#we do call each other but there's just something different to meet someone irl

[becausebuckley]

michelle's buddie fic recs: week 47!

...plus a very special non-buddie fic!! an excellent reading week, once again. the 911 fandom has so many incredible writers!

this is a mix of fics with all ratings, so some include NSFW content. please take a look at both the ratings and the fic tags before reading! some might also contain spoilers for season 8.

if you come across something you like in this list, remember to show some love to the author by leaving kudos and a comment!

and i need you more than want you (and i want you for all time) | dykeries/@buddiesbian| 25.9k | E

Buck and Eddie's relationship changes over a series of phone calls. Along the way, their family finds its way back home to each other. there's something about phone calls for buddie that just hits so hard... doesn't matter if they're sex calls or emotional calls. this fic is so good, i devoured it!!

ball games | thesquinky | 8.4k | T

buck takes eddie to that lakers game, after all. buck and eddie at the lakers game!! kiss cams!! i was crossing my fingers someone would write a fic exactly like this and it did not disappoint <3

been there, done that (once or twice) | kaistinlove/@kaistinlove | 21.6k | E

the one where Buck wants to make a boudoir album and enlists Eddie's help as a photographer. i clicked on this SO FAST when i saw it!! so good so hot so perfect

DIAZ | mandolare/@confessionseddie | 3k | E

Buck wears the wrong jacket. buck needs to always wear the wrong jacket imo <3 so lovely!!

hold me like water | singomuse7 | 6.3k | T

Eddie's not the most oblivious person in the world and instantly understands what that closet joke meant, and instead of crashing out and blowing his life up about it, he gives Buck sensible advice and breaks up with Marisol. Cue 6k words of gay crisis during madney's wedding. i love love love this fic's eddie so much <3 so good!!

i belong with you, you belong with me (you're my sweetheart) | Distressed_Ladybug15/@cadiebug | 1.4k | GA

For a second they just stand there, staring into Chris’ room, then Buck tips his head back and to the side so he can meet Eddie’s eyes. “Hi,” he mumbles, voice hoarse and overused from work. i needed a little hurt/comfort like this a couple of days ago and it hit the spot perfectly <3

jee- yun's big day | rainbow_nerds/@rainbow-nerdss | 6k | GA

“So, Jee,” Mommy says. “You remember how we visited Daddy at work before?” Jee-Yun nods. “Captain Bobby says you can come to work with me for a whole day!” Daddy looks excited, and Jee thinks about it. Daddy’s work is pretty fun, she thinks. Captain Bobby cooked some really yummy pasta, and Uncle Buck is always there, and so are Aunt Hen and Uncle Eddie. THIS FIC. this fic is the non-buddie inclusion of this week but honestly i don't even care, i need everyone to read it immediately. the loveliest cutest jee ever, and such a lovely ensemble of characters around her <3

make a spark (break the dark) | prettyunhinged | 4.9k | E

Eddie is gay. Tommy sucks. Buck and Eddie frot about it on the couch. this fic is how i realised that there's an ao3 tag especially for eddie's couch and honestly, she deserves it <3 so hot so buddie so good!!

my home is your body | coldbam/@coldbam | 16.6k | E

Buck and Eddie have vastly different nights at Pride. Then very similar summers. this was a reread and it still hits so very hard. the ultimate buddie fwb fic!!

my man says he loves me (never says he loves me not) | colonoscopys/@colonoscopys | 9.7k | GA

croakett: I don’t know what to do tubbalubb: me neither He stares at the screen. Is this the correct time to bring up Buck’s abs? buddie online friendship AND irl friendship?? sign me right up wow i love this!! they're so silly and they love each other so much <3

please, please, please | bookinit/@bookinit02 | 8.7k | E

buck doesn’t touch eddie anymore. eddie’s losing it, a little bit. honestly eddie i'd lose it too. this fic combines pining and getting together and touch-starvation so basically if there was a venn diagram of my favourite fic tropes this would be right in the middle <3

red + white + boom | onlythemessenger | 3k | T

Unexpected fireworks catch Eddie off guard after a bad week. Buck and Bobby help him through the aftermath. bobbyeddie friendship my most beloved <3 love how this fic portrays them!!

this mortal coil (shuffle) | eirabach/@eirabach | 20.1k | M

Maddie was never supposed to be Buck’s mother. Eddie was never allowed to be his anything. But three minutes and seventeen seconds later, here they are. this fic hurt but in the best way. love maddie here in particular <3

this world turns over | dottie_weewoo/@dottie-wan-kenobi | 4.8k | T

Before Buck stands up fully, Eddie reaches out with his good hand to pet Christopher’s hair, pushing a few strands out of his face. “Goodnight, mijo,” he whispers, getting only a mumble in response. A soft smile steals over his face, his eyes moving from his son to Buck. “Hey, Buck?” domestic and wonderful <3 this was a lovely morning read on the bus earlier this week!!

we are bound | EiraLloyd/@unlifeira | 7.2k | T

Every human was born with a prophecy. That was the deal, or so they taught at school. But Evan knew better. He wasn’t born with a prophecy. He’d asked and asked and asked, but his parents shrugged every time, and eventually, Evan stopped asking. Why bother when he already knew the answer he’d get? i love the style and structure of this fic so so much, it's gorgeously written!! a true treat <3

you're looking like you fell in love tonight | devirnis/@devirnis | 1.1k | GA

There’s an arm slung across his waist, a head on his shoulder, soft hairs tickling the underside of his jaw. He breathes in, the cobwebs of sleep slowly dissolving in his brain, and he smells — Eddie. i did fall in love tonight and it was with this fic <3 so so lovely!!

[psychelis-new]

pick a pile: "People's first impression of you"

take a breath and choose the photo or number that calls you the most to read what kind of first impression you generally leave on people you randomly meet both irl and online. Please beware I will focus on your person's first impression of you in another pac. There're similar pacs on Instagram (@/psychelis.new) too, if you need confirmations or a different outlook.

Music channeling has to be taken mostly for vibes/titles this time

don’t take the reading too seriously. only take what resonates with you and leave the rest. if you're not called by any pile, let this reading slid as it may not hold messages for you. if you're called by more than one pile, there may be messages in each of those piles. remember that is a general reading and some things may not resonate with you. energies can change and readings are based on present ones (as you read); you're always in charge of your life.

(photos found on unsplash)

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1 2 3 4 - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ -

pile 1

People sees you as someone determined and passionate. You may come out as a very powerful person, strong-willed (especially in your career/studies) and they may feel you are quite the leader. Some may feel intimidated by you even, but still deeply respect you and be inspired by you in a way. You may be considered as impulsive sometimes, and a bit stand-offish, but this comes mostly from people that kinda envy you. I do think you are kinda considerate and pretty grounded, at least on most days. Some people may be attracted by you, you probably emanate this light of security and confidence that attracts people; and you may be also kinda seen as someone who is able to reach anything in their life and doesn't have many problems (you may be a private person). I do think there's something in the way you dress, in your smile or look, that really shows your confidence (when we do something we love and aren't self conscious but focus on that, we do look confident no matter if we feel we are or not) and people really likes that. It could also be the way you dance or your body moves when you're with friends or something.

song: you're the one that i want | lo-fang

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pile 2

You're a sweet caring type, maybe a bit shy, but still very warm to others and deeply respectful. Your energy is a bit nervous at times, it could be for social situations in particular. A little "all over the place", like you may forget stuff and then remember all of a sudden once you're doing something else (and need to interrupt what you're doing to move on that other subject). People think you're cute though. You may be on the little side (you're short/thin/small) but it doesn't have to be. The way you act makes you look in need to be protected and comforted. You are youthful too, your smile is so very kind and warm, but somehow you tend to fear showing it at times (probably you're a bit insecure about your appearance and try to downplay yourself or you try to hide yourself... you may not enjoy too much staying under the spotlight). You are seen as someone very positive but also kinda moody, with lots of energy's ups and downs. People notice when you feel uneasy or something troubles you. At times you may fear being too much, especially when you're hyped. But you're not (and if someone sees you as so, it's not on you). People feel good when being with you, you're "comfortable" (people may randomly open up to you). You know how to make people feel at ease/seen. You may bring hope to people just through your presence.

song: until i found you | stephen sanchez

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pile 3

People sees you as warm, joyful and optimistic. You're also giving grounded and kinda "mature" vibes. It's like... you let others see you without many filters, you know where to put a fullstop or put boundaries to others (many may wrongly label you because of this as cold or rude). You value your space and you don't let others' opinions of you affect you too much. People may see you as giving and also as deserving of good things. You look very warm-hearted, you probably support others in some way or volunteer. You trust your guts more often than not and people sees you as brave too. You look very collected and even after sharing a few words, they may fall for your mind and the way you articulate your words and thoughts. You're very determined and positive. You don't mind being seen for who you are or to comfort others through your personal experience. They see you as someone important in their life and many would like to keep you in their life for as long as possible. You may inspire others with your words and many may try to copy you or use your words as if they were theirs. You don't seem too annoyed though. You're not that easily annoyed or worried (or if you are at first, you have learned how to deal with it and look at it from a different perspective). You may even get haters but you don't give them what they want. [feels like you're kinda "famous" and have fans and haters, even just after first impressions]

song: what you heard | sonder

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pile 4 (this pile is longer but there's a reason)

You seem pretty reserved, even closed off. You probably are in an hermit period or you just don't trust others very much. It may be also that you're healing parts of yourself and you are more on your own, and despite you'd like to not feel alone, you kinda ended up into this cycle/habits of closing off to others. You may be a bit too fixed in your mentality. It's black or white and nothing else. You need to like or dislike something (or someone), there's no space for uncertainty... as if uncertainty was something unbearable. It feels too unsafe for you (root chakra unbalanced). You think through boxes. The fact that other possibilities may exist, seems a concept that is too far from you: the fact that grey may exists as well and be as correct as black or white, is strange... no, it's almost impossible. So this is what happens with people too: you may start talking with someone but if they don't check all the points of your list and think exactly as you even on things like pineapple on pizza, you kinda tell yourself "No, this is not a good person for me". But people are just people: they can have a trait that annoys us and we can still love them anyway. You need to learn on what you can compromise out of your values. Be a little more accepting and welcoming. If you don't let your guard down a little, nobody will dare to climb the walls you have buildt around you and will leave. Let's suppose you like someone and you'd like to know them better: would you like to have to do all the work by yourself? Come up with what to ask, where to go, and maybe not get any answer or reaction... it'd feel like they don't care and you're talking to a wall and wasting time, right? I'm sure this behaviour you have picked up originates from a trauma of some kind, so I hope you can find out how to deal with it and heal it, at least a bit. Step by step, slowly but with determination. Be kind with yourself if you fall back into that habit here and there on your path, it's fine. It's not something one stops doing in a day or a couple of months. Give yourself (and others) time. You immediately close off to others the moment you feel "betrayed" cause they say something you don't agree with... give them time to show you who they are for real and don't take it all so personally. It doesn't have to be all about you (not in a bad way, you may feel attacked by random comments/ideas cause you feel unsafe/don't agree and fear being pushed into the person's "dislike"-box. So you dislike them first to avoid that... but that's unnecessary). People do like you, they think very well of you all the times ("you're interesting"); but you need to stop worrying about their judgement and not scare them away cause of your fear of letting them in. Let in also people you may find different from you and may "trigger" you. You don't have to become close friends or have a romantic relationship with them (nor with anyone entering your life even just by chance), you can just have a chat and learn to be more open and accepting of other povs and thoughts (nobody is here to change yours, unless you feel the need to for yourself).

song: bravado | lorde

[pippenpaddlopsicopolisthethird]

Write twins better in three easy steps!

I meet so many people who act so stupid about this to my face, and I basically never see a set of identical twins that are well written in fiction, so here's a couple tips about identical twins. Mostly as a reference for writing them, but also so you can tell people to stop acting like an asshole to any twins you might know IRL.

FACT ONE:

Identical twins are two separate people.

Not one brain in two bodies

Not a hivemind that can read each other's thoughts

They don't speak in unison all the time (but might answer together if you address them as a collective and not an individual)

If they date they don't share the same partner

Can't be counted as one person for the sake of entry admission, airplane seating, employment, school tuition, or voting

Have their own names, even, and would prefer you use them instead of calling them both by the same collective name

I am eternally mad about We-Go from Kim Possible

FACT TWO:

Identical twins don't struggle telling themselves apart from each other. Your difficulty telling them apart is not something they have ever experienced themselves.

They understand the difference between looking at themself in the mirror and looking at their twin.

Yes, even as a young child.

No, they didn't have to learn the difference between a mirror and their sibling.

They never believe their twin to be themself.

They don't struggle to see themself as their own person.

They don't feel like they're looking at their own face all the time.

They don't have constant thoughts about how their sibling looks similar to themself.

The scene from The Parent Trap where one "twin" says 'OMG why do you look just like me??' just isn't realistic

FACT THREE:

Identical twins are, as a rule, not trying to actively deceive you and are sick of people assuming that.

Your difficulty in telling them apart does not mean they are trying intentionally to trick you or make you mess up

They also aren't trying to scare you or murder you and they won't like you if you tell them you're afraid of them

Dating a twin doesnt mean you're going to be parent-trapped (and if you can't tell your partner apart from their sibling, that's not a good look on you)

Some twins just go with the assumptions everyone else is making about them already and play into the stereotype, especially as kids

Literally every fictional pair of identical twins are tricksters already. Come up with something original.

Twins can still be compelling characters without leaning on these tropes

Writing a compelling pair of identical twins doesn't have to be hard if you either write them like other siblings, or understand that the stereotypes that circulate in fiction are some of the biggest issues they struggle against. Here are some good examples of compelling twin plots that I can think of, though not all of these characters are twins or identical:

Mabel's fear at the end of Gravity Falls that growing up meant that her brother would grow apart from her

Stanley Pines struggling to measure up to his parent's favoritism of his brother throughout childhood, but still dedicating his adult life to getting him back when he went missing

Ty Lee running away to join the circus so she could have an identity outside of her parents' curated "matched set" of siblings in AtLA

Vash and Knives in Trigun '99 experiencing the same childhood traumas and interpreting them differently, coming away from them with opposing ideologies in adulthood

Hikaru and Kaoru's trauma over being told they were interchangeable and their desire to find someone who would treat them as individuals in Ouran High School Host Club

[allthislove]

Aight,

Since the Loustack crackship is kinda bare on tumblr (it has a LOT of fics on Ao3, though!) I might write a couple of drabbles or something. If you know me IRL (or you've seen my posts on here), I'm working on some actual writing. Which is why I didn't want to do some fanfic. But I think it could be fun, and I miss writing fanfic.

As far as the Loustack controversies I've seen? I have mostly seen a little pushback on other socials. The crackship isn't big enough for more people to be mad. But some of them have been.

"Stack isn't gay!"

Which--- Human Stack wasn't gay/queer as far as we know. But being a vampire changes people. And also, being immortal, or functionally immortal, can alter your view on sexuality and pleasure. That's why so many vampires in fiction are essentially bisexual/pansexual. Also, it's fan fiction. Anything can happen in fan fiction. It does not need to be canon, BY FAR. I've seen every type of AU. MPREG. Plenty of "fix it fic." Fan fiction is INSPIRED BY the source material, but only needs to honor canon as much as the writer wants it to. The beauty of it is, you don't have to read any fic at all. So, it doesn't matter if someone makes their version of Stack queer and interested in Louis.

"The vampire lore is different!"

Yeah, it is. So? You could easily explain that by saying they're two different types/species of vampire. Problem solved.

"They wouldn't like each other!"

That's called an "enemies to lovers" trope. Next.

"They are both hard-headed and would lead each other into trouble."

And that's not a fun story?

"It minimizes/dismisses Louis' relationship with Lestat!"

... a crackship? To reiterate, Louis and Stack are not from the same universe. They will never meet in either canon. What someone writes in a fan work will not affect Louis' relationship with Lestat in the real AMC IWTV canon.

"Y'all are just putting them together because they're both Black vampires."

Yeah. And also because they're both hot. That's what fanfic is for. It's for going "oooh, they're hot! What if they fucked?" (Well... that's not the ONLY thing it's for, but it's a good place for it. ) But also, them meeting actually works really well, because they are both Gulf region Black vampires and Stack is turned in the 1930s, when we know Louis is already moping around New Orleans. Y'all do know Mississippi and Lousiana are right next to each other, right? It would honestly be extremely easy for them to meet. And considering how deep the vampire lore of Lousiana/New Orleans goes, and with Stack being a new vampire and all, it wouldn't even be far fetched for him to head to New Orleans to see if he could learn more about people like him. After all, Remmick is not around to teach him and Mary anything about how to be a vampire or anything.

Louis might be trouble, but so is Stack, and that's the fun of it.

"Why y'all gotta make everything gay?"

Because it's fun.

Anway. That's it. I might write a drabble or two.

[polyamorousmood]

Hello! Im poly but not as much in touch with the community so I thought id ask someone more experienced in a way instead of overthinking for weeks lol hope thats no issue since its not rlly a irl thing

Im making a comedy comic and I want there to be a joke where the main cast travels alot and anytime they say "we'll need help In x location" one of the poly characters keeps on saying "don't worry guys I have a girlfriend in there, she'll help us" and through the comic he has like 20+ girlfriends in all these diffrent locations, while its suppoust to be a lil joke i want to make sure it's not going into harmful territory so I thought id ask someone more in the community since while i am poly i also do recognize that im not above making stupid mistakes like that

Ah the overthinking and comedy are a duo i fear ToT

I personally fucking love that.

I can't promise no one else could conjure something to make it ✨️Problematique✨️ in their head, of course, but I think it's funny and cute for a comedy comic! I'd say go for it! Couple considerations below the cut that come to mind if you're trying to make "good poly rep", but these aren't hard and fast rules

Okay first thing for "good poly rep" is when we see the girlfriends, I'd show them being cutesy together😍!! They should be excited to see each other! Depending on the woman, maybe have pet names, inside jokes, etc. You don't have to belabor the point by stopping the action for eight pages every time we meet a girlfriend. I can think of several pithy ways that work well for a comedy comic (every time we meet a girlfriend, a shot of him exclaiming increasingly bizarre pet names and running into each other's arms, for example).

Secondly. I think it's fine if you leave the bit as it is, but if I were reading as a poly person, I'd be hoping for some other little indication all these girlfriends actually still matter to the character when they dont matter to the plot. Even just another throw away gag. He's going out Christmas shopping and comes home with an actual pack mule full of presents because he has so many partners to buy for (or vice versa, he has dozens of presents under his Christmas tree that are all covered in hearts and signed by different names. Or both). Or something like that. Maybe we see his phone calendar and it just COVERED in "phone call with Emily" "video chat Monique." He ends upbin the hospital and there's a line out the door for his visitors. Whatever. Even if it was a single-frame thing, I'd LOSE MY MIND. Totally optional, but it's something I would squee about 😁

Basically, it boils down to, make all these girlfriends... girlfriends. Otherwise it feels not super distinct from womanizing.

Hope that helps!! Good luck!! I'd LOVE to see this comic, please shoot me a link!

[sacredswords]

Hello. Welcome to the blog, sacredswords. Wish I could've gotten us a better url but. Look where we are. hh. So anyways— this blog is dedicated to me and my friends who happen to be chosens of the Swords of Justice. Like. From Unova . We all share this blog so everyone will be posting.

Um, please specify who you're sending parcel to! I'm a little scared how it'll work, and I don't want someones mail to get mixed up— so please just specify! It's me— Sunday— writing this, but everyone else will have intros.

⚔️ Hi. Yeah. Speaking of, Sunday. That's me. Cobalion chose me. No cool powers come from it, I've actually felt worse since then. He/him. 19. Not in college right now, not interested... I'm still a busy guy though.

⚔️ Oh, uhh. My posts are tagged with #slice and dice / legends. watch me. If that isn't obvious, I start my posts with the first two words in blue.

Hiya! My name is Sabre, lovely to meet you!

Pronouns are she/they, I'm 20, and I'm the chosen of Virizion! The best sword, of course! In my very humble opinion anyways <3

You don't get to know about my personal life though. You have to find that out yourself, hehe! Do know my posts are in green though, and if you just do happen to have bad eyes, my posts are tagged with #As leaves fall. Excited to meet you all! ✨

YO! What’s up I’m Finnick chosen of Terrakion and use He/Him pronouns! I’m 18 years old, and definitely the strongest here!

I actually did get a big of super strength from Terrakion which rules! Fresh out of highschool as well! My posts will be tagged with #Finn says

HI. MY NAME IS. Well. uh. ACTUALLY JUST CALL ME SOMETHING TO DO WITH SWORDS!! or like. KEldeo kid. OR somethin. I DUNNO. I HAVE A KELDEO THOUGH SO THATS COOL. workin on. other things. FINNY SAYS THAT HES THE STRONGEST BUT ITS ME. Oh pronouns are. They and them. Or. YEAH THAT. my posts are gonna beee in blue 'n red!

Well. MY tags are gonna beee. something. #Keldeo kicks

open below

hello chat, adon here

welcome to group blog with my friends!!

we wanted to make chosen ocs and look where we are. please keep in mind that some things on a group blog are finicky and i dont exactly expect this to act functional on a website like this. additionally, remember that this is a pkmn irl/rotomblr blog! please keep ( post ) interactions limited to said community

before you interact, each mun is going to specify exactly what interaction or boundaries they have. pleassseee read through them and actually pay mind to them!!!

adon/sunday - hi!! all interaction (mail, malice, m!a) are allowed ... i may be picky with m!a on here though. nothing too nsfw/explicit, im a minor. any trigger warnings for sunday are just terrible/abusive parenting. my hub is @adonverse

castor/sabre - Hello!! I'm Castor, he/they/it, and I run @psn-stalling!!! I'm accepting most mail and whatnot, but will be rather picky with magic anons! Uhhh suggestive stuff is okay, but use common sense and whatnot. :3 Also I will note Sabre's personality is loosely based on another character's from a totally different franchise for sillies so if you end up noticing that that's why <3

somnus/finnick -hallo, so first all interactions are welcome. Suggestive asks will be okay but nothing to bad. If you’re ever unsure on what to say just send an ask :) my main is @somnussayz

Lane/Keldeo Kid - Hullo!!! I except most interaction (mail & malice) but I'm gonna say no on Magic anons, unless they're particularly funny (AND NON-PERMANENT!!) No nsfw/explicit, the kid is. Well. A kid. Haven't decided exactly what is Up with them yet, but there'll probably be some trigger warnings eventually. If something goes untagged and it should be tagged, please let me know, I'm not good at judging that sort of thing. My main is @wandering-lane!

extra notes

them, in the order they were introduced

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for not believing my friends new boyfriends "backstory"

I 20(F) am very close friends with a girl (20F) who we will call Alex. Alex recently got out of a really bad relationship with someone our age, and jumped very quickly into a new relationship with a man 14 years older than her, who we will call Ben. Alex and Ben are in the same community college class, and have known each other for 2 years as friends.

I have never actually met Ben. I am at a college several hours away and Alex is one of those people who like to keep friends she's made in different parts of her life separate from each other, like school friends all know each other but don't mix with collage friends, who don't mix with work friends etc. She says it's an autism thing but idk. She doesn't do this this romantic partners tho, she introduces them to all her friends and she's keen for me and Ben to meet now.

Recently, Alex has been telling me more about Ben, all the normal relationship stuff you'll tell your friends. He seems to be a lot better than her previous partner, but the bar is in hell, so it's not difficult to be a better partner (or person) than the previous guy. But idk a lot of the stories about his life she's told sound very far fetched? Like not impossible but more likely to happen in a soap opera than real life, you know?

The story that pushed me over the edge into complete scepticism was that apparently Ben had been online dating someone for several years who died unexpectedly, and their mother took over their computer after their death and pretended to be them for over a year until the mother died and lawyers involved in her will contacted Ben, and the mothers plot was revealed.

Now... that might not be impossible, but I'm smelling bullshit. When i have online dated before, we've spoken on voice chats, and on facetime, via Snapchats etc - did none of that happen for over a year? No new photos in over a year? Was this mother faking to all their mutual friends - some of which were IRL apparently- too or were they all in on it? Also, who is this mother who can perfectly copy her child's texting style, so much so that their long term partner didn't see a change? I know my mother and I text very differently, and the evil mother in this story was have been in her late 50s at the time, so I highly doubt that she and her mid-twenties child just so happened to text exactly the same way. Alex says Ben is rly into memes and meme culture too, and I really really doubt that a late 50s mother - grieving mother no less - is just going to instantly understand meme culture to the point where he wouldn't notice that his "partner" was behaving differently. Also, a lawyer is not going to an Internet boyfriend first when dealing with wills. They just arent. The whole thing sounds either fake, extremely exaggerated.

Alex did not take it well when I (gently) tried to point out the weird bits in this story. She got very defensive and claimed I was judging Ben just based on his age and looking for something to be upset about, and that I'm disrespecting his trauma by being sceptical. She said that because I've never met him I'm projecting bad vibes towards him based on my own assumptions. Idk maybe she's right and I'm being unkind AITA?

What are these acronyms?

[d3cay1ngst4tic]

it's YOUR turn 🫵🏽 (for jitoru and/or jisugu hehe)

heaven sent ৻ꪆ how did you and your lover meet?

ribbon ৻ꪆ what kind of gifts do they buy you? what gifts do you buy them?

cinnamon ৻ꪆ what pet names do they call you? what pet names do you call them?

(take your time answering <3)

hi, darling. i love you. <- coughs up blood and dies. anyways.

NWNWNWNWN the questions are so nice. . . i’ll include jitoru and jisugu, if that’s no bother. c:<

#1 how did you and your lover meet?

okay, uh. . some lore drop time (?)

i’ll go with jitoru first.

i think it’s a pretty long way back to talk about when we first met, actually. so y’know how toru was this posh kid in a kimono and haunting eyes ? yeah. so this kid goes to the annual festivals in winter, just like every year.

i was pretty much a homey child when i was younger, so i didn’t travel much. however,, on some special occasion, i did go to my relative’s house which is sort of close to where the festival takes place. and not to mention, i was a . . uh, let’s just say that i didn’t take shit.

so this guy and i run into each other in makeshift aquarium in the event. not a huge amount of fish, but just enough to keep you fascinated <- who am i to talk. and not to mention, i can be an insufferable nerd when it comes to random knowledge about nature— in my early days, i often used to mumble their names and spew out of context shi related to the said organism to myself.

so this guy hears it and goes (in a very offhand and irritated manner): “what are you saying?”

jiah gremlin: “i’m just saying their names.”

toru gremlin: “those sound like spells rather than names. are you a witch or something?”

jiah gremlin: extreme side eye then going away without a word. LMAO

that’s that. went away after that. then, i had to meet his ahh in jujutsu high in my first year. HAHAHA imagine meeting your arch nemesis from childhood in your school YEARS later. but then again, there wasn’t a time when we forgot about the other. i think the fact that it didn’t take us long to recognise each other on our meeting in jujutsu tech makes the whole ordeal infinitely funnier.

and noww, jisugu.

okay, so guess what? sugu and i were pen pals when we were around six or seven. we’d never seen each other’s face, but we did talk a LOT using letters.

it was always a constant thing, and never did one forget to reply or something— but we both had a thing for each other, a strange sort of loyalty (?).

and then, i join jujutsu tech in my second year. see sugu and i’m like oh hi i’m jiah, and sugu has the same reaction. but we both feel a little something beneath. something that’s right in a wrong way. HAHAHA

we get to know each other, and obviously something blooms. . now, sugu isn’t aware that i am his pen pal because we both use different aliases, and i don’t know that he’s my childhood friend, either. it just sort of happens when he notices that my handwriting looks eerily similar, and i think his as well looks a little too hey, i’ve seen this shi before.

then, yeah. we both talk about it in our lettere using a different alias about how this thing has been affecting us (<- both idiots messing each other up by admitting that they have a crush on someone else, not realising that it’s the same person). sooo, yeah. HAHAHAH

#2 what kind of gifts do they buy you? what kind of gifts do you buy them?

starting with jitoru.

now, toru is a big phat gift giver because the guy doesn’t really know how to express himself some other way. then again, i’ve always chided him for spending too much, so he tries to get me something worthwhile.

maybe some jasmine oil, or a perfume that reminded him of me. and also a book that i might like, since he knows that i will read anything he gives me even if it bores me.

and me ? i’m more of a handmade gift person. although, i do buy sweets and chocolates all the time (<- irl too, for my friends LMAO) so i can randomly pop one into his mouth. otherwise, satoru has TONS of handmade gifts because i am insufferable.

aaand jisugu.

it’s a war, honestly. while satoru accepts it after a while, sugu WILL put up an equal insatiability when it comes to gifts.

i give him a painting? he’ll come up with handmade jewellery. i give him a hairbrush set? he’ll come up with accessories.

and the saga goes on. HAHAHAH

#3 what pet names do they call you? what pet names do you call them?

what a lovely little question. . . WNWNWN

for jitoru, it’s constant petnames because satoru will cry immediately if i call him by his full name. (<- straight up teary eyed so i have to keep him sane.)

bout him, it’s the most ridiculous petnames. schnookums, blueberry banana muffin (<- congrats, you unlocked one of my favourite cake flavours), star sparkles. . . yeah. you get the gist. while i’m a more. . subtle person when it comes to nicknames, as you might have already noticed (given the fact that i’ve called you so many).

toru is his favourite, why of course. then comes my love. bro folds like a lawn chair i SWEAR. my baby, darling, sweet boy, silly boy. there goes. HAHAH

aand for jisugu.

actually, i think sugu and i have the same sort of nickname calling system, so it doesn’t differ as much.

sugu is his favourite, while he calls me a nickname based on my name irl HSHS, and then there’s the never ending my baby, love etc.

sugu likes to call me brownie sometimes, while i call him soda. HAHAH that’s something different, i guess. then again, we both love it when the other calls us by the full name. it just sort of has a strange intimacy to it.

[bisluthq]

I feel like most of us here are on the same page, but I find it so funny when people stereotype people as “academic deep actor”, “sprtz ball man”, “ditzy but can be smart” because again, do the people making these comments interact with ANY PEOPLE irl?

In my own immediate family, all of us kids were different from each other, but at our core we had pretty similar values by virtue of being raised together lol so even though we have different lives, lifestyles and interests, we can still have a fucking conversation about our current lives and not just reminisce.

Idk what I would talk about with Timmy, because he doesn’t interest me so I know nothing about him lol and what I do know, I don’t find interesting enough to want to talk about lol. I think I could talk with Taylor about anything without it being me interviewing her lol because based on what she’s shared about herself, we have a lot of shared interests.

A lot of my friends are “so different” a cop who likes video games, a bunch of office workers who don’t have a passion or a hobby but enjoy eating out at new places, going for scenic walks, reading when they have time - basic shit we all do. Then there’s a 3rd grade teacher who is OBSESSED with comic books and marvel and goes to all the conventions. A few in different parts of hospitality - one wants to be a writer, one wants to become a farmer, the other is obsessed with musicals and spends all her spare money travelling for musicals. A nurse who likes to craft. A doctor who likes to club and does so much cocaine and ecstasy lmao. A plumber who spends all his free time playing in different bands. On paper, they are very different people if we typecast people based on their job and passion/ interest…. But it’s not like these people CAN ONLY talk about video games, comic books, plumbing, surgery…. And it’d be weird to assume that’s the case? Like the stereotypes of jock and nerd are sort of accurate in high school because the jock will get picked on if he says he likes Shakespeare, and the nerd will be picked on and if he does something “cool” because people will call him a try hard… but most people leave that shit behind in high school and don’t meet someone and go “oh but I am not a teacher so I will go find a fellow accountant to talk to”???

Idk I mean I find it hard to talk to my brother in law but he’s a fuck awful communicator and even though he’s intelligent and educated, he talks in grunts or shrugs lol. He’s not even being rude, that’s him. But we actually have heaps in common he’s just one of those dudes who doesn’t like talking and will tell a story like “I watched the new Bob dylan movie” “what was it about?” “Bob Dylan.” “Well yes, but what did it focus on?” “……Bob Dylan……” which is valid, but also, we aren’t going to get anywhere with this so I just smile and nod lol.

I think communication styles is more important than the stereotypes the internet thinks we all are

Agree.

[omnicatalyst]

Finally, a non-political post, but that doesn’t change the Trigger Warning for sensitive subjects. I’ve been having strange dreams lately and felt I could use some input from the internet. I’ve had three dreams I remember fairly well and about half of the dreams I’ve had since then are relatively the same in structure to each other. If anyone knows anything about dreams (or cosmic horror???), insight would be greatly appreciated!~

(To be clear, these dreams physically feel different from any other I’ve had and have had subconscious effects to my irl, so I know it’s not a coincidence)

This first one starts with me running into the cafe on the college campus my friends & partners go to, absolutely decking a robotic doppelgänger of myself. Seeing them, I knew we fought before, but I wasn’t going to be beat by them again. That being said, my ass almost gets beaten to a pulp, again. Though, as the doppelgänger monologues about how I’m broken and need to be replaced by a model that won’t malfunction, my partner (the one that if I didn’t meet, I would either have killed myself or taken over the world like some super villain) did something, granting me an ever changing form that after a few moments settled in a feminine form, in line with how I see my true self (yeah I’m trans-fem, not important right now). Of course, using my new power I wiped the doppelgänger off the face of “reality,” and spent time with my friends, trying to figure out all of the new things that I was capable of. One or two weeks later at the same campus, the SCP Foundation’s MTF busted through every window in the cafe and attempted to capture me. Due to my new strengths, they realized that wasn’t working and resorted to striking a deal with me. They would be able to research what I was capable of, and I was allowed to be out while being monitored (to keep people safe, obviously). I saw no harm in letting them try to understand what I was now, and I didn’t really want this to be a repeating thing every time I go out, so I agreed. Not much happened after, but I remember there was some kind of testing that didn’t yield very impressive results.

My partner, the same person specifically mentioned in the last dream, heard that there was a little farmers market event being held by an after school program for the grade-schoolers in the area. While not really being a person that likes getting out much or someone with any money, I agreed to go anyway. When we got there, we met some old friends that weren’t in the same grade as us when we graduated and we looked around for anything we could buy from the shops. At the time, I only had $2. yeah, I’m broke and already feel bad about it. Anyway, I couldn’t buy shit, but there was a little shop (if I can even call it that. The person running it was one of the employees who ran the program at the time, and she was just sitting in between a table and the front desk. She offered to show me what she was selling, but even after I told her that I wouldn’t be able to afford anything, they insisted saying that everything they wanted to sell was two dollars. In an effort to not seem rude, I looked through their wares. I remember there were four rings, but I only remember two of them, a gold ring with a digital watch face that had some officially licensed Pokemon mobile games that I had never seen before. I already was wearing my apple watch, so I didn’t really need it, she understood. That’s how it went with the other two I don’t remember, but the last one had me intrigued. It was an obsidian ring but while one edge was smooth and clean, the other was chipped and jagged as if it had been fashioned into a blade. Of course, noticing the pattern with the previous three odd rings, I asked “So, what does this one do?” They looked at me, a few moments of silence pass, and they respond with “It grants power rewind it grants wishes rewind it grants dreams, the only catch is if you were to remove the ring you would die.” I pondered my position, remembering my previous dream. Was that what I dreamt for myself? Not knowing what I was, but knowing that I was powerful? Realizing that knowing in this case wasn’t necessary, only being, I bought the ring. As I put it on, my body shifted to the same Eldridge form from the previous dream, and in the void of my mind I saw a code. One that has only been used in my journal so I may hide my secrets in plain sight and only share them with those I see fit. When I woke up, I forgot what the encrypted message was and I don’t think I’ll ever see it again (my bad). [At some point, I’ll draw the ring and put it here]

Ok, my bad, but this is the only one that I can’t describe in detail. I remember the part in my perspective better. Speaking of, This one starts from the perspective of an astronaut in a space station with about 11 other people. Something happened, it turns into a murder mystery. Some sleuthing happens, some drones malfunction, and one of the crew is found stuffing a bloody fur suit into a desk drawer so the case is solved. It wasn’t the person hiding evidence, it was the now dead furry! (Ignore the other dirty fur suits hidden in and under the desk) Now is when it stops feeling like a normal dream. The perspective changes to an observation deck overlooking a test chamber with a UFO looking space pod on four thin legs. Someone out of frame says to take them out of the simulation. After a scientist pulls a lever, he pod quickly rockets up from the concrete floor of the test chamber into the ceiling, scratching a large hole into and through it. Soon after it became airborne, it falls to the ground as quickly as it rose. once it lands, a panel opens letting the crew from the previous part of the dream out into the test chamber painted to look as if it’s outside. They’re treated like heroes? Last change in perspective for this dream, I swear. I look around a concrete building as I enter it, I know it’s an office building but I can’t help but notice that the whole place is built like an underground prison. Walking around I find the cafeteria, and while it really isn’t helping fend off the prison allegations, it was early and I didn’t get to eat. Most of the food was self served, except for meats and desserts. Fine, what’s wrong with human interaction? As I got my food though, I realized I couldn’t recognize a pattern, and of course I investigated (plus I could get some dessert out of my side quest). I got in line, where the person in front of me was taking forever to order. As I started to grow impatient, I noticed that people in the line were being treated differently than others, and it wasn’t by gender or race, but I could tell it was something different about how the people who were serving the food were looking at some people and how they treated them. Minutes pass. I grew impatient. I asked if I could order a small premade cake while they figure out what to order, because if this takes much longer I could be late to the meeting I was there for. the previously smiling worker turned and looked at me out of anger and annoyance, snapping at me to wait my turn and that I was lucky she was even considering not giving me any food at all for daring to talk to her out of turn. I was reasonably confused, and the people behind me began to look tired, some leaving the line. After i got my dessert, I ate thinking to myself that I needed to do something about this place. [I will also make a sketch of the UFO thing at one point, that’ll probably go here]

Now for the ones that have been randomly coming up.

They usually start in a remote warehouse similar to the big empty ones you see in animated Batman shows, but you can’t see either end as a large anthropomorphic animal (typically some kind of commonly known predator. Cat, wolf, goat, you get the idea). The large Beast speaks to a figure, bathing in the only light in the room. They mostly talk about the typical consumer and how the raising costs of living is at an all time high, and how someone like them should be more than willing to hire more workers, paying them their fair wages or lowering the cost of things people need to live. The figure runs into the darkness away from the Beast, until they are too tired to keep running. The Beast appears before them, looking down, pitting the poor fool. One cannot out run this creature in a realm of itself, nor can run from the consequences of their actions. The Beast offers to make a deal with the figure, “Do your part in fixing the natural order of man and corporation, and I won’t have to do it for you. You are not a necessary cog in machine you created, and no one will cry if you were to say, disappear.” Each figure would have their response, but it always ends the same. Either they agree and fix their part of the system, or are consumed by the Beast, never to be seen, heard, or thought of again. [I might try to draw this, but I am no artist. If I do try, it might be here, but don’t count on me sharing] If I continue to talk about this, I might make a tag for it, but we’ll see.

[nightcall99]

Dreams from 18.5.24

Dream 1 He keeps saying he loves me. I feel it is true but I don't believe him so I don't say it back. I am at our old house in the bedroom getting ready to go out with my family. I keep changing my mind with what I’m wearing. I've got on a comfortable outfit, a tracksuit as if I'm about to attend a P.E class but I keep looking in the mirror and second guessing myself. He is standing right beside me, our sides are touching and he keeps whispering in my ear that he loves me but my heart is completely closed to it. Is it even him? I'm getting confused between the energy of him and my ex. I think at one point, we embrace even though we shouldn’t have and I’m thinking, am I really attracted to him romantically? Or like platonically? (like with my ex). As I head downstairs, I see three massive plastic tubs that are stacked on top of each other, filled with slices of cake. The type of cake with copious amounts of pale cream icing, like leftovers from a wedding or other huge celebration event.

My parents are outside. They're in the front yard of our current house, even though I just came downstairs from our old house. They are sitting on the ground and around them are random scattered parts of a pram or something to do with the car. They are trying to fix this contraption I suppose, so we can go. My auntie (who we never talk to) and grandma (who's dead now) are waiting and sitting on chairs in the near distance around where the letterboxes are. I don’t want to greet them so I keep my distance. I want to help my parents but I don't know how. I feel inadequate just standing there. Then my father says to me, you are no longer my worst daughter, your sister is. I feel awkward about this revelation, I was glad to be in his good books but not at the expense of my sibling.

Dream 2 I'm at work and it's busy. I am dealing with a customer and it's taking a long time. Then the student informs me there is someone on the phone waiting to speak to me. It seems like a bigger issue than the one I'm currently dealing with but I obviously have to do things in order. And it has to be me who deals with it too, since the impression is that something is wrong, like missing tablets or the wrong strength. But after I serve the current person, I appear at home where I’m having a shower and I have forgotten all about the phone call. I feel bad. Shit. But also whatever I don’t care. I'll just let the student eventually take the call and deal with it, she’s perfectly capable.

Dream 3 My siblings and I are getting ready to go to our kid cousin's birthday party (who we have never spoken to irl). My parents are already there and we have to go and meet them, the party is taking place right now. We get into the car and even though I'm in the driver's seat, my sister who is in the front passenger seat, is the one who is actually driving. There are steering wheels on both sides. She's doing a good job of it too. She's sitting back in the chair and the wheel is really close to her person, which I find strange because it's detached from the car itself. We arrive at the venue, it's quite fancy and grand but there's barely anyone around. A customer walking past recognises me but I ignore him. We walk around trying to find the room where the party is happening but we can't find it. After awhile we just end up going home and chill in our rooms. When my parents and relatives arrive home, they've barely gotten through the door before they start hurling anger at us for missing the party. I say something in Viet to my mother, something along the lines of we couldn’t find the room, but she mocks me because I pronounced one of the words wrong. I snap at her saying, How dare you mock me when I tried my best. I go back into the bedroom where my sister is. She looks different, prettier, like more radiant. She said she had gotten some permanent makeup done in the style that she usually does her makeup. A tattoo. I saw faint black lines on the creases of her lids which created a nice shadow and I thought she looked lovely.

[boba-beom]

Angel,

There are 3 hours left for your birthday and I’m saddened I couldn’t celebrate it with you sooner! (Will let you know why privately)

I had something special prepared for you but I would like to tell you a few words!

01-20-22 was the first day we talked! You wanna what it was about? It was about how our birthday were exactly one month apart!

During this time I was new to tumblr I was new to discord and wanted a place to fit in! You made my time to the new environment really easy for me!

We became friends in no time! I know there’s distance between us but I gained a close friend, someone I trust and can go to whenever I need to. Someone who has shown me endless amount of love, and support. That distance becomes just distance when you look at the bond we’ve created!

You are someone so special and important and the people around you, my self included are so happy to have someone as sweet, loving, kind, smart, funny person like you!

I definitely consider you one of my online bestfriends because you truly know things about me that my irl friends don’t know!

I love and miss our late night talks whether it was late night for me or late night for you! We need to voice call asappppp!

I think it goes without saying but you truly get how I feel like no one else does! I think it confirmed that we are a different kind when we were losing our mind because of that one taehyun laugh followed by his “진짜” you remember that angel? How we both literally lost it at one word. Only taehyun will do that for you only taehyun hahah.

This might sound cheesy and you know what I’m okay with that but you are the Beomgyu to my Yeonjun! Quite literally 🥺💗

I hope we get to meet each other soon and go to all the food places so we can do our little asmr mukbang! Not only for that but to finally be able to see you and I just know we will spend hours talking and talking(I hope your sister is okay with that hahah). I don’t think there has ever been a dull moment or conversation that I’ve had with you!

I mean we can go from crying about how life is shitty to talking about how we’d want redacted to redact redact redact lol(based on true story I don’t know if you remember when we called on ig that one time you were in the ph)

I just wanna hype you up a bit but girlllll YOU ARE GORGEOUS!! STUNNING!!!!! I think I’ve shared this a few times but I when I first joined and saw your photos I was like she’s soooo gorgeous and your style!! YOUR STYLE!!!! I am in love with ! (Send your girl some pointers hahaha) I think you have such pretty eyes and I love your hair!!!!! YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL OKAYYY!!

I have to take some time to also mention how you are so down to help anyone who needs it! I know you were there for me helping me when I was going to post my very first fic! Not to mention you were instantly willing to help with my theme which so many people loved and complimented! You are always there for me during hard times even to just listen!

I love that we have matching pfp 🥺 do you remember what started it? It was when the tribute stage performance for weverse con came out and we were obsessed with the with the burgundy silk shirts and the fans and beomgyu long hair! We were in the nsfw section just sending a bunch of “🦋🐱🦋🐱🦋🐱🦋🐱” then we both changed our pfp and it was accidentally matching so we’ve been matching since then! I think it’s really cute and special 🥺

I would just lastly like to say how much you mean to me to me and that no matter where life takes us you will always have a special place in my heart and mind! I love love love love you so much! I hope you had a great day and I can’t wait till I hear all about it 🥺💗 I miss you Lots Angel!

I am always here for you!

I hope you have the happiest of birthdays! 🥳

HappySmilesDay 💗

Oh p.s. I got me cake yesterday and I sang hbd to you before I ate it but my dumbass took the video on Snapchat and forgot to save it! 😩

Angie 🥹 thank you isn’t enough to show how grateful I am to have you in my life. you’re like a hidden gem I didn’t know that I would eventually keep along with me from day to day. I do remember bonding over our birthdays and it all stemmed from there!

you and I both know so well that I will always be there for you and anyone if they need 🫶🏼 wasn’t called smiles for no reason (I’m sorry lmao that was cheesy). I also find it so amusing just how easily we relate together. I’ve enjoyed every single interaction, moment, call, voice note, squealing about taehyun’s laugh and his ‘진짜‘, and all of the above.

lmao the fact that we can go on and on, talking about whatever but it’s okay, yappers will be yappers and that’s us 🤭 no matter what it is we just manage to hold it out well!

thank you for the compliments and plenty of your kind words 🥹 I have so much love for you, I hope you always know that! and I can’t wait for the day we meet! I’m sure it will bring us closer than we already are 🫶🏼

I have so much more to say but it can wait for another special day 🤭 I love you so much and you are always going to be the yeonjun to my beomgyu 🤍 I miss you lots and I hope you’re always taking care of yourself!

take your time with everything and I love you a hundred times over!!! thank you for the cute beomjun pictures and the cake is super cute 😭 you’re so precious, Angel!

[pendularium]

vaugeposting about one of my closest friends on a site he doesn't use just because I need to get this out and I don't really want any actual advice on what to do thank you very much

in case anyone actually does run into this and read it (unlikely) depression&suicidal ideation warnings I guess

I'm one of the most active members of every groupchat I'm in. The main one I'm going to rant about (because in my other friend group groupchat this Doesn't Happen) has around 15 members, with 10 of those being people who I'd consider actual friends rather than friends of friends.

Of those 10 I see some of them really often - one almost daily. And yet.

In the groupchat I am one of the most active, with two others maybe also being as active as me, I'm going to call the one I'll be talking about L (random letter, yes I know this isn't reddit).

My biggest issue is probably with L in that he responds to basically everything I say with fucking stock responses? Like I love him he's a wonderful human being, and I know irl the reason we're not that close is because neither of us try (imo we just have too similar of personalities...) This is a full on random vent post so. My other main issue with L is that I have tried to do stuff - and while he's been more receptive than Anyone Else (we also go to Uni together, and do a weekly-ish meet up in someone's room to hang out and drink, I have one of the largest rooms of any of us, I have offered it up repeatedly but noooo. Can't have that can we.) he still has very much just brushed me aside? Like he has tea sessions with some others, and he has acted all surprised that I wasn't invited - AS IN another of our friends casually said to me 'oh you know where L's room is, you go over for tea' and he's referenced happenings to me expecting me to get them (have I fucking watched brideshead revisited with you indeed), but he won't actually invite me.

and this + the stock responses stuff? It's partly the fault of online communication - where it is seemingly PERFECTLY FUCKING OKAY to just peace out of a conversation without saying anything?? like am I going insane or is it polite to just say bye. Especially on WhatsApp I can see that you have seen my message. Just say anything?? (But equally he gives me these same responses in person?)

(I know this is a me problem, another friend who's on the gc has said before that he thinks it's rude if people reply saying that they can't attend something rather than just not responding. needless to say I disagree...+ just general life stuff)

Like L is physically one of the closest of my friends at uni, as in we live in buildings right next to each other, but I just. I don't connect with him. He doesn't initiate conversation with me. nobody does.

I remember reading a while ago about a guy who felt like he hadn't really made any friends, and so just stopped responding to the people he knew to test if they'd get back to him, and they didn't. And later on he went to therapy and realised that he didn't initiate anything, and that he was putting the whole burden of friendship on them. I remember reading that and thinking is this me? do I not do enough? But equally, I have suggested outings and been ignored or rejected or have only one to two people respond. I try to start conversations, I tell people about my life, ask them how they're doing. And still I feel like I'm alone.

A few years ago, before I got into uni, I was incredibly depressed. Had a plan and everything. Gave myself an ultimatum. One of the areas that distressed me the most was feeling like I just couldn't connect with my friends. I know now why - I can rationalise it out; one was having similarly dire mental crises, with another our interests had just drifted apart over time, and with a third it was a deeply toxic relationship that consisted of her constantly lying and being cruel, and me silently hating her but still staying friends out of fear? pity?

There's a difference between being lonely and being alone. One of those you can feel even when surrounded by people who'd all call themselves friend.

I'm a lot older now than I was then. After lockdowns, I moved to a new area, met new people, and like. I felt good about myself and life again. I started going on walks, looking up at the stars at night and seeing how light fell across fields of wheat in the morning. Laughed more, was just generally happier than I felt like I'd ever been. And a key part of that was my friends at the time; unlike now, friendship felt easy, uncomplicated.

And now I'm back in the same place, older and ostensibly wiser, but really just stuck. Different location, different people, but there's something always in the way, and that something seems to lie exclusively with me.

My mother also has had a hard time making and keeping friends, ended up in several friendships where she gave everything to the other person in exchange for what would always turn out to be empty words and hurt. I don't want to be like her.

I want to talk to my friends, tell them about this, sit down and just say how I feel. Ask if we're friends, if L knows he's doing this. Get their side of everything! But equally, how can I do that? I know some of what L's been through in the past with emotionally unstable people, I don't want to just be that same person, put it all on him, because who else would listen!

but sometimes I'm not sure I really want to exist anymore. I don't want to die, just...stop. become nothingness, never was, never will be.

if I did die. did just walk into a road one day and get hit by a car, or have an aneurism, or just stopped working one day, act of god style, would they notice would they care? of course. but I'd never change anyone's life, and it feels selfish just saying that but. I'm an afterthought in the friend bubble, something disposable. if I left the group chat today, left the earth tomorrow, they might wonder, might even cry, but wouldn't care. I'd just be a name in a list, someone else gone.

I want to have friends.

I try to.

[mangodestroyer]

Unfortunately, I've known a handful of toxic people in my lifetime (toxic family leading to toxic dynamics in adult relationships because that behavior was familiar). I'm thinking about why some of these people gave me a weird feeling when I first met them.

I'm trying to get out more, so that the only time I'm out in public isn't just because I'm getting necessities and going to work. I've come to realize that even if I can pick up on a lot of stuff from text, I have grossly underestimated my ability to read body language. So I want to keep it in mind if I end up meeting someone new irl.

I was in a long distance relationship, and while things never sat right through text and video (they hardly ever wanted to video call me, which is a definite redflag for a partner), meeting them in person was a very different experience. I was excited when I got off the plane, only for them to get impatient with me on the phone and act very uninterested when I came up to their car. Seeing their demeanor just absolutely killed my mood. Again, I thought I was being weird for feeling... disappointed? I thought maybe I was nervous? But looking back, the complete lack of enthusiasm was just very strange. Especially considering how, when my friend met her long distance bf, they were so very clearly happy to see each other and cried when they parted ways. That's one thing that made me realize that whatever I had going on wasn't a loving relationship.

And ofc, I blamed myself for not doing enough to make my partner feel loved, because she just seemed really annoyed with me during the whole trip, constantly nitpicking on things like me wasting too much food, being too picky, telling me my hips would look better if I worked out rather than ate. And all these nitpicks were said in the most robotic, matter-of-fact tone, while other times she'd kind of just glare at me for doing something I didn't think would bother her. She also accused me of not caring about her. Not spending enough time around her. Maybe I am a little guilty of the second one, I just remember not feeling very good on that trip at all. I remembered feeling uncomfortable, anxious, and was dissociating pretty hard. I remember not even wanting to be in the same room as her dad because he really, REALLY set off alarms for me, but he was ALWAYS AROUND. At one point, half my body went numb and I just felt like I needed to sit down and get away from everyone. My ex found that very annoying. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was having a panic attack. Also, our time together didn't really feel like it was about us. She spent lots of time doing her own thing and talking to other people while I just sat there like a decoration, ig.

I know this example was long, but I think it shows a lot of the warning behaviors, as well as my own body's reactions to being in that environment and around those people. And again, over text, she could at least pretend to sound more enthusiastic, even though she was still negging and whatnot. But at the same time, all she ever wanted to do was rp her interest, which I shared at the time. And she liked to future fake and tell me to just move in with her already. It became a HUGE problem when I lost interest in the fandom we were in. That's when she really let out her true colors.

And why did I not see the issues with this relationship?

Some other behaviors I've noticed, in different people, are smirking, mean laughter, gazing into your soul, ignoring you, somehow misunderstanding a lot of things you say in the worst way possible (ex did this too tho), constant arguing, and the creepy fake kindness.

Idk if anyone else has noticed the smirk. But you know when a predatory individual thinks they won an argument against you, sees you fall for a lie, and listens to you expose a vulnerable part of yourself, they kind of just get this weird, evil smirk, like they got you? Sometimes, their eyes widen and they start staring at you like your prey. They may even compare you to prey (my roommate used to tell me I was like a mouse, which... I don't see it). It sounds so ridiculous. Like something that would only come out of fiction. But I swear, this is how my roommate used to look at me. It feels almost supernatural with how uncanny it is.

In fact, the smirk has to be the creepiest one imo. Most humans I've interacted with... just don't have that look on their face. I see it a little bit in some customers, but not quite like how my roommate does it. My brother is a good competitor.

And again, I would have thought this shit only happened in books or movies. You know those overly mean characters? Always smirking and giving the protag weird looks? Ig there are people like that irl. I didn't believe it until I saw relatives start doing it, and same with that roommate and some customers.

If I ever meet another potential friend or partner, I plan on journaling how I feel about them. Observe how they change, if they do. Reflect on how they make me feel. I'll try all the harder to listen to my gut. I'll keep things not-very-deep at first and take it slow.

[aro-absol]

[Sorry for the wall of text following! I swear I meant to only write a few sentences. Also, I'm aware it might be controversial but I'd like to hear if anyone has similar thoughts. Tl;dr: Allos might not use the concept of platonic attraction because they're not used to the SAM and maybe because they're used to feeling attraction with stronger physical signs. Attraction is a very subjective thing; op isn't necessarily aplatonic just because she doesn't use the concept of platonic attraction.]

I assume it's a language thing. And I don't even mean it as an English/non-English difference. I think it's just that because the Split Attraction Model is basically unheard of outside of aspec spaces, Allos (here referring to people that are both alloromantic and allosexual) don't think of friendship as something that's coming with attraction. They usually use the word "attraction" to describe a mixture of sexual attraction and romantic attraction, as we aspecs would call it. Therefore, they would not think of anything else as an attraction. (I have never heard any Allo irl use the concept at least)

So even if an Allo would actively search for friends and actively chooses people they not only share some interests with but also vibe well with and think that they're cool etc, they wouldn't say they're attracted to them in a platonic way.

Whereas in the aspec community, this is often already called (mild) platonic attraction. The most common definitions of attraction I've heard can be summed up as "Feeling a specific way about a certain person and wanting to do a specific action / set of actions with said person because of that feeling" and if you're trying hard to apply the situation above to this definition, you actually can; the feeling part is pretty weak, though. But if you let "Wow, this person is so cool, spending time with them makes me happy" count as a feeling (and I think you can), that's platonic attraction. It's probably a mild one as the feelings aren't strong, but still.

The feelings being weak is another thing why I think Allos don't describe it as attraction. Compared to the physical signs that romantic and sexual attraction can cause, it seems like the physical signs of platonic attraction are pretty weak for most people. Descriptions of romantic and sexual attraction I've heard are butterflies in the stomach, faster heartbeat, feeling warm or lots of blushing. I've never heard anything similar when people are describing how they feel about their friends. I'm sure there are people out there who feel that way platonically but that doesn't seem to be the norm.

Personally, I'm aromantic but very much not aplatonic. Yet I struggle to apply the concept of platonic attraction to myself. Yes, I can feel very strongly about my friends but still, I don't think the word "attraction" fully meets it. There were like one or two times where I think that word might've been applicable (though, again, it doesn't feel completely right. I felt a strong desire to be friends with a specific person I didn't know well and really wanted them to like me back; there were other new people who objectively would've been equally good friend options but I didn't feel so strongly about them. However, I didn't have any physical signs. Even though there was an urge, it was still more of a conscious choice. The only thing I ever physically felt in a platonic context was a warmth in my chest but that wasn't really about attraction. I'd rather describe it as the physical consequence of feeling happy and valued and loved.

Attraction is very subjective. Someone might call what I've just told you as attraction, another person might describe it as love and a third might not call it any of that. Those words are just tools to help us communicate our feelings, experiences and desires to each other. Two people can experience the exact same thing and still might use different words when talking about it. And that's okay. Don't force someone to describe their feelings with words they don't want to use for them. If that person doesn't think a word meets what they want to express, they don't have to use it.

And calling someone with normative experiences regarding friendship aplatonic simply because they don't find the word applicable to themselves in that context is weird.

I'm questioning quioromantic, and I was wondering if you could explain the difference in feeling between romantic/ strong platonic attraction? I'm legitimately lost and only have one relationship to go off of

Sorry, I don't apply the concept of platonic attraction to myself! You might be better off asking someone else.

[fairydrowning]

"How will I survive this missing? How do others do it? People die all the time. Every day. Every hour. There are families all over the world staring at beds that are no longer slept in, shoes that are no longer worn. Families that no longer have to buy a particular cereal, a kind of shampoo. There are people everywhere standing in line at the movies, buying curtains, walking dogs, while inside, their hearts are ripping to shreds. For years. For their whole lives."

– The Sky is Everywhere, Novel by Jandy Nelson