#we've seen him sing Look My Way and his part of When I See Him

[mintaikk]

First time Blitzø hears Stolas sing and it's this-

[nervoussagittarius]

which triplet is most likely to ft. matts girlfriend y/n!

matt sturniolo x reader

summary: matt invites his girlfriend to a car video with nostalgic vibes

warnings: none :)

you were sitting in the passenger seat of the minivan, you're normal spot when you were driving with the triplets. this time though, a camera sat in front of you on the dash of their car.

being home with the boys in boston was still something you were getting used to. your boyfriend matt had spent a big part of the day taking you around all the iconic spots in the city. the boys had asked you earlier in the if you wanted to participate in a video. you, of course, said yes.

your relationship was no secret to the world. you guys have been together for a couple years, and you had been featured in many og videos.

"gotta turn the world into a dance floor" chris sang, as matt got into the car. he pointed at you to finish the lyric

with a roll of your eyes, "determinate d-determinate" you sang back.

matt and nick looked at the both of you. one in anticipation of you guys to keep singing, and the other in anticipation of starting the video.

nick cut all of you off quickly to intro the video. "hey guys! welcome back to the fridays video"

"today we have a very special guest, drumroll please, my girlfriend y/n" matt said as he looked at you with a stupid smile on his face.

"hi guys! im back" you replied looking at the camera.

chris started from the backseat, "if you're new here, y/n has been in a bunch of our old videos, and were bringing her back to see her take on 'who's most likely to'"

"we've done this before but we figured y/n could give you guys an outside perspective” matt said as he looked at the camera.

“i’m giving y’all the dirt. we’re getting deep… i- okay” the boys laughed at you while nick pulled up the first question.

“okay, which triplet is most likely to get mad at another for chewing to loud?” nick asked as you immediately looked between the camera and matt.

“we already know the answer because the viewers have seen this happen multiple times”

“yeah, i have to say it’s matt. i’m so sorry for coming at you first honey” you said in between giggles as matt rolled his eyes.

“i disagree. i don’t think i’m most likely to do that”

“matt! we’ve witnessed it bro. you can’t say it’s not you when it is. either way it’s a who’s most likely to question not who’s actually doing it! but you’re actually doing it. good god” nick exclaimed.

the car was packed with laughter as nick went in his tangent. you all calmed down as nick asked the next question.

“who’s most likely to not be able to sleep alone”

“all of you.”

“what!?” “no way!” “that’s not even true”

“no it’s so true” you responded to there complaints. “let me explain. nick is probably the least likely. he’s okay sleeping alone i just feel like people come to him the most to sleep with him so he’s used to sleeping with other people.”

“that’s very true. people are always in my bed” nick said giving the camera a little wink.

“matt and chris need to have someone with them at all times. chris can’t sleep in the same place for more then a night. he’s always sleeping everywhere but his own bed. and matt texts me at least once a week that i need to come over and sleep in his bed with him because he can’t fall asleep.”

“let me just clarify,” matt started, “i can sleep alone. i would rather have my girlfriend with me though. and that’s okay. that’s fine”

“yeah and i just don’t like being alone.” chris defended.

a few more questions were answered before you guys decided to call it quits for the night.

matt grabbed the camera off the dash pointing it at you. you smiled and put up a peace sign.

“look at how cute she is” matt said as he put his hand on your cheek.

“alright matt, end the video”

matt screamed in the camera quickly ending the video.

comments:

i can’t get over how beautiful matt and y/n are together

i need someone to look at me the way matt looks at y/n

i love nostalgic boston videos

petition to bring y/n back on the channel more.

an: this kinda sucks because half of it was deleted when i tried to save it to my drafts and i don’t really like it but y’all wanted a matt fic. first part of the matt series will hopefully be up soon🤍

[awriterinthenight]

"You'll have to play something for me sometime"-Jess Mariano

words: 1301

warnings: none, but sorry I haven't posted in awhile, I was sick for a couple of days, but I'll be posting more this week. Also I haven't seen any rockstar!reader x Jess Mariano fics, so I decided to write one, if you like it maybe send a request and I'll write more. Also I gave reader a certain hairstyle just so it fit the story better, but you can ignore it if you want to.

summary: Lane's band is looking for a new guitarist, so reader joins them. After practice they head to Luke's where Jess meets reader, and is entranced by her.

"Hi, I heard you guys were looking for a guitarist, is that right?"

The guy with the long blonde hair looked up first, taking in the girl in front of him, but it was the Asian girl with glasses who spoke first, "Yes, we are, do you play?" she asked, excited to maybe finally have a full band again.

"No, I just carry a guitar around for fun," she quipped at the girl's question, "I'm joking, I do. I can play something for you guys if you want." she said, moving her guitar to open the case.

The guy who first looked at me nodded, "That would be awesome."

She set up her guitar, borrowing an amp from one of them. She played one of her favorite songs for them "Highway to Hell'. It was basic, but very good, and she was phenomenal at playing it.

She'd barely just finished, when she looked up and saw the three people in awe, "So, can I be part of the band, or..." she asked, trailing off for someone to finish the answer.

"Play like that every time and you'll basically be running the band," the guy said, shocked by how good her performance was.

"We can't wait to practice with you, are you free now. If you are, can we start practicing, and you can learn some of our songs? I'm Lane by the way," the girl with glasses said, extending her hand.

The other girl shook her hand, "I'm Y/N, nice to meet you, and I don't really have anything to do, so sure."

Lane got even more excited, and started grabbing some of their songs to show me, "These are just some of the ones we've almost perfected, and these are our covers," she said, handing Y/N music sheets.

She just nodded listening to the other girl before the other guy started speaking, "Not to intrude, but I'm Zach, guitarist, and this is Brian, our bass," he introduced before asking, "Can you sing?"

The new guitarist nodded, "I've done theater for about 6 years, so yeah I think so."

"Great, we've been meaning for someone who can sing to do vocals, so will you?" Lane asked.

"Of course," Y/N said, happy to be part of a band.

Lane couldn't keep in her excitement, "We have to teach you some of our songs, here's my favorite," she said, handing her the song.

"Cool, let's get started then."

***

After practicing for over 4 hours, everyone was tired, and in desperate need of food. So, Lane suggested they all go to Luke's.

"Luke's?" Y/N questioned, since she wasn't from Stars Hollow.

"You're not from Stars Hollow, are you?" Lane asked, feeling a bit confused on how she found out about the band if she wasn't from around her.

She shook her head, "No, I'm from Hartford. I actually go to school with your friend Rory at Chilton. She was talking about her friend having a band, and they needed a guitarist, and I've been playing for years, and looking to join a band, so I thought why not. Now here I am," the girl explained, rambling a bit.

"Well then, looks like we have to get you acquainted with the area," Lane said, putting her stuff away, as the four of them left the garage, "Luke's is the best diner ever, and I mean that."

Y/N nodded, "I'll have to take your word for it, until I get some of this amazing food," she said, having a playful tone.

***

Walking into Luke's, people stared a bit at the girl, since they'd never seen her before. She looked like every rockstar girl ever, in her David Bowie shirt, black ripped jeans, leather jacket, and combat boots. Which was a rare sight to see someone unique like her in their small town.

One of the first people to take notice of her, was Jess Mariano. It wasn't hard for him to notice her. Especially since she stood out with her half hot pink dyed hair in the back of her head. To him there was something interesting about her. It was from the way she dressed, to the bitch face she seemed to be wearing, to the way she carried herself, walking into that small dinner.

"What can I get for you guys?" he asked, starting to take the band's order.

"I'll take a burger and fries, Zack wants a soda and club sandwich, and Brian wants his usual," Lane said, ordering for the boys who took a seat at a free table.

"Alright, and for Ziggy Stardust over here, what can I get you?" he asked, making a reference to her David Bowie shirt.

She couldn't help the small smirk that graced her lips, "I think I prefer Lady Stardust, but I'll just have a burger and fries," she said, making another reference to a David Bowie song, "And a coffee."

He looked at her, slightly impressed, "Alright then, your food will be ready soon," he said, putting the ticket in before turning back to the girl who started walking towards her table.

"You're not from around here, are you?" he asked, stopping her, making her turn around.

She smirked again, which made him feel entranced by her for some reason, "What would ever give you that notion?" she teased.

Jess shrugged, "I've just never seen you around, that's why," he said, now leaning against the counter.

"Well I'm not," she said, taking in a breath, "I'm from Hartford actually. I go to school with a girl from here, Rory Gilmore. She was talking about how her friend had a band, and they needed a guitarist, so I joined them, and now they're showing me around town," she explained.

Jess listened to her story, intrigued by the fact she played guitar, "You play guitar?" he questioned, placing down one of the band's plates of food.

"Been playing since I was ten. I always wanted to be in a band, so this was a perfect opportunity," she said, shrugging as she grabbed her food.

Jess smiled at her, a rare sight to see from the boy, "You'll have to play something for me sometime, do you know any Metallica?" he asked, placing down the last plate for her to grab for her table.

She smiled again, something Jess never wanted to stop seeing, "That's like asking if I play guitar," she joked, heading to her table with their food.

Jess smirked as the girl walked away. He kept looking at her throughout her time there. It was almost impossible for him to take his eyes off of her. Her laugh filled the diner and he wanted to listen to it for the rest of his days.

She was just about to leave when he stopped her by the door, "Hey, what's your name?" he asked, "Calling you Ziggy Stardust is fun, but I think it would get old quick."

"Y/N," she said, about to head out the door with the rest of the band.

He smiled at her again, "Y/N," he repeated, liking the way it sounded, "I'm Jess," he said, still thinking of how pretty her name sounded.

"I know," she said, making him look slightly confused, "The nametag gives it away," she told him, flicking the name tag as she walked out the door.

Jess scoffed at her action, but was rather intrigued by the girl, and amused by her actions even more. It wouldn't be long till the entire town knew about Jess and the mystery girl from Hartford. The next day the entire town would be asking who she was, and what spell she put on Jess to make him so smiley around her, and how he seemed to have a soft spot for her. 

[starringthesturniolos]

bite me(part 5) matt sturniolo

part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5

summary: matt hates your guts but all of that changes when he wakes up and finds out your his mate.

contains: vampire!matt x reader, highschool au! (18 years old), dark themes, death, smut (not in this part)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

matts pov.

"okay, you guys should feel different any minute now" Madi says before giving me a look. a look that says what I am doing is stupid. judging by the sadness that's roaming in my chest, I'm guessing y/n thinks its stupid too. why does she care, its not like she likes me, I think to myself. but even as I think it, I can't help but cringe at the loss of emotions I would have from getting rid of the bond. sure, it was annoying sometimes, but hell, Iife gets a little boring when you've been living for so long. its easy to go numb and become desensitized, and that's what made y/n an anomaly. even before the mating bond, she made me feel things. even things I didn't want to feel like annoyance and anger.

I look over at her and I can't help but stare. she's so pretty, I think even as the bond fades into a dull nothing.

"quite staring, your freaking me out" she says looking at me. I can see the tears in her eyes, and ,even though the bonds gone, I know she wishes there weren't any. I knew her and I knew that she didn't like to feel like others had power to make her sad or upset. she never wanted to lose control. I can't help but note how much I know about her. more than I thought I knew.

I look away and grab her arm and sigh at the fact that there are no tingles or heat that flash through me this time. "I'll take you home, it's been a long night." and so from there we head back to the car. shit, I almost forgot about chris. I open my phone to call him, but I see a text notification from him instead. "I'm going to stay, the spell could take all night for me" it says. I can't help but wonder how someone can take away the pain of losing a mate, but shrug it off. if I knew I'd be a magic user, not a vampire. and I wouldn't be standing here awkwardly with a girl I hated two days ago. a girl I wish I could comfort, but don't know how too. we climb in the van and I turn on the car. the hiss of the ac and the quiet hum of the radio are the only sounds in the car. she opens her mouth and closes it again. "what? what is it?" i sigh because the tension is killing me.

"if the bond is gone then why am I still sad?" she says quietly. I note the fact that this is the most vulnerable I've ever seen her. she's always had a strong front, and always had something smart to say. but now in the quiet that is my van, I feel like I see her, the real her.

"I don't know why." I say honestly, but cringe at the monotone way I say it. like I didn't care to know why she was upset, and right then I knew her walls were going to come back up before they even do. she shrugs and wipes her face once. "can I play music then, I don't like moping around." she sighs, grounding herself again. "I know you don't" I say softly "and yes you can, as long as you don't have shit music taste" I smirk at the end. teasing her is so much easier and more natural then whatever we've been doing the past 15 minutes. "Oh it's amazing, you're gonna wanna add my songs to your playlist when I'm done. " she takes the mood change and runs with it. she even laughs and I don't even try to stop myself from admiring her smile.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I pull into her house and all the lights are on and there are clanging noises coming from the inside of her home. its damn near 5 am and no one should be up that early on a Sunday morning. we were just having a good time, surprisingly, listening to music with each other. we both like the same kind of music and even though I acted like I hated her singing I didn't mind. but she wasn't singing now, she actually looked really scared.

"my dads home" she whispers and looks at me with wide glossy eyes. worry flutters in my chest at the sight of her being afraid. this guy must be bad news. "he rarely ever comes home" she says in the same quiet tone her eyes widening even further before she turns to me. "I thought Madi said she put a protection spell on me." she runs her hands through her hair and her breathing is picking up. if she keeps this up, she's going to have a panic attack.

" she did, okay, so you have nothing to worry about!" the words sound all wrong coming out of my mouth. I meant for them to come out comforting but instead they sound a bit like I just want her to shut up and get out of my car. why do I always have to sound so mean.

her breathing picks up more and she's crying now. "you don't know what he's like, matt! you've never met the guy. he doesn't want anything to do with me! and when he comes home, he's always drunk" she pauses and closes her eyes gasping for breath. "and he's mean!" she sobs. before I can stop myself I grab her face and guide her gaze away from the house to me. if she hadn't told me this, I would have never known she'd been hurt this way. I couldn't help but wonder how many times she came home to find a nightmare in her house.

"you don't have to be with that guy" I say slowly and nod my head before continuing

"just stay with me" I whisper.

@bbernard-03

@sturnthepot

@hoeformatt

@sturtriple16

@faygo-frog

@sturniol0s

@katie-tibo

@cindylcuwho

[greeneyed-thestral]

I MET MICHAEL SHEEN. 16/03/24, National Theatre

So, if you've read my post about booking tickets to see Michael, you know all about my what-ifs. But the day was finally here.

I arrived at the National Theatre, followed all the Nye signs and here's the Olivier Theatre. I made my sister buy me the show's programme, hoping I would be able to get it signed.

I find my seat, I'm not in the centre but the stage still feels very close and you can see everything (amphitheatres are always the best).

Lights out. The audience is in religious silence. Can't believe I'm actually here, this is happening.

[skip this part in smaller font, if you want to avoid spoilers] In the words of Staged, he really loses himself in his roles. First of all, it's great to hear him speak in a Welsh accent.

But then we also see him turning back into a child, and you can totally believe he's young and innocent again. His stutter feels so real, his struggle and sadness too. The entire ensamble is great during the classroom scene, where they all help Nye against their bullying teacher (using those big canes to make him look scary really works). Hearing young Nye confessing that at times he thinks he 'shouldn't exist' because of who he is was a gut punch; Michael's delivery of that whole part is incredible, in that moment he really becomes a little boy that allows himself to feel vulnerable and says something dark to a friend. The way he jumps while saying "I can visualise and enunciate!" made me wanna jump too, he was ready to give up and then he found the solution through books, it's the joy and relief you feel when you realise that there is another way and your life is not over.

Now, I've watched musicals all my life and let me tell you that man is meant to be in one. He opened his mouth and all I could see was someone that had been waiting a long time for the occasion to show his talent, truly showstopping. He was so free and happy and confident, singing and dancing spectacularly. I couldn't stop smiling and giggling, we all clapped.

It's clear he means every word he says, and when he points and shouts his political arguments at the audience, those who feel called out must be shaking; I thought 'This is how people in Ancient Greece must have felt everytime they went to the theatre'. His Nye is inspiring, passionate, someone you'd want to follow, he stands up for what he believes in and lets nothing get in his way.

We get to watch him flirt, on all fours, waggling his 'tail'; everytime we think we've seen all he's capable of, he does something like this and surprises us.

But most of all, we see him being scared, first of having to do something, and then of not being able to do enough for all of us. At one point everyone has requests for Nye and I was expecting him to shout "Heal yourselves!" like Jesus in JCS, it totally conveyed what it must have been like to be in his role at the time, overwhelmed with daunting responsibilities.

In general, I appreciated the fact that it wasn't a linear biography, they chose life moments that have universal situations everyone can relate too, like they do in bio-musicals. I loved the staging. The colour palette is so recognisable; the curtains and the beds are used in many different ways so everything is explored at its full potential.

He is on stage basically all the time for more than two hours (sometimes twice a day, can you imagine?). Also barefoot and in his pajamas from start to finish, he looks like a teddy bear you just want to hug and protect.

He bows, looks at Nye's achievements, then leaves the stage.

Standing ovation, applause. I go back to the theatre lobby, I was supposed to wait for my sister, but she's late. Meanwhile, a fan asks me how to get to the Stage Door. I start too fear that I'm going to miss my chance if I keep waiting inside, so I decide to go on my own. After no more than 5 minutes, he's outside with us. Forget Nye, I am living my fever dream. He has just finished his second show of the day and yet he's smiling and listening to each and every one, signing and taking pictures. I know many have said this, but he really is an angel.

My sister arrives, and as soon as I'm sure she has the camera ready, I make my way to him. The two girls next to me who were speaking to him needed a pen and I lent them my sharpie, so I got my chance to look generous in front of him.

And suddently it was my turn. This is as much as my scrambled mind allows me to remember: I tell him I'm Francesca and I'm from Italy, he asks me how long I am going to stay, I confess that I had arrived that morning and just to see him, that I would be leaving already the following morning. I can't even focus while he's signing my programme, I just want to find the right words. I manage to say how I enjoyed seeing his passion, all these different sides of him and how watching him sing and dance has been the highlight of my evening. We take a picture together, I feel his hand on my shoulder and I realise my arm is around the waist of this person I love. I had to thank him again, telling him that he only deserves good things and that we are so lucky to have him. He wishes me a safe trip home, and I melt. I leave and I can't stop trembling. On my way back to the hotel I hold on tight to my signed programme and the sharpie that was in his hands just moments earlier. Only later I will realise that he's also written 'Ciao!', 'love' and 'X', without me asking for it or anything! Seeing him act live was a big gift already, but what followed outside was beyond my dreams. I can't look at the photos without blushing, the way he looks at me in the video and then also strokes my arm for a moment, I mean pinch me now.

The more I think about it, the more I can't believe it happened.

I want to thank everyone that under my first post pushed me and encouraged me to see the pros of doing this, I share this beautiful moment of my life with all of you. <3

[napstawantstosleep]

My take on the round 6 (I will kill myself)

Someone pointed out that when Till was a baby he was looking intently at Ivan who had the operation in his eye making it have a red pupil

Then we go back to Black Sorrow's video and you see that Till ran by Ivan because he was going after a crown of RED flowers, which are THE EXACT SAME as the ones Ivan walked on before they started fighting :

The flower could be seen as Ivan, mostly because the red is similar to his pupil

Ivan tends to mock it/destroy it to get Till's attention while Till is seemingly careful around it and running after it (which could represent Ivan's self destructive personality and Till's previous focus on him)

I think the true reason Till looks away from Ivan all this time is because he found comfort by looking at him when he was at a low point in his life (he was being sold, experimented on, beat up, etc....) and yet, the person with such singular eyes was the one who ended up seeking his attention to the point of resorting to violence to get Till staring at him while fighting

Till wanted someone who would see him as an equal and respect him as a human being rather than some sort of animal

That's why he fell for Mizi, because of her gentle nature and bright personality who cares for others and acts delicately with everyone else

He was afraid to fall for someone who wouldn't bring the best out of himself

On the other side we've got Ivan, who clearly can't express his emotions correctly whether it be with his words or with his actions so he decided to either be affectionate with Till in front of everyone bc they would take his actions as jokes or use unconventional ways to be on Till's mind when they were together

Ivan is a character who was favored by monsters, he had a lot of expectations to meet and was treated as a prodigy, he was dehumanized because of his talent, and that's why he took a liking to Till : Till looked at him with admiration and interest but not for his talent, it was for him as a person

It was a sincere look of adoration

Now talking about looks, they say that when people look at something or someone they love their pupils dilate and guess what

Notice how the second he started to look at Ivan his eyes started to shine for the first time in the whole round

Despite everything, he was still that little boy looking at the thing he considered most beautiful in the whole world

Another interesting thing is the way Ivan went from kissing Till, to choke him

The kiss can be two things : him stepping up to kiss him before one of them dies and a way to stop the round by preventing the two of them from singing, making the result stop early and making sure Till would win

However the last kiss wasnt part of the plan

Ivan looked at the score to make sure everything went according to the plan and AFTER he got confirmation that Till was winning, he allowed himself an oh so small peck on Till's lips

So light that their lips barely touched at all, and yet after the long kissing scene this was the kiss with the bigbest impact : he allowed himself to love him a little more than supposed

The choking was to make SURE he would be targeted and killed instead of Till so that he could win, but it was possibly also a way for him to make sure Till wouldn't feel culpability after he dies since Ivan "attacked" him in the first place

But even then if you look at Till's neck afterwards there are no handprints around it, which means that he made sure not to press too hard, just enough to be targeted by the security

Ivan loves Till. There's no denying it. He cares for him when no one can witness his affection not even the one he loves. He never expected to have his feelings requited, he just wanted to be acknowledged and looked at, because whenever Till looks at Ivan, this is when Ivan feels the most elated

Till loves Ivan. And while he repressed his feelings by ignoring him, ONE look at him was enough to prove his infatuation

They mean a lot to each other but they both sucked at saying things

This is not just doomed yaoi, this is miscommunication doomed yaoi 💔💔💔

[junedenim]

2003

beneath the boardwalk, part 1 (series masterlist)

bigger boys & stolen sweethearts

warnings: long-haul series, drug usage, fluff, angst, etc.

word count: 13k

As a favour to my friend, Joanie, I went to Barnsley College. She was my best friend and it was between that or going to Wakefield College. I didn't want to go to Wakefield. Everyone from Wakefield went to Wakefield College. Albie, my recently ex-boyfriend was going to Wakefield. So, I went to Barnsley.

I decided to study English Literature solely because I had no idea what else to do. I hated reading at that age and I don't know why I fathomed in my mind that it would be a proper fit for me other than the fact I liked to write. Still like to write.

Barnsley was more about my "friends" than education. Joanie and I got drunk most weekends and my whole friend group seemed to indulge in some version of friend-cest with one another. By the end of that first year, it seemed like everyone had seen a peek of someone else. I'm sure I got around more than most. I don't think I even enjoyed it half the time. I don't think most people enjoy sex at that age other than the rush of doing it and the inevitable quick release.

Matt seemed to be the only guy I wouldn't touch. I had met Matt in a photography class we both took and he became a good drinking buddy. At those booze-filled parties where people's noise would practically shake the building, Matt and I would sneak out and share a smoke with one another.

One night, as we were sitting on the curb next to each other, he asked me, "How come out of everyone at this school we've never hooked up?"

He passed me the cigarette. "I don't know," I told him. "I just don't see you that way, Matt."

"Yeah," he agreed. "Think it would be too weird."

Right before our first year was finished, Matt told me his band had their first gig in a couple of weeks. He didn't say it like an invitation. It was all casual, like, "There's this place called The Grapes. The band's got a gig there."

"Oh, cool," I told him. I'm not sure if he was expecting me to show up or just inform me. "Do you want me to come?"

He shrugged and took a bite out of the sandwich he was eating. It was silent for a moment and I thought that was it until he said, "You could bring a couple of your friends. Joanie or something. Make a night out of it."

I had already been informed by both parties that Joanie and Matt had hooked up last week but neither knew that the other had told me. I knew I wouldn't be seeing most of my friends over the summer and it felt like a rather nice bon voyage event.

So, I invited a group of friends like Matt requested. Rosie, Will, Claire, AB, and, of course, Joanie. Will and I had a complicated relationship, to say the least. We'd go back and forth from having sex like rabid bunnies and hating each other. When I invited him that night I had expected that I would end the night in bed with him. I'm sure he had the same impression.

AB was the gentleman of the group and in typical fashion resigned to being the designated driver. The rest of us were planning to get completely hammered.

The Grapes was bigger than I had expected. When I pictured a band performing their first gig, I suppose I imagined a garage somewhere. It wasn't giant by any means but there was a little stage that they all would squeeze on together.

I had met Alex before—in passing at any number of parties. I can't remember if I had been introduced to him before I knew Matt but I recognized his face somewhere. Like I had seen it before in some picture. I was likely too intoxicated at our first meeting to make much sense of what I said or what he said but the next time I was introduced to him, at this Grapes's show, he looked nervously fidgeting like he was desperate for a cigarette or something to choke back on.

"Jeanie, right?" He pointed his finger at me and smiled uncomfortably.

"Jane." I corrected him. To be honest, I think I only remembered his name because Matt told me he was the lead singer. I couldn't picture Alex as a lead singer.

He was endearingly embarrassed by his mistake and repeatedly went, "Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry." Like he had just rear-ended me or something. "Jane. Jane. Jane. Jane." Like it was his mantra helping him calm himself.

"It's fine," I told him. I was itching for a cigarette now too. It was awkward and the air at The Grapes felt too hot and sticky for North England.

"I'm Alex." He stuck his hand out like he was being interviewed for a job.

I shook his hand and said, "Good luck with your show." I smiled and passed by him walking over to where Claire had grabbed our seats. Something tells me his eyes were following me as I left.

I don't think of myself as some style icon. Others have placed that upon me, which is quite the honor, but at 17 I didn't feel that so much. However, that night I felt comfortable. It was a feeling I hadn't felt in my skin since maybe nursery. In my opinion, I hadn't worn anything marvelous. It was this orange and red plaid mini skirt with a red tank top I had tucked into it. I had brought a red cardigan with me if it got cold. I didn't often coordinate my outfits but I suppose it felt like a special occasion to me. I didn't think there was any need to impress anyone. So, on a rare instance, I was dressing for myself.

I think Will must have been grabbing my ass for half the show. I didn't tell him otherwise but I think if I was older I would have rejected it. Back then I didn't think I had the option. I regretted wearing that skirt.

They didn't blow me away but they were better than I expected. Matt was cocky when talking about them but Matt is still cocky talking about anything. But most times, he's being honest. I suppose I have to agree with his comment: "We're fucking brilliant. You'll see one day, J."

I didn't think I would ever talk to Alex again. I've been trained to avoid those awkward conversations and Alex was often the type to stay huddled in a corner, sometimes with a drink, sometimes with a lass. I hang around my own bunch. My arm rarely strayed from wrapped around Claire's side and we affectionately called each other "babe" just to have someone call us "babe."

Later that night, I accepted my fate of having to go out for a solo smoke. Matt was practically grinding up against Joanie at this point of the night. I went out and there Alex was, leaning up against the wall, having a smoke.

I decided to act like I didn't see him, which was probably rude but I didn't think he'd want to talk to me either. He was against the left side of the wall so I went to the right.

"'Ey, Jane." He called out to me.

It took me a second to get my feet to move and it took me too long to realize it was him calling me. I turned and he stood straight, staring at me. I felt myself get warmed in the cheeks with a mix of shame and flattery. I couldn't tell where he was heading with this and Will's hand had been on my ass for the past hour.

"Did we do alright?" He seemed to genuinely care. Now, I can tell you that this was a special thing. Then, I thought he did this with everyone.

"I thought so but I'm no critic."

He quickly shook his head refuting my comment. "Nah, nah. Matt's told me otherwise."

I snorted. An ugly snort. "Really?" I don't have the belief others talk about me when I'm not there. I'm some ghost in their mind.

"Yeah, yeah," he sounded like he was pacifying me. "He says you're a writer."

I shrugged. I didn't consider myself to be much of anything. "Just studying it. It's not like I've got anything published."

"Nah, nah." That was his most popular word. Some double-jointed phrase he said so much but had no clue that he did. "I don't believe all that. If you write then you're a writer."

"Everyone writes." I reasoned.

He didn't verbalize it this time. Just shook his head. "Not everyone."

"Are you a writer?" I was distancing myself without moving an inch. I looked away from him and went down to my cigarette. It seemed Alex had gotten a hold of me without ever holding a conversation with me before. I felt as though he must know all my deepest fears and insecurities like he was a psychic or something. That scared me more than anything. At the time, it was more violating to me than an unwanted grab on the ass.

He shrugged to answer me and returned to his smoke. I didn't let him off easily, I thought I had control now. "Would you say you're a musician just because you play music? Plenty of people do that."

I thought I would sway him off. Alex was a little lamb and I was about to bite his head off. Until, as always, he saw right through it. "You're trying to tease me, Jane, I can tell."

I scuffed and rolled my eyes. I stared at my shoes and in a nervous fit swung my left leg back and forth. "Deflecting."

"I suppose so," he conceded, "but so are you."

At that time I was a debater in all aspects of life. I liked the thrill of arguing. I suppose that's why I went back and forth between fucking and hating Will so much. Or I was just 17. They are much of the same.

"So," he interrupted the silence we were enduring together, "how was the show?"

I smiled softly. I wanted to be endearing to him. Fool him into thinking I was this sweet little girl and then trample him. "I'm very opinionated. You wouldn't want to know."

He chuckled and leaned away from me, up against the brick wall. Most guys I had known before—most 17-year-old guys I had known before—took my girlish smile and batting of my eyelashes as an invitation to try and mess about with me. Alex took it for what it was. A facade.

"I like the opinionated girls," Alex told me, "Means they have something going about in their head."

I gasped. "Most girls have a bunch more going about in their heads than boys."

He nodded. "I'm sure that's true." He took a puff and said, "Most people I can't see playing pinball with their own mind."

I crossed my arms and thought I was one-upping him when I said, "I'm more a solitaire kind of girl."

Alex chuckled, threw down his cigarette, and scuffed it out. "How lonely."

I was utterly exposed. In shock, I said, "What?" He shrugged, unsure of what to say. "I'm not lonely."

He shook his head. "I never said you were."

I rapidly nodded mine and needed to throw off any sign that he was right. That in some 5-minute chat outside a pub, he somehow knew everything about me. "Yes, you did."

"I just meant..." he trails, tossing around what to say in his own head. (Now I could realize he knew me so well because he knew his own mind so well.) "The mind is a lonely place to be."

I shook my head. I was sure of this. "You're just not being imaginative enough."

"I suppose not." He agreed. He stood up straight from the wall. Put one hand in his jeans pocket. Then, the other. "But I'm not a writer."

He headed off back into the pub and I stood outside thinking more than smoking my cigarette. I decided to myself I could think about what he said there in those minutes I had only outside and then I would never think about it again. I wouldn't lie awake that night and give thoughts to a boy who once vomited in the middle of a game of Spin the Bottle. One who spent most of our drunk nights, chatting about with one girl, and then not even going home with her. Then, I thought I must have been the girl tonight. I felt sorry for all the girls before that had to deal with him. I thought about yelling at him. Then, I thought about fucking him. Then, I just felt sorry for myself.

I didn't finish my cigarette and went back inside. I'm not sure what point I was trying to prove to Alex. I guess that I wasn't lonely, but, like everything, he was right about that too. Will grabbing my ass didn't disprove that.

I made eyes at him for most of the night. Challenging him. He was too busy talking to someone else. There always seemed to be someone else. Will was grabbing my ass and chatting a girl up at the same time. I began to question why I endured all this.

I excused myself to the bathroom but went to the bar where Alex was trying and failing to order a drink. "You have to be more assertive."

He smiled cheekily at me. I placed my back up against the bar and leaned my elbows on the edge. I was a character in a movie. A femme fatale. "I'm too quiet for that," Alex says.

I nodded. "You seem it."

"I guess I have that reputation." He acknowledged.

"Among other things." I was flirting but I couldn't tell if he was falling for it. He intrigued every corner of me. I couldn't tell if he was shy, not interested, or just oblivious.

He tried to flag down the bartender again. Failure. I faced the bar, lifted my hand, and received attention immediately. I experienced some perks as a woman. "What do you want?"

Alex didn't say anything for a moment. He laughed. He shook his head. "Whatever you've been having."

He made me laugh. "Two lime margaritas." I ordered and the bartender got to work.

"Is that a skill?" He asked me. "Like hailing a cab."

I shrugged. "I've never had to work at it. Some of us are naturally gifted, Turner."

He raised his eyebrows. "How'd you learn my last name?"

I smirked at him. "I don't have some glamorous spy story. Matt talks about you guys all the time. You've known each other for a long time."

"Yeah," he nods, "over a decade now."

"We're getting old now," I told him.

"I think you have some time until you have to worry about that, Jane." He said to me.

I disagreed. "You're old when you realize you're actually living a life."

"So, when you're 6?" He joked.

We both received our margaritas. I ran my fingertips around the rim of the glass. "Percisely, Turner."

"You're an awful cynic." He told me.

I returned to my old position of leaning on my elbows against the bar. Margarita in my left hand this time. I ignored his comment and said, "You fascinate me, Alexander."

He exhaled loudly. "I'm not very interesting."

I bite down on the lime I had been given. "That's exactly why."

Alex laughed. "You're not being very nice to me, Jane."

I giggled. "That's not what I meant. I like people who aren't full of themselves."

"Then, why do you hang out with Will so much?" He questioned.

I sighed, leaned my head back, and placed the back of my hand on my head in a form of dramatics. "I have no clue." It made him laugh and that made me laugh. When we both quieted down, I leaned closer to Alex. "But I'm here with you and Will is over there. You're very interesting, you just don't know it. I can't wait to see when you realize that."

"You sound like a psychic, Jane." He looked so dreamy there and for a moment I think I was looking into a crystal ball. Futures where we were side-by-side like this, smiling at one another, making eyes at one another, saying unwritten truths to each other in whispers. I felt he already knew all my secrets, he was letting me in on them and was interested in looking into my eyes with those chocolate pools of his. It was probably then that I knew I wanted to love him.

"I hope so." I smiled at him and he smiled at me and that was that. "You're very pretty, Turner. Has anyone ever told you that?"

He chuckled softly and boyishly. "My mum maybe."

I laughed too, soft, and boy, I could get used to this. I traced my own nose as I said, "You have this angle to your nose." I grinned wide and pearly, just admiring him. I pointed left and right to my eyes as I said, "Puppy dog eyes." He was a fan of that one, he smiled but tried to hide it. I pointed to the middle of my forehead as I said, "Strong widow's peak. Those are genetic, you know?"

"Yeah, we've got a couple of widow's peaks in my family." He told me.

"See." I kept my smile on. I pointed to my lips. "You always look like you're trying to find something to say. Rolling it back and forth and tasting it before you spit it out."

He smiled at me all lovely. "You've got a way with words, Jane. You should write that somewhere."

"Write about you?" I fanned disgusted. "Never."

I wrote about him in my diary that night. He became a main character in every story I told. He wormed his way like a true bookworm. He poked holes in all my stories and forced himself into them. I'm writing about him here.

Maybe he was the psychic.

*

In the nook of summer, I spent a month in the Bahamas with my family where the main food source was drinks and my father let me sit in on his poker games for the first time. When I returned, tanned and lush, in July, Joanie turned 18, the first of our group of friends. To my surprise, Joanie and Matt were still together. I never doubted the affection they had for each other but our group of friends went through relationships like my mother did with her liquor.

Two days after I'd returned to Wakefield, she threw a birthday party at Will's house because Will had the luxury of being an only child with parents who were always going on these couple retreats that we all thought were code for sex trips to Vietnam. 

In my typical fashion, I arrived an hour late with a dumb present and a dress that was too short. Mini-dresses were my religion at that age (maybe still are). I felt cute and exotic with a glowing complexion compared to the pale Brits. I had my hair in loose braids with bows tied to their ends and had stolen my mother's diamond earrings. I suffered from a deep superiority complexion and didn't care much that it was Joanie's birthday. I had turned it into my homecoming party.

"Janie Cavendish! Is that you?" Joanie exclaims too perky for my liking. Being called Janie made me want to barf. "We all thought your plane went down in the Pacific!"

"Atlantic," I corrected. Joanie likely eliminated some brain cells with the amount she had drunk before I'd arrived.

"Oh, oops! Come, come, sit!" She grabbed my hand and dragged me over to Will's mother's ugly Boca Do Lobo wrap-around couch likely already ruined by drink spills. I had noted the flimsiness Will cared for expensive things. For the first time, it revolted me.

The room was on fire with excitement, alcohol, drugs, and sex, but over on the filthy couch was just Rosie, who was nestled into Will, a development I wasn't aware of and hurt my heart more than I wanted to ever admit. AB appeared from out of thin air and yelled, "JC's here!" He then crashed into me with a hug and I never understood how he survived these parties sober but he refused a drink and offered you a ride home. He probably saved all of our lives.

On the other end of the couch's prongs was Paul, who I had definitely slept with and not remembered, and his girlfriend, Cecilia, who he had definitely been with when I had slept with. Not that I felt any guilty over it back then. My parents did it, why should it matter if I did it? It was Paul's problem, not mine.

Next to Cecilia was Jamie Cook doing something weird with his tongue, stretching his mouth with his dirty fingers, sticking his tongue out, and trying to touch his tongue to his nose. It both impressed me and disgusted me and if I had a drink I'd probably spit it out in laughter at the sight of it.

Matt was egging him on saying he was so close when his tongue was a mile away from his nose. Joanie left her place beside me and dove into Matt's arms, all drunk, flirty, and cutesy. She tapped his nose like he was her prized poodle.

Right at the end was Alex. Roughed up in some scruffy red tee and jeans that had a hole in it that his mum patched up and there was writing down the sides of them. He was talking to some girl and something bubbled in me that I couldn't explain away. I was offended his eyes didn't stare at me from the moment I walked in. To me, he was some lost pup who would follow me wherever I went. It wasn't true, I was the pup begging for attention. I found it ridiculous he wouldn't be all over me. I needed that to feel I had accomplished something. 

When AB left, I was on the other section of the couch, facing him, staring at him to convey some spell: look, look here, notice me, notice me! Alex only grew closer to the other girl and I must have missed something in the month I was gone. It felt like an atmosphere shift had occurred and I didn't feel pretty because Alex wasn't staring at me and Will was feeling up some other girl.

Drink.

It was the clearest solution for occupation purposes but Joanie's high-pitched voice irritated me and Rosie's tits nearly spilling out over Will made me feel the need to vomit. I ran into Claire, who hugged me, gave me her drink, and made me take Molly with her before leaving with her now-on-again boyfriend, Ollie. 

Claire's drink tasted like cherries and she could work as a bartender if I wasn't convinced she'd drink all the liquor at the bar. I poured vodka into the drink and returned to the couch where not much had changed except that someone else was sitting in my seat now.

"You're in my seat," I told the man. He was older, a few pounds overweight, and suffering from a massive neckbeard.

He scoffed, "It were empty when I got here."

I smiled and bowed my head, "Yeah, I went to get a drink but now I'm back."

He waved me off. "Ya got up."

"Yeah, I know, but I'm back now. Joanie's one of my best friends and it's her birthday party."

He laughed. "What are we at a 5-year-old's birthday party?"

I furrowed my brows. "What are you 40 hanging with teenagers?"

Rage covered his face and I'm certain his neckbeard moved like it itself was going to attack me. "Fuck off."

I grew pleasure inside me for the first time that night. If I couldn't make someone fall at my feet, at least I could knock someone down. "Give me my seat back. You could probably use the movement."

"Fuck. Off." He enunciated. 

"Give me my seat back."

"Fuck off!"

"Give me my seat back!"

"Fuck off!"

"Just give me the fucking seat back!"

"Fuck off!"

"Give me the fucking seat!"

"No, now fuck off!"

"No, give me the fucking seat!"

I didn't really even want the seat. I just got a kick out of the vein popping out of his forehead and the way a girl could make him sweat bullets of rage over the end piece of an offensive-looking couch.

But then he stood up, 6 feet 6 inches, and 15 stones of him towered over me. I felt small again like he was going to snap me in two. But my seat was empty! I twisted around him and sat down in my seat.

"Get up!" He yelled.

"No, fuck off!" I yelled back.

"Get the fuck up, bitch!"

I supposed we were both too focused on the other to notice that the party's population had turned toward our display. Everyone was either engaged or snickering at the display.

"It's my seat," I said calmly.

He didn't respond verbally, instead, he picked me up. I heard Joanie scream, "Matty, help her!"

I laughed. I didn't find the whole ordeal funny, I just wanted everyone else to feel I found it funny. My bones hurt, I was riddled with goosebumps and had my underwear exposed for everyone to see.

Joanie would later comfort me and tell me it wasn't a big deal because "everyone has seen you in your underwear already pretty much, I mean, you know, cuz you've slept with everyone." It didn't comfort me much to be called a slut in Joanie language.

Matt tried his best to rescue me but he was scrawny and this guy looked like Andre the Giant. Eventually, the commotion of the party and the embarrassment got to the guy and he dropped me to the floor where I fell onto my ass. My hair was falling out of my braids and my dress was twisted up. 

Matt helped me to my feet and to distract myself from the pain of falling straight onto my ass, I laughed into his shoulder. The ecstasy helped too.

"Are you okay?" He asked me.

Before I got an answer out Joanie rushed over and hugged me tight, highly increasing the already likely chance I'd be bruised tomorrow. "Oh, my god, Janie!" A shiver went down my spine at the word. "You're going to be okay. Get that guy out of my party!" She acted like she was the Queen of Hearts ordering for him to be executed. Andre the Giant had already left. I think she just wanted to feel like she helped in some way.

"Yeah." I felt like crying but I turned to where the crowd had gathered and curtsied to them. "That's all folks!"

Once people got the okay, they were quick to go back to their conversations, now discussing what had unfolded. Music played up again and the world kept spinning.

Alex sat alone in his place on the couch. No girl, no chatting, no smile. When I looked at him, he looked at me. It didn't make me feel any better. I had wished for it the whole night and I finally got it and it was a look of pity.

"Do you need anything?" Matt asked me.

I looked at him and shook my head. Joanie pulled him back to their reserved seat.

Alex stood up and walked to me and I felt nervous. If some psychoanalyzing was to begin, I think I'd cry in front of the whole party. He lightly grabbed my elbow. I looked into his eyes, deciphering slowly what he must think of me. I was scared of every move he'd make. I wanted him to like me. I wanted to be the cool girl. I didn't want to cry. I didn't want to cry. "Do you want to go for a smoke with me?"

One of his hands tugged on my heartstrings, the other pushed me through the crowd by the small of my back. It was the most forward he had ever been but any intentions he had were unknown to me. 

Outside, he placed distance between us. Away from the large portion of the masses, we walked side-by-side. I followed him. He led the way. The stragglers that messed about the lawn must have annoyed him as he walked until he was away from the whole scene. In other instances of my life, I'd think the guy wanted a moment alone with me for a snog or shag. I thought Alex didn't want to be seen with me.

"We can sit if you want." He was polite in his voice and he gestured slowly to the bench in the house's decadent garden.

I sat first on one side and he sat on the other. He pulled his pack out and tossed me the lighter. He stuck one in his mouth, then handed me the pack. I felt like one of the boys and it made me laugh for some reason. I plucked one out like a lady, like my mother would. I lit my cigarette and when I went to light his, he took it out of my hand and did it himself. I felt stiff and awkward and that I must have grown a seventh head when I was in The Bahamas.

"You went to The Bahamas. Joanie said." He was taking slow drags of his cigarette and I was taking slow drags of him.

"Yeah." Maybe I was being evasive for enigmatic purposes. Maybe I was uncomfortable. I can't quite remember.

"How was it?"

I thought about lying. But I didn't see the purpose anymore. "Boring."

He chuckled light-heartedly. Everything is light-hearted. "Why?"

"I just sat on the beach all day. Maybe if I went with friends." I shrugged and pulled my legs up behind me on the bench.

"I'd like to travel," Alex told me.

"Where?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. I'd like to do it more though. Like when I'm older, you know, that kind of thing."

I laid my head on my arms on the bench's backing. Ash collected on the end of my cigarette but I ignored it and looked at Alex. "We could go somewhere together."

"Really? Where do you wanna go?" His head was leaning against his hand. I felt we mirrored each other in some way that if I dug deeper then I would've known why.

"Away. Doesn't have to be far but I don't feel like myself here." I slipped. All those things I spent days pushing down, fell out mid-conversation with no remorse. I didn't care because I knew Alex wouldn't blab. He already knew everything about me. I wasn't revealing anything by saying this.

He didn't talk for a while. He sat with what I had said. Then he told me, "I don't think anyone feels like themselves at this age."

"Do you?"

He sat with that too. Then said, "I'm trying to."

I sat up straight. "I have an idea." Alex smiled at me and I felt wind sweep through me. "Why don't you act like your true self and I'll act like mine."

"I don't think I can do that."

He knocked something in me. "Why?"

He hid himself. He looked down at the slits in the bench. He bounced his foot. He tossed some idea in his head. Then, it spilled. "You make me nervous."

I was shocked by this. I found him intimidating. I got a boost in myself knowing he found me an equal representation. "Why's that?"

"I'm not good at telling people to fuck off."

I vowed, "I'll do it for you."

It wasn't a hit to him; a woman defending him. In fact, I think he got a kick out of it.

"Did you get into fights in The Bahamas?"

"Only with my family." 

"Do you get along?" He shifted forward like he had some actual interest in me. It was conflicting with every other interest I'd attracted from a man. It was a perked-up ear instead of a perked-up dick.

I shook my head. "No, not really. We kind of...I don't know. Things have never been great with my parents but getting older I've drifted more away. My siblings are a wild card."

"How many you have?"

"2 sisters, one older, one younger, and an older brother. I've never been close to the two older ones but Stacey, my younger sister's 11 so other than being annoying we get on well. You're an only child?"

His eyebrows raised, his eyes widened, and he looked as if I was some private detective. "You snoop me out, Jane?"

I took a drag of my cigarette and tried my best to look abject. "You act like an only child."

He looked affronted and on guard but had a toothy smile. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"All I'm saying is you never act like you had someone yelling over you at the dinner table. Only children fall into two categories: selfish or selfless. I'm assuming by your interest in me you must be pretty selfless."

Alex tilted his head from side to side. "I don't think so." 

I shook my head. 

"Eh! Why you doing that?" He chuckled.

I laughed at him. We were laughing together. "Take the compliment. My mother always says to say thank you for a compliment even if it's not true."

"Well, thank you and it's not true." 

Alex puffed away as I looked out into the garden. The gardener cut the bushes this morning and the flowers had reached their full bloom. I didn't move a muscle but I moved my eyes to look at him. He was small in both figure and persona. He didn't burst away. He sat quietly on the bench, smoked his cigarette, and looked at me. I was looking at flowers and he was looking at me. 

"I think it's true."

When our cigarettes had finished, we didn't go inside. Neither of us made a move and I decided that he must either like spending time with me or hate the party. We didn't talk after my comment and I didn't know what to say. I thought about teasing him. I thought about flirting with him. I thought about kissing him. 

Then, I decided to walk around the garden. He didn't move, he stayed nestled on the bench and watched me skim my hands along each petal. 

"They have tomatoes here!" I gasped.

Red, plump, and hanging heavily off the vine begging for plucking. Alex came up behind me looking at the lush beings. "I don't like tomatoes very much." He told me like it was some hushed secret, pinky promising not to tell a soul.

I gasped again. "How can you not love tomatoes?" I pulled one off the vine and took a bite of it. Nobody else seemed to be enjoying them due to the unruly way they grew and the surplus of numbers.

Alex, however, seemed to think I stole from a poor family living off the street, ignoring the mansion in the backdrop. "You eat it like an apple?"

I had tomato juice running down my cheeks and while I looked particularly gross, he didn't say anything. "I like them."

"You do indeed."

We walked around the garden, cluttered and looking like no one partook in its pleasures other than the man being paid to tidy it. The stone path led out of the garden into the large backyard, fit with trees and a birdbath. 

Alex walked with his hands in his pockets and I walked with mine holding each other behind my back, tomato in my left hand. "What have you done this summer?"

"Oh." He was shocked the conversation had turned to him. Do I really talk about myself that much? "Me and the band played around a little. Went to a few shows 'round here. Wasn't too big."

I almost didn't ask him but an unknown being tugged at me to ask, "Who was the girl you were talking to before? I recognized her." I had never seen that girl before in my life.

"Uh, Lauren? I went to Stocksbridge with her," Alex told me. "Joanie knew her somehow."

"Joanie knows everyone."

We were walking in circles now, rounding the house, but I didn't want to go back inside. I wanted our secret garden. "What'd you take from Claire?" He was watching me. He was watching me. He was watching me!

I giggled. "The Molly?" 

"You do that?"

I nodded.

"I've never done anything like that. You know, other than drinking."

We took a few more paces, rounding ourselves to the front of the house. "Do you want to?"

He shook his head. I felt embarrassed and ashamed like a mother had caught my nefarious habits. "You go clubbing a lot, right?"

I shrugged. I usually boasted about my nights out like it was a badge of honor for me. I felt he ripped the badge off. 

"Live music at those things?" Alex asked.

"Some," I answered.

"You think you'd be able to—I don't suppose you could. Maybe." He stuttered.

I giggled feeling at ease again. "Spit it out. I won't judge you. Well, unless you're about to bring up something gross."

Alex looked me in the eye as we stopped on the front lawn. He tapped his foot and dug his hands deeper into his pockets. "I thought maybe you'd be able to get us some gigs."

My lips slowly upturned. "I'd love that. I'll be your bookie."

He laughed. "Don't let power get to your head."

I tossed the tomato to the ground, citing that it was a gift to the rats that lived here and it would decompose just fine. I eyed the door but held no desire to reenter that world. I looked back at Alex, scuffing his trainer into the ground and swallowing whatever idea he wanted to say to me but didn't. I thought to ask but didn't.

"I think I'm gonna go home," I told him.

I got a borderline pathological level of joy when his face showed minor disappointment. He nodded and said, "Okay."

I wanted to prove him wrong. I didn't want to be the girl he talked to all night, and didn't take home, before chatting up some other girl. That's what I told myself but it probably wasn't the whole truth. Then, I realized, he was too nervous to ask me home with him. He was more occupied with his shoes and knew he'd have better luck dissecting my being than attempting to kiss me.  

So, I asked, "Do you want to come with me?" I didn't want to sleep with him, at least not explicitly. My intention was to, in some way, prove him wrong. In another way, the bigger consuming way, I wanted to talk to him more. "I don't live too far from here. We can walk. A girl really shouldn't walk alone at night."

Alex smiled suspiciously but nodded. "Shouldn't we say goodbye first?"

I furrowed my brows. "To a drunk Joanie who is probably too busy making out with Matt to care about either of us?"

He tilted his head. "Fair enough." He was a gentleman first and a teenage boy second.

"I got Joanie a shitty present anyway," I said as we began to walk away from the scene.

"I didn't even get her anything," Alex told me. "What you get her?"

"A snow globe from The Bahamas."

He burst out laughing, throwing his head back in express joy. He was contagious and I fell ill. "Does it even snow in The Bahamas?"

I shook my head through laughter. "I don't think so."

I don't know why he found it so funny that we had to stop walking. He was bent over laughing, holding his knees, and trying to catch his breath. I was laughing, more at him than the dumb snowglobe. I was infatuated. He was entrancing and I suffered from whatever his spell was. He stuffed himself into this laid-back body and busted through it with spoils of laughter. I thought about every joke I could make. I wanted to incite it more, force it out of him, have him tell me how funny I was. How I was the funniest girl he had ever met and he would like to stand by my side until my next joke. If that joke never came, he'd stay standing with me just in case it came.

Alex stood up slowly, exhaling loudly, collecting himself before we began our steps again. His face was red like I felt. On fire of sorts, lit ablaze by some force he beheld in no need of extinguishing. It was sudden and all at once, no stopping it.

When we reached my house, my father was out front in his car, which meant he and my mother were fighting. Often times my father would drive around but his car stayed parked and he was smoking a cigarette out the window. All the lights in the house were turned off, except the living room, which meant my mother was drinking.

My house wasn't unassuming by any means. It dwelled in comparison to Will's but I knew it loomed over most individuals. Sometimes, it loomed over me. 

As we headed up the front steps, my father yelled out to us, "Janie!" Everything was cold here. In this hot spell of summer, my skin turned goosey, and I prayed for a regular conversation with my father for Alex's sake. 

I turned and took two steps toward my father. Alex remained on the first step but watched us. My father gave us a look: a raised eyebrow, a tilted head, a shifting glance. A pit felt in my stomach and I thought he was going to send my Alex away. I had stolen him away from the party, from everyone, from Lauren, and he belonged to me unless my father smashed my plans all up. 

And then he yelled, "Tell your mother she's being a bitch!" 

A pit sank even further in me. My father never cared. I didn't utter a word and my father didn't wish me goodnight as he started the engine and Alex and I ducked into the house. Part of me wanted to do something nefarious with Alex to prove some point to my father. Another part thought I would be giving him too much.

Then Alex smiled at me and I didn't think my father's opinions and choices mattered much. It felt like my choice for something. Not something forced upon me or some vengeful decision.

I whispered to Alex to follow me up the stairs quickly as we dashed up. I didn't want to get hold of my mother who was clanking bottles around in the kitchen. I hoped Stacey was asleep through their whole fight. Likely, she had her ear on the door or worse was forced to witness and choose sides—something my mother made us do during fights. 

Alex and I ducked into my room. He seemed to get a kick out of it. "I feel like James Bond."

I rolled my eyes and flipped my light switch on. My room had acquired an extra messiness since I had yet to unpack from The Bahamas. I was too tired to care and Alex didn't mind. In fact, he seemed to get a kick out of it.

My walls were pink and covered with pictures from unknown drunken nights and childhood memories. Little trinkets I had collected over the years that no one knew the meaning of except me sat around across my room.

Alex picked up a plastic flower I had placed on my desk. He stayed taciturn.

"That's from my first boyfriend." I giggled. It seemed silly to talk about Tim. I felt dumb for keeping such a thing for so long but it was a sweet gesture and I took savouring to a near hurtful level.

He laughed too. "Oh." He put it down gently as if the fake petals would fall off any moment. "Holding on for safekeeping."

I folded my arms and leaned against my desk. "I hold on to everything. Too much."

Alex shook his head. "I don't think I do that enough. I wish I was more sentimental about things."

"Don't be. It's the worst fate you can have. You either become a hoarder or you become one of the people that think having something that reminds you of a person is an excuse not to talk to them."

Alex looked around on my shelves. Examining each item with detail. "Candy wrapper?"

"That's just trash."

We laughed and he moved onto the Madeline doll I had sitting on lopsided on my shelf. Likely last touched years ago. My mother had gotten the doll for me and I didn't want to talk about that. About how my mother or what used to be.

"Do you want to sit?" I gestured to my bed, a foot away from my desk.

He sat down and I didn't move. Our feet intersected but never touched. We were quiet and then Alex asked, "Did you write anything recently?"

I shielded myself and lied with a shake of my head. "I'm not a writer. I told you that."

He smirked. "I don't believe you. Come on." I shook my head and I watched as his eyes traced down to the open notebook on my desk. "What's that?"

"A book."

"What kind of book?"

"Notes from school."

"Why are you looking at notes from school over the summer?"

Before I had time to react, he launched himself toward the desk. I blocked the book with my body. He tried to swing around to try and grip it from the other side. I swayed my hips to prevent him. Soon it turned to a dance and soon Alex tried other efforts by tickling me. "Stop!" I squealed.

"Oh, come on, Jane!"

"No!"

"I'll show you mine if you show me yours." Such a typically salacious comment came off as charming and playful and my room filled with laughter. We reverberated through the house and sliced the silence. My house hadn't been that loud since Stacey was in the throes of the terrible twos. It was a delightful charm that a home should have.

I pushed his hands off of me. "Stop it. Stop it." I giggled uncontrollably. Alex laughed along and rested back on my bed. He leaned back onto his elbows. It oozed coolness and my body was burning alive from the inside out. 

"Eventually?"

"Eventually," I promised. I was too nervous to show anything to my peers. I took it deeply seriously and if somebody—somebody like Alex—told me it wasn't any good then everything would be for nothing. I would be a talentless loser and to show that to Alex, who viewed me in a revered spotlight, meant that I truly had no future. Nothing to escape Wakefield, my parents, or myself.

"What about your writing?" I asked him. I tempted fate and hopefully Alex by moving onto my bed. I lied on my stomach beside him, resting forward on my elbows.

"I don't know. I don't really think I'm any good." He gazed off, examining the room an inch at a time.

I was reminded of an off-handed comment. "Matt says you are."

"He's just being polite, you know." Alex played things off with ease. He never made a show of compliments, even truthful ones. I don't think he believed the good himself. He put on a show of things but never had a deep confidence. Everything was locked within himself too deep for even him to know it.

"I don't think so. He had nothing to gain by telling me," I said.

Alex faced me, eye to eye, closer than we'd ever been. "What did you think of them? Those ones at The Grapes."

He read me. The wheels turning in my mind trying to formulate a response. "Be honest, Jane," Alex urged.

I didn't want to discourage him. I liked some of it. They took you on a journey and fit the music. I sat up on my knees. "Well, they were good."

Alex threw his head back. "There no good, Jane, you can just say it, you know. Don't have to tiptoe 'round the whole thing."

I grabbed his hand, the one closest to me that was lying against my blanket. It was quick and unintentional, like some gut instinct. I held it tight. "No! I like them. You're a storyteller, Alex Turner."

"But?" He smiled at me, taking no offense to my critiques.

I bit my bottom lip to prevent my own wild grin. "But...they need some work. Which! Everything needs. Revising is key to any good written work." I jostled our shared hands unconsciously while speaking. Neither of us noticed. It was an attachment that made sense to be joined together.

"So what should I do? Employ the Hemingway method and write drunk, edit sober?" He joked.

I corrected him, "Hemingway never said that. That's from Reuben, Reuben. But that's beside the point." 

"Reuben, Reuben?" He questioned.

"Yeah, it's a Peter De Vries novel and movie with Tom Conti, but whatever—"

Alex cut me off, "What's it about?"

I scowled at him for interrupting me. "It's about this poet who has writer's block and drinks all day. It's pretty much about Dylan Thomas. Anyways—"

He ignored me again. "Is it any good?" He cocked a smile at me. He knew what he was doing getting me all riled up and irritated at the interruption. 

I pursed my lips at her and dropped his hand to shove him. "Shush!" Alex cackled, pleased by my annoyed attitude, and the way my nose puckered up. I watched as his hand slithered its way back to mine, grabbing hold of it. It was the first time I realized I had been holding his hand. I didn't say anything about it. Maybe he had done it unknowingly and I didn't want him to stop doing it. His palm was soft but held callouses on the edges and he fit just right.

"The whole 'writing drunk, editing sober' idea isn't actually bad," I told him.

Alex raised his eyebrows. "You want me to become Dylan Thomas?"

I giggled softly. "Not that exactly but why don't you go out and write about all the shite that happens 'round Sheffield. You know, like fools picking girls up in the air or Joanie's hideous spray tan."

He chuckled. "I mean, I've kind of done that. Ravey Ravey Ravey Club might be shite—"

I insisted. "I never said that!"

Alex eyed me suspiciously. "It might be shite but isn't that what it's about?"

"It's a try-hard song. You're an observer. I know you're not just sitting in the corner daydreaming. You watch."

A shit-eating grin spread across his face. I thought he had been struck with inspiration. That I'd given him a brilliant idea. One that would launch a thousand ships. Instead, he said, "You watching me, Janie?"

"Ugh!" I groaned. He erupted into laughter. He dropped my hand and fell onto my back beside him.

"Don't be embarrassed. Most writers are observers." I gave him a look translating to knock it off. "What do you see?" Alex asked me.

I tap my chin like I have to think about it. "You're shy and you sit in the corner most nights unless Matt or one of the guys is with you, then you stand next to them like you're their teddy bear or something." His laugh makes me laugh. "If you're in the corner, you're usually with a girl who you'll talk with all night but never kiss or leave with. It's very bizarre."

"Maybe I'm looking to take home the girl who is doing the robot—hey!" I punch his arm and he clutches it in exaggerated pain.

"You're a little too observant," I noted.

Alex explained, "You're very entertaining to watch."

"You make it sound like I'm a stripper."

I turned my head and his head was turned to look at mine. Inches apart, perfectly aligned, his eyes dashed across every inch of my face, while mine never strayed from his eyes. 

"If you want to kiss me, you can," I whispered to him. 

I wanted to kiss him but I wanted him to do it first. I wanted to take my time, not jump him. I wanted to handle him with care because I knew he would be with me and I'd never experienced that before. I only experienced rough and snapping touches. Alex would caress me and take me with ease. He would look for my permission at every step of the way. He would push my hair behind my ear and hold my head so delicately in his hands. He would kiss me slowly and tenderly. His hand would gradually rub my thigh before I told him to take my dress off. I could imagine his eyes widening at my boobs, braless and perky. I would shred my underwear because he'd be too nervous while he would take his shirt off. I wouldn't be rushed, it would be thought-out and delicate. For the first time in my life, it would be me who was cared for. He would tend to me, ask me what I wanted, and then do it. Do it perfectly. I would offer to do the same to him and he'd shake his head and say some other time. He would lie over me but it would be me in control. I'd call the shots and he'd accept them, he'd want to do them. He'd be slow until I told him to pick up the pace. We would end together and then he'd hold me. He'd hold me. In a loose manner that didn't strangle me. I would smile over at him and he would smile over at me. It would be the best thing I'd ever experienced.

"I don't want to do that with you, Jane." I hated him. He wrecked all my dreams and I realized he must be just as bad as every other guy. Will might have grabbed my ass too many times and collapsed over me dripping sweat before I even got started but Alex emotionally assaulted me. I never expected Will to care about me but Alex sat here and acted like he did. He got off on this. Getting girls' hopes up. I wonder if Lauren thought he was going home with her tonight. If she had planned an evening of fun after he laughed at her jokes and told her she was talented. He made me feel special but I was only a special dumb girl who revealed myself to him in vulnerable ways. He must laugh at this at home and cum in his pants at the thought of me crying when he leaves. It would be the worst thing I'd ever experienced.

I sat up quickly. I didn't look at him. My heart felt heavy and my eyes begged for me to let them blink but crying in front of him would be worse and giving him some sort of power. 

I heard Alex rustle behind me. I thought he was about to touch my shoulder, pretend to comfort me, and say he had to leave. I snapped around to look at him, propped up on his elbows again, looking confused. He should be some actor, not a damn singer.

"Are you gay?" I asked. I knew he wasn't. I wanted to shame him in some way. Like he wasn't some suave guy. He was some repressed homosexual.

He let out a snort. "What?" He played clueless perfectly.

It wasn't some playful anger I felt now. It was rage. Rage at him and the games men play and whatever this stupid act was. I thought about yelling at him but I think he wanted me to do that. I felt he loved that kind of thing. Extra ammo. 

I turned back around and the room fell silent. It was everything else that happened in this haunted house. It sucked every drop of joy out of everything.

"I shouldn't get involved with my bookie, you know." Alex laughed awkwardly. The way it came out, forced and choppy, cracked away at something in me. That hidden crevice in me that not everyone was out to get me.

"Yeah." I sighed and mustered something up in me to look at him. "Do I get paid for this bookie thing?"

"Well, I mean, the band isn't exactly making much money. Not really any."

"You can pay me in drinks." 

He grinned. "Sure."

I stuck my hand out for him to shake, completing the interview process. I sniffled and it was the worst thing I could have done because Alex's face flashed pain at the realization that I was hurt by him. I could've taken it as him not having ulterior motives but I chose not to. 

He shook my hand and I walked him out. I gave him my number and he gave me his but everything was done under the guise of business. I told him to get home okay but I didn't watch him walk away. I just went back inside and went to sleep.

*

A week and a half later, Alex and I set out to get the band gigs. I invited Claire to come with us, too terrified to be alone with Alex since my self-inflicted embarrassment. My reasoning—which was in part valid—being that Claire knew Sheffield way better than I did. Alex had a set of knowledge and a list of places he thought of, but he had the voice of a mouse and no boobs. 

Claire and I walked hip-to-hip, arms hugged around each other, and Alex trailed beside us. He was an excluded child not allowed in our sandbox. I felt awkward. Alex looked awkward. Claire didn't really give a shit. She's just had to pee.

"Ooh!" Claire cheered. "Let's stop in The Boardwalk. I can pee and then we'll ask them for a gig or whatever. I know that bar guy. Joshua. Jane knows who I'm talking about." She was talking a mile a minute and definitely on something.

The moment we stepped foot in the bar, Claire ditched for the bathroom. Alex and I were left alone. I hated myself for making it awkward, a thing I seem to still have a commitment to doing.

"Do you want to sit?" Alex offered a barstool.

We sat beside one another and I placed my bag on the one beside me to save for Claire. I couldn't think of a single thing to say to him. It felt more practical to sit in silence. Take in the ambiance of the bar. Everything felt caught in my throat, or rather, caught in my head as I couldn't think of a single thing. I resigned to not make eye contact with him. He resigned to do the exact opposite.

"Why'd you bring Claire?" Alex asked me.

"She knows Sheffield better."

He scoffed. "I know Sheffield. I didn't ask Claire. I asked you."

"I'm still here." That's not what he meant and I knew it but denial is the key genetic trait subjected to every Cavendish. 

My eyes looked down at the floor. It felt uneasy and ill-fitting but, to me, it was better than looking at his eyes. Alex tilted his head down, trying to look at me. "Is this summat to do with the kiss thing?"

I answered with a "very" convincing performance of "I don't give a shit" by saying, "Pft, no way. Don't flatter yourself." It was mean and said with bitterness but I was too down on myself to be nice.

When I looked at him, his eyes were cold and uninviting, he turned away and looked at Claire as she came skipping back over. My insides twisted in on themselves at the way he smiled at her and it felt ruthless. I reminded myself that he turned me down so if he went for some other girl, I never stood much of a chance. But if he went out with Claire I'd probably kill myself.

"Right, shall we give it a try?" Claire asked us. We both silently nodded. Claire stuck her hand in between Alex and me and tapped insistently on the bar. "Excuse me!"

A man came over, dragging his feet, and it felt obvious that we were a bunch of underaged kids. But he responded, "Yes?"

"Is Joshua here?" Claire asked.

The man began to snicker. "Joshua got canned because he was giving liquor to a bunch of underage girls."

Claire's smile dropped. She attempted to recover steadily but her reaction told her story for her, despite what she proceeded to lie about. "That's unfortunate." She sounded just like her mother. "Well, we'd like to speak to someone about getting a gig here."

The man shook his head. "No can do if you're minors, I'd like to keep my job."

Claire giggled. "I'm smitten"—Alex and I both shared a look with one another and chuckled at the word usage, softening our cold war—"that you'd think I was so young. You're very kind."

"Nice try. I let you use the bathroom but you're not getting much further." 

Claire rolled her eyes. "It's just a gig."

The man fought back. "I've got nappies to buy. Shoo."

"Don't shoo me!" Claire was growing feisty and that meant a business that no one wanted to witness. She was pounding and loud and usually not forgiven.

I grabbed a hold of her arm and dragged her back. "We'll leave," I told the man.

When we exited, The Boardwalk, Claire sighed loudly. "Sorry. That fucking idiot Joshua probably fed some 12-year-old. I've had no issues before!"

I laughed at her dramatics. "It's fine, Claire."

She sighed again. "I hate to leave you guys but Reg called while I was in the bathroom and I forgot I had a shift at work."

I panicked. "So, you have to leave?" My eyes were wide and I was not winning any awards for my acting. I was rigid and displayed raised eyebrows.

Claire frowned. "Sorry and since I'm not getting paid for this I can't quit my day job. I'll call you tomorrow, J." She hugged me tight and waved at Alex. "See ya, Al."

Alex waved back and Claire dashed down Bank Street. We were left alone and I debated turning away from him but I had agreed to give him a ride home. "Sorry," I mumbled to him.

He shrugged. "I assume we're done then."

I digested a pit into my stomach and there wasn't much I could do. I didn't want to hang around him but I felt I let him down more by coming up empty-handed. I nodded and he set off toward the car.

I walked three steps behind him. I didn't bother to catch up. There wasn't much point since I didn't know what to say to him. He didn't turn back to check if I was still behind him. The clicking of my shoes was enough of any indicator. 

About a block away, he stopped. I slowed my walking until I was beside him. "What's wrong?" I asked. He was frozen, with no motion, and I worried for him.

Alex hesitantly turned his head to look at me. "You are a terrible bookie." I laughed and then kept walking.

He cracked through our tension and left me standing on the corner of Queen Street. I chased him down while wracked with giggles. When I caught up to him, I told him, "A bookie is someone who takes bets for sports. I think you wanted a booker and I got confused."

Alex grinned and reached the passenger side. We got on much better on the way back to his house than on the ride down the City Centre.

When we reached his house, I apologized for the bad job I'd done. He shook his head. "It's fine. We probably need more time to practice anyway."

"I'll get you a gig. I swear. I'd never pass up free drinks."

Alex laughed and thanked me anyway. He waved goodbye to me as he unlocked his front door. I pulled away about 5 minutes into my drive I realized I had gone the wrong way. I was headed south toward the City Centre. I decided my misdirection was giving me a sign and I drove back to The Boardwalk.

I snuck in and the same man was at the bar. Trying my luck and hoping he didn't notice me behind Claire, I approached him. "Is there someone I can talk to about booking a gig?"

His eyes peered up and his look wasn't welcoming. "Determined."

I smiled because charm was going to be the only way this worked out. "I've got a job."

He raised his eyebrow. "This band has minors. I don't think the boss is gonna like that."

"What if I could promise you a crowd?" I asked him.

"A crowd of minors?"

I rolled my eyes and shook my head. "No." There totally would be but ask for forgiveness, not permission. "A promise of a crowd of legal paying customers and that no minors will be drinking. Swear."

He hesitated. His eyes moved up and down my body, before he said, "I'll ask."

I smiled pleased but demanded, "Now." I was rarely authoritative, especially around strangers, but I felt that I had to do this. I couldn't imagine disappointing Alex. I had a job to do.

He smirked. "Fine. If you'll come out with me tomorrow."

It was probably some form of prostitution but I didn't care much about my body. It was a tool for me and if I had to use it to get ahead in this, then so be it. I had little regard for myself. I convinced myself that I somehow had the power in these situations.

Later that night, I knocked on Alex's house. When his mother answered, I felt nervous like meeting my boyfriend's mother for the first time. She smiled and when I asked for Alex she called out for him with the promise there was a pretty girl at the door for him.

He came to the door the same as I dropped him off. His eyebrows furrowed. "You okay? Your car okay?"

I couldn't hide the grin on my face. It was unstoppable, wide, cheek-aching. I almost jumped up and down in front of him. "You have a gig at The Boardwalk on August 14."

Frank and I went out the following night. It was nice enough for us to start dating in a sloppy manner. I got free drinks, too, even if I was still 17.

*

On the night of August 14, I sat at the bar while Frank tended it. With the promise of action at the night's end, he fed me as many drinks as I ordered, no payment required. Besides the blowjobs, I suppose. My opinion on the Monkeys didn't shift much when they took to the stage. Their setlist was similar to their night at The Grapes, besides a new cover. 

My job as booker was done and I was more focused on my glass and Frank's hands. Joanie was attentive enough for both of us. She stood at the stage's edge and jumped around. I upheld my promise of a crowd, even if most of them weren't focused much on the music and definitely not minors. 

When their set had come to an end, they came around to the bar about 20 minutes later. Still sweaty and hair hand-run-through. Matt was the first one to appear, saying, "I knew we could trust J.R. Cavendish."

I scrunched up my brows. "How do you know about my middle name?"

"How you think?" His head gestured to Joanie, still dancing around. "I think we should keep you on."

Frank came behind me. He was no longer behind the bar and his arms around me made me jump. "Well, I certainly had fun, but that was more from Jane though you lads."

My body was rigid. I wasn't a fan of this affectionate public display. I wasn't a fan of doing it in front of any of the Monkeys, but Alex's eyes darting around in confusion made me feel even more stiff in both body and mind. 

I tapped Frank's arm. His hold only tightened. "You can thank Frank for the gig," I told them.

"Oh, Joanie told me 'bout this. New boyfriend," Matt teased me. Alex had snapped over to Matt and the instant pleasure—the endorphins that flooded my system—was the biggest high I had ever experienced.

Frank relinquished his hold on me and took two steps back. "Well, I don't know anything about that." He snickered and my high crashed. "Don't get any ideas, Jane."

I didn't care for Frank ever. I was never in love with him. I, like him, was just getting my fill of things. But the way he snickered, it wrapped around me and constricted me. I was numb to this. I had been numb to this for so long. Even if I was mad at Alex, or embarrassed, he never made me feel insignificant. I felt interesting and important, even if he confused me more than anything I'd ever encountered. 

The Franks and the Wills of the world had tortured me for extensive periods that didn't feel significant. It didn't feel significant when the first one of them treated me this way because I was my mother. Simple as that.

It felt significant to share a thought and that thought be appreciated.

"Don't worry, I don't like slumming," I told Frank. I grabbed my purse and left, too drunk to drive, too early to go home, too filled with remorse and anger to ask for help.

I walked two blocks, no tears because Frank didn't deserve tears, I deserve tears. I deserved a weeping apology from every fucking loser guy who had come near me. I didn't know what to do with the hole growing in my stomach. The black hole that was coming for my heart. I was once a sensitive child. I'm a sentimental being. So, why did every relationship mean nothing? Why was I hoarding fake roses from Tim Hoardecker for nearly a decade but never cared for real flowers from all those stupid boyfriends? How much of a loser was I that my best relationship was one that lasted a week at summer camp when I was 10?

*

School began and I shielded myself from much of my former world. I hadn't heard from Joanie since The Boardwalk. I didn't care much. Rosie was with Will and Joanie was with Matt, secluded away, so I ate lunch with Claire and AB. They were the sanest anyway. I had known Claire since primary school, much like Joanie, but we'd never been close like Joanie and I were. Claire and I only grew in our bond in college while Joanie's and I's bond diminished.

Claire was the closest thing to a model I had ever witnessed with my own eyes, despite what my mother insisted about her past lives as an "actress," "model," and beauty queen (the only one that had been confirmed due to the tiara she displayed on the mantle). She was kissed by the Sun, blonde, and what I imagine every Viking in the village fought over for a chance to look at her.

AB was brunette and always looked like he had been in a fight, even though he couldn't kill a fly. He was the sweetest guy I'd ever known and girls prayed at night that they could marry him. I hoped, after all the jerks I'd end up with a guy like AB. I never attempted anything with AB because I was an immature rascal who was at least smart enough to not ruin a guy like that.

I heard through AB that the Monkeys had a concert at The Pheasant. None of us went. Sheffield was too far for any of us to drive and AB was sick of hanging out with a bunch of drunks. Claire and I had a sleepover instead, which I can confirm was much better because her mom's cooking is made by angels.

But after intentionally avoiding Alex for a month, I ran into him on campus grounds one day. On a walk between class and the parking lot, he snuck up behind me in a way usually reserved for kidnappers and murderers. "Hey, Jane C."

I, obviously terrified, shrieked and nearly tripped over my feet over each other. He rested his hands on my shoulders to steady me. I hit him with my textbook, a brick and loaded nonsense. "Alex Turner, you don't sneak up on women."

I kept walking and he kept in step with me. "I haven't seen you in a while. You quittin' on me?" Something had changed about him. His appearance was much of the same, except he was bundled up in a cheap tracky jacket. We contrasted each other in too many ways, I thought. I was a snob but not in an extreme fashion. The only thing I turned my nose up at was clothes. My coat was wool and lined with buttons. I hadn't worn a jacket with a zipper on it since the one week my mum allowed me to play football. I was charmed by it. It wasn't in some rich girl pity kind of way. Plenty of rich losers wore tracksuits, including my mother, but they weren't as cute as a button in them. 

"I wasn't aware I was still on retainer. Not like you need my help much anyway. I heard about The Pheasant gig."

Alex chuckled. "Yeah, that nobody came to. We played The Boardwalk again too. Not so much fun when there's nobody there."

"Well, I'm sure your luck will change." We'd reached my car and I wasn't trying to force him away but I was eager to get home and the wind chill was some of the harshest I've experienced.

"I wanted to talk to you about that." I had to resist an eye roll because I was making it a goal of mine not to be off-putting to people when they were being nice. It was going okay.

I looked up at him. He was on the opposite side of the car. Almost like he knew I was going to invite him into my car. I raised an eyebrow, silently urging him to explain. Instead, he slid a notebook across the roof of my car. 

I grabbed it before it flew to the ground. He had bookmarked a page. "Don't be snoopy and read other shite that's in there."

I furrowed my brows, looking at the scratches across the page. I was unsure what to make of it. The writings looked more like his notes for psychology than "It's a song," as he said.

I held my thumb down on the page and squinted as the wind rattled the pages. It became impossible to read and I looked up at the anxiety written on his face. I was pretty good at reading him too. 

We escaped the wind in my car and I was finally able to read through it. I dissected it in an eager manner. Noting the way it flowed and how vulnerable Alex had been to show it to me. His leg bounced, he tapped his fingers on his thigh and refused to make eye contact with me.

"Bigger Boys and Stolen Sweethearts," I read aloud. I looked up at him. His body leaning away from me, his head resting on his left hand balanced on the door. His hand framed around his face, covering his chin and cheek, shielding himself, as best he could. 

"Who's it about?" I asked. Please be me. He's a boy and he takes time to get it right but he's got it right and this song is an offering that he wants me back. It wasn't the most flattering song for a girl. He says the girl is "pretty fucking far from nice" and I was still young enough to not take offense to those kinds of things.

"How do you know it's about someone?" He questioned.

I shrugged like his lyrics didn't read as some obvious figure, even if he was talking in the 3rd person.

"That Lauren I ran into at Joan's party." Now 17-year-old me, felt this was an attack. Like Lauren was out to get me. A Lauren that I'd never met and would never meet. She was the obstacle preventing me from being the subject of the song. "I'd written this one a while ago. The advice you gave me, I went back and combed through some old ones lying about."

I pushed my anger to the back of my mind. I focused too much on what I didn't have in those days. Not the fact that Alex wrote something and thought of showing it to me first. I was the first second pair of eyes. I couldn't appreciate things, no matter how much I should've and wished I had.

My silence was irking him. He leaned over the console. Alex tried to decipher what part I was reading. My eyes darted across the small page too much for him to figure out. "What'd you think?"

Alex has never been good at believing in anyone's joy. You'd have to wrangle pride out of him and he'd doubt your belief in him no matter to constant reassurance. For the majority of people, it could be misconstrued as fishing for compliments or would become rapidly annoying. I never minded because I have always been the same way. It was a shared vulnerability. 

"I like it," I earnestly told him.

He shook his head. "You don't have to placate me, Jane." For Christ's sake, he was a teenage boy who used the word placate, I don't know why he thought he was some idiot. 

"I honestly do. I only have a few notes but they're small and you must think it's good too or you wouldn't show me."

Alex slowly smiled and then laughed. He was pleased with himself. It was his version of puffing his chest out. "Maybe."

"I think so and I have great taste. Well, in some things," I corrected myself. "Why don't you write it in first person?" I suggested.

"I like it in third," Alex said.

"You like hiding behind a character."

He gave me a pointed look. I had caught him in the act. I had given him the Alex treatment. It wasn't intentional. It was an easy thing for me to discern and I wasn't judging him. After months of languishing over it, I realized that if Alex did this to me, then it must have been instinct, not judgment. 

I told him, "We all do. Don't worry. That's what being a writer is."

"What would you know about being a writer, Jane?" Alex was teasing and flirtatious. He could switch between innocence and naughty ways in a quick compelling method that only made him increasingly attractive.

I bit my bottom lip to prevent the upturn of my lips and if I wasn't scared of being turned away again, I think I would've kissed him. "I have some experience." I had yet to admit it to myself before I told Alex about it. It seemed fitting that he would be the first to know before I even knew.

He grinned and I figured Alex only felt pride in two ways, a hidden, buried-in-his-ribcage pride and proving-me-wrong pride, which usually ended up meaning pride in me.

*

a/n: so...this is the first part...i hope you like it...more to come whether you like it or not because i'm already too invested in this. okay, thanks for reading!

[baronessvonglitter]

Cherry, Cherry 🍒 Chapter 11 🍒

"I Was Made for Lovin' You"

pre-outbreak! AU!Joel Miller x f!Reader

Word count: 5,067

Summary: you and Joel head to a quiet lakeside cabin for a romantic weekend.

WARNINGS: 18+ Only! Mature and Explicit, age gap (reader is 18, Joel is 35), fluff, oral (m&f receiving), masturbation, somnophilia, exhibitionism, pet names ('daddy' for Joel, 'babygirl' for reader), protected piv sex (super important guys, always wrap it), first time, romance, idiots in love

Author’s notes: This is it! What we've been waiting for! (🎵Tonight is the night/when 2 become 1🎶) Also: Joel is a KISS fan and you cannot change my mind. He's got such a Dad list of music he'd like to listen to during the Main Event. This was originally one LOOONNNGGG chapter that I chopped in two because 5K, wow, my attention span could never.

Series Masterlist

Joel showed you pictures of the cabin in the lake a couple days before you were to leave. It looked rustic yet romantic - just the kind of place he would take you for your first getaway together.

"You really booked it for us?" you'd asked, touched by the gesture. Though you trusted Joel, part of you expected to be let down, simply because you were used to it.

"Didn't I say you could trust me?" he'd said, a little twinkle in his eye as he lifted your chin to give you a soft kiss.

Now it's Friday morning. By the end of the day you will be a new person, or so you hype yourself for what will happen with Joel. He's been insistent that nothing needs to happen this weekend if you aren't quite ready. But when you look at him in the most commonplace of moments and you see the way his eyes scrunch up so adorably when he laughs, or the way he licks his lips right after kissing you, as if to savor your taste; the feel of his beard gently scratching your inner thighs, and you can't imagine sharing yourself with anyone else.

The sun is barely rising in the sky, casting a pale blue light on all it touches. You remember as a kid, waking up early to get ready to leave on a long car trip. That same sense of expectation, of adventure, is heavy in the air.

Joel picks you up in his truck out front. Sofia is home and you risk the chance that she'll spot you from her window, but all is still. The world is quiet. Even the Adlers next door to Joel are likely still asleep. Everything about this morning is giving you the green light. Go. The world is yours.

You put your travel bag in the back, next to Joel's, and you spot a guitar case as well. When you get in the passenger seat you greet him with a kiss and he hands you a Dunkin' Donuts coffee. "The competition?" you narrow your eyes at him. "Rude. But I'll take it."

"This weekend is all about tryin' new things," he says with a barely-contained grin. "With respect to your boundaries, of course."

"I hold all the cards, Joel." You smirk, putting on your seat belt.

"That you do, sweetheart, that you do."

A little more awake after the first sip of coffee you motion to the backseat. "Is that your guitar?"

"Yeah, I play now and then."

"I've literally never seen you with it. You could have serenaded me at any time these past few weeks."

"I regret that I haven't done so, and I promise to do just that. I'll sing below your bedroom window at midnight and hope and pray that you'll give me some of your attention, maybe even let me in if your cousin's not home," he teases.

You drive west, away from the rising sun, towards skies that just barely lighten as you pass. The radio's on but the music doesn't register. You're just soaking up this time with him, his hand on your lap while his eyes focus on the road.

"About that.. So, Tommy and Sofia.." you start.

Joel chuckles. "Yeah, that really came outta left field."

"He never let on to you about it?"

"Nope. But I guess it's been kinda obvious in hindsight."

"Do you think we've been obvious?"

Joel frowns a little in thought. It's one of the expressions you love about him. "Nah, I don't think so. People probably think you're at my house for Sarah, which isn't far from the truth."

Sarah, who's become the link between you and Joel. There are times you feel really bad about using her as an excuse, and you have to wonder how much she knows, if she's caught on to what exactly is going on between her friend and her father. She's at Tommy's this weekend, while you and Joel have made your separate alibis. With so many secrets you speculate the possibility of all of them spilling out one day. Then you look at Joel, the way the morning light casts its rays on his handsome profile, and you know that if there's ever a fallout it will be worth it for him.

"I brought some music for us," he says, producing a CD in a clear case. "I thought you might like a little playlist for tonight, something to set the mood."

"That's so sweet," you give him a peck on the cheek and check out the label, handwritten in Joel's small, all-caps scribble.

You blush as you read the titles, knowing most of them already, and skimming through the rest, love songs from even before Joel's time. "A pretty comprehensive list," you compliment. "You put all this together for me?"

He blushes too. "Sarah helped me find the songs and burn 'em onto the CD."

You giggle. "She had to be weirded out. What does she think you're up to?"

"She probably thinks I'm seein' someone, and she'd definitely be right." His hand squeezes your thigh.

You smile. "Let's have a preview. I've only heard of a few of these." Some of these are your dad's favorites, so of course Joel would like them too. You put thoughts of your father out of your mind and put in the CD, setting it to play at random.

You lace your fingers with his on your lap as KISS starts to play, a bass-heavy rock with passionate lyrics about lovers who are made for each other, and the euphemisms are not lost on you. "You would pick out a bunch of rock anthems," you tease him, moving your hand to his thighs.

He smiles and is quiet for a moment, half-listening to the music with you. "Y'know, I've been thinkin'.."

"About what?"

He sips the dregs of his coffee and clears his throat. "It's a long stretch of road until we get to another town."

"You want me to drive this next half? I don't mind."

Joel chuckles, admiring your naivete. "I was thinkin' you might make this drive more interesting for us." He boldly places your hand on his cock, already hard inside his jeans.

"Joel.." you're partly shocked, though admittedly you're already wet at the thought of going down on him as he's driving.

"That's the only thing I'll ask of you all weekend, I swear," he says, and god damn it, he uses those puppy dog eyes on you.

"Do you think I need that much persuasion?" You massage his erection through his jeans and he hisses in expectation. He shifts his hips and after some careful maneuvering his fly bis open, and your head is in his lap, mouth wrapped around his substantial cock. With one hand Joel pushes your hair back, allowing himself a view of his length going in and out of your mouth. Hearing his grunts and groans turns you on and you desperately thrust your fingers inside you to alleviate your need. This sends Joel over the edge and you feel the twitch of his cock before his warm cum shoots at the back of your throat. You stroke him until he's released every drop, and he strokes your hair lovingly. "That's my girl, sucking up every god damn drop. Now finish what you started," he says, glancing at your shorts as you pull away. "Make yourself cum for me."

"Right now?" you ask in disbelief, licking his saltiness from your lips.

"Right now, babygirl," he says in that deep, husky voice that kindles a fire deep inside you. You scoot back to the passenger side so he can view you better and even though his eyes only flit to you every few seconds, your hand slips under your shorts and into your panties. You tease yourself into a frenzy, wishing it was Joel's fingers instead of your own, but getting the job done nonetheless.

"Does that feel good?" he asks, licking his lips as his eyes go from the road to you.

"Not as good as when you do it," you moan.

"Oh, babygirl," he whispers.

Your fingers rub over your clit in a flurry of movements. The sheer danger of what you're both doing is intoxicating. The breeze blows through the open window, lifting your strands of hair as you skillfully bring yourself to climax. Joel thinks he's never seen a prettier sight, this image of you is burned into his brain, etched onto his heart. When you're done he grabs your hand and licks your fingers. "You're always makin' a mess ford Daddy to clean up, aren't ya?"

"How else am I gonna get your attention?" you tease him.

"You're impossible," he shakes his head and you take the wheel a moment as he starts to carefully put himself away and zip up. You've elicited the dopiest grin from him.

"I won't be impossible after tonight," you counter with a sly smile.

The cabin on the lake is just as picturesque as in the brochure, like something out of a movie, quaint and rustic, with a wooden pier leading out to the lake. "I love it," you tell him excitedly.

"I hoped you would." He smiles at you and puts your belongings inside, insisting you don't need to lift a finger. Inside it's cozy, bucolic. The only room that stays in your memory is the bedroom - boasting a king size bed with a quilted coverlet and the furniture made of cherry, or so Joel tells you. The craftsman in him is impressed with the workmanship, but when you stretch out on the bed to test its comfort and sturdiness, his thoughts turn carnal. "You don't know how fuckin' hot you are, do ya? Or maybe you do and you're just gettin' my blood boilin' on purpose.."

"Whatever do you mean?" you playfully lounge on the bed, posing provocatively.

He growls and practically pounces on you. "You're lucky I have patience, babygirl. Besides, I gotta make a little trip out to get groceries and some other things we might need."

"But we just got here.." you do your best to give what you think is a sexy pout.

"I know," he rumbles. "But I have a surprise in store and I'd rather you didn't see it."

You're thrilled to see what kind of surprise Joel has in mind for tonight. You give him one more kiss. "I guess I'll just lay here waiting for you to return.. building up a fantasy about you in my head."

He chuckles and gives you another quick kiss. "I'll try not to be gone too long. Be good."

After he leaves you change into your swimsuit and grab a towel. It's in the high 90s today. The sun is brilliant in the cloudless sky. It's essentially a perfect day, as if the universe knows it's your last day as a virgin.

You spray yourself with sunscreen, vowing to get Joel to help you with this chore the next time, and lay out on the deck upon the towel. The lake is quiet but for the faraway sounds of a boat. The neighbors are scarce and it's highly unlikely you'll run into anyone during your stay. A gentle breeze blows across the lake, cooling you off a bit. Smiling, you put on your sunglasses and drift off to a nice nap.

You dream of Joel, of his head between your legs, his tongue tickling your clit. You sigh and pull him closer.

"You taste so good, babygirl," he murmurs. "But I thought you were gonna wait on that bed for me."

Giggling, you open your eyes to see that Joel really is there, eating you out while you're laying out on the deck. You're too turned on to protest, sitting upon your elbows to watch as he delicately moves the bottom of your swimsuit to rasp his tongue along your slit.

"Joel.. here?" you find the breath to say.

His eyes flicker up to yours, smiling before he licks another stripe up your crease, ending at your clit which he suctions between his lips, making you arch up, fingers tangled in his hair. "You taste like sunshine and coconut," he says, avidly tasting you.

Your veins are liquid fire, your entire being pulsing with sensualism. In fact you barely register the sounds of a boat passing by, and when you turn your head to the side it's too late to hide. A small group of people on board start whooping and hollering, shouting lewd encouragement as they pass. You glance between your thighs to see Joel's face quite red, and he flips them the middle finger, nonetheless persisting in his pleasurable task. "They can't see us from that far, babygirl," he assures you. "They don't know who we are."

It's hard for you to explain that you like it, that people's eyes on you in such a private moment is quite a turn on. You press yourself against his mouth and he readily accepts, filling you with his tongue, caressing it over your pussy, the tip of his nose nudging your clit before he fully takes you into his mouth and holds down your thighs as you quiver and shake, your sweet sounds filling his ears as your sweet juices fill his mouth.

After, he carefully cleans you up with the towel and rearranges your swimsuit bottom. He does all this with a care that seems to melt your heart. The boat with its passengers is long gone, as if you'd dreamt it.

At the cabin you both rinse off and freshen up for dinner. Joel treats you to to a meal of grilled steak, baked potato and salad. After laying in the sun so long you've grown hungry and as you see the feast laid before you, you're impressed.

"This all looks amazing, Joel," your mouth waters. "You really did all this for me?"

He pulls out a chair for you. "This weekend is all about you," he says, voice full of love. You can't keep a smile off your face throughout the entire meal. No one's ever made you feel this special before. Everything is delicious, and when you compliment Joel on his culinary prowess he just blushes and says it's no big deal, but it's evident he's pleased by your reaction.

The moment is surreal as you hold hands over the table, both of you thinking of the next move. You gaze at him, head resting on your hand. "We've been very honest and open with each other and I think that bodes really well for our relationship.. so can I ask.." you turn bright red. "Obviously tonight will be my first time, but.. when was the last time you.. you know?"

He smiles a little, looking thoughtful. "Probably a few months ago. March or April. She wasn't anyone special," he feels compelled to tell you.

You nod. "Okay. What about your first time? What was that like?"

This time his smile is genuine and you can tell he's remembering something meaningful. "Well, I was fifteen. She was the same age. We sort of dated in high school. You know how it is." You smile as he strokes your hand with his fingers. "What matters is now. I'm gonna make tonight so special for you."

"It already is." You squeeze his hand. He pats his lap and you go to him, your heart warm and glowing as you take your seat and his arms wrap around you.

"We're gonna take our time with everything," he says. "There's no rush. It's all about you."

His words alone cause a rush of sensation to your core. "Will you still want me after I'm no longer a virgin?"

He smiles and kisses your cheek. "Are you serious? Of course I'm still gonna want you. I'll probably want you even more after I've made you mine. And if I could, I'd make you mine every day."

There's a fluttering in your chest, as if your heart has grown wings. "I'm only ever going to be yours, Joel.. no one else will have me the way you will. No one else will know me that way."

His deep brown eyes are filled with lust and longing. "Babygirl, that's a big promise to make. And you're so young.."

"I mean it," you stroke his hair and nuzzle his neck, taking in his scent. "I can't wait to feel all of you."

Joel's response is a guttural growl as his arms possessively encircle you.

"Joel.. I want you to own me, to claim me from everyone else."

"You belong with me, you have since day one. Nobody is ever gonna take you away from me. Christ, I've never been so addicted to a woman before." And he claims your mouth, tongue invading and tasting as he lifts you up and places you on the table, hooking your legs around his waist. He presses his hips to you, letting you feel how much he needs you. Your body molds to his naturally, and he continues to press against you, teasing you with his hardness.

"You gonna take me right here?" you ask, only half-joking.

"You deserve better than to be fucked on top of a table your very first time," he smirks and leans in, his lips hovering over yours. "But don't worry: one of these days we'll do exactly that."

You whimper his name and it nearly undoes him. He's tempted to clear the table with just a swipe of his arm and lay you down, fucking you until you scream his name. "Wait," he groans. "I wanted to surprise ya. I said I'd make tonight special." He pulls himself away from you. "Can I trust you to be a good girl and stay here while I get everything ready?"

"What kind of surprise? Tell me," you insist with innocent glee.

"Girl, if I tell ya it won't be a surprise," he laughs.

You promise to be on your best behavior as he goes to set up the bedroom. You want desperately to sneak a peek, to see Joel Miller planning a romantic night, but you keep true to your word and wait, albeit impatiently.

Finally Joel returns and, smiling, takes your hands in his to lead you to the bedroom. The lighting is dimmed, the only source of illumination comes from the two bedside lamps and a dozen LED candles glimmering around the room. The bedspread is adorned with a spill of red, pink, and white rose petals; their fragrance is sweet in the air. Music is already playing over the sound system, but later you won't even remember what it is, just that everything is perfect, and you tell Joel so.

"You mean it?" He puts his arms around you from behind. "You deserve all the attention and all the romance. I didn't want to half-ass this." He studies your face, memorizing every emotion that shows on your uniquely beautiful features. "You make me feel good about myself. I've never really had this before.. you're my angel, my everything. I love you."

It's as if everything has clicked into place. Every moment has led to this. "And I love you, Joel.. I love you and I want you." You press a soft kiss to his lips, cupping the back of his head with your hand. As he returns the kiss you press your body to his, eager to feel all of him. His tongue slips past your lips, tangling with yours as the anticipation grows between you. Stepping back from him you begin to undress. You've done this a dozen times in front of him, but tonight is distinct in its significance.

Joel helps you, his hands gentle in their aid as your top comes off, then your shorts. Your new bra and panties, purchased just for this occasion, leave little to the imagination, and you feel sexy and powerful beneath Joel's gaze. Kissing you again he deftly unclasps your bra, freeing your breasts and cupping them in his large palms. He trails his kisses down your neck, across your breasts, down your belly, until he's on his knees before you. There's a mischief and a hunger in his eyes as he gently pulls down your panties. Your breath hitches as he comes close, inhales your scent, nudges the tip of his nose against you as his warm breath caresses your skin and you gasp when at last his tongue delicately rasps against your folds. He gently parts your thighs, making slow and deliberate licks, then opening you up with his fingers. Biting your lip you give a shuddering sigh as your head leans back, fingers sliding through Joel's hair as his tongue fucks you and he gently sucks on your swollen pussy lips before spoiling your clit. His hands firmly cup your ass, pulling you to him, needfully.

You cum quickly, excited at what the night will bring, and you feel Joel place you on the bed. "Daddy I'm going crazy over here," you moan, your body aflame with desire, with the need to be his. You sit on your knees on the bed, watching him undress and stop him when his erection springs free. "I want to kiss it," you whisper, and lean forward to place a gentle kiss on the tip, tasting a drop of his salty precum. Joel is so hard it hurts and he does everything in his power not to cum when you tease him with your mouth. Sucking his broad tip, licking the underside, hollowing out your cheeks as you fit the first few inches of him in your mouth. "God, babygirl.. I want you so much," he whispers.

You get under the covers, pushing the blankets down so your body exposed to him. "Come here and take what's yours." Joel takes a deep breath and gets on the bed with you, hungry eyes taking in the sight of you and his hands follow suit, tracing the curve of your hips, watching goosebumps rise on your skin.

"Do you have any condoms?" you remember to ask.

"Of course," he smiles and reaches into the bedside drawer. You watch as he removes a foil packet, the label boasting the biggest size, and watch as he carefully rolls it on. You're transfixed by the movements, the way he sheathes his cock in the latex barrier. He touches you gently between your thighs, spreading your wetness around. "You don't have to worry. I'm gonna take care of you.." He kisses you long, slowly, deeply, making you melt. He's pressed hot and hard against your thigh, and you recognize a longing so deep and powerful. You keep your eyes on him as you make room for him between your legs.

He's hovered over you, pressed eagerly at your entrance. His heart beats against yours, so intimate and right. "Joel.. tell me you love me."

He gives you another kiss and gazes into your eyes as he breathes your name. "I love you, so god damn much."

"I love you too, Joel." Sighing, you lift your hips against his. He glides his length over your cunt, teasing your clit. Then he slides two fingers in, pumping gently, in awe of your tightness and your heat. His breath quickens as your hips move against his hand. "Joel, please.." you whimper, and remove his hand, overeager for him to really take you.

Joel takes a deep breath and utters another "I love you" as he gently starts to press into you. You take in the first few inches and he stops when you show discomfort. "Tell me if you want me to stop," he whispers.

You shake your head, heart racing at top speed as your desire to truly be his is the strongest feeling within you. "Don't stop," you tell him.

Joel exhales sharply and tries his best to be gentle as he nudges further. "Look at me," he says, gently cupping your face as he buries himself within you in one smooth thrust. There's a tightness, a pinch of pain that reminds you how inexperienced you are. Joel is warm and solid inside you, and he's not even all the way in yet. He registers the look of discomfort on your face and he pauses. "Babygirl did I hurt you? I'm sorry if I did, I just.." he kisses your neck over and over again. "I'm sorry," he murmurs.

"Joel, it's okay." Your breath hitches in the relevance of this moment. "Can you go a little gentle?"

Joel nods. "Yeah, of course, anything," he says, and slows down, gently kissing your neck. "I'll be as gentle and soft as you want me to be." He presses gently on your clit as he moves against you slowly, carefully, lovingly. As the pleasure of this overrides the twinge of pain, you open for him naturally, and begin gently moving with him as he carves out a space deep inside you that's just for him, that no one else will be able to fill.

So this is what it's like.. you smile and kiss him. "You feel good."

He's holding back, overwhelmed by how fucking perfect this moment is. "You feel amazing, babygirl. Like nothing I've ever felt before." He moves his hips just a little faster, holding you a little tighter. You gasp, but the friction feels so good and the discomfort eases away. Joel listens to your sounds, gauges your reactions as he moves in a little bit deeper, a little bit faster. You tell him when it's too much and he slows down until you're used to it and he continues. "I love you so much.. so god damn much," he whispers.

Soon you're matching him movement for movement. "I love you," you say, wrapping your limbs around him. His hands travel the length of your legs and he moves up, hands on your hips as he watches himself move in and out of you, disappearing into your cunt inch by inch and reappearing, glistening with your slick arousal. You pay attention to how he moves, how he breathes, the warmth of his kisses on your skin, the strength of his arms and power of his hips. "I want it all, Joel," you tremble with need. "Daddy, please," Your body is flushed, excited, on edge. Joel picks up speed, a sense of urgency to him now. He's so deep inside, finally fully connected with you, giving you every single inch with each powerful thrust. "Oh my god.." your eyes pop open as a large and looming feeling begins to take over. "Joel.. I think.. I'm gonna cum!"

His smile is warm and there's pure desire in his eyes, "Yeah, babygirl, keep going. Let it take over." You nod and close your eyes, feeling Joel's movements and your own until your body tenses up, experiencing a great wave of pleasure engulf you, over and over again. You moan his name. It takes every ounce of willpower not to cum when you squeeze and clamp around him, your inner walls fluttering. He watches your face, so beautiful in ecstasy that it near stills his heart. He'd promised you something you'd never forget and he was fully intent on making this the best night of your life. He slows his movements. Your body is so pliant beneath his, moving as he wishes.

You've just come down from your high, smiling, sated, a little sweaty. He's made you cum before but never with his cock inside you. It's a different experience, more intimate. "Joel.. you're so good," is all you can say.

He smiles down at you. "It's that good, huh? You just feel so perfect right now." He starts up again, gliding more easily inside you now that you've cum, now that he's opened you to him. Despite all the women he'd been with before, this time with you feels like he's just discovering the pleasures of sex for the very first time.

You've never felt more powerful, full of joy. Joel grasps your hips and maneuvers you on top. You feel him even deeper, if that's even possible. And now you have control. You move at your own pace, moaning at how he's still stretching you. You roll your hips slowly, savoring the feel of him, and watching him beneath you give you a sense of power.

"My god," Joel moans, his large hands on your hips, fingers digging into your skin, "I'm gonna die, you feel so fuckin' good. Fuck me, babygirl." He's so weak for everything you're doing.

Head thrown back you ride him, chasing your pleasure. Joel bites his tongue, trying his best not to cum right away, wanting this moment to last as long as possible. You brace yourself on his chest, eyes closed, breath panting. "Joel! Joel!"

He groans. "I fuckin' love when you moan my name." He rises up as the heat builds up inside him. "I want to cum with you, baby. Keep going.. almost there," he whispers passionately. His hands grab your ass, guiding you smoothly up and down his cock. He loves that you're a sweaty, writhing mess, and all because of him. Arms wrapped around him, the pleasure overtakes you and you let it, surge after powerful surge radiating between you, and Joel buries his face in your neck as he whimpers, twitching inside you as he comes.

You're left light-headed for a moment, still trying to catch your breath. The pleasure resonates through you, not letting you out of its grasp yet. "Oh.. my god," you mumble.

Joel presses a kiss to your neck and gently parts from you. Your brows furrow from the loss of him as he settles you on the pillows. After discarding of the condom he lays with you, studying your features in the mood lighting. "Are you okay?" he asks, kissing your forehead.

"Yes.. I'm wonderful." Your smile is one of idiotic bliss, despite the slight throbbing, the dull ache of giving yourself to him. "It was so much better than I imagined," you sigh.

He wraps you in his arms, treating you as if you're the most precious object in the world.

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divider by @saradika-graphics & @plum98

[nameuserlee]

“Are you curious about the secrets buried underneath?”

You guessed it, it's another compilation of interesting lines I've gathered from interacting with Sylus at the café. Part 2 (links back to part 1.)

“Do you like my voice? Then you should hear me sing. I'll let you experience it sometime.”

“I'm used to shaving with a razor. It's easier.”

“Seeing you with the sunrise makes the sunlight bearable.”

“You keep poking [my chest]. Are you aiming for my heart? Or are you trying to capture it?”

“Are you trying to match my heartbeat's rhythm? I suggest you go faster.”

“And here I wondered who could possibly approach me with such aggression. It ended up being a wild, untamable Dragon Li.*”

“I'd rather take the initiative.”

“Actually, I dislike having people stand behind me. It makes me feel vulnerable. I gave you a chance... And you did this?”

“Allow me to warn you, sweetie. Suddenly hugging me from behind can be dangerous. If I hadn't seen you coming, you'd be lying on the ground and counting the ceiling lights right now.”

“I had more waist injuries than I can count. But I made sure those people paid for what they've done before those wounds had yet healed.”

“...Why are your hands shaking? I'm not terrifying, right?”

“You don't need to be on guard around me all the time. I'll tell you in advance when I make a move.”

“You're pouting to the point where a gun could hang from your lips. How long have you been upset? If you're upset, let me know. I'm here for whatever you need me to do.”

“People tend to make themselves more beautiful when looking in the mirror. So to know your true self, relying solely on what you see isn't enough.”

“Many were determined to find what they wished to see in me. And they failed. But I believe you'll be the first one to succeed, (Y/N).”

“What's the point of sneaking around to only touch it? Come here. Take my hand. Tightly hold onto it. That way the person in front of you won't be able to escape even if he wanted to.”

“Your fingerprints have been registered. You have complete access to this area now. Aren't you going to do something?”

“Are you really not going to do anything to me when you're standing right here? What a shame.”

“What, did you discern anything from my eyes? On the other hand, I noticed something about you... Something you're unwilling to admit.”

“There are many desires in your eyes. The most obvious one is... Your desire to tame me.”

*For those who were unaware like me, Dragon Li is a cat breed. Meow.

First line made me cackle, because by now we've already established he can't sing, bless his heart. Also, the shaving line... Can you imagine him with a bit of stubble? And his scratchy kisses? No? Anyone?

Also also, he really doesn't like being exposed/feeling vulnerable. Him talking about past injuries, disliking having his back turned... He's been stabbed in the back too many times. I'm bad at theory crafting, so I'm gonna leave it at that.

Anyways, this is really satisfying to put together. I want to know everything there is to know about this man. He has been consuming my every thought, and this is a way to (somewhat) get him out of my system.

[averytirednerd]

About Episodes 7 and 8...MASSIVE SPOILERS!!

Initial thoughts (because if I talk about EVERYTHING right now you'll be here for at least half an hour)...

WHAT THE HELL?!

I mean I loved getting to watch the season finale, don't get me wrong. But I have just as many grievances as things I loved about it and also SO MUCH happened?!?!?!

Charlie: Loved getting to see her be all demon-y, I've been waiting all season. Also loved her and the cannibals (especially Rosie!!!). So glad she got to work w/ Luci to protect the hotel <333 She and Vaggie are adorable too.

Vaggie: I really enjoyed watching her and Carmilla's song, that was cool. Protecting her girlfriend, very cute. I liked seeing her and Lute have that little face-off.

Husk: Sad that we didn't get to see much of him, but I get it. His interactions with the others were sweet (especially Angel). I loved the one line he got to sing on his own in that last song of episode 8. 😍

Angel: Ngl I am very glad he wasn't the one to die. It would've been a fun little "oh crap" moment but I really didn't want to be right. He's still got business down there. His interactions with the others here are everything to me, and he's just grown so much and aaaaaa. It's lovely to see! I love him more and more with every episode.

Niffty: YOU GO, GIRL!!!! Love to see the stabbing. I also really loved the...one line Nifty got. Kimiko Glenn's voice is a gift, I freaked out over getting to hear one line. Anyway. not much else to say other than I definitely thought it was Alastor doing a big "oh look, I'm alive!" thing when Adam got stabbed, but I was pleasantly surprised.

Cherri Bomb/Sir P: I was surprised, to say the least, when Cherri and Sir P had that little moment. Glad they got it before he went and DIED. Cherri is such a good friend to Angel and she's great. Now, onto Sir P...WOW, OKAY. Glad we know Charlie's plan isn't completely stupid. Wonder how Sera's gonna react to him being there now, lol.

The Vees: FIRST OFF, VOX?????? "This is better than sex!" 💀💀💀 Truly was not expecting to see as much of the Vees as we did. Not complaining though. It was...interesting...to say the least, watching Vox get as excited as he did over the prospect of Al dying (still as obsessed as ever, fr). Not at all surprised to see Val and Vox have a thing going, I figured from the interactions we've seen so far. Them dancing together was silly, them practically making out was less so 😃. Also, gotta continue the love for Velvette--putting up with these two idiots must take a lot. Also also, her HAIR! HER HAIR!! EEEEE

Lucifer: I reallllyyyyyy enjoyed seeing Luci make a return to help Charlie, even if it was in one of those "last-minute saves" that I usually hate. Idk, makes sense here I guess because he's probably always watching over Charlie some way. ALSO LUCI AND CHARLIE GOING ALL DEMON-Y TOGETHER WAS <33333333 I really loved him starting off that last song in episode 8, and telling Charlie that he believes in her. It was so sweet. I love Luci sm, hoping he becomes a more integral part of the crew in s2.

Adam/Lute/Lilith: HAHA HOW DOES IT FEEL TO LOSE??? Lute got what she deserved with the whole...arm thing. ALSO WHAT--JUST GONNA CASUALLY DROP LILITH IN HERE NOW? Sure, fine, whatever, totally cool. Not sure how to feel about Lilith atm so moving on. I dunno why I was so shocked upon seeing Adam's face. I guess I expected him to...not look as good as he does? Also so upset that he broke Al's staff. How rude. He sucks.

Rosie: Not how I expected her to sound, but I'm most certainly not disappointed. I don't have much to say other than I loved literally everything about her. No complaints--at least not yet ig, need to go back and rewatch the episodes critically. Her and Alastor is everything to me, and seeing them dance was <333333 I cannot express my excitement over it enough.

Alastor: Saved him for last because yes. If I wasn't limiting myself to a short paragraph for each, I'd be writing a whole essay just about Al, I swear....CANNOT believe what just happened omg. Not only did we get to see silly Al in episode 7, but we got to see scary (and scared) Al in episode 8. He's really freaking out, it's so entertaining! I'm so glad it wasn't him who died, I started getting a bit worried for a minute there....His relationship with Rosie is aaaaa, best of besties fr. Fighting Adam scene was glorious. Making Vox act like an idiot even when not trying was funny to watch (Vox's obsession with this guy is so silly). Him retreating sure was a move, but I'm glad he didn't get all stubborn and end up dying. Him ranting a bit in his section of the final song was so...AAAAAAA. Man is so scared, he looks stressed as can be. I need to see Alastor just have an external breakdown because he honestly feels like he's on the verge of one. 💀

Stopping for now before I go on a bigger rant than I already have. To those who read all this, I'm so sorry pfft. Feel free to leave a comment if there's something you wanna discuss (or, better yet, send one of those ask thingies. I do not have comments figured out yet...)

Anyway, have a good one <3

[phoenixinthefiles]

Six?...it Only Felt Like Four

Pavitr Prabhakar x reader ❤️...🔸🔷🪻 I hope and pray I got him right @vhstown @daydreaming-en-pointe @1610milesperhour

The incessant ringing of the doorbell shakes you out of your daze.

Your homework could wait. It was only the start of the school year; one rushed assignment could be excused. Plus, now that you focused, the sound of the doorbell was a little rhythmic, which could only mean...

You were glad the only other person in the house right now was napping, no one could make fun of you for the embarrassing mad dash you made to the front door.

You yelled out that you were coming and stopped in the hallway mirror to check your appearance.

good enough.

With that, you open the door to see your boyfriend who has a smile on his face to match yours.

"Happy Valentine's Day!" He exclaims. Your brows immediately furrow, and your eyes follow his as they flicker to his hands.

He's holding a pretty blue and gold box with a ribbon so perfectly tied you know he couldn't have done it himself. It's really nice but...

"It's nowhere near Valentine's Day, that was like six months ago."

His smile doesn't falter.

"Only six months? that's close enough, nothing has really changed."

"It's summer," you deadpan.

"It feels like nothing has changed."

He says it in an airy way like it's just so obvious.

Like he hadn't been complaining about the historically low temperature when you first met this winter.

You shake your head with a small smile.

"We've been together for four months; six months is a long time."

He smiles to smirk, and you prepare yourself for what's coming next.

Here we go.

"My love, I wish us much more than six months."

You scoff incredulously. But He grins with a proud look on his face.

He's still as optimistic as the day you met him.

"Pavi."

"But six months is half a year. Half a year plus half a year is a full year, and a full year from Valentine's Day is Valentines Day.-

"Unless it's a leap year" you interject.

Pav continues as if you hadn't spoken at all, "So, it is basically Valentine's Day Eve. Which means I'm early, and it's after noon so... Happy Valentine's Day!"

He shoves the gift out towards you but instead of taking it, you blink at him dumbly.

"I don't know if I should be more concerned about the mental gymnastics you just did, or the fact that I understood you."

"Don't be concerned at all, you're just assimilating to me."

You grin, "that's concerning."

He rolls his eyes and the head tilting he does causes some of his, insanely perfect, hair to fall in front of his eyes.

Your fingers itch to smooth it back.

"Stop deflecting," he says, a knowing grin forming.

You sigh and your eyes flicker from the gift back to him.

"I didn't get you anything." Your hand reacts on your impulses and you brush back the hair from his eyes. He freezes for a moment and his shoulders rise close to his ears as he smiles warmly.

You return his smile with a far more shy one and the you two stand there, grinning like idiots, until his eyes make their way back down to the gift in his hands and he clears his throat.

"I don't believe receiving a gift is part of gift giving."

"When did you become a dictionary?" You scoff playfully.

"Deflectinggg." he responds in a sing-song voice, tilting the gift box in a taunting manner.

You sigh again and take it from him, "Are you sure?"

"Ayyōṭā, open it."

You run your fingers over the raised decorations on the box. It's a pattern of swirls that almost look like the Mehndi you'd seen Pav drawing on himself. It wasn't as unique though, it was definitely made with a pattern, but the gold brush seemed done by hand.

You squinted and tilted the box around a little.

"Did you do this?"

"The box? no. I did tie the beautiful and symmetric bow."

"Uh huh." You give him your most skeptical look.

He cracks with a roll of his eyes.

"Auntie was very willing to assist me."

"She probably wouldn't have been if she knew you would take all the credit."

"And certainly not if she knew you wouldn't open it."

You glare at him and his stupid charming smile for a minute, before giving in and carefully unwrapping the bow. Opening the lid revealed a hand painted yo-yo.

When you first met he had attempted to impress you by showing the tricks he could do on a yo-yo. It was really corny, but it still drew you in so you didn't have any room to talk.

You gasp and carefully take it out.

"Pav, it's so pretty."

He grins boyishly and his shoulders rise once more.

With the hand not holding the box, you run your fingers over the yo-yo; aimlessly tracing the designs.

"I didn't know you could paint. I mean I know you've done Mehndi but I didn't know the steady hand transferred over."

"Mehndi," He responds, mocking your pronunciation.

You roll your eyes and he laughs softly.

"Painting is easier; there's no possibility of Aadhya carrying out her threats when my hand cramps."

A giggle bubbles out of your lips, more out of nervousness than amusement, because his becomes a little too soft as he smiles at you.

His personality is so infectious, he lights up and practically glows when he smiles, and when he turns that radiance on you?

Your heart practically sings in affection.

"I'm happy you like it."

"Of course I do, it's amazing. But it might be a bit too much for someone who's only just learned walk-the-dog."

"It's a very impressive walk-the-dog. I was fooled!"

"That's not as big of a compliment as you think."

He rolls his eyes and mumbles something but you barely hear it, focusing on the yo-yo in your hands instead.

Before you can second guess yourself, you throw your arms around him.

He lets out a small squawk, but his arms immediately come to wrap around you.

It's insanely probably ridiculous to be so happy over something so seemingly inane.

But it's Pav, nothing he does is meaningless. A hand-painted yo-yo because you learned one trick?

It wasn't ridiculous when it came to him.

He's a constant positive, he's stunningly stunningly soft-hearted, and he listens to you ramble about the littlest things. As evidenced by your new gift.

He's your valentine.

Just six months too early.

[vickytaa]

Until I found you

Summery: You moved from Boston to LA, leaving your best friends behind. A normal day, you were working as always when..

Words: 2.4k

___________________☆__________________

This week has been so stressful. At work, my boss has been a dick and giving me extra hours. The people that came to the Caffè are such disrespectful with everyone, also with the people who work there, like me.

University, it's been hard, I had to stay awake a couple of nights studying for exams.

My family, fortunately, had been so mindful and helping me with everything they could from Boston.

They call me anytime they can and even text me every day just to see how I am.

I miss them so much. Being apart from them it's just so hurtful, and I am just waiting for December so I can go back home.

Xavier, my boyfriend, has been a bit distant. He knows how stressed I am, but he doesn't understand that what I want for him is to be with me now, instead of leaving me alone.

He just doesn't notice.

Monday

6:30 am

I woke up after sleeping only 2 hours because the night before I kept awake studying quimic, half dead.

I start slowly to open my eyes as I extend my arm to turn off the phone alarm.

Another spectacular day, Monday.

I sit up in bed with little effort while I try to wake me up completely.

I grabbed my cell phone to see if Xavier had sent me any messages cause, yesterday he hadn't come home.

We've been living together for a year, and every time we weren't sleeping there, we would make sure to tell the other.

'He might have forgotten,' I thought.

I get out of bed and walk to the bathroom. What will happen today?

I began to take off my clothes lazily and open the hot water for it to start getting warm, and surprisingly, there wasn't hot water.

'Great'

The day just started.

After bathing with ice water, I changed into work clothes, grabbed my keys, and got into the car.

On my way to the Caffè, 'Remember you - by dominurmom' started playing on the radio, and nostalgia hit.

I've always liked music a lot, but this song made me remember all those amazing moments with my childhood best friend, Nick.

He was the best person on earth, and time was air when I was with him. The laughs were natural, and the holidays with him and his brothers were unforgettable.

I haven't seen him for years, but I knew that if we saw each other again, It would be like before.

I didn't remember why we distanced ourselves because we were inseparable, but the distance killed when it's about relationships.

Leaving him to come to LA was the hardest decision of my life because he wasn't part of my life. He was my life.

When I left, I cried a whole month non-stop. My heart hurt every time it beat.

But it was the best for my future, or that's what I thought.

That song made me remember him because we used to love singing it every time we went camping with his brothers.

I missed them.

And I knew it, my body felt it too, my eyes started to fill with happy tears while I remembered us together laughing.

When I arrived, I didn't know whether to get out of the car. Is this what I always wanted?

I shaked my head to remove that thought of my mind and keep going.

4:25 pm

I was finishing my turn when I started taking someone's order.

"Good evening. What would you like to get today?" I repeated for the 53rd time in the day.

"Our friendship back"

I was shocked, I thought he might have confused me with an old friend, but when I looked up to see who it was, there he was, Nick Sturniolo. My best friend from infancy. A huge smile appeared on his face while our connected eyes started to fill up with tears.

The only thing I did was run into his arms and hug him.

It was like having that part of me that was missing again. A void is now filled.

"Oh my god, where have you been? I've missed you a lot, " I said, super excited. "I've been living for a couple of months here with my brothers, we moved to LA"

"Ohh, that's great, and what about your dream about being youtubers?" I asked.

I already knew that they started a while ago making videos, but I never had the courage to search them, I couldn't look at them after leaving them alone.

"It's fantastic, we already hit 6 million subscribers," He said happily.

"What? That incredible!" I stopped just to take a breath,

"It's a cute surprise to see you around. It's been years." I said while smiling from end to end.

When my turn finished, I went out to accompany Nick to his house, just to get to know it, and also to greet his brothers.

I enjoyed the journey as if it were something I had been waiting for for years, singing our favorite songs again in the car, at full volume with Nick.

When we arrived I couldn't stop laughing, we had been remembering hundreds of memories together.

As I entered the house, I saw Chris and Matt sitting on the sofa. A big smile formed in their faces. They couldn’t believe it; they haven’t seen me in years.

I opened my arms as they ran towards me. I hugged them while I laughed of their faces.

While I was trying to get away a bit to take a breath, I said: “you should have seen your faces”

“This was an unexpected surprise” Matt said, still without letting me go.

“Yes, but the best one” Chris added.

When they let me go, they both looked at me, and I smiled until my cheeks started to hurt.

After a while, we started chatting about our life nowadays, but suddenly I saw it. My most favorite board game was kept on the shelf.

“And do you remember when our math teacher told us to - “Chris was telling us when I interrupted him “Oh my god, I can’t believe it! This is our Monopoly game” I screamed with excitement.

I turned around to see Nick smiling at me. He knew that was my favorite game, and he had saved it all these years.

“Its... it’s the real one? Like, ours?” I asked while little tears of emotion were forming in my eyes.

Nick nodded with his head.

I ran to grab it and started opening it to play while the guys were sitting on the couch around the coffee table.

The three of them were staring at me while I was jumping with excitement.

It was a game that transported me years back when we used to stay up all night playing it.

We played for hours until we finished, and I obviously won, I’ve always been the best one, even when we were kids.

When I noticed the time, I saw it was a bit late, so I said goodnight to the boys, and Matt decided to walk me to the door.

In an attempt to break the silence, Matt said “Hey... uhm.. do you remember our first kiss?”. That was unexpected.

Yes, I remembered it. Every time I saw Xavier or felt his lips on mine ones, all I could think of was Matt.

A day before my departure, Matt and I, 13 years old child, lost in each other’s gaze, without knowing what it meant. Looking at each other, he came closer and let fall his sweet lips on mine with unforgettable delicacy and softness.

Our first and only kiss.

It was magic, like a promise, like a ' I don’t want you to go'.

I saw his blue eyes as I approached the door. A pain began to arise in my chest, I wanted to feel the magic again, but Xavier was waiting for me at home.

“I will tell my boyfriend that I got back together with you again, have driven him crazy with so many stories about you” I said. I knew it hurt him to hear the word *Boyfriend* but it was the harsh truth.

His head looked down but came back to look at me “Goodnight, Y/n” Matt said. “Goodnight Matt” I said and smiled at him. I didn’t want to go, really, but it was what I must do.

Our eyes didn’t let go for about 2 minutes until I decided to turn around and start my way home.

I could feel his gaze on me. Taking the blame, I sat on the car, and when I turned my head to look at him again, he was already gone. The door was closed. I understood him, and immediately I left.

When I arrived home, all that I wanted was to lay in bed and sleep, but clearly that’s not what happened.

I opened the door, and the first thing I saw was Xavier standing in the kitchen. He looked like he had been waiting for a long time.

“Where have you been, I’ve been waiting for ages” His tone assured me that he had drunk a lot.

“With some old friends” I said, clearly upset.

I saw him with challenging eyes. His lips parted, but before he could start whining, I asked, “Where were you last night?". He looked at me and shut his mouth with anger.

Ours was not enough, and we both knew it, but none of us wanted to take charge and broke up with the other.

“With my friend Jess. Much more pretty and friendly than you” he said.

I couldn’t believe him.

“Oh, yes?” I asked. He nodded, and I asked again. “So why are you with me and not with her now?”

“Because I wanted to come here to end up with you. Our relationship was over a long time ago. We don’t have the same connection as in the beginning. You are helpless on housework, and you are not as pretty as before. You were careless about your body.”

Wow, I didn’t see that one coming.

His last words echoed over and over in my head as I tried to stay upright.

“She is always pretty for me; she always makes everything for me to feel good.”

I looked at him dead in the eyes while trying to understand his words.

The air that kept me alive began to get stuck in my throat. A knot of fury and disappointment began to form in my belly.

“And I don’t want you to be mad just that you really need to make yourself pretty again. Like when you used to do it.”

How could he be so rude and careless?

My legs started to wobble. Since I was a teenager, I have dealt with all kinds of anxiety attacks but none as strong as this one.

The only thing I could think of was to escape from there or stay, and he leaves from there.

I needed to say something, I was frozen, but the only thing I said was “Go away”

He knew what he said hurt me, and seeing how much he hurt me or just a part hurt him too, but it was the truth.

He looked at me and started walking in my direction, like he was going to hug me or something. When he was standing next to me, I could smell his stinky alcohol breath. He looked up and down and made his way to the door.

A deep silence invaded the walls of my apartment. My heart beat with pain.

Despite this, I would no longer have to deal with Xavier every time he came home drunk.

I was speechless.

I sat on the couch trying to calm down my tears, but it was impossible, my hands were shaking as I try to catch my breath.

Why me?

I knew I wasn’t the best girlfriend, nor the most pretty, but why did he say it like that? Couldn’t he be more mindful and calmer?

Tying to calm down, filing repeatedly.

I felt useless.

The main thing on my head were his last words replaying over and over.

3:44 am

I knocked the door a few times, without waiting for an answer.

I waited for a couple of minutes before turning around to go back to the car when suddenly I hear the door open.

“Y/n? What are you doing here at- “Matt stopped talking as he saw my red eyes because of how much I cried the last few hours.

He moved a little to let me in, and as I walked inside, he squeezed my shoulder trying to get me comfortable.

“How do you feel?” He asked. A simple question that Xavier never asked me before, he never cared, and I didn’t see it.

“Xavier broke up with me. He said I haven’t worked on my body because I was to focus on other things. I am not as pretty as I used to be” While tears came down through my cheeks.

“And you believe him” It wasn’t a question; it was more of an affirmation. And he was right, I believed Xavier.

My eyes went to the floor, I couldn’t deny it.

“You know, when I was a child, I used to believe that I wouldn’t see the most beautiful girl in the world because she would be a top model from Europe, and that was until I found you” Matt confessed.

When I crossed our gazes again, they were filled with an inexplicable shine.

Our click.

“And since our first kiss, you haven’t left my mind” He added.

“You neither mine” I said.

He placed his forehead against mine and he wrap my face with his big hands, without stopping looking me straight in the eyes.

It was just the two of us, no one else.

We both felt like waiting years for this moment to repeat, but now with knew information of what it was. Love.

The magic we felt when we were teenagers revived.

His lips softly placed on mines.

☆☆☆

Dear diary:

It’s been a couple of months since Matt and I kissed again after our first kiss. Nowadays we are together and very, very happy.

I love him with everything I am, and I am deeply in love with him since I met him, because without knowing, he is the only one who takes my breath away every time he is nearby.

I will stick some pics of him to remember.

___________________☆__________________

Heeyyyy, did you like it??

:)))

[sparrowrye]

Demi Demon || Alastor x Reader, A2 part 11

Synopsis: It’s been over a year since we were brought under Alastor’s watchful eye. We’ve unlocked our Demonic powers, discovered our own talents, and began building the Safe Haven with Charlie and co. Alastor seems increasingly interested in the power we hold as one and intends to use it properly.

Previous part

Part 11: whistling

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spencer tried not to swallow for fear of his throat brushing against the razor sharp knife a hair from his skin. The magic headband had been strapped tightly to his head, preventing any and all use of his magic. His hands were tied painfully behind the chair he was sitting on. His guard lay unconscious by the door.

"Where is the Haven?" one of the Humans demanded. There were three of them, two standing in front of him and the other behind his back holding the knife to his throat.

"I-I don't know. I wasn't allowed to know." He didn't know where or who to look at.

"Bullshit. We've seen the photos on your papers."

"Those were given to me. I wasn't allowed in the Haven, I swear." He felt the knife press harder against his neck and a trickle of blood fell.

"Can we use it boss?" the one man asked. He was the smaller of the three and wore a flat hat similar to Spencer's. The man standing beside him nodded, finally telling Spencer who was in charge.

"Use what?" Spencer asked nervously. Alastor where are you?

The man didn't answer. He let his lackey put a heavy suitcase next to him. He withdrew a metal device with wires connected to it. Reaching behind, Spencer let out a cry when something sharp stabbed his wrist. The man turned on a switch on the case.

Spencer instantly knew what was happening. His body tingled and he started to feel lightheaded as his blood was sucked out by the machine. His head lulled back against the chair.

"Where's the Haven?" someone asked him again.

"Don't know coordinates," Spencer mumbled.

"Describe the surrounding area."

Spencer tried to keep quiet but he couldn't stop himself. "Ocean. Forest."

"Good job. What about the-"

The room went dark. The men started yelling at each other trying to decipher what had happened. Meanwhile, I turned off the switch and sliced the wires. I pulled the headband off Spencer and lifted him up by his arm, dragging him to the door before lifting the shadows.

The men stared at the empty seat before looking around. They went still when they saw us standing at the entrance. I had a tight grip on Spencer's shoulder to keep him upright against me. My Demon side was showing and I let my lips curl into a smile.

"I don't appreciate you interrogating my friend," I said in a sweet voice. The headman pulled out a whistle and blew. My ears pinned to my head and I fell against the doorway. The noise pierced my eardrums, my hands desperately trying to protect them. The noise didn't last long but it left a horrible ringing in my head.

The window shattered as a green vine wrapped around my ankle and yanked me out into the night. I skidded on my back and rolled over, sliding to a stop on the other side of the street. I looked up to find a woman with her arms raised and various vines coming out of her back.

Fuck.

I hated fighting women. They were more vicious and faster than men who wanted to brute force their way through things.

The woman wore layers of browns and creams and I could see moss and other plants running along her limbs. She almost looked infected rather than a willing host. I noticed a lack of horns atop her head, a marking for all Demons. Perhaps they were just very small.

She casted a vine at me and I rolled out of the way. I threw fire and wind to singe the plant, two more replacing it immediately. I fell into the small version of my Dragon form and ran along the street. I jumped and weaved through her vines, noticing very quickly that they all had thorns on them.

I casted wind as I jumped through and ducked under them. I slid out from under the mess and turned to admire my handiwork. I had managed to tangle most of them in a knotted mess. She was trying to untangle her vines when I noticed something on her back. It was some kind of strange backpack. Wires ran from it directly into the back of her arms.

She threw her vines in my direction, nearly throwing me off my feet. I opened the ground beneath her and closed it around her body. I imagined my invisible hand pinning the vines to the ground. She let out a yell as she tried to pull herself out of the hole.

I went back to the window to find Spencer. He was slumped against the wall and the men were nowhere in sight, their machine with them. Spencer was breathing which meant he was alive. I could feel his soul still anchored tightly to his body.

I turned back to the woman. I knelt down to examine the backpack. "What is this?"

"Fuck off!" she snapped. She was about my age, maybe a year or two younger.

"Where did you get this?"

She responded the same way as the first. I laid a heavy hand on her shoulder to stop her from moving so much. The backpack was made of metal and clearly had electricity running through it. On the top, engraved in a gold plate, was the name: Blackwater.

It felt familiar but I couldn't pinpoint from where. My thoughts were rudely interrupted by another high pitched whistle. I covered both ears this time, pressing my forehead into the cold stone. It wouldn't stop. My body started to vibrate and I let out a yell as the sound punctured something and grew only louder.

Then it abruptly cut off. My vision was blurry as I looked around the empty street. I looked to the woman and saw the hole where she had been empty. She had gotten away. There was no movement anywhere on the street, even when my vision cleared. I had lost her.

I eased the horrible headache and the throbbing pain in my ears with magic before attempting to stand. I went to find Spencer more awake. He was massaging his wrist where a piece of cloth had been wrapped around.

"Thank you," he said as I stepped around the broken glass.

"I'm sorry I wasn't here sooner," I apologized, holding a hand out to him. I helped him up as he took in the sight of his office. His little shop had been torn apart, papers and books everywhere and ink splattered all over the wood floor.

"It's alright. I knew this would happen." His small shoulders sagged with the sigh he let out.

"Why don't you come back with me? At least for tonight."

He nodded, his cartoon eyes looking around his distorted room once more. The fact that he didn't argue against the offer told me he had been dealing with a lot more than I first thought. I wrapped an arm around his shoulders and grabbed the guard's wrist. Charlie teleported us all back and found an empty bed for Spencer. She and I talked briefly about moving him permanently to the Haven.

Back at the house, I found Alastor waiting in the hallway to our bedrooms, arms folded behind his back and cane sticking out from behind one shoulder. "Thank you for taking care of Spencer," he said. I had heard Spencer was in danger through one of the many radios in Alastor's room. He had been nowhere near the house so I went to save the poor man before we lost a big asset.

"Sure." I rubbed my eyes. "Do you know what Blackwater is?"

He tilted his head to the side. "In what context?"

"I saw it on a contraption one of the people were wearing. It was on a metal plate on some weird metal backpack."

He continued to stare at me, lost in thought. For once, I wasn't incredibly bothered by it. I had gotten used to his crimson red eyes always watching me. "I don't believe I recognize it. Sounds as though its a manufacture name."

"Probably."

I moved to grab my door handle but he suddenly appeared an inch from my face. "Your ears are bleeding."

I took a step back and reached up to feel the nearly dried blood dripping down the side of my head. I looked at my blood on my fingers, darker because of my black, scaly skin. He moved to touch my wrist but hesitated, drawing it back a moment later.

"It must've happened when they blew the whistle."

"The whistle?" he inquired, straightening up.

"Yeah. One of the men had a small whistle but it was really loud. I think only I was able to hear it because the woman I was fighting got away when I heard it." I touched the other ear to find more blood on that side too.

Alastor offered his hand in front of me. "May I?"

"May you what?" I turned to face him completely.

"May I heal your ears?"

"Oh...uh..." I could heal my own ears but maybe he was looking for an excuse to touch my blood. It would be better for him to do it this way then to do...the thing...like last time. "Sure."

He held his cane in the crook of his arm and brought both hands up to the side of my face. His palms were cold as they pressed gently around my ears, gradually warming as his magic melted into my skin. He didn't invade my shields, sitting comfortably just a hair away and soaking in our shared energy. I almost wanted him to pass through my shields out of sheer habit.

My ears made a funny pop and it felt like a blanket had been lifted from them. I could hear everything, even the creak of the house's wood from the wind. My ears tried moving against his hands as the sound of magic slowly faded away. I hadn't realized how much I couldn't hear until he had fixed them.

"There," he said with a raise of his voice at the end, "that should feel much better!" He lowered his hands but didn't step away from me. I rubbed my fingers in front of my ears and smiled when I could hear my skin rubbing together.

"Thanks." I noticed his teeth had disappeared to show his gentle smile.

"Of course.  Will I be seeing you tomorrow afternoon for another session?"

"Oh, yeah."

"Good. Sleep well," he nodded his head to me. He swiftly turned around and took two steps to enter his room. I noticed the outline of our thread again. I was about to walk into my room when I heard his radio turn on.

I lingered in the hallway, newly healed ears twitching at the sound of the introduction tunes. I didn't have to wait long for the lyrics to start and when they did, he began to sing. I leaned against the wall and closed my eyes, falling into a trance like state.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Author's Note:

Y'all better get ready. The next chapter is a doozy.

[mrs-monaghan]

i saw you mention it briefly in a previous post and wondered if you happen to have any examples of jimin acting jealous related to jk

i can’t think of even one instance of it happening jimin has such a good poker face

Finally!! Getting to this ask. Sorry i kept you waiting my dear. Lets get to it.

Disclaimer: My word is not law. I can only point out what I picked up. Its up to you to form your own opinions. You don't have to see what I see 😘

To start us off would be the most recent.

Army: I'm Taehyung's wife

Jimin: Hello Taehyung's wife

Army: Hi, I'm Jhope's wife

Jimin: Hello Jhope's wife.

Army: Hi, I'm Jungkook's wife.

Jimin:

Mans really said "no the fuck you're not. You can call yourself JK's wife but I'm the one who knows what he's doing not you." 😂😂😂 No, but this was funny.

Next we're gonna talk about HOME. But before we do that. Let's understand something. Jikook have these exclusive things they do to/for eo and they prefer if it stays that way. A good example would be Jimin touching JK's chin. It's a Jikook thing or rather used to be, because sometimes in the past u would catch Jimin side eyeing another member when they did it. He's always done it from the beginning and other members started doing it too. But I think Jimin is over it now. Doesn't care anymore. But it did used to bother him. Another example would be the boxing. It's a Jikook thing and they (mostly JK) prefers it that way. We've seen him refuse to play box with V. I even touched on him debunking V here when V said they box together. It's a Jikook thing. Alright? Which brings us to HOME.

As we all know there is that one part where Jikook usually sing to each other during HOME.

My favourite is this one 🥺🥺

If you don't believe it's a Jikook thing, look at how JK reacted when Jimin sang to Army instead of singing to him. Here is an even better angle. He wasn't impressed. He was looking forward to it, only for Jimin to sing to Army 🤭

All duos have designated moments during songs. Here is angry Jin pulling Jimin away from a Taejin moment. (Sorry if u can't access tiktok. Tumblr only allows one video at a time) So this theory is not too far fetched.

Okay now let's get to the Jimin being annoyed part. Not jealous, annoyed. Its important we differentiate these 2 words. He wasn't jealous of V...he was just annoyed that it happened.

Okay. So first lets look at the Jikook moment. Which i love.

And then we look at the Taekook moment.

Why does V always look at members like they're a 5 course meal he's 2 seconds away from devouring? Damn. Anyway, I'd tell you to watch Jimin but that's not the best angle. You see his reaction better from the Jimin fancam.

Yeah... he wasn't impressed either.

Next we're gonna go back to Army proposing to JK. The infamous "Jungkook marry me" I bet JK regretted bringing that up the moment he started getting grilled. Mans really got the 3rd degree 😂😂 And you can see the exact moment Jimin was like; wtf I'm i doing?

Right before leaving to go off camera, looking all embarrassed. That shit was hysterical. Really 😂😂

Next we have JK calling RM sexy.

Jimin rubbing his face like that read to me like "this again?" And I wouldn't have thought anything of it but then he went and repeated the word "sexy" when JK said it which had me 🤔🤔🤔

Next we have this Run Bts episode. I will share Cameron's dubbed version because why not? 😂😂😂😂 JK even tried to make Jimin feel better. Yes, he was doing his mission but why not kill 2 birds with one stone?

Then we have the Busan concert. He wasn't jealous. He wasn't even annoyed. But he was watching them. He took notice. Jimin does it often when it comes to Tkk. He doesn't react, but he pays attention. Idk how to explain it. But he watches them, if that makes sense.

Next one is actually quite popular anon. I'm surprised you've never seen people talk about it. Again I will share the dubbed version because I play too much.

Aaah. Fine. Here is the original for the boring people 🙄 Watch Jimin's face when JK smiles at him. Then JK immediately lets go of V. Though he does it again, coz he can be a brat sometimes. But y'all get it.

These two Jinkook and Yoonkook moments are not even up for debate. It's pretty freaking clear. And yes. I will use the word jealousy for these ones.

This one is heartbreaking. I prefer when Jimin is angry. I do not like him sad. It's just... 😭😭😭

This one too. My heart breaks every single time.😪😪😪

You can watch this entire compilation if u feel like it. I find it mostly accurate. (Mostly. Not all) But watch this part. Jimin is watching Namkook on the viewfinder. Did you see him look away as soon as JK looked up? Why? Hmmm 🤭🤭

Now this one he was not just bothered but actually got angry. Like fucking pissed.

Thanks @astutejiminie for coming through. This video is absolute gold. They start reacting at 36:24. It's where it all starts unfolding.

(Keep an eye on Jimin touching his nose. That's usually a sign with him)

So we have V caressing JK's hair for a long ass time. And we have Jimin hating it. We hear him clear his throat abnoxiously at some point which is when JK notices and tries to like sit up and pull away from V. But as usual V doesn't get the memo and continues to touch. Eventually when they finish, Jimin stands up so aggressively that his chair flies back and then storms off before they have even wrapped up. Idk what it was about this day but Jimin got proper angry about the touching.

Another time Jimin didn't like V touching JK was during this live. He even banged his cup on the floor.

I recommend this analysis of that Dynamite BB hot 100 live/JK's birthday and what was really going on with JK staring at Jimin. Jimin had an issue with all the skinship on this day. That analysis does a good job of explaining why. Give it a go.

This here anon, is what I call the Holy grail. Jimin wanted to kill this army. Well, that's an exaggeration but still, if looks could kill, this Army would have gone up in smoke. So this girl goes to JK and calls his name in this cutesy tone. And watch Jimin. That, is some scary shit right there. 👀 I'd have ran and never come back 🙈

Damn this post got long and these aren't even all of them. I am too hungry to go get this link. So I will describe this moment and u see if it rings a bell or u can go search for it. Run BTS Canada. Jin sits next to JK and Jimin makes him move. He was like "That's my chair" and Jin immediately took off.

This cute winter package moment where Jimin slots himself between Jinkook. I don't think this is part of the list. I just like that moment 🤭🤭🤭

I gotta go eat. So this is all I have for now. Cheers! 🥂🥂

[sleepysuburb]

Top 5 voices/accents by each of them? :3

ohh YES voices/accents are a huge thing for me in terms of how much I enjoy a character! Again, in no particular order:

REECE

Henry (Zanzibar). I'm a sucker for a cockney accent and he's just SO nasally, it suits his treacherous, slimy character so well. I have to wonder exactly how much Shakespeare Reece has done/studied, because the iambic pentameter flows so beautifully from him and he's able to include the almost sing-song, peak-and-trough quality of it without making it sound too structured or unnatural.

Judee Levinson. an underrated bit of vocal acting, I feel; she's breathy and feminine and fairly posh, and then occasionally you get these great vocal slips where her voice deepens and roughens and suddenly you can see through that fake exterior, just for a second (I'm specifically thinking about "it'd look like a white filling in a mouth full of rotten teeth.")

Damon (Mulberry Close). right. I've seen multiple people saying he has a west country accent, a couple saying he sounds scouse or brummie... I'll be honest, I've watched and rewatched this ep trying to figure it out and I hear summat different every time. He's in this ranking because I love an ambiguous accent, a deepened pitch, and that scene where he's kicking off at the neighbours ("she's up my arse, second shelf on the right!")

Bernice Woodall. Another accent I couldn't figure out for a while; I thought she was Welsh lmao. I know its mainly to do with the fake teeth but the hissing lisp she has is so perfect, and her voice is so versatile. With just a slight change in tone and emphasis it goes from approachable maternal woman of God to evil sadistic bitch, and I loveee it.

Brian Macmillan (Psychoville). Brian's on most of these rankings because he's really something special. His accent.... I know it's supposed to be Scottish (when I told my Scottish partner this she was uh. Confused) but its like he's forcing a transatlantic accent AND RP at the same time alongside it - I don't know if it's intentional on reece's part but its bloody good. he's a thespian, of course he has to sound refined and above his station (in a very transparent way), and the clutter of accents and dialects reflects his maximalist personality.

STEVE

David Sowerbutts (Psychoville) EDIT because I forgot to add analysis here. I don't have much, I'll be honest; I just love David and his voice is so fitting. Quietly threatening and ominous but childlike and innocent at the same time. I also want to mention Death Be Not Proud and how Steve matured his voice and speech patterns slightly to show David's age and life experience post-Maureen.

Pop (TLoG). There's something to be said for a voice that gave me nightmares as a child and elicited the flight response whenever my dad imitated it. Watching now though, rather than just being blind terrified, I can appreciate how fucking funny Steve's vocals are in their intensity. It's like he said, paraphrased - Pop is brute violence combined with sappy sentimentality, and his voice reflects that.

Pauline. How could I rank voices and not mention Pauline. She's iconic. He embodies the bleach-harsh voice of a restart officer in such a way that she can sound almost reasonable - though maybe a bit authoritarian - and switch in seconds to snarling and screaming and unnecessary cruelty. The growl in her voice when she gets angry!! And then the lightening, pitching up and trembly quality to make her sound instantly more vulnerable... god. Fuck off

Ally Welles. I don't have much to say here but Henry and Ally (though to me, specifically Ally) have some of the most distinct, effective voices of any Pembersmith character. I think we've all met someone like them before, and they likely sounded the same too. The phrase "How many killingth" will echo through the annals of time lmao.

Squires (Riddle of the Sphinx). Again, a really versatile voice. He starts off sounding so intelligent and cultured, but still approachable, kind, gentlemanly - and then when the first twist hits, without changing a thing he suddenly starts to sound very, very sinister and sleazy ("I always found it quite sexy..." ugh. *shudders*)

[nalyra-dreaming]

All your anons that think they've ruined Lestat in s1.. :) The fact we've got the romance there at all is a miracle, lol. I haven't felt any when I was rereading it a year ago. Even that longing after they've "killed" him didn't help matters. Louis just straight up hides what they relationship looked like during the New Orleans years. He only talks about what he had with Claudia and opens up about Lestat exclusively when he's the worst. It's dry as a desert. And then he sings heartfelt songs about Armand. The contrast couldn't be more contrasting. Imo, Louis's pov (and that's exactly what we're getting here) suggests that Lestat was an obnoxious nuisance at best and Armand - the great love he had before Claudia's death. If not the first as a vampire. I'm sorry, that's just how iwtv is. And all of it tracks. "The love of my life." etc.

Sam just loves Lestat's fully fledged version that comes later, as we all do. It's no brainer why playing this ugly fraction of him would pain him. But it's not the time yet. Assad had to sit it out for a season. In a way, Sam is doing it for two.

You know, it’s funny, because I watched this video of Assad just earlier, where he talks about what it was like for Armand to finally be himself:

But I think it's not just Sam and Lestat here. I think all the characters in the show are an elevated version of themselves, and they are presented in a certain way right now, for reasons.

But the show is quite obviously building on the later characters already, and I mean, Rolin did spell that out already as well. Lestat in Dubai will be much, much closer to the Prince Lestat arc, just as Louis is not the same as he was in New Orleans. And Armand in Dubai has already loved Daniel, and his past in Paris will show us a very different character there, too.

We have seen facets, so far.

Specific, very deliberate facets. There's always some truth to the tale, but we know, we KNOW that the tale is not the whole truth, has been tinkered with, has been told for a reason, and has been forgotten (in parts at the very least). All that we know already.

And we also know that we will not yet get Lestat's POV, but Armand's!

And I mean... isn't that a cool thing to have as well?! Like, can you imagine, after season 3, when we will likely have all these different views on things, and then... then it will all come together?

I for one am very much looking forward to it all.

The fans who are determined to see Lestat (or Armand, or Louis, or whoever(!)) as one-dimensional whatevers will not enjoy what's to come. Because these characters have sharp edges, and the narrative will cut us all to the core.

Because...

Evil... is a point of view.