#we're only halfway into the first season so they have time to mess it up but I kinda doubt they will

[tmae3114]

I cannot believe that the lego show about colour-coded ninjas who fight by spinning really fast is the source of pretty much the best next gen story I've seen in years

[chaifootsteps]

does the 'we're only halfway through' squad realize that half of a show is more than enough time to expect actual character development to happen? because it hasn't and I suspect it won't, because Viv is terrible at actually making character changes stick

Blitzo - he's fared the best of everyone but it's still not much to look at - he's still an impulsive jerk who's mean to Moxxie. He's decided to stop butting in on M&M not because he respects either of their boundaries more now but because he's pining for Stolas for no adequately explained reason. His relationship with Loona hasn't changed, he's still a bit overbearing and overprotective. He's made up with Fizz but it doesn't really feel like he's changed meaningfully to become a person who wouldn't make the same mistake again because the first mistake was just an accident he couldn't have foreseen. Regressed in some ways because Stolas has totally wrecked his confidence and made him behave out of character by making Loona, his beloved daughter, burn taxidermy owls and neglected to pay his employees i.e. hurt the people who should matter to pine over his abuser.

On his end he's treated rephrensibly by the people who are supposed to love him - Stolas obviously, but also treated poorly by Fizz, M&M and Loona as not one of them think how Stolas treated him is messed up. IMP in particular are actively aware of Stolas being the meal ticket and assume it's fine to pimp out their boss since he's not complaining about it?

Moxxie - learns he needs to be confident in his own skills. Repeatedly. Occasionally calls Blitzo by first name but still uses 'sir' often, so he hasn't really changed there. No relationship to speak of with Loona. Mostly happy together with Millie

Millie - her only plots are helping the men get their shit together. Stopped calling Loona hellhound for no explained reason

Loona - made a friend in Tex, kind of. No change in most of her relationships with the cast because she barely has one

Via - repeating the same 'why does dad keep neglecting me' arc until she cuts him off, at which point he'll probably win her back in five minutes (then go right back to ignoring her)

Stolas - developed to learn the deal was wrong but not really since he's ending it principally because Blitzo wouldn't date him at the same time as Stolas was sexually extorting him. Still treats Blitzo like an object whose feelings inconvenience him. Still neglects his daughter. Learnt to stand up to Stella out of nowhere, so there's that I guess. Regressed harder than anyone else in terms of development since he's incapable of ever admitting when he's done wrong - it's not cheating since he says so, and gives lip service to the idea he's hurt Blitzo before being Shocked and Appalled whenever Blitzo confirms outright 'you hurt me'. Still talks down to imps. Has yet to acknowledge any of the members of IMP by name or show gratitude for them saving his life. A waste of flesh and screentime

Fizz - changed from a chaotic sassy king to a scared abused woobie. Managed to get free of Mammon in the space of one episode. Made up with Blitzo. Feels bad about not being equal to Ozzie but we're going to sweep that under the rug since classism storylines are a problem for making stol1tz happen

Striker - went from a legitimately scary antagonist who had a point, tempted Blitzo with great chemistry to a laughing stock who not only always loses but is called a supremacist despite only having ever pointed out the rich have all the power and mistreat the poor (a thing the show has proven him right about time and again). Goes from smooth seductor to joke with a hygiene problem

like, we can admit this is a tiny amount of development for two whole seasons and 50% of the entire show, right?

You can really tell the people in this fandom who actually watch other forms of media from the ones who don't, and by that I mean "haters expecting everything to be revealed in episode one." Shows don't reveal or even necessarily plan everything from day one, but I can't think of another cartoon that wobbles around as much as HB does.

[howtobecomeadragon]

here's what mlvn's say about their ship and what they want from s5 when they're not feeling defensive about byler:

(these are from a reddit post posted about a month ago with no byler interactions, and these are many of the same people claiming that mlvn is perfect, there are no big issues, etc when byler is brought up as an alternative ship. all of these comments have upvotes and no arguing. they were all on the same page with no defensiveness about the perceived shortcomings of the relationship and wishing for better for mlvn in s5.)

many acknowledgments that the ship has been sidelined

acknowledgment that El does NOT compliment Mike. acknowledgment that Mike's self esteem is tied to El, although there is no awareness that this not a good thing. they want to see El supporting Mike in some way, which means they know we're currently missing this. they want to see just 20+ seconds of Mike and El enjoying each other's company. "more than 20 seconds" bc the show does this with other couples but they're still waiting to see that with mlvn. 🤨🤨 "it's only fair." ooookay, and who always says shit about fan service?

acknowledgment that mlvn as a couple has sucked for the last two seasons, for half the show, for the entire time that they've officially been a couple. always going back to the romantic moment of "El fell into his arms in the sauna test" which was not a scripted moment, MBB literally collapsed and Finn caught her. always going back to El being protective, i.e. making sure he doesn't die, which she does for everyone in these scenes.

this was a really interesting one bc I think a lot of bylers think that mlvns want to see improvement from Mike’s behavior in the relationship, but most were more focused on El needing to do more.

"she hasn't demonstrated concern and empathy so much for Mike in the last two seasons" 🤨 then why do you ship it 🤔

"I don't doubt how much El adores and care for Mike but she needs to show it better/more" 🤔🤔 ohhhhh okay, so you have decided that El adores Mike and are frustrated that this isn't reflected well in El's behavior since they've been a couple. you made up your mind probably in 2016 and are frustrated by the lack of follow-up and progression in their relationship since 2017. gotcha. 😇😇

mlvn's blame the writing for El appearing to have inconsistent motivations and characterization bc she isn't a perfect girlfriend to Mike that doesn't act like she's head over heels. hmmm. 🤔

someone seems to be about halfway there in realizing that maybe with her lack of a good foundation of socialization when she entered into a romantic relationship, she doesn't have the standard emotional growth, but not quite extending that as far as "maybe she should grow a little on her own first." reminder that when a byler says something like this, they're accused of ableism and "disregarding what El wants"

acknowledgment that we have not gotten to see mlvn functioning as a couple and that we don't know HOW they function. we don't know their bf/gf dynamics. after 4 seasons. mlvns are often stating to bylers that their endgame ship is already set, all that's left is a happy ending, but in reality they are still hoping to see how their ship functions as a couple, to see one half of the ship compliment the other half. they don't doubt that they are endgame, but they're crossing their fingers for just bare minimum coupley interactions, while all the other established couples get those. I wonder why 🤨🤨

acknowledgment that the duffers haven't been interested in portraying mlvn as a perfect couple: "flakey history"

claims that El was more mature in s1 than s3 and s4. WILD coming from mlvns that call bylers sexist. "more mature" bc she seemed to like Mike more. El not acting like a perfect girlfriend to Mike is bad writing and a total mess apparently. totallllly not purposeful at all, nope 🙄

more acknowledgment that El hasn't been a great girlfriend to Mike. some overlapping reasons with bylers (she's not complimenting Mike, she never apologizes), some not (the root of this is bc she takes on too much responsibility for everyone's safety...?).

acknowledgment that the way mlvn is functioning now is NOT a 2 way functioning relationship and that El is NOT meeting Mike's emotional needs. no acknowledgment of who does meet Mike's emotional need, though. 😏

acknowledgment that their relationship thus far has been bogged down with "unnecessary" arguments and drama

acknowledgment that they don't really discuss their feelings now and there is air that still needs to be cleared

acknowledgment that the writing is good otherwise in the show but for soooome reason it lacks when it specifically focuses on mlvn's relationship. 🤨🤨 again, still hoping for those scraps of "how do these two even play off each other" in the final season and the third season of mlvn together as an official couple.

all of this to say really: the super aggressive mlvns on reddit, for the most part, know that they're exaggerating the idyllic nature of mlvn's relationship when they're arguing against bylers. they thought mlvn was really cute in s1 and s2 and have been waiting 6 years since 2017 for their relationship to be cute again, and they're frustrated and just wanting the bare minimum in s5.

they're still waiting for the basics about "cute moments that last more than 20 seconds," they're still waiting to see how they function as a couple despite them dating for 2 seasons now. they're still waiting for El to act like a good girlfriend and not just a "superhero."

[beanghostprincess]

Zolu as Taylor Swift lyrics

"All these people think love's for show, but I would die for you in secret." — peace

This is literally Zoro in Thriller Bark willing to die and keeping it a secret from everybody. I want to throw up. They make me mentally ill.

"Your love is a secret I'm hoping, dreaming, dying to keep. Change my priorities. The taste of your lips is my idea of luxury. [...] Is this the end of all the endings? My broken bones are mending with all these nights we're spending. Up on the roof with a schoolgirl crush, drinking beer out of plastic cups. Say you fancy me, not fancy stuff. Baby, all at once, this is enough. And all at once, you are the one I have been waiting for. King of my heart, body and soul." — King Of My Heart

King Of My Heart is so Zolu coded, not only because of, y'know, Luffy being literally the King of Zoro's heart, but because of the devotion and the feeling that nobody else compares to Luffy. Also, the feeling of young love and possessiveness between them is so good with this song.

"And I'm highly suspicious that everyone who sees you wants you. I've loved you three summers now, honey, but I want 'em all." — Lover

Zoro is in love with the future king of the pirates. Everybody wants Luffy. Of course Zoro is going to be jealous.

"Wherever you stray I follow. I'm begging for you to take my hand, wreck my plans, that's my man. You know that my train could take you home, anywhere else is hollow. [...] Wait for the signal and I'll meet you after dark. Show me the places where the others gave you scars." — willow

The devotion. Zoro willing to follow Luffy to hell. Luffy wanting to know Zoro better, deeper. Knowing every detail about his scars and dreams. I'm going insane.

"And if I'm gonna be drunk, might as well be drunk in love. [...] Everyone wants him, that was my crime." — Slut!

Ah yes, being possessive and an alcoholic. Zoro's best character traits.

"'Cause I don't know how it gets better than this. You take my hand and drag me head first, fearless." — Fearless

This is very early Zolu but honestly could just be them being silly and Zoro following Luffy's silly and impulsive shenanigans.

"My thoughts will echo your name, until I see you again. These are the words I held back, as I was leaving too soon: I was enchanted to meet you... Please don't be in love with someone else... Please don't have somebody waiting on you." — Enchanted

Sabaody angst haunts me at night.

"You made a mess of me. I pictured you with other girls in love, then threw up on the street. [...] Oh my, love is a lie, shit my friends say to get me by. It hits different. It hits different this time." — Hits Different

They're so... The one for each other. Their love hits different. For both of them.

"So you were never a saint, and I've loved in shades of wrong. We learn to live with the pain, mosaic broken hearts. But this love is brave and wild. [...] These are the hands of fate, you're my Achilles heel. This is the golden age of something good and right and real." — State of Grace

They're each other's Achilles heel. I'm gonna cry.

"Time, mystical time, cuttin' me open, then healin' me fine. Were there clues I didn't see? And isn't it just so pretty to think all along there was some invisible string tying you to me? [...] Chains around my demons, wool to brave the seasons. One single thread of gold tied me to you." — invisible string

Thinking that they were destined to be together is cheesy af but I don't care <3

"I see how this is gon' go, touch me and you'll never be alone. Island breeze and lights down low. No one has to know. [...] Every lover known in comparison is a failure. I forget their names now, I'm so very tame now. Never be the same now." — ...Ready For It?

Once again saying that they're the one for each other. And also this song is just the vibes. They have these vibes. I don't want to explain it because I got tired of writing this halfway.

"Kiss me once 'cause you know I had a long night. Kiss me twice 'cause it's gonna be alright. Three times 'cause I've waited my whole life. I like shiny things, but I'd marry you with paper rings." — Paper Rings

They're so clingy so sappy so cheesy I don't care what dudebros think.

"You were so magnetic, it was almost obnoxious. [...] I didn't come here to make friends, we were born to be suburban legends. When you hold me, it holds me together. And you kiss me in a way that's gonna screw me up forever." — Suburban Legends

Luffy has always been, ever since they met, magnetic to Zoro. And it kind of bothered him at first, but now Luffy has changed his life forever and he will never love somebody else the way he loves Luffy.

"And, somehow, I know that you and I would've found each other. In another life, you still would've turned my head even if we'd met... [...] 'Cause I believe that we were supposed to find this. So, even in a different life, you still would've been mine... We would've been timeless." — Timeless

Once again saying that I love thinking they're soulmates. Because they are. Argue with the wall.

"I'm yours to keep, and I'm yours to lose." — So It Goes...

I love codependency.

"But we might just get away with it. Religion's in your lips. Even if it's a false god. We'd still worship. We might just get away with it. The altar is my hips. Even if it's a false god. We'd still worship this love. I know heaven's a thing. I go there when you touch me. Honey hell is when I fight with you." — False God

Zoro worshipping Luffy like a God will never not be extremely romantic and passionate. Luffy also sees their relationship like this, kind of. They're each other's world!!! Going crazy!!!

"Put your lips close to mine as long as they don't touch. Out of focus, eye to eye, 'til the gravity's too much. And I'll do anything you say if you say it with your hands." — Treacherous

This is just them pining over each other and being extremely intimate and willing to do anything the other says. I love exaggerating everything.

"They said the end is coming. Everyone's up to something. I find myself running home to your sweet nothings. [...] And the voices that implore, "You should be doing more". To you, I can admit that I'm just too soft for all of it." — Sweet Nothing

I honestly always think about Sanuso with this song because it's way more Sanuso coded- HOWEVER!! I do think Zolu has this domestic and genuine energy whenever they're clingy and don't really ask anything from the other except just being together.

"Big reputation, big reputation. You and me, we got big reputations. And you heard about me. I got some big enemies. [...] I swear I don't love the drama, it loves me. And I can't let you go, your handprint's on my soul. It's like your eyes are liquor, it's like your body is gold." — End Game

Do I really need to explain this one when everybody knows they're literally dramatic pirates wanted by the law? And they're very very in love?

"All I know is this could either break my heart or bring it back to life. Got a feelin' your electric touch could fill this ghost town up with life. And I want you now, wanna need you forever. In the heat of your electric touch." — Electric Touch

When OPLA!Zoro said that Luffy had changed his life. That changed me.

"We blocked the noise with the sound of 'I need you', and for the first time I had something to lose." — Holy Ground

Once again this is about OPLA!Zoro but obviously works with our regular Zolu. Zoro was so lost without Luffy I'm gonna cry.

"One night he wakes, strange look on his face. Pauses, then says: You're my best friend. And you knew what it was. He is in love." — You Are In Love

This is the perfect way to describe a relationship between aroaspec people. Also, this is giving Sanuso too but this is not a Sanuso post I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm so-

"Don't blame me, love made me crazy. If it doesn't, you ain't doin' it right. Lord, save me, my drug is my baby, I'll be usin' for the rest of my life. My name is whatever you decide, and I'm just gonna call you mine." — Don't Blame Me

I don't need to explain this one.

"My hand was the one you reached for all throughout the Great War." — The Great War

I always think about ASL and Marineford with this one but tbh it is very Zolu too.

[fuck-customers]

Nah lmaoo FUCK that

Our bathrooms are locked at my store, but for some godforsaken reason, management lets the inhuman public use them. (We're halfway there though- one bathroom has been made "employees only") Previously, we'd just tell the customers the code for the bathroom, which....is so stupid, why even have locks if we're just gonna let any random cretin use them? Just don't put the locks on in the first place??

But now, our hours are MAJORLY slashed. I'm talking 1 person per department at a time for 3-3.5 hour shifts. Which means no one has enough time to fully complete their tasks, so I have to clean up after the person before me. (And yes, TECHNICALLY I shouldn't have to clean up after them, but it impedes my tasks to leave the mess) And now it's the start of the holiday season and not a single hour has increased.

Yet now, my boss expects me, in between the literal nonstop line of customers, to stop everything I'm doing, LEAVE MY DEPARTMENT (where I'm the sole employee, mind you) to hold the fucking customer's hand and walk their entitled ass all the way to the bathroom (which is at the farthest back part of the store- my department is at the front of the store- literally going from one end of the store to the opposite end) just to fucking unlock it for them.

Fuck that shit. I've been writing the code on the door and my braindead boss keeps blacking it out and fuck her, Imma keep writing the codes or telling customers the bathroom is closed/out of order/not for fucking them. I do NOT have the time for that shit.

Posted by admin Rodney.

[redheadspark]

October Prompt Session (CLOSED)

Hello dearies!

FINALLY, it feels like Autumn, at least here in Southern California! I love Autumn weather in the morning! It's a great segway into the Holiday Season that is creeping up on us!

Since we're over the halfway point in October, here's the theme for this prompt session:

Halloween

Here are my rules:

1.) You may choose ONE character from my list Here. It’ll have the list of characters that I write for or have written for in the past.

*(If you have a character not listed that you wish for me to write, PLEASE MESSAGE ME AND CLEAR IT WITH ME FIRST TO SEE IF I CAN OR WILL DO IT!)*

2.) This session has two lists: Dialogue and Action/Scenario. As you ask, please be as ACCURATE AS POSSIBLE: include the character, the dialogue, and the scenario in one request. (Please limit to one dialogue and one scenario in each request)

Example: May I have Azriel from ACOTAR with #3 in Dialogue and #7 in Scenario?

*I write out the requests on a first come first serve. I will try my best to fulfill every request that comes my way, but please bear in mind I work full-time as a teacher. Because of that, I’ll be busy most of the day so please be patient and I’ll write in my spare time as much as I can :) *

3.) If I get two requests that are exactly the same, (same character and same number) I will only write it once! Please don't be afraid to ask if someone has already requested the character and number, I don't mind answering that for you :)

4.) You can request in my ASK box neither as yourself or anonymously. Although I would LOVE to give you a shout if you request as yourself, anon is perfectly fine!

5.) I will stop taking requests for this prompt session on Friday, October 25th, at 3:00 PST

6) Have fun and enjoy :)

Prompt Lists created by @scealaiscoite

-ˏˋ. dialogue ˊˎ-

⋆ "what do you mean you've never gone trick-or-treating?!"

⋆ "i really appreciate that you're getting into the halloween spirit, but it's ten in the morning. please turn off the slasher films so i can eat my breakfast in peace."

⋆ "ah, you've made the mistake in thinking that just because this is a couples/family costume that you get any kind of say in it. you don't, actually."

⋆ "i love you, i swear i do, but we're not wearing matching costumes."

⋆ "do you remember what happened the last time you tried to carve a pumpkin?! we'll get laughed out of a&e if i have to haul you down there over this again."

⋆ "you're like the toughest person i know! am i really supposed to believe that a horror film is enough to have you cowering into my lap?"

⋆ "stop squirming, you're gonna mess up your face paint!"

⋆ "please, i'm begging you. don't make me watch the nightmare before christmas again."

⋆ "should i be worried that you know how to replicate fake blood this well? i probably should be, right?"

⋆ "come on, if there was ever a time for me to be superstitious it's definitely now."

-ˏˋ. actions / scenarios ˊˎ-

⋆ carving pumpkins together

⋆ having a scary movie marathon

⋆ going to questionable lengths to decorate their house/apartment

⋆ passing out candy to trick-or-treaters

⋆ throwing a halloween party

⋆ going to a carnival / fair

⋆ comforting the scaredy cat amongst them

⋆ putting an inordinate amount of effort into planning their costume

⋆ going to a pumpkin patch

⋆ laying wide awake at night after watching a horror movie that left them unnerved

Once again, the prompt session will close on Friday, October 25th, at 3:00 PST!

Happy requesting and Happy Halloween!!!

Tagging -@a-lumos-in-the-nox @botanicalbarnes @heliosphere8 @virtueassassin @ethereal-athalia @heartofwritiing @valeridarkness @pemberlyy @saradika @basicrese

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Would I be the Asshole for not going to my sibling's house?

I have a sibling who I don't see very often because they live halfway across the country.

The rest of our shared family is planning on visiting them for the holidays and me, my partner, and our kid are definitely going. But here's the thing: We're all sharing an airbnb so that we can host the big holiday dinner instead of doing it at Sibling's house. Why? Because, supposedly, Sibling's house is near hoarder-levels of mess.

First let me be clear: I understand that this is a side-effect of mental illness, I have some of those tendencies myself that I actively work against. I'm not judging Sibling or their partner for it. It honestly wouldn't even be a question, except that my partner and I have a toddler. We've been lucky to have avoided anything more serious than some bad diaper rash and seasonal allergies. But being in an environment like that can be a vector for illness, and Toddler's at that age where they will happily grab anything in grabbing distance and stick it in their mouth. So that's my concern.

Now let me address that "supposedly". I haven't been to their house since well before covid. It was, at that point, what I would call pretty messy, but in a way that could be explained as just exhausted new parents who haven't had the free time to tidy up in a while and the mess had gotten away from them. However, our parent and other sibling has been there a couple of times since and the last we talked about it, they told me that it's gotten a lot worse. Bordering on hoarder-worse.

On the one hand, Parent has a tendency to catastrophize. They can see something they think is wrong and exaggerate it into its worst possible explanation, turning even a legitimate issue into something much more severe or dramatic than it actually is. And they've been doing this a lot with Sibling because of how little they actually get to see and talk to them. On the other hand, when Parent was describing the state the house was in, Other Sibling, who is more than willing to call Parent out for exaggerating, backed them up about how bad it was.

On the other other hand, Sibling has since mentioned they've been doing a lot of cleaning. How much? I don't know. Is the house in a significantly better state? I have no idea.

But we're going to be there for a few days, and it's highly likely they'll invite all of us over at some point. Not only that we were all solidifying plans recently and when the possibility was mentioned that we might arrive before the person who made the airbnb reservation, Sibling mentioned that we could just go over to their house to hang out while we wait. And while I had some hope that Parent would understand and back me up and not actively put me in a position where I would have to be the one to say no, when Sibling said that, Parent agreed!

So now I'm worried about pissing everyone off/hurting their feelings during a huge, logistic-heavy family trip over a major holiday.

Would I be justified in putting my foot down and not bringing Toddler over to a potentially hoarder-messy house? Would I just be the asshole for not sucking it up for what would probably end up only being a few hours?

What are these acronyms?

[oneatlatime]

It's so interesting to see what episodes hold up upon an adult viewing versus which don't.

Like, what I remember from the Library as a kid is "whoa, so cool, whoa library," but you're right, I think it is one of the weaker episodes, especially compared to the rest of Season Two.

Some of it may be that, with so many episodes having well done A, B, and C plots all airing simultaneously, having an episode with only an A plot felt kind of empty. I found myself waiting for a cut away to Zuko messing up in new and embarrassing ways.

It's also kind of rare that the antagonist is so removed from the main antagonistic force of the story. Even in season one, when there were plenty of single episode antagonists, they were tied in somehow to the plot, like how the pirates team up with Zuko. You could argue that Jet and the Owl have similar fire nation inspired motivations, i.e. fire nation hurt me so now I'm a dick. But the owl's beef is with humans in general, even if it was fire nation humans that burnt his library. Jet's beef is (in theory) with fire nation humans, so he's still more tied in to the main conflict than the owl.

My feeling was that, someone at the network checked the schedule, went, "oh crap! We're almost halfway through the season and we still haven't introduced info XYZ that sets up the whole conflict for season 2!", then they got panicky and cleared out a whole episode's worth of story time just for the introduction of the info, which wasn't enough info to fill a whole episode. Season one was lucky because that season's main conflict was also its inciting incident; i.e. getting to the north pole. So a season-long conflict was introduced organically in the first/second episode. Season two's opening goal, getting an earthbending teacher, is accomplished. So now they have to set up something else, something season one didn't have to do half way through. Although, thinking about it, Sozin's Comet was introduced about half way into season one, wasn't it? And that worked.

The Library had incredible worldbuilding and (I'm predicting) lots of important set up/exposition, but as an episode it was boring, and as a story beat, Appa-napping is unforgivable.

[nellie-elizabeth]

His Dark Materials: The Intention Craft (3x03)

Oh boy, I can't wait for episode four, I have a feeling it's going to make me a little weepy. But let's talk about this one first!

Cons:

The effect on the Gallivespians is... weird. They've got the scaling situation going, but it doesn't ever really feel like they're in the same place? Like when Lady Salmakia is talking to Lyra and Will, it doesn't feel like they're actually physically near each other. And the scene where she attacks them, angry about the knife being broken, it really did feel like the kids were flinching away on cues from someone off-camera, not to an actual living person existing in their environment.

Mary Malone... it's strange that we're not making progress quicker with her. She's on her journey, and I know where it's going, but there are five episodes left the show, and we're just now getting to the point that I think of as the beginning of her story? So I don't know, that's a little odd, pacing-wise.

Also odd for pacing was to have Balthamos come back for like two seconds just to say "oh, you're going to the land of the dead. Okay, bye, then." I guess I'm glad to see him, but not really sure what the point was there.

Pros:

GOD, everything with Asriel and Marisa is so juicy and interesting. They really did steal the show for me this week. Asriel has control over Marisa, has her at his mercy, and yet Marisa cannot fully be controlled. The moment when he laments, why can't you be what I want you to be, was honestly so powerful and I think encapsulates so much of what this relationship is. There's a deep passion and intensity of feeling between them, but ultimately he cannot fully respect her, and she cannot consent to be subjugated. I love that Lyra's parents have what at first glance seems to be very gendered conceptions of parenthood: Marisa is the one frantic for their daughter's safety, while Asriel is impatient about the whole mess. But then you think back to their history with her: neither is a nurturing, supportive parent, but Asriel was at least willing to see her and admit to the family connection, while Marisa hid in shame, only entering Lyra's life when she feared that her own research would lead to her daughter's harm.

Asriel is so intense: his motives are, I think one could argue, good, in the sense that the Magisterium is evil and what they claim to worship is no good either. And yet we watch him torture an angel to get a message to Metatron. We see what a controlling, dismissive, inconsiderate person he is at his very core. His passion, however, makes him so interesting to watch. He's not some sort of pedestrian evil man grabbing for power wherever he can get it. And Marisa certainly isn't just her ambition, either. The look they share, as Marisa escapes on the Intention Craft, is one of mutual understanding; a strange, angry respect. I can't wait to see the end of the story play out between them. It's bound to be such an intense moment.

Will and Lyra are similarly moving to watch, albeit in a very different way than Coulter and Asriel. The warmth of their friendship is so obvious, and then when there's conflict between them, you get the sense that it hurts precisely because of how much they care for and trust one another. Will doesn't fully understand Lyra's plan to go to the land of the dead, but ultimately he's going to back her play. Yes, his father told him to bring the knife to Asriel, but his mother always told him to help a friend in need. Their hug was beautiful, and I'm already getting weepy about what's going to happen at the end of this show. It's gonna screw me up big time.

It was cool to see Iorek helping Will to reforge the knife, although I think they're cowards to not show Iorek's big huge meaty bear paws holding forging tools. That's kind of all I have to say about that. It's sweet seeing Iorek and Lyra together, and Lyra using the alethiometer again after so long was a treat as well!

I'll stop there. After I watch episode four, we'll already be halfway through the season. Say it ain't so!

8/10

[tehamelie]

Community community (1.1)

Cause Hopey loves Maggie more than anything but she's scared it can't go anywhere cause she knows Maggie is going to end up marrying some man and have three fat babies so she all but drives her away, and all Maggie wants is to be wanted, she'll go after guys who make her lady parts go brrr but what matters is she'll come to anyone who makes her feel welcome, the girls could be happy together for the rest of their days if they just. . .

What was I talking about? Oh yes, we're rewatching Community. Back in the early to mid 2010s, as a happy carefree egg, I had a lot of good times watching this show with my friends, for day after day and endless summer nights. Even the gas leak year. Well, that's the only part I only ever watched once. That will be interesting when we get to it. But then, every episode of every season is interesting anyway.

Community was never the smartest or funniest show, not the snarkiest nor the sweetest. What it is, in my opinion, is the most advanced show on television yet. Fifteen years later it still seems like it comes from twenty years in the future, taking its lessons from generations of TV no one's even made yet. Let's see:

Community S1S1: Pilot

We're introduced to the esteemed (or just steaming) dean Pelton messing up a heartfelt inspirational halfway-through-the-first-week-of-the-semester speech to an unprepared and uninterested campus, where he mainly insults several of our main characters with negative stereotypes about community college. A strong introduction to the concept of the show, to the tone it's setting, to Craig Pelton, and to Greendale Community College.

Onto Jeff Winger, a lawyer who cheated his way to his degree, got found out, and has come here to cheat his way back with the use of his good friend professor Duncan who owes him for cheating the court when he was on trial for drunk driving. Jeff is so charming and manipulative, he seems to trick many viewers into thinking he's the main character he himself thinks he is. Don't believe his lies.

And here's Pierce Hawthorne, playing hide the sausage in the cafeteria line. That's not a euphemism, thankfully. Yeah, this is a silly bit of prop comedy, but it sets up Pierce's character beautifully without a word spoken. He's bad at stuff, and he goes to extraordinary lengths to cover up his many failures even though nobody even cares (or at least they were not going to care before he crushed his hot dog into a whole stack of buns), but just to salve his own ego. Pity Chevy Chase is an asshole, but then again, it gives the show a challenge later on when his real life assholishness spills over and needs to be written around for the story; a challenge to which it rises, I think.

And then we meet Britta, or rather, Pilot Episode Britta who's sort of her own separate character from Real Britta. Pilot Britta doesn't really do a lot except be bad at Spanish and put up a sort of cardboard feminist antagonism to Jeff. Look, every show needs a season or two to work out who the characters actually are, we can forgive a few cases of what TV Tropes calls "Early installment weirdness".

Speaking of TV Tropes, I like this lunch lady who explicitly refutes the role of "Magical N***o." I'd like to think they would have cast Aloma Wright to just directly recreate her character from Scrubs for this part, if they could. Or Whoopi Goldberg and her character from Star Trek. Or, yeah, you know, it's a pattern. And Community refuses to follow these patterns.

Some more weird Britta. There's some strokes of who her character is going to be (dropped out of high school to impress Radiohead, was at a protest once) but she's obviously mainly here to be a foil/love interest to Jeff, and looking for more than that is like panning for gold in a haystack. Though in a vacuum, it's fun to watch Jeff try to contort himself into a shape he imagines will make him attractive to her.

Enter Abed, and the deconstruction begins. It is funny how quickly and intuitively he cranks up the self-awarness and self-referentialness of the scene, but I'd like to note there's much more to him. In his first scene we see how he eagerly absorbs every bit of information* about people he meets and leaps at every chance to make a connection, and here he's excited about the first text message he's ever gotten. We could see this as a guy who loves people so much they can't stand to be around him. A sort of younger, unfiltered, unselfconscious Ted Lasso, if you remember that guy who drove his wife away because she couldn't keep up with the intensity of his care and appreciation.

And here he lays the foundation for the Greendale Seven in five minutes while Jeff is away manipulating Duncan. It's possible the joke here is supposed to be Abed is so bad at reading the situation (Jeff faking a study group in order to get face time with Britta) he ends up making the group real by accident, but you know what, screw Jeff. (Or rather, don't.) That narrative hinges on us both understanding his unspoken intentions and respecting them, but I'm on Abed's side of going with this opportunity to create a friend group.

Then we enter what's called in journalist jargon a "period of unstructured discussion". Though it's hard to keep up with the chaos without pausing my DVD every two seconds, it's beautifully coreographed chaos, with each character getting a carefully weighted amount of screen time as first Pierce tries to dominate the conversation and telling far too much about himself in his efforts to introduce the other characters and then Jeff acting as whatever the opposite of a moderator is, trying to excite rather than calm the arguments.

Children get pity but not respect, and adults, they get respect. But they also get the back of their head grabbed and their face pushed through jukeboxes.

I love that Shirley's establishing character moment here has nothing to do with her ethnicity, or her motherhood, or her religion, or her weakness for gossip, or her frequent passive aggression. Just trying to be the adult when the much younger Annie challenges her, dispensing some wisdom of the elder, and getting sidetracked halfway through her bon mot with what they call a suspiciously specific personal anecdote.

Then Pierce says something that could just as well come from the mouth of Donald Trump, but if I'm going to keep count of every time that happens I'm gonna need to take a math class. Troy and Annie's high school history of unrequited crushes and drug problems come back to haunt them (well, just her), things get truly chaotic and on the verge of getting ugly but then Abed saves the day by performing a scene from The Breakfast Club. It's so lolrandom, no, not at all. He enjoys doing it because he feels the study group is like being in that movie, but it's clearly a calculated act of distraction that allows everyone to take a step back and calm down.

Picture me reenacting the shot from the first episode of Firefly where Mal says of Simon Tam "He's my hero!" Cause Abed is my hero and I also like to say things that sound like a joke when they're true but saying them earnestly would make me emotionally vulnerable.

So anyway. Jeff trades his Lexus for Duncan's car that's so tiny you have to try to keep your knees out of your face when you sit in it, because he's just that desperate to not have to learn anything in the four years he's going to go to school. I realize I may be talking Jeff down a lot, maybe even a smidge more than he deserves. Maybe it's that he reminds me of my stepbrother and I can't say too many bad things about him since he's dead. But to be fair, Jeff is going to do a lot of work to redeem himself over the course of the show.

And boy does he need it.

In my headcanon, this is the first time Jeff ever uses his powers for good. Yeah, it's a cheap, shallow manipulative speech, playing to emotions without any particular substance, relying on his force of personality in a way that if you just wrote the words down it would not convince anyone - which is as far as we can see his entire method of making arguments - and he does it explicitly just to win a dinner with Britta by fixing the mess he created, but. Here we care about the results of an act of charity, not its intentions. And the Shark Week speech does even more than tape over the group's shredded emotions and bury its conflicts and dissolve the chaos. It gives these people an excuse to bond together, like we all wish we could. It tells each of them nice things about each other. It makes a fairly compelling argument in general for trying to recognize our fellow humans' personhood and acting in the spirit of forgiveness and reconciliation.

And as we'll come to see, from this moment on, the study group becomes unstoppable.

And then in sort of a coda we get a moral about how cheating doesn't teach you anything (especially when your cheat sheets turn out to be just a stack of blank paper), a moral that even someone like Jeff or Pierce is a human being worthy of regard, a moral about doing things for yourself and not trying to either please or spite other people, a moral about bright kids having a hard time learning how to study cause they don't have to do it until they're adults, and a moral about second chances. I may have missed some. There's just a parade of morals here.

Advanced Community proofs #1: Community does in the first episode what normal TV shows do in the first season, or first couple of seasons. It's not that dense with information (that's in later seasons, where practically every shot gets loaded with freeze-frame jokes and significant props) but it does such an elegant job of blazing through the motions of having an awkward first season and then having to work to reconcile rewritten characters with history they'll have to either keep quiet or just contradict. But here we start off a half note from perfect and hit perfect from from the second episode.

Dang I spent three hours on this. Probably won't be able to do even one episode a day.

*Information is measured in bits of data. Did you know someone proved a black hole's surface area grows by one square Planck length per bit of information it absorbs? Learning!

Episode list: S1E1 (that's this page!) S1E2 S1E3 S1E4 S1E5

[tajellie07]

"From the beginning, together"

Fandom: Boku no Hero Academia

Pairing: Kirirshima x Reader

Headcannon: Kirishima understands what it means to be exhausted, burnt out. So it hurts him to see you as tired as you are, but he understands that you have to sacrifice sleep to get your coursework done.

I can see him doing one of two things:

little things to make your load even a smidgin lighter.

dragging your ass to bed no questions asked.

But again, it depends on the situation.

Kirishima had just got out of his practicals. While he was tired he was sure to shower before he came to your dorm. Why? Because he's been looking forward to today. Your study date would be the first time he's seeing you in weeks.

"Pebble", he came in without knocking. He immediately paused.

Your usually tidy room was a mess and so were you. You were preoccupied, crouched over your work desk, so you hadn't noticed him yet. But he sure as hell noticed you.

"Y/N", he closed your door and strode towards you.

"Kiri?" you finally turned to face him. You were confused before it clicked. "Omg, I am so sorry. I- I forgot", you hurried to your feet and began to tidy your immediate area.

Strong hands forced you back into your seat. Your boyfriend watched you intently, "Y/N..."

Finals are around the corner and it showed in your dark circle, stiff shoulders and pencil-bruised fingers. Hell, you even looked thinner. As a support course student at UA, your theory work was just as heavy, if not heavier, than your practicals.

"Is there anything I can do to support you? I don’t want to assume what you might need", then he added laughingly, "other than sleep."

You were about to refuse him when your stomach answered for you. "Uh food would be nice", you said awkwardly.

His smile dimmed minutely. "I can do that", he answered supportively. You were going to get an earful for neglecting yourself when this is all over. It's written on his face.

Tch must've picked that up from Bakugou.

When he returned, he made certain you weren't multitasking and made you focus on eating. He wanted you to rest your eyes and wrists in that fifteen minutes. After that, you both became consumed in study. Your work desk is separated into three sections: laptop and physics textbook on the right, quirk practice in the middle, first aid practice on the left. Kirishima studied with Bakugou the day before so his notes were filled with pointers from his Bakubro. He only did it because he didn't want to bother you with teaching him.

The sound of pencil scratches filled the room. After about three hours those scratches started to get aggressive. Kirishima looked up from his notes to find your brows creased and your teeth gritted. He closed his notebook and watched you for a moment. On your end, you were doing review sheets. You've been stuck on this question for the longest time but you never get an answer similar to the one on the answer sheet. The damn thing doesn't even show the process so you can't figure out where you're going wrong.

"Damn it", you hissed frustrated. Your eyes pricked, the grip around the pencil tightened.

"Hey", a rough but warm hand pulled the innocent pencil from your hand, "What's wrong?"

The gentle hand on your back made the damn burst. You weren't crying over the stupid review sheet... Well... It wasn't the only reason. It's the cramming, exam after exam and the crippling anxiety that comes with them. You don't study well in groups so you carry the crushing weight of your thoughts and the worst part is, we're only halfway into test season.

Kirishima picked you up and sat on the bed. Wordlessly he held you to his chest, his fingers carding through your hair. "I know it feels like this hell won't end but it will." He rested his cheek on your head as if wanting to cement his presence. "In the meantime, I'm here for you."

You wrapped your arms around his waist. It felt good to know you have a shoulder to lean on. Your body also felt much lighter after crying so hard. Then you heard a sharp inhale and felt his small tremors. He's here for you so you'll be here for him too.

Nah fam he's shaking because he glanced at your physics book and understands jack shit. Somewhere on campus, Bakugou is sneezing like hell.

"Let me know if there's anything I can help you with", you blinked at him wanting to return the sentiment.

"Then let's study physics together... from the beginning", he asked shamelessly.

"Okay", you agreed easily. It's said you learn something new when you teach to another.

Sorry it's a whole two days late... my niece kept me busy.

To everyone that's stressed out, with school or work or just life in general, I can't even imagine how much you have on your plate. All I ask is that you take care of yourselves despite it all. Eat, drink water and take breaks, these are important because you are important.

Please, stay safe loves.

You can check out my Masterlist here!

[managedmischiefs]

north//chapter nineteen

genre: fluff!! some angst

warnings: mentions of prison, ptsd and its symptoms (flashbacks, kinda)

word count: 6.1k

summary: spencer gets home and amelia helps him keep his head on straight.

pairing: season twelve/thirteen spencer reid x oc

AMELIA

Stepping back into my apartment after being away for over twenty-four hours is such a relief. Spencer, for some reason, didn't want to go back to his own apartment, so I happily bring him right to mine.

He's half asleep in my passenger seat, his head resting against the window and his hand smushed against his cheek. Despite the challenging circumstances, at every red light, I gaze over to admire how adorable he looks with puffy cheeks and flushed skin. He's fighting sleep as we journey to my apartment, and even though I've told him that he doesn't have to, I still see him forcing his eyes open every few seconds.

When we're just a few minutes from my apartment, I finally speak up. "So," I murmur, and he lifts his head slightly, "do you wanna do anything when we get home, or do you wanna go right to sleep?"

Spencer shakes his head and adjusts his position so he's leaning more towards me, his head almost resting on my shoulder. "I'm really tired but I'm hungry. And I wanna shower too. Do you have my stuff at your apartment still?"

"Of course I do, doll," I smile, reaching my hand over to rest on his cheek, keeping my eyes on the road. "I have your go-bag too. So a shower, some food, and then sleep. We can do that," Spencer turns his head and kisses my palm, capturing my hand in his and bring them into his lap. I pull up in front of my apartment and park my car, smiling over at my hazy and sleepy boyfriend. "Here, Spence."

We climb out of my car and go trudging up to my apartment, and I push my keys into the lock. I twist it but it doesn't make the clicking sound to tell me it's unlocked, so I pull out the keys. I put them in again and twist one more time, and when the lock doesn't click, I pull the keys out for the second time. I figure that my friends might just be major idiots and have forgotten to lock the door after they left yesterday, so I tuck the keys in my pocket and twist the knob. It pops right open. Great. My door has been unlocked for over twenty-four hours.

Spencer isn't paying much mind to this though as we trudge in, kicking off our shoes. I hang up my jacket and turn to Spencer to ask for his jacket so I can put it in the washer, but his gaze is somewhere else. I follow where he's looking and find that the balcony doors are slightly open, and I roll my eyes. This keeps happening to me. These damn balcony doors. Between the balcony and front doors being open, I'm surprised that all of my belongings aren't completely gone.

"Don't worry about it, Spence," I tell him, dramatically flipping the lock on my front door so we can both hear the clicking noise and then padding across my apartment to flip the lock on the balcony door. Honestly though, my hands are trembling as I touch the knobs. Why are my door continuously unlocked? I try to brush it off for Spencer's sake. "My friends were here when I left to pick you up and I'm sure they forgot to close and lock everything. It's fine. It's not a big deal. Don't worry about it."

Spencer nods and rubs his eyes, then begins to speak through a loud yawn. "You should yell at your friends."

It's just another moment of the old Spencer shining through the armor that the new Spencer is wearing. This exhausted and bleary and witty version of my boyfriend is who I have embedded in my brain, not the version who yells at me and throws books at walls and jumps away from my touch. I wish I could frame this moment and hang it on the wall.

"Come on," I wave him towards the kitchen and he follows me blindly, falling into a barstool at the island, leaning his elbows against the granite. The sleeves of his dress shirt are rolled up and his forearms are far too distracting for anyone's good, and I have to tear my eyes away from him before I get carried away. I'm just too deprived of sex and satisfaction that maybe any intimate sight of Spencer will get me going. Even if it's his hands, or his forearms, or his fingers-- oh god, look away.

"Is there anything specific you want?" I take a glance through my fridge at the ingredients I have before turning back to him. His hands are on his cheeks now, distorting his face in that same adorable way it was in the car. "I'll make you whatever you're feeling."

"Just something, um," he speaks quietly, "easy. Pancakes, or something."

"Sure, I can do that," I reach into the cupboard and pull out the pancake mix, retrieving a bowl and a skillet.

"I'm gonna go put a record on," Spencer drags himself out of his chair and into the living room and I can hear him rummaging through the mess in there.

He's utterly exhausted. I've seen him tired after cases, but never liked this. He can barely even speak a full sentence or walk in a straight line. So I combine ingredients quickly, hoping that the stove warms up at lightning speed so I can cook these pancakes as fast as possible. I want to get Spencer food, and then into a shower, and then into bed. I couldn't care less about my needs. I just can't bear seeing him dragging himself around like this anymore.

My ears perk up when the record scratches and then the music starts, and State of Grace by Taylor Swift starts playing. I watch Spencer come back in and sit down again, his eyes closed as he absorbs the music. I expected him to put on one of the many classical records I have, like Mozart or Beethoven or Brahms. But no, he put on Taylor Swift. I choose not to comment on the music choice and instead, I pour the batter on the hot skillet.

It's only five minutes before I have a stack of pancakes and I've run out of batter. I turn off the burner and divide up the pancakes onto two plates, grabbing two forks and the maple syrup from the fridge. Spencer gives me a tiny smile as he reaches for his plate, digging in without even waiting for the syrup.

I drizzle a fair amount of syrup on my own pancakes and then pick up my fork, about to eat my first meal in twenty-four hours, but then I look at Spencer. He's scarfing down his food like his life depends on it, and I wonder if he's even chewing it at all. His head is bowed all the way down, nose almost touching the pancake stack as he snakes his fork under his chin, and his free hand is on the table with his fingers spread, and before I can blink again, he's halfway through his plate.

"Hey, hey, Spence," I reach my hand out for him, but he doesn't react. This is what happened when he threw the book. He got in his head, then I touched him, and he freaked out. I can't let that happen again. So I sit up on my knees and lean toward him, placing my hands flat against the table so, again, he can see that I don't plan on touching him or using them against him. "Spencer, look at me," he digs his fork into the pancake but his hand falters, slowing down. "Eyes up here, dove."

Spencer's eyes slowly travel up until they lock with mine, and they hold the same panicked qualities that they did post-book-throwing. I offer him a smile, but he doesn't give one back, not that I expected him to.

"Spencer," I speak slowly and calmly, "nobody's here. It's just you and me. You can slow down. You have all the time in the world to eat," Spencer takes a labored breath through his nose and shakes his head, closing his eyes. "I promise, dove, and you know I don't break my promises. You can slow down, you can just be with me. You're with me, and that's it."

"It's just--" he hangs his head and then opens his eyes, staring at his half-empty plate, "sitting like this. It feels-- it feels like-- it just-- it's--"

For some reason, I understand what he can't say. From how he's sitting in such a defensive and protected position and now he's saying that there's a problem with how he's sitting, it makes sense to me. Somehow, sitting like his makes him think of sitting and eating in prison and having to, I don't know, protect his food, maybe. I don't know much of anything about prison but I didn't think that it would change the way he eats meals.

"Okay, okay," I cut off his stuttering, nodding softly so I can seem as understanding as possible. "Come on then," I pull back my hands and grab my plate, sliding off the barstool and pressing my back against the kitchen cabinets, slowly sliding down. "How about we sit on the floor? Would that be okay?"

Spencer stares at me sliding onto the floor and it takes him quite a while to grab onto his plate and join me. He slides down beside me and extends his legs in front of him, setting his plate on his lap. He takes a long, deep breath and starts slicing into his pancakes again, much slower this time.

"Is this better?" I ask softly. "You can tell me if it's not because we could move somewhere else," I start to cut into my own food again, keeping my eyes on him.

"Yeah," he murmurs, and then he slumps down a little bit more so he can rest his head on my shoulder. Spencer is eating like a snail now, moving his hand so slowly that I have to keep looking down to make sure he hasn't fallen asleep on my shoulder. We just eat in tense silence, and as badly as I want to touch him and comfort him and smother him in love like I imagined I would be by now, I get the feeling that he would hate that and it would overwhelm him.

Not surprisingly, Spencer finishes his pancakes before me and gently places his fork down on his plate, setting his trembling hands flat on his lap. I expect Spencer to get up and discard his plate in the sink or the dishwasher and then head upstairs and jump in a shower, but he doesn't move. He stays right beside me with his head on my shoulder so I start to pick up my eating pace so we can get going. If he's not going to move without me then I don't want to make him sit here forever.

"Can I take your plate for you?" I whisper once I've finally finished my pancakes. The sun has fully risen and is blaring through the windows, and it feels so twisted to be so exhausted, so early in the morning.

Spencer nods, but he doesn't offer the plate up to me. I pick it up off his lap gingerly and wait for Spencer to lift his head before standing, putting them in the sink to deal with later. I turn back to Spencer, who's still on the floor, and hold my hands out to him to help him up. He looks at my feet first, and then incredibly slowly drags his eyes up my body until his eyes lock with mine. He seems so distant. He seems so far away and so far gone. His eyes are glossed over and his movements are like that of a sloth, starkly contrasting his quick actions just a few minutes before.

I very gently thrust my hands forward again, wiggling my fingers in his direction to get his attention. "Let's go get you in a shower, okay? I bet it'll make you feel a lot better."

Spencer looks up at me with a heartbreaking gaze, as if he can't even see me. As if he's staring right through me. As if he can't even see me at all. But then he pushes himself up by his lonesome and runs his hands down his face.

"Um," he breathes, his voice so low that I barely hear it, "thank you for-- you know, for the food," He keeps his eyes down on the floor, his body turned slightly away from me as if he's cowering from my touch again.

"No need to thank me, love. But let's just head upstairs and get you into a shower, okay?" I wave him out of the kitchen and he slumps off towards the stairs.

I watch him go, and once he gets on the first step, I go into the living room to shut off the record that Spencer has put on. Taylor Swift, huh? I have to make a mental note to ask Spencer about that when we're better rested.

Once I've put the record away, I follow Spencer up the stairs and I find him rummaging through my closet, already having dumped out all the items from his go-bag on the bed. His back is turned to me, too focused on finding clothes in my closet. I go to the pile of clothes and separate the work clothes from his pajamas, making two separate sections for him and trying to smooth out wrinkles from the fabrics.

"Sweets," even when I speak, he doesn't acknowledge my presence, "what are you looking for in there? I know you've got some clothes in there but you've got two whole sets of pajamas right here. They're clean, I've cleaned these clothes."

"I need a white tee-shirt," Spencer tells me and his voice is sharper now. It's not quiet and timid like in the kitchen. It's the exact opposite of the man that was just in my apartment a moment ago.

"Why?" I look down at the pair of pajama pants and the crew neck on the bed in front of me, right next to a different pair of pajamas, a matching silk set that Spencer commonly wears to sleep. Why isn't this good enough for him? If anything, this will keep him more comfortable during bed than just a tee-shirt. "There's two pajama sets right here for you that--"

"I need a white tee shirt, okay?!" Spencer snaps, turning his head to me, but still never looking me in the eye. "I need to wear a white tee-shirt to bed!"

I let out a shaky breath at the venom dripping from his mouth, reaching for the clothes in front of me and just grasping them in my hand, grasping for something to ground me. Although, maybe I'm not the one who needs the grounding right now.

I hear Spencer sigh behind me as he finds a white tee-shirt, and when he comes to the bed beside me, he takes a pair of pajama pants and boxers out of my hands. I move around him to put the other clothes back into his go bag, setting it in the corner of the room and then sifting through my closet for a crew neck and a pair of shorts. I do everything in my power to forgive and forget the moment that is making my hands tremble and my head dizzy. Spencer never yells. And he definitely never yells at me.

I hear the bathroom door open as I put my clothes onto the bed and pull off my tank top, but when I don't hear the water turn on, I turn to check on Spencer. He's still standing in the doorway, clutching his clothes in his hands and staring at the shower door.

"Spence?" He jumps when I speak his name as if he momentarily forgot that I was in the same room as him. And when he turns to me, he's back to the man he was in the kitchen. Quiet, timid, desperate. His eyes are pleading for me, and I feel helpless knowing I don't know exactly how to help him. I disregard my clothes and walk toward him, but don't make an effort to touch him. "Love, you can shower, it's okay. You'll feel much better when you wash off all the sweat and grossness of the--" I pause, wanting to say one certain word but knowing I shouldn't. I settle with a safer word, "day."

Spencer pouts his pretty lips and his hands tighten around the pile of clothes in his hands. "Could you-- um-- could you come with me? I don't wanna be alone right now," and perhaps it seems like a rude comparison, but he looks like a small child. He looks like a child who's woken up from a nightmare, clutching his pillow to his chest, asking his mom to come to his room to scare away the monster under his bed. But I'll never be able to scare away the monster under Spencer's bed. We both know that and we both seem to be ignoring it. For now, we'll pretend that I can remedy every issue in the world and continue on with our day.

I toss my tank top into the hamper across the room and then walk over to Spencer, leaning against the doorframe across from him. "Are you gonna be comfortable with that, dove?"

Spencer nods quickly, his hair falling in front of his eyes. "I'll be okay. I really don't wanna be alone. I want you."

I glance at the shower and then back at Spencer with his greasy hair and his half-lidded eyes and his hunched shoulders, and I nod. If he gets uncomfortable again, I'll just get out. He needs a shower more than me anyway, and if I need to get out of the shower because he doesn't want me touching him, then it's not the end of the world. Spencer breathes a sigh of relief and steps fully into the bathroom, setting his clothes on the sink counter. I grab two towels from the closet and start the shower, leaving the door open a crack so the steam can escape.

Spencer strips off his clothes before I do and, holy shit, I almost gasp. Now, for the millionth time, I have no idea what prison is like. I only know tiny bits of what Spencer went through, like getting beat up and eventually stabbing himself and getting thrown into solitary confinement. I don't know what he did during the time that he was stuck in his cell by himself, or what he did to pass the time when he wasn't in his cell. Honestly, I don't really know what he did at all in prison.

But holy shit. Spencer's arms are far more toned than I remember them to be and his stomach is too, and if Derek Morgan were here, I'd bet good money that he would be impressed. Even Spencer's calves and quads look more toned than before, and every time he moves, every one of his muscles flexes in the most delicious and sexy way. How much did he work out in prison? Did he work out every second of every day? I wasn't expecting this type of transformation from him, but he's been full of surprises. And after a moment of staring, I wonder if this is a good change or not.

"Why are you staring?" Spencer has just reached for the waistband of his boxers but paused when he saw me standing still and staring, then his hands stilled.

"Um," I have to physically jerk my head to the side to break my gaze and force my eye line up to his pupils, "sorry, I was just-- you--"

"I what?" Spencer retorts, and thankfully, he doesn't sound angry. He sounds genuinely curious.

"You just look different. More, you know, muscular," I try to choose my words carefully because I don't want to offend him. I don't want to make it seem like I hate his body now, or that I hated his body before prison because neither is the case. I could never hate his body. I'm not with him for his body. His body is beautiful regardless. This is just such a difference from what I'm used to seeing from my boyfriend. This is just another part of him that has been taken away from him. His soft body is gone as if he has morphed himself into an intimidating alpha male. I never wanted an alpha male. I've only ever wanted my Spencer.

"I worked out a lot," Spencer mumbles vaguely. He barely tells me any details about prison. The most he told me was while we were eating. And even still, he didn't give me specifics during dinner. He left me to guess exactly what was wrong. It's all been vague so far. I'm not sure if that's because he's protecting me or because he just can't bring himself to talk about it yet.

"Let's get in the shower so we can get some sleep," I want to nudge him towards the open shower curtain and the warm, streaming water. But Spencer moves on his own, shuffling towards the shower and quickly discarding his boxers.

He seems hesitant to get into the water at first, just standing at the edge of the tub and letting the water hit his toes first. Spencer stares at the stream of water, reaching his foot out a bit more to get his ankle and shin wet. I watch him carefully for a moment, just to make sure he doesn't freak out like he has a few times already today.

Spencer's head turns to me and he gives me a pleading look, his eyebrows scrunched up and his bottom lip between his teeth. He's clearly keeping tears at bay, trying to prevent his chin from quivering. "Lia," he stammers, but doesn't say anything else. A single tear falls down his cheek.

I quickly pull off my undergarments and move the shower door back a little bit more, stepping into the tub so I'm in the stream of water. I hold my hands out for him, and this time, he actually grabs onto them. I draw him closer to me. Not closer to the stream of water, but just closer to my body.

"It's just water, Spence," I tip my head back and wet my mane of curls, matting them down to my head. "It actually feels really good."

"It's just," Spencer shuffles just a little bit closer to me. The tips of his toes touch mine, his whole body flinching when a droplet of water ricochets off of me and hits his chest, "the showers were always cold."

"Oh," I turn and look at the knobs behind me that control the water temperature, "I can make it cold if you want. It's not a big deal if--"

"No, no, I don't want that," he shakes his head, clutching my hands tightly in his. "I don't wanna take another cold shower. It just feels weird. I'm not used to it."

I scrunch up my nose, unlacing our hands and tracing my fingertips up his forearms. I wonder if I should even let myself touch his biceps because if I do, I might completely lose my cool and want to jump his bones. Clearly, he's not ready for sex or any kind of physical intimacy. I didn't even expect us to be showering together any time soon. "I don't like cold showers, either. You know that. Do you wanna get under the water?"

Spencer nods and grabs my hands again, switching our spots so he's directly under the stream. I don't let go of him as he sighs of relief, the water falling over his face and making his hair stick to his forehead. He closes his eyes, dropping his shoulders down. This is, by far, the most relaxed I've seen him all day. He seemed to be relaxed in the car, but now, he has completely let his guard down for the first time. It's a beautiful sight, truly. It's beautiful to see him running his hands through his hair and reaching for his shampoo and fluttering his eyelids. He's always been so beautiful.

I shave my legs while Spencer washes his body, and he spends quite a lot of time doing so. I'm not surprised that he wants to wash every germ off his body, I'd expected that much. And we keep in silence, just washing away the stress and drama and hardships of the last few months. I wish that a simple shower could wash away all the pain that we've been cursed with, but I know that this pain may never go away. The pain of this time will always linger, no matter how hard we try to eradicate it.

"Are you gonna shave?" I ask, switching places one more time with Spencer so I could wash my face.

"You said you liked it so--"

"Yeah, but it's your face. If you wanna shave, then shave. Don't let me stop you," I wipe away the soap from my eyes and smile at Spencer, gesturing to where his razor still sits along the wall.

Spencer runs his hands over his face, feeling his mustache and beard on his fingertips. "I'll keep it for now. Maybe tomorrow I'll clean it up a little but I don't wanna deal with it today."

"Well let's go get some sleep, okay?" I turn around and shut off the water, wringing out my hair so it doesn't drip onto the floor. Spencer gets out and quickly wraps himself in a towel, and when I step out a moment after him, he hands my towel to me. "Thanks."

I head out of the bathroom and reach for my clothes, pulling on a pair of underwear and one of Spencer's old tee-shirts. I dry off my hair a little bit and sit on the edge of the bed, putting lotion on my legs and keeping my eyes on the bathroom door for when Spencer eventually comes out.

He takes forever to get dressed, but when he does, he's wearing a pair of sweatpants and a white tee-shirt, his hair soaked and hanging over his forehead. He drops his towel in the hamper and then he turns on his heel to join me in bed, but freezes in his spot when he sees my towel on the floor. He quickly picks it up off the floor and puts it into the hamper, then he scans the floor of the room for anything else that could be out of place.

"Babe?" I close off the lid on my bottle of lotion and put it away, watching him put a pair of my shoes into the closet and then jam the door closed. "Spencer, if you really wanna clean, do it when you can actually keep your eyes open. Come get some sleep, please."

Spencer lets out an exasperated sigh as his hands drop from the closet handle, and then they smooth through his hair. He nods silently, and his toes drag against the carpet as he brings himself towards the bed.

He falls onto his side, pulling back the duvet and slipping under, letting out a sound close to a moan as his body sinks into the bed. His head falls onto the pillow and he moans louder, his body wiggling under the covers. I smile at his pure and unfiltered ecstasy and pleasure, doing the same and slipping under the duvet with him.

I keep a bit of distance between us though. Usually, I'd slide my leg through his and wrap my arms around his waist and rest my head on his chest and get as close to him as I possibly can. But he's so caught up in the familiarity and comfortability of my bed that I don't want to overwhelm him by touching him. I want him to enjoy his first time in a proper bed in months and not worry about my hands on his skin.

I let out a roaring yawn, rolling onto my side to face Spencer. Now that I'm laying in bed, my exhaustion is setting in yet again. I pull the duvet up to my chin and close my eyes, trying to let myself drift off to sleep.

I'm just about to dip into dreamland when I feel Spencer shift beside me, facing me. I try to ignore it, try to bring myself closer to sleep, try to let us both get the rest that we so desperately need. But I can sense Spencer's gaze on me, and as hard as I try to, I can't ignore it. I just want him to go to sleep. I want him to sleep so he can regenerate and hopefully feel better whenever it is that we wake up. But my forehead is burning with his stare and I can't stop feeling it. Clearly, something is affecting him and that's why he hasn't tried to sleep yet.

To my surprise, Spencer's voice is the one to break through the silence. "Baby?" He's shaky. He's trembling. He's unsure.

I open my eyes, seeing tears pouring down his cheeks and his hand in midair, just a few inches in front of my face. "Spencer," I breathe, watching his hand drops onto the bed between us. "What's wrong?" Spencer squeezes his eyes shut, and his hand clutches the bed sheet until his knuckles turn white. He breathes in harshly through his nose and he draws his knees up to his chest, curling into a tiny ball. "Dove, talk to me."

Spencer's other hand comes down to the bed to join his other, squeezing so tightly that I fear he might rip a hole in the fabric. I see his arms start to shake with the force he's using to hold the bedsheet, hot tears streaming down his cheeks and staining the pillow. He hiccups, but not too loud. Barely loud enough for me to hear. "Lia," he sobs, completely breaking down right before my eyes, "please hold me."

I want to jump his bones. I want to get on top of him and smother him in love and affection and kisses. I want to give him everything I know we've both been craving for months. I want to give him exactly what he's asking for. But I've spent most of my day doing what I can to not overwhelm him and that's not going to change now.

I debate for a moment on how I should touch him first. Should I wipe his tears? Should I hold his hand? Should I wrap my arm around his waist? Should I drag my fingers along his arm? What could I do that won't freak him out?

But then I notice, again, that his eyes are closed. His eyes are squeezed shut and he's not looking at me. I remember how he reacted in the round table room when I touched him when he couldn't see it coming. He jumped and cowered away from me. He didn't take well to getting touched without seeing it.

"Spencer," I whisper, "open your eyes." His eyebrows scrunch up at my request but he doesn't follow it. "Come on, baby, I wanna see your pretty eyes. I haven't been able to see them in so long. Open your eyes for me," I watch Spencer carefully as he holds his breath, forcing his eyelids open, releasing more tears. "There you go, Spence. Thank you, lovey. So pretty. Your eyes are so pretty."

I raise my hand and let it linger in the air for a moment before reaching towards Spencer's face. I drag my fingers along his jawline then lay my hand flat against his cheek. Spencer's lips part when he lets out a shaky sigh, nuzzling his cheek against the palm of my hand. I give him a moment to revel in this type of contact, just staring into his eyes and gauging his reaction. He isn't cowering away and he hasn't screamed at me yet, so I take that as a good sign.

I bring my other hand forward and press my fingers against the back of his hand, feeling him already start to ease his grip. I can't attest for his other hand, but he flattens his hand against the bed, allowing me to lock our fingers together in an awkward, backwards handhold.

"I've got you," I whisper, swiping my thumb across his cheeks to rid his skin of stinging tears. His eyes are locked on mine and he doesn't dare to avert his gaze from my blue eyes that I know he loves so much.

Spencer sucks in a breath and tugs on my hand, wanting me even closer. So I wiggle my hips to diminish the gap between us, leaving some space still. I move my head so we're sharing a pillow, the same pillow that I used to clutch when I was missing Spencer so intensely that I needed to smell his cologne and remember that he would come home to me soon.

"It hurts," he slurs, and his eyelids are so heavy that he can barely keep them open. But he fights with all his strength against the sleep that wants to suck him in, sticking his eyes to me. His eyes plead for help, a type of help that I don't know if I can provide.

"Oh, my baby," I coo, bringing my face right in front of him, "you're safe. You're home. You don't have to go back to that horrible place again. You're right here and you can rest, okay? It's okay to rest now."

I feel him moving under the sheets and it takes everything in me to not look at what he's doing. But I feel his legs touching mine, and then one of his slips between mine a moment later. Even though he initiated this contact, I wait, yet again, for his reaction. His face doesn't change.

"Can I touch you some more?" Spencer nods quickly, his facial hair scratching my palm. "Can I hug you?" He nods again, and with this obvious consent, I almost sigh of relief.

I slide my hand down Spencer's neck, then down his arm, and to his stomach. I wrap my arm around his waist, pulling my body forward so I'm flush against him. With this, he finally lets his eyelids flutter closed, lips parted as he breathes heavily. His skin feels so warm against mine and I can already feel beads of sweat collecting at my hairline, but I ignore their presence.

"Go to sleep," I murmur, bringing our entwined hands up to the pillow between our faces. "I'm here right now, I'm gonna be here when you wake up, I'm gonna be here tomorrow, and the day after, and the next day, and every day after that. I'm not going anywhere. And if you need me then don't hesitate to wake me up. But I need you to get some sleep, okay? Can you do that for me?" Spencer nods yet again, and he flips his hand around so we can properly hold hands. I smile at his responsiveness. "Let me hear you say it, doll."

Spencer nuzzles his cheek against the pillow, scooting a bit closer to me. "I'm gonna try to get some sleep."

"Good," I slip my hand under his tee shirt and rest it flat against his hot skin, earning a small gasp from him, but I don't do any more than that. "I'm right here, baby boy. I'm not gonna let go of your hand and I'm not gonna get out of bed before you. I'll be right here the whole time. I promise, I'm not going anywhere."

"You promise?"

"I promise."

"I love you," Spencer whispers but his words are barely coherent as his exhaustion becomes too much to handle. His lips are barely moving and his grip on my hand, and on the sheets, are loosening.

"I love you too, dove."

I watch him closely until I know, for sure, that he's fallen asleep. I wouldn't want his eyes to pop open again and for him to panic. But I keep my promise and I don't let go of his hand, or move my hand from in his shirt, or get out of bed. I just close my eyes and drift off into the most restless sleep I've had yet.

TAGLIST

@babybloodstonebones @bxnnywriting @blameitonthenight21 @feralreid @anepiphany @reidscardigan @itsmyblogandillreblogifiwantto @4x24 @whollytaciturn @thegingerfairchild @yasminwashere @shrimpyblog @anamelessfacelessnerd @wonderlandhatter @whxt-to-write @just-call-me-non @imagining-in-the-margins @boldlyvoid @homoose @gubler-me-up @thundergunexpresss @eideticmemory @andiebeaword

[oikawa-tuwu]

Sitting Room (gn!Reader x Tendou)

Rated T, 2.3k words

Not Home for the Holidays Masterlist

"We're snowed in."

Once upon a time, waking up to a winter wonderland of snow outside your window was something to be excited about. It was the first snow of winter, a sign that the holidays were soon to come! Time to make snowmen and drink hot chocolate and bring out the big old bin of decorations from the attic!

Now, some decade and a half later, all the sight of the snow does is fill you with an inescapable dread.

Someone has to scrape the snow off those sidewalks. Someone has to worry about the heavy snow bringing down a power line. Someone has to put salt on the pavement to prevent ice so someone doesn’t get sued.

And yes, that someone is you, so you roll out of bed, into your best winter clothes, and hurry downstairs. If you’re fast, maybe you can get most of it done before you need to make breakfast. It's not a huge rush; you only have one guest right now, a tall man with red hair, and from the last couple days, you already know likes to sleep in. This snow, however, needs to be gone before your new guest arrives today, so snow first, then breakfast.

You take a deep breath, embracing the warmth of the house for just one last measly second, and go to open the front door.

It doesn’t budge.

Frowning, you double-check the lock, making sure the deadbolt is in the correct position. It is, so you try the door again.

It doesn’t budge.

You push harder.

It. Doesn’t. Budge.

With a grunt, you shove your entire body, every ounce of force you can manage, half-asleep, at seven in the morning, against the door.

It budges. Just a little, just a tiny crack through which you can see the… four feet of snow.

You’re snowed in.

Wonderful .

Shedding your winter gear as you go, you make your way to the sitting room, trying to figure out the next step. Maybe you could call for help? Pay a couple local teenagers to shovel your door free? You have to let your guests in and out somehow , what the hell were you going to do about this new guest-

Your phone buzzes in your pocket. Your work phone, so you dig it out of your five million layers, answering the call without even reading the caller ID.

“I have to cancel my reservation,” says the voice. “My train got cancelled because of the snow.”

You hang up the call with mixed feelings. That solves some of the urgency, but you would be lying if you said you weren’t disappointed about the missing income. Still, it gives you time to breathe, and think, and you hold your head in your hands for comfort.

You’re sitting there for so long (maybe you accidentally fell back asleep?), that when you look up, you jump. Your guest is awake, leaning against the entryway into the sitting room, one confused eyebrow cocked as he looks you up and down.

“We’re snowed in,” you say.

“I don’t have anywhere to go,” he says, nonchalant. He shrugs, gestures to the television above the fireplace. “I can entertain myself.”

For a second, just a single second, you allow yourself to feel relieved. Maybe you’ll get through this after all.

And with that, the power goes out.

“ Fuck. ”

 

It’s a delicate dance, carefully avoiding being in the same room as your lone guest.

It’s nothing against the guy, Tendou, you believe his name is, but it's… awkward. You can’t leave, you have to use flashlights to get around due to the lack of electricity and lack of sun (thanks again, snow), and you’re lowkey convinced that you’re living in a horror movie, because sometimes you’ll turn around without realizing he followed you into the kitchen and all you see is tall and red and oh my god , oh! It's just Tendou. Again.

You do what chores you can. Changing bedsheets with a flashlight in your teeth, setting out a couple ingredients for dinner (thank god you have a gas stove and can cook dinner at all), vacuuming downstairs ( battery-powered vacuum, thank god), etc.

The lights still don’t turn on.

In all honesty, with the holidays and this storm and on a Saturday , who knows how quickly they’ll get them up and running again.

You check the time.

It’s only eleven.

“Fuck. ”

 

Lunch is sandwiches. Normally, you don’t serve lunch, as most of your guests choose to go out themselves to get it, but that’s, unfortunately, not possible on this fine day. So instead, you throw together a couple cold sandwiches and bring them out to the sitting room.

Tendou is in there already, lounging on one of the couches, scrolling through his phone. At this point, most of the clouds have receded, so, from the light filtering in through the windows, you can see him without need of a flashlight. It’s a welcome change from the narrow beam that only seemed to pick up his ginormous red hair. When he notices you approaching, he clicks off his phone, and doesn’t quite smile out of joy, but gives an awkward, thankful half-smile, as he accepts the plate of food.

Halfway through your sandwich, the silence starts to grate on you.

“Sorry,” you say, setting down your sandwich. “I guess this isn’t how you imagined your holiday going.”

Tendou shrugs. “You can’t control the weather. Besides, I’m not sure what else I would be doing. I booked this trip on a whim.”

“Really? You don’t have anything that you wanted to do while you were out here?”

Tendou ponders the question, chewing on it like he chewed on his sandwich. Finally, he says, “Maybe eat. Find a local sweets shop.”

“There’s one on main street in town,” you say, and your mouth waters remembering some of the treats you’ve bought there. “They’re very good.”

“Good to know.”

It falls silent again (god, were you tired of the silent ), without even the ever-present hum of electronics to distract. You’re debating between your lackluster prepared get-to-know-you questions (top contenders are What do you do for work? and What’s your favorite food? ), when suddenly and without precursor, Tendou throws down his sandwich.

“I’m bored,” he announces, with the disbelief of a man that had never been bored before in his life. “I lied, I can’t entertain myself. Let’s say the snow never melts, lights never come on, what’s our game plan?

You snort. “ Our game plan? Please, after day three it's every person for themselves.”

“I like the way you think, that fear of being murdered will keep things interesting.”

“Exactly.”

Tendou laughs, gleefully. He laughs, and you realize very quickly that you want to make him do that again.

“I’d bet,” Tendou says, leaning back in his loveseat, a challenge in the curl of his lip. “Thirty-six hours in, one of us is jumping off a balcony to take out chances in the snow.”

“What, you think we can’t handle being around each other alone for thirty-six hours?”

Tendou shrugs. “You did threaten to kill me, your perfectly innocent guest, not thirty seconds ago.”

“Please don’t put that in your review.”

There it is again. That laugh. You’ve only seen it twice now, but you’ve already decided you like the way he laughs, throwing his whole body into it, an already expressive face devoted to that pure joy of laughter and humor.

Just two minutes ago, it had been awkward, silent, cold, but that that ice hadn't so much as broken as completely obliterated, like dropping an ice cube on pavement on a blistering summer day.

It's not summer, it's winter, and yet the chill of the big old house sans the central heating slowly fades away at the sound of Tendou's gleeful laughter.

"Why don't you have any decorations?" Tendou asks, once his giggles have subsided, and he glances about the sitting room. His voice takes a melodic, teasing lilt. "It's the holiday season , isn't it?"

Now that was a question you had been asking yourself recently. Everytime you walk past the attic ladder, you have half a mind to just get it over with, pull out the box and go crazy with the lights and tinsel, but you always hesitate with your hand on the door. Something about this year just didn’t feel real. It felt like you were stagnant in November, a weird limbo where the holidays never come.

It never seemed to feel real until it snowed. The first real snow that sticks.

Well. Crossed that bridge.

“I haven’t put them out yet,” you say, finally. “They’re up in the attic, I just haven’t had time to bring them out.”

“Let’s go then,” Tendou announces, pushing aside his empty plate and standing from the couch. “Lead the way.”

You blink up at him, trying to catch up with his leaps and bounds and grins. “Right now?”

“Do you have something else you need to be doing right now?”

Fair point.

It takes a fair amount of maneuvering to get the both of you into the cramped and dark attic. Thankfully, Tendou was smart enough to bring his phone with him, so he turns on the flash and directs it towards a group of cardboard boxes. There, scribbled with marker, it says holiday decorations , so you make some noise of triumph, carefully sliding between Tendou and another pile of boxes to reach the decorations. Unfortunately (fortunately?), that means the two of you are incredibly close, close enough that your sides brush and you can smell his cologne, something just a touch sweet, like the first whiff after walking into a bakery.

One hand bracing the box, you take a second to relax. It’s too much, him, this, that laugh, too much.

“Need help?” Tendou asks, leaning over your shoulder to peek at what it is holding you up.

You clear your throat, carefully inching around the boxes so that he’s not so close that you can smell that cologne. You go to lift the box, but before you can, Tendou tosses his phone to you, and as you fumble to catch it, Tendou picks up the box instead.

“Could you shine that light on the steps so I don’t kill myself?” Tendou asks, still smiling despite the giant, heavy box of holiday decorations in his hands. Silently, you do, and all three of you: the box, Tendou, and you, make it down the attic ladder and back down to the sitting room in one piece.

Tendou flips open the lid, revealing the mess of blue, white, red, and green.

The both of you get to work.

The first thing to come out of the box is the garland, plastic greenery with little lights, so the first strand goes on top of the fireplace, and as you go to head back into the entryway to wrap the second strand around the stairwell as well, Tendou unearths… the snowman.

It’s an old thing. Small, a little more cream-colored in the places it should really be white colored, with a missing button on its jacket. Where the rest of the decorations are clean, new, commercial, like an artfully staged set for a Hallmark movie, this piece is a little more… homely.

“And who is this guy?” Tendou asks, lifting the plush.

How to explain the snowman? In all honesty, you can’t even remember where it came from. Maybe it was a garage sale, bought as a joke? Maybe one of your employee’s kids had made it, hence why it had never been thrown away. In the end, you suppose it doesn’t matter, because over the years, it became a staple of your holiday decorations.

"Its my snowman. His name is Jeffery."

"Jeffery," Tendou repeats. "Alright."

With a giggle, you take the garland and continue on your way back to the stairwell.

You hear Tendou talking to the snowman, something unintelligible, until you manage to make out the word, "Fireplace."

“If you kill my snowman, I’m killing you,” you shout back, and Tendou’s laugh echoes through the whole downstairs.

When you return to the sitting room, you see the snowman resting peaceful on top of the garland, the centerpiece of the fireplace mantle.

Slowly, the pile of decorations in the box dwindles, and the room looks more and more holiday-esque, fairy lights and snowflakes and candles and garland abound.

Finally, the last decoration, one last snowflake to hang from the wall, is hung up, and the box is empty.

The clock in the corner reads 4 pm, and you wonder where all the time went. Wasn't it just noon?

You glance around the room again. The two of you did a good job, and you’re sure once the lights are on again, the view will be beautiful.

“We did good,” you remark, and when Tendou’s hand slips into yours, much softer and gentler than you expected, you don’t complain about it.

And then, with impeccable timing as always, the power comes back, starting with the hum of the heat making its way through the vents, and then the lamp in the corner flicks on, and then all the fairy-lights, twinkling bright, and, sure enough, its breathtaking in its entirety, and you feel that little rush that comes with the holidays.

You look at Tendou and Tendou looks at you and you both grin.

“We did really good.”

 

It’s a couple weeks before you check your bed and breakfast’s review page. Probably longer than you should have waited, and immediately there's one review in particular sticks out, so you click the link to read it in its entirety.

 

Tendou Satori 5 out of 5 stars

owner of B & B threatened to kill me on multiple occasions. 10/10 would stay again.

Successfully resisted the urge to write about Candlenights, you are very welcome. I was also super tempted to roll out the mistletoe this chapter too (it was gonna be hella smooth too), but nah, saving that for another chapter. Maybe I'll write it anyways and post it as an extra or smth. I'll see you in five days for Kuroo's! (Which is actually the first one that I wrote, like two weeks ago! I really like it 😌)

[theficplug]

{My Boyfriend Does My Makeup with Trevante}

{The YouTube Series}

Warnings: none , fluff

Trevante  finally had some time off after his latest film had wrapped and although you were both private about your relationship. You decided to give your boos (your viewers) something special for 307k. 

"Welcome to or back to my channel my boos. I have a special guest today. Everybody say hello to my boo bear. Who agreed to do the My Boyfriend Does My Makeup Challenge with me. Say hey baby." You say to him as he flashes his pearly whites at the camera and you can already tell you're going to have to filter the thirst comments. 

"Hey , I'm uh Trevante y'all probably have seen me in a few things. If I seem like that familiar face that you can't put a name to. That's why. Also looking forward to playing some characters that don't die halfways through." He says jokingly at the end before giving a shy awkward little nod to the camera. 

You take his hand in yours and nuzzle closer into his side to get him to relax a little. 

"What I think a lot of people don't know is that even though he's always in front of the camera. He's also kinda shy and doesn't like a lot of attention on him, but unfortunately for you baby is that BOI WE FINNA BE ON YOUR ASS IF YOU MESS IT UP." You say jokingly as you set out all of the makeup and a little cheat sheet to tell him where everything goes. 

You watch him break into a smile and throw his hands up.

"Ye of little faith. That hurts bae." He says pretending to be hurt with his hand over his heart dramatically. 

"I'm only joking. I believe in you. Gimme kiss?" you ask before he pokes his lips out for you to press a soft kiss to his lips. 

"Alright , I'm ready. Today we're gonna use the Fenty foundation? We're just gonna take Miss Riri's stuff and rub it in, all over the face. You don't really need a sponge or brush or any of that. That's all to get you to spend more money." He says to the camera as if he knows what he's doing. 

You try to hold in your laughter while looking at the camera and shaking your head.

"You're doing good Tre. I feel prettier already. What's the next step?" You ask him as you watch him work. His tongue slightly poking out as he's concentrated on getting your face to look "right". 

Sometimes you just get caught up in how beautiful and kind he is. He always takes care of you and tries his hardest to be involved in anything you're interested in.

"I feel you eyeing me while I work and lemme just say it's highly distracting ma'am. I'm a professional." He says jokingly before giving you a quick kiss. You tug at his bottom lip before kissing him again.

"SHE GETTING DEMONETIZED Y'ALL. We gotta keep it pg." He says before working his way down the little cheat sheet you've left him. 

"If you poke me in my eye. I'm swinging." You say to Trevante as he grips your chin gently while trying to apply eyeliner.

"Y'all see how she be treating me? Gon beat my ass in front of all of y'all like that.  Lemme stop before that's all over Twitter. Shhh, stop fidgeting let me get it right. " He says and you can feel the felt tip going past where the little flick needed to stop. 

"How do I look baby?" You ask as you batting your eyelashes at him and watch his face scrunch slightly at messing it up.

"Hollup it's whopped on that side. Give me a wipe from over there please. . . You said earlier that you wanted to ask me some questions." Tre says to you not bopping along to the soft music playing in the background.

"If you could not love me in this way anymore. Do you think you could love me in a different way? Because you know how when some people break-up. It's so traumatic for them that they can't bare being around the person that they were with because the love there is different." You ask the heavy hitting question that came from an insta sticker. This man was actually a giant teddy bear and pouting at your question.

"For the record I ain't going nowhere. This man put a ring on it." You say giggling and waiting for his response.

"I love you in all ways , always. You know that. But, I'm tryna think about what you're asking. You're saying if weren't together no more. Could I still love you? Absolutely, we were friends before even getting together. When we met in the makeup trailer. I knew that you were going to be important in my life. And that I was gonna love you in some way. But I am grateful that I get to love you this way. I get to love you romantically , emotionally, spiritually, and (cover your ears kids) physically. I'm in love with you." He says before giving the camera a wink and blowing a kiss at them. 

Your jaw drops slightly at his response. You could not be more in love with this man if you tried. You thought to yourself before leaning in to kiss his nose and then all over his face and finally his lips. 

"Damn, I mean I think I like you or whatever." You say to his as he smacks his teeth and shakes his head while laughing at your response. 

"I'm in love with you too Nemour. I only had 3 questions picked out. So here's my second one. When is the wedding? Someone on Instagram asked." You say to him as he nods 

"We have a date and it's in my fiancee's favorite season and that's about all I can tell you on that. But I'm sure when it's all said and done she'll put a cute little video package together for y'all." He says as he applies highlighter to your nose and you look at him before bursting into laughter.

"Of course. I promise my boos will be included into the wedding somehow, but Y'ALL lemme bring the camera in please look at how this man got my nose looking like a Christmas ornament. We're going on a lil date right after this. I'm finna be looking shhmmooking hot." You say sarcastically and he couldn't even stay pressed as he breaks out into laughter with you. 

"Okay so you're on the last part of my routine which is lips. So before you start I'll ask one last question from Twitter. It says what was our first impression of each other." You smile at the question remembering exactly what he was wearing and everything.

"Well I met you while working on the set of Predator. I was like damn okay lil chocolate drop. Can I get your number? No, but really I thought you were beautiful and funny and just like full of light. There were some early morning call times where I was just grumpy as hell and had to wake up at like 4am and have to hang off fake plane for who knows how long. But there you were in the trailer already dancing around to this one throwback song and giving everybody positive morning affirmations.

Just getting shit done too. I was just standing there watching you in your element. Your lil fro bouncing side to side as you swayed around getting all of your supplies together. And I remembered you ordered everybody breakfast with like Uber Eats or something. Your energy had me hooked from the start. I think I'm more of a morning person now because of you." He says as he picks out the lipstick color.

"You never told me that! That's so sweet boo bear. I was just trying to make everybody feel better 'cause those were some long ass hours. Trying to add all the lil scars and makeup and everything so early in the morning was a lot. But I got to spend more time with you so I wasn't complaining. My first impression of you hmmm. I think I was shocked at how beautiful you are! Wait , wait lemme explain. I've seen you before on that one Tyler Perry show as Ramsey before you got killed off. And just like when I found out you were going to be in that film. I was nervous as hell. And when you walked into the trailer with your beanie almost over your eyes and your headphones on like you were too cool for school. I knew I had to play it cool. I just like sauntered over to you and offered you a breakfast plate. It worked though. Cause you was grooving to Brandy too. After that I realized how you have the driest humor, and yet you are the funniest person I know. I mean like dad joke central with him. He be slapping his knee and everything y'all. But he could've been a whole comedian." You say to the camera and he waits for you to finish before he starts applying the deep plum shade of lipstick.

"My humor may be dry but you still be doing the scatter run when I do the Norbit voice." He says laugh softly at you already about to start wheezing. 

"Done?" You ask him as he sits back admiring his work. 

"I don't think I did too bad. Look" he says handing you the mirror as you look closely

"My lashes barely hanging on and my eyeliner doing the Cha Cha Slide but other than that I think it looks good. You did a good job baby." You say giving him a kiss as he smirks into it. Already getting the big head.

"I'm coming for your brand baby. Multi-talented." He says to the camera.

"Alright and with that I'mma end this video before his head gets even more inflated. I seen some juicer questions earlier but y'all there ain't no tea. We sexy but our own type of sexy. I gotta show y'all the photos from Halloween when we dressed as Marcus Burnett and Mike Lowry from Bad Boys... We're that couple."  You say chuckling softly.

"Alright my boos, y'all know what to do. Like , comment , and subscribe if you want. Turn on the notification bell so you can know when your faves fave post again. Who knows I might get him to do the No Hands Kissing Challenge for 400k. And an OnlyFans video for 1 million." You say half jokingly as it flies over his head for a moment before the lightbulb goes off. 

"I don't know about all that maybe 5 milli. Alright y'all , be kinder to yourselves and stay blessed. Byyyeeeee" He says in your voice as he does your outro and you couldn't wait to just wrap your arms around him and love on him. 

[inhanf-archived]

9. Languid

Aaaaah, this is the first fic I've ever posted, set post Season 13 with Morgan and Kate Callaghan joining the team for the party.

Warnings: Fluff, mentions of alcohol/intoxication.

----------------------------------------------------

The first soft rays of autumnal sunlight coming through the almost closed curtains was enough to make you groan and bury yourself under the duvet. You could hear Spencer chuckling and shifting to face you and let out a groan of disapproval at his mirth. 'You're a lot less loquacious than when I put you to bed'. Another, slightly more embarrassed groan was the only reply you gave and a feeble swipe when he laughed at your less than eloquent choice of communication.

'Don't be mean' you manage to mumble into your pillow. Keeping your eyes firmly closed against the headache inducing daylight you turned your body to mirror his. 'What time did we get in?' 'About 4, but by the time I got you to drink some water and get into bed it was closer to 5.' You vaguely remembered trying to get Spencer to dance with you in the dark living room but little else was coming back to you at the moment. 'Hows your head?' 'A little fuzzy and I'm not gonna be opening my eyes again for a while but I'm okay apart from that. Thank you for the water.' 'No problem. You got up to pee so many times I didn't think it would have any effect.' You grimaced, the bathroom was on his side of the room which meant you inevitably climbed over him several times. Drunk you was decidedly not a lady.

'Aside from herding my drunk ass home did you have fun?' 'Yeah I did. And you weren't that drunk. More happy girl drunk than incoherent mess drunk.' You were glad to hear that. The previous night you had brought your unsuspecting boyfriend to a surprise birthday party in the pub the team frequented. Spencer Reid wasn't known for his wild partying so it had been a small but lively affair, particularly after Morgan had bought them a round of shots and Kate had unearthed the kareoke cds. The BAU knew how to throw a party, you thought, smiling into your pillow.

You could feel Spencers hazel eyes on you so you attempted opening yours a smidge. He had pulled the blankets up around both of you to create an open air den. You both had claustrophobia issues but the blanket wall made the morning light more managable. 'Morning beautiful' he smiled, gently kissing your forehead. 'Good morning birthday boy' you grined back. 'Have you forgiven me for conspiring with your friends about the party?' He laughed and gently tucked a stray curl behind your ear, gently cuping your cheek with his palm. 'Of course. And after that rousing ABBA tribute you all did I think you can call them our friends now.' You groaned again, suddenly recalling the ABBA medley with its accompanying choreography a drunk you had attempted to coordinate. 'Not my finest performance.' you admitted with a grimmace. 'Instagram and I beg to differ.' Spencer grinned as your face dropped in horror. 'We're even for the blanket thief post now, truce, TRUCE.' he pleaded, giggling while you tickled his exposed stomach. Flopping back onto your pillow you let out a dramatic sigh. 'You're lucky I'm wrecked Dr Reid, that is a chasable offense'. You poked your tongue out at him and slid your cold feet between his warm calves. 'This will have to do' you yawned, sleepily smiling at his happy face. Spencer leaned over and kissed you softly. 'Go back to sleep love, we've a busy day of lounging around later.' 'Okay.' you mumbled, already halfway to doing just that. 'I love you asshole.' He chuckeled. 'Love you too dancing queen.'

[elizabethrobertajones]

I don't know if this will make sense but I'm kind of responding to your answer about Cas seeming different and wondering about your conclusion that Cas feels like a tool/needs to feel he deserves love and I feel like it's not wrong but like we're having to put all these pieces together and concluding instead of getting Cas' side of this from Cas? Like we had to get Mary's side from Dean and I'm wondering if that's just me? And if not, why aren't we getting more of Cas' story from Cas?

I think it is something that we can get directly from Cas or stuff that happens to Cas, but then I also got the impression of all of Mary’s stuff from Mary :P 

I think in 12x22 Dean had a lot of personal realisations about HIMSELF and told them all to Mary, but it was quite clear, but not to him until he realised it, that Mary was going to ignore him. If nothing else, immediately before he went into her head, she was paralleling demon!Dean in 10x03, tied to a chair in a very similar manner and recalling how Dean didn’t want to be saved there and was having all sorts of negative feelings about his family come to the surface for the first time in that way. 

So there was a context clue for us before he ever realised that she wasn’t going to be easy to reason with and want to be saved. Aside from that, her part in the season was to be perpetually depressed, suicidal, or in avoidance, running away from her family, and early on her guilt about them and loss was presented very clearly to us over the introductory run of episodes up to the halfway point. Since no good storytelling just tells us straight out what they’re thinking, only 12x02 had Mary just straight out tell us what she was worried about, but we’re supposed to be able to understand stories without that sort of exposition, and I think a lot of it was given to us in moments which weren’t that hard to read. I’ve written so much about her over this year and this question is about Cas, but anyway, I think her story was laid out well enough that it wasn’t like a surprise twist that she was feeling this way, and I don’t think it was supposed to be for anyone but Dean. 

Since you’re talking about what we can read, without much effort, I don’t think Mary’s story this season was at all difficult, and the only reason I can imagine people think it’s buried in the subtext is because we’re so used to being told that readings in the subtext don’t count for Destiel that we forget that normal readings of the story happen on all layers and when it’s not about the queer reading people in general can be expected to pick up an awful lot more even if they don’t know it - the sort of thing a casual viewer would be just “oh yeah right I remember” when you explain it to them, not needing a diagram, just a refresher that obviously the writers would remember the pilot of their own show when you point out the similarity between scenes or whatever. :P

So, I think we have got a lot of Cas’s story from Cas or so immediately about Cas we only need his mute reaction to a lot of lines to know how it applies to him.

This begins properly in 11x06, with some flashbacks to his earlier trauma, as an actual storyline ABOUT Cas and how he feels, but to go right back to the start, in the very first few interactions between Cas and Dean we get stuff like

DEAN:Of course you have a choice. I mean, come on, what? You’ve never questioned a crap order, huh? What are you both, just a couple of hammers?

and the follow up

CASTIEL:I’m not a… hammer as you say. I have questions, I have doubts. I don’t know what is right and what is wrong anymore, whether you passed or failed here.

I would consider 4x07 the start of Cas’s actual personal arc rather than just exposition angel, and his arc in season 4 is to learn to think for himself, along with being programmed back to being a tool for Heaven to use to help start the apocalypse. This opening to the whole saga uses the imagery of Cas as a tool to set up what his story will about, so from the get go Cas’s agency has been framed as NOT being a tool, against the very heavy threat of being used as one. So as a baseline basically any time that’s compromised he’s being used as a tool and it’s something he’s said about himself and has been said about him from the very beginning, so it’s a fundamental part of his characterisation.

Season 8, where I consider his proper personal arc to begin anew, also uses him in the tool of Heaven imagery, going back to the season 4 reprogramming thing by introducing Naomi and exploring how angels inherently don’t seem to have agency when following orders and working for Heaven. Cas is used as her weapon to deal with Heaven’s problems, and he earns his freedom at the end of the season really only at the hands of Metatron, who had a problem with Naomi that he’d been avoiding her for millennia and, fittingly, killed her with one of her own tools. (Of course, after their loyalties had shifted for us on screen so Naomi’s death was tragic and Metatron was clearly the villain.) This entire arc is about the angels’ agency as use as tools, and again is the start of how Cas’s story is being told - going from being used like this to the pure, terrifying freedom of being human with no strings at all.

In season 9 he takes grace back to be useful in the fight, and it starts a thing of angelic power being useful for him as a weapon in a way, that he needs it to fight, and to see himself as disposable for the sake of saving his friends and taking down Metatron, or why else take grace that will burn him out. Metatron spends the end of the season pulling Cas’s strings and using him as a puppet in his shadow play, and Cas wins back agency at the end of the season, metaphorically, by smashing the angel tablet, because he ends Metatron’s power to yank all the angels around - same shit different day in Heaven. Cas is also repeatedly asked about the grace and why he’s in the fight and so on, and his reluctance as a leader and setting aside personal feelings to self-sacrifice are all evident, so his self-worth and using himself up for the fight are some of the main themes for his personal arc that season.

In season 10 it gets more self-reflective - he’s allowing the grace to burn out and Hannah is trying to save him from himself but he refuses on the grounds that he’s not worth it. Crowley then saves him supposedly conscience free that Crowley did all the evil parts necessary to get Cas back in the game, and basically tells him he did it so he can point him at the Bunker to save/stop Dean. If Cas takes him at face value he didn’t do it to be sentimental (and this IS Cas after all) then it’s another use of Cas as a weapon to get the job done. Cas also tells Hannah that the mission is everything, above his own health and happiness. So that’s words direct from his mouth which betray his feelings of being useful only as a tool.

After he saves Dean he leaves to carry on working with Hannah rather than stop and hang out with them at the Bunker and get some down time with them - as he said to Hannah, the mission comes first and he sort of owed it to her after derailing it to saving Dean and putting that above everything. When the “mission” runs out of steam and Hannah leaves, Cas immediately turns his attention to checking up on Claire, and by the time Dean reaches him for the Burger Date, Cas is feeling openly dejected and useless and Dean accuses him of having a mid life crisis :P I love this whole scene but anyway Dean nails how Cas feels, I think, and it’s written all over his face and preceding scenes that he was trying to be useful because he’s finally cut loose from Heaven’s demands, and all other missions, with that same freedom he had suddenly in 8x23, but still an angel and with no other way to direct it than trying to find new missions:

DEAN:Cas, listen to me. There’s some stuff you just got to let go. Okay? The people you let down, the ones you can’t save … You got to forget about them. For your own good.

I think this conversation is really good for showing us through Dean realising these things about Cas that he’s just trying to be useful and desperately searching for something to do - Dean sees he’s basically working through a checklist of stuff he feels he’s done harm to the world over, and I think he understands from knowing Cas just how Cas acted with Claire the night before, repeatedly trying to help her to the point of pestering her, so she ran away and didn’t want to be helped, at least not by having a guardian angel suddenly shadowing her everywhere. And certainly not this one :P Anyway Cas persists and gets a sort of mixed victory there by the end of the season, with Claire accepting their help, resolving the stuff with Amelia, and Cas getting to see her sent to safety, and Claire hugs him in gratitude…

Meanwhile, through the rest of his part of the season, he just wants to help save Dean, and spends a large chunk of the season off-screen searching for something to help, and does so with a determination that has Heaven turn against him for putting saving Dean first (the final pay off of the stuff that started between him and Hannah in 10x02, that he wouldn’t let her free Metatron to save him, but he frees Metatron to save Dean). Sam convinces him to do one good thing for HIMSELF and get his grace back so he won’t die, and ends up stuck with Metatron berating him for his personal moral failings for an entire episode, culminating in 

METATRONBrothers and sisters? Listen to you. Still spitting out the company line like anyone cares. Like we’re actually a family? When what we really are – are a bunch of glowing lights filled with self-loathing or delusions of grandeur. Or both.

CASTIELYou shut up!

METATRONNo! If I’m gonna die, I want answers. Like, who are you now? Like, you’re obviously not an angel of the Lord. And what about all of this walking the earth like Caine from “Kung Fu” crap? Cleaning up Heaven’s messes. How many more rogue angels are there out there? And, what are you gonna do once you’re done with all that? Go back to Heaven? Please. The angel formerly known as Hannah has restored order up top. Smoothest it’s run since God cut the ribbon on the pearly gates. So tell me, Castiel, truly, what is your mission now?

CASTIELYou shut up and keep looking.

In part this is about his identity and loyalties but on this subject it’s also highlighting how he’s looking for missions and has started to lose his agency/identity to the need to do that exactly like back in season 4 when working mindlessly for Heaven was equated to being a hammer. This rant has the subtext that he’s doing the same for Dean, with that nice “Caine from Kung Fu” link because I don’t think you can mention “Caine” without “Mark of Cain” zooming immediately to mind in season 10. We’ve also not seen him do any missions for Heaven since 10x07 and anyhow this is after he breaks up with Heaven officially rather than Hannah just leaving him to do his own stuff; now he’s a wanted criminal. After this, his story pretty much fizzles out for the season except for 10x20, and showing up to help the Winchesters with the Mark, which he does past the point of the fight with Dean in 10x22 (where he swears he’ll stick with Dean and watch him murder the world - yikes Cas). I think this fight is the earliest trauma from his 11x06 flashbacks. After, he heals himself, and next time we see him, is just chatting to Sam about what next. 

Rowena picks up the mocking where Metatron left off, notably calling Cas a dog that thinks he’s people (because she has watched a lot of the Simpsons I guess? :P) and then at the end of the season, the reward for all his troubles, she casts the attack dog spell on him, which is the most obvious way to take away his agency and turn him into a weapon to kill Crowley. I think it’s also very much a commentary on how he was used in season 10 - that Rowena showing up late to hang with the main crowd identifies Cas as nothing more useful than an attack dog. Mary will do the same later.

So, that gets us to 11x06, where Cas is shown having traumatic flashbacks, another reminder of the “dog that thinks it’s people” line, and then we see from Sam and Dean’s POV a sympathetic conversation about Cas, which when Dean phones Cas, seems to be way more “up and at em, we need to you do stuff for us again”, where Dean seems to us sympathetic and worried, we can also see from Cas’s perspective that he’s depressed and ill and wants to stay in and not be a part of this fight right now, because he’s been so horribly hurt by it lately, mostly for reasons beyond his control rather than any noble self-sacrifice. It was just an endless string of trying to help and having his agency taken away and getting hurt or hurting people as a result of it. The flashbacks don’t go as far back as 8x17 of course, but in 11x03 he beats Dean up in a parallel to that moment, and the links are all there that this keeps on happening to Cas. 

He eventually pulls the trenchcoat back on to report for duty, leaves the house, gets the demon tablet, and goes through a whole new round of mocking from Metatron.

METATRONYou have gone full wuss. I don’t know what it was that happened, but whatever it was, you are scarred…deep, paralyzed by trauma, by fear. I mean, look at you. You can’t even hit me!

(Castiel punches Metatron in the face)

CASTIEL (grabbing Metatron by the collar again)It’s not fear.

[…]

METATRONOkay. So I misjudged. You’re not scared. You’re mad. And I get it.I mean, it must suck being everyone’s tool, manipulated and used by the angels, by your enemies-

-by your friends.

the “by your friends” is important for telling us that Cas feels this way because of season 10 especially (Sam and the Book of the Damned is not addressed directly very much but in 10x18 he lies directly to Cas about it before the rest of the pizza party show up, before getting Cas to help later anyway), and also Dean’s comments from the start of the episode wheedling Cas back into helping.

At the end of the episode Dean and Cas are furious with each other over losing Amara and Metatron and Cas is covering up all this hurt that Metatron has put out in the open for us - as a great way to be Cas’s dark inner voice vocalised for our benefit, so we can guess why he’s lashing out, and Dean is lashing out for reasons we can understand from his problem with Amara’s control over him. They’re at an understanding impasse, because they both feel manipulated and controlled and helpless but for different reasons, this time Dean under the supernatural influence, Cas under his own trauma and lack of self-worth, and maybe even doubts sown about how much he can trust or rely on his friends to care for him.

This of course leads to 11x10 and once again a seemingly tender conversation between Dean and Cas if we see it from Dean’s side and Cas comes when he calls, tries to tend to him when he’s sick, and Dean says things to Cas going off to confront Amara which are Dean’s way of being concerned and reaching out for Cas, but Cas as the previous episode with him established, is not going to understand anything but clear speech from Dean about this, so from his POV we see him once again rushing to Dean when he’s needed, and a combination of being sent into danger (Dean offers to come but Cas doesn’t want him to turn to salt and says no, but legitimate reasons aside, he’s still being sent alone), and Cas volunteering to do something dangerous on Dean’s behalf. He then walks right into Ambriel:

Ambriel: Well, that’s why we’re here, right? I’m a number cruncher and you… like I said, I’ve heard the stories. You help. But Sam and Dean Winchester are the real heroes. So, if the Darkness is still alive and she’s pissed… and she kills us… no big loss. So sure, maybe we’re not super important, but we do the job. You know… I think there’s nobility in that.

Once again someone else vocalises for us what Cas might be feeling, or the words which will cut deepest and make him feel the worst, building on what has been already clearly explained in the text. Amara repeats this, adding he’s not worth killing, uses him to send a message she’d rather carve into him than rely on him to repeat himself, and Cas goes and says yes to Lucifer - in this show’s language one of the most awful ways to give up your agency and through the conversation between Sam and Lucifer in the rest of the episode, obviously a way to be a tool of use for a bigger purpose.

SAMCas? Why?

CASTIELI wanted to be of service to the fight. And only Lucifer can beat her.

[…]

CASTIELI can’t! It’s taking all my strength to keep him from killing you. And besides, we need him!

SAMNo Cas, we don’t. We’ll find another way to stop Amara!

CASTIEL(Shakes his head) We need him to save Dean.

Cas sacrifices his agency to save Dean in 11x14, and explains his earlier motivation to be useful in the fight. 

I think we have to go all the way back to the Burger Date in 10x09 for the last round of this conversation but once Cas and Dean are talking normally again, Dean once again tries to understand and to make Cas feel better when Lucifer did not turn out to be any help whatsoever and Amara does part 1 of giving Dean back the things he needs most (I mean come on 12x22 pretty much made that canon :P):

DEAN:No, no, no. It wasn’t stupid.

[…]

DEAN:No, but it was our best shot, and you stepped up.

CAS:I was just trying to help.

DEAN:Well, and you do help, Cas.

[…]

DEAN:You know, sometimes me and Sam have got so much going on that…we forget about everyone else.

This is the sort of thing Cas needed to hear a long time ago and before he did any of these things, and a small reassurance far too late that Sam and Dean care about him. Still, he ends the season on good footing with Dean, mostly. He offers to go with him into the fight and Dean says no, because he wants Cas to be alive for, well, Cas being alive reasons. He tries to cheer him up with a PURPOSE, to look after Sam once Dean is dead and wowwww that is a poisoned gift because it’s the codependency’s prime motive from Dean - “take your brother outside as fast as you can!” all handed over to Cas :P 

Cas immediately loses Sam, comes crawling out of that crater full of fury and disrespect for random humans and their property if it gets him back to the Bunker - and walks right into Dean alive and well. Aww, happy ending! 

Hm.

Somewhere in the first 20 minutes of the episode before this moment, Mary gets a pretty good idea of how useful it is to have an angel around to do your bidding, pick up your laundry, and beat up mooks for you:

CASTIEL HEADBUTTS JAMIE TWICE.

DEAN Cas!

MARYThat’s an angel?

Cas’s attack dog dynamic is now in focus, that he has his agency, he’s back with the family he loves, but do they love him? Dean squishes him happily, but I figured he was letting Cas menace the driver because Cas is kinda terrifying at getting info and also Dean understands failing rule no.1, look out for Sammy. Since Cas failed it this time when Toni banished him, he knows how Cas feels and lets him do the talking, but also, out of concern and understanding, tries to rein Cas in when he’s hurting the dude. 

Mary’s impression is forming now that however close Cas is as a friend, he’s also someone who attacks on command for them in defence of their family. Oops. I think I said this in that other post that Cas doesn’t quite understand his dynamic with Dean because of all this trauma from earlier, that he doubts his worth, and Mary seeing the surface text instead of how much Dean cares about Cas as more than this, stamps a seal on it, that this is how Cas’s dynamic with Dean comes across to others who don’t know them. And is part of Cas’s deep misunderstanding of his own worth.

Then we get the BMoL and what is probably most of the last year’s worth of content in my Dean vs dogs tag:

MICK: Not to mention I powered down all the wardings in this shack so your attack dog could come in. I reckon you could finish me off without breaking a sweat. Am I right?

[…]

KETCHYou. Angel. Wipe their memories.

U.S. government plates. Elite dogcatcher level. Someone special wants you. Whose hydrant have you lads been tinkling on?

Both Mick and Ketch on their intro immediately class Cas as the Winchester’s attack dog. Ketch himself happily admits to being a point-and-attack dog, preferring mindless orders to just go kill whatever someone else decides needs killing. This imagery is applied to all of the family except Sam through the season - Cas here, Ketch in 12x14 comparing himself to Dean, and later to Mary, and Mary in 12x22 killing the cold open hunter with what look like claws as her weapon while she’s been brainwashed to be their attack dog in a parallel to just about every time Dean or Cas have lost their agency through basically the entire show. Like, going straight from controlled by Naomi to demon!Dean in a couple of scenes :P 

(As I’ve been scrolling the transcripts list I also remembered in 12x06 there’s the metaphor of Asa’s angel blade that he kept in a velvet box as his best tool for killing demons, while to Dean it’s a familiar, friendly object and he does not see it as a velvet box thing or necessarily a tool in the same way Asa would have. Obviously Cas is the angel blade in this metaphor :P Although this isn’t telling us so directly, I thought I’d mention it.)

Cas through most of the season keeps his agency and instead deals with what his worth is. He blatantly talks to Mary about belonging in 12x03 and decides to leave based on feeling like she deserves to get Sam and Dean’s attention more, and that he can go on without them and go hunt Lucifer alone because they will want to be with her more. His absence from the family dinner in 12x02 silently suggests this is coming. 

When they meet back up in 12x07 they work fairly equally and Cas even gets some of the best leads and insight to get them to Lucifer, but when they arrive there he immediately volunteers to buy them time, at his own expense and belief he’s ruined everything. 

Castiel: I’ll take Lucifer. He’s my responsibility.

Sam: No, he’s not. He’s all of our responsibility.

Castiel: Well, the only way you’ll clear that crowd without drawing fire is if he’s otherwise engaged.

Dean: Engaged in what, Cas? Killing you?

Sam: Cas, you’ll last…three minutes tops.

Castiel: Then I’ll buy you three minutes.

Dean expresses concern over Cas, but I think honestly 12x12 showed the level Dean needs to reciprocate to Cas’s expressed feelings for Cas to feel confident in how much they love him, because 12x10 and “I’m not mad, I’m worried” and them sticking around to die for Cas/save him if they can/not leave him while he’s dying, still wasn’t enough to prove they cared more about Cas alive and with them than just being good people who deserved protecting because they care for him, probably because they’re good human people who would love and protect everyone indiscriminately. Mary’s presence also helps defuse this from being personal, per say, as using the entire living Winchester family as an example of how good humanity is, to Cas, if you look at them in a molecular way. If he sees himself as sadly too disposable as an angel to be a proper part of this group, and that they’re just so good they’d act with this kindness towards him because that’s what they ALL do.

(Cas has probably got to realise off-screen that the Colt was what almost got him killed, since he knows about it in 12x19, and he knows the Winchesters have it so Heaven clearly has up to date, detailed intel - we are not just missing Dean’s reaction to knowing what Mary did in 12x12, although without Cas presence, in 12x14 Dean basically kicks Mary out for betraying Sam’s trauma with the BMoL AND nearly getting Cas killed, standing up for Cas full of indignant rage that Cas presumably has no idea Dean would feel and do on his behalf…)

Mary’s arc with understanding Cas resolves in the midseason as she realises Cas has suffered a loss as well as her, but not before saying more things to make him feel horrible about his DUTY to protect the Winchesters, as she sees him as the angel she promised her sons:

MARY: You left them.

CASTIEL: No, I… Dean told me to go. The woman–

MARY: The one you lost?

CASTIEL: I didn’t. I… I thought that she–

MARY: Stop making excuses.

[Cas looks down, and Mary sighs heavily]

MARY: Why… if they needed help, why didn’t they call me?

CASTIEL: You were out.

MARY: [sighs] How did we let this happen, Castiel?

If Cas wasn’t having an ongoing self-confidence/worth crisis her switch to understanding over this short scene would have probably helped more, but she lashes out and blames him, and only backtracks to understand she is to blame as well, and expresses this as a joint problem, without absolving Cas. It plays similar to 11x06 and Dean and Cas’s argument at the end, but Mary not realising she’s to blame until she’s already in the argument, which defuses it more than Dean and Cas butting heads both feeling awful and blaming the other from the start. 

However, she doesn’t give much ground there, and they meet months later to catch up, and Cas expresses how he was too insecure and scared to finish a hunt, which Mary then does for him - their bonding is tentative and not particularly great for reassuring Cas. Mary OUGHT to have turned it into an entire MotW for just the 2 of them where she nurtures Cas through the hunt and boosts his self-confidence by letting him lead and nudging him kindly through the steps, you know, in an ideal world where character development happens instantly instead of slow-cooking for 3 seasons :P 

Still, by the end of the episode they’re more equal and by the end of 12x12, Mary calls Cas “one of her boys”, probably through the trauma of almost getting Cas killed and realising how TFW see each other as family, and Cas including her in his rant in 12x09 and his “I love all of you” speech there. This change happens AFTER Mary (who is a lot like Dean) understands Cas is more than an attack dog and shows care for him, on a much much smaller scale, less fucked up, version of this relationship.

In 12x15 Cas doesn’t give much away to Kelvin, but after the mixtape conversation in 12x19 Dean only manages to convince Cas further that he should take on the burden of murdering Kelly for the sake of the planet without Dean being responsible for the death of an innocent, he tells Kelvin straight out exactly how much he values himself over the Winchesters and how much he cares about Heaven and his old sense of belonging that has long been lost since Hannah:

Kelvin: You’re doing the right thing, you know. Committing to Joshua’s plan, putting angelkind above the Winchesters. I mean, your reputation in Heaven is – Castiel: This has nothing to do with my reputation. I am doing this for the Winchesters. I-I stole the Colt to keep them out of this mission and to keep them safe from Dagon, and I – I will kill this girl so that Sam and Dean don’t have to.

His entire end of season drama spins from him choosing to deceive them and steal from them for their own safety and at his own expense, building on stuff that has been clearly communicated either negatively at Cas by villains, Mary while she’s upset, or through conversation and misunderstanding from Dean, and at this point he voices clearly that he is disposable and a tool that will be used on their behalf to protect them. 

And in the end when he reaches Kelly, he is MORE than a tool that kills for them; he has a heart and he spares her. 

Castiel: Please don’t thank me. I had a mission and I failed. 

Aka he was defining himself by his mission again, and feels worthless now he couldn’t protect them. He even falls back on letting Heaven tell him what to do, and TRYING to act as their tool to resolve this because maybe giving his service back over to them will help him achieve his personal goals. And working with Heaven, always, has been a partial loss of agency, even as a metaphorical loss in this battle.

Castiel: No, it isn’t. I used to believe in a plan. I used to believe that I had some mission. But I have been through enough now to know that everyone is just winging it. Some of us quite badly.

He expresses his loss of purpose and how he feels he’s failed again, this time in the context of not being able to be a tool for Heaven, following a plan where his agency didn’t matter. (Although 12x10 shows Cas in the past doing this and still flinching and showing us he always had that crack Naomi mentioned, which in 4x07 he expresses to Dean. And in this episode is how he can’t kill Kelly, because he DOES have agency and isn’t just a tool.) It’s all still in here, everything that’s ever been expressed on this subject about Cas before.

Castiel: I know. I wanted to keep you out of this. I-I was trying to keep you safe.Dean: You’re not our babysitter, Cas, okay? That is not your job. And when in our whole lives have we ever been safe? Castiel: This is my responsibility because it is my plan.

Dean specifically calls out Cas’s sense of obligation to them, because as with 10x09 and 11x23, he does understand SOME of what Cas goes through, just as in 4x07 their final conversation meant so much because Cas was literally summing up Dean’s entire life vs John’s orders, through his own experience with Heaven. 

He sort of understands but he doesn’t get just how worthless Cas feels or he’d be able to argue from another POV or to get right in deep explaining how he has felt in similar situations and empathise. He probably hasn’t been on directly the same page as Cas since 5x17 and that crappy fathers bonding moment, before their emotional paths began to complicate away from understanding each other again. He needs to understand the root of the depression and worthlessness and how he has his own part in it, which 12x01 showed very clearly through Mary, that Cas misinterprets Dean and doubts that they’re equal enough to trust his gestures of love (hence returning the mixtape as a symbolic gesture of that)

12x12′s demonstration of love just makes him more determined to be their guardian angel than to come home and eat pizza with them every night. Dean needs to address his own part in it rather than empty reassurances about Cas “babysitting” them. Mention of pizza and babysitter in this paragraph accidental. Sort of. :P Anyway that’s a surface level thing - that Dean thinks Cas is babysitting them and doesn’t think THEY can handle it despite evidence to the contrary of many averted apocalypses, or that Cas just thinks they need protection because they’re squishy humans and he’s an angel. He SAID out loud in 12x12 for them to leave so he didn’t have to watch them die, but I don’t think Dean has internalised this idea of how much Cas cares about them because his approach is not nuanced enough to understand why Cas keeps on slipping through his fingers this episode. Not because Dean doesn’t get nuance, but because he has missed the important parts where Cas is ground down to feel awful, and sees Cas as stronger than he really is, part of his own issues connecting to Cas or trusting his own feelings will be reciprocated there, as he still may not have Cas down from the angel pedestal he has him on, when he sees the surface layer of all this or assumes Cas understands him and his gestures (like just giving Cas a mixtape without making it clear beforehand it was a gift for Cas to keep, apparently).

I paralleled Cas’s feelings here to 6x20 and I think the confrontation is the same but as if Dean caught Cas during the raking leaves thing or soon after it. It hasn’t escalated yet but the reasoning Cas has for turning away and going with Crowley is the same reason he left with Kelvin and stole the Colt. The escalation follows when it goes out of control, and Kelly steals the car with Cas in it, the inevitable part in season 6 where Cas is beyond reach and helpless to the leviathans (though Jack in season 13 will probably be way less overtly evil, if at all if they get the win on this one). But yeah,in 12x19, think of the car as Cas and Kelly and Cas within it as parts of his psyche, which Kelly taking over and making off with him as the part of him bound to duty and and the Mission, and Cas in the backseat the reasonable, doubting, faithless Cas we know and love.

From there he has a loss of clear agency while helping Kelly, with Jack reaching through him and giving him the power to kill Dagon, picking him as a guardian angel and giving Cas a horrifying vision of blissful paradise and pure faith to influence him to help, which in this show’s language we just plain do not trust, no matter how Jack turns out, in the immediate moment of what happens to Cas, in the show’s language this is awful. And because of it Cas goes to his inevitable death to protect Kelly as a metaphor for his guardian angel problems, made clear across the season and drawing on his entire history of struggling with these things, and dies while fighting to protect the Winchesters from Lucifer at his own expense, a senseless rush in to fight and protect, where his own safety probably did not even cross his mind. 

SO to get to the actual question about how if/when Dean confronts Cas about this, and if it needs to be said (and I don’t need to answer “why not” in this case for how I see it >.>) I do think the entire thing is already in the text for us, and the entire point is Dean missing the point, the point being how much Cas loves him unreservedly and the point of doing literally anything to protect him because it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy of worthlessness and measuring his success in protecting Dean.

We’ve always generically as a fandom seemed to love the “angels are watching over you” line because we have felt like Cas was doing that for Dean in a way. It’s romantic to take as an innocent comment Cas will be there for Dean one day.

But I think this season took all the previous exploration of this which was already on the table, especially since the end of season 10/start of season 11 as an arc that directly affected Cas’s health, and turned Cas’s guardian angel instinct into something as directly bad for him as extreme codependency gestures are for Sam and Dean, like Sam in 8x23, I think Cas stealing the colt and telling Kelvin why is almost exactly as bad as Sam saying he doesn’t want to fail Dean and be replaced by someone Dean loves more than him. Or Dean’s speech in 2x22 before he sells his soul about how he always had to look out for Sam. I think this is actually all on the table for change and for Cas to hopefully come out of it healed, but I think mainly what Dabb era did was look at how broken Cas was in previous seasons and try and pick a direction to get him to that healing point, and season 12 was for getting him to the worst possible point of it in order for him to have a rock bottom to be reclaimed from and to show us how bad it could get, from hurting friends, to loss of agency, to death for Cas. Killing him for this reason would HOPEFULLY mean to bring him back with its weight symbolically killed from him.

(I also think Jack’s influence thankfully takes the burden of ruining Cas off of Dean’s shoulders somewhat but he still should ideally realise he’s done this to Cas, inadvertently, through misunderstanding.)

Anywho. If you read it like this, I think 12x19 absolutely laid out the entire thing from Cas’s side already, which is why it’s now Dean with the onus to realise and have the similar confrontation as 12x22 with Mary. Like I said, it’s a long term thing for Cas so I think there are some things which may get resolved while he’s dead that probably won’t relate directly to Dean and it may not be until, like, the end of season 13 or something until Dean can talk to Cas and work it out, but I think the text has been plainly saying how Cas feels and what’s wrong with him in incredibly big writing, and Cas himself expressed many of these things out loud or said things that will be easily taken to be a part of this sorry collection. It’s definitely not mysterious to me, or something I feel that Cas has to say much more about to make it obvious, anyway.

I suppose he will probably express how he feels another time anyway, but I think all the groundwork has been very clearly laid and the putting together and drawing conclusions we do is very much from the surface text of what I feel the show has been trying to convey about Cas’s feelings all along. When you ignore the Destiel elements of many of these moments (because somehow that makes it more subtext and people won’t credit what you’re saying as main text) specifically for Cas’s mental health, the picture is clear enough I don’t think anyone would say it’s only subtext or that there’s serious work we have to do to understand it, when Cas had PTSD flashbacks on screen at one point, and continually expresses his lack of worth or has his lack of worth told to him. Again, I wouldn’t think it’s a surprise or something deep down in the text that has not been clearly told to us already, many times.

And since this has been almost entirely a Cas and Dean problem, I would expect this to have to resolve around Dean and not Sam or Sam n Dean or Mary or anything else. Which is why I think the actual resolution will come from Dean’s realisations about it and using him to talk Cas through it, because Cas himself has felt or been told ALL these things in very negative ways already, and I think he needs a friend to help him out. But like with Mary, something that’s already clearly in the text about WHY Dean needs to help him.