#we are the OPPOSITE of them

[giantkillerjack]

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

[plain-text version of this post can be found under the cut]

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

Plain-text version:

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

P.S. Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

[fungi-maestro]

Happy tdov to fat trans people. 🏳️‍⚧️ Biggest thing that helped me as a trans kid was seeing older fat trans people. There were a lot of really irritating "advice" posts going around early in my time on the internet with a lot of misinformation in them, but one that I constantly saw (in addition to people claiming you should wear your pants rediculously low or only wear button ups) were posts saying you had to lose weight to transition. Can confidently confirm that is completely untrue. 👍

[mumatsi]

THEY GOT UNDERTALE'D OH NO!

Left Ford AU belongs to that1_cr4ck (red_dude) on tiktok!

Live Cipher reaction

[slaygentford]

what kills me the absolute most is that he doesn’t even particularly like armand I cannot stop thinking about it. during every interaction 90% of him is like Jesus Christ this is tedious. and then he actually heeds Claudia for once and reflects on Armand’s sensitivity cuz he doesn’t trust it (manipulative little gremlin) and is like alright I have to take control of this situation because he mentioned the secret to me and to Claudia twice in like. Two days. and the worst thing is by 2022 they’re not even locked together in hatred they’re just kind of sleeping in the same bed sorry I’m just repeating the events of the episode now but he really said no in front of. The entire coven. he really can’t stand Armand quoting love poems. I can’t get over it. He didn’t commit to being Armand’s dom bc he particularly wanted to he did it because he’s in danger and needs to stop this from getting out of hand like it did last time (vintage lioncourt). like he knows that is a megalodon. situationship of the century. I lOvE yOu. I thought I would miss you fanonized mutual obsession but I was wrong. I wouldn’t change louis’ calculations and endurances and protection of Claudia for the world. ROMEO!

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

jin guangshan and lan qiren yaoi perhaps? since their shapes create a perfect balance?

Two old men perform worlds first successful 96.

[hater-era]

POV: It's June 6th

im pretty sure enjolras and grantaire were confused about how June 6th went down too (I mean suddenly they are ok again LMAO)

(rant in tags! again)

[butchvamp]

other people have already said it but it’s really soooo lame how Flat elgar’nan and ghilan’nain are. especially when you compare them to solas and mythal. elgar’nan was literally mythal’s husband, they had children together, surely he wasn’t just pure evil the entire time? why don’t we get to see any of their regrets in the literal regret prison that was originally intended for them? (because theyre just evil, of course!) why couldn’t what happened with the titans have been an unintended tragedy born from them just desiring bodies, unknowing that it would hurt and anger the titans, with those consequences spiraling into a brutal and bloody war between them… and then we could have actually seen more of what happened during this war, the impact it had on the titans and dwarves, and the desperation to end it that led to the death of the titans and solas’s regret and the eventual twisting of the evanuris into godhood… but nah. they’re just pure evil.

[spinetrick]

i really loved this scene lol

[alienssstufff]

New(ish) dr oc my kind and slightly offputting girl named Faith 😌

+Her and my horrible wretched son Usagi standin next to eachother and the characters I associate with them

[blackhholes]

teen wolf meme: [2/4] families -> the hales

Killing doesn't run in a family. Maybe it does in mine.

[0ddity]

I HATE EARTH, IT'S A HORRIBLE HOME! PEOPLE ARE STUPID AND CONFUSING!

[qpjianghu]

Li Lianhua + saying "I love you" without saying "I love you" (2/?)

Mysterious Lotus Casebook (2023)

[noirbunnydeluxe]

Day 23: Arguing.

"And you call me reckless?! HYPOCRITE, THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE-!!"

[bisexualdinahlance]

I'm gonna be real, I do think Tristan could be genuine in his feeling like hes "not going to be able to share" just based on how Max acted in this episode. Setting aside any potential Max/Tristan attraction, Max spent this whole episode being uncomfortable around Tristan, butting heads with him, and asserting his authority over him in a way we haven't seen since episode 1, if ever. (He dressed Tristan down in front of the Captain and called him Nurse Silva has he ever done that??)

Then Max gives his whole speech about being traditional, wanting one woman, and children, and about how they need to be able to maintain their dynamics and therefore their hierarchy. I think Tristan quite frankly lost some trust he had gained in Max in this episode. Trust that he would be listened to, trust that they could meet on the same level, trust that Max trusted him in return.

Not to mention Avery actively used to his attraction to her to get what she wanted lol. He floats the idea of them making a good duo after Max's rejection and she won't even consider it. Then she flirts with him just to get him to agree to talk to Max. It was funny but you could see even then he looked a little put out by it. There's nothing wrong with her wanting both and feeling like monogamy isn't for her, but I do think Tristan took that as "I am not and will never be enough for her" and that hit right in his emotional issues.

I think it genuinely is difficult for him to see how they could be in a balanced relationship atp (poly-v OR triad). In his eyes, Max not only doesn't want to try something "non traditional" but the threesome has also brought his power over Tristan to the forefront, causing a breakdown in trust. Avery has, unintentionally, kinda made it seem like she isn't concerned for Tristan's feelings and/or just doesn't care enough about him. It makes sense that Tristan feels like he's not going to be respected or considered in the relationship!

I also think it's significant that Avery keeps talking about fun and not putting a label on it and just... Never talks about the emotional side of it which makes sense for her prior commitment issues but is something that both Max and Tristan explicitly want.

This also isn't to say it couldn't work out between them lol, I'm still rooting for them to at least be a V (tho it's be a triad in my heart). I think that jealousy and insecurity is normal sometimes in polyamory at the beginning. The key is to communicate and they aren't... Really doing that yet lol.

[somerandomcockroach]

A large burning canvas could be seen in the distance.

The neat fingers, full of small dents from the friction of the sword handle, caught a small flame, which immediately went out from faint pressure.

There was silence, a living silence, one of those that strains with its sound. A warm wind heated his battered, but carefully polished armor.

"You want to say something"

"I want" Blurr answered, turning sharply to the dark silhouette behind him that was quietly watching him until now. He clenched his fist with a grinding sound, where the spark died out, and demonstratively opened it towards the darkness. "And this is how you are paid for making the world freer! This is what remains of your legacy, and you react as if it doesn’t concern you at all!"

"It does not concern me anymore" the figure answered him calmly.

"Shockwave, stop!"

"Is that an order?"

"It's a request” His angry expression made it clear that this request was an obligation. “I just don't recognize you for these few months." His hand shook slightly with anger. Black smoke seeped through the cracks in his armor.

"I don't recognize myself for even longer time." Blurr visibly trembled at these words, realizing where the dialogue was leading. Shockwave slowly approached, his long, deformed fingers, three times longer than one of Blurr's fingers, carefully reached out to his hand and wrapped his palms in his huge paws, kneeling down to be on the same level with him. "Blurr, I-"

Blurr turned his head away so as not to see one piercing, but such a swampy dim light of his terrifying eye, which had become more precious to him than his weekly knightly brigandage. "Shut up. It's too early, we haven't agreed on when exactly to do this"

The dull mass of metal, which was only a tangible casing, after some hope of catching at least a spark of doubt, only lowered its head heavily. The crackling of the fire continued to be heard around. The soot reached them, gifting them with at least some warm light among the shades of cold before dying. Realization, regret, reluctance were not reflected in the knight's optics. His armor, always proudly looking into the face of danger, now reflected only the cowardly lights of the fire from behind. Despite this, he did not remove his hand from the strong lock until the blades themselves parted. Shockwave disappeared. Disappeared as he had done for the past few months.

Blurr turned back to the burning wall. From afar were heard screams, squeals, grinding, clanking. The column of fire did not subside, as if it was fed by fuel from secret reserves. It had been burning like that for hours, as if to show the greatness of this building over others that would have left only a column of smoke long ago.

Shockwave's last school of dark magic was burning out, as was the will of its creator to live.

[feluka]

the sisyphean task of explaining egypt's military rule to foreigners every time something happens to a monument that's famous enough for the rest of the world to care about while we have to deal with this shit on a daily basis