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daydreaming-nerd · 7 months ago

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Young Love and Old Money (Cassian x Female! Reader) Part 9

Young Love and Old Money Masterlist

AN: Okay remember when I said there would be a lot more angst? Well here we are. We have arrived at angst station, everybody off the train. This part is so dramatic I really laid it on thick here. Regardless I hope you enjoy and I will try to get part 10 up ASAP!!!

Summary: She was the most beautiful woman in Prythian, sister to the High Lord of Night, and now she is the soon-to-be wife of Eris Vanserra. Despite her many titles and her aura of unattainability, Cassian can't help but fall deeply in love with the princess of the Night Court. But will it be enough to stop her impending wedding to a man who is sure to destroy her from the inside out?

Warnings: Sexism, super heavy angst, this got really dark, violence, blood, implied rape (but not described), did I mention violence?, (I'm sorry you guys.)

Word Count: 6,333

The next morning I wake up in my own bed and I don’t move for hours.

Thankfully, after about an hour of crying by the Sidra, Azriel found me and took me back to the House of Wind. Apparently Cassian had sent him, which gave me a little bit of hope. That is until I went to his door and found his room empty. According to Azriel he left for Windhaven after returning home to pack a bag. I didn’t need to interrogate further to know that Cassian wouldn’t be back before the wedding.

I spent the entire day before the wedding in bed, staring at the sliver of light on the floor that the curtains let into the darkened room. Everytime I close my eyes I could hear Cassian and I’s laughter, which made me unable to fall asleep. When I wasn’t reminiscing over memories of Cassian I was listening intently to the sounds of the house, hoping I would hear his heavy boots thudding back to his room. I just wanted to see him one last time.

However, those footsteps never came, and I found myself staring at the wall until my body gave up on me, from either exhaustion or hunger and I fell asleep.

Cassian’s pov:

The second I landed in Windhaven I cracked open a bottle of whiskey and downed a glass praying it would allow me to sleep. Of course I was wrong.

The entire night I saw images of y/n holding that little girl in her arms. God I had practically melted right then and there, thinking about what she would look like holding our own children. How adorable they would be with their tiny wings.

My sleepless night had carried over with me the next day, everything and everyone putting me on edge. A young Illyrian had dropped their sword while sparring and I blew up at him. Devlon tried to argue that the females shouldn’t be training and I nearly slammed his head into a wall.

I was aggressively sharpening my swords on the edge of the sparring ring when Azriel found me, my brother simply nodded his head towards the center as if to say “blow off some steam big fella.” I couldn’t turn him down, as he was the only one who could give me a run for my money, and today he sure did.

“You fight like shit and you look like shit too brother,” Azriel barked after beating me again. He tossed his sword to the ground seemingly calling it quits for the day.

“Yeah well my mate is about to marry another male in the next 12 hours so how did you expect to find me?” I gripe at him taking my seat on a weathered rock.

“I suppose I wouldn’t know what to do in your situation either,” he admitted, taking a seat next to me.

“Seems about right for me. Grew up a bastard and lived in the mud till you and Rhys’ sorry asses came along. Lost my mother and never even got to bury her, fought for 500 years, and then became mated to the princess, who is marrying another male.” I scoff, shaking my head at the ridiculousness. “I’ll give the mother one thing, at least she’s consistent.”

Azriel was quiet for a moment, as if taking in what I had said before clapping a hand on my back, “The pain, it will go away Cass. It will take time, but I will be there with you every step of the way.” he assured me, and for a moment I felt a little lighter.

“Get wasted with me tomorrow?” I ask more seriously than I should.

“You know I will,” he said, offering me a slight smile.

I hoped that Rhys had gotten some more whiskey since the last time I raided his cabinet, because I don’t think any amount of drink could make me forget the way she looked at me the first morning we woke up together. The way she would laugh when I kissed her cheeks, the feeling of her delicate hands running soap over my wings. How she would say “you need a bath!” when I would give her a sweaty hug after training. The face she made when I distracted her from one of her romance novels by tickling her feet that rested in my lap.

By the cauldron, I was a dead man.

y/n's pov:

Stepping into the Autumn Court felt like I was walking to my own execution. Instead of Eris being at the end of that aisle there would be a guillotine. I almost wished for that instead. Any comment made by Rhys about how I seemed tired I chalked up to pre-wedding nerves and thankfully he didn’t push after that.

The entire morning had been spent poking and prodding at my skin, my hair and my eyes. If I thought that Nuala and Cerridwen were meticulous I was sorely mistaken. The ladies of the Autumn Court didn’t mess around and if this was my life going forward (which sadly it was), cauldron boil me.

The ladies in wait primped me up until a half an hour before I walked down the aisle. I had to literally commande them out of my suite in order to have a moment alone. I sat staring at myself in the floor length mirror. For what it was worth, I looked beautiful. I half expected the dress that was chosen for me to be awful and gaudy, however it was elegant. The lace along the neckline mimicking the flames associated with Eris’ power. Had I been walking down the aisle to a different groom, I might venture to say that I was excited to be married. However as I stared at myself in my white wedding dress I couldn’t help but feel a tear slide down my face.

A tentative knock reverberated through the room, nearly making me jump out of my skin. I took a deep breath and wiped away a stray tear.

“Come in,” I said with shaky words looking at the double oak doors through the mirror before me.

The door opened slowly, whoever it was looking around the room before entering. A large figure finally popped it’s head in, eyes finding me immediately. I would know that jet black hair anywhere.

Cassian.

I whirled around to meet his gaze as he shut the door, taking slow and tentative steps towards me. His eyes searched my face for any hint of anger or resentment.

“Cass,” I breathed, as if to assure myself he was really there.

“You look beautiful,” he smiled looking me up and down, but I could see the veiled sadness on his face. He was putting on a front, and a bad one at that.

“Thank you,” I say, taking a tentative step towards him. “How did you get in here?”

“They don’t have you that well guarded,” he chuckled, stepping closer till he stood before me. Neither of us reached for one another, unsure of where we both stood. It felt wrong not to instantly wrap my arms around him. “I don’t like where we left things,” he continued.

“Neither do I,”

“I wanted to say that I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I yelled at you that night. I’m sorry about the things I said,” he starts again. His hands reach for mine but pull back as if afraid to touch me. “I wanted to say that I understand now. And that I think you are incredibly brave to be doing this for Velaris. I’ll never be happy that you’re marrying Eris, and I’ll always wish it was me. But I understand now, and I respect the love you have for your people, and the lengths you’re willing to go to to keep them safe. Will you forgive me?”

I feel the stray tear pricking my eye once more, “There was never anything to forgive Cass. I was more upset with myself for giving you false hope. For going along and loving you and acting like things were going to be alright when I couldn’t guarantee it.” I sigh, casting my head down, unable to face him.

I feel his gentle calloused hand tip my chin up to meet his gaze. His eyes, that beautiful hazel, glassed over. Despite it all, despite what I put him through, there is still so much love in them, and I know I’ll never really deserve it.

“Loving you was the greatest gift I’ve ever known, and ever will know,” he smiles as if he’s remembering the short time we did have together. “I’ll be here waiting if you should ever change your mind or in case something ever happens.”

“Cass,” I start to protest but he stops me.

“I’ve loved you for so many years y/n. There can be no one else but you. If I don’t get to have you until we are both old and gray so be it. I’ve waited this long,” he assures me cupping my cheek.

I don’t even have words to reply to his confession. Boundaries be damned. I threw myself around him pulling him as close as possible. His arms tighten around me like he had been waiting for me to make a move. In the embrace there’s an understanding, an unsaid agreement.

I back away to see those hazel eyes once more, my own eyes raking over his body. I notice he’s not dressed in a fine suit jacket, or even his fighting leathers. Instead, he’s donning a loose fitted shirt, something completely unfit for a royal wedding.

“You’re not staying are you?” I ask, pressing a hand to his stubbled cheek that tells me he didn’t shave this morning.

“No, I just had to see you one last time,” he answers, taking my hand from his cheek so he could hold both of them.

The weight of his words shoot right through me, and as I look at him, I let them sink in. I watched as a tear slid down his own cheek, it was the only time I had ever seen the general cry.

“One last time,” I repeated, letting the words consume me.

His eyes glanced down at my lips, a silent plea to taste them again,

“Can I?” he whispered.

“Gods yes,” I sigh.

A hand drifted up cupping my cheek and pulling me into a kiss. The last kiss we might ever share. I poured every ounce of love into it trying to give him something to remember me by, trying to savor every moment of it for when my days ahead were darkest. My chest heaved as if being pulled forward and then…

Snap.

It was as if a piece of me was returned, one I never knew I lost. I pulled back to meet his gaze and by the way he looked at me I could tell he knew, had known. I felt like I was truly seeing him for the first time as that shimmering golden bond glowed between us.

“You’re my-” I started but I jumped at the bang sounding throughout the room.

My eyes met the fiery auburn of Eris’ as he entered the room, at least twenty autumn court soldiers behind him. I didn’t have time to step away as he winnowed to me pulling me away from Cassian.

“You!” he seethed at my general who was already assessing the situation. “I had my suspicions but never the proof and you fell into my trap so easily.” he boasted.

My thoughts scrambled to what Cassian had said earlier…”They don’t have you that well guarded.”

“Restrain the bastard!” Eris ordered his grip on my arm tightening at the command.

“No!” I screamed lurching for Cassian but Eris hauled me back to him.

The soldiers were on him in an instant all of them falling like dominos before The Lord of Bloodshed. Cassian’s eyes blazed with a fury by the likes of which I had never seen before, he wasn’t a general protecting his princess. He was a male protecting his mate.

Eris’ body tensed behind mine as soldier after soldier fell. In an act of desperation I felt him unsheathe the dagger at his thigh, pressing the blade to my throat.

“Oh general,” Eris sang.

It was enough to catch Cassian’s attention for a split second, his eyes widening as he saw the position I was in. A rogue soldier used the small window of time to pull his dagger and stab it through Cassian’s side.

“NO!” I screamed as Cassian hissed, his knees hitting the floor. Immediately the rest of the soldiers were on him, restraining him and binding his wings. His siphons tried to come to light but sputtered out.

“Bloodbane,” Eris smiles, lowering the dagger from my throat. “Stings like a bitch doesn’t it?”

“Eris please, don’t do this. He’s my mate, I didn’t know until now and-”

“I would choose your next words very carefully, pet,” he cuts me off. “Right now your ‘mate’ has been stabbed with a dagger laced in bloodbane, which means that even if your dear brother did know he was here he couldn't communicate with him. As for Rhysand, he now sits in a wedding chapel completely unaware and unarmed with a bloodbane arrow aimed for his fucking throat. And last time I checked the only asset you had was a magic cunt.”

Cassain growled from the other side of the room at Eris’ vulgar words. My eyes flitted to where he was pulling against the restraints.

“However, I consider myself a merciful ruler,” Eris taunted, grabbing my face to meet his stare. “I’ll give you a choice. You either walk down that aisle, be a good little wife, and pop out a couple of heirs as promised, or you call off the wedding and I’ll gut your precious general where he kneels.”

“y/n, no!” Cassian gritted through bared teeth.

I watched my mate struggle to break free, the bloodbane in his system beginning to take over. I looked to Eris who stared at me with hungry eyes. I tried to think of some way out of this, but Eris was right. We had fallen right into this trap, and my hands were tied.

My gaze met Cassian who could read my face like a book, “I’m sorry Cassian, but I once told you that I could never live with myself if something happened to you and I had the power to stop it.” I turn to face Eris and his shit eating grin. “If you promise not to hurt him, or my brother, I will go with you.”

“You will submit to me fully?” Eris asks, raising an eyebrow.

“Yes,” I nod, my mind flashing back to when Rhys was in the same position.

Eris steps closer to me, tilting my head up in an act of dominance, his mouth too close to mine for comfort. I could hear Cassian’s grunts as he continued to try and break free.

“And you’ll warm my cock whenever I please?” he muses, clearly loving the control he has over me.

“Yes,” I grit.

He smiled triumphantly, releasing my chin as he turned to his guards, “Take him away and lock him in the dungeons.”

“You said-”

“When you walk down that aisle and say ‘I do’ then I shall send him back to the Night Court, Jewel of Prythian. I won’t be taking any chances.” Eris growls in my face before turning to Cassian who had now been brought to his feet. “If I ever see you in my court, or anywhere near my wife again Prince of Bastards, I will make sure that she pays the price.”

“You fucking bastard!” Cassian roars, body nearly limp from the bloodbane as he’s hauled off by the guards.

“Wait, let me say goodbye!” I cry running to him, but I’m yanked back by my arm so roughly it nearly pops out of its socket.

“Your obedience begins now!” Eris grits but I pay him no mind thrashing about in his grasp trying to touch my mate once last time as he disappears behind the oak doors.

“Cassian!” I scream for him, tears waterfalling over my eyes.

“y/n!” he shouts back.

But it’s too late. The doors close with a definite slam and I’m left weeping in Eris’ grasp as I hear the sounds of Cassian struggling down the hall.

Cassian’s pov:

Eris was right, the bloodbane hurt like a bitch. Even an hour later as I sat on the cold, wet floor of the Autumn Court cell, the toxin still made me feel lethargic. As if I had taken the world's strongest sleeping tonic.

The worst part of it all was that I could hear everything. The organ playing signaling that y/n was walking down the aisle and the cheers of the people as they finally said their vows. The worst and loudest of them all were the bells.

They rang with such clarity, and joy. The happy little melody could be heard from everyone in the Autumn Court, announcing that the Eris and y/n were finally wed. The ringing made me double over with grief, their sound a reminder that I was the only male in Prythian who could not protect his mate. A shame greater than being a bastard, and one I would carry with me until the end of my days.

Metal on metal screeched from somewhere in the dungeon as a light poured in. The jingling of keys and stomping of boots stopped at the door to my cell and I didn’t even bother to look up. Nothing mattered anymore anyways.

“Come on ‘Prince of Bastards’, time for you to go back to your own court,” the guard grumbled, like hauling me home was a huge inconvenience to him.

I rose to my feet and stepped languidly out of the door. The restraints on my wrists and wings were removed, the skin on my wrists rubbed raw from the blue stone shackles. I was led up the stairs to where the wards ended and was immediately winnowed to the border of the Autumn and Winter Court. The cold blizzards of winter whipping around us and chilling my wings.

“Prince Eris has asked me to remind you that you are now banished from this court. He also says that should you choose to seek out his wife once more you know what the consequences will be.” the guard relayed.

Before I could even think about punching the asshole square in his jaw he disappeared into thin air, no doubt going back to his post in the basement of the palace.

I was left with nothing but the sound of my own thoughts, and the feelings of my own guilt as I flew home towards the House of Wind where I knew Azriel was waiting. The flight was the longest one I had ever been on, as normally I took this route with y/n in my arms.

I had never been so happy to touch down on solid ground once more. Azriel tentatively walked out onto the balcony, two glasses of whiskey in hand. His shadows told him that something was very wrong.

“What the hell happened?” He asked, an alarm ringing in his voice.

The lump in my throat returns as I remember how it all went down. “The bond snapped for her, and she changed her mind. Eris found us, said he had set the whole thing up. I was stabbed with a bloodbane dagger,” I say, lifting my arm to assess the blood leaking from my side. “He told her that if she didn’t marry him he would gut me and Rhys.”

The next words teeter on my lips as I feel my eyes brimming with tears. It felt like pieces of me were being ripped out as I finally confessed to my failure.

“I couldn’t save her,” I choked out, voice cracking halfway through.

The words being uttered into the world was enough to have my knees crashing to the ground. The impact radiating through my body to the open wound on my side that still hadn’t healed. I was sure that Azriel had said something as I heard the glasses of whiskey clatter to the ground. But the roaring in my ears was so loud, so unbearable, that the only thing that assured me he was still there was the arm he slung around my back as he knelt next to me.

y/n’s pov:

The wedding was uneventful and to be honest the only part of it I remembered was when the priestess said, “If there is anyone present who can show just cause why these two may not be joined in matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace.”

The silence that had fallen upon the crowd was so deafening I nearly shuddered. I was stupid to hope that he would come charging in like some fairytale I had read as a child. The smug look on Eris' face as the priestess continued with the nuptials made my blood go cold.

The reception was even worse. I had spent the entire time sipping wine with a bland expression on my face. It seemed as though Eris’ new favorite word was ‘wife’ considering he found a way to use it in every sentence. While most would think it a term of endearment I knew it was just to show his ownership.

“Prince Eris, congratulations on stealing ‘The Jewel’ from us all,” a voice said, cutting across the sea of chatter. I looked up from my lap to find the High Lord of Spring, standing before our table.

“Thank you Tamlin, she is quite the prize,” Eris crooned, placing a kiss to the back of my hand.

“That she is,” Tamlin nodded, his eyes raking me from head to toe. “Almost makes me regret crossing her brother, I would’ve liked to have been in the race for her hand.”

“All in the past now,” Eris smiles, kissing the palm of my hand. “Right wife?”

“Right,” I nod to him before turning to Tamlin. “High Lord, where is the Cursebreaker tonight? I would’ve liked to make my acquaintance.” I ask secretly hoping that my brother might catch a glimpse of his mate tonight.

“Feyre is,” he averts his gaze from mine as if trying to decide what to say. “She is safe at home. Busily planning for the wedding.”

“The wedding?” I inquired further, wondering if Rhys knew.

“Yes we are to be wed soon,” Tamlin beamed with pride. “I’m sure we will see you both present?”

“Of course Tamlin, of course,” Eris assured the High Lord of Spring.

Surely if Feyre was getting married to Tamlin my brother knew. I hoped I would get the chance to tell him. The last thing our court, well I suppose his court now, needed was another separation of mates.

The rest of the night passed on quite slowly. At one point I was able to feel the bond between Cassian and I. It was faint, but it was there, and I almost swore that I felt him tug on it at one point. It wasn’t until people started making their excuses to go home that Eris finally said the words I had been dreading.

“Shall we go to bed, wife?” he mused his lips brushing the shell of my ear.

“After I say goodbye to my brother,” I nod standing up to find Rhys, wherever he was.

“You’ll see your brother soon enough, my pet. For now let us retire to our chambers,” he growled, grasping my arm and winnowing away to what I assumed was his room.

He watched intently from behind me as I took in my surroundings.

The bed was large, draped in furs and crisp white sheets. Wood paneling surrounded the four walls, giving the place an ornate look. The fireplace was a glow, casting a warm light upon the room. If it had been anyone else’s room it would’ve been cozy, maybe even romantic.

The air filled with tension as I waited for Eris to do something, or say something, as I refused to turn and meet his gaze. The only sound heard was the crackling of the fire.

“I’ve waited for this moment for quite a long time,” Eris mused from where I knew he was leaning against the door.

“You’ve made that abundantly clear throughout our courtship,” I say straight, unable to meet his predatory stare.

“How should I have acted when you are so tempting? So innocent, so pure, and now so completely mine,” he purred and I could hear his feet shuffle as he pushed off the wall. “And now that you’ve promised me your submission? Well,” he chuckled. “I’m going to have a great deal of fun with you.”

The hairs on the back of my neck stood up. I knew what was coming and I knew he wouldn’t be gentle and loving like Cassian. I knew that once again my hands were tied.

“Tell me you belong to me,” Eris uttered, taking a step closer to where I stood rigid.

I sucked down the lump in my throat, “I belong to you,” I whispered.

“Tell me you want me to touch you,” he went on, taking another step forward, his presence looming.

“I-I want you to touch me,” I repeated back, a tear slipping down my cheek.

Eris hummed in approval behind me. He took one, two more steps until I felt his warmth at my back. Finger tips danced up and down the backs of my arms causing my breath to lurch in fear. His breath was hot on my neck as his presence sucked out every bit of air from the room.

“Tell me you love me,” he purred.

My heart stopped cold. There were many things I would have to do or say to please Eris in the millennium that I would be tied to him. But these three words? He would never hear them from my lips. Maybe towards our children, but never to him.

“You know it wouldn't be true,” I whisper, feeling the tension radiating from his body.

His hands grip my hips like a brand, ripping my body around until I am face to face with his seething eyes.

“Then I will make it fucking true!” he growls hauling my mouth to his.

Eris had kissed me a thousand times before, not one of those times did I ever enjoy the experience. But this time? This had to be the worst. All of it felt so wrong. Knowing I had a mate. Knowing he was somewhere in this world right now. It made me sick. It was rough, all teeth and tongues. He didn’t want to kiss me, he wanted to devour me.

“Say it!” Eris demanded, breaking apart our so-called kiss.

“I will love your hounds and your mother, I may love your brothers and one day our children, but I will never love you, Eris Vanserra,” I seethed, unable to take much more.

I expected him to growl, or curse or hit me. I expected a thorough lashing for what I had said, but he didn’t even so much as flinch. What scared me more? His mouth curled up in a smirk.

“You forget that you are also a Vanserra now and speaking of heirs, I think it’s time I put one in you right now,” he mused and my stomach bottomed out. “What do you say ‘Jewel of Prythian’ think I can get you knocked up on the first try?” he smiled, backing me to his bed.

There were no words for the terror I felt. No handbook to prepare me for what came next. All I could do was shut down every emotion I had and do my best to become a ghost. A shell of myself.

No matter how hard I tried, it didn’t subdue the pain.

Azriel’s pov:

I thought that getting Cass drunk might help distract him from the feelings floating down the bond tonight, but boy was I fucking wrong.

I had seen my brother lose soldiers and whole infantries. Had seen him lose his first love, the valkyrie, Tanwyn. I was there the day Rhys and y/n went under the mountain and we thought we lost them for good.

None of that compared to the screams of agony that emanated from the male before me.

“He’s fucking hurting her!” Cassian bemoaned, gripping the nearly empty bottle of whiskey.

It didn’t take much to figure out that he could feel everything y/n was feeling through the bond. And at this late hour? It wasn’t hard to guess what Eris was doing to her, and Cassian had to feel every moment of it down the bond.

“Shh calm down Cass you have to try and block her out,” I pleaded with him, gripping his hand in mine.

His eyes were glassed over, his hair tangled from him nearly ripping it out at the roots. He had been like this for well over an hour now, and I almost wished the whiskey would do its job and make him fall asleep simply so he would be unconscious.

“I can’t Az I’ve tried,” he yells at me, nearly slumping to the side from where he sat on the floor leaning against the wall.

Earlier Rhys had spoken into my mind and asked if everything was alright. I had lied of course, telling him everything was fine, not wanting to insert myself in my brother and the princess’ business. Now I wished I had told him to come if only for him to break into Cass’ head and make him sleep. Watching him feel everything his mate was feeling while she was being… well there weren’t words for it.

“Breathe Cass, breathe,” I soothed, trying to get him to catch his breath long enough to breathe in and out fully.

“I-I can’t,” he cried. “My mate.”

His voice resonated with hopelessness and brokenness, reminiscent of the tragedies depicted in literature. This situation felt nothing short of hellish. For centuries, I longed for a mate—a bond that every fae yearned for. But witnessing how it tormented Rhysand, and observing its impact on Cassian, made me question if I truly desired a mate. In my 500 years of life, I had never seen a male stripped down to his core as profoundly as this.

y/n’s pov:

The next morning I woke up late in the day, the atrocities of last night lasting well into the early hours of the morning. It took me a moment to get my bearings. I wasn’t in the House of Wind, I was in Eris’ room. It wasn’t Cassian’s arms around me in a possessive grasp, it was Eris’.

I slowed my heartrate down enough to assess the room around me. Behind me, Eris was fast asleep, which meant I had a few moments to collect myself before he woke. I looked around the room for a second space and found a door ajar that appeared to lead to a bathroom. I saw my opportunity and took it, carefully wiggling out of Eris’ grasp.

My body ached all over, especially between my legs, but I pushed through until I stood from the bed. I tiptoed over to the bathroom, shutting the door as quietly as possible. Thankfully there were two robes hung on the door. The one for Eris made up of thick cotton, and the one for me made of a cream colored silk.

I reached for the silk robe and slipped it over my bare body, noting every large bruise and handprint that littered my skin. A problem for a later time, I told myself.

I must’ve spent fifteen minutes in the bathroom collecting myself. Constantly repeating my new found mantra.

I will not cry.

I spent so long taking deep breaths that I thought I was prepared for whatever came next. But the second I opened the door and saw Eris standing, staring down at the white sheets of the bed expectantly I knew I was sorely mistaken.

“You didn’t bleed,” Eris stated, tossing the bedsheets aside, stalking towards me.

“What do you mean?” I replied feigning innocence like I didn’t know what he meant.

My heart began to beat out of my chest as Eris stalked closer and closer to me. How could I have been so stupid? To overlook the one thing that meant the most to him in this entire facade.

“Virgins are supposed to bleed the first time they are taken by a male, yet you didn’t,” he growled, stepping into my bubble as my back hit the wall. Never in my life had I felt so small. “Which means you weren’t pure when you married me, or when you came to my bed.”

Every nerve in my body froze over as I watched him put together the pieces. There was no telling what happened next, and the only thing I could do was beg for mercy from whatever plans Eris had for a soiled female.

“Eris I-”

“Did you let that Illyrian bastard deflower you?” he gritted out, a rough hand came to grip my throat, slamming my head against the wall.

Tears pricked my eyes. Even if I had wanted to answer, the hand on my neck wouldn’t allow me. I could only shake in terror and anticipation of what would become of me.

“You useless, pathetic fucking whore.” he gritted, hand squeezing tighter with every insult. “Our marriage is now null and void by the traditions of my court, which means you no longer have the protection of being called my wife.”

His hand releases my throat and I have mere seconds to suck down a breath before a harsh slap falls across my cheek, knocking the air from my lungs once again. The next thing I know I’m kneeling on the floor, clutching my face. Eris reaches out a hand to yank me up by my hair.

“Let me show you what we do to ran through sluts in my court,” Eris spits in my face.

His hand doesn’t relinquish its grip from my hair. Instead it begins to drag me out of the room and down the hall. My scalp is burning from the tug on my hair. He takes a back corridor reserved for servants and my bare knees bump, slice and break on the rough stone stairs leading down to wherever he’s taking me.

My hands try to find purchase on the walls around me so that I can ground myself and fight back but it’s impossible.

“ERIS PLEASE!” I scream, but my pleas fall on deaf ears.

We reach a basement room that drops in temperature and he finally releases me. I try to catch my breath as I watch him scribble something on a piece of paper, picking up a hammer and nail. I instantly go to cower in a corner as he walks towards me. The autumn prince pulls me out of my fetal position by my ankles pinning me to the ground beneath his weight.

“In case I did get you pregnant on the first try,” he seethes before I feel a sharp pain to my lower abdomen.

I don’t look down, I can’t look down. Afraid of what I might see there when I do. My eyes roll to the back of my head as Eris grasps my arm and a cloud of darkness washes over us.

When the shadow withdraws my bare skin is whipped and flayed by blistering cold winds. The ground beneath me is soft, but ice cold. I open my eyes long enough to see white as far as the eye can see.

The Winter Court.

“And just in case you get any ideas about utilizing that so-called mating bond,” Eris speaks again before another sharp sting plunges into my side.

White hot pain spreads from the intrusion and spreads like acid moving through my veins. I feel like the blood beneath my skin is on fire, and I almost wish it was in order to combat the blizzard around me. Only one thing could disable me like this, bloodbane. The very same used on Cassian.

“You’ve brought this upon yourself, ‘Jewel of Prythian’. I hope that bastard general was worth your life and your court. Because when Hybern comes to call it won’t be Autumn Court armies that come to your aid.” Eris says, the disgust in his voice evident.

I can’t speak, can’t even think about anything but the agony I feel. The throb from my lower abdomen and from my side. The bite of the wind and snow on my bare skin. I can barely register the cloud of darkness as Eris winnows himself away, leaving me with nothing but a silk robe for warmth.

I reached down with a cold hand to rip the dagger from my side. I hoped if I could stop the bloodbane from spreading that I might be able to use the bond to call Cassian. The second I discard the dagger blood stains the white snow surrounding me, and I realize my mistake. My hand grasps at the open wound, attempting to apply pressure. As I sat there, bleeding and freezing to death I thought of one thing.

It was all for nothing.

All the pain, all the suffering. Hurting Cassian, hurting myself. It had all been for nothing. I was dying and alone, fingers and toes already losing feeling and I still had no army for my people. Cassian nowhere in sight to save my body and my soul. And I would die here knowing that it was all for nothing.

Because time was of the essence, and no one was coming.

Part 10

Taglist: @crystalferret202 , @nickishadow139 , @graceshifts , @writeroutoftime , @heyyitsnat21 @stinkinstuffie , @lilah-asteria , @12358 , @fxckmiup, @daughterofthemoons-stuff, @mybestfriendmademe, @anxious-study, @bxm-1012 , @mal-adaptive-dreams , @sh4nn , @talesofadragon , @5onedirection5

Been having some trouble with tagging so if you get the notif twice I'm so sorry

Permanent Taglist: @fides25, @dissociated-always

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balkanradfem · 2 months ago

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To the anon who sent me a message about how she hates her era of being libfem and can't forgive herself!

I think the only way we can go easy on ourselves is to see that it happened to all of us, all of us were affected and most of us were trying to be kind, understanding and reasonable in those times, and what was presented to us as 'kind and understanding' was saying 'not all m*n'.

And the thing is, we didn't have all the information back then. We didn't have the stats. The actual amount of violence and abuse m*n unleashed on women was carefully and meticulously hidden behind closed doors, endless victim blaming, endless rationalizations. And we were so young! We couldn't have looked at the situation and immediately go 'oh yes it's very clear males are dangerous, violent and destructive and we need to get away from them asap', we all had some connections to males in our lives, we all were at least somewhat manipulated into spending time with them and tolerated their stupidity, and we didn't know yet what was in front of us!

And it's not only the lack of information and real stats being deeply hidden from our eyes, it's the societal pressure. I remember whenever I expressed my opinions on blaming males for their actions, I would be persecuted for it immediately, I would be told I was 'not a real feminist', people in my friend circle would look at me as if I was a disgusting, dangerous and evil creature and they wanted to take distance from me, that's not something a woman can just ignore or feel okay about! We're all susceptible to self doubt when our surroundings tell us that we're wrong, even evil for thinking the way we do. Even when we're 100% right, peer pressure gets to us, gets us to doubt our own minds. We don't often have it in us to fight for our views if we have no support and everyone stands firmly against us.

I don't believe I would fully be able to be a radfem now if I didn't find a community of support and access to all of the information on tumblr, and in all of the feminist books I've been reading; it's the community and access to information that helped me stand firm on facts and reality.

And also there are women in the very late stages of their lives, who are still defending m*n, and in fact, most of women are doing it still, we are in the minority. A lot of information is still being withheld from women. And I don't judge or hate any of them, I know with proper access to resources, information and support, they would all figure it out.

And you did figure it out! There's no shame in getting more information on a situation and then changing your mind and standing firm with reality, it's what people are supposed to do. It's the only way to get closer to reality, to shape our worldview. I believe you're expecting the impossible from your younger self, none of us were able to figure it out immediately, or all on our own, so there's no fault if you couldn't either. And you don't have to be open about it if you don't feel comfortable, but a lot of people would be comforted to know that it's not only them, that it happened to others too, that being a libfem is the only way to eventually become a radfem.

Also I live in a country where feminism itself is still a bad word, and in most places there are not even libfems. Patriarchy is not being questioned at all, no positive statements are published about women. Women here would be estatic even to reach libfem level! And I know it's something we look down on because it's easily co-opted by other movements to promote practices harmful to women, but it is in its inception, a form of feminism, an attempt to fight for positive public opinion of women. It does not come from a place of harm, and most of harm inflicted by it is usually by another movements involvement and influence.

I know it might not affect you at all, but I can tell you that I would never hold you guilty for being a libfem at all. You've done nothing wrong. You've just lived in an era where it was the most feminist thing to do at the time, and you figured out a more effective way and followed that! I'd be proud of that! You couldn't have done anything better than that.

#libfem #radfem #sorry for not publishing the whole ask!#sometimes i will elect not to #but i wanted to answer #feminism #radical feminism #libfem past #forgiving ourselves

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kingdionra · 1 month ago

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hi I've been trying to beg on the fediverse for a while but it's not going very well so I thought I would try here as well >.<

putting the teal deer up front, long explanation & images-for-proof under the cut: two traumatised and disabled queers have successfully run away from abuse but now have no furniture or other household essentials, looking for another €4000* or so to get everything we need + get out of our overdraft

GOAL: €1173/4000

throne link

£ paypal: [email protected]

cashapp: £KingDionRa

DM for roommate's € paypal or my UK bank deets to do a straight transfer <3

also if you want you can get an album for your moneys, i have it up for free download on both my site and on bandcamp :3

*this is higher than the original goal I set on fediverse because I'm including the ebike and winter clothes and getting out of our overdraft (which is costing us a bit in fees every month)...but also this still isn't including new computers which we both need lol but this already feels like so much to ask for!

LONG ASS STORY:

okay so over a year ago i ran away from the uk in its entirety to stay with my internet best friend of over a decade in germany, because i'd been in and out of homelessness there for most of my adult life and just kept ending up with abusers (because that's what happens when you jump at the first chance you get to get out of a homeless shelter by moving in with people you don't know), and then running away from them because they tend to get worse and worse and eventually you'd rather be homeless again than live with someone who continually messes you up and ignores your boundaries and lies to you and bullies you and fucks with your health. and yeah after long enough of that i had zero faith in the system to help me or in local queer groups to do so either, because they're the ones who kept finding me white middle class assholes to live with who turned out to be classist ableist racist shitfaces who talked the talk but failed to walk the walk

anyway, this was not an ideal situation because my best friend was living in a very tiny (25 square meters TOTAL) apartment surrounded by asshole neighbours after also only recently escaping homelessness, but we both found our mental health was VASTLY improved by living together (see it turns out we're NOT the problem!! it was the abusers all along!!!!) despite the very cramped living space (we literally couldn't both stand in the kitchen at the same time and it only had a minifridge and a stovetop) and having to share a room despite NOT being a couple and having no privacy

but eventually that situation got worse and worse due to a literal nazi living next door who engraved swastikas in our mailbox and threatened physical violence on us (pretty sure he thought we were a queer interracial couple and was very mad about that), and things came to a head when he repeatedly called the cops on us for being too noisy at night (we LAUGHED TOO LOUD at gone 10pm omg how dare we) and kept trying to get us in shit with the landlord by making up lies about us

SO, we asked the internet (fediverse) for money to move, and managed to get enough to hightail it the fuck out of there (we actually left the country because neither of us like germany it's, surprise surprise, full of nazis) to a very cheap place in very rural finland where we can each have our own room and that we can actually afford the rent on ourselves but, being poor and desperate, we only asked for literally the bare minimum to move, and left asap, and got here with no furniture, no beds, no household necessities, no nothing.

we've been here 2 months now and have managed to acquire one (1) bed that we're having to share (again we are NOT a couple and the lack of privacy is driving us both up the wall) but we still need:

-a second bed so i can actually USE my own room that i finally have again

-bedding (inc. warm things before winter sets in! and additional covers so we can actually put things in the wash)

-winter clothes before it gets too cold

-a washing machine

-desks and chairs so we can actually sit somewhere and work

-a cargo ebike so we can get to the nearest town (7km) and buy food, rather than relying entirely on non-perishables that we can order over the internet (it's been 2 months since we've had any fresh food and that sucks)

-a new phone for roommate cause theirs broke

-a laptop or desktop for roommate cause they have nothing atm

-a new desktop for me because i only have access to an old shitty kind of broken laptop at the minute (one of the hinges is fucked and i can't close or open it without worrying it will break for good and it doesn't charge right half the time and usually takes multiple attempts to boot up and i'm scared every time that this time will be the time that it just Won't), because when i tried to fundraise for a new one like a year ago i was offered this and didn't think i could say no, but i am very worried it will break any day now, and it is Not Good for recording music on or making art or games (you kind of need to run the games to make them....)

current overdraft:

our very empty living room:

my very empty bedroom:

please help us actually get sorted out and set up in our new place, so that we can actually RELAX for the first time in our lives (i'm 35 and my best friend is 38 >.<)

we both really want to actually do good work and help the world, and i have so much creative shit that i want to get on with but that has just been like, put on hold constantly, for *years*. i have so many stories and games and songs and so much art and a whole-ass comic i want to make and just haven't been able to do ANY of it for so long! (i'm keeping track of all my creative ideas in a huge google spreadsheet that links out to google docs full of properly fleshed out plans for things though, so that i can get to work asap!)

we just need a little bit more help to get started and then we will be giving back SO MUCH, i promise! all my content is and will forever be free! so you can consider this an investment in future works that you will definitely all get access to! <3

thank you so much for reading this far, and for sharing and boosting and donating if you can, you're incredible and awesome and very much appreciated <3

#mutual aid #fundraiser #donations #donate #escaping abuse

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katjohnadams · 7 days ago

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So, it is the end of the world as we know it.

This is not an alarmist statement, it's an unfortunate fact. But you do not need to panic, deep dive into prepper content, or load up for a mad max future.

The end of the world as we know it, this time, is going to be horrifically mundane, and you need to be ready for it. But it won't be fantastical and heroic; it will be surviving on a daily basis.

Understand food safety and prep. Trump will deregulate a lot, and your groceries are going to be more dangerous. Know how to cook things correctly and identify food poisoning quickly. Remember what you ate so if there is an outbreak, what remains of the FDA can figure out the vector quickly. Do not assume recalls worked and be cautious.

Consider a home food garden if that's an option. Growing food is work intensive but rewarding.

Secure your property. Make sure your doors and windows are safe. Locks all working properly. Be able to really lock down your doors if possible.

Take a gun safety course. You don't need to be a gun owner to be in a situation where shit hits the fan and an active shooter occurs near you. If, somehow, a firearm gets dropped at your feet, you should know how to unload, safe, and/or disable it safely.

Get as many forms of ID sorted ASAP. Assume that having legal identification is going to become a needed component of your average day.

Get medically up to date as much as you can manage. Medical services are probably going to be heavily affected by this administration, and not in a good way. Try to get that tooth pulled, that medication updated, etc.

Become a digital ghost. Scrub your online existence to bare needed minimum. Make it as hard as possible to ID you from your socials as possible. Wipe your timelines. Delete pictures. Do not hang your own ass out to dry.

Use secure communication and censor unsecured communication heavily. Communicate digitally as needed and assume it will all be subpoenaed. If it can be accessed in any way by law enforcement, don't say anything you wouldn't say to a judge and prosecutor.

Join some form of mutual aid group. Community networks will be essential for moments the shit hits the fan.

Be ready to assist those who will be oppressed and attacked. That will look very different for every situation, but don't take unnecessary risks.

Do not post on socials offering to provide aid in that manner. That just creates "justifiable" cause for law enforcement to target you. If you want people to know you will help them, be vague as fuck. Do not say you'll drive people to Planned parenthood. Offer to drive people if they need it, no questions asked.

If your socials are or could already be compromised, don't beat yourself up but assume that fixing them is a lost cause. Make new socials as anonymized as possible. Yes, you'll have to basically start from scratch and that sucks, but numbers on social media are not even close to being as important as your literal physical safety.

Have a living will that is known to multiple people and establish Power of Attorney with loved ones now.

Consider removing any bumper stickers that identify you as being progressive. Assume that vehicles with that will be targeted by police and vandals.

But most of all, remember that "the end of the world as we know it" is not "the end of the world, period."

The end of the world as we know it has come many times before and often tragedy follows. But so does life. The sun will still rise. It is our duty to adapt, grow, and be there to see it.

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am-i-the-asshole-official · 1 year ago

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WIBTA if I told my friend I think they're making a mistake by moving/ am not up for a long distance friendship?

my friend(they/them) just started a LDR with their gf(she/her). they met ~3 weeks ago. they've met irl once for a weekend, after that they have been talking about moving out to her pretty much ASAP.

last week we were planning to hang out one day and I woke up to texts from them saying they were cancelling our plans bc they had started driving across the country to their gf at 3am to meet her kids because she expressed not wanting more kids (despite my friend having stated from the beginning of the relationship that they want to carry a child of their own and this is important to them, which she'd previously been enthusiastic about) this made me feel a bit abandoned (my problem ik) but also seems like a really bad idea and if anything a reason to hold off on meeting the kids because of a new found incompatibility. I haven't really heard from them all week. it sounds like they'll probably be back in town mostly to get their stuff before moving.

I'm not really sure exactly how this will play out, but my friend instantly started hanging out with me less and canceling plans as soon as they met, and I am kind of worried about them with how fast this is going, and kids being involved. my friend has repeatedly stated that I'm their "only friend", that I'm very important to them, want me to be there for their wedding and the birth of their child, and talked about me visiting them out there (I'm not really comfortable w this bc their gf is anti vaxx and open carries firearms which is a no no for me, my friend has also said they are uncomfortable with all that btw which feels icky bc they're rescinding boundaries for her). they even suggested me flying out there for my birthday next year ? which I found kind of weirdly insulting, like id have so little going on on my birthday that I'd want to go to the Midwest to be a third wheel and hang out with kids (im a bit younger than this friend in my early 20s and I'm uncomfortable around kids- they just find me boring and it's too much responsibility)

anyway the WIBTA - I want to tell this friend that I think this is kind of a bad idea, and that I'll be there for them if they are back in town - but that I don't plan to travel out to them or call/text much. we never text or call because we know we just don't work that way as friends, we've acknowledged this before - but they keep talking about how we'll stay in touch as if this hasn't been discussed? i feel disrespected by how unrealistic that is, I feel I can't really say a proper goodbye bc realistically that's what it would be and they're in denial of that.

Would this be cruel? I know it will upset them. it's not like im expecting to be able to change their mind, that was never realistic and this is their decision. but I feel like this is something I need to be upfront about to protect myself emotionally. but I'm not sure if my own anger from feeling abandoned for what I see as a potentially very bad situation (even though I know it's not personal) is clouding my judgement, and maybe I should just keep feigning being happy for them? but also I don't want to ghost when they leave, and I really am 100% sure we won't be able to keep in touch long distance. not just bc I don't want to - they started ignoring me when we lived in the same town and their partner was long distance - why would it be better in reverse?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole #anti vaxx and open carries??? where was she on january 6th just asking out of curiosity no reason

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hpdfag · 18 days ago

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oh my god HII!! i’m back from my break and i’d say i’m actually feeling much better :) how have you been??

thank you for sending something! i promise that you don’t even need to but i was really happy you did even then, it just feels so nice that you put some time into it :} also SEVEN HOUR SHIFTS??? what the fuck are they doing to these poor seventeen sixteen year olds at mcdonald’s oh my god. i’m sure it’s incredibly exhausting?? i mean i don’t know how i’d go through that! but i also feel like the idea of getting “adult money” is quite nice knowing most of our lives even 50 was a lot from our parents, so there’s that. make sure to take breaks to balance that because it looks EXHAUSTING?? And with school even then…at least this year will be shorter for you from what you said i mean!! So good luck managing those hours and school. I won’t lie i’m a bit proud? i hope this doesn’t sound condescending but i just feel happy that you’re doing this step and like…growing up. It’s just something incredibly difficult and complex in my eyes and seeing someone i care about actually do it makes me feel pretty happy with all honesty! I hope you understand what i mean :} i might write another message talking about what else you’ve wrote to me that i couldn’t answer earlier! but for now, i hope you’re doing fine even with the seven hour shifts :}

- 🧶

HIHIHI WELCOME BACK its so good to see you again!!! ive been doing alright, trying to manage work and life and school all at the same time is suck a nightmare v_v;; ive ended up kinda neglecting this account which is so sad cuz my feelings havent changed that much!! im just so tired all tha time ...

and of course of course !! id feel bad not leaving something, especially since i had you on my mind! it just made sense to say something, even if it wasnt a lot haha

and YEAG. YEAHHHGGGG. theyve been fuckinf BRUTAL, ive luckily(?) been out sick the past couple of days since i ran out of my antidepressant and your body does not appreciate going cold turkey on an SSRI at all LMAOAOOAOA ... now im just waiting for the manager to get back to me about my schedule for this week since im feeling msrginally better, i could probably finish a shift in my current state with a lot of caffeine, a zofran, and some ibuprofen LOLOL

and it definitely is nice!! most of the money im making im going to be putting in a savings account for college, since my student aid situation is a lot more confusing than i was expecting it to be .. im not entirely sure how our income is going to be calculated? since we get survivorship benefits after my father passed away, and because of the way that program distributes the money, different government programs count it differently, either taking all the money as a whole and counting it as my mom's income or cutting it up into three chunks and counting it as income for each member of my family.

its all so confusing and means i cant reasonably expect to get much help from the fafsa alone, so i need to save up my own money and start applying for scholarships ASAP!! i could go to community college for the first two years, and im even already accepted at the one nearby, but i'd much rather go to the same school for my full bachelors even if it'll be more expensive.. but who knows!! we'll find out eventually.

and don't worry it doesnt sound condescending at all! im really glad you are, ive been changing so much lately and i always worry that it'll alienate the people i care about, especially everyone ive met thru here </3 and it really means a lot to know you're proud of us !!

#... servant's song ♪#... inbox ♪#🧶 . anon #i hope you're doing great !!! ill get to the other messages in just a bit since i shld prooobably eat breakfast LOLOL

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speedlimit15 · 1 year ago

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ok i got to a point where i finally felt normal enough again after going cold turkey off wellbutrin+zoloft (lol please don’t do this btw) and a few weeks ago i started taking ashwagandha and extra strength magnesium gelcaps in the mornings again and i do feel different. more alert less foggy less obsessive. more motivation to do other things. i still think i need more iron and b6/12. thankfully tension tamer tea has some of the latter and i can get actual pills for all of them at the store. very important to take care of asap since i just know i won’t be comfortable cooking in our new living situation/we won’t have our own fridge space. once i get those levels back up umm i’m hoping i’ll be able to have enough energy to move around/stand up without being lightheaded and the variety of types of jobs im comfortable applying for will open up considerably. i really really want to try the ketamine clinic but i think that’s just going to have to wait until we’re in our own place again and we have more expendable cash. and who knows maybe i’ll magically feel better and i won’t need to spend all that money begging my brain to love me despite the physical circumstances

#talking about my current state of affairs with meds/vitamins

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polyamorouspunk · 7 months ago

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hi hello I hope you're day evening etc. is going alright. sending metaphysical pancakes or sth your way if you want them and if you're up to it maybe asking for. advice. in return. though I'm strongly assuming the only solution here is ✨communication✨ but unfortunately on occasion that is scary and hard to figure out

so. my partner wants to live with me. ideally for me to move in with them. which is great! I've been sorta dreaming about that for years! all good, right?

well. the thing is. we've been planning to live together in the past. repeatedly. repeatedly and not continuously because somehow the plans were always cancelled, and hate to say it but never from my side. I don't like pointing this out to them bc it sounds like I'm holding a grudge or sth, though they always had valid reason for backing out and obviously it's better anyway for both of us if they back out if they don't feel ready rather than having to deal with a difficult-to-reverse situation like sharing a living space. but nonetheless it has happened... 3? 4? times over the last... decade or so and I'm having a hard time trusting that this time it's not gonna suddenly pulled back again which would. y'know. hurt kinda.

additionally, we've both moved into our respective flats fairly recently (2 and 1 years aho respectively), and neither is really made for 2 people. theirs would work alright if needed but I'm fairly certain we'd want/need more space sooner rather than later, and I don't really want to move all the time since it's bloody exhausting. and like... we DO have pretty different idk styles of living? they're all about pretty places and a good level of tidiness, and I'm kind of a mess with stuff everywhere and mismatched furniture and decoration bc functionality trumps style and also I collect all the stuff that I like and display it regardless of whether it objectively looks "good". meaning, and in the past we'd always agreed on this, that it'd be good if we both did have separate spaces at our disposal, so the general living space can be nice and aesthetic and they can decorate their space how they like and I can contain my chaos in my own space without bothering anyone much. except now out of the blue they seem adamant to move in together asap and get really excited about it and I HAVE explained most of this but they seem insistent on making it work somehow which is. sweet, and I do love that apparently it's become so important to not be separated from me for long, but I have a hard time trusting that as well due to uhhh our relationship history idk.

it's just. it's sweet and I should be over the moon but I can't share their optimism regarding making it work (I don't want fighting to happen bc I left my stuff lying around too much) and I can't fully trust the whole thing so now it's just them being excited and me being sort of a buzzkill and I'm not really sure how to. address. all of it

sorry this got long haha please don't feel obliged to answer or anything, and take care!

I think your feeling are totally reasonable. I’ve had a partner who would always say they were going to come over and then something always came up so I just… stopped hoping. It’s soul-crushing! I think it’s a reasonable boundary to say “listen this has been an issue in the past and every time you say you wanna move in and then back out even if you have your reasons and they are valid it still hurts me, even if it doesn’t have anything to do with me”. I’m lucky that my ex and I both had similar living styles so the idea was when we moved in together like we would function well. We pretty much already lived together on weekends, so we knew we worked out well. I think having someone stay at your place/stay at someone’s place for a few days is a great test to see how you guys live together. But yeah, as someone who is poly, I’ve always been adamant about the fact I would want my own bedroom in a polycule situation. For a lot of reasons I need my own space in a shared living area. Things like that aren’t easy, and I’m not going to say “it’s just about communicating” because while it is yes it also seems like “maybe your partner needs to work on not getting your hopes up about things like that only to back track” (aka you establishing that boundary).

#punk gets mail #the punk gives advice

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dogfags · 3 months ago

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blah blah journaling here bc my laptop still don't work

this week has been super stressful but my car is finally working again and it didn't cost as much as I thought. Chris and I had a little trial run of us living together bc he had to stay for a week to drive me around everywhere (bless him). praying he gets this job he just interviewed for so he can move in asap. and yes I have hangups about moving in with yet another partner after not dating for a total year but like 😭 dude idk how anybody can afford to live on their own. me and Tara can't make rent with just the 2 of us and it'd be really nice to be able to save some money. and after my car broke down I for sure couldn't afford to split the house bills 50/50. it was Tara's idea to invite Chris otherwise I never would have suggested it. and we both have our weird feelings and fears about it, to a healthy degree I'd say. I mean idk. my attitude rn is kinda like, I think I've already been through the worst it could possibly get with moving in with a partner? like there's no way it could be worse than That, even if we do break up. we have our own separate spaces also which was the only saving grace me and my ex had after we broke up so that's good. but I also just don't rly see things going so poorly. I mean idk. u never rly know somebody. but Chris just SEEMS different and has actually told me he wants to marry me and be with me forever etc. he is a more open and honest communicator than anyone else I've ever dated. won't be like my ex where he went off and binged a bunch of drugs then lied to me about it, bought a gun and brought it into our house, cheated on me, broke up w me then threatened me with suicide when I decided to move on. like actually fucking crazy person type shit. I can't believe I put up with so much in my last relationship. literally a nightmare. and I can't believe ppl were blaming ME for all that shit 😭 idfk dude. I'm so glad to be out of that situation and living my life now. as stressful as it is rn with school and work I'm still so much better off than I was. Chris is actually a huge sweetheart and shows me affection and loves me in the ways I need to be. and spends time with me. and talks to me lol. like I'm Sorry but after talking over all this with my therapist for so long I've kinda come to the conclusion that none of that shit was my fault. it sucks that some ppl got caught in the crossfire but again it wasn't my fault. I'll take ownership of going back on my word by sleeping w somebody at the house. that was shitty but also? maybe don't cheat on me and lie to me the entire relationship and I'd actually gaf 😭 he got his stupid little "revenge" for that anyway lmfao. I just fr cannot believe the shit I've been through with the awful awful people I've dated.

in an ideal world Chris and I could live on our own for a bit before we move in together but the job market is fucked, the housing market is fucked, and neither of us could rly afford to do that. sooo we just gunna have to move in together. and I was rly reluctant at first but everyone I've talked to has been super in support of it bc he's just such a good guy. plus we've been friends for a few years anyway so it's not like I started dating this stranger then he moved in. we used to talk semi regularly in college. would have hung out if I ever had time.

for a second I was worried I'm like, a bad person who does horrible things and I Have made bad choices don't get me wrong but like. I'm not evil or irredeemable. I have all these friends now who actually love me?? and I made them myself? wild. also quite literally everyone I've talked to about the past events have been like ya dude ur a victim 😭 I feel more guilty about the shit that happened w Friday than I do w my recent ex. bc some of that was objectively my fault bc I was in such a horrible manic episode I was acting crazy. they did kinda SA me but like. idk man. I'm insane sometimes.

the whole thing with that friend saying that "my stress is not their problem" kinda just. idk. idk if we will ever rly be close again. they kind of refused to apologize for anything they said to me or for screwing me over in housing. plus all the shitty posts they made about me. like idk. we talked it over irl and like kinda made up? but I still don't think she ever even said she's sorry lol. and for months I blamed myself for my ex being suicidal bc of all that. until my therapist and I went over it again and again and I've kinda just realized none of that was rly my fault. if anything staying with my ex after the first incident was my mistake. but I felt rly trapped bc we lived together. that's what is so hard about living with a partner especially when you haven't been with them super long. like idk. I have a good feeling abt Chris. I genuinely do want to spend my life with him. I never rly felt that way abt my ex. even when they were moving in I was like ya this is fine/fun for now. but I never felt like my ex was my soulmate or anything. not that I rly believe in that shit. but Chris and I just connect and get each other on a different level. it's the first time I've ever rly felt truly understood by someone.

the things I feel guilty for are more like, I feel guilty for staying with the people who hurt me even after I've already accepted in my mind that they aren't the one. and I do that bc I'm scared of being alone and scared of confronting myself and the reality that it's not a perfect love story or whatever. and my ex did try to fucking. reel me back in after we broke up and keep me there but not fully there. but I removed him from my life after I had had enough and I am proud of myself for that. I don't need someone like that in my life, even as a friend. wishing the best for u but I don't want to be there to see it. after Friday SAd me I should have just ended it but again I stayed bc I was scared. and what I feel most shame for is manically scrounging up a plan to break up without actually breaking up and then making a fool of myself by "proposing" like God that's just so embarrassing lol. but idk like my therapist said I can't fully blame myself for the decisions I make when I'm in a manic episode bc that's just straight up Not Me. like part of the diagnostic criteria for a manic episode is making choices you would not otherwise make. I'm not crazy. I was just deeply traumatized and triggered and couldn't find a way out of it. then ofc they tried to screw me over in every way possible. I make bad choices in people I date. and I look back and I'm like, but if I'm the common denominator of all these people I dated, aren't I the shitty one?? like surely I pushed these people to madness right lol like they weren't bad people they just became corrupted bc I forced them into craziness. idkkkk my therapist also says I can't look at it like that. and that people with lifelong CPTSD often end up in abusive relationships bc of trauma and patterns and shit. so. there's that

while I am wary of possibly repeating my shitty patterns I also just have a good feeling about Chris. I'm at a point in my life where I'm done dating "for fun" like I actually want to find someone to spend my life with now. and I think he could be it. like idk people are like "when u know u know" and I just Know with him. he's such a good person, basically everything I've ever wanted out of a partner. he's smart as fuck and creative and interesting and sweet and loves my friends and has a lot of his own friends and we have similar ways of thinking and want the same things out of life. same lifestyles and same plans for our futures. he's highly emotionally intelligent and I feel like he'd never lie to me. I can trust him. he's always there for me. he's very helpful and never complains about helping me. he helps without even being asked. like mans fr just did our dishes. and I KNOW THE BAR IS IN HELL but fr lmao. I was a little apprehensive at first about dating, and I'm a little apprehensive about moving in together, but my gut says this is right and will help us both out a lot financially. and emotionally tbh.

so yea those are my updates. hopefully he gets this job and then can move in in September. and then I just have 6 months of school left. it feels like I have to grind forever for the rest of my life but it won't be forever. I just gotta get through this and it'll all be worth it. blaaaghdjdnns

#barks #long ass journal fo today

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asmoteeth · 2 years ago

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*Hand stretches out from a black hole and hands you this and a friendly pat* I don't know about you, but Wedge going all protective mode with Hotshot is something that makes me vibe. Idk why, but to me, Wedge will always be larger and bulkier, even if it’s just a tiny bit, than Hotshot….

Imagine: Wedge, while searching for Hotshot, walks just in time to see some student (maybe from the first years) trying to get close to him. The problem? A) it's obvious that their reasons to do so is only cause he's THE Hotshot (he's famous and all that) B) Hotshot gets more and more nervous as the bot gets more pushy, and is clear that he's highly uncomfortable with the unwanted attention

Hotshot gets the memo, a bit late, that trying to get out of this situation by being polite won't work, and as a result: he gets his ass cornered real quick….right in front of Wedge, who has watched the entire sequence and went from angry to furious. Really fast, the fan gets forcibly removed from Hotshot space, and while not happy to receive this treatment, they know better than to face a bot way larger than them and clearly pissed off

And I'm talking about the whole con worthy pissed off look: sharp fangs bared in a snarl, plating all flared up (which only makes him bigger) and with cold-dark optics simmering with rage; if Wedge had claws, they would also be out too (some instincts never go down, no matter the faction) Because of this display (and the underlying promise of violence), they choose the only logical option left: they run (cause they wanna live long enough to graduate ofc)

Meanwhile, HS is holding into Wedge, a bit shaken from this experience but also simping hard (cause seeing his boyfriend like this does things to him). Only to get his face cupped between W servos and softly asked if he is alright (his simpmeter goes ballistic from this, and his optics are permanently heart shaped)..... And yeah, I visualize HS like that meme “I'm scared and aroused”, but I think “I'm scared and simping” is more appropriate for this case.

These two need a cuddle session, like asap. Now that I think of it….this could also apply to a scenario where HS actually faces danger of some sort (I give you this scenario, you do whatever you want with it)

If you ever wanna talk about wedgeshot, my chat is always open (the ship is quite small, so if we don't collaborate/brainstorm to make content, then who else will?). Also, I find your Recruit HW au to be quite adorable, specially when you regard him as a particularly spicy kitten….

... you are gonna absolutely gonna go ballistic over the fanfic I have in the works rn...

ALSOOOOOO!!!!! RECRUIT HEATWAVE IS NOT MY AU it's property of @wildlygay I'm just a big fan <33 the only RBA AU I own is the GU!AU (Grown up! Au, I see why you could get these two confused since I use my GU!Hotshot as P!Hotshot)

I would love to have chats over our headcanons! You're free to crash into my DM's at whatever time you want (I have busy days anyways, but I check tumblr a lot so I'm gonna deff gonna be able to see them) you can also leave them in the asks anyday!! <33

#asmo asks #wedgeshot asks #asmo.txt

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steppenwolfofslytherinhouse · 10 months ago

Text

Rebirth

Can a person with Heavenly Restriction really die?

Toji x reader (eventually lol)

Warnings:none for this part?

notes: reader has a name (I always give my characters names idk y/n just doesn't fit),AU kind of?,slow burn if I get to actually writing this whole thing,basically an attempt to get back into writing,my brain is rotting.

(if there should be any more notes/warnings,pls let me know!)

-We need to get our hands on that book asap.

-You actually think...

-I don't think anything,Jason,the problem is I don't know.None of us do.So we need to he digging under every possible stone.

Toji kept quiet for now,listening to this exchange.

He thought to himself once again how...normal both of them were taking it.Like your regular issue at work or something.Hey,photocopier broke again.Yeah,I got it.

There was nothing regular about this situation.

...Not in the least.

It's been over a week now that Toji showed up uninvited at their-well,her,he supposed-apartment.And "showed up uninvited" was putting it very,very mildly.

He was dead.He KNEW he had died.Twice.He remembered the second time as clearly as the first.No question about it,he was dead dead.And yet somehow he doubted this was his afterlife.

-...Toji?How about it?

He realized he'd been spacing out as her voice brought him back.Her piercing light-brown eyes were studying his face.Always studying.Like she was trying to X-ray his mind.Somehow,he didn't find it disconcerting.Not anymore.

-Sorry, what was that?

-I was asking if any of those,um...jujutsu sorcerers I believe you said?,-she watched him nod,then went on.-Is it possible any of them possess the power to do this to you?Throw you all the way to another universe?,-her voice was calm.As it always seemed to be.

Toji took a moment to think about it carefully.Nothing was impossible,he assumed.The question then begged itself who and WHY would they do it.Toji had manu enemies,true,but where was the vengeance in basically giving him another life in another world?It made no sense.Especially considering this world seemed to have neither jujutsu sorcerers nor Curses at all.

Although...it didn't lack its own "perks".

He'd learned Jason was a vampire barely a day into his new life here.A vampire.He was skeptical at first but there was something about Jason so...visibly non-human that anyone with sharp eyes and senses would start asking questions.

Then there was her.Airin.

At a first glance,she seemed like a regular human.And physically,she was.It was her personality that sometimes left one speechless and bewildered.

Ten minutes into discovering an unknown man in her living room,she was asking him if he remembered where he was when he died.She asked him what year did he think it was,listened to his answer,then reported calmly to him that he had skipped almost twenty years ahead.The following day was the day he saw most of her.After that,she was barely around or if she was,her nose was constantly buried in this or that book.

No,she was not avoiding him.She simply didn't let anything disrupt her routine.

On the contrary, Jason seemed to be around a lot.He,too was more often than not reading,searching,scribbling something away.After a lengthy discussion between him and Airin (Toji was also present,of course,but mostly just listening and taking in every piece of information he could),Jason switched his focus on researching travel between universes,after-death experiences and such.

- Unprecedented,-Airin was saying,her arms folded and her eyes distant.-Jason and I had our share of encounters with...supernatural phenomena,but never once have we heard of anyone travelling between universes.Using death as a transportation,no less,-she gave a dry chuckle.

-The reincarnation theories?,-Jason suggested,bringing in cups of coffee for himself and Toji.Airin was probably on her tenth cup already.

-Very questionable possibility.Your old body doesn't reincarnate with you,-Airin mused.She has read tons on the subject,but it never seemed quite enough to satisfy her curiosity.

So everyone being in a bit of a stump,Airin had asked Toji if he wanted to stick around.They had an extra futon in Jason's room,they'd get him some change of clothes and anything he needed.It was almost December and even here,in central Japan,it was bound to get colder soon.He could stay while they tried to figure out what the hell happened exactly and maybe find a way to help.Airin reported all of this casually-one'd think she was a hotel manager,handing him the room key and wishing him a pleasant stay.

It didn't take Toji long to consider all of his limited options.He was dead but alive,in a time he didn't know,still in Japan but in a different part of it and,oh yeah,in a different fucking universe.

He needed time to regroup.Whether these people actually knew what they were doing or not,whether they could really help him remained to be seen.

He also decided to spend this time observing and studying them.

Jason presented himself as an easier case at first.He was pleasantly chatty if the occasion called for it;he seemed like an open book.It was almost impossible to deduce what his relationship with Airin was at first-they had no visible family resemblance,bickered like an old married couple at times,but slept in different rooms.Friends?Distant relatives?At that time,it was only a couple of days since his "rebirth" so Toji didn't ask any personal questions that had no immediate connection to his case.But neither Airin nor Jason seemed to have any walls built against him;quite the contrary,any questions he might have had,they'd answer.So it was almost impossible not to grow comfortable around them.Toji judged that if he wanted to learn more about Airin,though,getting Jason to talk was probably his best chance.

Of course,he could also learn a few things simply by studying his surroundings.One day,when Airin was at work and Jason was out as well,Toji took his time to take a little tour.

To be fair, there was not much to tour in the first place.Airin's home was a typical Japanese studio apartment in a nice,quiet neighborhood.This meant there was only one fairly spacious room-living room/bedroom and Jason's room/extra library was down a narrow flight of stairs...in the closet.

-Yeah,I'd keep that info away from the landlord's ears,-Airin commented when she first saw Toji's reaction.Jason snorted.-He doesn't need to know we have a vampire freeloading in a secret basement that's not supposed to be there in the first place.

-Hey!

-What?You don't pay rent,do you?

-I do...tasks!Around the house!

-Drinking my coffee and occasional grocery trips don't count.Take it up to HR.Or...VR in your case,since you're not human.

The bickering was cut short as Airin,of course,had to go.

Finally left all alone (just how much did she trust him?),Toji walked around the room,first noting the obvious-bookshelf that took almost an entire wall,a desk with two chairs,kotatsu positioned comfortably in the middle of the room,an electric piano in one corner and two guitars in another.And books,books everywhere,including floor and windowpane.All of this told him the woman had tons of hobbies but not much of her personality in depth.

Then he walked back to the desk and studied the pictures and drawings covering the wall above.

First thing that caught his eye was a big poster consisting of many small photos,like q collage.All of the pictures were with little kids, kindergarteners from the looks of it.Judging from the most obvious-that she lived alone (forgetting Jason for a moment) and looked awfully young-certainly these were not her kids.Which begged the conclusion that Airin was probably a teacher.Further inspection of the wall only strengthened this opinion in Toji's mind-there were almost a dozen drawings of all sizes,some of them sporting writings like:"To Airin","Happy birthday,Miss Airin" and so on.Other photos included two or three of the same people,probably Airin's friends.

Doesn't look like there are any pictures of family,Toji mused,wrapping up his inspection and taking a seat at the kotatsu.He also took a moment to marvel that his initial impression of her somehow didn't go with an image of a teacher at all.A kids' teacher at that.

Later that day,after Airin came back from work,Jason had also returned from his mystery trip.

-I went to the library,-he reported.-....a far away one,-he added for what Toji thought was purely dramatic purposes.-I scoured their sections on time travel,universe travel,basically everything.Brought back some books for research purposes...

-Stole them,huh?,-Airin chimed in,giving Jason a judgy stare.-How low you have fallen.

-I'll take them back!,-Jason fumed instantly,then rolled his eyes.-...Maybe.

-Hard emphasis on "maybe".

-Anyway,-Jason pushed on.-From what I gathered by scanning them all quickly...wouldn't get my hopes up.

-Way to encourage the audience,mate,-Airin snorted,finally taking a seat.She has been busily unpacking her work stuff,doing ten things at a time,as usual.-What if the man has a family to get back to?,-her eyes switched from Jason to Toji so fast that the latter was caught by surprise.He thought this was a first in both his life AND death.

-Do you have a family waiting for you?Someone you'd want to get back to?,-there it was.The X-ray gaze.This was probably the first personal question she's asked him in over a week that he's been here.That was another slightly puzzling thing about Airin-she didn't pry.She only ever asked the necessary questions-what was the last thing he remembered,how his body felt (considering he was dead) and so on.

He realized they were both expecting an answer.He took a moment to think and pick his words carefully.

-...Not really,no.There's...no one,-there was his son,but he was safely taken care of.He didn't need Toji back in his life.

He watched Airin and Jason exchange knowing looks.

-What?Did I make an impression of a family man?,-Toji asked both of them dryly,but his eyes stayed glued to Airin's.She gave a curt,humorless chuckle.

-Not at all.But impressions based solely on one's appearance can be rather misleading,-her eyes were on him as well.He couldn't help but think she left part of her thoughts unsaid.

-I don't know,your father looked every bit as evil as he was,-Jason shrugged casually.Toji's mind was instantly focused on every word.

-And yet you spent decades playing his lackey,-dark sparks of amusement danced in Airin's eyes.Jason opened his mouth to reply,thought better of it and closed it again.There was a pause.

-You two sure bicker like family,-Toji put in before they could change the topic.-Or an old married couple.

Airin snorted.Even Jason couldn't help but grin in amusement.

-You got us there,-Airin raised her hands as if giving up.-Little brother here had a change of heart when my father decided sacrificing one of his daughters would be a fun way to gain some more power.

Toji blinked at them,speechless for a moment.Meanwhile,Jason was fuming again.

-I'm older than you.

-Not in your human years,you're not,-Airin shut him down dryly,then returned her attention to Toji.-I know it probably sounds like...a lot of bullshit.Sometimes I can hardly believe it myself.

She didn't look emotional at all.It was like she was reading someone else's biography and gasping at appropriate places.Jason,misjudging Toji's silence for bewilderment,quickly stepped in.

-We're not technically...siblings,of course.Relatives almost 200 years apart.So we usually go with half-brother story for convenience's sake,-Jason explained.

Toji nodded absentmindedly,trying to absorb all of this information.

-Your father tried to kill you?,-the words left his mouth before he could stop himself.

-Oh,not me.My sister.My actual sister,-she gave Jason a cheeky look and he rolled his eyes.-Wanted to power me up,apparently,-she shrugged.-Then probably use me too for his own purposes,who knows.

-Power you up?How?

-Magic,-she replied simply.-My father dabbled in a lot of shady stuff.Probably explains how he stayed alive for a few centuries.

-Was he also a...

-Nope,not a vampire.Just a dark arts enthusiast,-she sighed,shaking her head as if she couldn't believe what some people chose do to with their free time.Before Toji could pursue the topic further-there were about a hundred more questions he needed to ask-Airin stood up and scooped up all their cups to take them back to the kitchen.-I have to be up early.Gotta get ready for bed.

Jason nodded and got up as well.Toji must have looked very thoughtful when Airin returned to the room because she took a moment to gaze at him silently and only when he raised his eyes to meet hers did she speak.

-A lot to take in,huh?,-Airin offered a little smile.-Stick around,you might discover the rest of the huge iceberg buried in the water.

#jujutsu kaisen #jjk #toji fushiguro #toji x reader #jujutsu kaisen fanfic #jjk au #jjk spoilers #jujutsu kaisen spoilers

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mejomonster · 2 years ago

Text

So I watched episode 1 of unintentional love story:

I'm inexplicably reminded of Yu Liang from Qi Hun/Hikaru No Go by the main character, even though this guy is less intense. I think it's partly appearance, partly how Insistent This Guy is once he has a goal

The other main guy (acting choices wise) reminds me also of an intense character, moonjo from Strangers from Hell and the lead from Bulgasal l. I know. Weird comparison choices lol. I mean it in a good way though? Just like, both of these men feel like strong actors with solid presence on screen and as Characters both feel like you get a sense of their personalities from their behavior. I would say it's just solid acting

Also reminded of Hikaru No Go cdrama in terms of tone? Like, as you all know I'm not normally a romcom fluff person usually if there's no action or angst or murder I just Cannot focus or get into a story. Sometimes if there's comedy, but usually fluff just isn't my thing. Well this show isn't comedy (although it's got some), but it's got this almost heartfelt realism that Cherry Magic and Qi Hun have. It's feels like real life but Just This Side of Gentler. Like... the main guy clearly was manipulated by work, probably Should get another job permanently, is screwed by the capitalist work in a big corporation you're disposable to Problem (which possibly is also what reminded me of Strangers from Hell). He's not actually ON a fluff vacation, those are very real scary finacial problems and very real weighing life stressors when work is fucked. He takes it with a healthy dose of "Well ill try my best to get through this" (which is why this isn't gonna turn into a heavy psychological horror, and I'm sure the intro wirh his one level headed supportive friend surely helps him sway toward Handling This with a level head). But yeah, this feels like it can become a heavy topic show when it needs to. I am occasionally into a show like this, and this one caught my attention.

I like that it's not trying to be romcom (again ToT). It's not that either are focused on love asap. Main guy actually has a slightly shady goal, and knows it, and I'm excited/terrified for that to come up later. Other main guy? Hes got some baggage Clearly, possibly also work situation is Fucked/he was taken advantage of financially with a bad deal or something as well. I like the way it sets up a dual secret Actual goals versus pursuit on the surface. Almost like the crime cat mouse mutual investigation suspicion dynamic I love, but in a more mundane realistic context: one guy lying to get info and closer, and the other cautious and guarded because he's suspicious of motive (rightly so).

I like the coffee owner actor, he doesn't feel as as intense of a presence yet but he is a side character so thats to be expected. He felt uniquely his own feel so i liked him (and I like the side character shop owners and feel there's a big vibe in this show of like "work is unideal and fucked up at times and we connect with others emotionally and try our best" idea where genuine emotional friendships should be prioritized over our work lives and stresses, and I like that as a foundation in the show). I also am Intrigued by guy with tattoos. I'm curious if they'll be the second couple...

Overall solid start, I recommend if you're into this kind of show!

#unintentional love story #lb

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pausemeplayme · 1 year ago

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MULTIPLY-DISABLED QUEER COUPLE NEEDS OUT OF PARENTS HOUSE!

Good news: We finally found a place to live that’s within our budget!

Bad news: They recently replaced their entire management staff because of rampant corruption and embezzlement issues, leaving over 500 unfulfilled work orders, including the cleaning and damage repair costs to the unit we were approved for.

In order to move in now (so we can get out of my parents house, which we all DESPERATELY need to do ASAP for our mental and emotional well-being) we’ll need to fix the broken toilet, bathtub faucet, closet door, and track lighting ourselves. We’ll also need a bunch of cleaning supplies and drywall repair supplies and paint.

My current estimate for everything to get the place livable is $400.

I’m 90% sure we can scrape together the pro-rated rent and deposit fees on our own, but it’s gonna be a rough week (physically and mentally!) with all the work we have to do for the apartment, plus the strain of moving furniture and boxes, as well as my spouse working full-time.

I’m disabled and can’t work, but I’m offering landscape commissions if anyone needs a nice wall decoration or a background for their characters? DM me for info on that if you’re interested!

Any help at all is so appreciated! Even just $1 would go a long way to making this place livable and getting us out of a living situation that is very quickly deteriorating our health!

If you can’t help out, or even if you can, a reblog would be so helpful as well! Thank you!

Cshapp: $N7Sphinx

Vnmo: @ N7Sphinx

PayPal: @ N7Sphinx

$0/400

#ennemmess #an empty #doh nation

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nix-that-rad-lass · 2 years ago

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Do you think too many women settle for men and get married and regret it? This is probably obvious and random but I feel like I’m in a situation right now where maybe society tells us that if a guy comes along who agrees with you on a lot of things and wants similar things to you then you should jump on it but I also think it could deffo be depressing lol and if it’s not there then it’s like a waste of my time and life possibly and also my future (without sounding selfish)

Personally I’m torn on this because I wanna be hopeful and happy and stuff and I want that for other women but I genuinely just think marriage in any capacity ESPECIALLY to a man is so so so risky. It’s so hard because either way you will get emotionally attached, either way he MIGHT break your heart, but if you aren’t married he can’t trap you as easily and you can just walk away a little easier (not always since abusive relationships and shit but it’s one less barrier) however if you have any mutual investments such as a car house or children then that’s so much harder if you’re unmarried, if you break up you don’t necessarily have a contract stipulating how assets are divided, and there is nothing guaranteeing your fiscal safety.

I’d say for most women, if you are in any capacity considering a long term and serious relationship with a man and he is one of the not-so-bad ones (or maybe those less than one in a million actually decent or good ones), consider writing up contracts and actually having some sort of lawyer involved.

I’m only 18 and not super well versed in all this but I have done some of my own thinking and this is just my own conclusion:

- Marriage in our current society harms women. Point blank.

- If you seek a serious long term relationship, you and your partner need to find a way outside of marriage to signify your commitment to one another in

An emotionally fulfilling way (I.e. a courtship ritual, if you wanna get all biological. This would take the place of rings, a wedding, vows, etc, and preferably be a recurring/ongoing thing)

A logically fulfilling way (I.e. how you divide or combine your assets, your contingency plan if things go wrong or if you split, AND your plans to help your relationship be successful or how to repair it if it is less than ideal)

- always have a failsafe plan and retain as much of your independence and autonomy as possible. You are your own person, you deserve to live your own life. Your relationship should ENRICH your life, NOT define it

-above all, accept that nothing is truly permanent. People grow and change and that’s ok (unless they harm someone). There is nothing wrong with realizing that someone you loved for a long time has changed and then taking steps to separate from them. You loved them once, perhaps still do in some way- you want what is best for both yourself AND them, and sometimes what’s best for you both is to move on. Sometimes this happens after a few months. Sometimes after decades. There is no fault in it- it is the nature of people to adapt, and it is up to each of us to put the best interests of ourselves and those we care about before the societal standard of a “successful partnership”.

- find your own definition of success in your relationship and partnership. In society, this is permanent and pumping out plenty of slaves to the system ASAP. Not very healthy or happy. Your idea of success in your relationship may be much time apart so time together is that much more cherished. Maybe it’s spending almost all your time together because that’s when you feel your best. Maybe it’s having similar goals and working together to achieve them, or complimentary goals that you help each other with, or separate ones that you simply offer each other a retreat from. Find your own idea for your relationship and your success within it will grow from there.

- understand that hurt is a part of life, especially when dealing with men. That doesn’t mean you should give up. Just be careful. And if it goes wrong or he harms you or you find out he lied, don’t beat yourself up about it. It doesn’t make you a bad feminist to have had hope. We’re all human. It’s hard to live life when we’re hopeless all the time. No one can blame you for being hopeful and giving it a try.

- don’t abandon yourself in any capacity. There’s a fine line between learning to compromise and abandoning yourself, and it’s both incredibly important and quite difficult to achieve.

On another note... to more individually answer anons question

Society definitely does tell us to take what we can get. It wants women to be desperate for men, despite all evidence to the contrary. Why? Because men, the ones who push the societal propaganda, are desperate for women. Men can’t function without women and they hate it, so instead of putting in the effort to improve themselves and show women “look! We can be good! We can bring stuff to the table! You should consider us!” They gaslight and coerce and fearmonger, making women desperate for them instead. Because they’re lazy. They don’t wanna improve, so instead they just spread the lie that women need men.

I definitely think a lot, maybe most women settle for men and get hurt by it. It’s not their fault- every little bit of society forces this message into them, and eventually they can’t help but internalize it. Hell, I’ve come close to internalizing it, and i would say most radfems have too!

The token personal experience that hopefully can be somewhat relatable in some capacity and also maybe help elaborate the point im attempting to make

Couple years ago I had a really good friend. We met over Minecraft of all things, on a server and we were the only two people defending a girl in chat from getting harassed by dozens of dudes on the server. I thought for sure this person had to be a woman- no way a dude would have gone out of his way and risked getting banned from the server over that. Well, I was wrong. Turned out to be a guy. Granted, about five years older than me, but genuinely a good dude. We ended up getting really close and considered each other to be our twin flame. And then two and a half years ago, he completely ghosted. Fell off the face of the earth. That hurt like hell. I tried to find reasons to be angry at him, reasons to be upset with him, but other than just not saying goodbye I could find none. And yet it still hurt.

Finally we reach the beginning of the end... aka the conclusion

All this to say... there will be pain, and hurt, and worry and fear and all these tumultuous emotions no matter what. That’s what we deal with when we care deeply for someone. All we can do is find ways to move forward, and do what is best for us in the future. Sometimes we can forgive and sometimes we can’t. Sometimes we forgive even when we shouldn’t.

It’s up to you as an individual if you really desire having someone to be close with on a romantic level and you happen to be attracted to men. Some people are perfectly happy and fulfilled having only platonic relationships and others really gain more fulfillment from a romantic one.

Romantic relationships are not the be all end all of life, but for some people they can be such a big component and really help someone reach their full potential. It’s just up to each of us to discover for ourselves which category we fall into.

Being with a man will never be a feminist action. It just won’t.

But we can’t lead perfect feminist lives and being expected to would be ridiculous and cultish. And sometimes, the happiness we glean from a romantic relationship - whether it be with a man or a woman - can give us the extra bit of energy and inspiration to galvanize us into making more of a difference. So maybe it isn’t objectively feminist. But if it makes you a happier person, you’ve bettered one woman’s life and that in itself is technically a feminist action, isn’t it? Taking that happiness and turning it into awareness, action, empowerment, and someday, revolution and liberation? Now that... that’s really something we could all aspire to.

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