#we do call each other but there's just something different to meet someone irl

[fairydrowning]

"How will I survive this missing? How do others do it? People die all the time. Every day. Every hour. There are families all over the world staring at beds that are no longer slept in, shoes that are no longer worn. Families that no longer have to buy a particular cereal, a kind of shampoo. There are people everywhere standing in line at the movies, buying curtains, walking dogs, while inside, their hearts are ripping to shreds. For years. For their whole lives."

– The Sky is Everywhere, Novel by Jandy Nelson

[becausebuckley]

michelle's buddie fic recs: week 47!

...plus a very special non-buddie fic!! an excellent reading week, once again. the 911 fandom has so many incredible writers!

this is a mix of fics with all ratings, so some include NSFW content. please take a look at both the ratings and the fic tags before reading! some might also contain spoilers for season 8.

if you come across something you like in this list, remember to show some love to the author by leaving kudos and a comment!

and i need you more than want you (and i want you for all time) | dykeries/@buddiesbian| 25.9k | E

Buck and Eddie's relationship changes over a series of phone calls. Along the way, their family finds its way back home to each other. there's something about phone calls for buddie that just hits so hard... doesn't matter if they're sex calls or emotional calls. this fic is so good, i devoured it!!

ball games | thesquinky | 8.4k | T

buck takes eddie to that lakers game, after all. buck and eddie at the lakers game!! kiss cams!! i was crossing my fingers someone would write a fic exactly like this and it did not disappoint <3

been there, done that (once or twice) | kaistinlove/@kaistinlove | 21.6k | E

the one where Buck wants to make a boudoir album and enlists Eddie's help as a photographer. i clicked on this SO FAST when i saw it!! so good so hot so perfect

DIAZ | mandolare/@confessionseddie | 3k | E

Buck wears the wrong jacket. buck needs to always wear the wrong jacket imo <3 so lovely!!

hold me like water | singomuse7 | 6.3k | T

Eddie's not the most oblivious person in the world and instantly understands what that closet joke meant, and instead of crashing out and blowing his life up about it, he gives Buck sensible advice and breaks up with Marisol. Cue 6k words of gay crisis during madney's wedding. i love love love this fic's eddie so much <3 so good!!

i belong with you, you belong with me (you're my sweetheart) | Distressed_Ladybug15/@cadiebug | 1.4k | GA

For a second they just stand there, staring into Chris’ room, then Buck tips his head back and to the side so he can meet Eddie’s eyes. “Hi,” he mumbles, voice hoarse and overused from work. i needed a little hurt/comfort like this a couple of days ago and it hit the spot perfectly <3

jee- yun's big day | rainbow_nerds/@rainbow-nerdss | 6k | GA

“So, Jee,” Mommy says. “You remember how we visited Daddy at work before?” Jee-Yun nods. “Captain Bobby says you can come to work with me for a whole day!” Daddy looks excited, and Jee thinks about it. Daddy’s work is pretty fun, she thinks. Captain Bobby cooked some really yummy pasta, and Uncle Buck is always there, and so are Aunt Hen and Uncle Eddie. THIS FIC. this fic is the non-buddie inclusion of this week but honestly i don't even care, i need everyone to read it immediately. the loveliest cutest jee ever, and such a lovely ensemble of characters around her <3

make a spark (break the dark) | prettyunhinged | 4.9k | E

Eddie is gay. Tommy sucks. Buck and Eddie frot about it on the couch. this fic is how i realised that there's an ao3 tag especially for eddie's couch and honestly, she deserves it <3 so hot so buddie so good!!

my home is your body | coldbam/@coldbam | 16.6k | E

Buck and Eddie have vastly different nights at Pride. Then very similar summers. this was a reread and it still hits so very hard. the ultimate buddie fwb fic!!

my man says he loves me (never says he loves me not) | colonoscopys/@colonoscopys | 9.7k | GA

croakett: I don’t know what to do tubbalubb: me neither He stares at the screen. Is this the correct time to bring up Buck’s abs? buddie online friendship AND irl friendship?? sign me right up wow i love this!! they're so silly and they love each other so much <3

please, please, please | bookinit/@bookinit02 | 8.7k | E

buck doesn’t touch eddie anymore. eddie’s losing it, a little bit. honestly eddie i'd lose it too. this fic combines pining and getting together and touch-starvation so basically if there was a venn diagram of my favourite fic tropes this would be right in the middle <3

red + white + boom | onlythemessenger | 3k | T

Unexpected fireworks catch Eddie off guard after a bad week. Buck and Bobby help him through the aftermath. bobbyeddie friendship my most beloved <3 love how this fic portrays them!!

this mortal coil (shuffle) | eirabach/@eirabach | 20.1k | M

Maddie was never supposed to be Buck’s mother. Eddie was never allowed to be his anything. But three minutes and seventeen seconds later, here they are. this fic hurt but in the best way. love maddie here in particular <3

this world turns over | dottie_weewoo/@dottie-wan-kenobi | 4.8k | T

Before Buck stands up fully, Eddie reaches out with his good hand to pet Christopher’s hair, pushing a few strands out of his face. “Goodnight, mijo,” he whispers, getting only a mumble in response. A soft smile steals over his face, his eyes moving from his son to Buck. “Hey, Buck?” domestic and wonderful <3 this was a lovely morning read on the bus earlier this week!!

we are bound | EiraLloyd/@unlifeira | 7.2k | T

Every human was born with a prophecy. That was the deal, or so they taught at school. But Evan knew better. He wasn’t born with a prophecy. He’d asked and asked and asked, but his parents shrugged every time, and eventually, Evan stopped asking. Why bother when he already knew the answer he’d get? i love the style and structure of this fic so so much, it's gorgeously written!! a true treat <3

you're looking like you fell in love tonight | devirnis/@devirnis | 1.1k | GA

There’s an arm slung across his waist, a head on his shoulder, soft hairs tickling the underside of his jaw. He breathes in, the cobwebs of sleep slowly dissolving in his brain, and he smells — Eddie. i did fall in love tonight and it was with this fic <3 so so lovely!!

[psychelis-new]

pick a pile: "People's first impression of you"

take a breath and choose the photo or number that calls you the most to read what kind of first impression you generally leave on people you randomly meet both irl and online. Please beware I will focus on your person's first impression of you in another pac. There're similar pacs on Instagram (@/psychelis.new) too, if you need confirmations or a different outlook.

Music channeling has to be taken mostly for vibes/titles this time

don’t take the reading too seriously. only take what resonates with you and leave the rest. if you're not called by any pile, let this reading slid as it may not hold messages for you. if you're called by more than one pile, there may be messages in each of those piles. remember that is a general reading and some things may not resonate with you. energies can change and readings are based on present ones (as you read); you're always in charge of your life.

(photos found on unsplash)

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1 2 3 4 - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ -

pile 1

People sees you as someone determined and passionate. You may come out as a very powerful person, strong-willed (especially in your career/studies) and they may feel you are quite the leader. Some may feel intimidated by you even, but still deeply respect you and be inspired by you in a way. You may be considered as impulsive sometimes, and a bit stand-offish, but this comes mostly from people that kinda envy you. I do think you are kinda considerate and pretty grounded, at least on most days. Some people may be attracted by you, you probably emanate this light of security and confidence that attracts people; and you may be also kinda seen as someone who is able to reach anything in their life and doesn't have many problems (you may be a private person). I do think there's something in the way you dress, in your smile or look, that really shows your confidence (when we do something we love and aren't self conscious but focus on that, we do look confident no matter if we feel we are or not) and people really likes that. It could also be the way you dance or your body moves when you're with friends or something.

song: you're the one that i want | lo-fang

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pile 2

You're a sweet caring type, maybe a bit shy, but still very warm to others and deeply respectful. Your energy is a bit nervous at times, it could be for social situations in particular. A little "all over the place", like you may forget stuff and then remember all of a sudden once you're doing something else (and need to interrupt what you're doing to move on that other subject). People think you're cute though. You may be on the little side (you're short/thin/small) but it doesn't have to be. The way you act makes you look in need to be protected and comforted. You are youthful too, your smile is so very kind and warm, but somehow you tend to fear showing it at times (probably you're a bit insecure about your appearance and try to downplay yourself or you try to hide yourself... you may not enjoy too much staying under the spotlight). You are seen as someone very positive but also kinda moody, with lots of energy's ups and downs. People notice when you feel uneasy or something troubles you. At times you may fear being too much, especially when you're hyped. But you're not (and if someone sees you as so, it's not on you). People feel good when being with you, you're "comfortable" (people may randomly open up to you). You know how to make people feel at ease/seen. You may bring hope to people just through your presence.

song: until i found you | stephen sanchez

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pile 3

People sees you as warm, joyful and optimistic. You're also giving grounded and kinda "mature" vibes. It's like... you let others see you without many filters, you know where to put a fullstop or put boundaries to others (many may wrongly label you because of this as cold or rude). You value your space and you don't let others' opinions of you affect you too much. People may see you as giving and also as deserving of good things. You look very warm-hearted, you probably support others in some way or volunteer. You trust your guts more often than not and people sees you as brave too. You look very collected and even after sharing a few words, they may fall for your mind and the way you articulate your words and thoughts. You're very determined and positive. You don't mind being seen for who you are or to comfort others through your personal experience. They see you as someone important in their life and many would like to keep you in their life for as long as possible. You may inspire others with your words and many may try to copy you or use your words as if they were theirs. You don't seem too annoyed though. You're not that easily annoyed or worried (or if you are at first, you have learned how to deal with it and look at it from a different perspective). You may even get haters but you don't give them what they want. [feels like you're kinda "famous" and have fans and haters, even just after first impressions]

song: what you heard | sonder

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pile 4 (this pile is longer but there's a reason)

You seem pretty reserved, even closed off. You probably are in an hermit period or you just don't trust others very much. It may be also that you're healing parts of yourself and you are more on your own, and despite you'd like to not feel alone, you kinda ended up into this cycle/habits of closing off to others. You may be a bit too fixed in your mentality. It's black or white and nothing else. You need to like or dislike something (or someone), there's no space for uncertainty... as if uncertainty was something unbearable. It feels too unsafe for you (root chakra unbalanced). You think through boxes. The fact that other possibilities may exist, seems a concept that is too far from you: the fact that grey may exists as well and be as correct as black or white, is strange... no, it's almost impossible. So this is what happens with people too: you may start talking with someone but if they don't check all the points of your list and think exactly as you even on things like pineapple on pizza, you kinda tell yourself "No, this is not a good person for me". But people are just people: they can have a trait that annoys us and we can still love them anyway. You need to learn on what you can compromise out of your values. Be a little more accepting and welcoming. If you don't let your guard down a little, nobody will dare to climb the walls you have buildt around you and will leave. Let's suppose you like someone and you'd like to know them better: would you like to have to do all the work by yourself? Come up with what to ask, where to go, and maybe not get any answer or reaction... it'd feel like they don't care and you're talking to a wall and wasting time, right? I'm sure this behaviour you have picked up originates from a trauma of some kind, so I hope you can find out how to deal with it and heal it, at least a bit. Step by step, slowly but with determination. Be kind with yourself if you fall back into that habit here and there on your path, it's fine. It's not something one stops doing in a day or a couple of months. Give yourself (and others) time. You immediately close off to others the moment you feel "betrayed" cause they say something you don't agree with... give them time to show you who they are for real and don't take it all so personally. It doesn't have to be all about you (not in a bad way, you may feel attacked by random comments/ideas cause you feel unsafe/don't agree and fear being pushed into the person's "dislike"-box. So you dislike them first to avoid that... but that's unnecessary). People do like you, they think very well of you all the times ("you're interesting"); but you need to stop worrying about their judgement and not scare them away cause of your fear of letting them in. Let in also people you may find different from you and may "trigger" you. You don't have to become close friends or have a romantic relationship with them (nor with anyone entering your life even just by chance), you can just have a chat and learn to be more open and accepting of other povs and thoughts (nobody is here to change yours, unless you feel the need to for yourself).

song: bravado | lorde

[pippenpaddlopsicopolisthethird]

Write twins better in three easy steps!

I meet so many people who act so stupid about this to my face, and I basically never see a set of identical twins that are well written in fiction, so here's a couple tips about identical twins. Mostly as a reference for writing them, but also so you can tell people to stop acting like an asshole to any twins you might know IRL.

FACT ONE:

Identical twins are two separate people.

Not one brain in two bodies

Not a hivemind that can read each other's thoughts

They don't speak in unison all the time (but might answer together if you address them as a collective and not an individual)

If they date they don't share the same partner

Can't be counted as one person for the sake of entry admission, airplane seating, employment, school tuition, or voting

Have their own names, even, and would prefer you use them instead of calling them both by the same collective name

I am eternally mad about We-Go from Kim Possible

FACT TWO:

Identical twins don't struggle telling themselves apart from each other. Your difficulty telling them apart is not something they have ever experienced themselves.

They understand the difference between looking at themself in the mirror and looking at their twin.

Yes, even as a young child.

No, they didn't have to learn the difference between a mirror and their sibling.

They never believe their twin to be themself.

They don't struggle to see themself as their own person.

They don't feel like they're looking at their own face all the time.

They don't have constant thoughts about how their sibling looks similar to themself.

The scene from The Parent Trap where one "twin" says 'OMG why do you look just like me??' just isn't realistic

FACT THREE:

Identical twins are, as a rule, not trying to actively deceive you and are sick of people assuming that.

Your difficulty in telling them apart does not mean they are trying intentionally to trick you or make you mess up

They also aren't trying to scare you or murder you and they won't like you if you tell them you're afraid of them

Dating a twin doesnt mean you're going to be parent-trapped (and if you can't tell your partner apart from their sibling, that's not a good look on you)

Some twins just go with the assumptions everyone else is making about them already and play into the stereotype, especially as kids

Literally every fictional pair of identical twins are tricksters already. Come up with something original.

Twins can still be compelling characters without leaning on these tropes

Writing a compelling pair of identical twins doesn't have to be hard if you either write them like other siblings, or understand that the stereotypes that circulate in fiction are some of the biggest issues they struggle against. Here are some good examples of compelling twin plots that I can think of, though not all of these characters are twins or identical:

Mabel's fear at the end of Gravity Falls that growing up meant that her brother would grow apart from her

Stanley Pines struggling to measure up to his parent's favoritism of his brother throughout childhood, but still dedicating his adult life to getting him back when he went missing

Ty Lee running away to join the circus so she could have an identity outside of her parents' curated "matched set" of siblings in AtLA

Vash and Knives in Trigun '99 experiencing the same childhood traumas and interpreting them differently, coming away from them with opposing ideologies in adulthood

Hikaru and Kaoru's trauma over being told they were interchangeable and their desire to find someone who would treat them as individuals in Ouran High School Host Club

[polyamorousmood]

Hello! Im poly but not as much in touch with the community so I thought id ask someone more experienced in a way instead of overthinking for weeks lol hope thats no issue since its not rlly a irl thing

Im making a comedy comic and I want there to be a joke where the main cast travels alot and anytime they say "we'll need help In x location" one of the poly characters keeps on saying "don't worry guys I have a girlfriend in there, she'll help us" and through the comic he has like 20+ girlfriends in all these diffrent locations, while its suppoust to be a lil joke i want to make sure it's not going into harmful territory so I thought id ask someone more in the community since while i am poly i also do recognize that im not above making stupid mistakes like that

Ah the overthinking and comedy are a duo i fear ToT

I personally fucking love that.

I can't promise no one else could conjure something to make it ✨️Problematique✨️ in their head, of course, but I think it's funny and cute for a comedy comic! I'd say go for it! Couple considerations below the cut that come to mind if you're trying to make "good poly rep", but these aren't hard and fast rules

Okay first thing for "good poly rep" is when we see the girlfriends, I'd show them being cutesy together😍!! They should be excited to see each other! Depending on the woman, maybe have pet names, inside jokes, etc. You don't have to belabor the point by stopping the action for eight pages every time we meet a girlfriend. I can think of several pithy ways that work well for a comedy comic (every time we meet a girlfriend, a shot of him exclaiming increasingly bizarre pet names and running into each other's arms, for example).

Secondly. I think it's fine if you leave the bit as it is, but if I were reading as a poly person, I'd be hoping for some other little indication all these girlfriends actually still matter to the character when they dont matter to the plot. Even just another throw away gag. He's going out Christmas shopping and comes home with an actual pack mule full of presents because he has so many partners to buy for (or vice versa, he has dozens of presents under his Christmas tree that are all covered in hearts and signed by different names. Or both). Or something like that. Maybe we see his phone calendar and it just COVERED in "phone call with Emily" "video chat Monique." He ends upbin the hospital and there's a line out the door for his visitors. Whatever. Even if it was a single-frame thing, I'd LOSE MY MIND. Totally optional, but it's something I would squee about 😁

Basically, it boils down to, make all these girlfriends... girlfriends. Otherwise it feels not super distinct from womanizing.

Hope that helps!! Good luck!! I'd LOVE to see this comic, please shoot me a link!

[vaccariia]

would love to year you talk more about quincy if thats ok with you?? saw how you wanted them more moon adjacent ?? whats up with that? and id like it a lot if you delved on quincy's dynamic with elio in general, why does quincy like him?? do they grow closer?? if yes, how, if not why??

omg did you hear that quincy. someone wants to know ur lore 😱😱

gonna answer each q under the cut ;^)

I guess i'll have to start with the name i chose for her..... Her full name is 'Haliya Quincy Tala de Luna' a mouthful i know, but can you blame her for being born as a filipino💔

Haliya - In Philippine mythology, Haliya is the goddess of the moon who hides her beauty behind a golden mask. chose the name because a big part of Quincy's character is her tendency to mask and assume different roles.

Quincy - there wasnt any reason why i chose quincy its just a pretty name LOL

Tala - the Philippine goddess of the stars. if you put the initials of quincy and tala together you get QT (cutie)... elio would probably call her that once theyve been dating for a while ehhehe

heres some fast facts about her too

scorpio sun, taurus moon

ISFP, 9w1

eldest daughter to 1st gen immigrant parents

she's not born on the philippines....

She went to an all-girls school until she was 16, when she had to move to the philippines. she was really awkward when interacting with boys at first. it went away by the time she got into WMU.

red's her fave color <3

uhhhhhhhhhhhh some of these may be relevant some of these may not LOL

On Quincy being a moon-adjacent character

One of the pop media tropes that i would never get tired of would be the sun/moon pairing dynamic.... In which one of the pair would be typecasted as the sun; bright, energetic, warm... This half of the pair would be the outgoing one, who brings out the light of the moon..... it's no surprise that elio would be the sun in this pair

the moon on the other hand is someone who is quiet and introspective... this other half would be someone who's stable and calm... Quincy's a spring MC, people see her as charming, but that's just a front. she's willing to play the role of a loveable MC, but there are times when the mask slips (her meeting with percy did NOT go well sorry perce </3) she's more aloof and private behind that facade of hers. (you know how a moon has two sides? and that one side isn't visible from the earth's POV? that soooo quincycore)

2. On the dynamic of their relationship

I've mentioned that they're a sun/moon pairing! If we're talking about IRL facts, the moon doesn't shine it's own light. the moonlight we see at night is just a reflection from the sun's light..... something something elio helping quincy be herself

another thing i've mentioned the other day is that i plan to make their story a slow burn. Quincy KNOWS she likes Elio but shes too much a coward to confess (quincy at this point has convinced herself that perfectly fine remaining as friends. which is. true. but girl's just burying her feelings until it hopefully dies) LOLLL elio's gonna have to take the initiative here.

3. On the qualities that endears Quincy to Elio

He's kind, empathic, and overall a really good guy. They would probably bond over their shared interests of music... and good food! and they would be there for one another whenever homesickness gets the better of them (Elio missing Hawaii, Quincy on the other hand misses the philippines, and the family she had to leave behind)

4. On the development of their relationship

do they get closer? HOPEFULLY!!! going for that friends to best friends to lovers vibes. I imagine quincy will really start opening up to elio in winter. Winter for her holds so many significance. For her, It's that time of the year where families get together and celebrate the coming year... she's a family-oriented person, so it's hard for her to spend christmas and new years alone

aaaand that's all she wrote.... pls peek my playlists

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for not believing my friends new boyfriends "backstory"

I 20(F) am very close friends with a girl (20F) who we will call Alex. Alex recently got out of a really bad relationship with someone our age, and jumped very quickly into a new relationship with a man 14 years older than her, who we will call Ben. Alex and Ben are in the same community college class, and have known each other for 2 years as friends.

I have never actually met Ben. I am at a college several hours away and Alex is one of those people who like to keep friends she's made in different parts of her life separate from each other, like school friends all know each other but don't mix with collage friends, who don't mix with work friends etc. She says it's an autism thing but idk. She doesn't do this this romantic partners tho, she introduces them to all her friends and she's keen for me and Ben to meet now.

Recently, Alex has been telling me more about Ben, all the normal relationship stuff you'll tell your friends. He seems to be a lot better than her previous partner, but the bar is in hell, so it's not difficult to be a better partner (or person) than the previous guy. But idk a lot of the stories about his life she's told sound very far fetched? Like not impossible but more likely to happen in a soap opera than real life, you know?

The story that pushed me over the edge into complete scepticism was that apparently Ben had been online dating someone for several years who died unexpectedly, and their mother took over their computer after their death and pretended to be them for over a year until the mother died and lawyers involved in her will contacted Ben, and the mothers plot was revealed.

Now... that might not be impossible, but I'm smelling bullshit. When i have online dated before, we've spoken on voice chats, and on facetime, via Snapchats etc - did none of that happen for over a year? No new photos in over a year? Was this mother faking to all their mutual friends - some of which were IRL apparently- too or were they all in on it? Also, who is this mother who can perfectly copy her child's texting style, so much so that their long term partner didn't see a change? I know my mother and I text very differently, and the evil mother in this story was have been in her late 50s at the time, so I highly doubt that she and her mid-twenties child just so happened to text exactly the same way. Alex says Ben is rly into memes and meme culture too, and I really really doubt that a late 50s mother - grieving mother no less - is just going to instantly understand meme culture to the point where he wouldn't notice that his "partner" was behaving differently. Also, a lawyer is not going to an Internet boyfriend first when dealing with wills. They just arent. The whole thing sounds either fake, extremely exaggerated.

Alex did not take it well when I (gently) tried to point out the weird bits in this story. She got very defensive and claimed I was judging Ben just based on his age and looking for something to be upset about, and that I'm disrespecting his trauma by being sceptical. She said that because I've never met him I'm projecting bad vibes towards him based on my own assumptions. Idk maybe she's right and I'm being unkind AITA?

What are these acronyms?

[flownintothesun]

𝐊𝐍𝐎𝐖𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓𝐍𝐄𝐑 𝐖𝐄𝐋𝐋 𝐂𝐀𝐍 𝐏𝐎𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐈𝐀𝐋𝐋𝐘 𝐌𝐀𝐊𝐄 𝐖𝐑𝐈𝐓𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐓𝐎𝐆𝐄𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐑 𝐀 𝐋𝐎𝐓 𝐄𝐀𝐒𝐈𝐄𝐑. REPOST DO NOT REBLOG !!

NAME : Orion, like the constellation.

PRONOUNS : they / them

PREFERENCE OF COMMUNICATION : No preference between Tumblr and Discord — just be mindful it can take me some time to reply.

NAME OF MUSE(S) : Francis Devereaux, Westley Ransom, Marin Gunderson, Mariano Verratti, Lucienne Agosti.

BEST EXPERIENCE : I've had so many. :) I feel like labeling things 'best' is divisive and takes away joy from other happy things. I am, however, so grateful for the friends I've made here.

RP PET PEEVES / DEALBREAKERS : Entitlement in all of it's forms to be honest. It's okay to have limits and boundaries — but it is very much up to you to curate your own space. That's what boundaries are. They're not 'I don't like this so you can't do it and it's inherently wrong that you do'... it's 'hey, I don't like this for myself and I don't want to see it - I can ask if the person can accommodate or I can curate my space in other ways or choose to walk away'. Boundaries are placed for yourself, not imposed on other people to bully them into changing. You can explain and ask nicely, but the other person is allowed to say 'I get it but I'm not gonna do that'. Calling someone out for what they choose to write consensually in their space is wrong and cruel. Your blog should be your safe space (and you're allowed to have squicks and triggers!) and others' should be theirs. Curate accordingly. When I come back, I plan to reread everyone's rules and make sure they still align with mine! That's why they're there. There are 43296348 callouts over fictional content which super erases the gravity of real harm. Fiction is not real harm, and when you throw big words out and accusations out to something being consensually written by two adults, you severely erase the gravity of irl harm, like the boy who cried wolf. Likewise, re: entitlement... no one owes anyone more than they are happy/willing/able to give, writing or otherwise. If that doesn't meet another person's friendship/partnership requirements, it's up to that person to then choose whether to compromise/realign their expectations or walk away.

MUSE PREFERENCES : It really depends on my muse, they're all different and have different likes/dislikes/hopes/wants/etc.

PLOTS OR MEMES : I enjoy both, but I love when we're both getting excited about our dynamics, so I feel like at some point, if we mesh, vague plotting is good. :)

LONG OR SHORT REPLIES : Both? It's difficult for me to condense to 2 paragraphs or less though. 3-5 is my sweet spot, though it is nice to sometimes have shorter (2 paragraph) responses.

BEST TIME TO WRITE : ...listen. We're running on vibes... and also trying to find time where we can to play catch up.

ARE YOU LIKE YOUR MUSE(S) : I think so, yes. They are their own, but they each carry a part of me.

Tagged by: stolen. thieve it.

[rin-and-jade]

For those who want to finally open up about their plurality to their own friends and families for multiple reasons, but don't know how to do it or know who is safe opening up to, heres the guide for you coming from my experience!

For irl people

Skim the person's attitude/personality. make sure there are green flags such as: - they're open + always accept new things, and respect it - they're not prone to judging or doubting you - they're the person you genuinely feel comfy with - overall just a decent person who isn't toxic okay

Start the topic slowly. - choose one of your headmate as a representative, someone who is good with communicating and handling the situation - plan how you want to say it to ensure staying on track of what needs to be said - express how you feel to give the person a context of the situation and your overall concern about them to take it seriously - choose a good timing then say the thing you've planned and cross your fingers, you can start with something like "i thought i just had a bad memory but __ ". It's a rare chance they are educated or know the surface level in this topic (and they might even say some media depicted of plurality), so be patient since the people i've told never gets it until days or week, and to process things - if it's successful make sure you give them some articles to read because it will help them a bunch instead of you explaining from 0

Introducing your life as plurality to them. - if you live or meet them often, they will sometimes ask which person is currently out (they'll be able to memorize all the gentle hints of who is who after a long time), you can try planning ways how to let them know who is out with something obvious that you couldn't do when masking, for each person - take it slow, people usually see nothing is different as first impression but it will be when you slowly introduce your people one by one and had some conversations - i always thank them for understanding and trying to accommodate us, we also need to appreciate the huge effort you know, this is also a good time to clear up some misunderstandings about views of plurality if they have any

Profit!

For online people

Choose the right person - make sure its a person who trusts you and you trust them too - the same with the rest parts from above for flagging

Planning how to do it - you can use video call, or normal call, or do it by text - ask when its a good time to talk about something important - and all other parts from the other number 2, but done online

Introducing your life as plurality to them, but online - set up a discord server with pk/tupperbox for you and them to talk at, but we use this way since its easier - or if you don't want that you can keep your anonymity or use initials at the end of messages - you can introduce who is who by flashcards accompanied by drawing or photo reference (or picrew) but its not necessary - talking on texts means its easier for the person to misunderstand things, please talk as clear as possibles - they might be curious so be prepared for questions if they're interested in this

Also profit!!

- j

[coffee-in-veins]

New player anon again, thank you for your fantastic reply!! I'll admit there were a couple od things that I disagree with but I'm sure that stems more from my lack of enough research to these character's backstories

Someone in your replies had also said that it's better to consider the DD1 and DD2 characters as seperate entities and I can't help but agree. After all, the jump in premise from "exploring the cursed dungeon and driving back nasty monsters" to "literally saving the world from a bigger eldritch horror than last time" is a bit much in terms of upping the stakes. After all, while in DD1 it seemed believeable that warriors would come to the hamlet to be hired and were there for their own selfish reasons...what sort of reason is there for the DD cast to want to take on the apocalypse itself? The way I see it, most of the cast saw the dungeon crawling as a job, but I cannot see them tackling the DD2 big bad from the virtue of their hearts. Perhaps the Protege hired them but ehh...less believable than the Heir hiring them idk

Also DD1's main color palette being red is cooler than DD2's main color palette being blue lol

sorry for the late reply, irl just keeps getting to me and i have just enough energy for silly reports but nothing too serious

i'd love to hear things you disagree with, personally, because discussing characters is my passion, and even if i disagree with someone's take, it's always interesting to see how they justify it - if they justify it, and it's not, well, just a preference

starting with something easy - i would disagree that DD2 is "blue". Sure, the Ingress is blueish-black, but I guess it's more of a continuation of the "cosmic" theme. Blue/cyan/green are usually the colours of the "celestial" in the DD as far as I can see - take The Colour of Madness, for example - it's cyan, blue and grey, mostly, and those are the colours we somewhat see in Tangle and Shroud, locations "infected" by something cosmic/celestial. Meanwhile, red/black/purple are the colours of the Darkest Dungeon, The Heart, Crimson Curse (mixed with white), Cultists and whatever comes "from below", and they can be seen in Foetor and its assumed connection to Flesh and Sluice/Warrens to a lesser degree. besides, new location of Sprawl is definitely not blue, so i'm not sure what are you about here... the infodumps before each run? i'd call them grey. the Altar of Hope? it's always purple it's also grey. could you point what you mean by "being blue" here?

and regarding the other point you bring up... that's the issue i have! those are NOT different characters, this is NOT a different world, and we have quotes, items and characters to prove that. Baldwin says that he used to be religious when he interacts with Holy Beads in an inn. we meet Caretaker as Hoarder and at least some of the characters note that he is familiar to them. the one who teaches your heroes upped skills is none other than Guild Lady. we get Ethereal Dust and Otherwordly Fragment from The Sleeper. we get The Blood and The Wine from Crimson Court. hell, we see fully grown Willbur and Wilbur's Flag, much like we get those in DD1.

Damian is the most obvious and the latest living (?) proof of DD2 being a direct sequel of DD1, if Protege's story wasn't screaming it loud enough, since he and his Professor narrowly escaped (or Professor didn't quite manage to) being turned into the Necromancer from DD1.

frankly, if those were separate bubbles, separate branches of reality, i'd have a lot less gripe with DD2 lore- and character-wise, but (unfortunately?) RH go out of their way to prove how it IS a continuation of DD1, story-wise. that this is the same Dismas, that this Para is the same Para, and that Baldwin still somehow can get double leprosy.

also: the reason why they want to take a fight to an apocalypse can be, quite literally, a desire to survive or die trying; if they don't fight the apocalypse they'll die 100%. if they do fight the apocalypse... well, realistically, they still die 100% but they feel better about themselves. but this is not what happens in the game.

speaking of which.

my biggest gripe with DD2 is that it feels... "hollywood-y", for lack of a better term. a pack of socially undesirable underdogs, stopping the end of the world they have literally no way/no means/not enough understanding to stop by the power of drugs and friendship and maybe a gun they found along the way. let me explain.

in DD1 it was a war of attrition, either you mismanage your town (and yes, you have a whole town bending to your will and serving you, providing for you and implementing whatever you want and can afford), or whittle down cultists and horrors and breach in to... not win, no and this is an extremely important distinction, here! - but to return things to the status quo. the Heir(ess) cannot win against the Heart. they simply cannot. it's not a thing a human, cursed or not, can do. they can only perpetuate the cycle and return things to the start by stockpiling corpses of their mercs high as the sky in an attempt to do so. again, you have a whole town at your disposal and you can't win, you can only win more time which, in the end, is futile since it's a continuation of the cycle. notice you can't do anything about The Heart just as you can't do much about the Sleeper but return them to the start of the sleeping cycle, unlike more "corporeal" beings like Countess, Flesh, etc.

now, in DD2, you canonically have: a guy who nearly became the Necromancer's right shinbone, two horses, a wooden box with wheels and four traumatized people who had already seen some shite. no planning, no whittling, no attrition, no army, self-made as it was in DD1. and you do the biggest sin of the cosmic horror genre - you WIN. not survive. not escape with a few scars, a forever shattered sanity and a grey head. not return things to the feeble status quo by a MacGuffin and a connection to some cosmic entity (or being a larva of one). win. if you count the inn stops, the game is four days long. think about it. you WIN against an apocalyptic calamity which fucks up the entire WORLD (not some province, not even a country or a continent, not some lost backwater estate, the WHOLE WORLD) in four days. twenty if you want to be pedantic and include all five chapters. twenty five in we're being generous and adding sluice. twenty five days to win the unwinnable. i think the quickest i've seen DD1 finished was 16 weeks...? and again, that wasn't a win, narrative-wise even if the player won against the final boss. it was a draw, a reboot because you shouldn't be able to win against the cosmic horror. it's not how cosmic horror works...

please note, i'm not trying to diminish your love for DD2. go for it, enjoy what i have issues with, i'll be happy to see the fandom having new people and new takes. if you can explain or maybe just not care about it all, i genuinely envy you and wish i could, too. alas, here i am, overthinking the rule of cool and why RH does what they do.

[0mn1catalyst]

Finally, a non-political post, but that doesn’t change the Trigger Warning for sensitive subjects. I’ve been having strange dreams lately and felt I could use some input from the internet. I’ve had three dreams I remember fairly well and about half of the dreams I’ve had since then are relatively the same in structure to each other. If anyone knows anything about dreams (or cosmic horror???), insight would be greatly appreciated!~

(To be clear, these dreams physically feel different from any other I’ve had and have had subconscious effects to my irl, so I know it’s not a coincidence)

This first one starts with me running into the cafe on the college campus my friends & partners go to, absolutely decking a robotic doppelgänger of myself. Seeing them, I knew we fought before, but I wasn’t going to be beat by them again. That being said, my ass almost gets beaten to a pulp, again. Though, as the doppelgänger monologues about how I’m broken and need to be replaced by a model that won’t malfunction, my partner (the one that if I didn’t meet, I would either have killed myself or taken over the world like some super villain) did something, granting me an ever changing form that after a few moments settled in a feminine form, in line with how I see my true self (yeah I’m trans-fem, not important right now). Of course, using my new power I wiped the doppelgänger off the face of “reality,” and spent time with my friends, trying to figure out all of the new things that I was capable of. One or two weeks later at the same campus, the SCP Foundation’s MTF busted through every window in the cafe and attempted to capture me. Due to my new strengths, they realized that wasn’t working and resorted to striking a deal with me. They would be able to research what I was capable of, and I was allowed to be out while being monitored (to keep people safe, obviously). I saw no harm in letting them try to understand what I was now, and I didn’t really want this to be a repeating thing every time I go out, so I agreed. Not much happened after, but I remember there was some kind of testing that didn’t yield very impressive results.

My partner, the same person specifically mentioned in the last dream, heard that there was a little farmers market event being held by an after school program for the grade-schoolers in the area. While not really being a person that likes getting out much or someone with any money, I agreed to go anyway. When we got there, we met some old friends that weren’t in the same grade as us when we graduated and we looked around for anything we could buy from the shops. At the time, I only had $2. yeah, I’m broke and already feel bad about it. Anyway, I couldn’t buy shit, but there was a little shop (if I can even call it that. The person running it was one of the employees who ran the program at the time, and she was just sitting in between a table and the front desk. She offered to show me what she was selling, but even after I told her that I wouldn’t be able to afford anything, they insisted saying that everything they wanted to sell was two dollars. In an effort to not seem rude, I looked through their wares. I remember there were four rings, but I only remember two of them, a gold ring with a digital watch face that had some officially licensed Pokemon mobile games that I had never seen before. I already was wearing my apple watch, so I didn’t really need it, she understood. That’s how it went with the other two I don’t remember, but the last one had me intrigued. It was an obsidian ring but while one edge was smooth and clean, the other was chipped and jagged as if it had been fashioned into a blade. Of course, noticing the pattern with the previous three odd rings, I asked “So, what does this one do?” They looked at me, a few moments of silence pass, and they respond with “It grants power rewind it grants wishes rewind it grants dreams, the only catch is if you were to remove the ring you would die.” I pondered my position, remembering my previous dream. Was that what I dreamt for myself? Not knowing what I was, but knowing that I was powerful? Realizing that knowing in this case wasn’t necessary, only being, I bought the ring. As I put it on, my body shifted to the same Eldridge form from the previous dream, and in the void of my mind I saw a code. One that has only been used in my journal so I may hide my secrets in plain sight and only share them with those I see fit. When I woke up, I forgot what the encrypted message was and I don’t think I’ll ever see it again (my bad). [At some point, I’ll draw the ring and put it here]

Ok, my bad, but this is the only one that I can’t describe in detail. I remember the part in my perspective better. Speaking of, This one starts from the perspective of an astronaut in a space station with about 11 other people. Something happened, it turns into a murder mystery. Some sleuthing happens, some drones malfunction, and one of the crew is found stuffing a bloody fur suit into a desk drawer so the case is solved. It wasn’t the person hiding evidence, it was the now dead furry! (Ignore the other dirty fur suits hidden in and under the desk) Now is when it stops feeling like a normal dream. The perspective changes to an observation deck overlooking a test chamber with a UFO looking space pod on four thin legs. Someone out of frame says to take them out of the simulation. After a scientist pulls a lever, he pod quickly rockets up from the concrete floor of the test chamber into the ceiling, scratching a large hole into and through it. Soon after it became airborne, it falls to the ground as quickly as it rose. once it lands, a panel opens letting the crew from the previous part of the dream out into the test chamber painted to look as if it’s outside. They’re treated like heroes? Last change in perspective for this dream, I swear. I look around a concrete building as I enter it, I know it’s an office building but I can’t help but notice that the whole place is built like an underground prison. Walking around I find the cafeteria, and while it really isn’t helping fend off the prison allegations, it was early and I didn’t get to eat. Most of the food was self served, except for meats and desserts. Fine, what’s wrong with human interaction? As I got my food though, I realized I couldn’t recognize a pattern, and of course I investigated (plus I could get some dessert out of my side quest). I got in line, where the person in front of me was taking forever to order. As I started to grow impatient, I noticed that people in the line were being treated differently than others, and it wasn’t by gender or race, but I could tell it was something different about how the people who were serving the food were looking at some people and how they treated them. Minutes pass. I grew impatient. I asked if I could order a small premade cake while they figure out what to order, because if this takes much longer I could be late to the meeting I was there for. the previously smiling worker turned and looked at me out of anger and annoyance, snapping at me to wait my turn and that I was lucky she was even considering not giving me any food at all for daring to talk to her out of turn. I was reasonably confused, and the people behind me began to look tired, some leaving the line. After i got my dessert, I ate thinking to myself that I needed to do something about this place. [I will also make a sketch of the UFO thing at one point, that’ll probably go here]

Now for the ones that have been randomly coming up.

They usually start in a remote warehouse similar to the big empty ones you see in animated Batman shows, but you can’t see either end as a large anthropomorphic animal (typically some kind of commonly known predator. Cat, wolf, goat, you get the idea). The large Beast speaks to a figure, bathing in the only light in the room. They mostly talk about the typical consumer and how the raising costs of living is at an all time high, and how someone like them should be more than willing to hire more workers, paying them their fair wages or lowering the cost of things people need to live. The figure runs into the darkness away from the Beast, until they are too tired to keep running. The Beast appears before them, looking down, pitting the poor fool. One cannot out run this creature in a realm of itself, nor can run from the consequences of their actions. The Beast offers to make a deal with the figure, “Do your part in fixing the natural order of man and corporation, and I won’t have to do it for you. You are not a necessary cog in machine you created, and no one will cry if you were to say, disappear.” Each figure would have their response, but it always ends the same. Either they agree and fix their part of the system, or are consumed by the Beast, never to be seen, heard, or thought of again. [I might try to draw this, but I am no artist. If I do try, it might be here, but don’t count on me sharing] If I continue to talk about this, I might make a tag for it, but we’ll see.

[nightcall99]

Dreams from 18.5.24

Dream 1 He keeps saying he loves me. I feel it is true but I don't believe him so I don't say it back. I am at our old house in the bedroom getting ready to go out with my family. I keep changing my mind with what I’m wearing. I've got on a comfortable outfit, a tracksuit as if I'm about to attend a P.E class but I keep looking in the mirror and second guessing myself. He is standing right beside me, our sides are touching and he keeps whispering in my ear that he loves me but my heart is completely closed to it. Is it even him? I'm getting confused between the energy of him and my ex. I think at one point, we embrace even though we shouldn’t have and I’m thinking, am I really attracted to him romantically? Or like platonically? (like with my ex). As I head downstairs, I see three massive plastic tubs that are stacked on top of each other, filled with slices of cake. The type of cake with copious amounts of pale cream icing, like leftovers from a wedding or other huge celebration event.

My parents are outside. They're in the front yard of our current house, even though I just came downstairs from our old house. They are sitting on the ground and around them are random scattered parts of a pram or something to do with the car. They are trying to fix this contraption I suppose, so we can go. My auntie (who we never talk to) and grandma (who's dead now) are waiting and sitting on chairs in the near distance around where the letterboxes are. I don’t want to greet them so I keep my distance. I want to help my parents but I don't know how. I feel inadequate just standing there. Then my father says to me, you are no longer my worst daughter, your sister is. I feel awkward about this revelation, I was glad to be in his good books but not at the expense of my sibling.

Dream 2 I'm at work and it's busy. I am dealing with a customer and it's taking a long time. Then the student informs me there is someone on the phone waiting to speak to me. It seems like a bigger issue than the one I'm currently dealing with but I obviously have to do things in order. And it has to be me who deals with it too, since the impression is that something is wrong, like missing tablets or the wrong strength. But after I serve the current person, I appear at home where I’m having a shower and I have forgotten all about the phone call. I feel bad. Shit. But also whatever I don’t care. I'll just let the student eventually take the call and deal with it, she’s perfectly capable.

Dream 3 My siblings and I are getting ready to go to our kid cousin's birthday party (who we have never spoken to irl). My parents are already there and we have to go and meet them, the party is taking place right now. We get into the car and even though I'm in the driver's seat, my sister who is in the front passenger seat, is the one who is actually driving. There are steering wheels on both sides. She's doing a good job of it too. She's sitting back in the chair and the wheel is really close to her person, which I find strange because it's detached from the car itself. We arrive at the venue, it's quite fancy and grand but there's barely anyone around. A customer walking past recognises me but I ignore him. We walk around trying to find the room where the party is happening but we can't find it. After awhile we just end up going home and chill in our rooms. When my parents and relatives arrive home, they've barely gotten through the door before they start hurling anger at us for missing the party. I say something in Viet to my mother, something along the lines of we couldn’t find the room, but she mocks me because I pronounced one of the words wrong. I snap at her saying, How dare you mock me when I tried my best. I go back into the bedroom where my sister is. She looks different, prettier, like more radiant. She said she had gotten some permanent makeup done in the style that she usually does her makeup. A tattoo. I saw faint black lines on the creases of her lids which created a nice shadow and I thought she looked lovely.

[boba-beom]

Angel,

There are 3 hours left for your birthday and I’m saddened I couldn’t celebrate it with you sooner! (Will let you know why privately)

I had something special prepared for you but I would like to tell you a few words!

01-20-22 was the first day we talked! You wanna what it was about? It was about how our birthday were exactly one month apart!

During this time I was new to tumblr I was new to discord and wanted a place to fit in! You made my time to the new environment really easy for me!

We became friends in no time! I know there’s distance between us but I gained a close friend, someone I trust and can go to whenever I need to. Someone who has shown me endless amount of love, and support. That distance becomes just distance when you look at the bond we’ve created!

You are someone so special and important and the people around you, my self included are so happy to have someone as sweet, loving, kind, smart, funny person like you!

I definitely consider you one of my online bestfriends because you truly know things about me that my irl friends don’t know!

I love and miss our late night talks whether it was late night for me or late night for you! We need to voice call asappppp!

I think it goes without saying but you truly get how I feel like no one else does! I think it confirmed that we are a different kind when we were losing our mind because of that one taehyun laugh followed by his “진짜” you remember that angel? How we both literally lost it at one word. Only taehyun will do that for you only taehyun hahah.

This might sound cheesy and you know what I’m okay with that but you are the Beomgyu to my Yeonjun! Quite literally 🥺💗

I hope we get to meet each other soon and go to all the food places so we can do our little asmr mukbang! Not only for that but to finally be able to see you and I just know we will spend hours talking and talking(I hope your sister is okay with that hahah). I don’t think there has ever been a dull moment or conversation that I’ve had with you!

I mean we can go from crying about how life is shitty to talking about how we’d want redacted to redact redact redact lol(based on true story I don’t know if you remember when we called on ig that one time you were in the ph)

I just wanna hype you up a bit but girlllll YOU ARE GORGEOUS!! STUNNING!!!!! I think I’ve shared this a few times but I when I first joined and saw your photos I was like she’s soooo gorgeous and your style!! YOUR STYLE!!!! I am in love with ! (Send your girl some pointers hahaha) I think you have such pretty eyes and I love your hair!!!!! YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL OKAYYY!!

I have to take some time to also mention how you are so down to help anyone who needs it! I know you were there for me helping me when I was going to post my very first fic! Not to mention you were instantly willing to help with my theme which so many people loved and complimented! You are always there for me during hard times even to just listen!

I love that we have matching pfp 🥺 do you remember what started it? It was when the tribute stage performance for weverse con came out and we were obsessed with the with the burgundy silk shirts and the fans and beomgyu long hair! We were in the nsfw section just sending a bunch of “🦋🐱🦋🐱🦋🐱🦋🐱” then we both changed our pfp and it was accidentally matching so we’ve been matching since then! I think it’s really cute and special 🥺

I would just lastly like to say how much you mean to me to me and that no matter where life takes us you will always have a special place in my heart and mind! I love love love love you so much! I hope you had a great day and I can’t wait till I hear all about it 🥺💗 I miss you Lots Angel!

I am always here for you!

I hope you have the happiest of birthdays! 🥳

HappySmilesDay 💗

Oh p.s. I got me cake yesterday and I sang hbd to you before I ate it but my dumbass took the video on Snapchat and forgot to save it! 😩

Angie 🥹 thank you isn’t enough to show how grateful I am to have you in my life. you’re like a hidden gem I didn’t know that I would eventually keep along with me from day to day. I do remember bonding over our birthdays and it all stemmed from there!

you and I both know so well that I will always be there for you and anyone if they need 🫶🏼 wasn’t called smiles for no reason (I’m sorry lmao that was cheesy). I also find it so amusing just how easily we relate together. I’ve enjoyed every single interaction, moment, call, voice note, squealing about taehyun’s laugh and his ‘진짜‘, and all of the above.

lmao the fact that we can go on and on, talking about whatever but it’s okay, yappers will be yappers and that’s us 🤭 no matter what it is we just manage to hold it out well!

thank you for the compliments and plenty of your kind words 🥹 I have so much love for you, I hope you always know that! and I can’t wait for the day we meet! I’m sure it will bring us closer than we already are 🫶🏼

I have so much more to say but it can wait for another special day 🤭 I love you so much and you are always going to be the yeonjun to my beomgyu 🤍 I miss you lots and I hope you’re always taking care of yourself!

take your time with everything and I love you a hundred times over!!! thank you for the cute beomjun pictures and the cake is super cute 😭 you’re so precious, Angel!

[pendularium]

vaugeposting about one of my closest friends on a site he doesn't use just because I need to get this out and I don't really want any actual advice on what to do thank you very much

in case anyone actually does run into this and read it (unlikely) depression&suicidal ideation warnings I guess

I'm one of the most active members of every groupchat I'm in. The main one I'm going to rant about (because in my other friend group groupchat this Doesn't Happen) has around 15 members, with 10 of those being people who I'd consider actual friends rather than friends of friends.

Of those 10 I see some of them really often - one almost daily. And yet.

In the groupchat I am one of the most active, with two others maybe also being as active as me, I'm going to call the one I'll be talking about L (random letter, yes I know this isn't reddit).

My biggest issue is probably with L in that he responds to basically everything I say with fucking stock responses? Like I love him he's a wonderful human being, and I know irl the reason we're not that close is because neither of us try (imo we just have too similar of personalities...) This is a full on random vent post so. My other main issue with L is that I have tried to do stuff - and while he's been more receptive than Anyone Else (we also go to Uni together, and do a weekly-ish meet up in someone's room to hang out and drink, I have one of the largest rooms of any of us, I have offered it up repeatedly but noooo. Can't have that can we.) he still has very much just brushed me aside? Like he has tea sessions with some others, and he has acted all surprised that I wasn't invited - AS IN another of our friends casually said to me 'oh you know where L's room is, you go over for tea' and he's referenced happenings to me expecting me to get them (have I fucking watched brideshead revisited with you indeed), but he won't actually invite me.

and this + the stock responses stuff? It's partly the fault of online communication - where it is seemingly PERFECTLY FUCKING OKAY to just peace out of a conversation without saying anything?? like am I going insane or is it polite to just say bye. Especially on WhatsApp I can see that you have seen my message. Just say anything?? (But equally he gives me these same responses in person?)

(I know this is a me problem, another friend who's on the gc has said before that he thinks it's rude if people reply saying that they can't attend something rather than just not responding. needless to say I disagree...+ just general life stuff)

Like L is physically one of the closest of my friends at uni, as in we live in buildings right next to each other, but I just. I don't connect with him. He doesn't initiate conversation with me. nobody does.

I remember reading a while ago about a guy who felt like he hadn't really made any friends, and so just stopped responding to the people he knew to test if they'd get back to him, and they didn't. And later on he went to therapy and realised that he didn't initiate anything, and that he was putting the whole burden of friendship on them. I remember reading that and thinking is this me? do I not do enough? But equally, I have suggested outings and been ignored or rejected or have only one to two people respond. I try to start conversations, I tell people about my life, ask them how they're doing. And still I feel like I'm alone.

A few years ago, before I got into uni, I was incredibly depressed. Had a plan and everything. Gave myself an ultimatum. One of the areas that distressed me the most was feeling like I just couldn't connect with my friends. I know now why - I can rationalise it out; one was having similarly dire mental crises, with another our interests had just drifted apart over time, and with a third it was a deeply toxic relationship that consisted of her constantly lying and being cruel, and me silently hating her but still staying friends out of fear? pity?

There's a difference between being lonely and being alone. One of those you can feel even when surrounded by people who'd all call themselves friend.

I'm a lot older now than I was then. After lockdowns, I moved to a new area, met new people, and like. I felt good about myself and life again. I started going on walks, looking up at the stars at night and seeing how light fell across fields of wheat in the morning. Laughed more, was just generally happier than I felt like I'd ever been. And a key part of that was my friends at the time; unlike now, friendship felt easy, uncomplicated.

And now I'm back in the same place, older and ostensibly wiser, but really just stuck. Different location, different people, but there's something always in the way, and that something seems to lie exclusively with me.

My mother also has had a hard time making and keeping friends, ended up in several friendships where she gave everything to the other person in exchange for what would always turn out to be empty words and hurt. I don't want to be like her.

I want to talk to my friends, tell them about this, sit down and just say how I feel. Ask if we're friends, if L knows he's doing this. Get their side of everything! But equally, how can I do that? I know some of what L's been through in the past with emotionally unstable people, I don't want to just be that same person, put it all on him, because who else would listen!

but sometimes I'm not sure I really want to exist anymore. I don't want to die, just...stop. become nothingness, never was, never will be.

if I did die. did just walk into a road one day and get hit by a car, or have an aneurism, or just stopped working one day, act of god style, would they notice would they care? of course. but I'd never change anyone's life, and it feels selfish just saying that but. I'm an afterthought in the friend bubble, something disposable. if I left the group chat today, left the earth tomorrow, they might wonder, might even cry, but wouldn't care. I'd just be a name in a list, someone else gone.

I want to have friends.

I try to.

[mangodestroyer]

Unfortunately, I've known a handful of toxic people in my lifetime (toxic family leading to toxic dynamics in adult relationships because that behavior was familiar). I'm thinking about why some of these people gave me a weird feeling when I first met them.

I'm trying to get out more, so that the only time I'm out in public isn't just because I'm getting necessities and going to work. I've come to realize that even if I can pick up on a lot of stuff from text, I have grossly underestimated my ability to read body language. So I want to keep it in mind if I end up meeting someone new irl.

I was in a long distance relationship, and while things never sat right through text and video (they hardly ever wanted to video call me, which is a definite redflag for a partner), meeting them in person was a very different experience. I was excited when I got off the plane, only for them to get impatient with me on the phone and act very uninterested when I came up to their car. Seeing their demeanor just absolutely killed my mood. Again, I thought I was being weird for feeling... disappointed? I thought maybe I was nervous? But looking back, the complete lack of enthusiasm was just very strange. Especially considering how, when my friend met her long distance bf, they were so very clearly happy to see each other and cried when they parted ways. That's one thing that made me realize that whatever I had going on wasn't a loving relationship.

And ofc, I blamed myself for not doing enough to make my partner feel loved, because she just seemed really annoyed with me during the whole trip, constantly nitpicking on things like me wasting too much food, being too picky, telling me my hips would look better if I worked out rather than ate. And all these nitpicks were said in the most robotic, matter-of-fact tone, while other times she'd kind of just glare at me for doing something I didn't think would bother her. She also accused me of not caring about her. Not spending enough time around her. Maybe I am a little guilty of the second one, I just remember not feeling very good on that trip at all. I remembered feeling uncomfortable, anxious, and was dissociating pretty hard. I remember not even wanting to be in the same room as her dad because he really, REALLY set off alarms for me, but he was ALWAYS AROUND. At one point, half my body went numb and I just felt like I needed to sit down and get away from everyone. My ex found that very annoying. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was having a panic attack. Also, our time together didn't really feel like it was about us. She spent lots of time doing her own thing and talking to other people while I just sat there like a decoration, ig.

I know this example was long, but I think it shows a lot of the warning behaviors, as well as my own body's reactions to being in that environment and around those people. And again, over text, she could at least pretend to sound more enthusiastic, even though she was still negging and whatnot. But at the same time, all she ever wanted to do was rp her interest, which I shared at the time. And she liked to future fake and tell me to just move in with her already. It became a HUGE problem when I lost interest in the fandom we were in. That's when she really let out her true colors.

And why did I not see the issues with this relationship?

Some other behaviors I've noticed, in different people, are smirking, mean laughter, gazing into your soul, ignoring you, somehow misunderstanding a lot of things you say in the worst way possible (ex did this too tho), constant arguing, and the creepy fake kindness.

Idk if anyone else has noticed the smirk. But you know when a predatory individual thinks they won an argument against you, sees you fall for a lie, and listens to you expose a vulnerable part of yourself, they kind of just get this weird, evil smirk, like they got you? Sometimes, their eyes widen and they start staring at you like your prey. They may even compare you to prey (my roommate used to tell me I was like a mouse, which... I don't see it). It sounds so ridiculous. Like something that would only come out of fiction. But I swear, this is how my roommate used to look at me. It feels almost supernatural with how uncanny it is.

In fact, the smirk has to be the creepiest one imo. Most humans I've interacted with... just don't have that look on their face. I see it a little bit in some customers, but not quite like how my roommate does it. My brother is a good competitor.

And again, I would have thought this shit only happened in books or movies. You know those overly mean characters? Always smirking and giving the protag weird looks? Ig there are people like that irl. I didn't believe it until I saw relatives start doing it, and same with that roommate and some customers.

If I ever meet another potential friend or partner, I plan on journaling how I feel about them. Observe how they change, if they do. Reflect on how they make me feel. I'll try all the harder to listen to my gut. I'll keep things not-very-deep at first and take it slow.

[just-system-rambling]

our system just realised the other world we live in that runs parallel to this one, that we sometimes see happening in dreams, and in that one sometimes see this one in dreams. and the world both parallel worlds can access during sleep too, a liminal space where there are 2 or 3 entities we see as what is called "supernatural" or "higher planes" in both worlds, taught us a ton of things that kept us alive and safe, but otherwise is a space where we can create and do anything, it resets each time we go to it, we will use it to create super fun and super useful things, or we'll use it to play with energy and see how it can be manipulated.

but that might literally be two headspaces. and we didn't realise it because they both are such intensely real places we just assumed we happened to remember unlike others about there being multiple worlds people live in.

our whole system has rotated in and out of wondering if that makes us psychotic, even though it does no harm to us or others, it is just a side effect for our life. it does have the negative impact of us not being afraid of death - in our mind, this world would just be restarted.

but if it's just a headspace. that feels so damn real. we don't have access to it while we are awake at all. it's totally cut off other than remembering basics about it. we remember more about the liminal space than the other world.

but if it is. that explains why our therapist wasn't extremely worried about it. because we told her about it, i think, and mentioned worrying that it was a psychotic belief to see it as real.

but if it is.... we can't change viewing it as an extremely real and important place, it doesn't explain how we will meet people irl and realise we already met them in the other world, no one is exactly the same, but our memories from the other world of them DOES impact our view of them in both worlds, it doesn't explain the fact that 2 or 3 entities literally taught us shit we had no other chance of learning because of how severe the neglect and abuse we endured was. none of the entities were in human form - if we asked, they showed us a semi-human form, but they were spirits, semi invisible moving colours with variation in how they showed shape.

one of the entities taught us how to manage stuff internally. how to sense people's emotions. how to predict their actions. how to see the reasoning for other people's actions, reactions. basically increasing how observant we were. validating our anger.

he was the first one we met. he taught us how to learn from the people outside where we had a bed to sleep in by watching. he's the reason we learned to identify quickly, whether someone was going to be an asshole or not. he's the reason the adults, when we were young, were terrified of us. he's the reason we always spoke truth and that terrified those who were trying to keep power over us. you can't successfully abuse someone who knows how you abuse. he's best seen as this orangeish colour, but closer to purple/brown, depending on the time. he didn't take any particular shape. sometimes he was like rain, a hug, a memory-form, but most often fog.

the next entity was either the same as the last in different coloured form, or was separate. this one was what is now our favourite colour, blueish green, like tropical ocean water.

they never had a gender. it's her fault we have such a complex system of managing everything going on. they worked with the green one, to fix every suicide attempt. i dont know much else of what she did, but I know she taught a lot of us a ton of stuff that is inherent in everything we do.

the last one is the green one, but it's more of a greenish blue, just more like light swamp water. she almost always is the one that's interfered now when things need to be fixed, when we need to know something new.

all of them come from this higher entity, they've never stated what or who that entity is, and they've never said if it's one or multiple entities. for a long time when we were really young, we assumed it was the Christian god. as we found our way out of that religion, we found that we saw that higher entity more like a "source" entity, where life comes from.

all 3 (or 2) of them have confirmed numerous times, they've all been assigned to keep us alive and survive. some of our attempts to die were actually us being angry at them for not helping, because we knew it would be a way to get them to step in that night. we have this saying inside of "if you're going to let us suffer, I'm going to make you suffer too". sometimes they DO say something like 1-3 words in response to us asking something internally, though their communication feels way different than our internal telepathy.

but we've never seen anything with anyone talking about THAT complex of headspaces. about being explicitly taught major skills for emotional intelligence, recognition of emotions in the self and others, without the experience and learning when awake in this world.

even worse, we've never seen or heard about any systems exclusively accessing their headspace during dreams. our real headspaces, the ones we know are headspaces, they are specific locations we've lived or been a lot, we can change doors in nightmares if they are there to escape into one and get out of the nightmare.

if those worlds are just super complex headspaces, at least we would know why others don't seem to know the other worlds they are in. because others might just not actually live in multiple worlds.