#we have accents that just cannot be taken seriously
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
simptasia · 2 years ago
Text
man, australian accents are not built for pathos, wisdom or sensuality
4 notes · View notes
orteil42 · 11 months ago
Text
some undifferentiated thoughts about my Starfield playthrough as i have them. i am a game developer with a strong interest in procedural generation and i've enjoyed a bunch of other bethesda games so this might get pretty mean sorry
(this is a long one)
starfield dialogue is already exhausting me "oh you must've been living under a moon rock ;)" get it! because they're in space! this would've been too corny for the Jetsons
there's a kind of cheap dusting of space theme over everything. the food isn't salmon but alien salmon. it's not seaweed but alien seaweed. cooking alien stir-fry. come on
cannot get over how clumsily the theming is handled. books, board games, weapon names revolve heavily around space. these people have been living on alien planets for hundreds of years yet have this unending sense of novelty about it. the game takes itself completely seriously but feels like it's attempting to parody itself
people's EYEBALLS are CLIPPING THROUGH THEIR EYELIDS
a woman is speaking to me in french. her accent is about as believable as her haircut
these are some of the worst reflection maps i've ever seen
next to nothing is interactive. you can sit in chairs and sleep in beds and that is about it. can't even drink from people's toilets. disgraceful
game helpfully crashes 5 seconds after i decide i should get some sleep. very handy!
my character has not said a single thing since i started playing. not one peep. this is an unmitigated improvement over Fallout 4 i'm so glad honestly
the more i poke around the big city the more the NPC quips feel like something out of gen-1 pokemon. can't get enough of this coffee :) this city is where it's at :) spacesuits are comfy and easy to wear
very strange sense of altered reality from the quest dialogue too. has anyone at bethesda met a person before? i move on to some mission that has me scanning wildlife on a faraway planet hoping this will, somehow, feel less alien than human conversation
just as with No Man's Sky, every planet is uniformly dotted with equidistantly-placed points of interest that you slowly make your way to (no vehicles besides your jetpack) which always turn out to be some cave or building identical to those you've cleared before
unlike with No Man's Sky, the seamless exploration is faked and the biodiversity is nil. you do get an impressive amount of raw loading screens however
the prefab bases and power stations found everywhere on planets seem to have very sparse, very specific slots for spawning consumables, which results in encountering some giant industrial installation in the middle of nowhere with, i don't know, a loaf of whole-grain sandwich bread just casually sitting next to it all proper. there is no breathable atmosphere here. who is eating this
planetary traversal is a CHORE. i am saying this as someone who loved Death Stranding
heinous "hold to confirm" buttons sprinkled in various flow-breaking places throughout the interface
enemy AI is abominable. nobody is pathing their way to get my ass. "must've been the wind" taken to the next level. an infant playing peekaboo has more object permanence
hoisting yourself up on ledges when jumping is…nice
companions randomly nowhere to be found. persists through multiple fast-travels and loading screens until, just as randomly, they pop back up
storage space is now limited! unlike in Fallout 4 and virtually every other bethesda game, your containers now hold a finite item capacity. god forbid we let the player have fun
baffling inventory UI. i imagine there's a mod out there that completely overhauls it the way SkyUI did for Skyrim. this should not be needed! how are your UIs getting worse a decade later!
scanning the precious few species inhabiting some dusty planet; one of them is this arching red root i've already seen several times before. my job done in this biome, i travel (read: teleport with a loading screen) to the polar region to find some other species. the first one i catalogue is the exact same red root again but this time it's named "boreas root" todd howard is a genius
some alien horror comes at me full fangs out. i hop on a pebble. obscenely, i am safe
procedural terrain generation beyond dull, impossibly unimaginative. these people have not had one critical thought on what makes a procedural world interesting. beginning to feel validated in my belief that only i should be trusted with proc gen. along with perhaps tarn adams
jokes aside this is making me feel genuinely insane. there have been excellent procedural generation techniques that produce compelling explorable maps for decades now. bethesda absolutely has the budget and know-how to do miles better than this yet somehow they just…do not? the same way Pokemon has decided to just no longer bother with their mainline games despite being the highest-grossing media franchise in history? hello? what is for real going on
some of the most cynical breadcrumbing i've seen in years. approaching some random cave and this person in space gear, who in the vast immensity of the infinite cosmos just happens to be snapping pictures right here, tells me more-or-less verbatim "if you like this place, you should see this other place" [other random cave has been added to your map.]
i do not like how good this makes No Man's Sky's gameplay look. it depresses me how much i have to hand it to No Man's Sky for at least not fucking up this bad. please stop making me wish i was playing No Man's Sky instead this is grotesque
i think i've exhausted my interest and patience for this game at the moment. i'll get back to the main story at some point and try some other systems ie. crafting and base-building to see if there's any engagement to be found but so far, my god. my god
1K notes · View notes
on-a-lucky-tide · 10 days ago
Note
Did anyone do the character ask game for Price?
Ha, Anon, I didn't. I had a few sporadic individual ones. I think people went: ahh, he's a Price guy, someone else will ask the Price guy about Price. But no. No.
Favourite thing about him
His disregard for bullshit rules. His frustration with the bureaucracy in the way of achieving just goals. I think he has a strong sense of justice (dictated by his own moral compass), and perceived injustice cannot stand. If you slight him, or the people he cares for, he's coming for you, and nothing on this earth or the next will save you from him. We share the frustration and the strong sense of justice in common. Mine gets me in trouble a lot, because I will absolutely tell people when I think they're being cunts or what they're asking me to do isn't right. I've landed on my feet most times, but not always. So, I guess I can relate.
What else? He's an overachiever and I love exploring where that drive comes from. I think I project a lot in coming up with the cause; disappointing your parents by being queer, so you work yourself down to the bone to prove yourself worthy of a love that will only destroy you in the end, because it's conditional on your soul bending in a way it's not meant to.
I love his fiery temper. Love it when he snarls and snaps. He's not the emotionless commander, blank slate protagonist who is perfect so we can project ourselves onto him thoughtlessly. Kind of linked to the rest of him: asymmetrical face, thinning hair at the crown, receding hairline, scruffy facial hair, strong build but not Hollywood ripped. He's an every man; flaws, freckles, n' everything in between.
Least favourite thing about him
He's intelligent and manipulative. He finds the broken boys, he tells them they can make a difference and all they've got to do is what he says, he puts the gun in their hands, points and gives the kill order. I think Price cares for them in his own way, but I also think he knows when someone is vulnerable to his particular brand of maverick justice. Price knows he inspires loyalty and devotion to an almost unhealthy degree, and he uses that to his advantage.
I say "least", again, but I think it makes him interesting. I think Soap throwing himself between him and a bullet would have profoundly affected him. Soap throwing his life away for Price - not the mission, for Price - was never part of the plan.
Favourite line(s):
"Haha, you think of ev'ryfin'."
"Ahh, sing it a lullaby, we gotta go!"
"Let's get evil."
"We fight not so that the world will remember us, but so that there will be a world to remember."
"This is for Soap."
Basically every time he opens his mouth, to be honest.
BrOTP
Price & Laswell; gay-lesbian solidarity. Price & Farah is also sweet.
OTP
Nik/Price, now and forever. Ghost/Price a very close second.
NOTP
Price/abuse. So, Makarov, Shepherd. Anyone who's gonna hurt him. Can't do it.
Random headcanon
I mean... I'm constantly writing them. But the one that comes up now and then is his accent. I think he trained himself out of it at Sandhurst because he wanted to be taken seriously. There's still a lot of snobbery in the British military at that level. Scouser Price is still very fun to write.
Unpopular opinion
That man has absolutely internalised a truckload of toxic masculinity that he needs to work through to heal.
Song I associate with them
Favour picture of him
Every artist that draws Price ever. But also...
Tumblr media
QUOKKA PRICE!
33 notes · View notes
gumbootillustrations · 1 month ago
Text
day 18 - headcanon
i had too many so no drawing today. instead, i offer a list.
bogan laurance. or, more specifically, bogan meteli. like cmonnn u Cannot tell me that meteli (esp old meteli) is just a standin for small-town new zealand/australia. anyway, they all have aussie/nz accents. laurs is the most obvious bc i think its funny. @shadowqnights @abxolotl this one goes out for you guys <3
on that note, ru'aun's environment is basically new zealand's. especially the sacred forest - it has major nz bush vibes. like.
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
cmon u Cannot tell me that these were taken in the sacred forest of ru'aun.
anyway. travis gets kept up at night by kiwi screaming at each other (seriously. take a listen.)
also, tu'la is inspired by the roman empire. ill probs elaborate on this in the future.
necromancer cadenza! i've spoken abt this before here if u want to see a bit more :3
irene's cathedral/dimension/whatever is less cathedral and more eldritch labyrinth. specifically, i envision it to be a lot like the theatre of domination from honkai impact 3rd.
garroth gardens in his free time! it's how he grows all the flowers for his flower crowns.
meif'wa are werecats; they can 'tuck in' their ears and tails like werewolves can (but it's generally super uncomfortable, no matter the species), and have a sort of hybrid cat-human form that they can also shift into.
melissa is the first ultima - i sort of got into it in this post, but essentially after mel comes back to find falconclaw destroyed and her siblings, aaron and lilly, dead (to the best of her knowledge - aaron is still alive, however), she strikes a deal with a goat-eyed being to bring them back, but because the fine print was specifically worded to fuck her over, her soul ends up getting fused with the wolf that she sacrifices for the ritual and she gets ultima'd.
also, lilly is now aaron and mel's younger sister. she's a ghost.
juror relics! i hate hate Hate how the jurors never get fleshed out in canon, so i gave them a bit more backstory in ashes, ashes. their powers originally came from smaller, less powerful relics that xavier carved off of his own, but after they get lost, they become figureheads for a long time until about 20-25 years prior to the start of ashes, ashes. there's a bit more on this in my day 20 post, pinky promise.
the generals of the shadow lord's army are called "death knells", and although they lead their own units/squadrons/whatever, their primary purpose is to oppose the divine warriors; including the shadow lord (who opposes irene), there are only ever seven death knells at one time. an example of a death knell is gene, who is intended to oppose kul'zak.
zianna is a witch, although, for most of her life, her abilities were passed off as her having prophetic magicks; these 'magicks' are why she was married off to garte, as the ro'meave line wanted to introduce these magicks into the family. unfortunately, the heir, garroth, didn't inherit his mother's abilities, but her two other children, zane/zuwellyn and vylad, did.
nicole is a half elf from her mum's side; her mum is matilda's sister, making her and levin first cousins. this is based on matilda lowkey looking really similar to nicole. idk i just think its fun.
garte sells out o'khasis to tu'la for more power during s2, thus transferring the jury of nine into the control of the king. it's a whole mess, and in the process, he essentially scapegoats zianna by faking his death.
however, this does make zianna lord of o'khasis. we love a girlboss.
the relics have different effects on their wielders; for example, esmund's relic makes its wielders a lot more physically dense, meaning that they'll sink into softer surfaces like sand and mud. xavier's relic turns its wielders hair red.
consequently, zane has red roots. he dyes his hair black (its natural colour) to hide them.
katelyn has the moniker of "the dragon of o'khasis". the phoenix drop gang mostly assumes that it's because she's ruthless on the battlefield... until she decides that the best course of action is to breathe fire at an opponent uncle iroh-style.
katelyn is also Stupidly superstitious. like. she fully believes in the sweater curse and will Refuse to walk under a ladder even if theres no other available path.
mys!nicole gets forever potioned. this has Consequences for the home gang during the events of s5-s6.
speaking of mys!nicole, her and dante are queerplatonic coparents to dmitri. they had him when they were in uni after a brief fling. he's the street's baby.
anyway i think thats abt it. lmk if u have any questions :3
(ps two days until day 20)
14 notes · View notes
stalkedbytrains · 7 months ago
Text
Assassin's Monthly: Retirement is Just Fine
“Come on Sugary,” she asked, her chin resting in her hands, green eyes following the broad woman with the surprisingly delicate hands. “All I’m asking is for us to go get two cups of coffee.”
“Oh it is two cups now?” asked the woman with the French accent and slightly graying dark hair. “A moment ago it was only one.”
“It’s a negotiation tactic,” the middle aged woman shrugged.
“I see,” Sugary sighed. “But you know I cannot stand the piss you Americans call coffee.”
“I’ll make you some. I’ll roast the beans and grind them all by hand. The whole shebang.”
“Not in that dreadful thing you call a kitchen. I cannot set foot in there in good conscience. Lilith, it would not know fine cuisine if it was painted on the walls.”
“You drive a hard bargain Sugary. Fine. I’ll redo my kitchen. Rip it all out and go down to the studs. And I’ll get a fancy, modern kitchen with all the amenities and then you’ll come over for four cups of coffee.”
“Oh, we are all the way to four now?”
“If I’m redoing my whole kitchen? Yeah, four,” she said with a smile. Before she could continue a man in an expensive suit and a stylishly unshaven face entered the armory.
“Sherry!”
“Chérie,” the green eyed woman corrected him. “It is French.”
“I knew that,” he grumbled as he looked over the woman that corrected him.
Her face was starting to show lines of age. The little black dress she had on showed off as many scars at it did tattoos that were all starting to fade slightly from time. Her hair was also showing signs of losing its luster if not it’s color. But her eyes were as bright and fiery as they’d ever been.
“Holy shit!” the guy all but yelled. “It’s you!”
“Sugary? Who is this guy?” she asked without taking her eyes off of him.
“Relax,” the French woman responded. “He’s a headhunter for the old men up north. The Council? The Cloakroom? Whatever they call themselves these days.”
“You’re her! You’re the Queen of the Kill! You are the top contract killer ever! Oh man, I was actually at the rally when you killed that Senator! Oh, please tell me you’re here because Sherry’s making you a gun. Please tell me you’re back.”
“Nope. Still retired,” she said as she took her finger off the trigger on the concealed pistol she had trained on the man. “I just come in every week or so to try and convince my favorite gunsmith to get some coffee with me. And every time it ends up with me doing something outrageous. Today I’m apparently remodeling my entire kitchen.”
“If you’re doing some construction, it’ll cost you some decent money, and I can offer you a super easy job that’s basically just cash in pocket.”
“I don’t take jobs from people off the street. Besides I’m retired.”
“I know, I know, you’re out of the game. You stopped working, what, six years ago?”
“Seven.”
“But come on, I heard you take some jobs you find interesting or if you’re unnaturally bored. Since you retired you did three jobs, right?”
“Four.”
“God the bidding war over your last job was insane! My employers were very upset we got knocked out so early. Come on, how much did they pay you?”
“Thirteen,” she said lazily, still looking at Sugary who was smiling slightly while filling bullet casings with gunpowder.
“Million? Holy shit! Who orders a hit for thirteen million?”
“Seriously? I have confidentiality stuff. And don’t ask me how many people they paid to have offed either.”
The man sighed, “Can you at least tell me who it was for? I swear it was one of the Sheikhs.”
“Nope, a Canadian.”
“Really?”
“The fuck do you think?”
“Ok, ok. But the Consortium will pay you a million and a half to kill three people by the end of the month,” the man continued with his pitch.
The woman rolled her eyes.
“Look, it’ll be super easy. Three targets. The only restrictions are that they all have to be taken out at the same time, and it has to be by the end of the month. I can give you half a million per head.”
Sugary shrugged.
“Make it an even two million and you’ve got a deal,” she said.
“What about one point seven five million and I get you a meeting with the Italian home designer Benito. He’s my brother’s wife’s cousin. He can redo your whole kitchen into the fanciest fucking kitchen to ever exist.”
Sugary raised an eyebrow.
Seeing the look on the gunsmith’s face, the woman sighed and said, “Fine. I was bored anyways. I’ll do it, assuming everything works out with your credentials and stuff. And I guess I’ll need a gun Sugary.”
“Sugary?” the man asked. “I thought you said it was Chérie.”
“It’s French for ‘sweet’,” Lilith said. “You know sugary sweet? Ah never mind.”
“I don’t know where she got it either,” Sugary said.
“Either way. I’ll need a new gun. I’ll need the lightest hair trigger you got, and as little recoil as possible,” the woman mused.
Sugary reached across the small counter top between her and the woman and grabbed her to pull her into a kiss that lasted a few seconds too long to be strictly friendly.
“Oh to make a gun for you again? It would be a pleasure!”
“And I guess I’ll have to bring the coffee here since you’ll be working,” the woman sighed.
“You know I won’t accept-“
“I know, I know,” she said as she stood up and moved to leave the room. “A double espresso from that one place, with one cream and four sugars. I remember.”
“Merci my love.”
10 notes · View notes
munchflix · 1 year ago
Text
MUNCHFLIX - STREET FIGHTER (1994)
Tumblr media
IMDB BLURB:  Col. Guile and various other martial arts heroes fight against the tyranny of Dictator M. Bison and his cohorts.
WARNINGS: Violence and just a whole lot of fucking weird shit
RATING: 20 Billion BisonDollars
OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: All reviews are done solely for humor and should not be taken seriously ever. If you cannot handle cursing, crude humor and probably some offensive things, pls do not read this.
Munch: So we're here again with the muthafuckin' street fighter movie which is so fucking great. Everything about this is absolute garb but it's so much fun. Raul Julia is putting his entire pussy into this absurd performance. Jean Claude Van Damme is the most hilarious "American" I've ever seen. His accent is so thick it hurts.
Biscuits: My opening thoughts are 'I'm eepy', okay?? (Biscuits is sleep-deprived again)
Dib: This movie was shot in a whole ten weeks and allegedly Jean Claude Van Damme was blasted off his ass on coke during the filming of this movie.
M: Watching his performance, I'm not at ALL shocked by that. ANYWAY. We open on uh...a really intense opening credit scene with a news reel talking about how bad M. Bison played by Raul Julia ( may he rest in peace ) is. Chun Li is reporting? Because she's a reporter in this?
B: Allied Nations, is this world war three???
M: Sort of, M. Bison is kind of the dictator
D: There's our man! I guess we just have like a hostage pit in M. Bison's doom dome? I forgot how shit the acting was. Raul was also years into battling stomach cancer when this was filmed.
M: VanDamme shows up as Guile and threatens Bison on the air which goes pretty well, you can't even understand his fucking accent.
B: I keep feeling phantom ants, like a meth addict. What is happening??
D: A lot, it doesn't slow down.
M: I'm trying to summarize but this goes like 100 mph. We've been introduced to Chun Li and Charlie and Blanka who are the same person, shut up, and E. Honda and DJ and Cami played by Kylie Minolgue.
D: Charlie and Blanka are different people in the game.
B: I don't understand what's going on
D: M. Bison has taken hostages and he wants 20 billion dollars from the government.
B: WHAT government???
D: THE government. Basically he wants it from Guile (vandamme) And now we're gonna be introduced to Ryu and Ken at a random street fight in a barbed wire electrified cage
B: These are Ryu and Ken??
Tumblr media
Y’know, Ryu and Ken from Street Fighter...
D: And Vega, who kinda looks like his character. And that's Sagat. Sagat and Ryu and Ken have historical beef but not in this movie.
M: This is so much to take in. I guess Sagat is trying to get Ryu and Ken to help him sell guns.
B: So this white guy and this asian guy meet Barack Obama in some weird asian nightclub and they throw tennis balls at them and now they're fighting.
D: This will be the only fight for like...an hour. Meanwhile in Shadaloo? We're back with M. Bison. In this movie, Dhalsim is not a yogi, he's just a scientist? They couldn't do the stretchy limbs thing but come on.
B: They are just firing characters at us!
D: Canonically Blanka is just a weird guy, not some super soldier they created in a lab??? And definitely not Charlie.
M: Back to Dhalsim and M.Bison who is torturing BlankaCharlie with nazi propaganda and stuff to make him BAD. Also Zangief is here staring confusedly in the background, which he does the entire movie and I love him so much.
Tumblr media
You can tell he’s being brainwashed because he’s wearing one of those photo-viewer toys from the 90s.
B: FUCKING OTTER POP JUICE LABELLED MUTAGENS DO NOT TOUCH! Can we fucking slow down please??
D: No! this movie does not. Now we're starting with another street fight between Vega and Rye-u or Ryu, it changes constantly.
B: I've seen better acting in a porno.
D: Ken looks like he belongs in a porno. Everyone is shirtless and the audience is horny.
B: That is not a real sword.
M: They could not afford real weapons.
B: When you don't have the money to score your movie, you can just throw in royalty free classical pieces! It’s not lazy or distracting at all!
D: But the fight is interrupted by a tank with Guile in it, and also 800 phone calls from Munch's mother.
M: That's not a joke, she’s called six times in the past half hour. Anyway, it's Guile. He's here with some guys that will not be relevant at all to the rest of the movie except maybe Cami but even then....and there's a spy guy.
B: Is that what spies do?? they just jump up in the middle of meetings and attack?? That's some good cold war espionage right there. What? Ken and Ryu are in jail eating scrambled eggs. That wasn't even a grammatically correct sentence.
D: Back in jail, they're all fighting for some reason.
M: Why?
D: I don't know. Guile is watching from above and back in Charlie's tickle basement, BlankaCharlie is being tortured again and there was a scream when his mouth was closed. Dhalsim is not happy with their methods though so he's gonna make CharlieBlanka look at nice things? they're making CharlieBlanka really swole by showing him bad things? and injecting him with dna otter pop mutagen.
Tumblr media
I had to put an image in here of this shit to show you just how much it looks like otter pop juice.
M: Makes perfect sense. Back at the movie! Refugee camp with uh...the allies?
D: Here's ken and ryu and van damme
M: I guess he JUST broke them from prison?
D: Ryu and Ken are not criminals.
M: Just lovers.
D: No Ken is married. Not to Ryu.
B: Yeah, I've never heard of a married gay man.
M: Guile's accent is murdering me, his one liners are just so bad. So so bad.
D: Ken and Ryu fake beef for some reason. Vega hasn't said a single word in this movie. Oh they were stealing the keys.
B: They just throw the keys up in front of everyone, just show em off.
D: And then Ken gives Sagat and Vega the keys anyway but now there's a prison break.
B: I like how the Allied nation guys just have like random flags on them
D: Well technically that's supposed to be where they're from. Guile is shooting down a van but he just got shot.
B: What is the PLOT of this movie right now???
D: Chun Li does an epic dodge roll and there's shooting and then Ken and Sagat kiss. Just kidding. GUILE IS DEAD.
M: He's not though. There's medics, and now elephants back in Shadaloo. M. Bison is making a mini replica of Bisonopolis because he's gotta have a monument to his ego. Chun Li is reporting again about how bad Bison is and how Guile is dead. For real.
Tumblr media
Reports have been coming in of a man posing as a health inspector in order to obtain free food.
D: DJ also didn't work for Shadaloo. Raul Julia M Bison's the hell out of this.
B: Is that what you want, M. Bison? Because I'm really confused about what your actual motivation is.
D: He's about to explain it.
B: So the evil leather daddy nazi wants to create an army of super soldiers to save everyone by...killing everyone?
M: Zangief sheds a tear and says Bison's speech was beautiful. He is my favorite. Everyone's alliances here are very suspect. There's a curfew now and stuff. Bad things are happening.
B: Why does Bison needs 20 million for this?
D: I don't know. Chun Li is apparently really a spy. Or a ninja. Or both.
B: She puts on like a bad balaclava and then she just like stealths up into the AN headquarters. Very sneaky. Apparently to sneak you just walk sideways in a black jumpsuit and put your hands up like oooooh.
D: She's got her very loud tracking thing and she's in the morgue, which is empty save ONE dead guy, being Guile. It's full of wet specimens in jars like any good morgue.
B: Oh fuck he's dead. I was so emotionally invested in this character.
M: I like how they just left him in his clothes. Like you do with dead bodies. No autopsy for Guile. He immediately has Chun Li arrested. She's got a sad backstory about how she wants to kill Bison for reasons.
B: I like the random classroom skeleton in the morgue. What war?? Is this just Shadaloo against the entire world?
D: Yep!
B: All the action sequences are so bad, she's just like speed walking away.
D: meanwhile at an illegal gun auction in Shadaloo....
M: Bison is sitting there while ppl who are definitely NOT Honda and Chun Li and Balrog in costume are performing. How did they get there? We don't know. Everyone is just in Shadaloo in a one kilometer radius but Bison doesn't notice.
D: and now Ken is horny for Chun Li but DJ is also horny for...someone. Ken is gonna get kidnapped.
M: Zangief is here, my special boy.
D: Ken is gonna get beaten by Chun Li because he's a scrub. Canonically.
B: Whoah pilot, I'm not that kinda guy. Bison and Sagat are getting a little too close.
D: Bison gives Sagat an entire case of "Bison Money" and says that it will be worth five times the pound when he kidnaps the queen. Which is a great line. Sagat gets mad.
Tumblr media
B: Thanks for that backstory, now we know that Honda and Balrog were a sumo wrestler and a boxer. Someone should have told them they didn't need to put every single fucking character from the game in the movie.
M: But they did. Chun Li is planning to blow the entire place to smithereens and she left a fucking video message to let them know about it because that's smart. QUICK, CHANGE THE CHANNEL! says zangief. He is so dumb and we love him.
D: there goes the entire budget
B: They had to buy so many bootleg fireworks for that one scene, it must’ve cost them like 20 whole dollars. Well, 20 dollars in 1994 money, so that’s like $2 million in today's money.
D: I don't really know what Ryu and Ken even do in this movie
M: I don't think they really do anything.
B: This feels like the climax of the movie but we're only 40 minutes in.
D: This movie is a non stop climax. Meanwhile in space....we're gonna geolocate M. Bison with some bullshit tech.
M: Shouldn't be hard to find everyone, they're all in the SAME PLACE. Somehow Ken and Ryu are now M Bison's personal friends for turning in Chun Li and her friends. We don't to see how any of this happened.
D: Balrog and Honda are going to the sex dungeon while Bison goes to personally sexually harass Chun Li.
B: I can't parse if what you're saying is true
M: No it's all true.
B: Ken has to tell the audience who the good guys are
M: Guile is back at the base giving his men a speech about getting into Bison's secret hideout.
B: Their only option is ONE single boat to get into Bison's ancient ruin hideout, okay.
D: meanwhile E. Honda is getting a spanking and he is no selling it. He looks bored.
Tumblr media
This is not a scene from a porno, I swear
M: Lots of experience getting lashes. Honda is gonna pull the chain right out of the wall because he's fucking swole. Zangief's accent isn't horrible, he's giving Ken and Ryu new oufits.
D: Ken's chest is covered because he's not actually buff. They're gonna just somehow communicate the two halfs of the map they saw? And here's Guile's speech which is so bad that his lips don't match because Van Damme was so out of it they had to overdub it
M: Guile tells a man he doesn't have balls and then he gets fired but it's fine because only Guile can fight Bison. The war is cancelled. No big.
D: He gives such an inspirational speech that everyone becomes war criminals and they're gonna go after Bison
M: I thought only one guy could get in there?
D: They're gonna follow him I guess. Guile gets in the bat boat mobile and he's gonna go kill Bison.
B: The real UN would've just been like - Please stop being a dictator or we're gonna write a stern letter.
M: Back in Bison's bedroom he's got Chun Li dressed like Chun Li and he's changed into his sex hat and sex robe and he's making an evil martini while Chun li exposits all over everyone about her tragic past.
B: In movies they have a thing called tell don't show, because why would you show something when you can just have someone tell us everything.
D: Back with Ken and Ryu and Honda and Balrog who have broken out but I guess they don't realize they're on the same side.
B: I do want Bison's giant bone chandelier. Hey do you wanna see my chandelier and my painting from John Wayne Gacy? ( that's really in there )
Tumblr media
( No, really )
M: Chun Li is still fucking talking about how Bison murdered her dad and girl, he does not care. He's the bad guy. Bison knows women though and he's like, you are harmless. But that's what she wanted him to think!
D: she casually breaks her handcuffs and kicks Bison's ass by kicking him twice. Bison pretty good at fighting, actually.....OH NO THE GAS G-GAS GAS
M: What kind of gas? Who knows! Bison escapes in his uh...evil elevator?
D: Back in Guile's boatmobile, which is his because he has his name on it.
B: Can this movie just....pick a struggle...
M: Nope! and now for the needle drop with Guile's little home video of him and Charlie and then we're back with Blanka who looks like the Lou Ferrigno hulk
D: time for more evil with Blanka. But anyway Dhalsim is gonna give Blanka some nice asmr videos.
B: I love the way fake techy computer stuff looked in the 90's
D: they show him dolphins and weddings and babies and happy things. By the way, the entire Blanka storyline is completely irrelevant.
M: no it's true, nothing ever comes of it at all. I don't now why they put it in the movie. I don't know why they put most of this in the movie. Only Zangief.
D: Speaking of Zangief...he's here. Vega says his one line. I guess everyone got caught again. Oh they got gassed in the room. So now back with Guile they're gonna stealth mode, which changes literally nothing.
M: They just machine gun down all of Bison's sensors. Dj's accent tells us that something verrrrry strange is going on in the river, it's the invisible boatmobile!
D: Anti Guile alarm! Apparently they have an anti stealth mode. So now they're gonna get out M. Bison's big special boy floating platform with video game controls on it. Zangief looks around confused that Guile is alive.
M: all zangief does is look confused until the end. Bison is unsurprised Guile is alive and he's gonna kick everyone's ass whenever Guile and Cami and whoever else get there but apparently he's just gonna press buttons and use underwater mines.
D: Bison blows up the boat but somehow Guile and everyone get out. Insert coin to continue. meanwhile they realize Dhalsim has been beaming good vibes into Blanka's head and they accidentally release Blanka but he's full of good vibes now.
Tumblr media
Yes, he does actually look this goofy.
B: They've just made a guy who's addicted to television.
D: Blanka in all his receding hairline glory is gonna save Dhalsim. the only thing he really does in the entire movie. So here's some Shadaloo guys getting beat up by Guile and T Hawk and Cami so they can finally infiltrate the secret aztec base.
M: Everyone is soooo stealthy. they just walk around and beat guys up. Good thing they have a sewer grate into the secret base. Guile and Co fall into a hole.
D: They're finally starting to look like their actual character counterparts. The movie is mostly over.
M: Bison's account has ZERO DOLLARS AND ZERO CENTS. Now he's gonna get mad. I wonder if he'd accept Bison Bucks instead of the 20 million.
Tumblr media
Relatable.
D: Probably. OPEN THE HOSTAGE CHAMBER. Guile has broken into this place in 20 seconds, directly into the Blanka chamber.
M: Why do they just have an aquarium. And he finds Blanka and somehow immediately knows he's Charlie even though he doesn't look at all like Charlie. Blanka grunts a lot.
D: CharlieBlanka sad.
B: That was easy! Guile is just gonna shoot him, but Dhalsim stops him.
D: Bison is like why have I not been paid? Bro, you're asking 20 billion.
M: Who even are these hostages, are they worth 20 billion?
B: Who even fucking knows??? Raul Julia is CHEWING the scenery
M: I love it. he's giving 30000 percent.
B: What is the point of this blanka shit? Why is this even in the movie?
M: they're gonna send Guile instead of Blanka I guess, even though Guile isn't a super soldier.
B: I love Zangief, he just stands around looking so confused. I feel that.
D: Guile does a 20 foot leap and drop kicks Bison who orders people to shoot the hostages and now everything is happening so much
B: Everything has been happening so much since it started
D: Everyone gets more naked and the AN is here and E Honda and Zangief are gonna fight for 20 minutes.
M: I wish that was all that happened. Guile is now outside shooting people somehow and I don't now where Bison is.
D: Honda bodyslams Zangief through a secret passage. So Bison finds out Blanka was being programmed to be good and he punches out the screen and now the allied forces are here and Ken kinda almost does a shoryuken.
M: This fight lasts the rest of the movie. Bison is like, DJ and I willl face defeat together and DJ is like, yeah I'm out. Ken is kind of an asshole in this movie. Rye-u and ken get mad and Ryu goes back to save people even though he's not getting paid.
D: This movie is a non stop car accident. Blanka is destroying things while Dhalsim yells. The smoke machine broke and Guile is shooting people and nobody knows where Bison is, including us.
M: But he's not! He's gonna call Guile out and they're gonna fight in man to man combat!
D: Guile has the american flag tattoo! They're gonna street fight.
Tumblr media
M: If his run in with Chun Li is any indicator, this should be easy. they show a video of Zangief and Honda destroying the model of Bisontopia with godzilla noises. I love this show. Bison and Guile are still fighting. Props to Raul Julia for fighting in that fucking outfit.
D: Balrog suddenly has his boxing skills back.
B: Where are the hostages?? In the hostage pit! Where do you think they are???
D: M. Bison has died.
B: He gets thrown into a control panel and dies.
D: No we haven't climaxed yet
B: ....but....fuck....whut...I think I've had an aneurysm.
D: Bison life support activated!
B: he has life alert!
D: His suit administers cpr, and now he's gonna use ELECTRICITY!
M: Meanwhile DJ is gonna grab a treasure chest that Bison has in his locker and get out. Ken is also looking for treasure but all he finds is a statue and a bad computer screen with icons but he does see Rye-u and yells at him. It's a trap!
D: Ryu gets ambushed by Sagat and Vega
B: I forgot they were in this movie
D: Bison is gonna fly.
B: Hold up *whispers* just for like...one second please.....WHAT. Why has the climax of this movie been happening for 80 minutes?
D: He's gonna fly. With superconductor electromagnetism. Yanno.
Tumblr media
He’s playing the bass and I’m flyin’! (Editor’s note: how many times have I made this fucking joke?)
M: I love Raul Julia so fucking much though oh my god. I miss him. Oh yeah Ken and ryu are fighting and shit and people are losing their shirts.
D: He kinda did a Hadouken. Ryu is gonna burn Vega in the incinerator but only a mild burn
M: Ken and Ryu unsuprisingly win and now they're gonna go to Dizzkneeworld. Bison is just flying all over and shooting lightning at Guile but he's got BIG KICKS and he launches Bison into the screens and he explodes.
B: Oh shit the energy field is unstable!!! Oh shit!
M: Balrog punches open the hostage room. Zangief and Honda are STILL fighting but Honda is like welll I gotta run and Zangief is like DJ! Come fight with me! And DJ is like dude Bison is the fucking villian. Zangief is again confused. Bison is a bad guy???? You got....paid??? He is best boy.
Tumblr media
D: Oh no the blast doors are gonna close! How are we gonna get out?? Oh it's ZANGIEF! Who somehow got outside and he's holding the door open and he's also much more naked. And now we're back with Dhalsim who is now bald and mostly naked and he's like nah I'll take CharlieBlanka out, we're fine.
B: WheaheIyeah???
D: And then the evil temple blows up and Cami and Chun Li kiss. Not really. All the Shadaloo henchmen are giving up
M: Zangief stands there proudly as a new good guy.
D: Sagat and DJ escape and now Sagat is shirtless but the treasure is actually BisonBucks
M: Everyone thinks Guile is dead but he's not and everyone is so happy to see him
B: He's been an asshole this whole time.
M: Everyone is good guys now!! And everyone is fine with that I guess. Chun Li and Guile have a little something something but it's kinda gross
D: Why is everyone horny for Chun Li?? Me at the entire Street Fighter Community.
B: Why is it still exploding?
M: The energy field
B: BUT WHY?? THIS WAS NEVER MENTIONED IN THE ENTIRE MOVIE UNTIL THE VERY END!! IT MAKES NO SENSE! ALL OF THE SUDDEN IT HAS A MELTDOWN??? WHAT THE FUCK IS THE ENERGY FIELD???
D: What happened to Blanka and Dhalsim? We'll never know
B: I don't know what happened, period. What the fuck is going on.
D: This is the most insane movie I've seen in my entire life. The breakneck pace does not stop, it starts at an 11 and goes up to a 14 real quick and stays there. Zangief is best boy,
B: w...what? I don't have anything else to say. What was any of that???? What? Why?
M: You're looking for meaning where there is none. It's beautiful chaos.
B: I will say one thing...there's NEVER a dull moment. Not a single one. You're not given a second to be bored.
D: How many stars would you give this movie?
B: Mayonnaise.
Tumblr media
12 notes · View notes
dayzedandconphused · 2 years ago
Text
daddy's little girl | self para
where: phoebe's flat when: friday 24th march description: phoebe's father calls to check on his only child
The last thing Phoebe needed was to be baby sat, but with her recent incarceration she knew there would be a certain amount of 'checking in' that would be done. Her lawyer, the police officer in charge of signing off on her community service, her father. No matter who it was, Phoebe was quick to reject anything and everything that looked like babying the blonde through the last few months.
That was, of course, aside from the leg up her father's connections (let alone his money) had given her when it came to a speedy and relatively stress-free release from serving her time. With the time, effort and coin invested in his child's freedom, the wealthy realestate mogul had taken to calling his daughter weekly to see how she was doing. With each call, Phoebe could feel her resolve deteriorating and it wouldn't be much longer until she told her father exactly what he could do with the fifteen minutes he seemingly 'found spare' for her every week. Even she was at school he had no time for her, so why now was he so interested in her life?
"A grandchild?!" Phoebe baulked down the phone, desperately looking around as if someone uninvited would be walking around her flat to overhear the two Robertsons talking, "What in the hell do you want a grandchild for?!" It wasn't often that Phoebe allowed her Scottish roots to be shown through her accent, but when speaking to her father it was hard for her to hide the twang from the north returning to her speech patterns.
"An heir," her father corrected, his tone as even as if he'd spoken to her of the weather outside his window, "I'm not getting any younger -- and who on earth am I meant to leave all of this to...?" Phoebe could practically hear the old man's hand waving flamboyantly around the den she assumed he was sitting in on the grounds of his favourite of the Robertson properties.
"I don't know Da," Phee hummed, clearly losing her patience, "Your actual child? Or have you decided to skip a generation?"
"You?" the old man practically hissed down the line.
It stung. Though the way he had so clearly decided to bypass her lineage in favour of a child she had no plans on having any time soon wasn't meant to make her feel good, was it?
"You cannot seriously thing the grounds can go to you," Christopher continued, his daughter tightening her jaw as she readied for his explanation, "A woman...? A woman who now has a criminal record because of how foolish she thought she could be with her body...?"
"Da, I told you--" Phoebe began, about to reiterate for the umpteenth time that she wasn't actually using her body in the way he seemed to think she was. She wasn't selling herself for money, she wasn't even promising herself as a prize to the man she had managed to extort money from. It had all been for the greater good of the Jabberwocks, though she wasn't about to spell that out for him.
"Looking like you did, you expect your mother and I to believe you?" Christopher spat down the line, "We saw the CCTV, you can't lie your way out of this. You're just lucky--"
Now, it was Phoebe's turn to interrupt her father, "I'm lucky what, Da?" she finally broke, "That a headline about your daughter being in trouble is a threat to you? I couldn't care less, but you? You're so desperate to make it seem like Ma and I are two beautiful trophies on your shelf you can't even fathom what you'd do if people found out I was arrested. You're the one paying to keep me away, aren't you? The flat, the line of credit... Hell, you're even the police officer who signs my forms. What's your other option? You cut me off and I have to come back up there - and God knows the trouble I'll cause."
Her father was silent.
"Tell Ma when you see her I'll be up to visit in the summer. When you're away to Spain."
3 notes · View notes
o5-blackbird · 2 years ago
Text
Visibility: Visible to all Word count: 786 Tw: arguing & minor misunderstanding
[Audio: a recording lasting about five minutes.]
As soon as the audio connection was established, some noises could be heard nearby. Every few moments, a soft scratching noise accompanied by an occasional chirp would be distinctly picked up in the audio, the birds seeming to be in the midst of playing.
But… As the audio continued, something else could be quietly picked up in the background. It was muffled as if it was coming from behind a closed door. It could only be heard distinctly if one were to listen very carefully.
There were two lightly familiar voices. One was softer and held a slight accent, sounding a balanced mixture of feminine and masculine as the person spoke.
“I did not intend to make you feel as if you were being left out or that I did not have as much respect for you-”
“That doesn’t change the fact that you did leave me out and that you did disrespect me. Whether it was intentional or not, you continuously pulled that shit,” The other person interrupted sharply in a lower feminine tone, the last few words holding a tinge of something harsher then the rest.
A pause of silence followed before the other person began to speak again, barely able to get a few words out before it was cut off once more.
“I-... I am very sorry but-”
“How the fuck was I supposed to respond to that? How was I supposed to respond to you telling me that I was making too much of a fucking deal of this? How am I seemingly the only person taking this seriously while you and Dogwood ran off on your – on our – fucking date night? How do you do that and then look someone in the eyes when they are trying to talk to you and trying to ensure that you’re not some fucking traitor and yet you still have the audacity to continuously excuse their concerns?”
“... I am so sorry… I did not mean to-”
“Stop saying that. You’re repeating yourself.”
“...”
“... Nobody wants to think about this possibility… It still needs to be taken seriously. Dogwood was nearly killed. Nine was killed. Now Mana Charitable is gone – only a few days after we had agreed to settle on more relaxed repercussions – almost as if they had been planning on using that time to make a break for it before we could change our minds. Now Anderson is leaning out of neutrality? You can’t tell me this is all a coincidence?...”
“I just-... I understand your concerns; I really do… But I cannot fathom how any of us would do this…? We have all been loyal since the start… I cannot understand why someone would change so suddenly? To switch loyalty to Mana Charitable out of all groups as well…?"
He paused for a moment before continuing. "I can understand Dogwood being targeted as a method of weakening our defense but–... I do not see any reason for Nine to be targeted…? There were not any other attempted attacks identified, this was not an organized attack on the entire Council – which would certainly make more sense but this–...”
Blackbird trailed off.
The seconds began to pass, slowly trickling by; as if neither were going to make any effort to fill it, as if none of it needed to be filled, as if to admit it were to bring it to truth.
But… As the seconds passed tensely, Blackbird was finally the one to break it.
“I respect you, Maya… God, I respect you. You have been a constant source of stability in every function of our roles, our time, and everything. For that, I admire you beyond reason… Though… I cannot bring myself to accept that any of us – or any of those that we have entrusted to work directly beneath us for so long – would commit such an act…”
He trailed off for another moment before saying a few more quiet words. 
“You mean the world to me. I encourage your efforts and I share the belief that they are noble but… Please do not hang yourself on fruitless efforts.”
Another silence followed. Then quiet distant rustling of fabric as if someone were retrieving something before a few hollow steps could be heard leading further away; Green exiting.
“I-... I am sorry… Green, are you alright?...”
“I am fine. Don’t apologize… I am-..." Someone could be heard sniffling softly in the gap of quiet. A single time, followed by more silence before she continued, her words a bit more stiff. "I feel unwell. I am sending Eight to stay with you for tonight. I do not want company at the moment.”
Blackbird remained quiet for a few moments before answering. “Oh… Of course… I am-... Okay. Please take care of yourself…”
A door could be heard softly opening. “I always do,” she responded gently.
Just as quietly as the words had drifted from her lips, the sounds of another couple of quiet footsteps and a door gently but swiftly closing could be heard.
Soon after, the audio excerpt ended.
3 notes · View notes
depresseddepot · 3 months ago
Text
watching alien 3 for the first time
why doesn't she just explain to the doctor??? he seems okay if a little intense at times
i can't believe they just threw bishop away :( i heard his death gets retconned but tbh i don't actually know what that word means
the vibes of this movie are way different than the others lol the dark cement structures, the religion, the weird emphasis on ripley as a sexual figure
poor pubby :(
the doctor is the only normal and sane person on this fucking planet
RIPLEY WHY ARE YOU FLIRTING WITH A MAN ON A PLANET OF PRISONERS. YOU CANNOT BE THAT HORNY. WHY DID THEY TURN HER CHARACTER INTO THIS. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE VERY SUBTLE VIBES BETWEEN HER AND HICKS
DID SHE SLEEP WITH HIM??? girl. i am too asexual to understand this behavior. and i still don't understand why she won't tell him. also i assume he isn't an android if they fucked because otherwise i DEFINITELY would have heard about it
I'll admit, it is very refreshing to have a character taking these sorts of pathogen/mysterious deaths seriously. ripley has always been very clearly unsettled when she's talking about the xenomorphs and nobody ever seemed to take her seriously
JAGSHSJJAHA "listen to me you piece of shit" WITH THE CUT TO CLEMENS POLITELY DRINKING COFFEE W THE POSH "I'm sorry I don't think I understand"
I'm starting to get worried about what exactly clemens "did" lol, he's on a planet of rapists and I don't really want to spend the whole moving kicking my feet about a professional, polite british man who turns out to be a rapist
bishop :((((
there isn't ACTUAL sexual violence in this movie right. right?
OH LITERALLY SECONDS AFTER I FINISHED TYPING THAT THERE WAS ACTUAL SEXUAL VIOLENCE
"i gotta re-educate some of the brothers. we have to discuss some matters of the spirit" calmly says the man with a bloodied steel pipe
this is such a bizarre setting for an alien film lol. it isn't BAD i guess, like a shift from the norm isn't automatically bad, but it's very unexpected. like when I think of a high security WY prison planet I don't really think of concrete walls and religious fanatics. more like......hospital? with mostly synthetics as the staff
BISHOP!!!!!
"I'm just a glorified toaster" BISHOP I MISS YOU
"I'm home" "It's very dark here" interesting. So he reads the flight recorder unit sort of as if he can visualize it?
I'm excited to watch andrews die. what a bastard.
clemens you are starting to quickly become an obsession of mine. you cannot put a polite doctor with a british accent and a subtle layer of snark to everything he says and not expect me to jump him. you better not disappoint me.
oh he's even got TRAUMA
aaaand he's dead. okay I guess I should've expected that. that one feels MEAN though
sadly adds another fictional dead british man to my list of favorite characters
so i think i know a little more abt this than i thought. The xeno didn't kill her because she's got the parasite right?
the scenes of her running in the hallway are really cool tho
did I miss why aaron doesn't like being called 85? oh it literally answers that less than minutes later okay LMAO
wait DOES ripley have a parasite? she isn't really behaving like she does like why is she flexing her hands like that
so there's a specific queen parasite ? i sort of thought one BECAME the queen because how else would they cause an infestation
he wouldn't kill her 🙄
the cgi (if that's even what its called when the alien is basically photoshopped in) on the xeno is not good (it is very 2004 so I'm not sure if it's just a sign of the time) but the scenes from the xeno POV in the hallway as they're baiting it is pretty cool to watch
it...survived?? that feels inaccurate
IT EXPLODED???????? that also feels inaccurate
also very convenient that ripley's parasite has taken so long to gestate
BISHOP????????????????????????????
oh he's a human creep. okay. also who the hell designs an android that looks exactly like themselves. he definitely wanted to fuck that robot
also the way the subtitles call him "bishop 2" THATS RIGHT MOTHERFUCKER!!! HE AINT THE PRIME BISHOP
okay final thoughts: if this WASN'T an alien franchise film, ie it was a different universe w a different monster with different characters, it would have been pretty good. It had some cool cinematic moments but it was all negated by the fact that they completely discarded what happened in the second film and made ripley's character really odd. If it had been a random family in cyrosleep that was boarded somehow and then crashed, it would've been much more intriguing than making this an alien franchise film. I don't think it was horrible as a film but it was a horrible alien sequel to be sure.
Also given how dynamic a character Clemens was, I find it really fucking weird that he wasn't the last survivor. They did so much to set him up as an intriguing character and then they just killed him, meanwhile the last survivor was MORSE OF ALL PEOPLE. They could've had a sequel to the sequel with Clemens studying the xeno and they wasted it. I think this was all a bad dream ripley had and she and hicks and newt are going back to earth.
1 note · View note
terras-diary · 1 year ago
Text
game review - final fantasy xvi
Tumblr media
some context: the only thing i knew about this game was it had a medieval setting. literally did not bother to look up anything about it, i kind of got the feeling there wasn’t much out there to begin with. 
the story: the world and lore of ff16 is interesting. the idea that the crystals were bad and causing environmental problems, even though in the short term they helped society so much, you could tell it was a comparison to our world. similar to the whole environmental overlords and their private pinkerton army which was final fantasy 7. but how the story and game progression actually played out? well that’s kind of a different story.
it was much longer than it needed to be. after each story mission you always had to backtrack to our hideout, just to watch a cutscene to lead to another story mission. the plot never really picked up, it was always stilted and held back by the fact you never felt like you did much. you could all but guarantee that whatever you did would be met with, ‘let’s go back to the hideout.’ i just always got the feeling of we were in the first fetch-quest part of the story before it was suppose to pick up, but it just never did. 
it would have flowed so much better if you could just cut out the middle man hideaway cutscenes, like just keep going!! why do we keep traveling halfway across the globe just to turn back!! keep moving forward!!!
the characters: the two main characters (i contest jill being a main character, even if the ffwiki says otherwise, btw) were so bland. clive was just some guy, and jill was just there. pretty much every other characters whether good, bad, or neutral outshined these two wet blankets. i will admit they had their moments. for jill in particular when she killed that priest. this isn’t a dig on the voice acting, i actually thought it was okay, but just how those two are written... ugh....
clive was just noctis if he wasn’t a twink and didn’t have his iphone. he had black hair, was a prince, had a dog companion, and had antagonist induced headaches.
don’t even get me started on their ‘romance’. good lord. they were just together because clive was a man and jill was a woman. remember how i said i knew nothing about this game? yeah for like the first four hours of this game i thought they were siblings. it didn’t help they looked exactly the same. (on that note, i thought benedicta was anabella pretty much until her history with cid came to light.) 
speaking of anabella, literally what was her problem. she is the most cartoonishly evil villain i have ever seen in a piece of media that wants to be taken seriously and have a dark/gritty vibe to it. genuinely, why was she like that. i wanted her and benedikta to play a larger part but they never really did. i find the women of this game were severely undermined larger parts which i think they could have fulfilled. (the misogyny......)
another thing about jill, though: she is practically written out of the story after having sex with clive and giving him shiva!!!! what the fuck! she was practically demoted to a npc. and there was a sidequest to cheer her up because even the writers knew they threw her to the wayside after putting out! in the above paragraph i wrote the misogyny halfly joking but the more i think about it i am very serious.
ultima, oh ultima. you had buttholes for eyes and gaping holes for ears. when he was a mysterious character, i enjoyed the mystique, but after a while it just kind of wore off. the mystique i am interested in is leviathan the lost. that was a cool concept, i was wondering why some more common final fantasy summons did not make the cut. guess they are just lost eikons.
my favorite character: barnabas, the mega dilf. he was hot as fuck, i cannot tell a lie. his accent was hot as shit too. i love crazy men. and that other white haired motherfucker was his got damn horse. 
the battling: like it was okay, half the time i pressed R1 to defend it never worked. i guess i just couldn’t time it right. it was still pretty easy though. i played on the action focused version and the only time i really got game over were during the eikon fights and when i tried my hand at the s rank hunts.
the eikon fights, wow. some of the highest highs and lowest lows of this game. the beginning fights were pretty interesting, all the good things about them culminated in the hugo kupka fight. that was the best fight of this game, full stop. it was somehow cinematicly choreographed while still having some stakes that required you to actually try to beat it. i’ve never had more fun in a modern game’s fight than this battle. the subsequent bahamut and odin fight, well.... uhh..... they were definitely battles. 
this is kind of fits in the under characterization as well but, there is no dialogue when you are on the field between clive and any of the npc party members. it is absolute silence, i forgot who was in my party half the time because they were mute.
side quests: i did all the side quests that popped up and all the hunts bar the s ranks (because i thought i may be under leveled.) there were a lot. it was definitely a chore. a lot of characterization for secondary characters were found in the side quests that i thought should have made it to the main scenario, but whatever. by the end i was sick and tired of it, such a fucking slog.
other odds and ends: i liked walking around the map and finding all the little places, that felt rewarding. but the treasures you would find were absolutely useless. you’d get an abundance of crafting materials, yet there were so few recipes you’d learn (which most were single use creations i.e. armor and weapons) that you were left with an overabundance of useless shit. maybe it picks up in the post game? i haven’t really played the postgame much, maybe it changes. at least for the main scenario, completely and utterly useless.
overall: well, it wasn’t the worst final fantasy (8 and 12, i am looking at you two.) all modern games pale in comparison to their predecessors of the 1990s and 2000s. i will always believe this i think. ff16 is definitely better than other modern games i’ve played. but the hay day of the final fantasy franchise where a game could be enjoyed by anyone while also not really having any glaring problems is over. the final objectively great final fantasy was 10. i enjoyed 13 and 15, but they just aren't as good. the same can be said for final fantasy 16. it was alright.
ok, i think that’s all i have to say right now. maybe i’ll think of more later.
1 note · View note
stayxlix · 1 year ago
Note
I kept reading🧍‍♀️
I actually can’t do this anymore. "What makes you think I'm not just using you like the rest of them?” USE ME. NO SERIOUSLY. USE ME. BY ALL MEANS. FEEL WELCOME TO. LITERALLY GO AHEAD. NO ONE IS STOPPING YOU.
“He drew out the last word, voice coarse and low and thick with that damned accent, and suddenly you had never needed anything quite as badly as you needed to become something that Felix considered "his".” I PHYSICALLY CANNOT GO ON HELP. YES YES YES YES. THANK YOU. THIS SENTENCE IS JUST- YUP YUP YUP.
“No. You needed him to make you his, in every possible way.” I-
I need to stop typing bc very soon I will say something that I shouldn’t when I’m not on anon.
“If you couldn't keep yourself in control tonight then you would at least be the one to decide how you lost it.” SHE’S SUCH A BOSS I LOVE HER MORE THAN I’VE EVER LOVED ANY Y/N
“You’re obviously torn. Let me help you.” And before he had the chance to respond, it was you who moved to close the space between your lips. For the first time, it was you.”
NOBODY IS DOING IT LIKE HER SHE’S SO GJDMBVMDMVNVMDJD I LOVE HER BUDDY I FVCKING LOVE HER
“You grabbed his wrists, pulling them down and shifting your bodies so that you were now the one pinning him against the wall.” AS YOU SHOULD. AS. YOU. FVCKING. SHOULD. At this point I’m in this for her not even Felix pls.
“You broke the kiss to remind him of their impending arrival, but he only took your momentary distraction as an opportunity to take hold of your waist and push you back against the wall, reclaiming control.”
My knees are out of service rn. My brain too.
“Felix was well aware that they could be here at any second. He just didn’t care... “Say it again. My name princess.” He growled against your lips,” THIS WHOLE PART!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM FIGHTING BACK SCREAMS. PLEASE PLEASE I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF ANYMORE. THE WAY HE ASKED HER TO SAY HIS NAME THE WAY HE- BYEEEEEE. GOODBYE WHAT COMES AFTER THIS IS TOO MUCH HELP I NEED A BREAK BECAUSE MY *[retracted in order to maintain a tranquil ambience]*
I want to discuss every sentence in that part I'm almost commiting plagiar!$m with the amount of scenes I'm quoting in these asks💀
“Panting heavily, Felix pressed his sweaty forehead against your own. It had taken every single fiber in his being to keep from touching you again, when all he could think about was bending you over and fucking you right there against the wall until you cried pretty tears of pleasure from your pretty eyes.” DO IT!!! BE MY GUEST. PLEASEEEEEEE. I LITERALLY DON’T CARE ANYMPRE.
Ok wait let me come back down to earth we have a plot to go through with. Can my brain pls understand that. We have a WAR to deal with.
...aand we're back.🤭 i'm so glad you kept reading (and lived to tell the tale lmao) lets get right to it..
okay so.. this whole scene before the others arrive may have been (it most definitely was) the first scene i wrote before i even decided to make this story into an actual fic so i am LIVING for your the fact that you chose this specific scene to break down and make an entire separate ask for because it holds such a special place in my heart (as do you)
"I need to stop typing bc very soon I will say something that I shouldn’t when I’m not on anon."
you know where to find me..hop on over to my dms dont be shy
"SHE’S SUCH A BOSS I LOVE HER MORE THAN I’VE EVER LOVED ANY Y/N" "NOBODY IS DOING IT LIKE HER SHE’S SO GJDMBVMDMVNVMDJD I LOVE HER BUDDY I FVCKING LOVE HER" "At this point I’m in this for her not even Felix pls."
AGAIN YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH THIS MEANS TO ME. since this is my first time writing anything like this literally ever i had no idea how scary it is to create an original main character but it is actually TERRIFYing to put yourself out there like that (infinite respect to all of the content creators on this website) and the fact that you have said this more than once i need a minute-😭💕💕
"THIS WHOLE PART!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM FIGHTING BACK SCREAMS. PLEASE PLEASE I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF ANYMORE. THE WAY HE ASKED HER TO SAY HIS NAME THE WAY HE- BYEEEEEE. GOODBYE WHAT COMES AFTER THIS IS TOO MUCH HELP I NEED A BREAK BECAUSE MY *[retracted in order to maintain a tranquil ambience]*"
LET IT ALL OUT BESTIE. I AM HERE FOR IT ALL. FORGET TRANQUILITY BC OUR MAIN CHARACTERS CLEARLY HAVE AT THIS POINT-
"Ok wait let me come back down to earth we have a plot to go through with. Can my brain pls understand that. We have a WAR to deal with."
a war that can wait one more night…🫢
1 note · View note
useless-catalanfacts · 3 years ago
Text
On the public radio of Spain (RNE), payed with tax money.
I would like to know what do they think is so funny.
For those who don't understand Spanish, they're making fun of Catalan language use in TV. Transcription and translation:
SP: Van a hacer remakes también como Stranger Things será "Coses Estranyes" [risas], El Juego del Calamar será "El Joc del Calamar" [risas]
ENG: They'll remake it like Stranger Things will be "Coses Estranyes" [laughter], Squid Game will be "El Joc del Calamar" [laughter]
But this is already the case in Spanish. If you have Netflix Spain, Squid Game is called "El Juego del Calamar" (which simply means "Squid Game" in Spanish), that's just how translation works. Why is "El Juego del Calamar" (Spanish) normal but "El Joc del Calamar" (Catalan) so unthinkable that it causes so much laughter?
Besides, the woman who is speaking (who obviously doesn't speak Catalan), didn't even learn to pronounce those words right (estrinyis? really?) and is using an exaggerated mocking accent to ridicule Catalan.
Catalanophobia is so normalized in Spain and so integrated into the minds of so many people (as a result of, precisely, listening to this kind of sh*t all the time on radio, TV, newspapers, magazines, irl conversations, politicians, etc) that the mere thought of the Catalan language being used in public in something like Netflix become absolutely risible and unthinkable.
And this affects us too, because Catalan is so mocked that people want to distance themselves for it, so the use of Catalan language is quickly declining among young people because they think it's "uncool", "ridiculous" and not fit to talk to their friends or in public (thought they'll often speak it to their parents and grandparents), while Spanish has been made to be "cool", "respectable", "the normal thing", "the international language that everybody understands".
The Catalan language and culture have been persecuted for centuries, illegalized for half of the 20th century. Now we are legally allowed to speak it in some ambits (not all, we still cannot have a full life in Catalan) but at the cost of being ridiculed, not taken seriously, and facing consequences (for example, in Catalonia only 7.4% of trials are conducted in Catalan -the rest in Spanish- because many people fear they'll get harsher punishments for having defended themselves in Catalan).
I don't want my tax money to go to mocking my existance, nor the existance of other national minorities. But this is how Spain keeps us in line, police violence and this. This is how you make a culture so ashamed of itself that it gives up.
324 notes · View notes
karahalloway · 1 year ago
Text
Liam called Dr. Russo on the way to the hospital and asked her to meet them there. “Probably should have taken her to Disneyland with us,” He told Drake,
Omg - can you imagine? Riley would probably try to murder her / try to escape her! 🤣🤣🤣
Dr: Riley. You are 8.5 months pregnant. You cannot go on this ride.
R: Okay, what about this one? It's--
Dr: No.
R: *getting increasingly agitated* What about this--?
Dr: Out of the question.
R: 🤬
“Uh…me! I told you this was a bad idea, but did you listen? Nooooooo! No one ever listens to Drake, he’s just the overly serious, overly grumpy one, no one takes that guy seriously!” Drake threw his hands up in the air while shaking his head as his voice got louder, “I don’t know why I even try to warn you people about shit! It’s a waste of fucking breath, is what it is! You don’t listen, she doesn’t listen! Nobody fucking listens and I know what the fuck I’m talking about! I’m literally always right about these things, but does that change any damn thing? Does it?”
🤣🤣🤣 Drake:
Tumblr media
Drake wasn’t done with his rant though, “It does not. It does not! No matter how many fucking times I’m right, no one ever thinks, oh, maybe we should listen to Drake…he knows what he’s talking about, remember all those times we didn’t listen to him, then wished we had? Remember all those times he turned out to be right and not just an overly serious, grumpy fucking asshole?”
I'm dying 🤣🤣🤣
Liam waited for a moment to make sure there wasn’t any more forthcoming before asking, “Are you done?” “I just want it on the fucking record that I was right and that I fucking told you so!” “So now you’re an ‘I told you so’ kind of guy?” “When have I ever not been an ‘I told you so’ kind of guy? Because you know why, Li? Do you fucking know why?” “Why, Drake?” “Because I fucking told you so, that’s why!”
Tumblr media
🤣🤣🤣
“Okay!” Liam threw his hands up in the air as his body thumped back into the leather seat of the SUV they were riding in. “It is noted for the fucking record, we should have listened to Drake! Are you happy now?” “Eh.” Drake held a hand out and tilted it from side to side.
Tumblr media
Hard man to satisfy, eh?
Xander started to cry from his spot on the sofa that graced the far side of the room. “What’s wrong, Xan? Buddy?” Liam asked gently. Xander pointed at Leo, “That dog!” Everyone turned to look at Leo, who looked down at the Pluto t-shirt he was wearing with a sigh. Before he could process what was happening, Ellie shot across the room and delivered a well executed sucker punch to his gut then darted over to Drake, retreating behind his back for sanctuary.
Omg the poor guy CANNOT catch a break!!! 🤣🤣🤣
Tumblr media
Leo fumbled the food he was holding. He managed to grab it as it fell, but the lid flew off the shake, most of it sloshing over the top of the cup and spilling down the front of his body. He managed to pull the grease soaked bag into himself but copious amounts of chili soaked through the bag and onto his new shirt. “Son of a bitch!”
And omg it just continues!!! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
“Well, thank you, Miranda.” He drawled out slowly, purposely emphasizing his Cordonian accent. Miranda’s eyes widened before she hurried out of the room.
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Laying it on thick, eh, Rys? 🤣🤣🤣
Tumblr media
“I don’t care, you’re forgiven, flirt with all the nurses you want, hell, bang a few of them, just gimme the food, please!” Riley reached out with both hands and made a grabbing motion. Leo held the bag just out of her reach, “Who’s your favorite brother-in-law baby?” “Bertrand. Now give me the damn food!”
Tumblr media
Not only did Riley prefer to keep her baby in the room with her, but Drake had pretty much insisted on it as a matter of security.
Agreed - not sure why they need taking away... In the UK they did all the checks and exams right there in the room with us.
“I don’t think eating that steak is going to be a problem.” Leo said, “I mean, you just had a whole baby and you’re still hot as hell.” “Shut up Leo.” The other three men said at the same time.
He's gonna get booted from the room in a minute!
Tumblr media
Liam grimaced a little, “Thanks for blowing our cover.” “I hate to break it to you, little bro, but your cover was blown the minute you had an entire hospital floor cleared.” Leo swiped at his phone a few times then shoved it under Liam’s nose.
I mean...
Tumblr media
“Queen Riley Rys of Cordonia rushed to UCLA Medical Center after giving birth at Disneyland!” The headline screamed. “Well fuck.” Liam said.
Agree - that was surprisingly fast... Even for the paps... 🧐
Liam nodded in understanding, “We want to pay for your medical education.”
Tumblr media
Max turned to Leo with Jace in his arms, “Do you want to hold him?” Leo looked around in confusion, “What? You mean me? I…I don’t know anything about babies…” “Except how to make them.” Liam snorted. “It’s easy, we can show you how.” Max responded. “Oh, I, uh….sure.” Leo looked and sounded anything but sure.
Hahaha love how flustered he is 😆
“Like this?” Leo asked uncertainly. “Just like that.” Liam patted his shoulder. “You’re doing great!” Max encouraged him. “He’s holding a baby,” Drake shook his head, “It’s not rocket science.” Max leaned in and whispered, “Ignore him. You’re doing great.” “Are you sure? He seems fussy, maybe he doesn’t like me…” Drake snorted, “Then he’s got good taste already.”
Omg Drake's on a vindictive roll, isn't he? 🤣🤣🤣
“What’s that got to do with- Oh! Why is he making that noise? What’s happening?” “He sounds like he’s trying to poop.” Max responded. “Here, I’ll take him.” But it was too late. Jace’s grunting got louder as he pulled his legs up and a black tarry substance exploded out of the leg of his diaper.
Tumblr media
“Oh…oh shit!” Leo exclaimed as the front of his shirt got soaked, again. He was getting used to it. “Literally!” Drake laughed.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Tumblr media
Liam took Jace so Leo could pull his shirt off. “This isn’t funny anymore.” “Yes, it is.” Drake chuckled. “Fuck you, Walker.” Leo held his middle finger out to the other man before walking out of the room looking for the hot nurse.
The visual of this!!! I literally howled!! 🤣🤣🤣
I have to say, all the chapters were funny - especially the first one - but this honestly took the cake! I was laughing at every single line!
Tumblr media Tumblr media
Bad Romance Disney Adventure Chapter 5: Bickering
Miniseries: Bad Romance Disney Adventure
Main Series: Bad Romance
Fandom: The Royal Romance
Pairings for series: Riley x Liam, Liam x Max, Riley x Max, Riley x Drake, Riley x Leo (past)
Rating: MA
Warnings for this chapter: Language
Word Count: 2,431  
A/N: Listen. I know I said chapter 5 would be the last chapter, but to be fair I also said that about chapters four and three so.... ya'll should know by now never to believe me on series length! Once again, things just got away from me. But this time I promise that chapter six will be the last one because it's mostly written pending proofing and a bit of minor tweaking and that's all there is for this alleged miniseries. (When does it just become a whole series?) There might be an epilogue though (Ok, there is, it's mostly written already too.)
A/N 2: Thank you @harleybeaumont for bouncing ideas and prereading snippets. Thanks again to @queen-arabella-of-cordonia for the ask for Jace's birth and @nestledonthaveone for the BR gang at Disneyland ask. They launched this series.
My other stuff: Master List.
Tumblr media
Liam called Dr. Russo on the way to the hospital and asked her to meet them there. “Probably should have taken her to Disneyland with us,” He told Drake, “But live and learn. Who could have foreseen something like this happening?”
“Uh…me! I told you this was a bad idea, but did you listen? Nooooooo! No one ever listens to Drake, he’s just the overly serious, overly grumpy one, no one takes that guy seriously!” Drake threw his hands up in the air while shaking his head as his voice got louder, “I don’t know why I even try to warn you people about shit! It’s a waste of fucking breath, is what it is! You don’t listen, she doesn’t listen! Nobody fucking listens and I know what the fuck I’m talking about! I’m literally always right about these things, but does that change any damn thing? Does it?”
“Well-“ Liam tried to answer.
Drake wasn’t done with his rant though, “It does not. It does not! No matter how many fucking times I’m right, no one ever thinks, oh, maybe we should listen to Drake…he knows what he’s talking about, remember all those times we didn’t listen to him, then wished we had? Remember all those times he turned out to be right and not just an overly serious, grumpy fucking asshole?”
Liam waited for a moment to make sure there wasn’t any more forthcoming before asking, “Are you done?”
“I just want it on the fucking record that I was right and that I fucking told you so!”
“So now you’re an ‘I told you so’ kind of guy?”
“When have I ever not been an ‘I told you so’ kind of guy? Because you know why, Li? Do you fucking know why?”
“Why, Drake?”
“Because I fucking told you so, that’s why!”
“Okay!” Liam threw his hands up in the air as his body thumped back into the leather seat of the SUV they were riding in. “It is noted for the fucking record, we should have listened to Drake! Are you happy now?”
“Eh.” Drake held a hand out and tilted it from side to side.
Liam blew out a breath of frustration. He leaned forward and asked the driver to hurry.
By the time Liam and Drake reached the hospital, Riley had already been settled into the hospital’s most luxurious, private VIP room. Dr. Russo was with her and there was a young nurse bustling around the room.
“Riley is doing great!” Dr. Russo greeted them, “Jace is in the nursery right now, I’m on my way to check on him next. I’ll be right back.”
Dr. Russo exited, but the door swung open again almost immediately.
“Sorry I’m late.” Leo called out as he barged into the room.
“You’re not late,” Drake snapped at him, “How can you be late to something you weren’t invited to?”
“Oh, I was invited!”
“By who?”
“By Riley.” Leo answered, glowing with satisfaction.
“No, she didn’t…did you?” Drake spun to Riley for answers.
Riley smiled as she reached out toward Leo hopefully, “Did you bring it?”
“I brought it-“
Xander started to cry from his spot on the sofa that graced the far side of the room.
“What’s wrong, Xan? Buddy?” Liam asked gently.
Xander pointed at Leo, “That dog!”
Everyone turned to look at Leo, who looked down at the Pluto t-shirt he was wearing with a sigh. Before he could process what was happening, Ellie shot across the room and delivered a well executed sucker punch to his gut then darted over to Drake, retreating behind his back for sanctuary.
Leo fumbled the food he was holding. He managed to grab it as it fell, but the lid flew off the shake, most of it sloshing over the top of the cup and spilling down the front of his body. He managed to pull the grease soaked bag into himself but copious amounts of chili soaked through the bag and onto his new shirt. “Son of a bitch!”
“No!” Riley gasped, concerned about her dinner.
“Oh, you poor thing!” The nurse exclaimed. “Here, let me help you!”
Leo sat the food down on a counter as the nurse grabbed a towel out of the bathroom. She took the towel over to him and started wiping him up. Leo put his hands up in the air and let her rub the towel all over his torso, then he pulled his shirt off. Again. The young woman looked up at him and flushed.
“Uh…. You know I could go get you some scrubs, if you want.” She offered.
“That would be great miss…..what’s your name?” Leo gave her his best dimpled smile.
“Ah…I…Miranda.”
“Well, thank you, Miranda.” He drawled out slowly, purposely emphasizing his Cordonian accent.
Miranda’s eyes widened before she hurried out of the room.
Drake turned to Riley, “You saw that, right? He flirts with everyone, you see that, right?”
“I don’t care who the hell he flirts with, Drake. Why would I?” She asked dismissively.
Leo defended himself, “I’m just having fun, Riley. No one holds a candle to you, baby!”
“I don’t care, you’re forgiven, flirt with all the nurses you want, hell, bang a few of them, just gimme the food, please!” Riley reached out with both hands and made a grabbing motion.
Leo held the bag just out of her reach, “Who’s your favorite brother-in-law baby?”
“Bertrand. Now give me the damn food!”
“Wait a minute....” Leo’s eyes narrowed, “Were you just using me to get food?”
“Obviously. But look at it this way Leo, tonight you were able to give me something that none of these other three boneheads were.”
“You’re right.” Leo grinned as he handed over the food. What was left of it anyway.
Liam gaped at her in astonishment, “If you wanted food Riley you should have just said so! One of us would have gotten it for you!”
“Bullshit, Liam! I did say so! Multiple times, but no one was listening to me! You were all too busy cooing over the baby! And I get it, he's adorable and precious and beautiful and perfect and wonderful but God damn, I did just push a seven pound baby out of my hoo haw. Can mama not get a little attention?” Turning back to Leo she continued, “This is what happens once you give them babies, you are no longer the center of attention! Babies are little attention stealers, that's what they are!”
“Riley, you know that's not true!” Liam pinched the bridge of his nose. Drake and Riley were both full of attitude today. Maybe Disneyland hadn’t been his greatest idea.
Drake threw his arms up in the air, “What the fuck, Riley? You just remarked today on how obsessed I am with you!”
A frown spread across Max’s face as he told her, “I spent all day catering to your needs!”
“We all spent all day catering to your needs!” Liam insisted.
She grinned up at them from around the cheeseburger in her mouth, “Calm down, I'm kidding.” Cutting her eyes back to Leo, she gave him a conspiratorial wink, “Mostly.”
Miranda the nurse came back with a scrub top for Leo.
“You’re an angel.” He told her with a wink as he pulled it on. “What time do you get off work?”
While Leo was busy hitting on the nurse, Dr. Russo returned with baby Jace, “Here he is. I know you guys want to room in. He passed his physical with flying colors, so he won’t have to go back to the nursery.”
Not only did Riley prefer to keep her baby in the room with her, but Drake had pretty much insisted on it as a matter of security.
Riley fed him again then handed him to Max who walked around the room rocking him while singing Beatles songs. Liam and Drake also took turns holding him. Leo alternated between keeping Riley company, hitting on the nurse, cracking jokes with Liam and playing on his phone.
Dinner was brought in, and everyone ate, including Riley who was still hungry, “I’m eating for two, shut up.”
“Literally no one said anything about it.” Drake told her.
“Eat as much as you want, love.” Liam said.
“Yeah, and then have some dessert!” Max added.
“I don’t think eating that steak is going to be a problem.” Leo said, “I mean, you just had a whole baby and you’re still hot as hell.”
“Shut up Leo.” The other three men said at the same time.
“What?” Leo was genuinely confused, “It was a compliment.”
“What they’re saying is that they love me no matter what I eat or if I gain weight because of it. The fact that you don’t see the difference is why I married your brother and not you.”
When dinner was over, Ellie and Xander took turns holding the new baby carefully in their laps, while sitting down next to an adult who provided maximum supervision. Jax looked at him, but didn’t seem that interested.
“He’ll be more fun once he’s moving around, buddy.” Max promised.
“I’m going to check in with the security team. I’ll be back.” Drake gave a Riley and Jace both a kiss on the forehead before leaving.
When he came back, he wasn’t alone.
“Look who I found downstairs.” Drake called as he came through the door with Jason, their Disney tour guide and Jace’s namesake, in tow.
“I just wanted to stop by and make sure everything was ok. Of course, there’s no one on the maternity floor named Riley Smith.” He glanced around the room hoping someone would enlighten him.
“Yeah, I told Liam that was a lame alias.” Riley agreed.
Liam sighed, “Really, love? It was effective. No one questioned it until you started yelling about being queen and Drake outed the security team-“
“Hey! We needed security!” Drake sounded offended.
“Oh yeah,” Leo decided to spill the beans. “My brother is the king of Cordonia.”
“What?” Jason’s eyes went back and forth between Leo and Liam, expecting Liam to tell him Leo was just fucking with him. But he didn’t.
Liam grimaced a little, “Thanks for blowing our cover.”
“I hate to break it to you, little bro, but your cover was blown the minute you had an entire hospital floor cleared.” Leo swiped at his phone a few times then shoved it under Liam’s nose.
“Queen Riley Rys of Cordonia rushed to UCLA Medical Center after giving birth at Disneyland!” The headline screamed.
“Well fuck.” Liam said.
Leo showed the article to Jason next. Jason’s mouth fell open, “Ok, I knew you guys were rich, but I was thinking like one of you was a celebrity or a tech CEO or something, not fucking royalty! Oh, shit, I’m sorry!”
“You’re good.” Max told him, “Riley and Drake cuss like sailors, no one here is going to be offended by the use of the word fuck. Plus, you delivered our son so you’d get a pass regardless.”
“He’s right.” Drake interjected, “But I’m going to need you to sign some NDA’s since you now know who we are and the nature of our relationship.”
“Oh! I…uh…sure.” Jason agreed.
“You work at Disneyland to pay for medical school?” Liam asked him.
“Yes.”
Liam frowned slightly, “I’m certain it would be better for your studies if you could devote yourself to them fulltime.”
Jason smiled wryly, “I’m sure it would, but unfortunately, bills don’t pay themselves.”
Liam nodded in understanding, “We want to pay for your medical education.”
“What? That…I can’t…I mean, that’s too much, I barely did anything!”
“Nonsense! You took charge of the situation, kept everyone calm and delivered our child. You were a godsend.” Liam clapped him on the back, “What’s your last name?”
“Withers.”
“The Jason Withers scholarship fund. You’ll be the first recipient.”
“I…that’s…wow, just wow! I don’t know what to say, thank you! Thank you so much!”
After Jason held the baby, made some small talk with everyone, signed the NDA’s and gave Liam all his contact information for the scholarship, he bid them goodnight and took his leave. “I have an early class in the morning. It was so nice meeting you all.”
“Keep in touch!” Riley told him.
“Yeah, I will.” He said in bemusement, touching his cell phone which now had the queen of Cordonia’s personal number stored in it. He was still a little in shock as he left the room.
Max turned to Leo with Jace in his arms, “Do you want to hold him?”
Leo looked around in confusion, “What? You mean me? I…I don’t know anything about babies…”
“Except how to make them.” Liam snorted.
“It’s easy, we can show you how.” Max responded.
“Oh, I, uh….sure.” Leo looked and sounded anything but sure.
Max placed the wriggling bundle in his arms. Liam showed him how to cradle the baby correctly. Drake just scowled at him from across the room.
“Like this?” Leo asked uncertainly.
“Just like that.” Liam patted his shoulder.
“You’re doing great!” Max encouraged him.
“He’s holding a baby,” Drake shook his head, “It’s not rocket science.”
Max leaned in and whispered, “Ignore him. You’re doing great.”
“Are you sure? He seems fussy, maybe he doesn’t like me…”
Drake snorted, “Then he’s got good taste already.”
“Of course, he likes you!” Max assured him, “You’re his uncle!”
“I mean….am I?” Leo asked skeptically.
“Leo.” Liam sighed, “This child is a Rys by every measure that counts.”
“Other than DNA, right?”
“Swear to God.” Liam responded, “Why are you so hung up on DNA? You have seven children carrying yours and have you ever even met any of them?”
“What’s that got to do with- Oh! Why is he making that noise? What’s happening?”
“He sounds like he’s trying to poop.” Max responded. “Here, I’ll take him.”
But it was too late. Jace’s grunting got louder as he pulled his legs up and a black tarry substance exploded out of the leg of his diaper.
“Oh…oh shit!” Leo exclaimed as the front of his shirt got soaked, again. He was getting used to it.
“Literally!” Drake laughed.
Max brought him another towel and helped him wipe it up. “I’m sure you could get that nurse to bring you another shirt.”
Liam took Jace so Leo could pull his shirt off. “This isn’t funny anymore.”
“Yes, it is.” Drake chuckled.
“Fuck you, Walker.” Leo held his middle finger out to the other man before walking out of the room looking for the hot nurse.
49 notes · View notes
munchflix · 1 year ago
Text
MUNCHFLIX - INDIANA JONES & THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL
Tumblr media
IMDB BLURB:  In 1957, Indiana Jones becomes entangled in a Soviet plot to uncover the secret behind mysterious artifacts known as the Crystal Skulls.
WARNINGS: Adventure violence and scary imagery
RATING: One Shia LaBeouf orange juice commercial
OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: All reviews are done solely for humor and should not be taken seriously ever. If you cannot handle cursing, crude humor and probably some offensive things, pls do not read this.
Munch: Okay here we are, gonna watch Indiana Jones and the crystal skulls. The fourth and arguably the worst of the series, but I actually like it. I don't think its any worse or campier than the other movies.
Biscuits: Dib is joining us. We saw this in the theater! I actually remember this one better than the other ones, which we've been rewatching, but we wanted to review this one because it’s bad. We might’ve reviewed the new new one but it’s only in theaters right now. Also, my tumbler makes very nice asmr sounds :)
Dib: I don't remember anything but Shia LeBeouf and aliens.
B: I forgot Harrison Ford was like, hot in the old Indiana Jones movies. ‘Adventure violence and scary imagery’, I love that for us. Harrison Ford is in this as an old man.
M: He still kicks ass as an old man so... We open on a rousing car chase.
B: This movie happens in the 50's, they have to make sure we know that by having Elvis music and these kids in their very obvious 50′s getup.
M: The kids are trying to get the Nazi dudes to race them and they do for some reason.
B: No those are U.S. dudes.
M: My bad, they're racing our dudes right to a nuclear test site! No, those are definitely Nazi guys.
D: Does this movie just look this crusty?
B: I don't know why they went through all the trouble of disguising themselves as Americans when they just straight-up shoot the army guys. They’ve got a guy in their trunk, it's Indiana Jones. And some other guy.
M: They're actually Russians apparently. I can't keep track of all these bad guys.
B: Cate Blanchett is in this movie too! She's the main bad guy. These guys have really great Russian accents.
M: They need Indy to go into the really special American warehouse where they keep all the really important artifacts and find the alien.
D: Cate's hair is giving serious Edna Mode vibes.
B: You right, you right.
Tumblr media
No capes!
M: Her accent is...awful. She thinks she's psychic or something. Or wants to be.
D: This IS area 51. In a big warehouse in Nevada.
B: Where they put the ark of the covenant in the first movie!
M: I didn't think area 51 existed then but okay. (we googled it and yes it did, it just wasn’t really known as like the ‘alien place’ back then)
B: He doesn't remember anything! He's 85! Also, the ark of the fucking covenant is in here! You could take literally anything else and it would probably be a pretty effective superweapon! Why do you need the alien???
M: Indy needs gunpowder to find the alien so he throws it in the air and it floats straight to the alien and doesn't need to obey gravity or anything.
B: The lamps or guns or swords aren't affected though.
D: Maybe it's stainless steel.
B: Who makes a fucking sword out of non-ferrous metal???
M: The magnetic field is very picky. They found the box tho and suddenly the crowbars are affected but not guns or anything.
D: Non-ferrous guns. Or pins or buttons or anything.
B: But now her sword is magnetic, and their dog tags, and their guns...
D: They're gonna put that in a car? Engines and magnets don't really get along.
M: So they get it open and it's an alien, no spoilers though. Irina (cate blanchett) is really excited. Indy tries to take out the Russians but his sidekick guy Mac turns on him and is apparently working for the Russians because money.
B: Why is she sometimes British?? Oh it’s because Cate Blanchett is British. Indy manages to drop the gun so perfectly that it shoots a guy in the foot and creates instant panic. The Soviets kinda suck at their jobs.
D: They did suck at their jobs!
B: They're just gonna drive around destroying all these priceless artifacts! All those boxes were empty apparently. I'm gonna have to go on a aliens rant at some point. I remember seeing this as a child and thinking...that's dumb.
D: That's the ark of the covenant!
Tumblr media
B: To quote Griffin McElroy - I don't get a dinosaur. I know they found like crazy shit like the holy grail but that's at least grounded in some sort of real-world mythology or theology but aliens??
D: I think the Dial of Destiny is just something they made up. The second movie took a pretty hard left turn too with the stones.
B: But to connect all this to crystal skulls?
M: I don't think that's that weird tbh. They've always been a source of weirdo mysticism.
B: But they're not...real. I mean like, they’re real things that exist, but they’re not actual Mesoamerican artifacts. Whatever, Ancient Aliens type vibe.
M: Anyway....Indiana Jones got thrown through a window, and he landed on some nuclear control panel with a giant Russian guy.
D: He's mostly getting his ass beat.
M: He does that a lot.
B: One thing you gotta give Indy, he can take a beating!
M: Indy and the Russian get sent on a rocket test thinger and now they're all dizzy and trying to kick each other's asses still.
D: That was a lot of g force, to be fair.
B: And Indy hides behind a dune and the Russian guys just can't find him. Indiana is very sweaty already. The sweatiest man alive.
M: Indy is hiding out in a nuclear test site which he thinks is a real town initially until he realizes everyone is mannequins. Oh that's bad.
D: I don't think people knew what these were back in the day - but they did know what an air raid siren was.
M: Indy at least knows it's not good! The Russians do too though and they are outski.
B: And he survives by a hiding in a fridge.
M: They were lead lined back then!
D: There goes the entire budget. Also Indiana Jones is dead as shit. If he survived the blast he would not have survived the radiation.
B: Don't run towards the mushroom cloud! Didn't you ever watch Duck and Cover?? Wasn’t that like mandatory viewing back in the day??
Tumblr media
Damn the intro to Fallout 4 looking different than I remember.
M: They do treat him for radiation, he's getting a good scrub down in an American....place... where he's being interrogated about his two timing buddy Mac.
B: Aliens, nuclear warfare, it does fit the vibe of the 1950's.
M: Indy somehow, despite having been there (at fucking Roswell btw) doesn't know what was in the box.
B: This is my favorite episode of X files.
M: The FBI or CIA or whatever think Indy is a spy, because we need more drama. Indy is back at college teaching his classes which he's been doing for 800 years.
B: This is exactly that scene from the first movie.
M: Except he's about to get fired, but Jim Broadbent is gonna try and talk him down though. Charlie is his name in the movie. I don't see how him resigning is gonna help Indy tho. Indy is gonna go to somewhere and get another job. Charlie bemoans the state of society.
D: What's happening?
B: His dad was Sean Connery, was he dead by the time this came out?
M: Yes. (Editor’s note: No he wasn’t. He died in 2020. Please don’t ever listen to anything Munch says.)
B: Oh yeah Shia LeBeouf is in this movie -  an even bigger leap than aliens. Also he looks like James Dean. Dib is right about the lighting, it makes the movie look so cheap. This whole scene looks like a goddamn orange juice commercial.
M: Mutt (Shia) runs down Indy and is like HEY DO YOU KNOW ABOUT OXLEY HE HAD A CRYSTAL SKULL AND HE'S MISSING. And Indy is like, oh shit Akator?
B: The Mitchell-Hedges skull is fake af but I guess we didn't know that in the 50's.
D: This movie is boring.
B: I think Indy is making things up at this point. Akator, city of gold, all this nonsense. He doesn’t believe in any of it but come on man, you found the ark of the covenant!!! Shia LaBeouf is...not a very good actor.
M: Mutt seems kinda put down that Indy is just a teacher because he needs someone to rescue his Mom but now there's KGB agents coming for them. They want the letter with all the important stuff on it that Mutt gave Indy because somehow they know about all this already. Mutt and Indy start a fight.
Tumblr media
When in doubt, punch a guy!
B: That's his solution to everything, start a fight.
M: To be fair, it seems to work every time.
B: We gotta have another rousing vehicle chase, these movies love a car chase.
M: Bring me a sugar cookie.
D: Indy just got dragged like hell into the backseat there. Nobody calls the police, I guess they didn't have cell phones and shit but nobody alerts the authorities?
M: I don't know, they're busy. Indy and Mutt drive through an anti-communist rally and the KGB dudes run into a statue. Now they're gonna drive through a library because it looks cool and so Indy can deliver a one liner. Are you drinking more margarita?
B: I don't want it to go to waste! The amount of sugar in it is probably worse for me than the alcohol.
M: Indy is now deciphering the letter which is written in Koihoma, because Indy knows like 8000 languages. Indy says it's a riddle from Oxley.
B: The lines in the earth only gods can read would be the Nazca lines.
M: You get an A.
D: Only gods can read. Or planes. I guess the KGB guys left them alone so they could get to Peru.
B: I like how they stopped over in Cuba.
M: They land over in Peru I guess, and find out Oxley was there but they thought he was bonkers so they locked him up. Indy apparently rode with Pancho Villa.
B: Mutt's mom thinks he's a goof! Sorry ma, I goofed up!
D: There's a bad guy, you can tell he's bad because he's smoking
M: They go visit Oxley's uh... cell in the sanitarium and find a lot of scrawl about abliens and Akator and Mutt is sad
D; Why does Shia look like he's gonna cry?
M: He's sad! Ox was like his dad.
Tumblr media
B: He just looks like he got maced.
M: Indy does a quick sweepy and finds a map on the floor that Ox left leading to the cradle of Orellana where he died, or whatever...?
B: They really are throwing in any sort of myth or weird thing they can think of related to Mesoamerica or South America. Not a lot of action so far, mostly like solving puzzles.
D; You can infer all of that from some scrawl? I guess so because here we are at this Dark Souls location all of the sudden.
M: Indy and Mutt transition to the death place of the conquistador that nobody has ever found except apparently Oxley.
B: There's some spooky guys in Party City skeleton masks, and Shia falls down a ladder.
Tumblr media
D: I need a gif of that in my life. Here comes the screaming skeleton dude, he knows kung fu apparently. They have magic holes they can crawl through apparently.
B: Indy reverse blow darts a guy, brutal.
D: You're a teacher? Not anymore! He just got fired!
M: I guess they're all gone now so on with the looting.
D: Crit success on the perception check for Indy.
B: These movies are basically Dnd campaigns anyway. Oh no, scorpions!
D: Here I am.....
B: *laughs* Rock you like a hurricane!
M: Indy and Mutt find some elongated head skulls and Indy is like well they did head binding which is true. Indy makes another amazing perception check and lucks into a secret passage that leads directly to the perfectly preserved conquistadors.
D: What class is Indiana jones?
M: Rogue
D: Can rogues use whips?
B: I think so?
M: Indy tears open a wrapping and finds a perfectly preserved dude who immediately disintegrates, but then Mutt finds one that's open already and omfg its got THE CRYSTAL SKULL which looks like it's full of saran wrap. I love how random the magnetic effect of the skull is. It just works whenever it wants on whatever it wants to work on.
D: Indy drops the skull and it shatters into a million pieces, movie over. Thanks for the exposition, Mutt
Tumblr media
So nice of the crystal show to finally show up in its own movie.
M: Indy thinks this must be the skull from Akator that Ox found and then brought back but he doesn't know WHY he brought it back.
B: Ox was like, oh shit crystal skulls are fake, back to the hole!
M: As per usual, the second Indy finds something, someone is there to take it from him. In this case, Mac and his Russian friends who take Indy and mutt back to their Russian torture camp and tie Indy to a chair to mess with his brains.
B: The conkwisstadors found a city of gold that Mac wants to find because he just wants money.
M: Cate Blanchett and her accent have returned
D: And just as quickly, it leaves!
B: Oppenheimer didn't make up that line, he quoted it - but Indy knows that! Because he's smart and cool
D: Stop assaulting Indiana jones here man, she's like groping him
Tumblr media
Please send all your hot Indiana Jones x Irina Spalko fanfics to munchflower.tumblr.com ( please do, I’m really bored. - Munch )
B: Even Indiana Jones doesn't believe this alien bullshit, he's like oh come on. The aliens have crystal skeletons.
D: What makes them think if they find the alien city that the aliens are gonna be like - hey it's cool, you want a prize?
M: But here's Oxley played by John Hurt but he's not okay in the head. Just a little bananas. The Russians blame the skull for Ox's condition and want to use it on Indy so he can interpret Ox's madness. No really.
B: This is...a lot. I know the other movies were a lot but just being like, anyways aliens and psychic channels and it opens up an undeveloped part of the human mind and fucking WHAT? Am I actually watching Ancient Aliens right now?
D: There's been no action, this is dragging on forever.
B: This is also taking itself waaaay too seriously.
D: This was 2008, they weren't allowed to be campy anymore.
M: True, sadly. Anyway, here's some alien brainwashing with Indiana Jones.
B: The Russians want alien bones to control people's minds. I guess it's not that much weirder than Nazis wanting the ark of the covenant to take over the world. That's a fucking polygraph machine!
Tumblr media
Tbf all a polygraph machine does is monitor your heart rate and shit
D: You ARE the father!
M: Cate gives a rousing speech about taking over the world.
D; Guided meditation with Cate Blanchett and an alien skull.
B: What direction did they give Harrison ford?? “Look like you’re being controlled by aliens and just kinda jiggle around for a while?” This movie is...worse than I remember.
M: Mutt tries to step in and Indy is like, go ahead and kill him idgaf - but now here’s Marion from the first movie!
B: Half this movie is just references to the first movie!
M: Indy is like, this is your fucking kid?? But Marion still kicks ass and she's not having it. Indy then goes and sits with Oxley and he's like, oh hey he's doing automatic writing which is obvious to literally nobody but Indy.
B: Ox is literally speaking in riddles. This movie is 90 percent solving riddles
M: Indy of course can magically decipher these automatic writing pictographs because he's just that smart.
B: Mutt has an "emotional" moment with Ox but it's not very good. Acting.
M: Indy is too excited about solving the riddles to realize he's helping the enemy. But Mutt has a plan, and it’s the classic indiana jones plan: start a fight.
B: He's learning. Also setting things on fire, they do that a lot in these movies too.
M: Indy and Marion and Ox all run away but quicksand.
B: Oh dude, oh fuck, quicksand! I don't know why I'm so excited about that. Actually it’s not quicksand, it's dry sand. Indy tells Ox to get help. From who, the Russians??
M: that's literally what Ox does tho. Marion tells Indy Mutt is his kid while they're slowly sinking into a sand pit and Mutt comes back with a giant snake instead of like...a vine or something and Indy is like uh...no I'll die.
B: Snakes aren’t slimy. That poor snake :(
D: It's not a real snake.
B: I know but....
Tumblr media
What do you need alien skulls for? Just annihilate all your enemies with this fucking thing!
M: Ox shows back up with the Russians! And now they're driving through the fucking jungle in a car with a cowcatcher with blades on the front. Mutt and Marion have a bit of a fallout over the dad thing.
B: But Marion and Indy are gonna spend this whole time arguing which is honestly pretty in character.
M: Indy starts another fight because why not, and again it works and he and Mutt somehow get free to go start kicking Russian ass
B: That's a damn sharp switchblade Mutt has, cuts right through everything.
D: *laughs* The car is just jiggling while Indy beats people up
M: This car chase goes on forever.
D: That didn't destroy the engine?
M: They're Russian cars, they're built different. Indy doesn't ever get shot despite guns going off one foot away from him.
D; Cate might be psychic but she has terrible aim
M: Mutt finds one of Cate's swords so he can fence.
D: Indiana can take down a whole cavalcade of cars but then he can't punch out one guy?
M: Mac tries to tell Indy that he's actually a double or triple agent and he’s on Indy's side now but come on, why would you trust this guy?
B: They had that whole conversation about how Mutt used to fence, that's like a, y’know, Cosgrove's fish. Chekov's gun!
M: Biscuits is a little tipsy. Mutt is holding his own against Cate somehow while his mom gives him pointers. The skull makes a hollow ‘boing’ noise when it hits someone. People have changed cars like 30 times at this point.
B: A little goofy.
M: We haven't even gotten to the ants yet. Shia gets caught in some vines and then he literally Tarzans this shit back to the convoy. No really.
Tumblr media
Shia LaBeouf has returned to monke
D: You can't kill them! The Russians need Oxley or they can't find the thing!! They need him!
B: Doctor Joanes. That was straight up British.
D: Monkeys! Get em monkeys! Monkeys are ruthless.
M: Now the ants. Giant killer ants, like you have in wherever they are in South America.
B: That's a really big ant.
M: I did say giant. Now Russian and American alike are about to be devoured by ants.
B: Ants are doggedly pursuing them, a literal fucking wave of ants. But then they get tackled as they’re fleeing the ants.
D: It's the part where Indy has to fight a huge guy and nearly lose but then not.
M: It's a staple.
B: But apparently the skulls psychic powers work on...ants....so ox is gonna keep them away.
D: PROTECTIVE SHIELD!
Tumblr media
Activate alarm! Cannot approach!
M: The giant Russian is down! And it's ant time for him as they file into his face hole and carry him into their giant ant hill. and they're all gone now and no longer interested in anyone else. Back to the car chase!
D: So they're gonna rappel down the cliff
B: Marion is gonna drive off the cliff.
M: She does tho and lands perfectly on a branch that allows them to drive into the river and the branch snaps back up and kills like four Russians, because movie.
D: Good thing those vehicles are amphibious. I wanna go on this Disneyland ride.
M: They go over a waterfall but there's actually three fucking waterfalls and somehow they keep landing in the boat and not losing the skull or their lives.
D: How many licks does it take to get to the center of Akator??
B: Good thing the water they landed in is also shallow enough for them to stand up in.
M: Indy is like, I'll take the skull the rest of the way because the skull told me to but I guess you guys can come too. Now they're inside the fucking stone skull cave at the bottom of the waterfalls and there's a giant temple full of weird paintings.
B: For real, Ancient Aliens type beat. The aliens taught them irrigation and farming and shit.
M: I understand Ox...someone came. *no comment*
Tumblr media
B: All of the aliens will...come
M: Why do they assume those are aliens?? They found skeletons with elongated skulls earlier that were human so why are these definitely not human?
B: Because they're in the alien place?
D: Wait, where did these people come from??? How did they get there??? HOW?
B: they were just hanging out, waiting for people to come so they could attack them and it would look cool for the movie.
M: The random natives are kicking everyone's ass but then Ox does the skull thing he did to the ants and they all are like oh shit and they leave.
B: The Russians are like - a tracking bug! We should go to the conspicuously skull shaped cave in the waterfall!
Tumblr media
D: How does Cate even find these tracking devices? She doesn’t have a tracker, she’s just finding them on the ground?
M: How does Ox know how to get into the obelisk, he didn't do this part before.
B: The skull told him I guess. Saaaaaand.
M: They start breaking the faces off the obelisk and letting the sand out so it will go down and open the secret passage to the aliens?
B: This whole movie is a mcguffin. I know the other movies were all about mcguffins but this one is getting ridiculous.
D: Good thing they're all clean and dry still.
M: Why did the aliens put a spike trap inside the obelisk that leads to the aliens?
B: The people who worshipped them built it I guess, in case someone was trying to steal their artifacts, but they're actually trying to return one so....
M: Mac starts immediately stealing stuff because he's never been in an Indiana Jones movie before and doesn't realize that's BAD. Also mac is leaving more tracking devices because he's a quadruple agent.
D: He's a double triple quarter pound agent. The Russians just shot the natives.
B: There are artifacts from every early culture in here because the ALIENS WERE ARCHEOLOGISTS!
M: The skull starts humming, like you do, and Indy is like, I gotta press it into this hole and whammo the door will open.
B: The aliens just bonk their noggin into it to open it.
M: And now the alien room with the alien skeletons.
B: We built this city...they built it so they could sit around and just look cool in this room forever or fuck I don't know. They're aliens, god knows what they're doing. They're not dead, they're just like dormant.
Tumblr media
Return the slab or suffer my curse...
M: But here's Cate and her accent again and she’s like, they're a hive mind!
B: How does she know this?
M: Who knows. She's gonna take the skull though and stick it back on the alien skeleton and it just shwoomps back on because magnets.
B: Look, Indy has seen things you have not seen, he's seen people get melted by artifacts, he's not gonna gamble with the aliens.
M: But Cate is! She demands to know everything the aliens know and well...she's gonna. The eye sockets of the skeletons start....smoking a little.
B: Oh yeah by the way...the temple is like...a fucking SPACESHIP or something, Oh my god.
M: Mac is still stealing stuff while the temple crumbles and the c-gen aliens start forming into a singular hive mind alien thinger.
B: ‘Inter-dimensional beings’, yeah whatever, they’re fucking aliens.
M: And there's a portal to another dimension
B: Back to their fucking home dimension or whatever, because we couldn't suspend our disbelief for SPACE aliens but if they’re just from another dimension it all makes sense.
M: Indy and the gang all get out and run away while Cate sees the universe through the eyes of the aliens until her head explodes. Indy tries to save Mac but alas...his greed kills him.
D: You asked for it, Cate
B: The alien looks kinda angy.
Tumblr media
*dib and biscuits laugh*
B: And she disintegrates! Not in a cool gory way, her eyes just burn and she turns into dust. Get knowledged.
M: Indy and the gang somehow get propelled out of the temple by rising water and into the jungle.
D: God this movie looks so bad! The lighting and the c-gen looks so bad. and now the aliens are just gonna fuck off, I guess. Adios!
B: I must go, my planet needs me. Back to alien town. Indy just watches. Ox says some cryptic shit, ‘to the space between spaces’, what the fuck does that mean?? Their treasure wasn't gold, it was KNOWLEDGE!
M: Shia and Indy are like, WHY DIDN'T YOU LOVE ME DAD? Ox has also apparently been cured of his indefinite madness now.
B: I guess everything turned out alright in the end!
D: And he's fine and he's cleared with the CIA! Indy got his job back! I melted the KGB with science so it's all good.
M: Indy and Marion get married because of course they do,
B: Things didn't work out so well the first time but why not.
D: Lookit this happy little family.
M: They set it up like Shia is gonna take over the mantle but he doesn't. I'm tired of typing.This movie is stinky but I still like it. It’s very silly.
B:I forgor that this movie came out at a time when 3D movies were EVERYWHERE, like literally every movie was in 3D even if it didn’t need to be, and sometimes they tried so hard to shoehorn 'cool 3D moments’ into a movie so hard it was to the detriment of the movie. And so many of those exact scenes are in this movie, and they haven’t aged well.
D: Movie bad.
M: You don’t get much more concise than that. Munch and Biscuits (and sometimes Dib out, yo)
Tumblr media
6 notes · View notes
nnightskiess · 4 years ago
Text
𝐛𝐫𝐢𝐝𝐠𝐞𝐫𝐭𝐨𝐧 𝐢𝐦𝐚𝐠𝐢𝐧𝐞
₊° - 𝐛𝐫𝐢𝐝𝐠𝐞𝐫𝐭𝐨𝐧!𝐬𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐱 𝐞𝐥𝐨𝐢𝐬𝐞 𝐛𝐫𝐢𝐝𝐠𝐞𝐫𝐭𝐨𝐧
₊° - 𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: when anthony invites one of eloise's possible suitors over for dinner at the bridgerton house, y/n makes sure the boy will not want to come back.
☾ ⋆*·゚:⋆*·゚:⠀ *⋆.*:·゚ .: ⋆*·゚: .⋆
"But Mama-"
"The arrangements are done- he's coming over. We can't change the plans on such short notice. It would be rude if not raise questions. You cannot break a promise."
"I would rather get hit by a carriage than-"
"Eloise! Don't you finish that sentence." A stern look from her mother shut her up, but not before she let out a frustratingly loud groan as she let herself fall against the sofa next to her sister, Y/N.
"Hugh is a sweet man, just give him a chance."
Y/N closed her book with a loud clap at her mother's last attempt and watched her leave the room.
"Anthony hasn't learned one bit after last year with Daphne! I don't even know the boy and he has already invited him over to- wipe that smug smile off your face, Y/N! You'll be next."
Y/N straightened her back and wiped a crease out of her dress, "I'm just smiling to myself, is that such a crime?"
Eloise made a face and crossed her arms, "Well, what about?"
"The Durrell boy..." Y/N shrugged and looked away noncomittally. "It's not a bad thing to invite him over."
Eloise scrunched up her nose in disgust. "Thought you'd have my back?!"
"No- listen, let him come over... he'll not want to come back after he's done with dinner." Y/N raised her eyebrows and a small smirk appeared on her face as she watched Eloise put two and two together.
"Good luck with that," Eloise let out a breathy chuckle. She admired how her sister never seemed worried or bothered by the world and if she did, Y/N would find fun ways to lighten the mood. She didn't even seem too worried about the fact her debut was close and whenever Eloise brought it up, she'd just shrug it away.
"Mama will have our heads."
Y/N Bridgerton rolled her eyes and leaned in closer. The two sisters were alone in the tearoom, but she needed to be sure no one was lurking through the hallways,
"Remember when Colin's bed was filled with ants and he got scolded because Mama thought he had left some sweets in his room that had attracted them?"
Eloise nodded at the childhood memory and motioned Y/N to go on.
"Do you really think they crawled into the bed by themselves?"
Eloise gasped playfully, "Oh, how unladylike of you, Miss Y/N." She teased.
"He broke my violin when he was mad at me, it was his own fault."
"Remind me to never get on your bad side."
Y/N stood up and held out her hands for her sister to take, "You will never, you're one of my favourites. Now come on and let me help you, we have some planning to do."
☾ ⋆*·゚:⋆*·゚:⠀ *⋆.*:·゚ .: ⋆*·゚: .⋆
Violet Bridgerton hastily adjusted Eloise's dress before taking a quick glance at her children standing in line-- they all looked neatly dressed and had gentle smiles on their faces, just perfect. She smiled nervously and watched as Anthony welcomed the Durrell boy inside.
However, she got more nervous when Eloise curtsied and smiled as bright as she could. It didn't take a fool to know the girl was up to something, and every Bridgerton sibling tried to hide their laughter when Eloise spoke next-
"Oh, how wonderful to see you, Mr Durrell. I hope your carriage ride hasn't been too unpleasing?"
Y/N quirked a brow and let out a snort, only to be nudged in the waist by her mother. Even Hugh Durrell himself seemed taken back, for the previous times the two of them had talked, Eloise had always seemed uninterested or rude.
"No, not at all, my lady." He smiled bashfully and handed his hat and coat to the family's butler.
"I have looked forward to this night ever since my dear brother told me the news." She glared slightly at Anthony before the smile on her face reappeared, "Shall we get seated? Yes, we shall- follow me." She linked her arm with Hugh's and tried to walk to the dining room as elegantly as possible.
Violet held her forehead in frustration and worry before following her children through the hallway, trying to mentally get ready for whatever Eloise had in store for them. When Y/N sat down on the other side of Eloise, with a mischievous grin that matched her sister's, Violet knew enough.
"Y/N, darling, why don't you come sit next to me tonight?" Their mother tried to appease her with a warm smile, wanting to sabotage whatever plan the two girls had in mind, but her daughter's quick wit helped her out of the situation, "No, Mama, I promised Eloise I'd sit next to her- and we mustn't break promises, right?"
Violin forced a smile, her daughter had used her own words against her, "You're right, dear."
Y/N leaned sideways to whisper in Benedict's ear as the first course was put in front of them, "You took care of it?"
"Oh, I did." He smiled to himself as he started with his soup.
A while later, everyone would find out what surprise had been waiting for Hugh Durrell, as the second course was brought into the dining room. The plates were filled with bedding of lettuce as decoration while a piece of roasted fowl was resting on top of it with some vegetables to tuck it in. But Hugh had been too focused on his own plate to notice his was different than the rest. On top of his lettuce, laid a brown frog, one he wasn't so sure was really dead.
Mr Durrell hesitantly grabbed his utensils and tried to look for a good part to start with. Were they seriously eating frogs for dinner?! He grimaced but then remembered he was a guest and quickly looked up to send Anthony and Violet a smile. He noticed Eloise had rested her head against her palm, she was sitting sideways and waiting for him to take a bite with the most wicked grin on her face ever. She was beyond amused.
All of a sudden, the animal hopped off his plate and onto Violet's, which caused the latter to let out a scream. She had almost, almost, forgotten that she had to be on her toes.
Both Y/N and Eloise let out a loud laugh before remembering they had to keep up the act, even if it was only for Hugh's sake, since the rest of the table already knew who to blame.
Hugh was given another plate after a lot of apologies from Violet and the kitchen staff. How it had landed on the plate, no one knew. Perhaps they should've noticed Benedict leave the room for a split second before the second course was brought in.
Dessert wasn't any better, as Eloise purposely tried to eat her chocolate pudding as inelegantly as possible. Her whole face was coated in the pudding, and when she smiled a toothy smile as Hugh looked up, he had to clench his spoon to not make a face of disgust and disapproval. He all but ran out of the house by the end of the night and both Eloise and Violet knew that his thank you's had just been out of good manners. He would definitely not want to see Eloise again.
"Well, that was a delightful night, wasn't it?" Y/N grinned and turned to Anthony, sending a glare his way the moment he looked back. Anthony would have to think twice if he wanted to pull something like this during her debut next season.
"Up to your rooms, now!" Violet pointed a finger at her daughters, who gave each other a sneaky handshake behind their backs before running up the stairs.
"How was your frog, Mr Durrell?" They heard Eloise ask her sister from the floor above, in a ridiculous accent.
Y/N replied in a voice just as ridiculous, "Why I don't know, my lady, I was too busy thinking of your pretty pudding smile."
Their laughter echoed through the house before both their doors closed, and Violet couldn't help but crack a smile. Her girls were a handful, especially when it came to being in the society of the ton, but she loved them dearly. The day their laughter and silly pranks would leave the house, would be a sad day.
736 notes · View notes
aboveallarescuer · 1 year ago
Text
If any other Daenerys fans who are 100% convinced without a show of a doubt that she will remain strictly a hero, I would love it if you’d add onto this post and tell me why!
It should go without saying that no one is "100% convinced without a show of a doubt" of anything about the future books because no one is inside GRRM's mind, but there are lots of reasons why many doubt that book!Dany will become a villain.
If I was in charge of the story, I’d have Dany participate in the battle against the Others and, in the process, really get to know and understand the people of Westeros and realize that claiming the throne could not happen peacefully.
First of all, Dany shouldn't be expected to know all the intricacies of Westerosi culture or to take the Iron Throne without spilling blood when the lands and privileges of all the other noble families (including the Starks) rest on their Essosi ancestors having also conquered lands and killed their enemies. Dany shouldn't be held to a higher standard than every other house, otherwise her actions - as a product of her pseudomedieval society - will end up being misconstrued.
Second, Dany already knows that "claiming the throne [cannot] happen peacefully"? In fact, she's one of the few who tries to reduce the damage caused by war and those efforts inform her anti-slavery campaign:
This is war, this is what it looks like, this is the price of the Iron Throne. [...]
"Stop them." She spoke to her khas in the harsh accents of Dothraki. "Jhogo, Quaro, you will aid Ser Jorah. I want no rape."
~
"The blood of my enemies I will shed gladly. The blood of my innocents is another matter. Eight thousand Unsullied they would offer me. Eight thousand dead babies. Eight thousand strangled dogs."
Third, are you implying that Dany may not participate in the war against the Others...? That's pretty much guaranteed to happen, she even has a prophetic dream where she burns the White Walkers:
That night she dreamt that she was Rhaegar, riding to the Trident. But she was mounted on a dragon, not a horse. When she saw the Usurper's rebel host across the river they were armored all in ice, but she bathed them in dragonfire and they melted away like dew and turned the Trident into a torrent. Some small part of her knew that she was dreaming, but another part exulted. This is how it was meant to be. The other was a nightmare, and I have only now awakened.
And yes, that dream is prophetic and meant to be taken seriously. As GRRM said, "the Targaryens have certain gifts"; "an occasional Targaryen had prophetic powers and could see glimpses of the future, which they didn’t always necessarily properly interpret because, you know, they were fragmentary and sometimes symbolic". (source)
It’s hard for me to buy the idea that villain Daenerys isn’t an idea that GRRM at least floated to them.
That's YOUR speculation, but that's all it is as far as we know. What GRRM has actually confirmed in Fire Cannot Kill a Dragon was that the three twists he told D&D were 1) Hodor and "hold the door", 2) Stannis burning Shireen and 3) who sits on the Iron Throne. (source)
If he had planned to have Dany burn KL or to be killed by Jon, then it's very likely that these plot points would have been listed among the big twists he told D&D, and yet they weren't. Indeed, D&D already confirmed in the Blu-Ray of Game of Thrones' S8 that "WE came up" with the idea of Jon killing Dany. (source)
[Daenerys destroying King's Landing] is just such a major event that effects literally every other surviving main character.
And yet it did not really effect any of the main characters in the show? All the remaining Starks + Tyrion came out of S8 (aka the season where Dany was supposed to be a bloodthirsty villain) unscathed.
It's worth pointing out that D&D admitted in the Blu-ray of GoT's S8 (source) that "WE didn't really realize was how much residual drama there was left. Once WE realized that both Jon and Tyrion were inevitably going to be prisoners, WE knew that their fate was far from settled". If that had been GRRM's plan, then surely they wouldn't have had to stop and think about what to do with Jon and Tyrion - undeniably two of the main characters - next? Again, this adds to the well-founded speculation that Dany's villain arc was an original idea from D&D.
[...] But it’s just hard to buy the idea that these men whom GRRM trusted would do something that entirely betrays his ideas for the story. And GRRM REALLY had faith in them. He did NOT want there to be an adaption of his series but they won him over.
GRRM already said that "by seasons 5 and 6, and certainly 7 and 8, I was pretty much out of the loop" and that "my ending will be very different". (source) That "as the show went on, I found I had less and less influence until by the end I really didn’t even know what was going on. [...] Some of these things I watched like everybody else, and ‘oh, okay.'  (source)
Your assumption has already been disproven by his interviews. It's also worth noting that, in the show, Benjen turned out to be Coldhands when that's a specific fan theory that GRRM previously debunked. (source) D&D were certainly not above doing things that contradicted GRRM's vision.
Another major example that proves their willingness to deviate from the books is how the War for the Dawn ultimately ended. Not only because there's no Night King in the current timeline of the books, but also because D&D literally admitted that they decided who would kill him based on shock value. They considered having Brienne or even a non-POV character like the Hound kill him before settling on Arya. (source)
Additionally, GRRM already shut down a theory about Dany burning a place (Water Gardens) and hinted at the possibility that she’s not involved in the second Dance of Dragons. (source 1, source 2) These statements - coupled with book!Dany's characterization, GRRM's non-involvement in S5-8, Dany burning KL or Dany being killed by Jon not being among the three big twists GRRM told D&D and D&D's disregard for the books and fickleness in general - are some of the endless reasons why many of us doubt that Dany will ever be a villain in the books.
And then there’s the original outline. Yes, many things have changed since then. But George refers to Dany as a “threat.” This demonstrates that at least at one point, he has toyed with the idea of her ultimately posing as an antagonistic force to Westeros.
He also refers to the Starks and the Lannisters as a "threat" to the Seven Kingdoms in the 1993 outline. That doesn't make Ned, Robb or any of the Stark children villains or even antagonists. rainhadaenerys already talked about this at length here.
This isn’t because I think she’d be a bad ruler (it is hard to judge who would it wouldn’t be a good ruler when they’re young teenagers).
GRRM already singled out Tyrion and Dany as suitable leaders, so your assessment of her as a ruler has been contradicted by the author himself (source).
He already told Marc Simonetti that Dany wants equality for everyone (source).
He wrote several villainous characters as foils to Dany - from Viserys/Aerys II (Viserys was Mad Aerys's son, just so. Daenerys … Daenerys is quite different.) to Cersei to the Others themselves (she and her dragons are the Fire of ASOIAF to the Others' Ice and, as GRRM himself said, Fire symbolizes love, passion and sexual ardor in contrast to Ice representing betrayal, revenge and cold inhumanity).
There's a lot of book evidence indicating that Dany is Azor Ahai/Prince that Was Promised.
Why would GRRM reverse pretty much everything he wrote so far to make Dany a villain (instead of a prophesied hero)? It contradicts what he's said about his writing process:
I am aware of some of the speculation out there, but I try to keep my distance from it precisely because I don't wanna be impacted. I mean, it's one of the drawbacks of the whole internet culture in this world that you guys have created--that something that previously maybe one reader in a thousand would have guessed, but you still had the other 999 who would have no inkling until you reveal it in a book. Now, that one person in a thousand puts it on an internet message board and everybody sees it and they say, "Oh, yeah, yeah. That's right. Now I see the clues. I got it." And pretty soon, half the readership, or at least the internet savvy portion of your readership, knows it. But what do you do then? Do you change it and come up with something goofy and outlandish that you haven't lead the, that you haven't done the foreshadowing for, that you haven't laid the foundation for just in order to surprise people? I mean, sure. I could have like, aliens come down and-- that would certainly surprise the hell out of everybody. No one is predicting that, but it would ruin the series. So, basically you can't let yourself be influenced by this stuff. And I try not to. (source)
Lastly, I would recommend reading some of the metas in this masterpost, especially the third section. Pretty much everything you brought up has been already refuted ad nauseaum by so many Dany fans.
I still think there’s a chance Dany doesn’t become a villain in the books because her characterization IS different in the show but I don’t think it’s really fair to claim the only reasons people think she’ll become a villain are misogyny and hatred of her and desire to see her get a bad ending. Yes there are Dany haters and misogynists who believe this but those are not the only reasons.
I love Dany. What I desire for her is not necessarily what I believe will happen in the story. I’m still split on what I think will happen and I’m keeping an open mind. What I want for Dany is a happy ending where she is loved and can live in peace. If I was in charge of the story, I’d have Dany participate in the battle against the Others and, in the process, really get to know and understand the people of Westeros and realize that claiming the throne could not happen peacefully. I want her to choose the path she wants deep down and not the path she was told is owed to her. She does not seem to particularly enjoy ruling. Based on my interpretation, what Dany wants is a home. She wants love and acceptance and belonging. But growing up with Viserys she’s come to believe that she is owed the throne and has a duty to rule and she doesn’t know what else to do. This isn’t because I think she’d be a bad ruler (it is hard to judge who would it wouldn’t be a good ruler when they’re young teenagers). I just don’t think it would lead to a happy ending for her. I don’t want the IT for ANY of my favs.
However. This is just what I WANT for her. There are many things in the show that are clearly made up completely by D&D, like replacing Jeyne Poole with Sansa. However, I don’t think something as major as Daenerys, one of the main characters who has been presented as a hero thus far, destroying King’s Landing is something D&D would just pull out of their asses. It’s just such a major event that effects literally every other surviving main character. It’s hard for me to buy the idea that villain Daenerys isn’t an idea that GRRM at least floated to them. It was super rushed and poorly executed, as was the rest of the show. But it’s just hard to buy the idea that these men whom GRRM trusted would do something that entirely betrays his ideas for the story. And GRRM REALLY had faith in them. He did NOT want there to be an adaption of his series but they won him over. I do NOT want this to be the trajectory of Daenerys’s character but I just can’t pretend it’s not a very real possibility.
And then there’s the original outline. Yes, many things have changed since then. But George refers to Dany as a “threat.” This demonstrates that at least at one point, he has toyed with the idea of her ultimately posing as an antagonistic force to Westeros. Is this enough evidence to say without a shadow of a doubt that this is what George will do? No I don’t think so. Not a single one of us can say what he’s going to do with this story. There’s also a very real chance that Winds is taking so long because he decided to make major changes after seeing how GoT was received by the public but I’d like to think he has more integrity than that. But again, I just don’t know.
I want Daenerys to be a hero. The ending she got in the show was so, so tragic and would be heart wrenching if it had been executed well. As a big ol Jon lover, I don’t want that ending for him either. There are characters who are obviously on different trajectories based on major changes the show made to events (Sansa), characterization (Arya), or statements GRRM made (Jaime). But I just can’t say for sure that that’s true of Daenerys. If any other Daenerys fans who are 100% convinced without a show of a doubt that she will remain strictly a hero, I would love it if you’d add onto this post and tell me why!
94 notes · View notes