#we just have incompatible needs
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my emoooootional issues and my physical iiiintimacy issuuuues
#chirps#two dogs playing tug of war in my mind. one is 'its ok to have issues around sex whether they have a cause or it's just how you are'#the other is 'yeah but you were a bad girlfriend though. you werent easy or simple and you behaved nonsensically'#it's easier to assign all the blame to myself for our incompatibility. but i don't think that's the most realistic way of looking at it#or the kindest.#still. 'isnt it a good thing if you know your girlfriend wants to have sex with you?' I WOULD THINK SO TOO#i just turn 'frigid' as they say. im demand avoidant.#'they expect something of me' is the true terror. makes me turtle up#in any case. i think me and her just think too differently. like we are just really cognitively different#i mull over stuff a LOT (i chew over things a long time in my head) while she's a lot more direct and straightforward#im also just a hashtag introvert while she's a hashtag extrovert#i need alone downtime and that fundamentally doesn't make sense to her#this breakup happened 2 years ago. but we took a two week road trip in september.#ok wait i just remembered smth that happened to me that may contribute to this. nvm
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"We can get through this by working together, reach out to your friends, community is all we have, a social network will be your security in the world, now is the time to lean on others!"
I do agree, and it's scientifically sound (pretty sure there is data about how people with better social networks live longer and etc) but also....augh..... what about the severe social issues, difficulty to leave the house, physical issues which lead to like zero socialization energy a majority of the time, etc. etc. Social support can be a replacement for structural support, but.. I guess I just wish it didn't have to be. Community is extremely difficult to build, even moreso if you're someone who has issues with social cues or group conversations or even just being around others in the first place. And blah, nuance, of course I'm just complaining or maybe being too negative or maybe misunderstanding, but, I hardly have the energy to brush my hair once every 2 months.. how am I supposed to maintain a wide social network and be active in a Community and Join Groups lol... sometimes it kind of feels like "er.. well if thats my only option then...... ruh roh". It's overwhelming
#Kind of like some post I saw a long time ago talking about how even the meanest shittiest most difficult to get along with#elderly people or whaever still deserve to have some sort of systems in place to support them so they're not just relying on the#grace of relatives or etc. who may not be able to deal with them. Not saying that I'm like mean and cruel or anything#but the fact of the matter is in most social situations either I am compromising or the other person is. Not in like an ~`ouuu im so weirdd#nobody willever understand my quirky swagg hee heee~' way but like a.. Just factually the things that make me happy and comfortable#are often incompatible with people. The way I communicate and process things is different from the way other people do and that#is always a barrier. I cannot have ''easy''' interactions. Even with 'understanding' people there is nearly always a significant#amount of effort. You can't walk into a group of people and then be like ''okay you guys all have to wear#masks and you also cant play music too loud and also we should communicate turns of speaking very clearly so group conversations#arent too stressful. and also i need this and that and we have to do this and that and '' etc. etc. You CAN. And some people will#go along with that. but they will ALWAYS secretly resent you for it. You will be the one person they're relieved to not have to be around.#theyre glad when you dont show up since they can go back to doing things however they want and not masking and all these boring#annoying things. OR you can say none of that and just deal with the loud music and the talking and the unmasked people. but then#YOU'RE compromising. and no matter how nice they are it's exhausting to be around and youre just further alienated#while in the presence of people and uncofmrtoabel the whole time.#Which I'm not saying the only form of community is a group setting specificially but just giving that as an example lol#I just wish there were a better option than ''well learn to socialize normally or just suffer then'' . Which I know is not what people are#saying. I guess I just always feel a bit scared when 'community is the answer'. Since its not like 'oh im just socially anxious and need to#get out of my shell~!' or something thats really that remedy-able. It's like.. my mostly unchangeable physical health issues combined#with the mostly unchangable literal way that my brain processes sensory informationand other things means that interacting with#others in a normal and easy way is incredibly difficult and often exhausting especially to maintain in any longform fashion. So then#when it's like ''the answer to staying safe is to maintain longform social connections!! :3 just reach out!!'' then.. ermm... O_O#also I'm not even one of the cutesy shy emotional hermits that's nervous. I'm the Bad Stereotype emotionless robotic cold seeming#looms in the corner of the room type of thing so people have less pity on you in that way. -_- ANYWAY gghj#I need like.. a designated social representative or something.. When I did work in that bookshop forever ago they gave me a#person who basically was just with me to help communicate with others on my behalf and supervise me and stuff. I need that.. Some#more extraverted person I can latch onto and they can maintain the Social Support Network for me and I can just be their +1 to all#of the Social Things and community. I have helpful skills I can contribute to other people and stuff it's just like.. I cant socialize lol#I cook food or something for you.. then you keep me in contact with Community.. a deal. (but then what about when I'm too sick to#contribute? as is often the case. there's not much place for people like me in communities sometimes i fear.. sigh.) ***
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sometimes it really is just like. is this all there is. feeling oversensitive & undersocialized—too sensitive to socialize—forever, bc you never got enough ~affirmation~ growing up (poor, pathetic baby; how long will you persist in singing the same self-pitying song…), & so never developed the proper emotional cushioning against the heartache & the thousand natural shocks, &c, &c, &c, &c, &c…
#like—you can't get close to people if you're too raw to bear the inevitable grit of misunderstandings and small incompatibilities#we all fail one another. sometimes in a myriad of small ways‚ sometimes in big ones—#sometimes you and people you care about are simultaneously failing each other on separate but parallel tracks#and ultimately you have to be able to bear that and keep reaching out to people anyway‚ as you hope they will to you#and i just. i need so badly for something—someone—to be new and good and an easy fit‚ because i haven't got trying in me#but also frankly i wouldn't trust anything like that if it appeared to me‚ at this point#molly grue voice how dare you come to me now &c#i'm a fussy person whose capacity for delight has drained away#and i think it's SO important to be kind and yet still so often i don't manage it#despite biting my tongue SO often that it hurts‚ which has taught me to feel there's nothing acceptable abt my own reactions#and i never MEAN to be pompous or dickish or whatever but caring about precision and conscientiousness and whatnot isn't in fashion#so i'm pretty sure that's how i come off to most people#and there's no prospect of anything changing and it's just like. sometimes in the night i think. well. i'm basically already dead then.#like. the last‚ i don't know‚ almost-decade at this point has been a slow painful process of sinking ever deeper into exile#stripping away various social positionalities and connections in trade for—nothing.#alien nation.#all the norms are shit but outside them—what is there.#anyway.#feelingsblogging
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strategizing like a 4-star general on how to explain to oleg why adina's sexy dance class makes me uncomfortable without making it seem like i'm weird about sexy dancing
#we just have such different definitions of sexy#like zero overlap#we are from incompatible species#edit: clarified this is a conversation i will be having with oleg not adina lol#SHE DON'T NEED TO KNOW THAT
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actually, having a kind of revelatory moment here of if HRT was something i have been considering for this long, but has remained inaccessible to me, then that means i Do actually have opinions about my appearance/presentation, so just because i can't take That Particular step doesn't mean that there aren't plenty of other avenues i could be pursuing (ie, clothing/accessories/etc.) that i just haven't let myself up until this point. like i don't have to shove it All aside just because there's one thing i can't get -- I'd probably still wind up a lot happier if I took those other steps I've spent all these years ignoring
#N posts stuff#like what i mean is; the nearest informed consent clinic is like 80 miles away. theoretically some people could pull that off probably#but i can barely do 5-10 mile drives so that's fundamentally inaccessible. the realization is that IF it was closer#the probability of me actually pursuing that is actually kind of high. not even because i feel a particular NEED for it#hrt is one of those things that for Me is like 'i just think it would be Cool. i don't need it but i might be happier trying it'#BUT one thing i've consistently had problems with is that i Do Not really buy myself clothes because i always get caught up on cost#like 'if i don't really care That Much why should i invest in it' thing. i've been in that rut for most of my life i'd say#complicated by the fact taht i do depend on my mom's advice/help for a Lot of things and we have fundamentally incompatible styles#so not being able to agree on things makes it hard to actually Pursue what i want in these areas#but if leading up to researching clinic options i was both thinking 'i'd spend the money on this' AND 'i'd completely#disregard my mother's opinions on this' in order to pursue it; then since it's inaccessible to me i Should be taking those core convictions#and bringing them to the things i Can change/access and take Those steps instead#to use a wildly different metaphor - the vacation thing of 'wherever you go there You are' -> HRT is the big expensive vacation#but if my clothes are still something i'm not happy with then how much genuine satisfaction would i get out of my appearance after#taking those Big Steps. since the little ones have been left completely in the dust. you know?#no one asked but tumblr is like the only medium i use where i actually go back and look at things from the past#so if i have some kind of revelation about my life it has to go on tumblr if i want to remember it.#(like sure i Could keep journals but actually reading back through them makes me nauseated lmao. so not very helpful in practice)
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but on a more serious note, I do hate when any adaptation--but especially this one!--decides to change the nature of specific uncomfortable or antagonistic character interactions to something softer or sweeter, or even just decided to give two characters that don't get along or interact much at all A Moment™. That really is not always the right call!
#this is about charlotte and lizzy#and to a lesser extent lizzy and mrs. bennet#i was talking to @ihaveonlymydreams the other day about Lizzy and Charlotte! and the thing is:#they were never truly friends#not on the deepest level. it's a friendship of convenience and a friendship built around judgy gossip#for the most part#charlotte marrying collins doesn't suddenly change their dynamic so Lizzy can never see her the same way again.#it reveals the truth that was there all along: that she and Charlotte do have wildly different priorities and values#and those differing values make them pretty incompatible#as anything more than acquaintances#and it's so uncomfortable for lizzy to face that#and there's no fixing it because das just who Charlotte IS#but now she can see it. and so she comes to visit and she writes letters for the sake of what was as Austen tells us#and because lizzy iS loyal#but that is truly not a moment where it's about lizzy being too harsh on charlotte and then having to be like 'we still love each other'#and i do kind of hate when stories do that in general. just flatten everything into something feel-good#sometimes things are bad and disappointing and flat and that's just the truth#I feel this with Mrs Bennet a little bit less because it's smaller but again. it's like. how much pathos do we need to feel for her#also she just doesn't like lizzy! never has. least favorite daughter#anyway a million more thoughts but yeah. one of the things about P&P is that Lizzy doesn't actually learn what friendship is#until after Darcy.#it's such a true growing up story. in the sense of: she thinks she's done and she's not#anyway anyway many more thoughts on how charlotte's decision to marry collins is framed too#too sympathetically tbh#it's not just fear. charlotte just also doesn't give a damn about romance asdlfas;fasfsafsaflkasl;fsjafsafsafsf#she said i want a home and i want a parlor and if i have a fool of a husband that's okay with ME#and it's not even about (for the moment) judging the choice. it's just seeing it clearly for what it actually is#2005 liveblog
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minecraft continues swimmingly...i now have TWO (2) dogs
#mine#one is laika she has a yellow collar and has explored the mines and fought many monsters with me...shes my number one i love her dearly#one is freya she has orange collar and ostensibly is going to be the barn dog but the barn is not done yet#(like 90-95% finished) and also we have no animals so for now she just runs around with me and is cute#they both came from the same woods next to my house :)#im hoping i can find different colors of dog soon lol i guess my wolf variants mod is incompatible with the vanilla wolf variants#theres an old growth taiga next to the forest so maybe i can get a third ouppy in there...#anyway yeah the barn is almost done i have a bigger section for equine friends and then 4 smaller ones for the standard farm animals#the farm itself is producing 1 trillion pounds of food every day which is amazing#and im going to have to make a basement for the sugarcane i think...or maybe i could put the sugarcane in the main farm...? hmmm#anyway yeah :3 fun yippeeee#going to get back on soon now that my homework for the day is done...need dinner first though
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EEEEEEH honestly during the time we were mutuals we interacted like a maximum of . two times. perhaps even just once. which is a bit crazy considering all of this now. i was just scared of trying to keep interacting honestly HSJAHDJSHD but if you dont feel like dating after i reveal myself that is completely absolutely alright! i would appreciate having you as a friend just as much! its whatever you prefer and whatever you feel more comfortable with :3
- 💌 anon
oooh well . still honestly I bet uur kewl <3 and yayaya !! thank uu for being understanding , I very much appreciate it . to be faaair , I do . kinda . have a soft spot for uu , y'know ? so even if it isn't immediately . . . the idea isn't something I'm opposed to ^_^
#➳ the fool's mail box#➳ sender; 💌 anon#with all of this being said . there def are things I'd need to know before like . being in a relationship#likeee . are we close in age bodily . nawt that uu would know since i don't share my age online idk but still . like . age range ?#but also no need to directly share that . at least for nyeow ? at the least i trust uu are a minor 😭#um . and also if uur . dating anybun else ? aha ? <- very monogamous very mono . unlike a lot of the beings I've met on here . scary !#augh it's purrobably obvious by nyeow but I'm a clingy jealous mess so being with anybun who'd be dating others . i just . can't#and that's honestly something I'm worried about a little bit like poly beings r so kewl but it just isn't for me#and a lot of beings i know on here are poly . ^_^'#or like idfk being poly itself is fine in a theoretical partner as long as they aren't strictly poly#like ''no if i wanna date other people will i can't just be with only one being bc that doesn't work for me''#but ''i could theoretically be in a polycule but I'm okay with being in a mono relationship'' is good !#and ofc ''i am fully mono just like uu'' is . also something that works for me#idk#these are the kinds of things i didn't wanna ask right off of the bat and i suppose I'll purrobably find out for myself whenever uu reveal#but like . still . uu can easily see why we could be incompatible lol . so .#augh idk where I'm going with this . I mean uu should know my boundaries n such if uu like-like me I just feel like a bit of a downer#bc boom what if everything is ruined nyeow or whatever blehhh#but anyways I'm gonna stfu nyeow i have some chores 2 knock out so I'll speedrun em while uu either write back . or do something else and#then write back . orrrr while uu do something else and write back when I'm done and at the computer so I can reply asap etc etc#agh i feel like i got weird w this even if uu are currently w others or something again we can totally just be friends . buddies . pals .#uur still kewl and really niceys so !
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I am fighting for my life with assetstudio rn bestie please just let me look at the new dupe icons I can't keep doing this
#rat rambles#oni posting#they have them but anytime I open them assetstudio crashes so I worry its a problem with the files being like incompatible or smtm#but the icons are there! I wanna know what they look like!#also I have all but completely confirmed that these guys are at least cyborg dupes (for now at least)#things are super duper prone to change rn but so far basically every new thing Ive found so far relates to these new mechanical dupes#we also may be getting a new type of oil which is fun#ok so mid post update I got it to not crash but all the images showed up corrupted#and I dont mean just the new stuff I mean everything#so maybe its just a general update to oni that made it not compatible with assetstudio or smth? idk Ill see if I can look into it#because I need to see these new guys even if their designs will likely change in the future
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look if you're going to cite a category theorist did you have to pick the one I have twitter beef with
#beef only in the sense of 'issues with their politics-posting'.#she seems cool! its just that we have incompatible brainworms#same thing with that one guy i wanted to study under until he kept posting about how the US needed armed insurrection (from Scotland)
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I think a lot of folks in indie RPG spaces misunderstand what's going on when people who've only ever played Dungeons & Dragons claim that indie RPGs are categorically "too complicated". Yes, it's sometimes the case that they're making the unjustified assumption that all games are as complicated as Dungeons & Dragons and shying away from the possibility of having to brave a steep learning cure a second time, but that's not the whole picture.
A big part of it is that there's a substantial chunk of the D&D fandom – not a majority by any means, but certainly a very significant minority – who are into D&D because they like its vibes or they enjoy its default setting or whatever, but they have no interest in actually playing the kind of game that D&D is... so they don't.
Oh, they'll show up at your table, and if you're very lucky they might even provide their own character sheet (though whether it adheres to the character creation guidelines is anyone's guess!), but their actual engagement with the process of play consists of dicking around until the GM tells them to roll some dice, then reporting what number they rolled and letting the GM figure out what that means.
Basically, they're putting the GM in the position of acting as their personal assistant, onto whom they can offload any parts of the process of play that they're not interested in – and for some players, that's essentially everything except the physical act of rolling the dice, made possible by the fact most of D&D's mechanics are either GM-facing or amenable to being treated as such.*
Now, let's take this player and present them with a game whose design is informed by a culture of play where mechanics are strongly player facing, often to the extent that the GM doesn't need to familiarise themselves with the players' character sheets and never rolls any dice, and... well, you can see where the wires get crossed, right?
And the worst part is that it's not these players' fault – not really. Heck, it's not even a problem with D&D as a system. The problem is D&D's marketing-decreed position as a universal entry-level game means that neither the text nor the culture of play are ever allowed to admit that it might be a bad fit for any player, so total disengagement from the processes of play has to be framed as a personal preference and not a sign of basic incompatibility between the kind of game a player wants to be playing and the kind of game they're actually playing.
(Of course, from the GM's perspective, having even one player who expects you to do all the work represents a huge increase to the GM's workload, let alone a whole group full of them – but we can't admit that, either, so we're left with a culture of play whose received wisdom holds that it's just normal for GMs to be constantly riding the ragged edge of creative burnout. Fun!)
* Which, to be clear, is not a flaw in itself; a rules-heavy game ideally needs a mechanism for introducing its processes of play gradually.
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#idk if it’s growth but i feel like I’m steering away from the view tht#ppl have intentions n should tell u before wasting ur time#bc i don’t rlly believe anyone has a plan or intention#we mostly go w the flow even if we hope for something else#tht expectation isn’t there bc we don’t know#i feel like to connect w others there’s always going to be tht risk of rejection and incompatibility and tht it’s p unavoidable#n tht to view it as a black and white thing of it should go like this or tht#or trying to pick up on diff behaviours and words of the other person#strains wht could be possible#like yeah being uncertain sucks n to know ur on give right page w someone is nice reassurance#but at the same time we can’t rlly put our experiences and emotions w ppl#into boxes or predetermined paths#idk maybe I’m realising tht i need to live in the moment more instead of worrying abt#wht everything could or could not mean#n tht if things don’t go the way i hoped or thought tht doesn’t mean it was a waste#of time or a negative experience#it just is what it is#journal
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hi jade!!! i would love to see a poly!marauders fic where they help r fall asleep please! absolutely no pressure at all just a suggestion ofc <3
“Why so moody?”
You rub at your eyes, standing just behind the sofa. You’d been frowning when James spotted you, not wanting to ask. “I can’t…”
“What?” Sirius asks.
Remus perks up from beside him.
Three sets of eyes makes it worse and somehow better. Sometimes it’s easier to only tell one of them when you have a problem, but sometimes you need all of them to know. “I can’t sleep again. Are you coming to bed soon?”
And listen, four people in one bed is insane but occasionally you manage it. Most of the time you sleep with James, less often Remus. You and Sirius tend to be incompatible while you sleep, because he grabs you around the neck and face for hugging and you wake up with sweat pouring off of you, blind.
Perhaps that’s why he offers first and emphatically. “I’ll come to bed with you, darling,” Sirius says, a picture of concern as he stands. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong, I’ve just tossed and turned for half an hour and I can’t take much more of it.”
“She’s going insane,” Remus comments with a severe frown.
Sirius helps him onto his feet. James, never one to be left out, turns off the television and gathers his throw blanket. “Not on my watch.”
“Wait, I’m sorry. You don’t have to get up,” you say, wringing your hands behind your back. You hadn’t meant to summon them all to bed. You’d just wanted to know when you could expect an end to your agony.
“Oh, well,” James begins, wrapping the throw blanket around your shoulders, “too late for that. Will you warm my side for me? I’ll lock up.”
You feel shyer than you’d thought, shuffling back to the bedroom. Sirius’ hand finds your lower back as he enters the room from behind you, encouraging you gently to the side as he goes for the other. You’d left the sheets in disarray, the lamp on. James’ room is messy as always, but it’s your fault as you live from it most days. Remus is immediately put off by the overflowing dresser, closing each drawer with a shush over the runners.
Sirius makes the bed, peeling back a corner for you. “Here, lovely. Climb in.”
“I didn’t mean for you to wait on me,” you say shyly, embarrassed at their attention.
“There’s nothing I like doing more.”
“He’s in a mood,” Remus says, though you’d guessed that already. “Enough room for me, too?”
“‘Nough room for everyone,” you murmur, rounding Sirius to climb into bed as instructed.
You and Remus end up in the middle of the bed, thankful for James’ sense of reality —everybody knew when you moved in together that the separate bedrooms wouldn’t last, but only James had the wherewithal to buy a very large bed. You’re immediately comforted by having one of them next to you, and Remus is very kind about it, asking in a murmur if he can cwtch you, wrapping his arm around your chest like you’re in danger of breaking from his touch.
Sirius is less polite, but not less caring. If he thought you didn’t want him to touch you he certainly wouldn’t, but he knows he can hug you pretty much whenever he wants. He presses his nose to your face, Remus’ against your shoulder, the three of you deflating after a long day never quite this close to each other. You can feel a day’s worth of back ache leeching in your mattress.
“Sorry,” you mumble.
“Ooh, for what?” Sirius asks.
“Making you come to bed.”
“Didn’t make us do anything.” His breath warms your cheek as he talks. “It’s late. We would’ve been in bed soon.”
It’s true enough. Everyone is in their pyjamas, Sirius smells like toothpaste. Still, you feel guilty for asking. And yet… you can finally relax now they’re here. It’s like they know exactly what’s been keeping you awake. Remus had cleaned and now holds your chest, Sirius reassures you and calms your stomach with his palm.
James gets one good look at you all and rolls his eyes. “I asked you to do one thing for me. Jesus. Babe, could you move over?” he asks Remus, not giving him the time to comply before he’s in bed and smushing everyone even closer together. “This is fun. Sleepover!”
“Just don’t start climbing on me again, Jamie,” Remus says.
You close your eyes. “Don’t worry, they’ll chill out soon,” Sirius promises in a whisper.
“Kiss?” you whisper back.
Three different boys attempt to kiss you in the dimly lit bedroom. All the fuss doesn’t help you sleep, but knowing how much they care about you definitely does.
#poly marauders x reader#the marauders#marauders#poly marauders#poly!marauders#poly!marauders x reader#remus lupin x reader#sirius black x reader#james potter x reader#remus lupin fanfiction#sirius black fanfiction#james potter fanfiction#remus lupin fic#sirius black fic#james potter fic#the marauders x reader#the marauders x fem!reader#remus lupin#sirius black#james potter
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#hi :) long time no incredibly long winded and overly detailed oversharing in the tags post <3#and what better way to welcome new followers from the aita comment (hi new ppl. i havent had nonbots follow me in so long)#thinkin abt that post that's like#'which person that you would never like romantically in your life would people ship you with if your life was a show'#in reference to my own life ofc. and besides the obvious answers of 1.) people will ship anything together so literally everyone#and 2.) my close friends that i jokingly flirt with or just have more life partner-y plans with (eg. being potential roommates)#i think of H. who i did in fact at one point have romantic inclinations towards. but has now gone in a weird direction of kinda resentment#and it's just kind of messy to think about for me. i think a big portion of it is the fact that the time i had romantic feelings for them#was right in the time where they were insistent they were exclusively attracted to men only and i was very much not male aligned then#so i forced myself to stamp out all those feelings because we were incompatible in that sense. and then a few years later#they came out as attracted to ppl regardless of gender and i figured out that on occasion my gender is in fact masc lmao#but by then i had moved on and they started growing into a different person#and our relationship and way we interacted evolved too and now im here. in this place where they honestly sort of piss me off#it pisses me off how they will simultaneously justify their other relationships that they seem so discontent with with phrases like#'oh but the other person is just going through a lot right now. they're just busy. i'm honestly just exaggerating. i care about them a lot'#and also complain nonstop about those same people they claim to be so understanding about#and constantly tell me how their needs aren't being met. and then shut me down when i tell them to like... communicate those needs#and i keep thinking. is there a world where i managed to hold my seemingly unconditional love for them from those past years.#is there a world where i didn't grow tired of them. where i stayed patient. where i became the person they could lean on without complaint.#is there a world where the idea of ever actually being in a more involved place with them doesn't make me bone deep exhausted#nevermind a long term monogamous romantic relationship. the idea of spending a night together sounds so draining#and it's just. wild to think about how we got here. that once upon a time i wanted to spend every waking moment talking to this person#we texted each other nonstop. i thought that everything they said was so wonderful. that i didn't and couldn't have enough of them.#and now... trying to get them to respond to me feels like pulling teeth. making plans together is a nightmare.#and when they talk... it's either incredibly surface level feeling quips or a mutual disagreement or straight up one sided talking#i guess a part of it is the fact that we've both focused our efforts elsewhere. that we aren't nurturing this friendship like we once were.#but i wished it was because we built a solid enough foundation for us to keep coming back to each other#instead it feels like they've just assumed that i will always be there. because i haven't given them any reason to believe otherwise.#so it's fine if they ignore my requests to be less negative or more responsive or to give two shits about my health and comfort#or remember what my schedule looks like or any details of my recent ongoings or any promise they've made to me over the years
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Aroallos are often treated as inherently "more sexual" than other allosexuals. Here's why that assumption happens, and why it's bullshit.
Relationships are often treated as inherently hierarchical and strictly defined, due to amatonormativity and a-spec erasure. It usually goes something like this:
You can't have sex without romance. Sex is "dirty" and needs to be "balanced out" or "justified" with romance. Sex is exclusively physically stimulating, and therefore shallow, unless done in emotional service to romance.
Wanting to have sex with people outside of a romantic context is seen as "using" people, inherently. You're "using" them for their body, because you "don't care enough" to love them romantically. Your desires are deemed to be inherently predatory.
You can't have romance without sex. Romance needs to be "justified" with sex, otherwise it's "just platonic."
Wanting romance without sex is seen as "failing" your partner.
Sex and romance are to happen exclusively between two people.
Romantic relationships are more important than all other relationships, except for maybe family. And remember, sex is strictly confined to romance, which therefore means that sex is also more important than nonsexual/nonromantic connection.
Friendships are always less important than romance, and therefore, less important than sex as well. They exist at the bottom of the hierarchy. That's why we have phrases like "more than friends" to describe romance.
In other words, sex = romance, and sex/romance > friendship.
When you take away the romantic elements, you're left with this:
Romance is no longer there to "balance out/justify" the sex, making the sex apparently "more sexual" and "more dirty" and "less emotional" than it would be if it were romantic.
Your sexual desires are deemed inherently predatory.
Sex takes precedent over friendship and nonromantic emotional intimacy in the original hierarchy. Therefore, sex must take precedent over all forms of emotional connection if you're interested in sex without romance, and sex also cannot spark emotional stimulation or connection on its own.
Due to the previous points, you get reduced to a largely "physical" creature, with few or no emotional needs or desires. You are also assumed to disregard the emotional needs and desires of others.
Friendships are still less important than sex. So, even if your friends are the people you're having sex with, it's implied that you don't care about your friends, and you only value them for their bodies. Sex is an insult to your friendships.
Of course, this is bullshit. All of these "rules" are bullshit.
This is how it actually works:
You can have sex without romance. Sex is not "dirty" does not need to be "balanced out" or "justified" by romance. Sex can be emotionally stimulating and fulfilling without romance (though it doesn't have to be, and that's also fine).
There is nothing predatory about having sexual desires/intent without romantic desires/intent. There is nothing predatory about having sex outside of romance, so long as everyone consents.
You can have romance without sex. Romance does not need to be "justified" via sex.
You are not "failing" your partner by not wanting to have sex. You might be sexually incompatible if sex is something they want, but that is not "failure" on anyone's part.
Sex and romance can happen between as many people as you like, as long as everyone is on the same page about things.
Romantic relationships, as well as familial relationships, are not inherently more important than any other type of relationship.
Friendships are not inherently less important than other types of relationships. There is no inherent hierarchy.
Sex is not an insult to friendship. Having sex with your friends does not mean you only value them for their body.
Wanting sex without romance does not inherently mean that sex takes precedent over everything else. For some people, it does, and that's fine. But that's not usually the case, and it should not be assumed to be the case.
Quoting some stuff from myself and others:
People tend to assume that aroallos are always hypersexual, or always loveless, or always prioritize sex above all else when it comes to their relationships with people. And all of those things are valid experiences, but they don't apply to me personally. I've been trying to put it into words... People think that a lack of romantic attraction necessitates an amplified sexual attraction. Like just because I'm aro, I must be "more sexual" than other allosexual people. It seems like people think sexuality has to be "balanced out" with romance. But I'm not particularly sexual; I'm just not ace. [...] there's nothing wrong with prioritizing or emphasizing sexuality. But that's not an inherent aspect of being aroallo, and it doesn't describe me personally. The primary purpose of my relationships is emotional connection. Sex is just a cool thing that I may or may not do with people.
- Myself [Feb. 1, 2024]
I hate that when I announce that I'm aro, but not ace, people are like "yes fuck nasty I respect it 😏😏" like okay girl sure I do that but do you think I don't experience longing for human connection ? You heard non/aromantic and thought "wow, you must be so good with one night stands no emotional attachment whatsoever". Like no, I still (and you're not gonna believe this guys) care about the people I may or may not sleep with ?? Hello ??
- max-nicoxposts [June 4, 2024]
Alloaro culture is always being expected to either be asexual or hypersexual; nuance was something meant for others I suppose.
- Anon [May 28, 2024]
Aroalo culture is someone assuming I'm ace when I say I'm aro, and when I say I'm actually aro and bi they react with "so you're just a predator"
- Anon [May 27, 2024]
there's nothing wrong with being a man and wanting to sleep with men and not date them. it doesn't make you proof queer men are sex-crazed. there's nothing wrong with being a woman and wanting to sleep with women and not date them. it doesn't make you proof queer women are predatory. being alloaro doesn't make you a derogatory stereotype. you deserve respect, no matter what
- pansyboybloom [Jan. 16, 2024]
So much of the arophobia directed towards aromantic heterosexual men seems to be rooted in willful ignorance about what aromanticism actually is and how allosexual aromanticism differs from sexual objectification. Aromanticism is experiencing little to no romantic attraction towards others. That’s it. It isn’t the same as sending unsolicited dick picks to strangers or reducing women to their bodies. When a misogynistic man disregards a woman’s personhood in favor of treating her as a sexual object, it isn’t because he doesn’t experience romantic attraction to women. It’s because he chooses not to value women as people.
- heartless-aro [Dec. 30, 2023] [I highly recommend reading the full post. I only included one section here due to length.]
and if you're aromantic, you also have to be asexual. because sex without romance is immoral and dirty and abusive. and every aroallo is an invader who's trying to destroy your perfect, pure, sex-negative aspec community. if an aromantic is not asexual, they are not a valid aromantic. if you've ever found yourself wondering why aplatonics and aroallos alike have their own small communities instead of just being a part of the wider aspec community, this is why. you drove us away. and your acceptence of aromanticism is still entirely conditional.
- thermodynamic-comedian [May 29, 2024] [also recommend reading the full post]
#aroallo#alloaro#aromantic#aro#aromanticism#aromanticity#arospec#aro spec#aro spectrum#aromantic spectrum#aromantic allosexual#allosexual aromantic#aspec#arophobia#aromisia#lgbt#lgbtq#lgbtqia#queer
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[JK] My first job was as an Assistant Producer for a video game company called Interplay in Irvine, CA. I had recently graduated from Boston University's School of Fine Arts with an MFA in Directing (I started out as a theatre nerd), but also had some limited coding experience and a passion for computers. It didn't look like I'd be able to make a living directing plays, so I decided to combine entertainment and technology (before it was cool!) and pitched myself to Brian Fargo, Interplay's CEO. He gave me my first break. I packed up and moved out west, and I've been producing games ever since.
[JK] I loved my time at EA. I was there for almost a full decade, and learned a tremendous amount about game-making, and met the most talented and driven people, who I remain in touch with today. EA gave me many opportunities, and never stopped betting on me. I worked on The Sims for nearly 5 years, and then afterwards, I worked on console action games as part of the Visceral studio. I was the Creative Director for the 2007 game "The Simpsons", and was the Executive Producer and Creative Director for the 2009 game "Dante's Inferno".
[JK] I haven't played in a long while, but I do recall that after the game shipped, my wife and I played the retail version for some time -- we created ourselves, and experimented with having a baby ahead of the actual birth of our son (in 2007). Even though I'd been part of the development team, and understood deeply how the simulation worked, I was still continually surprised at how "real" our Sims felt, and how accurate their responses were to having a baby in the house. It really felt like "us"!
Now for some of the development and lore related questions:
[JK] So I ended up in the incredibly fortunate position of creating the shipping neighborhoods for The Sims 2, and recruiting a few teammates to help me as we went along.
Around the same time, we started using the Buy/Build tools to make houses we could save, and also bring them into each new build of the game (correcting for any bugs and incompatibilities). With the import tool, we could load Sims into these houses. In time, this "vanguard QA" process turned into a creative endeavor to define the "saved state" of the neighborhoods we would actually end up shipping with the game.
On playtesting & the leftover sims data on various lots:
Basically, we were in the late stages of development, and the Save Game functionality wasn't quite working. In order to test the game properly, you really needed to have a lot of assets, and a lot of Sims with histories (as if you'd been playing them for weeks) to test out everything the game had to offer. So I started defining a set of characters in a spreadsheet, with all their tuning variables, and worked with engineering to create an importer, so that with each new build, I could essentially "load" a kind of massive saved game, and quickly start playing and testing.
It was fairly organic, and as the game's functionality improved, so did our starter houses and families.
The thought process behind the creation of the iconic three neighborhoods:
I would not say it was particularly planned out ahead of time. We knew we needed a few saved houses to ship with the game; Sims 1, after all, had the Goth house, and Bob Newbie's house. But there wasn't necessarily a clear direction for what the neighborhood would be for Sims 2. We needed the game to be far enough along, so that the neighborhood could be a proper showcase for all the features in the game. With each new feature that turned alpha, I had a new tool in my toolbox, and I could expand the houses and families I was working on. Once we had the multi-neighborhood functionality, I decided we would not just have 1 starter neighborhood, but 3. With the Aging feature, Memories, a few wacky objects, plus a huge catalog of architectural and decorative content, I felt we had enough material for 3 truly distinct neighborhoods. And we added a couple of people to what became the "Neighborhood Team" around that time.
Later, when we created Strangetown, and eventually Veronaville, I believe we went back and changed Pleasantville to Pleasantview... because I liked the alliteration of "Verona-Ville", and there was no sense in having two "villes". (To this day, by the way, I still don't know whether to capitalize the "V" -- this was hotly debated at the time!)
Pleasantview:
Anyway, to answer your question, we of course started with Pleasantview. As I recall, we were not quite committed to multiple neighborhoods at first, and I think it was called Pleasantville initially, which was kind of a nod to Simsville... but without calling it Simsville, which was a little too on the nose. (There had also been an ill-fated game in development at Maxis at the time, called SimsVille, which was cancelled.) It's been suggested that Pleasantville referred to the movie, but I don't think I ever saw that movie, and we just felt that Pleasantville kind of captured the feeling of the game, and the relaxing, simple, idyllic world of the Sims.
Pleasantview started as a place to capture the aging feature, which was all new to The Sims 2. We knew we had toddlers, teens, and elders to play with, so we started making families that reflected the various stages of family life: the single mom with 3 young kids, the parents with two teens, the old rich guy with two young gold-diggers, etc. We also had a much greater variety of ethnicity to play with than Sims 1, and we had all new variables like sexual orientation and memories. All these things made for rich fodder for a great diversity of families. Then, once we had family trees, and tombstones that carried the actual data for the dead Sims, the doors really blew open. We started asking ourselves, "What if Bella and Mortimer Goth could be characters in Sims 2, but aged 25 years? And what if Cassandra is grown up? And what if Bella is actually missing, and that could be a fun mystery hanging over the whole game?" And then finally the "Big Life Moments" went into the game -- like weddings and birthdays -- and we could sort of tee these up in the Save Game, so that they would happen within the first few minutes of playing the families. This served both as a tutorial for the features, but also a great story-telling device.
Anyway, it all just flowed from there, as we started creating connections between families, relationships, histories, family trees, and stories that we could weave into the game, using only the simulation features that were available to us. It was a really fun and creative time, and we wrote all of the lore of Sims 2 within a couple of months, and then just brought it to life in the game.
Strangetown:
Strangetown was kind of a no-brainer. We needed an alternate neighborhood for all the paranormal stuff the Sims was known for: alien abduction, male pregnancy, science experiments, ghosts, etc. We had the desert terrain, which created a nice contrast to the lush Pleasantville, and gave it an obvious Area 51 vibe.
The fact that Veronaville is the oldest file probably reflects the fact that it was finished first, not that it was started first. That's my guess anyway. It was the simplest neighborhood, in many ways, and didn't have as much complexity in terms of features like staged big life moments, getting the abduction timing right, the alien DNA thing (which I think was somewhat buggy up until the end), etc. So it's possible that we simply had Veronaville "in the can", while we put the last polish on Pleasantville (which was the first and most important neighborhood, in terms of making a good impression) and Strangeville (which was tricky technically).
Veronaville:
But my personal favorite was Veronaville. We had this cool Tudor style collection in the Build mode catalog, and I wanted to ship some houses that showed off those assets. We also had the teen thing going on in the aging game, plus a lot of romance features, as well as enemies. I have always been a Shakespeare buff since graduate school, so putting all that together, I got the idea that our third neighborhood should be a modern-day telling of the Romeo and Juliet story. It was Montys and Capps (instead of Montagues and Capulets), and it just kind of wrote itself. We had fun creating the past family trees, where everyone had died young because they kept killing each other off in the ongoing vendetta.
[JK] You know, I have never seen The Lone Gunmen, and I don't remember making any kind of direct references with the Strangetown Sims, other than the general Area 51 theme, as you point out. Charles London helped out a lot with naming Sims, and I'm pretty sure we owe "Vidcund" and "Lazlo" to him ... though many team members pitched in creatively. He may have had something in mind, but for me, I largely went off of very generic and stereotypical ideas when crafting these neighborhoods. I kind of wanted them to be almost "groaners" ... they were meant to be tropes in every sense of the word. And then we snuck in some easter eggs. But largely, we were trying to create a completely original lore.
[JK] Well, I think we kind of pushed it with The Sims 2, to be honest, and I remember getting a little blow-back about Bunny Broke, for example. Bunny Broke was the original name for Brandi Broke. Not everyone found that funny, as I recall, and I can understand that. It must have been changed before we shipped.
We also almost shipped the first outwardly gay Sims in those neighborhoods, which was bold for EA back in 2004. My recollection was that we had set up the Dreamers to be gay (Dirk and Darren), but I'm looking back now and see that's not the case. So I'm either remembering incorrectly (probably) or something changed during development.
In general we just did things that we found funny and clever, and we just pulled from all the tropes of American life.
[JK] The alien abduction started in Sims 1, with a telescope object that was introduced in the "Livin' Large" expansion pack. That's when some of the wackier ideas got introduced into the Sims lore. That pack shipped just before I joined Maxis in 2001; when I got there, the team had shipped "House Party" and was underway on "Hot Date". So I couldn't tell you how the original idea came about, but The Sims had this 50's Americana vibe from the beginning, and UFOs kind of played right into that. So the alien abduction telescope was a no-brainer to bring back in Sims 2. The male pregnancy was a new twist on the Sims 1 telescope thing. It must have been that the new version (Sims 2) gave us the tech and flexibility to have male Sims become pregnant, so while this was turned "off" for the core game, we decided to take advantage of this and make a storyline out of it. I think this really grew out of the fact that we had aliens, and alien DNA, and so it was not complicated to pre-bake a baby that would come out as an alien when born. The idea of a bunch of guys living together, and then one gets abducted, impregnated, and then gives birth to an alien baby ... I mean, I think we just all thought that was hilarious, in a sit-com kind of way. Not sure there was much more to it than that. Everything usually came from the designers discovering ways to tweak and play with the tech, to get to funny outcomes.
[JK] Possibly we were just testing the functionality of the Wants/Fears and Memories systems throughout development, and some stuff got left over.
[JK] I can't remember, but that sounds like something we would have done! I'm pretty sure we laid the groundwork for more stories that we ended up delivering :) But The Sims 2 was a great foundation for a lot of continued lore that followed.
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I once again want to thank Jonathan Knight for granting me this opportunity and taking the time from his busy schedule to answer my questions.
#BURNING LORE QUESTIONS FINALLY ANSWERED!! :D#the sims 2#ts2#sims 2#ea games#ea#electronic arts#sims#the sims#strangetown#veronaville#pleasantview#jonathan knight interview#the sims 2 development#sims 2 development#sims 2 beta#I'm so glad I got this opportunity man.
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