#we are on season 3 i think its a fun watch. i want like 4 of them hit by cars.
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random things to watch over the holiday break
happy holidays friends (â¸â¸^á´^â¸â¸)âď¸ as many of us have time off from our normal schedules, are taking long-haul flights or car drives, and will be spending hours in broom closets to avoid our terrifying families, i figure this is the perfect time to look back on the year and put together some watch links for over the break âď¸âď¸âď¸
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panel shows
the christmas special of never mind the buzzcocks is always...something else
speaking of, icymi in a panel show miracle earlier this year an anonymous source provided beautiful archival copies of the first 12 series of nmtb â so this is the perfect time to revisit its classic era!!
junior taskmaster just wrapped up its first season! very wholesome, for the whole family (don't forget to check out the taskmaster podcast discussions for each episode, hosted by ed gamble!)
there were some great eps of cats does countdown this year but this one was probably my standout<3
because this series is on sky so we have to be careful circulating it, not everyone got a chance to watch rob beckett's smart tv when it aired this year! some of the panel guests include natasia demetriou, nicola coughlan, david tennant, romesh, and alan davies, among others
idk if this is controversial but i think the australian guy mont spelling bee MIGHT be better than the new zealand version... i'm not sure yet... i need someone else to watch every single episode and tell me what my opinion should be. i also want to thank this show for teaching me how to spell vinaigrette
this, this, and this were some of my favourite episodes of wilty this year!! btw the 2024 christmas episode just dropped!
there were a lot of wild lineups on mel giedoryc: unforgivable this year, but i'd recommend just starting with the first episode of the latest series because..well you'll understand when you see it
this year i made three big lists of random panel show moments that, in my humble opinion, you will love wasting your holidays hours clicking through: part 1 / part 2 / part 3
misc. tv
the royal variety performance 2024
the completely made up adventures of dick turpin was renewed for s2 so make sure to catch up!!! it's SO stupid hahaha
on a similar, less stupid note, ludwig will also be back for s2!
we're all still missing sean lock, who passed away three years ago, so it's never a bad time to revisit 15 storeys high â especially now that we have upgraded rips!
listen jon and lucy may be divorced but that doesn't make meet the richardsons any less iconic and the last two episodes just released!
s2 of alma's not normal is out this year and doing such amazing things for our sophie willan!!
this was a bit under the radar but backstage with katherine ryan was really fun! i love the mostly-documentary concept and it's one of my favourite things to see the backstage culture between these random comedians (judi x ivo killed me)
rhod gilbert's stand up to cancer documentary was really beautiful ;;
am i being unreasonable? (written by & starring daisy may cooper, from this country) is one of my underrated scripted comedies of the year
paddy mcguinness on who do you think you are
in the new jimmy carr-hosted game show battle in a box, pairs of celebs (mostly comedians) are trapped in an empty box for 24 hours, forced to play a series of mental and physical challenges. if you like the lineup then it's worth checking out!
it's christmas. just follow tradition and watch fry & laurie.
standup
ahir shah â ends (2024)
fern brady â austistic bikini queen (2024)
harriet kemsley â everything always works out for me (2024)
lucy beaumont â live from the royal court theatre (2024)
john kearns â the varnishing days (2023â4)
rhys james â spilt milk (2024)
suzi ruffell â snappy (2024)
tony law â the law also rises (2024)
films
monty python and the holy grail (1975) dir. terry gilliam, terry jones
withnail and i (1987) dir. bruce robinson
gosford park (2001) dir. robert altman
the personal history of david copperfield (2019) dir. armando iannucci
how to have sex (2023) dir. molly manning walker
rye lane (2023) dir. raine allen-miller
scrapper (2023) dir. charlotte regan
kneecap (2024) dir. rich peppiatt
youtube
been enjoying the dish podcast this year!! some of my favourite episodes include claudia winkleman, jordan north & william hanson, saoirse-monica jackson, gordon ramsay, sandi toksvig, richard e. grant, matthew macfadyen, and stephen fry
sandi toksvig hugging guests (2024 edition)
obsessed with this house tour with richard e grant
phil wang was on jolly?? it was fun to see his house
don't sleep on the taskmaster outtakes content!
radio & podcasts
green wing came back for a 6-part radio series and warmed all of our hearts<3
some of my favourite episodes of off menu this year: elis james, john robins, sam campbell, frankie boyle, lucy beaumont, jess knappett, joe wilkinson, tommy tiernan, ardal o'hanlon, huge davies (one of the all-time clips), danny dyer (this one is truly crazy on the ears can't recommend it enough)
the horne section podcast was back for a few episodes!!! if you've never listened before, start with this classic episode you're welcome
susie dent and phil wang have adorable chemistry on this new radio game show
david o'doherty and max rushden started a new podcast about what people did yesterday that has had lots of fun guests! start here if you need to give it a taste
a few RHLSTP episodes worth giving a listen: lee mack, bob mortimer, armando iannucci, rob brydon, peter serafinowicz, ade edmondson, fern brady, among others. if you find your patience waning, he's doing a couple of 'best of 2024' eps! richard's really been focused on his book podcast this year
books
frankie boyle & charlie skelton â a short history of the apocalypse: the vital guide to your future survival (2024)
miranda hart â i haven't been entirely honest with you (2024)
richard osman â we solve murders (2024)
â
i could go on forever but i've got to stop somewhere heh... looking forward to big fat quiz and more mindless telly in 2025! have a wonderful holiday x sarah
PANEL SHOW WATCH LINKS ⢠NON-PANEL SHOW WATCH LINKS âĽâhttps://ko-fi.com/panelshowsource
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been watching bsd with my bestie and yeah gotta say this dude was born to eat cement.
#bungou stray dogs#bsd#akutagawa#he is my 2nd favoreite.#i drew him twice because i didnt like my first art of them. they uploaded in opposite order.#i know thats not the saying but eating cement is his calling in life.#we are on season 3 i think its a fun watch. i want like 4 of them hit by cars.
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Love your blog and thoughtsđ
So coming to the ask do you think jikook would throw the potato in the air and just stay together in jk's new fortress?? Is it true that they used to spend their life together in a house because we know that jk nearly lost his mind over jm in early 2023 in his lives. I don't think we was simply having those lives for fun. I do really believe that he was infact struggling or like distracting himself over his lack of jiminie time. We know that this has not happened prior to the solo era as jk in lives was completely different from jk in ot7 era
Hey there đ
Thanks so much. It means a lot.
The first part of your ask, I'll answer that at the end of this post.
Let's start with the second part.
Do I think they were living together?
Yes. I do. I think the speculation about Jikook living together started when this video dropped:
Yoongi is teasing Jimin about watching their old videos. And Jungkook joins in saying he also watched the old videos. He says "I was at home with him". The him in question being Jimin cause it was Jimin who was getting teased.
But I think they were sharing living spaces (not exactly living together in a house of their own) since their shared dorm days. Have you noticed the video of the members packing before their BV Season 3 trip?
We see Jungkook sitting on a mattress in a walk in closet, packing for the trip. Then it looks like he walked straight out of that closet into Jimin and Hoseok's room.
This is the same closet where he filmed this video:
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I think he was living in that walk in closet which is attached to Jimin and Hoseok's room. We have already seen countless times how Jimin and Hoseok tease Jungkook about how he's coming into their shared bedroom at nights. Jungkook even left his toothbrush next to Jimin's. Also, just keep in mind that Hoseok already bought his own apartment (Trimage) in 2016.
There's also this interesting fact about the timing of Jikook's apartment purchases. Jimin bought his first apartment in 2018 as an investment. It was getting rebuilt. Jungkook also bought his apartment (Trimage) in 2018 where Hoseok also has an apartment. And it was clear that Jimin was living together with Jungkook in 2019 and 2020 cause his apartment was not livable. This is clear from how Jungkook told in BV Season 4 that he only saw Jimin and Hoseok during their break in 2019. The trio was also often seen sharing car rides to official schedules cause they were coming from the same place.
In 2021 Jimin bought his Nine One apartment in the same complex as Namjoon. Now, Jungkook sold his Trimage apartment in 2020, handed over his Yongsan Apartment to his brother in Dec 2020 and bought a house in Itaewon in 2021 but it was let on rent. So, he had no place to live while Jimin had. So, probably they were living together in Jimin's apartment at this time. It actually slips out from Namjoon during this live:
Namjoon says "our house". Namjoon and Jimin are neighbors. But here its just him and Jungkook. So, the "our" implies that Jungkook's living together with Jimin.
Also, there's Bam being more familiar and comfortable around Jimin compared to the other members which we got to see in ITS Season 2. And Jimin mentioning how Bam used to fall asleep in Jimin's arms with his nose nuzzled into Jimin's forearms.
Now shall we revisit the times Jikook made it obvious that they were living together?
1) Jimin saying how both him and Jungkook were together at 4am (It was Jungkook's birthday) when they got the news of Dynamite being No. 1 in BBHot100
2) Jin calling Jimin on his birthday live where Jimin says he's with Jungkook
3) Jimin saying how waking up in the morning and seeing Jungkook's face makes him happy. Thus, implying they share a bedroom together
4) Jungkook wanted to make the LGO MV as realistic as possible so he showed him and Jimin to be sharing a room and also teased Jimin about his morning breath
5) In 2020 BTS Festa Jimin was talking about how he wants to be together with the members as BTS for a long time and Jungkook pipes in to add how Jimin told him the same thing the previous day
6) Jimin being super familiar with Jungkook's sleeping habits. Jimin explaining how Jungkook's face changes while sleeping in the behinds of Lights MV. Jimin imitating how Jungkook snores in ITS Season 1. It was very detailed too. Like how the snoring starts and then revs up. Jimin talks about this again in ITS Season 2
7) Jungkook waiting for Jimin in RUN BTS 127 even though he won the rock, paper, scissor game
8) All those times they jokingly complain about having to wait for the other to finish up so that they can leave for home
9) This conversation:
10) Jimin was Project Manage for BE and asked everyone to mail him their proposals to which Jungkook replied like this:
Cause why mail him when they're living together?
11) Jimin saying that Jungkook takes 50 mins in the shower. The other members seem surprised by this information (Radio Disney Interview 2019)
12) Jimin knowing how Jungkook's alarm sounds though Jungkook said that he keeps changing it constantly
13) Jungkook arriving together with Jimin spotting a hickey
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14) Jikook arriving together late for the MBC Radio Show. They were also seen leaving together
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15) BTS is gifted knives in the Run BTS cooking episode. All the members are gifted one each. But Jungkook says "We got 2 knives" referring to Jimin's and his knives together
16) Jimin says that he likes to be dressed down while at home to which Hoseok adds " And Jungkook's in charge of the music" to which Jimin completely stills for a second ( Jimin, Hoseok, Taehyung live where Jungkook also later joins in)
16) Arriving together at the airport for their flight (UNGA 2021)
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17) Jikook and Jin return to SK after PTD LA. Jungkook and Jin arrives first. Jungkook waits for Jimin to arrive, but gets separated at the cars for quarantine (Dec 6 2021)
Jungkook posts a story on his Instagram (Dec 9 2021)
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18) In 2021 Jikook were spotted several times by K ARMY in the district where Jimin's apartment is located at. Their voting district was also the same. They were also spotted taking covid tests at the same health clinic. Those tests are taken in the health clinic based on the district you live in (Jimin's apartment, Jungkook's apartment and Jungkook's house are all located in 3 different districts)
I'm quite certain there's more of these proofs some of which we haven't even seen.
All these basically is confirmation that Jikook were living together.
Now let's see what happened once BTS announced their hiatus in group activities in Festa 2022.
There's so much confusion among the fans regarding this news. And Jungkook comes live as a part of damage control on June 16 2022 from Brunnen apartment. This is the first time we get to see this place. This place is not under his name and had a few furniture pieces from their shared dormitory.
The next live happens on Sept 1 2022 (his birthday) from the same place. We know that its a tradition for the members to do a live on their birthdays. So, thats what this live basically is. He also promotes his photo book then continues the live by singing songs and talking with ARMY.
His next live is on Nov 21 2022 after his Dreamers performance at the World Cup. Its from his hotel room in Qatar.
So, after the hiatus was announced he did only 3 lives. 1st live to reassure ARMY, 2nd live a birthday live and the 3rd after his World Cup Performance.
And then its 2023. Jimin is super busy preparing for his Solo Debut.
Jungkook comes live on Feb 1 2023, midnight. He did this live by his own choice, not authorized by the company. He sings songs including Vibe. Namjoon and Taehyung leaves comments.
The next live is on Feb 3 2023, midnight. Jungkook lights up on seeing Jimin's comment. He invites him over to have chicken. But Jimin is busy, on schedule even at midnight.
The next live is on Feb 11 2023. This time its from his boxing gym. Jimin comments. Jungkook and his boxing coach invites him for boxing. From this interaction we get to know that Jikook have the same boxing coach. Later a stalker leaks a video of him at the same gym, training.
The next live is on Feb 28 2023, noon. He deletes his Instagram the same day.
In March, Jimin's busy schedule continues. Jungkook goes live again on March 3 2023.
Jimin flies to NY on March 13 2023 for his promotions. And the next Jungkook live happens on March 14 2023 (White Day). He does 3 lives back to back and something interesting to note is he wears a different outfit for each of these lives. A black jacket for first live, a white shirt for the second and for the last one a purple hoodie. He comes live a fourth time that night and reminds us to look forward to midnight cause something amazing is coming up at midnight. And at midnight Jimin's SMF pt2 teaser is released.
Now shall we take a look at Jimin's outfits in SMF pt2?
Yeah. Black jacket, White sweater, Purple Jacket. In that exact order.
On March 23 2023 a day before the release of FACE, Jungkook's live again.
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So, he just had his first guitar lesson so that he could tease "Letter", Jimin's hidden track in FACE for which Jungkook's credited for his background vocals.
Jungkook's the only other artist who was featured for a song in FACE, Jimin's album which Jimin said is too personal and that's why he did not want other artists to feature in it. Guess this does not apply to Jungkook, right???!! Cause Jungkook's an important part of his personal life.
Jungkook comes live again on March 28 2023 to watch Jimin's Suchwita. This is the first time he's watching Yoongi's show. Cause obviously Jimin was the guest this time. He also watches SMF pt2 and other Jimin videos.
Jungkook changed his Weverse profile to Jimin for a split second
Jungkook's announced as CK's Global Ambassador on March 28 2023.
Jimin does a live on March 29 2023 and Jungkook spams it with 19 comments. This is where he says "I'm Hyung's fan".
At this point, all of Jungkook's March lives had only one intention, to promote his bf's Solo debut. He was so loud and obvious about it.
Jimin goes live on April 3 2023 from his house. If you watch the live you'll notice that there's another gaming chair next to his own (he panicked when he showed it accidentally on camera) which is the same one Jungkook has in his studio. And in my opinion Jimin was not alone at his house. Jungkook's also there with him.
Also, in this live someone comments "I'm Jungkook's wife" to which Jimin's reply is "I think Jungkook's sleeping". Why? Cause Jungkook's sleeping in the next room? I think thats why he's speaking in a low voice. So, that he doesn't disturb his bf who's sleeping in the next room.
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On April 8 2023 Jungkook does a short live where he says he had no intention of doing it. He's seen folding his CK briefs and out of them a red brief is seen which is smaller in size compared to the rest. And in AYS we see Jimin wearing CK briefs. Jimin's usually seen wearing Armani briefs for special events and concerts. He never really wore CKs except for that one photoshoot where BTS collaborated with CK for their LY Tear photoshoot.
On April 18 2023, the day Hoseok enlisted Jikook hint about drinking together the previous day.
On April 25 2023 Jimin leaves to attend the Tiffany Event. At the airport he's seen wearing a Willy Chavarria T-shirt. Willy Chavarria is CK's Senior VP of Menswear Design
Jungkook comes live the same day Jimin leaves and the first song he plays is "I Really Want To Stay At Your House". During these days when Jimin is in NYC Jungkook posts about his food, attends LV after party with Mingyu, complains about stalkers sending him food on a Weverse post.
Jimin returns to SK on May 6 2023 and Jungkook disappears from social media.
On May 21 2023 Jungkook posts a pic of Bam. On May 23 2023 Jimin leaves for London. At the airport he is seen with a huge scratch on his arm which looks like a dog scratch. On May 24 2023 Jungkook comes live (not surprised right?)
And then we have Jungkook getting busy for his solo debut which again leaves them little time for each other.
We saw how Jungkook altogether avoids the topic of ms when Jimin brings it up in the first episodes of AYS when it was still uncertain if they'll be able to enlist together. And then he takes a 180, starts talking about ms in AYS Jeju when its confirmed that Jikook are enlisting as companion soldiers.
We hear from Jimin in AYS Jeju that he had a sleepover at Jungkook's house the previous day.
So, its obvious that Jikook who were living together prior to Jimin's Solo debut preparations were forced to spent time apart due to their schedules. However, I think they were having a lot of sleepovers at each other's house whenever possible.
I also think one of the main reasons Jungkook was letting us see his house was because he was gonna move out soon. We also got Jimin who let us us see some parts of his house during one of his lives. And then we hear that some of Jimin's furnitures from his apartment are seen at his Dad's cafe once he started his ms.
Anon, now as promised I'll answer the first part of your ask.
Yes. I think so. Because thats what they have been doing all these years. Living together and sharing a home. So, I assume that's what they're gonna do once they get back. Now let's wait and see what they'll do once they are back after having served their country.
Have a nice day Anon!
Credits to the owner of the video
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please please please do different arcane/opla character's kinks???? (preferably some Jayce but yk-)
OMG I was just returning to arcane roots. Mind you I haven't seen the recent season (Im waiting for my mom and sister since we all watched dit together) UHH take these smutty lil kinky lil headcanona!
P.s For as much smut as i write I have the hardest time remembering the differences between kinks and fetishes BUT I think I got it down lol. Bare with me yall.
P.P.S. I'll make a part two with some more of these guys lol I started to draw a blank on a few and get burnt out but I want to provide QUALITY writing to y'all
Enjoy-
Silco
Yknow every time I come on this god forsaken app I find myself thirsting over dead midleages if not older men....
Ahem
Smoking and Begging I feel like would be two kinks of his. And like he already is a smoker so just translating that over to the bedroom....oof.
I feel like he's the type to smoke after or before, but like in a way that relaxes him even further? YK what I'm saying? Perhaps he'll even offer you some with a firm grip on your face while he blows smoke into your mouth, just before he kisses you.
I also think the begging gets him hot under the collar. Just the idea of his partner asking so desperately for release knowing he's in control of whether they're allowed to or not really does it for him. He's ruthless but sweet in the most deliciously contradicting way. Saying things like, " Begging is so unbecoming of you my dear," or "You can beg better than that, I thought you wanted to cum?"
Sevika
Sevika my belovedddddd <3 come home baby the kids miss you lmao. Sevika seems like the type to be down for a lot but also has her limits? One thing that really gets her going though is overstim/multiple orgasms. Please let her pull as many as she can from you its literally her favorite thing watching her partner come undone. She likes to see how messy you get and how your thighs tremble and shake, damn near tensing up from the strain.
She starts slow. Maybe two...then three more.....how bout we shoot for 4 to 5? SIx you say?! Alright, let's just say fuck it and go for 7.
"C'mon, you can give me one more. Thatssss it, let go."
Vander
This is a harworking, loving, family man okay. He doesn't have time for a lot...However, he definitely has time to just have you squeeze down on him with those hot, wet walls, simply existing. Ahhh yes the art of cockwarming in cwich he is an expert in. Hes a sneaky fucker too, taking time to just position you in front of him so he can slip his cock into you, just enjoying your warmth. No movement, just there, your back to his chest, pretending like nothing is happening behind the counter.
He especially enjoys the late nights, your bodies melted into one as you just sinkkkkk down on him, just adjusting to his length, fighting the urge to move as does he. Just that's part of the fun. Expect lots of soft gentled caresses as yout walls memorize him
Vi
Babygirls got a thing for hot chicks in uniform. Be in business attire, military, or otherwise, she loves it.
I mean, honestly, I was not hot about clean white button-downs tucked into fancy dress pants adorned by emblems of silver or gold. A nice neat hairstyle, no flyaways, very much office siren.
And please god don't let you have a snappy domineering attitude, telling her what to do, sexily taunting. Babygirl will be weak in the knees.
Jinx
I donât think sheâd have any kinks if Iâm being honest. I see Jinx as a very experimental and fun but soft and vanilla lover. She enjoys being treated softly and gentle, especially in a moment of vulnerability like being intimate with a partner.
Viktor
I hate to be the one to say it but stalkings/knee highs and glasses⌠Yall HEAR ME OUTTT HEAR ME OUT! I know that sounds really bad but if you see the vision. I feel like Viktor is a lover of pretty things, patterns and decoration. The feeling of lace or tights under his fingertips, the thrill of being the one who gets to remove your glasses before you go down on him.
All is truly a treat in his pretty yellow eyes. Especially when it's his beloved and devoted partner. He takes his time with you treating you delicately as he pulls the fabric off your kneesocks away to reveal pretty legs he gets to you all the way up to the main prize. He likes taking his time unwrapping his gifts. His favorite part is discarding it all from your body. Or at the very least, making you do it.
"Strip." He hums, leaning forward as you shed layers of clothes with a smile.
Ekko
At first I was thinking that mmm Ekko doesn't have any really kinks. Maybe heâs more vanilla but then I got thinkingâŚ
Nah nah this guy..
He likes being bitten.
Oddly enough he wasnât sure why when you had first done it on impulse, the two of you in one of your more intimate moments. You hand grazed his shoulder, only applying slight pressure before stopping yourself from going too hard but the sound it pulled form him. Gorgeous.
âD-Do it again. Please?â He asks, lifting a bit above your too see your glossed fucked our eyes.
âBite you?â You reiterate, trying to read him and itâs nothing but pure lust and adoration.
âBaby, please.â He huffs, lulling his neck to the side, giving you access.
Please mark him up he really likes it.
#x reader#reader is black#headcannons#hes so hot#blurb#smut#arcane#arcane x reader#arcane headcannons#ekko arcane#jinx arcane#vi arcane#viktor arcane#silco arcane#vanderarcane#arcane smut#arcane netflix#arcane season 2#arcane season 2 smut
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misunderstandings
bachelorette masterlist - part 1 ⸠part 2 ⸠part 3 ⸠part 4 ⸠part 6 ⸠part 7
synopsis: y/n watches the most recent episode of the bachelorette and is met with something she doesnât like. sana also seems to be angry for whatever reason and it builds up into a big argument at the end of the night.
warnings: sex! overstimulation, fingering, scissoring, oral sex, degradation, choking, cursing
w/c: 7.1k
a/n: soooo sorry for the delay this will probs be my last update for a while bcs finals season is driving me up a wall (if u see me post another story or part its bcs im actually not studying and u should yell at me for it) i lwk hate the pacing of this chapter i feel like its everywhere but hey! we got some smut!
⎠â Ë。𦹠â・°âŠ
the backlash wonsik gets online is more than satisfactory. apparently, with all the evidence piled up against him, he would most likely be sent away for the rest of his life. which is disgusting to think about, how much crime do you have to commit to get a life sentence? you try to shake those thoughts as you watch the most recent episode with the leftover contestants while sanaâs on her individual date as usual. it was tradition now, even more so as the pool of contestants gets smaller and smaller.
after your day off, things had gotten right back to normal.
sana went on a solo date with jacky. good thing it was jacky too because they had the famous âconquer a fearâ date. who knew big, australian jacky was afraid of balloons. and in typical bachelorette fashion, producers came up with a romantic hot air balloon date for 5am in the morning.
costume designers had rushed into your room at 4am, turning on all the lights and pulling sana from your arms, not even casting you a second look now that they were used to seeing the both of you cuddled up and naked most of the time they had to come in and dress you.
you were barely conscious as they ran around frantically, pulling the covers over your head and groaning a little, trying to make yourself go back to sleep.
youâre sure sana didnât feel the best either from the little grumbles and whines you can hear faintly as she struggles to keep her eyes open while makeup artists dab eyeshadow on her eyelids.
soon enough they're off and you drift back into sleep, only to be awoken a few hours later so you can get dressed and attend the group date for the day.
that was also pretty fun. everything was meant to be high-adrenaline, facing your fears, all that sort of stuff today. so the team had booked out a big amusement park and you all had free rein. it was also good because it meant you had a little bit more freedom, not everyone had to stick together so people ended up splitting naturally when they wanted to do different rides and you had even managed to sneak sana away from the cameras for a quick make out session in the toilets.
it was a pretty great day and would make for a nice and light episode after the mayhem that happened with wonsik. there was a rose ceremony as always but this time, only 2 people were eliminated. unfortunately you had to say goodbye to dae and nayeon, sana did say it was getting harder and harder to eliminate people because as the more time goes on, the closer you get, and when there's less people in the house, it also facilitates closer relationships. she had to eliminate those two simply because she felt her romantic connection with them wasn't as strong as it was with some of the other contestants. it was rough but that's showbiz.
after 2 more eliminations tonight, it would officially be the quarter finals meaning it would be time for sana to meet all of her last 4 contestants' families and close ones.
currently, you're enjoying an afternoon tea at the contestants' house. as usual, sana was on a solo date with jiwon but there wouldn't be a group date today because there wasn't enough time to film it. instead, the both of you were allowed a little sleep in after yesterday's rude 4am awakening, and a little more time in the afternoon to dress up before the rose ceremony tonight.
the episode had just finished with jacky and sana's date. jacky still won't go near a balloon and he's probably developed a fear of heights on top of that too now but at least it looked pretty on television.
you had teased him when the episode showed him nervously walking around and inspecting the hot air balloon before sana had to basically yank him into the basket. he had his eyes shut tight the entire time, holding on to sana for dear life while they ascended. it was a little cute when sana finally managed to get him to peek his eyes open once they reached their highest altitude, just in time to catch the sunrise, and in exchange for getting over his fear and not backing out of this date with her, she gave him a rose and kissed him on the cheek.
you heard afterwards from eunji that as soon as they touched back down he had jumped out of the basket and laid face down in the grass for about half an hour, just getting used to the feeling of being on the ground again.
they had caught a bit of him on the floor doing exactly that which was pretty hilarious because sana was crouched next to him, poking him and trying to get him to sit up but he just groaned and mumbled something incomprehensibly in response, his rose still clutched tight in his hand, stretched out in front of him.
they cut it off there though, maybe a little for jacky's reputation but you all knew how long he was there for.
after a short break where they show a few scenes of silly occurrences inside the house with the other contestants, and then finding out everyone was invited on the group date that day, except for jacky who was invited but ended up taking the rest of the day off to recuperate and basically laid in bed in the medical office, even skipping the rose ceremony since he already got his rose.
they shot everyone in the car on the way to the amusement park, asking the contestants what they thought was going to happen, if anyone was scared, trying to pull a few comedic clips together, all the anticipation scenes the audience needed to be excited for the date.
eventually, everyone's in the middle of the amusement park with sana and yourself waiting for them in casual clothes. you shift a little as you recall the way you had her gasping into your mouth and your hand up the blue polo shirt sheâs wearing on screen only 20 minutes after the introduction and everyone had split off.
in the meantime, while the cameras were running around frantically trying to find sana, they had filled in the gaps with clips of the other contestants, you laugh when momo is practically dragged onto a rollercoaster by jihyo and jun, sheâs kicking and screaming but they manage to strap her in and gesture for the roller coaster attendant to go. its one of those really fast ones where it goes from 0 to 100 in seconds so the force pushes all of them back against the seats, poor momo barely has the time to blink and then its over. sheâs gasping with her eyes clenched shut while the other two are laughing and pulling her off and along to the next ride.
itâs great being able to watch what happened when you werenât on screen, and also what sana was up to when you werenât with her.
you laugh when they show all the contestants clambering onto the carousel, you had all taken some group pictures and some of them were more than silly.
eventually, you get to the rose ceremony, and just as you were on the night, your breath is taken away again with sana in a stunning red dress. she really nailed being on camera, her face was one that was meant to be on screen.
the night starts merrily, everyone's more of a family now, youâre all happy to drink and talk together, and it wasnât so competitive to get time with sana anymore because there were less contestants.
you frown a little though when the camera shifts to sana and jihyo, theyâre sitting very close in one of the more private rooms inside the house.
jihyoâs playing a joke and sanaâs laughing, a little flushed, probably from the alcohol as she slaps jihyoâs arm lightheartedly. jihyo preens at the attention, grabbing another drink and offering it to sana who accepts it gratefully and takes a sip.
she hums in satisfaction before speaking up, âso you never did tell me how you broke up with that gym ratâŚâ
jihyoâs laughing a little nervously, twiddling her thumbs a little, âright yeah⌠i just realised that i made the wrong decision. i was caught up in the newness of everything with him but after that got old, i realised i still loved-â
sanaâs eyebrows are shooting up, sheâs setting down her drink and clearing her throat.
âsorry.â jihyo flashes an apologetic look over at sana, but sana shakes her head.
âno no itâs okay. be as honest as you can, please. weâre both here because weâre looking for a relationship right? canât do that if we have any skeletons still in the closet.â
jihyoâs smiling gratefully and then continuing, âhe wasnât it for me. thatâs why i broke up with him. iâm sorry for the way i treated you sana, you didnât deserve that, you never did anything wrong in our relationship and i never really gave you a reason to why we broke up. i hoped by coming on here i may be able to win back a second chance.â
sana hums again, taking a moment to think while jihyo nervously looks at her with wide eyes.
âjihyo⌠you hurt me a lot when you left.â
âi know! and iâm so so sorry for that! i never want to do that to you again, all iâm asking for is another chance sana.â
sheâs shuffling closer, grabbing sanaâs hands tightly and imploring with her eyes.
sana looks down at their hands together, taking a breath before looking back up, "look... i'm not going to lie to you... i never really did get over you completely."
what?
"and i wouldn't have kept you in here for this long if i wasn't curious about what you had to say and if i wasn't ready to give you a second chance."
what the actual fuck?
"it wouldn't be fair though. to the other contestants, y'know? if they knew you had a head start. and i admit i was avoiding you a little because i wanted to even the playing field and get to know everyone else first before revisiting this." she makes a gesture with her hands, signaling between the two of them. "so its nice to finally be able to sit down and get a clear answer about what happened in the past."
jihyo looks more and more hopeful as sana goes on, your hands only get tighter around the fabric of your pants. sana didn't tell you about this conversation last night. sana hasn't mentioned anything jihyo related. whenever you ask, she's always managed to change the conversation or misdirect you with the promise of sex. was this why? is this how she really felt about jihyo? did she think you would disapprove? well you do disapprove but that was besides the point.
all of the other contestants don't seem too shocked with this news. it's not too surprising though because they've all lived with jihyo and the one thing they all have in common is sana so there's no doubt they've all discussed each other's feelings for sana, and jihyo probably told them their history as well.
you're fuming though. you can't believe sana didn't tell you something this important. that you're finding this out along with the rest of the country when you were meant to be her best friend here, the one person who was supposed to know everything before everyone.
⎠â Ë。𦹠â・°âŠ
the rest of the afternoon goes by in a blur. you can vaguely tell when someone comes up to you and tries to initiate or bring you into the conversation but your mind is swirling with information about sana and jihyo, their past interactions, whether you could decipher any of sana's feelings from observing her.
eventually, it's time for the rose ceremony again and you're still in your head about everything you thought you knew happened yesterday.
you have half the mind to pull sana aside and ask her about it but when you meet sana's eyes, she squints a little and looks away quickly with signs of a pout in her lip.
the night continues like this, the two of you stealing glances at each other only when you think the other isn't looking. when sana starts pulling jihyo aside though, you don't care if she sees the look of disbelief on your face, she doesn't seem to notice anyway, all cozied up to jihyo.
you're averting your head again and downing the rest of your drink in one gulp.
when it's time to read out who gets a rose and who's going home, you're stiff standing next to sana, she's purposely avoiding your gaze as well. the tension between you two was so thick jiwon had come up and asked if something had happened between you two. and technically nothing did happen so you don't really know why sana seems to be angry with you when you were the one who was hurt by yesterday's episode.
the ceremony is brief, you have to say goodbye to jun, and eunji unfortunately but you can barely give them a proper hug as you stare at jihyo who's now made the final four.
after your goodbyes you quickly make your way towards the car, tapping your foot impatiently while waiting for sana to finish saying her goodbyes so you could both go home.
unfortunately, that takes another 20 minutes and you're just about to tell the driver to leave without her when she's sliding into the car, still avoiding your gaze and sitting on the opposite end of the car. normally she's all over you, needing affection after a big day but now you're pretty sure if she moved any further away she'd be falling out the window.
that was fine though. itâs not like you wanted to have an argument with her while the driver could hear you anyway.
the carâs pulling in and sheâs opening her door and stalking inside the house without even a second glance towards you.
what the fuck? why was she mad at you now?
you feel almost childish copying her actions and making sure to slam the door on the way in, but if she was acting like this for no reason that only infuriated you more.
you find her in the kitchen, tapping her foot impatiently and waiting for you to come in.
once youâre standing on opposite sides of the counter, you cross your arms and still. sheâs leaning on the counter with her hands, staring you down. there was no way you were going to be the first to break. she was the one who had some explaining to do right now, not you.
sana's stubborn as well though, lips pursed and not backing down.
it goes on like this for a few minutes before you finally break, raising an eyebrow and asking coldly, "so do you have anything you want to say to me sana?"
sana scoffs, the tips of her ears red, "do you have anything you want to say y/n?"
"what? no! i don't even know why you're being like this right now! i'm the one who's been left in the dark here."
"oh you're the one who's been left in the dark huh? unbelievable that you're still lying to my face about this. is that how you really feel about her?"
"excuse me?! it doesn't matter how i feel about her! the whole issue is how you've been dealing with this situation!"
sana sneers, your voices getting louder and louder trying to top each other, "this again? seriously y/n? i'm my own person and i'm allowed to have opinions on who i like and who i don't like! if she's being weird or sneaky or whatever i'm going to call her out on it!"
you scoff, "yeah right. like you called her out on it last night? and tonight as well i bet. why did you take so long saying your goodbyes huh?"
sana goes beet red and you think you've got her, "what?! what are you talking about?! and i stayed behind to say proper goodbyes to everyone! not like you apparently who couldn't care less, you barely talked to anyone tonight, when jun, and eunji, who was one of your closest friends here right?! when they had to leave you didn't even look them in the eye when they hugged you!"
"riiiiiiiiiight and you expect me to believe that? you weren't cuddling up and getting a quickie in before you had to go right?"
"what?! what are you talking about y/n?! quickie- what?"
"with jihyo! you stayed behind to talk to her didn't you!?"
"what?! well yeah i did but what does jihyo have to do with any of this?"
"what?! i've been talking about jihyo this whole time what do you mean?"
she's slipping something out of her suit pocket and sliding it across the counter to you. your phone.
"are you fucking serious y/n? you've been talking about jihyo this whole time? what the fuck? why the fuck are you suddenly bringing her up? you're the one who's been going behind my back getting all flirty and friendly with miyeon! after you told me you were just friends?! calling each other babe and sweetie and honey in your texts, how the fuck did you even get her number anyway? how long have you been talking to her huh? how long have you been fucking me while talking to someone else?"
you're scrambling for your phone, unlocking it and scrolling to your messages with miyeon. fuck. sana must have read everything. you don't even remember leaving your phone behind but it must have been with her since the morning. you scroll down the texts and see the most recent messages miyeon has texted you today and you find that sana has been replying to her.
"are you serious sana?! why the fuck did you go through my phone?"
sana turns her head at that, pouting a little, "i didn't mean to! she just kept on texting and i thought it must have been something important if your phone kept going off so i just went in to make sure everything was okay! how was i supposed to know you were basically sexting her behind my back!?"
"we were not sexting oh my god sana! miyeon is my friend we're just friends!"
"why have you been keeping this from me then?! you must like her or something then don't you?!"
"what?! no! and don't talk to me about keeping secrets right now sana!"
"what secrets have i kept from you?!"
"hello?!" you're waving your hands around frantically, "the whole jihyo situation?! why didn't you tell me you never got over her?"
"i never got over- what?!"
"you said so last night! on national fucking television! don't play dumb with me right now sana, and don't try and change the topic on me!"
"i never said that! are you being serious right now? jihyo and i split and it took me a while but you were there for it all! you saw me at my lowest and you helped build me back up! i am over her!"
"why is she in the final four then?"
"oh my god y/n you cannot seriously still be talking about jihyo! i'm over her! the producers wanted her to make it to the final four because they thought they could add some drama in during the home visits or whatever! jihyo and i talked about it last night and i told her why she was still here because i didn't want to keep leading her on! that's why i stayed for longer after the rose ceremony, i just wanted to check on her and make sure she was okay with all of this because i still care about her! i loved her at one point in my life!"
"that's not what i saw in last night's episode!"
"what?!"
"yeah! you and jihyo were all close and snuggly and she told you she still loved you and you said you were going to give her a second chance!"
"y/n i never said any of that." the rage has lifted slightly now, replaced with confusion.
you're breathing heavily, tired from arguing, you and sana had more fights these few weeks that you've been filming than you've had your entire lives together.
you tap out of your messaging app, going to tiktok and searching up last night's bachelorette episode, scrolling past all the funny jacky moments and amusement park shorts, trying to find the part where jihyo and sana were talking. someone had to have posted about it.
"are you serious right now? are you fucking texting miyeon while we're talking?"
"what?! no! sana i told you miyeon and i are just friends! i'm trying to find a clip of you and jihyo last night to show you what i'm talking about!" you find one then and quickly hold it out for sana to see.
she watches the clip replay a few times while you wait defiantly.
after the seventh replay you take your phone back, sighing when you think she has nothing to say for herself.
ây/nâŚâ
âwant to explain yourself now? anything else you wanna divulge while youâre at it?â
âwhat? no y/n i didnât say any of that. they edited that together. i didnât say any of that to jihyo i promise.â
you look at her in confusion, looking back to your phone, and then back to her.
âi did pull jihyo aside and we did talk but i never told her that i didn't get over her. y/n you have to believe me baby i- i can call the producers right now, they'll clear everything up." she's reaching for her phone, but the immense relief that she doesn't still have feelings for jihyo washes over you and brings you to action. moving around the counter and taking her phone from her and wrapping her in a hug.
she stills against you, and you're both surprised when you feel your own tears falling down your face, the tension of the night finally getting to you.
"y/n..."
"i'm sorry. i'm sorry i do believe you. this all seems so silly now i hate when we fight. i overreacted with the whole jihyo thing and it could've been solved so easily if i'd just talked to you instead of..."
sana softens against you, wrapping her arms around your waist and carding a hand through your hair. "it's okay baby. i'll talk to the producers tomorrow and make sure they don't pull anything like that again. and after the home visits i promise jihyo is the one who'll be going home."
you sniffle a little, "you don't have to do that for me sana. i swear i was just being..."
"hmm?"
"i don't know i'm tired sana. can we go to bed?"
she hums against you, pulling you both towards the bathroom for your nighttime routines. once you're done, you're climbing into sana's bed and picking up your phone again, scrolling back to your messages with miyeon while waiting for sana to finish her routine and join you.
y/n: heyy sorry i just got my phone back, sana's had it the last few hours because i left it behind so if i seemed weird over text it's because she was messaging you
miyeon: oh it's okay! i did think you sounded a bit off but i just chalked it up to u not feeling well or something. was sana mad when she found out we were texting?
y/n: đ how did you know?
miyeon: well i was on the receiving end of her jealousy when she texted me today so that was one clue đ
y/n: jealousy?
suddenly your phone starts vibrating and miyeon's name flashes across the screen. you pick up hesitantly, "hello?"
"y/n! hey! it's good to actually hear your voice again!"
you chuckle a little, "you too princess. what's up?"
"nothing really, i just wanted to see where your head's at with sana now."
"what do you mean?"
"remember the conversation we had the night i got kicked out? while you were drunk?"
you squint a little, shuffling around in the sheets, "kinda... why?"
"i noticed the way you looked at her, the way you talked about her, even on the first night i think the reason why no one suspected that you weren't just a regular contestant was because i thought, we all thought you also felt the same way we did for sana."
"w-what?"
"you might not have realised it... but i think you were beginning to see it when filming started. do you get jealous when you see sana with the other contestants?"
"i- well- i mean i kinda just thought i was friend jealous though. or like that i just wanted the best for her which was why i was so harsh on contestants in the beginning."
"the way you talk about her over text sounds like its more than that y/n."
"i don't- what- i'm not jealous-"
you barely register that sana's finished with her routine now, sliding into bed next to you and cuddling up immediately. "what are you jealous about?"
you freeze, looking at her like you've been caught with your hand in the cookie jar in the middle of the night.
"is that sana?" you're broken out of it quickly when you hear miyeon's voice over the phone.
sana bristles though, moving away from you and frowning, "are you on the phone with miyeon?"
"i- yeah-"
sana's snatching the phone out of your hand instantly, bringing it up to her ear and speaking into the microphone with a cold sneer, "yes this is sana. can i help you?"
you can't hear miyeon respond but the way sana's speaking sends a lightning rod of arousal down your spine. your mind is still hazy with what miyeon's suggested, and you're thinking about how you hated seeing sana kiss wonsik, how blinded you felt when you thought sana still liked jihyo, what could this mean? how long have you liked sana for? has it always been this way?
you don't realise that sana's features have become less defensive as she talks to miyeon, almost apologetic even when she settles back down next to you, humming in response to something miyeon's said over the phone. she's within proximity again that you can make out miyeon's voice.
"-but i hope you've been doing well and taking care of yourself with all the craziness that comes along with filming."
"yeah thank you miyeon. really. and again i'm so sorry for all the misunderstandings and i hope you know that eliminating you was definitely a mistake and it was very short-sighted of me but i'm glad that we've finally had a chance to talk where i'm not completely hostile to you."
you can hear the airy giggle of miyeon over the phone, "of course! all the best with the rest of the season sana. maybe we'll see each other on the other side."
sana smiles, "definitely. goodnight miyeon!"
she hangs up and hands your phone back to you, going right back to cuddling as if nothing had happened.
you're trying to pick out what part of that conversation that you overheard bothered you when it hits. "eliminating miyeon was a mistake?" was this the jealousy again?
"weren't you the one saying that?" sana raises an eyebrow at you, brushing her fingers over your side.
"well- i-"
she's giggling now, "i'm just kidding. miyeon just put to rest everything that was on my mind so i have nothing to worry about. i'm sorry for overreacting when i found out you were texting her. you're allowed to have friends, sorry i was trying to micromanage that."
"what was on your mind?"
"hmm y'know... you mostly."
you whine, hitting her lightly while she laughs at you.
"she told me you were just friends and she never meant to make it seem like it was anything else. she also helped me... come to terms with a few things so i'm actually very grateful for that."
"what things?"
"so many questions y/n. are you worried i'm about to steal her away from you?" sana teases.
"what? no! stop teasing-"
she grins, poking your cheek, "i'm keeping that to myself for now okay? i'll probably tell you one day. just not today."
"why not?"
"just because." she smiles, "now let's sleep."
you grumble a little, confused at what miyeon could have told sana, confused with what miyeon told you. there was one thing you did want to test out though...
you lean in quickly and capture sana's lips, taking her a little by surprise but she's quick to reciprocate, closing her eyes and kissing you back.
you're aggressive, climbing on top of her quickly and licking into her. you're trying to figure out if kissing her made you feel anything more. anything that could clue you in on your true feelings for her.
she's breaking away from you panting though, pushing you back slightly when you try to chase after her again, "woah y/n baby baby slow down- what's got you all in a rush?"
your eyes are dark as you look down at her, friends don't normally feel like the world would end if they stopped kissing right? you needed to be back on her, in her, needed to feel her around you, needed to taste her, needed to memorise every single sound she made, you needed her. that was more than just lust right?
"just- just need you please-" you're leaning back in, almost begging.
"no- no y/n stop. tell me what's going on, you're not normally like this."
you groan, head falling to her shoulder, slumping against her. "something stupid miyeon said..." you mumble into her shoulder.
"what did she say?"
you huff against her, "that i had feelings for you."
you hear the gasp sana lets out, her hands at your waist tightening their hold and you groan into her, grinding down a little at the feeling.
she stills you though, hands sliding down to grip your hips, "stop that." her voice is harsh, and you're reminded of the way she talked to miyeon over the phone, all cold and annoyed. it only makes you drip more at the tone of her voice and you whimper a little.
"do you?"
"do i what?" you're distracted, wanting only to kiss her again.
"do you have feelings for me?"
you sigh, "don't know- that's what i'm trying to figure out."
"how are you trying to figure it out?"
"kissing you. touching you. seeing if all of it made me feel something more."
"something more?"
"i don't know. something other than horny."
sana hums before finally loosening her grip. "okay. try it. just promise me you'll tell me what you think afterwards?"
you're quick to latch onto her lips again, mumbling yes and thank you into her.
she bucks her hips up against you and you moan. she was finally giving into her feelings and letting you do what you wanted, expressing herself freely.
âcan you- mmf- can you-â
âwhat what is it baby? what do you need?â
âcan you- be mad at me?â
sheâs kissing down your neck, nipping slightly as you grind down into her, âiâm not mad at you. we talked about this just then baby.â
âno- i need- can you pretend to be mad?â
sheâs licking up to your ear, âi donât understand baby. can you elaborate?â
âf-fuck sana- can you- just imagine i did like miyeon and i wanted to fuck her-â
youâre scared you said the wrong thing and ruined the mood when she stills under you. then all of a sudden sheâs rolling you over and straddling your hips, lips and teeth back at the sensitive parts on your neck. âyou like it when iâm mad?â
âg-god yes sana please-â
âwhore. you want me to mark you up? make sure everyone knows your mine? mine to ruin?â
âyes yes sana please-â
you moan when you feel her sucking at your collarbone, intending on doing exactly that.
"off." her hands are at the bottom of your shirt tugging, and you scramble up, almost knocking your forehead against hers in haste, you'd laugh but you were so pent up you couldn't think about anything other than her fucking you all night long.
her hands are cold when she slides them up your stomach, cupping your tits and you shiver at the feeling.
"trying to piss me off on purpose bringing up her name into this hm? after we just made up too." she squeezes and you gasp into her, nipples hard against her palms as she runs a thumb over the tip.
"think my pretty baby's going to come for anyone else?" she circles a nipple leaving you twitching, "i'm going to ruin you so that everytime you even come close to coming in the future, you'll only be able to think about me."
she's licking a trail down the middle of your chest, before sucking marks into the sides of your breasts, avoiding your nipples, only tracing them lightly with the tip of her thumb.
you're squirming around under her, begging and crying, eyes clenched shut, hand drifting down towards your folds, trying to alleviate some of the pressure that's built up.
she snatches your hand quickly and pins it above your head, "don't even fucking think about it."
you whine under her, trying to pull away from her grip but she has you completely under her control.
"don't do that baby. you asked for this didn't you? you're going to be a good girl and take it now." her lips come back down on your other tit, sucking and licking again, you're grinding up into nothing, stuck with the feeling of your own sticky arousal.
"p-please sana need- please- more-"
"what do you need baby? this?" she takes a nipple into her mouth then, sucking gently and flicking over it with her tongue, then popping it out of her mouth, "or this?" a hand trails lower, thumbing the waistband of your pyjama bottoms. "maybe this?" a knee comes up then, pressing right where you need her most and youâre moaning against her.
"g-god sana- fuck- all- all of it- god i need all of it-"
"be more specific sweetie. you can do it. c'mon now."
"f-fuck need you to fuck me like you said you would. need to feel your fingers inside me, your mouth wrapped around my clit, your hands gripping my ass so hard it'll leave behind handprints. just need you sana please- please-"
"mmm that's a good girl. begging for me like the slut you are. because you were so pretty i'll give you that. but you gotta talk me through it okay? if you stop i'll stop and i'm going to go fuck myself in your bed and leave you here for the rest of the night."
you whimper, nodding your head.
"words baby."
"yes, yes yes god please just-"
she smirks and then she's back at your nipples, fully sucking on them now and pulling your bottoms off along with your panties, immediately swiping a finger through your wetness. the sudden change from feeling nothing to feeling everything be stimulated was almost too much but also exactly what you needed.
"god sana please- inside- need you inside."
she's pushing one finger in and you feel yourself clench around her, already so close, desperate for her. suddenly you're remembering your actual task, but before you can formulate another thought she's pulling out and thrusting back in with another finger.
"god you're so wet for me baby. how long have you been thinking about this hm?"
"i- fuck- i'm never not thinking about you sana."
sana hums, keeping a slow, languid pace, "is that helping with your little mission tonight?"
"i- w- fuck sana faster please-"
"answer the question first."
"f-fuck i- i don't know- i c-can't think- please-"
she's pulling out and removing herself from you so that none of your skin is touching anymore.
"now? now can you think?"
"sana please fuck- yes! yes it's helping everything is helping please just need you back-" you're making grabby hands at her, trying to pull her back so you can feel her against you again.
she obliges, pushing back into you and humming, "that's a good girl."
"thank you- god sana- thank you- mm fuck thank you-" you're babbling, barely making sense when she speeds up, curling her fingers inside you just the way she knows you like, and rubbing her thumb along your clit each thrust inside.
soon enough, you're coming around her, her name and curses spilling out of your mouth but she's not done. she's crawling down your body, marking almost every inch of skin she can get her mouth on, and then latching onto your clit and sucking, fingers still pounding into you.
"f-fuck! sana! 's too much! f-fuck-"
she only hums against you, the vibrations against your clit only tightening the coil in your belly once more and the overstimulation is too much and you feel yourself coming again.
she's pulling out and you think she's finished but she flips you onto your stomach, slipping a pillow under you to lift your ass up, hands gripping the cheeks and spreading them apart, just like how you had begged her to. but then her fingers are prodding at your entrance again and she slides in, and this angle is so much deeper and you cry out, muffled against the sheets, trying to squirm away from her but she's got your ass right where she wants you.
she's leaning down, pushing in and out of you again, you can feel her chest against your back, the fact that she's still wearing her top fleetingly crosses your mind but you can still feel her hardened nipples against your skin, you arch back into her.
"my baby's not done yet. you're going to give me another one. and another one. until you've finished your little experiment right?"
you're sobbing into the sheets, the delightful mixture of pleasure and pain running through your body, your hyperaware of every single movement, every single place your skin touches, every breath she takes as she ruts her fingers into you.
you feel your third orgasm coming up when a hand is snaking a way back up your body, pinching roughly at your nipples before closing around your throat. you gulp and clench even harder around her fingers when she squeezes her hand lightly, moaning your approval.
"yeah? you like that slut?"
"y-yes o-oh god fuck- sana- fuck-"
she's squeezing tighter now and the pressure is perfect, the lightheadedness from the cutoff of oxygen combined with the overstimulation and you're coming again, thrashing into her as she releases you slowly, heaving in air as specks of black dot your vision.
you feel almost numb when she slides the pillow out from under you, turning you slightly so she can kiss you gently, and you moan at the taste of yourself on her tongue.
she's slipping a leg between yours when you realise that she's taken off her bottoms, and you gasp when the feeling of her wetness glides against your clit.
you whimper against her lips, "sana..."
"shhhh baby one more."
you're helpless against her, whining and pushing yourself into her, relishing the way her breath catches and she moans when your clits drag along each other. she's got one hand at your tit again, pinching a nipple and you need to feel more of her so you slide a hand up her top, grasping at her breast and moaning when she rocks against you just a little harder at the feeling.
your lips never leave each other, even when you're so blissed out you're just panting into her mouth, rutting against her. you're not even thinking straight when you mumble the words, slurred together and mixed with curses, but sana still catches it. "i love you."
she stops immediately, leaving you humping her like a dog, panting into her wondering why she's stopped.
she's gripping your hips, stilling you, eyes wide, "what did you just say?"
"i love you sana fuck- please- please let me come again please-"
her eyes study you, half-dazed, and then suddenly she's rutting against you again, your hands tighten around her tits just to be able to hold onto something because she's pushing against you and you're so close and her hands are basically moving your hips against hers without you even doing anything, she's moaning into your mouth, caught in her own pleasure and it's all too much when you feel her tighten her legs around you, coming with a whine and shaking, you come again, eyes closing and feeling the wave of pleasure wash over your body, twitching lightly against her in the aftershock.
when you pull apart your legs are sticky and filthy and hers aren't much better, stained with your essence, you can't even open your eyes, just letting her plant light kisses across your face and neck, holding her against you and learning to breathe again.
when she kisses your eyelids you manage to peek open, staring at her in wonder.
"did you mean it?" her eyebrows are slightly furrowed, hair sticking to her forehead, bottom lip protruding a little in a pout.
you were overcome with pleasure and overstimulation, but you remember everything you said. "i did. i love you. i'm sorry it took this long to realise it."
she sighs, eyes tearing up, "i love you too idiot."
"what about the season?"
"we'll figure that out later. let me clean you up and we can cuddle and sleep?"
you hum, whining when she leaves you to grab a damp towel, missing her warmth already. it felt painful to be without her. every second you spent apart, you were thinking about her, you can't help but laugh at how stupid you've been. you've been in love with sana for the better half of your life, you were determined to make it up to her. to show her just how much you loved her. just how much you needed her in your life.
you smile happily when she comes back, bringing her into a sweet kiss and letting her wipe at your legs. you were so, utterly, in love with her, and you finally realised it.
#sana#twice sana#minatozaki sana#sana x reader#twice x reader#sana imagines#twice imagines#sana smut#twice smut#sana x f!reader#sana x fem!reader#twice x f!reader#twice x fem!reader#dovveri
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It's home cinema manufacturing time! đ´ââ ď¸ Gonna put my pirate show on my shelf! (I'm doing an Arts and Crafts Project and I'm making it everyone's problem.)
After seeing how much they cost, I abandoned the idea of getting a Blu-ray writer for now. For the time being, good old DVDs is what it's going to be! My TV is old and not very big, so DVD resolution is gonna be fine.
It's been ages since I last burned a DVD. For the full experience, I'm gonna create nice menus and pretty sleeves for the boxes. Graphic design is my passion! Um.
Well. First needed to find a program to do stuff with. I'm a Linux guy, so I'm using Devede. (Which is free, btw. In case someone else wants to do a low cost spot of putting pirate show on the shelf.)
DVDs fit a maximum of 120 minutes of video. So, four episodes, I thought. But after a quick attempt, the program refused to do more than three (maybe because of the menu also taking up space, and four episodes cutting pretty close to the 120 min mark?). Anyway, three episodes per disc it is. It's a pretty nice runtime for watching the entire disc, IMO. An hour and a half, and then you can return to reality to realise you should probably eat something, or go to bed because it's midnight.
OFMD with its current two seasons has a total of eighteen episodes, which is divisible by three. You get the following setup:
Disc 1: Pilot, A Damned Man, The Gentleman Pirate - That's pretty good, Stede's introduction to piracy all on one disc!
Disc 2: Discomfort in a Married State, The Best Revenge is Dressing Well, The Art of Fuckery - All bangers. Great to watch together, our boys meet and shenanigans happen!
Disc 3: This is Happening, We Gull Way Back, Act of Grace - Many romantic moments, lots of great scenes, shit hits the fan at the end there. Alright!
Disc 4: Wherever you go, there you are, Impossible Birds, Red Flags - ... Pain and angst! What have I done!?! The disc of horrors. Gotta make sure to have tissues at hand when I watch this. But hey, it also has messy bun Ed! Small mercies.
Disc 5: The Innkeeper, Fun and Games, The Curse of the Seafaring Life. - Another disc with all winners. I love all these episodes so much! (You can watch this disc to recover from the trauma of the previous one!) But seriously, this one slaps.
Disc 6: Calypso's Birthday, Man on Fire, Mermen - Great combination again. Season finale! Love and excitement!
... Honestly, except for the psychological damage of putting all the most painful episodes together, this is coming out pretty cool. Says a lot about how good the show is. I actually really love all the episodes (yes even the painful angsty episodes of massive depression). Thinking about this little project really reminded me how much I love this entire show.
So, we got a tracklist, now menus, then we can burn this stuff!
I did the menu backgrounds in GIMP. Realised I have a big folder full of screenshots I took myself, screenshots someone else took and posted on Tumblr, official promo pics for the show, and I have no idea anymore where most of them are from, because I named the files according to what's on them. Which is useful for when you want to find pics (Need a picture of cursed suit Stede? I have files named that, easy peasy!), but not so great if you wanted to give credit to whoever took a given pic you used. (It's probably @sherlockig or @ofmd-ann or @blakbonnet. Please feel credited, your beautiful screens and gifs brighten my day, and some of them are now probably part of my DVD menus. Shrunk down and cropped, but, yeah.)
I originally wanted to structure my menus as having the title of an episode, then some pics from it, then the next episode, then pics from that, and so forth, but I couldn't convince the program to give me the necessary padding between the menu items, so I ended up just putting the episode images below the menu. Still like it.
Anyway, DVD menus can also play sound! Behold a crappy video of my beautiful creation (provided entirely for sound):
It plays Gnossienne N°5!
More crappy pics of my other disc menus:
Gonna make them some nice sleeves next. Some day. Gotta make sure they all work properly first. So. I'll be on my sofa, watching my DVDs. With menus! (Edit: here are!)
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I have been struggling with whether or not to talk about why I've not been updating much lately. On one hand, I know I don't owe anybody anything. This is not my job, I do this for my own enjoyment and I am entitled to post as often or infrequently as I like. On the other hand, I am addicted to Explaining Things, that's why I'm planning to write 300k words about an old TV show I really like. So here, here are the reasons. I'm hoping that by writing them down my brain will stop latching onto them as sources of anxiety. 1) I got a job that I care about. I won't tell you what I do, but I will tell you that I work in a hospital. It takes a lot of mental energy, and unlike previous jobs, I no longer have the time or inclination to sneakily write essays in my downtime. Which sucks. I hate caring about the thing I'm paid for. It leaves less care for the things I'm not paid for.
2) Speaking of getting paid - I cancelled my ko-fi a few months ago. As much as I truly felt supported and humbled by the people who gave my money, I think it didn't help. Writing began to feel like something I owed the people who gave me money, rather than something I was doing because I wanted to.
3) I got into a polyamorous relationship. You ever tried to have free time while polyamorous? 'Nuff said.
4) I introduced one of my (then) partners to Buffy, and we ended up watching S3 while I was also trying to write about S3. I ended up oversaturated on S3. The most fun I had writing the earlier essays was when new ideas would hit me as I was watching. S3 doesn't feel as fresh to me, and so I don't feel eager to get to it.
5) In regards to S3, I've definitely been putting a lot of pressure on myself to say something particularly interesting and unique about it, since it is, you know, The Faith Season, and I have been branded The Faith Explainer. It's a lot of pressure for something that objectively does not matter at all. But that's anxiety disorders for you.
6) I have started new hobbies, new sports, and regular therapy. Which is all wonderful and has enriched my life, but it takes up free weekends rather quickly.
7) Speaking of therapy - you know that tweet that's like "I started new meds and now I'm not obsessed with BTS anymore"? There's a little of that going on I'm not going to lie.
8) Hyperfixations change and apparently I have not been fixating on Buffy for a little while. It's a lot easier to sink hours and hours into something when your brain has decided that that is all it wants to sink its time into.
9) I had major surgery 18 months ago and that has not not been a factor.
10) This post, I got three paragraphs into the Consequences essay and then decided to start Posting. I don't control these things.
11) ANXIETY
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This Week in BL - new entries upset the rankings
Organized, in each category, with ones I'm enjoying most at the top.
April 2024 Wk 2
Ongoing Series - Thai
City of Stars (Fri iQIYI) ep 11 of 12 - Like most Thai BL pulps, this show doesnât have much story to it. But I'm discovering that what it does have I actually really enjoy. I love that the gay boys got to play matchmaker for a change and I like how just GAY they are. It's nice. Refreshing.
We Are (Weds GMMTV iQIYI) ep 1-2 of 16 - University ensemble BL featuring PondPhuwin, WinnySatang, AouBoom, MarcPawinPoon. I like it. Itâs old school Thai BL, but having fun with itself and its tropes. Iâm not expecting much, so I donât mind it waffling. All the couples are comfy. Chemistry is okay. Friendships are nifty. I like Pond's floppy hair. We fine.Â
Two Worlds (Thurs IQIYI) ep 5 of 10 - What an extremely bloody episode. And bad guy turned out to be very bad indeed. And now pretty much everyone is dead. Nice kiss. Of course.Â
Deep Night (Thurs iQiyi) ep 6 of 8 - Itâs cute, they happy, not a ton happened. Random gratuitous bathing. As you do in BL. And I still think the sides should just end up in a thrupple
Only Boo! (Sun YouTube) ep 2 of 12 - Oh they very cute. Also very silly.Â
1000 Years Old (Thurs iQIYI) ep 9 of 12 - No. NOT THE GUITAR. YES abandon guitar for the sniff test! Love this for them. And me. My most favorite trope defeated my least favorite trope. VICTORY!!! Â
Ongoing Series - Not Thai
Unknown (Taiwan Tues YouTube & Viki) ep 8 of 11 - Itâs just so good. Baby went away, grew up, and learned how to become a temptation... and a husband.Â
Gray Shelter AKA Gray Currents (Korea Thurs iQIYI) 1 of 5 eps - SooHyuk, only just surviving, reunites with YoonDae, his (brief) younger stepbrother who feels abandoned. They end up living together. The younger brother is played by Lee Jae Bin of Choco Milk Shake. OMG. STEPBROTHERS TROPE. Lucky me! Two in one season. Yay!!!! It's Korea so great visuals too. I shallow but yeah, this is great.
Living With Him AKA Kare no Iru Seikatsu (Japan Thurs Gaga) ep 1 of 10 - Kindly Ryota goes off to uni only to find his new roommate is his childhood bestie, Kazuhito. Kazuhito doesnât have a girlfriend and Ryota tries to help him figure out why. Same director as Old Fashion Cupcake. Itâs utterly charming. I am charmed. Also the framing is gorgeous (of course). Very stylish.
Love is Better the Second Time Around AKA Koi wo Suru nara Nidome ga Joto (Japan Weds Gaga) ep 6fin - I donât know. Kind of a flat ending with the leads apart for most of it. I enjoyed this show but it never really hit with me.Â
Summation
After a teen betrayal and resulting separation a reporter reunites with his first love. That love wants him back. I enjoyed the authenticity of a reunion romance explored in Japan's quintessentially contemplative yet surreal way. The juxtaposition of the tenderness of the sex scenes with this Japanese style of authenticity was oddly elegant but all in all this still fell a little flat for me. There's nothing objectively wrong with it, but in total the narrative felt sluggish and the main couple were just... stiff (in the wrong way). Frankly, I'd rather just rewatch Tokyo in April is. 8/10
Love is like a Cat (Korea Mon Viki) eps 3-4 of 12 - What is going on with this show? No, I get the plot. I just don't get the show or why Iâm watching it. Annoying.Â
It's done, but I suck
What Did You Eat Yesterday Season 2 AKA Kinou Nani Tabeta? Season 2 (Japan Gaga) 10 eps
To Be Continued (Sat C3 Thailand grey) ep 7-8fin - I can't for the life of me find the final 2 episodes. Haven't had a real hunt, but yeah. No dice so far.
It's airing but...
Takumi-kun Series 6: Nagai Nagai Monogatari (Japan Furritsubs) eps 1-? of 10 - I may wait and binge it.
Lady Boy Friends (Thai WeTV grey) 16 eps - reminds me a bit too much of Diary of Tootsies only high school. Not my thing. DNF unless it turns a corner and is truly amazing.
Kiseki Chapter 2 (Sun iQIYI) 6 eps - Itâs so boring DNFed at 2.
Close Friend Season 3: Soju Bomb! (Weds iQIYI) 6 - The problem with situational comedy BL is it must be situational, comedic and a BL. This show gets 1 of 3 claims correct. 33% is not a passing grade. Dropped at 3.
Memory in the Letter (Thai WeTV) - only 4 eps, tell me if I should bother?
Next Week Looks Like This:
4/18 At 25:00 in Alaska AKA 25 Ji Akasaka de (Japan Thurs Gaga) 10 eps - Yuki lands his first starring role in a BL drama alongside superstar Asami (previously his senior at uni). Said superstar suggests they form a sham relationship until filming concludes. As they actually begin to fall in love, the spotlight begins to burn. I think I've seen this before (joke) and also the trailer doesn't inspire confidence.
Still to Come in April
4/25 Boys Be Brave! AKA Roommates (Korea Thurs Viki) 8 eps - Trailer Jung Ki Sub is Kim Jin Woo's slacker friend - and secret crush. So when Ki Sub crashes at his place, his heart tingles to be near him everyday. But as the short stay turns into permanent mooch, how long can Jin Woo keep his true feelings under wraps and hold back from confessing?
4/26 My Stand-In (Thai iQIYI) 12 eps - adaptation of Chinese novel "Professional Body Double" by Shui Qiang Cheng. Stars Up (Lovely Writer) and Poom (Bake Me Please) directed by the same team as KP (not a recommendation IMHO - my biggest criticism of that show was the clashing directing styles). This one looks complicated, lemme try: Joe is a stuntman for famous actor Tong. Joe falls in love with Ming but Ming sees Joe as nothing more than a Tong-replacement. After learning this horrible truth, Joe dies. Joe then wakes up in the body of another man also named Joe. He manages to rebuild the same life as beforeâwith the same people eventually re-meeting Ming. Ming wants Joe back but Joe doesn't understand why. But Ming seems to know what's going on and wants to give him some kind of explanation.
I'm exhausted just trying to describe the plot.
Knock-Knock Boys (Thai WeTV) - 4 college friends conspire to help their friend lose his virginity. Familiar faces like Seng (yes, Billy's previous pairing) and Best, news here. But will it actually air this month?
Upcoming BLs for 2024 are listed here. This list is not kept updated, so please leave a comment if you know something new or RP with additions.
NOTE: It looks like one of my personal favorites of last year Unintentional Love Story is getting a spin off!
THIS WEEKâS BEST MOMENT
Sniff test turning into a make out sesh? Please and thank you. City of Stars
(Last week)
Streaming services are listed by how I (usually) watch, which is with a USA based IP, and often offset by a day because time zones are a bother.
The tag BLigade: @doorajar @solitaryandwandering @my-rose-tinted-glasses @babymbbatinygirl @babymbbatinygirl @isisanna-blog @mmastertheone @pickletrip @aliceisathome @urikawa-miyuki @tokillamonger @rocketturtle4 @blglplus @anythinggoesintheshire @everlightly
If ya wanna be tagged each week leave a comment and I will add you to the template. Easy peesy.
#this week in BL#review Love is Better the Second Time Around#Koi wo Suru nara Nidome ga Joto#BL updates#Two Worlds#We Are the series#Only Boo!#Deep Night#City of Stars#Unknown the series#Gray Shelter#Living With Him#Kare no Iru Seikatsu#1000 Years Old#At 25:00 in Alaska#25 Ji#Akasaka de#Love Is like a Cat#BL series review#upcoming BL#BL news#BL reviews#BL gossip#Thai BL#Japanese BL#live action yaoi#Taiwanese BL#Koren BL#BL starting soon#BL coming soon
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yesss we want the elvira x eddie
This has been on my list since season 4 came out... Forgive me for writing it 2-3 years later (how long has it been since season 4 came out? Feels forever ago)
Happy spooky season! I miss writing for these characters
â
In girl world, Halloween is the one night a year when a girl can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.Â
Early in October, you decided to test the waters by making Eddie watch a movie with a character you had been thinking of dressing up as this Halloween. Witches were always your favorite, but you wanted to see his reaction first, see if he would like it.Â
Although you doubted this character left any men unbothered.
Your dress was a little risquĂŠ, the deep plunging neckline making the girls shine. It took a few trials and errors to get the makeup right, but you finally got it and made your way to Eddieâs house. His jaw was going to drop.Â
When he opened the door and saw the Mistress of the Dark standing there, he nearly choked. ââJesus Christ," he breathed, the sight making blood rush south.
A smile of satisfaction bloomed on your lips. ââMy appearance is kind of a shock to everybody.ââ
Eddie quickly pulled you inside, not wishing for his perverted neighbor to use you as material to rub his cock and saggy balls. Those tits were his to stare at and touch and suckâŚand fuck.
ââAre you trying to kill me looking like that?'' He lets out a low whistle as his gaze continues to roam over your figure.Â
You leaned in closer, letting your voice drop to a sultry purr. ââI thought of wearing her spider bra with the tassels, but figured that might actually kill you on the spot.ââÂ
Eddieâs eyes darkened, and a grin tugged at the corners of his lips. ââThe spider bra?!ââ he repeated, vividly remembering the specific scene from the movie where Elvira wears it. ââFuck.ââÂ
ââI even practiced the twirling she does with it,ââ you added, a wicked glint in your eyes.
Eddie groaned. ââIâm gonna have that image in my head all nightâŚââ He moved closer to you and gently placed his hands on your hips as he looked down at you, a smirk on his lips as he imagined you in the spider bra. ââDo we have to go to Harringtonâs party?ââ Â
He would much rather stay here and have you to himself. The costume could stay on, he can work around that.
ââOf course we do, we promised Steve weâd be there,ââ you said, taking Eddieâs hands off your body so he wouldnât try to convince you to stay in. ââAnd I told Robin I would help her with Vickie. I canât let her down.ââ
Eddie groaned once more. He felt like a child who got told ânoâ after asking if they can get dessert before supper.Â
ââI didnât say we canât find a room at Steveâs and have someâŚfright-night fun.ââÂ
Your voice was laced with a suggestive promise, which made the corner of Eddieâs mouth curl in anticipation. ââNow, youâre talking, Mistress of the Dark,ââ he breathed, leaning in, his lips hovering just a breath away from yours.
But before he could kiss you, you slipped from his grasp and took a step back. ââWhereâs your costume? Steve said it was mandatory.ââÂ
Eddie, still in his regular band tee shirt and jeans, held up a Michael Myers mask and pointed at a lump of blue on the couch. ââHere.ââÂ
You raised an eyebrow, crossing your arms as you gave him a once-over. ââYour work mechanic overalls and a Michael Myers mask? Thatâs the lowest effort oneâs ever made for a Halloween costume,ââ you scoffed, shaking your head.Â
A creative person like Eddie could have done so much better. A few weeks ago, he talked about being Aragorn from Lord of the Rings. He would have looked damn good as a rugged ranger, with a sword and medieval warrior attire. Maybe then you would have agreed to skip Steveâs party.Â
He rolled his eyes. ââOh come on, itâs not that bad. Michael Myers is a classic, babe.ââÂ
Halloween and its antagonist were a cult classic, but costume wise, it was unoriginal. Thereâs probably going to be at least three other Michael Myers at the party.Â
ââIf by classic you mean a very common and lazy costume, I agree.ââ You grabbed the overalls and pushed them at Eddieâs chest. ââNow, hurry and put it on. I need to get there before Robin starts to drink and the word vomit gets unstoppable.ââ
â
Taglist: @broadway-or-noway @violetsleftfist @thelaststraw3  @cursedandromedablack  @Slashersimpfor  @savagejane1  @wh0reforbucknasty  @eddiemunson-slut  @slvdsjjk  @hehehehannahthings  @dreamdancers-world  @eddiemunsonbby  @notbeforelong  @lexi-2004 @violetrainbow412-blog  @tatespillows  @alwayslexii  @lilygreennn  @milkiane  @imahomeslice  @bunnygrl16 @cwritesforfun @marauders3rawh0re  @your-mom21 @parkersmyth @voguesir @milkiane @andrewgarfields-girlfriend @lilygreennn @alexxavicry @charlie-chick  @wandamaximoffs-deadchild  @horrorstreet  @rmeddar123  @pastel-abyss-x @lil-tracys  @luvmybbies  @chloepricesgrafitimarker  @inluvweddiemunson @i-like-trains @kittenfrostt @simp-for-slasher @m-rae23 @kenzi-woycehoski @amberputh  @sea040561 @wayfaring----stranger @amberputh @starstruckspring @nluvwitheddiemunson @yourfavoriteakutagawakinnie @kiszkathecook @Original_babababoo @kittenfrostt @yourfavdummy @kenzi-woycehoski @violetsleftfist
Eddie Munson taglist: @nighttwingg @yourfavoriteakutagawakinnie @heizenka @eddiemvunsongf @Eddie_munsons_girlfriend @magicalchocolatecheesecake @eddiemunsonistheloveofmylife @avril-reblog-cave @Fandomfaeryreads @harrys-tittie @straycatarang @fourlokiss  @eddiemattress  @ghoulishlygrey  @paola-carter @bubsonnobx @pauldanoswifereal @ofherscarlettwitchways @kiszkathecook  @truewdw1 @bubsonnobx @ohhrexella @Dreamtiara @pastelbabygirl19  @steves-robin @eddiemunsonbby @jenlouvre @bonked-beyond-belief2  @tvserie-s-world @bootlegmothman420 @courtmr @chrisxevans-seb @satinselenite @thikkiesixx  @jennilynn63  @nia-um  @welcometohellfirw @strangermarvelgirl @sugar-simz @fandomloversvaries @miakatharinaa  @julsss321 @m1rkw00dpr1ncess  @Minksblog @soph69420world  @ameliakf13 @nancewheelersworld @parasadic-blog @nluvwitheddiemunson @veniceb1tch88 @ali-r3n @Luv.eddie @stephylovesmayahawke @ruinedbythehobbit @sweetheart-im-the-boss @jusstdreaaming @hoeformunsonandhargrove @buckyswhxre @tomspidertingle @stormyparker @thechoiceslookgrimm @ilikechocolatemilkh @bbylyneth @bobafettsleftglove @princesseddie @yourfavdummy @xbreezymeadowsmunsonx @rosaliesrealwife @munsonswhore86 @eddiescvmslvt @slightlyvicked
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Chasing Storms and Finding Love. Chapter 4
Series Summary: When Tyler's baby sister joins him and his team for a season she seems to catch the eye of a certain StormPar member much to her brothers dismay... will she listen listen to her big brother or follow her heart?
Chapter Summary: Reader Tyler and the wranglers head to a country bar to celebrate Y/n first chase. Reader and Scott get closer share a dance and maybe a kissđ¤
Pairing: Scott Miller X fem!reader, Tyler Owens x sister!reader
Warnings: Sneaking around, Pissed off Tyler, Love Struck Scott, ALOTS of kissing, A little age gap, Cussing, Drinking, Storms(duh), Falling in love, Slow burn
@nikkicloudie @papichulo120627 @thespillingvoid @turnerintoabutler @lindsayjoy444
A/N: The reader was a sorority sister and I am using the same sorority and the letters as the one from the show Greek that was on years ago, just so I don't accidentally use the letters or name of a real sorority house.
With your first chase now done you sit on the tailgate of your brothers truck looking up at the sky. As the adrenaline wore off your mind was able to really absorb what you just witnessed. Yeah you saw your brothers stream his videos and pictures from inside a tornado hell you have a PhD in Meteorology, seeing it up close was something totally different. It was safe to say you wanted more!
Tyler comes over and slings his arm around you and sits down. "So what'd you think" he ask. You look over to him with a smile and tears forming "It was the most amazing incredible thing I have ever witnessed. Thank you so much TyTy" you say using the nickname you gave him when you were 3.
"Wow haven't heard that name in since you were 12" he laughs and you smack his shoulder. "I'm glad you liked it and I got to share it with my favorite little sister"
"I'm your only little sister jackass" "that's why your my favorite" you just roll your eyes and laugh.
"So I was thinking to celebrate your first chase we can go to this country bar down the street from the hotel...they have karaoke and a mechanical bull" he says knowing you can't say no to that.
"Well hell yeah let's go" you yell as you jump off the truck "but I'm showing first as beautiful as that twister was I feel gross" "that's fine get in the truck" Tyler says opening your door then doing around to get in the drivers seat.
After about an hour drive you, Tyler, Boone and the rest of the crew pull into the parking a lot of the hotel. When Tyler parks you get out you stretch your legs, out of the corner of your eye you see Scott and Javi walking over to the truck and you start to smile.
"So how you fun sweetheart" Scott ask as he gets closer, your heart flutters at the nickname and you smile.
"After Tyler fixed the drill yes it was amazing and so beautiful, it was nothing like I have ever seen before!" you beam
"Yeah we saw the stream that shit was crazy" Javi said
"Yall watched the stream really?" you say looking at Scott feeling a little embarrassed due to your freak out, but also giddy knowing Scott watched. From what you have been told Scott never watches the stream.
"Yeah of course we watched couldn't miss your first chase Dr. Owens" Javi said "Plus Scott wanted to make sure you were ok he about had a heart attack watching" he looks over to Scott and smirks. Scott's eyes go wide and his face turns beat read.
You feel the blood rushing to your cheeks knowing Scott was worried about you "You were worried about me" you say softly with a smile
"Well...you know...driving straight into a tornado...isnt umm safe..." Scott is stumbling over his words but its the cutest thing you have ever seen.
"Thats sweet of you to worry" you say and shift your from one leg to another. "So we are going to this country bar down the street to celebrate my first chase if yall wanna join" You say looking in between the guy. "theres karaoke and a mechanical bull" you say in a sing song voice adding "oh and plenty of jack daniels cant forget the whiskey" you laugh
The guys look at each other and nod before Scott reply's "yeah sounds fun. What time you thinking" "Hold on let me ask Ty" say before turning around calling your brothers name.
Tyler heads you way looking at Scott then to you, "Whats up sis" "I asked Scott and Javi to join us they wanna know what time" You see your brother's eyes narrow at you and the two of you have a silent conversation you can tell he doesn't want Scott to come but he also has never been able to say no to his little sister. "I was thinking around 8 that good, gives my crew time to shower and all"
"Yeah sounds good" Javi says and Scott nods.
"Great well I'm gonna shower get all the grossness off me and get ready I'll see yall in a bit" you say with a smile letting your eyes linger on Scott for a second longer, then you head to your room, looking even more excited about tonight.
After you shower, you do your makeup in a darker smokey eye with a nude lip stick and decide to leave your hair down and just straighten it. After looking at everything you own at least 100 times you finally decide on an orange halter that ties at the waist some cut off short shorts and of course your cowgirl boots and hat. You are from Texas after all!
As youre putting the finishing touches on you hear the door and see your brother come in dressed in his cowboy getup, he got ready ready in Bonne and Dexters room to give you some privacy.
"oh hell no you better change that is so much skin and those shorts are way to short" Tyler says putting his hands on his hips trying to give you the same look yalls dad gives you.
"No this outfit is cute and I showed more skin at the longhorn games in my cheer outfit"
"Year well I didn't like that outfit either"
"You did on my ZBZ sisters" Tyler didnt have an argument and he knew it
"Fine lets go" Tyler rolls his eyes and opens the door as you grab your stuff smirking knowing you won
You get to the bar you head inside to meet everyone. Tyler had told you on the way over that his and Javi's friend Kate was coming in from NYC and her plane just landed so she would also be joining everyone.
After your hellos to the crew you head to the bar for your first drink of the night. You stand there for a few moments before the bartender comes over to get your drink order. "Can I get a double jack and coke with a lime please" The bartenders nods and lets you know he'll be back in a few. You look over to your brother and his crew and see a new girl hugging your brother, that must be Kate shes pretty you think to yourself and by the way your brother is looking at her he thinks so too.
The bartender comes back with your drink "Thats $12 miss" you reach into your pocket to pull out your card when a voice stops you "Put her drinks on my tab tonight and can I bud light in a bottle" you look over and see Scott handing the bartender his card, and oh have mercy does this man look amazing.
He's out of his white StormPar button up and blue slacks and instead wearing a tight black tee shirt with blue jeans. He's still wearing his ball cap but no sunglasses. It takes your brain to catch up to your mouth so you can speak.
"Scott thank you but you don't have to keep paying for my stuff" you say with a laugh
"I know I just wanted to buy a beautiful girl a drink" when he says that you know your blushing hard, so you look away. The bartender comes back with his beer and Scott thanks him and takes a sip and looks over to you.
Before you can say anything else to get your flirt with Scott your brother is by your side slinging his arm around your shoulder "hes such a cock block" you think to yourself. "Y/n this is Kate the friend i was telling you about, Kate this is my little sister "Dr. Y/n Owens" you roll your eyes wgen he calls you by the formal name.
"Just Y/n is fine please its nice to meet you my brother says good things about you" you see your brother blush
The four of you stand at the bar and talk( well you and Kate talk your brother and Scott just stare at each other) and finish your drinks
"Y/n" everyone turns at the sound of your name and sees Javi and Boone heading for the bar "Wanna do a shot with us toast your first chase" Javi ask. "Hell yes I never turn down a shots" you say waving the bartender over. " 6 shots of jack and can I get another jack and coke please" Y/n says, once again trying and failing to pull her card when Scott stops her.
"I told you sweetheart your drinks are on my tab tonight" you smile at the name and you hear your brother go to say something but you elbow him in the stomach then hear Boone choke on his drink laughing.
" I'm not gonna have you pay for everyone" "It doesn't matter its on me" he says and tells the bartender to once again add it to his tab.
The bartender comes back with all 6 shots and your drinks a few minutes later. You all hold up your shot glasses when Boone speaks up
"May all your ups and downs and in's and out's be under the covers bottoms up" you all laugh and do your shots
Another couple drinks later you have a little buzz going and have got more of a nerve to flirt with Scott, even with the daggers keep throwing your way.
"So Y/n T tells us you have a good voice you gonna get up there and sing for us" you here Boone ask from across the table. "I was planning to, I was queen of karaoke at the ZBZ house" "Well sis noone is up there go do your thing" Tyler says Before you can say anything the whole table is begging you to go you roll your eyes and down your drink and head to the stage
You pick your go to song (Heads Carolina, Tails California ) grab the mic, and take a deep breath its been so long but hearing your friends and brother cheering you on makes you smile. You nod your head to the DJ and the song starts
"Baby, what do you say we just get lost
Leave this one horse town like two rebels without a cause
I've got people in Boston, ain't your daddy still in Des Moines
We can pack up tomorrow, tonight let's flip a coin"
As you're signing you look and see Scott smiling from ear to ear. You wonder what he thinks of your singing voice and hoping you dont mess up. You start getting more comfortable on stage and start to add some dancing. As the last part of the song some up you hear your brother yell "Thats my sister" and you smile
"Oh, heads Carolina, tails California
Somewhere greener, somewhere warmer
Up in the mountains, down by the ocean
Where it don't matter, long as we're goin'
Somewhere together, I've got a quarter
Heads Carolina, tails California
Oh California, ooh-ooh, ooh yeah
Carolina
California"
When the song some to an end you make your way over to the table everyone giving you high fives and telling you how good you sound. You make it to your seat over by Scott and see he's smiling.
"You have a really good voice" he says as he wraps his arms around you and pulls you into a hug and you felt the butterflies go crazy.
"Thank you I guess if storm chasing doesnt work out I can always move to Nashville" you laugh.
All of a sudden the music and you hear the tunes of Dylan Scott "Can't have mine" and Scott holds his hand out to you "Can I have this dance" all you can do is not and he leads you out on the dance floor.
You and Scott dance in comfortable silence for a minute before he speaks up.
"I'm really happy you came to chase with your brother, I really like you Y/n"
"I really like you too Scott" you say before laying your head on his chest.
When the songs ends you and Scott are still dancing lost in your own little world. When you finally pull apart you look over to the table and see everyone looking with smiles on their face, well everyone but you brother who is looking like he wants to throw Scott in the middle of a tornado.
You go back to the table hand in hand with Scott. After another couple rounds everyone at the table starts to break off some going back to the hotel some playing pool and others we wont name names(Boone is trying to get someone to go home with him).
Its after 1 in the morning and you are ready to go the days events catching up to you, but your brother just started a game of 2 on 2 pool with Javi Kate and Lily so Scotts offers to take you back to the hotel. You text your brother to let him and head out to Scotts truck.
He opens the door and helps you in then goes to the drivers side. The hotel is only a few miles down the road so the trip doesn't take long, before you know it you are pulling into the parking lot. Scott parks the truck and runs to your side to help you out. The small gesture makes your heart beat faster.
Scott walks you up the stairs and to your door. You both stands there looking at each other before you break the silence. "Here take my number" Scott smiles and hands over his phone for you to put the number in, then you send yourself a text so you have his.
"I had a great time tonight and thank you for the dance and all my drinks, you're gonna have to let me pay back one day" you smile and laugh
"I'll dance with you anytime sweetheart, as for the drinks you never have to pay me back I'll buy you're drinks anytime" He says with a smile.
You unlock your door and look back at him "Good night Scott" "Good night sweetheart" he says then he leans in and presses his lips you yours.
The kiss is short and sweet and has you seeing stars. You can tell from that one kiss you want it all with this man. You pull away and smile at him as you walk into your room and close the door. You touch your lips wondering if that just really happened...Yes Yes it did.
You take off your make up brush your teeth and get ready for bed. As you are crawling under the covers you hear your phone ding..
đŠľScottyBlueEyesđŠľ: Good Night beautiful
You text him back put your phone up and turn off the light, and you go to sleep with the biggest smile. This is the start of something beautiful you just know it.
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Things I dislike while watching outer banks
- Season 4 part two
- having all the main 3 characters have bad fatherâs like itâs overused in the storytelling I just donât like itâs repetitive and the way Jj had luke being abusive to hi. Is hole life, to be only killed by his real biological father in the end like itâs just thatâs what I hate the most about the bad father plot lines shit like that
- jiara waste of time if that was how the writers were going to writer that ship in the end like the actors have zero chemistry and itâs doesnât help that part two of season 4 lacked with their scenes just a waste
- sarah pregnancy storyline I hate that the writers didnât write in about Sarah giving the baby up or getting abortion like the girl is going to be in Lisbon next season like itâs just a odd time to place to put it in Madelyn and chase really did a good job with the storyline on screen but whatâs pissed me of is that the writers made her character be pregnant only because she isnât ready to be a mother
- the writers having no LGBTQ representation I mean itâs five season in and not a single character like the show has one its main actress who is pansexual and is always open for kie to have a girlfriend but the writers just ignore and partners her character to be with Jj which ends in a disaster
- having the same plotline for Jarah in season 2/3 which is Sarah keeps going back to topper whenever her and John B have a fight like let her be her own person like the girl has gone through so much and itâs not a bad thing for character to be single makes up for it in season 4 I like chase and Madelyn chemistry it was really good
- pope and kie plot line (storyline should have ended after kie rejects pope) because wtf was that writing if the writers wanted to have kie and pope to be their main ship next to Sarah and John B like itâs was just terrible writing
- rafe getting a redemption arc possibly and Sarah forgiving rafe way to quickly, I mean he literally shot and tried to kill her by drowning her like I would have said fuck no and has tried to killed the pogues multiple times like rafe works best during his unhinged season 2 era not when he like this in season 4 like rafe going with the pogues just felt like so out of placed I hated it
- speaking on of rafe him and Sofia releationship was just so meh like I feel like the only reason why she was there was to give rafe a soft side or some shit line that like what was the point of having those two together if the writers were going to break them up like that like a waste of screentime that lead into really nothing
Thoes are the ones I can think of for know Iâll list a few mentions
- kie storyline with her parents being cut off just like that like what happened to not seeing their own kid for 18 months like huh
- big John was just stupid brining him back just to kill him of in the end like his scenes were so annoying
- the fact sarah survives a literally gun shot and John B fights of alligator and big John survives a head injury while in the ocean but Jj dies from a stab wound like the survival rates are so unrealistic in this show itâs makes me mad
- rafe melting pope family cross (like I hate rafe so much and I hate that the writers are giving him a redemption arc)
- none of the pogues caring that Groff was Jj real dad or didnât make a deal out of it like huh
- Hollis storyline in season 4 like no one in the fandom is talking about her like a waste of space
- the fact that we donât know Cleo last name
- topper coming back and out like I hate his annoying character he such a menace like not a fun one he a annoying one
- the ugly ass blue filter couldnât you all just filmed those night scenes at night like other Netflix shows do
I feel like that covers it feel free to rant about dislike in the show that yâall find annoying
#outer banks#obx#obx4#jj maybank#sarah cameron#kiara carrera#pope heyward#john b routledge#cleo outer banks#rafe cameron#jiara#jarah#cleo and pope#madelyn cline#rudy pankow#chase stokes#madison bailey#jonathan daviss#carlacia grant#drew starkey
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Hello Hello Hello!!!!
And welcome to my 12 Days Of Christmas event!!!
What is this?
Well Iâm so glad you asked!
I have four wonderful, incredible, and amazing friends (@theseusmc, @tazzomi, @valeriistars, @starrysilv3rse) I was trying to figure out how to give Christmas gifts seeing as theyâre online and I came up with this: For the 12 days leading up to Christmas Iâm posting a fic of one of their top three favourite (mcyt, because you know how we do it over here) ships! Each fic also has a âpromptâ and theyâll get more and more Christmasy as time goes on!
I felt so smart coming up with this, and honestly I still think itâs brilliant. 12/4=3 after all so really it couldnât have been more perfect! Whoever said gays canât do math was clearly wrong (lol).
To my friends: I sincerely hope you all enjoy this, it was so fun for me to create and despite how absolutely suspicious Iâve been I hope you didnât catch on too much. Iâve been excited to start posting this since right before Halloween when I came up with it on a call! I mean- it only felt right to give you guys a bunch of silly fics since Iâve become a much better writer thanks to your help. And- I know I say it all the time, but I really do love you guys so very much and I hope this silly little thing I put together can further prove just how much I mean it. You all mean the world to me <3
To everyone else: I hope you enjoy the Christmasy fics and the excitement of daily posting which is crazy! So crazy actually! Any support means the world to me and if you did enjoy, I would really appreciate either comments or reblogs on here or on AO3. Share your thoughts with me! I live for that.
Anyways, without further ado I give you:
GemPearl: Snowball Fight
For: @tazzomi
I hope you enjoy this Tazz! And if you donât, donât tell me /vsilly
(Fic underneath the cut)
âPearl, Pearl, Pearl, Pearl!â Gem runs up to her girlfriend excitedly. The Christmas season is getting underway and Hermitcraft has just seen its first snow. Snow has always been the elfâs favourite weather, and she wanted to celebrate the first snowfall with her favourite person in the whole world.
âYes, Gem?â Pearl giggles. Sheâs been waiting for Gem to come bug her all morning.
âIt snowed! It finally snowed!â she shouts excitedly as she bounces on her heels.
âIt did!â She matches Gemâs enthusiasm. Pearl watches lovingly as Gem waves her hands around in her elation. The avian thinks her girlfriend looks especially pretty in this moment, cheeks flushed pink from the cold and bundled up in her green coat. Sheâd foregone her usual skirt and swapped it for brown trousers, though she looks as beautiful as ever.
The red head takes a deep breath, the air cold in her lungs; when she breathes out itâs with a white puff. âCome celebrate with me?â she asks.
âOf course! I donât think my base is the place for it though,â Pearl smiles and reaches out to intertwine their hands.
âMy base then?â
âSounds perfect,â Pearl agrees and connects their lips for a chaste moment before they begin their short walk.
âââ
They had been enjoying the scenery for a while now, hand in hand as they meandered down the paths of Gemâs little kingdom. Itâs gorgeous like this in the snow but well- the peace could only last for so long.
Pearl gives her girlfriend an inquisitive look as she lets go of her hand. The taller watches with a small smile as Gem walks off the path and into a much snowier area. When she bends over, back to Pearl, and reaches down, she figures itâs so Gem could feel the snow in her gloved hands.
Colour Pearl surprised when Gem whips around and throws a snowball at her. It hits right in the dead center of her chest just as Gem doubles over in laughter at her shocked expression, âHa! I got you!â She teases with a shout.
After she recovers, Pearl laughs and darts somewhere opposite Gem, âOh youâre on,â She starts to make a snowball as fast as she can, but not quick enough before two more hit her in rapid succession.
Then comes Pearlâs first snowball, barely making her mark. It hits the elfâs arm and causes her to squeal. The avianâs wings flutter with her laughter, oh this is so much fun, she thinks; and quickly sets to making more snowballs.
âââ
They run around pelting snow at each other for a whole half an hour. Smiles never leaving their faces and bright laughter ringing through the area. Itâs the best way to spend a day. In the company of their other half, causing chaos, and laughing so much it hurts.
They finally pause, looking at each other with eyes full of adoration as they come down from the rush of the last while.
Though- Pearl does have one last trick up her sleeve. She inches her way steadily towards her girlfriend, trying to will her wings to keep her inconspicuous, as she throws one final snowball with all her might.
Gem doesnât notice till itâs too late, and the thing is making contact with her face. She falls to the ground, blinking a few times from the impact. It hadnât been quite hard enough to knock her to the ground, that was the shock more than anything. Sheâs giggling again soon after though, laying on the ground and letting the cold snow dampen her hair.
âOh stars! Gem! Iâm so sorry!â Pearl shouts and runs over to where the elf is lying on the ground.
As soon as Pearl is close enough Gem pulls her to the ground with her. With Pearl now over top of her and looking more concerned than she should, Gem giggles softly as she cups her face in her hands, âItâs okay! You didnât mean to. It was fun regardless.â
âBut I-â the avian frowns, the tightness of her little headwings giving away just how sorry she is.
âNuh uh,â Gem says with a fond roll of her eyes. She connects their lips shortly after, a much longer kiss than the one theyâd shared over an hour ago. The contact is a warm contrast to the cold surrounding them on all sides. Itâs nice, and they both melt into it until itâs broken by too broad smiles and⌠the trickle of something wet?
Pearlâs mouth forms an o shape as she takes in the sight of blood trickling from Gemâs nose.
âOh my stars, Gem youâre bleeding,â she whines and wipes at the trail.
âIâm fine! It couldâve been from the cold too, my nose gets dry. You know that!â She brushes it off.
âI think that means itâs time to go inside,â she Pearl sighs and gets off of Gem.
Once theyâre both standing and dusted off of snow, Pearl sweeps her into a bridal carry, ignoring Gemâs surprised squeak.
âPearl! Iâm fine!â She laughs even as she wraps her arms around her neck.
âWell what if I just wanna hold my girlfriend then, hm?â She inquires with a raised eyebrow and a partly mischievous grin.
âGuess I canât complain then,â she sighs and tries not to wipe at her nose, knowing itâll stain the white gloves sheâs wearing.
âYour place?â The brunette asks as she begins walking.
âMhm, that sounds good. Oh! We can have hot chocolate! Only way to end a snow day yâknow,â she hums and lays her head on Pearlâs shoulder. Just because sheâs a very strong woman, thank you very much, does not mean she doesnât want to be carried around by her equally strong girlfriend. That would be silly when Pearl is so warm and comfortable, god sheâs gay.
The red head giggles to herself at her own thoughts and winks when Pearl asks her about it. She mutters something along the lines of, âOh just youâ, and settles in for the short walk to her castle.
âââ
Once inside Pearl sets Gem on the couch, then briskly walks to the kitchen. Once there, she fills a kettle with water and sets it on the furnace (which had already been lit) to boil. She also dampens a towel before rejoining Gem who from the looks of it, had just taken off her coat and shoes.
Even with blood running from her poor nose sheâs the picture of beauty and elegance. Red curls tied in a braid that falls over her shoulder just right and her off the shoulder shirt that shows off the milky skin of her collarbone and chest area. When she gets closer, she sees the little gold snowflake necklace sheâd gifted her girlfriend a while before theyâd joined Hermitcraft. She loves her more than words can describe.
âCâmere,â Pearl calls softly, still in the throes of her admiration as she sits down next to Gem. She uses one hand to cup Gemâs face, and one to delicately wipe the blood from her face with the damp towel.
They both sit there in silence, just enjoying the quiet and each otherâs presence. Gemâs the one to break first, âThank you,â she murmurs, âFor hanging out with me today and just- well for everything really. I love you Pearlie.â
âI love you too Gemmy, and you donât need to thank me. I do it because I love you,â she giggles and sets the towel down so she can lean in.
Just as their lips are about to connect again, the kettle starts whistling. Pearl groans dramatically and stands, âWeâll continue this in a second,â she giggles.
After re-entering the kitchen, Pearl expertly takes two matching mugs from a cupboard and pours boiling water in each. Next, she takes chocolate powder mix and stirs both of the drinks together. After topping with marshmallows, theyâre good to go!
She takes the mugs in her hands carefully and walks back to where Gem is still sitting. Her girlfriend's eyes light up as she claps excitedly causing Pearl to smile wider. She hands her mug as soon as sheâs close enough, and before settling in herself, her mug goes on the coffee table so she can grab a blanket. The fireplace is already burning strong, but the extra fluffy blanket will be a nice layer anyways, especially seeing as they were out in the cold for so long.
Pearl lifts Gem slightly as she sits down. Once her girlfriend is comfortable in her lap, blanket covering both of their legs, and limbs all tangled together, Pearl loosely settles her wings around the both of them. She places a kiss on her cheek and finally takes her own mug in her still cold hands.
Gem hums at the taste of her hot chocolate and melts into Pearl behind her. âThis is perfect, I love you,â she says with a smile.
âI love you too, and yeah, it really is.â
They stay like that for the rest of the day, empty cups long discarded in favour of cuddling closer. Warm and safe in the arms of their lover.
#Briarâs 12 Days Of Christmas#I absolutely did not get emotional writing the To My Friends bit of this#that would be silly!#crazy even!#also! I made the little banner things myself! Theyâre so fun I think!#hermitcraft#hermitblr#hermitshipping#hermitshipblr#geminitay#pearl pearlescentmoon#pearlescentmoon#gempearl#shiny duo#fan fiction
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I think it could very well be plausible that if Chuuya died, (please Chuuya please die), Dazai would cry.
Every time I mention the possibility of Dazai crying if Chuuya died, everyone gets mad at me lol. So please let me explain myself. -This is simply my interpretation of Dazai's character, but I'm open to criticism and discussion cuz I think its fun and I like gaining new understandings of characters like that.- Also to preface this, this is my ideal situation of how Chuuya would perma die
I want Chuuya to think Dazai's dead, but the readers know he isnt, so Chuuya goes absolutely apeshit with corruption and Dazai has to watch, unable to get there in time until Chuuya's body dies. By the time Dazai gets there, he's able to turn him back in time for Chuuya to call him an idiot, and then dies in Dazai's arms For the angst, y'know? ANYWAYS
Reason 1: Dazai is a lot more emotionally there than he was when Oda died I know Dazai didn't cry when Oda died. I'm not suggesting Chuuya means more to him than Oda (I think he's important to Dazai for different reasons, not more or less important), but when Dazai was in the mafia he wasn't in a place where he was able to feel emotions. He was completely shut down and emotionless. He's been out of the mafia for 4 years, and though old habits die hard, I think you can reasonably conclude he's allowed himself to feel more. Especially with Atsushi, you can see how he's changed over the seasons. Looking back at the Dark Era is especially chilling because of this. He's found comfort and safety in good people, learned to rely on them, and overall grown "happier"
Reason 2: Dazai is scared right now. I'm fairly certain I've seen more honest expressions on his face in the recent chapters than we have in the whole series /ex Dazai is either not even bothering to hide his emotions, or he's so stressed that he cannot keep the mask up right now. Either way, he's likely scared of losing Atsushi, or Kunikida, or another person he cares about again. Intense negative emotions followed by a loss he likely isn't even considering as possibility very well could make him snap.
Reason 3: Chuuya is the last person still there who was there during the most messed up times of his life. Its not just the death of Chuuya, it would be the compounding effects of everything. Oda is dead. Ango betrayed him. He was Chuuya's safety, the one person who could bring him down and back to reality in a very literal sense, and Chuuya was the same to him, but more in regards to life and his emotions (imo). And if he died from corruption while Dazai watched, he would have failed Chuuya. Reason 4: It would be an interesting way to show his development, if it was written to parallel Oda's death I think if he was able to shed even one tear for Chuuya, it would show how much he'd evolved. More than anything, more than I want him to cry in mourning for Chuuya, I'd like to see him cry in front of Kunikida and Atsushi. Also yes I think Kunikida is coming back, Asagiri cannot commit to a death for the life of him
If the fan theories of Dazai being forced back into the mafia are true, Chuuya's death would just add a layer of cruelty to that. He'd have to go back to where he was before, without any of the people there who helped him through it, after finally finding some semblance of peace and normalcy IN CONCLUSION Am I a bit Soukoku brained? Yeah sure. But thats only a part of why I would like this. Dazai crying would be beautifully devastating, depending on how it was written. I don't necessarily think it would happen in canon, but I don't think its impossible. Also I'm sure theres a lot I misunderstood about Dazai, I've only been analyzing him for a few months and I am admittedly much more obsessed with Chuuya lol, please share your takes unless its just that Dazai doesn't actually care about Chuuya in canon cuz thats a load of bull <3
#i'm always embarrassed to post stuff like this when I'm not entirely confident about my takes :(#skk#bungou stray dogs#bsd#chuuya nakahara#dazai
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you are in love.
tom blyth social media au
pairing: tom blyth x reader
warnings: none
part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 | part 6
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1 year later
*yninstagram has posted*
tagged joekeery, nataliadyer, maya_hawke, sadiesink, calebmclaughlin, gatenm123, noahschnapp, millybobbybrown, finnwolfhard, josephquinn & strangerthings
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yninstagram in honour of season 5 finally being released, here's some bts pics from earlier seasons that never made it to the 'gram. love to all involved with making this final season such a blast â¤ď¸
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tomblyth proud of you!! can't wait to watch!!
âŞď¸ rachelzegler watch party at yours then, yeah?
âŞď¸ hunterschafer omw đŤśđť
âŞď¸ joshandresrivera rach said to tell you that we're getting on the next plane to see you, so don't start the final season till we're there đ
âŞď¸ yninstagram oh my goshhhh, love you guys đĽşđĽşđĽşđđđđ
florencepugh cannot wait to watch you shine â¤ď¸âď¸âď¸âď¸
âŞď¸ yninstagram đŤśđťđŤśđťđŤśđť
strangerthings it's been a pleasure đŤśđť
âŞď¸ yninstagram đŤśđť
gatenm123 thanks for being the best onscreen sister. already missing you â¤ď¸
âŞď¸ yninstagram love you gaten â¤ď¸
sadiesink we all love you!!! thanks for keeping the boys in check đŤśđťđŤśđťđŤśđť
âŞď¸ yninstagram đŤĄâ¤ď¸
joekeery thanks for making the last few years so much fun and parenting these children with me xx
âŞď¸ yninstagram love you forever joe đŤĄđŤśđťđ
millybobbybrown aww, missing you already y/n â¤ď¸â¤ď¸â¤ď¸
âŞď¸ yninstagram miss you too mils â¤ď¸
josephquinn congrats on the final season x
âŞď¸ yninstagram thanks joe. wish you could've been there, set felt quiet without you this season đđĽ
user can't believe it's the final season đđđđ
user I'm so excited!!
user don't know if I can bring myself to watch, I don't want the show to end!! đđđ
user ahhhhh!!!! so excited to finally watch it!!
âââ
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yninstagram one year of loving you. happy anniversary love â¤ď¸đŤśđťđ
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tomblyth love you sweetheart â¤ď¸đ
âŞď¸ yninstagram love you too â¤ď¸â¤ď¸â¤ď¸
rachelzegler obsessed with the way Tom is holding lenny. happy anniversary guys đŤśđťđŤśđťđŤśđťđŤśđť
âŞď¸ yninstagram love you rach â¤ď¸
âŞď¸ tomblyth thanks rach xx
hunterschafer congrats on finally becoming insta official xxx
âŞď¸ yninstagram thanks hunter đŤśđťđŤśđťđŤśđť
user omg they're actually together???
user I know they've been rumoured together since beginning of 2024 but it stills feels crazy for y/n to drop this on us
user omg tom and lenny đĽşđĽşđĽş
user the 3rd pic đĽšđĽšđĽš. they look so happy together đĽşđĽşđĽş
user omg mum and dad are actually dating!!!
user they're so cute wtf
user stopppp this is so cute!!!!!
âââ
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liked by rachelzegler, yninstagram, joshandresrivera, hunterschafer and others
tomblyth happy anniversary my love, can't wait to see what the next year brings us â¤ď¸
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yninstagram love you big time đđĽ°â¤ď¸
âŞď¸ tomblyth love you â¤ď¸
rachelzegler you guys are too cute đđđ
âŞď¸ yninstagram rach stopppp đĽşđĽşđĽş
hunterschafer â¤ď¸
user tom's first post in ages and its for their anniversary??? I can't đĽšđĽšđĽš
user they're literally so cute together wtf
user so iconic of them to go insta official with an anniversary post tbh
user I want what they have so bad omg đđđ
user they're so in love omg đĽşđĽş
âââ
*yninstagram has posted*
tagged zendaya, tomholland2013, rachelzegler, joshandresrivera, tomblyth & hunterschafer
yninstagram a little snippet of recent life đśđŤśđťđ
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tomholland2013 it was so lovely to see you again x
âŞď¸ yninstagram miss you guys đŤśđťđŤśđť
zendaya aw, love you y/n đ
âŞď¸ yninstagram love you Z
joshandresrivera do you think we'll be allowed back in that restaurant?
âŞď¸ yninstagram absolutely not
âŞď¸ user omg, what happened??
rachelzegler you did me so dirty with that photo. I really look like I don't wanna be there
âŞď¸ yninstagram we were basically 3rd wheeling while our boyfriends went out on a date
âŞď¸ rachelzegler 100%
tomblyth loved our double date with rach and josh
âŞď¸ yninstagram you mean your date with josh and me and rach 3rd wheeling
âŞď¸ joshandresrivera đ love you, man x
hunterschafer haven't seen you in so long!!! miss you already girly!!! đŤśđťđŤśđťđŤśđťđŤśđťđŤśđť
âŞď¸ yninstagram miss you tooooo!!!!! đŤśđťđŤśđťđŤśđťđŤśđťđŤśđťđŤśđť
user need me a friend that takes cute pictures of me like that
user y/n's really living the best life out here
user omg tom and zendaya are so cute!!!
user omgggg love that photo of tom, josh and rachel!!
user rachel's face has me creasing omg đđđ
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one more part left of this little series :((
#tom blyth x reader#tom blyth#stranger things#the hunger games#tbosas#tom holland#zendaya#hunter schafer#rachel zegler#social media au#the ballad of songbirds and snakes
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You ask for fandom questions, Questions like THESE??? :DDD :
How in the world did you end up in this little football fandom of ours?Â
The youngest memory you have of Supa Strikas?
What character do you wish we could have more of?
Out of any background character from Supa Strikas, which one do you wish would come back as a recurring character more?
Any ships you ship??? (Platonic can also apply)
Most important question (sorta) for any Supa fan, which team from the Supa Strikas Universe you would play for? And why?
TYSM!
1) How in the world did you end up in this little football fandom of ours?
I knew Supa Strikas as early as 2011; I started watching it around Season 2. I just didn't expect that it'd have a fandom here on Tumblr bec I admit that it's not as mainstream as Star Wars, LOTR, or Harry Potter, so seeing everyone here was truly a surprise.
And to answer the question what brought me here only now? Early in July 2024, I decided I want to franchise a Caltex.
Because I remember they sponsored the Southeast Asian release of Supa Strikas (I'm not sure if I got the details correctly) and I love the show so much that whenever I see a Caltex, I remember the show. And I got the idea of franchising it because there's this one Caltex in my home town that is very beautiful and everytime I go past it, I always whisper "I'll build one that's prettier."
2) The youngest memory you have of Supa Strikas.
Okay, this is somewhere around 2009-2010, I was ten years old. It was the very first time I saw the commercial of Supa Strikas on Disney Channel. Me, my sister, and my uncle all commented on the Caltex logo on their jerseys.
The first time, I saw the actual show, I wasn't interested. Then, my uncle's son (my cousin) love football so much that he started to watch the show. At some point, my sister and I joined watched one episode with him (I think this was Led Steppin) and found out that the show was so good.
Then I have another early memory, I go back to it a lot because of the choice I had to make. Back then, we didn't have the convenience a streaming site offers so when two shows or movies air at the same time, we had to choose one. My sister and I watch Supa Strikas on its late night encore because we can't find the time to watch it during daytime, and while waiting for it, we switched the TV to HBO and it was The Lovely Bones. We decided to watch it while waiting for SS, then it got so interesting we almost forgot to switch back to Disney. But before switching, we both stopped to decide. My sister asked, "Do we continue the movie and skip Supa Strikas tonight?" And I really did spent a moment to think, but my answer was, "Nah, I won't ever sacrifice Supa Strikas for this." The episode was Dancing Rasta on Ice.
3) What character do you wish we could have more of?
This is a fun question because I've been thinking about this lately: since we already had Rookie Season why not try to make another prequel series where it was the era of Coach and everyone else? Remember that one episode they entered a game where they played against the greats? I'd love to have a spin-off about their era.
4) Out of any background character from Supa Strikas, which one do you think should come back as a recurring character more?
Kat. Because I'm gay for Kat.
5) Any ships you ship?
Shakes x Riano. Platonic or no, I love them sm.
6) For any Supa fan, which team from the Supa Strikas Universe would you play for? And why?
Barka. Because there is nothing more I want than to be meters away from Riano.
Or I could also play for Nakama. So I can be close to Miko.
*squints eyes* Hmmm I'm seeing a pattern here.
And this is the only Ask I'm going to answer for now because I honestly haven't seen Rookie Season yet. It's like since I knew Shakes and Skarra used to be friends and parted ways as early as 2011 (meaning for more that half my lifetime), I kinda think Rookie Season is something I'm not yet ready to unpack.
So, thank you @mimpinightmare for granting this little request of mine, and would it be okay to borrow this question and ask this around?
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The Bear & His Honey - Chapter 9
⥠Chapter Inspo: Lyrics; Awkward (SZA) âYou look at me different, so I let you see my body - now we don't seem to get along, now I regret it all.â âĄâĄăăđđ + đâđđ đ˝đâ! âđ đđâđâđ đ¸đđđđđźđťăăâĄâĄ ⥠Summary: Carm closes his day off w/ Winnie. Winnie, Syd, & Sadie shoot the shit, and disconnect Winnies mushy heart from her hook-up antics. Carm feels rejected by Winnie not knowing the whole story, and lands himself back in a support group (by choice). Sugar wins Big Sissy of the year award. ⥠W/C: 9,444 (angel #âs purr!) ⥠Posted Date: 02/23/24 ⥠A/N: Hayoooo! I hope yâall love this chap. - Next one will be long and juicy since its the 10th⌠hm.. Not feelinâ very wordy for some reason. Oh!! I saw the new ep. Of The Good Doctor- I MISSED MY SHAUN MURPHY!!!! I <3 MY GOOD DOCTOR!!! Anyhoot- ennjoooy this chap frayndss :D ⥠Warnings for BTC: MAJOR talks of Suicide, grief talk, sad / insecure Carm, swearing, smoking, drinking(cant remember so just in case?), mentions of chronic pain, think thatâs all.
âľ đđĄđđđ¤ đ¨đŽđ đŚđ˛ đđđŹđđđŤđŠđ¨đŹđ âĄ
âľ đđđđđĄ đŽđŠ đ¨đ§ đđĄđ đđđŹđ đđĄđđŠđđđŤ âĄ
.¡:*¨¨* âââ *¨¨*:¡..¡:*¨¨* âââ *¨¨*:¡..¡:*¨¨* âââ *¨¨*:¡..¡:*¨¨* âââ
Winnieâs P.O.V. -
I came back to the bedroom, teeth freshly brushed and glasses on. âReady for some Drag education?â I joke, getting our fluffy blankets from the foot of the bed and draping them over us. âMm drag education. Sounds funâ he opened his arm so I could lay on his chest. I laid down comfortably and he chuckled a bit.Â
âWhat?â I asked and he curled his arm around me, gently rubbing my side. âNothinâ just didnât realize you wear glassesâ he said and I look up at him with a small smile on my lips âmmhmm just another one of my faults, eyes that donât workâ I joke and he snorts, âyou have no faultsâ he said brushing my bangs out of my eyes gently.Â
âOkay enough flirting, misterâ I poked his nose and leaned over him, grabbing the remote from my nightstand and turning on the tv. I went to Paramount and typed in the title, scrolling to drag race season 15 âokayâŚso this is last season, a lot of the queens are from Connecticut, but youâll get the gist of it- and learn all the phrases that Sadie and I useâ I said and hit play on the first episode.Â
âOh! Yeah thatâs why my stomach hurtsâ I sit up and he scrunches his eyebrows âWhat?â He asks âforgot I was hungry. Watch! Iâll go make the rest of the pizzaâ I went out to the kitchen before he could reply, and preheat the oven putting the rest of our pizza from last night on a tray and popping it in, not bothering to wait for it to beep before coming back. âOkay so, I like the cute one, the little oneâ he points and I giggle, âMarcia Marcia Marcia?â I ask and he scrunches his eyebrows.Â
âSee they have weird namesâ he said his eyes flicking back to the tv as Rupaul came out and he raised his eyebrows ``wowâ he muttered âthought he was a drag queen?â He questioned. âNot in the workroom babe, just watchâ I settled back into his chest and played with his fingers, finding it adorable how he was so engrossed in it. I watched along with him for the mini photoshoot challenge and he scoffs softly âseeâŚI hate her makeup it looks- it looks weird.â He muttered and I giggled.Â
âSee! I told you youâd love this showâ I look up at him and he rolls his eyes âyou tell no one at work we watched this, Iâll never hear the endâ he said and I laugh, looking back at the screen âmm wellâŚI guess another reason to behave yourselfâ I said smugly and he pinches my bum playfully. After a while I started to smell the pizza and sat up âbe back, loveyâ I said softly, shuffling off to the kitchen. I divided up the remaining 4 slices on my plastic strawberry shortcake plates and opened my fridge.Â
âCarm, do you want cherry coke?â I called âSureâ he replied. I grabbed 2 cans, a few pieces of paper towel, and our plates, before heading back to the bedroom. âIrene somethinâ won the challenge-thingâ he sits up, leaning against the headboard. âGot 2,500 bucks just for that. Good moneyâ he took the plate and I handed him the can of soda and I smiled a bit.Â
âMmhmm, they win like 200,000 at the endâ I said and his eyebrows raised âwow, hmm. High stakes thenâ he continues watching along with me as we eat our pizza. We were snuggled up, at the end of the third episode and he sighs softly, rubbing my side to get my attention. âHoneyâ he mumbled gently and I looked up at him.Â
âI gottaâŚY'know '' he said with a slight frown and lifted his hand to motion to the door. âGot work in the morninâ..â he said and I pout a bit, âI knowâŚI knowâ I sighed and sat up, âit was nice, yâknow- spending time with you..â I said and pulled on my bear paw slippers as he slipped his hoodie over his head.Â
âIt was really nice, Win, Iâll call you, yeah?â He comes over opens his arms for a hug. I nuzzle into his chest, closing my eyes. âMmhmm, Iâll leave my ringer on for youâ I said softly, breathing in the scent of his cologne, subconsciously trying to memorize it. âYâgonna try and come down for lunch sometime this week? Mm? I can make yâsomethinââ he said and kissed the top of my head sweetly. I smiled a bit, resting my chin on his chest as I looked up at him.Â
âNow that I have two friends there, Iâll be sure to stop by more oftenâ I said softly, and puckered my lips for a kiss. He leans down, kissing my lips tenderly, lingering for a moment before pulling away. âI look forward to seeinâ you more, then.â He said and rubbed my back gently before pulling away. I walked him to the door, handing him his backpack after he slipped on his sneakers and once he put it on I pulled him by the straps, kissing him passionately, running my fingers through his curls, and gently tugging.Â
He hummed into my mouth, his hands trailing beneath my shirt and squeezing my bum in his palms before stroking my thighs with the tips of his fingers gently as he leans against the wall in our heated make out. After a minute or two he pulls away, our lips only mere inches apart. âBaby, I gotta go, yeah?â He said softly and kissed my nose. I jetted out a pout with my bottom lip and looked at him up through my lashes. âYeahâ I mumbled, and pulled him into one last hug before opening the door.Â
âBe freeâ I shooed with my hand playfully and he chuckled. âUntil next Saturday yeah? Iâll be waiting to see what happens to our bunny friendâ he pecks my lips on the way out the door and I smiled. âMmhmm, donât work too hard this weekâ I said and he rolled his eyes jokingly. âMm- yeâ Iâll tryâ he said and I shook my head with a grin, shutting the door. I leaned against it with my full weight, and sighed deeply when I knew he was well out of earshot, sliding to the floor pathetically in a heap, covering my face in my hands.Â
I need to process this.Â
I hastily got up off of the floor, padding heavily into my bedroom, and picking up my phone off the charger. It smells like him in here - and Iâm unsure how I felt about it. I grabbed my bong and a lighter, as well as my little lavender tin of pre-ground flower, and went to sit out on the balcony outside my bedroom, FaceTiming Sadie. She answers by the end of the second ring.
âBiiiitch - ok wait, you didnât call last night so before you start- Say hey Syddd! Weâre wine drunkkkâ She giggled, already gone- and turned her phone on itâs side, leaning it up against god only knows what so I could see them both together and I bit my lip, trying to appear happy. Shit.Â
I just wanted to air out everything to Sadie but of course she and Syd are hanging out- when she isnât with me she was with her. This was going to be harder to navigate then I thought.Â
I stuffed my bowl full of flower with my fingers, âhey!â I said trying to sound enthusiastic and I lit it, taking a deep inhale.Â
âDude did you fuck him I need all the details like - S-O-U Winnie!!!â Sydney said and I nearly choked out a lung laughing, completely not expecting her to be so open about me being with him knowing how sheâd ranted about her frustrations about him before. Sadie busts out laughing and I try to catch my breath, drool pooling in my mouth. I dashed inside, grabbing my water bottle and taking a few big chugs before returning.Â
âSydneyâ I said once I caught my breath and looked at her, we all went silent for a few short moments, and before I knew it we were all giggling together again over nothing. âStop! Stop stoppp we need details Winnie!â Sadie said when she caught her breath and I shook my head, unsure where to even start. âWellâŚSyd do you still want to fuck him?â I ask and she snorts loudly. âNo absolutely not. Not anymore. I just stand that asshole at this point.â She rolled her eyes, taking another sip of her wine.Â
âHow do you mean?â I asked, lighting my bowl again to take a proper hit. She shakes her head, playing with the end of one of her braids. âDude, Where do I even start?â she sighed deeply, thinking for a moment. âOkay, well letâs start with the fact that heâs so fucking selfish. Winnie- the only thing, and youâll learn this sooo fast- the only thing he cares about, is easing his own fucking- his inadequacy!!â She said, talking with her hands as she usually did when she got passionate, just like Sadie and I.Â
âExpandâ I said after I exhaled, crossing my legs and Sadie took a big gulp of her wine, knowing she was about to listen to the following complaints for the third or fourth time over now. âWell, firstly, for starters- Iâll tell you the real reason he fucked around with that girl Claire. Because itâs what Mikey wouldâve wanted him to do. Same reason he opened the new restaurant. Because he only cares about proving to himself that his brother would be proud of him. But- but he doesnât even want to be happy! When that is really what Mikey would have wanted, I mean- right?â She asked and I swallowed thickly, nodding a bit.Â
âN-no. No youâre right and - yeah thatâs his biggest issue so farâ I said and she laughed, covering her mouth. âSorry sorry itâs not funny itâs justâŚwow he hasnât even behaved himself? Hid it? LikeâŚâ she took a deep breath to steady herself. âWinnie- I love you. You know tha, right, really. â she said, I nodded quickly, my chest tightening. âHeâs not a person to get involved with. Even for the dick. Even if itâs good which- I canât say I havenât thought about it - but youâre a sweet person Winnie. And as much as you want to think he deserves you - despite him being a little bitch. he does not deserve someone like you - period. Because he will forever push you away. We know how you are, and we know better than you know how he is. So, this will be my one and only warning about him - do not get involved.â She said and I bit my lip, nodding quickly.Â
Donât get involved further, Syd wouldnât lie just because she wanted him for herself. She really, truly loves me, sheâs one of my best friends.
I stare off into the distance, that thought bouncing around in my thoughts and the entirety of the day suddenly feelingâŚwrong. âOk so now that we got that out of the way- how was it. Like is it big? Also howâŚlike good is he?â she asked and I sat back, sighing softly. âThat was anotherâŚdownfallâŚeven though itâs not even really a downfall!â I shake my hands for emphasis. âItâs literally- heâs so good likeâŚwell- heâs not pussy eating champion 2024 butâ I said, earning a giggle out of them.Â
âI was riding his face while we were 69 so it wasnât like bound to be the best for me - but anyway he is huge! Like not long, but thickâ I said, lighting my bowl and taking another hit. âCut or uncut?â Sadie asked, causing me to snort, smoke coming out of my nose and I coughed a bit. âGuys - Italian Catholic? Cutâ I said matter-of-factly and Syd laughed. âOkay but - please donât tell me he has all that rage and doesnât take it out in the bed?â She questioned and I shook my head.Â
âHe's actually likeâŚshy? Even in bed! But heâs so hot youâve seen him shirtless, right Syd?â I asked and she nods âoh- yeah. Of course. SoâŚwhat like virgin shy?â She asked and I bit my lip slightly as I thought. âKinda but like- heâs done it - but itâs been once or twice and thatâs it like he got all his bases covered, practiced everything a few times - and thatâs it, but when he commits he commits and he listens oh my goddd!â I close my eyes thinking about it and Sadie laughed.Â
âAt least he knows how to follow directions in bed if anywhere goodâ Sydney said while taking a sip of wine and I laughed. âOhhh my god! Oh my god. Heâs like- low key a sub but Iâd neverrr tell him because heâd never let me touch him again, I know it.â I went inside, closing the balcony door and setting my bong on my dresser before sitting on my bed. âWell yeah but I mean- wowâ Syd blinks in surprise, taking in what Iâd said. âWow.â She hummed in thought and I laughed.Â
âWhat?â I asked âwell- I mean like I said multiple times heâs an asshole at work, so with how brute and bossy he is, I like assumed heâd be like âget on your knees slutâ kinda guy? That was my fantasy anywaysâ she mocked Carmen and I burst out laughing, âoh my god I wishâ I said gasping in laughter. This is exactly what I needed. I needed to rip the bandaid off, because I knew Carmen wasnât going to keep his promise, how he acted before we took a nap solidified it. He hates being with someone more than once.
âI wish. I had to beg him practically to tell me that he liked what I was doing. Like, isn't praise the first thing in porn?â I roll my eyes, petting Persephone as she jumps up. âWait- wait- you had to tell Carmen Berzatto how to do somethingâ she laughed, her head falling back. âDude- oh my god! You are my saving grace. I am so glad I never slept with him. I'd have been so disappointed!â she said and I snorted. âThatâs what I was gonna tell Sadie when I called actually⌠I mean- like I said he follows directions sooo well, but I wanted him to throw me around a little and he didnâtâ I shrugged, picking at my nails.Â
âSo if he asks, will you see him again?â She asked and I nibbled the inside of my lip nervously. âWe had likeâŚ. We cuddled and stuff Iâm never-â swallowed thickly, my heart beginning to ache- remembering how attached Iâd really felt to the day weâd had together, underneath all the anger I was feeling that he was so emotionally guarded. âIâm not doing that again- ever with him. But he has a really nice dick- we fucked in the shower?â I laughed and Sadie and Syd burst out laughing again.Â
âAnd ohh my god. The most dominant thing he did was like spank me- I donât know what came over him! I was like oop!â I giggled and Sadie snorted, Syd leaning over the table in laughter. âSooo he made you finish?!â Sadie asks and I nod âoh yeah- I mean. Like I said. He listens really well he just needs to be told what to do.â I said. âSo he fucks like a puppy?â Syd teased and I rolled my eyes, laughing a bit. âIn a way. But itâs like- he can learn. Thatâs why Iâm kinda likeâŚâ I sighed softly, looking away.Â
âI dunno..I dunnoâ I shook my head and sighed a bit. âThe Carmen Berzatto effect, welcome.â Syd said sarcastically and I rolled my eyes. âBut he- heâsâŚso sweetâ I sighed, playing with the ends of my hair. âAndâŚlike- I dunno. Iâm slipping back into my old ways. I want to fix himâ I rolled my eyes at the realization and rubbed my face.Â
âWooooow!â Sadie drawls âholy shit! Well maybe you arenât slipping because Iâve never heard you come to that realization before you run yourself to the bone for someone who canât be fixed.â Sadie said and I sighed deeply, knowing deep down she was right. âWhat if he does the work?â I asked hopefully, âhe wonât. He like- I dunno I donât wanna say he hates himself, but he hates himself. Like any sense of good in life he crushes it for himself because he thinks he works better if he has nothing and heâs always chasing something.â Syd said and shrugged, her voice even and calm.Â
It was about an hour and a half of me divulging nearly every detail of the night to them other than the intimate details of Carmen telling me how many people heâd had sex with before we were all talked out.Â
 I swallow thickly. âIâm just- Iâm gonna shower guys. I love you Syd, thanks for not being mad at me. AndâŚIâm- Iâm sorry. Iâm sorry for doing that.â I said honestly and she shakes her head.Â
âHonestly, he may be happy this week cause he got his dick wet for once- so he might not be such a terror at work. JustâŚsleep it off. It was once, Winnie, but I promise- If you let yourself get involved further, he is going to hurt you. We didnât even get anywhere and when he cut me off cold emotionally after Claire? I felt like a fucking nutcase. Itâs for your own good, just - forget him, okay?â She said and I nodded softly.Â
âLove youâ I replied before hanging upÂ
.¡:*¨¨* âââ *¨¨*:¡..¡:*¨¨* âââ *¨¨*:¡.
Carmyâs P.O.V. -
After my night with Winnie, I slept peacefully- the first night. I had a nightmare, and I only threw up once opposed to the 2 or 3 times a night it usually occurred. But by around 8 am when everyone started showing up, all of the questions were making me anxious, and it was generally pissing me off that Richie, Tina, Fak, Sugar, it felt like everyone except for Syd was up my ass.Â
I stood at one of the stations, chopping up onions and garlic for a stew that Tina was working on, doing absolutely everything in my power to not think of her. This was why. This. The fact that her face was the first thing I thought of when I got up. The fact that every fleeting thought is somehow weaving back to her. I could not do that again. Just the simple fact that I was sleeping better after seeing her once gave me unending anxiety.Â
If I keep fuckinâ around with her, Shes gonna leave. Or sheâs gonna be taken. Or she's gonna realize I'm not good enough. Or sheâs gonna find someone better.Â
I dropped the knife on the cutting board with a slam. âGoin to smoke.â I mutter to Syd as I pass by and shut the back door a little harder than I meant to. I leaned against the cool brick, trying to catch my breath. I felt over my pockets, finding my cigarettes, but - my fucking light. âFuck!â I mutter to myself, rubbing over my face roughly.Â
This is exactly how it fucking started with her. Me losing my damn lighter.Â
I shook my head, squeezing my eyes shut and shaking my hand, trying to ground myself.Â
You fucking pussy. Get it together. You hooked up once you are not attached. You arenât fucking attached.Â
I tug at my hair, remembering the feeling of her beneath me, the softness of her sheets, that fucking mug. I leaned against the brick wall, taking a deep breath. I took out my phone, cursing myself for a small part of me hoping sheâd texted me, since I was too pussy to say anything to her last night or this morning. I stared at my text messages, my eyes falling on my conversation with sugar.Â
Sheâd sent me some âanonymous group therapyâ shit about anxiety and she told me she thought it could help me. I'd brushed it off until now, but talking this shit out like I did with Mikey to people who werenât allowed to repeat it- it sounded like it would feel good. I clicked on the lick, licking my lips nervously as it opened and took me to the page.Â
Anxiety/PTSD ANON: Monday evenings at 6:00PM-9:00PM at St. Anthonyâs Presbyterian Church.Â
I furrowed my eyebrows a bit, PTSD. I hated when people would tell me I have PTSD. Itâs so stupid- Iâd never been to fuckinâ war. Or been raped or whatever. Being yelled at for being an idiot doesnât constitute PTSD. But, considering people with PTSD are probably going through real shit, Iâm sure it would feel easier to spill my guts to them then someone perfect like Winnie.Â
I sit up off the wall, heading back inside and I look at Syd âyo- câmereâ I nod to the office and she follows, I shut the door. âGoin, on with you?â I asked, putting my hands on my hips. She raises her eyebrows, ânothing? WhyâŚâ she questions and I narrowed my eyes slightly. âYouâve avoided me today. So again whatâs up.â I asked and she shook her head, rolling her eyes slightly.Â
âI donât have time for this, Chef,â she said and sighed a bit. âYou know what Iâm talking about. You were on my ass Friday about me wanting to get out early and you were dying to know why- and you come in on Monday it just skips your mind?â I shrug, crossing my arms.Â
âLookâ she snips, taking her hand off the doorknob. âI donât know what you think is going on, Chef. But Iâll have you know- Iâve had zero interest in your personal life again, until you started sneaking around here with one of my closest friends- and my cousins, whoâs more like my sister- her best friend. So letâs just say, after the conversation she and I had-â she looks at me pointedly.Â
âAn honest, open, friend to friend, girl to girl conversation, Carmen- you will have nothing to worry about me, and my interest in your âpersonalâ life - anymore.â She said and left the office with a slam. I felt my heart sink to my stomach, fuck.Â
Fuck. Fuck. Fuuuuck. Fuck.Â
I could hear a ringing in my ears and my vision blurred slightly. I get the familiar feeling in my chest and sit down, clutching my head in my hands and spiraling into one of my episodes.Â
My âpersonalâ life. Ouch. I knew after what happened with Claire things had beenâŚdifferent between us- but I didnât think she cared. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.Â
I tug on my hair, my eyes screwed shut and breathing labored as my thoughts continue racing.Â
Fuck. What did - did she tell her? Did she tell them about- oh my god Iâm such a fucking moron. Of course she did. Of course. Thatâs- Winnieâs best friend- oh my god why did I trust her. Fuck. And - and she thinks Iâm gonna fucking hurt her. She knows I would hurt her.Â
âSour things give you something to focus onâÂ
Her voice rings throughout my mind. I took a shaking breath, opening my office drawer and grabbed one of the sour warhead things Iâd gotten on the walk home after that night with Winnie, and popped it in my mouth. I cringe at the sensation, but immediately am pulled back, for now.Â
I spit the candy in the garbage can after a few grueling moments to be sure I got the full effect, before pulling my phone out of my pocket. Before I knew it with shaking hands, I was calling Winnie. After just 3 short rings the phone clicks and I sit up a bitÂ
Please leave a message after the tone for - Heyy itâs Winnie, I canât talk right now, if you wanna leave me a message cool- but Iâm better at texts. Ciao! *beep*
I took the phone away from my ear, quickly hanging up. At the sound of her voice I felt like I could breathe again. I bit my lip gently, considering texting her and telling her to call me back- but she would if she wanted. I shook my head, setting an alarm for 5 to remind myself to leave for that group thing, before locking my phone and heading back into the kitchen.Â
.¡:*¨¨* âââ *¨¨*:¡..¡:*¨¨* âââ *¨¨*:¡.
Winnieâs P.O.V . -
I went to the back around 5, finally finished cleaning up after a story hour today. It was Sadieâs day off and Mel was out sick so I was running the store alone, I barely got a break to take a piss let alone have a quiet thought to myself from the moment I got here.Â
I sighed deeply, rubbing my bad hip that was driving me nuts today. The only thought that had been running through my head was how much I wanted to see Carmen. I was kind of grateful that the store had been so busy today because if it had been dead slow Iâd probably have just locked up and gone to find if he was out for a smoke every few hours hoping Iâd get lucky.Â
It took me a while to finish cleaning up after the littles, and vacuum the whole floor considering the aching pain in my hip that was reverberating through my thigh and knee all the way up to my ribs. By the time I was squatted by the vacuum, in the back of the store, rolling up the cord it finally gave out on me and I collapsed to the floor in a heap, my head landing in my purse under the desk. How convenient.Â
âFuckin shitâ I muttered to myself, knowing it would be at least 20 minutes before I would be able to use it again. I huffed, sitting up and banging my head under the desk in the process and groaning âowâ I whined, rubbing my head and leaning on my hip that wasnât throbbing intensely. After a minute or so I dug through my purse, pulling my phone out. I scroll through the notifications from the day, Tik Toks from Sadie, news reports, a few texting ads when I see it towards the middle of the stack.Â
Carm𧸠1 missed callÂ
I swallowed thickly - why was he calling me in the middle of the day? I checked our conversation to see the last text that was sent was still from when Iâd told him my apartment number. I bit my lip gently, going over to Twitter to try and forget about him. I scroll through different posts, liking some of them, until my hip finally feels well enough again to try and stand.Â
I slowly shifted my weight on to my good side, gently lifting my hip and letting out a small cry at the shooting pain as I pulled my knee up to get my foot in a standing position. âGod fucking damn itâ I cried out in pain as I haul myself standing, my arms shaking in pain as I lower myself as gently as I could in to the desk chair. I took a heaving breath, wiping away the tears from the corners of my eyes and swallowing thickly. I was absolutely not going to make it 2 blocks on this hip tonight.Â
It had to have been all the exertion of the shower with Carmen, mixed with not sitting down only for 30 minutes today while I read to the kids. I rubbed my forehead in frustration, opening up the Uber app and seeing since it was âpeak pricingâ it was gonna cost me $40 to get from the store home, and I do not have that kind of money.Â
I groaned, sitting back and thinking to myself if trying to wait it out would just get me in a worse position of being stuck here all night because Sadie has no car or not eating dinner for the rest of the week, since my groceries were dwindling and I didnât get paid until Friday. I huffed, âno, I can fucking make itâ I muttered, I pull myself up, nearly screaming at the pain screaming at me to stop, and yank my jacket over my arms.Â
With shaking hands, I got my keys out of my purse, flicking lights off as I limped, every step feeling like my leg was about to fall out like a Barbie that had never been properly popped into place. I groan quietly in pain every few steps, barely being able to lock the door from how violently my hands were moving. I looked both ways across the street, knowing it wasnât long before a car came along. I try to take as big of strides I could into the alley.Â
I honestly didnât give a fuck if I ran in to Carmen right now, I was not walking an extra three blocks in my condition just to avoid him. I lean against the wall, feeling that familiar shaking in my bad hip like it was telling me it was counting down before it gave way and barely got to the steps outside of the bear's kitchen door before collapsing with a grunt, the pain vibrating through my spine at the fall.Â
âFuckâ I whine, stretching my leg out in front of me. The faucet behind my eyes gives and my eyes are suddenly blurring with tears and Iâm muffling sobs into my hand. The pain, the day Iâve had, and the worst of it- Iâm stuck in the one place I donât want to be. What kind of stupid desperate bitch will I look like if Carmen comes out to see me crying on the fucking steps of his restaurant.Â
I swallowed hard, doing my best to pull myself to my feet but my hip had locked and it was no use. With shaking hands I take out my phone, and the door creaks open behind me. I quickly dry my tears as best I can âuh- I'm not here to see you I- Iâm going home Iâm sorryâ I mutter.Â
âWinnie the Pooh?â A slightly familiar voice said and I looked up to see Sugar standing there, a confused look on her face and I started to laugh to which she started looking concerned. âOh!â I sniffle. âItâs you. Donât tell Carmen Iâm h-hereâ I hiccuped a sob and she furrowed her eyebrows, âno he's- waitâ he shuts the door and sits next to me.Â
âWhy you cryinâ?â She asked gently and I shook my head âoh my god itâs- I-â I wiped my tears again. âMy hipâŚI got in an accident when I was 19 and had to get my hip fused, and they did it wrong so itâs all fucked and it just..hurtsâ I said and sniffled. âOkay why- why donât you want Carm to know that?â She asked âdid he already fuck up?â She said with a teasing smile and nudged me playfully.Â
âNo- no he. Carm isâŚâ I look at my feet. âCarm is wonderful. But he- he doesnât wantâŚwhat I would want, you know?â I look at her, still a bit teary eyed. She nods a bit âYâknowâŚCarmâŚsomethinâ âbout that kid, he doesnât allow a lot aâ good thingsâŚandâ she rubs her hands together in thought, looking down for a moment.Â
âI think youâre right, but itâs what he needs.â She said and looked back at me finally. âI wonâtâŚget in the middle of this. But- just know, Carm could really use a girl like you around. He left early todayâŚhe told me he was feeling like it was too much and he needed to go think about shit. Heâs never done that. That tells me you are getting to him to take care of himself. So if itâs a Carmen thing, pushing you away? Sometimes with that kid you have to force him to see what heâs missinâ she got up and extended a hand to me.Â
âWhatâre you doing?â I asked âcmon. Takin you home. Canât live too far if youâre walkinâ, right?â She asked and I smiled a bit. âYou seem like a really good sisterâ I said softly and she smiled big. âYâknow. I always wished I had a sister, I donât think either of my brothers have ever told me that'' she said, tucking her large purse into the crook of her arm. I crinkle my brows ``ok..well Carm and I will be talking about appreciating you because you give great adviceâ I grab on to her hand.Â
She giggled a bit as she hoisted me up and I quickly balanced myself on the railing, my hip still barely functional. âWoah!â She said, wrapping her arms around my waist tightly. âThe car is right there parked in front- think you can walk?â She asked, concerned. I nodded quickly âyeah- yeah. I might need to likeâŚlean on youâ I said, my cheeks going pink with embarrassment.Â
âCourse! Câmere chickyâ she wraps her arm around my waist and I smiled a bit to myself as she helped me limp to her car. âYou hug like Carmenâ I said softly as we approached the passenger side and she laughed, âdonât tell him that. Heâs always said Iâm too âtouchyâ since we were kidsâ she pulled open the door and I slowly got in, the pain in my hip dulling significantly when I sat on the plush seats of her SUV.Â
She gently pushed the door closed, coming to the drivers side and hoisting herself into the large vehicle. âTrust me- I totally get it. I have 2 kids, my hips or my bladder havenât been the same sinceâ she said jokingly as she started the car.Â
.¡:*¨¨* âââ *¨¨*:¡..¡:*¨¨* âââ *¨¨*:¡.
Carmyâs P.O.V -
I tried to take a deep breath, staring pointedly at the church in front of me. My dark gray knit sweater was suddenly feeling itchy all over my exposed skin, even though my usual white work shirt was still layered underneath. I pulled at the collar of the offending garment, roughly itching my collarbone at the sensation of a tickle just under my chain. Taking a final drag of my third cigarette just standing there, I throw it to the ground, crushing it with my sneaker.Â
You can turn around- you can just get back in your car, and go home. You donât have to do this.Â
The devilish voice bounces around in my head. Iâm unsure what got me to drive here, what got me out of my car after sitting there for 15 fuckinâ minutes, but suddenly I was planting my feet up each step into the grand wooden entrance of the church.Â
Turn around. Turn around. Turn. around.Â
My entire body screams for me to run as I step into the welcome hall. This confidence to change so suddenly has to be the effect of a mostly-full nights sleep- thanks to Winnie of course.
Stop fucking thinking about her.Â
Iâm met with a folding easel, a plain piece of white printer paper with an arrow that points to the left, reading âPTSD/ANXIETY ANONâ in large bold letters. I swallowed hard, staring at it intently.Â
Leave. Leave. Leave!!!!Â
The voice in my head was so loud that in my rested state, it drove me to push against it. To deprive it. Â I headed down the hall, the only sound being my sneakers tapping the tile floor and the loud fluorescent lights buzzing above me. My eyes fixed on a bolded sign at the large honey-stained wooden door just at the end of the hall, taped to the wooden frame. âANXIETY ANONYMOUSâ typed in bold letters on the same 8x11 printer paper and taped to the easel out front.Â
I took a deep breath, blinking my eyes shut hard out of habit, thinking about what I was about to do- before swallowing back the anxiety and my hand felt the icy touch of the handle, pulling down and pushing it open. I met the faces of about 4 other tortured souls, staring blankly back at me. âUhâ I mutter, standing in the doorway feeling like a total idiot.Â
âI-is this th-the.â I bit my cheek fucking word stumbling moron. âThe fuckinâ anxiety anon meeting?â I spit out, trying my best to swallow the nausea rising in my throat from the crippling fear of meeting new people. A woman with a short bleach blonde bob, sitting in the corner at a large desk looks up.Â
âOh!! Joy. A newbie!â She chirps, standing up and walking over, standing a few feet away. âIâm Claireâ she said happily, and the protein bar I scarfed down my throat earlier begged to make a grandÂ
reappearance.
âC-cl-?â I tried to grate out, swallowing thickly and my cheeks feeling so hot I was sure I could light one of my cigarettes on them.Â
Run. Run, RUN - Carmen!!! Find the fuckinâ bathroom, slink out like it never happened. Bad idea. Bad idea. Horrible idea.. Moron. Idiot. Stupid. Useless.Â
âClaire!â She repeats happily. âAre you alright with handshakes, dear? What's your name honey?â She sticks her right hand out to me confidently. My gaze meets her hand, and I swear my vision went blurry. I stumble back a bit. âBa- bathroomâ I muttered quickly, the feeling of vomit creeping up in my throat.
She gently pushes me into the hallway, grabbing the small trash can with her right hand and shutting the door behind her tightly. I ripped the trash pale out of her hands quickly, hurling my protein bar and whatever bile and water my stomach held for the last 6 hours In to it, squatting pathetically in the hallway against the wall and she stepped a bit closer, charm bracelets jingling as she rubbed my back while I wretch so hard I swore for a second my organs would fly out of my mouth.Â
âChrist kidâ she muttered, her nails gently grazing the small of my back as she rubbed soothing, small circles. âKnow a Claire, mm?â She asked matter-of-factly when I finally stopped heaving, my brain fully empty other then fuckin Winnie reading to me last night. And the story of the stupid fucking bunny.
âYes- b-b-sh-sheâ I tried to get air into my lungs, but instead my chest forced me into a painful gasp. âN-no- used toâŚâ I dry heaved over the garbage can so hard I dropped to my knees on the cold tile, and was sure I'd either pass out, or die of embarrassment at the pathetic sound and sight, feeling fully like a sniveling child. Unfortunately to no avail.. I gasped in a breath so violently, the sudden pressure in my lungs made me feel as if I was really about to pass out.Â
I leaned against the cold wall, catching my breath before continuing. âI- I- fuckinâ I winced at the pain in my stomach, my face clenching up slightly at the pang reverberating through every muscle in my body due to the intensity of all the emotions I was feeling at once.Â
âFuckin... I crushed on âer as a stupid, idiot kid..but fuckin hate âer now..â I sniffle, mucus getting caught in my throat, causing me to choke and cough so hard over the trash can that my lungs burned.Â
âBreathe, kidâ she said, patting my back. âIn through your nose and out through your mouthâ she said and demonstrated a calm even breath. I rested my face on my arm, doing as she said, and finally catching my breath. âS-sorry I havenât eaten much tâday and smoked like half a packâ I said and she nudged me gently. I look over and sheâs holding a tissue, âthanksâ I said wiping my mouth and nose tossing it in the garbage and leaning against the wall again, sighing deeply.Â
âC'mon, you can just listen today if you donât feel like talking. We have water bottles in there for yaâ â she said, standing up fully and extending a hand to me. I nodded a bit, taking her hand to steady myself as I got up. She took the trashcan and tied the bag, leaving it in the hall before opening the door. âIâm..sorryâ I mutter, shaking my head.Â
âNo! No happens all the time. Donât worryâ she said and opened the door. âWell gang, itâs us plus one newbie!â She said and handed me water from the counter at the side of the room before going to her seat and I swallowed thickly, sitting down on the furthest chair from everyone else, setting the water bottle on the chair before wiping my clammy hands over my jeans and swallowing thickly. âAlrightâ she said, sitting down with a clipboard. âAre there any big things this week that we need to start with?â She asked, I kept my gaze fixed on my lap.
âYes- uhâŚmy nightmares came back..â a small voice said and I looked up to see a girl with mousy brown hair and a deep scar on her right cheek. Claire nodded âdid you want to share about them?â She asked her and the girl swallowed thickly. âNo- no. I just⌠itâs about dating again after what happened. I canât- I canât. Iâm always looking over my shoulder, I feel like a freak. Itâs hard enough dating girls- and I- I have a hard time texting. And so when I meet them in person, I always catch them staring at me. And⌠and like I can hear their thoughts. Like âwho is she hiding fromâ or âI bet she has a secret girlfriend.â And I - Iâm so paranoid.â she huffed.Â
âIâm sure all of us here have felt paranoid after a trauma, and especially, when experiencing something new, the feeling ofâŚwaiting for the other shoe to drop. Is very common. Especially if it relates back to childhood, those wounds linger for a long time. Has anyone else been feeling paranoid?â She asked the group. There was a silence for a moment, I took a deep breath, finding my tongue.Â
âMeâ I said, rubbing my thighs to soothe my anxiety. There was that familiar tightness in my stomach and my heart was thrumming in my throat. âOh! Did you want to share more about thatâŚsorry, how should we address you?â She asked and I kept my eyes locked on her, trying to forget there were other people there but still not wanting to sit alone with a shrink in an office.Â
âCarmen'' I said and she nodded, âokay, Carmen- did you want to share what youâre feeling paranoid about?â She asked and I sniffled, rubbing my lips together nervously. âYeâ uh, I met a-a girl. Last week. And I havenât stoppedâŚthinkinâ about her? Like. I dunno. I have sworn off women quite a while ago.â I rub my chin, eyes gazing to the floor nervously.Â
âOkay, so what are you paranoid about?â She asked and my eyes flicker back to her. âSo uh- yeah. S-sorry. Sorry. So uh- I work in a-a restaurant. And I run it, with my cousin and my sister. My second in command though, she- she knows this girl. And uhâŚI donât know whatâs been goin on? With me? And IâŚI like her. Thatâs-thatâs why Iâm paranoid. Cause I donâtâŚI canât do girls and she-â I sigh deeply, clearing my throat.Â
âShe told me that she wouldnât pressure me?â My eyes met hers again and she nodded. âOkay, so youâve felt pressured in relationships in your past, and are worried it will happen again?â She asked and I thought for a moment, rubbing the back of my neck.Â
âYes? WellâŚno..no not from her. I-Iâve been very pressured to like someone before and it was hell for me. B-butâŚthatâs the thing is I trust she wonât pressure me. And I- when Iâm around her, Iâm not fuckin- im not fuckin like this? Like I- I can think, and I can breathe andâŚso-so-so if itâs notâ I shake my head. âI feel so different around her? Thatâs why Iâm paranoid.â I said finally. Claire sits back in her chair a bit.Â
âOkay, so youâre paranoid sheâs going to leave?â She questioned. I shook my head a bit, âno- no thatâs the thing is that the shoe always drops for me, I already fucked this up by just being me. My- one of my chefs, Syd. She- sheâs friends with this girl andâŚand I think she told her about all myâŚfucked upness. She-she warned her that im a fuckinâ- a fuckin loser. I just- and I didnât even want to allow myself to feel this way which is why Iâm so scared cause I- I feel like- like.â I shake my head.Â
âI feel like sheâs good for me though. I-i just know Iâm bad. Iâm- Iâm fuckin selfish. I would be a horrible boyfriend. Iâm fucking insane I- I think. I wake up every night fucking throwing up. I- I obsess over things, and I just keep pushing and pushing until I get it how- how I see it in my head. B-but with her itâs likeâŚI want to see? Where things go? Yâknow? L-like I. I want her to show meâŚitâs- itâs stupid never mindâ I shook my head looking back at my lap, pushing my bangs off my forehead nervously.Â
âWell in here, no one is crazy. I think youâre paranoid of having no control over your emotions, Carmen. Which is perfectly normal. We canât control anything in this world, other than how we react to our feelings about things. So, letâs delve deeper into your current self image- what comes to mind first when I ask why youâre selfish?â She asked and I shrugged a bit.Â
âI fuckinâ shut the beef down, knowing itâs not what Syd wanted, knowing itâs not really what anyone wanted except for me. BecauseâŚcause Mikey left it to me. And- and I was likeâŚI am fuckinâ angry at Mikey. And it was like- like a fuck you. Watch me do it better then you ever fuckin couldâ I said and run another hand through my hair at the realization. âCause I fuckinâ - I only care about provinâ to myself that - that maybe Iâm not a fuckin idiot. That Iâm not useless.âÂ
âYou arenât an idiot, and you are not useless, and it sounds like you feel selfish- because youâve found yourself in a pattern of catering to others desires. How do you feel about your own desires, Carmen?â She asked and I shook my head a bit.Â
âNo- no thatâs..thatâs what Iâm saying Iâm selfish. I - Iâm a fuckin control freak at work everything is done my way, everything is tweaked to my standards, I donât care what other people have to say about the re-â
She cuts me off âno- not your desires at work, in your life. Outside of work. In your relationships, friendships, personal goals? What do you desire your life to look like when you retire?â She asked and I swallowed thickly, my mind going blank.Â
âThat is a great topic for today, desires. It is extremely hard, especially after a traumatic event or even years of incurring trauma, and then allowing yourself to desire. We may feel selfish as Carmen does, after we incur tragedy in our lives- to feel joy again, or allow new people in our lives because we are afraid that if we desire while we are unhealed, then we were never really damaged to begin with.â She said and a guy sitting a few chairs away from her clears his throat.Â
âI uh- yeah I relate a lot to what Carmen said about feeling selfish..after my brother died I stopped doingâŚeverything I loved.â I look over at him, sitting up in my chair slightly. Cause I felt like ifâŚif Iâm happy then I donât miss him? Or..or like. Like if I think about our good times together and loose the anger I feel about him killing himself for a few seconds- I feel likeâŚlike Iâll never stop thinking about what the fuck our lives would have been like if he just talked to me.â He said and crossed his arms. I sit up a little further in my seat.Â
âMikey - he was m-my brother. He killed himself tooâ I said and he looked over at me, âIâm sorryâŚolder or younger?â He asked âshit- yeah sorry I should have led with that Iâm sorry too. He was- he was olderâŚâ I replied and he nodded, swallowing thickly and looking away.Â
âYou couldnâtve done anything. I fuckin failed him though. He was youngerâ he muttered and I furrowed my brow shaking my head. âNah. Nah donât fuckinâ say that shit about yourself dude. Both of our brothers did it to themselves. That's one thing that weâre not responsible for. Iâm- Iâm angry that he- I needed him. Just like you needed your brotherâ I said and he nodded a bit.Â
Claire cuts in âit is normal to feel angry at a loved one for committing suicide. Itâs also completely normal to feel guilt for that anger. Jack, it sounds like the anger youâre harboring for yourself, for not âprotectingâ your brother from himself- is covering up a guilt you feel for a perceived responsibility to the reasoning behind your brother's passing.âÂ
âIâm fuckin angry.â I shrug. âIâm fuckin- pissed at Mikey.â I said and she looked at me. âA question for you to ask yourself, Carmen, are you angry at Mikey or are you angry about the choice he made, to end his life, and leave you behind to forever miss him. Because they are 2 separate things. One is your brother, and the other- is a stupid choice he made. A choice that altered the lives of the people closest to him forever. He made the choice to have his legacy be one that ended in pain, and suffering for those who love him most. That choice, or Mikey - your brother that you clearly love very, very dearly.â She asked.Â
I felt a lump forming in my throat, blinking back tears and I looked over to the clock.Â
âLetâs circle back, yeah we have about 5 minutes left. This week's homework for you all, I want you to do one thing, or speak to one personâ she looks to me for a moment âthat you desire, and itâs guilt free, because you arenât giving yourself the permission, Iâm giving you the permission, and next week- weâre gonna talk about how it made us feel alright?â She said,Â
âAlright. Hopefully Iâll see you all again next week. Same time and place per usualâ she got up and went over to the desk grabbing her bag. I got up, grabbing the water bottle and quickly darting out of the room and back down the hall to the front door. I shoved it open taking a deep breath as I went down the steps 2 at a time back to the parking lot.Â
I am not fucking going back there ever again.Â
I shook my head to myself, but realized that I didnât feelâŚlike I was gonna have an episode. Er- panic attack like Winnie called it. But rather than everything Iâd buried about Mikey felt like a hardened scab to a barely healed wound had been picked at and messed with for a while. It was an extremely uncomfortable feeling. This is why I stopped going to AI-anon. Talking about it hurts more than just focusing on other shit and forgetting about it when I can.Â
I dug my cigarettes out of my pocket, taking one out and lighting it, leaning against the car as I smoked. I donât know why Sugar keeps telling me that itâll get better if I just talk about it, every time I talk about it Iâm fuckin realizing shit. And I donât like realizing shit. About myself. About Mikey. Iâd rather justâŚfucking work. Just work. But I also hate work.Â
Iâm brought out of my thoughts to the same blonde that irritated the scab which felt permanently fused to my soul. âSpirits huh?â She said and I looked over at her. âYupâ I mutter, taking another drag.Â
âI get it. I get it⌠if you donât want to talk to me outside there itâs fine. I just wanted to say, Iâm proud of you for opening up, good job. You should be proud of yourself.â She took a pack of Marlboro reds out of her purse and a blue lighter.Â
âThanksâŚâ I said, watching as she took a drag. âNo offense⌠but I kinda feel worse?â I said and she laughed, smoke spilling from her mouth in a cloud. âNone taken my friend, none taken.â She said, waving her hand in front of her to clear the thick puff of smoke. âThatâs good actually, really good. It hurts before it helpsâ she shrugged, taking another drag.Â
âSo- wait the fuck did I do tâyou?! You wanna hurt me before you help me?â I questioned, pulling on my own cigarette. âNothing oh my god!â She laughs. âNothing Carmen! Oh jeezâ she giggled slightly. âYou need to come back, shut out the voice shooing you awayâ she said with a teasing smile and I rolled my eyes. âSorry, not interested in ripping open old wounds when Iâm already not able to process the bullshit Iâm facing now.â I look at the ground, taking a long drag.Â
âMmm. Alright.â She shrugged casually, dragging her own and exhaling without a beat. â what?â I asked her, dropping my cig and crushing it with my sneaker. âIâŚdonât care?â She laughs a bit. âIf you want to stay in the mental prison youâve created, so be it, Carmen. But- Iâm here! Every week for the past 11 yearsâ she retorts, tossing her cigarette into a puddle over the parking lot barrier.Â
âNice meeting you, kid. Word of advice-â she turns to me as she pulls her driver's side door open. âDo the fuckinâ homework, mm?â She sits in her seat, starting the car. âThat girl you mentioned, whatever her name is- I may be a shrink - but Iâm also a spouse - the way your eyes sparkle when you talk about her? That's your wife, if I never see you again? I hope youâve gone and got her.â She pulled her door closed without another word, backed out of her parking spot.Â
I felt a vibration against my hip, pulling my phone out of my pocket in case it was one of the employees and checking who it was. My throat dries out as I listen to the marimba ringtone, staring at my screen, my mind going blank.Â
Winnie đŻ MobileÂ
The slide to answer button practically laughed at me.Â
.¡:*¨¨* âââ *¨¨*:¡..¡:*¨¨* âââ *¨¨*:¡..¡:*¨¨* âââ
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