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welcometowcwmondaynitro · 3 years ago

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WCW Monday Nitro 09/09/1996

Shit be exploding, so you know what time it is.

Yes sir.

Once again we are not given a location this week, which generally means the town is too small-time for the big shots at WCW to even consider giving a shout out to. My research tells me this broadcast comes from the Columbus Civic Centre in Columbus, Georgia.

As always we are introduced to our first hour announce team, Schiavone and Zbyszko.

Tony is looking quite smart this evening. Larry as expected has a horrific multcoloured abomination on underneath his jacket. It’s basically his gimmick a this point so whatever.

They talk about how the balance of power has shifted to the nWo and Larry says Giant is “the biggest traitor since Benedict Arnold”, nice ancient reference there, Larry. We get a recap of last week’s awesome show-ending brawl.

Once they’re done wrapping this up, Goldberg’s music plays. What? I check my file - yes, definitely 9th September 1996. Has Goldberg time travelled back to 1996 and changed history by debuting early?

Well, either that is one hell of a disguise or no, actually Goldberg’s theme music was first used by this Japanese guy called Pat Tanaka. It’s really weird seeing this random fella walk out to Goldberg’s music. The crowd boo mildly - I guess just because he’s Japanese? I don’t remember there being any storyline reason to boo him, anyway.

Pat’s opponent is... this.

Looks like a mascot from a early/mid-90s video game brought to life. If this is Super Calo then I am curious as to what regular Calo is like. I am unsure as to what makes this version ‘Super’, but maybe we’ll find out in the upcoming match. Mike Tenay joins the announce crew because it is Calo’s debut and Tenay is the only one likely to know anything about him.

Pat Tanaka vs Super Calo

I was kind of hoping Tanaka would start the match with a spear and then jackhammer Calo into oblivion, but no such luck.

As one would anticipate from a man dressed like a stereotypical kung-fu master in an 80s movie, Tanaka starts the match off with some kicks.

Calo jumps around pointlessly and then gets kicked in the face. Bants.

Tenay tells us Calo’s name and look comes from the “top rap group” in Mexico. He does not name this group. Confusingly wikipedia claims Calo is named after a Mexican rock group with the same name, but his image is meant to convey a rapper. So, just... what? Also what rapper has ever looked like Super Calo? In Mexico is that how rappers dress?

Well anyway this odd fellow somersaults over the ropes onto Tanaka outside of the ring.

The screen then cuts to this.

Then we’re back to the match. OK then.

Tanaka hits Calo with a powerbomb, which leads to Tony talking about him being “so schooled in the martial arts”. Yes, because we all know that classic martial arts move the powerbomb. Often followed by a leg drop and a scorpion deathlock.

The ending to this match is beyond ridiculous.

First, Tanaka puts Calo onto the top turnbuckle.

Neither man seems to know what is meant to happen next, so they awkwardly wrap their arms around each other.

Tanaka then lifts Calo up like he’s going for an inverse piledriver and falls backwards.

Apparently he knocks himself out, gets pinned, and loses.

What an idiot.

Super Calo defeats Pat Tanaka via Pinfall.

Nothing too super about our friend Calo in this one I’m afraid. His victory came largely because Tanaka is a super dunce.

We got some lads in the front row who are big fans of the classic moustache.

They seem quite pleased that Calo emerged victorious.

Just under seven minutes in and we throw back to Mean Gene in the locker room with Rick Steiner. This should be good.

Shirts hanging out of the lockers behind them, as you do.

Gene asks Rick Steiner about Nick Patrick’s questionable officiating - referring to the incident last week where Luger was disqualified in seconds for basically nothing. Rick says that he had Luger, and Gene saw it. Total bullshit as the match had barely started, and Gene does point that out.

Luger walks into the frame as we see last week’s replay. Rick is continually going on about how he was going to win, sounding like a mentally challenged three year old. On the other hand this is a guy who also genuinely thinks he’s a dog, so... I should probably be impressed that he is able to form words and put them into a somewhat coherent structure.

Gene says that Steiner is “a little confused” in the understatement of the century,

Luger tells Rick that he’s “a great tag team wrestler” but he feels like he has the edge in a singles environment. Rick continues to fail to understand basic english and keeps repeating “I can beat you, ask Sting” and then starts calling for Sting.

Gene then ushers Rick away like an unruly child as Luger walks off as well. Gene says that Luger was alluding that Rick “doesn’t have it upstairs”, pointing to his head. Wow, what a dick. Luger didn’t say anything like that. All he implied was that he was a better singles wrestler than Rick. Not sure where Gene has gotten his interpretation from, but my guess is he just wants to stir the pot as usual.

Next it’s nWo announcement time.

Just the usual t-shirt ad with Nash saying “all proceeds go towards the Ric Flair retirement fund”. Joke’s on him, that fund must have accrued some serious cash before it was finally paid out.

We’re back and...

Somebody buy these poor kids some real nWo t-shirts.

Where did these people come from? Did they decide to stop by Nitro after a corporate dinner or something?

Are these pilots in the audience as well? Wtf? Why are all these people coming to the show dressed in their work clothes? Is this a common thing in the States?

Oh, hey, guess what - Glacier debuted. I would say “remember all that hype” but if you’ve been reading this sad collection of nostalgic drivel then you will indeed remember the many Glacier adverts that have been on every Nitro broadcast since May or so. We’re now in September and Glacier finally had his first match... on WCW Pro.

Seriously.

WCW Pro is like... Sunday Night Heat or Velocity in WWE terms. It’s below WCW Saturday Night for fuck’s sake. Tony calls it “one of the most eagerly anticipated debuts ever” - which is why he made his first appearance on WCW FUCKING PRO. Oh WCW, what are you like?

Larry says Glacier will be “a force to be reckoned with”, which, spoiler alert. turns out to be the opposite.

Oh good, these two walking charisma vacuums.

And these two lumbering idiots. WCW, the best wrestling on the planet. How could WWF in 1996 find no way to entice people away from Pat Tanaka vs Super Calo and The AFC vs the Nasty Boys? Seriously. It isn’t that difficult.

The AFC do their usual schtick of singing the Canadian national anthem badly and the crowd get angry because ‘Murica fuck yeah and whatever. The Nasty Boys say “fuck this” and attack the AFC after about 10 seconds of this bullshit, getting the match started.

The Amazing French Canadians Vs The Nasty Boys

You don’t care about this match. I don’t care about this match. Let’s just skip to the end.

Knobbs whacks the eyepatch guy with the flag the AFC brought out. Saggs pins for the win.

The Nasty Boys defeat The Amazing French Canadians via Pinfall.

Mean Gene comes scurrying out to interview the Nastys, for some reason.

Saggs says everybody has been pointing the finger at the Nasty Boys, accusing them of being with the nWo (can’t imagine anybody really cares but OK, sure). Saggs says the Nasty’s are only worried about the tag titles which are in WCW, ergo they aren’t interested in joining the nWo. Does he not realise that faction affiliation is irrelevent as far as challenging for belts is concerned? I mean, Hogan is literally WCW Heavyweight champion at this point in time.

Knobbs says that the Nasty’s don’t care about the nWo, they’re in WCW and they’re coming for Harlem Heat to take the tag team titles. Short and to the point, which is fine by me, even if the Nasty’s appear to be under the mistaken impression- that joining the nWo would invalidate them from challenging for the tag titles.

We’re back from a commercial break to find Scott Norton and Sgt Craig Pittman in the ring.

Sgt Craig Pittman Vs Scott Norton

The commentators bill this as a “hold versus hold” match and I’m not sure what this means, as I was under the impression every match is hold versus hold. But whatever.

After some back and forth Pittman decides that it’s time to ram his head into Norton’s sternum.

It looks pretty painful and not especially effective, but Pittman enjoys it so much he does it again.

They head to the outside of the ring. Norton gets whipped against the guardrail, the entirety of which moves upon impact, but then Norton regains control by slamming Pittman’s shoulder into the ring post.

Norton locks in the armbar but the Sarge will not give up. Long gets onto the ring apron to beg Pittman to give in, but he won’t. WCW, for reasons beyond my understanding, is very careful about protecting Sgt. Craig Pittman. He never gets pushed, as far as I remember, but this man WILL NOT QUIT.

Then...

Ice Train wanders out wearing this abomination. Seriously - what the fuck? It’s like a demin vest with a backpack built in. It’s something you would expect to see an eight-year old girl in the mid-90s wearing over the top of a t-shirt or something. What clothing brand figured that this design was suitable for huge, beefy dudes? I don’t know, but they clearly have a customer in Ice Train.

Train throws in the towel for Pittman.

Scott Norton defeats Sgt. Craig Pittman via Forfeit.

He enters the ring and stares down at Norton, who is looking at Train’s vest top and moobs like “dafuq?”

The two former amigos have a staredown which doesn’t lead anywhere.

Pepboys Power Pin of the Week is a submission. Go figure.

We head to the locker room where Gene-o is with Ric Flair, Arn Anderson and Lex Luger.

Three of these men are dressed appropriately. The other is Lex Luger.

Apparently Sting is supposed to be a part of this interview as well but is nowhere to be found. Luger assures Flair & Arn that Sting is in the building, but the Horsemen are having none of it and are concerned that Sting doesn’t have his head in the game. Flair starts going crazy and practically flings himself into an alternate dimension with his erratic movements.

Like a jet propeller is being put directly in front of his face.

Anyway eventually these two sad sacks come lumbering in...

Mongo looks like he’s about to explode, whilst Benoit as usual appears barely awake. Mongo yells about not being able to count on Luger and Sting. Luger reiterates that Sting is in the building somewhere, he’s just not around for the interview. The Horsemen do seem overly paranoid here - how hard would it be to track Sting down and talk to him if they are this pissed off?

Arn says he’s called ahead to Winston, Salem (where Fall Brawl/War Games is being held) to pre-book himself a hospital room as he assumes he’s going to need one. Seems like a somewhat pessimistic thing to do, but is it even possible to pre-book hospital room? Arn is talking like he’s booked a hotel room for the night. Strange lad. He also suggests Hogan uses battery acid to burn out his eyes which... I mean, don’t give the guy ideas, Arn.

Interview ends with everybody talking over each other and Flair wooing a lot - so, the same as most Horsemen interviews.

People in the crowd are holding these signs which say “nWo - you haven’t seen bad... but it’s coming!” - indeed, Hogan Vs Piper is coming.

We get a recap of this thrilling DDP/Eddie/Chavo storyline which nobody cares about, but why this is recapped is beyond me as the next match has nothing to do with any of those three.

Instead, out comes “the desparado” himself, Joe Gomez.

Somebody throws a wad of paper at him as he enters. Obviously not a fan.

His opponent is Juventud Guerrera, who Tony repeatedly refers to as Juventud Guerrero.

As Juvi enters he runs past these ladies, who appear both baffled and unimpressed with him.

Cold.

Joe Gomez Vs Juventud Guerrera

The match starts off okay, but descends into disaster fairly quickly as Juvi starts trying various lucha things which poor Joe is clearly not comfortable with. First Juvi stands on the apron, jumps onto the ropes as Gomez slowly walks towards him and does this...

It’s clear from this angle alone that there is no way in hell Juvi is going to reach Gomez. In fairness to WCW they switch camera angle just in time to make it look slightly less terrible, although I imagine it was more down to luck than skill. Nonetheless Gomez at least tries to sell the move, falling backwards theatrically.

Weeee! Points for effort if not execution.

This happens next, and thanks to Uproxx “Best and Worst of WCW Monday Nitro” series (check it out, it’s great) I have a GIF to put into pictures what I would struggle to put into words.

Speaks for itself.

After this Juvi seems to want to go for a hurricanrana from the top turnbuckle but I‘m not sure if they botch this as well or it was the plan, but Juvi ends up backflipping away from the turnbuckle and then catching Gomez with a weak looking dropkick as he jumps towards Juvi.

Juvi just about manages to hit the finishing move...

But even that looks a little bit dodgy. At least Joe just had to lay there for this one. Ref counts to three and mercifully this one is over. Not sure if Gomez or Juvi are to blame for this shitshow, but either way I advise never putting them together again.

Juventud Guerrera defeats Joe Gomez via Pinfall.

For some reason Mean Gene is on the ramp to interview Nick Patrick. Oh good, more of this storyline.

Before they start the interview though, as Juventud walks past Gene and Patrick, Gene says “very good match there on the part of Juventud Guerrera”, then gives Juvi a disdainful look and mutters “guy just kind of... wanders around here”. LOL. Why is Gene throwing shade at poor Juvi? “Guy just wanders around here”, like he’s a lost child or something. I guess Gene is still salty about the interview with Juvi that went wrong a couple of weeks ago, but come on, that was hardly Juvi’s fault. Obvious Gene is still holding a grudge though.

I don’t think anybody really wants to hear from these two ballbags but here we are anyway.

Gene is accusing Patrick of making too many controversial calls for it to just be coincidence, whilst Patrick is accusing Gene of being a shit-stirring cock cheese who needs to get a life. Neither are lying but nobody really cares either. What is funny is that Okerlund is very haughty and dismissive of Patrick - until Patrick threatens to take Gene to court - at which point Gene stutters “well I-I hope that doesn’t happen” before saying “thank you very much Nick Patrick, sir, thank you” to Patrick as he walks off. Pathetic.

Meanwhile Hogan, Hall, Nash and the Giant are outside in the pouring rain putting those nWo flyers with the “you haven’t seen bad... but it’s coming” slogan on random cars. This seems like a total waste of time as by the time the car owners get back to their vehicles the rain would probably have destroyed those flyers anyway. Do these guys really have nothing better to do? Tony tells us the nWo are “literally” in the parking lot - as opposed to what, being there in spirit?

Ted DiBiase is the smartest of the lot as he 1) has an umbrella and 2) isn’t wasting his time putting up useless flyers in the pouring rain. He’s talking to somebody in the car, and the announcers are shitting themselves as to who it might be, as they tend to do. For all they know DiBiase might just be talking to the driver.

“HERE’S A STORY OF TWO BROTHERS, RICK AND SCOTT!”

Just Rick tonight. He comes out doing that sad half-bark he does whenever something is troubling him.

His opponent, of course, is Flexy Lexy.

Rick Steiner Vs Lex Luger

These two are not exactly known as ‘ring generals’ so I am not expecting a classic here. Let’s see, though. Perhaps we will all be pleasantly surprised.

After various arm drags, headlocks, shoulder blocks, and so on, this happens.

Uh...

Yeah. Rick is basically molesting Luger in the ring and keeps this up for a disturbing amount of time. I guess it’s meant to show his amateur wrestling background but it basically just looks like sexual assault. Rick’s hands are going to places they really should not.

Hour two begins with the usual fireworks. Bischoff, Heenan and Tenay come in on commentary for the rest of the show.

Rick hits Luger with a nice powerslam, and Randy Anderson cannot bear to watch the impact. The crowd bark their approval which, personally, I don’t think is helpful. Rick’s clinical lycanthropy is only going to get worse if people bark at him when he does something good. Or bark at him in general, really.

More cuddling. Back away, Rick. Even Randy Anderson is telling him to cut it out at this point.

Luger takes control with a powerslam and signals for the rack. However, before he can attempt his finishing move...

This dicksplash comes running out waving his arms around. Looks like he’s doing the sieg heil there but fairly sure it’s just the timing of the screenshot.

Anyhow, Patrick tells Luger to follow him out the back, yelling something about the nWo beating up Sting.

Considering Patrick’s recent behaviour, Lex, it might not be wise to...

OK. Never mind. Of course Luger goes running after Patrick, abandoning the match entirely and getting himself counted out.

Everyone looking towards the entrance way like “where’s he going?”

Rick Steiner defeats Lex Luger via Countout.

We get a shot of DiBiase talking to the mystery man in the limo. Sting’s voice is heard but it is blatantly piped in from some other promo. He says he’s “tired of the DTA stuff, don’t trust anybody”, so I guess he’s not a fan of Stone Cold Steve Austin. DiBiase pretends to talk to the pre-taped Sting voice until Lex shows up.

A guy who is clearly not Sting gets out of the limo and starts beating up Luger whilst Bischoff screams “NO! NO!”

I have the advantage of hindsight and my monitor is probably bigger than most people’s TVs back in 1996... but still, it’s really obviously not Sting. Were people genuinely fooled by this?

The nWo along with “Sting” beat Luger down and leave him laying in a broken heap in the rain...

It has not been a good night for Luger. First he got yelled at by the Horsemen, then he spent ten minutes getting inappropriately touched by Rick Steiner during their match, then he gets smacked around by the nWo and left on the ground in the pouring rain. Bad times for sure. Although if you’re stupid enough to follow Nick Patrick anywhere...

Luger does manage to get back up but ends up just kind of wandering around in the rain looking confused whilst the nWo flee, leaving the limos parked outside the building.

These bois are not impressed by what they have just seen. Tenay looks like a dad who is about to grab his belt and put a whippin’ on somebody. Bischoff is indignant. Heenan wears the expression of a man who was just forced to sit through every Raw from 2015. Pure torture.

Bischoff says he has an update which is literally “we don’t know where [the nWo] are. I’m sorry. I don’t know”. Well thanks for that. Very helpful.

We get a long recap of last week’s angle including more footage of the amazing all-out brawl that ended the show. Then we get another nWo advert for their t-shirt.

A bunch of random jobbers are outside with Luger and Rick Steiner milling around the limo yelling out “DIBIASE!” - as if he’ll just pop up and be like “sup bois?” - pointless endeavour. Rick Steiner is the only one smart enough to bring an umbrella outside. Let that one sink in. Luger chucks a bunch of stuff out of one of the limos onto the floor which seems unnecessary.

Out comes pre-Flock Billy Kidman. The commentators could not care less, just droning on about Sting’s supposed “defection”.

The other combatant in this contest is Cruiserweight champion Rey Mysterio Jr.

Rey Mysterio Jr Vs Billy Kidman

The announcers spend the entire match in ‘sad voice’, like their dogs have all collectively died. It’s really annoying.

The match spills to the outside very quickly. Rey gets the advantage and rolls Kidman back in. He attempts to jump off the ropes from the apron, but Kidman knows what’s coming and meets Rey with a dropkick to the chest.

Kidman slams Rey in the centre of the ring, runs over to the turnbuckle and leaps off.

Just a two count though. Rey wins the match soon after this by flipping off the ropes onto Kidman.

It looks weak but whatever. This wasn’t anything special.

Rey Mysterio defeats Billy Kidman via Pinfall.

We come back from a commercial and the Dungeon’s of Doom’s “music” is playing, and I put that in inverted commas because it isn’t really music, just a pseudo-creepy OTT villainous laugh accompanied by some kind of chant. Whatever. Normally any sign of the Dungeon is enough to make me want to hang my head in despair, however!

If Meng is involved, it might be somewhat entertaining. Just to note those aren’t two random arms sprouting out of Meng’s shoulders – the Barbarian is behind him.

The announcers are still going on about how tragic Sting’s supposed betrayal is – and Bischoff apologises for “not giving Rey Mysterio the attention he deserves in his match”. I mean, kind of tough to take that apology seriously considering how often this has happened and will continue to happen until Nitro goes out of existence. It is the only time I can recall any commentator in WCW actually apologising for the routine ignoring of the cruiserweights in favour of talking about/complaining about the nWo, though.

These two are the opponents. Yeah, Public Enemy, they definitely deserve that pyro. Sure. Look at them waving their hands in the air like they just don’t care.

By the way, the commentators are still going on about Sting. I wonder if we’ll get another apology for ignoring this match as well? Not that I’d necessarily blame them here.

Some diehard wrestling fans here. I think we saw them previously – seemingly someone in production has taken a liking to these ladies. They look like they got lost on their way to a PTA meeting, but fuck it, might as well enjoy themselves now. Watch out for the dude behind you though, ladies. That smile worries me a little.

The Faces of Fear Vs Public Enemy

We go to a commercial break, and as soon as we come back Bischoff says “I hate to keep repeating this, but apparently Sting has joined forces with the nWo”. Bullshit, if you hated it that much you’d have shut up about it by now. I mean, jeez, we get it.

This contest is just a brawl, as you’d expect. Not exactly a match for the ages, but all of a sudden, randomly…

This dude on the left appears and begins running/skipping around the ring.

The fuck? It’s like Rockstar Spud’s demented uncle or something.

He briefly chases Jimmy Hart, then just… vanishes? Oh, and by the way, the commentators make no mention of this. They do not acknowledge this at all. Why? Because they’re talking about everything except the match itself. Literally, I’m not kidding, it’s like this match is not happening. It’s like listening to a radio show or a podcast spliced together with unrelated WCW footage.

Wait, what? What’s happening now? The match is ongoing and they just cut to the back. Judging from the faces of these lads you’d think someone died. It’s a sombre scene to say the least – but seriously, why even have the match in the ring? What’s the point? The commentators are acting like it isn’t happening and we cut to an interview as the match is happening. Bischoff doesn’t even note that we’ve cut away from a match in progress, he just says “take it away Gene”, like this is totally normal. Whatever, I guess. It’s not like I’m desperate to see the Faces of Fear versus Public Enemy, but what a bizarre way to structure… everything.

Gene asks Arn to explain what happened in the parking lot earlier. Seemed quite self-explanatory to me and the commentators have not stopped talking about it since it happened, so the viewers really don’t need any extra information.

Arn says he doesn’t give a shit about Luger losing a friend, or that he’s lost a team mate, he’s just shocked. He brings up Sting’s loyalty to WCW.

They actually move to a split-screen here – I guess someone in the production truck remembered there is actually a match going on. It wouldn’t be fair to deprive the dozens of Faces of Fear/Public Enemy fans the chance to see their favourite grapplers go at it.

Anyway, Arn says he has a sick feeling in his stomach, he’s shocked, and he’s out of words. He’s said quite a few already, though, so not really.

Flair stands there with his arms folded, eyeing the audience like a disappointed father.

Luger says he doesn’t have any answers, and that his “best friend in the whole world” stabbed him in the back. He then says he knows where Sting lives and where he works out, and he’s going to go and find him “right now”. Sounds like Lex is planning to murk Sting. However, he should keep in mind this is a guy who only last week tried to murder somebody by chucking a rock through the window of a limo, then stole a police car. Come to think of it, I’m not sure why Sting isn’t in jail. Regardless, I wouldn’t be chasing after him without a good plan.

Flair screams that he’s “sick of it” and just generally yells about how they’re going to beat up the nWo at War Games (including Sting). Arn says “it’s a fight to the death – yours, not ours”. I suppose that was worth emphasising? Also Arn has a tendency to see these matches as ending in death, even though it never comes close to that.

We return to the Faces of Fear/Public Enemy match. By “we” I mean the audience – the commentators are still talking about War Games. I genuinely don’t think they have said anything about the match – oh, wait a minute, Bischoff does mention the match, finally. Although he says the teams are “literally fighting for their lives” which is not exactly accurate. What is up with these people thinking matches are going to end so tragically?

Anyway, the brawling continues for a while and eventually, somehow, Rocco Rock ends up lying on a table. Barbarian heads for the top turnbuckle.

Guys, I don’t foresee this ending well. Seriously, what is the absolute best result of this? Rocco (who can clearly see Barbarian on the turnbuckle) for some reason lays there and lets Barbarian jump on him. It’ll be brutal for both. Or, Rocco moves and Barbarian crashes through the table. Either way Barbarian doesn’t win in this scenario.

Uh oh. Jimmy Hart is absolutely useless at holding Rocco down, kicked away like an insect as Rocco sits up.

That is a fucking sick bump. It’s funny because Barbarian barely takes any serious bumps at all, on Nitro at least, then he decides to say fuck it and leaps to the concrete through a table because YOLO I guess?

Well anyway he dead. Rocco brings a second table into the ring.

Looks pretty old. Nick Patrick wags his finger in disapproval, but incredibly that isn’t enough to persuade Public Enemy to stop. They lay Meng on the table, then Rocco goes to the top turnbuckle for a moonsault…

He almost misses the table entirely, only catching Meng with his legs. The table is weak enough that it breaks despite the soft contact.

You’d think that would be the spot that ends the match, but no. Meng gets up like nothing happened and starts brawling with Rocco again. Barbarian is also somehow revived and back in the ring fighting with Grunge. This is weird because the outside table spot with Barbarian getting wiped out, and then Meng getting put through the table by Rocco’s moonsault, felt like the end sequence of the match. Now it’s like we’re back at the start again. Keep in mind the match has been going for about 10 minutes now. That’s at least 7 minutes longer than is ideal for these teams, really.

Whilst Rocco and Barbarian are hugging it out in the corner, Meng puts the Tongan Death Grip on Grunge and now this one is over.

No explanation as to what the fuck was going on with that random ginger guy running around the ring earlier by the way. Oh well. During the replay Heenan accidentally calls Meng “Haku” and then goes silent immediately. Oops.

The Faces of Fear defeat Public Enemy via Pinfall.

Suddenly Okerlund appears at ringside, accompanied by the Dungeon of Doom.

Maxx, Jimmy Hart, Big Bubba, Gene, Kevin Sullivan, Hugh Morrus and Konnan. To quote Rufus from Final Fantasy 7 – “what a crew”.

Sullivan is no longer painting his face with those stupid markings, but for some reason is now wearing a white headband. Does he think he’s the Karate Kid now?

He also starts making this derp face - and this isn’t just a screen grab catching an awkward expression momentarily, he’s making this face on purpose.

For some reason we go to Jimmy Hart first, who tells the Giant “it’s the beginning of the end for you, you just don’t know it yet”. I’m sure he’s quaking in his boots.

Big Bubba then rants about Glacier, talking about him saying he’s coming for “6 or 7 months” and asking if he’s not debuting because he’s afraid. Slight exaggeration on the 6 or 7 months from Bubba, but to be fair it does feel like those vignettes have been running for at least that long. Bubba actually doesn’t seem to be aware that Glacier debuted on WCW Pro, but it’s WCW Pro, so... understandable. Bubba calls the Dungeon of Doom “the masters of intimidation”…

What he means is that Meng is the master of intimidation. The others aren’t exactly adding much to the equation. Maxx is standing off to the side looking distinctly unimpressed by the entire thing.

With that said, bored does seem to be his default expression regardless of what is happening. I imagine he’d have the same expression even if Bubba was in the process of sprouting three heads whilst doing a kossack dance.

After calling Gene “homes”, Konnan calls Sullivan a “hardened veterano”. He then says Sullivan has seen and led gang wars from coast to coast.

Yes, Kevin Sullivan wearing that silly white headband is exactly what I think of when I think of leaders of gang wars. Sullivan’s ‘wut?’ expression here says it all. I’m not sure you can call the Dungeon of Doom/Alliance to End Hulkamania Versus Hogan and Macho Man a “gang war”. I’m not sure two people can even constitute a gang. Also Sullivan may be worried Konnan is unintentionally (?) implicating him in genuine gang wars… which probably isn’t in the Taskmaster’s best interests.

Konnan challenges the nWo to come out and confront the Dungeon, who he calls “the toughest set”. Yeah, sure. The challenge is not accepted, because the nWo are for sure terrified of a “gang” featuring the likes of Maxx, Kevin Sullivan, Big Bubba and Hugh Morrus.

Sullivan says that Savage thinks he’ll owe the Dungeon “a debt” for carrying him out from the ring last week. I doubt it in all honesty – maybe if they’d actually done something to help him before he’d been beaten down and spraypainted. Carrying him out after the fact didn’t really help much.

Anyhow, Sullivan says Savage can repay this fictional debt by first beating John Tenta, because why not I guess, and then by getting rid of the Giant. That doesn’t really seem like a balanced deal. We carry you backstage after you’ve been beaten up, you make it even by beating John Tenta and the Giant. Hmmm.

Time for some nWo propaganda.

Hogan tells us that they “aren’t here for a stinkin’ reason” – directly contradicting Nash and Hall, who had previously made it clear they’d come in specifically to take over WCW. He then randomly says “we’ve got our boss with us” and points to Ted DiBiase, who’s sitting in a chair behind them.

Homely. DiBiase looks like he’s being held prisoner, but whatever. Hogan says DiBiase makes Ted Turner look like a “pauper”. Honestly I could try to recap this whole thing but it’s really just a bunch of random sound bytes ripping on WCW for the most part. They talk about wanting “their own tag team tournament” for some reason. They also want a segment (on Nitro, presumably) where they can “highlight” their talent. What they actually mean is a segment highlighting Hogan, as we’ll discover going forward. Scott Hall says “nWo 4 life” with the hand sign (might be the first instance of this?) and they all end the segment laughing like it was an amazing joke.

I was a satellite dish owner back then – or rather, my parents were - but no WCW PPVs in the UK, sadly. We only got a butchered hour-long version of Nitro on TNT UK during 1996 & 1997. I didn’t find out that I’d been watching an edited version of the show until many years later. At least now I can sit back and relive the glory of the Faces of Fear Vs Public…. eh, maybe TNT UK were doing us a favour after all.

Back with your bois at the announce desk. Tenay once again has that “stern dad” look, whilst Heenan seems to be whimsically remembering something from years gone by. Take a guess as to what Bischoff is talking about?

A) The upcoming main event

B) Meltzer being wrong about everything

C) Blue Chew

D) Sting’s betrayal

If you’ve been following along thus far, you’ll know the answer. The lad does genuinely hate big Dave though, and loves that Blue Chew. Come to think of it, what is the main event? I can’t even remember. Sting’s supposed betrayal has been hammered into my brain so many fucking times at this point I can barely conceive of any other event occurring at any wrestling show.

Chris Jericho’s music plays, but…

It’s John Tenta? Still got that stupid haircut by the way. Seriously, fish man, you’ve made your point. Get that shaved.

But yeah, I’m confused here. I thought Jericho was coming out. But hold on, that’s Jericho’s second theme, “One Crazed Anarchist”, aka the Pearl Jam ripoff, not the one he’s using at this point in WCW, which I believe is the Journey ripoff. So John Tenta is in fact the OG “One Crazed Anarchist”. For the record, the theme suits Jericho far more than it suits the former Shark.

As he comes out Tenta says “Savage, you’re not putting me down”. You think so, John?

What exactly has that guy in the hat been up to? That is not the look of an innocent person.

Ohhh yeahhh, it’s the Macho Man. The commentators are pretending that the result of the match is in any doubt, which I suppose they have to do.

John “anti-fish” Tenta Vs “Macho Man” Randy Savage

Savage storms to the ring, but that turns out to be a bad idea as Tenta stomps on the Macho Man’s back as he slides in and then clobbers him with a forearm to the back.

Bad strategy, Macho. Tenta’s moobs though… whoa.

That’s an interesting choice of attire for a wrestling event, madam.

Tenta works over Savage in the corner for a bit. Savage then begins to make a comeback, before for some reason attempting to slam Tenta…

Goes about as well as you’d expect. Macho really needs to work on his strategy.

Bischoff actually specifically says here that Heenan accidentally referred to Meng as “Haku” earlier and wants to make it clear Meng now works for WCW and not the WWF. I guess they were really taking this kind of thing seriously due to the lawsuits flying around at this point in history. Funny though, as you hear these kinds of slip-ups all the time. I mean, if TNA or AEW were sued for every time a commentator accidentally used a competitor’s ex-WWE name there would need to be a legal department created specifically just to deal with the fucking volume. At least Heenan didn’t call it “WWF Nitro”.

Tenta hits Macho with a decent looking drop kick – quite impressive considering his weight. Outside of the ring Savage hits Tenta with a steel chair…

He isn’t disqualified because…? He whacks Tenta twice more with a chair. This is not a no-DQ match, but it is WCW, so fuck the rules unless we need them for storyline purposes, right?

Flying elbow drop!

Macho goes up for a second, but then Teddy Long comes to ringside yelling “Macho!” – what could the so-called “godfather” want with Savage? Also where’s my man Ice Train at? Come to think of it, I just remembered what he was wearing earlier… best for him to stay backstage.

Savage still hits the second elbow drop. Long is gesticulating wildly at Savage and yelling something about the nWo. Savage leaps over the top rope with nice agility.

But before we go any further…

Son, I am disappoint. I can’t even say “A for effort” because that is the lowest tier of effort.

Anyway, Savage follows Teddy to the outside of the arena where Teddy announces “YOU GONNA GO ONE-ON-ONE WITH THE UNDERTAKER PLAYA!”

Actually, they run towards a limo.

The limo drives off as soon as Savage approaches it. What was the point of that?

Flair and Mongo randomly appear as the limo drives away.

There’s another limo there, but only a box of spraypaint inside it. There are a ton of WCW guys out there now – the Horsemen, the Dungeon, Public Enemy, Juvi, Super Calo, Savage… basically everyone who was on TV tonight. They start spraypainting “WCW” on the limo windows… or rather, they try to. Due to the fact it’s been raining and everywhere is wet it ends up just looking like a green smudge. As an aside, if that is in fact not an nWo limo, somebody is going to be in for a surprise.

For some reason the commentators are all standing up. Tenay is looking more evil every time he’s on camera. It’s like he wants to reach through the camera and strangle each and every viewer.

Seriously though, he is repeatedly making a “pissed-off dad” face.

“Dad, I borrowed your car…”

“Um… and… I got a speeding ticket…”

“And there’s a dent on the front as I kinda sorta knocked over the mailbox…”

Grounded forever.

Anyway, once they all sit back down Heenan goes on a rant about the nWo which concludes with “if we don’t stop them now then they can’t be stopped”. If only you could glimpse into the future and nWo 2000, Bobby.

Oh, by the way, I guess John Tenta won the match against Savage by count out? It wasn’t announced or shown, but Savage jumped out of the ring and never returned, so…

John Tenta defeats “Macho Man” Randy Savage via Countout.

I guess Tenta was right, Savage didn’t put him down after all. Score one for the fish hating weirdo.

Double A suddenly appears on set. Heenan gives Arn his headset. Can’t help but think it’d be better for Anderson to be in the ring with a mic, as the fans in the arena can’t hear any of this… but whatever.

Arn says that the world is “in shock” and “outraged”. The world is probably a bit of a stretch, but OK. Flair turns up as Arn is talking, as do Benoit and Mongo. Arn says that this all began ten years ago with the original Horsemen, and that they paved the way and showed the nWo how to do it. Technically true. Arn says the nWo want to be the Horsemen “when they grow up”.

Tenay continuing to give that evil stare, even at Arn. Bischoff looks kind of sad.

As an aside, I may have mentioned it before, but I really like this shirt design:

Bischoff begins talking about making mistakes, but Flair interrupts him. Flair screams so loudly that the headset seems to take some damage as the volume decreases slightly. Flair explains War Games – although if you don’t know what it is by this point then what have you been doing with your life? – and says Hogan won’t leave War Games alive. Spoiler alert: he does.

Bischoff then talks about how maybe bringing Hogan in to WCW was “a mistake” and that the Horsemen “haven’t been given their just due”. The same exact sentence could have been said in 2000 and been even more relevant.

WCW then ends the show with a replay of Luger getting beaten up by “Sting” and the nWo. I’m sure he appreciates that. A good thing they reminded us, as I think a whole ten seconds passed at the end there without mention of Sting’s betrayal and my memory had started to go hazy.

#wcw #wcwnitro #nwo #nwo4life #Sting #luger #flair #horsemen #outsiders #wtfwcw #lolwcw #stinger #mondaynightwars #moobs

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welcometowcwmondaynitro · 6 years ago

Text

WCW Monday Nitro 19/08/1996

Tony Schiavone claims that Nitro is “red hot!” as we begin this week’s broadcast. Oddly unlike most weeks they don’t tell us where they are, although it’s safe to assume somewhere in the United States.

Usually a little bar appears along the bottom to tell us where we are, but nope, not tonight. Tony doesn’t mention it either. I looked it up and apparently they’re in Huntsville, Alabama. Why they chose not to advertise that is up to you, the reader, to decide. We get right into the action tonight, as VK Wallstreet saunters out...

He looks very pleased with himself. I’d be looking a lot less arrogant if I was wearing a suit with a stupid dollar sign emblazoned across the chest, but whatever. We’re told this is a return bout between Wallstreet and Jim Duggan. For fuck’s sake. Apparently these two fought at the Clash of the Champions last week. Who cares? And who thought a rematch was a good idea?

Here comes everybody’s favourite super patriotic dunce. By the way, Tony thinks this of all times is the time to say WCW brings fans the best wrestling action in the world. He follows this up by saying they will later bring us the Nasty Boys, as well as the American Males. It’s like he’s taking the piss. We do have Giant Vs Savage and Flair & Anderson Vs Sting & Luger, which is a little better I guess.

VK Wallstreet Vs “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan

Duggan gets a “USA” chant going early doors. Wallstreet is also American so this seems a bit redundant, but then pretty much everything Hacksaw does is redundant.

This match is, as you can imagine, total shit.

This pretty much sums it up. This match goes on for what feels like an eternity. Larry says that a three year old could outsmart Hacksaw. Doing a disservice to one and two year olds imo. Tony calls Duggan “a very intelligent wrestler”, which causes a confused Larry to ask if Tony is ribbing. Tony confirms he is not.

Not even joking, this chinlock takes up at least 50% of the match, and gets applied twice. I guess Duggan needs to catch his breath a lot. The guy is not exactly a cardiovascular marvel.

Match ends when Duggan tries to take out his trusty roll of tape from his tights. Nick Patrick makes him drop it, which causes Wallstreet to pick it up and wrap it around his fist. Patrick admonishes Wallstreet. As they are arguing, Hacksaw takes out another roll of tape from his tights (how much does he have packed down there?) and blasts Wallstreet.

This is a foreign object, so it’s a DQ right? Wrong. Patrick counts the pin and thankfully this one is over. If it was cool for Hacksaw to use the tape why was Patrick bothered about it in the first place?

“Hacksaw” Jim Duggan defeats VK Wallstreet via pinfall.

Here’s our good friend Gene-O, entering the ring to interview Duggan.

The WCW brain trust in full effect. Gene asks Hacksaw about the nWo. Did we not hear Duggan’s thoughts on this a couple of weeks ago? Why does Gene think his opinion has changed?

Hacksaw says that everyone in WCW has been screaming about what they’re going to do to Hulk Hogan.

Hacksaw is also drooling. That’s nice.

Duggan basically starts repeating the same promo from a couple of weeks ago. Before he can get very far into his monologue the crowd starts cheering.

The Macho Man is in the house and making his way down to the ring. Please knock Duggan out.

Macho says that he’s on “the same wavelength, same frequency” as Duggan, which is sad. Savage says he has a problem with Hogan, but Hogan is done “in this lifetime, the next lifetime, and the one after that”. I guess Macho is a buddhist?

Gene shows a replay of Hogan whacking Savage with a steel chair last week during his match with Flair. Savage says Hogan is his wake up call, and now he’s not “laying back” even a little bit. Gene asks Savage about the Giant, who he’s facing later on. Savage recalls the Giant saying he was going to take care of Hogan, but not getting the job done. He says that “the WC(sic) world title” has had “nWo” spraypainted on it, and Savage has 15,000 stitches in his head. Either Macho Man went to a terrible doctor or he’s exaggerating just a little bit. Savage says he’s going to solve his problem with the Giant tonight.

For some reason Hacksaw is applauding this. Not sure what his beef is with the Giant.

We get our first shot of Tony and Larry this evening. Tony is looking very respectable. Larry is wearing a ridiculous shirt underneath that suit jacket. What’s the point? The woman behind Tony in the glasses is super excited.

Tony suggests the the nWo have “awoken a sleeping Giant” after his performance at the Clash of the Champions against Chris Benoit. They show an awesome clip of the Giant dropkicking Benoit into the corner.

That is fucking impressive. Benoit collapses in the corner like he was just hit by a train, then eats a chokeslam.

A brutal squash.

Anyhow, onto the next match.

Still not convinced he’s a real Earl.

His opponent is Chris Benoit, accompanied by Woman and Liz.

WCW pans to the crowd.

She’s a stunt granny.

Earl Robert Eaton Vs Chris Benoit

I’m not really sure why Benoit was chosen to get squashed by the Giant at the Clash. I mean, it’s not like WCW didn’t have plenty of jobbers available who could have taken that spot. We’ve already seen two in VK Wallstreet and Earl Robert Eaton. I would say Hacksaw but Giant dropkicking Hacksaw to the mat may have caused a minor earthquake, so I guess that’s understandable.

Eaton’s trunks seem to have been inspired by Spiderman.

Benoit takes control by stomping on Eaton’s head. We see some brief mat wrestling before Benoit throws Eaton out of the ring and chucks him head first into the ring post before hip tossing him onto the outside mats.

As Eaton is crawling around on the outside, Woman runs over and punts him in the stomach.

They get back into the ring, and Benoit continues to dominate. Tony and Larry start talking about Fall Brawl and the War Games match, which Tony keeps referring to as “the match beyond” - I don’t remember that tagline, and it sounds kinda dumb.

Eaton gets back into the match by choking Benoit in the corner and then hitting a swinging neckbreaker. Tony and Larry are now referring to him as the “Earl of Eaton” which would only make sense if Eaton was an actual place, as opposed to his surname.

Eaton misses a leg drop from the top rope. Benoit then goes up top and connects with a flying headbutt.

This one is over.

Chris Benoit defeats “Earl” Robert Eaton via pinfall.

Benoit gives Eaton an extra stomp post match for good measure.

We see the same Glacier promo that’s been running for what feels like years at this point.

Footage is shown of the tag triangle match between the Steiners, Sting & Luger and Harlem Heat at the Clash. Scott hits the frankensteiner on Booker and has the pin on, but then Nick Patrick sees the Outsiders standing in the aisle and calls for the bell. Baffling decision considering they were nowhere near the ring and not interfering.

We then switch to Flair Vs Hogan, also at the Clash. Hogan is in the figure four but grabs the ref and chucks him into the turnbuckle. The Outsiders then show up and beat the shit out of Flair.

Gene-O is in the back with Sting & Luger.

Lex is giving the camera a somewhat disturbing look.

Luger says he and Sting have a surprise in store tonight. Luger asks Sting how many times they’ve faced the Horsemen, to which Sting replies “hundreds, maybe thousands”. Probably not thousands. Luger says this time “we’re going about it in a totally different wavelength”. Why not just say “way”?

Sting’s face says it all. Sting yells that he’s living life “with a totally different attitude”.

Why does Lex keep making these creepy faces?

Sting says life in WCW hasn’t been a cakewalk for anybody, and he can’t stand Ric or Arn. “And boy oh boy, do the Stinger and the Total Package have a surprise for you”.

They walk off, and Gene is annoyed he didn’t find out what the surprise was. Wouldn’t have been much of a surprise if they’d just blabbed it there and then, would it Gene?

Oh good, it’s Disco. Once in the ring he tries to do the Macarena and fails. What a dicksplash.

His opponent is Scott Norton.

Norton comes out looking pretty chilled. No need to be intense, it’s only Disco after all. This gon’ be a squash.

Uh... good effort? The speech bubble says “I stink, brother”, in case you didn’t understand what putting Hogan’s head on a skunk’s body entailed.

Disco Inferno Vs Scott Norton

As soon as Norton gets into the ring he slaps Disco in the chest. Disco sells it like Norton’s hand was a knife.

Norton misses a running splash into the corner on Disco, who then proceeds to whack Norton on the back a few times. It’s obvious this is having no effect on Norton, so Disco in his infinite wisdom turns around and starts dancing instead.

It ends about as well as you’d expect.

Disco just gets pummelled throughout this match. Norton no sells every punch and kick Disco attempts.

Norton hits Disco with his shoulder breaker finisher. Tony says “that’ll snap a scapula”. What the fuck is a scapula? To google. OK, it’s a medical term for shoulder blade. Why not just say that?

That’s his finisher so you’d think that would be that, but nope. Norton yells threats to Ice Train into the camera, then hits an armbreaker and locks in a single armbar for the submission win.

Scott Norton defeats Disco Inferno via submission.

“TRAIN, I’M IN YOUR FACE, SON”

Scary.

Next we go to an interview with Okerlund, Teddy Long and Ice Train.

Holla, holla, holla. Train is looking suave tonight, except for that massive bandage across his chest and arm. Shouldn’t that be under the shirt rather than over it?

Teddy reminds us that he was chokeslammed by the Giant, and thanks everyone for the cards and letters he received wishing him well. I’m sure they were flooding in. Long says Norton didn’t beat Ice Train at Hog Wild because the ref called the match due to Ice Train taking such a beating. Pretty sure that still counts as a loss, but OK.

They show Ice Train on a laptop, apparently talking to people on the WCW website, before getting attacked by Norton.

Firstly, I love those old school monitors. That’s some seriously thicc back. How bored would you have to be to stop watching the Clash to talk to Ice Train of all people though?

Can’t help but notice that laptop is turned off. Ice Train was apparently just staring at a black screen the entire time.

Ice Train starts talking but I have very little idea what he’s saying. Roughly translated something like “big coward comes out of the locker room, attacking me when I’m online talking to all the soul train fans out there, all my rock n roll trains”.

Teddy is as confused as me. Ice Train says that Norton can’t always attack Train when his back is turned, he’s got to “come, hook up, and look into my eyes”. Train takes off his shades for dramatic effect.

“Then, when you look into my eyes, you gon’ be face to face, brother, with the Train”. He says he won’t always be running around here looking like a mummy. Well, if you put your bandages on properly that would be a start.

They air an ad for Saturday Night and Tony totally fucks it up, calling Ric Flair “Ric Flower” and then stumbling over the 6:05 start time too. Whoops.

Next out is my main man.

Lord Steven, as usual looking like he’s just walked into a sewer.

That is not a happy camper.

Sadly no promo time for Lord Steven. His opponent is “Ice Man” Dean Malenko.

“Lord” Steven Regal Vs Dean “Stinko” Malenko

Dean’s sparkly little vest amuses me. Where do you buy something like that?

Mat wrestling to start things off.

Here’s a visual nobody asked for. Time to move to a different camera angle, maybe?

Regal does a cartwheel.

He’s just having a lot of fun. It’s actually a pretty good match between two very good wrestlers. Regal is obviously not in the best shape and a little slow, but he’s keeping up with Malenko nonetheless.

Regal is sweating pretty hard. Dat gut too. Malenko’s getting a whiff of that armpit. He is not having a good time.

More unsettling visuals. Poor Deano.

Second half of the match has basically been a bunch of rest holds. I think Regal is gassed. Sweat is literally pouring off his face.

Stinko manages to get himself back into the game and hits Lord Steven with an impressive german suplex.

He hits a second and holds on for a pin, but only gets a two.

Regal tries about a hundred different pin attempts before Stinko cradles him for the surprise win.

Dean Malenko defeats “Lord” Steven Regal via pinfall.

Larry: I always say a match is only three seconds away from being over.

Thanks for that pearl of wisdom, Larry.

We’re with Okerland again. This time he’s interviewing the Horsemen.

Arn refers to Sting saying that he didn’t like Ric or Arn, to which Arn replies he never needed anybody to like him as long as he had the Horsemen backing him up. He says he never needed to have a weapon in his back pocket to feel tough. Odd thing to say considering the Horsemen’s well established history of cheating, but okay. Arn says he has guts and Sting & Luger are in for a fight tonight.

Flair yells something indistinguishable about the Horsemen in his usual strange, high pitched voice. He says the Horsemen believe in “wine, women and song” and says tonight “the two pretty boys”, referring to Luger and Sting, will have to walk that aisle.

What a crazy guy.

Fireworks go off as hour number two begins.

They try to throw to Eric Bischoff, but Flair just keeps talking. He tells Hogan that if he’s watching tonight, that “between Babe Ruth, Michael Jordan and Hulk Hogan, the Nature Boy’s got more playing time than you got shower time”. I assume he’s talking about having sex with women, but it’s hard to say for sure.

So, we’ve just had explosions and hype. A big promo from the Horsemen. Hour number two is going to kick off in a huge way, right? We’re going to get...

Oh. The Nasty Boys. Great.Look at that shirt design. An epileptic nightmare.

Their opponents are Public Enemy.

Ugh.

Public Enemy set up their trusty table at ringside and then get into the ring. The crowd are waving their hands in the air like they just don’t care.

The Nasty Boys Vs Public Enemy

The match starts off as a total brawl, with all four men punching and kicking. Knobbs and Grunge end up fighting on the outside, whilst Sags and Rocco Rock compete inside the ring.

Most of the match is shown like this. I assume it’s a tornado tag as the ref has not tried to establish any form of control, and each team is swapping dance partners regularly.

At one point Johnny Grunge goes to hit the Cactus Jack elbow from the apron to the floor, but Knobbs rolls out of the way.

That’s gotta be a painful landing, particularly for a man of Grunge’s size.

You know the match is coming to a close when Grunge places Sags on the table.

In what I can only describe as insanely stupid, Rocco Rock then does a forward somersault onto Grunge...

Sags moves off the table, and Public Enemy go crashing through it.

Idiots. Rocco lands right on Grunge’s midriff. It looks really painful. Bischoff and Heenan laugh heartily. Heenan also notes that it’s pretty fucking embarrassing to be outsmarted by the Nasty Boys. Knobbs then covers Rocco Rock in the ring and this one is over. I still don’t understand why Rocco flipped himself onto Grunge. There must have been a better way to achieve what they wanted. It’s also funny to me that Rocco got pinned - I mean, he didn’t really take any damage from going through the table, it was literally all on Grunge. Oh well.

The Nasty Boys defeat Public Enemy via pinfall.

Guess who has come scurrying out again?

Of course, it’s Okerlund. I swear he’s interviewed literally 80% of the active roster tonight. So far we’ve had interviews with Duggan, Savage, Sting & Luger, Teddy Long & Ice Train, the Horsemen and now the Nasty Boys. Gene is working overtime. It’s basically the Mean Gene show at this point. “Mean Gene featuring WCW wrestling”.

Anyway, Gene asks the Nasty Boys about the nWo. This is the third time now. Sags starts off by saying “hey, NWL (?), backfiring nothing. Everybody that enters Nastyville is leaving Nastyville like those two saps just did - face down baby. Nasty as we wanna be, and that’s all we’re gonna be. NWO, WCW, we’re right here. We’re just nasty as we need to be when we wanna be”. Riveting stuff.

Gene says he wants to “confront” Knobbs publicly on television, then suggests that Knobbs - being a known friend of Hogan - is somehow in cahoots with the nWo. Knobbs calls Gene “shorty” in a disgustingly sick burn, then says Hogan can do whatever he wants and the Nasty’s will do whatever they want. Knobbs says they want the WCW tag team titles - and that’s that. So much for the big confrontation.

We get our first shot of Bischoff and Heenan sitting at the big boy desk. Bischoff claims WCW isn’t paranoid about the nWo. Bullshit. Heenan talks about WCW being ready to fight whilst the people behind him chant “weasel”.

We go to the standard WCW magazine commercial, featuring a kid saying the WCW magazine is “really cool” whilst morphing into Sting.

Obviously it just happens to be a magazine with Sting on the front cover. The kid then morphs back into himself, but now he’s dressed like Sting.

OK.

So we see more footage from Clash of the Champions. They’re pushing the highlights of this show pretty damn hard. Apparently Eddie Guerrero defeating DDP for the Battle Bowl ring. Why would Eddie or anybody else give a shit about that stupid ring? And even if he did, what does beating DDP in a singles match even prove? Battle Bowl is a tournament, so winning the ring in a random singles match means nothing. Idiocy.

Anyhow, after the match DDP goes to shake Guerrero’s hand, and like a white meat babyface idiot Guerrero accepts the handshake...

Only to get hit with a diamond cutter. Serves you right for being such a gullible chode. The sooner Eddie turns heel the better. What’s hilarious is that as DDP continues to beat up Eddie, putting him on the top turnbuckle for another diamond cutter, Chavo Guerrero Jr comes running out to “make the save”. Except DDP literally pushes him away like a child...

Then hits a really, really shitty looking diamond cutter off the top turnbucke on Eddie. Chavo couldn’t look like more of a bell-end here if he tried. Totally useless. That leads us into the next match, DDP Vs Chavo Guerrero Jr.

DDP Vs Chavo Guerrero Jr

Chavo starts out with a couple of dropkicks sending DDP outside, then dives out onto Page on the floor. Page somehow ends up getting Chavo into this position:

And just kicks the shit out of him. Kind of amusing.

DDP pretty much dominates the match, smacking Chavo around like a nobody. Chavo gets a couple of rollups but absolutely no real offense after his initial moves at the start of the match. Page hits Chavo with a brutal looking sit down powerbomb...

That gets an “ohhhh” from the crowd. The ref starts to count the pin but Page rolls out of the pin and gets back to his feet. After hitting a belly to belly and once again releasing the pin attempt, Bischoff yells for Page to be disqualified. For what? If he wants to release the pin then he’s within his rights to do so. Considering WCW can’t even stay consistent with the over the top rope DQ rule I’m not sure they really want to start adding other ridiculous reasons to DQ somebody. Anyhow, Page signals for the Diamond Cutter. Chavo however manages to reverse it into a pin attempt and gets the surprise three count.

Now DDP looks like the chode.

Chavo Guerrero Jr defeats DDP via pinfall.

DDP hits a Diamond Cutter on Chavo post match, then...

Starts removing Nick Patrick’s belt. Uhhh... OK, he’s just going to whip Chavo with it. I was starting to get worried as to where this was going.

After DDP whips Chavo a few times with the belt, Randy Anderson comes sprinting out to try and calm things down. Randy manages to grab the belt off Page and Page then leaves the ring. Anderson then asks Patrick why he didn’t try to stop DDP. In Patrick’s defence, what was he supposed to do? Bischoff is saying he wants to discuss Parick’s conduct with the Executive Commitee, but Heenan rightly points out that Patrick really couldn’t do much with Page going mental whipping Chavo. The only reason Randy Anderson was able to take the belt off Page was because he snuck up behind him.

You’ve got to be kidding me - Okerlund AGAIN? Might as well just get him a ringside seat at this point. Patrick says he was waiting for back up before trying to stop DDP. It’s really a fair point, and if WCW is trying to paint Patrick as in the wrong here it’s frankly ridiculous. Gene goes on to say that people are pointing fingers at Patrick over his supposedly questionable officiating, to which Patrick responds that the reason he’s getting so much grief is because Gene is being a shit stirring dickface. He doesn’t say it in quite those words but that’s essentially the implication. Hard to disagree. Parick does seem to have some delusions of grandeur, however, as he says “the media - the newspapers, the magazines” - Nick, there are no newspapers or magazines outside of the WCW magazine who give a shit about any of this. Hell, most of the fans don’t give a shit about it either. The only reason Okerlund cares is because he loves stirring the pot and causing trouble. Further proving that point, Okerlund brings up Patrick recently buying a nice home and snidely comments “I know the kind of dough you make, that’s pretty impressive”. What an asshole.

Our next upcoming match is the American Males Vs Harlem Heat for the tag team titles. They decide to throw back to September 1995 - nearly a year ago - to show the American Males beating Harlem Heat to win the WCW Tag Team titles.

The pair of them are dressed like male strippers, which always brings legitimacy to a set of titles. The held onto the titles for precisely 9 days before dropping them back to Harlem Heat on WCW Saturday Night, so, yeah. Barely worth bringing up. Bischoff doesn’t mention that part.

AMERICAN MALES, AMERICAN MALES, AMERICAN MALES....

At least they’ve lost the suspenders. They barely get half way down the aisle before their awful music is cut and Harlem Heat’s music plays.

For the record, Stevie Ray is back there somewhere. It isn’t Booker and Sister Sherri defending the titles. Booker starts yelling about the Nasty Boys, showing how much attention they’re paying to the American Males. Booker also yells that what the Nasty Boys did was “illegal”, and we all know how much Booker hates illegal tactics.

Oh, by the way, the announcers mention that Bagwell has recently been in a movie. It was “Day of the Warrior”...

OK. Which one is Bagwell?

American Males Vs Harlem Heat (w/Sister Sherri & Col. Rob Parker)

Nick Patrick is the official again, which is odd considering how supposedly controversial he is. If there was so much suspicion over him then surely by now he would have been suspended? Anyway, the match starts off with Stevie Ray beating the shit out of Scotty Riggs, before choking him against the ropes.

Booker tags in and Riggs briefly gets some offence before Booker puts the Heat back in control. We get the old trick of one tag team partner being distracting the ref, allowing the other tag team takes advantage. Heat just punch and kick the hell out of Riggs in the corner.

A proper old school beat down. Sherri is now distracting Patrick, although it’s for no obvious benefit as Stevie Ray is just wrestling Riggs normally in the ring, hitting him with a suplex.

Booker goes to jump off the top rope onto Riggs but gets caught mid air with a drop kick...

Ouch.

Riggs finally makes the hot tag to Bagwell, who comes in like a house on fire. He kicks Stevie Ray in the face and then drop kicks Booker T to the mat. Bagwell runs Stevie Ray into Booker T, and Stevie is such a big unit that the impact sends Booker flying over the top rope.

Bagwell goes for the pin on Stevie Ray but only gets a two, and Bagwell then gets thrown to the outside. Bischoff continues his vendetta against Nick Patrick by claiming it was a slow count, even though it clearly wasn’t. At this point they’re basically just bullying Patrick, which doesn’t exactly make him a heel.

Back in the ring Riggs hits Stevie Ray with a missile dropkick. Bagwell then climbs to the top rope to execute some kind of move on Stevie Ray, but Booker recovers and pushes Bagwell off the top rope...

Stevie Ray hits a powerslam and covers Bagwell for the win. Riggs tries to jump in literally two seconds after the pin has been counted.

Pointless.

Harlem Heat defeat American Males via pinfall.

The biggest shock post match is that Mean Gene isn’t around to try and stir the pot. We do get another Glacier promo though (the same one as usual) so that’s... something.

We come back from that promo package to the Horsemen theme music.

Flair and Anderson certainly clean up well. Oh, no, that’s Woman and Liz. The other two are way behind them. Heenan says “we are live, and I mean L-I-V-E, live!” - is there another way to spell it? I’m not sure that needed elaboration.

Out come Sting and Flexy Lexy. Time to learn what their surprise is. Neither of them look particularly enthused to be there.

Before the match starts, Sting grabs a mic. He says he wants all of the Horsemen out here, so Benoit and McMichael come out. We go to a break and...

Yeah, of course, it’s Okerlund. I should have known. He’s taken off his jacket though - probably worked up quite a sweat from running to and from the ring so often this evening. He looks like an insurance salesman. Also I’m pretty sure his trosuers are too long, but whatever. He hands the mic to Sting, asking if this is the surprise. Sting confirms it is.

Sting says “we can do what we always do, and beat each other up, or we can recognise that there’s a major problem right here in WCW”. Sting says he and Luger know they can never trust Flair and Anderson, and that’s a fact, but all their blood and sweat has been shed “whenever your career has taken you” right here in WCW. Erm, nope. Completely incorrect. Anyway, Sting says that Flair, Anderson, Luger and Sting “are WCW”. Sting says he is demanding that he and Luger take the two War Games slots beside Flair and Anderson. I assume that is instead of Benoit and Mongo. Not really a tough choice here, is it? Benoit is a great wrestler but losing Mongo isn’t going to hurt much.

Flair has a contemplative look on his face. I imagine he’s wondering why, if Sting admits he can’t trust the Horsemen, teaming with them would be any better than teaming with the nWo. Answers on a postcard.

Arm says he doesn’t like Sting and Luger, and they don’t have the same philosophy. Arn says Luger has “a heck of a body” and calls him “ripped”. OK, sure. Arn says Luger can’t bring “all these jiggling pecs, and all those shoulder muscles to War Games”. Not sure what he means by this. Luger will have to physically be there, so yes, the jiggly pecs and shoulder muscles will indeed be coming along for the ride. Arn says if Luger brings the power and dedication it took to build his body to War Games then that’s a different story. Luger replies that Arn can talk about “jiggling pecs and the body”, but he and Flair know that Luger and Sting have always given 100% when they’ve faced each other.

Arn says he knows what Luger is getting at and turns his attention to Sting. Arn asks if for one match Sting can “take that albatross” from around his neck - always caring about what the kids think, always trying to do the right thing - and discard it, because to win War Games you have to do something “so violent, and so painful, that [your opponent] looks into your eyes and says ‘I quit’”.

Sting is incredulous that Arn would even ask that question. He reiterates that WCW hasn’t been a cakewalk for any of them, but Sting says he has “lived the life of WCW”, whatever that means.

Finally Flair gets on the mic and says “let me get this straight, you and the Package want to team with me and the Enforcer?” - yes, Ric, that’s what this entire promo is about. Keep up. Flair says if Mongo and Benoit will step aside, they’ll agree to teaming up. Gene asks Benoit for his thoughts. Benoit says he’s waited his entire life to become a Horseman, and Ric and Arn have never betrayed him, so he’ll stand behind whatever decision they make. We then go to Mongo, who says he was a part of the best team to play in the NFL, and he knows how to sacrifice. Mongo says he’s willing to sacrifice if Ric and Arn deem it necessary, but that if Sting and Luger don’t hold up their end of the bargain “what the nWo do is going to seem like a day in the park”. Arn finishes the promo by saying “I guess everybody agrees, we have a deal”.

Honestly, this was a really good segment. Arn in particular was superb. Sting and Luger were a bit generic but that’s fine. Overall a very good job.

That said, could this not have all been agreed in private? Sting and Luger’s surprise was actually abandoning the match that had been advertised to the fans to instead have a chat with the Horsemen in the ring. Poor form.

Our latest nWo propaganda piece begins.

Nash says they’re in “Rome, Italy” as he and Hall do some silly poses. They’re actually in Denver, Colorado, but... whatever. Hall says it’s kind of funny to be in the ruins when they’re the hottest new thing happening. He’s still using his fake cuban accent at this point. They alternate between chatting about random shit and saying “I told you so” regarding winning the world title belt at Hog Wild. They mock the Giant and bury the Booty Man. Hall says that Luger reminds him of a movie star. Nash says Luger reminds him of Mr Ed. This is Mr Ed.

He’s a talking horse.

Nash says “what’s up with Sting?” and Hall says “nice hairdo Sting”. He does have a bit of a funky hairstyle going on at this point in time. They call Sting and Luger pathetic. “Don’t call us, we’ll call you” says Hall as the promo ends.

Back in the arena the Giant is coming out with Jimmy Hart.

We don’t get to see Macho Man’s entrance as...

He comes out behind the Giant and waffles him a couple of times with a steel chair. I suppose that’s one way to get an early advantage.

Macho slams the chair into Giant’s head a couple of times for good measure. He isn’t fucking around. The referee eventually takes the chair from Savage, at which point Giant kicks Savage in the stomach and basically no sells the half a dozen or so chair shots to the head that Savage delivered. Giant pushes Savage against the guard railings on the outside and starts hammering his forearm into Savage’s chest.

For some reason the fans behind Macho seem to be enjoying this a lot.

Giant tosses Savage into the ring and the ref starts calling for the bell, assumedly for a disqualification. The match never started though, so that doesn’t make sense. The bell does ring but it’s basically meaningless. Giant puts his hand around Macho’s neck for the chokeslam, but Savage kicks Giant in the stomach. For some reason Giant sells it like he was kicked in the balls, but unless his balls are somewhere near his belly button that is nonsense.

It’s amusing to see Giant waddling around the ring like this, though. Jimmy Hart comes into the ring with a chair, but Savage kicks Hart in the gut and tosses him back outside. Savage grabs the chair and is preparing to hit Giant with it, but out comes Hugh Morrus (humorous, get it?). He gets smacked with a chair for his troubles.

As does Ray Traylor.

Savage hits Giant with the chair again, then smacks the Barbarian and Meng in the head as they come running to the ring. Savage then realises he just hit MENG in the head with a chair and realises he done fucked up, so he does the only smart thing in that situation...

He sprints the fuck out of there. A wise move.

Giant, however, is raging, and so he literally leaps over the top rope in pursuit of Savage.

Paul Wight has ridiculously impressive agility at this point in time.

Giant sprints to the back and we’re back with Bischoff and Heenan.

Bischoff says the match never officially started. He gets word from the Executive Committee that it will be Flair, Anderson, Sting and Luger against the nWo at War Games. It would have been pretty funny if after all that the Executive Committee would have said “yeah, you guys did a pretty sweet promo out there, but nah, we’ll pass”. Bischoff is certain the nWo don’t have a fourth guy to round out their team, although I’m not sure why he’s so confident about this. He said the same shit about them not having a partner for Bash at the Beach and look what happened there. Those who don’t learn from history, Eric.

We end on that note...

#wcw #sting #luger #flair #anderson #wcwnitro #nwo

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