#we are here forever. we will never die. those of us who take pride in this identity know what i'm feeling

[mcflymemes]

PRIDE & PREJUDICE PROMPTS *  assorted dialogue from the 2005 film

you must know... surely, you must know it was all for you.

are you out of your senses?

we've been nonsensical!

i have struggled in vain and i can bear it no longer.

are you rejecting me?

did i just agree to dance?

makes it all so much more enjoyable, don't you think?

you really do love him, don't you?

i appreciate the struggle you have been through, and i am very sorry to have caused you pain.

you're wasting your time with me.

count your blessings.

don't look at me like that!

only the deepest love will persuade me into matrimony.

i'm very fond of walking.

no, i prefer to be unsociable and taciturn.

may i have the next dance?

these past few months have been a torment.

i wonder who first discovered the power of poetry in driving away love?

my brother gave it to me.

i have never been thus treated in my entire life.

do you talk, as a rule, while dancing?

so this is your opinion of me.

i had to see you.

it's been many years since i had such an exemplary vegetable.

oh, believe me, no one would suspect your manners to be rehearsed.

i've been so blind.

i've come to tell you the news.

oh, very well then.

i must ask you to leave immediately.

you have insulted me in every possible way.

not all of us can afford to be romantic.

i could not have parted with you to anyone less worthy.

i will never see you again if you do.

he looks miserable, poor soul.

yes. a thousand times yes.

i will not and certainly never shall.

i thought that poetry was the food of love.

you are too generous to trifle with me.

all of these things i am willing to put aside and ask you to end my agony.

there's a lot to be thankful for.

don't you dare judge me.

i don't understand.

thank you for explaining so fully.

now tell me once and for all: are you engaged to him?

if your feelings are still what they were last april, tell me so at once.

have you no objection other than your belief in my indifference?

believe me, it was unconsciously done.

what a shame, for i dearly love to laugh.

and those are the words of a gentleman.

my affections and wishes have not changed, but one word from you will silence me forever.

you have bewitched me, body and soul, and i love... i love... i love you.

i love you.

i cannot tease you about that.

forgive me for taking up so much of your time.

how are you this evening, dear?

is this your reply?

they are far too easy to judge.

i do not have the talent of conversing easily with people i have never met before.

i thought you hated the man.

will that make you happy?

we're doing our best to find a fault in you.

i never wish to be parted from you from this day on.

i wish you would not call me "my dear."

perhaps you should take your aunt's advice and practice?

what endearments am i allowed?

please, do be seated.

one of these days, someone will catch your eye and then you'll have to watch your tongue.

people do not die of colds.

i was wrong. i was entirely wrong.

are you too proud? and would you consider pride a fault or a virtue?

this is a charming house.

i am well acquainted with you.

please do me the honor of accepting my hand.

what do you recommend to encourage affection?

what should i call you when i am cross?

are you... are you laughing at me?

i can admire you much better from here.

shall i call for some tea?

i cannot believe that anyone can deserve you.

i love you. most ardently.

good day. it's been a pleasure.

i have no idea.

did you walk here?

let us take a turn about the room.

it is a small kind of accomplishment, i suppose.

will you not join us?

i've never seen so many pretty girls in my life.

she is the most beautiful creature i have ever beheld.

why do you ask such a question?

what have you discovered?

we are all fools in love.

i have other reasons. you know i have.

i do not deny it.

[quills-of-freedom]

Headcanons ~

Wedding day 💕🎻

| Eren - Reiner - Levi - Jean - Erwin - Armin - Connie |

The day had finally arrived. The union of two souls to be forever entwined within the gracious loving bond of matrimony.

Eren 💕

You couldn’t actually believe Eren had proposed. Although he was down on one knee in front of your very eyes, your mind just wasn’t accepting it. Folks andd onlookers watched with bated breath, awaiting your answer. He sure kept this surprise hidden well…

Of course, you said yes and he picked you up by your waist in a spin, colliding his lips to yours.

And now here he was, watching you walk down the aisle, a lump in his throat and his heart racing.

You looked gorgeous, like something from a fairy tale.

And of course, he looked as handsome as ever. His suit was smart and his hair was up in its usual bun.

Armin is his best man, of course; who is standing and beaming with pride.

Eren holds back his chokes and tears as he reads his vows;

“Y/N… From the first time I ever laid eyes on you, all those years ago, I knew you would be in my life forever. Back then, I didn’t think it would be as my wife, but God I am so glad it is. I’m sorry for my stubbornness and irrational behaviour when we were young. But despite that you still loved, and stood by me and for that I’ll be eternally grateful. I vow to always stand beside you, whatever the world throws at us. I vow to hold you when you need support. I vow to remember how you always had my back no matter what. And I vow to always love you, with my heart and soul, until the day I die and after.”

The room erupts in cheers and tears when you seal your kiss.

The reception is wild.

Everyone is drunk (except Levi) and dancing. Reiner and Connie are dancing like weirdos, Reiners blazer removed and at one point Connie is on his shoulders.

Sasha has too much to drink and is spewing in the bathroom.

Mikasa can’t stop crying with happiness and pride.

He carries you to your room afterwards where you spend all night sealing a special bond that will never be broken.

Reiner 💕

Reiner wanted to marry you from the get go. He’s a passionate man and when he loves, he loves.

So when he pops the question, boy does he go extra.

Reiner took you to a secluded spot for a picnic on a cliffside. After you’d had eaten and chilled for a while he tells you to stand back. This crazy mf then pulls out a dagger and leaps off the cliff, transforming into his Titan form.

You feel a little scared. Not because you think he’d hurt you but A) wtf is he doing and B) It feels weird seeing a shifter transform when you don’t have your gear.

He steps up onto the cliff and gets on one knee in his Titan form. He gets out with his ring in hand and kneels in front of the empty casing of the armoured titan.

“All this power, yet you can still bring me to my knees. Y/N, I love you. Will you marry me?”

Cheesy, but that’s Reiner for you.

He kisses you desperately and tears form in his eyes when you accept.

Now he has tears streaming down his face, holding in sobs as he sees you walking towards him in your dress. The odd uncontrolled cry does escape his lips when you get closer. He palms the tears away and smiles with the biggest grin when you reach him.

He pulls it together a little for his vows but he does take sharp intakes of breath.

“I never believed in love at first sight, until I met you. No matter what doubts I had back in Cadets, they were always surpassed by my feelings for you. And when you told me you loved me too, it was incomprehensible that I would turn you away, given the circumstances. Y/N… You still loved me when I left. You loved me at my worst. You picked me up from the gutter, dusted me off and rose me up again. I vow to always love you with my entire being. I vow to protect you against any ill will towards you. Back then, I couldn’t dedicate my heart to the cause. But I vow to dedicate my heart to you.”

If Bertolt isn't alive in your universe, Jean is his best man and either way, they’re both pulling a tight face to stop themselves crying.

He carries you out of the venue after you kiss, confetti and cheers all around.

The reception is just like Eren's. Absolutely wild. Dancing. Drinking. Laughter and tears.

That night you seal your soul bound contract with hours and hours of mind-blowing love making.

Levi 💕

Levi had been thinking of proposing for a long time. In fact you thought the day would never come. He likes to be totally sure and take things slow. So when he got on one knee at a fancy restaurant you were blown away.

The only time he’s ever shown PDA was when you said yes and he kissed you with such passion, the other diners applauding in celebration.

He doesn’t cry when he sees you in your dress, Erwin stood by him as his best man. But his eyes do glisten and a smile tugs at the corner of his mouth.

“Y/N… I know I’m not the best at verbalising my feelings but please know if anything that I am completely devoting myself to you. I will always love you. I will always take care of you and protect you. I will always support your desires in life and walk this earth with you. This, I swear.”

Hange is sobbing so loud when you kiss.

The reception for you wedding with Levi is a little more classy. There’s fine foods and ballroom dancing. Speeches are refined and dignified and throughout the entire thing Levi can not keep his eyes off you.

You guys break the bed when you make love that night.

Jean 💕

Jean was a nervous wreck when he proposed to you. The entire time he was fumbling with the ring box in his pocket, his hands dampening with sweat.

You knew something was amiss but when you asked he shrugged it off. You were both on a walk when he suddenly took your hand and got down on one knee.

He choked back tears when you said yes.

He’s crying at the alter though regardless of how hard he tries not to. He’s so damn proud of you it’s overwhelming as you gorgeously glide down towards him, Connie his best man if Marco isn’t alive in your universe.

He’s a blubbering mess when it comes to the vows finding it hard to vocalise himself properly.

“Y/N, you make me the happiest man there ever was. I am so proud to have you by my side and to now call you my wife. You’re my everything and more. You love me when I’m not being the smartest man, or the most patient. And for that I give you my all. I vow to treat you the way you deserve. I vow to never take you for granted. I vow to always protect you and hold you when life is wearing you down. I love you, y/n and (unintelligible) forever…”

Jean tries to have a more dignified reception but with friends like these… Pretty impossible.

But he wouldn’t change it for the world as he sits back and watches the people he loves the most, together and happy.

He cries again at your first dance.

You seal your marriage with the steamiest and most passionate love making known to man.

Erwin 💕

Like Levi, Erwin has a taste for the finer things and takes you out for a meal at a really fancy restaurant. He won’t propose there though.

Like Reiner, this man likes to be extra.

After dinner you take a stroll and end up outside of the scout regiment HQ in Trost. While you’re walking through the courtyard of the barracks, you’re surprised to see well dressed people emerge from inside buildings playing the violins.

You turn to Erwin to see him down on one knee with the ring.

The entire barracks erupt in applause when you say yes and he picks you up into a kiss.

Erwin doesn’t cry at the alter but seeing you softens his gaze and a warm smile spreads across his face, Levi beside him as best man.

“Y/N, I am the luckiest man alive to have you as my own, and I will cherish every fleeting moment. You love and accept me for who I am and stand by decisions I’ve made, even when I doubt myself. I swear to forever treat you as the queen you are, by my side, in our kingdom. I swear my heart will always be loyal to you and you alone. You are the beam that holds this chin up high, and I will always be yours.”

Like Levi’s reception, yours with Erwin is extremely refined.

Top class champagne, the finest foods and beautiful classics music.

Your first dance with him has everyone in awe as he twirls you with such skill, a talent not many knew he had.

You will not be able to walk for days after you make love that night, having pulled out all the stops for you.

Armin 💕

Armin had been planning your proposal for months.

He went super extra and planned it all out meticulously down to the tiniest detail. It was a whole day event. Clues, gifts, leading up to a scavenger hunt where he was awaiting nervously with the ring.

He actually couldn’t believe his ears when you said yes.

Armin cries at the alter. It’s less of a sob like Reiner and Jean, more like silent tears streaming down his face.

Of course, Eren is his best man.

“I didn’t think I would ever be standing here today, uttering these words. I didn’t think that I, of all people, would be marrying someone as perfect as you, Y/N. You bring so much joy to my life, so much laughter and love I could never write down in words how much you mean to me. I, Armin Arlert, vow to always remain by your side through thick and thin. I vow to take care of you if you get sick and to encourage and support you in all of your life’s endeavours. For now and forever, this I swear.”

The reception is more chilled than the others. Laid back and easy going. No one gets too hammered but it’s still just an amazing night with your loved ones.

Your first dance is so sweet, his eyes are closed with a warm smile the entire time as he holds you close and sways to the music.

If you thought Armin was a dark horse before, you ain’t seen nothing til the wedding night.

Yes. He broke the bed.

Connie 💕

God bless his pure soul because Connie tried so hard to make it perfect. He managed to pull it off by some miracle, despite the snowballing nerves that consumed him.

He took you out to dinner and bought you your favourite flowers. The words “Will you marry me?” Were spread out on the table when you returned from the restroom, by petals.

He cried when you said yes.

And he is a sobbing mess at the alter. Jean is his best man, elbowing him and hissing to pull himself together.

But he just can’t believe how lucky he is to have you as a wife.

“Y/N, you can’t believe how happy you make me. Every stupid thing I’ve done, every dumb thing that comes out of my mouth and you’re still there, loving me. I can’t begin to explain how much that means to me. How much you mean to me. I promise I will always treat you like it’s our first date. I’ll forever hold your hand when you need me to. And I promise I’ll write down important dates so I never forget and swear I will not disappoint you, my love.”

The wildest wedding party known to man.

Everyone is off their face drunk. Wild dancing. Food fights. Galore.

There was even arm wrestling at one point.

He can not get over that he has you. This sweet man is quite possibly the happiest man on earth.

You guys didn’t just break the bed that night. The chair, the ottoman and somehow the f'ing wardrobe???

Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed. I am the friendliest person ever so don’t be shy to drop me a request or ask.

[queertranshappiness]

We write poetry sometimes, often about being queer, and we wrote this one about trans pride, and protecting trans kids. (CW: brief death mention, but it ends well.)

To Those Fighting For The Light

Darkness covers the country.

People are still holed up in the forts, waiting for the day to break.

A false dawn has come and gone,

And the suffering yet continues.

A storm brews on the horizon, the armies of hatred giving praise,

While the most vulnerable are struck by lighting, and left to die in the rain.

A child sits in the mud,

Surviving, but only just.

Scared of another strike, scared of another death.

However, they notice a light in the distance.

They’re scared for a moment, scared the storm is coming closer.

However, this light is stronger, more permanent,

Glowing and warm.

It is the glow of torchlight, as the people march through the towns and fields.

They wave banners and flags of the brightest colours,

The silence is split by the roar of song,

Chanting ‘we will not be defeated’, ‘love and joy overcomes hate’, and ‘all are welcome here’.

The parade ends quickly, but it gives the child an idea.

They pick themselves up, even more confused than before,

But with a new emotion burning in their chest.

Fear is no longer driving them,

But hope.

They take steps towards the future,

Stumbling and nervous, but never giving up,

After having seen the banners and the flags.

They weren’t alone, out here in the cold and the wet,

There were thousands across this country,

Fighting for their future, for the storm to end.

They’d never considered it a possibility… but maybe they wouldn’t have to be wet forever?

Maybe… they could go beyond the day to day?

Maybe they could live, maybe they could be happy?

They found others like them,

And they screamed out for help,

A hundred hands arrived to grab each one of them,

A hundred different souls, with scars and stories of their own, ready to pass on their knowledge and their hope to them.

The storm may still rage on, and not everyone could make it,

But now, the people knew they weren’t alone,

And they were all together, ready to fight for the future.

And as previous generations had done, years and years ago,

They fought the battles, and won the war.

The clouds dissipated, and a new world dawned before them.

Wildflowers bloomed in the fields, and the towns were full of love.

Hate had no power here, and a blue sky was all that was seen.

All people were free to be who they were,

And fear was gone from their hearts.

And while we wait for that world, the people protect those they can,

As every day we live is a kick in the teeth to the armies of hate,

For every step we take, no matter how small,

Is a victory for life and of freedom.

So to those struggling, do not give up,

There are people fighting for you, who were like you before.

You will find hope, and despite it all,

It is worth being you, and it is worth being free.

You are our future, and you will find the new world,

So please, turn to us, 

And be there when the skies turn blue.

For you deserve that world,

And we are fighting for it to come for you as soon as it can.

[smudgefawn]

history of the entire world i guess: context for the world of my dnd campaign (& the oc’s therein i post about)

[this article may contain excessive detail irrelevant to most parties interests, proceed with caution]

To tell this story well we must in turn tell four different stories. Let us start at the beginning of everything.

The multiverse, the planar system in which everything exists, is born in heat and light and explosion all at once. In the same moment, Sol is born, as much fire as fire is he. One cannot exist without the other and because one exists the other does. For longer than anything has ever existed he is all that there is, but as the universes cool another comes and for the first time he is not alone. A sister, or something like it, his opposite and twin. No one but the two of them could say what it was like in those earliest eons and they wouldn’t dare. A third is born as stars and planets and solar systems form and last by more time than can be expressed even by the longest lived races in the most ancient planes, life is born and so comes a fourth. Sol, Tianyu, Polaris and Cephas, a set of siblings tied to the very essence of the universe.

Sol is strange and disinterested, distant perhaps by virtue of being the most ancient thing there is. Tianyu understands that while Sol is first, as the universe cools and everything else dies they will be last and exist, perhaps, for a forever beyond imagining. She absorbs everything she can while it still exists in the hope of filling the void of its absence. Polaris feels the acute ache of being on the outside of a group that should be her own, neither incomprehensible and ancient or shiny and young and she retreats into the stars, a craftsperson designing cosmos and finding company therein. Cephas is young and will always be youngest, destined to die before he’s lived a fraction of the others lives. He does his best to find meaning and love among that which he’s bound to in whatever time that he has.

Slowly, as the planes mature the Feywild defines itself as a home of wild and untamable magic and the primordials, as they become known, gravitate towards it as pure embodiments of wild and elemental magic themselves. They travel freely but something about the fey appeals to them and aligns with themselves. As consequence, the fey organize and align with them in turn, forming courts and swearing their allegiance to one of the primordials and serving their element (overtime they have earned a vaster elemental association as well as their true aspects) in exchange for the protection and wealth of magic only the most vast and magical beings in all of the planes can provide. Smaller and more specified courts rise and fall but the great four which they exist within stay the same: Fire/Summer, Winter/Water, Air/Spring and Earth/Fall. Cephas and Tianyu take to their designated role well and become involved with the workings and politics of the fey while Sol and Polaris continue to be removed– as such their courts attract those who want protection without oversight or involvement.

Here we come to the second part of our story; an archfey of a court of elemental and seasonal working whose name is lost to time and magic. Xiangli, head of one of the Courts of Summer and faithful if only by happenstance to Sol. Their court is theirs and they take care of what belongs to them but she grows bored or the monotony of the universe, of fickle fey always squabbling for power and pride. Creatures are cruel and repetitive and boring and she wishes only for them not to be. Enter a mortal. A human who knows they lack power, who knows they can never compare to the majesty of the fey and their mortal gods and resents having to beg and plead and scrape for anything to call their own. And she is smart and wants only to help her people, to protect and better them. And Xiangli is eager to believe in something good that knows it’s place.

They teach her the languages of magic, how to understand it and twist it and make it her own. She teaches her to learn and understand and grasp at even a tendril of power, because it will never matter. She is human and it is endearing and bold to chase what you know you shouldn’t be able to attain and know your limits still. They let their guard down and believe too wholly in the myth of goodness. They should know better than to believe something like her would not grow an appetite that could not be contained.

She catches Xiangli and uses them. They are too powerful to die and they taught her well enough that she knows how not to kill them, how to harvest their power and leave enough for it to come back. But an archfey does not disappear unnoticed.

Courts have champions, things to be shown off and presented at parties and tournaments. A display of power and skill and a way to keep peace through threat of what they would face. The best of her court comes for her, to try to free her and fails. This is enough to catch Sol’s attention.

Sol is strange and distant and volatile and cares only in ways incomprehensible even to the fey for the things that belong to him, his courts and his archfey among them. The point of a court is to be protected, to have ties and community and the point of a primordial allegiance is to strengthen that. But courts and fey have rules, esoteric and strange but more binding than those of the mortal realm. Xiangli, as far as Sol or anyone else is concerned, betrayed their court by siding with mortality and made the mistake of not specifying the terms of a bargain struck. They are alone and abandoned to find their own way free if they wish to return home.

The wizard, only knowing that she has attracted the attention of something bigger and more powerful than she can comprehend devises a plan to keep herself and the rest of mortality safe. To seal it all away where it cannot touch them, where it cannot break free and take its vengeance not just on her but on everything which has ever dared to breathe on the mortal plane. In a final act of abuse she rips everything she can from Xiangli, likely intending to kill them, and uses it to cut the Feywild from the mortal plane. Xiangli is taken back to the other side but as the wizard gave nothing of her own it was an imperfect severing. A scar on the world with cracks big enough for smaller things to wiggle through. A problem for someone else to solve.

A court often has more than one champion and while one came to save Xiangli there was another, younger and not yet as talented, vying for the praise and esteem of a higher station. He is not so sympathetic as to his mistress’s binding; to him it is true she did this to herself. Had she simply been loyal to their court and not longed for something more than they could apparently give her this never would have come to pass and there would not be a war brewing to fill the void in power left by their absence.

Sol is intrigued by the different flavor of loyalty this young champion has and takes him for his own. When Xiangli returns and razes their court for their betrayal he is the only one spared by virtue of his absence. It is not long after that the planes are severed and Sol is trapped on the other side, and while it is true that he cares differently for the courts than they may prefer he knows what this will mean. The Feywild and the material plane will both become stagnant and rot without their sister plane to exchange energy and magic with and without him his courts will eventually destroy each other and likely everything else. Like trapped and stupid animals. He turns his champion into his prince— the Summer Prince —to be his eyes and ears and mouth on the other side and devises a plan to mitigate the rot. Polaris, also trapped on the other side of the scar apart from her courts, sets to similar machinations.

Tianyu and Cephas are trapped. Like the rest of their plane they starve. Tianyu thrashes and revolts and fights against the magic but the larger you are the more likely to be trapped in a net and she only manages to kill herself a few times over. Still licking their wounds and recovering, Xiangli finds them. They are one of two people in the multiverse who knows how this was done. And wouldn’t Tianyu like to see it undone?

Millennia pass. The Feywild chokes and the material plane begins to struggle for breath. They are not meant to exist apart.

A young man joins the militia and then the Magi, the order the wizards have become to protect themselves and their country, trying to rise above station after station in the hopes that if only he scrounges together enough power he can protect everyone. His name is Roy and he decides that anything he can attain on the mortal plane will never be enough to make a difference; he needs godhood.

Xiangli and Tianyu have had millenia to steep in their anger, to grow into a twisted and intertwined mess. They are suffering for being trapped. Between the rage and the dying of the plane, Tianyu has been irrevocably corrupted, her court turning from the Court of Water to the Court of Ice. There are holes in her memory spanning centuries. Xiangli had every good thing about their element and their court ripped out of them; they are no longer warmth or light, only destruction and ash. They wish only to do unto mortality as was done unto them and to be freed they need someone on the other side. Enter a man looking for power to help his people, to protect and better them. Stupid and reckless enough to trust a fey. They devise a plan together.

As the scheme and dance around each other fascination grows into something that could be love, kept carefully at arms length except for rare and careful examination. At her core Xiangli still wants to believe in something good and despite everything Roy is good. For his part he believes that they only want freedom and life for their plane and promises to be loyal until they aren’t. Tianyu hates him and everything he stands to destroy, the pain she knows he will undoubtedly inflict on their only friend.

How it is undone is not as important as the fact that it is. The war that follows is brief, but brutal. In millenia trapped and scrounging for magic in an attempt to control the damage Sol has grown into something else, something more mortal and caring. Something that cares at all. When the planes are torn open and his sister welcomes herself back into the material plane with frozen destruction, he is the only thing that keeps her from destroying everything responsible for hurting her and everything beyond that too. The fight which follows is so great in its magic and violence it cannot be understood even by those who saw, but Tianyu, or the version of them that wanted everything destroyed, is killed. Xiangli attempts what is only possible at the hands of another primordial and tries with all of the power at her disposal to kill Sol too. By all accounts this fight is much shorter and simpler and she dies for nothing.

Roy, having used the magic created in the opening of the scar to send himself to the celestial plane, home of the gods, succeeds in ripping the god of war off of his throne and taking his place. Asserting his role in the position as one of eliminating rather than creating war he helps to settle the rest of the fighting and only discovers later that Xiangli is dead. How he responds to this knowledge isn’t known.

On the other side of what was once the scar, the Summer Prince has kept peace in the Courts of Fire for millenia, making sure his people survived in whatever way they could. Despite their primordials new alignment, there are many among the courts who are of the opinion that the material plane should have burned for trapping them to die. Sol, while kinder and gentler than before, does not understand the gravity of the situation and simply believes their anger will burn itself out. The Prince is caught between a brewing civil war and the being he has devoted his life in service to.

Halfway between then and the present, Tianyu wakes up. She cannot stay dead. As long as the cold and the water exist, so must she. But she is changed. Little memory of the time spent sealed away remains and they are much like their old self, still volatile but without the will to raze an entire plane.

All is well. The planes heal as most of their inhabitants do too.

Sol disappears.

[thistleation]

Long Post. Y’all were warned.

woop, not letting this kind of quality just stay in the tags:

All great points and I want to talk about them, and it’s my blog so y’all can’t stop me.

I also want to talk about the context all around that scene because boy there’s a lot of it.

Not sure where to begin, but I think I’ll start by saying that there is just no universe where the exchanges between Mary and Ava happened entirely smoothly.

Because yes, Ava is super traumatized AND she was being a little shit. There’s also no way she was ever not going to be a little shit because being a little shit is one of the learned defense mechanisms she developed to keep her sanity through years of unresolved trauma and emotional abuse.

And Mary recognizes that. I don’t think she grasps the full extent of Ava’s trauma, and there’s definitely ways in which she simply can’t, but Mary “I was constantly getting into fights” for sure identifies very clearly that, yes, this is DEFINITELY trauma and that is DEFINITELY a defensive reaction.

Mary tells Ava she’s being an ass because she is, but she also doesn’t hold it against her as a person because she gets where it comes from. Beatrice might’ve been the first to start listening to Ava open up about her feelings and offering her comfort, but the time with Mary is the first time Ava gets taken seriously as a person with her own agency, with her own wants and decisions even if those might be decisions Mary would prefer to be different.

Let’s circle back to Ava’s point of view for a moment.

What Ava went through is deeply fucked up. And that includes what happened after her resurrection. She got brought back to life by some weird object, a different branch of the very institution that abused and killed her says “that object belongs to us, so now we kinda expect you to fight and put your life on the line for us until you die” and she needs that object to live so she has no choice. 

If anything “deeply fucked up” is an understatement.

Of course she runs and keeps running. But that’s no way to live, because it will keep haunting her. Because like it or not, fucked up or not, demons are still a thing and that object Ava needs to live is the only thing that can deal with them. There’s no running from that.

Ava needs and deserves to have her trauma addressed, and to find some space to unpack it. But in that specific moment, what Ava needs is to be snapped out of her reflex to run so she can take stock of her situation and actually make some decisions.

Back to Mary.

Mary knows what the other side of the coin looks like here. Mary knows the OCS has good people, people with love in their hearts. And the life might be hard and dangerous, but it’s not so bad a thing to dedicate your life to helping people if you choose it.

The others in the OCS feel much the same way, even Lilith, blinded by her pride and ready to cut the Halo out of Ava regardless of what that will do to her still gives her that chance. Because the Halo “offered you a purpose.”

What they all miss, what Mary comes to understand, is that it’s not much of a purpose if it’s forced onto you.

Mary is the one who puts the question in front of Ava, a little roughly in some ways, but so very gently in other ways, without actually asking it, without putting Ava on the spot, without making it feel like she’s trying to guilt her into anything, Mary guides her to the reality of the situation, to the context, and lets Ava ask and answer the question for herself:

If you *did* have the choice... if you *did* have the power and the chance to help people, would you? 

Think about it. Without Mary giving her that, Ava could never have known peace. She’d either be fighting demons for a church she didn’t believe in, forever resentful of her life being claimed by other people for their own ends, or she’d be always running, at best trying to help people she’s woefully unequipped to help, at worst haunted by guilt over everyone she’s not saving by choosing a life for her own.

By making the choice herself, Ava is able to accept it, and she’s able to have a life she otherwise never could have.

Full disclosure of bias: ep 6 is like, pretty much my favorite episode.

And I think a big part of the reason for that is how it goes about its central theme. It’s so wonderfully decompressed. It really takes the time to let Ava and Mary bounce off each other, get to learn about each other, and slowly come to understand each other.

You can also see Mary learning the ins and outs of Ava as they go. She starts off coming out of ep 5, still kind of treating Ava like a wayward child that first needs to come home and THEN we can talk about stuff (see: “I’m saying you’re not better than a child”) but she figures her out more as they go, and she gives Ava the space she needs to breathe and calm down.

And that calm is so important because ep 6 is so fundamentally about choice, and both the episode and Mary commit to that fully. Mary never asks Ava outright “would you help people if it was your choice,” because that would be coercive. What kind of monster wouldn’t help people if they could? Mary never says anything like “I know you’ll do the right thing,” even though she fully trusts Ava will come back to them.

Ava’s not stupid, she knows what Mary’s doing and is vocally suspicious all the way through, but Mary isn’t playing games. She doesn’t try to push or coerce Ava, she just lays out in front of her things she doesn’t know yet, things that she might want to know to help her make a choice.

And then she proves that it is a choice by giving Ava everything she can to help her on her way and she drives off with Beatrice. Not just personally deciding, but telling her sisters that “We need to trust this girl, we need to give her the choice because it’s the right thing to do.”

The fact that she knows that Ava, once she’s gotten all the facts, will choose to fight for those that need it does not make it any less of a choice.

Masterpiece of an episode, I love it forever.

I see we're trying to criticize mary for "you don't get to use your trauma as an excuse to be an asshole about my dead and endangered family" again

[bearybutch]

Happy LDOV my loves!!

sending a special kiss to butches and femmes today!

[cowboahs]

quotes that broke me starters

feel free to adjust pronouns / names as needed !

quotes taken from random sources or tiktok. i claim no ownership whatsoever.

❛   i’m supposed to be the one who protects you from monsters. i’m not supposed to be one.  ❜  

❛   if i could make a deal with god, and i’d get him to swap our places.  ❜  

❛  no one heard our screams for a long time.  ❜  

❛   i know so many last words. but i’ll never know hers.  ❜  

❛   there is a home for every departed thing.  ❜  

❛   it reminded me that i will never truly know you.  ❜  

❛   i also buried a part of myself alongside them.  ❜  

❛   after you died i could no longer hold a funeral. so my life became the funeral.  ❜  

❛   you don’t have to be awake to cry.  ❜  

❛   forgive me, for all the things i did. but mostly the things i didn’t do.  ❜  

❛   the human eye is the loneliest creation of all.  ❜  

❛   fairness is for happy people.  ❜  

❛   the things we lost will always be heavier than the things that stayed.  ❜  

❛   perhaps it is the greater grief, to remain on the earth when another is gone.  ❜  

❛   you stain the pages with yourself.  ❜  

❛   tears will not wash away the sorrow.  ❜  

❛   beautiful things grow a certain height and then they fall and fade off.  ❜  

❛    who in all these centuries has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?  ❜  

❛   i have scars on my hands from touching certain people  ❜  

❛   despite everything, i believe that people are really good at heart.  ❜  

❛   you tried to change, didn't you?  ❜

❛   you can’t make homes out of people. someone should have taught you that.  ❜  

❛   i hid my deepest feelings so well, i forgot where i placed them.  ❜  

❛   we have no scar to show for happiness. we learn so little from peace.  ❜  

❛   i didn't leave because i stopped loving you. i left because the longer i stayed, the less i loved myself.  ❜  

❛   at every moment in our life, we have one foot in a fairytale & the other in the abyss.  ❜  

❛   there are too many sad eyes on happy faces.  ❜  

❛   it's strange, i felt less lonely when i didn't know you.  ❜  

❛   things change, friends leave. life doesn't stop for anybody.  ❜  

❛   it takes a lifetime to die, and no time at all.  ❜  

❛   i am deathly afraid of almosts. of coming close to what i want and then falling just a little short.  ❜  

❛   i felt your absence.  ❜  

❛   what do we do now, now that we are happy?  ❜  

❛    you honestly thought anybody would love you? purely and truly love you?  ❜  

❛   don't stop looking. he deserves to know someone saw his end, that someone noticed him.  ❜  

❛    i can bear my pain so long as it has meaning.  ❜  

❛   i dont have a single friend - not one.  ❜  

❛   i've had more than enough pain in my life, what's a little more going to do?  ❜  

❛    it would have been you if i met you first.  ❜  

❛    i really thought he was going to be my forever.  ❜  

❛    maybe in the next life it would work.  ❜  

❛   in spite of everything, you're still you.  ❜  

❛   the dead have it easy.  ❜  

❛   there's an ocean of silence between us, and I'm drowning.    ❜  

❛   there have been countless times in my life when i thought i’d be better off dead.  ❜  

❛   what on earth... have i become?  ❜  

❛   don’t look at me! i don’t ... i don’t want you seeing me like this.  ❜  

❛   i wish i could’ve been like you.  ❜  

❛   your fate was sweeping you away, like a flood.  ❜  

❛   the future should know the mistakes we made.  ❜  

❛   of course you have. you feel guilt. you want redemption.  ❜  

❛   i'm here because you can't accept what you've done. it broke you.  ❜  

❛   even now, after all you've done, you can still go home.  lucky you . ❜  

❛   you're all that's left, and we can't live this lie forever.  ❜  

❛    prometheus gave us light, and warmth, and eternal damnation.  ❜  

❛   take a gamble that love exists, and do a loving act.  ❜  

❛    i know i ruined your life. i suffer for it every day.  ❜  

❛   don't let yourself get killed for... for pride. i’ve seen it kill too many folk.  ❜  

❛    you and me, we ain't decent... but those folk... they were.  ❜  

❛   we're more ghosts than people.  ❜  

❛   despite my best efforts to the contrary... it turns out i've won.  ❜  

❛   i gave you all i had ... i did.  ❜  

❛   this whole time, I've blamed myself for that decision.  ❜  

❛   do you think even the worst person can change...? That everybody can be a good person, if they just try? ❜  

❛   i don't want to break their hearts all over again. it's better if they never see me.  ❜  

❛   please leave me alone. i can't come back. i just ... can't, okay?  ❜  

❛   no matter the struggles or hardships you faced... you strived to do the right thing, you refused to hurt anyone. ❜  

❛    people like you don't ever want to be happy.  ❜  

❛   i don’t want to let go. i’m not ready to say goodbye yet.  ❜  

[milkiane]

MY FOREVER VALENTINE; druig

summary: druig finally understands what it means to love and to be loved, and it’s all thanks to you: his forever valentine.

warnings: excessive use of the word ‘love’, implications of a sexual joke, very very fluffy shit ! lovesick druig is my man // gif credits to @rileybinaa

word count: 2830

druig never understood the concept of valentine’s day, or how humans never fail to make a big fuss about it. there are three hundred and sixty-five days for people to show their love to someone, to express their adorations and commitment, to buy them flowers and chocolates, to write them softhearted love letters and poems.

what was so special about february 14th?

but in all honesty, if someone had to force the truth out of druig, he did. he did understand the concept of valentine’s day, he just didn’t have someone to love. never in his seven thousand years of living on earth has he ever felt those butterflies in his stomach, or the beating of his heart out of his chest, or that dizzying euphoric feeling; and all because of one person.

druig wants to love, he wants to be loved.

he is a lover, with or without one.

we exist for love — love is the reason why we’re here, he thinks.

and druig can see that now, he can see why love is such an immense feeling. he can see why people do things for the sake of love, why people die for love.

love. love. love. it’s all because of love.

love is soft and gentle. love is raw and painful. love is captivating, it’s spellbinding, it’s maddening! and quite frankly, that’s what makes it so beautiful.

and it’s all because of you — you showed him what love would feel like.

you, who is unapologetically and beautifully human.

you, who have managed to bewitch him with nothing but your charm and wits.

you, who made him unapologetically and beautifully human.

after years of observing and noting how people would just live with such tenderness and adoration, he finally found what he has been missing all his life.

he found love and that’s something he took pride in. he found love in you, and slowly, he started to find love in everything. he fell in love with you, and he started to fall in love with the world; with its beauty.

he finally understood what it would be like to be loved — and to be loved by you of all people?

oh, how sweet it is to be loved by you.

he wants to create a word just as beautiful as his love for you, but for now, he’s just going to have to make use.

“will you be my valentine, my love?”

you look up from your book to see druig behind you, his head poking over your shoulder as he hands you a wine-colored rose, a blithesome smirk gracing his lips.

“you’re five minutes late, druig,” you avert, trying to hold back the rhapsodic smile that was teasing your lips. you hold onto the rose, breathing in the aromatic smell as druig sits beside you on the park bench, his arm draped around you.

“well, i had to look good for m’lover now, don’t i?” druig grins, the familiar persistence of his accent evident in his teasing quip. it was true — druig did take his sweet time in seeking the right outfit before eventually settling with his usual leather jacket get-up.

you laugh softly, nudging his shoulder with yours — a habit of his you seemed to have picked up, he noticed — as you attempt to hide the rushing heat on your cheeks.

druig’s smooth-talking never failed to make you feel like a lovesick schoolgirl with a crush.

he is special; druig. you’ve known that the first time you laid eyes on the blue-eyed boy. with his quick-witted humor and charm, accompanied by his lovely looks — it wasn’t a shocker that you fell for him.

and then you found out that he is an eternal; an immortal graced with powers to protect humanity. he is a man of a thousand years and wisdom, having seen the evolution of your world as he battled with deviants, monsters that left the lives of many in peril.

you still couldn’t wrap your mind around the fact that he chose you out of all the people in the world, mortals and immortals, somehow he chose you to love.

the universe couldn’t have been more in your favor. you continued to thank every star in the sky for giving you your lover. your other half. your twin flame. your soulmate. your druig.

“well, lover,“ you beam a smile. “i got you a flower, too.” it was a sunflower, along with handpicked daisies, adorning in the vast colors of blue felt paper (it matches his eyes, you thought). your smile parallels his as it was now in the hands of your muse. a beautiful flower for a blooming one.

you pull out a daisy from the mini bouquet and tuck it behind his ear. you whisper, “you’re so surreal,”

“i’m as real as i can be, love.” druig smiles, brushing his lips against yours in a soft kiss. he stops to take a breather, resting his forehead against yours.

“i’ve been shot by cupid’s arrow.”

“sap,” you mumbled.

it’s comical how over the top the decorations were this year. every niche and alcove is decorated with hearts, and cupids, and cheesy pick-up lines.

druig has his nose scrunched up at this every other second, he prefers to look at you instead as the amused smile gracing your lips never left.

you find it hilarious. he finds you beautiful.

the weather was perfect, though. the sun was shining, a little bit hidden by the fluffy clouds scattered on the open blue sky. couples were sprinkled all around as well, making the most out of the day.

“everything is just… so red!” you say, the sound you emit was the combination of a scoff and a laugh.

“d’you want me to make ‘em change the colors?” druig suggests, wiggling his eyebrows at you. “possibly purple? pink? blue? — so it matches the color of my eyes?”

“you are such a-“ you stop in your tracks.

druig unintentionally tugs at your hand when you abruptly tumble to a stop. he looks at you, confused, before letting his own eyes follow the subject of your distraction.

“d’you know what i’m thinking?” you ask.

druig grinned.

“i do not dress like that!” druig scowls.

“you���re literally wearing the exact same thing right now!” you point out, a teasing grin on your face.

“but you make it look so… goofy.”

the two of you were holding up the same timeless teddy’s, picking up clothes and accessories for your bears because you were making each other.

“i think it’s cute.” you shrug, grabbing the black boots on the rack.

he mumbles something under his breath as he grabs the clothes that seemed fitting for your bear version. “leather jackets aren’t cute. they’re s’pposed to look cool.”

“whatever you say, druig.” you snort.

he pursed his lips trying to hide the smile that was threatening to spread across his lips. your eyes lit up brighter than the build-a-bear’s beaming lights.

you were happy, and druig was so gratified that he is living the same moment as your happiness — because it was the most beautiful thing that someone can ever witness.

“c’mon, we have to stuff them!”

“i know another thing i could stuff,” he murmurs mischievously.

“druig!” you gape at him in horror, watching as he doubles down with roguish laughter.

you glare at him as he continues to catch his breath. you grabbed your druig bear and stomped towards the stuffing station, leaving him gasping for air as he yelled, “no, c’mon, y/n! t’was a joke.”

druig was holding back the laughter threatening to escape his throat as he wiggled his eyebrows at you, watching as his y/n bear gets filled with stuffings.

“druig!” you hush him, pinching his arm lightly. “you’re being a child!”

he yelped dramatically, pouting his lips as he rubbed the spot. he grinned almost immediately again though, pulling you against his chest to plant kisses all over the side of your face.

“druig,” you whined playfully, scrunching your nose up at the feeling of his soft kisses. you love this man so much.

a soft chuckle snaps you out of your little world, the two of you look for the source of the sound — it was the lady stuffing your bears. “you two remind me of my husband and i, we’ve been together for sixteen years now.”

“awe,” you coo, eyes softening and heart bursting. you feel druig tighten his hold on you, swaying the two of you. he knew how much you love love. you were a sucker for love stories.

the woman sighs happily as she guides you towards the next station. she lets the two of you pick a scent — in which you pick lavender, and druig picks strawberry — and on with the heart ceremony.

she continues, “yeah, it’s rare to find a love as beautiful as yours,”

you and druig grab the small paper hearts and smile at each other, eyes connected as you gave it a kiss.

“— so you two better cherish it forever. love works in mysterious ways,”

you type in the name of your dressed timeless teddy, druig. and druig does the same for his, y/n.

“— and yet it never fails to bring two of the most ideal people together.”

she smiles softly at the two of you. “well, congratulations on your first build-a-bears! thank you for choosing to celebrate this day with us, i don’t doubt this will be a memorable moment for not only the two of you as it was for me. happy valentine’s day, you two!”

“happy valentine’s day!” you greet back, offering her one last smile before leaving with druig. your own mini-me’s held in one hand as you held your lover’s in the other.

“she is so nice.” you simper. “i wonder how…”

your words faded as you continued to speak, all druig could think about is the smile on your face and how he wishes to see it all the time — to be the reason behind it.

the lady’s sweet words continue to swirl in his mind. love does work in mysterious ways, he thought, but you and him will never be a mystery because you two complement each other in every perfect way possible.

druig couldn’t agree more.

it is complete and utter heaven to form something as beautiful as your love for each other.

he couldn’t imagine living life without you. how could he? after getting a drift of how it would feel to be loved by you? it’s all he could ever yearn for. he wouldn’t last a second.

it was as if time flew by faster than makkari’s morning run because before you knew it, the sun was already setting. the brisk sinking sun created a scenic view that cast a soft glow on whatever the rays caressed.

as you and druig mindlessly walk around with no destination in mind, you sigh in content as you look back at today’s rendezvous.

you had brunch at a beautiful family-owned bistro near the park where druig picked you up. apparently, he was friends with the kind old lady who owned the place, earning a generous discount on the house, and a garlic bread or two especially packed for your lover.

you went around after that, which led you to make an exceptional quick stop to build-a-bear. you snapped a lot of pictures after leaving the workshop, much to druig’s chagrin.

and the museum was just calling out for the two of you as soon as your eyes fell upon it. druig had a smile on his face the entire time. you weren’t sure if it was because he personally lived through the history instilled in the art, reminiscing as he explained it to you, or if it was because of the risky snacking on the packet of candies you sneaked in. maybe it was both.

you wish, and always hold onto hope, that time could cease and halt for a moment, just for the sole reason of remaining in this very moment with your lover, simply basking in the moments you yearned to stay in forever with nobody else but druig.

you wanted enough time to count the freckles that were littered across his cheeks, enough time to give in to his “stay with me for five more minutes,” whispers in the morning, enough time to dance the night away with him, enough time to listen to his inner plant dad knowledge, enough time to argue that “yes, it is actually very crucial to own a dog, druig!”, enough time to tell him everything you love about him, to show him how much you love him. you just wanted enough time with him.

you simply wanted enough time to do everything and nothing with him.

“hey, i think i lost you a lil’ bit in there,” he taps your forehead. “what’s wrong, my love?”

“nothing,” you smile reassuringly. “m’just happy you’re here with me.”

“i am, too,” he pulls you in closer, planting a soft kiss on your temple. druig keeps his arm around you at all times, wanting to be as close to you as possible.

“look, dru,” you point out the tarpaulin hanging over the street lamps. “there’s an open evening fair a few blocks down.”

“d’you wanna go?” he asks.

“can we?”

“i don’t know, d’you think they’ll allow a couple as pretty as us to get in?”

you shake your head in amusement, not being able to resist pulling him in for a sweet kiss. “i bet you will bewitch them with your irresistible charm if they don’t anyway, dru.”

the place is filled to the brim with the same loud decorations, love songs were playing in the hidden speakers, and there were couples, friends and families all over the fair. druig nearly complained at the sight until his gaze landed on the divine food stalls.

his mouth watered.

he immediately drags you with him.

‘you’re just too good to be true, can’t take my eyes off of you…’

you let out a small gasp, pulling druig away from the free samples for a dance. you lead him towards the open space and started moving to the beat of the song.

druig halted, a bit hesitant on doing such an intimate thing with you in an open space. you two danced all the time. it wasn’t something new for him, though he was used to doing it behind closed doors; away from peering eyes of the world.

but with just one look in your eyes, he was a goner.

so he pulls you in closer with his arms snaking its way around your waist, swaying along to the melody of the song. he leans his forehead against yours, eyes fluttering shut as you lose yourselves in the moment.

you smile, feeling his skin against yours, bodies close and moving. you can feel his warmth, you can smell his lavender cologne. your hands roam around his body, memorizing every curve and muscle. you can feel his lips pressed against yours, moving in a soft and tender sync.

soon enough, your beautiful moment attracts an older couple. you smiled softly at them as the older lady gave you a wink. they start to slow-dance as if they’re back in the seventies, getting lost in each other’s eyes as they imagine their surroundings changing to memories of the reminiscents.

druig chuckled, planting a kiss on your nose.

and then came couples after couple, the open space slowly filling up with lovers who also wished to share a moment that was worthy of their own love stories.

the colorful hues that once colored the sky were now painted a dark blue with twinkling stars dispersed beautifully. it reminded you of druig’s freckles.

as the night went on, you managed to explore the entirety of the fair and chose to unwind the languor by laying down on your backs, a new blanket bought from one of the stalls shielding you from the prickly grass.

“i like your face,” you murmur. you were laying on your side as you continued to trace the starry freckles on your lover’s cheeks, your featherlight touches tickling his face every so often.

“i like your face, too,” druig smiles. his own finger coming up to trace the slope of your nose to the curve of your jaw.

every touch, you’re both grateful for. you left no skin untouched as you memorize each other’s artistic features with a stroke as soft as a new paintbrush.

he stops for a moment, letting his thumb caress your cheek before slowly pulling you in for a soft kiss.

“i love you.” you sigh in content, resting your head on his chest, his heartbeat slow and steady, the sound that is responsible for giving you hope and hearth — a beat that defeats every gentle lullaby.

“i love you more, my forever valentine.”

[mulberrytea]

Anonymous asked: what's it like being 23?

ryebreadgf answered: you still feel 18 just like you felt 15 when you were 18 and just like you felt 9 when you were 15 and just like you feel 6 always

gaycommunist: actually, growing up is feeling like i turned sixteen two days ago. i've been eighteen for years. fifteen year olds seem so young. wasn't i fifteen just a few weeks ago? all my friends and i are still twelve. i'm closer to thirty then to being a baby. i never got to be a kid. i never grew past eight. i can't talk to my mom. i want to sit in her lap forever. the week is going by so slow. an entire year has passed. i want to decide everything for myself. i need someone to tell me exactly what to do.

"Be softer with you. You are a breathing thing. A memory to someone. A home to a life.” — Nayyirah Waheed

So when you met the new you Were you scared? Were you cold Were you kind? Yeah when you met the new you Did someone die inside?

Looks like it's time to decide Are you here? Are you now? Is this it? All of those selves that you tried Wasn't one of 'em good enough?

And I was so young

When I behaved

Twenty five

Yet now I find

I've grown into

A tall child

“The trees you planted in childhood have grown too heavy. You cannot bring them along. Give yourselves to the air, to what you cannot hold.” — Rainer Maria Rilke, “Part One IV,” from Sonnets to Orpheus

“Above all else, it is about leaving a mark that I existed: I was here. I was hungry. I was defeated. I was happy. I was sad. I was in love. I was afraid. I was hopeful. I had an idea and I had a good purpose” — Felix Gonzalez-Torres

It is not the fear of moving on that scares me it is the fear of never going back. They never told us just how much it would cost to choose in life.

"In the end, everyone is aware of this: nobody keeps any of what he has, and life is only a borrowing of bones."

— Pablo Neruda

Remember: You will never Have these days Again.

“Everything is more beautiful because we are doomed. You will never be lovelier than you are now. We will never be here again.”

— Homer, The Iliad 

i don't pay attention to the world ending. it has ended for me many times and began again in the morning.

Everywhere you look there's beauty, and it's rimed with death. If you find injustice you'll find humans, and this means that if you listen, you'll find love. The substance of the world is light, is water: here, clear even when it's dying; even when the dying seems unbearable, it runs.

“I am awfully sentimental. Of books, belongings, people, places. It matters very little how positive or negative the experience was. If it shared some meaningful time in my life, I’ll have trouble letting go.” ― Beau Taplin, Buried Light

your lover gives you his copy of ovid. inside is a note that reads, change has always been tragically beautiful. your dreams and nightmares both are haunted with transformation

But a woman is a changeling

Always shifting shape

Just when you think you have it figured out

Something new begins to take

What strange claws are these

Scratching at my skin?

I never knew my killer would be coming from within

“People confuse past With present. They think you are Still who you used to be, When that person has Long since died Their death.”― David Jones, Love and Space Dust

just another birthday

1/2

1. Madeline L'Engle 2. @/ryebreadgf 3. @/gaycommunist 4. Nayyirah Waheed 5. upside down and inside out by OK Go 6. The Pride By Alexi Kaye Campbell 7. @/chacoco 8. War of the Foxes by Richard Siken 9. Daphne du Maurier 10. @/ryebreadgf 11. First Love / Late Spring by Mitski 12. Sonnets to Orpheus, Part One, IV by Rainer Maria Rilke 13. The Heart Remembers: A Memoir of Personal Growth by J. Lei  14. When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times by Pema Chödrön 15. Rachel Wolchin 16. Adonis, from “Persons”, Selected Poems via (@/weltenwellen) 17. @/grendel-menz 18. Breasts and Eggs by Mieko Kawakami 19. Kevin Lucbert 20. David Jones 20. @/sharksandpoems 21. thoughts of a stray iii 22. The Haunting of Hill House by Shirley Jackson 23. Love Letters or Suicide Notes by Doc Luben 24. The Empty Book by Josefina Vicens 25. Felix Gonzalez-Torres 26. we're not really strangers 27. Pablo Neruda 28. unknown/attributed to multiple sources 29: Homer, The Iliad 30. Nayyirah Waheed 31. Forge by Jan Zwicky 32. Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami 33. @/hel7l7 34. Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson 35. The Black Unicorn: Poems by Audre Lorde 36. Welcome to Night Vale by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor 37. Lesley Imgart 38. Hello World by tfb 39. @/hel7l7 40. Buried Light by Beau Taplin 41. @/hel7l7 42. Little Weirds by Jenny Slate 43. Eternal City by Kathleen Graber 44. Hans Vandekerckhove —The Road Never Ends 45. unknown/attributed to multiple sources 46. GOD GAVE THE DESERT TOO MANY TEETH (R. Wright) 47. Fallen Angel by Keaton St. James 48. Flowers on the Grave by The Maine 49. @/grendel-menz 50. Questions for Ada by Ijeoma Umebinyuo 51. @EmilyRCWilson (twitter) 52. Ribs by Lorde 53. Overwhelmed by Valeria Duca 54. The Beer by Kimya Dawson 55. King by Florence + The Machine 56. White Nights by Fyodor Dostoevsky 57. Dialogue Between an AI and a Poet @/demasc 58. @/hel7l7 59. @/azraqed 60. Anne of Green Gables by LM Montgomery 61. Love and Space Dust by David Jones 62. Octavio Paz, tr. by Eliot Weinberger, from “Sunstone”, The Poems of Octavio Paz (via @/weltenwellen) 63. Blue Iris: Poems and Essays by Mary Oliver 64. sketch 28/12/17. by @/holly-warbs 65. The Glass Essay by Anne Carson 66. Dear Boy by Emily Berry

[forsakenmis]

After the snap

Summary: Wanda was snapped away. You, on the other hand, remained and had moved on. You moved out of the country, started a new job, and had even gone on a few dates. Then everyone came back and suddenly a familiar witch was knocking on your workplace door.

Pairings: Top!Wanda x Reader

Warnings: dark!wanda, oral (r receiving), strap, public sex, posessive wanda, mummy kink

You’d long put away the shield (so to speak) and were at a point that going back to everyone just seemed so jarring. Maybe you didn’t want to believe it wasn’t true. After five years of grieving, of building a new life, and suddenly everyone’s just….back.

Wanda was back.

You knew it was wrong to have not contacted her. For her, it must seem like yesterday that you were whispering your plans about eloping, but that was five years ago. You moved on. Found someone else. She was nice, sweet, normal. She worked as a custom officer but she could spend hours and hours talking about all these topics that fascinated you.

She also was very predictable and normal.

Admittedly, your relationship hadn’t quite been defined. You suspected she was seeing other people, keeping her options open, and you weren’t sure how long you two were going to last but you were enjoying the time that you had together.

On top of that, you had a job at a bookstore that paid your rent. Sure, it wasn’t as flashy as it was back then but you liked being surrounded by all the books, some new and some falling apart. You spent a lot of pride restoring the latter in the back. You never had much of a chance to read before everything happened, your life was mostly spent trying to make sure everyone didn’t die.

Your abilities were healing based and that was more useful than you had initially thought when you first met them all. In fact, you thought you were awfully inadequate compared to people like Steve Rogers, Thor and Wanda Maximoff. But your time was kept filled to the brim.

Your only time to relax was your time with Wanda.

It had started off innocent enough. She used to stay with you after you finished up in the medic bay. She’d have dinner with you. Admittedly, you were pretty sure she didn’t have many other friends in the complex. Then it grew until she was fucking you every chance she could get. How else would either of you relax?

But that was a long time ago. You were done with that life. You weren’t the same person anymore. You ran and started a new life and not even the idea of Wanda could make you go back and maybe she was just that–an idea.

You were confident none of them would find you. Natasha couldn’t. You knew she had been trying to track you down like she had for Clint but no one came knocking on your door. So if they couldn’t, you were pretty sure she wouldn’t be able to find you either.

You’d just closed shop, the sunset streaming through the shutters covering the windows, and were taking stock. It had been a quiet day, but it was always quiet on a Tuesday so you had easily reached the predicted quota. The one downside was your boss, but he was only around once a week.

He was the kid of some millionaire who was trying to be hip and all that. So he opened some urban bookstore but he was too busy partying to actually stay on top of the business. Which is fine-you liked that arrangement. You’ll keep the shop running and he’ll never be up in your business. It worked without a bump in the road.

You were nearly done for the day, all you had to do after was–

The bell attached to the door trinkled. Someone had walked in. It was nearly half past, well past closing, so surely your boss would understand if you told whoever it is to leave. You were behind the shelves, you couldn’t see who had walked in. They weren’t making a lot of noise. Some people just had that soft touch, usually women.

Coming out to the front, your mouth already opening to ask them to leave, your words died in your throat.

Wanda.

Your eyes were frozen on her face, her eyes, those big doe eyes that always drew you in. She was smiling, an expression full of relief, and she was taking you in, grazing your body, before she moved forward to close the distance.

You stepped back.

Frozen with the air changing. Heavier, like you could feel the gravity pulling you down. Her light, happy, expression melted off and confusion replaced it.

“Wanda,” you said, wanting to cut her off, you couldn’t do it. You couldn’t listen to her. She’d want you to come back. Five years for you, a few days for her. “You shouldn’t be here.”

You may as well have slapped her.

“Shouldn’t be here?” Wanda repeated and you closed your eyes. For the first time in years, you heard her voice. That voice that whispered to you in your dreams. A voice you thought you could hear every time you were alone. “I think I’m exactly where I need to be.”

When you opened your eyes again, you jumped, she was right there. You didn’t even hear her footsteps. “Wan–” you began but then her lips were on yours, her tongue sliding into your open mouth and you grunted in shock. You didn’t kiss back but you didn’t push her off either. You froze. You let her tongue be pushed down your throat as her hands slid onto your cheeks.

Her thumbs beginning to rub small circles into your skin pushed you back into action, your hands going to hips to shove her off you hard enough that she stumbled back a few steps.

“Wanda, I can’t,” you hissed out. “It’s been five years. I…”

“Why aren’t you happy then?” Wanda asked, bewilderment splashed across her face and almost instantly did guilt wash through you. Like you were betraying her somehow. “I was gone for five years, and now I’m back. Why didn’t you come back? Surely, you didn’t move on that easily?”

With that, the guilt was gone.

“Easily?” You hissed out, your hands balling into fists, “don’t come into my shop and–”

You stopped. It was no use getting angry. Your sentences always fumbled into one elongated word that no one could ever understand. “You have no idea what the five years have been like,” you snapped and she tilted her head, just slightly, but enough that a cold chill went down your spine. “You shouldn’t have looked for me. I’m not interested in going back to the avengers. I moved on.”

With that, you turned on your heel to go behind the desk, tapping away at the register. Maybe if you ignored her, she’d get the hint and leave.

“So you developed an attitude?” Wanda remarked and slid her hands into the woollen cardigan that...you knitted her. You frowned when you made the connection. You spent hours labouring away at it. It wasn’t that good, the colours were awful, but she rarely took it off. “Seems we have to start at square one again.”

You frowned. You seem to be doing that a lot. You could already see the wrinkles beginning to form on your forehead. Why wasn’t she listening to you? “I’m seeing someone,” you blurted out as the cash register popped open loudly and Wanda’s face went blank as she registered what you just said. “A girl. She’s nice.”

You weren’t sure if you just signed this girl’s death certificate.

You kept eye contact with the Sokovian and even when her face morphed into a cold fury you hadn’t seen since the civil war. Her expression was tight and it almost looked like she was trying to hold herself back.

“I see.”

“I’m sorry,” you whispered after a moment, “I...I know this can’t be easy for you either. I know it must seem like last week that...well. You know. I just...that life is over, for me at least. I hope you can understand.”

Wanda was silent. She was being too silent. She didn’t say anything, she stood there watching you, and you were too nervous to say anything else or make the next move. Maybe, hopefully, Wanda wouldn’t even say anything else, just walk out. Resent you for the rest of her life. It was better that way.

Instead she walked around the register and your heart dropped to your stomach.

“Wanda-”

“Shut up,” she hissed, her hand whipping up to grab your jaw. Your hands shot up to her wrists and she dragged you forward, closer to her face. “Do you really think I’d let you give up on us this easily? That I’d let you whore yourself out to some girl off the street?”

You didn’t say anything but your glare said enough.

“I trained you so well. I spent years breaking you in, years loving you, and you treat me like this? Like I’m just some common bitch you can throw onto the street?” Wanda’s tone didn’t match her words. Her tone was soft, almost a coo, sounding more disappointed than angry. You almost wished she was more angry than disappointed.

Her lips were on yours again and her hand moved to the back of your head, her teeth biting down into your lips and you groaned at the sharp pain, giving her entrance back into your mouth.

A hand went down between your legs, rubbing, and you instinctively opened your legs. Your body remembered her. Remembered her scent. Everything.

Wanda hummed in approval and soon you were being pushed onto the counter. She broke the kiss, pulling back to look down at you, her hands beginning to rub the inside of your thighs. “Just one night,” she whispered, her expression already having smoothed out, as if that kiss, your touch, was all she needed. “One night with me and if you still want me to leave by the end of the night...well, I’ll leave you alone. Forever. Even if you change your mind. Even if you come crawling back, begging.”

You doubted her. Something in the back of your mind didn’t believe her. On anything. You were pretty sure she wanted you to beg. Your hands were shaking and you gulped. Everything about this reminded you of when you were last happy. Like you were back in the avengers tower where nothing was going wrong.

Her lips were on yours again and her hands soon began to pull at your skirt, ripping them off you with ease, to find nothing but your bare cunt for anyone to see. You jerked up when her hand slammed against it, slapping it. Once, twice, three times, four. “You dirty little whore,” she whispered, “you let anyone and everyone see this, didn’t you?” She slid a finger into your folds and your bottom lip trembled.

“Wanda…” you whispered, feeling your own walls beginning to crumble. Maybe one night wasn’t so bad. One night. One indulgence.

“It’s mine tonight,” Wanda confirmed before suddenly her hands were on your waist and flipped you around and your stomach slapped onto the desk, taking away your breath, leaving you gasping. “You said I didn’t know what happened. In the past five years. You’re right, I don’t, but you’re going to tell me. Tell me everything I missed. If you leave anything out, and I know when you do sweetheart, I’ll stop. Understand me?”

“Yes,” you breathed out as you felt her mouth in between your legs, her tongue lapping at your clit and your back arched as you tried to push more of yourself into her. Soon, it started spilling out. What you did the first few months, how you struggled to get out of bed, how you travelled the world. Therapy. Everything. Her tongue didn’t stop, in fact the more you spilt, her tongue sped up, making you wetter and wetter by the second. “I couldn’t get you out of my head,” you mumbled by the end of it, “I found her. She was everything you weren’t. Mundane. Boring.”

Your stomach was tightening, that tempting release building and building, so expertly brought on by the way Wanda devoured you, the way she breathed onto your throbbing clit, the way her tongue teased your gaping entrance. When you stopped, she pulled away and you bit down onto your bottom lip to stop yourself from cursing.

“Such a good little whore for me,” Wanda purred, her hand falling in between your slit to rub your clit and the moan that left your mouth sacrificed any and all self respect that you might have been clinging onto. “This is where you belong isn’t it? Bent over for mummy. I treat you so well, don’t I?”

Two fingers dipped into your already gaping entrance pushing them in and out. “I think you deserve a little reward,” Wanda hummed out, “for being so honest with mummy.”

You didn’t have much long to prepare before you felt a strap push into your entrance and you gasped in a sharp breath, your eyes bulging and your body pressed forward. Wanda didn’t push into you completely, only pushed the tip in and out, focussing on the one area.

In truth, that was worse than if she shoved into you completely. You were forced to focus on that one area, not get that relief if she were to push in deeper, and it was as if she was grabbing at every inch of your mind, forcing you to feel nothing but that tip dipping in and out of your body.

“Tell me…” she whispered, her hands coming onto your waist to grip them, nails digging into your skin, “tell me where you belong, baby girl. Who you belong to. Look at you, five years without me and you still get so wet for me. I go in so easily. Don’t worry, baby, I’m not going to leave you again.”

“W-w-” you choked out and you took in a breath, trying to contain the moans slipping out of your mouth, “you said one–”

Her hand slammed down onto your bare ass and you jerked forward. Still, she didn’t go deeper, didn’t give you what you wanted. Still, you didn’t verbalise this. Your skin was stinging and your fingers reached up to hang onto the edge of the desk.

“Answer my question, don’t make me treat you like a common whore,” Wanda hissed, pulling out completely just to thrust back in, shoving more of the shaft inside of you, ripping your walls open, but then she pulled back to just the tip again.

Then the doorbell rang again and it was as if someone poured a bucket of ice cold water all over your body. Your vision was already blurring by this point but you could see her outline, the blonde hair, standing at the door.

Wanda slammed into you, bottoming out, and a scream shot out of your lips, whilst her hands were in your hair, pulling your head back until your neck was straining. She could see your face, see every expression you pulled as Wanda began to fuck you without restraint.

“If I were you,” Wanda’s voice broke through your moans and screams, icy cold and calm despite the way she was beginning to thrust inside of you, “I’d leave and never come back. If you knew what was good for you, you’d wipe my girl from everything. Phone, address, memories.”

You couldn’t hear what she said, you could hear her voice, but unlike Wanda, it was all a garbled mess. Even in this state, Wanda’s words were in absolute clarity. You watched her leave. The door clicked shut and you swore you could see red mist at the door, locking it.

Wanda bent over you, pressing down onto your back, lips pressing against your neck, sucking and nipping, her hips still pushing inside of you, pushing you closer and closer to an orgasm that was tightening at the base of your stomach.

Then her movements slowed until she was completely still, her strap still inside of you, your walls wrapped around it, clinging to it.

“Much better, just us,” Wanda whispered as she nipped at your earlobe and you moaned. “You take my cock so well, don’t you? No, I couldn’t dream of letting you go, not when you’re such a good girl for me. I’ll take you with me and I’ll give you the life you want. A normal life, where no one will ever hurt you. You can read all you want. Forget the world outside. Just us two, together.”

“Mummy,” you whispered and you could feel her body vibrate as she hummed in approval. “Mummy, please.”

“Tell me where you belong,” she whispered back as she began to move her hips again.

“With you, mummy, under you. I missed you so much,” you whispered, “I belong to you. I always have.”

“I know, sweetheart, I know you did,” Wanda whispered before she stretched up and her hands went to your elbows, pulling you up from the table before she began to rail you. Sharp thrusts, slamming into you again and again, and tears began to burn the back of your eyes as pleasure began to roll through you. “You're going to cum for me like a good girl. Then you’re going to lie on this table to wait as I go pack your bags. You live above this, don’t you?”

“Y-yes, mummy,” you choked out as your orgasm was already threatening to flow through you. You could feel your own juices dripping down your thighs and you knew that your boss would be walking in to find an absolute mess.

“And then we’ll leave. Together.”

“Together.”

It wasn’t long until you felt like you were choking on your breath, your stomach twisting and churning, your legs trembling, and it was Wanda keeping you up. Otherwise, you would have collapsed onto the table, even the ground.

Soon, you felt it. Felt that blissful euphoria that often put you to sleep wash over you in intense waves that made your toes curl. Wanda was laughing, quietly, as she felt you come undone around her strap. “That’s it, baby girl, let it all go. Good little whore.”

She slid out of you with a pop and you groaned, the disappearing sensation already sorely missed. “Mummy, please, I still need you…” you mumbled, your words drowsy and reality was folding inwards around you as you felt your body hit the table again.

“I’ll be back, in just a moment,” Wanda whispered into your ear before her warmth disappeared and you could hear her moving through the store and up the creaky stairwell. Then your eyes slid open and you took in a deep breath as you began to move. Pushed off the desk, your legs sore and shaky but stable, and you looked for the skirt, long discarded. You knew you only had a small amount of time before she realised or, god forbid, heard you. Pulling the skirt up you grabbed only your wallet, didn’t even dare grab your phone and risk being tracked. You can get a burner if need be. You knew it’d be difficult, if she found you here, then she’d be able to find you wherever you went but...maybe she’ll give up.

You didn’t go through the front door, not with the bell, but there was a small door leading out to the back. Your footsteps were silent as could be, and your heart was beating in your chest. One wrong step and she could hear you. You could hear the banging doors, even her humming, but she didn’t stop.

Soon, you were in the back alley, with nothing but overflowing bins and a motorbike there. Yours. The only thing you kept from Stark. Faster than anything you could buy in a store. You hated riding with a skirt, let alone with these shoes, but what choice did you have?

You only had so much time to run.

[crumbledcastle28]

Chapter 1: a tug

Warnings: PTSD, sadness, depression, panic attack, mentions of violence

Author’s note: this is part one of my series called “Burning Red.” This is kind of boring because it is a set up for the main storyline, but I hope you enjoy it! Any constructive criticism and support is greatly appreciated. And if I missed a warning, please let me know!!

After everything you’ve seen, everything you’ve done, everyone you’ve hurt, it felt good to just lay low.

A mechanic on tatooine was not what you imagined, but it did the trick.

No one saw you for who you truly were, and that made you happy.

Well, except for Peli.

You came to her sick and angry and alone, and she nursed you back to health. You would be rotting in the desert if it wasn’t for her, and you felt you owed her a little something.

So, you used your “uncommon” set of abilities to help her with her mechanics in any way she needed.

This included: cooking, cleaning, repairing, negotiating, and most importantly, defending.

Peli was no dummy. She knew you had more experience in that field than she did. So she recruited you, and paid you back with whatever she had laying around. A new outfit once and a while, a warm bed, a hot dinner, and a couple of credits so you could go shopping and get out of her hair.

You couldn’t blame her. You were a hell of a lot of trouble to be around.

Constant nightmares, paranoia, and regret surrounded your aura like a fog. Any normal person wouldn’t notice, but someone like Peli could. And it pissed her off a good majority of the time.

“Stop moping and help me clean this oil off my droid,” and sentences like this one, were said pretty frequently around your place.

Was it even your place? All you did was survive. Is that enough to say you lived there instead of just survived there?

You really liked Peli. She gave you a base. A “home” of sorts, and for that you were forever indebted.

But something in you always called you back to your real home, and that scared you more than Peli’s tough love. More than you could even describe.

~~*~~

It was a pretty normal day on Tatooine. The wind howled, the sand covered everything in its wake, and the heat. You would never get used to it.

You were eating your breakfast when a ship landed on the landing pad, and you could already tell it was a doosey just by the way the left engine was sputtering.

If this ship explodes, we better get a damn good pay, you think to yourself.

The ramp starts to open and you take that as your queue to start the walk to your makeshift room. It was really a storage room, but you didn’t mind.

When you get there, you squat down to the ground behind your door and grab your apron and set of tools. You knew Peli would need some help with this ship.

You hear the ship’s ramp hit he ground and you feel it.

A tug.

Not even a tug, a lurch. It felt like a rope had been tied to your soul and pulled you back into your old self.

This was a tug you hadn’t felt in so long. So long, it almost knocks you off your feet.

I closed myself off from this, you think. I shouldn’t feel this. I don’t want to feel this.

You already feel a headache coming on from the shock and ache in your bones, so you start walking back to the landing pad to tell Peli you aren’t feeling too well.

If I get recognized, we are both dead.

You’d rather get a scolding from Peli than a scolding hot gun wound in your chest.

“Hey,” you hear Peli shout at the client, and you pick up your pace. Your heart is hammering in your chest and you feel the panic ooz through your body.

It’s been so long since you’ve felt this, but you hate how it makes you feel alive.

You finally make it to Peli and you see her speaking very loudly (she doesn’t like to use the word “yelling”) at what seems to be your client.

But this is no ordinary client. This is a Mandalorian.

A very broad Mandalorian who, no offense to Peli, could knock her out in his sleep.

You had heard legends of their kind. But worst of all, you had fought them. And damn were they good.

You hadn’t seen any since the purge. You had heard rumors of them hiding under ground, but they had always been peaceful people. You hated how they got dragged into a war.

“You damage one of my droids, you’ll pay for it,” Peli says, and you really wish she would use a more peaceful tone.

The last thing you want to do right now is fight a very impressive looking Mandalorian covered entirely in beskar while your entire body is tingling.

Is he the one who is force sensitive?

“Just keep them away from my ship” he says, and you are surprised at how well he is taking Peli’s annoyance.

“Yeah? You think that’s a good idea?” Peli responds in a tone dripping with sarcasm and you take this as your moment to try to sneak away.

This however, was unsuccessful.

“Come on y/n. Let’s take a look at his ship,” she says and the Mandalorian turns his helmet towards you.

You probably look like an absolute mess. Your chest is heaving, you are sweating, and you are not at all prepared to do any sort of repairs. You are basically in your pajamas. The Mandalorian’s gaze has you nervous enough, but this familiar feeling in your stomach has you dizzy and nauseous.

Just hold on......

You start to follow Peli to the ship while still looking at the Mandalorian. You learned very early on in your life to never take your eyes off a predator. He follows your form and you try your best to mask his incredibly strong force connection gripping your chest.

This man isn’t even trying to hide it? It’s almost as if he is reaching for me?

You make it to Peli where you finally take your eyes off of him. You can see why Peli was so mad now.

“Oof! Look at that,” she says as she scans the ship with her eyes. “You’ve got a lot of cabron scoring up top. If I didn’t know better, I’d think you were in a shoot out.”

Oh my God, he was in a shoot out.

This is really not good. This man could have been followed and you could be surrounded at this very moment. You were a skilled fighter, but those kinds of odds were almost unbeatable. Especially when you were still trying to hide your identity.

You are so tense you feel like you could snap. You still feel his eyes on you, and you are praying to whatever is out there that you can just stay alive. That’s the only thing you’re good at.

“Name’s Peli Motto. That’s y/n,” she says as she points to you with her wrench.

She did not just tell him your NAME.

“This is my operation. You’re not gonna find a better mechanic on the planet,” she says as she leaned in closer to the engine.

“Yeah, I’m gonna have to rotate that. You’ve got a fuel leak. Look at this, this is a mess. How did you even land?”

All you wanted to do was scream.

He is a MANDALORIAN who was just in a SHOOT OUT. He is probably being FOLLOWED and we could be dead because of ME.

“That’s gonna set you back,” she says.

She is concerned about MONEY right now?

Peli is a smart woman, but she was walking you into a trap. You didn’t want her blood on your hands. You didn’t need any more of that.

All of this is happening while you are still on the verge of a panic attack.

This Mandalorian is strong with the force. It is squeezing your lungs and your feet and your hands and your brain. All rational thinking is out the window. You had to get out of here before he manages to suffocate you.

God you hate this feeling. A few years ago you lived with this constantly. It became a part of you. Something you enjoyed. But now...

“I’ve got five hundred imperial credits,” the Mandalorian says.

Imperial credits. Great. How did he get his hands on those?

“That’s all you got? Well..” she says and looks back at you.

“What do you think,” she asks in a teasing tone.

You try to plead to her with your eyes. You are sweating beyond belief and your brain is about to explode.

She tightens her brows in confusion at your state, but continues to bargain.

“That should at least cover the hanger,” she says and you feel your jaw almost drop to the floor.

How can she not see it?

“I’ll get you your money,” the Mandalorian mumbles and you try to take a deep breath. Passing out in front of one of the fiercest warriors in the galaxy who may be here to kill you would rip off the last bit of pride you had left. If you are going down, you are going down with a fight.

“I’ve heard that before,” Peli responds and looks at you in a joking way. Like she was trying to coax you into laughing with her.

You try to chuckle back, but it just comes out in a low breath.

You sound insane.

“Just remember—,” the Mandalorian starts

“No droids. I heard ya,” Peli finishes.

“Why do you think I keep this girl around,” she says chuckling with a pat on your back.

You muster up the strength to smile and feel holes burning in your head from the Mandalorian’s gaze.

He really knows how to stare.

The Mandalorian leaves the hanger, and it takes everything in you not to pass out right there.

You thought with him leaving it would die down, but it’s only getting worse.

“Are you ok,” Peli asks and helps you lower yourself to the ground.

You are breathing frantically now and your hands are clutched to your chest.

“He has it,” you say and you know Peli knows what you mean.

She looks at you with wide eyes and you see the realization on her face.

“Oh my god.... he was in a shootout,” she says.

“Uh huh,” you breathe out. The desperate force connection is starting to fade and you feel your lungs fill up with air once more.

“He could have been followed! Or he could be here to—“

“Kill us,” you say. Peli hates when you finish her sentences, but there was no point in caring right now.

“Ok. Get inside. If I need you I will call for you,” she says and you nod, slowly getting to your feet.

You start to walk back to your room, with Peli’s arms guiding you, while taking deep breaths, but you freeze when you sense something else coming out of the ship and you snap your head to the ramp.

“What,” Peli says as she follows your gaze.

Your heart flutters. The force is slowly starting to ease its nasty grip on you.

If you didn’t sense the creature, you would miss it.

A little green baby, wrapped in what looked like a potato sack, was strolling down the ramp, looking directly at you.

“It’s him,” you say.

“He has it.”

[somerpmemes]

The Owl House Starters

Change as needed

“No! My only weakness! Dying!”

“That doesn’t count, right?”

“Do you have any friends? Real ones?”

“Tiny trash thief!”

“Oops, that happens sometimes.”

“I’m a squirmy little fella.”

“I like food, I like love, just let me write about it!”

“Oh, he gets so cute when he’s thirsty for power.”

“I’ve never actually broken any of your stupid laws… in front of you.”

“I hate everything you’re saying right now.”

“We’d be the strongest power couple ever.”

“Self-doubt is a prison you can never escape from.”

“Anyways, let’s bounce before any more monsters fall in love with me.”

“I am not your cutie pie!”

“No one wants an un-oiled snake.”

“Remember, never befriend a man in sandals and always measure twice, cut once.”

“Be back by nightfall or risk mortal peril!”

“I know I’ve had enough delight for one day.”

“Sorry to break it to you, ___, but no one here is that well-dressed.”

“This has been a rough day.”

“Big houses always belong to big whack jobs.”

“Today just got good.”

“Wizards are just old people with glitter in their pockets.”

“Anyways, your food is gone and we are too.”

“Never trust a man in casual drapery.”

“All that mean-spirited laughter made me sleepy.”

“I don’t like this. I really don’t like this.”

“All your food was so tiny and cute.”

“If you can think of a better plan I’d love to hear it.”

“Betrayed by my own cool accessories.”

“I didn’t have to be part of this!”

“I… don’t like this.”

“I think I’ll head home and look at pictures of animals that are still… alive.”

“Wow, you’re so unnoticeable I almost rolled into you.”

“It’s okay, the thorns only went through a few layers of skin.”

“Alright, into the darkness you go.”

“Oh my god, I haven’t eaten real food in so long please give me some.”

“You can’t just cut open a human, can you?”

“Keeping junk in my pocket saved my life!”

“Ahh, baby’s first wanted poster.”

“Even demons have inner demons.”

“This is my paying attention face.”

“Look, now we’re boo boo buddies.”

“It’s like a rainbow, but looking at it turns you inside out.”

“I respect your cunning but I also hate you for it.”

“Oh, gross. Can I keep that?”

“This is terrifying, so why do you look so happy?”

“Oh no, a twist!”

“I’m kind of over that nickname, but okay.”

“Oh, what lovely thing do we have here? It’s just so dang shiny, oh my.”

“And look, I drew flip book.”

“I will literally do anything to stop this.”

“If I’m seen, I could go to jail… again.”

“Alright, let’s see this mess.”

“That’s probably fine.”

“Time to prepare for bloodshed.”

“Welcome down to my level!”

“I know I should be repulsed but that look is fierce.”

“I’m gonna steal everything that’s not nailed down!”

“I was up all night poison tasting and, for some reason, I don’t feel great.”

“I need an extra pair of eyes looking out for pickpockets. And an extra pair of hands in case I want to pickpocket.”

“I got leaves in my pants. And I like it.”

“I was a strange child.”

“You think this can stop me? I can still bite your ankles.”

“If you’re gonna eat me, just do it now!”

“___, you’re getting all swoony again.”

“Rivals are meant to be annihilated, not befriended.”

“Witches eating babies is so 1693.”

“Ugh, you.”

“I thought we were as cool as cucumbers but we’re as sour as pickles.”

“Whoa, I almost passed out.”

“It’s been hours, how can it keep screaming!?”

“Say that again and I steal your tongue.”

“Keep going, this is fun to watch.”

“Isn’t that taking it a bit too far?”

“Just go away before things somehow get worse!”

“This never happened.”

“And who doesn’t like their name in lights?”

“That’s the incorrect reaction!”

“I smell an easy mark.”

“Well, I hate her.”

“It’s like demonic possession with the ones you love.”

“This is just like my favorite early 2000’s movie!”

“I’m so old… and pointy.”

“I’ve got some very confusing emotions right now.”

“My life’s not a joke! But yours is!”

“Novelty costumes are where I draw the line.”

“I am not above disrespecting my elders.”

“This vacation just took an alarming, back-alley turn.”

“Geez, I thought I’d like being babied. But I feel small and helpless, like some sort of baby.”

“Hey, take this, society!”

“I didn’t like her telling me what to do before, but now I love it!”

“Let’s go let out some teen angst!”

“This is how the cool kids ride. Super backwards, on purpose.”

“Your life is pretty terrible. But, hey, it’ll probably be over soon.”

“This is some of my best work, really captures the shame.”

“That’s sweet, kid. Now let’s never speak of this again.”

“Show, don’t tell, man.”

“Oh, look what you did. I’m gonna go rub it in.”

“That seems like a potential problem to me.”

“You being the razzle, I’ll bring the dazzle.”

“Do you always have confetti on you or—?”

“You’re just gonna be unhelpful, huh?”

“Okay, time to run for no particular reason!”

“Oof, I’ve had this nightmare before.”

“Like I’d actually apologize.”

“I want power, and I want drama.”

“Are you ready to give up?”

“I was afraid, I acted stupid.”

“I just wish you told me the truth.”

“You know, it didn’t taste as bad as I thought I would.”

“Impressive, still alive.”

“This is a throne worthy of a tyrant!”

“No, no, keep those sticky hands away.”

“No one wants to see that.”

“Since when are you into sports?”

“Gross, sympathy.”

“Don’t spend all night plotting revenge.”

“Oh, this is an interesting development.”

“I’ll take that weird grumble as a yes.”

“I’m feeling confident about this plan.”

“Trust must be earned.”

“If you run, you’ll just make it harder for yourself!”

“Your pride has destroyed you.”

“So tiny, so angry.”

“I don’t think I’ll ever be clean again.”

“If you ever want to search for the truth, I’ll help you.”

“Aww, that’s a horrible lie.”

“Partake of my free snack samples!”

“Why isn’t anyone paying attention to me?”

“A, eww. B, I’m bored. C, I feel like pickpocketing some dork while they browse.”

“I know my good angle.”

“Ugh, what are the basement dwellers doing out in natural sunlight?’

“Hey, there’s more to life than shipping.”

“___, I know you’re trying to help, but I think you’re crossing a line.”

“Ooh, I love punching.”

“You’re ominous, and I like it.”

“And of course you would be here just to be a nuisance.”

“I wanted to compare sunglasses.”

“Fame can really box you in, you know?”

“Besides, if anyone’s putting you down it’s gonna be me.”

“If it’s disappointing in any way I’ll spend the rest of my life trashing it.”

“He scammed us. Can you believe he scammed us?”

“Good entrance. But that outfit? Hah!”

“I’ve got a new crush and her name is education!”

“Ahh, fresh garbage.”

“I have never seen such an extravagant earring.”

“Wow, a surprisingly peaceful domestic moment. When will it be ruined?”

“Weaponizing my pride, well played.”

“Sorry, whoever’s over there!”

“Well, go on. Eat the snow.”

“Huh, it’s no fun if they don’t tremble.”

“Oh, okay, alright. Yup, an idea’s happening.”

“Shh! I don’t need your validation!”

“Get back here before that thing bites you!”

“No, we’re gonna die.”

“Cool. I didn’t actually think you could do it.”

“It’s not a secret.”

“Alright, your adorable banter is literally making me sick.”

“Believe it or not, I’ve seen worse.”

“Aww. I won’t be doing that, but thanks.”

“Quitting: it’s like trying, but easier.”

“You humans are filled with liquids, right?”

“I guess I have always liked pouring things into other things.”

“Time to scrounge through the trash.”

“I ain’t no desk jockey.”

“You don’t know diddly dang about squiddly squat!”

“I love secret rooms!”

“You have an aura of lies.”

“Also, you can eat trash.”

“Do the right thing, you dingus!”

“It just goes on like this for an hour.”

“Carnivals bring crowds and crowds bring suckers.”

“We’ve got scams to run.”

“I know poison when I see it.”

“You can’t scam a scammer.”

“You should really put a lock on your closet.”

“I love crimes!”

“Now this is my kind of weird.”

“That’s way safer than becoming blood brothers.”

“Beat up the man and steal his things for me.”

“This mama is ready for trauma.”

“All right. Approval!”

“Curse these stubby legs!”

“Sketchy carnival rides are not to blame this time.”

“___, you’re lucky I can’t be mad at your adorable antics.”

“Just when I thought I couldn’t respect the law any less…”

“Aww, what a supportive sign.”

“Yep, I just counted to one million.”

“Looks like we ruined his life for a second time.”

“I’ve always wanted to own a jagged piece of cheap metal.”

“Yes! Bread puns, bread puns forever!”

“Now I know what friendship tastes like.”

“I think today is a talons day.”

“It’s fun because it’s stupid.”

“I’ll admit, I was adorable.”

“Be careful with my brain.”

“Wouldn’t you rather talk about it?”

“That’s my motto after all, ‘Out of sight, out of mind.’”

“No schemes, no plots, no ruses. None.”

“I can’t believe I made him cry.”

“Are you solving a crime or about to commit one?”

“Sadly this is one problem crime can’t solve.”

“I’m supposed to choose someone interesting, accomplished, and noteworthy. People aren’t meant to be all those things!”

“Yup, her brain’s burned up real good.”

“Be still my fantasy-loving heart.”

“I’m pretty good at getting stuck inside people’s heads.”

“Hey, I found something magical.”

“I’ma put my face in it.”

“It’s like a little doghouse for angels.”

“If you’re handing out attention, I deserve it.”

“Eww, I mean, aww.”

“I really messed things up.”

“It’s eggs, it’s full of eggs.”

“No one turns down an interview with someone this pretty.”

“Me? Avoid? What? No. But let’s skip it.”

“There’s levels to me, kid. Levels I say!”

“Oh, right, I put people in there.”

“I’m gonna hug you so hard you’ll never forget me again!”

“I regret teaching you about the internet.”

“Ah, a severed hand. Perfect response.”

“Hmm, the demon at my shoulder makes a good point.”

“Always trust a shoulder demon.”

“The more I look at him, the more uncomfortable I get.”

“Man, you’ve got some quick grabbers.”

“I can’t wait to get overdressed, take awkward photos, push all the buttons!”

“We’re gonna turn this bloodbath into a fun bath.”

“Do you think I could pull off red eyeshadow?”

“Girl, you could pull off anything.”

“We’re style geniuses!”

“Ominous footsteps, creepy woods, this is no problem.”

“Dang, I look great.”

“___, you always go overboard and I end up bailing you out.”

“Now, what’s the fun in watching a kid get eaten by a monster if it’s my kid?”

“___, I don’t think you’re ready but we’re literally out of time.”

“Why so twitchy, witchy?”

“Teenagers are brutal. They’ll boo anyone and that kind of public humiliation will stick with you for life.”

“You look nice. Strange, but nice.”

“Honestly, I’m kind of amazed with how fearless you are.”

“You’ve done things I could never do.”

“Thing is, you’re sitting in my personal chitchat zone, which means you gotta talk.”

“I am a little weirdo.”

“You gotta pander.”

“Cheating a isn’t anything to brag about.”

“Well, can’t reason with crazy!”

“I’ve been talking for too long.”

“Feeling sentimental?”

“I love water.”

“I don’t know much about sports but I do know about sports movies.”

“What happens in the montage stays in the montage.”

“Not everything can be solved with a good attitude and a dope movie soundtrack.”

“Sorry, I just really love backstories.”

“You just destroyed your social life.”

“That’s such a stupid rule!”

“You’re not gonna show this to anyone, right?”

“I haven’t forgotten what you promised me.”

“Ahh, you’re a thorn in my side but you always dig your way into my heart.”

“Jeez, you’re morbid.”

“Ahh, it’s a fate much worse than death if you think about it.”

“Please don’t make me regret taking you here.”

“Love me a properly ventilated castle.”

“I spy with my little eye something coming this way!”

“I’m going away and I don’t know if I can come back this time.”

“And  ___, thank you, for being in my life.”

“I want her back as much as you do.”

“Don’t look at me like that, this is for your own good.”

“Ah farts, I got caught.”

“You understand, don’t you?”

“Please tell me that’s not as bad as it sounds.”

“To be great, you have to make sacrifices.”

“Ahh, ___, you chose the wrong side.”

“I like your spirit, but try that again and things won’t end well for you.”

“Go on, then. Go be a hero.”

“I may have lost but so have you.”

“I can teach you what I know, and what we don’t know we can learn together.”

[fieryhonesty]

Genshin drabbles filled with sadness - Kaeya, Diluc, Xiao

“What have I done? Why did I write such angsty stuff? I feel horrible for hurting the boys. Maybe I should have delete this...”

prompts: loosing their s/o for whatever reason, f!reader

Genre: angst 

Warning(s): nsfw (alcohol consumption, mention of blood) don’t give me that look you don’t want to read this at work, depression & mourning, reader’s dead (no violent or detailed description the boys just lost their girl)

Kaeya has poured two glasses of wine. One for him and one for the woman sitting next to him. She was smiling with the most genuine smile. Pointing up at the sky. The moon and the stars were shining bright. He didn't need any other light source to see her beautiful face.

Just the two of them sitting at the balcony of their shared house. Silently observing the beauty of the night. Drinking from his glass, the sweet-bitter taste was dancing on his tongue. It was as beautiful as the woman he was spending the time with. 

"You know, you are really beautiful tonight, y/n. How about I take a day off tomorrow just to spend it with you?"

No answer.

"We could go on a walk around the city or perhaps go outside the city's walls?"

Yet again, silence.

Kaeya finished his glass with one quick motion. Pouring more wine. The burning sensation in his throat was slowly reminding him something.

"Hey, Dearest. Why don't you talk to me?" 

Silence. 

"Ah, you are right. I'm... a fool."

He starts laughing. It's not a laugh a happy man would have, it's quite the opposite. Kaeya's in pain. His chest hurts, he knows why but dares not to admit it.

Removing his eye patch and tossing it on the table. Looking at his smiling companion. Why is she so beautiful? He is such a lucky man, having somebody like that. So why is he feeling this pain in his chest? Why does he feel like his heart will burst?

The glass with wine shatters. The shards are covered in the red liquid. He closes his eyes. Trying to force the tears to stop forming. Biting his lips. It hurts so much. His hazy memories are slowly reminding him what's going on. 

Just like a movie it all flashes back in the moment you were standing between him and the enemy. Blocking the hit for him. Falling to ground with a painful scream. But before that you managed to look at your beloved. He is safe, you did well. 

He stares in horror at the scene. Wishing it's just a bad horror he is watching. This can't be happening. You didn't waste your life for him, did you? If there was somebody supposed to die it's him. He made a mistake. A mistake which cost him you.

Kaeya is silently sobbing, one hand hiding his face while the other is gripping his attire at chest area. He is sure nobody can see him, yet he still feels like to hide. He might be drunk but he knows the woman next to him is just an illusion created by his own mind. There's nobody at all it's just him and the wine. 

You are no longer alive. It's all because of him being cocky that day. He was full of himself and so sure he will keep you safe. In the end he lost his remaining pride and you...

Diluc is walking in circles. Biting his thumb while doing so. It hurts, he can taste blood but nothing hurts more than his heart right now. Sweat is forming on his forehead as he is trying to suppress his tears. His shoes are making loud thumbs against the wooden floor. The sounds can be heard in the room under his. 

Everyone is silent in the room. Elzer, Adelinde, the old man Tunner and a few more. Listening to noises from Master Diluc's room, yet nobody dares to let him know he is loud. It would be more than rude. Especially now when he has to deal with yet another painful experience. 

First he lost his father and several years later he lost his wife. He was finally happy. Having you by his side was a blessing. You were there for him whenever he needed and he did the same for you. Feeling down? He'd be there cupping your face, planting butterfly kisses on your face. Snuggling you close into a protective embrace.

You did something similar. Playing with his hair when he was snuggled to your neck. Brushing through them, tucking them behind his ear. Saying soothing words. He would fall asleep like that.

But now? You are gone. Your sudden passing away affected the whole manor. You were liked among the maids as you often joined in small talk or offered to help them. Despite their protests it's their job. You didn't mind it.

Old Tunner and folks from vineyards remember how you often walked around. Caressing the grapes or bringing some snack.

Simply put. You were the star which was shining bright for everyone. Lifting their spirits and now you are gone. Everyone is mourning you but none can think of how much he is hurt. 

When Diluc heard about your critical condition he rushed to see you but doctors didn't let him. You needed to rest but your body was weak, they knew you won't make it. In the end allowing him to see you for the last time. Holding your already cold hand. 

He sat there for minutes, until you left him all alone. He didn't move, doctors had to lead him out. Somebody had to pick him up and bring home. He laid on the bed, one hand over his face. Trying to keep his tears away. 

Nobody dared to knock on the door. Not even Elzer who always worried about his young Master. Trying to offer some kind words. He knew his words would be useless now. All he can do is just wait. He knows if he goes his Master will be out of control and won't listen to anything. 

It's just another painful hit for Master Diluc. He thought he would be happy finally. Already had plans for the future with you. Everything is pointless now. Why does life keep taking his beloved ones from him? How much more he has to suffer…

Xiao is silently sitting at the top of Wangshu Inn. The cold wind is caressing his hair. He is observing the distant horizon, how the moon is slowly going up. His mind is blank. If he were a mortal it would be probably clouded by negative thoughts. 

He has no feelings or need for them. He is one of the mighty Adepti, there's no room for stupid things like feelings or emotions. At least that's what he tries to keep repeating to himself. 

Mortals come and leave out of his life. Which is only natural for their short life span. He wouldn't be bothered with it at all. But there was a woman who managed to change him. Showed him what those odd feelings in his chest are. She proved to him he has feelings and emotions. He was just suppressing them his whole life. 

Perhaps it was all for the better. He feels lonely. Usually it would be the two of you sitting here. You would be nudging him about random things. Snuggle onto his shoulder, whispering some nonsense. He would look at you and see those shiny, beautiful eyes of yours. 

He remembers when you fed him with his favorite dish. He was confused at first why would you do it. Explaining to him it's something people in love would do for their partner. Take care of them. He tried to feed you too, it was a clumsy attempt. But you appreciated his efforts.

You showed him so many nice things he could see only from mortal's eyes. He understands some things he couldn't before. All because of you. But what's this feeling? Regret? No. He does not regret letting you enter his life. He regrets being too late. 

Before he could do something you were already gone. The demon which attacked you. That sneaky bastard avoiding his watchful gaze. It dared to assault somebody he thought of as a close person. Taking you from him just as if bonds are nothing. 

When he arrived you were possessed by the demon. Its power went out of control, destroying everything around. He tried to talk to you but there was nothing left, just agony and darkness. He could see the suffering in your face. You didn't want to. You never were a violent person, yet now you are destroying everything. 

For the first time in his life Xiao felt anger was taking control over him. He wanted to eradicate all demons. For what they did all those millennials, for what they did just right now. He knew you will eventually die and leave him, he was fine with that. But he never thought of losing you like this.

He has to do his duty as a Yaksha, the Liyue's protector. Pointing the tip of his spear at your throat. He stopped only because you tried to talk. The words coming out of your lips were just gibberish. 

"Farewell, y/n. I'm sorry."

Ending it just like that. Watching how the blood was leaving your body. Feeling sick from the sight of it. He released you from the agony the demon was causing you. Banishing it as it tried to escape from your dying body. There's no demon safe, not from Xiao. He will continue his duty.

But one thing is certain. He will always feel lonely at night as he got used to your presence. You will remain in his heart forever. Always will have that special place as a foolish but lovely mortal, daring to approach him despite all of his fame as a Yaksha. The cold he feels right now bothers him. Just if you could be there...

[heejojo]

Love Isn't Beautiful But With You It Was

✰ summary: y/n and niki's journey from being enemies to friends to much more than that.

✰ pairing: Niki x fem!reader (and a Jay apperance)

✰ genre: fluff, angst, enemies to childhood friends to lovers

✰ warning: a few sad scenes but I'm not sure they'll be too bad! death

✰ word count: 1.8k (the most so far tbh)

a/n: this is my first fanfic so please leave comments about what should be improved. if you have any requests feel free to leave them! it's past 12am now and I need to sleep but I hope you have a nice day!

prompt gotten from @moonlight-chi77 thank you!

“Love isn’t beautiful but with you it was”

Life disappears in the blink of an eye, but the memories created and the human connection formed does not. The memories created are embedded in our hearts and follow us through different paths of life. Whether those memories are good or bad, they become something we reflect on in later moments.

Nishimura Riki couldn’t exactly remember the first time he met you but all he knew was that he had never hit off with someone the way he did with you.

September 2012

Although Niki couldn't pinpoint the exact date you guys started talking, he knew it was in September of 2012. He knew at first he disliked you and wanted nothing to do with you because you had stolen his spot on the swings.

“That's my spot, I told Jay I was going to stay here forever,” he said while his friend who was behind him nodded enthusiastically, backing him up.

“Your name is not on it and you didn’t buy it so why should I leave?” you asked him without coming down because you got there fair and square.

“I called dibs on it,” he said while puffing out his chest.

“Dibs are for babies,” you say while continuing to swing. “I’m not a baby,” he retorts.

“If you say so, then why are you wearing a Talking Tom T-Shirt?” you ask and his face begins to turn red. “It's cool, isn't it Jay?” he nudges his friend asking him for support. “Cool man, girls just suck” Jay responds and they both leave. “At least I dress myself!” you yell at their retreating figures

After that day, Niki made it his mission to disturb you every day and never wore his Talking Tom shirt again after that day.

August 2016

“Niki!!” you screamed as you felt another water balloon hit your leg. At this point, your entire body was soaked. The young boy continued to laugh and run as you chased him. You were beginning to regret spending your summer break with him when you could be watching TV instead. Eventually, you give up chasing the blond-haired boy and go into the house to dry off. Thirty minutes later, Niki comes in with a bottle of orange juice as a form of apology. You snatch it without further thought and drink it. Looking up at him after you finish drinking it, you both burst into a fit of laughter. “You’re lucky I love food,” you say. Maybe spending the summer with him wouldn't be so bad.

December 2018

Your crush on Niki was painfully obvious to everyone but him. Your friends teased you, his friends teased you yet when you were together you denied it with so much vigour. Niki had liked you for a few months now. Everyone was enjoying the slow burn that was going on between the two of you; the soft glances across the room, the way you always looked for each other among crowds, the way he knew where your secret birthmark was even though your close friends didn’t.

It was the way you complimented each other that made everyone cringe and aw at the same time. The jacket you got him for his birthday was his most prized piece of clothing and the only person he let touch it was his mum. This year though, you gathered enough courage and told him how he meant to you and how you were content with being just friends even if it hurt a little. But you weren’t expecting Niki to say he felt the same way, even more so. Your friends heaved a sigh of relief and choruses of ‘Finally’ were echoed.

It felt good being with someone.

January 2019

Everyone argued with people they loved right? Your parents did, the old lady that sells fruit and her boyfriend did so you and Niki weren’t an exception. After being childhood friends for so long you’d think you could trust each other enough to talk about the things that bothered you but he refused to, claiming that he didn’t want you to see him in a different light and how it would hurt his pride. You would tell him that no one knew him more and cared about him the way you did. At times, you’d let it go not wanting to push him but that day you couldn’t take it.

“We need to talk. Why have you been avoiding me these past few days?” you asked him.

“I’ve just been busy” he replied.

“No, you’ve been avoiding me. I know you well enough to know when you're hiding something” you said.

He wouldn't budge, he never did especially when you cornered him like this. He started to get irritated and said, “I said I’ve been busy so forgive me if I can’t give you attention all the time. Not all of us are as clingy as you” You winced; it was your fault for pushing him to the edge like that. Nevertheless, you wouldn't give up. “ I just want you to say how you feel and what bothers you. I’d never look at you in a different light and you know that. You might want to be strong but it’s okay to show some sort of emotion, it doesn’t make you weak rather it makes you look like someone that acknowledges what is wrong and doesn’t try to ignore the problem or solve it on their own” you comforted him. As the words entered his ears, you could see the walls surrounding his heart crumbling. “It’s okay to ask for help or just to rant to someone. Even if we won’t be able to provide an immediate solution, it should help” you added taking a few steps forward and grabbing a hold of his hands. You squeezed them tightly.

“I...I’m just scared you’ll leave once you see the not so perfect side of me” he managed to say. “I will stay with you, why don’t we make the best of everything without worrying about the future?” you asked while smiling. He returned it and pulled you in for a hug. “Thank you, truly,” he said and you smiled under his embrace.

After a few minutes you spoke up, “Oh yeah, Niki?” you called his attention and he hummed in response. “Don’t ever shout at me like that again, I can deck you and you know it” you said.

“Got it, boss. Sorry for being a jerk”

June 2020

You usually went on diets and exercised a lot but you were losing weight at an extreme rate and you weren’t even on a diet. Niki was worried but you brushed it off telling him it was stress from school but it got worse. You found it difficult for you to balance yourself, you felt nauseated, getting even more frequent headaches and being tired all the time so Niki decided that enough was enough and took you to the hospital. Neither of you had expected the result of the scans that were run.

“I’m sorry but there is a tumour in your brain,” the doctor said. The air left your lungs. “You can choose to get the surgery and live in the hospital for 8 months or live with the tumour for 3 months” he continued. You thanked him and left the hospital. The elephant in the room was very much alive and neither one of you wanted to address it. Did you want to stay in the hospital for the rest of your life or did you want to say with your loved ones? You thought that they would go through and that won’t be worth it.

“Niki” you called out.

He looked at you with a sad smile and just pulled you in for a hug, careful not to hurt you. “Do you want to tell your parents?” You nodded. You couldn’t just leave without saying anything. Picking your jacket, Niki drove you to your parents house.

“I just wanted you guys to know, I couldn’t just leave without saying anything,” you said with your eyes cast downwards. You couldn’t bear to look at your mom who was already crying or your dad who was blaming himself even when it wasn’t his fault or your sister who was basically your best friend. Niki had given you guys privacy but you knew it was just an excuse for him to be with his own feelings.

“I’m going to stay close to home in the meantime so I can be closer to you guys,” you said. Your eyes were already becoming glossy with tears. You inched towards your mom, taking her hand in yours and said, “You did an amazing job of being my mom and I love you so much”. Moving to your dad, you said “You did a good job of protecting me so don’t think otherwise. Let’s make all the memories we want to now without any regrets”. At that, your sister burst into tears “I… I can’t bear to lose you” Your heart clenched. “I can’t bear to lose you too” She continued crying. Your mom wiped her eyes and said, “From today, live the way you want to. Eat what you want and do what you want.” From the corner of my eye, I saw Niki staring watching the whole scene. After an hour, I stood up and went home with Niki. The car ride was a long and awkward one. When we got home, we just slept hugging each other.

Starting tomorrow I was going to live.

July 2020

The pain is getting worse but the smiles on my family and friends faces are enough to keep me going. I wrote letters and got gifts for them. Niki looks at the calendar every day, I can’t tell him to stop because I can tell he’s hurting so much. Why can’t I just be okay for everyone?

August 2020

The time comes faster, Niki and I went on a getaway for a few days. He deserved a break from everything that has been going on.

September 2020

I never thought I'd die as silly as that sounds. I asked my parents and sister to leave when I got to the hospital. Niki refused to leave and stayed there till I took in my last breath. He kept crying begging me not to go and how he’d do anything.

“Does it hurt a lot?” he asked between sniffles

“No it doesn’t, it just feels like a needle” it hurt like a truck.

“Liar”

I chuckled and held his hand till I couldn’t anymore. “I love you’’ I say as the lights fade.

╔═*.·:·.✧ ✦ ✧.·:·.*═╗

Dear Nishimura Riki,

When you see this, it means I’m already gone. First of all, don’t beat yourself up too much. I could write for ages about how much I love you but now that I need to, my mind goes blank. You’ve done so well for putting up with me, hats off to you. You might not want to but move on, even though id like you to remember me; let your heart heal and be happy.

Take care of yourself and don’t skip any meals. Eat well and be happy, make sure you visit the places we never got to visit and enjoy yourself. Live life the way you want it every day. Be nice to people and smile more.

Thank you for all the happy memories, my love, I’ll be forever grateful for you. You made my life colourful and worth living.

Love isn’t beautiful but with you it was.

Yours truly,

Y/N.

[elminx]

A few notes on surviving tough Chiron times with an personal example

Since Chiron stationed retrograde yesterday, I want to talk some about the ways that its retrograde effect can show up in our lives. I'm going to use an easy and relatable experience from my own life this week as an example - remember that Chiron may show up in a similar or completely different way, depending on your own trauma.

Yesterday afternoon, my eleven-year-old cat went into the kitchen and proceeded to make the most horrible pained yowls while sitting underneath our kitchen table. She's a mouthy cat so her making noise is not unusual - but this is a very unusual noise. I thought that she was dying, or, at the least, that we were about to take a trip to the emergency vet. I called my partner, they came home, and she got up and acted excited to see him. Fucking cats.

(Sidenote: she does have a regular vet visit scheduled now as she was obviously exhibiting signs of being in pain - but she pooped the smelliest shit afterward and coughed up an eight-inch hairball in the middle of the night so I'm guessing she was in pain from that, better to be sure though)

The thing is, on December 2, 2010, my seemingly healthy five-year-old cat died at my feet. In minutes. There was no saving him. The vet said that he either had a heart attack or a brain aneurysm. In 2010, I was not the Minx that I am now. I had been repressing all of my emotions since I was a child (when I was taught to by my other who didn't want to handle having an emotional daughter). The cracks were starting to appear but I was still using disassociation as a primary means of coping with life.

Additionally, I worked as the Front End Supervisor for a major retailer and it was the middle of the Christmas season. That job wouldn't have given me time off to mourn a family member during the busy season, let alone a day or two to deal with the loss of a pet. I would have just been out of a job that my partner and I needed to pay our bills and keep ourselves afloat.

So I kept on going and I worked all the way through it - and I probably prided myself for not breaking down and being inconsolable about a very significant tragedy (he was a very special pet to me).

I'm very happy that my baby appears to be okay. We'll bring her in for a checkup (and she probably needs some teeth pulled, le sigh) but I think, given the circumstances, she is mostly fine now. But I've gained a lot of awareness in the last twelve years and once the immediate fear and reaction started to fade my immediate thought was: Minx, why did you think that you cat was going to die?

Sure, she was obviously in pain. And watching your pet in pain is really, really difficult because there's nothing that you can do about it. But she was alert and did not in any fashion act like my cat did when he was dying. That's when I realized how much pain I was still holding onto from that event.

That is what Chiron does - it highlights those old wounds that haven't been tended well enough to close over and heal. We all have them for one reason or another. Some of them which may never heal, no matter how much work we do.

Even so, Chiron teaches us that it pays to be aware of these forever (or very hard to heal) wounds. This is the basics of Chironic shadow work - not to endless return to things that will retraumatize us, but to know our own wounds well enough to know when something is triggering those wounds. To be able to separate the "then" from the "now". When you realize that what you're feeling is a reaction to something that happened in the past, you can put it down, and you can separate it from what is happening in the now.

I deeply understand that this is not easy work but if you have a strong Chiron aspect in your natal chart or you are going through a major Chiron transit, it is work that will likely be forced upon you, whether you are ready for it or not.

If this is you right now, here are some tips to help you through it:

Give yourself the space to feel your emotions and/or grieve. You can do this by yourself or with a trustest Other - whatever feels most right for you. If you need to, do this under the care of a professional therapist.

Remember that you are not your emotions. Emotions are feelings inside your body that are happening to you. You can just let them go and tell them to move the fuck on. Phrases like "I feel sad" help because you are acknowledging that your emotions are happening to you rather than over-identification of your emotions ("I AM sad").

The sign of your natal Chiron may give you some insight into how to disperse the energy/emotions that come up during a transit. Earthy Chiron natives tend to need to ground out their emotions, while watery types may need to use water to work through it, and so forth.

Use your best self-care techniques. For me, this includes nervine teas, rose quartz, and healthy whole foods. What does that mean to you?

Hydrate. Crying is dehydrating. Plus, water moves things through us - quite literally. This is especially important for people born with Chiron in a water sign.

Write it down to get it out of your head. You don't need to keep it or show it to anybody. Don't fuzz the details - write down the truth and the whole truth as you are seeing it/feeling it right now. Don't hold back. You can burn it afterward if you want to.

Chiron stations retrograde for a couple of months every year or so, so this transit is business as usual. That said, because of where it's sitting and its connection to other points in the natal chart that are very active now, we are all feeling it quite strongly this week. Its most affecting cardinal signs (Aries, Cancer, Libra, and Capricorn) and fire signs (Leo, Sag) between 10-25 degrees for any personal planet. If that's you, know you are going through a Chiron transit currently and that the universe is encouraging you to level up your emotional processing skills.

You can always look at the type of aspect that it's making, and to what planet, for greater insight into how this journey is likely to play out in your own life right now. (I do this as part of my Transit Chart readings - available through my Ko-Fi site)

For the rest of us, the Chironic energy will wane as we move away from the date of its retrograde (7/19).

[starter-library]

ORVILLE PECK'S SHOW PONY LYRIC STARTERS

FEEL FREE TO CHANGE PRONOUNS/NAMES/PHRASING AS YOU SEE FIT

Summertime

“Nothin' holds me down”

“Askin' where the time's gone, Dreamin' with the lights on”

“Tryna keep your eyes on something along the rise”

“You and I bide our time and I miss summertime”

“They punish those who love young”

“Something inside me dies”

“Keep on rockin', baby Keep on risin' on the tide”

“We'll be ridin' all night”

No Glory In The West

“Lived through London and drank through Memphis”

“The things you live by were once just a guess”

“There ain't no glory in the west”

“Hard to think on your feet”

“Tired of beggin' 'em just to compete”

“Shoot to win can feel so bittersweet, But you take what you can get”

“Nowhere left to go, Goin's all we know”

“What's a boy to do? Hit the road with a dollar or two?”

“There's still no rest”

“"Count your blessings," they'll say”

“After each midnight begins a new day”

“Don't place your bets on a word that they say, They'll put your life to rest”

Drive Me, Crazy

“No one on the highways tonight just you and me and the rigs we ride”

“The road doesn't matter, it's how you haul”

“You put up the cards just to watch 'em fall”

“You always said you'd drive me crazy”

“Said it was you and me 'til we died, so hands on the wheel and let's drive”

“Just look straight ahead if you like it slow”

“Take guesses on exits, one has to be right”

“Nothin' lasts forever, that's how it goes”

“Never thought I'd learn to love the snow”

“No time for the past if you're speedin' by me”

“Saw you pass me earlier in the double”

“Just thought maybe you saw me as well”

Kids

“Dare me on a dime to say that we had everything we need”

“You told me to shut my mouth and to my surprise neither one of us has died”

“Washed up, nowhere to go”

“Hate to say I told you so but I'm, I'm just a nervous guy”

“Target on our backs each day, tails turn, or so they say”

“Gettin' low on luck, it's time to fight”

“You call me up and tell me all your frights ‘cause neither one of us has died”

“I keep thinkin' we'll disappear, but years go by still, neither one of us has died”

Legends Never Die

“Been gone back from my old ways”

“Each song keeps me rolling along my way”

“A stampede couldn't break me in my stride and you wanna know why?”

“It gets lonesome on the lonesome trail so keep your head up high”

“Takin' orders never been my style”

“I've been rode hard and put up wet”

“Ain't nothing in this world that I can't get”

“Don't worry 'bout making sure they won't forget. No, it's fine 'cause legends never die”

“Won't stop 'cause I never lost a fight… Well, once or twice, haha”

“Another blow ain't gonna stop me, wait and see”

“You got nothing if you ain't got pride”

“We got one chance and legends never die”

“Baby, baby, you get one chance”

“Sometimes, you gotta break away from the pack”

Fancy

“I remember it all very well looking back”

“We didn't have money for food or rent to say the least, we was hard-pressed”

“Here's your one chance, [name], don't let me down”

“I could see the tears wellin' up in her troubled eyes as she started to speak”

“Your Pa's run off and I'm real sick And the baby's gonna starve to death”

“To thine own self, be true”

“Just be nice to the gentlemen, [name]. They'll be nice to you”

“But if you want out, well, it's up to you and don't let me down now”

“The wheels of fate had started to turn and for me, there was no way out”

“I knew what I had to do but I made myself this solemn vow”

“I couldn't see spending the rest of my life with my head held down in shame”

“It wasn't long after, a benevolent man took me in off the street”

“I charmed a king, a congressman and the occasional aristocrat”

“Now in this life, there's a lot of self-righteous hypocrites that call me bad”