#we have our realities affected quite deeply by fiction

[awritersrejections]

THIS — and also, with the power of media literacy and critical thinking, this can be true at the same time that we can be annoyed about <insert any female character> being objectified in <insert any Marvel film>.

This is not saying to never be critical of the creators of art based on that art.

This is saying that the actions/stances/etc taken by characters or even by the narrative in art do not, in and of themselves, reflect the morality or intentions of the creators of that art. Look at context. Look at intention. That sort of stuff does matter.

For instance, it is, in my opinion, fully justified to be mad at the showrunners of copaganda shows. They are putting out content that meaningfully harms people, as propaganda often does. When deciding if you think a piece of art says bad things about the person who created it, ask yourself exactly who that art has hurt. If the answer is "me, because I was made uncomfortable when I scrolled past it," then the answer is actually "no one," because it is not some random artist's responsibility to keep you comfortable.

I add this because I've seen the counterargument of "oh, so fiction never affects reality?!!?!?" made to posts like this. Often times that's bad faith purity policing, but sometimes it's earnest, so I thought it'd be worth addressing.

I really think everyone needs to truly internalize this:

Fictional characters are objects.

They are not people. You cannot "objectify" them, because they have no personhood to be deprived of. They have no humanity to be erased. You cannot "disrespect" them, because they are not real.

[dorsey-divine]

(This is an artistic exercise, corrections on precise theology or correct theological interpretation- re: the bible is not always literal- are not welcome or needed, but your own theological fascinations/brain worms are most certainly wanted and welcome.)

I was raised catholic, and that deeply affects my art and the way I perceive other's art. Because of this I think about divinity, its nature, its place in the world, angels, and the nature of free will in the Bible quite often. Specifically how for several major characters (yes, characters, the bible is a book that at best is a heavy fictionalized version of certain real events and people) free will doesn't truly exist.

Did Lucifer really have a choice? Was his rebellion from God his own will or was it part of God's plan for the world? The structure of Christianity (and most Abrahamic faiths) requires God to have an enemy, a corrupter of His perfect design, so that the terrible actions of others can be justified under the worldview of the faith. God is omniscient, He knew that Lucifer would rebel and be cast down, and He needed that to happen so there would be an enemy deity, someone to blame. Was Lucifer meant to rebel? And God is all-powerful, he could destroy Lucifer, but he doesn't. So that he can continue to be the enemy and corrupt humanity? So God is never to blame?

Did Eve disobey God when she ate the fruit of knowledge, or was that still God's own plan? Why was the tree even in the garden in the first place? There's a whole world outside Eden. How did the snake enter the garden at all, if its purpose was to tempt? Surely a loving god would protect their creations from something that could harm them. Did God allow the snake in to test Eve, did He put it in the garden on purpose? Did He set humanity up to fail so that we would worship His greatness forever, always beneath Him? Groveling for his forgiveness and light from our first breath? For Christian doctrine to work humanity needs to be unclean, and for us to be unclean there must be an impetus. Did Eve truly disobey, or was the command not to eat the fruit a façade to cover up God's true intention? If He created everything, then He created sin. And why does Eve's sin taint us all? Why must we be at fault for sins not our own? Were they sins at all?

Mary was born without original sin in her soul because she was always meant to be the mother of God. Always. Gabriel came down from Heaven to ask her if it was what she wanted, but she was already chosen, her 'yes' meant nothing more than her 'no' would've. Could she have said no at all? The narrative is controlled by men, how can we know if her words are her own? What chance does the will of a teenage girl have against the Almighty God? The author of reality. And God could remove Eve's actions from all of us, but He doesn't, why? How can a loving God make that decree? How can a loving God give a mother her child and plan to take them away? How can he kill a child before their parents?

Judas is like Lucifer. Jesus Christ must be crucified in order for Him to take on and cleanse the sins of humanity, and to be crucified He must be betrayed. Jesus knows Judas will betray Him, he knew all along, for the Father and the Son are one in the same. Did Judas ever truly have a choice to follow Christ's teachings, or was his path already chosen for him, and was he forced along the road by fate's invisible hand? Did Jesus ever try to stray his friend from that path? Did Christ's infinite love fall short for Judas? In the face of the 'grand plan'? Did God lead him into sin and eternal damnation for the 'greater good' of humanity? Was he always meant to be the sacrificial lamb? Who truly died for humanity then? Jesus rose after three days and resides in paradise, but Judas remains in Hell forever because of the God he was meant to put faith in.

Did any of them have free will, or were they just playing their assigned parts? Like marionettes on strings, dancing and singing to a tune that is meant to look like one of their own creations. Were their lives forfeit for God to place himself on a cosmic throne? Are ours?

[ashe-dreamthief]

brainstorming rambling:

i've been struggling to understand what direction i want to take my game in. lately my visions have been far and few (perhaps due to different meds, idk) but last night i experienced an intense vision. it was not pleasant, but it is what i *needed* to see. so i have decided to build my hypersigil into my game project.

at the very beginning, my game was going to be a yume nikki fangame, but that is extremely limiting and leaves me directionless. the new direction of my game will be the implementation of this magical circuit. the goal will be for the player to help Eira (the character) in the act of casting a spell.

i've been reworking certain graphics & etc because i want to move away from the "yume nikki" look, but i have my goal in place now.

Eira will keep her basic design traits & everything, but i am going to go all-in on the alchemical & astronomical symbology on her (purple) hood. these changes will be too small to incorporate in a game sprite, which is intentional as i plan on keeping her basic design as the main representation.

as for this "new" hypersigil, there will be 10 aspects i will invoke, this will likely be:

red - the shared experience of despair/agony/pain/hunger, the extreme intensity of emotions and how much damage this can have on the human soul. but this pain is helpful, it is a base feeling that connects all life, we are united in our suffering and thus band together.

fire salamander - deeply personal reasons, that is all i am willing to say now.

°

blue/sapphire - reality as it is, the placidity of the world around us. the world as it is, as it will be, as it was, as it never will be....all at the same time. think of a lifeless ocean teeming with life.

kelpie - i don't have much to add for invoking the kelpie. this kelpie will be represented as a seafoam colored horse with a horn, covered in shells, sea life, & etc. kelpies aren't necessarily associated with these concepts, but i am the one crafting this spell and i have decided.

°

silver (i'm not sure on the color yet, i've been struggling to visualize it exactly, but i am on the right track) - the celestial sophia, the accumulation of knowledge itself. knowledge is not action, knowledge is not belief, knowledge is not drive nor reason nor purpose, knowledge simply is.

the owl - in some legends, the keeper of knowledge. in some stories, they're protectors. in others, they are creatures of death. this owl i invoke will be inspired by the spirit of my aunt and how she painted owls

°

white- stillness, perfection, the pleroma, keter, the monad, the unholy divine. the most despicable crime in all existence. i have seen the face of the god machine and is it is not to be glorified. one can use the same structure of the god machine to build their own gods, a path where one begins to find true power.

the seraph/hashmallim - idk quite how i want to represent it, whether i go with 6 wings or 12 (or another number (i might have to do some more studying on gematria)). it will still be animal-like in appearance. perhaps phoenix-like.

the eyes on the hood remain closed.

ALTERNATIVELY: the antelope. i really like the idea and drafts, so i am leaning more towards scrapping the angel designs and doing an full antelope design

°

purple - binah. the innate magical workings of the universe. it is not "magic" as it is the machinations of altering the world to one's own whim, but from a human point of view, that is magic.

rabbit - rabbits are not traditionally associated with this, but the concept revealed itself to me as a purple rabbit. this is why Eira takes on the purple bunny hood.

°

yellow - the shared human experience of passion/drive. godforms and egregores thrive off this energy as yellow is the living aspect of the human imagination. fiction affects reality which affects fiction, fiction does not exist, there is no such thing as causality.

the wind & sky falcon (sparrowhawk) - an entity i have had a few "discussions" with. this is something i cannot verbalize yet. main yellow design in the eyes.

°

rose - connection, the action of becoming one with others, irregardless of quantity.

daoine sith/fae - still conceptualizing this one, haven't drawn any design drafts yet. ideas include the otter-dog, the puca (probably not, already using a couple rabbit designs), winged cat, lynx, carbuncle,

°

green - the very aspect of life itself, the unstoppable force of evolution. a force that cannot be stopped by any means whatsoever. a careless beast that brings about all life but also extinguishes life to incentivize more life. intergalactic wars have raged and will rage all to force the continual "perfection" of the living.

the dragon - specifically i will likely be invoking the plumed serpent.

°

void - the void. the husks. the qliphoth. i can not explain such a concept in so few words. the light created is so blinding that it appears as a void. the center of a unseeable luminous ring that outwardly shines all light.

the shedim - i once made a promise not to invoke these forces, but i will be breaking this promise. sorry ~Mar, but you left me to discover for myself and i have found an alternative path, you will not be "saving my soul", i have already damned myself. perhaps we may meet again someday.

so i shall be invoking the "void bunny" - Eira dismantled her very existence in order to take on and embody these aspects. but the act of dismantling one's very own self means the erasure of everything, past, present, future, what could be, what couldn't be, what never is, and what always is. from this totality of void, Eira had to grasp the lights and build her body, soul, and mind. she is the bunny's shade, a body to carry out her will, to embody all and also embody nothing. her first act was to wrap herself in the garb of the purple light and become once more.

°

light/kaleido - the cosmic dragon of light, maya, da'at with the husks, the dream itself. a combined aspect of all. on its own, it simply exists. but with a grasp upon it, one can alter the very fabric of every reality that ever was, will be, and never is. but those who reach the state of being able to do so, evolve into beings that need not alter the nature of all things, they can simply step outside. an ultimate nirvana

chalkydri/al-mi'raj/the rainbow "serpent"/an entity sharing many different forms. the aspect i invoke shall be the vestage of the winged jackalope. i will not explain my reasons

[illicit-indulgences]

Power and its Illusory Intricacies

It is strikingly evident that every individual possesses certain fictional imaginative characters they call superheroes, the ones capable of achieving the impossible. When it comes to superpowers, the horizons of our minds shift and widen as they beautifully design the intricacies of supernatural powers that only exist in our minds.

 An abyss so endless, it has no depth, no assurance of existence and identity, one you can lose yourself in. 

It is quite heartbreaking once we realize the fiction entwined in it all. Powers of the elements of nature, of speed, agility, wisdom and hypnosis toss us into the dark recesses of our minds where we secretly yearn to be capable enough to unleash hidden powers that could save worlds, destroy civilizations and rebuild history.

 If I had a superpower, I would choose to harness the power of mind compulsion. The bone-chilling liberty of being able to do as I please without repercussions of course, would have my blood coursing through my veins with a sense of bold urgency I couldn’t comprehend.

Toying with the mere idea of not being weighed down by the chains of space and time has my pulse racing and my breath seem like a lost train I can never catch.

The world would lie at my feet. I’d have the power of the universe in its entirety in my bare inexperienced hands. No one could touch me. As an artist weaving bejewelled tapestry, I’d stitch the past and future, far and near as I pleased.

The power of creation and destruction, the good and the bad, truth and lies- all at my feet. Fretting wouldn’t be a word in my books. You see, why fret when everything happens exactly according to plan? Why worry when I’ve got the strings of the world’s mind entwined around my fingers? Ah I must say, humanity would turn into mindless zombies in the end.

All this would have my life spiralling beautifully out of control. It’s quite contradictory however. As I gain control of the world, I dramatically lose control over my identity. 

Light is nothing but the absence of darkness; happiness, the absence of melancholy and pleasure, the absence of pain. There can’t be goodness without evil.

Every soul interconnected with my own would be deeply affected by the after-effects of this heart-rending disaster. The ones I call my own would feel the same gut-wrenching pain of my repercussions. 

Control.  Control is what I’d need. The only way I’d be able to escape the lifeless cage of stark loneliness, wearing the heavy lead-embossed crown of regret, is to tame my far-fetched desires, slowly metamorphosing the flame of my craving into ashes. Conditioning my senses to listen and obey me would be inevitable if I wanted to make the world a better place. I’d have to show my mind its master. I’d have to use inception. Quite funny isn’t it? I’d be spelling myself, compelling my own mind to submit to the true lord.

The moment I regain true control, I’d go on to coax the earth to be a tad kinder to her ungrateful citizens. Pollution, crime and judgment would be nothing but rubble of the past upon which new foundation stones of acceptance, equity and change are laid.

The little seeds of life I bury into the earth would then soon evolve into massive forests responsible for radical transformation of our vitality.

In the end, there are still so many unknowns, underlying variables that prevent me from comprehending the horizons of the limits of my superpower. Why would only reality invite these limits? My imagination doesn’t have any such invisible restraints now does it?

The power of imagination is closely linked with creation. We’d all be skilled architects of dreams unimaginable. Dream for the skies.  We’ve all got superpowers hidden deep inside our souls, the very essence of our breath and life-force.

Break the unchartered chains of restriction that society has impressed upon you, surpass all expectations and dream.

[asomethingintraining]

I had a thought today - the seriousness of what is before me is quite clear. The effects of the unresolved situation are manifesting themselves with regularity. The path forward, in many ways, is very straightforward. Knuckle down, complete these tasks, and cross this bridge. And yet? I dither, I procrastinate, I act in illogical ways inconsistent with my understanding and self. Why do I not wish to rid myself of what afflicts me? Why am I so afraid? Why do I not want what is good for myself?

Want. What do I want? I’ve thought to myself many times since 2019, that I understand very well why young people are easily radicalized or led astray. It’s a time of uncertainty about yourself and the world. If someone were to come in front of you at your worst moment and offer a simple escape to all of your problems, a rigid ideology packed with solutions, many would take it. I also thought, this morning, as I drove along a series of familiar highways, that had I not had the expectations and responsibilities that I do, I may have been a more daring person. There is a side of me that sometimes wishes to disappear and be something or someone totally different.

And yet, I wonder, if I really would be that different. Over these past few years, I’ve become better acquainted with myself. I like beautiful and elegant things, especially when it comes to technology, but I don’t think I am passionate about them. It makes me happy to take care of what I have. I delight in the company of my friends and the discussions we have. I find such pleasure in an exchange of wits and knowledge, that ultimately gives way to understanding. I’ve come to find that conversation revolving around internal affairs is most enjoyable with those who have a curiosity and interest in external ones. And yet that is not enough to wholly satiate me. I long for love, companionship, to be treated gently and with care, and yet I do not think that that alone would complete me. I similarly love my family, but I need more. I love and care deeply about people but I also enjoy time alone. I like reading quality writing, fiction or nonfiction, though I have a special affection for fiction. I like that you can dream, that you can draw inspiration from different, superficially unrelated ideas, that you can tweak the parameters of reality and explore ideas and the human experience with depth. And yet…

The Gita tells us that humans are meant to be active; that inactivity itself is a form of activity. I am meant to work, to uphold my dharma, which I think was probably foretold many years ago. So why am I filled with anxiety and consternation? Why am I afraid to act?

Is it lack of belief in the value of my efforts? Maybe. I feel like a fraud more often than not and am difficult to impress. I think I could’ve done more and better had things been different. Or maybe I couldn’t have. After all, I am working on a hard problem with limited data. I probably could’ve understood more, for sure. Nothing in sciences moves alone.

I have been very heavily influenced by a book I read recently, which made some insightful points about humans being defined by our temporality and the fact that the entities to which we offer our attention tend to define ourselves and our existence. In a way, this sort of feels like putting the ball back in my court. I have to live this moment and give it meaning.

So far what appeals to me most as a candidate for meaning is the meaning of the process itself. I recently read an article in the New Yorker that described a truly heartwarming relationship between nuns and female inmates condemned to capital imprisonment. These nuns live simple lives that are resolute with meaning, as do the characters in the book I am re-reading, and many other truly spiritual people, I suppose.

My mentor had reminded me that the purpose of this phase is to get experience doing science, that my work doesn’t have to be perfect to be useful or interesting. And I think he understands me well, because I want to do well. When I do things, I won’t rest until I think it has been truly well done. But the best things are not done in a matter of months, or even a few years. They take time. And there is meaning in this process, to this steady growth. And I think I should honour that.

[chrinopiqua]

Hacking Night City vs. Hacking the Real World: A Cyberpunk 2077 and DOGE Team Comparison

In the realm of video games, "Cyberpunk 2077" has captivated players with its immersive, dystopian universe where hacking is not just a skill but a way of life. The game's protagonist, V, navigates through Night City, a metropolis where technology is both liberation and oppression, and where hacking into corporate systems can mean the difference between life and death. But how does this fictional world compare to the real-life scenario unfolding with Elon Musk's DOGE team?

Recent reports have painted a startling picture of Musk's Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE), a group of tech-savvy individuals purportedly tasked with streamlining federal operations under the Trump administration. According to news sources like NPR and Reuters, DOGE has been given unprecedented access to sensitive government systems, including those at the Treasury Department and the Office of Personnel Management (OPM). This access has raised eyebrows and sparked debates about privacy, security, and the ethics of government operations.

Cyberpunk 2077's Hacking vs. DOGE's Real-World Access:

Fiction vs. Reality: In "Cyberpunk 2077," hacking is a gameplay mechanic used to manipulate the environment, from controlling cameras to disabling security systems. The DOGE team, on the other hand, has reportedly accessed systems that manage trillions in federal funds and personal data of government employees, bringing the concept of hacking into a real-world context that affects millions.

Ethics and Intent: The game's narrative often explores the moral ambiguity of hacking, where actions can lead to either corporate downfall or personal gain. In contrast, the DOGE team's activities, as reported, appear aimed at cutting government waste but have sparked concerns over accountability and potential misuse of power. Critics, including Senator Ron Wyden, have voiced worries about the implications of such access on national security and privacy.

Technological Implications: "Cyberpunk 2077" showcases a future where technology is deeply integrated into human life, with cybernetic enhancements and AI. The DOGE team's work suggests a contemporary echo of this, albeit with less invasive tech, focusing on digital systems and efficiency. However, both scenarios highlight the tension between technological advancement and control.

Public Reaction: Just as "Cyberpunk 2077" players react to in-game corporate overreach, the public's response to DOGE's actions has been mixed. While some see it as a necessary shake-up of bureaucratic inefficiencies, others are alarmed by the potential for abuse, drawing parallels to the game's themes of corporate and governmental overreach.

Potential Outcomes: In the game, hacking can lead to various endings, some liberating, others quite dystopian. Similarly, the real-world outcomes of DOGE's involvement in government systems remain uncertain. Will it lead to a more efficient government, or could it pave the way for vulnerabilities in a system meant to protect and serve?

As we navigate this real-world scenario, it's clear that the line between the dystopian future of "Cyberpunk 2077" and our current reality is blurring. Both narratives raise questions about control, privacy, and the ethics of hacking, whether it's done by a fictional character in Night City or by a team of real-life tech experts within the halls of power. The implications of these actions, in both contexts, will be a topic of discussion for years to come, reflecting our collective anxiety and fascination with the power of technology in shaping society.

[teeny-tiny-revenge]

Yes to all of prev's points, and also: Even if Stede chose Ed over his lifelong dream of pirating (which I agree absolutely isn't the message, it wasn't about piracy, it was about Stede seeking a way to be himself, but let's entertain the idea as a thought experiment for a moment please), would that necessarily be bad?

I mean, people in real life might choose their partner over a job. This is something that happens, and it doesn't even happen rarely, and it's not by itself harmful or toxic. Life is full of choices. And when faced with taking a good job offer abroad or staying with your partner and finding a different job, choosing the partner is not an uncommon and not a bad choice! It's just a job after all! (And OFMD is kinda a workplace comedy too.)

The truth about life is that you can't have everything, because some things are mutually exclusive. This is a morally neutral statement. You cannot be in two places at once, and often one big or small life decision means a different one is no longer available to you. This is not bad, it's just reality. If we imagine a hypothetical person whose lifelong dream it was to, say, sail around the world for a year, but before they set out they become a parent, and they like being a parent, our hypothetical person has to choose to either go on their sailing trip and miss seeing their child grow during that time, or they miss on fulfilling the sailing dream, but get to watch baby's first steps. A lot of people would probably argue, in this case, that going on the trip is selfish and bad. So where's the line? Where does "giving up a dream for someone else you have some sort of relationship with" go from being bad to being the morally right choice? Is it right to give up a dream for a child but not a partner? A partner but not a friend? A family member but not a pet? Who the fuck thinks they have the right to draw this line for other people, when in reality any choice is a deeply personal, individual thing? When pressed, people often choose partners, family or friends over isolated self-actualisation because relationships are important to our wellbeing. We are social creatures. Sometimes a dream doesn't mean much if you are in it alone.

Also, sometimes life just happens at you and you realise the new thing is even better than your previous dream/plan. Maybe being a parent is better than being an around the world sailor, it just wasn't on your card before. Maybe you never imagined having a pet, but then a cat adopts you and you realise you love it. Maybe you thought you really wanted to be a cool pirate, but you realise you'd rather spend peaceful time with the love of your life. Life is weird! Plans change and that's good and normal!

(Tangent: as an aro-spec ace observer of the many morals imposed on romantic relationships by society, it seems deeply perplexing that the opinions "prioritising a partner before an individual exploit that "gets you ahead in life" like a carreer or travelling is bad" and "finding romance and being partnered up is the main goal in life" coexist as they do.)

Anyway, stories explore topics that affect people in real life by means of making up fictional people and giving them common problems. Problems such as "I am finally getting ahead in this career I thought was cool, but my partner is quitting this job because he's been doing it all his life and the stress is killing him". Or, from the other perspective, "after a severe mental health crisis I have decided to finally quit the job I hate so I can build a peaceful stress-free life for myself, but oh no my partner who has just started in the business is really excited about it, will he choose the career over staying with me". This is a conflict similar to conflicts real people face, and OFMD explores it in its romance plot, along with other relationship themes and exploring the individual characters' insecurities and baggage. Which is something completely normal for a romantic comedy to do.

It is also a completely normal thing for the romantic comedy, which is about the relationship of these characters, and that, going with typical genre themes, will have a happy ending where the main couple gets together, to in fact make the protagonists choose each other. To imply Stede, the protagonist in a romance, should choose something that isn't the love interest as his end game choice, is a complete misunderstanding of the genre and its themes.

One fairly common criticism of OFMD S2 that drives me a bit bonkers is the idea that Stede gives up his dream of being a pirate (just as he's achieving success!) for Ed.

[echoes-lighthouse]

Proship vs. Anti (A Personal Manifesto)

I define the difference between ‘proship’ and ‘anti’ as basically being whether you can judge a person’s future actions by their taste in fiction, and I strongly believe that’s not true. 

Antis believe that consuming problematic media makes you more likely to do problematic things in the future (ie. incest fics will lead to irl incest, etc), whereas proshippers believe that most people can separate fiction/fantasy and reality, and understand that enjoying dark fiction doesn’t mean those things are ok in real life. 

I believe that kinks and fiction are all a matter of playacting, and are not an indicator of deeper desire. Participating in BDSM doesn’t make someone abusive if all parties are consenting. Selfshipping with an underage character doesn’t make someone attracted to real minors. 

So here’s the short version of my views on fictional limits! 

I support people shipping themselves with villains, including “irredeemable” ones

I support people shipping themselves with characters out of their age range, although I’m personally more comfortable with aging up or down the character or self-insert if there’s a minor/adult gap

I genuinely don’t care what fanfiction people write, but I am usually uncomfortable with bloggers who identify themselves as particularly attached to problematic tropes (ie. specifically seeking out incest ships over other ships)

I do support open conversation about problematic elements in media, but I don’t typically support the outright banning of fandoms (I’m more conflicted about problematic actors, artists, or youtubers with large followings, but it’s complicated)

I think it’s quite cute when people selfship with celebrities in their own head/notebooks (I know a lot of people have married celebrities in their daydreams), but I have more complicated feelings about posting publicly about selfships with real people, and I haven’t settled on one side or the other

I have strict limits on content that involves real people (videos of assault, explicit content of minors, and posts that encourage harm or provide ‘how to’ guides for sexual assault) and I WILL report any of that, because it is different from fictional content and causes active harm

I am deeply unsettled by positivity posts for problematic fancontent that actively paints it as ‘cute’ or ‘desirable’ but I also understand it comes from a place of reacting to fandom negativity? I’m conflicted on this. 

If you have questions about any of these, feel free to send an ask or a message: I’m very open to discussions in good faith and will do my best to explain myself! 

--

Why Am I Proship?

I grew up selfshipping with a lot of villains, and in those daydreams, our age gaps were often a large feature of my writing and fantasies. I was selfshipping with villains by age six, including creating self-insert fanfiction, but when I was eleven I gravitated towards Nolan’s Joker and really settled in. At the time, I didn’t know about online fandoms: I was an isolated autistic nerd who very much identified as a freak for my interests and the intensity of my obsessions.

I discovered fanfiction two years later, and was overjoyed.

I felt like I wasn’t so weird, and I wasn’t alone, and that there was a space for freaks like me.

In high school, my friends and I had friendly competitions to find the weirdest fics online: cannibalism and unusual kinks and intentionally shocking fics like ‘the [insert noun] fic’ were some of our standard fare, as we competed in teenaged fashion to weird each other out. When we didn’t have weird fics for niche fandoms, we would challenge each other to write them.

Shipping and fandom has never been about my real-life desires, to me: it’s escapism at its finest, into a multiverse of headcanons and fanfictions where nothing affects even the fictional characters for long, with everything shifting from one fanfiction to another. Major character deaths make me cry, and then they come back to life again: relationships build to marriage and then start again from scratch. A ship can be domestic perfection in one story, and a horrific game of manipulation in the next one.

There’s a multitude of reasons why someone might enjoy fanfiction that is triggering to someone else. In my own life, I take comfort in some very strange tropes, including kidnapping (how nice to not have to make any decisions anymore) to omegaverse (what a lovely world where biology makes other people so sensitive to my needs), which I’m aware are NOT real-life desires for myself.

It is genuinely appalling to me that people judge each other so harshly based on their taste in fanfiction and fandom content. I remember being in shipping wars as a teenager: yes, the Wincest shippers were freaks, but they were damn better than the squares who weren’t in fandom at all, and would make fun of all of us for reading fanfiction. And when my friends shipped Wincest, I teased them for being weird and then let them tease me about Hannigram a few years later.

Although I don’t identify 100% with the label proship (I am very concerned about the way that fiction reflects and reinforces our society’s shortcomings, especially with the way it reveals current misogyny, racism, ableism, and tendencies towards oversexualizing teenagers, among other things), I tend to be much more forgiving in fandom, which is mostly created by single people and their fantasies, rather than books and shows that are produced by companies, funded by companies, and designed for mass consumption.

[atths--twice]

Rumor Has It...

Going through my stories and I don’t think I’ve posted this here before. I honestly was not super aware of how to post stories here for the longest time. Anyway, even if I had, no reason not to post it again, eh? We could always use more fics to read, right? 

This story was written for the summer fanfic exchange last year. The prompt was this: “Something a la Gillovny Cutting Room party era rumors, but MSR.” Now... this was a little tricky, but I got the job done. : ) 

Hope you enjoy. : ) 

The basement in the J. Edgar Hoover building, was always subject to rumor and urban legend. Even when no one worked down there, nor had any desire to, it was still discussed. Boxes, old files, and copy machines were all that occupied the space for years, and yet stories were still told of it.

There were far too many dark corners where a person could meet for a rendezvous with another for there not to be rumors. No one ventured down there too often, so the space was perfect. The whispers that reached the ears of agents becoming a mixture of fact and fiction.

While time had changed some things, it had not changed everything. The copy machines were taken out, files cleared away, and boxes tossed as they became too weak and ripped when relocation was attempted. A small bathroom was added to the space, and a storage area was walled off to better confine, contain, and organize the  files, keeping them out of the open area and behind a locked door where they could no longer be easily rummaged through. People agreed it looked much better, but still it was not an area with heavy foot traffic or spoken of too often.

That is, until the day Fox “Spooky” Mulder took up residence down there. That was when the rumors really began. He was thought to be a crazy alien nut who liked the weird cases. Cases others would not touch. He was hardly seen wandering the halls. Instead, he immersed himself in his ideas and theories.

Fox Mulder was brilliant, and also quite handsome. Some women overlooked his “spookiness” and tried to get his attention. They flirted when they saw him and asked him about the cases he worked on, but none of them stuck around long. His answers were so long winded that those who asked often required a bread crumb trail to find their way back to reality.

No, for the majority of his time in the basement office, Mulder was considered weird and generally avoided by his colleagues who did not wish to be treated to a story about Sasquatch or aliens. The rumors about him were rampant, but for the most part, Mulder was left to his own devices.

That all changed the day he was assigned a new partner, Dana Scully. She was a fairly new agent, a medical doctor recruited to join the FBI as a forensic pathologist. Dana Scully had arrived with rumors of her own.

“Do you really think that’s her natural hair color?”

“Did you hear she dated Jack Willis? He’s so much older than her. I guess he likes them young.”

Perhaps one of the worst rumors, especially considering she did date Jack, was the name she acquired at the academy: The Ice Queen. She was rumored to turn down men and not “put out,”even after being wined and dined. She was also rumored to be a ball buster who was frigid because she did not date fellow agents. As if her dating life was a measure of who she was as a person.

Women who tried to get Mulder’s attention before Scully showed up, were envious and rude towards her, leaving her disinterested in forming relationships, even with colleagues her same age who had similar backgrounds. This only served to perpetuate the rumors circulated, but Scully did not let the rumors affect her, knowing it would make no difference if she tried to quell them or not. She was not one who required many friends, and she enjoyed her work. She kept her head down and worked, not worrying over relationships, hers or anyone else’s.

Not until early on a Tuesday morning, when a wild rumor flew resulting in them being called to Skinner’s office to answer some questions, did she give it much thought.

Sitting outside his office, waiting for Mulder to arrive, Scully clasped and unclasped her hands, breathing deeply. Closing her eyes, she put her head down, the call to come to Skinner’s office still ringing in her ear, his shout like an echo.

“Hey." She heard Mulder say quietly as he sat next to her on the couch. She opened her eyes and looked at him, watching him smooth down his tie as he smiled slightly at her. “So how angry is he?” He tilted his head toward the door and Scully shook her head.

“Agents? You can go in now,” said Arlene, Skinner’s secretary, with a slight smile. Scully sighed as she stood up and walked toward the door with Mulder following close behind her.

Entering the room, Skinner had his back to them, looking out the window. No one else was in the room, and Scully sighed again as she sat down, Mulder taking the seat beside her. He glanced at her, but she did not look at him, her eyes facing forward waiting for Skinner to turn around.

A few minutes passed before Mulder cleared his throat, and Skinner’s shoulders slumped before he turned around. He stared at both of them, his gaze holding on Scully’s as he breathed deeply.

“I take no pleasure in calling both of you in here to discuss the things that have come to my attention. I believe you know that Agent Scully, considering our phone call earlier,” Skinner said, his eyes burning into hers. She sighed and nodded slightly.

“Sir, I’m afraid I’m out of the loop. Agent Scully said you wanted to see us, but …” Mulder said in confusion, and Skinner sighed.

“Agent Mulder, I’m referring to some information that has reached my ears regarding this past weekend at the team building workshop. More to the point, after said workshop … in the ... hotel lounge area.”

Scully watched Mulder as Skinner spoke and saw his face change, his eyes unable to meet hers save for the quick flick her way. He lowered his head as he leaned forward and locked his fingers together.

“Sir, I’m still confused. As I told you earlier, I don’t remember much about that night. I … I had a couple of glasses of wine and …” she said, looking at Mulder before looking back at Skinner. “I didn’t … I know I wouldn’t get up on stage and sing. Much less play a tambourine …”

“Scully …” Mulder said in a whisper, his head shaking imperceptibly. She kept staring at him, and he finally glanced her way, nodding his head.

“What?” she asked, horrified.

“Sir, could we have-”

“Why don’t I-” Skinner said over Mulder, tilting his head towards the door as he made his exit, leaving the two of them alone.

Scully watched him leave and then turned back to Mulder, her eyebrows raised. “What the hell, Mulder?” she said quietly.

“Scully, it wasn’t just a couple of glasses of wine,” he sighed and stared at her.

“Maybe a mixed drink too, but, I wasn’t out of control. And, Jesus, if I was having fun whose business is it here? It was after the stupid workshop, on my own time,” she said, her anger rising. “I don’t need to be lectured like a child and be forced to apologize for my actions. I’m not going to sit here and listen to this,” she said, starting to stand only to be stopped by Mulder.

“I don’t believe that is why we're here today, Scully,” he quietly said as he held tight to her arm. “Half the people at the workshop were drinking and acting the fool, much worse than you.” She glared at him and angrily shrugged his hand off her arm. “I’m not implying you were acting like a fool, just stating how others were behaving,” he quickly added, smiling slightly.

“If that’s the case, then why the hell am I being singled out? Because I’m a woman? A woman who generally doesn’t “act a fool” as you say, and so I have to be made an example of for the men in the office? You know, this is the kind of bullshit that stops women from pursuing careers in these fields. This boys club mentality that exists and women never have a chance-”

“It’s because I punched Tom Colton for the things he said about you,” came Mulder’s raised voice, immediately silencing her. She stared at him in utter disbelief and he nodded his head.

“What?” she whispered. “Tom? I have no recollection of him being there. Not in any capacity.” She shook her head, and he sighed, rubbing a hand down his face.

“He wasn’t there in connection to the weekend, he was just … there. I saw him when I was at the bar waiting for our drinks, which were definitely not wine,” he sighed, looking down at his hands before looking at her. “Scully, you were standing on the stage and singing or attempting to, and someone did hand you a tambourine.” He stared at her, and she shook her head, to which he nodded, a small smile on his face.

“Mulder … I have no memory of that, not even a little …” she stopped as she suddenly did have a recollection of standing and shaking a tambourine, people singing and talking loudly, the room unbearably hot. “Oh my God, Mulder.” The door opened as she felt her cheeks flush, embarrassed beyond belief.

“Sir, we’ve come to an understanding and I want to apologize for what I did, and I will speak to Agent Colton and apologize to him as well as soon as we leave your office,” Mulder said, standing up as Skinner entered the room.

“Agent Colton?” Skinner asked, his face puzzled.

“Yes, Sir. Is this not about me punching Agent Colton in the face?”

“You did what, Agent Mulder?” Skinner shouted, his eyebrows shooting up.

“Uhhhh,” Mulder stammered and looked down at Scully for help, but she was still seated and had her hand partially covering her face.

“Agent Mulder, this meeting was about … things that were witnessed and heard outside of Agent Scully’s hotel room. And downstairs by the elevators beforehand,” Skinner said pointedly.

“The ... elevators? Oh ...” Mulder said and sat back down with a sigh, as Scully looked at him, confusion on her face.

Skinner sighed, sitting down behind his desk, and Scully looked between them, waiting for one of them to speak. “Mulder, why did you punch Agent Colton? Do I need to make a call?” Skinner finally asked quietly.

“I … uh, I don’t think so, if he hasn’t said anything?” Mulder said, not sounding entirely certain.

“What would make you punch him, Mulder?” Scully asked him and he looked at her, his eyes telling her she did not need to hear it. “Mulder?” He sighed and shook his head, but she continued staring at him, forcing him to speak.

“He made comments about you that were not becoming of one agent about another. I made myself known and told him to watch his words. He and his buddies seemed to think that was funny, and then he said something else … so I punched him. He deserved it, and I don’t regret it,” Mulder said to her with a glance at Skinner who sighed and shook his head.

“What did he say, Mulder?” she whispered.

“Scully,” he said with a shake of his head.

“I need to know.”

“You don’t,” he told her gently. “That guy is an asshole and that punch was a long time coming. I don’t regret it one bit, other than it took so long.” He smiled, and she stared at him, searching his face. She sighed and leaned back in her chair, her head down.

Skinner cleared his throat and she looked up. “That uh, it doesn’t cover why I called you both here as at least one of those things is not a problem.”

“Neither of them is a problem if you know Agent Colton,” Mulder murmured, and Scully shook her head.

Skinner sighed again and looked down at the desk. “There were a few agents who expressed concern over … actions they saw between the two of you.” He looked up, and Scully frowned at him, still not knowing what he meant. He looked at Mulder who nodded and shook his head, which caused Skinner to sigh once more. “Look, I know that … male/female partnerships are subject to scrutiny more so than traditional same sex partnerships, I do. Just … you two seem to attract more attention, and when I hear things from others …”  he sighed again, and Scully stood abruptly to her feet, finally realizing what they were talking about.

She looked at each of them, unable to speak, her anger and embarrassment too high. Turning around she walked out of the office, past Arlene and to the stairwell, not having any patience or desire to wait for the elevator to take her to the basement office.

Two flights down though, she stopped and sat on the steps, her head in her hands. The night was coming back to her now, tumbling through her brain, almost begging to be remembered.

The heat of the room and the feel of the tambourine in her hands, made her feel happy and giggly, definitely past tipsy but not completely drunk. A drink was handed to her, and she saw Mulder’s smile as he shook his head and stepped back into the crowd.

She drank it down quickly, the alcohol burning her throat and then her stomach, but making her feel braver and bolder. The song ended and the crowd cheered. She laughed and handed the tambourine to some woman next to her, her eyes searching for Mulder as she did.

Stumbling down the small stage, she felt a hand on her elbow and looked to see Mulder beside her, his smile huge. “You’re just full of surprises, Scully,” he said close to her ear as a new song started and everyone cheered again.  

As they came through the crowd of people, she turned to look at him, losing her footing resulting in his arms catching her before she fell. The closeness of him made her dizzy, more so than any alcohol. He smelled so good and she told him so, his eyes widening in response. She laughed and pulled on his tie, bringing him closer to her, and allowing her to smell him closer.

“Scully,” he breathed, his voice low and close to her ear.

“Mulder. God, you make me …” she said, her words drowned out as the crowd erupted again.

Her eyes flew open as she remembered what she said and the words burned like hot lava inside her, destroying everything in its path. How was she supposed to be around him now that she remembered what she said? She needed to leave and never come back, the words too embarrassing to live with, much less think of every day with his eyes watching her.

“Oh my God,” she said, her voice echoing in the empty stairwell, as she suddenly remembered it was more than simply the words she said to him. There had been … touching.

A lot of touching.

She stood up and continued hurriedly down the stairs, determined to grab her things and get out of the office before Mulder saw her. Pushing the door open she looked left and right, walking past shelves of boxes, trying not to be seen.

Unlocking their office door, she put her keys in her pocket and quickly went to grab her bag and her phone. Items secured, she reached for the doorknob as the door opened and there stood Mulder. He stared at her in surprise and then frowned when he saw her bag in her hand.

“Are you leaving?” he asked, closing the door behind him. She could not look at him, the words she said to him that night burning in her mind, teasing her tongue to tell him again.

“Mulder. God, you make me … so wet.”

“I … uh yeah … I forgot I have … um ...” she stammered and tried to step past him, but his hand on her wrist stopped her, forcing her eyes to meet his. Hazel and full of worry and concern, they were the same as that night …

The feel of his hands around her waist, his gasp of surprise at her words, his breath smelling of alcohol, made her knees weak as she stumbled into him. He tightened his grip before pulling back slightly to look at her. His eyes were open, and she felt she could see into his very soul if she looked long enough.

She wrapped his tie around her hand and tugged, bringing his mouth close to hers. Their breath intermingled as his fingers dug into her waist. Someone bumped her from behind, and she fell into his chest. His hard, muscular chest.

But that was not all that was hard.

He groaned and he pulled her closer, making her gasp. “Scully,” he breathed in her ear, and she shuddered against him. “I think … think we should head upstairs.” She nodded against his chest, and he pulled back to look at her. His eyes moved all over her face, and she smiled.

He turned her and led her out, walking behind her. Her pulse was racing. Every place he touched her felt like fire. One she never wanted to extinguish.

At the bank of elevators, he pushed the UP button and as he turned around, she grabbed the lapels of his jacket. She pulled hard until his mouth was on hers, and she kissed him. His hands went to her waist and then he was pulling her into the elevator, his mouth fuzed to hers. He pulled back, breathing hard, shaking his head.

“Mulder,” she moaned, reaching for his tie, but he stopped her, holding her hands between their bodies. The elevator dinged and the doors opened. He kept a hold on her hand and walked her down the hall.

At her door, she pulled him in for another kiss, falling against the door as he pushed into her, his tongue exploring her mouth. Her hands went to his hair, and she dug her nails into his neck, making him audibly groan.

He pulled back again, resting his forehead against hers. “Scully,” he whispered and she scraped her fingers along his neck, breathing hard. “Where is your room key?”

“Pocket, I think,” she said, her words feeling and sounding slurry even to her own ears. Mulder nodded and felt in her suit jacket pockets before he found it and opened her door.

She stumbled back, taking her shoes off as she walked inside the room, then trying to unbutton her jacket but her fingers did not cooperate. Forgetting about it, she stumbled to the bed and sat down. The room began to spin and she shook her head, before she fell back and remembered no more.

“I need to go, Mulder,” she said, barely above a whisper, and suppressing a sob. “Please … let me go.”

“You remember,” he said, a statement, not a question, and she nodded, her eyes downcast, embarrassment washing over her. “What do you remember?” Her head snapped up, and she found his eyes soft and understanding, not teasing and not judging.

“I remember …” she began, and he took the bag from her hand, setting it on the small desk, his eyes never leaving hers. “Uhhh …”

“Do you remember my hands being on your waist?” he asked as he put them there once again. “Do you remember how close you were to me? How it felt as though our very breath was mating?” She closed her eyes and leaned into him, whimpering quietly as she did. “Do you remember how my heart was racing? How my breath felt frozen in my chest because of your words, and the thoughts they created in my head?” He pulled her toward him, and she reached for his tie, realizing this was going to end way better than she thought it would when she had considered bolting out the door.

“Do … do you remember how your tie felt like silk when I touched it? How I wanted to run it over other parts of my body to see if it was as soft there, as it was in between my fingers?” she whispered, tugging his tie and making him moan her name. “Do you remember how the heat of the room made me want to strip all my clothes off, but I would have still been too hot, your touch making me ache? Do you remember that, Mulder?” She pulled back to look at him, her eyes seeking that he felt the same way she did, one hundred percent.

“I remember all of that, Scully,” he whispered. “I remember that and so much more.”

“Show me, Mulder,” she said, her fingers under his tie and seeking out the buttons on his shirt, pushing the first one she found through the buttonhole. One finger slid inside and scratched at the heated skin she found there. “Show me everything you remember.”

He stared at her for seconds that felt like forever, before he leaned in and kissed her, his lips just as soft as she remembered. His fingers gripped her waist and she wrapped her arms around his neck, his hair and skin as soft and warm as she remembered. He groaned in his throat as his tongue once again explored her mouth, as amazing and delicious as she remembered.

And once again, when she whispered in his ear the effect he had on her, his eyes widened, and he gasped, just as she remembered.

Yes, the basement office in the J. Edgar Hoover building, the one that was home to Fox Mulder and Dana Scully (although her name plate had been ordered, received, and lay in the desk drawer, the execution of it being hung up by either of them had failed) was known for being where odd things resided and strange theories were discussed. On that Tuesday morning, however, there was nothing odd about what was happening up against the wall, causing the doorknob to rattle, and moans to escalate to louder and louder decibels.

Times change, but places where memories have been made, especially the really good ones, the very walls themselves have a tendency to remember. In particular, the walls of a shared basement office, that was avoided by so many and thus created a rather private space for a tryst that had been waiting patiently for seven long years.

[cominguproses13x]

Today’s Thoughts:

I really really appreciate anyone who has shared what they think, be it anonymously or publicly. All opinions have helped, and I am going to try to find the time to respond to each one.

I just thought I’d clear some things up, because I was quite overwhelmed last night and chaotic.

I never considered changing the actual ending of the story. It is all written and it won’t be changed. I’m happy with it as a story.

If the story wasn’t already finished, I don’t think I would have found the motivation to finish it now. I am so fucking glad that the last sentence was written before this started.

The reason I am so hesitant about posting it all at once is, honestly, I like reading what people thought of each chapter. Each one is over 10k so it really is helpful to hear what people took from it and it’s a really fulfilling part of it. I’ve always said, writing the story was for me. Publicising it was for other people. I don’t get a lot out of it- comments are perhaps the only thing I like about that part of the experience. Even the critical comments, they give me a lot as a writer. That’s why I said I very selfishly don’t want to release it all. It’d be so much content and I’d get very little feedback for it. Again, I don’t particularly mind what feedback that is. I just don’t like seeing the hit count go up and having radio silence once my work is out there. It makes me feel dirty and like the effort was for nothing. Maybe even used? I don’t know. Again, I’m very probably a narcissist. 

As a reader, I never used to tell the writer what I thought. But it’s so so important in terms of interaction between reader and writer. Otherwise how will we know if what we have produced is a story worth telling at all y’know?

Some have suggested I release the story and then delete it. And I get that. I do. But I think that would be a horrible thing for me personally. To see all of that time and effort be consumed and then put in the trash, hidden, something to be ashamed of. I don’t know, I think that would just make me feel worse about it all. Again, personal opinion.

Some have said make it private, only let some people read it. But again, that removes the discourse, the feedback.

Fanfiction is free and I really believe it should be. Like it’s very mediocre writing, why the fuck should I gain financially off the backs of many others? But that is not to say that content should just be freely consumed without any recognition or acknowledgement of the creators. I want people to talk to me about what they think. I want the fucking discourse. People like @logicaldaydream and @jasperjoordan and the users who regularly comment on each chapter (eg randombellarke, @fearingdark, @wolfheartgirl​ etc- literally don’t think I don’t read them every time and cherish them) are the ones who have kept me committed to publishing it (Not writing it. I have kept me committed to writing it. A distinction worth making.)

The sad truth is, I can’t engage with my story in the way that I did before. I am staying quite neutral on the drama and even I still can’t look at Bob the same way. I can’t look at Bellamy the same way. That’s a personal perspective, I know many do not struggle with the separation but I have. If I could choose not to, I would.

I’ve considered rewriting with OCs. But in reality, this story is too mediocre to have any success as it’s own book. It’s a fanfiction. It relies on familiar relationships and preestablished connections to characters. Some might say it doesn’t, but honestly, it does. I know some fan fictions can be successfully altered in that way but I do not believe mine can.

At the end of the day, I’m fucking angry. I put time into putting characters I loved into a world I created and those faces have been marred forever by this. Whether the allegations are true or false, I’ll always remember this experience when I reflect on the Bellarke fan base.

And I’m not going to let this ruin the story I was telling.

What sucks is I doubt anyone else will bother to start reading it, and I doubt many will bother to continue. I know I for sure wouldn’t want to. Really I would not blame anyone for ditching this fic, at all.

But these last few chapters deserve to be up there with the rest of them.

Fuck Beliza. Fuck the entire community for making their personal lives our issue. Fuck the 100 and it’s problematic crew.

I’ll be posting chapters every couple of days from now on. Please read them if you ever enjoyed the story. Please comment and tell me what you thought of each because I don’t want this story to be made into a weird thing to be ashamed of, only to be read in the middle of the night when no one is looking, dirty secret kind of thing.

I am not responsible for the actions of Beliza/Arryn and I am fuming that my story feels tainted to me now because of them.

If this is just as messy and self-indulgent as the last post, I apologize. What I’m trying to say is, I’m selfishly disappointed that my story is going to lose a wide part of its readership, that the chapters I am most proud of are going to go either ignored and forgotten about or read and consumed without any interaction (kudos/comments) because people don’t know how to interact in this fandom now, myself included. Again, I do not blame that at all. I feel it very strongly myself.

I’m a working cog in a broken machine and I feel wasted. I think many content creators are now being wasted. Bellarke was the main inspiration for many of us and I’m not even that deeply affected by the allegations because I know that Beliza are not Bellarke. I’m more deeply affected by the current state of the 100 community. 

I think that’s all I have to say for now. I am bitterly sorry about what’s happened. 

Ending this story will be a good way to say goodbye for me, and I hope in a year or two when the show develops new audiences, my story won’t be tainted for them, like it is for the ones here currently.

If this has seemed pretentious, obnoxious, overly self-indulgent, I am not intending to sound that way. I just wanted to vocalize my attitudes to clear it up for myself to be honest.

- Em x

[lokemikaze]

Zuka Rant: Part 2 (2016 Yuki - Don Juan)

okay so. for some reason, the gang in the zuka server decided they wanted to torture me, and introduced me to the 2016 yukigumi don juan. i thought i was prepared, but uhhh apparently not - i didn’t expect this amount of pAIN D: i’m legit gonna spend the next week crying about this

if you don’t already know, don juan is a “womanizer” trash man who brings shame upon his family and doesn’t appreciate the people who love him - until he meets maria, who he for some reason falls head over heels for and ends up dying for. that is not the main focus of this essay, though; my wish is to expand upon my thoughts about don juan’s relation to mental illness. please note that this will touch upon heavy themes, including Bad Coping Mechanisms. i’ll say it again:

TRIGGER WARNING FOR DARK THEMES LIKE alcoholism and self-harm

so. where to start. perhaps i should first make a disclaimer and say that while i am quite Experienced with mental illness, i am by no means an expert, and everything i write here will be my own personal opinions and over-analysis. i also know nothing about the history of this musical etc., i went into this blindly and got punched by the pain

when we first meet juan (played by the amazing daimon, who does such a good job), he is at a bar, surrounded by women. he smiles his gorgeous little smile, and dear gods we’re all taken by this utter trash man. he pushes the ones who love him away in favour of having yet another fling as he empties another bottle. does this seem healthy? nah fam, this is a textbook example of actual self-harm - he may not even realise it himself, but the way he is dealing with his inner struggles is to drown it in alcohol and s*x. it is harmful to both body and mind, yet he uses it to push away the harsh reality and ignore his own emotions

there’s a very touching scene where we get to see young don juan with his mother as she dies. i think this is perhaps where some of his struggles started - he seemed to be struggling slightly even before this, but this is of course a moment that deeply affects him. he throws away his cross necklace, cursing god, and from then we can only imagine the path he took to get to the present. there is a very big chance he hasn’t actually dealt with the grief and trauma from seeing his mother die, and has instead repressed it. for years. and you know what we say about repressing emotions? uhh yeah it’s not good

so as i see it, the juan we meet at the beginning of this musical is a broken man who does not want to acknowledge that he is broken. he shows obvious signs of depression (i.e. pushing people away, losing interest in i.e. the women he desire), and he spends his days (unconsciously?) self-harming. he hides behind a smiling mask, when in reality he is filled with so much anger and grief, and probably - judging by his reactions later - is really out of touch with his emotions, unable to grasp any of them. it is, in fact, Sad Boie Hours

then, the ghost appears. or is it a ghost? i see this as a figment of juan’s mind - perhaps a hallucination? he clearly believes what he’s seeing is real, but nobody else can see what he sees. he is distressed by this (obviously), and reacts violently bc that’s the only way he knows to act. we can see him slowly losing his grip on reality, unable to make out the difference. as someone who has at several points in my life had hallucinations, i can confirm that the way he is acting is indeed very realistic for someone in that situation. not to mention that he’s haunted by guilt and trauma and all those emotions he has pushed down for so long. he loses some of the control he has over himself due to the extreme mental anguish he is going through.

then, he meets maria. it is love at first sight. he sees her, and talks to her, and cannot grasp - what is this feeling? why does it hurt, why does it feel like everything is changing? he finally has something that feels light in his life, something that ‘sparks joy’. maria gives him what no one else have been able to - a positive feeling that shines through the darkness of his struggles. he swears to change for her, to abandon his old ways and start a new and better life, and this is where i need to rant a bit about the costumes

as i said in my previous essay, i am a Costume Nerd, and i was a lot more pleased with the costumes of this production than in 2009 zukabeth (still salty). there aren’t many costume changes, but there doesn’t need to be. juan’s first outfit is such a Vibe, and i absolutely love it - and it’s completely full-on black. only black. however, after he meets maria and pledges to change, his costume also changes. he now has not only really pretty sparkle, but *white*. his all-black has adapted to include touches of white. there are of course multiple meanings that could be read into this, but what does it mean judging from the mental health viewpoint? well, black is often associated with depression and dark thoughts (hence the name *dark* thoughts), while white is associated with purity, joy and hope. my theory is that juan’s previously hopeless existence now has hope, something he wants to live for, someone he loves and cherishes and who keeps him going. there is light at the end of the dark tunnel, so to say.

then, maria’s fiance comes back from war and confronts juan. they agree upon a duel, and juan has what seems to be a panic attack. all of a sudden, the fragile happiness he created with maria is broken, and everything comes flooding back - including his hallucination ghost. in a following scene, he is seen with his (absolutely gay) friend, who tries to convince him to Not Do This. the ghost follows, and we see that juan is once again losing his grip on reality, lashing out and refusing to listen to reason. when the duel scene arrives, juan’s costume is back to the full black. his hope is gone, and he has reverted back into the anguished man he was.

in the beginning of the duel, juan fights mercilessly, wounding his enemy several times, each time getting more and more out of control. he sees this man as the obstacle between himself and the hope he tried to cling on to, and now that he has had a taste of happiness, he wants it back. he aims to kill, and gets angry when his target won’t. stop. getting. up!! this is when the good old hallucination ghost once again appears, telling him that he is only procrastinating the inevitable, that if he wins, he will lose anyway due to the sin of killing another man. you can *see* the moment when juan’s last grip on reality shatters, and from then on out there’s no hope of it ending well. he has given up hope, he has given in to the darkness, he has accepted as a fact that there is no good outcome for him. if he lives on, he will be plagued by his own struggles, unable to find a way out of the deep dark hole his mind has plunged him into. and so, he does the only thing that seems logical, and basically throws himself at his enemy’s blade. he states that this way, maybe he can live on in the love between himself and maria. my belief is that it was a simple way to commit s*icide that didn’t involve him having to actually do it himself. it makes it seem ‘accidental’, and lays the blame on someone else. 

and so, don juan dies. a painful, harsh death that absolutely punched my heart and wrenched the sobs from my throat (thanks for enabling my hyper empathy, daimon, well done). he dies with little else than the vague hope that maybe, he can die with love, and that something good will come from it all. a man who got too little time, made too many bad decisions, and had too many issues that he should’ve gotten help with ages ago goddammit. it is questionable if he was fully aware of his decision, being fully lost to his own mind by then, but what is unquestionable is that he suffered a lot. his entire life was filled with suffering, hidden behind a cocky smile. 

if you’ve read all the way here, thank you for considering what i had to say. i hope i remembered everything i wanted to say. i have no way to conclude this, other than to say “thanks, i hate this” to the sadists who threw me into this. it is a heartwrenching story that i honestly can relate to a little too much to (no, i am not a murderer nor a womanizer), and i felt don juan’s pain on a deep level. have i read way too much into it all? probably. then again, that’s the beauty of fiction - we all have our own experiences which affect the impression it leaves us with. and to me, takarazuka’s don juan isn’t about a cocky bastard who got too full of himself - it’s about a young man so filled with pain that it led to his demise.

[butdidmarlenacomebackhome]

okay so I'm probably going to make an unpopular statement, above all considering the platform I'm sharing it on but I feel like Tumblr is one of the places on the net where one should raise awareness the most considering the popularity of this topic. frankly, I don' t care about the repercussions because this is a serious matter I'm really passionate about. I've already talked about it on Twitter, where a few days ago this was a hot topic & I collected a lot of data from various point of views. let me just repeat my own stand one more time:

please, do not romanticize the mafia in any way, shape or form

I think a lot of misconceptions have been spread all over the world about what the mafia is all about and let me tell you that as an Italian citizen well-studied on the matter, fancy lifestyles and hot-ass possessive mobsters ready to romance the fvck out of you is not it. it's quite disrespectful to picture this romanticized version of a real world-wide issue through media (official and unofficial) and I will proceed to explain why. a lot of people on Twitter think they have every right to treat the matter as something (and I quote) "meaningless" so I went ahead and made a thread about the "meaningless" crimes committed by the Italian mafias.

mind that the articles I've linked as well as their titles contain some pretty graphic descriptions and/or pictures, I recommend refraining from reading if those may trigger you

here are some of the most cruel and well-known atrocities that make up the mafious history (past and present) to better understand what we're talking about. I guarantee that everything you know about the mafia (from the concept of honor, to that of familial loyalty and union showcased into the media) is wrong:

The Forgotten Story Of Giuseppe Di Matteo, A Boy Dissolved In Acid By The Mafia

Three-Year-Old's Mafia Death Shocks Italy

Mafia in Naples is still going strong – and we must not forget how it affects everyday life in the city

Italian Prosecutor Fights the Mafia—and Fears for His Life

How the brutal murder of an anti-mafia hero altered Sicily

Italian politicians and police among 300 held in mafia bust

7 Major Mafia Murders [Warning: Gruesome Photos]

‘Migrants are more profitable than drugs’: how the mafia infiltrated Italy’s asylum system

Outrage as deadliest ever mafia boss, 86, who ordered 150 murders and a boy to be dissolved in ACID is set to be freed from jail so he can ‘die with dignity’

Paolo Borsellino: the massacre in via D’Amelio twenty-eight years ago

Lea Garofalo was killed by her Mafia family. Now she's the face of anti-mob protests (this one to show you mafia has no fvcking honor, kills men, women & children alike & if you get in their way not even family bonds can save you)

Italian mafia boss suspected of trying to buy a baby for €10,000

Meet the Sicilian Mafia Hitman Who Killed 80 People and Will Be Free in 5 Years

The shadowy world of Mafia boss Diabolik who strangled a pregnant woman and murdered 50 others

How the Mafia infiltrated Italy’s hospitals and laundered the profits globally

[ tw for graphic images ] 'My photos are just blood, blood, blood': Cosa Nostra's brutal murders in 1970s Sicily are revealed in images taken by female photographer who defied Mafia death threats to cover their crimes

[tw; graphic images] Children murdered by the Mafia as Italian mobsters sink to new low

Italian mafia groups are cashing in on COVID-19 by exploiting the social and economic crisis

Revealed: Mafia’s prime role in human-trafficking misery

Italy remembers general killed by mafia

How the mafia is causing cancer

adding this one too, which is a list of victims killed by the Sicilian Mafia ONLY, countless others have been brutally and unjustly murdered by the other Italian mafias too

in conclusion: people have died, people still grieve the losses of their siblings and friends and co-citizens, people are still fighting and people have died trying. to create fictional works or tiktok videos or whatever people are doing these days twisting the very cruel and very gruesome reality of the mafia is and will forever be disrespectful to its victims, past present and unfortunately future. this doesn't mean one shouldn't be free to create a fictional work based off the world of criminal organizations, but to do so while being unproblematic requires two possible solutions:

1. to respectfully treat the issue through a realistic depiction of the mafia, based on documented research and actual facts

and/or

2. to satisfy your need for a criminal/mobster love interest WITHOUT attributing the scenario to the mafia, for example by simply calling it a criminal!au instead than a mafia!au - this is really an easy and accessible solution, it costs literally nothing to change this habit

keep in mind that in no way am I intending to bring forward any sort of "cultural appropriation" speech as the mafia is in no way part of the Italian culture, nor should it be treated as any cultural asset: it is rather an on-going historical plague. I want to clarify (as many of the people who have spoken up about it have been accused of this) that I am not asking to attribute it to Italians, but rather to recognize the gravity of this deeply-rooted problem.

Mafias are not an aesthetic.

choosing to ignore this crucial fact is to serve as an accomplice & to debase its crimes against humanity.

"We need restless consciences in our country, we need citizens who will say they've had enough! We've been talking about mafia for ages."

— Father Luigi Ciotti, deeply involved in the fight against illegality and organized crime, as the Mafia

"I never asked to deal with the mafia. I got involved by accident. And then I stayed because of a moral issue: people kept dying all around me."

— Judge Paolo Borsellino, killed by the Mafia in the Via D'Amelio bombing because of his investigations against the mafia and his Antimafia Pool which brought to justice 475 mafiosi

"The fight against the mafia must become a cultural movement which accustoms people to appreciate the beauty of the fragrant perfume of freedom opposed to the stink of moral compromise, indifference and therefore of complicity"

— Judge Paolo Borsellino

p. s. one of the scariest parts about the post I've written has been searching for English quotes about the mafia: the only ones you'll find are some kind of inspirational phrases & other famous quotes by world-wide known mobsters which, by the way, are in no way truthful and/or realistic. the Italian testimony has practically been erased in foreign media & is only accessible to Italian speakers. therefore I need to specify that the quotes I've used in this post have been personally translated by me from the Italian source.

"Nobody will avenge us. Our pain has no witness."

— Peppino Impastato, Italian journalist and activist who spoke up his entire life about the mafias, denouncing their crimes, assassinated by Cosa Nostra

[frankendeers]

“I am Made of Love and It’s Stronger than You”: Steven Universe and Alternative Models of Queer Resistance in Science-Fiction.

I needed to motivate myself because I have been working on this for ages - so here, have the prospectus to my M.A thesis. Maybe you’re interested in talking about it, or reading more as the thesis is being developed?

How do we resist oppression? Even before the emergence of queer theory as an academic discipline, authors and activists alike have wondered how the persistent structures of hegemonic discourse can be opposed. Aside from important endeavours to organise and dismantle political ideology and its effect on the material world, fiction is slowly recognised as a possible tool for queer resistance. By representing marginalised groups and opening discussions about different kinds of subjectivity, fiction provides new frameworks for dreaming queer revolution. Stressing the importance of conjuring imaginative scenarios to explore societal issues, it is no surprise that the genre of Science-Fiction has risen to the challenge. Its visions of both utopian and dystopian futures speculate upon how issues of marginalisation might be dealt with going forward and is therefore meaningfully engaging with the Other.

A particularly interesting outlet for social commentary is constituted in the figure of the alien. By taking the concept of the outsider to its most literal meaning, Science Fiction is able to extricate itself from reality and use imaginary cultures to draw parallels to our own world. In some texts, the alien is meant to incite the Freudian concept of the uncanny. The relative proximity to humanity is here meant to signify cultural lines and warn the audience against transgression. In other works, the distance between human and alien is reduced further, until a certain level of identification with the strange Other is reached. This strategy is most often employed to show the alien as a bringer of progress and incite positive change in how the audience sees what it cannot understand. Due to the multiplicity of the alien’s symbolic meaning, utilising the concept to interrogate the nature of gender identity and sexual desire has been proven quite fruitful. From feminist utopias where all men go extinct to allegories of same-sex relationships, extra-terrestrial characters are useful metaphors to discern how we view queerness. More than this, the ways in which queerness is constituted in alien cultures, technologies and biologies can be utilised to point towards strategies to free marginalised groups from oppression. One recent work of Science Fiction stands out in its attempt to interrogate the nature of queerness and rebellion by employing the alien as a symbol for human society: The Cartoon Network’s children’s program Steven Universe. My paper will examine how Steven Universe reflects on queerness through alien characters and, furthermore, offers a unique model of radical empathy as a viable way to resist oppressive structures.

Steven Universe has proven to be undeniably relevant to queer discourse. The show received the Media Award for Outstanding Kids and Family Programming by the GLAAD Organisation (Gay and Lesbian Association against Defamation) in 2019 and wrote history by depicting the first on-screen queer kiss in a children’s animated program. Steven Universe focusses on its titular character, Steven, a young alien/human hybrid who learns to control his supernatural powers under the guidance of his four alien surrogate mothers: Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl. The heart of the show is constituted in Steven’s engagement with the society, biology and history of his alien heritage, an extra-terrestrial species called the Gems. Throughout the show, the plot reveals a legacy of oppression and war, with the gem’s homeworld representing imperial and fascist ideology against which his late mother has rebelled. As the story continues, Steven must realise that the ancient war his mother battled against her home planet merely resulted in a stand-still and that it is his duty to find ways for resistance.

In order to see how Steven Universe uses the alien in relation to queer identity, my paper will first reflect on how queerness is represented within the show. Although the nature of queerness is notoriously hard to articulate, it will be necessary to outline the terminology and specify how the concept is used for my specific purpose. Queerness defines itself exactly through its breaking of boundaries and blurring of conventional lines, it pertains -most commonly- to matters of sexuality, identity, gender and desire: “Broadly speaking, queer describes those gestures or analytical models which dramatize incoherencies in the allegedly stable relations between chromosomal sex, gender and sexual desire. Resisting that model or stability –which claims heterosexuality as its origin, when it is more properly its effect –queer focuses on mismatches between sex, gender and desire.” (Jagose 3). In other words, I will use queerness as a direct opposition to the hegemonic discourse, which demands stable and unchanging categories of gender, sexuality and their expressions. These demands are rooted in normative assumptions about the naturalness of heterosexuality[M3]  and rigid ideas about gender roles. Defining these boundaries, will furthermore be achieved by looking at Simone de Beavoirs The Second Sex and Judith Butler’s analysis on the performative nature of gender.

Using these definitions reveals the usefulness of Steven Universe in queer context. One outstanding detail is the fact that all gems, Steven himself excluded, are female presenting to human audiences, yet their internal gender identity remains ambiguous. Gems reproduce asexually, having no need for biological sex (or even gender) and are often even unable to grasp the concept itself. Their presentation as female is shown to be an unquestioned default, putting the dominant assumption of neutral masculinity into question. Characters like Amethyst, are shown to explore their gender on a deeper level, occasionally taking on masculine alter egos and preferring male pronouns while presenting this way. Steven himself is positioned in opposition to general notions of hegemonic masculinity. His weapons are defensive, his powers involve healing, and his design is dominated by soft shapes and the colour pink. More than that, Steven is empathetic, gentle, and shown to enjoy stereotypically feminine activities such as wearing dresses and planning weddings. His close connection to the figure of the mother queers him in more ways than one. Besides this being an unusual feature of a male-centred storyline, the asexual nature of the Gems negates his gender identity. Strangers to reproduction, the enemies mistake Steven for his mother, misgendering him and drawing direct parallels to lived experiences of transgender people. His fight against their oppressive regime is ultimately similar to the struggles of transgender people, who are fighting for recognition of their identities.

This explicit disconnection between sex and gender also means that various romances formed between main characters are visually presented as lesbian relationships, while simultaneously putting the essentialist nature of gender into question. Complex romances are put to the forefront, meant to interrogate issues of prejudice, authenticity and power relations. The character Pearl, formerly a servant of Steven’s mother, rebels against her home planet out of romantic affection for her master. The narrative presents the death of Steven’s mother as a traumatic event and invites questions of how her queer identity interacted with her liberation. On the one hand, “lesbian” affection was the cause for Pearl joining the rebellion, yet she is unable to shed her subservience to Steven’s mother. The narrative criticises her loss of self-worth, rooted in ideological indoctrination as much as romantic dependence.

Connecting multiple issues of gender and sexuality, the alien biology of the gems is infused with inherent queerness. Steven Universe’s alien race has a mechanism to question fixed identity itself: Fusion. Here, two gems perform a dancing routine to synchronise with each other until they fuse to form a new entity altogether. Most often employed as a strategy to gain strength in battle, fusion is also shown to be a deeply intimate and emotional matter. The resulting character is physically and mentally an amalgam of the two (or more Gems) who created them. In this way, fusion functions as an exploration of identity and relationships, deeply queer in matters of gender and sexual desire. One fusion particularly stands out when analysing gender fluidity: The fusion of Stevonnie comes into existence when Steven, and his best friend Connie fuse. Stevonnie is explicitly stated and shown to be nonbinary and intersex.  They are capable, relatable and even shown to be desirable in the eyes of other characters. The fact that Steven and Connie break with gender conventions by switching masculine and feminine roles, makes analysing Stevonnie all the more fruitful. Stevonnie is also far from the only nonbinary fusion of the show. Throughout the seasons, Steven fuses with multiple gems, resulting in an array of nonbinary characters of vastly different gender representations and pronouns.

The show’s revolutionary approach is reinforced by the fact that the gem’s planet, simply called Homeworld, practically operates under a fascist dictatorship. Its society is made up of different types of gems, created for distinct purposes they are meant to fulfil without question. Remarkably, Homeworld explicitly forbids fusion between two different types of gems. Overstepping this line is not only cause for scandal but punishable by death. The show presents this as a thinly veiled allegory for the oppressed nature of LGBT relationships in the real world. In relation to that, the show examines themes of queer oppression and queer resistance in the character of Garnet. Garnet is a permanently fused gem, made up of Ruby and Sapphire who chose to rebel against Homeworld. Their romantic relationship is not weakened by its metaphorical nature, as Ruby and Sapphire’s visual resemblance to women is a constant reminder of its queerness.

As the show progresses, Steven is forced to confront Homeworld and decide upon strategies for liberation. Here, the show is ambivalent towards the usage of physical force. On the one hand, the war for independence fought by the rebellion five thousand years ago, is shown to have been effective in fighting against Homeworld’s armies. However, it also wiped out nearly all the rebellious gems and has ultimately only achieved a temporary peace. Contrarily, Steven’s innate empathy and deep desire to engage with whom he opposes is presented as inciting long-lasting change. Not only pertaining to his personality, but also encoded in his alien biology, Steven has the power to feel the emotions of his enemies. As he recognises physical force as inevitable in some instances, the real shift always occurs due to him trying to understand his opponents on an emotional level. The show hereby raises the complicated question of how to consolidate liberation and a need to cease the perpetuation of violence, offering radical empathy as a possible solution. Radical empathy, as the idea to resist oppression through understanding, is negating the more masculine realm of physical fight. Using a male character to introduce this idea, is already marked as queer. Nevertheless, radical empathy is also a contested subject and it will be necessary to evaluate how Steven Universe answers to the possibility of its ineffectiveness in queer liberation discourse. For this purpose, I will employ, among others, Jack Halberstam’s theories on Queer Violence in media and Lee Edelman’s No Future: Queer Theory and the Death Drive. Both will be used to examine whether the progressive politics of Steven Universe can truly be used as an advocate for queer resistance, or if they promote liberalism and complacency.

In conclusion, my paper will examine how the concept of the alien is shown to be queer in Steven Universe, and how alien society is utilised as a metaphor for real-world queer discourse. It will further attempt to outline the different models of resistance brought forth by the show and address criticism towards its compliance with systemic injustice and accusations of demonising more violent forms of revolution.

  Bibliography: (Preliminary)

Primary Texts:

Steven Universe. Cartoon Network. 2013-2019.

Secondary Texts:

Beauvoir, Simone de. The Second Sex. New York: Vintage Books 1989, c1952. Print.

Butler, Judith. Undoing Gender. New York: Routledge, 2004.

Dunn, Eli. “Steven Universe, Fusion Magic, and the Queer Cartoon Carnivalesque.” Gender Forum: An Internet Journal of Gender Studies, vol. 56, 2016, pp. 44–57.

Edelman, Lee. No Future: Queer Theory and the Death Drive. , 2004. Print.

Jagose, Annamarie. Queer Theory: An Introduction. New York: New York University Press, 1996. Print.

Halberstam, Judith. “Imagined Violence/Queer Violence: Representation, Rage, and Resistance.” Social Text, no. 37, 1993, pp. 187–201.

Hollinger, Veronica. “(Re)Reading Queerly: Science Fiction, Feminism, and the Defamiliarization of Gender.” Science Fiction Studies, vol. 26, no. 1 [77], Mar. 1999, pp. 23–40.

Lothian, Alexis. “Feminist and Queer Science Fiction in America.” The Cambridge Companion to American Science Fiction, edited by Eric Carl Link and Gerry Canavan, Cambridge University Press, 2015, pp. 70–82.

Melzer, Patricia. Alien Constructions: Science Fiction and Feminist Thought. University of Texas Press, 2006.

Merrick, Helen. “Gender in Science Fiction.” The Cambridge Companion to Science Fiction, edited by Edward James and Farah Mendlesohn, Cambridge University Press, 2003, pp. 241–252.

Moore, Mandy Elizabeth "Future Visions: Queer Utopia in Steven Universe," Research on Diversity in Youth Literature: 2.1, 2019.

Pawlak, Wendy Sue. “The Spaces between: Non-Binary Representations of Gender in Twentieth-Century American Film.” Dissertation Abstracts International, vol. 73, no. 11, U of ArizonaProQuest, May 2013.

Pearson, Wendy Gay. “Queer Theory.” The Routledge Companion to Science Fiction, edited by Mark Bould et al., Routledge, 2009, pp. 298–307.

Pearson, Wendy Gay. “Science Fiction and Queer Theory” Published as a book chapter in: The Cambridge Companion to Science Fiction. Edward James and Farah Mendlesohn. (Eds.), 2003. Pp. 149-160.

Roqueta Fernandez, Marta “Posthumanism and the creation of racialised, queer identities and sexualities: An analysis of ‘Steven Universe’” Monográfico: Nuevas Amazonas, 2.7, 2019. Pp. 48-84.

Thomas, Misty. “‘I am a Conversation’: Media Literacy, Queer Pedagogy, and Steven Universe in College Curriculum”. Dialogue: The Interdisciplinary Journal of Popular Culture and Pedagogy, 6.3, 2019.

Valentin, Al. “Using the Animator’s Tools to Dismantle the Master’s House? Gender, Race, Sexuality and Disability in Cartoon Network’s Adventure Time and Steven Universe.” Buffy to Batgirl: Essays on Female Power, Evolving Femininity and Gender Roles in Science Fiction and Fantasy, edited by Julie M. Still et al., McFarland & Company Publishing, 2019, pp. 175–215.

[darkshadows713]

I may be wrong, and if so, we can have a productive discussion about it. I'm open to being corrected.

But I think there's something to say about people understanding and coming to grips with the world and themselves through original fiction and fanfiction. In fact, I think that's kind of the primary purpose of story.

Story was one of the ways that I expressed and worked through the ways I was feeling from the first time I picked up a pencil. Feelings of otherness and social isolation due to autism, depression, and anxiety. Feelings of abandonment, loss, and identity issues from being adopted (into a White family no less). Feelings of inadequacy and loss of control from bullying, abuse, and a sudden move. I processed it all through making fictional worlds or exploring ones others had made.

Consuming stories also helped me make sense of the world. I felt less alone reading or watching others go through the same things I have. I felt comforted when I saw or read characters I related to (and honestly projected onto) being accepted and loved. I read fictional stories about autistic characters and felt seen. I watched The Prom musical and Wicked and I felt seen.

Consuming stories helped me understand others. I can have compassion for others (and I do, or at least I try to) but I can't even come close to understanding how they feel or what they need as support without stories, fiction or otherwise. Stories like Diary of a Young Girl by Anne Frank. I understood before reading that the Holocaust was bad, that Jews were targeted, that we couldn't allow it to happen again, but only on a surface level. After I read it, I had seen the world through her eyes and understood more deeply what had happened to her and 6 million other people. Every time I watch Falsettos, I can't keep myself from sobbing, having reached an understanding of what exactly happened to my community 30 years ago. I understood abstractly before, but only through story was I able to make sense and forge a connection.

Our brains are wired for story. Good businesspeople understand this when they need to sell a product, service, or idea. The "edutainment" genre came about from connecting facts to story, because our brains remember facts better that way. There's at least one book, probably more, explaining to would-be authors about how and why our brains are wired for story.

So, when I see people writing fanfiction about the quarantine, for example, I don't see people who have "brain rot" and are disillusioned from reality. I see people who are trying to make sense of a global emergency by working through it in fiction. The "exposure" theory of treating phobias is about dealing with the thing you're scared of in a situation where you have control. That's what I see. I see young, scared, confused people taking a global pandemic and putting it in a situation where they have control.

I see people, especially young people, treating other big ideas this way. Economic woes, racism, gender and sexuality. I don't feel that what they're doing generally is or is intended to be making light of these topics, but in fact quite the opposite: they are trying to forge their own connection to and understanding of these huge ideas by crafting little stories where they can change the rules and find out how it works, how it affects people, how it can be altered. I think that's a good thing.

Sure, there are cases where the effect is unequivocally... not good. I know. But I think there are more examples of story doing good in the world, forming understandings of ourselves and connections with others, then there are Jefferson Miku binder examples.

I think fiction, including fanfiction and fandom in general, are legitimate ways for people, especially people who are young or neurodivergent, to explore tough topics and make sense of the world around them.

If you disagree or feel like I've neglected certain facts or ideas, like I said, I'm totally willing to discuss this. But I think we're ascribing malice to people who are just trying to figure it out.

[wellknownwolf]

I want to move into a new phase in my relationship with fandom, as I mature with new experiences. I'm not sure what exactly that looks like though. What is your take on the parasocial affection inherent in an RPF like Rhett & Link? Or even the deep attachments that can form with fictional characters? Or a desire to emulate fantasy worlds? I'm sorry if I've made you uncomfortable with all this, it's just that it's been a long time coming, and once I got started I couldn't stop. - Natasha (5)

First, let me post the full question, since it came in 5 parts:

Hey, it's me again. Your 'mystery inquirer', as you so adorably dubbed me. You're right, I had forgotten I'd sent in that ask. Just now, I couldn't help but think about a scene from Life After, as I am wont to on a frightfully regular basis, which is what got me back here. When you said you pondered over my seemingly simple, banal question for a good while, and wrote out a beautifully thoughtful answer like you always do, it made me happy.

Your narrative voice is similar to my own, and it made my chest ache in a certain way to have gotten such a response to what felt like a random shout out into the abyss (though it obviously wasn't, I sent it directly to you, I guess it's more what it felt like taking a chance on a conversation with a random stranger online). And now I'm cringing a bit at how melodramatic all sounds. But I'm committing to it, anyway. That's the beauty of anon, eh?

Wolfie (is it presumptuous to call you that? Please do forgive me the liberty I'm taking), I must admit. I'm quite envious of this community you have with @missingparentheses, @lunar-winterlude, and other wonderful people. Since childhood, I've been head over heels in love with fandom. Not a specific fandom, I've been a traveller through dozens, but fandom in general. I've read probably thousands of fanfics, spent countless hours daydreaming about beloved characters and their stories.

To the point where, in my most recent and worst depressive episode, it may have been for the worse, if I'm honest. Escapism and yearning to the point of impairment, engendering a sense of constant bereavement. But it's taught me so much about life and its wonders, I can't write it off as just some damaging habit. It's such an integral part of who I am, a deeply curious soul (shout out to my Enneagram Type 5-ers out there!). But I don't anyone to share it with, and it can get quite lonely.

I want to move into a new phase in my relationship with fandom, as I mature with new experiences. I'm not sure what exactly that looks like though. What is your take on the parasocial affection inherent in an RPF like Rhett & Link? Or even the deep attachments that can form with fictional characters? Or a desire to emulate fantasy worlds? I'm sorry if I've made you uncomfortable with all this, it's just that it's been a long time coming, and once I got started I couldn't stop. - Natasha

.....................................................................

Thank you for giving me so much to respond to, Natasha.  Thank you for continuing to reach out.   I accidentally wrote something like a paper in response to your thoughtful question.  I even conducted a little research and cited a source.  ENGLISH TEACHER, ACTIVATE!

Also, for what it’s worth, I feel at times that I communicate exclusively through shouts into the abyss, so it’s a language with which I am at home.  In fact, it is this very technique, this experiment with intense vulnerability at the hands of a virtual stranger, that earned me one of my absolutely most-treasured friends: @missingparentheses.  I have poured out a great deal of my own melodrama to her, and she has received it and reciprocated it in a way that, three years later, continues to teach me how to be a better friend.  In short, I’m a firm believer in diving straight in when it comes to new friends.  Cringe not; I’m on board.

So let’s dive.

R&L is really only the second “fandom” with which I’ve been involved.  Third, if we count my preteen obsession with ‘N Sync (and considering how much wall space I dedicated to their posters and self-printed photos, we probably should).  My point is, while I don’t have much experience with the community facet of fandom, I do relate to your feeling of near-obsession.  Or clear obsession.  

I know the feeling of escapism you’re describing, and I know the yearning and melancholy that can come on our worst days, where we feel like “real life” will never measure up to the color and brilliance of the worlds we spend so much time considering. These worlds, these characters and their relationships, their challenges, victories, and defeats all seem so purposeful: they’re the plot points we use to craft the stories in our heads (regardless of whether we’re writers at all).  It can be much harder to view ourselves as protagonists worth analyzing, viewing and reviewing through new lenses, perhaps because we’re warned against navel-gazing, perhaps because our self-perception just won’t allow for it.  Maybe a little of both.

But yes!  It teaches us!  We DO learn about life, other people, love, risk, all kinds of things through what we consume in these fandoms, so I would never classify it as a “bad” thing.  We hone our imaginations and learn to pay attention to our own emotions as we recognize feelings from our favorite shows, games, books, and characters arising in ourselves.  

I used to be a little afraid of the fact that I was always telling myself stories, internally imagining myself as someone else, a player in the worlds I often loved more than my own.  I suspected that someday, somehow, I would be caught playing pretend all the time in my own little ways.  I was a bright and ambitious young woman, so why would I give so much of my mental energy to such frivolous pursuits?

In my first semester of graduate school, though, I learned from a Lit. Theory professor who intimidated the hell out of me that we all do this.  We’re all telling ourselves stories all the time, some of which are true and close to objective reality, some of which are more subjective to whatever fantastical (or fandom) material we last consumed.  I’ve whispered my own dialogue in the shower, but so have you whispered yours in your head (if not also out loud in your shower!).  And through this act, however it is performed, I have made those worlds part of my own.  So have you.  In this way, they are real, and I no longer feel fearful of being “found out.”  

When we have those moments of doubt, though, when we wonder whether we’re going too far, it probably stems, at least partially, from the “us v. them” divide between fandom and mainstream society.  We love our little worlds, but we also feel that twinge of anxiety that we might be bordering on obsession, that our guilty pleasure might be discovered and we will be socially punished for it, namely, as Joli Jensen writes in “Fandom as Pathology: The Consequences of Characterization,” because “the fan is characterized as (at least potentially) an obsessed loner, suffering from a disease of isolation, or a frenzied crowd member, suffering from a disease of contagion. In either case, the fan is seen as being irrational, out of control, and prey to a number of external forces” (13). According the consistent covert (and overt, at times) messages of the mainstream, “[f]andom is conceived of as a chronic attempt to compensate for a perceived personal lack of autonomy, absence of community, incomplete identity, lack of power and lack of recognition” (Jensen 17).  Yikes.  That doesn’t feel good to admit about ourselves, does it?  

Luckily, it’s bullshit.

Treating “fans” as others (outsiders, people who can’t form relationships or find fulfillment in the “real world”) “risks denigrating them in ways that are insulting and absurd” (Jensen 25).  Those who take this stance, who see fans as victims of hysteria or desperate loners, do so in order to “develop and defend a self-serving moral landscape.  That terrain cultivates in us a dishonorable moral stance of superiority, because it makes other into examples of extrinsic forces, while implying that we [members solely of the mainstream] somehow remain pure, autonomous, ad unafflicted” (Jensen 25).  In short, that us/them thinking just makes people feel better about themselves by pointing out an easily-identifiable “other.”

 I have also grappled with the concept of parasocial affection, particularly with R&L.  I was well into writing my first Rhink fic when the thought crossed my mind, “Oh my god, what if I actually met these people someday?  How would I look them in the eye?  I’d feel like a crazy person (again)!”  From the safety of the Midwest, I laughed off the thought.  And then a year or so later, they were announcing their first tour. And I was still writing, here and there, still deep in my affection for them, sometimes wrestling with the thought that I’ve devoted so much energy to people who would never know I exist.  

It doesn’t matter that the attachment was in the most obvious, tangible ways only one-sided.  As an adult who is ever-learning how to navigate the worlds of her own creation and the ones over which she has far less control, I view my intense attachment to characters both real and fictional with deep fondness.   And while I may not receive affection or attention directly from the sources (R&L, fictional characters, sports teams, who/whatever we build fandoms around), I am still earning some very real rewards for my involvement: Because of them, I found my way to a participatory culture in which I was supported and encouraged to express my creativity.  This gave me the push and interest that I needed to hone skills that have not only made me a better writer, but also a better teacher and mentor.  With fandom comes the ability to immediately strike up a conversation over shared interests. With fandom comes a sense of belonging in what we have proven is an awfully divisive world.  

Right now, I’m consuming far less fandom-related material than I did a few years ago.  I don’t really watch GMM anymore and I’m on a break from Ear Biscuits (though I still love it), Gotham ended over a year ago and I’m not in the habit of reading fics right now, and I can’t yet play the remade Final Fantasy 7, so that’s out for me, too (though I know I will fall deep into that well once the game is in my hot little hands).  This all happened by itself.  I never consciously moved away from these sources; I just floated on to other interests and other levels of interest, knowing that if and when I wanted to dig back in, I could always come back.  

I used to feel quite sad at the thought of someday “moving on” from these intense interests.  I couldn’t fathom somehow falling out of love with those bands, actors, or video games.  But for me, the transition into wherever I am now has not been painful in the least.  I’m glad I knew the intensity that I did, and I’m happy with the distance I have now. And there’s a good chance I’ll be fanatic about something else someday.  I’m looking forward to it!

 Here are some responses that I couldn’t organically fit into my essay:

Yes, you can call me Wolfie if you’d like.  That name started with @missingparentheses (her second appearance in this answer!), and quickly became a reminder to not take myself too seriously.  

Second, I don’t think I know any other Type 5s!  I’m a type 8. 

Also, here’s my MLA formatted citation for the Jensen source:

Jensen, Joli. “Fandom as Pathology: The Consequences of Characterization.”   The Adoring Audience: Fan Culture and Popular Media, Routledge, 1992, pp. 9-29.

[mysticalmindblog]

Dear friends, fellow humans on this extraordinary voyage called life; let's take a few moments to step out of ourselves and see the pointlessness of the worrying and stressing we allow our minds to endure so much in our lives - especially now with this COVID-19 situation globally...

First of all, let's be clear in regards to the distinction between 'Mindful Concern', and 'Overthinking / Panic / Worrying too much'.

Mindful Concern - is where you function at your best, efficiently processing facts from fiction, and taking actions based upon those facts to create a safer environment for yourself and loved ones to be able to thrive in. You could also say that this is actively tapping into the genetic 'self-preservation-instinct' and coupling it with higher-thinking.

Overthinking / Panic / Worrying too much - is where you allow your mind to become overwhelmed with fears of 'possible doom scenarios' whereby you exist in a constant state of vulnerability and heart-trembling nervousness, almost paralyzing you into a useless state-of-being.

Now, primarily the source of so much panic is the 'sensationalism' of much of what is being broadcast in the mainstream news. Yes, there is a deadly virus that has reached across the world, sickening many and killing some. This is a fact. However, if you closely examine the statistics, you will see that they pale in comparison with the results of other respiratory viruses that have been around for many many years. Not to take away from the seriousness of the COVID-19, but some critical thinking perspectives should be allowed.

If you were to be an ardent believer of the mainstream news, you would think the Apocalypse has arrived and humanity teeters on the edge of complete destruction. Sadly, this situation has been packaged as a narrative related to politics, globalism, and many other 'uncontrollable' factors. So much panic caused by sensationalizing the news creates such stupidities as hoarding toilet paper; which all started in Australia as a result of supply chain issues as most toilet paper in Australia is imported from... China. When this was first reported there, it was given such importance that people went berserk at the supermarkets emptying shelves and fighting for toilet roll. This then got picked up by global mainstream news and suddenly you had a global herd instinct rush on buying up all toilet rolls. The global mainstream news just 'omitted' saying the truth about why there was a rush on toilet paper in Australia, instead hyping it up sensationally as evidence that "The World is in a State of Viral Pandemic and toilet paper is an essential emergency need" --- Ridiculous.

This is why I say, you must mindfully be efficient in sorting truth from fiction. In reality, if you give it the consideration it deserves, how on Earth could toilet paper be such an emergency item? Hysteria over irresponsible news reporting. That's all.

The news networks globally are focused more on 'viewership statistics' for profitability than anything else - and this is nothing new, this has been and is the focus at the very core of them as corporate entities; and they are often wrong, having to issue retractions - or often 'spin' news narratives to suit their agendas. ~Just be aware of this as a fact the next time you turn on a news channel. You have to exercise some critical thinking and mindful concern in discerning what is credible and factual reporting. More often than not, when looking at the news with such mental measures, you will see a consistent thread of narrative influence to lead your thought processes in a direction that, given more contemplation, will seem quite ridiculous.

What I want to get across to you right now is to focus with mindful concern on you and your immediate environment. (HOME) I want you to empty out the clutter in your mind of confusing news reports, opinion pieces, and narratives - and instead focus on simply this question - How do I stay safe, sane, and functional in all of this..?

The answer..? Understand fully what you have control over, and what you do not have control over. Examples are: Sanitation at home. Sanitation when outside of home. Keeping track of local government safety and enforcement measures and following them. Mindfully keeping track of how much food and water you have stored, and need to get. Mindfully keeping track of your health, and the health of your family.

Additionally, set aside some time, and I am sure many of you have the time now with the global lockdowns, to Meditate. Too many associate Meditation with some old useless traditions from the Far East, and that is so incorrect.

It can simply be defined as "Meditation is a practice where an individual uses a technique – such as mindfulness, or focusing the mind on a particular object, thought, or activity – to train attention and awareness, and achieve a mentally clear and emotionally calm and stable state."

However, it can also be defined as simply being "The practice of quietening the mind by not focusing on any thought, concept, or activity." In essence, turning down the volume on the mind so that you are just simply consciousness with no active thinking - you simply - ARE. It is not that you 'forget' the suffering, the problems, the stress or anxieties' - but rather not think about them. It is like you go from the state of having a glass full of water (A mind full of dizzying worries and thoughts) to an empty glass (A mind where there is an absence of thoughts).

Reaching such a peaceful state of mind is tremendously rejuvenating for the body and brain. It is an art that has been practiced and perfected for thousands of years; even having clinical studies showing how beneficial it is for the organs of the body and physical longevity.

Meditation can be practiced not just sitting down in the Lotus position, but it can be practised anywhere, any time, whatever you are doing; because it is simply put - a quiet state of mind. It promotes powerful, efficient, critical thinking aka Mindfulness.

So, with the above in mind, I am going to include below an article I wrote in 2018 called "Why Worry?" which covers many aspects of how we humans get suckered into living a difficult mental state 24/7 by everything from processed foods to the stresses of social interactions. I hope it will be a blessing to you.

As for Meditation, enter it as a search term in YouTube for many good instructional videos, or Google to lead you to interesting articles on how to properly conduct sessions.

Be safe, be blessed.

----------------------------------

WHY WORRY..?

We are a species of worriers. We worry about practically everything. We even worry about worrying - someone told me just a few days ago, 'how much they worry about the amount of worrying they do', to which I replied by asking, "Does it help..?"

A very wise man who has since passed from this world once told me "If you worry, YOU WILL ONE DAY DIE. If you don't worry, YOU WILL ONE DAY DIE... So why worry..??"

Everyone goes through those times when they suddenly realize that a storm is going off inside their mind. Worry, upon worry, upon worry, and more worries, all stacked up in the mind like a mountain with no visible summit. It is a moment when it feels like the last scrap of sanity recoils from the rest of the consciousness in abject horror.

For some, that is the moment that they set about reaching for an alcoholic beverage, for others, they go for the pill bottle, or worse.

So, we are starting to see a process at work here: Worries + Time = Stress + Time = Brain Fog. OK, so hold that thought.

What else can cause brain fog..? Of course, failing to get enough sleep is a well known trigger, as well as the morning after a night out where copious amounts of alcohol are consumed. Surprisingly though, aside from these common sense facts, and that of stress, there are lesser known causes of Brain Fog.

Certain food allergies have been known to trigger chemicals in the brain that have a sedatory effect along with other more unpleasant symptoms. Furthermore a variety of food additives and even foods have been linked to inducing brain fog type effects. Chief among the food additives are MSG (Monosodium Glutamate) marketed as a flavoring agent and taste enhancer, is widely recognized as being a main culprit. And if you think you can avoid it, it can be very tricky because it has a variety of names. It can be in salad dressings, soups, canned vegetables, frozen lunches; you name it, it can be added. Here is a link that will provide you with the names that this nasty little food additive can hide under - http://www.msgmyth.com/Hidden_Names_for_MSG.pdf

Another one is an artificial sweetener known commonly as Aspartame. This has gotten more attention in recent years as many tests have been shown to prove that this additive can result in the early onset of Alzheimer disease. I recommend the following link for getting more information on what products contain this sweetener - http://deeprootsathome.com/products-contain-aspartame/

Peanuts, dairy products, pre-cooked foods, and even bacon, and a low vitamin B-12 intake have all been shown to result in chemical processes that affect the abilities of the brain in a negative fashion. And then of course, there is ALCOHOL. Yes, it's a lot to consider, a lot to look into and figure out what is in your diet that could be causing you grief, but please do it. It will be one, or a host of things less to worry about, right..?

Back to the Noisy Mind.

Worries + Time = Stress + Time = Brain Fog accompanied by all the uncontrollable noise in the mind, emotional swings, and anxieties. What is the secret then behind stopping worrying and obtaining a peaceful mind..? Well first off, it is not secret, just common sense. There is no way to stop the mind from thinking, however well you can control your thoughts, or however experienced you are with meditation. Thinking does not equate to worrying, yet worrying is all about thoughts, right..?

Without going too deeply into the dynamics of thoughts and thought responses, I will just say that you can discipline your mind to where you are able to observe a thought as it arises, not react to it, and allow it to pass while effectively turning down the volume so that as more thoughts arise, the drift past your awareness like a breeze clearing the morning mist.

The answer is Mindfulness; living fully in the moment you are in. Being wide awake and responsive in, and to, the very moment you are in - nothing more, nothing less. Mindfulness is the method used by meditation practitioners to achieve a very quiet and deep state of awareness while conscious. Meditation itself is literally mankind's most ancient way of 'getting away from it all'.

If you talk to any meditation practitioner, Yoga practitioner, Sadhu, Buddhist, Yogi, or practicing Hindu, they will all agree though that the same mindfulness practiced in meditation can be practiced in each waking moment of every day. It is ALL about LIVING IN THE MOMENT.

You see, 99.9% of our worries are connected to things in our past, and things possible in our future. Now here's the thing - the past cannot be changed, and the future hasn't arrived yet. It will, but not yet. It's coming. But you are in this moment, right now, here and now.

Does that mean I am telling you that to avoid brain fog, worries, anxieties etc. that you should just quit thinking about the past and the future..? NO. That is not possible, and would be disastrous. I am saying that you can efficiently put the past and the future into the correct perspectives so that you can be fully aware of the present moment unfolding before you, and be prepared for forthcoming moments by taking possible actions in the present.

A simple example would be: It is better to study now for a test tomorrow, rather than sit and worry about if you will pass the test or not.

The above example gives a definite knowledge of an event coming, which is the test, so it makes the process simple.

But what about an example like: 'I hope Philip doesn't come in to work tomorrow, if he does I know he is going to make my day hell in the office'. So, from this, the Thinker is worrying about something he has no control over (if Philip goes to work or not).

Just remember - you have control only over this moment, so control this moment with your 100% mindfulness. Worrying about things you have no control over leads only to disillusion and false expectations. Be mindful and present only in this very moment you are in, and take charge of it completely.