#omFBgeezus—how does anyone have a personal-let alone intimate relationship with them??

[chicagosavant]

Dealing with a person who has some major unacknowledged personality disorder traits—of the narcissistic/border-line sort…

The absolute one-sided, self-centered perspective of reality—I see it in my patients so often, and I’ve glimpsed episodes in this particular friend over the years. But never to this extent, and so flipping disconnected from reality, where they accept absolutely no responsibility in their actions. And when the people who’ve tried to help them out mention their own particular commitments, or boundaries, regarding the situation that’s persisted longer than it was ever meant, bc of a lack of clarity in communication—that, I’ll admit both to parties sharing some responsibility (although, the BPP person certainly won’t…)—and the reactive hostile vindictiveness…omg. They’ve said their part, and we’ve said ours. Trying to reframe their actions in terms of the lack of clarity, and completely inaccurate portrayal of topics discussed is like trying to truth-sandwich an anti-Vaxer. It’s pointless, bc their version of realty is so self-absorbed, and detracts from any constructive trouble-shooting. Their poor dogs, who are the subject of this vague-post, where we’re (my partner and I) are trying to get our friend to get her damn (but actually very sweet, fairly low maintenance, but have literally been staying with us for 6 fucking months already) dogs, while our friend/ex-friend decided amid a mid-life crisis, they would up and drive 1/2 way cross-country to buffoo-NewMexico, thinking this was The Great Life ReSet—then, decided, literally after trying it for 6 wks in NewMexico-Life wasn’t happening quite as planned, and upped-n-hauled back to New-Fucking-England. En route, mentioning they needed a place to leave their dogs till they could get set up in a new apt.

Bad foresight on my part, not specifying a time-frame we were willing to watch them for (in the Midwest, btw—no where near NewEngland….). 6 months was not a part of this dialogue, till after they tell us they signed a lease on an apt, but the catch: “Oh surprise! They won’t let me have my dogs. So, as a favor to you guys, I told them I could only sign a 6 month lease bc I just couldn’t be away from my little shmoopies that long, for a full 12 months. So, it looks like you’ll be watching them into the spring (wtf??? That hadn’t been mentioned…)”. Btw, this friend is a working professional in healthcare, at a pretty cush teaching-hospital in NewEngland—not homeless/jobless/salaryless/or skilless—they can afford the $450-900 pops for their ketamine infusions, every 1-2x/month, but lament how hard-up they are financially, unable to afford a place that’ll let them have dogs. We’ve attempted to politely inquire as to any updates on her living situation a few times, in the last few weeks, especially as this 6 month lease is up in early April, and supposedly, her current landlords were considering letting her have her dogs, so she could finish out the coming 6 months on her lease. Or, bc—well, you know—finding a place, and moving and all that…also, well, we’re going out of country in early April, and we don’t want to be responsible for her dogs needing a boarder. And they’re not our dogs. She’s covered the cost of kibble (2 long-haired doxies, not that expensive anyway, but appreciated from our end), but we’ve done all the other doggy things you do when you’re not a turd, and you’re caring for fur-babies. However, We already postposed/wrote-off a few fall trips that had been in the works/planned bc of her sudden crisis-mode, and the changing goal-post of duration for which we were meant to be watching her dogs originally. So, bc we heard nothing in the last 2 months, in terms of time-frame, touching base on dates of when she’d be able to out to get her “shmoopies”, (for the record, we’d even floated the possibility of driving them out to her once she had a better idea what her plans were…), we sent an email mentioning upcoming dates that we were finally planning on going abroad to visit a friend (in 2 months, btw—about the time our friend was/is supposed to be out to get her dogs), and we were trying to figure out what game-plan was. She tells us she’s already put in for vacation, and only had a certain select number of days/dates, end of March into April, that she could be out, bc it was already approved by her employer, and there was nothing she could do to alter that, and if the dates didn’t work with our plans, well that was on us bc this is what we’d talked about in a conversation 2 months ago.

um, yeah, I don’t need to say here—this was not how that particular topic was mentioned 2 months ago. We’d batted around a general time-frame, with the understanding we’d be revisiting the dates more specifically around now, before anything was set in stone. We had no idea she’d already made plans—didn’t even know she was planning on staying with us, or she was intending to visit at that time. And proceeds to blame this whole situation on us…

Anyway—I have every sympathy for the shit-pie she keeps referring to in every-other paragraph, regarding her life-choice consequences in the last 5 years, and I hope she finds a place in her life, at some point, where she feels more in control of her circumstances. We’ve tried to help her, to the extent we were able, in the way she’d seemed to ask, but the rule of thumb with Narcissistic/BPersonalities is—the moment you mention you’re own commitments, or boundaries, they’ll come back at you, blaming you for failing every expectation of what they expect from a friend…

enough said—personal rant done…