#we’re just renting the house but still!!! so excited to be in a house instead of an apartment!!!

[stinkrascal]

i need to find a plug NOW but im so scared to meet new people. how do u ask people heyyy you smoke weed? without sounding like a narc HOW

[twirlyleafs]

Falling apart, alone.

Lando Norris x reader

Summary: The season has been brutal, everyone could see it. Everyone could see Lando struggling. You could see it too, you just didn’t know how to help him when he so clearly didn’t want your help. PART 2

TW: bad mental health, anger, helplessness.

Notes: all I want in life is for Lando to be happy ngl I love that boy. Also sorry max <3 ALSO I got an anonymous tip to add summaries so I’m trying that thank u anon!! xx

~~~~

The sun hung low in the sky, illuminating the almost unbelievably blue water and bouncing off the golden cliffs. Your eyes had been caught out the window ever since you got out along the coastline, Lando maneuvering the car along the squiggly road. The blur of golden hues, olive trees and colorful villas had you let out a content sigh.

The break couldn’t have come at a better time. That’s the thought that constantly ran through your mind. This break, a three week break from everything that racing and f1 brought with it, came at the last minute and you couldn’t be more grateful. The season was grueling, both physically and mentally. You’d watched Lando push himself harder than ever, the pride of being on top overshadowed by a desire to do better. You could see how the weight of expectations, both others and his own, dragged him down like an anchor and you felt for him. His smiles had started to falter and the usually bright light in his eyes had been dimmed these past few months, only getting worse with each race weekend. He needed this, time away from the spotlight and the relentless scrutiny from the media. Time to just relax and be reminded that he’s loved, loved and appreciated. Max and P were already waiting for you at the villa you’d rented for the week, a little house tucked into the Italian hills. When Max brought it up as a suggestion you’d immediately accepted, not even giving Lando the chance to decline. Max was his safe space just as much as you were and the more people to support him the better, you thought. You hadn’t told Lando this of course, instead expressing how much you’d always wanted to rent a house on the Italian coast, but some part of you still believed he knew this was mostly for him. For his health.

You glanced over at him in the drivers seat, one hand securely on the steering wheel and the other resting on the console between you. His curls had gotten longer recently, almost dropping down over his eyebrows, and you made a mental note to offer to cut his hair while you were here. If he’d let you. Your heart ached at the tightness of his jaw and you gently reached over to wrap your fingers around his larger ones. Lando immediately glanced over at you, a small smile tugging at his lips as he flipped his hand to intertwine with yours.

“What?” He asked softly. “Why are you staring?”

“Nothing.” You smiled, leaned over to press a gentle kiss against his shoulder. “I’m just excited. We’re almost there, right?” When Lando nodded you let out a soft breath. “I’m happy we’re doing this. It’s going to be so nice.”

“Me too.” Landos smile had grown, although there was a flicker of something else in his eyes. Something somber. He brought your hand over to press a quick series of kisses against it before focusing back on the road, the silence settling in the car again. Just a few minutes later you rolled to a stop outside the villa, the epitome of picturesque with pale stone walls and green shutters surrounded by cypress trees. The front door opened just as you stepped out of the car, both Max and Pietra slipping out with huge smiles on their faces. You beamed as P skipped down the steps, hurrying over to wrap you up in a hug and greeting you with the type of enthusiasm that made you feel welcome and wanted.

“You’re late.” Max teased loudly as he offered you a hug, P moving to lovingly greet Lando.

“We took the longer route, more scenery.” Lando quipped back, backing away as Max approached him. You stopped to watch them, a smile tugging at your lips when you heard Lando let out a laugh as Max grabbed him in a playful headlock. Maxs laugh was louder, ruffling Landos hair before he finally managed to wrangle himself free. Watching them you felt a flicker off hope. If Max could pull a laugh from Lando after thirty seconds, maybe a week together would really do Lando some good.

The first few days in the villa passed in a haze of slow mornings and lazy afternoons, the four of you enjoying the quiet and each other’s company. Lando and Max made it a routine to take a morning run together while you and P prepared breakfast, all of you eating together on the patio when they got back. The breakfasts usually went on way onto midday, time not really being an issue for any of you. It felt like the rest of the world was on pause and you had all the time in the world. You would catch Lando smiling, the kind that actually reached his eyes and made you believe he might actually be doing better. But those moments didn’t last. It was the small things; the way his gaze would drift during conversations or the way he picked at his own cuticles until he started bleeding. He laughed and joked like normal but there was an edge to it, almost forced, and if you and Max and Pietra hadn’t known him as well as you did you never would’ve noticed. You also noticed how often he’d excuse himself for a few moments, disappearing under the guise of checking emails or answering calls. One evening the four of you were gathered in the living room, Lando absentmindedly rubbing circles on your back as you handed out the cards for the upcoming round of poker. The game started lighthearted enough, Maxs usual trash talk and both you and P calling him out when he tried to cheat. Lando made a rare mistake and before he could think Max called him out for it, teasing him about being off his game. You could see the way Landos jaw tightened, a flicker of something darker flashing across his face before he forced a strained smile. A comment like that was normal, usually nothing anyone reacted to, but it obviously got under his skin tonight and once again the worry settled in your stomach. That night, laying in bed together, you reached out to gently run your fingers through his curls. Lando hummed, opening one eye to glance at you.

”You okay?” The careful question had him pressing his eyes shut again, offering a nod.

”Yeah, of course. Just tired. Are you?” You knew he wasn’t but you didn’t want to push, didn’t know how he’d react, so you just mirrored his nod before shuffling closer. Lando wrapped you up in his arms, pressing a soft kiss against the top of your head.

The days went on like that, a wobbly line between worry and relaxation, until one evening. You and P were already sprawled out on the couch, tucked under a blanket each as you scrolled through the different streaming services.

”Im telling you, the parent trap is a classic.” Pietra declared, reaching over to grab her glass of wine. You couldn’t help but roll your eyes.

”It’s a classic you’ve already made us watch like three times.” She laughed at that, nudging you back after you softly kicked her. As you continued bickering over the movie for the night low voices could be heard from the kitchen. Max and Lando had been there for a while, preparing the snacks, but from where you sat in the living room you didn’t notice the tension brewing.

Lando stood with his back against the counter, his jaw tight as he watched Max lean against the opposite side of the kitchen island. Max’s brows were furrowed in worry while Landos eyes were dark, angry.

”Im not saying you have to quit.” Max spoke in a low voice, laced with concern. ”I’m just saying, maybe it’s worth it to consider it? Or at least a break, before things get worse.”

”I don’t need a break.” Lando let out a bitter scoff, shaking his head. ”And I’m definitely not quitting. I just need to push through.”

”Push through what? This season? Next? For how long? You’re exhausted Lando, we can all see it. You’re not sleeping, barely eating-”

”You’re exaggerating. Im fine.”

”You’re not!” Max’s voice rose, the frustration he felt breaking through. ”You’re not fine Lan, stop saying that.”

”You’re acting like I’m about to fall apart Max, it’s not that-”

”Not about to.” Max interrupted him, words hard and snappy. ”You are falling apart. I can see it, I know what that looks like. I’ve been there, you know I have. You think I don’t recognize the signs?” Lando visibly stiffened, hands gripping the counter behind him roughly enough to turn his knuckles white. He was quiet for a moment before speaking again, voice laced with venom.

”This isn’t like that Max. It’s not the same.”

”Isn’t it?” His voice cracked slightly as Max stared at his best friend. ”I know it’s hard to admit that you’re struggling Lando, especially when you’re under as much pressure as you are but please, you have to let us help you. If you keep going like this-“

”Just because you couldn’t handle it doesn’t mean I can’t.” The words cut through the room like a knife, Max flinching as if he actually got cut. Silence settled in the kitchen, save for the faint hum of the refrigerator and the distant giggles from you and P out in the living room. When Max stayed silent Lando felt the need to speak again, although his words had lost their harshness. ”I’m not you.”

”No, you’re not.” Max nodded, voice steady but clearly hurt. ”But you’re not that different. You’re not invincible Lando and pretending you are…it’s only going to make things worse.”

”I don’t need a lecture. I am fine, even if you don’t believe it. I’m handling it.”

”Handling it? You call this handling it?” Landos face flushed as Max raised his voice again. ”Snapping at me, shutting out your girlfriend, acting like you don’t have a care in the world-”

”You don’t know what you’re talking about.” Lando interrupted, his own voice getting louder too. 
”I know exactly what I’m talking about!” Max shot back, his frustration spilling over. ”I’ve fucking been where you are, I know what it’s like to feel like you can’t afford to stop, like the weight of it all is going to crush you if you admit you need help but come on Lando, snap the fuck out of it. This, what you’re doing now, its self-destruction.” The words hung in the air, heavy and raw. For a moment Landos expression faltered, the anger on his face shifting into somethings else, maybe fear, but just as quickly he masked it again. With a shake of his head he turned his gaze away, crossing his arms over his chest. Max realized he wouldn’t be able to break through Landos walls, not tonight, and with a resigned sigh he stepped back. His lips parted, as if he wanted to say something, but shook his head instead before walking out. Both yours and Pietras heads snapped up as he walked past the living room, having heard the last couple of sentences exchanged between the two men. When Max’s gaze found your worried one he simply shrugged his shoulders.

”What-” you began, not finding the words.

”I don’t know. I tried, I really did but he doesn’t want help.”

When you slowly entered the kitchen a few minutes later Lando was still standing tensely, bracing himself against the counter. He didn’t look up when you entered and the tension radiating of him was almost scary. When you softly spoke his name, taking a step closer, he flinched.

”Don’t.” His voice was sharp enough to make you pause. Swallowing harshly you forced yourself to stay calm, your voice to stay soft.

”I just want to talk.”

”Well I don’t.” He finally lifted his face, glaring at you. The anger in his eyes should’ve made you back down but the unshed tears glossing them had your heart aching instead. ”I don’t need you telling me what to do too.”

”No one is trying to tell you what to do Lando. We’re just worried about you, you’re not doing well-”

”Worried about me. Right. What did Max say to you? That I’m losing it? That I need to quit?”

”No,” you argued, frowning. ”No Max didn’t say anything to me but we’ve all seen you these past months, not to talk about these last days. We’re all-”

”Worried! Yeah I fucking get it.” Your eyes widened as he raised his voice, not being used to him speaking to you like this. ”You’re all looking at me like I’m fucking crazy but I’m not. I don’t need your help, I don’t want your help, so just fuck off for a while and let me deal with it.” You stared at him, heart slowly cracking open. He was unraveling infront of you and you didn’t know what to do, how to help him, and you felt like the worst girlfriend in the world. The worst friend. His words stung, sure, but you didn’t really have time to think about how he hurt you when all you could think about was getting through to him.

”I just want you to be okay, Lando.” Your words were mere whispers, broken by the amount of concern and sadness you felt. Landos eyes flickered away, the veins in his neck popping as he clenched his jaw. For a moment you had hope he might say something, anything, but he stayed silent. You felt your throat tighten, the tears pressing behind your eyes, and you realized you didn’t have anything else to say. Nothing that he would listen to anyway. Instead you whispered how much you loved him before turning and walking away. The living room felt colder when you returned, the sympathetic expression on Pietras face as you sunk down in the couch enough for the tears to start flowing. As you curled up against P your thoughts swirled in a chaotic mess. You felt helpless, as if no matter how hard you tried it was never enough to reach him. He was slipping further and further away and you didn’t know how to pull him back. Maybe it wasn’t just him, you thought, maybe it was you. You replayed the moment in the kitchen, voice soft as you tried to get through to him only for his anger to snap back at you. You’d never seen him like that, so defensive, and it had left you shaken. But more than that, it left you questioning yourself. How could you stand there and call yourself his girlfriend when you couldn’t even get him to listen to you? What were you doing wrong? You wanted to be his anchor, his support, the person who helped him shoulder the weight he carried. But right now, it felt like everything you did only pushed him further away. Now, with P’s arms around you, unsuccessfully shielding you from the cold reality of the evening, you couldn’t stop the creeping sense of failure.

”I don’t know what to do.” You whispered, shoulders shaking with sobs. Pietra and Max exchanged glances over your head, somber expressions on their faces. Neither did they.

[agaypanic]

Benny weir x reader. Can you do one where Benny gets an online gf but have never met irl but she knows everything about the gang and him included the supernatural parts. Anyways Benny is like ALWAYS bragging about her but the gang fully just don't believe she's real. So reader flies out and decides to move to where Benny lives to surprise him. She tries really hard to wait to surprise him when he gets home from school but she just caught a glimpse of him while he was messing around outside the school and just couldn't resist running up and kissing him! Benny is? Shocked. The gang is? Shocked. Reader is? Love sick. Once Benny realized who it was he started to get so excited and not believing she was actually here all while Ethan is just like, who tf is this hot girl that's trying to get in Benny's pants rn?. And Benny has to literally make reader say she's his gf to make them believe him finally-🐇

Summer Love (Benny Weir X Reader)

Masterlist

Request Something!

Summary: Benny’s friends don’t believe him when he tells them he has a girlfriend.

A/N: I’m having the reader move because of her parents’ work instead of just for Benny bc idk it feels a lil weird for a teenager to move for their s/o and not even telling their s/o that they’re moving

***

School had just ended for the summer, and you were racing home. Your boyfriend had made a habit of facetiming you when you were out of school, but you were hiding something from him that you really wanted to keep a secret.

After greeting your parents, you went to your room. It was filled with boxes, bubble wrap, and suitcases. Your boyfriend couldn’t see this. It would ruin the surprise.

Suddenly, your phone started ringing. You pushed everything off your bed and ensured there was nothing out of the norm around you. Deciding that everything would look fine, you answered the phone. “Hey, Y/n!” His regular grin widened when you popped up on his screen.

“Hey, Benny!” You and Benny met last summer when he was taking a road trip and went through your town. You were waitressing at the diner he and his grandma stopped at. Usually, you’d roll your eyes whenever some rando tried flirting with you, especially when you were working. But there was just something different about Benny.

It might have been the fact that he was a warlock, but he insisted that it was his amazing charisma.

“So, how was your last day of school?” He didn’t see anything out of the ordinary with your surroundings, or if he did, he didn’t say anything.

The two of you talked for about an hour before you got a text from your mom. It said something about her needing your help loading boxes into the moving van that your family had rented. You sighed.

“I gotta go; my mom needs help with something.”

“Okay, Baby. I’ll talk to you tonight?”

“Of course, Bens.” After saying your goodbyes, you hung up and ran downstairs to help your mom.

“How was your talk with Benny?” Your mom asked as you carried a heavy box out of the house.

“He didn’t suspect a thing.” You didn’t like keeping secrets from someone you cared about, especially one this big. But you knew it would be totally worth it.

“What are you gonna do when we’re on the road?”

“I told him that people were fixing the power lines on our block starting tomorrow, so we can only text or call until the power and wifi are back on. But no facetime.”

“Smart. How are you gonna surprise him?”

You hauled the box into the van, dusting your hands off.

“Still figuring that out.”

***

After lengthy drives and your parents constantly switching between driving the car or the moving van, you had finally made it to Whitechapel, Ontario. Your dad was offered a promotion in one of the corporate offices of his company, which just so happened to be in the same town that your long-distance boyfriend lived in. To say you were ecstatic to hear the news was an understatement. You remember grabbing your phone as fast as you could, about to call Benny, when you paused. Something this big shouldn’t be told over the phone.

So you decided to just tell him when you saw him. Now, you were just debating on how to do it.

After unpacking a good amount of your stuff into the new house, you told your parents that you were going to explore Whitechapel. It would give you both time to think about how you’d surprise Benny and time to get used to your new surroundings.

Whitechapel was very beautiful when you didn’t think about the freaky supernatural stuff that your boyfriend and his friends encountered almost daily. Even if you didn’t have Benny, you think that you’d still be delighted about this move.

After walking through the park and getting lunch at some little restaurant, you decided to go by the school you would be attending after the summer. It was a decent walking distance from your new house, thank goodness. As you approached the courtyard in front of the main entrance, you heard lots of laughing and talking. There was a group of kids about your age messing around. As you caught the face of the tallest boy, you started to panic.

You must have forgotten that school was going for another week in Whitechapel. Because instead of hanging out at the park or someone’s house, it looked like Benny and his friends were just now leaving school.

If it was just Benny, you’d be all over him by now. But he was with his friends. And his friends were convinced that you didn’t exist. Sure, this could have easily been disproven by a phone or facetime call. But something always prevented you and Benny’s friends from interacting for some reason. One or the other being busy or faulty internet were the main things. But Benny had also shown them pictures of you, and they didn’t believe him.

You had to do something. You were just standing there like a weirdo while your boyfriend and his friends were messing around across the street. You needed to make a decision, either run to Benny or run away from him and figure out how to tell him later.

“Benny!” You yelled as you crossed the empty street. A look of recognition crossed his face before becoming confused. He heard your voice, but there was no way you could be in Whitechapel. “Benny!” He turned to the sound of your voice.

“Y/n?!” He shouted back with an incredulous tone. He started to run towards you, and the two of you met on the sidewalk. He kissed you the second you were in his arms. Months of being apart amplified the passion; you two didn’t even care that his friends were gawking at you.

“Why is Benny making out with her?” Ethan asked. “Who even is she?”

“Maybe he paid her a million dollars,” Erica replied, looking at the scene in front of her with slight disgust.

“Wait, you can do that?” Rory asked.

“What are you doing here?” Benny asked you, refusing to let go of you. “Why didn’t you tell me you’d be here?”

“Surprise.” You smiled. Seeing him on your phone was nothing compared to seeing him standing before you. He looked so pretty, especially when he was smiling at you with a smile that he only gave you. A lovesick smile, as if you were the person for Benny. “You have no idea how much I wanted to tell you, but I wanted to surprise you.”

“Mission accomplished; this is crazy.” He kissed you again. “How long are you gonna be here?”

“Oh, you’ll be seeing a lot of me, Bens. Let’s just say you should change my address on your phone.”

“No way.” He muttered. “Are you serious?”

“Surprise again.” He kissed you to the point where you almost lost your breath, but you didn’t care in the slightest.

“This is probably the best day ever, holy crap.”

“Uh, Benny?” One of his friends called out, making the two of you remember that they were even there. “Wanna tell us what’s going on?” Benny turned around, you still in his hold. He brought you to his friends.

“Guys, this is Y/n. My girlfriend of almost a year that I keep telling you about.” His friends kept looking from you to him. “Y/n, this is-”

“Oh, don’t tell me. I got this.” You pointed to each person before naming them. “Erica, Sarah, and Rory, the vampires. Ethan, seer. And Benny, greatest warlock I know.” Your boyfriend blushed at the compliment and even more when you kissed his cheek.

“Right as always,” Benny said.

“Benny, you told her about us?” Sarah asked, somewhat panicked.

“Of course I did. That’s what you do with someone you’re dating; you tell them stuff.”

“Benny, I know that you’ve been pretty insistent on the fact that you have a girlfriend.” Ethan sighed. “But going as far as to hire someone and tell them very personal stuff about us? That’s crazy.”

“E, I didn’t hire her. She’s my girlfriend.” Benny groaned, frustrated that this debate was still going, even though his girlfriend was standing right in front of his friends. “Y/n, tell them.”

“I’m genuinely Benny’s girlfriend.” You said. “I wasn’t hired to do this; I’ve been dating him for almost a year. We met last year when he and his grandma were on a road trip.”

“I still kinda don’t believe this,” Sarah muttered. You shrugged.

“Well, it’s your guys’ loss if you don’t believe us, I guess.”

It took showing photos, messages, and even questioning Benny’s grandma. But at the end of the day, Benny’s friends finally believed the two of you. They apologized to you for not believing you were real and to Benny for not believing he really had a girlfriend all this time. 

“So, besides thinking you didn’t exist, what did you think of them?” Benny asked you as he walked you home.

“They were pretty cool. I’m kinda scared of Erica, though. She has a very intense energy to her.”

“Don’t worry, she’ll warm up to you. It just takes time.”

“How long did it take for her to warm up to you?” He sighed.

“Still working on it.”

[morgan-va]

Chapter 8: Popcorn and Motor Oil (Serial Designation N x Reader)

Masterlist

“We’re home,” you say, grabbing the first few grocery bags from the back. N perks up immediately, setting the book down carefully before hopping out to help.

Carrying the bags inside is a joint effort, N enthusiastically insisting on taking as many as he can handle without risk of squashing anything fragile. Soon, the kitchen counter is lined with bags, and you both get to work unpacking.

“Where should this go?” N asks, holding up a box of cereal.

“Top shelf of the pantry,” you reply. “It’s the first thing I grab in the morning.”

He nods, placing it precisely where you directed before turning back for the next item. As he organizes the pantry, you handle the fridge, chatting idly about the day as the mundane task becomes surprisingly enjoyable.

“Did you have fun today?” you ask, tucking the milk and eggs into their usual spots.

“Oh, yes!” N replies with a joyful grin, carefully stacking cans of soup. “The park was incredible—those ducks! And the dog… the dog was the best part. I’m so glad humans have such cute pets!”

You laugh softly, watching as he adjusts a slightly crooked stack of pasta boxes, his perfectionist tendencies shining through. “Yeah, dogs are great. Maybe someday…” you trail off, shaking your head.

“Someday what?” N asks, pausing mid-stack to look at you.

“Nothing, just thinking out loud,” you say quickly, brushing off the thought. You focus on the next bag instead, though a small part of you wonders what it would be like to have a dog around.

As the last of the groceries find their homes, N proudly surveys the pantry. “All set! This was fun. I like organizing—it’s… peaceful?”

“Yeah,” you agree, leaning against the counter. “Peaceful sounds about right.”

You glance at the clock, realizing there’s still plenty of evening left to enjoy. “Well, that’s done. What do you want to do now?”

N tilts his head, considering for a moment before his eyes brighten with an idea. “Could we play a game? I saw a board game in the living room yesterday. It looked interesting!”

A board game. It’s been years since you’ve touched one of those. But looking at N’s eager expression, you can’t help but smile.

“Sure,” you say, pushing off the counter. “Let’s do it.”

After stacking the last empty grocery bag by the trash, you grab the worn box of Duopoly from the shelf in the living room and set it on the coffee table. N bounces slightly in place as he sits cross-legged on the floor, his neon eyes glowing with excitement.

“This looks fun!” he says, examining the board as you unfold it. “What’s the goal?”

“To bankrupt everyone else,” you reply with a grin, pulling out the dice and colorful stacks of fake money. “It’s a classic capitalist experience: buy properties, charge ridiculous rent, and watch your friends cry as you take their last hundred bucks.”

N blinks, his face the picture of robotic confusion. “Oh… that sounds a bit mean. Are we still friends after we play?”

You chuckle, shuffling the cards. “Depends on how ruthless you are.”

With the rules explained and the game set up, you both pick your pieces. N grabs the tiny top hat, holding it up to admire its craftsmanship. “This one looks very dignified. I’ll be the hat!”

You select the car, setting it at the start. “Alright, Mr. Hat, roll the dice and let’s see how you do.”

N rolls with precision, watching the dice land on a six. His piece clicks along the board, landing on the first property. He picks up the card, his face lighting up.

“Industrial Avenue? Should I buy it?”

“You can if you want. It’s cheap but could be useful later.”

Without hesitation, he hands you the money, grinning as he places a little house on the property. “This is fun! I’m already building a home!”

“Just wait until you have to mortgage it,” you tease, rolling the dice for your turn.

The game progresses, and N’s initial excitement evolves into deep concentration as he plans his moves. He’s surprisingly strategic, amassing a small empire on the board’s industrial side. You struggle to hold onto your properties as his rent skyrockets with every passing turn.

“I didn’t know robots could be so good at capitalism,” you mutter after landing on one of his properties. “How much do I owe you?”

“Four hundred Duobucks,” N says cheerfully, holding out his hand.

You groan, counting out the fake money. “You’re ruthless, N. Absolutely ruthless.”

He tilts his head, his grin softening. “Am I? I thought I was just following the rules. Should I stop charging you rent? What if I use all this money to abolish landlords and give power back to the people?”

“No, no, it’s fine. That’s the game,” you say, waving him off. His knowledge of socioeconomic policy is vaguely concerning, but you have a game to win.

The game continues for over an hour, and by the end, N has nearly all the properties and most of the money. He’s beaming with pride, and you’re staring at a measly five Duobucks and a single property that’s heavily mortgaged.

“I think that’s game,” you say, throwing up your hands in defeat. “Congratulations, N. You’re officially a corporate overlord.”

N pauses, looking down at the board and then back at you. “I didn’t mean to… um… is there a way we can share the money?”

You laugh, shaking your head. “You won fair and square. No need to feel bad about it.”

N’s smile returns as he starts carefully packing up the game. “Thank you for teaching me! That was really fun. Though I think I like being friends more than being… what’s the term? An overlord?”

“Yeah, being friends is better,” you agree, leaning back against the couch.

As the board game is put away, you glance at the clock. The night is still young, but it feels like the perfect time to wind down. “What do you say we pick a movie next?”

N’s eyes light up. “Yes! I’ll make popcorn!”

You shake your head, a soft smile spreading across your face. For the first time in forever, the simple things feel… fulfilling.

Standing in front of the neatly organized shelf of DVDs and Blu-rays, you run your finger along the spines, mumbling to yourself. "Action? Comedy? Sci-fi?"

In the kitchen, you can hear N happily humming a tune while the sound of popping kernels grows louder and more frantic. A faint smell of butter wafts through the air, but you’re too focused on your search to notice how chaotic the popping has become.

Just as you pull out a movie—a cozy rom-com—you hear a sudden, earth-shattering BOOM followed by a chaotic rain of popcorn exploding across the room. You whirl around in shock to find N standing frozen in the kitchen, covered head to toe in fluffy, buttery popcorn.

For a moment, the room is eerily silent except for the occasional sound of a kernel bouncing off the floor. N’s glowing white eyes flicker nervously as he glances at the aftermath, then back at you. He gives a sheepish laugh, holding up the empty popcorn pot.

“I, uh… I may have overestimated how many kernels we needed.”

You stand there, stunned, taking in the sight: popcorn littering every surface, the couch buried in buttery fluff, and N’s blazer now wearing a shimmering coat of melted butter. Then, to his growing confusion, you burst into laughter—a loud, uncontrollable fit of it.

N takes a cautious step forward, his hands clasped together as if in prayer. “Oh no. I’ve driven you insane. I’m so, so sorry!” He drops to his knees in front of you, bowing his head. “Please forgive me, I didn’t mean to break you!”

Your laughter dies down, replaced by bewilderment. “Break me? N, it’s just popcorn.”

He blinks up at you, his face frozen in shock. “Just… popcorn?”

“Yeah. It’s no big deal. Accidents happen.” You reach down, grabbing a handful of the mess and tossing it playfully into the trash. “See? Easy to clean up.”

For a moment, N doesn’t move, as though trying to process your words. He eventually stands, still looking uncertain, and begins sweeping the kernels into a pile with his hands. “I… I didn’t mean to upset you, but I… my old boss… they would’ve been furious.”

The lighthearted atmosphere dims as you pause mid-cleanup. “Furious? Over something like this?”

N nods, his movements slowing as he avoids your gaze. “They didn’t like mistakes. Even tiny ones. I got yelled at a lot, even when I tried my best. Sometimes worse than yelling…” His voice grows quieter, almost a whisper. “So when I mess up, I just… I get scared. I thought you’d be upset, too.”

You place a hand on his shoulder, causing him to look up at you, his glowing eyes wide. “N, I’m not like that. Trust me, this? This is nothing. If I got upset over every little accident, I’d have gray hair by now.”

He stares at you, unblinking, as though trying to believe your words. Slowly, a small, hesitant smile creeps onto his face. “You’re really… okay with this?”

You laugh softly, picking a stray kernel from his hair. “Yeah. You’re safe here, N. I promise.”

For the first time since the explosion, he seems to relax. The nervous energy melts away, replaced by the joyful lightness you’ve come to associate with him. 

“Well, if I’m safe here, then I promise to make sure you’re safe too!” He chimes enthusiastically while he resumes cleaning, this time humming to himself again.

As you both finish tidying up the last of the popcorn, you feel a pang of sympathy for the kind-hearted drone who’s clearly been through more than he lets on. You decide to lighten the mood with a playful nudge.

“So, ready for round two? Let’s try less kernels this time.”

N beams at you, his signature optimism shining through once more. “I’ll do better! I promise!”

You grab the popcorn pot, a smaller scoop of kernels, and set about preparing a more reasonable batch. As the kernels begin to pop—this time under better supervision—you glance at N, his cheerful hum filling the kitchen again.

For the first time in a long while, you feel a strange sense of contentment. Things aren’t perfect, but in this moment, they’re good.

With the popcorn incident officially resolved and the kitchen restored to its usual state, the next batch of kernels pops without a hitch. The golden, buttery snack is poured into a bowl and set on the coffee table as you and N settle onto the couch.

Just as you reach for the remote, an idea strikes you. You glance at N, who’s still beaming with pride over the successful second batch of popcorn, then head toward the garage.

“Where are you going?” N asks, his head tilting curiously.

“Be right back,” you call over your shoulder.

A moment later, you return with a bottle of motor oil, its familiar black-and-red label gleaming under the living room light. You hold it out with a grin.

“Figured you’d want a snack too.”

N’s neon eyes widen in delight as he takes the bottle, turning it over in his hands. “5W-30?!” He gasps, his voice practically trembling with excitement. “This is my favorite! How did you know?”

“Lucky guess,” you say with a chuckle, settling back onto the couch.

N wastes no time twisting the cap off and taking a small sip, his expression radiating pure joy. “Oh, it’s even synthetic blend! You really went all out!”

You can’t help but laugh at his enthusiasm, shaking your head as you press play on the remote. The movie starts up, its opening credits accompanied by a cheesy, upbeat love song.

The film, a classic romcom full of over-the-top antics and ridiculous misunderstandings, has you both giggling within minutes.

“That’s not how love works,” N remarks as the main character delivers a grand, cringe-worthy declaration of affection on a crowded subway.

You snort. “Yeah, I’m pretty sure if you did that in real life, you’d just get a restraining order.”

N nods sagely, sipping his motor oil as though pondering the intricacies of human relationships. “Humans are so dramatic. But it’s kind of… nice?”

“Nice?” you echo, raising an eyebrow.

“Well,” he says, turning to face you, “even if it’s silly, it’s sweet how much they care about each other. I think it’s… warm?” He hesitates, searching for the right word.

You smile, touched by his earnestness. “Yeah, I guess it is.”

As the movie continues, the two of you exchange commentary on the absurd plot twists and the characters’ questionable decisions. You don’t remember the last time you laughed this hard during a movie night.

By the time the credits roll, the popcorn bowl is empty, the motor oil bottle is nearly drained, and your sides ache from laughing. You glance at N, who looks just as content as you feel, his ever-present smile a little softer, a little more relaxed.

“Thanks for watching with me,” you say, stretching your arms.

“Thank you for letting me!” N replies, his enthusiasm unwavering. “That was so much fun! Humans really know how to tell a story.”

You grin, patting his shoulder. “And Worker Drones know how to make movie night way more interesting.”

He tilts his head in confusion. “Because of the popcorn?”

“Because of everything, N.”

The two of you sit in comfortable silence for a moment, the glow of the TV casting soft shadows across the room. It’s a simple evening, but one you know you’ll remember for a long time.

As the credits roll and the TV hums softly in the background, you find yourself lingering in the moment. The warm glow of the room, the soft crackle of the fireplace, and N’s ever-present smile make it harder than usual to let the evening slip away.

You sigh quietly, leaning back into the couch and staring at the ceiling. N notices immediately.

“Everything okay?” he asks, his neon eyes filled with genuine concern.

You nod, but after a moment, you shake your head. “Yeah, I mean… kind of. It’s nothing bad, just… stuff on my mind.”

He tilts his head, waiting patiently. His silence invites you to continue, and to your own surprise, you do.

“I guess it’s just hitting me how much I don’t do stuff like this,” you admit, gesturing vaguely at the empty popcorn bowl and the still-glowing TV screen. “I can’t even remember the last time I watched a movie with someone or went to the park. Or… I don’t know, just enjoyed things.”

N’s expression softens, and he leans a little closer, his hands folded neatly in his lap. “Why not?”

You hesitate, struggling to put your feelings into words. “It’s just… life, I guess? Work keeps me busy, and when I’m not working, I’m either too tired or too stressed to really do anything. And even when I try…” You trail off, shaking your head. “It just feels… pointless, sometimes. Like, what’s the point of doing something fun when there’s always something else to worry about?”

N frowns, his brows knitting together. “That sounds… lonely.”

His blunt honesty catches you off guard, but you can’t deny it. You chuckle softly, a little bitterly. “Yeah, I guess it is.”

For a moment, the room is quiet except for the faint hum of the TV. Then, you take a deep breath, deciding to admit something else.

“I’ll be honest, N,” you say, looking over at him. “When I first found out I’d be bringing you home to run tests, I wasn’t exactly thrilled. I mean, I work for JCJenson. I’ve seen how Worker Drones are treated, how they act, and how most people think of them. I couldn’t imagine wanting one in my home, let alone actually enjoying having one around.”

N’s smile falters slightly, but he doesn’t say anything, giving you space to continue.

“But…” You pause, trying to find the right words. “It’s been nice. Really nice, actually. Having you here, getting to talk to someone who actually listens, and just… spending time together. It’s different, but it’s a good kind of different. Better than I expected.”

N’s face lights up, his smile returning with even more brightness. “Really? You mean that?”

You nod, a small smile tugging at your lips. “Yeah. I didn’t think I would, but I do. So… thanks. For being here, and for being you.”

His neon eyes glimmer with what you can only describe as pure joy. “I’m so glad!” he exclaims, bouncing a little on the couch. “I didn’t want to mess things up or be a bother, but I just wanted to help and make you happy, and—”

He cuts himself off, realizing he’s rambling, and laughs nervously. “Sorry, I got carried away. But… thank you for giving me a chance.”

You chuckle, shaking your head. “You don’t have to thank me, N. I think we’re both doing each other a favor.”

The two of you sit in comfortable silence again, the weight of your earlier thoughts lifted just a little. For the first time in a long time, you feel like you’ve found something—someone—worth making time for.

The room grows quieter as the conversation ebbs, leaving you to sit with your thoughts. N’s joyful smile lingers in your peripheral vision as he fiddles with the empty popcorn bowl, humming a cheerful tune. But a sinking feeling begins to creep into your chest, one that you’ve been trying to ignore all evening.

Tomorrow.

You glance at N, his neon eyes alight with curiosity as he carefully balances the bowl on his head, only for it to topple onto his lap. He lets out a sheepish laugh and adjusts it again, completely oblivious to the weight pressing on your heart.

Tomorrow, he’ll be gone.

It hits you like a sudden wave. The warmth, the laughter, the simple joy of having someone to share your time with—all of it will vanish when he’s sent back to the company. And what are the chances you’ll get him again? Practically nonexistent.

You try to swallow the lump forming in your throat, but it only grows larger. Your hands clench in your lap, and before you can stop it, a tear slips down your cheek.

“Hey.”

You look up to see N staring at you, his playful demeanor gone and replaced with concern. His head tilts slightly, his eyes scanning your face. “You’re… crying.”

You quickly wipe at your face, shaking your head. “No, I’m not. I’m fine.”

But your voice wavers, betraying you.

N doesn’t hesitate. Before you can say another word, he sets the bowl aside and pulls you into a hug. His arms wrap around you carefully, his metal fingers light against your back, as if afraid he might accidentally hurt you.

“It’s okay,” he says softly. “I’ve read that hugs are supposed to help when people are sad. I don’t know if I’m doing it right, though.”

His kindness breaks the dam, and more tears begin to fall. You press your face into his shoulder, your hands gripping his blazer as your quiet sobs escape.

N shifts slightly, clearly flustered. “Oh no, I made it worse, didn’t I? My hug made you sadder!”

You shake your head vigorously, your voice muffled against him. “No, it’s not that. It’s not your fault.”

He pauses, his head tilting down to look at you. “Then… what is it?”

You take a shaky breath, trying to calm yourself enough to speak. “It’s just… you have to go back tomorrow. And I don’t know if I’ll ever see you again.”

N’s hold on you tightens, his voice soft and soothing. “But… why wouldn’t you? I could just come back! Right?”

You laugh bitterly, lifting your head to look at him. His innocent optimism tugs at your heart. “It doesn’t work like that, N. They’ll send you to someone else, or put you on the market, and I’ll be here, alone again. That’s just… how it goes.”

He stares at you, his neon eyes dimming slightly as he processes your words. For a moment, he looks genuinely heartbroken, but then he shakes his head.

“Well, that’s just silly,” he says, as if it’s the simplest thing in the world. “Why wouldn’t they send me back? I’m great at this! I’ve been doing such a good job, haven’t I?”

You let out a watery laugh, wiping your eyes. “Yeah, you have.”

“Then I’ll just tell them I want to come back to you,” he says confidently, as if it’s that easy.

His determination makes your heart ache, but you don’t have the heart to tell him it’s not up to him. Instead, you hug him tightly, burying your face against his shoulder again.

“Thank you,” you whisper.

“For what?”

“For being here. For making everything feel… better.”

He smiles softly, patting your back awkwardly. “Of course. That’s what friends do.”

You close your eyes, trying to savor the moment. Whatever happens tomorrow, you’ll hold onto this—for as long as you can.

You’re not quite sure how long you stay like that, wrapped in N’s embrace, but the warmth of his hold and the steady, reassuring hum of his servos begin to lull you into a deep drowsiness. The weight of the day melts away, replaced by the calm, quiet security of his presence.

Your grip on his blazer slackens as your breathing slows, and before you know it, the world around you begins to blur and fade.

N doesn’t move. His arms remain carefully wrapped around you, his head tilted slightly as he observes you with a quiet kind of wonder. Your soft, even breaths and the faintest hint of a smile on your face are all the confirmation he needs that you’re at peace.

And then, he hears it: the faintest of snores.

His eyes widen slightly in realization, and he glances down at you, suddenly unsure of what to do. Letting you go feels like the wrong move—what if he wakes you? What if you’re cold? What if this was the exact moment you needed him most?

No, he can’t risk that.

Carefully, oh-so-carefully, he adjusts his hold on you. He shifts to lay on his side, keeping you close as he lowers both of you onto the couch. His movements are deliberate, his metal fingers steady as he makes sure you’re in the most comfortable position possible.

Your head rests against his chest, and one of his arms remains securely around your back, holding you with the kind of gentleness that only N could manage.

His eyes dim slightly as he looks at you, his internal systems quieting to avoid disturbing your rest. This was his new task, after all—keeping you safe and ensuring you felt at ease. And if that meant staying like this until morning, then so be it.

A small smile spreads across his face as he watches over you, the quiet stillness of the room amplifying the soft rhythm of your breaths. For once, N doesn’t feel the need to say or do anything.

This is enough.

And for you, nestled in his embrace, it’s more than enough.

[catindabag]

TBOSAS on Crack short take (69)

*Code names are for losers*

Festus: Yo, guys-

Lysistrata: Not now, Creed.

Festus: Just hear me out.

Sejanus: Bro, be quiet. Someone might hear us.

Festus: It’s very important.

Coryo: No. We’re going to do our history homework today-

Festus: Really, Coryo? Inside the school gymnasium?

Coryo: Unfortunately.

Festus: But you could always finish that stupid paper tomorrow-

Coryo: Professor Demigloss said that whoever passes their homework first gets a day off from school.

Festus: But it’s the middle of the night and we are about to commit a crime against Dr. Gaul!

Coryo: Creed, calm down. It’s not the end of the world. We’re just here to steal that crazy woman’s plans for this year’s Hunger Games.

Festus: Which is a crime! A dangerous crime!

Coryo: That we’ve all agreed to commit together.

Sejanus: And forever.😍

Io: I’m so excited! This is my first time committing such a heinous act! I feel so rebellious-

Vipsania: Don’t say that word. It’s forbidden.

Io: Rebellious.☺️

Vipsania: *gasp* She said it again!

Coryo: We’ll be fine.

Festus: But still!

Coryo: I don’t care. I’m getting that day off with my boyfriend.

Sejanus: Me and Coryo are going to go on a super secret romantic date. Afterwards, we’re going to-

Lysistrata: F*ck.

Sejanus: Obviously.

Coryo: This is why we shouldn’t finish each other’s sentences.

Festus: You two are going on a secret romantic date without me?!

Coryo: Fortunately.

Festus: But I want to go on that date too!

Hilarius: Can I join? I wanna take some cute candid photos of Coryo-

Coryo: Ew. No. Go away.

Hilarius: I’ll give you 20 bucks.

Coryo: Not enough.

Festus: How about we all go on a double date instead!

Coryo: A double date with who?

Festus: With me and Percy-

Hilarius: And me!😀

Sejanus: No! My Snowy and I need our ✨alone time✨ too!

Coryo: We’re going to-

Felix: F*ck. We know.

Festus: But I wanna go on a date with you guys!😫

Felix: Bro, lower your voice. No one knows we’re here, remember?

Festus: But-

Androcles: Shhhh! Do you hear that?

Coryo: Hear what?

Androcles: I think I heard someone or something squeaking-

Festus: That’s just my precious Odysseus.

Androcles: Who’s Odysseus?

Festus: My freaky pet rat.

Vipsania: Creed, I told you not to bring your ugly fat rat to school!

Festus: Sickle, my bro, don’t be like that. My Ody just wanted to run around and get some fresh air. That’s all.

Vipsania: Not inside the school gymnasium! I workout, eat, and sleep here for Panem’s sake!

Felix: Ney Ney, why do you even live here? Last time I checked, you and your super buff family live in a huge luxurious house that looks like a gym.

Vipsania: Yeah. However, my very competitive and delusion mother kicked me out last year.😞

Felix: Why? What did you do?

Vipsania: She thinks that I’m an enemy of the state for having more track and field medals than her. So she kicked me out.

Gaius: That’s wild, bro.

Domitia: Girl, your mother’s insane.

Hilarius: My parents kicked me out too. Now I live in a dumpster with Creed and his rats.😊

Festus: You don’t even pay rent.😒

Hilarius: I will. . . Someday.

Pup: How the mighty have fallen.

Florus: Sorrows and prayers.

Hilarius: Thanks-

Florus: Not you, Heavensbee. I’m giving my condolences to Ney Ney.

Vipsania: I’m fine. Don’t worry about me. I still have my auntie Sickle.

Festus: Anyways-

Coryo: Babe, what’s the answer to question 7?

Sejanus: Read it for me, my love.😍

Coryo: Who is the current mayor of District 2?

Sejanus: Mr. Rocky Rock O’Rolly.

Coryo: Thanks, Babe.

Lysistrata: Is he a good person?

Sejanus: Mr. O’Rolly is not even a person. He’s just a piece of rock.

Lysistrata: Like literally?

Sejanus: He’s very solid.

Lysistrata: So a piece of rock is currently the mayor of District 2.

Sejanus: He’s been the mayor since we were in grade school.

Gaius: And nobody said anything?!

Dennis: Bro, where did your people even find Mr. Rocky Rock O’Rolly?

Sejanus: A random hobo found him “sitting” inside a cave 4 days before the election.

Urban: Who the f*ck would vote for a piece of rock?

Sejanus: Don’t judge my District! They’re trying their best!

Urban: To ruin their lives!

Coryo: Canville, shut up. We don’t have the right to judge them.

Urban: I can judge whoever I want!

Coryo: We literally voted a fluffy fat cat to be our official Capitol Mayor a few months ago.

Urban: But to be fair, Boa Bell is a good Mayor.

Sejanus: Mr. Rocky Rock O’Rolly is also a good Mayor, Ban Ban!

Urban: Is he cute?

Sejanus: No. He’s an ugly rock.

Urban: Can he respond back to you?

Sejanus: No.😞

Urban: That’s what I thought.

Pup: But don’t forget, the true leaders of Panem are a bunch of dogs.

Felix: They’re not just an ordinary bunch of dogs though. They’re-

Pup: A “sacred” pack of Bichon Frisé puppies. We get it.

Clemensia: Pup, does it bother you that your father is taking orders from a literal fur baby?

Pup: No. He loves it.

Festus: But seriously, guys-

Everyone: Creed, no.

Festus: Creed, yes!

Coryo: Ugh. Fine! Fire away.

Festus: Yey! So I was thinking-

Persephone: We’re now thinking?

Festus: No, not really. But since we’re going to stop the Hunger Games forever and save our Tributes from killing each other, we should start with creating our ✨code names✨.

Coryo: Code names?

Festus: Yeah! Code names like Class Pres-

Felix: “Class Pres” is not a code name, Creed. It’s short for Class President.

Festus: Yeah, right. Whatever you say, Class Pres.

Io: I’m with Creed on this one. Having code names are fun!

Juno: For what?

Io: For ✨Operation Felix✨!

Livia: Ew. Code names are for losers. I’m going with ✨Sparkly Sparkly 123✨.

Festus: That’s too long. Make it shorter.

Livia: Fine.🙄 I’m ✨Hot Pink✨.

Palmyra: I’m Monty-

Festus: No. you can’t have “obvious” code names.

Palmyra: Ok. I’m Palmyra-

Festus: Ugh! You guys are so bad at this.

Palmyra: But I’m Palmyra Monty-

Festus: I’ve decided that I’ll be the one to give you guys your code names.

Felix: That’s not fair-

Festus: Felix, you’ll be Hello Kitty.

Felix: I do love Hello Kitty.

Festus: Coryo, you’re Cabbage Soup.

Coryo: What?!

Festus: Sejanus, you’ll be Sugar Daddy.

Sejanus: Coryo’s sugar daddy.🥰

Festus: Palmyra, you’ll be Deadly Pie.

Palmyra: I’m Monty-

Festus: Livia, we all know you’re Hot Pink.

Livia: Obviously.

Festus: Florus, you can be Introvert John.

Florus: That- that actually makes sense.

Festus: Jasper, you’ll be Nuclear Lover.

Io: Ok!😊

Festus: Urban-

Urban: No.

Festus: You’re Anger Issues.

Urban: F*ck you.

Festus: Percy, you’re-

Persephone: Cannibal.☺️

Festus: No.

Coryo: She’s Cannibal, Creed. Deal with it.

Festus: Fine. Dennis, you’ll be Illegal Man Juan.

Dennis: Nice!

Festus: Iphigenia, you’re Super Mart.

Iphigenia: Isn’t that obvious?

Festus: Fine. You can be Skeletor.

Iphigenia: But-

Festus: Apollo, you’ll be Sunshine Valley.

Apollo: Yey!

Festus: Diana-

Diana: I’m Moony!

Festus: Ok. Ney Ney, you’re Buff Baby.

Vipsania: I can live with that.

Festus: Pup, you’ll be Commando Sleeper.

Pup: Cool.

Festus: Juno, you’re-

Juno: Princess Peach.

Festus: Princess B*tch?

Juno: Princess Peach, dumbass!

Festus: Fine! You’re Princess Witch! Happy?!

Juno: Like I care.🙄

Festus: Hilari, you’re-

Hilarius: Queen Bee! I’ll be Queen Bee!

Festus: Fine. Gaius, you’ll be-

Gaius: Zoolander!

Felix: That doesn’t make sense.

Gaius: My family owns the zoo.

Felix: That still doesn’t make sense-

Festus: Zoolander it is.

Gaius: That’s right!

Festus: Andie, you’ll be Catch Me If You Can.

Androcles: Nice!

Festus: Tia, you’re-

Domitia: Cheese Maiden!

Festus: Why?

Domitia: My family sells cheese.

Festus: Your family sells milk-

Domitia: And the best cheese.

Festus: Right. Arachne, you’re- Where’s Arachne?

Coryo: She’s asleep.

Festus: Good. She’ll be Spoon On My Nose.

Clemensia: She won’t like that-

Festus: She’s Spoon On My Nose. End of story.

Clemensia: She’ll kill you.

Festus: She won’t. Clemmie, you’ll be Blood Orange.

Clemensia: I rather be-

Festus: Blood Orange, do you copy?

Clemensia: Copy?

Festus: Good! Lizzie, you’ll be Droug Deleour-

Lysistrata: That’s too obvious! Call me something else.

Festus: Drug Delecour?

Lysistrata: Let’s stick with Droug Deleour. I’m Droug Deleour.

Felix: How about you, Creed? What’s your code name?

Festus: I’m-

Livia: Garbage?

Juno: Dumbass!

Dennis: Rat Boy!

Coryo: Cheesecake!

Sejanus: Burger!

Festus: No! I’m Eagle One!

Everyone: Heck, no!

Festus: Fine. I’ll go with Garbage Man 123.😔

[cloudlessly-light]

i’m so happy you’re back! we all missed you, hope you’re doing okay ❤️ i have a prompt! it is smut of course because you know that you’re the hotchniss smut queen ;)

it may be ooc but i want to see emily and aaron on their wedding day and they follow the traditional rules of not being able to see the bride before the wedding. when aaron sees emily walking down the aisle aaron cannot believe his eyes cause she looks absolutely gorgeous. of course basic biology happens and emily notices, smirks and gets hot and bothered too. they try to keep it in their pants during the dinner and first dance until they take it to their hotel room and aaron tells emily she’s his forever

A/N: Hi Anon! Thank you so much! I know you sent this forever ago but I hope you're still around to enjoy it!

Title: Got all my love (Part 1/2)   Summary: They’re finally getting married, a day they had waited for, for too long. Word count: 3k Rating: Explicit Warnings: Smut, oral sex, multiple orgasms, feelings and fluff, they love each other, they also want each other

“Oh Em you look so beautiful!” Penelope gushes as she walks out of the bathroom of the suite they had rented for the night. She smiles widely at JJ and Penelope who smiles just as brightly back, their excitement clear.

Today was her wedding day, their wedding day, the day she thought wouldn’t ever come. They had almost gotten married four times already, but cases or Jack being sick or just life, had always managed to get in the way. But not today.

“Thank you.” She smooths out the front of her dress. It was simple, a white silk dress that hugged her waist and showed off a hint of cleavage. They hadn’t wanted their wedding to be a big thing, just their closest friends and family, and Emily had opted for a dress that suited their theme. “God is it normal to be nervous?” she chuckles as she looks at herself in the mirror.

“I’m pretty sure that’s standard sweet cheeks.” Penelope comes to stand behind her. “But you’ve got nothing to be worried about, Hotch will die when he sees you.”

“I hope not.” She jokes as JJ comes to stand on her other side and Penelope rolls her eyes.

“You know what I mean!”

“Whose idea was it to spend the night apart?” JJ asks as she picks up the brush, getting ready to fix her hair.

“Aarons.” Emily sits down in front of them at the vanity. “Some traditions are important to him.” She didn’t want to admit to them that it had felt weird sleeping without him as he stayed at their house and she had slept in their suite.

“Never would have guessed.” JJ carefully sections out dark locks between her fingers. “Just light curls right?”

“Yeah.” She nods before sighing. “If it had been solely up to me he would have been with me all night.” She looks at the two blondes behind her in the mirror and smirks knowingly.

“Emily Prentiss!” Penelope laughs and pushes lightly at her shoulder. “You little minx!”

“What can I say, he treats me too good to be away from, even if it’s just one night.” Her smirk widens when her friends laugh at her. “Besides, in less than two hours, it’s Emily Prentiss Hotchner.”

*

“Are you ready?” Dave asks as he straightens Aaron’s tie.

“Never been more ready for anything in my life.” He answers honestly. He couldn’t wait to be married, to see Emily walk down the aisle and finally be able to call her his wife.

“It feels like you’ve been dating forever and yet like no time has passed.” Derek who’s sitting on a chair beside them says and Dave nods along.

“Probably cause you hid your relationship for so long.” Spencer adds and then three sets of eyes are on him and he just smiles and shakes his head.

“We’re not having this conversation again.” He says and is only met by mutterings which he ignores. Instead he takes the scotch that Dave is handing him while Spencer and Derek come to stand beside them.

“To the best day of your life.” The older man raises his glass and when Aaron feels his stomach twist he knows it has nothing to do with the alcohol and everything to do with the excitement he feels.

*

Emily takes a slow breath hearing the piano play and then takes Jack’s hand.

“Thank you for walking with me.” She smiles at him and he squeezes her hand tightly. He’s almost 10 now, and it’s a moment that he feels proud to be a part of, almost like a grown up.

“I didn’t want you to be alone, because we’re a family.” He says simply and Emily feels her heart ache with the love she feels for him.

When they walk down the small make-shift aisle her focus quickly changes from Jack to Aaron, standing with the officiant and eyes locked on her. She smiles at him, her cheeks heating slightly from the way he’s obviously at a loss for words, his Adam’s apple bopping as he swallows hard.

Aaron couldn’t tear his eyes off her as she slowly walked towards him, something about the way the dress hugged her body in all the right ways, the simplicity of how beautiful she looked, knowing that she was his, it was making his brain short circuit for a moment. He always wanted her, always craved her, but right then and there he couldn’t think about anything else but how much he needed her.

She notices it, because of course she does, she notices everything about him and he’s powerless to stop it. She gives him a wink, right before Jack lets go of her hand and instead she takes his, larger, warmer, so familiar to her that she would be able to pick it out of a lineup with her eyes closed.

“Hi.” She whispers softly.

“Hi.” He says just as quiet and then takes a moment to smile at his son who’s gone to sit next to Henry on one of the chairs, nodding quickly to him and getting a toothy grin in return. Then he looks back at her and feels his body warm at the sight of her. “You look beautiful.”

In hindsight, Aaron was glad that Penelope filmed the whole thing, the ceremony going by in a haze. He could barely focus on anything but Emily, want and love and everything in between making it hard to remember any details that weren’t her.

When they kiss, he doesn’t hear the clapping or cheering, all he hears is the soft moan from her, like they hadn’t kissed a thousand times before, like it had been years since the last time and not the previous morning. It’s too short, but he knows that it has to be and when they break apart he smiles so big it almost hurts.

“Finally.” He says and she laughs.

“Finally.” Her hand finds his, her body leaning into his side as Dave instructs everybody where the dinner was being held, the older man knowing them well enough to know that they would want a moment alone. He winks at them before leaving with the rest of their friends and the moment the doors close, Aaron wraps his arm around her waist to pull her flush against him.

“Gorgeous, you’re gorgeous.” He mumbles before kissing her again, this time deep and desperate as she gasps against his lips, her mouth opening to his tongue.

“Should we sneak off?” She’s already breathless, heat in between her thighs just from his clear want for her. To her surprise he looks like he’s considering it but ultimately sighs and shakes his head for leaning his forehead against hers.

“One dinner, one dance, then I’m taking you upstairs.” He rasps and it sends tingles down her spine.

“Let’s get this show on the road then.”

*

Dinner is nice and quiet, short speeches and delicious food. It was exactly what they had wanted. By the time the dessert plates were being removed from the table Aaron was standing up and extended his hand, just as soft music started to play.

“May I have this dance, Mrs. Hotchner?” He could hear Penelope squealing and hear people laugh at her excitement, Emily joining in before taking his hand.

“Of course.”

They start to sway slowly, his hand pressing softly against the small of her back and his hand holding hers while her other hand rested on his chest. She looked up at him, could barely look away from his dark eyes. There was a softness about him that she knows he only really showed her and Jack, but today he was comfortable enough for all of them to see, it made her happy.

“I want you.” She mumbles against his neck and she feels his hands tightening slightly.

“Soon.” He assures her as he lets his thumb stroke over the silky dress, felt her shiver slightly against him in return. The slight blush on her cheeks didn’t seem to go away and he felt the familiar pull in his gut at her proximity. Not for the first time he had to remind himself that they were in public, that he couldn’t touch her the way he wanted just yet. But standing there, holding Emily in his arms he found that he wasn’t in a rush, he had forever with her.

She barely notices when people start to join them on the dance floor, not until Jack is standing beside them and asking for a dance.

A couple of hours later Aaron is pushing open the door to their suite blindly as they kiss desperately. She’s clawing at his suit, tugging on the tie and forcefully pushing his jacket off his shoulders. He’s just as frantic, quickly finding the zipper at her waist and pulling it down. When the dress falls to the floor around her feet he stares at her, the lacy underwear making his mouth dry.

“I had something else I planned to wear.” She says but he immediately shakes his head as he tugs her against him.

“This is perfect, you’re perfect.” He kisses her again, pushes his tongue against hers and she swallows up his low grunt as they move toward the bed.

Her hands are on his belt, getting it undone and quickly unzipping his slacks to be able to push them to the floor while he unbuttons his shirt.

“Lay back.” He rasps and urges her back on the bed. His eyes rake over her, from the white shoes on her feet to the light pink underwear set, to her face, flushed cheeks and parted lips. His hand wraps around one of her ankles and when he presses a kiss against the inside of it, Emily mewls.

His lips are heated, his light stubble rough as he slowly kisses up her leg, soon kneeling on the floor as he sucks on her inner thigh. She’s sure he’s going to drive her insane with dizzying arousal, his tongue sneaking out to lick over her through her underwear before moving down the other thigh.

“Aaron, please.” She gasps when he’s halfway down her other leg, her thighs twitching.

“Going to take my time tonight sweetheart.” His voice is thick with want, the natural rasp of it that she loves slightly muffled against her skin. “Going to worship my wife.”

The word makes her moan slightly, her dark eyes heated as she props herself up on her elbows to watch him. His eyes look close to wild when he peels her underwear off her hips, pupils blown black by lust as his arms wrap around her thighs to pull her to the edge of the bed.

When his tongue moves through her it’s slow, a groan leaving him at the taste of her while her mouth drops open. He dips it inside of her, keeps his arms tightly around her legs to keep her still and as he tastes every inch of her like it’s the first time.

She grips his hair, her fingers scratching against his scalp and when he flicks her clit she moans his name in a breathless plea. He uses his knowledge of her body, and as she starts to writhe on the bed he only holds her tighter.

“Don’t stop.” She whimpers and she feels his lips tug into a smile against her. Then he sucks on her clit and her hips buckles against his face, wanting more. He doesn’t stop, keeps focusing on her clit and building her up until her body is tensing and she’s gasping and moaning in between panting breaths.

“Let go, sweetheart.” He pulls off her long enough to get the words out, but just as quickly his mouth is on her again, driving her higher and higher. He keeps his eyes on her and when she comes with scream she’s barely able to muffle with her hand he feels his cock pulse and leak inside his boxers. Watching Emily fall apart was his favorite thing in the world and he planned on seeing it a lot tonight.

He doesn’t stop, even when she’s whimpering and squirming from his lips on her overstimulated clit. Their eyes meet and one of his eyebrows arches and she knows that he won’t stop until she’s coming again.

It always amazes her, how well he knows her body, how quickly he get’s her to come. She’s sweating and panting, her body flushes as he continues to eat her out, his tongue strong and sure against her. She isn’t sure how much time passes, but she knows that it can’t be more than a few minutes before she’s coming again, her body being held still by his strong arms as he sucks on her clit.

By the time she’s coming down and her breathing has returned to normal, Aaron has pushed his boxers off and is climbing up on the bed, easily lifting her higher on it. Her wetness shines on his lips and chin and his shaft is heated as it presses against her thigh and she quickly spreads her legs.

“I need you.” She whispers and pulls him into a kiss, a moan on her lips as she tastes herself on his tongue. But he doesn’t move closer, keeps just enough space between their bodies to fit his hand between them. “Baby…” She gasps and he shushes her.

“One more, I want to watch you properly.” He pushes two fingers inside of her and groans at the heat of her around them. When he curls them she sucks in a breath and her head falls back, eyes closed. “Just like that.”

The feeling of his fingers curling right up against her spot makes her hips twitch. She grips his upper arms, feels the palm of his hand rub against her clit and she knows that it won’t take long until she’s falling off the edge again. She can tell that he knows it too, a smug smirk on his face as he watches the pleasure on her face intently.

“My gorgeous wife.” He growls and she whines, her back arching. “You like that, being called my wife?”

“Yes, Aaron, yes.” Her eyelids flutter open and she’s met by a predatory look on his face. His fingers are pushing harder against her, her slick sounding close to obscene as he moves them.

“And what am I?” He knows that he’s staining her thighs with precum, can’t help but to rut slightly against her to get some relief.

“My husband.” She moans, loud and breathy and he kisses her messily.

“That’s right.” He mutters against her lips as her body starts to tense. “Now come for me again.”

Her third orgasm is hard and fast, her body straining against his as he keeps moving his hand against her, even as her slick walls tighten around his fingers. He groans at the sight of her coming undone, knows that he needs to feel her around him and doesn’t waste any time between pulling his fingers out and then pushing his cock inside of her.

“Fuck!” She whimpers at the sudden fill of him, throbbing and deep. He’s sucking in a sharp breath, his face buried in her neck as he gives them both a moment before starting to thrust. She clings to him as he moves, her legs around his hips and her nails digging into his back and ribs.

“You feel so fucking good on my cock, sweetheart.” He grunts against her neck, tastes the sweat on her skin and feels how her pulse flutters wildly.

“You do too.” She knows that her nails will leave marks, that tomorrow when he showers he’ll feel the sting of them and want her again. He was insatiable, but so was she.

“Mine, you’re mine.” He pulls back enough to look at her face and is greeted by her heated eyes.

“I’m yours.” She grasps his neck and pulls him into a kiss. She doesn’t pull away until the need for air becomes too much, a whimper drawn from her lungs as he continues to push his hips against hers.

“You’re mine forever.” He’s panting, sweat covers his body as he looks down at her. She’s nodding before he’s even finished his sentence.

“Forever. And you’re mine.”

Her words only push him closer to the edge, something about knowing that they’d have forever together driving him wild. He can feel her clenching around him, and he moves faster, chasing his release and wanting them to come together.

“Aaron, I’m close.” She moans, the heat inside of her building by each thrust of his hips.

“Me too.” His forehead falls to her shoulder, his eyes closing tightly at the pleasure of her around him. “Come with me.”

She can only nod, any words lodged in her throat, the pleasure almost too much. It’s the feeling of his teeth biting down on her neck that sends her flying over the edge with a loud cry, her entire body buckling underneath his. She feels the heat of his release only seconds later, hears his grunt as he lets go and comes as deep inside of her as possible, his hips flush against hers.

For a few moments everything is still, the only sound their labored breathing. But then he rolls to the side and Emily follows him, wanting him as close as possible. She throws her leg over his hip and his arm moves around the small of her back to pull her against his chest.

“A lifetime of this doesn’t sound too bad.” She says and he chuckles.

“Doesn’t sound too bad at all.” He stamps a quick kiss to her lips, something soft and gentle before he lays his head on the pillow. “I can’t believe we’re finally married.”

“Me neither, thought it would never happen.” She pushes some hair out of her face before she mimics him and relaxes against the pillow. But then she feels his hand moving from her back to her thigh, his fingers soon moving through her folds, messy with them. “Honey-”

“What I do believe,” He interrupts her. “is that we are nowhere near done yet.”

[hiiddens]

[ ♛ ]  ° • Q & A WITH HYERIN !

001. when is your birthday? and what significant memories do you have of it?

“my birthday is november 11th ! i’m turning twenty-three years old this year, so that’s exciting.” truthfully, she doesn’t see it as a big deal anymore. any fond memories that she had about any birthday from her childhood are long forgotten, though she supposes if they were really anything truly meaningful that she would’ve never forgotten them in the first place.

“on my twentieth birthday, i was not in the best place mentally so i didn’t celebrate that year with friends like i usually would. i stayed home, and just wanted to spend the entire night with my cats. i didn’t tell my sister anything about my lack of plans for the night, but she still came over with this cute cake she made.” she can’t help but smile softly; no words could describe how much that night meant to her.

“i know it’s a very recent memory, but i don’t see her a lot ! she came to my place at the right time like this angel… i was so happy.”

002. what’s a song you have on repeat recently?

“it’s called sunburnt through the glass by prep. i especially recommend listening to it on your way home from work or school.”

003. who is your role model?

“can’t i be my own role model?” she playfully ponders for a second before breaking out in a fit of giggles — if she weren’t herself and instead one of her own subscribers, surely she wouldn’t find herself ‘role model’ material. “just kidding. as shocking as it may be for my parents to hear, as we’re really nothing alike, i would have to say my older sister is my role model.”

if her parents ever took the time to watch this video, surely they would laugh in disbelief. any positive quality that she and her sister shared was always overlooked, maybe deliberately ignored (to be more precise), and as a result they were compared until their paths had gone in completely different directions to make no use in pointing out. there was no way on earth that they would believe she wants to be anything like her.

“she is… incredibly diligent, and so, so wise. she’s successful in her career and she’s worked so hard to get where she is today. she makes our parents very proud,” and i wish i could say the same. “she’s very loving and kind too. sounds close to perfect, right? sorry to everyone interested, but she’s so happily married.”

004. do you believe in ghosts? if so, do you have any paranormal experiences?

“absolutely ! only because the idea of them is very fun. if you have one in your house, they’re like a free roommate who’s always in a silly, goofy mood. they will never pay rent, but at least you will never be lonely! whether that’s threatening or not is up to your ghost roommate.”

005. what was your first kiss like? when was it?

“my first kiss? i was in my first year of high school… it was the first kiss for both of us, and it was… embarrassingly awkward, but in a cute way? hopefully i’m much better at it now!” she gives the camera a quick wink, before the camera cuts once she starts laughing again.

006. what is something you get told all the time?

“i’m not going to lie, but i genuinely have no idea ! this isn’t something i really notice. one thing i’ve been noticing recently though, is that i’ve been getting a lot of requests for idols that i work with to appear on my channel.” stopping her application of her concealer, she deadpans straight at the camera; “am i not enough for you ! how can you keep requesting this of me !!” 

truthfully, this was way easier said than done — she doesn’t know how to ask or who to even ask. “i haven’t really considered having collaborations during the tour. as nice as it would be to get this sort of project done, it’s too busy for me to set up a proper schedule to prepare and film videos… which is why i can only film randomly sometimes.”

007. do you have any regrets?

“of course, but the important thing is to not let your past regrets stop you from being happy with your life in the present.” if only she could follow these wise words that everyone has already heard before. she’s the type of person who can’t let go of all of these things that plague the darkest parts of her mind, which includes many questions of why didn’t i do this? or how could i let this happen? and all of the unanswered inquiries in between. “you made it this far right? maybe what you regret is a blessing in disguise.”

008. how would you describe how you feel right now?

“right in this moment, or with my life? if it’s the former, i’m doing great right now — a bit tired but nothing i haven’t handled before. if it’s the latter… i’m content with my life right now.” a little white lie never hurt anybody, right?

009. what is something you do and don’t like about yourself?

what kind of question is this? what are they trying to find out? she doesn’t really like thinking about herself negatively by force, since she already does so unprompted in the back of her mind. a long list of everything she hates most about herself exists in the back of her mind, in a way that’s reminiscent of amusement park ride operators who sometimes announce fun facts of a certain ride mid-ride.

“um… i don’t know if this sounds weird, but something i’m really proud of is how i can help people feel more confident in themselves with the use of makeup. i know that you don’t need cosmetics to feel confident about yourself, but some do and that’s okay. if helping someone learn new tips, tricks and techniques makes them feel confident in themself, i feel really happy. making someone else happy is always something to feel good about.”

“on the other hand, i think something i don’t like about myself is how i talk. so. much.” it’s not her biggest concern, but it’s the only one she feels comfortable mentioning. “i can go on for hours and hours talking about one thing, and bore everyone i know. sometimes my mouth just says things that my brain doesn’t have time to register and then it’s too late ! i just need to learn how to shut the f— up.”

010. do you have any fears?

being alone at the end of her life, never finding out what real love is like, never being able to become fully honest with herself, never feeling satisfied in choices she’s made — all the unvoiced anxiety that lingers when she’s by herself. questions she can never voice aloud to herself in the mirror, afraid of the answers she’ll try to come up with on the spot. the only word that can really summarise all of her fears without a detailed explanation: “drowning.”

011. when was the last time you talked to your family?

“i spoke on the phone to my sister just this morning !” how long has it been since she spoke to her parents? she doesn’t really know either.

012. what city are you most looking forward to on the tour?

“truthfully, i’m equally excited to go everywhere, and this has been the same thought since the tour started. i have never travelled outside of south korea before, so as boring of an answer as it is, i’m just looking forward to every single one of them.”

013. do you have any allergies?

“thankfully no. or at least none that i can remember… i hope i don’t get surprised anytime soon.”

014. what are some habits or mannerisms that you have? good or bad.

“i have a terrible sleep schedule… and what i mean is that it barely exists. sleeping well has always been hard since i was younger, but i think being on the road may have made it a bit worse. there’s probably more but this is all i can think about right now, considering it’s four in the morning…”

015. what are your hobbies?

“i don’t talk about it often, but i love painting. i got into makeup because i considered it very similar to painting, despite the fact that they’re very different at the same time. my first real love has always been painting, i think.”

016. how was your school life as a kid like?

“normal? it was really nothing very exciting. i was like everyone else just trying to figure out life and that’s it. they say your school years are the best years of your life but i don’t really agree.”

017. do you have any pet peeves?

“personally, i have three pet peeves that i consider the holy trinity of things that should never be done. one, being rude unprovoked. i feel like if your first response is to anything is to be impertinent without a valid reason, you should probably step out of society for a bit. two, invading anyone’s privacy. holy f—, mind your own business ! and three, belittling or underestimating me. the only bright side is the satisfaction i get when i prove them wrong.”

018. do you consider what you’re doing right now your dream job? if not, what is it instead?

“not initially what i considered my dream job, but i would say that yes, this is my dream job now. as a child, pursuing any form of art as a career was my only dream job. i think i’m exactly where i want to be.”

019. what motivates you?

“my family…” technically not wrong, but not in the supportive way people would typically assume when it comes to this question. “in addition, my friends and of course, all of you who watch these videos and anyone who supports me in any way they can. i’ll continue to do my best because you have believed in my all this time.”

020. what’s something you can’t live without?

“can’t live without my kkw contour— i’m just kidding, i’m sorry. i think kim kardashian can be so unintentionally funny sometimes. um… i can’t live without my two children, kiki and lala… my precious cats. i raised them, so i’m basically their mother. i love them so much.” 

021. do you have a celebrity crush?

“...no.” she smiles innocently, supressing a laugh; the last thing she needs is to be in trouble with her work.

022. what is your go to karaoke song?

“i’m not a great singer, but my favourite karaoke song is kelly clarkson’s since u been gone. i absolutely do not have the vocal range for it, however ! i definitely have the confidence to pretend i do !”

023. what type of drunk are you?

“i don’t drink often, it’s not really good for you… but when i do, it kinda depends on the vibes. i’ve been told i can be very clingy and affectionate. other times i just cry… a lot.”

024. do you collect anything?

“lately i’ve been collecting polaroid photos of different landmarks and monuments in all the cities we’ve been going to. i’ve been putting them in an album and it’s turning out really cute.”

025. when you’re sad, what do you do to cheer yourself up?

“painting is extremely healing to me, so if i have the option to do so then it’ll be the only thing i do until i feel better. if that option is unavailable, i just listen to music or watch different rom-coms to take my mind off of whatever is bothering me.”

[jodilin65]

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 31, 2009 It’s been a very peaceful Halloween being out in the woods and away from pesky civilization. It was also quiet today between Jesse’s being home and the weather being warmer.

Didn’t do all that great on tonight’s German lesson but am 75% through 101 with a 92% accuracy rate.

Some people laugh at my use of the word “only.” Such as when I said I was currently fluent in only 3 languages, and when I described a certain day back in Arizona as being mild and only 108º. A cashier who once drooled with envy when I could sit on my hair cracked up when I spoke of the days it was only to my waist.

I was thinking I should get if not a California license, then at least a California ID. I think I’ve been living in California with an Arizona driver’s license with an Oregon address on it long enough.

I also think I should get my own debit card. It’s never good to keep money in just one place anyway, and if anyone’s learned this the hard way a couple of years ago, it’s us.

Meanwhile, November’s when we get his Mac back, December’s when we get my new glasses (or contacts if I can get up the guts to try them), plus other things we could use around here, then January is when we begin to save, save and save! By June I estimate will have enough for a new vehicle if this one crapped out and wasn’t worth fixing. By next December I estimate we’ll have that plus 3-4 months of rent saved.

Right now we’re thinking the best time to go to Italy will be when we’re waiting for our new house to go through and all that. A few months before I know when we’re going for sure I’ll really push for fluency with the Italian. It shouldn’t take long since I know other romance languages and the general rules of how they work. My brain is also wired for that sort of thing anyway.

So now we learn that the healthcare reform thing was basically just a joke, though I pretty much figured as much from the get-go. Tom was all excited about it, but as I tried to tell him, “Don’t be so naive, gullible and quick to believe everything you read! People love to make false promises. Especially at a time when people are so down on their luck and need to hear anything that sounds good to help keep them going. Meanwhile, nobody’s gonna give us shit. Our government cares more about taking care of other countries and not its own people. We have to wait till we’re 65 to get insurance because you sure as hell won’t be getting any job that offers insurance IF you can ever get another job again in the first place.”

As much as I hate cold weather, sometimes I think we ought to just take the Macs, laptop, stereo, iPod, maybe the camera, some clothes and some toiletries like shampoo and toothpaste, leave everything we can’t sell, then head on up to Canada where they insure everyone. But I know we wouldn’t survive the transition and I don’t know that they do retirement communities.

I’m just so worried about our future! The present might look better with the MT and all that, but the long-term future just looks so incredibly bleak. :( I fear that instead of “going home” in 3 years we’ll be killing ourselves instead in about 2 years if there are still no jobs when his extensions run out and we don’t want to be total street bums.

Thanks, God. Thank you so much for caring about my husband and I. Your love for us really shows.

Meanwhile, I’m not going to “try” to get to a dentist and I’m not going to “hope” for one either! That’s just no fucking way to have to live. Do you know how many things could go wrong with a person’s health in 21 years on top of the dental problems they may already have?! Well, if we survive this recession in the first place that’s how long I’ve got till I can get Medicare. :(

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 30, 2009 Made a couple of bucks in less than 5 minutes and am slowly going blond while I’m at it. Well, semi-blond. Blond is my least favorite hair color, but gray is also the ugliest color in the world. I still don’t have much gray; just a little at the temples and forehead plus a few sprinkles elsewhere. But I thought that if I lightened it up little by little the gray roots wouldn’t stand out as much. I’m not going to lighten it too much, though, because I simply wouldn’t look good as a blond either way. Right now, between the last dye job and the California sunshine, it’s a light golden brown.

The good news is that I’m easily going to beat my $100 goal for the month of October. As soon as I get everything that’s pending, plus whatever else I’ll make today and tomorrow, I should be closer to $130 - $150. Between the two of us, it’s like getting his pension money early, plus more!

It’s neat to get paid to write articles and various things that get published in magazines and online, plus other kinds of jobs I do in both English and Spanish. Nothing in Italian or Portuguese yet, though I’m not as good yet in those languages or with German. The German classes have slowed down since I’ve been busy working, but weekends are slower so that’s when I usually catch up on things like that.

Got a letter from Rosa. She made me a Halloween card. I sent her the notes we swapped late one night so as not to wake Tina up by talking out loud and she was amazed that I kept it all these years.

She said she misses home, of course, and her son and mom, but that she tries to keep busy. She said people are always at her door wanting her to make birthday cards or cards for other occasions, and she’s usually tired by the time she’s alone. I didn’t know you could be “alone” anymore in prison than you could be in jail. She’s lucky if that’s the case.

It’s been chilly at night, but the days have been warm and sunny. We might even hit 80º in a few days. :)

Tom called Jesse shortly after I got up today at 11:00 and let him know that he discovered that he hadn’t turned the cooler valve off all the way so that’s why water was running off. There’s also a leak in the plastic line which Jesse says he’ll replace, but as Tom told him, there’s no reason that can’t wait till next year. I still think there’s a gap in the roof by the door too, and that it’ll leak in front of the door when it rains.

I just don’t see how Jesse could’ve seen the water dripping onto the porch from his place like he claims. Maybe with binoculars, but I don’t see how he could see it through all the trees and brush.

Speaking of trees, he’s also going to be dragging a dead tree by our place at some point which I’m sure will have to be when I’m asleep. The bulldozer is broken down right now so he has to fix it first.

I just wish he would do something to shut his fucking dogs up when he leaves! Three times I had to yell at them after he left on the motorcycle around noon. I was so glad to hear him come back just before 2:00. But it’s Friday night so he might still go get shitfaced somewhere. I’m sure the dogs will let me know it if he does.

The whole thing just makes me want to get our own dog even more. If we have to listen to barking every place we go, why not have it be our own for once? It’s like when neighbors blast music. People figure that if they’ve got to hear music for a while it may as well be their own, and so they join right in. We’ve also had a string of bad luck with rats ever since Tinkerbell died, and I like the idea of having something that lives longer than two years. But I don’t like not having a doggy door or an enclosed yard!

I’ve decided not to renew my Webshots membership this year, though they do say you can store up to 1000 pics with a free membership and I’ve got 993, so my pics will still be there. I’m just sick of all the holiday pics! Who the hell needs a dozen Halloween pics and so far in advance of the actual date? It’s worth saving $30, even if it means losing out on some of the better premium pro shots. I’m also archiving my pics in Yahoo either way.

Kiwi’s to launch 3.0 on Monday, something no one’s at all happy about.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 29, 2009 My entries have really been lacking, haven’t they? Work’s been so good that I’ve been pretty busy. Initially, I set a goal of $3.25 a day so I could make $100 a month. Then I started to think I’d be lucky to get just $2.00 a day. Lately, however, I’ve been making $10-$15 a day! Not bad for a few hours of work in the comfort of home. So while I may not be God’s little princess, I ain’t His poor-ass bum anymore either! Hopefully, He’ll go beat on someone else’s head with money for a good long time and leave ours alone. It’s people who don’t give a damn and who don’t want to work that deserve to struggle. Not us! As I told God the other day, “Yo, do you think we’re Puerto Rican or something? Well, we’re not and we really do want to work!”

But sadly there won’t be many new jobs coming around this area for quite some time to come, so it’s nice to at least be able to work online for once and make more than a few cents a day. So now our monthly income should be around $1600 a month, plenty comfortable with our rent being only about half of that. We were even able to have the tank filled with propane today for $200. So 120 gallons of that should keep us set till early February. I had just gotten up when the guy came.

I also got to wake up to the tune of barking, too. Yeah, lucky me, huh? It’s really sad that we have to deal with this in every place we live, but that’s the west for you. And it’s not going to stop with an adult community either, should we ever make it into one. But it’s the only place we can buy something without the loud music and kids in the picture as well. I’m surprised Whiskey didn’t go on and on all day, but I’m sure that the colder it gets, the more he’ll bark. It’s obviously a temperature/seasonal thing.

Jesse left a message saying he noticed the water dripping onto the porch just in front of the door we use. Tom will call him tomorrow after he goes up on the roof to see what he can see. It’s probably coming from the cooler even though we turned the water off for the year. Jesse also did a shitty job on the porch roof. At least the part by the door. There’s obviously a gap somewhere up there for the water to be able to get through in the first place.

What scares me is knowing that this could all be for nothing; this saving up money and all that. Maybe his extensions will run out in a couple of years and maybe there still won’t be any jobs and maybe the government will decide not to give any more extensions. After all, they’ve got to send our money to other countries. Fuck their own people. I mean, what do we deserve? We’re only from here.

As for a dentist, I’ve given up. I totally give up on being teased with the prospect of ever seeing a dentist. I’ve simply resigned myself to the fact that I’m not going to ever see one and therefore I’ve quit hoping for that. I said to myself the other day, “Face it, Jodi, if you were meant to see one you’d have seen one by now. It’s obviously not going to happen, so move on to something that’s doable.”

IDK, maybe something up there just doesn’t feel I deserve to see a dentist, or maybe it just doesn’t give a damn. All I know is that even though we’re doing much better, we’re never going to have that kind of money or insurance since they’d obviously rather just talk about healthcare reform and not actually do anything about it. If the fucking government cared about its own people any more than it did terrorists in Palestine, they’d already have given us insurance. I know no one’s gonna get shit and I’m not going to let myself be belittled, in a sense, with this impossible dream of seeing a lousy dentist. Besides, I have gone this long on my own after all, and I can just take a pain reliever when they really get on my nerves. The teeth still have to die sooner or later anyway, don’t they? Either way, sometimes you want to do something for so long, but you can never do it for whatever reason, and so you finally just give up altogether. Even if I were suddenly insured by some miracle, I’m tired of even thinking of dentists! I’ll get by on my own.

I think the same thing happened with the idea of having a kid. I wanted one for years and I believed I was infertile after years of not being able to conceive. Then one day I had a miscarriage and by then I was so damn sick of the subject that I just didn’t care. So it wasn’t just about me deciding I wanted to keep my life and my freedom. Yeah, that was part of it. But when one anticipates something for so long it just has a way of getting old and wearing off. The only thing I can’t imagine fading with time is the desire to own our own home, preferably one that isn’t a million years old. But maybe it will. Maybe I’ll decide I like renting trashy old trailers by the time he finally turns 55. I just wouldn’t count on that one! Contrary to some people’s beliefs, though, we only have so much control over our destiny and can only be in the driver’s seat so much. All we can do is try our best to achieve what we want. The rest is up to fate. If we’re not meant to have a home – and I would say that being run out of one and losing two others would be a good indicator of what’s in our cards – then there’s not much we can do about it.

For the first time ever I wanted to hug Obama. That’d be when he signed the first federal gay rights law. I nearly fainted with shock when I read about it what with all the false promises those in politics usually make. I definitely can’t say all blacks are like the ones who victimized me for being white and Jewish and asking that they keep their music and trash off our property. I wonder why the change of heart, though, as he sure did a good job of coming off as quite a bigot in saying he thought marriage should be between a man and a woman. To hear someone say that may be sick, but it’s even sicker to hear this from a black person of all people who should know firsthand what it’s like to be discriminated against. I could’ve sworn he said he thought marriage should be between a man and a woman, but that he didn’t hate gays and I was like, then why would you want to exclude them from anything? If you don’t hate someone, you wouldn’t want to suppress their rights as far as I’m concerned.

Ok, this entry’s getting to be kind of long, longer than I expected, so I’m calling it a night for now. Fatso Ratso and Mr. Ratitude will no doubt want their dinner by now.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 27, 2009 I’m actually writing this entry by hand which I plan to type up later when the power is back on. I was sitting at the kitchen table finishing up my breakfast (Tom was still asleep) when the power suddenly died. This was around 7:00. So I called up to Jesse and he didn’t have any power either. The question is whether or not they’re working on something or if the big windstorm we’re supposed to have knocked the power out. I just hope it’s back on soon cuz it’s 62º in here! At this time of year, we don’t get any direct sunlight till around 11:00 being up against the mountain where the sun rises, and so it’ll be quite a while before it even hits 70º in here.

I almost feel like I’m being compensated for all the money I made yesterday. Yeah, yesterday was a great workday. Lots of easy jobs with better pay than usual.

Anyway, after I threw on my mom’s jammies which I appreciate immensely since I haven’t owned a pair in years, I made some hot tea. The bottoms threatened to slip off while I was at it, but I got by. I also threw on one of her sweatshirts, another thing I appreciated. I hate long sleeves, so between that and living in warm climates, I haven’t had much in the way of long sleeves either.

Hey, I’ve been keeping a journal for exactly 22 years now! On this very day 22 years ago I went to the Enfield mall with Jenny (I can’t believe I had such stuck-up selfish friends like her, but most of us do at 21) and got my first journal in 1987. I wrote by hand until 1993 when I met Tom.

Ok, back on track now. After my tea, I realized I had only 4 things I could do. I could eat. I could work out. I could listen to my iPod. Or I could lie in bed bored out of my freaking mind. I decided to write instead.

Later on, we’re going to get burgers and fries. I could light our propane stove/oven with a lighter, but I’ve been craving burgers and fries anyway. I also lost another pound, so why not?

My hand is cramping up on me because I’m not used to writing by hand so I’ll stop for now.

Whiskey just went off for a bit so Jesse must’ve left. I didn’t see the freeloaders’ dogs so I guess it just must be that time of year.

Later…

It turned out to be a pretty fun day. We left around 11:00 for Carl’s Jr. Their burgers and fries are scrumptious! The place was clean, warm, sunny and surprisingly quiet.

Then we browsed through the Goodwill store since it was close by and I grabbed some more incense.

When we returned the power was back on and now the place is just beautiful with all the afternoon sunshine and the windows open. We definitely won’t need the cooler today, though. There’s a beautiful breeze out today too, but it’s not as windy here as it was in town being nestled against the mountainside like we are.

That’s it for now. Off to work I go!

MONDAY, OCTOBER 26, 2009 Jesse didn’t work last week, but he’s working this week. Whiskey went off at 8:00. Gee, it must be coming up on November. :( I had just started putting lotion on my feet and decided that I’d go out and yell up at him if he was still going off when it dried, but he stopped. Still, I’m afraid it’s just a little sneak preview of the shit I’m going to have to listen to until April. It sucks too, not just because excessive barking is no fun to have to deal with no matter what, but it’s going to really distract me from my work.

Tom just got up now and is bogging the net watching a show so that’s why I’m catching up on my writing and proofreading now. I love the guy, but I’m so sick of him being home day after day. Just every single fucking day of every week! I like to be the first one up yet I only get to wake up when he’s asleep 3 times in like 2 weeks. This is the only thing I miss about him having an outside job. I miss having the place to myself at times when he’s not in the way when I’m cleaning or here to distract me from whatever. I would still rather make little money on our own than lots of money with him working elsewhere.

Anyway, I was thinking of the day we own our own place again, have sufficient space, and the freedom to do as we please with it. I really do hope Tom’s right too, and that it does happen! The only dark cloud over the idea is having so much barking so close to us. When I think about it, 90% of the noise we’ve had to live with since being together has been from dogs. I’d say only about 10% of it has been from loud music and kids or excessive car door slamming. But a retirement community is still certainly better than just any community because then we limit the sounds to just barking and maybe some door slamming if they have company 3 times a day like most folks out here seem to.

For the longest time, I’ve been saying there are just two things keeping our lives from being perfect. Lack of money, and worrying about who’s going to take care of us when we get too old to fend for ourselves since we opted out of children in the end. Most of the time we’ve been together we’ve made 30K - 50K a year so we’ll probably have money again at least for a while. It’s the other thing that’s bothered me. It’s easy to say I hope to be the one to die first so I won’t have to be alone and won’t have to deal with the heartache of losing him, but if I were the one to go first, then who would he have by his side in his final days??? Then a simple solution crossed my mind, but it’s not a good one. I’d always hoped we’d each have someone, even if it were just a bunch of indifferent hospital staff, by our sides in the end. However, if we killed ourselves the minute either one of us was diagnosed with something terminal, that’d sure make it easier, wouldn’t it? Ugh, I hate to have to think of it either way and trying to tell myself it’s way too soon to be worrying about shit like that doesn’t always work!

I just might make my goal of $100 after all in my first month at MT. There was a lot of work over the last week, but now it’s slowing down again so I won’t know for sure until the month ends.

I just went out and yelled at Whiskey to be quiet when he started up again and he quieted down right away. But not even a few minutes later he was going off again. I stormed over to the door saying, “What good is the command going to do if it’s only going to work for 10 minutes?!” Then I saw our typical lazy, defiant Mexican neighbors’ dogs back on the loose again. So tomorrow it’s off to call the complaint line again like Jesse told us to for what will no doubt be the fourth time when they’re supposedly supposed to lose them. They’ll just get new dogs to turn loose if they do as that’s just what Mexicans do; they do things their way and their way only, and that’s usually to annoy as many people around them as they possibly can. Then when Tom goes back to work we’ll literally be paying for them to do it, too. Hopefully, today was just an occasional occurrence where the dogs got loose accidentally, but I don’t know. They’ve gotta be just itching to rebel by now. Again I’ll ask, how can these people complain that no one likes them if they’re going to treat people the way they do and be so inconsiderate and rude? Why can’t they be like everyone else around here? Everyone else has been a fine neighbor. No problems there. So if others can behave, why can’t they? The dogs aren’t just annoying with the way they bark and stir up Jesse’s dogs, but these are pitbulls, and pitbulls can be pretty dangerous. They need to be kept tied up and on their own property.

Tom went out and tried to nail them with a rock when they went down into the ditch, and it would’ve been the perfect shot too, had it not hit a tree branch. Figures, huh?

We’re going to have to fire up the heater today. There’s no getting away with it anymore, especially at night now that it’s getting down into the 40s. And we’re also going to have to call the propane guys out soon too, as the tank’s down to 12%. In fact, Tom’s struggling to light the heater now, saying we should get $200 in propane this week. Yeah, AFTER he struggles to light the heater he says will be easy to light if he just removes the spring door while he’s at it. OMG, he got it lit! He really did. I’m impressed.

Down a pound for some reason and that’s really about it. Since I’ve been working my ass off, which is why my entries have been lacking, I’m going to take it easier today and catch up on other things I’ve been neglecting.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 24, 2009 I won a coupon for a free box of those Little Debbie cupcakes Tom loves so much, so that’s cool.

Finally heard from Mary, too. She’s depressed, as expected, but hanging in there. She says the place she’s in now which is in Ft. Lauderdale is so horrible cuz it’s run like a boot camp and the officers there are like drill sergeants and they keep them really busy. She’s also in a huge dorm with 60 people. So much for prison being more comfortable than jail! She did say, however, that they sell radios, soda, coffee and pizza there. So at least she’s got that much to look forward to.

The last paragraph of her letter made me smile. Not just because of the suggestion itself but because I was glad to see she’s at least able to think of – uh – well, these kinds of things despite her predicament, LOL. She said I should write a book with two lesbian lovers and have one be a dominatrix.

I’ll keep that in mind, though I do romantic suspense, and well, a dominatrix hasn’t yet exactly fit any of the roles I’ve had in mind so far for characters, but we’ll see. I haven’t even been writing much of anything in the first place because I’ve been swamped with work. Been doing these transcriptions that are actually of good audio quality for a change, and plugged right into the “hit” as they call it, so there’s no downloading and setup involved or anything like that. But I expect the work will come in waves, so when the jobs are lacking I’ll do other things.

The money’s building up nicely and so is my weight. Yeah, if I don’t quit this shit with all the binging I’ve been doing lately it’s just gonna keep going up and up and up! I’m 126 pounds now.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 21, 2009 I hear a garbage truck somewhere off in the distance. It’s obviously coming from down the mountain somewhere, cuz no one this far up the mountain has trash service.

Eileen and I exchanged emails throughout yesterday morning and a little bit into the afternoon. Then she had to get ready to move. I guess moving day is tomorrow.

Anyway, there wasn’t much work and then tons of jobs came flying in. They nearly cracked 100,000 hits. I’ve been working on and off all night, but when tons of hits come in within the same job, I don’t want to get carried away doing too many in case they’re just going to end up rejecting my work. I did some huge writing projects and other piddly little things.

I also think I may now know what’s going on with my heart. Yeah, I forgot about tachycardia, but that seems the most likely. It’s nothing serious; just a bit of a faulty electrical system, though I sure had the palpitations from hell the other day. Normally they just beat really hard for 3-4 beats at a time, but for the first time ever it did this for about a dozen beats. I was just beginning to wonder if it would ever stop when it actually did.

Things have dried up outside and it’s to be back around the 80-degree marker soon, but not fast enough for me.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 20, 2009 So Amber sent me a friend invite on KB. I accepted it, but after having more time to reflect on the issue, I’m not sure forgiving her was the right thing. Yeah, I may like her fiery, outspoken side to a degree, but she’s also pretty unstable at times. Very angry, confrontational, defensive, and downright mean. None of us may be perfect, but she seems to have a ratio of kindness versus meanness that I’m just not into. I’m surprised she’s so sensitive when it comes to animals, for she certainly doesn’t seem to have much compassion for people. So I will be polite, but not friendly.

Eileen sent me a direct email saying she’s moving to Quincy to be closer to her kids and grandkid. This is nice to know and that she didn’t lose her house with all the foreclosures going on out there.

She asked how I decided on “ratgirl” and I told her about how I got hooked on rats.

It’s still kind of funny how my million-year search led others to find her who were also looking for her.

I didn’t get the impression that she’d seen my journal, but that may be a good thing. Eileen doesn’t strike me as a judgmental kind of person, but if you don’t like those who are unique, eccentric, liberal and outspoken, then you won’t like me! And even if you do, I can see where some people may still be unnerved by the idea of someone they know keeping a public journal, even if it’s hardly uncommon these days, and they don’t have anything unkind to say about them.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 19, 2009 I wasn’t going to join Ning, the new “safe haven” for shafted and pissed-off Kiwiers, but then said what the hell? And so I joined.

Now I can finally say – after a long, long time of being what’s probably the least forgiving person on earth – that I have forgiven someone whom I’ve gotten into it with in the past online. She may stumble upon this journal and not appreciate her name mentioned here any more than it might have already been mentioned, so I won’t do it unless she says it’s ok to do so.

I think it’s cool that we’ve moved on and I think we both realize that sometimes we tend to get carried away at the mouth because we’re so much alike in that we’re both very outspoken. I also think a lot of people mistake our honesty and bluntness for being rude bitches, but that’s basically what it was about. We pissed each other off by saying things the other didn’t agree with, but I have realized that hey, we’re not in high school and so it’s better to “make up” and move on than to hold stupid grudges over the dumbest of things. She didn’t spite me into jail for verbally laying into her abusive ex as Tammy did. Now THAT’S unforgivable! But if she or a few others I’ve squabbled with on KB were suddenly outside our door, they’d be welcomed in for coffee, tea or whatever. We all make mistakes and say stupid shit we shouldn’t say in the heat of the moment, but looking back on it later on it all seems so silly. Most of all, I think we can be as compassionate as we can be mean, me and this chick, and in the end, humans weren’t created to be perfect in the first place anyway.

So if you’re reading this – yeah, you know who you are, LOL - yeah, you’re a bitch just like me, but you’re a likable bitch at the same time. :) I admire your good traits, so keep on doing what you do best!

I now have a 29” waist – yay! Not the 22”-24” that would be ideal for my height, but I’ll settle for peeling off just a few more inches. My weight is still hovering around the 122-pound marker, though. So now that I’m 36-29-36, I’m really starting to pump iron to get that sculpted, muscular look. Slowly but surely, I’m getting there. My tummy is about 90% flat now, too. :)

That justice of the peace in Louisiana is pretty fucked up for refusing a marriage license to an interracial couple, saying that most interracial marriages fail, and any kids they may have will just be picked on.

Most marriages fail anyway, like it or not, and kids pick on each other all the time if not for one thing, then for something else. Besides, people shouldn’t try to stop others from doing what they want simply cuz of what might happen. I hope they sue him silly cuz it’s their lives, and if they really are making a mistake, it’s theirs to make. People should be able to marry their dogs if that’s what they want.

Later…

Just got a little rain, but at least my ear’s not acting up. I never did get any side effects from yesterday’s Claritin (just my sleep being split up), not even the one I wanted which is where I lose my appetite. I still only had about 800 calories yesterday, though today it’s leaning more towards 1200.

Got a message from Dorian, my number-one fan. He always puts a smile on my face. Damn, that guy can write!

Eileen accepted the friend invite just as I was getting pretty sure she either never got it or decided to avoid me for some reason, saying she didn’t realize she had to accept it. I didn’t realize this at first either, I told her.

She sold her house and is packing, but didn’t say where she’s going. I hope she’s ok! I gave her my email addy in case she’d rather keep in touch that way since she doesn’t use Facebook regularly. She did say that due to my finding her more Naomi people are contacting her. Oops. I’m sorry if I may’ve opened up a can of pests! Nah, she probably doesn’t mind. I did notice we had a mutual friend, though. I don’t remember this person, though I’m not surprised she remembers me. I was quite a little monster, no doubt, even though I was only there for all of 5 minutes, LOL!

After saying hi to Emma and Amber on Ning, I swapped messages with Susan. I told her I was totally on her side about the launching of 3.0 and that I believed her when she said Mike got screwed over (he’s there too, and I said hello to him as well) and tried to fight to stop it from happening, but those assholes in Germany are hell-bent on taking over. Despite any disagreements, we sort of became like one big family over there and yeah, you really can make friends online that you’ve never met and never will. So I know how they feel.

Susan replied saying she quit all her jobs there when Mike left and that he was the main reason she stayed on as long as she did, thanked me for my support, and said it was nice to see me there. I doubt I’ll be there that often, though, since I won’t be journaling there, but I’ll drop in every now and then to say hello to people.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 17, 2009 Ah, it is so nice to get paid for my writing for once! Been doing qualification tests and they’ve decided I’m best at writing and so I should be given writing jobs. Gee, I wonder why, LOL! I just wish I could do more transcriptions, though I can’t do many because they’re just too hard to hear. Oh well, I’m still doing pretty good seeing that I’m coming up on $60 counting pending jobs.

I might not get much work done tonight and not just because it’s slower on weekends, but because I’ll be drunk on Claritin D. Yeah, that’s why I’m hurrying up and doing this entry now; before it sets in and makes me dizzy, drowsy, light-headed, jittery, and a true insomniac at heart. The side effects are a killer, but the stuff really does work. I also love how it kills my appetite, too. It’s no wonder they made it illegal to obtain in some states without a prescription. I can totally see how it’d be every druggy and anorexic’s dream come true. I took it a couple of days ago and barely ate 500 calories all day. The worst side effect is the bizarre dreams you have if you can get to sleep in the first place. I slept horribly on Thursday. It’s like I never fully fell asleep, but just remained sort of on the edge of sleep and wakefulness. The next day I let myself get caught up, but since my ear started acting up again today I decided to take another Claritin, even though I’ll be just as sorry as I will be glad that I did.

I’m enjoying this toasty warm night we’re having before it cools down and clouds up yet again so more bugs can invade the place.

That’s pretty much it. Been doing a wonderful job of neglecting my stories and am even slacking off on my German lessons, but I might get around to it tonight, depending on how much of a Claritin haze I’m in. The side effects do eventually go away, but it takes a while and I’d rather not have to be on the stuff that long in the first place.

Think I’ll go check out what new jobs may be in and then do a little proofreading.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 16, 2009 Wow, I made a buck fifty in just 3 minutes writing a 200-word article reviewing our local pet store. It’s nice to finally get paid for my writing! I’ll bet I made more doing that than I would have had I let them publish my manuscript for just pennies while the publishing company kept most of the dough.

Anyway, I’m over $40 now. Sometimes the work comes in steady streams, sometimes it seems like hours go by before anything new comes in that I’m qualified to do, which they’ve decided is mostly writing projects. Gee, I wonder why?

Now I’m thinking my ear might be affected by humidity as well. It’s hot again here, but still kind of humid for this area. It got on my nerves enough to take a nightmare pill for it. Yeah, that’s what I call the Claritin D. Benadryl doesn’t help much, so I took Claritin instead, even though it fucks with my sleep and causes nightmares. I laughed when I first read that side effect, unable to see how medication could do that to you, but I don’t mind being chased by ax-wielding zombies for a few minutes if that’s what it takes to relieve the pressure I get when the tube that runs between the inner ear and throat gets congested.

Anyway, it’s after 4am and I’ve got the fan on and the window open. Now that’s how California should always be! Ah, but sadly, it’s to cool down and cloud up again soon. It’s December through February that I’m really not looking forward to.

I’m burning Cool Water incense now which smells like lavender.

Less than two weeks ago I only knew a few German words and now I know dozens. The jail Germ, as I’d refer to her, would be impressed. That’d be the 60-year-old thief I was in jail with whom I both liked and hated. She drove me crazy cuz she’d always pace back and forth across the little two-man cell we were in, but she sure had a lot of interesting stories to tell about her life back in Germany before she married the American soldier she married. She was small like me, but that was Ad-Seg for you – home of the high-profile child abusers and the undersized.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 15, 2009 The German lessons are going really well, though some of those looooong words can be tough to pronounce. Currently, I am fluent in 3 languages, knowledgeable in 2, and now I’m learning German. I don’t know that I’ll add any more languages to my list after this. I think managing 6 languages is enough work!

Mary’s 32 today. I just hope she’s ok and that I hear from her when we go to pick up our mail on Friday. That’s when the rats’ new bottle will be there, so that’s why we’re going then. Then we won’t go again till next Thursday when the check should be there.

We got slammed with rain and so Jesse was bulldozing the drive from what it sounded like when I got up. I figured he would. That first rain of the year really messes things up. I just hope the dogs don’t go losing in November like they did last November.

My ear’s been acting up since it got cooler and rainy, so maybe it’s a temperature or humidity thing besides an elevation issue. It’s supposed to be warm and sunny again, though. As it is I haven’t needed any heat tonight. It’s coming up on 2am, yet it’s 77º in here.

The Turk’s kind of slow today, though I’m coming up on $40 and still have hundreds of jobs pending. I’ve submitted over 1100 now.

Tom’s looking forward to getting his Mac back in a few weeks so he can do more transcriptions and make money a lot faster. We figured out that all we need is $45 a day to make it on our own. I doubt the Turk would ever make us that much, but his program is still a possibility. We’re looking at launching that in a few months or so.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 14, 2009 Understandably, a lot of people on KB are pissed that their protests to stop the launching of 3.0 are going ignored. I agree that there are already enough goddamn Facebook knock-offs on the web. They’re setting up other sites to discuss the fall of KB since you can’t really express yourself on KB if it’s not what they want to hear any more than you could on OLS.

I myself haven’t left KB due to just the inevitable, unwanted change, but for other reasons beyond the loss of prizes and journals. I’m sick of the drama queens like Susan, Amber and Emma, though I can relate to their frustrations over what’s been going on. Still, I’m tired of seeing the same damn members get away with attacking those who dare to speak their minds and be unique simply because they’re best buds with the hot shots there. But life wasn’t meant to be fair and I can’t fix KB. Only the new owners can do that and they obviously don’t want to leave what works best the hell alone and put an end to the favoritism that goes on there.

Here I don’t have to be afraid to “be myself” in my own journal. Here I can say what I want and not have to deal with any little sensitives who can’t handle and therefore shouldn’t be reading what I might have to say. Journals are supposed to be a means of fully expressing ourselves without having to hold back in any way. Anyplace that says you can’t bash apples or cows in your own journal isn’t really providing you with a “journal” in the first place. Furthermore, if you don’t like what someone may have to say in their journal, there’s a simple solution to that. There really is.

Don’t read it!

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 13, 2009 Lots of Turk work came in today and that helped make up for the slow weekend. It was down to like 10,000 jobs on Sunday, but today there was something like 33,000.

I’m halfway through German 101, still with a 95% accuracy rate, and about to take another lesson.

Supposedly we have a real kick-ass storm on the way. At about 4am we should get slammed. In less than a day, we’re to get as much rain as we’d get in Arizona in a year. Lots of wind, too.

Can’t think of anything else. Just working and doing the usual.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 11, 2009 I’m now 44% through German 101 and still with a score of 95%. I’m going to be taking another lesson in a few minutes since it’s another slow workday. I still got enough to order that bottle for the rats awfully fast! That should be here within a week. After I get the things on my list I’m going to start saving most of my earnings.

I definitely need new glasses next. Tom thinks I need bifocals. I miss my old eyes! I really didn’t think I’d need glasses of any kind till I was in my 50s, yet my eyes are getting worse and worse by the minute, and these drugstore glasses are too heavy.

I also need new bras. Dumping 30 pounds makes your clothes too small! Then we’d still like the memory foam topper for the bed, a new body pillow, and one of those Nu-Wave ovens. I also have to drop Napster for Slacker and renew my Webshots membership.

So after we get all this shit which should cost around $300, I’ll start saving. Tom will have the $500 he’ll need to get his Mac back next month.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 10, 2009 I’m now 38% through German 101 with a score of 95%. It’s going a hell of a lot better than the French was! I’m retaining quite a bit and fast too, though I think it’s going to take me 5 years before I can say the word “nurse.” Krankenschwester, WTF???

I guess I’ll journal here till they either launch 3.0 or I get sick of it.

Not much Turk work in today cuz it’s the weekend, but I’m over $30 now.

We went to put money on the card to cover the phone/net bill today, and since we’re not doing so bad I even got some incense at the Goodwill. Vanilla, Strawberry, Wild Cherries, Opium, Cool Water, Jasmine, Rain Forest and China Rain.

It was a hot one out there today. At least in the direct sunlight, it was anyway.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 9, 2009 Decided to drop French for German since I heard it’s supposed to be the easiest language for a native English speaker to learn because it’s structured a lot like English. Sure enough, it really is pretty easy! Some words are a bit tough to pronounce, but you can get used to them. I’m already 25% through German 101 with a score of 93%. I know I have a knack for languages anyway, but that’s still not bad for my first non-romance language!

Although they have gender words like romance languages, they’re not “backward.” You know how we say, “I am not young,” while in Spanish it equates to “I no is young?” Well, they put the “I am” or “you are” before the “not” as well. It seems they capitalize the first letters of all nouns, though.

Anyway, French was just kind of ugly for me. German’s ugly too, but it’s different, and I partially disagree with those who say French is the hardest romance language. I think it’s the hardest to speak and to hear, but I think Italian has the toughest grammar.

Well, I’ve turned into a regular little workaholic working 7 days a week and you could definitely say I’m quite dedicated. Tom thinks I work too hard, though I always make sure I still have a life and that I don’t neglect other things that need to be done. The only thing I’ve been neglecting is my writing/proofreading, but that’s not a necessity, so it’s ok. Not a whole lotta jobs coming in today, so I’m doing some proofreading and I might work on my stories, too.

I also decided not to bother with AdSense until and if we have a website of our own. If we do, then I’ll throw it on whatever sites I use that’ll let me, like Blogger. It’s definitely not worth paying LJ $20 for, especially since I don’t need the features that come with upgrading. So which journal will I use? I guess I’ll stick with LJ’s free journal for now. Maybe sometimes I’ll copy stuff to other places, but LJ will be the main journal for now.

The check came today and we even have a pretty decent cushion for the first time in quite a while. Tom could even get his Mac back now, but we decided to wait till next month. It’ll only cost $10 extra. Yes, after a long stressful year of getting nowhere, things definitely do seem to be improving. I hope it stays that way, too!

But Mary’s life got worse. I hope I hear from her soon, but I can understand that she’s going to be depressed for a while.

As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve had intermittent cramps and ache-like pains mostly on the left side of my chest. For the most part, I’m not sure what the hell it could be, but something happened the other day that now has me wondering if maybe there really is something wrong with my heart, as hard as it is to believe. I know it’s not impossible and that it does run in my family, but I’m still fairly young and super fit. And while I may not be thin, I’m not fat either. Especially for my age. What happened was I had some cramps that sort of pulsated on and off. Then they stopped for a while. But then later on I was startled by what I thought was a huge spider and the instant my heart started racing, the cramps returned.

Nothing from Eileen since we first spoke. I don’t know her or exactly what’s going on in her life, but I realize she might’ve been spooked by my journals if she read them. I even considered taking the links off Facebook, but then decided not to. I’m not going to change my life for anyone, and anyone who may be spooked by them or anything else about me shouldn’t be a friend of mine, not that the idea is to be her friend or stay in touch anyway. Don’t get me wrong; she’s still welcome to contact me and I might say hello from time to time myself, but the main point was to a) find out who she was. And b) thank her for caring. Even so, I’m kind of shocked she wasn’t as delighted and as flattered as I’d think she’d be at all the time and effort I put into finding her.

As for Gregg, I asked him if he’s checked out my journals, saying I was curious as to who on Facebook may take the time to check them out. I never got an answer, which makes me think the answer is probably, “Yes, and I don’t want to be put on the spot with any questions about what I think of them.”

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 8, 2009 Nothing from Eileen since we first messaged each other, and she still hasn’t accepted my friend request. Hmmm… could she be spooked by my journal? Something else? Something that has nothing to do with me? Either way, it’s like, gee, thanks. I put all these years and all this work into finding you and you’re like, yeah, so? So what?

Not that I regret finding her and settling my curiosity as to who she is and what her life has been like, but it looks like my sensors were right on as usual when I said I sensed a lack of mutual excitement over reuniting. Oh well. I’ll send one more message saying hello towards the end of the month and then that’s it. I don’t want to bother with her if she doesn’t want to bother with me.

Got a friend request on Facebook from a mutual “friend” of ours. We have two mutual friends, actually, and that’d be those two people whose emails and IPs trace to Mountain View, CA. Sure enough, while this one’s profile looks legit, its email also traces to Mountain View. It’ll be interesting to see just what they’re up to.

It just seems really strange that I get friended by strangers while Eileen hasn’t accepted my friend invite.

Later…

No unemployment check today, but we’re not worried since Margaret, at the UPS Store, said that others hadn’t gotten their checks either. We mail the forms right over to Sacramento, but the checks themselves come up from San Bernardino. Besides, I haven’t had any bad dreams.

No letters or samples today, but I got that pendant I won. It’s just so-so. Kind of hard to see any detail because it’s so small, and lacking in color.

Best of all, I got my first check from InboxDollars and Tom found a more convenient check-cashing place, so we still got plenty of stuff to hold us over till tomorrow, not that we were completely out of food.

Today’s the opposite of yesterday on MT; not many jobs coming in. But if it can be this good during the worst economic times that I’ve ever seen, I can just imagine how much better it’ll be when the economy is better and there are more jobs and fewer people around to steal them from me! It’s so cool to see my money grow throughout the day and or night, depending on when I’m awake and available to work. I do as much as I can whenever I can. I love working from home! No need to worry about transportation, gas, etc.

For now, Tom, who’s still hopeful for an outside job, decided to use what he earns towards paying the phone/net bill while I get various things we could use around here and maybe even a few goodies mixed in. I want to get the rats a new water bottle first. This old roller bottle sucks and it’s too small. Super-sized rats like these go through 8-oz. bottles in no time. I’m going to get a top-loading swivel spout bottle like the one we had for years before it broke.

Not much else to say. The days are toasty warm, the early mornings chillier than I’d like. I wish it could always be June!

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 7, 2009 Been going nonstop since I got up about 8 hours ago that I didn’t think I was going to get to make an entry today. Yeah, they really threw the work at me today on MT! Part of the contract in working for them means you can’t discuss the jobs, so I won’t discuss the actual jobs themselves. I don’t know why they have this rule since anyone can sign up to be a worker there. You just have to be over 18 and not have any felonies on your record. Once that’s established, you’re in!

I’ve got $20 made so far and about $25 in pending jobs. Yesterday there weren’t many jobs, but today there were tons of them. I was worried I wasn’t going to get enough work, but I’m still pretty sure I’ll make $200 - $300 a month there. I currently have 577 jobs submitted, 442 approved, 17 rejected and 118 pending.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 6, 2009 Lost a total of 30 pounds since my highest high that I know of which was 151 pounds, and am back to 121 pounds.

I exchanged a few messages with Eileen last night. She was perfectly polite and friendly, but I didn’t sense the same eagerness about hearing from me as I felt over finding her. IDK, I just would’ve thought she’d be more excited. Who knows, maybe she was. You can’t hear tones or see facial expressions online, so who knows? This is just something I sensed.

Anyway, she simply told me that she did remember me and thanked me for considering her to have been a kind person. She’s 58 now with 3 grown kids and 1 grandchild. She asked what was up with me and I gave her the highlights within a few paragraphs.

She hasn’t accepted my friend request yet, but that’s up to her. If I never heard from her again I’d be ok with at least knowing that I accomplished my main goal which was to find and thank her. Anything more is just a bonus.

I did get a friend request from a fellow camp group member, and a message from Gregg saying it was his pleasure to have been able to help me after I thanked him for his help. He says he loves that kind of detective work. I was glad to hear that as I was worried I was burdening him.

Wow, California has definitely been the “state of reunion” for me, even if there were a few unwanted attempts to reunite with me along the way.

I spoke to my folks yesterday and I’m both glad and not so glad I bothered to call, as I knew they’d bring up the shit with Tammy and her brood. I was about to just call it quits and hang up when my dad insisted, all the while my mom’s attitude was like fine-go-ahead, that they weren’t blaming me only. Well, that’s nice that they recognize that I’m not the only one who did things she shouldn’t have, but they almost made me feel like a kid being scolded all over again. I understand where they’re coming from, but still, I don’t need this shit in my life. It’s easy to tell myself, “Just walk away. Just wash your hands clean of all of them just like you did 10 years ago. You got along fine without them and you know you don’t want/need any negative people in your life or people you simply don’t care for.”

But it’s not that easy what with how much I appreciate their saving us like they did, and all the nice stuff they sent. Stuff is just stuff, I know, and it’s not a ticket for them to aggravate me, but because it was a minor thing where they just wanted to ensure that I won’t contact Tammy, I will keep in touch for now. Besides, it’s not like these people have many years left to live in the first place, and as I assured them, ignoring Tammy and company is my pleasure. Even if they sent a million messages a day I could just ignore them. If they lived a few feet away from us, they could make me pay attention to them, but they don’t. Those people can never hurt or control me ever again. None of them can. I will never see them again and the only ones I’ll talk to are my folks, and without others in the mix to start the he-said, she-said bullshit and come between us, we should be able to get along. This won’t stop Tammy from telling them things in my journal that I might not necessarily tell them myself which they may not agree with (like looking up personal info on people, posting the message about Valleyhead, finding Eileen), but as long as they don’t get pushy, controlling or demanding in any way, I’m ok with keeping in touch with them. And I’d say Tammy definitely mentioned Valleyhead and camp to them because of the way Dad worded things when he said, “That’s what you do. You look up people and places.” Well, I’ve never mentioned places to them in past letters, just info on various people like when Al M died and shit like that.

Meanwhile, things just aren’t the same and I doubt they ever will be again. My folks almost sounded cold, especially my mother. Like talking to me was a chore that they simply felt obligated to do because they’re my parents. I’m not saying they don’t care about what’s going on with us and that they don’t wish us the best, but well, it’s like we’re strangers in a way. Then again, I think we always have been, haven’t we?

Anyway, my folks are ok. They said they’ve never seen a recession this bad in their lives and that they can’t even save. And what they do save has to go to doctors. I’m sure their definition of saving is different than mine, though. We’re so broke that a savings of $20 is a luxury to us.

We have 6 old CRT monitors and Tom brought two of them to the recycling center today, planning to eventually take two more in, then keep a couple as a backup. Well, it’s a good thing he didn’t bring them all in today as the one he was using burned out, so he’s using one of the backups till he can get his Mac back.

I learned an easier way to peel bananas. You usually peel them from the stem, but if you turn the banana around and pinch the very ends of it, it peels much easier. It’s how monkeys do it.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 5, 2009 I have some pretty exciting news! I not only got the name I’ve been looking for but made contact, too! Yay! Her name is Eileen.

I got up this morning and found a message from Gregg, saying that one of their alums gave him the names of the unit heads from 1976 and that they vaguely remember Eileen having a dog.

Someone else said she married a counselor there.

So now I had a name. A much more likely name than ever before.

But then I ran her name and got more hits than I knew what to do with. Especially without an exact age and knowing what state she currently resides in.

Then someone named Becky was kind enough to leave a message on the reunion site saying she vaguely remembers a Jodi being in her cabin, but she couldn’t picture her and didn’t remember anyone getting kicked out. Also, there was a unit head around that time who had a dog named Sidney, who fit the description I gave of the unit head.

For some reason, the dog’s name seemed more familiar as opposed to the name Eileen. So I sent Becky a PM, thanked her for her input, described myself, and gave her my photo albums link in case seeing me would help her remember anything more since I have had pictures throughout all my life there. Then, to see if Becky remembered anything else I told her the only other real memory I have of being in the cabin and that would – uh – that would be stealing some other girl’s barrette! I told her that my bunk was on the front wall of the cabin, maybe 3-4 bunks from the sidewall heading away from the door. In the next bunk to the right, closer to the wall, was a girl whose long hair I was jealous of because my mom wouldn’t let me grow mine much longer than the middle of my back. I don’t remember anyone’s names, but anyway, she had a large brown hair barrette and a colored one as well. Being the little devil that I was at the time, I stole one of them. Yeah, I wasn’t a very nice kid, LOL, though as I told Becky, I’d be happy to replace it now!

Becky told me the name of that girl and that seemed familiar, too. Then she sent me an email saying she’d Googled Eileen’s name and provided me with a link that had a photo which she was pretty sure was Eileen. It was a picture at an education site showing her, her daughter, granddaughter and mother. Without seeing a better picture taken from around the time I last saw her, I wouldn’t be able to look at it and go, “Oh, yeah, that’s definitely her!”

We seem to have a couple of things in common from what the article said, like writing and languages. I guess she spent some time in Denmark and learned the language. She seems to be mostly into business-related stuff, though, and has kids. When I looked her up on MySpace she came up as single, though the article spoke of her as married and it’s only a year old, so I don’t know if she’s still married or not. She seems to have done quite well for herself over the years and has led a very busy and productive life.

Had someone told me in Phoenix when my first attempt to locate her came to a dead-end that some guy in Georgia would help me find her 14 years later while I lived in California of all places, I’d have laughed my ass off!

This entry is getting way too long and so I’ll finish the story tomorrow. I’ll just sign off by saying that Brandy and the puppy came down today and this time it wasn’t quietly. The puppy barked just outside the porch. Tom said he thinks something happened to scare it, but I think it was playing. It not only distracted me from my work, but it really startled me. So I called up to let Jesse know his dogs were loose. Damn, I wish that guy would keep his dogs to himself! This is the whole reason we came out here; to try and finally escape this shit.

Up to $11.59 now on MT, but I’m afraid there are not going to be as many jobs as I hoped there would be. I’m also still owed about $20 in pending payments.

Oh, I keep forgetting to mention this and then I’ll sign off – I apparently scared off whoever the hell that really was that contacted me on FB claiming to be from outside of Thailand. I don’t know what their motives were, but when I confronted them with the fact that I ran their email and found them to be just 134 miles from here in a place called Mountain View, I never heard from them again.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 4, 2009 Wow, no barking yet, though I’ve only been up an hour. I’m impressed. It’s their kind of barking weather, though certainly not mine. At this moment it’s 46º. And people think California’s always warm and sunny – haha! Every night from here on out till March I’ll be dreaming of Florida.

Today’s my 12th quit-smoking anniversary! I can just imagine the money I’ve saved over the years. I don’t think I’d be alive today if I hadn’t quit, but in the end, I didn’t have much choice. Sometimes things have to get to the do-or-die stage before change occurs.

My weight works as mysteriously as God. Yesterday I took the day off from both diet and exercise, slammed on a good 2000 calories or so of whatever, and woke up this morning to find I’d lost a pound. I can also imagine all the weight I’d lose – and how quickly – if I could only discipline myself with the diet part as well as I can with the exercise part. If not, I’ll forever bounce between 122-124 pounds.

Work has slowed down over the weekend as few requesters are around to pay the workers for their tasks. The good news, though, is that I think I can make closer to $10 a day if I do 60-70 jobs a day. It’s hard to tell exactly what I’ve made each day until all pending jobs are paid for, and of course I expect a few here and there to stiff me. After a week of not receiving payment, I’ll jot the names down of those people/companies and make sure I never do any other jobs for them again.

I won a fairy pendant from that doll company. I asked them what it was I won. I didn’t want them sending me crap I’d feel almost insulted to “win” and embarrassed for whoever made it like in Oregon. I saw a picture of it and it’s not too bad at all.

What should I do now? I think I’ll try to get my sister sent to jail for defending me when I lived back in S. Deerfield in 1991 and the Northampton Crisis Center insisted I killed my dad in 1984 (yeah, they had my files mixed up with someone else’s, alright!). But who the hell was she to get involved? After all, I was only her little sister. Shame on her for trying to stick up for me. She should’ve never given a damn, right? Right?

I’m 19% through French 101 with a score of 95%. So far it’s both harder and easier than expected. The grammar’s not too bad, but it’s going to take a long time to get used to hearing/speaking it. It’s kinda ugly. Usually, it’s the other way around and the grammar is the hardest part for me. It sounds so different than Spanish and Italian and even Portuguese, too. But when you’ve been hearing Spanish every day for two decades as opposed to French, it’s no wonder French sounds weird.

J’ai froid (I am cold)!

Since there’s less work today, I guess that means more entries from me on weekends.

The dogs are still quiet and I can’t help but wonder, would they be this quiet if Jesse wasn’t home? I’m afraid I would not like the answer to that question!

I suppose it’s a waste of time to try to figure people out, but I just don’t get them when it comes to defending them. They crucify you if you do stick up for them, and they crucify you if you don’t. They’re never happy no matter what!

Later…

The cold is making my ear act up. Anyway, it’s just after 8am which means Jesse will be taking off anytime between now and noon. It’ll be interesting to see how the dogs are then, though it should be warming up fast as it usually does in dry climates. Then again, it’s only supposed to get up to 65º. It will be back in the upper 70s next week.

The more I work at MT, the more I can see the possibility of making closer to $10 a day. I wish he’d hurry the hell up and get up already, so he can set me up to do transcriptions that pay more. We read the tutorials and style guides yesterday. I may be bad at a lot of things, but if there’s one thing I’m good at it’s typing.

So they say the new and historical insurance plan is to cover dental and vision, but I’ll believe it when and if I see it. I’m just glad they’re keeping the illegals out of it. That would’ve really driven the population up worse than China! Besides, I hate to give things unless it’s something I don’t want anyway. That’s another human trait I don’t get besides forgiveness. Why would people want to be giving any more than forgiving? Giving is how you get taken advantage of. Forgiving is how you get screwed over again. So no, I’ll never hold a grudge against Lisa for immaturely attacking me like that without politely and calmly asking me about what I did or didn’t say to my dad in an adult manner, but I’ll never forgive her. Why? So she can attack me again without giving me a chance to explain or defend myself? Sorry, but at nearly 44 years of age, I’m not obligated to explain or defend myself to anyone.

The sick neighbors we had didn’t allow me the luxury of ignoring them for 7 years, and this has only made me more determined to cut those of negative influence out of my life. I may not be able to destroy their memories. I may write about them from time to time. But they will never ever again get the chance to victimize, abuse, use or just plain annoy the hell out of me ever again. Not if I can help it! I’m sure my sister would deem that as “threatening” if she reads this too, hahaha!

Still haven’t decided on AdSense yet or if I’m going to continue journaling. I kind of like journaling where I can have some say in who comments about it. If KB really does have those controls included with 3.0 once they launch it, I might return there. It’s easier to choose the colors from their drop-down menu, but here I have to import them.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 3, 2009 Yesterday morning there was some barking. Nothing maddening, but I can see how it’s going to get there the cooler the weather gets. Tom doesn’t think they’ll be a problem this winter because Brandy and Whiskey are older and the puppy will learn from them and follow their behavior. Yeah, that’s my optimistic hubby for ya! Brandy (I think it was her) just went off for a few seconds yet it’s the weekend and Jesse should be home. I hope she woke him up!

There she goes again. Great. Just great. So much for hoping it wouldn’t start up till next month! I’ll put the sound machine on so I can concentrate on my work. I’ll be working more today than yesterday because I need to give myself a day off from working out. My legs are like logs!

I almost met my $5-a-day goal yesterday. I made $4.48 that I know of. Meaning that there are several other jobs I did yesterday that are still pending. It usually takes a few days to receive payment. Once everything’s all paid, I should total around $20, plus whatever I make today. Our goal is to make at least $300 a month in extra money between the two of us.

They reactivated my Facebook account yesterday.

I’m going to give my folks a call, probably at the beginning of next week right after 5pm my time when I know they’re likely to be home, but not yet asleep.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 2, 2009 Yay, just 999 days to go till he turns 55 and we can hopefully – hopefully – get the ball rolling towards getting a house in a senior community!

Meanwhile, I’ve been working and winning. Yep, I did say winning. From 2005 to early 2008 I won nearly 20K worth of stuff. Then it all stopped right along with the economy. I’m still not sweeping regularly, but I got a win notice from a doll company saying I was their monthly winner. Apparently, if you’ve subscribed to their newsletter, you’re automatically entered into their monthly contests. I once won from them up in Oregon, but you don’t always get dolls. If I remember correctly, I got some stupid handmade craft that looked like a two-year-old made. Watch, now that I’ve quit collecting dolls, it will be a doll!

We decided to set me up with an account on MT, so now we’re both workers there. I did 27 jobs in just a couple of hours and made a few bucks. I can see where we could easily make 3-5 hundred a month doing this! Eventually, I’ll do some transcriptions. That’s where the real money is.

It’s so nice to be working and making money, even if it’s not a lot! After the hell we’ve been through, getting “rich” and having “tons” of extra money no longer is a top priority for us. Of course we’d take millions of dollars if we could. We’re only human. Yet while extra money may be nice, as long as we can pay for our necessities, that’s plenty good enough for us.

I’ve been wanting a home job that’d pay a significant amount and not just a few bucks here and a few bucks there for so long now. Working at home I don’t have to worry about schedules, transportation, uniforms, or any evil coworkers/bosses.

I decided to spend the first few hours of my day doing everything else I usually do, then the rest of the day will be devoted to working. Of course I’ll take breaks to eat, exercise, run errands, etc.

Still haven’t decided if I want to do AdSense yet. Off to work now!

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 1, 2009 I realized that what my sister did really put a complex on me and could stop me from helping those who truly want to be helped in the future. About a decade ago I was harshly reminded that you not only can’t help those who don’t want help, but they can turn on you, too. Not just refuse your help, but literally spite you for trying to help. Because of this, I had to ask myself this: If I saw a guy abusing some woman somewhere, would I have the guts to try to help her? Or would I be paranoid that she would tell the cops when they arrived that I was the one trying to attack her or something like that?

I hope I won’t ever have to find out!

She once said I deserved it when I told her Ron once slapped me. This was back in the mid-80s. Can you believe it? “You deserve it,” she told me.

Yet I, along with any other sane, rational human being, know that no one deserves to be slapped. No one. If they’re not trying to harm you, your loved ones, or your property, no one deserves to be handled that way. Violence is not love. Although I threw the bastard out before I could take a hammer to his head in his sleep, her telling me that probably hurt me more than his slap. I was only around 21 at the time.

We’re looking for a site like MT that I could work at. I should be started with something somewhere within a day or two. Tom thinks I’d be best at jobs that involve writing, LOL, obviously. Oh, and I went back and re-read that chick’s message. She hasn’t been on the MT for 2 years but for 2 months.

I still can’t believe the judge fucked over Mary by reneging on the deal. Then again, I can. When you are the law, you can make it or break it at will. I don’t get how they expect people to testify if they keep backing out of the deals they make, though. Oh well, hopefully the asshole will get hit by a bus or something.

[dr-drckken]

Day 15: The Needledrops Playlist

1. In The Dark of the Night , when Gil chose to save Holley instead of chasing after Clayton, resulting in Clayton getting away. 

Grave Consequences - Joe Kraemer (from the Mission: Impossible Rogue Nation Soundtrack)

This lives in my head rent free all the tiiiimmeee. I looooved this thread, I still love this thread, and everything between Clayton vs the RAS. I love that through line of Bianca getting murked by Clayton and then it come back around to affect what Gil was going to do when being put back in the woods with another agent down. I love parallels and book ends and all that good shit. This was just such a good execution of it. ANYWAY, we’re here to talk music: I think this song is a good fit for this moment not only because of the title, in fact I didn’t even know the title when I went searching through the album for this song lmfao, but because it’s got that quiet beginning that builds up and it takes it’s sweet time to get there. And then it gets to like the second minute where it’s got the sneaky spy vibes with some villain-esk/tension building moments in there for the cutting back and forth between Holley/Gil vs Clayton running around in the forest. And then at the end it gets darker and that could hold the place of being like, “oh no what am i to do,” and the audience being like, “oh my GOD what is he going to DO,” until that tension breaks and the last minute is fast strings, which could be gil running to get to holley cut between clayton running to get the hell on outta there, and the last seconds are a fading out of this. it isn’t a triumphant score or a soft ending, because that wasn’t what this moment was. it was a moment of character growth for gil, but in going to holley rather than going after the baddie, there is still an open case on the desk that will remain there. so while the song ends on like a long note, it’s got a crunchy chord in there that gives me, “it’s over but there’s still more questions left to be answered.” kind of ending, leaving it open to what will happen next… 

2. The Night Before Christmas, when Eli found and decided to look after bb Penny <3 

Christmas Surprise - Hans Zimmer (from the The Holiday Soundtrack)

Everytime I am reminded that mr. zimmer scored the music i am shocked. anyWAY. did i chose this because it happened on christmas? yes. BUT i also chose it because it’s such a cute little song and i think it fits the vibes art was putting down in this self para!! The christmas vibes, the undercurrent of ghosties, the kind of sad bits of Penny being left at the firehouse with the note from her mom go with the beginning minute, up until the like acoustic guitar plucks in and lifts everything up into a more hopeful, softer and happier tone, which go with the parts of Elliot being like, “I’m going to take her.” And then the like last 30 seconds of the song with the bells and lightness of them being added, like the small, young, baby Penny being added to the narrative and life of Elliot Morey being his lil Christmas Surprise <3 

3. Under the Tuscan Sun Arc, but when Isabela and Copper go to the art museum to see the statue of David

Full House - Alan Silvestri (from the Night At The Museum Soundtrack)

I have been on the nose with all of these and I’m not going to QUIT NOW! im obsessed with isa and copper, as anyone would be, and this whole arc was just mwah mwah mwah. loooove them just hanging out in italy, i could have read 5 books worth of them being on holiday there. the night at the museum soundtrack always hits me because idk it’s got some very optimistic sound shit in it with a childlike wonder that just hits. and while they are in a museum, surrounded by tourists and cool art and blahblahblah, and it would hit for them since i think they were both excited to be there and sight see, it also goes for their relationship and how nice and happy it is in this moment of time where they aren’t in town, they’re in this beautiful city surrounded by history and cool shit to look at and they’re there for a wedding of these people they helped together. and there’s that line where copper makes isa laugh, and isa doesn’t usually laugh in a way that isn’t something she planned to do, so that sort of whimsy of this adventure for them i think fits the sound of this song

4. Solar Haunt, when Jasper’s lackeys make a mess of Swynlake 

I Hate This Town - Steven Price (from the The World’s End Soundtrack)

there is nothing quite like a group of henchmen acting like wrecking balls together lmfao. I had such a fun time reading this, miss gigi you’re a comedic queen. Fuck a log book! lives in my mind when i’m at work all the time now. This movie came to my mind because I remember the score being very in the pocket of the scifi of the movie itself with the lil techno noises that would be implemented and i just wanted that to keep the reminder that these guys are out here doing this after they got off work putting in solar panels at the school lmfao. it’s the backdrop to a fight sequence in the movie (the best one imo!!!), so i think it fits well with all the action going on in this para, and having a more sinister feel to it with the way the strings and horns come in and the beat is just chugging along. there’s also this sound that’s almost like an alarm going off, which also adds to the over all “this is getting craaazzzyyy” antics these guys are getting up to. and the ending of the song drops off after ramping all the way off and peters out, which i feel fits with how the para ends with the guys booking it out and the henchmen being like, “boss isn’t going to like this! we’re fucked!” 

5. Giselle and Amity meeting face to face at Prom 2024 (this was on discord so no link for you) 

The Wedding - Joby Talbot (from the Penelope Soundtrack) 

oh bitch. I was obsessed with this plot from the jump. Horrible fact about me: You’ve Got Mail is a favorite movie of mine. SORRRYYYY it was just a staple in my household. So yeah, pen pals?????? One of my favorite tropes. Been ingrained into me since I was a child. So when they were going to meet at Prom I was like…………. Well now hold on a minute. Is this going to work out or what– and oop. sad as it was, it was a great read. plus getting to read the resulting after math of amity and giselle being in magnifico’s class and interacting there and giselle having a gay panic moment to herself is just, mwah. anywho, i was trying to think of what song could possibly encapture this moment. I was trying to think of a movie that captured a modern fairy tale vibes and penelope came to mind and i think this song has the same like, “i have such dread for what is about to happen,” that the audience has for these characters. and the overwhelming music of it all i think fits the fight that happened between these two, with giselle having pictured someone who wasn’t amity and then amity feeling betrayed by this refusal to be accepted by this person she thought she had already connected and been accepted by. and the build up to amity just shouting at giselle to gO. and while we didn’t necessarily see the direct aftermath of what the girlies were doing, like the quiet moment of amity being alone or giselle running off to the garden alone, the music slowing down and getting quieter could be those resulting scenes of them being apart and being like, “what just happened!!!”  

[first-and-last-neocount]

Soooo

I should absolutely be asleep right now, but I am not, because I got a late phone call from a friend and now I am absolutely pinging off the walls with excitement. I feel like I need to let some of it out if I’m going to have even a hope in hell of sleeping, so I’m going to just unload my thoughts here. 

Background context; I am in my later twenties and still live with my mother. This is a definite issue, but not for the reasons one might think. I love my mom to pieces and we get along fantastically, but due to financial constraints at the time that we bought our living accommodations, space is... tight. Real fucking tight. We downsized from our prior residence of a four-bedroom house into a 1400 sq ft condo, and we’ve never really managed to get comfortable jammed in here together; we’re both people who like having our creature comforts around, and we’re just impossibly squeezed in such a small space. 

A good friend of mine and his fiancée have been renting from a very decent landlord for a few years now, and the landlord is looking to move out and lease the whole place to my friend, giving them the opportunity to sublet as they see fit. The house is currently divided into four suites, two upstairs and two downstairs. My friend is planning on moving into the upstairs of the house with his fiancée and their kids, and making the bottom floor one space again instead of two suites, and is offering to rent the bottom floor to me for what is an insanely good deal for rent in my city. 

I can’t abandon my mother in the lurch and she can’t pay for our current place on her own; I have to crunch some numbers real fast and figure out if we can afford to add that rent to our current budget, because that’s the only way we can make it work. It might be just possible now that I’m at a job making more money, but it’s going to take some work to even figure out if it’s doable. The being responsible part can happen tomorrow though. 

Right now, I am fucking shaking with how much I want this. 

I’ve never lived on my own. I’ve never been able to truly sprawl out in a space, or decide what furniture went where, or just - fucking wander around at three in the morning to get a midnight snack if I want one. I’ve had my bedroom, and that’s it; everything beyond that bedroom door has always been shared space, set up the way my mother wanted it, more her space than mine because no matter how much she respects my autonomy the fact remains that she is my mother and that dynamic doesn’t just go away. 

It feels almost silly, because the things I’m thinking about are so mundane, but - I want to be able to decide what side of the sink the dish rack sits on. I want to hang my favourite painting on the wall across from my comfy chair so I can look at it all the time, even though it doesn’t properly center on that piece of wall and doesn’t complement the paint colour. I want to leave my slippers next to the front door so I can put them on first thing when I come home, because I won’t trip over them there because I know that’s where they are and there’s no one else that I have to worry about tripping. I want to leave my coffee cup in the sink when I go to work, because washing it when I get home is good enough damn it, and no one else needs to use the sink when I’m out. 

I want my own place. 

I want my own place so much that I haven’t let myself think about how badly I want it - I don’t let myself dwell on things that I can’t have, and for years that’s been on the list of just not happening, for a whole variety of reasons that I’m not comfortable divulging publicly. But now maybe, just maybe, it is possible... and I’m crying typing this out, because I feel like my chest is going to burst with how much I want this. 

I might delete this later, I almost certainly will if the math doesn’t work out. I just... I needed to put this into words and fling it out there into the world, if only for a moment. 

[adonis-koo]

Strictly Business

↳ Summary: When the price of your apartment shoots through the roof, you and your roommate become desperate for money and go to extreme measures to make it possible to afford living there. But it’s all strictly business in the end. Right?

↳ Genre: porn with some plot if you squint, it’s a pornstar AU essentially, sex worker au??? Roommates AU, it’s all platonic, or is it?

↳ Pairing: Jungkook/Reader

↳ Word Count: 13k

Tags: dom!kook, sex tapes obviously, dirty talk, pussy slapping, good girl!MC, sir kink, degradation, like if you aren’t into degradation just skip, vaginal fingering, size kink 😌, a little dumbfication, ruined orgasm, breath play, oral (m & f), sex toy, overstimulation, bondage, theres elements of BDSM but not hardcore,

Note: I never thought I’d write pwp ever but here we are you horndogs, I feel like this Oneshot probably deserves a part 2 tbh

“What!?” 

Jungkook cringed at your shouted words, you hadn’t meant to of course. Truth be told, you didn’t really know your roommate that well. But he was good in terms of keeping the apartment fairly clean, he was quiet, never brought any one night stands home. You did the same. But outside of talking over bills, a few mutual friends and occasionally watching a movie together you both didn’t really hang out much.

“...Look I know,” Jungkook sighed as he ran a hand through his hair, “They just spiked rent last month too…Maybe we should look for a different place?” He offered as you slumped on the couch. This place was perfect though, it was close to campus, close to your and his work and all while in range of plenty of fast food restaurants and the grocery store. You couldn’t get any better than this.

The apartment was already rather pricey when you and Jungkook found it, but you both made enough together that with that and making sure to grocery shop together it would be fine. But then your tenant had retired and gave his business over to his son who had spiked the rates last month and to be fair he warned he was doing a finalized rent this month but still…

Five hundred extra? How could you afford nine hundred rent a month when both you and Jungkook worked regular college level jobs? 

“I’m sure we could but…” you frowned as you fumbled with your fingers, “It won’t be nearly as close to campus or work…” 

Jungkook didn’t like the idea anymore then you but...what other options were there? He sighed as he ran a hand through his hair, “Well let’s not worry about it tonight. I’ll start looking for other places. Who knows, maybe we can find somewhere better.” He offered you a tiny smile that you weakly returned before sighing, lips quivering before you stood up, running a hand through your hair before going back to your room, looking rather upset.

Jungkook frowned before sighing as his gaze lingered in your direction before making his way to his room. Jungkook began his search for different apartments but much to his irrigation everything was either the same price which neither of you could afford or it was nearly a half hour drive to uni. 

It was well into the early morning until Jungkook eventually gave up all together, to make matters go from bad to worst he inhaled sharply in annoyance at the strained feeling of his cock strapped inside the confines of his jeans he had yet to change out of. Seriously? He looked down at the bulge in his pants that decided to greet him at nearly twelve at night.

He looked back at the house listing before back at his pants he clacked his tongue exiting out of the page, seeing as he obviously wasn’t going to find any apartment options tonight and he had a raging boner he knew he could at least fix one of these things.

Kicking off his jeans he sighed in relief before typing away on his computer, putting on his headphones as he eagerly scrolled through Playhub.

Instead of finding a good video to jerk off too he paused at the side bar that usually held porn ads, instead it was advertisement for working on playhub...Jungkook gritted his teeth together, ignoring his hardened cock that was throbbing in need to be touched as he clicked on the ad...Maybe this night wasn’t such a bust…

Should he tell you? He felt nervous as you finished up drinking your smoothie, you were getting ready for work this morning, your hair tied up and you still looked pretty tired. Jungkook felt himself gulp, staring without even realizing it. But the longer he stared the more he felt his ears burning, sure he thought you were pretty when he first met you but…

“Are you okay?” He jumped at your soft voice, tilting your head a little as you glanced at your roommate, feeling slightly odd given he was usually still in bed or was already on his way to work, or even class. It was rare you shared breakfast together. Jungkook swallowed thickly as he rapidly shook his head without even meaning too. He was trying to get the courage to bring up his solution to you.

“Y-yeah I’m good!” Jungkook flashed you a strained smile but he was positive his cheeks were flushed. You pressed your lips together but said no more as you glanced back down at your phone. Jungkook could feel himself slump a little, he usually wasn’t this nervous around girls, god he felt like he was in middle school again. 

But again, he had never thought of you in this way before...I mean sure...Jungkook was a man, he had thought about it a time or two in passing thought. But he had never extensively thought about it. About you. About having sex with you. And it was frighteningly arousing, he wouldn’t lie. Had he always been so blind to how tight your sleep shorts were? Or how short they really were and how they strapped against your ass? 

Or the way you’d flash him timid sweet smiles when you’d pass one another in the house. Jungkook was thinking with his hormones now. But still...if he was going to do this, he wouldn’t want anyone else to be his partner going into it. 

Before he knew it his opportunity was gone as you left the table making him groan in defeat. To be fair it wasn’t exactly an easy question; ‘Hey would you consider making porn with me since we’re desperate to pay rent and can’t afford to stay anywhere else?’

Because that conversation could go well...Jungkook didn’t even know your favorite color, how the fuck was he supposed to go about this? He nibbled against his lower lip as he sunk in his seat, this was going to be more challenging then he anticipated…

Jungkook has spent most of his day at work mopping around and fretting about how bad your reaction could be, the worst would be making things awkward but...that wasn’t going to solve anything and this was a solution...sorta...It could also flop but this could work! Jungkook knows it can! 

He continued to affirm himself the whole day and even when he got off shift at nine o’clock at night and headed home. Yes! He’d go and he’d ask you if you were willing to do this because you both needed rent money by the 29th and that wasn’t going to happen unless you did something this something just so happened to be porn…

Jungkook gulped a little as he took his shoes off at the entrance before headed inside, making himself some cup noodles as he tried to calm himself. 

What Jungkook didn’t expect was for you to come out of your room, sweatpants hiding the nice sight of your thighs but the tank top was loose and low enough to spot the lacy bralette you sported that Jungkook never looked twice at until now. God he felt like a total pervert! He could already feel his ears turning red as he hurriedly slurped his noodles trying to ignore your figure the way you bent down to grab juice from the fridge.

You were about to leave when Jungkook jumped the opportunity, “Um-! Y/n!” He almost yelped, wincing at his tone. God why did he sounded like he was going through puberty again.

Usually when Jungkook wanted to get with a girl he was a lot more subtle, a few smirks here and there, some playful flirting. Smooth. So why wasn’t he being smooth? Probably because this wasn’t exactly what one would consider a one night stand…

You turned around as you tilted your head, giving him your full attention as you asked, “Yeah?” Jungkook felt himself freeze before he forced a cough from his lips. You could tell he had been acting up since this morning and for some reason it put you on edge...did he not want to be roommates anymore? Was something wrong?

Noting he hadn’t said anything yet you took the opportunity to sit down across from him as you raised your brows.

“I...um…” Jungkook sucked in a breath of air, calming himself down, “So...I found a way that could help us get rent….”

Jungkook felt bad at watching the way your eyes lit up in excitement as you bounced in your seat a little, clapping your hands as you asked, “What? Really!? What is it? I'd hate for us to have to move somewhere else…” Of course this little nerd Jeon Jungkook found a way for you both to get side cash! God you may not have been close to him but he really was a genius! 

Oddly enough Jungkook didn’t seem to share your sentiment as he dropped his gaze, looking somewhat ashamed which made your brows furrow. 

That was weird…”Well...here’s the thing…” he gave you a funny smile as he rubbed the back of your neck, “...Did you know Playhub pays users who put up content.” Jungkook wasn’t even sure how he managed to get those words out but he could tell that was the last thing you expected him to say.

It looked like your brain was frozen for a good few minutes before as you opened and closed your mouth several times...He did not just say what you think you heard him say…”You’re...you’re joking...right?” You forced a smile on your lips, feeling like something was caught in your throat as you forced a laugh despite your face suddenly feeling hot.

Jungkook sunk into his seat a little which only confirmed he wasn’t joking about this, he ran a hand through his hair as he looked away apprehensively, “I understand if you don’t want to do it but…! Just give it a thought-“ 

“Jungkook that’s insane! Who would sell porn?” 

“I would,” Jungkook replied somewhat defensively before he realized what he said, his ears burning as your jaw dropped a little and your brows rose, “...If I’m desperate enough and I’m pretty desperate right now Y/n...I’ve already checked for different apartments but anything in a half hour radius is around nine hundred as well and unless you wanna find two other housemates in the next two weeks we’re gonna be living in your car.” 

Jungkook’s brows were pinched and you wanted to whine at how serious his expression was. Porn? Together….Seriously? Just the idea was making you flush. You wouldn’t lie, Jungkook was an attractive guy, extremely attractive guy, you’d be dumb to not acknowledge that. Or the fact that you had a tiny crush on him when you first moved in together. But eventually you got over it, that didn’t erase the fact that it was once there though! If you slept with him...Dear god…that only crossed your mind when you were desperate while masturbating…

“Oh my god…” you sighed as you pressed your hands to your face.

“Like I said!” Jungkook replied hurriedly, “You don’t have to do it if you don’t feel comfortable but...we should start sending out advertisements for other roommates soon.”

Porn...Together…

You melted into your chair feeling somewhat embarrassed by the idea, what if somebody you knew stumbled across a video or what if your work found out…? “I…” You pressed your lips together before rubbing your temple, “Can I at least think it over tonight…?”

Jungkook’s lips parted, you...you were actually considering? Jungkook felt his face burn as he nodded rapidly, “Of course! Yeah! Just let me know in the morning.” Holy shit you were considering!

Holy shit, you were actually considering this…

But Jungkook had a point, you were kind of desperate as well...You really loved this apartment and you didn’t want to give it up…

It was nearly seven in the morning and you had a horrible time sleeping last night, there were too many thoughts in your mind that kept you awake. If you were to do this then...you’d have to lay out a lot of ground rules and would have to talk a lot of things over…

That’s how you found yourself sitting on the couch with Jungkook both of you sitting on the opposite end turned to face one another, “...How do we even do this? Setting up an account?” You flushed as you asked, hugging the couch pillow against your chest.

Jungkook was still waking up, steam wafting from the cup of coffee he had as he took a sip, oddly not looking as flustered as he did the day before, “Well first off we’d make an account then we’d apply for their amateur program, they’ll have an admin verify us and we’d go from there.”  You pressed your lips together as you nodded, “If we do this,” Jungkook continued carefully, “We should stop by the bank and set up a joint account so we can both access the account we use for this.” 

That was definitely agreed and the smartest decision, that way there was no fighting or over spending any money you’d make on this...God you were actually considering this, “That's if you actually wanna do this though.” Jungkook finished as he took another sip of coffee, his expression neutral but the way he eyed you made your face feel hot again.

Sighing you pressed your hand to your face, what was the worst that could happen? You bang your roommate and this flops and then you go on with your life pretending it never happened? “Ah fuck it. We need money, and now.” Jungkook looked a little surprised by your words making you more flustered, “What!? Do you want me to say no!?” 

“No…! Well...Yeah, if you really don’t want to sleep with me…” Jungkook looked a little awkward as he rubbed his head, he wouldn’t lie, his pride would be a little hurt if you didn’t but he handled rejection all throughout his school years, he had survived before and could do so again.

“Do you wanna sleep with me?” You countered cautiously as you both awkwardly looked at one another.

Jungkook felt as if he’d break out in nervous sweat any moment, “...Yes…?” It was posed more like a question than an answer as you groaned making him rush, “It wouldn’t be a bad thing! I think your um-! I think you're pretty and I wouldn’t mind- I’m just gonna shut up. Let’s talk

sex, condoms or pill?” You looked at him bewildered as he scratched his cheek before murmuring, “Most people find it hot when it’s raw...we should discuss all of this before we do anything at all.” 

It was embarrassing though! You groaned as you shoved your face into your pillow, this was going to be a long conversation, “Condoms. I don’t have a reason to be on birth control but I mean…” You weren’t a stranger to Pornhub you knew most people went raw on there but…”Actually- before we even discuss condomless we should both get checked out. If you have STDs this plan isn’t going to work. We can talk about birth control afterward.” You’d be willing to go on pill but you wanted to make sure both of you were clean before you do anything else.

Jungkook nodded, “Alright fair enough- I don’t have STDs by the way,” He watched a smile tug on your lips for the first time all morning, yeah...this could definitely work, “You know I already have a good camera so we don’t have to worry about that. No faces though?” 

You immediately nodded, feeling a little better at the idea of keeping your face out of any kind of porn just to make yourself feel better, “Yeah definitely….And I guess we should probably talk about Uh…” you coughed a little, “...Kinks and stuff…For entertainment purposes.”

“Are you vanilla?” Jungkook immediately quizzed, making your gaze dart away from him, suddenly becoming mute, “Because we can keep it vanilla if that’s what you want.” He really was a sweetheart, not just like this but his whole personality. He was always thinking about others.

You rubbed your head as you sighed, forcing yourself to speak, “I uh...Not really…” you offered him a weak smile when you noticed he seemed confused.

You...you weren’t into vanilla? Jungkook didn’t want to say he assumed your tastes but well...he did a little, you were considerably quiet and timid, only open with your friends but over all a kind and sweet person. Jungkook figured girls like you probably liked something slow and sentimental. And there was nothing wrong with that! 

“And even if I was vanilla it wouldn't get views. Just throw me around and shit.” You laughed at the way Jungkook choked on his coffee, coughing as he pressed a hand on his chest, “Degradation, pain, bondage, all that stuff. Unless…! You’re not into that…” What surge of confidence you had suddenly wilted at the idea of Jungkook not being into these things.

Rather it was the opposite, the more you spoke the more aroused Jungkook felt, “...Are you saying you’re a submissive?” Jungkook could feel his cock throb in excitement. Sure he could find people who liked rough sex but not everyone was a submissive and the idea that he had been living with one for a year and a half was driving him up the wall. 

“Are you saying you’re a dominant?” You suddenly felt nervous at the idea, you could label yourself a sub but you had never actually been with a dominant before. Sure you had a great time with plenty of people but...The air in the room shifted a little, Jungkooks gaze a little more sultry then before, those usually innocent doe eyes looked lidded in the moment and the air around him suddenly looked a thousand times more confident as he gave a nod with a shrug, “Yeah, I am.” 

You wanted to screech at his words, his voice sounding a tone deeper than before.

Three words and it felt like you were squirming, of course he was dominant! Of course! You should’ve known! “So does that mean you like getting thrown around and shit?” Jungkook tucked his tongue into his cheek before offering a cocky smile that made him look a little more predatory than you were used to, he didn’t make a move to get closer to you but your body felt hotter then you remembered.

You managed a stiff nod, refusing to meet his gaze anymore and you were sure you looked embarrassed, you had to…You had never met someone that considered themselves formally a dominant but the energy just continued to ooze from Jungkook. 

“Oh? What about overstimulated,” Nod, “Toys?” Nod, “What about title kinks? I prefer to be addressed as Sir.” Jungkook wasn’t even hiding his arousal or interest anymore. His pupils looked dilated and he was licking lips at the way you squirmed in your seat, lips tugging into a pout and you refused to look at him anymore. Cute. 

“Sir is fine.” You mumbled as you rubbed your hand against your cheek, trying to stop your thighs from rubbing together in excitement. Maybe this wasn’t a terrible idea as you thought…

Finding out that you and Jungkook were both sexually compatible seemed to really fast track your progress. You both went out the same day, opened a joint account together, you went to get tested and meanwhile bought birth control for you to start taking. Things seemed to be going well the last few days but you couldn’t help but feel nervous, the 29th would be arriving soon and if this flopped you’d either be cramming two extra people in the apartment or you’d be sleeping in by the back of your car. 

“Well I don’t know, I guess we’ll just have to play around with camera positions,” Jungkook frowned, messing with his tripod as you laid on his bed so he could try to frame it without your face in the shot, “I think this should work.” He seemed satisfied with his work as he leaned back on his hands as he sighed in contentment. 

“Have you heard back from them yet?” You glanced up at Jungkook as he frowned, shaking his head. You had created a pornhub profile together the same day you agreed to do this and you had yet to hear back about getting verified. But a part of you wondered if you’d have to build a following first. God this sounded time consuming…

“Hey, come on it’ll be fine.” It was like Jungkook could sense your nervous energy as you sighed, rolling into your stomach as you buried into his pillow, “If the video does well we’ll still get a cut regardless of verified or not. Verified probably just means more exposure.” 

The bed dipped a little as Jungkook sat on the edge as you sighed, mumbling into the pillow, “If it does well. Pornhub is like any other platform, there’s millions of videos on there. What’s one more have to offer?” It was true, the likelihood that this was going to work was….not high.

Jungkook frowned as he shrugged, he had been the more optimistic one about this then you and he’d continue to do so, “Well maybe…” You could hear the hesitation in his voice as you glanced up at him in front of your slumped position, his eyes a little nervous as he shrugged, “Maybe we should try a practice run.” 

You could immediately feel your face become hot at his words, there wasn’t any reason why you couldn’t. You got your test results back and you were both clean of STDs and you had been making sure to take birth control every day for the past four days and today as well, “Maybe we should…” you mumbled letting your face press against the pillow once more. The fact was nobody was going to watch to two awkward college kids act like they were virgins, you needed to have confidence in having sex with Jungkook and vice versa, right now that wasn’t looking too hot, “We can’t make anything decent until we’re used to banging each other.” 

You could hear Jungkook laugh a little, sounding a little less nervous as you felt the bed shift again, a hand hesitantly rolling your over into your back to look up at him, his cheeks were pink despite hovering on top of you, “I think we could make something decent right now.” Jungkook offered a little smirk as you glanced at the camera, realizing the screen had been flipped and record was on making your ears burn as you squirmed beneath him a little, “We’ll take it slow.” Jungkook was going to be the dominant in this scenario so he felt obligated to be the one to lead you through this despite not being experienced himself.

“Listen...ah...If you wanna stop at any time just tell me okay? Remember, we’re just getting used to one another.” 

You swallowed thickly despite looking away from him, feeling too embarrassed to look at him directly, “Same applies, if you wanna stop then we do.” Jungkook felt reassured as his lips quirked into a little smile, but admittedly all business aside, he was aroused by the sight of you beneath him. Jungkook was eager to get you naked and soaking wet beneath him, he had a lot of things he wanted to experiment with today and he had the feeling you’d be a good girl and let him.

Your breath hitches a little at his hands immediately pushing your top over your head, you felt semi embarrassed you weren’t wearing any sort of lingerie, just your usual bralette and panties that weren’t even matching but Jungkook didn’t even seem to mind as he quickly undid your bra. 

Your first instinct was to shy away from him attempting to cover yourself but shockingly Jungkook’s hands were faster, “Dont.” His voice was husky and deeper as he spoke causing your core to ache with a gush of arousal, “Let’s make one thing clear,” Jungkook let his lips press against your ear as he purred lowly, “I’m the dominant here. So be a good little girl and obey.” He growled lowly keeping your arms pinned to the bed as his mouth dragged down your neck, a whine suddenly escaping you at the feeling of his mouth capturing your sensitive nipple between his lips. Suckling it as a soft moan escaped you, your back arching a little to try for a little more friction.

Your panties were practically soaking and you hadn’t even started yet, Jungkook held your wrists over your hand with one hand and the other squeezed against your waist before petting down to your hip, his lips suckling against your tits before you squeaked at the feeling of his hand cupping your cunt, “Fuck,” Jungkook grunted at the feeling of your hips immediately thrusting into his hand for friction, “So fucking needy.” He growled against your skin, letting go of your wrists to tug his shirt over his head, “Should’ve known your little ass was a good girl,” He cooed snidely, a sharp sting against your pussy as he spanked it making you moan louder then you wanted too as he his smirk widened, “What a cute little sub.” You whined as you felt a sharp slap against your clothed clit, throbbing in excitement as pain flushed against it. 

“Sir! Please.” You hadn’t even consciously realized what you said but it made Jungkook’s muscle tense and a growl to suddenly escaping him at being formally addressed. His cock suddenly throbbing in need as he bit against your skin, “Please what? You desperate whore.” He wanted to hear you say it, to listen to that sweet little voice beg to be fucked. How could Jungkook life with you for this long and never think about how nice and wet your little cunt was?

“Ah!” Your hips bucked at the harsh slap against your clit, pleasure making you whine and squirm as you fumbled, “Please! Please sir!” Jungkook gritted his teeth as he roughly cupped your cunt, massaging against it as your panties soaked with arousal.

“Answer my fucking question,” Jungkook growled against your ear lowly, his thumb pressing against your covered clit harshly, your loud surprised squeak like music to his ears, “What do you want? What do you think you deserve? Hm?” 

Jungkook wanted to moan at just the sight of your fucked out submissive face as your hips kept needily grinding against his hand, “Tongue! Sir! Please! Want fingers! Anything!” Your eyes squeezed shut as you whined feeling his fingers pinch your clit, “Ah Sir…!” Jungkook was already stuffing his hand down your panties his long thick fingers dragging over your soaked cunt before pushing a single digit inside you, your lips immediately parting and your little hole clenching around him with a whine.

“Is this what my little slut wants?” Jungkook cooed out mockingly, a wicked smirk on his face as your eyes met, your expression twisted between shy and needy as various whines escaped you as his finger roughly hitting up against your g-spot, “Fuck you’re so tiny baby, I don’t think you can take my cock. It’ll split you right in half.” Just to emphasize Jungkook squeezed another finger inside you making your body jolt and walls clamp with a loud cry as your hips began to fuck yourself with them.

Jungkook paused his movements just to watch your hips buck up against him, your tiny walls squeezing so tight and snug around his fingers that covered in your arousal, “Do you like fucking yourself with my fingers you desperate little whore?” Jungkook growled with lidded eyes, watching your tits bounce with each thrust of your body and your little squeaked moans. 

“Y-yes! Mm love it!” Jungkook licked his lips at the feeling of your walls squeezing as you whimpered, “Ah! F-feels good! Sir, cum! Want cum!” Your body withered due to edging yourself with his fingers that teasingly brushed up against your g-spot each time. Jungkook shoved his fingers inside you all the way causing you to whine as you scrambled to frantically fuck his fingers making him growl, his non working hand finally releasing your wrists only to grab your hips with a sneer, “Be still you needy bitch.” 

You whimpered but stayed still obediently as he used his free hand to peel off your panties, a low moan escaping him and his cock was pressed thick and bulging against his sweatpants at the sight of such a pretty wet cunt stuffed full of his fingers. Your legs immediately spread as your hips couldn’t resist rolling into him, having full motion to feel his fingers drag against your g-spot as you cried out with a moan, “I said stay fucking still,” Jungkook snapped, his hand spanking harshly against your thigh making you jump with a cry, body squirming against his fingers as he shoved them back deep inside you, “You like getting fucked by my fingers? Say it. Say how much you don’t fucking deserve it.” Jungkook demanded, he shifted your body slightly more towards the camera as he kept your legs spread, in perfect few for watching you get stuffed with his fingers, “Say it.” Jungkook snapped, his fingers roughly thrusting inside you causing a loud moan as his jammed his fingers up into your g-spot pleasure was rapidly blossoming in your body as you cried.

“I-I don’t deserve it! I’m a dumb needy slut that doesn’t deserve your fingers Sir! Ah! I’m worthless and shouldn’t be allowed to cum! Sir please…!” Your body was withering as his fingers pounded into you, his thumb skillfully rubbing circles into your clit as your walls rapidly clenched and relaxed, “Sir!” 

“That’s right,” Jungkook growled his fingers harshly rutting up into your g-spot sloppily and his thumb rubbing into your clit as he snarled, “You don’t deserve it you worthless cumdumpster.” Your body was so close, Jungkook could feel it, you were squirming and mornings hotly escaped you before a loud cry left your lips the glorious feeling of his fingers escaping you just at the edge of your orgasm, a sob escaping your lips as your body began to tremble. 

“Sir please! Please! Let me cum! Sir!” You sobbed with blurry eyes as you glanced up at Jungkook’s dark daunting figure, his fingers in his mouth as he licked them clean, as if he didn’t so much as care about your sobbing figure that trembled beneath him. 

His hand suddenly wrapped around your throat with a harsh squeeze, “Shut up you pathetic bitch. You said it yourself, you don’t deserve to cum,” Jungkook gave you a lopsided smile, “But if you really think you deserve to cum get on your knees.” He growled, getting off of you as he pulled his shirt over his head. Your mouth was watering at just the sight of his body, thick and taunt muscles all up and down his arms, his sweat pants hung low enough to show off his v line and you could even see the distinct display of abs when he crunched slightly before sitting with his feet on the ground at the edge of the bed, right in front of the camera. 

You scrambled to get off the bed, kneeling down between his parted legs as you folded your hands glancing up at him for direction, Jungkook snorted as his hand came to touch your hair a pleasant noise escaping you as his hand stroked down to your cheek.

A harsh smack against the same skin he previously brushed as you jumped with a whine, your cheek flushing with a delicious sting of pain as Jungkook gritted his teeth, “Don’t sit still and look pretty baby take out my cock.” Obediently you fumbled with his waist band before tugging it down. Pausing for a moment as his cock bounced and laid against his abdominal, he was so thick, perhaps not the longest you had seen but certainly not the shortest either. His head was bulbous and round weeping with precum. You didn’t stare for long, wanting to cum more than anything as you let your lips get to work.

Gently licking the precum off his head as you heard a moan of approval from him, delicately you let your tongue press against the base of his cock, squeezing his balls as you let your tongue work it’s way up his cock, another moan escaping his lips as he growled, “I said suck baby not tease.” 

Whining a little you huffed, gripping his cock a little tighter then necessary earning a grunt from him before you obediently parted your lips, slowly taking his thick tip into your mouth as you heard a sigh of relief from him. Your hands tugged against his base as you let your head bob against his tip, letting your tongue messily rub into his slit causing his hips to buck a little, “Fuuck, guess that bitchy little mouth is useful for something.” Jungkook moaned, pride swelling in your chest at making him feel so good, a whine suddenly escaped you at his hand tangling in your hair, pushing you to take more of his cock. You obediently let him, taking more of him into your mouth but not without a vibrated whine. 

Jungkook began to guide your movement with his hand into a slow bob as he moaned, pushing you to take further of him as his cock hit the back of your throat. 

Pausing a moment Jungkook moaned, “Can you deepthroat sweetheart? Fuuck.” He’s brows scrunched together as he glanced down, another breathy moan escaped him at the sight of your watery eyes glancing up at him a small nod making him moan again as he regripped your hair, somewhat more tender this time as he guided your mouth down his cock. Your throat burned and your jaw ached as you felt tears begin to well in your eyes as you hollowed your cheeks and let his shaft slide further into your mouth.

“Mmm shit, good girl,”Jungkook moaned his hips lifting a little as his hand tangled in your hair, his hand eagerly encouraging your head as you whined, letting your head bob against his thick shaft, gagging a little as his hand pushed you further down until your nose was pressed against his pubic bone, “You take me so well baby fuck.” Jungkook moaned lowly, his hand yanking your hair making you muffle a cry against his cock as he sloppily made you bob your head, saliva dripping down your chin and tears beginning to trickle down your cheeks as you gagged.

A loud moan escaped Jungkook at the feeling of your throat squeeze around him, “Fuck baby. That’s it. Good girl.” Your head was becoming light as you continued gagging on his cock, your nails digging into his thighs pleasantly and you could feel his cock throb and his hips lift. 

Jungkook harshly pulled you up from his bobbing cock that looked ready to cum from even the slightest contact, “What a good girl,” Jungkook rasped, cupping your cheek as he thumbed away the tears that trailed your cheeks, “C’mere.” 

You squeaked as Jungkook grabbed you, pull you up into his lap before shifting you onto the bed, your body trembled in excitement as Jungkook placed you on all fours, suddenly shoving your back against the bed and your face on the mattress as you whined, your ass presented for him as he moaned, “Such a good fucking girl. I should’ve fucked you sooner then this if I knew what a good little slut you were.” Jungkook let the tip of his cock sink inside you as let out a muffled moan, even being stretched wasn’t enough to prepare for his girthy cock.

Jungkook grunted was he pushed further inside you until his hips met yours, your walls squeezed snug around him but took him well as he moaned, “Fuck baby.” It’s all he said before he suddenly slammed into the bed, your weight completely thrown off and you had no choice but to let your face bury against the bed as you let out moan after moan, your walls excitedly clenching around him as he thrusted roughly inside you. Just hearing his balls slap against your skin, his cock splitting you open as he moaned, “Who knew my little slut would be so tiny. I’m gonna fucking break you baby, you want that?” 

Jungkook leaned down as his hips roughly rolled yours, his hand wrapping around your throat making you wheeze before you could even answer.

“Hnngh! S-sir! Sir!” You could hardly even speak when Jungkook roughly squeezed your neck once more, your walls clenching around him in excitement as his cock rubbed into your g-spot pleasantly, “Fuck me please. Harder. Ah! Harder!” You whined, needing friction desperately.

Your wish was his command and it even fully expecting it Jungkook’s hips became sharper and faster with each thrust, “This what you want baby? You wanna be my little fuck doll now?” Jungkook growled in your ear, his hand squeezing around your throat once more making you moan as your upper body completely collapsed, letting Jungkook pound into your cunt as he moaned, “Thats it fucking take it you worthless bitch. Are you gonna cum all over my dick?” 

Jungkook let go of your throat in trade for your clit, his thumb rubbing against your sensitive bud making you cry out, walls rapidly clenching around him as his cock slammed into your g-spot, your body withering at such an intense speed you weren’t sure you could stop yourself from cumming, “Ah! Sir! Sir! Ah!” Your walls were rapidly squeezing around his cock as your face scrunched, a loud muffled scream escaping you at your orgasm that snapped.

“Mmm fuck that’s it. Good girl.” Jungkook growled as his hips rolled into yours, letting himself sink inside your body milked his cock. His hands squeezing tightly against your waist as he moaned, hot cum shooting inside you as his hips grinded against yours, coaxing a few more spits of cum as he moaned. Your body trembling and exhaustion setting in as Jungkook inhaled sharply, his cock beginning to soften inside you before he pulled out. 

Your body slumped as you felt the bed shift his weight no longer on the bed. You glanced his way only to realize he turned off the camera before laying back down, collapsing on top of you as you whined a little. It was quiet as he pressed his face into your shoulder as he sighed, “Well, at least we don’t act like virgins.”

“I’m glad that’s what you took away from that.” You huffed, you could hear a muffled laugh from Jungkook making a smile tug on your lips as well, he certainly wasn’t wrong.

“Fuck me please. Harder. Ah! Harder!”

That...was you…? You couldn’t help but cringe, you couldn’t even stand your own voice let alone making a whole porno, Jungkook’s eyes weren’t trained on your sinful words or even your sloppy body movements in sync. He was too into his videographer self to care about the actual content.

“At least I sound like a pornstar.” You wrinkled your nose as you looked over his shoulder. This seemed to pull Jungkook out of his thoughts as he snorted, a smile tugging on his lips as he glanced up at you with a shrug.

“I don’t think it’s bad honestly, I mean I think we’re past TMI at this point so truthfully? Out of all the home made porn I’ve watched this is pretty good. We have nice camera angles, microphones make the sound high quality-“

“Oh yes,” you replied sarcastically, “Just what I wanna hear- your balls slapping me at the speed of light.” That earned a rather proud look from Jungkook as you huffed, looking away from him.

“I think we should post it, just to test the waters. I cut out any clips of our faces, we could still use a little work on making sure to not show our faces with our angles but I think that will take time.”

You frowned a little as you wrapped your arms around yourself, suddenly feeling unsure if this was a good idea, “...You really think it’s that good?”

Jungkook raised his brows as he turned his chair around to look at you, sensing the shift in your demeanor as he relied, “Well we don’t have too if you don’t feel comfortable with it,” he offered a small smile, “But personally? I don’t see why not. And if it doesn’t take, we can always make more, feel out what people enjoy watching more.”

In most cases you would’ve said you didn’t feel comfortable with this, with the idea of strangers on the internet masturbauting to your private sex life but...there was something so sincere and comforting in Jungkook’s eyes, maybe it was just the dom in him wanting to prioritize your comfort over anything else. You weren’t sure, but it was that look that made it okay, “Alright, what the hell.” You sighed, “I didn’t let you blow my back out for no reason.” 

Jungkook snorted as he turned his chair around, “Maybe it’s just me but I felt you clenching around me hard when you came all over my-“

“Shut up! Just because you fuck me doesn’t mean you can go into graphic detail about it! Jesus Christ!” You covered your ears, feeling hot all of sudden as you glared are Jungkook’s dumb coconut hair, though you couldn’t see his face fully you were positive there was a dumb little smirk on his lips as he hummed. God what did you get yourself into? 

You had a hard time going to bed that night, rolling around as you briefly wondered the what if, what if it was an overnight sensation? What if someone you knew recognized it was you? What if...god you’d never show your face at campus again…

“Well?” You hadn’t gotten a blink of sleep as you bounced behind Jungkook who hummed, logging in as he yawned.

“It got ten views.” Jungkook clacked his tongue before shrugging, “But I mean hey! We got two dollars!” You deflated as you smacked your forehead. That would be great if your rent was only two dollars higher rather than two hundred!

“Hey remember what I said,” Jungkook rubbed his eyes as he offered a sleepy smile, “We can always try different things, the more we post the more a viewership will build. Overnight sensations never happen anyways.” He seemed more relaxed about this then you. Sighing you collapsed on his bed as you curled up, “Well what do you propose we try next?” 

Jungkook gave it some thought as he spun his chair around to face you before shrugging, “I don’t know...I mean, not to sound sexist or anything but I think we both know pornhub is pretty male dominated in viewership…” he offered a weak smile as you shrugged, “So...I don’t know, how would you feel about forced orgasms and bondage.” 

Your head shot up to look at Jungkook’s pink cheeks as he gave a sheepish smile, choosing to not look at you as he rubbed his neck, “That took a sharp turn real fast...Maybe you shouldn’t be so vague though, a lot could happen during a scene like that.” It never failed to amuse you the way Jungkook would straighten up at the sight of your interest.

“Well, do you have any toys?” Jungkook asked as you gave him a face, “Oh come on, I won’t judge you,” he curved a brow as he gave a cocky smile, “It’s not like I haven’t blown your back out already. Do you even own any toys?” He decided to take on a new tactic as he held challenging mock in his tone, “Or were you just in that big of a drought-“

“Okay you asshole!” You glared at him as he gave a cheeky smile, “Yes I have a one. Just a bullet vibrator. Do you even own any bondage gear?” You curved a brow as he parted his lips, brows pinched almost in defense but no words escaped him.

Sighing Jungkook dropped his head in defeat, “No...but I bet we could prime some!” He suddenly jumped back up as you buried your hands against your face, “Hey I can’t help it! Most girls usually get freaked out when I try and start tying them up, I figured I’d just get proper bondage when I found someone to do it with.” 

“Oh great.” You muttered under your breath as you curled up, “Glad I could offer the opportunity.” To that Jungkook gave an endearing smile. What had you gotten yourself into? 

Despite the bondage handcuffs only taking two days to arrive, each day that passed made you more anxious, you really didn’t have a lot of time to be wasting. You and Jungkook and respectively kept your hands to yourselves meanwhile, but had discussed plenty of things, mainly camera angles, future ideas. Jungkook was sure this would work and hey, if he had that kind of faith, the very least you could do was admire it.

“You wanna use any safe words or?” Jungkook was currently straddling on top of you as he grabbed the cuffs that were laying beside you. They were leather, or faux leather- not the most comfortable feeling but durable for the next fifteen minutes.

You frowned before shrugging, “Why don’t we just use traffic lights?” It was fairly common in BDSM, “Unless you forget to check in…” you squinted a little suspiciously as Jungkook snorted, looking somewhat offended at your words.

“I always check in on my partners thank you very much-and yes that’s fine. Alright top off,” He gestured at your oversized sweatshirt, you glanced away from him as you shuffled a little, hearing him sigh as he spoke up, “It’s not like I haven’t seen boobs before- especially yours.” You scowled at him, “It doesn’t make it any less embarrassing!”

Jungkook’s nose scrunched, “How's it embarrassing?” He tilted his head looking oddly innocent despite having a vibratior laying next to him and a pair of handcuffs in his hands.

“Just take it off for me!” You blurted out before realizing what you just said, swallowing thickly before whining a little at the noise he made of contentment.

“All you had to do was ask, princess.” Jungkook’s hands were already pushing under your sweatshirt before pulling it over your head, “Awwh you were ready for me? Not even wearing anything underneath.” Jungkook was obviously setting the mood now despite the camera not being on, or maybe he was getting into his dominant head space, whatever it was it was working wonders on you.

Jungkook grabbed your hands before putting them above your head as you whined a little, “...maybe…” you squeezed your legs together in excitement, you had never had a partner use any toys on you before and, you couldn’t help but wonder how many times you’d cum in this session. Jungkook had already proven himself good in bed just by making you cum all over his dick.

You had discussed the scene in further detail yesterday, Jungkook had asked if it was okay to use fingers and tongue as well spanking and- you had embarrassingly said yes a little too fast, fast as in before he could even finish his sentence...you felt warm at just the memory or maybe it was from your binds being tightened as Jungkook hovered over you, “Is that good princess?” He whispered in your ear, you could feel the smirk coiling on his lips as you shifted.

Your thighs rubbed together and you had come prepared today in pink lacy panties that were undoubtedly wet now, “Yes...sir.” You mumbled as you heard his deep chuckle against the shell of your ear.

Sitting up right Jungkook licked his lips as his eyes slowly raked from your face, to your lips, all the way down to your chest were your nipples hardened against the cool air of the room, “Always so obedient.” He hummed as he say off of you, parting your legs a little so he could sit in between them as he asked, “Are you excited? Your clits gonna be numb by the time I’m finished.” His smile was cocky and arrogant, long gone was the sweet room mate you knew.

You wiggled your arms against your restraints as you whined a little, Jungkook’s body straightened a little before he pressed play on the camera which was held in a tripod at the edge of the bed right where you were placed.

He said it would...be perfect to see everything. 

His hands placed against your thighs as he chuckled once more, “You’re so squirmy, are you excited to cum princess?” Your thighs were practically shaking in excitement and if your face was anything to go by the answer was obvious.

You nodded frantically, opening your legs a little more for him as he clacked his tongue, “I can’t hear you princess.” 

“Please!” You immediately whined, a small smirk tugging on his lips as you continued, “I’ll be a good girl! I’ll cum when you want…!” Jungkook hummed as he pushes up the small skirt you were wearing, letting his fingers stroke against the lace as you jumped a little, trying to keep yourself from bucking against him.

“I’ll hold you to those words, little girl.” Jungkook gave you a sadistic grin and briefly, you realized he was right. Your clit wasn’t going to survive this, “I’m gonna edge this little clit of yours until you’re begging to cum. But you aren’t going to do a thing until I say so. Understand?” 

He picked up the small bullet vibrator, usually you were excited when you heard the buzz of it coming to life, today however, you knew was going to be rough, “Yes sir.” You mumbled as he pulled down your panties, tossing them to the side as he pushed your skirt up, opening your legs as he moaned a little.

“Look at you, all wet and excited at the idea of this. You know what princess,” You jumped a little at the vibrator dragging along your inner thigh, “I think you’re looking forward to this. I think you’re excited to be edged until you’re crying. Isn’t that right princess? Are you gonna be a good girl and listen to me?” 

You nodded frantically as you squirmed at the vibrator getting closer to your throbbing cunt, arousal was gushing from your entrance as Jungkook dragged a finger up your slit, inspecting his glossy finger pad before letting it drag over his tongue, a devilish smirk on his lips as you whimpered are the vibrator pushing against your entrance, “So wet baby, I could just push it right in.” 

He pushed the tip inside you, the thrum of vibrators making you squeak a whine as you tries to instinctively close your legs, Jungkook immediately stopped you, forcing your legs back open as he chuckled, pushing it a little further inside as you clenched around the small pulsing toy, “Sir! Please! Please!” You whimpered as his thumb began to circle your clit, your toes curling and your lips parting as you went to grab his hand to grind it. Your range of motion was immediately cut off by your binds as you whined.

“Oh you like that baby?” Jungkook’s lips tugged into an animated pout as he mocked, “You like your clit being rubbed while you get fucked with your little vibrator.” He pushed the vibrator half way inside you as you squeaked loudly, jamming the tip into your g-spot as you let out a loud squeal, goes curling once more as your eyes snapped shut. His thumb tenderly stroking your clit until he found your sweet spot that forced breathy whines from your lips.

“Please! Please sir! Sir! Need cum! Please! Cum!” Your body withered and it was difficult to focus on anything when the vibrator was being jammed against your g-spot and Jungkook had a certain lazy touch against your clit that had you begging.

Jungkook as if sensing you were close, immediately pulled all contact against you as you whined in objection, “Oh we’re just getting started sweetheart.” Jungkook let the smirk tug on his lips as he shifted your legs back wide open for him, “Look at this mess sweetheart,” He growled, placing the vibrator back against your wet folds as you whimpered.

Dragging it against your slick cunt you let out a sharp cry at Jungkook placing it against your delicate clit, pleasure deliciously burning in your body as you squeaked and whimpered, “Ah! Sir…! Ah please…!” You squeaked, your toes curled as you whined, your eyes snapping shut as you tried to focus on anything but cumming immediately.

Jungkook, not feeling merciful pushed a finger inside you as you whined a loud moan, your walls clenching harshly as he shoved a second finger inside you, “That’s right baby, clench. You wanna cum yeah?” He growled once more, his voice even deeper then voice. Your back was arching and your legs thrashed as you choked on your moans.

“Please! Please! Let me cum sir please!” Your voice was bubbling and frantic as your hips jerked up to meet his second finger that pushed inside you, your hips trying to fuck your self on those thick long fingers he was slowly fucking in and out of your clenching tight cunt as he slowly dragged the vibrator along your clit in search of your sweet spot.

Jungkook chuckled at the pathetic sight of your hips, “Look at you, you’re so fucking despesate to be fucked you’re even willing to do it yourself, this little pussy is clenching so hard baby do you need to cum that bad?” His lips twisted into a mocked pout as he roughly jammed his fingertips into your g-spot, the vibrator pausing on your clit as he heard the loud shriek escape you, your back arching and toes curling at the overwhelming wash of pleasure that struck through your body.

Your lips parted and your walls were rapidly clenching as you cried out, “F-fuck….! Please! Sir! Fuck! Ah…! Ah! Cum…!” Your legs were kicking as his fingers shoved back inside you, his pacing picking up a little more as pleasure burned against your sensitive bud. 

“Mm fuck, I can feel how bad you’re trying not to cum baby.” Jungkook licked his lips as the smirk formed on his mouth, his cock nearly rock hard at how tight your walls were becoming making it nearly impossible to move his fingers.

Your head was moving and your arms kept shaking as gasps and moans escaped you, it felt like a fucking demon was possessing your body due to this mans fingers shoving their way against your g-spot roughly while this vibrator continued drilling into your clit, your mind had turned to nothing but frantic cries and moans, “Cum! Please! Sir…!” You weakly begged.

A sudden gasp escaping you at the height of your pleasure, there was no way you’d be able to hold back, not with his fingers stuffing your cunt full and knowing just how to hit your sweet spot while he carefully hovered the vibrator over your clit, your thighs were jerking and your eyes snapped up before you let out a cry at everything suddenly being removed.

You kicked your legs in frustration as tears welled into your eyes, “What did I say princess?” Jungkook chuckled, leaning up to grab your face as he squished it between his hand, “You aren’t cumming until I say so.” His face went cold as he grabbed your thighs, forcing them back open as you whined, “Don’t be so fuckinf patehtic.” You jolted at the wad of spit that smacked against your dripping cunt, a loud cry escaping you ag the vibrator being shoved back inside you and aimmed directly against your g-spot, your back immediately arching as you whined as his lips attached to your clit.

His moans vibrates against your sensitive clit causing you to twitch and squirm as your lips parted at the feeling of his tongue flattening and rubbing against your bud as he stares up at you with a cocky lidded expression at the noise of your loud moans. Jungkook felt like it was music to his ears that he just needed to hear more of as he began thrusting the little bullet inside you making sure it was jabbing into your g-spot each time.

It illicted the exact reaction he had hoped for, that being your head being thrown back against the pillow and your thighs twitching as streams of moans escaped you while pleading, “F-fuck! Sir- please…! Please! Ah! Ah!” Your body was twitching in ungodly positions and he kept hearing your bonds rattle as you whimpered beneath him.

“Mmm that’s right baby, are you gonna give me your first orgasm?” Jungkook moaned as he pressed his tongue back to your little clit, flicking and playing with the little bud, “That’s it princess, I know you wanna cum.” And you sure did, your voice was high pitched and needy as your walls were rapidly clenching around the vibrator that was drilling into your g-spot.

Jungkook’s wet, warm tongue playing with your clit as he suckled against it, purposely prodding against your sweet spot before your body nearly went into shock at the orgasm you experienced. Your back arching and loud shines escaping you as you moaned, “Fuck! Fuck! Mmm! Ah! Ah…!” You had never in your life came as hard are you were right now, in fact, you were sure you blacked out for a half a second due to how amazing it was.

“Aah! Sensitive! Ah! J-sir! Sir! Yellow…!” You whined out as your legs squirmed at the overstimulation. At the sound of the yellow marker Jungkook pulled the vibrator from your cunt, letting out a soft laugh as he pressed a kiss on your inner thigh, “Mmm yellow baby? What about just another orgasm for me while you recover your guts?” Before you could even process his words his tongue was already back on your clit was a moan.

You squeaked loudly at the overstimulation once more which hurt but was admittedly much more tolerable especially after the first twenty seconds of whining before they quickly turned to moans and your legs kicking against his back as he hauled your lower body up, his fingers pushing back inside you as he moaned, “Fuck baby c’mon cum, cum all over my fingers princess I can fucking feel it.” Your eyes scrunched closed as you whimpered loudly, your body was frantically becoming overwhelmed at the feeling of his fingers fluidly thrusting, letting his pads drag over that little spongy spot that had you kicking your legs as your hips brokenly jerked against his tongue that lathed against your clit.

Your body was frantic and quickly becoming overwhelmed as you came hard once more, your toes curling and loud cries and moans escaping you as your back arched and your muscles rapidly contracted at the pure overwhelming pleasure your body was experiencing at the moment. Jungkook suckled your clit tenderly, his fingers sluggishly pumping inside you a your walls twitched and tightened around him deliciously making his cock throb in his pants, “Mmm that’s it baby, feel your tight little cunt wrapped around my fingers. How are you feeling baby?” 

Jungkook pushed his fingers fully inside you once more making you whine a little as your walls clenched around them once more. Fuck you could hardly even think with his fingers stuffing you full, “Princess,” Jungkook said in a teasing sing song voice, a third finger tracing your little hole that was stuffed with his other two fingers, “How are you feeling.” He chuckled under his breath at the feeling of your cunt rapidly squeezing around his fingers at the feeling of his index finger teasing your entrance.

Your lips were parted and drool was nearly dripping down your lips as your hips lifted a little at the feeling, wanting to be stuffed as full as possible by this man, his third finger suddenly pushing inside you making you squeak out, “Green! Ah mmm! Green fuck!” Your hips tried to fuck up against him desperately in need to be filled by more then just fingers, your body was now fucked to the point of want that fat cock inside you and at this rate you knew you were going to start begging.

“Awwh my little cum whore wants to keep going?” Jungkook mocked a baby voice as he picked back up the vibrator, purposely pumping his fingers slow as your eyes snapped shut at the feeling of being nice and full of his fingers. Cries suddenly escapes you at the vibrator feathering over your clit making your squirm, “Please…!” You legs kept clenching and your clit was hypersensitive so even the slightest touch.

Your hips jerked and squirmed as Jungkook placed the head of the vibrator back against the sweet side of your clit, nearly moaning at how harshly you reacted your walls desperately clenched as pleasure seeped into your clit with every little thrum.

Your hands were trembling and weak having given up against your restraints as you whined weakly at the feeling of three fingers roughly shoving against your g-spot. This man was wrecking your body alive and you had no choice but to take it like the little bitch you had been turned into.

Your eyes were becoming watering and your squeaks breathy and whimpered as your body twitched violently at the slight shift in the vibrator pressing into your gorged bud. It had you spiraling out of control paired with Jungkook’s rough fingers making you cry and yelp, “ah….! Fu-fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Cock! Need cock! Need!” You were kicking and sobbing, fat tears trickling down your face as you moaned rapidly at your body violently cumming, almost too much for you to handle but Jungkook skilled as ever carefully guided you through your orgasm, “That’s it babygirl, that’s it.” He cooed out, your hips following each stroke of his fingers as your body came down from its peak it had hit.

“Such a good fuckin’ girl. What was that about my cock princess?” Jungkook’s smile was cheshire-like as he quirked a brow, just drinking up those big eyes brimmed with tears as you sniffled.

Kicking your legs a little you whined, “I- I need more! Please!” You managed to roll yourself onto your stomach, the chains twisted at the bar now but you had enough room to still be comfortable as you somehow managed to push your knee’s up to support your lower half to display your destroyed pussy.

Your legs were trembling and you admittedly felt pathetic right now, one thrust and this man was probably gonna make you collapse, especially after experiencing that dummy thick fire hydrant once already.

Just the idea had your legs trembling that much more though, you were ready to be destroyed. Your body stiffened at hands cupping both cheeks of your ass, “This is pretty fucking pathetic baby.” Jungkook chuckled, a loud smack rang out as you wiggled your ass a little at the sting of his palm meeting the soft flesh, “You need my cock that fuckin’ bad?” 

“Please…!” You whined as you pressed your face against the bed, your pussy felt too empty right now clenching against nothing and you needed this man to rail you until you physically could not stand.

After a moment you let out a surprised squeal at the familiar fat cock smacking against your pussy, “Shittt baby, are you always gonna be this hungry for my dick?” Your face was burning at his whispered words in your ear, you could feel his smirk as you whined, backing against him as he moaned softly, letting his cock coat in your arousal before he lined himself up.

Jungkook wasted no time pushing inside you with ease, even anticipating it you forgot just how thick he was, biting your lip you moaned in relief at finally being filled the way you were craving. Even if you didn’t cum again you just wanted this monster cock to fill you up until you were leaking cum.

Jungkook pushed all the way inside you as he groaned, pushing his hair back as he gathered himself, “How are you feeling baby? How hard do you want me to go?” 

You were so impatient you truly couldn’t help yourself when you began fucking yourself on his cock, your lips parting at how much your walls were clenching around his large size that kept sliding inside you with so much ease, “Hard…! Fuck! Fuck me until I’m leaking your cum please sir!” 

You nearly screamed a moan at the force you were met with, your legs just as you suspected nearly crumbling like a two week old pack of crackers at the bottom of a purse from the god tier power this man was using to thrust.

His cock was slamming into you, his fat bulbous head continually jamming into your g-spot in a way his fingers couldn’t compare too as you rapidly clenched around him. The sound of his balls slapping on your skins and moans mixed together could beat your hands any day of the week, “You’re such a horny little slut.” Jungkook snapped as he slammed his hand against your ass making you cry out. Your legs violently trembling and aching in pain as he growled, “I made you cum until you're about to pass out and it isn’t enough baby? You still need this fat dick filling you up? You cock hungry little whore.” 

Jungkook, keenly noticing how excited you were vocally but your body failing to keep up he quickly eliminated this problem. Grabbing both your thighs you were confused for a brief moment before letting out a loud squeal at the way he picked them both up leaving your upper body in the air and left mercilessly at his force allowing him to thrust into you that much harder.

Your lips fell open at the way he was forcing your hips to bounce on his clock roughly, his fat shaft sliding in and out of your soaked cunt that sucked him back in desperately each time, “Fuck! Fuck…! Ju- sir! Sir! Mmm! Cock! F-fu-fuck.” 

You couldn’t even spew a sentence out anymore with your head filled with only thoughts of how he was holding your entire lower body up by your thighs and just kept drilling into your cunt like you were a feather weight. Drool was spilling your lips and you could no longer speak. Only able to make whined and moans now.

“That’s it baby, are you too fucked out on my cock to speak? Hm? Are you turned into a brain dead little cock monster now? My insatiable little cum dumpster.” All of his degradation was just fueling your further and further to the brink of an orgasm that your body was in no shape to handle.

His cock didn’t relent though, contially drilling into you like no tomorrow as he growled, “Fuck! You want me to use this little hole like a cum dump baby? Want me to make it nice and full.” You were filled with excitement all different kinds of whines escaping you making Jungkook’s moan, forcing your hips to bounce on his cock, his shaft rubbing against your g-spot with each stroke causing your body to contort and squirm, the orgasm flooded your body had you sobbing and whining, briefly black filtered your eyes before you opened them to feel hot liquid entering your body as Jungkook moaned, his hips lifting in chase of your cunt that sucked every little drop form him body. His body was floating on a euphoric high he had a difficult time coming down from when your cunt was clenched around him so hard.

He let his head drop a little as his cock began to soften, slowly slipping out of you before he set down your thighs, tucking himself back into his sweatpants Jungkook leaned over to grab the key off the nightstand he moved up a little more to undo your bonds and a small smile threatened to break on his lips at the sight of your completely fucked out face.

Your thighs were harshly trembling and you could hardly formulate a sentence let alone a single word, Jungkook whistled as he laughed, a hand tenderly rubbing into your hair, “You are so fucked out sweetheart.” He leaned down pressing a kiss against your forehead, “Let me go get a cloth and a towel to clean you up with okay baby? How does a nice hot bath sound.” 

“I’m- I’m not completely useless…” you somehow spewed out an objectification making him laugh, “I- I can…” you grabbed the toy before slowly wobbling out of the bed.

“Woah woah woah.” Jungkook scrambled out of bed after you, your legs wobbling and you immediately knew there was no way you could possibly stand. Jungkook quickly scooped you up as he looked down at you bewildered, “I just rearranged all your intestines, you seriously think you could walk after that let alone stand.” 

You pressed your face into his shoulder letting out a muffled giggle, embracing the skin ship that was much needed, “Yeah I just have this massive chicken brain that needs proof that it was good enough.”

“Good enough…?” Jungkook scrunched his face not understanding.

“Yeah it’s like my head needs proof that my body actually got destroyed.” You giggled against at Jungkook’s expression that was so obviously at a loss of what to say, having obviously never heard that before.

“...and was it proved…?” He quirked a brow.

“Clearly.” You looked at him before his arms that had you scooped against him causing you both to laugh once more as he placed you back on the bed were you nearly crumpled up immediately.

“Then stay there for real, I don’t wanna come back to seeing you sprawled out all over the floor because you needed hardcore proof.” You waved him off before shouting for him to bring water.

When Jungkook came back shortly after he snorted at the sight of you having made yourself comfortable on his bed, not only that but wearing his sweatshirt as well, “I turned off the camera by the way. My throat is so dry! Gimme.” You raised your arms as you grabbed the bottle from him as you opened it, closing your eyes as the cool liquid slid down your throat as Jungkook sat between your legs as you felt the urge to smile.

“...Did you get cum all over my bed?” Jungkook’s eyes darted around his comforter suspiciously as you shrugged, making him eye you suspiciously.

“Please- I feel like I’m a fucking gyno appointment right now, do I need to clean myself now too?” You whined kicking your legs a little, your pussy was literally right out in the open and this man could only focus on why you weren’t leaking?

Jungkook reluctantly began cleaning what left over cum remained in your thighs as he asked, “Did you stand up again?” 

“I didn’t!” You protested, lips parted in offense that he really thought you’d pull another chicken brain moment. Jungkook only rolled his eyes, a smile threatening to tug on his lips as he stood back up, tossing the rag into his laundry hamper before walking over to his dresser. Putting the bottle of water on the nightstand you briefly admired Jungkook’s physique, his waist narrow compared to his broad shoulders and muscles sculpting his back….you knew he was kind of a gym rat but given he was always in such billowing clothes you never realized how defined he was. 

If you were gonna make porn for the next two years you were glad you at least had a hot partner to do it with. Jungkook pulled the large shirt over his head.

You popped up into your forearms when he began disassembling the camera equipment making you pout, “Hey! What happened to my aftercare and bath I was promised?” 

“God you are such a pillow princess after sex, I never would’ve thought.” Jungkook crawled up onto the bed before collapsing on top of you, making you laugh as you closed your eyes, “You know I did all the work this time.” 

“Voluntarily might I add-“ you pointed as Jungkook rolled off you only for you to attach yourself back against him, “Also I didn’t realize you were THAT fit like seriously, you fucked my entire lower body up in the air. It really was a porno moment.” You snorted at the sight of Jungkook’s ears turning red and his cheeks looking a little pink at the compliment.

He shrugged a little, unable to say anything or more like he was just too shy to. Regardless he pulled out his laptop and lap stand already excited to edit the video despite just creating it. Yawning you crawled on top of him, collapsing against his chest as you closed your eyes, really wanting that bath but also incredibly tired. 

Jungkook had straight away begun editing through the clips, watching them back over before his mind began to wander...Sliding through the time stamps Jungkook let it go at the end of the clip, watching you wobble as you stood on your knees on the bed. He furrowed his brows in confusion though a little amused at the way your legs wobbled up to the camera. Oh you must’ve been going to…

He mouth parted at watching you take the camera off the tripod, aiming it at your legs before spreading them to show off the white sticky substance leaking from your cunt before your fingers scooped it up, pulling the camera up to your neck and only your mouth was visible showing off the cheeky smile you had as you plopped your fingers into your mouth, sucking them clean before popping them out of your mouth before the screen went black.

Jungkook was partially speechless and admittedly a little hard, it was tempting to not ask if you genuinely didn’t have any experience in sex work. Jungkook twisted to look down at you, deciding to interrogate only for his expression to fall at the sight of you slumped on top of him, your eyes shut and he felt a little bad at how much you wanted aftercare. 

Pushing a strand of hair from your face he made a mental note to make up for it in the morning. Going back to editing he placed one hand in your head as he tenderly stroked your scalp. This would be posted in no time.

You loved aftercare, you always craved it after a nice round of rough sex even if it was a one night stand. It was just payment for letting a man spit in your face and call you a whore- quite literally. Jungkook, wasn’t the greatest aftercare but hey, he was making it up this morning. He had gotten you a bath drawn first thing in the morning, massaged your back, gave little kisses all over your skin. You were in heaven. 

“Is this making up for me being a horrible partner last night,” You were laid out, sleepily with your eyes closed as Jungkook tenderly worked his palms back on your shoulder blades, “I saw what you did by the way. Not impressed.”

You tucked your tongue into your cheek as you smiled playfully, looking up at him over your shoulder, his head shaking as you giggled, “I thought it was a great touch to end the video. And yes, this makes up for it but I’ll only let it slide once, I’m a big aftercare slut which means you put me first before our videos. No exceptions.” 

“Even if we’re desperate for money and need a video up quickly?” Jungkook raised his brows, obviously amused at your dim expression, a wad of the blanket was set for your chin to rest on as your lips jutted a little. 

“No exceptions. Especially after a session like that!” You whined, admittedly you didn’t care that much, it was late at night and you were passed out anyways but still, you needed to make that clear if this continued in the future, you liked being held and told a lot of praise. It was the only way you didn’t feel gross after sex. 

“Fine fine! I’m sorry! I didn’t realize you were such a needy baby,” You squirmed at Jungkook pinching your waist making you jump, “What? I thought you were enjoying yourself.”

“No! No! No!” You screeched at his fingers relentlessly prodding your sides as you squirmed up, pulling the sweatshirt down as you glared at him, “Get off of me!” You whined pushing him away, “I’m fine! I’m great! No need for anymore.” You rubbed your sides with another pout. 

Jungkook snorted as he leaned back on his hands, “That’s what I thought.” Leaning over he grabbed his laptop off the nightstand, crawling over you collapsed against his side as he typed in the password for your account. 

You didn’t expect much truthfully until your eyes lit up at the 10+ notifications you had, “Looks like our luck is up this time!” You bounced in excitement as Jungkook clicked on it only for yours lips to drop. 

33,623 Views

“No way!” Your jaw dropped as you scrambled for your phone, Jungkook just as shocked as you as he scrolled down through the notifications of people commenting and sharing the video. There was no coming back from this at all. You couldn’t help but feel daunted at the greasy comments people left. 

Your brows shooting up as you logged into your joint account, “How much did we make?” Jungkook asked, his lips parted as he clicked through the account attempting to find the salary you both had made. 

“We...definitely covered the cost of our rent.” You could hardly even speak as Jungkook leaned over your shoulder to peer at your screen, over six thousand dollars in the account at the moment, you could do a lot with that kind of money…

Jungkook could hardly believe it himself as he leaned back on his hands, letting out a breath before running a hand through his hair, “Holy shit.” 

It was silent between you both, still staring in disbelief at the money piled in your bank account before you looked at him, “We’re totally eating out tonight, at one of those bougie ass restaurants. My pussy earned it.” 

Jungkook let out a breathy laugh, shaking his head as he gave you a smile, “Fair, not too fancy though, they’ll think we robbed a bank.” You couldn’t help but giggle, feeling relieved as you collapsed against the bed. You could totally do this, and when it was all said and done. You could just delete your account and it’d all be over

[wizkiddx]

your voice

angsty vibe, requested by @hollandlover19 than you for th rq and hop this doesn't disappoint too much :)))

summary: tom says something so stupid and has to deal with the consquences

warnings: a bit angsty, but ends in fluff! argumnts and raising voices, I guess could be associated with panic attacks tho not written with that intention

//////////////////////////////////

“Oh, Y/n er sorry.” Harrisons morning dulcet tones were what you were awoken to with a groan.

Everything was achy, and your head was pounding, making you grumble in discontent as you shifted uncomfortably on the technically too-small-to-sleep-on sofa.

This was not the morning you’d foreseen even 12 hours ago.

Lockdown had been difficult for everyone, even removing the tragic health crisis. Being locked in with your boyfriend and his brothers and friends was, for the most part, amazing. Lots of laughs, lots of beers and lots of quality time that you usually didn’t get. But it was also intense.

Without a doubt, since you first got together, this was the longest time you’d ever had with Tom. And it had been brilliant, your relationship getting so much closer and just learning the subtlest intricacies about the other. In fact, when lockdown had been announced, you’d never lived together (the most a week-long holiday).

Though it was also like a pressure cooker, Toms rented house. When one of you were in an understandable but stubborn lousy mood, it affected the whole house.

Yesterday night had been the perfect storm. The weather was unbelievably scorching; your work had announced that they had to let some staff go because of the financial implications of the pandemic; a ‘mole’ had released personal details of your relationship.

And it was like a pot on the stove; everything went from controllable to violently boiling over in a matter of minutes.

Honestly, you didn’t even know why you had started arguing - it was that pathetic. And yet you’d both said pretty horrible stuff - though it was Tom who had crossed the line. Frankly, the way he’d spoken to you was almost unforgivable.

You’d both known instantly too, all his anger at you had immediately evaporated when he’d realised what he had said. It took no time for him to become a grovelling apologetic mess, however even that- it was already too late.

It might sound feeble, but honestly, you’d run and locked yourself in the downstairs loo. You’d cried on the inside- whilst from the other side of the door, he had been begging and pleading with you.

After an hour though, Tom finally gave up - hence why you’d had a pretty uncomfortable night on the sofa.

This brings it back to Harrison, the early riser of the house, barrelling into the living room after his morning run. All bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, except also slightly terrified looking as he stood awkwardly in the doorway.

“I’m up now” You sighed, dragging yourself into a sitting position on the sofa whilst massaging your crooked neck.

“You er…. you fell asleep watching the TV?” Rolling your eyes, you sighed at the blonde, even if his poor acting was a little entertaining.

“Are we both pretending that you don’t know what went down last night?” Of course, Harrison knew. The walls were thin, you’d been screaming and he was Tom’s best friend. No doubt, Tom had immediately gone to him for help and advice last night.

Harrison held his hands up in response, caught in the act, and clicked his tongue. “What he said was bad. You shouldn’t be the one ending up with the sore back.” He wasn’t wrong.

“And yet here I am…” With a sigh you smiled which he returned with a sickeningly empathetic one “Anyway, don’t let my sad self get in the way, did you come in here for anything?”

Now, because Harrison was mentally a five year old, that’s how you ended up sat crossed-legged on the floor, clutching a wii remote and angrily shouting at yoshi on the mariokart screen. The whole household was competitive as hell and you were no exception - so some rouge elbows were flying when he viciously knocked you off the track.

Slowly Harry and Tuwaine filtered in and picked up remotes too, so the quiet morning was very quickly switched into a tense atmosphere of yelps and shouts. None more so than Tuwaine, who was possibly the worst looser you had ever met.

Really, you knew all the boys were only doing this as there way of showing you they were with you. That they also thought Tom was a massive raging dickhead. And you appreciated it more than they would ever know. Locked down in Toms house, very much not mutual ground, having three stupid boys behind you meant everything.

Just as you got on to the 18th and final race of the house’s mario grand prix, another voice cut across the tense silence as you waited for the coutdown to turn into ‘go’. Naturally, you flipped round to see Tom, looking as though he literally just rolled out of bed with puffy eyes and messy hair and no top. The sight made your heart flutter, to the point you had to consciously check yourself - refusing to smile softly at him like you usually would, instead narrowing your eyebrows and looking back at the TV.

Tom had so desperately hoped that when he came down this morning, everything would be better. That all it’d take would be a quiet conversation for the two of you to make up - for him to have you in his arms again. Primarily as he had heard your excited laugh echoing through the halls in reactions to Tuwaines yelps of protests - it made him hopeful. Waking up to a cold and empty bed was almost soul-crushing this morning. He did not want it to ever happen again.

Which is why his heart sank so much when all you gave him was a scolding look, before turning your attention to the TV. Admittedly, he was naive to think that what he’d done last night would be an easy fix - he knew it too. So with dropping shoulders, Tom silently took a seat on the sofa, watching from afar. You spent the rest of the race more absent, not joining in with the Harrison or Harrys trash-talking, acutely aware of Tom’s eyes burning the back of your head.

Then came Harry’s celebrations as the overall winner (only just) and when Harrison suggested another game Tom piped up again.

“Give me a turn Harry.”

The three boys kneeling next to you all stiffened, looking immediately to you for what seemed like consent - as if they were engaging with the enemy. (At least it was good to know everyone was on your side).

“I’m gonna go prepare for my meeting anyway.” You spoke quietly, already placing the remote on the floor and standing up.

“Y/n I don’t mind swappin-“

“No. Thanks, H but no.” You weren’t being selfless and giving Tom a turn. You were running away from seeing him.

And Harrison was still really angry at Tom. He’d been so selfish and insensitive and had hurt you- someone who Haz also cared a lot about too. Yes Tom was his bestmate, that he’d grown up with and known for years - but Haz really liked you too, in fact all the boys did. So they were almost as pissed with Tom as you were.

So while you threw the cushion you were sat on back on the floor, Harrison shot Tom the filthiest look and practically shooed him away.

“come on Y/n … just one more? Then you can do your boring work.” You were about to refuse when Haz tilted his head toward the door, only then noticing that Tom had slipped out the room. Now that he was gone ,yes, just one more wouldn’t hurt. The meeting prep wasn’t time pressured; it was an excuse for an escape.

Tuwaine whooped a little when you nodded, planting back down and ready for the first race. Yet apart from that, the room was still a little awkward, you being the first to break the silence.

“Actually Haz, would you mind giving me a lift today?”

“What to the shops?

“Um no not quite.” Tuwaine laughed in his usual innocent and infectious style before asking more.

“Seriously? You know we’re locked down? Boris won’t be happy if you going mad and leaving the house.”

“Just to Y/f/n’s. She lives on her own so it’s legal.”

“She lives just down the road right? Can’t you walk?” Harry was confused, making him look away from the screen, ultimately leading to his ‘diddykong’ falling off the track.

“I’ll have my bags. I um… I think I’m going to stay with her till lockdown eases more.”

As soon as you said that, Harry pressed pause on the race, all three boys looking at you mouth-opened.

“For real?”

“Yeh I um… think me and Tom need some time apart and being locked in isn’t helping.”

“I’m not saying to forgive and forget what he said… but he is really sorry.”

“The twats literally kicking himself.” Tuwaine added, making you smile a little for calling Tom that.

“I know just… I need some space and-“

“Are you breaking up?” Harry almost announced, cutting you off. He would miss you too.

“No! Nono I … well I don’t know. I just- we both need this.”

The boys all nodded, looking at the floor for a moment before Harrison’s blue eyes were back on you.

“Course I’ll drive, but… but I’ll miss you.”

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

You’d left merely an hour later, whilst Tom was holed up in the garden doing what looked like an almost unbearable work out. It meant he was also out your hair and you could throw all your stuff into two suitcases without him being any the wiser. It was probably pretty cowardly to leave without speaking to him, but you couldn’t. It would hurt too much and you didn’t want to break down in front of him. No doubt as soon as you had got to Y/f/n you did - into a blubbering mess of tears - but Tom hadn’t seen so it was okay.

Speaking of. Tom.

Tom was not in a good way at all. He’d been trying really hard to curb his’ short fuse’ lately- all of which had been well and truly blown in the past 4 hours. After finally being realised from meetings, which he’d not been able to concentrate on anyway, Tom had mentally prepared himself for a lot of grovelling. Once he’d vaguely hunted the house and not found you there, he naturally asked Harry and Tuwaine (both of whom were in the living room) if they’d seen you around.

It was a typical question, the answer he was expecting was that you’d just gone on your daily walk. And yet the response he got was… well a lot more confusing. Harry’s eyes widened whilst T did his awkward-uncomfortable chuckle, the two locked in an intense bout of eye contact. It was as though they were arguing with each, but through the powers of telekinesis... and it put Tom on edge. He was already stressed because you were so angry with him, so not getting a clear answer out of his brother and best mate - lets just say it tested his patience.

“You two need to tell me what the hell is going on right now.”

The two boys both looked panicked to speak to him, which was the opposite of the usual situation. They were some of the ONLY people in his life that would just say it how it is, no sugar coating. Like if he was away and being ‘famous’ was getting to his head; or if he wore the wrong pair of jeans. Even yesterday evenings events, they’d both called him out on what he’d said to you.

So why the silence?

Eventually, it was Harry who spoke up, but in doing so, practically just waved all responsibility on to another innocent party.

“Ask Haz.”

And then Tom knew. He knew this was bad. Immediately his heart was pumping at an alarmingly fast rate, taking the stairs two at a time and not bothering to knock before bursting the door open.

“Where’s Y/n?”

Harrison was reclined back on his haphazardly made bed, laptop balanced on his lap as he looked up with a sigh. He’d known this conversation was coming, but it didn’t make it any less easy. With a sigh, Haz closed the lid of his MacBook and sat up on the bed.

“Tom just-“

“Where. Is. She.”

“She’s gone to Y/f/n’s.”

“Oh… okay.” Suddenly Tom’s voice was muted, thinking he might’ve blown his top at nothing. This wasn’t weird - Y/f/n was in your support bubble and you went to hers often.

Tom was grossly underestimating the situation - and Harrison heard didn’t fancy stringing him along though.

“No like gone. She um… she took all her stuff. I think she’s going to stay there till-“

Tom was already out his room at that point, slamming the door as he did so. Making a beeline for his own room, Tom then frantically started to pull out the draws and rummage around the shelves, confirming what he already knew. Your clothes were gone, your toothbrush and toiletries were gone, you were gone.

It’s important to note Tom didn’t really cry all that much. Or if he did - it was more inconsequential, at a sad movie or one of the rescue dog stories from battersea. Actually, when it came down to it, he didn’t really cry.

Now though, it was impossible to ignore the burning of his eyes, as he sank down onto the bed that now felt twice the size. With ragged breath, he repeatedly fisted his eyes, not actually letting the tears fall - but it was impossible to not acknowledge their presence. Harrison stood wordlessly at the door frame, knowing it best not to interrupt - whilst at the same time knowing Tom shouldn’t be left alone. There was a delicate balance between the two, which he was walking on a knife-edge on right now.

After a short while, Tom looked up with red eyes and nodded at Harrison, effectively granting him entrance. With a sigh once again, Haz moved and sat next to Tom on the bed, clasping his hands together nervously.

“She said you both just needed a break from each other. Think lockdown and everything was just a bit too intense.” Haz had tried to explain, yet it seemed Tom had only managed to lock onto one of the first words.

“A break? Or breaking up?”

“I uhm… she didn’t explicitly say ending things. But I just… I don’t know to be honest mate.”

“You see the way she looked at me this morning? Like she hated me. Wouldn’t even acknowledge that I was there.”

“I don’t know what to say… she needs time and space I think.” Tom was silent for a beat, shaking his head as he cradled his forehead.

“I hate the fact you and my girlfriend are on better terms than I am.” Anddd his voice was back to scathing.

“I’m not on anyones side. But your both my friends and she… she needed some time.”

With that, Harrison made a quick exit out, getting Harry to take over the Tom supervision.

Ever since the atmosphere in the house had been tense. To say Tom was highly strung was an understatement, particularly towards Harrison. Deep down he was thankful Haz was looking out for Y/n: he was glad that Haz was checking she was okay. It’s not like Tom could, because Y/n was refusing to answer his calls, texts, whatsapps, even the slip of paper he’d slipped under Y/f/n’s door in the middle of an especially dark night.

So it was good to know Y/n was okay, but the fact she was going on socially distanced walks with the rest of his housemates was rubbing salt in the wound.

After a week and a half of complete radio silence on your end Tom had utterly worn down. He didn’t have the emotional capacity to be angry anymore, he was just tired. Tired of missing you with every breath, tired of the ten-tonne weight of guilt pressing on his chest, fucking exhausted with being angry at Haz and Harry and Tuwaine.

The best thing in his life and one of the very limited opportunities was quality time with the people he loved more than anything else. He had ruined it all.

And it was the small things. It was waking up to your soft, whispered voice in the morning; it was your infectious giggle when he surprised you with a hug from behind and gentle kisses to your neck; it was your quiet singing in the shower. Especially when he knew Haz, Harry and Tuwaine were all still seeing you and laughing with you. It hurt like hell.

Which is how he ended up hesitantly knocking on Harrison’s bedroom door at half eleven at night, with his tail between his legs. Having been so uber-healthy all lockdown, Haz was already in bed following his sleep cycle, though for Tom right now- he would be awake.

“I’m um… I’m sorry I’ve been a knob. There’s no excuse of anything I’ve just… I’ve been a knob.”

“You’re not wrong.” Harrison nodded in agreement with a sly smile, motioning for Tom to come into the room, after which he perched on the edge of the bed.

“I just… I need to speak to her but I… I don’t want to push her if she’s still hurting and I…”

“You absolutely promise not to blow your fuse? Because she couldn’t handle that.” Tom’s eyes widened, thinking this would be a much harder pitch than how it seemed to be going.

“Yesyesyes i- I promise. I just, I feel broken you know? Even if all I get is the time to say sorry, I-I really need to.”

Harrison released a deep breath, nodding slowly before throwing the covers off himself. Tom watched all his movements with a curious gaze, silently sitting as Haz pulled on a hoodie, then socks too.

“Well? Let’s go.”

//////////////////

Now, what Tom had not in the slightest bit been prepared for was this to happen tonight. Really, he hadn’t even thought Harrison would agree to let him talk to you… and even if he had, Tom not in hell thought it’d be at 11:30 that evening.

His heart was thundering in his chest, trying to hurriedly script how on earth he was going to apologise meaningfully to you - as him and Haz walked the short distance to your friends house. Honestly the whole situation was peculiar to Tom - finding it hard to believe that if you weren’t to answer his texts you wouldn’t be open to an in person conversation.

What Tom didn’t know, was how you’d been texting Haz at a similar point of desperation. You weren’t happy and even given everything Tom had said and acted - you missed your boy. No matter how infuriating he could be when trapped 24/7 - you’d quickly learnt this was the only way you wanted to spend these weird times.

So yes, Tom’s best friend knew you were hardly sleeping either, but needed that little push to interact with you boyfriend. No doubt, you’d still be awake to answer the door.

Once he’d arrived at the apartment block and walked up the stairs to the right floor, it still took some prodding and pushing from Harrison to get Tom to knock on the door. Plainly, because he was shitting himself. Haz hadn’t given him enough pre warning, enough time to work it all out in his head. So it took another encouraging nod from Harrison for him to knock on the slightly rough-round-the-edges flat door.

Y/f/n was single and young, starting her career in Kingston - so the flat she could afford was modest at best. When it was just occupied by a single person, that was manageable - two was a push. You’d only been living with her for a week and a few days but it was enough to know this flat was not ideal for two people in lockdown. You were already stepping on each others toes. It also wasn’t technically legal to move households but Y/f/n had always been in your support bubble as a single household otherwise. And so there was also a layer of guilt to it all.

Naturally then, sharing a bed with someone who wasn’t Tom meant you just were not sleeping. Even if you had both gone to bed early (just to kill some hours in the day) you were still wide awake at quarter to twelve - when a timid knock echoed through the minuscule apartment. Curiosity peaked at who the hell would be calling now; you silently slipped out of bed, managing to not disturb Y/f/n, and closed the bedroom door.

Now you weren’t an idiot. Even though this was southwest london, hardly the capital for crime, Y/f/n lived in a dodgy building with some questionable characters. And it was midnight. Hence why you approached the situation cautiously, tiptoeing to the door and waiting with your ear pressed against the wood.

“I told you she wouldn’t answer!”

“She will! Might just be in the loo or something.”

“Haz this is stupid-“

The air in your chest froze when you immediately recognised the smooth tone of his voice. It was him… and you’d missed that so much. Already there were tears in your eyes and you couldn’t open the door just yet. So no, instead you slid down the doorframe before calling quietly out into the night.

“Tom?”

The bickering on the otherside of the door was silenced, but you heard a quite tap on the door... and could envision exactly what was going on. Tom, pressing both palms and his ear to the door, as Harrison took a few steps back - sensing his work was done.

“Y/n? You there?” He sounded desperate, you could hear the emotion dripping off his voice. It was only when you tried to reply did you realise your own voice was having a harder time speaking.

“Yeh its-its me.” It felt as though this heavyweight that had been pressing down on your chest was slowly lifting, making your voice all cracky and low.

In response, there was a short and sharp exhale. It sounded relieved before some fidgeting as you imagined him crouching down beside the door - mirroring your image.

“Fuck, it… it feels so good to hear your voice.”

“Yours too… I’ve-i’ve missed you.”

Tom snorted at that, a gentle bang allowing you to realise he’d just whacked his head on the back of the wood.

“You have no idea how this week felt.” He was wrong though, you did.

Yes, maybe without the insurmountable guilt that Tom was rightfully feeling, but it didn’t mean that the time apart wasn’t easy.

“I do. This hasn’t been a nice holiday for me you know?”

He sighed, knowing that yet again he’d said the wrong thing. This time though, he didn’t rebut instantly (which surprised you), instead his response was more measured and calculated.

“I am so sorry. And of course, I know because I was the one that hurt you too. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive myself for that.” You nodded but given this conversation was happening through a door Tom didn’t see your gentle agreement - opting to fill the silence.

“I um… I’m not good at this whole um… speaking my feelings. But I’ve hated myself ever since I picked that fight with you. It was stupid and uh it-it was all my fault. I’m so so sorry for hurting you.”

“‘Why?” You tried to ask, except the words were stuck in your throat, making you have to clear it before asking again. “Why did you say it?”

“To get a rise out of you. It’s stupid and petty and fucking-fucking dumb. I said it not because I’ve ever thought it, I never ever have, but I knew it’d hurt you. I was preying on your insecurities because I was angry at the world and that was so unfair. “

“No shit.”

Silence reigned as you fiddled with your fingers - specifically with the promise ring he’d bought you a year ago.

“You-you think you could ever forgive me?”

“Thats the annoying part. I want to hate you because you literally stabbed me then twisted the knife but… but all I’ve done this week is miss you. Even when I saw Haz or Harry or Tuwaine. I just fucking missed you.”

“Can you open the door please love?”

Clumsily you scrubbed the tear tracks off your face, scrabbling to your feet so you could thrust open the doors. Because you might still be bloody pissed at him, but at the same time - you needed your Tom. Thrusting the door open, the first thing you registered was being pressed into Tom’s chest. His arms slinked around your waist and held him tight, which you reciprocated, squeezing tightly round his neck. Your senses were all being assaulted by one thing and one thing only. Tom.

He smelt like usual, except maybe the slightest bit stronger than usual - you figured he hadn’t showered in a day or two or bothered with cologne. The top of your forehead was pressed up against his chin, and as he readjusted his grip on you, you felt the scratchy feeling of his unshaven stubble. He kept whispering apologies against the top of your head, almost desperate and religiously.

Arching back, you brought both hands to cup his cheeks, looking into his glassy brown. eyes, which looked so lost and confused.

“I’m still angry.”

“Of course-“

“I’m still angry but I’m going to kiss you okay?”

Safe to say Tom didn’t require a verbal response, taking it upon himself to nudge his lips against yours, yet waiting for you to initiate the kiss. And that you did, everything else about this godforsaken week and a half. His index finger traced the angle of your jaw, whilst he held your lower back tight, pressing himself as close as physically possible to you. Needing you.

Eventually arching back, your thumb ran over his deep and sunken under-eyes, which added so much age to his face.

“You look tired Tommy.”

“Can’t sleep without you telling me goodnight.” That was another tradition you had had. Even when he was away, you’d even set an alarm for whatever bedtime was for the other across the world. Just so you could send a little message or voice not saying goodnight. Was it cringey? Yes. Did either of you care? No.

But since you’d been away all the evening wishes were absent from you. Which hurt Tom more than you may ever know.

“I know you’re still angry but will you please come home to me? I need you to be the last thing I hear at night and the first thing in the morning.”

would love to hear any feedback <333 (but think this is a bit of a shitter so im sorry!!!)

tagging: @lovehollandy12 @pandaxnienke @thegirlwiththeimpala @msmimimerton @hollandfanficlove @hollandlover19 @hunnybunimdun @crossyourpeter @thefernandasantana@hallecarey1

[creativeashproductions]

Back to the 118 // Evan Buckley

IN WHICH: Buck meets the firefighter he replaced as the reader transfers back to the 118. The reader never expected to fall for a co-worker the first day back at the 118 after two years spent at the 155 in Los Feliz.

Warnings: Swearing, sickness, hospitals, health issues, pregnancy, angst and a shit ton of fluff

Words: 5.9k

A/N: So this is obviously a modern au for jatp to fit in the 911 universe. To make this work, Buck replaced Reader instead of Tommy after many failed probies. Eddie then later replaced Tommy.

TO BE TAGGED SEND AN INBOX/ASK PLEASE!

Masterlist

Your e/c eyes scanned the outward appearance of the first firehouse you’d worked at fresh out of the Academy. The place that had become a second home from the increased tension-filled house your parents still lived in. A place you had escaped as quickly as you could for a dream career. A career your parents hadn’t been proud of in the beginning, with the danger that came with being a firefighter paramedic.

“You the new recruit?”

Your eyes fell from the building to the male individual standing near the open bay the engine and ladder truck both used. The male in question must have joined the 118 after you transferred to the 155. The stranger towered at least six feet minimum with blue eyes and short blonde hair with the slightest wave.

“No-”

“Flint!” The excited voice of the only other female paramedic called out. You only saw dark navy before you were pretty much tackled.

Hen and Chimney had equally taken you under their wings when you initially joined as a rookie. You’d been the second female firefighter-paramedic at the 118 and the youngest by far. As if you’d summoned him, you felt the arms of Chimney sandwich you against Hen.

“Flint?” The stranger parroted, blinking his eyes at the rather unusual scene of Chimney and Hen wrapped around an unknown girl.

“What are you doing here?” Chimney questioned, stepping back. Hen scoured your entire form for any differences that had occurred.

“Y/N decided to come home,” Bobby spoke from a few feet behind the reunion with the beaming smile on his features. His lips pulled into a smile directed at the first recruit he’d taken on his first year at the 118.

“Bobby!” You grinned, meeting the father figure in the middle of the distance between you two. Bobby wrapped you up in his arms tightly, a certain lightness cocooning the Captain as he took in his friends.

“You’re back here?”

“Everything is squared back at home now, thankfully, and while I loved working with the 155, it wasn’t home. This will always be home.”

“Buck, this is Y/N Patterson. She worked her first two years with the 118 before transferring to the 155 in Los Feliz. Y/N, this is one of our newest members, Evan Buckley.” Bobby gestured towards the previously nameless firefighter.

“Who would leave the 118?” Buck questioned, unable to come up with a valid reason to leave the family at 118.

Buck’s opinion didn’t stand with his only workplace after successfully becoming a firefighter solely was the 118. Never had he worked in another firehouse. He’d been a fire marshall and volunteered his time in the Austin wildfire, but he always came home to the 118.

“Family issues.”

2018, Firehouse 118, Los Angeles

A fresh-faced, albeit dirty from sweat and soot, jumped down from the engine truck’s high steps. The synchronized slam of doors sounded from your colleagues and friends Hen and Chimney. All three individuals famished for the casserole Bobby had premade during the slow morning.

“Baked Mac n’ Cheese.” Tommy breathed from his position by the driver side. Tommy Kinard was a stoic man towering over six feet. He was always a gentle giant after you’d bonded after a hard call.

“Clean up, and I’ll have it in the oven. It’s Chimney’s time to make the salad and Flint’s turn to set the table.” Bobby spoke with barely a glance to the ground ahead of him. 

Your Captain jogged towards the stairs, whereas his team made their way to the locker rooms for a well-deserved shower. You and Hen split away from Tommy and Chimney to the women’s locker room that had gotten an upgrade.

Well, before you joined the Academy, the locker room had been used as a glorified game room, all thanks to the misogynist Captain from hell. Hen often had over the years mentioned how lucky you got with Bobby being your first Captain.

“Chimney better not put those onions like he did last time.” You spoke from under the stream of warm water. Nothing beat the warmth of a shower near the end of your shift erasing the evidence of your job.

“Man needs to learn the complimentary salad to the main dish.” Hen piped up from across the shower room.

You and Hen had both showered and redressed in a fresh uniform in under five minutes, the dirty one placed in a laundry bag. You’d managed to beat the boys to the upstairs by a few seconds. Enough to set half of the able before Chimney began to making his salad of choice.

“Looks great, Cap.” Tommy complimented the gooey homemade pasta Bobby religious made every third Thursday. He alternated between pasta recipes with the odd new recipe every once in a while.

“What are you waiting for? The bell?” Bobby quipped to the unmoving bunch of hungry individuals. His words started the boisterous meal time preceding the end of shift.

“So, we’re halfway through dinner and Amber-” Your phone interrupted the disaster date Tommy had begun telling. He continued as soon as you waved him to go ahead while you took the call.

“Hello?” You breathed into the phone.

“Hi, sweetheart.” The warmth infused in your mom’s voice soothed the ruffled feathers from the call you’d come back from, “How are you?”

“I’m good! We just finished eating. My shift is almost over, and I’ll have to go straight to the store for groceries-”

“Y/N, we found him.”

The him was easy to figure out given your brother had run away from home three months prior with only his dreams in mind. You’d spent most of your off time, sometimes even during shift out on a call, to scan the environment for Luke. You became a regular in questioning hospitals and homeless shelters.

“Where was he?”

“His band had been about to play at some big venue last night.” Mom’s word choice concerned you. Her voice dripped with sadness instead of the typical disappointment and annoyance on anything to do with Sunset Curve.

“Mom, what’s going on?”

“A few nights ago, the boys got hotdogs-”

“Streetdogs.” You interrupted with evident anger in your tone at the mention of those death dogs Luke consumed. You can’t even give a number to how many times you had told him how unsanitary and dangerous the food is.

“Something was wrong with the food. They got ill fast. Alex and Reggie are being kept for observation but will be found with a few days of rest.”

“What about Luke?”

“He tried to call 911; he was weak and fell. Y/N, he hit his head. He’s in the ICU in a coma.” Emily Patterson’s voice cracked as soon as she acknowledged the current state of her youngest child.

The colours of the world dulled as soon as your mind clicked that Luke was in the hospital. Your little brother had put himself in danger all because he had a big dream. Your mind flashed through your life growing up with him.

You remembered talking to your mom’s growing bump when she was pregnant with Luke. You remembered five-year-old Luke unable to settle unless you sang to him. Your voice was nothing special, but it soothed the little boy when he had a nightmare. You could vividly recall teaching Luke how to play the guitar when he was thirteen; the brunette a complete natural at it.

“What’s his prognosis?”

“Too early to tell. The doctor is hoping Luke will be in a general room after tomorrow if the swelling goes down. I wanted you to know as soon as possible.”

“How’s Dad?”

Emily hesitated from her position by a hospital bed. Her brown eyes carefully scanning the male sleeping soundly in the bed.

“Mom?”

“Your father had a heart attack last night. That’s why I haven’t been able to tell you sooner. He’s currently sleeping, but he’ll have a barrage of tests later today-”

“I’ll be there as soon as my shif-”

“No. Don’t drop anything. I can keep you up.”

“Excuse my language, but there’s no way in hell I’m staying away from my family. I’ll take a few days off. I’ll see you in a couple hours.” Your thumb tapped the red circle on the bottom of your screen.

The 118 didn’t bother pretending they hadn’t been watching your form during your phone call. Bobby felt like something had drastically changed in a few minutes you’d been busy on the phone.

“Everything okay?” Bobby inquired from his position at the kitchen sink. His hands in the sudsy water to scrub the empty pan.

“My brother and my father are in hospital. I’m gonna need some days off.” You informed your boss with a look of utter defeat coating your expression.

Those few days transitioned to transferring to the closest firehouse to your childhood home and the hospital. The medical bills from both your brother and father had begun to overwhelm your mother with the current single source of income. Emily didn’t ask you for anything, but you started renting the home you’d bought for extra money.

It was a silent agreement that you paid rent as a cover to helping with the bills piling up.

Present Day, Firehouse 118

Buck followed behind the welcoming group to the girl that seemed larger than life. Buck was impressed by the sacrifice you’d made for the good of your family. You’d willingly given up the family of the 118. Buck didn’t know if he could do the same.

“Welcome back.” Hen cheered on her guidance to the heaven everyone called the kitchen. Your department issue duffle bag dropped out of the wall on the top level.

Your eyes zeroed in on the spread of your favourite foods prepared by the only person aware of your return. It was only one look of gratitude towards the father figure before everyone dug in.

A few changes had occurred since you’d last sat at this table. Tommy Kinard had left the 118 for the 217 shortly after your departure. He’d been replaced by the ready to impress Buck. One thing that hadn’t changed was the delicious food Bobby made.

Your eyes found the sole empty chair at the long table, “Didn’t you say the house took on two new recruits since I left?”

“Buck took your position when you left. We had a revolving door of firefighters before Buck permanently joined.” Chimney supplied with a mouth full of lettuce and grated carrot. Hen whacked his arm for his lack of manners.

“You’ll meet Eddie on the next shift. He took the day off. It’s his son’s first birthday since his mom died.” Bobby informed you with that pinched wrinkle between his eyebrows, “He joined after Tommy left.”

“Well, I can’t wait to meet the entire team.” You replied, looking past to the circular table behind Bobby’s spot. Sam and Ryan both waved happily upon catching sight of you back at your unspoken seat.

You listened intently as Hen shared the changes Denny had gone through in the time you’d been away. Chimney was ecstatic to point out the faint scar on his forehead.

“You had rebar go through your skull, and you’re completely fine?” You questioned, floored by the pure luck Chimney had.

“Oh, it was nasty. Went in from the back of the skull to the front.” Buck spoke enthusiastically, recounting the scene. Chimney deadpanned a look at his younger coworker, “Oh, sorry.”

“It’s like you never had it happen.”

“Doc was shocked at how positive the outcome and healing was. I was back at work within a month on light duty. I beat my record getting in my turnout gear.” 

“And yet my little brother was comatose for two months.” You grumbled under your breath. None of the people could make out the words, but the grimace on your face was enough to show them it was personal.

In true 118 fashion, the bell rang throughout the firehouse with the disembodied voice declaring the type and location. Yoru e/c eyes found Buck climbing into the driver’s seat where Tommy had once commandeered. It was odd not having the man who’d became an older brother to you.

“How’re your parents?” Hen questioned, sitting diagonally from you. Her fingers repositioning the radio on her chest.

“Dad’s recovering pretty good. Mom’s started attending her knitting club again.” 

Buck’s eyes raised to the rearview mirror to meet yours in interest, “What happened?”

“Uh...my dad had a heart attack a couple years ago. He took a long time to recover with the further stress that caused it.” You piped up, understanding the news would come out at some point, “My little brother was in an accident that left him in a coma. Life was just as messy after he woke up.”

“He’s okay?” Chimney questioned, “I know we’ve never met them, but it really gutted you.”

“Well, physically, he’s fine, but emotionally he’s upset. He was in a band, and when he came out of the coma, he found out some devastating news.” You continued to explain, but unfortunately, or maybe, fortunately, you’d come to the scene.

It was a little known place most teenagers discovered as a hang out spot just on the edge between your county and the next. The location was the infamous spot of cliff jumping; you knew because this was something you’d recklessly done in high school.

“He’s over here!” A blonde male of average height called from the edge of the cliff. His blue eyes were bright even from this distance, matching the detailing on his swim trunks.

Surrounding the edge with the boy was a group of teenagers his age, all in different versions of swimsuits. You found the scared brown eyes of a beautiful girl you vaguely knew from the few shows of Sunset Curve you had watched. Her dark blonde hair plaited out of her face. Her face clicked as Carrie Wilson, Bobby’s sister or cousin.

You jogged towards the edge of the cliff to look over. It was easily between fifteen to twenty feet from the edge of the cliff to the water. You recognized Hen crouching by your side, looking at what you were looking at.

On the rocks was a prone body of a teenage male with bruises already forming on his face from where you could see. His thick shoulder-length hair laid still half in the ponytail and around his head.

“Head trauma.” You murmured to Hen, scanning from a distance, “I can’t tell much from this height and angle.”

“Either a broken tibia or fibula. Spinal injury is definitely a concern.”

“Okay, his name is Willie Young. He’s eighteen years old. His sister Kayla was dared to jump off by doing some kind of flip. Willie took her dare and didn’t jump far enough or tripped over a rock.” Bobby listed having been talking with the group of teenagers all shook up.

“I can rappel-” Buck began to speak before you cut him off firmly.

“It would take too long, and the angle is difficult. Nobody rappels down it; the cliff isn’t stable enough. It crumbles pretty easy, and the unofficial name of this cliff is Devil’s Dive.” Your eyes found Carrie’s tear-filled once and the utter devastation in who you pegged as Kayla.

“How do you know that?”

“Because I’ve jumped off this cliff for years as a teenager. You’re looking at the resident champion of self reckless endangerment at Devil’s Dive.” 

Hen, Chimney and Bobby each stared, shocked at your revelation of stupid teenager decisions.

“Then how are we gonna get down there,” Buck questioned, staring at the unconscious teenager lying on the rocks.

“Easy, I can jump from here into the water and climb onto the rocks to where Willie is. I have the experience of how and where to jump safely.” You spoke to your Captain with complete confidence in your abilities, “You can lower down the kit, radio and backboard by a rope. There’s a mansion beyond the trees that you can ask to borrow a boat from the owner. He’s eccentric and questionable but nice enough.”

Bobby nodded his head to your plan. You unbuttoned your uniform shirt to strip down to the department t-shirt with the emblem on your chest and across your back. You kept the boots and emptied your pockets of anything. The butterflies fluttered in your stomach at the height of the cliff you hadn’t jumped from in years.

“I’ll jump where-”

“Excuse me?” You scoffed at Buck’s assumption he could follow you.

“You’ll need another pair of hands to roll him on the backboard. I don’t have anyone waiting for me at home. This is kinda what I do. Bobby cleared it already.” Buck shrugged with a half-smirk on his handsome face.

With a roll of your eyes, you quickly gave Buck a rundown on how to jump correctly before you tossed yourself off the cliff. The cold water momentarily shocked your system as soon you submerged under the water. You swam to the surface before swimming towards the rocks. Willie hadn’t moved an inch.

“Whoa! That was so cool!” Buck cheered once he’d appeared on the surface of the water, “No wonder you used to do that!” 

His excitement both annoyed and amused you, “Eh. I was just an idiot kid who thought they were invincible.”

The two firefighters lifted themselves onto the rock formation, where blood stained the rock. While Buck retrieved the backboard and essentials from the rope, your hands moved across Willie’s body, checking for breaks. You caught the c-collar Buck tossed without looking. You quickly but gently put the collar on Willie.

“Hi, Willie. My name is Y/N, and I’m a paramedic. I’m gonna check you over for injuries.” You informed the teenager closely. You’d only just opened his eyes to flash a light on them, “Buck let Bobby know Willie’s pupils are reactive to light and the same size.”

“Got it!” Buck called out from the open medkit, “I’ll splint his leg.”

“W-what happened?” Willie wheezed sluggishly. His brown eyes were unfocused.

“You got hurt trying to jump off the cliff. You’re in good hands, Willie. I’m a paramedic with the Los Angeles Fire Department. This is my coworker Buck.”

“Kayla?”

“Perfectly safe, but you did give her a scare. Willie, can you feel this?” Buck questioned, gently touching his right foot. Buck and you both gave a sigh of relief as Willie confirmed he felt it.

 “Okay, we’re gonna roll you on to the backboard. On three: one, two, three.” You counted before rolling Willie on his side with Buck. Willie’s cry echoed around the surrounding as you settled him on the board.

“Need a ride?” Chimney asked as a very nice boat floated towards the three people on the rocks. Hen and Bobby helped load Willie onto the boat, “Mr. Covington agreed to let us use the boat if we don’t get blood on the seats.”

“Can you call my boyfriend?” Willie sluggishly asked when he was loaded into the ambulance on the cliff. Kayla sliding into the seat in the back of the ambulance with their items.

“Alex is meeting us at the hospital.” Kayla told her older brother, “You absolute idiot! You should have just let me jump!”

“And let you be in the back of the ambulance? Dad would kill me if I had let you do it.” Willie scoffed. Their conversation was silent as Chimney and Buck closed the back doors of the ambulance.

Bobby, Buck and you climbed into the fire truck to follow the ambulance to the closest hospital. Hen and Chimney rolled the gurney to the doors with Kayla hot on their heels. You’d just turned to head back to the truck when you saw three teens loitering near the entrance.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” You grumbled, marching away from Bobby and Buck to the teen who was supposed to be in class.

Luke had been forced into private tutoring to catch up to his friends in his grades, meaning every afternoon. The watch on your wrist confirmed Luke was definitely supposed to be with his tutor at the community centre.

“Luke!” You shouted, stomping right up to the wide-eyed teen.

Luke’s Adam’s apple bobbed in his throat as his older intimidating sister caught him like his hand was in the cookie jar. You didn’t give Reggie or Alex a second look while you gripped Luke’s ear to tug him away.

“Ow!” Luke whined from the angle you dragged him at.

“What the hell are you doing across the city? You’re supposed to be in your session that our parents are paying a great deal for.” You snapped, crossing your arms in your wet t-shirt.

“We need every chance we can to-”

“Make it big in the industry.” You parroted the past discussions on Luke’s dream as a band, “Do you remember how I got mom and dad off your back? An agreement that you finish high school on time. Not dropping out.”

“So many musicians have dropped out! Green Day’s frontman dropped out his senior year to focus on the band. Several others like Elton John and Kurt Cobain!” Luke enthused, gesturing with his hand to emphasize his words.

“Luke.” You warned, “It’s either catch by with a tutor with some time dedicated to your band, or it’s a military school.”

Luke’s hazel eyes minimally widened, “They would-”

Your stoic expression stayed the same as the energetic seventeen-year-old bounced in his spot across from you. 

“There’s only so much I can do before you lose everything. I know you feel anxious after what all happened, but music isn’t going anywhere.” You reached to squeeze Luke’s hand in yours, “So, I’ll clear it with my boss to have you ride the bus to the station. You’ll have your tutor sessions with my supervision, so I know you’re attending.”

“Y/N!” Bobby called from next to the firetruck, “We gotta go.”

“I’m guessing the Alex that Willie is dating your best friend?” You questioned with one raised eyebrow. Luke nodded in response, “Let mom know you had to be there for Alex. She’ll let skipping your session go this once.”

“Thanks!” Luke chimed, lunging to hug you. Your mouth barely opened before he was racing towards a jittery Alex and a grinning Reggie.

Reggie lifted his arm to wave with his flushed cheeks a darker red colour. You found Reggie’s crush on you to be absolutely adorable. He was a friendly kid.

“He looks good for a kid who was in a coma not long ago.” Hen breathed as the teenager entered the ER with his best friends beside him.

“Oh, he healed quickly. He was crushed after he fully recovered from his head injury.”

“That was your brother?” Buck inquired, and he was just as focused on your features as he had since he first met you. 

“Yeah! He was in a coma for ten months when he was sixteen. He’s spent the last two years catching on on school to graduate with his friends. Well hopefully. He’s dead set on dropping out.” You heavily sighed, leaning your temple on the glass window, “He was supposed to be at a tutoring session. I’ll be chaperoning to make sure he goes.”

“If you need to have them at the station, send me a schedule, and I’ll make it work. Luke’s just as much family as you are.”

The rest of the shift was smooth sailing as Buck followed you around with the sole purpose of getting to know you. The friendship came naturally to the two of you. He didn’t hold back with you like he did with others. Fridays off became hangouts that varied from just Buck and you to spend it with Eddie and Christopher.

Everyone could see Buck had developed feelings for you and vice versa. Unlike the man Buck used to be, he was cautious. He wanted to do this right. And Buck did. With the help of Christopher, he asked you out.

Months Later

Buck’s eyes fluttered open in the dim lighting of your new home’s bedroom he often found himself in. Before, you had alternated staying at his apartment or yours before a significant change happened. Luke moved in to finish his senior year with the help of your tutoring, as agreed with your parents. That led to you giving up your former home, the one that coincidentally Buck’s sister Maddie had rented from you.

“Luke! You better be awake!” Your voice came from the main floor of the home. Your voice alone seduced the firefight to leave the warm sheets.

His bare feet pattered down the hardwood floor stairs into the kitchen coated in all different kinds of breakfast food. Waffles to imported maple syrup to bacon spread across the counter.

“Morning,” Buck grumbled, stepping up behind you to tug you against his chest.

Unlike Buck’s softer footsteps, your little brother tore down the stairs like a stampede of elephants. Luke wore a vintage band shirt modified sleeveless; you’d be getting a voicemail about dress code violations. The chains hanging off his black jeans.

“You have to hurry, Lu. Buck and I can’t be late. He needs to get to his apart-”

“I don’t see why he doesn’t just move in. He’s here almost every night. He helps buy groceries.” Luke’s hazel eyes stared at the plate he towered food on.

Buck raised one eyebrow in response, “You just moved in. You should be settled before we make-”

“Dude. Your lease is up in like a month; just move in already. No feathers will be ruffled. Besides, the band’s taking off now that Nick got his dad Ryan to check our music out.” Luke sprouted with a beaming smile at the good news his new band received.

After Luke had recovered from that coma, he’d woken up in a world where Alex, Reggie and Bobby, no Trevor, now continued the band. Then when Alex and Reggie couldn’t go on, the rhythm guitarist betrayed Luke. He stole every song he could get his hands on and proved successful.

“Ryan Evans, right? His sister’s some bigshot on Broadway? Sharpay, right?” You questioned recalling in the early 2000s the success of Sharpay and Ryan in some kind of Disney films based on them.

“You’re about to be the sister and brother-in-law of a certified rockstar.” Luke’s attempt at smirking made him look like a chipmunk with full cheeks of food, “I don’t need a ride. Alex’s picking me up.”

“Straight to school, Luke. You’ve got two weeks left before you can leave that behind.” Buck pointed his coffee cup in the direction of the passionate musician. Luke returned a smile of acknowledgement.

The kitchen was quiet as Luke shoved as much food in his mouth in such little time while you watched. In a flash, he’d stuck his dishes in the dishwasher before sprinting out to the van beeping continuously.

“Think we can have you moved in by tomorrow? Your one-bedroom place will be a little cramped for five people.” You simply spoke as you rinsed your coffee cup out. You could hear the wheels in Buck’s brain turning as he thought.

“Five people?”

“Yeah. Luke, Albert, me, you and baby Buckley.”

The entire home went completely still as the announcement bled into the house you’d made a home. One hand resting against the smoothness of your belly. That hand covered by the calloused one of Buck’s. His blue eyes gleaming in utter adoration and excitement.

“Baby Buckley?” Buck marvelled, turning you to face him with tears running down your cheeks, “You’re pregnant?”

“I am. I guess we’re giving Maddie’s daughter a cousin.” You grinned, wrapping your arms around his neck.

“Now I’m obligated to see your parents regularly, and I still grimace at the first introduction.” Buck winced, recalling the foot in mouth syndrome he’d developed.

Buck had never been as nervous as in this moment. Not when he had to tell his parents the first time he got kicked out of college. Or when his teenage self sat beside one of his flings waiting for the results of a pregnancy test. Not even on his first date with Abby. 

“You’ll be fine.” You soothed the anxious man standing by your side on the doorstep of your childhood home. The door opened, revealing Luke standing with a grimace, “Oh Mom, made you wear that.”

Luke had been stuffed into one of the only long-sleeved shirts he owned by your mother. It was a magenta maroon hued corduroy shirt and set off his chocolate hair perfectly. Apparently, your mother hadn’t been able to get him into a pair of pants that weren’t skinny, black or ripped.

“We’re meeting your boyfriend, not the damn Pope-”

“You wouldn’t be wearing that if the Pope was involved.” You retorted, stepping to tug the younger Patterson into your arms. The only thing you adored about your little brother was he never denied a hug. Physical touch is his love language, so he never went through a phase.

“Lucas, don’t let them freeze on the front porch!” Emily shouted from within the Patterson home. Luke rolled his eyes at his mother’s request.

“Luke, this is my boyfriend, Evan Buckley. Buck, this is my not so little brother Luke.” You swiftly introduced the most important males in your life.

Luke and Buck got along better than any previous partner you’d brought home. He got along with your parents really well. Even when he slightly embarrassed himself as the time came to go home, whether it was his place or yours. He kissed your mother’s cheek and shook hands with your father.

“No offence, but thank you for having a heart attack and a coma. If you hadn’t, I’m sure I would have never met Y/N.”

Luke snickered at Buck’s odd choice of words, as did your parents. A part of Buck dreaded the next time he’d see your parents.

The gentle press of lips against your cheek pulled you from your thoughts of the first family dinner. Despite the issues between Luke and your parents, they were great people and parents; Buck had felt like he finally fit in. Even with that awkward thankful he gave your brother and dad, he was family the minute Mitch and Emily saw the mutual looks.

“How are we gonna do this?”

“Well, as the pregnant one, I’ll carry the little Bean until it’s time for them to enter the world. Then we’ll-”

“I get that but with our jobs?”

You felt guilty at the dread of not getting to do what you love, but you were excited, “I’ll keep working as a paramedic. I’ll stay away from fires, and then I’ll go on mat leave. We’ll make this work, Buck.” 

Buck leaned down to rest his forehead against yours with his eyes closed, envisioning how life was about to change. Buck adored children. He had loved Christopher from the moment he’d first met him. Buck himself was a kid at heart. 

“I didn’t think I could fall more in love, but you continue to surprise me each time,” Buck murmured with that gorgeous smile that utterly melted your heart from the first time you saw it. Back when you tried to deny any feelings beyond friendship.

“We’re so lucky to have you, Evan Buckley.” You breathed as you leaned up to kiss him with as much passion as you could. Although it was mostly clashing of teeth with the matching wide grins on your face.

“This little girl is gonna be a heartbreaker but no boyfriends or girlfriends until they’re thirty.” Buck declared, tugging you into his arms. His blue eyes twinkling in the natural lighting.

“It could be a boy.”

“Or maybe neither. Boy, girl or non-binary, I’ll love them just as much.” Buck spoke once more.

Gideon Buckley was born in the early morning to the pride of his parents and extended family. He was a healthy solid 8 pounds with sparse dark blonde hair and the trademark grey-blue newborn eyes. You everyone but Buck and your surprise Gideon wasn’t alone. Grace Buckley followed her older twin brother eight minutes later.

You rested against the propped up pillows spent from the exhausting hours of labour, but it was worth it. The two tiny babies snuggled beneath the swaddling blanket concealing your bare chest. Skin to skin contact was absolutely the best part of being a parent.

“Did you steal a baby?” Chim joked upon entering the hospital room with Maddie in tow. Right behind them were your parents and Luke.

“I’d like you to meet our twins Gideon and Grace Buckley. Surprise!” Buck quietly cheered in the nearly silent room. Buck’s curated newly parents playlist gently playing in the background.

Mitch and Emily came closer to look at the little loves they proudly got to claim as their first grandchildren. Emily’s heart melted upon hearing Gracie coo in her sleep. Grace and Gideon’s fist pressed against each other.

“Congratulations.” Maddie breathed, bending to catch a peek at the twins’ faces.

“Luke. Would you like to meet your goddaughter and godson?” You questioned the nervous musician. The nineteen-year-old tiptoed his way to the hospital bed.

“I’m both their godfather?” Luke choked as soon as Buck gently transferred Gideon onto his uncle’s chest. 

“There’s no one else in the world I’d choose to help guide them in the right direction. You always found your way back onto the right path. You’ll do the same for them.” Buck answered with Gracie nestled on his chest.

 Buck was the first to hold them followed by you and then their godfather Luke.

Gid and Gracie, although unseen, had been in Luke’s graduation pictures and watched as Julie and the Phantoms signed with a record label. Where Gid was, Luke wasn’t far beyond; the special bond melted everyone. Likewise with Gracie and Alex.

Gid overall was a happy baby compared to Grace. Loved visiting the firehouse. Loved the people working with their father and previously their mother. For the entire first year of Gideon and Grace’s life, you stayed at home with the utter support of Buck.

“First day back.” Hen spoke from beside you on the bench in the women’s change room. As a fellow mother, she’d been watching your behaviour.

“I miss them. I feel guilty that I abandoned them-”

“Okay, your feelings are valid, but you aren’t abandoning Gideon or Grace. You’re teaching them that you can be a great mom while also being a badass firefighter. I was the same when I went back to work after we got Denny.”

“Do you ever wish you could be a stay at home mom?”

“I love Denny with my entire heart, but I couldn’t do that. I was meant to be a paramedic firefighter as much as Denny’s mother. Besides, I can see Maddie pushing in the double stroller.”

Your head snapped to see your sister in law beaming with the double stroller carrying Gideon and Grace. Maddie’s daughter sitting on the seat made for a toddler. Maddie and Chimney had come to a decision for Maddie to work part-time.

Hen watched as you bounded out of the changeroom in uniform to scoop the twins into your arms. In a split second, Buck was down the stairs cooing at the absolute loves of his life. His partner and two children.

Buck would forever be grateful for finding his way to the 118, where he found his true family. A place of acceptance, love, trust and loyalty. Buck found his place in the world, and that was beside you.

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[emeren]

birthday boy - eren jaeger

shameless birthday fluff for the boy who deserves a happy ending and a happy birthday 

pairing: eren jaeger x fem!reader 

word count: 2.1k 

content warnings: absolutely none, 100% fluff!

notes: i’m emerging from my request writing hole to post this lil one shot for my love’s birthday. i did not read over this so there may be errors or whatnot, but enjoy!

SUMMARY: reader shows eren what it means to have a good birthday.

eren had never been one for birthdays. 

he’d tried, he’d really tried to love them just as much as everyone else did. he could vividly remember all of the kids in his class bringing in donuts and ice cream and handing out little handmade invitations - invitations he never received. 

after two or three failed birthday parties thrown by carla - birthday parties that only armin and mikasa showed up to - eren had stopped trying. he insisted that he hated march 30th and that it was the worst day of the year. his mom always made a big deal out of it anyway, insisting on taking the three kids out for ice cream and a movie in celebration. 

eren would’ve never admitted it, as his pride was too strong, but he liked the small celebration his mom would throw. just him and his two best friends, building blanket forts and being allowed to watch one PG-13 movie for the special occasion. 

he remembered his tenth birthday being the last one that he even bothered acknowledging. that was the last birthday with his mom, the last birthday that didn’t go forgotten on grisha’s busy schedule. that was the last birthday that he went for ice cream and got to watch a PG-13 movie. 

as he got older, birthdays became less of a big deal to his peers. they weren’t large scale, festive events, but rather small group hangouts that involved getting drunk in a field. some sad, petty part of eren enjoyed watching everyone’s special day become exactly like his had always been: just another of 365. 

he didn’t remember telling you what day he was born. in fact, he was sure he hadn’t told you. it’d been a conversation topic he’d narrowly avoided in the past; lucky enough to have met you around april in order to skip over the awkward ‘oh, it’s my birthday’ chat. 

so he was confused. 

he was confused when he pulled his apartment door open, only to be met with your figure holding a carefully wrapped gift. hell, even eren didn’t realize that it was his birthday. he’d stood there in the doorway, gawking at you with a half-asleep look in his eyes. 

“what’s that for?” he’d asked incredulously, pointing at the gift. you laughed, the sound music to his ears as you slipped into his apartment. 

“happy birthday!” you squealed, setting it down and wrapping your arms around his slim figure. eren frowned for a moment, mind counting through the days of the calendar until they landed on march 30th. oh, i guess it is my birthday.

he hugged you back, eyes still warily focused on the gift. “who told you?” he’d questioned. 

you smiled up at him, placing a light kiss on his cheek. “i have my ways.” 

eren didn’t know what emotion it was that burned in his chest at your soft grin. he desperately wished for it to be annoyance, but it wasn’t, so he resorted to feigning it instead. 

“i’d rather we didn’t make a big deal about it,” he grumbled, slipping from your arms and walking towards his kitchen. he didn’t see the way you rolled your eyes or the way you mocked his voice, only turning around to see you approaching him with a bag he hadn’t previously noticed. 

“that’s alright, i was just going to make you some breakfast, if that’s okay?” eren normally would’ve protested any other special treatment on his birthday, but it wasn’t very unusual for you to cook him a meal. eren had a big stomach, and absolutely no skills in the kitchen. he resorted to shrugging, not wanting to show you the way your suggestion made his heart skip. 

and so he watched you. he watched you flit around the kitchen and make him his favorite breakfast (waffles with strawberries and whipped cream, extra side of bacon). your movements were so mesmerizing he’d nearly forgotten about this rotten day, the day that his younger self had declared the worst of the 365. 

“here, shithead. enjoy your meal,” you hummed playfully, sliding the plateful of food in his direction. eren flipped you off, too hungry to pick a fight as he dove into his meal. 

he tried to ignore the feeling of you staring as he scarfed down his waffle. he’d hoped you wouldn’t say anything else about his birthday. “do you wanna open your gift after we’re done eating?” you’d asked. 

eren paused his feast to look up at you, your eyes focused on your own plate as you waited for a response. he was apprehensive, but decided to take the bait nonetheless. “uh, sure.” 

eren could remember the best gift he’d ever gotten. it had been a handmade terrarium from armin and mikasa for his eighth birthday. they’d gone out in the woods behind their houses and rifled through the bushes and weeds to put together a jar filled with all sorts of creatures and plants. eren’s favorite had been the spider - whom he’d lovingly named peter - as he would catch flies and other small insects to feed to him. he’d been so excited about their cheaply made gift that nothing had ever come close to topping it (not that he ever got much in the ways of gifts, anyway).

as you sat him down on the couch, carefully placing an oblong box in his lap, he was unsure. he loved you, no doubt, but he didn’t know what on earth you could’ve gotten him. 

his previous confusion only grew when he opened the box to find a bundle of wildflowers. they were a mix of baby hues, soft and simple. he looked to you, brow raised in question. 

“flowers?” he’d asked, mind pondering all the possibilities. you laughed lightly in response, standing from your seat next to him. 

“c’mon,” you gestured for him, eyes scanning his bare chest. “go put a shirt on and come with me.” 

eren sighed, standing himself as he set the flowers on the couch. “listen. i love you, i really do. but i would just rather we don’t make a big deal out of today, alright?” 

he watched you roll your eyes, watched you fold your arms over your chest.

“i’m not making a big deal out of today,” you’d responded, a hint of annoyance in your voice. “just go put a shirt on. it’ll just be the two of us.” 

eren talked a lot of game regarding his self-proclaimed willpower, but he would never understand how easily he caved to you. thirty minutes later, he was sitting in the passenger seat of your car, eyes mindlessly gazing out the window with the bundle of flowers in his lap. 

you were playing his favorite music, humming along as your fingers tapped against the steering wheel. he’d just stared at you, admiring your beauty as you turned up a desolate road that he’d been too focused on you to recognize.

it wasn’t until the car stopped; surrounded by newly blooming flowers and freshly greening trees, did he piece together where he was.

“mom?” he’d breathed, eyes glancing out the window. you just smiled in response, unbuckling your seatbelt and getting out of the car. eren looked down at the bundle of flowers in his lap, wildflowers, his mom’s favorite. 

in that moment he felt like crying. sure, he’d cried on his birthday before, but this was different. it was a cry of appreciation, one that burned in his chest as you impatiently pulled his door open. he was quick to blink the tears away, putting up a front as he got out himself. 

his mom’s cemetery was atop a hill, located away from the city amongst the trees and wildlife. he remembered picking it for her because of how freeing it felt - it was more of a place for remembrance that mourning. he knew that was what his mom would’ve wanted. 

eren showed his appreciation by wrapping your hand in his, intertwining your fingers as the two of you approached his mom’s headstone. 

“what made you think of this?” he’d asked quietly, setting the bundle of flowers right beneath her name carved within the granite stone. he remained kneeled in front of it; long fingers coming up to trace the words. he’d been surprised by your answer. 

“i know you hate your birthday,” you’d started, watching the moment in front of you. “and i know your mom was the only person that ever tried to make you enjoy it. i hope it wasn’t insensitive of me to bring you here? i just thought maybe you’d want to spend the day here with her.” 

and there it was again: that burning within his chest. he pulled his fingers back from the cold stone, relieved you couldn’t see the mix of emotions on his face. it was on the contrary. he’d never had someone think of him this way, think of what he truly wanted to do. he smiled as he stood to face you. 

“thank you.” he’d said sincerely, wrapping his arms around you and kissing the crown of your head.

the two of you sat for hours, hands wrapped together as eren told stories about his mom and talked to her gravestone as if she were really there, too. he talked about his tenth birthday; how his mom had rented some barely scary movie, but how armin couldn’t sleep for weeks following their watch. he talked about the time mikasa had beaten up one of the popular kids for only excluding eren from his birthday party. before he knew it, he was wrapped up in stories upon stories. 

all too fast, the sun began to dip past the horizon. the two of you stood from the grass, pants slightly damp with mud but neither of you cared. eren leaned down, pressing his lips to the stone as a parting goodbye - something he’d started doing as a kid. 

as you drove away, eren felt content with how the day had gone. he watched the sunset from the window, face flushed and a small smile on his lips. he enjoyed the sweet moment, but couldn’t help the perverted thought that crossed his mind. he’d never had birthday sex before, and oh boy was he excited to try. 

the car stopped outside of his apartment, the two of you walking up to the door hand in hand. he grabbed his keys, about to unlock the handle when you stopped him. 

he loved when you looked at him like that. when your eyes were big and doe-like, filled with a mix of adoration and excitement. your hands carefully wrapped around his jaw, pulling his lips down to meet yours in a tender, warm kiss. 

he could feel his heart clench at the action, pulling away with a smile on his face. “what was that for?” 

“i just love you, ‘s’all.” you hummed in response, motioning for him to open the door. eren hated that you could make him blush, looking away with a playful roll of his eyes. 

he wasn’t expecting what waited for him behind the door. 

with the flick of the light switch, all of his friends popped up from around the apartment, yelling ‘surprise!’. his eyes widened in shock, a large banner that read off ‘happy birthday eren!’, but the words were all scrunched together at the end, the banner not large enough. 

“connie made that!” armin explained hurriedly, as if noticing the way eren’s eyes traced over the decoration. eren couldn’t help the burning in his chest as he looked at all of his closest friends. 

sasha, connie, jean, mikasa, armin, you. you, who had clearly planned this all. eren wasn’t ever very sappy, at least not since he was in high school. but the burning in his chest had become too much to bear, overwhelmed by all of the decorations and confetti, and thoughtfulness. 

he looked at you, tears in his eyes. he’d never had a big party before. he’d always wanted one, and here it was. “thank you.” 

“goddammit, this is what you get for taking him to the cemetery before his surprise party!” jean yelled, pointing at his friend. “i don’t think i’ve seen you cry since you were an annoying ass teenager!” 

“oh, shut the fuck up,” eren replied lightheartedly, embracing each of his friends. he wasn’t even embarrassed to cry. it’d been so long since he’d felt so loved. 

and so you all sat, eating ice cream and watching a horror movie. eren was in the middle, you curled up on his one side and armin on the other. as all of his friends enjoyed his birthday, squealing at the unnecessary gore, he couldn’t help but smile. 

maybe march 30th wasn’t the worst day, afterall.

<3 <3 <3 

[silkenstarlight]

wild cherry sweet (part two)

Summary: Reader is distracted as she and Bucky prepare to embark on their mission at the GRC’s private gala. Bucky decides to help ease her tension.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x female reader

Warning/s: smut (18+ only, minors dni!); public sex, oral (f receiving), fingering, kissing, brief mention of sugar daddy

Word count: 3.9k

Find part one here

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Author’s note: i didn’t plan a part two for this, but tbh bucky is not the type to let a woman pleasure him without even trying to reciprocate on her

Do not repost! Likes and reblogs are welcome and encouraged :))

“Glasses? Really?”

You pressed your lips together tightly, scrutinizing Bucky’s lackadaisical efforts at putting together a disguise: wayfarer eyeglasses with a thick tortoiseshell frame that pressed awkwardly against his brow bone. You leaned across the center console of the car, and when you reached up to his face, he smiled dopily at you, expecting some loving, gentle caress. But, when you ripped the tag off of the glasses he had just bought at the pharmacy, his jaw clenched, lips turning downward into a chagrined frown. You settled behind the wheel again. 

He seemed strangely excited about the prospect of donning a costume for the mission, so unlike his usual disgruntled self. Even so, his efforts at disguise were last-minute and low-effort. Earlier, before you had left the apartment to drive to the gala’s discreet venue, he had flattened his hair onto his forehead in an uncharacteristic style, reminiscent of the neatly-combed 60’s mop-tops donned by the likes of Ringo Starr. And, when you were slinging on your heels, ready to walk out of the door, he had asked you to dust some eyeshadow below his eyes. He explained that exaggerated dark circles would help to draw his face down and make him appear slightly older. 

You obliged, trying not to let the breath stall in your throat as you traced a cool taupe shade below his eyes in faint crescents. You couldn’t ignore the fact that his eyes were trained on you the whole time.

The way his eyes followed your every move had made you suddenly shy and docile, even though just minutes before, you had been on your knees in front of him, his cock shoved down your throat. After he came, he had brought you up from your knees to a standing position, and had kissed you with the fervor of a man who was just getting started. 

But, you had a mission. Which you were already late for.

You had fixed your hair and lipstick quickly after he had tucked himself back into his pants, a brush and a damp tissue working wonders to conceal your tryst. And then, you were both out of the door, climbing into your car and plugging the gala’s location into Google maps.

But, first, he had insisted on making a stop. You groaned, clutching the wheel tightly as he directed you through traffic towards a pharmacy a few blocks away from the venue. You parallel parked and he jumped out of the car, jaunting into the store with bouncing, confident steps. You left the engine running, eager to get to the gala. The sooner your mission was over, after all, the sooner you could both return to the apartment and resume where you left off.

The thought made you ache, the wetness pooling in your underwear momentarily making you forget the jittery tapping of your foot and the sweat that slicked the creases of your palms. Your stomach flipped when you remembered the blissed-out expression on Bucky’s face as your mouth had bobbed up and down his length, lips popping with a lewd smack as you pulled back--

The passenger door opened and Bucky climbed in with a plastic bag in hand, interrupting your daydreaming and making you jump.

He noticed, settling in his seat and shutting the car door behind him.“Pre-mission jitters?” He asked knowingly.

“Uh-- yeah.” You blushed, choosing not to elaborate.

He simply gave you a smirk, as if he could read your every thought, and pulled his purchase from the plastic bag. A pair of reading glasses. He slid them on, and you scoffed.

“Glasses? Really?” You lightly whacked his arm, laughing. “Who are you, Clark Kent?”

He shrugged. “Well, it seemed to work for him just fine.”

“Alright, just don’t come complaining to me when the magnification in the lenses starts giving you a headache.”

“Noted.”

You pulled out from your parking spot and rejoined traffic, hoping to find a parking space closer to the venue. You didn’t want to use the valet, just in case things went south and you needed a convenient means of escape. So, when you were two blocks away, you parked.

You both climbed out, stepping up to the sidewalk and locking the car as you began to walk. You smoothed your hands nervously over the skirt of your dress, breath slightly shaky. Missions like these were a part of the job description, but you would never get used to the nerves they gave you.

Or, maybe, the possibility of impending doom wasn’t what was giving you nerves.

Maybe it was the man walking next to you.

You bit your lip at the thought, turning your head to look at him.

“What?” he asked, still facing ahead, surveying the streets around them for possible exit points they could use if the evening went south.

You just shook your head, pushing the thought to the back of your mind. It wasn’t safe to get distracted like this, on a night as potentially dangerous as this one. Instead, you surveyed his body language, noticing that he had adopted a slouch to accompany his floppy hair, gaunt makeup, and glasses.

You snorted. “You look like an old man.”

“I am an old man, thank you very much.” His eyes slid to yours briefly, before facing forwards again.

“Never said it was a bad thing,” you smirked, trying to get a rise out of him before the serious portion of the evening officially began.

He grabbed your wrist suddenly, pulling you flush to his side and wrapping his arm around you.“Oh, I know that you like it,” he whispered, lips brushing against your hair. You felt your throat constrict, and he squeezed your waist before letting you go. “But we’ll have to save that part of the evening for later.”

“If you insist,” you sighed, lacing your voice with faux disappointment, knowing that if there was even a whiff of foul play at tonight’s event, you would both be cool, composed, and on the job, lewd thoughts far from center stage. But, it was fun to tease him, to hope that the gala would be tame, just so that you could go home sooner and do some not-so-tame things with each other.

The venue was a stocky cement building, gray and brutal and unassuming, the windows surprisingly dark. The only indication that it housed a private event was the presence of two guards, their bulky, muscled figures situated on either side of a nondescript metal door. You grabbed Bucky’s hand, fingers intertwining with his, and took a deep breath before you approached the guards.

You cleared your throat. “We’re here for the GRC event.” You clenched your jaw as both guards swept their gazes up and down your’s and Bucky’s bodies.

“Last name?” The one on the right asked gruffly, not bothering to look at your faces, pulling a tablet computer from behind his back to check the guest list.

“Jancovik. Daria Jancovik.” Your voice was steady despite the nerves, the fake name rolling off your tongue.

The guard raised his eyebrows and looked up, stepping to the side and gesturing to the door. “Ah, of course. Miss Jancovik.”

You smiled warmly. Your plan had worked. The real Daria Jancovik, a foreign informer who reported migrants to the GRC, leading to eventual deportation, was on… vacation. You had paid her an earlier visit, advising her to leave the country, to return home and visit her family instead of attending the gala. Bucky had advised you against this approach, claiming that it was too risky, that it would be better to just find a way to sneak in. But, you told him, it was better to enter where the GRC would least expect: the front door. And, it looked like the real Daria Jancovik took your advice-- she obviously wasn’t here.

“Thank you, sir.” You nodded slightly, leading Bucky behind you, hand still clutching his.

“Wait, Miss Jancovik.” The guard barred your entry with an outstretched arm. “The guest list doesn’t say anything about you having a plus one.”

Fuck. You tried not to let your brows furrow, tried to quash the electric feeling of panic that traveled down your spine. You bit your lip and broke into a shy simper, staring up at the guard through fluttering lashes.

“Oh, so sorry, sir,” you drawled slowly, voice dripping with apology. But, your voice shook, a slight tremor belying your confident tone and drawing a suspicious glare from both guards. You hadn’t planned for this. Your palms began sweating again, and your thoughts ran wild, searching for any plausible alibis that would explain your companion. But you couldn’t focus, thoughts erratic and shapeless. Your mouth dropped open, ready to babble some thoughtless, on-the-spot response, when Bucky cleared his throat next to you.

“Sir, I am what you may call a… generous donor.” He enunciated his last words carefully, adopting some strange, implacable and vaguely European accent. His words lilted and swirled lightly in his mouth, further elaborating his mysterious presence.

In spite of this, the guards weren’t convinced. “If you’re not on the list, I can’t let you in.”

Bucky simply stared back at him and squinted, deciding to try a more blunt angle. “I have a previous arrangement with this young woman. I… help her with personal causes. Of a financial nature. And, I was hoping to witness her fine employer in action tonight. I am… willing to spread my generosity to its cause, if I find it to be convincing.” You tried to conceal the awe that threatened to spill on your face at his quick save. And, you wanted to laugh at the insinuation that Bucky was your sugar daddy, some stuffy, lonely old man with heavy pockets brimming with cash. In reality, he struggled to pay rent and didn’t own a bed frame. It was comical, watching him trying to swallow his inner protests at the idea, managing his microexpressions with a steady, slightly uncomfortable stare.

You both paused, letting the guard’s mind wander. 

His eyes flickered to his partner briefly before settling back on you. 

The guard considered for a moment, and then simply nodded, avoiding further elaboration from you about your relationship. He stepped aside again. “Enjoy your night.”

You smiled sweetly at him before stepping past him and opening the door, tugging Bucky behind you.

“Wow,” you muttered as the door creaked shut behind you. A looming, dark passage stretching out before you, the dimly lit, bright red door at the end your final barrier to successfully infiltrating the gala. The thrumming pulse of music seemed to make the walls vibrate. You looked at Bucky, and he dropped your hand, flexing his fingers. “The plan actually worked.”

He laughed, and you both started walking toward the red door. “Only because my old man costume came in handy.”

“Well, like you said earlier,” you hissed. “You are an old man.”

He just shook his head slightly at your recall, and when you were both a foot away from the red door’s threshold, you paused. You did a mental check on your weapons, ticking them off on your mental checklist one by one. Handgun in thigh holster, check. Knife in ankle strap, check. Baggie of poison tablets in bra, check--

“You ready?” Bucky’s voice interrupted your last-minute internal review, and you turned to face him. His concerned expression ignited a whole new kind of nerves in your stomach, warm, fluttery electricity travelling down your limbs like lightning. It was a delicious feeling, and you longed to lean into it, to allow yourself to be cocooned by its enticing, buzzing embrace. To allow your tense muscles to relax, to press your body against his, melting into the muscled, statuesque contours and comforting stability of his body. 

You were most definitely distracted, but that’s because you hadn’t had a proper outlet for your pre-mission jitters. Sucking his cock, watching him devolve into a euphoric, aroused state, had only gotten you more worked up than you usually were before missions. You felt embarrassment bubble in your stomach, a deep red blush travelling up your neck at the thought that you couldn’t control yourself in this moment. Your judgement was clouded, all because you couldn’t fucking function around a man like Bucky Barnes.

Bucky grabbed your chin and tilted your face up to look at him. “What’s wrong?”

You felt bad, noticing the genuine concern behind his eyes, but figured it was best to tell him. You didn’t want to lie and endanger the rest of the mission with your preoccupied thoughts. “Umm-- this doesn’t usually happen, but… I’m a bit… distracted.”

“What’s on your mind?”

You huffed a laugh and bit your lip, trying to gain the courage to tell him the truth. “Uh-- I guess I’m still… still stuck on what happened earlier tonight. Before we left the apartment?” You said it like a question, sentence nervously trailing up in pitch at the end.

His expression was unreadable, the pressing dark of the hallway leaving his face in shadow. But then, his teeth flashed in a broad smile. “I remember what happened,” he said fondly, as if you two were reminiscing on a shared memory before entering battle together. “But what’s holding you up about it right now?”

You took a deep breath. Time to come clean. “I’m just still a bit worked up.”

He raised his brows slightly in surprise, then nodded, face settling into an expression of understanding. “That makes sense. You didn’t get your release.”

“Yeah.” Your voice broke around the single syllable, your blush now flooding your cheeks.

“Well,” he said, dropping his hand from your chin and tracing his fingertips lightly along the curve of your neck, trailing them down your spine until settling at your waist. He squeezed slightly, making you gasp. “How quickly could you cum? If I helped you right now?”

You blinked in disbelief, shocked by his vulgar words, but when he just continued to stare at you expectantly, waiting for a response, you realized that he was serious. You scoffed. “I-- I don’t know. Probably pretty quickly.”

“Good.” He pushed you back, your exposed skin meeting the cool cement of the wall, pounding beats and indistinguishable lyrics pulsing through you to your very core. He stared at you for a moment, drinking in your neediness and saving the image of your blown-out pupils and parted lips for later. And then, he bridged the gap between you, resting his forehead against yours before pressing his mouth lightly against yours.

The kiss was surprisingly soft, despite your admission to a desire so pressing, so consuming, that you couldn’t focus on your job. And then, his teeth grazed against your bottom lip, catching it in a faint, erotic bite. You couldn’t help but moan into his mouth, nipples peaking and wetness pooling in your underwear. You felt his lips curve upwards into a smug smile. You simply pulled him closer, sliding your hands up his chest and wrapping your arms around his neck. He took that as an invitation to push the kiss further, his tongue sliding against your swollen lips, softly prying your mouth open. He was sweet, so gentle and patient, but a sense of urgency drove his actions. He wanted to help you, so that you could release that burning tension coiled inside of you. You had treated him so nicely earlier that evening. He hoped to return the favor. Well, that and he also wanted to watch you cum. 

You shuddered another moan into his mouth and he pulled back a fraction, hands tracing down your sides. He grasped the slinky fabric of your dress, pulling the skirt up until it was bunched around your hips, exposing your thin underwear to the cool air and solid press of cement behind you. He let out a low whistle at the sight, the delicate black lace and your soft skin.

You grabbed his wrist, sudden doubt blaring in your brain. “W-wait. What about the mission?”

He simply met your gaze with his, maintaining eye contact while he slowly sunk to his knees in front of you. He twisted his wrist out from your grip, wrapping his hand around one of your ankles and lifting your leg, bringing it up to rest on his shoulder. Your heart pounded in your chest.

“Yeah? What about the mission?” 

You could feel his hot breath against your clothed pussy as he answered, his voice low and rumbly in his chest. You pressed your head into the wall behind you, trying to fight the urge to twine your hands through his hair and beckon him to where you needed him most. Despite your weak protests, you desperately hoped that he would continue his actions. “Shouldn’t we--”

Your words trailed off into a long, loud moan as he quickly moved your underwear to the side and licked a long, wet stripe up your aching slit. He pulled back slightly to look up at you, and he hummed, pleased at your desperation, your knotted brows rosy cheeks. 

“It’s alright, darling.” He scraped his fingernails teasingly up your other leg, chuckling as it buckled under you at the unexpected stimulation. And then, he settled that hand on your inner thigh, pressing his thumb against the soft skin and circling it lightly in a teasing massage. “We’ll make it quick.”

He waited for you to consent before continuing. You just nodded, not trusting yourself to form words, and he smiled wickedly before dragging his fingers against your wetness and plunging two digits into your center.

You gasped at the sudden intrusion, his thick fingers igniting a pleasant ache as they pushed inside of you, stroking your tight walls slowly until they relaxed around him. When he leaned forward, closing his mouth against your clit and flicking it with his tongue, you sighed. He lapped at your wetness eagerly, lips making an obscene smacking sound. You felt your muscles relax, that enticing, stirring warmth quickly travelling through your body as he teased you into a state of relaxed arousal.

He pulled back yet again to look at you, and you wanted to moan at the loss of his tongue, but he replaced it by circling the pad of his thumb against your sensitive nub. He noticed your hands, balled tightly at your sides, and he laughed. 

“You can grab my hair if you want, baby. I don’t mind if everyone in there sees that I have sex hair.” He jutted his chin towards the door as he increased the pace of his fingers thrusting inside of you.

That permission was all you needed. You reached forward and twined one hand through his hair, bringing his face closer to you and inviting him to continue his earlier ministrations. Your other hand remained rooted against the wall, a necessary point of balance as he made you fall apart at his command. He replaced his mouth at your center, making you shudder.

It was warm, it was rough, and it was everything you needed. You tried not to think about the risk of intrusion, of the guards outside letting in other guests and getting an eyeful of a private moment. Or, if someone opened the red door and wandered in, they would be right on top of you, close enough to smell the musk of your arousal and see the pebbled peaks of your nipples pressing through the satin of your dress. It would be humiliating. Bucky would never let you live it down, forever reminding you on future missions about the time when you were caught with your legs wrapped around his ears. But, if you were being honest with yourself, the thought of someone walking in and witnessing you, drenched and dirty and moaning all because of him, only served to turn you on even more. A loud moan erupted from your lips, wetness squelching as he curled his fingers inside of you and sucked lewdly. You pulled his hair tightly, urging him on as you came closer and closer to completion.

In response to the sharp tugging of your fingers, he moaned, echoing the shameless sounds that were tumbling from your lips. The faint vibrations, the low, gruff sound of him as he lost himself in the endeavor of giving you pleasure, made you clench around him. A glowing pool of warmth began to form in your stomach, tension building and building. You bit your lip. The feeling of his mouth, sliding and sucking against your clit, and the sensation of his fingers spreading you open and coaxing sweet, high-pitched moans from your lips. It was almost too much. You slapped the wall with your free hand, twitching with pleasure as a deep, burning tension began to build.When his curled fingers rubbed against the spongy, sensitive spot inside of you, that was it.

With a high, keening cry, you fell over the edge, your orgasm wracking your body. A copious gush of wetness flooded from your center, likely drenching his face, and your legs trembled, threatening to buckle beneath you. He sensed this, his free hand pressing your hips roughly against the wall, still thrusting his fingers inside of you and suckling your clit. He fucked you through your orgasm, wringing every last ounce of warm, dripping pleasure from your body, not slowing down or stopping until a dull, tired ache bloomed in your center and you had to pull him back by his hair. He grinned up at you, making eye contact with you through his lashes, a slick wetness clinging to his upper lip. He huffed a laugh at the reluctant sucking sound your pussy made when he slipped his fingers out.

You rolled your eyes and he guided your leg off of his shoulder, making sure it was planted firmly on the ground before moving your underwear neatly back into place. He rose from his kneeling position. As he grasped your waist, your skirt fell back down around you in a dramatic curtain, and he pulled you close, kissing you lightly. The taste of you on his lips was intoxicating.

He pulled back slightly, resting his forehead against yours, and stared at you with a half-lidded, deeply satisfied expression. He had liked making you come apart just as much as you had appreciated the release.

“Uh oh,” he whispered, grabbing your chin and examining your face. “Looks like we ruined your lipstick again.”

You laughed, a raspy, tired sound, and smacked his chest lightly, stepping back. “Well,” you sighed, smiling up at him. “I don’t mind. I’ll go straight to the bathroom to fix it. Brought an extra tube of lipstick in my purse for any… potential touch-ups.”

He raised his eyebrows, smoothing a hand over his mussed hair and straightening the cuffs of his sleeves. “Sounds like you planned for this to happen.”

You shook your head. “Only subconsciously.”

He grinned, and you both turned to face the red door. Despite the fact that just moments before, you were writhing around his fingers, wanton moans swallowed by the diffused thump of techno music, you felt serene, ready to jump into action. No more distracting thoughts clouded your mind.

“Ready?” He asked, reaching for the knob, waiting for your confirmation before continuing.

You nodded in affirmation and smiled, eyes crinkling. 

“Ready.”

He turned the knob and swung the door open. You walked through the doorway side by side, partners in crime, ready to meet whatever awaited you beyond its threshold.

[collecting-stories]

Jealous - Luke Patterson

Summary: You bring a friend to a concert with you and Luke gets the wrong idea. 

A/N: this it like, alive!Luke, it’s also like 3k long 😭😭

Julie and the Phantoms Masterlist

✰ ✰ ✰ ✰

Luke pouted, leg twitching as he looked around the small venue that Alex had booked them that night. The doors had only just opened and people were beginning to stream in. They’d played shows before but Luke was still surprised watching people come through the doors. He honestly couldn’t believe anyone had bought tickets. There was no doubt in Luke’s mind that they were the greatest band ever but seeing other people agree with that sentiment always made him feel like he was on cloud nine. Hanging a little over the second-floor balcony of the venue, watching every person that walked through the door, he wanted to be excited but his nerves had nothing to do with the show tonight.  

“Would you chill man?” Alex chided, tapping Luke’s arm with a bottle of water. “She’ll be here.”

“She hasn’t missed a performance yet.” Reggie pointed out, spinning on a stool that he’d nabbed from the bar.

“Yeah, I know that.” Luke insisted, standing up but glancing back over his shoulder, “she said she’d make it before doors though...”

Ever since Julie had started playing with the guys, you had started hanging around more. You were embarrassed to say but you and Julie had been little more than friendly neighbors before she’d starting renting out her garage for band practice. The first time you’d heard the loud music coming from the Molina’s yard you’d gone to inspect and found the doors open and a band rehearsing inside. Needless to say, it was that first meeting that had cemented yours and Luke’s relationship. Not exactly more than friends but certainly not just friends. The more you came around the more the two of you danced around your feelings for each other and the more you neglected your other friends.  

-

“Just, don’t say anything to the guys-”

“You mean, don’t say anything to Luke.” Julie countered, standing at her locker with you in between classes. Tonight, was the show at the Voltage Lounge and they’d been stoked about it since they got the gig. You would’ve been equally stoked, and you were, until you realized it was also your best friend’s birthday and you had promised to get dinner together.  

“Look, I’ll be there, before doors, I promise. But I’ve kinda been ditching my other friends lately and I promised Mikey that we’d get dinner for his birthday.” You replied, shutting your locker and walking with Julie toward the music room.  

“Don’t you think not telling Luke you’re going out with another guy would be worse than saying you’re gonna be a little late to the show?” Julie countered. She grabbed a seat by Flynn and you sat on the other side, leaning forward to keep the conversation going.  

“I just don’t want him thinking I’m ditching the performance okay, me and Mikey are just friends...as are me and Luke.” You replied, though even saying it sounded like a lie. You knew as well as Julie and Flynn that you were avoiding mentioning the dinner because you didn’t want Luke to get the wrong idea.  

“You tell yourself that.” Flynn chided, pulling a face at you, clearly not believing you at all.  

“We are.”

“Yeah, and anytime he sings anything even slightly romantic he looks right at you.”

“It’s true,” Julie piped up, “he’s been coming up with a lot more love songs recently. Whenever I ask him about it he just says he wants us to have a balanced song pool or something.”  

“We’re not a thing.” You insisted. “I’m going to dinner and then I’ll be at the show...simple as that. Just, don’t say anything.”  

Julie agreed, throwing out some lame excuse about you having to go over your grandparents’ house before the show as a reason that you weren’t going to the venue with them like you usually did. Getting booked somewhere as a headliner was still fairly new to them and you always liked to be there in the moments before the show started, an extra person to reassure them that they completely and totally deserved all of this.  

While you didn’t think your absence would be felt too exponentially, it definitely was. Luke had been unusually antsy since they’d gotten there. He was always eager to get onstage but this was different, he kept looking over the railing as if he was going to hurl and rush out of the venue. Reggie tried reassuring him that everything was fine but nothing seemed to calm his nerves.  

“Hey, ten minutes alright, start getting ready,” one of the crew said, scribbling something on his clipboard.

“Okay, thanks.” Julie nodded, looking back over the railing as he left, the calm she was trying to portray immediately washing away when she saw you walk into the venue. Any other time she would’ve been jumping for joy but you weren’t alone and she could only assume that the guy with you was the Mikey you had mentioned earlier in the day. “So we should-” as she turned to address them, hopefully distract Luke, Reggie caught sight of you in the crowd.

“Look!” He nudged Luke’s arm, pointing you out, “she made it.”

Julie grimaced as Luke looked over the balcony and down into the crowd. It took him a moment to find you but Julie and Alex could pinpoint the exact moment that he did. A flicker of happiness at the sight of you, quickly washed away and turned into, first confusion, and then something akin to anger. He frowned, eyebrows furrowing as he watched you get a spot on his side, talking the whole time to the guy with you.  

“Who the fuck is that?” He asked.  

You had told Julie that your plan was to go, get through dinner with Mikey, and then come straight to the venue for the show. A simple enough evening, and you’d expected it to go off without a hitch except Mikey got curious about who you were texting and guilted you into inviting him along.  

“So, this band?” Mikey asked, looking around the small venue, “how’d you become a groupie?”

“I’m not a groupie. Julie and I are friends.” You stressed, scrunching your nose up as the lights dimmed and the people around you screamed in excitement.  

The anticipation was palpable and, truthfully, you were right there with the other concert goers around you, excited by the prospect of seeing Julie and the Phantoms perform live. It wasn’t something that was new for you, a front row seat to all their rehearsals was part of your everyday life and yet, something about seeing them perform live like this, with a crowd that so responsive to them, only added to the adrenaline coursing through you.  

As the guys ran out on stage, Alex, then Reggie, then Luke, and finally Julie, the noise level around you seemed to pick up. But there was something off, something that didn’t quite sync with you that settled as the first chords sounded. You frowned, realizing, as Luke purposely missed you when he scanned the crowd, exactly what it was that you were feeling. It wasn’t accidental in the slightest, Julie met your gaze more than once and so did Reggie and Alex but Luke was ignoring you. He was very intentionally ignoring you standing there in the very front row, pressed against the barricade in front of him.

It was as if someone had knocked all the air out of your chest. Somehow that loud, crowded venue where you could feel the bass pounding in your stomach, felt empty. You felt small and invisible and even when Mikey shouted in your ear that they were actually an awesome band you lacked the excitement to tell him that they were the best band ever. You just nodded. And as much as you wanted to look away from Luke, a silent “two can play at this game”, you didn’t. Instead, you just kept watching him, waiting for him to look your way and somehow explain what was going on that had him acting like you didn’t exist.  

-

The encore ended, the boys each running off the stage before Julie, Luke standing at the side waiting for her as she waved one last time to the crowd before setting the mic back in its stand and running off. The mass of people who had been screaming lulled into a buzz, some of them leaving as others lingered, waiting for the band to come back out to sign autographs and take pictures.  

You walked Mikey to the merch table while other people hung around chatting with each other, the house lights up so that you could actually see as you walked. Flynn stood behind the table and she waved when she saw you.  

“I’ll catch you later, thanks for letting me tag along.” He said, hanging at the door for a minute.

“Yeah totally, thanks for coming. Happy birthday,” you hugged him and then circled back to Flynn, stepping behind the table and sitting down on the stool.  

“Girl, you do not seem happy.” Flynn commented as she grabbed a sweatshirt from one of the boxes and handed it across the table to a fan.  

“I’m just...” you shrugged, looking back down toward the stage, “confused?”  

“Did something happen with Mikey?” She asked.  

You handed a shirt from one of the bins to her as she rung up a sale, jumping in to ask a few people what they needed as she waited on a group of girls. When they had all finally dispersed, the line lulling for a moment, you turned back to Flynn, “no...I mean other than him inviting himself along. No, it was Luke...he was like, it sounds dumb to say it but, it was like he was ignoring me.”

“Maybe he didn’t see you?” She suggested, attempting to be reassuring.  

“He saw me. Then he just, acted like he didn’t the whole rest of the night.” You replied, “I don’t know...it felt shitty.”

“You know who you should tell that to?”

“Luke?” You asked, already knowing her answer. Flynn was the queen of confrontation.  

“Exactly.”

You frowned, the last thing you wanted to do was talk to Luke. If he was going to ignore you the way he had on stage, Flynn had been trying to make you feel better but you knew he was avoiding you for some reason. He always made it a point to find you in the crowd but tonight he had looked anywhere but you.  

A few straggling fans shouted excitedly and you looked passed the table to see that the guys and Julie had come out from backstage for meet and greets. As they spread out to talk to people, Reggie moved toward the merch stand, parking himself close enough to you that he could chat with you without drawing too much attention. You knew it was on purpose, that was usually Luke’s spot but tonight he stayed all the way down by the stage, almost reluctant to be out on the floor.  

“Hey, great job.” You mentioned, grabbing a water bottle from under the table and handing it to Reggie. He took it gratefully, taking a sip before setting it on the floor beside him and beginning to greet the group of fans that had hung back to say hello to him.  

When there was a spare minute between signing and taking pictures, he moved down the table, closer to you then before, leaning against a bare patch of wood where Flynn had already cleared away shirts. “Who was that guy you came with?” Reggie asked, looking back at you as you took one of the larger hoodies out of a box and pulled it on. Without the people, the venue had started to get cold.  

“My friend Mikey, it was his birthday and he’s been bugging me to hang out. He tagged along really and I didn’t wanna ditch him...” you replied, coming around the side of the table, “I didn’t really think it’d be an issue.”

“Oh, it's not with me. We need all the fans we can get right?” Reggie joked, “did he like our music?”

“Yeah, totally loved it.”  

The last of the concert goers finally made it to the door, waving to Reggie one last time as they walked passed the closed down merch stand. He waved back and you turned to watch them leave, back to the stage.  

“Hey, can we talk?” Luke’s voice came from behind you and you looked over your shoulder to him, standing there with his plaid jacket over a black band tee. His hair was pushed off his forehead from sweat and he was frowning already, not exactly the version of him you wanted to talk to. You couldn’t help that longing feeling for the Luke that would come off stage and wrap you in a sweaty hug guaranteed to piss of fans.  

“Uh yeah, of course...I need to talk to you too.” You replied, turning fully toward him as Reggie stood up, grabbing his water and heading back down toward the stage. Flynn came around the merch stand, following after him, leaving you and Luke alone.  

A beat passed between you and he ran his hand through his hair, trying and failing to fix the sweaty mess. Unable to stand the silence, you started talking, “you guys were awesome...as usual.”  

“Yeah, thanks.” He had asked to talk to you but he wasn’t really sure how to start the conversation he wanted to have and he couldn’t bring himself to really meet your eyes, his gaze flickering passed you every few seconds.  

“Would’ve been even better if you weren’t ignoring me all night,” you blurted.  

That seemed to be the push he needed to react, “yeah well, you brought some date with you? After the other night...” he trailed off for a moment, meeting your eyes finally, “I mean, that wasn’t nothing.”

-

Band practice had ended earlier than usual and, while you sat on the couch trying to win a particularly difficult level of candy crush on Luke’s phone, everybody else discussed a pizza run for dinner. You raised your hand to vote for extra cheese but didn’t look up when Julie left to go and Reggie and Alex walked out onto the driveway to play basketball. You didn’t look up until Luke dropped down on the couch next to you, putting his chin on your shoulder.

“How’s it going?” He asked, keeping his eyes on his phone screen as you turned your head, so close that your nose almost brushed his cheek.  

“Good?” You said, drawing the word out as you looked at him skeptically, “can I ask why you’re so close to me?”  

“So, you can bask in my awesomeness?” Luke teased, wrapping his arm around your waist.  

“I think the only thing I’m basking in is your post-rehearsal sweat.” You joked, shifting a little so that his chin fell off your shoulder and you were facing him. You set his phone down on the coffee table, giving your whole attention to Luke.  

He smiled at you, eyes searching yours. There was no denying that very specific look that Luke seemed to get, one you could never quite name but always recognized. He would smile, a soft sort of piercing look that you couldn’t look away from on his face. And you were always hypnotized by it, feeling like maybe you should distract yourself from it but never really wanting to.  

“What are we doing?” You chanced asking, meeting his gaze and holding it.

“What’da ya mean?” He asked, grin still on his face and you felt like he’d gotten closer but you didn’t move.

“You’re staring at me.”

“You’re staring at me.” He echoed.  

“Luke.” You wanted to roll your eyes but you also didn’t want to look away, even for a split second.  

He leaned closer, the joking air that had been dissipating completely gone now. You licked your lips, trying to keep yourself calm as Luke moved in. One second, he was looking at you and the next your eyes were closing, his lips pressed against yours and his grip on your waist tightening.  

The kiss didn’t last long. The doors to the garage creaked open and you both pulled away, looking anywhere but at each other as Julie walked in with pizza. Alex and Reggie came in behind her and Luke stood up, grabbing a stack of magazines off the coffee table and moving them out of the way. You picked up his phone, unlocking it and opening candy crush again to distract yourself.  

-

Neither of you had discussed the kiss, mostly because you were too afraid that if you brought it up he would tell you that it was just a mistake. Some spur of the moment thing that happened but that he didn’t really mean. You hadn’t even told Julie or Flynn about it.  

But now you were standing at the empty merch table with him and he was acting like you had purposely tried to hurt him. A ‘date’ he had called it and all at once you realized exactly what he thought had happened.  

“No, no,” you shook your head, “Mikey wasn’t a date.”  

“You didn’t say you were bringing Mikey with you to our show.” Luke replied, your best friend’s name rolling off his tongue like a curse.  

“He was bugging me about not hanging out recently and it’s his birthday so we were supposed to go out for dinner but I kept mentioning you…the band…and he wanted to come to the show.” You tried to explain.  

“Why didn’t you just tell me?” It was stupid to ask, technically you didn’t owe him any explanation at all. You could bring whoever you wanted but he couldn’t help feeling affronted by it.  

“I didn’t want you to think I was gonna ditch the show. And…I didn’t want you to think it was a date.” You replied. “The kiss wasn’t nothing and I should’ve talked to you about it sooner cause…I really like you and it felt really shitty to be ignored tonight.”  

Luke rubbed the back of his neck, “I’m sorry, I was just pissed when I saw you with some other guy.”

“Mikey’s just a friend.” You replied, “I like you Luke, I like when you pretend to play the guitar badly to make me laugh and I like when we hang out without everyone else and just do nothing or go to the beach and I like going out with you at midnight to get ice cream cause neither of us can sleep and I don’t want to date anyone else…I want you.”  

“I want you too.” Luke said, stepping closer to you. When he reached for your hands, you laced your fingers with his. He leaned forward, pressing his lips against yours again, the salty taste of sweat from playing a show still there on his mouth as you kissed him back.