#we spent our childhood and some of adulthood together

[discovering-myself-here]

12 May, 2024

Good byes are indeed tough

[archaiclumina]

I am sappy atm and this post will likely not stay up forever, because I am nothing if not notoriously fickle about sharing facts about my life with the old world wide web. But, I miss my brother and I wanna talk about him. The rest is under the cut <3 to avoid upsetting folks. tw include cancer and death

I truly do believe the dead only die when we forget to remember them. And while I remember my brother all the time, I rarely talk about him with strangers on the internet. But today, I want to. So I will tell you a bit about my brother, and share some of my family photos with you all!

People in my day to day life, and a few online friends who have gotten to know me really well, (and some folks who saw a post kinda like this one but a bit sadder at the start of the month you guys know who you are c':), already know how much I love my brother. He is gone now, but that doesn't stop me loving him at all. I speak of my love for him in present tense, because it didn't die when he did. Nearly every day I see or learn something that I wish I could share with him and tell him about. I wish I could tell him that David Byrne made new music with Montaigne. Or show him the Monster Hunter Rathalos Telecaster that Fender released. I wish I could tell him I got into my PhD! Because life is strange and maybe a little bit ironic, I found out about the approval for my PhD proposal on his birthday this year, so maybe in some strange universal way he does know about these things, even if I can't tell him. I like to think of it that way sometimes and sometimes, it is comforting to think that might be the case. But most of the time I am cold, and hard, and logical. I know my brother doesn't know anything anymore, because he is dead now. In those moments, I remind myself it's my job to learn about the things he loved still, to keep him close in an abstract way. I suppose in another way, it's also my job to tell other people about the things he loved, and the sort of person he was, to keep his memory alive. And I guess that is why I am writing this essay thing right now.

My brothers name was Marco. I used to call him Marcy. When I was 5 I apparently explained to him this was because "Marc" was for short, and "Marcy" was for long c': His friends called him pumpkin seed <3

My brother was 12 years my senior. We didn't really grow up together. Our home life was not great and he was a homeless youth due to those circumstances. But despite our big age gap and the fact neither of us got to spend our childhoods together, we were probably as tight as sibling could be in adulthood. We saw each other regularly, we texted regularly, we went to the movies together, went shopping together, we browsed second hand bookshops and scoured for occult classics from AE Waite, or epic fantasy from Le Guin. We sat on the grass in the park and looked up at the trees and he could tell me their names just by looking. My brothers love for plants is a huge part of why I worked plants into Oli's character concept tbh.

He was the person there for every important milestone. Graduation, birthdays, all that stuff. Funny story, digital cameras didn't exist when I turned sixteen and my bro spent a whole evening snapping pictures of my birthday with the lens cap on c': we don't have any photos from that birthday, but the memory of discovering all the blank photos when we developed them still makes me laugh a lot c: Here's a picture of us the day I graduated from my Masters.

I get emotional to look at it because you can see how happy I am and how proud he is of me. He always told me he was proud of me, I am sure most, if not all, big brothers are like that. And I know he would still be proud of me today if he was around, but gosh, wouldn't I give anything to be able to hear him say it again in the flesh instead of just in my memories. He was so supportive of me, and my dreams, "I never want you to stop writing," he used to say to me, I really wish I could tell him the book I was working on when he was sick is not only going to get read by people, it's going to form an entire academic work on the journey of authorship in the digital age.

When he was dying of pancreatic cancer, he was really adamant he needed to take lots of selfies for us all of him being silly, and joking around, often with silly snap chat filters, so no matter what, we'd remember him that way. Here are some examples of the ones he would send us c':

He was an amazing self taught guitarist. One of my favourite things in the world was listening to him learn a song by ear. He would pluck his way through it, learning the notes perfectly for each bar of the tune. Like my husband, metal was his main love, but he also was eclectic in tastes like me. He loved that "Enter the Ninja" song by Die Antwoord so much it's what we played when they cremated him. We made a playlist together when he was dying so I'd always have music to remember him by and he asked me to put on Betty by Taylor Swift because "it's a nice melody". He was a man of diverse and discerning tastes c':

When he was dying, his muso friends all brought their amps and instruments around, and our neighbours in our apartment complex were all beans who never complained once about the noise. (Obviously we had explained the situ before we let a bunch of metal heads rock up with marshall stacks c': ) Here's a photo of him playing just after the selfie he took during his chemo that I posted above!

He was the best and coolest brother I could have ever asked for. Even though his life was so hard, he was nothing but gentle and compassionate. He taught me how to be kind to others. Please know that every time I am writing a nice tag on your stuff, it's because he showed me how important it is to do that. The way he lived and the way he died taught me to say the kind words, to tell people how you feel, to take chances to connect with others, because time is so, so short, you know?

Sorry to maybe be a bit of a downer to folks, I know it's not great to hear about people dying of cancer. But he was so special to me, and I miss him a lot and it's been four years without his laugh and his jokes, and four years without him telling my husband he is the best cook, and four years without him asking me "where's my zucchini bread!?" (He was a vegetarian for nearly all his life and very fond of zucchini in just about every form you can cook it c': )

My husband knew my brother since he's known me, they were great friends, even before we dated, when we were just neighbours! (yeah my husband used to be my neighbour, but that's another story c': ) My brother and my husband were so tight they used to hang out together when I was living in the USA!

Here's the three of us together in October 2020 at a cool nature spot near where we used to live. He was so sick he couldn't go far from home really, but this place was super close and had a Japanese garden there too, which he loved, because I love Japan. We had a picnic there by the river the day we took this photo, it was about two weeks before we found out the treatment hadn't helped his prognosis and he only had two weeks left. Actually they told him he had a week left, but my brother was a resilient mother fucker and outlived their estimate by an extra seven days!

I know my husband misses him as much as I do. He was like a brother to him too. An unofficial brother-in-law, because he could only be there in spirit on the official day.

Boopoween day was an amazing blessing, I usually spend Halloween looking at photos like these and crying. But for the first time in a long time, I spent the day laughing and feeling connected to the world, instead of all alone with my grief. So thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who indulged all my silly spam boops that day. You really don't know what a gift you gave me. Halloween was our favourite holiday, it's another really strange, and ironic, and hard thing to deal with, that he died on that day. His birthday was October 2nd too, so the whole month is a bit of a write off for me honestly and why I don't spend much of it on socials.

This past few days my husband decided he would put some positivity into the universe and use his talent to do some nice things for people because he thought it was something my bro would have liked, and because it is nice when you're feeling sad to find a way to make someone else smile c: and, It really made both of us smile to see how happy everyone was with his little gifts, so thank you all!

And thank you for reading a little bit about my brother. It was nice for me to share some stuff about him with folks <3

[girl-named-matty]

My last paper - Matty Ambrose

synopsis ✧ Matty is closing in on her final year of Hogwarts. For her last assignment in Professor Weasley's class, she's been asked to write a paper about herself. It can be anything as long as it has something to do with her. So without spilling all the secrets of her diary, she jots down some of the most important things in her life.

word count ✧ 2.5k

a/n ✧ This is my entry for the HL edition of my November writing prompts. Week one "Backstory". Hope you all enjoy!

"Well, this is my last paper I’ll ever write for school.

Three years have gone by all too fast. I’m in my last week of school at Hogwarts. For our last assignment, Professor Weasley asked us to write a paper on ourselves. About things we know, we remember, etc.… So really, just about anything as long as it was about us.

She said it was a good way to reflect on our past before we step into adulthood and the real world. And it’s just for us; we don’t have to show anybody if we don’t want to. I’ll probably have to stop a few times during this paper to go cry my eyes out, but who knows?

Hello, I am Matthew Loraine Ambrose. Yep, my name is Matthew, and I really like the name, to be honest. Although I’ve gone by “Matty” my whole entire life, if you call me Matthew, I’ll probably be terrified of you for a few moments since the only time someone uses my real name is my parents when they’re upset at me—which doesn’t happen often. But just be warned.

I was named after my paternal grandfather. My grandfather Matthew. I never met him, as he died before I was born. But after his death, my Da always swore he’d name his first child after his father.

Well, I’m the first and only child in my family, so I was the one that ended up with the name. I’d get teased for it whenever someone found out it was my real name, but honestly, I don’t care much. I think it’s a good way to honor the family member I never got to meet.

I was born in Dublin, Ireland, on April 26th, 1875. I grew up right beside my mother's side of the family—we lived right next to each other as neighbors. So I grew up surrounded by my aunts, uncles, cousins, and my mother's parents. It was the best start to my childhood that I could ever ask for. Near the people I loved the most who I knew loved me.

I often remember visiting my Nana and Granda’s house, sitting around their big stone fireplace with my cousins. I spent every Christmas there.

As for my grandmother, my parents and I tried to visit her as much as we could. She lived a bit away from Dublin, in Carlingford, Ireland. It was only her living in that little old house. I could tell she was lonely since my grandfather passed, but she always had the biggest smile on her face. Eventually, she did actually end up leaving Carlingford to come live with my mum’s side of the family.

My Mum and Da grew up together, so naturally, the families knew each other. Grandfather and Grandmother only left Dublin after my Da was grown and married. So it was no surprise that after she was left alone, she moved back. Both sides of my family are close, so they see each other as family blood related or not. I miss them a lot ever since leaving Ireland.

As for my friends, growing up, I had a really good friend named Declan. His family lived near mine, and he was always obsessed with my Granda’s boat—which is how we met. He wanted to grow up and become a sailor. Almost eighteen years later, I was told he finally did become one, and he’s somewhere out there on the ocean.

Declan and I did almost everything together. He was a bit of a delinquent, to be honest, but he was fun, and my parents thought he was a good kid, just a little misguided. Apparently he liked me at the time, and looking back, I probably liked him too. But we were just too young to understand what that was. I’m sure he’ll meet some wonderful person out there who’s capable of handling his personality, if you understand what I mean, of course.

He had brown hair that was always messy. I don’t think I remember a single time it looked neat. He had freckles all over his face. And for some reason, his appearance said a lot about him.

(At this point in my paper, I had stopped to show it to my best friend Hope. She told me I had a “type” in men, and I think that was just her way of calling Sebastian a delinquent. Should I be offended?)

Anyway, I still consider him to be my first best friend. We had a lot of good times together. I do hope he’s doing well out there.

My Da is a carpenter, and he likes to “invent” (as he calls it) all these little trinkets and things. He’s quite the intelligent man, really, and they are honestly quite useful. But his main job is carpentry. When I was seven, my Da and his business partner, Mr. Athy, wanted to expand their business opportunities. That ended up in them deciding that London would be the best place for them to go.

The business move was sponsored by Mr. Athy’s aunt, Alice Hammond, who lived in London. To be honest, she’s the scariest woman I’ve ever seen in my life. The business was dependent on her for the first two years but eventually broke out of that, and it's very successful now. Mrs. Hammond still seems entitled to our lives though—I don’t think that’s something we’ll ever escape.

Moving to London was quite hard. I spoke English, so that was no problem. But I still had a thick accent and hadn’t yet adapted to the area around me. Not to mention—being from Ireland—I wasn’t exactly sure how people would treat us.

We moved in next to a family of the name McGowan, and they came over to meet us that same day. They had a daughter my age, Hope (who I mentioned earlier). When we first met, she could hardly understand what I was saying because of my accent, yet she took the time to listen to me anyway. From that day on, we were best friends.

Ironically, I ended up finding out my best friend was a witch only because we bumped into each other on the first day of school when I finally attended Hogwarts. I had always found it quite weird how she went off to a school miles away for several months every year, but I never questioned it. Then I found myself at the same school years later. It was surprising, to say the least. Especially because I had no knowledge of the wizarding world until I was fifteen years old.

While in London, I also made friends with two girls named Eugenia and Nora. They are two of my close friends from home. All of these people in my life have helped me shape into the person I am today.

When I was fifteen, a man of the name Eleazar Fig showed up at my doorstep. I was terrified, to say the least. I had found the acceptance letter mere moments before he knocked on the door to my house—I freaked out mentally. I didn’t know how my parents would react. He was already inside by the time I had gathered my senses.

But my parents didn’t freak out; in fact, they were extremely supportive of me. It was surprising, that’s for sure, but truly they wanted me to do what made me happy.

I stayed in London for one more month while Professor Fig mentored me and taught me the basics of the Wizarding World and the magic therein. I love reading, but I don’t think I’ve ever read so many books in one month before then—it was a lot.

Then it came time for me to actually go to Hogwarts. Usually, students go on this train called “The Hogwarts Express,” however, Fig and I—and a friend of his, George Osric—traveled by flying carriage. Now that was an experience for sure. Long story short, I could definitely see Thestrals by the time we made it to the school.

The first day brought a lot of change in my life—most of it I wasn’t expecting, or at least thinking that it’d make that big of an impact on my life. I met many wonderful people, but just to name a few—

I met a boy named Sebastian Sallow, and the first thing I ever did was beat him in a duel. He’s now my boyfriend of almost two years, and we’re planning on getting married whenever the opportunity shows itself. I met a boy named Garreth in my common room. He was a bit silly to me at first, but now he’s dating my best friend. I’m hoping the safe side of his creative genius will rub off on their kids.

I met my dormmates, Nellie and Natty. Those two girls have helped me through more than they think. I could always go to them if I needed. And as I mentioned earlier, I bumped into my best friend that day as well.

Soon after, I met Esme, who has taught me a lot in the three years I’ve known her. Ominis, who has had the hardest life out of us all and yet still cares so much about others. He was a bit intimidating at first—after all, the first time I met him, he was yelling at me, but he was sweet after I got to know him for a bit. And if I remember correctly—Esme was yelling too. But she was yelling at Sebastian for stealing her diary. I suppose those two really are a match made in heaven.

Other friends I met are Leander, Amit, Zerena, Poppy, Cressida, Adelaide, and even a girl named Imelda, who I honestly clashed with for a while, but we’re surprisingly good friends now. She started respecting me only after I became Gryffindor’s Quidditch Captain, and honestly, I’m not even mad for it taking that long. It’s just cool that I’ve earned that.

It’d take all the paper in Hogwarts for me to write down every friend I’ve made and their impact on my life, so I’ll try to keep this brief. But truly, I think coming here has been the best decision ever. My mentor and professor, Eleazar Fig, unfortunately passed away before the end of my starting year here. That hit me harder than anything, but his death encouraged me to keep going even after he was no longer here. He wished for me to do so to make sure that Hogwarts was protected, so I did just that.

Many of the other professors here have taught me many wonderful things and important life lessons. I truly believe each and every one of them cherishes their jobs and their students (well, maybe besides Professor Black, but that’s a different discussion), and that’s what makes the school how it is.

In summary, the past three years were crazy. I went from some random girl in London who didn’t know what she wanted in her life to the “Hero of Hogwarts,” who knew exactly what she wanted to do and pursue.

I fought and defeated Ranrok, Rookwood, and Harlow all in one year—not to mention the countless other things I was doing for other people. My sixth year at Hogwarts consisted of me doing mass research of Isidora Morganach after meeting her last descendant, which was crazy even of itself, and then I was betrayed by that descendant later that same year. What a time to be alive.

This year has arguably been the craziest year of my life. I used to think not much could compete with my fifth year, but I guess the universe decided to take that as a challenge. Because of Apollo opening the repository and trying to kill me—it left me with no choice but to take the magic myself to ensure that it was kept in good hands. I’d do whatever needed to be done in order to keep it safe.

I unfortunately got the blunt end of it—nightmares, sickness, insomnia, exhaustion, and so much more. And at points in time, I didn’t even have control over my own body, which led to ���me” doing some horrible things.

I faced off with a psychopathic escapee from Azkaban whose only mission in life was to kill me—basically, her interesting "lover" second in command who pretended to be my professor, two of Ominis’ older brothers—one who blackmailed me into helping him put the other into prison and the other who was working with Leona (the psychopathic Azkaban escapee) who was also trying to kill me.

So, pretty much everybody had it out for me this year. Yet miraculously, I’m alive.

But regardless of how many things happened this year, good was still present. My relationship with Sebastian has never been stronger. I truly want to spend the rest of my life with this man. He spends every day of his life getting better, making up for his past, and setting up for a good future. My friendship with many others is very strong too, especially those who were by my side all year.

Anne—Sebastian’s sister, who has been cursed for many years now—was finally cured. She’s still recovering, as the cure was only a reversal of the curse, but she’s doing much better. She’s happy now, a smile on her face almost all the time. I never realized just how much she and Sebastian looked alike until recently.

Oh, I—and the both of them—met their aunt. Yes, the one everybody thought was dead. Even through all the crazy things that happened to me this year, I still think that’s the craziest.

I feel like I’m dragging on here, but this paper hardly captures just everything that’s happened in my life—mainly in the past three years. Luckily, I have diaries for that.

But in conclusion, no matter how hard it’s been, coming to Hogwarts has been the best decision I’ve ever made. I’ve learned so much, met lifelong friends, met my future husband, and already have my future career set up for me. It’s bittersweet to say goodbye, especially since I only got to spend three years here instead of the usual seven, but nonetheless, I’m lucky that I made it.

I’m a better person than I was then. I’ve saved lives, helped others, and now that’s my mission in life. To continue to help others with the gift I have. Professor Fig once told me that this magic just doesn’t come to anybody who wants it and that it's given to those who will do good with it. He pretty much gave me an assignment for life right then and there, and I took it up.

Even if life is hard and sometimes it feels like I want to give up, I know that it was all worth it to keep trying.

And regardless of all the things I’ve gone through, at least my kids will think I’m cool. :)"

[el-moscorrofio-y-el-mercachifle]

Hiii, so… Do you have any theories about the characters' childhoods? 🤣 I know this is a bit of a strange question but let me explain:

I really believe in that speech that says: "everything starts in childhood." and depending of several factors, it shapes our personality. I somehow believe that Mario came from an almost totally unstable home (emotionally or maybe even financially), I can't explain why I think this but I simply do. I also believe that during his childhood, Daniel took on the role of father to his own sisters in some way, or a very protective figure (which he actually is). You can see that he almost always tries to please his sisters (except when it comes to Armando lol), he brings candy to Marcela, listens to her attentively, protects her... And when he is with Maria Beatriz (even though he doesn't really like going out with her), when he does go out, he does everything she wants. Have you noticed that she can easily convince him? It's just a detail that I noticed.

If you have any theories, can you please share them with us? It can be just about the main characters like Armando, Betty, Marcela, Hugo, Patricia, Mario, Daniel... Would be very interesting!!!

Hiii!!

I totally agree with you. I'm also of the belief that everything starts in childhood! So I have a few hc reagrding all their lives. Some of these I've mentioned them before, tho!

I will forever prefer the idea that the Valencias' parents died when their kids were still young, because it makes sense for them

Marcela and Daniel, as the two older, remember their parents the most

Marcela, as a daddy's girl, was his the hardest and probably took refuge mainly in Armando, leading to that dependency later on

I totally agree that Daniel unconsciously probs took the father's role, although I also think that it'sexactly because he was so young and so mentally unprepared for it why he's a bit emotionally stunted and detached. He loves his sisters, but it's also stated that he rarely ever contacts them, and probably doesn't aprove of their life choices. It's a strange type of distant affection and protection, but he nonetheless loves them above anyone else and sees it as his duty to protect them, mainly Marcela

Beata was so young wheb the parents died that she basically grew up with no real emotional attachment, which is why she doesn't care about Ecomoda at all.

Daniel doesn't care about Ecomoda either because he's pretty detached to all things regarding his parents, probably because of the same trauma of losing them and basically stepping into his dad's shoes.

All the kids probably spent most of their childhoods at Ecomoda. Canonically we know Marcela did, so I'm inclined to believe that so did the others

Beata probably started with the surgeries pretty young, as a cnsequence of growing up in a pretty superficial world

Marcela gives me the vibes of havj g gone through some depressive episodes throughout her adolescence and early adulthood, probably due to herparents' absence

Margarita and Susana were probably not very close to their kids when they were little, as we know they traveled a lot, so probably all of he kids were closer to their dads.

Armando was def a trouble maker since he was a child, and the version we know (before the embargo) is probably much calmer than how he was in his early adolthood and late teens

Daniel was probably the first one to move out as soon as he could, looking for space and independence

Calderón definitely was from a problematic home. Probably the type where the mom and dad fight very often, lougly and aggressively in front of the kids but never divorced

Calderón probably wishes they had done so

I also hc that they are dead. Calderón says when talking to Patty that some families have the horrible ideas of burying marriage partners together, so I'm guessing Calderón's siblings decided to bury his parents together even though they hated each other while alive

He was probably one of those very calm and seemingly "mature" little kids, which is why he was probably his parents' secret confidence. He says that marriage is what makes two happy people unhappy, so he likely knew his parents were happy before getting married, which I wouldn't doubt one of his parents told him directly along with the advise to never marry

Even still, he probably tried once or twice to go through a more traditional route, probably more out of societal custom than anything-- he mentions he tried simulating marriage, meaning that he went to live with one of his girlfriends some time, but he never liked it for long

Nicolás probably got beat up many, many times since very little for defending Betty

He was also probably beat up since little because Betty tried defending him, too. You know how badly it used to be seen for a boy to be defended by a girl

Nicolás' family likely went through a very, very difficult time economically when he was young. It's canon hus dad abandoned him, so that probably meant that his mom struggled a lot to support him, so most likely this is how he started the habit of going to the Pinzon's house for food

Patty's mom was likely like her, and she probably instilled those same materialistic and golddigging ideas in her

She was definitely spoiled rotten! And was daddy's little girl until practically the beginning of the show. She also gives me the vibe of having a dad that is pretty physically distant, so he replaces hugs and kisses with gifts

Hugo was probaly very bullied. He grew up in the 80s, so it's likely he was bullied for being gay, which is why he developed this bully persona and doesn't take shit from anyone. This is very common from people who were bullied, now they bully too because they suffered so much (not a judtification, tho)

He mentions he economically supports his mom, but doesn't mention his dad. My guess is that either his dad left them when young (unfortunately also very common) or they're very distant (also very common for dads when they notice their sons are a bit feminine...)

Armando and Marcela likely hesrd a lot of not so subtle hints that they should be together, to the point that it probably got ingrained on them that they HAD to be together in order to make their parents happy

Which was also a bit weird because they also basically "share" parents and Marcela admits they tried to raise them as siblings

Still, Margarita and Roberto probably coddled the Valencias much more than they did their own kids in an effort to sort of subconsciously make up for the Valencia's loss

This probably led them to be more focused on them than their own kids, which is why bith Armando and Camila were very rebellious, except that Camila was able to see through the BS much mkre clearly so she distanced herself from it all

Armando, on the contrary, struggled with both rebelling and also trying to make his dad proud

So these are just a few headcanons! I hope I didn't repeat myself too much from other times 😂 thanks for the question!🥰🥰🥰

[pendragonsclotpole]

i’ve watched the first three episodes of the pjo series and then decided to wait. ostensibly this is because once season one is done i can binge it all in one go like i read the book, but i have a confession to make. i can’t stand to watch it.

hear me out: i read these books when i was in grade school. tlt? fifth grade. the rest of the original series? powered me through sixth grade and into seventh. hoo? eighth grade and first year or two of high school. i was a baby. percy jackson and his friends were either my age or older than me and doing shit i could not even comprehend.

i’ve seen a lot of discourse online about the changes made in the show and how they don’t align with how some fans remember the books, and i think that criticism perfectly echoes my feelings on this series. when i read pjo, i saw myself in the characters and saw my interactions with people older than me in their interactions with adults or older characters. case in point sally and luke.

i’m gonna have to make another post about my feelings for show!sally vs book!sally (tldr: book!sally reminds me of how i thought of the adults in my life and their complicated relationships with other adults as a kid, show!sally shows me that things were never so clear cut, surviving/being a survivor is mastering how to balance on a tight tope into adulthood, and sometimes the monsters we remember from our childhoods are a lot more pathetic than we ever realized. don’t even get me started on how i spent my whole life thinking of sally as a woman in her late twenties/early thirties with nothing in her life put together. seeing her in the show was a slap to the face for that notion, because sally seems so much older, but also so much closer to my age than percy in terms of maturity if not actually and what does that mean for me?)

but now about luke. jfc he looks so young. i think it was so easy to demonize luke because he was older, described as college aged, and perfect and popular and a mentor. he felt so responsible, so caring that the betrayal from him in tlt felt so much worse because as a reader i inherently related to percy, annabeth and thalia.

but growing up is realizing i’m now older than book!Luke in tlt and if i was faced with the loneliness of not having at least one good parent, i might be just as bitter as him. heck i do have one good parent, and i think i’m just as bitter as him about somethings. i’m older than him and somehow still feel so much younger. and also, show!luke’s actor is so young looking! i didn’t expect that to be such a hard pill to swallow, realizing the actor is actually 19 made me want to roll up into a ball and cry because fuck, did i look that young at 19??? i’m still in my early 20s, but somehow you do so much growth in the span of those years that just blows my mind. it isn’t fair and it feels like loss and at the same time, i think i understand why rick riordan and the rest of the writing/production team made the choices they did. on the one hand, they could have stuck to the books as faithfully as possible and recreated word for word the story we remembered from when we were kids, but on the other hand, they had the chance of portraying the story as it was and now would be now that we’re the grown ups.

i’m gonna finish the season, eventually, but i don’t yet have the emotional maturity to not hate every little change.

[cowboyjen68]

this might seem some stupid teenage problem to you but how do i deal with my friends having boyfriends and girlfriends while im just depressingly lonely as hell? i mean we still talk but im just scared that they'll just pay more attention to theie boyfriends and girlfriends coz they did that the last time we went to our friend's house for karaoke. its not a bad thing to pay attention to boyfriends and girlfriends but sometimes i just feel left out. plus my friends used to joke abt me being single when i already feel like shit because im single and the only relationship i had was with a boy that i literally regretted to get together with bc he wasn't even a decent person to me. they don't make jokes like that anymore when i had enough and told them to stop it. idk if im being clingy at all but its like i just feel left out coz last time we went to have karaoke at my friend's house some of them just straight up pay more attention to their boyfriends and girlfriends and idk i just feel left out mostly bc it kinda feels like i have no one to talk to atp. again im not saying it's a bad thing but how can i stop feeling left out? and why's being gay kinda hard? most of my friends r in hetero relationships and they had it easy. the only relationship i had was with my toxic childhood friend who wasn't a decent person. plus everytime i like a girl, either they're lgbtq+ but just like boys more, straight or a piece of shit. why's it so hard for me to have a girlfriend? is it because im ugly? awkward? too introverted? or maybe the fact that i kinda suck at socializing bc i literally dont socialize alot? everything always goes wrong for me in my love life while my friends have it easy. im sorry if its too long

Forgive typos. I’m on my phone. And tired.

First. Big butch mom hugs to you. Take a breath and read this.

You are not by any means alone. And even in adulthood. Those of us grownups who are single often find ourselves lamenting the “loss” of a friend who is in a néw relationship. That friend is still our friend but her time is suddenly drastically limited. My best friend who was single for 12 years was my constant companion. Now she’s finally found love and two years in I’ve spent a total of maybe 6 hours with her. And it’s never just her and I. It’s only in group gatherings. It’s sad and hard to say the least. It’s feeling lonely even as I try to let other friends step in. The space she occupied will always be hers.

High school. College. Youthful friend groups tend to be much wider and less static. A constant refreshing of new love interests and I do remember those who dates feeling very intense emotions both at the start and end of such couplings. When you’re the single one you never the priority to others because they are expending so much time and energy to the mostly futile attempt to make fleeting romances work out. You don’t require energy since they assume (albeit unconsciously) you will just be there. Which is not fair. Friendship requires attention.

Sometimes we just have to toss ourselves into our own joys. Go to things you love alone. Have coffee. Enjoy a meal. Don’t sequester yourself to the internet to find connections. Be okay with you. Eventually others wil come in your life.

Do not date just to not be alone. Being miserable in a relationship is worse than just staying single and loving time with yourself.

I won’t lie and tell you loneliness will just abate. But I can say it won’t be forever. And friends will evolve and shift your entire life. You take all the good things. And bad from each one into the next and learn who and what enhances your life the most.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hello mbti-notes, 28F ENFP here. I have written to you a few times, one of them about my relationship with my 27M INTJ boyfriend and the other about my childhood trauma regarding my ENTJ mother and how it was keeping me from pursuing my art career.

I have been on the road of Fi development and lately I have started to develop Te. Some major life events happened since the last time I wrote to you; I had gotten diagnosed with ADHD after suspecting having it for years; then, my younger cousins got diagnosed with level one autism (Formerly known as Aspergers), and after my mother conversed with their mothers, we reached the conclusion I and other members of the family are also autistic and ADHD, since I displayed symptoms of both as a child.

With this new knowledge, I have been making all the changes necessary to accommodate myself and do the best I can and pull my own weight. I am almost finishing University, and my boyfriend (he’s pretty much my husband at this point) started his doctorate and is now an art teacher at our local arts University. (those issues I had written to you prior were resolved and we have been very happy together and supportive of each other since).

I have been slowly tearing down my perfectionistic tendencies; I am no longer unhappy about my work or extremely self-critic to the point I put myself down. I have gained confidence and trust in myself and handling problems, crafting solutions, planning (even if short-term) and improvising. I have been re-enganging my Ne in a healthy manner, focusing on my projects and progress instead of being scattered and wanting to do everything and anything.

Despite that, and all the growth I have done already, I feel that I have an unsurnamable mountain of obstacles to pass through. Over the last year, I have realized just how little my ISTP, probably autistic and bipolar father and ENTJ, probably ADHD mother completely failed to prepare me for life. I was emotionally neglected, made a scapegoat for their problems, made to pick up after myself because of my autism and ADHD being seen as failures of character instead of disabilities.

They saw I was intelligent, and rationalized it as “not needing help”; then, when my problems with executive disfunction and organization started flaring up due to their neglect, they yelled and blamed it on me, worsening the situation. I grew up with no understanding of boundaries; I wasn’t allowed to advocate for myself and everytime I tried I was yelled at; I wasn’t allowed to discover myself and my identity properly so I clinged to my special interests like a moth to a flame; I was shamed for my way of functioning and that impeded me of developing proper knowledge of myself and what I needed.

I now notice my social differences, my trouble dealing with and regulating emotions (and why I put off dealing with them), and my lack of social skills and differentiating levels of relationships. I feel angry that the time I needed to be using to deal with these issues, during adolescence and early adulthood, was taken away by autistic burnout, depression, and dealing with a disfunctional family who had no idea how to care for me and never tried to, and spent pursuing bad relationships, hyperfixations and changing interests, all the while not being able to put effort into what I really wanted because of the shame and judgement they placed on me.

I have been trying my best to pick up the slack, but it’s hard. I can see now how I was unjustly punished for my differences my whole life. I finally understand now why people get upset with me with things like being unable to regulate tone or asking clarifying questions (when I’m just trying to understand them).

I have accepted myself; I know my difficultities now and I know what I have to do to regulate myself, but I still can’t stop feeling angry at this injustice. I do my best to be proactive and helpful in the communities I join and make friends, but people will turn on me the moment I do something impulsive like vent to chat about my parents doing something rude to me that day (which happens regularly). The bridges I put effort into building get destroyed in minutes, and I feel like all my progress is undone.

Family is a tricky issue for people, I get it. There are different times and places to say things, I get it. But It still happens. I know the way to fix it would be to leave, but due to the housing crisis, inflation and my expenses of trying to finish my degree, I can’t move out of this place and still currently live with them. Rent is unnafordable, my boyfriend is going through his degree and busy, and I’m already at capacity fully comitting myself to art and doing the best job I can with chores and house stuff.

I know my parents have issues and I try my best do understand and be empathethic, but they aren't doing anything to get better or to resolve them. My dad is on disability and unemployment aid right now, he does minimal chores and watches TV and sleeps all day. My mother is a pre-school teacher and constantly overworks herself because that's how she learned to get through life.

A few months ago, my mom almost ended her marriage because in her words, she developed a "platonic crush" for another man. It was a huge fight, and one they tried to drag me into. When they're not having outright fights, they act lovey-dovey; but they soon have another nasty fight, and the cycle goes on.

My dad is extremely misoginistic, judgemental, and cynical. Everytime he tries to engage me in conversation, I act uniteresting so he leaves me alone. I am uncapable of building a relationship with them after all they did to me.

I just can’t stop feeling I got dealt a sh*tty hand in life and there is nothing I can do about it. I realize this is Si grip talking, but this enviroment completely kills all my optimist, motivation and will to move foward in life, and I’ve been doing this dance for way too long and just want it to end once and for all so I can keep progressing. I know I’ve already come a long way, but I can’t stop feeling it still isn’t enough, and I’m afraid that feeling won’t ever go away. So I turn to you for guidance on what to do.

Currently I am sitting on a few unfinished projects (a comic and animation) that will be my portfolio só I can start working while I finish my degree. My parents are paying for the remainder of it (honestly, the least they could do after the horrible lifetime they gave me) but I plan to start paying for it myself as soon as I get some work. I guess what I'm trying to get at is that I'm doing everything to try and make things better, but I feel like they never will, and I don't know how to deal with that.

----------------------

Whenever people tell me about how they're making progress, even trying to develop lower functions, but also suffering from inferior grip, the alarm bells go off in my head, because it usually indicates some form of troublesome denial. In terms of type development, inferior grip is one of the most serious signs that something is not right psychologically.

I never want to poopoo on people's efforts to improve. I definitely believe that you've been putting forth your best efforts. However, if the outcome is inferior grip, it means there's a problem with your approach or method.

The way that you're stuck in blaming your parents for your misfortunes is not just a sign of Si grip, but also Te loop. If you're suffering from Te loop, it means Fi development hasn't progressed to the point where you are ready for Te development. Being a lower function, trying to develop Te when you're not ready is only going to exacerbate Te loop and eventually lead you into Si grip.

I won't deny that the people around you every day have a big influence over you. As a Feeler, their moods can easily affect yours. When that happens, the best thing to do is to draw up boundaries, to try to shield yourself from those negative influences as much as possible. However, what you've done is the opposite.

You've been drawn into the negative influence through blaming them, fighting back (mentally), judging them for their flaws, indulging pointless "what if" scenarios about your past, etc. In short, you have been swallowed up by the negativity partly because you didn't do enough to protect yourself from it. This is related to Fi development because Fi should inform you about what is needed for self-protection.

Now, since you find yourself in a hopeless place and can't accept the feelings of helplessness, the recourse is Te loop. You wish to actively "correct" everything that you perceive is "wrong". However, this is a futile endeavor. Why? Because those things are not for you to correct. You have overstepped/violated boundaries by wanting to solve problems that aren't your responsibility. This only serves to entangle you in them.

You mom and dad's flaws, your mom and dad's relationship, are none of your business, but you are all up in there. Even if they try to involve you, as an adult, you have the power to refuse. Because you care about them, it's hard for you to refuse, but refuse you must. That's what it means to draw healthy boundaries.

Yes, it's tragic to have been deprived as a child. One thing you realize more and more deeply as you get older (especially if you have children of your own) is that parents are human, their knowledge is limited, and people can only do the best they can based on what they know. Many, many people are ignorant about psychological issues because they have had no opportunity to learn about them. What's worse, sometimes what they have learned is misinformation or outdated information based on what was being taught when they were growing up.

I say this not to excuse the bad things that parents do, but to foster empathy for the fact that people can't do better when they don't know better. You are the same. You didn't think to change your behavior or didn't know how to do it in the right way until you learned about ADHD. You live, you learn.

Empathy for others starts with empathy for oneself. Instead of pitying yourself or being angry about your past, healthy Fi should prompt you to express empathy for your struggles today. There aren't enough signs that you possess this depth of empathy, which indicates Fi development has a long way to go yet. It's hard to feel empathy when you're in the thick of negativity, but that's the time when it's most important to practice it.

An important part of having empathy for yourself, aka self-compassion, is allowing yourself to move at a realistic pace in life, a pace that takes your challenges into fair consideration, rather than always trying to live up to unreasonable ideals. Feeling "not good enough" and being afraid of that feeling never going away is directly related to Fi development and lack of self-acceptance. You must accept the truth of yourself and the facts of your situation before you can move forward in a meaningful way.

Also, if you find yourself speaking inappropriately or not giving enough consideration to social context when your feelings get too big, it means you haven't done enough to set up a good social support system and create more appropriate opportunities to explore your personal issues. Expecting parents or colleagues to give you support that they are not capable of giving is basically wasting energy barking up the wrong tree. In other words, don't look for love in all the wrong places. This is related to Fi development in terms of doing what it takes to care well for your well-being.

You are well into adulthood. At some point, it has to be fully your responsibility to craft the life you want. By continuing to blame your parents for not living up to your ideals, you are the one keeping yourself tied to past unhappiness, rather than moving forward. It is a choice you make.

I always say that forgiveness isn't about other people. Forgiveness is something you do for yourself. It's not good for you to live in a state of resentment, anger, or hate. It's not good to keep revisiting and rehashing such emotions on an endless loop. Therefore, you have to learn to forgive the mistakes of the past so that you can have the emotional stability necessary to focus on improving your life today and into the future.

Forgiving your parents for being the imperfect human beings that they are is difficult but necessary, not for their sake, but for yours. You can set yourself free from the past at any time through learning how to be more accepting, empathetic, and forgiving, which is very much tied to Fi development. This would be a healthy way of lifting yourself out of Si grip and mending your mental health.

[starres-stuff]

Day 23: On Cloud Nine FFXIV Writes 2024

CW/TW: Difficult Childhood, Difficult relationship with parent

On Cloud Nine: to be extremely happy and excited

“It was difficult being around her at times. It felt like she could suck the happiness out of a room in one breath. I remember the summer I was accepted to train as a ballet dancer for one of the larger Ishgardian groups. I ran to her office with the letter in my hand, I was so excited to have the chance and all she did was pluck it out of my hands, ball up the invitation, and toss it in the garbage. All while looking right through me and simply saying no.” 

Viviane's nose crinkled profoundly as she finished telling Xixa the tale, the pair had been exchanging stories about their childhood and their parents as they baked cookies and iced cakes for the next day's business. The long hours they often spent together in the small bakery they have created a friendship between them that went beyond mentor and student as they had once been when Viviane first arrived in the Shroud. 

“Something I learned from my Mother that yours could have used. You can't take your issues out on your children. You are responsible for letting them live out their lives while gently nudging them forward to adulthood. I can't tell ya the number of times I pretended to be on Cloud Nine for one of my girls, all the while crying on the inside because I had a shitty day, even when my Liri came home pregnant at seventeen I hid all the things I wanted to say because she was happy.” 

Xixa lifted her arm, her hand dragging across her forehead to wipe away the tiny beads of sweat that had formed from having the four ovens going. The good thing was the Shroud was preparing for another autumn season and the temperatures were not as bad as they had been all summer, but the heat these ovens could pump out was enough to feel like you were in one of those sweat lodges she had seen at those new-fangled spa places she kept hearing about. What she did not realize was that she had left streaks of flour going up into her mostly jet-black hair, which made it look like her natural silver streaks had grown bigger. 

“You can't punish your children for your life, always remember that if you have your own. Hurts like the hells bit you when you realize what you missed out on but it is for the best.” 

Across the room at another oven, Vi was taking stacks of chocolate chip mint cookies from the oven and setting them on the rack before placing another full pan in and setting the timer for them to back. These conversations had always made her feel like she had found the Sister she wanted in Xixa, the Viera was older than she and had experienced many things that she was willing to share. “She was a very cold woman, colder than even me. Even when we reconnected after she arrived in Gridania, she was aloof at best. I would try to get her to talk about family history or the things that I needed to know about running the house or managing its assets. She would hand me books of instructions to read and she would wave me off like I was some staff member being shooed off to work so I stopped bothering her. The odd thing was, she was much kinder to everyone else than she was to me.” 

All Xixa could do was shake her head “Well anytime you have good news you want to share come see Vi if your husbands aren't home. I'll hoot and holler with you, dance around on cloud nine. I don't make light of how that woman treated you. Your Aunt Doshaine used to tell me the same about her Sister. Only met her once myself. She handed me her bag and coat like I was house staff. Doshaine apologized to me for that for turns. The thing is as we get older, I think we have to be our, own, parents if it makes sense. What happened, happened. It is behind you now, but the things that make you feel the worst, change them into things you like or ways you would have enjoyed. Used to tell one of my patients to talk to herself, adult to child when the memories hit her, you are safe now after all. That woman has no power here.” 

Outside there was a sudden clap of thunder and three cracks of lightning, then the rain came, the sound of it hitting the roof made Vi look up towards the ceiling. “It’s creepy how when you or Dimitri give advice there is a storm.” It was a change of topic, but Xixa understood it, some things were too hard to talk about. They took time to take seed and grow in a person’s mind. 

“Maybe it’s Shroud Magic, maybe it is a coincidence.” Xixa grinned and gave Vi a wink. “Don’t rattle your pan about it too much, girl, it will leave you confused and without answers.” 

[secretlywritingstories]

My little brother turns 25 this month. That feels like it shouldn't be allowed, as I watch him a big sister five years his senior.

It's funny how it's more often than not my little brother's age that can have my pause and take into account that time is passing, rather than my own. I'm about to embark on a new decade, swap that 2 for a 3 in just a few months.

But it's him officially being halfway through his 20s that jolts the reality of our adulthood into me. Because I remember when he was but a little lump of human.

The same little boy I just to take by the hand when we had to cross the road. Instinct. I was his big sister, and I was meant to look out for him and I did.

Despite some years between us, we've played together growing up. Him reaching, and me pausing, so we could meet somewhere in the middle where it would be fun for both of us.

He grew taller than me sometime in his teens. That was another thing that felt like it shouldn't be allowed. He was the little one. I still call him that. The little man. Even though he's even taller than my dad now. But he'll always be the youngest, no matter how tall or old he gets.

He has spent his twenties studying so far, and it'll be a couple of years still. He had to course-correct and pick another education after a couple of years but I'm glad he did. He's so much happier now. Found a shelf where he'd seated himself comfortably. I'm glad he's taking his time and grasping opportunities as they come his way.

When I was his age, I was newly graduated with my master's degree, but absolutely lost at what I wanted to do. I decidedly had not found my shelf. I'm still not quite sure that I have found it. Maybe he hasn't either, there's only so much you can see outside looking in.

I think your 20s are mostly for finding yourself after all. It is often a tumultuous decade, I can see looking at myself and my peers. You are still figuing out your boundaries and what you want. It might continue forever, maybe life is supposed to be like that, but there is a certain shift when you start to become "a proper adult."

(I'm not actually sure such a thing exists, but adult responsibilities surely sneak up on you, whether you like it or not.)

He's not entirely the little kid with whom I shared my childhood anymore, but that little kid is still in him. He'll always be my little man, no matter how old he gets. And I'm always going to try to look after him as both of us get older.

[meetaethere]

"Footsteps Through Time: A Tale of my life story, from childhood to adulthood"

I burst into the city called Lapu-Lapu like a firecracker on the sixth of February. My parents and their language barrier did not stop them from starting their factory, and I came as their product, a girl who is their little ball of energy into the world. A girl who loves eating and playing. A child who is easy-go-lucky and easy going. A girl named SOPHIA D. SUH

As a child, I was very naughty; I was always on the move and getting into all sorts of problems or chaos. From skipping class just to play with my neighbors to having a lot of wounds, I am often scolded by my mother because of that.My childhood was a tapestry of vibrant experiences, woven with the threads of love, laughter, and endless curiosity.

School was a mixed bag for me; while I excelled in subjects that sparked my interest, like sports and recess, I struggled to sit still long enough to make it through a math class without doodling on my notebooks or desk. My classmates often described me as "absent" and "always excused.". I was a dreamer, always lost in my thoughts, imagining new worlds and possibilities that lay just beyond the horizon. My interests expanded beyond the classroom. I became involved in extracurricular activities by joining the school's sports writing press conference. I discovered a passion for writing, both through words and performance, and found that I had a knack for captivating an audience.

Being a child before was really hard since it was hard for me to make friends because I am shy and lonely. As a kid, it was always a big deal for me not to make any friends because it showed how friendly and approachable I was. But I was thankful for my friends who approached me before, because without them, I may have been a loner. I played with them in school, like playing Chinese garter or patintero, or just talking to our favorite movie or film. I joined my school's sports club, where softball drew my attention. I got to go to City Palaro and CVIRAA, which I joined for at least 2 years. I never got to join sports after that because of my age, but I definitely learned a great lesson from my elementary days. 

As I entered my teenage years, my goal or interest in achieving something small or big grew. I sometimes spent my time studying for an upcoming exam or quiz. My parents encouraged me to do whatever I wanted, and they will still support me in whatever I choose. But it is my choice to pressure myself because I want to. I believe that excellency can make people amazed at me.High school brought its own set of challenges and triumphs. The waters of adolescence, trying to find my place in the world while staying true to myself. I made lifelong friends, shared countless laughs and tears, and learned valuable lessons about friendship, love, and loss. I may have lost a few friends, but I gained more friends through the years of growing up.

But life wasn't always easy. My family faced its fair share of challenges, from financial hardships to personal struggles. I have to pick up some trash in the garbage to sell just to buy my sister her formula. I was really having a hard time before. Yet, through it all, we remained united, drawing strength from each other and the love that bound us together.

Senior high school was a blur of late-night studies and the kind of friendship that lasts a lifetime. I chose Accountancy, Business, and Management (ABM) because it is related to the course I want to pursue in college, which is tourism. I have a thing for adventure; my dream was to get through different kinds of countries to go and travel there with my family, friends, and my future husband and kids. My senior year culminated in a whirlwind of emotions as I am preparing to graduate and embark on the next chapter of my life. I have to say goodbye to friends and teachers who have become like family, knowing that I am leaving behind a chapter of my life that has shaped me in ways I could never have imagined. The senior high school year was a time of growth, learning, and self-discovery. It was a time when I learned the value of hard work, dedication, and perseverance—lessons that would serve me well in the years to come.

I threw myself into school life, joining the Supreme Student Government, the Red Cross, and a lot of other activities that I can think of. I was a good student, though not exceptional. I excelled in subjects like PE and science but struggled with math and Filipino. Despite this, I was determined to do well, pushing myself to study harder and seek help when needed.I made a conscious effort to prioritize my personal life by making time for family and friends and pursuing hobbies that brought me joy. As school progressed, I found myself reflecting on the journey that had brought me to this point. I thought about the friendships I had formed, the challenges I had overcome, and the lessons I had learned along the way. I realized how much I had grown, both academically and personally, and I felt a sense of pride in all that I had accomplished.

[horizon-verizon]

Aemond is a child. Alicent did plant the seeds of hatred for his sister Rhaenyra and her children, but Rhaenyra didn’t exactly do anything to stop it from growing. Aemond may be smart but he is still a child and thus impressionable. If Rhaenyra had tried to build a relationship with her siblings, they likely wouldn’t believe what Alicent says. Aegon in particular actually seemed to like his nephews. Rhaenyra may not have ever shown hostility towards her siblings, but she never showed that she cared for them either.

When Aemond lost his eye, her reaction to it told him that he could not trust the Blacks. She showed that she would gladly throw him, her brother, under the bus for her children. Before that incident, the Black and Green children used to play together. After the eye incident, that is when the line is really drawn officially between the Blacks and the Greens. Rhaenyra as the adult and the eldest should have approached her siblings and spent time with them. But she just let those seeds of hatred and paranoia grow in her siblings.

So were Jacaerys, Lucerys, Joffrey, Rhaena, and Baela. All younger than Aemond.

Anon is referring to my thoughts HERE. Yet I suspect anon didn’t read my post carefully, or knew it even existed.

I don’t know, anon, if you read Fire and Blood either, or just its section on the Dance. It seems like you you just watched the show. And because both HotD and F&B still tell of the rivalry between Rhaenyra and Alicent, what I point out about the book's account of what Alicent did ro Rhaenyra concerning her children still applies.

When Viserys refuses and even dismisses Otto for talking against his decision, Alicent immediately begins to antagonize and plot against Rhaenyra:

Why does Rhaenyra have to be the one to sacrifice her own childhood--whatever is left of it by being a princess mosly alone (emotionally) at court--and some of her adulthood, to devote herself to a fruitless endeavour? Why does she have to be the one to give up her time away from her own life and bridge the gap between her and her siblings, when Alicent is the one responsible for that gap and is higher authority here? In both book and show?

A) 

You know who else was a child, anon? Book!Rhaenyra.

In the book, by canon AsoIaF lore/history, Rhaenyra is 9 years old when Alicent marries Viserys. Alicent is 18. A year later, Alicent gives birth to Aegon, and she immediately expects Viserys to appoint Aegon as his heir and replace Rhaenyra, who at this point is 9-10. 

Still, questions persisted, not the least from Queen Alicent herself. Loudest amongst her supporters was her father, Ser Otto Hightower, Hand of the King. Pushed too far on the matter, in 109 AC Viserys stripped Ser Otto of his chain of office and named in his place the taciturn Lord of Harrenhal, Lyonel Strong. “This Hand will not hector me,” His Grace proclaimed.

Even after Ser Otto had returned to Oldtown, a “queen’s party” still existed at court; a group of powerful lords friendly to Queen Alicent and supportive of the rights of her sons. Against them was pitted the “party of the princess.” 

(Fire and Blood; A Question of Succession)

Alicent also has much more authority over her own kids than Rhaenyra because she is their mother, the Queen Consort, and a full grown adult. And in HotD, Alicent is still their mother and Queen Consort. In episode 6, we see how she outright refuses to marry Helaena to Jacaerys, showing that she has and uses much more power over her children and Rhaenyra.

18 is an adult by both our modern Western (U.S.) standards and these feudal, Westerosi noblepeople. Rhaenyra, while being the heir apparent, is a child of 9-10. Alicent also has more family members (not Otto, her brother was part of the City Watch) to plot with at court.

I want you to imagine the events at court in the book/canon history, but also those in HotD. Especially HotD where the writer didn't bother to show us how these people interacted between episode 5 & 6.

Alicent can’t openly say that her kids can’t hang out with Rhaenyra, especially in front of Viserys. So how does she stop Rhaenyra from interacting with her kids? She subtly sends them to bed early, she tells them behind the closed door of her apartments that they should stay with their nurses or Alicent’s ladies-in-waiting more than they should Rhaenyra, she distracts them from possible conversations with Rhaenyra, etc. She may interrupt Rhaenyra’s talking in ways that seem like they could just be accidents but are actually contrived. She’d seat them as far away from Rhaenyra as much as possible. 

From all of these moments, her own kids pick up that Rhaenyra is not a person worth their attention, even someone to be wary of, even if she is their sister.

For the book, what power does a 9 or 10 year old Rhaenyra have in the face of all of that? Years of social separating?  Please tell me anon, would you have that sort of miraculous patience, attention span, or complex thought/long term/years-ahead planning at 9?

By the time book!Rhaenyra was considered an adult by Westerosi standards (14-15)--which is 4-5 years later--the 24-25 year old Alicent garnered a lot of power. Alicent was definitely not going to encourage much interaction between her kids and Rhaenyra, because she has been against Rhaenyra and is plotting her deposing since she birthed Aegon. 

So, there was little to no real hope for a relationship between siblings, anon. Alicent made certain of that. And book!her will continue to do so, making sure that her kids do not see Rhaenyra as a real sister but an enemy and an inferior human. Show!her is trying after how many years later, when the damage is irrevocably done? Show!Alicent is a different type of delusional, the type without a brain or any cunning. But she is still the real person responsible for her kids emotionally separated from Rhaenyra and willing to fight openly with Rhaenyra's kids.

Teen/adult Rhaenyra sees and feels this and she knows that even if she tried, Alicent has her claws in. There’s no point. Who would these kids listen to, anyway? Their mom or their sister? Why do you think that a sister’s authority would trump a mother’s, anon? A EU/Westerosi Queen Consort vs an heir?

More on HotD's Characters & Situation

After show!Alicent finds out about Rhaenyra sleeping with Criston Cole and dresses in green, we know that she has fully turned against Rhaenyra. From that poin ton, Alicent is set to depose Rhaenyra. We even get her talking to her unlcle, the Lord of Hightower and Oldtown, where she says accepts his “support”. That’s plotting, anon.

Her kid Aegon is 2-3 and Helaena would have ben 1-2. The picture of Alicent turning her kids against Rhaenyra is the same for what I drew for you above. 

Even though Rhaneyra is now Alicent’s age, those kids are still going to listen to their mother way more than they will Rhaenyra. Because a mother’s words trumps a sister’s and in this feudal society you owe your obedience to your noble/royal parent more than you ever will your royal sibling--unless that sibling is the ruler. Not heir, ruler. 

Alicent had loads of time to turn her kids against Rhaenyra. And again, why should Rhaenyra waste her own childhood or adulthood on this? 

Even with this older, more-capable of complex-thought version of Rhaenyra, she would/should have been busy consolidating power both before and after she marries Laenor. The writers should have accommdated the implications of this change.

This is a change from the book--go back to the quote. In the book, where there was enough supporters for there to be a “princess” party, which will later be called the “blacks”. And both women would have had ladies-in-waiting following them, helping them out, etc. Where are these other noble girls?!

The show is ridiculous and doesn’t know the lore it’s drawing inspiration from.

B)

Rhaenyra never showed “hostility” towards the green kids either before or after Aemond lost his eye. She would have been trying to ignore them most of the time, but again that’s Alicent’s fault for turning those kids against her.

And the Vhagar/eye incident was all about her prioritizing her own kids in the face of the danger Alicent presented, not because she hated Aemond. Though I wouldn’t castigate her for hating him after the Vhagar/eye moment for endangering her son. 

Go back and read my post about this, I already linked to it way above.

C)

The Vhagar incident is not where the factions form and “the line is really drawn officially” as I already said. There has always been a black vs green party. The Vhagar incident is actually the turning point of the kids' rivalry.

Section “A” explains why. It even has the direct quote. Go back to it.

D)

You: “Before that incident, the Black and Green children used to play together.”

They did not play together, and if they ever did they didn’t do it willingly or joyfully.

Since the jump cut from episode 5 to 6 makes us lose a huge chunk of time that could have shown us what life at court was like for both sides:

adults vs the kids

the Velayron boys versus the green boys (this is even explicitly told in F&B; go back to my post about)

Viserys vs Rhaenyra

Viserys vs Alicent

Rhaenyra vs Alicent

Alicent vs her own kids (we see her grab Aegon in episode 6 and slap him in epsiode 7)

The jump cut between episodes 5 and 6 disallowed us from seeing the interactions between our characters and show us the development of the social climate at court. We don’t see how the courtiers around the main royal family and their immediate persons feel and think about the royals. So we’re left to depend on what we see in episode 6 to gauge what the royal family feel and we see Alicent’s frenetic energy, Harwin smiling at Rhaenyra and dying with Lyonel, Rhaenyra climbing the steps after labor, and that pig prank and Aemond’s stoicism against it, etc.

The only interaction we see between green and black boys is them at the Dragonpit with Lucerys being taught how to deal with Arrax and give commands. This is not “play”, this is business. And right after, we see Aegon and one of the V boys prank Aemond and mock him. Exactly where do you see the “play”, anon? We don’t see the green boys play with their nephews at all. If they did, it would have happened way back in the never-written scenes before the jump cut (blame the writers).

Remeber that Alicent has been talking shit against Rhaenyra and now her sons ever since the end of the betrothal feast of episode 5, so again, she would have been turning her 2-3 and 1-2 year old kids against Rhaenyra ever since then. Aemond and Daeron practically from birth. This is proven in episode 7 when Aemond threatens them and escalates the situation by telling them they will die like Harwin did, screaming and he looks at Alicent when Viserys asks him where he heard the idea that the V boys were bastards.

And in Fire and Blood, it is quite clear that the V boys vs the green boys’ beef has always been hot:

The show presents this idea that Aemond is this helpless victim because he didn’t have a dragon. But as a prince, by being unsuspected of being a bastard, and by history of most Targs/Targ descents people claiming dragons way after they turn 8, he has a lot more privilege to be able to antagonize the Velaryon boys before they ever do him. And Alicent’s words about their inferiority and Rhaenyra’s unfitness and shared plans at deposing Rhaneyra would have all instilled in Aemond to see the boys as less-than himself. Hence, him threatening them and calling them the pseudo-slur of “bastard”, refusong to let his nephew go. Realisitically and psychologically speaking, Aemond is the likelier person to antagonize and bully the Velayron boys enough where the v boys would retaliate. But, again, the show encourages us to see otherwise despite the illogic of it.

The sins of the fathers are oft visited on the sons, wise men have said; and so it is for the sins of mothers as well. The enmity between Queen Alicent and Princess Rhaenyra was passed on to their sons, and the queen’s three boys, the Princes Aegon, Aemond, and Daeron, grew to be bitter rivals of their Velaryon nephews, resentful of them for having stolen what they regarded as their birthright: the Iron Throne itself. Though all six boys attended the same feasts, balls, and revels, and sometimes trained together in the yard under the same master-at-arms and studied under the same maesters, this enforced closeness only served to feed their mutual mislike, rather than binding them together as brothers.

(Fire and Blood; A Question of Succession)

The boys had to be forced to be together despite Viserys’ own constant pushing. And with more time they spent together, they hated each other more and more.

Why?-->  the Princes Aegon, Aemond, and Daeron, grew to be bitter rivals of their Velaryon nephews, resentful of them for having stolen what they regarded as their birthright: the Iron Throne itself.

E) 

Aemond is not “smart”. He is cunning or clever (sometimes and not enough times). There is a difference. 

You’ll find out--if you haven’t read the book, which I think you didn’t--that he makes the stupidest of choices. No matter how much Condal, Hess or any other person working on the HotD set says about Aemond reading philosophical books, he obviously hasn’t learned a goddamn thing from such books. Or the books themselves preach a philosophy that is as stupid and flaccid as most of Kant’s. 

Probably some conservative, traditionalist nonsense derived from Faith of the Seven religious treatises that actually encourage his sense of superiority and cruelty.

[prodigal-explorer]

my speech impediment experience

as an autistic person with ehlers-danlos syndrome, as well as a premature identical twin, it was basically expected that i was going to have speech delays as a child. here is my story, and sort of my speech journey!

(my speech impediment story is not the definitive story of the speech impediment experience. do not use my story as an end-all-be-all of authority, please!)

my mom was expecting to have me and my twin sister in late march, but something happened, and we came out very early, on january 30. since we were so premature and we were identical twins (we came from one egg that split), we came out very small (around 4 pounds each), and we had medical complications from the get-go.

being twins, we spent a lot of time together. and as we started to learn that our mouths could make specific sounds that meant specific things, the first people we tried this type of communication out on was each other, naturally. this led to the two of us developing our very own nonsense language.

for a very long time, my sister and i refused to speak in any other way besides our own language. it took us longer to reach milestones such as our first words as a result of this. we had to go to speech therapy to unlearn the habits we picked up while speaking in our language, since being babies, we didn't understand how to use our mouths effectively.

for a long time, my sister and i had speech therapy. we both struggled with a lot of articulation errors, and we both tended to speak quickly, which led to some stuttering issues.

we also both learned later in life that we likely have some form of dyspraxia, which explains a lot of the issues we were having with figuring out how to move our mouths the correct ways.

we were lucky that our speech impediments didn't fully follow us into adulthood, but for a lot of our early childhood, we still struggled with a lot of vocal things that our peers had already mastered. i have a video from when we were around eight years old, and my nickname for my sister is "madi", but instead of actually pronouncing it correctly, i would call her "m-ee-adi" instead, adding an "ee" sound where there wasn't supposed to be one.

we went to speech therapy until around third or fourth grade, and from there, we had learned enough skills to where our speech impediments were no longer getting in the way of our lives.

nowadays, i still occasionally struggle with certain things vocally. i am an actor, so diction is very important for me to be understood onstage, but i struggle a lot with making my words understandable. i often have to slow down and start over, and i get a lot of "what? i didn't catch that", even when i speak slower than my usual quick pace. speaking clearly takes a lot of effort for me, even years after all that speech therapy. for some people, speech impediments don't fully go away, even if they do get significantly more manageable.

that is my speech impediment journey! i wish i could have been more detailed and scientific with it, but i don't remember very much from my childhood period, and due to a lot of other complications, stuff like causes are very murky because a lot of different things could have caused my speech impediments.

i hope this helped educate anyone who wants to learn more about speech impediments!

[a-lbeit]

2022: a year in review

i never ended up writing one of these for 2021, so maybe i’ll throw some stuff from there in here, too

a brief summary of 2021--benny, soaring highs and a rock-bottom low, exercise, school, getting reacquainted with the working world and working more than ever before, trying to become more attuned to adulthood, reuniting with old friends, car ownership, and uncertainty

alright, now onto 2022. i would like to write more about 2021, and i wish i had done so earlier like i should have, but, as we all know, life just strikes you sometimes. those memories and experiences, or at least the essences of them, will be there for me to reminisce on and reference. 

rang in the new year at benny’s house, drunk with coworkers and benny’s friends. it was messy, but hey, a new year’s kiss is always something to smile about when you look back on it. 

got boosted

had a visit from my parents. the first time i’d seen them in over 2 years--since i had broken my ankle and gone back to charleston for a few weeks. it was such a perfect week, one that i will forever cherish. they took the train out here, across the country like they’d talked about doing for so long. we went to riverside, to the house my father spent several childhood years in. he hadn’t seen it since then, i don’t think. we went up mt. rubidoux, something he’d always wanted to do. i took them to disneyland, of course, with benny, who they also finally had a chance to meet. we rode the holiday version of it’s a small world, which so fortuitously had a longer stint at the resort than usual because it had opened late because of a flooded mechanics room or something. took them to the top of the world and to urth caffe and the huntington library. i cried when they left. 

had to get tested weekly for covid at work for a while; it was kind of fun to get bumped to take it on the clock. things were looking kinda bad again with covid for a while there, and i got slightly worried that the park would close again. 

had a visit from lauren and david. we all stayed in an airbnb together and i showed them around socal. we went to san diego, disney (of course), la, huntington gardens. benny’s and my first anniversary happened somewhere in there. it was sunny and beautiful and lauren got a tattoo :)

stayed at a cabin in wrightwood for valentine’s day with benny. it was relaxing, sexy, and we even got just enough snow for it to be romantic but not a burden. we played pool, cooked, walked, and shopped around with little to no worries for a few days. on the way back, we went to the mcdonald’s museum in san bernardino.

went to the parks with friends. it’s nice to be able to do that stuff again--sometimes i think about how “normal” our lives have become again in the wake of covid and i realize i forget how easily things can change in our puny little lives

went to a wedding expo with mindy. i enjoyed it, but i think more and more about how i don’t want a wedding celebration. 

disney had a little cast member event for the (then) upcoming toontown renovation before it closed for the next year. it was cute to be a part of that. 

gas prices went up, up, up, and we all felt it

had a little date night with benny at this really cool bar in huntington. i wish we had time (read: i wish i put in more effort to have more time and energy) to do more of that

received melissa and glenn’s wedding announcement. i was nervous to be her maid of honor but so excited

saw so many snails

did our little semiannual vegas trip. it’s always nice to hang with benny’s best friend and see the hoover dam and just have fun. we played twilight zone mini golf, went to a cirque show (thanks to miguel’s roommate), got dutch bros, swam in lake mead. the whole bit. benny and i even got matching temporary tats. 

made the difficult decision to remove my eyebrow piercing. it had migrated a lot and my management team had said a couple things to my leads about the prominence of the plastic retainer. maybe some day i’ll pierce it again. i miss it sometimes, but i knew it was time. it didn’t look good anymore after constantly having to switch out the jewelry. 

had a roommate reunion at disney with rozi, taleeah, and daisy. it was nice. i miss living with them. 

parallel parked my heart out. i can fit almost anywhere. 

helped john krasinski and emily blunt at autopia :)

went to the parks with mindy for her birthday. i’m so grateful to have her in my life, to have someone so different yet similar to me. 

appreciated and loved fred more and more. he deserves the blue nametag more than anyone. 

went to a couple disney cast member softball games. it’s fun to watch your coworkers play.

somewhere in between all this, i interviewed (for the second time) to become a trainer at autopia, and my manager told me yes--i was very wary and jaded when he told me, since he told me no last time without having that clear of a reason. but he congratulated me and i was grateful that he saw potential in me.

had a cute 4am shift. we had to help test the speed of the cars. it was beautiful, and fred bought us breakfast. a national treasure. 

i needed the first two weeks in june off, and management granted me a personal leave. sometimes, i really do appreciate them. 

finally, the day came. i flew back to charleston for the first time since my broke ass ankle to celebrate melissa and glenn. and i took benny along for the ride. we flew in, reunited with my parents, got some finishing touches for the bachelorette party (freaking out in the meantime). the other bridesmaids and i took melissa to brunch, a lil gift exchange, and a sunset cruise piloted (is that the right word?) by her favorite high school teacher. it was nice, lowkey day. and then the rehearsal dinner was the next day and the wedding the next. melissa looked so beautiful (as she always does) and the wedding was perfect. the ceremony took place outside and it started to rain beforehand, so they ended up pushing it back an hour and having a cocktail hour first. everything worked out and the lighting was perfect. i loved seeing melissa and glenn’s first dance and her dance with her parents. and i was so grateful to her to include me in the day. she’s my oldest friend and i love her so much. 

in the couple days after the wedding, i hung with my parents and lauren and david. we did a ghost tour and, most importantly, went to waffle house. 

immediately after, benny and i flew to denver. somehow for the past 2 years, i had been taking classes and completing the requirements for my master’s degree, and i was sure as hell gonna walk in my graduation. we took a night flight and arrived in denver late; we stayed overnight in the airport to save some money. it surprisingly wasn’t too bad, except for waking up at one point to a man on the other side of the bench shaking around. but it was okay. we left in the morning and went to the university of denver campus so i could take a covid test, then got some food from a turkish restaurant nearby while we waited to check in to our airbnb. when the time finally came and we got to our room, i was so happy to not have to lug around my heavy suitcase anymore. we showered and headed downtown to walk around and get some dinner at a place a coworker of ours had recommended. he recommended a lot of stuff since he used to live in the area, but i think that’s the only one we ended up taking.

i also got a phone call that day from our scheduler asking me about scheduling my training to be a trainer, since the days went against my availability. i was nervous to see it on my next schedule, but excited to have it finally happen.

on our walk around, we went to voodoo doughnuts and ordered one each, but the worker gave us double. it’s always an exciting treat to get more than you pay for. 

spent the next day exploring denver. we toured the capitol (and got a beautiful view of the rockies from the balcony of the dome), explored cute shops, and i felt pretty dead at a couple points. i fell asleep on a bench for a minute, but it was all right. we ended at a foresty bar my friend had recommended and played foosball.

the next day, i officially ‘graduated.’ there was cake at the reception before the actual ceremony, and then we sat through 3 hours of names being called before it was finally time for my section. benny is such patient man. i met up with him after it finally ended (he sat in the audience; i sat with the other graduates), and he had gotten me a lei and a teddy bear wearing a cap and gown. we got dinner at an italian place my friend had recommended,

the next day was our last in denver. we explored some more, including checking out a zine library and getting pics in a big tire. we ended the day with takeout in the park along the river next to the huge REI. 

we rented a car and headed to boulder for a couple days. on the way, we stopped at a wildlife refuge and almost got caught in a lightning storm. everything was great until we tried to arrive at our airbnb up a dark, windy road quite late (around 10pm or so, maybe), only to find a dark house. we rang the bell a couple times and eventually, a shirtless man answered and said there was no airbnb here. i would have panicked if we didn’t have a car that we could have slept in. however, we ended up heading back into town and spent $200 on a hotel. we sure as hell stuffed ourselves at the free breakfast the next day and booked a new airbnb for the rest of the time. airbnb was incredibly helpful and refunded us as well as gave us some credit for the next airbnb. it was an ordeal, but it was okay.

we didn’t let that mishap affect us too much. we had things to do. after we got everything situated, we headed up to estes park to take the aerial tram as well as visit the stanley. it was a beautiful day, in the end. we even took that long road in rocky mountain national park that goes all the way to the top to see the sunset and the snow on the ground. and when we arrived at our new airbnb, everything was just as described, and they even had 2 dogs that almost made me become a dog person--they were fluffy, well-groomed, and quiet. 

we went back into the national park the next day for a horseback ride and some hiking. i got very sniffly after the ride (i guess i’m a bit allergic to horses) and napped for a bit in the car. we did a beautiful and uncrowded hike to one of the alpine lakes. 

the next day was our flight home, but we had the morning still. we said goodbye to the dogs and went to red rocks before going to the airport. our flight ended up getting delayed, so i asked for meal vouchers. again, we stuffed ourselves. 

went back to work. a few days later was benny’s birthday. at the time, my friend rozi was working at this company that’s sort of a blend of airbnb and a hotel, and she majorly hooked it up and got us a 3-night stay at this beautiful property in laguna for free. i surprised benny, although i had to train people at work during a couple of the days. that place was low-key and luxurious. 

got signed off as a trainer, although i sucked at time management at first. but we all do.

the day i had my star tours refresh class, i did practically nothing all day at work. it was glorious

i was so tan in the summer. i’m sure i’ll get there again this summer (while still lathering on sunscreen, of course)

a few days before my birthday, benny got covid. i spent the days around it getting free food; on my birthday, i took a solo trip to the san diego area and laid on the beach. i was a bit lonely, but i’m also in love with spending time with myself. i’ve always known how introverted and independent i am, but i’ve really realized over the past year that i need to spend significant amounts of time in my life by myself. 

got retrained at nemo a little while after benny did. they had a photo session for us while we were still cycling before the ride officially reopened, and we got really cute pictures that i’ll always treasure. once it reopened, though, we all quickly realized that if you had nemo knowledge, you were stuck at nemo. i was mad that my fellow trainers were getting training shifts and i was stuck. 

put up shelves in my bedroom lmao 

went to natalie’s baby shower. i was scared but also so happy for her. she was ready. and the shower was beautiful

had a much-needed day with rozi--we got our cars washed (for free, of course), had coffee and acai at our old place, and ended up at disneyland. it had been too long. 

got a tour of walt’s apartment

became full-time soon after i turned 26. thank god--i now needed health insurance.

saw shakey graves with benny--i miss the time in my life where i was obsessed with him and live music. i think i’ve said this before, but i’ve kind of outgrown concerts. it was a time in my life i’ll always treasure, though. it makes me miss college and especially dc--taking the metro to the 9:30 club and the anthem.

started my first solo training set

benny and i took a cruise! it a short 4-night, 3-day cruise, and it was perfect. we stuffed our fucking faces, went swimming at the beach in catalina, took a taxi in mexico and got free alcohol, and explored the ship. i know cruises are so awful for the environment (the irony of graduating just about 2 months prior with a master’s in environmental policy and management, i know), but goddamn, they’re so much fun and honestly quite cheap if you do it right. the morning of debarkation, though, i got a text (once we regained service) from my mom asking me to call her. i figured i would do it after we got off the ship, but then she ended up calling me (she had actually sent the message the previous evening) during breakfast to tell me my grandmother had died. i was so so grateful that i’d had the opportunity to see her one last time back in june when benny and i went to charleston for melissa’s wedding. otherwise, i probably wouldn’t have seen her since 2019 when my ankle was broken. i couldn’t even imagine what my father was feeling. he had found her gasping for air after he brought dinner to her apartment for her. she didn’t make it through the night. 

the next day, went right back into finishing my first solo training set. my stomach hurt, i guess from the food and the news. one of my trainees, a transfer from custodial, confided in me that she wanted to stop training and go back to custodial. we talked to management and made that happen for her. it felt nice to be able to support her during all of it.

a killer heat wave made work laughably awful--but that’s climate change for ya, i guess

went to the dentist for the first time in about 3 years. they removed my ‘old-school’ metal retainers (which, admittedly, the top one had broken) and got me set up for new plastic ones to wear overnight. no cavities! 

went to the walt disney studios in burbank and ripley’s believe it or not on hollywood blvd, which my parents had gotten me tickets for for my birthday. i love doing stuff like that, even if it’s touristy. 

benny and i went to shaqtoberfest. it was actually a lot of fun LMAO

funeral arrangements were sort of up in the air for a while. it ended up happening in october, although her death was in late august. i went back to charleston for it. my father’s resilience floors me. i look up to him so much. my mother and i went to my parents’ safety deposit box to pick out jewelry to wear to the funeral. i wore my grandmother’s brooch and ring. it was a sad occasion, but it was nice to be reunited with some family i hadn’t seen since before covid. i miss my family and especially my parents. i realized i would like to make an effort to visit them more frequently. i love spending time with them as adults. 

after my return, benny and i did some halloweeny stuff. i don’t like the holiday that much, but i love going to all the neighborhood festivals and block parties and events. 

finally used my flight credit from when rozi, britt, and i were supposed to visit blake in tennessee back in 2020. i went to austin, my first time in texas. mindy’s parents live outside of austin, and she actually flew there a day after me--she had to pick up her mom’s wedding dress, and it was great timing. i stayed in an airbnb for a night and explored the city (and the college campus--i got free tacos and really missed the campus experience) on my own, and then met up with her and her family the next day. they graciously let me stay there for a few days. her family is so relaxed, and i appreciated how easy it was to be with them. i would like to return to austin by myself or with benny sometime, though. 

took a ‘cast preview’ holiday tour of disneyland. we got soaked in the rain, but still had so much fun. i love the holiday season, and maybe one day i’ll stop letting myself be so consumed by work around that time and actually be able to enjoy everything.

learned the monorail, something i had been trying to do for close to a year. 

surprised benny with a trip up to the bay. i don’t know why--i had just been wanting to take a weekend trip since like april to visit pinnacles national park. i told him to make sure to request the days off, and when the time came, we left right after work. we drove up the 5 and finally, around 9:30 or 10pm, we pulled into the campground. he’d had a hunch this was what i was surprising him with. we slept in the car and freezed our asses off. we did a hike (featuring a couple caves!) the next day and went to an airbnb in san jose. we explored muir woods (i finally saw a banana slug!), went over the golden gate, of course, and tried to get dinner in the city--but i couldn’t find parking and the hills of sf overwhelmed me while driving, so we ended up just leaving. but we did go to the winchester mystery house and santa cruz, where we saw bunches of seals (sea lions? i don’t know). on the way home, we took highway 1 and passed monterey, big sur, and miles of coastal beauty. 

did another every-once-in-a-while vegas weekend trip to see the holiday decorations at the bellagio and visit his friend. i decided i don’t like his friend’s roommate lmao, but we still had a good time. we even got a hike in with some snow. 

saw beautiful holiday lights with benny’s mom and sister. every once in a while, i can dig some family time. 

stayed busy with work. between disney and target during the holiday season, i go weeks without a day off. but it’s all right. i do it to myself. and i love my coworkers. 

the leads and trainers got a blanket from our management team, which was actually so fucking nice 

i interviewed to be a lead--my manager asked me if i had been talking to the cores and then why i wanted to be a lead. then he stopped the interview and told me he’d already previously decided on me, that this ‘interview’ was essentially a formality. i was surprised and, i have to admit, felt really proud. he said to keep it a secret, though, so i did, only telling benny and my favorite lead. 

in the light rain on new year’s eve, benny and i went to the ronald reagan presidential library. what a cool place--yeah, reagan sucks, but it’s still a beautiful museum. and his entire air force one is in there--what an experience to get to walk through it. i love learning about all that stuff. in the evening, benny had a small party--it was still raining, so there wasn’t much of a turnout. it wasn’t the best night, especially since it’s my favorite holiday. but there’s always the next one. 

had some trips to knotts. for a while, i didn’t think i would want to renew my annual pass, but it’s just so cheap that it’s worth it even if you only go a dozen times a year. 

continued to work at target every now and again. they do be giving us free food, i’ll give em that. maybe i’ll quit before the end of 2023. we’ll see. 

drove so much. i love my prius and am so grateful for its reliability. even though traffic sucks, it’s nice to get to spend that time with myself. i still take the bus sometimes, though.

started actively saving money. i still owe student loans, but it seems to be forever on pause, so i just pay a bit here and there. i opened a high-yield savings account and really try to contribute to it often. 

was sort of sad a lot of the time. it’s just hard to be happy with your life when you’re in an hourly position and so many of your peers have ‘career’ jobs and seem so well-established--but i know that everyone has different paths and that i will be okay. but everyone gets in their own head. i also have to admit that i really hate that benny still lives with his family and had such a different upbringing than me. i hate admitting it, but it’s the truth. it sometimes makes it so hard to see a future together where we are established (by that, i mean with steady jobs and a place to ourselves), when we just don’t have good foundations to build on yet, despite being in our mid-20s. it challenges me and my thinking, but i’m also grateful for it. i don’t want to always be comfortable in life--but goddamn is it difficult sometimes. i feel that the relationship is so juvenile in terms of our stage in life. we will get there, though. and benny is miles ahead of me in so many facets of emotional intelligence. 

loved lana del rey, i have to admit

song of the year: “head full of doubt/road full of promise,” the avett brothers. it makes my heart heavy with a load of both fear and perseverance--‘decide what to be and go be it’ is such a scary, yet beautiful phrase. the entire song takes me aback with how much i can relate it to my own struggles (or whatever). 

2022 really saw the country come out of the pandemic, if you can even separate the times in that way. i find myself getting more removed from current events, and i hate myself for it. i don’t feel as aware as i used to be during college. i just go through the days at work, try to stay healthy, and spend time with friends and benny. i miss how i used to keep up with the world. maybe someday, i’ll start again. for now, i just try to be all right with my own life. i suppose you have to be okay with yourself, primarily, right? after all, it’s your own thoughts and body that you are with the most. it may be selfish, but it’s unavoidable. i would like to be happy with my own life, and i think i will eventually. i’m getting there. and the days continue to pass lazily, yet quickly. “i know pain is as natural as the rain; i just thought it didn’t rain in california.” 

[ardn631-isobelchilberto-2024]

Week 8 - Hinami Photos

Questions asked before shoot:

What is your name, age, occupation?

Hinami Nishi, 20, University student bachelor of science (Statistics and Geographic information) and Uniguide leader.

How would you, as you are now, describe yourself?

Someone who likes to work on yourself and put yourself first. Engage with a lot of people and gain new skills. Caring focuses both on herself and her friends. She keeps a minimal number of friends becuase knows herself quite well.

How do you want to be photographed?

As long as it's not in front of people she doesn't know, in particular crowds.

What has been the biggest change going into your twenties?

Her job as a Uniguide leader, a big responsibility and new learnings.

What are some challenges you face going into your twenties?

Being a third year at uni, figuring out what you're going to do next/career path. If she can find a career she is passionate about.

What have been highlights going into your twenties?

Spending time with my friends and family. Doing challenging new things.

What do you aspire to do in your twenties?

Searching for a sense of security, wants to find stability in the challenges she faces right now.

For me: Who is this person?

One of my closest friends, kind and considerate of others, open-minded, driven!

About the Shoot:

For this week, I photographed my friend Hinami. She is a kind and considerate person, open-minded, and has a calming and warm presence. I took photos in two locations. The first was outside our local library near our houses, where we spent a lot of time together. The second was at her house inside her room. I wanted to get some of her outside her comfort zone vs inside her comfort zone.

We made sure, though, to avoid big crowds as she said she wasn't comfortable with this. I also made sure to photograph her as she is, as shown by her warm and inviting personality in the shots. Or her relaxed, comforting nature in her home.

Outside, I was playing with the sun through the trees. While inside, it streamed into the room through the window and door with shadows in the room behind. I took inspiration from Vermeer lighting and some of the artist models I used, like Caroline Mackintosh, who used a dappling effect on her models.

I also took inspiration from the three photography projects I've looked at after week 7. For the ideas behind this photoshoot. Of a women's way of portraying their body and how they connect with themselves and their environment going into adulthood. For example, Rachel King's project captured her friends in an environment they felt comfortable in, so it felt candid and intimate. I felt it was interesting to look at both her comfort zone and the outside to see how she portrayed herself.

Favourites:

The first two photos are set outside our local library. I like how they play with a dappling effect and the contrast of intense shadows and highlights. The green alongside this creates a lush contrast to the images. I like how these show her personality in a way that one would see her outside and about.

The final three are set in her room. I chose the first two because even though the first image doesn't have her in it, it reflects her and who she is as a person. I also plan to put this with the second image side by side in my photo book. I really like the second image, as it's personal and intimate. She feels relaxed and laid back, in direct contrast to when she was outside. I also like the framing via the door, the light coming from the front and the shadows in the back. The final is reflective and a good closing image for her section. I like the highlights and shadows in it, as well as the lighting on her face from the sun. The teddy bear is an ode back to childhood showing a slight bridge between now and then.

Contact Sheets:

[intotheaether]

Sometimes I time travel.

On cold, rain soaked days or long drawn out nights, when I hover at the edges of sleep or waking, I time travel. I slow my breathing, close my eyes, and suddenly I’m 14 years old.

My 14 year old body is scrawny and lithe. Instead of curling into a chair and staring at a computer monitor, I read books. I learn to keep a calendar so my depressed, dissociated mother doesn’t incur library fines on my behalf. I lay in the backyard sunshine more often. I collage with scraps. I know we are poor and coerced to isolate by my father, but I rewrite how my time is spent. This time around, I know I’ll eventually get my freedom in college, so I bide my time. I spend it with a new sense of safety. I make art and build stories inside my head.

I am gentle with my sister. We don’t fight this time. I ask her what games she wants to play. We organize her room to her heart’s content. Maybe we can bring some comfort to my mom. I strategize how to encourage her to divorce my dad well before 2013. I think how to redirect my father into healthier pursuits. I struggle to find the right words in this redo because they are so fargone, but I try anyway.

In school, I fill in some of the chips on my shoulders. I let other people take leadership roles I zealously sought in my first life. I am content to applaud their successes, relieved to avoid repeating previous pressures and heartbreaks. I don’t date. I esconce myself in the school library and study with more vehemence than I showed the first time. I join a sport to strengthen my body, knowing all the health tribulations to come. I make friends with the people I know now are going to be good to me. I try to meet my husband ahead of schedule—by the time a few months have gone by, I miss him dearly. I avoid ruptures and conflicts with friends because I know what to say this time. I consider eating lunches because I never did before, and I wasn’t that hungry, but I love my teenage self so much that I want to give her oranges and soups and smores. She deserves a treat for surviving.

I go home. I do my homework. I acquired my future husband’s AIM handle and we talk every night and I don’t want us to start dating until the exact right time so I fill our evenings with questions about the books I remember are his favorites and the music I know he got from his sister.

I get a different job at 17. I don’t work in the diner where my space was violated and boys robbed me of my dignity and adults allowed my abuse. I don’t work in the diner where I felt less than human. I don’t know where I end up for the pittance I scrap together to prepare for the costs of college, but I don’t earn it there. I love myself too much to go through it again.

I drink more water. I decide not to smoke cigarettes. I skip out on band and choir competitions because none of those teachers cared about me nearly as much as I cared about the success of their programs. I turn my attention inward. And when I graduate, I have repaired part of the worst years of my childhood just as I prepare to enter some of the best years I’ve had in my adulthood.

Sometimes I time travel. Then I wake up.

[borderlineph3nx]

Sibling Hierarchy

Randomly found myself thinking about my family. My siblings, in particular, and my relationships to them - how they treated/viewed me, how I viewed them, how it all impacted all our relationships and how we grew up. It's complicated, because I have a lot of siblings and we have several different parents between us.

For starters, I'll list them in order by age (oldest to youngest): J1 (sis) J2 (sis) J3 (sis) K1 (sis) (me) B (bro) I also have 3 step brothers: A, S, & T. A & S are older than me, and T is younger than me but older than my younger bro, B.

J1 came along when my mom was young, and her parents forced her to give her up for adoption. She later came and found our family when she was an adult and her adopted parents told her the truth.

J2 and J3 are the daughters of my mom's first husband, E. Because there is an 11+ year age gap between me and J3, they have always kind of been more like parental figures than siblings. And sadly, a lot of my childhood was spent being a parental figure to THEIR (all 3 J's) children. Funny how that works. They had a lot expected of them, so they expected a lot of me...

K1 shares a dad with me and my brother. Her mom was my dad's first wife. She always lived in another state, far away, so we never really got to see her except for one time that she visited when I was very young.

Me and B have the same mom & dad. We grew up together and also fought a lot when we were younger, but got pretty close in our teenage years & adulthood.

A, S, & T are the sons of our step-mom (K2), who is our dad's 3rd wife.

When we were young, I had a crush on T, which he played to his advantage. (Not going into those details right now. Long story.)

To me, A & S always seemed like the "cool older brothers" that I wished I could somehow fit in with and spend more time with, but it never happened. As adults, we've all moved on to separate places around the states, so I guess those relationship opportunities were entirely missed.

K1 and I never really had a chance to know each other until I was in high school and started spending a lot of time online. We really connected over the course of a few years when we were both very into Gaia Online. And we haven't seen each other in person since I was around 5 years old...but we hope to remedy that in the next year or so.

I don't know why, but I felt like rambling about this... I guess I just feel sad that I don't feel like I have as close a relationship with any of my siblings as most of them do to each other in one way or another. And it's partly my own fault, of course. I chose to move away. I chose to stay out of the state. It's been better for me, in some ways. But it hurts to interact with them on social media and wish that what was between us was better. Closer.