#we cant make any sense of this geniunely

[burn2834283392]

(the current state of the sonic fandom post-movies)

-

as somebody whos blasian, has had my mother and brother racially profiled by cops before, this just makes me sick. i'm begging you sonic fans on tumblr to stop with the fake activism, i KNOW you guys dont actually care. it's so disheartening seeing all these white or Racially Ambiguous folk on this site specifically go up in arms about fictional cops, have everybody in their notes like "omggg yeah ur so right i agree acab guys!!", while actual blk people cant even have their voices heard because you guys IGNORE us when we really need your help.

it makes me sick to my stomach. we are not thanking you for your unnatural and disturbing hate towards fictional characters. we are not considering you a saviour. you have done NOTHING for us, so just stop. stop.

support people in real life. protest real world problems. stop caring about a childrens movie. i watched it and enjoyed it. i don't care that he's a cop. it never changed my opinion about cops. "but it's copaganda" SHUT UP. like you would know shit about that.

if you're white, your input isnt necessary, read the post and go on your way. don't comment on it because i don't care what you have to say. if you're black and disagree with me, i'd like to hear your reason why (civilly, please). i'm open to a discussion with people who actually understand the issue or have the experience. none of that performative bullshit, i'm done with that.

[loversj0y]

am i the only one who has a boiling hatred for fanon ghostbur?

Like--- I'm neutral about canon ghostbur.

But i really really hate how so many people went as far as saying that Ghostbur was all the good parts of Wilbur.

That is just so wrong---- ghostbur has the good memories, but not all the good parts. it just drives me nuts.

ghostbur wasn't good for c!tommy or anyone coping with wilbur's death

it wasn't his fault, but people need to stop depicting him as they do

ohohoho i specifically waited to get to this until i had my laptop because i love me some character analysis! so. lets talk ghostbur!

disclaimer: these are opinions, i didnt write the character, this is just how id analyze ghostbur and audience portrayal of him

so something i think people dont note about ghostbur a lot is the fact that he is not wilbur in a much more real sense than people realize. something that revivebur kind of touches on but people dont really note (in my opinion) is the way the memories and your actions during memories actually shape you as a person. ghostbur could never be all the good parts of wilbur because without the negative memories, he could never have knowledge of how he can be good in negative scenarios, like being good towards tommy in darker times. this is one of the biggest things that makes ghostbur not healthy for the characters around him, and why wilbur being revived is so important to wilbur's overall character arc

ghostbur is the image of wilbur if he never dealt with significant problems, never caused problems or engaged in them, because he only has good memories, he's never seen himself in a negative situation (think to how ghostbur reacts to philza telling him fundy wants to be "adopted" by someone else (i cant remember who at the moment))

when people tell him of his own negative consequences, he literally cannot react in a way of genuine remorse. he feels guilt because he learns that the living version of himself did those things, but he cant actually give any apology that would be beneficial to anyone involved. ghostbur cant apologize for something he cant remember doing because he doesn't know why he acted in those ways.

we can contrast this with when revivebur tries to later apologize (im thinking particularly to fundy) and how when fundy asks why he did those things, he tells him about how he wasn't well mentally. even though fundy doesn't accept the apology (in a very. drastic way), revivebur can actually acknowledge his own motivations, which allows him to actually have a chance as being forgiven.

ghostbur doesnt know any of those motivations, which is why his character is unhealthy. he is literally a ghost of the man he once was, so even though people want genuine answers, before knowing he was going to be revived, they had to realize that ghostbur is basically a punching bag for them to push their issues with c!wilbur onto because ghostbur cant actually respond in any meaningful way in terms of remorse and forgiveness.

also, as for the audience portrayal, i think people got very caught up on the "sweet ghost boy" image rather than what he actually is and how he actually affects the characters. he literally haunts them and reminds them of all the trauma c!wilbur gave them, while knowing that he can't actually answer for any of it because he doesn't remember hurting them

its a very famous philosophical argument (i believe by kant) about the concept of "if someone has no memory of committing a crime, can they actually serve time for it?" because if you have no memory of doing something, can you actually learn from and grow from your experiences?

because ghostbur cant. and thats what hurts the people around him so much. people like c!tommy and c!philza who geniunely care about c!wilbur and want him to be okay know that ghostbur is not that answer because he can't grow from memories he doesnt remember playing a part in, so it hurts to see someone you love be constantly stuck in place of never being able to grow and never being able to answer for all the things you want to ask.

ghostbur is so important to c!wilburs arc because he reminds people not to seek justice on those who can't answer for it. some people actually recognize this, some don't, and some just avoid him like a plague because it hurts.

[babyloniastreasure]

https://www.tumblr.com/thegoodthegrandandtheugly/737819072394412032

Looking at that confession as Urukian lover and Mahabros lover I am torn between

"those fights are dope this is gameplay adaptation you can't expect them to be historically accurate" and

"I also think the distance that Fate franchise put between Gil and Enkidu is ridiculous these two's PDA are downright insufferable in the epic also getting tired with Fate pointlessly chaining Karna Arjuna on the hip while refuse to explore their relationship with Kauravas and Pandavas seriously why did you make Duryodhana and Bhima summonable servants and still fujobaiting 2 brothers who geniunely hate each other before they get the whole murdery outta their system"

There is definitely a delicate balance between the way Fate depicts fights between certain characters and how those fights would have gone outside of Fate's characterization. Fate, however, tends to lean only on its own writing and very rarely takes the source material into account, which means we should probably keep our expectations low and remember that this is not going to be accurate to begin with

For that reason I don't have any strong feelings about how Gilgamesh and Enkidu's/Junao and Super Karna's fights were depicted. Like, I understand where the frustration comes from, because I'm a huge advocate for accuracy and wish Fate would be more accurate. I've rambled about inaccuracies re: The Epic of Gilgamesh and Fate many a time. But within Fate's own characterization, it makes WAY more sense for Gilgamesh and Enkidu to fight at long range than it would be for them to wrestle. Gilgamesh is an Archer who is big and flashy and likes to make a show out of his power. He can't very well do that when he's up close and personal with someone. He honed his technique and this is how he chooses to fight at his peak of power. Likewise, Enkidu is going to try and best Gilgamesh at his own game--which is a ranged battle. They are both dramatic show offs, constantly trying to best the other and gloriously as possible. But for them it's more like a game, it's admiration, its nostalgic. So they'll fight in a way that allows them to see the full power of the other and take all of that in as much as possible. You can see much more of your beloved in all of his glory when you're looking at him from a distance.

The same goes for Junao vs Karna fighting in melee rather than at range. It makes sense given the characterization and context. They want to kick each other's ass so very, very badly, and it's much more fulfilling to settle a lifelong grudge when you're right up in your opponent's face when you deal those heavy blows. When you're fighting that close to someone, there's tension, there's desperation, there's emotion. You feel your weapon crash against and cut through your opponent, you don't get that with ranged fights. It's deeper, its more satisfying, it's more devastating. Junao and Karna have deeply personal feelings and reasons for fighting each other, it's more fitting for them to demonstrate their resolve and prove their power while looking the other directly in the eye.

That face-to-face desperation also creates a higher risk because neither Junao NOR Karna are typically close-range combatants. Karna is mid range at best, but even still his style is typically getting in close to the enemy so they cant use ranged attacks against him. Considering this, if Karna is getting in close, Junao would have to retaliate at the same close range. And we know Arjuna/Junao is skilled with any manner of weapons and combat styles, so it's not exactly inaccurate for him to be able to fight Karna at close range anyway.

I suppose it's less about historical accuracy or artistic depiction, and more about looking at how the Fate characters fight and how they'd react to whoever made the first move in that fight. Because again, this is Fate. Neither the characters themselves nor their Fate-narratives are accurate. Why would they bother with historical accuracy now?

But perhaps I have read too much into it or missed the point altogether lmao

In my humble opinion, we as Fate fans need to stop comparing Fate's adaptation of heroes to their source material, because we only hurt ourselves by doing so. As unfortunate as that is

I do agree that Arjuna and Karna should stop being so attached at the hip though. I'd love nothing more than to see their relationships with other Mahabharata servants flourish independently of the other. We can only hope that one day Yudhishthira will become summonable and bring balance to Chaldea

[ufonaut]

(If you’ve already answered something like this please delete this) What do you think is the turning point for henry senior to, not to say stop caring for hank, but to deem him expendable? Like he turned cold after merry died probably because hank reminds henry of merry which sets him off, but what made him willing to kill henry in brainwave jr? Like henry seemed to care for henry before (even after merry’s death) and had to have some purpose for him right? Like what changed for him to be cool with killing his son? Do you think he was always ready for that possibility?? Since he told Cindy he would have done anything to save him- though that might have been henry just pushing off the guilt. Henry’s mind is such a mystery to me, man! Jordan’s a sad iceman, but henry is just so interesting! He was even a good dad at one point 🙁

the thing is!!! the thing is... i have no idea!!!!! brainwave & brainwave jr are my literal favourite episodes of the show and the latter is even written by james robinson, who’s one of my all time favourite writers at dc, and i still haven’t figured out any version of this that makes sense. i’m not about to call bad writing but i think there are definitely moments in the show as a whole that are lacking in depth when it comes to henry

not to be like “well, neil jackson said--” every day of my life but i do geniunely think at least half of this is on cjb just going out there and doing his job (wonderfully) but not putting much thought into henry’s motivations like neil did with jordan. as it’s been repeatedly pointed out, henry’s the real villain of the show in the true sense of the word because he kills his wife & son and we’re left with this monstrous act that seemingly has no real motivation behind it, we’re merely meant to understand that this man is terrible enough to be capable of it. and i don’t vibe with that!

i think the merry situation IS interesting because i see it as very much an accidental death (argument about starman post-jsa defeat takes a turn for the worse, henry’s powers lash out despite his best intentions and he causes a seizure or something without meaning to like he did to the guy in the flashback in the brainwave ep, jordan helps cover it up with his ice powers hence henry partially blaming him. or something like that. something plausible) and i can not only absolutely buy that but want to explore it endlessly. hank’s death though? that makes NO sense whatsoever to me! like, i loveeee the dynamic shift between jordan & henry and i love that jordan’s just terrified out of his mind now that he knows how far henry’s willing to take this, like the consequences are fine & good but i dont see what could push henry to the point of being willing to kill hank, no matter how much dr ito mightve messed with his mind.

like, is the memory of merry’s death still fresh? does it hurt enough that he’d really wanna get rid of hank? like the whole “join me or die” ultimatum just doesn’t FEEL like a sentiment anyone could have in the situation we’re presented with. henry raised hank! it’s not just some random kid claiming to be his son or something! i honestly don���t see what changes for him in that regard, even if -- again -- i like how much of a mockery it makes of jordan’s dreams (the plan’s supposed to be for the good of the kids!) and how downright horrifying the sudden shift is. that’s all written exceedingly well, it’s just exactly the question ur asking that has no real answer

my only theory is that hank ISNT dead and what henry said to yolanda in the tunnels when he was pretending to be henry (the whole blending in with dr ito’s zombies thing) is literally the truth. maybe this is henry’s take on the same offer jordan makes barbara about being able to protect her & courtney from the others. otherwise, well, it’s just not great writing and not great characterisation and the lack of depth in this particular aspect is one of the main reasons i cant fully get into henry as a character. there is literally no turning point that we can see, amnesia!henry wouldn’t have killed hank and frankly neither wouldve normal henry. i definitely dont mean this in the sense that he’s not “””evil”””””” enough to do it or whatever, i don’t care about the morals of it but merely in terms of an actual reason that means something within the narrative

[danseru-kun]

FFVII Remake Playthrough 9 - The End

For all my reactions for the entire game, they’re under #Danseru Review. This is not going to be reaction for the entire game but just the final chapters.

I finished my last run just after I climbed to the upper plates on the way to Shinra HQ.

So Tifa, Cloud and Barret look over to the sunset against the ruins of Sector 7. Instead of meaningful introspection of the weight of their actions and the devastation, Cloud is his usual edgy self, and Tifa is about rebuilding a bar. They talk like the bar burned down instead of thousands of people dead. I cant see any character growth from Cloud at 40+ hours and he’s really bland. 

Shinra HQ in general

I geniunely love the moment when Cloud screams “Tifa!” and runs to her when she falls from the parkour stuff. I felt it’s one of the few genuine Cloti moments that doesn’t feel like fanservice. While it’s hella boring to do that platforming section (I’m played Uncharted and this is meh), I love controlling Tifa. 

I debated whether I’ll take the stairs or the elevator. In the Original I took the stairs and it was worth the humor. I checked the cut scene of the elevator and it has more of Tifa’s “Shinra employees are humans too” bullshit (not her, but the writers). So I opted to the take stairs and it’s a delight because Barret is entertaining. 

The museum and Mayor Domino

I think this section makes sense showing us Shinra’s history and propaganda but like my usual gripe, it’s not characterful. I must say Barret is decent throughout this section as he gives his thoughts and expresses his feelings over the matter. While Tifa and Cloud, who are supposed to have personal grudge over Shinra barely offers commentary. 

I don’t have feelings over the mayor but he feels like a convenient ally to introduce so late in the story. It makes sense he’s a puppet leader. I just wish we can read stuff in his office for lore. Also I’m pissed his attendant tried to sell me information, and it turns out I should have accepted it for Barret’s gun? What a joke.

Aerith and Hojo’s Big Lab

Okay, Hojo seriously creeps me out, especially that part where he talks about impregnating Aerith and breeding her either with Seph or Genesis. (Shudders) I do feel that this captured the original...

But geez those Whisperers preventing Hojo from revealing the truth about Cloud not being in Soldier. I really hate the Whispers. 

Yay finally she’s back. I have like three staffs that need some proficiency and I was itching to use Aerith again. I like seeing her room when she was a kid, but it’s just so cold when she was trying to say her mother was taken everyday, and Cloud was like “tell us about your past.” 

Nanaki! Nice to have you around but sadly I can’t control you. He’s adorable. 

Again this section is super bloat. On the upside, you get to play Tifa and Aerith together. The girls vs dogs was challenging and fun. You literally have to keep on going with Tifa and just one second of pause will make the dogs shred you.

I felt this section is similar to the sun lamp chapter that just drags soooooo long and just bloat. It makes no sense they’re suddenly on board with helping Hojo do his things because “otherwise we can’t get out of here.” Seriously? 

 Shinra President and Rufus

I’ve already expressed how much I hated this section because it makes absolutely no sense for Tifa’s character: https://www.tumblr.com/reblog/623070870698590208/EivVTTuc

It’s because again, Nibelheim Must Not Be Revealed Except Vague Flashbacks.

Jenova Dreamweaver! Tifa is an amazing tentacle smasher. Otherwise easy boss fight. 

Also it makes no sense Cloud will remain and fight Rufus? Why? How is Rufus relevant to him as a character based on what he displayed so far?  Barret makes more sense based on how he’s acting. 

The Counter strike of Cloud was literally made for this fight. It’s... ok and I used Poison for the first time. 

The Bosses and the Highway

Barret and Aerith vs the tank boss is the worst boss fight in the game. It’s literally just torture and patience, and repetitive hiding behind pillars and waiting for that weakness point to pop up. 

The highway as predicted, was bloated with so many fights and I died thrice to that final boss. I’m an idiot because at 50 hours I just discovered how to slow down. 

At this point I’m super tired of boss fights after one another.

The Final Chapter

I’ll probably express it in a better review but it’s just a huge mess and I was just too tired to rant. I thought Aerith was the best adapted character up to this point until she reveals that it’s actually a fight for... destiny! That’s like Goku suddenly saying he’s fighting for animal rights, or Batman suddenly about Global Warming. It also makes me feel they recycled FF13-2 and Serah/Yeul regarding destiny and fate.  I went WTF and it needed me 50 hours to really know what we are fighting for? Only Barret is consistent because he’s fighting for the planet and Marlene.

Easy boss fight that’s so boring. I didn’t even remember dying.

Also yes Sephiroth and Cloud are just so homoerotic together.

So apparently they allowed Zack, Biggs and Wedge to live but people revealing Cloud’s past has to be silenced by the Whisperers. It’s so stupid I’m so tired of complaining. Also if you’re a new player, who the heck is Zack supposed to be?

Of all main Final Fantasy entries I’ve seen, Remake’s ending is the least emotionally moving. I hated FFXV but even at the end I went “awww” especially when they’re at the bonfire and talking about friendship.

The ending ties nothing together for the characters. I remember myself watching FFX and FF13′s endings over and over. Remake has nothing I wanna rewatch or relive. It’s a shallow story, weak character development and written with the assumption that the people are already familiar with the lore. 

[arhylle]

So a lot of people still keep asking me why I dont like the way Skam Spain is portraying Alejandro as opposed to original William. I hope this post will once and for all help you see my side.

Im not saying that it’s okay for boys to treat girls like William did to those he’s had sex with by giving them “trophy hoodies” to feed his ego. But the thing is, it was something he did along with his friends, the Penetrators. They all did it as a group. You know sometimes we have friends who do stupid things and we sometimes participate but our hearts are really not in it, right?

We got to know William in Season 2 and learned he wasnt the douche that he appeared to be in Season 1. So in my opinion, he participated in this hoodie thing as part of the group, for comradeship, if you will. It doesnt mean it was something he would deliberately do and even conceptualize on his own, if he wasnt part of a dumb teenage boy group. 

If we watch William carefully, taking into account his general aloofness, it’s obvious he doesnt care a lot about things, so on his own, he wouldnt have bothered with those hoodies. It’s just that, again, he was one of the Penetrators and it was their thing.

But having said all that, it’s also possible that not all those girls who had William’s hoodies meant they were all his “conquests”. Everything we know about this whole trophy thing, anyway, is from Noora’s perspective, and she was already biased against William, being a typical feminist. We actually never literally see William give all those girls the hoodies. Did Noora? She was new at the school, where and when did she learn all this? Yeah, someone maybe told her, or she maybe did see William give one or two of them, but she couldn’t have seen all of them. Or maybe it was just her own conclusion as levelheaded but judgemental feminist, and dont get me wrong, it was a reasonable conclusion.

But remember the night of the party when Noora slept at his house? A box of those hoodies were just there unattended in a box on the floor. And for sure this was not the first time William had a party at his house. Any delusional obsessive girl could have picked one during those parties so they could pretend they hooked up with one of the Penetrators. Except for Vilde I dont remember William making out with other girls. Im not saying he didnt have other girls, im just saying it’s possible he didnt have that many girls and was a victim of a rumor that sprung from the number of girls who wore his hoodies around campus, which, again, a lot of them might be stolen.

Now with this possibility, we can say Vilde was unwittingly accusing him falsely, which accounted for the geniune shock on his face when she confronted him about the hoodies. Which probably what pushed him to insult her back. It’s possible that when he gave Vilde one, the real objective of those hoodies was even far from his mind. Maybe he thought Vilde was cold or maybe it was an honest to goodness parting gift?

Now I know all this is just wishful thinking on my part, justifying and rationalizing William’s actions. But that’s the point. I can find logical possible reasons for his behavior, if i really look hard for them, but not Alejandro’s thoughtlessness.

I can reconcile the William who, as part of the Penetrators, gave out trophy hoodies to girls he’s had sex with to the William who later thoughtfully brought blanket and hot cocoa to keep Noora warm on their first date, not to mention all the other thoughtful things he did for her when they finally dated. But i cant reconcile this thoughtful William to a William who thoughtlessly go around kissing girls, knowing he has herpes breakout on his mouth and can obviously infect them.

I told someone the other day that when Alejandro finally explains to Nora that he didnt mean to infect anyone, i’ll believe him. But that was before, when I thought he wasnt showing any symptoms and therefore didnt know he had herpes. When i rewatched the clip, i finally saw what i missed the first time. He clearly had sores on his mouth and still kissed that girl.

Portraying Alejandro in this way doesnt make any sense to me, but I guess the writers know what they’re doing. Or do they? I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

[limitenless]

omg if you can tag your fave mutuals as a few nct members haha!!

i guess people sometimes tag their mutuals as their respective bias but i won’t do that, i’ll tag as these have the same energy (from what i know from both nct and my mutuals sorry if i get any of you wrong)

@haechxnie ─ jisung

MARIAN seems shy and different; you’ll show her some love and she’ll be so grateful!!!1

@doyoung ─ doyoung !osakfds

what the hell ivie is the #1 intellectual stan on this website; HAS A BIG HEART even if it’s not written on her face; will fight u but will also fight for you; A+ sense of humour i wish i had her wittiness

@tenfanclub ─ jeno

amy has THE BIGGEST HEART OUT THERE just A LOT of love to give; soft and also insightful but she can’t always put into words and it’s cute

@haechan ─ jaemin (it wasn’t on purpose i swear lol)

mirai just seems so easy to love? nice and funny, it’s like she creates this affectionate aura around her, i can’t really put into words; as i see, she does stuff out of love and it’s easygoing

@kimjungwoocult ─ xuxi

loud and attractive in all means, supportive and makes people feel good around her. may come off as scary but it only takes 2 seconds to see eve is a sweetheart

@tae1en ─ yuta iasdfkASUDJKJK

lou just seems quite misterious and moody to me; unexpectedly insightful and funny but lowkey distressed (HOPE UR OK LOU asjkdfaskm) 

@dowooks ─ haechan

sharp sense of humour; looks like would drag you but actually soft inside

@nctdream ─ chenle

GRACE IS LOUD AND CUTE funny and smol; she’ll make you feel better even if she isn’t aware of it; her excitement is contagious. renjun’s #1 fan so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

@jaewin ─ renjun

FUNNY EXCITED TALENTED it just seems nishat would choke you out of love idk

@limitaeless ─ kun

MARI the other half of our limitless bds duo

@jaedowin ─ sicheng

MIMI isn’t loud, but everyone loves her and appreciate her talent what can i say? we are lucky she’s around, I LOVE chill people and she seems one of them, spending some time with her must be great :3

@godtierjeno ─ johnny

houa is one of my first mutuals and since day one i felt so comfortable around here cause of her? it’s like she brings people tgt and is always ready to listen and be supportive, i appreciate her SO MUCH

@nctaezen ─ jaehyun

MIA seems the kind of person who laughs at her own jokes and knows how to have a good time by herself but it’s also so welcoming to everyone else and really chill; only slowly you’ll become aware of HOW BIG her heart is (through her small gestures and words); made of purely good stuff, i guess you’d be happy just to see her grinning but unfortunately i haven’t had the chance to know for sure

@jjungwoos ─ ten

her mind?? like hyuck once said abt ten “i don’t think you can fully understand this hyung” me abt angelina; she comes off as really funny and different cause i cant predict her tags at all; ocasionally however we have matching tags/captions and i’m like???? impredictable anyways

@nct119 ─ taeil

at first you see rahma’s talent but then you get to discover her personality and youre like :0 why did i wait so long to send you some LOVE; i like the way she express herself, it’s quite her own, lighthearted and funny

[attina-the-responsible]

Tails, Boobs, and Second Dates ~*~ [Mersisters]

In which Attina has a second date and needs to share it with the troops

[feat. Andrina, Adella, Arista, Aquata, Alana. Ariel in spirit. <3]

@andrina-the-amazingsupergenius, @adella-the-romantic, @arista-the-musical, @aquata-the-bold, @alana-the-badbitch

Attina UPDATE: I GOT AN INVITE TO DATE TOO i mean he's calling them challenges but pretty sure that's the same thing. Attina also *two im excited dont judge me

Aquata is this the shit you guys were all talking about while I was gone?

Alana time to break out the lingerie

Adella oh my god atty do you own lingerie

Attina OMG AQUATA you don't know about paul wow okay where do i start.

Arista Ohhhh challenges I like it

Andrina wow is he going to make you walk a tightrope over fire

Attina of course i own lingerie it makes me feel pretty

Andrina or like a hot dog eating contest Andrina swallowing knives

Adella that doesn't sound as cute as hopscotch

Andrina hula hooping tbh

Aquata you all sent so many messages did you really think I was gonna be able to get through them all?

Attina oh i hope not, i'd take the tightrope over fire over hot dog eating

Alana hula hooping on fire

Andrina walking on a tightrope Andrina while eating hotdogs

Attina WeLL what else are you going to do in your downtime Attina my love live is VERY IMPORTANT

Alana life

Attina thank you alana what would i do without you

Adella super important

Attina thanks dell

Aquata so are you going to give me the spark notes version of this or what?

Alana tldr, aqua: atty got a boys number they went on a date Alana it went well Alana woohoo

Attina a HOPSCOTCH date it was so cute

Adella lol

Alana each and every decision, of course, needs a conference Alana hence why we are here

Aquata ...hopscotch?

Attina of course

Arista He's got two kids. Have you met the kids are they cuuuute? Is the next challenge meeting the kids????

Aquata alright whatever not judging, let's dive in

Alana oh yeah he's a daddy Alana atty got herself a daddy

Attina oh goodness i hope he doesn't just spring the children on me.

Adella the children Adella he has more than one?

Arista he said challenge though and springing children is a challenge. They're kinda heavy

Alana super daddy

Attina he's got twins dell just like you! except a boy and a girl

Aquata alright so date two...?

Arista Dell has twins?

Alana oh you didnt know?

Adella wow how weird would it have been if one of us was a boy

Attina RIGHT get this!

Alana she keeps them in your closet

Adella ris jfc

Arista but like twin what?

Adella US WE ARE TWINS

Arista is she keeping twin puppies in my close--oh Arista riiiight

Attina /Simba/ came into the shoppe and had a note tied onto Bowie's collar asking me to the lakeside for idk hopefully a picnic or something! but i have no idea what. he said date two was goingto be an obstacle course but i'm like 70% sure he was kidding.

Arista aw it was a doggy note

Adella what's sim and bowie got to do with it

Aquata well I mean you did hopscotch so an obstacle course is in the realm of possibilities

Attina yeah i dunno if the whole collar thing was simba's idea or paul's, could be either tbh

Andrina best wear kneepads, elbow pads, and a helmet just in case t b q h

Aquata did hopscotch? play hopscotch? Aquata I don't know how the hell you say that

Attina play?

Alana wow

Arista oh what if its like one of those obstacles courses they had on the Bachelorette the other night where they test your kid skills

Attina my kid skills?

Aquata And the Waboom guy drowned the baby.

Adella oh my god

Arista and still won. Which was so UNFAIR

Alana extreme breastfeeding

Attina alana.

Aquata Kenny deserved to win tbh

Adella ew

Attina noT helPING

Alana that's a skill

Andrina oh yeah wear a really busty t-shirt

Arista he totally did. Wow Aquata we need to watch on Monday together

Alana hey can we breastfeed

Andrina it will activate his dad senses

Attina I'm not going to show off my breasts.

Alana i legit don't know

Aquata I had to make my roommates watch it with me in London, they were not thrilled.

Attina we're mammals of course we can breast feed

Aquata ALRIGHT BACK ON TRACK THOUGH

Adella wait what do you mean can we

Aquata DATE TWO Aquata OBSTACLE COURSE

Alana have you seen a mermaid breastfeed Alana because I DO NOT REMEMBER

Arista OH right! as I was saying on the Bachelorette they had like vaccumming races and like changing diaper races and stuff

Attina I /really/ hope it's not an obstacle course. hey aqua think you can go in my place? There is no way i'm getting through an obstacle course.

Adella i assume we were breastfed?

Attina we were della.

Alana nice good to know

Adella see atty remembers

Alana i hear some people are into adult lactation

Aquata Yeah, I'll just sneak in when it's time to run it. He definitely won't notice the change in appearance

Adella yikes

Alana wear a wig aqua

Aquata I'm not wearing a fucking wig.

Attina yes! exactly.

Aquata let alone running in one

Attina aw c'mon! true love could be at stake!!

Arista does anyone ever think that like... its super unnatural for us to drink milk because you're like breastfeeding from a cow like baby cows need that

Aquata just dye your hair

Adella wow true love Adella this escalated quickly

Alana tell me more ris

Adella no ris

Alana have you thought about becoming vegan

Attina dye /my/ hair no thank you. i love my hair.

Andrina i geniunely cannot concentrate on this conversation Andrina the fuck are we talking about cows

Arista I mean I have. I'm already a vegetarian

Attina ALSO it's not true love /yet/ but it /could/ be that's why i said /could/

Alana you mean it wasnt at first sight

Adella bummer

Alana *gasp*

Aquata I'm sorry but I'm still not wearing a wig

Alana ris if u switch to soy or almond milk then baby cows can have more cow milk!

Arista wait is it bad that I didn't like love Van at first sight, is that a thing guys

Adella almond milk is yummy

Attina ugh. fine. i'll just have to keep my fingers crossed for no obstacle course.

Alana i dont date anyone unless i fall in love wtih them on first sight

Aquata No it is not a bad thing.

Alana hence why i have not dated anyone

Adella lana's just being a jerk ris

Attina and it's not bad arista, sometimes love takes a while.

Andrina i only date cows

Arista okay, cause like I could definitely I'm just like not ready yet

Aquata just make sure that if it's a race it's in a pool because then I can wear a cap. Problem solved

Attina oh! well we'll be at the lake so, but i mean i could take paul in a race if we were just swimming pfft he's /human/

Arista I dunno, swim caps aren't cute. Like no offense Aquata but its like weird looking

Alana i think she looks rather fetching in her swim cap

Adella you could find a cute one i'm sure

Aquata They make fun ones Ris

Alana it brings out her cheekbones and face structure when her hair's not a mess

Attina though i mean wait what if he /does/ ask to go in the water that's like--i should pretend i can't swim or something right i just that freaks me out we shouldn't do that oh god i didn't actually think about this at all he wants to go down to the /lake/

Aquata thanks lana

Alana i read "he wants to go down" Alana and i was like "bow chicka chicka"

Aquata Do you want me to be on standby for the lake just in case?

Attina ugh i dunno is that weird? if you're just like...hanging around? though he hasn't met you yet so maybe that's a good thing he wouldn't know

Arista Maybe you guys should have like walkie talkies.... or text each other... but walkie talkies are more fun

Alana lurk in a bush Alana we also have phones Alana modern day walkie talkies

Attina walkie talkies /are/ fun but bulky but i can't be on my phone that's rude!

Aquata then just like send me a signal or something

Arista I dunno you could always say its a "sister emergency" he should understand what he's getting into with all of us

Andrina just do ur hair super nice and then if he's like dur dur dur lets go in the lake be all "but my HAIR"

Adella keep a pigeon nearby

Andrina then flash him some tit, you're good to go

Adella tie a lil message to its leg

Alana or make up mhm

Attina i don't want him to think i'm /vapid/

Arista I dunno his ex seems kinda like that, he's probs used to it

Attina also dell that's a brilliant idea know of any pigeons that'll help out? oh! what if i asked one of the fish! they could tell you aquata.

Alana or you can say you cant swim

Attina wait ris do you know his ex???

Andrina oh here we go

Aquata that's what I was kind of getting at? That I just like, stay in the lake and I'll be able to see you guys

Adella oh no

Arista I know Roger who is his best friend who knows his ex

Alana oooo spill the tea

Aquata oh god Ris why

Attina wait you know roger?! he mentioned him on our date. is he nice?

Alana that's that dog walker bloke with the hair right

Adella i think so

Alana he works at the record shop Alana i think?

Adella yeah him

Arista Yeah he's super nice! We've worked on some music together

Attina yeah yeah i've run into him once or twice but that was before i didn't really get a read

Alana he has a nice butt

Arista I didn't look at his butt. He's usually sitting at a piano

Adella wow

Andrina is it better or worse than paul's butt Andrina bc not too late attina could switch london blokes

Attina paul has a /very/ nice butt, i got to watch as he drew chalk for like three minutes.

Adella also wow

Andrina [highfive emoji]

Attina 😉

Alana okay back to Alana EX???

Adella dun dun DUN

Attina i dont think anyone knows her do they?

Andrina uk idk what's her name

Attina uhm i think it's like--perdita? some weird name though i guess we have weird names too so that's not saying much

Alana oi is she doing the play Alana is she /juliet/ in the play

Attina what how do you knwo that

Andrina i'd rather know why it ended is no one else curious about /that/

Arista yeah she's totally juliet

Alana bc i saw the announcement for the cast bc mags wanted to go for juliet and i noticed the name and like

Arista and he's romeo

Andrina why do we care Andrina oh

Alana how many perditas Alana lmao

Adella wow that's not good

Alana wow atty, time to flash the tits

Andrina ok my question is more relevant

Attina well maybe it's fine it's not like they did that on purpose or anything

Andrina now

Arista I forgot about that. You'd think I'd remember from all the music practice for the play

Alana just be like SO HEARTBREAK HERE'S WHEN I HAD HEARTBREAK HAHA

Adella that's just asking a question

Attina that's totally prying it's being /completely/ nerdy Attina NOSY

Alana idk when does one normally bring up exes

Adella wow called me nerdy Adella out of me and ris

Attina we aren't even official or anything it's not a big deal people break p all the time

Alana but kids Alana that's a whole other level Alana mhm

Adella right that's like

Attina what do you know about it alana

Adella extra baggage Adella more than normal

Alana i watch reality tv i know things

Andrina what if he's like divorced too Andrina you could be dating a young divorcee and not know it

Attina so what's that matter? they're not together anymore

Andrina i dunno i'd like to /know/ if the bloke i'm into was married before Andrina for how long Andrina when it ended

Attina this is the /second/ date that's like a DTR talk

Andrina if he ever wants to get married again like /some/ people do hint hint nudge nudge

Attina i dont want to scare him off

Andrina ok fair point Andrina new plan: sisters, dig. attina, charm. wear a busty dress.

Adella to the lake

Andrina she's got a sundress that shows off some cleavage that's appropriate

Attina what if he makes me do another ridiculous task

Adella then you'll show him more than some cleavage

Arista why is everyone showing paul boobs in their plan

Attina it's not in /my/ plan

Arista good boobs are for later

Attina i'm glad arista gets it. i'm in the same boat, sister.

Adella i didn't say i liked that plan!

Attina oh, true. ahha. lOOK everyone else just keeps telling me to show my boobs and shit, so it's just my assumption

Arista third date material probably. I dunno I feel like Attina is a beyond third date kinda person. I mean I showed Van my boobs like before we were actually dating /officially/ but everyone has their own pace

Attina lord

Adella i wasn't gonna call her out on it Adella but here we are

Attina wow now i feel betrayed am i the oNLY CONSERVATIVE ONE ugh im a freak what if he is /expecting/ boobs

Adella AHEM

Arista Adella didn't show her boyf her boobs for a whileeeee

Attina at least that makes two of us della

Alana are we talking about boobs again

Attina nO no we are nOT

Alana bummer

Adella i'd rather not talk about atty's boobs

Adella or any of your boobs really

Andrina that's a shame, i've got great ones Andrina as does atty

Adella right okay we aren't all that blessed

Alana atty does have great boobs

Arista I have good boobs too

Alana so do u sells Alana **DELLA Alana sorry nails drying

Adella i mean i guess

Andrina we've all great boobs it's in the genes

Adella all boobs are good boobs

Arista I agree Arista I like boobs

Adella we know

Attina i dont think that's really here nor there to be perfectly honest because im /not/ wearing a dress this time

Alana write a song about boobs

Attina or pants because it will be hot and also they make my legs looks stumpy Attina though shorts kind of make me look fat so lose lose lol

Alana oh well U have lovely legs 2

Adella true

Arista ohh I totally should. Make it like Your Body is a Wonderland John Mayer type vibe

Andrina oi attina come off that Andrina where those high waisted shorts with the flowers you love those

Alana atty u r hot

Adella ooo those are nice

Attina i dunno they're kind of childish

Alana ^^ yes

Arista yeah and if you think you look stumpy that's what heels are for. Shoes solve everything

Alana not that they r childish I like them

Attina i can't wear heels down to the lake i'll fall flat on my face

Arista oh right. Well still you can get shoes that help

Andrina sides paul likes children he's a dad

Adella tbf you could do that anyway atty

Andrina wait Andrina not what i meant

Alana hot

Attina jesus andy

Attina also thanks della really great way to boost my confidence there

Adella i was just giving you a heads up

Attina it's already a miracle i didn't do it during hopscotch i guess he'll find out eventually how klutzy /all/ of us are

Adella no need to be snippy

Andrina um i'm the picture of grace Andrina but anyway: Andrina you survived hopscotch in a dress and he invited you to a SECOND date clearly stumpy legs don't matter

Adella i don't think you have stumpy legs anyway! Adella if they were as long as mine you'd just be /lanky/ and klutzy like me

Alana oh my god Alana I am drowning in your pity party

Arista snap out of it Atty you're being self-decapitating again

Alana look we are all hot and we all have our quirks and the key is being proud of them and owning them and boys eat that shit up Alana boys and girls and whatever

Arista ^^^

Adella thank u for the inclusion

Attina okay but /cleaning/

Arista but he DIDNT CARE because he LIKES YOU

Adella yeah but that's... Adella very adult of you?

Alana yah and andrina takes pics of strangers and she's gotten laid loads

Andrina when it doubt, tits out Andrina kidding

Arista I'm a nerd who sings at all hours of the day and hangs out in an arcade and I don't always say the smartest things and yet I have a girlfriend so

Adella no u arn't

Attina yeah but you've got like talents and shit like photography is great and alana u have your make up and arista you have your music and so do you della and i've got...cleaning. YOU KNOW WHAt it doesn't matter that's not the point, i'm just saying i don't like shorts but im probably stuck in shorts so we're goign with shorts, but not the flower ones.

Arista actually I'm a geek not a nerd. I was told the difference and I don't remember it

Alana I don't know a single boy who was ever impressed by make up lmao

Arista REGARDLESS you are talented you like keep a business afloat and stuff

Andrina ok seems like u got this then Andrina live ur life Andrina follow ur compass

Arista plenty of girls are Lans maybe you're looking at the wrong gender

Alana yah ur responsible Alana I'm like p sure I prefer dick

Arista prefer

Attina right yes yeah definitely, thanks ladies. i'm sure it'll be fine.

Alana we love u and u r beautiful and talented and awesome Alana 💗

Attina wow lana are you high or smth

Andrina 💗 rock it

Arista she was painting her nails, maybe she sniffed some remover

Alana why r u doubting my kindness

Andrina im proud of u lan

Adella srsly don't ask questions Adella i like when lan is nice

Alana it's bc aqauta is back and she's meaner than I am so whatever I say sounds lovely

Attina all of you are perfectly capable of being lovely

Adella some of us just have a harder time with it

Alana aquata most of all mhm

Arista I think she went to swim practice or something she hasn't talked in a while

Adella that or she's taking all of her clothes back out of your closet

Alana lmao

[j-cypher-moved]

@the anon who submitted their message two days ago

  I dont know why im doing this.. im sorry            

Hey alice! I’ve been following your blog for a year now, i think? I havent regrettted following you bc your posts, whether they’re your own or just reblogs, always make me smile especially your happy tag. I read all your asks and I did come across your bunny anon and I liked how you took your time to reply to them. So… I know im being selfish right now.. but because you’re the only blog i follow that actually takes her time to read and understand a person without judging her.. and give a lengthy answer, i thought i should… try my luck..Even if you wont understand me..i’ll just write what comes to my mind without a plan and hahah im already getting tears in my eyes.. Also im really sorry Im submitting this, but I think its gonna be legnthy (sorry for that too) and im afraid tumblr would eat the seperate asks..

So.. to start off: Im turning 23 soon, but I really dont like myself. like at all? I mean, being 22, i should have achieved something in life,right? but i achieved literally nothing.

I finished school and the 13th grade (its not university but here its considered like a college. after graduating you can choose an even higher school, 11th to 13th grade. but its not university because that comes after 13th grade). I mean yeah i finished the 13th grade but for what? I did something i thought i wanted, but am actually miserable in and so i suffered for 3 years. the grades in my final certificate suck and so no “good job” accepts me and tbh, you’ll think im a slob now, i gave up? Im registered somewhere that sends you mails of companies that are looking for employees, but i gave up? Im not even sending my application anymore but at the same time i feel incredibly guilty for that. And the worst part is, this has been going on for 2 years now. I left school in 2015 and have beenliving home, like literally home, for 2 years

what i mean with literally is… I never go out. I dont have friends lol i dont know what i did wrong in my life but ever since 1st grade i got bullied a lot. there was a girl and fate decided that we should be in one school, in one class, till the 9th grade. and because i’ve been bullied so early on in my life I had absolutely no confidence to speak up and the bullying continued until the 9th grade. she threatened to “kill me” once because I didnt want to play with during the break with her (Im pathethic because i still hung out with her in school because i didnt want to be alone. I did it once, stay away from them in breaks but i couldnt handle it and just went to the toilet to hide and cried silently until the break was over). I did talk with my parents about it near the end of the year and they immidiately went to my school to talk with the teacher and also went to her house to talk with her parents. But it continued in school lol. My teacher at least made sure that I wouldnt get paired up with her for any group activities though. For 10th grade, the class got seperated and I was for once lucky enough because I was smarter than her and so i got into the “advanced” class. Everything went super well in 10th grade. I actually had people i liked and felt comfortable with to talk more openly and the boys in my class treated me nicely, too. I wasnt just invisible for them. Its still one of my most favorite memories. But it only lasted for 1 year and after graduation we all seperated ways and I was alone again. (back then we didnt even have whatsapp and FB wasnt that popular so we couldnt keep contact) 11-13th grade was weird. like i said its not something i can do and i struggled a lot during the years. the class was again..very childish. (i was the oldest because after 10th grade, i took 1 year off because i was too late to apply to any school, then a year later i got accepted but realized i cant do it so i left again. I had to wait another year to apply to another school so..10th grade -> 2 years doing nothing -> 11 th grade again) But i got treated like im not there, again. the girls didnt like me for some reason even though we have never talked, i even think some of them were racist. But i could hear them talking about me in class and the boys did nothing to stop them (not that i really expected it but still..) and it kind of… hurt me in a weird way? Like my pride? I was the oldest in class and they still treated me like that, but actually I was disappointed in myself because i let it happen again? I was that old and still wasnt confident enough to speak up to myself and let them look down on me. I only had like 2 girls in class that i could talk to and that was it.

Now… thats 2 years ago, like i said. I want to get a job to at least do something with my life because i dont have anything else im good at (and no im not saying this for show, i mean it) but also because i dont have anything im passionate about, nothing i like and nothing that i can see myself doing? and so i thought getting paid would be best for me. But…. im not trying and i know that. im not trying anything to get into a job, im not going out to look for jobs, i cant talk to people i cant even make a phone call to ask something. And I know getting anxious for stuff like this is normal, but its not normal to not do anything for 2 years, especially at this age (Just because im an adult doesnt mean i have to be one, i know, but still there are expectations of myself that i fail to achieve and so i only disappoint myself further, does that make sense?) Like… all i do… is sleep, get up afternoon, sit on my laptop, eat dinner and sit on my laptop and then sleep again <— this has been going on for 2 years. from 2015 to beginning of 2016 i was kinda ok with it, i thought I still had time to figure things out, but mid 2016 it started messing with my mind. I realized how pathethic i actually am. I cant do anything to help my mom lol im “eating” her money (im not a bratty kid that wants expensive shit but it still feels WRONG to use my moms money at this age) and almost everyday I get the random confidence boost and motivation to actually do something tomorrow, to wake up before noon and try and call this or that company or go out personally… but… i dont. Even if i wake up early, I get the dark depressive thought of “Why? why should i do that now lol i havent done anything till now so why now? its already too late do you really think you can do something with your pathetic self?”

I dont have a drivers license… I want one. Its actually my first ever goal i have ever set in my life for the beginning of the year. The “new year new me” thing. I got the eye-test done while I had to a checkup, but even that is a month ago. For weeks i’ve been trying to go to the drivers school or call them to ask them questions but im so incredibly scared?? of what i dont know?? Of getting judged because I am dumb. I was born in this city but i have no idea which streets is where or what they’re called, i cant do math and so im scared of trying to calucate the distance between cars etc. Well im scared to call because im scared of phone-calls in general and because i know that I set it as my goal to GO there personally but on the website it says to please call them for questions, and so i didnt end up going because what if they’ll laugh at me and yada yada all those thoughs…

Also… this is very, very… personal.. that no one knows except my mom… and something thats making me cry whenever i look in the mirror. I… am really hairy. lol wow a tear just dropped onto my laptop oh god… ok so im hairy, yes. I have a hormone problems according to my gynecologist. The Testosterone is higher than the Estrogen, and so i have a literaly happy trail + all visible dark hair all around my stomach/chest. Of course my upperlip is dark too and very visible. for my face, i just wax it. but I cant possibly wax my whole torso.. i do take the pill with more estrogen in it, but its not helping. I’ve been to many doctors and even to hospitals but no one seems to care or help me.. they say the pill will help but its been years and it doesnt. I cant look at myself naked…. I never had a boyfriend, no first kiss, no boy was ever interested in me (yet… hopefully) but even if someone would be ??? enough to be interested in me.. I couldnt get naked in front of them.. im so ashamed of myself and my body as a female. And i know the talk of “Media is trying to give you the picture of what a female should look like, hairless thin etc etc. / The one that truly loves you will love you and your body for who and what you are) But the thing is… im not happy with it /myself/. I dont feel comfortable. If we go to a vacation with my family I cant wear a bikini like other girls even though I want to, i always have to get a bodysuit that will cover my stomach… To you or anyone else this may sound like im overreacting, telling me to "just shave it” but its not that easy and seriously no one can truly understand that doesnt have this kind of “extreme” hormone problem…

I dont even know why im sharing all of this with a “stranger on the internet” to be honest… i just want to get it off my chest, to let SOMEONE know how i really am? an adult that does nothing? and know it but again does nothing to change it? I know i might need help from a professional, but i dont want to and i dont have the courage or will to go to one.

Regarding the boyfriend and friends thing… yes… i have absolutely zero friends and thats also the reason im inside all day. I dont see a point in going out ? and thats also something that leads to… no boyfriend. because I dont go out (i dont mean like clubbing but just in general, like daytime) i cant meet anyone you know?

Also… you know what i realized after being on this earth for 22 years? I dont know if its because i never had any friends or experienced it, but i cant feel geniunely happy for someone? or be really proud of them?(im talking about people i have contact with. I AM geniuenly proud of BTS but thats another kind of proud) To my few fleeitng friends that i had, i still found something that annoyed me at one point but of course i never told them that or showed them that (because i think its normal to get annoyed with a friend at one point) but like.. i was never truly happy for them. I never truly loved them i think? Like i somehow in the end I felt selfish and was envious? And to realize that really hurts me now because I actually have no right to feel that way, i should be happy that a few people actually had a friendship with me (and i am happy for that but.. its not geniuene.. i dont know if i could explain it well or get across my point) I dont know… it feels weird..Its like im not capable of doing that. i wonder if i can love a boyfriend in the future

After reading all of this you might think I look like how i am and behave, too probably.. like a unhygienic bum or something, but tbh, im not even that bad looking. I have long hair, I straighten it, I dress nicely and put on perfume, I do my makeup and eyebrows to frame my face nicely and I actually do smile while talking to strangers because i want to leave a kind first impression..

I dont know why i divided all of these later on tbh.. i thought maybe it wouldnt hurt your eyes that much like this ;; I just rambled and shared so much of myself, im so sorry. Please dont be creeped out @ anyone who decides to read all of this ;; I guess I… feel at least a little bit better like I can breate a bit better now. I went completely mute 1 week ago, i just woke up and didnt feel like talking to anyone (anyone= my mom and bro. only people in my life) so i just.. sit silently in my room all day..I hope i can get out of this “mute” phase and at least talk and laugh with my mom again… my mom.. I cant imagine how it must feel like to see the own daughter fail at life this badly lol..

Anyway— I am extremly sorry for randomly coming into your “ask box” like this and making you read this.. if you’ll read this that is.. please dont feel obligated to reply to this if you dont want to.. But thank you..

Hello anon!Thank you for following me and im really glad my posts makes you smile!(i didn’t think anyone will go to my happy tag but :D)

Also you are not selfish in my eyes,you don’t have to be sorry and I’ll try my best while answering you~~

First of all,I do not think in any way that by the time you are 22/23 you must archive something,especially when that ‘something’ is a social construct.In some societies the ‘something’ means finding someone to marry before you are 25,in other it means ‘finishing uni and getting a successful job’,in some others it means to just be able to finish school.However,no matter the case,just because something is considered a norm,doesn’t mean that it corresponds to the reality.Just think how many people try to postpone their marriage,even in places where forming family is considered as the number priority.

 There are many things that fuel this type of thinking-that you must have some sort of significant achievement before a certain age-but instead of talking about the source of those,all i am going to say is that these words usually comes from people who are very stereotypically thinking without having a glimpse on what is going on in reality.Take for example,the job market(esp since you even mentioned it),people who are in their 40s-50s and go around shouting things like “but there are sooo many jobs!!you just need to try harder!!back in my day,i got my first serious job when i was 23!!”.Well...dear Robert...and every Robert who says things like that,apparently since you secured yourself a stable job from your 30s,you ‘kinda’ forgot to check how the things are today before saying things like this.The competitiveness is in job market is nowhere near the levels it was 20-30 years ago and this more or less applies to any country(i am telling you this as someone who studies this subject).

 Besides,let me tell you,again as someone who is in the academic field, I know so many people,and even some of my professors,who changed completely their degree in their late 30s-40s because they understood that the thing they studied in the first place was just ‘not their thing’.Like, real examples,my professor who teaches now history of european parties (he is his late 40s) had his first degree about computer sciences,my professor who teaches macroeconomics,was supposed to be a chemistry teacher(and both of them are A+ teachers now btw).

As for going specifically to the bullet points-i am going to mix them up a bit-but first of all congratulations on your certificate!You did it,you have one,and it that is that matters.As for the job situation:i don’t know if this company sends you specifically job emails that have to do with the field you studied,but if yes,I get why you don’t even open them.As you mentioned,you ended up not liking what you studied so having a job revolving around the same field is very pleasant to say the least.Also,again as someone who has studied the issue,have you considered going to some seminars?I mean I don’t know how if your economic situation allows you to consider this as an option,but I thought I’d let you know that even if your certificate doesn’t have the best grades or even if you don’t have a degree/certificate at all,there are some seminars (in most countries) at reasonable prices,especially considering how many doors they can open for you.

For example the other day I was thinking about starting some seminars on ‘how to be a professional secretary’.Im sorry idk how to say this more formally,but that was their main point:to teach you how to be a responsible,productive secretary,for any field really.I mean think about it:nowadays (at least in my country) those who get to work as secretaries are usually overqualified students who just got their degrees (e.g law one) but the thing is,even tho it may be really beneficial in some issues that will have to do with law issues,the general job of a secretary is law-unrelated.As a result,these freshly made lawyers sure can be great in solving law-related problems,but when it comes to making an organizational document in Excel for the company’s needs,they get lost,because they studied law,not how to use these programmes.What I mean here is,even if your grades aren’t high you can still be competitive in the job market,so don’t let those discourage you.

Moreover,I hope I didn’t scare you when I said in my second?third? paragraph about how competitive the employment market has become,because even when it is the way it is you can still get a competitive edge over others,by ‘building up’ your degree(if you want ofc).

I must also mention that i don’t know your field nor to which jobs you are referring to when calling them as ‘good jobs’,but in some positions having experience is way more valued than having a higher degree.This means that you almost unavoidably will have to start from a lower position (unfortunately).Like for example,if you want to become a cafe manager,at first you will need to work some time a waiter,then as a cashier and then lastly as a manager,ykwim?

And one last thing,which is kinda the complete opposite on my previous ‘tip’ is that there are more and more companies nowadays that want ‘baby minds’ aka workers who have zero experience in the field so they can ‘form’ easier their job behaviour according to the company’s policy.Generally,as someone who has been studying about this subject and also side eyeing job applications,I perfectly do understand that there is a difference between the theoretical part and the the actual reality,and the companies that follow the second or the third strategy may be very few,so I am not trying to make everything seems as through some pink glasses,but!!!! To give you a boost and help you gain some confidence,because frankly no matter the job/field it may come out as very important thing.I also do not want to make you feel you bad or guilty,overtly or covertly,about not having a job!!!!absolutely not!!!i just wanted to show you that IF you ever think about getting a job,not to get discouraged immediately at the thought of the overall grades and that there are some ways,besides the certificate(and even more which i didn’t elaborate on here),that can make you a qualified worker.

About you not going out..Hmm..First of all I am really sorry that you got bullied by that girl especially in such a young age,when kids should gain confidence while being with their classmates/friends.Also,from my point of view,you kinda grew addicted to her,even though your relationship was so toxic and when I say her I don’t mean specifically her as a ‘’’’’‘friend’’’’’’ but the temporary,superficial and even fake safety being with her provided you.Not because she was great as a person,but because when you were together I suppose she bullied less when you were together with her and you couldn’t make any more friends other than her,so that’s why you were,to put it simply trapped.I am glad it is over for you.And if it is not,if you still catch yourself thinking about her even now or think that people still may be like that to you,I’d suggest going back to your school days and wondering why she was like that,not because of sympathy reasons,but to try to do a ‘breakdown’ of her personality and her behaviour.Why?Because once you understand that,you may get why she wanted to badly for you to be her friend and I repeat,this is by no means a way to excuse her behaviour,but to realize that even the scariest monsters,are not so scary if you draw them bunny ears and put some pink blush on them(if my predictions are correct,this must be the fourth time you are wondering wtf I am talking about).WHAT I MEAN BY THAT:You mentioned that your parents talked to her parents,but the situation wouldn’t change much,if it wasn’t for your teacher’s intervention.What was their reaction like?Did they say anything specific to your parents?I do not know how much her behaviour has affected you and sorry if this is not very pleasant thing to recall,but what I am trying to show you here(if she did affect you)is that  that girl had her ‘reasons’ to act the way she did(unless there was/is some serious medical condition of hers) and not everyone has been though the same as she did so not everyone will/can treat you the way she did(again it does not serve as an excuse or should make your feelings less valid).

As for the girls in the 11th-13th grade,well...The only thing that comes to my mind is jealously.You didn’t say that it was girls AND the boys who talked about you,it was  specifically girls and keeping in mind that you didn’t know them before going to 11th grade(it’s not like the had grudges against you for something,they literally didn’t know you) and the fact that you were two years older aka ‘naturally’ stood out,it was their ‘duty’ to seems as superior.

Also,just a little tip which you can completely ignore ofc,but from personal experience,if anyone speaks about you,don’t try to correct them nor ‘stand up’ for yourself,put them in place etc,especially if it is a group of people and not just one person and I say this for several reasons.Firstly,one of the main reasons that these people talk badly about you,especially if they do it in front of you,is simply,your reaction.If you try to talk back to them them it is going to just fuel their motivation to talk about you even more.Even if you make a ‘valid’ point and say it to them,the chances are it won’t even reach what they call their brain and just laugh at you or even worse,try their physical strength on you...So what to do?Yes,you are right,you are about to hear the most cliche answer for those cases,to not care,or more specifically not give a f*ck about them and their words.Like it is really hard to offend/hurt someone when they don’t give a f*ck about you or your opinion(sorry if i sound too forward or harsh but i genuinely believe this).Besides,people will always talk about anything and anyone and anywhere,so what’s the point of caring about their words,unless they come from someone whose opinion you value?

*As a side note,I cannot not say how happy I actually am to hear how well you did in 10th grade,both academic-wise and relationship-wise (and it even continued in your 11th-13th grade)!(If you think that having only two friends in your last years of school was a very small number,ask yourself:you would like to be friends with anyone else from your class,besides those girls?Like the boys who did nothing?...I don’t think so…)Also,even if you are not talking with the friends you made anymore,that’s okay,because you still didn’t let your  past affect you back then,which is so, /so/ important,so please try keeping this in mind and cheer up on yourself for this!....And now that I think about it,I mean i don’t know if you considered this,but have you thought about messaging someone from school e.g. those two girls?Like do you have a facebook now?How about finding them there and having a light chat with them? (even if it’s been two years).

As for you wanting to get a job and not finding your passion..Well,to be honest I am very weak when it comes to this and honestly the only advice I can give you if trying out new things?You don’t necessary have to do them physically,esp since you mentioned sitting on your laptop for quite a big part of the day.Have you tried learning a new language?Reading a book?Also,if you feel guilty about not looking for a job,how about trying and helping your mom in a different way?Like with the house chores?For example,if she is planning on going to the market you can go with her and help with buying stuff/the shopping bags plus,you will go out a fraction more and maybe meet a new people/have some light conversation with them.This way,you will also beat the anxiety that bubbles up when you try to speak to people/making a phonecall,because again,I am sorry,I am not an expert in this area and the only,most productive way of overcoming this type of anxiety in my eyes is ‘by getting more of it until you get used to it’.By that I don’t mean of course that you should get used to anxiety attacks,ofc not,but start with small talks e.g. with the cashier or your mom’s friend you bumped into in  the shop,and even if your heart will race during the first conversations,after a while,I think you will get used to it,not the heart fastening,but having conversation with strangers and from there the anxiety may fade.

For when you get those sudden motivation rushes,and this goes for anything tbh,i have to say one thing:DONT trust your future self..because if you won’t do it today,you won’t do it tomorrow.Like it is definitely not just you,it is just that our future selves and way lazier than the today’s.And answering your question if “its already too late do you really think you can do something with your pathetic self?” NO!!!!!!Absolutely not,IT IS NOT TOO LATE AND YOU ARE NOT PATHETIC.You are literally 23 years old,you are literally /so/ young!!!Like if anything you are in the perfect age(maybe a little too young even) to get a job!!!Even if you haven’t had your first job yet,23 is still the perfect time to start..and the same goes for 24,25,29...59.I ‘can’ tell you that you can do ‘anything’ at any age,but that won’t be entirely true because money is usually what keeps people back,but if your dream,if your aspiration doesn’t really require huge money investment,then yes,you can do anything at any age and getting a job is one of them.I won’t lie to you it is probably going to get tough and hearing things like “this job requires experience’ or ‘we are looking for someone with the X,Y mark in the A,B subject’ may become a frequent thing but try to not give up if you ever to make some phone calls,but I promise you are going to find something,maybe after the 100 call,but I promise you will (if you want ofc).

Speaking of phone calls,well my friend,if you are scared of (let's put everything you mentioned under the same umbrella and call it)adult things..let me tell you a secret..THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO ADULT THAT HASN’T F*CKED UP or seemed more or less/dump by an office employee/a cashier etc.etc.We all have our first time for everything and being an adult requires lots of those.I am not telling you are going to get things messed up but I am telling you that if you do,that is okay,it is definitely not the end of the world and you 100% not the only who messes/messed up.Btw you are not dumb,esp for not knowing those things,I mean I didn’t even knew you have to calculate the distance between two cards to get a license…(wtf).You are not going to get judged for not knowing all those things,you are not a taxi driver and you are not obligated to know the road in your city(i mean,even they use a gps/ask the passenger for directions) and also there are approximately another 234987239 people who face the same problems/worries as you and the people working in the drivers school know and understand this,so everything is going to be 👍I believe in you!!!!Also a tip if you want for when making a phone call,if you are not sure of how it will go,get a piece of paper beforehand and write all the the things you’d like to ask/are curious about so you won’t forget anything and also during the actual call have a pen next to so you can immediately write down the information you get,so you won’t miss anything they say to you!(I hope this helps!!)

Another thing is that whether one’s gender may be,it still doesn’t mean they are going to a have ‘perfect’ body either and also something thatpeople hide is that this ‘problem’ is not as uncommon as we think it is?And let me tell you that boys also get worried about this issue (having too much leg hair etc.) so if you ever happen to like someone and they like you back,please don’t let this you hold back from showing your feelings.And if someone is an *sshole to you about it,like I said,the door is right there.Those who are worthy will stay.

Um,and btw since I also have the same thing as you(a little bit about the medical aspect) but have you done an ultrasound of your ovaries?Because I used to have a huge cyst and that’s why I couldn’t take the pill,it just simply wouldn’t work(i started taking it only a month ago since it..popped on it’s own).Another thing to check is your tryroid?It can as well cause a hormonal disbalance.Lastly,the pill itself may not be suitable for you,as there are so many of them that work in various ways. (please consider these next time you go to your doctor ;-;).

About you “being an adult who does nothing”,well the word ‘nothing’ itself may carry a different meaning for each person..Second of all,it doesn’t mean that the point where someone starts doing the ‘something’ is the same for everyone.For someone it is when they are 15,for others when they are 45.And just because someone starts later than the others,doesn’t mean their start is less valuable compared to others’.Everyone has their own pace.Also,you might not feel now life seeing a professional,but you may want  in a month or not at all,who knows.And that is also okay(tho i would still suggest mustering all the courage if you feel like this process it taking too long for you(NOT by comparing yourself to others but how it feels to YOU)  and visiting them at least once as a ‘check up’ if you want to call it ;-;)

About you staying at home all day..Well,i think some good ways to change it,if you want to ofc,is to,more or less the things i mentioned before like contacting one of your friends from school or attend a few events like book presentations,open courses,seminars.Like I am suggesting these things from my personal experience because 2 years ago I moved to a new place and practically knew no one,but by attending places like this,i got to meet a few new people who really helped me.Also,another thing that may motivates you to call faster the drivers school is,since the first few weeks focus on the theoretical parts of drivings(driving signs etc.),you are going to be in class aka with other people,prob around your age,so it may come as an opportunity to meet new people or even make new friends.

As for your realization that you cannot feel genuinely proud of someone,from my point of view it is what you said:if you don’t/haven’t experienced a feeling yourself it is really hard to reciprocate it and show it to others.One thing tho that I really want to mention is that the term ‘friend’ is really flexible.A friend may be someone you have been knowing for five years,greeting them everyday with a ‘good morning cutie’,sharing the same desk at school but still never sharing a deep emotional connection with them,so i really don’t think you should feel guilty about not loving the friends you made in school.Like your ‘obligation’ as a friend to them isn’t necessary to love them back to pieces,but be a good friend to them,which is a different thing?A good friend is someone who understands,respects,makes you laugh and I,or anyone else,can go on and on on those trails which appear according to personal taste/views,but if anyone ‘demands’ that you should love every friend you make,I am afraid I’ll have to argue with that.Besides,love in my eyes is too overrated anyways so…

Maybe you felt envious and selfish because after all,you weren’t /that/ close?If you imagine a scale like this:

You may have been closer to points A or B,rather than C,and that is okay.We are not supposed to form deep connections with everyone and that’s why there are so many different kinds of friendships.And I don’t think that you incapable of being genuinely happy/proud of someone-it is just you haven’t met that person yet- and I also do believe that you are,very capable of loving your future boyfriend.

After reading your message hhhhhh  no,i don’t think at all like you behave like an  unhygienic bum ah!!and please teach me how to smile,because i have naturally a resting bitch level 252 so i kinda…’naturally’ repel everyone?...oh well ,anyways,a thing I do think however,is not so much the lack of motivation,as much as lack of confidence?Like hon the way you described yourself will all your nice perfume and eyebrows ,aka more like a soft godness………I know how you it sucks being in that sort of ‘bubble’,the muted phrase,but really,the only way to get out of it in my eyes and also how i got out of it is a)kick the door open in your room and go back to your mom and bro 2)make something from the outer world ‘drag you in’ it constantly aka have some chores to do.Like again,for the drivers school:if you have classes every tuesday and thursday you ARE going to go to them because I know you can,and YOU also know that you CAN do it.Also,I don’t think your mom thinks of you as a failure,because moms are moms and a good mom’s role is to support their child no matter so please do not worry about the emotional aspect.

I am really wishing you the best and I hope you will be able to make those phone calls as you can and go out as soon as you feel like!I really must mention that maybe it won’t be as easy in the beginning and probably not everyone you meet is going to be polite,but i promise you are going to eventually meet nice people.And if you ever catch yourself thinking “why do this,there is no point” or “it’s too late for me to do the x thing” just remember that there IS a point and IT IS NEVER TOO LATE to start something new.Everyone got their ‘first time’s for everything.However,not everyone is doing it at the same time at the same time,so remember that.You can also get a little motivation imo from thinking about your mom and how even your little steps are going to make her and your brother happy.I hope this helps you💕

!!!!aslo a very useful and truthful (thanks to suga-honey-honey ;-;):i'm sorry to butt in on this, but i wanted to point out to anon that when you seemed to 'flourish' in 10th grade the things that were different were the surroundings and the people around you. don't think that there is something wrong with *you*. in 10th grade you were the same you, but you were surrounded by nice people and a positive environment. you can definitely recreate that. you have the potential, once 1 ball gets rolling the others will follow. you'll be okay <3

[11toe11-blog]

No autocorrect. e for stickie

“Thats such a good lesson. On patience” he says. After yanking out two of the sapota seeds he had to lovingly planted. Its sticking out of the mud, may be i should pushi it back inside, something is not right, let me pull it out and see whats going on he must have thought. And the two of the early earnets, reposnding to his watering dropped dead. Thats the garden as the zen master i suppose. 

The very change that we water and nourish, when it starts expressing, we wonder why it is not how it is supposed to be - familiar, buried deep in the soil and my role to keep watering. Or final, green and with a leaf on it. The inbetweens where its neither this or that, uncertain. I assume im a doing something wrong.

I notice that as a programme running when i am doing my body work. A sense that i am not paying attention where i should be paying attention. I notice the feeling and when it dissolves more attention is generally availble and flowing.

I am feeling like now. Oh! This is not what i wanted to start the post with. 

Its because R is around. Otherwise i would be more contemplative. I should have this, i should have that. I havent this, i havent that. 

And its not entirely just the whiner programme. Had i woken up early i would ahve had more quiet time. But for that i have to sleep early. 

Now that it is what it is, i didnt sleep early, i didnt wake up early, things arent going picture perfect, but they are not bad either. A chunck of the sticky can see that. Its sticking. Stuck like resin onto how it should have been. This is the  cant-let-it-go resin.  Can let anything go. Want to stick to everything and anything passing by.  Like an ocptopus with a million legs and holding on to everyhthing passing by and being pulled in infiinte direction.s 

Imagine if it suddenly lets go, what a whack it would get from all its legs combined recoil. 

Methi paratha. Would go very well with the garlic pickle he is making. 

Where is this

Where is that 

Incessant. Wont look. Cant see.

I havent been making sprouts for a while. Nor micro greens. 

I like the kichen counter to be clean. Spot less. A few 

You this. You that. 

A clean kitchen counter whre we can cook. 

Its a small counter and i need it clean. Right now its a clutter.

You this you that

This is like this This is like that

Where have i seen this play out in loop. My mother. R has turned into my mother this morning. R keeps turning into my mother. 

That when i hate him. Hate is strong. Intensely dislike. When he keeps driving home this point of how one is not doing what what one is supposed to be doing. That what and who one is,  isnt ideal. 

This was beginining to feel like a whiny pointless post with zero insight. 

And R calls up his mom to ask if she minds  onion in the kadala curry he is making. We are taking puttu and kadala over with us when we go to visit them today.  I would have thought it odd the affection he bestows on his mother. And early on when i met him, he wasnt so expressive with his affection towards his parents. A 54 year old man being being possibly moer affectionate with his mom that i am with mine. Is actually such a wonderful and beautiful thing. In my own conditioning, formed by acerbic relations between my mom and her mom-in-law and my father’s absence, that i never got a clear idea of my fathers relationship with his mother. What  do i mean by that? I suppose we form neural pathways of expectations based on what we are exposed to. Somewhere in my liberal hyper-independent idea of the free woman, modelled along the independent man,  was one who didnt need anyone. And so it seems strange, for the adult man to express his affection for his aged mother. He can take care of the financial and social obligations et al. But to express geniune affection outwardly. How unstoic. 

ANd how human. To actually accept and acknowlege ones need for this primary connection to the world. Than hide it in thick layers of indifference and independence as expression of masculinity. 

And somewhere, the articulation of the Oedipus complex lurks suspiciously, watching out for abnormality in everything and everyone. That if one thing that has been named and labelled, and its all just that. 

I know that its my own possessive tendencies and programming that assumes that every ounce of the adult male’s attention must be and must only be directed towards his “legal” mate.

Ah. There were are inching closer and notice the familiar subject in the horizon. Envy. 

Yesterday when R said he was intensely attracted to E at some point in the exercise which was to gaze into the eyes of another, a stranger or friend for 10 minutes, i felt the sensations. Bubbling that demanded more space. Didnt want touch. Words that came out first - was to reassert power. “I know, i sensed it then”. And its true, i am quite sensitivve and i may have sensed it then and it may have had its effects on the evening. Sure. 

But what was remarkable was how my viewing expereince of the film that E made, (and it was while watching the film that R made this statement) shifted ever so slightly. My neutral viewing and expereince of admiration shifted slowly and clearly towards disinterest and and veiled criticism. Basically, to put it simply, i found more faults with the film in the last half an hour after the greens than i did in the whole one hour before that. To the extent that i even found a scene dishonest and without integrity.

Now the question that i wont ever have a real answer to - is if the scene actually had elements that lacked a certain integrity and congruent with the position taken by the maker. And my envy allowed for a critical lens, or a wiping out of rose tinted admiration?

Or it was a discouloring and distrotion of the viewing experince, from the sensations expereinced?

I dont know. 

Maybe what i am trying to ask is - is there any use of this sensation or expereince of envy. Does it serve any purpose in the larger sense of things? Because everything does, no, if we go by the idea of interconnectedness. Even the weeds have uses, unknown to us.

The sensation is sure unpleasant. It immediately put a distance between me and R and even E. 

It created a distinct expereince of seperation. And with it came thoughts of security, or more like insecurity. Discrediting the other in someway as being weak. The need to claim, reclaim power. “ yea. When i have hung out with her husband, i was also quite intensely attracted to him”. 

And also raised aloud once again the nature of commitment. Between R and me thats an on going conversation. How does one arrive into a mature sensible relationship. 

Writing is slower today. I shared the blog link with 3 and a half people. And i know this will be read by someone other than me. Earlier there was no such thought at all. 

It is changing the tone of what is being written. At this point atleast.

__

“ Dil mein mere hai Dard-e-disco dard-e-disco” … keeps appearing in head at random moments. Like a tape was left on and the power kept coming on and off. The two lines become backdrops to the most incognruent thoughts. 

I go looking for the source. I dont find it. 

In the play - 

The character goes looking for the source of the song that fills the scene, and keeps looking and doesnt find it.

In another play, as ina thiriller , the song is the red color coating the pill. The memory that needs to placed into the slot to rewire the expereince of reality. Of joy. Or rights and wrongs. Of this one girl and hence of the collective. The logic is a lot  like inception. 

__

Ok. time to wrap. Dissatisfaction .

That the future gaze of another is coloring my expereince of perceiving and expressing. Maybe thats the distance between the master and the novice. The future gaze of another, for the master is also the future gaze of herself. The other not seperate from the self. And the novice rolls in the muck of otherness. 

Rolling nice long distances made by the idea of such a seperation. Making huge spaces. And feeling small. Pretending to be big and feeling small.

I have had more backspaces operating today than i have ever in the recents. 

Ok so envy makes some space and distance on one plane, while clingling like resin on another plane. Two opposite properties belonging to the same idea. Thats also another interpretation of duality.

HUnger hunger.

I go eat and make puttu.

I really hope i do my exercises in the evening. My knees need it. ANd not keep it off to the next morning - because only mornings are perfect. And if i cant do it in the morning i can nver do it, nonsense. 

Afternoon today mom starts stitchinging classes with me. 

We pulled out almost a hundred bed sheets from the trunk in the outhouse. Apparently, they are some 40-50 years old. Belonging to R’s grandmom. 

Quite timely that R opened the trunks. We intend to keep some sheets for us, and for people who visit and some for the stiching classes and send the rest to La. Maybe there will still be enough to generally give away. 

R and Rc are bantering int he kitching. Waiting for some sense of satisfactiong and lcarity i stick onto the word doc. Inspite of raging hunger and the smell and sight of mangoes. 

Ok thats it. Today is this. Just observe it. Guilts. Nothing to do. Just watch. 

_

I entered. I apologize if i pushed it. I have sense that i may have. Or treated it casually.

I ask for forgiveness. And i forgive. As a student would. 

I leave now. To return wiser tomorrow.