#we all know this feeling tho dont we | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

n0bluev · 11 months ago

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'im rly tired rn. hopefully i dont wake up tomorrow with regrets and the infamous "WAIT A SECOND THIS WAS DOG SHIT ALL ALONG!" post-24hour artist realisation'

#putting this out there to act as a base for a silly “failure/success log” lmao #so whenever u see this on my page in the future #cross ur fingers and wish me luck i guess hahahah #we all know this feeling tho dont we #good luck to yall too <3 #drrrumrollllll..!#24h failure/success log rate tag (why not)

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painfully-unoriginal · 1 month ago

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So I drew these under the assumption that diane used to be part of kitty's crew and realized after that i don't actually know if that's tru or not so uuuuuhhhh probably should've just waited for the movie to come out to start drawing shit but 👍

#my art #doodles #the bad guys #diane foxington #tbg kitty kat #the bad guys 2 #IF thats the case tho i have so many thoughts about it already #its juicy. u kno #not to compare them to fluffyvenom but i feel like there ARE parallels IF THIS IS THE CASE.#like imagine being so close with this girl for who knows how long #you understand each other. you support each other. you're there for each other.#you her and ur other friends are like a genuine family #its you against the world #and then one day she decides to say fuck all that and leave #and you dont understand why. you feel betrayed #she did what was best for her but what was WORST for YOU #as the audience we know diane did the right thing for herself. but imagine being kitty & her crew #imagine the resentment that would fester on BOTH sides #(and obv did based on the fight snippets we got)#but the love will always still be there. the betrayal wouldn't hurt otherwise #anyway if all of that turns out to not be relevant just forget i sad anything !!!!!#ok love u bye #also do they have a ship name?? pls enlighten me if so #I'll never abandon crimsonwebs in my heart btw but. come on

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talk-nerdy-to-me-thyla · 4 months ago

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blueskittlesart · 10 months ago

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being in art school and having basically 0 knowledge about christianity whatsoever is so funny at this point i think you could tell me literally anything was an allegory for jesus and i'd just believe you

#my ass has been to church like twice in my entire life so my peers are like 'this is a biblical allegory' and im like yeah ok sure #makes art history class very annoying tho because everyone just assumes you can look at a stained glass window and know who all the guys ar #also sometimes people will be like this image depicts the story of david or peter or some random other biblical name #and then just. not elaborate. because apparently we all know the stories of every biblical guy who ever existed.#who is peter and why is he in the church window. please #and i dont even have an EXCUSE bc like both ethnically and like in basic practice i am christian. i celebrate christmas or whatever #my parents both just fucking hated church so much as children they were like nah were not doing that #and now i have a deficiency in Identifying White Men In Paintings apparently.#sigh. sorry just got a 5 out of 13 on an art history quiz feeling GREAT

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mohntilyet · 2 months ago

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Personal headcanon about the "you picked the wrong dellamorte" line, I don't think illario actually likes rook outside the context of them being someone close to lucanis. Like rook on their own isn't much to him, but when they meet it's yet another person talking about his cousin (why isn't he good enough for whatever job they're hiring for?) and on top of that they somehow bring him back from the dead (another whole can of worms for illario). Now he starts turning on the charm, but whether he's actually interested or this is just one more thing his cousin has that he doesn't and it gets under his skin, who knows. Either way, rook ignores illario, the guy who lives off his charm, and is instead interested in the guy who's never even dated before and thinks giving someone a knife is how to flirt. Infuriating

NO THANK YOU !! i am genuinely sorry if i have ever implied illario is into rook like i see some takes about it and unless it like ties into your rook's personal backstory i don't seriously think he's romantically jealous. at all. my enjoyment of that line stems from illario's pathological need to make it about himself and not see his strengths but what lucanis has, and therefore what he doesn't. he's annoyed enough to try and goad you in the middle of a fight about the 'wrong' dellamorte and completely blind to the fact that the venatori are at best, a stupid fucking alliance, and at worst, a cult that will devour the crows from the inside out and illario would have been the one to give them the keys. he sees lucanis make allies, needs his own, and instead of charming the other talons/houses as he should, he (probably spitefully) picks the venatori. or maybe he just thought it would be easier. ugh he makes me want to telekenetically throw him around

#and you raise a very hilarious point too LMFAO #not that he is jealous. just mad as hell its not working <3 I LIKE HIM VERY MUCH AND A NORMAL AMOUNT #to be clear i think his characterisation changed dramatically from wigmaker's job and a lot of his uh #very rash decisions about achieving power feels like they just needed a traitor character for lucanis #to really max out the use of spite. i really wish honestly that there was some canon support for illario #who would probably be a little more liked/popular than lucanis. bc lucanis is respected by the crows #but he's also a very distant 'dellamorte heir' figure. respect is not the same as being liked. so you know #there's the serious assassin with a rep for how good he is at killing #and there's a friendlier assassin with a rep for sweet talking #and neither of those reputations are necessarily true. but i know which one i'd be less afraid of #and i think illario would know that. and be able to use that. BUT WE DONT GET IT. WHATEVER.....#illario dellamorte #veilguard spoilers #answered #also we're introduced to an illario that understands being a crow. and has had all that drilled into him since childhood #why. would he. ally with the venatori.#why would he put himself into a situation that he couldnt control. other than 'the story needs a villain'#what im trying to say. is . there were the makings of a crow civil war here that ends with him tragically dead #if you asked me to expand on this i dont think i could. but like the main issue being the crows not standing together making #the antaam invasion worse (btw regarding this why the fuck were the antaam even invading) so lucanis' quest is #idk. something like uniting the crows together and potentially repairing his relationship w illario #or hardening him and convincing he needs to kill illario #this is me spitballing. dont even mind me #(glances at the 'illario mention' alarm going off in the background)#EDIT: AND ALSO IT JUST CAME TO ME #killing illario as an ending also makes lucanis first talon (oh we're really in the cycles now)#forgiving illario ends with illario becoming 'talon' tho he and lucanis work closely. like a ceo vs cfo #and ends with them repairing their relationship #in the ideal world lucanis would fully leave but im alright with crows making small steps towards becoming a bit healthier

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skunkes · 6 months ago

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longlegs fucking sucked 😭

#talkys #sorry for movie opinions post #i didnt know anything abt it going in other than serial killer and Mystery and i was soooooo so interested and enthralled #for a good chunk bc wow i like the framing the pacing the shots!#and then it gets to a point where its like oh...!#and then 📉📉📉📉↘️↘️↘️��️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️#like how did that movie feel like 3 hrs long #all that build up for the most eyerolly unsatisfying payoff #do u guys think its possible for horror movies to be Satisfying anymore?#saying dis as someone not as acquainted with the genre #we were talking about how like hereditary was Good but it wasn't...Scary....but its fine bc it was good #idek what im saying anymore but we regret seeing it we shouldve gone with our parents to bingo 😭💔#the main character rocked though...so awesome will graham #so extremely funny seeing ppl being like ''ummm sorry ur someone who thinks horror movies need to be jumpscares and dont like psychological #horror :/'' this was NOT psychological horror. it was a really interesting like Mystery for a good chunk and then at that Certain Point its #like oh. horror movie version of the ''and then he woke up'' cop-out to me. how boring. what a boring conclusion #not worth the whole previous hour of Good #i will say the shots of the hooded figure with the eyes unnerved me tho i had to look away 😭#MY SISTER LITERALLY FELL ASLEEP LMAO but at that point i was still very interested and hopeful #and then.

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akkivee · 1 month ago

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THE ENERGY AND CHAOS IN KUUKOUS MOVEMENT

THE CALMNESS AND MEASURE IN GHOST KUUKOUS MOVEMENT

#vee queued to fill the void #STILLNESS AND MOTION I LOVE THIS SONG LMAO #I LOVE GHOST KUUKOU EVEN THO IDK HIM YET AHHHHHHHHHHHH #THAT INHALE BEFORE HE MOVES INTO ACTION IS EVERYTHING TO ME #IS THIS A KUUKOU THAT CONSIDERS HIS ACTIONS INSTEAD OF TRUSTING HIS PRINCIPLES #IS HE A KUUKOU THATS NOT SO QUICK TO ACT???? MAYBE BC HE SEES SO MANY PATHS AND BRANCHES?????#as far as i can tell??? ghost kuukou is rapping how all the sad and lonely people die the same #but if you turn your eyes towards him he’ll save you from this society where there’s no meaning in living #AND WHEN HE SAYS SALVATION HE SMILES ALL PRETTILY AND ITS HIS ONLY SMILE AS HE BECOMES A BEACON OF LIGHT #WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH GHOST KUUKOU ILY ALREADYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY #AND THEN BOY WE ALL KNOW AND LOVE AT PEAK COCKY AND PEAK BRAT #PREACHING THAT USUAL SPIEL DESTROY ALL WICKEDNESS DONT LET ANYTHING HOLD YOU DOWN AND FOLLOW YOUR OWN TRUTHS #BELIEVE IN THYSELF BITCH LMAO #that ghost kuukou memory card where he’s surrounded by delinquents and him saying he’ll be the light to guide #feels a lot like his nb self actually lol like it lines up with what happened when he first landed in bukuro #it’s neat ‘s all lol i hope i get to see how they interact with each other soon 😭😭😭

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ghostofsnails · 6 days ago

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so did you guys know theres this character called tristan vik disventure camp and

#disventure camp #disventure camp fanart #tristan vik #disventure camp tristan #ghostofsnails #my art #It would be SO tedious to post all of these separately but to be honest ive been dead for so long that i think its just funnier like this #like. yeah. just in case you guys have been wondering what i've been up to.#I have like 2 more i think but i'll give them their own post so i can explain them #ive never hyperfixated on a character like this in my entire life. usually a character hyperfix is super intense and lasts like 2ish weeks.#GUYS ITS BEEN 2+ MONTHS. AND I STILL CANT THINK ABOUT ANYTHING EXCEPT FOR CARTOON GOTH NONBINARY SILLY PERSON #actually fuck you can i write an essay in tags about why i love them. this is tumblr. and whose even gonna read this anyways. fukit we ball #i followed dc kinda casually as a guilty pleasure for a while but i was instantly drawn to tristan when the designs for the s4 cast dropped #i was like You're telling me there's a GOTH who is UPBEAT and isnt designed like a flawless elf TWINK and is NONBINARY? ME FR????#LIKE OHH THE GOTH NB GETS TO LOOK A LITTLE WEIRD. THEY GET TO BE UNCONVENTIONAL. my aesthetic attraction to them goes crazy. vampire style.#i remember when they got revealed people redesigned them to look more generically pretty & it PAINED ME bc it missed the point SO. BADLY.#ik some people find them boring also & even tho i disagree i can see it if u dont rlly care abt alt stuff. but for me the fact theyre so #kind & upbeat & extroverted WHILE being a SUBCULTURAL GOTH is the draw bc while i do get a kick out of the exaggerated depressed goth #stereotype - its not exactly true to life and so seeing a character that looks and acts like me and real goths makes feel so seen and happy #they also capture my desire to have goth friends SO BADLY im projecting on them SO HARD. They are such top tier friend material you guys...#AND THEYRE A FASHION DESIGNER WHICH FEELS SO IN THEME WITH BEING GOTH THAT IT MAKES ME SO JOYOUS AND CRAZY.#its all so funny because im 100x more excited about getting good goth rep than nonbinary rep LMFAOOO but them being nb is SO important too #Not to mention their voice actor is FANTASTIC and elevates them SOOO MUCH. Also the amount the va is obsessed with them fed my obsession -#sooo insanely you guys.... i feed off of other peoples emotional attachments. AND THEIR ACTING FOR TRIS ADDS SO MUCH DEPTH TO THEIR #CHARACTER IF YOU LOOK FOR IT. I COULD LITERALLY WRITE ESSAYS ABOUT TRISTAN YOU GUYS. IM NOT INSANE.#god you guys this is the first time ive ever had a genuine “i feel seen” feeling from a fictional character I KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE NOW.#i LOVE NONBINARY PEOPLE EXPRESSING THEMSELVES. I LOVE HOW QUEERNESS AND GOTH CULTURE INTERSECTS AND HOW THATS REPRESENTED IN TRISTAN #THEY MEAN SO MUCH TO ME. AND I KNOW THEY MEAN SO MUCH TO SO MANY OTHER PEOPLE. WHICH JUST MAKES THEM MEAN EVEN MORE TO ME. I LOVE LIFE.#its an endless feedback loop i fear. im trapped in it & loving every second. i will be drawing them until i am in my grave & maybe after.

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dykedvonte · 2 months ago

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I hate the stretch lines in the front of Curly's uniform because that means the devs rushed to make a model in like a month or so and thought "They gotta at least know he has huge knockers, gotta know he's got back pain." Cause like what is the thematic importance of his tits having overhang?

What responsibility is that representing? Breast reduction? It shows an inherent greed in his character due to the excess and heshouldletmeholdone and that he clearly is blinded cause if he tries to look down his damn ladder all he's seeing is his own cleavage.

#this is my curly slander post ig #disclaimer i need you to understand i see all fictional men i like as like butches Curly is no exception #but like they didnt need to add that many polygons to his chest like its unnessary and honestly a little mean he already has so many things #to handle and you expect him to hold those boys up like that just aint right this is like something so stupid but i know you can tell im #having strong feelings about it cause like what was the point why did they survive the fucking crash it has to be a injoke at this point #with the devs it shouldnt make me this mad im turning into a misandrist but only towards large chested men #mouthwashing #curly mouthwashing #shitpost #suggestive #ig because this is just about his chest but like also they made him objectively pretty for no reason like yeah like ideal man and work ig #but they went over the extra mile like i have a right to be mad they did that much for a model we see canonically for like two seconds its #crazy actually how little we see of curly pre crash because we also lose his physical movements to help characterize him the way we see #body language with the other characters and how it gives way to their struggles and personalities and sentiments in certain moments #like all he does and how he emotes is stifled by the fact we always play as him until the last moments where he takes over to try and save #the ship and crew and even right before that the scene is so wrought with tension we cant tell what that look he gave Jimmy meant due to #the limitations of the models and how stiff Curly is like was it fear acceptance denial we dont know enought about how he acts himself #to tell and then everything else is charaterized by what Jimmy had done to where we dont really just get to see Curly as himself like Anya #and Swansea and Daisuke we have no idea how theyd act in a regular moment outside of a few glimpses and even then it is them doing #their jobs like grrrr we hate an unreliable narrator but also its the fact jimmy clearly does not interact with them or try to outside of #his position as copilot and then captain harkening back to the entire capitlist view of utility and how he views all of them as useless eve #Curly which fandom tangent the fandom also tends to do to Curly as they base every trait on what they think he failed to do as Captain #between Jimmy and Anya when the QnAs kinda make him out to be a rather open and willing person but still someone who isnt like a push over #just thinking of QnA three where it mentions hes very open to trying new things and you need to be an open minded person to open urself up #to failure like that and ig this is just the weird view that Curly needs to learn that or that theres redemption he needs personality wise #verses healing and learning from trauma like idk its the idea that people assume he did abosultely nothing when the games points out direct #and throught parallels he was taking actions its just wasnt enough and an over focus on absolute inaction vs ineffective methods used to #tackle the issues and themes the game grapples with plus wanting someone to take the blame and have to make it up to Anya even tho #i think it would mean nothing from Curly because she saw his efforts and would be disappointed it wasnt enough but the idea she would #disregard the attempts or not acknoweldge Jimmy as the epicenter compared ot Curly is weird and too focused on someone

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snailgirl07 · 28 days ago

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all these mfs being like "i dont condone violence" well i do. knock off another one

#bc FUCK corrupt ceos #i hate having hyperempathy tho bc it makes me feel bad for this guy even tho he Does Not Deserve Sympathy At All #also so many ppl are just trying to take the moral high ground w this #like both of us know ur glad that man died #just say u condone violence #sometimes violence is necessary #we dont live in a perfect world sooo #uhc ceo #uhc shooter #uhc assassin #fuck uhc #ceo down #deny defend depose #united healthcare

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skitskatdacat63 · 1 year ago

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2010 Bahrain Grand Prix - Fernando Alonso

#aaaaaahhhh what a good podium!! he looks so good bark bark bark #i love how theres like 2 immensely iconic pictures from this gp #its still so cool that he won his first race with ferrari!!#tho its a shame bcs its mostly due to seb's technical issues :(#not saying i dont think fernando shouldve won but rather that i was excited for a potential vettonso podium sigh #i already made a post w my thoughts abt it ^ but man i rly loved how 3/4 of this race was vettonso playing cat and mouse #and all the discussion post finish were abt comparing thier performances #twas a very exciting moment for me as you prob know ;;;; so its a shame that after all that they didnt end up on the podium together #OH MY SPEAKING OF THAT. it was so hilarious bcs they cut from nando celebrating in the car to seb's car on the side of the road SOBBBBBB #ah at least we got a little webbonso moment. that moment in my race notes literally says 'webbonso???' cause mark came from nowhere #anyways that gif where hes spraying champagne(rose water ig) at the camera makes me FERALLLLL AAKUHDKJAK #ngl even tho its not champagne it sounded pretty tasty. sparkling water/rose water/pomegranate juice i think?#f1 #formula 1 #fernando alonso #we do a little bit of f1 #fa14 #2010 bahrain gp #<- feels rly cool to write 2010 finally

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luck-of-the-drawings · 10 months ago

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OH ARTHUR BENNETT.. such a gorgeous and intriguing character. terribly burdened by a GRUESOME set of crimes, his light suffocated by a HEAVY century of GUILT. so tragic, so dark and broody, and yet PAINFULLY awkward in any social setting ever

#jrwi fanart #cw blood #jrwi show #jrwi suckening #arthur bennett #OUHH THIS ONE WAS SITTING IN MY WIPS FOR SO LOOOONGwhen i took it out there was mould on it :sob:#BUT i think i was able to fix it up okay #i keep seeing SO MANY MISTAKES RRAAAHHH BUT YOU DONT SEE THEM RIGHT?? THATS ONLY ME. RIGHT?? EXACTLY.#THE KEY IS TO SAY. AND REPEAT AFTER ME. 'FUUUCK IT WE BALL #so anyway. arthur bennett huh? grizzly says that arthur is reaal fuckin difficult to play. and i SUPER get that. i mean LOOK AT HIM..#grizz often needs a minute to think abt what hes gonna say in a way that matches w that Stoic Personality. which is FAIR but also that #ends up making way for awkward confrontations like: the lady in the parky lot. he took too long to answer and scared her away.& I LOVE THAT #arthur is tragic and sad and cool and stoic but hes ALSO awkward and silly and kinda dumb and short sighted. HE HAS COMPLEXITIES #I LOVE WHEN TTRPG CHARACTERS HAVE A GOOD SET OF SHORTCOMINGS. ESPECIALLY WHEN U FIND THEM ONLY AS U PLAY THEM.#I COULd go on and on saying the same things w different words abt arthurs intriguing and entertaining character but i shall spare u. for no #ILL ALSO MENTION HOW MUCH I LOVE HIS FLAVOR THO.. I LOVE TALL HOT BOY WHOS ONE W THE DARKNESS.. I REMEMBER WHEN HE FIRST MENTIONED THE #BADLUCK. N I WAS LIKE OOOHH THATS WHY HIS DESIGN IS SO COOL N CHAOTIC N ASYMMETRICAL. HES UNLUCKY!!! i love love love his design so much...#GRaaauruguguraguhhghghgh what else what else is there for me to spew on abt...i think im reachin a limit here..OH MAGNUS. i hope that #we get to know more abt how magnus and arthur met.. like How they became besties... ouuhh... I ALSO WANNA KNOW MORE ABT MARY DAVIS. LIKEHOW #he also apparently spent alotta time in a zone dominated by edward twilight? all he remembers is constant partying? I WANNA KNOW MORE..#i think i got room 4 one more ramble SO. THE ART PIECE.as i said its gone a lil stale BUT. im still very proud o the bits where hes allScar #I WANNA SEE HIM GET SCARYMORE. I like the idea of shadows solidifying to make him strange and eerie.like TEETH n CLAWS n SPINES n YESS #also the SILVER EYES.no1 does silver eyes like the show Claymore. they make em look so striking and eerie...i also like to think that #human arthur had deep beautiful brown eyes.just in my beaitufl heart.i mean look at him..i wanna cook him n eat him.ANYWAY #i think thats all my ramblin for this piece. now i gotta go cancel a single day i had ata hotel bc my work schedule change last minute FUCK #feel free to ramble in my tags aswell tho i read all of them and i chew on thenm and i love them so sos os mcuh

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3-aem · 9 months ago

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MY BRAINS NOT WORKING AND THE CUTE BOY I WORK WITH KEEPS CORRECTING MY GRAMMAR THIS IS SO AHAIWIAKSDHDGRRRRHRNE

#dhakaksdjs fuckdwkufeisfjsjajsueei #im using a translator and it keeps outputting 您 instead of 你 and he keeps calling it out like bro ur making it awkward #AND IM LIKE SORRY I CANT ACTUALLY WRITE IN THIS LANGUAGE IM REALLY DU M. BB #also he offered to take over the last part bc i was like hi its almost 9pm here and i literally cannot think anymore #like i am certain its a very easy last part my brain is just finished #i feel so bad bc i wanted to push this proj over the line #this company is so intense i am so baby i am so tired #hugging my cat and rubbing my gross face all over his gross body #me in vc trying to figure out how to say: it was broken earlier idk how it was fixed u saw it was broke tho right #but all that came out was: in the past it was….problematic… *20 yr silence*#before he awkwardly went: um its okay i dont think this is necessary also u have lint issues #and i was just like ya….i know 😭#its ambiguous to some of my teammates if i just dont understand them or if im fking dumb #its probably both im ngl #the blank stare i have on my face is first from trying to comprehend what the actual words they are saying mean #and then to comprehend what technical concept they are trying to convey #using like 50% of the information i managed to parse out #also im used to literally spending 30-40% of the working day talking smack #now i try to crack and joke and everyone is like three this isnt the time #three we are all gonna be hear past 9pm working this isnt the time

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xxplastic-cubexx · 2 months ago

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i was a bit anxious to reach out but i wanted to share a little headcannon i have for charles' powers^^

i feel that depending on the intensity of what hes doing at a certain point his powers turn into waves (though not necessarily visible) the person affected can feel it as a pulsating sensation and it can make their head throb

that and my other idea that his powers tend to affect gravity, but not making things float more like the exact opposite bc yknow how if u feel some intense emotion you want to just curl up on the floor sometimes? that but everyone has to now be it in a certain radius away from charles

and also ty for ur gorgeous cherik art ❤️❤️❤️ keeping the community alive

hello !!!!! thank you so much for sharin your thoughts, i LOVE the idea of charles' telepathy having physical effects on people (from the effect of his powers/his presence in their mind) it's sooo important to me .....

#snap chats #and thank you for enjoyin my art !!! always happy when i get to doodle the chaps ....#about the second bit tho i do very much like the idea charles can make someone feel So Intensely they crumple inward #not that he WOULD we know how charles is (tho emma def isnt above doing that) but the potential is there ...#In General charles being able to make people feel so intensely they get a physiological reaction to it is ALWAYS bellissimo #so i thank you again for sharing your ideas with me!!!!!!! i very much love them and i have chosen to adopt them in my belief system #as a final aside im always happy when i get some messages sayin people dont usually write in or interact much #its very sweet cause i know how awkward it can feel sometimes... so thank you all for your time and trust :]]#FOR NOW. i sleep ... for like three minutes .... goodnight everyone thank you for another lovely day of chattin....

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daughterofsarenrae · 1 month ago

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If this is true for both sexual and gender identities pick whichever one u want to answer for

#i dont actually know the answer for me re: used to ID as an ace lesbian now am definitely aroace #was i actually a lesbian or was being gay a stepping point between realizing i could opt out of straight relationships #to i could opt out of all relationships #u know?#bc it felt very real at the time but also thinking about my life ive never felt compelled to be IN a relationship #outside of picturing myself having kids and having an assumed 2nd parent #and that was really only in my lesbian era #neither is superior/correct im just interested to see which is more common #feel free to reblog for the hashtag data collection #bel speaks #should i have a poll tag? idk #bel polls #why not #fuck i forgot a word in there. if u used to id AS one...#oh well. why cant we edit polls tumblr. please #i aint typing all of this out again tho #just know that i see the typo and im mad about it

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opens-up-4-nobody · 5 months ago

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...

#i never really thought about a person being a finite thing. you can see the effects of a person after they die. in the unfinished projects.#in the rooms of clutter. in abandoned closets. in pictures and in mermered phrases. and you can see time #chipping away at those things. eroding away the evidance that a person existed. clothes move into other people's closets. projects are boxed #away. and a person becomes confined to photos and memories. and thats existentially terrifying but its not a bad thing. time erodes away all #things. that's how life works. matter and energy transforms.#we arent made to last forever. i dunno. i guess im still just rattled from being home even tho ive been back a week and a half.#and my brain tends to fixate on the wrong things. nearly 27 years of knowing someone eclipsed by a visual sequence lasting less than a day.#bc i just cant get over how scary it would be to die like that. to start losing control of your body. to not be able to feed yourself or get #to the bathroom. to have your mind be overcome by the toxins building up in your mangled and broken body.#and it could have been worse. it could have been a lot worse. but its still not fair. theres no good way to die. i dunno. i guess i just #miss my mom in some abstract way but i find it more viscerally upsetting to think about the people that have to deal with her absence.#it makes me sad that my dad is alone now. i dunno. grief doesnt feel like i thought it would. most of the time i dont even know what im #crying about. its undirected. it doesnt feel like: i miss you. it feels like: youre gone. how can you be gone? why does everything feel the #same? and its not that it doesnt make sense. its that nothings changed. the terror of that.#and im walking around in an acumulation of my dead mother's clothes. and no one knows. theyll never know.#and there's nothing to be done about it. so it goes.#i guess im just sad. and its hard to breathe at the thought of returning to school at the end of August.#unrelated

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