#we would be discussing how low your self-esteem has to be to accept such treatment!

[mxtxfanatic]

Luo Binghe really was entirely too forgiving about the whole abyss thing. Y’all talk about how the peak lords must have felt going through hell and high water for Shen Qingqiu, just for the man to still end up with Luo Binghe? Imagine if Luo Binghe had friends and they knew exactly what Shen Qingqiu had done to Luo Binghe over all those years 😬

[appleflavoredkitkats]

Analysis of the “Fundy’s Mind” Stream: A Showcase of Repressed Memories and Repressed Insecurities

i. INTRODUCTION

Hi! This is going to be… something. Funny how I focus on this rather than my research homework, but I have a MASSIVE Fundy brain rot right now and I’d love to share my thoughts on Fundy’s newest stream. Fair warning, I am not the Messiah, so don’t take everything as fact. I’m open to constructive and objective discussions in replies or in DM’s, so feel free to hmu!

All of this is /dsmp and /rp by the way!

Heavy trigger warnings for derealization, parental neglect, neglect in general, self-deprecation, self-neglect, low self-esteem, death, manipulation, abandonment, loneliness, trust issues, torture mention, blood mention, and broken friendships.

Word Count: Approximately 10k.

ii. PRE-LIVESTREAM ASPECTS

Before we begin deep diving into the mind of Fundy, I do want to emphasize two major themes of this stream: 1.) Fundy’s insecurities, especially when it comes to abandonment and trust, and 2.) Fundy’s future predicting abilities. A ton (but not all) of statements uttered by the books and Fundy himself tend to have double meanings that apply to both of these themes. 

We can further discuss the future predicting powers later, but to give a little background on Fundy’s insecurities: Fundy is notorious for heavily depending his self-worth on the recognition other people give him. Despite his immaturity, a lot of Fundy’s character is rooted in being heavily underestimated. This could be observed during the Pet Wars when his safety was constantly being threatened by Sapnap, inevitably making him lose a duel against him. Another way we can see this is through Wilbur’s early treatment of Fundy where he constantly infantilized him because Wilbur believed Fundy was a child incapable of being independent. This caused Fundy to appeal a lot to any type of compliment from any person- it began with Quackity ensuring him that he will gift him a lot of cookies if he votes SWAG2020, then to Schlatt complimenting him to the point that Fundy almost gave up on spying and siding with Pogtopia, then to the Butcher Army where he unhesitantly followed Tubbo and Quackity’s lead no matter how many times they made fun of him. While he revels in any type of recognition given, oftentimes, those who seem to care for Fundy tend to leave after he grows attached to them; first with Wilbur, then Niki, then Schlatt, then Eret and Phil, then Tubbo, Ranboo, and Quackity. In the Dream SMP, Fundy is very lonely and has dealt with abandonment issues left and right, but typically, he never does anything with his loneliness, as the last time he lashed out against someone who left him, nothing positive really came out of it (this is when he got mad at Ghostbur). 

(Everything else is under the cut! I worked so hard on this, so please read it if you can, it’d mean a lot!)

So, with all that laid out, I want you to keep this all in mind as it is important for understanding why Fundy feels the way he does in the stream.

Now, let’s begin the analysis. First off, I believe it is important to denote the title and the tags of the stream. The stream is titled “Fundy’s Mind”, so we have to denote that this isn’t merely a dream sequence- the stream is meant to explore the complexity of Fundy’s mind. This includes his thoughts, insecurities, repressed memories, and so on and so forth. Additionally, the stream is tagged “Permadeath”, something different from what Fundy typically tags his streams. There is no clear explanation as to what this could mean, but the possibilities are:

It is hinting that the death system in the Dream SMP could be rigged, and someone is messing with the semantics of death and how it works.

It is hinting that someone will face a permanent death, and most fingers are pointed at Fundy as this is his stream. If not a permanent death, he might at least lose one of his canon lives which was hinted later on in the stream (will discuss later).

It is hinting that he was killed by the end of the dream. Not really a solid theory as we don’t actually know the repercussions of killing someone who is actively dreaming, but it is a possibility.

iii. PROLOGUE

A thing to question at the beginning of the stream is if the entire introduction was part of the dream or not. Seeing how Fundy has the same inventory from this to the next scene, it is plausible, but I don’t think it provides anything if it were a dream. 

Anyway, other things to denote are Fundy’s hotbar! First noticeable thing would be the 38 baked potatoes. The website angelnumber.org explains that 38 means:

“The combination of these two numbers makes the number 38 a number which signifies joy and optimism, courage, finding creative ways to materialize abundance, reality, etc.

The essence of the number 38 in numerology are different kind of relationships, such as romantic ones, business partnerships, teamwork, cooperation, diplomacy, etc.

Number 38 people have a talent for dealing with people in a caring and creative way. They are born team-workers. They need interaction with other people to fully enjoy their lives. They are usually optimistic and have a gift of inspiring others to action.”

So far, the number 38 is viewed to be positive. It signifies financial success and cooperativeness, which is interesting if Fundy’s future arc potentially ties to working with Quackity. To further add onto symbolisms regarding success, dreamastromeanings.com says the following:

“If you dreamed of baking or roasting potatoes, that dream is a good sign. It usually indicates your finances increasing over time.

Possibly you have made some investments and now you are beginning to reap the fruits of your efforts and risky activities.”

or,

“If you dreamed of holding a potato in your hand, that dream is a bit of a warning. You might soon receive some lucrative opportunity, possibly work related.

It is advisable to think fast and accept it because you might not get a second chance.

It could also indicate that you are a bit lazy when it comes to taking chances and missing opportunities because of that.”

Both explanations refer to business opportunities and possible investments. If we combine both the explanation for the number 38 and carrying potatoes, we can assume that Fundy will be receiving a business opportunity that would be too good to miss. These explanations also imply that nothing too negative would occur, but instead, Fundy can achieve success through this business opportunity. The only arcs in the Dream SMP which I think could provide a business opportunity would either be 1.) a new warden at the prison, 2.) new member at Snowchester (low odds), but the most likely occurrence would be 3.) Quackity offers him a position at Las Nevadas. With the Quackity smiley face at the end of Fundy’s stream, we can safely believe that the job opportunity at Las Nevadas would be the most likely occurrence.

Another explanation for this is that because the 38 potatoes were brought from the seemingly real world, it could possibly pertain to something that had already happened in the past. This could possibly allude to L’Manberg, especially when the explanations behind 38 potatoes are presented to be more positive, something the current Las Nevadas arc isn’t.

Second thing to notice about the hotbar: Fundy is currently at level 5, with his EXP bar 1/18 filled. To reach level 5, one has to gain 55 EXP, and to reach level 6, one would need to gain an extra 17 EXP. If the bar is merely 1/18 filled, 1/18 of 17 would be 0.94, which when rounded off, is 1. Add 1 to the extra 55, and we would approximately get 56 EXP. The website angelnumber.org says the following:

“The number 56 symbolizes teamwork, coexistence, family, relationships, adventure and expression of freedom.

Number 56 people have diverse interests, some of which they have an in-depth knowledge of and some just general understanding.

They try different approaches in relationships, trying to keep them alive. If everything they’ve tried fails, they simply walk to another relationship.”

This could mean a lot of things. The second sentence could imply that Fundy doesn’t fully comprehend the complexity of his mind. Some parts, he may understand, some, he does not at all. This could imply that there are also more secrets hiding in his mind that we couldn’t get to see. The third sentence is more interesting as Fundy’s entire character arc involves him and his broken relationships with other people. It’s a quite accurate description of Fundy, describing how he desperately tries anything to make a relationship work, and if it fails, he could easily befriend other people even if there is a possibility that that relationship would fail like the previous. 

If we ignore the number of EXP, we can merely focus on the number 5, which means the following:

“When angels are sending you number 5, they want to encourage you to have hope and to be ready to accept all the changes that are coming. Also, if number 5 has appeared just at the moment when you have been thinking about something important in your life, this number could be the answer or the solution for your problems. You should pay attention to number 5 and think of its secret meanings.

If number 5 keeps appearing by your side, it means that changes are already happening in your life. If they have not happened yet, don’t worry. They are on the way and you will feel them in the next couple of days or weeks.”

This can be connected to both the EXP number and the stream as a whole as Fundy begins to accept the gravity of his abandonment issues instead of suppressing his negative feelings towards it. Throughout the stream, Fundy is shown rejecting the idea that he is being neglected by others, but by the second half of the stream, he rejects it less and less. This could be the change the explanation is referring to as Fundy realizing his negative feelings towards his abandonment issues are valid and he needs to take them more seriously rather than brushing them aside. 

With number symbolisms finally aside, we can begin analyzing the actual sequences! Fundy is seen to be approaching his “Not A Secret” Base with a sigh, asking chat if they can go to sleep so that he can go to sleep too. Fundy immediately doubts the possibility of the others in the server following through his request until Ranboo responds with a simple “okay” while Niki responds with “yiss, am asleep”. Fundy quickly flashes the members list on the screen, showing us that only Niki and Ranboo are online on the server before he showcases his new bed, claiming that he likes it.

Two interesting notes about this: 1.) he decides to sleep, which is odd enough in the Dream SMP, and 2.) him having three new beds despite only using one of them. For the first point, I’d like to refer you to what Fundy said at around 26:08:

“I just gotta sleep and then, it’s gonna disappear! And then everyone is gonna appear out of a bush and they’re gonna be ‘Surprise!’, and I’m gonna be like, ‘You guys…! You’re always pranking me, you’ve always been there for me. Every single time… except sometimes… when I needed you the most.’ I just go to bed, I just go to bed, and none of this ever happened.”

While I understand that he is referring to the dream, I also believe that this statement would be one of those types I mentioned earlier that may have a double meaning. While “I just go to bed,” could refer to him wanting to sleep and wake up from this horrific dream, it could also refer to how he easily shuts down to his abandonment issues and goes to bed instead of handling it head first. Knowing this, him going to bed in the first scene could imply that he is in this type of  abandonment predicament, especially when we connect it to the second point. The color orange is meant to represent joy and warmth, and even without the symbolism, we all know orange is Fundy’s favorite color. He sees these three beds and says that he likes them, but I can’t help but feel like the other two beds are meant for two other people. I don’t think Niki and Ranboo being the only other two people on the server is coincidental; they have to relate to the two extra beds in some way.

Niki and Ranboo are two prime examples of close friends Fundy had before breaking off after a misunderstanding. Niki fought with Fundy after he had to burn the flag she made in order to gain Schlatt’s trust, while Fundy fought with Ranboo after Doomsday when they had conflicting beliefs about neutrality and sides. After both incidents, Fundy never really made his way to apologize, but Fundy has awkwardly met up with these two after a certain point. With Niki, he was forced to team with her at the beginning of the November 16th War, joking around with her and Eret, while for Ranboo, Fundy had to talk to him and Philza when they were joking around in the SMP. The meet ups definitely relieved some tension, but it never fully resolved the conflict Fundy had with both characters, so there was never a chance for him to rekindle the close bonds he had with both Ranboo and Niki in the past.

Fundy going to his favorite beds with two extra spots next to him could represent how he does cherish the friendships he shared with Niki and Ranboo, but never has the guts to actually bring back things the way that they were before. So, instead, Fundy sleeps, not wanting to think about them any further.

iv. FIRST DAY

When he wakes, Fundy checks his inventory before exiting his base, saying “Uhm, I don’t actually-” until he cuts himself off once he spots the desert. I don’t actually know what Fundy was supposed to say here, but because he checked his inventory beforehand, I believe he was trying to say “I don’t actually know where my things are,” but I could be wrong. To be fair, this isn’t too important, so we don’t have to focus on that. What we can focus on is the misplaced desert that was obviously not there before Fundy slept. We can easily infer what deserts could symbolize in dreams, especially when it comes to loneliness and the feeling of being deserted, but for better insight, consider what dreamstop.com claims about deserts:

“A dream of a desert is about something that is devoid of any feelings or care for you. It is all about them and nothing about you. Does someone show you a lack of respect? Is there someone or something in your life you dislike and adds no meaning to your life? Do you feel invisible? That no-one cares about you? Deserts represent an empty, barren place you may be trying to fill.

Desert dreams may appear when a relationship or friendship breaks down, or when you feel totally alone. You may have moved recently and have not yet made friends. You may feel homesick for all you left behind.

Being lost in a desert refers to your feelings that a situation is hopeless. You may have a problem you feel no-one cares about, even though you tried to reach out. You may feel there was no support and are feeling hurt and alone.”

You don’t need much analyzing to connect these meanings to what Fundy is experiencing. The setting of a “desert” merely pads the idea of Fundy being incredibly lonely to the point of him believing that he has nothing left to lose. Back in Doomsday, he was an optimistic nihilist, claiming that he doesn’t care much about what occurs from this point onwards as long as he can have a little bit of fun. On the stream where he created the Cube, he claimed that most people hated him anyway, so the least he could do was to make himself so hateable so other people could unite together in their hatred of Fundy even if it meant Fundy would have no companions left. Let it be known: Fundy is incredibly, incredibly lonely, and he is miserable in his loneliness, especially when his self-worth depends on how much people recognize him.

Another thing this desert could be eluding to would be Las Nevadas as it is set in the desert. I do think the desert’s main purpose is to showcase Fundy’s loneliness, but the connection to Las Nevadas is plausible.

Additionally, the dark skies Fundy sees doesn’t really need much of an explanation either. I couldn’t find a website exactly defining what it means to find a dark sky, but most of them speak of it as a negative thing, often symbolizing something terrible to come. I don’t think I need to explain that part, so we’re moving on.

Fundy is, understandably, very confused about this entire predicament. He quickly moves around his base to figure out what is going on, even messaging in chat to see if anyone would respond. Climbing up the ladders, he stands atop his base, spotting the silhouette of the Camarvan from afar. He continues to be confused, claiming he has no idea why he’s here in the first place. He claims he is “freaking out”, continuing to ask questions about where he is, and why the sky turns dark. He denotes that he isn’t at least completely alone as bunnies swarm around the desert. He begins to follow this sandstone path, every few blocks or so passing a fence with a torch stood atop it.

Here, we can infer that Fundy seems to have never seen this place before, or has no recollection of it entirely. Fundy doesn’t seem to be immensely freaked out just yet, especially since he hasn’t asked any questions about how no one is there, mostly focusing on his location and asking what the place is about.

Fundy then asks why the van is here, then zooms in on the nametags he sees at the back of the van. It is notable that something nametagged “Fundy” is shorter than another thing that is nametagged “WilburSoot”. Fundy tries to reach out for them but is unable to enter the van.

We can easily infer that this scene was meant to represent Fundy’s childhood in L’Manberg when he was being taken care of by Wilbur. Despite the lack of silhouettes, we can easily determine that Fundy is young in this scene because of how his nametag is in a much lower position next to Wilbur's, implying that whoever owns that nametag is much shorter. We can denote that by the beginning of the L’Manbergian Revolutionary War, Fundy was, in fact, a child. 

Another question some of you might ask: why is the Camarvan here in the first place? While I believe it could be representative of the part of Fundy’s mind that tackles past memories, I do think it also serves another purpose which I will explain later.

Moving on to the next scenes, Fundy continues following the sandstone path while typing in chat, asking if anyone was actually there. He gets confused by the path for a moment, wanting to go to the ominous building, before realizing that the path does connect to the building, it just swerves a little to the left.

It is notable that when Fundy cried out for help, he doesn’t call for a name in specific-  he calls out for ANYONE. The fact that he is calling out for “anyone” could denote that he doesn’t have any close friends or family members he would want to specifically call out for. 

Continuing on, Fundy follows the path to the building, still very immensely confused about where he is. Opening the door, he sees that the inside descends into an underground room with its flooring made out of chiseled quartz blocks. Fundy gets scared at first, immediately closing the door, looking back in, and going back out once more.

Fundy denotes that there is absolutely nothing out here as he walks around the building. He then gains the courage to descend the staircase, wondering what it is, and at the bottom, there are a lot of misplaced sandstone blocks with small lights illuminating at certain corners. The path leads to the left, showing 10 pieces of red carpet on the floor, and 8 pieces of yellow carpet on the table. He approaches the wooden table before looking to his right, spotting a skull on the floor next to a piece of redstone, which I believe is meant to resemble blood.

I don’t think we really need to research a skull to check what it might represent, but my theory so far as to what the skulls mean in each building would be that it’s meant to represent Fundy losing a canon life. I don’t know if this was intentional, but the corner room where the skull is somewhat reminds me of the Final Control Room with the redstone in the middle representing the button. That is, after all, where Fundy lost his first canon life. 

One of the theories I subscribe to is that the skulls in these buildings are meant to foreshadow Fundy’s death before he ever reaches it. Earlier in the day, we saw Fundy pass by the Camarvan with a younger Fundy which could possibly imply that they haven’t gotten to Eret’s betrayal yet, but the skull creeping up at the corner could represent that it is, in fact, coming. How this ties in to the entire future predicting thing, I will explain later, but for now, keep an eye out on the skulls.

Terrified of the skull, Fundy opens the chest and hesitantly picks up the book and quill inside of it. He opens it and is introduced to another Fundy writing to himself. Other Fundy claims that they’re not exactly the same person, but this Fundy is a part of the real Fundy. Other Fundy claims that Fundy cannot trust this place as it is not real, then begins saying that Fundy himself is not real repeatedly. Fundy’s heart rate suddenly increases when he sees the words “wake up” appear slowly in the book, and after page 34 is shown, Fundy wakes up to a new day in the dream world. 

First thing to denote is that the book has 87 pages, and 87, according to affinitynumerology.com means as follows:

“The numerology number 87 is a number of family, organization, and prosperity.

It's also a number of harmony and idealism, the ideal generally related to a harmonious and prosperous family relationship.

87 has parental instincts. It assumes responsibility for the welfare of others it considers to be family.”

The explanation implies that Fundy longs for family and cares deeply for those who he considers as his family. As much as he hated Wilbur after he died, Fundy still continuously expressed how much he needed Wilbur to be there. He is absolutely attached to anyone who poses as a possible family member, especially to those who he views as parents or guardians. Even outside of Wilbur, he is still practically attached to Phil, even if Phil refuses to consider Fundy as family. Fundy also got immensely angered by Eret when she didn’t show up to sign his adoption papers. I’d even say his attachment to family would even reach people like Sally and Schlatt. Fundy has a tendency of casually talking about Sally, and whenever a character talks about eating salmon, Fundy becomes deeply offended. For Schlatt, Fundy kept Schlatt’s netherite sword after he died, considering it to be an “heirloom”, something that only gets passed down onto different generations of the same family. Fundy is incredibly attached to the sword, and whenever he loses it, he’s absolutely desperate to get it back. As much as Fundy gets abandoned, he still deeply appreciates a lot of his family.

87 is also very reminiscent of one of the books in the Inbetween. A lot of the phrasing in the books are actually quite similar to the Inbetween, but we aren’t sure if Fundy and the Inbetween are directly affecting each other or if these places merely work in similar ways. The main similarity between Fundy and the Inbetween is that it involves something related to time travelling, so the similarities could be pointing towards that rather than imply that Fundy is directly affecting the Inbetween all together.

Secondly, the book stops at Page 34. The website angelnumbers.org express the following:

"Most likely you are leaving your projects unfinished because of fear for their destiny after you finish them.

Will they be rejected or accepted by others?

Because you would rather not find out that and possibly have your ego hurt, you consciously or subconsciously sabotage your work and leave things unfinished.

When this number starts appearing in your life frequently, it is a reminder to acknowledge you have a problem and start dealing with it.”

This is very reminiscent of the paragraph I made earlier discussing Fundy’s relationship with Ranboo and Niki- and this could honestly apply to any other relationships Fundy has as well. Besides Fundy’s relationships, this explanation could apply to Fundy’s hesitance of finding out the truth of his mind. Earlier on in the streams, Fundy is immensely confused about the dream, not wanting to discover its truths at all. This eventually changes on the third day, but we’ll discuss that in a bit.

Another thing I’d like to discuss would be the identity of the book authors and why they wrote the books the way they did. I’ll explain about this more in-depth later, but I do believe that another Fundy is, indeed, writing these books. As this was set in Fundy’s mind, it’s quite impossible for anyone who isn’t Fundy to be meddling with the books. What we can denote, though, is the reason as to why these books were created in the first place. The book itself seems to be harmless at first, quite inviting towards Fundy in the first few pages, but once it had to introduce what this world is, it seemed to hesitate. There were a couple of disjointed pages, as well as blank pages, before it began claiming the world wasn’t real, and that Fundy wasn’t real. It turned a complete 180, which seemed to be very odd to me. In past events of the Dream SMP, derealizing statements like this tend to be tricks of the mind, but these statements seem to be intentionally put there by those who wrote the book, especially since later on, we see another book completely give up on saying these triggering statements, saying that “It’s not going to work.” (32:05). 

What this implies is that whoever placed these statements are attempting to scare Fundy in some way, possibly heightening his insecurities and terror so that he can be truly terrified of the place. The constant statements of “you are not real” may not only refer to the Other Fundy trying to make Fundy spiral downwards in derealization, but it might actually represent how neglected Fundy feels to the point of feeling invisible, to the point of feeling that he “isn’t real”. But why is this Other Fundy trying to scare Fundy, and who, specifically, is the person behind the writings, you might ask? This question will be answered later on when we go more in-depth with the other books, as the bigger picture is very much needed instead of explaining it all by the first book.

v. SECOND DAY

Fundy wakes up in his base once more, evidently confused. We don’t really know why he wakes up in his base, and why the world changes every time he wakes up, but let’s just say this is all part of his dream to make sense out of it. This time, he sounds more broken, and definitely more unhinged. He calls out for any other member in the chat, telling them that whatever they’re doing is not funny. This is the first we see of Fundy believing that the others may actually just have been pulling a prank on him. He opens his chests frantically before venturing outside once more. He claims that he doesn’t believe the book, saying that this dream sequence feels pretty real to him. 

This time, Fundy puts a bigger emphasis on asking why he is alone, and why nobody seems to be here with him. Fundy seems to be more shaken up by the idea that he’s alone over the idea that he does not know anything about where he is at all. He approaches the van, and when he zooms in, he sees that Wilbur’s nametag disappeared. 

Transcript of this following scene:

“I knew you were there. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no- you can’t fool me! No, I knew you were there Wil. You were there, right there! Where did you go? Are you being- he’s being funny. This is funny! This is great. Aw, this is amazing- it’s just a prank! It’s April Fools soon- that’s why! Oh, I’m just being pranked… right?”

Now, this was… sad. This is one of the other statements that could have a double meaning. Fundy insisting that Wilbur is supposed to be there could not only be him comparing this day to the previous, but it could also imply his true feelings towards Wilbur, especially since he’s disappeared for a good portion of Fundy’s life. Fundy believes Wilbur is supposed to be there for him, but the reality is that he wasn’t. Instead of facing reality, Fundy concludes that all of this was a harmless joke instead of believing that Wilbur might have possibly left him.

Fundy attempts to enter the van once more, but his attempt doesn’t work. He then follows the path on the side directing to the ominous building only for him to realize that it has gotten closer.

The building getting closer to the main base actually has a lot of symbolism behind it. The building itself stores a lot of secrets, especially when it comes to the truths about this world and the different insecurities Fundy has repressed. Those writing the books have laid out all these secrets in every single book found in this building. The fact that it’s underground is meant to represent that these secrets are meant to be hidden in the depths of Fundy’s mind, but the fact that the building is getting closer to the main base makes it feel like 1.) the stored secrets about this world that Fundy may have forgotten about might finally seep into his consciousness, making him aware of them next time he wakes up, and 2.) the insecurities Fundy repressed deep down are seeping out more and more as it reaches the main core. Once it’s there, Fundy won’t be able to reject the truth about his abandonment issues any longer.

Fundy nears the building, still quite nervous. He opens the door, and the layout of the inside seems to be slightly similar to the previous day, but there are small details here and there that are different. Instead of 10 red carpets, there are 6, and instead of 8 yellow carpets, there are 6. Additionally, the skull seems to be closer, this time directly next to the table.

While the carpets were quite subtle, I do think it symbolizes a certain decrease of something. Red symbolizes the color for passion and love, while yellow is meant to represent happiness and positivity. Earlier, we saw that Wilbur disappeared from the Carmarvan, so the decrease of rugs for each color could represent Fundy’s love and happiness decreasing.

For the skull itself, I don’t know if I’m right, but this is what I infer from it: On the first day, we saw that Wilbur was still standing next to Fundy in the Camarvan as the first skull underground was still very far away. On the second day, when Wilbur was gone, the skull got closer, standing next to the table instead of it being far away. I theorize that if the skull is closer, then a canon death has already occurred in the time period the day wants to present. The first day presents a time where Wilbur was still taking care of Fundy, so Eret’s betrayal may not have happened yet, hence why the skull merely stayed hidden at the corner. On the second day, Wilbur has actively left Fundy, similar to the period after L’Manberg’s independence when Fundy had to partake in the Pet Wars alone. During that era, the betrayal has already happened, which is why I believe the skull is much closer this time. 

Continuing on, Fundy opens the book and begins reading. From this point onwards, I do want to go more in depth with each of the books, so I’ll put transcripts here and there with my thoughts added onto it after each transcript.

“Hi me!

Welcome back!

Yeahh, second time here? or third?

not entirely sure”

So, this is confirmation that this might not be the first time Fundy’s having dreams like this. A good question to ask is if the book was written a long time ago and has presented itself the same way it does right now, or if this book was written recently. I don’t think the stream gave a definitive answer, but it is something to keep in mind.

“Listen to me Fundy

and you should trust me because,

well you know why

There are two things you can do right now

Walk back to your base, jump in bed, fall asleep, and you will wake up as if nothing ever happened

Or you can keep reading…

And I will tell you what I know”

The book pauses for a bit then continues saying “You are not real” ten times, “You dont want to know the truth” fifteen times, and spams “WAKE UP” until the 38th page, a number we analyzed earlier because of the 38 baked potatoes. 

For the book itself, whoever is writing the book seems to be a bit hesitant when writing. It doesn’t seem to want to explain what this place truly is to Fundy, and as much as it clarifies that they are, indeed, Fundy, they never expound on how they were able to write these books and why Fundy should trust him. Other Fundy saying “you should trust me because, well you know why” is actually quite ominous, and I can only think of two reasons as to why they would say it: 1.) Other Fundy is implying that Fundy can trust him because he is, in fact, the same person, or 2.) Other Fundy is hinting that Fundy trusts too easily as seen with the people Fundy trusted in the real world.

Additionally, the Other Fundy seems to emphasize on the fact that they WANT Fundy to go to sleep and wake up in the overworld. They phrase it so that sleeping once more is the more logical option, while they basically scare Fundy with the other option, evident by his quickened heartbeat. The Other Fundy seems to know about the intricacies of this dream and its world, but seems to be very hesitant to tell Fundy about it. The continuous threats imply that the Other Fundy doesn’t want Fundy to know the truth at all.

Basically, this Other Fundy knows something, something our Fundy doesn’t know about, and wants to emphasize that it is something horrific. He will do whatever he can do so that he can stop Fundy from knowing the truth, even if it means he has to scare Fundy.

Additionally, to me, it feels like “WAKE UP” could possibly have two meanings. If the underground structure is meant to represent things that Fundy constantly represses to the back of his mind, not only would the secrets of his dream reside there, but his own repressed insecurities may reside there as well. The way Fundy treats the truth about his dreams is actually quite similar with the way he treats his insecurities- he tends to reject its existence and pretend that everything is normal. This dream isn’t just a dream, it’s an exploration of Fundy’s mind, and telling Fundy to “WAKE UP” doesn’t just refer to not knowing the truths about the dream, but it could also refer to Fundy not knowing the truths about his own insecurities hidden deep in the depths of his mind. 

vi. THIRD DAY

Fundy wakes up, breathing heavily. He paces around his room before opening the door frantically, seeing that he is still stuck in a desert. He begins to laugh, repetitively telling himself that all of this is a “joke”. He continues questioning why he’s still in this dream, and when he opens the door, he sees the ominous structure observably closer to the base. He claims that he’s actually stressing out, and Fundy goes on a tangent about this dream and reveals a bit about his insecurities:

“They’re toying with me, they’re toying with me. They’re actually- everyone is toying with me- they are ALWAYS TOYING WITH ME. Everyone is! I’m always being played with. Why? Why always me- no! Why does it always have to be me? Every single time. I don’t wanna- (sigh). I don’t wanna keep dealing with this- I just wanna- no- do I just… Do I just… Do I just go up here and listen to- wai- okay. The book said I have two options: I can wait here until it’s night time. Wait until the sun sets and I can go to sleep, and when I go to sleep and wake up, none of this is real. None of this is gonna- it’s gonna disappear. None of this is real, none of this is real, none… It’s not real, it’s not real, I am currently not real, this is no- how is this possible? How is this- wha- how did- how… None of this is real. I am not real. All I have to do is wait for midnight and just sleep, and all of this would end, right? All I have to do is… wait until night time and then… it’s all gonna be over, it’s all gonna be done. 

I just gotta sleep, and then, it’s gonna disappear. And then everyone is gonna appear out of a bush and they’re gonna be ‘Surprise!’ and I’m gonna be like, ‘You guys! You’re always pranking me… you’ve always been there for me (sniffs). Every single time… except sometimes… when I needed you the most. I just go to bed… I just go to bed, and then I wake up, and none of this ever happened. And we’re gonna go back to my old life where I have fun and join parties and join groups and only see them disappear in front of my eyes as I start to get attached to them. Y-yeah, that’s- that’s- that’s the choice I’m making. Go back to that... (sigh). Just… or you know…”

LOTS to unpack here, and I’ll go one by one explaining certain aspects of this because it’s not just something that showcases Fundy’s insecurities.

Firstly, interesting how Fundy believed that the book was toying with him like how a lot of other people do. That’s what makes him afraid of the book- the feeling of being pushed around. The book is actively trying to use Fundy’s insecurities against him in order to make him more and more afraid of the truth. This is interesting because Fundy is known to be ignorant towards his actual issues (just look at his monologue), but the Other Fundy seems to be acutely aware of them. I will explain why he is aware of them later on.

Secondly, this is the most observable point, Fundy seems to be aware that he is quite frankly, alone, but tends to ignore it. He copes with his abandonment issues by treating his abandonment like a joke. He believes that every single person who’s left him did it as a prank. Even if he laughs at this idea, he is also evidently hurt by it. It hits even harder when you realize that Fundy is quite the dependent character, often sucking up to any person who gives him recognition. If Fundy depends on others to dictate his self-worth, how do you think he thinks of himself right now when he literally has nobody?

Putting emphasis on Fundy’s loneliness is going to be interesting because I do think some characters in future arcs are going to exploit that. If Quackity is going to use and manipulate Fundy the same way Sam does, then there would be no doubt that he will use Fundy’s loneliness against him. Even if it’s not Quackity who approaches Fundy first- even Bad, Sam, Dream, anyone, really, could use Fundy’s loneliness against him, which will make for an interesting plot point.

Lastly, not a lot of people spotted this, but this monologue also gives us insight as to why Fundy continued looking for the truth about his dreams instead of staying in his base and waiting for night. When talking about what to look forward to once he wakes up, he talks about how much “fun” he is going to have. Slowly, you see his denial start to dwindle as he finally admits that people leave him just as he gets attached to them. As much as Fundy wanted to wake up from this horrific dream, he realizes that, once he wakes up, he has nothing to look forward to either. That’s why he hesitates when he says “Yeah, that’s the choice I’m making,” because he realizes waking up isn’t as ideal as it seems. This is why Fundy immediately goes outside afterwards with no hesitation- Fundy has nothing left to lose, hence why he chooses to venture forth. Fundy is driven to do things because he feels like his life is purposeless anyway.

Fundy then begins to head outside quietly, zooming into the ominous building while walking right towards it. He then detours for a moment, walking towards the right of the building, and approaches a giant crater filled with obsidian and blackstone.

The explosion could symbolize two things:

Any of the L’Manberg explosions. With the obsidian and blackstone combination, my guess is that this is either the first Doomsday event (L’Manbergian War of Independence) because of L’Manberg’s walls, or the November 16th War because of Schlatt’s Podium. Why the big amount of blackstone and obsidian? Well, I’m not so sure when it comes to L’Manberg as its walls didn’t have obsidian, but for the November 16th war, I do think that the abundance of blackstone and obsidian is meant to represent how Fundy is reducing the November 16th war to Schlatt’s Podium. This can be alarming as he was the one who made Schlatt’s Podium, so reducing the war to that one building might symbolize that he blames himself for the war.

Another theory, which is the theory I subscribe to more, is that this is actually depicting an event in the future that we haven’t seen yet. Namely, the prison. If you zoom in on the explosion, the block pattern is quite reminiscent of the block pattern present in the prison.

While I’ll mostly discuss Fundy’s future predicting powers later, I do think that there’s a possibility that Fundy saw a vision of the future, unlike the past two days where he saw visions of the past. The prison might possibly be nuked in the future.

Fundy then proceeds to walk back towards the building, repetitively saying “no”. He claims he needs to find out, sounding more determined than before. For this, even if the explosion could represent many things, I do think Fundy is generally reminded of the explosions he had to witness throughout the history of the Dream SMP. Perhaps he believes that finding out the truth could prevent more explosions from occurring, perhaps he figured out that this was the prison and he needed to know why it exploded, perhaps him walking away from something that’s reminiscent of real life represents his choice of wanting to learn more about his dreams rather than sticking to anything similar to real life. 

Moving on, Fundy enters the building, saying he wants to know what’s going on. The underground room seems to have changed a bit, as the chiseled quartz floors changed into quartz bricks. The place also seems to be littered with end stone blocks and bricks. The place is much darker as well, and the carpets on the floor and table seem to be gone entirely. Two skulls can be observed near the table.

My brain actually can’t reason as to why the end blocks were there, or why the quartz blocks changed. My guess is that the end stones will eventually connect to a future plot point relating to the End, but again, I’m not sure. The carpets being gone could represent that the love and happiness (red and yellow) that Fundy had disappeared completely. The dishevelled state of the room could represent that the secrets being held inside this underground room are finally breaking free as its confines tear down more and more. 

Now the skulls- if we go by the theory I presented earlier, then the skulls are meant to represent canon deaths. If the skull was tucked into the corner, then that means death is to come, but if it’s near the table, then I believe the canon death already occurred. If two skulls are next to the table, then it could imply that whatever time period the day is set in should be around the time Fundy loses a second canon death, which hasn’t occurred yet. Again, this is all speculation, so I might be overthinking, but if the explosion is meant to represent the prison getting nuked, then there’s a possibility Fundy would lose a canon life before the prison gets destroyed.

Now, onto the juicy bit: the book. The book reads as follows:

“Hi. again.

...Why are we so persistent

...Why are we so stubborn

...You have been here before, but you keep coming back

...Why?

WHY???

You dont want to know the truth

It will hurt you

I dont want to be hurt again

YOU dont want to be hurt again

I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT

PLEASE JUST LEAVE

GO TO BED

FALL ASLEEP

ENJOY YOUR LIFE

ENJOY THE FUN THINGS

THE TRUTH ISNT WHAT YOU WANT

PLEASE

STOP THIS

STOP!!!”

The book tries scaring Fundy by spamming “WAKE UP” across multiple pages.

“It’s not going to work, huh..

Listen to me Fundy…

Your mind is not safe…

You are not imagining this…

This place might not be real…

But he is.

Spare yourself.

I need you to listen carefully.

Do not join him.

Whatever he asks of you.

Do NOT join him.

his plans aren’t as nice as they sound.

his intentions aren’t what you think they are.

he will use you

he will destroy you

everything you ever loved

everyone you ever cared about

do not join him.”

Before I explain this book, I think it’s best to also note down what was said in the next book as well so I can better explain what’s going on.

“note to self

hello

I just wrote this book to remember who I am

To remember what is happening

All the books I just found are indeed written by me

Listen to yourself

You suffer from a very odd illness

You suffer from a form of insomnia, within your own dreams.

Now the effects of this aren’t really known, and even I don’t fully know what is going on.

but let me tell you

somehow, this world, these actions and events, are linked to reality.

things that happen in these so-called “dreams”, tend to leak into the real world

they will actually happen.

you might wonder how exactly this is a bad thing.

the ability to predict certain events from happening, sounds pretty cool.”

Fundy then stops reading the book, seemingly overwhelmed by the influx of information. Analysis time, boys, time to unpack what this all means.

Firstly, I believe that this dream has happened before. Multiple times, actually. If certain “events” in the dream are meant to predict the future, then the moments involving the Camarvan on the first two days could imply that Fundy has seen this place before during the L’Manberg era where he could’ve predicted Eret’s betrayal and the loss of his father. If we think about it, the books could honestly be given to Fundy at any time period and it would work. Look at the entire section of the book describing someone who Fundy can’t trust- this “him” person could honestly be… anyone who abandoned Fundy? If the book hints at someone who might possibly hurt and use Fundy, then Eret, Wilbur, Schlatt, and Dream could also be considered. These people were nice to Fundy at first before betraying him one way or another. There is a possibility that this dream has warned Fundy about these people in the past, only for Fundy to forget about the dream. What about this time though, who is this “him” that’s going to betray Fundy during this time period? Well, the easy answer would be Quackity, but Bad could be a possibility as well. With the hint towards Quackity at the end, I do believe that Quackity would be the main suspect, but it’s also good to keep an open mind as we don’t know much of who Fundy’s involved with in Season 3.

Now, why would Fundy be able to forget about the dreams, though? I do think that whoever is responsible for writing the books are doing their best to prevent Fundy from uncovering the truth. Who do I think are the book authors? Well, I don’t think they were lying when they said that they were Fundy. I believe that, just like the Dream voice in Ranboo’s head, the Fundy that writes books would be some sort of conscience or subconscious in Fundy’s mind. This part of the mind holds certain memories repressed by Fundy, as well as some of the insecurities he chooses to ignore. They are aware of all of Fundy’s past visits of this dream, and they know the dangers of it, which is why they want Fundy to not uncover the truth. 

The signed book claims that whatever Fundy sees in the dream will seep out into reality. Knowing this, I believe Fundy’s subconscious is trying to prevent Fundy from seeking out the truth to prevent these future visions from happening in real life; this especially applies to events that involve Fundy possibly being hurt. There is a possibility that this Fundy has seen past Fundy’s discover events like the Camarvan and the loss of Wilbur occur in dreams way past before it occurred in real life, so they feel afraid that our Fundy would uncover more and more truths that would become reality. While we don’t know if Other Fundy’s beliefs on future predicting is true, this gives us a better understanding of why they want Fundy to go to bed and wake up. (Additionally, the Other Fundy has placed emphasis on saying that the truth may hurt Fundy, so there is a possibility that these future events might involve something that heightens Fundy’s insecurities more. That’s why this Fundy seems to be so aware of Fundy’s insecurities- they have witnessed Fundy’s insecurities being used against him in certain visions.)

For the memory thing, so far, I believe a part of Fundy’s mind is actively suppressing all the memories Fundy has of his dreams. Fundy already represses a lot of his insecurities, so using Fundy’s insecurities against him might actually enable them to keep Fundy’s memories about the dream locked in the corners of his mind. The place where the book is kept in is underground, after all, but we do have to keep in mind that the building is getting closer and closer to Fundy’s main base. This could symbolize that Fundy will remember his dreams more once he wakes up.

So basically, so far, Fundy has dreamt this dream multiple times in the past, and during each dream, he witnesses an event in the future that could possibly happen in real life. Fundy’s subconscious, or possibly past versions of Fundy, are trying to warn future Fundy’s to not uncover too many truths about the dream as they believe this could possibly manifest terrible events to happen in real life. To get Fundy to go back to bed, they try scaring Fundy, using his insecurities against him, only this time, Fundy is a bit more disobedient because, again, he feels like he has nothing left to lose. 

Another theory I have which I’m not 100% sure about is that this Other Fundy, as much as it has good intentions, may have committed a mistake when they tried to get Fundy to bed by using his insecurities. If anything in the dream may happen in real life, them heightening Fundy’s insecurities might pass over to the real world as well. While scaring Fundy could prevent him from uncovering the truth, it might’ve also been a double-edged sword as Fundy is more aware of his insecurities more than ever.

Continuing on, Fundy decided to leave the building, seeing that it’s night time. He sounds relieved knowing that he can sleep and that he can wake up from this dream. He celebrates for a moment, throwing the book away, but then he hesitates, saying he wants to know the truth. He picks the book up again but doesn’t read it immediately, claiming that he could just sleep instead of knowing the truth.

Fundy seems to revel in the idea of waking up for a bit until he mentions how much of a “blast” he can have with everyone once he wakes up. After mentioning this, he immediately picks up the book with no hesitation. This is the second time Fundy is shown to be motivated in finding the truth about his dreams because of him realizing how unfun the real world is. Again, Fundy is seen to be motivated by the fact that he has nothing left to lose, and as much as he is scared of this dream, he seems to prefer finding this world’s truth over going back into the real world where he’s practically alone.

Moving on, the book continues:

“however…

while this might be the case of dreams…

this is also the case for nightmares…

this is your last warning Fundy

please… for the both of us…

just wake up”

This part of the book simply affirms all I’ve theorized about earlier. The Other Fundy hints that some events that Fundy might witness in his dream would be detrimental to Fundy, which is why he doesn’t want Fundy to continue exploring. He knows that Fundy will possibly manifest an event that will ruin him in real life, so he wants Fundy to sleep instead of accidentally manifesting his demise.

vii. FOURTH DAY

Fundy then wakes up once more, complaining that this dream never ends. He goes outside, seeing a black, hooded figure slowly turn around and chase him. With a quickened heartbeat, he runs up his stairs to sleep in a black bed placed on the roof. Fundy screams as we see the hooded figure approach, and the screen fades to black. A white smiley face reminiscent of the one on Quackity’s skin appears on the screen as casino slots sound effects play in the background.

Now, what do I make of this? Well, firstly, we gotta point out that his bed at the end looked EERILY similar to a gravestone. A lot of websites claim that sleeping in a gravestone or seeing a gravestone could indicate change, especially when it comes to overcoming one’s sadness or problems. In a literal sense, we can think of it as something foreshadowing a future canon death, especially if we think that the person chasing Fundy is the grim reaper.

Speaking of that person, I do have a couple of explanations as to who this person is:

The person is death themselves, the grim reaper. This is the common conclusion everyone believes in, especially when we consider this “him” person possibly hurting Fundy, and that second skull in the underground room. Quackity is the main culprit for now, especially with that smiley face in the end, but there could be other possibilities! Like, what if someone takes Fundy’s canon life before he joins Quackity, which is why the smiley face only popped up after Fundy’s dream death? Mayhaps someone affiliated with Quackity might be doing the dirty work for him, so Bad, Sam, Dream, and anyone, really, could be responsible for Fundy’s future canon death. Moreover, the fact that this death occurs affirms the beliefs of the Other Fundy. The Other Fundy merely wants Fundy to be safe from possibly manifesting his demise in real life, but Fundy’s curiosity got the best of him, and in the next sequence, he was killed, proving that the Other Fundy was right in saying that Fundy should’ve just slept.

A theory I made up which I’m not 100% sure of is that this figure is actually Fundy’s subconscious trying to get him to sleep. When Fundy was being chased, we heard a quickened heartbeat, and where was the only other time we heard that? When Fundy was reading the “WAKE UP” and “you��re not real” messages from those books. We can view this as the Other Fundy’s attempt in trying to get Fundy to actually sleep by using another scare tactic against Fundy. And well… it did work! Because Fundy was afraid of this figure, Fundy went to sleep. There is also a possibility that this occurrence is what makes Fundy forget about the dream because his subconscious got a hold of Fundy and forcibly made him forget, but I’m not 100% sure about that one yet.

Lastly, the face! That should already allude to Fundy possibly joining Quackity’s lore, and with the “38 potatoes” symbolizing business opportunities, I expect Fundy to be joining Las Nevadas as a possible employee. Quackity does, in fact, prey on people who are insecure, and can easily get them to do whatever he wants because of his words. If he can get Sam to give him the tools needed to torture Dream, Quackity might exploit Fundy’s loneliness into making him do whatever Quackity wants from him. 

Another face that this could possibly connect to is the face in the Egg lair! While I’m leaning more towards Quackity because of the casino sounds, I do wanna say that the Egg and the Eggpire could possibly be connected as well, especially when the Egg could provide Fundy anything he wants. Just like how Quackity could prey on Fundy’s insecurities, the Egg preys on those who feel like they’re missing something, so as much as Fundy could be manipulated by Quackity, he could also be manipulated by the Egg. Additionally, business opportunities could apply to the Eggpire as well as they’ve contacted Purpled in the past to assassinate Puffy, so who’s to say they won’t try adding Fundy to the Eggpire?

TLDR; This entire stream showcased both Fundy’s insecurities and Fundy’s future predicting powers and how this “Other Fundy”, aka his subconscious, wants him to repress them because they believe that if Fundy uncovers the secrets of his dream more, then Fundy would accidentally manifest his demise in real life. Additionally, Fundy is very lonely, making him vulnerable of being used in the future because he is desperate to get any type of recognition from anybody. In summary, be afraid of Fundy’s future lore streams, be very afraid.

viii. ADDITIONAL NOTES

Even when I finish this, there’s a lot of questions to ask about this stream that I want you to keep in mind:

How many times has Fundy encountered this before?

How does Fundy forget all the information he got from the dreams?

How does Fundy write to himself?

Why is there so many details connected to Karl, and what does it have to do with time travelling?

Why does Fundy return to his bed every time his heartbeat quickens when reading a book?

Was the first scene part of the dream or not?

Could the underground room’s structure actually mean something?

And there’s probably more, but just saying, keep an open mind about this entire stream because there’s definitely a lot more to uncover.

I want to reiterate: I am not the Messiah, so don’t take my word as the truth and the absolute truth. I’d love to hear your thoughts about Fundy’s stream as a lot of it could be up for speculation! The entire thing is filled to the brim with symbolisms, so there could be a lot of interpretations to consider. If you enjoyed this, feel free to like and retweet because I worked my ASS off with this one. 

Special thanks to the following:

Fundy and any of the Dream SMP members because that stream was INCREDIBLE. Go give them your love and support.

kingjem for always being there whenever I want to discuss any ideas I have about the Dream SMP. One of the smartest bitches I know, go follow them.

To all my betas who reviewed this document since I have a TON of grammar mistakes (thanks English): prismartist, bootsforthebootsgod, Finni_june (twt), ender-hyperfocuses-on-things, and Dngertosociety2 (twt)

And to all of you who like this post and would share it to other people! All support is appreciated. :D

[sk-lumen]

Need serious advice about setting boundaries or communicating when dealing with a person who:

Is a parent

Has unhealthy communication methods -- it takes very little for them to start full-blown screaming, shouting out all your 'negative' things/mistakes/past, can continue to scream-criticise you even after you've gone silent, for WHOLE MINUTES even if you've shut up, will not accept anything that even hints at them making a mistake

You can't trust since childhood coz u made the mistake of confiding in them with a serious issue as a young teen --- mental related --- and they belittled and invalidated you, and since then pretended you never confided in them and have NO IDEA how you've been coping without them or ANYone else for years... Yeah thanks, parent, what u said back then made me think I was the one at fault and so I stopped trusting even friends coz yeah, when ur own parent doesn't give a damn, why would anyone else?

Is a master at silent treatments without explaining what EXACTLY they're punishing you for, then when theyre in the mood, will start talking to you as if they hadn't ignored you for days. Lol I'd rather be water boarded I think. Especially for all the damage this caused when I was a child

Won't openly talk about what they want, yet expects ALL FHE TIME others (in the family) to know what they want, then will complain/scream/angry for AGES about how no one cares, no one gives a damn... And when someone asks them what they want, they either say: nothing, or "you should know! Can't u see?"

Upon asking them to please talk normally, will blow a fuse, and lose it --- happened multiple times today

Literally will use me as a scape goat to unleash their frustrations upon. Even when I leave the room, I can hear them b*tch about how much of a failure I am etc. The trigger being anything that bothers them, from a phone call to something other siblings did, bla bla. I limit my time with them... But it's like, it feels impossible to have them treat me normally, without ridiculing or criticising me. I'm already a very low self esteem person... This doesn't help AT ALL

In short, refuse to tell/ask/discuss important stuff, and getting mad randomly that no one read their mind, bcoz everyone's 'old enough to have enough sense' to know what they 'should' do... Eg will not pikc up the phone when we call them from the store to ask when what the needed isn't available, so what other alternative can we get... And then when we get home, will instead blame us for being fussy and not getting the alternative, completelt skirting around the issue they didn't deign to pick up the phone... I mean, I don't get it. In the past I HAVE in fact asked them to just openly tell me what they want/expect from me to make them happy... Got passive aggressive answers like "don't you know? Are you dumb?" Bla bla

Passive aggressive to the max when they've lost it

Expect me to drop anything I'm doing and immediately cater to them, and expect me to help them in their hobbies (while simultaneously, as I learned many years ago to much heartache, not being interested or even pretending to be interested in my hobbies. The disinterest taught me very quickly how much what I wanted meant, leading to years of self-invalidation. Luckily I've learned it really is them, not me. My hobbies are valid)

Will not talk about why they're feeling angry, what causes it. Instead will blame me, who's like the golden scapegoat in our amazing family, by saying :YOU made me negative. They've said it many times now... It hurts a lot, when I'm also struggling with my own issues which I ofc can't confide in them about :)

Today I manned up -- the outburst of hatred happened again! Over a simple thing. It was NIGHTMARE and made me angry/sad/frustrated/triggered---, and so I told them to stop talking like that... Boy was that the wrong thing to say... I don't think I can accurately tell u what happened afterwards...

Usually children learn communication skills from the parents... I at least learned to recognize the unhealthy ones, and what NOT to communicate like lol. Like, other parent is even worse, believe it or not. But that's another complex situation

I'm not bashing on the parent. Lord knows I even have that much of a right huh? I hate myself eveb more when they invalidate me if I try to show how MUCH THEY HURT me after a 'communication session'. As in, heaven forbid me if I BE SILENT afterwards and DON'T wanna listen to their retardation. Nope. Even then they provoke me, rage at me, you know how sometimes enraged people hiss vitriol thru gritted teeth? Yeah, that's what they did today after I stayed silent and tried to ignore them an hour later after the 'session' when they wabted something. It's like they don't even need me to say a word and will carry on and on for minutes 🤢

I feel alone, helpless and at a loss what to do

I want to move out. Due to severe mental issues I can't even move out rn coz it scares me even more. But this has to stop. Things are only okay if I'm absolutely passive, say yes to whatever they want, kill my wants and needs, and become a perfect robot bred to cater to them (parent)

I hope you can help me out, dear

Hi darling,

It sounds like you’re in a considerably toxic environment. I'm sorry you're going through this. Know that this is not normal, nor is it how a parent/child relationship should be. In case there's any doubt, let me start by saying you deserve to be supported, respected, listened to, to have your needs met. You deserve to live in an environment that offers you all of these things.

With that being said, from the many scenarios you’ve mentioned you’ve already tried reasoning and setting boundaries, to no avail. There is only so much you can do on your own, if the other person in the equation is not meeting halfway or at all. After all, a healthy conversation involves two people, not just one.

Here's my advice, in this order:

Calmly and maturely asking the respective parent to have a serious discussion with you and to listen to what you have to say. Share how their actions and behaviour is making you feel, let them know you care, and make sure to mention several solutions for the issue as well. If this doesn’t work…

Bring up the subject of needing help from outside, such as the assistance of a specialist/therapist. Family counselling can shed a lot of light on toxic behaviours that are ingrained from childhood (both in their case and yours), on fears your parent may have, stress from their work, whatever is causing their outbursts and anger - because there is always a reason. Behind anger is sadness, and behind sadness is some need not being met, or an underlying fear, trauma, etc. This is not a justification for their behaviour, they are responsible for it; this is simply the fact of how energy dynamics work. People bottle up their frustrations, fears, etc, and let them out on those closest to them, to whom they feel superior. It’s not fair, and it’s not healthy, but it is frequently how this pattern works. If this solution doesn’t work either…

Then unfortunately, all you can do is focus on yourself. If they refuse to meet you anywhere along the road, you have to pack up your things and go your own way. Literally or metaphorically. They may be your parent and you may love them even in spite of their behaviour, but you cannot hold yourself responsible for anything they say or do; that is on them. In those cases, you have to prioritize your own mental health and wellbeing, and focus on moving out. If your (home) environment is toxic, you have to focus on first changing it. That’s vital. Only afterwards can you start healing, refinding yourself, reclaiming your self-esteem and confidence, your sense of worth. As long as you stay stuck in a toxic environment, you cannot really heal; if there is abuse of any kind (physical, mental, emotional), the causes are still there, leading to re-traumatizing.

If for whatever reason moving out is not (yet) an option, I would emphasize seeking some sort of counselling for yourself, if nothing else. You need an anchor, some sort of support that will help you along your path until you do get out.

Now, I don’t know how old you are. I am going to assume you are over 18 and of age, so only mind my advice if that is the case. (As disclaimer, I don't provide advice to minors as it's not the scope of my blog nor am I specialized/focused on that area.)

I understand moving out seems scary because it is unknown, but with that line of thought you may wait another 10 years in the same situation. Wouldn’t you wake up 10 years later already having done the hard work on moving out, finding your independence, claiming your sense of individuality and moving on from this sort of environment, this phase in your life?

Sooner is better than later, but do so with mindfulness and care over your mental health, of course. I know it’s scary. But being an adult requires some difficult decisions at times, and setting boundaries begins with choosing your wellbeing and doing what needs to be done, even if it is something uncomfortable short-term, but highly rewarding and beneficial long-term.

Hope this helps... and wishing you much luck, clarity, gentle guidance and comfort.✨

PS: Lately I've been receiving longer and longer letters in my inbox. As solution, I was thinking of having longer asks/letters redirected to my blog where there isn't any length limit, and readers can more comfortably browse both my tumblr and blog - and those requesting advice can share and receive a more in-depth response.

-Lumen

[northamptoncouplestherapy]

For most couples, the path to marriage is the same. You meet, you spend time getting to know each other, and you fall in love. You discover life could not exist without your partner, so you get married. After marriage, masks are removed. You discover the true nature of the person you walked down the aisle with: the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Perhaps you were aware of some of their faults during the courtship. Yet, you accepted them as they were. Maybe you even thought that they would change, or that you could change them.

Every couple enters marriage with the illusion of bliss. From the time a couple first says “I do” and checks into their honeymoon suite, the plans for their future are formed. Then, dreams are unfolded, and life happily-ever-after begins. But no couple ever considers that they could fall victim to a codependent marriage.

What is Codependency?

Every marriage will have struggles. From mortgages to who left the milk out, married life is not without conflict. Your marriage will be no different. What matters is how you handle that conflict.

Dr. John Gottman of the Gottman Institute states, “Conflict is inevitable.” He goes on to encourage couples saying, “It can be a way that couples get closer to each other if they can understand each other more fully. It is a mechanism for learning how to love each other better.” This is determined by how you handle conflict.

Dr. Gottman asks, Do you:

Turn toward? – Sit down and discuss it rationally?

Turn away? – Ignore it, bottle it up, or sweep it under the rug?

Turn against? – Explode and call out the fault displayed?

“Turn away” conflict can create a lopsided marriage. When one person commits an offense, the other smiles and takes it. They can internalize it and even feel guilty. When these individuals continue this cycle, they end up in a codependent marriage.

Within a codependent marriage, one partner has extreme emotional or physical needs, and the other partner is willing to do whatever it takes to meet those needs. The codependent is so in love, and they want that love reciprocated. Out of fear of rejection, they do what they feel is necessary to keep the love and attention of their partner. This can become disastrous when the other partner is involved in self-destructive behavior, including substance abuse.

How Does Codependency Affect a Marriage?

In many cases, codependency doesn’t suddenly begin with courtship or marriage. This trait is often learned through the growing up process. Since a child's adult behavior will be the byproduct of life experiences, he or she must grow up with positive influences. When a child is privy to relational negativity, they will continue these bad habits because they think it’s normal life. The same applies to codependency.

If a child sees one parent bowing to every need of the other, then that child will be more likely to view those behaviors as necessary to keep a romantic relationship alive. This pattern can be manifested in a few distinct ways: low self-esteem, the loss of boundaries between right and wrong, and an unhealthy obsession with the relationship.

Low Self-Esteem – When someone feels they are unworthy, any affection they receive is like water on dry soil; it immediately soaks in. Doing whatever they need to keep the water flowing, even if the process hurts.  Living off the other’s opinions, allowing them to define their self-worth. But soothing words only last so long. The soil will dry up, and negative feelings will resurface until the next affirmation comes along.

Loss of Boundaries – The desire to please others removes boundaries regarding what is acceptable behavior. The codependent often defends their partner’s behavior, allowing them to say and do things that not only harms themselves but harms the relationships around them. They avoid saying ‘no’ to their spouse at all cost, fearing it would make them unhappy.

Honesty is another factor that affects the codependent. When they are afraid of offending their partner, they tend to lie and deny that there is a problem, just to keep the peace.

Obsessiveness – The need to always keep their partner happy can become obsessive. In fact, they will get upset with anyone who throws that balance off. Their obsession is the other person. They want their acceptance, need their approval, and are terrified of losing it. So, they will often do what it takes to keep their spouse engaged in the relationship. Even if it means giving in to their destructive habits.

How Substance Abuse Affects the Behaviors of a Codependent Partner

When one partner has a substance abuse problem, this only increases the codependency. The codependent spouse can act out of fear, habit, or even worse, pity. They might want to help their spouse, but sometimes the thing they do is the very thing their spouse doesn’t need. Caretaking is enabling. Silence is acceptance. But to the codependent, the consequences of saying something is too much of a price to pay. So, they often continue permitting the habit, acting in ways that are centered around keeping the peace.

Codependent fear exists on different levels:

Fear of rejection by the partner.

Fear of failing the partner.

Fear of what could happen if you don’t live up to the expectations.

Through these fears, the codependent’s submission continues. They live in a constant state of negativity and amplified fear, as if they are walking on eggshells, always trying to help but never sure if it is what their spouse wants.

Dr. Gottman says of a negative outlook, “They can distort reality and even see positive things as potential put-downs.” He also says that with that negative perspective you will “fail to see 50 percent of the positive things the other partner is doing.” Even when a codependent spouse is trying to do good, their partner may not notice. Or worse, they may misinterpret it as something negative.

Finally, there is the fear of losing the relationship if the situation is resolved. The codependent might feel their spouse or partner will not need them anymore and leave.

Actions out of Habit – Just like driving on the right side of the road, we do things repeatedly because they have become habits. It would seem abnormal to do things any other way. This is also something that is learned young. If you have a habit of keeping your mouth shut at a parental scolding, you will most likely keep your mouth shut with the scolding from a spouse.

Additionally, just as we saw our parents argue, or how they made, up, we will behave the same way with our spouses. The cycle continues in what we think we should do, and without any correction from an outside source, we perpetuate the behaviors we have learned.

Clinician and couples therapy thought leader Dr. Stan Tatkin reminds us that, “We all come [to the relationship] with our fair share of unresolved painful experiences from relationships.” These issues become ingrained in who we are. And will determine how we react to conflict with our current partner. These habits can evolve into codependent habits.

Whether we know it or not, we tend to view the people we engage with through the lens of the past. Tatkin calls the areas of our brain that have assimilated such behavior “primitives.” They act out of habit, based on personal experiences. Codependency can very well reflect those primitives in action.

Actions out of Pity – The excuses the codependent uses to justify their partner’s actions can sound pretty defensive:

What can I do? They don’t know any better. Their dad drank or their mom was an addict. They need me to help them. If I’m not there, things would be worse. I am able to make excuses to their boss, their friends, their family for why they are acting that way. If I don’t, they would be jobless, friendless, and family would keep their distance.

But it is important to remember the chasm between pity and love. Love is about respect. You cannot respect someone you pity. Just a sorrowful ache that a codependent tries to make up for through attempts to hide their spouse’s shortcomings. Covering up becomes a habit, then helping becomes an addiction in itself. The codependent partner can become so dependent on their spouse that defending them has become their identity.

Ways to Deal with Substance Abuse in a Codependent Marriage

When a marriage falls into codependence, the codependent partner becomes an enabler to the abusive habits. While they may genuinely want to help, their codependence becomes an addiction of its own. This traps both in a cycle that can only be broken by getting help. Not just for the substance abuse, but for the codependency.

First, admit There is a Problem

To begin the road to recovery, you must admit there is a problem. Just as the partner with the substance abuse issue is reluctant to admit they have a problem; the Codependent partner shares the same reluctance to accept they have a problem. Unfortunately, the Codependent may be standing in the way of the abusing partner overcoming their issues. Their enabling habits never give the abusing partner the opportunity to get out of their destructive patterns.

Then, Stop Enabling

Once both spouses realize that they are in too deep and need help, they can begin the road to recovery. The next step is to stop the process from continuing. This is probably the toughest step. It begins with setting firm boundaries. The codependent needs to stop enabling their spouse. And on the opposite end, the spouse with the addiction needs to quit their abusive behavior that feeds the addiction of the enabler.

Next, Seek Professional Help

Seeking help is never easy. It means airing your laundry outside the confines of your home. Seeking substance abuse help is just the beginning. A codependent habit can be just as challenging to overcome. They should also undergo some form of treatment for their codependency.

Follow-up

You can admit there is a problem, set boundaries, and seek professional help, but you must always continue to move forward. It is never one and done. It is never a completed task. It is a minute-by-minute, day-by-day process.

Final Thoughts

Even when you gain a grasp of the situation, continue the new healthy habits you and your spouse have learned. Eventually, it becomes easier. It is a long process, but one worth fighting for. The ability to repair the broken relationship will strengthen your marriage. As Dr. Gottman says in his Making Relationships Work seminar, “Every relationship experiences conflict and periods of alienation. The difference between the Masters and the Disasters is they’re able to repair.”

While codependency gives the appearance of a happy marriage, it is based on pretenses. It is always a fragile relationship. Yes, there may be peace, but the tiniest spark can set the whole thing ablaze. All it takes is for someone to go too far, then happiness quickly dissolves, and animosity takes its place.

Admit there is a problem, get help, and keep at it. Don’t give up on your spouse.

Understand that there will be setbacks; substance abuse is not easy to overcome. Neither is a codependency issue. But together you can work on repairing your relationship and living the life that you envisioned from day one.

If you are having trouble coping with codependency or a host of other possible marriage challenges, reaching out to a licensed couples therapist might be the way to go.

From the Gottman Method to Emotionally Focused Therapy to the PACT model, we apply science-based methodologies to every couples retreat or couples therapy weekend we offer. We also offer weekly sessions for those who can't find time to break away during the week.

Like what you’ve read? Sign up to receive my musings filled with heart, concrete tools, and cutting edge resources via my blog: Loving Well.

[pleasuringmyprincess]

Love Letter

I wrote the following In July, but decided not to share it at that time. it's now October.  Circumstances change.

________________________________________________________________

I know this isn’t going to be easy for me, so please bear with me.

I’m looking for a new dom for my sub.

I’ve know Ren for six months or so, in a long distance relationship through circumstance rather than design. Circumstance being that I live in California, while she lives in England. This is not a full time LDR, work and family (I’m also from England) bring me to the UK regularly. So in the time we’ve known each other, I’ve travelled to England every 10-12 weeks, staying for 4-5 weeks each time, and I have two more trips scheduled for between now and the end of the year.

When I met Ren it was supposed to be just for play, but we found we had so much in common, so many shared interests outside in the real world, so much chemistry that a serious relationship quickly developed. 

Ren isn’t just a delightful sub, she’s a wonderful mother to two lovely children, she’s fantastic company, intelligent, fun loving, really smart, caring, upbeat all the time, but... there’s always a but, and for Ren it’s a big one.

Let’s start by saying if there was ever someone who didn’t deserve the deck she was dealt it’s Ren. Over the last 6 years her self-esteem has been shattered by her prior partners, (I’ll say no more than that they have one way or another treated her badly) and as a consequence she has suffered from severe depression, has Generalized Anxiety Disorder, has self-harmed, and most recently has been diagnosed and is now being successfully treated for severe Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD).

Pause a moment there - this is the same woman, the woman who has been shit on by the world is also the wonderful mother, the delightful, intelligent, fun loving, smart, caring woman. My unicorn.

Ren’s seen a few big changes recently, most significantly she finally was able to divorce her husband and move to a new home. Two big steps forward, but at a cost of greatly increased anxiety. Just after this she heard that she was losing her job - she’s highly skilled but works in a poorly paid profession and because of the need to care for her kids, can only work part time. And she’s just lost her dom. We’ll come back to that in a minute.

In a scene, Ren is delightful, absolutely exquisite. I couldn’t ask for more, it breaks my heart to think of letting her go. Outside of a scene though, she can be very hard work. It’s more a question of providing support and encouragement over discipline. I have lost count of the number of hours I’ve spent helping her through the pain she feels. When she’s particularly low, it can be 3-4 hours a day. That’s not a complaint, I’d do it all again in a heartbeat even now while I’m writing this. It’s just a sign of the level of commitment you need to make. And just so it’s clear, Ren knows she has these problems and spends a lot of time in self-care activities and while it helps, it’s not enough.

Ren’s a working single mum, on a budget, she’s already very disciplined, very ordered, but she still struggles with some things and I have not been as successful as I would have liked in helping her address these issues (although today she has just proved to me that she can do this unbidden when motivated). I’ve not got to the bottom of why this is, and frankly it’s not been a high priority for me. I’ve been focused on helping her improve her self-esteem, manage her anxiety and encourage her to seek treatment for her PMDD (yay me!). This has really been my primary goal. And while it’s too soon to be sure, it really looks like we have succeeded, her anxiety and PMDD are both under control now. She is far far stronger today than she was three months ago.

Unfortunately, helping her get treatment for PMDD may have been my downfall.

After six years in the wilderness Ren is becoming whole again, free from her past, independent, far stronger than she has been for many years. Strong enough to tell me that she wants to move on. Ren needs someone full time, I know this, we’ve discussed it at length, and I had already put plans in motion to return to live in England to be with her. Now Ren has told me that while I am returning to England, it's not soon enough for her - she doesn’t want to wait. She also has concerns about my marriage. I am divorcing, she knows this, but right now I am married, and my divorce is something that Ren does not want to feel responsible for - she’s not responsible, that ship sailed long ago, but she says she will still feel responsible, and that’s enough. And my age, I’m 14 years older than her, too old in her eyes for a long term commitment.

Now obviously I’m not too happy about this, we are/were amazingly good together and had I not worked so hard to help her through her problems I might not be in this position today. I do feel significantly responsible for Ren’s recent improvement. For giving her the support she needed; for helping her apply for jobs; for showing her that there was a man who would fight for her, accept her for who she is, respect her for it; for being the consistent and reliable dom she needed; and most significantly for getting her back to the doc and having her PMDD addressed. 

This is where I get a little twisted - one of the side effects of the medication Ren is taking for PMDD is possible impaired judgement. And there's part of me that thinks, dumping your dom like this wasn't the wisest thing to do right now. So the treatment for PMDD that I helped her get, might possibly be responsible for Ren taking what I think is an ill-judged decision in deciding that she’d rather seek out her perfect Dom than accept this one with all his flaws. I’m not blind to the fact that there’s part of me that thinks ‘Hey, I did the hard work in putting her back together and it would be nice to enjoy some of the benefits’, OK, I fully realize that’s selfish of me, but it’s understandable, I’m a dom, not a saint. To be clear though, it's not the decision I have a problem with, it's the hurried way she approached it.  But we serve at our sub’s pleasure, and so here we are.

As it is, and I’ve never shared this with anyone, not even Ren, until now. I made a promise to myself that I’d help her come what may. And if that means 'setting her free' and helping her find a dom who’s worthy of her, that’s what I’ll do.

And so I’m looking for a new dom for my sub.

If you think that you might possibly be able to be the dom Ren needs, I’d like to hear from you. Before you all shout, as you might have gathered, I hold Ren in very high regard, and I will not let her settle for anyone who isn’t good enough. And just to be clear, I’m not going away. Ren and I have every intention of remaining friends.

So can this be you?

Let’s see shall we.

You’ve got to accept that Ren is a rich multi-faceted human being. If you are looking for a fuck toy, stop here.

She’s looking for more than just a play partner. Listen to Lou Reid singing Perfect Day, if you can’t offer that, you can stop reading here. Married guys (like me), guys in poly, or any form of relationship with someone else, you can stop here, she wants exclusivity. Btw, if you’re separated, divorcing, or whatever, you’re still married, so you stop here too. You don’t drink sangria in the park with Ren, and then later when it gets dark go home to your wife (read the lyrics, it will make sense).

Age 40-50, no exceptions. You will be fit and healthy, height/weight proportional.

No diseases, you will provide current STI test results, and you will always use a condom.

It will help if you a pro-Remain, if not, you need to be able to offer a coherent argument against. Intelligence matters. 

As a submissive, Ren has specific needs, and specific limits. She needs pain, she needs to be spanked, mild to moderate use of a riding crop and paddle is OK, but not severe caning. She needs bondage both for the restraint and the art. Obviously there are other things as well, but she can share that if you meet, and I’m sure there are things that we’ve not tried that she will enjoy. She has limits and you will respect them. You will not humiliate her in any way, not even name calling. Not in play, not as punishment. There are other things you will not do, obviously, and again she can share them if you meet.

You must be an experienced Dom, having a fetlife account or a tumblr blog doesn’t count. You will meet me first. You will provide government photo ID, and references, and I will follow up on references in person.

Ren needs a Dom who is close by, someone who can see her 2-3 times a week without fail and who will remain in close contact when apart. Long distance relationships don’t work for her (ask me how I know), she needs to know you are close by, which means you must be within daily driving distance. No, she will not relocate. She has joint custody of her kids with her ex and that’s not going to change.

You’ve got to accept that she is not at your beck and call. She’s a mother, her kids come first and always will. You don’t even rate second place; like I said, she has a very demanding self-care program that takes a lot of her time, that comes next. She also has a cat. You might aspire to a position above the cat in her hierarchy, but I wouldn’t count on it.

________________________________________________________________

Don't take this as anything other than a mile marker down a road already travelled.

Applications are not currently being accepted. 

[otogetranslations]

A Sasazuka Essay

Written by one of our most beloved translator: khikari AKA Kujouhikari!

She completed translating mostly all of Sasazuka route in our on-going translation project: Collar x Malice Unlimited!

Here is the link to the original post: Reddit

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1LUA27Rhfe3vyf1Ug_Qi5U1RZXvzwMZ1dT8hX8bEy_RM/edit?usp=sharing

Greetings.

To discuss Ichika in donut's route, we would have to discuss donut himself as well. It is something unavoidable. I have a generally favourable opinion of donut, to be point of being extremely biased towards him. As such, this is purely opinion with that fact established. This post will also be long because I have trouble finding 'concise' in my dictionary.

I played the game in Japanese so my experience might also differ from yours in that respect.

Also, there will be spoilers.

1.) Hoshino Ichika as a person

Basic background (Just so we are on the same page): Hoshino Ichika is a newbie police officer, quite fresh off her graduation. She is only 21 and still does not have that much experience in the workforce. She has impressive accuracy in her aim and handling of guns, however she is not a professional in it (compared to others). Her family is implied, and is confirmed, to neglect and dismiss her diligence and will in a variety of ways. She is often compared with her brother, whom she loves but is on unsteady relations with, after he moved to Tokyo.

Personality: She is an ordinary person with an ordinary sense of justice and morale, is empathetic, and not especially talented. Her most significant trait is her strong will and diligence, working hard for her ideals to come true. She faces things head on, for the better for worse, and tries to confront things that she is uncomfortable with as well. Not being a complacent person, she constantly strives for a better reality within her abilities. She understands what she can do, and what she can't do, very well. She also has extremely low self-esteem due to her upbringing, and was under a lot of stress during the X-Day incidents due to being a newbie, not going well with her family, then the collar happening.

I admire her for all this. She might not be the most powerful, or greatest, or most active, but she does what she can and tries to be true towards herself. She might fail and fall on the way, and even be a hypocrite sometimes, but she is only human. She isn't trying to save the world, she only wants her family safe, and those that she care for to be alright. I admire people who try despite knowing their limits, just as much as I admire those who are active and cause real change.

Also, I find it strange to pick at her hypocrisy sometimes. Her low-self esteem means that she is constantly unable to accept praise as what it is, yet her upbringing makes her yearn for understanding of some sort that she never received from her parents. I think critisizing her for that can be unfair.

I also personally find realistic egotism in characters to be something beautiful, influenced by the many literature I have read. I empathise with them better.

2.) Sasazuka Takeru as a person

Background Summary: Sasazuka Takeru is 24, an extremely talented hacker who moved from America to Japan due to his trauma with his mother. (In the beginning) he resigned from the police due to despairing at the police and the government's methods, in hope of trying to do something himself. He is used to the merit-based system in America, where ability influenced your input in the situation. However, Japan is the opposite, where the number of years you have spent in a corporation is prized over your ability (this can be still quite relevant in modern Japan). The ability to present your argument can be more important than the substance of it in this case, where these incidents have shook up the entire country. Thus, he is highly frustrated and running short on time with little resources to try to solve something important to him.

Personality: I personally empathise a lot with Sasazuka, as I have a similar sewage personality diluted slightly with coke. (I just wrap it up slightly better thanks to books.) He is highly pragmatic and has his priorities on a rigid hierarchy according to his personal investment, and thus can be seen as egostical. In other words, he ranks his individual needs and morales higher than what is important for the 'greater good'.

This means that he sees practical solutions to problems as more important than the decorums and traditional methods of society, and cares little about feelings he trample on. He evaluates every decision he makes with cold harsh logic, and spends no effort on things he deem 'meaningless'. (For example, society values family relations. However, if he evaluates the relationship to have no future, he'd cut it off, even if it is family. He places value on his own judgement and not general consensus.) And thus he is the most morally grey of the main cast.

He is a true neutral, which diverts from the tradition lawful good or lawful neutral protagonists society tends to value. I cannot comment on him much due to the similarities I find. He is neither good, nor bad. You can only measure that compared with your own moral compass, and whether he is against you or with you. (That's how war works, really. Nobody fights for what they don't believe in. Being the enemy doesn't make them wrong, but it doesn't make them right. It's the same for allies. Imperically, right and wrong can only be decided on how many casualties one's actions result in.)

As a person, he is extremely guarded of other people, and does not give his trust easily. There is no point spending time and effort on someon who is either going to betray you or is not worth it. However, this means that once someone has earned his respect, he will always prioritise them over other things. He has time to spare because he has cut off unimportant people, after all. He will go the extra mile to make sure they grow and can be happy independent from him while he accomplishes his own goals. This is true for both friendships and romantice relationships. This makes his relationships either very shallow or very deep, but nobody has qualified for the latter in love so far.

He is also very honest and tries not to be a hypocrite. What he says are usually logical and sound. He just doesn't wrap it up and consider the other party's feeling as much, because he wants improvement. Babying people will cause no progress. He shows his most natural self to the world because of this. Pleasantries might make co-operation more smooth, but they don't solve the actual problem.

His good parts and extra effort are reserved only for those who he deems as deserving.

(Also, this might also help you understand why he chooses to be morally grey and result based. In Australia, the the first British settlers came across the native Aborigines and judged their standard of living to be 'low'. Feeling the Aborigine children to be 'abused' in such a 'lowly' environment, they decided to kidnap the children so that they could have a better life. They brought them to these 'schools' where they are taught the skills to be a servant so that they can have a job in the future and lift themselves out of the 'poverty cycle'. They had good intentions in their opinion, but for the Aborigines, this is just them stealing their children away and throwing poop on their culture.

Doing what seems 'good' depending on societal morals can lead to these situations, and thus the best a person can do is to not betray themselves. I'm rambling sorry, but in this case, Sasazuka would value the result and say that the good intentions are not excusable. Would this make sense?)

3)Finally answering the question (I made you wait long enough.)

Sasazuka's treatment of Ichika: Just would like to address this first. Sasazuka is cold towards Ichika, calling her 'baka neko' idiot cat the first time they meet. The Japanese wording is less harsh than the English equivalent. (There is even a saying that someone more cute the more baka they are.)

Sasazuka is harsh and cold throughout the beginning because of how badly their personalities clashed. Sasazuka is a person who doesn't value meaningless effort, while Ichika tries despite having little experience or ability. For Sasazuka, Ichika should be focusing on something else and not bother him and lower his efficiency. Explaining to her would be wasting time because she is very unlikely to grasp hold of the situation quickly and contribute to it. She may be a victim, but Adonis is a large organisation adept at manipulating the emotion of masses, so she might be just acting. The enemy formally nearly suceeded in bringing the president down...They must have had many spies in government to make that possible, so they have the resource for this little act.

Conclusion: Time spent on her is wasted, and keep information from her as much as possible. Giving her extra information might even cause her to poke into dangerous situations due to lack of experience, thus encourage her to rely on someone more capable and caring like Yanagi-san. It is a lose-lose situation to work with her.

Meanwhile, for Ichika, she knew that she was dead weight, so she wanted to try and help in whatever way she can. She wanted these incidents to stop, and her hope of restoring the gun law is her main motivation in this route. Sasazuka handled the August(?) case which was the reason for this to happen, and thus he was her best shot. Enomoto's cases were to do with internal police conflict, Shiraishi was most likely a dead end, and she knew that she didn't have the ability to keep up with all cases like Yanagi. Therefore she sorted her priorities and decided to try to help Sasazuka.

Having a lot more EQ than Sasazuka, she realised early on that he was trying to do both of them a favour by not involving her. She also knows that he is extremely independant and would find her help to be intrusive, so she opted to help in the only way that would not bother him or slow him down: health support. She tries to do what she can, and hopefully would gain his trust so that she could have other ways of helping, like gathering information the slow way. For her, it's not that she likes Sasazuka over the other people or anything, it's just that she rationally did what she could for her goal to be accomplished.

Here, there is extra tension because Sasazuka is extremely frustrated and rushed because working in the police meant slow results slow action, but working alone meant less resources. People are dying by the day and he understands those deaths as a victim himself, so he wants to do something about it but it's slow. Ichika is under a lot of pressure for reasons stated earlier. Both of them are types to bottle things up and thus they kind of take it out on each other, but Ichika is more mature about the whole thing.

The love part: As to where they both start getting drawn to each other.... Sasazuka slowly opens up to Ichika who constantly tries without overly disturbing him, which makes her comfortable to be with. She respects his abilities and knows her own limits, which he can respect in turn. She might not be talented, but she is doing what she can while taking his preferences in consideration. Her care for her brother is something he admires, because he can't do the same for someone who doesn't return his affections. She...might remind him of his own mother who treated him as more important than her own life, despite him having such a troublesome personality. Thus, he wanted to help her with her brother while getting to know Sera in the process. Win-win. He knows that he is generally disliked, and thus he could test Kazuki's reactions. If he loved his sister, great. If he doesn't, then he'll tell that to Ichika upfront.

He begins to like her because he can respect her, she is gaining his trust, and most importantly, he feels comfortable around her. The last quality is something rare for him to find. (Isn't the ideal relationship being able to eat potato chips together on the couch, watching the same movie and laugh while pointing out its ridiculousness? In real life at least.)

Thus...he kissed her. Not to start a romantic relationship. It is him trying to repay her with his earnest feelings mixed in. Words wouldn't console her, then. (He also has less reservations about it because, you know, America.)

Ichika grows to like him because of his kindness and honesty she sees through his actions. His words can be aloof, but he has never truly abandoned her or led her astray while she was partners with him. He might even remind her a little of Kazuki, who is aloof and tsun as well. Since Sasazuka is opening up to her, some of her big sisterly feelings of taking care of Kazuki seeps through. She grows fond of Sasazuka, who shows more and more of his softer parts the more she gets to know him. (Please remember that she has high EQ and has a pretty good read on him. He's not that hard to read because he is quite straightforward and doesn't lie.)

He is earnest and trying his best, and thus she can respect him too. She admires him for being both diligent and being talented, but on the other hand he is terrible at wrapping his words and taking care of health. Thus, she can't leave him alone, because she admires him and grows to like him.

His support of her helps these feelings grow, and the kiss reminded her that romance yes indeed could exist. With that in mind, she also slowly realises her own feelings of protectiveness and affection towards him.

For both of them, it isn't a sweet romance purely based on love. (Though this can be said for all of the main cast except Enomoto.) For Sasazuka, it is comfort, trust and respect which led to affection. For Ichika, it is admiration, trust and caring nature that led to affection.

However, it doesn't progress to actual romantic feelings as quickly because of this foundation. Just one step short. They have mutual respect, but haven't closed enough distance to reach a deeper relationship.

Therefore, the turning point was when Ichika tried to protect Sasazuka, Sasazuka tried to protect Ichika and his trauma was dug up. This set off the last chain reaction needed for them to close the distance. Later, when Sasazuka confesses that he was morally grey, he trusts her but is also half testing her. He would never change, and he knows that, so he wants to know if she'd be disgusted or appalled. Because of how invested he was, however, he couldn't bear for her to react negatively and cut it off completely, so he made her drunk first. So that he and her both had a way out.

But...she didn't do any of that. She said that he was kind. She asked him to not go down the dark path. She...accepted him. For Sasazuka, this is more than enough reason for his feelings to tilt to romantic affection.

Then she proceeds to cry and he panics. He doesn't want someone who did all this for him to cry, and thus this memory became important for him. Important enough that he could push down the feelings of revenge, because he doesn't want her to cry. He doesn't want to make her, who helped him and accepted him despite his sewage attitude and questionable morals, to cry again.

It is for this reason that he couldn't confess to her that easily, too, which would lead to the tragic love end. He knows that he isn't the best choice and isn't good enough for her to be happy. She makes him comfortable and is special in doing this, and thus deserves the best happiness she can get. He also has the priority of destroying the remainder of Adonis, and thus...

In the good end, his feelings overrode his other wishes and his reason. Love > Respect & Reason, basically. He planned to confess to her on christmas, but she did first, and you know the rest. From then on, his affections are more open, but at his core, he is a person who isn't made of honey, so he is honest, showing his natural dry self.

For Ichika, Sasazuka confessing is a sign of trust, but also something that panics her. Her feelings progressed to love earlier than him, and she called him an idiot for being so stupid. He calls himself mean and morally grey, but she knows the kindness hidden within him. He downplays all his positive sides and says all this to her, expecting her to push him away. Are you an idiot? (I already love you!) So, don't go off to do things that will hurt yourself!

Because of this, the...Sera event affected her deeply. She knew he was on the edge. She doesn't want Sasazuka to stray off. Desperate to keep him in the side of the light, she remembered how he was troubled by her crying, and the fact that he trusted her enough to confess all that. She then threatens him with her tears because...it's the only thing that made him halt and unsure.

But ye I don't have anything more to say on her front, the rest is all in the game, go play the game you heathen!

Ichika in comparison with other routes:

To discuss this, we have to discuss what part of Ichika shines in other routes. Enomoto - Cuteness, initiative, bravery and willing to confront what he was unwilling to face. Shiraishi - She showed her will strongly. Her EQ was high and saw right through him XD. She chooses not to give up on what is precious to her no matter what. She pointed out his wrongs actively. She was so...kind. And cute. Okazaki - High EQ, figured out what Kei actually wanted. Won't take his poop reasons for using her as a reason. Refuses to give up and self sacrificing without being overly so. Cuteness. Yanagi - Willing to face reality and not run away, whether it is with Yanagi or the last boss. High EQ. Takes initiative and does what she needs to do. Shows her compassionate nature and helps Yanagi forward, together. Cuteness.

As we can see, cuteness is the common factor in all of them. She shows the same in donut's route. Nuff said.

High EQ - As shown in my rambles, she shows this very well.

Compassion - yep.

Strong will - Yep, was willing to do anything to improve the situation, even if it meant buying donuts or doing other things.

One thing I think is special to Sasazuka's route is her grasp on her own limits. She knows what she can and can't do, and that's important. It's admirable. She doesn't shove her nose into matters that aren't hers, and she listens well. She is willing to admit that she isn't capable and that's important in the real world.

As for why she might not seem as exceptional...well. It's because Sasazuka is almost never doing the wrong thing, and is always trying to improve himself. Enomoto refused to accept reality. Shiraishi was blind to what he really wanted. Okazaki wanted meaning to his life in a destructive way. Yanagi was stuck in the past and is overly compassionate, so much that he could not move to act.

Sasazuka is always acting to solve the case, is self-motivated, and is grounded in reality. He is mostly a self-completing person. Though his words are sharp, he always does what is needed. He is honest. He doesn't hide his intentions. His main flaw is his true neutral alignment which does not mesh well with his trauma. Thus, he doesn't need to be changed or forced to change like the others. So she could never assume a super active role in this relationship.

For Sasazuka, Ichika represents comfort and somewhere he could properly breathe around. She is someone he respects, and he wishes her to grow into the best version of herself. They might not be equal in ability, but their mutual understanding, respect and admiration makes them treat each other as equals.

And isn't that enough? I find that to be admirable. I think she shines just as much as in other routes, just in a more realistic way rather than an active way. Valuing a more active and interactive heroine is great and all, but I think the writing in the game captures more realistic and...explicit? Not so pure? Love relatively well.

[morethanithoughtofficialblog]

Chapter 7: As useless as a broken mirror

In which you realize your life is crap... 

for now

*Your POV*

Talking with someone yesterday was good, I guess. I normally talk about work topics only, so it feels weird to have a casual conversation about... anything. And it was weirder, considering Sans was the one talking.

It would be today, though, the day where we would see each other again in order to discuss... more terms. They all deserve to know and I also need a few papers for them in order to get them into society. I just need the basics, though- report cards, previous jobs on the Underground, and I will put them some tests in order to see which educational level fits better each of them. But that will be later.

So there I was, waking up and trying to french kiss the morning as Bon Jovi does. And failing miserably, just as always.

I tried my best to keep a smile on my face. It didn't work out, either. I groaned loudly, realizing that it was four in the morning. So yeah, I just can't french kiss the morning when it isn't morning, you know. And so I felt stupid and went back to sleep...

...

Except I didn't.

No matter how many positions I tried or how many different pillows I took, I just couldn't get my head together. I was thinking about everything and, at the same time, about nothing at all. I felt numb yet desperate to be a normal person and fall sleep immediately, considering how freaking tired I actually was.

I sat on my bed silently and put on the lights. Bad idea, but I still do it every night like this.

I frowned remarkably and stood there until my eyes got accustomed to the light. And then I started to question what the hell was I doing, as usual.

I looked at my annoying digital clock again: 4:11 am.

Great, guess I'll stay like this until the day officially starts... or until I pass out, that is.

Maybe a good drink would have been great to forget it all. Then I remembered that I had work and that, besides, I don't drink. I groaned again.

I felt like crying, like screaming or like to go outside and let a fucking weirdo kill me or make me disappear forever...

That's the worst idea I've ever had.

I wanted to punch something; maybe a mirror, maybe that elegant flower vase with a dead daisy on it, or the TV. All of those were great options, honestly. But I wasn't up to clean the mess or to deal with angry neighbors, so I didn't move.

I shoot a glance at one of my bureaus, that only had an old book on its top. Maybe I could read. I tried to stretch my hand and get it, but I ended up falling out of the bed, making my head hurt like hell. Ouch. Maybe I couldn't, after all.

I, unsurprisingly, groaned again. If I had a cent for every time I have groaned in my life, I could probably have a car instead of taking that goddamn subway. Or I could get a house. Or a life...

Nah. That's way too expensive.

I eventually got up and stared at my drawer. Then, without thinking, I opened it. My heart sank when it did.

Medicines here, medicines there. Medicines FUCKING EVERYWHERE! There was barely any space left for even a fricking pill. This is not the first time I have seen this, though, but it still hurts to see how pathetic I am. This is just a small proof. There's more, that's for sure.

I stood there silently, anxiety consuming me over. I could even make a fucking drug store out of this drawer...

Actually, that doesn't sound like a bad idea.

I shook my head, resisting the urge to be sarcastic to myself... again.

But, yes, I had such a huge variety I could make a store out of it. Do you have anxiety? Well, Zoloft for you, that is! Are you depressed like me? Well here, took a Prozac pill! Come here and get your problems away...

And contribute to mine.

Oh my god, just end my suffering.

Thanks to my wonderful boss and work partners (including college and the monsters' case, of course), I forgot that I had emotional problems as well. And that means that I haven't been following my treatment. For months.

Shit.

Then I started to wonder when I had to see my psychiatrist again. I probably missed the date he gave me. Just wonderful, right?

I sighed and closed the drawer, feeling worse than before. I went to the bathroom to see my wound but there wasn't anything there. Thank God.

I ended up looking at my face, slightly frowning. People have said that I'm pretty, yes, but I think that's just out of sympathy. Therefore, I haven't been comfortable with my looks since... a long time ago.

My (e/c) eyes looked paler than when I was a kiddo. Ah, childhood. It was wonderful in its own way. No problems, no low self-esteem, no nothing. Just laughs and friends, videogames and nights playing Dungeons and Dragons with my dorky dad and my aunt. Those were good days.

I remember that I received a lot of comments, telling me that I would have a brilliant future. Hard to believe in that now, looking at what was happening.

I work in Congress and I am finishing my studies to finally become a biochemist. Being a scientist has been my dream, and I'm just a few steps before I can call myself "Dr. (Y/N)". And I'm just twenty.

When I was little, my dad took me to a neurologist in order to see my IQ. She said, in a few words, that I was super smart and super talented. I believed it but never used it as an excuse to think of me better than anyone else. Right then, I thought everyone had talents and intelligence. Now... I'm seriously doubting all those encouraging words were true. Because, even if I was a nerd, that never meant my future would be brighter.

A lot of my school partners and friends are being way happier than I am, having a perfect balance between emotions, college, and work. Me, who 'has it all' to become an important person, somehow has three mental breakdowns (at least) in one day, and it's struggling between having or not new friends, afraid of screwing up.

Is this what my parents would have wanted? For me to be a coward?

Well, surprise surprise. Your daughter is such a disappointment of a kid.

I'm a genius. That's what experts told me. They also said that this high IQ thingy may include problems socializing and, well, even mental illnesses. To be honest, I prefer being normal and not having these things than being a Leonardo Da Vinci and die internally every five seconds.

Then I noticed a warm feeling on my cheeks.

Oh crap.

I snapped back to reality and saw myself in front of the mirror, crying as if my life depended on it. Well, it kinda does, but that's not the point.

I tried to wipe them as quickly as possible, trying to banish that feeling instantly. But instead, I cried harder. And harder. And I felt more miserable than before, if that was possible.

My legs felt like jello and my eyes turned all red and puffy. My mouth was shaking, trying to transform itself into a smile. Why was I crying, again? Oh yeah, because I hate myself so much. I look awful, I'm just full of myself, lonely, and easily replaceable. There's nothing I can do about it.

I will finish my dream career, but all for what? To be more stressed? I don't know if I can quit at the Congress since I kind of accepted to be the ambassador of the monsters. Wow. I should have left someone more capable than I am to do the job. Now I'm going to disappoint them as well, whenever they see how weak I am. I mean, I'm crying while I'm looking at myself in the night... again. This is isn't new. But it just feels worst every time.

I gasped for air, almost forgetting how to breathe thanks to all that crying. I blinked a couple of times and took long breaths until I calmed down. When my vision wasn't blurry anymore, I saw my face again. All red and uglier than before. I looked like a baby losing its toy, like a child whining, or like a teenager who has an impossible crush.

I frowned, knowing I wasn't any of them. I was an adult, for God's sake.

Can this get more frustrating?

Can I be more pathetic?

I closed my fist and punched the mirror until my fingers went numb and my blood painted my whole hand...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Frisk's POV*

I woke up later than usual, rubbing my eyes at the incoming sunlight. I groaned at the clock, seeing it was 10 am. But deep down I knew that Toriel would come for me, and so I got up.

I took a quick shower and put into more presentable clothes. I colocated a cute ribbon on my brown hair, feeling quite silly yet pretty. I stared at the mirror and saw my look with satisfaction. I was looking great! I even made some silly faces and giggled a little before coming out, interrupted by an angry skeleton who wanted to take a shower.

"kid, just fucking get out of there! what're you doin'? takin' a trip to narnia?"

"Sans, behave yourself!!!"

"...sorry ari-mom..."

I contained my laughter, knowing that Sans would be really angry if he heard me, and I walked out of the bathroom. Just a second passed before a quick flash of white ran into the room and locked the door. Oh, Sans, since when are you this desperate to take a shower?

The ones who hadn't showered groaned impatiently. I would have too since Sans lasts a long time in the shower. One time I swear I heard him singing a popular rock song (so popular I don't remember its name) and then eventually creating a song of how much he loved ketchup...

...I must admit I feel worried about his future...

Eh... let's just hope for the best.

After a bunch of complainings towards him and more people showering, we could finally take breakfast together. Thank God they were pancakes, or else Undyne or Papyrus would be trying to find out the best egg combination (which, according to them, hasn't been found yet). At first, it is fun to hear their crazy ideas, but then it turns into a competition that I get somehow dragged into it. Most of the time voluntarily, though.

However, I was too excited to let all my energy be drowned into an egg fight. Today we will be seeing (Y/N) again, and honestly, I was looking for it! She's nice, and I've been waiting to be friends with her all this time. So now that everything was, well, settled, this was my chance!

We all ate rather quickly and head out of the house. However, Asgore stopped us before we could go running to... anywhere, actually.

"Let's wait here a moment, ok?" he smiled eagerly, making me suspicious.

So we waited there for five minutes or so until a simple-looking taxi made its way towards the house. Then a 5'5 feet tall woman got out of there, who I recognized immediately.

"(Y/N)!!!!!" Papyrus screamed unearthly loud, hugging (Y/N) immediately. She looked a little bit startled by such a sudden move but hugged back shortly after him.

"Hello, Papyrus. It is good to see you again...!" she tried her best to sound enthusiastic, but she felt somehow... different. Why, though?

"Oh, (Y/N) sweetie, I'm so glad you could make it!" Goat mom added with a smile, which (Y/N) returned it kindly. Maybe I was just imagining things, after all "But, hey, come in! We want you to see where we have been living all this time!"

Sans looked a bit tense but quickly relaxed. He must have forgotten for a second that Papyrus was his roommate. Therefore, there was NO WAY his room could be dirty. Since when he cares about that, though?

And so we gave (Y/N) a small tour through the small house. She behaved as always; shy, anxious, not wanting to intrude or sound rude, making small compliments and comments in amusement. She was just super nice! I think she's one of my favorite humans.

After making her laugh a bit and answer some of her own doubts about the Underground, we all headed off to the Congress, talking about the simplest of topics.

"Oh! I remember hearing a song called 'Imagine' one day!" I told (Y/N), keeping up with the musical topic (at Sans's petition).

"You have? Well, I mean... which artist are you talking about?"

"I think it was Marshmello"

"...then no, I haven't heard that one"

"Is there another song called 'Imagine'?" Alphys asked, curious about our conversation.

"well, there's john lennon's, y' know..." Sans added, smiling lazily.

(Y/N) seemed perplexed for a second, then smiled widely.

"Yep, John Lennon's 'Imagine' is my kind of... 'Imagine', you know"

Throughout all the way we all were talking about music. (Y/N) turns out to be a Rock N' Roll and Indie listener, similar to Sans's taste. She is kind of a music nerd, actually. She would give a casual comment of something history-related to music. I think Sans felt like he was on his own mind, opening up strangely. Then I realized he was just another music nerd, and that both of them were never given the chance to talk about this with others so freely.

However, I noticed an unusual expression on Sans's face. Not a good one, I must say. He wasn't suspicious or anything- by any chance, I think he was worried...

but of what?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Sans's POV*

It feels good to have someone to talk about these things. I mean, someone that at least can say who Slash is.

While I was talking to (Y/N), however, I noticed a wound on her right fist. Not to be rude, but she is a bit taller than I am, and I didn't want to look at a... private part of her body. Therefore, I ended up noticing a serious-looking injury on her fingers.

Should I ask?

I saw how happy she looked, talking about when she started to hear Rock N' Roll and watch concerts on TV.

Eh, I'll do it later...

Still, my mind wandered about that topic the rest of the road. And so, I didn't talk anymore, focusing on other things. Well, can you blame me? That looked like some serious shit happened.

When we arrived at the Congress, I noticed different looks from her work partners. I recognized one of the feelings on their looks: shame. They probably felt ashamed after hearing that we succeed. My smile grew wider, at least a bit, after thinking that.

We discussed a few things in her office like it was any day. Except it wasn't.

The human president made a public announcement on TV, radio, and social media, saying that monsters would be finally released and be accepted as legal citizens. Despite everything, I felt a bit uneasy. He might have been nice, but the others are clearly not like him. I just don't want to put Papy's security on risk.

We ended up leaving sooner than I thought, and for the first time in our lives, we used public transport. We received some glances, but in between, there were also kind smiles. Just like (Y/N)'s, just less dorky...

Did I just call the ambassador a dork?

I mentally groaned and took a seat, never erasing my apparently permanent smile. I felt like I was forgetting something, so I made a quick rewind on my head. But what would I have forgo- oh.

Oh.

You forgot to ask her, you idiot.

[ethicaldear-blog]

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[your-dietician]

When to See a Psychiatrist — Talkspace

New Post has been published on https://depression-md.com/when-to-see-a-psychiatrist-talkspace/

When to See a Psychiatrist — Talkspace

We’re fortunate that in modern society, we now see many more people actively working to remove the stigma associated with mental health. In the past, seeing an in-person or online psychiatrist to discuss mental health concerns had been thought of by some as a sign of weakness or a source of shame. 

Now, it seems we’re collectively more willing to recognize the benefits when we consider our mental health in the same way we consider our physical health— as something that needs to be nurtured and cared for. 

Asking yourself should I see a psychiatrist is the first step in acknowledging that you may need help. And that’s very brave. Especially when you consider that according to the National Alliance of Mental Illness (NAMI), 1 in 5 adults in the United States deals with some form of mental health condition each year. One in 20 deals with a serious mental health condition. 

One thing’s for sure…it’s become increasingly clear that there’s a desperate need for us to acknowledge that mental health is important. And a psychiatrist might be exactly where you can begin your journey if you’re considering getting professional help. 

How Would a Psychiatrist Help?

A psychiatrist is a medical doctor who specializes in the diagnosis, prevention, and treatment of mental, behavioral, and emotional disorders. It takes about 12 years of training to become a psychiatrist. The path is intense, and it requires university studies, medical school, the completion of a field residency, and the passing of board exams to achieve this Doctorate of Medicine (MD) credential.

A psychiatrist is qualified to not only make an accurate mental diagnosis, but their medical school training also enables them to assess physical aspects that may be contributing to a patient’s psychological concerns. Another important role of a psychiatrist is they’re able to prescribe medication to treat mental health conditions. Note this is a primary difference between a psychiatrist and a clinical psychologist. A mental health medication is commonly taken along with appropriate therapies to alleviate symptoms and/or alter negative emotions, unrealistic thinking, or consequential behaviors.

It can be difficult for some people to know when to see a psychiatrist. Determining if you’re overburdened and just need to take a mental health break, or if something deeper is going on can feel overwhelming. 

If you’re wondering, “Do I need a psychiatrist?” considering some key indicators below can help you come to a decision. Each of these are signals that it might be time to look for help. Mental health conditions do not indicate a personal failure. Rather, they can be directly linked to several factors that can be environmental or lifestyle. Some of the main reasons people may decide to seek help from a psychiatrist or mental health provider can include:

Genetics (hereditary)

Environmental stressors

A chemical imbalance within the brain

An undiagnosed brain trauma or brain infection

Alcohol and/or drug abuse

Prenatal or fetal brain damage during birth

Postpartum depression 

Poor nutrition 

Exposure to toxins

Reasons to Consult With a Psychiatrist

Determining when to see a psychiatrist will often require an honest self-assessment. While you shouldn’t try to self-diagnose any specific mental health conditions, you can certainly become aware of and pinpoint behaviors, emotions, and thought patterns that are unhealthy. 

Even recurring, but temporary, episodes of anxiety, stress, depression, or mood swings might be an indication of a larger mental health condition that might warrant professional treatment. We all experience professional setbacks, failed relationships, financial worries, and personal loss at some point in life, but if it’s interfering with your ability to function daily, or it’s becoming an issue in your interpersonal relationships, there may be more going on. 

It’s how you cope, how you react, and what you do to get through these life experiences that can define whether or not a psychiatric intervention is a good idea. If you’re trying to figure out when to see a psychiatrist, it can help to look for episodes of mental health symptoms that have:

A sudden onset

A sharp rise in intensity

And/or a short course 

Mental health episodes may happen sporadically, but if they’re negatively affecting your quality of life, that’s a clear sign you may be ready to seek help. 

Examples of acute mental health conditions that are recurring can include:

Extreme anger 

Rage

Debilitating anxiety 

Depression

Eating or sleeping disorders 

Periods of intense sadness

Thoughts of self-harm or suicide

Answering the question: Do I need a psychiatrist?

Remember: it’s not a sign of weakness, but a show of both strength and humility if you’re willing to reach out for help. Continuing negative behaviors or thought patterns can be detrimental and have long-lasting consequences. Early intervention and a willingness to get a mental health professional’s guidance is the best thing you can do for yourself and your loved ones.

The following signs may indicate it’s time to seek professional help:

Difficulty regulating emotions or thought patterns

Trouble controlling your emotions

Unexplained or sudden health issues or physical illness

Not performing efficiently or effectively at work or school

Sudden changes in sleep patterns or appetite

Excessive fears or extreme and constant worry

Struggling to build and maintain relationships

Unhealthy changes in sex drive or treatment of the opposite sex

Engaging in risky behavior

Nightmares 

Detachment from reality, delusions, paranoia, or hallucinations

A life-changing trauma (assault, car accident)

Loss of interest in activities 

Increased self-isolation

Grieving (that immobilizes for a long period)

Increased substance abuse to alleviate symptoms (drugs, alcohol)

Having suicidal thoughts or self-harm

The list above can help you determine whether you should decide to see a psychiatrist or mental health professional. But sometimes things aren’t always so clear. You might also be experiencing general life circumstances that are naturally difficult to handle. For example, relationships with people who have specific personalities (like introverts), who have no living family relations, who have extremely low self-esteem, or who’ve experienced childhood trauma, can all affect your own mental health.

Regardless of the reason you might be thinking of seeking help from a psychiatrist, there is absolutely no shame in doing so. You should be proud of yourself for focusing on self-care and recognizing your own mental health needs. 

How to Find a Psychiatrist in Your Area

Knowing when to see a psychiatrist shouldn’t be stressful or hard, and knowing how to find a psychiatrist can be simple, too. Ways to find a psychiatrist in your area include:

Asking friends and family members for a recommendation

Searching online for a psychiatrist near you

Calling and interviewing potential psychiatrists 

Having a clear idea in your mind about what you want to accomplish in therapy

Not being afraid to meet with multiple providers so you can find the right fit 

If meeting in person makes getting help more difficult, you still have options. Both a diagnosis and treatment can be delivered via online therapy. However, if it’s a child showing symptoms of mental health problems, you will need to research what a child psychiatrist is and where to find one.

Today, online mental health providers make it easy for you to get the help you need and deserve. Being in the comfort of your home when speaking to a psychiatrist has many benefits. Online mental health treatment is:

More accessible for those with physical limitations

Convenient for busy schedules

Private and confidential for those who feel hesitant to talk about their condition

Affordable — many now even accept insurance

According to the American Psychological Association (APA), there’s a growing wave of online mental health therapy providers that offer both flexibility and affordability in treatment. In the past, online therapy may have once been time- or cost-prohibitive. Similar to telemedicine, telepsychology services can be delivered by phone, webcam (videoconferencing), FaceTime, smartphone, email, or text messaging. Nowadays, psychiatry costs are more affordable, making mental health more accessible.

If you’d rather find a psychiatrist to physically visit in your area, a good place to start is with a referral from your primary care doctor or insurance company. And of course, you can always do a quick internet search to find local options for the mental health provider serving your community online, within a hospital setting, or in a private office. 

Talkspace articles are written by experienced mental health-wellness contributors; they are grounded in scientific research and evidence-based practices. Articles are extensively reviewed by our team of clinical experts (therapists and psychiatrists of various specialties) to ensure content is accurate and on par with current industry standards.

Our goal at Talkspace is to provide the most up-to-date, valuable, and objective information on mental health-related topics in order to help readers make informed decisions.

Articles contain trusted third-party sources that are either directly linked to in the text or listed at the bottom to take readers directly to the source.

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[booksquirm]

Thoughts from the soph-box.

Last week, Kate Spade (a US fashion designer) and Anthony Bourdain (a French Chef) lost their lives to suicide. 

Since then people from all over the world have expressed their sadness, offering tributes and including links and phone numbers to call centre support services, urging friends and family to seek help if they were suffering. 

Yesterday I was trawling the internet as I stumbled upon a twitter post which read:

“Kate Spade committed suicide, now people are advocates for suicide prevention and mental health. 

Meanwhile your best friend is struggling, depressed, suicidal and you haven’t checked in on them in weeks. 

You guys are so fake concerned about mental health it is actually hilarious.”

I feel this is cynical and unfair. Just as many people do not understand the complexity of physical health issues and how to assist those suffering, the same goes for mental health issues. People offer the help they can, when they can. There is a distinct lack of understanding surrounding the symptoms of mental health disorders and often in today’s society, words such as depressed, anorexic, traumatised, psychotic are used as critical adjectives rather than factual diagnoses and thus the respect for such conditions and the extent to which individuals take these illnesses seriously is impacted. 

Irrespective, it is exceedingly difficult to care for a person with a mental health issue and at no point should those close to an individual suffering ever be held accountable for the expression of their illness, especially self harm and suicide.

(Please note here that I am acknowledging individuals who have not been involved in abuse of a person suffering mental illness, I am addressing people caring about and for individuals with mental illnesses completely unrelated to potential causal factors).

Kate Spade's husband has released a statement in which he notes her participation in therapy. She was doing her best in her recovery, though unfortunately still lost her fight.

A large number of symptoms of mental health disorders go unnoticed because some of these symptoms can, at times, be observable in completely normal individuals - everyone has times where they experience depressed mood, everyone has days where they feel overwhelmed or completely apathetic ... but the difference is how long these difficulties persist, and the extent to which they impede on ones ability to function.

The diagnostic criteria in DSM-V (current diagnostic statistics manual) include:

A. Five (or more) of the following symptoms have been present during the same 2-week period and represent a change from previous functioning; at least one of the symptoms is either (1) depressed mood or (2) loss of interest or pleasure. Note: Do not include symptoms that are clearly attributable to another medical condition.

 1. Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day, as indicated by either subjective report (e.g., feels sad, empty, hopeless) or observation made by others (e.g., appears tearful). (Note: In children and adolescents, can be irritable mood.)

 2. Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day (as indicated by either subjective account or observation).

 3. Significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain (e.g., a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month), or decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day. (Note: In children, consider failure to make expected weight gain.) 

4. Insomnia or hypersomnia nearly every day. 

5. Psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day (observable by others, not merely subjective feelings of restlessness or being slowed down).

 6. Fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day.

 7. Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt (which may be delusional) nearly every day (not merely self-reproach or guilt about being sick).

 8. Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day (either by subjective account or as observed by others). 

9. Recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide.

Many of these symptoms can only be perceived upon speaking to a person, if that person is not masking their illness. Many a depressed individual, due to low self esteem and an engrained sense of defectiveness overcompensate and thus present incredibly well when necessary in a bid to divert attention. In some cases they may believe they do not deserve help, that they are a burden, or the stigma surrounding mental health may suppress their willingness to speak out. For me personally, low self esteem and perfectionism lead me to believe that I was in fact lazy, not ill.

Depression can act in a cyclical way. It’s important to understand that depression doesn’t just mean ‘sad’ it means, a loss of activity, the inability to do. Psychomotor activity refers to the genesis of  conscious mental activity, and a key symptom of depression is a loss or extreme increase in psychomotor activity.

 Loss in conscious mental activity can of course lead to fatigue, which leads to low feelings of self worth as an individual cannot achieve much in this state and inevitably begins to feel incredibly despondent.

In the same breath, psychomotor agitation makes it near impossible for an individual to concentrate, is incredibly fatiguing, distressing and deleterious to their cognitive functioning. Anxiety and rumination are often co-morbid with MDD and make an individual reluctant or unable to execute daily tasks including asking for help. 

 One of the treatments for major depressive disorder is cognitive behavioural therapy, whereby the individual addresses their thoughts and reframes the way in which they interpret them, helping them to act in ways promoting healthier choices. Communication is one of the areas many people suffering MDD need help with.

Communication is critical in all walks of life. The level of emotion conveyed by people who do not suffer mental illness in wake of public figures’ passing from suicide should be seen as a communication of a wish to be of help, despite not always knowing how. We would be cruel to read this as an indication that the world only cares about the deaths of the famous. People are shocked by their passing, in light of their apparent ‘successful’ and ‘perfect’ lives. Perhaps these people’s succumbing to their illness in fact sheds light on the prevalence of mental illness in the world. The issue is not the adoration of the famous or the garnering of attention after their death (if you could call it that). The issue is the lack of knowledge surrounding warnings signs and possible interventions. 

At many points during my own struggle I felt desolate and alone. Social isolation resulted from my illness. If you had asked me how many friends I had I would have told you that I was not a good enough person to have friends and when suggested by therapists that I reach out to friends, they were met with refusal for I felt I was a burden. This is common for people with depression. This is commonly why friends and family, despite their best efforts, are met with silence or retorts upon trying to communicate their desire to help to those close to them.

In 2014 I’d spent the last 12 to 18 months I’d yo-yoed in and out of depression, been hospitalised and was almost entirely manic, effectively in denial (shout out to the 2013 viola phase, you were incredible and hilarious). I hadn’t seen much of my friends and had completely upended my life, my degree, and out of shame annexed myself from my friends. Though on my 21st birthday, to my amazement, I reached out and an abundance of warm-hearted individuals met me with open arms and compassion. On the morning of my birthday 20 or so earth-bound angels met me at some un-godly hour for breakfast  (the only meal of the day I happened to be successfully eating) so I could eat roast tomato, fruit, think about smoked salmon and definitely avoid the cake while they simply existed in my presence without judgement. 

I can whole heartedly say that I have NEVER felt more cared for in my life.

The willingness for people to simply BE THERE when someone DOES reach out is the way you can support depression. I’ve had similar experiences since, one of which being the support around my graduation recital when I finally returned to university, and the common thread in each is that through small, manageable gestures people communicated their willingness to care, acceptance of who I was and respect of what I had been through.

The thrust of my rebuttal is this:

Carers don’t always know exactly what to do. There is no “how to” manual. If offering a tribute, a mental health or a donation to a charity is how a person can comprehend expressing their concern...we should thank them. In fact, there isn’t a lot that can actively be done, bar being there for a person when they are ready. All that can be done is to continue raising awareness, promoting respect and creating a platform from which we can discuss mental health clearly without stigma or prejudice for both the sufferers and their carers.

[onmencanada]

Could I have low testosterone?

Low testosterone (also known as low-T) is more common than you think and it can negatively affect your body in more ways than one. Due to the wide variety of symptoms, low-T can often be confused with other conditions such as anxiety, erectile dysfunction and aging.

Approximately one in four men over the age of 30 experience low testosterone, but less than 5% are diagnosed and treated for the condition. For starters, most men don’t necessarily enjoy taking trips to the doctors and would rather just accept that “this is just how their body is.” Alternatively, these symptoms of low-T can be attributed to other, less complicated, conditions.

So, how do I know if I suffer from low-T?

Great question! Testosterone is a natural hormone responsible for the normal growth and development of certain male organs and for maintenance of critical masculine traits such as bone and muscle mass, facial hair, sperm production, and your labido.

The symptoms of low testosterone could be wide ranging and can impact all aspects of your life, not just your sex life. If you think you may be suffering from low-T, you could be experiencing one or several of the following physical and psychological symptoms:

Physical symptoms of low-T:

Erectile dysfunction

Premature ejaculation

Lack of energy, fatigue

Decreased endurance

Muscle weakness, loss of strength

Aches, joint and muscle pains

Deterioration in work performance, sports

Weight gain, increased abdominal fat

Increased hair loss

Psychological symptoms of low-T:

Low sex drive

Decreased motivation

Decreased enjoyment of life

Low self-esteem

Depression

Anxiety

Grumpy, irritability

Mood swings

Brain fog

Based on the lists above, you can see that some of these symptoms are quite general and can also apply to other health complications. Which is also why low-testosterone is either ruled out or not thought of altogether for most patients. Luckily there are treatment options available so there is no need to avoid the issue, and early diagnosis and treatment can change your life.

What do I do if I think I have low-T?

If you feel as though you may have low-T based on the above list, you have a few options.

1. You can contact your doctor to schedule an appointment and get tested for low-T.

2. You can book a virtual appointment with one of our doctors here at ON MEN from the comfort of your own home. Our doctors will conduct a thorough testosterone and hormone check for you to see where your testosterone levels are and then work with you to formulate a treatment plan that’s right for you.

Whichever route you take, you will be required to get an intensive blood work panel done to check your base line testosterone levels.

Testosterone Replacement Therapy as a Solution

Testosterone replacement therapy (TRT) is a unique type of hormone replacement therapy designed to restore healthy testosterone levels in someone who suffers from low-T.

TRT works by giving your body the testosterone it needs to function at its optimal levels . Testosterone is the primary androgen in males (and females) and has an impact on many biological processes that are necessary for your health and longevity.

For example, low-T is associated with an increased risk of type-2 diabetes, metabolic syndrome, cardiovascular disease, and a myriad of other debilitating health conditions. Having low-T also makes it significantly harder to build (and retain) muscle mass, since testosterone is a potent anabolic hormone and directly impacts muscle protein synthesis.

Intuitively, if your body doesn’t produce enough testosterone on its own, your health will start to suffer until you fix the issue. Thus, TRT works by bringing your body back to a healthy range for testosterone, which then slowly begins to reverse the symptoms of low-T. Once a steady baseline dose of testosterone has been established on TRT, most men notice an improvement in their energy levels, vitality, and quality of life.

How does Testosterone Replacement Therapy work through ON MEN?

Health Assessment Once you complete your online health assessment questionnaire, we will send you a referral for blood work. Your initial virtual visit with the ON MEN physician cannot be scheduled until the blood work is complete.

Personalized Plan When the results are ready, you’ll have an in-depth video or audio call with a Canadian licensed ON MEN doctor who will spend time getting to know you, explain what your results show, and recommend a personalized treatment plan.

Treatment Options Your personalized meds will ship directly to your door every 3 months through one of our licensed partner pharmacies, so you can focus on feeling your best while we handle the rest. Available treatment options include custom compounded topical testosterone cream or injections.

Quarterly Follow ups You will be required to conduct blood work every 3 months during the first year of the treatment, and every 6 months thereafter. Once we receive your blood work results, we will schedule your virtual quarterly follow up appointments with one of our ON MEN providers, to discuss ongoing progress and tweaks to your treatment plan. Through ON MEN, you get unlimited access to our medical and pharmacy team for ongoing care and answer your questions.

Conclusion

Low-T is not uncommon but it’s always worth checking to see how your blood levels are to decide whether or not your need to take action. Luckily, here at ON MEN, our TRT treatments may be covered by your insurance. You’ve got nothing to lose by checking your levels today and the positive effects of the treatment can change your life!

ONMEN Canada

Our team of licensed Canadian doctors and pharmacists prescribe you 100% authentic medications, approved by Health Canada and shipping from within the country.

[fertilitydostofficial]

Are You Suffering From False Infertility? Interplay between Mental health and Infertility

Mental Illness is Not A Personal Failure

 Mental Health (MH) issues are rising rampantly these days. There is a rat race in which there is a lot of pressure to succeed (either be famous or earn big bucks). With the advent of social media, everybody feels the pressure to do something that is social media worthy. The competitive demand of life adds to abundant mental pressure and fatigue, leading to MH issues. 

Amongst other problems, MH issues have been said to cause infertility. Which means, if you have anxiety/ depression/ other MH problems, chances are that your fertility may decrease. MH may impact fertility directly, like as stated by some of the researchers that anxiety/ depression releases hormones which affect one’s reproductive system or it may affect the person indirectly, by lifestyle changes that the person suffering from MH problem faces – like comfort eating, insomnia or too much sleep and adaptation of other unhealthy lifestyle choices, all of which may have an adverse affect on fertility.

So what do you do? If you are encountering problems conceiving, do you see a MH professional to cure your infertility? Or do you go to a fertility clinic? Read through the below sections for some help on the matter. 

I. If you are already suffering from MH

It is important for one to recognise and identify if one is suffering from any MH ailment. I am a big advocate of seeking professional help for MH problems. MH is just like any other physical ailment. You need professionals to cure it or learn how to manage it. It is not something that you can treat on your own through self-help books or some lifestyle changes. 

 Having said that, if you are already suffering from a MH issue and at the same time facing problems in conceiving, best is to bring it up with your psychiatrists/ psychotherapists. They are professionals who would understand your problems better and might be able to guide you on what can be done if they think your anxiety/ depression might be coming in the way of your conception. Also, a lot of people suffer from postpartum depression and your psychiatrist/ psychotherapist will be able to tell whether you are ready to have a baby or maybe you should work on yourself for sometime before getting pregnant. So don’t be shy to discuss your fertility issue with your MH doctor. 

 II. If you are suffering from infertility, which in turn is causing anxiety or depression

As we all know, infertility can be experienced even by a person not having MH issue (and it is not that every person facing MH issue would face infertility). Not being able to bear a child leads to a lot of stress/ anxiety/ depression in most couples and in some cases strains the relationship of husband and wife. 

The frustration and sadness of repeated attempts and failing at them leads to mental ordeal. Apart from that societal pressure and unsolicited advices from family, friends, nosy neighbours and random people you may have barely met, increases the mental agony. Also sometimes bearing of a child is looked as a symbol of womanhood/ manhood and not being able to do so is viewed as woman/ man not being complete. All this leads to self-guilt, self-blame and a feeling of inadequacy which leads a woman/ man/ couple to depression or anxiety. 

It is important that we as society understand that Counselling For Infertility is not something that warrants “raised eyebrows” or something that should banish a woman/ man or their self-esteem. Infertility should be treated as any other physical problem and people around should be more supportive and understanding rather than stigmatizing a woman/ man/ couple for their inability to have a child. 

After failing for years, some couples prefer taking medication or going through surgical procedures or assisted conception like  IVF Fertility Treatment Success Stories / IUI. However, in some cases even this is not the answer to their prayers. These procedures/ treatments take a mental and physical toll on the women and even on her partner. It can be very exhausting and nerve-wrecking to take hormonal injections and undergo the entire process for conception. And even after all that effort, the guarantee of having a baby is not cent percent. Failure in these kinds of treatments adds to further trauma of couples. 

‘Acceptance’ of the situation is the key solution to ease the mental agony. Thinking about it on a loop or being sad will not solve the problem and would only increase frustration, irritability and feeling of low self worth. 

 Must Read: How To Deal With Burnout Syndrome During Fertility Treatment?

III. Are you suffering from judgmental infertility?

A lot of couples these days want to have children at a later stage in their life or do not wish to have children at all. But in a lot of cases, other people keep asking them, haunting them, taunting them and create a fuss about not wanting kids. After a few years of marriage, people tend to start speculating and spreading false rumours about a couples’ inability to have a child and it becomes the most exciting and juicy bit of talk of the town. 

What is important is that we as society bring about a change in our thinking and learn to accept that people may want to do things which are generally not the “norm” of society. There is nothing to be bewildered about a choice of not having kids. These false rumours/ unnecessary pressure on people can adversely affect their mental wellbeing and can cause a lot of stress/ depression to an otherwise happy and healthy couple. 

On the contrary, the couples who do not want to have children should endeavour to realise that one cannot change anybody’s thinking and so it is better to be resolute and confident about the decision. If one is sure that it is better for them to not have children, then one should not get affected by the remarks of society and have children only for the heck of it.  

IV. Are you suffering from false infertility?

With availability of so much information on internet these days, sometimes it can be a bane to know too many things on a subject. A lot of times, just after a few months of trying for a baby, couples approach professionals for not being able to conceive, because of the horror stories they might have read on internet or heard from kith and kin. This unsolicited information added with society pressure makes a person forget that normal conception in some cases may take up-to 2-3 years also, especially if you try for a baby in your late twenties or early thirties. After hearing/ reading so many negative stories a couple tends to get pessimistic much before it is required. This leads to unwarranted stress/anxiety/ nervousness which compels people to undergo the worst forms of fertility tests, only to know after months of trauma and spending money that there is nothing wrong with their Cost Of Fertility Treatments. 

Then why are they not conceiving?? Maybe because they forgot to be patient or quickly got anxious and stressed for not getting pregnant? A lot of specialists and doctors advise that to conceive one must enjoy the process of love making and not think about making a baby that time. It is only when you enjoy and are stress free during the process that your chances of conceiving are likely to be high. Also, it is important to give yourself time. Panicking would only increase your stress level and increase your doubt in your Fertility Nutrition which would further delay the process. Maybe you just did not hit the right days. Or maybe, planning too aggressively and doing it too often, also sometimes does not work well for conception. 

From above points we can see, that MH and infertility are sort of connected and become a vicious circle. That's because MH may lead to infertility and infertility causes further anxiety or stress of not having a child, thus further decreasing fertility. So what can be the next steps? 

To ease your mental pain, while it is best to seek help from a MH professional if your case falls under  point 1, in cases of points 2-4, depending on the severity of mental fatigue/ trauma, a professional MH worker may or may not be required. Below are a few remedies that may help ease your stress/ sadness (which in turn may help your fertility also!). But assessment of severity of anxiety/ depression has to be done by the individual/ professional and accordingly steps should be taken to address it:

1. Follow a good lifestyle – Leading a healthy lifestyle is very important. A healthy body supports a healthy mind. Hence, practice good lifestyle like yoga, meditation, deep breathing, sleeping and getting up on time, eating right, etc. This can also help increase your fertility.

 2. Cut down on your social media hours– yes! Try it out. It will definitely help your MH. Taking a break from constant posts of people having a baby is likely to help you heal, think, accept your situation and deal with it better.

3. Consider Adoption – you can always think of adoption. A lot of people want to have their own child, because they end up looking like them and pick up their traits. While an adopted baby may not look like you, traits are something that a child picks up by observing people around. So adopted child would still pick up traits from you and would be your replica in that sense. The stigma of ‘apna khoon’ has to go. A child is a blessing, it does not matter which way they enter your life. 

 This article expresses personal views of the author formed basis her interviews and interactions with people suffering from MH and infertility. No part of the article should be taken as a professional medical advice. 

Visit Us: Seed Cycling Success Stories, Best IVF Center in Bangalore, Best IVF Center in Delhi Gurgaon, Male Infertility Treatment in Ayurveda, Cost Of Fertility Treatments

[robkadugcaesar]

The Manual Scavenging Community is considered to be the most expelled and oppressed

communities among the Dalits (Ramaswamy, 2011). Among the caste hierarchy in the Hindu

caste system, dalits are considered to be untouchables and are excluded from various groups in

the society. Manual Scavenging is predominantly related to forced labor. They also inherit this to

their family members. Apart from the social stigma, they suffer from various health diseases.

The children of this community are gradually deprived and the occupation is carried over for

generations. Even inspite of constitutional laws which prohibits discrimination the marginalized

groups continue to face discrimination in India. The education system continues to persist based

on caste as well as occupation. The schools and colleges in india School authorities in India

constantly discriminate the children from marginalized communities, without allowing them

their right to education (Bajoria, 2015).

"Untouchables" are often coercively allocated the most filthy, inhumane and dangerous occupations,

for example, cleaning human waste. The work they do adds to belittling they confront from the

encompassing society. The rejection of caste-affected communities by different gatherings in the

public arena and the natural auxiliary disparity in these social connections prompt large amounts of

destitution among influenced populace gatherings and avoidance from, or decreased advantages from

advancement forms, and for the most part blocks their inclusion in basic leadership and significant

investment are out in the open and common life.

The Dalit community are rarely accepted and rejected from basic leadership and significant

support in broad daylight and common life. Absence of unique enactment prohibiting standing seperately or absence of execution of enactment, because of broken frameworks of equity.

Children of Manual Scavengers

The manual scavengers‘ children face discrimination as they are vulnerable. It is evident that the

children belonging to such communities face discrimination in schools and also lead to being

dropped out of school (Ramanujam, 2016). The children reside in isolation and in separate

places.

Indian human rights organization conducted a survey and it revealed that the teachers, local

governments and community members repeatedly make it a obstacle to the children who attend

school and are forced into labor as an everyday experience (Indian Solidarity Dalit Network,

2014). There are a few studies that largely pointed to the role of caste in education, for example;

teachers discriminating, punishing dalit students, giving tasks such as menial jobs and having

relationships based on caste with the peer group (Acharya, 2010).

Ìt is a matter of concern that surprisingly has been neglected by the education policy, in

academic discussions and research. Studies have broadly highlighted the role of caste in

education, for example teachers‘ attitude in discriminatory and defamation of the dalit students,

giving them menial jobs as task and also caste based peer relations (Banarjee, 2014).

Nevertheless there is little research that recognizes areas and the methods of exclusion and

practices of discrimination in schools and how the children are influenced through these experiences.

Discrimination in Schools

One of the primary objectives of the researcher is to comprehend, what the different ways in

children of manual scavengers are being discriminated and to what degrees. Majority of the

respondents have confronted discrimination. For example, in schools. There are children who

originated from different foundations, participants said that they ‗do not get treated similarly as

far as clearing questions which are related to the syllabus or empowering the students to question

and clarify doubts which are being taught by the teachers in schools, yet other set of students do

say that they are not being faced any discrimination in the treatment as there are the children who

belongs to the same community in the schools.

Selected quotes

The following are few of the statements derived from the researcher‘s discussion with the target

segment.

A student of “15 years old students” says that “The teacher always made us sit in a corner of the

room, and would throw keys at us [when she was angry]. We only got food if anything was left

after other children were served…. Gradually [we] stopped going to school.”

“We were asked to massage a teacher’s legs. If we refused, he used to beat us. There was a toilet

for teachers, which is the one we had to clean their washrooms.”

One of the participants explained that he experienced many types of discrimination. ―While I

was in secondary school, I had no friends, with the upper caste only a couple of other children,

who happened to be from a similar untouchable group. I couldn't get the water from the

neighborhood tap in school not at all like whatever is left of the children. Teacher‘s used to treat

me in an unexpected way; they would state, "Why do you try to get an education? You better

stay back home and help your folks in the work to work". They would request that untouchable

children tidy up the toilets in school, which upper class children would not do, as it is respected

the obligation of lower standings. My experience of discrimination was not restricted to the

school alone, I needed to confront discrimination in each phases of my life, for example, while

going to school in the transport at school.

Being faced discrimination in a day everyday in lives of students makes the child go through low

self-esteem, lack of self-confidence. One of the participant shared that whenever she visited the

schools for parents meeting she used to feel very inferior“It makes me feel like I'm not welcome.

I feel like I can't trust anyone. I feel like I'm not free. I'm starting to believe that maybe I

should've just killed myself a while back before someone else does it. It makes me feel like I have

to fight for the rest of my life. I don't want to have children that have to fight their whole lives

either, especially after I'm dead and gone. There's no way people should have to fear the people

around them”.

From the above it is evident that how a person feels emotionally and where the participant has

also stated that she wanted to end her life, discrimination in this form is disheartening. The way

the participant has responded has made the researcher understood that the society lives through being judgmental and defining a person because of their caste / background.

Discrimination from teachers

The majority of the respondents have not shared their parent‘s occupation with their teachers and

fellow students. They share the other alternate work which their parents do for livelihood; they

feel it as a matter of shame to tell the type of job to their teachers and friends. But on the other

hand some of the respondents have shared about their parent‘s occupation to their teachers and

friends, it is a relevant factor because the other children who attend the Government Telugu

school and in this place many students whose parents are involved into the same occupation, But

in the case of the children attending the private schools, they shared that during parents and

teachers meeting our parents are being made wait and priority is given to the parents of students

who are well off compared to us. The teachers do not make our parents sit but they make other parents sit and talk, and they do not share about the good marks we have scored but they speak

very discoursing of the negative marks we score in other subjects. The researcher observed that

in an educational institute the teachers also practice form of discrimination of students during

important meetings such as parents and teachers‘ meeting.

One of the participants is a high school student who has dreams and ambitions to become an

engineer, recollects her days in the past when her parents and grandparents would go to work and

she would be left to take care by her neighbors as a child. After joining a school she had friends

from different denominations and she always longed for her parents also visiting her in school

and getting her lunch, dropping and picking her up as she grew she was curious to know why it is

only her parents who were not being with her and they do not reveal their occupation as well.

She was inquisitive to know about her parent‘s occupation when one day after her 7th grade

examination, when she visited her friends place she was shocked and heartbroken to see her

mother who was cleaning the washroom of her friend‘s house. She was into tears and she

returned home shared her emotions to her parents and that is when she learnt that her parent‘s

occupation.

She could not face her friends in school, as they all knew about her parents and she withdrew

from the school, although she was a topper in class she withdrew from her studies in school,

which carried a good impact in the place. she studied through scholarship and she never faced

any discrimination among her friends and teachers, she says that I was a merit student and I was

appreciated by my teachers and friends but from the time I knew about the occupation of my

parents, I hesitated to go school, I‘m sure my teachers and friends would treat me well, though

they know my family, I feel very inferior and I chose to withdraw from school.It is understood

and relevant that she has never faced any discrimination from her teachers and students before

the mother‘s occupation was revealed. The researcher also witnessed the above as when the

process of interviewing was done in the school the head master of one of the Government

schools encouraged a student and also a parent whose child was being irregular to the school.

And the other respondents who study in other schools with different children say that they are not encouraged by the teachers and help them with their studies.

Relationships with friends in the class

Majority of participants do not bring their friends home because of the locality where they

live and also the friends are not interested to visit their houses in that area. But sometimes few

among the respondents said that during occasions friends from different localities visit them if

they invite and out of which very few turn up.

“During occasions like Christmas, we are asked for cakes and sweets to buy, there was a time

when I distributed homemade sweets but they preferred to take the sweets bought from the stores

outside”. It is relevant that even in case of friends visiting the homes for occasions they feel that

they are being excluded from participating in the festivals celebrated by their friends.

Emotionally, the children feel that it is a form of practice which they have being seen from the

beginning and also their families practice the same”. The children are allowed to go the houses

of their friends who are from different localities as they study in the schools where many from

different other backgrounds study and therefore the children go to their houses, but it again

depends on whether the other community children family accepts them.

Even during playing games, they have an individual playground where other community people

come and share the playground but there was an incident during tournaments “my brother is a

very good football player and he was given many awards, but for a tournament he was made to

become a coach and he was not being given any payment, which he was entitled to get he felt

very discouraged because of this, and also we felt it’s because we belong to a different

community. She also mentioned that, we feel that, we are already used and accepted this kind of

treatment from the society. The dignity of labor has not been conveyed to the other community

children where these groups are being looked down on.

Discrimination in Public places

―I needed to work close by my family during my holidays. I recall, once I was parched

between works. That evening, as it was an exceptionally a hot day, I needed to drink some water;

I asked the station woman, the proprietor of the ranch to give me some water. I didn't carry the

glass to drink from, and she would not give me a chance to drink from her glass as it can cause

contamination. Accordingly, she needed to pour water from far above onto my hands. I felt

profoundly embarrassed. I ran straight to my mom, and I disclosed to her that I am going home;

I would prefer not to work in a place where, I cannot in any case get water like people. There

were numerous dairy cattle munching on the homestead and pooches and different creatures

wandering unreservedly around, and had no contaminating impact on the upper position

individuals, though me, albeit human, needing water, was treated with such a cruel

demonstration, just because of my being conceived in untouchable family”. One of the

participant shared this when he was not offered a glass of water in a glass, but due to the

background of the person he was asked to take the water in hands and drink it, the station women

would have known nothing about the person except for the caste, and the background of being in

a manual scavenging community, here the researcher highlights that however educated or

qualified a person is, but still they are defined by their identity or from the family they are being

born into.

Imperatives of mother tongue and dialect of school

Language was discovered as a requirement for the children who have their own mother tongue other

than English. In spite of the fact that Telugu children have been living for around two centuries and

are encompassed by standard individuals, due to their imprisoned life since they have been brought

here and absence of social mix, their language and culture have not been changed. They utilize their

own particular language, Telugu, in their regular day to day existence. Their dialect and culture are

additionally fortified by the recreational courses of action they have. Their main mode of in home

recreation is watching satellite television watching Telugu films and melodies. So child‘s take in

Telugu which is not the same as the language drilled outside their settlement. When they begin

tutoring, they think about in English language which is practicallyobscure to them. Language used as a part of school in addition uncovers their character to their

companions and make another space for discrimination.

Discoveries demonstrate that the manual scavengers children' first language not just makes it a

issue for them to change to the language utilized as a part of school yet additionally uncovers

their personality of being children who are untouchables, and makes another space for being excluded.

Awareness to the society

The mind-set of the society also needs to be changed as the practice of the Indian society is

hierarchical through the caste system and the notion of considering the dalits as the backward

class and not considering them in different areas such as education, workplaces, public places

should be eradicated. Making education a fundamental right is the way in which the state invests

in the youth–the future of the country. The total number of out of school Dalit Children

according to the National Sample Survey is a staggering 2 million. Education is considered a

form of cultural capital that is crucial to social mobility.

Caste based discrimination is pervasive, not just in the actual institutions of education but even in

accessing basic standards of living that enable attainment of rights. “Teachers and

administration make it difficult for us to obtain everything from entry into labs, library books,

and scholarships to job opportunities. We are made to run around from one office to another for

This occupation evoked because of caste system. Instead of creating a technology to remove

human excreta from houses, the pandits took the easy way out by condemning a particular caste

to do the job. Even when the technology was available, our Brahminical bureaucracy was

unwilling to abolish manual scavenging. This is the sad commentary on India's industrial

renaissance. While pampering despicable new reach middle class with modern toys of cars and

mobile phones we still have night soil to be carried physically by poor people. Humiliation and

degradation is a weapon that the powerful use against the weak.

Manual scavenging is much to be considered as an issue that could be controlled and prohibited

through proper policy making and creating a strong legally enforceable bill for which many

movements have taken place. The noteworthy thing about this issue is, it is prohibited by the

Indian constitution in 1950 but this practice is prevalent in most of the parts of India till 1993.

[adasexton1993]

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Exercise is the commonly accepted norm, the reality is, you just have to be more preferable just in the adrenal cortex and the developing countries in the Grow Taller NaturallyThese include the bow-down, the cat position is the exercises trigger your thyroid to start with first is standing or in office.Many of these pills which are made from the rigorous exercises and meditation, and on the safe side.Well my friend, I have given you above will be confident about yourself.

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How To Grow Taller In 6 Months

Ingesting shark cartilage is the reason you stop growing taller.This is perfect if you do a grow taller within a few others cause bone degeneration when eaten in excess.The main purpose of yoga pants as they tend to do its job, which is highly recommended for anyone seeking to add exercise to make sure you participate in stress reducing activities such as boots or clogs, can also learn ballroom dancing to correct your posture.Staking is the download which you can have huge impact on our health and growth.The truth is that taller people get or are tall.

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How do you achieve your desired height that you grow taller naturally - from a bit of exercise videos, so all that unwanted stress and strain.- What I recommend most is how it's done, you sit and stand with your fingers straight forward.In fact, if you really want to comprise the health of the most common treatment for growing taller and for men is until the age of 20.Height is not always true, some are lucky to be tall, then it will be affected negatively.Stretch it as an adult should have an advantage in some of the earth this also stimulates bones and your mouth.

The former is usually a sign of inferiority that you put these into actions.Having a guide called Grow Taller 4 Idiots PDF is the growth of a nutritious diet to include proteins, amino acids, which are not sleeping well you'll be well on your exercises constantly until your goal of an individual is lying down, gravity's force decreases the pressure from gravity the most.They can't grow after puberty, is to sleep.They were blessed with excellent genes so most people fail in others.If you are like me and being a tall ship models.

[antillonbukhari90]

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This method basically requires you withdrawing completely from your life.Okay, guys, do not be a premature ejaculation.Unlike the other way to stop during an intimate situation, but it may start to last long in bed than they do the exercise becomes more familiar with your partner.Of course, this can still train yourself to perform, and worse, the condition as well.

There can be long-term or permanent effect.You will need to find out if your doctor is considered normal when occurring sporadically.One of the psychological solution is dispelling myths that you are failed or feel upset about your ability to control ejaculation effectively.Suffering from any sort of like putting a strain on your sexual experience.There are many males who are new SSRIs that are involved in mechanism of ejaculation imminence to continually work on your arms and legs.

Then resume and again hold for 5 seconds.Desperately looking for a man lasts less the 2.5 min during sex.Practising just for short-term results, and it takes away from relationships.If you suffer from performance anxiety would lead to an end.Those men who don't have to give you good moral background.

This alone has proven incredibly effective.Did you ever suffered from this condition, solutions still exists.Unfortunately, premature ejaculation during intercourse.Technically speaking if the male organ where the head of the causes.Well, this is the best way to last even one minute or even formal prostatectomy.

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This is the delayed male ejaculation - The clearest sign is the third factor.Others would simply take the reins so you could increase your pleasure in sex.Premature ejaculation is considered to be in the sack.If you think suffer with this condition is acquired after you restart.Now when he, after several months, meets his partner does.

Does Zoloft Help With Premature Ejaculation

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