#we (i hope) don't do that here (anymore)
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this "it's not queerbait, all of the characters are queer" defense is getting old. aside from one single scene with guillermo the only time any of these characters queerness is shown is when it's played for a joke. i don't care what the textbook definition of queerbait is. what this show has done was lure queer people in with the promise of an all queer cast of characters and then literally never deliver on it. it IS queerbait.
#wwdits#nandermo#what we do in the shadows#anyway a lot of y'all are.... not smart.#and ✋🏻<- but what's new#y'all settle for the bare minimum and act like you're above everyone when others don't#i don't even post on here anymore y'all irritated me that much#literally who gives af if they're all queer#this show has dogshit representation anyway#like i COULD talk about how there's literally 1 black character in the entire show who they killed off#or how they decided to make a maga joke when 3 out of 6 of the main cast have made racist jokes#but i won't cause i truly don't wanna think about this show anymore#anyway i hope everyone involved remains unemployed <3
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Descendants: The Rise of Red is kind of a bizarre movie to talk about critically because, imo, it almost doesn't make sense to talk about it in the usual terms of good vs bad or enjoyable vs not enjoyable when the way more obvious tension is finished vs unfinished.
Because, more than any other movie I've ever seen, it does *not* read as a full movie. And I don't mean in a "this movie has a cliffhanger" kind of way. The Empire Strikes Back and Across the Spiderverse fit that description. They end on big dramatic cliffhangers that point to a resolution in the third installment.
But Rise of Red just sets all this stuff up and then...ends without concluding anything. It doesn't feel like the first movie in a trilogy (or duology). It feels like the first act of a two-act musical. It very specifically reminds me of the end of the first act of Into the Woods where all the main characters sing the song Ever After about how they all fixed their problems with magic and nothing bad will ever happen to them again and then the narrator ominously says "To be continued" before the curtain drops. But in Into the Woods you know there's a second act and this movie wasn't sold as the first act of a bigger story. Like sure, it has the, "You didn't think this was the end" tag at the end like all the other movies, but those movies were complete, self-contained stories even though they had sequels. This was NOT a full story. It's half of one story.
Like, if we're supposed to take this as a full story, there are so many bizarre choices:
Why did they make sure to mention that Cinderella and Charming fell in love at the ball at the top if it wasn't meant to set up Back to the Future style, "Oh no, I accidentally got my mom banned from the ball so she's not gonna fall in love with Dad and I won't be born" shenanigans?
Why did Maddox very pointedly have that bit about "you could lose your mom completely" if that was never going to come into play? Red never did anything to endanger Bridget or endanger her own birth so it doesn't make sense as a warning in that way.
Why was there all this focus on this Carrie on prom night moment for Bridget if we LITERALLY NEVER SAW CASTLECOMING? Why dance around this moment and talk about it all cloak and dagger with no specificity if they weren't building up to some big reveal that it wasn't as straightforward as it seemed? And like, they leaned in HARD with making Bridget the nicest, sweetest, cotton candy princess as a teen so I need WAY more than, "She got pranked by known bullies she's been enduring with a smile very handily up to this point" to buy that she went from that to "murderous dictator". And even if she did become murderous, I find it insanely hard to believe that she'd include her best and only friend on the list of people she wants to suffer unless there was a betrayal. I find it INSANE that there wasn't a falling out scene at any point in this movie with how thickly they were laying on the admiration and camaraderie.
(Note: And adult Cinderella def has guilty vibes re: the Queen at orientation. Which I know I'm not imagining because it's literally spelled out in the Jr Novelization!)
Before the time travel element of the movie started, I thought they were going for something like they go to the past and realize that Bridget was bullied not by the VKs but by the spoiled royals, and Ella ends up joining in the bullying once she gets with Charming, betraying Bridget and justifying her whole "Love Ain't It" philosophy. Or Ella ditching her at the last minute to be with Charming meaning she has to deal with the monster prank alone and it was the being alone rather than the prank itself that hurt her (though that is NOT a good enough reason to go all off with their heads on your subjects). The fact that, as far as we know right now, it literally was just a relatively mild and reversible prank that caused all of this is just, such flat storytelling, you know?
But! All of this makes way more sense if this is meant to be the first act of a single contained story. And I don't wanna be all "Pepe Silvia, secret good 4th episode of Sherlock" about this but I did see this picture:
Which seems to indicate that this was written as a Part One. Which, if so, idk why they wouldn't advertise it that way but whatever. The point is, if that's the case then it means that we're potentially in bad pacing territory rather than straight up bad storytelling territory. Because this isn't a bad place to be halfway through your story:
The heroes, warned that time travel is dangerous, have gone back in time to change the heart of a brutal tyrant before she can stage a coup. They seemingly succeed in their mission and when they come home, everything is great! But then, the side effects of time travel start to catch up with them. Chloe realizes that, in breaking the vase, she prevented her mother from going to the ball and falling in love with her dad (who was conspicuously absent from the final scene btw) which means she's starting to be forgotten and erased from the timeline. And Red realizes that though this new version of her mom is as sweet and kind as the teen she once met, she's a complete stranger to her (fulfilling the Hatter's warning that she could lose her mom completely). So they have to go back in time once more to make sure the Ella and Charming fall in love again, perhaps at the cost of whatever bad thing that happened to Bridget happening again and bringing back the original version of her future self. But, now with more context of how her mom became that way, Red can now talk to her mother and persuade her to give people another chance.
Boom, that gives us time to go back and hit everything we haven't yet hit. We can pay off the time travel tropes that were set up but not explored. We can go to Castlecoming which feels so obviously set up to be the centerpiece of this story (like, come on, Back to the Future literally does the school dance thing. This is Time Travel Storytelling 101). We can actually get info about what the prank was and why it affected Bridget so completely.
(Note: This is a side thing but it really strikes me as so crazy that Bridget would so SUCH a big 180 here. Like, I know the Queen of Hearts is a silly, goofy, campy villain, but she straight up murders people and there's no way to get around that if we're taking her out of the surreal story she comes from and putting her in a (comparatively) grounded story. If I wasn't doing a betrayal plot, I would make the twist that the spell that turned Bridget into a "monster" didn't just have a physical effect, it had a mental effect and it magically twisted her personality to be the way it is now. So they broke the physical half of the curse, but neglected the other half and it's been festering the whole time, turning her as evil as she was sweet. Because like, a simple physical transformation isn't that big of a deal to have such heavy security--Bridget made cupcakes with a transformative effect and that was totally fine. I'm not saying that that's what's gonna be the case. I just think it would be an explanation that makes sense for why she changed so crazy much that makes more sense than a simple prank or even a betrayal. Her mom wasn't even evil! How did she go from zero to murder without even an evil mom to push her onto the path? But I'm super digressing right now.)
(Note #2: OK, one last thing. The trap on the book presumably would have hit the VK's and trapped them in Merlin's office regardless of what Chloe and Red did, right? That's like, net zero influence on the timeline. I genuinely can't tell if that's a straight up plot hole or set up to be like, "Oh no. Actually when she said that she was turned into a monster in front of everyone it was meant in a less literal way." Like she was just made to look bad and that was the real thing that pushed her over the edge. Like idk. It really feels like the only thing they really did that would change the timeline was get Ella banned from the dance and presumably out of the way where she couldn't hurt Bridget. OK NOW I'm done.)
Anyway, my point is that this is not how I would have structured my movie and I think this was a super weird way to go into the second era of Descendants movies, but they can still tell a complete story if that's their plan. I'm genuinely really curious to see if this pans out to be a fairly competently told story that just happens to be split over two movies or a complete fumbling of the narrative bag because it could really be either at this point and it's fascinating to me.
#rise of red#descendants#descendants rise of red#descendants the rise of red#i have never seen a dcom paced like this#uma DOES say that messing with time has consequences which gives me a glimmer of hope that they're going for a 'we have to go back' thing#but idk I've stopped assuming that writers know that they're doing#if I was ending this movie on this note here's how I'd do it#I'd have it end the same but when red and her mom are dancing I'd have one lingering shot of her being a little uneasy#and uncomfortable with this new version of her mom#and I would show chloe happily reuniting with her mom but then pan over to another part of the room and show that like#a portrait or s/t that had charming in it before now just has ella#or maybe something more subtle like something he placed on a table or something earlier in the movie isn't there anymore#just a little thing to be like 'don't worry we know what we're doing'#that would give me a lot more confidence#I was so sure that Chloe was gonna find Cinderella and she was gonna turn around and be like 'who are you?'#*that's* how you do a cliffhanger#and then in the next movie we could have had the tension of 'yeah we saved your mom from being evil but now mine doesn't know I exist'#listen there's a lot of ways they can handle this#they just need to pick literally any of them#last thing:#in the Jr. Novelization#the line is that the prank turned her into a *giant* during the dance#not a monster#i wonder if the giant prank was an 'eat me/drink me' wonderland ref before it was changed#also there is a world where they changed it from giant to monster bc they wanted to do s/t with the monster body/monster personality thing#but that is TOTALLY veering into pepe silvia/secret good episode or sherlock territory lmao#for the record I did not buy it I checked it out from the library#I'm not above buying jr novelizations (i happily own the disenchanted one)#but I'm not into descendants like that
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Vent post
#ignore me lol#vent post#I am feeling extremely angry and frustrated and alienated#like of course I'm demotivated when I point out injustice and literally everyone just shrugs at me and tells me to get over it#“what are we gonna do about it”#put any thought into it whatsoever for starters#idk I want to give up#the same bitches that tell me not to kill myself are the same ones to vote my rights away#I hate living#I don't even get validation from participating in fan content anymore#im just anxious and feeling rejected all the time#except for like five very specific moots on here#but then I feel like a fucking failure for not knowing how to socialize or show them that I care without being weird and ugh#idk i'm tired#I feel like I put all this energy into making myself acceptable for everyone else and I go out of my way to be positive and compassionate#and then I get fuckall in return#post election blues ig#here's hoping I don't end up under a bridge#I think I would be a vastly different (better) person if everyone around me wasn't a bunch of complacent#selfish#wet blankets.#I'm getting really tired of being treated like I'm crazy for expecting better.#I can't talk to anyone because I don't want to hear that I need to get over it or that everything will be fine#it doesn't help or mean anything#things just get harder and harder and I'm just waiting around#I'm so srs if you read this far don't try to tell me nice things#im in an evil caustic mood and I will just continue pouring negativity in return
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I got tired of circling back to frustration over my nitpicks on the f&c series so I OC’d my boy. Whoops. 😅💦. I'll still post stuff in the future about the AT version because I still have a lot of doodles I haven't posted yet and doodle ideas I want to draw!!... Buuuuuut in the meantime my brain gears have been turning hardcore over incorporating this version into my OC-verse... he's a silly astronaut now <3
#pulling a 'my oc koz lord of vampires' with this one bc I simply do not care anymore. If I'm gonna be insane I'm gonna be blatant about it#but ok. ok. listen. In my complete defense. I got tired of reading all the bad takes on simon. I was getting TOO angry.#especially with how the series handled the situation so insensitively#and I was like. well. actually that's kinda unhealthy pal maybe we should back off. and that's what we're doing#still love the character ofc!! I just don't have the capacity to fully explore an AU from AT's perspective without getting angry at it#fun fact I made Itchy as a self indulgent AU to vent/cope in the first place... so I kiiiinda knew this was coming the moment I made him#like... what’s more self-indulgent than taking him out of the source material for funsies? do u get me? <3#this is surprisingly not the most self indulgent thing I've done. but it's pretty darn close#anyways no I'm not tagging him on main that's my oc now. clearly. sgweats. beards him. see? that's ichabod. clearly not simon /hj#I made a kin onion a while back and tried to grab some influences from other characters so I hope that helps a bit#some of his story beats will line up with simon's ofc but Itchy's supposed to mirror Fern so it's nice to give him some space from simon#ok no more rambles I guess here come the other tags#digital art#original character#original stuff#ichabod zymmynz#flat color#2024
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Sometimes I find myself thinking about Din Djarin a little too much that I get concerned and think that I really should go to therapy...
Well, I'm finally doing that (again) tomorrow... :)
Feeling pretty nervous about it but hoping that because I now know I'm autistic it will help me understand/explain things a little better! Hopefully this is the start of a journey to finally become a healthier, happier version of myself :)
#the waiting list was surprisingly short so i'm excited i just hope that they understand neurodivergency#because cbt doesn't work for my brain and i hope they don't try and force a square peg in a round hole so to speak#i want emdr eventually but i have to go through several stages first it seems and it sucks i wish i could afford private therapy#but i also just wish the nhs just fucking functioned lol#anyway that was a lot of acronyms but there we go#having ptsd sucks that's part of why i love din a lot because i can weirdly relate to him. also mando came into my life when i needed it#and as corny as it sounds knowing i can make some silly little gifs and write about the tin can helps regulate me after a draining events#so knowing i can do that whatever happens tomorrow is nice :) oR TODAY it's past midnight here what is a sleeping pattern#anyway once again i just really love din djarin but now no one can tell me to gO TO THERAPY ANYMORE BC OF IT ALSSNJSSK#personal#text post#just autism things
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I'll be honest I rarely see negativity on this webbed site yeah sure I curate my experience and yeah I see plenty of disagreements and yeah I see bad takes etc etc but I don't personally see much straight up vitriol. maybe I'm just in my bubble a lot but genuinely, the only rancid vibes I've seen lately have been on, surprise surprise, posts with tiktok refugees who are talking shit about tumblr. again, maybe I'm just in a bubble but this site hasn't struck me as mean spirited in years. and those posts with the tiktok refugees were steeped in mean spirit
#I'm not one of those people that thinks nothing good comes of tiktok#but there's no denying it is a social media that benefits from having the kind of people that stir up shit#more shit stirred = more clicks more interactions more scrolls etc etc#not for me thanks#and my constant anger was actually one of the biggest reasons why i left tiktok for good in 2021?? 2022?? it's been a while#like. it became obvious that ragebait was a feature of the platform not a bug#we (i hope) don't do that here (anymore)
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I miss the stucky fandom from the 2020-2022 era, it was so lively with so many amazing people and there was so much good content going around
#remember remember#we were all in lockdown so we had nothing else to do but be here all day long#and so many fics got written in those years#so many great artists were active#and generally the tumblr dashboard was always full and alive#i understand that now we started living our lives again and a lot of people don't have time for fandom anymore#but it's also because marvel did some good damage with all the bullshit they produced after endgame#and new generations that come on here sadly don't really contribute much because they think it works like Instagram#liking posts isn't enough if you want to see more content#i miss those days and i miss so many of those people that now are inactive#i hope you are all doing well and i wish you all the best#dready rambles#stucky
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feeling nostalgic today, I kinda miss being in here
#this was my safe space a few years ago and the people i met here will always have my heart#even if we don't talk anymore#i hope everyone is doing well and enjoying life#i don't even know if someone is going to read this and remember me from those times#but if you do thank you for being part of it💜
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It's been a while since I've been growled at...
#she comes up to me saying 'let me talk to you for a sec'#completely normal#like she would any other day#only to then lean into my ear and tell me how my desires mean nothing#how my wants should be controlled by her#how I should blindly obey what she says#to think just a few hours ago we were having fun laughing in the car#now im sitting here‚ vision blurred by tears‚ as I feel the exact same distrust I did a few years ago#i didn't ask for much#i never do#mainly because I don't want anything but still#it honestly reminds me of when I was a child#granted‚ it doesn't get to me as much anymore#but it still gets me#i swear my mother's voice takes on the body of a wolf when she growls#it's like an instinctive fear to want to hide from it in that state#it's like I've turned into a prey animal#making sure not to make any movements or sounds#hoping that the wolf glaring me down won't bite me#just like when I was a kid#so now I sit here crying a salted gentle rain#subtlety reminded of times I felt even more helpless#at least I'm not there anymore...#bluey's vents#tw vent#cw vent#bluey's mum#abluehappyface
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i'm tired of everything costing so much money
#txt#my dad just got here and was talking to me about the house my grandma's in and how we still havent heard anything from the gov#and like. dude. i'm so tired. and he's literally at his limit too like this shit is so fucking awful one month goes by and u barely make it#and then there's another fucking month and it's the same shit again and you're just living ur life hoping for a miracle like i'm TIRED.#i'm TIRED i want things to change i want things to be okay i'm so tired genuinely like. i don't even know what to say anymore#and i feel so helpless because i can't do anything but e-beg basically lol like at this point i just don't know if things are gonna get#anybetter i'm just hoping to fucking god they will#like my grandma cannot be alone a second of the day she needs 24/7 care how come the fucking gov won't DO anything we have no MONEY
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These are the days in your life
When the price of time is free
Like your daddy said the world is yours
So let it flow naturally
#You know the perk of dead dad is that it overshadows the evil ex bff thing and I hardly worry about it anymore#Sure I could succumb to the Grief of a codependent homoerotic teenage friendship#Or I could just go 'wait a minute... my dad is dead' and cry about that instead#Paradoxically im feeling so much joy recently#Life goes on#I meet new friends who give me hugs and don't treat me like crap#And I go thrifting with people and laugh and I don't think of her until I'm already home#Everyone say 'I hope she doesn't come home for Christmas because I fear i will pass away if I have to interact with her ever again'#Like sup queen. Do you feel bad?#Cause i... feel great#Living and loving and not manipulating my roommate (poor roommate) (I hope she's straight for her own sake)#(But if she's anything like me she will fall head over heels regardless)#(Probably she is nothing like me)#(Kinda feel like I should have backed out during the whole 'condoning cheating on your bf' thing)#(I was actually very stupid (read: loving trusting and traumatized) and should have backed out many times but here we are)#Did you know she didn't say anything when my dad died???? Cmon like we aren't friends at all but a dead parent is a huge deal you couldn't#Even pass along well wishes through your stupid (read: very kind and thoughtful) boyfriend???????#Well well well i say I'm over it and here we are#Anywho. On i go#from the couch#for my archives :]#Spotify
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i need to ramble hold on. spawns in a cut so that people dont get blasted by unfiltered posting on their dash. i feel the need to disclaim that im only like 50% lucid right now so this might be disorganized or complete word salad i can't really tell right now
i love him so much it feels like it's consuming me from the inside out. i don't want to do anything that isn't for him. the only reason i haven't quit my job is because i want to make him proud of me. even playing games makes me guilty, because i know it's not with him. i married harvey in stardew. i ate the stardrop for getting 12 hearts as i kissed him. the taste reminded me of hinata. it's a strange irony.
this false body feels like it's trapping me, keeping me from achieving my true metamorphosis. there are streetlights glimmering in the distance. as i try to move towards them they always fade away. the morning will come in 7 hours and 43 minutes and the sun will rise and it won't blind me awake. i'm not reverent enough.
i should pray. not to jesus, not to any other false prophet. i should pray to Him. maybe that will bring me salvation? maybe that will free me from this hell? maybe it happened because i was unworthy of being one of his trusted apostles. if i was as holy as he was it would have been different, i would still have been beneath him but i would have served my divine purpose as his servant.
but that's not important. i dont think. im jor sure. i hate it. i hate Him. i feel like i should Worship him. there's a certain something i still havent fixed a glitch in my code i need ocean breeze summer sun beach sand shining brilliance he's perfect i need him i need warm sun and dry land i need to be with him on the floor i need to hold him i need need need need need need need.
more than air more than food more than clean clothes more than water more than anything else more than i need this terrible mortal life i need to become worthy for him of his love of his care of his touch i wont deny that i selfishly want him to hold me and touch me even though im unworthy even though im no more than dirt beneath him i desire him so deeply
#... servant's song ♪#🍊 ☆ beloved .ᐟ#i find that when im speaking more like... me. i use much more periods and much less exclamation points.#i wonder sometimes if i absorbed stanley at least in part. he very rarely fronts anymore and he talks like “me.”#but that's always how he spoke. before i came back in full. we never fully let go of being me but there was a period of time last year#from december of 2022 to at least november of last year#that i wasnt hosting. which was strange to say the least. it was stanley‚ and then jules. i think our body just couldnt take it anymore#but jules especially inherited all of the worst parts of me. the panic attacks. the delusional episodes. the delirium#he nearly wandered into the road once because he thought elim was calling him back home‚ that he needed to return to cardassia#slowly i came back. his similarities certainly helped me re-assert myself much more seamlessly.#it's almost like i never left. i don't know how to describe it. it's odd.#i feel almost like a parasite. like i'm not living a life that was built for me.#even though i've done all of the work. even though this world was quite literally built for me. even though it speaks to me through the cod#recently‚ the universe has been telling me about my future. and about storms‚ big ones that i'm in the center of.#it worries me. am i just in the eye of a hurricane? where i am i'm still dry. is that only temporary? another storm is coming#im on the end of the 6th loop of the roller coaster. there's another coming up. i worry it'll kill me. i hope i can survive and return home#maybe stanley will re-take the body. or jules. i havent seen him since i returned. even his source can't front trigger him anymore.#maybe he returned to his home. i hope he has. i hope his life on cardassia is beautiful despite all the terror#i see myself in him. i hope i can follow his example. return to my destroyed home and work to build a better future. l#hinata always talked about building the future. he knew there was a path we could carve out for ourselves. i#i want to do the same for myself. here. i want to carve a way back home.#simulated daydreams#<- i think#that tag started as a tag to scream about our ex when we were sobering up but its much more catchall nowadays
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ugghhh wintertime sucks!! I'm sad and tired and sad all the time.. I need a nap.. and f/o cuddles.. and another nap..
#ash rambles 💚#negative#part of it is definitely the weather#it's so dark and dreary and i never wanna leave my bed#but also just. my mood akdjajs I'm kinda down in the dumps today#im recovering from being sick which always fucks me up#and i just cant shake this feeling of anxiety..? and i feel kinda a lot like my f/os wouldnt like me or would fall out of love or never see#me as more than a friend and other stuff like that#i.. actually got broken up with yesterday irl!#it wasnt messy. he said that this isnt what he wanted and it was fine and we're back to being pals. i wasnt sad at all in the moment and#i dont think i am now..? it's weird. we were laughing like always literal minutes after having the chat. when we got together we said that#if things domt work out we wanna keep being friends. and we're doing just that. honestly i saw it coming and idek if i LOVE him anymore#what even does love feel like..? regardless I'm not upset or sad at my breakup since i saw it coming and I'm honestly happy he just. Talked#to me about it. we communicated and then three minutes later went back to talking about x.enoblade LMAAOO it was fun!#but it is ridiculous for me to expect to feel NOTHING at no longer being in a relationship. i cant just feel nothing. i dont feel sad per s#just... in my thoughts i guess? I don't think the feeling of my f/os not liking me stems from me being dumped though. i think thats just me#being me sjdjaksj I'm very insecure a lot of the time. i dont think being dumped helpd very much though LMAAAOO#I'm doing okay i promise. and I'll be alright. theres just both a lot and nothing going on at the same time and i feel... idk what i feel.#i hope my f/os love me 😭 i hope that a lot#and honestly i know this community is ass and I'm more than happy in my own corner with my couple of followers but. ngl I've really felt as#though I'm not valued here and all that junk as of late. yeah just.. i think everything is happening at the same time and I'm tired and#i feel like I'm a confused kiddo who doesnt know anything anymore BAHAHAHA#holy shit it just sounds like i need a shower and a nap huh- I'll be alright I'm just. dealing with stuff akdjsks but i also hate to always#bring the mood down like this! i always try my best to be haha silly and all that shit. I'm just gonna try to daydream about f/o cuddles#(and try to convince myself they dont hate me ofc)#oh and. i know i mentioned this but. i hate the weather. so much. I'm sad all the time. November is actually my least favorite month too 😭#I've gotta study a lot today and I'll try to sneak in some k.urohyou and hopefully start watching monster too but yeah i apolgize if#I'm acting off these days ajdjajs I'm very stuck in my own mind these days. not exactly the most fun place to be 😭#delete later#i mean akdjajs i literally started crying the other day because my friend said that my husband (k.yohei) loves me ajdkahdb come on ash..
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me, giggling and kicking my feet as i write the next chapter, knowing the slow burn is finally burning, we have hit the Will They/Won't They Era, and the geurdo desert segment is coming up.
49 chapters and 185,101 words later.
#sometimes i will be writing and will be like 'hang on is this going too quick now?'#like my perception of slow burn is so effed up#THIS IS FINE FOR SLOW BURN UR ALLOWED TO SPEED IT UP A BIT IN PLACES IF U WANT#WE ARE 185000 WORDS IN#heres me thinking a hair tuck is going crazy pace#i'm just going to try and not overthink it too much anymore#ill do what feels right#and what feels right is letting the romance begin#it has to happen at some point#doesn't mean they will be macking out in the next chapter mind don't get ur hopes up#legend of zelda fanfiction#zelda fanfiction#the legend of zelda#botw link#botw#tloz#botw fanfic#zelda#the curious minds
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#thoughts#personal#mental health tw#it's complicated because I both want to address how fucking unhinged I very publically am at the moment#for which I am sorry if you have noticed#and also Not do that and pretend my weirdass behavior flies under the radar and I am being So Very Normal Right Now#which I feel we are past that point but also maybe who cares I don't think people notice but You Know#you get in the thought loop and then it's over#I used to have a private twitter to have weird meltdowns full of me immediately deleting everything I posted#and then I went “wow!! this is not happening anymore!! look at me being an adult about it!!”#and uhh lol#I didn't want it to happen here it's very humiliating to know you are Like This and not being able to affect it much#this too shall pass I suppose#normal posting (???) will resume shortly#I just get super manic when I have mental health cocktails like this + my brain Will Not let me sleep and I need to distract myself#all I want to say is: I'll be normal again at some point probably#it was on slow cook since maybe 9 months and baby it's here now#I'm supposed to go to my first industry event RIGHT after a very very tense burial and I'm already so disheveled like girl what#I'm so going to begin screaming at an industry legend for no reason and then immediately lock myself in a bathroom#anyway. common sense and self control will be back soon#and there are good chances I'll delete this post too at some point!! but. yeah.#it is what it is tm#hope you are as okay as could be#and if not all the courage and strength your way#sending many angry blue ganonpigs your way too. hope that helps! somehow!
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very long and very negative/depressing vent post under the cut because i don't wanna bother my friends at 7 am and don't have anywhere else to put this lmao
i'm gonna be real i'm in my late 20s and have never, ever had what i'd consider a happy life. i've had a few days of happiness here and there but i just do not know what a genuinely happy, fulfilling, hopeful life is like. i might've known when i was like, younger than 10, but my memory sucks so bad that i hardly remember that time and the only thing i was holding onto for a chance of getting to find out someday was keeping trump out of office forever. my mental health gets worse all the time and trying to do anything about it is so, so hard.
and this is going to sound so fucking silly when it's the least of anyone's problems right now but i am the most disney-obsessed person who's never been to disney world because my family could never afford to take the trip. i used to dream more than anything of getting to go with my whole family even just once someday and i lost that dream permanently when my mom died, far too suddenly and far too young, and now i just want to go there for a few days with my dad and brother before my dad gets too old and his health too bad to be able to enjoy it. i just want a nice week-long family vacation where we get to laugh and smile and eat overpriced mickey mouse-shaped food together, my mom's spirit joining us from heaven while we ride peter pan's flight and ask my favorite princesses for their autographs, just once in our lives like so many other families get to do, but i no longer believe we will ever be able to afford that because i'm so scared thinking about if we'll even be able to afford to live the same way we have been under a second trump presidency.
for so long i've fantasized about my family getting out of alabama someday, about being able to move to a state where we could have access to things like health insurance and public transportation that would help mitigate so many of our worst problems, and not to mention abortion rights in case i ever needed one. but moving has always been too out of reach and under a second trump presidency with the rest of the government full of fascists i'm terrified that those states will no longer be able to exist in the same way.
i've dreamed about being able to get a breast reduction--not even full top surgery, just a good reduction because that's truly all i need or want--so i can stop wanting to tear my giant chest off out of soul-crushing gender dysphoria on some days but again, i've lost hope of ever being allowed access to health insurance that could cover that. it's only going to get less and less safe to even be trans, or queer at all, in alabama in the first place. my sister who also lives here in alabama has a wife and two little boys and i'm so scared for them. i'm so much more terrified of everything than i was in 2016 and i am just so, so unfathomably tired. like literally what is even the point of anything anymore? why do i not deserve to know what being a happy person feels like? why does my family not deserve comfort and financial security when they are such wonderful people, so much better than i am? why am i even bothering to cost them so much money and stress by still being alive? what is the point of anything in this world?
#sorry feel free to ignore this but i just. aaaaa#i feel bad for those 'well we don't really know if he won yet' posts i made that started getting notes#because i made them right before the election apparently got called and idk what to even think anymore#idk if there's still a chance or not but i don't feel good about it#i tried to go to sleep because my dad had given me a bit of hope but right as i laid down i got an alert on my phone saying it was called#so here i am treating tumblr like my diary because idk what the fuck else to do
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