#we'll see how it goes and how this schedule keeps affecting me

[mystery-salad]

I think I need a break...

The lack of sleep from having a day job is starting to really affect me on top of a couple other things that are hitting much harder now that I'm on a medication that tempers more obvious issues. And these are pushing me into a state that has me very terrified I've pushed everyone away.

So I'm stepping back for a while until I can rationally not assume the worst of my actions in my own and others' spaces.

[prettygirl-gabi]

Darl+ling You

Rating: General Audiences

Warning: Fluff, mention of lung surgery, hospital, care giving (mainly from S.coups), recovery, mention of 2521 ( a realistic k-drama that broke me to pieces) Happy ending I swear!!

Category:F/M

Fandom: Seventeen (SVT) (boyband)

Relationships: !Idol-boyfriend S.coups x !f non-idol reader

Summary: You are going through something that is going to be very life changing for you and S.coups, but you try to keep pushing for him, yourself and everyone else.

P.s. this is based off my current experience with being sick, and I just wanted to write about it with one of my comfort idols. S.coups, but mainly all of svt, and a few more kpop groups and idols have been keeping me out of a dark place since I've been diagnosed with my chronic histoplasmosis disease in my left lung.

ScScScScScScScScScScScScScScSc

As you lay in your hospital bed, weak and vulnerable after the lung surgery, S.Coups never left your side. He held your hand tightly, providing comfort through his mere presence when he could be there.

"Hey babe, how are you feeling?" S.coups said as he gently brush your wild hair out of the way. You smile softly, yet full of pain that can be seen. "Ugh... I'm in pain but having you here makes it bearable."

S.Coups pout slightly as he puts your hair in a silk bonnet that look brand new. "I'm not going anywhere; I'll be right here with you until you're back on your feet."

Throughout your time together at the hospital, S.Coups took on various roles - caregiver, cheerleader, and confidant. He made sure you, his darling Y/n followed all medical instructions while also showering you with love and affection.

"Ya, Y/n don't forget to take your medication on time; it will help speed up your recovery." He says in a soft tone as he breaks your pill in half so it'll be easier for you to swallow.

You roll your eyes at him with a cheesy grin on your face. "I hate taking pills... but if it means getting better sooner so we can go on that vacation we planned... I maybe can make an exception."

"Exactly! We have so many adventures waiting for us once you're fully recovered... plus I owe you front row seats to our concert that's coming to town soon, and the boys really want to see you." He stated as he sat one the recliner that was in your room.

Slowly as the weeks progressed with you getting better the conversations were filled with laughter, and light banter as you reminisced about past memories; plus shared dreams for the future. You loved how he found a way to take time off... to fly to the hospital that you had surgery at during his busy schedule all for you.

One evening while watching Twenty-five, Twenty-one together; your eyes filled with tears as you thought about the uncertainty of her condition.

Pausing the show, you sit up with tears in your eyes. "What if something goes wrong, Seungcheol?" You asked as you look at the wires and medical machines you were hooked to.. trying to contain the tears that weren't fully out of your eyes. "What...what if it comes back but worse like the doctor said it would if they didn't... they didn't get it all out of me."

S.Coups quckily shushed you and pull you closer into his body as he laid in the hospital bed with you. "Hey, hey, hey darling..don't think like that. You're strong, and we'll get through this together. I love you... Y/n my sweet darling, and I made a promise to you when we made us official, baby. Thorough thick and thin, me and you til the end... princess."

You sighed as you look in his eyes for any tells of him lying to you, but giving in once he kisses the tip of your nose. "I love you too, and I thank you for all that you have done for me while being a busy man for yourself." You say as you try to catch your breath once again for the 3rd time that day.

He just shushed you once more in a caring yet loving way, and turned Twenty-five, Twenty-one back on. "Let's focus on Na Hee-do and Baek Yi-jin for now, yeah." He stated as he wiped your tears and kissed your left temple.

S.Coups' unwavering support and reassuring words provided you with the strength to face your fears head-on. As days turned into weeks, the growth of your health gradually improved, thanks to S.Coups' constant care and encouragement... even with his busy schedule as an idol.

Finally, the day arrived when you were discharged from the hospital. S.Coups couldn't hide his excitement as he helped you and your mom who was also taking rotation shifts with him pack your belongings.

S.Coups pushes you in the wheelchair to the car as he thinks about what he is planning to feed you when your mom isn't feeding you what she has cooked with love for you. "No more hospital food! We can finally enjoy your favorite homemade meals again."

You shook your head with a chuckle as you both reach the car. "And no more uncomfortable beds! I can't wait to sleep in my old yet still cozy bed." You state as you get in your moms freshly cleaned car to head to your childhood home to recover properly, and safely.

You and S.Coups knew that your love had triumphed over adversity, and so much more. The both of you were ready to face whatever challenges life threw your way, knowing that together the both of you could conquer anything, especially with the love, and care you had for each other.

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Thank you for reading! 🩵🩶

-Mrs.Cody-Song

[peachymilkandcream]

Break Me Slowly|Part 17|Yandere Levi x Evelyn

(A/N: Back into the writing game, keeping the chapters going and coming out hopefully on schedule. If they take a bit longer then they do but we'll see what happens! Also I'm making a lot of lore about the Titans so bare that with a grain of salt :) And Erwin is still alive for all this so it'll be kind of interesting to see what his output would have been if he was still alive)) WARNINGS: noncon, dubcon, manipulation, domestic abuse, yandere themes, forced marriage, forced pregnancy, stockholm syndrome, violence, mind breaking, misogyny, vaguely implied suicide, etc.

==========================================

Evelyn ran through the woods, ignoring the pounding in her ears as her heartbeat increased with each step. Where Levi was now she wasn't sure, she wasn't sure why she cared all that much. If she had an ounce of sense she would get rid of the child and be done with Levi, hope he died in whatever fresh hell awaited him in the forest. So then why did she care now? Why deep down was she hoping he'd be okay? There was something wrong with her, he was getting to her, maybe it was something he did, something that affected her like this.

Unexpectedly, a wave of guilt washes over her. This is what she wanted, she had begged, pleaded with Eren oh so long ago to get rid of Levi for her. She remembered sneaking out when that fool of a housekeeper, meant to be her guard, wasn't looking. They had met in secret, the three of them, Floch, Eren, and her sorry self. She was so desperate then, so desperate to escape. Eren could have been just another person who was going to turn her in to Levi, but he'd believed her. They both had.

"So what are you going to do about it?" Eren had asked.

"I don't know anymore, I've tried to escape, but he always knows where I am." She had been crying, hands raking through her hair as she tried to keep herself in check.

"But you don't have the guts to kill him. To put poison in his tea and be free. You're a slave."

Those words hurt, but they were right. She was a slave, something she could fix but she could never get the courage to actually do it. Her mind was conflicted with the reality of what he'd done to her versus the fond memories of childhood friendship. No matter how bad it got, she didn't think she could just kill him. If it failed....she probably wouldn't live to try it again.

"You're right, but I just can't do it. I'm too scared Eren....what should I do?"

Eren goes silent for a moment, thinking of how he wanted to go about things. Although they were never close, she knew Eren had a strong sense of justice, he had told her that his plan was to destroy Marley in a small scale Rumbling so that their biggest threat would be gone. That's what he needed her for, the conflict with Marley had taught her a lot when it came to the Titan she was too cowardly to use. Something regarding being the direct descendant of Ymir, a branch of the original daughters, the youngest who allegedly was shunned from the line of royalty and reduce to nothing more than a peasant. From what Eren had said that's what Evelyn's titan was, the original Titan of Ymir, separate from the Founder, a gift to the youngest. Now of course records were lost and things were jumbled, for all she knew Eren could be making it up to hide his true purpose. But for her freedom she would just have to trust him.

"Regardless of your situation, Levi's a problem. He could wreck everything we're trying to do." He pauses, formulating his thoughts. "I'll adjust the original escape plan. Maybe put a bug in Erwin's ear that Levi should be the one to guard him. He might be Humanity's Strongest, but it's impossible he could kill that many Titans and Zeke without a scratch." He stares her dead in the eyes. "I'll make sure he dies. But in return, I want you to swear your undying loyalty to me and the Jeagerists. Hange, Erwin, Levi, everyone important trusts you, we need someone higher up on the inside. Can you do that?"

Relief had rushed over her, thankful that soon it would be over, she would be free. She could go back to having a life, one free from his control and oppression.

"I swear it Eren, whatever it takes, I'm with you."

==========================================

Evelyn had meant it, back then. She had meant every word of what she said, determined to laugh on Levi's grave once Zeke was finished with him. Distract him long enough to give Zeke a head start, she had done her part of the job, now in a few short minutes Levi would be dead and she would be free.

So why did it hurt so much?

Why did every bone in her body ache to turn around and tell Zeke it had all been a mistake, she didn't mean it, to carry on his escape plan and let Levi live. Hatred burned in her heart, by why was the flame so small? Maybe it was fear of raising their child without a father, needing his support to live comfortably.

And yet, money and support were the last reasoning she came up with when it came to why she didn't want him dead.

It was him, purely him, where else would she have what he gave her? Not just wealth and stability, passion. Raw, needy, passion.

It was against her will, it was nothing she wanted, but if her body didn't crave it like he said, why had she been touching herself to the thought of it at night? Mimicking his fingers and movements, but it wasn't enough. He was primal, an animal, a monster even, so why did she wish for all of this to be over so he could throw her onto their bed and bend her over to use as he pleased? It was just the hormones, it had to be. This man hurt her, took everything, and yet she hoped he lived to be thoroughly fucked.

Evelyn shook her head to clear her head, reasoning there was nothing wrong with having basic needs that despite everything, he was able to fill. Nothing more than that. Just need. She could come to grips with this, being great in bed was reason enough to hope he didn't die, how would she get off without him? This was the explanation she stuck with, pushing down the other feelings, hoping they buried themselves as she reached her horse, riding back to where she came, glancing more than she liked to admit at the scene behind her.

=============================================

Shiganshina was just how she had left it, in chaos. All of those who didn't support Zeke and Eren were being rounded up, stripped of fancy titles and positions because they had been drunken fools. She hadn't faced Erwin and Hange yet, and frankly she didn't want to. Erwin could burn in hell for all she cared, but with Hange it was different. She couldn't blame her entirely for buying into Levi's lies, she trusted him, and Evelyn wasn't known to be the most mentally well, so when he told Hange that Evelyn had suffered a break down after the battle for Wall Maria it was believable. Still her feelings were mixed.

But it had to be done, according to Floch, who had been keeping them under lock and key, they had both been told of the reality of their situation, but not about Evelyn's loyalties. This was probably for the best, she should be the one to break it to her former closest friends that she had switched sides.

=============================================

Before she saw them she heard it.

"Where's Evelyn!? Did you do the same thing to her too!? She's been through too much already Floch, Levi said she was already fragile, are you really wanting to drive her to doing something tragic!?" Hange was screeching, while Erwin was calmly silent.

Floch smirked. "Actually, she's here, we brought her in."

Hange quieted down. "Well that's better, I swear if you gave her that tainted shit- or threatened her- if she has one of those black or red armbands Floch so help me-!"

She cuts herself off as Evelyn steps into the room, staring them straight on. "Hange, Commander."

Both of their gazes went from her face, landing on the white armband tied on her bicep.

And for the first time in her life, Evelyn saw the great Commander Erwin Smith's face contort in fear and horror.

[heart-of-copper-dog-training]

Prison Time!

Monday I was solo (other trainer had appointments) and it went so well. We did have to put in new ground rules (some guys keep forgetting treat bags and water bottles, so now they're on a 3 strike rule) but we practiced leash walking, touch, and sit/down.

The funniest part was, due to not having my other trainer, we had no demo dog. So initially I borrowed Molly with the goal of showing what to do when the dog goes to the end of the leash (she's not really a puller tbh). And Molly, once she'd realized I had treats, decided instead to give me the most beautiful show perfect heel without prompting because of course she did. What a silly but wonderful girl. She will make an amazing pet but we are considering her for service in TADSAW.

So I borrowed Griffin instead, who gave me beautiful full leash lines to demonstrate how to get him back with touch, his name, and simply waiting for him to make the good choice and be rewarded handsomely. Within 2 minutes this boy knew where his leash ended and came back each time. Absolutely wonderful.

Unfortunately, my hand outs for body language did not come back from Staples in time, so next time we'll have to drop them off as homework.

Also unfortunately, we have a few new dogs coming in before this group is ready to graduate, which throws off the training schedule. I'll be happy to see them, but I am unhappy with how the dogs coming in is affecting the schedule for graduation. We literally just brought a new dog in Monday (name to be determined and I haven't come up with her "name" yet but I'll let ya'll know).

It's something we're going to address but for now we're doing what we can with what we've got. The dogs were all happy and loose body language. They have clearly bonded with their handlers and that is a joy to see.

I'll see them again Monday and possibly tomorrow for a one on one session with a few guys, that is yet to be determined.

For now, enjoy this graduation picture of Donut who graduated his agility class with my daughter. He and she did SO well (I posted that video last week). We're going to continue agility in the future with a new facility (I have no equipment sadly).

As always, it's free to be kind. Be kind to yourself, to your dogs, and to those around you.

[nowoyas]

Edible Arrangements 38

First - Prev - Next - M.list - Read on Ao3

A/N: no news from the front!

Summary: Izuku's nightmare scenario, and the silver lining. For just a moment, he catches a glimpse of you among the despondency.

Warnings: none as far as I'm aware!

Word Count: ~3500

"Dr. Midoriya, it's a pleasure to meet you! Thanks for agreeing to meet with us on such short notice." Ochako smiles bright, sticks out her hand to shake.

Izuku goes through the motions of it all. "N-no, thank you!" Dammit. Stop stuttering. "Please, have a seat, both of you.”

"Thank you!" Ochako sits, and then gestures kindly to the ghost in the room. "[name]?"

[name] looks up for the first time. Izuku's not sure what hurts more—the complete blankness on their face, or the total lack of recognition. They shuffle to the chair beside Ochako and plop down.

"S-sorry for the mess, by the way! It's been crazy, taking over for Dr. Hakamada while keeping up with my own classes, so I'm afraid I haven't really had the chance to settle in to the new office yet! But I promise, it really is nice to meet you both!"

Shit.

[name]'s hollow eyes snap up to look at him, and for the first time since they walked in, he sees a flicker of emotion. Wounded.

Fuck. He should know better than to lie in front of them.

Their eyes drop to their lap, and one hand reaches out to Ochako's sleeve. "Ochako," they whisper, just loudly enough to be heard. "I don't want to be here. He's lying."

Ochako's attention snaps to them immediately. "[name], honey, I'm sure he's just stressed out," she whispers back. "It's got nothing to do with you."

"Um, i-is everything okay?"

Ochako flashes a brilliant smile. "Yeah! [name]'s just a little over-worried about you possibly disliking her. But you're just stressed out, right?"

He nods. "Yeah. All of this has been... a lot. I'm sorry if I came across as unenthusiastic, or... or anything like that. I've gone from teaching three courses to six, but I shouldn't let that affect this, now. Truly, [name]." (Don't say it. Do not say it. If this pings their quirk—) "I'm really glad to see you here."

He said it.

They're watching him with raised hackles and the kind of look you see on a puppy caught in a rainstorm. When he says the thing he didn't want to say, he feels sick to see the way their shoulders relax, just the tiniest amount.

He wasn't lying.

He should have been.

They turn back to Ochako, whisper again. He’s not sure they know how to really be quiet. "I’ll stay."

She smiles at them, then turns her attention back to Izuku. "Alright. Thank you for that. Now, this meeting is mostly just to iron out [name]'s accommodation needs and boundaries for the semester going forward. We'd also like to set up meeting times, maybe once a week in the leadup to the summer session, to help iron out the things [name] should be reviewing in anticipation for the course and prepare them to return to school. After the session starts, my boss believes it'd also be helpful to continue these check-ins, either as tutoring sessions or to discuss anything in class that isn't working well for them. I understand that you have a lot going on, Dr. Midoriya, so we'll happily work around your schedule. Unless there's something you need to work around, [name]?"

[name] shakes their head.

"Okay, great! So, Dr. Midoriya, when works for you?"

"Fridays," he replies automatically. Give him the weekend to recover from seeing them.

Every week. He doesn't just have to make it through the lectures, he has to see them, one-on-two, once a week, every week.

This is a nightmare.

"I tend to make Fridays easier days for my students!" he explains, too quickly. "This also means it's an easier day for me, and I don't have office hours that day right now, so I can easily accommodate the two of you! I-I think it'd also be best, as a way to end the week and start your respective weekends! That way, you can have the weekend to go over anything refined in any tutoring sessions, and we can start each week off with a fresh mind! How does that sound?"

Ochako nods along. "That sounds like a good idea! [name], what do you think?"

All her cheer and efforts reward her with a shrug.

"If it doesn't work for you, you can always tell me later, okay?"

They nod, staring down at their lap. Izuku makes a show of checking his schedules starting in May, looking for the best time. "It looks like Fridays after lunch are generally good for me. Does that create any conflicts for either of you?"

Ochako shakes her head. "All good here! [name]?"

A tiny shake of the head, nearly missed.

"[n-name]...?" Izuku tries, cursing himself when it comes out a stammer. Cursing himself for saying your name at all. "Is there a better time for you?"

"No," you whisper into the room. "I don't really have much of a schedule, Dr. Midoriya, so it's up to you and Miss Ochako."

Ochako, for her part, looks stunned for a moment. "O-okay! Don't be afraid to speak up if something doesn't work for you, okay?"

"Okay."

He has the sense that this has been a stride for them. The fact that that, alone, was considered a stride in Ochako's eyes has his heart twisting even worse.

"Great! So, we'll meet up every Friday at one o'clock, unless something gets in the way. Now, [name], Mina told me you were worried about how having an aide would look to your classmates, right?”

"Mm."

"So, Dr. Midoriya, I wanted to ask that you not call attention to [name]'s situation at all. Right now, they're not really able to complete projects such as presentations in any capacity. I have faith that longer-form projects can be tackled effectively with the right mindset, but given their lack of wordiness at the time..."

"Right, of course! I had a presentation planned for the class, but I'll make the offer to all students to choose between presenting as a group or writing individual papers. That should also be good to not call attention to your role, r-right? I can hand out exams to you, too, Ochako, but there won't be the expectation of you completing them." He finds himself reaching for a notebook, writing even as he speaks. "And of course, I'd be happy to provide additional help during our weekly meetings, if you and [name] would like! I know it can be really hard sometimes, so anything I can do to help, I'd like to!"

She smiles. "That'd be great!"

The meeting continues on. Between him and Ochako, and [name]'s rare affirmative noises, it becomes productive indeed, and by the time the pair of them leave Izuku's office, he's feeling much better about the semester, even if he's not feeling better about them being here at all.

On their way out the door, Izuku finds himself speaking before he can stop himself.

"[name]?"

They pause and look back at him.

For just a moment, it's you. Curiosity in your eyes. A tilt to your head, subtle and questioning. In the next moment, you’re gone, and they're staring at him blankly.

"Um, I just wanted to apologize for earlier. I really do want you to succeed, and I never should have let my own personal issues give you the impression that I didn't want you here or didn't want to be here."

"Okay. Thank you."

"My goal as your professor is to help you succeed, no matter what. So please, don't hesitate if you need any help at all, okay?"

"Okay," they repeat. "Thank you."

~

The smell of the household's dinner meets Ochako's grateful nose when she brings [name] back to their apartment. It really is a great location—a ten minute walk from campus. They didn't even have to take their car. [name] doesn't even need a parking pass unless they really want one.

"We're back!" Ochako calls into the room.

Mina's voice calls back from the kitchen: "Welcome back, you two! I've just started plating up dinner."

[name] walks further into the apartment, and Ochako follows, just in case there's any last things she needs to handle before she heads home.

"Thanks for helping [name], Ochako. Since you're here, want to stay for dinner?"

Ochako shakes her head. "No, that's okay! I appreciate the offer, though. I don't want to impose."

[name] gives a sharp look. "She's lying. She wants to stay."

Mina laughs. "We've got the expert on the case. I won't force you to stay, but you really are welcome." She flashes a sly grin [name]'s way. "You'd like it if Ochako stayed, right, [name]?"

They nod. "She's nice."

At that, Ochako melts a little. "I'll stay, but only because [name] wants me to."

"Liar."

"Guilty. Is there anything I can do to help set up?"

"Have a seat. [name], your physical therapist wanted you to practice things like setting the table and getting dishes down, right? Do you want to get down some plates for me and set the table?"

"Okay."

They move like a ghost: past Mina, to the cabinet where they've been storing dishes. When they disappear into the dining area with them, Mina turns to Ochako.

"I can't thank you enough for helping them. They're already doing way better just from getting out today."

"No, no need to thank me! Honestly, I should be thanking you and the rest of [name]'s friends. It's obvious that you care deeply for them, and are willing to put in the work to help them get better."

"It's just what friends are supposed to do, right?"

She sighs, rests her chin in one hand. "You would think, but a lot of the time, we get clients who have no one and live alone, or worse, live with family members who only have their own interests in mind. It's really hard to help someone when their environment is working against them. I do my best, of course! But in cases like this one, it's much easier knowing that they're coming home to people who want them to get better for their own sake."

Quiet footsteps at the entry to the kitchen.

"Drinks?" [name] asks.

"Ochako, do you want anything?"

"Water's fine, thank you! But I can get it myself—"

"No," [name] cuts in.

Mina laughs. "Their physical therapist wants them to practice pouring drinks, too. We're working them up to being able to do daily life stuff all unassisted, and they're making great strides. Think of it as helping them with their PT!"

"In that case..." Ochako sits back and watches as [name] gets down four glasses. They're diligent, and the other two in the room watch.

"Don't forget to let Tsuyu know dinner's ready, and ask what she wants to drink, okay?" Mina prompts. They set the glass of water in front of Ochako and scamper off.

Actually scamper.

The sight has Mina's jaw dropping. "I think there's more life in them than I've seen in months."

"I thought so, too! They've really made big strides today. You should be proud! It's clear that they're wanting to get better, too. They're still not very open with their emotions, but they're trying hard! They even told me earlier today when they wanted to leave."

Mina goes stiff at that. "Did something happen?"

[name] joins them as they're moving to sit down with dinner, Tsuyu at their side. "Dr. Midoriya was lying when he said he was pleased to meet me, so I wanted to leave. But he explained that he was really stressed and that he did want to help me succeed, so we decided to stay."

Now, Ochako's not an empath or anything, but she's not stupid and she can definitely sense when the temperature in the room suddenly feels like it's dropped several degrees. The expressions on both Tsuyu's and Mina's faces mirror each other, and Mina nearly drops her plate.

"Sorry, who did you meet today?"

"Dr. Midoriya. He's taking over Dr. Hakamada's classes."

The sheer awe at them coming out of their shell for such long sentences is nothing compared to whatever the hell emotion Ochako is witnessing roll off of [name]'s roommates right now.

"Is something wrong?" they ask, tilting their head.

"No, no!" Mina says. She cringes a moment later—[name] is almost attempting to glare at her.

"Mina."

"Just—tell us about the meeting and this Dr. Midoriya while we eat!"

"I have to get Tsuyu's drink, first."

They disappear into the kitchen, and return with two filled glasses—one for Tsuyu, one for them. When at last they've sat, it's clear the roommates are hoping the topic of conversation will have moved on, but...

"The meeting went well. Dr. Midoriya looked really tired, but pretty. He had sharp teeth. He's a bit overwhelmed with taking on Dr. Hakamada's work, though."

"I can imagine," Tsuyu says. "Was he already a professor before?"

"Mhm. He said he's got nine classes now, but he still found time to have me and Ochako for meetings once a week. I think he's really eager to please or something."

Wow. They're really, really talking. "The three of us have meetings every Friday at one o'clock moving forward. He's going to be altering some course material to avoid bringing attention to [name]'s situation, and acting as though I'm a student to avoid calling attention to me. [name] has expressed that they want to blend in as much as possible, after all!"

[name] nods. Tsuyu nudges their side. "Don't forget to actually eat."

"Oh. Sorry." They turn their attention to eating, their movements robotic.

"I think this summer session will be really good for them. Beyond the activity walking to class and getting out of the apartment a little bit, it's clear this has been good for them!"

"Do you think so?" [name] asks, looking up from their plate.

"Mhm! Look at how much you're talking after that!"

"Hm. I didn't notice."

Ochako, for her part, pretends not to notice the concerned looks Tsuyu and Mina give each other. She steers the conversation away, and they keep up a good chatter until plates are cleaned and it really is time for her to go.

Tsuyu rises to collect the plates, and Ochako is right there with her, insisting even when everyone else tries to make her sit. A meaningful glance is all that gets Tsuyu to let her follow her to the kitchen, where, immediately, she's whispering to Tsuyu. Out of the corner of her eye, she can see Mina leading [name] further away from the kitchen. Bless her.

"Okay, I have to ask. What's up with yours and Mina's reactions to Dr. Midoriya? Is there something I should know about?"

Tsuyu sighs, grabbing the plates from Ochako to clean. "[name] used to be in love with him."

Oh. She's suddenly very glad that Tsuyu took the plates from her. "Well. That wasn't exactly what I was expecting."

"They lived together for a while before all this happened. [name] has basically completely forgotten he existed, but he... let's just say, none of us are very happy with him. For one thing, that he's completely disappeared from their life when all this is going on."

"I... I see. That would explain a lot about how he was acting."

"How was he acting?" She arches a brow her way.

"Oh, you know... really nervous? And the fact that [name]'s quirk caught on him saying it was nice to meet us. If it wasn't their first meeting, and he knew that, I can totally see their quirk reading it as a lie! But he also just seemed... really sad."

She snorts. "After he abandoned them like that, he can be as sad as he likes. If we'd known they would end up in his class, we would have found some way to steer them away from it.”

Ochako thumbs at the strap of her bag, feeling the texture change as it runs across her thumb pad. “I don’t know the full story, and please don’t take this as me defending him, but is it possible he’s grieving this in his own way? Maybe he doesn’t know how to approach them after they—“

Tsuyu shakes her head. The plates get set down a little too hard. “You really don’t know the full story, kero. And even if you did… you don’t grieve someone’s memory loss by kicking them out of your house and making them fend for themselves financially. Among everything else.”

“Right.” She swallows down the odd feeling in her throat. “Right. I’ll… keep an eye on him, okay? If [name] seems like they’re backsliding, I’ll advise moving them into another course. I’m sure Dr. Midoriya would understand, too.”

“He’d better.”

~

Dr. Midoriya Izuku has earned far too many degrees to be anything but an expert on the subject: It does not, in fact, get better.

It doesn’t even get easier.

The first Friday meeting, he had prepared for. He’s spent the past week organizing a general breakdown of what [name] needs to review to succeed in his class. He’s sourced a book that he thinks will help, fuck, he’s even brought a book on how to take notes and succeed in college, in case they’ve forgotten that, too. He’s rehearsed his lines in the mirror a thousand times, and it took everything in him to stop preening in the bathroom mirror in the hour leading up to the meeting. He even nearly forgot to eat lunch.

He also opened himself up to making a crucial mistake.

Ochako had greenlit the move, sure, but still.

Sbeve is curled up in the chair meant for [name]. He’s been nothing short of despondent. If a cat can sulk like a teenager, Sbeve is doing it, and doing it better than any teenager could. And yeah, he gets it. He misses them, too.

More than he wants to admit, he misses them. Which is probably why he made this stupid decision to begin with. Sbeve was always their cat, after all. The both of theirs, but [name]’s in particular. Their kitten. Their baby. Sbeve stuck by his side until [name] came home, and then would leave him until they came to find him.

So, really, this is for Sbeve’s benefit. Not his. He doesn’t need to see his cat curl up on the love of his life’s lap again. And Ochako really did sign off on it!

So he waits. And he waits. And he checks the clock approximately four hundred times in the hours between 12:42 and 1:00, and eight hundred more in the hours between 1:00 and 1:08, when at last [name] and Ochako walk through the door.

The effect is instantaneous.

Sbeve is out of their chair, scaling up their leg like nobody’s business, curling up in their arms before they’ve even really registered what’s happening and meowing at the top of his lungs all the while. He’d made sure to feed Sbeve before they came, to prevent any vampire kitten incidents from occurring.

“Um,” they say, voice pitching high with confusion and life, “hello…?”

Izuku can’t contain the little laugh that escapes him. “Mx. [name], Ochako, good to see you again!”

“Sorry we’re late, Dr. Midoriya.” Ochako’s voice is cold, her expression guarded. But maybe he’s imaginging that because he knows she should hate him. “I hope you weren’t waiting too long! [name] had a bit of a rough start to their day.”

They nod, almost instinctively pressing a tiny kiss to Sbeve’s head. Izuku’s heart wrenches.

Yeah. This was a catastrophic mistake.

“Sorry,” [name] mumbles. “I had weird dreams and they threw me off.”

“Hey, not a problem! What matters is that you’re here. And that, apparently, my cat likes you.”

“He’s really soft. And little.”

“I’m considering having him trained as a therapy cat, but he has a little bit of a biting problem I’m trying to fix first. Small warning! He bites!”

“He does?” They—you—tilt your head. “There’s no way. Sbeve’s just a little guy.”

It’s the little flashes of you that get him. The tilts to the head, the bits of life that return to your voice for shreds of shreds of moments. The personality that bleeds through even though half the time, you are just a memory piloting a ghost.

Ochako seems startled by it, too, though he can’t fathom why. “[name], Dr. Midoriya didn’t… tell us his name…”

Oh.

Oh, that knocks him flat.

You remember Sbeve.

“Didn’t he?” [name] replies, and the moment, the you-ness is gone. “Sorry.”

“I-I did!” Izuku stammers. “His name’s Sbeve!”

Also a wrong move, because now they’re looking at him oddly, because they know he’s lying even if Ochako thinks he’s smoothing things over. He has to take control.

“A-anyways! Let’s get started on this meeting. I took the time to prepare some resources I thought would be helpful, and this book in particular is a great primer for my course!” He slides it across his desk, before they can call him out on his lie or Ochako can realize they clocked it.

And maybe the meeting goes well after that. Maybe there’s no more flashes of you shining through, and there’s no more slipups where they know things they shouldn’t, and Izuku doesn’t have to think about what he’s done.

Just maybe.

Tags: @tooloudarts​ @xxangelpridexx​ @lirinstaalem @izoodles​​ @denise-the-death-goddess @themerpenguin​ @sincerelybubbles​ @fudobaby​ @imabootywarrior​ @chickynn​ @fuc-kingmonkey​​ @the-secret-thief​​ @kc-korra​ @kiliakit​ @hay-leeeah​ @meowkid1000​ @mha-baku-todo-deku-kiri​ @jojo-buttercup​ @starfishlovingbnha​​ @wwwwyamd​ @omiwashere​ @emilytheeggy​ @subwayslander​ @thelittle-witch​ @sparkexplosive​ @shoutaaizawas​ @vanilladyfics​ @stargazerunlimited​ @chaoticevilbakugo​ @deeplightgarden @stxrrielle @idonthaveanameideayet @snowymaltese @bnha-babygirl @graywrites20 @dusstory

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[byullielle]

Hanji Day!! // Han Jisung x Gn!Reader

—my precious han jisung, i love him so much and i hope that even if he doesn't know me personally he still feels my love through the powers of the universe. you deserve the world my han quokka.

tags: birthday fic! wholesome loving, established relationship, fluff!, kisses! all the kisses for han jisung!, short and sweet

Rated: Happiest Birthday to my Rockstar!

You nervously shake your leg as the guitar sits next to you, waiting for your boyfriend to move along and hurry up from whatever he was going. Han Jisung wasn't one to grandly celebrate his birthdays but you still wanted to make every single one with him count to the most of your abilities. And for this one? You pestered Chan and Changbin to (quickly) teach you how to play the guitar in order for you to play a simple song for him. Better Together by Us The Duo was the choice because it was fairly easy but the nervousness bit on your mind heavily.

Of course, you got him a little bit more than that, just in case the singing and playing backfired. He recently had been eyeing a pair of shoes and due to his busy schedule he hasn't gotten to buying them yet and you had to do everything in your power to fight against Jeongin who was planning to gift them to Han himself.

It was a battle well-won.

Nobody messes with your affections towards Han Jisung, even if it meant death (refusing Jeongin's puppy dog eyes and instead resorting to nearly biting you off).

"Okay, I'm ready," Jisung walks in as you jolt up in shock. "Oh!" you clear your throat and shakily take the guitar. You were confident in your singing voice, and after being heavily monitored by Chan and Changbin was quite alright to go but come on, it was Han Jisung. The man who has written more songs than school essays.

"I-If you somehow don't like it, please make me stop immediately,"

His hand immediately goes up to his chest, mouth gaping in shock, no sound coming from his lips. You take another deep breath and close your eyes, before doing a strum down, "There's no combination of words I could put on the back of a postcard," you start singing, "The song that I can sing but I can try for your heart," you then pluck the nickel string.

"Our dreams, they're made out of real things," you gently hit the back of your palm against the body of the guitar before starting to strum with your fingers affixed to a single chord, "Like a shoebox of photographs of sepia tone loving," you keep your focus on the strings, unable to look at Han as he has his hands places politely on his lap, fingers tapping along.

"Love is the answer at least, for most of the questions in my heart," a change of chords then a strum, "Like, "Why are we here?" and, "Where do we go?" And, "How come it's so hard?"" another hit on the upper bout.

You stop the strumming for a while, taking this moment to look up at his direction, "It's not always easy and sometimes life can be deceiving," your eyes soften at the absolutely mind-blown look on his eyes, "I'll tell you one thing it's always better when we're together," you bring back your hand on the fretboard, starting to strum along constantly changing chords.

"Mmm, it's always better when we're together," you sing along the strumming softly before ending it on a simple C-chord strum, "Yeah, we'll look at the stars when we're together,"

You stop and then set the guitar aside gingerly. The moment it's off your body you could feel Jisung suddenly tackle you into a fullbody hug, both your bodies landing on the couch. A laugh escapes you before you pat his back, the weight of his body comforting against yours, "Happy birthday, sorry if that wasn't the best,"

"No no, it was perfect," he sniffles before you pull off in worry only to see him absolutely elevated with tears running down his face, he leans down and presses a shallow yet reverent kiss on your lips. "Thank you. Thank you so much baby," he whispers against your lips before pressing another kiss on your lips, "You did great. This is the best birthday gift ever,"

"Well...I also got you some shoes," you chuckle, anxiety dissipating from your shoulders before pulling him for a hug, his body still atop yours. "Happy birthday, I love you,"

"I love you too, the shoes could wait, you're amazing baby,"

"Not as much as you," you chuckle upon feeling him pinch your side.

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

Amara's Day 2

We started today off with the goal of teaching a young lady about choices! Most important choice? Indoors or Outdoors. But there have been others along the way.

Amara needed to be carried out this morning to the yard for potty time, because she was feeling really anxious about leaving her overnight nest. She'd had an accident overnight without waking us, and I think was feeling scared of how we'd react. When we need to carry her somewhere, we've been establishing consent first to make sure she knows it's safe. Mostly that looks like keeping a respectful distance and offering her the back of our hand or finger tips to sniff. If she leans in and gives a lick, we'll go ahead and approach and pet her a little. If she turns away or growls, we'll drop the hand and try again after a few minutes, usually with a treat. If she takes the treat from our hand, we can pet, but if she waits for it to be on the ground, we give her some space until she seeks out a sniff. Once we're able to pet her without triggering any discomfort, we'll scoop her up with her legs and hind quarters supported and carry her where we need to bring her.

While that *was* how Amara got out to the yard this morning, we were able to get her to return indoors voluntarily! It took about 30min of back and forth before she wasn't afraid to let me close the back door again with her inside, but moving her water bowl and a dish of ground rabbit into the kitchen helped.

Medical observations for today so far are as follows:

Amara is chronically dehydrated (indicated by thinning of skin, poor elasticity, dry nose without heat, etc) and underweight (indicated by manual evaluation of ribs and hips, and full weight while carried) with possible malnutrition. She's eating and drinking well while here, indicating this is likely related to access rather than apetite.

Care plan accommodation: morning meal consisting of wet food, evening meal consisting of kibble moistened with nutritional supplement, and consistent access to her own bowl of water with added electrolytes. Duration 1-2 weeks, or until sufficiently hydrated to see physical improvement. Feed at rate of current weight plus 20% per meal after first week (first week refeeding up to rate for current weight in 1 cup intervals 2x-4x daily as sought) and until rib and hip bones are less sharply visible/felt under the skin.

We've made a lot of trust building progress, and currently Amara will seek out brief affection by seeking the consent process and licking as her affirmative. She also climbed up on the bed for a bit while humans and other animals were on it! She mostly prefers not to be touched, and gets nervous around sudden movements, but she has been able to coexist in shared spaces with the dogs, cats, and people largely without issue today!

She makes a BIG SIGH whenever she relaxes in a cozy spot, and she crosses her front paws just like Jaxxine does.

We're gonna try the outside again voluntarily soon and see if she's up for it, but first I have to get dinner started (harissa-tahini gravy with wilted greens over meatballs served inside of baked sweet potatoes bowls) so I can leave it to simmer while I supervise the pups. I'm hoping the kitchen time will help with the gradual adjustment back outside since it's an in-between space.

I think even if we don't get to bath time until later this week, we can still call today a victory if she goes in and out willingly and starts to learn the potty schedule. I'm going to mix a spray tonight and try to use tomorrow for introducing her to the curry comb so we can work towards cleaning her wounds and completing a more thorough physical exam.

[taigaoftundrablog]

I'm afraid this isn't a weekly blog anymore, but here's something to make up for it

Experiment on phone usage starring myself

The main goal here is to:

1. Reduce my phone usage

2. See how your phone affects your life

Day 1

it's a tuesday. i have decided to go a decent portion of my day without my phone. i did not touch my phone during school, but after it, usage was pretty much average. i have not touched discord for the entire day, and i don't seem to be getting any notifications from there. hopefully i can lessen usage tomorrow, as i did use my phone quite a lot, still.

i did notice how not using my phone affected me though. for example, i was out of things to do for most of the breaks, since everyone else is stuck looking at their phones constantly. i'm marking this as a decent start.

Day 1 usage: 3h 30min

Most used app: Google (i look through the news feed a lot, it's a bad habit, but I will hopefully be looking at it a lot less by the end of this study/experiment.)

Time I went to bed: 21.30

Day 2: Plans

it's not wednesday yet, but my plans are:

- try get phone usage down to 3 hours

- start working on something, which i might find productive

- don't check discord, as not doing so will show myself that i'm actually determined about this

hopefully i fill my expectations of myself tomorrow.

Day 2

now it's wednesday, just got out of school. it's 14.26 right now and i have around 45 minutes of phone usage right now after allowing myself to use my phone normally school. 45min is about average for me and most of that time is used on school related stuff (checking schedule, etc.). i got out of school a few hours later yesterday so we'll see how today goes at home. have not touched discord, don't know how people there are doing, as the app quite literally is not giving me any notifications right now.

22.08. i am about to go to bed. i've spent most of my day playing on switch, which i feel like is more productive than being on my phone all day. first discord notifications popped up, apparently people are hoping i'm alright. it's nice to know that people care about how i'm doing but i have still yet to open discord. honestly opening it up seems worse than not doing so, so i may delay that to tomorrow evening, where i'll have something to talk about (nintendo direct).

Phone usage: 2h 18m (I really overdid myself there.)

Most used app: Chrome (I looked at random stuff online, Nintendo and school related)

Time I went to bed: 22.16

Day 3: Plans

plans for day 3 are: keep phone usage around the same, try not to go above 3 hours if plausible (opening discord for the first time in 4 days may change that to be over 3h though), and to stay focused on schoolwork. i'm honestly seeing some improvement, although not too much.

Day 3

literally just woke up. it's 6.09. i'm pretty intrigued to see how this day goes as i'll most likely be opening discord for the first time in a while.

welp, can say that people were worried about me. i do feel like i should've notified them about that before as uh they thought i pretty much died. whoops.

it's pretty late, and from what i've noticed, discord is the main reason i go to bed late and use my phone so much. not much else to note for today.

Phone usage: 3h 38min

Most used app: Geometry Dash (The game's just fun, alright?)

Time I went to sleep: 21.59

Stuff about day 4 & 5

have to preface these days a bit, as i did not initially write anything for these days, so i'm writing them on monday. main reason: i was too busy spending time doing other things + i did not feel like it. i'm currently thinking why i just stopped for two days, but i believe it's due to a lack of motivation/willingness, which i've seen a lot in myself. could honestly be due to improper phone usage, which was the main thing i need to work on here.

i've got to fix this somehow.

Day 4

pretty much spent all day at home playing on switch and whatever.

Phone usage: 3h 6min

Most used app: Discord (i KNEW this was gonna happen)

Time I went to sleep: presumably around 23.00

Day 5

same thing as yesterday, but we went to the store etc.

got new shoes, it'll take some time to get used to these but they're nice so far.

Phone usage: 2h 46min

Most used app: Discord (I'm genuinely addicted to human interaction, could be worse though of course (ahem TikTok, thank god I don't use that app))

Time I went to sleep: around 22.00

Day 6

start of a brand new week, it's monday now, i am currently at school, maybe i'll try reading this dang book in the evening as i got an assignment to read it, have to be done on thursday and this has like 250 pages. i will promise to you that i'll have less than an hour tomorrow, if i fail, i will draw something daily for a month AND it won't be myself constantly.

it's 22.02. sitting in bed, have done absolutely nothing productive today. have not touched that book which i have to read in like 3 days. guys i am so mentally stable and motivated

anyway yeah tomorrow is the sub-hour phone usage day which only means that i should probably be sleeping soon. i'ma actually get started on that book

Phone usage: 5h 31min (Mostly due to me also drawing for a decent while, 1h 21min to be exact.)

Most used app: Discord (Who would've thought?)

Time I went to sleep: around 23.00

Day 7

last day, i have like 15 minutes to write this

i have officially passed the test of less than an hour of phone usage and i am pretty proud of that. i've read the book i was meant to read a decent lot, at page 75 or something now. very cool.

not using my phone much does feel very odd honestly, but it feels kinda freeing in a way too, since i'm not stuck to this screen for 4 hours a day. i will do the final thoughts section tomorrow.

Phone usage: 48min

Most used app: Notes (Diary thing about this book which I have to write)

Time I went to sleep: 21.55, goodnight everyone

Closing thoughts (very cool)

i am finally free

phone usage has dipped a decent bit i would say, as it previously was up to 5 hours some days, now it seems to be at around 3 hours a day. there are of course exceptions, though, but i accept them

well, i shouldn't say free but still

pretty interesting how that week went. i believe my main lesson here is that you pretty much can't get rid of your phone in your life no matter how much you want to, since actually important things are sort of mixed up with less important ones.

i believe i have succeeded at this odd test somewhat

feels like i've been focusing more properly on the things i actually need to focus on, which is good for a change.

will see you all at some point, i'll try next week maybe!

[dp-revived-2024]

Q: I would absolutely love to help with storyboards, however I am in school still so I'm not sure how that would affect my schedule. I also would love to know if there's requirements for software/and or skill level. I've dabbled in animation, but never really that much? I'd be apart of this, and I cant wait to see how it goes!

A: ＼(≧▽≦)／*:･ﾟ✧

STORYBOARDS? i LOVE to hear that there are people interested in storyboarding, it makes me so excited !!!!

SCHEDULING CONFLICTS? the biggest rule i'm going to give this project is this: NOBODY should be expected to run on the same schedule as the others. you will be assigned work as you say you're available. if life happens, we'll find pinch hitters! i want this to be as low-stress as possible while still remaining realistic about goals and workloads.

SOFTWARE? that's an incredible question that i myself still don't know the answer to- software questions will be addressed and discussed when we know for sure that we can enact the option Phase B of this project (the pilot!), because that's when software will actually be important. if it happens that we can, then we will try to find the best, most accomodating option so those who can't afford expensive software can still participate.

SKILL LEVEL? one of the other big things i want to keep loyal to for this project is accessibility- i want all kinds of fans to have the ability to help out and put their two cents in, regardless of skill level! everyone will get to put in their ideas and participate in discussions and meetings. when we get to the later phases when final products are started, we'll start looking at portfolios to choose the best fit to create our polished works to present to the world.

I can't wait to see you in the project! I think this is gonna be so cool and we have something so cool to create !!!!

Welcome to the DP: Revived Q&A Thread!

Here, I'll answer any questions asked in the askbox or the interest check survey form! (if you'd like, you can follow this thread to see all of the questions i asked in case i answer one you were curious about- most of this will also be valuable information if this project progresses!)

(tags: @somethinganominous @breakfastatmiles) (^^ this taglist will update as people ask for it! i'll add anyone on the form to the taglist.)

[lokis-army-77]

If You Please

Chapter five

Bucky Barnes x Reader

Word Count: 3436

I'm bad at writing descriptions, so this is basically a reader insert into The First Avenger and then we'll see how it goes from there.

Warnings: Canon typical violence, mention of blood

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Masterlist

I hadn't seen Steve since the talk with Dr. Erskine yesterday afternoon. I knew that after the conversation we all had, he would know what he was meant to do. He would go into this with no questions whatsoever, just the knowledge that he would be able to help out with the war. I on the other hand was worried to death. That night I got less sleep than I ever had. I tossed and turned, but could never get comfortable. There's just something about knowing you and your brother are going to be test subjects for an experiment that hasn't had the best track record, that puts you on edge.

I did everything to try and go to sleep, but none of it helped in the slightest. When I laid there, in the dark, facing the ceiling, I thought of what life would have been like if this God-forsaken war hadn't started. Thoughts of a wedding crossed my mind. Steve walked me down the aisle towards the love of my life. If we hadn't been drugged into this war I could have been married by now, I could have started a family, I could be enjoying the rest of my life with Bucky by my side. But life never goes as planned and now Buck is thousands of miles away and I’m being experimented on.

Not just thoughts of a domestic life flew around in my head, I also thought of how this serum would affect Steve and me I. Helping to work on this experiment was one thing, being a part of it was another. All I had done for the last few years was help gather information for the doctors and scientists. I scouted recruits, I spied on copious amounts of HYDRA workers, I was a behind the scene worker, never in the spotlight of the actual experimental side. Now all that had changed and I would be participating in something I wasn’t really sure I wanted. There was no knowing what this would do to me, what the long-term and short-term effects might be, but I was willing to go through this as long as my brother was beside me. I couldn't just let him do it alone, even if this probably wasn't what I wanted for myself. From before I could remember Steve was always there with me, walking right alongside me through my battles, and I’d be damned if I didn't walk into this battle with him.

In the early morning hours, when the first birds started to chirp and the sun had barely shown itself to the world, I fell asleep, only to be awakened two hours later. The day had just begun and I already wanted to go back to sleep, I could feel the anxiety creeping back in. Without a good night's rest, I was useless. The procedure was scheduled for nine this morning and I had to be at the lab in an hour. I quickly got ready and headed out the door. When I walked down onto the street I noticed a car a few yards away from me. Peggy stepped out of the back and waved me over.

“Good morning, Agent Carter,” I called as I walked over to where she stood. I looked into the back seat and noticed Steve was sitting on the other side of the car. He looked at me and gave me a small wave. “You didn’t have to come pick me up, the lab is only two blocks away, I could have walked there.”

“Don't worry about it Rogers, It was your brother's idea to come get you. He said something about anxiety and operations. Said it would be best to come get you so he could help ease the nerves.” She said before she ushered me into the back seat and closed the door. She then walked around the car and got into the passenger seat.

“Morning shortly, don’t you look chipper this morning,” Steve stated as I slumped in the seat.

I slowly looked over at him and groaned out “I can’t believe you told her I get anxious about operations and needed your help to calm down.”

“Oh you know you need me, I can tell you only got a few hours of sleep. I bet you were up all night tossing and turning,” he stated matter of factly. He grabbed my right arm and pulled me over to him so he could give me a hug. I laid my head on his shoulder and watched as the car made its way down the block. “You’ve always needed someone to help you get over the anxiousness before any type of medical type thing. Now just sit here and calm down, I can hear how fast your heart is going.”

He wasn’t lying, any medical thing I have ever gone to has made me stressed out. Even just going into the doctor's office to get a prescription filled me with enough anxiety to explode. I could feel my heart beating a mile a minute the closer we got to the building the lab was in. Having Steve with me was easing it to a bearable amount but I still felt nauseous. When the car stopped outside of an old antique store we all got out and walked into the shop. I barely noticed Peggy reciting the code phrase to the woman at the front, then we were on our way to the back and going through a set of hidden doors. I grabbed Steve's hand and held onto it so tightly that I’m sure he could feel my pulse throbbing in my fingers. We made our way past several MPs to the observing deck of the lab and looked down at the several scientists in the room. They all spotted us quickly and came to a stop. I looked over at Steve and he looked at me, a quick glint of concern flashed over his face. I then looked to Peggy and she gave a stiff nod and started to descend the set of stairs to her right and Steve and I followed.

We three made our way to the platform in the middle of the room where Dr. Erskine met us. “Good morning,” he said cheerfully while he shook Steve’s hand and then mine. “Are you both ready?” I nodded my head nervously while eyeing the two large equipment pieces that were side by side. I winced as a sudden flash went off. A man, standing off to the side, had taken a picture of the encounter. Dr. Ersikne has shooed him off as soon as he had, telling him not to do that now. “Well, if you are both ready I will need you two to take your shoes, tie, and shirts off. Mr. Rogers, please take your cap off as well. Agent Rogers, I’m sorry if this is uncomfortable, we need to be able to access your biceps and the top of your chest.”

I slowly started to take my shoes off, then moved onto my tie and then my blazer and blouse. All I could think of at the moment was that this was all happening way too fast. The nervousness and anxiety I felt heavily outweigh the embarrassment I should have felt, being in a large room surrounded by men in only my bra and a pair of trousers. I was then told to then lay down on one of the machines in the center of the room.

“Agent Rogers, These are just some questions I have to ask before we get started,” said a nurse who had appeared next to me with a clipboard. “Is your date of birth August 3, 1921?”

“Yes,” I replied.

“Have you had anything to eat or drink in the last 12 hours?”

“No, I have not”

“Okay then, we're good to go. I’ll just give you a shot of penicillin and then Dr. Erskine will come and start the procedure. As I laid there all I could hear was my heart beating in my ears. I watched as another nurse came to me and brought down two metal arms with rectangular pads attached to the end. They went right to the top of my chest and felt cold against my exposed skin. More nurses walked around me and starters putting vials of blue liquid into slots in the machine.

Dr. Erskine then appeared between Steve and me. Nodding at both of us he started the count down to the serum infusion. I saw another two rectangular pads come down towards my upper arms. I winced as I felt the needles on the pads insert into my arm. When the count down reached one I felt the serum being pushed into me through the rectangular pads. I gasped loudly, it was an unexplainable pain, Ilke fire was surging throughout my entire body. Then the machine started to rise and three panels with lots of lights came up and closed around me. I was taking deep breaths in order to not hyperventilate. Then came a tap on the glass that was right in front of my head. “Agent Rogers, are you ready?” Dr. Erskine called.

“As ready as I can be” I called back. He walked away from the glass and then the machine started to make a low rumbling sound. I closed my eyes and balled my hands uptight. The lights on the panels started to glow brighter and brighter through my eyelids. Soon the lights began to emit heat. I could feel it growing hotter and hotter until finally, I couldn't keep the feeling of the pain inside anymore. I felt my throat scratch as I let out a scream. The heat kept intensifying but I held on.

I could hear yelling from outside the machine. “Turn it off! Turn it off! Shut it down now!” someone was yelling.

I had come so far I couldn’t stop now. “No,” I yelled, “I can do it. Keep it on!” The light then became so bright it was like my eyes weren't even close like I was staring at the sun. The rumbling in my ears became overwhelming and I let out another scream. Suddenly everything went dark and the heat was gone. My breathing became labored and I let my body relax back onto the cushion behind me. The panels retracted and a gust of cold air surrounded me.

I could hear a ringing in my ears as I weakly stepped out of the machine. A few nurses and scientists caught me before my legs gave out. “Did we do it?” I stuttered out.

“I think we did. How are you feeling?” asked Dr. Erskine while handing me a shirt.

“Sweaty. Where’s Steve?” I looked around for him but the room started to fill with more people. Out of nowhere a loud bang when off and glass shot everywhere. I fell to the ground and heard gunshots ring out. Looking up I saw Dr. Erskine fall to the ground. I scrambled over to him and noticed another person bend down across from me on his opposite side. It was Steve, albeit he was a taller and more muscular Steve. I quickly refocused on the Doctor in my arms. He was struggling to breathe and as he took his last breath he pointed to Steve's heart and then went limp. I looked back up to Steve and watched as his face contorted in anger. He shot up from his squatted-down position and took off up the stairs and into the hallway. I followed suit yelling his name.

I reached the front door to the antique shop right as Steve tackled Peggy to the ground to save her from a cab almost running over her. “I had him,” she yelled at him.

“Sorry,” He called back. He started to run in the direction the cab had gone and I took off right behind him. Running down the street, I had noticed that I was running faster than I could before, I was catching up to Steve and the cab.

I saw the cab start to turn and I yelled out to Steve. “Steve, he's headed for the docks!” I kept running and took a sharp turn down the next alleyway. I hoped I would catch them before they go too far. After running straight to the docks I spotted the cab, with Steve hanging off the side of the door, hit a truck, and started rolling down the street sideways. I ran to where Steve had fallen when he let go of the door. I helped him to his feet while eyeing the man who emerged from the wrecked cab. He pulled a gun and shot at both of us before running onto pier 13. Steve grabbed the broken off door from the cab and averted to follow the gunman when he shot at us again. The man grabbed a nearby child and put the gun to his head.

“Get back” he yelled, “get back or I’ll shoot him.” He dragged the kid over to a small ally. I could hear the kid yelling to the man to let him go. Steve started to go after him, but before he could, I stopped him.

“Steve we have to think carefully about this. We can't go in blind, he might hurt the boy.”

“You're right. You go around the back and I’ll take him from the front. I’ll draw the fire and you get the kid.” I gave a quick nod and scurried off to the back entrance of the building. I snuck around the corners to keep from being seen and soon found myself behind the man and child. Steve rounded the corner and the man put the gun back to the boy's head. “Stop, don’t do it,” Steve called. The man then pointed the gun at Steve and pulled the trigger, but nothing happened, He was all out of bullets. In what was a last-ditch effort he tossed the boy over the side of the dock and into the water. I quickly dove in after him.

Coming up out of the water I spotted the boy treading water close to the wall. “Are you okay?” I asked him.

“Yes ma’am,” he said, spitting out water. Steve then ran over to look over into the water at us, the boy waved him on. “Go get him, I can swim,” he called up at him. I gave Steve a look and he sprinted off after the gunman.

“Come on kid, let's get you out of here.” I swam over towards him and led us to one of the recessed wall ladders. I helped him climb up the steep wall and when we both made it onto the solid ground I helped him ring out his clothes. “Go on and find your mother, I have to go help stop that man.” He quickly ran off and I turned to sprint down the pier to find Steve.

I couldn’t find either Steve or the gunman when I made it to the end of the dock. I knew they had gone into the water, there was no other way off. I watched the water waiting to see signs of either of them. Then unexpectedly the gunman was thrown out of the water and at my feet. I bent down quickly and grand at the lapels of his jacket, knocking the vile of serum from his pocket. Steve climbed out of the water and came to my side. “Who the hell are you?” he yelled at the man.

The gunman responded with “The first of many. Cut off one head and two more will take its place. Hail Hydra.” After he promptly bit down on a cyanide pill and died. I looked to Steve with a shocked expression.

“Shit. This isn’t good,” I mumbled.

After the whole chase, Steve and I were brought back to the lab. Blood work had to be done. Since all the serum, with the exception of the vile the gunman had stolen, had been used on the two of us, the only way to recreate the serum and possibly keep project rebirth going was in our blood. Peggy explained all of this to Steve as they finished drawing several vile of his blood.

“He deserved more than this,” commented Steve. Peggy looked to him with soft eyes.

“He’d be proud that you're the one it worked on, he’d be proud of both of you,” She affirmed.

“Thanks, Peg,” I said as I lifted myself up off the cot and headed to the door. She and Steve followed. We made our way to the bottom floor where Howard Stark was working on the small submarine the gunman used to try and escape. Colonel Phillips stood a few feet away from him with Senator Brandt. I overheard them talking of Hydra, but before I could explain to the senator who they were, Peggy beat me to it.

Colonel Phillips turned to us, “I have word that the SSR is being retasked. Pack your bags Agent Carter, Agent Rogers, You too Stark. We will be flying out to London tonight.”

“Sir?” Steve called out. “If you’re going after hydra, I want in.”

“You’re an experiment Rogers, you’re being sent to Alamogordo.” The Coronel asserted.

“But Coronel the serum worked, I can help.”

“Son, I asked for an army and all I got was you and your sister. You both aren't enough, at least Agent Rogers was on this team before the experiment happened.” the Colonel started to walk away again, but stopped when I called out to him.

“With all due respect Sir. I refuse to go anywhere without Steve. Either I go with him or he comes with me. I won't take no for an answer Sir.” The look he gave me could have killed but I couldn't care less.

“Agent Rogers, You better be on that plane by the time it takes off or you can kiss this job goodbye. Rogers can’t come with you either, I won't allow it.” He commanded and stormed out of the room.

The Senator spoke up then. “I think the Coronel here is missing the point. I've seen you in action, Steve. The country has seen it too. See here,” He hands Steve a newspaper, “The enlistment lines have been around the block since you came out in the paper. The people need a symbol, and you don't put a symbol in a lab.” He took Steve by the arm and led him off a few feet, but I could still hear him. “Would you like to serve your country on the most important battlefield of all?”

“Sir, that's all I have ever wanted to do,” Steve says.

“Well then son, you’ve just been promoted.” Said the Senator as he shook Steve's hand. I could already tell this wasn’t going to go the way Steve thought it would.

“Steve, Come here a second,” I called and walked over to a secluded corner of the room. I waited for him to come to me. “Steve, he's not going to give you the fight you want to be a part of. I wouldn’t take his offer,” I warned.

“It’s okay, I want to be a part of this fight in any way I can. You shouldn’t stay behind because of me. You have important work you need to do, go with the Coronel and Agent Carter.” Steve said, almost sounding like he was begging me to go with them.

“I said I wasn’t going without you. I don’t want you to do this alone, we’ve always had each other, why stop now?”

“Kid, I know you want to be here with me, to give me your support, but you have an important job. People are relying on you, you can't just do that job because of me. I’ll be fine, look at me, I’m not some sickly kid from Brooklyn anymore.”

“You know, I hate when you’re right.” I crossed my arms and huffed. “Fine, I’ll go with them, just know I will not enjoy a moment of this.”

“Thank you.” he pulled me into a strong hug.

“One more thing. How come you got taller and really buff? I just got more defined muscles, that's not fair.” I complained and he just laughed and shook his head.

“Go pack your bags kid, I'll see you soon.” He gave me a small push towards the door and just like that I was off to the war front.

Taglist: @underc0vercryptid-reads

[lyssafreyguy]

so. um! lol

Baby's surgery consult happened! we were there for what felt like ages (I got there right before our appointment at around 12:10 and finally got checked out at around 2:30) but it happened . . . it Happened.

the specialist gave Baby a nice shaving and got a good look at what was on his chest and talked about what i was more or less expecting: it's exposed, it's clearly infected, surgical removal is what's recommended as what would be best in terms of treatment and recovery, etc.

what i wasn't expecting tho was the news that Baby also has what they believe to be a sizeable mass in his uterus

according to him the size of the mass itself isn't the main issue; it's whether it's malignant or benign and whether it's contained or has had a chance to spread throughout his body- they would need to do some imaging in order to figure out that second point and a proper biopsy once any surgery is completed to look into the first one

that being said he's hopeful that surgery can either help with or straight up get rid of the problem . . . but considering the possibility of it having spread or his infection becoming septic or the fact that as an 8 year old rabbit his life expectancy post surgery is kinda up in the air there's just as much of a chance that we might have to put him down

he assured me that he wouldn't ever consider us making that choice as the wrong one in our situation because he knows that what we're looking at is stressful for both him and us and extensive and expensive (the visit today along with all the new meds they gave me came to a little over $300 and the estimate he gave me for the CT scan to get a look at what's going on would be a little over $950 and luckily i had the money to pay for today but i would definitely need extra support for the CT and any surgery we go through with)- i definitely want the CT scan to happen at the very least so i'll be scheduling for that soon but the rest i'll have to talk to my family about

i've had the time to sorta calm down since we left the building but i'm still mentally and emotionally tired and really fucking sad- as much as i kept on fixating on the idea that what was going on could be as bad as it was i was still kinda hoping that it like. wouldn't be. i know that logically i shouldn't and i know what they told me but there's this sense of moral failure as his owner that's sitting in my chest and i can tell it's gonna be there for a good while.

but for now we're home with a whole new round of pain meds and a capsule of penicillin and i know how to give a rabbit injections now! again: kinda rad. i think.

i know for a fact that this is most likely gonna have a visible effect on me while i'm at work and at home but i don't know how it'll affect my presence on here- i might keep posting like normal or i might be pretty quiet while just letting my queue run. maybe any posts that i make on here will be really fucking depressing and concerning and nothing else for a little while. we'll see.

either way i appreciate the work and compassion of my primary vet and our specialist so far and know that if anyone on here replies to this post or sends me an ask or a DM or anything i honestly probably won't answer back but please know that i love and appreciate y'all just as much and that i'm not making a point to ignore anyone

deep down i know everything will eventually be alright. life goes on.

[justinsdaysinthedark]

Post # 6 - It is what it is

I'd be lying if I said I haven't spent the past half an hour with tears flowing from my eyes staring at a blank screen wondering how I'm going to get everything I've got floating in my head out. I suppose listening to Coldplay live in Argentina probably wasn't the best choice of music to set the mood. I'll work on that one in the future...

Where do I start? It's been a question I'm often asking myself at the start of these blog posts and it's certainly not the easiest one. What do you guys know? There's been so much happen since my last post on Thursday night.

Friday July 26th: I saw my doctors around lunchtime who came in quite concerned. Whilst they were confident my lymphoma was one called DLBCL (Diffuse Large B- Cell Lymphoma), some tests had come back with suspect results that it could be a more aggressive and harsh type of lymphoma called Burkitt's lymphoma and if confirmed, chemo was starting that night with no time to waste. There was also one marked in the middle (a cross of the two) called Burkitt's Like Lymphoma which is treated similarly to DLBCL. Whatever it was, I couldn't change it. I just wanted answers and if treatment needed to start, let's get it underway!

Adam, my incredible haematology doctor sent off another test of my gall bladder to finally get the confirmation I was after. It was urgent. He had to know. It was reassuring of Adam to state "Justin, we need to know what this is. Preliminary results are due back later this afternoon and that will hopefully rule out Burkitt's. if it is Burkitt's, we'll start chemo tonight and I'll be with you every step of the way - even if I have to stay back a few hours."

I know doctors earn a fair coin on a lazy day, but how many give you that much confidence that you and your health is important to them? I'm going to have it a guess and say not many but alas, I am so incredibly lucky with the team of doctors I have.

4:00pm and Adam strolls in the door heading straight for my room. My heart drops, similarly to what it had when Michael dropped the news I had lymphoma. "Good news. Preliminary results are back and we're confident it's not Burkitt's. You can't rule out anything in life, so there still is a small chance it could be. We're happy to wait for the final results on Monday, figure out a treatment plan from there and start Chemotherapy next week. Spend Saturday and Sunday on day leave and I'll see you next week."

This was news to my ears. In a time of what has been negative or no news, I could spend the weekend with family relatively freely and forget everything was happening for a few hours each day. My Uncle Bob and Aunty Denise were down from Tasmania to see me, as was my Aunty AJ and cousins from Bairnsdale so it all felt like it fit into place.

Friday night saw me considerably more relaxed with this news...that was until Collingwood started and it was the demolition it was. Slightly humorous side note, the nurse came in around 9pm for my nightly observations. Naturally, my heart rate was up a bit more than normal watching the football (118BPM - normally between 70-85BPM). This caused the nurse to call in the team of doctors who wanted to put me on an ECG machine for the night and monitor my heart. I assured them it was because Collingwood were on and if they gave me an hour, I'd be okay. It took some convincing, but it finally worked. Back they came an hour later and it had gone down - crisis averted.

Saturday afternoon and evening was wonderful. I went down to dads for dinner and was fortunate enough to spend some much needed time with family over a beautiful dinner and good laugh.

Sunday was much the same. I went home, mum did a fair chunk of washing for me as I spent it being me. Seeing Courtney, napping in my own bed and even headed over to Fountain Gate and got some much needed new clothes and other miscellaneous items - something that seems so simple but is such a luxury when you've spent the past 15 days in hospital.

Monday July 29th: They say the more you think positively, the more positive news you shall receive....or it goes something like that right? I woke up this morning the most upbeat and best I'd felt in weeks. I felt fine. I felt no pain, almost like I'd woken up from a shitty hotel! In all honesty, I felt like I'm abusing the system however I keep being quickly reminded how much I need to be here. Did I wake up so positive because I lived my old life for 16 hours over the weekend? Is it because I was hoping to hear a reasonably positive outcome with this lymphoma test? Probably a mix of both if I'm honest. But whatever it was, I was hopeful.

Adam came around at roughly 10:00am. Didn't really have much for me in terms of news but more of an outline of the day. If they hear the results of the test they were waiting on, they'd write me up a treatment plan ASAP and get chemo started this afternoon. At worst, I'd be starting it tomorrow (Tuesday). They just needed that definitive answer of what type of lymphoma I have - an answer I'd love more than anybody.

Either way, we agreed i'd need a PICC (Peripherally Inserted Central Catheter) line in which basically is a long-term cannula. It runs from the inside of my arm right up and around and stops basically just outside my heart. This is for easy access for the chemotherapy and even an easy exit for blood tests - something that's proven incredibly difficult to take from me over the past few days. Additionally, these lines can last up to six months verses the three days you get from a cannula. There were too many positives to say no to!

This wasn't scheduled for any time in particular, so 1:00pm came around and I was about to be taken to get the PICC line in.

Just as I was about to leave, Adam came in with a few words I'm all too familiar with. "Well, the pathology tests we were waiting on have come back inconclusive..."

Woah. Wait. What? How do tests of my gall bladder that was removed six days ago come back inconclusive? How does one of the main sources not have enough 'data' to tell them what sort of lymphoma I have? I was just stunned.

Adam continued "As a result, we can see some signs of Burkitt's lymphoma and that's what we're going to treat you for. You're young. You should be able to handle it and it's better to over treat you than under treat and be stuck where we are at the moment. It's an intense 16-day chemo treatment that will totally wipe out your red and white blood cells as well as your platelets. We foresee you being in here for another 3-5 weeks, depending on how well your body goes getting these levels back up to normal post this first treatment..."

I honestly say this but that's all I remember from this conversation. I was hoping I'd be heading home this week but looks like that definitely won't be happening. Today marks day 40 of the past 55 days in hospital (day 15 of this stint) and if I go off the longest suggested time expected, I have another 35 days to go. That honestly crushed me.

I got taken down to get my PICC line in - quite an easy process. Very similar to putting in a larger cannula, just a whole lot longer and uses local anaesthetic as well as being guided by an ultrasound and X-ray. I'm lucky enough to have two ports, which will hopefully speed up some of my medication and how much they can pump in. Does it feel weird? The only weird part was feeling it slide down past and near my heart - but that's okay now!

By the time I return, dad made his was in to try and help process the news. We get Adam in to once again explain the process. In layman's terms, I'll be starting an intense and high-dose 16-day chemotherapy program kicking off tomorrow (Tuesday) morning. Most of the time across the next 16 days, I'll be hooked up via IV drip getting whatever medication is required. I think I saw I have rest days on days 7 & 8 which I suppose will give me two days to look forward to. At the end of the day, it's something I'm not certain on and will be a day by day process and constant learning about what's going into my body to help fight with me.

I do have one request for you all. With my body not producing red or white blood cells or platelets over the next few weeks, I do request if you are planning to visit however are sick to stay away those extra few days. With my immune system going to be at the lowest it's been, I don't particularly want to pick up something I don't need. Additionally, as much as I'd love flowers, they're also banned due to the infection risk of the spores mixing with the chemotherapy and causing some dangerous damage from the inside.

At the end of the day, if you're not sure please message me and check as I'm not entirely sure myself about everything. I'm constantly learning as I'm going.

How am I feeling? I'm nervous. I'm nervous at the unknown. How will this affect me? How bad am I going to feel? Will I lose my hair? What will my energy levels be like? In advance, I do apologise if over the next few weeks I'm not myself. Truth be told, that's because I probably won't be.

In a way, i'm finally excited to start my treatment first thing tomorrow morning (after yet ANOTHER lumbar puncture). I was so envious of both people next to me getting their first rounds of chemo today. I know mine will be intense but I just can't wait.

I've learnt so much about cancer and chemotherapy over the past four days and I know there's so much more to learn. Today I learnt I'll be incredibly highly cytotoxic, which basically means all needles and anything used on me need to go in a separate bin just for me. Additionally, I'll have to get used to the good old double flush after the toilet to ensure all waste is disposed of. Mouth ulcers are a big issue with most chemo patients as well. I'll have to start brushing my teeth after every meal and taking a special mouthwash 3x daily to assist with keeping these under control. There's plenty of other little things, but they're two I least expected.

Everything really hit me last night....not like it did tonight though. I just had twenty minutes to reflect and it just became a sudden realisation. What I'm going through is real. It's not a 'joke' anymore. It's not something they're looking at as a potential cause. It is the cause. I have a legitimate medical issue and it's finally time to fight lymphoma. All well and good to be talking the talk like I have been - it's now time to walk the walk. This sits well with me. If I give somebody my word, I do whatever I can to get it achieved. Unfortunately for the lymphoma throughout my body I've given it my word and it's time to fight it. Round one begins tomorrow morning.

I leave tonight feeling a whole lot better than I did when I started tonight's post. I didn't learn from my words earlier as Coldplay live from Argentina is still playing however I'm in a much more comfortable mind space.

My best friend of a lazy 20 years, Dylan visited tonight with his partner, Jacqui. One phrase popped up more than most and they made me aware it was a common phrase coming out of my mouth.

"It is what it is."

I can't control what's happened to me as "it is what it is." What I can control from here though is how I fight lymphoma. Thanks for the visit tonight guys, I appreciated the two hours spent here in what's been an incredibly tough afternoon.

Much love.

Juzz xx

[mollyencrypted]

I posted 704 times in 2021

96 posts created (14%)

608 posts reblogged (86%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 6.3 posts.

I added 1,142 tags in 2021

#burdened with glorious queue - 356 posts

#art - 241 posts

#lovecraftiana - 112 posts

#yog-sothothery - 101 posts

#dreamquesting - 85 posts

#star trek lower decks - 65 posts

#pacific rim - 57 posts

#au - 44 posts

#kaiju - 41 posts

#monsterverse - 40 posts

Longest Tag: 132 characters

#(but yeah out of the modern treks that have aired so far lower decks is the only one that feels like star trek for this very reason)

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

Potential Fanfiction-y Interspecies Compatibility Issues That Aren't Sexual:

"So I saw the doctor today, and it turns out the reason I've been sneezing all the time is because I'm allergic to you."

"Dude, I have someone coming over in half an hour but I completely forgot they can't use the same kind of chairs as me, you gotta help me figure something out before they get here!"

"I'm so happy to have been invited to visit your family, but there seems to have been a communication failure because my species is completely incapable of consuming and processing any of the food they've set out for me and I don't know how to tell them that without seeming rude"

"The way my species expresses casual affection is impossible/highly uncomfortable for yours so it looks like we'll have to come up with something new!"

Alternatively, "The way your species tends to show affection is usually interpreted as an insult among mine, so wow this is awkward."

"Your species is nocturnal and mine is diurnal; do we really like each other enough to fuck up our sleep schedules for this relationship?"

"I like you a lot but living in your atmosphere/gravity would literally kill me, why does this always happen?"

30 notes • Posted 2021-03-12 14:52:15 GMT

#4

So I've downloaded this free constellations app on my phone because, y'know, I like stargazing but never have any clue what I'm looking at because I know jack shit about astronomy or astrology.

Anyway, my new hobby is fucking around with it and finding the Absolute Worst Constellations I can. So far, I have found:

TRIANGULUM

Literally just a big ol' space triangle. Anyone can draw a triangle between three stars. You're not special, Triangulum. The image overlay isn't even the same orientation as the star triangle, so nobody's winning here.

FORNAX

See the full post

31 notes • Posted 2021-02-09 18:58:44 GMT

#3

'Formerly-reasonable character falls for chaotic bastard and is made more chaotic and bastardous through exposure to that person's chaotic bastard found family' is an oddly specific ship dynamic, and yet I've gone for it twice. Once for a show I don't even watch.

46 notes • Posted 2021-03-26 08:59:20 GMT

#2

A Short List of Songs that Jaskier, Court Bard and Consort to the White Wolf, Warlord of the North, has absolutely performed the AWAU's versions of in the Great Hall of Kaer Morhen:

The Mariner's Revenge Song

Moby Duck

Oak & Ash & Thorn

Yarmouth Town (after Ciri's gone to sleep, of course)

The Last Seskatchewan Pirate

Hoist Up the Thing

Honourable mention goes to The Courtship of the Mermaid, which gives me very strong Jaskier vibes but which I don't think would translate into a medieval fantasy setting and still be funny, and Lillibulero, which would not get the Geralt Seal of Approval due to its inclusion of devils (not a thing) and misogyny (should not be a thing), although Ciri would probably enjoy hearing about the farmer's wife murdering her way out of the underworld.

(@inexplicifics, I submit these for your consideration)

85 notes • Posted 2021-02-07 12:44:42 GMT

#1

So, the King Lear On The Continent AU (AKA, the one where @inexplicifics' Warlord Geralt keeps getting dragged into everyone else's petty political bullshit, and Cordelia has rather complicated feelings about her terrible family):

The thing is, Cordelia is not a politically savvy woman. She isn't cunning as her sisters are, cannot play the games of flattery and falsehood that will allow her to survive. What she is is observant. She listens, she talks to people, and she knows that in the Wolf's lands the people have well-kept roads and well-stocked stores, the peasantry can afford to change their clothes, there are no unscrupulous nobles diverting the wealth of their people into their own purses. And in the Wolf's lands, the exiled third daughter of a senile King from a country that few people even remember exists might have prospects outside of a whorehouse or gutter. Might even have a chance to save her family from themselves.

The court sorceress, Lady Miranda, is young and naïve, barely more than a student, and cannot reconcile Cordelia's unjust banishment with her image of Lear the benevolent, the just, the noble, but Cordelia has always counted her as a friend, and so whilst her father professes not to care where she ends up, be it desert or marshland or the bottom of the sea, Miranda hears her request to be portalled to Wolvenberg.

In Wolvenberg, she steels herself, squares her shoulders, tries to capture that same indomitable spirit that runs through her sisters, and that once ran through their mother too. And she walks into the closest inn - the Griffin's Eyrie, and scans the interior. There's a group of Witchers drinking in the corner - she's thought they might be there, if they're anything like her father's soldiers - and she strides up to them, trying very hard to ignore the fact that she is very young, and not very skilled in self-defense, and these men are very big. And she drops to one knee, and begs them to escort her to the Wolf, where she might request sanctuary. She's expecting them to leer or look down her dress or...well, she's not really sure what else and doesn't want to know either, but the point is, they don't do any of those things. One of them gives her a hand and helps her up, and his companions finish up their drinks, and nobody seems at all suspicious of her motives, and isn't that peculiar? But now is not the time to be unpacking all of that.

She spends three days with the four Witchers - Griffins, she learns, on their way back from a hunt - who continue to treat her courteously and not very much like her father's soldiers at all, before they finally reach Kaer Morhen and she is brought before the White Wolf, Warlord of the North, and hopes that behind that unreadable expression is a heart that will see fit to help her. She tells him about her father, his failing mind and growing ego and the way she and her sisters - sharp-tongued Goneril and volatile Regan - grew up, always competing with each other for his love and attention, the way he has now left himself at the mercy of two women who have no reason to love him back, raised with the knowledge that they will never be as good as sweet demure Cordelia and faced with the sight of him casting aside even her, and she begs him to please, help her fix it, because she knows she has every right to resent him and she does but she still doesn't want him dead and her sisters will show no mercy.

As she speaks, she feels rather foolish for daring to think that the most powerful man on the Continent would listen to the pleas of a disgraced ex-princess from a nowhere-country, but when she is finished he hmms and retreats to speak with his Council. And Cordelia is lead away by a young woman in a blue-and-red silk dress, who introduces herself as Milena and offers to help her clean herself up.

In the end, the decision is made that the Wolf will not invade Cordelia's former homeland (and she's relieved at that), but that he'll lend her a small force, comprised of eight Griffins, to provide numbers and Lambert, to speak for the Wolf and guard her and Milena, who is apparently his wife (or something like that, Cordelia isn't sure) and whose presence will hopefully make it clear that this is very much not an invasion (and also to stab anyone who gets too close to Cordelia and shouldn't be there.)

Cordelia's terrible family end up gathered in one of the council chambers, and Cordelia gets to work, with her escorts staring down anybody attempting to object. Her father has formally abdicated the throne and isn't in a fit mental state to re-ascend anyway; she asks his cousin if he'll be willing to host the old king at his estate, and that's that problem taken care of. His cousin, whom she's always called 'uncle', is just as short-sighted as he is, but he's loyal and trustworthy and will ensure he spends the rest of his days in comfort.

Finding someone to take the throne is a little harder - her father has no sons, neither of her sisters can be trusted with that much power, and she herself is certainly out of the running - but her uncle's eldest son is of royal blood and is a truly good and responsible man. He's almost as naïve as she once was, but his brother is anything but, and although he's technically illegitimate, giving him a title and land of his own ought to keep him loyal enough to the new King that he'll make a decent advisor. Both her sisters would have been far happier in the military, but there's nothing Cordelia can do about that, and so she requests that they be given advisory positions too, and her father's former chief advisor, blunt and honest, to appoint anybody else necessary and keep them in line.

Cordelia herself cannot stay in the kingdom, although now-King Edgar has rescinded her banishment. She cannot remain in court after bringing the Wolf's forces upon the country, and she cannot bear to stay with her father after his treatment of her (she loves him, but she does not like him especially much, after all of this), and so she returns to Kaer Morhen. And...it's good, is what it is. Witchers can smell lies, it turns out, and so people are honest in a way her father's court rarely was, and she makes friends quickly - Milena, Oliwia, Aleksander, Jaskier... and maybe they haven't found a real job for her yet, but she can sew and spin and sing a little bit. She'll make a place for herself here somehow, and she'll work through her complicated mess of feelings eventually.

It's going to be alright.

No, really.

94 notes • Posted 2021-02-03 19:18:53 GMT

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