#we know kaye would pull some shit like this too

[mmvalentine]

Your Name Around my Neck | Jurdan

I UMMMMM found this somewhat bloody fic in my drafts holy shit i forgot that past me wrote this I am...in need of help anyway indulge with me in this madness if you like

We get in late tonight; the revel is still going but I’ve been on the throne three years now and I’m finally feeling like I can leave when I want to. After a lifetime of wearing through my shoes just to prove I can keep up with the fae, it is a pleasure to simply stand and sweep out of the room when I tire of the event. And of course Cardan trails after me more often than not, not because he’s tired too but because he hates everyone.

Our bedroom door snicks shut behind us and the music is immediately muffled. I start stripping off as I walk through the room, discarding shoes and gloves and jewellery before sitting down at my vanity to remove my make up. Cardan has not bothered. He’s slumped over the bed fully clothed as is toying with something he’s pulled from his pocket while I swipe at my face.

“Well I thought that went well,” Cardan comments.

We hosted the Court of Termites tonight, and got through almost four courses before Nicasia made a snide remark and Kaye threw a fistful of mashed potatoes in her face. It always amuses me that Kaye is perhaps my opposite- while I have honed my court sensibilities in efforts to make up for my being human, Kaye is fae girl who has all the thoughtlessness of a mortal. Perhaps I’m just jealous that I don’t have the luxury.

After the flung potatoes, the evening devolved quickly. Lord Roiben ushered a shouting, fist-shaking Kaye away but many of his court stayed on to drink and dance and smear food over each other, and I lost interest not long after that.

“I don’t know about ‘well’ but it was certainly entertaining,” I concede, and tilt my chin up at the mirror. “Fuck’s sake Cardan, have these been here all night?!”

I peer at my reflection, and staring back at me are four long bruises down the side of my neck. I turn my head and find the thumb mark on the other side.

My husband smirks from the bed.

“Ashamed of my handiwork, Jude?”

“They weren’t this bad when I got dressed I’m sure…”

“They usually take a few hours to settle in, I’ve noticed.”

I scowl. “You needn’t sound so pleased with yourself, you know.”

Cardan rolls his eyes. “What do you care, you liked getting choked while we’re-”

I throw a brush at his head before he can finish the sentence.

“Prick,” I say.

“Prude,” he returns.

But it’s not that I’m afraid of what people will think of my sex life. The fae are anything but shy when it comes to amorous oddities. No, it’s that I’m the Queen now and I can’t bear to have them think of me bested.

Held down and strangled. At the mercy of a another.

Submissive.

I shake my hair out and throw down the last of the pins before climbing into bed. There are some parts of myself that Cardan might know, but that I’m not willing to share with the court.

“If you’re that self-conscious, I have something that could cover the bruises,” Cardan says. And then lifts aloft the object in his fingers. I look and I am horrified.

“Is that a collar?!” I stutter.

Cardan turns it over in his hands and the little silver buckles tinkle like bells.

“It would hide your neck,” he replies, looking at the leather as he speaks.

“The problem isn’t my neck, the problem is the mad things I let you do to me,” I mutter. I think I’m blushing at just the idea of walking into a public space like wearing that thing.

Suddenly I’m yanked backwards. Cardan’s got his hand under my hair and when my head falls into his lap, he leans over me and stares hard like he’s studying the bruise patterns of his own fingers.

“I like the mad things you let me do to you,” he murmurs, and his voice has dropped to that place that loosens my grasp on how much I need to be in control. His cool fingers slide down the front of my nightshirt, as if to demonstrate his freedom to touch me. “I like people knowing you’re mine.”

Cardan’s thumb brushes over my nipple and it peaks readily for him. I close my eyes, and he squeezes my breast slowly in his hand. His other hand is still in my hair, and he makes a fist and uses it to tilt my head back.

“Still not wearing the collar,” I gasp. Cardan cocks his head, and flourishes my own knife between his fingers.

“I could carve my name into you instead,” he says, and I swear his canines get sharper in the candle light. The sweet, heavy feeling evaporates.

I twist fast, surprising him so he lets go of my hair, and pluck my knife out of his hand. I push him back by the chest so that it’s me straddling him now, and the anger feels fortifying.

“Are you not mine also, beloved?” I hiss. My dagger rests under his chin, and the metal glints down the length of it.

I hate my knives being stolen. I’ve cut off fingers for less, and so far Cardan is the only one who’s successfully lifted them off my person without my noticing. Worse still when I know his nails are sharp enough that he doesn’t need them. I haven’t told him how much it bothers me because I think that would just make him do it more often.

The King just blinks dreamily up at me.

“I wouldn’t mind,” he says, and bares his throat to me.

I slice the top two buttons off his shirt and pull the fabric back. The marble of his chest is so smooth, so unmarked, and suddenly I’m sorely tempted.

“Don’t tease a girl,” I tell him, and press the point of the knife just below his collar bone. Cardan only pulls his shirt further open for me, and how can I describe the rush of feeling I get when he pours himself at my feet like this?

Back and forth we go, me and Cardan. The Queen and the King. Power like a golden ball tossed between us, so fast it spins my head sometimes. It’s not so much who rules today but who rules in this hour? In this minute? In this moment?

I flick my knife and a second later, the letter J wells up scarlet at the base of my lover’s throat.

Cardan’s eyes gleam but he doesn’t make a sound. I am filled with a savage satisfaction, and when Cardan sits up to meet me I crush my mouth against his. The kiss is biting and harsh, and I slice my lower lip on his teeth but only press closer to him. When I finally pull back, we have blood smeared on our chins. I wipe my sleeve over Cardan’s mouth but he just leans forward and licks my chin roughly like a cat and I shiver. We walk either side of being human, him and I, and sometimes I look down at my feet and I can’t remember which side I’m on and it thrills me.

“Wear my collar Jude,” he says, and it’s a growl in his throat when he says it. He holds the leather between us and the J sends a single red drop down his chest.

I take the thing and buckle it around my neck while Cardan watches. It’s got a small silver ring in the front and in the curve of the ring is his name. His eyes glaze over as my hands come down, and his gaze has not left my neck.

“Now that’s a good girl,” he says, and then hooks two fingers into the ring on the collar and uses it to yank me back into him. I thud against his chest and he lifts my hips to settle me properly in his lap, while my hands flutter about his shoulders. I grit my teeth, misliking losing my balance, but as soon as I get settled Cardan rocks the hard length of himself into me and I'm off kitler again. His tail wraps tightly around the smallest part of my waist and steadies me.

Not to be outdone, I shove my hands into the black curls at the back of Cardan's head and grind down in his lap. The knife is still in my fist. Cardan gasps a little and his hips buck under me, responding automatically even as his eyes roll and his fingers twitch in the ring on my collar. I pull his hair harder, letting my nails dig into his scalp, and he uses the ring to tug my mouth back to his.

The kiss suprises me with its tenderness. It's a strange thing; I'm held in place and bound about the throat, yet he kisses me with sugar in his mouth. His hand curls around the front of the collar so that it tightens painfully at my neck, but his tongue is lush and lazy. And his hips roll under me like a current thirty fathoms deep.

Cardan's free hand slides between us, moving my skirts up so the fabric is not between us. I take my dagger and cut the cords of his breeches, and if the tip nicks the pale skin of his stomach it's only a sharp inhale through his nose that gives him away. Cardan shoves at the front of the trousers while I keep slashing the buttons of his ridiculous shirt. The ruffles fall open and it strikes me that my initial is so red against all that white. And then Cardan's pushing inside me.

We both still for a moment, while my body makes room for him. Our breathing is mismatched and our eyes flicker while we stare at each other. His eyes are more black than the night.

"Jude," he murmurs.

I glance down again, and the tip of my knife hits his skin. I make a tiny dash, and Cardan doesn't flinch. I do it again, and complete the letter 'D.' Cardan looks down slowly.

"What does it say?" he asks, unable to see so close to his chin.

"J. D.," I tell him. He looks up sharply.

"J. D. G.," he corrects me.

I don't know what appalls me more, that he's asking for this or that I want to do it. I oblige him, and carve one more letter in his flesh. Cardan shudders this time, and then sinks the rest of the way into me. I finally drop the dagger, and wrap my arms around his neck.

"My vicious love," he whispers, and moves in me so sweetly I can barely stand it.

I cling to him, bury my face in his neck and cross my ankles behind his back. Cardan keeps the skin at my shoulder between his teeth and moves my hips in slow circles, and the way he holds violence in one hand and honey in the other makes him feel all at once a mirror and a balm.

"Cardan," I breathe. I try to move faster on him but he's holding me too tightly. "Cardan I need..."

"What, little villain?"

"Harder," I whisper.

"What was that?"

"Harder," I say again, and I watch his pupils blow out as he hears me.

"You want it harder?" he echoes, and as I begin to nod he punches his hips up so fast it makes my teeth clack together. He grips my hips and slams into me, and it hurts in the best way possible.

"More?" he asks, and before I can reply he does it again. "Answer me, Jude." I try, but the breath keeps getting knocked from my lungs. "Use your words, my darling. Is this what you like, hm?"

"Yes," I manage. It's a moan, it comes out strangled. "Yes, just like... oh." Cardan grins with too many teeth and all of a sudden stops moving and falls back onto the sheets.

"Ride me then," he says.

The sudden movement has me falling forward and my palms hit his chest. He hold my hips down, pushes them forward and back and I don't need the encouragement. He's so deep inside me I can feel him in my stomach and I lean forward so that I'm getting friction on my clit while I fuck him. My fingers dig into his muscles and smear the crimson letters under the hollow of his throat. Cardan lifts to meet me and his nails scratch angry lines down my thighs. He groans long and low, and the sound of it is the most obscene delicacy I want to never stop swallowing.

"You're so good," he tells me. "Who the fuck taught you to be this good?"

"My previous lover," I answer, and receive a sharp slap across my hip for the daring. I slap him back, hitting him in his left pectoral and faster than blinking I am flipped onto my back while Cardan's still inside me.

"Liar," he says, and holds me down as he takes control. His hand is so big that his thumb touches one of my ear lobes and the tip of his index finger covers the other, while the rest of his fingers curl around my throat. The collar actually prevents me from being choked too hard, but his weight has me pinned so that I can barely move. He keeps fucking me, faster now that he's on top, and my hands slide up his arms. He grabs a hold of my wrists with his other hand and holds them down too, and all I can do is dig my knees into his ribcage as he shifts into a hungry frenzy that's making it hard to draw breath.

"Cardan..." I whimper. It's such a pathetic sound I almost hate that I sound like this in bed. But my husband thinks differently.

"Say it again," he says hoarsely. I shake my head, and press my lips together. Cardan lets go of my throat and pushes his thumb into my mouth and onto my tongue. Hooks it behind my bottom teeth and tugs my mouth open.

"Say my name again."

He moves the thumb to my clit, and as soon as he touches me, the pleasure ratchets up unbearably.

But I am silent, and he shakes me by the neck so the buckle behind my collar rattles. My newly freed hands grip the headboard as he fucks me harder. His thumb keeps moving and I'm quickly losing control.

"Say my fucking name when you come."

"Cardan," I gasp. "Cardan, Cardan..."

"That's it honey," he croons. His pace is steady now and I'm so close. "Good girl. You can come now, little liar. Come with my name in your mouth."

And I break open, so obedient to the command of the King that perhaps I'd be embarrassed, if I hadn't decided that the King making me come this hard wasn't an act of service itself. As it is, my toes curl and my back arches and the bright heat of my climax sweeps through my fragile, mortal body. And Cardan has to wait for me to come first and that's delightful.

"Fuck Jude..." he moans.

And just as he begins to lose it I say, "Wait." For no other reason than my own amusement.

Cardan freezes, and then lets out a frustrated groan against my neck. I smile, count to five, and then relent.

"Okay, you can come."

Cardan growls and immediately resumes his mad rhythm, making me gasp at the blinding pace he sets. I'm oversensitised from having just come, and the second orgasm hits me moments before he's shuddering into me, snapping and snarling as I'm filled up.

I hold onto the lean muscle of his body and I can feel his racing pulse everywhere while he catches his breath. Fae heartbeats are quick and light, and it's like a hundred moths in the cavity of his chest.

When he rolls over, he pulls me with him, and I scrape my canines over his shoulder once he's collapsed onto his back. After a minute, his fingers come up and trace feathery patterns over my spine. He turns his head without opening his eyes, and presses his lips to my hair.

"Thank you, my sweet torment," he says.

"For what, husband?"

"For wearing my name around your neck."

I nuzzle into his side.

"I think I like it," I confess. The corner of his mouth curls, and he fingers the ring in my collar.

"I like it a lot," he tells me.

"And my name?" I ask him. "Do you like there on your chest?"

Cardan sighs.

"My dear nemesis," he says. "I've always had your name under my skin."

***

Oh shit it's been a hot minute, I posted this and then realised i forgot to do the master list tag list thing

JURDAN MASTERLIST

TAGLIST: @swankii-art-teacher @loosingdreamss @feysand-loml @cityofbookishthings @story-scribbler @thebonecarverer @realbookloverproblemss @elessar-writings @euclavender

[lordoftermites]

Fairy Chess ‖ p. ⅰ

I won't deny I've got in my mind now all the things I would do So I'll try to talk refined for fear that you find out how I'm imaginin' you...

Ship: Roiben x Kaye

Summary: {set immediately after Ironside} Kaye provides Roiben with a little more... entertainment at his coronation revel.

Rating: M/E for me going to hell but hey at least i’ve got reading material Part Ⅱ

―――――――――――――――――――

He wanted only one night.

One night, devoid of drunken courtiers. Of the endless pouring of wine. No constant strumming of lutes and harps and laughter echoing through the cavernous hall, no attendants bidding for a moment of his attention with some new seemingly-urgent dispatch. Just a single, fleeting night of glorious, undisturbed peace.

But when you're a king of two courts, both of which would see the other fall to ruin, peace is a knife's edge; a balancing act—not a reward. And no amount of wishing is going to change that.

Still, as Roiben leans back into the twisted branches of birch that make up his blood-won throne, watching the frenzied, continuous dancing, he finds himself hopelessly wishful anyway.

Before the dais, a mass of fey move almost as one enormous wave to the music, their entranced twirling and swaying both beautiful and nauseating. They have all come to celebrate the second crowning of their brutal new lord.

Groups of sprites whirl their little forms above the throng, bathing the packed earth of the newly-rebuilt Palace of Termites in flickering yellow light. Roiben decides he likes looking at them better—their movements don't make his stomach quite nearly as unsteady.

But even then, the way they blink in and out, reminiscent of fireflies in the trees at dusk, causes him to squint himself into the headache he's been suppressing all evening. He sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose, sinking further into the throne that feels so much more like a cage; a cage he killed his way to get into.

“Acorn for your thoughts,” chimes Kaye’s voice against his ear. He smiles, eyes still closed, as he feels the familiar, comforting brush of her fingers slide over his shoulder. Roiben reaches a hand up to cover them, to ground himself in her touch. Her skin is warm— a constant contrast to the chill he can never seem to thaw from his own. “I find I have had my fill of revelry, for the next ten moons at least,” Roiben answers with another sigh. His eyes open to the overcrowded throne room once again, and that weariness washes over him anew. “Unfortunately, it would seem this one has no intentions of slowing anytime before that.” Kaye moves from her position behind him, slipping between his throne to the wooden stool beside it.

Roiben shifts his gaze to look at her, and cannot stop his breath from catching: she’s clad in a fluid, iridescent dress coming to tattered strips just above her clover green knees. Pewter ties gather slashed sleeves at her shoulders, the front of it dipping below her collarbone to pool at the beginning of her sternum. He smiles again: the sheen of fabric is the exact silver of his eyes.

Her wild hair is pulled up into two emerald knots on top of her head—space buns, she called them once, much to his confusion; they resemble neither celestial body nor baked good, but he assumes it’s simply another human reference lost on him. At the roots, she’s dusted a silver glitter that catches the light of the sprites above them. Silver hoops line the length of her earlobe, and from each dangle a single star or crescent moon, respectively. On her feet, to no surprise, are the cracked leather boots she favors above any slipper made by Skillywidden, no matter how intricately stitched or comfortable they might be.

Roiben can’t help but marvel at her: a creature of two worlds, and equally as beautiful in both. He reaches out to take her hand, brushing over the extra joint in her thumb. She smiles at him, the smile that’s just for him, the smile he would burn the world down for.

“I’ve been to some pretty wild raves,” Kaye says, turning her inky black eyes to the sea of Folk before them. “But this one definitely takes the cake.” Again, another human phrase he doesn’t quite understand, but this one makes at least more sense than astronomical hairstyles. When she looks back at him, her brow raises. “It's your coronation revel, and you’re already partied out? I thought dancing till your feet bleed was just another day in Faerie for you.”

He chuckles, eyes settling on her hand in his. He’s almost sure his stomach will betray him if he dares another glance at the swirling revel-goers. “My… previous duties kept me elsewise occupied from most of the festivities,” he replies. To his great relief, neither of them need his explanation of what those duties had been. “When the guest of honor is you, it’s not nearly as easy to slip away unnoticed.”

Kaye leans over to take a fluted glass of wine from the table between them, and Roiben can’t help his gaze shifting up to the loose fabric at her chest, which opens at her slight movement to reveal a hint of the deep green curvature there. He swallows automatically, his throat suddenly dry.

“Like the view?” Kaye asks, leaning against her own arm to further accentuate that curve as she takes a sip of the plum-colored liquor. It’s a small gesture, but it’s enough to make Roiben’s breath catch. When his eyes flick back up to meet her, she’s wearing that coquettish grin that speaks true to her pixie nature. “Though doubtless you already know my answer," he says, giving her an impish smirk of his own, "Verily, I do.”

Kaye shortens the gap between them, near enough for him to smell the clove and blackberry wine on her warm breath. Near enough to kiss him, but she doesn’t. She lingers, instead pulling her bottom lip between her teeth—a move she knows all too well sets a fire alight in his veins, and it’s all Roiben can do not to close that gap between them entirely.

Her hand reaches to the collar of his doublet, where she trails a lazy finger along the silver stitching, brushing feather-light against his neck. He inhales slowly, a deliberate drawing of breath, as though to remind himself where they are. Again, he finds himself wishing the hall was empty and cursing the reality that it isn't.

Kaye pitches her voice low, so only he can hear among the raucous around them. “I think I know how to make this party a little more… interesting. A game. Kinda.”

His brow goes up at that. “A game?” he repeats, only slightly warily. While admittedly, any diversion to keep him from spoiling his own revel would be welcome—by his attendants as well as himself—he’s almost certain, from the mischievous glint in those sable eyes of hers, it isn’t likely to be something as simple as a chess match.

Kaye shrugs. Her gaze drifts down the front of his black doublet to his lap, lingering there momentarily before fluttering back up to his face. There's a craving there in those onyx depth. A shark circling its next meal.

“Unless, of course, you’re too chicken to play.”

Indeed, this will be no game on a checkerboard.

Roiben shifts in his seat, already finding himself full awake from his previously half-present participation in the night’s celebrations. He leans in, until his mouth is against Kaye’s silver-clad ear and grins at the small, sudden breath she takes in response. “If you mean to play a game of torment,” he whispers, his lips grazing her skin, “you may find I am not at all a fair opponent—nor a patient one—when I mean to win.”

Kaye, cheeks flushed with drink and something else, opens her mouth to speak, but is cut off. From below the dais, as if on cue, a throat clears. Roiben, gritting his teeth against a sudden rise of annoyance, draws himself back up on his throne. Bowed to nearly kissing the earthen floor is Ruddles, his chamberlain.

“Yes?” Roiben sighs, unable to hide his displeasure at being interrupted; he was, for the first time tonight, on the verge of actually enjoying his own celebration. Of course there would be something to stall that entertainment. “What is it now, a ninth round of toasting? More petitions? Perhaps a naming of yet another inanimate object?”

The old hob rises with a grunting effort, either unaware of Roiben’s clipped tone, or so used to it by now that he doesn’t let it perturb him. “My King,” Ruddles says formally, and even though the title has been invoked countless times since his first crowning, Roiben still can’t quell the sour taste that floods his mouth upon hearing it.

The chamberlain continues, again oblivious to the ticking in his master’s jaw. “Since it is nearly dawn, I thought perhaps you would wish to retire.” Ruddles turns to sweep his hand over the continuous movement of courtiers. “There are naught but a few simple matters of the court that myself and the other members of the council can handle in your stead—or save upon your return, should so desire."

Desire is the very thing being kept from him at the moment, though it isn't as if his chamberlain knows that. Still, Roiben can barely stifle an eye roll. "I was unaware that I needed permission to—"

The gentle squeeze of Kaye's hand on his arm stalls his scorn, and he forces himself to start over. "Apologies, Ruddles," he sighs. "I admit, I am overtired. I should indeed very much like to rise from this seat—before I become part of its ornamentation." Roiben stands, tired limbs groaning in protest from hours of being stationary.

Kaye stretches at his side, feigning a yawn. "I could totally kill for a bed right now," she says, and while she is also bound incapable of lying, the look in her eye when Roiben meets her gaze tells him there is nothing to do with sleep in her confession. The wink she gives solidifies her meaning.

The little hob nods, seeming to miss their unspoken exchange, and bows low once more. "As you wish, my King. I shall address the court of your retirement—"

Roiben shakes his head to forestall the chamberlain, and holds a hooked arm out for Kaye, who takes it with another squeeze. "No need. They are blissfully unaware of my presence as it is, let them continue. And, Ruddles—" He pauses at the foot of the dais next to the hob, leaning low enough to not be overheard. "It would please me greatly if you saw to it that we are undisturbed."

Ruddles gives a reverent nod and steps aside, clearing their way off the platform. Without stealing another glance back at the endless revel, the king and his consort leave the tumultuous celebration behind them.

[taestefully-in-luv]

Always You | JJK (Nine-pt1) (Final)

Summary: you and Jungkook have been best friends since freshmen year of college, there’s a lot of unsaid feelings and tension but neither make a move. what happens when his friend Taehyung (also your crush) needs a fake girlfriend?

Pairing: Jungkook x Female reader

Genre: friends to lovers, idiots to lovers, slight slow burn, roommate au, college au, SMUT (starting ch2), fluff, angst (in later chapters) slight crack, lots of drama

Word Count: 13.6k

Warnings: Swearing, alcohol consumption, sexual tension (!!!), mentions of sex, protected sex, jealous!oc, sensual touching, dry humping, oral (female rec.) face riding

Notes: The end is finally here! But no worries I will most likely do drabbles for you guys:) Thank you SO much for reading this story and sending so many loving comments. Enjoy this last chapter of ‘Always You’ and feel free to send me an ask to chat about the story, I LOVE talking with ya’ll!

Taglist: @mooniyooni @thisartemisnevermisses @giadalin @kookiebunny097 @cosmosjk @moonchild1 @just-jeon @anpanman-sonyeondan @starlight-night0 @yessii-i @apollukee @mikasaredscarf1 @kaye-rosales @bunnyjeonjk @dyriddle @hsneptune @betysotelo18 @aclowe13 @bishuthot @271101 @seagulljk @hass-mich-los @bunnyjeonjk @surfacesanity @peachy-skz0325 @wonusbitch @not-your-lion @flowersgirl02 @justinetingball @fiantomartell @fairysunooo @taebae19 @hardcarrykookie @fancycollectormoon

© taestefully-in-luv

Previous ---Next

~~~~~~~~~

December

Jungkook stares into his bathroom mirror and sees and feels nothing, absolutely nothing. He looks into his eyes and see nothing behind them. He tries to smile, but falls short. Does this have anything to do with the fact he told you he loves you but you completely misunderstood him? Yup, it probably has everything to do with that.

But Jungkook also feels like shit. He let his feelings become too overwhelming in the moment that he totally and completely forgot he has a girlfriend. So, he is almost glad that you most definitely thought he was just telling you he loves you like one normal friend to another instead of him confessing his deep and passionate feelings towards you. Yup, totally glad.

So, now he looks into the mirror and actually does see and feel something: Shame. Guilt.

And regret. Regret is written all over his face. Not regret because he told you he loves you, no. Regret that he didn’t tell you 4 years ago how he feels. Even if you didn’t feel the same he thinks he should have had the courage, instead he slept with you like a fucking idiot. But that is something he can’t get himself to regret at all…he just can’t regret that amazing night he shared with you.

“Bro! You have been in there for like ever dude, I gotta take a piss!” Jungkook hears Nick from the other side of the door, his insistent banging going completely ignored by Jungkook.

“Seriously man, I will pee in the fucking sink!” Nick threatens and Jungkook rolls his eyes.

“Yeah, yeah man, I’m coming.” He looks into the mirror one last time before taking one deep breath and turning towards the bathroom door.

“Bathroom’s all yours.” Jungkook says as he opens the door with Nick already pushing past him.

“Fucking finally!” Nick doesn’t even bother to shut the door behind him as he quickly approaches the toilet to release himself.

Jungkook walks into his room and pulls out his phone as he sits on the edge of his bed. He goes through his message threads, his fingers hovering over your name when he gets to you.

It’s been a few weeks since the trip to your parent’s house. He had such an amazing time. That Saturday your mom cooked one of her famous homemade meals…something Jungkook hasn’t really had in years. Your dad would casually slip in the word ‘son’ in conversation, making Jungkook’s heart glow. You laughed and talked and cried and just looked so at home the entire time, like all your worries were vanishing.

He knows you’re struggling with what to do…but going abroad? Were you serious? You mentioned it to your parents too while there visiting and they loved the idea…making Jungkook’s heart sink. They just encouraged you more while you were there…telling you it was such a fun, and great idea and that it totally suits you. This only made you feel more motivated…Jungkook could see that.

Jungkook wants nothing but the best for you…he just wants you to be happy. Your happiness is his happiness but how could he survive if you left? How could he go a day without seeing you? Or worse…a week? A month? A whole fucking year? He went three months without you and he spiraled pretty bad.

Jungkook continues to sit here, his fingers right over your name and he clicks it.

Jungkook 8:14pm

I have a cold beer with your name on it

y/n 8:21pm

:( I cant hang tonight, sorry boo…im hanging with yoongs and tae. You can come by if youd like to?

Jungkook 8:22pm

No no its okay, you have fun :))

Jungkook brings his phone to his chest, right over his beating heart and he sighs out in frustration. Why can’t everything just be easy? Why is everything so complicated?

~~~~~~~

“And I will be the youngest curator they’ve ever had at this museum!” Tae finishes proudly, cheering his wine glass with yours and Yoongi’s.

“That’s so amazing Tae.” You bring your glass back to your mouth and take a gulp in his honor.

“Proud of you, kid.” Yoongi smiles fondly at Taehyung and you can’t help but also feel very proud. Taehyung got offered the main curator position at the museum of art downtown and you three are at the record shops cozy corner celebrating.

“Anything else new going on?” Taehyung asks, he eyes both you and Yoongi. “Like, any new love interests? Job offers? Juicy drama? Literally anything.”

“Nothing from me.” You laugh, you and Taehyung look over at Yoongi who is sipping his wine with the biggest blush painted on his cheeks.

“Yoongi?” you pry. “Did something new happen with you?”

“Well…I wouldn’t really call it news.” He begins shyly, “But I maybe met someone.”

You and Taehyung share a look of shock and excitement.

“Wait dude, you mean like a romantic interest?” Taehyung asks, setting his glass down on the table.

“Yeah, like you have a crush on someone?” You smile at Yoongi and his blush deepens.

“I wouldn’t go that far,” he admits, “But they’re really nice and have been coming in the store every week and we sort of just end up talking…and they asked for my number—”

“This is definitely a romantic interest!” Taehyung basically shouts. “Did you give it?”

“Yes…” Yoongi takes another sip of his wine, his eyes sliding to the side. “Did I mention they’re cute?”

“You in fact, did not mention that.” You say with a grin. “I’m happy for you Yoongs.”

“I think I’ll ask them out, what do you guys think?” Yoongi whispers.

“I think that’s a great idea man!” Taehyung basically shouts again and you laugh.

“I think I really admire you for going for it…” You sigh. You wish you had that kind of courage.

“You know…” Yoongi sets his wine glass down, and turns in his seat to face you, “It takes a lot of bravery to open up to someone…it takes a lot of strength to admit when you’re wrong and to admit when things aren’t going right. It takes real courage to open your heart to someone like, romantically. You’re like, the coolest human being in the world if you can do those things.” Yoongi folds his hands out in front of him, he bites his lip as he thinks.

“y/n…you don’t have to be some sort of super human.”

You tilt your head in confusion…you thought Yoongi was going to a place where he tells you to go for it too.

“You shouldn’t always be the one doing things. Others need to form the courage too. You’re worth it. You’re worth that risk…that you may not feel the same. Trust me, I would know.” He chuckles light heartedly. “I think he will come around.”

“I don’t know about that.” Taehyung cuts in. “I want to believe he will but…” Taehyung looks over at you with pity. “…He’s…” Taehyung doesn’t know what to say without spilling anything so he decides to let the words die on his tongue.

“To be honest with you guys…” You reach for your glass of wine and chug back the remainder of what’s in the glass rather quickly before slamming it back down on the table.

“New Year’s Eve.” You say. “Four years ago. Something happened. Something major, he…”

“Four years ago, New Year’s Eve?” Taehyung scrunches his brows together as he tilts his head. “Wait something happened between you two?” you only nod your head at Taehyung’s question.

“Did Jungkook say what he wanted to say?” Taehyung asks with big eyes, completely shocked, this is news to him. But now it’s your turn to tilt your head in confusion.

“Say what he wants to say? What are you talking about?”

“Huh? Uh,” Taehyung guesses it’s not what he’s thinking. “It’s nothing. So what happened?”

“We slept together.” You blurt out quickly, giving yourself no time to regret it.

You hear Yoongi chuckle from beside you and you snap your head in his direction.

“What? What’s so funny?” you ask.

“You thought I didn’t already assume that? That you two haven’t already slept together?”

“Damn,” you say, “Observant as usual.”

“WAIT WHAT?” Taehyung sputters out, quite fucking loudly.

You guess Taehyung isn’t as observant.

“We got kind of drunk, kissed at midnight and went back to his dorm and you know…”

Realization hits Taehyung hard. When Jungkook was pissed about the fact Taehyung slept with you it wasn’t just because he was some heroic friend. It was also because Jungkook has already had you and he knows he doesn’t like to share. Fuck.

“Holy fuck, y/n.” Taehyung closes his eyes for a moment, “Wait, and you guys didn’t talk about it after? Didn’t he have something to tell you perhaps?”

“What are you talking about? He totally brushed it off. So I got bitter and didn’t talk to him for a month. Now we just…I don’t know, we just…I feel like we are more than friends but less than lovers.”

“Makes total sense.” Yoongi adds, “You two are that but more than anything you two are complete and total idiots.” “Well, that we can agree on.” Taehyung grins.

~~~~~~

It’s the middle of December meaning it’s time to do your Christmas shopping! You, Trina and Holly are at the mall perusing around and trying to find the perfect gifts.

“Let’s do what we always do y/n.” Trina bumps her elbow into your side, with a smile on her face.

“Couldn’t agree more.” You respond.

“And what do you two always do?” Holly asks, feeling a little left out.

“Oh you know, we agree to no presents.” You say, “One less person to stress over, that’s our gift to each other.”

“Wow.” Holly deadpans, “You guys are so lame.”

“Or are we geniuses?” Trina asks with a grin, she walks closer to Holly and links arms with her, “But don’t worry Hol, I am getting you something.”

“Good.” Holly says, a shy smile making its way on her face.

“Me too!” you say trying to include yourself. “What would you like anyway? Just show me and I’ll buy it for you!”

“That takes out all the fun in gift giving.” Holly pouts, “It’s supposed to be a surprise!”

“Ah, fuck.” Trina spits out, “I suck at gift giving. Just tell us what you want.” She whines.

“No!” Holly laughs. “Look, I’ll be back.” She gestures towards her left, “I gotta use the bathroom.” She waves at you and Trina and walks away.

“Dude what am I going to get Holly?” Trina asks you, her frustration as clear as day. “It’s got to be special.” She adds in shyly. Special? Now’s your time to finally ask her what is up with her and Holly.

“Why special?”

“Oh you know.” Trina’s sheepish grin gives her away. “I don’t got to say it, when you know.”

“Fair enough.” You laugh. “Oh!” you point towards the window of one of the stores to your right, “You see those mugs? Let’s go check them out.”

“What why?”

“Christmas gift.” You say simply.

You both walk towards the glass window and eye the mugs, there’s a whole bunch but there’s a mug with music notes all over it and you’re reminded of the record shop and your two friends. You walk inside and grab three of them. Yes, three matching mugs for you, Yoongi and Taehyung. Even though Taehyung doesn’t drink coffee, he can still put whatever beverage he wants inside.

You pay for the mugs and have them wrapped in Christmas paper! You got some of your first gifts done with! Now you need to find something for Jimin, Jungkook, Holly and your parents. Crap, should you get something for the rest of the boys too? You’ll be seeing them on New year’s…maybe you’ll get them all scarves. That’s easy.

Jimin is easy, you know he’s been eyeing this channel necklace for far too long and you happen to be able to afford it for him. Jungkook isn’t easy at all. So you go with something simple, a new pair of chunky black boots that he’s been talking about for months. Your mom gets a necklace with her birth flower and your dad gets tickets to his favorite sports team…cheap tickets, sorry to your dad. Holly loves penguins so you find a cute penguin pin for her purse, you think she will love it.

Shopping takes almost the whole day, you, Trina and Holly are seated in the malls food court sipping on a smoothie.

“I am so freaking tired.” Holly leans her head on Trina’s shoulder as she speaks.

“Me too, girl, me too.” You respond. “But Christmas is soon!”

“Are you guys excited about going home?” you ask.

“Yeah, my parents promised they would take me ice skating like when I was a kid.” Trina chuckles.

“I’m excited too! What about you y/n?” Holly lifts her head from Trina. “What are you doing for Christmas?”

“Going home, of course. I’m bringing Jungkook with me.” You admit with a soft smile, “My mom and dad love him, they practically beg me every week on the phone that I bring him.”

“You guys are such a couple.” Trina rolls her eyes playfully.

“We’re best friends! He doesn’t have parents to spend it with so he’s coming with me, is that such a crime?” you say lightly.

“No, no. Of course not.” Trina rolls her eyes again. “I wouldn’t be surprised if you guys get together during your trip.”

“Need I remind you he has a girlfriend?”

~~~~~~~~

Jungkook slides his dick in and out of Vanessa as she clenches around him, he holds her body up as he fucks her from behind. He’s been at it for a while but…

“I’m going to come!” She moans out, “Please tell me you’re close!”

“I—I” Jungkook tries fucking her faster and harder as she comes undone. But Jungkook is still trying, he’s fucking struggling. He screws his eyes shut and thrusts into Vanessa at a fast and hard rate but nothing is working.

“Sorry…sorry.” Jungkook begins to slow down, “I can’t. I just can’t” He admits, totally defeated. He’s tired. He eventually comes to a stop, and pulls out.

“I’m sorry Vanessa.” He says quietly, “It’s not you, I promise.” His voice is hoarse.

Vanessa stands and walks to the bathroom to clean herself up, when she returns she sees Jungkook sitting on the edge of the bed with his pants back on.

“It’s okay, Jungkookie.” Vanessa’s smooth voice doesn’t waver as she speaks, “It happens.”

Jungkook runs his hands down his tired face before looking up at Vanessa, his eyes slightly watery.

“This isn’t fair for you, I should be able to fucking come.” He grits out. “At the fucking least.”

“Don’t beat yourself up over it.”

“How are you so calm about this? Hm?”

Vanessa sits on the edge of the bed next to Jungkook, she breathes in and out before raising her head to speak to him.

“He wants to get back together with me, you know.”

Jungkook’s eyes widen at her words. She couldn’t be talking about her ex, could she?

“Vanessa—”

“It’s okay. I said I no. Somehow I feel okay.” She smiles at him, it isn’t one of those coy or secretive smiles she mostly hands out but a real genuine smile.

“I think I just feel good that he wants me again but now I have the upper hand, you know? I’m the one with power.”

“You told him no?”

“And not even because I am supposed to be your girlfriend…but because I decided I need to respect myself. You’re right…what I was doing…it wasn’t healthy.” She admits, she shakes her head to rid herself of her bangs that keep falling in her eyes.

“I���I’m proud of you.”

“I want to be proud of you too.” She whispers.

“What are you talking about?”

“Nothing,” she says quietly, “You’ll see eventually.”

“What does that me—”

“Let’s take a small break.” Vanessa tilts her head to get a quick look at him, “Just until New Year’s.”

“Vanessa—”

“We just need some time to like, miss each other? You know?”

Jungkook shakes his head, “You mean, break up?”

“Just a break. But technically yes, we aren’t together in the meantime.”

“Why?” Jungkook stands up, “We can make this work Vanessa.”

“Please stop.” Vanessa says more sternly. “It’s what I want. Just until New Year’s.”

Jungkook paces back and forth with his bottom lip caught between his teeth. He doesn’t understand why she wants this? Because he couldn’t come? All because of that? He stops pacing to stare at her and she’s already looking up at him with a sickingly sweet smile.

“Fine.” He says. “If that’s—that’s what you want.” He clears his throat and tries smiling for her, she all but nods her head.

~~~~~~~

“You ready?” you ask Jungkook when he walks up to your car. You came to pick him up, insisting that you drive this time.

“Yeah.” Jungkook shows you his bunny grin and you melt, you love that smile of his. He sets his bag in the backseat and walks over to the passenger door and sits down inside.

“I’m excited to spend Christmas with you and your family.”

“Oh, it’s going to be a handful. You’ll be meeting my grandma, some aunts and uncles and some cousins of mine.”

“And I cannot wait.” He repeats. “Do you have my Christmas present here in the car?” he smiles cheekily, “Just give it to me now.”

“Yeah, right. You have to wait until tomorrow dummy!”

“Hey, don’t call me a dummy.” Jungkook pouts. He leans back in the passenger’s seat and closes his eyes.

“Hey, you’re not thinking of taking a nap are you?” You reverse your car out of the parking spot at his apartment.

“Maybe.” Jungkook snickers from beside you, “If you don’t want me falling asleep, tell me something interesting.”

“I think I want to work on getting a TEFL.” You blurt out, “To you know, teach.”

Jungkook’s eyes stay shut as he processes your words, he thinks to himself carefully—he can’t react negatively. He can’t.

“That’s nice, y/n.” He settles for. “You’ll like it.”

“That’s it?” you twist your head to look in his direction, he opens his eyes and stares at you for a few moments.

“Eyes on the road.” Jungkook closes his eyes again.

“Jungkook…you aren’t sad I might be moving away for like, at least a year?” You grip the steering wheel tighter, “You know I would be leaving right?”

“What do you want me to say y/n?” Jungkook opens his eyes and leans forward, “Want me to tell you no? That you aren’t allowed to leave?”

“Well…no. But you could act like you care a little.” You whisper out in pout.

“I do care.” Jungkook huffs, “But I just want you to do whatever makes you happy.”

“You make me happy.”

Jungkook quirks a brow and smiles, “So, you want to do me?”

“Gross,” you reach over and hit his arm. “You know what I mean. I just…I mean I value your opinion.”

Jungkook’s smile begins to fade as he stares at the cars floorboard. He zones out for a few moments, not entirely sure what to say. While it is true he wants you to do whatever makes you happy he also doesn’t want you to go anywhere.

“Do what’s best for you baby.” He all but whispers. “I will believe in you and support you no matter what.”

“I guess I’ll take that for now.” You whine. “How’s work going for you?”

“It’s good.” Jungkook’s eyes light up, “The director is letting me edit some pretty important scenes.” He gushes. “I brought my work stuff so I can show you over the next couple of days.”

“Yeah? That sounds exciting Jungkook!”

You finally merge on the high way for your few hour trip, you got your ‘Chillin’ playlist on and a few snacks on hand. You and Jungkook chit chat every so often but you mostly jam to the music.

“Let’s listen to Disney radio station!” You hand Jungkook your phone, “Hurry, put it.”

Jungkook takes your phone with a grin and selects the Disney option on pandora, the first song to come on is Lion King’s ‘Hakuna Matata’. You and Jungkook sing your hearts out, smiling, giggling and belting out the notes.

A couple hours pass like this, your throat getting admittedly sore. But Jungkook on the other hand is still going strong, he is singing all the parts in ‘Kiss the Girl’ with such passion…you can’t help but chuckle as you listen to him.

“Phew, I am worn out!” you say, laughing. “But I see you can keep going?” you turn the volume down.

“Oh, we can switch it up…but to answer the question you know I can keep going.” He winks. And you know he meant that innocently but you can’t help but blush.

“Right.” You hand him your phone again, “Our trip is almost over…you can just put on a playlist.”

“Are you excited to see your parents again?”

“Well, I just saw them last month…but yes.” You admit, “Being home is always nice. My parents have been bothering me for weeks making sure you are actually coming with me for Christmas.” You chuckle, “They’ll be glad to see you.”

Jungkook grabs a hold of his ears in excitement, you can tell he’s genuinely happy as he sits here and smiles that smile.

“I’m glad to see them too. And I am excited to meet more of your family.”

“There will probably be misunderstandings…but don’t worry, I will make it clear we are just friends.” You nod your head as you speak. Jungkook just shrugs in response, just fucking shrugs.

“Isn’t that your house up there on the corner?” Jungkook points forward towards the house.

“Yup.”

When you pull into the driveway your parents are making their way outside, they smile at you and you wave from inside your car. You turn it off and turn to face Jungkook.

“You ready?”

“Yes.” He grins.

You step out of your car and your mom and dad are rushing to bring you in for a hug, they hold you close and you feel yourself feeling right at home. You begin to pull away and head towards the backseat when your mom grabs your arm,

“You two can get your things later—before bed, before bed.” She guides you towards the house, “And hello, Jungkook.” She smiles widely, “So nice you are here again! Let’s go see everyone!”

“Yes mam.” Jungkook says with a small smile, he walks forward and shakes hands with your dad.

“Nice to see you again, son.”

“Yes sir, you too.”

“Stop being so formal!” you look back at him, teasing. You and your mom walk to the front door, waiting for your dad and Jungkook to catch up.

The four of you enter the house, it smells like pie and cookies and warmth and you know, like Christmas. You hear the chitter chatter of your relatives filling the house and you want to smile. You can hear your cousins gossiping in the kitchen, you hear their children playing in the backyard (The back door is open), you hear your grandma snoring on your dads recliner, while your aunt and uncle quietly talk on the other sofas. You hear what it’s like to feel at home.

“Look who is here, everyone!” Your mom announces obnoxiously. “It’s y/n and Jungkook!”

First your aunt and uncle’s attention are caught, they nod your way with smiles on their faces and you head over to the sofas to hug them each. Your grandma stays snoring on the recliner and you giggle, classic grandma.

Next, your cousins are coming in from kitchen. Three of them to be exact, Daniel and his wife Larissa and your other cousin who is your age Manny. Daniel and Larissa have 3 beautiful children who are playing in the back, you can hear their giggles from inside. Manny is much shorter than you, she’s petite and curvy and really, really pretty. You go in to hug her first, she wraps her arms around you loosely.

“y/n!” she yells excitedly, “It’s been since last Christmas right?!” she asks, still holding on to you.

“Something like that.” You giggle, “Hi Daniel, Larissa.” You go in to hug them as well.

“Guys this is Jungkook.” You finally introduce the awkward boy, he stands here swaying from side to side waiting to meet everyone. He bows his head in greeting and everyone says their hello’s. All except sleeping grandma.

“Well, hello.” Manny smiles at Jungkook, “I didn’t even see you there, which is crazy because you’re like crazy hot—”

“Okay, Manny.” You try cutting in early enough, but are a bit late.

“Oh?” Jungkook eyebrows climb to up his forehead as he looks at Manny.

“I’m Manny.” She winks, “ You must be y/n’s friend, I presume?”

“Uh…”

“y/n!!!!” Your grandma comes up to you all, her sweet perfume filling the air around you. “You’re here, sweetie.”

“Grandma!” you lean in and hug her frail body, she smells like she always has your whole entire life, sweet.

“And this must be your boyfriend, Jungkook? I have heard so much about you, dear.” Your grandmas opens her arms, signaling Jungkook to lean in and hug her—which he does.

“Actually grandma—”

“You finally have a nice boyfriend, your parents have told me all about him.” she winks, “I am so happy for you sweetie, I think I can finally rest easy.”

“Rest easy?” you question, “No grandma you are mis—”

“It’s nice to meet you.” Jungkook smiles at your grandma and she cheeses hard.

“You can call me grandma, dear.” She pats his back lovingly, “I want to hear all about you two. Shall we drink some tea together?”

“Boyfriend?” Manny asks, confused. “I didn’t know you guys started dating?”

“We aren’t—”

“Its new.” Jungkook cuts in. He slides his arm around your waist and you audibly gasp.

“What’s new?” Your mom walks up to you all.

“They’re dating.” Manny says, looking unimpressed.

“WHAT! Darling, get in here!” She calls your dad over, “Jungkook and y/n are together, together!”

“No we are—” you try cutting in but you feel Jungkook dig his fingers into your waist.

“THEY’RE TOGETHER?!” Your dad yells out, his excitement clear as day. You stand here confused as hell as your whole family starts congratulating you two.

“Wait, wait.” You try getting out but Jungkook leans in to whisper in your ear.

“We can’t disappoint grandma.” He says softly.

~~~~~~

“I met my Roy at a party too.” Your grandma says between sips, she holds her tea in front of her face as she reminisces.

“Was it love at first sight?” Your grandma asks, wiggling her brows. “Me and my Roy didn’t get together for quite some time so I don’t think it was love at first sight for us…when did you know?”

“Grandma…” you begin, “Can we talk about something else?” you beg.

“I knew only a few months later.” Jungkook admits shyly, he smiles at your grandma while bringing his tea cup to his lips. “I knew no one could take y/n’s spot. But I was content with being friends.”

Your eyes grow in size, his confession warming you up. You know it’s all for show but you can’t help what it does to you.

“I also knew after a few months.” You say quietly.

“Oh, how lovely!” Your grandma claps her hands together softly, “And now here you are! Jungkook…” Your grandma sets down her tea cup and looks over at Jungkook. “I trust you will take care of y/n no matter what, right?”

“No matter what.” He says quickly. “She takes care of me too.”

“And how does she do that?” Your grandma raises a drawn on brow.

“She is always there for me…she always tries to understand me even when I am in the wrong…she always tries to get to know me like she doesn’t already know everything,” he chuckles, “She always hugs me when I need it.” Jungkook looks at you with a soft smile, “She really loves me and I can feel it.” Then his mouth falls open and his eyes expand a little, “Do you… love me y/n? Like—”

“Okay, that’s enough about us babe,” you cut him off, “When did you get in town grandma?”

“Oh, just last night.” She mumbles, “I—”

“So,” Manny comes into the kitchen, her v neck lower than it was 20 minutes ago, you can’t help but roll your eyes. “What do you do Jungkook?” she leans down into his space, one hand squeezing his bicep as she asks her question.

“Um, I work as an editor for a film company.” His eyes shift to you and you roll your eyes again. “What about you?”

“Oh? Me? I work at a marketing firm. Was hoping to see y/n there.” She smiles at you. “But guess she didn’t apply? Maybe?”

“I didn’t get hired.” You state plainly. “But I didn’t want to work there anyway.” You grip your thigh in annoyance.

“y/n is probably too good for that company anyway.” Jungkook says, his hand reaches for yours and you relax a little bit.

“Right.” Manny nods her head exaggeratedly, “That’s got to be it…” she winks at you and you give a half ass smile.

“So Jungkook…” she finally takes a seat next to him, her hand still on his arm. “Film, huh? That’s soo cool. What do you do in your spare time?” she squeezes his bicep again, “Besides working out, of course.” She laughs.

Jungkook looks at you in panic, his eyes shifting from yours to his arm and you just roll your eyes.

“Manny.” You cut in, “How’s Luis?”

“Oh, we broke up.” She says smiling at Jungkook. “Nothing to worry about it.”

“And what’s to worry about,” you lean over and detach her fingers from Jungkook’s arm. “Hm?”

“Oh nothing.” Manny shakes her head.

“Manny, did you ever take my things out of the drier?” Your grandma speaks up, “Please put them in my room if you haven’t already.”

“Speaking of rooms.” Your mom and dad walk into the kitchen, their hands joined together.

“What?” you ask.

“Grandma is in Jungkook’s room. So Jungkook will have to stay in your room with you.” She says nonchalantly.

“Hm? Okay.” You shrug while Jungkook’s eyes widen just slightly. “Where are aunt and uncle sleeping? And Daniel and the rest? “Oh, we got a hotel.” Manny says, “Which sucks because it would have been fun to have a little slumber party.” She says in pout. You give her a tight smile and nod.

“Sure.” You get out, “Guess it’s just me and Jungkook for the slumber party.” You wink at her and Jungkook laughs as he squeezes your hand.

“Can’t wait baby.”

“Oh, you guys are gross.” Manny gags, “We get it.”

“Yeah, behave.” Your mom gives you a pointed look, “You’re still in your parent’s house.”

“Sorry, sorry. We’re just messing around.” You wave your hand, “Also, I can get your things from the drier grandma, I am going upstairs anyway to change.”

“Thank you sweetie.”

You let go of Jungkook’s hand as you stand up, he looks up at you in panic. You’re leaving him here with Manny?! He’s not stupid, this girl is clearly not caring about the whole boyfriend thing but he doesn’t want to make a scene by saying something to her.

“I’ll go with you.” Jungkook rushes to say earning strange looks from your parents. “Be—because I should bring up our bags from the car.”

“Ah, yes! That’s true, that’s true.” Your mom nods her head in agreeance, “You two go.”

Upstairs is much quieter, Jungkook thinks to himself. Just the background noise of muffled voices and occasional laughter. You two are in your childhood bedroom with both of your bags on your small bed. You are digging through your own luggage when you hear Jungkook clear his voice.

“What’s up?” you don’t look up to see him, you continue digging into your bag for some sleep shorts and a t shirt.

“This bed is tiny.” Jungkook groans, “How are we going to sleep on it?”

“I suppose one of us could make a palette on the flo—”

“—No.” Jungkook shakes his head, “I just mean, you’ll have to sleep super close to me.”

“That doesn’t bother me. Does it bother you suddenly?” you grab the small shorts from your bag and set them on the bed.

“W-What? No…” he admits shyly, his teeth on full display at he smiles at his own bag. “I was just saying.”

“Will Vanessa not like it?” you whisper as you find the t shirt. “Because—”

“Actually we—”

“—ask her?”

“No, it’s fine. Trust me.” Jungkook brings out his own change of clothes and stands here awkwardly, not knowing where to go.

“I do trust you.” You breathe out, “We can just turn around and change.” You offer, already spinning on your heels and lifting your sweater over your head. Jungkook continues to stare at you until he’s hit with realization. He quickly turns around and starts changing as well.

“You sure let Manny touch you however she pleases.” You spit out quietly. Jungkook freezes mid shirt lift, his eyes growing in panic.

“It’s not that I was letting her…I just…I didn’t know what to do…I’m sorry—”

“Yeah, I know.” You roll your eyes even though he cannot see. “I’m just—it’s my fault. Me and Manny grew up together. The boy she liked in high school liked me…and ever since then she’s always…” you wiggle into your sleep shorts, slipping the material over your ass.

“Oh, I get it.” Jungkook slips on a new t shirt, “I’m done. Are you?”

“Yeah, I am.”

You both turn around, smiling sheepishly at one another. He’s wearing black sweats with a plain white t shirt and you in your sleep shorts you always use to wear around the apartment that use to drive Jungkook wild and one of his black t shirts.

“Hey, that’s mine.” He pouts, pointing at the shirt you’re wearing.

“Mine now.” You poke your tongue out. Jungkook pretends to reach over the bed to grab your tongue which makes you laugh.

“Don’t let Manny touch you again.” You blurt out, “I don’t like it.”

Jungkook bites down on his bottom lip as he stares at you, he begins walking to the other side of the bed until he’s standing in front of you.

“Why don’t you like it?” he asks softly.

“It’s annoying to look at it.”

“It irritates you to see another girl touch me?”

“It’s irritating when that girl is my cousin.”

“Why does it matter who it is specifically?” Jungkook steps closer to you, he pushes his hands in his sweat pockets.

“I don’t want you to fuck my cousin, Jungkook. Sue me.” Your straightforwardness makes Jungkook chuckle.

“I wouldn’t fuck your cousin, y/n.”

“Yeah, because you have Vanessa.” You remind him.

“Actually we—”

“—we should head back downstairs.” You try pushing past him but he catches your wrist.

“Tell me why it irritates you so much.”

“I just don’t like it, Jungkook.” You huff.

“Are you perhaps jealous?” Jungkook lowers your wrist, but he doesn’t let go.

“Why would I be jealous?” You yank your wrist from his hold and push past him, walking towards your bedroom door. “Come on.”

You basically told him you weren’t jealous but why did it have to happen that when teams were being chosen for this game night, Jungkook and Manny would get paired together.

The universe is laughing at you. Manny is…shameless. She has no problem flirting with someone else’s man…you’re no exception. You can tell Jungkook is slightly uncomfortable and not really enjoying the attention but still, somehow you are fuming. It’s not like he’s being exceptionally nice to her, he’s just not being standoffish enough to your liking.

“Oh, Jungkook!” Manny giggles for no reason, she leans into Jungkook’s space, just laughing away while sit you here and watch. He chuckles awkwardly, his hands messing with the playing cards in front of him. You hate this view. You thought any view with Jungkook would be a nice one, but you were wrong. Watching your cousin fawn over him like this is making you angry as fuck. As it should, right? Jungkook is your boyfriend! Well—not actually. But still! As far as Manny is concerned, Jungkook is your man, and she needs to back off.

“Manny, could you maybe give my boyfriend some space.” You snap, your voice cutting in through your family’s chatter. The room quiets down and all eyes are on you.

Manny looks all around the room, red creeping on her cheeks as she sits here, embarrassed. She opens her mouth to speak when you hold up a hand to stop her. Then you use that hand to gesture towards their bodies,

“He’s clearly uncomfortable that you are sitting so close, and frankly, I am too.”

“y/n…”

“And he’s too nice to say anything.” Your cold eyes look at her then they slide to Jungkook, “Which is something you need to work on babe.”

“I am not even sitting that close, jeez, you are as dramatic as ever.” Manny tries to roll her eyes, while subtlety scooting away. “And really? You try to call me out in front of everyone?”

“Oh? Should we talk in private then?”

“y/n.” this time the one saying your name is Jungkook. “Maybe we should go to sleep. Start new tomorrow, huh?” The tension between you and Manny too much for him to handle right now, especially in front of everyone.

“I think that’s a great idea.” It’s grandma. “It’s way past my bedtime too.”

“I think your aunt and uncle were just talking about how it’s almost time to leave too. Perfect timing!” Your mom chimes in, “Let’s all say goodnight.”

You don’t say anything to Jungkook as you peel back the baby pink duvet on your bed, you just stare down at your twin mattress with hard eyes.

“Are you okay?”

You continue to stay silent as you slip under the covers, scooting all the way towards the edge of the bed as far as you possibly can.

“y/n…” Jungkook pats in the last of his facial moisturizer into his skin, “I asked if you’re okay?” his back is facing you as he sits on the edge of the bed, placing his moisturizer back in his bag. “It was interesting,” (Hot.) “To see you all…protective,” (Jealous.) “Tonight.”

“I’m going to sleep.” You are laying on your back, staring up at the ceiling fan. “I don’t feel like talking tonight.”

Jungkook lays down next to you, his body so freaking close. He lays on his side, facing you. His right arm going under his head, trying his hardest to get comfortable in such close quarters.

“No talking, but maybe cuddling?” Jungkook whispers, and you of course hear it clear as day because he is so fucking close to you.

“Call me crazy but I don’t feel like cuddling with a guy who can’t even tell another girl to fuck off.” You shut your eyes. “Not in the mood.”

Jungkook blinks a few times, your words sinking in. You’re kind of right, he should of said something too but he didn’t know what to say. It’s your cousin! In front of your family! And he tried his hardest to lean away from Manny as much as possible.

“I’m sorry, y/n. You’re right. I should have said something.” His left hand reaches out to grab your hand that rests on top of your stomach.

“Yeah, you should have. But now I’m the asshole who called her out in front of everyone.”

Jungkook remembers it, and he darkly chuckles.

“Yeah, and it was hot.” He admits, making you open your eyes as you snap your head towards him.

“You think me being crazy jealous was hot?” you give him a look like he’s crazy.

“So you are jealous?” Jungkook smirks, “But I don’t see it that way. I see it as being protective over what’s yours.”

“So, you’re mine?” you turn to lean on your side, your body bumping into his. “At least until the end of this trip right?” you laugh, “I can’t believe you just don’t want to disappoint grandma.”

“At least until the end of this trip.” Jungkook leans his head closer to yours, “You finally brought home a boyfriend.” He grins as his forehead slightly bumps into yours.

What does Jungkook mean at least? And why does he always become closer and closer to you?

If you were to lift your head up at all, his lips would be dangerously close to yours.

“Jeez, how many fake boyfriends am I going to have this year?” you joke, keeping your head down, “I really got to find a real one by now.”

“I know the room is dark,” Jungkook begins, “But I still want to see your eyes when we talk.”

“Didn’t I say I didn’t want to talk?”

“y/n…” Jungkook whines, “You’re still mad at me?”

“Not really, it’s not your fault. I’m just still pissed at the situation.” You admit quite easily. “It’s honestly so disrespectful of her. You’re my boyfriend. You’re my man. You’re mine.”

Jungkook’s hand settles over your waist, he grabs on and brings you in closer to his body. He inhales you, taking in your scent. You smell so good to him, he could inhale you forever. Your words echo in his mind as he snuggles you closer. Your man? His heart races faster and faster as the echo gets louder.

“I’m yours, hm?” he runs his fingers down your side, starting from your shoulder until the top of your hip bone. “Does that make you mine?” He breathes out, “Are you mine baby?” his fingers dance over your hips, your shirt and shorts separating his fingers from touching your warm skin.

“You know what I mean.” You huff out, closing your eyes from his gentle touch.

“Do I though?” Jungkook’s hand lingers over your hips, until he is playing with the end of your shirt.

“Let me touch your skin.” He softly begs, “It’ll feel nice.”

Your eyes open in surprise, what skin? Where will he be touching?

“Innocent, I swear.” Jungkook adds, “Just want to make you feel nice.”

“Isn’t that weird?” you finally ask.

“I don’t think so.”

“Fine.” You close your eyes again, “Touch me.”

Jungkook bites his lips when you give him the green light, he wasn’t expecting you to agree so quickly. Because what if it is weird? He just wants to touch your skin, no harm done. Jungkook leans up on his arms and tugs at the bottom of your shirt,

“I am going to slide this up a bit, okay?” he asks and you nod your head but you hear him chuckle.

“Words, baby.”

“Yes.” You breathe out, your eyes still closed.

Jungkook takes the material between his fingers and begins to slowly, very slowly ride the shirt up. His eyes have finally adjusted to the dark, where he can see you just enough. The shirt slides up your body, exposing your skin inch by inch. He gulps.

He lifts the shirt up until your pretty blue bralette is showing itself, your breasts falling to the side giving you a good amount of cleavage. He gulps again.

When the shirt is all bunched up at your armpits, Jungkook lays back down on his side. The cold air that spins in circles thanks to the fan is causing your skin to get goosebumps, your stomach feeling extra sensitive.

“Touch me, Jungkook.” You softly command. “I want you to.”

Jungkook swallows hard at your straightforwardness. His hand slowly creeps up to your shoulder, his fingers brushing against the material of the t shirt before he’s lightly dragging his fingers down your side. His fingertips hit your exposed skin, he lightly glides them down, just barely touching you. When he reaches your hip bone he dances his fingers lower until they’re grazing your lower stomach. His touch is so light it’s got your breathing getting just a bit heavier. He repeats his action a few times, starting from your shoulder until his fingers glide across your bare stomach. He’s right, it does feel nice. Too nice, almost.

“How do my fingers feel?” He clears his throat, his voice nice and low. Your eyes shoot open at his question. This is all innocent, but why does that question feel so dirty?

“They feel so good.” You breathe out, “So good.”

Jungkook smiles and continues sliding his fingers over your lower stomach, causing you to release a long, shaky breath. His touch is so fucking good, his touch leaving a trail of fire. As his fingers lightly skid across your stomach he leaves behind such heat. His fingers finally glide up, they barely reach right under your breasts. Your breath catches in your throat, his fingers so dangerously close to your tits and you want to smash your head on something. God, what it would feel like to have them being touched by his large hand.

Jungkook uses just his pointer finger to drag his finger down from the center of your lower chest until he’s passing your belly button, until he’s reaching your lower stomach again, his finger stopping at the drawstrings on your shorts.

You can’t help but release a long, quiet moan as his finger does that over and over. You clench your stomach muscles with each stroke of his fingers. Why does Jungkook have to make you feel so fucking good?

Jungkook feels himself getting hard against your thigh, but he doesn’t care to hide it. Touching your warm, soft skin feels so intimate and that moan you released? His cock needs to hear more. He grabs a hold of your hip, the material of the shorts in the way of your skin.

“Can I lower these a little?” he pants out. “Just a little.”

“Yes.” You feel your breaths getting heavier.

Jungkook slips his fingers under the shorts and slowly drags down the material over your hip, your panties sliding down as well. Jungkook grunts in approval, he thumbs your hip bone causing you to quietly whimper.

“You really like your hips and stomach to be touched.” He states.

“S-Sensitive.” You admit.

Jungkook massages the skin of your hip, very, very lightly. Almost like he isn’t touching you at all, like he’s just trying to tease you. And it’s working. You feel your breaths become more erratic. You keep your eyes closed as the light feeling of his fingertips begin to make you wet. You can’t help but slightly rotate your hips in circles as he touches you, and you can’t help but moan when he puts more pressure into his massage on your hip.

“You like that?” Jungkook breathes out, “Feel good?”

Your hips move faster underneath his electric touch, you start to become desperate, needing more. You finally open your eyes, Jungkook notices how dark and captivating they look. You reach forward until your own hand is at his shirt.

“Off.”

Jungkook looks at you, very confused. But he doesn’t waste another moment when he sits up and throws his shirt off.

“Good.” Your hands go to grope his chest. His strong muscles flex beneath your touch. You drag your hands down his chest until they stop at the waistband of his sweats, he throws his head back as you explore the front of his body.

“Want to touch you too.” You admit between harsh breaths.

Jungkook’s hand goes to the shirt bunched around your shoulders and tugs on it,

“Off too.” He guides you to sit up and he helps you take off your shirt. Your strappy bralette leaves almost nothing to the imagination, Jungkook thinks. The material is so very thin that he sees your hard nipples and he wants to brush his thumb over them. But he refrains.

“Much better.” Jungkook says in one breath. “Now lay down.”

You do as he says, this time you lay on your back instead of your side. You try breathing in and out normally but can’t help how irregular your breaths are.

“Jungkook.” You whine, “Touch me.”

“So needy.” Jungkook’s hand hovers over the top of your stomach, “My baby is so needy.” He whispers.

You reach up and caress Jungkook’s cheek, “I am.” You admit. Jungkook throws his head back, biting on his lip as he grins.

“Good girl.” His fingers lightly dance below your belly button and you whine. He glides his fingers lower and lower until they’re at your waistband.

“Going to pull these down…just a little.” His voice cracks as he stares down at you.

You nod your head and tell him yes over and over.

He drags the shorts just a bit lower, right before your pussy is exposed. His fingers lightly touch your new exposed skin, and you moan. The feeling getting you so worked up.

“I want to do the same to you.” You try say between your rough breathing. “Let me touch you, Jungkook.” Your hands go to his stomach, your touch anything but light as you drag your hands down with pressure. You reach the top of his waist band and begin pulling down until he’s catching your wrist.

“And what do you think you are doing?” Jungkook’s low, deep voice sends a shiver down your god damn spine.

“Innocent, I promise.” You mock, “Want to touch you too.”

“I think we have had enough,” he teases lightly, bringing his hand back to his own body. “Let’s go to sleep.”

“Fine, cuddle me.” You say, annoyed. You turn to your other side, where your back is facing him.

“Fine by me. But…” He sinks down further into the covers to spoon you, one arm going beneath your head and the other pulling you in by the hips, “Remember what happens when we get in this position.” You feel his hard cock poke your ass and you moan out quietly.

“What happens?” you play dumb.

“4 years ago, you asked me to cuddle you like this because you wanted to get fucked.” he says easily and you choke on your spit. He’s referencing that night?

Jungkook is so lost in you, he doesn’t care anymore. He will bring up that night a million times if he has to. He loves you. And he’s starting to get real tired of the constant tension between you two. He pushes his hips into your ass, you feel how hard he is and you squeeze your eyes shut.

“I also said this position makes me feel safe.” You play innocent as you bump your ass into his crotch.

“I make you feel safe?”

“You make me feel a lot of things.” You whimper, backing your ass further into his cock, it’s so hard and poking against you in such a way that drives you nuts.

Jungkook groans as he feels you circling your hips into his crotch. His hand goes to your hip and he squeezes tightly making you moan out.

“You got to be more quiet baby.” Jungkook warns softly, “We don’t want your parents or your grandmother thinking we are really having that ‘slumber party’.” He jokes.

“Then what are we having?”

“Just some innocent massages between friends.” He comments with a snicker.

“Oh? Is my ass massaging your dick so innocent?” you whine out, “I don’t really do this sort of thing with my other friends.” You keep your eyes screwed shut.

“It’s very innocent.” Jungkook teases, he begins lightly humping you. He pushes his cock further and further on your ass cheeks, he moans when you two find a rhythm. He remembers when he fucked you in this position, he remembers it well. How you sounded, how you smelled, how you felt. He memorized the feeling of you.

“Fuck, y/n…” Jungkook quietly groans out. He rocks his hips into you faster, and you hate everything. You want to touch yourself so bad. You want to slide your fingers down your shorts and rub your aching clit, you would like it even more if it was Jungkook’s fingers.

“Not fair…” you say in pout, arching your back.

“What’s not?” he pants.

“I want to feel good too…” you say, flipping to your other side, facing him. You scoot impossibly close until his cock is pressed against your lower stomach.

“Innocently, of course.” You throw a leg over his waist as your hands go to his chest to guide him to lay on his back. “Gonna make us both feel good.” Your eyes are glazed over in lust as you speak.

You straddle his hips and find the right placement in sitting down…his cock nice and snug between your clothed folds. You begin moving your hips until you have the right angle on your clit and you moan.

“Is this okay?” you breathe out and Jungkook nods his head quickly.

You begin rocking yourself against his clothed cock, he quietly whimpers at the feeling. Jungkook screws his eyes shut as his mouth falls open and wonderful panting leaves his lips. You watch him lose his composure as you hump him, you pick up the pace, becoming more and more desperate. Your clit is thanking you. ‘Thank you bitch’ it says.

“I—I can’t” Jungkook moans out, “I—I can’t do this.”

You immediately slow down, rejection sinking in. “What do you mean? You don’t want to do—”

“—I don’t want to do this with clothes on.” Jungkook groans, his fingers digging into your hips. “I need you naked. Fucking now.” He grits out.

You finally still as you process his words. Are you two about to fuck? Is this really a good idea? Again? But you are so far gone…you are so beyond horny that you are able to push your logical thinking to the side.

“Okay.” You look at him with lust filled eyes, “Take off my clothes.”

Jungkook’s eyes widen but he’s nodding his head so fucking fast it’s almost comical. He rushes to unclasp your bralette, your breasts bouncing as they are freed. He sits up, and you are graced with the sight of Jungkook’s mouth sucking on your tit. You arch your back, pushing your breast further into his mouth, his tongue swirling over the hardened nub. You throw your head back in pleasure, his hand giving your other breast all the attention it needs.

“Shorts, Jungkook.” You beg. “Take them off me.”

Jungkook detaches his self from your breast and looks up into your eyes and smirks,

“Say please, princess.”

“Fucking please, please.”

Jungkook’s hands quickly find their way to your shorts and your rise to your knees to help him slip them off your legs. Your panties go down with the shorts and Jungkook couldn’t be more pleased.

“Oh my god baby.” Jungkook stares at you with dark eyes, “Your wetness is literally dripping down your inner thighs. You are so fucking wet.” He comments and you smile shyly.

“You…” you begin to say.

“What about me?” he teases, his fingers grazing your inner thigh, he wipes some of your cum off your sensitive skin.

“You did this to me.”

“Yes I did baby. And I will take full responsibility.” He guides your body up his own, you follow his lead.

“Ride my face.” He commands as he lays back down, his hand in yours still guiding you when you stop abruptly.

“W—What?”

“Ride my face baby.” He tugs on your hand and you hesitantly make your way closer to him. You stop when you are hovering over his chest, knees on either side of his neck when you start to get shy.

“I’ve never…”

“Keep going,” his hands go to your hips and he’s guiding you further up until your pussy is hovering over his warm mouth.

“Now sit.”

“Jungkook—”

“I said, sit.”

And you do, you lower yourself over his mouth…you slam your eyes shut, feeling nervous. But then you are met with his wet, warm tongue. You stay still as he begins licking at you, his tongue licking a strip from your hole to your clit. You start to relax as the sensation fills you up, his tongue swirling around causing you to release a long, breathy moan. You can’t help but start to rock your hips back and forth…the feeling even more spectacular. You try to keep quiet, you really do. But Jungkook’s tongue is quite literally fucking you.

“Ah, Jungkook.” You throw your head back, your eyes rolling all around as you ride his face faster. You feel Jungkook moan into your pussy, making you whimper even more.

You don’t know how much time has passed but it does not matter. Jungkook shows no sign of stopping anytime soon, his tongue working to make you feel so fucking good. You ride his face even harder now, your thighs shaking as you squeeze around his head.

“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.” You pant out, “I think I’m going to—”

You rock your hips as fast as you can as you feel your orgasm approaching, Jungkook’s hands squeeze your ass cheeks. He encourages you to rock against him even harder as he guides your hips. His tongue is laid flat against your clit as you ride him faster, you can feel how close you are. You thighs shake and you feel your pussy clench around nothing as your orgasm hits you. It hits you so fucking hard, like a strong wind that’s knocked you over.

“Fuuuuuucckkk.” You squeeze your thighs together, probably crushing Jungkook’s head as you come. You breathe so fucking hard as you try to hurry to come down from your amazing orgasm, you struggle to rise to your knees, so Jungkook helps lift you a bit until you are rising from his mouth.

You inch backwards until you are hovering over his chest, when he makes you sit down. You open your eyes, and take a look at the man before you.

His entire face is glistening with your cum and he looks so fucking happy about it. He’s trying to catch his own breath as he eyes you, his entire face wet with your cum. He is fucking grinning at you.

“You did so amazing baby.” He breathes out.

“That was incredible.” You admit. “Want to…” you start off hesitantly, “Want to fuck my mouth?”

Jungkook slams his eyes shut, and takes a few deep breaths before he slowly opens his eyes again.

“No…We should get cleaned up and go to sleep. Don’t you think?” he asks softly.

“Go…to sleep?” you ask, disappointed. “Sure.” You say kind of detached. “If that’s what you want.”

~~~~~~

Shame. Guilt. Regret.

It’s the next morning and you are trying your hardest to sleep away from Jungkook. But the bed is so small making it almost impossible. You didn’t sleep at all. Which feels unfair because Jungkook is next to you snoring away with a lazy arm thrown over your waist.

Shame. Guilt. Regret.

Jungkook has a girlfriend but you and him…oh my god you made Jungkook a cheater. You are the fucking worst. You let lust win in this dangerous game you two are playing, you let it win and shove it’s victory in your face. You hate yourself. You feel so fucking bad! Vanessa may not be your favorite person but cheating is never okay.

Shame. Guilt. Regret.

You wonder if Jungkook will feel these things too as he wakes up…you wonder if he will feel worse. Jungkook is a lot of things but a cheater isn’t one of them. He’s always felt strongly about the subject because of his mom and dad. Will he be weird with you? Will he feel worse than you? Will he be able to forgive himself?

Suddenly, Jungkook’s light snores go quiet and his arm is tightening around your waist just the slightest. He’s awake. He begins pulling you in closer to his body and then you feel his lips on your neck. He leaves just an innocent peck and then you think he may be going back to sleep with how comfortable he’s getting.

“Let’s get up.” You break the silence in the room, “I can hear people downstairs.”

“Oh, good morning.” You feel him smile on your neck, “Why don’t we stay here for just a few minutes?”

Has he not processed what he’s done? Where is his shame? His guilt? His regret? You feel sick.

“We really should get up.” You repeat. “I’m hungry.” You detach yourself from his body and rise from the bed. You don’t even look at him as you grab a change of clothes and exit the room to head towards the bathroom.

Jungkook is left on the bed wondering what’s up with you? Are you feeling awkward after last night? He thought you might be in a good mood…considering your orgasm…but instead your mood seems to be sour.

“Great.” Jungkook mutters underneath his breath. He gets up too, going to his bag to change for the day. When he’s done, he grabs his toiletries and makes his way to the bathroom. He stands outside the door, softly knocking. You swing the door open with your toothbrush hanging out of your mouth when you usher him inside.

“I’m going to wash up too…” Jungkook warns. He sets his small toiletry bag on the bathroom counter and takes out his face wash, moisturizer and tooth brush.

You nod your head as you continue to brush your teeth, toothpaste foaming at the corner of your mouth.

“How do you feel this morning?” Jungkook tries to make decent conversation as he applies his face wash to his face.

You spit out the toothpaste and rinse your mouth, wiping your face dry with a towel.

“Fine.” You spit out. “Just fine.”

Jungkook washes his face with water, and pats his face dry with a small towel, just nodding his head. He feels awkward.

“I feel fine too…” He adds, trying to add more to the convo. “Do you think grandma heard us last night?” he asks.

“Let’s not talk about last night.” You snap, “Can’t you read a room?”

You grab your things and leave the bathroom, leaving Jungkook wondering what the hell he did to make you so mad. Did you hate it that much? Maybe in the past he would have thought that but now…he knows how much you liked it. Loved it even. Jungkook doesn’t feel as insecure as before, he just knows the only way to solve this is to talk to you. Communication.

Communication would be a lot easier if he was given a god damn chance at talking to you but your mom is keeping you so busy in the kitchen with your gossipy aunt’s chitter chatter filling every crevice of the room. You nod along, even laugh as you listen. Jungkook is in the backyard with the three kids, keeping them entertained as you, Manny, Larissa, your aunt and mom bake in the kitchen with grandma sipping her tea at the table. Your dad, uncle and Daniel are in the living room watching some show, clanking their beer bottles together in celebration. Today is Christmas eve. Apparently this is when your family does most of the major celebrating, you guys bake and cook all day, eat a grand dinner and open presents. And Christmas day you just eat leftovers and chill.

The youngest kid has grown quite fond of Jungkook, she tends to feel left out by her two older brothers. Jungkook plays with her and she has already formed an attachment making your cousin in law laugh at them fondly.

“Your boyfriend is great with kids! Lucky you.” Larissa winks at you as she rolls the cookie dough on the counter.

“Yeah, yeah.” You say plainly.

“y/n…what’s wrong?” Manny comes up to your side, “Trouble in paradise?”

“No, Manny.” You snap. “But I bet you would like that.”

“Girls, let’s not fight.” Your aunt cuts in while your mom just looks at you worried.

“I would hardly call it a fight.” You hear your grandmas sweet voice over everyone else’s. “Now how are those drop cookies coming along girls?”

“They’re coming.” You say. “If Manny ever finishes with the dry ingredients.”

“I told you I was almost done, chill out.”

“Girls.” Your mom warns, “y/n, why don’t you go keep Jungkook company?”

Your eyes go from your moms to outside where Jungkook is and you panic.

“No, it’s okay…he’s fine.”

“You know what?” Your grandma speaks up, “I think I will if you won’t.” She sweetly chuckles. She stands from her place at the table, grabs her tea cup and makes her way to the outside table instead, closing the backyard door behind her.

“Hi dear.” Your grandma nods towards Jungkook as he plays pirates with the boys. He is laughing and pretending to have a hook hand, while the boys giggle and run around. The youngest claims she is the lost princess and that Jungkook has to save her. Grandma watches with joy, loving how well he gets along with the children.

“Hi.” Jungkook says out of breath from playing. He tells the kids to keep playing and that he will return shortly, they beg and whined that he stay but he says if they keep playing he will steal them some of the first cookies. The kids nod their head aggressively in agreement.

“How are you this afternoon?” he takes a seat across from her.

“Why is my granddaughter mad at you?” She smiles at Jungkook and his face drains of all color.

“Um…what do you mean?”

“Anyone with eyes knows you two have been strange all morning and afternoon.” Your grandma brings her tea to her mouth, “Maybe Manny was right, there is trouble in paradise.” She smiles again, “The key is to talk to her. Find out what’s going on.”

Jungkook groans, throwing his head into his hands. He lifts his head up again to speak but decides to just groan again in frustration.

“She won’t give me a chance to speak to her.” He admits. “She’s avoiding me.”

“Make the chance happen.” Grandma advices, “You’re a good kid, Jungkook. Even though you decided to lie to poor old me.”

“Lie?”

“You think I really couldn’t tell that you’re not really dating my granddaughter? I’ve been around too long to get fooled by something like that. But I see your feelings are real. So are hers. So why aren’t you two together?”

Jungkook sits here, absolutely stunned silent. He doesn’t know how to respond! Grandma begins sipping on her tea again when she lowers it to speak.

“Go talk to her honey. I want to see my grandbaby happy.”

“I guess we don’t have to pretend anymore.” Jungkook finally speaks.

“No, no. Keep going, it is quite entertaining, dear.” Your grandma chuckles, “Plus, it keeps Manny on her toes. Best if she thinks you are taken. Once she finds out that you are single…I fear for your life, boy.” Your grandma laughs out loud, making Jungkook join her.

“Fair enough.” He says, “But how do I…how do I get her to talk to me?”

“I’m sure you know her better than I do.” Grandma points out, “You’ll figure out what works best for her.”

And your grandma is right, he does know you best. But what will work? When you have avoided things in the past he has usually been the one to force answers out of you. Now is no different.

All the baking for the day is complete, you sit down at the table in the kitchen and let your head fall to the table top. You moan out in satisfaction that you all are finally done…how unfair that the guys got to just chill all day? Your mom has been cooking with your aunt for Christmas dinner while you and your cousins worked on pies and cookies. And they sat and drank beer. Typical.

“Hey.” You feel Jungkook’s warm breath hit your ear and you look up at him, his face so close to yours as he is leaned down to speak to you.

“Can we talk?”

“Nothing to talk about.” You lay your head back down on the table until you feel your arm being pulled upwards, causing you to stand to your feet.

“Don’t be a brat. Let’s go.” Jungkook pulls you up, and starts pulling you in the direction of the staircase.

“Let go of me.” She say weakly, “I can walk myself.”

Jungkook let’s go of your arm and instead reaches for your hand, he interlocks his fingers with yours and you roll your eyes.

“I said, I can walk myself.”

Jungkook only shakes his head in response, guiding you up the stairs until you two reach the bedroom, you both walk inside as Jungkook closes the door behind you two.

“Now talk.” He softly commands.

“Nothing to talk about?”

“y/n…” he warns and you feel your eyes start to sting.

“We fucked up, Jungkook.” You blink back the stinging in your eyes, shame, guilt, and regret joining you.

“How so?”

“What do you mean ‘How so?’” you ask incredulously. “Do you not remember the events of last night? You have a girlfriend!” you throw your hands in the air, “You are a cheater! I’m the one you cheated with…oh my god…”

Jungkook’s eyes widen at your words and he starts shaking his head. He tries walking closer to you but you only step back until your back meets the wall.

“We fucked up.” You cry out. “I’m so sorry.”

“What are you sorry for?” Jungkook asks softly. You are starting to wonder why this dude is not panicking.

“I made you a cheater.” You cry. Jungkook walks closer to you again until he’s wrapping his arms around your waist.

“You didn’t.” he whispers. “Vanessa and I…we aren’t together right now.”

You sniffle into his shoulder as you process his words…not together right now? What does that even mean?

“She broke up with me.” He begins to explain, “Said she wants to break up until New Year’s but I don’t think we will be getting back together.”

“Why not?” you whisper.

“I…I don’t know.”

“Oh.” You untangle yourself from Jungkook’s arms, “But you aren’t a cheater?”

“No.”

You sigh out in relief, a huge, long, heavy sigh. Thank God. You feel shame, guilt, and regret leave your body making you feel ten times lighter.

“So I have nothing to feel bad for?”

“Absolutely nothing.” Jungkook smiles at you, “Now can we go enjoy Christmas? I cannot wait to give you your present.”

You pull on your hair, feeling nervous suddenly. Is he just going to brush past this too? Are you two not going to bring up last night in more detail? Figure out what it means for you two? Are you two just friends who occasionally hook up? That’s not what you want. What do you want? “Sure.”

~~~~~

“Dinner was delicious, honey.” Your dad says reaching over to cup your moms cheek. “I think I ate way too much this year.”

“Oh sweetheart, you say that every year.” Your mom laughs, “What about everyone else? Eat enough?”

Everyone around the table groans in happiness, nodding their heads yes and complimenting the dinner.

“Well, I suppose we should get on to the presents portion of the evening?” Your mom stands from her chair, “Let’s all go into the living room around the tree.”

Everyone makes their way into the living room, you and Jungkook being the last two to make it inside. You two stand here awkwardly, not entirely too sure where to sit since it is a bit crowded. Your grandma points at you two with a cheeky smile.

“Mistletoe.” She yells out. “Mistletoe!”

You point at yourself in question and then at Jungkook. What mistletoe? Then you see Jungkook looking up and his face turning completely red. Oh.

“We really don’t—”

“Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!” you hear your various family members chanting. Your parents grinning like fools as they chant as well. Your grandma winks at Jungkook and Jungkook goes even redder.

“We don’t have to Jungkook” you whisper. Jungkook clears his throat repeatedly until his face begins going back to his normal color.

“No, it’s tradition right?”

“I mean, I guess.” You shrug, you begin to turn red yourself.

“C’mere.” He reaches for your hand and pulls you in to his chest, then his other hand goes to cup your jaw. “Just one kiss.” He whispers.

You feel all his body heat enter your body, his touch making you so fucking warm. You nod your head pathetically as you tilt your head up. Jungkook smiles down at you and leans in just a bit, his forehead pressing against yours. Your eyes go to his lips, they are pink and his bottom lip is plump. Jungkook leans lower until his mouth is hovering over yours and he very innocently pecks your lips. You wish his kiss had lingered longer but it is short but sweet. He leans away from you, his forehead still pushed up against your own when you surge forward and kiss him again.

You hear the hollering of your cousin Daniel and his wife Larissa, Manny probably pouting. Your aunt and uncle are giggling and your parents laughing but telling you to behave. Your grandma snickers to herself and starts softly clapping her hands together.

“I thought I said just one?” Jungkook teases, his hand lowering to his side but his other hand keeps holding yours.

“I couldn’t help myself.” You admit confidently “Now let’s do presents!” you turn to face everyone else.

“Agreed!” your mom yells out excitedly. “First, we have Manny from Daniel…”

The night continues, everyone exchanging presents. Your parents loved their gifts, your mom thought the necklace was very thoughtful and your dad says he would love to take you to the game with him. You give Jungkook your gift, he yelps in excitement when he unwraps his gift when he sees the boots.

“Thanks baby, I know I haven’t shut up about these shoes for months!” he leans in to hug you. “Now it’s my turn.” He grins.

He searches the tree for the last gift of the night: Jungkook to you. He grabs the box and hands it to you, a shy smile making its way on his lips.

“Here, for you.” He sits back and waits for you to unwrap it. Your parents and the rest of your relatives wait as well.

“Okay, here I go.” You begin unwrapping the box, throwing the gift paper to the side on the floor and are met with a brown box. You raise a brow at Jungkook and he just smiles widely.

“Go on,” he says, “Open it.”

So you do. You carefully open the box and pull out a wooden box—a music box. The top of the music box is glass with a photo of you and Jungkook, your heart absolutely melts into two.

“Open it, open it.” He urges excitedly.

“Okay…”

You lift the top of the music box, revealing its insides. Your absolute favorite song in the world starts playing and you feel the waterworks coming. This song means everything to you. He knows it is your favorite.

“Read what it says…” he mentions shyly. “There’s a message.”

I will always believe in you. I will always support you. And I will always love you.

You read the message to yourself a few times over and you start sniffling, a few tears leaving your eyes. You look up to make eye contact with Jungkook and he smiles. You close the box and slip it back inside the box and set it to the side, you crawl towards Jungkook and hug him. Your arms wrap around his neck and you throw your head into his shoulder, and you start mumbling your thanks.

“Of course baby.” He whispers into your hair, “I mean it.”

“I know you do…” you murmur. “I know.” You sniffle harder. “And I love you more.”

You, yourself aren’t entirely sure how you meant the words ‘I love you’ in this moment. You are so overwhelmed and overjoyed that you aren’t sure if you said it platonically or romantically. All you know is that you meant it.

“That’s impossible.” Jungkook chuckles. You slowly leave his arms, feeling embarrassed now that you’re crying in front of everyone.

“What did it say?” Manny asks, “You didn’t even share!”

“Let’s leave it between the love birds.” Your grandma says.

“Love birds indeed.” Your mom grins, “Well, Santa comes nice and early tomorrow!” she says to the kids.

“Are you sure about leaving them here tonight?” Daniel asks, “Santa can come to the hotel too.”

“Don’t be silly,” your mom says, “I will put them to bed on the sofas. It will be fine.”

“Okay, we will see you all bright and early tomorrow morning then.” Larissa begins packing up their things.

“Heading out already?” Your dad asks, “Well, take some food with you.”

You and Jungkook stay seated on the floor, as the rest begin cleaning up. Your mom picks up all the gift wrapping paper off the floor while your dad puts away gifts and you and Jungkook sit side by side.

“Did you like your gift?” Jungkook inches closer to you.

“I love it, Jungkook.” You lean into his shoulder, resting your head on him. “It makes me so happy.”

“What about me…do I make you happy?”

“So happy.” You admit. “I hope I can make you this happy too.”

“You do.” Jungkook leans his head on top of yours. “Like, you have no idea.” He reaches for your hand and tangles his fingers with yours.

“Do you two want to head to bed? We got the cleaning covered.” Your mom offers. You yawn in response, showing her that you could use some sleep.

“Yeah, okay.” You accept gratefully, you stand up taking Jungkook with you. You two say your goodnight’s and head towards the stairs up to your bedroom.

“Goodnight you two.” Your grandma sings, sending a wink to Jungkook and he goes red again.

“Why does she keep winking at you?” You wonder out loud.

“No idea…” Jungkook is quick to respond. “Weird…”

When you and Jungkook get to your room, you both rush to get changed and wash up in the bathroom. He finishes before you, settling into the bed. You come in next, wearing your sleep shorts and a tank top. You turn the lights off and make your way to your bed, you slip inside and groan in satisfaction…ah, sleep time.

“Hey y/n…”

“Hm?” you sleepily roll over to your side to face Jungkook, “What’s up?”

“I just want to say…” he pauses and bites his lip. “Thanks. I just want to say thanks.”

“For what babe?”

“For bringing me for Christmas…this is the first time I have felt so at home in years.” He admits, “You have no idea what this means to me.”

“I’m glad you’re happy Jungkook.”

“More than happy.” He corrects. “You have no idea what you mean to me.”

“Then tell me.”

“Can I show you instead?” Jungkook leans closer to you, tilting his head at the right angle. “Can I kiss you?”

You can’t help but swallow hard, Jungkook wants to kiss you? To show you what you mean to him? That’s romantic right? You aren’t totally reading this wrong?

“Why?” you ask, gulping down your spit.

“Because.” He breathes out softly, “Please.”

You can smell the toothpaste on his breath, you can smell his laundry detergent on his clothes, you can smell the shampoo in his hair. You inhale him and hold your breath.

“If I say no?” you blink up at him and he smiles softly.

“Then I will respect that.” He answers honestly.

With your eyes still adjusting to the darkness it is hard to see his eyes but you just know they are soft and inviting.

“Jungkook…” You scoot closer to him, moving your head to be at level with his face. “Baby…” you whimper out as you lean in closer to his face.

“Is that a yes?” He asks, his breath hitting your lips. “Because—”

Your lips find his in a slow, tender kiss. You peck his lips over and over and you can feel his lips shaping into a smile. You pull away after a few seconds, feeling breathless after the short kiss.

“Goodnight Jungkook.” You scoot down until your head hits his chest and you snuggle into it.

“Goodnight baby.” Jungkook smiles, laying on his back as he stares up at the dark ceiling. How will he find sleep tonight? His heart is racing in his chest. Are you finally starting to understand his feelings? He knows he hasn’t talked about them yet…but he will. Yes, he definitely will.

[calypsoff]

Sixty Two. Part 3

I laughed out at my mother texting me; she is screaming in my messages that she saw me on the news. Locking my phone still smiling, how life has changed me and fast, I was just a nobody and came out of jail and now I’m front row at the Grammys, sitting next to my pregnant wife that just so happen to be Rihanna, to me that is wild because I am with Rihanna but when I say Robyn I feel better. I am sat on a row with famous people, very famous people but like Jay Z is sat on the row behind us, I would assume that he would have been sat in front but here I am, a normal nigga sat front row “what was you laughing at?” Robyn finally finished gossiping, I thought I would have left her to it and let her finish her little conversation “my mom’s text me screaming about seeing me on TV, saying how proud she is and how beautiful you look. She is doing the most, so I was laughing at that” I’m still in disbelief that I’m sat here “I love Joyce, she is so cute” rolling my eyes as Robyn said that because my mother be doing the most “so when you performing? I am only here for you, team Rihanna?” Robyn poked her lips out and placed her hand in mine “I am performing soon, and then again later in the show, don’t worry it won’t be that boring. You’re here for me” shaking my head “I don’t find it boring; I find it do surreal. Like that I am here with you, I think when I see this and I see the love you get, to see people go crazy over you it comes back to me that you’re not just anyone, to me you’re Robyn you know that but when I am here seeing what I am seeing, you’re so loved. It’s amazing to see the love you get” Robyn cooed out “oh and I saw your ex in the back, look like he got slapped in the face” Robyn would look behind her to check, she is stupid “can’t see being that far back, only losers sit in the back” Robyn is right.

Clapping my hands as Frank Ocean won an award, this is very much draining like seeing the people go up and collect their award and so, and so on. I am just waiting for Robyn to get her ass on stage, feeling a kiss to my cheek and then Robyn wiped my cheek. Looking over at Robyn grinning “I am super proud of you; you have really just supported me and just been there for me. Also put up with me” biting on my bottom lip “having to put up with the both of you” placing my hand on her bump “hey, the baby is the innocent one here. Just me, I have been very much emotional and doing the most and I know that I have and you have put up with me” nodding my head slowly, this photographer and camera crew just came right in front of us “just act normal” Robyn said in a whisper looking at the stage, she said act normal but I ended up looking into the camera licking my lips, is it live or something, but I mean the camera would be facing Frank not me. Everyone started clapping and then so did I, I have no idea what they were saying but the camera left, and the photographer remained “quick picture he said” looking at Robyn “sir, you” looking at him “oh” I smiled awkwardly “I will be going now to get ready to perform, just stay here. Rorrey will be out ok? Rich is here” nodding my head “kill it out there” pressing a kiss to her lips as she got up from the seat, watching Robyn walk off. Her booty has definitely come out and I am not even complaining “you’re my sister husband?” looking down the row seeing Kaye speaking to me “erm yeah” I said smiling “yeah, yeah. You treat my sister good” nodding my head agreeing.

Putting up two fingers at the camera as Rorrey took a picture of us “I really find these award shows boring unless my sister is winning something, they drag. Three hours for what, like what the fuck am I doing with myself. Shall I send this to you, or you just repost?” Rorrey asked “I will repost, and I know. I understand now, I am like wen is this ending but Robyn is coming out soon, like now?” I am sure she is; I think LL Cool J is announcing Robyn on the stage “she seemed nervous to you?” all I do is speak through people’ speech but I be bored “erm no, she was excited. I think she said because it’s her last for a while, she is going to enjoy it and have fun. But people in this place are fake bro, you got to know this shit. They aren’t real, they are just full of shit. It’s all a game, Robyn just keeps herself to herself and it’s the best way you know” Rorrey is right, and I do believe him when he says it “oh I think it’s Robyn’ turn” I pointed out “right now one of the biggest popstars on planet earth, and possibly elsewhere. Please welcome Rihanna” LL Cool J said, my smile grew and the screams from around the place was sharp, clapping my hands as the paino played the intro. Squinting my eyes to see what she is wearing because I don’t see her wearing ref “she is wearing black” I pointed, her bump looks so hidden unless you look from the side “she looks so good” I smiled, I know personally she was nervous about this. That is really my wife on that stage “woo!” I shouted clapping; I am about to make all the noise.

“Not really sure how to feel about it, something in the way you move” I sang along with Robyn, I mean of course I would. That is my wife, and I am her biggest fan “she looks so amazing” I am super proud of her, standing up as soon as her last note finished “yes Robyn!” I clapped my hands loudly as I could, the crowd gradually joined in. A standing ovation and Robyn stood there awkwardly as she put her head down, not knowing where to put her face. She is feeling shy, and I do not blame her. She bowed her head and turned off “where does she go now?” I asked, do I go there to meet her or wait here “she will go backstage to get changed or come back here in just the new outfit” sitting back down, I just want to know that she is ok. That is what means the most to me, sitting back down on the seat “Robyn is invited to the afterparty, but she said she is going to decline but I really want her to go, she was already complaining about being tired” that sounds about right with Robyn, to complain about being tired already. So is Robyn coming back out or not, I am not even sure now, but I got Rorrey here with me.

Robyn and Rorrey changed places, she is back finally “took your time” Robyn is still wearing the black dress, she huffed out “I was so nervous actually, so nervous that I was sick backstage” my eyes widened, she didn’t seem it “really? You was that nervous? You didn’t seem it at all, are you ok?” how could I not notice that, but she looked fine “I have perfected the art of looking just fine Chris so don’t worry about it, I got on with it and I did it, what you think, did I do well?” nodding my head “amazing, a little scratchy here and there” she hit my arm as I laughed out “I am joking, stop it” shaking my head, Robyn and I are so deep in conversation that we didn’t realise that Rakim is on stage, for what exactly I am not sure. That nigga is tiny as hell “how you date a man so short?” I had to say it “because I didn’t wear heels when around him” good answer, I guess “here are the nominees for best contemporary album” he said “oh god, really. I hope I don’t win now” Robyn sat back “what do you mean?” she was going to turn to me but there is a camera right there “is this your category?” she nodded her head, this is messy. I feel like this was done on purpose, frowning at the screen trying not to scowl too much but this is fucked up.

The crowd clapped as the videos ended “lot of good contenders in this category” I will knock his little ass out “and the winner is” clenching my jaw hoping my praying she misses out, I rather she misses out then her go up there to that nigga. I am annoyed as hell “the beautiful Rihanna” I sighed out, it would be her. Looking over at Robyn as I got up and clapped my hands, clapped more in anger then anything “congratulations” I said as Robyn hugged me, I guess she got to put a show on now. Robyn walked off to go to the stage but there is steps she needs to go up, going around the cameraman and going up behind Robyn “let me help you up” I said, holding Robyn’ hand as I walked up the steps with her “thank you baby” not going to lie I am sweating knowing everyone is staring, jogging back down the steps and making my way back to the seat. Looking behind me, Robyn gave him a hug, she hugged him. I hate that nigga, sitting down in a huff “wow, another Grammy” she giggled “thank you, I just want to thank my team. They have been tirelessly working day and night for me, to get this album out I had to move the team in the home, and it was a different feel. I want to thank god for blessing me in so many ways” she pointed at her bump, the crowd cheered “and my husband for putting up with my hard working schedule and the moments where I am away and having to deal with a lot. He made me a mother and a wife all in one and I think this is a good maternity leave present” Robyn laughed “thank you” clapping as she walked off.

Pulling a face seeing Rorrey “you back again?” where the hell is Robyn “she is performing again nigga, you got me. Smile” side eyeing him, it’s a break right now “I was about to go and see some of the OVO niggas” Robyn probably couldn’t be bothered to come back out after the award collecting, making my way towards Drake “you walk so slow, like the break is literally over. So are you coming to the afterparty?” Drake asked “erm no, I don’t think I will be. Why, anything good happening” I mean he did ask “just was asking, so what do you think to you coming to Canada, play some basketball and hang out. Kyrie is coming, we can just hang out? Also I have some gear for you too, pick it up” that sounds so good “your house is dope as hell, I am coming. You know that I will, and if Kyrie is there I am there, I don’t want to break your ankles now. I need some real ass basketball platers” Drake pushed me “shut up, it was one mistake but cool. I will text you the date, better sit back down now” they starting again, I kind of get what Rorrey means by this shit being so long because I am tired as hell, this is for Robyn of course.

Squinting my eyes, there is Bruno and some white man on stage, and I refuse to get up because I just like to see Robyn. Bopping my head and Rorrey laughed out “I noticed it, you always start moving when the camera comes around” I chuckled “you notice, I just need to look happy. These shoes are hurting my feet too, I think Robyn is coming out. Getting up seeing my beautiful wife, she has arrived to make the stage even better. I wolf whistled “she looks amazing” bopping my head smiling, I probably look so whipped, but I don’t care “could you be loved” I sang, this is actually amazing that I have forgotten about my feet hurting. Squinting my eyes, Robyn better calm her ass down dancing like that on stage “she ain’t letting no baby get in the way” Rorrey said, he is right, but she needs to not do that, but she is.

It took me forever to get backstage, like so fucking long. They wouldn’t let me or even Rorrey there until weird enough, Jay Z helped us. He was like I know these two, the security guard was racist, I am just saying that. He knew who we was, he tried to make out we can only be in the crowd like I was a damn fan, I was getting annoyed and then Rorrey was too until Jay just came out of nowhere and said one word, now we here “I was calling you, what happed?” she is calling me but there I was trying to get here “little sis, we was trying too. Security was trying to make out we was fans, Jay had to help us” sitting down next to Robyn “aint there no slides here? My feet hurt” leaning down untying my laces “don’t do that, honestly it makes it worse. Just let’s go home, there is no slides here” I guess she has a point “you had to hug your ex?” I had to say it “it was not a hug, it was more like a awkward one, just a side one. I had too, I gave the other guy a hug, it was nothing. I literally gave you a shoutout so don’t” she has a point, but I dislike that nigga “true but I just want to say, how proud I am of Robyn, she killed it out there and then won an awards, now it’s time for you to relax. Enjoy the pregnancy, it’s your time twin” placing my arm around her “awww thank you poppa” besides that shit I am proud of Robyn.

[dollsonmain]

I don’t usually dream about real people, but I’m going to put a different name because it’s not exactly... words.... like I don’t think this would happen.

Anyway.

I dreamt a person I only know online (how about..... Kaye?) came to visit, and another girl came with her who didn’t have a name that I knew. I think they were dating but didn’t tell anyone because they didn’t want to be bothered about it, but I did occasionally catch them holding hands.

We all drove to this crowded public parking lot, and the other girl jumped the line and parked across 4 spots in the back. I was like “You’re going to get ticketed.” but she didn’t care.

We all hopped out, and Kaye takes off like a bolt toward a wooded area. Everyone goes KAYE, NO!! half-laughing because we knew this would happen. After a bit, Kaye pops out of the woods again, absolutely covered in spiderwebs and bees.

Then we’re walking around town, Kaye and Unnamed occasionally popping in and out of wild areas. Then we got separated because they both moved faster than me and I realized I didn’t have a way to contact them. I ended up having to put subtitles on some live-stream video they were making to get in contact with them, and we finally met up again.

Then Kaye was in her wheelchair and for whatever reason decided that was a great time to drop trou and start plucking at her shaved-but-growing-back pubic hairs, out in public.

Neither Kaye nor Unnamed seemed bothered by this until a man and his young son walked by. Then Kaye looked embarrassed, because she hadn’t meant to expose herself to a child. The boy passed by, then stopped and came back, and said “Family skin is just skin!”. But then a police car pulled up and arrested Kaye for indecent exposure. Kaye and Unnamed are ushered toward the police station which is only 2 buildings away, and I’m trying to gather up all of the medical equipment that’s laying around, having fallen off of the wheelchair. The one I remember most was a portable toilet (like a wide-mouthed jug with an angled neck and a tight lid), which had been used.

Later, Kaye and Unnamed were moved across the street to the hospital, and I was told to go to the waiting room.

To get to the small, run-down waiting room I had to pass a room with 4 people around a table, and on the table were four large bins with MURDERED written roughly across the lids. The people looked really stressed. My initial thought was “those are dismembered corpses they have to ID...” but I think it was really the clothing and things the victims had been wearing/carrying at the time.

Then I get to the waiting room, and it’s tiny and cramped and there’s no airflow. Though there is a door to outside so why did I have to go down that hallway?

One man is in there saying he’s waiting to see his mother, who had covid and I’m like “Well shit. Now we all do, too.”

At that point my IRL body pain started to invade, pulling me out of the dream and making the rest kind of muddy, but I do remember That Guy coming from mowing the lawn (???) and at one point a person that works at the hospital approaching me and saying that Kaye and Unnamed would be released to me, but only after I had done a fertility and blood test.

And I was like “Why????” she goes “Um, well.....” “It’s not like we’re even related, I only just met the two of them today. What does my blood or fertility have to do with them?”

And she was like “Uh.... Well. I’ll need to you to come fill out this paperwork instead, then.”

And again I was like “WHY???”

but woke up without an answer

[kichimiangra]

To celebrate Ratchet and Clank: Rift Apart... I rant about things I would have done differently with the Ratchet and Clank Movie (2016)

Ratchet and Clank fans who saw the movie give it a read and tell me what you think! This isn’t solid or well written, it is seriously just a long rant of “Then they do this! Then That!”

To be fair I am a huuuge Ratchet and Clank fan, I enjoyed the film, I know it's not good, and I'm not quite sure exactly what happened here? I don't know why they tried to do a star wars esque "Save the galaxy; I wanna be a hero!" story when the games would better be described as a "Buddy Road trip".  The relationship between the titular characters is non existent because the film instead decided it was more important to cram about 3 games worth of character development into Quark instead. I like the designs for the Galactic Rangers but other than that I hate them because I am 100% sure I know why they're there and they take even more screen time that should be spent on the titular duo. This is my list of demands if I had been someone who somehow got to demand how this movie got made: -First of all, and I hate myself for saying this... *Don't Hire James Arnold Taylor, David Kaye, and Jim Ward to reprise their roles as Ratchet, Clank, and Qwark respectively.* I love them, but I theorize it's their fault that the galactic rangers are even taking up space in this film. Lookit the movie poster! It list Paul Giamatti, John Goodman, Bella Thorne, and Rosario Daweson, before James and David. Jim Ward isn't mentioned in favor of Sylvestor Stallone. The whole point, (in my opinion) the Rangers were really a thing was to have a few more major characters.  John Goodman plays Grim and Sylvestor Stallone plays Von Ion. These parts are arguably smaller than Qwark or Nefarious... and I would say those two are more prominent that Clank!  But they try to get some names that will put butts in seats because UNFORTUNATELY people are stupid and many WILL go see a movie just because it has an actor they like in it. -Second... throw out the script.  Start over. *Buddy Road trip! * It's not hard.  You can't fit every planet into the film but you can fit enough for a road trip movie!  A few important ones? -Third... *CHARACTER RELATIONSHIPS AND MOTIVATIONS.* I'm gonna be a bit detailed here.  First of all, NO MORE GALACTIC RANGERS PLOT! IT GOES BYE BYE!  And screw Qwark let him go back to being a frgging mid point boss!  This movie is about RATCHET and CLANK!  And you Know what they're gonna do? SOME RATCHETING and some CLANKING! And they are going to GROW AND DEVELOP TOGETHER! ---So this:  Clank gets made, gets the info on Dreks deathstar plans (But maybe we don't know that yet? Maybe we can play it Vague? Maybe we don't have Clanks whole origin story yet? That's for later...) and escapes to Veldin.  This is where he meets Ratchet.  Ratchet is building a ship to try and leave Veldin because it's a bupkiss nowhere desert planet!  Where's he going? GLAD YOU ASKED!!! He wants to go to the Blackwater City hover board tournament on planet Rilgar in which the trophy is being handed out by his celebrity hero: Captain Qwark. Why? We don't know this just yet but Ratchet is a Lombax abandoned on Veldin.  He's never even seen another Lombax, there's not a lot of them in Solana. He didn't grow up alone, but longs to find his lost family.  He thinks maybe... if he wins that Tournament, which will be Broadcasted around the galaxy and get a sponsorship with Gadgetron, being the face of the Hoverboard branch of the company for like 2 years (LEIK IN DA GAYM!) , his family will see it and they can be reunited. (hahaha no...)  Too bad Ratchet can't get his ship working without a robotic ignition (LEIK IN DA GAYM!) Clank crash lands and befriends Ratchet. Clank needs a Hero (HE'S HOLDING OUT FOR A HERO TILL THE END OF THE NIGHT!) to stop Drek and Ratchet knows just the guy!  His idol Qwark! Who he is also going to meet! At the Hoverboard tourney! So they agree to go together, Clank being able to turn the ship on and Ratchet able to pilot it.  They hop planet to planet for the first act because crap isn't going to hit the fan until they meet Qwark. So buddy road trip for a bit they help people along the way!  For example Ratchet only starts with the Wrench, but when they crash land on Novalis they meet up with Cora, who is the Presidents body guard and help her save the president (LEIK IN DA GAYMS!) and is rewarded by meeting the Plumber who fixes their crashed ship. Plumber is grateful that the Prez is safe (Maybe they related?) and gifts Ratchet the Weapon ring claiming he used to work for Gadgettron inventing all sorts of doodads, but they wouldn't put some on the market so gifts them to Ratchet, warning that the Attack ring is a little glitchy so you might not get what you want from it? So basically season 1 Ben 10's Omnitrix. Just for fun. They hop to another few places with the major take away being Clank being all like "Ratchet I am super logical and freshly baby and the galaxy is more important than the Local stuff so we gotta hurry to find Qwark!" but Ratchet is like "Sorry Clank my OCD won't allow it and we got time to kill before the tournament!"  The main point of this is Clank learning feels and empathy quickly from Ratchet and also gets to see Ratchet being a hero even if SpaceRat won't admit it.  They eventually end up on Rilgar and Ratchet enters the tourney with his home made garbage hoverboard because we are skipping the whole Skid McMarxx thing for time sake.  So Ratchet enters the hoverboard tourney, we get a cool music montage, it looks like he's gonna win! He's in first! BAM! His hoverboard craps out on him and leaves him tumbling to the pavement.  Someone passes him, he desperately tries to pull himself up, he tries to run to the finishline, more people pass him, he's in last place, he stops running. He's given up.  He screwed it up for both of them.  Now Clank won't meet and give his message to Qwark, and Ratchet won't get the sponsorship from Gadgetron that could get his face out there for his family to find him. Clank tries to cheer him up, but can only do so much.  Ratchet feels useless and defective and maybe that's why his family abandoned him? Maybe it wasn't an accident, maybe he just sucked?  But Clank knows a thing or two about being defective... so he tries to comfort Ratchet, but is interrupted when someone from the tourney approaches them and says that Captain Qwark was super impressed by Ratchets boarding skills and decided he wants to meet them. Things are looking up for the duo, but like.. you and I know Drekk told Qwark to keep an eye out fro a Lombax that's been ruining his plans and if he get's his hands on him, kill him and take Clank (LEIK STARWARS... Wait...?).  Qwark blows up Ratchets ass this whole being a hero thing so Ratchet can be known throughout the galaxy and Ratchets like "BALLER!  YEAH!  Sign me up!" and then he betrays them, I'm foggy on this part I ain't a screen writer! BUT ANYWAY Qwark can't just be blowing up his potential fans... that looks bad, so he plays along the whole "Oh yes I am Hero Qwark What is it you need from me?"  Clank then reveals his origin story of being a warbot in Drekks factory and what Drekks plans are.  This is confirmation enough and Qwark betrays the duo rips something out of Clank, leaving him robot-unconscious.  Ratchet defends Clank from Qwarks betrayal, Is it the Blargian Snagglebeast? I don't know who cares? And when he's done uses a leftover part from his broken hoverboard to fix Clank.  They have a minor Buddy fight.  Not a long one.  We don't have time for a long one we're getting close to the end here! Maybe Ratchets mad that Clank is one of Drekks warbots? Was this a trap? Clank then goes further into his backstory explaining he's a defect.  He had one purpose: to find someone to stop Drekk and give him that thingy. But Qwark made off with it. Maybe it was a virus to kill switch the deplanetizer? Who cares it was for Obiwan Kenobi and Qwark stole it. Now Clank has no purpose.  Ratchet though tells Clank that people aren't made with purposes, they find purposes and make purposes and Clank almost feels better about that level of freedom. Ratchet and Clank bond over being full of suck and how there are no real heroes out there to stop Drekk and Clank suddenly realizes that all of the traits that make a hero are right there in Ratchet!  All this movie he's watched Ratchet do hero shit and help others even if it's in a "Goddammit we're gonna miss the tournament but I have to save the orphans goddammit!" way.  They both decide that they need to be the heroes they want to see and agree to go stop Drekk themselves.They go after Drekk and have a final confrontation with Qwark and Clank retrieves his Macguffin. Then they go stop Drekk.  Clank has learned empathy and humanity, and Ratchet has got a found family in Clank.

[flowerfan2]

Eight Days A Week

McDanno, T, A03, 2800 words.

Summary:  Danny can only take off so much time from Five-0 before HR notices… or someone gets accused of payroll fraud. 

This is a cracky team fic prompted by a conversation with mvernet on A03 about the consequences of Danny’s numerous absences.  It is unrelated to my season 10 coda series, Affinity (it’s way too silly).

******

“Anyone seen Steve?” Tani looks around as she walks over to join Junior and Lou at the computer table. “Seems like he’d appreciate this kind of thing.”

Junior has set the table to show the previous day’s football game.  It’s a slow day.

“Didn’t he go with Adam to get lunch?”  Junior asks, not taking his eyes off the screen.

“Nope.”  Adam comes into the room and sets two large take-out bags on the computer table.  Lou makes a face as his view of a long field goal is blocked, but his smile returns when he opens the first bag.

“You got the good sandwiches,” Lou croons.  “I should never have doubted you.”

“You doubted him?” Tani asks, diving into the second bag. “On what basis?  Danny says Adam never fails when it comes to sandwiches. Hey, I wanted pastrami, did you get me pastrami?”

“Yes, Tani, I did. And two turkey specials for Steve and Junior.”  Adam pulls several large paper wrapped bundles out.  “So where is Steve, anyway?”

“He must still be at the governor’s,” Lou says.  

“Wasn’t that meeting at eight?”  Junior asks.

“Who knows, a budget review sounds super interesting, maybe he’s making the most of it.”  Tani unwraps her sandwich and takes a big bite. “Junes,” she says, her mouth full. “Can I have your pickle?”

Lou hands Tani a napkin as the pickle makes its way over the table.  “There’s a new governor in town, maybe she has some plans she wanted to discuss with Steve.”

“Maybe she just wanted to take him out to lunch.”  Tani grins at the team, and they all nod in agreement.  Clearly the new governor has fallen prey to Steve’s charm.  They’re probably at some expensive beachside restaurant with right now, Steve regaling the governor with stories of Five-0’s adventures.

*****

The team is wrong.

 Steve is not dining out with the governor.  He did sweet talk his way through his eight a.m. meeting with her, after which he called Jerry in a panic.

 “Hey, man, I know you’re not a full time member of the team anymore, but I could really use your help.”

 “I mean, I’m not a member of the team at all, Steve, but come on over.”

 Steve hangs up and starts driving.  Jerry can do anything with computers.  He’ll help him figure this out.

 When he gets to Jerry’s place, they hunker down in a basement eerily reminiscent of the one Jerry lived in when they first met.  Jerry just shrugs.  “If it ain’t broke… so, what can I help you with?”

 Three hours go by before Jerry finally convinces Steve that they have to go to the palace.

 “Are you sure you can’t just hack into Five-0’s computers?”

 “Are you sure you told me to make them completely hack-proof?”

 Steve sighs.  “Fine, let’s go.”

 *****

 “Did we just get served?” Adam asks.  Tani is standing in the middle of the room holding a white envelope as a man in a trench coat and board shorts hightails it out into the hallway.

 “We did.”

 “What’s going on?” Junior asks, trying to tug the envelope out of Tani’s hands.  She doesn’t let him, just spins around and opens it up herself.

 “Huh.”

 “What does ‘huh’ mean, exactly?”  Lou asks.  

 “I’m not completely sure, but it looks like we’re being asked to give testimony.”

 “What?”  Lou exclaims.  “Why?”

 Tani frowns. “Apparently Steve is being charged with payroll fraud.”

 Before anyone can comment on this, Lou’s phone rings and he picks it up.  “It’s McGarrett,” he stage whispers to the team.  “Steve, care to fill us in?”  Lou puts his phone on speaker so everyone can hear.

 “It’s a long story,” Steve says.  “But Jerry says he needs us to pull our time records, and that should clear it up.”

 Tani chuckles.  “Oh, Jerry, he’s such a comedian.”

 There’s silence, and then the sound of Jerry whispering something to Steve.

 “No, he’s serious. Just pull the time records and we’ll discuss it when we get there.  Should just be a few minutes.”  Steve hangs up.

 Adam looks around the group. “Do any of you keep time records?”

 “Um, no,” Tani says. The others shake their heads.

 “Maybe HR kept them?”

 “Who’s HR?”

 “I filled out some paperwork when Steve finally hired me,” Junior says.  “Some tax stuff.”

 “And you gave it to…?”

 Junior squeezes his eyes shut and concentrates.  “Danny. I gave it to Danny.”

 “I gave Danny my paperwork too,” Tani says, and Adam nods.  “Me too.”

 “Ok, so if Danny was serving as our informal HR dude, we just have to ask him where the rest of the records are.”

 Junior jogs over to Danny’s office, sticks his head in, and comes back to the table.  “Danny’s not here.”

 “Well of course he’s not here, you doofus.  If he was here, he would’ve come out for the sandwiches.”  Tani pulls out her phone and dials Danny’s number.  It goes to voicemail.  She hangs up without leaving a message.  “I’m sure Steve talked to him already.”

 “Talked to who?” Steve walks into the office, Jerry on his heels (but not literally, ‘cause that would be rude).

 “Danny,” Adam says. “To get our time records.”

 Steve looks pained. “Danny doesn’t have your time records.” He lets out a deep breath.  “Okay, we can figure this out.  Where is Danny today, anyway?”

 “He’s not here,” Junior says.

 “I know he’s not here, obviously he’s not here,” Steve says.  “Where is he?”

 “You don’t know?” Tani asks.

 “Probably on the mainland, or with Grace,” Lou says.

 “Or Charlie,” Adam adds, “don’t forget Charlie.”

 “Charlie,” Lou says fondly. “That sweet little boy.  Of course, of course, Danny’s probably with Charlie.  Maybe at a little league game.  I remember when my son used to play little league.”

 “Wait, how can you actually not know where Danny is?”  Tani asks Steve.

 “Danny takes time off when he needs to.  I don’t keep track or anything.”

 “And that, my friends, is your problem,” Jerry says.

 Tani snaps her head around – she had forgotten Jerry was there.  “What do you mean?”

 Jerry steps forward, apparently enjoying being the center of attention.  “Steve is being charged with payroll fraud.  The allegations include keeping certain individuals on the payroll who no longer work for Five-0, or paying people a full-time salary when they don’t actually work full time.  Danny’s at the top of the list.”

 “But all we have to do is show that everyone on the payroll is actually on the team, and we’ll be fine. Right, Jerry?”  

 Tani can’t help but notice that the hopeful tone in Steve’s voice does not match up with the skeptical look on Jerry’s face.

 Jerry starts tapping away on the computer table.  “Well, let’s see what we can do.  The D.A.’s office gave Steve a list of purported team members, we just need to make sure their list matches up with ours.”  Jerry stops tapping for a minute to pull a piece of paper out of his pocket and hand it to Tani.  “Read those to me, and we’ll take ‘em one by one.”

 Tani unfolds the paper. “Ok…”  She scans it quickly.  She doesn’t recognize most of the names.  “Who is Lori Weston?  It says she’s a DHS agent.”

 “No, she was on Five-0. Excellent profiler.  A great asset,” Steve says.

 “But not on the team anymore,” Jerry prompts.

 “Well, no.”

 “How about Jenna Kaye?”

 “Deceased,” Steve says flatly.

 “Right, so, no longer on the team,” Jerry murmurs, making a note.

 “Catherine Rollins?” Tani asks, with a smirk.  “Seems I’ve heard some things about her.  Was she ever Five-0?”

 “Uh, well,” Steve shrugs. “Not officially, I guess.”

 “Sang Min?  Gerald Hirsch?  Odell – was he the barber?  Come on, they’re not Five-0,” Tani says.  

 Steve hangs his head and doesn’t answer.

 “Odell, I remember him, Lou says.  “He’s a good guy.  We should get together for a beer with him sometime.  But Steve,” Lou steps closer, practically in Steve’s face, “you aren’t paying him a salary, are you?  Because that would be…”

 “Hard to explain,” Adam says.  “Although I know some pretty clever accountants-”

 “Hold up, hold up right now with your clever accountants,” Tani says.  “Because next on the list is Kono, and I know you didn’t know anything about this, did you, Adam?”

 Adam throws up his hands, eyes wide.  “No, I did not.  Steve, what the hell?”  Adam grabs the list out of Tani’s hands.  “Chin is on here too.”

 The whole team is glaring at Steve now.  

 “Maybe it’s some kind of pension?”  Jerry suggests.  “Something the state came up with, to thank them for their service?”

 “Don’t you need to work for like twenty years for that?”  Tani asks.

 “Don’t worry, I’m gonna take care of this,” Steve says.  

 “I hope so,” Tani says, taking the list back from Adam.  “Because Danny really is at the top of the list.”

 Steve bites his lip.  “There’s a perfectly good explanation.”

 They all wait to hear it. And then Steve turns and runs out the door.

 *****

 The next few days are tense. Steve is making charts on a whiteboard that has appeared in his office, but he won’t let anyone in to get a good look at it.  Jerry sucks the data out of all the team members’ phones to find support for their full time status.  The rest of the team members are given strict instructions not to worry about it.  It’s still distracting, but luckily their cases aren’t very interesting this week.

 On the third morning, Tani shows up to find Junior, Adam and Lou looking glum.

 “Duke was waiting for Steve,” Lou says.  “He arrested him.”

 Tani feels her mouth drop open.  “That’s a joke, right?”

 “Yeah, it is.”

 She whirls around to see Danny coming out of his office, a shit-eating grin on his face and a box of malasadas in his hands.

 “Williams, what the hell is going on?” Lou demands.

 “And really, Danny, where have you been?”  Adam asks.

 “And please, don’t say uh… Grace… uh… mainland…” Tani grumbles.

 Danny strides towards them, the picture of smug confidence.  “It’s kind of a complicated story,” he begins, putting the bakery box down on the computer table.

 “Since when is anything you and Steve get up to not complicated,” Lou asks, pulling out a li hing powder malasada.

 “Patience, people. It’ll all make sense soon,” Danny says. “I’ve been on an ongoing long-term undercover op.  Investigating some fraud cases, white collar crime stuff that the department wanted to clean up.  And I got to be close with some of the guys in HPD’s accounting division.  One thing led to another, see, and so after Steve started getting on my case about how the work I was doing was cutting into our time together, which was totally not my fault, by the way, I decided to mess around with him a little.”

 Lou looks baffled.  “Back up there just a minute.  How long, exactly, have you been undercover?”

 “About two years.  But it’s not consistent, sometimes they need me for a few days or a week, then I’m off and back with you guys for a month.”

 “You’re kidding, right?” Adam asks.

 “I still think it’s a joke,” Tani says.

 “It is, but not the undercover op part,” Danny carefully takes a malasada out of the box and takes a bite, without getting any sugar on his shirt.  “I actually got the idea from Steve ages ago.  There was a month when I was so busy with a fraud case that I was hardly at Five-0, and then we got a night off.  We had both had too much to drink, and we were kinda too wasted to, uh, go through with our plans for the evening.  Steve was annoyed.  He said he wished we could take a vacation so I could make it up to him, except that now I couldn’t, because I’d used all my vacation days.  He even threatened to write me up for poor attendance.”

 Danny actually looks fond as he tells this story.  Tani is beginning to think there is more to his partnership with Steve than just chasing perps and grilling on weekends.

 “So you came up with this whole thing just to pull his chain?”  Tani asks.  “Isn’t it kind of elaborate?”

 Danny grins.  “Gotta keep a relationship fresh, right?  But honestly, I think I’m actually a little insulted that none of you caught on to my undercover gig.  Where did you guys think I was all those times?”

 The team mumbles out their answers.  “Grace…” “Mainland…” “Charlie?”

 Danny doesn’t look impressed. “Steve was right about one thing - nobody keeps track of our days off, and the governor really does give us enough rope to hang ourselves with. That’s how I knew he’d fall for this.”

 “So, Kono isn’t really still on the payroll?”  Adam asks. “Or Chin, or Catherine?”

 “Of course not!  Even if our paperwork were that sloppy, do you think any of them would accept pay for a job they weren’t doing?”  Danny shakes his head.  “I’ll tell you another secret – gullible isn’t in the dictionary.”

 “Okay, enough with the dad jokes,” Tani says.  “You know Steve is going to kill you for this, right?  Like, actually kill you?”

 Junior perks up, as if he is going to volunteer to stand between them in a gunfight, and Tani puts a calming hand on his shoulder.

 “Nah, he’ll be okay.” Danny glanced at his watch.  “But I’ve got to go.  Duke’s driving Steve out to the house I rented for the weekend, and I want to be there first to surprise him.  It’s a great place on the north shore, right on the beach, killer surf.  It’s got a hot tub, too, and plenty of privacy.” Danny’s grin edges into a leer. “By the time we come back to the office next week, all will be forgiven, you’ll see.”

 Danny shoots them one last smirk and the team watches silently as he strides out of the office, a swing in his step.

 “Well,” Tani says, taking a moment to absorb the fact that she apparently isn’t the only team member who appreciates how nice Danny’s ass looks in his fitted slacks, “I think Danny just let us in on another secret. And it’s way more interesting than payroll fraud.”

 Any further discussion is put on hold when Lou gets a call about a witness they’ve been looking for, and he and Adam head out to question him.  Junior and Tani pull up the suspect’s information on the screen, and start looking into his credit card and bank account history.

 But Tani can’t quite focus on the job just yet.

 “Junes, if Danny was implying what I think he was implying… how could you not know?”

 Junior shrugs.  

 “Come on, you live with Steve.  Are you that oblivious?”

 Junior turns to her. “Who said I was oblivious?  Maybe I’m just respecting my boss’s privacy.” He pauses for a moment, to see if Tani is buying it.  “Or, you know, maybe I just wasn’t sure.  It’s not as if they’ve ever done anything in front of me.”

 “Down the hall, maybe?” Tani asks.

 Junior frowns.  “I don’t eavesdrop.”

 “And tell me this – if they’re together, why was Danny trying to set Steve up with someone else?”

 Junior ducks his head, and Tani slides over to his side of the table and forces him to meet her gaze.

 “Junior?  Out with it.”

 Junior sighs.  “It’s really none of my business.  But I think… I think they may be into threesomes.”

 “What?”  Tani bounces a little bit and grabs Junior’s arm. “Spill.  Right now.”

 “It’s nothing, I mean, Danny’s around the house all the time, you know?  I never thought much of it, the two of them are close, it’s just how they are.  But one night Steve was hustling around, straightening up, making a salad or something, waiting for Danny to come over.  I was getting ready to go to my dad’s.  And Steve sees me pulling on my jacket and turns to me and says ‘you could join us if you want.’”

 “You could join us? That’s it?”

 “And then Danny walks in, and he makes a beeline for Steve, but then he notices me standing there and kind of gives me a once over, like really kind of sexy, then glances back at Steve.  Steve shakes his head a little and says ‘Junior’s going out.’ They both said goodbye, and I left.”

 “That’s it?  That’s your evidence?”

 “That and Danny trying to set Steve up.  Yeah, that’s it.”  Junior pulls his phone out; he’s clearly done with speculating about his boss.  “I’m going to make some calls, see if we can confirm that our witness was in town last week.”

 Junior might be done with the topic, but Tani still can’t let it go.  She goes into her office and sends a quick text to Danny.  

 Let me know if you need some help calming Steve down.  I bet your hot tub’s big enough for three.

[klymilark]

Sore: Chapter 1

CW: Swearing

Word Count: 2007

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

“Shit, that was a long drive” Kaye says, as she closes the door to the box truck she rented.  Her waist length reddish-brown hair is braided off to the side.  

“Yeah.  I remember when I made it a few years back.  15 hours, if memory serves?” Don replies.  It looks like he’s finally shaved his head.  He’s been balding since he was 20, well before Kaye met him, but she’s seen the pictures.  He looked almost like he could’ve been a teacher in his graduation photo.

“19.  I spent 19 hours behind the wheel of that thing.  Only stopped to sleep.  Why is this country so big, anyway?” Kaye responded, standing up straight after cracking what feels like every joint in her body, her chin coming up to the bottom of the window of the truck.

“Eminent domain.  Wait, only to sle-” Don starts

“Yep.  Only to sleep. Packed enough food for the trip, so I didn’t need to stop for that.”  Kaye says, cutting him off.

“But what did you do about the ba-”  Don starts, once again.  Kaye really hasn’t changed much since they last spoke in person.

“Drank it.  Wanna stop in for some coffee?”  Kaye asks.

She really hasn’t changed.  Don can never tell if she’s joking, and sometimes he just doesn’t want to know.  This is definitely one of those times.

They walk into the coffee shop, and Kaye orders a breakfast sandwich with tea.  Don’s already eaten, since he kind of forgot until Kaye texted him 30 minutes ago, so he just gets coffee.  They sit down, and Kaye groans in pleasure from sitting down in a decent chair for the first time in what feels like years.  Kaye stuffs the sandwich into her face, downs the tea, then gets a refill.  She’s been living off of bologna sandwiches, soda, energy drinks, and a single sports drink for the past two days. A hot meal was much appreciated, given the circumstances.

“So,” Don asks, “how was the trip?”

“Well, I finally caught up on the podcasts I’ve been putting off listening to for far too long.  Besides that, I stared at asphalt for 19 hours.  I’m kind of bored.” Kaye responds, like Don should have already known.

Don chuckles, “I see you still haven’t learned that people mostly want to hear ‘Good’ in response to that question.”

“No, I have.  I always have.  I’ve just never cared.”  She says, putting emphasis on the word cared.

“Right.  I forgot that social norms have never been your thing” Don responds with a smile.

“I mean, given my life, why would they be?” She responds

They spend another hour or so catching up.  She asks how he and his wife are doing, and everything’s fine on his front.  A couple of waves here and there, especially since the move.  They miss their families, and it’s kind of a strain, but it’s nothing they can’t work through.  The usual thing for a couple that’s getting into their thirties.  He’s made new friends, got a promotion at work, and has his own life now.  Kaye says she’s happy for him, and they go over to his place so she can crash for the night.

This is the first time Kaye’s seen his place in person.  It’s a rather duplex in a decent part of town.  Very much a red brick home in the middle of town that the right type of person would say is to die for.  Kaye’s not that right type of person, but she can definitely appreciate the look of it.  Don walks in while Kaye is grabbing her overnight bag.

Kaye walks in, and is assaulted by family pictures on the wall.  Definitely a traditional family home; all white walls, popcorn ceilings, a computer off to the right hand side next to the dining room, but still in the living room.  She plops her bag down on the gray sofa up against the front picture window, and waltzes into the kitchen where Don is chatting with his wife.

“Kaye. Carmela. Barker! How have you been?!”  Amie says immediately after noticing her high school buddy at her front door.

“Amie.  Cornelia. Simmons.  I’ve been great!” Kaye responds, very sarcastically. Amie’s been one of her better supporters during the past year or so.  It’s been abysmal, but Kaye’s been able to keep her head up, largely thanks to this lady right here.

“Wow, it’s been so long since I’ve seen you.  The years have definitely done you well.” Amie says, commenting on the appearance she knows Kaye is rather sensitive towards.  It’s very much appreciated.

“Thanks!  I really like your style now.  Makes me feel bad that I’m just standing here in my sweats, and a worn out t-shirt.”  Kaye responds with a chuckle.

“Oh, sure, now your social instincts kick in.  Now that my wife is in the room.  Why can’t you be that way wi-” Don starts

“Because fuck you is why.” Kaye responds. Amie can barely contain a laugh at the sudden shift in tone.

“Ouch.  That stung.” Don responds with a very overly dramatic hurt tone to his voice.

“You’ll live.  You’re a strong independent man, don’t need no woman, after all”

“Gee, thanks.  Guess I’ll just leave, then,” Amie says.

“Suppose that makes two of us,” Kaye responds.

“Shall we?” Amie says as she motions to the door.

“Let’s.” Kaye says, and they both head towards the door.

“Hey!  No fair!” Don says from the couch.

Amie turns around, and smiles slyly.  As she walks to the couch, a look of concern and excitement comes onto Don’s face.  She straddles him, her legs either side of his, and puts her hands on the side of his neck.  As she does, she leans in, and kisses him directly on the lips, the left cheek, then the right.  She then clamps her teeth down onto the right side of his neck.

“We’ll finish this later,” she whispers, just loud enough for Kaye to catch what she says, “Kaye and I have some catching up to do, and we’d like some privacy.”

“Okay, sweetheart.  Take your time,” he says, then snaps his teeth.

Amie giggles, and climbs off of the couch.  They walk to the master bedroom, Don sitting on the couch.

“Things never really change, do they,” Kaye asks with a smile, plopping down onto the bed.

“Not really.  Now, tell me, how much do you have in terms of clothes?” Amie asks.

“Well, I have a few hoodies, some pants, an-” Kaye starts.

“You know full well what I meant.” Amie finishes.

“Oh.  Right.  That.” Kaye says, realizing that this was going to be a less than comfortable conversation, “I have a couple of night shirts, and some underwear.  That’s about all I could keep usefully.  I didn’t see much use in buying ultra-femme clothing I wouldn’t be able to wear.”

“I’m sorry to hear, but we’re going to fix that.” Amie says, smiling like a kid in a candy store, “What style did you want to go for?”

“I was thinking more butc-” Kaye starts.

“No.  What style do you want to go for?” Amie interjects, correcting a misunderstanding.

Kaye sits on the bed, staring into the full-length mirror that Amie has set up in her room. She turns on the bed to look at herself directly.  She imagines herself in a black mid-calf dress with ruffles on the sleeves.  No, that’s not quite it.  She imagines herself full butch, and while the thought is appealing, it’s only so because of comfort.  She racks her brain trying to think of how she wants to look.

“I don’t know!” She says, rather loudly, as she bursts into tears.

Crying has never been her strong suit, and speaking while doing it was even less so.  Amie sits on the bed next to Kaye, lays down, and pulls her down.  They lay there like that for a while, just like they did when they were in high school.  Amie just sort of had an instinct on calming her down, and Kaye definitely appreciated that.  After ten, fifteen, maybe thirty minutes, Amie speaks up.

“Are you alright now?” She asks, a slight concern in her voice.

“I think so,” Kaye responds, still slightly sniffling.

“Good.  I know this is a sensitive time for you, but let’s get you in some clothes that fit.” Amie says.

“Thank you,” Kaye says as she sits up.

“That’s what I’m here for” She responds, standing to grab a dress.

It’s a black dress with orange flowers printed everywhere on it.  The dress has been fashioned out of 8 pieces of fabric, and is rather stretchy.  The skirt looks like it would stop just past Kaye’s finger tips when she stood upright.  She marveled at it; she hadn’t been able to try something on that looked so right in a long time.

“Do you have a bra on you?” Amie asks.

“Yeah.  It’s in my bag.”  She responds, reaching for the bag.

Kaye unzips her overnight bag, which had a few essentials in it.  Toothbrush, hair brush, comb, and the bra that Amie said to bring in when she came over for the night.  She pulls it out, and it’s a rather basic thing; underwire, lace wings on the back, slightly padded cups, and it fit about as well as she wanted to shop for, given the anxiety.

“Good.  Now, put the dress on.” Amie says.

“Okay.” Kaye responds nervously.

Kaye takes her shirt off, and puts her bra on.  Amie’s seen a lot of her, so it’s nothing she hasn’t seen before.  Kaye then removes her sweatpants, revealing legs which look like they’ve never been shaved.  At least her leg hair is light.  Kaye sits there, staring at the dress.  Her brain is screaming at her to put it on, that she’ll be happier, but her body is doing nothing but disagreeing.  Now that what she wants is well within her grasp, she can’t even move her arms.

“Come on, Kaye.  It’s not the first time you’ve done this.  Remember when we were kids?” Amie says, patiently.

“Yeah, I do, but it’s been a while.  I haven’t worn a dress since well before you moved here.” Kaye responds.

“I know, and I’m sorry that I couldn’t be there for you like I used to these past few years.  But, now that you’re here, I can be here for you just like I was before.” Amie says, smiling.

Kaye chuckles, “Thank you.  Everything you’ve done is very much appreciated.” Kaye says, smiling back.

“Now, would it help if I put the dress on for you, or do you want to do it yourself?” Amie asks.

“I’ll do it myself, it’ll just take me a minute.” Kaye responds, while moving to sit on the bed.

“Alright.” Amie says, sitting beside her.

Kaye grabs the dress, and pulls it to her lap.  As she feels the material, she realizes she likes it.  It’s a very soft, knit material.  She picks it up, opens the bottom, and puts it on.  She adjusts the front seam so it’s straight down the front, and as she looks down, it feels odd.  Odd in the good way, though; a feeling of joy she hasn’t felt in years sinks in.  She stands up, and twists around so Amie can see.

“You’re so pretty!” Amie says, standing up, and holding her arms out for a hug.

Kaye, barely being able to stand at this point, just collapses in her arms.  Amie leaned back onto the bed, where they laid for a few minutes.

“Let’s go in the living room.” Amie says

“If you insist” Kaye responds.

They walk into the living room, and Don comments on the dress.  Kaye gives a simple thanks before collapsing on the couch, more exhausted than she’s ever been.  Amie joins, sitting between Don and Kaye.  After a short time of watching TV, and cuddling, Kaye passes out, and the other two head for the room to call it a night.

Chapter 2

Search sbbl on my blog to find the rest of the chapters, as well!

[purplesurveys]

662

What is the wallpaper on your computer screen? Why did you choose it? It’s one of the default Mac wallpapers, but I picked the shot with a pinkish hue, because pink. The default ones are already pretty enough, so I don’t feel the need to scour the web for the perfect wallpaper image. Is there a pattern on the pants you’re currently wearing? Which one? I’m currently wearing a romper. It’s just plain sky blue. Do you like going to baby showers? Do you go only for the cake? As an Asian, I can tell you baby showers are hugely a first-world thing. I think the more hip, Western-influenced, and upper-middle millennials and Gen Z Asian crowd can have the means to do them, but it’s like 90% not a thing here. In a region where there’s poverty in front of you, only the rich can pull them off; and for most of us, the biggest concern is that the baby remains healthy. Who is the person you text the most in your life? What relation are you? Gabie, probs. Girlfriend. Angela, my best friend, comes a close second. Mexican food, Chinese food, Italian food, French food or American food? Chinese > Mexican > Italian > American > French. I think I only like French cuisine for their pastries and escargot, but that’s about it.

Has there ever been a time in your life, you felt sexually undecided? Yeah. I still get confused about it from time to time, so eventually I just slapped the term demisexual on me and by far it’s been the most fitting for me. Does your mother annoy you when the holidays come along in the year? No? If anything I get worried a lot more because she comes home a lot late, and it always turns out to be because she spends the entire evening gift-shopping for family, friends, and co-workers hahahaha. What is the color scheme of your absolute favorite fast-food restaurant? I don’t really have a favorite fast food place anymore... if it counts, maybe Yellow Cab? They have a yellow and black color scheme, like the literal yellow cabs of New York. Do you think tattoos and piercings are sexy on the opposite sex? I don’t mind them; I don’t think of them in terms of being ~sexy lmao. Do people ever ask you to do things they’re too short to accomplish? Nah I’m usually the short one who needs people to reach stuff for me. Do your siblings bring people around that your parents don’t approve of? Mmm nope, not really. My mom loves my sister’s boyfriend, and as far as I know my brother doesn’t bring anybody home. Is there carpet or hardwood floor in your bedroom? Hardwood. I don’t know if there’s any Filipino home that has carpet floors. Do you check the texture of things first or the smell of them? As much as I hate this habit of mine, I tend to want to know the smell of everything. I only check the texture if I think it’s going to be satisfying, like if it’s anything like slime or sand. Have you ever broken the arm or head off of a trophy? How did you do this? Nope. I don’t think I’ve already even held a trophy before. Do you believe in superstitious things such as breaking a mirror? I only follow one superstition that has something to do with my school, but that’s it. I don’t obsess over it and I know it’s fake, but ‘following’ what the superstition says hasn’t gotten me in trouble in my last four years in university, so I just continue following it HAHA. Do you get sick of people who call themselves bipolar all the time? I do hate it but fortunately a lot of people are now more sensitive when it comes to mental health and mental health issues. I don’t hear this word thrown as much as it was in like 2011 anymore. Ever have an ultra-sound performed on you? What was it for? Nah, no reason to. I’ve only had X-rays of my spine taken. Do you like those ‘end of the world,’ ‘Armageddon’ movies? Never did. I was never into the whole apocalypse/disaster/wartime genres. What color are the headphones you have at this moment in time? I don’t have headphones. And I also don’t have earphones anymore :( I want a new pair soooo baaaaadddd. Ever been choked severely on something during lunch at your school? I’ve never choked on solids, but I’ve choked on water several times, when the droplets get stuck in your throat and your lungs get all confused and you’re left gasping for air but you just choke some more because the water in your throat blocks any air from coming in, so you end up coughing to near death. The last time this happened was during a lunch break in my INTERNSHIP, and it was so embarrassing because I couldn’t tell them what was happening, I was just coughing frantically and slowly turning red lol.

Do you remember who you sat next to in Kindergarten? Who was it? Yeah, the girl in front of me in the class list was I think Kaira, and the one after me was Kaye. I was friends with Kaira throughout high school and we still are today, but back in kinder she used to be my bully. But during recess, I usually sat beside a girl named Raegan, who was one of my good friends for a while. Has anyone ever compared you to an animal? Which one(s)? I don’t think so. Has anyone, including yourself, forgot it was your own birthday? On my 18th birthday my high school friend group completely forgot. It makes me feel like shit every time it’s brought up, so we’re not bringing it up tonight. Chocolate or strawberry birthday cake? Choose one. Chocolate! Do you eat more vegetables or fruits? What’s your favorite fruit/veggie? I loooooove me some vegetables – I’d try all of them in a heartbeat. My favorite is broccoli. And I hate most fruits, but I’ll give an exception to avocado. Do you abbreviate things way too often? Do you get called out on it? Not really, I just use the usual shortcuts – lol, lmao, rn, tbh, idk. My mom would get confused sometimes and ask me for the meaning of some abbreviations I use, but she doesn’t ‘call me out’ on it. Ever been in one of those church Christmas plays before? Why/why not? Hahahaha no, because I never wanted to join and it’s one of those things I’d never allow myself to be in no matter how much my mom forced me. What is the funniest conjunction you use throughout your day? ...Are conjunctions supposed to be funny? Have you ever thrown a roll of toilet paper at someone before? Nope. Does the dentist calm you or does it tend to stress you out? I like the dentist. I’ve never had big issues with my teeth (save for my worst ever toothache last year), so the idea of having my teeth cleaned and treated is actually pretty calming to me. The one time it ever stressed me out was when my dentist had to extract a dead tooth and he had to put three injections on the roof of my mouth. It was the first time I’ve ever caught myself literally shaking in fear, huhuhuhu. If you had to choose, which is the worst movie you’ve ever seen? Jack and Jill, for movies that are objectively bad. But in general, Knives Out was a big fucking waste of my time and money. Have you ever found yourself talking to an inanimate object? When I say sorry for bumping into them D: Do you like movies that are originally based on children’s books? Not all of them. Some were hits for me like Charlotte’s Web and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and some I didn’t really care for, like Coraline. Is your hair more thick or thin? Is it more curly or straight? THICK. So thick I could never pull off a bob, even though I’ve had the desire to adopt it as my look for a while now. It’s straight but it’ll sometimes be wavy. Something on the human body that grosses you out the most: Raised moles. Do you like meeting new people? What’s your most common greeting? Uhhhh I’m okay with meeting new people but it still depends on their crowd or the air that they carry around them. If I have a meh feeling about them or if their body language initially rubs me off the wrong way, I’d be hesitant. With my situation now, I usually say hi, tell them my name, we exchange our courses, then we talk about school stuff to break the ice. Ever think of what it would be like to be a mermaid or merman? Not really. Ariel has since showed me that it wouldn’t mean much, so I never actively wanted to be a mermaid. If you had to choose, which celebrity would you date out of all of them? Kristen Stewart or Hayley Williams. Do people feel sorry for you for no reason? Have they ever? I don’t think so. Idk, idk how people feel about me. What is something that bothers you about most surveys in general? I never liked surveys that go too deep, like those that ask me what I think of socialism or abortion, hhhhhhhh. I answer surveys so I can talk about my dog, say what I learned in school, or discuss who I had lunch with, and not to get all political. Simple yes/no questions can also be annoying so most times I elaborate. Who would you take with you on a stranded/deserted island? Maybe Gab? She’s super smart and resourceful and makes everything work haha. Do you have your own personal boom box in your bedroom? No. I was too young to want to have one. Would you survive if zombies were to take over the world? Why or why not? Probably not. I can’t even cross the street without holding on for dear life to my friends’ arms lmaoooooo. What would you say is the worst part of high school period? Adjusting. I took a while to, and when I hadn’t yet, it was the worst. I was left out of everything, had no opportunity to figure out who I was or what I needed at the time, and nothing and no one approached me unless I did so myself. What is your favorite color of apple? Red, green or yellow? I don’t like apples. Ever want to be a doctor? Is it because of all the hospital shows? I never wanted to be a doctor as a kid, but now I do see the point in going to med school. I’ve always liked and been good at memorizing names and terms, and biology is my favorite subject along with history, so a part of me thinks what could have happened if I pursued some specialization of med. As for hospital shows, I’ve never seen one. What do you think of all these reality shows that try to alter personality? I’m not sure what they mean? Don’t they all do that? Reality TV personalities always seem like much exaggerated versions of themselves. Where are your favorite pair of shoes in the whole world right now? I wear it too much but my Onitsuka Tiger sneakers are a k e e p e r. So comfy and such a classy-looking pair. Do you live anywhere near a mall? If you live in the Philippines, there is an 80–90% chance you live near a mall. In my case, I just live quite far from the main entrance of our gated village so it’s a bit of a drive; but the village itself is like two minutes away from one mall, four minutes away from two others, and five minutes away from still another one. Malling is pretty much the national pastime, so we’re loaded with them. Do you like drawing smiley faces or do you think they’re overrated? They’re pretty harmless, I don’t see why they should be deemed as overrated lol. If you were dying who would you say goodbye to first out of everyone? Gabie. Are you someone who actually likes to babysit children? I’ve never formally baby-sat someone, actually; at best I was put in charge of my younger siblings and cousins and looked out for them and took up the position of the responsible older sister whenever our parents weren’t watching. But to me it was already kinda like babysitting based on what I’ve seen in American TV hahahaha, and I always liked that sort of task. Do you ever have those ‘ah ha!’ moments? Do those annoy you? If the a-ha moment meant I was stupid in the past, then yes it would annoy me. Like for example if I’m driving somewhere and already far from home, then had an a-ha moment that I forgot something important back at the house, then I’d be pretty pissed with myself. But if the a-ha moment was something like a realization, I’d be relieved to have it. Do you hardly ever remember where you put things at? YES I HATE that about myself. I’ve lost earphones, my Hydro Flask, my yellow pad paper, readings, jackets, hair ties, socks, and school IDs because of it. What’s your favorite lunch meat, if you even like any in the first place? I don’t eat lunch meat. When is the next time you’ll eat a cupcake, if you know when? I have no clue :( Cupcakes are one of my favorite desserts though, but they’re just so hard to find or get. Where did you last buy socks from? What do those socks look like? The last time I bought socks was like 2015, back when they were a trend here for some reason. It has a bacon and eggs design, and I actually just wore them the other day haha. Do you ever lay in the grass and look up at the sky, just because? I’d look up at the sky, but not on grass. I find it itchy. When do you normally go to sleep on the weekends? Depends on what and how much I did during the day and how tired I am. Like just earlier (Friday evening) I was passed out by 9:30 because I stayed up til 2 AM working on a Powerpoint and had to wake up at 6 in the morning to continue working. But other nights I could stay up till midnight. Have you ever met someone with the same ‘biggest fear’ as you? I haven’t met anyone afraid of knives and injections and any sharp stuff like me, no. Do you ever have movie nights with your significant other? We don’t do movie nights ever, which I recently and finally realized when we did sit down and watch Titanic together a couple of weeks ago lmaaaaaaaaao. It was honestly really fun doing it and I remember remarking that we in fact never did movie nights in the last four years. Would you rather write with a pen or a pencil? Why is this? Pen. It’s just more convenient for me. Pencils get blunt as you use them, and I’m too impatient for that. Do you like candy bars? Are you trying to slack off of them? I honestly have nothing against them, but given that I have several many relatives who work overseas and have brought home candy bars as pasalubong (gifts) in the last 22 years of my existence... you can imagine how tired I can get of them. What is your favorite number? Is it significant with your life? 4. Not really. It just reminds me of Beyoncé and happier days haha. Are you afraid of being kidnapped if you go outside at nighttime? Yup. That’s why I never walk outside at night except when I’m at a mall or in school. I just drive everywhere. Has your mother ever called your school because of your grades? No. Whenever I struggled in school it was always just due to either 1 or 2 subjects, so there was no reason to ring up our adviser as it was never that worrisome in my case. I was never failing all my classes at the same time, basically. In the next twenty minutes, what will you be doing and where will you be? Maybe another survey or watching BoJack Horseman? Idk. It’s 3:44 AM and I’m pretty awake so I dunno if I’d still want to sleep. Do you like showers or baths better? Why did you choose your choice? Showerrrr. It’s quicker, plus it’s what I do more often. Are you a controversial person? Do your views oppose others? This was me as a teenager because I thought it would be cool to be edgy and have a different opinion than everyone else BLECK please delete that person lmfao. But now, hmmm the way I’d explain it is that in the case of e.g. being pro-choice, LGBT, critical of the Catholic Church, basically the more liberal ideas, I seem to be in the majority opinion about relevant issues on the Internet/social media. 

But I live in the Philippines, where society is still mostly traditional, conservative, modest, and disapproving of a lot of the progressive stuff happening in the rest of the world – hell, divorce isn’t even legal here. That said, a lot of my views which would otherwise line up with those on social media or those in like US or Canada or Europe would get me a lot of hate and criticism in the Philippines, especially among the older generation. Have you ever thrown a surprise party for someone? Who for? Yeah we threw one for Dave a few years back. My friends also threw an advanced surprise party for Raf on my actual birthday, and I was too hurt about it so I didn’t attend. What would you say your average word per minute time is on the keyboard? We did this in class once for fun when we weren’t really discussing anything, and if I remember anything I hit somewhere between 70-80 words. What is your least favorite class in school? Why is this? Chemistry, calculus, and trigonometry. So fucking useless. Do you bite your fingernails or tap them on desks? I tap my nails onto desks. I only bite them when I’m anxious. Have you ever wanted to be in a band? What position exactly? I wanted to learn the drums but never explicitly wanted to be in a band. Who is your role model or hero in life if you have one? No role models for me. Do you ever call your cousins just to talk to them randomly? No. We’re close, but we’re also busy, so the only time we get to catch up is when we get to have family lunches/reunions. Do you find any of your friends’ parents creepy or really mean? Not at all. All of my friends’ parents have been lovely. Do you ever have to wash your clothes at someone else’s house? Nope. When is the next time you’ll go to the library? Why is this? I dunno actually. I don’t really have to pick up a book to read for a class right now. Do you like fiction or non-fiction books more? What’s your favorite? Non-fiction. I don’t have a favorite but I will sit down and read any biography you offer me. Do you constantly have to be told to shut up? By who? No, and that would hurt, I think. I have friends who I lowkey think are too talkative for my social battery, but I’d never tell them to shut up. Do you know how to play pool? Are you any good at it? Nah. I don’t even know how to swing(?) the cue. Do you treat others as you’d like to be treated? Have you always? Yeah, I always try to. I always assume or imagine they’re going through something, so I always try to be a little kinder. Were you a really mean kid or a sweet and quiet kid? I was quiet, neither mean nor sweet. I didn’t make trouble at all but I wasn’t exactly the most darling of kids either haha. I was just too shy to move or talk. Are you someone who likes to get in arguments or fights a lot? I’d get in one if I have to, but I don’t thrive on them. How do you make sure people know you don’t like them at all? I don’t have to make a big spectacle about it if I don’t like someone for whatever reason. I can still be polite and civil if I have to interact with them. < Pretty much. The one way someone would know (if they even notice at all) is that if I would do anything and everything to avoid having to talk to them. Would you say you’re someone who likes to cuss a lot? I say shit and fuck pretty often. Do you keep secrets from your parents that you don’t keep from your friends? My entire relationship is a glaring answer to this. What is your father’s best friend’s name? Do you know them personally? I don’t know if my dad has one. He has close friends, but not sure about a best friend. If you had to, where would you get a tattoo at? Why? Inner wrist, but I know that would hurt so I might just settle with having no tattoos ever haha. I picked it becauuuuse, idk, it just seems pretty intimate to me. How much was the cell phone you have at this moment in time? It was the newest model when I got it so it cost like P45,000 or a little less than $1000. Would you say you hang out with people the majority of your life? Yes. For the last 18 years my life has revolved around going to school, so I’m allllllways around people. What would you do if you woke up randomly with purple hair? I’d be pissed and try to hunt down whoever dyed my hair in my sleep, but then afterwards I’d assess if it suits me or not HAHAHA. It’s dyed anyway, so I might as well make sure I look good with it. Do you ever look in the mirror and name all of your flaws for no reason? Yeah, especially the ones on my face. Doesn’t get to happen a lot but I’d do it occasionally. Are you getting sick of the reality show Survivor? Why? I never watched it, but I’m surprised it’s still on. < This. Do you usually explain to people why you do the things you do? It depends what I do but generally, I’m not weird or crazy or daring enough for me to have to explain myself to people all the time. In contrast, I have an org-mate who’s a little on the...experimental side, and we have caught him trying to drink glue or stabbing himself with a pen. He always says he just wants to know how it smells/tastes/feels like, depending on the situation. We’re all lowkey concerned about him though lol. Ever submit a video to America’s Funniest Home Videos? We didn’t, because I don’t live in America. The most painful medical procedure you’ve ever had? Anything that had me getting pricked, so like platelet count tests and the one time I needed to get IV placed on my wrist. I’m WINCING just thinking about them. Are you someone who likes to eat Poptarts? What’s your favorite flavor? Love Poptarts, my favorite is the chocolate one. We don’t get a lot of flavors here, hence the basic choice. Ever have a dream you’re being abducted by aliens? Was it scary? Never. Do you like people who are loud or people who are quiet? I like quiet people who can get chatty and loud when necessary. Does personality weigh out the sense of ‘good looks?’ In terms of who I find attractive? Not really, looks still matter to me. When is the next time you’ll see someone who is pregnant? I only know one person who is and I only see that girl like once a decade lmao so I have no clue if I’ll see anyone else who’s pregnant. Do you hate it when people copy the things you do? No, unless it’s the exact same thing I’ve been doing. Where is your favorite piece of electronic equipment? It is on the drawer next to my bed. Where is the person who ‘owns your heart’ at this moment in time? She’s in her dorm, all passed out considering it’s 4:40 AM lol. Has anyone ever told you that you’re good at cooking? Hell no. I’d tell them they’re completely mistaking me for a different person, because I don’t enter the kitchen at allllllll. Would you say you’re a fast texter, or are you pretty slow? I’m fast. What is your favorite flavor of Doritos? What do you drink with them? Nacho Cheese is fine with me. Do you have any enemies who you think are dangerous? I don’t have any enemies. < Yep. Do you ever try to squeeze information out of people? Sure. It comes with being a journ student lmao. Does it freak you out when the police drive by your house? I live in a private village so this never happens. I do get paranoid when I’m driving and there’s a police car coming from behind me, though. Are you someone who tends to take a whole lot of naps? Not really. I always have a lot of work to do so I can’t nap even though I would want to. What is your favorite nickname you like to be called? Why do you like it? I’m fine with Robyn. I’ve gone by it since I was four. Do you already have your outfit for tomorrow planned out? Eh not really. I usually don’t think of my Sunday outfits until I’m actually already in front of the closet anyway. I never feel like making an effort for church.  What is the color of your favorite pair of pants? What brand are they? Blue. No clue, but they’re mom jeans. Has your favorite song ever been featured on a commercial? Nah. I’ve never heard Paramore on a commercial. Do you ever promise pc4pc on Myspace then never return the favor? I never did Myspace. I’m vaguely familiar with the slang, though. What is one song right now that really gets on your nerves? That new Demi Lovato ballad. Bless her for allowing herself to be vulnerable on that track, but for the most part I cannotttttt stand her voice. What would you say was the best year of your life? Why? 2014, a lot of things seemed to fall into my lap back then, and I was simply happy and satisfied. Do those annoying infomercials ever draw you in to buy things? I have never been convinced to buy anything they sell but I WILL spend hours watching the commercials just because of how entertaining they are. Have you ever been pulled over by the cops for speeding? No. Speeding isn’t an issue here tbh. If it was nearly everybody would be pulled over, I think. Common reasons for being pulled over are like making illegal u-turns, overtaking on a solid double line, or being caught driving when your car is under coding for that day. Is anyone in your family a firefighter? Who is it anyway? Nope.

[bxcketbarnes]

His Clothes

Pairing: Ashton Irwin/Reader

Words: 1312

Author’s Note: Hey! I’m gonna mix up my set up a bit because why not. Anyway, my beautiful friend, Kaye, and I were ogling over these pictures of Ash modeling off their new merch and I got the idea of just wearing his clothes. So, here I am... I really hope you guys enjoy this! *chews on fingernails* :) xox

Ashton always loved when I wore his clothes. He may have never voiced it before, but I could tell by the way his eyes lit up every time I walked into the living room of our shared place while wearing something of his. Hoodies are a definite favorite that I love to wear. To just cuddle up in the baggy clothing, inhaling what’s left of Ashton’s cologne.

-

Today’s one of those days. I’ve been feeling a bit sick all week, shivers running down my body even when it’s almost 80 degrees in the house and outside. Ashton was currently in the studio with the other boys, working on the third album as I was alone in the house. I laid in bed for most of the morning, shivering like crazy as I cuddled up in the duvet.

I picked my head up, sneezing a bit as my phone vibrated from the table beside me. I rubbed my nose with the back of my hand, sniffling before picking up the device, seeing a message from Ashton.

From: That Cutie Ash

Hey you. I know you’ve been feeling a bit down in the dumps lately. You must’ve been asleep still when I stopped by with an early lunch. I left yours in the fridge. I got you your favorite. Stay warm, okay? <3

I smiled at the text, blushing a bit as the two of us always had a flirty friendship. I had a coughing fit into my arm, laying on my back after I was done. “This fucking sucks,” I grumbled, letting out one last cough before lifting my phone back up.

To: That Cutie Ash

Ash… you are literally the best. Thank you so much for the food and I’m going to get out of this bed and eat it right now! See you later xox <3

I threw the covers off my legs, slowly getting out of bed feeling the chilly air. I bit my lip while striding towards Ashton’s room. I searched through one of the drawers in his dresser, pulling out a pair of sweatpants. I slip the warm grey pants on, my legs becoming warmer already as my arms were still cold. Why the fuck would I wear a tank top? Y/N you’re stupid… I had one of my arms across my chest, feeling the hardness of my nipples coming through the think top as I opened his closet.

My eyes met the black hoodie that was hung up on one of the hangers. I grabbed it from the hanger, feeling the warmth of the inside of it before throwing it over my head. I grabbed the inside of the sleeves, not showing any skin so my body becomes warm. “Thank god for Ashton’s clothes.”

After stealing his clothes I headed into the kitchen, opening the fridge door to see my favorite sushi on the shelf. I didn’t hear the front door opening as I set the sushi container on the island bar, sitting on a stood. “Oh, Ashton how I love you,” I spoke to myself, opening the container before grabbing the chopsticks that sat on the countertop.

“Are you practicing how to tell me you love me?” Ashton’s voice piped up and I jumped, almost falling out of my chair. I placed a hand over my heart, feeling it beat loudly while turning my head towards him.

“Jesus Christ, Ash, really?” I asked, letting out a huff of breath as he laughed, sitting down beside me. Ashton leaned his chin on his knuckles, watching me as I began eating the sushi rolls. “Thank you again for lunch. How much do I owe you?” I asked after swallowing the delicious food.

He shook his head, his hazel eyes glancing down at the clothes I was wearing. “N-Nothing, it’s on me. Uhm, you’re wearing my clothes,” Ash stuttered, clearing his throat afterward as a smile came to his lips.

I looked down at my attire, suddenly feeling flushed as I noticed how close we were. “Oh, yeah. I was cold, freezing actually and raided your drawers and closet,” I told him, my cheeks heating up.

Ashton softly smiled, tucking some of my hair behind my ear. The beating of my heart began to quicken as the tip of his fingers brushed against my skin. “You look great, cozy. I’ve never mentioned this before but… I love when you wear my clothes. I wish you would more often,” he mumbled quietly, his eyes never leaving my figure.

“I will if you want me too,” I whispered, turning in my chair to face him, our faces inches from each other. I noticed his eyes drift to my lips, bringing his hand up to my face to drag the pad of his thumb across my bottom lip. “A-Ash…”

“Shhh. You are so gorgeous and you look even more gorgeous in my clothes. I seriously wonder if you look this good in nothing but my shirt,” he breathed, his breath fanning against my face as my eyes slowly shut.

A shaky breath left my lips as my hands grabbed his forearms. “Ashton… i-is this actually happening or am I just dreaming?” I quietly whispered, not wanting to open my eyes.

His lips brushed mine and my breath caught in my throat, feeling Ashton’s hand rest on the nape of my neck before pressing our lips together. The feeling of his lips on mine was an absolute bliss, butterflies soaring through my body as I felt like I was high. I quickly pulled away from him as a cough snuck up, coughing quite violently into my arm.

“Shit, I kind of forgot you were sick. Why don’t we go lay down, hm?” He asked, giving me a sad smile while rubbing my back. I nodded my head, a bit sad that our moment was ruined as Ashton placed the lid back on the container before setting it into the fridge. “C’mon you,” Ash mumbled softly, wrapping his arms around the back of my knees, picking me up bridal style.

“You know you’re going to get sick now, right?” I asked him and he nodded as I was carried into his bedroom, gently placed onto the king size bed.

Ashton headed for his dresser, shuffling around in it as I took off his hoodie, setting it on the floor beside the bed. “Here,” he muttered, tossing me his shirt, “it’ll be warmer than the tank top you’re wearing.”

He continued to stand in front of me, waiting for me to change into it as I cleared my throat. I decided to say fuck it, taking my tank top off in front of him. My bare breasts were exposed to the cool air in the house, hardening immediately as my eyes flashed up towards Ashton. His eyes were wide, seeing his Adam's apple bob a bit before looking down at his feet, scratching the back of his neck.

I chuckled, slipping the shirt over my head before laying down in the warm bed, Ashton following suit. “So, since you kissed me and all… does that mean you like me? Like like me?” I asked, feeling super nervous but relieved once Ash nodded his head.

“I do, I always have. I don’t know why, but seeing you in my clothes today just made me want you in every way I can. You’ve always been my favorite person. D-Do you feel the same way?” He asked, blushing a bit as I smiled, wrapping my arms around his waist before laying my head on his chest.

“I do. I really really do,” I mumbled, feeling his hand rubbing up and down my arm as his fingernails slightly grazed my skin. “You know this means I’ll be stealing your clothes.”

Ashton chuckled, placing a kiss on the top of my head. “Wouldn’t want it any other way, love.”

-

Taglist: @honeymoonmuke @gotta-try-something-new @dashlilymark @thebookamongmen @kinglyhood @maddz-world @lukeskisses @shower-me-with-roses @ashs-cheergirl

[techcrunchappcom]

New Post has been published on https://techcrunchapp.com/demi-lovato-on-new-love-new-management-and-finally-learning-to-cry-bustle/

Demi Lovato On New Love, New Management, And Finally Learning To Cry - Bustle

Demi Lovato imagined herself in the middle of the ocean. As the 27-year-old tread water, long black hair skimming over dark waves, she was given a command: Raise your hand if you want to lose weight. Because Lovato is a pop star who has produced nine Top 20 Billboard singles under the scrutiny of 86 million Instagram followers and a BMI-obsessed tabloid press — and because she has dealt with eating disorders for more than a decade — Lovato raised her tattooed and extravagantly nail-arted hand.

While Lovato kept herself suspended in the open water with one limb, she was given another directive: Raise your hand if you’re willing to do something about your eating disorder. Because Lovato was, at that point in 2018, not in an ocean but in treatment for that eating disorder — as well as for addiction issues that led to an opioid overdose — Lovato obliged the counselor’s command and lifted her other hand. Which, of course, left her with no paddles to keep her from drowning in the metaphorical ocean. So Lovato made the choice to pull down her salute to thinness.

“I used to have people watching me the night before a photo shoot to make sure that I didn’t binge or eat and be swollen the next day,” Lovato says right before her late-June Bustle cover shoot. “It’s just a totally different world now. … I don’t prepare for photo shoots, even. I can eat Subway for breakfast.” Lovato delivers this news from a table in the Los Angeles house she rents with her boyfriend, actor Max Ehrich. She is resplendent in full glam but sans bra under a Selena Quintanilla shirt. Lovato left her high-rise apartment in March when another tenant tested positive for COVID-19, and she initially moved in with her mother and stepfather before realizing it’s “a little difficult to be in a new relationship at your family’s house.” Behind Lovato, in her temporary living room, sits a surgically masked team of people who do not spend their time monitoring her weight.

The new squad is led by Scooter Braun, whom Lovato approached in 2019, a year after her overdose. It was time to move on from longtime manager Phil McIntyre, who had worked with Lovato since she was a teenager. “In the past,” Lovato says, “I projected my own abandonment issues onto other people, especially male figures that I looked up to as father figures. I had to reflect on, ‘What do I want my relationship with my manager to look like without enmeshing my own father issues onto him?’” (Lovato’s estranged birth father, who she has said was abusive and suffered from mental health issues, passed away the week after Father’s Day in 2013.)

Braun honed his ability to manage trauma and talent in a gantlet of wounded musicians. “I’ve been through that with Justin,” Braun says, not needing to clarify the surname of Bieber, who very publicly grappled with his own substance use and mental health issues, which manifested in behavior including mop bucket urination and monkey abandonment. “I’ve been through that with Ariana, you know?” (Grande has talked about exhibiting symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder following the 2017 Manchester Arena bombing. The next year, her ex, rapper Mac Miller, passed away after accidentally overdosing on fentanyl, cocaine, and alcohol.) “I felt like, because I’ve been through that a couple of times with people who started off very young,” Braun says, “I can understand [Demi’s] struggles a little bit.”

In Lovato’s meeting with Braun, he says, “my intention was to be respectful and decline.” He simply didn’t feel he could take on another client. “She was nervous,” Braun says. (“I was nervous because I wanted him to manage me so bad, and I was terrified of rejection,” Lovato explains. “Also, having gone through such a public overdose, I didn’t know if anyone would want to manage me after that.”) Then Braun had a revelation. “What I saw is that she needed someone who didn’t need her. And about halfway through the meeting, [my partner Allison Kaye and I] both looked at each other and instinctually kind of laughed. And then Allison texted me and goes, ‘You’re thinking the same thing I am.’ I knew I could help her. I knew Allison could help her. I knew that we were in a position, in our lives and our careers, that if Demi needed to take three years off, she can do that. And if Demi needs us to go and have an honest conversation and get her out of something, it doesn’t affect my reputation.”

The implication is that Lovato is the kind of person who repeatedly finds herself needing to get out of something. “The people that are there with me every single day,” Lovato says, “I have to feel very connected with them and that I can trust them. That I can be totally vulnerable, transparent, and honest. And if I’m having a panic attack in the middle of a photo shoot or something that I can sit in the dressing room with whomever is there, and they can help me with it.”

Asking for help instead of forgiveness feels like a newer approach for Lovato, whose problems, in the past, seemed to be hastily dealt with when they erupted in public. But she is also singular among celebrities in her fame bracket in her willingness to go into detail about her low points. In 2015, Lovato chastised a tattoo artist for inking a “drunken teenage girl” after the woman went on Instagram to complain about Lovato’s behavior during an inebriated tattoo session. Earlier this year, Lovato went on the Ellen DeGeneres Show to explain that her eating disorder fueled a 2018 relapse, describing how her old management team gave her watermelon with fat-free whipped cream every year on her birthday in lieu of cake. Lovato’s mother Dianna De La Garza wrote a bracingly revealing memoir of her own anorexia, depression, and substance use issues, Falling With Wings. The autobiography features anecdotes like the time Lovato texted her “I’m sorry ahead of time.” (De La Garza was somewhat relieved to learn this apology was merely in reference to Lovato physically attacking a backup dancer and not a suicide note. Lovato wrote the foreword to the book.) When Lovato finished her first attempt at rehab, triggered by the 2010 punching incident, she took the advice to give her first interview just three months after completing treatment. “It was too soon, in my opinion,” Lovato says now. “But nobody knew any better, because we were looking to people in the [recovery] field for guidance.”

“I just felt like here’s someone who is so sweet, so nice and has obviously been through some shit,” Braun says. “And she made mistakes along the way, but also as a child was put in positions…” He doesn’t need to say what the positions were.

To put herself into more advantageous situations, Lovato says, “I had to learn the hard way from ignoring my needs and wants for so many years.” Really, she says, she didn’t even know what those desires were. Self-destructive behavior was, Lovato says, “just doing something because I didn’t know what to do.”

Before quarantine, it was very difficult for me to cry. I had programmed the thought into my head when I was 16 that I’m only going to cry if people pay me to.

2020 was supposed to be Lovato’s post-relapse comeback year, beginning with the wrenching Grammys debut of torch single “Anyone” and her Super Bowl performance of the national anthem, both delivered in head-to-toe angelic white. Lovato acted opposite Will Ferrell in the June Netflix comedy Eurovision Song Contest, has been hired to host a Quibi interview show, and will release a four-part YouTube docu-series that promises to “show fans her personal and musical journey over the past three years.” Lovato had also planned to release her album and go on tour, endeavors that are now postponed until those kinds of droplet-spreading events are less potentially deadly. Now, Lovato’s project is Lovato. She is painting Hawaiian eucalyptus trees and Black Lives Matter-inspired portraits of George Floyd — “I’m kind of embarrassed about how that turned out because it doesn’t look anything like him,” Lovato says, accurately — and working with a vast constellation of dietitians and coaches and spiritual advisers, one of whom she says warned her this pause was coming. “She was like, ‘Don’t panic when your work stops. It’s going to slow down drastically,’” Lovato says of the prophecy. “So I was kind of prepared in a weird way, and I just adapted. I think the universe — God — shifted that to happen in my life.”

God recently re-entered Lovato’s life, courtesy of Braun, who took her to church for the first time in years this winter. Tears are another recent re-addition. “Before quarantine, it was very difficult for me to cry. I had programmed the thought into my head when I was 16 that I’m only going to cry if people pay me to.” Now, Lovato says, “I started doing all this work, allowing myself to feel the pains of all the losses that I’ve had or the adversities or traumas that I’ve faced. I think my ability to be vulnerable and be more intimate with people has really heightened.”

The pandemic has been a graceless slam on the brakes for everyone lucky enough to safely abstain from public life and quarantine with their existential problems. Lovato has experienced hard stops before, in the form of multiple rehab stays. But this is the first time the halt was not a reaction to her own behavior. It’s an opportunity instead of a rebuke. A chance to feel for herself, not for an audience or a paycheck. After acknowledging the sacrifices of frontline workers and expressing sympathy for the sick and dead, Lovato admits the time has been “really good” for her. “It’s very common for people to only really work on themselves when crisis happens or when they notice that they’re slipping into old patterns or behaviors,” Lovato says. “So to be able to walk into this experience without a personal crisis and just be like, I can do the work on myself now because I have the time. … It was a beautiful thing.” As an added benefit, she says, “I wasn’t in rehab; I was outside in the world with Netflix. So when I was too tired of therapy, I’d put on Schitt’s Creek.” (For those who haven’t experienced inpatient rehabilitation facilities, there’s generally no Wi-Fi there.) “I was given this opportunity,” Lovato says of quarantine. “And I was like, I’m going to adapt. I’m going to shift to this. I’m going to learn from it.”

The day before we spoke, Lovato wrote a letter to her father. Though they never reconciled before his death, it was a love note, albeit a backhanded one. “I am who I am because of you,” Lovato wrote. “And I’m grateful for that. Because of your absence, I am an independent woman now. Because you were a pathological liar, I am honest to a fault.”

Like many things Lovato says, the content of the statement feels at odds with its delivery: a deluge of raw truth relayed with the bright tone and smile of the former Disney star. Though Lovato had an eating disorder before she became famous, she says, “I kind of looked around and had a moment where I was like, ‘Wow. This is so terrifyingly normalized.’” So many beautiful people around her were grinning through self-abuse. Lovato’s exploits with substance use became increasingly well-documented, and when she got help, she wanted to both explain that the slender bodies people saw on TV were not “normal” and destigmatize the painful consequences of trying to look like that. “When I went to treatment in 2010,” Lovato says, “I came out of the experience with the choice of talking about my struggles or my journey with the possibility of helping people, or keeping my mouth shut and going back to Disney Channel. And I was like that doesn’t feel authentic to me. So I chose to tell my story. And I had this, like, savior complex, where I thought, ‘Oh, I made this pact with God when I was young’” — in which Lovato would become a successful singer in exchange for doing His work — “and now I have to save people.”

In 2013, Lovato published Staying Strong: 365 Days a Year, a New York Times best-selling book of anodyne daily wisdom like, “If you spend too much time living in the past, you aren’t able to live in the now. Make an effort to move forward today.” After procrastinating until just before her publisher’s deadline, Lovato wound up writing the book in what she describes as a matter of days. “But it was more people-pleasing than anything, and then I realized through all of that people-pleasing that I wasn’t being authentic.” Earning praise for her relationship with recovery and rehabilitation was a way of “fueling those patterns that I had and that were bringing me to destruction,” Lovato says. “I think that’s what you’re hearing when you read back that book. … I binged on recovery, where I switched my addiction from the actual addictions to the recovery.” Now, Lovato tries to balance an impulse to expose with a refusal to flay herself doing so. “I have to set boundaries in interviews so I don’t treat them like therapy sessions,” she says pointedly. “But I’m able to hear my progress through the words that I’m saying when I read them back.”

You can see the impact of Lovato’s honesty in celebrity culture, and the need for continued public processing. It’s hard to imagine Taylor Swift revealing her own eating disorder in Netflix documentary Miss Americana without Lovato’s precedent. Meanwhile, Beyoncé was lauded for being transparent in the Netflix doc Homecoming about her disciplined Coachella rehearsal diet: “No bread, no carbs, no sugar, no dairy, no meat, no fish, no alcohol.” (Beyoncé perhaps needlessly clarified, “I’m hungry.”) Previously, Lovato says, “I would have prepared for something like Coachella or a photo shoot. I don’t look like Beyoncé. But I can’t risk my mental health because I have things in my history that Beyoncé doesn’t or may not have. For me, it’s a riskier thing.”

Lovato’s friend Jameela Jamil met her more than a decade ago, when Lovato was a teenager and Jamil was a radio host. Jamil has watched Lovato navigate radical honesty as a celebrity and let it inspire her own activism around eating disorders and body image. “She is revolutionary in how open and forthcoming she is with her truth,” Jamil says. “It comes at huge cost and risk; once you open the door into your personal life, people feel entitled to you. And people project this savior complex onto you, which is impossible to maintain.

“She takes on so much scrutiny and does it boldly in the name of making sure her fans aren’t harmed the way she was growing up,” Jamil continues. “Nobody else has done what she’s done. I can’t stress it enough when I tell people she’s a big part of where I drew strength to really start speaking my mind.”

Jamil was motivated by Lovato to self-advocate, but Lovato says during that time, “Even though I had a big singing voice, I didn’t have a big speaking voice for myself. I didn’t express my needs… And then after a while of your needs and your wants being ignored, you burst.”

To keep from bursting, Lovato needed to finally figure out what she wants. “I want a career that has nothing to do with my body,” she says, imagining the possibility of being neither an object nor a statement against objectification. “I want it to be about my music and my lyrics and my message. And I want a long-lasting career that I don’t have to change myself for. Music brought me so much joy when I was younger, and I lost that joy throughout the hustle and bustle of the music industry. I got miserable. And I don’t ever want it to be like that again. That’s what I want.”

The question, then, is who Lovato is when she’s not experiencing trauma. Will she become a “normal” star instead of one constantly fighting the normalized standards of stardom? When a singer so publicly tied to her pain is happy and sober and at peace and with God, are the tragedies just bad things she experienced, or are they a part of her? “I don’t think there’s a correct answer to this question,” Lovato says slowly. “I know these things happened to me. They shaped me into who I am. So maybe it’s a bit of both.” As Lovato says this, she lifts her right and left hands, palms open to all possibilities. She smiles. She’s still afloat.

Top image credit: Carolina Herrera pants; Totême courtesy of Farfetch tank; Zero + Maria Cornejo cardigan; Jennifer Fisher earrings; Jordan Road necklace.

Video credit: Mara Hoffman dress; Olgana Paris shoes; Jennifer Fisher ring; Lana Jewelry earrings.

Photographer: Angelo Kritikos

Hair: Paul Norton

Makeup: Rokael Lizama

Manicurist: Natalie Minerva

Stylist: Siena Montesano

Set Designer: Kelly Fondry

Art Director: Erin Hover

Fashion Direction: Tiffany Reid

Bustle followed current guidelines from the CDC and put measures in place to maximize the safety of our talent and crew.

[taestefully-in-luv]

Always You | JJK (Seven)

Summary: you and Jungkook have been best friends since freshmen year of college, there’s a lot of unsaid feelings and tension but neither make a move. what happens when his friend Taehyung (also your crush) needs a fake girlfriend?

Pairing: Jungkook x Female reader

Genre: friends to lovers, idiots to lovers, slight slow burn, roommate au, college au, SMUT (starting ch2), fluff, angst (in later chapters) slight crack, lots of drama

Word Count: 10.1k

Warnings: Swearing, alcohol consumption, sexual tension (!!!), mention of erection, heated make out, marking, grinding, mentions of suicide:( (If this makes you uncomfortable pls skip), mentions of cheating, quick blowjob, swallowing,

Notes: sorry this chapter is shorter than the last! But we only have 2 chapters left guys! And they are long!!! Sorry in advance lol. Hope you guys enjoy this chapter:) Anyway feel free to send an ask if you want to be added to the taglist or just want to chat about the story:)

Taglist: @mooniyooni @thisartemisnevermisses @giadalin @kookiebunny097 @cosmosjk @moonchild1 @just-jeon @anpanman-sonyeondan @starlight-night0 @yessii-i @apollukee @mikasaredscarf1 @kaye-rosales @bunnyjeonjk @dyriddle @seagulljk @hass-mich-los @peachy-skz0325 @wonusbitch @not-your-lion @flowersgirl02 @justinetingball @fiantomartell

© taestefully-in-luv

Previous

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jungkook runs his finger through your hair, his mouth hot on your neck as he leaves behind what feels like a million, slow kisses. You taste sweet and he’s reminded of the first time he got to do this with you and his heart swells at the memory. He feels you grind against him, making him impossibly harder as he grinds back. Your moans fill his ears and it sounds like a chorus of sweet, sweet music to him, he can’t help but grin into his kisses. Suddenly, the image of him kissing down your throat becomes blurry and the sound of your whines echo in the distance. He must be waking up.

Jungkook feels you hovering over him with shocked eyes and he can’t help but wonder what’s gotten into you. He can feel his head beginning to throb from the inevitable hang over that wishes to visit and he raises a hand over it. You continue to look down at him and that’s when he notices it. Them. The hickeys that spread across your skin and he goes absolutely pale.

He looks back at you with wide eyes but he can’t help but feel pride bloom all throughout his body as he looks at how he has marked you but those petals quickly shrivel up when he realizes how badly he must have messed up.

“Oh fuck.” He says under his breath.

“Yeah. ‘Oh fuck’” you repeat back.

Jungkook lifts himself up, leaning on his arms as he takes another look at the bruises that cover your skin. He releases a shaky breath contemplating what to say.

“Drunk.” His eyes slide to the side, “We were really…drunk.”

You narrow your eyes for a split second then look at him with ease,

“Yeah…right…drunk.” You quickly agree.

Jungkook and you share a moment of a silence, admiring one another’s work on the other. You hesitantly reach out, your fingers coming in contact with the side of his neck, brushing against his soft skin.

“This ones huge…I’m sorry.” You say, not sounding entirely sorry. A slight smirk graces your features.

“Ha, you don’t look very sorry.” Jungkook grabs a hold of your hand, “Plus, you don’t even want to see what I did to you.”

You retreat your hand back to touch your own skin, you shuffle out of the sheets and stand from the bed. You walk towards the little mirror over by Jungkook’s closet and take a look.

You audibly gasp, the purple marks that spread across your neck and collarbone are ones for the books.

“What the hell Jeon! How am I supposed to walk out of here today! Everyone’s going to see this!” you gesture towards yourself. “Oh my god.” You turn back to look in the mirror. “This is horrible.”

Jungkook leaves the bed to join you at the mirror,

“Holy shit.” He looks at himself, “I’m not any better!” he throws his hands up but he’s laughing. He’s fucking laughing! You watch in disbelief as he chuckles the fucking day away.

You watch him and you can’t help but start to laugh too. This is just so ridiculous.

“Wait wait…” Jungkook calms down, suddenly becoming serious. “We didn’t do anything else…right?”

“Why are you looking at me like that? Shouldn’t you also remember?”

“You’re the girl! Can’t you like tell…if we…” He motions his hands between your bodies.

“Oh my god. No, we didn’t do anything else. Do you really not remember everything?” you ask with a frown.

“I feel like I do…but I was just being you know, sure.”

Jungkook wishes he could remember everything in great detail but the reality is he was really drunk and some moments are hazier than others. Which is a fucking shame because he wants to remember the first moment you caressed his skin to his lips on yours.

“Do you remember everything?”

“I remember enough.” You admit.

You were drunk, yes. But the memory of you and Jungkook is almost crystal clear and fresh in your mind.

“Bottom line is…we were really drunk and drunk people do stuff like that all the time.” Your hands go to your hips, “I mean, I’ve literally made out with Trina before. Don’t feel special.” You wink, your tone is light and teasing and Jungkook finds you amusing.

“Just two drunk idiots.” Jungkook grins. “So no acting weird.”

“I won’t be weird, will you?”

“I’ll try my best.” He chuckles.

“I’m serious Jungkook, we can be cool about this…” you give him a smile, “It’s not like we haven’t—”

“Stop…” Jungkook lifts his hand up, “I get it.” He chuckles awkwardly.

Your small smile fades, your heart pinches. He never wants to talk about it, did he hate it that much?

“Right…” You begin walking closer towards him and he steps back, your heart pinching once again. “Well, lend me a fucking turtle neck or something so I can get outta here.”

Jungkook smirks down at you as he walks to his closet.

“Fine. Hopefully I have two…I have a black and a white one right?” he asks you from inside his closet.

“Shit, I think I have your white one at my place…”

“I don’t think Nick owns any…”

“Why do you need one? Just stay home today.”

“I’m supposed to meet Vanessa later…”

Your heart doesn’t just pinch this time, it sinks. Deep down into your lower belly until its falling to the ground.

“Oh.”

“I’ll find a scarf or some shit.”

“I’ll bring you your white one, don’t worry.”

“Really? Thanks y/n.” Jungkook walks out of his closet smiling at you, his black turtle neck draped over his arm. “Here.” He hands it over to you.

“Turn around.”

Jungkook raises a brow at you until realization hits him.

“Okay.” He whispers out.

You quickly change into the long sleeve shirt and let Jungkook know he can turn back around.

“I feel like I should make you breakfast or something…” Jungkook scratches the back of his neck, standing here awkwardly.

“Really Jungkook?” you laugh out, “And what would you make me?”

“I think Nick has some toaster waffles.” Jungkook offers with a grin.

“I’m good. I’m gonna head out but I will be back with your shirt!”

“Sounds good, I’ll walk you out.”

You two nod at one another, exiting the bedroom and walking towards the front door. You stop to say goodbye and Jungkook steps into your space, wrapping his arms around you.

“See you in a bit.” He whispers.

“Yeah.” You pull back and smile at him. “See you in a bit.”

~~~~~

“Why the fuck are you wearing a black turtle neck in the middle of August?”

It’s Trina, if you haven’t guessed. It’s the first thing you hear when you step into your apartment, she is over to hang with Holly you’re assuming.

“I was a bit chilly.” You lie through your teeth, giving her a strained smile.

“Take it off.” Trina commands.

“Trina…” Holly warns softly, she’s got her hand on Trina’s shoulder and you can’t help but giggle.

“Wait, your date was last night, right? With this ‘Min Yoongi’? Ooooh, did things go well?” Trina whistles out.

“It wasn’t a date, I already told you…” you whine as you walk into the living room, sitting on the sofa.

“But it did go well! I had a really nice time.” You admit softly, smiling at the memory of your ‘thank you outing’. “He’s so cool and so sweet.” Your eyes light up, “He owns the record shop a few shops away from the bakery!”

“Owns it? Like it’s his?” Holly asks, she shares a pleased smile with Trina.

“Yes, like it’s his.��

“He sounds like a man. Marry him.” Trina gives you an aggresive thumbs up.

“Chill dude.” You laugh. “I think he and I could become really good friends…and…”

“And?”

“Well, you never know.” Your eyes shift to the side as you smirk. “The world is full of mystery.”

Trina smiles brightly, “So you’re saying there’s a chance?”

“I’m saying that there’s not not a chance…”

“I’LL TAKE IT!” Trina lifts up Holly’s hand and high fives herself with it. “Whatever isn’t Jungkook.” She finishes with a grin and you feel your whole body go stiff.

“Trina…” you frown, “I really don’t like when you say stuff like that. Jungkook is a good person. He just…he messed up, yes. But he’s trying.”

“He hurt you.” Trina’s tone goes serious. “How could you forgive him for that?”

“I’m trying too. But I am able to try because I know him…he wouldn’t just hurt me without him having his own reasons…and I love him, T. Like as friends, of course but also…”

“I know.” Trina goes soft, “I know.”

Holly clasps her hands together, “And that’s that! How about we make some food and chit chat some more over some mimosas!”

“I love that idea.” You say.

“But seriously girl, please go change out of that turtle neck…you’re making me sweat just looking at you.” Trina says.

Right, the turtle neck. You told Jungkook you would drop off his white one…well, you gotta find it first.

“Okay, but I have to run an errand first then we can hang.”

“An errand?” Both girls look at you quizzically.

“Don’t worry about it.” Great, now you sound like Jungkook.

~~~~~

Within the hour you are quickly dropping off Jungkook’s shirt off at his place and going back to yours. He answered the door in nothing but his towel again and you tried so hard not to drool. You recall the night before when your fingers were dragging down his chest and his toned stomach. You felt every ab beneath your fingertips. Fuck, that felt good. You’re home now, you shake your head trying to rid yourself of thoughts of Jungkook’s body. But with a body like that? It’s so so hard. Just like how he was…STOP. You shake off these thoughts and try to pay attention to what Holly is saying.

“—And then I turned it in anyway and still got an A!”

“That’s amazing Holly.” You say, trying to act like you weren’t just having impure thoughts.

“Yeah, you totally kick ass.” Trina says.

You girls are a few mimosas in, you feel the champagne starting to work its wonderful magic on you but unfortunately it is making you start to sweat. You want to take off this damn turtleneck.

“I’ll be right back.” You say quickly before retreating to your bedroom. You find a baggy t-shirt and slip it on. This feels much better! But god damn. These marks on your skin are something else. You rush to the bathroom and try to cover some with makeup but it’s hardly helping. Fuck.

“Welp, maybe they won’t notice.” You whisper to yourself.

You walk back out into the living room and you notice both Holly and Trina’s eyes go comically wide.

“Wow, that date did go better than you thought!” Trina starts whooping and hollering.

“Wow y/n.” Holly really does look shocked.

Okay, so maybe they did notice. You feel so self conscious all of the sudden, your hands flying up to your neck to cover yourself.

“It’s—It’s not what it looks like.” You stammer out.

“It looks like this Yoongi guy is really into marking!” Trina yells out with a grin.

“Yoongi is really into marking…” Holly eyes you with horror in her eyes.

“Yoongi! Yoongi! Yoongi!” Trina begins chanting, she looks over at Holly and lightly taps her thigh to get her to start chanting the name as well.

“Guys…” You whine into your hands, “It wasn’t Yoongi.” You must be admitting that because you’ve had a few mimosas.

Silence. The room falls undeniably quiet.

“Wait what?” Trina asks, her wide grin beginning to fade.

“Did you meet with someone else last night?” Holly begins to pry.

“Did you go to a bar or something and meet a rando?”

“Did you bump into someone on the street?”

“Did you call up and old boyfriend? An old hookup?”

“Guys!” You yell out, “I met up with Jungkook last night!”

Once again, the room goes silent.

“You what?” Trina asks plainly, “What does that have to do with the hickeys on your neck?”

“Really Trina?” your head falls into your hands, “We kind of…”

“You guys fucked? Really?” Trina’s serious tone is back.

“No! We just got really drunk and made out! That’s it!”

“But is that really it for you?” To your surprise, it’s Holly who asks this.

“It’s fine. We were just drunk. We decided not to be weird about it. And we won’t.”

“How can you be sure of that?” Trina asks, her voice gone soft.

“Because I will text him in a few days, he’s going to text back. Or I’ll call and he will answer like normal. I’ll ask to hang out or something and we will just be two friends who hang. It will go just like that!”

Except it doesn’t go like that at all. A few days pass and you decided to text Jungkook in the morning after you woke up. You don’t expect to hear back from him for a couple of hours since he will probably sleep in. But hours and hours go by and it’s the afternoon now and you still haven’t heard from him.

“You have reached the voicemail box of…” You click the end button on your phone again for like, the 6thtime. Why isn’t Jungkook answering? It’s a Wednesday afternoon, you know you remember him saying he had today off for some reason so what is he up to? Even if he was with Vanessa, would he really ignore you like this? 6 calls in a row?

You decide to try Jimin, maybe they’re together. You look him up in your ‘Favorites’ and click clack away to calling him. After several rings the boy finally answers,

“Hey.” He says somewhat out of breath, “I’m working, what’s up?”

“Hey it’s nothing really…” you begin, “But have you heard from Jungkook…? I can’t get a hold of him…”

“Huh? No? Maybe he’s just, I don’t know, busy babe.” You can hear Jimin directing some poor child of his wrong moves on the other side of the phone.

“Look, I gotta go. But just try again in a little while, okay?”

“Can you try calling him for me?”

“Huh? Uh, sure. I’ll let you know later. Love you, bye.” Jimin hangs up and you’re left with your phone to your ear, talking to no one.

It’s Wednesday evening now, you and Holly are sharing a pie while watching some weird show on Netflix that Holly insists is good. You’re three episodes in and you’re starting to wonder when the ‘good’ part happens. It’s mostly just been weird but Holly seems invested in it. You’re trying to keep your mind busy, the thought of Jungkook making you feel antsy. You just wanted to call and see if he wanted to chill together…to prove things aren’t going to be weird between you two. Is he really going to be so fucking immature? Big deal, you made out. But to go this far to ignore you? You can’t help but feel so fucking anxious. He won’t ghost you again right?

You mindlessly stick your fork in the pie repeatedly when you feel your phone buzz. Thank God, some sort of reason to look away from this show, you think.

Jimin 6:22pm

Hey, I got a hold of Jungkook…

What the hell? So he answered to Jimin?!

Jimin 6:22pm

It’s probably best to let him be today babe, today is…not a good day

You click off your phone and throw it on the cushion to your side because what the hell does that mean? Not a good day? If he’s not having a good day then shouldn’t he like, lean on you? Wait, you’re asking for too much right? You mean, you’re the one who set boundaries. But if he’s having a bad day why ignore you? You throw the fork in the pie and set it next to Holly, she looks at you mortified that you would just throw your fucking fork. You stand to your feet and start heading to your room.

“Uh, where are you going? Things are just getting good.” Holly whines.

“I’ll be back in a little while Hol, just gotta do something real quick.” You call out from behind you, entering your room to change into some clean clothes.

Once you’re ready you grab your purse and your keys and head towards the front door, and out to your car.

It’s a really quick drive to Jungkook’s apartment, he lives so close to you it’s ridiculous. He couldn’t find an apartment that was further away from his old one? Well, still…you’re grateful it’s a short drive. You wonder how you’ll confront Jungkook. He isn’t the best at opening up so you have to go about this strategically. But knowing you, you’ll be anything but strategic. It’s just with Jungkook you really have to force it out of him—whatever it is. Even then you may get nothing.

You find a parking spot a little a ways from the building, it’s a nice refreshing two minute walk to get inside to find and ride the elevator. You remember riding this elevator with nick and oh god, cringe. You cringe so fucking hard. Speak of the devil, he’s who answers the front door after your insistent knocking.

“Oh hey y/n. What’s up?” Nick’s eyes dart from you to the rest of the hallway. “Is it just you?” he asks, “Jungkook isn’t here…”

“Can I wait inside until he gets home?” you blurt out.

“Uh, sure…” Nick opens the door wider for you to enter. You breeze past him, taking off your shoes at the entrance and make your way to the couch. Damn, you are a woman on a mission.

“Can I get you some water?” Nick offers as he closes the door.

“Sure.”

Nick comes into the living room with a glass full of water and you couldn’t be more grateful. You didn’t even realize how dry your mouth has gotten, the anticipation of Jungkook’s arrival making you nervous.

“Do you know where he went?” you take the glass from Nick and gulp down like half the glass. “He hasn’t answered me all day.”

“Wait, he doesn’t know you’re here?” Nick asks in panicked surprise. “Should you really be here? He might be with Vanessa or like, coming back with her…”

“It’s fine. I’m waiting, is that okay?” you nibble on your lips, waiting for his response.

“Yeah, I guess.” Nick shrugs, “I’ll be in my room if that’s okay? You can watch whatever on TV or like, whatever.” He smiles at you, gesturing towards the TV.

“I’ll be fine Nick.” You smile back.

More than an hour passes, a god damn miserable hour of you sitting on Jungkook and Nicks couch when you finally hear the front door being unlocked. Jungkook.

You straighten up when you hear the door beginning to open, the soft creak sounding a million times louder in your ears.

Jungkook walks through and you notice he is alone, and you sigh in relief. His shoulders are slumped and his head hangs low as he takes his shoes off and you immediately sink in your spot. What’s with him? So, you stand to your feet and clear your throat and he doesn’t even flinch. He just continues walking inside, finding his way into the kitchen. You watch as he opens up a cabinet and reaches for a glass, next he’s fishing the fridge for some fresh water and filling up his cup. He takes a few sips of his water before his dark eyes find you.

“What are you doing here?” his low voice sends a shiver down your spine.

“You went ghost on me today…I was worried.” You leave the living room to walk into the kitchen as well.

“I…” he begins as he sets the glass on the counter. “I didn’t ghost you.”

“How could I be so sure?” you step closer to him, “How come you answered Jimin but not me?”

Jungkook’s eyes widen at your words, like a deer caught in headlights. He blinks at you repeatedly until he tries forming words.

“It’s nothing personal.” He settles for. “Can we talk tomorrow, y/n?”

“Where did you go today?” God, why do you sound like some weird, possessive girlfriend? You cringe at your own words.

“It doesn’t matter.” Jungkook’s eyes darken again, his voice low.

“It matters to me.”

Jungkook looks down at the floor and you notice him take a few deep breaths, like he is struggling to find a steady one.

“Talk to me, Jungkook.” You reach out to him, your fingers finding his and he flinches at your touch. “What’s wrong? Please talk to me.”

“I….” Jungkook’s voice cracks and you wish you could bring him in to hug you but you don’t. You just let him continue.

“I…have nothing to say.”

Oh. Of course. Of fucking course. Of course Jungkook chooses to stay silent. Of course he chooses not to talk to you.

“Is it Vanessa?” you finally find the courage to ask, “Did you two break—”

“No, we’re fine.” He cuts in. Jungkook frees himself from your hand and looks up at you with a strained smile, “I’m fine, y/n.”

Now, you shouldn’t feel upset. Or angry. But you do, you fucking do. It’s been almost 4 years of this same bullshit where he cannot open up to you and its starting to feel insulting.

“You’re…” you step closer to him again but he takes a step back until he’s backed into the counter. “You aren’t fine. Please talk to me, Jungkook.” You try to say calmly but you think the rage is a little evident in your voice.

“Nothing to talk about.”

“Is it because I’m a girl?”

Jungkook tilts his head to the side, not knowing what you mean by that. Yeah, that was a stupid thing to assume but you aren’t smart right now.

“You can’t confide in girls because you have trust issues? You know, because of your mom…how she left you…”

“Stop.”

“That’s it right?” You volume increases as your anger shows, “Are you fucking serious? When have I ever made you feel like you couldn’t trust me? When have I ever fucking left you?”

“Shut up.”

“No! And yeah your mom left you so you like, don’t trust girls I guess but god damn, Jungkook maybe it’s time to get over—”

“I said shut up!” Jungkook’s voice rises to a volume you have never experienced with him before.

“Have you tried looking for her?” you continue to speak, not realizing you are making everything worse.

“I know where she is.” He states, his nostrils flaring.

You flail your arms around, “Then go fucking talk to her.”

Jungkook looks at you with an unreadable expression, his shoulders to his ears and his fists balled up at his sides. He’s quiet. Too quiet. His breaths are beyond shaky and you finally notice it.

Jungkook’s eyes are glossed over and you think you may have gone too far. His lip begins trembling and he tries to speak but no words come out. He struggles to speak to you and it makes you blink at him like an idiot. Why can’t he speak?

“Jung—”

Jungkook lifts a hand up to stop you from talking any further. He inhales sharp breaths and releases shaky ones. His eyes are full of tears but none fall. He stares down at the ground just trying to do something as easy as breathing, but he falls short.

“Jung—”

“Please.” He croaks out. Jungkook walks to the couch and sits down, his head falling into his hands and you aren’t entirely sure at first but after a few moments you really realize…he is softly and quietly crying. Your Jungkook who never cries in front of anyone is sitting on his living room couch crying. You’re speechless. You also don’t know what to do. Do you try to comfort him? Do you leave him alone? But how could you leave him alone when he sits on his fucking living room couch sniffling away?

You hesitantly walk towards the sofa and take a seat next to him. He doesn’t lift his head to look at you, just continues crying into his hands. You don’t have to think about it, you reach your hand to rub soothing circles on his back and start whispering words of comfort in his ear.

Several moments pass when Jungkook finally lifts his head from his hands, but he still doesn’t look at you.

“Mom…” he clears his throat. “Mom didn’t just leave us. She left everything. She left me.”

“I know Jungkook…I’m sorry… I just lashed out on you, you can heal at your own pace and if she wants to see you again, she will.” You continue to rub his back.

“No, you don’t get it.” Jungkook murmurs. “Mom was hurting a lot. You know?” he begins to get choked up, his throat burning.

“Dad cheated, yes. But he was also neglectful of her and she was in a lot of pain,” he sniffs repeatedly, wiping his nose on his sleeve.

“She felt like she had no one, not even me.” Jungkook face scrunches up as he resists more tears.

“She couldn’t even rely on me.”

Fuck. You know where this is going. It is all starting to make sense.

“Mom killed herself when I was 16.” Jungkook finally says, his voice barely above a whisper, like he was too afraid to say it out loud. Like it made it more real.

“Dad didn’t take it well…he started drinking and I rarely saw him around…I had to take care of myself.” Jungkook finally lets the tears fall.

“I hated him. I still do.” Jungkook clenches his jaw.

You sit on the couch unable to comprehend what Jungkook has gone through. You feel like the biggest bitch alive. You forced your best friend to reopen his wounds in front of you and you had the audacity to pour salt in them.

“Jungkook I’m so—”

“Forget it.” He’s quick to cut you off. You stare at him with wide eyes, your own tears staining your cheeks.

“Please leave me alone for a while.” He whispers and immediately you stop him from rising from the couch.

“No!” you pull him back down. He doesn’t even resist, he falls back to your side and you lead his head to rest on your beating chest.

“I’m here for you, Jungkook.”

And that’s it. That’s what it took for Jungkook to scrunch and twist his face until more tears begin flowing out of his swollen eyes. He cries into your shirt, wetting the material.

“It’s okay, it’s okay.” You pat his head, your fingers weaving through his dark locks.

Jungkook cries like this for several minutes, until he’s wiping away his tears and snot with his shirt sleeve. He rises from your chest and looks at you with a painful expression.

“Today is mom’s birthday.” He admits.

Fuck.

“I went to her grave today…” he sniffles, “I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you before. It’s just…” he starts crying again, “Saying it out loud. Makes it real, don’t you think?” His face is swollen and puffy from his tears and you can’t stop your own tears from sliding down your cheeks.

“Jungkook, I’m so, so sorry.” You feel awful. You can’t even fathom what he has gone through…

“It’s okay, this was bound to happen eventually right?” he laughs awkwardly, snot still dripping from his nose.

“I shouldn’t have forced it out of you…God, I am so sorry.”

“I…” Jungkook’s eyes refill with tears as he tries to speak again, “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before, I really am. I tried so many times but I just couldn’t say it out loud. I just couldn’t.” The tears fall down his face once again, “I tried.” He begins to cry harder. “I really tried y/n.”

You heart breaks. This is a sight you never want to see again but if anyone has to see it you want it to be you.

“Baby…” you whisper. “I’m here. I’ll always be here.”

“You’d never leave me…right?” Jungkook chokes on his words as he speaks. “I couldn’t handle it.”

You shut your eyes as you think about what Jungkook has gone through. You think about why he’s been so closed off and why he has troubles with people sometimes—especially girls.

“I wouldn’t ever leave you.” You say in promise. “You’re too important to me.”

Jungkook’s face falls back into your chest, he cries into your shirt for several more minutes as you rub his back and play with his hair.

“Wasn’t I important to mom too?” You hear him whisper.

Your heart breaks even more.

“Of course you were, Jungkook.” You try to save, “I know she must have loved you a lot.”

“Then why?”

“She must of thought you were going to be strong enough without her…” Your fingers thread through his hair again, “And you are. But you know, you aren’t completely without her…” Your hand goes to his chest, over his beating heart.

“She’s here too, with you.”

And with that, Jungkook sobs harder. Like, it’s the first time he’s cried over this. And you wonder if it is. He’s gripping on to your shirt so tightly as he releases intense sob after the other. Your heart continues to fucking break.

“I’m here. I’m here.”

It’s been quiet the last 30 minutes, neither you nor Jungkook have spoken. He’s not even crying anymore, just lightly sniffling every now and then. You wonder if he has fallen asleep. You wouldn’t be surprised, all that crying will take out all the energy out of a person…

You lean your head down to get a look at Jungkook’s peaceful face…he is sleeping. You feel yourself relax as you continue to play with his hair. He needs the rest, you think.

You feel your own eye lids getting heavy and you let yourself fall asleep as well. Jungkook snuggles deeper into your side, his face nuzzling in your chest and you hold him tighter. You two sleep like this for many hours until you’re being woken up at the sound of the blender going.

The living room is lit up with sunlight and your eyes blink lazily. You realize Jungkook isn’t sleeping with you anymore and you start to panic. Where did he go? Then the blender goes off again and you decide to stand from the couch, even though your body feels so heavy.

Jungkook is in the kitchen when you walk over, he’s got his back turned to you and you creep up behind him.

“Boo.” You say, wrapping your arms around him.

“When will you realize that will never work on me?” Jungkook lightly chuckles, “Sorry to wake you up. I figure I could make us some fruit smoothies.” He turns around in your hold. You eye him up and notice how puffy his eyes are and you feel your heart drop.

“Fruit smoothie sounds delicious.” You squeeze him tighter and Jungkook laughs a wonderful laugh. It’s loud and full and filled with joy.

“Hug me back.”

Jungkook smiles down at you and circles his arms around your waist, “Sorry, sorry.”

You smile back up at him and lean your head on his body, he feels so warm it could melt you.

“About last night…” Jungkook begins pulling away from you, “I’m sorry I kind of…”

“You don’t have to apologize.” You cut in. “It’s my fault.”

“No y/n…I’m glad things happened the way they did. I actually feel so much better.” He admits, “Lighter, even.”

“Oh? Well, good. But I am still so fucking sorry.”

“It’s okay baby.” He goes back in to hug you tighter. You feel his strong arms hold on to you and you want to stay like this forever. You would if you could. But—

“Shit. What time is it?” You step back from him, digging in your pocket for your phone. “Holy hell, I’m going to be late for work.”

“Then get going. I’ll text you later?” Jungkook asks with hope filling his eyes.

“Yeah.” You smile.

~~~~~~

Work was lame as usual, nothing eventful happened. Yoongi must have been too busy at the shop today since he didn’t come in for cookies. You decide you will go see him at the record shop tomorrow but for now…you’re dealing with something else—someone else.

“Oh? You thought Trina wouldn’t tell me?” It’s Jimin. He’s sitting on the edge of your bed with a popsicle between his lips. “Huh Miss Hickeys?”

“Jimin.” You drag his name out, “It’s not a big deal!” you throw your hands up in exasperation. “We were just really drunk and it didn’t mean anything. Just two drunk idiots.”

“Idiots, for sure.” Jimin sucks on the tip of the popsicle while he speaks.

“Seriously, it isn’t a big deal. We’re both over it.”

“Are you? You like him and he…fuck, this is getting so ridiculous. Promise me, just promise me…you will tell him the truth? You might be sur—”

“Jimin, stop.”

Jimin huffs out a deep, long breath and rolls his eyes at you.

“No.” he says matter of fact. “I won’t stop until you two talk.”

“Anyway there’s something more important we need to talk about…” you begin, “He told me about his mom.”

Jimin’s expression goes from shocked to guilty. He takes a few moments to finish the popsicle, biting the last inch or two and throwing the stick in the trashcan.

“I know. He told me.”

“Oh.”

“He’s been wanting to tell you for a long time y/n…but he just—”

“I know. It must have been really hard for him…all this time…”

“Yeah.” Jimin bows his head, “Me and Tae are the only ones who know because we were friends with him when it happened. That’s the only reason why or else I’m not sure anyone would know.”

“Is that…is that Jungkook’s secret? That you three…”

Jimin’s eyes expand as he realizes what you are talking about.

“N-No.” He admits softly, “That’s something else. That’s something Jungkook will definitely have to tell you on his own and trust me if you guys just talked…”

You tilt your head in confusion. What’s the correlation?

“Anyway, Jimin has Jungkook ever cried to you? About it all?” you ask, curiosity getting the best of you.

“He didn’t even cry at the funeral y/n.”

Fuck. You had a feeling. But knowing for sure is a whole other thing. The way Jungkook broke down in front of you felt like it was his first time and maybe it was and that makes your heart ache.

“Did he…cry? In front of you?” Jimin asks, his voice barely above a whisper.

“Yeah…”

“Oh… he must really trust you.”

You only nod your head in response.

“If you guys just learned to communicate better…I’m really rooting for you two.”

Your heart swells at Jimin’s little confession and you nod your head again, this time with tears pricking at the corner of your eyes.

“Thanks Jimin.” Finally, you feel supported. And it makes you breathe just a little easier.

“I know things haven’t always been easy with you two ever since the Tae thing…but honestly this goes back even further. Doesn’t it?”

“Yeah. We…I don’t know what’s with us.” You chuckle bitterly.

“I do. And I am going to force you two to talk one of these days. I swear on it. I will give you guys some time but damn babe, this is just…” Jimin releases a long breath. “Just don’t give up, okay?”

“Can’t you just tell me?” you don’t mean to sound like you are begging but you kind of do.

“No. It’s truly truly not my place.”

“I can’t just assume what you are talking about, you know? I can’t hope for the best then get crushed. That’s too scary, Jimin.”

“I understand babe.” Jimin scoots closer to you until he’s within arms-reach and caresses your calve. “Just talk to him, please.”

“Too scary.”

“One of these days one of you will have the courage.”

~~~~~~

“And what could be in this little baggy of yours?” Yoongi grins, showing his wonderful gummy smile.

“I brought you 2 cookies Mister Oatmeal Raisin!” You shake the little bag in front of his face in a teasing manner and he chuckles.

“What did I do to deserve your kindness?” He takes the baggy from you and inspects both cookies. “You decided not to be bratty today?” he questions with a smile. “These cookies are perfect.”

You decided to visit the record shop today, on this fine afternoon. It’s one of those days where it’s cloudy and looks like it could rain but it never does. You love days like that.

“This place looks so nice!” you say, bobbing your head around to get a proper look.

“There’s a section where you can sit and drink coffee…it’s not much but its cozy. Wanna check it out?” Yoongi offers, gesturing towards the other side of the shop.

“Yeah.” You say, “Lead the way.”

He guides you to the other side of the shop next to a window. There’s a table for two and he’s right—it is cozy looking.

You sit down and wait for Yoongi as he fetches two coffees, which you are so excited about since you have a fucking addiction.

He sets a cup down in front of you and takes his seat.

“So any new happy moments in life? Anything new to be grateful for?”

“I—”

“That’s a trick question,” Yoongi’s eyes go small as he smiles widely, “There’s always new moments to be grateful for.”

You can’t help but laugh, you bring the steaming hot coffee to your mouth and you blow on the liquid multiple times before bringing it to your lips and taking a sip.

“Yes I guess so.” You smile.

“And what are they?”

“I’m grateful the sun is hiding today, I like the clouds a lot.”

“I love that.” Yoongi takes a sip of his own coffee. “What else?”

“I’m happy you brought me coffee.”

“I’m glad I somehow made it on your list of things.”

“What about you?” you ask.

“I’m grateful my A.C is working again!” he laughs, “It was actually broken for a couple days and I had like 5 fans plugged in around the place. I don’t think anyone wanted to come in here.”

“Oh no! Well, I’m glad it’s working!”

“How are things with your friend Jungkook? You guys were complicated last time I checked.”

You raise your brows in surprise that Yoongi would bring up Jungkook. But somehow you also aren’t surprised, it seems Yoongi takes a genuine interest in your life.

“We’re actually doing okay…” You bring the coffee back to your lips, taking another sip when—

“Have you told him your feelings yet?” Yoongi casually takes a gulp of coffee as you choke on yours.

“Excuse me?”

“Sorry…was that too forward?” Yoongi sets his cup down. “To be fair, you both are very obvious.

“What do you means us ‘both’?” You grab a napkin and wipe your chin where coffee dribbled.

“He clearly likes you too.” Yoongi stares at you as you stare back with a blank expression, and he laughs. “You two remind me of myself and someone I used to know.”

“Used to?”

“We were never on the same page…too many missed opportunities that it ruined anything we could have had.” Yoongi frowns for a split second before breaking out into a soft, gummy smile. “I’d hate to see that happen to you.”

“Yoongi—”

“But if it does then better for me?” he whispers with a smile in his voice.

“What do you mean by—”

“Oh. But he has a girlfriend, right?” Yoongi cuts you off with his question.

“Not exactly but basically…”

Vanessa. Your stomach drops at the mention of her and you hate it. Why does she have to have such a strong affect on you? Why does she even have to exist? You mean, she can exist but maybe not in your life—or Jungkook’s life.

Suddenly, the doors bell goes off with a ding and Yoongi is smiling brightly at whoever just walked in. You continue to sip your coffee not giving it much mind.

“Taehyung!” Yoongi shouts out, standing from his chair to wave over his friend.

Wait, Taehyung? He can’t mean the same Taehyung—

“y/n?”

Oh shit. You turn around in your seat and your face falls when you see him. Even on this cloudy day his skin is so golden like the sun is shining down on him, he looks bright and beautiful. As usual.

“Hi Taehyung.” You wave awkwardly. He can immediately tell how uncomfortable you are, his face deepening into a frown.

“I can come by later…” he offers to you.

“No, no. Don’t be ridiculous.” You try smiling but it’s quite tense.

Yoongi looks between you two and he points between your bodies.

“You two know each other?”

“We went to school together, had mutual friends blah blah blah.” You say.

Taehyung only agrees with the nod of his head. Yoongi blinks at your two and opens his mouth to say ‘Ah.’ And heads to the back for another cup of coffee.

“How have you been y/n?” Taehyung asks awkwardly, he shifts from one foot to the other as he stands here.

“Pretty good, I think.”

“You think?” he chuckles. “Hey, sorry if my texts bother you…”

“They don’t.” you say honestly. “Sorry I don’t always reply.”

“It’s okay, I understand. How’s…Jungkook?” Taehyung eyes shoot down to the floor. “He doesn’t answer my texts either. It really hurts to see years of friendship go down the drain…”

“He’s mad at you Tae,” You begin, “But I think one of these days he will chill out.” You laugh and this makes Taehyung ease up.

“He really fucking loves you.”

“Well we are best friends… sort of.”

“Sort of?”

“We kind of stopped talking for a little while but we’re back to being friends.” You try explaining but Yoongi is walking back in with a cup of coffee in hand. He hands it to Taehyung, which he accepts gratefully.

“You’re here for that new Jazz mix record, right? I have it behind the counter for you.” Yoongi says to Taehyung and Taehyung only gives him a thumbs up. He eyes you curiously, wondering what the hell happened between you and Jungkook.

“I have to get back to work boys!” You stand from the table, “Thanks for the coffee Yoongs”

Yoongi smiles at the new nickname.

“And maybe I’ll see you around, Tae?”

“Yeah.” Taehyung gives you his signature boxy grins and you feel like maybe things all around are getting better. Just maybe.

~~~~~

Jungkook has his hands knotted in Vanessa’s hair as she chokes on his cock, her lips wrapped around it fully.

“Fuck.” Jungkook whines out, “I’m so close.”

Vanessa only moans in response, she continues to bob her head up and down on his dick making his orgasm approach quickly.

“Gonna come, gonna come.”

And he does, he comes down her throat and she swallows it all perfectly. Only a drop or two left behind on her lips which she quickly wipes away with her fingers.

Vanessa stands to her feet and Jungkook pulls her in for a quick kiss.

“That was good…” he says, somewhat out of breath.

“Glad.” She says smoothly, going in for another kiss. This time she lingers, her lips lasting for a moment longer on his.

Vanessa’s fingers brush against his neck, she traces the outline of one last bruise left on the side below his ear.

“Did you think I wouldn’t notice?” she smiles coyly. “You two sure are weird.” She says flatly.

“Vanessa…”

“It’s fine. I know you know I still see him. It’s not like we agreed to be exclusive.” She taps her skinny fingers on his chest.

“But we are trying aren’t we? To make this work?”

“You aren’t trying very hard, are you?” the amusement in her voice doesn’t go unnoticed by Jungkook.

“He cheated on you, Vanessa. Why are you still seeing him? I thought you said he has a girlfriend now?”

Vanessa pauses her tapping on his chest, her eyes go wide for a second. Like, for a second she wasn’t void of emotion.

“He does.” She says smoothly before she begins tapping her fingers against his chest again.

“He cheated on me with this girl.” She admits, “Little does this bitch know—”

“Is that healthy? Getting revenge?” Jungkook asks, concern lacing his voice.

Vanessa continues to tap her fingers as she narrows her eyes at Jungkook.

“You want to talk to me about what’s healthy?” her empty laugh fills the room.

“I want you to stop.” Jungkook’s hands go to her hips, “Let’s be exclusive, Vanessa.”

“I can’t stop…” she whispers softly, “I can’t let go.”

Jungkook observes Vanessa for a few moments, she looks as vulnerable as she did the first time she talked about her ex with him. He feels sorry for her. He really does want her to move on, for her own sake.

“You can move forward, Vanessa. You have me.”

Vanessa looks into his eyes, studying his serious expression. She can tell he means well but…she doesn’t have him. She never will.

“Please Vanessa, we can make this work.” He begs, yes begs.

Vanessa tilts her head to the side. Oh? This must be his desperation talking, she thinks. His desperation to get over you. She knows this. And she doesn’t hold it against him and instead she decides to help him.

“Okay, let’s make this work.”

~~~~~~~

y/n 8:09pm

On a scale of 1-10 how bad do you wanna watch spirited away right now?

Jungkook 8:15pm

11 girl don’t play

y/n 8:16pm

I thought so, I think this means you need to come over and watch it w meeee

Jungkook 8:20pm

Lemme shower and I’ll be over:)

y/n 8:22pm

Bring beer pllllssss

Jungkook 8:42pm

On my way

y/n 8:45pm

Drive safe bb

It’s around 9pm exactly when you hear soft knocking on the front door. You scurry towards the door and open it, finding Jungkook on the other side. He is wearing your favorite gray puma sweat suit and his hair is wavy and damp. He smiles at you when he sees you eyeing him up and down.

“Like what you see?” he teases.

“Wow, what a classic line Jungkook. Real original.” You scoff, letting the boy through.

Jungkook walks in, setting down a case of beer on the breakfast table.

“I brought our favorite.” He gestures towards the beer on the table. “Let’s drink it while it’s nice and chilly.”

“Agreed. I already have the movie set up.” You point towards the T.V “Ready for our viewing pleasure.”

“Where’s Holly?” Jungkook takes two beers from the case, handing one over to you.

“Her and Trina went out to some bar, I didn’t feel like going.” You take the beer and twist off the cap, Jungkook does the same. You two clank the bottles together in cheers and take a few sips.

“Ah.” You say, the refreshing beer making you feel well, refreshed.

“Because you don’t feel like going to a bar? Or because you would rather hang out with me?” Jungkook smirks, taking another sip of his beer.

“Because I didn’t feel like getting pretty.” You bring the beer to your lips, but you don’t drink from the bottle, just waiting for a response instead.

“You’re always pretty.”

You take a sip of the beer, feeling satisfied with his response. “I know.” You half joke.

“Let’s go to a bar.” Jungkook blurts out.

“W-What?”

“Let’s go in our lounge clothes.” He smiles, “Let’s just do it.”

“No!” you laugh out, “We look like slobs. Well, I do. You look…” your hand motions towards his body, “You know, you look…”

“Are you trying to say I’m hot, y/n?” Jungkook’s sly smile grows as he drinks his beer.

“You know what I mean.” You huff out.

“Well, I think the same of you. So let’s go.”

You can’t help but laugh, you continue to drink your beer back, the liquid settling nicely.

“Okay. Fuck it, let’s do it.” You can’t help but grin, the idea of going to a bar in yoga pants and a t shirt with your sort of best friend sounds so great to you.

“But maybe a little makeup…” Jungkook starts chuckling as you hit his arm with your fist.

“Shut up.”

The bar is mostly pretty casual, maybe not as casual as you and Jungkook but still casual.

Only a small handful of people are actually dressed nicely, but mostly are in jeans and nice shirts. Somehow Jungkook is still the hottest guy here. Even in his sweat suit. You’re surprised you two even got let in, does this place not have some sort of dress code? Guess not.

It’s pretty loud inside, the place has a live band and a decent dance floor. You and Jungkook head towards the bar and take your seats.

The bartender takes a few minutes to reach you two and when she does she automatically nods at Jungkook for his order.

“Two long islands please.” He says, he smirks towards you and you smile back. Long islands? Oh you’re getting drunk drunk tonight.

“You got it.” She smiles at him with all her teeth, and turns around to start mixing the drinks.

“Long islands, huh?” you rest your head in your hand on the bar top.

“I figure neither of us are driving tonight, we might as well go hard.” Jungkook smiles at you. “I’ll buy this first round?”

“Sounds good to me.” You bump fists with Jungkook with a wide smile. “Wanna make a bet?”

“What’s that?” Jungkook quirks a brow at you.

“I bet you $5 that by the end of the night the bartender will hit on you.”

“But I also bet $5 that the bartender will hit on me.” Jungkook pouts.

You stare at him in disbelief at his cockiness and you burst out into giggles.

“Fair enough.” You say between laughs.

The bartender slides two drinks to you and Jungkook, she twists and twirls her hair in her fingers as she asks Jungkook how it tastes. He takes a sip and gives her a thumbs up, you can’t help but snicker.

“Can we also get two tequila shots?” you wave at the bartender. She turns to face you and frowns.

“Sure.” She puts on a fake smile and turns to fill up two shot glasses with tequila. She sets them in front of you a Jungkook and tells you the amount due.

“Tequila shots? Are we trying to fucking die tonight?” Jungkook chuckles from beside you. He grabs two limes and hands you one.

“To us.” You say, lifting your shot in the air.

“To you.” Jungkook whispers as you clank glasses and throw back the shots.

Holy shit, you are fucking wasted. After several tequila shots and a few long islands you and Jungkook are barely holding on. Okay, fine. It’s not that bad. But you guys are really drunk!

His hand hasn’t left your waist for hours, and it feels so fucking nice. It feels perfect. It feels right.

“y/n?” a voice calls out to you. You know this voice, really well in fact.

“Taehyung!” you cheer. You stumble forward and go in for a high five and his drunk ass high fives you back.

“Fancy seeing you again.” You giggle.

Jungkook’s hand grips your waist tighter as he narrows his eyes at Taehyung.

“What do you mean again?” Jungkook asks, his voice low.

“We ran into each other at my friend Yoongi’s” you slur out.

“Hi Jungkookie.” Taehyung awkwardly sways back and forth, his words also slurred. It’s obvious he’s on the same level as drunk as you.

“…Hey.” Jungkook hesitates to respond, he looks between you two. “y/n…is this okay? Talking to him?”

“Hm? Oh? Yeah.” You stare at Jungkook blankly. Why wouldn’t it be, you think.

“Jungkook, maybe we could talk just the two of us?”

You look between the boys and somehow you feel yourself sobering up just a bit.

“Uh. I’ll go to the bathroom.” You say, already walking away.

“You know how sorry I feel.” Taehyung begins, “About everything.”

“What’s everything?” Jungkook mumbles under his breath.

“I’m sorry for what I did to y/n. But I am also sorry for holding your secret over you like that to keep mine.”

“Yeah,” Jungkook slurs out, “That was fucked up.”

“I miss you guys…” Taehyung takes a sip of his drink, “Even Jimin barely talks to me.”

“Shouldn’t have messed with our girl.”

“You mean, your girl.” Taehyung drunkenly corrects Jungkook.

“Whatever.”

“Seriously man, when are you just going to grow the fucking balls?” Taehyung raises his voice just a bit, “It’s clear how you both feel—”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about man, plus I have a girlfriend now—”

“You guys are official now?” You walk up to the boys, cutting in. You feel like maybe he’s just saying that.

“y/n…yeah, we just made it official.” Jungkook admits, running a hand through his hair, sighing out in frustration.

Oh. You feel your heart begin to crumble. They’re dating for real now?

“Do you have feelings for her?” You blurt out.

Jungkook shifts from one foot to another, he breathes in and out in and out. He bites on his bottom lip, thinking of how to respond.

“I don’t know what to say to that.”

Well, at least he’s honest.

“Well, I’m going to head back to my friends…” Taehyung butts in awkwardly. “It was nice seeing you two.” And with that he’s slipping away in the crowd.

“Wanna dance?” you say, trying your best to change the subject. You decide you don’t want to know his answer.

“Sure.” Jungkook smiles at you, he reaches for your hand and you squeeze his tightly. You guide him to the dance floor, the song is a slow one. You two look at one another but there’s nothing awkward about this. He guides your arms to wrap around his neck and his hands circle around your waist, he pulls you in close as you two sway to the music.

“Never go 3 months without me again.” You whisper into his neck.

“W-Why are you bringing that up now?”

“I have to keep my eyes on you, Jungkook. Without my supervision you go off and get yourself a girlfriend.” Your drunken words pierce his heart.

“Is that a problem?” He whispers back. “Yes, a big problem.” You lean back to get a look at his face, he’s already staring down at you, he somehow brings you in even closer.

“Whys that?” He breathes out.

“Want you all for myself.” You admit, drunk words are sober thoughts right?

“You want me baby?” Jungkook leans down until he’s so close, like he cannot control it.

“Yes.” You blink up at him, your lips parted.

The song changes but you two continue to dance like it’s a slow song.

“I bet you $5 that some guy will hit on you in the next couple of minutes.”

You tilt your head and drunkenly giggle, “I highly doubt that.”

Jungkook reaches in his back pocket and hands you a five dollar bill.

“What’s this f—”

“You’re so fucking beautiful” and then his lips are just a mere inch away from yours before he’s pulling back with a look of horror and guilt plastered on his face.

“I—I’m sorry, I don’t know what’s gotten into me. I’m with Vanessa now. I’m just drunk. I’m really drunk. You’re really drunk. We don’t know what we’re doing.” He drunkenly rambles.

You feel your heart sink down into your lower belly, you feel it crack and break into a million pieces. That’s right. Vanessa. He’s making it work with that girl.

“Yeah, it’s okay.”

“You’re my best friend y/n.” Jungkook slurs out, “I’m trying so hard not to ruin that.”

You only nod your head.

“Let’s go home.” You say.

~~~~~~

Your bed is comfy as ever, especially this drunk. Jungkook takes his shirt off and slips into the sheets, settling next to you.

“Wanna cuddle?” he offers.

“I don’t know if Vanessa would like that.” You slur.

“Right.” Jungkook lays on his back, his arms folding beneath his head. “Should I sleep in the living room?”

“No. I want you here.” You admit between soft breaths. “I always want you here.” You yawn out.

“Good.” Jungkook reaches out to hold you, “I don’t think Vanessa will mind if I cuddle my best friend for just five minutes.”

“Five minutes only” you tease. You shuffle closer to him, his warmth escaping his body and clinging to yours.

You two fall asleep like this. Morning comes slowly, like the world is giving you a chance to really appreciate one another’s company. Like the world knows that moments like this are so hard to come by. Like the world knows that you two need this.

When you wake up the next day, its half past noon. You’re still in Jungkook’s arms while he is dead asleep. You nuzzle into his chest and thank the world for giving you this moment. This moment to embrace him like he is yours, a moment to kiss his cheek like he is yours, a moment to whisper you love him like he is yours.

But he isn’t. He isn’t yours and that’s the reality. But you thank the world nonetheless. Because you need these moments to stay sane. But how do you two always end up like this? Can you keep blaming the alcohol? He tried to kiss you last night and that’s also the reality.

Jungkook wanted to kiss you. Can he keep saying it’s just because he’s drunk?

But he’s with Vanessa now and you have to respect that. And you will respect that.

You thank the world though, that right now he’s in your arms, breathing your air, and sharing this moment. Just you and him.

Finally, after another half hour Jungkook begins to stir in his sleep.

You stare at him as he wakes up and his sleepy eyes find yours.

“G’morning.” His voice is low and raspy and you want to swoon.

“Hi.”

“We…” he looks between your bodies. “Didn’t do anything, right?”

You feel your chest tighten, “No, Jungkook.” You answer calmly.

“Okay…” Jungkook frowns, “We can’t keep doing this, can we?”

Somehow you know exactly what he’s talking about, you can’t keep building this tension between you two. It goes nowhere.

“No” You admit softly, “We can’t.”

You think about Jimin’s words…could Jungkook…? But you don’t want to jump to happy conclusions, put yourself out there and then be wrong. But he tried to fucking kiss you. The girls were right, is this really all for you? You can’t keep doing this. It’s not good for you. “We really can’t.” you say again.

Jungkook smiles, but its soft and sad and makes you want to kiss his pouting lips until he shows you a real smile but you can’t.

“I’m sorry about last night.” Jungkook moves to his back, he stares up at the ceiling.

“I was just really drunk.” He continues, “Drunk me is wild.” He chuckles awkwardly.

“Is that really an excuse anymore?” you feel brave enough to say.

“y/n…”

“Forget it. We’re okay.”

“Are we?” Jungkook moves back to his side, facing you. He gives you a troubled look and you melt. Why are you always melting because of this man?

“Yeah. What’s more important is that your birthday is next week…”

“Oh yeah.”

“Can I be in charge of your party?”

“I don’t want a party, just a couple of friends.”

“Let me host it!”

“Okay, fine.” Jungkook smiles, “I can’t wait.”

“Do I have to invite Vanessa?”

“y/n.” Jungkook groans.

“Kidding!” you sing. Although, you aren’t entirely sure that you’re just kidding.

“It would be nice if you could plan this with Vanessa actually…she mentioned wanting to do something nice for my birthday too.” He sort of whispers out, like he didn’t want you to actually hear.

“Oh.” You aren’t sure what to say. You obviously don’t want co-host a get together with Vanessa but she is his girlfriend after all.

“Fine.”

You and Vanessa? Let’s see how this goes.

[a-timeless-love]

Scorpion 3x12: Ice Ca-Cabes

Everything is back to normal. Scorpion is back to the original roster and they have a case to handle.

While prepping for the mission of the week, the geniuses are inspired to make a curling pond and have some silly fun playing against each other - Toby and Walter versus Happy and Sylvester.

While playing, they discuss how the loss of Tim in the last episode isn’t much of a loss at all. Walter informs his team, “Everyone on Scorpion is replaceable.”

“There are other top mathematicians, behaviorists, engineers. We could find a younger and stronger federal agent. And truth be told, there are three people with higher IQs than mine, four including Ralph. So my point is that we are all substitutable parts of a machine.”

Great pep talk coach. Suddenly, everyone on team Scorpion wonders if their job is in jeopardy.

Scorpion heads to the middle of the desert for their job of the day. While at the job site, a turbine the team is inspecting explodes! Due to the velocity and friction, a shard of copper snaps off! The small piece of shrapnel slices through Cabe’s abdominal aorta, causing him to fall to the ground bleeding out.

Cabe is dying.

His mouth and entire face are turning blue.

Cabe is like a dad to everyone on team Scorpion and they are all his children, even if their biological parents are still alive.

Just earlier that day, Cabe presented Happy with his mom’s gorgeous golden brooch, encrusted with rubies and diamonds, which his mom wore on her wedding day. He figured Happy could wear it on her wedding day as a part of that “something old, new, borrowed, blue” tradition. She loved it. He did such a fatherly act, probably the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for her, just to thank her for letting him stay with her while he had some work done on his home.

Cabe is the best dad anyone on this team of orphans and neglected has ever had.

The team of geniuses devises a plan to save Cabe. In order for Cabe to live, they have to kill him. Happy and Toby are going to freeze him, make a “Cabescle,” so his heart stops beating and flowing blood out his torn aorta long enough for Toby to patch, or glue, it back up. Toby is less than confident he can do it though. The last time he did vascular surgery was on a cadaver in medical school. So Cabe gives him one last pep talk, telling him, “Doc, you can do it.” Toby comes back swinging, saying, “You’re damn right I can.” Walking down memory lane, he assures Cabe, “You were in my corner when you taught me how to box. I’m gonna be in your corner now.” 

Then, once Cabe’s wound is mended, they’ll use snake venom from a rattlesnake Sylvester catches to thin Cabe’s blood. If Cabe unfreezes and there’s a blood clot in this heart it’ll kill him. Finally, after warming Cabe up and thinning his blood, they will wake him back up by injecting his lungs with hydrogen sulfide Walter and Paige will retrieve from a nearby hot springs. There is a five percent chance Cabe lives through all of this. It’s a long shot, but, as Toby the gambler informs them, “sometimes a long shot is all you have to bet on.”

If it doesn’t work, Cabe dies.

Before Toby freezes Cabe, they all say goodbye to their dad. Happy reminds him they still have to finish their game of Stratego, Paige begs him to not leave her alone as the only normal on a team of geniuses, emotionless Walter tells Cabe it’s been a pleasure working with him, and Toby promises Cabe he’s going to do everything in his ability to bring Cabe back, that he won’t let him down.

Cabe assures Toby that if he can’t bring him back to life, it’s not his fault. He does his best to ensure Toby won’t blame himself if he dies at his hands, because he knows Toby would.

Before freezing to death, Cabe says one last thing – “I trust you kids.” If Cabe dies, his last words will have been “I trust you kids.”

In order to freeze Cabe to death, Happy needs the engine of her truck up and running, but she doesn’t think it can handle the heat of the desert. When it doesn’t and dies, she and Toby bicker like an old married couple.

Toby screams, “What the hell, Happy?!” Happy yells back, “What do you think I’m about to do?! I’m working on it! …I’m working on it!” He even yells positives at her like, “You can fix anything!”

Toby believes in Happy, but if Cabe dies because of a decision they made together, where the fault lies mostly on her…

After eventually successfully working together to  freeze and patch up Cabe, Toby kisses Happy on the forehead and tells her, “I’m really proud of you.”

As angsty as I am about no actual kisses on the lips since I can’t even remember when (they didn’t even kiss when they got engaged!), I have to admit that forehead kiss is a really cute and sweet moment.

But I need a kiss on the lips!

Toby even jokes, after Happy spits out gasoline, “you kiss me with that mouth?!”

Ok, so they didn’t kiss on the lips in this episode, but there are still a lot of really nice, small scenes between them. For instance, they drive to the work site alone, in Happy’s truck, while everyone else is in Paige’s car. I’d love to see a fanfiction written about that!

Plus, Happy recognizes she’s becoming like Toby and starting to sound like him when she asks Cabe, “Isn’t that the cutie that’s hot for your booty?”

As much as I am as dehydrated on their kisses as they all are in the desert, it’s nice to see Quintis being such a fucking couple!

Make no mistake, whenever Quintis kiss next, I’m gonna be screaming & cheering & running around the room punching my fists in the air!!!

For now, I’ll just have to hold out for an actual kiss. But they cannot kiss only once this season!

The only other thing I’d like to see is Happy opening up with Toby more. She is opening up with everyone this season, except for him. Earlier in the season, when she thought she was pregnant, she and Walter had a heart to heart about how she was going to be in a good mom. At Christmas time, she told Sly she likes him and his personality just the way he is. Now she’s calling Cabe her friend and is sad that he’s is moving out of her apartment, because she doesn’t want him to leave. Even though that now means she can move in with Toby, her fiancé. Happy is making progress, but when will that progress make it home with her?

What is it going to take for her to open up to her fiancé that way? Why is she still so closed off to him when they should be the closest? Is being vulnerable with him really all too much?

While driving to the hot springs, Walter and Paige have a fight in the car. She tells him, “Toby has a shot at saving a man who’s bleeding to death in the middle of the desert, but I don’t know if there’s a cure for what you have. For all I know you’re suffering an intense inner turmoil over Cabe potentially dying or you truly feel nothing. I want to help you Walter, but I don’t know if you can be helped and that makes me so sad.”

Walter is so confused as to why Paige is acting so cold toward him, but if she weren’t pissed off at him it’d be even more questionable. Her boyfriend just left to take a job in the Middle East and it’s all Walter’s fault. Of course there is going to be tension between them and not the good kind of tension either.

To make matters even more awkward, the springs they pull up to are “nudists only.” Paige is initially so nervous, but, to save Cabe’s life, she just starts stripping, telling Walter, “get nude genius boy!”

Once Walter and Paige are back with the strong gas, they pass it into Cabe’s lungs, fully expecting him to wake up. But, don’t celebrate too soon, because nothing happens. He’s unresponsive.

Cabe is dead.

Their only chance of getting Cabe’s heart going again is the application of an electrical current. So, in the water they froze Cabe in, the guys drown Cabe while Happy throws the toaster, or fan, in the bathtub with him, electrocuting him back to life.

Cabe comes back!

Soon after, the helicopter arrives to transport Cabe to the hospital. The medical personnel tell Walter, due to liability, only family can fly along in the helicopter. Walter informs her, matter-of-factly, “I am family. He’s my father.”

Walter gets in the helicopter and they fly to the hospital, where father and son tell each other they love each other. “We could find another federal agent, but we couldn’t find another Cabe Gallo…. I love you, Cabe. I love you,” Walter says. Cabe tells him, “I love you too, son.”

Overall:

It’s Scorpion, so no one is going to die, they’re not going to kill anyone off, but the creators did a really good job of producing fear and worry over whether Cabe would live or die in this episode! I really thought, after the episode, Robert Patrick was going to tweet “This was my last episode of Scorpion.” I mean, they did actually kill him for a good while; they just also brought him back! Can’t say people don’t come back from the dead on Scorpion! Have to wonder though, if Tim had been there, would that piece of shrapnel still have struck Cabe? Sly did say, “Tim was integral to 29% of our cases. No small loss.” Just something to chew over while waiting to see what happens next!

Best Performance:

Eddie Kaye Thomas! This was seriously Eddie's time to shine! Having to act like he’s got his hand inside a man, while delivering long lines containing big science-y terms, all while having to convey emotion over his dying friend and mentor? Shit, he was so good! Why is he so good?! He’s really good at the comedy, but he’s still equally good at the drama! He can make me laugh so hard I cry and cry so hard I laugh! Eddie seriously needs to get on at least one social media website so I can bombard him with messages about how good of an actor he is!

Best Dressed:

Should Quintis have a Hawaiian wedding, or honeymoon? Pull these Hawaiian shirts back out of the closet?

Best Lines:

Sly: I call shmockery! Toby: No sham. No mockery.

Toby: If the rule books don’t explicitly forbid it, anything is legal.

Walter: Winner winner, fermented fish dinner!

Cabe: You guys are distracted too easily. Toby: Hazard of busy minds.

Toby: What are you so smug about? Machine did all the work. Happy: Yup, and I built the machine.

Toby: How do you screw up a donut?!

Walter: I calculated that you wouldn’t be angry at me. My calculations were off, weren’t they? Paige: Just a bit.

Cabe: I love Italian food! With a last name like Gallo, how could I not?!

Happy: She was begging you to take her to that Italian joint! Cabe: No. Pretty sure that was just a conversation between two adults. Paige: Alright adults, let’s hit it. Cabe, she wanted you to ask her out. You suck at girls.

Cabe: Speaking of cold travels, Paige didn’t say a word the entire drive out here. She’s pissed.

Cabe: As the federal agent assigned to oversee this federal job I will observe from this chair with my eyes closed, while I enjoy iced coffee in the sunshine.

Cabe: Middle of the desert and I still felt that cold front.

Toby: Turbine’s hot, so are you by the way. Love that rubber boot, mechanic outfit combo. Happy: Let me guess, save it for the honeymoon? Toby: If you could.

Toby: A little personal and a lot of gross.

Toby: Wearing Cabe on my hand like a puppet.

Cabe (to Walter): Help me.

Toby: They taught us at Harvard that stopping the heart is actually bad for the patient, something about the brain needing oxygen.

Sly: For Cabe, I will catch one (rattlesnake) with my bare hands. Happy, can I borrow your pliers to pick it up?.

Happy (to Sly): You’ve got an IQ over 180. You can outsmart a snake.

Toby: Why did science have to make water so heavy?

Happy: These boots were made for walking, not pumping. Toby: A joke from Happy in a tense situation? You must be really scared. Happy: You’re not? Toby: I’m scared to death, Cabe’s death.

Sly: I’m going to use sensory jujitsu to lure this reptile out of its nook and then nab it. Happy: I’m gonna use real jujitsu on you if you don’t get that rattler!

Sly (impersonaing a snake): I’m full of iron and proteins. Num-num.

Sly: It seems the daddy snake is up here with me.

Toby: He doesn’t feel like talking. Well, he does seem a little blue.

Happy: That’s so gross.

Happy: You know how I am about blood. Toby: I do. Now, how are you about your friends dying?!

Toby (to Happy): It’s just like putting your hand inside of a pumpkin, but instead of a pumpkin your hand’s inside Cabe’s body cavity.

Toby (to Happy): Remove your paw from the federal agent.

Toby (to Happy): I’d fist bump you, but our hands are covered in guts.

Security: I’ve heard every story in the book from perverts that want to get all sneaky-peaky without undressing themselves.

Sly: Take it (snake) away from me! Take it far away from me, please! Happy: I gotta be honest. I didn’t think you’d catch one of these critters. Sly: That thing is untrustworthy! He snuck up on me! You’re a rattlesnake! Use your rattle!

Sly: You’re gonna let it bite Cabe? Toby: No. They’re gonna kiss.

Toby: It’s kinda messed up to force a snake to bite your friend!

Toby: Diamondback bastard.

Happy: Vitamin rattlesnake.

Paige (while naked): That dude’s trying to get a peek at my… bubbles.

Walter: You may notice a mild tingling sensation. That’s just the weak electrical current stimulating nerve endings. Paige: Great. Didn’t think this could get more awkward.

Walter: You can really feel the tingling, can’t you? Paige: Just stop talking.

Happy: Mesquite will strengthen the flame. Toby: And give Cabe a nice smoky flavor.

Paige: Tank full of stinky gas.

Toby: Happy, pass that gas…. Oh, that’s strong.

Toby: Come on Cabe, you gotta come back!

Paige: Please don’t let this happen.

Happy: You’re gonna leave me after we become friends?! …I swear to God, if you die, I will not wear that pin just to piss you off!

Cabe: Oh man, heaven’s full of nerds.

Cabe: I think I’ll try to avoid ice for a while.

Happy: You might hear that I yelled at you a lot when you were dead. I was just motivating you.

Paige: I can’t decipher you. Just when I’m sure you’re an android, you’re not. Walter: I know you get frustrated when I take steps back, but I don’t mean to. I just do. There are parts of my brain that work worse than others.

Happy: I’m fine with it, but I’m reserving final approval until I determine whether she’s good enough for you.

Cabe: Maybe I’ll wear one of those Hawaiin shirts on our date. Sly: Bad idea.

Happy: We’re in these nightmares because our clothes are wet and sunbaked at the same time.

Toby: Holy skinny-dips! You went to a nudist spring! You two saw each other’s parts! Walter: We did what we had to do to save Cabe. Paige: It was very professional. Happy: And naked. Sly: It was so sunny out there. You could’ve burned your schmeckle. Walter: Now I wish I got hit with the shrapnel. Toby: Well, uh, I’m gonna go to Kovelsky’s. Get some food. Hey, Walter, Paige, can I get you guys anything? Melons and sausages? Cantalopes and weiners? Paige: I will kill you. Toby: Tater tots and salami?

Cabe: I had to die for an hour to finally get some peace and quiet from you guys.

Next, on Scorpion: ???

[lorrainecparker]

ART OF THE CUT with Oscar Winner Alan Heim, ACE

Alan Heim is the former President of American Cinema Editors and is the current President of the Motion Picture Editors Guild. His first gig as a picture editor was The Sea Gull (1968). He has edited for a slew of the best directors in the business, including Sidney Lumet, Mel Brooks, Bob Fosse, John Hughes, Milos Forman, Barbra Steisand, Tony Kaye, and Nick Cassavetes. Heim is an Oscar winner for Best Editing for All that Jazz and was nominated for an Oscar for Network. He also won or was nominated for several ACE Eddies and Emmys.

(Normally I am careful to clear all photographs and image in my articles, being careful to credit photographers and copyright holders when necessary. In this article, most images are pulled from the internet. If you own the rights to one of these images and wish me to pull it or credit it, let me know.)

HULLFISH: Was the last thing you cut a documentary? Or have you cut any documentaries?

HEIM: I have but the last thing I edited was a film about Hank Williams about a year and a half ago (I Saw the Light) which I had a great time on actually. It was picked up by a distributing company sight unseen which is very unusual. From the beginning, I said the cut is too long. I was hired late because the original editor never started the film due to an injury, but by that time it was five weeks into the production and I was way behind. They finished shooting around Christmas and I finished and I called the director and I said I think the film is really terrific but it’s three hours and 20 minutes long. He said, “no problem.” Well, we never got it short enough and it’s partly the pacing. I know a lot of people who saw it and really thought it was wonderful. On the other hand people say it was too long. So we finally went back into the cutting room and took out about 10 minutes which was not enough but it was a lovely movie, and if that’s going to be my last movie, I don’t mind at all.

HULLFISH: One of things that brings up to me is the social engineering aspect of being an editor. How do you deal with the director in knowing when to push harder or to know that you can’t push too hard?

HEIM: Don’t get me started.

HULLFISH: The whole point of this interview is to get you started.

HEIM: (laughs) One of the things you have to realize about being an editor is it’s two thirds psychological, maybe more. You are between the director’s vision and idea of what he shot and what he really shot. You are the conscience of the director in a way. So there’s no point in being dishonest with directors because two things will happen: They’ll either dismiss you – I don’t mean “get fired” but they’ll just not listen, or it’ll just start off on a nasty foot. So you just try and protect the director. Look, I don’t want to seem particularly vain about it because I don’t have the right answer half the time either, but the director usually thinks that they’ve got it. They’ve nailed the shot. They’ve nailed the scene. And they often don’t. And to be able to turn the director and let him see your vision is incredibly important. Fosse (director, Bob Fosse) referred to me as his collaborator and I think that’s just the best compliment coming from a guy like Fosse.

Director Bob Fosse on the set of All That Jazz

He also said I was his conscience because everybody wants to get that last little frame of what they think is wonderful, but maybe it’s the frame before. As an editor, you have to be kind of neutral. You have to be a neutral observer. You have to protect the material. You have to protect the actors and sometimes you have to protect the director from his own instinct, or from the producer. That’s a situation that can be unpleasant.

HULLFISH: I haven’t had that problem before. Sounds like a precarious position.

HEIM: You learn things. Even test screenings. You learn something if you listen. You’re always learning. That’s what I love about the business. I was cutting a pilot and a friend was down the hall cutting a series for HBO and I walked by her room and I see a couple of three people outside the suite in suits. It’s cliche but they were… and I poked my head in and said, “So are you getting a lot of notes?” And she said, “I told them the other day that if they are going to give me notes they have to go outside the room write down the notes.”

I was on a movie called Grey Gardens – we were ready to show the film to the head of the studio – Colin Callendar – and Colin was not available so our producers kept sending this stuff back up to HBO for notes, but there was no way the people at HBO had the authority to give notes so at a certain point, I said, “I really don’t want to fight with this anymore.” and Lee Percy came on and he finished it and we had a shared credit. I think Lee’s finished two movies that I started on… maybe the other way around.  Notes: Sometimes they’re good and sometimes they’re bad.

HULLFISH: You mentioned screenings, and sometimes the notes from them can be strange from audience members, but there’s a tremendous value to just being in the screening and feeling things in a different way with a real audience, right?

HEIM: I did a really bad comedy called Beer years ago, and Bob Chartoff was the producer, of Chartoff/Winkler, the Rocky pictures. He and Winkler had broken up and I knew this was a bad movie, but I wanted it to work. And I figured Chartoff would be interesting. So we had a screening for Orion Pictures, they were our producers, and I kept telling the director and Chartoff that the film had no ending. It was kind of a disaster. There was a lot of funny stuff in it but for no reason and it got mean at the end, really mean-spirited. So we had this meeting and the director, Patrick Kelly, who was well over six feet tall and enormous. He is the kind of guy who wears sandals in the winter, you know, an American flag bandana down around his head, very tall. And Chartoff was a very tall thin man and Chartoff was sitting next to me at the screening and the audience absolutely loved the movie for about 50 minutes maybe an hour and Chartoff, every time there was a big laugh, he would give me a shot in the ribs, which I probably still have bruises from. And he would say, “See?” and I would say, “Wait.” And at the end of the movie we all wanted to crawl out of the theater. Two of the screening cards – which I kept for a long time – somebody had added an extra column after good, fair, poor: they’d added “shit” and checked it off all the way down. On another card, the card asked: “What did you learn from this movie?” – It was a comedy for God’s sake – and somebody wrote: “Don’t ever take free tickets to a movie.”

HULLFISH: OK, let’s go a little more highbrow. Let’s talk All that Jazz. I was talking to Dody Dorn about how much she loved the famous pencil snap with no sound as – spoiler alert – as the Joe Gideon character has a heart attack. Can you talk me through that?

Roy Scheider as Joe Gideon in All That Jazz

HEIM All the actors sitting around doing the table read, they were being cued to laugh. And it wasn’t very good so Bob got in a comic for the second day of shooting. Everything took a long time on that movie. Bob got in a comic and that guy was actually telling jokes and that didn’t work either. And it just seemed like we had a laugh track going and it didn’t seem right. So at some point, and it was probably Fosse’s idea, but I probably started to fade out the track. So we just took it all out and we put in the loud sounds but they’re the kind of sounds you would hear when you’re having a panic attack. Sometimes you don’t hear anything, and sometimes putting out a cigarette sounds like gunshots. Cracking the pencil was like that too, it just worked. So we left it like that.

Fosse and Dustin Hoffman on set of “Lenny.”

When I worked with Fosse when he came into the cutting room we would re-work scenes and we never put them down until we were happy with them. Later, when we had the whole picture, we might go back and do a couple little things, but every scene we tried to polish as much as possible to get the most out of it. Which is why I was on some films for 14 months with him. Every day was an adventure, absolutely every day.

HULLFISH: I wrote an essay about how – with pacing and rhythm – we can learn from other arts and Fosse was obviously a dance guy so did you have a common language of rhythm and pace? Is that overthinking it?

THE FAN, Lauren Bacall, Maureen Stapleton, 1981, (c) Paramount

HEIM: A film I did after All That Jazz was called The Fan, with Lauren Bacall. I met the director and we had a nice talk. Everybody thought he was way over his head. A commercial director, who became much better later. First day of dailies, they were cripplingly slow. it’s an epistolary novel that takes a form of letters that the guy who writes to this stage star that he’s obsessed with. So we have him on the steps of his tenement in Manhattan and he’s reading a letter and he’s actually reading the letter, and it’s deadly dull. At the end of watching dailies the crew did something I’d never seen before. They all applauded, but I didn’t applaud. So he turned to me and said, “How come you didn’t applaud?” and I said, “It’s very slow and I’m really very worried about that.” And he said, “I come out of commercials I can get everything down to 60 seconds.” I said, “This is a movie. You’ve got to get it to 90 minutes.” After that he didn’t trust me at all until I showed him a couple of cut scenes and he said, “Oh, I see what you were talking about.” And he started to pick up the pace of the movie and we were able to beat that down. That might’ve have been the worst thing I ever said to a director.

HULLFISH: How do you get that beat down to a proper pace? A lot of people say that a movie has its own rhythm, so what do you do if the rhythm is that slow and it shouldn’t be?

HEIM: I know what you mean. Back in New York we used to say that the actors talk too slow. Movies of the 30s and 40s people talked fast as hell. And they filmed 70 to 80 minutes long and they stepped on each others lines, but it was rehearsed and it was crisp, and you might not like it but it moved things forward. Then there was a period when the actors – and directors – tended to be kind of indulgent. You can’t make the actors talk faster. I discovered that you can basically take a love scene, and if you overlap the dialogue, it seems like an argument. That’s not a great trick but I’ve done it – or close to it – when I want to pick up pace.

I loved working with Nick Cassavetes because he would go over with the actors and say, “Stop acting. Just know your lines and be fast between takes.” So we would tighten the hell out of it. A film I did with Cassavetes was The Other Woman. If you look at it closely you’ll see that that Cameron Diaz is out of sync a lot. Because we just cut her words together. She and Nick did not get along, and Nick and I both felt we just want to make it better. And if she doesn’t know her lines when she comes on the set let’s just make her say the lines so we cut around it. Those films are really tight cutting. It’s hard to do. If the actors are slow, you just get stuck. I love molding the performances. That’s the raw material. I look for the best takes and I try very hard to protect the actor’s integrity. I look at dailies first. By noon I’m usually looking at the dailies and I will know which takes I want to use. And then if I sat down with the director in the evening and he didn’t like any of the takes that I liked, then I knew that means trouble down the line. I would always use the best take in my mind that the actor has done. And sometimes the director would say, “Why did you use that one? Why didn’t you use this?” To get back to what I was saying about The Fan – I was cutting a sequence with Lauren Bacall, who’s not much of a dancer. And we had to protect her from her physical stuff. So one night, a friend of mine, asked me if I would come over and run the film with them. My wife came along and we had a great time, but they could pick up on the fact that I was stopping her just before she fell off. So the choreographer came in one day and after I got the sequence put together and ran it. He looked at me and said, “You know I couldn’t figure out where you were cutting when I looked at All That Jazz, and now I see you don’t cut on the beat. You cut near the beat.” That’s true. To cut on the beat is kind of wooden and I wasn’t aware that I was doing that. I just cut where it seemed comfortable with the movement. When I started working with Fosse. I discovered that the choreographer’s job is different than a stage choreographer: It’s to guide the audience’s eyes around the screen. So Fosse used a lot of close ups of body parts, feet and hands, but there was always this intention to keep the flow going. The first thing I did was Liza with a Z and people said it was too much cutting. To this day I don’t agree. That’s where I learned a lot of stuff. That’s when I learned how to cut musical numbers and I really loved doing it. It is the same with a dialogue scene, you really have to lead the audience in cuts. When I was a sound effects editor, an editor named Aram Avakian (who edited Mickey One) was a brilliant editor and had a great visual sense. He was very smart. I was working as a sound editor on The Group and he came up behind me, and it was a dinner scene of two people talking, and he said, “That’s a great cut.” I turned to him and asked, “Why is that a great cut?” And he said, “Because it just seemed like two people talking. Look at it again.” So, I rolled it back and forth and I told him I didn’t see it. He says, “Look at where the direction of the fork is now and then when you cut you come back and you move the other way.” And suddenly I learned all I ever had to know about physical editing. It was kind of amazing because I never thought of that. The motion from one carried over into the next take. It can’t always happen, but when it does it is thrilling.

HULLFISH: You said one of the things about cutting musical scenes was to try to have the flow of the motion of one shot lead the audience’s eye to the next cut.

HEIM Paul Taylor, the modern dancer and terrific choreographer had specials on PBS. Somewhere he learned the idea that movement should go from one shot to the next. Most specials you don’t see that. He’s got dancers running around the stage like crazy but there’s always a flow. I found it thrilling. I met Fosse back in New York. I was doing a lot of television as a sounds effects editor and I’ve done a little bit of picture cutting, and I got a call from a guy named Kenny Ott. He was a well-known line producer in New York, and he asked me if I’d be interested in working on a TV show with Bob Fosse and Liza Minnelli. I said “sure.” So I went up to meet Fosse at the Broadway Arts studio. It’s a little space. By the way, the Broadway Arts Studio is the one that’s replicated in All That Jazz.

My late wife had seen Cabaret and I hadn’t got to see it yet. I wasn’t really a fan of movie musicals. So I met Fosse. He’s in the middle of the room, and all these dancers are hurling themselves around us. We’re talking in the middle of the room. I’m not a musician but I was a music editor. We talked for a while and I got no sense of whether I was going to get hired or not, but I loved the energy in that room. I just loved the dancers. They would come sliding right up to our feet, and the room was filled with heat and sweat – running around, motion, and color. After that I went over to the Ziegfeld – saw Cabaret – and I came home that night and I told my wife, “I want him to hire me. I really want to work with this guy.” And it worked out. That led to Lenny and Lenny led to All That Jazz and that led to some other stuff, then Star 80 and then he died.

HULLFISH: I remember seeing Star 80 when I was fairly young and found it very disturbing.

HEIM: Oh boy, oh boy was that a disturbing movie! We were finishing All That Jazz and Bob came up one day and he said, “I found the next film I want to do.” He gave me a copy of the Village Voice, which is where the article about Dorothy Stratten came from. I read the article, and thought it was perfect for him. It’s this Svengali-like figure with a lot of women and a lot of degeneracy. He was in show business all of his life and the guy – the husband of Dorothy Stratten – he was a hanger on. He was kind of a guy looking to make his career on her. Fosse had a lot of contempt for show business He also loved it. Which I think is a line from All that Jazz. “I love show business, I hate show business.” That’s all he knew… that’s not true. He was a very bright guy. Very well versed in psychiatry and many things and he hung with good people: Paddy Chayefsky and Herb Gardner and a whole bunch of New York people. That’s really how I ended up doing Network. I’m pretty sure Bob suggested me to Paddy even though I had done two films with Sidney, it’d been several years in between.

Director John Hughes © 1985 Universal Pictures

To get back to the question about screening: after a day of shooting, having the crew go into a theater and watch the dailies… you learned a lot just from sitting there. Directors never said much to me, but you learn something just from being in the room. You’re sometimes there till midnight. In Chicago sometimes with John Hughes, later than that. He’d shoot all day and into the evening. One night my crew and I got a late call that said “John’s not going to be in until midnight.” So we went to the movies.

HULLFISH: So you started screening dailies at midnight?

HEIM: Somebody told me that they did a TV show where they’d shoot all day and then the director would come in and work with the editor on the previous day’s material. So that puts you into midnight or early morning. It’s crazy. It’s a young man’s game.

HULLFISH: When did you switch from editing on a Moviola or a KEM to Avid?

HEIM: 1995. That’s when I moved out here to LA. A bunch of us who were editing feature films in New York were approached by the CMX company – CBS I think it was. They were developing a laser pen editing system which was used for a while and they gave us instructions on how it worked. You had these disks and it came as if you were bringing a cake to a party, but it could only hold 20 minutes of material. So you couldn’t hold a feature film on it. You’d have to stop set up a new thing. And we talked about that. Eventually they used it a lot in television. I was wrestling with whether I should learn an electronic edit system. I was really good on a Moviola and I didn’t even like the Avid particularly. But the last stuff I did on film I did I used an English bench and a motorized picture and track synchronizer. The last few films I did on film I loved that bench, because it was really intimate contact with the film. I only used the Moviola to screen on, then.

HULLFISH: A lot of people liked to screen on a KEM, right?

HEIM: I never did. We did Lenny on a Moviola and Fosse was having trouble seeing the screen, so we did All That Jazz on the KEM. So I would adapt. I preferred the Moviola, I was faster on it. I didn’t have to stretch over those tables.

HULLFISH: So you moved to Avid in 95 because…

HEIM: I was given the opportunity. I was offered a film in San Francisco where the guy would teach me LightWorks and I would teach him film. I was still cutting on film when I got a call to do a Barbra Streisand movie back in New York and Sony wanted me to do it on the Avid. So now I have to learn another system. And Sony said they would give me an instructor. Well they gave me the guy who was doing maintenance on the lot and my assistant and I, she never worked on a film either on Avid. The guy started to turn on the machine, but suddenly he’s called away. So that’s Monday. And so Monday afternoon I went over to the guy in charge of rental equipment and said, look I’m going to New York on Saturday. I’m going to be in the cutting room on Monday. And if you don’t get me an instructor who can teach me, just me, I’m going to insist on the LightWorks. So they got me an instructor from Avid who actually was also an editor and we spent three intense days just stuffing whatever I could into my head. And at one point I remember just putting my head on the keyboard, three or four, in the afternoon on Friday and I said, “That’s it. I can’t do anymore of this.” Most editors I know, of my generation, are not particularly adept at the electronic stuff. But we do try and tell stories and that’s what it’s about. It’s a tool. I liked it, almost immediately, but I may have liked the LightWorks better.

HULLFISH: Thelma is still on LightWorks. Why do you call yourself a storyteller? How does the editor actually tell a story in the edit room?

Bob Fosse and Dustin Hoffman on set “Lenny”

HEIM: Working in film, you manipulate time. The editing process is really the last opportunity to change the story before it goes out into the world. How do we tell a story? It has to do with the rhythm – of the pace of it – you can turn a picture into something completely different, in the editing process, than was intended. You can’t really get away from the script, nor would you want to, but there is a lot of excess material in the script as there always is. So we just try to make the story better. We try to make it more concise. We try and direct the audience to what they should be looking at any given time. Stanley Kauffmann who was a film critic of some repute in New York said, and I paraphrase here, “You always want to watch the person you’re watching. Even if you didn’t know it at the time.” Now that’s what an editor does. Where you put a reaction shot… where you stay on somebody and you don’t cut… you’re trying to lead an audience.

There’s a scene in Network where William Holden follows Faye Dunaway into the kitchen. He’s in a rage because she’s ignoring him. She’s busy with her job and career. He talks about being an older man with a younger woman. And I rarely cut away from him in the performance. The first time I cut away from him is because he flubbed his line. And I cut to her. I found her reaction shot that seemed right, it wasn’t from where it was supposed to be, but it’s her reaction shot. And then I put in a second one because I wanted to see how she was responding. So once I was forced to it, because his performances was so good, and once I wanted to do it. I wanted the audience to see what she was feeling. That’s what an editor can do. The other thing you can do: Beatrice Straight played William Holden’s wife and there’s a scene where she confronts him: How long has the affair been going on and it’s in the kitchen and the kids walk in. It’s two and a half minutes long and Sidney and Paddy Chayefsky and Howard Gottfried – who was Paddy’s partner – and the co-producer said we got to lose it. I said, “No. I don’t think so. It’s a really great scene.” They said, “It is slowing down the picture.” I really argued for keeping the scene. Also, I thought we should tale that scene and put it before William goes off to the beach to that horrible scene where they make love and she just talks about television the whole time. That horrible wonderful scene. In the original script, they were in the opposite order. I said we have to turn those two scenes around and they were adamant not to do it. Finally, our producer, Dan Melnick, was flying to New York, so I said, “Let’s let Danny decide.” So Melnick sees it – he sees the whole picture. Monday morning I got a call from Howard Gottfried and he said “Aaaa-lllllan…” – he kind of sung my name, and you know when people sing your name something weird is going to happen. He said that Danny came up with this great idea to keep the scene and switch the two scenes around. So I said, “You know Howard – I don’t usually say this or anything like this – but that was my idea and you were fighting it for two weeks.” And he said, “Does it matter where a good idea comes from?” And you know he’s right. It was a very valuable lesson. And the scene stayed and she won the Academy Award for that two and a half minutes.

HULLFISH: It was a great performance, but why specifically did you argue for the scene as a storyteller?

HEIM: I loved everything in it, but I also thought it was very necessary. Here’s a guy who devoted his whole life to this television network and his wife clearly played second fiddle to his career, and now it was turned around a little bit.

HULLFISH: And why switch the order of the scenes?

HEIM: If we saw him having this ridiculous sex scene with Faye Dunaway, and then he came home to this strong woman. You would say “What a schmuck.” She knew stuff was going on, but this time she sensed he was in love with her and she confronted him, and he needed that confrontation. It made me very happy to keep it in the movie. You don’t get too many chances to do that, you really don’t. This one just jumped out at me. I knew Paddy Chayefsky is a hell of a writer. Spectacular. So when Paddy is saying that I had to really fight for it. I don’t usually fight for a scene. Usually I do it much more subtly over the course of the edit, if I really feel strongly about it.

HULLFISH: It’s about trusting the process, right? Yes, you can try to force it, but it’s better to just see what happens as context changes and as needs change and maybe the director becomes less attached to the emotion of the shoot.

HEIM: Right. Been there a couple of times.

HULLFISH: That’ a balance, right? You have to have enough ego to know that you have something to say and you’re strong in your opinions, but set enough of your ego aside to be in service to the director. You have to be willing to address notes.

HEIM I took notes from everybody. I mean anybody who had a good idea or what I thought was a good idea or a worthwhile idea, I would take a shot at it. I always tell editors it’s not your movie, it’s the director or the producer or somebody else who owns that movie. You can contribute, this is where the editor comes in. You edit it. You try and correct mistakes. Keep the story and the path it should be on. It’s not your movie. They always say you should do invisible editing, which is bullshit, but it depends. You have to listen to the material. You have to feel the material. I used to think that when I worked with film it was almost like a plastic medium… like if you bend a piece of steel a certain number of times, you’ll eventually break it. It took me a while to feel that with electronic editing, but I don’t think I’ve ever changed what I do, the style. I’ve watched some of my older movies recently and I don’t think I would make many changes in them. I might speed up a couple of scenes. When I cut scenes now, I tend to make them a little bit faster. The other thing that happened on Doc, I was cutting a simple scene with Stacy and Harris playing cards. I’m cutting it on the Moviola. You’d put it in a little black plastic matte and that would give you the aspect ratio. So I was cutting this scene and I had the matte in there and they’re playing cards sitting at a table playing cards. I cut it, looked at the scene and looked absolutely terrible. None of the cuts matched but it’s two guys playing cards. How could this be? So I took the matte off. It turns out they had been changing their vests in between takes. I asked Harris, “What’s the story with that scene where you guys are playing cards and you change your vests?” And he said, “We were trying to mess up the script girl to see if she would would catch it.” Then he turned to me again and he said, “Did you catch the shirts?” And it turns out they were also changing shirts with subtly different striped patterns between takes and I missed it because on a Moviola screen, that’s really hard to see.

HULLFISH: I was just talking to someone about storytelling, and about how a joke is a good way to practice storytelling. It’s really just a short story. You don’t want to ruin it with too much detail or making it too long. Set it up and get to the point.

HEIM: Yes, but there are there are other details too that you need. Mel Brooks would explain it’s not enough to say, “It’s a car.” You have to say, “A Buick with three holes in the fender.” A little detail doesn’t hurt. And it depends on where you put the detail. It’s all in the timing. It really is rhythm and delivery. A friend of mine wrote a book called “The Lean Forward Moment.” Interesting idea that you lead the audience in a certain direction and then you pull the rug out from under them. You push them into the next scene. I hate exposition. Most editors do. And I worked in films where I’ve told the audience something three times – verbally told the audience something three times. They don’t get it. So you cut one out. Now it’s two times and they still don’t get it and you’re cut down to one and that’s enough. They get the second and third time. You’re boring them. They know it, sometimes you don’t even need the first time. For me that would be the ideal filmmaking: information without telling anybody. Just let them discover it. If you can make the audience complicit or make the audience feel something, it’s hard. There’s a lot of visual stuff like Jaws. A shark jumps out from behind the pillar and you don’t expect it. It makes you jump, that’s easy. But to do it in a dialogue scene, and have people follow every word and feel it. That’s that’s hard. That’s rare. I was delighted the first time it happened: when the audience applauds at the end of the opening number of All That Jazz. Because you don’t see audiences applaud, or in the Notebook when people are crying.

HULLFISH: True. You’ve edited for John Hughes

HEIM: John Hughes had that ability to do meaningful and funny. He could reach the audience. His stuff reached on a very elemental level. He was really a good writer.

HULLFISH: Earlier in our discussion you mentioned that we rarely get to cut scenes in sequential order. Almost never. Talk a little bit about that or about scenes where it sounded looked great when you cut it originally, but then, in the context of the film, it changed in some way.

HEIM: When you look at dailies, you’ve got to start somewhere. I look at them and they say, “Well, I want this scene to start on the closeup of the actor.” So I edit the scene based on that choice. And then when you put that scene in context of another scene, maybe you can’t go from the previous scene to the close up of the actor for whatever reason. So then you have to start shifting. Or sometimes you’ll have a scene that says exactly the same thing in a different way than a scene that’s elsewhere in the movie. So you you start shifting. You can’t be rigid. Once you cut the scene, it’s really nice, it’s really good. But then you look at it in context and you say, “I don’t need this or maybe I only need half of it.” These are the decisions you make with the director. But when I do a first cut, I put pretty much everything into it that was shot because I think that everybody deserves to see that. You can’t take it away early. And when you’re trimming a first assembly down from its initial length, sometimes it’s easy to get the first half hour, but when you have to start cutting an hour or an hour and a half, you begin to feel holes. And I’ve never liked gaps in a story.

still from Grey Gardens – Drew Barrymore and Jessica Lange

HULLFISH: One of the things that I learned from writing this book was that I needed to let my director see all of the lines in every scene, even if I was very confident that the lines would eventually be cut. It seems like common sense, but I felt like, “If I’m right, then why show them?”

HEIM: The problem is a director has a rhythm. The director knows what he shot. Sometimes they’re wrong. Sometimes they’ll say, “Where’s the shot of the finger? There was no shot there.” Most of the time there is. Sometimes you find something after a slate or something. Fo you, the director knows he shot those lines you took out. So you’re starting off really badly because you’re throwing the director’s rhythm. Later, you can ask, “Do we really need those three lines?”

HULLFISH: I wish I had learned that earlier: the director needs to the scene. I got to see it with and without. The director never got to see it, so he can’t come to the same conclusion, so he never owns the decision. Lesson learned.

HEIM: I don’t know how editors learn that stuff nowadays. Now it’s learning on the job for most people.

HULLFISH: Alan, thank you for a great discussion. It was a pleasure to speak with you.

HEIM: My pleasure as well.

This interview was transcribed with SpeedScriber, which has recently come out of public beta and is now available.

To read more interviews in the Art of the Cut series, check out THIS LINK and follow me on Twitter @stevehullfish

The first 50 Art of the Cut interviews have been curated into a book, “Art of the Cut: Conversations with Film and TV editors.” The book is not merely a collection of interviews but was edited into topics that read like a massive, virtual roundtable discussion of some of the most important topics to editors everywhere: storytelling, pacing, rhythm, collaboration with directors, approach to a scene and more. CinemaEditor magazine said of the book, “Hullfish has interviewed over 50 editors around the country and asked questions that only an editor would know to ask. Their answers are the basis of this book and it’s not just a collection of interviews…. It is to his credit that Hullfish has created an editing manual similar to the camera manual that ASC has published for many years and can be found in almost any back pocket of members of the camera crew. It is an essential tool on the set. Art of the Cut may indeed be the essential tool for the cutting room. Here is a reference where you can immediately see how our contemporaries deal with the complexities of editing a film. In a very organized manner, he guides the reader through approaching the scene, pacing, and rhythm, structure, storytelling, performance, sound design, and music….Hullfish’s book is an awesome piece of text editing itself. The results make me recommend it to all. I am placing this book on my shelf of editing books and I urge others to do the same. –Jack Tucker, ACE

The post ART OF THE CUT with Oscar Winner Alan Heim, ACE appeared first on ProVideo Coalition.

First Found At: ART OF THE CUT with Oscar Winner Alan Heim, ACE

[mahogany-siel]

september 5, this weekend i got dumb high in bed stuy

Have you ever met someone that makes you see all the things you want to be in them without even trying? I have and just in case this blog ever gets famous I will use a pseudonym for her name and call her Lisa Winton. 

Lisa is the type of black excellence that parents all want their daughters to grow into. She’s like Yara Shahidi but like not famous and completely out of reach. Lisa is beautiful, she is multi-talented, has great time management and most of all, is black AS FUUUCK. Not only did she organize a black activism lecture as a f*cking freshmen, but she also snagged an RA position, the same one I interviewed for and later got rejected. She also went to Cuba this summer. Yeah, she wanted to study abroad with other black and brown people because thats how real she is! Oh and how could I forget! She is double majoring in both fashion design (the hardest design major offered at Parsons) and a liberal arts degree (probably in Global Studies or Ethnicity and Race or some other socially conscious shit) and currently has a 4.0 GPA. She has blemish-free glowing cocoa skin and her hair is all natural of course. It’s long too, just like mine would be if I didn’t get that shitty perm when I was ten. But above all of these impressive things, most importantly, she is adorned by the black population of our school. She is like the “Queen of the Black Folk” and is treated by all of her peers as such. This bitch is damn near perfect and it feels like I am confronted with this every time I turn the corner BECAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS HER AND IS ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT HER. 

It may sound like I am immensely jealous of Lisa, and that’s probably because I am. Lisa Winton is who I think I want to be like. She seems to have all her shit together and knows who she is. All I want to do is know myself better than I do now and be able to convince people to love me for my authentic self. Lisa always seems to be like herself, she seems genuine and real and I think that is why so many people flock to her. I would love to have a multitude of people flock to me because of how authentic I am. I would love to give an aura of warmth by just being my damn self. Almost every time I talk to someone not my race, I feel like they are judging me in comparison to Lisa. I hate this because I know she represents a lot of the qualities I feel I lack, and I also know I will never be her. I wish white people (and other races) would stop creating such limited archetypes for black women and expecting the different ones to fit these few popularized molds.

Here’s what I think the real problem is: I am trying to be one or two archetypal black women instead of embracing my own interpretation of a black woman. I am Chanel Burns. I am a black woman and I am quirky and weird and I am sometimes uncomfortable to talk to. I have a white man’s sense of humor and my joke and story delivery is flawed. I am not perfect, and that should be okay. 

Wow I swear I am making real revelations on this site let me tell you.

Another black woman I obsessively compare myself to is nineteen year old Kaye Meredith*. She is the earthy, ethereal, always nurturing, carefree black girl type. She speaks with warmth and seems genuinely invested in whatever you are saying. She always adds something interesting or thoughtful to the conversation and you after speaking to her you always walk away with a positive impression, feeling just a little bit better about yourself. She is a Virgo. She is a healer. She lives in Crown Heights and wears braids with funky colored fibers intertwined. She is an illustrator and has a developed aesthetic. She seems to be the mother of her friend group and can be seen as a “melanin goddess” by her adorning Instagram followers. Kaye is from a PWI background but has somehow found a way to navigate the social atmosphere both black and white people with ease. She works at Urban Outfitters, and even though she recognizes the company’s flawed messages, she still is considered cool enough to work in the most stereotypical “cool kids” store. I could only wish. 

I want to be that girl that people flock to for guidance. I want to ooze sunshine and light when I walk in a room or speak. I want to have a lovely sense of style, a beautiful face, and be a strong artist. I want people to see how creative I am and just how well I can pull a vision together. I have so much good shit brewing in my head that I haven’t released yet because I do not know how. I need to carve out time to experiment outside of the Parsons curriculum. 

That brings me to my other point.

When I was in Brooklyn this weekend with Halley and her roommate, I got really reallyyyyyy high that night. In the span of a few hours, I was in Bed Stuy, on 34th Street at a Korean BBQ restaurant, and then on the train coming home to my lovely Greenwich Village dorm with a thing of cotton candy Cold Stone ice cream with gummy bears in it in my hand and all around my mouth. During this very intense high, that I for one, can say I have never experienced before, I came through with a lot of revelations. Most of which are just straight non-sense such as vividly seeing my best friend as thumb person from SpyKids (remember those guys???) for like fifteen minutes and throughly believing I was living in a black and white movie, the whole walk to the subway from Halley’s friend’s house. However, the most repetitive thing I wrote down in my notes was that I need to move to Brooklyn and paint more. I want to be a fine artist as much as I can, but in order to get into the program minor at my school and actually level up with my classmates, I need to dive into this field. A Brooklyn apartment is not necessarily crucial to accomplishing this, but I think living outside of Manhattan may give me some type of break from this fast paced life that would positively influence my mind and my art. I was talking to my RA this afternoon and the two main points she gave me about moving to Brooklyn is scout out areas well before you decide to move and to get a place close to a line near The New School (in other words the L,ACE,BDFM,123,456). 

I kind of have a packed week ahead of me which is refreshing. Tomorrow I have a Student of Color Meet Up which I decided to go to since I unofficially vowed to myself that I would go to every meet up offered in order to build a ~community~ with other black people. Can introverts comfortably fit in a community filled with effervescent extroverts? I guess we will see in coming weeks. I decided to go to one of my former classmate’s launch party on Friday night. I wasn’t sure if I should go since we aren’t really close friends at all and a lot of my black second year folks will be there having fun and conversing leaving me to feel like a f*cking weirdo. But there’s free drinks so...Imma just show my face at least haha. Saturday night I am getting tacos with a guy on Tinder. Is this self sabotage or is this me experiencing what’s out there as a truly single woman? The world has yet to tell me, but God has let me know that it is most likely gonna be the first and not as much the second. Oh well no one’s perfect! Or at least thats what I’ll tell myself for feeling less gullible. Anyway I’ll give more details on these upcoming events and the following topics in my later blog posts:

white boys and relationships with them, community, books that make me feel less lonely, the window lights on telling the stories of the New Yorkers I live across from, companionship and art, my desire for a man, why I shouldn’t always be so down on myself and whatever the hell else comes to mind! Stay tuned. 

*her name is not Kaye Meredith.

[cathygeha]

UNDER FIRE by Scarlett Cole Pre-Order Blitz!

 2-time RITA nominee Scarlett Cole’s UNDER FIRE pairs a hot Navy SEAL with a medical researcher who finds herself in too deep. Can Sixten Rapp take the heat and Dr. Louisa North handle the flames? Fans of Laura Kaye’s HARD INK series and Julie Ann Walker’s BLACK KNIGHTS INC. series will devour Cole’s hot military hero in this opposites attract, romantic suspense.

UNDER FIRE releases next week and we can’t wait for you get your hands on this story! Pre-order today to not miss this exciting, romantic suspense read. Plus enter to win a brand new, Kindle Fire 7!

 Synopsis:

 HE CAN TAKE THE HEAT. Hot, hard-bodied Sixten Rapp is a former SEAL who’s raring to begin his brand-new civilian life. He and his Navy “brothers” start a security firm that offers the kind of services only a team of military-trained professionals can provide. But nothing prepared Six for his new client: an innocent woman on a mission to improve thousands of lives. . . unless someone takes hers first.

 CAN SHE HANDLE THE FLAMES? Dr. Louisa North knows time is against her as she tries to create a “miracle” medical treatment for a disease with no known cure, until she creates a sample so powerful that the wrong people want to use it as a chemical weapon. At first, Six is unwilling to accept Louisa as his client. But soon he realizes that the danger is real and that there’s much more to this plain-Jane scientist…including a burning passion between them that neither of them can resist. And now that an enemy is on Louisa’s trail, Six will do whatever it takes to protect her―or die trying.

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"Fantastic characters, scorching sexual tension, and non-stop action make this one of my favorite reads this year! Highly recommend!" —New York Times bestselling author Laura Kaye

“Non-stop action and heart-pounding romance...a must-read for romantic suspense fans!” —Cynthia Eden, New York Times and USA Today best-selling author

"Scarlett Cole's characters pull you in from the very first page with real emotion and sizzling chemistry. Don't miss this action packed thrill ride."—Cherry Adair, New York Times bestselling author

UNDER FIRE Excerpt

Copyright © 2017 Scarlett Cole

“Now that you’ve got a little more color in your face, and you’ve stopped shaking, you want to tell me who those men were, or what they wanted?”

Louisa smoothed her hands down the front of his chest to fix his rumpled hoodie and then straightened the hem. Six grabbed her hands in his and stilled them. His hands were the size of baseball mitts compared to hers.

“I don’t know for sure. They beat you in here by a minute or two at most. They told me that they wanted me to go with them, and that was about it. I don’t want to think this has something to do with the missing sample.”

Thoughts crowded in almost too quickly to process them all. Things like this didn’t happen to her. It went against the rules. Her rules that said she would spend her life doing research away from all the horrid stuff that went on in the world. And shit like this certainly didn’t happen in Mission Hills. She wondered if it was smart to keep the fact that she’d swapped the two samples and disposed of the one they seemed to be after five days earlier from the police when they finally arrived. But this was a golden opportunity to find out where the police were with the theft in the lab. Obviously Six had saved her life, but she didn’t want him to get into trouble for shooting one of the men. She wasn’t even sure how that would work. It wasn’t like he was defending his home. He was defending hers with a gun he’d brought with him which she wasn’t sure was even legal. Crap.

“It’s all such a mess,” she whispered against Six’s shoulder.

“I know. But I’m right here with you,” he said softly.

Her heart pounded again and her head felt groggy, like mud, as though she was hungover. What she really needed was some silence. She tried to pull away from Six, but he wouldn’t let her move. “Let me go,” she said, blowing her bangs out of her face.

Six shook his head slowly. “I don’t know what’s going on, but you’ll walk the police through it step by step, and I’ll tell them what I know. Then we’ll figure out how to make you safe tonight. Then in the morning, I’ll help you figure out what you can do to remain safe while this gets sorted out.”

What if they came back? Oh, God. She hadn’t thought that far ahead. She could go to her mother’s home, but that might lead the people that were after her to her family. Damn. Why had she already decided it was about the sample when it could have been an abduction attempt or an armed robbery, which didn’t make her feel less vulnerable but did quash all the conspiracy theories in her head? What if she was excluding options that were important? She was the daughter of a very wealthy widow. Ransom could be a possibility.

Six squeezed her shaking hands, bringing her back to the present. “And just so you know, staying safe means learning to protect yourself, sweetheart.”

“I did just fine,” Louisa huffed, unwilling to take on the mantle of victim she was constructing in her head.

“You held a rolling pin,” Six said, shaking his head at her. “What were you going to do, Betty Crocker them to death?”

She pushed her hands against his chest, and this time he let her go. It had never occurred to her that someone would violate her home, but Six was right. If she looked at it logically, she obviously needed to upgrade every element of her home security. She couldn’t even remember when she’d last opened the window in the dining room, but she’d obviously become lax in locking it afterward. And none of her external security lights had come on, which meant they either weren’t effective or the sensors were pointing at the wrong places. And her alarm had the ability to be on for just the doors and windows when she was home but awake, yet she never—

“What’s going on inside that head of yours?” Six asked. “Because you disappear inside it sometimes and I worry when I see you start messing with things.”

Louisa looked down at her hands and realized she was restacking the coasters she had placed on the marble. “I was just thinking through what you said. I guess I’ve become a little lazy … I’ve stopped worrying about home security because nothing ever really happens here.”

“Okay, we’ll look at two things. One, how you protect your home, and two, how you protect yourself in the event that someone makes it past all of your other defenses.” He parted her bangs with his finger, and it made her shiver.

Since her father’s death, she hadn’t had anyone to count on. Not like this. “Why are you really here, Six? It’s not about my uneven shelves, is it?” she asked quietly.

Six studied her face, taking in her forehead, her cheeks, and even her neck before meeting her eyes. It was a moment that felt much longer, filled with … something. Potential, maybe. “Because you asked me to help, and—”

He stopped talking at the sound of wheels pulling onto the gravel. Quickly, he shut off the kitchen light, and it became apparent that the exterior lights were on. With a swift jog, gun drawn, he hurried to take a look out the window. Blue and red beams of light flashed onto her kitchen wall. They were the best thing she’d seen all day, well, other than seeing the door to the kitchen burst open and Six rolling in, looking as deadly as any soldier she’d ever seen. In hindsight, now that the danger had passed, she realized he’d looked hotter than any Hollywood action star in a big blockbuster movie.

Even as she wondered what other reason he’d been about to give her for being there, she realized that none of his words, or the arrival of the police, meant she was safe

  About Scarlett Cole

The tattoo across my right hip says it all really. A Life Less Ordinary. Inked by the amazingly talented Luke Wessman at the Wooster Street Social Club (a.k.a. New York Ink). Why is it important? Well, it sums up my view on life. That we should all aspire to live a life that is less boring, less predictable. Be bold, and do something amazing. I’ve made some crazy choices. I’ve been a car maker, a consultant, and even a senior executive at a large retailer running strategy. Born in England, spent time in the U.S. and Japan, before ending up in Canada were I met my own, personal hero – all six and a half feet of him. Both of us are scorpios! Yeah, I know! Should have checked the astrological signs earlier, but somehow it works for us. We have two amazing kids, who I either could never part with or could easily be convinced to sell on e-bay.

I’ve wanted to be a writer for a really long time. Check through my office cupboards or my computer and you’ll find half written stories and character descriptions everywhere. Now I'm getting the chance to follow that dream.

Connect with Scarlett: Website | Facebook | Instagram | Twitter