#we have a plant mom on floor 2 on my left

[dnptheinfinity]

microdosing on having a social life by observing what my neighbors do on their balconies and making up their backstories in my head

[erenoir]

𝐟𝐚𝐝𝐞 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐨 𝐲𝐨𝐮

💿 𝚗𝚘𝚠 𝚙𝚕𝚊𝚢𝚒𝚗𝚐: 𝚏𝚊𝚍𝚎 𝚒𝚗𝚝𝚘 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚋𝚢 𝚖𝚊𝚣𝚣𝚢 𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚛

genre: single father!toji, slow burn, angst then fluff, nsfw, MDNI

warnings: 18+ dark content, alcoholism, breeding kink, daddy/mommy titles used, unprotected sex, oral sex, verbal fighting, discussions of abandonment, initial toxic relationship, light gun use.

featuring: toji x fem step-mom!reader

summary: you and toji had met each other at your worst, twin flames fueling each other’s bad habits. you spent weeks upon weeks as on-and-off fuck buddies, manipulating and using each other before throwing one another to the curb again. nothing could save the turbulent relationship of a touch-deprived woman and a man afraid of love, never daring to wave your white flags to one another… until the night toji dropped a bomb that would make or break the two of you forever. | find it on ao3: [☆]

word count: 14.9k

a/n: tell jesus that the bitch is back- i’m kidding! no but really, its been a long year (or more?) of me being away from this blog. i haven't done this in a while, but i have too many delusions and thoughts to not make them into stories, i missed writing too much. anyways, if you like this: reblog, comment, check out my other stuff, etc! luv u xx send toji thirsts in honor of szn 2

“Okay now Megs, daddy and I will be back tomorrow morning, okay?” 

Your knees pressed into the cold floor as your fingers tangled themselves in your stepson’s wild, raven locks. The little boy stuck his bottom lip out in protest, your heart swelling at the sight of it. Your thumb met his velvety skin as you stopped a tear from rolling any further down his rouged cheek. 

“I don’t want you and daddy to go!” He wailed, a tiny voice strained with big emotions. The glum boy ran into your open arms, clinging to you like velcro. The creamy silk of your blazer swept across the nape of his neck as you enveloped him into a cozy embrace.

“Oh Megumi, you’ll be alright! Your father and I will just be away for the night. Then tomorrow… I can make you all the pancakes in the world for dinner!” His eyebrows knit together and his rosy nose scrunched up as you shook his face in your hands. Little Megumi's messy, toothless grin punctured your heart so deeply. You adored the boy endlessly, even if he wasn’t your son by blood, a connection so spirited manifested itself between the two of you. 

“Really mommy?! Do you really mean all of the pancakes in the world?” You let a gentle fingertip feather itself across the tip of Megumi’s nose as you rose to your feet to ruffle the boy’s hair, “Of course I mean it baby! Daddy will do whatever it takes to get you every last drop of pancake batter in the whole, wide, world… isn’t that right, honey?”

You shifted your weight to your left foot to get a good look at Toji, Megumi’s father. He planted himself in his usual crushed velvet armchair that rested in front of the fireplace, thighs sprawled out across the plush cushion. His cheek sunk into the palm of his hand as he ogled at his precious family. 

All mine, Toji thought, all fucking mine. 

The brooding man sauntered up to you two with ardency, his husky arms snaking around your waist, pulling your backside into his chest and placing a wet kiss to the crook of your neck. Toji rested his hand atop of Megumi’s hair, nearly drowning your little one’s head with its size. You gazed on dotingly as your lover’s biceps contracted when he picked up your son, cooing him into a comfortable silence. The fireplace illuminated the quaint living space an intimate shade of orange, fractals of light bouncing off of the most hidden corners of the room. The shadow of your lover danced across the walls as he rocked the raven-haired child to sleep. You massaged red fingernails into his burly shoulders, feeling the fabric of his black t-shirt ripple between your fingertips.

“We’re so lucky, aren’t we?” You purred into Toji’s neck as you two caressed the light of your lives, sound asleep in his arms. Toji peered over his shoulder to catch a glimpse of you, watching your maternal instincts consume your body as you outstretched your soft hands to the boy. Something within Toji burst in that moment, seeing his lover care for his child as if he were her own. 

“Let me take him to bed, my love.” Dark eyes trailed your steps attentively, watching your hips sway as you cradled his son in your nimble arms, your tender hand nurturing the back of his head, holding it tightly to your chest. His pupils dilated when you started whispering lullabies into Megumi’s ear. A  series of “Mommy loves you,” and “I’ve got you my baby,” made Toji’s jaw clench and every part of him swell with adoration.

—

You once arrived in Toji’s life as a fiery little creature. Wild, uncaring, and foaming at the mouth for attention. He didn’t see you as anything other than a friend with benefits. It was a fair exchange, Toji satiated your need for unhealthy attention as a girl disowned by her distant parents, and you satiated his need for a little rag doll as a hitman with a severe lack of emotional intelligence. He needed a woman that would do most anything to please him and receive the gratification she so desperately craved in return. Room 4C, that was the room you two would run away to every weekend. 

It was a malignant relationship you had, you were unabashedly toxic to one another. Toji would show up drunk on most occasions, and you would allow him to do whatever he wanted to your feeble little body and enjoy every second of it. You would fight just to see who could scream louder, until the misty light from the sun rising sliced through the cracks of the thick curtains. The old motel would’ve kicked you two out if it weren’t for how much business you brought them. Your eyes stung with crazed tears, both of pleasure and pain, and Toji was the one that induced them every time. Every smack to the cheek was met with a tender kiss, and every “I hate you,” was met with a chorus of apologies. You loved each other in wicked ways, but you loved each other nonetheless. You pushed as Toji pulled, never could either of you find a moment of peace to let your fragile emotions rest.

That was until one night where you asked Toji to meet you in your usual room, at your usual time, 8 p.m. Only that night had you two finally waved your white flags and extinguished your venomous behavior to one another.

—

Your toes were painted a wine red as they ran through the fuzzy carpet below you, feet swinging over the twin-sized motel bed. Rain rushed the windows with fervor, the storm warning you had received this morning not clicking in your brain until that very moment. The muffled voices of the news anchors suffocated your eardrums as they grew louder. The silence in the room was painstaking and you didn’t know how much longer you could last solely listening to the rhythmic drips of the leaking bathroom sink. Your eyelids began to droop as the neon leds of the plastic alarm clock flicked from 8:59 to 9:00. The stiff sheets felt like royal silk at that moment, sleep threatening to consume your body. The room around you shut on and off, eyelids blinking slowly, and your mouth dipping into the slightest “o” shape. the cotton of your t-shirt rode up your thighs as you slid yourself under the covers. Toji isn’t coming tonight, truthfully, the thought grazed your mind when it had only been ten minutes after 8, Toji was never any more tardy than that. But as you watched the clock now switch from 9:04 to 9:05, the hint of betrayal that had felt like a pin prick before now felt like you’d just been gutted. 

Your body was swallowed in the darkness of the motel room, though you did leave the news on, maybe the late night anchors could keep you company in your lover’s absence. In your dream you saw the dark eyes that taunted you into submission. How pathetic was it to dream about a man who couldn’t care less about you besides what you had underneath your underwear? In your dream you were running, your earthly body was riddled with cold sweats and shivering into oblivion, you heard pounding, it grew rapidly with every step you took, the beat of your heart staying in time, though the pounding felt too real to be fabricated through your imagination alone.

Then your body jolted awake to a vigorous gust of wind, and suddenly the banging became real, and whoever demanded that kind of attention from you at midnight was about to receive a pounding to their face. With your eyes cloudy and vision blurred, you tried to adjust to the dark blue of your surroundings. 

“Ah, shit!” The stark yellow light of the bedside lamp blinded you, a shaky hand rested on your forehead to act as a shield to the harsh, artificial rays. The comforter of the rigid bed you laid on grew wet, rainwater dripping from the dark figure that stood above your tired body. 

“T-Toji?” You stammered into the abyss, you had no courage to look up and see who had woken you up from your restless slumber. After all, you didn’t want the last thing you saw to be your murderer. 

“No, it’s Megumi,” your hand snapped to your side to see from whom such a soft voice was emitted. Above you stood a small boy with porcelain skin and raven hair, he couldn’t have been more than 6 years old.

My god, you thought, he looks just like-

“Toji is my dad, he said to wait in this room while he- while he got m-more of his happy juice… s-so he pushed me through th-that window a-and n-now my knee is bleeding!”

The young boy who tried to remain stoic eventually broke into a fit of relentless tears. He's a child, he’s a- he’s Toji’s… Toji has a child. Your brain went through the motions, trying to ride every wave of the ocean it was thrown into. 

Until one of those waves truly hit you- and you realized that there was a fucking child in your room.

And all of the sorrow you felt for the boy had turned into pure, unadulterated rage for his poor excuse of a father. 

You peeled yourself from the bed and tripped over the legs of your jeans as you tried to shrug them on while making your way to the door. Your hand stopped at the knob before turning to the kid. 

“Fuck… don’t go anywhere, okay kid?” You mumbled as you fished the pack of Marlboro's from the back pocket of your Levi’s and jammed one into your mouth, busting through the door and into the rainy parking lot… search frantically- ferally, for the one person you were dying to see most.

“Where the FUCK are you?! You asshole!” You screamed, voice cracking. “Show your fucking face you… you coward!” You were speechless, running to the middle of the parking lot, and scanning every dark car for someone hiding out- hiding from you. The rain sunk through your tank top, goosebumps pricking your skin, and then next you felt the tears. He was the last person you wanted to cry for, he didn’t deserve it, the fucker would probably enjoy it if you didn’t know him any better.

“Fuck you!” You seethed, bare feet taking you in circles around the flooded lot. “Fuck! You! I hate you!” The tears finally poked through, staining your cheeks with old mascara.

“You always do this shit Toji Fushiguro! I hope you’re fucking dead! You fucking deadbeat father!”

–

After twenty minutes of your parking lot charades, the motel manager had to nearly drag you back to your room- a freezing cold, screaming maniac. The boy- Megumi, was sitting next to you cross-legged on the bed with a patched up knee and an ice cream sandwich from the vending machine three rooms down. He hummed to the tune of the children’s show that played on the television, swaying back and forth in contentment. The fact that you were babysitting the child of the man that you were fuck buddies with amused you as you scoffed to yourself. 

“You know… your dad didn’t tell me had a kid,” the little boy’s attention remained fixed on the screen, ignoring you completely while his dark eyes memorized the flashes of color and cartoons in front of him. Hm, he really is Toji’s kid. 

“How's your knee, Megs?” Your fingers ran across the pink bandaid you’d stuck over his scrape, making sure the adhesive wasn’t lifting off of his damp skin. Vanilla filling seeped through Megumi’s tiny fingers. Chocolate crumbles littered his plump cheeks as he stuck the final bite of his ice cream sandwich in his mouth, stuffing his cheeks full. 

“My knee is fine!” He mumbled through a full mouth, patting his sticky palm over his wound. Your mind toyed with the idea of whether or not now was a good time to mention his father again, but knowing Toji, if you didn’t mention him he wouldn’t even bother coming back. So keeping the boy’s best interest at heart, you casually brought up his father’s name for a second time. 

“Megumi… can you tell me where your dad is?” You folded your hands in your lap as you awaited his response. Tears pricked at the boy’s gloomy eyes, a storm just as tumultuous was raging in him as it was outside. Messy palms wiped themselves across his white race car shirt, before they came up to wipe at his face.

“I-I told you… he s-said he was going to get more of his happy juice… he said to wait here with a lady named ___. Th-that’s what he said to do!”

Megumi’s quiet words turned into an erratic tantrum. Tears flooded his eyes as he snorted up a wad of snot, the race car on his shirt slowly starting to drive on wet roads. You were going to kill Toji. You didn’t give a crap about the way he treated you anymore, he had a child who was helpless. And god knows the child was helpless if the person Toji decided to leave him with was you. 

The docile boy leaned sweetly into your arms, begging for some form of comfort, it was evident that he’d never received any from his own father before. The sleeves of your sweater moved hesitantly to wrap themselves around Megumi’s shaking body, afraid that if you were to embrace him fully the dam that’s been holding back all of your emotions would suddenly break. It wasn’t your place to nurture this child, it wasn’t your place to offer him another outlet for parental guidance. But as you sat at the edge of the motel bed with the little boy, it felt as if you were sitting at the edge of a cliff, and you could either sink or swim with Megumi’s life in your hands. The moment you felt his frail arms hug you back, the dam fell, and you were in too deep to stop giving a fuck now. 

You brought a hand to his wild hair. It stuck up in all directions, he told you earlier that he stole some gel from his dad’s bathroom, and that Toji let him do it however he wanted to. You remember laughing at that, seemingly because it sounded like something Toji would say. Your cheek felt cool against the top of his head, his hair still drying from the torrential storm that brewed just outside the window. Every string inside of you that was holding your emotional state together at the seams had ripped in two as Megumi began to sob more violently than before. His red cheeks moved from right to left across your sweater, wiping snot, drool and tears all over you. With thoughts clouded and the slightest knowledge of how to take care of a child flying out the window, you began to panic. Toji had left his offspring, his flesh and blood, with you, his emotionally corrupted, immature, and attention deprived fuck buddy. 

Why?

With tender hands you tuck the covers under Megumi’s petite body. Your heart crumbled completely when you saw how the tears dried on Megumi’s cheeks, how his breathing was congested with mucus, and how his swollen eyes twitched in his sleep. He was having a nightmare. The bed dipped in as you sat beside him and ran fragile fingers over his forehead, sweeping his long hair out of his eyes. For the first time that night you let tears fall from your eyes, as you gazed at the broken child with an instinct to care for him, to help him grow, if Toji wasn’t going to be there to do it. You watched as Megumi’s body relaxed under your touch, his breathing smooth, and his eyebrows drooping. A small smile formed on your face, it was time to fake happiness for this boy, if it meant that he would be okay.

“He’s a g-good kid r-ight?” Your head snapped up as Toji’s overbearing body stumbled through the window, his hand desperately grasping for some kind of support from the wall. God, you really needed to lock that fucking window or god knows what other Fushiguro would trip through it. 

An animosity so intense boiled within you, clawing at your stomach, dying to be taken out on the drunken man stood in front of you. The tears returned to your eyes, his silhouette doubled as your vision blurred. 

“D-don’t you fucking come near me you asshole,” you whispered, there were no words in the world that could’ve described how badly you wanted to scream at Toji until his eardrums popped. Alas you couldn’t… you couldn’t let Megumi see his father like this. 

“Exc-use me but I'd l-like to see my-my son,” words slurred out of his wet lips, a line of saliva falling out of the corner of his mouth. 

“Toji… don’t even think for a second I’d let you near him,” your delicate hands pushed against his steel chest, helplessly punching into him to stop him in his tracks. His strong hands wrapped themselves around your wrists tightly as he looked you in the eyes with an intoxicated heat. 

“Toji… why? Why wouldn’t you tell me you had a fucking child? Is this who you ran away from every weekend we spent together?” Your hand shakily pointed to little Megumi’s sleeping body, “Do you understand how fucked up that makes me feel? How fucked up that makes you? God! I knew you were a piece of shit but Toji… this is rich, this is- this is the icing on the fucking cake… you disgust me!” You whispered as Toji’s hands repositioned themselves to cup your cheeks, his calloused thumbs coming to wipe the lines of mascara running down your face. Although blank and empty, his stare alone spoke a thousand words.

It told you that he was broken, that he was filled to the brink with regret, that he hated- no, absolutely loathed himself. Toji knew he was a piece of shit, he knew he was wrong for hiding his son from you, and he knew he was wrong for hiding you from his son. He had lasted long enough pushing everything under a compact rug until it couldn’t hold much more, and now every fucked up thing in his life was catching up to him, and you were watching it happen right in this depressing, wet, and cramped motel room.

“I-I didn’t know wh-where else to bring him, I-I mean look at me I can’t be with him right now…” Toji fell to his knees and gripped your calves with his hands, crying into the damp denim of your jeans. You stood stiff, frozen in place and in disbelief at what was happening. The brazen man that you knew so well, that dripped with confidence, with ego, with a sense of security, had shattered completely. Toji’s back muscles contracted as he dry heaved onto the floor, the contents of his stomach just missing your feet. He looked up at you with an empty expression. Snot was dripping out of his nose, his jaw was trembling and his face was littered with tears and red splotches.

“Toji-” You reached for him.

“No… please hear m- me out…”

“I'll listen to you… outside…” You fired, “I’m not- I refuse to do this here when your son is sleeping right there!” You hoisted his body up off the floor as the two of you staggered into the storm. He leaned his body up against the door to 4C as you closed it, boring holes into your head, desperate for you to say anything. You wrapped your sweater around you tighter as rain propelled towards your shivering bodies. You two must have looked mad… drenched, drunken and depressed, in the middle of a storm, enveloped in darkness, hugging yourselves as if that would be of any help. Only the light of the moon and from the other motel rooms made it possible for you to see Toji’s face. The sounds of his rabid sobs mixed with the intensity of the rain pelting the ground, the freezing winds icing over his face sobered him up a bit. Toji began speaking as you looked down at your bare feet once again being swallowed by the wet pavement.

“I don’t trust anyone else,” Toji burns a hole into the parking lot with his stare, watching it flood slowly, he didn't have the guts to look at you, not yet. The single traffic light across the street whipped back and forth in the wind, streaks of light painting the foggy air. You leaned up against the door next to Toji, your tiny body being engulfed by his large, shaking one.

“…I didn’t trust a-anyone else w-with Megumi, I’m a threat to my own fucking kid, can you believe that?” You thought about it for a second, and you could completely believe it, the fact that Toji hid his son from you for this long should’ve spoken for itself. Your somber silhouettes shivered against the outside of the motel, both of your minds racing to deliberate how you would work yourselves through this mess. You almost wanted to laugh, the last people on this earth you would expect to be parents were you and Toji. With the breath kicked out of you, you slid down to the pavement and let yourself hit the ground. You hugged your knees with your shuddering hands and watched the cars slowly maneuver their way around the dimly lit parking lot. Toji’s hand navigates its way to the top of your head and smooths his fingers over your hair.

“Toji… I just have so many questions-”

“So ask them,” for once you looked at him with soft eyes, his voice trembled every time he spoke, you could try to fill the shell of a fractured man with love, with empathy, but everything you could possibly give him would just seep through the cracks of his ego. 

“…I keep my circles small… so I didn’t have many options of who to leave the kid with… you’re the only person that I’ve allowed myself to get close to…” He ran a hand over his face, his body began to sink down next to you, extending his legs flat to the ground as his pants soaked with rainwater, “and you haven’t rejected me yet so I threw one more thing on you… is that okay?” 

Was it okay? Of all the fucked up things you and Toji have done together, you scoffed in disbelief as your hands began to trace circles on the flooding ground beneath you, swirling rainwater in between your fingers.

“…and his mother?” Your voice cracked as your heart sank at what you could only predict his answer would be. Toji's jaw stiffened, grinding it back and forth as he reached for a pack of soggy cigarettes from his back pocket. 

“Shit,” he muttered. He rung out the pack of smokes in his strong hold, the damp paper pushing between the cracks of his fingers. You looked at him and he looked straight ahead, watching small ripples form in the puddles of water upon impact from the rain.

“She’s dead… died when he was just born,” your chest weakened at his words, eyes overwhelmed with sorrow. Toji's lips began to tremble as he tried to bite back his tears. He was tired of crying, tired of not being strong anymore, and tired of not being a good father, for that’s the strongest thing a man could ever be. 

“…So the kid got stuck with me… he- I don’t deserve him, I don’t deserve to be a father to a kid as good as him…” In his most vulnerable state, you chalked up the courage to take his hand in yours and rub your thumb over his scarlet knuckles. You sat like that for a while, legs sprawled out over the drenched concrete, the ends of your feet grazing each other ever so softly.

“Toji…” your voice came out barely above a whisper, “…don’t say that… Megumi needs you,” Toji’s breath hitched in his chest as he coughed back the urge to cry anymore, “Megumi needs you to get better for him… that kid- he looks up to you so fucking much. He sat next to me for an hour talking about you alone.”

You pulled your knees into your chest and buried them under your sweater to shield your icy legs from the cold. You felt Toji’s blue eyes burn holes into the side of your head, he was desperate for any taste of guidance.

“You’re lying… the kid barely knows me, he”-

“So help him know you! Toji you can’t fucking give up on that kid… and you sure as hell can’t dump him on me and expect me to make up for the years you neglected him! I won’t fucking do it, not without you…” Your screams broke into a whisper. 

You wanted Toji. You wanted him a month ago when he was just an asshole without a kid, and you want him now that he’s just an asshole with a kid. You shifted your body to sit closer to his, his silhouette swallowing yours in size as you curled up next to him on the concrete. Resting your head on his shoulder, he inched his hand towards yours to lift your knuckles to his lips and kiss them gently, one by one.

“Toji…” you continued, your eyes not leaving the ground, “I want to be with you, I want to love you- and if Megumi comes with you I’ll love him too… that’s what you’re asking of me, yeah?” You lifted your head to look at him, leaving your faces only inches apart as you gazed into each other’s eyes. Toji nodded his head slowly, he never asked for help, it was a sign of vulnerability. But the kid was the only exception for Toji, he always has been. He'd always absorb everything like a sponge until he physically couldn’t hold any more dirty water, tearing every time he had to ring out all of his baggage. 

“You wanna know why you’re an asshole?” You’re probed, finally striking a light on one of his gnarly cigs and blowing the smoke onto his face. The scarred corner of his mouth twitched upward, enough for only you to notice. 

“Pray tell, doll.” He chuckled in a husky voice, his calloused hand reaching for the cigarette you held before you smacked it away. He scoffed, “That came from my pack, you know?” 

“The least you could do for me is bum me a cig, no?” You jabbed, the burning cherry hanging from your fingers as your hand bounced around with your words. 

Silence. 

“Well… you’re an asshole Fushiguro…” You continued without any more permission, hesitant to tell him what you wanted to. You feared you’d opened up too much already. Your tongue dragged over your teeth as you worked out your next sentence. 

“You-“ You took a long drag, “You are a raging dick, actually. Because-” you paused to look over at him, and surprisingly enough, you had his complete attention. And his eyes weren’t hardened but- soft. And his breathing was less ragged than it was ten minutes ago. You swallowed hard as his eyes dropped to your mouth. 

“You know you could hop on the next train out of here with no intention of seeing me again…” You whispered. “And I’d fucking love the shit out of that kid regardless, right?” He smirked at your choice of words, Toji tried hard not to love things, in the end everything he gets close to fades away and dies. But he believed that he loved you, and he loved the way you were prepared to drop everything to nurture the most secret part of his life. All he could do was stare at your face, gentle, warm, and glowing in the rain. Though it felt like the whole world was after him he felt safe next to you, and he despised the feeling, for it meant that he was prepared to give himself to someone for a second time, and he wasn’t ready to lose another. 

“And that’s why I left him with you,” he smirked. He winced as you smacked him across the face, your eyes wide and feral.

“Yeah I know, I know that’s why you did it you fuck!” You scream-whispered, still mindful of Megumi just behind the door. “But don’t expect me to be- h-hot shit at this mother thing- I won’t hesitate to throw you under the bus if it means protecting him!” 

You were standing now, and you were pacing, and reality was hitting you, and the adrenaline rush you were riding for the past thirty minutes was wearing off and you were scared. Your hand shook as you rose the dwindling cigarette to your lips, your body shaking from both the rain and the kiss of reality. Struggling to inhale from the damp bud, Toji cut off your train of thought.

“I know you won’t, that’s why I left him with you,” he said sternly, his figure now towering over yours. He grabbed his face in your hands, and it was just as much a loving act as it was a ‘I need you to get your head on straight and focus’ act. He pushed your cheeks in and shook your face ever so slightly, “You listen to me- That. Is. Why. I. Left. Him. With. You.” 

He spoke roughly, dividing every word with a quick pause so you could get it through your head. He pressed his forehead to yours so you were eye to eye. “Hey,” he brushed some matted hair away from your wet forehead. You knew he saw the tears welling in your eyes, and you wish you could push him away so he could never see you cry again. But you couldn’t, you felt that you loved him far too much to do that. Your shoulders shook as you let them fall, you cursed yourself for letting it happen. 

“Fucking listen to me,” Toji jabbed, “I left him with you because you- you don’t fear me. You will throw me under the bus, you’ll push me in front of a fucking train, for that kid,” he actually laughed at the thought, “I know no other person that will hold me accountable- even if it meant my bloody death.” 

You shook yourself out of his hold, throwing your burnt out cigarette on the ground between you two, setting an imaginary border so you could think clearly away from him. 

“Are you sober enough to hear me out?” You asked quietly but not lacking any ounce of aggression. 

“Since you slapped the living shit out of me? I’d say I’m pretty okay,” Toji took one step towards you before you stopped him in his tracks.

“You stay over there and you listen to me,” you growled. You nervously rung out your hands, pulling on every knuckle and joint while you spoke. 

“… I hope you don’t… run away.” You paused, “No- actually, you will not run away,” Your words left your mouth like you were prophesying commandments to a lost disciple. “He needs you with him, Toji. He is tired of you disappearing.”

Toji listened to you like your voice was the last thing he’d hear in his life, yet he wanted you to stop talking. The more you spoke the more bound to the tracks he felt, and he had never been bound to anything before, he did as he pleased, always. So Toji prayed you wouldn’t utter another word that would keep him here. He had to leave, if he stayed you would get hurt, that’s how it always went. But with every word that left your mouth you pulled him in and glued him to the ground he stood on. 

He let out an exasperated sigh as you wrapped a hand in his hair, using it as leverage to push your foreheads back together. He was speechless, there was so much he could say to you, to convince you to kick him to the curb, but his words were stuck in his throat.

“I am tired of you disappearing,” the ropes that kept his body bound to the tracks drew tighter, and in the distance he saw the headlights of a train inching closer by the second.  

“I know you think it’s hopeless, that it’s not even worth trying, but your son having any shot at living a normal life is worth fighting for… Toji, please-” 

And then the train struck him, just as promised, this wouldn’t be the last one you pushed him in front of. 

Your grip on Toji’s hair loosened as his lips crushed themselves onto yours. He pulled you closer, needed you closer, hugging you into his chest as you caressed the sides of his face with your hands, thumbs rubbing at his scarred cheekbones. You tasted like salvation. Toji knew deep down that you were his salvation. 

“I’m not asking you to fix me, I’m way past that- I'm just asking you to be patient… for the kid.” He whispered against your lips, the tears that littered your cheeks dampened his. “I care…” he swallowed his words, “...I care about you- alot.”

“Jesus fuck, did it kill you to say that?” For the first time that night you laughed genuinely, and Toji’s mind was clear. It was carved in stone, he had claimed you and now he’s responsible for your life now, alongside Megumi’s. He raised his hands off your hips as if you were a fragile porcelain doll, too afraid to hurt you now that he’s held you- truly, held you. You looked at him questioningly, already missing the feeling of his skin against yours.

“I don't want you to get hurt… I don’t want Megumi to lose anyone else, he needs something I’m afraid I can’t give to him-”

“Shut up,” your eyebrows furrowed together as you shook his head gently, “Don’t go there… you dumb fuck,” bringing his lips to yours once more, he finally released under your touch, the feeling of you safe and in his arms put his restless thoughts to bed.

“I'm here, Megumi is sleeping soundly inside… we’re gonna be okay. Everything is a fucking mess. Because you did kind of fuck it, but we’ll figure it out,” you insisted, taking his hands in yours and placing them on your heart. Toji dropped his head to the crook of your neck and closed his eyes as the soft thump of your heartbeat grazed against his fingertips.

“Do you feel that? I’m alive you asshole… I’m not dead yet.”

—-

Toji knew you would stick around for a while.

He was right, because here you were, two years later, with Megumi cradled in your arms as you carried him up the winding steps of your Victorian home, placing soft kisses on his forehead and lulling him to sleep. Today was the anniversary of that night at the motel, when you met Megumi for the first time and decided to help Toji care for him even when you were entirely lost yourself. You haven’t been back there since, you three left the next morning on a train and never looked back. You told Toji that if you did it would be bad luck, so he kept moving forward for you and his son, to finally give him a life he deserved. But tonight you two thought it would be nice to visit one more time, on your anniversary, just for old time’s sake.

Toji watched as you tiptoed back down the steps and gave him a gentle thumbs up, signaling that Megumi had finally fallen asleep. Toji wrapped his arms around your waist and lifted you up into him, peppering kisses all over your blushing face. You placed a sloppy kiss onto his lips before jumping down and giving him a little twirl.

“C’mon baby, let’s go!” You wrapped your hand in his and dragged him to the door. His face relaxed into a content smile, after all this time, his little bird was still as free as ever.

—

Around your neck you donned a good locket that Toji had gotten you for your birthday, it moved up and down against your chest as you took deep breaths standing in front of an old friend. The door to room 4C looked just as you left it, with a few more cracks here and there. Your body shuddered as you looked down at the ground in front of it, still feeling the presence of your younger self clad in a drenched sweater, curled up next to a younger, drunken Toji. A warm smile spread across your face as you remembered how scared you two were, unsure of the world and without a plan, shivering in the pouring rain as you thought about your futures together. 

Tonight the sky was clear, the only thing that surrounded you was the sound of cicadas singing. You looked up to your side as you felt Toji’s fingers intertwined with yours, holding onto your hand loosely. He looked down at you and smirked, although you two were much more mature and cared about whether you lost your lives or not for Megumi’s sake, deep down you two would always be the notorious fuck-ups that happened to fit perfectly together.

“Wanna wreck some havoc one last time?” he asked you. You giggled as your hand twirled the brass doorknob, entering the room that you and Toji made love in more times than you could count, the room that you got high in, got drunk in, the room that you fought in, that you threw television remotes at each other in… the room that you eventually fell in love in.

Your fingertips grazed the stiff blankets, the cherry red countertops, the cheap coffee maker, as you took every detail in. Everything was left just the way it was on the night. You let out a chuckle underneath your breath as you sunk your fingers into the mattress, remembering how Megumi’s body slept here soundly as you and Toji decided what the fuck you were to make of yourselves just outside.

“I'm glad you pushed Megumi in here that night…” you whispered as you lifted the blanket up, they could never remove the stain of his chocolate ice cream sandwich from the white sheets. Toji watched as you reminisced, taking in every inch of you, before your eyes finally met as you dragged your gaze across the tacky flower paintings that decorated the walls. Your eyes rested on his face as you drank the sight of him in. Toji was happy, he was at peace with what his life had turned out to be.

“The way it all happened was absolutely fucking ridiculous I hope you know that…” You rolled your eyes at him as he crossed his arms and leaned up against the kitschy wallpaper. “...but I wouldn't change a thing, it happened the way it did for a reason.” 

He watched as your hips swayed back and forth underneath your black slip dress, his heartbeat speeding up as you draped your arms around his neck and leaned him further back into the wall. Toji, the hardened man that could effortlessly punch through anything that looked at him the wrong way, softened immediately when he was with you. You were his biggest source of strength, but his ultimate weakness nonetheless.

“Hold me, Toji,” you whispered as you brought your lips to his, feeling his brute arms tie themselves around your tiny waist, “…I love you baby,” you murmured as your lips moved against his.

“Thank you,” Toji had spoken for the first time since you two entered the room, too enamored with you to form any coherent words until this point. He watched as the orange light from the bedside table illuminated the back of your head, the halo of light framed your face like an angel.

“What?” you continued to pepper kisses all over his face, gently alternating back and forth from each cheek as your fingers played with his dark hair.

“For saving me… for loving Megumi… you didn’t have to fucking do that… you could’ve been free but you chose this life,” he pulled you up into him, shoving his face into your neck and taking in your scent. Toji was deathly afraid of losing you, so when he held you, he held you like it was going to be the last time he’d ever get to. You were his second chance at life, and if he could, he’d have you by his side forever.

“And I wouldn’t have chosen any different.” You croaked, your fingernails grazing the back of his neck. 

“I wanted you then Toji and I still want you now, heaven and hell would have to meet on this earth to get me to stop loving you…” Your words were barely above a whisper, making sure they were for him and only him. Toji’s lips began to move against your neck and his hand tugged your head back by your hair, giving him more room to mark you. 

“Toji, plea-“ You whined breathlessly, eyebrows furrowing together as everything inside you became bubbly and grew more sensitive with every touch. 

“Have you ever thought about…” His lips paused against your neck, his grip on you tightening before he let up, “Fuck it, nevermind.” He shut himself down before he could even finish his thought. You nudged his head out from where it was hiding on your shoulder and forced him to look at you. You always found it funny that you held such a threatening man like putty in your hands.

“No… say it, tell me please,” you rested your hands on either side of his face, letting him know it was okay, you gleamed up at him as the flashes of the television reflected in your eyes, his heart swelled at the sight of you. Toji broke his eye contact with you, anxious of how you’d respond to his question. Toji was anxious. And you could feel it. And then his jaw clenched before his grip on you tightened once again, even now he couldn’t let the fortress that he hid inside break. 

“Have you ever thought about… having another kid?” His eyes were dark, and a grin almost devious teased the corners of his mouth, and all of a sudden you felt how you did two years ago. And the Toji you fell for was standing there and he was so close to you and you were in his arms. He was teasing you like you were helpless teenagers in love. And though you loved Megumi so deeply- he was safe with the nanny at home… and you and Toji were just you and Toji again. You wanted him as fiercely as you did two years ago, and you wanted him to make love to you the way he did two years ago. Everything had been so gentle since you two were last here, and you watched Toji grow into an amazing father. You understood that he treated you like glass because he didn’t want to lose you like he has everyone else. And he was so good to you. But fuck, he was too good sometimes and you wanted that asshole back. 

You pushed yourself into his chest and nudged his face in your direction with your nose, smiling softly as you watched a storm brew in his eyes alone. Your breasts nearly spilled out of the neckline of your dress as you pressed your chest to his. You felt him tense as you licked your way up from his neck to his ear, placing a kiss on the sensitive skin behind it. 

“Toji… I think about it everyday,” you whispered, his grip around your waist tightened as he exhaled sharply, as if he was holding himself back. 

“Do you think about a boy or girl?” He teased, beginning to trace his fingers on your thighs just below the hem of your dress. Your body instinctually moved into his, your words caught in your throat and your eyes lost in his. Toji smirked down at you, watching the way you curled around his finger so easily.

“Hey,” he snapped, taking your chin in a firm hold, “What did I ask you, princess? Stay with me.” 

His other hand that remained just underneath your ass rose a few inches to give it a taught squeeze. He chuckled softly watching you twitch at the sensation. With your chin still in his hand he snapped your face to the left, pressing his nose against your cheek and inhaling deeply, before placing a hard, sloppy kiss to it.

“Tell me.” He pushed your face back so it was an inch away from his, “Do you want me to give you a boy or a girl?” 

The stench of lust stained the walls, the carpets, the bedsheets, your clothes… it stuck to everything. This fucking room made the two of you feral. Toji had you melting in his hands and you wanted him to mold you to fit perfectly to him. Your hands traced down to his chest, feeling the muscles that pulled underneath his fitted black shirt. You took handfuls of the fabric into your fists as you smashed your lips to his, and he reciprocated immediately, like he was a robot built to respond to your commands. His hands flew everywhere, feeling every inch of you. They traced your thighs, slipped under your dress and up your spine, they traced the curves of your breasts and trailed up your neck, before stopping at the back of your head, bringing your face impossibly closer to his. He wanted you to mix together like a forbidden cocktail, whiskey and vodka, dark and light, never to be put together but when they are, they can be deadly. 

You pushed from his unforgiving hold, to look up at him, the two of you breathing heavily, gasping for air like all that was left in the room was sucked out of it. You stumbled backwards as he watched you quizzically, wondering why the fuck you weren’t glued to him right now. You wanted him to see you, fully. So you stopped walking backwards until your legs hit the end of the bed. 

Slowly, your fingers toyed with the hem of your dress, your cheeks heating as Toji smirked and crossed his arms. He watched you with a tilted head and his tongue poking at his cheek, in disbelief that you were his. But his smile dropped when you took hold of your dress and inched it up your soft skin, revealing the lace panties you had been wearing. Then you pushed the silk fabric past your belly button, and Toji could only imagine how that stomach would look big and swollen with his child. You stopped there, and slowly dragged your hands around your stomach, before they rested on top of your womb, your eyes never leaving one another. 

“I don’t care about the gender of the baby… as long as it’s our baby and we take care of it together,” you whispered as you fixed your gaze on Toji’s chest, too nervous to look him in the eye. A primitive feeling ignited within him as he witnessed those words leave your mouth. Someone wanted him, not for dirty work, not to be used, but to love him and share a love with him, he never thought himself capable of feeling compassion for another like this in his life. He wanted to claim you in every sense of the word, fill you up, and burn his name onto your heart. 

“You wanna give me a baby?” He growled from across the room, his shadows reached you from six feet away and enveloped your body, the vibrato of his voice shooting straight to your core. The idea of Toji marking you permanently made your insides curl, wet at the thought of it. Your eyes filled with lust and need, begging him to take you right here. He lost all of his senses as he looked at you turning into a needy little thing for him, breasts supple and on display as they heaved up and down. He imagined how they'd swell and fill with milk for his child, his gaze shot up to your lips, wet as you bit and licked at them, stains of the dark lip liner you had put on before you left, remaining on your skin like a ghost. Then they shot to your eyes, nearly tearing up with need, need to be touched and his completely. Something in you shifted when his gaze softened and his stance relaxed. 

“Fuck… I wanna give you a baby Toji.” You whispered as you felt the first tear roll down your cheek, and within seconds Toji was up against you once more, lips molding to yours and his hands tangled in your hair. The weight and force of him pushed you back as you prepared to hit the bed. You took one of his hands from behind your head and placed it on your stomach, pausing from the kiss to look at him, saying all you needed to tell him with the one stare. 

The rubber band inside of him snapped in that moment, he was madly in love with you, and the way you cared for Megumi so tenderly drove him up a wall. Watching you rock him to sleep, cook him breakfast in the morning, dance carelessly around the living room with him in your arms- he wanted to do it all over again with you, and start at the very beginning this time. He nodded frantically and wordlessly as he laid you back on the bed, pulling the heels off your feet as he crawled over you until he’d pushed you to the head of the bed, eyes never leaving yours. His lips met your collar bone, sucking on the skin that peaked beneath the strap of your dress, you wrapped a hand in his hair and pushed him into your chest as you whimpered, desperate for more.

He pulled his lips from your skin, placing a chaste kiss on the fresh bruise he mouthed onto your chest before placing a strong hand on your stomach, the other bringing itself to your head to make you look at him.  

“Fuck, princess… tell me what you want again.” He whispered, pushing down on the soft skin of your stomach and tracing circles around your belly button with his thumb. Something about that movement turned you feral, as Toji hit all the right spots within you with his words. You crashed your lips into his as you growled into his throat, staking your claim on him. Toji was yours, and you wanted to make sure he knew it. 

“M’hm…” You hummed as you rotate your hips into his thighs, “I wanna have your baby,” Toji squeezed your thighs before he pushed the rest of your dress up above your head, nearly panting as he watching your breasts spill out. He took one nipple into his mouth and the other in his hand, your body arching at the sudden change of pace. He sucked and twirled his tongue around the sensitive bud, the other hard and taught between the rough pads of his fingers. You always loved the way Toji could handle you, he was the only man that was ever able to give you exactly what you needed. It had always been that way, just you and him, becoming experts in each other’s bodies, memorizing every curve and trigger that made one another sing. 

He lifted himself up from your breasts so that his face was hovering above yours and your head was trapped between his arms, he looked at you… and for a second you could’ve sworn you saw sadness wash over his face.

“Tell me what you want me to do to you and I'll do it, tonight you have me completely,” Toji whispered, tracing the contours of your face. You hid in his shadows, unsure what to make of that statement. Your breathing was ragged as you searched his face for the cause of the sudden gloom he casted over the bed you two occupied. You reached up to trace the dips of his jaw and cheekbones, back around his head before your fingers lingered over his lips. 

“Toji, what’s wrong?” You asked wearily, “Don’t I have you completely every other night we spend together?” His gaze saddened, and this time it definitely had. You grew incredibly nervous, because despite the fact that you had Toji for two years… deep, deep down, you knew that he was a force that couldn’t be tamed.  

“I don’t want to lose you,” he whispered, his forehead dropping to your shoulder. He laid his body weight on top of you, caging you into him as if to protect you from an impending doom. 

“And because I can’t lose you…” Your breath hitched in your throat at his next set of words. You couldn’t let him finish. 

“Toji… no.” You whispered, wrapping your arms around his back and hugging him into you. 

“I’m sorry, I have to.” He shook in your hold, his hand wrapping around the back of your head and pushing it into his neck as you began to sob. You struggled to escape his grasp, you needed to fucking breathe. 

“Toji… get the fuck off of me.” You bit through tears, but he wouldn’t budge. 

“Let fucking go of me!” You pushed, squirming away when you felt him loosen up. You tripped your way out of the bed and hid yourself in the corner of the room, between the big TV and the bathroom. You sheltered your naked body by crossing your arms over your chest and your sobs became uncontrollable. You burned holes into his back as he knelt on the bed with his hands unfolded in his lap, he stared at them, empty and without you in them. 

“I have to leave-“ He began. 

“Shut up.” You whispered, begging him to stop.

“It’s the only way you and Megumi will be safe.” He pushed. 

“I don’t fucking care-“

“You don’t care about my son?” He screamed into the void of the bedsheets, the palms of his hands digging at his weary eyes. The statement shook you, it clawed at the deepest parts of you and ripped them out. Left you gutted. 

“How f-fucking dare you…” You choked, his back was still turned to you. You looked around the room in frantic disbelief, fists punching at your head. “You can at least turn around… and fucking LOOK AT ME… While you tell me that I don’t care about MY SON!”

You were towering above him now, for once in the years you had known this man the power dynamic had shifted. What was different was that you’d experienced another kind of love, and that love left you with a reflex that would cut anyone that threatened it. Toji had been training you up for this moment, the one where he would finally say he was leaving again, and you’d have to be there for Megumi on your own. 

You shoved at his back and he didn’t budge, so you shoved again, and again he didn’t budge. 

“He’s my son too….” You seethed, “ And I will not let you sit there with your back turned to me…” You continued as you rounded the bed so you were facing him. “Just so you can fucking tell me that I don’t care about him!” 

He kneeled as still as a statue, the silence surrounding him almost sickening. And the more you stared at Toji, the more you wanted to laugh. You were not going to fall for his bullshit game again, because in the two years that you’ve loved him you’ve also learned him. 

“You’re a coward, Toji…” You shot to kill. “If you meant what you said you can look me in the eye and say it again.” 

Knowing he wouldn’t budge, you crawled onto the bed and kneeled beneath him, forcing yourself to look up into his eyes. They looked empty. 

“Go ahead and tell me that I don’t love my son, Toji,” you smirked, eyes wild and alight as they were when Toji first set eyes upon you years ago, when he knew he had to have you. You grabbed his chin and tilted it upwards as you crawled into his lap, straddling him so he had nowhere to go, nothing else to look at but you, nothing else to feel but you. You put your lips to his and growled, nothing but heat laced in your words. 

“Be a man… be a father… and tell me that I don’t love my fucking son.” A tear slipped down his cheek, and you could see mountains move in his eyes and you watched the walls of that fortress crack after two years. His hands fell to your hips, locking you in. 

“I can’t,” he whispered, “I can’t tell you that.” Sorrow held heavy in his gaze, as he tried to kiss you with your lips on his. You wouldn’t let him, pushing his face back into place. 

“Then tell me… why you would lie to me Toji,” you asked softly, your sadness, your embarrassment returning. “Why would you leave me again? Have I not been good enough-“

“No,” he cut you off, “No, never.” 

“Then what is it! Tell me why you’re leaving- again!”  You sobbed, your vision of him blurry now. Your hands wrapped around the back of his head as you pulled his body into your bare chest, feeling the wetness of his cheeks against your breasts. You dropped your head into the crook of his neck and sobbed, “What haven’t I done to make you see how much I love you?” 

“It’s not what you didn’t do,” he resolved, “It’s what you did do.” You shook as his fingers kissed up and down your spine. “You have done everything- I could’ve asked for. I am scared of the way I love you… and I am scared of the way you love me.” He tried to pull your face from his neck but you were the immovable statue this time. 

“Look at me,” He says sternly, forcing you from your hiding spot. He places a tender kiss to the corner of your mouth. “I have never loved someone so much. I can’t stay away from you and I think that’ll be our downfall if I don’t leave now. My plan was never to stay, I was going to leave you with Megumi… but god, you’re like a fucking magnet. Of course I stumbled in after him and when I saw you sitting on that bed with him… my fate with you was set in stone, princess.” 

You were a blubbering baby, your hands holding his face as your thumbs rubbed his cheeks back and forth, like they were trying to memorize every scar and curve. You kissed his cheek as he continued, “It is everything you have made me… that’s the reason I have to leave. My work isn’t safe, once they know how soft I’ve become you will be the first people they target.” 

“Toji, I d-don’t care!” You blurted out, “I don’t care… I can take care of myself, I can take care of Megumi. Teach me then, huh? Teach me to f-fight o-o-or use a gun… please Toji… I need you here.” You weren’t even sure of what you were saying, you were just saying anything to keep him here longer. 

“You are all I have left-“ He pushed. 

“As you are to me!” You bit back. 

“Toji, you are all I have… please… please can we try?”

You practically begged, “What about our baby? Was that all just shit to get me to sleep with you one last time? Hm?” 

“No, of course not!” He shot back, words fiery and filled with passion. 

“So you were gonna what? Toji? Knock me up and leave?” You asked silently, holding your eye contact with him. “Because I really wanted- I really wanted to have that with you.” 

He bit back tears, swallowing deeply as you drilled into him. He just shook his head, if he wanted to keep you in his life he had to do this. He had to let you go. He gently pushed you off of him one last time, wincing when he felt you reach for him, your hand gracing his. 

“N-no Toji… no, please,” you begged, his heart tearing as he walked closer to the door, gathering his things slowly. He jolted when he felt your small body press into his back, hugging him from behind and shaking. It took everything in him to fight the urge to place his hand over yours. But feeling you slide to the floor behind him made him turn around to look at you. He had done it, he had broken you, and for the first time in his life he was disgusted that he had done that to someone. 

“Get up,” he choked. 

You refused. 

“Get. Up!” 

“No.”

“I’m not leaving you on the floor like this-“

“Then don’t fucking leave! You asshole!” You screamed at him wildly, smacking at his legs with weak jabs, the picture of a child throwing a tantrum. 

“If you ever loved me or Megumi you would stay!” You cried, “You would stay… and you would try for us…” 

“You can’t say that-“

“Yes I can because it’s true,” you shot your words at him like bullets leaving a gun, short and quick, one after the other. 

“When I agreed to take Megumi under my care… I said I would do it only if you stayed with me. I said I wasn’t going to let you run away. And if you think for a second that I didn’t mean it then you really are fucking dense Fushiguro.” 

Toji’s mouth quirked at the sound of you using his surname, you haven’t done that for a while. He set his sights on you for a reason all those years ago, he knew you were strong, he knew you were unwavering. He just never thought he’d meet someone as stubborn if not more stubborn than him. That’s why he knew you were the one he was going to leave Megumi with. And even now as he looked down at you he knew he made the right decision. You would chase him into the parking lot naked if he made a run for it and he knew that. No one was better for his family than you. His heart dropped when he felt your hand reach up to his, releasing him from his train of thought. You were beautiful. And he was sorry. And stupid for thinking that this wasn’t going to go over without a fight. He tightened his grip on your hand and knelt down to kiss it. Every knuckle. Every fingertip. And he knelt into your touch when you cradled his face.

You saw him make a swift movement from the corner of your eye, and you couldn’t move fast enough when you felt a piece of heavy metal weigh down your hand. In it Toji had placed a gun, you knew he always carried one but he’d keep it concealed around you. So you’d never actually seen it. To be holding it right now… you didn’t know what to do. You watched him as he moved to kneel behind you, his hand never leaving yours that held the revolver. 

You gasped as he brought an arm around your waist, fixing your posture so you were upright. And he adjusted your arms so the gun was pointing at the door of the motel room. His hands laid loosely over yours and his head rested in the crook of your neck. Your breathing grew heavy when he traced from your hand all the way back to your upper arm, fixing its position and propping it up at a 90 degree angle. 

“It’s like a dance, you see.” He whispered into your ear. 

“If you hold it properly, and give it room to move,” he loosened your grip on the trigger. 

“Not too tight, princess…” You let out a breath you hadn’t realized you’d been holding.

“It’ll hit all the right steps…” His finger covered yours on the trigger and you felt your heart stop, “and you’ll shoot ‘em dead.” 

“Bang!” Toji mimicked the sound of a gun as you jumped backwards into him and screamed, eyes squeezed shut. But you didn’t feel the reverb of the gun, you didn’t hear anything piercing the wooden door, only the vibration of Toji’s low chuckle in his throat. You turned around to see him propped up on both arms, staring at you in amusement while you stared at him in shock. 

Your hands shook as you examined the gun in your hands, before looking back up at his smiling face. His hands covered yours as he slowly took it out of your grip. 

“What the fuck, Toji?” You whispered, scared as if you’d actually shot something. 

“Safety’s on, sweetheart.” He teased, wrapping an arm around your neck and bringing you into him to place a wet kiss on your mouth. “I’ll let you do the real thing once you start getting good.” 

“What?” You stared at him in disbelief, but he didn’t miss that glimmer of excitement in your eyes. 

“I’ll teach you how to use a gun, I’ll teach you to fight, I’ll teach you whatever you want to know… so we can keep our kid safe.” He whispered, looking down at you with a warm smile on his face. 

“Yeah?” 

“Yes…” He whispered, “…I love you.” He added. 

“I love you too,” you almost didn’t believe it. 

“I mean it… I love you.” He repeated, like he could read your mind. But you were still hurt, and angry, and everything bad you could feel you felt. 

“I- prove it to me… that you mean it… I’ve proved myself to you enough tonight Toji… and I won’t stand to be made a fool,” your words bit, and you hope he felt them draw blood. Toji pulled you back into his chest and buried his face in your hair, taking in your scent. 

“You want me to prove it?” He whispered. His hands start to trail up your thighs, his mouth begins to place kisses on your neck. You sighed at his touch, placing your hands over his on your body. 

“Mhm,” you whimpered, leaning into his chest, your body becoming overly sensitive to his movements again. Toji’s hands pushed at your thighs, “Open up for me, princess.” You did as you were told, sliding your feet slowly so they could meet his boots on the carpeted floor, putting your clothed heat on display for him. He continued to draw circles on your thighs, more forcefully now, inching your legs open wider. 

“T-Toji, please,” you choked out, growing impatient. 

“Tell me what you want,” he whispered in your ear, sliding his hand under the waistband of your panties, his cold fingers scorched by your hot skin, “Come on… tell me, pretty girl. Had no problem biting my head off a moment ago.” 

“Fuck you,” you seethed through gritted teeth, trying to amass any pleasure from rutting your hips upwards. 

“Suppose I deserved that,” he chuckled, you could feel his chest shaking against your back. You leaned back into him and swung either of your legs over his highs, opening yourself up wide and demanding he touch you. “Dirty girl, that’s how you got tangled up with me in the first place- were just too damn needy…” His hand slipped under the crotch of your panties and you jerked as he placed his palm flat against you. Toji hissed at the wetness that met his skin, grabbing a handful of the slinky lace into his fist and tearing the cheap fabric off your body, “I’ll have to get you new ones.” 

“Please, Toji, please,” you were practically whimpering, begging for him. Jolting as he slapped your waiting cunt once, catching you off guard as you hissed at him. You placed your hand around his forearm and guided it as he massaged the sting of his strike out. 

“Tell me-“ He began again, letting his fingers slide up and down your folds, collecting all of the wetness before bringing them up to your mouth. You looked up at him behind you and he simply raised a brow, silently suggesting that you knew what to do. You took his hand in yours and dipped your mouth down onto the two fingers he pulled from beneath you, licking and sucking your arousal off of them. 

“Good girl, now tell me…” He pulled his fingers from your mouth and shoved them back down to your weeping heat, this time pushing them in and curling them upwards, holding you in place as your body contracted. 

“T-oji my god!” You gasped at the sudden movement. He shushed you, pressing his lips to your ear as his fingers writhed inside of you, “Shhh… tell me about how you’ve dreamed about giving me another baby,” Toji insisted, a glimmer of that ego shining through as he continued his ministrations, more aggressively this time, beginning to pump two fingers in and out of your cunt. 

“Mph-fuck, Toji please-” His fingers continued, pushing in and out of you, kissing your ear when your head dropped back onto his shoulder.

“Tell me, pretty girl, and I’ll give you more,” he began to speed up, wrapping his spare arm around your torso to hold you flush against him, spreading his thighs further, ensuring that your legs spread with him. You moaned at the action, rutting your hips up into his hand as you gave him what he wanted. 

“I- I’ve dreamed about it since we first bought the house together…” He began to place chaste kisses on your neck, sucking on the supple skin, adding a third finger inside of you. “Fuck… that’s too much To-”

“I think you can take it, how could you have my kids if you can’t even take three of my fingers, princess?” He started to pump slowly, letting you adjust to the size. “Now, go on.”

Your breathing was disorderly, your hands grabbing onto his thighs as you felt yourself swallow the girth of his fingers whole. “Ah- okay… w-we bought the house a-and, I think…” You thought back to the first time you set foot in the house after it was officially yours, you were in love with the Victorian architecture and since you loved it Toji loved it even more. 

“I think watching you paint Megumi’s room that bright blue… seeing you covered in paint… making sure e-everything was perfect for him.” You hadn’t even noticed him speeding up, until he started circling your clit with his thumb and you could’ve sworn you were gonna explode. “Toji- please, I think I’m going to-” 

“Not yet… finish,” he urged and you protested before you felt him land another strike to your clit, “Now.” 

“Oh, my god!” Your eyes crossed when he resumed, your abdomen shaking at the sensation, “W-watching you made me realize t-that… t-that we were going to b-be okay-ah!” The arm around your torso made its way up to your breasts, pinching and twisting at your nipples. “...It made me realize t-that I want to be in this- w-with you…hmph… for a long t-time…” You looked up at him with pursed eyebrows and your mouth agape, finding him already staring at you. His face was warm, your entire being felt warm. And then he sped up, fingers pounding in and out of you, his mouth dropping back down to your neck to litter it with hickies, your legs grew stiff and you frantically jutted up into the palm of his hand. 

“Toji- fuck! Please, please-”

“Tell. Me.” He growled, not letting up on his movements.

“I-I- oh fuck… I realized that I wanted to be with you… f-forever, To-ji. I wanted to h-have more kids w-with you a-and raise a f-amily…” Your eyes held his and you felt your toes curl and your insides turn. His mouth connected with yours, holding your jaw in place, as he growled into your mouth.

“Cum.”

You saw stars as his grip on your jaw tightened, swallowing all of your moans, all of your cries, and drinking them like they were a forbidden elixir. He held your legs open with his, pumping in and out of you relentlessly as he held your shaking body. You felt his length, hard against the small of your back, and you lost it completely when you felt him needily rutting up into you through his black denim. “Fuck Toji! I’m cumming. I’m cumming- ah!” 

You two were a sweaty bundle of bodies, desperately rutting into each other, trying to be impossibly close to one another. You reached an arm around his neck and drew him into a wet kiss, hungrily biting and sucking on his lips, his tongue, any inch of him you could take in. 

“More. Toji, please, I need you more.” You begged when his fingers finally released you. You wanted each other in ways you never had before, this time was… different. This time you two were consummating your own version of a fucked-up marriage. In sickness and health. In life and death. You would have each other completely. You felt how needy he was, the scent of your arousal on his mouth, on his hands, lingering everywhere, it turned him into an animal. You turned to face him and helped him out of his clothes. Peeling the shirt off his sweaty body as he kicked his boots off, licking a stripe up his abdomen with heaving breaths, your eyes never leaving him as you panted for him, need dripping off your tongue. Once you got to his neck, you began to leave bite marks along his collarbone, his jaw, your bare cunt rutting into his crotch, growling at the cotton boxer-briefs that kept skin from skin. Toji’s hands grazed over your body, tracing every curve and valley, letting you devour him, take him, do what you wanted with him. 

“Take these off,” You breathed against his neck, fingers pulling at the waistband of the boxers, he chuckled, grabbing you by the back of the head and forcing your eyes to meet his, “As you wish, mama.” 

Sure, there were partners before Toji, and the sex was fine. But no one had ever made you act the way he made you act. You were a partnership of two antagonists, just prodding and poking at each other to see who could make the other crazier. You were sure that tonight, Toji would win. 

Mama.

You saw stars at the word and he knew it. Toji watched your eyes grow as dark as his in seconds, trailing his every movement as he lifted his hips up and slid his boxers down his legs. You watched his cock smack his stomach, so rock hard it looked like it hurt. You needed him in cynical, territorial ways. As did he to you. 

“If you don’t put a baby in me right now Fushiguro…” His eyes widened at the vulgarness of your demand. He watched you kneel just feet away from him, observed the way your chest was heaving up and down, the locket he gifted you, the one you never took off, moving with it. He noticed the way your breasts looked heavier, nipples puffier. He noticed your arousal dripping down your thigh, he had never seen you so wet. And lastly, he noticed the way your hands guarded your stomach, as if they were guarding your precious womb until he came around to mark it. 

“Get on your back,” he barked, climbing over to you swiftly, not giving you time to follow his directions on your own as he had you laid down against the carpet in seconds. He licked his lips as he watched you draw your bitten lips into your mouth, waiting for him to do something.

“Tonight I am going to fucking worship you,” he growled, smashing his lips to yours, jamming his tongue down your throat and licking you everywhere unholy. His lips trailed down your breasts, your stomach, and he stopped above your thighs, leaving bite marks all the way down. He blew a puff of air onto your sticky heat, before teasing you with a small lick. The second your thighs flew upwards his hands held them down, gripping onto the fat like they were lifesavers. He stuck his tongue in your folds, firmly tracing circles around your clit and following the patterns of your vulva. 

“Toji!” You screamed, almost as if you wanted him to stop. But that couldn’t be further from the truth, you needed him to keep going. One of your hands tangled in his hair as the other held onto his, your body writhing like a fish out of water as he continued to suck and pull at your core, groaning into you every time you rode your hips against his face. 

“I-I can’t, please I’m-” You gasped for air, desperately moving your body up and down with his mouth, riding out the waves of pleasure he was giving you. Your body was still sensitive from  your orgasm just moments ago, you felt like you could burst at any moment. But Toji didn’t stop, he kept blowing air onto your clit, fucking you with his tongue and biting the soft skin around your mound. He reached up to grab hold of one of your breasts, squeezing and pinching as he himself ground into the carpet he laid upon. Your moans and your taste were his jet fuel, and he was getting off to every second of it. You watched his ass flex as he repeated his movements, drawing circles into the carpet with his cock. The sight of him desperately humping nothing sent you over the edge, screaming as you pulled at his hair, your thighs closing around his head.

“TojiohmygodI’mcummingfuck!” Your words came out a sloppy mess, unable to do anything but praise him for being so good to you. He continued to place kisses on your inner thighs until you were done riding out your high, your body finally falling back to the floor. 

“Feel okay?” He asked calmly, rising to his knees as your body occasionally twitched in your post-orgasmic euphoria. He ran his hands up and down your torso, gently massaging once he got down to your pelvic bones, working out the knots and work you had just put in to getting off on his face. He knelt down to kiss you deeply, tenderly this time, inhaling your scent and running his hand over your head.

“You’re so beautiful,” he whispered. His eyes searching for answers in yours, “I’m sorry,” he uttered, digging his forehead into the crook of your neck. “I’m sorry I tried to run away, you don’t deserve that.”

“Toji… I- I love you.” He kissed your forehead, his hand hitching themselves underneath your thighs, watching your eyebrows furrow together while he inched your knees up slowly.

“This comfortable?” He asked you for reassurance again and you nodded, and he pushed a little further, until your knees nearly touched your shoulders, you winced a little at the stretch of it, inhaling and exhaling deeply as he waited for you to adjust. When you open your eyes he’s looking down at you, kissing the insides of your calves and massaging them. 

“It hurts a little?” He asks again gently and you nod. He chuckles quietly as he leans down to kiss you, you inhale sharply as he puts pressure on your legs, stretching your hamstrings even more than intended.

“If I’m gonna put a baby in you, this is the best way, princess.” 

His words ran straight to your core, and you nodded frantically, feeling like a teenager having sex for the first time. So eager to feel him. This time with Toji felt different, call it- fucking with intention. Both of you felt the thickness of the air, you knew how much this meant. He placed a chaste kiss to your lips before whispering against them, “Let me know if you need me to stop.” 

Your eyes nearly crossed at the suggestion of him fucking you so hard you’d need to call it in, you just wanted to feel him already, “Mhm… Toji, please.”

His head dropped to your chest as you wrapped your arms around his neck, gripping him tighter when you felt his tip prop itself at your entrance. He laid his body flat against yours, you screamed at the burning in your legs, folded back against you with the weight of his body, but you wanted more. His arms caged your head in on either side and that was when you felt it. Toji watched the way your face contorted, your mouth dropping and eyes squeezing shut as he filled you at an angle he never had.

“Fuuuck,” he exhaled, inching his length into you further and further. He felt you claw at his back, skin sticking under your fingernails as you groaned with him, two animals fucking to conceive. The most primitive state of the human, fucking to reproduce, to bear offspring, to grow a family. 

“Toji-”

“Yes, princess,” he cut you off, “Oh fuck,” he gasped, bottoming out inside you, before hoisting your waist up to his and slinging your legs over his shoulders.

“T-Toji I’m so full!” You whined, grabbing onto his thighs folded on the floor as he knelt before you, buried deep in your cunt. 

“I know, baby, I know… be good and let me put a baby in you, okay?” He asked, placing kisses to your calves once again. You panted, nodding up at him while he made his first move. You groaned as he pulled himself out, before splitting you back open and bottoming out once again, “Fuck Toji, I need-” 

You felt it snap inside you again, whatever it was that made you feral, foaming at the mouth for the feeling of him inside you. “Toji I need you to fuck me…” You ground your hips into his, grasping at anything to give you leverage on his length. He looked down at you wearily, always so delicate, so fragile, “I don’t know if I should-”

“Fuck, Toji! Stop treating me like I’m glass and fuck me!” His eyes grew dark at your words, but still a glint of remorse held him back. You smacked at his chest, then looked down to remember that he was balls deep inside you, he seemed to remember at the same time because his stare turned wicked, “Look at me, Toji... I need you to fuck me baby.” 

You felt him begin to pick up his pace, slowly but surely rutting into you, fucking you deeper and deeper with every thrust. “F-uck, Toji!” Your mouth dropped as you watched a string of spit leave his mouth and drip on to where his cock and your cunt met, you gasped for air when he reached down to spread it around, lubing you up and preparing to go deeper, “T-oji, TojiTojiTojiii, please baby.”

“Yes, pretty girl. Fuck yes.” He gritted through his teeth, groaning at the way your tits bounced with every thrust, he reached out and cupped one in his hand, “Fuck, your tits are gonna be so full in a few months…” Your eyes rolled back at the way he groped it, playing with your nipple. Then your eyes fell to where you two connected and his gaze followed, the two of you watching Toji reappear and disappear inside of you, your wetness covering his cock, and his arousal being shoveled deeper and deeper inside of you.

You squealed as he thrusted harder, laying on top of you and rutting down into your heat. “Go ahead and touch yourself for me,” Toji instructed, and so you did. And a familiar feeling began to bubble up in your stomach, and for the third time that night Toji would ruin you. 

“Toji, please oh fuck-” He brought a hand up to your sweaty forehead, blowing air on it to cool you down, he then took your hand and placed it on your stomach, smirking as your eyes widened at what you felt.

“Feel that? Feel me inside of you?” He whispered, kissing you swiftly, feeling himself come close. You were a mess of moans and whines and you couldn’t even begin to explain the things that Toji was making you feel.

“Y-yes… yesyesyesdaddyIfeelit!” You cried as you circled your clit faster and pulled him closer, “Fuck yes! Right there baby, fuck me right there!” 

Toji growled, his hands now clawing at your thighs, the picture of two animals fucking wildly. Something sent him tipping past sanity as he pushed your legs all the way back, your ass up in the air as he thrusted down into you.

“Call me that again…” He seethed, grinning cynically at the way your eyes glazed over, his hand wrapped itself around your throat, enough to let you breathe. The sensation was overbearing, you started writhing underneath him, squirming and twitching while he kept his pace.

“F-uck,” you choked out, cracking what smile you could with Toji’s hand restricting you, “I want you to fill me up, Daddy.” Toji saw red, and blue, and every color that you helped him see in the past two years, and he fucked them all back into you. He kissed you with tenacity, lips tangled with lips and limbs tangled with limbs.

“I’m close,” he seethed.

“Me too,” you whispered.

“Boy or girl, tell me and I’ll fill you,” he whispered against your lips, saliva, snot and sweat mixing as you two breathed heavily into each other's mouths. Toji’s neck turned red the longer he held in his orgasm, the veins of his arms popping as he held you tightly, maneuvering you so you were in the perfect position to receive him. 

“I told you I don’t care,” you whispered back, feeling yourself close to the brink, tears forming in your eyes, “I told you I d-don’t care as long as I raise them with you.”

He smiled, “Pick a wild card.”

You smiled back.

“Girl,” you whispered. With your arms holding him closely against you, Toji began to writhe, his abdomen jerking in and out as he tried to control the strength of his orgasm.

“Fuck!” He screamed, fucking his seed into you, filling you up with himself. You pulled his face to yours and kissed him tenderly while you felt yourself clench around his length, milking him and riding out another orgasm of your own. 

“Yes,Toji! Yesyesyes!” You wrapped your legs around his torso and held him there, feeling his body twitch as he continued to shoot loads of himself into you. Your body shook as you took everything he had to give you, placing your hands atop his as he held your legs back, the two of you watching him push every drop that fell out back in. 

To think that you and Toji would end up here, there was a time when he was nothing but a fuck buddy to you, and you to him, now you desired something so intimate, so binding to his being. You couldn’t help but laugh breathlessly in his arms, and with that he looked down at you, smiling. Toji admittedly never smiled a lot before he met you, but as he looked down at you, he couldn’t be happier to smile in your presence. 

“Do you think we… got it?” You asked him, out of breath.

He raised his eyebrows, “You would doubt my work?” You smacked his chest and pushed him off of you, attempting to stand up but finding yourself weak in the knees. Toji approached you from behind and lifted you up slowly, wrapping his arms around you and pulling you into him.

“I think we should try the bed out next,” he whispered, “See if it’s still any good?” 

You looked up at him in disbelief, “You want to do that again?” 

“You don’t?” He smirked.

“Well I-” You thought for a second while you melted into his hold, “I don’t not want to do that again.” He emitted a dark sound, while kissing the top of your head, and leading you step by step over to the old mattress. 

“Remember the first time we had sex here? I think I tied you to the headboard,” he suggested casually. Your hands tensed around his before you spun yourself around to face him, wanting to smack him, grin and all. He pushed himself into you and grabbed handfuls of your ass, lifting you up into him and taking in the sight.

“For old times sake, princess,” he persisted. Your tongue pushed at the inside of your cheek as you considered the idea. You supposed mother’s had to have fun too.

“...Just this once, asshole.”

“God, I love it when you call me that.”

© 2023 mitsery - do not repost my work to any other platforms

[rosanna-writer]

Karma Is My Boyfriend (2/?)

Summary: Elain Archeron saved countless lives by vanquishing Graysen Nolan, her literal demon of a fiancé. She's a hero, but it's just not fair that being a good witch destined to rid the world of evil has left her tragically, painfully single. Enter Lucien Vanserra, the best cupid in the business, who's been sent by the universe to balance the karmic scales and find Elain the perfect new partner…

Happy day two of @elucienweekofficial!!! The people I can't thank enough include both the wonderful event organizers and ALSO the friends who generously allowed me to mine their dating app horror stories for fic potential <3

The whole fic can be found Here on AO3, or you can start with chapter one here on tumblr and read the second chapter under the cut.

Lucien was waiting with his feet up on her desk in the back of Roots 'n Shoots the next day. After her conversation with Rhys, Elain had loosened the wards around the store, though she hadn't expected Lucien to just…winnow directly into her office before she arrived.

But he already had steaming cup of her favorite herbal blend ready, so Elain decided not to give him an earful, even though she disliked being relegated to the spare chair she kept for guests.

"Are we on some sort of deadline?" she said, dropping her bag on the floor. "It's still quite early."

Lucien gave another elegant shrug. "I hate burning daylight."

In the past year, the Archeron manor had been full of…well, night people. Elain appreciated that Lucien seemed not to be another one. "Likewise," she said, taking a sip of tea.

He'd stirred in the amount of sugar she preferred, and she decided not to ask whether that information was contained in her file as well. She wasn't sure she wanted to know.

Lucien produced a cell phone seemingly out of nowhere and held the screen up for her to see. "I've already gotten started on making you a Tinder."

If Elain had been any less of a lady, she would have spat her tea all over him. Lucien was supposed to be an expert at helping people find love—but apparently all he had too offer was a dating app she was perfectly capable of navigating herself.

"It's quite helpful of you to be so on top of it," she said, though the icy chill in her voice made it clear she wasn't grateful at all.

"We'll cover more ground using an app. And with a cupid helping you screen your matches, you're guaranteed not to meet up with any douches, dirtbags, or demons."

Elain hesitated, worrying her lower lip with her teeth. It was true that she'd sworn off dating since Greysen—no matter how much Nesta and Feyre reminded her that the best way to get over someone was to get under someone else. With a busy shop to run and innocents to save, she'd insisted that she'd rather spend her precious few nights out catching up with friends.

Which was true, of course. But it wasn't the whole story, and the way Lucien's smirk melted into something softer told her he knew it. "You'll be safe with me," he said more gently. "I promise you're in good hands, Elain."

"Thank you," she said, taking the phone from him with a sigh.

Elain scrolled through the beginnings of the profile he'd set up for her. The photos of her seemed to be stolen from Feyre's private Instagram, but her artistic little sister had such a knack for finding good lighting that Elain decided not to question how Lucien had gotten them. His information was accurate, too: 5' 9", interested in both men and women, looking for something serious, plant mom, avid baker, all of it.

"I think this will do," she said.

"Is there anything else I should know before we get started?"

Elain took a moment to consider it—he'd covered everything. Well, almost. "No women named Elaine with two e's."

"Understandable. When I dated before becoming a cupid, I wouldn't touch a Lucian with an a. Moaning your own name in bed feels wrong."

"Exactly," Elain said with a laugh. It was a relief he understood, but at the same time, a bit irritating to find herself warming to him after what an ass he'd been the day before. But then, she thought again about what he said, and… "Cupids can't date?"

His mechanical eye clicked a few times, and she didn't know what to make of it. "It's not strictly forbidden, but that's…not something that's in the cards for me anymore."

There was a finality in his voice that Elain wasn't brave enough to question. Besides, Lucien's love life was hardly her concern, anyway. She handed the phone back to him and let him finish setting up the profile.

Something in Elain's chest went uncomfortably tight as they began looking through matches. Maybe this was a mistake. Surely it was better to stay single forever than to risk another disaster…

Not that she'd be going anywhere with the first man whose profile appeared. His face was hardly visible under the brim of an ill-fitting camo baseball cap, and he was holding up a fish.

She swiped left. And the next profile belonged to another man holding up a fish. And the next. And the next.

After five near-identical profiles of would-be fishermen in a row, Elain was beginning to wonder if there was anyone out there even worth messaging.

She let out a huff of frustration. "Do these people have any other hobbies besides fishing?"

"Clearly none of them are getting assistance from a cupid. Any of us would tell them there are better ways to give off the impression that they're well-endowed," Lucien said, picking at his nails.

"Is— Is that what they're doing?" Elain felt her cheeks go pink despite herself.

"Trying to, at least. And speaking from experience, it's really only impressive when that fish was caught with your bare hands."

Lucien was so….well-groomed that Elain struggled to picture it. He struck her as the sort of person who'd insist the Sidra was disgusting even though plenty of people happily swam in the clear blue river every summer. She couldn't imagine him just wading right into a lake or a stream. "Is it?"

"Those big fishing poles are a crutch for people who aren't skilled with their hands."

Elain couldn't help but glance at his hands. She hadn't quite noticed how big they were when he'd first come into her shop the day before, but now that he was closer, she found herself wondering how much they'd dwarf hers if she interlaced those long, elegant fingers with her own…

Not that it mattered. Lucien was there to help her find true love, not hold her hand.

"I see," she murmured, swiping to the next profile. This man, at least, wasn't holding a fish, which would have been a relief if it wasn't something a million times more mortifying.

Tamlin Springfield—Feyre's ex-fiancé.

He was staring into the camera, a violin tucked under his chin. Elain supposed the expression on his face was meant to be soulful, but truthfully…he just looked constipated.

"Please tell me you aren't insane enough to seriously consider your sister's ex," Lucien said, wrinkling his nose. "I'd rather not deal with the drama."

Elain stilled. "How do you know he's my sister's ex?" There was no way that file was extensive enough to list out her sisters' dating histories, too.

Oh gods, had she been too quick to trust him?

Annoyingly, Lucien just smirked despite the suspicion that had crept into her voice. "Most cupids stopped using arrows a long time ago, but we still learn to shoot because the elders grumble about tradition. Feyre's the most patient archery instructor to come along in centuries, so of course we all pitched in to help her out with Rhysand after that nasty business with Tamlin's curse."

Whatever the cupids did had worked. Last night, Nesta and Cassian were out teaching their weekly judo class, so it had just been Elain at home with Feyre and Rhys, who'd cuddled up on the couch, his wing wrapped around her shoulders while they made disgustingly cute heart eyes at each other. She'd retreated to the kitchen to bake and avoid them.

It still seemed too much to believe that with Lucien's help, she could find love like that, too.

"Well, I'm not matching with him, but hold on a second," Elain said, taking a screenshot and sending it to her sisters.

She quickly muted the chat before Nesta or Feyre had a chance to ask how things were going with Lucien. The last thing she needed was an interrogation.

The next profile after Tamlin's was a woman—and finally, someone who looked promising. In her picture, Briar was standing in a greenhouse, and her smattering of freckles, floppy straw sunhat, and fresh-faced beauty were exactly Elain's type.

There was some sort of audio player embedded on the page. Odd. Elain hadn't seen that before, but perhaps Briar was particularly conscious about making her profile accessible to the visually impaired.

She looked a question at Lucien, who just gave another one of those elegant shrugs she was beginning to suspect were his calling card.

Elain hit play. And the sound of Briar, greeting visitors to her page in a voice that sounded exactly like Kermit the Frog, filled the room. Elain clapped a hand to her mouth to stifle a giggle. Her eyes slid to Lucien, silently asking him if he was hearing this, too.

He somehow managed to keep a straight face until Briar began to sing, and his shoulders shook with laughter as she painfully warbled her way through "One More Sleep 'til Christmas." Elain couldn't hit pause fast enough.

"I know the conventional wisdom is that you'll have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince, but…" Lucien said, trailing off as Elain's giggle grew in to out-and-out laughter.

The fist that seemed to always be clenched around her chest these days loosened just a bit. If Elain wasn't mistaken, she was having…fun. Since Greysen, she'd felt that way so rarely that she'd almost forgotten what it was like.

After a few more quick swipes left, Elain finally paused on the profile of a man who had the kindest blue eyes she'd ever seen. Tarquin Sommers was an oceanographer who spent his free time attending beach cleanups and teaching children to surf.

And it certainly helped that he had a gorgeous, muscular swimmer's body, too.

Elain's finger hovered over the screen, and Lucien noticed, his mechanical eye seeming to whirr with excitement. "Tarquin is a sea witch," he said gently, "so he'll be perfectly understanding of the whole slaying demons thing, if that's your concern."

"That's good to know," Elain said. "He's— He's very pretty."

"And not on the cupids' no-fly list, either. I recommend you start with him."

Elain told herself that the knots in her stomach were just excitement and swiped right.

A few days later, Elain found herself waiting outside a coffee shop—one of the cute local ones that advertised fair trade beans and used biodegradable cups. She was so out of practice that Feyre did her makeup, and her lavender romper had needed several rounds of Nesta's wrinkle-removal spell after being relegated to a heap at the back of her closet for so long.

But Elain made it. She was going to do this.

Lucien was already inside, sipping a dirty chai while pretending to read a book but really keeping an eye on her through the window. He'd offered to keep his distance and give them some privacy, but there was something about his presence that Elain found incredibly reassuring. She'd asked him to stay.

And honestly, he was probably the only reason she hadn't panicked and cancelled at the last minute.

Tarquin greeted her with an easy smile. He'd swapped out the board shorts in his picture for jeans that hugged his ass and a crisp white t-shirt that matched his hair and made his dark skin glow. Elain let him lead her inside.

They ordered their drinks, and somehow, the world didn't end as they made conversation. Elain had been good at this kind of thing, once. Before her life had been demonic crisis after crisis, she'd hosted parties and loved flirting and getting to know new people.

But now, she hardly spent any time with anyone who wasn't Feyre, Nesta, Rhys, or Cassian. She loved her family, but…she'd shut herself away.

It helped that Tarquin seemed like the sort of person who was easy to love. Barely a few minutes into their date, they'd already found common ground in a shared interest in aquatic plants.

In fact, Elain was so interested in coastal seagrass that she excitedly gestured with her cup. The lid went flying, and suddenly Tarquin's white shirt had a bright green matcha stain that extended all the way from his collar to his hem.

Elain wanted to disappear on the spot. She should have just accepted that she couldn't date without mucking everything up, and it was better to cut this short while the mess was still small enough that it could be taken care of with bleach instead of a vanquishing spell so complex it drained all of her power for weeks afterward. She'd been so monumentally stupid for—

Lucien caught her eye from across the café. "Elain," he said gently, but still loud enough that his voice carried to her. "It's quite alright."

Something inside her settled. She managed a weak smile in his direction. Lucien grinned back, snapped his fingers, and then Elain found herself in the same spot she'd been thirty seconds prior.

Their drinks weren't finished yet. Tarquin's shirt was still perfectly clean.

Lucien had turned back time to fix her date.

Elain repeated what she'd already said about seagrass meadows, and Tarquin didn't seem to notice anything was amiss. This time, she was careful not to spill her drink as they talked.

The whole thing was…nice. Tarquin's stories about swimming with dolphins back home in Adriata were charming, and he listened with intent, genuine interest as Elain explained how the ratio of white to brown sugar in a cookie recipe affected the texture of the final product. And he was even better-looking in person.

But still, a spark was missing. When it was time to leave, Elain turned her head at the last moment so that the goodbye kiss intended for her lips landed on her cheek instead.

Lucien was already in the living room of the Archeron manor when Elain winnowed home that evening—somehow, he'd secured a dinner invite from Nesta. He was lounging on their sofa, looking strangely at home as he fixed the fletching on one of Feyre's arrows. His auburn hair looked molten in the golden hour light streaming in from the windows.

"Well?" he said, looking up as she walked in.

"It was good," Elain said.

Lucien turned to face her fully, placing his feet flat on the floor and his hands on his knees. He tilted his head, and the glint of metal in his golden eye looked strangely predatory. "Just good?"

A pleasant shiver skittered its way down Elain's spine. "Yes."

"We should be doing a hell of a lot better than 'just good.'"

He stood, tapping the arrow on his palm as he approached her. His gaze traveled slowly down her body, and Elain's throat bobbed. Lucien came closer and closer, until she could feel heat radiating off of him.

A spark had been missing with Tarquin earlier, but Lucien was a gods-damned inferno of a cupid.

"Should we?" Elain breathed.

"I'm not giving up until you've been thoroughly swept off your feet. You deserve nothing less. But I think you're blocked, and it's time to try a different approach."

Before she could ask what that meant, Feyre called them into the kitchen for dinner.

[buckyscrystalqueen]

Winter Wolf: Part 15

Pairings: Bucky x Reader

Warnings: Swearing, fluff, angst

Word Count: 4,421

A/N: Finally got the muse to finish this story! YAY!

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7 / Part 8 / Part 9 / Part 10 / Part 11 / Part 12 / Part 13 / Part 14

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I want it to look like a plantation house.” You said as you stood in front of what was left of your house between a general contractor, and Bucky as you bounced Ana on your hip, while you looked at another contractor that dealt with historic homes, specifically, and Tony, who was paying for the reconstruction. It had taken him a month of cutting red tape, but on the afternoon of your one year anniversary, he handed you the updated deed and a photo of the new metal arch across your driveway with the real name of your plantation and the real year it was established displayed proudly beneath it.

“I want the same wide wrap around porch, and the balcony on the second floor with all glass French doors. I want the white columns, and my stone fireplace in the parlor, and wood floors throughout. Oh, and I want to see my willow through my bedroom windows. Everything else, you can ask Bucky for. But the kitchen has to be in the back, left corner, and it has to have six bedrooms. Four up, and two down- one on either side of the first floor. Classic.” You finished as you switched Ana on your hip and turned to let her play in the willow tree. “Oh, and bathrooms. Lots of bathrooms. And air conditioning. And a swing in that oak tree over there.”

“Did you want to knock down that old workers house still, doll?” Bucky asked as you put your daughter down, and held on to her hands so she could stretch her legs.

“Yep! Get rid of it.” You called out with a nod. “That’s what we’ll do, Anastasia. When Daddy’s done, we’ll walk back and go look at the little river where you can sit and play in the water. You’d like that, huh? Better than being raised in a tower.” You sighed and sat down in the short grass with a small smile. “We’ve really come full circle here, baby girl.” You said as you shifted her grip on your fingers. “I really hope your mom would like us moving you here. I think she would. You’re gunna have a huge yard to play in, and your own room. And we can start a garden again, and we can plant some more apple and peach trees in the back. And I think I remember how to fish, but maybe Daddy does so he can teach us both. And maybe we can get you a little pool to play in on hot days…” You paused for a moment as you looked over at the distant sound of tires turning into your driveway. “James…”

“Yea…”

“That’s a government car.” You called out as you picked up your daughter, and walked out from under the willow tree to look over at the drive. You stopped half way to the small group as not one, but three black SUV’s with tinted windows and a massive armored car pulled up to stop in the parking lot area. “Shit… take her.”

“Babe…” Bucky said as you took the last few steps over to him and practically shoved your daughter into his arms.

“Take her.” You said as you stepped back away from him as men started to pour out of the vehicles and head toward you quickly.

“Doctor (Y/N) (Y/M/N) Barnes, AKA (Y/N) Scott, née (Y/L/N)…”

“Ross!” Tony yelled as you mentally battled the decision to run for your life or accept your fate.

“You are under arrest for the murders of Howard and Maria Stark, John F. Kennedy, Jasper Sitwell…”

“No, no!” Bucky shouted as you were nearly tackled to the ground by four guys nearly twice your size that were trying to get you into cuffs and shackles as quickly as possible even though you were not resisting what so ever in front of your child.

“Ross, you are making a huge mistake.” Tony said as Ana started to scream for you as some of the men kept your husband and daughter back at gun point.

“Babe, don’t you fucking listen to her!” Bucky roared over everyone as he watched your whole being shift into something he barely recognized when he saw you register the face of the man that had a gun pointing at your innocent one year old. “Don’t give in to her! Stay with Anastasia and me! Stay with us!” You met his eyes for a moment with a look he had only seen in old HYDRA photographs as you were lifted off the ground and unceremoniously thrown into a cube shaped jail cell.

“You’re all gunna fucking pay for that.” You said evenly with an evil smirk as you let them chain you to the chair before they all stepped out of the truck and shut you in with a single pair of heavily armed guards. A dark laugh you normally hated to hear, but that you absolutely welcomed in that moment started to echo in your head as you looked directly at the man who had no idea what was coming to him. “You have no fucking idea how much you’re gunna pay for pointing a gun at my daughter.”

——

You were locked in a room, a half mile below ground at least, in a bulletproof glass and metal box similar to the one you were held in the last time the American government had captured you, and left completely alone in a small room with multiple armed guards keeping watch outside the only door. For an entire month, you were given barely a meal twice a day, and allowed to use the “restroom”, which was really just a bed pan shoved under your ass after two guards held your hips up and yanked your pants down for you, twice daily as well, but you were given no other privileges other than those. You didn’t get to shower or get clean clothes; it was “too risky” to uncuff more than the lower part of your right arm for you to eat and wipe yourself. 

But you couldn’t complain. You didn’t say a word or move a muscle unless you were told to, because every time you did, they shocked you. Everyday for that entire month, you lost just a little more hope that this would one day come to an end, and the Wolf developed her plan of escape just a little bit louder in your head for when the part of you that made you ‘you’ finally gave up. But on the very last day of the month, the entire wall in front of you lifted up and a large group of armed men filed in ten bodies wide, and at least six bodies deep.

“Let’s move her!” The man in charge called out, which made the guards split down the center so a fork lift could be brought in to pick up the cage. You wanted to ask where you were going so badly, but you didn’t dare say a word as you were carted out of the room, on to a massive platform, and brought out of the pit of your own personal hell.

‘You can break out now!’ The Wolf said as you were transported to an armored truck. ‘It’d be easy. You know I can do it. We can go far, far away from here where no one will ever find us again…’

‘I’m not leaving my family.’ You told her as you slowly and carefully closed your eyes and leaned your head back on your chair, despite every other ounce of your being being poised and ready to attack at a moments notice like it had been for weeks. ‘I won’t leave my daughter or my husband.’

‘Weak.’ You mentally agreed with her as the truck stopped, and the back doors were opened so that the cage could be removed. You opened your eyes again and looked up at an impressive federal courthouse in Washington DC. Your guard led you inside and through the halls, and some how, it took you until were just outside the court room to realize what was happening. (Which was probably from lack of sleep, but you weren’t quite sure of that or anything anymore.)

“Oh, my God!” Bucky and Wanda screamed simultaneously as the pair of them, the rest of the Avengers, and a man you assumed had to be your lawyer jumped to their feet the second you were carted into the room.

“What are you doing to her?!” Tony screeched as he looked over at General Ross, who was sitting front and center behind the prosecution with a smug yet straight look on his face.

“Have you even let her change her clothes or shower at all?!” Bucky chimed in as tears welled in his eyes as he searched the dead look in yours.

“Is this the reason you’ve refused to let me see my client?!” A man said as he turned toward the other side and pointed back at you.

“This is inhumane!”

“She’s a mutant.” The prosecutor said with a shake of his head. “And she’s dangerous…”

“Get my wife out of that box…!”

“Alright, order! Order!!” The judge said as she slammed her gavel down and looked over at you. “OK, everybody hold on!” She yelled over your lawyer, and your large family as they all screamed at the government officials responsible for your mistreatment. “Has this been her living conditions since she was arrested?” She asked as she looked over at you, and the Wolf responded before you could stop her.

“I haven’t even used a toothbrush…” You shrieked and seized when the box shocked you once again, and Wanda and Steve instantly leapt over the partition.

“Get her out of that box!” The judge and your lawyer roared as Wanda ripped the front and the side of the box away so Steve could get your restraints off. Everyone in a thirty foot radius recoiled from the smell as Bucky pushed past Steve to pick you up out of the chair as gently as he could.

“She needs a medic!” Steve yelled as your lawyer told the other that he would be filing law suits against every single person responsible for your mistreatment as the judge scrambled to get the jury out of the room.

“I got the jet on the roof ready…” Tony said as he came over with a shake of his head. “Jesus, I didn’t know it was possible for her to be so thin.”

“Court officers…”

“If you so much as think of taking her out of my fucking arms right now, you will see what the Avengers are capable of for one of our own.” Bucky said evenly as he looked up at the woman on the stand.

“Can you please bring in a monitoring bracelet for Dr. Barnes so she can be confined to Sibley Memorial…”

“Can you make that the Four Seasons here in DC?” Tony asked as he tapped the ear piece in his ear to hang up his phone call while Steve ripped your dirty jeans away from your ankle so the monitor could be attached. “My personal physician is already on the way.”

“Fine.” The judge said with a nod as she sat up in her spot. “Dr. Barnes, you are not, under any circumstances, allowed to leave your hotel room once it has been established unless it is to come to court, do you understand what I am saying?”

“Yes ma’am.” You nearly whispered as you looked up at her.

“OK then. We will reconvene in one week for trial.” The prosecutor and General Ross both shouted ‘what’ as Bucky hiked you up in his arms to carry you out, which made the judge whip toward them. “As for you? You should be ashamed of yourselves. Mutant or not, you just violated every single one of her civil liberties…”

“Bucky?” You breathed as you reached up with your metal hand and brushed your fingertips across the scruff on his cheek. “Anastasia?”

“She’s at the hotel with Pepper. We’re gunna go see her right now.”

“OK.” You said as you laid your head down on his shoulder where the Wolf finally let you fell asleep in the safety of his arms.

——

“Mama!” Ana screeched when you got out of the shower in your much nicer jail cell after your extensive check up with a doctor that worked for Stark Industries. You stumbled the slightest bit and looked over at your daughter, who toddled toward you all by herself on her impossibly more chunky legs. You stopped in the doorway and Bucky nearly ran over you from behind when you teared up and sat down on the carpet since you had missed her first steps.

“Oh, my baby girl!” You cried as tears filled your eyes when your little angel threw herself into your chest and hugged your throat tightly.

“Sorry, I didn’t realize you two were showering.” Pepper said softly, but Bucky shook his head as he held his towel tightly around his waist and stepped past you.

“No, it’s OK.” He said with a glance back at the two halves of his heart. “We all just a little out of sorts right now.”

“I know what you mean.” Pepper said with a nod. “I’m gunna tell Tony to have Michael come and speak with her the day after tomorrow about the case. She needs you and Ana and she needs to eat something first.”

“And we all need some real rest.” He said as he turned a bit to watch you lay down right on the floor to play with the toys Bucky had brought with him to entertain Ana while he was in court. He could see the sheer exhaustion in your eyes as you watched Ana lay down just like you to put her hand on your cheek, and he startled the slightest when Pepper touched his shoulder.

“She’s gunna make it through this.” She said softly with a nod. “You both are. We’re all in this together, OK? And we will make it through this trial…”

“She won’t make it if she gets convicted…”

“She won’t.” Pepper reassured. “Especially after today. The jury saw her get shocked in that box, we can use that to our advantage…”

“Bucky?” You called out softly, which made him whip around toward you. You sighed heavily and looked up at him with a small shake of your head. “If I get convicted, I’m letting the Wolf out, and going to Wakanda. I won’t spend another minute of my life in a box like that again. Just get Anastasia there before I’m sentenced…”

“OK, we’ll worry about that later, doll.” He said as he walked away from Pepper and carefully laid down on Ana’s other side facing you. “Let’s just talk to the lawyer first. He has a pretty good plan for us. We’re all pretty confident anyways, OK?” You nodded your head against your arm and reached out to hold his hand as Pepper left your room for the night.

“I love you, Bucky. You and Ana are the only reasons I didn’t break out already.”

“Well you’re here now.” He said with a small smile. “I love you, (Y/N), and I will never stop doing so. No matter what happens.”

——

“Well you look much, much better than the last time I saw you, Dr. Barnes.” The judge, Stacy Benson said as she took a seat in her chair. “How are you feeling?” You glanced over at your lawyer, Michael Young, almost seeking permission to speak, before looking up at the judge with a small nod.

“Cleaner. But I’m a mother so I think I’ll forever be tired.”

“As the mother of three kids myself, I can tell you that never goes away.” She said with a small laugh as she organized the paperwork for your case. “Now, I assume you’ve had a chance to meet with your lawyer this past week?”

“Yes ma’am, I have. Thank you.”

“And you come to court today understanding all of the charges against you and are prepared for the trial against you to begin?”

“Yes ma’am, I am.” She looked up for the papers for a moment and nodded her head before glancing over at the bailiff.

“Let’s bring in the finalized jury.” You nodded your head, took a deep breath, and glanced back at Pepper, who was one of the only Avengers that wasn’t testifying which meant she was the only one allowed to hear the trial from beginning to end. She gave you a reassuring nod and reminded you to breathe and to sit up a bit more as the jury all took their seats. You turned back around and folded your hands in your lap the way your lawyer had told you so that your metal hand was ‘out of sight and out of mind’ until the ‘perfect moment’. You sat almost perfectly still and started singing the ‘Good Night Moon’ song on repeat in your head the way Bucky had suggested to try to drown out the Wolf as both lawyers started the trial with their opening arguments. 

The prosecution’s was almost stereotypical. Mr. Everett Ross kept his voice raised and his tone angry as he used big hand gestures to make his argument feel much larger than it was. But unfortunately, he was so convincing, hell, you yourself even believed for a moment that you- the normal, pre-brainwashing you was the one who committed the sixteen murders they had proof for out of the ninety-seven actual murders the Winter Wolf had done. When he was finished, even the Wolf sat back in your mind with an agitated huff.

‘Well we’re fucked.’

But then Mike stood up for his turn.

“Ladies and gentleman of the jury, this case is going to be one for the books. I have been practicing law for almost thirty years and I have never in my life seen one like this. Especially because what I am about to say is going to contradict itself completely. My client did commit these murders. She doesn’t deny it, there is plenty of evidence to support it, some of which, I’ll even be bringing up myself. But at the exact same time, my client is completely innocent. And I can prove it.

Over the next few days, you are going to hear plenty of eye witness testimony from witnesses that saw first hand what the Winter Wolf is capable of. You will see videos, and photographs the prosecution as procured to support the fact that the Wolf, which is what I will call the murderer from here on out, is the one that committed these crimes. But then it will be my turn to show you why Dr. Barnes, the woman sitting directly to my left here, is not the same person.

Please know in advance that the images, and testimony will be brutally graphic as we reveal the torture and agony Dr. Barnes went through at the hands of HYDRA from 1939 to 2014 when she was able to escape their control. And yes, my dates are correct because Dr. Barnes is a mutant, and one of her mutations is that she is not capable of dying. Which is also something else I will be able to prove as well. So while you sit here, and listen to the facts, I beg of you to keep an open mind through it all. Look at all of the facts and really see that the Winter Wolf and Dr. (Y/N) Barnes are two different entities in the same body. And prepare yourself now; like I said, this is not going to be pretty.” You looked up at him in awe as he nodded at the jury and came back around the table to sit down as Everett stood up and called his first witness. “Just remember what I said.” Mike said softly as he reached over and pat your back as an elderly man came in and sat down at the witness stand to be sworn in.

“Mr. Jones, how are you today?” Everett started with a smile.

“I’m fine, thank you.”

“Now Mr. Jones, can you tell me where you were on November 22nd, 1963?” Your mind instantly flashed to that day, and you knew exactly where this man was on that date.

“I was in Dallas, Texas at Dealey Plaza with my late wife to see President John F. Kennedy.”

“And where were you exactly, Mr. Jones?”

“We were sitting on the grassy knoll. I remember it like it was yesterday.”

“Now, refresh my memory.” Everett said almost sarcastically. “You were there, what happened, and what did you see?” You couldn’t stop your mind from following the man’s description as he led up to the moment the shots were fired, but from your point of view. You remembered getting off the way to advanced for its time jet, and heading through the packed streets to get to your mark. You remembered slipping into the shadows of a giant tree behind a picket fence and you could even feel the weight of your gun in your hand as you held it up and pulled the trigger. The faint hum of your daughter’s bed time song caught your attention though as it wasn’t part of the memory, and you shook your head and glanced behind you at Pepper, who simply smiled and nodded as she hummed a few more notes and stopped.

“So you saw the shooter?” Everett asked with a slight tilt of his head. “What can you tell me about her... or him.” He clarified, quickly before Mike could object.

“It was a woman.” Mr. Jones said with a small nod. “Caucasian, roughly five foot five like my wife, dark hair, wearing all black.”

“Anything else?” He asked as he oh so subtly adjusted his watch on his wrist, but Mike immediately jumped on it at the same moment you realized exactly why Tony and Bucky had insisted you wear the shirt you had on under your suit jacket.

“Objection! Leading!”

“Councilor, I will only warn you once.” Judge Benson said as she looked down at him as he raised his hands in innocence.

“Wasn’t leading...”

“She had a metal arm!” Mr. Jones said over him as if he had just remembered the award winning answer on a television game show.

“Your Honor, can you ask council to instruct his client to remove her jacket and roll up her sleeves.”

“Against my better judgement...” She started, but you had already stood up to take off your jacket anyways. The black metal stood out spectacularly against the light pink, sleeveless, backless, collared halter top button down you had on, and nearly the entire room gasped at the sight. You purposely turned around to hang your jacket on the back of your chair so that every single member of the jury could see your scars, and you went out of your way to use both hands to collect your loose hair to pull it over your right soldier so that the jury had no choice but to see what HYDRA did to you.

“A metal arm like that?” Everett asked as he turned back to the witness with a victorious smile, not realizing that every single thing he was doing was just setting himself up for failure.

“Yes, just like that.”

“No further questions.” He said with a nod as he walked back over to his table.

“Mr. Jones, you said you remember that day as if it was yesterday, correct?” Mike asked with a smile as he stood up from his spot.

“Yes, sir. I do.”

“Wonderful. So you can remember if the shooters metal arm was black or silver, correct?” You could see the subtle hesitation in Mr. Jones’ eyes as he glanced at you for a moment before looking back up at your attorney. 

“It was black. Matched her outfit.”

“And, how was the killer wearing her hair?” He continued as he leaned back against the table. “Down like it is now? Up in a pony tail? Do you recall?”

“It was...” He started as he glanced over at his lawyer, who no longer had a smile on his face. “It was pulled back. I’m not sure what the style was called back then.”

“And her outfit. I know you said it was all black, but could you describe it further?” You could see the slight panic in the witnesses eyes, before he jumped to the defensive.

“Are you calling me a liar, sir?!”

“Not at all, sir.” Mike said with a shake of his head as he turned around to grab something from the file he had sitting on the table. “Merely asking for more details. Defense exhibit one, your honor.” He said as he pulled out a stack of paper to give to the judge, to the jury, and to the witness since the prosecution had already been given the photographs. “Now Mr. Jones, would it surprise you in any way to know that up until 2018, Dr. Barnes had a silver metal arm with a giant red star on the shoulder as seen in photographs recovered from leaked HYDRA files from 1932, and 1967, photos from government files from 1974, ‘81, ‘91, ‘96... all the way to personal photos of her in Stark tower up until 2018 when it was exchanged for the current arm she has now?” He paused for a moment so that Mr. Jones had a chance to look through at least some of the photos, before continuing. “And would it also surprise you to know that the uniform she has on in those HYDRA and government photos was the official quote ‘uniform’ for the Winter Wolf, and that it never deviated?”

“Objection!” Everett snapped as he finally got to his feet. “How is he supposed to know that?”

“Just simple questions, that’s all.” Mike said as he took the photos back from the witness and walked back to the table. “No further questions.” As he sat back down at the table beside you, he put the photos back in their file before glancing over at you with a smile. “Don’t worry. I’m just getting started.” A smile pulled at the corners of your lips as Everett got up and called his second of fifteen witnesses, realizing at that moment that your lawyer was going to win this case.

Part 16

[betweenmoonlightandmetal]

CHAPTER 2 SLOWLY CONNECTING

It was quiet outside again, but the snow completely melted which was odd, but, nobody really cared, at least… Mel didn’t. She enjoyed that there was no snow as she found it less overstimulating. She was taking this opportunity to get into her back garden and oil a bench swing.

“Maybe I should plant some new flowers too… I think lavender and daisies would be nice…” Mel was interrupted by her security app notifying that someone was at the door. The girl checked the camera and saw a briefly familiar face. It was GIR! Mel left the garden and headed to the front door to let the robot in.

“This is a pleasant surprise, I didn’t think we’d see each other again.” Mel said as she brushed strands of hair out of her face. She wasn’t wearing her hoodie this time, instead a grey dress with heart patches on them, a cartoony heart, a broken heart, and an anatomically correct heart, along with barely visible pink stains. She wore a devil horned headband too, one was broken while the other was perfectly in tact. Her hair was revealed as well, it was thick and fluffy. GIR found everything about Mel beautiful.

“I just wanted to visit you!” GIR said while wagging his tail and lifting up his arms. “Oh, well, come in then. I’ve got nothing better to do today.” Mel said as she grabbed GIR by the paw and led him into the house. She gave him a brief tour, some rooms and floors being completely empty. GIR’s core heated up with excitement, just happy that he got to be near Mel again.

“Soooo… do a lot of people live here?” GIR asked as he walked with Mel. “N-No, just me, my mom, my sister, and my cat. The reason we live in an old mansion is because we used to be close with our other family members, they all chipped in to buy this place because we were all supposed to live together, but they all left for some reason… I don’t remember why.” Mel sighed before leading GIR to the fifth floor, where Mel’s room was.

“So uh… this is my room!” It was Victorian styled, deep, dark colors, mostly black and grey with occasional items across the room that were pink along with a blue dragonfly nightlight. Mel's bed was king sized, probably due to the size of the house, and it had those princess curtains, colored grey. The room had one single window, right by her bed, which was open. The gentle breeze made the wind chimes hanging from Mel's ceiling make subtle clinking sounds, the wind chimes looked like they were made of... bones...? Mel had two album covers printed out and hung up, one of which caught GIR’s attention; an album called “Your Body Speaks For You.”

“SHE HAS NO CLOTHES!!” GIR shouted and pointed at the image, which made Mel giggle. “Yeah, that’s how most people react to it… my mom actually didn’t approve of me hanging it up, but eventually let me keep it.” Not many people knew about the artist, let alone the album, so most people wouldn’t expect to see… that.

“Why do you have it hung up?” GIR asked as he and Mel sat down on the bed. “Because it’s a good album by a good… band…? Artist…? I’m not sure if they’re still a band, but who really cares? It’s music and it’s good.” GIR nodded in response “What kind of music?” Mel lit up, someone was asking about her interests! “They do a lot of harsh noise stuff, sometimes they’ll do soft piano, sometimes alternative rock, but mostly harsh stuff.” GIR nodded, letting out a curious “oooh…” as Mel spoke.

Mel smiled as she looked at the image on her wall, it looked like this album meant a lot to her. “Maybe… we could listen to some of their songs together!” Mel’s cat then suddenly ran into the room and jumped in Mel’s lap. “Oh, hi, Lily!” Mel sing-songed. “KITTY!!” GIR happily shouted before petting Lily. The cat walked over to sit in GIR’s lap, purring loudly, then proceeded to swipe at GIR’s zipper. Eventually, one swipe completely pulled the zipper down before Lily ran out of the room, giving Mel a brief glance at GIR’s robotic body.

“Huh…?” Mel curiously pulled off GIR’s hood, she gasped upon seeing the robot’s true face. “Uhh… surprise…?” Mel cupped GIR’s face before happily shouting “OH MY GOD!! YOU’RE ADORABLE!” GIR giggled at Mel’s reaction “I am!!” Mel let out swoony gibberish then stopped a few seconds later, blushing in embarrassment by her sudden reaction. “Hehe, sorry… I just really like robots.” GIR smiled in response “I don’t mind!” he said honestly.

The robot completely took off his disguise, lifting his arms up in the air and saying “tada!” Mel laughed at GIR’s actions, he was almost too cute. Mel reached out to pat GIR on the head. “So uhm… what should we do now?” GIR smiled wider “We can listen to the music you were talking about!” Mel nodded and began playing the album she spoke of minutes prior. GIR scooted closer to Mel, pressing his arm against her’s and settling into a pseudo cuddle as they listened.

A/N: Before u point out the lesbian flag,, GIR is bigender in this fanfic!! Also sorry if my chapters are short :[ Also also! Sorry if the translation of the album is off, I used the one that’s on genius.

[mrbrrop]

God..

Okay, so I've trying to remember stuff for my second autism assessment appointment (AAA is a perfect acronym) and I was thinking about meltdowns specifically,

I just kinda used to think that I hadn't really had public meltdowns in my life, but then I remembered 5 SEPERATE VERY PUBLIC MELTDOWNS

1 in elementary school where I started crying and yelling and hitting my head against the wall because of the sparing uniform and the heat of the gym we were in for class

A second one in middle school where I was forced to do kayak and at the start of the class some duchebag put a bunch of water in my kayak when I was already on the verge of a meltdown from the fact that I had to stay drenched in a shirt and shorts for 1h30! Then we started the activity where we had to get from point A to B and I keep getting caught in the fucking plant spikes on the side of the canal so I just started fucking crying and yelling until a teacher finally fucking came so I yelled at them and they just got annoyed and left me (a 12 yo) alone in the fucking canal whilst everybody else moved on, so I yelled and cried some more unable to fucking move the fucking boat so I started hitting the boat, myself, and the plants (I very fucking angry) and at the end someone finally came to help me and I FINALLY got out and proceed to sit in the locker room not moving or changing until everyone left and a teacher had to threaten to lock me in there whilst they went back to school with the rest of the class (I had very awful teachers)

A 3rd one at my mom's house (My mom who swears up and down she doesn't think I'm autistic) when I was 15 (something like that) and I was so overwhelmed by my clothes that I went upstairs in my room and got in my underwear, threw myself down on the bed and started crying, how I usually handle my meltdowns : privately. But then my mom comes upstairs to talk about something (don't remember what) and she just starts to touch me and try to hug me whilst I beg fucking BEG her to stop and she doesn't so I have to kick her off of my bed with my feet. And later, when I had calmed down a bit, I ask my mom to close the blinds with as much words I can manage so like 3, she does and starts fucking talking and asking me questions and shit which I don't answer (Cause 1 I can't, and 2 I don't want to), so she gives up and leaves (finally)

A 4th one at the start of this year when I was in the psychward and I had to wear a hair net (I cannot handle having stuff one my head at all (I can't even wear headphones)) because of lice or whatever so I refused and offered to stay in my room, shave my head, anything really but they kept insisting to point where they pinned me to a wall and forced one on my head, which I took off immediately obviously, and then they gave up and left my crying in the hallway, where the only thing I could do was silently hit the floor as hard as I could.. and then 2h later a nurse came to open my room.. (fucking hospitals..)

And a 5th one, like a month ago, where I was in physics and I had missed a class so I didn't understand what we were supposed to do so I tried asking the teacher but he would look at me like I was an idiot and proceeded to explain nothing and then the groups for the project formed but since I had missed a class I didn't have a group and no one would explain to me what we were supposed to do, so I put my head in my arms on the table started crying silently, until I couldn't stay quiet so I left the class and went to the bathroom, the teacher just said to tell him if when I left the class. Then, at some point, the teacher goes looking for me and finds me in the dark bathroom next to the class, sat behind the door, he proceeds to have a one-sided "conversation" with me then concludes that I'm coming back to class (which wtf? Cause I didn't say shit and shook my head no when he asked). Then, a school staff person comes to seek me out, and they ask me to write what happened and open me an empty classroom where I can calm down. (The least awful one of the bunch)(and the teacher gave me a 0 because I didn't do the project when I was only in his class for 10min tops (he's an insane ass that everyone hates btw))

All that to say I do have public meltdowns but I usually do everything in my power to seclude myself before it gets really really bad BECAUSE people are dickheads with no notion of boundaries and respect, so they end up making the meltdown so much worse to the point where it's actually fucking dangerous!

Which explains why the few public meltdowns that I remember only happened when I could not escape the situation.

[admirange]

Mcl style contest outfit dump pt. 2

Royal

I went more medieval/fantasy style, honestly just spent a lot of time layering and combining outfits to create this kinda disney princess vibe. Soo thankful for the shared items still! Didn't have royal Taki so fantasy mushroom Taki it is. Left the background mostly empty, as it's an open area and I don't have this or similiar bank packs to decorate.

Got low ranking with it. I can see it's not the best or prettiest, but hoped for better.

Appetizing

I didn't really have an idea for this theme. Couldn't imagine dressing up as a burger or something. I knew we have a lot of candy themed accessories, so I went with that idea. Tried to show the softness of cottoncandy, stuck with white-pink-blue-yellow colors. Clown Taki matched those, so clown Taki it is. I think the background is cute as well, also matches the outfit'a colors.

Got low ranking with this one as well. I managed a lot of people would do something similar candy-like (idk if I was right tho, I didn't really vote when this theme was on) so I wasn't surprised, but still a little disappointed. I like this one!

Absynthe guard

I'm a proud absynthe guard member! Always was, always will be. The Eldarya clothes aren't that tipical medieval fantasy clothes, they always have a few touch of modernity in them. So I tried to recreate that vibe as best as I could. The colors are obviously in the range of yellow-blue. The fantasy mushroom Taki was a must. So so grateful for the shared room background. Fits Eldarya perfectly! With the decorations I tried to show the guard's job as the brains of HQ.

Got low ranking with it too. Well I expected it tbh, not my best creation especially without the fantasy clothes, but I wouldn't call it bad.

Doctor

This is an easy theme, doesn't require much accessories. I recently finished watching Manifest with my mom, Saanvi was my muse when creating the outfit. Although it doesn't look like her at all, I still hold it dearly. Stuck with blue, white and this teal color, we automatically think of doctors when we see them. Worky worky Taki is perfect next to her (it's also my favourite Taki outfit, funfact). With the background I tried to do a resting room of some sort.

I got 3rd place with this ⁉️ Jaw was on the floor. My best ranking so far!

Elementary

Didn't really understood what the theme tried to say (like when there were 2 groups of people with the night court theme). Elementary, like school? Or the elements like fire, air, etc.? I guessed the later, since that animation movie about those element people called elementary as well (or I thought at the time, thinking about it now maybe it's simply elemental?? Idk). Anyway I went with water theme. Blues and whites, tried to use clothes to recreate waterflows. Used the little boat bag because yk, water, lol. Didn't have a Taki that matched the theme so turned it off. The background is mostly empty, just the necessary water elements and some plants.

Got low ranking with it. Wasn't surprised, not my best creation.

Thigh highs

I managed people would go in a sexy e-girl type of vibe so I just went with it. The thighs were a shared item, I kinda just built the whole outfit around it. I didn't want to turn it too sexual, went with more of a comfy vibe. I wanted to do a more elegant background, but I couldn't match it with the outfit. So this is the final product, Taki was selected to match the room as well.

Got low ranking too. Wasn't surprised since it's pretty simple, but I'm still satisfied with it. I think it's cute!

Thanks for reading, can't wait to show the ones still in voting!

[stitchkiss]

tell me a story about u

bestie you know more of my stories than anyone and you still want more?? i can’t believe you aren’t sick of them yet lmaoo. i’ll tell you a few from that liam-esque list i sent you a while back.

GATHER ROUND KIDS!! STORYTIME!!

story 1: idek when this was probably when i was like 13 but anyway we were gardening n shit and i was by all the tools takin a break bc i planted like 20 zucchini seeds (bad idea in hindsight all we ate that summer was zucchini) and i was tired. so i look down and there’s a garden hoe next to me and i’m getting flashbacks to my childhood when i watched tom and jerry obsessively and i think “huh. i wonder what would happen if i stepped on it” guess what happened. smacked me right in the face the second i stepped on it. blood went everywhere. face, clothes, tools, soil. brother is laughing. sister rushing for towels. mom making sure my nose wasn’t broken. dad wishing i was never born. my face messy with tears n blood n sweat. i consider this a win bc not only did i get to live out a childhood fantasy but i didn’t have to garden for the rest of the day!

story 2: i am. dumb. and impulsive. and i think movie magic applies to me. all this, but i’m 9 years old. we had just moved and a perk was that a golf cart came w the house. so when, for reasons i can’t remember, there was a dirt hill in my backyard i knew EXACTLY what to do with it bc i had just watched wreck it ralph AND played a mario kart tournament the night before so i know a ramp when i see one. see where im going w this? when i saw the dirt hill i got on the golf cart and fuckin floored it. the thing is, i didn’t know that the dirt wasn’t packed in, so it was too soft for the tires. i did not make it over. the cart tipped over and i fell out. it almost crushed me. the funniest part ab this is when my mom came over to check on me she was like “i saw you speed off and i KNEW what you were doing” i wasn’t allowed to try it again.

3. i had a goldfish named herbert. i won him at a festival when i was like 12 and he came in a plastic baggie like from finding nemo. so i brought him home and i quickly realized i had no place to put him bc he was my first (and only) fish. so i threw out these flowers my mom had in this really big vase and i put him in it instead. during this time i didnt have a phone bc i accidentally broke it a few days before when i was jump roping and had it in my pocket and it flew out. SO i didn’t know what to feed herbert bc no google and neither did anyone else and they didn’t want to help me raise my new son so i had to figure this out by myself. do you know what i fed him instead of fish food? ritz crackers. how tf was i supposed to know the salt from the crackers would kill him. the concept of “freshwater fish” eluded me at the time. i woke up the next day and he was floating at the top of the vase. but the worst part of this story? i was preparing a small, intimate funeral for herbert bc he deserved nothing less and i took him out of the vase and put him on a plate. then i left for like 5 minutes to make sure my brother and sister were going to be in attendance and to throw some rose petals in the toilet bc if i was gonna flush him it might as well be beautiful. but. when i went back to the kitchen to get herbert, my cat was eating him.

4. last story! my cousins and i are really close and we do this thing when all of us are available and we call it a version of guy’s grocery games based on who the judge is that night (we replace the g with our initial) where we each make food but change it up in a creative way. this time was pizza. i teamed up w one of my cousins and we decided to make a pizza based off the fast food chain raising canes. so we go to canes and order a bunch of chicken and fries and bread and we even got a cup full of canes sauce for $5 and we also bought a premade pizza dough. the pizza was DIVINE and i’d eat it again but be warned you need pepto bismal on hand if you eat it bc it’ll rly fuck up ur insides. but, even tho it was the best invention ever, we didn’t fucking win. what did we lose to, you ask? a ramen pizza. my brother and his gf made it w the recipe I SENT HIM!! but the thing is, this recipe called for soy sauce and my cousin is allergic to soy. my brother asked me for his allergy list in preparation and i forgot to put it on there. so my cousin was ab to take a bite when my brain connected the very very important dots and i smacked it out of his hand.

hope u enjoyed all that!!

[imafrickinglion]

idk this post is a rats nest

We close on my old house tomorrow. The one mom bought on husband 2, not even husband 3 (and current real legit father, thanks for adopting me bucko).

I wasn't so young that I've forgotten everywhere we lived before then. I can clearly remember the home on mechanic street where we lost husband 1. He stole our cat and our money jar, our fish tank, and oddly the door frame that we measured me against and penciled in the ages. I don't remember that dad a lot. He forced mom for visitation and he took me to this other house a couple of times that I have flashbacks about because good things didn't happen there. Eventually she sued him and I never had to go there again.

But there are good times in that old place. Painting my bedroom pink, various renters we had in the 3rd bedroom, parties, our first Atari, our first Hurricane. Pumpkin carving one year. The old washing machine with the squeezey thingie and washboard we used for a while.

After that we moved into a duplex in another city for a while. I have clear memories of good times there, too. We still helped people out in our church community by letting them live in our basement sometimes. I had a huge fish tank in my bedroom window and we had to use pastry rollers to get it into the bathroom to wash it. We had parties there, a tree house. One year a couple of kids sold us some of our favorite handmade Christmas ornaments on our back porch.

So it's not like this third house is the only family house we ever lived in. But it's the first house I lived in with my sisters. It's the house they mostly grew up in. It's the house we *all* grew into adulthood in. And it's a house that all three of us have moved back into here and there to take refuge from bad situations.

Seeing it so empty was difficult. But I could not take care of it. It was a broken down husk of a house by the time I got to it. A contracting situation never resolved. I spent from 2017 to 2023 freezing to death in my own kitchen and living room. We had no idea how *awful* the air was until we left it (lots of open walls, open ceilings, old house dust, construction dust, dirt that just magically came from nowhere and never cleaned).

I never could take care of the overgrown gardens, or trim the lilac bush my mother picked out and had specially planted, or take care of the red Japanese Maple she did the same with.

I'm sad, and I feel like I'm hitting the end of things I can focus on to distract myself from finally facing the truth of all this. It feels like standing on the edge of a cliff, with less and less things to stop you from falling.

But also I hope the investors make it beautiful again. I hope they clean it up and put new floors and open up the living space and make the bathroom shine again. I hope they put that gorgeous farm style kitchen in that'd make that small kitchen shine and that some small family or couple just starting out cook together in it and create great memories, like we did, baking pies and cooking for thanksgiving and new year's parties. I hope someone makes the gardens pretty again.

I hope whoever buys it takes such, such good care of it.

And that's kind of the best thing I can hope for. It makes it bittersweet. I couldn't take care of this family home but another small family might. I hope they do. I hope they fill that house with joy instead of misery and shame. I hope they build fires in the fireplace and snuggle up cozy in the winter. I hope they get a couple of pets, too. Maybe put in a new fence and get some dogs. We used to have this huge gorgeous black lab named Beauty, and when she had puppies, we also kept one named Ralph. We've had mice in that house, hamsters that escaped and got lost (but always found again). More than one or even three black cats.

I just... I hope the house gets loved again. I hope it gets used again. And that the next people can keep up with it and it never feels neglected again. Through mostly no fault of my mother or my own, it got neglected so much. You could feel it giving up, just like I did. I want the spirit of the house to be proud again.

So yeah, just... thoughts.

[bishiglomper]

JFC I'M GONNA DIIIIE

AUUUGH

too many spoons, too many spoooooooons

I think the only time I was in my chair today was that 1.5 hours I was crocheting

I started my day making coffee for me and my sister, lost hers, had to remake it... lots of added steps. If there's more than 2 cups of coffee I gotta empty and refill the reservoir and it just adds steps.

We went out to the farmers market. Uhhh we went shopping at Walmart for last minute stuff. Stopped by another store. Was gone for over an hour. Maybe 2.

When we came home the baby was asleep so i was her bed for maybe half an hour. I was in my chair then. Sister used the free time to wrap presents.

Baby woke up. Passed her off. I stressed about needing to do something productive. There's only 3 more days left and we're way behind on our baking lmao

So I made reindeer pops. Like 40 of em. I was struggling the last leg of it. Then mom and I made spritz cookies. I threw together a gift for my tarot friend.

I found I had a duplicate copy of this Japanese movie I liked so imma give her that. Plus cocoa and earl grey to try in it. A cocoa kit with mug. Two little 3d printed soot sprite magnets.

For one of her kids I gt a yarn set with like 12 mini skeins of different colors. Perfect for learning amigurumi probably.

I didn't want to leave the other kid out but I don't know her as well. But I know she's the green thumb in that family. Works in the college green house. Propagates all sorts of things at home.

I had these two little air plants in witch hat pots. I'm not good at taking care of plants soooo. Yay, a gift for the other kid! Got all three, yes!

That's when I took a break and crocheted for an hour while my sister wrapped presents

Then I wrapped more presents. I took 2 bins worth of stuff and got it under the tree

And then i cleaned up the disaster zone that was the dining room because my sister is a tornado in and of herself. Wrapping shit all over. Two tables covered and bins of stuff on the floor, I don't know how they have all this spread out so much.

Lol for some reason I thought I was gonna be able to tidy up the bathroom but my body was screaming by the time I started to finish up the downstairs.

I wanna do shit so bad!! The living room needs tidying again. There's 3 areas that have shit stacked that need to be moved to a different floor.

The upstairs stack is like 10 grocery bags of litter that needs to be disposed of...

The main floor has like... I don't even know. It's faded into the room as a clutter mountain. Clothes baskets of stuff. A fan. Boxes. Who knows.

And there's a line of like 6 boxes by the basement of shit that needs to go down.

Sigh. Which I would do... except that the basement IS a hoarders hole and there's nowhere to set anything new down.

But lol I let niece bring her bf over the other night.

As she was waiting for him she suddenly realized the living room was messy. Nothing too bad. 10 minutes work.

I asked why she suddenly had a bug up her butt. She never cleans wtf.

She said her boyfriend was a neat freak. The living room was bad enough to be giving her anxiety over it. I told her to just tell him we're slobs and he'd just need to accept it pffft

But anyway. I helped pick up

And then I'm like

Oh... I hope he won't need the bathroom 👀 😬

Looool the disgust/panic on her face was great. Then with a fortifying growl she ran upstairs for a few minutes. Came running down the stairs with TWO garbage bags of cat pee soaked clothes. All from the bathroom.

I think she tried to organize a tiny bit. There were loofahs stored away weird lol

But she made a huuuuuge dent just with the clothes and everything is gross so she gets a gold star.

When i go to try to fix the bathroom, it's mostly going to be me shoving anything on the floor covered in grime just in a box and shoving all the other random boxes back under the sink. There will be gloves needed.

Such high hoooooopes

Am excited for Christmas eve.

We're just doing our party snackies in jammies but I invited tarot friend and the kids. I hope we can hang out properly.

More excited for those 2 hours than Christmas 🤣

[jodilin65]

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 30, 2004 Today didn’t start off too great. The sleep curse lives on. I figured as much anyway. At least till we get in the house. After just 4 hours of sleep, I woke up shivering my ass off. It was 57º in here. Ugh! So we warmed it up 10º after it took forever to get the heater to work. Then I had trouble falling back asleep, and when I finally did, I woke back up in no time because the sun rose fast, making it too hot. I hate these 30-degree fluctuations! Especially when you don’t live in a real house. Trying to keep the place comfortable is hard.

Fortunately, I had lots of sleep the night before so I wouldn’t be overly tired when we went to the mailbox, Denny’s, Safeway, the library, and the Work Connection.

I got quite a surprise in the mail as well as something that had me a little riled up, but first, I’m worried about Tom and his overeating. He’s literally eating till he gets sick! Not puking sick, but close enough. He seems to be doing this more and more. He says he’ll stop, but I know all too well how breaking addictions and bad habits can be much easier said than done! I wish I could bring myself to eat less, too. Not because I’m sick, but because I’m doomed to get fatter and fatter little by little if I keep it up. I know I can’t lose weight, but must it be such an ordeal keeping 30 pounds overweight? Most people end up 50 pounds overweight when they get older, so that’s part of why it’s such a struggle; I just never maxed out.

It’s storming again right now, but there’s been no rain so far. Just wind, thunder and lightning. Tom put more sealant where it leaks, but I’m sure it still will anyway, whenever it does rain hard enough, as curses are hard to break.

We have both military and commercial jets that fly over us. After the lady at the bank told us where the base is that the military jets fly out of, Tom said they won’t fly supersonic over us because it takes time to get up to supersonic speed which they couldn’t yet achieve once they’ve reached where we are. I hope he’s right!

The chipmunks here are way braver than the prairie dogs. I’m going to get awesome pictures of them when I can. They’re so cute!

To my surprise, the spider plant is recovering nicely, but the big leaf plant is still in pretty bad shock and isn’t looking like it’s going to make it.

Let me cover today’s stops before I get to what came in the mail.

At the library, I typed/printed a letter to Mary. It was 10¢ a page and I had 2 pages. Not only is their expensive landline connection super-fast, but they also have a super-fast-printing laserjet, too. It’s a good thing it wasn’t regular ink, though. I threw it on the floor in front of my seat in the truck and condensation from the AC dripped onto it. Had it been ink, it would’ve smudged.

I also browsed through a Spanish book and understood almost everything I read!

Tom went to the Work Connection and grabbed about a dozen job listings they had printed up. Things are closed on Monday, the day after July 4th, but by the next day, his black eye ought to be healed. That’s the day he’ll go to a temp agency. If they have nothing available, then he’ll get applications going for some of these clerical/computer data entry jobs.

Pizza Hut is between the library and the Work Connection. When we went to go to the truck, we saw 3 squad cars parked by Pizza Hut just minutes after I’d used their bathroom and I wonder – did they get robbed right after I left? Or maybe it was an employee dispute or a drunk and disorderly customer they couldn’t get rid of themselves.

The shocking thing to come in the mail was a card/letter from Mom. Not surprisingly, there was no money enclosed. It’s nice that she wrote, but it still pisses me off to see her go play all day in daycare, then go home to be pampered and waited on hand and foot while we could use a few of the 100 or so G’s she’s got. And she KNOWS we could use it. It was almost cruel of her to brag about the picture of a flower she made in art class that she sold for $10 when we’re so in need of money, the story of our lives!

This card proves Tom wrong in saying Mom can’t write. It’s shaky but plenty legible enough. In fact, it’s easier to read than Mary’s writing. So, if my gut instinct was right when I insisted she really could write, why would I be wrong in saying she’s my folk’s little informant?

Anyway, she said she got my nice long letter and was glad we both like Oregon, sure there are a few things that take time to get used to, but we’re young and can take it. She hopes jobs are available and says that maybe I could ride with Tom to work so I won’t have to be alone so much (I wish I could be alone for once!) I’m going to just go ahead and tell her I got a job in town simply because it’s what women do these days. Normally I don’t put up fronts or put on shows for others and I am who I am, but because this is someone who has money we so desperately need, I’m willing to say what sounds good and spin a tall tale or two.

Mom said she was shocked that no friends or relatives came to the little art festival they had. Yeah? Well, maybe they’re just sick of her selfishness! I mean, she gives us $500, and sure that’s something, but she has brains enough to know we need thousands, not hundreds.

The funny part was when she said that Miss Perfect had a bad spell with the allergies. There’s no doubt that Arizona’s one of the worst states for that shit! Still, Miss Perfect’s always, always sick, thanks to my spells. To the tune of Mary Had a Little Lamb, I was singing, Mary had another spell, ‘nother spell, ‘nother spell…

We had another storm. This one brought lots of rain, though it didn’t last long. Sure enough, the vents just had to leak, but not the one in the bathroom where it wouldn’t matter. The overhead window that he put stuff on didn’t leak. I was surprised.

I’m using my book light to write this so as not to have to use this heap of shit’s battery.

Later…

Again it’s raining. This time it’s just a steady rain without the thunder and lightning. The storms here are somewhat monsoon-like. Not too wild, not too mild. During the two weeks we’ve been here that it didn’t rain, I was wondering just how this place was able to stay so green and lush, but now I see. We really wish we’d created some sort of a makeshift cistern!

The idiots at Incense Galore did fuck up. Yeah, I knew they would. I know 95% of the male population is brain-dead, but again, instinct says they’re trying to drive my business away. Well, last night I noticed they left out Carefree, and today, I discovered that Angel, one of my favorites, isn’t really Angel. They substituted it with something else as they did with the Fruit oil, the stupid idiots!

TUESDAY, JUNE 29, 2004 The storm turned out to be rather pleasant. Nothing too fierce or too wimpy, but it would really, really be nice if we could be in a place that didn’t leak when it rained!

Today we went to the Laundromat. They’re so much nicer here. You don’t have a zillion lazy welfare bums with a dozen screaming kids tearing throughout the place. Kids in general seem to be more civilized here, but only somewhat more as kids are still kids.

Tom did email and updated his résumé, but didn’t fill out any job applications. I just hope he’s employed before the money runs out. Besides, I’m sick of never having 5 minutes to myself! I don’t want to sing when he’s here as I don’t want to give him a splitting headache as loud as I am, and besides, if I wanted an audience when it came to that I’d still be sitting here wishing I could break into the music business somehow.

We got a few things at the grocery store, including a book light.

Tomorrow we’re going out again, then we’re not going out for 4 days which I’ll hope and pray Tom gets called for a job interview if he can fill any applications out tomorrow. A part of me wonders if he’s stalling just to annoy me, but he won’t spite himself to spite others, so when the money gets low, he’ll step on it.

MONDAY, JUNE 28, 2004 Tom’s 47th birthday is very cloudy and thunderous. Not much in the way of rain yet. I wish it would pour like hell so we can finally see how bad it’s going to leak in here.

My incense came today and when I started pulling scents out like Citronella of all things and Amber and Sunflower and Hawaiian Rain, I thought they really fucked up badly. Then I realized they were the freebies I forgot to get! I was like – damn! That’s 7 more scents I could’ve had. I decided to give the ones I didn’t like to the young girl who works at the storage place. She seems nice and I don’t know anyone else to give them to. I’d rather give them away than dump them if possible.

Tom likes the vanilla, though I think it’s too mild. I told him he could have it, along with my $37 of business profits leftover from Arizona, for his birthday.

We opened an account with US Bank and they let us deposit the BOA check. There’s a 5-day hold on it, though. A really nice chatty lady opened an account for us. The people here in general seem chattier which is ok as long as I don’t have to live with them. I do make it a point to be friendly and at least a little sociable so God won’t force these people on me in any way. I figured that if I show at least a bit of friendliness when someone strikes up a conversation with me, the less likely He’ll be to find some reason to trap me in the city with them.

After the bank, we had pizza at Pizza Hut for the third time since we came here, then we went to the library to check our email. I also signed up for more freebies. Tom would’ve filled out applications, but because of his black eye, he decided to wait. Is something trying to stall him from working? Well, I just hope he isn’t jobless for too much longer! Not just because we need the money, but because I need some damn space! He’s always, always there and I really feel smothered at times. The only time I have to myself is when he’s sleeping, and still, he’s there. Always there. He offers to go outside to give me space, and that’s sweet of him, but I’d feel guilty for having him do so, so I just deal with his constant presence.

I’m burning Amber now. It’s so-so. Not anything to sic on the storage girl, but not worth getting again, though this was one of the freebies. There are only 2 of the 4 freebies I don’t like. I just wish I’d remembered to be the one to choose them! The Indian Fruit is good. I’ll add it to my favorites.

Later…

It’s raining now, and sure enough, we had to play Leak and Bucket in a few areas of the overhead. See, I may’ve brought the noise curse into this relationship, as I told him, but he brought the leak curse in. Never did I have this problem before we met and I grew up in a place that has a lot of rain. Ever since we’ve known each other, every house and vehicle we’ve had/have has had leaks of various kinds.

Well, it took two weeks to find a spider in here, so that’s good. It’s also good that it was small.

SUNDAY, JUNE 27, 2004 Last night we ran the heat as we let it get too cool in here too early by keeping the windows open well after the sun began to set. At least it works and so does the refrigerator.

They say we’re to have isolated T-storms all week. I was wondering when it was going to rain here. It’ll be interesting to see how the rain is here. I’m sure it doesn’t come down as heavy as it can in Arizona. I just hope this shit RV doesn’t leak too much! We moved the thing over to where we’re going to be building. The view isn’t as nice here and the brush piles we’re closer to sure are ugly, but it’s only temporary. Plus, we’ll burn most of the brush sooner or later.

I heard two gunshots yesterday and Tom heard one the day before. They were nothing like Maricopa’s constant pop, pop, pops, thankfully. Wasn’t nearly as loud either. I doubt you’d hear it in a house.

Tom said he saw a rat, though it wasn’t nearly as big as ours. I thought I saw one today too, but can’t be sure. It may’ve been a mouse or even a lizard as fast as it was.

The good news is that he set the satellite up so we could go online. The bad news is that he got assaulted by one of his tools, the poor guy, and now he has a black eye. He was holding a ratchet wrench overhead when it slipped out of his hand and hit him on the cheekbone. He wanted to get a new license tomorrow, his birthday, but not with a black eye!

Between today and yesterday, I did a lot online. Of course, the whole ensemble took forever to set up, but it was worth it. I caught up on my Webshots pictures and signed up for a new round of freebies.

Next time I’ll empty the picture card so I can start taking pictures of this Pacific Northwest beauty! As I said, the only things missing from the landscape are the palms and cactuses.

I’m hoping to print too, but I may have to wait till I can get new cartridges as I’m sure the heat dried up the ones I have.

We made 3 stops today. First we went to the storage place to use their hose to fill up our jugs and dump our trash. Tom was constantly being chased down at one point by a yellow jacket. It just wouldn’t leave him alone and it was so funny! Usually, when you move away a good 20’ or so, they give up on you, but the thing just wouldn’t give up on him. Not even after hitting it a million times! He finally realized it was attracted to a part of his shirt that was bright yellow and so he folded it over.

Our second stop was back to that Chinese place where I got heaping portions of fries, egg foo young, sweet-n-sour chicken and pork fried rice. He got a burger and fries.

Our last stop was the grocery store. I didn’t get any food there because I got so much at the restaurant. Enough to bring here to share with the rats. I did get a book that looks really good, but I want to get a book light before I do any reading as the light here is awfully dim. Plus, it’s behind my book so it doesn’t illuminate the print well.

I also got a wind-up timer for when I bounce and some more earplugs.

FRIDAY, JUNE 25, 2004 We were out for a good 6 hours today. Before we left, we were overwhelmed by the smell of gas. Tom got out, found there was a leak in the hose, then ran to turn the motor off before it caught fire. I swear we can’t even go a week without vehicle trouble! We are so, so cursed in that department. Fortunately, he was able to fix it.

Our first stop was at the storage place to drop off a few more things we won’t be needing anytime soon.

Our second stop was at the mail place. Sure enough, there was nothing for me. He got quite a surprise, though. A check for $374 from BOA. We’re not even sure what it’s for. Something to do with something we didn’t need to pay for. The catch is, though, the fuckers wrote out a third-party check, making it a bitch to cash. We went to a BOA branch, but they wouldn’t cash it without certain forms of ID which he didn’t have. So he used their service phone to see if he could find out why they’d send him a check he couldn’t cash, other than to play with him, and sure enough, they hung up on him as soon as he gave his name. That’s BOA’s favorite thing to do; hang up when the call pertains to Tom S. So after he ran up their phone bill a bit and I stuck my gum under their counter, we decided to contact the credit union down in Arizona about mailing it to them to cash. We could cash it at a check-cashing place, but they’d want a huge chunk of it just to do it.

After dealing with those assholes, we went to a place similar to Home Depot to compare lumber prices. They had these really cool wind chimes I’m going to get some time that are made of wood rather than metal.

We went to a Chinese/American restaurant that was excellent. He even tried their eggflower soup and admitted it was good. His cheeseburger and fries were cooked to perfection. My pork fried rice was so-so, but the egg foo young was the best ever. I look forward to getting some fries in the future for myself, along with glazed chicken and crab rangoons.

I hung out at the library for an hour while he did job research right around the corner at The Work Connection. Except for a lonely old man who wouldn’t shut up at times, it was nice to be able to browse the web, even though I couldn’t download anything.

When I checked my email, I was delighted to find a shipping notification from the incense people saying it was shipped today. That’d put it here Monday which can’t come fast enough! You know how I crave my smells as much as most crave sweets. I really thought they either forgot all about me or that it went to someone else.

Hand-dipped incense sure does dry fast in an RV! I’m already enjoying the Chocolate, Brown Sugar, Vanilla Musk and Watermelon I dipped.

Monday I’ll have Black Henry, Blueberry, Bump & Grind, Butter Rum, Carefree, Carnation, Chamomile, Angel, Egyptian Gods, First Kiss, Forbidden Fruit, Gingerbread, Happy, Hollyberry, Hugo Boss, HP Guiltier, Indian Fruit, Oriental Nights, Magnolia, Patchouli Rose, Pleasure, Pear, Rose Geranium, Sexy, Somali Rose, English Rose, Unforgettable & Vanilla.

Tom didn’t apply for a job today but found half a dozen or so promising ones. The only thing he won’t do, besides work for BOA, is truck driving. He doesn’t dig driving and he sure as hell hated driving the RV, which we’re moving tomorrow, closer to the construction site.

We’re not completely sure what we’re going to build; a 2-story dome or two 1-story domes that are connected. Maybe we’ll start with something small to get moved in faster, then expand later. As it is we agreed to compromise on the fence. Instead of a complete 5-strand fence, we’re just going to do a 3-strand fence in areas people could drive in through. Later we’ll add more strands or a grid for the inevitable dogs and kids that’ll end up with us.

We saw someone drive by for the first time since we came here nearly two weeks ago. It was a guy with a big dog that he let out to roam around loose while he checked out some land. He never exited his truck, though it was obvious he was looking at land, then backed up to where the dog was, which started to come onto our land. Then he turned around and left.

The people a few lots down are gone, too. Maybe they really were just camping.

Because we don’t plan to go out tomorrow, we stopped at the grocery store after stopping at DQ for blizzards. Since I ate so much today I only got a bag of chips and some freshly picked raspberries.

I also finally managed to find some postcards. I got 6 different scenes I’ll be sending both Mary and Mom one by one. After I mail Mary a card and a letter on Monday, that’s it till I hear from her. I want to make sure she’s gotten the cards and letters I’ve sent so far and my book before I go sending more.

Tom finished College Romance which he agrees is better than Imprisoned Love. Only this idiot here got the last 6 pages out of order! Hope I didn’t do that with Mary’s copy, though I’d think she’d have told me if I had.

My skin’s been a bit less dry here and my lungs are a lot less tight.

THURSDAY, JUNE 24, 2004 Today was the first day in roughly two weeks when we weren’t on the road. I’m sure the truck appreciates the break as well.

Tom got up early as he usually does, and I slept till noon.

We rearranged some more and blew my exercise ball back up today and I did a half-hour bounce. I was rather dismayed to find I’m still 130 pounds, but not surprised. I hold my weight very well as do most people my age. It’s just that I feel smaller and I haven’t eaten nearly as much since we got here. I’ve cut way, way back. Oh well. That’s just life with a slow metabolism.

I was also dismayed but not surprised to hear Tom say he saw military planes fly over. He said he wasn’t sure if they were the kinds of planes that boom, and suggested that maybe they were headed for the ocean if they were. I’m sure we’ll hear them at some point either way. I just hope it isn’t any more than we had to hear them in Maricopa.

Yesterday and the day before were quite warm. It didn’t get so cold in here come early morning and I could sleep in a sleeveless shirt instead of a long-sleeved one. Today it only reached the mid-80s.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 23, 2004 We weren’t in town too long today. Just long enough to do laundry and go to the grocery store so we don’t have to go out tomorrow for a change, even though I’ll miss having a real meal to get filled up on at least once during the day. It’s just that eating out gets too expensive and we can’t fit much in here. Besides, without a microwave or a refrigerator that works, we’re limited as to what we can get. Lastly, I have to eat as little as possible so I don’t go gaining weight as I haven’t been exercising.

While I was doing the laundry, Tom went and emailed Miss Perfect, but who knows if it’ll go through? I think she had a block on, though under the circumstances she probably ran and removed it.

There’s not much else to say other than that I miss being in a real room on solid ground with a real bathroom and space enough to walk through comfortably in, and I’m kind of tired of Tom always being there. Everywhere I turn, there he is. He’s a great guy, but too much of someone is too much. Everyone needs their space, privacy, and solitude at times. Hopefully, though, he’ll be working next week.

I picked a handful of these gorgeous bluebells and put them in a cup of water.

I also dipped some incense since I can’t get them to send me any. I’m not going to call either, since it wasn’t much money we lost, just to hear some bullshit line like how they never got the order or that they really did send it. I’m not playing mail games, and besides, they now have what they wanted and that was to get rid of me as a customer. I don’t know why they wanted to get rid of me, but the fact that they seem to be fucking up more and more on me tells me they’ve obviously been trying to drive me away. Maybe they think I asked too many questions, though isn’t that what they’re there for? Either way, I’m done with them.

TUESDAY, JUNE 22, 2004 We had been confused over which of the mountains was Bly Mountain, but as it turns out, it’s Bly Mountains, plural, which means it’s all the same mountain and not one individual mountain.

We timed it and getting from the land to the paved road takes 10 minutes. It’s 40 minutes total to get to Klamath Falls.

I’ve been less tight in the lungs since we got here, though yesterday my nose was a little stuffy.

We called the 800 number of the company that makes these screen rooms and had them fax a copy of the proper instructions to his email account which we printed out at the library. It turns out we were way off! That’s ok, though, as we have to disassemble it anyway to move it and this RV toward the building site. We want to be close to where we’re going to build, and speaking of which, we may not bother doing the 10 x 25 garage since we’re going to ultimately use this RV for storage. Instead, we may do something smaller and save time and money while we’re at it. We were thinking of something that’d be around 10 x 6 for the illegal shower and 10 x 15 for the room we’ll live in till the house is built. Or built enough to move into. It won’t be completely finished when we do move in.

On our way out we saw people a few lots down from us. I don’t know if they’re getting ready to build there or just camping out. They waved to us when we returned 4 hours later. It’d be okay if they built there as they’re far enough away with all the woods between us. If it were the open desert, then they’d be a bit too close for comfort as 400-600 feet doesn’t seem like much space where it’s flat and open. We couldn’t hear or see a thing as far as they were concerned, whoever they are.

Our land is at a weird angle. It’s almost like it’s parallel with the road rather than shooting straight off of it. If someone built either in front or behind where our house is going to be, we could see them easily as opposed to those that may end up on the sides, though Tom thinks it’s unlikely anyone will ever build around us in our lifetime. We’ll see if the people/noise curse ends here or not. Only time will tell, though I can say that I’m sleeping with him better than I expected. We’re not sharing the same bed since they’re kind of narrow, but he’s not waking me up with his movements and snoring until he goes to leave the RV when he wakes up which is usually before I do. I’ve been sticking a foam earplug in the good ear when I go to sleep.

It’s so beautiful here with the butterflies and wildflowers. I just wish there weren’t so many bugs, but at least that won’t be a problem year-round like in Arizona.

It doesn’t get dark here till close to 10pm. Massachusetts does daylight savings too, but being on the west side of the country and so high in elevation and all that, it stays light pretty late.

We hooked a mouse up to this laptop. How I missed being able to use one! They make things so much faster and easier.

I’m surprised I haven’t heard from Mary, though I’m not surprised. After all, I just sent her a story I wrote, and I don’t seem to hear from her for a while after I send her one.

Today was the warmest day since we’ve been here and a bit muggy, too. It was probably in the low 90s, but still rather cool compared to Arizona.

For today’s meal, we went to Pizza Hut for the second time for pan pizza. He got his pepperoni and I got my mushroom.

We stopped at the Work Connection today and a woman who sounded like Miss Perfect gave us a little tour. Her name was Eshoni which I assume is Indian. I like it. It’s different. Maybe I’ll use it in a future book for one of my characters. They’re not a temp agency or anything like that. All they basically do is tell people what’s available. The only bad thing she had to tell us was that Oregon’s workplace is very competitive and that it had the highest unemployment rate in the nation.

The only thing that bothers me about the discrimination law is that while it says it’s illegal to discriminate against someone for their gender, race, color, religion, or political beliefs, it says nothing about sexual preference. It’s 2004 and it’s still perfectly legal to discriminate against gays! What a fucked up world we live in. We’re spending so much time catering to the wrong kinds of people while we neglect good, decent, honest people who don’t hurt anybody. We kiss the asses of groups of people who have caused nothing but one problem after another in society, yet those who just want to live in peace, get shit for rights. If gays don’t have equal rights by now, they never will any more than we’ll ever have a woman president. I can see a non-white male in our lifetime, but there’s no way a woman or a gay person will ever be allowed to be president.

The rats are still living in the truck, though we let them run around the RV at least once a day.

MONDAY, JUNE 21, 2004 I was surprised to get a letter from Bob. He says he hasn’t been hospitalized, but he has been ill. Something about needing lung and heart surgery. He also claims to have written every other week. If someone hasn’t been stealing his mail to me, then he’s gone senile.

I’m getting a bit sick of the daily trips into town just like the last time we moved. Hopefully, he’ll be working soon and I’ll be able to have some alone time here on the land.

There are a lot of seagulls around here which I love, though not up on the mountain.

I picked up some cheap incense today since I can’t get incense from Bob and Jeff. It sucks compared to theirs and it also sucks that they won’t send me what I ordered.

We stopped at the main library today to check our email. I was surprised to have only about a dozen messages, all spam, of course. We forgot to look for the screen room instructions, so we looked for it at a smaller branch with unlimited internet time (the main branch is 15 minutes), but they don’t have a website. Therefore, we’re going to call their 800 number.

We also went to the county building for info on the permits, septic, etc.

Since I expect there’ll be lots of times when I’ll have to write by hand, and since it looks like I’m months away from being able to print, I picked up a notebook today, along with some multivitamins, and even vitamins for the eyes.

My meal of the day was a blizzard from Dairy Queen. May not be the healthiest thing, but I figured it didn’t matter as long as I kept my calorie intake really low and had plenty of water and vitamins.

Since the shower in here sucks, we discussed the possibility of joining a gym somewhere just so we can take real showers. It’d be cheaper than weekly trips to motels.

I got to vacuum and rearrange in here today, so it helps to know things are cleaner and neater and that there’s a bit more space in here.

Tom also cut his hair with the haircutter while the generator was running, charging up the RV’s battery.

Today we went over this mountain’s summit and into a small dumpy town called Beatty. We got gas and water there. We also checked out Bonanza. That one looks like a quiet, pleasant little town. There’s a swimming hole not too far from here, though I doubt we’ll ever use it. Too cold, no doubt.

SUNDAY, JUNE 20, 2004 I’m stuck having to write by hand as the laptop has a wee bit too much voltage for this battery which isn’t quite fully charged at the moment. Therefore, I’ll type this up some other time.

Tom just killed an ugly worm that was walking across the roof of the RV. I can’t believe I haven’t seen any spiders in here yet.

After a day of non-stop driving, errands and work like we’ve been doing every day so far, we had a relaxing evening together. We listened to music and munched on chips while he read and I wrote. He began my College Romance story.

I think I forgot to mention that on our first day here, we went down this road which loops around to Beaver Road, then back to the main road. Well, Tom had to move two fallen trees just so we could get by! Fortunately, they were small enough. The poor guy cut up his hands and arms while he was at it.

I still feel a bit overwhelmed at the thought of living in this thing for so long. It’s been freezing in the mornings. I had to put the foam pad on top of the air mattress as it felt like I was lying in an unheated waterbed.

The thought of having to deal with the county worries me too, though I try not to let it. I’m not moving and I’m not going to do what others tell me to do. Not at my age and with land I own. I still worry they’ll tell us we’re on the wrong land and that we need to get this RV licensed here and inspected, and of course, this old piece of shit would never pass inspection. Like I said, though, I’m determined not to let anyone fuck with us. I’m not going to be pushed around and made to do this or do that, and I’m not paying for other people’s fuck-ups either.

Tom called to whine to Miss Perfect about all the things we need to spend a fortune on to set the stage for when he asks for money, though she did say to let them know if we needed money.

We walked around and scoped out where we’re going to build the house and garage.

Today we bought a screen room, but thanks to people’s stupidity, we couldn’t get it completed. That’s because the idiots enclosed instructions for a different one. So tomorrow we’ll go to the library and download the proper instructions and check our email.

This morning sucked as I was not only freezing my ass off, but the sound machine began making an obnoxious tone as its batteries crapped out, waking me up instantly after barely 5 hours of sleep. The sleep curse was put on me right around the same time the noise curse was put on me, and the thought of having to sleep with so many interruptions for God knows how many years makes me want to scream.

There’s still no saying when we’ll have the satellite set up and I can print.

I explored the abandoned trailer diagonally from us and I can’t fathom for the life of me why anyone would dump what was obviously once a beautiful trailer. It’s newer, nicer and bigger than what Dennis had. The floor of it, though, was covered with rat turds. They have packrats here. It seems to have been here for some time. It’s demolished too, with busted windows and doors.

Not a soul has driven by in the time we’ve been here. It’s way quiet and remote. I can see that there’s no way I’ll ever hear hunters to the degree that I did in Maricopa.

We’re hoping that once the house is done, Tom won’t have to work during the snowy winters. Maybe we’ll get a winter home outside of the snow zone, either way. The variety of having two places might be nice as opposed to moving. We can have vehicles for plants, even if they’re old junkers, so it looks like we’re home even when we’re not, and we’ll move them to different spots whenever we check the place out since I doubt the two places will be that far apart. Then again, you shouldn’t be able to tell if anyone’s home with a windowless garage.

Tom hopes to be employed within a few weeks. There’s this thing called The Work Connection and hopefully they’ll be helpful.

Today we went to Walmart which is where we got the screen room. I also got some air fresheners to hang in here since I can’t have my damn incense and since it’s not yet convenient to dip my own. I was surprised at the variety. When I saw they had Angel, I was hoping it was the same as Angel incense, but it wasn’t. I still got a good variety – watermelon, baby powder, vanilla, wild berries and Eternity perfume.

Even I go back on my word at times. I said no more dolls for a while, yet I got a way cute doll named Kayla. Guess she’s a new friend of Barbie’s.

Tom got a burger while at Walmart and I got KFC. That counted as our daily meal. Because I haven’t been able to bounce and am too tired to jump rope half the time, I’m limiting my snacks big time. Besides, I really want to save as much money as possible. I’d rather put the money into the garage than in my stomach, so I’m eating just enough to stay alive and healthy.

We also stopped at Home Depot today which is where we got bricks and pavers to put under two pieces of plywood so the screen room would have a floor.

SATURDAY, JUNE 19, 2004 I had hoped to finish updating yesterday, but again I got too tired.

Still haven’t gotten the incense I know I should’ve gotten by now. I knew they’d do this to me, too. It’s like they want to lose me as a customer. Well, lose me they have. I’ll either get incense somewhere else or I just won’t get any at all.

The mail has already been forwarded to us. I was a little surprised there was no mail from Mary. I told her before we left that she could start using the Oregon address.

So far there’s been no vehicle breakdowns since we arrived here. We talked about going to the California coast eventually, but I don’t know. If we do, I sure as hell won’t want to stay in a motel!

This is the second day I had just one thing to eat. I’m trying to have just one meal or snack a day to save money. Two nights ago when we were in the motel, we got personal pan pizzas at a nearby old-fashioned pizza joint. They were good. Tomorrow we’re going to do KFC for me and some other fast food place for him. They have some of the same stores here, as I told Mom and family in the letter I mailed out to them today. I’m still working on a letter for Mary.

We did our laundry at the motel. There’s a Laundromat in town on a main drag where we go for our mail that we’ll probably use. I doubt it’ll be crowded with rowdy assholes.

Anyway, it’s now time to describe our beautiful, peaceful, dogless, musicless, voiceless land. Well, this place makes Maricopa seem like it was a big bustling city! It is absolutely dead quiet. All we’ve heard is a couple of jets flying around and faint traces of large trucks going down a nearby highway that cuts through the mountain. Better yet, I think it’s at the base of the mountain. This area is either flat farmland, though not like the farms in Maricopa, thank God, or a series of mountains and valleys. We are literally the only ones on this lane (lot 13, block 80, unit 4) and literally the only ones on this particular mountaintop. Well, we’re really damn close to the mountaintop anyway, which allows for some wind to blow through, but nothing fierce like we had in Maricopa. Unlike the constant, intense winds we had down there, we have a nice breeze here. The sound of the wind whistling through the treetops is soothing.

Hasn’t rained yet, and I dread the day it does for fear of the RV leaking like crazy. Tom’s going to give the roof another coating of this rubber sealant he has.

The land is mostly of ponderosa pines and junipers, a type of evergreen. There are lots of aspens around here, but not on the land. In the midst of what is on the land, there are these tall grassy things with scattered pinecones on the ground as well. There is evidence of life here as people once camped here before it was zoned residential. The trash is minimal compared to Maricopa, and it’s very hard to see what little there is because of the grassy, hilly, treed terrain. Speaking of which, because of the terrain and climate, you really don’t need to be out this far to live in peace. They don’t always build houses on top of one another here as they do in most of Arizona. They don’t all look the same, either. Most of these houses are big and vary in shape and size, as opposed to all the square little box houses set in tight rows in Arizona. You can really breathe here.

There are lots of lovely wildflowers here. Little daisies, plus other small flowers of yellow, purple and orange.

There are lots of beautiful, colorful butterflies around here. I even picked one up by its wing for a few seconds. We don’t care for the mosquitoes, but at least we no longer have to peek under the stairs for rattlesnakes or worry about scorpions or giant spiders. I haven’t seen any spiders yet, but I know they’re here. I see enough of their webs in the trees.

You really need to be as virtually fearless as Tom and I are to live here. It’s way remote. Yes, the thought of being so far out if we had a medical emergency is a bit unnerving, but it’s worth it. I think a lot of people would be scared to live way out here in the woods, your classic slasher movie setting! We tease each other about Jason jumping out from behind a tree in his hockey mask. Or was that Michael Myers?

Anyway, it’s gorgeous. I’ll miss the cactuses and the palms, but the woods are so peaceful and beautiful. The mountains are lovely as well. The air is clean, crisp and cool. I don’t look forward to the bitter cold and the snow, though.

The woods have both open and dense spots, but with our nearest neighbor a mile away, it doesn’t need such density. Most people don’t want to go where there’s no power. I realized that if it was too dense we couldn’t get in so easily, let alone haul in materials for the house and have room to build in. The more brush and trees we have to clear, the harder it’ll be. When the Brady Bunch joins us, we can always fill in any gaps with whatever. Still, some of it is so dense that a house could be barely 200’ away and you wouldn’t know it.

I can hang my wind chimes on the trees here easily. Couldn’t do that on the few tall Palo Verde’s and mesquites we had in Maricopa.

I feel very comfortable here. I grew up in the woods so I’m used to it. It’s similar to the woods in Massachusetts, just not so humid. The temperature’s been in the high 70s to low 80s. It’s gorgeous during the daytime, but chilly late nights and early mornings. I was surprised to see that they have dust devils in the more open spots.

Instead of having hundreds of smelly cows like that dairy farm had on the way to Casa Grande, there’s a series of green pastures with scattered horses and cows mixed in grazing. They don’t stink at all.

The mountains are similar to Arizona, although they’re greener and scattered with trees, rather than brown and rocky. There are even patches of sage that look like they could be in Arizona. It looks more like New England, though New England’s more hilly than mountainous.

The land and properties are way cleaner and neater than in Maricopa where everyone was such slobs. I know a big factor in that is that most of the people here are white. I’ve been out every day since we got here and have only seen a few blacks and Mexicans. Now that’s something I can get used to! I was so fed up with their shit.

Our land is hillier than we realized which we like. It’s not too hilly to build on, but hilly enough to provide even more privacy.

I love how there are no biting ants while there are lots of squirrels and chipmunks. I’ve already begun feeding them. I got so close to one of the chipmunks that I could see its whiskers. We’ve even seen lizards here.

The view at the end of the street is spectacular. It drops down into a valley and you can see another mountain straight across. Actually, all around most of our land, there are gaps where it drops off and you can see distant mountains. I can’t wait to take pictures, but who knows how long it’ll be before I can do that or get online or print? I could probably print tomorrow when we fire up the generator, but setting up the satellite is another issue.

The rats run around the RV at times, but we moved them to the back of the truck so I could get a little more peace in the RV. We’re going to put them in the screen room we plan to get tomorrow during the daytime and then toss them in the back of the truck at night. They were staging little fights to get attention and getting on my nerves.

I was shocked when Tom said that this area looks a lot like northern Arizona, but I’m still glad we left that state. We wanted a state where you could gamble from home and without so much of the reverse discrimination and insane laws mixed in.

There are some small towns between here and Klamath Falls (I don’t think this place has a name) like Olene, Dairy and Bonanza. We’re about an hour and 15 minutes from the California border.

They don’t let you pump your own gas in this state for some reason, but so far we both like Oregon better. I just hope we don’t get forced out by the snow, as we are in a snow zone being so high up, and into town in an RV park. We came here to get away from people, so it’d suck if circumstances forced us back with them. On the other hand, dogs and people aren’t going to be outside stirring up a ruckus in the wintertime in this place.

Food prices are similar to Arizona’s, but the cost of living is way cheaper. It used to be cheaper in Arizona too, till it became more in demand.

As I said before, we were worried this wasn’t our land, but Michael gave us the number of a nice couple who came out this morning on ATVs with a cute little dog, and they say we are on our land. Together we stepped off the perimeters, but we still intend to get a surveyor out here. It’ll be costly at around $300, but this way we know for sure we’re not on the wrong land. The reason it’s so expensive is that if the surveyors tell us we’re on the right land when we’re not, they have to pay for us to move.

I really hope these people know what they’re talking about because I do not want to move. Makes me feel like I’m in jail again with the threat of having to move when I like it just fine where I am. The land we thought was ours is much too dense, and while it’s great for privacy, we have enough privacy as it is and we need room to haul things in and to build in, as I said before. It also has huge piles of brush. Dead trees that I guess the county gathered up to lower the danger of forest fires, which would be excellent firewood for us.

I am going to be so pissed if we pay the surveyor money to find we’re on the wrong land and that Michael’s people can’t tell us where it is for sure. If this is the case, we’re not paying for his mistake. Our days of paying for other people’s mistakes are over. Instead, we’ll deduct the surveyor fee from our land payments if we can’t get him to reimburse us. If it is our land, then we’re responsible for the fee.

We found out from this couple (the woman was from Phoenix) that the person who bought the land next to us traded it in for another piece next to someone they knew. As they said, yes we could end up with neighbors building around us, but they don’t think we will. It wouldn’t surprise me if we did only because of our history. We asked about other available parcels just out of curiosity and weren’t impressed with what was available. There were pieces further out (the drive to town is long enough) or that were too rocky.

We just have to be careful not to get lost as Tom already did when exploring the woods. You really can’t see very far in most spots. When you’re not peeking through openings across valleys and onto other mountains, you can’t see much at all.

I asked the woman about dangerous wildlife and she said she heard one person say they saw a bear in the 9 years she’s been here, and she’s seen a mountain lion once. No need to worry, though, since they’re so rare and are afraid of people.

She also said that the winters vary and that she has seen up to 5’ of snow here. Yuck!

Another thing I haven’t mentioned yet is the abandoned trailer on the property diagonally from ours. It can only be seen from a few places on our land, but it’s there, nonetheless. I wish we could get it over here as we could use all the room we can get. Living in less than 200 square feet is no fun! We’re making it more and comfier little by little, though. Tom’s snoring hasn’t been such a big deal, but his movements can be since they shake the whole RV like they did with Dennis’ trailer. I never thought I’d say this, but I miss his old piece of shit! It was bigger and nicer than this thing. At least his toilet, sink and shower/tub were all separate. Here, the bath is no bigger than a phone booth. It’s terrible! I don’t see how a large person can get by in it. I know I barely can. The toilet, sink and shower are all one. You have to close the toilet’s cover and sit on that just to take a shower, but at least there’s a foothold there to make shaving easier, unlike in the Motel 6 we recently stayed at. Even so, we decided to keep this thing and use it for storage once we’re out of it because we’d have to license it in this state in order to sell it and it just wouldn’t be worth it. Besides, we really could use it for stuff and make the place look a little more populated than it really is. No one’s driven down this road since we’ve been here, but still, it adds security that never hurts.

I never did describe the RV. It’s pretty simple. There’s the cab with the overhead, then the bath, closet and kitchen are behind the driver’s seat. Behind the passenger’s seat is a bench and table we turned into a bed. I got a twin air mattress and that makes it much comfier. There’s a bed along the back of the RV as well which is where Tom’s sleeping. The refrigerator and back door are wedged between the two beds and there’s a scattering of cabinets. We can’t wait to put up the illegal shower we plan to set up inside a shed that inspectors won’t know about, and the garage/room we decided on in Arizona for $1600. We’d prefer compost toilets over a septic system, but we may not get a choice. For $50 a month, the county will provide us with a porta-potty, so we learned today from the couple (Tom’s going to talk to the county next Monday) and they’ll even empty it, too. That’d be nice to have on top of the RV’s shithole.

When we first arrived here, we backed the truck off the trailer and turned the trailer into a U-Haul. The storage place was closed so we made two trips there the next day and then another the day after that.

We went to Dairy Queen a few times. I always loved their burgers and fries, but here they suck.

I got a Barbie-like ballerina doll and decided that that’d be it in the doll department for quite some time to come.

Tom’s hoping for a job at the Home Depot to get discounts on building supplies, but I don’t vibe it.

For just a buck, since I haven’t been able to bounce yet, I got a colorful jump rope with shiny handles, but haven’t even been able to use that yet. I’ve either been too busy or too tired. Tomorrow I should be able to bounce in the screen room, though. It should be 10 x 13, the size of my Maricopa office.

FRIDAY, JUNE 18, 2004 We’re in the RV now and I’m determined to finish my updating tonight. We plugged the laptop into a converter which will allow me to type for hours. The laptop’s battery, however, wouldn’t let me type much more than an hour or two if even that.

The Barstow motel was the worst one of all. They mentioned they were doing a lot of remodeling there, and I honestly believed they were moving furniture around above us when we both got woken up at one point. Tom, a heavy sleeper, was able to go back to sleep, but I couldn’t go back to sleep for a few hours. I had to wait till people would quit slamming things around. I lay there wondering just why would they need to come and go so much. And why would they need to run around the rooms so much? You’d think they were moving in and setting up months’ worth of stuff. It was horrible!

This particular motel, the Desert Inn, had rock-hard beds, but a small refrigerator and a microwave. It was also cheaper than the Motel 6 which had softer beds, but no extras. They didn’t even give you Kleenex, let alone shampoo or lotion. The rooms in both places were so small, too. We stood in the Motel 6 in Klamath Falls, Oregon last night, as well as when we broke down in Merced, California.

After leaving Barstow, we passed some absolutely huge and breathtaking mountains. How I wished we had a decent camera! I took what pictures I could, but then I filled the card up and couldn’t take anymore.

We also passed an airplane graveyard, but I couldn’t see that from my vantage point. I could see the windmill forest, though. We passed a lot of cornfields and orange groves along the way. Some marshlands too, with cranes, geese and ducks.

We stayed at the Arizona rest stop the first night, the chaotic Barstow motel the next, then we broke down the next day. What was scary about it was that it was Sunday, but fortunately, his brother Steven came to our rescue. We could’ve walked or taken a cab to a motel, but it was nice of him to give us a ride. He and Carol live in Madera so it took him a half-hour to get to us. I swear he sounds exactly like Miss Perfect. The way he talks is a total carbon copy of her, but he was nice, nonetheless.

We had three scares along the way. The first day, some idiot nearly ran us off the road, making the truck wobble back and forth like hell.

Then in Merced, a center bearing on the RV broke and we didn’t know how long or how much money it’d take to fix it. Fortunately, a manufactured home dealer let us park on their lot and we were able to get it in there in the first place, and fortunately, the part only cost $16 and he could get a guy in a machine shop to press it on the next day. As bad as it was, it could’ve been much worse. We could’ve been rendered completely immobile on a dangerous part of the freeway, the part could’ve been expensive, and we could’ve had to empty out the RV with no place to put our stuff so it could be towed, ending up costing a grand. The thought of how bad it could’ve been makes me shudder. I was wondering if something was trying to stop us from getting here. Tom said he thought it might be a test to see how badly we wanted to get here.

As pissed as I was and as frustrating as being stuck in Merced was, I had to laugh when I thought of how I’d have killed to be stuck in California when I was all alone and lonely with no life back east.

The final scare was when we got stuck once we finally did get here. I said to Tom, “Well, this can’t be a test to see how bad we want to get here since we are here.” Yet when we drove up the mountain our land is on and was so close to the land, we took a wrong turn and went down a road that was squeezed in between some very dense woods. I mean, it was so heavily wooded that a person couldn’t walk through some of it, let alone drive through it. The pine tree branches were scraping alongside the RV as we went down the road only to come face to face with a locked gate! It turned out that the road was really someone’s driveway. Getting the RV and truck turned around was hell and it took us the better part of an hour. I had to go out and spot for him, and still, it was hard.

We ate at Denny’s a couple of times along the way and made it to Woodland, California on the 14th where we ate inside a Walmart. I got a refreshing salad that was way more than I could eat, so I shared it with the rats like I usually share most of what I eat with them scavengers. It was there that we picked up bottles of water, some snacks for the road, and a few postcards. One for Mom, Miss P and Dave, and two for Mary.

I mailed them on the 16th from our new mail place. It’s pretty cool. All you do is hand them your outgoing mail. You can also get to your box 24/7, 7 days a week. The main door is open during business hours, but after that, all you have to do is punch in a code. The only thing you can’t get just any time is packages. It’s a private business run by a pleasant family. The PO usually delivers mail by 10:00.

When we first got here, Tom pointed out that the people here don’t seem happy till we met the girl running the storage place who seemed uppity and told us she lived just 15 minutes past the California border. When we saw how friendly they were at the mail place, I jokingly said to Tom, “They must live in California.”

Anyway, it usually takes 10 days for mail to be forwarded, so if I’ve got mail from Mary waiting for me, it’s news to me. I just better get my damn incense without a fight! That I had sent here.

I haven’t yet found any postcards in this state because this particular area isn’t very touristy.

I’m getting better at psyching things out on command because, by the time we reached Willows, California, Tom asked for a vehicle vibe. I thought about it for a while and concentrated really hard. Suddenly, I knew we’d be okay and that we’d make it to Oregon with no more breakdowns. This he was as glad to hear as I was to sense.

With all the bad vibes gone, we stayed at a rest stop in that town. It was pretty damn hot but not as bad as the first rest stop was.

The most awesome scenery came on the final day of the trip as we passed through the Mount Shasta area. It was like, wow! The breathtakingly gorgeous green mountains with little wildflowers against the snowcapped mountain were quite impressive. We saw parts of Lake Shasta as well.

THURSDAY, JUNE 17, 2004 Oregon…

We finally made it to Oregon! We got here on the 15th as I predicted. So far I like it better than Arizona, but first I want to cover other things.

Although I’ve gotten more sleep along the way than expected, I’m still pretty beat a lot of the time with the fixed schedule I’ve been on. I don’t want to get more and more backed up in my writing, so I’ll do some updating, despite being tired.

Before I left I ordered free address labels from the same people I got Maricopa labels from with our new address so we’ll have those handy. I won’t go for a new round of some of the other freebies I got down there until we get back online and that could very well be weeks from now. I know that the more I want whatever I’m expecting in the mail, the more I have to fight for it, so I’ll have to go to the library to see if there’s any email from Incense Galore explaining why I haven’t gotten the incense I should’ve gotten by now. We placed a tiny retail order the day before we left so I wouldn’t have to have such large quantities of the new scents I wanted to try and maybe end up hating half of them. Maybe I’ll just call them instead.

The cell phone provider we were using doesn’t service this part of Oregon, so they assigned Tom a new number. Still, it’s a real pain for him because he has to punch in the number twice. We got a new phone I’m going to activate soon, and eventually he’ll get a new one, too.

We got a hold of Miss Perfect for the first time since we got here. She got my letter and the Arizona postcard, but not the California one yet.

Tom also spoke to a friend of the guy who was supposed to show us how to get to our land (the guy’s out of town). We found the land ourselves, or at least we thought we did. The more Tom studied the maps, the more it looked like we were on the wrong lot and that ours was the next property over.

Anyway, backing up to Arizona – I am so, so glad that part is over! There’s still an overwhelming amount of work to do here and so little money with which to do it, but at least we’re here. Once we know for sure where our land is, we can begin making progress, even if it’ll be very slow.

There was so much to do during the last few days we were in Arizona. As usual, I was right and he was wrong when I said we’d run out of time to get rid of things and that he was foolish for waiting till the last minute. Same with how much space we’d have for packing things. I told him it wasn’t quite as much as he thought it was. We left behind 80% of our belongings, and that includes the tall bamboo palm I had. I ended up selling it. I had to go as low as $5 to get rid of it, but I’d have just left it if I couldn’t sell it, and to tell you the truth, I wish I’d left the others as well. Well, maybe not the palm, but there was so little room. It was worse than A Tower’s cramped cells! The poor big leaf plant got so beat up. That, the palm, and the spider plant are all outside right now. I don’t know if they’ll live, but I don’t really care anymore. There are more important things to worry about right now than plants, and I’m not going to buy any more. I vowed to not play the damn “starting over” game unless it’s in ways I absolutely have to.

I saw the big leaf plant planted by several houses and one of the motels we stayed in when we were in California. Someone I spoke to said it might be a banana tree, but its trunk sure looked like a palm tree on some of the ones that were between 10-15 feet tall.

We didn’t want to cancel the electricity down there until we left in case there was a delay, and there was. We got a late start taking off on Friday.

The day before that, he called Huey’s assistant to let him know we’d leave the keys in the lockbox on the side of the house and gave him the code.

We ran out of time and had to leave both the inside and outside of the house trashed, and as usual, Tom was paranoid about it. I reminded him how put out we’ve been by others and how much we’ve had to do on account of others and that someone else picking up after us a bit won’t kill them. Huey got a smoking deal off of us, so I wouldn’t complain about having to put forth a little elbow grease if I were him. I’d just be grateful to have gotten what I got. Also, some of the stuff we left was rather nice, and he can always afford to hire someone to clear it all out if he doesn’t want to do it himself. He’s rather loaded. I don’t feel bad about it, though. We got $5,000 and he’s going to get well over $100,000, so I say let someone else clean up and sweat a little for us for a change.

He did manage to sell the Ford Taurus at the last minute to a teenage kid in that Mexican family. He was originally going to ask $350, but when he discovered the heat-cracked windshield he dropped it to $250, then to $140 when he saw that the taillights were shot, too.

The Mexicans also ended up getting the airbed as the winner of it emailed us to say they couldn’t pick it up by Thursday. Also, as we knew was the case, the bedroom set winner was just playing with us, so that went to them, too.

We spoke to a few people who’ve been to Oregon and no one had anything bad to say about it, so that’s good.

It’s scary to know that if Teddy Bear had come around like she said she would and I had been foolish enough to dump love for lust, then broken up with her in time and tried to get back with Tom, he would’ve been gone. Long gone without a trace. And I’m sure his family wouldn’t have divulged his whereabouts either. But I was smart enough to know in the end that her looks would’ve faded while his love would remain forever.

In the end, Tom said he thinks it might’ve been better if he’d only taken his clothes, tools and computer and I’m starting to wonder if I should’ve taken just my necessities, along with my computer. As it is I’m seriously considering not buying any more dolls. Porcelain dolls can be hard to get, there are more important things to spend our money on, and I don’t want to have to move or sell them when we move again in 1-6 years.

That was the eighth car stereo to blast by the Motel 6 we’re now in in the course of 10 minutes. The car stereos are worse here and in California, but it makes sense, too. Oregon and California aren’t nearly as strict as Arizona, so when they started enforcing the damn things, the Arizonans were quicker to tone it down. Why tone it down here if they’re just going to frown upon you for it, whereas in Arizona you practically get executed for everything?

Anyway, I was a bit tearful the final night and during our last trip out the door. Upon completing the entry before the last one, I sat back, gazed around my office and realized it was the last entry I’d ever write in that office, reached forward and turned off my computer. Although it was a sad thought, I thought of all the sad, infuriating and frustrating entries I’d written in that house along the way, and reminded myself of all the reasons I wanted to move, despite how lovely the house was which I know I’ll miss for a while. Especially the shower! Tom was worried I’d regret leaving Arizona. I hope I won’t and I don’t think I will.

We first thought this move would be easier than the last because we were taking so little, but we both agreed it was much harder. It’s hard to cram stuff into such small spaces, for one, and we didn’t have a 5-day drive the last time, nor did we have to go longer than 4 months before we could get in the house. We’ll be playing RV for close to a year before we can move into the garage, and God knows how many years it’ll be before we get just the shell of the dome up. It’s going to be rough as hell for quite some time, so it better be worth it in the end.

Like I said, it’s been non-stop work, work, work. You’d think I’d have lost some weight, but I haven’t, since all the work in the world doesn’t matter when you stuff yourself at my age. I intend to stop that real soon. Not to lose weight, but to save money.

It’s hard for me to concentrate with all the bumps and bangs and the cruising stereos. See, originally we were going to spend one night a week in a motel to have a real shower and some space, but the “real shower” is crap. It’s just a little shower stall with no foothold to make shaving easier, no real water pressure, no nothing. So why pay $200 a month when the RV shower’s no worse, just to have space and listen to all the door slamming and whatever else it is these people do? Motels are just too noisy. I don’t know why, but they are. Maybe it’d be better if it was a hotel and it was winter. I’ve been to lots of motels and hotels before the noise curse was put on me and I never heard a thing. Now, they just can’t seem to sit still. They go in and out constantly as late as midnight, they have to stop and gab outside our door, they throw shit around their rooms, walk like elephants, blare TVs, slam doors and drawers, and so on and so forth. It’s just terrible! I’m going to be woken up by Tom as it is, though he says he can sleep in the back of the truck just fine until it gets really cold which is really sweet of him, but I wouldn’t make him do that.

I seem to be jumping around a bit, so let me get back to Arizona.

A day or two before we left I got a red T-shirt dress and a Trendy-Bendy Barbie at Walmart, figuring I could use a treat in the midst of all the stress I was going through.

Sometimes I wonder what the point of living really is when all you do is struggle to get ahead so much of the time, and when you finally manage to do so, you get kicked back down. Almost the entire trip was a nightmare. We broke down as I predicted, and the whole trip was spent just hoping we’d get to Oregon in one piece, and sweating like pigs till we reached northern California. I never could’ve handled the heat 12 years ago, and barely could this time around either since I had to spend so much time in it. I got a bad sunburn as well as sun poisoning, and Tom was also burned as well as miserable during the drive because the engine, which is between the two seats and has worn insulation between it and its cover, was really hot on his feet.

Our shit was also falling on and off throughout the trip. The scanner went down at one point and I’d be very surprised if it still works. It’s a good thing they’re pretty cheap and that I don’t use them very much. It chipped the big leaf plant’s pot when it fell.

Another annoyance was the flying dirt from the spider plant by the window that Tom was silly enough to leave open when we went to take off.

As I told Mary, we weren’t being gently led by the hand by whatever decided, along with us, that we were destined to live here. Yanked by the hair was more like it!

At 40’ long, riding in the city where the traffic was heavier was scary, and riding in remote areas was scary as well, for fear of being stranded due to the breakdowns we can’t seem to escape.

Getting back to the last day – Tom drove the truck up onto the trailer and strapped it down before loading its cab and the roof up. That was another nerve-wracking thing during the ride; fearing things would fall off the roof. It had a damn good trailer, though. It had a hydraulic brake to keep it from pushing into the RV when the RV would slow down. It also had a safety chain attached to a break if the hitch let go. We were probably 2-3 thousand pounds overloaded which is yet another thing that made the drive shaky. It was way treacherous and stressful. No doubt the hardest trip of our lives. It’s very hard to control any vehicle that’s bogged down like both the truck and RV were.

It took us hours to load up, and when we walked out the door that last time, I was in tears, though I got over it quickly. I may miss the shower and having a home to live in, but I don’t miss it in general. I’m looking forward to a better life and house here. Tom felt bad, though, which made me feel worse. I mean, I didn’t mean to worry him or bring him down in any way, so I assured him I’d be ok, and I was. Just tired and tense. Like I said, it was a hell of a trip!

So after my teary goodbye to our house, the saguaro and Joshua tree scenery along the way was gorgeous despite the sweltering heat.

Because we were off to such a late start, we stopped at a rest stop about 80 miles from Needles, California shortly before sundown as we did not want to be on the road after dark. I think it was somewhere between Buckeye and Quartzite. I wrote letters to Mom and Mary and did up postcards I got at a tourist shop/eatery we stopped at before we settled at the rest stop. I got Mom a wildlife postcard and one for Mary as well. Then I also got Mary one of a p-dog and one of a rattlesnake.

We got a pizza there, and for $16, I also got a way nice, way realistic figurine of a cocker spaniel. Then again, it’s covered with real goat fur, so I don’t know if it’d be called a figurine. I don’t even know what it’s made of. It seems too light to be plaster of Paris, so maybe it’s made of Styrofoam.

At one point Tom asked how it felt to be homeless and I had to admit that being homeless and being jobless sure did feel strange. He said it feels exciting. Yeah, in a way it does so long as it’s not too long before he gets a job. Like it or not, money really does make the world go ‘round. Besides, I’d really like some alone time along with money to live and build on.

The Arizona truck stop was miserable because it was so unbearably hot. It usually cools down nicely, but not that night. That night it was still a sauna come 4 AM, and I got very little sleep. We had a huge truck running next to us which acted like a sound machine or a fan, so that was good, but its airbrakes would hiss rather loudly from time to time.

I’d love to keep writing, but I’m just way too tired. So, despite the bumps and bangs going on around here, I’m going to try to get a little sleep.

MONDAY, JUNE 14, 2004 In California on the Way to Oregon…

I have mega updating to do from where we are right now in Merced, California. For starters, the trip has been a nightmare for the most part. What I had hoped would be more fun and exciting is actually more strenuous and stressful. The vehicle, sleep and noise curses have followed us! There’s just no shaking free of it. Tom even has to stop to play fix it when he’s fucking traveling, for God’s sake! Mary is so wrong in saying God digs me. We’re about the last two people on earth he digs. I just hope the breakdown was really only the usual “let’s pick on Tom and Jodi” bullshit and not something trying to keep us from reaching Oregon, which is now down to about 450 miles away. We began with about 1100, so it’s not like we haven’t covered any distance. We really are inching our way there little by little. It’s just that now we’re looking at not getting there till Tuesday, our 10th anniversary.

Anyway, I’ll get to the breakdown soon. I just want to cover the trip in as orderly a fashion as possible.

We had the moving sale on Wednesday, two days before we took off. We took some old pieces of wood and painted them white. Then, using the blue paint we got to paint part of the house, we painted on the address. Tom then screwed on posts and sledgehammered them into the ground by the main roads. At first I was convinced that eBay was a waste of time and that once again, we were paying for others to benefit, and if there’s anything in this world I’m sick of it’s doing for other people or because of other people. However, a wonderful Mexican family got most of the furniture and we made over $300 from them alone. Can’t say all Mexicans are drunken welfare bums after all. I think they or someone they know has a furniture store, so I’m pretty sure they’re going to resell it, not that we care.

I even sold all the incense that I made! For just $5, but hey, at least I sold it.

I sold some Yves perfume that was just so-so to a woman who also once lived in Phoenix. She too, said she couldn’t stand the constant barking and how people kept their dogs outside all the time.

She also told me a lady there got bit on the hand by a rattler and was in the hospital for a week. Well, neither of us will miss having to look under the stairs when coming and going for snakes!

We left a lot of free stuff by the dumpster we rented, and eventually, this one guy took it all. He said he likes to have annual yard sales just to meet his neighbors around him. Why would he want to live in a place like Maricopa if he wants to know his neighbors?

TUESDAY, JUNE 8, 2004 This is the second time Tom was headed to Casa Grande only to break down in the truck again. It’s like, thanks, God. Thanks a real lot. We really need this shit on top of everything else we’ve got going on, and I suppose you’re going to make sure we break down like crazy on the way to Oregon.

And Mary says he digs me? Yeah, right! Well, I don’t feel so “digged” right now, but either way, what is this we got going on? Is something trying to trap us here now, or what? Tom doesn’t think so, but it sure seems like something’s trying to trap the truck here and keep him out of Casa Grande. If anything, this latest shit with the truck could delay us from having the moving sale today as we planned, but whenever we do get around to it, I’m sure the ‘everything happens at once’ rule will come into play where instead of having one person at a time come through, we’ll get a dozen people at once, then no one for a while, then another clump of people, etc. They’ll all want to come get the furniture at the same time, too. On the other hand, I don’t even know if we’ll get more than just the immediate neighbors to the moving sale because of the heat.

As we agreed, we don’t have time to stop and play Fix It for the millionth time so as long as we can drive it up onto the trailer, we’ll wait and then play Fix It in Oregon where it’s not a million degrees out. If there’s one thing I would add to where we’re going it’s public transportation. The time and money spent fixing vehicles have been outrageous, but I know it’s just an old curse that’s been on us for some time now and that it’s not going to lighten up anytime soon. No matter where we go, our vehicles will always break down more than they should whether they’re old or not.

The bed has 2 bids and the TV has 1. So far the highest bidder is the same person. I’d like to think that whoever comes here to get the stuff will be like, “You know, winning this for pennies hardly seems fair, so why don’t I give you guys a hundred bucks?” I know they won’t, though, but that’s ok. I don’t mind giving away material things I have no use for, but ask me for money and I’m a cheap Jew at heart!

The bed just got bid on, only I’d be willing to bet they’ll never pick it up if they win it. This person has more negative feedback than positive. I can’t believe eBay hasn’t banned their membership! They’ve won 4 things and have failed to pay for the last 3, so this is someone who’s obviously obsessed with not doing what they say they’re going to do. Still, with half the things bid on, it makes me think we should’ve listed the computer desks/chairs and his bed and dresser.

Reagan died the other day. Good. One less bigot in the world. I know he hated gays, though not as much as Bush and Baby Bush do. I don’t get this all-white, all-male president thing we’re still dealing with even up till now. I mean, we’re living in a time when everybody’s frowning down on racism, yet you still have to be white, married and male to qualify to run for president. So if there still haven’t been any off-brand males, there sure as hell won’t be any women, gays or singles. I think you also have to be Christian too, or Catholic. Can’t have any disabilities like paralysis or deafness either, and probably no birth defects like what I have with my ear.

I had a dream the other day that gave me another story idea that’d basically be about a gay woman set up by a hotshot connected to a psych hospital who gets pissed at her for his own personal reasons and tricks her into being committed there. Meanwhile, a therapist there, also gay, falls for her and helps get her out of there.

The dream was just one of the many “stuck places” dreams I had after Valleyhead, then after jail. It started off with me realizing that the place I was trapped in was even worse than jail because they ran you ragged with activities all the time like they did at Valleyhead. You couldn’t just lie around there. Then in a group therapy meeting, some cock running the show there mentioned checking out my family and various people I know, making sure I’d overhear him, obviously trying to intimidate me. Then he made me the laughingstock of the group somehow. Afterward, I caught him alone in what appeared to be some form of a workshop. He was sitting on a stool working on something at a huge counter or table when I stepped through the open door into the room. He told me to go back to where the other patients were, but I demanded an answer from him as to why he was doing this to me. When I didn’t get one, I shot out a fist in an explosion of rage, boxing his temple. He fell off the stool and hit the floor at which time I wasted no time pummeling his face to a bloody pulp. Then I gave him an ultimatum as he choked on blood to either release me or else I’d have outsiders attack his family. Yet sure enough, he cared more about spiting me than the safety of his family, so he ratted me out and I had his family attacked because of it. Then he and some other head honcho were promising my immediate release if I’d give them the name of the attacker. I woke up at the part where I said, “No, you release me first and then I’ll give you the name.”

Later…

I put a spell on the truck and it seems like it may’ve helped. There’s certainly no help from above, so we’re on our own. The suspension system looks ok which was what he was worried about because the whole truck started vibrating like crazy. He’s going to grease it up now which hopefully won’t take too long, but we won’t know more about the truck until Tom fiddles with it a bit more. Like I said, we can’t afford to stop and play fix it. We’re running out of time. We have too much other stuff to do in preparation for Friday morning’s take-off.

The bed sold for something like 11¢, the TV for $3.25, and the bedroom set for a penny. We never got an end-of-auction notice pertaining to the bedroom set winner with all the negative feedback, but the bed winners in CA and the TV winners in Vegas. The TV winner is having someone pick it up tomorrow, and we don’t know yet about the bed. A lady in Yuma who said she was too late on bidding, emailed Tom saying she’d take it if the winner was a no-show. Then Tom got an email from someone who had asked about the TV’s measurements, saying to let him know what’s left as he may buy it all, so Tom let him know we’re having a moving sale all day tomorrow and gave him the address.

I really hope we make at least some money tomorrow. As it is, we’re doing too much for others, as usual, and at our own expense. Instead of playing fix it and email with these people, we should be cleaning out the RV and packing more shit. I’m just tired of being a charity worker. We tried calling consignment shops, but they didn’t have room and we couldn’t find a Goodwill or a Salvation Army in Casa Grande, and of course, there’s no way they’d drive all the way out here from Phoenix.

Life really is compensating, though, cuz Tom saw his mom yesterday for what will probably be the last time and she gave him $650 between his birthday, our anniversary, gas money, and the turntable and receiver he gave Miss Perfect. As he said, it wasn’t as much as he was hoping for, but it’s better than nothing. I just wouldn’t want to know it if she had 100 grand or more in her account right now, because that’d be really cheap of her to give us a measly $500 when we need thousands.

I’m just waiting for her to die. At this point, that’s all we can really do.

The dumpster arrived a while ago, so now all we have to do is hope there’s no hold-up with the trailer and that we can at least get the truck up onto it and that the RV starts come Friday morning!

I was wrong when I said we were about 25 miles from the CA border. It’s more like 50.

I’m looking forward to putting my books in the store, or at least some of them! As Tom said, it’s all in the packaging, so we’ll want to find some way of binding them that’ll be nicer than the wire binder. I’m trying to stick to popular subjects, though gayness isn’t exactly a popular subject itself. Still, in books and on TV they want sex, murder, pregnancy and childbirth, so no matter how old some of these subjects may be to me, I gotta try to write what’ll sell.

Later…

Just as I figured, the bedroom set winner with all the negative feedback is just out to play with people. First of all, they’re in New York of all places. Secondly, they haven’t contacted us. That’s what other sellers who left negative feedback for them said too; that they were unable to make contact with them in any way, let alone get a payment. It’s almost like they want to accumulate tons of negative feedback, but hey, it’s their loss. Whatever doesn’t go either gets dumped or stays here.

Tom couldn’t find anything wrong with the truck which he just took to Circle K. If the thing starts vibrating really bad like it did earlier, he’ll turn right around and take the car. Makes me wonder if we should’ve sold the truck, but then we’d just have to turn around and get one when we got to Oregon cuz we’ll need something for hauling lumber in.

The most important thing at this point is getting the trailer, getting the truck onto it, and getting the RV to take us to Oregon!

This is the last entry I’m going to type on this computer desk I love so much. It’s being disassembled tonight to be put outside for tomorrow’s moving sale.

Anyway, however he manages to get to Circle K, he’s also going to make the second and last attempt to get my story to Mary. I told her she should receive it the day before we leave, but if all goes well, she’ll get it the day we leave. He’s also going to put up the moving sale flier there, too.

The dumpster was left in the middle of the driveway, about 50’ – 70’ from the road. This is where we’ll set up the freebies. All the little things will be free, or most of them anyway. I’d still like to get a little something for the plant as well as for the well wiring that’s on a big wooden spool out back. And of course, there’s the car that’s still got to go, too.

So much to do and so little time! I feel like the action’s never going to end. And just how many months will it be before I can sleep on a real bed of some kind again, I wonder, though that’s really the least of my concerns? For the last 3 nights here, I’ll be sleeping on a foam mattress.

MONDAY, JUNE 7, 2004 Today’s been a rather shitty day for the most part. Will there ever come a time when people aren’t running us ragged, screwing us over, or when our shit’s not breaking? He went to go to the store for some things to tide us over, instead he breaks down in the truck and has to throw an additional $40 away. By the time we even get to Oregon, there’s not going to be any money left for us!

If he can get there without breaking down, he’ll at least get $70 from Miss Perfect for the stereo. He said that’s what he feels he should charge her but will let her decide what’s best. I’m sure she’ll agree to that price. I just hope they don’t forget our anniversary and his birthday. We need the money. Bad!

I don’t know what I’m more sick of, shit breaking, us getting screwed over, or us having to do for others or because of others.

The fact that I didn’t sense either the RV or truck breakdown has me rather alarmed, too.

Because no one’s responded to the ads about the furniture, and because we doubt we’d get rid of it during the moving sale, if we ever get to have one, we placed 6 one-day auctions. One for the bed, one for the bedroom dresser/nightstand, one for the dining set, one for the living room set, one for the big spider lamp and one for the big screen TV. We’ve stressed in each auction that they have to pick the stuff up themselves. We have too much of our own work to do. I am so, so sick of having to do for other people. It’s like, when do we get to live for us and to do for us?! Again, this excludes typing for Mary. She’d have to hit me with 50 pages a day before I’d be overwhelmed. Anyway, I have mixed emotions about us going this route as promising as it’s looking. We started everything off at just a penny, and if these things sell at the opening bid, well, it’s good that we’re getting rid of the stuff, but not good that we have to pay to get rid of it. Shouldn’t it be the other way around? I’d just hate to pay for stuff we paid 3 grand for. Again, I swear something up there put us here to be a financial asset to others!

Then we get bombarded with questions like, can we box the bed up, and it’s like, hey, we’re giving this to you for a lousy cent and you still want us to do this and to do that? That should be your responsibility.

So far, though, it looks promising for the bed and living room set. Someone’s watching the TV and lamp as well. The bedroom set looks the least promising right now, but the number of views doesn’t tell us as much as the watchers do. If someone takes the time to put this on their watch list, then it means they’re seriously considering getting it. I just hope they’re not in Australia!

On his way to Miss Perfect’s, he’s going to arrange to have the dumpster delivered tomorrow. Again, I think we should just leave everything that we don’t want or can’t sell here and let others be put out by us for once and have to pick up after us for a change, but you know Mr. Paranoid Gotta Do Everything Right here. I told him, half teasingly, half-serious, “You worry so much, dude, that next thing you know, you’ll be saying we gotta do this or gotta do that so that a meteorite won’t fall on our heads.”

Anyway, I just want to get out of this place! He had considered asking Huey for an extension into Sunday morning, and I put my foot down and said no way. We were going to leave today, then today became Friday. No more delays, I told him. Come Friday morning, we’re outa here no matter what!

I decided that not only because we’ll be so broke once we reach Oregon, but because there are at least 20 newbies I want to try, I’m just going to make a small retail order of incense when we get there.

SUNDAY, JUNE 6, 2004 Oh, how a part of me wishes I could snap my fingers and have it be one week from today! That’s when we should arrive in Oregon. Better yet, I think I might snap us up a couple of years from now.

I am so, so overwhelmed right now with all that’s going on, even though it’s not in a bad way like with the 7-year nightmare of an ordeal with the freeloaders. It just seems like there’s no happy medium with us and that we’ve either got to be bored silly or constantly on the go. It’s like something up there wants to always keep things moving for me. Especially since I moved to Arizona. I remember when we finally got all moved in here, I was almost bummed to have gone from always being on the go, to being bored with not much to do. Remember, I wasn’t writing stories like I am these days. So I really had nothing much to do other than clean the house, wash the clothes, take care of the animals and decorate. There wasn’t much else happening on top of journaling, reading and watching TV.

And then I got arrested and had plenty to do for the next 2½ years, and this pattern worries me. Meaning, when we finally do get the house built, then what? Do I have to go back to jail less than a year after moving into it? Or will I acquire some medical problem that’ll cause me to have to play appointment like crazy? Then again, I suppose there’s no point in worrying about what God’s next move will be to keep me from getting too bored for too long since it’s not going to be happening for a while yet.

We’re just glad that while we’re making this move, he doesn’t have to work nights like he did the last time around. Whenever he does work again, he promised he’d say “no” to free overtime. Helping friends is one thing, but we will not work for free and be used!

Anyway, yesterday’s swap meet was barely worth going to. I figured we’d be compensated for how well we did the last time. Besides, the heat was a factor in keeping people away, too. It was miserably hot. We managed to set up with the sun at our backs and with the RV providing shade, so it was actually quite lovely till around 9:30. By 11:00, though, it was a sauna. I wished I’d brought the mister! When traveling on the dirt roads, we had to go super slow or else the whole RV would vibrate like hell.

There weren’t any obnoxious kids, but the tomato-selling Mexies next to us got annoying at times with the damn bass they used to draw attention to themselves with. They tried to anyway, but it was slow for everyone. All the vendors complained about that. Still, why you would blast music like that there is beyond me. You’re supposed to be selling merchandise, not bopping around to music.

While I was there I gave a guy our number that a woman selling next to us brought me to talk to. The guy was a seller as well, and supposedly he’s going to call about checking out our furniture, but it hasn’t happened yet. No one’s responded to the ads either, which means we’re either going to sell it at the moving sale we’re planning on for Tuesday and Wednesday, give it to a consignment shop, let Goodwill haul it away, or leave it here for Huey to decide what to do with. Tom’s a little worried about that one. As usual, he’s worrying too much and trying too hard to do things perfectly, and as I told him, he’s too paranoid. Leaving stuff here isn’t going to make Huey jump in his truck, chase us down and shoot us. There’s nothing even the crazy laws of Arizona can do to us if we left shit here. He spends too much time worrying about how others may react and too much energy sweating little things, though he agreed we’d leave stuff in the sheds that we may not be able to get rid of. I don’t care. I mean, I’m not worried about it. I’m sure Goodwill will haul it as a last resort as much as I’d prefer to get some money for it, but if we did leave it here, I’m not worried about it. There are no bridges to burn with Huey and he does not have a hold on us!

So anyway, we ended up making about $50 selling an old wall clock, coffeemaker, Handistitch, small sewing machine, singing gorilla, what was left of the fake apple blossom tree I stripped, a wooden chest, flags/pole, 3 videos, 6 cut glasses, 3 decorative plates, a 3D poster, the CD/tape/radio Steve gave me in ’89, and a toy ball with a little ball inside you try to bounce into these things that extend from it.

Like I said, it was pretty dead. When we were there in January, there were about 4 long rows of vendors, but this time there was a little over one row. Couldn’t have been more than 10 vendors in all. All Mexicans selling crap. There were hardly any whites but that’s just Arizona for you, which has basically become an extension of Mexico. How I wished it was January! And when we hit the road I’ll wish it was April.

The only real eyesore there was the pig that cruised in and out of the place in his squad car. It waved to us, too. Don’t know if it was the story-telling bullshitter from when we first got here or not, but I only saw him twice for a few minutes each, so I could probably pass him on the street and not know it was him. Tom said he was probably driving through to make sure no one was running a business as you’re supposed to be selling used things there only if you have no business license. Then he thought he might’ve been looking for someone with the way he went barreling out of there, but pigs go barreling out of everywhere, so who knows? As long as they don’t tangle with me! Because if they do, they’re going to learn that they’re just not as powerful as they’d like to think they are and that they’re not God who can go pushing people around at will.

We’re still on for a Friday takeoff. We’re not going to ask Huey to stay longer so we can have more selling time because it’d cost us more to cool this warehouse of a house than any sale money we could rack up, and we don’t want to stiff the electric company. Stiffing phone companies is one thing, but electric companies have too many connections.

Today and tomorrow will be spent sorting out shit in the sheds as well as inside. Tomorrow he’s also going to see his mom for what could very well be the last time, along with Dave and Miss Perfect, who he said just had to take his picture when they picked up the RV. At least she was polite enough to ask this time! Not surprisingly, Tom let her. He’s not completely oblivious to his appearance and he always tries to look his best, but guys aren’t usually as self-conscious as women are. If anything, they think they’re hotter than hot itself.

I’m not going to accompany him to his ma’s, since these are people I’m not overly close to, and because I’m going to be on the road so damn much real soon. Too long for someone who hates to travel! I love flying, but not traveling by road. I’ll live, though, as it’ll also be fun and so much more comfortable in the RV than in a regular car or truck. Even the passenger seat of this thing is more comfortable because it’s roomier and has a seatbelt that only goes over your lap. I just wonder if I’ll feel like I’m in a jail cell all over again living in it for about a year, and like there’s no getting away from Tom till we pitch a tent.

I really hope Mom will give us a little something. We need all the help we can get! How I wish we could have our inheritance now, even if it’ll only be 20 grand because she has so many damn kids as 20 grand would more than certainly be better than nothing. The only reason I wonder is not only because they don’t like me and have helped us a few times since we’ve been here but because, as we both know, his mother is selfish. Meaning, she may be pissed that Tom, who’s clearly her favorite son, is moving far away, and even if it’s subconsciously done, she may spite us by not even giving us money for our 10th anniversary on the 15th, then his 47th birthday on the 28th.

On Tuesday and Wednesday, we’ll be having the moving sale. Due to the heat, who knows if we can get anyone out here other than the nosy neighbors who always come over when they see something going on? Because it’ll be weekdays, we’ll have it in the late afternoon to early evening in front of the house where we can have some shade. Tom’s going to put up a flier at the PO.

Yesterday I was so pissed to get my last book returned to me because the lazy idiots at the jail couldn’t peel off the address labels I sealed the envelope shut with. If that isn’t a classic example of pigs out to control and piss off others, I don’t know what is. I mean, that is total, total power play! All the fuckers had to do was peel the labels off and give Mary the damn story. Meanwhile, I’m stuck having to resend it. As I told her, though, she either gets it or she doesn’t. If she doesn’t, it’ll just have to wait till she’s released. I can’t keep throwing postage away like that right now when we need every spare penny we can get, and I’m not in the mood for mail games with the assholes there, either.

Along with my story, I’m sending Bob a quick note, too. Both will go out Monday and will probably be the last thing I ever mail anyone from Arizona. They should get it the day before we leave. In my note to Bob, I said that I hoped he was still alive and that he got the letter and that I just wanted to give him the new address. I didn’t get into detail about anything else just in case he doesn’t get the letter but said I’d explain it all to him if I heard from him.

The word “Klamath,” so we learned by online research, is actually the name of one of the Indian tribes in that area. They have a casino there that is actually owned by 3 different tribes.

I hope I’m less thirsty there. I know water’s good for you, but when you drink glass after glass, having to constantly up and pee gets old.

We decided that for $27 a month, it’d be worth it to rent a storage vault for valuables and non-necessities like we did when we moved here, only this one will be smaller. It’ll be 10’ deep, 5’ wide and 8’ tall. It’s enough for us, though. I was the one who decided we should do this, and Tom agreed because I don’t like the idea of having to drive in and out so much with our valuables just because we don’t want to leave them on the land until we build more secure places for it. It’s probably going to take close to a year to get the garage/bath up, so why hog up truck space with it for that long?

I never got my points for ordering from Yves through Lucky Points a while back. See, I say these points programs are all scams. Just total bullshit.

Anyway, I really hope we can get a little something for this furniture. We really need the money.

The backs of my thighs have been way stiff yesterday and today because of the rearranging I did a couple of days ago. I didn’t think I worked that hard, but apparently, I did more bending and squatting than I thought I did for the 4 hours I worked. I repacked a lot of boxes to better group decorative and non-necessary items for storage.

For a while, we thought we might dump the idea of a dumpster, but then we decided that paying the $110 for a store-size one would be worth it. It’d just make things a lot easier with all the crap we’ve got.

We never did bother getting the open-fire burn permits. Not just because we have more important things to spend our time and money on, but because our agreement with Huey was to leave the land/house in the condition it’s in. Well, the brush piles were present when he scouted out the land, so leaving them alone would be leaving it in the condition it’s in. Plus, they’re going to be plowing away so much other brush as it is that this will be nothing for them.

FRIDAY, JUNE 4, 2004 If all goes well, and I don’t see why it shouldn’t at this point, we now have exactly one week left here! I just hope it isn’t going to take too many months to get the garage and bath built! Living in an RV and a tent isn’t exactly going to be fun.

I checked the temps for here and OR over the next week and did not like some of what I saw. It’s not only going to be murderously hot the next 3 days and not cool down till after the swap meet but also because OR has more like a 30-degree temp span rather than 20 like MA, it’s gonna be mighty cold during some of the nights! Oh well. Better than sweating like pigs, I guess. There’s a saying Nervous used to say: When it’s cold you can put on and put on, yet when it’s hot, there’s only so much you can take off.

Later…

Tom broke down in the RV on his way back from the store. Just what we need, too. If this shit had to happen, we’re just glad it didn’t happen in the middle of the long, straight, seemingly endless stretch between Maricopa and Stanfield or Stanfield and Casa Grande. We’re also glad it didn’t happen on the road to Oregon, leaving us stranded and forced to walk God knows how far, while we left everything we own behind at the side of the road for anyone to help themselves to.

Instead, it happened just a little while ago just two miles from the house on the dirt roads. He walked back to the house from there which took 15 minutes, but he said he didn’t mind. He can take the heat way better than I ever could. It’s the cold I wonder about, though he says he can handle that, too. I mean, I get cold just like anyone else, though unlike him, I spent 26 winters buried under many feet of snow in subzero temps.

Anyway, we were forced to shell out $53 for a new battery. What happened was the battery pulled loose and a wire shorted. The engine died and he coasted to the side of the road. He saw smoke rising from the hood but didn’t yet know it had caught fire. When he burned his hands opening the hood, then he knew. Fortunately, he was able to blow it out from there and discover that the engine had no damage. We’d really be in trouble if it had as that’s a huge expense.

He walked home, then drove the truck to get a new battery, stopped to put it in, then drove home. I offered to have him drive us to the RV and to drive the car back while he drove the RV since it’s just a couple miles, but he said the walk would do him good, as after all, he’s got to be in shape to build the house.

I doubt there’ll be any significant delays getting out of here any more than I was surprised by how fast the house sold. We’re not wanted here by whatever evil lurks here, and God wants us to move on and be constantly on the go for the millionth time, so none of these sources are about to throw hindering blocks at us.

THURSDAY, JUNE 3, 2004 The title came yesterday which is a big relief to us. It was a bummer I was wrong on the day it arrived, so it really would’ve been sad if I was more than just a day off. It’s a relief to us because we wanted to take the RV to the swap meet rather than the truck and because there’s now nothing holding us back here other than the stuff we want to sell and get whatever we can for. If we really wanted to, though, we could get a dumpster out here, dump it all, and hit the road the next day. However, the car and the furniture should give us an additional $500 or so that we could always use.

We also got our new address which looks like it could be an apartment. It’s not a PO Box. It’s just an address with a box number, and us forwarding our mail from here is a separate thing. Meaning, we already paid 6 months for the box so anyone can write to us at that address right now. We just won’t get it till we get there. What’s cool about it is that you can call ahead and not only find out if you have any mail but what that mail is, so you don’t end up wasting a trip for nothing. Also, UPS and FedEx deliver there, unlike with PO boxes.

Not that I wouldn’t have trusted Miss Perfect, but I’m glad we could do it this way. It’ll make it easier on everyone.

So the next 8 days are going to be super busy! The windshield’s getting replaced today, and the dumpster will probably be delivered on Monday. We’ll probably do the swap meet on both Saturday and Sunday, though only for a few hours at a time. Just like last time, we’ll probably leave around noon when it starts dying down. We’ll just remember the sunscreen first! Any leftover incense that doesn’t sell will be left here in the hopes of the newcomers delving into it, liking it, and then going to our store which is listed on the labels.

I may cut my hair to make things easier until we get a real bath built. Because it’s so damn thick, not having much water pressure will make it hard to wash. It’s already back down to the middle of my upper arm when pulled straight. It grows like weeds!

While it’s easy for me to say I’m not moving again after moving a million times in the last two decades, Tom brought up an interesting possibility. Assuming he likes building houses, we could be set for life as far as never having to work for others again if we build and sell houses. For him not to have a boss who could fire him or lay him off would be wonderful. I’m not saying we’ll do this, but it may be worth it if it’s going to ultimately lead us further away from the city and onto a 40-acre lot we can afford to fence and to where I can get almost any doll I wanted the instant I saw it and decided I wanted it. We’ll just have to see how things go.

I’ll be sending my last letter from here to Mary on Monday, giving her the new address at which time I’ll tell her to start using it. I’m glad there are no 4s in it as I really believe that 4 is the evilest number in the universe!

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 2, 2004 I was both bummed and surprised to be wrong about the title coming yesterday. I really thought it would. I hope it gets here soon!

Tom contacted that private mailing company. They’re going to send us a form to get notarized, and then yes, we can simply transfer our mail to the Klamath Falls address they give us. This means Mary can keep on writing as usual and that we won’t need Miss Perfect to forward it to us.

My weight’s up to 132 so I’m going to watch it between now and when we leave. When we get there, I probably won’t eat during the first few months as I’ll want to save all the money we can.

TUESDAY, JUNE 1, 2004 Our tentative traveling plan is to reach somewhere between Barstow and Bakersfield at the end of the first day on Friday the 11th. We’ll leave at sunup and drive for about 10 hours. The AC needs more work than just a recharge, so we’ll have to sweat it out at first. We should be able to make it out of the desert area by the end of the first day.

By the end of day two, we hope to stop somewhere around Redding and stay in a hotel at a casino. They won’t let us stay for free, but they’ll let us park the RV for free.

Sunday afternoon is when we should arrive at the land.

Tom’s back to thinking that a 3-story dome may be cool, though we’ll only have about 1500 square feet when we first move in. That’ll be a mansion compared to the RV and whatever tents we put up! Even compared to the long, narrow garage.

We were thinking of having a cellar, a main floor, plus a smaller upper floor. In the end, it may amount to the same square footage as this house.

[astroyongie]

Heyyy

So there's this orange cat 🐈, she's been coming to my house again and again, she/he always comes back, the first time s/he came in jan- feb, I live on the top floor and there's no way s/he can come, but I'm sure the cat comes from the building that is beside my building. So when s/he came for the first time, s/he was eating mouse, behind one of my plant. It was early in the morning like 8-9 am. We kept the cat the whole day with us but we had sent her/him back at night. She went back to the house we used to live in earlier. Now there is new family so the cat lives with them, but after some time the cat again came back to our house. We fed him/her some milk and again sent him/her away. This continued for some more 2-3 times.

But today it was totally different, There were 2 baby pigeons in my balcony. Their mom was making them Lear how to fly, they were going to fly in some more days. We daily see them, take care of them, so today in morning, my mom went to drop my sister at school, she saw that the baby pigeons were totally fine. She came back, and the baby pigeons were totally fine that time too, after some hours, my mom heard the 'meow' she went in balcony and saw that the cat was eating those baby pigeons. That was horrible. The cat killed the baby pigeons and eat them, there were two of them. We somehow cleaned the place and sent the cat back. It was difficult to sent the cat back since s/he was eating them . We left it and when s/he was done eating s/he went into the stairs and left the house.

So in conclusion, I want to know what does this can possibly means? It does mean something? Or am I just overthinking? If it does mean something related to spirituality then I would like to know, but if it's nothing and I'm just overthinking it, I want to know that too. So, in case you can help me ???

Thank you, have a great day/night.

<333

Hey love!

Honestly I think you are just overthinking it, as to me this doesnt sound like any message or anything.

In terms of what happened, it was just nature. Cats are predators and they will feed themselves on what they can hunt even if those are baby pigeons. I am very sorry that you had to assist that. Please take in consideration that this cat was only acting by its nature, that it was probably hungry and they do what they can to survive (just like the pigeons). I wouldt worry too much about spiritual meaning as for me, you just assisted to a natural behavior

[cozycottagetarot]

Heyy

So there's this orange cat 🐈, she's been coming to my house again and again, she/he always comes back, the first time s/he came in jan- feb, I live on the top floor and there's no way s/he can come, but I'm sure the cat comes from the building that is beside my building. So when s/he came for the first time, s/he was eating mouse, behind one of my plant. It was early in the morning like 8-9 am. We kept the cat the whole day with us but we had sent her/him back at night. She went back to the house we used to live in earlier. Now there is new family so the cat lives with them, but after some time the cat again came back to our house. We fed him/her some milk and again sent him/her away. This continued for some more 2-3 times.

But today it was totally different, There were 2 baby pigeons in my balcony. Their mom was making them Lear how to fly, they were going to fly in some more days. We daily see them, take care of them, so today in morning, my mom went to drop my sister at school, she saw that the baby pigeons were totally fine. She came back, and the baby pigeons were totally fine that time too, after some hours, my mom heard the 'meow' she went in balcony and saw that the cat was eating those baby pigeons. That was horrible. The cat killed the baby pigeons and eat them, there were two of them. We somehow cleaned the place and sent the cat back. It was difficult to sent the cat back since s/he was eating them . We left it and when s/he was done eating s/he went into the stairs and left the house.

So in conclusion, I want to know what does this can possibly means? It does mean something? Or am I just overthinking? If it does mean something related to spirituality then I would like to know, but if it's nothing and I'm just overthinking it, I want to know that too. So, in case you can help me ???

Thank you, have a great day/night.

I've literally been thinking about this all morning long trying to come up with a half-decent answer 😫. Honestly, I don't think it's a spiritual sign, I think it's just a situation that majorly sucks and that's why you can't stop overthinking it... after all you had kind of grown attached to both the cat and the baby pigeons. I mean sure it's nature... but you know it doesn't make it hurt any less. As far as overthinking goes, maybe try allowing yourself to be sad about it for a little while rather than thinking you have to get over it immediately? You could also come up with a way to honour the baby pigeons if that makes sense. Try to give yourself some compassion right now. I hope this helps a little. Feel free to message me or send me another ask if you need to/feel like it. x

[psychelis-new]

Heyy lyss <3

So there's this orange cat 🐈, she's been coming to my house again and again, she/he always comes back, the first time s/he came in jan- feb, I live on the top floor and there's no way s/he can come, but I'm sure the cat comes from the building that is beside my building. So when s/he came for the first time, s/he was eating mouse, behind one of my plant. It was early in the morning like 8-9 am. We kept the cat the whole day with us but we had sent her/him back at night. She went back to the house we used to live in earlier. Now there is new family so the cat lives with them, but after some time the cat again came back to our house. We fed him/her some milk and again sent him/her away. This continued for some more 2-3 times.

But today it was totally different, There were 2 baby pigeons in my balcony. Their mom was making them Lear how to fly, they were going to fly in some more days. We daily see them, take care of them, so today in morning, my mom went to drop my sister at school, she saw that the baby pigeons were totally fine. She came back, and the baby pigeons were totally fine that time too, after some hours, my mom heard the 'meow' she went in balcony and saw that the cat was eating those baby pigeons. That was horrible. The cat killed the baby pigeons and eat them, there were two of them. We somehow cleaned the place and sent the cat back. It was difficult to sent the cat back since s/he was eating them . We left it and when s/he was done eating s/he went into the stairs and left the house.

So in conclusion, I want to know what does this can possibly means? It does mean something? Or am I just overthinking? If it does mean something related to spirituality then I would like to know, but if it's nothing and I'm just overthinking it, I want to know that too. So, in case you can help me ???

Thank you, have a great day/night.

<333

Hello!

It's true that the Universe may send us signs in different ways and we should keep attention to them, but it's also true that not everything is a sign. And despite animals may be one sign (eg. cats generally are a sign of protection and spiritual connection), I think it's mostly when we see them randomly (or dream of them -but here meanings may change according on how you perceive those animals) and not continuosly as it was for you with this cat. Or when we have some kind of specific direct interaction with them, starting from them. Ofc at times it's hard to differentiate what can be a sign from what not, especially if there are other stressing situations going on in our life and we fear missing out on something important: that's why it becomes fundamental to stay grounded and not let worries take us over (whether what we saw/read/heard was a sign or not and how we should interpret it -generally a sign it's clear for you, as your intuition will know its meaning but it's also true that our mind may come in between with doubts). Anyway be sure that if a message needs to reach you, it will in any way when it's time. Universe can change the way in which it delivers it to you, so you won't miss out. Just always focus on not letting your mind take over cause it may cloud your thinking and not let you receive properly.

Anyway this to me sounds like plain cat behaviour. From my personal experience (I had a bunch of cats in my life and none of them was trained to be a house-cat, they were all wild predators; except for a couple we "adopted" and we did it by giving them food), anytime you give food to a cat, it just comes back. Cats aren't loyal as dogs, and especially those who have no owner but move freely around the town, they go wherever they find food as they just need to survive. This cat in/around you/your house found a mouse, milk, and even pigeons... I'd put 5 starfishes on Catadvisor if I were in them. Not to mention orange cats also have an history of being used by Vikings on ships as mouse-catchers (they're some of the most adventurous and good predators among cats). But yeah, nothing to worry about in the end from what I am getting.

Hope this helps, take care!<3

[mint-moon25]

APRIL - ARIES - MY GRAMMAR - IS - OKAY -

ONLY - BACKGROUND - MY - BERLIN - YES -

GERMAN - FATHER - DIDN'T- TEACH - ME -

HOW - 2 - SPEAK - MY - PINAY - MAID -

WHO - TAUGHT - ME - HOW 2 SPEAK -

MY - GERMAN - FATHER - ABANDONED -

ME - TWICE - AS - A - BABY - HOSPITAL -

TREATED - 4 - ALLERGIES - KIDNAPPED -

BY - PHILIPPINE - ADOPTED - MOM FOR -

THEY - STRANGLED - 2 - DEATH - WENT -

ALL - THE - WAY - WITH - THEIR - FIRST -

BORN - BABY - GIRL - AS - CHRISTIANS -

IVCF - UNIVERSITY - OF - PHILIPPINES -

WHO - STARTED - USA - FAMILY - INSURANCE -

$1 MILLION - PER - CHILD - MURDERED DEAD -

FR - CANCER - DISEASED - SUICIDE - ANY YES -

DEATH - NO PROOF - TAX - FREE - $1 MILLION -

WHY - TRAVELED - WORLDWIDE - MY - MAID -

AND - I - HEARD - IN - VIETNAM - PAID MALES -

2 - KILL - HER - AND - ME - FAILED - AGE 6 -

THEIR - OBEDIENT - 2ND BORN TRIED BUT -

HOLE - ON - FOREHEAD - MADE - ME - YES -

PARTIALLY - QUADRAPLEGIC - BUT - LOST -

MY - INTELLIGENCE - AND - LANGUAGES -

GRADE 2 - MY - GERMAN - FATHER - YES -

FOUND - ME - PER - HIS - PARENTS - AT -

COLLEGE - OF - ST AUGUSTIN - 4 - KIDS -

GRADES - 2 - 4 - DASMARINAS VILLAGE -

GRADE 2 - MET - GRANDPARENTS AND -

GREAT - GRANDPA - BERLIN GERMANY -

LIVED - IN - PARIS - AND - ROME ALSO -

SUMMERS - THEN - LIKE - MS UNIVERSE -

2015 - PIA WURZTBACH - THEY ABANDONED -

US - AT - AGE 9 - ME - IN - A - MAKATI - MALL -

I - TRIED - 2 - RECALL - MY - BAHAY - KUBO -

2 FLOORS - BUNGALOW - THEN - A - PINOY -

MALE - CHILD - STARTED - CRYING - 4 - HE -

WAS - LEFT - BY - HIS - FAMILY - IN - THAT -

MALL - COMFORTED - TOLD - HIM - WE -

CAN - THINK - BETTER - WHILE WE ATE -

I'M - PAYING - AND - AS - WE - WERE -

EATING - REMEMBERED - WHERE - I -

LIVE - AND - HIS - FAMILY - FOUND - HIM -

THEY - 1ST - TIME - IN - MANILA - MOTEL -

VERY - EXPENSIVE - I - SAID - BOARDING -

HOUSES - NON-COED - BEST - WAY - 4 PH -

CHEAPEST - SHOWERS - REAL - NICE AND -

MORE - SO - WITH - A - UNIFORMED - MAID -

LARGEST - ROOM - COST - AND - BOOKED -

THEM - TOLD - THEM - HOW - 2 - AND - ME -

BROUGHT - MALE - CHILD - AND - THEY -

CAN - MEET - US - LATER - THERE ALSO -

THEY - MOVED - 2 - MANILA - AFTER -

SEEING - MY - BUNGALOWS - ADDED -

FRUIT - TREES - MY - WINNING THEIR -

SINGING COMPETITIONS IN - MANILA -

GAVE - ME - MORE - THAN - ENOUGH -

MONEY - 2 - BUY - MY - LAND - THEN -

BOUGHT - FRUIT - TREES - HAD - YES -

PLANTED - SURROUNDING BUNGALOW -

INSIDE - MARBLE - 4 - AIR CONDITIONER -

THOUGH - LAND - LOVED - THAT - AC - 2 -

PLANTED VEGETABLES - OTHER FRUITS -

2 RABBITS - LOVED - OUR - CARROTS SO -

PLANTED - MORE - 4 - THEM - BOUGHT -

CHICKENS - 4 - EGGS - OUR - NEW YES -

PLAYHOUSE - GOT - MAIDS - UNIFORM -

ONE - DAY - A - MAID - WANTED 2 BUY -

OUR - EGGS - FRUITS - BONELESS -

FISH - AND - MORE - CHICKEN - 2 -

EVERYTHING - AND - WE - GAVE -

CHEAPST - PRICE - AND - MANY -

MAIDS - STARTED - 2 - BUY - FR -

US - GENERATED - OVER - P25,000 -

PHILIPPINE - PESOS - BOUGHT THE -

LAND - NEXT - 2 - US - ANOTHER -

BUNGALOW - FRUIT - TREES YES -

MORE - VEGETABLES - HIRED XO -

MANY - MAIDS - THEIR - PLACE 2 -

SLEEP - MORE - ORDERS - FROM -

US - BOUGHT - MORE - LAND AND -

ANOTHER - 2 FLOOR - BUNGALOW -

MORE - MAIDS - TODAY - OVER PH -

2,500 - CHICKENS - AND - MY LAND -

PRODUCES - 5,000 - ORGANIC EGGS -

EVERYTIME - WE - BARBEQUED CKN -

LONG - LINE - FORMS - 2 - BUY - SO -

WE - HAVE - SUPPLIED - EVEN THAT -

KNOW - YOUR - NEIGHBORS - AS WE -

BARBEQUED - MORE - AND - IT WAS -

A - GREAT - EXISTENCE - THEY - YES -

COPIED - OUR - LIFESTYLE - DESIGN -

CHICKENS - 4 - EGGS - FRUIT - TREES -

VEGETABLES - THE - NEIGHBORHOOD -

CHANGED - BUT - TODAY - HARD 2 YES -

FIND - THAT - PLACE - BECAUSE - WAS -

LAND - SURROUNDING - SO - I'M - NOT -

COMPLETELY - HOMELESS - I - JUST -

DON'T - REMEMBER - HOW - 2 - GET -

THERE - NAMES - OF - MY - BANKS 4 -

COMPLETELY - FORGOT - I - WAS - TOLD -

BETTER - WAY - HOW - 2 - SLEEP - THAT -

IS - ON - THE - TABLE - FACE - FACED FL -

DOWN - HOW - PEOPLE - TALKED 2 YES -

BLACKS - THEY - ALLOWED - THEM - 2B -

TALKED - 2 - THAT - WAY - BUT CLEARLY -

8TH - AMENDMENT - STATED - 'CRUEL -

AND - UNUSUAL - PUNISHMENT - YES -

INFLICTED' - THEY - TALKED - 2 - ME -

LIKE - THEY - WERE - AIRLINES - YES -

FLIGHT - ATTENDANTS - IN - FORCED -

LANDING - SIT - UPRIGHT - SEAT BELT -

WHEN - PLANE - DIVING - PUT - HEAD -

ON - THIGHS - STAY - DOWN - THERE -

SLEEPING - ALLOWED - AT - THE YES -

UNDERLINE - ON - THE - LIME GREEN -

TABLES - WHERE - THEY - JUST - PUT -

SIGN - L SIDE - MIAMI - POLICE - WILL -

ARREST - REMOVE - THOSE - THEIR -

YELLOW - WHITE - VESTED - SECURITY -

WHITE - SHIRT - SECURITY - DECLARE -

TRESPASSERS - THEN - MIAMI POLICE -

WILL - REMOVE - FR - LOCATION THEY -

HAVE - BEEN - DECLARED - BY - THE -

UNDERLINE - AS - TRESPASSERS FOR -

PUBLIX - HIGHEST - CONTRIBUTORS -

AS - LIME - GREEN - THEIR - COLORS -

THE - UNDERLINE - NOT - ALL PLACE -

STRONG - MBPS - 2 LOCATIONS - FOR -

ELECTRICITY - THIS - PRIVATE - YES -

LOCATION - ARE - FRIENDS - OF YES -

ARMED - MIAMI - POLICE - OPEN - CARRY -

ILLEGALLY - HANDCUFFS - PSYCHIATRIC -

QUESTIONING - INHUMANE - TREATMENT -

TORTURE - 'WITH - DUE - PROCESS - OF -

LAW' - SHOOTS - FOREHEAD - SHOOTS -

HEADS - FRIENDS - OF - PUBLIX - AND -

THE - UNDERLINE - PRIVATE - OWNED -

FRONT - OF - US - EMPTY - LAND - AND -

IN - FRONT - OF - SOLITAIRE - BRICKELL -

APT - BLDG - INFRONT - OF - SW 8 ST -

LOCATION - OF - BRICKELL - CITY - CENTRE -

OVER - $1 BILLION - 2 - CREATE - SAME FOR -

SOLITAIRE - BRICKELL - NOT - GREAT - TRUE -

PLACES - SHODDY - WORK - RAIN - FALLS ON -

2ND - FLOOR - LOBBY - DUE - 2 - STRONG YES -

WIND - THUS - GIVING - NOTICE - 2 - POLICE -

ALLIED - UNIVERSAL - SECURITY - TRANSIT -

POLICE - OPEN - CARRY - ILLEGALLY ARMED -

4 - 'WITH - DUE - PROCESS - OF - LAW' - THEY -

SHOOT - POINT BLANK - KIDS - NON-SERVICE -

ANIMALS - LEGAL - PERMISSION - MAGIC -

KINGDOM - MEDICAL - CENTER - FREE FL -

BABY - DELIVERY - FREE - DENTAL - MED -

SERVICE - FREE - SURGERY - WE - TRULY -

CONCEALED - CARRY - LESS - THAN TIC -

TAC - SIZE - BULLETS - 4 - FUN - 4 - WE -

WILL - WITH - 1 CLICK - DISAPPEAR THE -

VIOLENT - MEN - WOMEN - FLORIDA AS -

AMERICANS - FOREIGNERS - BLKS AND -

HISPANICS - EXTREMELY - VIOLENT BLK -

SPANISH - SPEAKING - EVEN - BLACKS -

FR - CUBA - OTHER - COUNTRIES - ALL -

SPEAK - SPANISH - WE - WITH - ONE -

CLICK - WILL - DISAPPEAR - THEM 2 -

FOR - AS - INDEPENDENT - DEMOCRATIC -

PARTY - 50 STATES - WE - WILL - WORK US -

THIS - CONSTITUTION - AMENDMENTS AS -

WE - SEPARATE - FR - ARMED - BY - THEIR -

STRANGE - 'DUE - PROCESS - OF - LAW' -

4 - WE - LOVE - CHILDREN - ANIMALS & -

WILD - ANIMALS - THIS - MED - CENTER -

4 - ANIMALS - ALSO - 24/7 - EMPLOYEES -

EXCEPT - 4 - TRASH - TOILETS - OWNERS -

EMPLOYEES - PER - STORE - WILL - NOT -

RECEIVE - OUR - MEDICAL - ATTENTION -

HERE - IN - USA - OVERSEAS - AS - WE -

REGISTER - EVERYONE - AS - FREE FR -

OPPRESSIVE - TYRANICAL - ILLEGALLY -

ARMED - MEN - AND - WOMEN OF THIS -

WORLD - WE'RE - 2 B - CAPTURED - BY -

THEM - AS - POOR - AS - FOREIGNERS -

AS - WOMEN - MISOGYNY - THE HARM -

ABUSE - MURDER - OF - YOUNG - GIRLS -

DUE - 2 - BREAST - SIZE - HARM - AND -

ABUSE - OF - WOMEN - 305 - PIZZA - A -

NICE - SLICE - GIVEN - ME - SO - WILL -

CONTINUE - THIS - I - AM - ALLOWED -

2 - SLEEP - HERE - THERE - IS - NO FL -

OTHER - PLACE - 2 - KILL - FOREIGNERS -

THE - UNITED - STATES - WE'RE - HERE 2 -

B - KILLED - WITH - BULLETS - KNIVES -

PNEUMONIA - TYPHOID - FEVER - GET -

KIDNEY - BLADDER - $9,000 EACH - AS -

FOREIGNERS - WE'RE - HERE - IN - 245 -

AGED - UNITED STATES - 2 - TORTURE -

ABUSE - GIVE - INHUMAN - TREATMENT -

BUT - KOREA - REMOVED - ACYRLIC YES -

NAILS - LITTERALLY - OF - BEAUTIFUL -

KOREAN - GIRLS - THE - USA DOESN'T -

HAVE - THAT - THINKING - BECAUSE -

ASIANS - AND - EUROPEANS - EAT -

CATS - DOGS - FROGS - LEGS - FEET -

OF - CHICKEN - PIGS - FEET - BEHEAD -

PIGS - PUT - THEIR - BODIES - FLOORS -

AND - WORSHIP - HEADS - OF - PIGS -

SO - WHAT - IS - WORST - THAN USA -

IN - TERMS - OF - MURDERS - KOREA -

SO - WE'RE - GOING - THERE - FAGS -

AS - WE - SUPPLY - MEDICAL - 2 YES -

GIVE - FREE - SURGERY - FREE - BABY -

DELIVERY - END - MARRIAGES - AS WE -

PRODUCE - THERE - NOT - ME - MY DNA -

BEST - COURSE - UNITE - WITH BOTTLES -

OF - TALL - BEAUTIFUL - MALES - BLUE -

EYES - MAKE - THEM - MOST BEAUTIFUL -

GIRLS - TRIPLETS - QUADRUPLETS - AND -

TWINS - AS - NEW - KOREA - PRODUCES -

GIRLS - UNTIL - QUITE - VISIBLE - 2 WIN -

MISS UNIVERSE

MISS WORLD

MISS TOURISM

MISS EARTH

WE'LL - CHANGE - KOREA - AND - USA -

UNTIL - THEN - JESUS - IS - LORD - FOR -

FOREIGNERS - IN - USA - 2 - SLAUGHTER -

AS - POLICE - 4 - THEY - THINK - AS - YES -

WOMEN - THEY - ARE - BETTER LOOKING -

WITH - THEIR - SMALL - PAYCHECKS THAN -

FOREIGN - FEMALES - AS - NEW - FINES -

$250,000 - PER - EVERY - OFFENSE

INCLUDING - MURDERS - AS - HOW

2 - PUNISH - AMERICANS - MAKE -

THEM - POOR - AS - POLICE WILL -

B - THE - ONES - DESPERATE FOR -

MONEY - THEY - STEAL - FR - $$$ -

FINES - IN - THE - FUTURE - AS -

FOREIGNERS - PROMISED - AS - WE -

BECOME - THEIR - RULERS - IN USA

[jewbeloved]

Christmas Day with the boys + Craig and Tweek🎄🎄🎄🎁🎁🎁🎁🎅🎅

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!🥳🥳🥳

If you don't celebrate it, that's alright then. But also happy Hanukkah (for the people who are Jewish)

Warnings: None, why would there be warnings on a Christmas day? 😂

Gender: Neutral

💚💙 The Main Four ❤️🧡

The second you woke up out of your bed and checked your calendar, you were excited to see that it was Christmas Day.

You ran out of your room after putting on your (favorite color Christmas) outfit. And went to the phone to call your boyfriends letting them know it's Christmas day!

"Guys! It's Christmas day!!"

"Merry Christmas (nickname), we'll be over there in a min :3"

"Merry Christmas (Name), but are you sure we should bring Kahl since he doesn't celebrate Christmas because he's Jewish?"

"Shut the Fuck up fatass!"

*muffles* (It's Christmas day, but I didn't manage to get you a present...I could only afford to get my little sister one...)

"Oh! That's alright Kenny, don't have to get me a present, we can just celebrate Christmas together. You can bring your sister along!"

You hung up the phone and knew that they would be over quickly then just a min.

You used this time wisely and planted all of their gifts under the Christmas tree, while your mom was preparing Christmas treats for you and the boys.

When everything was completely you heard a knock on your door and opened it up to see your 4 lovable boyfriends and Karen standing there with gifts in their hands with a sweet smile on their faces.

"Merry Christmas (Name)!" They all sang at the same time making you flustered.

You allowed them to come inside and went to place their presents for you under the tree. But Karen wanted to hand you your present early.

"It's a thank you gift for always being so nice to me and my big brother Kenny, it really means a lot to both of us.." You pulled Karen into a hug and she hugged back.

Bro Kenny wanted to cry at this adorable moment between you and his sister. 🥹

"Don't worry about me, I already talked to my parents and they allowed me to come over and celebrate Christmas with you ONLY even though I'm jewish"

"Hehe alright then, let's get this party started then!"

Bro, you're so damn lucky you get to spend the great holiday with the boys. They have spent Christmas a lot of times by themselves or with their family. But this time they wanna spend it all day long with you.

Gathering around the Christmas tree and singing the Holiday song like it's a ritual, but Kyle just listened to all of you singing it though. You don't mind that because it is understandable and obvious.

Eating the snacks that your mom has made, they immediately all want another! The snacks tasted so good! By the time you finished yours the other ones are already gone 🥲

And finally, opening presents. Your place is going to be kinda a mess with all of the present wrappers around the floor. But everyone cleans it up after tearing off the paper.

All of the presents the boys and Karen gave you each contained (the item that you always wanted) inside of the box, and you got them theirs and they were really grateful to you for that.

And last but not least, the sleepover and watching a Christmas movie. You put on your (favorite movie) on the TV and everyone immediately stopped what they were doing and joined you on watching the movie.

It took them a few hours to sleep because they wanted to stay up and watch it longer with you.

You obviously cuddled with the boys on your bed, because there's not a lot of room on the couch. Kenny had one arm wrapped around Karen while the other was wrapped around you in the cuddle pile.

When it was time for them to go home, you got a goodbye kiss from each and every one of them. You gave Karen a kiss on the forehead and a hug before she left as well.

Best Christmas and Hanukkah day ever❤️🧡💙💚

💙 Craig and Tweek 💛

Spending Christmas with these 2 sweethearts is clearly heaven for you😭😭🥹

You made sure everything on your schedule was cleared so you wouldn't have any plans going on at the moment, this is a special day for you and your boyfriends.

This time you went a little overboard with prepping everything for this holiday, you literally had a bouncy house in your backyard 😳

The time Craig and Tweek arrived at your house, was the time for Christmas to start. No questions.

You did notice that Tweek didn't seem to be anxious at the moment, but you didn't question him about that. He didn't want to be anxious on Christmas since it was with you.

Craig having his usual everyday expression, but you know deep down that he has a big smile on his face ready to start celebrating Christmas with you.

All 3 of you guys wore matching Christmas couple outfits for the time being.

Eating snacks. Eating snacks with them was normal as eating any other kinds of food. They didn't make a mess, they didn't ask for another, and they happily cleaned up their mess if they did.

Christmas games. Bro they didn't expect you to have games laying around, you really went overboard with prepping everything 😂😊🥹 they still enjoyed playing the games with you though, and they ABSOLUTELY loved playing inside the bouncy house! They stayed in there for like 3 hours 🤯🤯🤯

Opening presents. They got you a bunch of gifts tbh 😳 you obviously got them a bunch back in return. Opening presents this time isn't messy since you guys were opening them over a wrapper bin.

Cuddling sessions. You're literally stuck in their embrace for a longggggg time. They ain't letting you go anytime soon, you're their little/big sweet teddy bear (Depending on your height)

Sleep time. They're also staying over for the night to sleep with you until Christmas is over. Enjoy this time sleeping with them specially.😊😊🥹🥹

Same as the boys, you also get goodbye kisses and hugs from Craig and Tweek. But this time they promised to come back later.💛💛💙💙

I was listening to this music while writing this- also Merry Christmas again to everyone!!!