#we could have had it allllll etc.

[thought-42]

Nate, Maggie and Sterling: actively engaging in psychological warfare as foreplay, cheerfully using each other as chew toys at every available opportunity

Sophie, a professional grifter and lifelong student of human behavior, already pulling out her notebook and microscope: 'yes I'll take them, no I don't need a receipt'

[wombywoo]

Please, I want to hear more about Danny and the loss of his arm and how he felt about it! We know Quinn blames himself and has distanced himself from Danny because of it, but does Danny know that? It makes me wonder if, after Quinn starts to settle down and become happy with Vincent, he realises how much he misses Danny / can accept what happened and gets back to being bffs with him.

More Danny content, let's gooooo

All in all, I think Danny getting his arm cut off was more traumatizing for Quinn, lol. That isn't to say he wasn't affected by it, but Danny is way better at rationalizing things and seeing the positives. You could say he's allllll right (rip to his left arm 💪🙏🕊️ never forgotten...)

It takes adjusting in the beginning, especially because he's a fit man in the prime of his life and this is the worst injury he's ever endured, but he's determined to not be held back by his new disability. In fact, he's the type of guy who will make lame jokes about it whenever he can (see above lame joke). Concerning his best friend's reaction, he's much more inclined to focus on the fact that hey--Quinn saved his life! That's certainly better than being dead, eh? It's obvious to him that Quinn harbors immense guilt over it, because the prick can't even look him in the eye, and has started avoiding his calls. But Danny's assured him multiple times that he doesn't blame him in the slightest. He feels indebted to him, if anything, but Quinn will never see it that way.

Maybe it's the fact that Danny has his girlfriend Jazmine around all the time now, as they've rekindled their previous romance after she went to see him in the hospital. Jaz is super sweet and caring, but Danny gets the feeling Quinn is avoiding her (and by extension, him) on purpose. After making an effort to introduce Quinn and have him over a few times, it's clear that he doesn't want anything to do with Jaz, and Danny's not sure if this is just his regular brand of antisocial, or that Quinn's....jealous. (he is)

For Quinn, this feels like the inevitable end of their friendship, and he's using the injury as a way to stockpile all the blame and shame he's felt about his part in their relationship for years. In his eyes, he'd been a horrible friend--being a constant source of anxiety for Danny due to his reckless behavior, forcing him to assist him with his visions, imposing his feelings by trying to kiss him, etc. He knows Danny doesn't love him *like that*, especially after seeing him with Jazmine, so he doesn't want to expose them both to that extreme level of commitment anymore. It's just...so damn difficult because Danny is his best (and probably only) friend. But at this point, Quinn figures it might as well be better to just leave him alone and move on; he's got Jaz now, and they seem happy, really happy, but god..he wishes they weren't but he's not gonna be some needy freak trying to break them up..he'll get over it...he will...

With Vincent, things only escalate further. After he and Quinn establish their romantic relationship, Danny has...concerns. Danny had been there throughout all of Quinn's turbulent flings, so he has an understanding of his best friend's preferences--charming, usually dangerous, manipulative older men. And to him, Vincent seems to fit that bill exactly. Watching Quinn silently suffer through his relationship with Marc, Danny regretted not seeing the signs and stepping in earlier. Now that he's introduced to Vincent, his instinct is to assume this is another one of Quinn's reckless, risky hookups. The man appears inherently dangerous to Danny, his recent encounter with a vampire still fresh in his mind. So yeah...he's not very accepting at first. In fact, he actively objects to their relationship and has a massive fight with Quinn about it. Quinn, poor emotionally-oblivious fool that he is, takes this as Danny's belated realization that he has feelings for him after all, and then things just get even more messy 😓

They fight. Nasty things are said. Regrets are had.

It takes a while, but eventually, Danny becomes convinced of Vincent's true character. His friendship with Quinn is still on the rocks, but it's seeing Vincent's sincerity and the way he openly displays his devotion to Quinn that allows Danny to accept them both. He still feels this weird guilt about Quinn, this constant urge to protect his best friend, even from himself, but knowing that Vincent is very much in love with him and keeps his safety and happiness as his main priority is a massive relief.

They may not ever hold that same level of devotion they'd fostered after years of service and trauma together, but Quinn and Danny settle into a more natural, comfortable friendship over time. Quinn accepts and apologizes to Jazmine, as does Danny to Vincent, and the four of them develop an awkward sort of camaraderie. But they're still best friends, after everything. And they do, eventually, begin to forgive themselves for the private guilt they still carry on each other's behalf

[azrielstarsand]

Sweat (18+)

summary: after a few odd months of living with austin, he and the blonde decide to take their relationship to a whole new level.

word count: 5220

warnings: very brief mention of elvis' death, loss of virginity, outdated thoughts and feelings towards homosexuality, fingering, unprotected anal sex, daddy kink, biting, sub space, elvis slipping into littlespace, aftercare, etc.

notes: this was meant to just be a simple smut fic to piss off people that hate me for writinng gay elvis porn, but i ended up going allllll out. 5k words of smut, feelings, and an au i need fo flesh out. uhh enjoy. also shout out to my beta reader @dontbeecruel and @superbatson for the moodboard 🫶🏽

he felt like he was floating.

he always felt like he was floating when he was with austin. something about the blonde made him feel warm and tingly. it was a mix of things, really– his icy blue eyes, his tousled blonde locks, his soft, full-looking pink lips, his cologne, the deep, honeyed tones of his voice….

elvis found himself questioning a lot of things about himself since he began living with austin. he always knew he liked women, but he never even considered men. mainly because it was taboo then, to be gay, and extremely frowned upon by most people. nearing the 60s and 70s of course, it was starting to get more talked about and acknowledged, but elvis was far too busy at that point. and then he…

…nevermind that. now that he was forced to think about that part of himself, he was overwhelmed. whenever austin would wrap an arm around him, or hug him, or do little things for him- like make his breakfast or buy him something that he liked, his heart would skip a beat. austin seemed so casual about all the affection, like he was used to being this close with another man. elvis had never probed him about his dating history, but he had his suspicions about him being less than straight.

but did he have any room to judge? people have said the same about him. austin always said that his sexuality didn’t matter, and that he’d help him explore it if he wanted. elvis asked what he meant by that, and looking back at that conversation– he didn’t know how he didn’t see that austin was hitting on him.

now, here elvis was, his face all red and sweaty as he laid back on the plush mattress. he's never been this nervous about sex before– but then again he's never had sex with another man before. especially not one this beautiful. sure, when he was younger, he had thought about it in fits of curiosity, but he never went through with it at all.

and now here was austin, shuffling up to him on his knees with a downright predatory look in his eye. his large, cool hands were resting idly on elvis’ knees, holding his thighs apart so he could see all of him. it should have been humiliating, letting another man see the most forbidden parts of himself- but austin made him feel warm. appreciated.

“ready?” the blonde asked in that oddly gentle voice of his, his long middle finger idly tracing lines against his skin as he trailed further down. elvis could only nod stiffly, his body hot and tingling and tense as austin’s hand slowly made its way to the pink skin of his untouched rim.

he felt so ashamed and exposed in that single moment, like he was standing in a crowd of adoring fans completely nude. it was horribly mortifying, but somewhat exciting, oddly. austin made him feel so many things at once– it was dizzying.

elvis let out a whine that could only be described as pathetic. austin paused, and looked at him with an amused expression.

“i haven't even pushed in yet.” he laughed softly, tilting his head.

“shut up!” elvis grunted, draping an arm over his eyes. “god– jus’, get on with it.” he muttered, embarrassed.

austin continued his slow movements, his slick finger rubbing gentle circles around his now slick rim, warming up the once-cold lube. after elvis had relaxed a bit from his gentle ministrations- he slowly pressed his finger inside of his tight heat.

it felt weird, admittedly. his finger was long and cool, gently poking and prodding inside of him. austin felt around, like he was searching methodically for something, making elvis squirm around like a fish out of water.

“q-quit pokin’ around in me–!” he complained, his cheeks reddening, before getting cut off by his own gasp as austin pressed the pad of his finger against an oddly tender spot inside of him.

his pink cock gave a little twitch at the stimulation, a little pearl of precum drooling from the tip of his cock.

“there it is,” the blonde grinned somewhat mischievously, rubbing the pad of his finger against the spot slowly. “feel that? feels good, doesn't it?”

elvis all but whimpered, his thighd twitching as if he didn't know whether he wanted to spread them or close them. “wh-what the hell– what is tha–” he panted, unable to keep speaking as the sensation sent a shockwave of pleasure through his body.

“it’s your prostate,” austin hummed simply. “the male g-spot, basically. don't worry, i won't play with it too much.” he chuckled, rubbing at the spot a few more times before curling the digit. “don’t want you t’cum too quick.”

he thrust his finger deep inside of him, brushing past that sweet spot each time. one finger already had him whining and shaking, so when austin added a second finger…

“f-f-fuck!”

“relax,” austin says soothingly, petting his thigh. “just breathe– i know it's a lot. so sensitive, aren’t you?”

“austin–” the man whined, his face dark red as he let his thighs flop open, his pink cock leaking and twitching against the tense muscles of his tan stomach. “austin, i can’t– what’re you doin’ t’me?” he asked, voiced high-pitched and confused sounding, like he was witnessing some sort of scientific phenomenon for the first time. austin let out a little amused laugh.

“feels good huh?” he mumbles, rhythmically curling his fingers up into the tender spot. “i told you i’d take care of you. and we’re just getting started…”

“f-feels like i’m gonna pee–” he pants, thighs tensing up with each calculated jab against his spot– prostate. he was absolutely bewildered, brain scrambled by the new sensation of intense pleasure boiling low in his belly. he had felt pleasure before, when he jerked off on lonely nights, or when he got some eager roadie to blow him backstage– but it was never this intense. he felt a hot tingle from his head to his toes, a throbbing from the sensitive head of his cock to his taint, and he felt so, so full. he felt like he was gonna die.

his breath exited his chest in a loud, deep exhale as austin suddenly pulled his fingers free, bringing elvis back from the haze of pleasure he was lost in. his head snapped up, his eyes lidded and dazed as he looked up at the blonde.

“what–”

“easy.” austin soothed, petting his thigh while his other hand squeezed the bottle of lube, drizzling it over his hard, leaking cock. elvis’ eyes widened at the sight of it, pink and throbbing between his pale, toned thighs. “i’ll fill you back up soon. so eager for it, huh?”

“i-i–” he pants, mouth hung open dumbly.

“it’s okay. y’don’t have to answer.” austin coos, positioning himself between elvis’ thighs. “i know you need it baby.”

elvis’ world felt like it flipped upside down when he felt the hot, blunt tip of austin’s cock press against his hole. his legs locked around the blonde’s waist, his hands grasping at his biceps tightly just so he could ground himself. he was gonna die, right here, under this specimen of a man.

“relax, e, y’gotta relax for me.” austin purred, the dangerously low tones of his voice like music to elvis’ ears as his large, slender hands massaged at his tense shoulders. “it’s a lot, i know, but ya gotta relax for me, babydoll.”

babydoll. oh god. if that didn’t make him melt like butter, he didn’t know what could. with a little exhale and a flutter of his eyelashes, he let his muscles unwind and relax under the other man, allowing him a more easy entrance when he decided to push in.

he expected austin to proceed with his plan of breaking elvis in, but he just leaned over him slowly, pressing his soft lips to the pulse point of his neck and nipping at the taut skin there. elvis shuddered under him, his hands tightening on his biceps once more.

gently, austin grabbed his slender wrists and pinned them on the mattress beside his head as he continued kissing and biting softly at his neck. the dark-haired man whimpered in the back of his throat, his fingers furling and unfurling in fits of nervousness at the affection. the tip of austin’s cock was still poking at him insistently, rubbing at his slick, sensitive rim with each subtle buck of his slim hips.

“you ready for me?” he whispered lowly, nipping at his earlobe as he pressed more firmly at his entrance. the slight pressure made elvis gasp, his body tensing up slightly at the warmth. he could feel how hard austin was, twitching and leaking against him with need and desire, his hot breath picking up against elvis’ tan skin the more he ground against him. the thought that austin was losing his usually calm, collected demeanor due to his raw, carnal need for him was driving elvis insane. he did this to austin. he made him lose his cool. he made him want to become something wild– something feral, almost. the thought of his need for elvis consuming him and turning him into some kind of needy, possessive, demanding beast was so arousing to him for a reason he couldn’t pinpoint.

“uh huh,” elvis panted, already flushed and breathless as he stared up at the blonde. “i’m ready, austin.”

“okay,” the blonde exhaled, pressing his hips forward. “lemme know if it hurts, okay?”

“mhm,”

he began inching himself in. elvis hissed at the stretch immediately. austin was big. he had seen his cock before– and he knew he was large, but

feeling it press inside of him was giving him an idea of how big his cock truly was. the warm, throbbing length of him was making elvis’ head spin with pleasure and a little bit of pain from the sting. austin’s eyes were scrunched shut in what looked like concentration, but he couldn’t be sure. maybe he was trying to hold himself back from plunging into elvis immediately– or he was adjusting to the tight squeeze of his virgin hole. either way, he looked fucking gorgeous. his plump, pink lips were dropped open, sweat dripping down his flushed, pink face as his chest heaved with labored breaths.

elvis felt like he was on fire. the stretch, the friction, the warmth of their bodies slotted together so closely…he might just burn alive. he didn’t know if he could handle anymore of austin inside of him. he hardly had the head in, and he already felt stretched to his max. austin must have sensed or felt this, because he paused and sat still inside of him. elvis was panting heavily, gripping the bed sheets and trembling softly.

“a-a-a-aust–” he whined, his voice sounding foreign to his own ears as he spoke, wrecked and needy and breathless as austin’s eyes opened and gazed down at his face. “you’re s-s-s-so big, it’s– i can’t– it won’t fit–”

“it’ll fit,” he panted, petting at his side soothingly, like he was a dog, as he began to press into him again.

he felt so full, like he would explode if austin pressed into him anymore. he didn’t even think he could fit a finger inside of him before this– so for austin to be halfway inside of him seemed like a miracle in itself. he genuinely felt like he was going to explode with everything happening at the moment. austin’s shaft was putting an obscene amount of pressure on his prostate, making an odd heat climb up his abdomen.

“almost there, e,” austin breathed, voice strained and breathy as he leaned down and pressed his forehead to elvis’. “almost in ya. can y’feel it? feel how deep i am inside?”

“yes,” elvis choked out, tears pricking the corners of his eyes as his thick, leaking cock twitched needily against his soft stomach. “i-i dunno if i can take it all–” he whimpered, clenching around austin’s thick, straining cock. “but i want to– so bad, austin- please,”

“you can. look, i’m almost there. jus’ breathe– fuck, goddamn, you’re so fuckin’ tight, e. good boy, gorgeous boy wrapped so pretty around my cock. goddamn,” he grit out, panting.

he was making austin feel good. the thought and realization made him tremble and whine in the back of his throat as he rolled his hips down against austin’s, shifting his throbbing length inside of him.

“fuck–!” the blonde grunted, his hands flying to elvis’ hips and gripping at them tightly, biting his lip as they ground together sloppily. “goddamn, e, you– fuck, you need it bad, huh baby?”

elvis couldn’t even respond. the friction inside of him was melting his brain, rendering him completely speechless. he just grabbed at the bedsheets and rolled his hips, chasing that feeling he got deep in his belly whenever the head of austin’s cock rubbed against that oddly tender spot deep inside of him. the whole ordeal was oddly hypnotic– up and down and up and down and oh god he was gonna cum if he wasn’t careful.

“gonna cum,” he managed to brokenly choke out, his hips stuttering in their languid movements against austin. “f-fuck– please, ‘m already gon’--”

to his displeasure, or his relief, austin halted his hips. elvis was trembling, his whole body tingling and on fire from head to toe after having his orgasm ripped away from him so abruptly. austin was quick to make him feel good in other ways though, leaning down and using his plump lips to mouth and bite at his neck and jaw. he traced just under his neck, before latching onto a particularly sensitive spot and suckling harshly.

elvis had never been bitten before. he had always done the biting. the sting, the warmth of their mouth, the suction– it was all so amazing. when austin pulled away to look at his work, elvis whined and let his head fall back to expose more of his neck.

“again,” elvis begged, his voice unsteady.

austin kissed at his tense, straining neck again, nipping at his collarbones and the column of his throat before biting down once more. elvis’ hips stuttered again, shifting austin’s length inside of him once more. both men hissed, and little elvis gave a pathetic little spasm against their stomachs.

“ready for me to start movin’?” austin panted, hips twitching ever so slightly against elvis. “ready for me to fuck you?”

“uh huh,” elvis gasped, his face red and eyes lidded as he stared up at the blonde, who looked equally as disheveled as he did. “r-r-ready.”

he thought that he had a good idea of what was coming next, given their sloppy grinding together a few minutes prior. he expected to feel something similar– and he’d be ready this time– but no. when austin began to pull out of him, his entire body tensed up involuntarily. austin soothed him with gentle rubs on his side, making him relax ever so slightly– but all that tension came back when he was filled back up.

lord, it felt good. austin was going slow, so so slow, and yet elvis felt as if he were being dipped in a pool of hot magma with each drag of austin’s cock against his walls. he must have made a noise, or done something, because austin paused in his movements.

“too much?” he questioned, stroking elvis’ cheek gently and watching as the man below him panted and writhed, his muscles tensing rhythmically. “tell me if i need to slow down. i don’t wanna hurt you.”

“it feels– so good,” elvis sobs, his breath hitching and chest spasming with each frantic breath he took. he’s never felt like this in his life– he felt like he was melting and floating all at the same time– his body simultaneously limp and tense and hot and cold and and and– all he could see and feel was austin. he needed him– badly. “aus,”

his tone of voice got higher, tears spilling from his eyes as he stared up at the blonde angel. what would he do without him? he’d be so so lost, he’d probably be all alone, in some big scary town, not knowing what anything is. he was so grateful for austin taking care of him, even when he was being a damn idiot. he loved him. he needed him.

“e? hey, it’s okay, don’t cry.” austin purred, wiping away the hot trails of tears with his thumbs. “do we need to stop? is this too much? i’m sorry, i probably should have explained more about what it’d feel like– i’m so sorry e. let’s go bathe, hm?”

austin moved to pull free, but elvis managed to wrap his legs around austin’s slender waist. austin paused and hissed, looking down at elvis in a mix of shock and arousal.

“don’ go.” elvis sniffled. “need you. l-love you.” he stuttered, voice crackling and breathy as he pressed his wet, tear stained face into austin’s neck. “m-make me cum, please,”

austin hummed deep in his chest, low and possessive as he began his shallow thrusts once more. their quick, frantic little breaths mingled together, filling the air along with the sounds of skin on skin rhythmically smacking together with each thrust.

it was almost unbearable. elvis dug the ends of his blunt manicured nails into austin’s back and clawed down, leaving angry red scars in their wake. the small action made austin buck his hips up, hissing lowly and kissing at the shell of elvis’ ear.

“baby, keep doin’ that and i won’t last long,” austin warned, hips picking up in speed as elvis did his best to roll his hips back onto austin’s cock, all but throwing himself onto the other man.

his chest heaved and stomach spasmed as he fell victim to the sensation, his own cries silent to his ears, but he’s sure he was wailing and gasping something awful as austin sped up his hips.

the bed was creaking and bouncing, the headboard smacking against the wall with each powerful thrust of austin’s hips.

poor little elvis was weeping against his stomach, throbbing and red with neglect as he let his thighs relax in an attempt to stop squeezing the life out of austin. he wanted to stroke his cock– to at least touch it– but with all the sensations going on he didn’t know what would happen if he did.

the blonde must have felt elvis’ hands twitching on his back, or he must have sensed it, because his long, nimble fingers moved from gripping the bed sheets to grazing elvis’ tender erection.

“fuck!” elvis all but yelled, trembling like a leaf in the wind as austin continued to graze his poor neglected member with the pads of his fingers. it was too much, but not enough, and oh god he was gonna–

“hold on baby,” austin grunted, his thrusts becoming more shallow as he gently gripped elvis’ cock in his hand. “i’m sorry, been neglectin’ poor little elvis, haven’t i?” he croons, squeezing the poor pink little thing in his palm. “you needs it bad, huh?”

“y-yes–” elvis sobs, his cock drooling and spasming, confused and tortured by the way austin was able to tear his orgasm away from him with just a few simple movements. he was teetering on the edge of an amazing, mind altering orgasm, but austin would change the speed of his thrusts, or stop his teasing touches against his needy cock, tearing his ecstacy away from him once more. his brain felt all fuzzy and warm, like he was falling into some kind of daze. “n-needs it real bad, aus, needs it–”

“its okay baby, i’ll give it to ya,” he promises, kissing his jaw sweetly and speeding up his hips once more. “i’ll let my little baby cum, give him that nice feelin’ in his tummy. that what you want?”

elvis could only nod weakly. then, it hit him that austin knew exactly how to press his buttons– and that’s exactly what he was doing. the baby-talk, the teasing, the praise– he was toying with elvis, making him come closer to the edge of his orgasm and ripping it away like an owner playing with his cat. he was evil. absolutely evil.

“p-please, austin– d-daddy,” elvis stammered, his hand coming up to his chest and scratching at the tanned flesh almost desperately. “n-n-need t’cum, n-n-need– i need it, please lemme have it, i’ve b-be-en so good,”

“i know, i know you have.” austin said breathlessly, his cock spasming within elvis. “i jus’ want you to hold on a lil longer baby, j-jus’ a lil more for daddy. we’re gon’ cum together, okay? jus’ wait for daddy–”

“i can’t, i can’t wait–” elvis cries, his voice climbing higher in pitch as his body decides he can’t handle the sensations assaulting him anymore. the feeling of austin’s cock stabbing into his prostate, his limber hands squeezing his sensitive cock, the way his skin is so so warm against his– it’s all too much.

little elvis jerks in austin’s palm, his cockhead squirting out thick, milky ropes of spend against both of their chests and stomachs thickly. he’s never cum so much– it didn’t seem to want to stop shooting out of him.

more spend was urged from him with each demanding thrust against his prostate and pull of austin’s hand, prolonging his sinful high for more than he could handle. when he started coming down, he was immediately overwhelmed by it all.

“oh– w-w-wai-”

“almost there,” austin grit out, and the way his eyes were scrunched shut, body wound tight seemed to prove it. “gonna cum, babydoll, gonna fill you up nice and good–”

“a-a-a-austin–!”

then, a hot, wet warmth, like nothing he’s ever felt, filled him to what felt like the brim. a hot little streak of it even dribbled out of him, and pooled onto the bed sheets below.

austin’s twitching cock was still stimulating him within, making elvis whine and sob as his cock gave another little twitch, cum bubbling out of his slit in weak little spurts. austin was too caught up in his own haze of pleasure to notice elvis’ second orgasm– opting to press his plush, bitten lips against elvis’ in a fit of desperation. the older man had to tap for mercy when austin started doing quick little aborted thrusts– fucking him like he was a bunny– making his whole body feel like it was on fire.

“e-enough–enough–!” he gasped, his mouth agape as he pulled away from the kiss, begging for austin to still his hips. “c-can’t take n’more, c-can’t–”

the blonde halted immediately, his breath heavy and labored as he stared down at elvis. he was an absolute mess. his hair and face were damp, his cheeks a deep, embarrassed red. his chest and stomach were filthy with his own spend, as well as sweat and precum. it was a sight to behold. if austin really wanted to, he could get his phone and take a million pictures– but he wouldn’t embarrass him like that.

“you okay?” he questioned breathlessly, eyes lidded and pupils blown as he stared down at the disheveled, sweaty man beneath him. “you hurtin’? sore? did i bite you too hard?”

elvis shook his head weakly, his voice failing him. he just stretched out his arms, making weak little grabby hands at austin. the blonde laughed, pulling elvis into his arms and rubbing his large hands up and down his back soothingly. “oh, okay baby. let’s get in the tub, yeah? how’s that sound?”

elvis just nodded weakly, his world nothing but a warm, blurry haze in his eyes at the moment. austin hoisted him into his arms with ease, and elvis wrapped his legs around austin’s slim waist on instinct. he laid on his shoulder limply, swaying with the gentle movement of each step austin took. the whole situation felt oddly nostalgic, honestly. elvis, dazed or inebriated, resting on someone’s shoulder or lap as they soothed him like he was a child that had scraped their knee.

ever since he had come to modern times, he had seen every little comment made about him. how he was nothing but a no good man who loved to take advantage of girls by acting like he was a child, making them pity him. except it wasn’t an act. sometimes, elvis just…acted that way. he always heard that people took care of one another in relationships, but whenever he expressed the need to be taken care of, he was labeled as weird. maybe most men wouldn’t baby talk, or refer to themselves as a ‘little one’, or any of that, but so what? that didn’t make him bad, did it?

he was jerked out of his mind as he was placed in warm, bubbly water. the warm, moist air smelled like lavender and cherries. he let out an involuntary purr as he settled into the water, letting himself relax and melt into the warmth. he heard a rustle behind him, and felt a familiar warmth.

“hey baby.”

“hi,” elvis said meekly, shame washing over him as he remembered everything he had done in the bed. maybe people were right to think he was weird. he idly swished his hands in the water to distract himself from the thought.

“how you feel? down there, i mean,” austin clarified, eyes darting down.

“fine,” the older man mumbled, avoiding eye contact with austin out of shame. “just…stings a little.”

it went quiet, save for the steady running of the faucet into the tub. elvis had found a particularly interesting cluster of foam bubbles, shaping them into funny shapes with his hands. austin’s eyes were still trained on him, but he couldn’t bring himself to look at him. not after all that.

“elvis,” the low, seductive tones of austin’s voice sliced through the thick silence like a hot knife. “do you remember what happened in bed? like, all of it?”

“mhm.”

“you called me daddy,” he supplied helpfully, making elvis visibly prickle at the reminder. “y’wanna talk about that?”

“no,” elvis hissed, his cheeks flushing darkly in shame. “it was a slip up, that’s it.”

“e, baby, please talk to me.” austin begged, gently grabbing and holding his hand that was fiddling with the suds around them. “i’m not here to judge, baby. i jus’ wanna know what’s going on.”

elvis went quiet, enjoying how his hand kind of felt small in austin’s. he really didn’t have an answer, if he was being honest. it really was a slip up, from somewhere deep in his mind. austin was just talking to him in that tone he uses– like when he’s talking to a younger fan or a dog. “you were taking good care of me.” elvis blurted out before he could stop himself. “i-i…really liked that.”

austin’s kind gaze didn’t falter. he held onto elvis’ hand tighter, grazing over his knuckles with the pad of his thumb rhythmically. “well then, i guess i shouldn’t stop, huh?” he smiles, bringing a wet hand to elvis’ matted locks. “turn around baby. let’s give your hair a good wash.”

“aus, you don’t gotta–” he protested, but his words died on his tongue as austin’s nimble fingers began massaging at his scalp gently, wetting it thoroughly. then, he drizzled some honey-scented shampoo onto his head. it smelled like him.

austin began scratching at his scalp all over, humming a little tune to himself as he watched the shampoo turn into foamy suds. all the attention was making elvis hot and bothered. he didn’t want to admit it to himself, but he really liked austin’s hands. those nimble, warm, large hands of his always made him feel some type of way. feeling them roam his sensitive scalp, massaging him…

“you okay?” the blonde asked, head tilted in curiosity as he slowed his movements. “you’re squirmin’ a lot. you sure i didn’t hurt you?”

“i’m sure,” elvis mumbles, face flushed as he presses his thighs together. “jus’....got excited again.” he admits, embarrassed. “sorry.”

“oh,” austin hums. “want me to…”

“no way,” the older man huffs. “i’m so goddamn tired, another orgasm would probably kill me.”

austin chuckles in that low, delightful way of his, continuing his gentle massage and lathering of elvis’ scalp. “okay. just relax then.”

he allows himself to lean back onto austin, closing his eyes and humming lowly to himself. the warmth of the blonde’s bare chest against his back was so comforting to him. he noticed that they were almost in sync whenever they took a breath, the rise and fall almost lulling him to sleep.

“c’mon, wake up sleepy head.” austin teased, nudging him with his bare shoulder. “gotta dry you off before we climb into bed.”

“wha?” elvis hums, his eyes lidded and droopy as he groggily sits up, blinking rapidly. “oh, yeah. ‘mkay,”

elvis stood, rubbing his eyes with wet hands and yawning loudly, humming in his chest as austin began drying him off with a warm towel. he focussed on his thick, wet hair, mussing it about and patting it dry as he smiled at elvis softly.

that warm, fuzzy feeling was engulfing him again. he felt so small in this moment, sitting naked and damp on a counter and letting another person dress him, and dote on him. it was a strangely nice sensation. he complied with austin as the blonde lifted his arms to better dry him off and slide his arms into a fuzzy, warm robe, adding onto that haziness he felt.

as austin tied up the front, the soft fabric rubbed against his soft cock gently and made him squirm around bashfully as austin cooed to him.

“hey now, what’s all this squirmin’ about?”

“th’ robe.” elvis mumbles, gently taking austin’s outstretched hand and leaning onto him as they walk towards the bed. “it’s…rubbin’ on me.”

“does it feel nice?”

“mhm.” elvis admits, blushing softly. “feels nice. but ‘m tired, papa.”

austin smiles gently and guides him to lay down, wrapping his arms around his slim waist and pulling him into his chest gently. “yeah? well, if you’re good, daddy will let you cum tomorrow, okay?”

“t-tomorrow?” elvis asked in a bit of a daze, pressing his nose into austin’s chest sleepily. “w-we’re gonna play again t’morrow?” he inquired, his voice high and hopeful as he gazed up at the blonde through his eyelashes.

“of course, baby.” austin smiles, pressing his nose into elvis’ still damp locks, smiling and rubbing his back softly. “that’s what daddy’s do. they take care of their babies. play with them and make them feel all nice and fuzzy. you like when i do that, right?”

“uh huh,” elvis mumbles, his eyes beginning to drift closed. “you’re a good daddy. the best.”

“thank you prince. you get some rest, now. we’re gonna play a lot more tomorrow. want you to he nice and rested for that, okay?” austin purrs, hugging him tightly and kissing his scalp. “love you, pretty prince.”

“mm…daddy..” elvis drawled, his vision fading into a pleasant, warm darkness, his head full of nothing but austin’s deep, warm voice and steady heartbeat. “love you too.”

[skzhocomments]

In the Dark - Choi Minho SHINee Fanfic - Chapter 9 - The virus

General masterlist

Story masterlist - please consult it for the summary of the story, trigger warnings etc.

Wattpad | AO3

Chapter 8 | Chapter 10

---

Chapter 9 - The virus

chapter word count: ~3.1k words

~Minho’s POV~

The next morning, all my emotions felt like a blur.

I kissed Jieun, and I’m certain if Nari hadn’t woken up, we would’ve had sex, because there was no way I could’ve ever controlled myself when Jieun looked at me like that, and the way she looked under me - fuck.

Just thinking about it made my head dizzy.

It doesn’t help that she is such an incredible woman too. Not only do we get along great, but the way she cares for Nari too… Eating together with her and just spending time together felt like she fit right in with us, and she was completely right, we had to think of Nari first, but in my mind, what was there to think about? Nari adores her, and she adores Nari too.

Why not?

‘Why does it feel like we’ve kissed a million times before?’ She asked, and damn, could she really be Flame? The similarities were too striking – her body, her lips on mine, even her fucking whimpers were the same.

She must be Flame.

But what if she’s not?

Then what?

I am almost certain I’m in love with Jieun by now, but… what about Flame? I know I have something going for her as well, even though I’m not sure I could call it love, or something else. But I do have some strong feelings for Flame too.

If Jieun is not Flame… then what?

Lying in bed wide awake, I didn’t even notice how late it got, until a sheepish knock pulled me out of my thoughts.

“… daddy, are you awake?” Nari whispered softly, opening the door just slightly.

“Yes, baby, come here.” I replied, and she excitedly opened the door and jumped on the bed. “How did you sleep, princess?”

“I slept amazing!”

“Do you remember waking up? You had a nightmare, poor thing.” I caressed her cheek and pulled her in a hug, letting her snuggle up my chest.

“Yes, I remember. It was a bad dream. I was at school and everyone in my class hated me, and Miss Park said mean things to me.”

“Oh no, what did she say?”

“That she doesn’t like me, and that she wishes I never came in her class.” She pouted, small tears in the corner of her eyes.

“Baby, that doesn’t sound like the Miss Park we know, does it? She would never say that.”

“That’s true! She’s the best teacher ever.” Nari affirmed quickly.

“Is that so?” I chuckled. “What do you think of her?”

“I love her a lot! She always lets me cook with her and teaches me things, and whenever we go out, we hold hands and have a lot of fun! Sometimes she scolds me for things, though, and I don’t like it.”

Just like a mom would. I smiled to myself. Fuck, she really looks after my Nari so well.

“I will tell you a secret, but you can’t tell it to anyone else, okay?” I whispered, putting my index finger against her mouth, and she giggled happily and nodded.

“I promise!”

“On your pinky finger?”

“Pinky swear!” She exclaimed, and we locked our pinkies.

“Okay, I trust you to keep your word, then.”

“What is it???”

“Miss Park said that…” I started, but didn’t finish the sentence, building up more excitement.

“What? What did she say?” Nari sat up and pushed her two little hands against my chest.

“She said thaaaat-”

“Dadddyyyyy, tell me!!!” She jumped up and down the bed.

“She said that you’re her favourite!” I exclaimed, then I got up and started tickling her, and she laughed happily, but not without protesting.

“She said that?! When?” She asked between her giggles.

“Yesterday after you went to sleep. She likes you a whole lot!”

“I like her too! I wish she were my mommy, so she could be here with us allllll the timeeee.”

Oh? I chuckled.

“Anyway, what do you want to do today, Nari?”

“Today? Hmmm, can we please go to the mall? I went there with Miss Park last time and she took me to a crafts shop, and we bought some coloured pencils, but they didn’t have pink. I want the pink one!”

“Okay, go get dressed and let’s go!” I instructed her, and she ran out of the room.

~

~Jieun’s POV~

Fucking hell, I should stop drinking already.

I shook my head in disapproval, remembering last night’s events – specifically, Minho’s hands on my body, his lips against mine, on my neck…

Stop it, Jieun. I tried telling myself. This is not right. Besides, you still have to meet Charisma if he books you, otherwise how will you even pay for grandma’s expenses?

I sighed.

Charisma.

Why the fuck was he so similar to Minho? The way he kissed and touched me, and his weight on top of my body was the fucking same.

However, it was simply illogical for Minho to be Charisma. There was no way.

If he were or weren’t, though… then what? It didn’t matter either way. How would I ever justify me being a prostitute, when he’s not only looking for a potential wife, but also for a mother for his child? Would he want a whore to bring Nari up? I doubt it.

You talk like you know what he’s looking for. A voice in the back of my head mocked me. Maybe he just wanted a one-night stand or something.

Did he only want that, though?

“Just so you know… I’m not regretting anything that happened tonight…”

Was what he said. Why did he feel the need to say it, if he only wanted a one-night stand? He could’ve just let me go.

I shook my head again and got up, deciding to get dressed and head to the mall. Charisma gave me a gift last time we met, so why not use at least part of it and get me something? Shopping always got my mind off things, and right now, my feelings were too complicated.

~

After browsing through shops and getting myself some new lingerie sets and some shoes, I decided that enough money has been spent, so I started making my way back through the mall, when I passed by the art store I took Nari to last time we came here.

Hm, I wonder if they have the pink pens now. I thought, and entered the store, heading directly to the pens isle.

After rummaging through the new pens they brought, I finally found one single pink pen.

Yes! I cheered in my head.

“Miss Park?” A familiar voice distracted me, and I turned around to see Nari and Minho.

“Nari? What are you doing here?” I asked, then smiled at her and nodded shortly at Minho, who returned my smile.

“I came with daddy to see if they have the pink pens.”

“Really?” I chuckled. “I came here for the same thing! I found one for you!” I said, showing her the pink pen.

“Wow!!!” Nari exclaimed and snatched the pen from my hand, examining it carefully.

“What do we say, Nari?” Minho intervened.

“Thank you, Miss Park.”

“No problem, sweetheart. We still have to pay for it first, though. Do you need anything else? I found these really cute stickers for your notebooks.”

“Yes! I love stickers!”

“They are so cute, right?”

While talking to Nari and showing her some other things in the shop, my eyes wondered over to Minho a few times, who just looked at our interaction with a smile plastered across his face. When we were finally done and Nari picked up a few more things, we headed together to the checkout – Minho, holding my shopping bags and Nari’s stuff, and me, holding her hand.

I didn’t know exactly why I was still in the shop, but Nari grabbed my hand, and I didn’t have it in me to let go, so I didn’t, and Minho didn’t say anything either.

“Okay, Nari, I’ll see you tomorrow at school, yes?” I asked once we exited the shop.

“Miss Park, daddy and I are going to the dog café, don’t you want to come with us?”

“Huh?” I asked, surprised, then looked over at Minho, who looked quite happy by this outcome, and simply shrugged. “But don’t you want to spend time alone with daddy?”

“No, I want you to come as well. Daddy, can Miss Park come with us?” 

She turned to Minho, who nodded and replied with an “Of course, princess. Don’t you want to get Miss Park a little gift for taking care of you yesterday? We can get her a big cake slice!”

Fucker. I chuckled.

“Yay!” Nari jumped happily and held my hand tighter.

“… okay.”

What else was I supposed to say, anyway?

We headed to Minho’s car in the underground parking lot and I hopped in the backseat with Nari, while Minho placed my shopping bags and her art supplies in the trunk.

Seeing his car again, memories of that night when he picked me up came flooding in. I had just met Charisma, and I was stranded, for my phone didn’t have any more battery and the bus wouldn’t come, and Minho just happened to be there, wearing Charisma’s perfume.

Why?

Why was Minho there?

Could he really be Charisma?

I looked at him curiously, and his eyes met mine through the rearview mirror as soon as he got into the driver’s seat.

It wouldn’t be impossible. After finding out he has a personal chef during the week, it’s quite obvious that Minho has a lot of money.

But still, is he the type to go to hookers?

Charisma also hesitated to kiss me for many weeks straight, and I initially thought he just found me dirty and didn’t want his lips to touch mine, but I figured out after our last two meetings that it wasn’t the case. He must’ve had a reason to not want to kiss me.

Minho, on the other hand, didn’t hesitate at all.

But their lips felt the same…

Fuck, my head hurts.

We quickly got to the dog café, and we all stepped out of the car, and Nari grabbed my and Minho’s hands immediately.

We entered the café together and sat down at a table. The tables were rectangle shaped, and Nari and I sat down on one side, while Minho sat down in front of me. Dogs were roaming around and coming for pets, and Nari was quite happy to play with all of them.

We ordered a few cake slices and milkshakes and just as we wanted to start eating, a waitress approached us with an instant camera.

“Hello! Would you like me to take a picture of you? You’re such a cute family!” She asked, a smile plastered across her face.

“That would be amazing!” Minho exclaimed and turned his body to face the camera.

“Oh, I should probably-” Just as I wanted to sit up and step away to let Nari and Minho take a picture together, Nari hugged my arm and posed to the camera.

I smiled as well, and the waitress took three pictures – one for each – and scribbled the date and the café name on it, then gave them to us.

Looking at the picture warmed my heart. We all looked so happy, and this was sure to be a sweet memory, no matter what the future had in store for us.

We then started to eat while Nari spoke about what she wanted to paint once she gets home. We talked a bit about school and her friends, about what she wanted Santa to get her for Christmas (which was quickly approaching), and we enjoyed each other’s company for almost two more hours, playing together with dogs and ordering more drinks as time went on.

~

~three days later~

Wednesday already came, and with it a whole new set of issues. In just three days, half of my class was sick with an apparently new virus that was super contagious and would make you sick enough to have to lay in bed for at least a few days, and Charisma still hasn’t booked me yet, even if the week started two days ago.

Why?

It’s not like I desperately needed the money. He booked me enough times already to build a nice savings account for when my grandma needs it, but… I wanted to see him.

Somehow, though, it might've been better that he hadn’t booked me yet. The thought of meeting Charisma brought me some anxiety because of Minho. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. Obviously, I couldn’t give Charisma up, not for the time being, anyway, and I also couldn’t ‘confess’ to Minho that I sell love in my spare time. I also genuinely liked Charisma and didn’t want to stop seeing him.

I’m so selfish.

It was like he could read my thoughts, because just as I was having this inner turmoil regarding Charisma, a notification from In the Dark popped up on my screen.

---

CHARISMA – personal form

THINGS I ENJOY: Hello, Flame. Long time no see. I’m sorry I couldn’t keep my promise of seeing you everyday. I really wanted to, but work got in the way (as it usually does). Are you free to meet me today?

THINGS I DON’T WANT TO DO: -

CONDOM / NO CONDOM: no condom

SPECIAL REQUIREMENTS: -

---

Just as I was about to send my response form back and accept seeing Charisma, an unknown number started ringing, informing me that I had to come to the hospital immediately.

I dropped everything I was doing and grabbed a cab, and when I arrived, I was met with some horrific news. One of the nurses tending to my grandmother got the virus, and she passed it over to her, who in turn not only got sick, but she also developed pneumonia, making her general condition weak.

I was also not allowed to see her for the time being, due to the high chances of me also carrying the virus and potentially making her even sicker.

With all the rush to the hospital and the anxiety of having to listen to bad news, I haven’t noticed 6:45 rolling around. I haven’t accepted, nor have I denied Charisma’s request for the day, and he didn’t book me again the rest of the week.

~

~

After reading Minho’s message, I got dressed and went outside. He said that Nari doesn’t have much of an appetite, but I still grabbed a few pretzels, as they go great with tea. Whenever I would be sick, my grandmother would make a ginger and lemon tea, so I bought some fresh ginger and a few lemons as well, as both are very rich in vitamins and should help the immune system.

I made my way to Minho’s place and knocked on the door.

“Hey.” Minho smiled seeing me.

“Good morning. How are you? How’s Nari feeling?”

“Not so good.” He replied and let me come in.

“Which one?” I asked, unsure of which question he answered.

“Both.”

“Oh no. What’s wrong?”

“I hate having to go to work when she’s sick.”

“Mhm… Try and finish faster and come back home earlier, maybe. Is that possible?”

“I don’t know, Jieun. I’m so stressed. We still have a lot to work on, and the pressure from our boss is insane. My other coworkers came down with the flu, or whatever this fucking virus is, and the workload is so much bigger without them.”

“I’m sorry, Minho. It’s the last week though, right? Just try and hang on for a little bit longer.”

“I will. This virus is a bitch. The family doctor will come by tomorrow afternoon to see Nari, unless her symptoms are getting worse, in which case he said to take her to his practice immediately. Can you please let me know if anything happens?”

“Of course. You don’t have to worry. I think she caught it in school. More than half the class has it. It’s so bad, I think classes will probably get cancelled next week.”

“Give me more good news.” Minho said, ironically. “The last week before the deadline, and Nari stays home. Fucking great.” He ran his hand through his hair, stressed.

“Don’t worry, Minho. If class gets cancelled, I can always come and stay with her during the week.”

“And if it doesn’t get cancelled, who will she stay with her until she gets better? God damn it.” He cursed silently.

“Miss Park?” Nari came out of the living room, her cheeks red and her eyes watery.

“Nari, baby, what happened, hm?”

“I think I’m sick.” She replied in a small voice and came to me, asking for a hug.

“Oh no. Lots of your classmates are sick as well, aren’t they?”

“Yes.” She nodded. “I don’t feel good. Daddy, can’t you stay home?” She asked Minho, and I swear I could hear his heart breaking in his chest.

“Daddy will come back as soon as he can, okay, princess?”

“Do you promise?”

“Of course. I’ll go and finish work for the day and come stay with you, hm?”

“Okay.” She nodded again.

“Now, Nari, let’s eat something. If we want to be strong and fight the virus off, we have to eat. We’ll also make some good tea, so let’s go to the kitchen together while daddy gets ready for work.” I said, handing her my hand.

“What tea are we making?”

“Ginger and lemon!”

“Yuckkk, I don’t like ginger.”

“Of course you do! It’s in a lot of foods that you like!”

“Really?!”

“Yes. So, let’s make some. Do you want to help me squeeze the lemons?”

“Yes!!!”

~

~Minho’s POV~

Jieun hasn’t been texting back since 3 PM.

She is also not picking up the phone.

Did anything happen?

She would’ve called, right?

Anxious, I was barely able to focus on work in the last 2 hours, so, when 9:30 hit the clock and I still haven’t gotten any replies to my texts or calls, I decided to call it a day and head home.

The apartment was dark and silent, and instead of turning on the lights, I turned on my phone’s flashlight, not wanting to potentially wake up a sleeping household.

I headed first to Nari’s room and opened it quietly, in case she was sleeping, but she wasn’t in her bed. Confused, I went to the living room, which was empty as well.

What…?

I then made my way to the guestroom and tried not to pay attention to the uneasiness rising in my chest; Jieun would never go anywhere with Nari so late at night without telling me first, so there was no point in me being anxious in the first place.

I opened the door slowly and was met with the most heartwarming sight. Both girls were sleeping, Jieun’s arm around Nari, holding her protectively, with Nari cuddled up to Jieun’s chest.

I looked at them for a little while with a big smile plastered on my face, and I felt my breathing become normal, the uneasy feeling in my chest replaced with warmth.

They both looked so peaceful, that I decided to simply close the door as quietly as I’ve opened it and let them sleep undisturbed.

~

Chapter 8 | Chapter 10

[xanadontit]

Read on for updates!

The new job is in commercial insurance which is a totally new field for me. I don't think I've mentioned it here but I have been out of work for some time. Tech and startups, man. Anyway, I was considering making a change in my search when my friend D asked if I'd consider insurance. Sure, why not? Great, because her husband (yes, That Guy) was making a move to his previous brokerage and thinks I'd be a great addition to the team. Before I knew it I had an offer and was enrolled in licensing classes. I passed my test and officially applied for my license last week. The job so far is chill; small boutique woman-owned place. Hybrid schedule with two days in the office. Pay isn't great but the benefits are outstanding and there's potential to make more money.

Speaking of the classes, I forgot how much I like school when I'm not worried about shit like the prom or in the middle of a breakdown. And the material was actually kind of interesting? Idk I had fun and am thinking about getting another insurance license and maybe one in real estate. Why not? If Heather Rae El-Moussa can sell a house why can't I?

In the midst of the job stuff and my stepmom's surgery my aunt (dad's youngest sister) passed away. She was taken off life support and cremated per her wishes; we weren't particularly close but she was a kind, gentle soul and I'm sad for my dad and his remaining siblings. Planning for her memorial has been way more complicated than it needs to be given how casual it is. There's also been a lot of "oh we can just do this ourselves" and friends? My confidence is not high. Can't wait to have to step in and make things happen then get shit for being so uptight and Type A.

MIL is coming for Thanksgiving (actually more like a week so kill me now) and after considering various logistics (all of us crammed into our house vs a hotel, etc.) my mom and stepdad and LARRY! have declined to join, which I get. Hell, I don't want to be here. E has decided to be weird about this so that's fun.

As much as lack of additional funds sucks not working fucking rules. I already miss unemployment, but I'm trying to sort out a new routine (mostly for in-office days) and ugh why didn't I marry some rich idiot from high school so I could not work allllll the time?

[yume-x-hanabi]

So, bit of a life update because it's been... almost two months? since I last properly logged here (I had some stuff in the queue, but I think it ran out after a while, woops). Getting a bit personal, so the rest is under cut.

Honestly the main reasons are simply, I'm busy, and exhausted. Not a good combination lol

I haven't had proper relaxing time for me since at least a year and a half. Summer holidays are supposed to be the time when I can finally relax responsibility-free for a month and a half to get over usually hectic second semesters. Except last July my grandma had a fall, and while she's fine, long story short she's now in a nursing home and we spent the whole summer and lots of free time during the following months clearing her house (which was. a mess).

On top of that I'd bought an apartment (yay) in a building that's still under construction, and while that's great because it means I could customize it the way I want, it also meant spending a lot of time going here and there to choose floorings, furniture, and lots appointments (bank, notary...) etc etc. And now that it's in the final stage we're running into issues because the notaries aren't agreeing about some conditions, so the deed signing date recently had to be postponed, which'll leave me very little time to schedule the actual move (I have to be out of my current place by the end of the month). Super stressful. And also busy--spent nearly two days last week playing telephone game with the developer, the notary's office, the bank... and we still haven't solved the issue as of now orz

On top of that, this past school year has been super intense, I took on more admin responsibilities, which, while fun, consume a lot of time and focus, which put me behind on my regular class prep and grading, which just generally added to the mental load. Also I had to take lessons on Saturday mornings for my teaching certificate, which is also something that ate into my time and energy this year.

This all kinda came crashing down on me in early June when I just... kinda shut down for about two weeks. I had 4 super important tasks/projects to do, and for those two weeks I made progress on none of them. I just kinda froze, not knowing where to start, and my focus was allllll over the place, could not keep it on one thing for the life of me (there may or may not be suspicion of adhd at play, I'll have to look into it more and see someone about it, but... no time atm orz)

I managed to pull through in the end (well, one of the things is postponed to August so I have more time to do it thankfully), but I'm completely mentally exhausted. So yeah, I kinda gave up checking tumblr for a while, bc I just didn't have the mental capacity for that.

In happier news Missy is still as silly as ever, my niece is the cutest, I got a baby blahaj yesterday to go with my big one, Dreamcatcher's new mini-album is wonderful, and once everything is solved and I can move in it'll be awesome to live in my own place. Also I went to TwoSetViolin's world tour show in Berlin last week-end and it was awesome :D (might make a separate post about it later)

And now I need to start packing. Gonna be a busy month again 😅

[abyssal-werewolf]

uuurrrrgh I hate this feeling of "what if I am faking being autistic??? I for sure am nOt AUtiSTiC EnoUgH"

So. In an attempt to cope with this, I'm gonna write shit down

reasons why I think I am "not autistic enough":

I can use irony and sarcasm and it's a 50/50 chance if I understand it when other people use it

I am very low to no support needs, because I am extremely skilled at masking and "just pushing through struggles"

I don't have violent and/or screaming meltdowns

now: reasons why I am FUCKING OBVIOUSLY autistic and not secretly faking:

I mask all the damn time. if I didn't mask, I'd constantly stim, make weird noises, etc in public

There is exactly one person I feel comfortable being myself around, which is my boyfriend who is probably autistic too. I am like 98% sure he is. we communicate through meowing mote often than I'd like to admit lmao

I stim. all. the. time. In public I try to be subtle but it's still there. I do the feet rubbing against each other, vocal stims, biting my lips, pulling my hair (gently, not actually pulling it out), cracking knuckles, rubbing fingers against each other, etc etc etc

special interests. I mean they get blurry with hyperfixations sometimes, but my obsession with Warrior Cats, The Big Bang Theory, horses and Pokémon is on a different level. I always was like this, after I watched LotR for the first time, it became my whole personality for five fucking years. I watched the movies over 20 times each and the Hobbit around 10-15 times. same with BBC Sherlock and Supernatural (the later is still ongoing, the others have faded over time).

I love love LOVE repeating things. it's most noticable with what I watch, I'm currently on my 30th or something run of TBBT. same with routine, although that's less noticable, cause I don't have a set daily routine - but in my head, I always plan like a week ahead and I fucking hate sudden changes in my plans. and by "sudden" I mean four days or less of mental preperation time.

ugh eye contact. I just. can't. social situations in general, I feel so fucking uncomfortable unless it's with people I 100% trust (or if my boyfriend is with me, then I feel safe too)

I could eat the same 10 foods allllll the time. I do like trying new things because cooking is fun but it needs to be under my control and I need to plan it out in my head. and I simply won't ever get tired of chicken nuggets, pasta and pizza.

sensory issues UGH- light too bright, sounds too loud, texture to ewww - you name it. high-pitched beeping noises make me go nuts, they fucking hurt my brain, they're the worst but there are other bad ones.

I have ADHD and had severe depression and anxiety in my teenage years and also was bullied, which isn't criteria but indicators, so...

I have pretty damn high scores on any autism test I take. every single one, even when I downplay my symptoms.

this is all I can think of for now, I might add on in the future

[lixahl]

tell me about illidan and arane. tell me evedyrbing

anyone else love 15 thousand+ year old man yaoi. because i sure do. they haunt my every waking thought. they love each other sooooooooooo much

so it allllll starts in val'sharah where younger teen arane is harboring a crush on illidan and is too shy to interact with him and elects to leave anonymous gifts of various tailored goods (capes, blankets, bags, etc) for illidan at the stormrage's doorstep. eventually he gives up on his little crush and is content to just exist from afar, and then once the moon guard is established ends up getting with a mage there... who's hotheaded and way too self assured. offbrand illidan, even. he gets jabbed at it to this day on occasion, to which arane just responds with "perhaps i have a type" and tries to move on from the conversation LOL

then the first invasion of the legion happens and illidan soft-establishes the illidari (which isn't as large as it is during the second legion invasion - it's very few people who had already been devoted to illidan (like elissae) and a few who note the power illidan gains). arane, who has lost both his grandmother (who raised him and he was VERY close to) and his partner, joins the ranks of demon hunters to get revenge. arane is noted to be especially brutal during this time, which illidan takes note of.

after a while, arane kind of snaps out of it and realizes while slaughtering demons is good, he could do more good for the illidari as a healer - he had previously been a (resto) druid and his knowledge of sewing could also be used in medicine (stitches/sutures all that good stuff). arane approaches illidan to suggest that he could be a main healer for the illidari, so they would have less causalities post-battles. illidan agrees to this, and decides to also raise up arane's ranking to be illidan's right hand man.

this new role means arane and illidan end up having a more personal, closer relationship. arane's old crush on illidan comes back full force, and he tries to avoid illidan for a bit while processing that. illidan ends up getting pretty majorly injured, and arane has to manage tending to those wounds while forcing illidan to rest, as well as sending out orders for the illidari. illidan confronts arane about avoiding him and under the stress of trying to manage everything, arane accidentally confesses and there's just awkward silence. arane apologizes and says to forget it and illidan's like... but what if i dont? and they start a relationship but keep it secret, as it could be used against either of them as blackmail.

and then illidan gets imprisoned for 10 thousand years and before that, he sends off his most trusted illidari (elissae and arane) to keep at work and avoid getting captured. arane pines for illidan and tries to plan ways to get him out, but nothing ever gets done.

then the legion returns (burning crusade). illidan is let out, and Officially has the illidari formed. arane returns to illidan's side, once again established as his right hand, and is once more set out onto demons. they take over black temple, and you know. Burning Crusade happens. arane is set out to lead the invasion of mardum, does so, and then is forced to face illidan's death at black temple. he tries to go silly again but is imprisoned by the wardens.

legion returns... TWO!!! during the attack on the vault, arane is let out, and when they get to illidan's body being taken by cordana and gul'dan, it's so over for arane. he goes silly mode and is nearly killed during the confrontation. he's pulled away by elissae, who's just as furious. they manage to JUST recover the glaives of azzinoth, which are entrusted to arane by elissae (who's the only person who knows about the relationship between the two).

then we go through the whole demon hunter class hall questline, where arane is VERY dead-set on reviving illidan. to this end, he also assists in the freeing of the nightborne from legion occupation, joining the raid on the nighthold. illidan is set free after the gul'dan fight, and arane's so excited he runs into illidan's arms and is twirled around in his arms and they kiss. who gives a fuck if people know now, it's been far too long and they love each other a lot.

broken shore happens + arane gets his bat + illidan is slightly jealous of the bat. he won't admit to this.

and THEN we have argus. oh boy do we have argus. at the end of antorus, where illidan is trying to stay with imprisoned sargeras and does that stupid ass monologue. arane begs illidan to stay with him, to return to azeroth, and convinces him. they go back, and illidan doesn't want to live in stormwind (or god forbid, teldrassil), so they find a fairly isolated place in krasarang on the beach. they find a huge fucking tree and just make a treehouse. something like this but with traditional night elf architecture

they're retired nowadays, occasionally giving suggestions/orders to the illidari, who are currently being mainly led by elissae. they end up eventually having a baby, but i don't think there's an established time on when that happens. especially considering night elf ages. they're like people who have an accidental baby at 45.

i do think they're currently (in dragonflight) honeymooning by fishing everywhere on the dragon isles. other champions of azeroth fly past them on dragons during a dragonriding race over water and are like "was that illidan fucking stormrage" and can't address that further.

onto their actual relationship dynamics. because it's cute.

(artist is @ bamicommissions on here, bami_arts on twitter)

they're both very touchy-feely on each other. hands constantly on the other's lower back. arane hanging onto illidan's arm. rubbing each other's shoulders all the time. elissae is forever tired by this pda from her dads. it's jarring to anyone who knows illidan as a gruff edgelord.

arane loves using "dear" and "love" to refer to illidan, who in turn, uses even more ridiculous pet names. think "honeybun" and "sweetiepie". he mostly does this to annoy elissae (and tyrande if she's in the vicinity), and uses "my love" and "darling" and the likes more seriously.

illidan is a dom bottom-leaning switch btw :thumbsup:. arane is getting his hips demolished. get that old man a hip replacement!!!!! his husband is destroying him!!!!!!!! ok bye.

what illidan sees vs what arane sees. thank you for listening

[kim-ruzek]

Review of 10x22

I haven't done a review in a while but I couldn't not do one for that epic finale, especially as I'm all so very in my feels and deeply impressed. And I'm filled with Thoughts and I need to share it with everyone. I'll probably be doing an overall season ten review at some later time.

Burzek

Firstly I'm just going to get allllll my thoughts and feels about Burzek out the way because I'm just gonna burst otherwise.

I knew Adam would get hurt this episode and I so hoped that we would get some delicious Burzek out of that, but I was still worried that we wouldn't, but I'm so so so glad my worry was for nothing.

I love that we got to see Burzek in bed again, and Kim being there for Adam and them just being so domestic and partners and mom-and-dad. And I love that Kim was one of the people Adam immediately contacted after having to burn himself.

Honestly the thing I love the most about this season is just seeing Burzek act like such a couple and domestic in little scenes that are just basically part of the scenery. Like I love how Kim strode into the district because it very much had the air of her being call in by her partner, but what I loved most is when Kim was sitting down and Adam had his hands on the back of her chair and helped her tuck herself in. Like that fucking domesticity and how much Adam loves her and is her partner. Just that softness in such a subtle blink and you miss it scene!

I could write a whole essay on the way they look at each other, and the silent communication that they do through it.

Adam getting shot-- I'm not going to lie, I've been waiting for this and it hurts but the content that came from it!! The parallels of him and when Kim got shot was poetic and perfect. I was worried that he'd call Voight at first, but glad to see my initial instinct before that was right and he called Kim.

And Kim's face when she answers, oh my heart. You could literally see the immediate effect that had on her and I just loved how she just straight ran and moved fast because her man needed her!

The ambulance scene was all kinds of perfect. Kim softly reassuring him and helping him through the experience, telling him all she has learnt and giving him the information she needed to hear herself when shot. And just knowing he should know he's not alone, that she's there UGH my heart. I also loved how just how gentle she was with him, and her just caressing his head and everything. And how she made sure to keep the oxygen on him, and just made sure she was there.

My heart broke at the way she looked when she was told she couldn't go with him any further and how she looked at the door separating them and you just feel the way her heart must be feeling and could see just how hard she was trying to keep together when all she wanted was to be with him.

I adored how she said that she couldn't leave him, it just shows the depth of their love and partnership and how much he is her heart. But I loved how she did because as Trudy helped her realise, she wasn't just leaving him, she was making sure she kept her promise to him.

Not strictly burzek but Kim related, but I loved Kim mentioning Makayla. I actually adored her whole response to this whole thing. Kim being reluctant to leave, being upset that she isn't being told anything and feeling powerless and clearly going through a checklist of stuff she's done-- Adam's in surgery, she's called the sitter etc.

I also loved the way she yelled over Samantha. Clearly at her last nerve, wanting to be by Adam's side, trying so hard to keep the promise to Adam and being over Samantha.

And finally, I adored mom!Trudy. Kim is so such her daughter and I love that Trudy is one of the people Kim can be vulnerable with and just the parallel of Trudy staying so Kim can go UGH my heart.

Adam

This man has grown so fucking much, I'm so proud of him. Adam cares deeply, about everything, and you can see just what an impact this case has had on him. I loved that they showed how tired he was, how done he was with everything but that he knew he kept going.

I also loved how they showed that Kim and Mack, they're his home. That Kim is who he confides in and that Mack brings him peace. My heart was so full at seeing him sit in her bedroom, just needing to be near that sweet girl.

Being a father suits him so well. But I definitely think it blinds him to a degree too. He's bonded with Samantha and Callum. He sees the ways they're like him, Kim and Makayla and how Samantha wanted out and that Callum was being indoctrinated into hate and I love how hard he fought for them. But at the same time he couldn't see past Samantha as just being like him and Kim, or past Callum just being a young kid who's youthfulness is so similar to his own daughter. And it hurt me so much seeing my boy give loyalty and trust and faith to people who didn't return it.

Largely, Adam was right to see them as people who needed rescuing. They did. But just because they're victims of this, doesn't also mean that they aren't also people to watch out for. But still my heart breaks that he got shot by a kid who he so desperately wanted to save.

I am glad that it showed that Adam was right to burn himself and to take Samantha in. If he let her go, Callum still would've called his grandfather and he probably would've gone under ground with him.

Seeing him plead to Samantha not to leave him and having to see him drag himself to his phone hurt me so so much and I honestly do hope that leaving him to die means the immunity deal is off and she faces time for that at least. In general I had not that much sympathy for Samantha too much, as she was still complicit in her passivity but that just sealed it.

And I do hope that Adam will see that, and not hold onto guilt for letting them down. He truly did all he could for both of them.

General plot

This episode, and the season tbh, was so incredibly well written and at such a higher standard then previous seasons. But I do have some gripes with it, some of which means I'm not entirely sure how to feel about it.

But first-- I loved the scenes of them raiding the farm house. Kim and Kevin leading twp of the groups just made my day and they looked so badass doing it.

Now my gripes. I get why the had Kev discover the blueprints and why they had that other officer with him when he did. The horror of it hits them even more deeper but it is an interesting choice because as with a lot of this sort of stuff in all things, they focus on making sure they're not undercutting their poc from things that impact them but at the same time what they end up doing is making it seem like it only affects them.

I get there's also only so much time in the episode and a lot was happening, but it did make me a little uneasy.

And I loved Kevin taking the shot, but at the same time... Did they really have to have their black character kill the white supremacist grandfather in front of the indoctrinated grandchild? Like brilliant acting from the kid to show that hate, but this is literally going to basically secure his hate, or make it that much harder to fight and Kevin had no choice-- but the writers did.

It's realistic for how life is, and even if Kevin didn't take the shot, Callum would've honed onto him as soon as he showed up and seeing Kevin be part of the arrests, especially on the back of Callum finding out that a man he got close to, another father figure wasn't who he said he was, that likely would secure that hate too. But it still made me feel like it was unnecessary.

Especially because the message clearly is trying to be that indoctrination is a powerful thing, and that victims can be also dangerous and that line can be very blurry and especially when dealing with hate filled people you have to be careful. But at the same time I'm not sure just how clear that is, just because I can see that doesn't mean the average Joe would.

Also hate like this is often irrational and born out of misplaced fear and having Kev take the shot... I feel that gives an optic of legitimising Callum's hate. These people will of course take any slight, perceived or not, as the cause and justification for their hate, but there's a difference between a black man getting the job instead of you and a black man shooting someone you love and when this is written and not non fiction, it does feel a little unnecessary and too subtle in places.

So while largely I enjoyed the episode, and it's definitely a favourite, it still has it's issues and I couldn't go without mentioning them.

[jellybeanium124]

Upon further reflection I have come to the conclusion that if I were to write a P&F Love Händel AU it would have Jack as Danny, Stede as Bobby, and Ed as Swampy.

Stede as Bobby is just obvious. Tell me that doesn't fit like a glove. You're wrong.

The other two are a bit more difficult. I think Jack fits as Danny because he has the same enthusiasm he had as a younger man and I can see him having a belief in the Power of Rock (and "what's with all the swirling colors?" "o.o I have no idea" is really funny to me). I think Ed as Swampy fits because you could have him in a Denial™ phase where he's sooooo happy working at this library he's not bored at allllll nope no siree he doesn't need his name on t-shirts he's got everything he needs he's not dying inside!

My vision for this to ofmd-ify it is: Alma and Louis as Phineas and Ferb, except they're Doug and Mary's kids because otherwise it wouldn't work. Doug forgets their anniversary etc etc, Love Rëveng reunion concert ensues. In this au I think Ed wrote "Snuck Your Way Right Into My Heart" for Stede.

Back in the 80s there was 100% some gentlejacked stuff going on but tension lead to the band breakup/their breakup but now that Louis and Alma reunited them they can have a happy ending. Stede and Ed can be all goopy and romantic and apologize for their falling out and Jack can be like ":D we fuckin' again??"

The thing is, the music is what makes the episode of television, so my ideal final project would be a combo ao3 fic and 4 animatics, recreating the 4 songs from the episode but with Alma and each of the three of them singing, links placed into the ao3 fic where it fits in the story. I will never make 4 animatics. But hey! If you would/do make ofmd animatics and think this is cool I would love to make this dream a reality 👀 my dms are open

[kouhsuu]

hii hello who are you whats your lore!!

MY LORE okay that's a new one

*THIS IS GONNA BE LONG AND RAMBLY*

Who I am? 17 year old genderfluid digital and traditional artist 👍

For my lore as an artist: My dad is a painter so from a very young age i was surrounded by art materials literally taking up half our small living room because of the easles, giant canvas rolls, wood, cabinets full of paints and brushes, etc.

Essentially I was very encouraged by him to draw lol, and it also came out of me just finding art so much fun in general. I knew that if I got good enough at it I could draw almost anything I wanted if i pushed myself to learn.

I get verrry engrossed learning anything creative and visual, whether it be making my own website, sewing, sculpting, video editing, 3d modelling, painting, woodworking, etc it's all SO! MUCH! FUN!! I also have to specify visual creativity because oh boy can i not stand trying to make music as much as i want to.

In school I was very obviously the art kid and one of the weird kids, but luckily never got bullied because i was charismatic enough and generally there weren't major major assholes at my schools somehow. I usually was involved with the special programs in my schools because of my enthusiasm to learn and participate, so I got an opportunity to enroll into an early scholarship program for LaGuardia art school in middle school which... i ended up turning down because i thought it would be too much work being in a college like that... which honestly only kind of regret because honestly now i'd rather get into drafting and architecture.

Speaking of drafting and architecture! The reason my dad became a painter is because my grandma couldn't afford to send him to school to become an architect, so he pushed me to go into the field as well now that I have the opportunity. I didn't really feel like it but it seemed kind of interesting designing buildings because if i knew how buildings were made, i could more accurately put detail into my art xD Most decisions I make are to improve my own artwork because it's my life and soul, and luckily i ended up getting interested into working with more drafting.

My first social media i posted art on was google plus, then came deviantart, then came youtube, then twitter, and now tumblr (and cohost & itaku). I still use twitter but my main account (@/hamunako) is essentially inactive, I don't care enough to keep posting there nor do i have the motivation NOR do i want to have the anxiety to feel like I have to keep posting because uh oh people wont interact with me otherwise!!!!! Now I just use a private account with less than 25 followers and its the best. I made this Tumblr account though just in case twitter finally deleted itself off of the face of the planet, and also because i've always wanted to figure out how tumblr works & instagram confused me even more than tumblr...

As for why i've been drawing SOOOO much lonely wolf treat lately??? Short answer: ADHD (possible autism too?), Long answer: A long long time ago I watched manlybadasshero's playthrough of lonely wolf treat and loved it, then i forgot about it until i went on itch a while ago and saw that nami had posted mochi in frosting so I was like WOAH THERE'S STILL NEW CHAPTERS?! I got even more into it when it turned out one of my new friends ALSO had played lonely wolf treat so we drew the characters and it allllll spiraled from there.

Can't think of anything else interesting to share regarding my lore but yeah!!! Also I take commissions, just message me and i'll show what I can do and my prices! Don't have a formal post yet but i'll get to it at some point, i'm not very formal in the first place xP

[nd-babblinggoblinfromthevoid]

Going to my mother's helped. We were supposed to stay until late Monday morning but I misunderstood a text from my husband and thought he'd managed to get the house consistently at 22°, but what he actually said was he'd gotten my bedroom back down consistently to 22° after it'd risen a lot during the day.

We did not realize this misunderstanding until we all packed up from mom's early and piled into the house again. Where I promptly became instantly overheated and soaked in sweat.

We talked it out, realized the mishap, but said damnit because we could not go back to my mother's that late. I've already put one toddler bed into my bedroom and tonight when my hubs wakes up I am disassembling my youngest's bed and moving it into my room too. Then all... allllll of the fans are going to be piled into my room onto each bed and angled to circulate the window unit's air around.

What a mess. Looking back my husband was clear, I'd just... wildly misunderstood. I think sleep deprived brain mixed with homesickness lead to me jumping at the chance that home was hospitable again.

°~•~°~•~°~•~°~•~°~•~°~•~°

Last night my eldest was very restless. He wasn't at home, in his room, and he was missing daddy. (Hubs had to stay home because of work.) It took 2 movies into the night to wear out his mind enough to relax in a new room. He finally did sleep though, around midnight. (Which would be our normal bedtime but it changed due to being a guest at my mom's very much normal daytime hour schedule)

Id gotten my youngest to snuggle up to me in the other room and pass out. (After 10 minutes of crying for the same reason) but he finally konked.

I would have slept decent, if I hadnt kept hearing phantom crying from my eldest in the next room. I checked on him. Totally fine. Zoned out to the movie. And it wasnt the movie I was hearing. So I thought huh weird. Then after maybe 20 minutes of being settled back into bed, I heard it again. I debated checking on him.... and ultimately did because my mom heart couldn't stand the thought of what if this time he really was super upset, and mamma hadnt gone to him.

So I checked. This happened 4 times. The 4th time he was out cold asleep. I turned off the movie that had been on the menu screen. Snuck back into my room, and finally dozed off.

......then to be woken by my youngest scooting in his sleep. Right off the mattress onto the floor. I pulled his sleepy self back into snuggles and he passed right back out. (I should note I had moved the mattress to the floor due to this very fear and glad I did)

He scooted 3 or 4 more times without falling (I did keep dragging his still-asleep self back down to the center of the bed) I'd finally fallen asleep again.... and loudass thunder woke me back up. I was initially annoyed, but I love storms a LOT so once I settled back into my pillow and listened to the thunder and rain against the window I felt content enough to sleep. Woke up about 7 or 8 something? Which was dreadful. The boys were totally fine for the morning however. So that's a positive after all that.

The boys ate breakfast upstairs with gramma and I was able to clean up the disaster area that was my eldest's temporary room. (He'd trashed the place when he woke up before us. Playing. He found my sister's bead box. That was fun to pick miniscule beads out of long carpet at 8am)

Managed to shower after overheating from cleaning up. Ate a little bit. And just.... had a day. We existed. The boys played upstairs. Played downstairs. Tried to nap but nobody could. Then the misread text and trip home. Etc etc.

We 3 are sitting on the couch now, with 3 fans blowing on us from different spots. (And an ice pack on my chest) Hubs is desperately trying to sleep in my room before going downstairs for work. He has maybe an hour left to sleep before he has to drag himself from the cool cave he created.

I sincerely hope our repair guy can pick up the part first thing in the morning and head straight here. We cannot go back to my mom's tomorrow and I'm not sure where another alternative is. 🤞🏻

[sincelastsession]

Today has been fucking insane.

I had to call my uncle (who was very sloshed and mean abt my mom) and a friend in the military to prove to her that she was talking to a scammer and not the real General Ricky N Rupp who she believes is really real and going to wisk her away and shit.

Then I ordered us food and she complained abt everything and made faces.

Then my dad called and started screaming at her and instead of hanging up she put him on speakerphone.

He wants to tell you all about me by himself first and said some awful shit before I just walked outta the room.

I told my mom to tell him that you run the sessions, not me.

He wanted to basically meet and talk with you first I guess tattle on me and sus you out. He wanted to know what kind of person you were or something and I was just like....oh he's going to try to play games with Joshua.

So I'm just letting you know. I'll take accountability for the shit that's true that is reasonable to apologize for.

I know that you've been a therapist long enough to spot bullshit crazytown behavior.

He is very imo rejection sensitive and takes correction very hard. Moreso than I.

I don't know if we can get him to come to more than this session or if it's a good idea but I can't talk to him without a mediator because I'm scared of him. I'm also very hurt and angry with him.

If you want to see what sort off "oh I love my daughter she's not what you think" crap he's gonna say...it's up to you I'm letting you drive the parents sessions.

I'm honestly very nervous. He needs to understand that this is his last chance of having a connection with me.

He needs to understand threatening me and putting his hands on me etc...well he's lucky he's not in jail. If he hadn't had surgery that day I would have said "well I guess I'll be homeless" and just called them.

But it's not that instance. I actually did sustain an injury and my Rheumatologist has that on file. He fucked up some connective tissue in my neck. She said with my cervical spine issues if he'd yanked my hair harder that day he could have damaged me to a broken neck.

I was fully aware of everything that day and the other times he's attacked me. I remember it and I get anxiety.

Then I showed Mom places. We called an agent that was a friend of old friends and he was FUCKED UP and made an excuse to not talk with me about a rental he's in charge of because he had a stuffy nose...guy sounded like a spun out cokehead but Travis said "he's a weird guy" My mom thought he was rude as fuck.

Then I allowed mom to hug me which is rare and even asked for another hug and she had to tell me I smelled horrible...but I'd eaten like onions and garlic with my food and ofc my sweat wasn't great. Then she made a comment about my stomach "gut" and I told her "that's enough"

Annnd ofc the neighbors that were being quiet got loud after she left but it's a birthday for a kid so I'm not calling the security officer because I'm not a monster but it's past 8pm I hope they shut the fuck up soon.

I had to put my jacket on and curl up in bed and call Travis after allllll of this. I was getting the "in shock" tremor shakes in my stomach area and felt like I was going to pass out.

Other than typing I've gone pretty much nonverbal.

[resilientkitteh]

The Unnoticed Toll

TW: This is going to mention abuse, neglect, and a dead parent. As well as just parents being bad, the idea that not everyone should have kids, and mention of inherited genetic traits. Read on at your own risk.

Okay so we all know that the nuclear family isn't something that is real for everyone. So many of us are born into unsafe or destructive homes, and a lot of us have to fight to survive. But this isn't a post just about abuse and how prevalent it is and how no one wants to talk about it or act like it's fucking real when those of us who survived it know how real it is. This is about the part that a lot of people don't ever seem to think about. And honestly until recently I didn't realize just how extreme of a difference it made.

So most of the people who are abused as kids are also neglected in some way, shape or form as well, if not multiple forms. One that I realized recently as my body is slowly giving out due to crappy af genetics, is how many issues, bodily problems etc, can be dismissed, go unnoticed or ignored when you are abused. For example, if my mother had died earlier...I don't think I would have ever gotten glasses until the school forced my bio dick to get them. When they broke and I was in elementary school, I didn't get a replacement for MONTHS.

Now then imagine my surprise at not even being middle aged and needing surgery because my hips have a weird AF genetic condition...which can be found and corrected WHEN YOU ARE A KID. You know...if your parent isn't actively trying to kill you, or scaring you into believing that. Or if your next guardian actually believed you. I was diagnosed with asthma in elementary school and didn't get my first inhaler until I was in college and could pay for it myself. Because "if you were really an asthmatic you would know how to use the inhaler properly the first time." And my doctor couldn't force the evil woman to buy me one! I played sports, I did the stupid PE shit, and I kept having asthma attacks and I could have died from the negligence and NOTHING happened. No ONE did anything.

Back to my point...for kids like me, I rolled my ankles allllll the time, I could have had orthodics to help that...I could have gone to PT to help all my joints stabilize. They could have looked into my hypermobility...but they didn't care. So I did sports that were especially hard on my body because I didn't know any better. I put myself at risk in sports because I needed to get out of my house for as long as I could. For a decent chunk of my life I had food and shelter and clothes (though there were times I didn't because I was being abused) but besides the basic needs *minus safety and good sleep) being met...so many things that could have helped future me, kept me strong and set me up for success...medically and physically...were ignored and neglected. And to me, that is something we should talk about more. It's not just the emotional and mental toll we take as we are living in unsafe environments, its the medical neglect and the physical tolls all that abuse takes on our bodies that should be talked about as well. And if no one else is going to talk about it...I fucking will.

[biografter]

okay so doodle world has a cool official wiki and uh i think the community surrounding the wiki deserves a whole video essay about it some day because it is balls to the walls insane and i love it

okay okay so whats the deal with the doodle world wiki? well you see, the discussion boards the doodle world wiki are absolutely wild. there are nearly double the amount of off topic posts than the amount of posts in all of the on topic categories combined.

this nonsense is credited back to april 2022 where some user would not stop talking about how a cake rabbit was hot to them. somehow this person is really important for later. nobody stopped them because the doodle world wiki had no active thread moderators for a long time. the only people who could do anything were the admins and everybody was scared of them. this invited a whole slew of inappropriate content and discussion to run rampant on the boards, eventually leading into some semblance of a roleplay plot via a shitty little family tree and a group of popular users called the chaos crew. keep in mind one of the main members being two folks we’ll call tree and autumn. they were really popular and considered important to the wiki. fast forward a bit into the future and you get to something about autumn being cyberstalked by some guy we’ll call uhhhhh bucket man.

a little bit further on, the rampant sexual jokes cools down on its own (although its still concerning for a roblox game wiki) and yippee the wiki is mostly calm.

and then it was revealed that tree, autumn, bucket man, and even that weird bunswirl simp were allllll the same person. the cyberstalking was not real. also tree had some other alts that were moderately popular and also got into some incident (one went “missing in a forest” for 3 days, autumn also allegedly got into a coma at some point??, one straight up died, one was allegedly hacked by bucket man, etc) and the wiki got really sad and upset about that.

also, turns out that wasn’t the first time they did this! they pulled a very similar stunt back on the loomian legacy wiki apparently????? why? nobody knows!!!

also also in the background of this weird ass plot, there’s been a whole storm of roleplay cooking up. we had plotlines such as “that one time everybody had robots after some guy confessed to liking malfunctioning robots and then that guy started getting really weird with his robots so we’ve shunned him from wiki society” and “what if you were in a zombie apocalypse who would you team up with on the wiki” and “WINE!?!?!?!?”

so now we’re here in this weird pocket of the doodle world wiki discussion boards being filled with shitposts or rp posts and very few doodle world posts and it’s a mess but i love it

if you want to delve even deeper into this rabbit hole for no apparent reason, i happen to have a hobby of documenting things that do not matter that much and that includes painfully detailing as many stuff as i could on a blog page.

dont enjoy it

I'm bored and procrastinating, hit me with your longest hyperfixation rant

[olderthannetfic]

Sorry in advance for treating this like ‘Dear Abby’ but I am in need of some advice from a Queer Adult TM…

So, I have this friend who I’ve known for about ten years now. We’re seventeen right now, so let’s just say we went through allllll the phases together. We realized we were queer together, we had our first fandom experiences together (they were actually the person who introduced me to fanfic, which I’m really grateful for, because ever since it has been an integral part of my life), we were DeviantArt furry artists together circa 2016, it was a lot of embarrassing but also fun times. We are also both… and quite mentally ill and it was nice to have someone to help me through the worst bits (when I didn’t have access to therapy or meds) and how I could help them in return.

Lately (maybe over the past 2 years?) we’ve been drifting apart. I think it has a lot to do with the fact we don’t have many common interests anymore (they stopped caring about mine, and stopped sharing theirs with me), but we still do a lot together. They’re my coworker, a member of my ttrpg group, etc. etc.. Due to social anxiety they were my only friend for many years but now I have a few more, so I don’t mind not being as close to them (and I dislike putting the burden of me being reliant/clingy on them). However, they’ve recently been making it harder and harder for me to keep that friendship.

They smoke weed, get shitty stick and pokes, binge energy drinks and shoplift. I don’t have any moral issue with any of those things, but it’s concerning to me because I know they are not in the the right headspace to make those decisions about substances (and the rest). We have both struggled with mental illness, self-harm, and eating disorders. Part of the reason I drifted away from them is because they have no filter and “vent” about their problems to the point where it is very triggering to me (especially in terms of sh and ed). I don’t mind lending an ear but I also have boundaries that I put in place for myself… But yeah, even though they have access to treatment it seems not to be working, or there’s something hindering it. It really hurts to see them in such a bad place because we started out in similar places in regards to our mental health and now that I’m in a better place, they’re not.

I genuinely love and care about this person, but it’s so hard to help them when they shut down every form of help I + the rest of our mutual friends can offer. They’re very manipulative, I would like to think without meaning to, to the point where they twist my words around (for example, recently they did something extremely inappropriate and when I told them I was concerned for their well-being, they said they were sorry for making me “uncomfortable”). They’re also one of those people that plays oppression Olympics, and insists their parents are homophobic and tried to send them to conversion therapy— I know their parents very well, they are literal leftists who have pride flags in their front yard, campaign for politicians that support queer and trans rights, and attend one of the only completely gay-friendly and supporting churches in the area. But the way they talk about them causes other people to dislike them and think they’re homophobic, which they have noticed. I think it’s cruel to them, and also symptomatic of a larger problem that my friend has— they don’t seem to understand that their actions and words have consequences for other people.

I guess what I wanted to ask was: is it worth cutting this person off? I have a feeling that we were naturally grow even farther apart as we go to university, because our values are very different… They’re an anti, I’m not, they have a very surface-level views of politics and believe everything they read in Instagram infographics, I don’t. I don’t consider myself very mature, but they look very immature next to me. Besides, being around them often ends up negatively impacting me as well. However, I worry that cutting them off will makes things worse for them. I don’t want to see them get even more hurt. My confrontations haven’t been doing anything, but maybe they’ll come to their senses eventually.

I really don’t know what to do in this situation, but I’d appreciate any advice from anyone willing to offer it.

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Since you're about to go off to college, I'd let the friendship naturally fade.

It's not your job to save this person, and I do think you need to get away from them since they don't seem to be making an effort. But since you're naturally drifting away anyway, I don't think having a big, dramatic friend breakup will help anything.

On another note, everyone should have a moral objection to shoplifting. Not only is it dishonest and a sign that something is fucking wrong with you to shoplift, but shoplifters directly hurt retail peons who will get their pay cut as a result of store losses.

People who do this aren't sticking it to the man. They're parasites who hurt other nobodies.

The fact that a lot of teens (American teens?) think this disgraceful behavior is normal enrages me.