#we had so many plans to experience the future together

[peachputang]

fuck

[pepprs]

not to keep liveblogging the retreat but it’s over now (it has been for most of the day). i cried so much today and it was amazing. im so sad and so happy and so relieved and so tired and so proud

[yaksha-lover]

I've been thinking about the twst guys + mainly wondering who'd be most likely to get baby fever,,,

Malleus is definitely high on the list imo, as is Kalim... I think also Deuce and Rook?

Leona might not. He's already tired of dealing with Che'ka, he's probably not interested in the idea of raising a kid himself lol.

This is aged-up/set in the future where all of them are at least mid to late twenties and thinking about having children!

Most to Least Likely to Get Baby Fever:

Most Likely

Kalim had so many younger siblings growing up that he loved. That, combined with his friendly and social nature, makes me think he would love to have kids and a lot of them too. He’d be so excited to have his own family so he’d definitely get baby fever once he had a partner.

Malleus doesn’t have a lot of experience with children, but I think having a family of his own is something he would like because of his desire for closeness and a sense of domesticity, especially once he has a partner that he loves. You can’t stop this man from sweet talking you into having the next royal heir (and many more, after that).

Rook, despite what his proclivities might suggest, is very loving and dedicated to his family. He’s surprisingly domestic with his ability to cook and clean, and he loves children. He’s the most likely to have baby fever and randomly come home one day with a bunch of orphans for you to adopt.

Lilia already has Silver, of course, and I think he’d be very nostalgic for Silver’s childhood when he was still just a young baby. I imagine he’d love to relive that eventually, especially if he has a partner by his side to help him give Silver some siblings.

Jack’s wolf beastman thing about having only one partner his entire life makes me think that he’s much more domestic than he lets on. He wants the whole mate for life and have a family fantasy, and he’d definitely start to feel the baby fever once he had a partner he’s settled down with.

Deuce also has a domestic fantasy of sorts, I think he’d want to have children, but he’d also be shy about it. When he sees you playing with the neighbourhood kids, he can’t help but think about having kids together. His mom also bugs him about grandkids, so he’s encouraged by that too.

Trey is absolute househusband material, so he definitely gets baby fever once he’s settled down. I think he’d love to have kids and is pretty confident he’d be a great father, so he doesn’t feel the need to repress his desire to have a family once him and his partner have settled into their lives.

Cater wants children, probably gets baby fever from all the family vlog content he sees. You really have to sit him down and ask him if he knows all the responsibility that no one talks about. He’ll need some time to learn, but once he does he’s game on again and wanting to be a dad.

Ruggie is ambivalent because while he’s used to taking care of the kids in his town (and it comes naturally to him), he knows how insanely expensive kids can be. Once he gets a good enough job to only have to work one, I think he wouldn’t want to go back to working multiple all to have a kid. Thus, has baby fever occasionally but the cold hands of capitalism drag him back to reality.

Vil is someone I think would like to have a couple kids someday, but he’s in no rush considering his career. As he gets older and starts to see everyone else his age have a family, he would start to romanticize it more and more in his mind until he’s coming to you and asking to have a baby with his blond hair and your beautiful eyes.

Silver is relatively levelheaded, so he may get mild baby fever once he has a partner that he’s settled down with, but it’s never a huge priority in his mind. May daydream about it occasionally, but it’s a ‘see as we go’ type thing, not a decided plan.

Sebek is pretty traditional because of his upbringing, thus he does want kids with his partner eventually. At the same time, Sebek and kids don’t exactly mesh. He’d be a lot more mature at this point which would help, but his interactions with children do lessen his baby fever occasionally.

Jade is pretty relaxed about it, while he might want to have children, it’s more planned than anything. He’s aware of the responsibilities and fine with them, he just wants to wait for the right time. Also, he doesn’t care too much for other people’s children, so it will be more the situation with his partner that makes him eager to have his own family.

Floyd does get struck with moments of baby fever, but his mood swings mean it’s often just a passing thought that will dispel as soon as he remembers that kids aren’t just fun and rainbows 24/7. He finds kids fun, but can’t handle the responsibility of a lifetime commitment. Every time he starts to hint that he might want kids with you again, you just have to show him a picture of a diaper and he’ll be like ‘oh wait nvm.’

Epel is kind of in between, he doesn’t hate children but he doesn’t particularly love them either. He would want a family eventually, but doesn’t get struck with the urge to have babies particularly often, only when he’s feeling nostalgic for his own family.

Riddle is pretty self-aware about his trauma, and it scares him away from having children. He does want his own child, but he’s too afraid to become his mother. If you reassure him enough, he’ll let the domestic fantasy overtake his fear, and start to get excited about having a child in the future.

Azul is too busy working to really think about having a family. He wouldn’t mind having one or two eventually, but he doesn’t really dream about having kids when you and his work keep him busy enough.

Ace doesn’t have the patience for kids or the desire to have them. He’s happy to be the fun uncle to his brother’s kids and give them back once they need actual parenting. He might want to have one kid eventually, but he’d much rather it just be him and his partner for now.

Idia knows he can barely take care of himself, how can anyone expect him to take care of a kid? He’s happy with his little family of you and Ortho, no baby fever for Idia.

Jamil’s already had a child to take care of his whole life (Kalim) so he’s disillusioned with the fantasy of domestic bliss and having kids since he knows all its pitfalls. He won’t be getting baby fever anytime soon.

Leona explicitly doesn’t like kids, so I think his placement here is pretty self-explanatory. He’s aware just how difficult it is to raise a child and he honestly has no interest in it for now. When he’s feeling a bit sappy, I think he might fantasize about having a family from time to time, but he knows he only would enjoy the ‘good’ parts and not any of the work, so he wouldn’t want to go through with it.

Least Likely

[mythicmanuscripts]

So, what are your thoughts about Aemond and reader’s first time, considering all his past experiences with the brothel and all (I don’t know if that too vague, if it is, I’ll try to be more specific next time haha)

I love this question! Also, I don't think this is too vague but thank you for checking!! For future reference and also for everyone else, if you had just asked for something like "write Aemond and reader sleeping together" or "write Aemond x reader smut" then I'd say there's not enough to go on. Hope that makes sense!!

Anyway, NSFW sub!aemond below the cut :))

This ask is in reference to the brothel scene where Aemond admits that Aegon essentially forced him to sleep with a sex worker when he had just turned 13.

I'm sure I've babbled on about what I'm about to say before but oh well here we go again: I think that a big part of Aemond's discomfort with the sex worker wasnt just because he was being forced to lose his virginity but because of how utterly exposed he felt? We all know how closed off and composed Aemond always tries to be, and we know he has plenty of insecurities both from his missing eye and from being the second son. The concept of sex as a whole had always felt uncomfortable and far too vulnerable. To lay completely naked with another? Aemond couldnt imagine a scenario where that wouldnt feel terrifying.

And then he turns 13 and Aegon shoves him into a brothel and all his worst fears are confirmed. The sex worker's eyes shamelessly travel across his body and he has to fight the urge to wrap a blanket around himself. The lights are too harsh, he can hear other people having sex outside the room. r

When he leaves there he's convinced he'll never lay with another again. He even decides that he'd let his future wife fuck the first blond hair man they can find and call the resulting child his heir because he couldnt bring himself to be the exposed again.

But then Alicent introduces him to you and you throw a rather large wrench in his plans because you don't do any of those things that left him feeling exposed?

Even before the wedding, you're always checking his boundaries and ensuring you abide by them. If he seems uncomfortable you step away and you ask. And beyond that, you form a real, genuine bond with him that he's never had with anyone before never mind with a romantic partner.

The truth is that Aemond just really loves being around you? He doesn't even notice his walls beginning to crumble because he just feels so safe with you. For the first time he's not constantly having to prove himself.

You're shocked by how different he is to how everyone else had warned you he'd be. You don't see an ounce of the danger and dominance so many others had warned you off, hell even his own mother warned you of. But those traits have always been due to a fight for survival, due to him having to come out on top or risk being ridiculed or worse.

So when you come along and you make it so that he doesn't have to fight for love and respect and recognition? Then all that violence and anger slips away because he doesn't need it here.

You start out VERY slow.

Aemond can best be described as almost skittish when it comes to sex and intimacy. He likes it, but the moment something moves just slightly too quickly he's jumping up and going to hide in his own private chambers.

The first time you kiss him after the wedding, he very nearly starts crying because you just kiss him so gently with absolutely no indication of wanting to go any further than that. Aemond realises he could happily spend hours like that, with the two of you laying together and trading soft kisses.

He tells you about the sex worker eventually, maybe Aegon actually makes a comment about it? Like a few weeks into the marriage Aegon decides to tease Aemond and ask him if he still goes back to his first or if he's actually fucking his wife. (Aegon promptly sprints out the room immediately after saying this because the look in your eyes when you turned to look at him was absolutely terrifying)

So he opens up about the sex worker with you, and he full on sobs when you say he deserved better and that he deserved to feel safe, that sex should always feel safe.

From then, you put a lot of time and effort into ensuring that your chambers together becomes that warm, safe place aemond was missing. You only approve 3 servants who are allowed into your chambers with Aemond, and only 2 are allowed in at a time. No servants can come into the chambers unprompted either. If you want the sheets cleaned or the laundry taken to be washed, then you will call one of the 3 approved servants but servants are not allowed to do those things on their own, only when you request it.

Once that's been sorted you start getting the rooms themselves into a better state. You keep candles all over the walls, get the softest blankets and pillows you can. Maybe you also get some of his favourite books to put up? It's a slow, gradual change but Aemond notices every single change and every time his breath it taken away at how perfect you are. He never even had to explain how vulnerable he was the first time, you just knew and you knew how to make him feel comfortable.

The actual sex takes longer of course, and there's plenty of oral and makeup sessions before he's ready for more, but when you do get to the main event he can't believe how good he feels?

The way you praise him and check in on him brings tears to his eyes, and when you gently wrap a blanket around his shoulders while you stroke him he really does cry. Just that simple gesture of putting the blanket over him makes him feel so much less exposed.

Sex is always a calm, quiet affair with Aemond. Make no mistake, you certainly get edge him and overstimulate him and all that fun stuff, but that's never with standard sex. If you're doing those other things then you're either pegging him or using your hands/mouth. The actual act of sex, that is always gentle. It's the gentleness that really breaks him.

(One quick sidenote to end off: cockwarming, how the flying fuck have we never discussed it? I'm now now picturing a scene where it's the first time you go the whole nine yards, but then from the moment Aemond slowly enters you, he just stays still? At first you think he's trying to get used to the feeling but when even more time has passed and he still hasn't moved, you ask him that's going on and that's when he kinda just collapses into your, his cock still inside and mumbles about how nice this feels. So needless to say, actual sex was not achieved that day)

[a-simple-imagine]

Nothing But Cowards

Requested by anonymous: “I was wondering if you could just write about, having a fight and then make up, fluff and angst? If not that’s totally fine”

“I'd like to request a Jordan Li x fem reader where they're dating in secret from the friend group because of everything going down but one morning they oversleep and one of their friends find them curled up in bed together and it's followed by giggles and fluff?”

Pairing: Jordan Li x fem!reader

words: 3.7k+

WARNINGS - mentions of weird hospitals and tortured kids, strong language

GodU had always been your parents' dream. they held such high and heavy hopes for you. their perfect little superhero. a future member of the seven. when you were younger, you hated the idea. you felt... exploited. they forced this life onto you. gave you compound V and for what? so you could become some clog in a corporate machine? help sell merchandise for Vought? but as you got older and realised that you were kinda stuck with your powers, you felt more obligated to follow through with their dream. to actually be a hero. so you applied for Godolkin University. got in. and became a crime-fighting major. that is how you met Jordan Li. They were much stronger than you would ever be. both physically and mentally. the ability to shift between two forms gave them two separate skill sets all wrapped up in one identity. and they were so confident in their identity. not always a boy. not always a girl. just so confidently themselves. and you admired them so much. They were truly the strongest person you knew or at least you thought so.

it was a weird moment shrouded in the darkness of night. you were shaking a little from rage or the cold, you couldn't quite tell. everything was so incredibly fucked. Marie's roommate had gone missing because of some stupid plan of Andre's imagining. you just found out that there was some weird hospital under the school that was experimenting on people; including Sam, Luke's brother who was apparently still alive and in fact did not commit suicide. not to mention Luke was still gone. he used to give some great advice. used to kick your ass in sparring sessions but would occasionally let you win just to keep you on your toes. he was your friend. and you missed him a lot. you could never understand what happened; or why it happened. All these mysteries were piling up like old comic books. so many chapters to one confusing story that if you missed a single issue it became almost impossible to follow. this was impossible to follow. everyone was arguing. people were taking sides. Marie wanted to find Emma, who had infiltrated the woods, to help Andre who was trying to save the kids trapped down there. Jordan was more pissed about rankings than tortured kids. Cate wanted everyone to just back up and not do anything reckless. you wanted to yell at them. you knew rankings were important to Jordan. they wanted to be the best. at least Cate was worried about not dying. your parents' words hang heavy on your shoulders. this was your chance to do some good. to live up to their dreams without becoming just another vought puppet.

"don't you want to be a hero?" your voice is loud. louder than expected. the question was mainly aimed at Jordan. the person who went toe to toe with Golden Boy just to protect Marie; someone they hardly even knew at that point. that was after the club. you wish you could say you don't think about that night. everyone else seemed to just move on but it haunts your dreams. it's a cloudy memory of white powder and thick red liquid. "we almost killed someone."

there is a brief flash of something. Regret, maybe? before the expression turns dark and defensive. "we didn't do shit." and that was partly the problem. you didn't hold the weapon but you still ran. you left a woman to bleed out because you were too high. even sober, you wouldn't have been able to do much but you could have done something. anything. Nobody likes to talk about that day. the same way nobody talks about what went down with Luke. or how, if they had their way, nobody would talk about this weird hospital. If Cate and Jordan got their way, you'd just go back to school where all that mattered was who held that number one spot. currently andre. not Jordan.

"Exactly which is worse, if it wasn't for Marie we would have all been royally fucked." you articulate. irritation bubbling deep in your chest. "we can do some good here- we can help people."

"you're just gonna get yourself killed"

"at least I'm not running away again," you say. Jordan can make all the scooby doo references she wants but you wouldn't entertain the thought of leaving this down to Marie once again. "you wanna know why Andre is number one instead of you?"

"politics."

"because he is the only one person here who is trying to do something." You growl. "you're just a selfish asshole." if all they cared about was their ranking then you had to explain it in terms they'd understand. Their jaw tenses.

"Okay so what does that make you?" they spit. a particular venom dripping from their tone. "I've helped people- actually saved people. can you say the same?" they ask. "you're basically scared of your own shadow."

"Jordan don't."

"no," they interrupt Cate before she can continue. "I may be selfish for not wanting to go on some stupid suicide mission but when you realise what's really at stake here, don't come crying to me." Jordan's words hang heavy in the air, how do you even reply to that? your mouth opens but nothing comes out so you just walk away. Leaving your friends to continue arguing. 

a bitter flavour lingers in your mouth. a painful feeling concealed deep inside your chest. you can't control how others perceive you but is that really how Jordan sees you? some coward who ran to them whenever things got tough? maybe they were right. you were no hero. you may have superpowers. you may spend hours studying techniques and training in the gym but that's just school. it didn't mean anything. You had never saved the day. you had never actually done anything. you haven't spoken to Jordan. Not since that night. they had texted a few times but you haven't even opened them. you don't want anything to do with them right now but you'd be lying if you said you didn't miss them. you missed them a lot. nobody knew about your situation with Jordan. you had both decided to keep it on the down low while you figured stuff out. and with everything going on, it had just never been the right time.

a knock at the door. you don't bother getting out of the bed you had been rotting in for hours; staring up at the ceiling as the sun went down and darkness enveloped the room. another knock. you bury yourself deeper in your duvet but the knocking doesn't stop. it just gets louder. a loud groan as you roll out of bed. your roommate was always forgetting their key but when the door opens, your stomach sinks. it wasn't your roommate. you instantly close the door.

"Seriously,"

"fuck off," you yell back. they knock again. yanking open the door, you spy Jordan Li once again. femme. sweaty. gym gear. duffel bag hanging off their shoulder. "fuck off," you push on the door again but they slap their hand against it.

"Just give me a chance," they probably just wanted to yell at you some more and you weren't in the mood. you shove harder. "I could stand here all night." your brow creases. Jordan probably would too. they're very persistent. with a heavy sigh, you relinquish pressure on the door and it swings open as they let themselves in.

"what do you want?" your eyes follow her as she drops the gym bag down and begins wandering around your room. they had been here before. They knew what it looked like. their hand slides over the wood of your desk. they pick up the open book, presumably glancing over the content before dropping it back down. "Jordan."

"hm," they look at you almost perplexed. like they had been lost in their own little world.

"what do you want?" you request more firmly. they just stared back like it was a crazy thing to be asking. they drop back to lean against your desk. you're waiting for them to say something. anything. but their gaze just falls to the floor. you sigh softly, still loitering by the door. you would leave if this wasn't your room. "why are you here, Jordan?"

"I wanted to see you," their shoulders rise and fall. "everything is so fucked up. a hospital under the school like what the fuck?"

a secret hospital under the school was very messed up. you can't even imagine the things they get up to down there. also, Luke's brother was down there. that's why Emma went down in the first place before she disappeared. "yeah," you nod a little. "I guess."

"And Luke's brother being alive this whole time?" you wonder where this is going. you knew all this. you were there when everyone was arguing. your brow furrows a little.

"Can you get to the point?"

"well it's a little fucked isn't it?"

"You're being weird," you state. monitoring them carefully. they still wouldn't look at you but they did push up from the desk and towards the mini fridge.

"you got anything to drink?" they question, pulling it open.

"Jordan. leave."

"What?" they ask, still looking in your mostly empty little fridge.

"I said leave," you declare firmly. "I would like you to leave."

"why?"

"you know why." they sighed loudly, thrusting the fridge closed with a loud slap. "you don't get to just pretend nothing happened."

"I don't know why you're angry, you're the one who called me selfish." Jordan insists. "Said Andre was better than me."

"You are selfish. All you care about is your stupid ranking."

"It's not stupid," Jordan fires back. "It is important if I wanna get somewhere,"

"Who fucking cares," you groan "Like I get it, you wanna be a hero but this is way bigger than all that."

"And what are you gonna do exactly?" there's a bite behind her words. She's getting defensive. "Whats your plan to save the day Superman?"

"I don't..." you snap before trailing off to a much quieter tone. "know exactly,”

"It's a death wish,"

"We have to do something.”

“no, we don’t.” Jordan replies. “we don’t have to do anything. This is way above our pay grade.”

“of course, you’d say that,” you groan loudly. “can you leave now.”

"I-" They seem like they're about to bite back but they stop short. a tense jaw. they let it go. "I miss you, okay."

"I don't care," you did care. "leave." you yank open the door. For a beat, they seem taken aback but it rapidly fades. "now."

"just hear me out."

"no Jordan," you huff. "just go. I'm not arguing with you anymore."

they watch you for a second. "I don't want to argue" they clarify. "please?” there’s an unusual desperation in their voice. one you’ve never heard before. it builds a degree of sympathy amongst your anger. you let the door fall closed with a click.

“fine," you cross your arms over your chest "What do you want?"

"you were right," she declares softly. the statement alone takes you by surprise. Jordan? admitting she was wrong? you'd comically gasp if you weren't annoyed with them.

"I don't understand."

"I said you were right."

"No, I heard you," you explain. "look, Jordan-"

"I'm sorry, okay?" they reply sharply "I'm sorry."

"Sorry for what?"

"why are you making this so difficult?" Jordan asks. "I've apologised so can we just watch a movie or something?" you raise a curious brow. Surely they weren't naive enough to believe you would simply forgive them just like that? There was more to this story that they were avoiding.

"you can't be fucking serious," a humourless laugh. "you don't even really mean it."

"I do though."

"no you don't," you sigh. walking towards them. "look at me and apologise- apologise properly."

"Ugh, I already apologised," they groan loudly, pairing it with a roll of their eyes. It just annoys you even more. "why can't you just forgive me?"

"Because you don't even know why you're apologising," you stress. "it's half-baked. you don't mean it. and I'm tired so-”

"I'm fucking scared" they blurt out. "I'm scared."

A look of surprise; shock. Their very loud confession caught you off guard. Jordan Li wasn't scared of anything. They’d made that bold claim a great many times. "of what?"

"of losing you," they yell back; their hands come up to run slowly over their face. Their hair becomes shorter. They physically grow taller. Shielded by his fingertips, it's pretty apparent that he shouldn't have said that or at least hadn't meant to. You don't know what to say; your head tilts slightly to one side. how do you respond to that? it still wasn't technically an apology. "for fuck sake."

"of losing me?" you recite slowly. "why would you lose me?"

"Because you're an idiot," they urge. "who wants to help people."

"dude."

"Sorry but like it's true. you're a fucking idiot," they repeat. "and I admire that."

"I'm... confused," you mumble softly.

"I admire how much you wanna help people despite knowing it’s stupid and you're probably gonna die" You can't tell if Jordan is just oblivious to what he was saying but it was far from getting him back in your good graces. "I wish I could be like that. naive enough to think I can make a difference."

"I feel like you're just insulting me," you comment.

they shrug a little. "I know this is still kinda new, the whole me and you thing but…” you can tell this is hard for them. expressing their feelings was not their strong suit. Their head hangs low. “it doesn’t matter,” they walk towards you but instead veer off towards their bag. you reach out for them; taking their hand. they were running hot, a sweaty hand.

“you can tell me,” you express, a gentle squeeze. “we’ve been friends for ages…”

“you’re just gonna call me selfish again.” their voice a whisper but they make no effort to pull away. You step closer.

“then you’ve got nothing to lose, right?” it’s a joke. a harmless one but they don’t laugh or even acknowledge it.

“I… I just don’t want you dying before we get a chance to really explore whatever this,” they use their free hand to motion between you. “is. so yeah, I lashed out because I like you or whatever and want you alive. sorry.” you watch them for a moment. their inability to meet your gaze. the light dusting of pink that graced their cheeks. it was really sweet if not a little unexpected. Jordan was so cool most of the time. it was a rarity to see them express such emotions. it makes you smile. you just laugh a little in amusement.

"Jordan," you say warmly. "you're not gonna lose me," you step even closer, reaching for their other hand; running your thumb over their knuckles. "I understand what you're saying but I don't think it's reason enough not to help,"

"I know," the express softly, finally meeting your gaze. there is something unspoken behind those eyes but you choose not to push. “I wish it was.”

you keep your eyes on there’s taking in this tender moment. a moment of vulnerability. a moment of connection. you relish in the way their hands fit so comfortably in yours. you really liked Jordan. liked their attitude. admired their strength. wished for their sense of loyalty. you were so smitten. so lucky to be their chosen person. a smile settles before you slowly lean in. It catches them off guard but they soon settle into it. “I’m scared too,” whispered against their lips. "but I think the bravest thing we can do is try anyway.“ his eyes flutter closed, letting his forehead fall against yours.

"I didn't mean it when I called you a coward," Jordan whispers, his eyes open. Lingering on yours. “You’re the bravest person I know.”

"I am a coward," you express. "I've always wanted to be a hero. it's all my parents want. but I'm scared. terrified. I never could have fought Luke like you did. but I wanna try now. I want you to try too," you ghost their lips. It's subtle; intimate. "if you really wanna protect me, Jordan, you'd help because I'm doing this with or without you."

"do I have to decide right now?" they ask quietly. You're almost disappointed by their reply but you can't really blame them. This wasn't another student hero gone rogue. This was a whole institution willing to do anything to keep its secrets. "do you forgive me?"

"do you forgive me?"

"I was never mad at you,"

"I was mad at you." you declare.

"I know," they nod. "you weren't exactly subtle about it." their expression becomes playful and bright; a strong contrast from the conversation you were just having. You can't help but smile as you pull back.

"do you wanna stay over tonight?" there's a shift in the air. all that tension fading away. you're not mad. you're not thrilled either. but you liked Jordan. a lot. and you could understand their desire to protect you. In a way, it was very sweet. You didn't realise how much they liked you. "we could watch that movie? or Property Brothers? whatever you want."

"Whatever I want, huh?" their hands vacate yours and instead move to your hips. Pulling you close. ever so close. pressing their body ever so slightly into yours "Anything at all?" masc! Jordan was taller than their male counterpart but far less intimidating. firmer. gentler. it’s a rather present contrast.

"you're such a perv,"

"you don't even know what I was gonna say," they insist.

"Anyone with half a brain could figure it out," you tease. their hands slip around to the small of your back pulling you flush against them. playing into your words. "but what Jordan wants. Jordan gets." whispered in their ear, you place a gentle kiss upon their cheek. "right?"

you can feel them practically shudder against you. A heavy sigh left their lips. "oh she wants to play tonight?" all signs of sincerity washed away by something darker. desire. you meet their eyes, lips quirk up into a smirk before they lean in once more. it’s ever so light but you’re quick to deepen the kiss; chasing that warmth that spills through your veins but they pull away instead. mischief laces their expression. their fingers sliding under the hem of your shirt. they pull back just enough to murmur, “I’m gonna make you beg for it,” their words hot against your ear. A shiver spills down your spine as you lean into them; wanting to be closer. As close as possible as they guide you back towards your bed.

it's safe to say you're smitten with the infamous Jordan Li. and when it comes down to it you're delighted when you're together. they bring out a more mischievous side of you. and you like to think you bring out a more vulnerable side of them. You shuffle further into their embrace. Basking in the feeling of their arms around you as you hide from the rising sun peeking through the blinds. A content hum as you drift in and out of consciousness. Still so early. You feel them lean more into you.

"what the fuck," a voice drags you to the land of the living. And as your tired eyes flutter open, your friends stare back. Both you and Jordan shoot up, instantly breaking any contact. Pulling the covers up to hide the fact you were both very naked. Marie stands at the end of your bed; wide eyes and a slightly agape mouth. Cate and Andre are just by the door. how the fuck did they even get in? "we should- sorry," you watch Marie scramble for the door shoving Andre out just as Cate yanks him.

you both fall back down in unison. If anyone had seen it would almost seem planned. After a moment, you roll back into them. giggling into the crook of their neck. after a moment you nip the skin. "guess we're not a secret anymore," muttered against their skin.

"This isn't funny."

"it kinda is," you shrug "Quite the shock for those three." A giggle before you sink your teeth into her neck earning yourself a satisfied sigh but they're quick to push you away. A stern look on their face

"you agreed it was best we didn't tell everyone until all this craziness was over."

"yeah but don't you feel just a little relieved," you ask. You can practically see the gears turning in their head. It's... Cute. You move so that you're now straddling them, hands drifting delicately over their chest. Their skin is so warm; and soft. Their short bob is a mess against your pillow. they looked so peaceful. so beautiful. A strip of yellow sunlight reflected off their chain. "I'm glad everyone knows now. plus," you smile mischievously. "now I can kiss you whenever I want. " You lean down slowly and place your lips against hers. "and that's all I want," mumbled against their lip.

"I guess it is one less thing to worry about," they muse, bringing their hands up to rest against your hips. her fingers apply just a little bit of pressure. you peck their lips once more before pulling away. a gentle tap on their nose, their face scrunches up.

"you shift in your sleep sometimes did you know that?"

"What?"

"you were definitely a guy when we fell asleep and then suddenly I'm snuggling up to a girl? is it like a conscious choice or?" they hesitate for a moment before playfully shoving you off them.

"shut up,"

"ow!!" you groan dramatically, falling down against the bed. "ow. that hurt so much. I'm in so much pain. how could you be so mean," you groan loudly, shuffling about a little for dramatic effect.

"you’re so dramatic,” Jordan rolls their eyes but a mischievous grin spreads over their lips. “now get up we’re gonna be late.”

“for what?”

“class.” they sit up. a hand coming to settle on your stomach. you don’t move. and neither do they. and in those few seconds, everything feels at peace. “you really are beautiful,” they eventually say before finally getting out of bed.

[wenellyb]

How I feel about Buddie...

You guys have been warned, this is a long post.

I've always liked 911 and was a casual viewer but never got involved in the fandom or anything. Of course I knew about Buddie, but I personally never saw it. Buck and Eddie have always acted like best friends and do stuff best friends do. I have never seen any scene that could be interpreted as romantic, except maybe for the "you want to go for the title" scene. But to me it wasn't enough to ship them, especially since it was the only scenes in their hundreds of scenes together that could be seen as romantic.

That being said, I've always thought the ship was cute, and I understand it because who doesn't like a good friends to lovers storyline?

I just never got involved in the fandom because their behavior reminded me of the Stucky and Destiel fandom, which were chaotic experiences for me. Some people just don't know how to handle non canon ships and act entitled, complain to the showrunners and harrass the cast. I've always tried to avoid fandoms like that, but wasn't against the idea of Buddie as a ship.

The 911 Lone Star crossover episode for me was the confirmation that Buck was into men. To me, it was obvious they confirmed he was into men but hadn't set up a storyline yet. So naturally I thought... if they set up a storyline it will be with Eddie. There was no doubt it my mind.

So fast forward, a few years, I wasn't really watching season 7 and then I see all the fuss from Buddie shippers I follow, and it makes me watch the sneak peek video from 7x04 and I'm like....For sure Buck is being jealous right? (it was the scene where Eddie interrupted Tommy giving Buck a tour)

So I decided to watch the episode convinced this was going to be the episode where they confirmed Buddie, but I was also very cautious because Buddie shippers had cried wolf too many times before.

So I was careful, but I was also convinced that this was it: "Buck was going to get jealous of Eddie hanging out with Tommy and then confess his feelings or the other way around".

And that's actually what was happening until the end of the episode, we saw Buck get jealous, and most of us assumed he was being jealous about Eddie.

We didn't figure out until the end of the episode that it was all about Tommy.

And that's the beauty of that episode because you think you're watching something when in fact you're watching something else and when you rewatch some scenes you understand it, and that plot twist was written so beautifully.

So we have Buck and Tommy have a heart to heart in Buck's kitchen and they kiss. And what a kiss... the kiss itself was Nice but the look Buck gave Tommy after the kiss was breathtaking.

From that moment on, I was rooting for them.

But I still had Buddie at the back of my mind because I was thinking, what if this is all temporary and they're planning to break them up to set up a buddie storyline? So I shipped it but didn't want to get my hopes up.

This feeling got bigger when I started watching 7x05 and I saw the way their first date ended. I thought... this is it, we might not see Tommy again, what a shame. But then Buck talked to Maddie about his date and confessed it was with Tommy. And Maddie asked: "so tell me about the hot pilot", and I thought this isn't how they'd talk about a character we never see again. But I didn't know for sure.

Maybe they were setting up a Buck x Eddie storyline....

I changed my mind when I saw Buck's coming out scene to Eddie, the scene was beautiful and at that point I still was thinking Buddie was a possibility. But one line made me think that Buddie wasn't happening: "I can't stop thinking about him".

No writer would put a line like that and have Oliver say it like that with that look, if they were thinking Buck and Eddie would have a romantic scene in the future. And if you do write that, you would get a jealous reaction from the other character, not a "You should call Tommy".

And then I was conforted in my feelings when the writers doubled down and had Buck invite Tommy to Maddie's wedding. Buck could have just apologized and asked Tommy on antoher date, but no, he invited him to his sister's wedding.

There has been absolutely no hint of a romantic relationship between Buck and Eddie throughout the season. There has never been a sign of jealousy from Buck or Eddie's side when they were dating Tommy, Marisol. If they had been setting up that storyline, the writers would put some hints here and there. Instead, they shared meaningful scenes like best friends do.

I never had anything againdt Buddie as a ship, I was even open to it, but all the times I thought Buddie was going to happen, it was because of the fandom, not because of something I saw in the saw...To me Buddie is and will stay a fanon ship.

TL:DR: I don't hate the ship, I find it cute but the behavior of some shippers has made me want to stay away from the fandom. And when I thought Buddie might be happening, the writers showed us they had long term plans for Bucktommy.

[bridgetoesoteria]

💞 🦢Your Dream Honeymoon... + how will your connection evolve

Today the cards will be your travel agent. 2 tickets for the lovely newlyweds to their dream destination...

Take a deep breath and choose a pile (left to right).

PILE 1

Off the bat:

So I am immediately getting a trippy feeling. You could be under the influence. For some of you this would be something you and your person have in common. For others, it'll be more of a "when in Rome" kinda thing. It feels surreal in some way. For some, you might have eloped and you are trying to process the decisions you've just made. You could try a lot of "exotic" foods.

4-card spread: Queen of Pentacles, 2 of Swords (R), 6 of Swords, 9 of Wands (R). BOTD: 6 of Wands.

It will definitely be somewhere that you would have to fly to. Some of you will have to get over a fear of heights or flying for this. Where ever you and your spouse have chosen won't be near a lot of water. It could be a landlocked country or somewhere in dryer climate. Like a country with deserts. That's interesting that imagery is coming up because you also chose the picture of Dubai.

In this deck, there are soo many cards with water but all I pulled were cards with desert like images. The one card with a large lake came out reversed. I think you will love the weather. Maybe you enjoy warmer climates or this could even be "home" for some of you. I think you will be very well-prepared for this honeymoon. Money will be right, activities will be planned...I think this is a place you have done plenty of research on. I am getting the message again that this could be "home" in some way. So you could have ancestral ties to the area and it will be very grounding. You and your partner will feel deeply connected to the land and may even consider relocating there permanently. Some of you can afford this because you are in the medical field (with a very nice salary).

I think it will be quite a bougie experience tbh. I see you being waited on, hand and foot. Literally! I am seeing back rubs, possibly meditation or some nontraditional, holistic care. You could be going to the spa, going for walks/hikes, receiving acupressure or massages, and maybe laying on hot rocks?? You could ride horses or get into some kind of vehicle that is connected to an animal. Your spouse will probably be someone that is quite busy and usually super serious. But they will set that aside for you. They really want to be in the moment and start the marriage off right by showing you, "I will prioritize us, when we are together." They probably have already sent out a company wide email letting everyone know they do not want to be bothered from X day to X day. Even if the place is on fire...figure it out!

Oooh so you will definitely feel cared for and safe with your person. If you usually feel like everything is all on you, you will see that your person wants to lighten the load. That is why you will be able to relax and enjoy these different treatments. I also see that your person would have little surprises planned. Like you think you're just going out for dinner, then a guy with a camel shows up on some Princess Jasmine type shit. And you're all shocked but of course your person knew. Then your fairytale ride takes you to either a beach or a restaurant. It will be somewhere empty because your person made sure it was that way, even if they had to shut down the restaurant for the night. There will live music but probably more instrumental than singing. And of course, there will also be delicious food 😋

Your Connection:

So I was already kind of getting an idea of how the honeymoon would change you as a person (i.e. less tense, more secure). But how will it change your connection?.... You will definitely feel like you are being brought closer together. There may be tension for some reason at the start of the honeymoon. I feel like it will mostly be you. Maybe thinking too much of the past and worrying about the future. But you both will acknowledge your struggles, your strengths, and what you hope is yet to come.

Specifically, some of you may come up with a business idea while on your honeymoon or may decide to view property. You will both learn how to be patient with one another, when to swallow your pride and realize if this is who you want to spend the rest of your life with, that's a long time to be arguing and doing the "tit for tat" thing. So your relationship dynamic will mature quite a bit. You could be one of those couples that everyone sees as OTP. This could inspire jealousy because you both stand out. You may have had rough times, I think mostly due to your busy schedules, but you always know that you want to be with each other.

You will both be healing your self-worth problems. You will become comfortable with standing out. Your person will stop defining themselves by their financial success. I think you will be surrender to the experience and just allow yourselves to be raw. I am getting that trippy feeling again. Like a really deep, amazing indie movie, that changes your views on life afterward. If you or your partner are usually more skeptical, I think you will tap into your spiritual side. Your partner could join you for nature walks, stargazing, meditation, or yoga. Lastly, you may put on some kind of special show or choreographed event for your partner. You will grow in confidence by the end of this trip.

PILE 2

Off the bat:

I'm getting a hustle and bustle kinda vibe. So maybe your honeymoon will be somewhere busy. Some of you may visit a major city or even a quaint town that has a busy market or town life. There could be a lot of exploring and buying cool trinkets to remember your trip. You could be more of a lowkey couple, because this feels like you are both on a normal trip. You aren't overdoing the "romantic honeymoon" thing. Its like you are going on a trip you otherwise would have, but you are doing it together, as a married couple now. That is enough to make it special. Perhaps you come from a small or quiet town so its nice to explore something different. I am seeing a younger couple

4-card spread: The Empress, 9 of Pentacles, 2 of Cups, King of Swords (R). BOTD: The Wheel of Fortune.

I see you both doing lots of touristy stuff. I think you will love it. The vibe is kind of like, you came from a different country and always heard about the place you want to go to. For example: You are outside the US, but finally getting the chance to visit NYC. You want to see historic landmarks, go to amusement parks, and stay at a well-known hotel. Some of you are going back to where you first met!

This is weird but y'all might participate in a protest. You either knew this was going to happen or kind of get caught up in one when you go out. But I think you will take all of it in and enjoy how authentic the experience feels. If you or your partner have kids, you will enjoy the time away. You will see a more relaxed side of your partner. They will be much more social. Its possible you could meet up with friends or family. You will be talking about the future a lot. Probably start being more concrete about when you would like kids and how many.

This is weird and very specific. (I meant for this to be a hypothetical, fun reading). Some of you could be going on this honeymoon, before your wedding. So maybe after the wedding one of you will have to go for an extended period of time. For others, this could be a babymoon. So you could be going on a little couples get away before you are busy with a newborn. Finally, some of you will find out you are pregnant while on your honeymoon and this will be really shocking to your partner, but I think you will both be excited.

You will spend a lot of time together. Going out for drinks, grabbing coffee, flirting, and having private conversations. Even when you are in a busy room, it will feel like you are alone. Your eyes will be locked on one another. You may be writers, or creatives in some way, you will have plenty of inspiration and will probably take time to "work." But it won't feel like work. You could both find a nice coffee shop and sit next to each other writing. I think you will still find chances to sneak away and enjoy your own company. You want to bask in the new emotions and excitement of marriage.

Your Connection:

You will probably experience a bunch of synchronicities that give you important messages or show that your ancestors/spirit team support your connection. You will feel like best friends, but also deeply in love. You will both be much more comfortable with each other afterwards. You will be a dream team. I'm not sure if either of you would verbalize this, but you will be extremely aware of how healthy this connection is. So, maybe you haven't had the best experiences. You will communicate in a healthy way, you will express your love to each other, and will always put a smile on each other's face. Arguments will probably be few and far between, because you will mostly be a harmonious couple. You will have great communication.

I think you specifically will receive a lot of downloads while on your honeymoon. You will both have positive, growth mindsets. Maybe this honeymoon will end up giving birth to something much larger.

PILE 3

Off the bat:

This pile feels "broodier" than others. Maybe you and your spouse are kind of goth or alternative. Or you could like darker things. You may be the type to go choose a historic destination for your honeymoon and tour ruins, old castles, or places the locals claim are haunted 👻

You could choose to visit a sleepy town. Somewhere that might be cloudy and rainy. Or, this could just be the time of year you are visiting. So this could be a fall honeymoon. Omg that's kind of a vibe tbh! Pretty fall leaves, ghost stories, cozy vibes with your boo 🤗

4-card spread: The Lovers, 5 of Wands, 3 of Wands (R), Ace of Cups. BOTD: 10 of Pentacles

I think you will probably choose somewhere nontraditional for your honeymoon. People will definitely have something to say about it. But I am going to ignore that energy because its not like its their honeymoon. In some way, you will be facing your fears. I think it may be through standing up to your family.

You will probably choose somewhere private, with a lot of nature. I see you visiting gardens and orchards. Some of you may pick apples or something while you are on this trip. You will probably face your fears of intimacy as well. Your partner will be all over you. Some maybe the privacy energy is because you will rarely leave your accommodations. You'll spend a lot of time in your rented property or the "do not disturb" sign will always be on your door lol. This could be your first time or it could be the first time you are with someone you truly feel safe with and connect to.

I don't know why but I am getting a sulky energy from you. So you may be upset with your spouse or feel shy around them. Not sure if this is an arranged marriage? I guess its also possible that being married and totally alone is making you feel shy. You may want to chill and read but your partner will pull you out of your comfort zone They will make you try new things, new foods, visit new places, even do something that feels silly and childish. Like maybe you are passing a carnival and they buy tickets because they want you to get on the carousel. They would probably win you a lot of stuff at the booths too lol. You could have had a tough past and this person just wants to see you happy. They want this honeymoon to be everything you have dreamed of and more. They could be trying to take your mind off of whatever could be bothering you.

You will eventually see that your partner is on your side, and that you feel so defensive because you are too used to supressing your happiness.

Your Connection:

One of you will definitely be leaving the past behind. Whoever is the one that is protective mode. I think it is you, but it could be the other person too. Your person will feel overwhelmed at the start of the honeymoon. They are happy with you but they want to know how to support you better. Their thought process is "this is our fresh start." I think you will grow more and more open to this. It will be scary but it will be much easier to do because you know you have someone solid in your corner. This honeymoon could finally convince you to go to therapy or confront some longstanding issue that you have never felt strong enough to face. This honeymoon could lead to a larger journey of self-discovery and accountability for both you and your person. I think you will learn how to be there for one another with it being codependent or enabling.

I really wanted to get this reading out to y'all. I know I promised a double post, so there will be another after this 😊🤞

I am also going to be doing personals so check out that post too 😘

I hope it resonated.

~ K

[jimin-bangtan]

HOW DID I FIRST NOTICE "JIKOOK"?🤔

Jimin & Jung Kook

On my Tumblr profile, I have stated that I am an OT7-loving, Jimin-biased, JiKook-observing fan. People familiar with KPop know that many fans commonly use a standard naming convention, where they combine parts of 2 or more names in order to identify the people being discussed. The term JiKook stands for Jimin (JM) and Jung Kook's (JK) pairing. I had not planned to post on this topic, but the surprise filming of, and the coming release of, the "Are You Sure?" travel series, starring Jimin & Jung Kook, inspired my decision.

Regardless of the unusual fandom arguments about Jimin and Jung Kook's interactions, there are a few descriptions about them that cannot be denied. For example, they are both from Busan. They both debuted in the same KPop band (BTS). They are the only 2 members who are in both the vocal and dance lines. They are friends, and they are close. I will not give attention to any denial of those descriptors whatsoever. I am convinced that the amount of footage & information provided by the members and the company settles any disagreements about items like those, without question. Any other label, name, or category you put on their relationship is up to personal interpretation until or unless they ever decide to directly define it for themselves. I have my own interpretation based on what I have gathered, but it is up to each person to determine their own view in light of the lack of confirmation.  And we all don't have to agree - or argue about it.

Are there other close relationships within BTS? Of course.  But something drew my attention toward this pair specifically. In spite of the introduction above, the purpose of this post came about when one day I realized I had never identified for myself what initially caused me to see, then become intrigued by, JiKook’s bond in particular. So I thought back and tried to remember the moment that captured my attention enough to watch them more closely. After thinking for a bit, I realized it happened during one of the first nonperformance events I ever saw. 

I have explained in My BTS Experience posts that my sister introduced me to BTS but through performances mostly.  We watched many performances for a good length of time whenever we were together, but I didn’t venture out to view them on my own at that time.   At this point of observation, Jimin was already the member I leaned toward and tended to observe more often than the others. However, I really liked all of them and felt the group was interesting and exceptionally talented.

One day my sister unusually pulled up a BTS nonperformance event that had just occurred. It was the Festa 2022 dinner or what I like to call the Shock & Awe Dinner. I had never seen a Festa, so my sister explained that it was an annual event that occurred every June at the time of their anniversary in order to celebrate & reflect on the past, present, and future. By this point, I knew each of the guys' names and ages as well as a little of their stories and roles within the group. My sister had only told me they were a very close group, and they were all good friends. From what I had seen up to that point in performances, that bore out to be true.  

On this day the guys were eating while in conversation.  True to form, they reminisced about the past, considered the present, but most significantly revealed the future. As it turned out, they were headed into a hiatus due to having to (choosing to?) enlist in the military for their mandatory service - except the audience didn’t know that reason yet and were stunned by the revelation of a hiatus.

The “Shock & Awe” came from the surprise announcement as well as the emotional tone of the event. While they ate, they explained that they would be taking a break to explore solo projects and life itself but also promised to come back together with gained experience and knowledge [See my BTS Solo Chapter series posts]. In addition to the shared information, there was an undercurrent of emotions, as if there were many unspoken sentiments. The members cried and made somewhat cryptic comments. It was very emotional and genuine. It drew me in, and I was now rather curious about the group - beyond their performances - and about what was going on.

So when did I notice JiKook? Well, during the dinner (Link set to 5:00 mark), as the group was still eating and talking about their current activities that had yet to be announced or released, Suga brought up Jimin working on his solo album. Suga said he had heard one of JMs songs. JHope (real name Hoseok) mentioned he also had heard his song. [Strangely, neither of them said it was good or they liked it. Note: JMs album ended up being a huge success. Re: Jimin bias 😉]  While JM quickly clarified it was not the same song, JK - the youngest of the group - abruptly asked JM why he hadn’t played the songs for him yet. JM responded in playful defense that he could play his songs for everyone. JK stated, “I’m so upset!” in sort of a loud sing-song tone. RM added fuel to the fire and declared that JHope was always number 1 to JM. You could tell RM was trying to get JKs goat [tease him]. But why? JM put his hand to his head and leaned back briefly as if in a moment of anguish with a smile and a shake of his head “no”. JHope even shook his head no and waved off RMs comment to assure that statement was untrue. It is well known that JHope and Jimin, the long-term roommates, are very close. Their unproblematic rooming situation was even mentioned during that meal. RM continued, “We’re all 2nd to JHope.” JK again shouted, “I’m so upset!”  JM explained aloud that JHope happened to be at the office and that was why he had heard the song. JK exclaimed, “So upset!” {By now my brow was wrinkled in amusement.} Strangely, JK was smiling a little and even gave a little chuckle. JM explained he had invited everyone to come see him work. Jk again, “So upset!” 🤭 He still wore a small smile. Suga offered an explanation that JM gets embarrassed when showing his work. JK then stated that JM should apologize “Go on! Say you’re sorry.” which JM immediately did with a chuckle but somewhat serious! Overall, I was like, “What?” 😳 And this was within the first 10 minutes of the meal!  

Pictures from moments in Festa 2022 dinner (Click & expand to read dialogue.)

That seemed like an odd exchange based on how those few members had interacted. I wondered why the youngest was so “upset” about not hearing the songs when others had not mentioned they had or had not heard them either. I also wondered why the youngest felt he was obliged to have heard JMs songs and why he was demanding an apology from his elder and moreover why this elder accepted the demand and actually immediately apologized to the younger. What obligation did these 2 have toward each other? There also seemed to be an unexplained, playful reason for the exchange.  Was it scolding or teasing or both? But also from a younger member toward an older person in hierarchical (age conscious) South Korea? This definitely rang a bell for me. 🤔

Another less conspicuous, JiKook-specific event happened soon after (set to 16:50 mark).  I only noticed it after rewatching the dinner a few times. (Yes, I was so fascinated that I watched the entire dinner multiple times back to back. Little did I know that this was foretelling for my future as an eventual, devoted BTS fan.) The delay in recognizing this JiKook situation was because the subtle exchange did not occur in the same frame. It occurred while the group was discussing their new separate residences after having lived together for so long.  When JKs new home came up, JM and JK conspicuously made eye contact for what seemed to be about the topic of conversation. JK seemed amused, but I couldn’t quite read JMs expression. I only remember him later wondering aloud about how much of this footage would be able to be aired. (Click & expand to read dialogue.)

The photos above are from a slide in my personal slideshow that I created to understand all the JiKook information I eventually viewed out of order. The two pictures at the bottom were enlarged and put side by side, but they are not manipulated to show something that didn’t happen. They are showing what actually was happening at the same time but in separate frames. Watch the actual, official footage and see (Link is set to the 16:50 mark). The pictures were included in this way to reveal their actions in one space, so you can see they were looking at each other while the other members spoke about JKs house and his multiple mattresses.😆 JM even did a slight twitch of his eyebrow with the eye contact.  The pictures right above that happened in reverse order, but I switched them so you could see the body language occurring simultaneously as this conversation played out. This is why it took me a while to notice the exchange. This too made me think, “What is happening with these two?”

And that’s how I first noticed JiKook.  Then down the JiKook rabbit hole I went…��

Feel free to share your JiKook moment too, and watch "Are You Sure?" travel series on Disney+, starting August 8th.

[steddieas-shegoes]

wrong date

for @corrodedcoffinfest prompt 'wrong date'

rated t | 890 words | cw: mild language | tags: famous corroded coffin, jeff's dad finally accepts he has a rockstar son

🤘🏻🤘🏻🤘🏻🤘🏻🤘🏻🤘🏻🤘🏻🤘🏻🤘🏻🤘🏻🤘🏻

It was supposed to be a special show, not even part of the regular tour. A stop in Indianapolis in a small venue, only 250 tickets sold, a shortened set with a new song list just for this crowd. They'd have merch available specific to this show.

It was a bit of an anniversary show, marking the ten year anniversary of their first time playing in Indy, which is the show that led them to signing their first deal.

It wasn't even a real tour date.

But when their merch arrived for it, they went into panic mode.

"How did they mess up the back?" Jeff was yelling through the phone on the bus, something he never did. "We were clear that this would have the art submitted with the date and location of this one show. It can't have the same back as our tour shirt!"

Frankie and Eddie watched Jeff from the couch as Gareth sat on the counter by the fridge. Normally, Jeff was incredibly calm when faced with a problem, especially one that could definitely be fixed. This could be fixed, though it would be cutting it extremely close to the show date.

"No. Fix it. Get them overnighted. I don't care if it costs you more money. Not having the merch we told fans we would is gonna cost a lot more." Jeff hung up, immediately banging his head against the cabinet in front of him. "It's so simple. They fuck up the simplest thing."

"You good?" Gareth dares to ask while Jeff is having a breakdown.

"How many times do I have to fix shit they fuck up? Why do they even get to be in charge of things if they can't handle it?" Jeff continues, ignoring Gareth's question. "We need a better manager."

"You mean like the last guy we had?" Frankie snorted. "Maybe we could call him in prison and ask him for help while he serves time for tax evasion and embezzlement."

"At least he got us the right fucking shirts!" Jeff argued, but quickly deflated. "I just want this to be perfect."

Gareth made eye contact with Eddie and Frankie before hopping off the counter and standing in front of Jeff. He placed a comforting hand on Jeff's shoulder.

"This wouldn't normally bother you this much. What's goin' on?" He asked.

"My dad's gonna be there."

It all made sense now.

Jeff's relationship with his dad had been...rocky. Not always. In fact, as a child, he was incredibly close to him, and they spend countless hours playing together, taking fishing trips, going to concerts.

But when Jeff started taking music more seriously than school, planning for a future on stage instead of in a college dorm, his dad had a lot of things to say, and none of them were positive. It broke Jeff's heart to lose his support, but it got easier to deal with the more successful they became.

When their recent album debuted at number one, Jeff's dad reached out to let him know he was proud of him. He didn't apologize, or even admit he was wrong, but he was trying a little. It was enough for Jeff from a distance.

But apparently it wouldn't be at a distance anymore.

"He's your VIP ticket?" Eddie asked.

Jeff nodded. "Him and my mom. They heard about it and insisted on coming to see what all the fuss is about."

"Who said there's fuss?" Eddie joked. "No fuss here. Just a lot of people who wanna sleep with us or be us."

"Yeah, I guess they wanted to get the experience without going to a regular show."

"We'll have the best show ever, then. Gotta show them how fuckin' cool you are, right?" Frankie said as he pulled Jeff into a hug.

****

Jeff's parents were the first ones backstage after the show, somehow beating Gareth's parents, Wayne, and Frankie's mom by minutes.

He gave his mom a hug, but hesitated before holding a hand out towards his dad.

Everyone watched as his dad looked down at it, then back up at Jeff.

Jeff dropped his hand, and only his closest friends in the world could see the disappointment on his face.

But his dad's arms wrapped around his shoulders, and the entire room breathed a sigh of relief.

"Proud of you, son. I'm glad you didn't listen to me."

"Really?" Jeff asked against his shoulder, voice wet and rough like he was holding back a sob.

"You're a true rock star. Can't say I ever thought it was possible, but seeing you up there, I know that's where you were meant to be."

When Jeff pulled away, he noticed both of his parents were wearing the shirts that had only arrived at the venue the day before.

Everything was correct this time.

When Jeff's dad turned around to say hi to Frankie's mom, Jeff looked at the date on the back.

"You're fuckin' kidding me," he groaned.

"What?" Eddie asked, watching the door for Wayne.

"They got the date wrong!"

Eddie laughed. "I guess our encore technically played on June 20th, so that's gotta be at least a little right."

"We have to fire our manager," Jeff shook his head. "Today. I'll hire someone off the street. Only qualification is knowing what a calendar looks like."

[bambinambi]

Most Women are NOT Girl's Girls and Men are NOT Your Friends

A reflection on having Lilith in the 11th house (and to a lesser extent, Pluto in the 10th house)

"Lilith in the 11th house are usually ostracised from their society and their communities, usually struggle with developing friendships, especially with women, attract toxic friendships, attract jealousy and envy from other women, are overly sexualised, are usually befriended by men with ulterior motives, are often isolated or ostracised in their own friendship groups and incessantly shamed, and accused of trying to seduce or steal away other women's men."

(Disclaimer: All of these observations can, of course, be experienced by any other placements, one might argue that this is simply the female experience of friendships and relationships, but I personally attribute a lot of my experiences to this placement (as well as others) and thought it interesting to write out how I believe this placement has shaped my relationships with others, and definition and feelings towards "community")

The quotes given above are just a few of the observations I've seen written about Lilith in the 11th house. These placements has caused a variety of questions to arise, in my head, over the years;

"How can women maintain relationships with the same individuals they perceive as their rivals?"

"Can women ever be friends with other women when men and social standing are at risk?"

"Can men ever truly see women as "just friends"?"

"And how do societal issues affect how and who we forge our friendships with?"

When I was in primary school, a couple of fellow netball moms all rallied together to protest against how "inappropriately short" and "tight" my netball shorts were. My coach even went as far as taking me to the school shop to exchange my school assigned shorts for a larger pair, better equipped to hide my African body. I was 9. How could a 9 year old be "inappropriately dressed" in school uniform? There is no other way of putting it; my 9 year old body was being sexualised because it didn't reassemble those of the skinny, little white girls. It was curvier, and therefore "womanly" in their eyes, in spite of my age.

They voiced their disapproval, like I was intentionally trying to show off my body and seduce the non-existent men on the grounds. I was 9. I was made to feel ashamed. I think this event, and many others that followed after it, were the catalysed for not only the shame I felt towards my body but also my discomfort with being seen as sexually appealing. If my body was so incredibly evocative, then how could I prevent people from sexualising me in the future? And if I couldn't, what dangers could possibly arise as a result of it?

I was already being catcalled before I had even gotten my pen license, a means for insecure men to feel powerful, to instill fear into the most vulnerable like the powerless men that they were, but I interpreted it as yet another piece of evidence that the world would not see me for the child that I was, worthy of having their innocence protected like the white girls' were.

My primary school principal went out of her way to ensure I never had the chance to hang out with my guy friends. She barred them from entering the school grounds, despite having younger siblings at school, and in turn barred me from hanging out with my friends directly outside of the school grounds. She would deliberately drive from the faculty parking lot to the front of the school and sit and watch for whether we would meet up at my school. First, she barred us from hanging out directly outside the school grounds on the pavement, then from hanging out at a local café, then from hanging out at local parks, and then from walking home together (which we did so we could hang out at our respective homes). All this in spite of me stating, on numerous occasions, that my parents were aware of and approved of my plans.

I remember when my school held their annual Christmas carols. My best friend (a boy) asked if we could walk home together. We both asked our parents (who had been attending the carols) for permission to do so. After being granted said permission, we walked down towards the exit of the school, where my principal was standing to greet parents. She stopped us, stated that she didn't believe my parents had given me permission, told me to stand by her side, and told my friend to go home.

Whether she was a puritan or a separatist, her intention definitely did not seem like she was trying to protect. She sought to publicly embarrass me on numerous occasions by barring the entire school for doing things everyone knew I was solely "guilty" of. If anything, she was these white boys from me, from the "fast" black girl that I was. I never even had any real interest in boys and dating, but what does that matter in the face of stereotypes?

When I was in high school, I was one of the only black girls in a predominately white school, community, and city. White boys didn't notice us. White girls never saw us as competition, and black boys would bully and berate us for just about anything you could think of. I remember my black friend getting anxious about being intimate with a boy for the first time because she thought he would be disgusted by the fact that her nipples were brown. When I asked her why she would feel insecure about that, she explained that black boys had been saying that brown nipples were ugly and that pink nipples were prettier. The same individuals with brown nipples, nappy hair, and all the other features they criticised us for black girls for having.But honestly, I couldn't take the criticism of individuals who looked like me to heart. They evidently had inferiority complexes that, instead of dealing with, were projected onto black girls because they knew there would be no real consequences. No one stood up for black girls, including other black girls. Anyway, I digress.

Black girls would gossip about the (eventful) lives of the white girls (from a place of envy, but how would they know considering their judgement was being shared and agreed upon in an echo chamber?), focusing especially on their perceived flaws, mistakes and the unforunate happenings in their lives with excitement, like we were excited their perfect pristine lives also came with issues like ours.

Black girls would gossip equally about other black girls and boys, criticising them for everything from their economic backgrounds to their hair, to their clothes, to who they chose to/didn't choose to hang around with ("How long has she had those braids in? They look bad." "Yoh, for someone with money, you would think they would buy nice clothes." "You can tell he likes white girls." *Points at his relaxed hair and laugh*). This judgemental outlook also extended to fellow black girls, either behind their backs or directly to their faces. I was often a subject of their gossip. I was made even more of an outsider for not having a similar ethnic background or economic background, for not being able to speak the same language as them and being able to assimilate better than them. "Coconut" is the term often used, white on the inside and black on the outsider.

These black girls used their incessant gossip sessions as an outlet for all their frustrations, a time in their days when their insecurities could be laid to rest in their minds. Black boys and black girls were equally unsatisfied in their places in the world. Black boys for not being "white enough" and black women feeling frustrated that they were being made to conform in a world that was never made for them, and made no concessions on how one could gain access. You had to be agreeable and not disrupt the status quo, or dare to criticise it. You were either like them, or you were an outsider. You chose, but you'd paid either way.

Entering the 10th grade, I decided to improve my physical and mental health. Until then, I had spent my time feeling like a victim of my black personhood. I eventually realised that I didn't have to worry myself with societies over criticism, lack of empathy and complete disregard for black women, that I didn't need to carry the shame imposed upon me, that I didn't need to carry/pay any of it really any mind. And so, I exercised regularly, ate well, developed a skincare and hair routine, read affirmations every day, and grew to be a far happier and contended person. I no longer needed nor concerned myself with external validation, and in doing so, I decentered men completely and became my own source of happiness. I became like a child again, uninterested in gossip, because it no longer fed my ego, knowing others were suffering. I became preoccupied with my 100s of hobbies because I realised that I would be the only individual capable of bringing true peace with myself and to my mind.

Going into university to begin with was great. I made a group of acquaintances that for the first time looked like me, had the same interests as me, came from similar cultural backgrounds to me and had similar childhoods to me, due to having similar upbringings and coming from similar economic backgrounds. I didn't feel like an outsider in my friendship or community anymore, like Lilith in 11th house natives usually do.

Things took a turn when my two girls in the friend group started dating some men in my friend group. It wasn't their relationships that caused issues in the friendship group, but how the other women in the friend group reacted. Their colours began to show. Let's call the girlfriends 'A' and 'B', and the two boyfriends 'C' and 'D', and the other girls in the friend group 'the trio'. 'C' and 'D' were not particularly close with 'the trio' prior to getting to relationships with 'A' and 'B'. But the trio subsequently started trying to get closer and closer to 'C' and 'D' (I know this sounds like high school drama, but bare with me).

'The trio' insisted on spending as much time as possible with 'C' and 'D', linking arms with them as they followed them around on campus. They even used to greet the boys by excitedly screaming, abandoning whatever they were preoccupied with before, running at full speed, and the flinging themselves into 'C' and 'D's arms, the way a girlfriend would do.I recall the trio regaling us with the previous night's activities, hanging out in 'C' and 'D's residence rooms. I thought all of this was completely inappropriate, that it was strange to act this way towards someone else's partner, someone you know is taken. What made it worse is that the trio were closer to 'A' and 'B' prior, having lived in the same residence. The trio's loyalty should have been with the 'A' and 'B', but they chose male attention over friendship.

One could argue that a complete abandonment of concerns surrounding societal pressures and expectations and a complete decentering of men would remedy this situation, this insatiable need for positive attention (especially from men). But that would be completely untrue (and naive) and would completely negate the obsession society has as a whole by bullying women into submission and the repercussions that come with it.

These women ('the trio') unknowingly played into the oldest narrative underpinning many societies; women "need" men to be worthy and valid in society. More male validation means you are more valuable. I just know someone is going to say I'm being misogynistic or anti-feminist, but it takes one look at society to see that this is exactly the narrative that lives in the subconsciouses of many women's minds, even the many of us who think we're more progressive, or "above" that kind of thinking.

'A' and 'B' had always been uncomfortable with the trios' behaviour, grew weary of them, and became distant. In the end, the final undoing came from 'A' and 'B' connecting the dots as the to how 'the trio' had been sowing doubt in the respective relationships on both sides. Dissuaded both parties ('A' and 'B', and 'C' and 'D') from continuing on with their individual relationships based on "intel" they had gathered by playing both sides. 'A' and 'B', rightfully so, cut severed ties with 'the trio' and the rest of the group as a result of this situation, and I developed a disgust for everyone involved, excluding 'A' and 'B'.

It was the first time, I had seen women clamour for male attention at the expense of their female relationships, to intentionally ousted and wound the women in their lives to knock them down a peg, to feel superior. I didn't understand why they had even thought to do such a thing, as they all individually had partners of their own. The main instigator had been in a relationship with her boyfriend to 5-6 years. Why would she be threatened by her male friends having girlfriends?

But I guess that's the point. Some women can't handle having male attention, not solely being on themselves. They need to be the prettiest girl in the room, and if not that, the funniest, or the most relatable, or the most understanding, or the most caring something that will make the men in their lives appreciate them. Daddy issues are rampede in our society, combine that with society's insistence on obsessively comparing women, merciless fault-finding, and incessant instilling of fear as to what life would be like without a man by one's side (including what sins to never commit and the horror level consequences of not achieving such), and you have a swarm of anxious pick me's.

'A' and 'B' were jealous of me. There's no other way to put it. I was entertaining, outgoing, funny, smart, and confident. I was beloved. It started with critical comments and snowballed into outright bullying, in which they both took part in and enjoyed their unsympathetic barrage on my personhood if the twinkle in their eyes was anything to go by. They revelled in their perceived victimhood while not recognising that they too were often perpetrators of the same things they accused others of. I was cognisant of their hypocrisy. They were not. A person with BPD with her favourite covertly narcissistic person, a recipe for disaster for anyone caught in their crossfire.

Because I had gone to a girls' only school, and had grown up with a strict mother (I have moon in the fourth house). My comprehension of how women and men interacted when in social settings was very limited. I interacted with men the way I did women and unintentionally 'led on' a lot of men who I was only seeking to befriend at most. Also, I realised how territorial women could be over the men in their lives, even when they were merely friends.

In high school, this one girl who had been at my school, had moved to a co-ed school, and went from being a kind girl, who always sought to uplift the women around her, to being a girl with only male friends, struggling with forming female friendships and maintaining her already established ones, who became boy-obsessed and consequently, obsessed with increasing her own desireability from men, body-shaming and being highly critical of women, and in turn, developing an eating disorder of her own. She had gone to girls' only schools her entire life and had only made this change once socialised around men. I'll refer to her as 'E' from here on out.I remember 'E' inviting me to her 18th birthday party. I did not know anyone else attending the party, with the exception of other girls from my school who had already socialised extensively with the other party goers at previous gatherings. So I wouldn't be alone, I asked the 'E' if I could invite one of my friends who she had been best friends with in primary school. She went on to say that she didn't think the girl was "pretty enough" for any of her male friends, and that she would check with them to see if any of them would be interested in hooking up with her. It was at that moment I realised that 'E' had only invited girls to her party so that she could essentially have us hook up with her male friends. She invited only girls her male friends were sexually interested in while also being incredibly territorial over all of them. I learnt this when a male friend of hers had a clear interest in me at a New Year's Eve party we both attended.

I was always the type of drunk to be all over the place, bouncing around excited and gleefully trying to find any source of drunken entertainment. I was not fussed with who I was with. I just wanted to have fun. He tailed me around the party the entire night. I decided to play drinking games, and he would come along. I wanted to jump in the pool when the clock struck midnight. He expressed that he would do so along with me. When I expressed being cold, he leant me his jacket.

At some point in the night, when we had separated, 'E' came up to me stating that he wanted his jacket back, I obliged and handed it over to her. Once returning to my side, he expressed confusion why I was no longer wearing his jacket and where I may have placed it, as we were at a house with random people. The story that everyone heard about that night, from her, was that I was "all over him", and it was "so embarrassing to watch". It was believable.

Since when would an objectively attractive white boys be interested in a black girl? When blue-eyed blondes existed in abundance? Why would he pick the black girl? It was easy for 'E' to use this unspoken but well-known societal "code of conduct" (or "rule of thumb") to shame me. It goes white girl with blues eyes and blonde hair, white girl with blonde hair and green eyes, white girl with... you get the gist. Black girls rank at the absolute bottom of the list if they even make it on the list at all (which they rarely do).

These experiences made me realise that she didn't care about a single one of her female friends. That their were competition instead of companionship. That she didn't care were or not we attended her party, celebrated her birthday with her. A milestone. I declined 'E's birthday invitation shortly after.At university, I started working with an events company. The company was started by a tight-knit group of friends. I quickly became friendly with everyone. Or so I thought. After the first or second meeting, two of the girls had grown cold towards me, we'll call the 'F' and 'G'. Or rather 'G' had begun giving me the cold shoulder, and 'F', always following along with whatever 'F' did, copied 'G's actions, mostly in her presence. But 'F's decision to follow along with 'G's mission of making me feel unwelcome soured my opinion of 'F' altogether.

I remember 'G' was the only person in the organisation to have a car. She was the only one capable of lifting us the event sight to set up for the event that evening. She sent a message on our company group chat, stating that she would be picking up people from campus at a certain location and time, and requested we indicate who would be able to come. A number of us indicated that we could, including myself. In spite of arriving ahead of time to the location, she had decidedly left early, without me and another girl, in spite of being the first one's to respond to the message, and there only being 4 people, she needed to remember to lift at that time.

Once arriving back to the sight for the event itself, I was initially going to partake in ticket sales, but another me and the same girl who had been left behind before (who was also meant to sell tickets that night), were told to go back to the main sight because there were enough members already servicing the ticket stand. 'G' was instructed to take us back to the sight, which she begrudgingly did in almost complete silence.Now you might be thinking to yourself, "Girl, what if you did something to offend these people, and their actions are justified?" Only issue with that theory, is once I realised many women would react to me in a certain way, I tried my hardest to really show them that I did not think of myself as "all that", that they need not feel like I'm some sort of "threat".

I also don't have a single male friend. One guy 'friend', we'll call him H, invited me over "to watch a movie". 'H' kept pushing the time of our meeting back to the point that our hang out had to be scheduled at 8 pm, at his apartment. He ended up asking me if we could kiss platonically. I rejected his advances, and we proceeded to watch the movie. I eventually asked to leave, to which he stated it would be too dangerous to walk back to campus, although he did so often. I had no real choice but to sleepover as our small university town had no Uber and taxi services I rarely used and had no numbers for. He proceeded to ask to cuddle me while we slept. This was someone who I had thought of as my (only) male friend for years.

My first relationship began with my then boyfriend and classmate propositioning me. Throughout the relationship, he would continually call me a "baddie" and say things like, "I can't believe I got the class baddie." It was like I was a price instead of a partner. We expressed far more sexual intimacy than emotional, despite my efforts, and he displayed a completely unserious regard towards our relationship, including flirting with other classmates in my presence. I was not respected, nor were my feelings ever considered, because at the end of a day, I was a means of sexual relief to him, not a person.

- 22 May 2024

[hooksbooks]

Fanfic Writers Appreciation Day

This year I participated in @renegadeguild's Renegade Loves Fic (Writers) event for the first time, in which we celebrate Fanfic Writers Appreciation Day by binding two copies of a fanfic we love and sending one copy to the author.

I chose Florigenesis by @nientedal (and its sequel your roots send down to grow as an epilogue), which is a Megamind/Roxanne hanahaki story. Or, in the words of the author, "Less 'Hanahaki' and more 'mutually-requited pining with flowers thrown in for flavor.' " I loved the imagery of the flowers and had a lot of fun typesetting it with as many floral motifs as I could fit in it.

The flower Megamind ends up coughing up for Roxanne are dahlias, so I found some open-source images of dahlias sourced from books in the public domain to use as scene breaks and as a watermark behind the table of contents. Additionally, I used the font "Lime Blossom Caps" to use as a drop-cap at the beginning of each chapter. The text ended up being a bit more than 380 pages.

This is the first time I've done a book partially covered in paper instead of all in bookcloth. Before gluing the paper to the cover, I sealed it with homemade paste wax, which I think turned out really well. The book has a lovely feel to it--I'll definitely do some more partial-paper covered books in the future.

Also for the first time I sewed a headband on each book. It turned out fairly well. I used waxed linen thread as the core (the waxed thread that came with my bookbinding kit--its braided and so thick I can't imagine using it for sewing signatures).

Additionally, I got myself a chisel (and sharpening kit) to trim the edges, which turned out much better than expected. I still don't have something to hold the book horizontally while I trim so I'm still trimming vertically for now, but it turned out much better than trying to use a utility knife like I was before.

Technical Details:

Quarto size (quarter-letter, about A6)

Sewn-on made endpapers

Rounded but not backed

Sewn-on headbands (no tailbands)

Chisel-trimmed pages

Oxford hollow

The linen tapes are frayed and glued to the exterior of the boards

Sewn-on bookmark

Things I especially liked about this bind:

CHISEL TRIMMING! I knew it would up my game to have a chisel to trim pages with rather than just a utility knife, but WOW, it made SO MUCH difference! Once they were finished I kept petting the edges of the pages because they were just so soft and smooth and perfect.

I really like the sewn-in headbands. I'd probably use a bit thicker core next time, but they turned out well and I'm pleased with them.

I'm surprised how much I liked the paper-covered covers. I had planned on most of my books being full-bookcloth with this one as an exception, but with how much I like the look and feel of this book I will probably switch that around and do just quarter-bound with bookcloth unless I have a good reason to make an exception.

For the made endpapers, I glued just the edge of the endpaper to the white instead of the whole page. I quite like it--it's a lot more flexible this way and doesn't have a "noticeably glued-together" feel to it.

The wax paste turned out really well. It makes the cover feel very "finished" instead of just like scrapbook paper, which is what it actually is.

Things I'd like to improve for next time:

Because the text block is rounded but not backed, there's a little wrinkling of the endpaper glued to the board right at the hinge so it doesn't pull when the book is opened all the way. I'll have to experiment a bit more with this to figure out a good hinge for a rounded-not-backed book.

Although I love the flower cover, it's a little busy to have the title legible on the cover, so it's only on the spine. That's not a bad thing, but I'm not sure what I would do if I definitely did want a title/design on the cover itself.

I think honestly there's not very much to improve for next time. I'm very pleased with how this one came out--it's very nearly perfect.

[mrs-barnes-rogers-writes]

The Feral Princess - Part 1

Marvel AU

Pairing: Stucky x Reader

Theme: Soulmate AU / Medieval / Fantasy / Soulmate Marks

Summary: Bucky and Steve have known they were soulmates since they were children. Fate bringing a then sickly Steve and the future King together. War takes them apart and throws them back together over and over, in and out of each other lives, arms and beds. But something is missing and throughout, they know they are missing their third and final piece. The kingdom is now Bucky's and Steve's, the latter now a leader and no longer a sickly child. Both are war heroes, with the respect of their country and those that surround it. They are a force to be reconned with, admired and respected within the other royal houses. They could have any maiden or princess they wanted, but they don't want just anyone. They want their soulmate. They want their princess. Even if she is known as The Feral Princess.

Chapter Summary: *The easiest way to find your soulmate is to throw a ball, or you could just show a certain worldly lady your marks.

*This is an expansion of the sneak peek.

"A BALL!!! That's the best way!" Becca exclaimed.

Bucky rubbed his hand down his face, frustrated by his sister's input.

"Becca, why are you here?" He asked.

"I'm your sister, why wouldn't I be?"

"How did you even know this meeting was going on?"

The group, made up of all of Steve and Bucky's closest confidants, turned to look at Sam.

"It's not my fault, she wouldn't let me leave this morning and she is your sister."

"Maybe keep our plans out of your pillow talk." Bucky said disgusted, throwing a cushion at him in the process.

Natasha decided to try and move the conversation forward. This had already been the topic of every single meeting for almost a year.

"James, Steven, Rebecca does have a point. Balls are the usual way to find your soulmate, but before you interrupt James, I also know that isn't something you want to do. Too many people. Too many overeager maids, trying to part you both. There are other ways."

"Go on." Pushed Steve.

"Well, the chances are she could be of a similar standing to you, similar life experiences." Nat continued.

"Not many princesses have experience of war or know how to wield a sword." Clint threw in.

"Your wife could." Nat threw back.

"Because she was defending her family and, no offence honey, but you aren't a princess." He replied, turning to Laura.

"I'm not but Nat has a point."

"How so?" Asked Steve.

"There's always some sort of common ground, something familiar that ties you together." Laura replied, Steve nodded in understanding as Bucky huffed.

"So, we draw up a possible list" Nat continued, "princesses, maids and ladies of good standing. No meek and mild. Rule out any we know are wed, already with their soulmates, and then send for them or send someone to them."

Steve glanced to his left at Bucky.

"Buck?"

"Then one of you would have to see our marks." Bucky added.

"Yes James, that's how this works." Nat replied.

He sighed. He knew deep down this was the only way. He'd either have to scour every kingdom himself or throw a damn ball, and he couldn't let his sister be right.

"Fine!" He snapped standing abruptly. He began to throw off his boots and socks and pull up his trouser leg. Steve alarmed by his soulmates sudden agreement, started to quickly move to do the same.

"Should we send for Strange or Wanda? They could take an imprint" Asked Becca.

Natasha knelt down to examine their marks. Sure enough on their left ankles they had each others marks but alongside them, was another. Natasha smirked to herself. She knew those marks.

"No need for an imprint Princess. I know these markings."

Confusion washed over the group.

"What? How?" Asked Steve his voice quiet now. He'd always been careful to keep his covered and to his knowledge so had Bucky.

"A princess I know bares your marks."

"Who?" Questioned Bucky.

"Princess Y/N."

“You’re sure?” Steve asked nervously. He had been told once before of a match, only for it to be a lie and nearly rip him and Bucky apart in the process.

“I’d put my life on it.” replied Natasha.

“When?” asked Bucky.

“When what James?”

“When did you see her marks? Princesses, ladies, those from Royal households or court don’t usually flaunt their marks.”

“I met her during my time in France.”

Steve and Bucky both raised an eyebrow and glanced at each other. They were well aware of why ladies of the court and princesses go to France. Steve cleared his throat, a slight blush across his cheeks.

“And why was she in France?”

A smirk spread across Natasha’s face.

“For schooling of course.”

“Sam send a message to her guardians, we seek her hand.” instructed Steve. Sam nodded but was halted by Bucky’s firm voice.

“Wait! We won’t be seeking her hand.”

“Buck! You agreed, you said…” protested Steve.

“She has turned down every offer of courting and every marriage proposal from every admirer she has ever had, as have her guardians. The last one she shot through the leg with an arrow, the one before she threatened with a Wakandan blade, and then there’s the one the maid poisoned. So we make it clear that we are claiming her hand. Not seeking it. We are to wed her not court her.”

“So just so I have this right” replied Sam, sounding a little exasperated, knowing the trouble this could cause, “you want to send a message to the houses of Loxley AND Lionheart to say you are claiming the heart and hand and, well staking a claim, on their princess, the one known as The Feral Princess?”

Bucky was first to reply.

“Yes Samuel. Oh and make it clear, if she doesn’t come, I will fetch her.”

Fancy a cuppa? My Ko-Fi.

TAGLIST

@animegirlgeeky

[starogeorgina]

Killer queen

Warnings: Incest

Pairing: Aemond Targaryen × Targaryen OC

1.04

“Muña!”

“Tré!” You call out as your son runs to you with his arms outstretched. The dragon keeper who accompanied him out of the pit nods, then excuses himself. You lifted your son up and kissed his chubby cheeks. “Did you have fun?”

Smiling brightly, he nods his head. Only a week after your son was born, Aemond began taking him dragon riding, so your son, who had just celebrated his fourth name day, was well acquainted with Vhagar. Tré learning to ride a dragon properly so young made you feel more confident for when he would be able to fly on his own dragon, Breeze, when they were both large enough.

His dragon came from a clutch of eggs laid by Aelora. Breeze’s body was silver and glimmered in the sun; his calm nature matched his bonded riders perfectly.

Tré points behind you, “Kepa!”

You watch as Aemond leaves the dragon pit and walks towards you. His toned figure is being hugged nicely by his riding gear as he struts towards you, looking pleased with himself. He rips his leather gloves off with his teeth before stroking the side of Tré’s cheek and brushing stray hairs behind your ear, saying, “You shouldn’t be lifting him in your condition.”

“Nonsense,” you say, shaking your head. “You just worry too much.”

Aemond’s hand rests against your swollen stomach. “I have every reason to be worried.”

Since the maester had confirmed you were pregnant again, Aemond had been treating you as if you were made of glass, which was understandable given how sickly you were during your first pregnancy. Goosebumps spread across your body as you watched Aemond take in your appearance, his eye blown with lust. He loved seeing you in revealing outfits, and the silver dress, which was almost completely backless aside from the thin fabric holding it together at your neck, seemed to be riling him up.

“I have a small counsel meeting to attend soon,” you say, handing your son over to him. Once you became a mother, you felt unsure of where your place was in your family; mother and father were king and queen after all, and having a baby made you want to take on more responsibilities to ensure his future was secure, so your grandsire suggested you attend your father's counsel meetings to learn the way of politics. “However, I will come find you after it while Tré is attending his lessons.”

You smiled, watching as your son snuggled into his father's chest, their silver hair blending together. Aemond still caressed your bump with his free hand while sighing, “I spoke to mother this morning. She wants to know how long we plan on waiting until we try for another once this baby is born.”

“What did you tell her?”

“I told her that we would have our own fleet within the next few years.”

You frowned at him; your first labor had lasted for days and was the worst experience of your life. Several times you begged for someone to end your suffering; of course the pain was worth it the moment your son was brought into the world, but you spent many years contemplating if you even wanted another, then decided you wanted your son to have a sibling, someone to grow up with. A subject you and your mother came to blows over several times.

Aemond chuckles. “I am only jesting, my love; you have already given me the family of my dreams. I would never ask you to go through this again.”

“I know,” you gulp down, feeling a wave of emotion hit you. “I should get going; I will see my favorite boys later.”

You walk away before tears spill from your eyes. By all means, you weren’t hurt or upset by your mother's question; you were angry. Angry that despite you having already made the decision not to have any more children after giving birth to the baby currently growing inside you, she insisted on trying to convince your husband otherwise.

—

When the council meeting was over, you spent some time trying to track Aemond down. He wasn’t in the nursery, library, training yard, or with any of your siblings, and Vhagar was flying riderless outside. It didn’t overly concern you as you knew he must have been inside the keep, but it was irritating as you wanted to spend some alone time with him.

When the knight opens the door to your bedroom chamber, you are welcomed by the sound of singing. You step inside and observe as Aemond sings a lullaby in High Valyrian as he pulls a black-scaled dragon egg out of his satchel.

You lean against the wall and say, “Fatherhood suits you.”

“And motherhood suits you.” Aemond turns around, giving you a devilish smile. He strides towards you, his hands gently gripping your hips, his lips now ghosting your own. “Especially this part, when you are full of my seed and swollen. The dragon growing inside you is strong. It’s easy to tell by the way you are glowing.”

“Hmm,” you nip at his lower lip playfully.

Aemond takes the opportunity and clashes his lips with your own, starting a long and passionate kiss. Just as his hands move to cup your heavy chest, there’s a knock at the door. Looking irritated by the interruption, he swings the door open himself, frightening the servant standing on the other side.

“My Prince,” the man says, giving him a neck bow before moving his attention to you, “princess. Prince Aegon sent me to tell you he’s awaiting you in the dragonpit.”

“Thank you, Silas.”

The servant smiles before bowing his neck again and leaving. Aemond rolls his eyes; he never understood your learning the names of all the servants who you interacted with daily.

You knew Aemond was furious by the way his jaw twitched as he watched you put on a black shawl to keep the chill off your bare back. Sternly, he says, “I thought you weren’t dragon-riding while pregnant.”

“No, I said I wouldn’t be riding on the dragon's back alone,” you corrected. “We will ride out on Sunfyre and fly back on Aelora.”

Unamused, Aemond repositioned his pants so that his hard-on was no longer visible. Huffing, he picks up one of his many books and sits down by the fire without saying another word. Aemond’s real issue wasn’t you going dragon riding; it was because he was jealous. Aelora would rip anyone who tried to mount her aside from you and Aegon to shreds, and your older brother would never let him forget it.

Your husband hadn’t made an effort to hide how envious he was of your connection to Aegon; a part of you always wondered if it was because it was the type of sibling relationship he craved himself, but you wouldn’t dare ask him, knowing the question would embarrass him. “Oh, my darling,” you say, wrapping your arms around his shoulder and placing a soft kiss on his cheek. “I am simply trying to make the most of my time before the new baby comes, because when she is here, I imagine most of my time will be taken up with her and Tré.”

“I suppose you are right; besides, you’ll need to give our brother plenty of attention now before the new baby arrives. You know how competitive he can be.”

You pout at his words, “Aemond don’t-”

“You keep referring to the baby as a girl,” he says, kissing the back of your hand, changing the subject. “One of each would be nice; I hope she obtains her mother's beauty.”

You kiss him on the lips, then on the top of his scar above his eye. “It would only be fair since our son has gotten all of his good qualities from his father. I will see you once I return.”

“Be safe.”

—

On your walk back from the dragonpit, you hear two servants whispering in the hallway. They notice you staring and immediately curtsy. Smiling, you walk towards them and say, “Hello, I believed I heard my name.”

“Forgive us, princess,” a red-headed girl says frantically. “I meant no disrespect; I was just saying how beautiful your Targaryen hair is.”

“Oh,” your general said, surprised by her honesty. The same servant commented on your attire most days, commenting how wonderful it must be for a princess. “What do you like about it?”

Her face flushes red. “The braids, p-princess.”

“There’s no need to be so afraid. Do you like my braids as well?” You ask, facing the other servant.

She nods.

“Follow me.”

You lead the confused servants through the hallways until you reach your empty bedchamber. You had them both sit in chairs by the fireplace and begin braiding their hair to be similar to yours. During which time you learned the blonde's name was Laura and the redhead was Shayla.

While twirling strands of red hair around your finger, you ask, “How old are you? You look rather young to be working here.”

“One and two, princess.”

You had learned Shayla was the youngest of four daughters and that both her parents had died of a fever; her only living relative who was an adult sent them out for work immediately. “And you were the only sibling sent to work in the keep?”

“Yes, princess, my older sisters were sold to one of the brothels on Silk Street.”

Your hand immediately moves to your stomach, and you rub at it protectively. It terrifies you to think what kind of beasts the poor girls must have to deal with daily. “Do you know which brothel they are in?”

“I’m afraid I do not know princess; I haven’t seen them since the day we were sold. I do miss them terribly.”

You open your mouth to reply, but stop when Laura says, “Forgive me, princess, but it’s getting late. The head of the kitchen will scold me if I do not arrive before the sun sets.”

Hearing the fear in her voice, you give her permission to leave. When she’s gone, you return your attention back to the girl in front of you and ask, “What are your sister's names? And your last name?”

“Ava, Charlotte, and Bridget Our last name is Ford. Princ-”

“You do not need to call me priciness in every sentence,” you laugh softly. You make a mental note to ask Aegon in the morning to help you find these girls before finishing Shayla’s braid, saying, “Thank you for sharing with me. If it pleases you, I’d like to practice braiding your hair again, if that’s okay.”

Her eyes light up. “Of course, Princess.”

The young girl leaves your bedchamber just as your husband arrives; her grin never fades as she curtsies him on her way out, which puzzles Aemond, as most servants are too afraid to even look at him. He brushes it off and wraps his arms around your waist, pressing a kiss to your shoulder. “How was dragon riding?”

“Excellent; although I think I’m getting rather fat for it, I struggled to strap myself in.”

He presses a kiss behind your ear and says, “I shall inquire into finding straps with more stretch in it.”

“Perhaps,” you turn around to face him, not missing the devilish glint in his eye. You take hold of his hand, moving it to your breast and squeezing. “But I believe we have some time to make up for my husband.”

[umeji-writes]

I would like to talk about the Music Festival arc - aka my favorite Mairuma arc until now. I love them all tbh, this is just very close to my heart for several reasons. [cw: non-suggestive discussion of s*x; if you are a s*x-repulsed asexual person you are very much welcome to interact, but this may not be the post for you, take care and proceed with caution ♡ edit: I'm uncensoring the words from here onwards thanks to a kind anon's suggestion] To make it short, I love that the main theme of this arc is pleasure, and the desire for it. Honestly, it's very horny - but not in a slimy or creepy way, which is sadly quite rare in my experience. The appreciation for pleasure coming from love (also platonic love) is there in several layers. First, the plot itself, as Lilith cries out her desire to find "a love that burns like fire". She is not satisfied by most pretenders, and especially this frame spoke to me:

Because... Well... It's so true. I am an adult, and I had my share of sexual partners. The expressions people make irl are not always aesthetically pleasing, but who cares! We are told to strive to be always attractive, but in those moments of intimacy it's really not important, not as much as being fully present and enjoying the moment! Then, can we talk about Kalego please?

I mean, Nishi here went all out and didn't even try to hide her fascination for ...discipline:

(and to be fully clear: I am NOT implying there is sexual tension between Kalego and his students, I am only referring to him!!!) When I saw the whip I couldn't believe my eyes. Of course in that context it's not used that way, but it's very much recognizable as an adult tool... But more on this later. Finally, I really like that the Misfits are growing up and finding out new things about themselves. They are characterized as high school students (even if we don't know how old they actually are), which is when humans tend to have their first experiences and explore their sexualities. They are building together this beautiful show full of emotions and desire, and honestly performing with other people is really an amazing feeling (I am a former musician and theater actor - let me tell you, every performance was fire). Look at their faces: from here...

...to here.

They are shocked, but happy! And definitely feeling ...feelings. And here is my main takeaway: I am really, really sad that sex is a taboo topic in our society, and when there's something about sex, it's mostly treated in a very bad way. This includes sex scenes in generic-audience movies, which I tend to dislike... I hate that sex is handled like a dirty and secret thing. I hate that sex is mostly treated as something that has to do with power imbalance and taking advantage of someone else, usually men that "want to do stuff TO" women (nonbinary individuals like myself not found) - and too often not in a hot and consensual way. I hate that social media are becoming more and more sex-hostile, because investors fear these topics, and use children as a shield to justify limiting contents for adults as well. I hate that sexual education is mainly reserved for talking about pregnancies and, if the students are lucky, prevention of STDs. Solo or reciprocal pleasure? Consent? Treating it as a normal part of life for many people (and not ALL, again, asexual people exist)??? Naaaah, why do that, when you can make people feel shame and embarassment and perpetuate trauma. Again, I am a grown-up now, and while this is legal and everything, I was conditioned to feel some level of shame nonetheless when talking about it irl (which I am working on). The whip I was writing about before (and the kneeling scene afterward)? It was a revolution in my brain. "So... That's a thing we can do...?"

(like that) I plan on doing some adult drawings in the future, but there's a part of me that resists the idea, because adult entertainment usually involves some level of dehumanization... But you know what? I want to take it back and make it about pleasure and enjoyment as it should be. Tbh, I could write a whole essay on the causes for all of the above and how they interact (patriarchy, capitalism, religions as power institutions, etc.), but this is not the place. So I'll just say that I am really, really grateful to Nishi for including this arc in a manga for a young audience, as those are important years to build a healthy relationship with pleasure and one's own body. And as Sullivan said...

I'm very much convinced that Nishi is doing a great job at sending messages for inclusion and social equality in M!IK, taking the role of educator herself. (Other reasons why I love the Music Festival arc are: Soi's story, Clara and Azz becoming closer, Iruma learning the piano, the appreciation of music itself, the immaculate art and more, but that's for another post!!!)

[tokyo-tower-symbolism]

What does it mean to be a fan in Revue Starlight?

In the Revue Starlight Movie, the climax of the movie has Hikari admit to Karen’s dead stage girl body that the reason she ran away to London was because she was scared of becoming Karen’s fan. And because this sin is so great, she was unable to forgive herself and in an act of repentance she had to leave the one she held dearest. And also running away was easier than dealing with her emotions.

But what does it mean to be a fan, and why is Hikari so offended at the thought of it?

Click here to read this with pictures since apparently tumblr is enforcing the picture limit now. Personally I would read it there since that's how I meant for this to be read, but if you've seen the Revue Starlight Movie as many times as I have, feel free to just read the text on it's own and like picture in your head what I'm talking about. It's basically the same experience

Part 1: Hikari is a hater

In her following monologue, Hikari talks about the time the two of them first watched Starlight, the play that inspired them to stand on stage together as kids. 

It all started with that Starlight. The promise we made back then decided our future.

In episode 4, while catching up,  Hikari and Karen both affirm to each other that the reason they stand on stage is because of their promise after Starlight. Although noticeably, Karen brings up the play, Hikari brings up the promise.

This girl... she got the role of the mean and spoiled Lavina in the next play,

But it might get confusing when you first watch the movie and see that Hikari was already an actor even before she met Karen. She was super into theater as a kid and was not shy about it one bit. In fact, the reason she invited Karen to a show in the first place was because that was her thing that no one else around them was doing yet. So it doesn’t kinda make sense for her to have only started acting after watching that show.

The brilliance of the stars we saw that day... I didn't feel like I could reach it, and I was scared. On even aiming for it, if I couldn't reach it

But while Starlight was the birth of Karen as a stage girl, it was the death of Hikari. Just like Karen, she loved that performance. It was amazing, and the actors were so dazzling that she couldn’t ever see herself matching it. So she was ready to give up. And if Karen wasn’t there, she probably would have stopped acting entirely after that performance, since there was nothing left for her on stage.

You brought me back to life.

But Karen was there. She asked Hikari to become stars like them someday, and even though Hikari thought she could never match the performance she saw that day, she still had a reason to stand on stage because she promised Karen to be there, and no one else can take that role from her.

And although we only got this new perspective in the movie, a lot of this was actually already in the show, we just didn’t have the context.

I won't come back until I've become a star If I didn't push you away like that, I'd end up wanting to see you. You love the stage, and you love Starlight. And that's why I'm running, We'll reunite beneath the spotlight. On top of the stage where you are waiting for me. So that we can become stars together.

In episode 8, we finally see more of Hikari’s past and she has a rather interesting thought process about how to fulfill their promise. She didn’t think she could become a star if she was with Karen. Hikari notes that Karen has an unabashed love for the stage, but says nothing like that about herself. Instead of loving Starlight, her real reason for being on stage is the promise she made to Karen. And so, she can't do what Karen does and love the stage wholeheartedly like that. Following in Karen’s footsteps won’t take her to where she needs to be, since they’re just that different. After all, the performance that made Karen want to become a star was the same one that made Hikari give up.

So instead, she runs away from Karen, planning on becoming a star on her own and only then meeting up with Karen once she’s ready. And of course Hikari has no doubts that Karen will be a star herself by that point.

Hikari runs because she didn’t become a Stage Girl because of Starlight, she became a Stage Girl because Karen asked her to shine on stage together as stars. And at that moment, Karen was so dazzling that Hikari was inspired to dream as well. But the last time Hikari became a fan, she gave up on her dreams. 

But Karen was so dazzling that it scared Hikari. If she became a fan of Karen, she might end up giving up on her dream once again. Because Karen is amazing. So amazing, that Hikari might not be able to keep up and might give in. And she couldn’t bear to do that to Karen, to have her Starlight all by herself. And that’s why Hikari runs away. She’s sure that if she goes off to London to train and become the best in the world, when she sees Karen again she won’t get overwhelmed and give up this time.

But then again, Hikari is kinda stubborn and often makes unfounded leaps in logic all the time, so maybe we shouldn’t just take her words at face value.

Part 2: Actually Hikari was right, being a fan sucks

So you better praise me, cheer me on, and buy me lots of candy. You're my number one fan after all. In return, you'll be the first to see me shine the brightest in the world.

In episode 6, we have another pair of childhood friends who made a promise to each other about standing on stage. Only this time, they explicitly bring up the interaction between a fan and their star.

Kaoruko lays out the give and take relationship, in return for giving her what she wants all the time and pampering her, Futaba will get to be the first to see her shine the brightest in the world. And like they’re kids so it’s obviously not supposed to be that serious, but it kinda is? 

Like this is literally the relationship between the top star and the losers in the auditions. The losers give up their brilliance to the top star, and in return the top star can put on the stage of fate and perform a brilliance never seen before. 

The Audition steals the brilliance of the losers and leaves nothing behind. And although we never get to see the proper aftermath of an Audition and the relationship between the Top Star and the losers, we can kinda guess what might happen using Mahiru and Karen as the framework. 

You light me up with your glimmer, Without your glimmer, I can't do anything!

Mahiru became a fan of Karen during their first year. She was nervous before the 99th Starlight, but Karen’s optimism and support dazzled her in a way she had never experienced before. She gets blinded by Karen’s brilliance and decides to give Karen everything she has, always tending to her needs and supporting her by the start of the show. This is because Mahiru thinks she has nothing and needs to rely on Karen’s glimmer to even try and stand on stage. It’s not sustainable, especially when Hikari comes and Karen finds other priorities. It’s also not good for Karen either, since in their Revue Mahiru urges Karen to go back to how she was before when she always overslept and came in late, if only because that was when Mahiru was the one who got to be the closest one to see her shine the brightest.

So despite Mahiru being a fan, she didn’t want to see a better performance. She was satisfied with what she already saw, and didn’t need any more. But is it really admiration if she couldn’t properly see the star? After all, Karen was proud of her own improvements as an actor after seeing Hikari again and breaking out of her malaise, but Mahiru couldn’t see the change for the better, and only saw the departure from her ideal.

Because to be a fan is to be blinded by the brilliance of the star. The star shines so brightly that the fan can see nothing but the star, and any disruptions are just obstructions from that vision.

We see this taken all the way to the extreme with Nana in the Revue of Hunting, but unlike Karen, Junna changed for the worse, so Nana might actually have a point. Who said that?

Karen went from lazing around and not taking things seriously to practicing non stop and becoming determined to win the auditions. And it’s things like that which help her achieve her dream, she’s dazzling.

Meanwhile Junna decided to take things slow, instead of auditioning for the biggest and best troupe like everyone else, she chooses to take her time studying in college so she can continue learning and one day be among the greats. After all, the reason she worked herself so hard was because she thought she wasn’t there yet, and even though now she knows her limits, she still thinks she isn’t there yet. The root issue wasn’t solved.

And it’s a slight difference from the show, but it’s there, and it’s a big deal to Nana. Nana wanted to see everyone’s next stages. After Hikari joined, she thought everyone’s new selves were so enchanting, she wanted to see more. But the audition was when everyone was giving their all, and that’s not sustainable. Eventually they need to rest, but that’s not as compelling.

You... were beautiful Why... is it in past tense?!

Nana tells Junna that she used to be dazzling, and now she’s not. And this hurts Junna. Like Junna cries and I don’t think we’ve ever seen her get like that before. Because it’s Nana, and she’s the closest person Junna has. Like Nana was the one Junna didn’t have to be strong in front of after collapsing in Episode 2. So it hurts for Nana of all people to say that.

But Nana was Junna’s fan. She gave Junna so much over the years, from the food to stopping the time loops, and I guess she became disillusioned when Junna didn’t fulfill her side of that deal, to shine the brightest in the world.

It’s a tragedy how the fan-star dynamic managed to get in the way of their relationship.

Nana felt betrayed by Junna not living up to her ideal, and that hurt too. 

My Junna-chan... Isn't that kind of role! You're... not my Junna-chan. I don't need the role you've given me. All the stages you've prepared for me, I'll cut them all short! The one who's being blinded by the light is you! Because! On this stage, right now, I am, The dazzling lead, Hoshimi Junna!!

But during that revue Junna is reborn and is more motivated than ever to continue acting. But despite this growth, Nana doesn’t believe in this new change. Just like Mahiru before, Nana doesn’t care if this change is for the better, she’s still thinking of that one specific snapshot of Junna, and this just isn’t the same.

But Junna calls out Nana for not properly looking at her. She’s blinded by Junna’s past dazzling light, so she can’t appreciate this new Junna. Because yeah Junna did foolishly, incessantly reach out to become the lead, and that was admirable, but the new Junna who claims the lead herself was just as much a part of her even back then. But Nana didn’t see that before because as a fan, she latched onto what she liked, but there is more to Junna than that.

I'm the one who lost. Me, not her! Tendo Maya hasn't lost! Not to anyone! My Maya would never lose here. Maya hasn't lost!

And speaking of people who latch onto what they like and end up missing the bigger picture, let’s take a look at Claudine at the end of episode 10. For all her talk about how she was going to be the one to beat Maya, she refuses to accept that Maya lost. Because despite everything she says, Claudine actually likes that Maya can beat her. In episode 10, she admits that Maya humbled her in those auditions and is thankful that she managed to grow out of her old haughty attitude created from her prior success.

But now Maya losing is unthinkable to her, she cannot see a way that could possibly happen. Instead she blames herself for their loss, throwing away her own pride with that button if it could even give Maya a chance of advancing in the audition. Because Claudine is Maya’s fan. Claudine has been a fan of Maya ever since she lost to her, and will not accept anyone else being her star. She admires her as an actor and sees all the effort that Maya puts into being the best. She envies her position and skills, but doesn’t think that she herself is quite there yet. She thinks there’s some quality Maya has that keeps Maya from losing and Claudine just doesn’t have it, so she just keeps trying, studying Maya and training after hours, just like Maya. 

And this assumption blinds her to any other possibilities on how Maya could lose. Neither Karen nor Hikari would have beat Maya on their own, but it was how they Starlighted together that beat Maya and Claudine. And Claudine would have never thought of that as Maya’s fan. She thought she wasn’t a match for Maya, and so her defeat was guaranteed from the start.

Nah, I'm sure that Tendo-san and Claud-chan will get the lead roles again. I guess we're no match for them.

And it’s not just Claudine. Everyone is in awe of Maya’s talent. This is just how things work at Seisho. In the first episode, Karen and everyone else in the class don’t even think they even have a chance at becoming the leads this year as long as Maya and Claudine are here. 

And it’s kinda interesting that Claudine is also that star for so many of them, right? Like Claudine never thought she could win, but for everyone else they were neck and neck. And sure part of it might just be the gulf in skill between the two and everyone else, but part of it is that Claudine can’t see herself objectively, like how everyone agrees she’s on par with Maya, because she doesn’t believe she can win.

And the rest of them don’t even think they could beat her.

But it’s one thing when it’s just one play you give up on. It’s another thing when it becomes such a habit that the stage girl gives up on her future just like all those other lead roles.

Are you okay with it, Junna? Not applying for the New National. I'm no match for people like Tendo-san, and you. But, That's just for now!

At the start of their third year, Junna gives up on auditioning for New National before even applying because she knows she is not a match for actors like Maya and Claudine who are a shoo in. 

Since you're Junna, I think you can become it. At least as good as Tendo Maya.

But like, that’s not true! Claudine even says that Junna could be just as good as Maya, she just needs to let herself. And it’s not just empty words, Claudine said the same of Futaba who also managed to get in. And Futaba herself specifically names Junna as a stage girl she admires who has something she doesn’t.

And alongside that, this is also really out of character from what we’ve seen of her in the show. Like when she had to sit in the audience for the finals, she literally studies them to beat them in the future. She refused to give up even when she lost! But because of this, Junna knows better than anyone how amazing the two of them are. And she tried so hard, time and time again, and nothing came of it. It’s not hard to see how she might have lost her way when the pressure closed in on her. But Junna still has plenty of fight left in her, this isn’t it for her. She’s going to continue to study so she can one day beat them. 

But I gotta say, this isn’t like what we’ve seen before of Junna. If anything, this is Hikari behavior!

Think about it, Junna says that she won’t be able to match them, just like what Hikari thought about that performance of Starlight. But Junna still plans on continuing to study until she can one day become the lead. That was literally Hikari’s plan and why she studied at RATA so she would some day come back as a star to stand across from Karen.

And this is clearly not the right attitude since this conversation was what directly led to Nana starting the Revue of Annihilation, where she called everyone else out on not being ready for the next stage. Also it didn’t really work for Hikari either the first time.

You've been blinded by the stars you can't reach, and now, You can't see anything!

Back in the Revue of Hunting, Nana lays out what exactly happened to Junna that kept her from finding the stage where she could be the dazzling star at Seisho. Because she kept studying Maya, Claudine, Karen, and all those famous authors, she saw how great they were and lost sight of how great she is. Instead of aiming for them, she tried to avoid the brilliance of the star, but that isn’t enough if she ever wants to fulfill her dream, just like how it isn’t enough for Hikari.

The auditions haven't even started yet, so don't decide who will be playing the leads.

Because Junna said it herself in episode 1. The result hasn’t been decided yet, so Junna preemptively bowing out is just doing herself a disservice. She is essentially giving up her brilliance so she can watch someone else be the top star and shine in her place.

After all, this is all just the story of Claire and Flora. In order to get Claire's memories back, the two of them climb the tower, but right before they pluck the stars and achieve their wishes, Flora is blinded and separated from Claire and the rest of the goddess, losing everything.

That is the fate of fans and their stars.

Part 3: Okay being a fan isn’t the worst thing in the world actually

I’ve been kinda harsh on fans in this essay so far. And while it is deserved, it would be misleading for me not to mention that Flora climbs that tower after she falls and joins Claire and the Goddesses again.

Cause keep in mind, all the characters genuinely admire each other. They think all their friends are amazing actors and are constantly hyping each other up. 

Maya and Claudine acknowledge each other as rivals and as the only one skilled enough to keep up. Junna admires the two of them and is constantly learning to one day beat them. Karen and Hikari both think Mahiru is dazzling, even if she doesn’t see it yet. Kaoruko and Futaba know beyond a shadow of a doubt the other is gonna be a star. And don’t even get me started on how much Nana loved the 99th production of Starlight.

And that’s not to mention that it was because Karen was a fan of that first production of Starlight that it inspired her to stand on stage. Being a fan is not necessarily a bad thing. If anything, it keeps characters going. Claudine even says as much considering that she stagnated in her growth when she stopped chasing after Maya between their second and third years. Futaba found her own dream to become a star while following Kaoruko. It was the quotes that Junna admired that led to her creating her own words for comforting Nana in episode 9. And Nana kept winning those auditions because she wanted to see her admired 99th Starlight, again and again.

Earlier I mentioned how Junna gave up before she even started when it came to New National. There is actually another character in the same position as her, but unlike Junna, she has the same attitude towards New National from the start to the finish.

I know that it will be difficult to enter the troupe with my skill level. But... Nothing starts without people. I realized that from watching everyone else. So I can aim even higher, to the summit, My next step has to be as high as it can possibly be.

Futaba is a fan. She came to Seisho to follow Kaoruko, not because of her own ambitions, but she found them there. She wanted to become a star like Kaoruko and everyone else. Even if she’s not ready yet, she still wants to aim as high as she can and not just settle. And she learned that from everyone else. I’ve been harping on about how being a fan closes the door on opportunities by giving up before even trying, but that doesn’t have to be true. If anything, being a fan can open possibilities that the person would have never realized on their own.

All of the stage girls are fans, that’s why they decided to stand on stage. And that’s why they can understand each other.

I see... You were scared. You're the same as me, then.

Hikari has been running away from Karen for over 12 years, that’s most of her life. But it only takes 1 revue with Mahiru for her to change her tune, because Mahiru is the only one who could understand her fear.

That whole thing about being afraid of becoming Karen’s fan? That already happened to Mahiru. Compared to Karen, Mahiru thought she didn’t have any brilliance, but that isn’t true. The people closest to her, like Karen or her Grandma, never thought that for a second. They saw the best in her and pushed her to aim higher. The inadequacy was all in Mahiru’s head, and it kept her from realizing her full potential. But little by little, with encouragement from everyone around her, Mahiru got past that. She was able to find her own warm and compassionate shine. 

After all, even after their revue, Mahiru continued to take care of Karen, but also started to take care of herself. She kicked Karen out of their room because she knew Karen would make cleaning their room harder, when before she would have been so anxious if Karen ever left her side. Mahiru no longer flinched whenever Karen got close to another girl (for instance Hikari, but also take a look at how Mahiru acts around Junna in the first two episodes), and instead could be happy for her that she fulfilled her dream with Hikari. Mahiru herself managed to find and achieve her dream of joining New National. She never could have done that before when she was blinded by Karen’s brilliance. 

But it was Karen’s brilliance that soothed her nerves during that first Starlight. It was Karen who convinced Mahiru that she has her own shine in their revue. And it was Karen who introduced Mahiru to Hikari, someone she also wanted to perform with.

You were a real stage actress!

And Hikari sees that. Mahiru was Karen’s fan, but now she’s a real stage actress, not just a stage girl. Hikari can become one too, but only if she stops running away from being Karen’s fan and accepts it. 

After all, Karen’s dazzling, but she’s not all that different from Hikari. By refusing to actually look at Karen, Hikari is just cutting off her own options to become more like Karen. 

Like, throughout the series Hikari grows by being like Karen. She didn’t plan on fulfilling their promise to become stars together in the auditions, that only happened because Karen inspired her. And so, Hikari’s weapon would have never transformed and they would have never been able to beat Maya and Claudine if Hikari kept running away from Karen. Or how both of their deepest desires were to do Starlight together, and it was only because Karen was so persistent and inspiring that Hikari finally admitted it so they could perform together.

Because Hikari has so much she can learn from Karen, just like how Karen learns so much from Hikari.

Hikari was the first one to introduce Karen to the stage. Karen can only focus at Seisho because Hikari is there. Karen only learns the true ending of Claire because she tries to understand Hikari by reading the original English version of the Starlight Gatherer.

Everyone's so enthused... Like that, they're just like your average fans.

Because in the end, Revue Starlight wants the stage girls to be fans. Stage Girls need to love what they’re doing and dream big. But they just can’t stay as fans.

Hikari-chan... is so pretty... She's terrifying. Hikari-chan makes me envious, Hikari-chan makes me frustrated, And I can't take my eyes of of her. I know, now. The reason why I'm standing on stage. I have to say them, The final lines. I... don't want to lose to you either, Hikari!

At the climax of the movie, Karen admires Hikari. Her feelings about Hikari are a mess, absolutely all over the place, but Hikari is the reason they exist. Karen can’t look away from her. And although that admiration gives her the epiphany of why she stands on stage, her admiration isn’t why she wants to stand on stage. Instead, it’s because she doesn’t want to lose to Hikari.

Because admiration comes with fear of the unknown. 

In the movie, we see so much fear. Fear of where the unknown future will take them. Fear of disappointing someone else or even themself. Fear of losing something precious along the way. Fear of Mahiru. 

Karen was scared to hear about Hikari in London because there was a chance Hikari forgot about their promise. Fear kept Hikari away for over a decade because Hikari was scared she would lose herself in Karen. Mahiru was scared of what would happen to her if Karen is taken away from her. Nana was scared she would lose her friends as time passed. Junna was scared to aim too high when picking colleges because she wasn’t sure if she was ready. Futaba didn’t tell Kaoruko about her future plans because she was scared of her potential reaction, and she was also scared she wasn’t good enough as an actor. Kaoruko was about to preemptively cut ties with Futaba because she was scared they would drift apart in the future. Claudine was scared she was missing something that Maya had, and if that meant she would never be good enough. Maya was scared that her true emotion drenched appearance was ugly and was willing to throw everything about herself away to become the perfect lead. Amemiya was too scared to face everyone after being unable to finish her script. And Masai was scared that their final performance might pale in comparison to last year’s.

It’s the unknown that scares them.

But the thing is, we don’t understand the things we admire, that’s why we are drawn to them, because someone else did something and we don’t know how. And there are two types of reactions to that, the feeling that you could never do that, and or the feeling that you want to try and do that too. 

In Revue Starlight, stage girls cannot be content with just being a fan in the audience, they must become a rival, because they want to perform like that too, no even better than that!

Karen doesn’t want to lose to Hikari, so she needs to find a new stage to put on a performance to challenge her. She can’t just give up because she doesn't know how to start. Even if she doesn’t have her future planned out, that feeling is the start of what’s needed.

And you know what, the Revue Starlight Movie is absolutely the product of this idea, because the people who made Revue Starlight are fans themselves, they love films and performances, but they weren’t just satisfied with that. They wanted to make something that wouldn’t lose to anything they saw before.

Part 4: Revue Starlight is about performances and is a performance so let’s get metatextual 

Revue Starlight wears its influences on its sleeves, from the Takarazuka to Utena, and it’s proud of it. (Or so I’ve heard. I haven’t actually seen either of them yet but I swear I’m gonna get to watching them eventually). But the movie goes even farther with the revues referencing genres like Yakuza films or events like the Olympics, and even specific scenes and vibes from films such as Mishima, King Louis XIV Le Roi Danse, and Mad Max: Fury Road. Revue Starlight doesn’t worry about never being as good as those movies, instead it uses them to tell its own story.

(If you would like to read about more of the references of the movie and how they are used you should definitely read the Borrowed Brilliance essay. It actually goes into a lot of the things I wrote in this essay, I just only remembered it existed after writing most of this so whoops. But it is still really good and I think more people should read it.)

I'm really scared about whether we can surpass that Starlight! It's the last stage we'll create with just us, the 99th Class! Until the end, I want to create it together with everyone!

During the kick off party, Masai admits she’s scared if their next production won’t be as amazing as their last one. But still, she wants to make it. She refuses to get caught up in her admiration of something that already existed. Instead she wants to do what she can now, to use that inspiration and make a production that someday rivals that stage. Because only you can make what you create. 

Even if someone else could do it better, even if you can’t do it as well as you hoped, you are the one making it, and like it or not, that’s going to include everything, from your own experiences to your own struggles. You’ll have to make compromises and won’t get everything exactly the way you want it. You won't be able to properly explain what’s in your head to your collaborators and ideas will get lost. You’ll look back in a year and think of everything you did wrong and how you would’ve done it better now. 

But you made it. And it’s out there. And someone out there will see it and they won’t know any of the struggles you faced while making it. They’ll just see the finished product. And they’ll have thoughts about it. And they might not even know the original works that inspired you to create either, that you are trying to rival.

And your work is going to be out there.

You're making a terrible face. But, You've written this much. It's great, Amemiya-san! I want to say this goddess's line!

When you compare your work to the others, you can’t think you’ll never be able to match them. That’s not gonna get you anywhere. Instead you need to want to rival those works someday. That’s the only way you’ll be able to put out something you can be proud of.

And that is what Revue Starlight wants out of fans.

[horsemenoftheapocalypse-if]

(First ever collaboration IF between the Author of King's Despair and Dragon's Edged.)

Writer's Links: Dragon's Edged & King's Despair

(Warning: 18+ The story includes the following: Violence, , self-doubt, cliché’s, child abuse, torture, trauma and many more will be added in the future.)

Kroz&Author

"Greetings, Reader!

You are about to enter a world of darkness, danger, and deception.

A world where a child has been sold to the most powerful underworld company known as the Fates. A world where you will have to make life-or-death decisions for them. This is not a typical story of an orphan or a survivor.

This is a story of a child who has to learn how to kill, lie, and manipulate in order to survive in the dark side of New York City. A city where crime never sleeps and where the Fates control everything from the shadows.

You are not just a passive observer of this story. You are an active participant. You are the voice, the intuition, the gut feeling of the child protagonist. You will have to guide them through their trials and tribulations, their choices and consequences, their victories and defeats. But be careful, Reader.

The Fates are watching your every move. They have plans for you and the child. Plans that may not end well for either of you.

Are you ready to take on this challenge, Reader? Are you ready to face the Fates? Reader I beckon you to join them on this extraordinary adventure, where danger lurks at every turn, and the stakes are unimaginably high.

Through your unwavering presence, you will empower our young hero to face their fears, outsmart their enemies, and ultimately shape their own destiny.

Prepare yourself for a thrilling and immersive experience. Brace for the adrenaline-pumping encounters, the unexpected alliances, and the heart-wrenching decisions that will test the limits of our protagonist's resilience.

The fate of our young protagonist lies in your hands. Choose wisely, for their life depends on it. Decided are we?

Then come closer, and let me tell you more about this story…"

Introduction:

You were a kid, was a kid, now your a cold-blooded killing machine.

Dispensing justice and vengeance using your guns and knives. A modern robin hood you ask? Nope your not wearing any leotard pants or cap.

You're a merciless executioner, killing anyone who crosses your way. But underneath all that bloodshed and brutality, you still have a soft spot for kids.

It all started when you were taken by a prolific assassin, who decided to make you his protege. Armed with guns and knives, he taught you how to kill, track and hunt. But there was one rule that he made you live by, "No children, we never hurt them". That code fueled your respect for the man.

Through rigorous training, you became an expert in sharpshooting, knife throwing, and stealth. You even surpassed the master assassin, becoming the leader of your own hit squad. Together you and him started cleaning the streets from drugs, hoodlums, pimps and mafias. That made you a hero to the poor and downtrodden. But you were known by the authorities as a murderer and vigilante.

Despite all the havoc you reaped, you kept your code. Whenever you had a child captive, you would send them back to their families or orphanage. But one day, rumors of a powerful entity known as "The Fate's" were spreading they deal with guns, prostitution, alcohol, guns for hire, and mercenaries.

It was said that they're the Top Dog of the black market, the consigners of death and terrorisms. You know because your were one of the victims in their child trafficking business.

Now it's up to you to take down "The Fates", the only problem is that you couldn't seem to find any hard evidence against them. It was rumored that they cover their tracks so meticulously.

Until one day a member of their organization was sent to the hit list.

The client? The Fates their selves wanting to kill one their own. Yet there is one problem, your just still a rookie under the eyes of your teacher and he's not getting any younger.

"We need you to get a team and a back-up plan," your mentor said. "To get to The Fates, we need to be ready for everything they throw at us."

Despite his worring tone, you were confident that you can end this once and for all.

Now it's up to the great assassin and their protege, to bring the dark side of the world to light and serve justice to those who deserve it.

"It's time, kiddo," he smirked as he patted your back. "You've proven yourself more than ready for what's ahead, you will be leading this team but under my supervision of course!"

This was an exciting step towards finally taking down the Fates. With your mentor and you leading the team, you were sure it will be successful. After all, this was his legacy, and you will be a part of it. Together, you and him gathered a group of skilled mercenaries, sharpshooters, and information brokers.

You knew it wasn't going to be an easy mission. The Fates were known for their ruthless methods and their underhand tactics. To take them down, you needed to be able to outsmart them.

But this wasn't a rite of passage or even a battle of egos. This was a race against time, a race to save countless souls like you, who were trapped and used for the Fates' twisted plans.

Elizabeth Baker, The Rider of Death

"Appearances can be deceiving. I don't have to be gentle with my words to save your life."

She was once a respected doctor at a prestigious hospital, admired by colleagues and loved by patients. Her passion for saving lives and talent for surgery were well-known. However, everything changed when she uncovered the hospital's dark truth. They were charging exorbitant fees while using second-hand equipment and expired drugs. The medical director was involved in a corruption scheme, siphoning off millions of dollars.

When Elizabeth confronted him, he responded with threats and violence. In self-defense, she accidentally killed him with a scalpel. Fleeing the scene, she left behind her career and reputation, going into hiding. In the underworld, she became a freelance doctor, offering services to criminals and outcasts.

Operating in secret locations, she used whatever tools and resources she could find. Her prices were high, but she maintained high standards. Morality and legality didn't matter to her clients as long as they paid well and respected her rules. With a sharp tongue and a cold heart, she became the most sought-after doctor in the underworld.

Over time, her skills grew, and she began performing complex procedures like organ transplants and limb replacements. You and your mentor have made countless deals with Death, even cheating him a few times, so you know how to handle someone like her.

~

Nate O'Neil, The Rider Of Conquest

"The beauty of an explosion's light surpasses that of a sunrise!"

Nate is an unpredictable force within the group. He excels at causing explosions and demolishing obstacles, making him the go-to person for such tasks. Nate embodies chaos and has a twisted love for destruction.

Recklessness defines Nate. He thrives in dangerous situations, embracing the adrenaline rush that comes with each explosive endeavor. With a devil-may-care attitude, he charges into any situation, leaving destruction in his wake. His disregard for personal safety often leaves his comrades on edge, unsure of what he might do next.

Nate's passion for pyrotechnics is unmatched. He finds beauty in the chaos and destruction that fire brings, taking pleasure in watching things go up in flames. His eyes light up at explosions, and his laughter echoes through the chaos as he revels in the fiery spectacle. He is a true pyromaniac, using the world as his canvas to paint with flames.

But Nate is not just a reckless demolition expert; he is also the life of the party. With his larger-than-life personality, he fills the room with infectious energy. His boisterous laughter and dark jokes keep everyone entertained, even in dire circumstances. Nate can turn any situation into a comedy show, ensuring there is never a dull moment.

He possesses an innate talent for determining the right amount of explosive power needed to achieve the desired result, whether it's breaching a secure facility or creating a distraction with a chaotic firework display.

Nate is also one of the most loyal members of the group. He always has their back, regardless of the situation. He willingly puts himself in harm's way to protect his comrades and will fight fiercely for them if necessary. His bravery knows no bounds, and while his recklessness can sometimes lead to trouble, it is ultimately his heroic actions that make him the beloved daredevil he is today. Nate O'Neil is a wild card, a dynamo of destruction, and the heart of humor in the group. He reminds everyone that even in the darkest times, laughter and explosions can still exist, and he is always ready to ignite excitement wherever he goes.

~

Haley Jones, The Rider Of Famine

"When I look through the scope, all I see is you."

Haley, a Texan country girl, was born and raised on a ranch. She had a fiery spirit and a talent for precision. While she was no stranger to hard work and the thrill of the open fields, it was the touch of cold metal and the weight of a sniper rifle that truly ignited her passion.

From a young age, Haley displayed an uncanny talent for marksmanship. Her ability to hit headshots with unwavering accuracy earned her the title of the best sniper in her town's academy. Instead of pursuing a military career, Haley chose to become an assassin, targeting key figures who committed heinous acts.

Haley's movements were as precise as her shots. She never missed a target and always completed her missions efficiently. Her sass and flirtatiousness added to the mystique that surrounded her. She often used her curves to distract opponents, giving her time to get into optimal shooting position. People said that if you heard Haley's rifle, it was already too late - you had been marked and there was no escaping your fate.

Despite being an elite assassin, Haley never lost sight of her roots. She took pride in her Texan heritage and maintained a strong work ethic. After every assignment, she would return home to the ranch to decompress from the chaos. Among familiar faces, she would tend to the fields or go horseback riding, finding solace in the simplicity of her upbringing.

~

David Garcia, The Rider Of War

"I don't engage in meaningless conversations. Prove your worth or go away."

David is a mysterious and versatile individual. In private, he is quiet and reserved, preferring simple communication. However, during missions, he surprises even his closest allies with his various personas.

David is quick-witted and can easily become a charismatic trickster. With his clever wordplay and silver tongue, he can turn the tide of a battle without using force.

Flirtation comes naturally to David, and he uses it to manipulate and gather information. It's hard to determine his true intentions when encountering him.

Regardless of the roles he assumes, David is always dedicated to completing his missions. He will do whatever it takes to accomplish his tasks, whether it's infiltrating an enemy stronghold or uncovering a sinister plot.