#we are still kind of all in survival mode lol

[whentherewerebicycles]

I can already feel myself sometimes falling into the american parenting trap of worrying about whether I’m providing enough sensory stimuli to promote newborn brain development or whatever nonsense is all over instagram all the time. like oh I only read him one picture book and I forgot to show him his high-contrast flash cards today and I didn’t spend twenty minutes moving his limbs around & saying “that’s your HAND! that’s your NOSE! that’s your KNEE!” which my mom is always telling me I should do. like nothing wrong at all with valuing those types of interactions and making time for that if it’s important to you! but my baby gets tons of face time with different adults who spend a lot of time talking to him and interacting with him, and he gets to go lots of places with me and see stuff as I do my daily errands, and we go on walks outside so he can stare at Trees and Sky (his favorite things). I just really don’t want to get on the hamster wheel of feeling like I have to make my entire day center on specialized activities to promote my newborn’s development because that seems like the first step to getting on the hamster wheel of making your entire life center on specialized activities to enhance your child’s college applications or whatever. I want to really trust that giving him lots of loving interactions and integrating him into my daily life is good enough for his development at this stage and is ultimately going to be what’s best for both of us as a parent-child team now and in the long term.

[fortheloveofkonig]

Hello, hope you're having a good day/night

I was wondering if I could request the 141 x Male reader, they know alot of medical like they use their knowledge of the human body against anyone whom threatens them (or people the care about). They aren't a medic are doctor parday but have extensive knowledge of the field that helps the team. Seem cold uncaring and ruthless but if anyone of them is injured its like a total switch of 'mom bear mode' checking them over the gentle hands and worry.

(Kinda of trope of don't mess with the doctor lol)

Summary: TF 141 reacts to Reader who knows a frightening amount of medical knowledge.

Note: I'm going to do this as more of a headcanons type of post ^^ hope this is good enough! ^^ I did 95% of this all in the last 2 hours

Content: Medical speak, Injuries, Slight Torture, Slightly Bad Medical Research, But I Did Research. Roach Talks.

Word Count: 1085

TF 141 x Knowledgeable in Medic Field M! Reader

Ghost

Probably first heard about your knowledge from Soap talking to him about how terrifying it is to see it come into play

Doesn't believe him.

You've always been good at what you do but have never shown any previous knowledge or interest in the medical field so, who can blame him?

There was also no way you could've went to medical school unless you were years above your usual education range

He finally sees it come into play when you two were 'interrogating' someone.

"If you're gonna stab, don't do it right there. Price said he needs to stay alive."

Ghost looks at you, annoyed. "I've stabbed many people and seen many people survive stab wounds of surrounding areas."

"In lower places of the abdomen and with quicker medical care, if you do it there" You point to where he had the knife, pointed at the tied up man's skin. "It could puncture an intestine and we will be fucked. If you want to stab, move the knife below the belly button...about right... right there. Do not remove the knife once it pierces through."

He did as you said, with questions, but still followed your lead.

From then on he watched everything you did, even noticing that you took care of some of the rookies that ended up with minor cuts and damage that wasn't enough to bother the medics with.

Needless to say, he also ended up coming to you for some patch ups, mostly when he wanted to keep his new damage a secret from Price.

He ended up finding it kind of hot during the interrogation thing so he often asked to do things like that with you again.

Soap

Honestly, probably figured out about your medical knowledge after he was being a dumbass with explosives and almost got hurt.

"Go change into some shorts and a tank top." Your voice was in a serious tone as you went to grab a nearby first aid kit.

"Already wanting to see me strip?"

You just glared at him until he actually left and did what was told.

Despite having only a few scratches, you still cleaned them up as best as you could.

You also went on a rant about it too, about how dumb he was

"Do you realize how dumb you are? What if you actually made a big explosion and a piece of shrapnel flew and hit one of the carotid arteries in your neck?

"My What?"

"Do you realize how fast you would've died? Why weren't you wearing any protective gear?"

"I'm pretty bad at forgetting protection."

If looks could kill, he'd be dead.

That was not the last time you had to clean his wounds, he seems to be a magnet for them.

Asks you more about medical stuff, just to get an idea on how much you know.

You know a lot.

Unsure at this point if he hurts himself in new ways just to hear you yell at him for what dumb way he could've gotten himself killed this time.

Gaz

He falls out of helicopters a lot, that's the truth. What's one more time?

This time (and somehow not the last?) he ended up hurting his foot, you were there the whole time when it happened.

When the both of you were both safe in the safety of a van, you got him to put his leg up so you could check it.

"This is stupid" He mutters, "It's nothing more than it has been in the past."

"Shush, let me concentrate" You mutter feeling around his bootless ankle, nodding your head when you hear him hiss at a pointed touch.

"Any pain when you walk on it?"

"Possibly....yes."

"I'm gonna say it's a sprain for now but I think we should take you to the infirmary after we get back to base. Doesn't seem dislocated. Possible fracture though."

It was just a sprain

Was surprised when you spoke fluent...doctor to the doctor.

Honestly felt like a little kid in the doctor's office, watching his parent's converse with the Doctor telling them what was wrong.

Wouldn't have it any other way.

Price

Always knew, almost nothing gets by him unnoticed

Was probably one of the reasons he wanted you on the task force.

He knows how soap and gaz the boys are

Has you teaching rookies how to probably put a tourniquet on.

"What the fuck are you doing? That's not how I taught you."

The rookie you were speaking to just looked down at the dummy that they were working on and the tourniquet, "It looks-"

"Terrible! He's still bleeding out! Retry it."

Definitely has to sit in on these sessions, some rookies have complained to him that you take it too far.

You always just use the excuse that if those were real people and not training dummies, they'd be at fault for letting them die.

He agrees with you.

The rookie looks over at Price.

"Get to it. He told you to retry it. The man is bleeding out."

Mostly just sits in because it's less complaints now that he is showing he agrees with you in front of everyone.

Roach

This fucker needs a friend that has medical knowledge

Much like Soap, it seems like he is a wound magnet

Was probably the first of the 141 that you had to go full protective, medical knowledge out and work on him.

Man's like a tank too, no matter what the day brings to him it seems he's just able to walk it off

You don't let him

"You're limping, sit down."

He just waves it off, "'m good."

"Like hell you are." You walk up to him and grab his wrist, dragging him to a nearby chair and pushing him onto it. "Stay or I'll have Ghost lay on you."

Does not stay.

You cannot get Ghost to lay on him.

You just end up pelting pillows at him until he joins into a pillow fight, and you both end up getting exhausted.

"I'll rest right here."

"Good."

Stubborn but still okay with medical help

Often comes to you with oddly specific questions.

"Hypothetically, if a car blew up in the near vicinity of where I was at, what is the possible health issues that could arise?"

"Well, burn marks obviously, depending on the distance it could be any degree. If it was enough to knock you over, then a possible concussion. Depending if you hit the ground and hard enough, possible broken or fractured bones. Not to even mention the possible pieces of metal and glass flying, and just blast trauma in general. Could cause damage to internal organs with enough force."

"Okay, so...hypothetically, if that happened, I should go to the infirmary?"

"Roach, were you next to a car when it blew up?"

"..."

"Gary???"

You immediately dragged him to the infirmary.

[pansy-picnics]

A vat7k related question.

What do you think is Hugo's gender identity? Cus I want to hear what you think Hugo's gender is and the story behind it.

EHEHEHE personally i think she’s genderfluid and uses he/she/they pronouns…….I think he was kind of an uncracked egg up until the trials though. like, he’s been in survival mode for so long that he’s never had the time or luxury to really think about himself or his identity….i think he’s had a lot of different disguises over his career though, and those personas are either male or female depending on what the situation calls for so he’s not a stranger to dressing femininely either.

but yeah…i think for a long time hugo just identified as male by default cuz like…what else would he be LOL. if he had any doubts at all they weren’t significantly hindering him or anything so he just buried them with all the other of the emotions he doesn’t want to feel. but like the closet is made of GLASS and this becomes especially obvious when she teams up with 3 other teenagers who are also transgender so sometimes she’ll just Say Shit and they all turn around and look at her like “…….🤨”

i have this very vivid scene in my head where varian comes out to the gang as trans and hes clearly really uneasy abt it. and hugo doesn’t know what to say so he just tries to relate by saying the first thing that comes to mind and goes “oh yeah i get it i mean. sometimes i wish i was a girl but like not all the time yk” and nuru and varian both just stop and stare at him

hugo, getting nervous: …Sorry that’s probably not the same thing forget i said anything

nuru: No i think we should talk about this?

anyways yeah….other than her traveling party giving her some weird looks nothing actually really came of these conversations bc hugo would refuse to think about herself even if you put a gun to her head

fast forward to post-trials though, and hugo’s been living in the castle with varian for about six months…it was REALLY messy for both of them while she was adjusting, but at this point shes finally started to let her guard down a little, and all of a sudden she has SO much free time and she has no idea what to do with any of it. she’s stealing collecting things, tinkering with all kinds of useless little gadgets, rapunzel is teaching her tons of little arts and crafts projects. overall shes pretty content despite everything. So anyways then the gender crisis hits them like a fucking freight train

honestly i’m like half joking when i say i think it started bc they just kept forgetting to cut their hair. like one day they looked in the mirror and they’re like “wow my hairs getting so long i kinda look like a girl lol. Wait”

AND AS FUNNY AS IT IS ITS SO. WILDLY UNFAMILIAR TO THEM. like all of a sudden theyre SO insecure for as far as they can tell, NO reason and it drives them CRAZY. i dont even think that hugo dislikes their masculine features after coming out, i think they embrace them if anything but its just like…going from 0 to 100 so fast and suddenly being so hyper aware of themselves in a way that they NEVER were before…having to realize that they’re definitely Not cis. it’s fucking TERRIFYING!!!

not to mention it hits him all at once during a time when he’s still frankly really paranoid about him and varian’s relationship, and he’s kinda walking on eggshells bc deep down he’s convinced that var’s just gonna get tired of him eventually and kick him out. its like he’s just waiting for the final nail in the coffin despite the fact that there is literally no coffin.

All that being said i think it takes him a while to work up the courage to talk to varian about it. and he knows he won’t like. hate him for being trans or anything (I sure hope he wouldn’t, at least, seeing as he is literally also trans) but varian’s already done SO much for him and helped him through literally everything already….he doesn’t want to burden him any more than he already has. he also cant comprehend that someone can just Like him, like, as a person, so he’s convinced himself that varian must see something specific in him right now and he’s afraid that if he changes himself drastically in any way then whatever varian saw in him just. won’t be there anymore. If that makes sense

as for who he actually goes to first- honestly i think it’d have to be lance. at least in my head lance was the first person hugo really started to bond with aside from varian….he didn’t start letting his guard down with rapunzel until quite a while after that. also i think he’s worried that if he tells rapunzel she’d end up accidentally spilling something to varian (which is like. Valid bc she’s a horrible liar) he’d definitely write a letter to nuru, too, but nuru is also in another kingdom, and that message takes a while to get to her, so it’s more something they talk about after the fact

when he finally does get a letter back after dumping this revelation on her it’s just like

“dearest hugo. upon reading your letter i desperately wanted to tell you that i told you so, but i realize that would be in poor taste, seeing as you are clearly struggling right now. Moreover,-“ /j

regardless of who she tells first, they obviously all support her and encourage her to talk to varian as well…And ofc varian hypes her up to no end when she finally does. i wanna say it’s a sweet emotional scene but i feel like varian was also under the assumption that she figured out the gender thing like a year ago /j

hugo: ,,,,so like. i don’t think i’m a guy

varian: . yeah?

hugo:

hugo: TFYM “YEAH”?????!!!!???

varian: D. DID WE NOT ALREADY KNOW THIS?

hugo: ,???? NO???!!???!

jokes aside though as soon as hugo does decide he wants to explore his presentation more varian immediately consults rapunzel who gets WAY too excited about it and it kind of scares hugo a little bit. /j like Do you want to cut your hair? Dye it? Do you want new piercings? TATTOOS????

they eventually just settle on getting her a few new pieces to add to her wardrobe and that works out fine. varian sees his girlfriend in a dress and loses his mind etc etc. All is right in the world

[ficfield]

"Retail Recon"

Request: Ooh okay! I had an idea for a request, if you’re up for it of course! So: Imagine Chris with a partner who doesn’t like shopping because they find it tiring, but he wants to get her something nice, so he drags her along and they have a good time. I just think it could be cute and funny lol.

Chris Redfield x Reader Set before the Mansion Incident (Resident Evil 1), during Chris’s early days with S.T.A.R.S.

Enjoy my lovelies

If someone told you you’d spend your Saturday being dragged through the Raccoon City Mall by Chris Redfield of all people, you might’ve laughed. But here you are. And Chris looks… thrilled.

“I still don’t get it,” you grumble as he tugs you along by the hand, his grip warm and steady. “You hate crowds almost as much as I hate shopping.”

“I don’t hate crowds,” he argues, flashing you that easy-going grin. “I just… prefer crowds that aren’t standing between me and an exit.”

You give him a side-eye, but he’s not wrong. You’ve seen him in “protective mode” enough times to know he’s probably already mapped out every store’s escape routes. Even here, off-duty, in jeans and his worn leather jacket, Chris is still Chris.

The two of you had gotten breakfast earlier, planning a lazy day, maybe a movie, maybe just hanging around his apartment. You should’ve known something was up when he mentioned “swinging by” the mall. You narrow your eyes. No one just swings by the mall with Chris Redfield.

“C’mon,” he says now, giving your hand a gentle tug. “I want to get you something.”

You raise a brow. “For what?”

“Do I need a reason?”

“Yes.”

Chris laughs, low and warm. “Alright, how about this? You’ve put up with me working late all week, running drills with S.T.A.R.S., and bailing on dinner Tuesday because Wesker made us stay late. Least I can do is spoil you a little.”

You sigh but let him pull you into one of those jewellery stores with the fancy glass counters. You hover awkwardly near the entrance while Chris immediately zeroes in on a case of bracelets. It’s kind of funny, watching him squint at delicate jewellery like he’s trying to dismantle a bomb.

As you drift closer, he glances up. “See anything you like?”

You hesitate. You’re not really a jewellery person, but there’s a bracelet tucked off to the side. Simple. Silver. Something you could see yourself wearing every day. Chris follows your gaze and smiles.

“Try it on,” he says.

You roll your eyes but do it anyway. The sales associate is quick to help, slipping it onto your wrist. It fits like it was made for you. Chris’s eyes soften, and he gives a little nod. “That one.”

You’re about to protest when his phone buzzes. He glances at it, chuckling. “Jill. She’s stuck doing inventory at the precinct. Says we owe her lunch for not dragging her along.”

You smile faintly. “Should’ve told her it was your idea.”

“I did,” he says. “She didn’t believe me.”

A little while later, you’re both sitting in the food court, coffees in hand, Chris’s free arm slung casually across the back of your chair. You’re wearing the bracelet now, he wouldn’t hear otherwise, and his smugness about it is almost endearing. Almost.

“You know,” you say, tapping your straw against his cup, “you’re not bad at this boyfriend thing.”

Chris raises an eyebrow. “Not bad? I’ll take it.”

The rest of the afternoon slips by easier than you expected. Barry had tipped Chris off to a bookstore his wife liked, so you end up there for a while. Chris finds a few survival manuals that make him geek out, and you catch him slipping a novel you’d been eyeing into his stack when he thinks you’re not looking.

By the time you head out into the evening sun, Chris is carrying half the bags, smiling like this has been his best day in weeks. And maybe, you think, it has.

You squeeze his hand as you walk, and he glances down at you, surprise flashing in his eyes for just a second before he gives you one of those soft, private smiles.

“You ever think we’d get a day like this?” you ask quietly.

He hums. “Hope so.” Then, after a pause: “Maybe we’ll get more.”

For now, you hold onto that.

[sandraharissa]

After thinking about it a little here’s some of my predictions/thoughts about Jinx in s2:

1) Her and Sevika are deeply involved with the fighting/revolution efforts and maintain stuff like how Silco left them, but after reaching whatever outcome (likely they’ll successfully earn independence) both of them peace out, they have no interest in this kind of politics and after managing the chembarons for some time and getting rid of the ones that caused trouble they’ll reach some sort of equilibrium where the chembarons when left alone will largely just mind their business and continue getting rich and controlling their territories (with there not being any ‘bigger fish’ to take over so nobody ever succeeds Silco’s role). In that way we’d reach the status quo we see in Zaun in LoL.

2)

The whole time she might look and be like this. Possibly going on feral like this for months on end. That’d really convey the state she’s in. For her to be in this paranoid/feral/survival mode cos she destroyed everything dear to her and Vi is hunting her. I imagine her looking like this even in more casual interactions with Sevika. Consumed by rage and revenge and hatred and throwing herself all into the revolutionary efforts to cope with grief for Silco and the whole situation with Vi. Especially now that it’s obvious that she’s working with enforcers, including Cait, to catch her and nothing else, the thing Jinx was worried was happening in s1.

That’d also potentially be interesting to see the contrast between how she’s perceived (the mural) and how she actually is in real life. The symbol of hope vs feral rabbit.

3)

She does this thing again that she tried in the finale. Idk if at this point she’s at all hoping for reconciliation, likely not. But she still wants so badly for Vi to understand her so she adorned the walls with the most impactful moments of her life and how they pertain to Vi. One last attempt to make Vi understand. That maybe after Vi sees a highlight reel of Jinx’s life she’ll put it all together and see it how Jinx sees it.

[badendinggamer]

PART 2 of this sprunki next au thing (wtf am i doing with my life?)

Part 1 here

Anyways disclaimers as always descriptions of the deaths of these guys

As well as the fact that I mainly make these fankids based on who I want to design and not really much on the ship (aside from darkcult)

ANYWAYS

ROCKY

(Grey and wenda child)

Category- Effects- idk

Age: 19

Another divorce kid- I need to stop

So Rocky was raised along side Glinda as siblings, eventually grey and wenda split off due to the fact they had different parental ways and disagreed a lot. With Rocky the divorce didn't affect him as he never liked glinda who was clingy to him. He is friends with ace as they bond over there sibling issues ...and then Corvus came along to bond as well.

He sometimes plays guitar and likes to make music with ace tho aside from that he is a loner coyote

In horror mode echo basically puts him in a battle to the death with glinda. Glinda was hesitant but rocky was determined to live and ended up killing glinda as a result. No remorse.

.....also there the ones who killed Jane, him and Jane were trying to get supplies, Jane got to it first but rocky in the determination to survive killed her.

GLINDA

(Wenda and Vinera Child)

Category- beats- idk

Age: 23

Glinda ended up being raised by wenda of course and they are kinda naive(and annoying as rocky puts it). There more of an animal and outdoors person. They would probably also wear shorts in winter ngl. She is also Jane's girlfriend! (Complicated slightly doomed Yuri has entered the chat)

I kinda already said horror mode for them but basically how they die, they get beaten to death with bugs eaten up there body-

LILY

(Vinera x OWAKCX child)

Category- beats- idk

Age: 22

Honestly she's probably everything you'd expect, gardener, stoner, chill, born from a plant- (tbh that is still a mystery to why and how)

She is siblings with Pickle and she takes care of him a lot. .....but she does kinda hate ace cause of some mysterious accident he did.

In horror mode she becomes abnormal like an infectious and danger plant growing inside her

ZINC

(Clurk x Garold Child)

Category- effects (idk yet)

Age: 27

(I honestly didn't know if I wanted to give them a Child so I did....and i made them non-binary lol)

An inventory just like there parents! They do like th expirement and get more scientific. They have expiremented with magic, specifically time magic. Tho they ended up giving up on it once there work went down the drain once there first and only successful time device went missing one day. That isn't to say they won't try again, but it's still a mystery on who took it.

In horror mode they survive and are more so focused on building that time machine back to stop this from happening....they arr probably also in a bunker or turned there lab into one.

MS.MOON

(Mr.Sun's sister)

Category- Melody- violin

Age: ???

Tbh I have nothing to say ....they exist lol (they might also get a redesign tbh)

I guess that they tend to watch over and protect the sprunkis during the night especially after the first....incident that there brother had to deal with

In horror mode there abnormal as well. Forced to watch the chaos happen once more....

SKY

(Adult/aged up)

Category- Effects (lullaby) (the same)

Age: 30's???

To make it clear he is only aged up cause of well this is an au (kinda like a future au)

After the aftermath of the first horror mode, sky was the most scarred from the events (because we was fucking 14 YEARS OLD) out of all the sprunkis. This lead him to become a police officer (probably along side tunner) to help protect people and make some kind of difference even if it's small. His eye is damaged cause of the aftermath of horromode so yeah (the white marks were meant to be scars but idk anymore) he does have a police hat i just didn't feel like drawing for some reason maybe later.

He is very weary of black especially after what he did. . . . Unfortunately he failed to pay attention to his kids

In horror mode .....he has played these games before, he survives with some scars and is trying to help others survive as best he can and find the source of this madness to hopefully stop it once and for all........so basically his mission is to make sure Echo STAYS DEAD- (well he doesn't know echo is responsible but still)

QUINN

(???)

Category- Vocals

Age: 30's???

I'm gonna be honest....I was running out of characters and I didn't want to do every single ship (especially cause of lore implications) so yeah sky gets a friend

This is Quinn, in the present time they would be 15 years old soo there only a year older than sky. They work as a caretaker as daycare and orphanages and acts as Sky's great friend to be around....and is also the one managing his stress and making sure sky doesn't just lose it (also the blue mark on there face is just a birth mark)

In horror mode they are killed (haven't decided how yet) and are the second to die (the first being ronny) there body was found by sky which is when sky is made aware horror mode is back for another round....and also the fact that the sky is fucked up, the moon and sun went weird ect ect

BONUS/EXTRA:

FRANKLIN

(Oc- HEHEHEHEHE)

Category- Melody

Age: 17

LISTEN .....I CAN DO WHAT I WANT OK

Anyways Frankie isn't part of the lore much tbh. And that's cause they don't grow up in the sprunki island YUP ITS TIME FOR THAT CROSS OVER LORE

So as a baby (image on the right) the bad end organization took them for expirements. They were fine and then they grew up to be fucker up (left image) and got adopted by Tempest. Curious they wanted to visit there supposed place of origin. They made 2 visits one when echo was alive and another when horror mode started

I should note tempest and Frankie live in underland city and just to high you a hint on how life is like there.....when frank saw horror mode staring, that shit is tame compared to the living conditions back home. Only problem for him is that echo put a barrier around meaning he's stuck so he kinda just chills and walks around like nothing till his vacation can be over. Plus he is on good turns with echo.

FINALLY ITS DONE

I might do some bonus/extra characters if I feel like it tho they might just be ocs or Easter eggs or maybe other ships kids (expect a black x tunner fan kid)

Reguardless we got the main cast and now I don't know what to do with all this lore ....eh I'll figure it out

I'll probably draw there horror modes and there full body versions later but for now it's done

[aizawashuichi]

If you still have it (and I know you do, you're not me, to delete things and regret later lol) please please post again that detailed presentation of wammy's layout and structure, please...

My greatest piece, so I can't delete it even under torture lmao. Since it was an ask, I included that part too.

Anonymous: Salutations. First off; I would like to thank you for humoring my questions, by far. Having been in the fandom (Death Note) for quite a while can be daunting at times considering how persistent everyone is on certain views that, more often than not, contradicts the canon itself, though I do not mind the originality. Some of the questions you might remember answering from me would be; 1. How unfair it is for everyone in this fandom to go full autobiography mode on Light Yagami but wrote a piss poor characterisation of other characters. 2. L would not enjoy fighting for Justice under Light's idea There might be more, but these two are the ones that I remember writing and asking. I rather enjoy reading your point of views. Being an avid Lawlight shipper myself (which you might found dissapointing, and for that, I apologise) I found it rather... boring that most, if not all, were very insistent that L would join Light's side if given the opportunity while writing him very, very poorly. I enjoy these two through the energy they emitted while actively going against each other. Not when they shook hands and went about it all the same like a carousel ride. Second: What is your opinion on the whole Wammy's House organisation debacle? On A and B? The whole Successor Programme? I don't like it. Having being nurtured the same as these children does, I absolutely resented it. Partly because of how harmful the product of the whole environment, largely because of how it reflects the morale ground Quillsh Wammy stood and what he believes in. I despise men in suits, even more so than people in orange jumpers or stripped, black and white outfit. (Call me E.H. I would like for us to be friends. Mutuals.)

Please, E. H., I would be honoured to be mutuals, but how could you betray me like this? Mid-message? Dropping a bomb of that size on me and my blog?

Seriously, though, I would like that. I will overlook this little flaw of yours, because not everyone can be perfect, and I will accept you with open arms.

Okay. Really dropping the act this time. You don’t have to apologies for shipping them, even though I suppose it was more ironic than anything. I already have mutuals that are like you. I filtered out the various tags concerning L/Light – there are a lot of variations –, and I am fine.

I will survive if I add one more… Hopefully — but I think, in this case, it is more of a “probably”, because you do seem to share some of my views on the whole manga/anime and that means we have some common ground, even though I believe that is not that difficult.

I am really glad you like reading my long-ass posts, because I do enjoy writing it. I actually was waiting for some kind of feedback from you, because, truthfully, I wasn’t sure if your opinions were supposed to be just published without any input from me or if you actually wanted me to say something.

I was both confused (didn’t understand why you decided specifically my blog, since it’s not that well know) and delighted by them.

In any case, I am happy to see this message, especially the last part. You are the first person on here who explicitly stated the wish for my friendship. I didn’t expect that at all. I’ve been told that I seem intimidating, and I still don’t get why, so seeing that someone isn’t put off by this, it’s a nice feeling.

I will now get to your questions, and the post is going to be long, because it’s on a topic that I am actually working on and wanted to do a post of my own, but felt like, “why would people care?”, so I am glad that you do.

PREMISE

I need to make a premise before, because I feel like this is relevant to understanding my opinion.

I would love to kick myself in the face every time I happen to mention it (even though I do so to help my motivation), because it seems that I bring it up so many times and it’s making me annoyed, like, “can this bitch (me) just shut the fuck up already?”. However, it’s important in this context.

I am writing a fanfiction about the Wammy’s House, during L’s years there. And, since I am doing this, my idea of the Wammy’s House is crafted in a way that can make my story work, but I do realize this, so I will try to eliminate all my OCs’ stuff (I think I’ll mention them), even though I still believe that some roles or events I have created can be considered plausible (not canon, of course), because they help explain some things that I noticed about L while reading the manga.

Another thing is that this is a work in progress and while I have an outline for the plot, a lot of things about the Wammy’s are still not definitive. So, everything I say is not set in stone. [This question also made me realise that I made a huge error when it comes to the timeline of my fanfic, which screwed up half of the outline, but thank you, I guess.]

Other than this, Ohba left a wide-open door for any interpretation of Watari and the Wammy’s, because he didn’t think too much about them. He just wrote them in for plot purposes and never developed them properly, so anything goes, theoretically, so maybe I will be a bit more lenient on both. I don’t deny the possibility of them being pretty fucked up, because I cannot say that what I think is completely backed by canon. To each their own, but since you have experienced a similar environment, I had to preface this, because my view on it doesn’t adhere to the reality of some of these institutions, and I don’t want you to believe that I’m oblivious to the real-life problems that occur.

I think I took more liberty here, because I had few things to start from, and I’m really fond of the idea that the people (Roger and Watari too) at the Wammy’s were like a family, with its ups and downs (more downs than ups – even in my fic, so I realise that not everything is all peaches and cream). It’s just the wishful thinking of my younger self that so desperately wanted to be part of that world, and I have a hard time getting rid of it.

I must also say that most of my choices regarding the Wammy’s structure and organisation is based on “gut feeling”/intuition. More often than not, I feel if something is right or wrong, even though I can’t pinpoint exactly what’s the reason for that. I just have the impression that something must be in a certain way, and if I don’t comply to this, it just feels uncomfortable until I fix it.

WATARI & ROGER

I want to start from them to explain exactly what I think of these two, particularly their past and what led them to create the Wammy’s.

Reference to another post I wrote – headcanons about Roger – but you needn’t to read it, since I am going to repeat it here, and it talks more about their relationship than the Wammy’s.

In my mind, Watari was both a professor and an inventor. The professor job needed to provide for him before his inventions took off and gave him enough money to live comfortably for the rest of his life, since it seems that he was quite rich, even before L gained something.

So, together with Roger, who was his assistant, he was in close contact with different types of students and noticed the disparity between those who can study and have the resources and those who don’t have them but have the abilities to continue. Of course, they couldn’t intervene in the private business of these people. Instead, they discussed knowledge, intelligence, and the social economic situation of England (and later around the world) that didn’t allow young kids, especially orphans, to develop themselves and their abilities, since they didn’t have the means.

Not trusting the state institutions with their money, they decided to take matters into their own hands and had in mind to create an orphanage that had an internal school, so they can provide them resources and knowledge, without making them sacrifice any of those.

But then a dilemma appeared: “what if some kids can learn faster than others and we end up slowing them down?”

[learn faster than others – because “prodigy” doesn’t mean anything when it comes to orphans that don’t have resources or any help from adults.]

And from that dilemma, the Wammy’s House was born. It was a specific type of the institution they had in mind, which was meant for those who seemed more capable than others.

It’s said that Watari owns different orphanages, but they are not talked about like the Wammy’s, so it’s safe to assume the main difference is this one – what kind of kids are there and what they learn.

About Roger, I honestly think that the “he hates kids” was added to have some sort of comedic effect. However, if it was meant to be taken seriously, and I do consider it canon, there are two reasons to me:

He began to hate them, as he continued to work at the Wammy’s, because they pulled pranks on him. He’s not fierce – shown to us by how he responded to Mello grabbing him and how he stopped Mello from bothering another kid. He is quite passive and not confrontational, so I believe he was an easy target for the kids, and he grew to despise their behaviour and to be quite afraid of them in a way, because, while he tried to stop Mello, his attempt was shallow. I don’t think this is because he didn’t care, but because Mello was angry at him, and his explosive nature made him wary.

Romantic reason: the kids, and especially L, took Watari from him – before and after his death. Watari was too occupied with his work that he almost forgot what he and Roger had. That obviously pained Roger and he began to resent the situation and those who stole him and his attention. That would explain why their relationship grew cold, because we don’t see Roger communicate with Watari once, so it means that something happened that drove them apart – aka these kids got in between.

No matter what the reason is, Roger tries to be emotionally distant from them. I have this trope that I associate with him of the grumpy old man having to deal with a kid because of circumstances he cannot control, and he grows attached to them, wanting to protect them at best of his abilities. But this is my wishful thinking, but I believe he has those moments in which he thinks, “maybe they are not that bad”, and they then do something that makes him annoyed, and he’s like, “never mind”.

Watari is emotionally not present too, not because he doesn’t want to be involved, but because he is still an inventor before becoming L’s right hand indefinitely and full-time, so he has to fulfil that role and be involved in that community to promote his stuff, to develop it, and etc. Also, the Wammy’s and the other orphanages are relatively new in my opinion, because he first established them when he’s around 40-45, so a few years before L was born, and he has to make sure they all work as he wants to, and he has to make connections so he can find these kids to bring to the Wammy’s. So, he has a lot on his plate.

WAMMY’S HOUSE

Location

I have actually thought about this for a long time, and even wrote a post (after I finished this section, I noticed that I was repeating word for word what I had put here, so please, consider reading it for all the reasons).

Littleton, in the north-west part of Winchester.

I know I’m kind of going the extra mile by doing this, but I’ve always dne it for every structure I had to write something about, so the Wammy’s gets a real-life location too.

The actual true reason for which I chose this location is because it’s near big fields, and I needed that for plot purposes, but even without considering that, it seems to fit what we know about L’s life there.

He played tennis – there’s a tennis court 20 minutes by foot from there. Relevant that it’s by foot, because I imagined that Watari couldn’t constantly leave the Wammy’s with L for long periods of time and multiple times a week. He had other affairs to attend to, aside from his responsibility at the Wammy’s. In my mind, during L’s time there, Watari was still working on his inventions, which meant he had to attend meetings and conventions and whatnot.

A’s suicide – there’s a church where he can be buried. It can be reached by foot, so the kids could attend his funeral. I also have a morbid headcanon that B took his body from his grave. I also liked to tie the church to L hearing bells before he dies, so this closeness would make it possible for everyone inside the Wammy’s to hear them.

Big space – because the Wammy’s seems to be pretty big by the manga panels we have, and I have a specific idea of how it’s structured, both its exterior and interior, so it was necessary to have many hectares available.

Structure (New floor plans)

I made floor plans. I started this a while ago and never actually completed it, because the site I was using was infuriating, but I found an app, and managed to copy what I had done in the other one. I forgot to change the names of the rooms, because I created this to help me visualise the setting of my fic, so ignore them for now (I will point out some names there, just to explain one thing).

It’s not definitive, because I still don’t understand where I should put their stairs – or if to put them, ‘cause based on Mello and L’s egos, they already think so highly of themselves that I don’t think they need a staircase to reach the first floor.

In my fic, I didn’t explicitly state where they are supposed to be. I’m letting the readers figure that one out for me, while I just stick to say if they go down or up them. The main problem is not if they should face or not the entrance, because they have to, but where the hell are on the first floor? My gut feeling keeps making me imagine them next to Lex’s room, but that doesn’t make sense and would be pretty ugly on the ground floor – they would be too close to the entrance, and I hate it. So, I’m just going to ignore it, until it becomes a problem, which I doubt because I’m the one writing this, and nobody is going to police every single detail.

[EDIT 2025: fixed it. They are a pair of stairs with landing halfway that merge from there in one staircase.]

The two unnamed bedrooms on the ground floor are for people that work there (cooks, cleaning people or the nurse) that can’t go home for reasons.

In my fic, one of the rooms is always vacant, because I imagine that the employees are near the Wammy’s, so they don’t need to stay there, and it became a storage closet, with all of things – costumes and decorations for all kinds.

It’s a pretty big institution. The size of the rooms might not give that away, but it’s big. It has high ceilings, and the classrooms and bedrooms are longer than wider, but they are still very spacious. When I write and imagine it, even it’s from the perspective of small children, I envision everything to be comfortable even for older kids.

I couldn’t add everything I think it has, so I’ll just list them:

A small football field on the left with two benches, so the kids can rest.

Some big trees next the corners of the garden and some bushes here and there.

A stone path from the main entrance to the gate.

A shed on the right, with all the gardening tools.

The interior might not coincide with the way it was portrayed in the manga panels, but I like to imagine that after A’s death and L’s parting, things got restructured and the internal organisation changed.

Internal organisation - from the year it was founded to 1993, so even during L’s years there.

I placed L’s arrival in 1988, when he’s about to turn 9, because L is shown to us to be in relatively light clothing in the one-shot “L: The Wammy’s House”, so it can’t be after 31st October. Winchester usually has a high of 11° and a low of 4° in November, and 8° and 2° in December, so I don’t see why he would be dressed up like that.

And 1993, because he says to Light that he has been in England for 5 years, which also means that he is not from there. I headcanon him to be born in Scotland, because it’s hilarious to think he has a Scottish accent that he hides. – “Bang! if Ah was kira, yoo'd be deid.” | “Looks loch someain drapped thes ceel phain in th' crowd earlier.” and so on. It’s so funny. And also, it kind of makes sense why he wasn’t in England before and why he knows standard English. He could also be from Northern Ireland, but he gives me Scottish vibes.

1993 is also the year in which I place A’s death. I don’t follow the timeline from Another Note, because I cannot imagine A and B being younger than L. I’ll talk about this later.

ENTRY

The first requisite for the kids to be brought to the Wammy’s is to show that they are more able than others (as in “able to learn to a faster speed”), and they usually are kids that were in another orphanage already. Watari managed to have a wide social network and, to me, he’s called by the people in charge of that institution (that could his, like he just owns it and is contact with the ones who take care of it) when they realise a kid’s ability. For this reason, rarely there are kids who are very young, and I put that the second requisite is that they have to be at least 5 years old, because the school inside it goes only from elementary school to high school.

Only in exceptional circumstances, the Wammy’s House takes on young kids, e.g., if they were in danger and the Wammy’s was the closest place where they could stay. However, after everything is settled (a matter of a few days), they are transferred to other orphanages administrated by Watari if they are that young. They still can come back, when they are older, but it’s a lot more work to look after toddlers or pre-schoolers.

After passing the entry exam, all the kids have their own personal folders with all their existing documents – birth certificate, medical records, etc. – that will be given back to them once they leave the Wammy’s House.

While the whole letter system became a thing when L appeared, the kids still have to choose their alias, because some of them surely have a troubled past and choosing a new name is a fresh start, as if the bad things that happened to them can’t reach them anymore inside those walls. Since making only some choose it would make them stand out, it was implemented as a general rule.

ENTRY EXAM

To enter the Wammy’s House, you need to take a test. Since every one of the kids that are sent here is with the idea that they are more able, the admission rate is 100%.

The exam covers different abilities: raging from knowledge the orphan should possess for their age to difficult stuff (this knowledge is chosen based on the national curriculum for students up to 18 years old), and it includes other scopes (e.g., musical, artistic, etc. – to understand if they have an inclination to something or if they are interested in that).

There is also a social part. Since they live into a community, it’s good to understand how to live with others. If you don’t pass this part, it doesn’t mean you get automatically excluded, but it can lower your position a bit.

There is an obvious fallacy, because if they theoretically know how to behave towards others, it doesn’t mean they employ that behaviour. In fact, most of the kids “know” how to act in a community, but they have some behaviour issues, and the higher they are in the grade system, the worse they are. I like the irony I created, so I’m keeping it in.

This exam focuses more on the thought process than the result.

THE GRADE SYSTEM

I created a system made by 6 grades + 1, which is called “Apex”.

All of them have a basic requirement in knowledge.

The first three (1 is the lowest, 3 is the highest) are more socially oriented and coincide with elementary and middle school. They mostly teach kids social skills, so they can work all together to get to a common objective, aka pass the grade. They focus on play, conversation, emotional and problem-solving skills.

When developing this, Watari thought it would be quite easy to pass it, but he was wrong. He found out that letting the kids try the test – which is, like, a presentation, a competition and a debate – every year created more hatred between them, so he had to add another year, so they could defuse these feelings and make them understand that cooperation is the best option.

The result here is not that important. The most important part is how they got there and how they all behaved towards each other, which should be inclusive. And, while the kids can maybe work better together as a class or big groups and pass the first two with ease, grade 3 is tricky. Not because the curriculum is hard, but because they need to find a person and trust that they are on the same page as them, but not everyone is eager to get to the new grade.

It never happened for someone of the age 13 to still be in the grade 3, so it was never a problem to “what if they remain there until they become 18?”, because Wammy’s existence is short at this point in time, and usually they find someone, but, in case it happens, Watari has a plan B and it’s individual classes to teach them what they should know at their age. They are still in grade 3 and they still have to do the debate with someone else, but if they pass it, depending on how much they have learnt, they can also do the exam to get to grade 5 or skip the classes about the things they already know, because the other three grades (4 is the lowest, 6 is the highest) are more individualistic. They don’t have to work with the others to pass it, so here is more important the result.

The last “grade” is not a grade, but a category. These are those who fulfilled all the requirements and are “free” to do whatever they want. It’s like they finished high school. They are not required to go to class or take some exams, unless they ask to get a degree or a master, in which case, if they need it, a professor is called to assist them and then, an external qualified examinator to test them and their knowledge. But, other than that, they are completely free.

CLASSES AND TEACHERS

Classes are semi-mandatory, and everyone is greatly encouraged to take part to them. Watari may even talk to those who deems more needing to go to them, which are usually those in the first grades, especially if they misbehave or show anti-social behaviour.

For the first grades, there is one teacher per grade for every subject, since the syllabus is not hard. They are of course specialized in those parts. This choice was made for consistency and to create a great bond with them, since having different teachers might throw off the dynamics that exist within the class.

For the other grades, since the topics are harder, there is a different teacher for subject.

School time is a bit different from the one for the public school:

Youth Month represents the start of summer break.

Classes are resumed in September.

They have all the other breaks like Easter, Christmas and so on.

The classes are from Monday to Friday, and every student has their own timetable that may or may not coincide with those who share their same grade – it depends on what they know already, determined by a test at the end of every quarter.  

ACTIVITIES

Youth Month

For this, I took inspiration from youth games in Italy, which is basically an event that promotes inclusivity, sport, healthy competition, and social relations.

It’s in May, and every Sunday there is a different activity in which pairs compete. There are two different competitions based on age: 7 – 12; 13 – 17.

In 1989, I put that:

May 7: three legs run.

May 14: relay race.

May 21: treasure hunt.

May 27: cops and robbers (the last game is divided into two big groups to give a chance to gain a lot of points for those who didn’t until then).

In 1990, the only change I made is that the third game is ping pong, since it was raining outside.

Holidays

Halloween and Christmas two are the main two holidays that are celebrated, because even though I believe that Watari is Christian and the Wammy’s has an affiliation to Christianity, I don’t think he indoctrinate the kids. That would go against the core of the Wammy’s in my opinion, because kids are supposed to think critically and accepting the existence of God without questioning it is not. They can always turn to that religion if they feel close to it, but it’s not mandatory. They don’t go to Church (imagine two old gay men having to make sure 30+ kids don’t destroy it every Sunday) nor celebrate other very Christian holidays, like Easter. They might have a feast, but it’s not publicly associated to the resurrection of Jesus.

This is a choice I made based on the fact that nobody showcases any belief in any type of supernatural entities. Mello wears a rosary, and it seems more symbolic than him actually believing and practicing the religion. I associate it to his mother, who I like to headcanon as a devoted Christian, since Eastern Europe/Balkans are very, extremely, to a worrying extent religious, to the point that people would rather go to church or call a priest home and pray instead of visiting a doctor to cure any kind of injury.

[Tangent about Church in Romania removed.]

Halloween:

I put that a few days before Halloween one of the older kids is appointed to go around the Wammy’s and take notes of what the kids would love to eat (candies) and what they want to dress up as. Everything is done in the realm of possibilities. Watari is going to buy the costumes he can find. Usually, they are passed down from one person to another, so during L’s years, there have been enough requests to have pretty much the ones that are more common, and the only change is to make them fit the new person wearing it. Kids like also to be crafty, like for a mummy costume, they are going to use toilet paper and so on. It’s more about the candies, because he needs to buy something they will like.

In the first part of the day, Watari calls some people to help him decorate the Wammy’s and carve pumpkins into jack-o'-lanterns. Some kids give a hand, but the others are more preoccupied with their costumes.

The party usually starts at 17:30, after they take a group photo under the “Hallowe’en XXXX” banner over their head. They then play games and just do their things, while eating candies and other sweets. At 19, there is a feast. After that, Watari or Roger tell the kids some age-appropriate scary stories, and 23, Littleton has fireworks, but you really have to be lucky to see them, because it doesn’t have to rain, and it usually does.

Since trick and treat wasn’t popular in UK until the late 80s-early 90s, I put that the kids at the Wammy’s experienced it for the first time in 1992, both because Watari didn’t understand it and he was wary of letting the kids roam around the community, even if accompanied by those who are older.

Christmas:

I wanted to do something different. Watari doesn’t ask the kids what they might want, but tries to surprise them, so that he can make up for all the time he isn’t present, which is a lot. He buys the gifts and places them under the tree in the main hall. After the kids open them, they take again a group photo next to the tree and the kids have all their presents in their hand, showing them to the camera. It’s very cozy and calm holiday. They have a big feast, and the kids are let playing with their new toys. Then, they have some Christmas movies playing.

New Year's Eve:

Watari doesn’t prepare anything special, other than a feast. There are fireworks, that everyone can see from the garden of the Wammy’s.

Valentine’s day:

There are two types, for those older than 14 and those younger, because I think the Wammy’s is strict when it comes to romance (mostly about PDA), which is not that serious at that age, but it’s an important part of growing up and they cannot go around fearmongering that liking someone in a romantic sense is bad. That would defeat the purpose of the first 3 grades. If you can’t like someone in that way, then you can’t even get near them, as to avoid the possibility of that feeling to develop.

Generally, everyone gets chocolates and candies, but they are also required to write a nice card to someone else. This person is chosen by extraction – done by Watari, who can actually pretend that is random, but it’s actually not.

In my fic, they usually write stupid things, like “you are funny”, but some of them get someone they have petty rivalry with, and so they write backhanded compliments, because they can go to Watari and complain of the card, and the other person can just lie that they meant it, that it’s all in good faith.

Those that are older than 14 can ask Watari a gift to buy to someone, but of course, it’s fucking embarrassing to go and ask him that, so they usually just gift their sweets to that person and do a hand-made card for them, if they feel like it. Only those that are more brave go to him ask him to play a rose, a special card or something.

[Edit 2025: on 5th November, there's also Guy Fawkes Night. They do a little bonfire, with each kid burning an effigy of Guy Fawkes. If they are lucky, there are also fireworks.]

Stargazing

I added this activity for the summer break, in which they all gather in a nearby field and look at the sky on some specific. There is also an astronomer called by Watari that can answer their question, but the reason for this was to let the kids feel a bit freer and not confined within the gate of the Wammy’s, especially the younger ones that can’t go to the recreational ground. They can play some games there, but usually they just lay on the ground and talk with each other. There is a telescope they can use.

Recreational ground

There’s a park near the Wammy’s – 20 minutes by foot, but they usually use bicycles to get there. Only those age 13 or up can go there. They can’t go alone, but always with someone. If someone age 11 or up wants to go, they need to be accompanied by someone age 15 or up, because those of 13-14 might not pay attention to them that much, even if they say, “yes, of course”. For extra measure, Watari has the numbers of those who live near the park, that can contact him in case something happens. Those under 11 can’t go there under no circumstances. I decided this because the roads that take to the park are not safe for riding bicycles and there is an age limit for doing that on the road.

Other than the necessary stuff for riding the bicycles, they have a tag with the number of the Wammy’s and a bag with Wammy’s insignia on it, because I did create it. It was just a vision in my mind, but I did a draft using picsart and color, so here you go. It’s not well made, since the lines of the ribbon banner are not straight. The ribbon banner I took from Google was so bad quality that I could see each other pixels, so I had to draw over the border to make it more full. The first idea was to have a W with an H behind it, but I decided to do it like this, also because it has all the letters of Watari. Everything that is propriety of the Wammy’s House has this.

SUCCESSOR PROGRAMME

Premise

First and foremost, I don’t like the idea of Watari being the one to impose it on everyone, without any regard for what they want to do, because I think he’s experienced enough with kids to know that you can just force them to do something. They won’t. You can coerce them by using violence and threats, but none of the kids that we know of showcase any sign of being physically abused.

It’s also important to note that not everyone in the Wammy’s is competitive. Mello is the only one who wants to be at the top. Mello and Linda don’t care, and neither does Near. He is just first, because he is that smart. However, this is after. Competitiveness is more prevalent in the system I had created, because being in the Apex means not having to follow classes or have to listen to teachers. That’s the prime reason for why people want to reach it. It’s not about prestige, because I don’t think the kids, especially younger ones, have that concept wired in them. And usually, as a self-preservation technique, people tend to either consider negative something they cannot reach/have and that opinion is automatically applied to those who can enjoy it, which makes them want to stay away from it so nobody thinks that of them, but if they had the chance to join it, they would take it in a heartbeat.

E.g., imagine someone that wants to go to a water park, but they find out that the entrance costs a lot or it’s far away. They are more likely to think, “well, it wasn’t that good to being with” or that it’s only for rich bastards or something, rather than accept that it’s just unfortunate. They will even talk badly about it to others. However, if they managed to get in, they would enjoy every second of it.

So, in this case, while advancement is okay, getting to the higher position is pretty much a curse, because if you act in a certain way that it’s redeemed rude, then the reason is considered to be your status.

In my fic, when A and B got in to the Apex, people started to have a negative opinion of them. They have always been on their own, but since they are now reserved AND in the Apex, then it’s because they think too highly of themselves and less of others, which makes people find them some times annoying, even when they are doing nothing wrong. They might still interact with them nicely, but that doesn’t mean they like them.

Secondly, the general theme of the Death Note is that people are responsible for their own downfall in a way, so I’m going to follow that when it comes to its establishment and organisation.

L’s idea.

Unlike others in the fandom, I consider A and B to be older than L (4 years apart), so the successor programme was first tasted out when L was living there. Decided this because I want him to see what he caused, and for the reasons in the post I hyperlinked.

I have a kind of specific yet not definitive idea of how L’s life before the Wammy’s was. I won’t write all down because I don’t think it’s that important. The only part that is, is the fact that he managed to stop a terroristic attack to get Watari’s attention, because “go big or go home”, and he was the one who decided to establish the successor programme.

Establishment

When he arrived at the Wammy’s, he wanted immediately to get down to business, and asked Watari to talk to the smartest people there: A and B, together.

L introduced the idea for “when I’m away”, as in “when I am taking a break” – because I imagine him to ramble about his career to Watari in the days they stayed together before going back to the Wammy’s and on the 8-10 hours long trip, and Watari pointed out to him that he needs to have time to play/free time, and L said that he was right, that he’d put someone in his place for that time, he’d teach them what he knew, because he was very good at it, he was basically justice itself for how many things he knew – but A and B took that as in “when he dies”.

It was in that moment that L took everything more seriously. They talked for hours. A and B asked him lots of questions about that project, the possibility of that to happen, and how to make sure that it can last for a long time.

And while the conversation started as more of an abstract idea, after L showed them what he managed to do, they were both impressed and eager to learn to be able to do the same. They too had an interest in solving riddles, and… C’mon, it’s cool to be a detective, especially one that was supposed to be the greatest.

They discussed the technicalities and decided not to limit themselves only to two members, so that’s how the successor programme was actually created. It was also A and B to decide their own names, because they said that, since he’s called L, they too should have they own letters, and, while talking, they said, “I would be an alternative” and “if you are that, then I’ll be your backup”, so that’s how they got them.

Basically, it started with L, but A and B became co-owners of this programme in a way, and L didn’t mind it, because they were older than him, seemed wiser, and he looked up to them in a way.

For the others, the letters were chosen in two different ways: the first smartest people there would be the first letters of the alphabet, while the others would have their own letter based on their real name, because five people were enough.

And I say, “smartest people”, but A and B advised L to look for other qualities other than that, because you can have someone that is extremely intelligent, but if they are extremely reckless too, then that detective persona is doomed to fail.

All three of them talked to kids in grades 4-5-6 and the Apex (in my fic there are other two people here) about this project, but they weren’t obliged to accept. They let L speak, who explained what they were planning to do, showed them what he did, and gave them the choice to accept or not. If they didn’t accept, they would ask them to not divulge the information they discussed. In my fic, no one actually says no, because they think it’s awesome.

In case they accepted, he granted them a wish, something that he would fulfil, so that, if they wouldn’t get chosen, at least they wouldn’t think they wasted time. It’s a quality I noticed in L, while reading the manga. I explained it in my long post about the characters: he compensates his actions, which I think it’s something he picked up as he started to be interested in solving cases (before he arrived at the Wammy’s), because he saw what criminals had to do after they got caught doing something bad, and wasting people’s time is bad.

So, everyone had a choice and L, initially, worked mostly with the first five people in the successor programme, but not immediately.

In my fic, there is the MC that tries to destroy him and his project, but even without her, it makes sense that he would take time, years even, to make sure this project can operate without any vulnerabilities. He’s far-sighted and took things more seriously, thanks to A and B’s inputs, so he wanted to create a solid foundation for this detective persona and the project.

However, he didn’t spend all his time over that, because we know he was into stocks. He is also a child, so he experienced a bit of his childhood: he participated in Wammy’s activities, played with the other kids, spent his time picking and giving up interests, etc. He even had tennis practices and tournaments, so it’s not like he just solved cases. He still did – smaller cases – but not all the goddamn time.

To me, he started when he was 12-13 to solve them periodically, but not publicly, just to have some credibility in the eyes England’s law enforcement, that could then recommend him to other national law enforcement, slowly building up his empire.

There wasn’t this urgency or this pressure to be like him. It was like a long-period plan that still had to show its fruits. L wouldn’t even tell all the members everything he solved – just the first five, because he would give them the case files to practice their skills.

ALTERNATIVE / A

So, he was older than L and participated to the establishment of the successor programme.

For the first years, he didn’t actually think to much about it, but as he was slowly approaching being 18, he started to have doubts about his abilities, because, as said before, L gave him case files to solves and he wasn’t able to get any of them entirely right. He still didn’t want to admit defeat and be a disappointment in the other eyes’, so he tried times and times again. This had an impact on his mental health, of course.

L noticed this change in attitude and told him that he can switch places with B. He had no problem with it, but A, instead of admitting that he wasn’t fit for the position, preferred to argue with him, damaging their relation.

The situation was really heavy for him, and since telling the truth was worse than anything else, his first attempt to leave it was by running away from the Wammy’s. That didn’t go well, because B, with a group of people there, managed to find him. A invented some kind of excuse, that he was being followed, and didn’t want to bring them to the orphanage. B didn’t buy it, and they too started to argue.

So, in that case, telling the truth was worse than death and he couldn’t bear the idea of being a complete failure, and killed himself.

That’s how I see how things went, more or less. And L was blamed for it. The successor programme was interrupted, and some of them decided not to participate anymore, even though they could always return, once and if it would be resumed.

L leaves the Wammy’s the same year, before he turns 14, which is important, because B kills a 13-years old girl by bashing her head, and that what I think he wanted to do to L (in my fic, it’s the MC, but whatever) at that time, but couldn’t.

In my fic, A’s name at the Wammy’s is Natal, because it means birth/birthday. And B’s name is Elioenai, which means “towards him are my eyes”. Now, this can have different interpretations: the “eyes” could mean the Shinigami eyes and “him” could be Natal, or L. I am not sure how much I consider him having the Shinigami eyes to be canon. It’s an interesting concept, but I don’t understand how that would be possible, like what led to that and what else does it mean for B? Is he part Shinigami? Or his mother had wild sex with a Shinigami, that then got some time of punishment by the King, because it’s against the rules?

I don’t know, so I don’t count them as canon, to be honest. Cool, but I don’t get it.

For me, Beyond Birthday means also “After Natal”.

BEYOND BIRTHDAY / B

I don’t believe he went completely insane after A’s death. In my mind, he was always kind of shady, ruthless, based on survival instinct and self-preservation. He had an attachment to A, but he had no problem to consider him also a tool that he could use and then discard, if he needed to. He loved him, but he always prioritized himself, at the end of the day.

If things went differently and A became L, that would not last long, because B would kill him so that he can succeed him, and nobody would question it, because they wouldn’t know what truly happened.

A’s death screwed up his plan and blamed L for it. He wanted to take his place, but he first needed his detective persona to be well established. He let L do the hard work to create it. A mostly gave some inputs to help him, while B supervised it, to make sure that everything was going according to his plan.

Since A was chosen as first successor, he couldn’t convince him to switch places, because he didn’t want him and L to have the impression that he really wanted that.

He honestly believed that L would be the first one to crack, because he was younger, but when A died and the project stalled for an indefinite period of time, he couldn’t take it. He planned his life to go in a certain way, but now L wouldn’t work as L anymore for an indefinite time, making no progress, and the project stalled, without any information on when or if it would be resumed? That made him see red.

If he couldn’t become L, then nobody deserved it, and he decided to impersonate L and ruin his career. If he had managed to kill himself in Another Note, while Misora still believed him to be L, then that would’ve had irreparable damages to L’s credibility, and L would’ve needed a lot of time to get that trust back.

That’s one of my interpretations of the LABB case, because I can’t really explain why B decided to that. We take for granted that the Another Note is canon, given also the praise by Ohba, but… It’s not. I have a hard time to consider things about L published after the manga conclusion canon, because they follow the fandom’s reaction. I consider the two one shots about Near canon, because Near has never had the same kind of fanbase L did and does, so it’s easy to not be influenced by what other people think.

In Another Note’s case, it’s written by someone else and, even though it might be weird to say it, it’s a fanfiction in my eyes, that Ohba considers canon because he is lazy, and couldn’t come up with any type of case L solved. He said that himself.

I pick and choose, basically. I could also throw Another Note out the window, with A and B, and pretend they don’t even exist, and I wouldn’t be “wrong” in doing so, but I like them, even though some parts of the novel leave me confused, because it contradicts the canon.

After A’s death.

I haven’t thought about this too much. I have just a general idea of the fact that the orphanage got restructured in some way, but don’t know what exactly changed. It’s just my gut feeling telling me that, as well as saying that the grade system got replaced by a simple graduation list, who ranked the kids based on points they gathered during the year by doing tests, and etc. Can’t go in-depth, because there is nothing here that I actually explored. It isn’t important in my fic, so I haven’t paid too much time to that. I might start to think about it in the future, but I still want to submit my answer.

It gets tricky when it comes to who decided that Mello and Near are meant to be his successors. It makes sense that it would be something imposed to them, but they seem to want it. Near takes on the title of his successor and even tells Light that he is that, meaning that he does not despise it. Mello clearly wants to be the best, and the best in his eyes is L, and I think this is due to the fact that L, during their time, is an established figure in the world and they want to be like him. He came from the Wammy’s, which tells them that they can reach that level of grandiosity.

In the “It’s not about justice” speech L gives, it said that some of the kids lose respect for him and keep their distance, so it is not mandatory for everyone to be part of the successor programme. Maybe even here, it’s catered more towards the best in the institution, so that position was offered to Near, Mello and Matt (third in line). Mello accepted for obvious reasons. Near because he likes to solve puzzles. Matt because, “yeah, why not”, but never believed that he would ever end up actually taking on that role, because Mello was in front of him. Here, they are not given letters in an alphabetical order, so there isn’t a first or a second for L’s position (it exists only inside the Wammy’s), and it ties well with what I said before about A and B. A felt like he needed to become L and couldn’t back down or ask for help, but now, who feels fit will take on L’s role and can also work with the other, without feeling like they need to do things alone.

I doubt L would make the same mistake twice and impose such job on them, without any regard for their opinion. Besides, I don’t think L believed to die that young, so while they taught them some important skills to be a detective, the idea was that they will become L later in life – 40/50s. Unfortunately, L died young and so even the successors were young.

Maybe it’s just naivety on my part, and the interpretation of the majority in this fandom of the Wammy’s House, Watari and the Successor Programme is more accurate than mine.

Of course, characters’ individual experience of the Wammy’s can be absolutely horrendous and they are not fond of the institution, but I don’t think Wammy’s House was born or became as something meant to create copies of L, especially because Near and Mello’s, as well as Matt and Linda’s, personalities and thought processes aren’t a carbon copy of his. They are their own people, in some way.

That’s all I had to say. I think I wrote enough to get a grasp of my idea of everything, even though there are some parts that I did not disclose or aren’t definitive. So, keep that in mind – I might as well wake up one day and decide to consider Wammy’s a factory of Ls, that resembles the common depiction of Hell in cartoons, but I highly doubt it.

Hope you like it. Let me know. And thank you for the ask, as always.

I kept thinking who you might be, based on when you sent the asks and my notifications around that time – maybe to find a correlation (e.g., you read something I wrote and thought of talking about that) – and I identified some accounts. Some of them are mutuals, that I can now exclude. The other non-mutuals that ship L/Light but have views that are different from yours. So, when I said that maybe I know who you might be, I think I was wrong, so I am quite curious to find out the truth.

Take care, E.H.

[phantom-hogs]

i don't usually do these ramble type of things, but I thought it would be fun especially since I just thought of something lol.

y'know how we have extensively explored Shadows and Sonic's trauma in multiple fan comics and what not? Going into the real nitty and gritty and what not. Y'know who- even the people that really like him -have never really talked about?

Silver.

Like, don't get me wrong, I love our little dork. But can you imagine how absolutely traumatizing living in the literal end of the world must be? And even more traumatizing to grow up in that world would be? Living in dead world, where you and your best friend and maybe one of two other people are alive. Having no hope for any kind of future. Fruitlessly searching for a way to fix, knowing that you'll probably either die alone or in some horrible way and there's really no point to try, but you still do because that hope is quite literally the only thing you got left.

And even adding on top of that, imagine once the future - I know in canon they all lose their memories and what not, but fanon and the IDW comics (and even canon at this point, let's be honest) always ignore that, so stay with me - everything is normal, a Peace future. I have high doubts Silver knows how to be a, essentially, normal person. He's been in survival mode his whole life. (Presumably at least) Silver doesn't know how to go out of survival. Hell, I don't think this man even knows what a 9 to 5 is. He thought saving his future would bring immediate happiness, every single one of his problems solved. But now? He probably would even more isolated because him and blaze are the only ones to remember.

And if we bring IDW into this, this man came back twice because his future was in danger two more times (as of the time writing this) can you imagine how anxiety inducing that must be?

Like idk, maybe it's just me. But I feel like this man has more baggage than shadow at this point.

[reijamira]

The Heart Killers Episode 9: Four Lovebirds Stranded on Love Island (my reaction)

It was the same as always: I was weak again and did look at some spoilers. The things I’ve seen this time were: 

There is a fun time at the beach with all four of them. lol How do they get there? 

The beautiful FadelStyle kiss in the water. (Not really a spoiler because I KNEW it would happen.) 

It’s funny that I thought Style would get hurt protecting Fadel. (My brain even suggested the wild idea that Style and Fadel have to go through the woods to reach the place where Kant and Bison are hiding. And Style gets bitten by a snake while pushing Fadel out of the way. lol I love it when my brain provides these weird plot bunnies! 😂) But, apparently, it’s completely different. Style gets hurt in the clothing store when Fadel is protecting HIM. That’s the scene from the trailer I was longing for!

Bison and Fadel patch up Style’s wound. Looks like it’s only a flesh wound, but they make quite a BIG deal out of it. lol I actually saw vids on Xitter that made it look like Style was in the middle of giving birth, what with the hand holding, the piece of cloth in his mouth and all. 😂

Fadel fussing over Style’s wound. I love it! 

Style begging for Kant‘s life, even going to his knees, demanding  to get shot with Kant. My, Style really is a loyal friend! 

Bison‘s daddy comment to Kant! 😂😂😂

A scene with Fadel and Kant where Fadel has a towel around his hips and Kant kind of checks him out for a fleeting second. 

Style finds a photo of Fadel's ex. 

Quite a few spoilers this week. But I think there is still enough that I don’t know yet. 

Let’s find out what it is. 

Uh, 1:04 hours. Wasn’t it 1:14 hours last week? 😭 10 minutes fewer. 

Lol, Bison is a puppy, but Kant has the puppy dog eyes! Why isn’t anyone commenting on it? Perfect opportunity missed! 

I love Kant and Bison talking about their pasts. I love backstories. I wish Bison had told Kant about how he met Fadel. 

Uh, the daddy line! OMG! Kant’s face is hilarious! 😂

No, please, don’t let that line about being locked up together in jail be foreshadowing. I don’t want any of them to go to jail. I’ve heard Thai jails are horrible, inhumane places that are hard to survive. 

Oh my, “You’re my home, Kant.” is so beautiful! 🫠🤩 

Ahh, FadelStyle my dear boys! Love Style’s retro sunglasses! And look who is sleeping like a baby in the back of the car, trusting Style not to drive to the nearest police station! 🤣 

Style discovered a photo of Fadel’s ex! What now? Lol, that little bit of tongue at the side of Style’s mouth is too cute! 

“Can’t you at least lie to make me feel better?” Such a Style thing to say! 👌😂

Hahahaha! Style is unbelievable! Joking about looking presentable as a corpse, wearing clothes in his own style. 

“Gorgeous man with clear skin found dead in a crop top” surely would make a headline! 😂🤣🤣 I can’t! Muhahahaha at Fadel’s reaction! Pure comedy gold! 

Ah ha, we will get the protective Fadel scene where Style gets injured now. I’m so excited! I love hurt/comfort! 

Yeah, yeah, Fadel, do you really believe you would kill Style? Let’s see how you are going to react in a minute when he gets shot. 😂 

I love Style! The ideas he comes up with! Haunting mountains or beaches. 😆 He is so precious! 

Oh, the hitman is coming. Who is it? Keen? 

Yes, tell him, Style! He can’t kill you and he does love you! Damn right! 

And here we go: Fadel in protective mode! Awwwww 🫠😍😍

Haha, bickering while someone is out there trying to kill them! I love these two so much! 

Sooo, Fadel is out of bullets! Does this mean we get Style covering Fadel now? The protective Style scene I was hoping for? 

(There was a spider tattoo on the wrist! It’s Keen, right?)

Oh lord, not exactly what I wanted, but close enough! Go, get your man, Fadel! 

Oh, I love it! Style is all “Don’t mind me. It’s just a graze. IT'S NOTHING!” And Fadel is fussing and worried and emotional. LOVE IT! 😍 

Okay, I’m so relishing these scenes! Look at our “I give you a little joy before I kill you” Fadel! Taking off his shirt to make a makeshift dress for Style’s wound. Uhh! You are so gone for this man, Fadel! 

Kant and Bison are so cute together! Oh, this means Fadel and Style have arrived, right? Now, it’s getting interesting. 

LOL, Kant’s weapon of choice is a branch. Again. 😂

Style is really that weak just from that little bullet graze? How much blood did he even lose? 😂 

Love Fadel barking at everyone like a mad guard dog! No one touches his Style! 

I’m not a doctor, but that wound doesn’t look life threatening to me! 😂 Love them all taking care of Style, though. 😂 

Not Fadel taking Style’s hand in his. 😂 I get why there are vids on Xitter that seem like Style is just having a baby. 😂😂😂 

It’s just a flesh wound, guys! Not even bleeding that much. Style won’t die. 

I’m having a blast here! lol They give Style something to bite on! Kant’s dismayed look! I’m rolling on the floor, laughing so hard! They are so dramatic!

Oh, now it gets a bit gory! Hahaha 

Yeah, Kant, look closely how much Fadel cares for Style. It’s two hands now that hold Style’s very tightly. And Fadel looks so worried! Isn’t it beautiful? 😂

Ah, the confrontation with Bison! Tell him, Bison! Fadel needs to hear that EVERYBODY sees how in love he is with Style! 

Bison looks so small next to Fadel in that scene. 

I wish we had more scenes between Kant and Style. I want to know more about their friendship. Haha, yeah, Fadel still gives Style a hard time. I'm glad Kant can shed some light on how worried Fadel was when Style got patched up. 

Lolololol I’m screaming! Kant of all people imitating Fadel! In that shaky, smitten voice! With the lovelorn puppy dog eyes! Please, I’m laughing my ass off here! 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭

Oh lord!! LOL, is this a KantStyle ghost ship moment?!?! 😆😍🫠😁 

This is the scene from the promo pics! So, Bison was pointing his gun at Fadel! 

Finally, it comes out that Style’s betrayal was only minimal! Ah, Kant, you really are a good guy! But look at Stye! Can’t let his friend die! Such a precious, loyal guy! 

Oh my gosh! Such a heartfelt moment here! Kant and Style really share a unique and strong bond. I love the devotion and commitment! Such a wonderful scene! 

Why did Bison have to wash so many bedsheets? 😅😁 

Well, how will Kant and Bison help Fadel and Style get back together? 

Man, the flashbacks with Mother and how she manipulated these poor, traumatized boys into doing her dirty work are making me angry. 

Keen, come on, get the hall out of there! This “mother” has no love in her. 

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Wait a minute! Hire the one they did two years ago? Does that mean the one who killed Fadel’s ex?? He really is dead then, yes? 😭

Are Kant and Bison responsible for Fadel and Style's meeting at the beach at night? 😂

I love how our four main characters have such great chemistry with each other! I’m enjoying these rare BisonStyle scenes. 

Muhahahaha, Bison knows about Fadel’s big softie side! 😆😍 

Uh, here it is: the FadelKant scene everyone was talking about on Xitter! Even P’Jojo tweeted about it! Well, Fadel clad in nothing but a low hanging towel IS a sight to behold! 

Hahahahaha, he dropped the bomb!!! Kant just told Fadel about the car!!! How does Fadel take it? Does it make him more angry? 

I’m glad Kant mentioned Style forgot about the car! He really has. We never saw him drive it. 😂 

Kant is so bad at lying! The way he looks to the ground, moving his eyes from one side to the other. 😂 

Style, what the hell? He just gave a list with the names of his entire family (extended!) to a hitman! He is so impossible! Love him so much! 

The car is brought up again! Yes, come clean, Style.

“Bye-bye.” So cute. lol Gotta love Style!! 

Well, Fadel folded fast! 😂

Yes, lovey-dovey Fadel would be great after all that angst! 

The kiss in the ocean. I love this scene! One of the most beautiful scenes in the show! That kiss is really something! Love how they look at each other. The eye contact. Hands on the throat, on the neck, in the hair, on the back. Fadel going for Style’s neck! Mmh, beautiful, emotional, passionate, sweet, intimate. 

Lol, the matchmakers enjoying the fruits of their work! 😂

I really wonder how this will all go down. Will they kill Ruerat, or will they go for Mother? (If Fadel finds out his ex has been killed by her, he certainly will!) Or will Captain Christ make a deal with them so that they don’t have to go to jail. I really don’t want them to go to jail. 

I love Fadel fussing over Style’s wound! 

Oh my, Style asks about Fadel’s ex. 💀🥺 Wow, Fadel is actually sharing the story. 

Uh, so Fadel’s ex was another hitman or someone who at least knew about Mother. Okay, actually, no, the guy was completely clueless. 

I really think Mother killed him. 

Wonderful song during the dance scene. 

Awwwww, Style! Your words are so sweet! You are so charming! Wrap that grumpy hitman around your fingers and show him the way of love! ❤️ So adorable how Fadel just cuddled with Style there. 

Gosh, Kant trying to overcome his trauma for Bison is incredible. They are so in love it hurts! 😍🫠. 

Uhhhh, Fadel’s see-through mesh shirt! Hello-ho! 

The frisbee 🥏 fun beach time is so delightful! Wasn’t Kant afraid of the ocean a second ago? 😂 

Wait! “Brother-in-law”? Another marriage hint? 

Please! I want FadelStyle and KantBison to marry at the end of the show! And they should come back and live a life in peace on the island! 

Uhh, what were FadelStyle doing on that boat? 😂😂😂 

Well, this episode rocked! Again! I wish it were longer! Two hours! Three? I want more scenes with the four of them or any combination thereof! I can’t get enough!

So next week’s EP 10: 

What? A separation for safety reasons? Nooo! 

What gets Fadel so angry? 

Who is Bison fighting with? 

Okay, separation for safety reasons isn’t working (duh😁😂), now they are helping with the mission! Yay! 

Are FadelStyle spying on Keen? 

And Style in that suit looks delicious! 🤤 (A bit like Kamin from Dare You to Death!)

Nooooo, nooooo, nooooo, only three episodes left! I don't want it to end! 😭😭😭😭

[hismercytomyjustice]

Have I mentioned lately how much I fucking hate having OCD???

Christ, it has made me feel straight up crazy lately.

I just want to yeet it into the sun.

I am just so fucking tired. God I hope this med change works. I am so sick of struggling to do the bare minimum in terms of functioning and just being a-fucking-live lately.

Feel like I’ve been on battery saving mode for like a year now and it doesn’t feel like it’s getting any better. I’m just really tired of putting in all this work only to feel like I’m making absolutely no progress.

I just want to be able to do normal everyday shit like keep up with the laundry and dishes, shower, not feel like deciding what to eat every meal is an agonizing fucking chore, not constantly run my mounting to do list over and over in my head until I want to fucking scream.

I’m just so fucking tired.

I just need to see some progress. To feel like I’m getting fucking somewhere. Instead of just doing an ant death spiral.

Fucking hell.

Lol can’t decide if I want to fucking scream or cry or just walk into the woods and start a new life as a goddamn rock or something.

Being a rock could be peaceful, I think. No obligations, no feeling like you’re constantly letting yourself and everyone else down, just sitting still and vibing. Just to get a break from the never-ending turmoil in my head. Even if it’s just for a few fucking minutes.

Idk. I’m just tired of fighting my OCD. I’m tired of making an effort to get better that feels like one step forward five steps back every single day. I don’t want to be fighting the good fight right now. I just want to sit for a minute and feel fucking miserable because I am fucking miserable and it sucks and I’m tired of it. I want to throw a tantrum and yell up to the sky that it isn’t fucking fair. That it’s not fair that I’ve been trying so fucking hard for the past year and don’t feel like I’m doing any better.

My therapist has straight up told me she wishes her other clients were as motivated as I was to get better. I’ve been seeing her weekly for almost a year now. I’ve gotten a psychiatrist to help me with my meds. I’m on meds for my ADHD. I have tried to outsource everyday tasks that I don’t have the bandwidth for right now. I’ve read up on OCD. I’ve met with an autism consultant. I’ve tried taking it easy. I’ve tried pushing myself.

I know it’s going to be okay eventually. I just really wish eventually was now. Or that I at least had a solid understanding of how much longer it’s going to take. Fuck, I really hope I’m not still feeling this way in the middle of the year or later while we spend months figuring out what meds will actually work.

Like, my spirit is willing. I just need something to quiet my OCD down enough so I can finally make some actual progress with it and with life in general. So I don’t feel like I’m constantly in survival mode. So I don’t feel incessantly exhausted. So completing even the most mundane five second task doesn’t feel like a fucking battle.

Ugh. Pretty sure I’m getting a migraine too, which would explain this piss poor mood I’m in. Idk why but sometimes my anxiety and/or depression and all ramp up hardcore in the early migraine phases.

Which, good news, means I’ll feel less fucking awful once it’s finally over. Which is kind of a relief. At least I won’t feel as emotionally at the bottom of the barrel, but the rest of it all still stands.

I’m pretty sure my therapist would say this is me exercising self-compassion even if it feels more like just throwing a tantrum or screaming into the void.

I just really wish I had the bandwidth right now to be there for myself and the everyone in my life. But like, I can’t even take care of myself right now. And I’m so sick of this stasis I feel trapped in. And I know if I’m sick of it, then my family and friends absolutely are too. Not in a mean way. Just in a “fuck, why can’t you get better” way.

Like everyone has been incredibly supportive throughout all of this. But at the same time I just feel like there’s only so many times I can say “I’m still struggling and am not really any better” and not sound like a broken fucking record.

Like, to the point I’m probably bottling it up to a degree because I’m tired of talking about it, so I’m sure they’re tired of listening to it. I feel like I’m just constantly trying to put on a cheerier and more energetic facade while feeling worse and worse and I’m not fooling anyone.

Uuuuugh. Hope my therapist is ready for all of this on Wednesday. *gestures broadly at their entire self*

My therapist is amazing, but she has a tendency to get teary eyed when I tell her how hard of a time I’m having and I don’t want it to sound like I don’t appreciate how much she’s helped me. Lol once again I’m viscerally reminded of why she suggested partial hospitalization a few months ago. Or what sounds like the equivalent of OCD/mental health boot camp lol.

I just feel like if I could get to a point where I can take the edge off, everything else will fall into place. I just need something to tip me that last little bit over the edge. And I really, really hope the right meds can do that for me. Just like, shrink the hurdles I have to clear even by just an inch. Just anything to make it all not feel so fucking insurmountable.

Ugh. Lol. I just need to take my migraine meds and lie down for a bit until the existential dread/crisis drops to a more manageable level.

[sophiethewitch1]

hey sophie! ive been listening to the www playlist a lot lately and was wondering if you could bust out ur playlist thesis? however much ur cool with sharing!! would love to hear your thoughts hehe. also, are there any bonus tracks we can listen to from the big og playlist?

i want you to know that for this entire post I was doing this

absolutely constantly. raving maniac mode. under the cut so i don't make everyone hate me for all the bullshit im about to spout and like some cough cough future hints. No actual spoilers but like... vibes and things that are obvious. Me telling you there will be yandere things in the yandere story, shock horror. These songs are the trailers/animatics in my head so uh. It's kind of hard to explain them without that (which is why I literally CAN NOT) for a couple of them lol. Oh!!!! And I've also got some other songs that really should've made the playlist but I just didn't add for some reason. Laziness or whatever. One's literally called birthday party. I uh. Don't think I need to explain that one.

But also I just like, whatever who cares if some of the songs on there aren't ones I 100% associate w what we want so here's the full playlist live your dreams. Most of them I associate at least a moderate bit. BUt under here is the fucking essay I've somehow written lmao I lost my mind somewhere along the way.

WHAT YOU GONNA DO??? By Bastille and Graham Coxon is first on the playlist for a reason. It's sort of like, similar to the rocking feeling of what being cramped on the subway was like to me? And it's a song that's pretty obvious with the lyric comparisons. The 'you' in the title IS you! What are you gonna do? You have us (Gotham, the world, the batfam) listening, so what are you gonna do with it? And it matches readers future response quite well I think. And it feels like something that a superhero would have in the background, which certainly helps.

Keep You Mine by NOTD and Shy Martin was actually just one of those songs you were listening to on loop at the time you were doing a thing, and then became intrinsically linked to that thing, but it still represent WWW quite well! It matches more so the later acts of the story, where you and the boys will have some issues staying together with eachother. But it's still poppy and romantic in tone!! Because you guys and your relationship, despite everything that'll happen, you want to keep each other y'know? And reader's like possessive and jealous in a cutesy way to offset how absolutely psycho bonkers the guys will end up being... But I also feel this too matches the superhero vibes? Somehow? The fight on of it... You must keep fighting, for each other!

Tinfoil Hat by Dolo Tonight is like,,, about the frustration of being a Gotham resident I suppose (or anyone living in late stage capitalism with a mental illness) but especially you! Since you totally fucking got ripped from one universe to another and um, i don't know if you've noticed this yet but... there seems to be some issues with readers idols??? Seeing as you love the waynes but hate the bats. Please duck under the comically large chekov's gun and come this way. Also because reader for a little bit does geniunely think she's crazy and need to go to the psychiatrist but obviously thinks that is the worst idea ever because the gotham mental health system is really just prison. and it's a prison with her nemesis. not the place to be.

Live, Learn, Die by Lavin is pretty obvious too, but in a much sadder tone. Reader as a character has at this point come to a conclusion that I'm sure many of us do in their lifetime (I know I have at least) which is that... things suck, and then you die. She doesn't want to die, but she doesn't really particularly actually want to live, she's just so damn focused on survival she's never actually even had the time to realise that. This other version of her who didn't have 24/7 adrenaline running in her body was obviously significantly worse off and seemed... off. If everyone you love is dead, is surviving for them even worth it anymore? She's still learning, so maybe she'll learn something different this time...?

Next song is a spoiler so skipping it <3! Lmfao interpret this however you'd like

Thelma + Louise By Bastille is a song about a scene that I am so damn eager to get to which unfortunately is in act fucking 3 which is my favourite but like. Suffering I am suffering :) Anyways I can't tell you too much about it because of but I will say that it's a road trip between you, Dick and Jason! It's very fun and absolutely no complex feelings are involved whatsoever. You meet Lucy the giant elephant (actual roadside attraction in new jersey lmfao). This song is Dick Grayson coded in like... mostly sunny vibes. Like the warmth the song gives, that's how you make him feel.

Temper Temper by LimeCordiale is a song that is about... you and Jason... and his poor poor habit of enabling you. 'Me and my girlfriend that I let do whatever she wants to me because shes hot' core. Bruce sees the two of you in the landing and gets immediate d10 psychic damage it's impressive. Anyways if anyone ever angers you (which I'm sure they never ever ever will :)) he's probably going to be there to back you up, because 'you know that that's what I like'. That video of you punching George is private time material frankly.

Next song is ALSO a spoiler which um. cough. 😳 let's not look too deep at this one actually folks

Werewolf By Quinn XCII. Ah yes, the yan in the yandere story. This one is ALSO about Jason but this is the most Jason coded song. I will say that this also features in the story at some point (you, Molly, Dick, Jason and some very poor suffering grunts). It's the lyrics. I've always said Jason is a loyal dog and I stand by it till the day I die. He also feels like a feral animal that constantly kind of wants to swallow you whole which is romantic I think <3 <4 But geniunely put that thing on a leash for the betterment of mankind. I mean you make them all feel like starving monsters Jason's the only one who has any self awareness unfortunately, which is why this is HIS song. Also because he'd be a werewolf, case close your honour. Dick'd be a vampire it's LITERALLY canon. WHat was I talking about

Ghosts by The 1975 got on here because I heard the first line and went 'hA!' because it really do just be 'You... You always seem to get what you want.' and also the "You seem to get better" is fuckin. IT'S SO GOOD MAN! That's EXACTLY what the guys are thinking when the next few chapters start coming around which. Really were supposed to be out by now whoopsie but yknow like. Anyways you ARE gonna start working on things!!! You're gonna talk to Molly!! You're gonna get more flowers!!!!! God damn it, you're gonna get what you want!!!!!!!!!!!!! (at least this first bit oop)

Next two are spoilers again, but this time you absolutely won't be able to guess because they're both animatic inside my own brain so take that! And I mean you REALLY won't be able to guess they're great scenes can't wait for you to see em. I can't wait either tbh why am I writing these stupid filler scenes lmao. why can't i skip to the end of my 200k enemies to lovers slowburn just to write the final chapter (did this to herself)

Together We're Screwed By Robotaki and Nevve is a song I've loved for ageeessssss bro because there is (to me at least) nothing more romantic than being a terrible horrible unredeemable person with the one you love. Hand in unlovable hand baby! That's like... the fic I guess, together the five of you are screwed. And it just matches that same earlier mentioned vibe of like... poppy kinda techno-y kinda superhero-y kinda loser-y. Listen to me, listen to me... This fic is about many things and I'll say it again and again and everytime it's true in a different way and this time it's true in this way. This fic is about being about being a loser and bad at everything and still managing to get what you want. Actually that might be what this fic is actually actually centrally about. 'We're both a mess, we just can't get it right. Together we're screwed. I'm looking at you, I'm looking at you~' like, be a mess!

And now we're at the exciting new

Birthday Party by AJR is like the equivalent of what would be a canon event for this au. Your birthday HAS to happen and it HAS to suck ass and all your family HAS to die on this day for some reason or another.. Some people told me when they had their birthday they thought of my fic and I was like damn bro who hurt you? /jk but really reader's birthday is kind of a reflection of... you know, everyone has at least one of those sucky as birthdays. And you've gotta paste on a brave face and pretend you don't want to cry and that it's all not too much and that for some reason you're disappointed and that the trudging march of time scares the shit out of you and that you haven't achieved anything this year and- You know? 'And that's just how it is.'

Okay I've run out of videos I can add but there are only two songs left so!! Ima finish this anyways.

Inertia by AJR is a song where again the lyrics speak for itself. Before you woke up in a slightly different world where everything was just slightly different, your life was stagnant. You were stuck, absolutely. Despite trying to break out of poverty, out of your circumstances, fortune simply wouldn't smile on you. And again, that other you seemed to reflect that stagnancy. She wasn't going anywhere either. In my head I see the two of you dancing like marionettes alone on your stages alone, unable to fight against the strings pulling at you. It's only till you start dancing with eachother, till the strings start tangling that you start getting any freedom. That you're able to start getting anywhere. Maybe being set off course was the best thing that could happen to both of you?

Something Just Like This by The Chainsmokers and Coldplay is a song that both me and my mum love, and also one very fitting to the superhero theme! And it's how ALL the guys feel about you!! You're really just a civilian, you're not that important in the grand scheme of things... But why do you like them? It's for such stupid reasons. It's because of the way Damian reads romance novels and Jason never properly tapes his nuckles and Dick has a stupid bleeding heart so he keeps taking too many hours at the Bludhaven pet rescue and Tim always fucking sends you the new york wordle, connections, crossword and spelling bee first thing in the morning and then asks if you want any help when he knows you want to do it on your own and- Every single moment of you is done with such love and sincerity and heart and they can't help but fall in love again and again and again. 'I want something just like this' is a phrase they'll say to you and you'll say to them too.

[kittenintheden]

I want to share something. I absolutely adore how you write Astarion. You capture his mirth, the absolute ridiculous stray ginger cat energy he embodies, the tragedy of his situation, and how utterly hilarious he is all at the same time. But what I love especially is how *young* you manage to write him, like this is an elf who was killed before he even reached young adulthood in Elvish culture and you capture that brilliantly in both his mannerisms, sarcastic and sometimes juvenile quips and even his body language. It's just mind-blowing and I love reading your fics due to how well you capture him.

this is such an incredibly sweet comment and thank you so much for making it T_T my heart, it is warmed.

if I may ramble for a moment!

here's my thing: based on the information available to us, it's pretty widely confirmed canon (fanon? since Larian hasn't actually confirmed to my knowledge?) that based on the translated dates on his grave marker, Astarion died at 39. which is VERY young for an elf, but still adulthood, because elves physically and mentally mature at a similar rate to humans. the "they don't reach adulthood until 100" is more cultural than physical/mental, so Astarion very much was an adult with a career and all that when he died. culturally, however, he would not have been considered fully adult by other elves.

kind of like if you had a bar/bat mitzvah at 100 instead of 13? like it's not a measure of physical/mental adulthood, it's a cultural/religious ceremony signifying the passage into adulthood. that kind of thing.

WITH THAT SAID: Astarion did die young (we think) and then was launched into a situation that severely impacted his growth and progression as a person. namely: it stopped. he's frozen in time. he had no opportunity to learn, grow, or change. he was literally prevented from doing so.

Cazador worsened and encouraged this behavior not only in Astarion but in ALL the spawn. he refers to them as children, they're considered siblings, and the journals and notes we find in the palace indicate that they frequently pranked the shit out of each other and were generally the worst versions of themselves because Cazador regularly pitted them against one another. he starves and belittles and torments them physically and mentally. no one can thrive in circumstances like that.

when we meet Astarion in game, we're meeting a severely abused soul in survival mode who's never been able to make a plan or act for himself or exist in a world that wasn't constant terror. not since he can remember, anyway. he's fully and completely trauma-brained.

SO MUCH of his behavior is rooted in that. Cazador and his staff routinely refer to Astarion as a brat, little one, child, etc. dialogue indicates that he was constantly shamed for "prattling" and being a talker. so here's a man who's in literal arrested development and any meaningful growth he could have had was cut off at the ground. and he acts it.

until he gets a chance to grow.

then he still acts like a big baby boy but, you know, one who's also beginning to think past his own nose and develop a tiny bit of empathy and consideration. if you let him lol. you don't have to.

also I have a history in writing YA and Romance if that wasn't PAINFULLY OBVIOUS LMAO.

[demigodofhoolemere]

Things I can't stop thinking about from Steven and Vicki's Tales of the TARDIS episode

- This reunion. Seeing them together again kills me anyway, but when you look at the context of the last time they saw each other, both of them could have easily thought the other might be dead. The last Vicki saw of Steven he was bleeding out and slipping away from consciousness, and to Steven he woke up to learn that they'd left Vicki in a city that was being razed to the ground and its inhabitants slaughtered. There wasn’t a proper goodbye and neither could have known for sure whether the other had survived. These are two people who must have spent decades of their lives just hoping and praying that the other was okay.

They take each other's presence in like it’s a miracle. I don’t know if they intentionally wrote/acted this with that particular context of their last time together in mind, but nevertheless it can very easily be read that way since their reactions lend themselves to it so well.

- ^ In particular, Steven’s voice breaks in a way that absolutely destroys me.

- Is this girlish giggling not the most Vicki thing you’ve ever seen?

- There are certain moments that just really hit as, ‘This is them.’ I mean, look at her. That’s Vicki. It keeps blowing my mind.

- Steven is SO happy to see her again, oh my word. “I’ve got my little sister back!” is gonna live in my mind for the rest of my life. To have that dynamic acknowledged in those words and to see how much they love each other kills me. Look at this unreserved fluff. This means the world to me.

- Hearing that they’ve had wonderfully happy lives is so nice. Vicki could have been dealing with all kinds of turmoil given the time she chose to stay in, and with Steven’s luck he could have had literally anything happen to him, like Big Finish decided to do. I’m so glad they’ve been given full and happy lives onscreen, that Vicki has done so well in such a wildly different time and that Steven’s bad luck curse is finally broken. (The trauma curse is broken at least — it’s too much of a stretch for me to believe that he wouldn’t still have mundane bad luck lol.)

- Someone needs to either sue Peter for these faces or give him an award. There is so much emotion going on here and I can barely handle it. And knowing how much Peter truly loved this show and his time on it, I get the feeling some of this is real for him.

- “Vicki, this might not be his TARDIS. I mean, can you imagine the Doctor wearing something like this?” Well I’m sure as heck imagining it now! Someone PLEASE make fan art of One in Six’s coat.

- Their reverence for the Doctor’s pocket watch. Vicki is so happy and clutches it with joy and Steven stares at it and strokes it for a good minute. 💗

- Love having some skeptical Steven wondering if it could be a trap and warning Vicki to be careful. His older brother mode got reactivated so fast. And, “Don’t be such a spoilsport!” is so delightfully Vicki.

- Space helmet for a cow!!!

- “Well, it had been a busy week.” Lol, more like a busy (or not so busy) 2 years on Mechanus! You’re more than excused!

- I know it was naturally gonna happen because they’re going over The Time Meddler but I love the references to the Monk, and I love that we also get a subtle reference to The Daleks’ Master Plan out of it.

- Another one of those moments that just strikes you. Look at him.

- “He rescued me. I was an orphan and he became my family. I became the granddaughter he’d lost.” 😭

- Vicki’s little, “Come out, come out, wherever you are!” dance is so perfectly Vicki. It warms my heart how well-characterized they both are here.

- Anyone else see this and immediately start crying thinking about her putting her hands over her eyes in The Chase? Just me?

- Steven’s face when he agrees with her about wishing more than anything to see the Doctor again. I love his relationship with the Doctor so much, it kills me to see him emotional about it, to see how much he still loves him after all this time. But on top of it, once again I feel like there’s some genuine Peter in here who misses Bill. You can see in a lot of interviews, panels, commentaries and so on that Peter really truly cared about Bill as his friend and is still protective over him as a person and his character. When Steven makes this face in agreement about wishing he could just see the Doctor again, I feel something else very real in it.

- Look at them. Just look at them. No further comment.

- Vicki’s face hearing the Doctor’s laugh is my face.

I still haven’t been able to get through this without crying at his laugh. I don’t really have the words for how magical and touching it is that they included him in that way. It tugs on my heartstrings so hard.

[xinganhao]

ok i can never be normal abt seungcheol ok. i get COT!mc. I can only pray i can be as confident as her with my irl crushes.

Now I try to list everything I loved abt this fic☺️

As a psychology graduate/nerd i enjoyed the random conversation about pavlov.

I love JH’s notes and HS’s report with the edits from WW. It’s those little extra bits of info/context from the story that I look forward to in all your works. I’m a huge fan of story building and dare I say you’re a master of it.

The fact that the members of the mafia are as invested on how this story pans out as I am. (I would be one of the firsts to place a bet in that betting pool lol)

The song…. Best believe i took a few minutes to laugh out of kilig. Not giggle, LAUGH. I reiterate, I can’t be normal abt seungcheol. And the thought of hum blasting that song after mc says [redacted]……

[Warning: Spoiler]

The end of pt 2????? I can only say this with the Filipino expression. “TANGGAL ANGAS NI BOSSING” Oh this man is beyond whipped, smitten, simp, etc. The speech he gave after the nickname was the leo in him talking and it was his copium from how the nickname made him feel.

[Spoiler done]

I have so many more things that I loved abt COT but this ask has gotten waaaaay too long lol. In summary, I loved the fic *surprised pikachu meme* as if that wasn’t already an expected result. I hope that although you are in survival mode lately, you still have time to enjoy life the way we readers enjoy your works🫶🫶🫶

AND WHAT IF UMIYAK AKO?! oh my gosh, this was such a terrific read of cherry on top's latest chapter ૮(˶╥︿╥)ა cannot thank you enough for being so kind as to share all your thoughts with me! story building is one of my favorite things to do, and smau formats challenge me to push the boundaries of it. the song was definitely a choiceee (i was experiencing extreme LSS at the time haha) and you are 100% right. no way to say it better. down bad ka malala, bossing cheol 🫶🏻🥹❤️‍🩹 but i'm also down bad malala for YOU! ty ty ty for always reading my work so well and granting me such kindness ahhh i can only hope to keep making stories that deserve it <3 may you find the happiness you've so freely given me with this ask ahhh in double, TRIPLE measure!!!

[techforevil]

January 2025 | monthnote

Is it even a new year if I don't make some doomed attempt at weeknotes?

Random notes inc work stuff

Vicky dying still does not feel real. I feel privileged I got to spend some siginifcant time with her when she came along to Conferencia Agile Spain (like most people I primarily knew her from her writing and online presence, altho we met briefly a few times when we overlapped at GDS) and was hoping to follow up on a few things we talked about at GovCamp but equally it means I can't just indulge in my full-on denial mode...

Worked through xmas-ny break like usual. It's usually a chill time unless I am in this department, where apart from the ongoing time-sensitive work lots of random emergencies happened. So glad I'm off for a couple of weeks now, I've not had a proper break since Japan in March/April and I'm shattered.

Overall so much random and weird shit was going down at the end of Dec / start of Jan (including both me and my flatmate having very strange dreams) I was beginning to suspect a gas leak... 🙃

Got extended till Feb 2026 in my current contract. 🎉 It should make getting a mortgage easier, now just fingers crossed that the property does not get down valued like the last one and my sellers find something they want to purchase soon.

Quite a lot of change at work, lots of it quite neatly coinciding with my leave. The migration from GOV.UK PaaS my team was prepping for for the last year got delayed last minute and now I'll be missing it but I'm sure it will all go fine.

Booked in with Keemee for a tatoo just after the holiday. 🌺

Govcamp happened and I was mostly helping our rather than going to sessions. :o Good times as usual, felt particularly busy this year for a 'normal edition'. I really like that we finally have a bit of a Teacamp return with TransformGov Talks and also sort of DataBites! \o/

Spanish classes are back. I've not signed up for Korean yet, there's probably a fair bit I can do to brush up close to my former level by myself if I just find the motivation. :s

Watched

Lots of Taskmaster, the perfect crocheting accompaniment (see below)

Nosferatu - the scene in castle 100% played like something from What We Do in the Shadows, I'm not even sorry for giggling throughout. 😔 Needed more Dafoe hamming it up. I was shocked the cat was not named in the credits - breaking a sacred tradition of cinema. 4 stars.

Presence - not a horror, not my kinda thing otherwise (family drama). The central gimmick could be fun in an actual horror movie tho. Another one they kind of employ ('not being bound by time') is sort of redundant because the progression is linear (I suppose otherwise the twist would be ruined). The marketing vs movie kind of fell in place for me when I realised it's the same distributor as Longlegs which was also underwhelming.

Late Feb / March seems staked with releases I want to see: The Monkey, The Last Showgirl, Mickey 17, Death of Unicorn... probably more. Those are just the trailers I saw before Presence lol.

Played

This is probably between Dec-Jan rather than strictly Jan.

Fledgling Manor - Stefan's route only, basically not sure how the other ones can top it so I lost interest but it seems all need to be played to resolve some plot points so maybe in the future...

Sorry We're Closed - I thought this would be a VN but it's a survival horror and I find the shooting stressful haha. You can say I hould have read the description before buying but I was blinded by the art. -_-

bits of Arco (love the mechanics and the story is good but I got stuck at an encounter I can't pass but I'm too stubborn to back out and return at higher level), Animal Well, Stanley Parable (at very long last - yes, it's as good as I thought it would be), I Was a Teenage Exocolonist (tbh the mechanics were more interesting to me in a more down to earth setting of Growing Up), Cryptmaster (Steamdeck does not work well for this).

Waiting for Yakuza in Hawaii, more Hades 2 patches, next Deltarune chapters, and Ghost of Tsushima sequel + Assassins Creed Japan (open world map marker slop > therapy, don't @ me).

Makes

Decima is still closed so no pottery. I've probably forgotten 100% of what little I could do. I'll probably do a course at Mudgang when I'm back to return to some working level and then get either a studio space subscription from them or Turning Earth near Haggerston, depending on how the flat buying is coming along.

In the meantime I have finally sort of learned how to crochet. I got a kit from TOFT to make a black and white cat, resembling Bella a bit. I tried crocheting before a few times (I learned very basic knitting during lockdown and have half a pride blanket from Wool & the Gang somewhere) but it always ended up with me crying, once in public. 🥲 The kit said it's level 2 so I got another level 1 one (labrador)

TBF they are not that different, cat requires changing colours which is actually not hard if you get over the initial barrier to entry of crocheting anything at all. 😬 The cat is also bigger which makes the process much less fiddly.

TOFT instructions are quite barebones and don't have any interim 'this is what it should look like by now' pics which as a complete beginner is quite rough, but I think I managed to make decent approximations of the cover images. I made some changes to the cat on purpose.

Belly disagrees.

The biggest issue I have with TOFT kits so far is that the amount of yarn provided leaves no room for errors or even leaving longer tails. With both patterns I made mistakes (crocheting with dark yarn is particularly hard going if you don't know wtf you're doing) and the yarn started fraying real bad so I had to chop it. I actually had to buy more yarn (which doesn't exactly match...) to finish the cat at all. :(

I got yarn and patterns for two sheep (Seth and Tobias) from them to keep busy on the upcoming flights so we'll see how consistent this minimalism is. 😬

Anyway then I went crazy at John Lewis sales so I have lots of materials now, just need patterns and ideas. The first one is not going particularly well and I'm losing my patience sligtly, might swap to something else.

またね! ✌️😗

[ureverygirltome]

and the way my ex would insinuate i may be autistic or nd in some way like disguised in a familiar kinda joking way yk.. but then wpuld also called me the r word all the time lmao💀and stupid and idiot and then misogynistic slurs and always iterations of saying I am not sane or rational to discredit me and shoot me down in arguments every single time. and also the way he lacked empathy for like any thing I struggled with

like yeah it's not ur partners job to be the solution to ur mental struggles or behaviors but they shld have basic empathy for u and understanding and also not want to like. harm you lmao. Like I would shut down a lot during any high emotion moments or serious arguments conversations etc and it was not on purpose at all and I wasn't trying to give him the silent treatment yk. like I physically felt like I could not speak and would freeze up and stare at the ground or wall and be dissociated from my body LOL. and like...

obviously its not a healthy reaction or fair to ur partner if u can't have vulnerable dialogue w them etc BUT like... the way he went abt it was so odd to me. like 0 empathy. bc yk, ig at first when that started happening to me very early on to the relationship hed kinda just keep pushing and try to just ignore the dissociating behavior and still continue the argument or conversation. but then after a bit he put his foot down abt it and was saying it's fucked up of me to just make him put up with my shut downs.

and like, ok u could def be frustrated and tell me but it really didn't feel like there was any empathy at all in retrospect??? and I was so fucking removed from my own body and mind I didn't like... realize I was dissociating rlly and I couldn't name that experience and like in hindsight it's kind of fucking scary I guess to me. like rn bc that happens to me sometimes in daily life (&also conflict albeit i don't have much interpersonal conflict these days but it does happen if i do w like my family). much less severely tho but whenever I realize I'm falling into that it's a scary experience bc I don't want to dissociate or feel like im not real.

but it was SOOOO intense and severe when I was w my ex bc he probably triggered me so hard and felt unsafe so my body would shut down and obv I also have issues from my family upbringing but like. he definitely contributed to that unsafe survival mode instinct I guess. and idk its so fucking lame that... he wasn't concerned for me at all i guess? I mean maybe he was idk this was a very long time ago like 2021 fall. but it really didn't feel like it.. I never felt like he was there for me or empathizing with that. it was just like, "this behavior u do is personally detrimental to me and also a fucked up thing ur doing TO ME and u need to fix it" kind of vibe

and its sad and like ugh that I accepted that kind of shit and how he made me feel but at the time I couldn't name that feeling either. but realizing I felt so unheard and unsafe and on edge around him at times. its hard to grapple w that now like knowing I was so removed from my life and what was happening to me and what feelings I had :/ and so like, after he expressed his frustrations abt my shut downs as we called them ig... I wanted to work on it so badly and the thing is like.. I did lol

I was not a great communicator at that time and I really tried so hard to work on it for him~ and bc he was basically like.. upset with me for all these things I was doing and in my mind ofc I don't want to upset my partner or have an unhealthy behavior that hinders or harms the relationship. but like.. that mindfulness and accountability ? ig was not reciprocal at all since he never shared the same willingness or action to improve or stop behaviors that were harmful to me bc he rarely ever admitted fault or took accountability. even tho he claimed he did

so I would force myself to make eye contact to not slip into that dead state and I tried sooo hard and if I'd like, slip up or regress like ie he'd make me look at him and would snap his fingers in my face or clap his hands in my face like I'm a dog. or he'd say loudly DONT DISSOCIATE. like its insane bc who does that. why do u lack basic human empathy for ur partner who was clearly not well and trying.. and smth that was not intentional at all like it was a TRAUMA RESPONSE. and he made it sm worse 😭 like literally if my eyes wandered to the side for a second he would talk to me like im a child he's ordering around or an animal and condemn me for it like omg ur insane xo

and yeah there's so much more but. its just crazy I put so much effort and energy towards improving myself and correcting unhealthy behaviors and "managing my feelings and reactions" like I was the sole problem even though literally I was not and if I'd been with a normal person w a normal amt of empathy and maturity and kindness who treated me like a person I would not be acting that way at all probably