#we love bonding with the important ppl in our friend's lives

[anotherferalrat]

It's so funny bc me and my best friend's bf r on opposite sides of the Till-Luka divide (with me being right and him being a clown🫶) so all our interactions on premiere day were

Him: *sad but otherwise accepting, gloating*

Me: TILL'S STILL ALIVE TRUST

Him: ACCEPT IT. LUKA SUPERIOR🫶🫶🫶

My best friend: *sighing in was dragged into the fandom*

[sprolden]

What's the ultimate ranking of all parabatai pairs in your intellectual tmi-spiral opinion

thanks for acknowledging the fact that tmi is making me a bit crazy 💛 without further ado, parabatai pairs from worst to best at being parabatai:

luke & valentine - they get some points for participating in a Parabatai Love Triangle (tm) which we all know by now is an essential part of all parabatai pairs but i think it's literally mentioned once that they were parabatai and then it's never brought up again. clearly this was the parabatai equivalent of an embarassing teenage relationship. 1.5/10

lucie & cordelia - they at least take the whole parabatai connected-souls things quite seriously but they forgot the most important part and thats that you need to actually be friends. 3/10

jace & alec - these two however absolutely did not take it seriously enough lmfaoooooo there's real love between them but they hate communicating, talking and speaking to each other SOOOO MUCH. however i kind of have to respect it? sometimes a joint parabatai slay is that they both dont actually give a fuck ab being parabatai. they were kind of real for that. 5/10

james & matthew - i acknowledge that they tried but they werent very good at it were they. i think they kind of suffer from the same thing as lucie & cordelia in the sense that they interact too little to come off as besties even though they both want to be besties. however they did have quite a few moments of unwavering homoerotic loyalty and i do love that. didnt live up to their potential though. 5.5/10

robert & michael - yeah they ended on bad terms but at least they gave us the drama and the completely insane intensity i'm LOOKING for!!!! like i said earlier, almost 20 years after his death michael was still the person robert loved the most in the entire world and michael literally came back from the dead to attend roberts funeral. perhaps robert failed to notice michael dying but thats iconic in and of itself imo do you know how deep you have to bury your emotions to not notice your parabatai's death?????? complete emotional rollercoaster i love it. 7/10 no wonder jace & alec are Like That

simon & clary - they rlly just became parabatai because they could. overhated and underrated parabatai duo i think they lack a certain je ne sais quoi that other pairs do have but i'm obsessed w their friendship so i love them anyway<3 have we considered that more ppl should just become parabatai with their besties simply because they can? besides at this rate simon will be a werewolf or something in 3 months' time anyway so we can't ever blame them for jumping on the opportunity! 7.5/10

jonathan shadowhunter & david the silent - literally invented the parabatai bond. bestie goals. couldve made it more feminist and included a woman though 🙄 8/10

emma & julian - do i even need to explain. they burned down a church. objectively awful at the whole parabatai deal though but in such an iconic life-changing culturally historically and aesthetically significant way that i dont even care. 9/10

will & jem - our souls are knit. we are one person, james. 10000000000000/10

[crowths]

YOUR FATE CANNOT BE AVERTED. YOU'VE INHERITED IT.

✧   ⸻   [  ewan mitchell,  non-binary,  they/he  ]     ;     welcome back to the rider’s quadrant, ALEKSANDER KOZLOV, we’re so glad to see you’ve survived for your THIRD YEAR ! you may be TWENTY SIX years old, but it’s your signet of WEATHER MANIPULATION, and your proclivity for being DUTIFUL and METICULOUS, that let you get this far. i see you’re just as ABRASIVE and RETICENT as you were before, rider. your dragon is the male, BLUE SWORDTAIL dragon named KOSCHEI, right ? rumor among the riders is that you remind them of love like a jail,  extraordinary always just out of your reach,  the itch of a scar never-ending, but who takes stock in that ? do try to stay in line, won’t you ?  ╱   nimah,  24,  they/them,  nzst.

"i am going to make a man whos never felt happy for a moment" me, sending in my application at 3am

trigger warning for sibling death / child neglect / emotional abuse and neglect

critically the most important thing i can say is that therapy is needed

second child out of three, absolutely idolized his older brother ilya (who was clinically, eldest daughter complex but also the perfect child) and it's the dead child who's forever living on the mantle and you'll never be good enough (pov i am explaining ilya to you: everyone keeps talking about what a bright future he could have had! what a wonderful child he was! what a good person and how they’re going to miss him so much and you're standing right there with your grief. your grief doesn't matter and they only want him back. they're refusing to let go of a memory of a dead child to accept and love the living ones. you’re begging them to accept you and love you for who you are! but they don’t care. you’re alive and they only care about the dead one)

anyways

but ilya dies. he dies helping put down the civil war (and what a good child! how noble and brave! who rode such a ferocious dragon and did such good and you and your sister are sitting there with all your accomplishments and they mean nothing) and the only thing that his parents want is their son back. aleksander and his younger sister mean nothing. the desperate forever trying to live up to your dead brother, it's never-ending. so they make it into the infantry (and the nepotism about just how brave and skilled his brother is, it wasn't just death, it was a sacrifice to save the rest of his squad, it was to save civilians, it doesn't matter what it was but his ghost cannot stop haunting you.) it was nepotism because their brother was so perfect and it was his downfall because he's never quite enough.

so it comes down to dying or claiming koschei. threshing day comes and he's set his eyes on the prize. it's living up to their brother, claiming the dragon he rode into battle to prove you're just as worthy as he was.

(and you succeed. not without a little maiming. everyone jokes that the dragon only bonded with you because he thought you were your brother. the worst bit is that sometimes you hear the wrong name being whispered through the bond).

the very first letter he gets from his parents is the only one they received in his second year. it makes no comment towards said maiming, no asking how well the scar has healed or should his vision have returned, it only asks if the dragon is well. if their beloved dead son's dragon has been well.

you're never going to escape these ghosts.

wanted connections: i am explaining to u how funny it would be to accidentally call aleksander, ilya because they look so much alike and ur asking if i am mentally well friends (reluctant and also weirdos). ppl who knew his brother. "friends because our dragons are friends/mates and i guess we should be too". worlds slowest and most fucked up slow burn.

[meenakshikeswani]

MaamuJaan

Dear MaamuJaan,

I never thought there would be a day when I had to write a letter to you. I've been trying to do this since 26months but couldn't. May be I find the courage today to finally finish writing this letter. I know I've been remembering you with tears, pain & disappointments. As I write this, I feel the warmth of your love around me, I see my eyes sparkling with tears & I see my hands shivering coz there's no one to hold them firmly like you did always. You've been my life coach, my mentor, my best friend, my constant corporate rant partner, foodie buddy, travel companion, adventure explorer & every possible bond through all ages in my life. 25 years back it was you who held my hand & took me to a cinema hall so that I can watch my first movie that is Kuch Kuch Hota hai. I know movies, songs, SRK all coz of you. I learnt how much fun lies in travelling to unknown destinations & exploring different adventures around. You made us explore most beautiful places & you made us aware about importance of Friendships in life. You made us realise how beautiful life can be. I remember singing 70s & 80s songs loudly & dancing on them with you during our travel journeys. I remember you surprising me with my favourite eateries & sweet dishes on every occasion we met. The sweets are no longer my favourite delicacies. The surprises no longer excite me & my childhood can no longer be remembered with happiness. You taught us to live, love & laugh no matter what. The art of giving infinite love & affection has been your legacy always. You've always taught me the real gentleman is all about being humble & chivalrous. To the corporate rants with you & discussing about my coffee dates; our never ending phone conversations & chats were my life saviour. You've been my forever listener, biggest critic, my cheerleader. There have been phases in life where you were in utmost pain but you still managed to take up every possible responsibility with the widest smile. I can't remember a single dull moment around you or a frown on your face. You've carried all the pain, responsibilities, not so favorable conditions, burdens of everyone's happiness on your shoulders without letting ppl know about your scars, wounds & disappointments. You've been my constant support system & you were a shade of happiness, love & warmth to all of us.  I remember seeing you in hospital when you were unwell & at that time also, you said...why are you here all the way from Hyderabad to see me..go back & resume back to work..its just a minor illness & I'll be back home in 2 days..

9th April, 2021- I can never write about this feeling..Seeing you on a death bed gave me flashback of all my childhood memories, my happy moments, your surprises, our fights, our debates, our never ending calls. I saw a part of us going away with you. I saw all the warmth, affection, love vanishing & we were completely sinking in an ocean of pain, disappointments, broken dreams, teary eyes, complaints from universe & hell lot of sorrows. We all have been so selfish throughout that we remember you for fulfilling our dreams, hopes & ambitions. You've been a fighter always till your last breathe & you did every possible thing throughout your life to give us joy. And look at us now, we are not even letting you go in peace coz of our selfish mottos. I know it's the most difficult thing for me to say but today I'll try once again & make your journey easier.

MAY YOU BE AT PEACE MAAMUJAAN & MAY YOU LIVE A PAIN-FREE LIFE WHEREVER YOU ARE. MAY YOU BE COURAGEOUS AS ALWAYS WHO SPREADS SMILES, HAPPINESS, WARMTH & AFFECTION. MAY YOU ALWAYS KEEP SHINING MY BRIGHTEST STAR.

I know our lives no longer remain same without you but I promise to do all those things that you always wanted us to do so that tomorrow if you look at us from up above the sky, you would feel proud of us. You always loved my write-ups so with this letter to you, I resume back to writing. You always loved to see me dancing & I promise you I'll surely pursue my hobby for at least once a week. You always taught us to explore unknown destinations & take up the adventures that you never thought of. And here I write you this letter post my trek with a group of 19 unknown strangers who made me accept life with a smile & here I am, accepting your going away. I know it won't be easy for any of us but I'll surely try my best to survive this. As you've always quoted me as "strong, bold & independent eldest daughter in family"; I'll surely keep this tag intact. You always wanted me to relocate back to Mumbai even though you were aware about my Canada visa arrivals. So here I am, completely moving back to Mumbai with a heart full of mixed emotions, chalking out my further career plans to sustain in this city. I know we all have made your soul stuck here in pain, denial phase & disappointments. But I promise you to free your soul today & let you live happily wherever you are. Henceforth, you'll be remembered with smiles, songs & happiness around. You'll be at peace for sure. May we all are able to set you free & be at peace. I'll continue to live, love & laugh as the way you taught us. I'll always look upto the sky when there's darkness on me coz I know for a fact that there's one brightest star up above who's watching me & guiding me through all the darkest times. I'll smile looking at that brightest star.

[ganen-cheese]

Hey ganen~there are some ppl on Weibo who speculate He tian & mo have started dating.. especially the sentence He said before hugging momo “我們都不准反悔” it’s like they made a huge promise on sth.. He tian keeps saying he’s Momo’s husband, and momo let He spoon him makes the whole situation more suspicious🤔 anyways, hope u are having a good day!

😇😇😇

That’s amazing!!! We can indeed see Momo being more pliant on He Tian since the incident 🥺❤️ I want to see behind the scenes of what took place when he took Momo home, and after he pulled him in to say he hoped Momo just liked him back.

***

He Tian has his eyes set on Momo, and Momo might be unsure where his future will take him, not having any high hopes for himself personally and just living day by day… but He Tian has set his mind that it’s only Momo… and that he wants to make him happy and safe more than anything else.

Momo has been shouldering everything by himself since he was young. He acts like a leader to his “gang”, trying to be a pillar like his dad and support his mom, putting on a tough face and hiding his vulnerabilities, problems and insecurities.

He Tian has proven, he’ll never leave Momo alone, despite Momo trying so hard to isolate himself again. Somehow he still showed up and was looking for him despite their fight. Despite Momo’s words to him. Allowed Momo a moment to rest and be vulnerable while he took care of him. He took Momo’s secrets and hid him and took care of him safely.

Momo was able to sleep and rely on He Tian, even if it’s just this moment, Momo was able to rest. Even if He Tian might think that he wasn’t there when Momo needed him most with She Li, I’m sure it means a lot to Momo that He Tian is actually there now, even if he doesn’t realize it. He Tian has become a big part of Momo’s life, an important part.

They might have to separate in the future to grow up, but we know they’ll find a way back towards one another and be able to love each other more properly the way they want to.

Even if there are no 100% confirmations about dating, they are indeed the most special person to one another 😭 and their bond has deepened more and more throughout all this time. I also like to think, even if there are no confessions or a “real” starting point of where they transform from friends to lovers, it just becomes like that naturally for them because that was the natural flow. There is just simply no one else and little by little they become closer and closer and it just becomes normal, like the spooning 👀❤️ Even if Momo doesn’t explicitly say things, he allows He Tian to do some things which is 😭

He Tian is someone Momo can rely on… even if he didn’t ask for it… even if Momo is a person who finds it hard to be vulnerable to others, to explicitly admit a “weakness” (in his POV). He Tian is someone who will not wait for Momo’s words. He wants to be there for him, even if some might call that being selfish, of He Tian just doing what he wants, that’s part of He Tian’s strong feelings for Momo. He doesn’t care if he’s being selfish or whatever, he wants to be with Momo. If that Momo is suffering of course he wants to help him. He wants to be the one to make him happy. I love that He Tian’s love is selfless and selfish at the same time ❤️ He’s not perfect, but his feelings for Momo are true.

I’m sorry Anon for going on an essay. Your Ask made me think again of reasons I love them. I hope they’ll be together stronger and better ❤️ and they will make each other better and stronger ❤️ They can be officially dating in our minds 👀👀❤️❤️ They already have the love, just no written confirmation 👀❤️❤️❤️

[moonlit-imagines]

Headcanons for being Tony Stark’s stepkid

Tony Stark x Potts!child!reader

warnings: alcohol mention

a/n: i rushed these so bad i just wanted to post dhhshsnsna

prompt: y/n is pepper’s kiddo!

it was just you and your mom for a long time

pepper and y/n potts

she couldn’t keep up with you sometimes, too busy dealing with the manchild that was mister anthony edward stark

speaking of—

“uh, who’s this?” -tony, pointing at you

“mr. stark, i am so sorry, the school closed because some kid set fire to the science lab and i didn’t have time to find a sitter—”

“no, it’s fine, no need to apologize. hey, kid, you wanna sit in the boss’s chair? i’ll let you run the company for the day!” *cue you nodding* “sweet, would you mind that, ms. potts?”

“oh? no, not at all” *mouthing* “thank you”

“so, uh, what’s your name? no, don’t tell me: ketchup.”

*giggling* “y/n”

“no way! that was my second guess!”

tony wasn’t used to being around kids

he had no idea that he was actually kind of good around them

despite a few minor hiccups

“you sit in my chair and im gonna spin you around, sound like fun?”

he spun you around WAY too fast and you were diiiiizzy, also you fell off the chair

“don’t tell your mom that we did that. she may be my assistant, but she scares the shit out of me. also, don’t say ‘shit’”

dude he just thought you were a cool kid!!!

“hey, you know, ms. potts, you dont really need to hire a babysitter anymore. y/n’s doing just fine hanging out here”

“how am i not surprised you befriended an actual child?”

she still took him up on his offer, you seemed pretty happy

when your mom worked late, you passed out in tonys office

tony and you had your own little secrets (like falling off the spinning chair), tony showed you around stark tower, and you practically lived there

“i got you a happy meal from mcdonalds!” -tony every day after your school

in all honesty, you weren’t the “popular” kid at school...not even close

but tony made up for it

“y/n! i found this old racecar toy in a box of old stuff, you wanna hold onto it for me?”

you kind of grew up in stark tower tbh? it was pretty cool

and as you grew up, you started to notice more

“mr. tony, do you have a crush on my mom?”

“do i what? no, no, i do—who the hell am i kidding? you caught me”

“called it!”

after that you did everything to try and get them together

when your mom was talking to tony, you would stand behind her and wiggle your eyebrows and just taunt tony endlessly

no! tony cannot remember your mom’s birthday for the life of him! you are his calendar now

“dude, why dont you just ask JARVIS to remind you?”

“i may be a genius, but that doesn’t mean i have common sense”

“wise words, sir” -JARVIS

when tony disappeared for 3 months you were so sad???? like you were not okay at all

no

and when he came back, he literally exited the plane saying “WHERE’S ‘T-POTT??’”

(your wonderful nickname. ‘t’ for ‘tony jr.’ and ‘pott’ for ‘potts’)

“my mom missed you”

“oh, i bet she did”

“you turned my child into you, tony. i will never forgive you for this”

“well, at least y/n was here to fill in for me, huh?”

tony wanted to show you the arc reactor but he was actually afraid of scarring you lmfaoooo

but he did let you in on the iron man secret (he knew you wouldn’t snitch)

and just to make sure:

“if you dont tell anyone, i’ll buy you a car when you turn 16”

“man, that’s like, forever away”

“good, maybe you’ll forget by then”

ur mom kinda maybe sorta found out abt iron man :/ she told you that tony was a bad influence

“mom! no, tony’s cool! he’s like a superhero”

“no, sweetie, he’s a rich guy with issues. we’re leaving”

that didn’t last long

not long at all

and soon they FINALLY got together

“jeez, i thought you two would never stop pining after each other”

“couldnt have done it without my wingman” -tony *fistbump*

“as thanks can i have my own iron man suit?”

“yes.” *pepper glaring at him* “no.”

sooner or later your mom and you moved into tony’s house and you got a really big room!!!!

it was completely decked out

king sized bed, flatscreen tv, mini-fridge, microwave, computer, your own bathroom with a smaller tv, a poster of tony??? (you vandalized it and put it in his workshop), and more!!!

okay you were spoiled

“do you like it here? are you sure i made the right choice?” -pepper

“are you kidding, mom? this is awesome! plus, you’re happy, i’m happy, tony’s happy, i think JARVIS is even happy!”

“i am, mx. potts. simply ecstatic” -JARVIS

pepper was really happy!! it was a pretty cool family

you started giving your school tony’s number if you ever got in trouble, you knew he’d cover for you

“mr. potts, is it?”

“sure”

“your child, y/n, punched another student in the face today. we’re very disappointed in their behavior”

“why’d they punch the kid?”

“well, the other student punched y/n first”

“HAH! thank you for wasting my time. send y/n back to class and call me back if something important comes up”

he literally gave you a high five when you got home

“i gave him a black eye!”

“i couldn’t be more proud. i mean, i dont condone violence, but self defense is a whole other story”

a little help in the workshop, tony asks you to hold the flashlight

“why don’t you get one of your robots to hold this for you?”

“are you kidding me, you’re complaining? we’re having stepdad/stepkid bonding time! and dum-e can’t do anything right, i dont trust him”

youve had a few theme park trips as a family ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

also tony has 100% told you to wait in the car and then left you alone for 2+ hours

“i’m not like a regular dad, im a step-dad. want some beer? you can have a little sip. i’d rather you do it in the house”

your mother actually does love how he actually cares about you!

“y/n is 12% my responsibility” -tony

“tony, you are impossible” -pepper

no avengering for you! pepper said no!!!!!!

disappointed but not surprised

iron man 3: y/n potts is put through the wringer

Text Message to Mr. Tony: bro you better come get your girl, me and happy are watching this other guy flirting with her. he’s showing her pics of his ‘big brain’

Mr. Tony: HE WHAT

Text Message to Mr. Tony: Tony he looks creepy i don’t want him to be my new stepdad do something!!!

anyways ur house kinda blew up and ur mom and you kinda got kidnapped and u were right abt that guy being creepy and thankfully no experiments were done on you but like your mom kinda almost died and her and tony were fine!!! all good in the end

you met mr. col. james rhodes that day

“aw, you’re the kid ive heard so much about” -rhodey

“you mean the coolest kid in the world?check.”

“you cant tell me you aren’t tony’s biological child, good god”

you got to meet the avengers later on too! (you’d already met natasha tho, only briefly)

“i know it can be a little overwhelming, right? meeting all these heros, legends even—” -rhodey

“oh, my god, is that thor? thor!!” -you, leaving rhodey in the dust

literally why does pepper trust you around tony something always goes wrong there were literally robots attacking, you were only at avengers tower bc your mom was busy with the company and she thought you’d be safe with the avengers. the AVENGERS.

“please dont tell your mom that i created a bad robot that tried to kill us. the robot will be the least of our problems” -tony

he made happy pick you up and you had to miss out on FUN and it sucked a lot

“it’s okay, y/n! i’m fun, too!” -happy

then your mom and tony took a break and your life got mega-boring for a while, but they weren’t separated for that long. you try not to think about it. it was brutal

Mr. Tony: Does she miss me?

New Message to Mr. Tony: I think so. Either that or she’s crying and drinking wine in the dark for no reason.

Mr. Tony: Damn it, now I feel bad. I miss her a lot. Oh, also, the Avengers say ‘hi,’ I’m in Germany with some bad news, I’ll explain later if you don’t see it on TV first, and I found you the perfect friend! His name is Peter and I think you’d like the school he goes to, it’s in Midtown. Smart kid school.

New Message to Mr. Tony: I’ll look into it, thanks. Also, I don’t like how those all connect. Please update me asap

watching the news to see several avengers arrested, cap on the run, and more!

“maybe it was good i didn’t fall in with the avengers”

tony and pepper finally got back together and you actually transferred to midtown high! peter and his friend group accepted you quickly, it was great. you and flash unfortunately had the most in common

you’d literally text happy right next to peter and he’d immediately reply to you. it hurt peter’s feelings

Momma: Sweetie! I’m working in the office late, leftovers are in the fridge, hope you have a wonderful day at school! 💕

👉👈the vulture tried to kill you for being tony’s stepkid, tony made peter promise to protect you

“y/n, you gotta stay out of harm’s way. mr. stark gave me an actual mission and it’s terrifying, i have to make sure you stay safe”

legit why the fuck was this old man tryna kill you bro grow up

anyyyywayssss your mom and tony got engaged!!

“wow, i thought the day would never come!!” -you

ppl told you tony isnt your stepdad bc ur mom and him werent married but who tf asked

why is the earth always in fucking danger

you and peter were just vibing on the field trip bus and all the sudden: space donut

“go! i’ll cover for you...FRIDAY, call tony”

“...hi there, little one”

“what the fuck”

“oh, so you see the aliens, too? well, at least im not crazy”

tony stark has left the atmosphere

you and your mom were kinda......not chillin tho

she and you didn’t sleep for a few nights, then ppl just straight up disappeared

plot twist: you survived the snap and your family was lucky to be alive, you even got a little sister who became a big handful!

only bad thing was all your friends dusted and you were pretty lonely

but watching morgan grow up kept you busy

“ahhh, shes so big!”

happy times in bad times

bad times!!!!! bc after five years thanos came back as thanos from like ten years ago. outdated thanos. obsolete thanos.

but you made your first and only appearance in the suit tony actually designed for you many years ago

you should have just stayed home tho bc that fight didnt pass the vibe check

“please dont tell me he...no, no, no, no, no”

you and your mom latched onto each other in tears, tony was one of the best people in your life, he made you and your mom two of the happiest people on earth

best stepdad a kid could ever ask for

taglist: @alwaysananglophile // @rorybutnotgilmore // @locke-writes // @sweetheartliz07 // @queen-destenie // @natasha-danvers // @lokihiddles // @frostedgiantfavs // @emygirl // @lotsoffandomrecs // @johnmurphyisbisexual // @teenwaywardasgardian // @pappydaddy // @captainshazamerica // @freya-xo // @ravenmoore14 // @purpleskiesstorm // @ofthedewthesunlight //

[compassionatereminders]

I think my partner is planning on asking to marry them. We've been together some time but we practicality been best friends half of our lives. It was scary dating them at first bc what if we lost that friendship, but we melded together so well. We both are really experienced in relationships, we 've settled in a relative stable studio (considering NY), and are in stages of our lives with, sure, work and uni but I'm comfortable with them and I love them very much. I don't know to wait a bit but I also really would love to be their spouse. I don't know, marriage for me is important bc you're together in the eyes of the law but also not bc i wouldn't change much of what we're doing, i think it would feel natural. We're not religious so it's more of a sacred bond between our love for each other and the IRS. The problem is that we're very young (early 20s). I don't want to sound like teen romance over here tho but they have been the only one i even thought i could marry from all my previous partners. I also think the right time is when you feel like it's right and, i don't know, i think they're the person that make me feel alive and warmth from some time now. Also for them marriage is similar. Honestly we've been joking in marrying for a while (sometimes they call me their spouse, i love it) but recently they started to hint that they want to make it official. We both are in conditions to marry without any problem. I would love to say yes but I also worry if ppl will think we're impulsive and immature. Do you think it's too early to think about marriage?

Not if it feels right. Then it doesn't matter what society assumes.

[travis-and-jodi]

Travis & Deanna ~~~~~~ some old pics of me & you

For ten years Deanna Reid was Travis’ best friend. They met in 1998, when Travis had just returned from his mission in Colorado. It didn’t take long for them to realize the bond they had was something special. It had nothing to do with PPL or religion, although they both were LDS and shared the same ward. It also was devoid of sex or gratification. It was just two people trying to get started in life and connecting on an authentic level.

What started as friendship eventually grew into more and within a few months of dating, Travis started talking about marriage. But Deanna was only 21 years old and thought it was important to complete a mission of her own. So in June of 2000, Deanna left for Costa Rica where she would remain until November 2001. They were able to stay in touch, but only through letters. Travis was devastated that she left and frequently professed his love.

But Travis was in his early twenties and was finding it hard to maintain the long distance relationship. He started seeing somebody else, a girl named Linda Ballard. He wrote to Deanna to let her know.

There’s always been a pattern of Travis needing to connect quickly. No doubt, that vulnerability was born out of neglect and the loss of both of his parents.

For a brief time, Travis shared a good relationship with Linda. So much so that he bought a ring for her in 2001. This was the engagement ring that Jodi borrowed from Travis in 2008. But Linda was not a fan of PPL. In fact, she wanted Travis to quit his business which, of course, he wouldn’t. It became a major point of contention between the two and eventually ended their relationship. But the timing worked out well because Deanna was just about to return. By January 2002, Travis and Deanna were dating again.

The pair seemed to pick up pretty effortlessly from where they left off. In her book, Our Friend Travis, Sky describes this as a happy time in Travis’ life. She says Deanna “meant everything to him”.

When you examine the Travis that was dating Deanna several yearsago to the Travis we saw in 2008, there are some obvious differences that are hard to miss. The blazing ego and focus on money has not yet become a driving factor in his life. Travis seems a lot more humble and easy-going. Deanna describes their relationship as fun.

The other big difference is Travis’ ability to communicate with Deanna. They talk about everything, including his past, which he has since not been able to do with any of his other girlfriends. But a change creeps in after Deanna. We find Travis too intimidated by Mimi to fully be himself. Her family was filled with scholars and musicians and next to her he felt inadequate. Lisa was young and not quite experienced enough yet to handle a discussion of that magnitude, about the deep pain and betrayal that comes with family dysfunction. With Deanna, there was no pretense, there was no T-Dogg; there was just love.

(VANITY: Jodi Arias by Lisa Wilson & Nick van der Leek)

JANUARY 26, 2008

06:15:12 DEANNA to TRAVIS: Turns out we’re not going to CA… Just thought I’d let ya know. But I am going snowboarding for the first time tomorrow! Wish me luck! Night travi.. Love you :-)

06:22:32 TRAVIS: Only bunny slope be careful. Love you too.

06:26:06 DEANNA: Don’t worry I’ll be careful… promise

From 2002 to 2004, Travis and Deanna were living in Riverside, CA, and were in an exclusive, committed relationship. Deanna was working for a company called Knox. They were located in Irvine, CA, but were moving their headquarters to Phoenix, AZ. Deanna decided she wanted to make the move as well. Travis also felt it was time for a change, and property was also more affordable in the Mesa, AZ, area than Southern California. They could both further their futures and continue their relationship.

Once they settled into their new places in Arizona – Travis with a new home and Deanna with an apartment – their relationship progressed and they became sexually intimate. That intimacy would continue over the course of the next year, but being serious about their faith [which required chastity] they decided it was time to speak with their Bishop. They stopped having sex and divulged all their sins. By breaking the Laws of Chastity, Travis lost his temple recommend.

But that wasn’t the only crack in Travis’ and Deanna’s relationship. Once again, the issue of marriage reared its ugly head. Ironically, this time, it was Deanna who wanted to get married but this time Travis couldn’t commit, he said he just wasn’t ready.

So what had changed? Five years prior, he desperately wanted to marry Deanna. And then shortly after, he wanted to marry Linda Ballard. But now, five years down the road, and three years into the best relationship of his life, he couldn’t make the commitment. Why?

In 2005, Travis had a very different life. He was finally starting to see the fruits of his labor with PPL. He was also on the verge of making a triple digit salary, while his best buddy, Chris Hughes, was becoming a millionaire. Travis bought his first house for $ 250,000, and at 3500 square feet, it wasn’t exactly your typical starter home. Next on the list, Travis bought a BMW.

When you consider where Travis was 15 years prior, starving daily in a roach-infested home, can you blame him for enjoying this lavish new life? Being so completely deprived of life’s necessities at such a young age sparked a fire in Travis that burned out of control. You see it all the time, people going from one extreme to the next. Giving up one vice only to get lost in another. That’s exactly what Travis did. He replaced poverty with money and sex. And when that becomes your priority in life, there’s simply no room for a woman like Deanna.

With all of these other women that Travis engaged, he didn’t have to be that starving child, he could be so much more. And that’s when he became T-Dogg. He systematically dismantled the life he had with Deanna, because the thought of ever being hurt by her was the equivalent of his parents dying and leaving him all over again. Subconsciously, he probably thought he was doing himself a favour by having relationships that just scratched the surface. But as we know, by 2008 Travis was spiralling out of control. With every empty association, he needed another to fill a new void created. It was addiction running rampant and it effected every decision Travis made.

Travis always said that whoever he dated would have to accept Deanna in his life. He had no intentions of ever giving that friendship up. But for a girl like Jodi, that was never gonna happen. People have always focused on Mimi being the girl that sent Jodi over the edge, but in reality the thorn in Jodi’s side was always Deanna. And Jodi never missed an opportunity to get her jabs in whenever she could. She even dissed Deanna in the 19 page letter she wrote to the Alexander family in July 2008, after she killed Travis.

“It wasn’t until February 2, 2007 that we decided to make things official. Things went really well despite one small hang up: Deanna Reid. I had no hostility toward her, from what Travis said, she seems like a very nice girl. But he made it clear that she could under no circumstances ever know about us because if she found out she would freak out and he was tired of dealing with her every time he tried to date someone. I was very understanding of this, as I had dealt with a similar situation in the past.”

All of this was a crock of shit. Even though Travis intentionally sabotaged his relationship with Deanna, he never stopped loving or caring for her, not even for a day.

APRIL 11, 2008

02:43:55 DEANNA to TRAVIS: Found some really old pics of me and you today. They were making me laugh! I love you Travi :-)

03:32:53 TRAVIS: And I love you :-)

APRIL 22, 2008

07:12:19 DEANNA to TRAVIS: I’m glad we hung out today… Thanks for always being my friend! Good night.

Deanna testified for the prosecution in the original trial in 2013, as well as the penalty phase in 2015. Both times she was a rock for Travis and his family.

Check out the look on Jodi’s face while Deanna testifies, it says it all doesn’t it? [1: 12]

Jodi’s just doodling away, making her artwork, but the look of disdain on her face is impossible to miss. I think if she could have jumped over the table and stabbed Deanna in the neck with her pencil, she would have. But Deanna’s a fighter; she stood her ground, not only with Jodi but with Jennifer Willmott too [1: 50].

Deanna was Travis’ constant. Even though they didn’t end up together, she was forever that person in his life. Chris Hughes acknowledges this in his letter to Travis in January 2007:

“In the 5 years I have known you, you have never committed to one woman, yet you have had dozens of women who would have loved just that. In those 5 years, the one constant has been Deanna. But she has been in a constant state of I don’t even know what since I have known her. You tell her you love her on many occasions, yet there is no commitment, yet the relationship, whatever it is, continues.”

June 9th, 2021 3:36pm Youtube 2000 2000.06 2005 2007 2008 2007.02 2007.01 2002.02.02 2008.01.26 2008.04 2008.04.11 2008.04.22

If there was one bright spot in all of the shit that Travis endured the last few years of his life, it was the friendship of Deanna. She stood by him, and supported him, in every way possible. She never lost sight of the man that was buried behind his vanity.

(VANITY: Jodi Arias by Lisa Wilson & Nick van der Leek)

[jougogo]

young & beautiful - iwaizumi hajime

a/n: hello. this broke me when i wrote it. literally, 3am and full on sobs. also, a large part of this fic was inspired by a book called hotel on the corner of bitter and sweet by jamie ford. it provides a lot of insightful views about japanese internment camps in the united states during wold war 2, so if you’re interested i would highly recommend reading it! this is a songfic to young and beautiful by lana del rey but i would recommend listening to summertime sadness as well, also by lana del rey. CLARIFICATION; this fic is set in the ww2 time period! and i like to think that iwa is a lil younger here, so maybe like 15-16? anyways ENJOY MWAH 

warnings: mentions of war, racist ppl >:( and v angsty!! 

wc: 2.1k

I've seen the world, done it all

Had my cake now

Diamonds, brilliant, in Bel-Air now

Hot summer nights, mid July

When you and I were forever wild

The crazy days, city lights

The way you'd play with me like a child

he knew that this would be the last time he sees you.

you. 

the same one wearing those new blue jeans even though it’s mid-july and the air is sickeningly humid, sitting with bare feet dangling over the edge of the rooftop at 4am, with hair softly rustling from the occasional cool breeze that made the hot california summers more bearable. 

"hey, i guess this is the last time we’ll meet on this rooftop, huh?" you said, looking out at the sleepy city.

"don't say that! you know it’s not true," he quickly chided you, but the break in his voice told you the opposite of what he was trying to convince you. what he tried to convince himself

hajime put his arm around your shoulders and sat down next to you

the two of you looked out peacefully at the quiet streets of san francisco from the top of your shared townhouse building. 

it was almost like little stars, the way that spots of brightness from the city lights were scattered sporadically through the darkness. 

"you know, if we get caught for being out this late at night, we would probably die. if the police catches us for not respecting the curfew, we would be in so much trouble. especially with the new relocation orders that the president signed, and the war hysteria, and not to mention the curfew that the government set-" he started, but was interrupted by your dreamy voice.

"i know. but i've seen the world. i've had my cake, you know ? i'm content if this is the way it ends, even if it's not me wearing diamonds and having a mansion in bel air, " you chuckled.

"hey! those were movies. they don't count as seeing the world. and also, diamonds and bel air? pfft, as if you could ever," he rebutted playfully. ever since he was a kid, he would always make it a point to take you downtown to the movie theatre and watch whatever happened to be playing that day. to be honest, he would've never stopped if it weren't for the war.

"oh, hajime. just let me dream a little, alright?" you huffed dramatically, earning a small smile from him.

the dim streetlights from the road provided just enough light to illuminated your features. oh, how he wished he could burn this memory into his mind forever. the way your eyes reflected the moon, the corner of your lips turned upwards just so slightly, a couple wisps of your hair framing your face with the rest pulled back into a lazy braid, held together by a single red ribbon. 

red.

the color red.

it brought him back to one of his favorite childhood memories; when the every neighborhood in their little japantown would come together to celebrate new years. 

the popping firecrackers, the festive lanterns and fiery signs hanging by the doors.

a time when he would explore the different stores, hand in hand with you, and later chasing you down the sloped streets for taking a bite out of the snack he bought. giggling as adults scolded them for being reckless and wild. his mouth watering as the women of the neighborhood carry out trays upon trays of delicious food, the feeling of present a warm meat bun in his hand, chimes of “itadakimasu” ringing around him. not a care in the world, just pure joy and happiness. it was always what he looked forward to as a child. 

oh, what he wouldn't give to go back to those days

Will you still love me when I'm no longer young and beautiful?

Will you still love me when I got nothin' but my aching soul?

I know you will, I know you will, I know that you will

Will you still love me when I'm no longer beautiful?

"will you still love me when i'm not young and beautiful?" you asked softly, pulling him out of his thoughts. he felt your small fingers wrap around his, clasping his hand. "what if the next time i see you, i'm old and wrinkly like a raisin?"

"well, i'd be a wrinkly old raisin too. so what? it doesn’t make a difference in how much i love you, " he replied nonchalantly

"then will you still love me when i’ve got nothing left but my soul?" 

upon hearing you ask yet another question, hajime stiffened

"stop asking silly questions," he finally managed to mumble out, hugging his knees closer to his chest.

"you know. they force you to leave behind all your belongings. they take everything away, iwa-chan." you spoke softly. "i'm leaving behind all my important stuff at the basement of the panama hotel. they're really nice people, you know? for letting us keep our stuff there. maybe, if we both come back, they'll still be there and we can look through our old pictures together." you said quietly, twiddling your hair ribbon between your fingers. your hair was wavy from being in the braid all day, and now they were finally freed.

free. how he wished he could be free from all these restrictions again.

he tried to think about happier memories, but everything became painful as the realization dawned on him that he will lose everything. it was inevitable. the little grocery store around the corner owned by that old married couple his mom always talks to? they were escorted away weeks ago. the ice cream parlor he loved because they would always give him extra whipped cream for ordering in japanese? shut down by the government's order. he remembered the harsh words he had heard from a group of protesters when he biked past the golden gate park on his way to run an errand for his mother.

"all japanese are dangerous. they are traitors to the country,"

and that’s when he noticed their pointed glares at him.

“i was raised here! i’d never be a traitor!” he so desperately wanted to yell. but his body told him to keep pedaling away, as fast as he possibly can.

seeing people with these horrible prejudice against him, a stranger, even a kid whom they’ve never met, felt like a stab to the heart

but it also angered hajime to no end

it was the biggest lie he's ever heard. dangerous? that's not true. ok, maybe there were a few pervy geezers, but he knew that this community that he loved was anything but dangerous.

so why are they the one being punished?

he knew he would lose everything eventually. he just didn't think he'd lose the love of his life so soon.

her family had gotten the notice two days ago. 

"sacramento. and maybe oregon. probably washington, even idaho" you had told him.

somewhere far, far away from him

he had heard that the concentration camps, or "relocation centers," as the news had put it,

were cold. 

the images of concrete, barbed wire and cramped spaces, the stories of families working relentlessly from day to night only to be treated like prisoners, and the thought of sleeping on the freezing floors filled his mind. just thinking about it made him shudder, but the scariest thing was that he doesn't know when his family will be next

growing up, your family and the iwaizumis had been neighbors. he lived on the first floor, and you lived above him. the two of you had bonded over your parent’s chatting, and having each other for dinner was a common occurrence. his parents treated you as their own child, and your parents did the same with hajime. heck, no one would bat an eye if you announced that you were going to sleep over at his house because you two practically lived together. 

you were his first love. his best friend. every moment of his childhood, had been spent with you.

you were the ribbon that held him together through his messy life, and now he was losing you

overwhelmed, he could feel his throat began to tighten. his breathing became heavier as he tried to blink back the tears that welled in his dark green eyes.

"hey. you can cry on me, if you want." you comforted him. it was like you could read him like a book, because he frantically sputtered out an excuse

“what are you talking about? and also, to answer your dumb question, i'll love you no matter what. i don't care how long it takes, or what we look like, or-"

you hovered your finger above his lips, gently shushing him.

"i know you will, haji, i know that you will," you said softly as you caressed his cheek. he looked away, but he couldn’t help but choke out a sob

you patted his head and pulled him into a hug, burying his face into the crook of your neck. warm tears dampened the sleeve of your shirt.

"please. please. i don’t want you to leave," he mumbled into your shoulder as you ran your fingers through his messy black hair.

Dear Lord, when I get to heaven

Please, let me bring my man

When he comes, tell me that You'll let him in

Father, tell me if You can

All that grace, all that body

All that face makes me wanna party

He's my sun, he makes me shine like diamonds

“maybe, one day we'll see each other again.” you said when he finally lifted his head. 

you stood up and held out your hand to him, an offer to help pull him up since he was probably sore from sitting for so long

however, he didn’t let go of your hand once he stood back up. 

“dance with me?” he asked, sniffling and wiping away the last tear.

you nodded, and he began to sway to the faint sound of jazz music coming from the nightclub a few blocks away. 

“hey, this is our swing dance routine from PE in 7th grade,” you smiled fondly at the memory as he twirled you around him, only to twirl you back into his arms. nodding in confirmation, he dipped you gracefully, his strong arms wrapped around your waist. 

that’s when he noticed the tear trickling down your cheek. it faintly sparkled in the moonlight, similar to how a diamond would.

“i’m going to miss you, hajime iwaizumi from the first floor. thank you for making me happy,” you whispered, looking up at him. he pulled you back up, and held you in his warm embrace. 

“even if we don't see each other again in this life, i'm sure i'll find you again. if you’re good, maybe i’ll see you in heaven. be good, haji. be good for me. promise?” you muttered into his chest before pulling away to look him in the eyes.

“no promises. you might have to beg god to let me in.”

“ok. i’ll see you in heaven, hajime,” you whispered, cupping his cheek

and that’s when you pulled him down for a kiss. it was a light, almost featherlike, brush across his lips. your elbows were resting on his shoulders, and your forearm crossed behind his neck. hajime leaned his forehead against yours, the tips of your noses just barely touching 

“can we stay like this, for a little while longer?” he asked breathily, still reeling in shock from his first kiss

“mhm. i love you, hajime.” you answered, gazing into his pretty green eyes as they fluttered open. 

in the distance, you could see that the had sun begun rising over the horizon, enveloping the two of you in the warm light of morning. you basked in the serene orange glow, admiring every feature of the beautiful boy in front of you. 

“i love you,”

he can’t wait to find you again.

tags!! @deadontheinsidebut (ilysm mwah ty for supporting me!!) @aka-a-shii (here you go i hope you enjoy bby!!!) @toshisgarden (mwah mwah ilysm)

[antique-symbolism]

not the same anon but as someone whose been struggling with this a lot. how do you find ppl and form those kinds of close long term bonds? is it something youve ever done on purpose or is it just luck? sorry if this is kinda a hard q i get if you dont answer it

It is a hard question, but I do want to answer! Might get long, putting it under a cut

I think part of it is luck, yeah. I met a lot of them in K-12 school, when we had an explicit reason to be together all the time and without the increased self-consciousness (and busyness!) of adulthood. I met others in college when we all lived in the same walkable area and had social clubs and community events all the time.

I'm actually a very socially anxious person a lot of the time but I also am naturally drawn towards spending time with people. I've been told I have a charisma that people gravitate towards so those are also factors that make it easier for me to make friends.

But a lot of it is effort. Effort to get to know somebody, effort to make yourself known, effort to communicate about needs and wants, effort to spend time with someone, effort to keep contact up often across huge chasms of distance and time.

I think it's important to break down what it is you have trouble with when it comes to close bonds before you can figure out how to make them more frequently and easily. For me I know my biggest barrier is making the jump from acquaintance/casual friend to friend I feel close to.

'Cause it's awkward! Even if they're really cool, I know I'm going to have long silences when we both run out of things to talk about. I know I'm going to feel a bit pressured to be constantly entertaining and fill our time with cool stuff to do and say so there are less of those silences. I know I'm going to worry that they'll say something that makes me feel weird and I'll have to figure out how to address it. I know I'm going to worry that I'll say something that makes them feel weird, and wonder if they're going to talk to me about it or if I have to just agonize over whether I said/did the right thing. I know when I'm tired and it's time to stop hanging out, I'm going to have to go through the awkward process of figuring out how to politely end the interaction.

It takes a long time and a lot of energy!! But I try to do it anyway because the fun and the love and support I get from knowing them is well worth that effort.

If you can identify specific things you have trouble with when it comes to friendships, I can definitely try to give you more advice if you think it might be helpful. You deserve to have special people in your life who give you the love and support you need!

[kendrixtermina]

On the great selfishness of forced “reconcilliation”or, what’s in it for me? (A Thinkpiece)

It’s very clear and easy to see what he would get out of it: A great relief to his ego, self-image and pride. A feeling of attaining his goal. He’d no longer have to explain to himself or anyone why his daughter isn’t speaking to him. He would be more comform with the image and values he wants to attain. He would have piece of mind. 

I’m even gonna be generous and grant that he would feel happy about the connection and being able to show his love, though I personally don’t buy it. 

But what do I get? 

A common retort here tends to be that I’d get “peace of mind”, and I grant that this can be true for a person who hates conflict and feels distres from disharmony, but I am really quite comfortable with some conflict. I don’t care to be friends with everyone. I get that not everyone will like me, and I’m fine with that. 

It’s actually rather arrogant for someone to inflate their own importance to the point that they think your mentsal wholeness, hapiness and peace of mind depends wholly on themselves - like all your other relationships, your job,  your hobbies and any self-improvement efforts you might be  doing don’t matter at all. It’s jarring that anyone would think claiming that would make you forgive them, especially if your initial complaint was that they are arrogant and treated you as an extension of themselves rather than a whole person. They’re claiming that they changed and in the same breath showing that they still think your life revolves around them, that they get to have the relationship by default without ever having to build it. 

And even such a person for whom forgiveness would bring piece of mind could just forgive the person in the quiet of their own heat for their own betterment without reestablishing relations. They wouldn’t be keeping to themselves because of a grudge, but simply because there is no good reason to connect. 

Do you need a reason?

Well, if you didn’t, then you would have to connect to every single person who has not given you reason to loathe them. That’s impossible. 

Consider that there are seven billion human beings on this planet. Most of them I will never meet. I couldn’t be friends with all of them even if I wanted. We all have limited time and energy. So, I have to pick some.

And to pick all the ones who just happen to be nearby seems like leaving a very important part of your life up to randomness. Your social contacts, after all, influence what values ideas you’re exposed to and what kind of support is available to you, and what experiences and energies you invite into your life.

It makes sense to first consider your family: They’re already nearby, you get to know them very well by virtue of living together, they’re biologically programmed to get attached to you, and they are likely to have things in common with you.

So if you know nothing else, it makes good sense to assume that a family member is a good candidate for a social contact. 

But there are also family members who are NOT good choices for company. I think most of us can agree to this as a principle at least for extreme cases like rape. 

So, it’s rather like this: A family member is a good candidate for social contact unless proven otherwise. 

If we were like god who can be everywhere at once and needs nothing and never gets tired, then maybe we could be friends with everyone who is not an irreedemable sinner, but I am not god. 

Any relationship costs time and energy. Yet, this can be very worthwhile, because human relationships also have great benefits.

For a relationship to be worth keeping up, the benefits have to equal or outweigh the work. 

In our christianity-influenced culture it is still considered shameful to admit that you “want” something out of a relationship, but really, all of us do - that’s why we start and maintain relationships. Not being aware of that makes us blind.

By ‘benefits’ I don’t just mean shallow things like sex, attention or status. If you are longing for deep, meaningful experiences, that’s your benefit. If you love to give and see others thrive, that’s your benefit. 

And I don’t mean that as a clever gotcha or as some cynical assertion that all relationships are inherently transactional, but as an useful mental framework to make oneself aware of the desired end result and check if one’s actions are in accordance with that.

If you want your children to trust you, you can’t judge and humiliate them when it’s convenient because that destroys the trust that keeps them listening to you & sustains the relationship. In the book “7 habits of extraordinaryly efficient people” this is called Production vs. Production Capacity or “The Goose and the Golden Egg”. 

And don’t get me wrong, nortmally, there are great benefits to keeping in touch with your parent as an adult: 

They typically have more ressources and are more advanced in their careers, so they can help you if you’re in trouble

They might be wiser, more experienced and more mature than you, so they can give you valuable advice

And lastly, you have all the benefits you’d get from any close social bond: Companionship and emotional support. They can listen to your woes, share you joy, you can tell them your thoughts, liven up your everyday life, and they can also introduce you to new ideas and viewpoints, and motivate you to go beyond your comfort zone. What’s more, being with a loved one can give you a feeling of meaning and community all on its own. Just seeing them on its own can make you feel happy, satisfied and meaningful. They don’t even need to do anything. They might be interesting and loveable and just all around enjoyable to be around and fill your heart with warm fondness.

People who have even 1 decent parent should be aware how lucky they are compared to ppl with no parents or two unforgiveable asshat parents. Every time you spend a good time with your parent, think of all the orphans, thrown-out gay kids etc. who don’t have that. Having a nice parent who supports you well into adulthood is a cause for great gratitude. 

But now let’s look at an abusive jerk parent. 

Could I get material support? No, because it comes with a proce tag of emotional distress. You will be guilt tripped even for the baby wipes that wiped your newborn butt! Super not worth it. If I wanted to pretend to like someone for money, I would just open an onlyFans, it’d be much less stressful 

Could I get valuable advice? Is he wise? No. He is a fool. All his opinions are copypasted from rightwing websites. H e was telling us to heard hydroxy last year. Is he mature? He has the maturity of a toddler My 20 year old sister is a hundred times more mature. 

Could I get emotional support? No, you have to walk on eggshells around him

Could i share my thoughts? No. he flies into a range if anyone voices any opinion that isn’t to his liking

Could we have fun together? No. He hates my lifestyle and values, and I loathe his. I think his politics are deeply immoral and he probably thinks the same about mine. We have zero interests in common. He only ever mocked my music and interests and tried to force me into sharing his so that I now associate them with bad memories. I would never be friends with such a person normally.  I would count to ten so that O don’t waste time having pointless arguments with them on youtube comments.  He says people like me are destroying Europe and that we are lazy degenerates. And this is assuming I believe that he didnt mean all the other outrageous things hes since made flimsy pretend apologies for.  

Could I relax around him? No. I’m rather efficiently pavlov trained to associate him with pain and humiliation. Speaking to him tires me alot. It would cost me much, much more effort than any other relationship, and much time I could be spending doing useful things or interacting with people that I don’t have bad blood with & that don’t trigger emotional flashbacks with their mere presence

Would I enjoy being near him? No. He has zero traits that I like, value or enjoy. I absolutely do not enjoy being near him. I might have suffered him to touch me as I child because I was told to by my mother whom I trusted, but it was always with fear. He’s also never shown much signs of being interested in me. He would always yell at me if I entered a room and cried and whined about what a burden and a punishment I was. That is, except for making me take courses so he could then brag about having a child that does this & that, ignoring my wishes completely. In effect he brushed my real instincts and personality aside to mold me into his fantasy of having a child prodigy, exerting extreme pressure, and then humiliated and abused me when I remained a perfectly ordinary, non-genius child. 

None of the normal reasons for having a social bond is present. There are only downsides for me: I have to shut up, bottle up my feelings, play nice, censure my thoughts etc. 

I could see the point of doing that for a boss who pays me money, or to get into a social group that gets me prestige and energy, or maybe to get along with the friends and family of spouse I love and enjoy. 

But what do I get here? 

I mean, I’m not a child. I get that you sometimes have to play nice to get paid or archieve a cause. But my private relationships in my private life should be pleasurable. It’s where I go to recover from the work where fakery maybe can’t be avoided.

So why, why in the name of god would I ever chose THIS person to spend time with out of all the seven billion humans on earth? Aside from murderesrs, rapists and evil politicians, he’s probably among the worst choices. 

Obviously this “reconcilliation” could only benefit him. There is no joy for me, no benefit. It’s purely letting myself be used for his ego like he has always done for the first 20 years of my life. If he was capable of providing the benefits normally associated with having a father, he would have done so already. 

Considering that the whole problem was that he used me to fill his needs instead of thinking about my needs like a parent is supposed to, it’s insuit to injury and salt in the wounds. 

And if I wanted such benefits, I would have much better odds of getting them by trying to find a mentor, tutor, life coach, therapist,  friend etc. who is an older male. 

So why would I believe that he is changed if in the next breath he makes such a profoundly, deeply selfish request? 

If anything it shows me that he still doesn’t have the capacity to consider things from my PoV and see me as an adult independent human with logic, feelings and will. 

This is not about not wanting to make the effort. No one makes an effort for effort’s sake; They do it because something worthwhile is at the other end. 

There is nothing for me to gain here, nothing at all. 

I see the point of making an effort to salvage a once good relationship that has gotten sour because of mistakes: The hope is that you can have that good relationship once again, or even a better, more evolved version of it. 

But here there was never any good to begin with, and any hypothetical good that come in the future is questionable and dubious from past experience.

If he come then and ask, “Then what is he supposed to do then?” that would just be proof of that same objectifying mindset, that he just need to throw some coins in and out pops a relationship.

You’re just going to have to live with the consequences of your actions, just as I do every day. 

Once upon a time when I was younger, I might have said “show real interest in me”, there’s people that know me that you can ask. Heck, I’ve got an internet presence. Nowadays, I do NOT want that. I’ve learned not to let him have any information or acess about me because I’ve seen time and time again that it will just be used as ammunition to clubber me. The benefit of the doubt is fucking gone. 

But I have always believed in free will & not putting people into fixed unchangeable categories like, say, “narcissist” that give themselves easily to easy juddgement and fundamental attribution & stigmatize mentally ill people. It’s much more sensible to label behavior. 

So in the name ofintellectual integrity, I’m going to try & name something that might lead me to reconsider. Not immediately agree, because that would presuppose that he’s entitled to it somehow. Just think about it. 

It’s really pretty simple: Actually change. 

When I visit my mother and don’t have to witnesses her getting yelled at, pressured and emotionally blackmailed over the phone, when my younger sisters tell me of all the great quality time theyare spending and how much he listens and cares about their feelings, when he behaves like he understands what he did, maybe then I’ll believe. 

But as of now it seems about as unlikely to me as a giant sucker on the backside of Pluto. I can’t prove 100% it isn’t there, but it seems unreasonable to live my life assuming it exists. 

99% sure isn’t the same as 100% sure, but both those things are very different from 0%. then again its a pretty common trope of far right rhetorics to act like every degree of uncertainty is the same

[seoafin]

im so sry,, theres just too much 😩

doomed romance

requited unrequited (the side casts are subjected to see idiots looking at each with heart eyes)

historical au (a hit or miss for me bc sometimes theres too many historical inaccuracy just for the sake of the plot 😔)

time loop/ travel au

finding solace in mutual loneliness/ despair / trauma bonding

memory loss au (it all started after i read the housekeeper and the professor)

i’d say crime syndicate au but i rarely can find a good one (the over romanticization just,, hurts to read sometimes)

an f2l relationship progress seen thru outsiders’ pov (like picking up habits the other have and the outsiders would be “wait a min-“ or how its so easy to notice the ease when the mcs are around each other)

these are the ones i have trouble trying to explain abt jsjajwj :

“u are ur mother’s daughter/ father’s son” or living in someone’s else shadow for so long and someone come along (or has always been there but have the role of an “observer” and will be like ??? wtf r u on, ur actually more/ so (compliments) and boom! the realization that they’re always been more than enough and someone’s else validation wont define their existence + their growth as a person as new ppl comes along in their life and finally understand what the person meant back then,, bc hearing and understanding it by urself just hits different

meeting up once more by coincidence after their relationship (friendship or romantic) ended as a mess years ago and could either trying where they left off or start from the scratch as strangers all over again

exes or the ones inbetween not quite friends nor lover relationship finally have the talk tm even though they still hear news abt the other thru their friends,, both of them settled down for another and had their closure but they still love each other to some extend and they’ll always be that special someone for each other thought occasionally think abt the what couldve been/ ifs from time to time

the “what exactly is love?” theme in a fic and the MCs are trying to define it by the definition of other ppl present in their lives or medias before finally going like “fuck this, what we have is still love, and it’s ours to begin with so why do we have to affirm it by other ppl’s definition” bonus point if the potrayal of love is barely there in their early lives so it will be harder for them to navigate through their dilemma (basically slow burn 😌 or could take place in an established relationship)

and YES!! love and to nurture it is a conscious choice for ppl involve in it,,, the soulmate au that i like is those that features the mc (or both) rebelling against the soulmate system ,, sth abt leaving ur partner whom u love after ur soulmate come into the picture is ??🧍‍♂️like what abt those who are married and have kids , the anomalies who dont have soulmates or they have but died before meeting? so many flaws in the system 🥴

and,, the intimacy of a platonic relationship. sometimes the way fandoms constantly views things with shipping lenses and mischaracterize characters for their personal agenda can be a bit 😟 ,, sometimes i side eyed stsg and itafushi shippers who reduce their characters into sth like ‘they’re made for each other 🥺’,, all 4 have their personal agendas which doesnt necessarily revolve around someone 🚶🏻

extra, which may or may not be me just projecting,, but a story which features a character (side or main) having an awkward or turbulent relationship with their mother/ father and ultimately having to accept that its suffocating and have to walk away (maybe they wont ever, bc the emphasize of the importance of filial bond in asian culture can be a bit,,, extreme)

ppl who westernized anime characters are so funny 😭 i’ll lose at least 5 years of my life with the amount of times i saw someone wrote an anime character saying “jesus christ!” and i forgot which fic was it but i have a vague memory of a friend sending me a fic abt someone writing bakugou having a boston accent JSJISNE

and bingo! i am a SEA country dweller - 🐱

all of these are so good

doomed romance

7/10; makes me sad that there won’t be a happy ending and sometimes give s

requited unrequited (the side casts are subjected to see idiots looking at each with heart eyes)

1000/10; this with a big dose of mutual pining.... YES YES YES. i’m writing this one for geto obviously.....

historical au (a hit or miss for me bc sometimes theres too many historical inaccuracy just for the sake of the plot 😔)

3/10; it’s not the historical inaccuracies but the fact that I don’t like AUs. like i said it’s hard to keep characters in character especially for aus and a lot of ppl can’t pull it off tbh LOL

time loop/ travel au

5/10; if done well....then 5/10 but i don’t prefer it

finding solace in mutual loneliness/ despair / trauma bonding

9/10; did you mean gojo and rip!mc after geto’s defection....fjnkdfnjfdks unhealthy relationships are lowkey my jam LMFAOOO

memory loss au (it all started after i read the housekeeper and the professor)

10/10; i’m literally planning a memory loss au for gojo and rip!mc so you already know how it is!!!

i’d say crime syndicate au but i rarely can find a good one (the over romanticization just,, hurts to read sometimes)

2/10; too cheesy not really a fan LOL

an f2l relationship progress seen thru outsiders’ pov (like picking up habits the other have and the outsiders would be “wait a min-“ or how its so easy to notice the ease when the mcs are around each other)

10000/10; THIS IS MY MEGUMI FIC!! i’m also thinking of a 5 times fic which is basically other people’s POV of rip!mc and gojo’s relationship

“u are ur mother’s daughter/ father’s son”

1000/10

yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. 

this is one of my favorite literary tropes. either breaking out from the mold of your parents or accepting the legacy of your parents and realizing that it doesn’t define you!!!

i think it’d be interesting to write this fic with riko and gojo LOL

meeting up once more by coincidence after their relationship (friendship or romantic) ended as a mess years ago and could either trying where they left off or start from the scratch as strangers all over again

9/10; there’s nothing wrong about ultimately parting ways after realizing maybe it’s not worth it to try, but something about making that conscious decision to try again because you do think it’s worth it and so does the other person.....

exes or the ones inbetween not quite friends nor lover relationship finally have the talk tm even though they still hear news abt the other thru their friends,, both of them settled down for another and had their closure but they still love each other to some extend and they’ll always be that special someone for each other thought occasionally think abt the what couldve been/ ifs from time to time

8/10; and if you add a fwb relationship there.... :D

the “what exactly is love?” theme in a fic and the MCs are trying to define it by the definition of other ppl present in their lives or medias before finally going like “fuck this, what we have is still love, and it’s ours to begin with so why do we have to affirm it by other ppl’s definition” bonus point if the potrayal of love is barely there in their early lives so it will be harder for them to navigate through their dilemma (basically slow burn 😌 or could take place in an established relationship)

10/10; this is gojo and rip!mc’s dysfunctional relationship dynamic LMAO . rip!mc has no idea wtf love is so.....

and YES!! love and to nurture it is a conscious choice for ppl involve in it,,, the soulmate au that i like is those that features the mc (or both) rebelling against the soulmate system ,, sth abt leaving ur partner whom u love after ur soulmate come into the picture is ??🧍‍♂️like what abt those who are married and have kids , the anomalies who dont have soulmates or they have but died before meeting? so many flaws in the system 🥴

4/10; like i said there are few soulmate au’s I actually like but I do like the ones where they rebel against the system LOL

you know i AM SO GLAD YOU BROUGHT UP THE INTIMACY OF PLATONIC RELATIONSHIPS BECAUSE YOU’RE SO RIGHT BESTIE.

i cannot have a single conversation about geto without someone relating it back to how gojo and geto are soulmates and made for one another can you shut up for a hot fucking second

it’s so exhausting. like i honestly think stsg are sexy as lovers and platonic friends. they just work well in both ways. but im getting super tired of shippers that have to bring shipping into everything and ngl it’s really sucking my enjoyment out of the jjk fandom LOL

also i love characters that have rocky relationships with their parents because i relate super hard. i love it when it ends with the person breaking away because it’s lowkey cathartic for me 

NOT BAKUGOU AND THE BOSTON ACCENT LMFAOOOO

i honestly have so much pet peeves with westerners writing ff for japanese characters. especially in aus too....like i saw a greek god au for haikyuu and i just???? japan has gods too lmfao why does everything have to be so eurocentric???? also when ppl write royalty au’s for japanese characters .....jarring.

[seasaltmemories]

Xenoblade Chronicles 2 Review/Analysis

I have a complicated relationship with the Xenoblade franchise.  While I’ve played each game in the series, I’ve never fully finished one or ever fell in love the way I see others do.  Even its latest entry Xenoblade Chronicles 2, I bounced off so hard, it took a friend all but forcing me to continue playing for me to come back

Yet its the only game I’ve been compelled enough to finish.  I even played the Torna DLC which was another 25 hours on top of a 65 hour long play-through, so I thought I might as well go ahead and share my thoughts on what made it more compelling than anticipated in the end.

Lost in a sea of clouds, entire civilizations rest on the backs of Titans. As the giant beasts march toward death, the last hope is a scavenger named Rex—and Pyra, a living weapon known as a Blade. Can you find the fabled paradise she calls home? Command a group of Blades and lead them to countless strategic victories before the world ends. Each Titan hosts its own distinct cultures, wildlife, and diverse regions to explore. Search the vast open areas and labyrinthine corridors for treasure, secret paths, and creatures to battle and index. During these escapades you’ll get to know a large cast of eclectic characters, including the weaponized life forms known as Blades. Gather these allies, bond with them to increase their power, and utilize their special ARTS to devastate enemies. But to save the world of Alrest, you must first demystify its cloudy past.

One person once described XC2 as having the worst first impression in the world, and honestly, they weren’t entirely wrong.  There are a million little mechanics begging for your attention, yet its hard to tell what they do or their point, the lipsync is so bad, I couldn’t really bear watching characters talk, the character design and aesthetic even when it isn’t confusingly horny, never really comes together, and worst of all you have to stand fully still for the MMO-inspired combat to even work

When we got around to the prolonged anime fight cutscenes, I was ready to throw in the tower, but like I said, a friend wheedled me into sticking with it longer, and so I powered through

It takes until chapter 3/10 for me to feel like I have a grasp on the gameplay, but since apparently others took until endgame to understand that, I was ahead of the curve, the Xenoblade familiarity probably helped, but to explain as quickly as I can, its about building up specials and linking them in the right order for combos, not the most complicated stuff, but there are enough bells and whistles to keep me engaged in any fight and I couldn’t help but feel proud of myself for slowly getting a grip on things

And by the end of the chapter it finally felt there was some meat to the story as well, rather than try and artificially prolong a mystery about Mythra, they explain her existence quickly, and she proved to be the most interesting character yet, it’s not anything revolutionary, but the idea is compelling: an uncontrollable ball of power so dangerous, she willfully sealed herself away and constructed a safer, more palpable version of herself, in general, she brought this melancholy regretful mood to the story, which gave the story some texture

Probably the high-point came with chapter 5, when we not only started to dig into the shared painful past both Mythra and the villains face, but also learned of the tragic existence of Blades themselves, there’s the inherent consent issues of sentient weapons, but as Jin, who so far had been stoic and dull, angrily talks explains how they are actively kept from being able to form any soceity/history of their own, I couldn’t help but agree with him.  

However any grace it had managed to win started to fade with chapter 7, from then on the plot is so railroaded to the endgame, you have to actively fight it to really enjoy the open world mechanics, it has the most infuriating dungeon that takes away your ability to rack up specials, essentially sucking all the fun out of combat, the gatcha system of acquiring new blades, and most importantly Rex’s weakness as a protag

From the start his youthfulness is emphasized, as is his powerlessness in the face of most of his opponents.  The story is set up from the start to be a coming of age of sorts, but any potential that has is squashed by the fact that everything important to the plot basically already happened or is being pushed forward by ppl other than our party, he never really justifies his place in the narrative or why we should be following him besides generic chosen one stuff

Furthermore the party dynamics never really come together, it’s both small and large by JRPG standards (only five members but each of them has at least one blade, essentially doubling the cast) and in heart to heart’s there is good chemistry, but any chance to shine a light on an outside member falls pretty flat, the best we get is Zeke’s bitterness regarding the state of his home, the worst is Morag’s lack of character beyond an admittedly cool design and a her loyalty to an empire that is textually pretty bad news, a lot of ppl love Nia’s character, but I struggle to even call it an arc, it is the same plot twist almost every Torna member has had, that doesn’t really inform much about her as character or even the themes of story, just the there is this problem but oh now it is fixed

By the end it is clear that story is going for themes of existentialism, but all the weaknesses I’ve mentioned before really hold it back, there’s both too much attempts at in-story investment yet not enough strong writing to deliver in comparison to something like Nier Automata

Yet it’s hard to regret my time with it, the concepts it brought up of self-hood and memory, the flashes of brilliance it got when the gameplay all flowed together, the last thing you could call XC2 is unambitious or predictable

I played Torna DLC mostly to see if actually getting to go back to that shared traumatic past might give me the catharsis I wish, but now that the important lore-filled past is present, it once more failed to really deliver the emotional weight of its plot, pushing most hints of it to cutscenes right at the end, and what improvements made to the gameplay kinda canceled out with the oomph it together from combos

Still I can’t help but appreciate it for the inspiration it gave me to think about its themes and messages

[sofijaeger]

hi love!! 37 and 9

AGH ppl actually asked me stuff this time😏

well here’s a rant on my life lmao:

#9. Describe your perfect mate

Eren Yeager. And i’m not even lying.

But in real terms I feel someone who matches my passion, for whatever we’re discussing or enduring is most important to me, because it proves that if that said person has enough energy to appease themselves even through tough times, it actually inspires me to do the same. I’d want to become a better person for them and everyone around me.

Eren uh hmu..

#37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

uhm YES but platonically pfttt and i feel bad because this person had so much potential to be a great friend to all of us, but only appreciated our friendships if someone were praised for something and her commitment was involved. I held onto our bond a bit longer than everyone else since she seemed very nice to me, until she lashed out at our shared best friend (we were a trio) and I said NO MA’AM bc the shared friend was actually my best friend of +7 years before she came into our lives heh, but i couldn’t allow that to happen. Now she’s not so much a hate, but a common dislike between us all. And the worst part is her older sister is adored by all of us😳

I enjoyed answering these!!!

[silver-wield]

Hi! Sorry for bothering you. Don't know if you already did this one (so many analysis) but what did you thought about Sephiroth killing Barret scene? Everyone just go running to Barret and Cloud just froze.

No bother! Sorry for the wait, I had a few things on my plate to clear lol

Ok, spoiler warning for ppl who haven’t played – do I still need to do this? Eh ok, (I tag FF7R spoilers as final fantasy 7 remake spoilers) and it’s gonna be short-ish.

Also, this is one person’s interpretation of the scene, so if you disagree that’s cool and we’ll agree to disagree.

You’re also gonna have to excuse the janky quality on some of the screens, I’m grabbing them from Youtube and it’s frustrating af trying to get the exact moment I want.

Other analyses if anyone’s interested.

Shinra HQ vision scene (Cloti/plot analysis) 

Chapter 3 (Cloti reblog) 

Tifa character analysis 

Aerith Resolution (plot analysis/theory – I should probably update this since I’ve had other ideas since then) 

Train graveyard (not really an analysis, but I got some sweet screenshots of Cloti) 

Clotiscrew tunnel analysis 

Cloti reunion analysis 

The Promise Analysis 

Andrea’s approval (Cloti ask response) 

Leslie analysis (not mine, but a good read) 

Cloti action touching 

Aerti friendship analysis 

Cloti body language chapter 3 

Cloti healthy disagreement 

Cloti post heliboss battle (chapter 15) 

Clerith playground scene 

Cloti body language plate fall 

Cloud and Barret friendship 

Resolution scene analysis (A) 

Barret character analysis (chapter 13) 

Cloud character analysis (Honey Bee Inn) 

Now, strap in and enjoy the ride.

Recap time!

Okay, so our intrepid heroes have found Aerith, but then Cloud has a ptsd induced attack and passes out. After some exposition courtesy or Red and Aerith, we're back on mission to reach the roof and the Avalanche helicopter waiting for us – thanks to Wedge the cinnamon roll.

Once we reach the President's office we can hear shouting and make our way outside to find Shinra dangling from 70f up. Poor bby. Lemme help you up.

Anyway, Barret stops Tifa going to help (you’re too kind sometimes, T), grabs Shinra and after some massive restraint on his part, tosses him back onto solid ground. He pursues Shinra through the office and then in classic moron moment finds Shinra has a gun pointed at him. I'm not sure why the others didn't go too, but for whatever reason, they're in the doorway while Shinra is making his selfish bastard speech and Barret forgets he's got a literal machine gun for an arm.

Seconds before pulling the trigger, Sephiroth materialises out of thin air – and Cloud's Sephy sense didn't even go off this time – and he stabs Shinra, killing him in an echo of his OG death.

You get a shot of surprised Cloud and Tifa, then Barret lunges for Sephiroth while whispers appear through the doorway.

Ooh damn I'm good! 2nd go and I stop on this shot. First one was blurry.

Ok, this is obviously the moment where Sephiroth runs Barret all the way through. Remember, his sword is like 8ft long or some ridonculous shit like that. It's massive. He has zero need to get close to someone when he stabs them. He didn't do this with Shinra, he was like 3 feet away and still there was plenty of sword sticking out the guy's chest (anyone wonder if Seph is compensating for something? Lol).

Ok, so the point I'm getting at by showing Sephiroth this close to Barret is that this is a personal attack. This isn't something he's done just to kill someone. He's stuck that massive sword all the way through Barret's chest until he's within touching distance of him. This is an attack on Cloud. This is his way of showing Cloud that the vision from the VR scene could absolutely be true. He can make it true.

As for Barret, well he's just been stabbed, so he looks like he wants to go for pizza lol

Tifa automatically reacts and wants to run to Barret and save him. She's lost way too many people over the last day and can't lose anyone else. This is expected of her being the first one to react.

Interestingly, the next one to move is Red. The bromance is real. That's one fast friendship there and I love these two as friends. Barret and Red can snark at each other for a whole game and I'll be happy. 

This is a great moment though because it shows that Red's already formed strong bonds with everyone, enough that he'll go to their aid without stopping to think. For an animal character which is hard to read, you can see very easily the pain, fear and panic in his eye.

If you're a meta!Aerith theoriser like me then this is actually too much emotion on her face for someone who barely knows Barret. She looks like she just lost someone very important to her. They met like an hour ago. I love the amount of emotion on her face here, she clearly cares about Barret a lot. That's an “please God oh no” look if ever I saw one. Makes me wanna tear up and no lie.

And Cloud. Who doesn't move because he's literally frozen in place with a wide eyed look of horror on his face. He's seen Sephiroth stab people before. Back in Nebelheim reactor and then in the VR where he had to watch him stab Tifa (ok not really, but the mental trauma is still the same). He's shutting down. SOLDIER!Cloud.exe has stopped working. Have you tried turning him off and on again?

Cloud's terrified of Sephiroth anyway – he literally whimpers during one ptsd attack – so to see him stab Barret? His friend? And he didn’t even see it coming? It's probably sent his entire mind to a point where he can't function. This is the stuff that breaks him.

Aside: How did Sephiroth pull that whole long ass sword out of Barret without moving away? Does he have slenderman arms on the sly?

This is interesting. Sephiroth looks at Cloud, who's still shell-shocked, but then it's like you can see him rebooting. That absolute fury and hatred he has for Sephiroth overrides most of his shock – or tries. You can see the SOLDIER part of him trying to assert control over his fear, but then it wavers and the shock and fear – likely from real!Cloud – take hold again, making his eyes wide and him look as helpless as he feels.

Sephiroth's goal is to always make Cloud feel helpless, out of control, useless to everyone. That way he can control Cloud and make him do whatever he wants. He's a master manipulator and Cloud with all his issues struggles to fight against that mental barrage. It’s something that never goes away for him. This is his lifetime struggle and it’s a metaphor for those who live with mental health issues. There’s no one final battle and it’s all rosy. It’s never ending and some days you win, some days it’s Sephiroth. The point is to fight.

So, then the whisper leaps into Barret to save him and Sephiroth turns into a piece of Jenova. Now we've got some action happening, Cloud shakes off his weakness and goes back into SOLDIER mode.

Conclusion

Cloud can't deal with emotions. Of any kind. He's emotionally stunted, but that doesn't mean he doesn't have emotions. It's the opposite. He feels things far too deeply and intensely and hasn't learned how to process them effectively in a way that doesn't damage himself. This is stuff you learn as you mature from a teenager to an adult. This is stuff Cloud's been denied by being a lab rat for 4 years. His body may be an adult, but part of him is still 16. He needs to experience life to help him mature and catch that emotional development up to the rest of him. (which is my way of saying he won't be like a 16yr old forever).

Cloud's real and genuine affection for his friend over-rid any kind of control he had over himself and made it impossible for him to move when he saw Barret stabbed. He's also lost too many people, which is partly why he has that SOLDIER persona protecting him. Sephiroth's taunting look made it clear this was to get at Cloud. It had very little to do with Barret. Cloud's anger broke through his shock, but that weakness reasserted itself quickly afterwards, keeping him from acting until Jenova Dreamweaver appeared and he finally had something for SOLDIER!Cloud to take care of.

[fairycosmos]

I just feel so ugly and I can’t stand it but at the same time I feel pretty ? It’s exhausting this going back and forth. Like I can’t stop freaking out about what to wear and I’m just so scared. Idk if this stepping over the line but I just really need someone . 💖

hey i’m so sorry to hear that love 😞 it’s not stepping over the line dw. reading this just breaks my heart and also makes me feel so Seen, i can’t tell you how much i relate. it’s awful that we’re made to feel so bad about simply existing god :/ i think it’s important to remember that these feelings of self loathing are planted in our brains before we’re even old enough to know what it means to love ourselves, so it’s no surprise that you feel this way. it’s ok to sit with the pain, to cry if you need to, to let it hurt. it’s ok if you need to let it go over and over again before you truly let it go for good.  feeling okay in your body is a lifelong task for most people, it doesn’t have to happen instantaneously. it’s normal for it to be a process, and to feel like it’s a pointless endeavor at times. but it never actually is, and living your life in spite of this insecurity is an act of defiance you should always try to practice. you literally dont have anything to prove to anyone. you’re not here on this earth to be as pretty as possible 24/7 - a. because you’re so much more than that and b. because beauty is completely subjective, it’s impossible to please the whole world and you truly dont even have to try to. there are a few affirmations i like to remember to help make this all seem a bit easier. the first is the whole capitalist thing. i say it a lot but honestly we’re taught to despise ourselves and to feel like we constantly need to improve from such a young age simply because it’s how they make money off of us, and cause the world is sexist as fuck. they make us hate the way we look not because there’s actually anything wrong with us, but because they can profit off of it. the second is the whole mental illness thing. it really sounds like your anxiety is amplifying this situation and making it seem like a bigger deal than it is. it’s forcing you to think that the whole world sees you the way you see yourself when that’s not true at all. try to ground yourself in rationality and not emotion when possible. generally speaking nobody is judging you with the same level of disgust that you’re using to judge yourself - everyone is far too worried about themselves and about how they’re coming across, really. i think trying to recenter your attention on the fact that your friends want to see you, that you deserve to go out and have fun, that your looks are the last thing anyone other than you is thinking about etc could bring you some peace of mind. even if it’s hard to believe at first. another point i like to remember is that the people who love/care for us see us as beautiful beings regardless of conventional beauty standards. when you have a strong bond with someone, don’t you think their looks sort of melt away anyway? don’t you think their beauty is in their familiarity and what they offer to your life and the love/memories/laughter you share? you ARE that presence for so many ppl already, even if you cant see it. you can understand all of this on a logical level and still feel bad when you look in the mirror, god knows i do. but the point is to keep trying to live on your own terms, as you are. because theres no wrong way to inhabit a body, to exist. alright? but if this is smth that is continuing to get worse i’d recommend talking to someone about it - your doctor, a counselor/therapist, a support group, a hotline - the options are endless and there’s bound to be one that works for you. i know it’s a bit of a scary idea but there is so much that can be done from a professional standpoint when it comes to self esteem, in terms of behavioral therapy and confidence building techniques and even just having someone to talk to. please don’t write the suggestion off even if it’s a bit too much rn, you can always put a pin in it for later. but know that it is entirely possible to get to a more comfortable state of mind and to break this exhausting cycle. with time, effort and natural self growth. if you want to start with searching from more general self help and healthy coping mechanisms, then that’d be great too. but my point is taking a proactive role in how you view yourself, instead of a passive one, can make a big difference! ANYWAY im sorry this got so long i just lit rally cant shut up.....i hope you go and have a lovely time. everything else is background noise. if you need a friend or someone to talk to, feel free to hit me up anytime. sending love to you x