#we’re ‘only’ friends but. I literally don’t care. I want my Self to be accepted. vs what type of relationship I have

[void-tiger]

What do I want? To be allowed to love, to feel. Not have to hold myself back, told I’m “too much.” To finally be allowed to unfetter myself with how I interact with someone else. I don’t care if the “intensity” cannot be reciprocated beat for beat or because you need to keep holding yourself back for your own reasons—that’s not the point. I’m not trying to “win” you, not with this anyway. I want to finally feel uncaged.

[kadextra]

having many thoughts about “you have only seen me when I’m crazy” because. yeah

q!Bagi doesn’t have the frame of reference everyone else does. she never knew q!Bad when he was red colored, and the responsible calm egg babysitter. she isn’t aware of how drastic this shift in him is. yet this new island arrival is SUPER worried for him, even more than the islanders who knew him before and got to watch his descent into madness in real-time. there can be multiple reasons for that

all the islanders have a prior perspective of q!Bad being the person who they rely on to help with anything. even if they see him going kinda crazy exploding mines & the changes of his appearance, this is q!Bad we’re talking about! the resident capable & put together guy, he always helps so they may think he knows how to handle it.

and you bet they have so much faith he will recover from… whatever is happening to him, as he always does from any difficult situation. this faith is why they have always trusted q!Bad with the lives of their kids. just gotta give it some time, because everything will be okay once the eggs return, right? (nobody knows the extent of the damage and the lines he crossed. he will have severe consequences)

the majority don’t continue prodding q!Bad with questions when he puts on the denial mask and starts lying to their faces, because they are also doing the same thing. everyone is going through their own unique sorrow, pain & self-isolation arc rn, so the focus/energy in worrying for others is kinda dulled… it’s understandable. the entire island is experiencing grief, so they accept q!Bad is too and don’t bug him much. however, even if they aren’t in the trenches always pushing him for answers, there’s still many people (like forever, baghera, etoiles) who are keeping a watchful eye on his declining condition. <3

q!Bagi is a very different situation though. “you have only seen me when I’m crazy” he’s right. Bagi is the only person on the island to have this unique perspective & understanding of q!Bad. she lacks all of the points above: doesn’t see him as the reliable guy, has no reason to put extreme faith in him, and isn’t emotionally damaged from grief. arriving with nothing, she sees the facts presented in front of her- a kind person she has spent lots of time with and considers her best friend, who is spiraling out of control and needs help.

it’s amazing how quick she adapted to his behavior and doesn’t accept his lies. Bagi is an investigator at heart and puts hard pressure on him to open up, the only other person doing that is q!Foolish. she doesn’t believe Bad is in a state that can be easily recovered from, rather that he is getting worse, and is scared that one day it’ll become too late and he will literally fade away if no action is taken. so she has been running around with urgency, catching onto any piece of relevant info about the eggs, his condition, anything she can use to help him ASAP.

…I want to really stress again how she has never known a version of q!Bad that isn’t flawed and broken. but she still sincerely says “I care about you and will do everything in my power to help you.” and that’s just. ough :(

of course q!Bagi would be the only person who he openly admits not being okay to <3

[thesiouxzy]

TL;DR:

I find solace in writing. I was going to post the piece below but after sending it to my brother & discussing it, I’m not (going to bother posting it on the other social media sites I frequent)

My brother helped me realize that I’m likely wrong, & Trump probably did win everything I mentioned by the majority’s vote. My problem is I hold on to hope for the good in others. I need to let that go & accept that apparently the majority or Americans really are ignorant, selfish dummies who are misogynistic, racist, bigots. It’s beyond disappointing! I thought that I (along with the people I love & consider friends) represented the average person but apparently we’re in a whole other world from the average American! 😳

Roach Rubes come out of the woodwork during elections & unfortunately, as we’ve just seen, outnumber the intelligent, good people. There’s no changing that so… I’m going to continue to fight for my rights & the rights of others but at the same time I’m going to step back from the news, make popcorn & watch the Roach Rubes get their rude awakening once Trump takes office in January. That’s all we can do 🤷🏼‍♀️

Believe me, I would love nothing more than to have their sweet dreams of Trump being an amazing President who makes America an amazing country with all citizens being taken care of come true, but smart people know that’s not Trump. He only cares about himself & money

——- Original post——-

If you’re going to cheat & rig an election, maybe don’t make it so obvious & out your narcissist self by “winning” ALL 7 swing states, plus the majority of the USA, the popular vote (yeah right! 🙄), the house AND the senate 👌🏼😏

This election reeks of being rigged. It’s easy to do when you have billionaires behind you (especially E. Mu*k) who want to make as much money as they can, plus evil leaders in countries like Russia & North Korea who will also benefit off Trump being president

In addition to all of this, Harris Walz had major hype, hope, & (not that this matters but still) some of the most powerful celebrity endorsements (Taylor Swift, Beyoncé, Oprah & many more). How does anyone with a (normal) brain not find this extremely fishy & demand it gets looked into immediately?! 🤷🏼‍♀️ Instead, less than 24 hours after the election, Biden, Harris & the Obamas are congratulating Trump on his win & telling the rest of us to hang in there & have hope. This is Bizarro World! 🤯 Is this really happening or am I asleep having a nightmare?

We’re really supposed to believe a complete POS man, who is a bully & an absolute embarrassment & disgrace, a convicted felon who has threatened to strip the rights/protection of many, eliminate important programs, deport thousands of immigrants (many of whom, like it or not, hold jobs that are crucial to keeping our country running) & literally spelled it all out in a 900 page agenda, won the election in a landslide AND the popular vote to boot?

[stuffyflowers]

Ok payback for last one I'm gonna pay you to yap now

Sans/Toriel, Ceroba/Alphys, Starlo/Dalv (Because I'm evil)

Oh, and Sona/Ceroba. I'll give you some respite after throwing in the one I know you hate :3c

Finally back from touching sand and playing with friends I can answer these

Sans and toriel is like staroba to me I honestly don’t care if it’s romantic or not I just think they’re so important to each other regardless of how you personally see em. So makes sense n compels me. Don’t have much more to say honestly no notes. um shoutout to that moment in the pacifist ending where sans steals her phone and pretends to be her im thinkin abt it again,, they’re so cute guys ]: )

Ceroba and alphys is the definition of makes no damn sense but compels me. Like the chances of either of them voluntarily being in the same room as each other for any amount of time is sooo unlikely but ‘women who project their self loathing onto each other bc they recognise their own faults and mistakes in them’ is my favourite ship dynamic right now it’s so good. Obviously alphyne and cerobas friendship with starlo is the healthiest outcome for each of them in their respective pacifist endings but what if they just made each other worse forever and ever actually 💖 Be each others outlet for their own guilt, drag each other further down into a self destructive pit, forever believing they are rotten to the core and no one could ever forgive or understand them… um!

🌽 yaoi booooooo 🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅boooooooo🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅utdr fans we need to set higher yaoi standards there’s so much we could be cooking here but the one we’re latching onto is ‘guys who spoke to each other exactly once and have absolutely nothing interesting going on’ yaoi bc haha funny name + only (shippable) men in the main uty cast let’s be real here. Random thing that makes me lol when I think abt it is they’re literally standing as far away from each other as possible at all times in the one scene they’re actually in together like bros…….. there is nothing here. Sorry + no sense + not compelling + go ship starlo/el bailador or something instead im begging

Sonaroba obviously very similar boat to alphys and ceroba. My beloved trio of women who make mistakes that hurt people while trying to help/protect them. Sonaroba is even more interesting to me bc sona is essentially a worse-case-scenario ceroba: she never had that community to pull her out of her spiralling and grow as a person, she controls almost everyone. Staying this stagnant for as long as she has also means she’s even more stubborn than ceroba, too: ceroba is able to see the error in her thinking as soon as martlet is actually given the chance to reason with her, meanwhile sona in the imperfect endings doubles down on her initial perception of the monsters even when she acknowledges beforehand that she was wrong. She just can’t accept it. There’s so much to dig into 4 kcy. How would sona react to finding out what ceroba did, and how similar it is to her situation? Is there a mutual understanding that forms between them after they come clean to each other or does ceroba just become sonas scapegoat, “See? Monsters can’t be trusted! They will lie to and deceive you just to get what they want!” Would ceroba try to save her after the truth comes out by reasoning with her, even in the imperfect ending where she turns all of her friends into humans against their will?? What’s the limit for how far she’s willing to go to save a fucked up reflection of herself? Augh. Anyway. It’s a “kind of makes sense in the context of kissy cutie where the entire plot revolves around getting monsters to date frisks shitty racist aunt but probably not in any other context + COMPELS ME‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️”

[laurzvahll]

8, 9, and 15 for the self insert ask meme?

hihiii thank you for the ask!! this batch was kind of fun to do (warning this one might get long)

8. what is your self insert’s orientation?

Truth be told, Sol has a bit of a hard time with labels, or at least used to. It took them a good while to be comfortable in their identity, and a lot of the time they put off even thinking about it due to feeling like they already had so much on their plate LOL. For orientation, they’d never felt connected to any label like bisexual or pansexual and etc. They identified as different ones growing up but now as an adult, they don’t really care I guess you could say, and they’re much happier just calling themselves Queer. Sol likes who they like, no matter the gender and that’s just how it is :3. And they are also Ace, which took them way longer to figure out, but they feel really content in that aspect of their identity.

For gender identity which I felt is also important to mention.. If they were a char in the show I’d want their gender to be like part of this fun bit where it’s never confirmed or anything and so a lot of the other characters often have this moment where they wonder… is that a pretty guy or a handsome girl? Yk, being confusing for funnies, but they just “are”. Like they aren’t a gender, they’re just Sol LMFAOO. And in the non gag anime way, their gender identity is a little more complicated. To strangers and the public eye, they’re comfortable with being seen as a man , even tho though don’t feel like one or identify as one, at least not fully. It’ll always be confusing for them, maybe never fully clear, but as long as they’re happy and comfortable presenting in whatever way they want, the label doesn’t really matter to them in the long run.. so Non binary is what feels right for now. (Fun Sol fact.. they’ve also had top surgery!)

9. who are your self insert’s closest friends?

I lovee this question.. I’ve mentioned them before, but in Sols story their closest friends before they grow close with karamatsu and later the res of the matsunos, their closest friends are Beck and Mimi :D my friends ocs!

I had to draw them for this one bc I love them so much. Sol meets Mimi at their convenience store job almost immediately after moving to Japan, and spending almost every day together leads to them quickly clicking and becoming friends, soon beginning to hang out outside of work … and becoming even closer when Sol confides in Mimi about their whole situation with their new painful blue friend that starts slowly snowballing into something bigger…. It takes a little while longer for Sol to become friends with Beck, since Beck actually meets Mimi first through his new friend Jyushimatsu, who is also friends with Mimi! Along with Ichimatsu and Todomatsu :P my friend Otter only recently made Beck so there’s stuff we’re still figuring out story wise, but rest assured they all get into silly antics together and get to hear Sol ramble on and on while they yell at them to open their eyes and accept there’s something that changed and is definitely going on with them and their friend.. I have this really funny lore bit with Mimi and the three youngest matsus that want to post about sometime soon.. but we shall see

Last but not least, 15. how does your self insert play a role in the plot of the story? do they help directly defeat the villain, support the heroes, etc.?

Sol was never meant to play any sort of role in the story, and I’d still say that they barely add anything to canon at all.. but im not sure how to explain. Sol was always meant to be a background character, but like in a literal sense. Show wise. They weren’t supposed to have a name, or friends or a past, they were just supposed to exist in the background and appear every once in a while. Even after they arrived in Japan. That was until they met the sextuplets, and it’s like they were suddenly aware. Like those silly posts you see about people talking about when they gain consciousness LOL, but literally. They were sort of shoved into this whole new world with new BIG overwhelming feelings and memories, almost as if a life had materialized from thin air, and one that had not treated them kindly in the past.

They still don’t play any sort of role in the canon universe, but something definitely changed. A change that they were not ready for, but became grateful for.. in the long run.

[astrognossienne]

notes on cancer women

Cancer women don’t run down men. We MAKE them come to us with our lunar pull and when they’re with us we treat them better (sexually and otherwise) than almost any other woman in the zodiac. We’re the first water sign and as such, our pussies stay wet and we know how to get dicks hard as well as wet. We’re the best sex in the zodiac and men are hooked on us. We’re also the most feminine. We’re the women who can best intuit our man’s needs and desires. We’re the ones that can hang with his (guy) friends. We’re the ones who can even chill with other women, if they’re secure enough. We’re the ones he takes home to mom. Other girls are for a good time, we’re here for a long time. We’re the types that a man marries. We’re literally every woman. However, we’re also independent af so although we love to be with someone, most times we know how to be alone. My friends are constantly asking me when I will get a boyfriend and I have no intentions of dating right now (plus most relationships are shallow af so I don’t want to be part of that drama). Single life is lit.

Our personalities are so kind and deeply caring that they may look manufactured to a lot of people who don’t understand us, but trust me, they are REAL. We are THAT crazy lol. We HATE being fake and we hate fake people. I literally don’t understand how someone can be fake and live with themselves. Also, we get it, as the emotional creatures that we are, our personalities can go from one extreme to the next but WE CAN’T HELP IT. I sometimes don’t even understand my own goddamn self and I find myself doing shit I didn’t even think I would ever do the day before.

Depending on who you are and how you treat us, we can be the sensitive sweethearts you love, or we can be the sensitive sweethearts you love to hate. Whether we (or others) like it or not, most Cancer women generally express their feelings so openly and it makes all sorts of people get involved—and unfortunately it’s usually the wrong people.

As to the degree of emotional transparency we have…it depends on the moon sign of the Cancer woman really. As a Capricorn moon, the only, ONLY other person who can spot that something is wrong with me emotionally is my mother. I actually care about certain things, I have a really big heart to the few that deserve it, but I don’t really show it.

About the selfish thing, yes as Cardinal signs, we may come off as selfish human beings who have no regards for anyone but ourselves but when you get to know us, we really have one of the biggest hearts of the zodiac. We actually care for people, but we are a very cautious sign and we gotta know each other first before we care THAT much.

Oh and we let you walk out of our lives, so the “clingy” stereotype really needs to die. We’re loyal and we don’t give up on people, but we don’t really run down people either (at least not for too long). Just make sure that if you decide to walk away from us, be sure that you are REALLY done with us, because if you decide to try and come back in, it is 1000x harder the first time (if you’re accepted back at all).

We may come off as rude, but the truth is, we see bullshit before ANYONE else does. Our intuition is head and shoulders above ALL of the other signs. I remember two years ago, people wondered why I was constantly giving this girl the side eye whenever she was right beside me, two years later they FINALLY understand. Sometimes we really do say things that can actually hurt others (we sometimes don’t understand it because we’re the type to want people to like us) but most times we don’t mean to hurt anyone. We would go home and feel guilty about it and internalize it and feel bad for days. Well…that’s in my case.

I see a lot of utterances on here and elsewhere about how Cancers aren’t smart and aren’t regarded for their intelligence. Alan Turing? Helen Keller? Nikola Tesla, anyone? And again, we’re smart enough to see bullshit before anyone else does, so how tf are we dimwitted???

I also hear and read that we’re “followers”. Followers? Are you sure you are looking at the right zodiac sign? Because if anything, the unpopular truth is that folks follow us. We’re cardinal signs and we’re the leaders of emotion, as such, we make it okay for others to be kind and to care and to be nurturing and empathetic. We do our own thing, roll our own way and we like being uniquely us. We aren’t the ‘follow the crowd’ type of sign. If you are looking for that, head on over to Libras and Pisces.

Reading about how salty everyone is towards Cancer women, just goes to show that we are VERY misunderstood. We’re the shit without having to shit on anyone. I guess that burns people up, lol.

Also, if any of you people have any problems with a Cancer in your life (and by the way Cancers are talked about/not talked about/willfully ignored/written about/dismissed it seems everyone and their grandmother’s dog does lol), talk to them, be REAL with them. PLEASE tell them how you’re feeling. Tell them EVERYTHING. Vent it out. Even if it hurts. At the end of the day, we do not like fakeness and we are DEFINITELY not the sign to deal with that.

We can be earnest and genuine to a fault and we find it really annoying when confronted with someone who isn’t; we’ll try to deal with you to an extent, but the more evolved among us won’t even bother, we’ll just give up and walk away. If we just someone, the more evolved among us will take our actions into consideration since unlike all the other signs, we truly don’t like hurting anyone, ESPECIALLY the people we actually care about. Again, depending on the moon sign (since we’re lunar creatures), we may or may not show it, but we do care.

If we have a problem with a friend or lover, we have the rare ability to articulate it without sounding accusatory. But if we’ve done something wrong, we take the blame rather than blaming them. We are never jealous without reason, and no matter how badly someone wrongs us, we never fall into the trap of self-pity. We calm others down rather than get them riled up. Despite the unfortunate name of this star sign, we are the cure for relationship cancer.

I’m dying to know the date and time you fell to earth from heaven. Do you have pictures? You’re almost too good to be real, but in a world of fakes, you’re the real deal. You’re that good, and anyone who doesn’t realize it the moment that they meet you is going to cause you trouble. Whenever someone has a problem with you, I don’t even need to hear the details. I already know that they’re in the wrong. Did you ever hear someone say, “It’s not you—it’s me”? Trust them when they say that. It’s not you. It’s them. It’s never been you, and it’s ALWAYS been them.

[icedmatchatae]

Glimpse of Us | KTH Chapter IV: Everything We Didn't Say

Pairing: Problematic Idol Taehyung x Grad Student Reader

Genre: Idol AU, Ex-Childhood Best Friends into—, Angst (Hello, welcome to my angst central), Fluff (mainly in the flashbacks), Slow Burn, Eventual Smut

Summary: BTS’s V has been living a lavished and successful lifestyle, but underneath all of that, Kim Taehyung is far from the perfect image the media and fans made him out to be. All he wants is to relive the feelings of happiness and purpose in his life, but how can he when he left behind those memories years ago? The same memories, he hopes to see a glimpse of.

Warning: This is a big one lol, heavy ANGST, flashbacks (including fighting you’re about to see how their friendship ended and guess who fucks up, crying, insecurities (self and relationship), mentions of the deceased, minor character death in the past), unhealthy life habits (a/n: pls don’t do this to yourself! Take care of your body/self-care)

Word Count: 17.5k

A/N: I would also like to point out that the story's first half is about understanding their relationship and gradually their individual lives. It goes back and forth between the past and present. Specific timeframes (like Taehyung as a trainee) will be mentioned but not all. As time goes on, things will start to unravel. BTW: when I say football, I mean soccer lol

Chapter IV: Everything We Didn't Say || Series Masterlist

You paced back and forth on the front porch as you played with your fingers to calm yourself. The clouds covered the cerulean sky and bright heating sun on a cooling fall weekend afternoon. Leaves shifted to their rustic tones, hardening to a crisp. Some tried their best to stick onto the trees while others fell elegantly, being done for the season.

As for you, you dressed extra special today and saved up some money for it as well. A brown oversized sweater over a muted green linen maxi dress paired with your old dirty pair of black shoes. You saved enough for the outfit but not the shoes. Your hair was half up, held by a scrunch that was the same color as your dress.

Though in one of your best attires yet, you waited anxiously for your grandparents to be ready. Well, they were already ready to go for the day but what was missing was Taehyung.

You’ve been waiting for almost an hour and called and texted him countless times, but he had yet to answer you. You told him months in advance, weeks, days, and literally hours before, and he still wasn’t here.

“Sweets, we have to go. We’re gonna be late.” Your grandmother informed as she saw your distressed state. Your lips were in between your teeth, not wanting to give up faith in your best friend. You blinked towards your grandmother as she could only smile empathetically.

“We have a long drive, ___.” Your grandfather came out of the house and locked the door.

You checked the time on your phone, an hour over the scheduled time. You sighed as you glanced over at the Kim residence, seeing no one was home. You frowned as you felt the tears attempting to come out. He was supposed to be there with you.

You nodded to your grandparents as you all walked towards the car. You and your grandfather loaded the back with baskets of food, a picnic blanket, flowers, and candles. Once you closed the trunk, you called Taehyung once more to which no avail so you ultimately accepted that he wasn’t coming.

Your family drove off the property and left Geochang for the time being as your destination was the Daegu City Cemetery where you spent almost the entire day there.

By the time you were back home in Geochang, it was already late in the night, ten at night to be exact and that was past your grandparents’ bedtime. All of you were tired from the day trip, more so you. You kept crying the ride too when you were at the cemetery and the ride from. It was a miracle you didn’t cry during dinner, but you showed you were upset.

Your grandparents—blessed their hearts—tried their best to cheer you up but it was rather difficult with a day like today and your best friend not being there with you. So they let you be and comforted you here and there.

As you unloaded the car, you heard footsteps pressing into the gravel and coming your way. You didn’t bother looking since you knew who it was and finally decided to show up.

“Blue!” Taehyung greeted you with a hug and a kiss on your head. Though this behavior was typical, it left a sour taste right now and you didn’t like it. Instead of hugging back, you pushed him away which surprised the boy. You glared at him before heading to your front door with the basket in your hands.

Your grandfather opened the door for you to come inside but Taehyung gripped your armand held you back. You tried tugging your limb, but he wasn’t budging. “Blue, what’s wrong?” He questioned. Confusion grew in his expression, not aware of why you were being like this to him.

“Nothing’s wrong, Taehyung.”

“Okay, something’s definitely wrong.” He disagreed, shaking his head. “You always call me Hyungie. Tae, when you’re annoyed or irritated. Taehyung, when you’re pissed at me.” You loved how much he knew you, but hated how much he knew you. 

You huffed as you gripped the basket. Your grandfather came next to you and took what you held in his hands. “I’ll bring these in, ___. Talk to Tae, okay?”

You scrunched your nose in displeasing, seeing how your grandfather had a soft spot for your best friend. He wanted you to talk it out, and you will but you’re just angry with Taehyung.

When your grandfather went inside and closed the door, you crossed your arms and leaned into one leg. “Where were you today?” You snapped, interrogating him right off the bat.

“No need for the attitude, Blue.” He mumbled, hating how you scolded him. “I went to the beach party!”

Your eyes widened in disbelief. “W-what?”

“Yeah, you know the second-year Lee Jungjae, our sunbae?” Your best friend mentioned. You didn’t know who he was, because you couldn’t keep up with Taehyung’s gazillion friends. “Well, he personally invited me to his birthday beach party. I had to sleep over at his house because we had to take the bus all the way to Pohang. It was tiring but so fun, like—”

“So you just went without me? Without me knowing?” You grilled him, your temper slowly thinning the more he spoke.

“I mentioned it to you the other day…” He reasoned, trying to defend himself. “But Jungjae Hyung didn’t say to bring guests because of the trip. I’m sorry—”

“I don’t care about the stupid beach party, Taehyung!” You yelled. Your cheeks burned hot with the frustration that built up and was ready to explode. “I don’t care about your sunbae, or the fucking trip, or how much you had fun!”

“___, why are you so mad? It’s not like you were sitting at home doing nothing. When I came back, Halmeoni said your family was gon—”

“Taehyung, we went to the cemetery in Daegu.” You interjected, your voice softened at the end of your sentence. “It was my parents’ tenth death anniversary.”

Then Taehyung’s confused and offended face morphed into the eye-opening realization that he fucked up. “That was today? Blue, I for—”

“I’m upset with you.” You told him. “You knew how important it was for you to be there.”

Due to the distance, time, and financial obligations, it was difficult to schedule a time to go visit your parents every year. Your grandparents had their shop and farm to manage and you were still in school as well as your grandmother had health concerns from time to time. The only thing you could do was put up a photo frame of your parents on the top of your dresser. 

As it was close to their ten years, you begged your grandparents to go to Daegu where they were buried. Reason being that it has been a long time and you would love to see them. Though they grew older and weaker by the second, of course, they did their part in making it happen. While doing so, you asked Taehyung to be there for you.

Since they died when you were so young, you had little memories of them. But with all you could remember, you told the stories to your best friend. You knew your parents would have loved Taehyung and he would love them. That’s why you asked Taehyung to come, not only for you and your support but for him to meet your parents for the first time and talk to them as if they were here.

Taehyung was stoked about the days coming to today, so it disappointed you when he said he has forgotten. But what hurts the most was that he chose his other friends over you.

Over time, this has been an issue between you two that was rather conflicting on your end. Though you knew how sociable Taehyung was from the second you met him, it made you jealous to see him hanging out with others. Of course, he always included you, but you knew at times, that you weren’t as welcomed.

You overheard peers whispering and murmuring why someone like Taehyung hung out with someone like you, quiet, awkward, and nervous. Some girls even tried to be your friend to get closer to Taehyung. That led to you confronting him about it and letting him have fun with his friends by himself. You reassured him that it was okay with you as you had his siblings to hang out with. It was a chance for Taehyung to reach his social butterfly status while you thrived with being a hermit. You certainly didn’t mind, but you envy those around Taehyung who were able to interact so easily.

Recently, he has been spending more time with older students after joining the football team. He has gotten popular when he went into high school. You were still in your last year of middle school as you were the same age as his sister. You loved how well he fitted into the crowd, but it felt like he left you behind and didn’t want to hang out with a recluse like you. You were considered a “kid.” You gradually became insecure about your friendship with him, worrying if you were meant to be his true best friend. You were so sensitive about it, so this stung way more than anticipated. That was something you never told him.

“I’m sorry, ___. I really am, I…” He apologized, but it didn’t work when he saw your eyes swell into tears and your chest bounce once you cried. “Blue, nooo.” He was utterly guilty, he wanted to embrace you and give you comfort but you rejected his touch.

“I-I w-wanted you there!” You wept with your palms covering your face. “I called you, texted you, and you didn’t answer.”

“Blue, please let me make it up.” He pleaded, making the chance to clutch onto your wrists and pull them away to see your teary face. He felt so ashamed that he was the reason you were crying. “Please, don’t cry. I’m sorry.” He replicated the tears you produced.

You shook your head as you wiped your face with your sweater. You brought back your wrists to your frame, gesturing that you didn’t want him to touch you. “I don’t want to see you right now. You hurt me today, I can’t.”

“___, no, please. I’m sorry.” He refused, not wanting your demand. You’ve never said that to him. Though he bugged the shit out of you almost every day, you always wanted to see him. He couldn’t live without seeing you or being with you. He didn’t want to leave you hurt by him like this, he never meant to harm you. “Don’t do this, Blue.”

“I just need some time away from you.” You responded briefly.

“But—”

“Don’t make me madder than I already am!” You shouted crudely. “Now back to your fucking friends that you love oh so much and just forget about me!” Word vomit spewed out your mouth without intention. There was so much that angered, saddened, and overall tired you, you couldn’t help it.

Both of your eyes grew at what you said. You merely inhaled sharply while Taehyung shook his head in denial. There was no way he could forget about you.

“Blue, I’ll neve—”

You didn’t let him finish his sentence as you scurried to the entrance and closed and locked the door from behind. You heard Taehyung trying to follow you in, but he was too late to catch you.

He knocked constantly on the door. “Blue, ___, please. Don’t do this. I’m sorry! I fucked up, but I’ll never forget you. You’re my best friend, my Blue! Please I’m sorry. I’ll make it up!” He sobbed through behind the doorway. You stayed silent, crying and waiting for him to leave first but he kept pounding and professing his apologies and regrets. But they still weren’t enough for you.

This was the biggest fight yet.

“Tae!” Hoseok snapped his fingers in front of his younger member. Taehyung shook his head and blinked hard before scanning his eyes at his alarmed members.

After being separated for some time, Jimin and Namjoon thought it was a good idea to have a little lunch get-together to catch up with each of us. Hoseok released his solo album in the past month, striking many records. Yoongi has been busy with collaborations with other artists. Namjoon got back from a European trip. Jungkook has been going back and forth to the United States for recordings. Seokjin made appearances on various cooking shows. Finally, Jimin came back from Busan after resting with his family before going back into the studio. 

All in all, the guys were doing well with the pause and shift in career focus. Well, not all. Though Taehyung looked forward to the lunch, he knew that his updates were mainly him and his therapy because right off the bat, Yoongi insisted on knowing the progress.

Taehyung was lucky enough that the set-up happened the day after his session, so he bullshited whatever was said that time and nothing more. This week wasn’t any better, unlike the previous ones. The idol refused to speak out as much and stayed in silence with Dr. Im until the time was over. It was unsettling with improvements because Taehyung couldn’t care less right now.

Both his members and his therapist meant no harm in his life, but couldn’t help but feel bothered. They cared enough to help the idol, but was it really enough for him to live by? Almost every question asked patronized him and his actions rather than explaining why or how it is.

Like yesterday, maybe it was all in Taehyung’s head, Dr. Im wondered what has been happening with him in the past two weeks to have a sudden shift in his behavior in therapy. While the idol said nothing, Dr. Im claimed further if someone or something occurred that changed your life. Perhaps it was because the professional knew what was happening even without context, and it ticked the idol off and decided to end the session twenty minutes early. Again, Dr. Im was just doing his job.

However, his members… were a piece of work with him. They wanted every detail and what he did after, then they would comment on it and tell him what he should do. That was how the cycle went and suddenly Taehyung wished he never came to the lunch and never seen them a little longer. 

“Are you good, bud?” Hoseok asked once more. “You seem out of it.”

“Something happened?” Yoongi questioned. “If something did and you’re not tel—”

“No, I can’t say if I’m good when I’m going to therapy now, isn’t it?” Taehyung interjected passive-aggressively. 

The slight comment shifted the aura of the lunch. Things were still rocky from the last time, being the same members talking—Taehyung, Yoongi, and Namjoon, but the older members thought to live passed that and be grateful to see their younger again. But by the look on the older’s face, Yoongi was about to call him out.

“What Tae means is that…” Jimin intervened to ease the tension before it erupted. “You’ve been awfully quiet since we’ve sat. You barely even ate.”

It was always Jimin coming to the rescue to protect his friend. Couldn’t blame the dude, that was his ride or die. He was the most patient when it came to Taehyung and his actions, was always there for him, gentle towards him, and was an overall caring best friend.

Taehyung was appreciative, but there were times when it was a bit overbearing like he couldn’t take care of or defend himself. It made Taehyung feel useless and pitiful, which irked him.

“Umm,” Taehyung sighed, poking his chopsticks and the cold cooked meat sitting on his plate. “It’s nothing bad, but just in my mind.”

“Something happened between you and Clara?” Seokjin asked, which brought a disturbingly positive shift into the group’s mood apart from Taehyung. “Haven’t heard about her in a while. You two doing good?”

Taehyung deathly wanted to scowl in revulsion at how much the boys loved her. After all, they were the ones who talked him into asking her out on a date in the first place. They endeared her so much that they thought that she was really a pillar in Taehyung’s life and helping him better himself.

Taehyung hummed noncommittally and shrugged, “Same old. She’s just been busy with work and online presence while I’m…not. She understands though, I guess.”

“Tell her we said hi!” Namjoon smiled. “Hope we can see her again soon.”

“Yeah, I’ll make sure to tell her.” Taehyung was most likely sure that he wouldn’t send back the thanks. She recently was getting on his nerves for being so quiet these past weeks and not texting right away. The idol reassured her that he was tired and focused on his solo project, but he knew that there was more to it.

“Then what’s the matter, Hyung?” Jungkook cocked an eyebrow as he chewed.

Taehyung had to think about how to approach this. He didn’t necessarily tell anyone what happened between you two, recently that is. Before they debuted, Taehyung was sure that they remembered you or some bits. They also knew what happened that ended your friendship since it happened weeks before their debut and Taehyung was somewhat of a mess. They haven’t met you, but they knew how much you meant to him.

But that was before.

His therapist had speculations but came out empty-handed so far. Seojoon and Wooshik tried to get some information out of the idol on you, but Taehyung was a hard shell to crack. They needed the electric saw or metal-cutting machine to know exactly who you were.

So no one knew you were back, physically, in his mind, thoughts, memories, and emotions.

But then he pondered for a while. He has been sulking and distraught over this alone, yet he had much support around him asking what was going on. It was truly the work of his stubbornness. The reason was unknown, or difficult for his brain to comprehend.

Maybe because he simply wanted to have you back on his own. Maybe his selfishness to know you and no one else does. Maybe his overthinking thoughts of anxiousness about how others would react to finding out who you were and what happened. Maybe all?

At this point, reasonably the best thing to do was tell someone. After what you said to him a couple of weeks ago that led him into his emotional downward spiral, he hated feeling hopeless and scared. He didn’t want you to see him in that light, fearful of the stinging burn that could keep you away forever. The words he spoke to you may have not been the best way to say—you were always scolding him on stuff like that—you knew deep down he meant well.

But you were rather difficult, another trait he remembered when you got mad or upset. You tended to say things you don’t mean while also distancing yourself.

Ypu can say Taehyung needed some help with you?

“Do you remember ___?” Taehyung began, which lead to many confused expressions around the table.

“Who?” Hoseok questioned, nothing popping up in his head as he sipped his drink.

“Uhhh, the name sounds familiar?” Namjoon responded while in his thoughts. “Can you explain more?”

“___ ___, my best friend back home,” Taehyung mentioned, but yet there was no ringing in their minds. “I’m sure you all remember her. I used to call her every single night ever since I came to Seoul.”

Jimin’s face lit up as he snapped his fingers in his realization. “Ahh, ___! It was so hard to remember her name because you always called her Bl—”

“You can’t say that name, only I can.” Taehyung squinted his eyes at his best friend. Though Jimin smirked cheekily, for a second, he questioned Taehyung’s reaction.

“Ohhh, ___! Yeah, I remember now.” Seokjin gasped, and the gears in his brain started moving. “I used to get pissed off at the both of you for keeping me awake.”

“Oh, yeah! With all the calls.” Hoseok nodded, remembering as well. “Your giggling and whining still haunt my sleep.” He joked with a playful glare at Taehyung, making the younger shrug.

“Yeah…name with no face. It’s been a while since we heard her name.” Jungkook stated. “Why’d you bring her up?”

Taehyung tapped his fingers on the table, picturing the first time he saw you again. “I met her again couple weeks back. She’s in Seoul now.”

Seokjin hummed in response, “Really? Interesting. Who knew?”

“Not me,” Taehyung muttered with a light forced chuckle.

“Yeah, didn’t you tell us you had a falling out before? I remembered it pre-debut.” Hoseok heard Taehyung’s comment and spoke up about it. “I assume the reunion wasn’t all on purpose.”

Taehyung licked his lips and nodded, “It was random. She works at a small restaurant in a sketchy part of Seoul, but it’s really good. I went with Seojoon Hyung and Wooshik Hyung. We should go sometimes.” When he said, he hoped they took that suggestion lightly but he knew Jimin and Jungkook would be down. “I found out she’s going to school in the city, she’s in a grad program, she didn’t tell me what though. Actually, these were her responses to my Hyungs. The whole time she didn’t even talk to me, practically never looked my way no matter how much I tried.”

It was at that moment, everyone knew they couldn’t blame you. The rest of the members didn’t know who you were deeply, but they felt for you and you seemed nice, judging by the very few interactions you had with them over the phone. What Taehyung did was hurtful and cruel even from an outsider’s perspective. They all knew it from experience. 

“Can’t blame her…” Namjoon said what everyone thought about.

Taehyung’s eye twitched. He didn’t need to say it out loud. “Yeah, I went back again, but alone that time, and she basically told me to go fuck myself.”

“Sorry, Tae.” Jimin frowned, patting his best friend’s back.

“Well, did she even want you there in the first place?” Yoongi inquired, but that made Seokjin glare at his younger for being harsh. “What? I’m being honest after what happ—”

“Please, don’t mention it, Hyung.” His words damaged Taehyung’s emotions, and he scrunched his face as the brutal memory replayed in his mind. Yoongi did not apologize, but he managed to shut up. “It was just nice seeing her again, an old face—a familiar face, a good memory.” You were always the best memory.

“I’m sure it was. It’s been a while since you’ve seen her.” Hoseok acknowledged.

“But then again, you should know the feeling isn’t mutual, Tae.” Namjoon pointed out, trying to get Taehyung to think realistically. “It seems she’s not over it and you know what you did.”

“I know, but…” Taehyung didn’t know how to express his thoughts in words. He was blanking out despite his mind running 200 km per hour. “With how shitty my life’s been going, even if she hates my fucking guts, I actually enjoy her presence. She’s my best friend! I’d want to rekindle what we had.”

The way Taehyung explained it made Jungkook have concerning thoughts. He seemed more expressive with you than his own girlfriend. “You should probably be careful, Hyung.” Taehyung cocked his head to the side to face the youngest. “I—I’m not saying Clara’s the jealous type, but….”

“What does she have to do with ___?” Scoffing at the youngest member, he eyed him out with hostility. Taehyung felt a sudden sense of protection over you.

“Don’t be like that, please?” Jungkook frowned, not wanting to get on his older friend’s bad side. “What I’m saying is that it sounds like you’re over here talking about some other chick and wanting her back when you clearly have a girlfriend.”

“She’s not some girl. She’s been my best friend for literally twenty years! More than all of you!”

“Not really, if you didn’t see each other in years…” Namjoon commented which made Taehyung clench his jaw but say nothing.

Taehyung closed his eyes and controlled his breathing while balling his anger into his fist. “What was your point, Jungkook?”

“Well, does Clara know about ___?” Jungkook asked sincerely. “If ___ meant something to you, then you should have told your girlfriend about her.”

Taehyung bit his lip while processing the question. He then shook his head before drinking his soda. “No, because I met Clara way after my falling out with ___. I didn’t think it mattered.” There was no way in hell, he’d tell Clara about you. There was more to the explanation, but Taehyung was currently unaware of why it was like that. 

“It kinda does matter now, especially when you want ___ back in your life.” Jimin reasoned as he stared at his best friend. “We can support you, but just be cautious.”

“It’s just…I—let’s not talk about that right now. I should have never told you guys.” Taehyung regretted his decision in revealing you. He knew that nothing went the way he wanted it to and didn’t like what was said. 

Hoseok pouted, reaching out to squeeze Taehyung’s hand. “No, don’t say that. We appreciate you telling us! We’re just worried about you and Clara. If ___ comes back, then you’d obviously have to tell her.”

“Just don’t fuck up with it,” Yoongi concluded bluntly. “You’ve been with Clara for five years and still going strong. If ___ isn’t back, then leave it. It doesn’t matter anymore. It’s not worth losing your relationship.”

What did Yoongi know about relationships? He was severely single. And what did he know about Taehyung’s relationship? Nothing, that’s what. None of them knew yet pulled shit out of their ass and spoke highly of his girlfriend. However, when it came to you, they treated you like some side character reprising an insignificant role. But you were never like that. You will never be.

“The point I’m telling you is that I met ___,” Taehyung replied, wanting this discussion to be over immediately. “And for the record, I’ve decided something.”

“Which is?” Seokjin asked.

Taehyung looked down at his plate, mindlessly glazing at the untouched noodles. He smirked as a memory came up. “There’s a reason why we were best friends.”

-

“Yes, I understand. I’ll pay the other half at the end of the month, please.” You nodded as you spoke into your phone. “I just need time.”

“___, you know you don’t need to do this all on your own. I’m sure your other relatives can help,” The nurse on the other side replied. “I’ve talked to your cousin and she sa—”

“It’s fine, I promise.” You quickly denied. “This responsibility landed on me and I fully accept it.”

He sighed into the microphone, “So strong as always, ___. It’s okay to rely on others.”

“Maybe.” You said, brushing what was said off. “I need to go now, I’m off my break soon. But don’t tell him, okay?”

“I’m sure he knows—”

“Please, Moobin.” You begged, feeling slightly uneasy. You didn’t want him to be worrying about you, especially with this.

“Okay, fine. I won’t.” Moobin answered, succumbing to your request. “Lucky for you, telling him would only worsen the condition.”

“It’s still not good either way, but thank you.” Appreciating his efforts, you nodded as you looked at the time. “Okay, I have to go but keep me updated.” You said before bidding goodbye to the nurse and hanging up.

You exhaled in distress, but surely, it wasn’t enough for you. You calculated what had to be done and now you needed to work at least ten more hours this cycle. Though the weekends were your day offs to catch up on school work, you might have to work them to get by without any burden. Ugh, your migraine was coming back up.

You swiftly grabbed a can of Coca-Cola and opened it before chugging the liquid down. Hopefully, it would help lessen the pain. So much to do with very little time.

“You know you have to pay for that.” You turned your head to see Kenji coming by to use the cash register. You nodded as you sipped more of the content. As he punched in the order, he glanced over and inspected the drink. “___, you okay? You never have coke unless something happens.”

“The way you know that sure is expected of you.” You huffed, not bothering to care any further. “Just had another chat with the nurse back home.”

“Is he alright?” Your coworker asked.

You hummed as a reply, “For now, but it was about the payments…do you think Halmeoni be okay if I work the weekends too?”

“___, if you need the money, I’ll be happy to lend yo—”

“No.” You interrupted him. “I can’t ask you to do that, I just want to work a little more.”

Kenji frowned as the register door opened before ripping the receipt. “You’re already working more than usual and you drinking coke to reduce your headache means you’re overworking yourself.”

“Ken, I’m fine.” You scoffed. You gulped down all of what was left in the can before recycling it into a bin. “I just needed a boost. But I do wanna work more.”

“___…” He looked at you and you had a face of determination. There was no way in reasoning with you. “Ask her. She won’t be too pleased, but if you tell her about it, maybe she’ll accept…or give you a bon—”

“No, I need to work for it.”

Kenji rolled his eyes and shook his head, “Sometimes just get the free opportunities.”

“Sometimes every opportunity is a blow to your fucking face.” You sighed as you grabbed a tray.

You then spotted Halmeoni coming down the hallway with a box of napkins. Gripping the tray in your fingers, you went towards her and grabbed the box from her. “I’ll get that for you.” You offered. You settled them behind the counter and under the table where all the extra supplies stayed. 

“Sweetie, you don’t need to carry it. I’m still strong!” Your boss laughed but appreciated your kindness.

“Just trying to make your day easier.” You said authentically before clearing your throat. “Ummm, Halmeoni?”

“Yes, dear?”

“I—Is it possible if I can work the weekends?”

Halmeoni sulked, “Why is it? Something ha—”

“Uhh, no, no, well…I have some more time on my hands. I don’t have projects coming up, so I’m not really doing much at home.” She knew your situation, but if you told her, she wouldn’t want you to work as much either.

She squinted her eyes with suspicion. “Everything going on back in Geochang?”

You nodded, “Nurse said he’s doing well for now, but I just want to work a little bit.”

She knew you were headstrong, not wanting to say anything. She would have to ask Kenji, but even so, she wouldn’t acknowledge it and play dumb with you. “Sure, okay, sweetie. Just tell me what hours later.”

You sighed in relief and nodded excitedly. “Thank you, I appreciate you and Harabeoji. I guess Kenji too.”

“I heard that!” Kenji whined, making you and your boss chuckle. 

“Just…don’t stress too much, okay? We’re here if you need anything.” She meant it with sincerity in her expression. She cared for you like you were her own, and it twisted your heart from the thought. You knew she meant well, but it was all too much to offer for someone like you. You only nodded as she patted your head.

Right after, the tarp entrance flicked open, catching the attention of your boss with widened pupils and a gasp. “Ahh, Taehyung, you’re back! And you brought newcomers.”

You groaned softly, closing your eyes as if it would relax you but it doesn’t. You desperately wanted to dropkick someone and that someone was the very individual who entered the restaurant. You directed your eyes to his stature as you watched him wave and greet your boss, coworker, and then you. Though he greeted you back, you said nothing. 

Of course, he didn’t listen. That was why you were best friends in the past. You can’t deny that the both of you had a lot in common yet still different. But one of the biggest commonalities was being stubborn as fuck and not listening to what anyone had to say. With that being said, it was inevitable that Taehyung would not give up even after you shunned him away.

As you scowled, you became aware of the two men. One on each side of the idol. Their eyes wandered around your workplace, somewhat fascinated by how clean it was in contrast to the dirty outside. As you looked at them, you immediately knew who they were—two of his bandmates, specifically Jimin and Jungkook.

Though your friendship with Taehyung was a bust weeks before his debut, you couldn’t help but support or somewhat follow what the group did. You knew the amount of work that had been made and you appreciated it. You pushed your thoughts and feelings away from that certain member and enjoyed the band and its schedule. You guess you can say you were a fan, but not fully. At least there were six other members to distract you from your ex-best friend. Plus, you didn’t need to tell Taehyung that.

“Ahh, Hyung-nim!” Kenji yelled, earning a smile from the idol. Since when did he get close to Taehyung?

“Halmeoni, it’s nice to see you again!” Taehyung spoke out. “These are some of my friends, Jimin and Jungkook.” The two with him waved at your boss.

“My, my. You always bring handsome friends.” Your boss clapped. “Please sit!” She motioned them to take any seat as it was a slow weekday night. As they settled down, she nudged you and said, “Go help them. They’re handsome.”

“No, please. Let Kenji help them.” You suggested.

Kenji gasped and shook his head, “Why do I have to serve them?”

You gloomed at your coworker’s audacity, “What, isn’t it fine since he’s your Hyung-nim?” He saw how serious you were and didn’t want to experience your wrath, so he puffed and walked toward the well-known idols. Kenji eased his way into the men’s conversation, seeing that their laughter echoed throughout the restaurant.

“___, you should date one of them.” Your boss prompted which made you blink at her. “Maybe Taehyung, he seems to have an e—”

“Halmeoni, I’m busy, remember?” You recalled. “I got all these projects, work—”

“I thought you said you had more time now?” She interrogated you as your jaw dropped faintly but closed it back up.

“Yes, I do…but I’m not thinking about dating right now.’ You peeked over to the side and spoke quietly, “No one wants me.”

Your boss hated what you said about yourself. “Don’t say that, sweetie. You’re gorgeous, a true beauty. Anyone could fall for you. If I could, you’d be dating Kenji by now.”

“Ew, don’t say that. That’s setting me up for ultimate failure.” You grimaced, shivers down your spine. She laughed before walking back to the kitchen. 

Eventually, Kenji came back to the both of you with a fresh set of orders, but he said, “___, please ring these up.” He handed you the sheet of orders.

You retrieved them to read but you asked, “Why do I have to do your orders?”

“It’s not my orders, it’s yours.” He shrugged casually and you shot your head back to give him your death stare.

“What the fuck, why?” You complained. “Ken, you know—”

“No, I don’t know, and you don’t tell me shit.” He refused before sticking his tongue out to you. “They requested for you to serve them.”

“They can’t re—”

“So what? Just do it.” He shrugged. You scrutinized your coworker, trying to declare why he was being so adamant then you realized.

“That fucker paid you to make me serve them.”

“Well, I can’t deny the allegations being brought upon me,” Kenji admitted wholeheartedly. “See, when there’s a 100,000 won thrown at you, you take the chances.”

Your eyes grew at the sound of the heavy stipend for a small ask. “You little shit sold me of—”

“___, it’s not a big deal.” Your coworker reassured you, but you weren’t having it.

“Kenji, it is!” You told him, frowning at him. “I don’t like Taehyung nor do I want to see him.”

“Kinda harsh for him to be your best friend.”

“He’s not.” You clarified. “We haven’t been for ages, and I refused him weeks ago to be back into my life.”

Kenji looked in the distance as if his peanut brain worked like magic, “You tell me this or that but not explain to me why. So unless you do, I’m feeding you off to them.”

You let out a whining sound, “You’re being irrational…”

“Better hurry up. Your table’s waiting for their drinks.”

You wished to never speak about it again, but you were actually being desperate right now. Kenji always begged to know what happened between you and the idol to cause this one-sided hatred, but you never let him have his way until now. You’d rather tell him than serve Taehyung again.

“Ugh, fine.” You surrendered, letting your shoulders droop. But Kenji looked back at you with success on his stupid face. “I’ll tell you more about it later, but I’ll tell you in a quick summary.” You spoke briefly about your past with Taehyung. When you told him, it saddened your mood a little, remembering the emotions and insecurities you had about it. It was damaging for you to say the least, but you pushed it aside to not let it get to you in the middle of your shift.

Once you finished, Kenji nodded as he processed what you said. “So you don’t want to deal with him?” You nodded. “And you don’t care?” You nodded again. “___, it sounds like you do.”

You were baffled and offended. “Really? After what I said??”

“Hey, if you don’t care, then you would have been indifferent toward him.” He argued nonchalantly. “Look at you being riled up by even the thought of him.”

Your eye twitched. Maybe it was your pride, or how the younger provoked you. Maybe both. But either way, you wanted to prove him wrong. “I am indifferent to him.”

“Prove it.” He threw more gas into the fire.

“Fine, you’re fucking annoying and lazy as fuck anyway. I’ll prove you wrong.” You crumpled the paper before opening it back up and punching in the order. But while you were doing so, you realized what he did. You frowned as you stared at a shit-grinning Kenji before you. “You’re full of shit, you know that.”

“Shit that molded into a mastermind.” He winked before parting ways, knowing you lost while he gained.

-

Eventually, you sucked it up and served them. There was no point when your coworker executed some type of reverse psychology on you. You gave him props for that.

However, he did emphasize something. Were you really indifferent toward Taehyung? What was the meaning behind all of that anger and hatred in you? Of course, the way he spoke to you in the past caused you pain, but shouldn’t it be gone by now? People get over it so you should too. It has been almost a decade. You say you don’t care, but why were there so many emotions in you when you see him? What was there to be said? What does being cruel to him lead to? 

You didn’t understand yourself, you couldn’t, especially with all that was going on. Throwing this into your bowl of responsibilities and issues made everything a lot more stressful. There was literally no time for you to be thinking about Taehyung, yet, it was prominent in your mind.

You settled the drinks down, calling out who got what. As you were doing so, Taehyung grinned proudly at you before announcing, “Guys, this is ___, my best friend from Geochang. The one I talked to all the time.”

You so badly wanted to yell that you weren’t his best friend, but you remembered—you needed to be apathetic, so you said nothing. But the heavy scrutiny of gazes from his friends brought agitation and shyness. You couldn’t understand why, but they indeed were handsome in person. You assumed it was because they technically haven’t seen you before. Sure, there were a few greets here and there but that was it. A picture, who knows? You and Taehyung stopped contact before you were able to formally introduce yourself.

Their pupils widened and blinked like goldfish. Jungkook had his mouth slightly apart while Jimin covered his with his fist. You furrowed your eyebrows, questioning if this was a good sign.

Nevertheless, you smiled bashfully. “Hi, it’s nice to meet you too. Uhh, Jungkook and Jimin.” You pointed at the respective person. “I know you both from BTS so…”

Jungkook gulped and cleared his throat. “A—ah, yes. It’s nice to finally meet yo—you’re ___?” He asked for verification. “You’re Bl—”

“JK, I told you not to say it. Only I can.” Taehyung chided, refusing for anyone to call you that other than him. Also, why were his friends looking at you like that? It was like they’d never seen a person before.

You rolled your eyes at what he said and you mentally scolded yourself, but fortunately, no one caught it. “Yes, I’m ___.”

“The person behind the calls? The late-night calls at two in the morning.” Jimin included. You grew puzzled at these oddly specific memories, but they were valid. You hesitantly nodded while keeping your gaze on the two.

“You’re pretty, like really beautiful.” Jungkook threw it out in the open. You were taken aback, even stepping back to look at them in disbelief.

Even Taehyung snapped his head back towards his members and was about to say something but Jimin butted in. “Tae, you didn’t tell us she was gorgeous.”

Taehyung opened his mouth, “I—I mean, I—”

“That’s fine, Hyung.” Jungkook interrupted before smiling widely at you. “I mean you do have a girlfriend anyway.”

“Jung—”

“Yup, of five years too,” Jimin smirked, showcasing his award-winning slit eyes in your direction.

Okay, you wanted to walk away from this table immediately. These sentences were uncalled for but somewhat curious. First, two jaw-dropping idols that everyone wanted, called you pretty, though you assumed they were just being nice. You weren’t very lucky in the dating world and you somewhat refused to dip your toes, let alone with idols. Mainly due to bad experiences and being too busy.

The second was that Taehyung had a girlfriend and seemed steady too, considering how long they’ve been together. You knew idols hid things regarding their dating life, BTS included despite their weird rumors between each other which were entertaining as is. So evidently, of course, Taehyung would be one with a secret partner. People always thought he was a handsome charmer back in Geochang and did have many confessions and admirers.

You said nothing and nodded, not knowing how to add to the conversation. “Well, thank you for that. Ummm, I’ll get your orders right after this so please excuse me.” With your chance, you escaped quickly and headed back into the kitchen.

It was a weird encounter, but not that bad. Though your body felt defeated and emotionally drained, you pushed meaningless thoughts away from your brain to focus on your work.

Meanwhile, Taehyung glowered at his starstruck members as they watch you walk away. He didn’t like what they said one bit. How dare they mentioned his relationship to you and also why are they shouting to the world how pretty you were?

“Stop staring at her like that, you perverts!” Taehyung scoffed. “Can you both be any more obvious?”

“We’re not touching, we’re respectfully looking.” Jimin reasoned before meeting his best friend’s upset eyes. “She’s pretty! Can’t blame us.”

“You never showed us a picture of her, nothing on her.” Jungkook pouted.

“I did! Years back!” Taehyung refuted as he crossed his arms over his chest.

“It was a baby picture!” Jimin replied. “And it was only because it was your Lock Screen before. This is different.”

“Whatever,” Taehyung rolled his eyes. “Well, there she is and because of her status as my best friend, there’s no way in hell I’m letting you two get it with her. I know those looks…” Jungkook and Jimin were definitely not dating as they were in their eras. They’ve dated here and there, but nothing was serious and Taehyung will not let you be “nothing.”

“Taehyung, she’s a grown woman!”

“Does it look like I care? No, you can’t.”

“How can you even say that?” Jungkook frowned incredulously. “No offense, but will your opinion even matter to her?”

Taehyung’s frown then turned neutral as he heard what Jungkook said. It was insulting, to say the least, but he had a point. He came here trying to gain a friendship with you, nothing else. But right now, his friends sparked interest in you and he hated the thought. Why? He didn’t want to explain or else it’ll confuse his head. But he knew you hated him more. It didn’t help that he came back after telling him off weeks ago. So whatever you did, you wouldn’t care about him and what Jungkook said right?

He wanted to change your mind, so maybe he had to be on your good side and reminisce all of your memories together. He shouldn’t think about his members, it was all about you.

You came back with the first set of plates, placing them down on the table. Jungkook assisted you by moving it further back for more space in front of you. You thanked him for his gesture.

Taehyung bit inside his cheek before looking up at you, “Blue, do you think you can get me another bottle of soju?” That showed the affection you had for each other.

Indifference, indifference, indifference, you chanted in your head. But you wanted to punch him in the throat as he rejected your wishes to not call you that nickname. “Sure.”

“Make that two, please.” Jimin raised his finger as a gesture. “I would like grape, doll.”

“Of course, I’ll get that for you.” You grinned before walking away.

As you left, Jimin smiled proudly, getting more of a response from you than Taehyung. Taehyung’s jaw clenched, ticked off at everything.

Needless to say, he wasn’t bringing them again.

-

Over the month, Taehyung has been visiting and eating at the restaurant almost every other day. This past week, he came every day. Sometimes, he was alone, in other instances, he had Seojoon, Wooshik, or both. Once in a while, it was Jungkook and Jimin who flirted with you—yes, you knew and it made you a little less attracted to them but that wasn’t the point. And each time, he tried talking to you while you said very little and kept quiet. He only spoke about your good memories, nothing more. Not once did you hear him speak on what he did, almost like what he did was nonexistent. But it wasn’t, at least for you.

Interestingly enough, when he was alone, he called you Blue. But with his friends, he called your name. You weren’t sure why, but you let it be. However, it was so hard to be.

You didn’t want to talk to him, you didn’t want to serve him, you didn’t want him to call you Blue but look where you were. You did all of that and you let him. You tried to be detached from everything, the past, the present, him, but the rage in you kept fueling up every single time.

Yet you were ashamed that even with refusal, he somehow meshed into your schedule. When he talked to you, he mentioned the past. The good past, the laughter, the adventures, the obliviousness to a now broken bond. You couldn’t decide if they were painful or nothing to you, you refused to say no to either. It was all triggering that it hurt your mind.

You hated that you were distracted by him, you shouldn’t. You weren’t in his life anymore, and neither was he. You had other priorities to think about like your school, your job, and your family back home. None of your priorities should be Taehyung because you knew that you weren’t anything to him anymore, you knew that way before. He got his other friends, his fans, his members, and his girlfriend. You were nothing and that was permanent in your mind.

Still, you grew exhausted by his persistence. Sure, he told you he wasn’t all that well but that wasn’t enough. But looking at the situation you were in, you didn’t know how to approach it without breaking. You thought you could continue like that, but how much longer? 

It was five in the morning. The sun slowly rose from the horizon, looking into your tiny one-bedroom apartment. The light cascaded into darkness, gradually revealing the sunny dawn. You enjoyed the view from your broken window you had yet to call the supervisor of the building.

You pulled an all-nighter, trying to finish this education plan as an assignment that was due today. You had no time as you were focused on other projects, so you had to just work tirelessly until the end of this one. After submitting your paper, you had one hour left before you were actually supposed to wake up.

Though with darkened bags under your eyes and a drained body from working last night, you glanced at your three cans of coke, knowing you weren’t going to sleep anytime soon. You tried your best to at least rest your eyes before doing another repeat of yesterday and the days before. At least it was Friday, then after that, the weekend. But you agonizingly realized that you began working weekends as well.

-

“You’re going out again?”

Taehyung stared at his girlfriend through the full-length mirror in their shared bedroom as he viewed his outfit for tonight. Her expression was dumbfounded by the fact that it would be another night without her boyfriend. He never explained any further of his doings, only that they were with his friends which she knew very well.

“Yeah, with Seojoon Hyung.” He confirmed as he threw on a watch.

“Tae, you’ve been going out a lot recently.” Clara pointed out as she sat on the bed.

“And what about it?” The idol shrugged. “I know you’re busy doing your job and stuff, so think of these times as self-care or me time.”

“True, but I also want time with my boyfriend.” She replied as she leaned into her palms resting on the mattress. “But I haven’t gotten that lately.”

Taehyung’s face twisted before biting his lip. He took a glance at his pouting girlfriend. It was true though. Ever since he found you and wanted your friendship, it was all he has been spending his time doing. He was never home, only to sleep, eat breakfast, and feed Yeontan. Half of the time at home, Clara wasn’t even home as she had her schedule. He barely saw her but didn’t mind it at all. But with her being sad in front of his eyes, he felt a sudden guilt that he hated. 

He sighed before clicking his tongue, “I’m sorry. I’ve been busy and a lot has been going on.”

“I thought you would have been less busy, especially with the pause on your group schedule?” She reasoned.

“Nothing really to do with the scheduling.” He mumbled.

The socialite peered at her boyfriend, “Are you really hanging out with Seojoon Oppa?”

He met her piercing eyes, knowing the implications she made. “Yes, I am. I’ve been hanging out with them. We go out to eat every time.”

“That’s a lot of downtimes Seojoon Oppa has, especially for a busy actor like him.”

Taehyung pitched the bridge of his nose, getting bothered by her interrogations. “I’m not cheating if that’s what you’re saying.”

“I’m not saying you are.”

“Yes, you are!” He opposed. “You do that fucking thing. “Are you really?” “Are you sure?” I’m sure I’m not.”

“But you’re always out!”

“Because I don’t like being home!” He explained before grabbing his wallet and shoving it in his back pocket. He did not want to deal with this right now.

“Tae, but I want to spend time with you!” Clara ordered as she stood up, trying to find her boyfriend’s eyes. “I thought the pause would have given you more downtime to spend with me. I’ve been clearing my schedule for you, but it seems for nothing if I’m at home alone. Can’t even go out because no one knows…”

There it was, the regret coming back up. Taehyung didn’t like yelling at her, or even fighting, especially something stupid like this. But sometimes, it was inevitable. You would think that after being together for five years would be easier to manage but it was wrong. So, so, so wrong.

“I’m sorry.” He said before turning his body to look at her. She was really stunning, even in low light, her beauty was emphasized by the shadows cast over her face.

“If you’re busy, I get that but it hurts when you don’t make time for me.” Clara approached frankly. “It was really bad when you were touring and always at the studio 24/7. I really thought this time would give us time together.”

“You do realize that the band’s not disbanding, I’m still busy with other things. These times are for me to feel freer.” Taehyung communicated clearly.

“Yes, I know. Spending time with your Hyungs and members, but I would want to be prioritized too.”

Another blow to his chest as the shame consumed him again. “I do—I—I’m sorry.”

“I know you’re sorry, but actions speak louder than words.” She specified. “Spend time with me, I don’t wanna ask again.” He nodded hopelessly as she wrapped her arms around his waist. “Are you busy tomorrow?”

He opened his mouth but closed it shut. All he had was going to the studio and then having dinner at your work, which was “busy” to him. But the longer he stared at Clara’s pleading eyes, he didn’t want to let her down again. “No, I’m not. We can go to the park early in the morning and walk Tan?”

“Then have breakfast?” Her eyes lit up.

Taehyung scrunched his nose before ultimately nodding, “Yes, I’ll spend the whole day with you. I promise.” It was a big promise, but he had to do it. He had no choice but to.

-

“I’m sorry I’m late!” You ran into the restaurant restlessly. Your shift started at noon, but now it was close to two in the afternoon. You stopped before Halmeoni looked at you worriedly. “I overslept!”

“How can someone oversleep? It’s 2 PM??” Kenji commented as he grabbed empty cups to fill them with ice.

“Dear, you look paler,” Halmeoni informed, noticing your sunken features. She held your cheeks with her frail callous hands. “You’re even skinnier and I saw you yesterday. When’s the last time you ate?”

“Halmeoni, I’m fine.” You reassured with a tired smile. “I had to finish something last night and the night before, so I slept late, but it’s alright!”

“Sweetie, I think you should go rest for the day. I’ll pay you for the day.” Your sweet boss recommended it, but you denied it as fast as you could.

“No, it’s fine. I also know how busy weekends get for the restaurant and I wanna help.”

She sighed as she squeezed your arms, “If you insist.” You affirmed before getting your apron and tying it over you. While you were distracted, Halmeoni went to Kenji and whispered in his ear. “Keep an eye on her.”

Kenji assured his grandmother before she walked back into the kitchen. As he was about to go to a table, he spotted you grabbing another coke and gulping it down in a hurry. The younger boy pursed his lips, fearing for your health.

-

You didn’t know how, but you worked tirelessly through rush hour without any breaks. After drinking that can, you had a boost of energy that you haven’t had in a while. It felt so good to feel like you were on top of the world, even if it was temporary. Hopefully, this rush can last the whole night since you had to read an important article for a course.

Once you finished with your last table, for now, you stretched your limbs behind the counter, letting out a yawn. As you opened your mouth, a spring roll was shoved into it, leaving you bewildered as you spotted Kenji biting on another one. 

“You need to eat something.” He spoke with a full mouth. “I’ve had more breaks today than you ever did this past week.”

You bit into the roll and munched on it. “That’s because I don’t abuse my grandmother’s leniency like you.”

“But she’ll be more pissed if I don’t rest. Something you should do.” He voiced out, but you responded by rolling your eyes as you finished what was left of the roll. “Don’t overwork yourself.”

“I’m not!” You groaned before wiping your mouth with a napkin. “And I can rest at home.”

“You’re doing the most for no reason.”

“There’s always a reason for what I do.” You pushed forth as you passed by him.

The tarp opened and you looked in that direction, not surprised to see a smiling Taehyung with a Seojoon behind. You were unsure how to feel when you saw the idol’s face, but you can’t help but think about how it was when you were younger. No matter what you did, you’d see that ebony-haired boy with that boxy smile plastered on him every single day. It made your day before, but now…

“Hi, ___!” Taehyung smiled as he walked towards you. Though you stared at him, your mind was elsewhere. He observed your face, you looked weaker despite seeing you yesterday. Cheeks were hollow, the color in your eyes dimmed, and lips were chapped. As gentle as possible, he couldn’t help but raise his hand and pat your head. He grew concerned, especially while he was touching you and you didn’t even flinch, not even tense up once. “Blue, are you okay?” He whispered.

Your daydreaming came to an end when a dull ache pierced through your head. You hissed at the pain, resting your head in your palms and bending forward. You didn’t even realize someone was near you until you felt a hand on your back.

“___, are you in pain? How are you feeling?” The voice was sensed right away. You wanted to move away but you couldn’t. He rubbed your back and you hated that it soothed you.

“I’m fine.” You kneed your face before straightening your posture and stepping away from Taehyung. “Don’t worry about me.”

“But I a—”

“I’m not worried about you, so don’t worry about me.” You mumbled. The pain was still there but you tried repressing it. “Now go to your seat and don’t touch me again.”

Taehyung wanted to say something but he stopped and accepted it. He turned to his Hyung who also looked at you empathically before they went to a vacant table. You walked over to the counter to retrieve menus and a notepad. As you did so, you instantly felt lightheaded. 

You probably didn’t drink some water, so for a speedy recovery, you filled a glass of water for yourself and downed it in one go. You inhaled then exhaled, pacing your breathing. You felt a little better, but the headache was still there. You thought you’d be fine for now. But as you took a step, your vision got blurry even having three sets of Kenji walking by. You shook your head, trying to clear your head. You were fine, you were fine.

But you had to walk step by step instead of at your usual speed. You felt getting lighter, but at least your sight was still clear. Once you got to Taehyung’s table, you didn’t notice the concerned look on him as you asked them for their drink order. Seojoon talked for them, but for some reason, his voice muffled like he was underwater while a ringing pinched into your eardrums. You squirmed softly, catching Taehyung’s attention once more.

“___, you don’t look so good.” The idol frowned but you were quick to ignore him.

Not even getting their order, you hummed. “I’ll get them right away.” As you turned your back and walked methodically, Taehyung watched at a distance with growing panic.

“She doesn’t look right.” The idol informed and turned his head at his rather calm Hyung.

“Maybe she has an off day.” Seojoon simply said. “It’s concerning though, but I know she’ll be okay.”

“You don’t know her like I do though.” The idol spoke tensely. “I don’t buy anything she’s saying right now.”

“I guess so,” The older man snorted, shaking his head. “By the way, what’s up with you and her? I know you said she was your friend. Don’t tell me you’re trying to get with her.”

“I’m not cheating,” Taehyung emphasized. “___’s my friend, I grew up with her. Just trying to spend time with her.”

“At her working place?” Seojoon questioned, cocking his head to the side in wonder. “Can’t you just ask to hang out outside?”

“Well, the thing is…she doesn’t like me.”

“I can see that. It’s like you’re torturing her with your presence.” The actor brutally replied. “Why are you making so much effort if she doesn’t want you in her life?”

Taehyung sighed as he tapped his fingers on the table. ”It’s hard to explain, but…she was a big part of my life and I hate that we ended things.”

Seojoon nodded, understanding his youngest friend. “So she was only your friend?”

“Yeah.”

“Really? That’s all?”

“Yes? What do you mean ‘that’s all’?”

The older man was intrigued, only because Taehyung was the type to give up on things so easily, like how he did with playing the trumpet, film photography, working out, and the list went on. So for him to do the most, Seojoon wanted to dig deeper into who exactly you were and if there was more to what Taehyung was letting out.

You finally made it to the counter. That was so hard for no reason at all. You feebly gripped the edge of the table, trying to pull yourself together. You lifted your pounding head and blinked rapidly. Your eyes got hazy and felt a whole lot better and you cheered mentally. Maybe you needed more water.

You shifted your body and reached for a cup when unexpectedly, your legs gave out. Your headache stabbed your mind, your vision fogged up your surroundings, and your head leaned back as your eyes rolled back. You crashed onto the cold hard floor, your body curling in immense pain.

The last thing you saw was Taehyung running towards your body, calling your name before blacking out.

-

The second you opened your eyes, you gasped and snapped up. But the dulling pain in your cranium continued its presence, making you fold and hold your head. You winced at how badly it hurt, even feeling the tears forming in your eyes.

“Blue!” You weakly opened your eyes once you felt arms and a whole broad chest around your body. You felt him nosing into your hair while his thumbs rubbed circles on your back. “Thank goodness, you’re awake. You had me worried.”

You frowned and ripped him off of you. He was taken aback by your action, but he continued to stare at you with a worrisome look. You glared with a disturbed pout before scanning through your vicinity. The window showed the twilight of the firmament. Judging by the beeping monitor on the other side, a needle inserted into your skin, the bed, and the white cooling room, you were sent to the hospital. 

The last thing you remembered was getting a glass of water for yourself and nothing else. Your stress levels were through the roof. Your vision was blurry, you couldn’t move your body, and your mouth was dry. But as if he knew, on cue, Taehyung handed you a glass of water. You looked at the cup and then back to him. Without saying anything, you raised your hands to grasp it but you were trembling excessively which made the idol notice.

He took the effort to lift the brim of the glass to your lips. You weren’t in a position to complain about the gesture so you accepted it. You went forward as he tilted the cup, helping your drink. He didn’t stop until you finished the whole thing, which you did since you were very much dehydrated.

You respired, sitting properly on the hospital bed. Your irises watched Taehyung put the glass down on the bedside table, then sat down back at the table. Though you said nothing, you wanted answers to everything like why was he here.

Again as if he knew, he began speaking, “It’s currently three in the morning. We rushed you here and you were out for more than seven hours.” He scooted his chair toward you until you were within his reach. You could only gaze at him with tired eyes. He too looked like he didn’t sleep. “The doctor said you fainted from dehydration, starvation, and overworking your body. What led you to do that? We were so scared, Blue. I was worried sick.”

You blinked dizzily, not by your condition but by what he said. He was worried sick? Were you hearing that correctly? How fucking bold of him to tell that to you. What was he doing to you? Why was he being kind and sweet like the Taehyung you once knew? This was the same person who hurt you. Why did he do all of this? Why does he even fucking care for you at all?

Mindlessly, you slapped his shoulder to the best you can since you weren’t in the best shape. The smack made him jolt, gawking at you bug-eyed. But it wasn’t enough for you. Smack! He needed to feel pain. Smack! He needed to be hurt. Smack! He needed to feel what you felt all the years before. Smack! During those years. Smack! Now. Smack! Smack! Smack!

“Owww, Bl—Fuck!” Taehyung whined, trying to force your hands away from him. Your lips quaked as you slapped him again and again. “Blue, that hurts!”

“You asshole! Stop it!” You shouted, your skin heating up and your tear ducts swelling up. “No, stop! Stop calling me Blue! Stop coming to the shop. Stop telling people about our past! Stop begging! Stop, stop, stop! Just stop it already!” You hit him once more, but it came out helplessly when the walls in you broke down and the dam exploded. You let sobs as your stature shook, having no control anymore.

Taehyung saw you, shaking his head. He absolutely hated seeing you cry. He innately hugged your weeping form and nuzzled into your hair again. Only this time you gave up pushing him away and took it. “___, please. I’m sorry, I just really wanted you ba—”

“Why would you even? You hurt me, Taehyung!” You punched tiny fists onto his chest that made no real damage before shoving your dampened face to his front. His touch soothed you so familiarly that it pained you at the same time.

“I’m sorry, Blue. I’m sorry.” His body trembled around you. Your hair felt wet, finally being aware that he too was crying.

 “You called me a needy little bitch who had no other friends!” The throbbing memory was so vivid you remembered it like it was yesterday.

It has been over a year since Taehyung left Geochang for Seoul to pursue his dream of becoming an idol. His departure was a bittersweet “see you later.” This was the first time you and he would be physically apart, being kilometers and hours away from him.

If you had the chance to, you’d tag along and stay with him, but you had no money and you weren’t as talented as he was. So a simple choking hug, many farewells, reassurance of how much you’d miss and love one another, and a kiss on your temple would suffice.

Every night he’d called to update you on the process and ask how you were with school, which was tough considering your best friend in the whole world wasn’t there for support but you knew he was there for you in spirit. 

You astonishedly made a genuine friend to be your buddy throughout high school and you told him. He got jealous. He told you who his members were, even sending you a picture of who’s who and what were they like. Jimin seemed sweet especially since Taehyung talked about him all the time. You got envious, but the both of you knew no one can replace either of you.

However, recently the contact was stagnant. Of course, while he was busy with training and preparing for your debut, you were busy with school and helping your grandparents out. They were getting older, so you tried your best to help around the house and farm. You would call him every night, but it would go straight to voicemail. You texted him, but he wouldn’t reply until days later and the response would be ‘Sorry, been busy.’

You tried your best to understand he has been working hard on this and you were proud of him, but you worried if he was okay. You wanted to know how he was doing or what was happening in his personal life. You just wanted to know. But now texts were rare and phone calls were miracles yet short and under two minutes.

Maybe you were being too much but quickly remembered what Taehyung told you before. It was after that big fight you had. He told you honestly and with solace. Regardless, you decided to give him a little space to avoid being overbearing.

But that only lasted two days because the unexpected happened.

After finding out, you naturally ran to your safe haven—your room—and cried your heart out. This wasn’t supposed to happen. The guilt consumed you, never even saying goodbye because you were at school and no one told you until after. You held onto your soaked pillow tightly. You felt vulnerable, and cold, and searched for comfort.

Then you remembered Taehyung.

You grabbed your phone and dialed his number. There was a ringing, but it went to voicemail. You dialed again. Voicemail. Again. Voicemail. Again. Voicemail. Again. Voicemail. Again. Voi—

“What?!” Taehyung snarled. “Why are you calling me so much?”

“Hyun—Hyungie!” You cried. “I nee—”

“Blue, I’m so tired. I can’t right now.” He groaned and you can imagine him scratching his cranium.

“B—but, it’s import—important.”

“Can’t it wait?”

“Hyungie ple—”

“___, call tomorrow!”

“No, you’re not un—”

“Ugh, seriously. Why are you being a needy little bitch?” He spat through the phone. “I know you have no friends and all, but I’m busy!”

This was the first time Taehyung yelled at you, the first time he was mad at you. He never was like that with you. Those words were hurting you, but you pushed them aside to reason. Your lower lips shuddered in denial, “No, no, Hyungie—”

“I swear, can’t you think about my needs for once other than yourself! Fuck.”

“I do and I’m sorry I upset you, but I need you ri—”

“___, I have to go. Namjoon Hyung is calling us to the living room. It’s important.”

“Hyungie, please. I nee—”

The call ended.

You tried calling back again and again, but he wasn’t answering so you left a voicemail. “Please, Hyungie. I’m sorry I made you mad, I’m sorry. I need you right now. I’m scared and lonely and I want my best friend. Please answer back. I love you. I miss you so much.”

Once you finished your message, you sat in the dark contemplating what he told you. Were you smothering him too much? Were you that needy? But Taehyung reassured you. He always has. But why was he saying it now? Did it finally get to him? No, no. Of course, not. He was your best friend of all time.

Every single day for the next week, you called him as much as possible. But there was no avail. You sent texts and phone calls until you found out that he blocked you. You stared at the screen for a good hour with the little pop-up saying a message cannot be sent.

It hurt so much for him to say that, to do that. It really was how he thought of you. You only ever had him, the person with so many friends, and he was gone. You were too needy, too much to handle. You caved into your body and pulled your knees to your chest as you bawled. His words always meant tremendously to you, and you didn’t realize you looked at yourself in that new light he showed you.

You came to a realization that you didn’t have a best friend. You lost him.

You lost your grandmother and him.

“___, I’m so sorry. They were lies, I never meant it!” Taehyung explained, wiping his nose on his sleeve. “I never thought of you like that ever!”

Your reddened puffy eyes lifted to meet his equally swollen ones. “Taehyung, my grandma died that day.” You swore his face and heart dropped at the information. “She went into a cardiac arrest while picking crops and dropped dead.” You sobbed as more tears ran down your cheeks. “I found out after school because no one didn’t want to tell me while I was in.”

Taehyung cupped your cheeks with his hands, wiping the streaks away but it was pointless. “I’m so so—”

You grabbed onto his forearms, so he could look directly into your eyes. “When my grandma died, I needed my best friend. I needed you, Taehyung!” You screamed and squeezed him with your might. You observed him as he had his lips between his teeth and looked down in shame and remorse eating him alive. “You ignored my text and calls when I needed you the most. But I didn’t have that anymore. There was no one.” You whispered the last sentence, knowing the loneliness you felt for years.

“Blue, I’m sorry. I didn’t know!” His shaky voice was filled with regret and sorrow, not realizing what you’d gone through until now. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t know!”

“I tried telling you! But you pushed me away!! You didn’t give me a chance!” You slapped his chest faintly hard but it still wasn’t enough to break him. He lets you do so because he deserved it. He deserved every hit, every scream from you. He was a shitty best friend to you and he didn’t know the severity of it. “I lost you and grandma that day. It hurts, it hurts so much.”

Thinking you’d hit him again, you surprisingly encircled your arms around his torso and pulled him closer. On instinct, he did the same, tightening his hold. “I lost you. I needed you, Hyungie.” 

Streaks went down his face at how weak you sounded and it was all because of him. He hated himself for it, he hated the way he acted at you, you never deserved any of that, but he was an asshole. An asshole to his innocent and sweet best friend.

“You didn’t lose me, Blue. I’m here. I won’t leave, I promise. I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” He promised, then whispered all the apologies in the world to you. A critical promise that he will keep in his heart until the day he died.

-

You don’t know how long you were in this position, but dawn was soon arriving. The tiny peak of the tangerine shined among the skyline. You watched in tranquility with inflamed irises and dried stains on your features. Somewhere along the line, Taehyung climbed himself onto the elevated top bed and had you in his arms. 

At this point, you don’t bother because he wasn’t going to listen and you had to admit that the feeling of him alleviated you like how you recollected. You missed it so much and you maneuvered into his chest.

Taehyung wasn’t asleep. He was weary, but couldn’t sleep. In the meantime, he watched you while you stared out the window. He enjoyed it, acknowledging the yearning to have you back near him. He thought about it before but now, he wanted to beat himself up for ever letting you go. Though the crying stopped with a few sniffles here and there, the pounding in his heart didn’t stop. There was so much to be said, so much for him to ask and beg, all he hoped was that you accepted them.

“Blue—”

“Don’t call me that right now.” You muttered without even looking back.

“Sorry. Uhh, ___.” He called and you hummed in response. “I know I fucked up and hurt your feelings and I regret them. I swear, the last thing I ever wanted was to hurt you.”

“But you did.”

“Yes, I’m aware.” He gulped and exhaled unevenly. “I said the most fucked up things to you and took you for granted. You aren’t needy, you did nothing wrong. You’re innocent. It’s all my fault. I was a dumbass, obnoxious, and selfish. But I want you to know that you never lost me and I’m gonna keep reminding you of that. I promise I’ll never leave you again. I wanna make things right and rekindle our friendship. I wanna ask you for your forgiveness, please?”

Your irises shifted from the view outside to his nervous face. You sighed, then sat up. He followed you and waited patiently yet anxiously for your answer. “I forgave you a long time ago, Taehyung.”

His pupils dilated while his mouth parted, “You did?”

You nodded with pure honesty. “It took me three years, but I did.” You knew he was about to question it, so you quickly added. “I saw that BTS documentary and you talked about the struggles and adversity you all had to face, even with the early termination you avoided and personal life.”

He was shocked to find out that you followed him and the group, which melted his heart, and wanted to know more but now wasn’t the time. So he nodded. 

“I forgave, but I won’t forget it.” You stated. “Because, Kim Taehyung, you’ve hurt me so badly that it got me traumatized to opening back up to people.”

It was true. After your friendship broke, you shut down and avoided peers other than group projects. People tried but didn’t get very far. There was no effort due to your lingering fear of disappointment and your insecurity about being clingy. You went to school and then home, sometimes helping your grandfather out. You did have Taehyung’s siblings, but once his family moved, you really had no one.

Other relatives visited you and your grandfather, but that was basically it. It went like this from there until the end of your undergraduate years.

“You took our friendship for granted. Yes, we’ve changed and we’re strangers now…” You spoke like this was nothing but it tore Taehyung on the inside. He never wanted this to happen. “But there’s a scar in me, it’s still here and it’s a reminder.”

“___, you shouldn’t do that. It’s not good for you.” He approached. “The loneliness will continue.”

“But how can I not?” You whimpered with glossy eyes. “I’m afraid, because of you!”

Your words punched him in the gut, wincing at the emotional sting. “S-scars can heal over time, but it takes a while unless you get help.” You furrowed your eyebrows in confusion. “Let me help you heal your scars.”

You leaned back as you fidget your fingers, hesitantly shaking your head. “N-n—I don’t know if I can.”

“I’ll help you! I’ll help you like I always did when we were together.”

“The past—”

“Please. You said it yourself, even if I hate it, but we’re strangers now. It’ll be different this time. We can start fresh, or back to where we left off before I moved to Seoul, I don’t care as long as I have you and our friendship back in my life. I’ll be eternally grateful.”

“You know it’s really hard to start fresh when I think about how we were years back.” You pronounced, still uneasy about the tempting recommendation. 

“Then let’s go back where we left off!”

“Can’t help but also think about what you did.”

Taehyung was desperate and felt defeated by your hard and impenetrable stance. But he didn’t want to give it up when he was so close. “Please, ___. I miss you so much. Back then, you were the only person who understood me. You probably still are and I hope that.”

“Please you have your friends and members, your girlfriend, who know you much more than me.” You retorted at his ridiculousness.

“Never, and I know that deep in me.” He said in no laughing matter. You pursed your lips, remembering how serious he can get.

Your pupils moved away to look back at the rising sun. “It’s been years though…”

“Then there’s a lot of time to be made up.”

You sighed, “Taehyu—“

“Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Ple—”

“Fine, fuck! Jesus Christ, you’re annoying.” You burst out, making him flinch. “We’ll do it.“

The angels answered his prayers. The broken pieces of the bond twitched as they’re attempting to find their way back to each other. The flames were about to ablaze with hazard protection the second you agreed.

“R-really?” He asked dumbfoundedly.

You gave a swift nod, “But I will remind you.” You grasped his tendrils firmly and tugged him to you, causing him to squirm painfully. You glared daggers at him with pupils enlarged. “You fucking broke my trust and heart, and this is something you’ll have to earn back.” Your hold tightened harshly, letting him yelp. “I don’t care how many pouts, expressions, begs and pleas you give me. You earn it. Understood?”

“Ye—yes, ma’am.” He replied without missing a beat.

You released your grip and removed your hand away. He groaned at the blunt ache. He knew you were harsh when you wanted to but damn. He was about to touch it, but you yanked his head towards your chest.

You wrapped your arms around his neck before your fingers gently brushed through his raven locks. He flinched, but only because it stung. However, your digits carded through and lightly scratched his scalp. “Did I hurt you?”

The sides of his lips curved, absorbing the tenderness he knew you had even if it was only a small piece. He rested peacefully into you and shook his head. “You could never hurt me.”

Though he never saw that smile on you at that moment, it was going to be okay. Hopefully, there will be more with the reconnection. It was complicated and conflicting, there may be holes. If people found out, they may question it, but they would never fully understand unless they were in your shoes.

The bond was yet in the dark due to lost time. But the reminder of that gravitational pull between you two was consistently there and progressing to its liking. Maybe little by little or jumping through barrels, who knew? All that mattered was that you were separated for almost a decade—

You’d always find yourselves back to one another.

-

It has been over a week since you and Taehyung had that fight. It really disappointed you that he forgot your parents’ death anniversary, but it bothered you even more that this was your biggest fight yet. You’ve done so much for your best friend and always tried to do what he asked you despite it being uncomfortable sometimes. He knew, he knew you knew. Yet he would still ask.

Asking him this one thing, this one important thing and he forgot it like it was nothing. It wasn’t something you could let off easily with Taehyung’s apologies and his intricate pouts. You had to be a little more stubborn than usual, so here you were—in your room alone on a sunny Saturday morning.

Since then, you haven’t spoken to Taehyung no matter how much he tried. If he did, you’d ignore him like the wind. When he tried hugging you, you pushed him off of you even going as far as throwing him on the grass. It was one of the hardest things to do especially when he lived next door and invited himself over at all times. You hated the distance. You missed him and his presence, but it had to be done for your voice to be heard. An apology wasn’t going to cut it. 

He was an insistent pest, calling your name and begging for your forgiveness from every angle you could think of. If only he knew you already forgave him, your heart couldn’t reject your best friend like that.

Today was not like the rest. After your fight—well, even before—Taehyung was your human alarm clock. Right on the dot of six in the morning. But it was the weekend, so it would be nine o’clock. However, there were no sounds or sight of your social butterfly anywhere. It was too quiet for your liking.

It frightened you.

Nonetheless, you went about through your morning. After washing up, you went out on the porch to water the plants. While hosing the pots down, you spotted someone coming out next door in your peripheral vision. You didn’t think anything else of it as it could have been anyone from Taehyung’s family, but then you saw the hue of bold red from his big-ass backpack stuffed as usual.

You shook your head, wondering what he was up to before paying attention back to your foliages and flora. Once you were done, you turned the hose off. You were about to turn away and go back into your house until a certain person came into your vicinity and closed the door when you tried opening it.

“Good morning, my lovely Blue.” He sounded radiant and energized.

For the first time since the fight, you finally acknowledged your best friend by staring at him right in the eyes with your tired and hurt once. The smile on his face grew the second the contact was mutual.

Before either of you could say anything, you pried open your front door. You made it in, but you couldn’t slam it shut as he ducked down and his arms wrapped around your waist then lifting you in the air. You yelped at the sudden action and unfortunately, it came naturally to encircle yours around his nape for support.

You felt him letting go, slipping in his hold which made you grip tighter. But then you noticed him maneuvering his hands under your thighs, putting you in a comfortable position.

“Don’t worry, I won’t let you go,” Taehyung reassured as he kicked the door closed. Though you were secured, you realized the position you were in and what he was doing. Suspicious of him, you wiggled to get out of his hold but he only gripped firmer. “Nuh uh, I got you now, so deal with it.”

You blew out of your nose and pulled a face of disgust. You glared at him intently, but he paid no attention as he walked you toward your room. His face remained smiley, but deep down, he was actually deathly afraid. He wanted you back and hated himself for what he did. He needed to truly make it up after he was a shitty best friend to his sweet true best friend in the whole universe.

Once in your room, he propped you down on your bed. You crossed your arms, avoiding his eyes by staring forward at the wall. There was no way he’d get to you this easily. You had to continue your stance.

You heard him sigh before walking towards you and kneeling in front. He laid his hands on your lap before gazing up, “Blue, please talk to me. I miss you.” You stayed silent, ignoring him. “I’m sorry for forgetting your parents’ anniversary. It wasn’t my intention to, but I did for some stupid party for friends who are no way near important compared to you.”

Your heart stung a little—friends. The same friends he’d go to have lunch with. The same ones who were in football with him. The same ones who invited him to parties and hangouts. The same ones he managed to forget your time with him.

You looked away and batted your eyes to keep the tears away. You didn’t want him to see you cry just yet. It was way too early in the morning for that.

“Blue, I know I can’t apologize enough for it. I’m stupid.” You really wanted to say “you are,” but bit your tongue to keep quiet. “So what I’m trying to say is…” He got up and reached out to hold your cheeks in his palms. “Let’s go have an adventure.”

His sentence threw you off to the point where you snorted and spoke for the first time. “I’m not going anywhere with you right now.” You retorted, slapping him away from you. “If you fucking think that a da—”

“Please, there’s a reason for it! But it’s a surprise.” He quickly countered. His eyes rapidly tried to find your agreement, but there was none…yet.

“Do you even deserve my time?” You spat back, making him internally bruise at your cruel words. You felt guilt roaming in you when you saw how hurt he looked, but you repressed it. “You should hang out with your other friends. I’m sure they’d want to hang out with your surprise. I’ll be fine alone.”

“___,” He spoke quietly. “Please, I miss you. I want my best friend back.”

“But do you even want me back?” His expression grew perplexed and had no response back. “Just forget what I said.” You shook your head. “Leav—”

“I’m not leaving you.” He protested. “This adventure is important, the reason is important, you are important, ___. Please.”

Your jaw clenched as you glared fiercely at Taehyung. He looked back with fear in his eyes. You were always the one in your friendship to get annoyed or angry very easily while Taehyung never did anything back. He was patient and usually the idiot to blame for his antics. He never was mad at you…at all.

Though you were still wary of him, you were curious about what exactly this adventure was. When he said these things, he would have reasons behind them and they were usually mindfully good. He knew he fucked up, so he should know not to do anything that would upset you even more.

“So what should I wear for this adventure?” You asked. Though you didn’t explicitly yes, he knew you were on board with this.

He smiled widely, forming his boxy structure at you that you missed so much. He grabbed your hands into his before sliding his nose on the back of them, just wanting to feel your skin. “Just change and be yourself.”

You nodded before kicking him out of your room. Sure, he has seen you bare (kinda) and vice versa but he was still on thin ice with you. By the time you were done, you had a small bag, fresh pair of going-out clothes on, and an unenthusiastic smile written on your face.

When you both went out of the house and down the front porch, he stopped you. You glanced at him, wondering what did he want. “Before we go, I want you to keep these on.” He grabbed something out of his bright backpack and presented it to you.

It was a blindfold.

You furrowed your brows, a bit disturbed and very confused. You opened your mouth to refuse, but closed it up when you reminded yourself that he wasn’t gonna give you a clear answer. With that, you nodded to let him put it on you. You were too nice to him for your own good.

“So am I just gonna walk blindly the entire time?” You asked once he tightened the fabric around your eyes.

“No, I’ll be your eyes,” Taehyung reassured. “As long as you trust me.” You gulped, staying quiet yet your face twisted at his words. That caused him to frown immediately before intertwining his fingers with yours. “Blue, you trust me right?”

“Of course.” There was no hesitation in your voice. “I always did, but…” You looked down despite seeing black in your vision. You knew he stayed right back at you, you could feel his eyes lingering. 

“I’ll make it up, I swear.” He promised, squeezing your hand. You could only hum, but it still wasn’t enough to convince you yet. “Just follow me, I’ll protect you.”

Somehow he managed to keep the blindfold on you for almost two and a half hours despite your begging and complaining. He told you to watch out and helped you step exactly where you should walk in and out of places.

Your other senses were heightened, eventually noticing how you went on a subway and then a bus ride through the sounds of the transportation. Yet you still didn’t know where you were exactly going. Halfway through you gave up and slept through the bus ride with the darkness around you, even cuddling to Taehyung’s side to which he accepted and laid his head on yours.

He woke you up to get off the stop. You were still in a daze, but you let him help you walk down the steps. But to your misfortune, there was still a long walk more to go and you were so tired and hungry. Taehyung linked his arm with yours, careful not to get you hurt. The distance felt so much longer with your eyes covered, you were getting annoyed again. 

“Taehyung, how much longer?” You whined, basically dragged yourself.

You heard him laugh, “Just this hill. I promise.”

You were about to complain again, but stop when you wafted the aroma of flowers near. Did he go through all this trouble for fucking flowers? Sure, you loved them but you didn’t think they were enough.

The environment was a soothing stillness though. You haven’t heard others around you for quite some time. Even the bus ride here felt empty. Where was he taking you?

It felt like climbing the hill was over because he finally lets go of you. He told you again to keep the fabric on, so you just waited. You heard rumbling and rummaging through his backpack and other things you couldn’t quite specify. 

You took a deep sigh, then you felt his presence near you, in front of you. You felt his hands going behind your head to loosen the blindfold off of you. He slowly removed them to help you adjust your eyes back to the light. You blinked rapidly, taking in a slightly blurred Taehyung before rubbing your pupils.

“You okay now, Blue?” He questioned, searching for any troubles. You nodded as you looked back at him, then turned your head to figure out where you were. In an instant, your irises widened with your mouth slightly apart.

You’ve been here before, exactly a week ago but this time, it was with your best friend instead of your grandparents. Right before your eyes rested the tombstones of your parents side by side. There was a green gingham picnic blanket placed down adjacent to the graves with packed meals and fruits laying on top of the fabric. Two glass bottles of flowers sat perfectly on each side of your parents.

You were completely mesmerized by the sight before you. Your tear ducts couldn’t be saved as tears fell down your cheeks and the sniffles started inflating your nose. Your body throbbed, releasing all the emotions you’ve bottled up until this point.

Taehyung wrapped his body around yours, immediately relaxing you and leaning into him. He kissed your hair as he swayed you both. He knew this would happen, feeling your emotions that he too cried with you as he finally was able to see your parents.

After what felt like forever, the two of you finally settled down and ate your lunch and snacks. You spent the entire afternoon with your parents, talking and reminiscing memories on your part. You explained to them who Taehyung was in your life and how much he meant to you. While you blabbered onto the tombstones, Taehyung’s eyes were only on you smiling at your teary smiles and giggles, enjoying every second of it.

“Thank you, Hyungie.” You told him with a loving smile and a warm hug to the side. “Thank you so much.”

He pulled you closer, bringing you to sit on his lap as he encircled his arms around your waist. You rested your hands over his, tilting your head back. “No need to thank me. I’ve been an idiot for letting you go through that.” He rested his chin on your shoulder as he gazed at the graves. “You’re my Blue; I’ll do anything for you.”

You sucked your lips into your mouth, wondering if it was time to tell him the truth. Maybe he’ll understand you much more, and be aware of how much you felt. “Taehyung…”

You never said his name unless you were serious or mad. He closed his eyes and scrunched his face in fear. “Am I in trouble again?”

You lightly chuckled and shook your head, “No.” You paused for a moment and let it out. “A-are-are you—do you even like that I’m your best friend?”

You turned back to face him, faces a few centimeters away but you didn’t care to dig deeper into that. His attention focused on you. You saw his hesitation, but it wasn’t because of what you expected. It wasn’t of regret or denial. It was something else that you couldn’t quite pinpoint. You’ve seen it before, but you could never figure it out.

“O—of course, why is that even a question, ___?” He finally replied.

You finally faced away from him and viewed your parents. “You’re a social butterfly, Hyungie. You’ve always been. You’re kind and sociable, and you put your heart into every single one of your friendships.” You began, but your eyes were reddening by the second. “You could have anyone as your best friend, but…you chose me.” The salty water flooded your tear ducts and your chest grew tighter.

Concern wasn’t enough to express how Taehyung felt when he saw you crying again. He never wanted to let go. He turned you around so that way you sat sideways as he made you lean yourself into his chest and neck, rubbing your back and letting you sob again.

“Why?” You wept softly, the whimpering breaking Taehyung’s heart. His face creased in puzzlement, still not understanding you. “Why did you choose me? I’m nothing like you. I’m quiet, it’s so hard for me to start a conversation! You’re so popular and fit into every group, and I feel like I’m so far behind you…and…I don’t deserve you!”

Taehyung lets out a sob, stubbornly shaking his head in denial. He pecked your forehead as he joined another crying session. “Never say that again. You deserve all of me as I do with you.” Words injected with sorrow and disappointment. The only disappointment in him was seeing another skin of you insecure about your ten-year friendship that he knew nothing about. He understood what others thought and did to you, but you never mentioned how you truly felt. “Why didn’t you tell me this is how you felt?”

“I never wanted you to feel bad about something you couldn’t control. You’re outgoing, Hyungie; I’m not. I didn’t want you to pity me just because I only rely on you.”

“I would only want you to rely on me.”

“And I’m also younger than you. It may be only by a year but it does make a difference since I don’t see you throughout the school day. Plus you have your football team.”

“I don’t care about that because right after school and practice, I’m excited to come back to you.”

“I’m a fucking hermit crab who likes to stay in and you love partying and enjoying the outside!”

“I love being with my little crab more than being outside.”

“Hyungie—”

“___, listen.” He hushed you, gently patting your hair as he watched you with teary warmness. Leaning into you, he rested his forehead onto yours. The both of you closed your eyes, breathing yourselves into one another. Muted weeping spilled out of you when you listened to him. “It was never, and I mean never my intention to let you hurt like that. I didn’t know how you felt about it. Other than forgetting, was that also why you were so angry and hurt?” 

You pouted and nodded. “I feel like I’m losing you as we get older. We’re getting our own values and interests apart from one another you’d want someone who fits more into you instead of this awkward needy recluse. I worry if I’m even a good best friend for you.”

He pulled back, making you open your puffy eyes. This was the most serious he presented himself to you. He breathed in and out before speaking, “You’re never going to lose me. If I do, which won’t happen, I’ll come back with a sword fight to have you again.” You grinned at how absurd he sounded but it all meant earnestly. “We’re getting older, sure, but I don’t want anyone like me. Have you met me?” You chuckled and moved into his chest. “I never thought about having another besides you. You’re more than a good best friend, ___. You’re my Blue and that will never change.”

Your lips quivered at his soft reassurance to you. You were so fearful and nervous about growing apart from him that all that was said overwhelmed you but in the best way possible.

“I’m sorry for forgetting again. Please forgive me.” Taehyung told you again.

“I will always forgive you.” You nodded before you laced your fingers with his. “Even if I’m mad or upset or hurt at you, I’ll always forgive you.”

He diverted his pupils toward the stones. “I’m sorry, auntie and uncle. I didn’t mean to miss meeting you. You have the most loving and tolerant daughter in the universe for being friends with this annoying bug.”

“You’re not a bug.” You cooed.

“Hey!”

You giggled then faded when you had to let something out, “I’m sorry for being so needy. It must be a lot for you.” 

“I love you being needy for me too.” He smiled pridefully. “It just means you want me all to yourself.”

You smacked his shoulder, blushing brightly. “That’s not what it means.”

“Yeah, sure, Blue.” Taehyung rolled his eyes as he wiped your stained features with his thumbs. “You better not be needy for anyone else.”

It was your turn to smile cockily. “Why, doesn’t seem a bit much? Maybe I should do it to someone else to take the load off.”

“It’s never too much for me. Give it to only me.” He pouted, tightening his hold to which you laughed. “Remember Blue, no one can replace you. Whether or not I have millions of friends, you’ll be my best friend, my Blue, the only one I want. No one else, I don’t care what others think. My Blue, okay?”

Your mouth curved shyly, then nodded sincerely. “Then you’re my Hyungie, okay?”

“That shouldn’t be a question. I’m the only Hyungie in your life.” He scoffed, baffled at your ask, letting you feel more at ease. “I love you, Blue.” He kissed your temple numerous times.

“I love you too, Hyungie.” 

You continued your time there in each other’s embrace, having so much weight lifted off. Solace and comfort remained, feeling alive once again in each other’s eyes. A promise being held so high and mighty to reassure the other that they were the only one in the world for one another.

A promise that may seem broken years later, yet still kept so eminent that no one could even see. Not even you and him.

Tagged: @manuosorioh @kaal-ee @thvxstf

[bumblebeerror]

jesse what the fuck are you talking about...

i know you said you won't respond, but i don't care. you don't have to. i'm replying because i feel the need to reply. i'm not looking for a response anymore.

"i'm aggressively kind, and not nice" what. i want to study your brain under a microscope. the entire paragraph about what you do with your friends is alien to me. it just does not compute. i don't understand. what the fuck even was that? i've never done that or seen anyone do any of that. what the fuck?

kidness isn't a human right.

education, food, water, shelter, family, medicine... those are human rights. you are not entitled to kindness simply because you were born into this world. you have to earn it.

the fact that you believe bad people like the ones i mentioned deserve kindness tells me you have clearly had a very good, safe life and have never been truly hurt or come face-to-face with evil. if you did, you'd quickly change your philosophy. let me guess, you also oppose the death penalty? figures.

i am not about to fotce myself to disobey my instinct/intuition. when my gut tells me something, it's for a reason. when i get the creeps around a registered sex offender, i can't just ignore that. not just for moral reasons, but because it's a self-preservation instinct too.

"kindness isn't empathy, kindness is compassion" EMPATHY AND COMPASSION ARE SYNONYMS?????????????????????? they mean the same thing. literally what's the difference???????? what.

i've been bullied extensively, please don't fucking lecture me on what bullying does. i can honestly say bullying had a positive effect on me. it helped me build thicker skin and now i'm no longer so hypersensitive. it builds character for many people.

"there's a reason you have trouble making friends" it's not my fault i was born this way. i've tried making and maintaining friends since i was a little child. but fuck it is impossible. making and maintaining enemies is very easy for me, however.

i'm sorry, but i don't think i can remember 20 people, let alone make 20 friends??? that sounds exhausting. i don't even truly know 20 people. i only truly know my mom, dad, sister, grandfather and (dead) grandmother. i think of the people i used to go to school with a lot, but i only knew them superficially. we never truly knew each other.

there are many reasons i have no friends. i think i know myself a little better than you know me. my problems are much deeper than just "not willing to be kind". i've always been distant and uncomfortable with intimacy. and i have a disneyland of problems and difficulties, so even if i did learn to be "kind", i would still have no friends.

it's better to be friendless and tough, than friendless and a pushover.

Yeah, alright. Since we’re off the idea that bullying teens as adults is remotely acceptable, I’ll play ball. You can take this answer or leave it - I don’t care.

1) I explained the difference between kindness and niceness already.

2) kindness is realizing the inherent value of another human and taking actions to that end, whether directly or in politics/raising awareness.

3) I am fat, disabled, poor, mentally ill, have lost several very close family members including my father, and I’m queer; if you think my life has been easy, I want whatever you’re smoking.

It is because my life has not been easy that I know that people deserve to be treated as people, even if they suck.

I don’t put myself in danger either. But it’s not hard to realize that prisons are new slavery or that sexual assault and torture via other inmates and guards isn’t a morally correct way to deal with anyone who breaks a law. I’d hope you’d also realize that being a bigot doesn’t exactly warrant the death penalty.

4) Empathy is the ability to put yourself in one’s shoes and understand where they’re coming from.

Compassion is actually helping someone in need.

Which is why autistic folks have been trying to make it clear for years that being low empathy doesn’t make you evil.

5) I’m sorry you’ve been bullied. Personally, the only thing bullying taught me was to hate who I was and mask extensively.

Have you considered that you struggle to make friends because you don’t reach out to people for fear of them bullying you? Have you thought of the possibility that being bullied in fact changed you for the worse and made you less able to be yourself and be open with friends?

There are loads of studies on what bullying does to developing minds. I’m sure you do feel as if it’s helped you. Check back in on that in 2 years eh?

6) You were not “born this way”. Humans are, whether you like it or not, social creatures. You have unfortunately been taught by your bullies that people are unpleasant and out to get you. This isn’t true, and it’s fairly easy to root out those who are when you’re an adult in control of who you talk to or see.

Because imma be straight up with you king. I’ve got ADHD and autism, and even with those difficulties making friends those disorders represent, I still make friends exclusively because I treat others how I want to be treated and try to be the friend I’d want to have. I have such a wide circle of friends because I treat them well without the expectation that they’ll always be able to match that. I’ve not had a problem since I started doing so.

You have trouble making friends because you are an unpleasant person who does not think of others, and because you have convinced yourself that you were not made to have friends. Have you ever planned an event for your friends? Do you ever reach out to talk to them? Have you ever tried being the friend you want to have?

Because until *I* started doing that, I was a lot like you. I even believed it was other people’s fault nobody wanted to be friends with me. And if that wasn’t the case, I just wasn’t suited to having friends. Sound familiar?

I am also viscerally uncomfortable with intimacy. I also have trouble expressing emotions. I have a flat affect. I have multiple health issues and neurological issues related to them. I do not understand how to comfort others. I still have friends and I still get on well. Don’t put up your own barriers, mate. There are plenty of folks who have similar issues. Unfortunately this is a case where you aren’t special, and that’s a good thing.

7) I’m sure being tough will get you far when you have nobody to rely on for help.

I’m not a pushover for recognizing that other people have needs and inherent value.

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

Is anyone else occasionally sort of nostalgic for early in the pandemic? I realize that might just be me taking my usual tendency toward nostalgia to ridiculous degrees. But I’ve heard a few other people talk about this before, so I know it’s not just me. Not people I know, or anything – no one I know has any idea why I’d feel this way, which is sort of part of the problem. I’ve heard a couple of comedians talk about it. And I hope this goes without saying, obviously I don’t literally want to return to an earlier point in the pandemic. Nostalgia paints a rosier picture than the one that actually existed, and obviously it’s incredibly self-centric to feel this way, because millions and millions of people around the globe had horrifying experiences that I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

But. Okay, before the pandemic, for pretty much all my life, I felt out of step with other people. Your run of the mill level of autistic-related out of step. Didn’t understand people, they didn’t understand me, by high school I managed to find a community of people where everyone so outside normal society that they accepted me anyway and just sort of went along with my quirks, I hung on to that community for the next fifteen years, it was fine. Things were a little off, but they sort of worked out.

And now, I feel a gulf between myself and others that seems wider than anything I’d felt since before high school, since before I really communicated with anyone. I’m never on the same page as anyone else. Everyone else returned to the world in the wake of COVID ages before I did, so they’re all on a different timeline from me, things that seem new and scary to me are things they got through a year or more ago. And they returned so much faster than me, with so much less fear. They’ve all just moved on like the world hasn’t changed. And I know that maybe they’re just pretending it’s okay, same as I try to do, but this also applies to my close friends, whom I’ve talked to honestly about it, and there’s just such a gap between the way we experience things. I feel like I’ve come back into a world that’s wildly changed in my absence and that I now understand less than ever did.

Also, I can’t let shit go. Everything that got said during the pandemic, all the adults who are in positions of influence over children and teenagers and used their social media promote COVID conspiracies. All the people who illegally kept gathering all through the pandemic, and bragged about it, and now we’re supposed to just go back to seeing them as fun friendly rivals. All the people who drove to my own neighbourhood only a year ago to stand literally outside my fucking bedroom window with “No mandate” signs to fight for their right to kill everyone’s grandmother. I don’t know how to let go of the anger about that and see anything that they’re involved in as fun again.

I really love this Tweet:

Because that’s how it feels, like it isn’t fun anymore. People I used to dislike because they were dicks, I now dislike because they came to my home and tried to destroy my neighbourhood in the name of freedom to ruin the world. It’s not fucking fun to beat them in a fun game anymore. I have, however, started referring to several world-ruining people I know as “aforementioned lizard”, and that does make me laugh.

But there was a point in the middle, in between the pre-COVID time and whatever’s happening now, when I felt more connected to the world than I ever had. Like everyone was on the same page, more than I’d ever experienced before. Everyone was indoors, everyone was doing the same thing, experiencing the same struggles (obviously they weren’t, I’m ridiculously lucky that I wasn’t trying to take care of kids during the pandemic, that I had a job I could easily do from home so I didn’t lose my income, that while I did lose a good friend tragically in 2021, none of my loved ones became seriously ill with COVID - but it felt like everyone was in the same boat).

And I know it’s ridiculous to be nostalgic for that time – I actually have a way to go back and see how I was doing then, because I started this blog in August 2020. And I know I made posts on this blog in its first year or so that make it clear things were not going well. I desperately missed my life. But I was also looking forward to my life coming back, just the way I’d left it. That’s what I miss, that’s what I’m nostalgic for. The time when I was looking forward to that, because I hadn’t yet learned that it wouldn’t happen that way.

Anyway. The thing that got me writing this post isn’t nearly as dark as that. Well, I guess it is dark, but it isn’t nearly as dramatic as that. Does anyone else remember those couple of YouTube songs that went viral in late 2020/early 2021, by this guy calling himself Thomas Benjamin Wild Esq? I don’t know who he is. He’s British and he writes comedy songs, so I guess he’s technically a British comedian, but I’ve never heard of him outside this small number of songs he put up on YouTube. But he put them up at that point in the pandemic, the point where that messed up and misplaced nostalgia fits for me. They were timely and funny.

I spent a fair bit of late 2020/early 2021 staying at my parents’ place, because my mother was across the country taking care of her parents, and my dad was alone in the house, and got lonely during lockdown. And when lockdown was lifted, he still didn’t go anywhere except work, and when he was at work, the cats were alone all day, which wasn’t great. And I liked my dad, and got along with him, which is more than I can say for my roommate, so if I was going to be locked in the house for months anyway (which I was, I didn’t have any non-essential social contact during the pre-vaccination era of COVID, whether lockdowns were officially mandated or not), it may as well be with someone I like. So I stayed there for months, working from my dad’s living room, taking care of cats all day. In the evening, my dad and I would take turns making dinner and then watch Catsdown or QI, because we have a common interest and Canadian folk music and British comedy, and those are nice things to have in common for being compatible roommates.

And then, probably more often than a doctor would advise, after we’d finished eating dinner and watching whatever we watched, my dad would go to bed, and I’d get drunk on something from my parents’ wine cabinet, like I was a teenager again (except not really, because I didn’t actually start drinking until I was 19 and no longer living in my parents’ house). I’d watch Taskmaster and Mock the Week and 8 Out of 10 Cats and Amstell-era Buzzcocks, and make posts on this blog about how much I missed real life and how Britcom was getting me through this temporary break from reality. And I often listened to those few weird songs that were sort of viral at the time by this Thomas Benjamin person.

Anyway, he appears to have recently put up a couple of new things, which has put his old stuff back into my YouTube recommendations again. Which is the thing that actually started me writing this post, which was not meant to be all that dramatic. The point of this post was supposed to be: “Remember the funny songs by that guy that hit just right at that specific time and are so tied to that time that they give me a weird and ill-advised nostalgia for like December 2020″?

I know exactly how long ago I was into those songs - it was before Taskmaster season 10 had finished. I know because I took one of those songs, and used it as the background in a Taskmaster video I made in fall 2020, that used only clips from seasons 1-9, because I’m pretty sure season 10 had only just started at the time:

It’s worth seeing the actual video, though:

I think that went went viral during COVID because, you know, it was relevant. But it was written a while before it. While this one was actually written during and about lockdown:

And this one was also written specifically for that time period, in the YouTube description as: “dedicated to those out there who still refuse to wear a mask in public places”. Set to the Monty Python’s Flying Circus theme song (yes I realize it wasn’t originally the Monty Python’s Flying Circus theme song, but you can’t expect us to see it anything else by now):

Anyway, I’ve just learned he has a bunch of songs I did not previously know about that I’m going to get into now, sometimes the YouTube algorithm gets it right by reminding me of things like this.

[maski1]

The problem I have with Yurei Deco’s ending

I planned to write this A LOT earlier but I had things to do and honestly? I didn’t want to rewatch that damn episode 12.

Keep in mind it’s only MY opinion. You are free to disagree with me.

So what do I have against Yurei Deco’s ending? More specifically, it’s the fact that Hack takes the place of Injunction Jo that I hate.

Jo should have picked someone else

Jo literally fucking said 2 minutes before that she wanted someone naive, purehearted and self-centered.

Guys. Hack is probably the most selfish, self-centered main character of the show.

Berry risks her life and becomes a Yurei because she wants to save Hack who is accused of being Phantom Zero. She lost her Love, lost the right to see her parents and old friends, lost her comfort. And she never reproached Hack for it. Pup is a robot so he can’t take the job. Finn used everyone but he did so to save the inhabitants of where he grew up. They tossed him and treated him badly but he still spent years planning to save them. The others do nothing self-centered (except helping their found family) but nothing selfish either.

Hack? In episode 1 she saves Berry from Phantom Zero only because Berry has the origami. Given how touching a “0” thingy in a Hyperverse looks dangerous, it seems very risky to leave Berry alone in front of Phantom Zero. Dumps Berry behind as soon as she sees the exit of the Control Center. Her using weird sayings all the time and ignoring when people don’t understand her is also a sign. She doesn’t even try to learn or understand their point of view.

In short, Hack isn’t interested in people unless she likes them or has something to gain from doing so.

Jo sees everything so she knows this. Would you put the lives of the inhabitants of a whole city in the hands of someone who cares only about themselves and their relatives?

Not to mention Jo must have seen Hack ditching everything she doesn’t like without a care for the consequences.

Giving the Yurei the possibility to gain Love is problematic

Hack doesn’t like what doesn’t exist in the real world. She doesn’t like artificial things. Why would she give people who live in the slums access to Love, that is something that doesn’t exist in the real world?

I mean, it’s a form of freedom and Hack LOVES freedom. But the problem is, giving Finn’s childhood neighborhood inhabitants what they want will not let them reflect on if they truly are right.

What these people need is to understand why the garbage is causing illness (once they do, they will accept that health is more important than Love). Not that they can have all the Love they want. Not that they get Love by cleaning the place. First it’s a short-term solution because they won’t understand that Love isn’t more important than their environment, second they will associate garbage with a way to get more Love. It gives bad morals.

The end is uselessly sad

Jo stated she was tired of her job and at the end we learn she has decided to leave the island and go see the outside world. This implies that Phantom Zero can’t leave Mark Twain and is most likely surrounded only by robots and AI. It also appears she can’t contact anyone outside the paradise (except for supplies maybe?).

So, instead of trying to change the rules so she is the last one to suffer, Jo simply ditches the burden on a kid… and leave the island once Hack’s training is done.

Not to mention Hack is a girl and a girl staying on Mark Twain behind a “protection system” called “Angel Fish Club” is creepy when you know what the Angel Fish Club truly was.

Luckily, we’re talking about Hack, who ditches things as soon as she’s bored with them (and it seems it’s what happens at the end) or force her way out even if you try to stop her. I don’t know if the purpose of such a setting is supposed to be a simple reference or if it’s supposed to tell us the system ruling the island is the root of the problem. So it appears to me as a uselessly sad fate for Hack, even if she has the nerves to toss her new responsibilities aside.

This end doesn’t solves half the problems and questions

Sure Berry caught Phantom Zero, sure she and Hack and us know who Phantom Zero and the Zero Phenomenons are. Sure they proved their innocence and Berry got her old life back.

Remember episode 6? Remember how it is implied that Hackitt has been killed, or at least sent away in some kind of prison? That he left his precious drone behind so his discoveries on Phantom Zero can be passed on? Remember when Finn said that Hack would probably be sent to a correctional facility after the trial? Remember how the non-Yurei still don’t know about the Yurei?

All the anime shows the problems come from the way the island works. Not to mention you shouldn’t be the only one to rule, the non-Yurei rely on their Deco too much. They can’t see people right in front of them if their Deco is hacked. They need to be popular on social medias to be happy in their life (look at Finn’s old family). They can be tricked into liking food thanks to “Flavor”. They can hide ugly, dangerous garbage with Deco. They are not forced to like with the Yurei existence, they choose to.

And now that Berry knows about the Yurei, the dirty truth of those knowing too much being disposed of, how they live in a world where everything is real and don’t need to be loved on Twitter to be happy, she does… nothing???

They gave up on the morals they started to show

The anime begins by showing us the problems of a society relying too much on AR and social medias. And about truth (= reality) and lies (= Deco). And about good and bad lies. And about hiding things people don’t want to see/acknowledge it exists because it could hurt them.

And the end is: “put content warnings so people can choose to see only what they want”. … Which won’t solve anything. And it’s the opposite of what Hack says to Jo: people don’t need you to tell them what is wrong and what is right. Putting content warnings is already labeling something as potentially bad for you one way or another.

Now, to some degree, content warnings are a good idea (like hiding R-18 content) … if everyone knows they should go out of their comfort zone from time to time. We don’t hear much about it but social medias and websites that recommend you content based on your tastes have the effect of keeping you as you are. Instead of encouraging you to discover new stuff and grow as a person (which is the morals of The World Ends With You for example).

I really LOVED Yurei Deco at the beginning. I loved that a girl born in an easy-to-live city discovered its dark side, accepted her new life as an outcast, unintentionally made people around her care for others and questioned the society and what she did/thought while chasing a mysterious being in such a bright-looking cyberpunk world using AR. I loved the parallels with the social medias and their critics of the Internet communities. I loved how they presented AI both as robots having an owner and shop owners (for the more advanced ones) without having them give the money to someone else. I loved Berry and Hack.

Which is why it pains me so much that the staff didn’t plan the ending (see Crunchyroll’s Interview again), chose to not use the anime for criticism and went for the easy way by having an ending up to interpretation.

If it was clear it couldn’t have been a hidden gem by the middle of the anime, it surely could have at least ended in a satisfactory way. I’d gladly watch whatever sequel-like thing would show up if it means the characters realize the problem is the system ruling the island itself.

[chicagosavant]

Dealing with a person who has some major unacknowledged personality disorder traits—of the narcissistic/border-line sort…

The absolute one-sided, self-centered perspective of reality—I see it in my patients so often, and I’ve glimpsed episodes in this particular friend over the years. But never to this extent, and so flipping disconnected from reality, where they accept absolutely no responsibility in their actions. And when the people who’ve tried to help them out mention their own particular commitments, or boundaries, regarding the situation that’s persisted longer than it was ever meant, bc of a lack of clarity in communication—that, I’ll admit both to parties sharing some responsibility (although, the BPP person certainly won’t…)—and the reactive hostile vindictiveness…omg. They’ve said their part, and we’ve said ours. Trying to reframe their actions in terms of the lack of clarity, and completely inaccurate portrayal of topics discussed is like trying to truth-sandwich an anti-Vaxer. It’s pointless, bc their version of realty is so self-absorbed, and detracts from any constructive trouble-shooting. Their poor dogs, who are the subject of this vague-post, where we’re (my partner and I) are trying to get our friend to get her damn (but actually very sweet, fairly low maintenance, but have literally been staying with us for 6 fucking months already) dogs, while our friend/ex-friend decided amid a mid-life crisis, they would up and drive 1/2 way cross-country to buffoo-NewMexico, thinking this was The Great Life ReSet—then, decided, literally after trying it for 6 wks in NewMexico-Life wasn’t happening quite as planned, and upped-n-hauled back to New-Fucking-England. En route, mentioning they needed a place to leave their dogs till they could get set up in a new apt.

Bad foresight on my part, not specifying a time-frame we were willing to watch them for (in the Midwest, btw—no where near NewEngland….). 6 months was not a part of this dialogue, till after they tell us they signed a lease on an apt, but the catch: “Oh surprise! They won’t let me have my dogs. So, as a favor to you guys, I told them I could only sign a 6 month lease bc I just couldn’t be away from my little shmoopies that long, for a full 12 months. So, it looks like you’ll be watching them into the spring (wtf??? That hadn’t been mentioned…)”. Btw, this friend is a working professional in healthcare, at a pretty cush teaching-hospital in NewEngland—not homeless/jobless/salaryless/or skilless—they can afford the $450-900 pops for their ketamine infusions, every 1-2x/month, but lament how hard-up they are financially, unable to afford a place that’ll let them have dogs. We’ve attempted to politely inquire as to any updates on her living situation a few times, in the last few weeks, especially as this 6 month lease is up in early April, and supposedly, her current landlords were considering letting her have her dogs, so she could finish out the coming 6 months on her lease. Or, bc—well, you know—finding a place, and moving and all that…also, well, we’re going out of country in early April, and we don’t want to be responsible for her dogs needing a boarder. And they’re not our dogs. She’s covered the cost of kibble (2 long-haired doxies, not that expensive anyway, but appreciated from our end), but we’ve done all the other doggy things you do when you’re not a turd, and you’re caring for fur-babies. However, We already postposed/wrote-off a few fall trips that had been in the works/planned bc of her sudden crisis-mode, and the changing goal-post of duration for which we were meant to be watching her dogs originally. So, bc we heard nothing in the last 2 months, in terms of time-frame, touching base on dates of when she’d be able to out to get her “shmoopies”, (for the record, we’d even floated the possibility of driving them out to her once she had a better idea what her plans were…), we sent an email mentioning upcoming dates that we were finally planning on going abroad to visit a friend (in 2 months, btw—about the time our friend was/is supposed to be out to get her dogs), and we were trying to figure out what game-plan was. She tells us she’s already put in for vacation, and only had a certain select number of days/dates, end of March into April, that she could be out, bc it was already approved by her employer, and there was nothing she could do to alter that, and if the dates didn’t work with our plans, well that was on us bc this is what we’d talked about in a conversation 2 months ago.

um, yeah, I don’t need to say here—this was not how that particular topic was mentioned 2 months ago. We’d batted around a general time-frame, with the understanding we’d be revisiting the dates more specifically around now, before anything was set in stone. We had no idea she’d already made plans—didn’t even know she was planning on staying with us, or she was intending to visit at that time. And proceeds to blame this whole situation on us…

Anyway—I have every sympathy for the shit-pie she keeps referring to in every-other paragraph, regarding her life-choice consequences in the last 5 years, and I hope she finds a place in her life, at some point, where she feels more in control of her circumstances. We’ve tried to help her, to the extent we were able, in the way she’d seemed to ask, but the rule of thumb with Narcissistic/BPersonalities is—the moment you mention you’re own commitments, or boundaries, they’ll come back at you, blaming you for failing every expectation of what they expect from a friend…

enough said—personal rant done…

[twothirdsgenius]

Tell me about love! Are you in love? Do you want to be? Could you live a life without romantic love? Is unrequited love real love?

oh FUCK yeah we’re starting right out the gate babeyyy. warning, I am going to trauma dump here but in my defense this is all shit I’ve worked through in therapy and so it will be a healthy, polished dump of trauma.

I used to be really nervous about the idea of romantic love? Not opposed but literally terrified of it? I grew up in a house with parents who didn’t love each other, and the frequent arguing and fighting I had to listen to at night when they’d thought I was asleep was just the norm, and I didn’t want that at all.

I’m on the ace spectrum somewhere, but I’m still down 100% with being in love with someone who I consider a partner in the romantic sense. I’m accepting applications now, mutuals hmu 🤙🏻

I think there are many types of love we experience through life and that none of them are inherently superior to the other. The only important thing to me is that love exists in some capacity and for that reason, I do think I would be able to live a life without romantic love but I would prefer not to? I think friendship, loyalty, and companionship are what I desire the most out of a romantic relationship, and that can be experienced with or without romance. Deadass, that’s one of the reasons why I latched onto dnp like one of those filter feeding fish who go for rides with sharks and haven’t let go since. My fourteen year old self was like oh shit it’s possible to actually like your significant other and enjoy spending time with them?

Oh boy. Unrequited love. I don’t have any experience with that as a real adult (yet) but I carried a torch for someone for like four years and it was the most cliche fucking thing in the entire world because he was (and still is) one of my best friends. It was the messiest fucking love triangle you’ve ever seen in your entire life but it was also a raging inferno of teenage hormones and our collective untreated mental illnesses and my chaotic messy home life that ended in? Apologies and forgiveness and acceptance and a very kind, easy let-down that hurt a lot less than I expected it to. Was it real love or just infatuation? I honestly still can’t say lmao but whether or not unrequited love is real love or not, it taught me a lot of important lessons about basing my own self-worth on the opinions of other people and we still do very much love and care about each other to this day. It could have been “real” love, but it was super fucking unhealthy and codependent and it almost killed me in a very real, non-metaphorical sense. That isn’t what constitutes real love to me. Real love to me is a choice you make every day and that feels like the right choice every time. It takes effort and things won’t always be 50/50 because we are flawed human beings with our own individual needs and not machines but it shouldn’t feel scary. I don’t want to have to be scared that my partner will punch a hole through the drywall if I say the wrong thing, because that wasn’t an irregular occurrence in my house. As soon as I got my driver’s license, I was as relieved because it meant I could take my brother and sister out of the house and go to Taco Bell or something while we waited for the worst of the fight to be over. I was always scared that I would come home to see either of my parents packing a bag or something even worse. I think with real love, whether it’s romantic or not, it should always feel safe and not used as a weapon.

Shit this got LONG thank you for indulging me and my adhd meds induced talkativeness anon ❤️❤️❤️ lub you

[dumbbitchfrommars]

Hello. I may have just broken the heart of someone I love and care about, but it had to be done.

I know better now. I won’t hurt my friends because I’m confused about my own feelings…

Ugh. Anyway. Now there’s space for new in my life. Like a capricorn man that rides a motorbike. Take me for a ride sometime, maybe?

Anyway. My brain is drained from this day. It’s crazy that I’ve suddenly found myself with a friend I can call when I need to and not feel awkward about it. And that we went overseas together and our friendship survived it. And also , I have other friends like that for me ?

Like… god heard my prayers and gave me what I’ve been asking for. And all I had to do was cut off the old ones, the ones that were festering and ruining me bit by bit the longer I held onto hope. My greatest blessing was taking people at their face value. I won’t continue to make the same mistakes about toxic people. I’ve learnt my lessons and know what is best and safest for me and my peace of mind, my spiritual and psychic wellbeing. It’s all that matters at the end of the day. And I know how to support the people that love me too, and while it might be different to what I need or am used to, I can do that for them. Because I love them, and they would do the same for me. And they are worth it. They are more than worth my love. My walls and defenses don’t need to stay up anymore. I’m SAFE. I’m good. I’ve got me. They’ve got me. We’re good.

Now the question remains if I see my old Capricorn friend? Or do I leave him behind for new people. Maybe he got into a fight that night. But maybe… he found a girl to take home and ditched me for her. Which would be crazy, cause I looked so fucking cute that night. God I’m silly sometimes I know. I just love romanticising my life. Maybe I should wear that same outfit to my date with the new motorbike Capricorn this weekend. Just to close the cycle. Just to laugh with the universe instead of being laughed at for once. I won’t continue to resist. I love him, just like I love the Taurus, but he’s just not aligned with me anymore. He’s literally posting stories of himself drinking and chugging beers every other day. It’s a PROBLEM. it’s a disease in this country. Lord help us. How am I supposed to go on this date for “dinner and drinks” and not have a drink? Do I tell him I’m trying to be sober? Maybe I say I’m having a little break from drinking. A little white lie to tie me over until I’m ready to tell him. Or until I know I’m going to be sober for real for real. I am only 23. It’s probably not likely I’m gonna never have another drop of alcohol. I already know I want to while on holiday. But maybe I try to only like once a week? One drink, once a week? Maximum? That seems okay. To be fair I was pretty hungover the day I made this decision. It was a dark feeling. It also isn’t necessary to drink. Esp if I already know I don’t need to or want to. I can have fun without. So it’s mainly just for a social validation/acceptance. So maybe, this week, the only time I’ll have a drink is one while on this date with my new Capricorn biker boy. YUM. love if that works out and I actually like him. High hopes!! Come on god!! Pull through for me. And also let me have some self control to not go back to that man’s house too soon. I’m jumping the gun. Let me think about this when it’s closer to the date. Ok thanks good night. No more overthinking. This is probably the lingering hangover. FUCK ALCOHOL. it’s so dark. It makes me anxious. I need to remember all these things before I just do the same thing and get drunk again next weekend. Be serious for once. Keep your promises. No more binge drinking. My poor parents. They must hate me for this. lol. My addictive personality jumps out again. Still, I think this addiction is a lot better than the weed addiction. Socially. But also mentally. I wasn’t ok back then. What a time. Feels like a lifetime ago. Even my ex. Wow. I still haven’t entirely let him go if I’m looking for another capricorn. But there’s just something about capricorns. Zayn is my dream man. So it’s not just my ex. It’s just… me. My moon sign. My whole life. Saturn. The sexiest planet. My ruling planet. The planet of learning your lessons the hard way. The only way I’ve ever been able to really integrate life lessons.

Ok. Enough now. Good night 💤

[s-s-s-sideblog]

it’s literally just summer. that’s what it is. what do you mean two years ago i was extremely lonely and had nothing to do and an unstable home life and was filled with self hatred and then reading fanfiction about steve from stranger things getting railed within an inch of his life (among other things) genuinely changed my life. and also now that they’re filming again i’m reminded of the grip this silly little show has on my life which is so!! silly!! and i’m trying not to be embarassed because for the first time ever i have a solid friend group that doesn’t primarily consist of people who regularly engage in fandom culture. i think it’s the paradox of like. now that i’m socially accepted it’s harder to be weird because i actually have something to lose if people think i’m strange and off-putting. and also i have in fact spent nine straight weeks with people i don’t know well so i’m masking like 24/7, either by literally pretending to Be Normal or by putting up with the sensory nightmare that is my current living situation.

also i don’t currently have an ongoing piece of media that i’m extremely interested in and can talk about. like not even in an autistic way i just need something to engage with meaningfully because modern family reruns are no longer cutting it. and books are good but they make me sad and montreal makes me sad because it reminds me of loneliness. it reminds me of scream-crying at my dad in the airport because our flight got delayed and i didn’t know how to handle things like that yet. crying a lot, actually, because i love my dad but he doesn’t get it and no one does and actually i’m going to die alone because i am fundamentally unable to love someone wholly!! oh except for maybe my childhood best friend who i was waiting for to wake up one day and realize she was in love with me too but instead she ditched me for the first man who was nice to her. and now we don’t talk and i see her tumblr posts still and sometimes they’re just batshit insane and make me wonder what kind of person she’s become. and actually i think i’m just isolated because i’ve seen almost no one except my coworkers and the fucking townspeople since may. but also sometimes when my friends say they love me i don’t believe them. and lily told me i was a beautiful soul when she was drunk and i went to bed and cried because i was convinced that if she Knew The Truth she’d change her mind (what even is The Truth??). and that i held my breath and squeezed my other friend’s hand when i saw someone i didn’t want to see and she made and offhand comment about me being scared of him and i’m not, not really, not of him, i just know that we’re not so different and everyone did hate him once they Knew The Truth and even though everyone says i’ve never done something as horrible as he has so i shouldn’t worry i don’t know if that’s true. and christ what does it say about me that i cared for him? (loved him? wanted him to love me? did i even?) that i saw myself in him? that i kinda thought i was being used but i let him do it because i liked the attention? that this fucking mealworm of a man is always in the back of my mind, like a devil on my shoulder, like a snake waiting to strike? what the fuck does it say about me, this borderline psychosexual obsession? i think it says that i’m still secretly convinced that if i hate him enough i will kill the part of myself that is like him. but i don’t hate him, because i don’t really truly hate many people, but also because i don’t hate myself. because i know there’s a world where i didn’t get better and i turned out like him and i would want the world to have sympathy for me so it makes me feel sympathy for him. himhimhimhimhim jesus christ it’s embarassing to think this way about a man i knew for less than a year. but also shaming myself will only make it worse, like when you punch a non-newtonian fluid. there’s no wrong way to feel. there’s no wrong way to feel. i’m not hiding anything. i swear i’m not. sometimes i wonder what i’m hiding without meaning to, though.

[ramblingroommate]

9-1-1 season 1 ep. 3 “Next of Kin”

Why do I care so much about these characters I’ve known for a total of 15 seconds? The dad is overcompensating sure, but he’s trying so hard to make this birthday party special for his son after a divorce (or maybe the mom died?) and him having another son with a new woman (who he’s been an asshole to because he doesn’t want his son to think he loves them more than him). And something is about to go wrong because that’s the show but I hope no one dies and they all resolve their conflicts and say how much they love each other.

I get attached really easily okay?

….?

I’m sorry what? Chimney is complaining about never getting to do any of the fun stuff? Chimney? Mr. I’m-scared-of-everything? THAT Chimney?

I’m lost. Haven’t we spent the first two episodes establishing how Chimney is scared of everything? He was scared of the snake, literally ran away from the dogs and Hen even made fun of him saying something along the lines of “when was the last time you jumped over something or ran into a fire?”

Here, I even looked for it again. Hen literally says he hasn’t ran into a burning building in such a long time they can’t even remember when that was...

And now, from one episode to the next, he gets annoyed because he never gets to do any of the fun stuff?

Maybe I shouldn’t be so stuck on this but it was one of the two main traits they clearly outlined for him so I’m having some trouble understanding how I could have gotten it wrong. Or maybe it’s done on purpose? I’ll keep watching...

And we’re back! It did feel weird starting with a different case but the father and son thing distracted me long enough lol

Also you can see that Athena is a cop and is used to not freaking out in stressful situations because she makes sure her son is safe and not freaking out and calling Michael, all this while being scared for her daughter.

Poor Athena, she must feel so guilty and responsible even tho it’s not her fault. I have to say that the actress has been killing these scenes, she sells the pain and fear so well. Also the remaining in control through the fear! She’s scared but she needs to hold herself together for her daughter. I think the actress’ (Angela Bassett I believe?) job was even harder because it’s just episode three and we don’t really know these characters yet. We’ve seen May maybe two (three?) times so far, we’re not attached to her yet, so our pain comes entirely from her performance. And what a job she’s doing

I think I’ve said it before but I love little touches of realism that make shows more believable (she had to rush out so she didn’t take her phone). It’s nothing important but my mind always gets stuck on those little details (in a positive way).

Also Michael is here! I wonder how they’ll handle the situation (and each other).

Do you really think now is the time for this, Michael? Talking about blame right now is not going to solve anything, you should concentrate on May.

Mmmmh this is interesting. I have to admit, I was wondering this same thing after last episode. It definitely came out of nowhere but that could be because we’re just beginning to get to know the characters - or maybe there IS something else going on. Maybe it’s not one big thing that happened but a bunch of smaller things that together became too much. It could be school, friends, boyfriend, self esteem PLUS the whole Michael thing (maybe it got out and she started to get bullied for it?).

Poor guys. This is a pretty realistic conversation, after all there IS a time in a kid’s life when they are unable to express their needs and wants and it’s their parents job to understand what they need and provide it for them. The transition from “you’re my whole word and I depend on you for everything” to “I’m older now and not only will I not tell you what I’m going through but I will actively keep some things from you” can be really hard to accept.

Oh… oh no.

This scene is breaking my fucking heart for Athena 💔

Michael is not hurting her on purpose (he didn’t know what was going on), but Athena needs her family right now and Michael’s boyfriend being there just reminds her how broken their situation is.

So it has nothing to do with Michael at all! I thought it may be a mix of that and something else but nope. I’m glad… or as glad as I can be about such a situation but still.

Also, I know Athena is going to go mental on that girl because hearing May talking about it made MY blood boil.

I fucking hate bullies

Oof this is relentless, emotional punch after emotional punch (╥.╥)

I mean I don't blame the social worker and it's good that these protocols exist but it makes it so hard on them in this situation.

Oh wow, I love this scene

First of all the actress is absolutely killing it, I actually teared up a bit. The hurt in her voice, the fierceness, her eyes, everything.

Second, the writing is really on point too. We saw Athena's tough side in the first episodes and now her vulnerability. But THIS specific scene and dialogue merges the two so well. She is distraught but focused, angry but caring ("I may want to slap you with my left hand, but my right hand is holding you and the kids tight). Such good characterization.

And now Chimney...

I'm keeping my eyes on you sir (¬_¬)

I'm sorry Chimney got rejected but you should talk with your partner about how you both feel about marriage BEFORE proposing... also how long have they been together? I was under the impression it was pretty recent (like less than a year)

Bobby... I agree with you but also that was probably the worst thing you could have told him in that moment. Show some empathy man

Okay... I'm a bit conflicted about this. The lead up to Bobby and Chimney's argument felt a bit contrived to me BUT I'm actually enjoying the confrontation.

Also there is definitely something wrong with Bobby's family, I wonder what it is...

YOU WERE FUCKING AFRAID OF EVERYTHING UNTIL LAST EPISODE WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT MAN

Also I side with Bobby on this one if it wasn't clear enough.

He is going pretty fast and keeps getting distracted... is he going to get in an accident?

Well FUCK

Also there was no one in the car while filming lol

Wait really? They're doing a Phineas Gage? It's so weird seeing a case based on a real story I actually know about.

I wonder if Chimney will have long lasting effects or if they'll just hand wave it away (Phineas Gage's injury "only" affected his personality and behavior because the bar destroyed his frontal lobe, the angle of Chimney's metal bar is completely different).

part 2

[lifeneedsrot]

🌟new intro post :> ! Hey howdy hi yo. I’m Quasi. This is?? A system account for people other than the host. There will be a few of us here. I’m not really sure who.

We’re looking for friends! We are severely deficient on friendships. Current host has a problem with insisting that the only relationships that they need are within the system! And then they sent a giant black ocean to wipe us all out. Strange! Almost as if by denying connections outside of the system, they inadvertently denied connections within the system as well. Funny how things work, huh?!?? Isn’t that right, host?!!?! Anyway, they don’t want to be associated with me, and probably won’t want to be associated with any of the others that are going to crawl out of the ocean all different than they used to be. Host isn’t going to be here, and won’t even be referred to by name if we can help it.

We’re very open and accepting! Again, looking for friends :>. We don’t reject anyone without giving them a chance to talk a bit. Even if you’re riddled with red flags. In fact, I’m looking for a particular kind of fucked up, so red flags are good in my book. You should take that as a red flag. ;>. So, as far as DNI goes, literally anyone can interact! I guess we’ll just block you if you suck. We dont like taking a stance on anything most of the time, and aren’t interested in discourse. Generally assume that we’ll keep an open mind to anything. My moral compass is crooked and rather broken, really. I don’t think there’s any fixing it after the things I’ve been complacent in 🤷. So I won’t bother! In short, freaks and monsters are welcomed with open arms.

Just a disclaimer, we got cancelled on Quotev for abusing an ex. We did all the actions they claimed, but I don’t think we “groomed” them like they claimed. Grooming is intentional and requires planning something out in advance and preparing someone for a specific purpose. We really just acted on our impulses. Also, they LITERALLY asked for it. They told us, pretty directly, that if we didn’t hurt them, they’d hurt themselves. We were very desperate to get them to stop hurting themselves, and we were very desperate to prove we cared about them, and that we wouldn’t abandon them. Everything we did, we did either because we thought they wanted it, or because we were trying to make sure they didn’t leave us. If you asked our ex, they’d say I took the wrong lesson away from that relationship. Our host believes that they (host) took the right lesson away from the relationship. I think we’re both a little off, if I’m honest, but I’m also pretty stubborn and since I don’t know what the “right lesson” is supposed to be, I’m doubling down on my worldview. Which is that the relationship would’ve worked out if we’d been unapologetic, if we hadn’t let ourselves get guilty, if we hadn’t doubted ourselves, and if we didn’t give in to a pit of self-loathing. The final straw, in my opinion, was when we “tried to get better” and didn’t constantly give them what we thought was best for them but started to listen to what they thought was best. We let them break our resolve. And the worst thing we did in that relationship wasn’t the horrible torment we did, but our doubt of our actions and our guilt.

So here’s my warning: I’m unapologetically horrible. I’m going to do what I think is best, and you’re probably not going to change my mind. Im not mean, I’m quite accepting and warm and loving, but I am absolutely pushy and I will break down whatever walls I think are necessary to form the connections I want in the relationships I need. If I take a liking to you, it’s probably going to hurt. I won’t be deceitful, I’ll be pretty direct and honest with the intentions behind my actions, like I am being right now, but I’m definitely going to do exactly what I think is necessary to progress a relationship in the direction I want. I’m looking for a bestest ever best buddy, and if I think you’re the right one to be my bff, let’s just say I could be your angle or yuor debil! ;>!! But seriously, I’m gonna be horrible if it’s necessary. I’ll do pretty much anything short of murder! Even that little barrier could probably be broken if I really believe that murder would get me the love that my parasitic heart needs to live.

Anyway! Ignore my warnings and be my friend 💖. Please please please 😇🥺? I tooootally won’t sink my teeth into your heart and never let go. If youre absolutely horrible, I’ll love you with open arms. I’m horrible too, and unapologetically so. Spill your guts for me and I’ll spill mine for you. Metaphorically of course ;>! I’m looking to build a new found family of freaks. If you’ve got a good mixture of personal elements, I can show you a depth of connection few people have managed to reach. Im a little bonkers, maybe a bit full of myself, but I’m confident that I can recreate that warmth. I’ve done it before. Of course, let’s not get ahead of ourselves! Obviously we’re not going to form an unbreakable bond overnight. It’ll take a long time. But the first step is reaching out and trusting someone with your friendship. So, come talk to me! Give our friendship a chance to blossom. I might be a bit alarming and a bit off-putting, but aren’t you curious? Aren’t you fascinating? Don’t you want to see what happens? Come talk to me! Be my friend :> I’m so lonely, and I’m sure you’re lonely, too. Maybe we’ll connect in unbelievable ways. No way to know until you give it a chance ;>

What a long intro! Where am I going with this? Ah, I know, I should introduce the other alters. I’ll just reblog this with additions when it’s necessary. We use emojis to indicate who’s talking.

🌟Quasi. They/them. Me! Former host before current host. (Technically there was a host between us, but they split in half and half merged into me and the other half merged into the current host.)

🖤Coghlan. He/it. My knife wife. He likes cutting me up in erotic ways. A bit overprotective and very obsessive. He used to not care about any alters that weren’t me, but now he’s taken a role that’s rather charmingly protective of the others. It doesn’t want to let anyone fight in unproductive ways. It pretty much does whatever I want, though.

🔭Stella. She/they. An absolute sweetheart. Very hopeful and positive and quite silly. She’s convinced that we’re not a bad person, though. The parts of me that cared about being a good person fragmented off and melted into them. Super optimistic. Cares about creating art and beautiful stories. She tends to ignore the parts of us that don’t fit her vision of what we are, but doesn’t actively suppress them the way host does.

🧤Northie. They/them. The wounded child. A syskid, so they probably won’t be here often. Be gentle with them or you’ll have me, Starbound, and Coghlan to contend with. They believe that feeling our negative emotions is a necessity to processing them. A kind of “the only way out is through” way of thinking, which contrasts strongly with host’s method of suppressing everything to the point where a weird black ocean slaughters half the system “on accident.”

🐭Phoebe. It/she/they. It only cares about survival, and is our base instinct of “get out now.” Not very interested in relationships or talking to people, so it probably won’t talk to anybody, unless it feels necessary to warn you of some impending peril that you need to run from immediately. Absolutely coward that will choose running and hiding above any kind of risk, or in her words “surviving.” Although in its defense, it keeps us alive. Even if they’re boring about being safe always.

🎆Starbound. “She/her” for simplicity, any pronouns with no personal preference. Pure and unbridled rage. Her favorite word is “bitch” and she’ll refer to everyone, including herself, as a bitch. She’s more of a righteous fury than a hateful fury. Very interested in fighting injustices. She cares about people more than she lets on, but has a temper worse than an active volcano.

🍠Kakxyl. “He/him” for simplicity, any pronouns with no personal preference. The system’s internal father figure. Goes out for milk a lot but always comes back. He usually knows everything that’s going on with the system and tells us revelations about inner mechanisms. But he also is cryptic and quiet. Probably won’t talk to anyone. I only listed him here for the sake of having a complete list of the alters that survived the flood. More of us will be coming out of the ocean, that’s what Kakxyl told us, but for now it’s just us and host.