#we have them around. i just havent seen one right HERE until a few weeks ago

[general-george-washington]

I think we have a bald eagle living around here now

[evilvillain123456789]

i can't stop fucking old people. it's seriously a problem. their hearts can't fucking take it. they know i'll kill them. but they never say no. i travel city to city with each conquest. i log onto tinder and meet a girl. three chances a year... one for easter dinner, one for thanksgiving, one christmas. she takes me to her house to meet the family. the grandmother and i lock eyes from across the table. grandfather has passed. shes here alone.. sad.. we make eye contact for a while until she excuses herself, and i follow her. sometimes the deed is done right there in the bedroom, sometimes i'm given the number to her jitterbug, to return to her later. she makes me go in raw no matter what i suggest. i break up with the girl shortly after i've achieve sexual contact with one or both grandparents. i've no family of my own. that's true, that's always the excuse. i got a reputation that follows me. that's why i'm always moving. the grandmother often catches a VD from our little quickie. her weakened immune system. she passes away a few weeks later. some time before her time. or maybe just in time. god forbid, she invites me over. i sit in her little rocking chair as she speaks to me. that was her husbands chair.. she eyes me. my presence awakens this within her. i make her feel young again. she leads me to her bedroom. i have no reason to restrain myself, nobody will find us. she comes, then she goes. i clean her up as she grunts from the remnants of her heart attack, and leave her tucked into bed. she lays there peaceful, like shes asleep. that's when i lock the doors on my way out, and head to the next city. the next city, where i'll lay low until the next holiday season. start chatting up some chicks while i'm at it.. god, and the grandfathers. unlike with the grandmothers, they dont need to have lost their love to want me. they always cheat. they always want to use me as a tool to cheat. they look at me in ways their wives havent seen in years, and their wives see this. but their wives remain subservient. they always let him do this. they pray for him, but none of them pray for me. they hate me. they hate me so much. they know what i'm doing but refuse to make it stop. i lead their husbands away and kill them. they know it serves him right. i leave them heartbroken. but they'll never say a word. they'll never say a word about how an ugly little gay boy stole their man and now he's paid the ultimate price. and so have they. they seethe until their death. sometimes i swoop in on them too. silence them. they want me to silence them. but usually its too risky. after all, there are simply some secrets, that one must take to ones grave no matter what. i have nothing to gain from doing this. what i do is completely legal. all are lucid. but i feel as if i'm moving through a dream. i feel the earth around me shift as though i were asleep. i can't settle down. i can't fucking stop it. i want to stop. i want to find love. i feel so guilty. how many women fell in love with me, only to lose me. lose one or both grandparents and i'm nowhere near to comfort her. by the time it comes to mourn, i'm already long gone..

But yes, i suppose you can apply this to your fucking little tomgreg or harry styles or whatever. Yeah dude. You fucked that old man.

[wodenscild]

Aaaaaaa things are getting wild here. For those who dont know next month we are having a referendum in enshrining an Indigenous Voice into the constitution. What this would mean is that there would be required Indigenous Representation in the Australian Parliament, which is MASSIVE! & honestly a real good step towards Reconciliation. I mean, given Aussie Invasion history, how horrid non-Indigenous consulted policies have been (cough cough the Intervention & the Stolen Generations to name a few), & the significance of acknowledging Country & the Elders- i wouldve assumed that were wouldve been no crazy backlash to this at all!

But nope- i was wrong =_= i’ll be honest i havent seen any backcry against the referendum until these past few weeks, except when the entire thing was even announced. Back then the main talking point for voting no was because it would give unequal racially biased representation… which is… straight up stupid? Firstly, the Voice would not be able to make & vote on laws, but rather only be able to suggest them. Saying it is racially biased is also just- stupid? Aboriginals & Torres Strait Islanders currently have nigh on none government representation. This is mainly due to the facts of non-Indigenous Australians vastly outnumbering Indigenous Australians & so their voices are heard above Indigenous ones, racism & social factors that generally stop Indigenous people from running in larger areas like along urban East Coast, & also a matter of culture & Reconciliation? Which is like- IMPORTANT!! Indigenous cultures all around the country, from Noongar Boodjar to Badu & Moa Islands, see the importance of having their Voices heard in the management of their Country, & those who live on it. Just as it was before Invasion.

Over the past few weeks things have just gotten mad tho. It started off with seeing a spray painted “Vote No” on a chair at a bus stop, which is… why? Why would you do that? It was weird. What really opened my eyes but to how fervently against this change people were was a demonstration i walked passed the other day while in the city. There were Eureka Stockade flags (which is the closest thing we sorta have to a Confederate flag), & upside down Red Australian flags being flown at each corner of the square of the plaza. It wss PACKED with people holding signs saying vote no. & the speaker- a European Australian who was yelling about how we shouldnt make this change & how itll divide the nation & how if we dont understand it that we gotta vote no- & the way she was speaking was like as tho she was an Elder telling histories of colonialism at an Invasion Day rally. The power & almost fear in her voice- & the amount of people there & cheering her on, it was honestly horrifying. Flying those flags, using ignorance to justify voting no as one would assume an excuse that wouldnt label them as racists, & all with such a passion i have only seen within protests & demonstrations IN FAVOUR of Indigenous rights. It was just- BOGGLING

Idk man its baffling. Any Aussies reading this, i know we are all required to vote & all, but when we get down to the polls, Vote Yes. & Vote with in mind yhe hope of further Reconciliation & with the hope that people like the ones at that protest will not win & will not keep a Voice away from those who not only need it, but deserve it.

[dausy]

Happy New Year! I wanted to do like a comprehensive "stuff I did in 2023" but I have a terrible memory and goodreads says I only read 4 books which is completely incorrect so I don't know what I've read.

I have oddly enough done a quite a bit of things this year.

I've been here in Texas now for a year and at my current job for a year. I can tell you my spanish has improved tremendously without having any sort of scale or way to gauge to it. Still absolutely not fluent, just better than I was before we moved here. I've found my absolute favorite local coffee shop that is not a starbucks. It has great food and great coffee. I've been to many other local cafes in other states and their coffee always tasted like dirtwater and starbucks or mcdonalds has always been better (sad right?). We discovered Chilaquiles, which I have never heard of before until we moved here. Honestly we havent been to that many mexican restaurants and primarily focused on brunch spots. I also havent been out to eat since my husband left on his overseas rotation.

now that its the new year this is a new one that I've learned. Rosca de Reyes. I have never heard of it before. I've seen and had king cake around mardi gras time (which is nasty). But never Rosca de Reyes. So thats new to me.

We took several trips this year. We started our year off at Knotts Berry Farm and Downtown Disney. We visited my husbands side of the family a lot because now we're so close (8 hour drive and all). So we saw them for Easter. My SIL had her 21st birthday so we visited Las Vegas. This was right before they opened that giant globe and I did not see it..in the distance..its turned-off-ness. I completely missed it and never saw it. They were starting to gate everything off too for the car racing thing they were doing. She got to jump out of an airplane and I was not down to watching that. Cant do it. Makes me want to vomit. But she survived and said it was the greatest experience ever.

We then went back to the Los Angeles area around June/July to visit the beach and the Mario land in Universal Studios. I'd never been to US in California before only Florida. So that was an interesting experience too. I think mario was cool but unless it grows more, its not really worth it. The jurassic park ride for sure was more superior than the one in Orlando and the park tour was interesting surprisingly.

ran into a few celebrities on accident. Visited Little Tokyo which was a highlight to me.

and ofcourse I drove to my in-laws for thanksgiving and then went back just a couple weeks ago for Disneyland and another day at knotts.

I know I missed out on a lot of local experiences just because I didn't want to go on my own. I know there were a few bands in town I would have wanted to see but yeah..by myself no. We did go see a youtuber/comedian at the local theater and that was really neat. Their theater here is nice.

goodreads is screwed up and is telling me I read 4 books but thats inaccurate. If I could manually I did around 21 but I've returned quite a few books so I'm not sure the grand total.

I think the best book I read all year was Godkiller by Hannah Kaner. I enjoyed that a lot. I think a sequel comes out in march and I plan to read it too.

Hurricane Wars was a lot of stupid fun, not because I think it was well written, but because I get a kick out of fandom fanartists/fanfic authors doing something professional. I'm like "you go girl" and I don't even know these people. I didn't particularly think the original reylo fanfic was great. But I appreciate the success a fandom can bring people.

The worst book was IronFlame but I appreciate the hype. I like fandoms. I like the enthusiasm of fandoms and how much fun they make things. I want to join in on the fun too. I did not enjoy Fourth Wing. I thought it was terribly written. If it was a fanfic I would have hit the backbutton so fast on it (and thats how I judge my books, on the "back-button" scale). But they made the hype for IronFlame look so fun. It was even worse than Fourth Wing. I don't understand what others were reading but I can't judge because I bought it due to FOMO. I do not plan to read the third book.

Little surprise success too. I stuffed my kindle and discovered AG Caggiano and read the first book of Villains and Virtues and I really liked it. I have such a hard reading not-fanfic. The writing styles for fanfic and original books are just so different and I have a hard time getting into original novels but I really enjoy these silly characters. Never heard of this book series or author before. But I finished the first book within a couple days and I'm half thru the second. Its like a silly disney movie. Bit more pg13 but I enjoyed it.

I did have some fails. I made it through half of HarryPotter 2 and Im about 50 pages from finishing Court of Thornes and Roses by SJM in SPANISH. My goal was to finish these books in SPANISH. I honestly got a little distracted by a Tangled spanish fanfic. But reading in Spanish is very humbling and difficult. I have to be able to clear my mind to get through it. Some days I can zoom through a page, other days I don't understand a single word. So I didn't quite finish anything.

Trying to think of games I finished this year. I finished God of War Ragnarok at the beginning of the year. I mean, good game but the wow factor kinda stuck with the first remake. Nothing really stood out to me that I ever need to play it ever again.

I upgraded my switchlite to a switch OLED which almost killed me because there was nothing wrong with my switchlite but I wanted to play TOTK on the big tv. TOTK was fine too but I found myself getting bored of it. Again, I think the major wow factor was with the first one, BOTW. In TOTK, it felt like I was clearing the same map all over again but then they added the underground and sky which then just made my map-clearing OCD give intense anxiety re completionism. I have to stop and flip every rock over and I was getting tired.

I also played Harvestella which I did not enjoy. I played Octopath Traveler 1 which was not bad, I heard 2 was great and I plan to play it eventually. I also played Xenoblade 1 which was not bad either. I'm playing Xenoblade 2 now and I'm struggling a bit to get enthused about it. Everybody says X3 is amazing but I felt bad for skipping 2 to get to 3. So I'm going to suck it up.

The real winner this year for me has been Disney Dreamlight Valley. It was officially released in December but Ive been playing the "beta" for well over a year now. I got pretty heavy into it with some of the large updates this year. I have more hours in it than TOTK. With all its issues and peoples complaints, its a perfect game for me. Its disney. I got simba and rapunzel. I can decorate my island in disney. I can casually play while audiobooking. Its relaxing.

What else did we do this year? hosted 4th of July. Hosted a buddy to stay at our house for a bit while he was here on assignment.

I hired a dog walker by myself. Had a dental procedure I had been dreaming about but the anxiety of asking about it was scary and it was fine.

I went outdoor rock climbing for the first time ever and never need to do that again. I did go to 2 different indoor rock gyms. Got embarrassed at both places and havent gone back. I have fallen off the wagon really badly with going to the gym here. I just can't find a place where I feel comfortable.

I also got really invested in my backyard landscaping because this place sucks for my dog.

I think some of my stomach issues have improved tremendously this year. Stomachs still not great but I havent felt the urge to go to the doctor about it due to the anxiety which is an improvement.

Seen a bunch of movies this year too. Dungeons and Dragons, Mario, Oppenheimer, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles....Wish sucked really bad...I still havent seen barbie or the new hunger games and I really wanted to.

mainly I focused on youtube videos. I got sent some cool stuff by companies. I feel like I didnt draw quite as much but youtube kept me really busy. I've learned a lot about video editing and public speaking though neither are my strengths. I do enjoy the art community on youtube as a whole. Its a lot less stressful than the rest of art social media in a different way. Portfolio social medias or places like twitter theres an urge to create constantly. Youtube I can merely talk about art and it counts as something creative. So it kind of takes a load off. Also, ofcourse with art companies sending out merch, theres a decent reward system too. I talk about art, don't need to necessarily complete anything and then get free stuff. So, so far, for me, its been worth it. Especially given my tiny following. You don't need 1mil followers to obtain a reward. So to me, its a pleasant experience. I do worry about my account growing bigger and me not being able to maintain it. Its easier to accept rude comments when its just your art. When its you on the screen, its a bit more personal.

otherwise, I have no plans for 2024 other than the same stuff. I would like to make a vegetable garden but I wont because by the end of this year we will be planning another move. The end of 2024 is going to be a massive life change and stressful doozy. My husband will be retiring and we don't know what we want to be or where we want to live when we grow up. I'm telling myself it'll be socially acceptable to quit my job in about 6 months to prep for this life change but thats not really true. We need all the money we can get lmao.

[noodleblade]

Uhhhh, here's a couple of tag memes I finally got around to doing. I'm putting them all in one place:3

@elmonstro thank you for tagging me ;__; <3

Relationship status: roommates for LIFE <333

Favorite color: greeeeen, any shade but I love really dark green shades

Stuck in my head: probably some dumb overwatch videos.....they are my comfort videos when i'm stressssssed so ive been watching them a lot.

Last song I listened to: Greaze by Machine Girl...almost at any given time it'll be a Machine Girl song or a vocaloid song, at least right now.

Favorite food: Makaronatha ;--; i cant wait to have it like authentically made again...or until i harass my dad in making his. mine is LACKING.

Dream trip: (used to be visiting japan....about the cross that off my bucket list soon) NOW its taking my friends to Greece and showing them around my dad's home town from a "local's" perspective. I'm far from local but I've been there often enough I know it like the back of my hand. I want to take them to my favorite restaurants, on my favorite drives, walk them through the city center to show them why I love that city so much.

Answer the following questions and tag 9 people you want to know better:

@elmonstro <3333333

Last song: Greaze by Machine Girl...again

Currently watching: GOD its a lot of things and also nothing since I dont think i've sat down and watched stuff in a while but with @honkytonka we are most recently watching: Transformers Galaxy Force, Gotham, the Harley Quinn Show and soon Transformers Earthspark again. I'm also rewatching Transformers Prime with my friend who has not seen it:3

Currently reading: god uhhhhhhhhh A Storm of Swords by grrm again and A Song of Achilles by Madeline Miller...again. I havent been in a mood to read any new books tbh. I guess I'm "reading" mtmte, but I havent actually picked it up in a few weeks.

Currently obsessed with: robots in general but specifically transformers ;___; also lowkey obsessed with skyrim as I've been playing it for honkytonka for a few months now.

5 songs in ur current rotation!!

@huanted-dennys you tagged me this a while ago and I finally just got around to it ;__; thank youuuuuuuuuu <3

I'm really boring with music and don't find new music often so my taste stays the same for long bouts...ask me in 6 months and the answer will likely be the same.

1. IMAWANOKIWA- Iyowa

2. Rigged Game- Machine Girl

3. TRASH CLAN- Metaroom

(this might be cheating but)

4. the entire Brasilian Skies album by Masayoshi Takanaka

5. Reincarnation Apple- PinocchioP

I feel bad for tagging people because I don't want to bother them but uhhhhhh anyone that sees this, please see free to do it and tag me. I'd love to see your answers ;__;

[foxtriestobiteandmaimandkilland]

I had a dream last night. That. Me and some other people were maybe ghost hunters ? I dont fully remember. And there was a big mansion house that we had to investigate bc the previous ghost hunters whod went inside hadnt been seen in weeks, and nobody even saw them leave. So like, me and my team of Vague Dream People That Were An Amalgamation Of People From Irl And People From Fiction went in and yknow it was a normal fuckin ghost house thing there were some spooks n scares but all in all just normal rlly. And then we found the group from before us and were like what the hell man how r u guys alive and they were like dudr tf wdym and we were like dudes its been weeks u dont have that kinda food ans they were like errr ur like mixing us up w someone else weve only been here an hour or 2 so then we were like. Ok what. And then left the house w that group who fucked off to go do their own thing bc my brain couldnt handle keeping track of a group over 4 people. But like when we left some ppl were like holy fuck ur alive. And we were like. Yea. Its only been like. 20 or 30 minutes. And they were like nah man its been days. And then i was like. Man r u serious that sucks ive wasted days of july what the fuck i love summer i dont wanna waste it man what the hell and like yeah i kinda ignored how. This house was like Magic Ooooo Time Moves Differently Inside bc i was too upset id gone from the 17th to the 20th. And then i was like suddenly in my grandmas attic and lookin out the window and it was like. It was like the attic wad attached to the rest of the scenes like a sorta. Set almost yknow. So like i chilled in my grandmas attic and then i knew i had to go to school? So i just left her attic through the fourth wall and went to the set of the big mansion and went in there for like 5 minutes and came out and id skipped school but accidentallt skipped too far and it was like late night. But ye i figured this house could b used 2 my advantage but probably also could fuck some things up. Bc i hadnt figured out the exact like time exchange that it was. Bc my brain hadnt come up w it solidly yet so like a couple hours meant a couple weeks and half an hour meant a couple days and 5 minutes meant like 12 hours but also sometimes a full day but also sometimes less. But yea idk i played around w that thing until is skipped like a week and then realised id missed my friends birthday which was apparently the day before the one i was at. So i Left the Set and walked home and went to my primary school bc apparently all my friends were there even tho we all went 2 different primary schools and i found my friend id missed the birthday of and i gave her a cat that materialized out of thin air and then turns out all my friends had their cats with them so we like. Pet a lot of cats outside this primary school. And then it was like. I was on the fuckin set of jrweek yknow the second one they had w the like boat thing. And i wasnjust fucking lookin at them but apparently they were recorsing like a 3 hour long episodr and it was episode like 140 or smth. But they were just recreating what id done the rest of the dream and i tried to ask them what the fuck was going on n why was i there but it was like i eas fuckin invisible or some shit n they just ignored me. And then they kept mentioning genloss like ober and iver and over and insinuating that charlie was the only one of them that WASNT in genloss and i was like. Erm. Okay. What. And they only THEN seemed to notice me and were like dude what the fuck ur being so cringe right now like literally stop it go watch our patreon nerd snd i was like. Dudes i already am subbed 2 ur patreon. And they were like. But u havent finished pd yet u fucking pussy and i was like ok this is just uncalled 4 and then i woke up to big bin truck outside bc id left my windoe open and it was loud as FUCK anyways ir was a weird dream and one of the only times over the past few days ive felt neutral abt my dream in comparison to irl. Anyways. Goodbye

[bridgyrose]

Yang and her brother had a strained relationship for years. When he transitioned, becoming Ruby, the two sisters sat down and talked things out. It wasn’t easy, but seeing each other a new light allowed them to repair their relationship.

“Its not like Beacon’s going to be that tough for the four of us. We’ll be on a team together and-” Yang paused as she watched a red-cloaked figure board the shuttle and make their way to the back. Her eyes stayed glued on the hooded cloak and her heart seemed to skip a beat as she realized just who she had seen. Without a second thought, she took a step closer, only to be stopped by one of her friends. 

“Remnant to Yang, are you okay?” 

Yang slowly nodded and smiled at the group. “Y-yeah, I’m fine.” 

“You look like you just saw a ghost,” another of Yang’s friends, a young man, said as he put a hand on her shoulder. “Maybe you should sit down and get a little rest.” 

“I’m telling you, I’m fine.” 

“Its not like you to go pale at anything, let alone the sight of someone.” 

“I was… reminded of someone.” Yang took a breath and sat down. “Actually, on second thought, I’ll catch up with you three later.” 

The last of Yang’s friends nodded and the three let the blonde be. 

Yang’s eyes stayed fixed on the red cloak as she tried to figure out what she wanted to say. After what felt like hours, she finally stood up and made her way to the red cloak. As she cleared her throat, she put on a weak smile. “Hey.” 

Ruby practically jumped and fumbled around with her scroll as she tried to calm down. “Y-Yang, I uh… I… didnt see you here,” she lied. Of course she’d seen her sister, she just hoped she could avoid her until graduation. After all, Beacon was a large campus and there was no guarantee that the two would ever be anywhere close to each other. “If you want this seat, I can move-” 

“N-no, I uh… may I sit with you?” 

“S-sure.” 

Yang slowly sat down next to her sister and twiddled her thumbs as the words she wanted to say stuck in her throat. After a few silent minutes, she finally spoke again, still avoiding what she had really come to talk about. “So… what are you doing here? I uh… thought you were still going to Signal.” 

“I… was accepted into Beacon early.” Ruby pulled on her cloak and started to mess with a small button she had sewn onto the inside to keep her hands busy. “Just a… right place right time sort of deal. Stopped a dust robbery and the headmaster found out and… offered me a place here.” 

“What does Uncle Qrow think about it?” 

“He doesnt think I’m ready.” 

“But he still let you come?” 

Ruby shrugged. “He never told me why he decided to let me, though I have a feeling it has something to do with Dad not wanting me to skip a couple years.” 

Yang nodded and continued to play with her fingers. She looked Ruby over again, still hesitant. 

“I go by Ruby, by the way,” she said as she finally spoke up. “After I moved out with Qrow, I uh… finally transitioned.” 

“That uh… explains the new look. You… you look… happier.” Yang let out a heavy sigh and tried to relax. “Rubes… I’m… sorry for what I said to you.” 

Ruby put on a small smile. “You havent called me that in a long time.” 

“Because I was angry and… I didnt… quite understand. I still dont, but… maybe… I need to give you a better chance than what I have.” 

“I’d… like that.” Ruby paused and sighed. “Though… maybe… we should give ourselves a bit of time before we try anything like that, alright?” 

“And… how long were you thinking?” 

“A week? You know to get situated at Beacon. And then… if you’re still wanting to, we can… try to fix things. Does that sound okay?” 

Yang wanted to shake her head, but after seeing her brother… her sister again after years of not talking, she no longer wanted to put a strain on their relationship. With a hesitant nod, she put on a weak smile, her voice cracked as she spoke. “A uh… a week. I can do that.” 

“Thank you. I.. need to make sure I get my shot in for today.” 

Yang watched as Ruby got up and started to make her way to a private spot on the shuttle and accidentally get knocked over. She stood up, though she stayed put as she watched a girl in a black bow help Ruby pick up her medication and help her stand up. With a sigh, she sat back down and watched Ruby walk off with the girl, hand in hand and practically leaning on her. “I guess he… she’s managed to figure things out without me.” 

[cdroloisms]

uhhhh ,, , hi ??

i feel bad bc i havent been here in. LITERALLY forever lmao - hope you guys r all doing good!! ive been working on some stuff but it’s been pretty slow going, and school is also A Thing, so i definitely havent been writing as much as i’d like. 

as an apology, have this? really self-indulgent feel-good syndicate + c!dream centric oneshot bc i felt like writing this so u know. why not. 

tws: implied torture, abuse, self-harm, disordered eating, starvation mentions, prison arc themes - overall everything’s just blink-and-you’ll-miss-it mentions, not too much angst here for once! c!sam and c!quackity critical, sorry guys but we r still in the prison arc and they still r on their “fuck human rights” arcs. 

Dream leaves.

 It’s a surprise - or maybe it isn’t one, Niki isn’t quite sure. She’d never grown to quite trust the man, she knows, and she can’t really tell if the bitter twist of emotion that swells up her chest when Phil comes to her city with the news is betrayal or resignation - what can she say. She’s gotten more than her fair share of broken promises. They don’t exactly faze her anymore. 

 None of them seem all that surprised, save Techno, who entirely fails to hide the worry that flickers over his face when he calls the Syndicate meeting to officially inform them of what’s going on. She shares quick, careful glances with the other members when his back is turned - despite how many times he’s been burned, Techno still seems so adamant at holding onto every thread, trusting all too easily those who would use and leave him behind without a second glance. He can handle himself, she knows. Still, that’s not going to stop her from slapping Dream upside the head for being yet another worthless person to betray her friend’s forgiving nature. 

 Nothing much changes in the next few weeks. Niki has to admit, it’s strange without Dream around - he’d not been an ally, much less a friend before dipping completely, but he had been some sort of constant - and Niki is self aware enough to know that she misses him, a little, the same sort of way you might miss an old routine once it’s gone, if only for the familiarity. She still visits Techno and Phil with various baked goods, knowing that Phil would have his hands full just keeping Techno from running himself ragged - makes sure to check on Ranboo, whose nerves have inevitably returned with Dream’s disappearance. To be honest, she doesn’t worry as much as he does - ally or not, she’s spent enough time with the Dream that had left prison to expect that he won’t exactly be able to get himself very far should he come for the four of them, and doesn’t particularly care about he might pull with the rest of the server - if things get bad, she’s sure Phil and Techno will have it handled. She asks Phil, once, what happened, and he shrugs. 

 “I don’t know, mate,” he heaves a chest to the side, pulling out a stack of stone blocks that Niki gladly holds for him. “One day we woke up and he was just- gone. Everything. Was like he wasn’t ever there at all.” 

 Niki hums. “Why’d you think he’d do something like that?” 

 “If I could understand half of why Dream does what he does, we wouldn’t be having this conversation now, would we?” He smiles at her from behind a crate. “Shall we bring these things upstairs and start on dinner?” 

 Niki laughs, knowing that the conversation about Dream is over. “Of course, Phil.” 

Dinner is a welcome distraction; all of them have gotten better at cooking in recent months, between her baking and the veritable library of recipes Phil knows that she’s never even heard of, but Phil is still the only one she really trusts to hold his own behind the stove - Ranboo is still a little too nervous around water, and fire, and much of everything, and though Techno can be a perfectly capable cook, he’s been distracted as of late. She has a strong feeling that left to his own devices, he’d just grab a stack of steak and disappear for another few weeks, searching the server for information. 

 Honestly, she’s a little thrown off by his behavior - he’d not done anything like this with Tommy, if she remembers right, and had hardly seemed affected by Wilbur’s betrayal on the Sixteenth at all (then again, she was a little too lost in her own head to notice if he was.) She tosses her head over to ask Phil, who’s leaning over a few carrots he’s slicing to throw into the stew he’s making, and the man pauses, frowns. 

 “From what I know,” he starts, words slow, careful, “they’d spent three months in there together, and the conditions weren’t exactly- stellar. According to what Techno said, I’d assumed they had come to some sort of understanding.” He goes back to the carrots, expression dipping into shadow and out of sight. “Guess I was wrong.” 

 Niki hums. She can see it, sort of - spending months together with someone, no matter how insufferable, probably would end with some degree of attachment - she thinks back to plotting through sleepless nights with Jack, anger and grief leaving them simmering, crabs in the same pot of boiling water, remembers looking into his dead-eyed gaze and seeing her own stare back - and feels a brief pang of guilt. Besides, Techno is Techno. She’d never met someone so willing to forgive, understand, reach out despite everything that’s happened - for Dream to take advantage of that feels almost too obvious. Of course he would - what were they all thinking?

 “He’s Dream,” she says as if that explains everything, flipping open the oven door and feeling a wave of heat blast her face. Phil hums lowly, understanding. “I hope Techno will be alright.” 

 “He’s tough,” Phil cracks a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes, “And he has us on his side. He’ll get through.” 

 Niki opens her mouth to reply, only to be interrupted by the front door slamming open. Outside their quaint little cottage, the wind howls - it sounds like the beginning of a blizzard out there, flurries painting the world in a thick blanket of white. In the door, Techno strides into the entrance with loud, decisive movements, shutting the door loud enough to make the walls shake. Inadvertently, Niki finds her eyes drawn to the small pile of snow that he’s tracked into the house - Techno’s usually so careful to kick it all off on the porch, never liked it much when there was a pile of melting ice and snow dampening the floorboards and soaking into his shoes. He huffs harshly, stripping off a snow-dusted scarf from his face - a long, multicolored abomination that had been the product of her attempting to teach Ranboo how to knit. Phil has reached his side, hands splayed over his upper arms, eyes soft in the corners from concern. 

 “Techno, mate-” his tone is chiding but his movements gentle as he brushes snow off of Techno’s signature cloak, “you’ve gotten snow everywhere. What were you doing, dueling a blizzard?” 

 Techno shakes his head, not meeting Phil’s banter as usual, fur sticking up from the snow melted into it. His voice is gruff and holds little humor - unconsciously, Niki feels her shoulders tense. 

 “Phil, call a Syndicate meeting.”

 ---

 Phil, per usual, is unrelenting, so it’s not until a quick dinner and some hurried messages to their final member later that the Syndicate is gathered in their meeting room, Techno pacing the length of the room as they wait in their respective seats. He looks less frazzled than he did when he first entered the house, in part due to Phil’s sitting him down to eat and picking through his fur to smooth it out of its windblown spikes and tangles - Techno had grumbled at him to stop preening him, but looked a lot more relaxed by the time they were all finished with their food. Still, his ear flicks periodically, twitching toward ssome sound that Niki can’t hear, movements tighter and jerkier than she is used to. He’d always been a little flightier after the prison, but not quite like this - everything here feels like that but dialed up to eleven. Inexplicably, it reminds her of Dream. 

 “Techno?” Phil gestures towards his seat, prompting, and he settles into it with an obliging huff. 

 “Y’know, Phil, the code names are kinda pointless if we never use ‘em,” he says, words carrying no real heat - he looks back at the rest of them, lips thinning into a line. “Anyway. I called this meeting because I found a couple leads on Dream.” 

 “O-oh,” Ranboo stutters, tail lashing behind him. 

 “You don’t have to do anything that you don’t want to, mate,” Phil reminds him gently, a sentiment that Niki affirms with a determined nod. 

 “There’ve been some reports- rumors, really,” Techno says, calling their attention again, and they all turn towards him, “of increased activity around the prison again. The Warden spending more time on its grounds, movement seen around the walls and around the portal- so I decided to go check it out for myself.” 

 Niki frowns, and watches as Phil does the same beside her - Techno had seemed to avoid the prison if he could help it, save for when he went on the initial mission to break Dream out. It was no secret to them that he didn’t exactly like the place. 

 “We could’ve helped if you asked,” Phil reminds him, and Techno shakes his head. 

 “I know, Phil. It’s just- that place is bad news. I’d rather keep you guys away from there if I can-” his hand goes to his head with a poorly hidden wince. “Sorry, Chat’s a little- worked up, at the minute.” 

 “Sorry, we’ll stop interrupting you,” Niki says, cutting off Phil before he says anything else. “So you went to the prison?” 

 Techno takes a second to gather his thoughts, mumbling quietly in the way that usually means he’s telling off Chat. “Right- I decided to stake out the portal. The rumors were right- Sam has been hanging around there, entered and left the prison four times yesterday. And today-” he hesitates, expression visibly darkening. “This morning, about an hour after the Warden arrived, Quackity came to the prison and went through the portal. He left the grounds about six hours later.” 

 “Quackity?” Niki frowns, eyes flicking over to how Phil has stilled in his seat. “What is Quackity doing at the prison?” 

 Phil ignores her question, reaching towards Techno, something indiscernible in his gaze. “Mate…”

 “He smelled of blood when he left,” Techno says, words sharp, and Niki feels her heart skip a beat. “Warden left about half an hour after, and I came back here.” 

 Ranboo clears his throat, sounding tentative. “Okay,” he drums his hand on the table when they turn towards him, eyebrows drawn, “but what, exactly, does this have to do with, uh, Dream?” 

 Techno and Phil trade glances, one of their bouts of unspoken conversation that Niki’s grown extremely used to. They seem strangely hesitant, she notes internally, Phil looking towards Techno with a question written clearly in the planes of his face. Techno sighs, a long puff of air through his lips as he closes his eyes and turns his face towards the table. 

 “You know how Dream was- injured,” he starts slowly, looking back up at them. Niki shifts uncomfortably - of course she noticed, it was impossible not to - if not the bandages that peeked under his sleeves and the cuffs of his pants, then how skinny he’d been, all skin and bones curled up uncomfortably in a pile at the corner of Techno’s couch. She’d not know the extent, by any means, and had always assumed that they’d been self-inflicted - she’d been in a bad enough place on her own before to know how your head can make you want to hurt, sometimes, how eating food can feel like choking on sawdust and the world could feel so much smaller when focused into delicate pricks of pain. Phil’s eyes are trained on Techno - on his face, then on the pinkish raised skin of a still-healing scar along his forearm, and she feels understanding settle like a rock in her gut. 

 “The Warden had apparently been lettin’ Quackity into the cell to torture Dream for the revive book,” Techno trails off, eyes narrowed and seemingly fixed on a random point of the opposite wall. “By the time I go there, it’d been goin’ on for months.”

 “But wait,” Ranboo’s tail moves even more erratically behind him, “You mean you think he’s back- there? How?” 

 “He has to be back in the prison,” Techno points out. “I can’t imagine anyone besides him that the two of them are goin’ to just start torturin’- Sam had been iffy about the whole thing when Quackity started in on me. It has to be Dream in there again.” 

 “But how did he get in there, then?” Ranboo asks, visibly confused. “Last time it took the entire server to lock him up!”

 “There were no signs of a struggle,” Niki points out, matter of fact. “I believe you, Techno, but I don’t really know how they managed to drag him back so easily. I can’t imagine he was jumping at the chance to go back in there.” 

 Techno shakes his head with an uneasy sigh. 

 “I have a feelin’ of what might’ve happened,” he says quietly. “And I really hope that I’m wrong and he’s less of an idiot than I think he is.” 

 ---

 They set out to investigate - and maybe attack - the next day, Techno and Phil taking on the bulk of preparations as Ranboo stays behind. He’d been understandably uneasy about the whole mission, so they’d left him back by the Syndicate room to set off their pearls in case anything went wrong. (“By the end of the day,” Techno had said, giving Phil a look with the corner of his lip quirked upwards, “don’t be like Phil here and think I meant the end of the month, alright?”) They’d all be supplied with armor and weapons, thanks to Phil, but she’d been handed the bulk of their potions, arranged neatly in her inventory by type in case they’d be needed. She lingers in the back of the room as Phil and Techno chat amiably over the sound of making last minute repairs on their armor, listens to Techno’s ceaseless reminders for Phil to be careful, watches as they make sure that their stasis chambers are properly prepared should they need them.

 (She watches as Phil nudges Techno’s shoulder when he lingers behind a certain chair, empty as long as she’s been part of the Syndicate, the fountain behind it bubbling quietly without a pearl inside. Techno sighs, expression strange. 

 “Should’ve set him up with one,” he says, quiet, and Phil pats him on the back. 

 “You couldn’t have known, mate. We wanted to wait a little before telling him about the Syndicate, remember?” 

 Techno hums, noncommittal. “Still.”)

 They Nether travel to the site of Techno’s lookout, which ends up being a little shambling thing with dirt walls dug into a small hill looking towards the prison portal, having hardly enough space to fit the three of them. Phil looks at it with no small amount of apprehension, and Techno shrugs lightly, wearing an expression that makes Phil turn to him with a look that makes Niki break into giggles. Techno crosses his arms- “in my defense-” and Phil looks up at the dirt ceiling with a long-suffering sigh. 

 “You couldn’t have made this a little roomier, mate?” Phil asks, voice dry as kindling, and Techno raises his hands by his head. 

 “Hey hey, it’s discreet, it gets the job done, it’s perfectly structurally sound-” the sound of the leftmost wall crumbling, along with the cloud of dust that puffs from it and fills their tiny space, undermines the tail end of his statement and leaves him sputtering, Niki falling into another fit of quiet giggles. Underneath it all, Phil sighs again, raising his wings behind him. 

 “...these are going to take so long to clean out.” 

 To his credit, Techno looks sheepish. “Sorry, Phil.”

 They sober up quickly; Techno turns around to the opposite side of the hill, where he’s hidden some peepholes inside the dirt - Niki settles herself by one, leaning forwards to put her eye to it and catch a glimpse of the prison looming over the water. It’s been repaired since the breakout, she notes, the gaping hole in the roof completely gone and replaced with obsidian, as intimidating and undamaged as it had been before, if not more so. Phil makes a considering sound from behind her.

 “Same plan as last time?” He asks, and Techno shakes his head. 

 “They’ve probably reinforced it, and Dream’s blueprints won’t include anything new the Warden’s added. I wouldn’t be surprised if they moved Dream to a different location completely. We don’t want to draw too much attention, either, we were cutting it pretty close during the breakout.” He narrows his eyes. “I was thinking we’d try something a little stealthier, this time. “ 

 He gestures at Niki, who blinks back at him with wide eyes. 

 “You got a couple of invis potions for us?”

 She distributes the potions among them all, one regular and two splash potions of invisibility each, and Techno points towards the prison once she’s done. 

 “The most important thing is to get through the portal,” he says with a grim expression. “Worst comes to worst, once we’re inside we can always blast our way through - but gettin’ through that portal is our first priority.” 

 Phil narrows his eyes at him. “The portal is locked, though. We’ll need to follow someone else inside- and I’m pretty sure Sam uses pearls, so he’s out.” 

 Techno nods. “Which is why I’m bankin’ on the prison gettin’ another visitor today. We’ll just have to wait.” 

 Niki swallows. “Do you mean-”

 “Quackity?” Techno turns away, not quite meeting her eyes. “I’m not totally sure, but he’s not exactly the type to just give up on his goals. He’s pretty predictable- an empire needs an emperor, always needs something new to rule- you know the type,” he says, tipping his head towards Phil. “He’ll be mad at Dream for disappearin’ on him and won’t miss the opportunity to prove he has the upper hand again. I’m not sure that he’s going to come today-”

 “-but you wouldn’t really be surprised, either,” Phil finishes for him, eyes steely with cold determination. “I trust your judgement, mate. Just stay safe- from what I’ve heard, Quackity has been...erratic.” 

 “When is he not,” Techno huffs a short laugh, shaking his head. “I’ll be fine, Phil. Just be careful, both of you. Don’t get too close. And if things get messy- which is what we’re tryin’ to avoid, by the way- then don’t do anything too risky. Our priority is gettin’ in and out alive.” 

 “We can handle ourselves, Techno,” Niki reminds him with a small smile. “And Ranboo is there in case anything goes wrong.” 

 “Alright, then. Here’s the plan.” 

 ---

 It takes quite a long time for Quackity to arrive, long minutes that Niki spends fidgeting in the corner of the room, brushing her hands over seams of the netherite plates that Phil had shoved into her hands, back at the Syndicate room. The set is inexplicably light - not weightless, by any means, as it is still netherite, but not nearly as bulky as any set of netherite armor she’s owned or seen in the past. The runes are precise, lines thin and exact, written with graceful strokes of lapis. 

 “Phil’s the best metalworker I’ve ever met,” Techno tells her with a small grin, catching her in the middle of tracing what she can make out as an Unbreaking rune along the metal strapped to her forearm. “But then again, he’s had the time to practice.” 

 “Are you calling me old again?” Phil huffs, and Techno flashes a smile her direction before looking at Phil with a slight grin. 

 “Well, Chat is,” he says, lips twitching when Phil glares back. 

 “You can’t just blame Chat every time you insult me, you little shit,” Phil groans, and Techno only grins wider. 

 “Phil, my ad revenue,” he complains, a dramatic lilt to his voice that has Niki stifling a snort, and Phil’s glare only grows deadlier. 

 “You’ll have more than your ad revenue to worry about if you keep this up,” he mumbles, going back to keep watch at one of the peepholes and stilling as he does. “Shit- Techno, Quackity’s here.” 

 Techno straightens up, hindered slightly by the low ceiling of their room. “Alright- we all know the plan, right?” 

 Niki nods in the affirmative, pulling out a splash invis and letting it settle in her hand, the glass cool beneath her fingertips. She reaches into her inventory and lets her armor fade into it, takes a deep breath and watches as the two across from her do the same. She doesn’t wear armor often, but so close to the prison, feeling mining fatigue settling deep into her bones - she’s never missed the security it offers more. Techno keeps watch, waiting- drops his arm in a signal. Now. 

 Niki throws the potion at their feet, flinching back at the sound of shattering glass and feeling its effects seep into her skin. When she opens her eyes, she can’t see anything but the inside of the room that they’d holed themselves in and the faintest of wisps rising from where their feet must be, curling around the grass. 

 (Please let this work, she begs to no one in particular as they walk towards the prison. And if you can hear me- please keep us all safe.)

 She hardly breathes as they follow Quackity across the path, holding someone’s hand in her own - Phil’s, by the feel of it - careful to muffle her footsteps in the grass and stand still whenever Quackity’s eyes come a little too close. Thankfully for them, he seems focused, hardly stopping or looking around at all as he walks towards the prison’s portal, movements stiff as he walks forward. He punches the button on the wall particularly harshly, and Sam’s voice comes crackling through a speaker a second later. 

 “I’m here for my visit,” Quackity says, punctuating the sentence with a snort of laughter that doesn’t sound particularly sincere. Niki hasn’t seen him in a long while, not after everything that happened in Pogtopia, and she feels a chill worm down her spine - this man looks nothing like the one that had laughed and danced and sung at her birthday party what feels like an eternity ago. What happened? 

 Sam sighs, the sound turning into a sharp burst of static through the speakers. “Hello Quackity,” he says, voice deep and tired. “Please step into the portal after I tell you to and then wait on the other side.” 

 “I know the drill, Sam,” Quackity rolls his eyes. “Just because the bastard was gone for a few weeks doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten how this damn place works.” 

 “Just going through protocol, Quackity,” Sam replies, and something about this response has Quackity exploding into a brief fit of laughter, the sound grating against Niki’s ears. She feels her grip tighten on Phil’s hand, air caught in her throat. 

 “Protocol- ha. Whatever you wanna tell yourself, pal.” Quackity smiles, cold and cruel, and Niki tries not to think about how she’d seen that same grin on Wilbur, eyes sparkling from the light of the lanterns hung from the bridges and walls of their ravine, remember how she’d looked into them and realized her old friend wasn’t there, anymore. Quackity disappears into the portal, and after a second, the hand around her own pulls her inside of it too.

 On the other side, Quackity taps his foot impatiently, crossing his arms and waiting- Sam’s voice comes through the speakers again, words clipped. 

 “Go through the portal,” he says, and Quackity does- once again, they wait for a second for his body to disappear, then go within it themselves, pressed close enough together within its frame for Niki to feel the warmth of a wing wrap around her shoulders for a quick second before they’re out of the hot, stifling air of the Nether and into a large, neatly made lobby of blackstone and quartz. They duck into a corner, watching as Quackity moves towards the front counter, the Warden waiting there with his arms crossed over his chest. He looks- tired. His movements are slow, footsteps loud against the floor, shoulders tense and back hunched. He walks around the counter, sword strapped to his belt, and Niki feels her breath hitch at the sight of dried blood still stuck to the blade in patches and splatters.

 “He ready?” Quackity asks, holding his hands out - Niki catches a flash of metal as Sam drops something into them, watches as Quackity raises what ends up being a pair of shears, dangerous-looking and gleaming with enchants, to the light. 

 “Yes,” Sam says, side-eyeing Quackity with a small glare. “You know, it’s supposed to be your job to clean those things off when you’re done with them.”

 “I told you, busy day back in Las Nevadas yesterday,” Quackity waves a hand- “I’ll do it, alright? Don’t get all pissy now. What happened to being partners?” 

 “You said we’d be done with this months ago, Quackity,” Sam sighs, and Niki feels a light tug on her arm as Quackity and Sam begin to walk towards the wall to the right of them, breathes in slow and deep as she follows Techno and Phil towards the others. The wall yawns open with the hiss of redstone firing and pistons pulling blocks upwards, opening into a dark hallway that feels like entering the maw of some sort of giant, insatiable beast. They step inside as one, and the door shuts behind them. 

 “We’ll be done soon enough,” Quackity says, and Niki feels hairs rising on the back of her neck. “Trust me.” 

 They stalk forwards through a labyrinth of blackstone, Niki brushing the palms of her hand against her clothes when it goes clammy from adrenaline. Halfway through, she pauses to tip back a second potion of invisibility, careful to keep her movements slow and steady as not to make a sound - the liquid is silvery, cool and light on her tongue, and she lets the effects wash over her with her breath caught in her lungs before moving forward. The tunnels are simpler than she’d expected, bearing little obstacles or checkpoints - Quackity makes a wry comment a second after (“Guard tunnels today, huh? Appreciate the hustle, pal-”) that confirms her suspicions. Despite the potion particles still whirling around their bodies and the sounds of their footsteps, too loud in her own ears, they manage to make it forwards without much trouble, entering a large room with a doorway filled completely with a curtain of lava. 

 “Set your spawn,” Sam says, still stoic, and Quackity rolls his eyes again before doing as told. Niki keeps looking back at the lava flowing past the wall, its heat filling the room and making her already slick palms even worse, and Sam moves to the side to flick a lever, eyes trained on the lava slowly bubbling in front of him. 

 “Give me your tools?” Quackity asks, and Sam sighs before doing so - Niki watches as he hands over a netherite axe, then potions, then a few raw potatoes that Quackity accepts and puts into his inventory. Sam raises an eyebrow once he’s done, hand tight around the handle of his trident. 

 “You bring your own sword, today?” He asks, seeming irritated, and Quackity shrugs. 

 “Sorry pal, I need to make a new one. Guess I’m borrowing yours again.” 

 Sam sighs again, louder, and hands over his sword as well, watching as Quackity swings it a few times experimentally. The blade skims a little too close to her on one swing and she can’t quite help the squeak that escapes her lips as she throws herself out of the way, feels her heart hammer in her ears as she backs up against the wall. Please don’t hear that please don’t hear that please don’t hear that please don’t hear that-

 “Quackity, wait.” Sam raises a hand, ear twitching as he looks over in her direction with narrowed eyes. “I think I heard something.”

 Oh fuck.

 “Well, guess show’s up then,” Techno drawls, and both of them whirl towards his voice, giving Niki enough time to pull her armor back on, scrambling to get her sword and shield in her hands as Phil does the same besides her. Pieces of armor appear where Techno is standing, then a bucket of milk- oh, why must her friends be so dramatic- and Techno’s standing there, smiling sharply, with Orphan Obliterator held loosely at his side. “Let’s get this done, then.” 

 As one, Techno and Phil blur into action - Techno moves forward to catch the prongs of Sam’s trident on his blade as Phil parries Quackity’s blows with his own sword- they move fluidly, easily covering each other’s backs as the room devolves into chaos. Niki remembers their guidance as she flits in and out of the fight, scoring quick hits to keep the Warden and Quackity off balance while remaining out of range from their weapons, and it’s not long before both of them have fallen with a spray of items and experience orbs scattered all over the floor. 

 Techno moves over to block off the exposed face of the bed with a block, looking over at the two of them with an uncharacteristically severe expression. “They’ll be back soon- we have to move fast. Niki, you have those fire res, right?” 

 She nods as she reaches into her inventory, finding the potion’s orange-pink glow and smashing it at their feet. They dive into the lava together, Niki scrambling to keep up, her arms struggling to move through the thick lava, loses sight of both until she flails into something directly in front of her and hands are pulling her up out of the lava. 

 “There you go, mate,” Phil smiles down at her as hauls herself to her feet, making a face at the feeling of the lava clinging to her clothes. “Yeah, swimming through lava isn’t exactly fun. You good?” She flashes him a thumbs up, and he laughs- “Niki, you’re still invisible.” She flushes pink- right.

 A few sips of milk later, she gives him a proper thumbs up, and he laughs, loud and bright. She looks past him to where Techno’s crouched over something- someone, she realizes with a start, in the corner. Dream’s back in prison clothes, ragged and ill-fitting, and he’s curled up with his back towards the front of the cell, shaking enough to be obvious even from where she’s standing. Techno speaks lowly, voice barely more than a deep rumble in the air, almost inaudible.

 “You there, Dream?” 

 She watches as Dream turns his head, looking up with wide, bleary eyes. His hair flops in front of his face, and something within her itches to brush it out of the way. “T-Techno?”

 “Yeah nerd, who else?” Techno smiles, and Dream seems to blink awake, drawing himself up with a shuddery breath. 

 “Techno- it’s a trap- what are you doing here?” he hisses, and Techno gives him a look, deadpan.

 “Yeah, yeah, it’s a trap- come on, Dream, we’ve been over this by now, bro. You have to know that their traps aren’t goin’ to do anything to me by now,” Techno rolls his eyes, reaching forward to steady his hands on Dream’s shoulders when the other man sputters and struggles to breathe. “Easy, now. Geez, you wanted to prove me wrong about being homeless bad enough that you came back here? We could’ve just made you a house, you know. You didn’t have to go this far.” 

 “I- they were gonna kill you,” Dream breathes, face twisted up uncomfortably, and his eyes flick past Techno’s face to where Phil and Niki are standing at the opposite wall of the cell. “All of you- they said-”

 “And that’s what I thought you’d say,” Techno groans. “Come on, you idiot, I thought you were smarter than this-” 

 “They were right there, Techno!” Dream fires back, eyes alight. “You- they were right there, what were you thinking, they could’ve-!”

 “And my best friend is a necromancer, remember?” Techno shakes his head. “Come on, Dream- Sam and Quackity? You know we can handle them in a fight, especially when you can just revive us if anything goes wrong. You don’t have to do this whole self-sacrifice thing, bro- there’s only so many times I can break into the same prison, y’know.” 

 “You’re so stupid,” Dream huffs, but he leans in anyway, head just barely settling against Techno’s shoulder. “I- I can’t believe. You’re so dumb.” 

 “Hey, don’t be sayin’ that to the guy that’s breakin’ you out of prison,” Techno laughs, slinging Dream over his shoulder with an easy motion and laughing harder when it makes him yelp. “That’s just bein’ ungrateful. You’re making Chat sad, man, and when they’re sad they don’t subscribe-” 

 “I regret this entirely,” Dream says, voice muffled against Techno’s shirt, tone completely flat. “Put me down- you idiot- I’m staying here. You’re worse than Quackity.” 

 “Rude. Now you’ve really made Chat mad. I demand an apology-” 

 “Boys, boys.” Niki can’t help giggling, watching the way their gazes snap towards her, rolling her eyes as she moves forward with a few potions held loosely in her hand. “Dream, do you want a health pot?” 

 Dream seems to deliberate for a second, before nodding at her, expression slightly strained. “...sure.” 

 “You two can finish your argument after we’ve broken out of the biggest maximum security prison on the server,” Phil drawls from behind her, arms crossed at his chest. “Come on, now, before Sam gets back.” 

 “Isn’t this the only maximum security prison on the server?” Techno asks aloud, an amused expression on his face - one that only gets worse when Phil glares at him with one ice-blue eye. 

 “Shut-” he sighs, shaking his head. “You two are chaotic little shits, you know that?”

 “Don’t compare me to him, Phil,” Techno complains, Dream mirroring his words with muffled protests of his own, and Phil breathes another drawn-out, long-suffering sigh as he rubs at the bridge of his nose. 

 “Niki, give us some fire res please?” 

 She finds the potion bottle between giggles, throwing it to the ground as she tries to choke down the laughter rapidly bubbling up her throat. “Of course, Phil.” 

 She looks back at Techno and Dream before jumping into the lava, the two of them once again lost in some sort of argument, Dream draped over Techno’s shoulder. He’s breathing easier now, she notes, and Techno looks looser too - a little less tense, leaning back with a perpetual quirk to the corner of his lip as they fire insults back and forth. This is familiar, she recognizes with a soft twist in her chest, the same way that Phil and Techno can finish each other’s sentences and look at each other with laughing eyes sharing the same memories of the past, the same way Ranboo watches Techno’s every step as he adjusts his stance and lifts his sword and Techno laughs and calls him a main character in turn, the same way she and Phil will settle together on the porch over cups of tea and sit at each other’s sides for hours. The rhythm between them is one well-established, the road well-worn - she imagines them, huddled in this dingy cell for months together, and breathes in slow and deep. 

 “Come on,” she smiles, making sure to keep it on her face when Dream meets her eyes with wide, startled ones of his own. Dream still isn’t an ally, and isn’t a friend. 

 But - she watches as he smiles back, something inexplicably warm in her chest - maybe, one day, he could be.

[hollyhomburg]

(warning: overly dramatic) part of me wants to write like- a fucking messy story. like messy as in the m/c is involved with all of the boys kind of messy. like- maybe she was jungkook’s childhood love who he lost touch with when he went to become an idol. and then one day she moves to seoul thinking he’s forgotten about her and thinks “better not bother him- he’s famous afterall” and ends up starting her own life without him thinking that their paths will never cross again. 

she hooks up with seokjin on accident one night without knowing who he is. it’s against his better judgement but he can’t help the fact that sometimes he gets riled up in the way that only a good fuck can settle. a few days afterwords she realizes who he was and decides against contacting him or answering his text messages. ( though she does respond when he writes “i guess you’ve figured out who i am- and in that case- i have to ask you to agree to this” and she’s not an asshole- so she signs the non-disclosure agreement which she sends back to him without comment). 

only a few days later she runs into jimin- or more correctly jimin runs into her getting harassed late at night by a few drunk men. he pretends to be her boyfriend. He’s wearing a mask and a bucket hat and glasses- and despite his height jimin is commanding enough to get them to back off. he ends up walking her home “how do i know you're not trying to walk me home so you can find out where i live?” 

“you’re new here right? dont you know how many cameras there are in seoul” 

“there aren't any cameras on my street” and so jimin sighs, pulls down his mask and turns to a billboard of his face (this one for vt cosmetics sitting outside a closed olive young). imitating his pose for a second before he can see understanding dawn on her face. “see? you really think im going to do something like that?” it’s not every day he lets himself be seen like this- but he has a feeling that for you it’s worth it. but it doesn't get near the reaction that he wanted. 

you curse low, crossing your arms over your chest.  “how the fuck is there another one” and though jimin responds with a ‘what?’ you dont answer. you keep walking, kicking a stone hard enough to hit the billboard. and jimin has to admit this is the first time he’s ever felt lacking in front of a woman. it’s electric and he can’t say he’s not drawn in. 

he walks you home- does not kiss the strange woman who he just met on the cheek even though you’re looking sleepy and soft and vulnerable. jimin is a gentleman. 

it’s not until weeks later that she actually does end up running into jungkook- and she’s shocked to find that their friendship and the pure chemistry they have is still there. they meet up for coffee after coffee and then- she meets the boys, and both seokjin and jimin just try to reign in their over imaginative hearts (and maybe their boners- maybe her and seokjin meet up in some forgotten corner of the company for a repeat meeting- during which seokjin confesses she’s the best fuck he’s ever had). 

everyone can feel the tension between you and jimin. and jimin is the first to confess that yeah- they did meet a few weeks back. and you both pretend you’re not blushing when hoseok teases “wahhhhh thats like a drama” jungkook stoic faced besides her. tugging on her earing and whining to leave. he wants her all to himself- not hat he’d ever admit that. and jungkook- jungkook wishes his heart didn't hurt the same way it had 10 years ago- wishes his schoolboy crush could have just stayed that. 

what's worse- is that Taehyung and yoongi have taken an immediate romantic interest in her. kind of having more of an adversarial situation where they both keep trying to one up the other. Yoongi takes her out on a boat to watch the sunrise in the middle of the ocean, doesn't care about holding her hand in front of the others. yoongi is so sweet and kind; cooks her dinner when she shows up at his house crying for whatever reason (it was jungkook- it’s always jungkook) and when she’s done he kisses the curry he made off of her lips and hands her a water saying playfully. “if you dont drink enough water you’ll run out of tears.” 

“Are you planning to make me cry min yoongi?”

“Only out of happiness hopefully.” 

and taehyung takes her to an amusement park in the middle of the night, so that it’s just them and a few people who follow to run the rides for them. he lets her take cute couple photos and always offers up his oversized jackets for her when she gets cold after riding a wet ride. and maybe she catches him staring at her translucent dress. lets him pull her into a corner of the amusement park and fuck her where anyone could hear or see. “are you sure yoongi could fuck you this good? or seokjin for that matter? don’t think i havent noticed the way he looks at you.” 

and jungkook- jungkook can’t say anything- because he always puts the others first. and namjoon- oh namjoon and you have an incredibly intellectual relationship. Staying up after you’ve all drank yourselves nearly to sleep, jimin curling up on the carpeted floor near you saying “dont walk home alone- wake me before you go and I’ll walk you.” jimin is always saying things like that to you. and getting all protective whenever one of their backup dancers or any other man at the company shows interest in her. 

you and namjoon talk about everything that night- philosophy- love- life- it comes so easy for you to talk with him. and when that night he confesses that he’s never fallen asleep in someone's arms you pat your shoulder and let him lie near you on the wide couch. your hand smoothing up and down his back. and when you wake up in the morning before everyone elce you pretend he hadn’t migrated near you enough that his cheek was up against your chest- and he pretends he doesn't want to record your heart beat and put it into a song so that he can have it to lul him to sleep always. meet up once every few weeks to go on walks together because you both share a love for nature. trips to gardens and parks that feel more like dates than anything.  

and hobi- hobi sees it all happening and tries to stay out of it. rationalizes it that there has to be someone to stay impartial and professional. but you end up becoming friends against his better judgement. you do your work in his studio because you like how he’s always playing music even if he’s not working on one of his own songs, and even then you have headphone and jhope watches you sway and bob your head to whatever you’re listening too. very few people have a sense for beat like you both do- and though you can’t dance- he can see the potential in it. he offers to teach you and you agree and of course you end up fucking in the practice room because hoseok just needed to show her how to move her hips right. 

only- yoongi hears the noises from the studio and goes to investigate, and he’d love it if he wasn’t hurt but he is. So he ignores her for a little while- because he wants to move on- he’s tired of being hurt by her. and then when she confronts him- somehow everyones there and jungkook misspeaks- says some pretty terrible shit that he immediately regrets and when she runs out of course jimn follows her. “jimin just leave” 

“no- not until i know you’re safe” she sighs but then gets angrier when he grabs her hand. 

“no- don’t- don’t do that”

 “do what?”

 “hold my hand unless you have any desire to keep me- to actually love me- then you don’t get to hold my hand” and they walk- jimin grabs her hand and she just sighs- so tired of being pulled 7 different directions. thinks jimin is just interested in sleeping with her- but he’s not- he just wants to love her. 

things get even worse when she and yoongi makeup- decide to try and stay friends, and then jungkook confesses to her and turns the whole thing upside down and someone sees her and namjoon out walking, his arm around her shoulders and suddenly dating rumors are floating around everywhere. and fuck- they’re all fighting. jungkook grabbing her arm “she was my friend first” 

“yeah but i was the one who was romantically interested in her” 

“guess again” 

“that doesn't count seokjin hyung- you guys just slept together that's not love” and before any of them have a chance to settle it out she speaks above all of them (maybe picking up a glass and dropping it to get them all to pay attention to her. “maybe if you stoped and wondered what it was that i wanted you all wouldn’t be pricks right now” and then she just- walks out. dodges their calls- ignores every message. until namjoon turns up at her door and asks her to come see them. everyone nervous before jungkook swallows. looking at her with shining eyes, the face of her first love. “we’ve decided, if you’re okay with it, then we think we can share.” 

(PSA; this fic idea is not free to use!)

[miss--aura]

Saw your requests were open! I too love Fatgum so maybe an +18 plus scenario with some angst? Like maybe you were good friends but now both are stuck in limbo after sleeping with each other one night. Confused about what they are. Sorry if I'm not making sense.

Stuck In between

Pairing: Taishiro Toyomitsu x Reader

Warnings: angst, bad smut because I had a headache while writing the ending, idk what to put for warnings, banana milk sucks

Requested by: ness-is-a-vanillabean

On a serious note I decided I don't know how to wrote angst or if this counts as angst lmao.

It was a spur of the moment decision, at least that's what you kept telling yourself. You were drunk, and let your lust get the better of you and now you didn't know what to do.

You shouldn't have let Midnight convince you to go, you shouldn't have taken the wine glass offered to you. It was all just some big mistake that you made, and it landed you where you are now.

You haven't left your house in a week and you certainly havent been checking any messages on your phone. Luckily you could work from home, but you couldnt hide forever.

"God, I'm so stupid!" Slamming your head on your desk with a groan, tears forming in your eyes as you choke out a sob.

No matter how hard you tried it kept replaying in your head. The way his eyes seemed to drink you up, his hands caressing every inch of your body, the way he filled you up hitting the spots that made you forget your name.

Part of you didn't regret it at all, getting out all of the lust filled emotions was such a nice release to something you've been holding onto for god knows how long.

Yet, you couldnt look back on the memory in a fond light. Because in the end, you said I love you. You said I love you to your bestfriend, and now you couldn't even talk to him.

He'd called you at least 15 times a day since then, over 200 messages being left unread. You just had to go and be selfish, didn't you? Ruin the one good thing you had in your life.

You wondered how he was doing, not that you'd ask. But at the same time, you were his bestfriend and you confessed your love to him in a drunken haze and haven't spoken to him since.

All the ways you could've confessed, you had to go and do it when you were drunk out of your mind and being pounded into a mattress. Going back to work at the agency would be a nightmare now.

One week left until you actually had to go back to the agency. Meaning one week to figure out how to avoid Taishiro for the rest of your life. Did you want to avoid him? No, but you'd rather avoid him than own up to your own emotions.

Picking your head up off the desk you decide to actually do something productive for once. You needed groceries anyways and right now was the perfect time to do so, considering Taishiro would be patrolling the other side of town.

You quickly freshen up and head out the door, the grocery store being only a few blocks away so you could manage walking there and back.

It was a short walk, being about 15 minutes give or take a few. Now that you were scanning shelves you realized how long it had really been since you've seen, well, another human.

It almost made you laugh, how seeing really people made you feel better about the situation your in. Sucking in your cheeks you put a small case of banana milk into your cart.

Taishiro didn't really care for it, but it was almost a comfort item for you. He always said it just tasted like a banana, and it'd cost less to buy regular bananas instead. Though you'd disagree everytime he brought it up.

Sure, it tasted like bananas, but it is banana milk so whatever. Plus it came in cute boxes with a straw and who were you to deny something that looked so cute.

Making it to checkout, you place your items on the counter. Allowing the cashier to do their job while you let your eyes wander around the store.

It wasn't big, but it had a comforting feel. Maybe it was because you'd been feeling down, or maybe it was the way you'd been here so many times that the familiarity was comforting to you.

Never the less you give a small smile to the cashier, finishing the rest of your items as you pay. Fishing the bags into your arms as you start the short journey back to your home.

"Need help carrying those bags?" The voice made you freeze in place. There was no way this was happening, he wasn't supposed to be here. He was on duty, right?

"Listen we need to talk, you can't keep ignoring me."

"I don't wanna talk right now, aren't you on duty anyway? I have to go put these away." You start walking off, hurrying to get away.

"I'm a hero, I help people in need. You aren't feeling like yourself which means it's my place to help. Is it not?"

"I said I don't want to talk, I said something I didn't mean, and I have to face the consequences for that. Okay?"

"So you don't love me?" You swear you could hear the hurt in his voice, but you told yourself you were hearing things. You can't ruin this anymore than you already have.

You can't bring yourself to respond, quickening your pace as your eyes fill with tears. Trying to blink them away only causing them to slide down your face. Not that you bother to wipe them because you know Taishiro is still watching you walk away.

He doesn't like you like that, he's a pro hero, you're just an office lady. That's what you have to remember. Whatever you thought you had, was just you trying to convince yourself that something could happen.

It didn't matter if you wanted to run into his arms, nothing would change. You'd be the hopeless romantic who had feelings for a hero who didn't have time to waste on a relationship.

"Y/n wait! Stop walking so fast I can't keep up!" Taishiro's voiced filled through your ears, your heart melting at the sound. But for once, your head was in control. Head over heart, that's what your mom always said.

"Go away 'shiro." It came out more broken than you wanted it to and you knew he could see right through you as much as you wanted to hide away from your feelings your feet plant themselves no longer letting you move further.

Two arms wrapping around your waist in the tightest hug you've ever experienced. Stealing the air from your lungs as a small whine of pain escapes your lips.

"Y/n, listen to me. You can't keep avoiding me. I've been worried sick about you, can't you tell? I thought I was dreaming when you told me you loved me but just as soon as that happened you dissapeared. Please Y/n talk to me."

You shook your head more tears streaming down your cheeks as you tried to speak without sounding like you were dying. Though it felt like you were.

"You don't love me 'shiro, I gotta get over you but whenever you're near me it makes it so hard. No matter how hard I try I keep falling harder."

"Who said I don't love you? Angelcake, you never asked me if I loved you. Look at you, what is there not to love about you? When you said you loved me I'd never been more happy in my entire life. So please, stop running away from me, I hate not being with you."

"'shiro..."

"Shh, let's get you home, I wanna show you how much I love you."

Arriving at your house, you force the key into the door as quick as you can manage. Taishiro taking notice to how desperate you were to enter.

Pushing the door open you realize how messy your house was, an awkward smile spreading across your face as you let him in. "Please excuse the mess, it's not usually like this I've just been having a hard time recently."

"As if it's any worse than mine, besides I'm not here to judge you." He grins placing his hand in yours and leading you to your bedroom. Seeing as he'd been here enough to know the lay out of your house.

Just as soon as you were in your room, he was all over you. Kissing you with so much passion you thought you were dreaming by the way he seemed to be bleeding out lust.

Taishiro opted to use his normal form in moments like this, his fat body not working when it came to the more intimate moments. Not that you loved him any less in any form.

You whine into the kiss, your body on fire from the arousal building up within you. Clawing at your close to get them off, desperate to have Taishiro's hands be on your bare skin.

"Someones needy, aren't they?"

"'shiro, please I want you. I've been waiting for this."

He hums, giving you a small nod as his hands sneak up your shirt. Helping you strip out of your clothes before falling suite with his own.

His hands grope your breasts squeezing lightly to get a reaction out of you. Which you give through a small moan. The noise is just enough to get him going though.

Spreading your legs and holding them open with his knees he slides his fingers over your folds, getting a grasp for how wet you were for him.

The more he teased the more you squirmed under him, small begs passing through your lips. Begging for him to hurry up.

"Taishiro, please stop teasing me I cant wait anymore~"

He only smiles in response, placing his cock at your entrance. Having done this just a week ago he was more than ready to plunge into the depth. Slowly thrusting into you allowing you to adjust.

You whine out his name, back slightly arching off the bed in ecstasy. Clenching around him your eyes clouded with list at the sensual yet familiar feeling of him filling you up.

He thrusts harder, finding a sweet rhythmatic pace that made the both of you feel good. Not too fast, but not too slow either. The perfect momentum between the two of you.

Leaning down to kiss you, he finds himself smiling like a little kid, happier than ever to be with you in this moment.

"'m close baby, where do you want my cum?"

"Anywhere, I dont care."

Satisfied with that response he thrusts into you a few more times before pulling out and letting his cum cover your lower abdomen.

"I told you I loved you babe, is that enough to prove it?"

"More than I could have ever asked for."

[omegawolverine]

Plesse tell me about queerness in the get down!!

okay okay queerness in the get down let's fuckn goooo

disclaimer: I havent watched this show in full for like 5 months at least, probably gonna get something wrong and/or forget some more important bits. also this wasnt proof read I just word vomited

tws: period typical homophobia, abuse mention, f slur use, bury your gays trope, overdose mention, mention of a creepy possible age gap (the age gap hasnt been confirmed so that's why its possible), cops

going from least to most prominent queer characters, let's start with mylene cruz!

so, from the beginning of this show she has an established romantic relationship with ezekiel (although the status of their actual relationship changes frequently throughout the show) and though this was a relationship she was hesitant to pursue, it is clear that she does have romantic feelings for him and if not for them both having growing careers in very different music genres (zeke specifically working in a genre that she repeatedly labels as bad because she thinks they're ruining records + that it isnt real music because they're using someone elses piece and rapping over it, that's not really important here tho lol) they probably wouldve had a much healthier, smooth sailing romance. that being said theres a few things that happen in the show that, while not explicitly clear, or even really good coding at that—to the point where you wont catch if you really arent looking for it (and trust me, I always look for coding, hers was just so little that it flew over my head until I saw someone else mention it)—are still cool to think about!

so, for starters, I wanna mention the toy box performance, which was performed by mylene and regina, who are best friends. that's all cool and shit, and you dont really think much about it...until you hear about the fact that the show runners purposely colored a lot of the scenes in that performance with the bi colors. like. the writers after the show ended basically said "oh yeah there was plans to make her coding more explicit, but our shit got cancelled soooo" and then dropped the fact that she was gonna be bi (or at least implies bi) in the series, which puts a new twist on a few things.

now, besides the bi coloring in the background of the toy box performance (which was mostly on scenes with her and regina, which involved a lot of uh,, lowkey lewd dancing. with each other. in very revealing outfits. wooooo), there's her music! I dont tend to read too much into this one bc, like I said before, her coding is fucking light and the writers themselves said they didnt really get to do much with it, but I think some stuff with her music is interesting. specifically how her, yolanda and regina's song set me free blew up because dizzee, resident (lowkey enby coded) bicon, got their song played in a queer club. also that the song was majorly important to dizzee and started playing literally right as he kissed a boy for the first time and realized "oh shit I like boys that's bonkers". also that the song can be taken in a gay way since literally the entire thing is about becoming your true self, fully and unapologetically, which is what both dizzee and mylene's entire character arcs are about. dizzee (and a lot of other queer people, apparently), heard this song about being set free and it resonated with them so much that they got that shit most of its popularity.

speaking of dizzee and mylene, they parallel each other a lot in the way that their arcs are about them realizing who they are, coming into themselves and no longer just letting people treat them like shit in a sense (dizzee starting to tell people essentially that they can call him weird all they want, they can make fun of how he acts, what he likes, how he dresses, etc. but he likes how he is and quite literally saying "it's okay to be an alien" as he has consistently compared himself to one throughout the show vs mylene learning that if she wants to be a disco singer she needs to put her foot down, not let anyone, not even the love of her life, not even her abusive father, stop her from achieving her dreams, etc. and continuing to pursue her career with or without their support). one more little parallel that I think is interesting is during I think s2 towards the end of the show is when dizzee and thor are shown together having fun with each other, painting all over the building and each other and are basically just being happy and in love together and then they have these clips of them being interspersed with clips of mylene at a party where she is starting to realize that if she wants to get anywhere she needs to be her own main priority and that she needs to put her career and her dream, which is what makes her the happiest, above all else if she wants to succeed. idk I just think how the show made these two into a weird parallel, accidental or not, is neat. maybe not an explicitly queer parallel, but I think at least how her music and whatnot helped dizzee, the main queer character in this show, blossom, is important.

moving on we got shaolin fantastic also known as "oh no your internalized homophobia is showing-"

so, heres a quick list of...interesting shao facts:

Consistently referred to as fag/faggot (shaolin fanfaggot is my personal favorite); he gets really defensive about this despite nobody actually thinking he's queer, it's just people being assholes to be assholes, and he is the only character consistently referred to using a slur, especially a homophobic one, especially for a "straight" character. dizzee, a canonically queer character, is called a fag less than shaolin is even though dizzee actively goes to gay clubs, has a not so secret dude he "hangs out with" and wont let anyone properly meet, paints his nails, wears less than straight clothes even by the 70s standards and is just all around the definition of fucking queer (and I mean like in the weird way, not the gay way). in fact theres only like once I can remember him being called a fag and it had nothing to do with him actually being gay it was literally just like thrown out there the same way you would call someone a bitch.

Has only shown sexual interest in women, yet refuses to have deeper relationships with women in general (possibly because of trauma but who knows) but takes his relationships with his "brothers", specifically zeke, very seriously

Tells zeke and zeke ONLY his real name when zeke was planning to stop being his friend bc shao more or less got boo boo, a like 14 year old black kid, arrested for selling hard drugs; he was clearly scared and trying to do anything to keep zeke around, literally chasing him down the street and hounding him until he got zeke to stop and argue with him

Kept threatening to beat up zeke in the end but couldn't actually bring himself to do so, instead saying that zeke is "fucking lucky" before walking away

Let's zeke get away with things that nobody else can, in general just has a weird soft spot for ezekiel that he shows with nobody else

when shao found dizzee with thor in a vaguely compromising situation (like they were just shirtless covered in paint sleeping next to each other but shao had also seen everything they painted on the walls ((which some of it was sus)), it was clear they had painted on each others bodies and dizzee had been routinely disappearing with this guy for weeks now yet not producing nearly as much art, at least, as far as we audience members know) he didnt judge him but instead, waited for him to get cleaned up and then told him something along the lines of "theres a reason why im so secretive blah blah blah [not everyone needs to know everything about me]", which, in context, kinda implies that he might be a lil. a lil homiesexual. jus a lil.

whenever even the possibility of zeke leaving him comes up he absolutely loses it. he has literally cost ezekiel life changing opportunities because he thought zeke would just up and leave him for them. this could be abandonment issues bc he's a severely traumatized character, and that probably does contribute to it, but it also is just not a reaction he has to any of their other friends just randomly dipping in and out of his life soooooo

generally speaking, this mfer has got either bisexual with a big hard on for zeke coding or homosexual with terrible internalized homophobia and still a hard on for zeke coding. either fucking way, that nigga gay. he gay as hell. gay as fuck man. there wasn't really much to analyze here tbh bc the coding is just so fucking obvious if you look for it or you are/have been a gay person who's dealt with at least a little bit of internalized homophobia.

also, just a sidenote, idk how fucking old shao, but I'm praying hes like at max 19 bc I'm pretty sure zeke is a minor in this show and shao definetly is not so the whole him being heavily implied to have a crush on ezekiel thing is kinda. oof. not oof if zeke is like 17 but any younger than that? OOF.

edit: apparently the characters are only supposed to be a year apart in age but i had no clue about that before writing this post and since shaos age was never actually stated in the show i naturally assumed he was an adult since his actor Looks Like An Adult. this is definetly on me to a certain extent, but i also never saw anything about this when trying to find our their ages so 🤷‍♀️ maybe i just didnt look deep enough, sorry!

now moving on to the main event...marcus dizzee kipling :]

so, first things first, let's talk enby coding bc him being bisexual was already confirmed!

um, to start off, I just wanna say I dont think this enby coding was intentional or even really coding, it's just moreso me being a dizzee kin on main and knowing as a transmasc enby he has very transmasc enby vibes. for example:

cool, gender neutral nickname that everyone calls him

paints nails various different colors

the whole wardrobe is just a transmasc enby heaven...fishnet shirts, jean overalls, jackets and cuffed pants galore, the big colorful pins, etc

gender neutral hairstyle (when I had my fro it was very sexy and made it easy to transition between hyper masc and vaguely fem, which is pog)

comparing himself to/representing himself consistently with an alien character (though this is meant to represent his sexuality, it could also double as a gender thing too, not neccesarily bc of the whole nonbinary alien trope but bc an enby who likes aliens might heavily identify or compare themselves to whatever their idea of an alien is, whether that just be a genderless entity or a motherfucker with fly style and no need to be perceived as anything other Wacky As Hell)

moving on from there, let's talk about how his queerness is presented to us and how, while it may be a really good piece of representation, especially coming from netflix, it still lacks in A Lot of places.

so, let's start with good things!

i personally really like the get down's queer rep with dizzee bc it's (for the most part) nonsexualized and very very soft, about dizzee figuring himself out and realizing there is a place where he fits in, and about two teenagers in the 70s falling in love over their shared passion for street art. it also features an interracial couple where both boys challenge stereotypes both about queer men and men of color, which is epic poggers and very sexy. this piece of rep specifically is very important to me bc I am a queer black person and even tho interracial relationships are mostly normalized now, I've still had people give me shit for primarily dating white people in a town that is...primarily white lol

mm anyways, I can also appreciate how in the get down, dizzee being represented by rumi the alien is not a thing specifically related to gender (as it often is) and instead is about his sexuality and just in general weirdness and how it has led to him being alienated amongst his peers, poc or otherwise. him seeing himself as an alien is not about just his queerness, which is important, it is about him being a queer black man who talks different, acts different, dresses different and is "soft"—he isnt a walking black male stereotype and he wouldnt have been seen as masculine back in the 70s by any stretch of the imagination. this can be relatable to a wide spectrum of queer poc, from queer black men currently who still have to deal with this shit or to people like myself who are afab neurodivergent mixed race enbies that have always been signaled out as weird and alienated for it. dizzee is god rep bc while he has a small part in this show, his parts are very impactful, hard hitting and show queer poc of all ages that they arent alone and that it's okay to "weird", you just need to embrace it because somebody will love you for you, as thor did for dizzee.

that being said theres um. some minor problemas here,,,

namely:

dizzee and thors first kiss

the lack of development this pairing got

the way dizzee was confirmed bisexual off screen, he never said the words himself, just showed interest in both genders

the way dizzee and thor were never even confirmed boyfriends or just fwb so most of the fandom just calls them boyfriends bc Why Not

dizzee was implied fucking DEAD??? AT THE END OF THE SERIES?????? AND THOR WAS IMPLIED ARRESTED?????????????

now, these might have been things that wouldve been fine had the show been given it's full run but it wasnt which is why we are now left with probelms.

so, from the top, let's go over these: dizzee and thor's first (and only "on screen") kiss was one that was shown in a montage of other queer people making over and doing other vaguely romantic/sexual things, one of those things being a whole ass naked titty being mouthed at, but the actual kiss...was just not shown? like they really did just say "yes they kissed <3 you know this from the context clues of it being in a montage with kissing, hickey giving and titty sucking <3 but no we will not show it <3" LIKE HELLO? I SAW A NAKED BOOBIE BUT NOT TWO MEN KISS??? HUH????????

also, dizzee and thor were both fucking high as hell during this bit like this isnt a terrible thing but it's also like sometimes you do shit when you're high that you wouldnt do sober and they just never kissed again on screen so like?? like idk that's not that bad but it does kinda irk me since they deadass got no other on screen intimacy after that unless you including painting on eacher other or sleeping next to each other on a shitty mattress but not touching at all during it bc they were both at opposite ends of the mattress like half way off it

so yeah, that was trash. then we got lack of development, which kinda goes with the "dizzee being a bisexual but he never says it in canon" thing cause like...okay dizzee was already sort of a side character from the get go like he wasnt the mc by any means, but he became way more of a background character as things continued until we basically only saw him for performances or when he was with thor, yet they got no fucking development as a pairing other than "dizzee realize he gay, he like thor, he and thor spend time together and ig probably do some gay stuff but we dont really know bc we only ever see them do graffiti together now" like?? tf am I supposed to do with that shit. answer. quickly. and then theres dizzee not being confirmed bisexual, which is just a running problem with shows literally doing everything to say a character is bi except for having the character just...say they're bi? which would be so easy? like a good way dizzee and thor couldve had some development is by thor teaching dizzee things about the queer community that he didnt even know existed, thor couldve helped him understand what being bi meant and helped him label himself and whatnot but instead we got an off screen confirmation that the writers had bisexual in mind when writing him. which is garbagé.

the whole thor and dizzee never having a confirmed relationship status is also a development problem cause like literally nobody knows if they were just friends who made out, maybe fucked, who knows, or if they were dating bc dizzee does give a love confession but a love confession doesn't mean there is a relationship, especially since thor didn't say he was in love either (as far as I remember, I could be wrong, plus whether or not that really happened or was apart of dizzee literally overdosing during a performance is unclear so 🤪)

and now for the biggest issue...bury your gays trope.

during the season 2 finale, dizzee and thor are chased by cops after they are found doing graffiti, one of the cops is able to catch thor while the other chases dizzee into a train tunnel and there is a train seen headed straight for him before the show cuts to black on a train horn. the show writers claim that if they had gotten another season, dizzee wouldve been alive but since they didnt and since that's essentially super fan trivia knowledge, most people dont fucking know that and instead had to watch a black queer teenager chose death over being fucking arrested by a white cop. on top of that, thor didnt see any of that shit because he was caught and the cop started hauling him off while dizzee was still being chased so thor literally has no clue where his friend/possible boyfriend fucking is or that he's likely dead in a goddamn tunnel all alone, unless you count the fucking pig that chased him in there who wouldve died too. this shows rep was so fucking good as far as most shows go on not having major fucking problems, on not being toxic and over sexualized, etc, etc. and then they just. killed a black queer teenager for no fucking reason. like it was literally the last episode ever, it would add nothing to the plot, it would just devastate fans and devastate it fucking did. I dont cry easy but seeing a character I identified with, who I had hyperfixated on, die because he'd rather that than be arrested is terrible. it fucking sucked.

so yeah. that's my all too extensive thoughts/analysis on the get down's queerness. theres definitely stuff I missed, or misinterpreted, or looked too much into, etc, etc., but this was a fun thing to spend time writing sooo yeah!! thanks for the ask anon, sorry this was just a big rambley info dump, but hopefully you get some enjoyment out of it since it took like 3 hours at least 😭😭 feel free to ask clarifying questions lol

[beann-e]

-tried to make it a bit long so you could enjoy , happy birthday I hope you have a fun day 🥺

Celebrating your birthday

Goshiki

- you always praised goshiki ever since youd been dating you would tell him how amazing he was , how he was the best player on his team , encourage the way he talked badly about his opposing teams ace saying his was much better and he’d be even more awesome when he took ushijimas spot as ace

- goshiki has never felt like he’s done enough to be awarded your praise though he won’t tell you

- no not when you place kisses all over his face and on his red stained hands from hitting the ball so hard that night, applying moisturizer on his callouses he’d gotten from the constant beat down at practice or even just kissing him softly and whispering you got this in his ear the night before a game.

- For weeks youd been telling goshiki your birthday was coming up but why had he suddenly gone missing ? your boyfriend was MIA everyday since youd told him. He was always working late and coming home at 2 am walking through the house only to fall into bed and ignore the hugs you tried to provide for his tired body Him falling asleep as soon as you sighed and took it on your own accord to wrap your arms around his waist and pull him back into you

-It was enevitable that he would have a game on your birthday him explaining that he felt horrible and could happily ditch it your brain knowing that he would only be sad the whole day if you let him. No matter how much volleyball came in between you two for the last few weeks you’d still been adamant about wanting the best for him. You telling him with a smile you didn’t care what you did for your birthday as long as you spent it with him. though you did ask for your present to be what he always teased you about telling you that one day he would get you a seat on his teams bench so you could see him play up close.

- you never actually thought he’d do it. You thanking everyone as they walked past you on the bench gifting you your small happy birthdays before the match began

- your heart swelling everytime you saw your boyfriend make a point and it wasn’t until the last few seconds of the match that you felt something was off

The air swirled around you as your body felt a chill run through it your eyes making contact with your boyfriends as he looked away and jumped in the air his serious face focused on nothing other than that moment as the whistle sounded. His teammates eyes widened in shock as they held their mouths open goshikis eyes falling to his hands looking in amazement before he looked down and realized there was a body clinging to him yelling into his chest

Your loud cries falling from your mouth before you or anyone else could speak

“ YOU MADE THE LAST SHOT —A CROSS SHOT BABY — YOU WON THE GAME “

You’d never thought this is what would have made your day. Him blinking twice before he ran off the court trying to get you as far away from the cheers of his team and coach as he could

ignoring the protest from the referees that stated he couldn’t do it screaming at him that he had to say his thanks firsts.

he scooped you up in his arms kissing you harshly before pulling back to breathe heavily him half expecting to see a smile when he looked down at you only to see your face concentrated on the floor trying to understand all these past weeks him explaining it for you

“I was working —- working so hard on perfecting the cross shot for you baby “ his sweaty jersey clinging to him as he smiled widely at you who was spluttering nothing but small praises for him

“ every night after practice —I spent perfecting it so you could come here tonight and see i’m not a loser — that’s what I wanted to give you for your birthday I didn’t know what else to give you “

he felt his eyes trying to water as he wiped his wet jersey over his face “ your always saying how you want me to master what I love to do and I— i did it and I — I gifted it to you — and I just I love you so much — your so dedicated to me that you came here on your birthday and I “

“ I wanted nothing else all I wanted was to be with you — that’s all I wanted to do and seeing you perfect something that you’ve been trying to do since I met you is just “ you planted your head on his chest “ it’s amazing your so cool goshiki “

Your boyfriends head spinning rapidly when all your praises suddenly hit him now knowing the only thing that could make this better would be to show off that he’d just scored the last point and won the game for his team

He felt on top of the world right now he had his fine ass s/o wrapped around him like a teddy bear and he was being praised and told there was no one as cool as him in the world

His brain short circuited as the team tried to pull you away to stop feeding his ego until they just sighed and let goshiki tell them how much better of an ace he was gonna be than ushijima your eyes going hard on ushijima as you mumbled “ birthday “

your boyfriend not seeing the shake that ran through the taller males body at the one word that had been laced with so much malice and just a slight teasing to it as if daring him to diagree and as brutally honest as ushijima was he was not stupid

he shook his head up and down quickly only agreeing that goshiki did have a chance with a reassuring yes slipping out after. His hand immediately grabbing tendous arm to walk away in fear of you

Your birthday being made as you saw the male in front of you happy that’s all that mattered to you right now. This is what made your day your boyfriend working hard on something not only because of himself but because he wanted to impress you that was when you felt loved.

That was the best birthday present knowing you’d always be engraved in someone’s mind as the simple push — the person that helped them better what they couldn’t do on their own.

sakusa

-sakusa honestly didn’t know what to do for your birthday he knew anything you’d come up with he’d have to go out of his comfort zone so he was trying to mentally prepare himself for that fact alone 2 months prior to your birthday

- he wasn’t that surprised when you said that all you wanted for your birthday was to go out to eat lunch with your boyfriend at least once. Him rolling his eyes asking why you two couldnt just order takeout and he could buy you some dollar decorations and could pop a happy birthday pin on you and call it a day

- you only answering with a straight faced and voice monotoned “ we’ve had takeout 2 weeks in a row ‘kusa “

-“ and it was good—no ? we enjoyed our own house atmosphere and being alone yes ? “

-“ and it was cold because you made us clean off the table then switch the plates that the food came in then wash our hands then for the last step watch as we reheated it. His eyes rolling as he plopped on the couch agreeing to go out but only with setting rules and boundaries for himself on this small birthday party between you two

- you two would only go somewhere he knew they cleaned and wore gloves to cook. or even at least might wipe down the tables and somehwrr he would be comfortable with by knowing the owners

- which is how you two ended up at onigiri miya with osuma giving you guys a discount off -- which wasn’t that much may I say —- atsuma siting with suna while he snapped pictures posting them to the group chat with the caption ‘ our germbabies first day out ‘

- you sighing happily as you looked to your left and right oh yeah his other rule was the two tables next to you had to be pushed as far away from yours as possible because he wouldn’t go if you two were just going to be packed and seated in the middle of the restaurant with people he didn’t know

“ I hope your happy “ his tone was snappy and accusing as he gripped his mask away from his face directing his spoon under the mask slowly

“ ‘kusa come on take off your mask “

he grunted rolling his eyes at you “ havent you gotten enough “

“ please wanna see your pretty face “ he felt heat spread throughout his body and spread across his face as he muttered small protests and profanities at your words

the mask being pulled off and crumbled in his right hand looking at you heavily “ god anything else you want —want to take away my sanity too huh “ he laughed “ you’ve stripped away all my other safety precautions whats next “

you smiled happily voice slipping out excitedly knowing you’d scare him with your next request “ let’s go to the pool after lunch “ he felt his body tighten at your claim he hated to tell you he wasn’t going to do something on your birthday or to tell you no but

“ no “ he spat as his your brows furrowed “ havent you gotten enough — ive put myself close to — and directly in the line of death enough for you today “ he said staring at you from across the table

his own body jumping a bit when a person tried to walk over to him for a picture shaking his head and face made up in disgust at their maskless face and how they simply looked like they’d gotten dressed in the dark

“ god —look at this i’m ready to go—I can’t do this much longer my love your days over “

“ babe seriously you didn’t even give me a present“

he laughed as he stood up putting his mask back on and tucking the money for your lunch into the receipt given to him before raising his hand halfheartedly waving the waiter down and nodding his head at them before walking behind you hand placed on the small of your back directing you through the loud and rather messy crowd

“ you’ve gotten your present from me already “ he whispered “ you’ve gotten to see me maskless — in a crowded environment if I may add and you didn’t get sick so yay “

you laughed as he spoke again “ enjoy it cause you won’t get it again “ he tore his mask off smiling softly at you as you studied his face

it wasnt the fact that he wasn’t wearing his mask you’d already seen him maskless when you two were alone. What made your birthday was the fact he was willing to go so far out of his comfort zone for you.

He never would have just went out to a resteraunt and ate his food around others and allow others to cook his food without him seeing it done physically himself and making sure nothing bad was happening. much less him taking his mask off around other people — people he didn’t know

you couldn’t help but feel a flutter as you looked through the car window he was right you were enjoying this because you knew you would never get it again not until another birthday when you would have sukusa go out of his comfort zone time and time again just to remind you how much he truly loved you and would do anything to make your birthday a special day for you

lev

- lev is a child he likes doing fun things you were no different yourself and if you were you could always calm him down and assume the role of parenting but then again if you weren’t someone of maturity that could maybe explain why you two were in jail on your birthday.

- Kenma and kuroo outside your cell dressed up in pajamas kenmas game boy clicking away as the two stared into the cell kuroos eyes boring into your boyfriends kenma occasionally eyeing you a bit intrigued with this side of you he’d never seen before

-Kuroo taking the dad role while kenma whispered behind him about how lev was an idiot and you — he couldn’t say anything about you

-he just assumed that idiot lev here was the one who decided to go in an abandoned house and wreck the whole thing only to find out that you were the one who came up with it

-the original idea was for you two to do what you saw on a movie where a woman destroyed an old house no one used for fun and to let all her fustratuons out and since it was your birthday —not that it would have mattered if it wasn’t —lev would have still done it with you birthday or not but now since it was your birthday this gave him even more reason to show little to no hesitation to follow behind you

-Which is not what you two really needed from each other

-when you both went to town on the house even breaking the outer walls of the dirty building levs arms reaching the ceiling with every pull back of the hammer to the wall he made. You and lev looking at each other happily when you turned to see the woman at the screwed up houses threshold

-“ oh hey you must be here —we must of had the same idea “ you smiled even harder when she returned it only for your smile to drop when you watched her call 911 with a laugh telling them how she was gonna get so much money and be able to buy a new house and get out of this rundown neighborhood because of two stupid kids

-your body sweating and looking away when kuroo beat into him about it saying how he now had to talk the lady out of suing

-your eyes darting to kenmas all knowing ones when lev screamed that you came up with the idea earlier and really lev just didn’t want you to be sad on your birthday so he just simply followed behind kuroos claims because he loves you and honestly it originally sounded fun before the arrest

“ god y/n —legs here is an idiot but never expected him to bring you into this “ kenmas voice challenged you as he smirked softly at his game” huh always felt like it would have been the other way around when it came to who influenced who “ your body stiffened as a cough leaked out

“ huh “ kuroo looked dumbfounded at his friends words

“ nothing kuroo just perfect a match a—perfect match “

The ride home was long as you two thanked kuroo and kenma before you ran down the sidewalk looking back at lev “ there’s still an hour to my birthday “

lev smiled as he watched you get further into the distance “ which means “

“ tag “ you screamed him following “ Y/N WE JUST GOT ARRESTTED “

“ AND SOMEONE IN CANDA JUST PUKED UP RED BEANS — COME ON “ he found himself laughing you suited him so well he always loved having fun and everyday was fun with you

his body finally catching up to yours as he tagged you wrapping his arms around your waist and pulling you into his own body panting softly yours leaning back against his chest and looking up “ babe you see the stars “

you nodded at him smiling “ so pretty “

“ yeah really they are“

“ they always look so happy and beautiful and just bright—- they always make me feel calm at peace and just they settle my nerves “

he turned you to face him looking into your eyes as he smiled kissing you softly mouths moving to the tune of a song as he you smiled into the kiss head falling to his chest while he sighed in content in this moment

“ couldnt have described you better—“ your face went up in surprise that he thought those things about you “ happy birthday y/n”

[diamondcamefromhell]

Cane

Kaz Brekker x fem!reader

A/N: play “guess whos back” on me because ayee, i am back, this time not with jaskier fic [sorry bby] but with... kaz brekker? whaa? so i am super late to the fandom but i read six of crows a couple of weeks ago and wanted to write an imagine with kaz x reader so.... vuioula?

oh and also HAVENT read crooked kingdom yet so no spoilers plz <333

Summary: y/n is part of the dregs, on good terms with kaz but when kaz gets a bit hurt things take a turn 

Warnings: swearing and leg injury [not grpahic at all]

word count:

FEEDBACK IS APPRECIATED AND REQUESTS ARE OPEN BUT I MIGHT TAKE AWHILE TO GET TO THEM [open for all witcher and six of crows characters btw]

Kaz slipped on his gloves looking at me like I was a disgrace, but I began to wonder if that was is resting face. He seemed to look like that at nearly everyone. I flashed him my teeth in return.

“No need to glare, pretty boy.” He clicked his tongue at my nickname, which I knew for a fact he hated. Or pretended to hate.

“Get off my fucking wardrobe, Y/N.” I lift by brows in question, laying back down, or trying to do so as much as I could in the small space.

“I like it here.” I shoot a glance at Kaz, who just rolls his eyes, but I see a small curl forming on his lips. “I may be no Inej, but I like small spaces.”

“I know.” Kaz says almost softly, before he picks up his cane and pokes me in the legs. “But terrorize someone else, please.”

“Oh did our great Kaz Brekker just said please?” I tease, but however jump off his wardrobe. Kaz towers over me slightly, looking down now, leaning on his cane.

“Next time I will beat you with my cane.” I narrow my eyes, grinning.

“Ooh, scary.” I pat him on the shoulder, moving away before he actually beats me with his cane. His expression grows cold at the touch, but I ignore it. “Where are we headed?”

“I am going to see some friends.” Kaz says through his teeth, making it pretty clear I am not welcome.

“You don’t have friends, but alright, pretty boy.” I wink, heading for the door, but I stop for a moment before leaving. I shoot a glance at him and he raises his eyebrows. “Be careful, please.”

“You don’t have to worry about me.” He says nonchalantly.

“You know I always will.” I whisper, leaving the room and slamming the door.

I decide to make my way to Jasper, jumping down the stairs to catch him gambling at the table. I glance at the group, already guessing he will lose. He sees me approaching and flashes me a smile. I wink in turn, looking around the room for more familiar faces.

I wish Nina were here. We got along great, even if she was relentless and insisted I have a crush on Kaz.

She may be right. But it wasn’t about that. It was about respect. Gratitude. It was about family.

Kaz makes his way downstairs, limping more than usual. Inej appears from nowhere and they exchange a few whispers before he leaves and the Suli girl looks at me.

“He’ll be fine, you know.” She says, approaching me. I believe her, but still feel uneasy.

“Do you think he would kill me if I followed him?” Inej laughs because the answer is blaringly obvious. I flush red.

“He would one thousand percent catch you. And be angry.” Inej takes my hand in hers. “And he will be fine. You don’t have to worry. It’s Kaz.”

“Bastard of the Barrel.” I mutter, pulling away. Inej’s face shadows but she forces a smile. I don’t respond. “I’m going to sleep.”

“It’s early.” I glance at Inej, already walking away.

“I’m tired.” I respond, stepping two steps at a time, rushing into a room they got let me stay in, falling face down on my bed.

Moments later I roll down off it, in the small tight space between the bed and the wall. Tight places make me feel safe. Not exposed. Hidden.

I had to hide too much as a child. It’s now forever in me.

You only wont get hurt if they don’t find you. If they don’t see you. If you make yourself so small, you disappear.

I slip into sleep, not sure for how long, until my door flies open. I instinctively lower myself underneath my bed, until I recognize that the voice.

“Y/N!” Jasper. I roll from under the bed, meeting his gaze as he gets startled. Our eyes lock and he opens his mouth to speak. “It’s Kaz…”

I don’t wait for him to finish. I am on my feet, practically flying out of my room, my heart a few steps behind, lungs on fire, I go to his room, but he is not there. I slam the door behind me, sending myself flying down the stairs.

I lose my footing, falling ungracefully on my knees. My ankle seemingly catches fire but I don’t care, jumping on my feet, looking around, white noise ringing in my ears.

Kaz. Where is he?

I see Inej rush from the furthest corner of the room. Our eyes meet.

“Here.” She points, but as I try to rush past her into the other room, she catches me. “You need to calm down first.”

“Let me go.” I practically growl, but she holds me. I feel Jasper approach too.

“Breathe, for fucks sake.” Jasper says, shaking my shoulders from behind, and I let out a breathe that I didn’t even realize I was holding in.

“Kaz is fine.” Inej says, forcing me to look at her. “Just his leg got busted a little bit more. He will be fine. Nina is on her way.”

“Let me in.” I hiss, freeing myself from her grip, but she stands in front of the door.

“He said-“ I slam my hand next to her face. She doesn’t flinch and doesn’t move. We lock eyes.

“I don’t care.” I know she understands. I know she knows why I have to see him. She moves out of the way.

“Knock yourself out.” She says coldly. I give her a nod, before I twist the handle, pushing the door.

The room is lit up and I see Kaz in a chair, his leg lifted on another one. He has his eyes closed, holding his cane over his midriff. He doesn’t look at me when I close the door.

“I thought I made it clear I don’t want you hear.” Ouch. I cross my arms, glaring at him, even if he cant see.

“I thought you said you will be fine.” I respond and he looks at me, cold faced.

“I am fine.” I shake my head, approaching him. I sit on the ground, pulling knees to my chest. A comfortable distance away, so he doesn’t kick me if I piss him off.

“That scared the shit out of me.” I whisper, closing my eyes. “When Jasper came in my room and just said your name and when Inej stopped me. I thought you died.”

“Why should it matter if I died? It doesn’t change your debt. Your life.” I snicker at his words.

“Yeah. My life would totally be the same if you died, Kaz.” I hate that I cant hide the shaking. I hate that he probably sees me as a weak woman. As a weak person. Someone childish and immature. But I cant stop acting like that. Even now, when he is hurt.

“People would still take care of you.” I glance up at him just as he looks down to me. “If that’s what you worried about. The Dregs have your back.”

“There are no Dregs without you.” I say, but he scoffs.

“Whatever.” I sigh, standing up. My ankle kills me suddenly, and I grab his chair to steady myself. “Are you alright?”

“Whatever.” I say, looking at him. “Why should it matter if I am hurt? Your life is the same.”

“Not if you don’t pay your debt.” He says and I am taken back. I stare at him, stone faced, sitting there without a care of the world. Only kruge. All he needs is kruge.

“Fuck you, Kaz.” I breathe out, stepping back, limping.

“You too, Y/N.” Doors behind my back open and I can only assume it’s Nina.

I don’t say a word. I turn around, not even saying hi, I leave the room. I limp past Inej and Jasper. They don’t try to stop me. I limp out of the building into the dark streets of Ketterdam.

I breathe in the air, not sure where to go. I needed to air out my emotions. To be away from everyone.

I wanted to be alone. To hide. Make myself feel small. Invisible.

Seemed that is what I will always be. Only seen for what people need of me, not who I am.

But then again, who am I?

I go to the Fifth Harbour. I know its not safe. I know its dumb. But I don’t care.

Luckily, I get there without any trouble. I go behind some crates and fishing nets stacked against one of the buildings. I squeeze myself in, make myself invisible between two crates. I throw the net over the top.

Sky looks like its made from puzzle pieces now. Nothing is connected. All scattered, all a mess.

I close my eyes.

“Im such a fucking child.” I say to myself, quietly. “I cant handle rejection like an adult.”

I lean back breathing in the salty air. I can barely move. It makes me feel safe. I focus on that. How I am squeezed in. How I feel.

How it proves I am alive. I am real. I matter.

I don’t realize how I fall asleep, softly crying, but when I wake, the sun is already high in the sky. My entire body is stiff from being squeezed in one position all night. Everything hurts and I can barely open my eyes.

I try to stand, but the pain in the ankle stabs me and send me back to the ground, with the net tangling around me. A wave of panic rushes over me as I try to get it off, only making matters worse.

I stop and breathe, trying to calm down, until I hear someone knocking on a crate nearby. Something towers over me, blocking the sun.

I open my eyes to see Kaz looking down to me. A smallest hint of relief runs past his face for a moment, but then he is back to being cold.

“Need a hand?” He asks, tapping the cane on the crate again. I glare at him, tears burning my eyes. I shake my head. “Alright.”

He moves away, the sun blinding me again. I don’t hear him walk away, so I know he is still standing there. Probably mocking me. Great.

I get the net off myself this time. Lift myself despite my body screaming at me. Just a moment later I am standing in front of him and our eyes meet again.

I limp past him, he silently walks behind.

“Told you I am fine.” He speaks, and I hear him double tap his cane. “As good as I was before.”

“Good.” I say, not slowing down. “Glad to hear that.”

“Nina is back at Crow Club to help you.” Kaz says again and this time I glance back. He isn’t looking at me, but more at the people passing us.

“Okay.” I slow down as my ankle is killing me now, limping even more. I don’t want Kaz to see me like this. Everything hurt. “I know the way.”

“Just keeping you safe.” He says calmly, and I know he expected me to protest.

“I don’t need you to keep me safe.” I say quietly and the man just sighs.

I stop for a moment, next to some other crates, leaning against them. Kaz catches up to me, blocking the sun again. I look at him.

“Am I really just walking kruge for you?” I ask, breathing heavily. “Not a walking, breathing and feeling human being?”

“You are barely walking.” He says, glancing at my ankle.

“Don’t ignore my question.” I say harshly.

“Don’t ask stupid questions.” We glare at each other, and I push myself up and walk again, though visibly way more slowly than before. This time Kaz stays by my side.

“At least I wont bother you anymore. I wont be able to climb that fucking wardrobe anytime soon.”

“Nina will patch you up and you will be there in no time, Y/N.” Kaz doesn’t sound fazed yet again, as if he thought all of this out already.

“I’m clearly not welcome.” I whisper, looking ahead. Tears prick my eyes but I will break another ankle before I let Kaz see me cry over him. “And I need to work harder to pay my debt off.”

“Not being welcome never stopped you before.” I glare at him.

“Thanks.”

We walk in silence. Or move at a snails speed. I try to fasten myself, but it seems like I will eat dirt before that happens. Kaz doesn’t seem fazed.

He also doesn’t seem to be limping as much.

We make it away from the docks, and he stops, and I follow suit. I sit down on the ground, breathing heavily. He stares seemingly into the abyss.

“Why do you care about me?” He asks and I scoff.

“Not here to boost your ego, pretty boy.” I say, rolling my eyes.

“It’s not about that.” He responds with sadness in his voice.

“Because you are the first person who cared about me. Even if it was out of kruge. You are the first person who made me feel not small.” I say in one breath as he looks at me, his expression unreadable. “I want you to do that for yourself too. You wont allow anyone else to help you, I want you to help yourself. I want to be here when that happens. I want to make sure you are here to see that happen.”

“Thank you.” He says so quietly I almost don’t catch that.

I smile to the ground until his gloved hand reaches out to me. I take it, standing up. Then the unexpected happens.

Kaz gives me his cane. I stare at it as if it’s a bomb.

“You need it.” I say, but Kaz shakes his head.

“You need it more, Y/N.” When I don’t move, he shoves it in my hand anyway. “I insist.”

I use his cane, wondering if this is the closest I will ever get to him. His cane feels like an extension of him. And he lend it to me.

We make the rest of the way without stopping or talking, once we enter the building a few pairs of eyes shoot to the cane in my hands and to the empty handed Kaz next to me.

Everyone is smarter than to say something, though.

Nina rushes to me, getting me to sit. Then she proceeds to scold me for walking on my hurt ankle. I sit there, apologising and nodding and thanking her as everyone watches us.

I glance at Kaz who is grinning at the sight.

He leaves though, going back to his room. Nina finishes and only then I realize I am still clutching his cane. I excuse myself from her and go up the stairs while grisha stares at me.

My ankle is way better but I’m still limping and she told me to rest.

I don’t bother knocking, I just limp in and he lifts his head from the table, looking at me.

“Your cane.” I say, putting it on the table.

“Oh right.” He says, looking at it. “How’s your leg?”

“Better now. Thank you.” I say, smiling. “And sorry for being a child.”

“I am glad you are like that. Means you are more than just kruge.” I flush. “You are a person.”

“Does that mean when I get better I can climb your wardrobe?” He rolls his eyes, though smiling.

“Fuck off.” I laugh.

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

[honeypirate]

Hi!! Congrats on 420 i think we should celebrate with baking while baked, friends to lovers, first kiss with oikawa? Stoner oikawa is so funny to me i can just imagine his hooded eyes and cackles of laughter and the stupidest jokes 🥰

I think this is the only one weed related lmao but thank you so much for the request! I hope you like it ❤️

Event Masterlist

Oikawa friends to lovers baking while baked first kiss. Post time skip.

Oikawa has been your best friend since the beginning of your first semester when you met him at one of his away games in your city. He wasn’t around often then, your friendship consisting of 80% texts and calls, but when he was around his personality was so infectious you couldn’t imagine not having him in your life.

So you stuck with him, made an effort to keep the friendship strong when you were apart, so on those rare occasions when you could get together, ones like tonight, it would be even more amazing.

The joint passes easily between your fingers as you sit on your fire escape with him. You were talking about your exams coming up and the way his teammate is being a complete pain in the ass.

“How long are you here for?” You ask, expecting a week or less but smiling when he said

“a few months actually. It’s the off season and I’m taking some time to get my priorities in order”

you laugh “my pro volleyball player has priorities other than volleyball huh? Like what?” You ask then take a long hit and pass it to him

“like this” he says and smiles with his eyes as he takes a hit, winking at you and making you roll your eyes with a smile.

You feel your cheeks warm as you look over the edge, your heart fluttered when he said that, the feelings for him you kept hidden seeming to rush straight back to the surface.

By the end of the joint you’re giggling and leaning against him, no cares in the world, your previous worry about him knowing your feelings were out the window, replaced by a calm mellow joyful feeling between you both.

“God it’s so cold” you say “let’s go inside, my roommate moved out yesterday and I haven’t found anyone to take their place yet”

“Oh finally!” He’s saying as he throws his legs across the window “she was horrendous!” You laugh as you watch him struggle, his legs feeling like melted butter.

“Do you need some help?” You ask giggling and he starts to laugh with you “get over here!” he says between laughs and you move to stand next to him and put your arm around him, helping him hop into your apartment.

His arms wrap around you as he gets his footing, he buries his face in your neck and you squeal as his cold nose pushes into your neck.

“stop you’re so cold!” You laugh and he chuckles into your neck “and you’re so warm” he mumbles and hugs you closer. You couldnt resist how good it felt to be standing holding him, like your tingling skin felt soothed by his warmth.

You eventually give in and hug him back, taking his warmth as you shiver “you smell so good” you mumble into his neck and he chuckles “glad you think so” he says and his breath tickles your skin.

The way he spoke sounded so soft, your heart fluttered and you gasp, taking a step back and looking up at him through heavy bloodshot eyes.

“We should make brownies” he says suddenly, smiling wider as he runs to your kitchen. “They’ll warm us up!” He’s calling back.

You stand there for just a few more moments, calming your stupid racing heart, before you join him in your kitchen.

Making brownies high was an experience that just got harder and harder as it went along.

As he gets down your kitchenaid mixer from above your fridge and for a second you thought he was going to fall over backwards, so you stranded behind him ready to catch him at any moment.

You start some chill music and that was the easiest part of the evening. Your chuckling as you reread the ingredients list for the third time since he wasn’t listening, naming them out and he pulls them from the shelves and fridge.

Reading was a struggle when your eyes felt like couldn’t see and your mouth kept forgetting the words you were trying to say leading to Oikawa yelling “spit it out!” Making both of you have a giggle fit

When he goes to crack an egg he just drops the whole thing in the batter which starts you both on a second giggle fit that can only be quelled when you start clearing your throat, suddenly feeling thirsty with a dry mouth.

The brownies and egg in the batter was forgotten about while you make iced lemonade together.

Once you got back to the batter, you struggled through until they got into the oven. Making sure to set an alarm because you would not remember like you could sober.

Somehow you ended up sitting on the floor watching the brownies bake as you shared some of the extra batter you left in the bowl. “Brownies was a good call” you say softly and he gives you his signature cocky smile “I’m full of good ideas as you know” he says, chin covered in brownie batter.

You laugh at the state he’s in, mussed hair, hooded bloodshot eyes, and brownie chin. He looked so high it was so funny to you, he started joining in your laughing, not understanding what was funny but unable to stop.

You reach up and cup his cheek, brushing your thumb against his soft skin before bringing up your other hand, spoon forgotten in the bowl between you, and brush the batter from beneath his bottom lip and chin.

He gasps softly, his hands reaching for you, needing to hold you and make sure you were real and solid.

“Y/n” he whispers and grabs your knee with one hand, the other resting against your neck.

You gasp softly and look up from his lips to his eyes and feel your cheeks warm in embarrassment.

“Oikawa, I.. I” he smiles at you softly, brushing your hair with his fingers “I think we’re too high” you whisper, but you don’t move away, you keep your hold on him and that gives him hope.

“I don’t think this is because of the drugs. I’ve felt like this long before we ever smoked together” he says and you chuckle softly, your skin tingling where he touched, your brain felt light but clear, you felt like you were as melty as the brownies looked, half baked in the oven.

“You have?” You ask and bump your nose into his “you don’t know the half of it” he admits and you gaze adoringly through glazed eyes up at him. He cups your cheek and runs his thumb across your bottom lip “can I kiss you?” You ask and he chuckles “I might die if you don’t” he whispers you smile and press your lips to his for just a moment before pulling back and saying “you’re so dramatic Tooru”

the small chuckle that leaves his lips morphed into a happy laughter that had you placing your head against his shoulder as your sounds of laughter fill your small kitchen

“Tooru I just, I always thought you’d only see me as your best friend I never thought” you say and look back into his eyes.

he laughs “you never thought I’d be smart enough to get my head out of my ass and know what’s right in front of me? Y/n we’ve been through thick and thin and you’ve been my forever constant. Give me some credit, I’m not as dumb as Iwa thinks” you chuckle again and lean forward, the ability to resist the urge gone because of the weed, and press your lips softly to his neck.

You kiss up his neck slowly, feeling him swallow hard as he sighs, a sound that had your head spinning as you kiss across his jaw, until you finally press your lips against his and his world explodes.

Your lips move together slowly, feeling extra sensitive against his, aware of every nerve ending in your body. Your hands bury in his hair, you taste brownies on his tongue and you feel fireworks across your skin as you hum in approval and lick his bottom lip.

He chuckles and meets your tongue with his own before you both tried to lead the kiss, ending up making your head spin from how good it felt.

The brownie timer goes off and you gasp, jumping back and then laughing as Oikawa turns off the timer.

“Let’s get the brownies out and then we’ll get back to business” he says with a lopsided grin as you stand making you roll your eyes again, even tho your lips were turned up in a grin and your cheeks were warmer than ever.

After he places the brownies on the cooling rack he shakes off the oven mits to the counter and raises his hands towards you wiggling his fingers.

“let’s get back to business” he says and you start to chuckle before backing away slowly “hey hey wait where are you going?” He asks and you just wink with a giggle and turn, bolting from the room, his laughter following after you just before you hear him say “oh yeah” and start to actually run after you.

He’s on your heels as you reach the living room and his hands are on you by the couch, grabbing your waist and dragging you to the floor with him as he tickles your sides.

Your giggles fill the room as you try and swat him away “okay okay! I yield!” You’re saying and he stops his movements, pulling you back into his arms as he leans his back against the the couch.

“Back to business?” You ask and he laughs, his half hooded eyes looking at you like you’re the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen, and if you asked he would tell you honestly that yes, you are the most beautiful creature he’s ever seen.

“Yes please” he says and cups your cheeks as you lean in, pressing your lips to his once more.

Later that evening, with your head on his chest as you watched a movie cuddled up with him and stealing kisses whenever the boring parts came up, he leaned down to your ear and whispered, his voice soft and full of hope for the future

“I know we havent talked about what this is yet, that it’s day one and I’m definitely getting ahead of myself” he kisses your temple then sighs in contentment and says

“but maybe it’s a good thing your roommate moved out. Maybe it’s a good thing there’s a place for me here.”

[infinitebells]

idk if requests for moriarty the patriot are still open but if they are m-may i ask for a nsfw scenario with william as a dom? sjsj i havent seen a lot of nsfw content of him lol. thank uu so much and have a great day!♡

yesss i love me some dom william. i hope you also have a great day :))

“come on love, what do we say for acting bratty?” his tone was low, dangerous. he reserved it for when you were acting like a downright brat. this time, you had attempted to jerk him off beneath the table at lunch, which everyone had noticed quite easily. after dragging you out of the kitchen, seething, he had restrained your arms tightly with one of his ties, and halfway done with spanking you. one for each minute you had acted up. today was 15 hits.

“i-i’m sorry sir,” your voice was meek, all of your energy going into keeping yourself from gushing all across william’s clothed thighs. god forbid you dirtied his suit before he let you.

“good girl. maybe if you’re good for your next few hits, you’ll finish punishment. can you do that? or are you going to keep acting like a bratty little girl instead?” his words were an obvious challenge. you knew how heavy handed he could be, but it only served to turn you on more. if you pushed your limits too far though, there was a good chance he’d leave you high and dry without cumming.

“i’ll be your good girl sir,” you spoke with more confidence this time, raising your hips and ass up so he had a better angle. he couldn’t hold back his chuckle at your eager submission taking over. he knew your bratty acts never lasted long, especially with the promise of you cumming hanging over your head like bait. his hand lands on your ass three more times, red patches blooming along your skin. each time elicits a cry of his name from your lips, your hands fisting in the sheets to keep them from flying to rub your painfully swollen clit.

“i’m done, so why don’t you be my good little girl and lay back on the bed hm?” he gently lifts you off his lap and onto the bed, your tied hands resting in your naked lap. you nod eagerly, shifting back and lifting your arms to rest above your head, legs spreading on their own. you used to embarrassed at the idea of completely exposing yourself to william, but you’ve long since grown out of it. instead, you eagerly watch as he rids himself of his clothes, his cock hitting hot and heavy against his abdomen. he crawls over you, slow and teasing. his usual smirk is present on his face as he reaches down, grabbing the base of his dick and rubbing it gently against your folds. your breath comes out heavier at the sensation, knowing part of his punishment meant fucking you with no prep. you were sure you wouldn’t need it anyways considering how thoroughly soaked you were. he brought the tip of his cock to tap against your clit, your thighs seizing at the sensation.

“please sir, can i please have your cock?” you know exactly what to say at this point, knowing which exact words will encourage him to fuck you stupid.

“only because you asked so nicely. i’ll fuck the last of that bratty attitude out of you right here right now,” he finishes by sheathing all of himself into you with one fell swoop. your breath hitches in your throat, cunt clamping down on him as the stretch and burn of his cock floods your senses. you’re sure you’re seconds away from cumming, but refuse to give in until william gives you permission. you learned the hard way that cumming without his permission meant not cumming for the rest of the week.

“s-sir you feel s-so good,” your stutter is involuntary as he slowly pulls himself out up until the tip of his cock before slamming his hips back into yours. you cry out at the feeling, the pain mixing with the pleasure, sending you into a state of euphoria.

“aw, does my little brat like when i fuck her without prepping her first? how slutty,” he growls out, his pace leveling out. it’s hard and fast, angling his hips down in order to brush against that one nerve-filled spot inside of you.

“fuck!” you slip up, the curse word falling out before you can stop it. his usually light, ruby red eyes darken until they’re maroon, one hand coming up to envelop your throat.

“naughty little girls don’t get to curse around me. do you want to cum? or should i just leave you on the edge?” he knew from the start that your orgasm was moments away from barreling over, but he also knew you knew better than to cum without his permission. you nod to the best of your abilities, the entirety of your self control going into holding your orgasm back.

“use your words,” his voice is lower than before, and he can feel you gulp beneath his tight grip on your throat.

“i want to cum sir,” you say, voice wobbly. he grins wolfishly down at you, squeezing your neck momentarily before releasing his grip.

“then don’t use such vile words,” it’s his last warning, the finality of it seeping into your fucked out brain. you nod more vigorously this time, whines slipping out of your mouth.

“yes sir,” you’re more firm with your words, conveying your understanding of his order. he’s quiet once again, focusing back on drilling his cock in and out of your gushing cunt. he can tell you’re a hair away from losing yourself on his cock, and he can feel his own orgasm creep up on him.

“i’m close darling, can you hold on until i cum? or will you keep acting bratty?” his patience with your actions is wearing thin, and he wonders if you’ll actually be competent enough to follow such a simple order.

“i can hold on sir,” he’s pleased with your words, picking up his speed and banging his hips into yours. the squelching sound of your soaked pussy only fuels him to go faster, and your moans only grow louder the faster he goes. his orgasm is rushing towards him at full speed, and he has barely enough time to give you your final order.

“cum for me love,” your fucked out brain immediately responds to his commanding tone, the string snapping as you squirt around him with a choked scream. his cum shoots out in hot, thick ropes, painting your walls white. he fucks some of it back into you before stilling, pulling out and letting his cock soften once again. he grabs a towel from the side of the bed, softly wiping the mixture of your cum off of his stomach and your thighs. you’re floating in bliss, barely registering his actions.

“darling, are you with me?” his voice pulls you out of your reverie, and your eyes slowly find his.

“‘m good will,” your grin is lazy, but it’s a sign that he wasn’t too hard. he sighs, throwing the towel off the bed and laying next to you, pulling the thick blankets over your naked bodies and pulling your back against his chest. his lips find your bare shoulder as he unties his homemade restraints, rubbing your wrists lightly and pulling one back to plant a kiss on it.

“you did so well for me darling,” he murmurs in your ear, and you giggle at the ticklish sensation.

“thank you love,” you force out, sleep just seconds away from pulling you down. the last thing you register is william’s grip on your waist tightening ever so slightly, keeping your body close to his as you succumb to sleep.

[beetleboo]

long post. one i’ve been trying to make for a while now. hell, i wrote this like... third week of may. didn’t post it until now because i didn’t know if I wanted to.

but something i want to lay out, been wanting to lay out for months. dont want to talk to anyone about it, just want to put the info out there for it to be seen.

if you re/blog this i will block you. i may put this on the relevant sideblog at some point.

because 2020 was the worst year on record for me for a number of reasons, and it’s torn me down to the lowest point i’ve been in a long time, and this is just. everything that’s gone down. not a callout post, no one gets named, but these are all the events

partially in relation to my fandom sideblog, because that’s where i had community, and where it’s all just. gone. doesnt exist anymore.

i started up a server, ages ago now. somewhere i curated to be a positive and safe space for things, and for a while, it was that.

around the end of 2019, spilling over to the start of 2020 when it picked up, i found, both on my blog and in discord spaces, in particular the server i ran, that people no longer talked to me. no one would hold a conversation with me past a few basic responses, no one replied to anything i shared, no one engaged when i tried to start discussions. so i pulled back from the main server - S1. thought it was just a lull in activity. stayed that way for weeks, months, and I just muted the server. no one ever cared about anything i had to say. was lucky if anything i posted got even a token emoji react

was in another, smaller server - S2. people i talked to damn near every day, even in voice. played games together - that became... no fun simply because everyone else was so much better/further ahead in the game. i was completely useless, so didn’t server a function in game and never really felt like anyone actively wanted me around, but i still participated in chat.

but again, no one ever responded to anything I posted beyond maybe a token react

couple people discussing something one day. I contributed with Theory A, and quite immediately got that shut down. few minutes later, they rephrased exactly what I said and happily nattered away. so whatever I said wasn’t worth it when it came out of my mouth but if they talked about it, it was all well and valid. so again, between that specific experience and no one interacting with me, nor anything I post. server muted. treatment taught me no one cared about my presence there.

gave admin rights to S1, my server, to someone I trusted. two requests only: dont delete channels and let me know if you want to invite anyone (since I kept it private)

RYE (i’m just assigning random three letter names to people to keep this straight) posted public invites several times. never asked me. one of the two things i asked. brought it up with them that it bothered me, just got vague noncomittal responses. more public invites. eventually, after having the server muted for months, i handed over full control and left. that was almost a full year ago. none of the people have talked to me in that entire year, through discord or here or anything.

except RYE who sent me a message after a couple months like ‘wow i havent heard from you in a while hope you’re doing ok’. i wasn’t. after a bit but still the same day, i said as much. that i wasn’t doing well. they never responded. and i don’t mean like, they didn’t respond that day. i mean i literally never heard from them until months later when they sent me a meme and also didn’t respond to me commenting on that meme.

and this is one side of things. all of the above was the first half of the year. this next bit happened about. march2020? I was in another server - S3. another place that was a good space at the time. was in voice chat with two other people. started talking about one thing. MIN very suddenly said something along the lines of ‘i don’t care about this i’ll come back when you’re done’

this is one of the very few things that can trigger me - i’ve had a lot of people talk down to me if I dare look excited about anything. when they came back, i asked if they could try to just. depart conversations more softly. MIN always said ‘if i do anything hurtful to you just tell me! i dont want to do that kind of thing!’

this was clearly a lie as they exploded on me, telling me they always have to walk on eggshells around me, that I ask so many things from them. before what I asked them that day, I can only recall one other thing i asked (which was not to talk about a person who was abusive towards me, and they were like ‘yea sure np’ about that, over a year prior’)

the whole thing turned into basically me having to shut down the fact that i was hurt by what they did, had to ignore that now and i had to fawn and placate them and the only thing i got out of that was that my feelings were irrelevant, only theirs.

(incidentally, I have had two other people turn on me in similar ways, accusing me of doing shifty/bad/terrible things, and not being willing to tell me what they are when I ask, only saying that ‘i should know what i did’ so that’s also now a Fun New Bit Of Trauma.)

and that entire weeklong event lead me straight to a breakdown. literal genuine breakdown i cannot convey how devastating that entire scenario was without going into far too many details.

so between all of these things happening in less than six months, with three different community spaces folding and collapsing and fading away from me, with many of the friends i thought i had just. moving on to other things and dropping me. people i talked to every day just not bothering with me anymore. they all have gone on to other stuff and no one ever went ‘hey beets wanna see what i’m up to’ or ‘wanna do this thing with me’

a handful of instances of me saying ‘yeah i’m dealing with these fears that have been reinforced lately that people aren’t safe to deal with, even thought part of me knows they’re probably irrational it feels like i have evidence to back it up’ and people immediately take it personally like i’m saying they’re not safe. despite. me outright saying. i know logically it should be irrational. but their reactions just reinforce it so it’s just a loop and tells me, again, never to bring up any of my problems with anyone.

so this all just reinforces that there’s something wrong with me. couple years back i spoke to a friend and how i was frustrated that I seemed to end up in bad spaces and they said ‘well you’re the one thing in common so its probably your fault’ and obviously they’re not my friend anymore but that has affected me so deeply. i can’t do anything without overthinking, whenever anything goes wrong i tear apart everything i’ve done and everything i’ve said or thought and i don’t know why things keep going bad. i try so hard but i’m just. not right.

so it all teaches me that there’s no point in reaching out in trying to talk to people because if i say ‘hey this hurt me’ i get ignored at best or torn down, yelled at, scolded. no point in trying to talk to new people because everyone just walks away at some point. not even a natural drift apart, i can handle that. but just very suddenly, they’re gone, off with better people doing better things.

roundabout, ties back to ‘consumption versus community’ - this is why i’ve been struggling so hard with lack of engagement on my sideblog. lucky to get a dozen notes on anything i make, unless it’s something other people can use (like mods) and even THEN it’s rare to see much activity. and that was FINE because i had people to talk to elsewhere, who would ask questions and we could back and forth and i shared my stuff and they shared those and it didnt matter if my posts only got a dozen notes because i had friends to talk to.

now i get (example) seven notes, six of which are likes and one is a reblog with no commentary. when i have something with a ton of notes, still, minimal commentary, no one talks to me. even on a mod with five hundred notes it just feels like i went ‘hey i made something :)’ and everyone picked it up and walked away with it, no one went ‘hey this is cool i want to talk to the person who made it.’

and it just feels like 95% of the time, i’m just overlooked. 

and it’s worse than it’s ever been in my entire life, and I wonder, what’s the point of any of this anymore.

why bother to make the posts to share when it all just gets passed by. what’s the point in trying to reach out to new people and make friends when i get lashed out at or left behind? the social is gone out of my social media. i had community, and now it’s gone.

so this has all been going on for months and months and months and hey! suffering. and i dont expect it to get any better, don’t expect this post to fix these issues, but i’ve been trying to say something about all of this for fucking months and i think just, laying it all out is all I can do about it. i’m sure i’ve forgotten some things to touch on but as it is, all these events, all of it happening all together. new traumas, old traumas reawoken, reinforced, i’ve been torn to pieces i don’t know how to function, i can’t remember the last time i felt like even half a real person. taught that the safe, positive spaces that meant so much to me don’t actually exist and they’ll all turn on me and be torn away. nowhere is safe anymore, and trying to make it safe is just going to ruin me again.

people aren’t safe, places aren’t safe, been proven to me time and time again so i just. stay away.

no matter how much i try to fight that, it just doesnt work.

anyway tl;dr beets needs therapy probably