#i didnt realize youtube had so many buttons.....

[hiiddens]

[ ♛ ]  ° • Q & A WITH HYERIN !

001. when is your birthday? and what significant memories do you have of it?

“my birthday is november 11th ! i’m turning twenty-three years old this year, so that’s exciting.” truthfully, she doesn’t see it as a big deal anymore. any fond memories that she had about any birthday from her childhood are long forgotten, though she supposes if they were really anything truly meaningful that she would’ve never forgotten them in the first place.

“on my twentieth birthday, i was not in the best place mentally so i didn’t celebrate that year with friends like i usually would. i stayed home, and just wanted to spend the entire night with my cats. i didn’t tell my sister anything about my lack of plans for the night, but she still came over with this cute cake she made.” she can’t help but smile softly; no words could describe how much that night meant to her.

“i know it’s a very recent memory, but i don’t see her a lot ! she came to my place at the right time like this angel… i was so happy.”

002. what’s a song you have on repeat recently?

“it’s called sunburnt through the glass by prep. i especially recommend listening to it on your way home from work or school.”

003. who is your role model?

“can’t i be my own role model?” she playfully ponders for a second before breaking out in a fit of giggles — if she weren’t herself and instead one of her own subscribers, surely she wouldn’t find herself ‘role model’ material. “just kidding. as shocking as it may be for my parents to hear, as we’re really nothing alike, i would have to say my older sister is my role model.”

if her parents ever took the time to watch this video, surely they would laugh in disbelief. any positive quality that she and her sister shared was always overlooked, maybe deliberately ignored (to be more precise), and as a result they were compared until their paths had gone in completely different directions to make no use in pointing out. there was no way on earth that they would believe she wants to be anything like her.

“she is… incredibly diligent, and so, so wise. she’s successful in her career and she’s worked so hard to get where she is today. she makes our parents very proud,” and i wish i could say the same. “she’s very loving and kind too. sounds close to perfect, right? sorry to everyone interested, but she’s so happily married.”

004. do you believe in ghosts? if so, do you have any paranormal experiences?

“absolutely ! only because the idea of them is very fun. if you have one in your house, they’re like a free roommate who’s always in a silly, goofy mood. they will never pay rent, but at least you will never be lonely! whether that’s threatening or not is up to your ghost roommate.”

005. what was your first kiss like? when was it?

“my first kiss? i was in my first year of high school… it was the first kiss for both of us, and it was… embarrassingly awkward, but in a cute way? hopefully i’m much better at it now!” she gives the camera a quick wink, before the camera cuts once she starts laughing again.

006. what is something you get told all the time?

“i’m not going to lie, but i genuinely have no idea ! this isn’t something i really notice. one thing i’ve been noticing recently though, is that i’ve been getting a lot of requests for idols that i work with to appear on my channel.” stopping her application of her concealer, she deadpans straight at the camera; “am i not enough for you ! how can you keep requesting this of me !!” 

truthfully, this was way easier said than done — she doesn’t know how to ask or who to even ask. “i haven’t really considered having collaborations during the tour. as nice as it would be to get this sort of project done, it’s too busy for me to set up a proper schedule to prepare and film videos… which is why i can only film randomly sometimes.”

007. do you have any regrets?

“of course, but the important thing is to not let your past regrets stop you from being happy with your life in the present.” if only she could follow these wise words that everyone has already heard before. she’s the type of person who can’t let go of all of these things that plague the darkest parts of her mind, which includes many questions of why didn’t i do this? or how could i let this happen? and all of the unanswered inquiries in between. “you made it this far right? maybe what you regret is a blessing in disguise.”

008. how would you describe how you feel right now?

“right in this moment, or with my life? if it’s the former, i’m doing great right now — a bit tired but nothing i haven’t handled before. if it’s the latter… i’m content with my life right now.” a little white lie never hurt anybody, right?

009. what is something you do and don’t like about yourself?

what kind of question is this? what are they trying to find out? she doesn’t really like thinking about herself negatively by force, since she already does so unprompted in the back of her mind. a long list of everything she hates most about herself exists in the back of her mind, in a way that’s reminiscent of amusement park ride operators who sometimes announce fun facts of a certain ride mid-ride.

“um… i don’t know if this sounds weird, but something i’m really proud of is how i can help people feel more confident in themselves with the use of makeup. i know that you don’t need cosmetics to feel confident about yourself, but some do and that’s okay. if helping someone learn new tips, tricks and techniques makes them feel confident in themself, i feel really happy. making someone else happy is always something to feel good about.”

“on the other hand, i think something i don’t like about myself is how i talk. so. much.” it’s not her biggest concern, but it’s the only one she feels comfortable mentioning. “i can go on for hours and hours talking about one thing, and bore everyone i know. sometimes my mouth just says things that my brain doesn’t have time to register and then it’s too late ! i just need to learn how to shut the f— up.”

010. do you have any fears?

being alone at the end of her life, never finding out what real love is like, never being able to become fully honest with herself, never feeling satisfied in choices she’s made — all the unvoiced anxiety that lingers when she’s by herself. questions she can never voice aloud to herself in the mirror, afraid of the answers she’ll try to come up with on the spot. the only word that can really summarise all of her fears without a detailed explanation: “drowning.”

011. when was the last time you talked to your family?

“i spoke on the phone to my sister just this morning !” how long has it been since she spoke to her parents? she doesn’t really know either.

012. what city are you most looking forward to on the tour?

“truthfully, i’m equally excited to go everywhere, and this has been the same thought since the tour started. i have never travelled outside of south korea before, so as boring of an answer as it is, i’m just looking forward to every single one of them.”

013. do you have any allergies?

“thankfully no. or at least none that i can remember… i hope i don’t get surprised anytime soon.”

014. what are some habits or mannerisms that you have? good or bad.

“i have a terrible sleep schedule… and what i mean is that it barely exists. sleeping well has always been hard since i was younger, but i think being on the road may have made it a bit worse. there’s probably more but this is all i can think about right now, considering it’s four in the morning…”

015. what are your hobbies?

“i don’t talk about it often, but i love painting. i got into makeup because i considered it very similar to painting, despite the fact that they’re very different at the same time. my first real love has always been painting, i think.”

016. how was your school life as a kid like?

“normal? it was really nothing very exciting. i was like everyone else just trying to figure out life and that’s it. they say your school years are the best years of your life but i don’t really agree.”

017. do you have any pet peeves?

“personally, i have three pet peeves that i consider the holy trinity of things that should never be done. one, being rude unprovoked. i feel like if your first response is to anything is to be impertinent without a valid reason, you should probably step out of society for a bit. two, invading anyone’s privacy. holy f—, mind your own business ! and three, belittling or underestimating me. the only bright side is the satisfaction i get when i prove them wrong.”

018. do you consider what you’re doing right now your dream job? if not, what is it instead?

“not initially what i considered my dream job, but i would say that yes, this is my dream job now. as a child, pursuing any form of art as a career was my only dream job. i think i’m exactly where i want to be.”

019. what motivates you?

“my family…” technically not wrong, but not in the supportive way people would typically assume when it comes to this question. “in addition, my friends and of course, all of you who watch these videos and anyone who supports me in any way they can. i’ll continue to do my best because you have believed in my all this time.”

020. what’s something you can’t live without?

“can’t live without my kkw contour— i’m just kidding, i’m sorry. i think kim kardashian can be so unintentionally funny sometimes. um… i can’t live without my two children, kiki and lala… my precious cats. i raised them, so i’m basically their mother. i love them so much.” 

021. do you have a celebrity crush?

“...no.” she smiles innocently, supressing a laugh; the last thing she needs is to be in trouble with her work.

022. what is your go to karaoke song?

“i’m not a great singer, but my favourite karaoke song is kelly clarkson’s since u been gone. i absolutely do not have the vocal range for it, however ! i definitely have the confidence to pretend i do !”

023. what type of drunk are you?

“i don’t drink often, it’s not really good for you… but when i do, it kinda depends on the vibes. i’ve been told i can be very clingy and affectionate. other times i just cry… a lot.”

024. do you collect anything?

“lately i’ve been collecting polaroid photos of different landmarks and monuments in all the cities we’ve been going to. i’ve been putting them in an album and it’s turning out really cute.”

025. when you’re sad, what do you do to cheer yourself up?

“painting is extremely healing to me, so if i have the option to do so then it’ll be the only thing i do until i feel better. if that option is unavailable, i just listen to music or watch different rom-coms to take my mind off of whatever is bothering me.”

[mysticetus]

im not gonna say people should focus on the symbolism and more abstract aspects of petscop rather than the plot or characters because its not entirely fair to place one on a pedestal, since they all work cohesively to get the message of petscop across and its not like ones more important than the other, they cant function without each other, as with any story the characters and events are tools used to drive the meaning forward

but i do wish people stopped losing the forest for the trees. i think the beauty of petscop really comes into view when you can see this cohesion in action. i say this because time and time again i notice themes or patterns that the guys over on reddit amazingly havent caught on to, despite their near frame by frame analysis of the series. and i think its Due to their frame by frame analysis of the series. its understandable because investigation calls for attention to detail but if you pay attention to the series in a broader sense you can notice what petscop does want to call attention to, and what it doesnt.

i do firmly believe almost everything in petscop exists for a reason, because of the nature of rainer. he derives meaning from the seemingly meaningless, often to his detriment. the nature of creating a game is you have to make a decision for nearly everything, and when anomalies occur - the stuff you didnt decide to put in - you need to decide how to address them. rainer addresses his anomalies very delicately, and often integrates them into the work. in this way, even the errors become part of the art. but when you start incorporating elements from a source that isnt your explicit artistic will, you begin introducing an alien will into your work. computers arent human, they dont think in human ways, the things they create dont follow human logic. because petscop often embraces its errors rather than work against them, its something more than human creation.

and im not just talking about the fictional creation of the game, tony has talked about how he literally incorporated bugs into the work itself, because such things provided artistic inspiration. this in itself, i believe, is why petscop is so distinctly bizarre and at times unsettling … not even because of the subject matter, but just as the game exists on its own.

but i didnt wanna make this post about any of this stuff, i wanted to talk about recordings, because at 1 am i was thinking about recordings. A recording is a frozen, immortal copy of a dynamic object. It’s a snapshot. The object itself will change and evolve over time, but its recording will always exist just as it is. Videos are recordings. Photos are recordings. Generations are recordings. Petscop is a growing organism. In an act of preservation, you can record it as many times as you like, record the button inputs, record the generation, record the audio and video and post it on youtube, but the game itself will always continue changing. You can’t freeze the game because it’s alive. The recordings, meanwhile, are dead. Or, rather, they’re too alive to be real. You can destroy or lose access to their source but you will always have the recording. You can edit a recording, you can chop it up and censor it and arrange it so it’s out of order, but you can’t do any of that to the dynamic, living object.

Rainer explicitly created anachronisms in his game. Take christmas day, for example. Logically, rainer’s suicide has to have been planned. He has to have created the segment of the game before recording it and then giving that gift to the family to watch. Rainer makes the segment > the family watches it > the segment tells them to check their bathroom > rainer is dead. Rainer had to predict what would occur in the house so the recording’s superficially anachronistic nature is effective. He put in generic dialogue for his aunt Anna, planned what he would say like a script, and if executed correctly, the family would have this horrific dawning realization as they witness the recording - something dead - repeat back to them what just happened in real life.

It’s unsettling because the recording isn’t supposed to be alive. Whatever happens in that recording is supposed to be absolute fact, because it’s a copy of the dynamic object. If the recording omits certain details it can change the viewer’s perception of reality. But rainer tells us explicitly: “Everything’s a trick!” If a girl’s behind a camera when a picture is taken she basically doesn’t exist at all.

I dunno.

[starfruits-world]

CC Making Journal day 7- Collars, tailoring, transparent patterns, LODs.

Aka what started as a night full of hope and excitement over nipple lace button downs turns into bowling alley manager uniforms, tiramisu, irl shirt theft, screaming about paint buckets, and disappointment. Yuuri making his cute face is all I can stand. I didnt even go in game for this shirt I was so disappointed. 

First realization- when the mesh is ugly as fuck there is no saving the piece. Just start over. 

Second realization- half sleeve will never be flattering

No matter how these jazzy looking boy pose:

BUt I started off realizing this piece was not a simple 4 piece suit. No- it had many moving parts. So I made my first button down. The original piece had these hideous buttons:

I was pretty happy here.I had, after all, created my first button down with the two pieces n the back, the trim, collar, the whole 9 yards! A certain tofu loving dragon helped me find a collar pattern guide after they caught me blindly making the worst collar known to man on stream. Thank you for your guidance. (I also wasnt sure if the collar was 1,2,or 3 pieces so I stole a shirt from my dads closet. Its still on my bed. I may keep it. He doesnt need it anyway. Its so soft) We were still so naive though. Dofu tried to warn me about the weird sleeve length and frumpy sleeve holes. But I didnt listen. I was too busy screaming:

Yes I did a little peak at the stammi vicino possibilities. I felt so close.But then...

Then... 

It came to open it in S4s...

(at least the white swatch is clean)

And I was met with a huge disappointment. The shoulders are rounded hideously. and the collar stands up weird. And I cant for the love of me figure out where the sim waist pant line is on the Sims 4 male rig for MD. 

Basically I achieved the silhouette “Boy stuffs himself into a button down that is much to small for him” DX I mean if we wanna play chubby Yuuri it works. 

The waist UV didnt copy over from the sim so he has a different body shape. This keeps happening on tops I have partial transparency on so I think this is related to that issue. As I learn more I realize the issues on my cc are all fixable at their various step. Yuuris waist is supposed to be SNATCHED 

Okay some may think the shirt doesnt look bad on Yuuri, right? But I knew something was wrong....when I put it on Victor and his shoulder SUNK INTO HIS BODY: 

THIS IS WHAT HE IS SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE. 

Oh the disappointment I was met with. Victors beautiful broad shoulders. Decimated. 

(Oh speaking of decimate i managed to get this mesh to be under 12k and then I imported it into s4s it JUMPED TO 20K AND I WAS SHOOK LIKE WTF SO OF COURSE MY OTHER 3 LOD DECIMATES WERE ALL HUGE POLY COUNTS. NONE OF THEM NEAR 500 FOR LOD 3). I was annoyed but had bigger monsters with this piece.

Already deterred by some much disappointment, I almost didnt want to continue on. But I roped my friend in again and we went at the Lace texture. BC AS UGLY ASTHE MESH WAS, THE TRANSPARENCY WORKED. SO I failed the war but won the mission. We shared a few pic me up photos of our good boys and powered on. 

And then I found out in PS version 20 there is NO PAINT BUCKET TOOL.

After screaming over no paint buckets (silently bc my discord audio broke) we tried like 10 different methods. I tried to follow along but boyyyy I had no idea what mask laters or rasterize was. I dont even know how to rotate and combine photos in PS. I was in pain. Perhaps I am still traumatized. But not enough to not keep trying.

By then it was 3am and I had inhaled a piece of tirimisu cake to fend off sadness. I ate my late dinner from a paper plate like the sad bachelorette I am and watched again and again as my friend tried to explain how to make the transparency work. 

Eventually they got it to work. I did but I had the pattern too small. So it was useless. 

Anyway, I had to show SOMETHING so I tried Archive actions weird pants that I cant put on literally any outfit bc its clips awfully on the sim and BAM

CANT YOU JUST SEE HIM IN A BOWLING ALLEY?!?!? UGH

Anyway credits to StinkyDofu here on tumblr and the victuuri birb server, Otaku Sim server, random twitter followers who will not see this image or else my follower count will continue to drop, and NO THANK YOU TO HALF SLEEVED SHIRTS. 

Also heads up usually im not a negative person and wont be as harsh on cc to others as I am to myself. But this particular piece was started with such high expectations and the downfall really hurt. But, like I said, this is all for learning so I will keep going. I love this process fully.

It was calming, the boring parts of cc making. Lowering poly with edge loop deleting, extruding edges, uv mapping, texturing. I love the process no one wants to show in their time skips. 

I’ve already linked the tutorials I used in my last journal. So today i’ll advise yall to watch Grafity-cc on youtube for their great speed meshing blender. I would tag but I am but a measly peasant.

Also of course follow StinkyDofu, DroSims, and Poeticfalls for my sim inspo, teachers, and friend groups. 

[theshippingpro]

What Are We Missing?

Hello! I am back once aging to talk about Hello Puppets. I love this game to death. The story is amazing, and has some excellent world building. But it feels like we are missing a lot of things. Like I mentioned in my last post. We really didn't get to see a lot about Nick. All we really got about him was the poster in the beginning, his room while we were looking for the pin, and what me and other people guess to be his shadow at one point in the game. Why is Nick left out? Why is it that people only talk about him? Why not show instead of tell? It would have been interesting to see how he interact with the cast. Especially Riley, it said on his poster that they get on each others nerves all the time. So why not show him at all? And the same goes for Daisy, she as well had a big build up. When I read her poster for the first time, I though she would be chasing us around the studio, she got the same treatment as Nick! And no appearance from her at all! So why put these characters to the side and focus on the main two? It feels like we are missing something here, but what? I feel like there is just so much there, right under the surface. But we can't reach it. Unless we're not looking in the right places. The game still has a small fandom at the time I am writing this. And only a handful of youtubers have played this game. I think there is more secrets to discover in this game. People are just not looking in the right places. For example, I was watching 8-bit Ryan's playthrough of Hello Puppets when I notice something. After he completed Riley's flag test, he found another tape in the bathroom. I notice there was a TV and right under it there was a keypad that he couldn't interact with, but right next to it was a button that he could press. From what I can tell nothing happened when he did. This is a very odd place to put a button especially one that doesn't do anything. Which make it even more suspicious to me. Think about it, every button in the game serves a purpose, even when it seems like it didn't do anything. They all active something, like the button in the meat locker. It may seem like we did a bad thing at first, but it turned out to be the right thing to do. And the button in Daisy's room, again another button that seams like it doesn't do anything and a bad move to make. But as soon when we turn around we find Owens dead body in the chair behind us. In this game every button has a purpose, even if it seems like it doesn't. This game likes to trick us and give us a false sense for things then turn it on us. So what does that button on the TV do? Is there more we're suppose to find? What secrets does this game have for us? Unfortunately we don't know yet. Not many people have explore the game enough to find anything. There is so much to this game and I love it. I hope the creators of Hello Puppets have more in store for this world. This is something I don't want to let go quite yet. Until next time, Shipy

Edit: I changed Daisy part. I didnt realize that puppet at the tea party was someone else. Not sure what her name is.

[huphilpuffs]

flares

chapter: 25/? summary: Dan’s body has been broken for as long as he can remember, and he’s long since learned to deal with it. Sort of. But when his symptoms force him to leave uni and move into a new flat with a stranger named Phil, he finds that ignoring the pain isn’t the way to make himself happy. word count: 3065 rating: mature warnings: chronic illness, chronic pain, medicine a/n: a huge thanks goes to @obsessivelymoody for beta reading this for me!

Ao3 link || read from beginning

Dan wakes up on Thursday to a heaviness in his chest.

He groans before he even opens his eyes. His face is squished against a pillow, his ribs pressed too harshly against the mattress. Stabs of pain burst between them, make his muscles spasm and send his breath escaping in a stutter. He has to count, one, two, three, four to keep it from happening a second time.

It eases some when he rolls onto his back.

And he tries to comfort himself further by counting out how long it’s been since he’s been able to sleep on his stomach. Too long, probably.

He’s been getting better, though. Even staring at the bedroom ceiling through his tears, Dan knows that. Knows the he’s helped Phil with dinner the last few nights, and managed to handle the curtains being open for a few hours yesterday.

His hand smoothes across his sternum, and he pokes at the painful spots in his sides until the sharpness dulls.

It’s enough to let Dan sit up, then stand on shaky knees. He tosses Phil’s pillow back to where it belongs and tucks the duvet into place to prove the voice in his head, wondering why he’s suddenly worse again, that he’s fine.

And to ignore the second voice, telling him it’s anxiety that causes your pain, over and over again.

His appointment is in a day.

Dan’s hardly slept for three.

He tries to swallow back a sigh. Whatever rush of adrenaline had dragged him out of bed has faded, left fatigue settling heavy in his bones again. He could drag himself to the lounge, curl up in his blankets and continue his new daily routine of watching people on YouTube for hours.

But his body aches and his eyes burn, and he crawls back into bed instead.

The voice in his head grows louder.

Dan grabs Phil’s pillow, clutches it ot his chest and presses his face against the fabric, breathing deeply.

It smells like Phil.

He holds it until he falls back asleep.

---

The afternoon drags.

It’s past two when Dan wakes up again. The flat is still empty, the bed unmade again. He crawls out without bothering to fix it, makes himself a sandwich, and settles back on the sofa, where he can rest his head against the cushions and ignore the tightness around his heart.

Every time he turns on his phone, it’s too a notification reminding him he has an appointment tomorrow that has his muscles seizing, making it ache to breathe.

And to a reminder he half regrets setting, since he’s ignored it for days.

Call mum.

There’s only a few hours to follow through with it now.

He glances back at the clock that tells him it’s just ticking past three. Twenty-five hours left, says the voice in his head. It sounds like the last GP he saw, who looked him in the eyes and told him to try acting like he had more energy, who told him it would help.

You should try it, his mum had said afterwards. You never know unless you do.

Dan’s thumb swipes across the screen. He finds her contact, sucks in a breath, and hits the call button.

He doesn’t breathe again until she picks up on the third ring.

“Hi, Dan,” she says.

He hasn’t heard her voice since he decided to stay here. It feels like a lifetime ago, suddenly.

“Hi, mum.”

There’s silence for a long moment. He can hear her breathing over the line, low and steady, and wonders if she can hear the shakiness in his.

“How are you?” she asks

“I’m okay,” he says. “I, uh, have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow.”

“Oh?”

He swallows, nodding even though she can’t see him. “Just with my new GP, but I’m hoping he might be able to help me,” he says. “With, well, you know.”

“I hope he can.”

She sounds sad. It’s been a long time since Dan’s heard that.

“Me too,” he says. And then, because he can’t handle the silence: “But, uh, I was hoping you could maybe help me figure out my medical history, to prepare? I don’t remember all of it from when I first got sick.”

Back when she was responsible for it, he doesn’t say. Back when anyone could keep track of all of it.

“I’ll text it to you, okay?” she says. “I know your memory isn’t always the best, and your wrists tend to ache from writing.”

“Really?” He slams his mouth shut, the click of his teeth probably audible over the phone. “I mean, thanks.”

She chuckles, quiet, distant, like he can hear the miles between them. “I’m not always heartless, you know,” she says.

Dan’s breath comes out in a rush. Guilt bursts in its place, painful, bringing tears to his eyes. And he wants to tell her he never thought she was, but he can’t. She knows he can’t. He doesn’t even know what he thinks about her now, crying, hands shaking as he clutches his phone too tightly.

“Can I ask you something?” she says. “Without you getting mad?”

“Yeah.”

“How are you doing?” she says. “I know you don’t think your problems are with your mental health, and I’m not implying they are–” the not this time goes unspoken “–but I know you’ve had bad experiences with doctors and you’re my son.”

His breath catches. A tear rolls down his cheek, and he wipes it away with his hand.

This is his first appointment without her, he realizes. The first one in six years that she’s not driving him to, waiting outside or sitting next to him for the length of it. The first time she won’t smooth his hand over his knee in the waiting room, telling him it’ll be okay, that doctors can be trusted, even though they’d been proving otherwise for so long.

“I’m okay,” he says. “Phil’s coming with me.”

“That’s good,” she says, like she means it. “I am glad you have him, you know.”

He almost reminds her what she thought of him living with Phil last time they spoke, but his heart aches and his eyes are stinging and he doesn’t want to fight, not this time.

“Me too,” he says. “He’s the best, mum.”

She sounds like she’s smiling when she says: “I’d love to meet him, one day.”

Dan swallows. He can hardly picture it, bringing Phil back to a house filled with terrible memories and people he still doesn’t trust entirely. And yet there’s a tug in his chest, a bittersweet image forming in the back of his mind.

He doesn’t say anything.

Neither does she, for a while.

“I should get going,” is what she ends up saying. “As long as you’re okay? I’ll text you your medical information in a little bit.”

“Okay,” he says. “I’m okay. Thank you.”

She hums. “And Dan?”

“Yeah?”

“You should call your grandma. She misses her sofa buddy.”

He chuckles. It aches. Suddenly, he’s exhausted again. “Okay. I will,” he promises. “And mum?”

“Yeah?”

“No news is good news, okay? If I don’t call you after the appointment, I mean.”

“Okay,” she says. “Bye.”

“Bye.”

The line goes dead.

His head falls back against the cushion and his phone drops onto the sofa. Tears are rolling down his cheeks, and he’s not entirely sure he knows why.

Or maybe he just can’t untangle all the many, many reasons.

---

Phil’s quiet when he gets home.

He takes the smoothie Dan didn’t touch and sets it on the coffee table before dropping onto the empty cushion. His arm is draped across the back of the cushion, his hip just inches from Dan’s, as he turns his gaze to the open laptop, lit up with another Smosh video.

Dan’s been watching them mindlessly since his tears dried on his cheeks.

“This is a good one,” says Phil.

It’s an older one, the production value a little cheaper and humour a tad outdated. Probably more similar to what Phil had watched back at uni, Dan thinks. He tries to imagine it, a younger version of Phil, one with longer hair and a slightly narrower frame, sitting in a uni room like the one Dan moved out of before coming here.

He hardly can. Maybe because his mind is still muddled, hanging onto words he said during the phone call, onto all the things he should have said but didn’t.

“It is,” he says, just as the video ends.

He doesn’t start a new one.

Phil’s fingers sweep across his shoulder. In Dan’s peripheral, he can see Phil turn to look at him, but he doesn’t look back.

“Are you okay?” asks Phil.

Dan swallows. There’s a lump in his throat, a pressure behind his eyes so harsh it aches.

“Didn’t sleep very well,” he says.

Phil squeezes his shoulder. “I know.”

That makes the corner of his mouth quirk up. Of course Phil knows. He was there, arms wrapped around Dan as he fidgeted, tossed, and turned. His hands had combed through Dan’s hair, and his quiet questions about if Dan was okay were mumbled against his shoulder, his reassurance felt in his touch.

Phil usually falls asleep pretty quickly, Dan’s learned. Last night, he didn’t.

The hand at his shoulder tightens. Dan finally turns to face Phil.

“Is that all that’s bothering you?”

His eyes are soft, almost sad, as his hand rubs gentle circles against Dan’s skin. He knows. He must know something’s up. Dan has to remind himself that Phil’s seen him after countless sleepless nights, curled up in soft blankets on the sofa and dozing when his mind gets too tired to keep racing.

Today isn’t like that.

Dan reaches out to rest a hand on Phil’s knee, needing to feel grounded, as the first tear rolls down his cheek. Phil draws him closer, so Dan’s head is by his shoulder, his tears dripping down onto the fabric of Phil’s shirt.

There’s no pressure, none but the weight of Phil’s hand on his shoulder, when Dan says:

“I called my mum.”

Phil goes tense. “Oh,” he say. “How did that go?”

Dan swallows. “I don’t know.”

He really doesn’t. His chest feels too full with contradictions, the weight of past accusations crashing up against her understanding tone and he doesn’t know what to think anymore. He’s never been sure how to exist around her, not since pain first settled in his bones and she told him it was growing pains, it would pass, it would get better.

And it never did.

“I haven’t talked to her since I told her I was staying in Manchester,” he says, maybe as an afterthought, maybe because it’s felt heavy on his shoulders since he answered the phone.

“Was she nicer this time?”

He nods. Another tear falls. “She’s texting me my medical history,” says Dan. “She offered, because she– she knew I had trouble writing and remembering.”

Phil hums. His breath has gone even again. His mouth is close to the top of Dan’s head. He sounds hesitant when he speaks. “It sounds like she cares.”

Dan feels that, sharp and painful in his gut. Another tear rolls down his cheek, and his breath catches, and Phil holds him tighter like he’s scared Dan will fall apart.

Maybe he will.

It’s been so long,

He’s been so that sure she doesn’t actually care.

Now, he doesn’t know what to think.

---

His mum texts him.

Dan almost cries. His teeth dig into his lip and his ribs ache and he stares, wide-eyed, at the list of diagnoses and unexplained symptoms he’s had over the years. There’s the migraines they never treated at the beginning, the lightheadedness it took them four years to explain, the instructions to do more exercise that dot the whole six years that he’s been ill.

The first time he went to therapy, and the antidepressants they put him on, and the second time he went to therapy.

And every time he told his doctor he was still sick after that.

Phil’s hand lands on his wrist, gently pushing the phone from Dan’s line of sight. His voice is barely a whisper when he says: “Are you okay?”

Dan swallows. His throat aches.

Laid out like this, it doesn’t look that bad, a distant voice in his head that’s haunted him for too long tries to remind him that maybe he’s just making it all up. Maybe it wasn’t that bad. But Dan can remember the A&E doctor who turned him away because it was growing pains. Can remember the so many times his blood pressure was low before anyone bothered to point it out.

The time his doctor looked at him and said–

“Can we do something?” says Dan. “I want to– I need a distraction.”

Phil nods. In Dan’s peripheral, his phone screen goes black. The knot in his chest loosens, just a bit.

“Wanna play video games?” says Phil.

He shakes his head. “Wanna go out. It’s been too long.”

Phil’s brows furrow, like he’s about to point out that there’s a reason it’s been so long, about to warn Dan that he doesn’t want to make himself sick before such an important day.

Except part of Dan does. He’s done it before, forced himself to be in pain because maybe that way the doctors would actually see that he wasn’t lying. Not that it’s ever worked.

“Please?” he says.

Phil squeezes his wrist. “Okay.” His thumb drifts across Dan’s, careful and comforting. “Where do you want to go?”

---

Dan squeezes into his skinny jeans, even though the fabric burns his legs. He pulls a shirt over his head for what feels like the first time in forever. Though his knees are shaky, he bends down to tie his own laces, as Phil watches from where he’s leaning against the door.

“Are you sure about this?”

He reaches out, without a word, to help Dan stand again.

“I’m sure,” says Dan. “And don’t worry, you won’t need to take me to A&E this time.”

The corner of Phil’s mouth quirks up, and Dan knows he’s forcing it. He can feel his worry in the too-tight clench of Phil’s hand around his, the way his gaze trips over Dan legs when he wobbles as he stands.

He squeezes Phil’s fingers, forcing a smile of his own, as he opens the door.

It’s warm outside. The sky’s going purple as the sun sinks below the city. Dan realizes, staring up at it, that he hasn’t left the flat since he trip to A&E, hasn’t enjoyed being outside in far too long.

If his joints would let him, he’d suggest they walk around a bit. Instead, he stares up at the clouds and reminds himself to spend more evenings, when the sun won’t burn his eyes, on their little balcony, just to feel the wind against his cheeks again.

Phil tugs on his hand when the cab pulls up in front of them. They pile in, side by side in the back seat. Dan doesn’t put on his seatbelt. He can’t be bothered to deal with the harsh rub of fabric against his ribs.

His chest is still tight, the quiet buzz of anxiety at the back of his mind growing louder. He can still feel his phone, heavy in his pocket, can still imagine the text he hasn’t yet responded to. He can remember their last movie night, laughing and gasping and falling asleep with Phil’s hands trying to massage the pain away.

They hadn’t even gone out last time.

Dan stares out the window and hopes he can keep his promise that it’ll be okay this time.

They slip out of the car at the cinema. Phil pays the driver. Dan leans against the wall as he waits, wondering if the lines inside are long. It’s been so long since he’s been to the cinema, he can hardly imagine it anymore. The screens usually hurt his eyes and the audio gives him a headache and he doesn’t care today.

“You okay?”

Phil’s smiling at him, standing by the door. He holds it open for Dan, and buys their tickets for a random comedy neither of them particularly wanted to see. He lets Dan go find a seat as he buys them popcorn, soda, and a chocolate bar to share. He hands it over, in the darkness of the theatre, with a smile.

Between them, their knees bump together as the film starts.

---

They’re holding hands when it ends.

Dan’s eyes are starting to burn and his chest aches from laughing, but the voices in his head have dulled just enough that he can breathe a little easier. He doesn’t think about the appointment he needs to show up to tomorrow, or the doctor he hasn’t met yet who might dash his hopes all over again.

He stares at their joined hands as the cinema empties, smiling.

“You ready to go home?” says Phil.

Dan shrugs. He probably should give his spine a break by sinking into the sofa again, close his eyes against the bright lights of the city before a headache wells in his temples. But he doesn’t want to sit in the dark and wait until tomorrow, letting his fears return.

“Can we get pizza?”

“You up to walk?”

He nods. Phil helps him to his feet and leads him out of the cinema. He knows Manchester better than Dan does, and tells a story about coming to watch movies with Ian when he was younger as they find the nearest pizza place. Dan listens, maybe more attentively than he needs to, to keep his mind from going hazy as the city moves around him.

There’s still a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.

Dan wonders if him of a few years ago would have believed that he’d end up here.

The restaurant they end up in is small and quiet, and they slide into a booth in the corner of the room. Dan sinks back against the cushion, realizing that Phil’s smiling, too.

His chest feels warm. His fingers twist in the tablecloth, because part of him misses holding Phil’s hand.

“Thanks for tonight,” says Dan. “I had fun.”

Under the table, Phil knocks their feet together.

“I did too,” he says.

[dontreadthistrashgarbage]

Pt. 8

Guerin had curled up on her couch with a beer, playing music and scrolling through her social media and texting HEET, assuring them that she was unhurt and cheerful. Seyoon had texted her that he was on his way and she expected him any moment. She messaged him the code to her door so she didn't need to get up to greet him. It was late and she had just started to doze when she heard the beeps of her keypad. Straightening up and blinking her eyes open she saw Seyoon come in, this time looking showered and stylish. Rubbing her eyes she smiled, the gestured for him to join her on the couch.

He was relieved to see her so relaxed and smiled broadly as he kicked off his shoes and dropped his bag on the floor. Making his way over he sat next to her and cuddled up as she wrapped her arms around him and rested her head on his.

"Hi handsome." She said, kissing the top of his head affectionately. He wiggled against her, taking one of her hands, raising it to his mouth and kissing her knuckles before peering up at her.

"Sorry you had to wait up for me." He said, seeing her doze work it's way out of her system.

"You're working hard. Besides, I understand your hours. Today was just exhausting." She patted him.

He sat up and looked at her expectantly, not saying anything. She smiled, sitting up too to ruffle his hair, "I am actually really okay mostly. When it happened..." she grimaced and he took her hand again encouraging her to continue, "It was scary, seeing Charlie get caught in the crossfire like that. I wanted to fight whoever would hurt her like that. But it was just a kid."

"I thought you were pretty cool." He smiled, leaning into her slightly.

"Fortunately that seems to be the general consensus. Han Jisoo says that most of the feedback is in my favor, and with the court case wrapping up I can be reinstated as HEET's manager soon." She grinned.

"Noona! That's great!" He pulled her up into him for a big hug making her laugh. She enjoyed them holding each other before speaking again.

"It was kind of a scary moment to realize someone had been following us and filming." She said seriously. Seyoon leaned back to look at her and she pulled away, still facing him, finger tracing abstract patterns on her own knee absentmindedly. "Jisoo reminded me I'll have to get used to it." Guerin added, one corner of her mouth turning up in a forced smile.

Seyoon hesitated, licking his lips nervously before responding, "You don't... -have- to."

Her head shot up surprised, looking at him like he was crazy, "What?"

"You know." He said quietly not wanting to say it again. She stared at him incredulously, before getting swept up in impulse. Leaning in she stopped just short of his lips, wondering for a moment if it was the right time. Wow finished the thought for her, covering the rest of the distance between them. Their kisses before this had mostly been cute and chaste, this was different. She had been moved by his gesture, reminding her in spite of his own desires that she didn't need to struggle in that particular aspect. The thought hadn't occurred to her, and her heart dismissed the option as she had looked into his eyes. Her physical reaction was purely instinctual, as was his. Her hands went to his torso as their kiss deepened, then moved to cling to his back as he pulled her closer against him, into his lap. One hand migrated to his head, fingers entangling in his hair as she pulled him gently back moving lower to kiss his neck, pushing him with her body until he lay back on her couch under her. His eyes closed and he bit his lip as her hands continued wandering down his chest, feeling his hard lines.

She forced herself to pause, sitting up and looking at the stunning man under her. He opened his eyes, lips slightly parted as he breathed deeply and grinned at her sheepish expression.

"I guess that's my way of saying I want to learn to get used to it." She laughed, running her hands through her own disheveled hair, embarrassed.

"I don't think I got the message. Let me check again." He said, sitting up abruptly and reversing their positions on the couch.

"Hmmm, speak up would you?" She said, reaching up and pulling him toward her.

The sun was setting as Guerin waited by the corner she and Seyoon had agreed to meet at. Perpetually early she was taking her time watching the clouds, the color of the sky change, and the crepuscular birds swooping through the sky catching their dinner. Her lip tint today was a dark burgundy that completed her black outfit highlighted with a trendy tan long coat.

A wild magpie swooped down and landed on a fence near her which made her grin, "Hello Kacchi. Did you get your fill?" Guerin greeted the bird and pulled out her phone to take a picture.

"Did I keep you waiting so long you needed to make friends with birds?" Seyoon asked, approaching suddenly while she was distracted.

She glanced up at him then refocused on her picture, still smiling, "I'll always talk to anything." She pocketed her phone and turned to him, "But you'll see for yourself soon enough I guess."

They hesitated, not sure how to greet in public. After a beat Seyoon gestured the direction he wanted to go and stepped next to her as they began walking. She bumped against him playfully and he smiled at her as the awkward moment passed.

"Where are we going?" She asked curiously.

"Hongdae has some history for me, and you said you liked it too. I thought we could watch some busking, do some shopping, find something to eat." He trailed off with a shrug, "There's a lot to do."

"I love watching busking!" Guerin said excitedly, "When I first moved here I'd spend so many weekends coming to Hongdae just for busking."

"It's how A.C.E started." Seyoon mused, "We'd do dance performances and post on youtube."

"You've really come so far. You should be proud of yourselves, you worked hard." Guerin said, patting his head. As they walked into Hongdae proper the streets became more crowded. They stopped at a few shops, perusing clothes or jewelry. Seyoon had several times found the ugliest most ill fitting article of clothing and pretended to convince Guerin it would be perfect for him, insisting he could pull off anything. Unfortunately for him she began encouraging him to buy the items he chose so he had to make up reasons that he couldn't. In one the buttons had been stitched on with the wrong pattern and that was unlucky for singers. One pair of brightly colored pants that Guerin actually loved but they didnt have enough orange once he looked close enough. They went into a small arcade where Guerin displayed an incredible ability to be unusually terrible at crane games. Seyoon tried the claw machine as well, but before using it he pretended to plug in and communicate with it while Guerin giggled at his strange beeping sounds. He somehow managed to win a small cat plushie on the first try which he immediately handed to her.

"Because you suck so bad. Otherwise you'll never get a prize from here." He said, then dodged her with a laugh as she raised her hand threateningly before laughing herself.

A couple of times Seyoon was recognized and Guerin waited patiently off to the side while he greeted choice and took selfies with them. She had been nervous this would happen but the most rude a fan had been to her was to ignore her completely. Most of the others greeted both of them politely. The previous night Seyoon and Guerin had talked about what they would do if fans recognized them, so it was a relief to see it working out so well.

"Your fans are so lovely." Guerin said, as Seyoon rejoined her.

"Our Choice are the best." He grinned proudly.

Once they had reached the buskers Seyoon bought them a Tanghulu to share. Both of them had the habit of bopping along gently to the music as it played, and Guerin would sometimes sing along under her breath. There was a particularly sweet voiced singer that did a cover of HEET's debut song that she got excited about and left a hefty tip for, and she did the same for a dance group that did the choreography for Undercover. The performers recognized Wow and he chatted with them after the show to offer encouragement.

Guerin's heart was full from the evenings and encounters they had. As the night drew on Seyoon mentioned being hungry and Guerin dropped everything so the two of them could eat. They found a small hole in the wall restaurant that wasn't too crowded to order some chicken and beer.

Once their order had been placed Seyoon went through one of his bags, pulling out a small white cardboard box and pushing it across the table to Guerin.

"What's this?" She asked in surprise.

"A present. Open it." He sat back and smiled, watching her.

A silver star stud earring with a behind the lobe chain drop that ended with another star that Guerin had admired but ultimately decided wasn't worth the cost, and a dainty silver chain choker with a star in the center to match were nestled on the cotton pad inside.

"Seyoonie!" She gasped, pulling them out and admiring them, "Thank you, oh... wow." She absentmindedly exclaimed his nickname. He grinned wider at her reaction. "This is so much, you didnt need to do this."

He shrugged, "I thought it would make you happy."

"They're amazing, thank you." She was already reaching up to switch out one of her current earrings for the new one. Seyoon abandoned his seat across from her and moved onto the booth next to her, to help her fasten the choker. She turned to him, smiling and batting her eyes as she put up a peace sign. "How do I look?"

He reached for the dangly star, caressing it softly before making eye contact with her as he answered. "Perfect."

Her breath hitched in her throat as her stomach clenched and she bit her lip before she broke eye contact and looked straight ahead. She couldnt help but smile at the awkward private sensation she had gotten in a public environment. Through her peripheral vision she could see Seyoon still watching her as she got a grip on herself. Tentatively she reached for his hand resting on his thigh under the table, touching his pinky with hers delicately. He didn't hesitate to turn his hand and intertwine their fingers, resting their hands together back on his thigh. His leg muscles against the back of her hand distracted her until the food arrived and the two had to let go.

After they finished eating they continued wandering through shops. Guerin and Seyoon took turns sneaking physical contact with each other when no one was around or looking. Leaving a shoe store Seyoon suddenly took Guerins hand and pulled her into an empty narrow alleyway between two buildings. Holding her face he pulled her to him and kissed her. Despite being taken by surprise it didnt take her long to return the kiss, fingers holding onto the front of his shirt. They broke apart and Guerin looked around quickly to ensure no one had snuck up on them and met his gaze again. Pushing against him slightly she chastised him unconvincingly, "Seyoon-ah, that was risky."

"I couldn't fight gravity anymore." He wrapped his arms around her for a hug, resting his chin on her shoulder and nuzzling against her cutely.

"Mmm, yeah gravity can be a bitch..." she leaned against him, matching his affectionate embrace, "Do you want to... head to my place maybe?" She suggested lightly, "We can have a pajama party, watch a movie..." she trailed off leaving the rest up to interpretation for their future selves.

Seyoon nodded pulling away, "I need to stop by the dorm first."

They moved together to the main road where Seyoon hailed a cab.

"Come up with me. Everyone is out tonight." Seyoon said as the cab pulled up to his dorm.

"Won't that look bad...?" Guerin asked hesitantly.

"It won't be long." He said, then asked the cab driver to wait for them. She got out of the cab with him and followed him upstairs to the door.

"This looks nice." She said as he typed in their code.

"We got upgraded a couple months ago." He said, then opened the door for the both of them. She took off her shoes and meandered into the living room, debating for a moment whether she should follow him to his bedroom before she heard a scream and exclamations.

She moved quickly to the hall to see Seyoon standing outside a door, holding it closed with his back to it and looking shocked. "What happened?" Guerin asked. Seyoon looked at her, eyes wide and he let out a shell shocked laugh.

From inside the room she heard Jun's voice, "Hyung go away!"

"I need clothes." He responded sensibly.

"Come back later!" This time it was Charlie's voice.

"Charlie?" Guerin called out. Charlie groaned in embarrassment, "Charlie we have a cab running, Seyoonie just needs to get some clothes and we can go."

"Aaahhh... okay...." Jun sounded very disappointed. There was rustling as they moved around in the room while Guerin and Seyoon tried not to laugh audibly. The pair managed to calm themselves enough to look innocuous as the door opened and Charlie hustled out past Guerin to the living room. Seyoon peeked into the room again then disappeared inside. Guerin followed after her friend. She found Charlie sitting on the couch her face in her hands.

"Heeeyyyy..." Guerin hovered in front of her, the laughter threatening to come back, making the corners of her lips twitch. Charlie peered up at her friend from between her fingers, clearly blushing. As soon as they made eye contact they both began giggling, Guerin collapsed next to Charlie on the couch as they tried to keep it quiet.

"Oh my goooood I can't believe your shitty timinggg." Charlie said in english as they caught their breath.

"What did Wow walk in on exactly?" Guerin whispered curiously, keeping the conversation in English.

"We were in our underwear, I was straddling Jun." Charlie whispered, covering her face again, "thank god my back was to him."

"Oh geez that's nothing! I thought maybe." Guerin wiggled her eyebrows, "You know."

Charlie sighed, "I was kinda hoping we'd be getting there tonight."

"We'll be out of your hair soon and you can get restarted." Guerin offered a high five that Charlie half heartedly met.

Jun chose the next moment to come into the living room with a blank expression that looked like he was trying to internalize this latest trauma of his life. "Hello. Welcome." He said dispassionately not quite making eye contact.

"Hello Jun." Guerin slipped back into Korean. She pressed her lips together to keep from smiling. She kept struggling with finding something to say that wasn't teasing since he already seemed close to breaking. Jun sat on the other side of Charlie, casually moving a pillow over his lap and hugging it. Guerin almost lost it but turned away in time.

"I'll go check on Seyoon." She coughed, standing up and hurrying to the shared bedroom. Before she reached the far door, she passed an open door to an office. She paused curiously, it looked like a combination music and art studio. She stopped completely as she looked at some of the art on the walls.

"You can go in." Seyoon said suddenly. He had come out of the bedroom with a small bag and saw her looking.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to pry." She felt embarrassed being caught in a mini snoop, "I just saw the paintings and..." she gestured unsure of the Korean words to express how they had captured her interest.

"It's our studio. We opted to have three people in the biggest room and use this one for creating." Seyoon explained, walking over and waving her inside. She took the invitation, stepping in carefully. The artwork wasn't always conventional and required interpretation, while some were simple and straightforward.

"Did you do these?" She asked. Guerin had done some homework on A.C.E when she had learned they would be promoting around the same time as HEET and remembered learning that Wow was very artistic. He nodded, looking at the pictures too.

"These are amazing, Kim Seyoon." She murmured. He looked at her as she unexpectedly used his full name. Guerin moved to the art desk to see a painting still on it.

The words "A.C.E" and "Choice" had been written in Korean, stylized as two figures. The Choice figure was walking in the lead, holding the hand of the A.C.E figure and holding a lamp with the yellow word "sarang" lighting the way. The darkness around the figures were more stylized words, eerily spelled out with jagged edges, dripping colors or washed out watercolors. Words like "doubt", "fear" and "failure".

"I finished that today." Seyoon stepped up next to her.

"It's beautiful. Meaningful and simple." She looked up at him, "This is for your fans right? The project you and Jun are working on?"

"This and a song. We finished recording it yesterday." He nodded. She moved in front of him and draped her arms over his shoulders. Instinctively his arms went to her waist.

"You're amazing, you know that?" She said, impressed with her boyfriend.

"I've been told." He said with a sassy tone.

She rolled her eyes but couldnt help but smile. Pulling away from him she patted his butt playfully as she walked past him. "Let's go." He wiggled after her happily as they left the office. They said goodbye to Jun and Charlie and went down to the still waiting cab. As it pulled away she saw three familiar figures as the rest of A.C.E walked up to the building their dorm was in.

"Oh no." Guerin pointed them out as Seyoon laughed. She texted her friend a warning hoping that she saw it before they resumed activities.

They opted to shower (separately) and go through their nightly skin care routines before settling in for a movie. Seyoon showered first and came out with his pajamas fully buttoned which Guerin found herself almost disappointed by. When she joked about it Seyoon offered to start undoing buttons but she rushed into the bathroom to avoid being distracted. After her turn she found Seyoon in the living room.

"Noona, you're not going to finish drying your hair?" He asked.

"No. It's short enough it'll dry on its own." Guerin only ever towel dried her hair enough to stop it from dripping before moving on with her life.

"You'll get sick! Come here." He motioned in front of him.

She went along with it and sat on the floor but not before saying, "You know thats not real right? It's not scientific."

He shook his head and grabbed the towel he had used for his hair, gently drying Guerin's. [It might be an old wives tale, but I could get used to this...] she closed her eyes, enjoying feeling his legs behind her and his hands in her hair. Until he started making odd patterns, moving her head around unnecessarily and making sound effects. She tried not to smile as she dropped her head backwards into his lap looking up at him.

"Seyoonie..." she said pretending to be stern. He leaned forward, kissed her forehead then dropped the towel on her face.

She jumped up and pushed him on the couch as they both laughed, he allowed himself to be pushed to the side and she lightly slapped his butt twice, "You are too much!" She laughed, pushing on his arm again.

"Noonaaaa!" He said in a suggestive tone, still grinning he bit his lip looking up and her and wiggled his rear end. Her mouth dropped in surprise and she inhaled suddenly before it felt like she couldn't remember how to breath. Covering her mouth with her hands she sat back on the couch and moaned.

"Seyoon-ah you're going to kill me."

He giggled and offered her a wink and finger hearts which got her giggling again. She fanned herself, shaking her head before standing and walking toward the kitchen, "Do you want some popcorn for the movie?"

"Mm." He grunted a yes, watching her in the kitchen as she started the microwave before getting up and joining her. He stepped up behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist and rest his chin on her shoulder. "This spot was made for me." He stated, rubbing his head against hers. Guerin leaned her head against his and they stood enjoying the embrace as she ran her fingers up and down his arms.

"Babe," She used the English word out of habit, "would you get the popcorn bowl." She saw the microwave countdown nearing zero and pointed to the appropriate cabinet. He unwillingly let go but did as she asked, getting the bowl down while the popcorn beeped ready. He turned it upside down and put it on his head before trundling back chanting "Babe." In English over and over again. She looked up at him and froze as he reached out to her. She pursed her lips trying not to laugh and let him sneak a peck on the lips before she snorted once with laughter.

"Why are you like this?" She laughed as he grinned and took the bowl off his head. She took her turn to kiss him, overwhelmed by how cute she found him before refocusing on dumping the popcorn into the bowl.

The rest of the night was spent watching a movie as they cuddled up closer and closer.

"I should go home." Seyoon said, stretching and then pulling Guerin, who had tried to sit up, back into him. She laughed and allowed it.

"You could stay." Guerin offered.

"Do you have extra pillows for the couch?" He asked.

"If you want the couch sure. But you could also come to bed with me." She murmured sleepily into his chest. He froze under her and she realized how that might sound, sitting up quickly.

"I meant, like. Just sleeping I didnt mean. I mean, I want to but, I want it to- I mean it's probably too soon for you and I get that so, like, I just meant-" She was interrupted by Seyoon putting a finger to her lips as he stretched again and sat up, replacing his finger with his lips. Guerin didn't take long to shift gears with him, opening her mouth with his as the kiss deepened and their tongues met. He helped her shift to lay back as he held himself above her with one hand. He used his free hand to guide her hands to his buttons, before reaching to the hem of her long shirt she wore as pajamas. He reached under the material, touching her skin tentatively. She interrupted her important job of undoing his buttons long enough to shuck her shirt off. Their lips met again, running his fingers all along her body. Once she had finished with his shirt she pushed it down from his shoulders. He sat up long enough to take it off completely and he caught her expression as she admired him.

"I know. I'm a snack." He used her slang from the previous week. Guerin's laugh was interrupted as he lowered himself to her neck, throat and clavicle. His hand brushed the fabric of her bra causing her to inhale with expectation, but instead he migrated back up, kissed her lips a few times teasingly and sat back again.

"We should go to sleep." He smiled darkly at her, knowing exactly what he had started. Hopping up he grabbed their shirts and trotted off to the bedroom leaving her behind in shock.

"Yah! You punk!" She finally recovered and chased after him.

[mytearsrricochet]

ok so....inspired by the events that took place tonight (or were rather “exposed” tonight, if you will) I feel this is a good opportunity to share my own story about a similar situation. it’s been awhile since this happened and I don’t tell almost anyone about this. but I feel like talking through it step by step will help me cope. the realization about this thing happening was about 6 or so months ago I think....and I haven’t let myself think about it or really do anything with it because I've been terrified of confronting my feelings. I just wanted to put it behind me and forget about it, but we all know that’s not healthy.

so this doesn’t really relate to anything in this fandom, and it may seem too personal for me to post, but ya know whatever this is my blog and one means of posting about something that happened to me without judgment from people who already know me in the real world (besides just the internet). I'm putting it under a cut because I don’t want to bother people with this long ass story lol.

trigger warnings for abuse, self harm, suicide attempts, all that jazz

so when I was about 12 and a half or so, I embarrassingly took place in a thing that was popular back then (circa 2011/12) which was facebook roleplaying. basically what you did was create a new facebook account for a character you wanted to play, which could either be a character that was canonical or one you made up, but you were usually in a fandom. I roleplayed a character from the hunger games as I was very into the fandom at the time, but I was also very into glee then as well. that meant I was active in both fandoms equally, roleplaying with thg and glee people. it was a way to pass the time and I met a lot of cool people on there.

I became friends with a girl who was roleplaying a glee character very quickly. her real name was Emilee and I facetimed with her a lot and had her on my real facebook. she was really great and she was actually a few months younger than me. no qualms about her in this story. she role-play “dated” a male character from glee, Finn. the guy behind Finn was clearly foreign as he spoke English but pretty choppy. since I was friends with Emilee in real life (not just on facebook), I became friends with the Finn character too. the person behind the facebook account was named James. he was really nice and cool, and I didn’t really go further with him in our friendship in terms of social media. eventually though, Emilee deleted her role-play account very suddenly and blocked me on all social media. I had no idea why until Finn/James told me he would rather role-play date me. please keep in mind I was like 12/13 so this is more dramatic then than it is for me now at 19. I thought it was stupid for Emilee to ghost me like that as I liked finn/James as a friend, but Emilee was a really good friend to me and I was pissed that he would tell her that knowing it would jeopardize our friendship. again, 12 years old. this was a big deal back then.

I ended up getting over Emilee ghosting me pretty quickly, and after talking to finn/James (as my character, not about real-life issues, strictly still role-play) I decided sure why not. Emilee (her character was Rachel) was no longer around and I liked to role-play dating scenarios since I had never had a relationship in real life and I liked to act them out online.

my character (Madge) began dating James’s character Finn. they got engaged, married, whatever. by this point in the role-play timeline though, I had actually grown to know James more personally, and half our conversations were about our own lives. we became actual friends. he was really nice, and eventually, I formed a crush on him. I had never met him, facetimed, Skyped, or anything with him, I just really liked his personality. he was nice and funny and always cared about what I wanted to talk about. naturally I formed a desire to talk to him more, which I probably wrongly perceived as a crush. I just liked attention, and at that age, I was going through a hard time in my life with an abusive person that my father was dating, and I was honestly just trying to find comfort anywhere. James provided it for me.

I was getting bored with roleplaying and was getting anxiety about having a crush on someone I didnt know, so I confronted him about it. he told me he cared for me honestly, not just in the roleplaying world. that was about it at that point. I didnt know what that meant which caused more anxiety. eventually he told me he had a crush on me too, based off of the things we had talked about before, and he wanted to get to know me better. I had just celebrated my 13th birthday around this time. I vividly remember going to church with one of my friends and seeing a long paragraph he messaged me about himself. he was 17, his name was James Levine, and he was from France. I realized at that point I was too scared to tell him my age because it might scare him off, so I let him know I wasn't comfortable with sharing my age, but I shared a lot of other personal stuff like my name and whatever. he understood.

about 2 years goes by, and we are still talking and “dating”. the thing is, he has never shown me a picture of himself, we haven’t talked on the phone, we don’t FaceTime, nothing. I had requested it before, but he always blew me off. I had a really bad feeling in my stomach about it, and I think I always knew what was going on, but he was my outlet during a time where I had either bad friends or no friends, my dad was in and out of rehab, I was living with my emotionally abusive grandmother, and I had no one to rely on. I ignored what I knew in my heart because I just needed someone to talk to. it’s my biggest regret to this day.

anyway, when I was 15, I tell him how old I am. if you do the math, he is 19 by now. he’s kind of upset about the age difference, but he kind of forgets about it, I guess. nothing happened from it. I send him a selfie of me, and it’s the first time he’s ever seen me. the next morning, he sends me a selfie of him. he’s cute. we go about our lives.

he sent me recordings of songs he covered, and sometimes when I was really upset, I listened to them before I went to sleep because his voice soothed me. things seemed pretty normal, but I still had that gut feeling, and I ignored it.

one day I opened my laptop to reverse image search something for a friend, and something hit me...I could reverse image search the pictures he’d been sending me of himself. I started crying before I even clicked the search button because I knew what I was about to see. I was right. he used the picture of some 15 year old model from Portugal. before I even confronted him, I (somehow) sleuthed really well and found the model’s social media and sent him a message on all of it to let him know someone was using his pictures to catfish him. I'm not sure what he could've done about it, but I guess it gave me some satisfaction. he responded “ok”. 

finally I confronted James about it, and his first response was to tell me he wanted to delete his account and never speak to me again. he told me this was for my own good, since there was no way I could ever continue to love him after that. and for some reason...since I honestly had no one at the time...I told him to let me think bout it for a few days. I did, and I returned as if nothing happened. he still neglected to send me a picture after that, and I was pissed.

this was around the time of my first suicide attempt. with everything going on in my life, I couldn’t handle it. he was very scared, understandably, and I tried again a few weeks after the first. for this time, though, instead of being met with sympathy, he told me I was selfish and all i thought about was myself. 

around this time, he also started talking about how sick he was. I always knew he had a heart problem (he told me the specific name but I can’t remember now). he was afraid it was getting worse. whenever I had panic attacks, he would pretend his heart was acting up and leave.

now, I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD since around this time. I had started going to therapy after my second attempt, where I was diagnosed with a multitude of illnesses. one of them was PTSD and one of the triggers, though it has since been handled via therapy, was alcohol. he knew this, and one of the things he always told me was that he hated alcohol and could never drink it. this was good for my situation, as we did one day plan to meet up and get married (yeah, you don’t have to lecture me about that, I know, just keep reading). but one night, he got shitface drunk and told me all about how he had a huge crush on this girl that worked for his dad, and he really wanted to leave me because my depression and PTSD were too much for him, and he couldn’t handle me anymore. in fact, he kissed one of his best friends that night, a girl who he had been friends with for awhile and she always made me really jealous because he would talk about her so often. this sent me into a deep depression that literally took me forever to get out of. I was so hurt for many many reasons.

the next day, he asked me, as if it was no big deal, “so uh I know I told you about the girl Payton, can I leave now? I wanna go ask her out”

I just wanted to include that to note his lack of empathy. typing that made me mad all over, though it was FAR from the worst thing he did.

I didn’t talk to him for about a week, until he came back and said it was just a fascination with the girl and not a crush, and he really loved me. I foolishly said ok. 

one day, I was sitting on my computer, and out of nowhere, I got this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, as if I was going to vomit, and I spent 3 hours surfing youtube to see if the audio clips he sent me of song covers were even his. I have NO idea how I did it, but lo and behold, I found the channel of a guy with those song covers. I remember clicking on a video and hearing the first notes and vomiting all over my lap. I was so upset.

let’s just say I didn’t learn. I forgave him.

he finally sent me pictures of his face, and I was satisfied with that. he sent me voice recordings of him saying my name. I let everything else go, because he did what I asked him to do. still no Skype or phone call.

fast forward a bit, and when I was 17, our relationship was really waning. we wouldn’t talk to each other for days, and when we did, it was nothing of substance. on Black Friday, I went shopping with my friends, and I found the hair dye I'd been wanting to dye my hair for awhile, this metallic blue. I sent him a picture of the bottle and was clearly excited that I had found it. he sent back, “you’d look so ugly in that, I wouldn’t date you if you dyed your hair that color”

contrary to popular belief, I did not suck it up as I did all those years before. I said “ok, guess you don’t have a girlfriend anymore”. that night I went home and dyed my hair an electric blue, and that was a mistake as I didn’t mix the color correctly, but damn if I may say I felt really confident with that bright blue hair after that.

we talked a little bit after that, and he backtracked and said he liked the blue in order to get me back. the night before our 4th anniversary, he broke up with me. and I said “ok. I'm done”. I blocked him on facebook and went on my damn merry way. I was pissed because I never found out what I wanted to know, about who he really was, but I was so done with the years of emotional abuse and neglect from him, all the lies and the insults and the long nights with no sleep and missing school because he would ask me to so he could still talk to me. what a wanker. however, right before I left the account, he told me he thought he might have cancer. I said ok cool and continued on.

fast forward a year, I reactivate the account because I am bored and I wonder if he still has the account. he does. I send a message “hi”. this turns into a few days of talking. I was in college at this point, definitely healed from the wounds he created, though I'm still very insecure about the things he pointed out. finally, I asked him, “can I know the truth?” it took him an hour to reply, and he said “tomorrow. I will tell you everything”

now, that weekend, my roommate’s friend was in town, and I wasn’t sure how that was going to be handled as she was staying in our dorm and I knew if what he would tell me was bad, I'd probably not leave my bed for days.

the day comes, and the first thing he does Is send a voice recording.

typing this part out still hurts, as I never let myself cope with what he told me. the rest of the story is old news and something I honestly don’t care about anymore, but this part just happened 6-7 months ago, and I still can hardly breathe when I think about it.

James was actually...Daniela. she was a 20 year old girl from Mexico who liked to role-play on Facebook as men. she never told anyone about it, and for some reason, instead of just telling me the truth when we decided to talk outside of our role-play characters, she lied to me. she made up WILDLY elaborate stories. I knew I couldn’t trust this person the whole time I was “dating” them, but this was another level. if you’re doing the math correctly, she also lied about her age by a few years, and our age difference was one of the many things that gave me anxiety throughout our “relationship”. 

I literally didn’t get out of bed for 11 hours. my roommate didn’t know what to do with her friend, but eventually I got up. I ended up with my fourth suicide attempt (the third was not mentioned in this story as it was not relevant to Finn/James/Dani). she Brought up the fact that she had told me (as James) that she thought she had cancer and it was very true. she still thought she did.

the next day, she acted as if everything was back to normal. as in, when we were dating. calling me baby, saying I love you. I was so pissed. but for some reason, she sweet-talked me into feeling like this was normal, and for a few days, I even went along with it. until one day, I snapped, and blocked her on everything (at this point I had gotten her snapchat too). I wanted nothing to do with her.

I unblocked her on facebook a day later for some reason, and she sent me 40 messages about how I betrayed her. my last message was “fuck off. I hope you die”.

brutal, but that was the last correspondence I have with her. and I fucking mean it. I hope nothing bad bad things happen to her. I'm still heartbroken over it, though not surprised. 

catfishing is very real, and while I knew what was happening th whole time, that doesn’t mean what happened was ok. I'm WAY better now, but the experience left me with trust issues, severe insecurities, a fear of talking about my mental illnesses because I assume I'll be judged, and a fear of getting close to people.

so yeah. there’s that. sorry about posting, but honestly, this was so therapeutic.

[the-static-and-i]

Panic! At the Disney

//That thing I said about needing fluff after watching Disney movies? I guess I lied :)

Tw: Panic attack, death mentions, trauma mention.

After spending a few months on a property with at least 11 other people and too many animals to count, Samren's new apartment was too quiet. Kat had talked about moving in soon, so it wouldnt stay that way for long, but until then everything was just.. too much.

She usually played movies or YouTube during the day; hearing Jack and knowing it was actually him behind the camera was almost enough to make her smile again, but then he would say something that reminded him of everybody else -- everybody from the server, from Ceph's house, from school, from her parents.

She stopped watching after the third panic attack, resigning herself to only Netflix, at least until Kat got there. That lasted her another few days, until she noticed they had added Princess and the Frog.

She was crying by the first ten minutes, the two very different but positive relationships with fathers and parents in general was salt in the wound she had been trying to fill for years. She couldnt accept that she could never have those relationships, not really.

She loved Sofia, and Jackie and Nic, and Ace and Ceph and Poli, but she couldnt help but wish for more. She wished for her parents to actually love and accept her, and she wished she had happy memories of them to look back on.

She wished she had a dream and a future she could share with them.

She cried into Peter's fur after the credits rolled, not able to bring herself to get up and move for several minutes.

When she finally calmed down she started up another movie, the silence nearly worse than the memories and wishful thinking. This time, Mulan -- the only Disney movie she could remember that hadn't made her cry because of family.

The longer the movie went on, however, she realized how badly she sympathized. How badly she wished she could be the perfect daughter.. Ren was quiet, she had been since Sam stopped watching Jack, but Sam could feel her still around, similar to how she was when Gen was taken. Gen..

Sam's thoughts spiraled away from the movie and her hopes for family, instead shifting to those who had been lost that hadnt come back. To the people she hadnt mourned originally, because everyone else needed her to be strong.

She paused the movie, standing to go to her bed so she could cry in peace, but her knees gave out before she took a full step. She kneeled for a moment, holding Peter to her mouth to quiet her sobs, until she flopped to the side in the fetal position, holding him to her chest and letting herself scream and sob and mourn for the first time since she was 8.

Her clock read 2:09 am when her breathing evened out, and she pushed herself to sit up on shaky arms. The number made her inhale sharply, but she had no more tears to shed after so long. The TV was still on, the idle screen bouncing around reminding her again of Eli. She considered messaging him, but decided he didnt need to see her like this, and hit play on the remote in the hopes of helping her feel better.

By the end of the movie, Sam simply felt numb. "The greatest honor and gift is having you as a daughter." Sam hit the power button, not wanting to see the rest of the scene or movie, period.

She pushed herself up to her knees, crawling to the bed and climbing up, laying in her back and looking up at the glow in the dark stars that were barely glowing.

She wished she had been enough for anybody.

For her parents, her siblings, Brett or Jen or Michelle or Felicia, Anti, Marvin, Jackie, Kat, Ace, Jinx, Day, Poli, Sofia, or Eli.. the more she thought, the longer the list grew. She hadn't been good enough for anyone. She failed all of them one way or the other, and the only reason she had them in her life now was because of Ren. Renee, who Sam had also failed.

Her thoughts drifted again, thinking of how proud she had been of everybody when Anti had fallen, when Jack woke up and the chats were closed. Had anyone been proud of her? Even noticed that she was there? She thought through her time in the loyal, the rats, the devoted, the community. Had she mattered, at all? Sure, to a couple people she made a bit of an impact, but did it matter? Eli and Sofia had let her move on, Ray and Savannah hadnt messaged her back in days, Kat almost seemed to be avoiding moving in.. Kat wouldnt have been hurt if Sam wouldng have gotten involved. So much pain wouldve been avoided if Sam hadnt gotten involved. So yes, she mattered, but only because she hurt people. She hurt Lei, and Nove, and Kat, and Jinx, and Tangle, and Mech.. she had hurt so many people, and she couldnt even apologize to some of them. Lei was in rehab, Mech was off the radar, Nove hadnt trusted her much even after she returned officially and publicly, Kat would insist she had nothing to be sorry for, Jinx wouldnt hear it physically, and Tangle wouldnt hear it emotionally, and-

It was too much, Sam couldnt breathe, her thoughts racing farther and farther, unable to make a sound, but no one to call out to anyway, or so she thought.

Her pulse pounding in her ears drowned out the sound of the front door opening, the quiet call of "Hello?" by an unfamiliar voice, and the footsteps approaching her room. Her vision dimmed, her chest heaving as she desperately tried to breathe. Her hands clawed at the back of her head, caught between pulling her face up from her pillow and pressing it further in to hide herself.

Gentle hands gripped her shoulders and lifted, but she blacked out before she could scream.