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lebihanto-universe-blog · 5 months ago

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Be Irresistible, Click Here - Get my NEW book The Greatness Mindset today! - Sign ... and you said something beautiful it's not necessarily a fight we can shift from and need to be right or wrong to dress it and attempt to understand [Music] welcome back to school greatest podcast we've got the inspiring dr. Nicole de perak in the house good to see you talked about this second time on your on six months ago and people just needed the information so much they're eating it up people are struggling in a lot of areas of their life you are helping them in so many different ways so we've got you back on and I'm just pumped about this because you were just saying this interview we did last time so many people resonated with it in a big way from the video the audio a lot of people are messaging about it mm-hmm and same for us so I was like we got to do more we should do like a series we should do something and you're back here so I'm excited and what's it been like in the last year for you because I think a rich lives in at the beginning of last year you had a very small following not small but you may be 100,000 followers made me write I don't know January January last year I'm probably around that happened pretty quickly I can't remember when I hit the million so I'm now nearing two million it's it's mind-blowing these to me but here's the thing there's a lot of other people that are trying to do what you're doing but they're not growing as fast is there a reason for that do you think like there's a lot of other therapists that are trying to copy your stuff or just trying to like be inspired by it and do their own thing but they're not really growing the way that you're growing why is it what you're doing is taking off whereas it's not for other people in the same way right well without knowing I think kind of what other people are doing or not doing I think what why I'm taking off and have taken off quite quickly I mean numbers started to grow fairly quickly surprisingly so upon my entry online and I the way I understand it is just I think the universality of it the fact that what I'm talking about is so much resonating whether or not I'm talking about all of the areas in which I've been stuck whether I'm sharing my own background and conditioning and experiences or whether I'm talking about the process of healing and all that comes with that I think in all in my whole story I guess I should say there's just points that I think is so universally relatable and when you can see yourself and hear yourself and feel yourself in another human you become attracted to wanting to hear more to feeling understood and then when I shift and I start to talk about the work and the healing I've done I mean I feel like that can be an empowering so I don't know kind of how something about my topic is very it's it's global it's a big topic I think about that often I'm not like super niche down where I just talk about you know maybe boundaries and that's it so day-in day-out talk about boundaries you know I think that with my scope you're gonna find like I was saying the part of my story or my journey that resonates and then you're gonna become likely to connect for those who don't know the the main parts of your story one of the one of the parts of your story that really resonated with people you think yeah I want people to listen to last night we talked more about it but it for a recap yeah main part of your story that you talk about you've had to heal that is a reflection about what a lot of people are going through yeah what is that well the first word that I think we most of us can relate to is the word stuck is being stuck in our lives watching yourself live patterns whether or not they're in your daily behaviors or patterns and you're thinking mine or just being stuck in certain specific feelings maybe a lot of us and a lot of us do logically we're insightful maybe a lot of us have been in treatment in therapy and we might know a way out or

think we know a way out yet we still feel stuck I felt that my whole life having clocked many hours in my individual work before I shift it the way I practice but with individual patients clients same thing that word would come up time and time again you felt stuck I mean I was stuck I feel stuck I have maybe thought I had the tools to change thought I had the insight to change couldn't implement them therapist and I'm surfboard I'm seeing same stories coming in week after week with my clients quite literally the same stories here's the issue I had with my partner okay well explore it insightful II maybe will even come up with a game plan of how to choose a new response in this future fight that of course is gonna happen flash forward to that next week same fight Groundhogs Day Water Kingdom so you would give because I give this one therapy a lot it's like okay when there's a breakdown or a fight the therapist will give a tool to try to like defuse a fight or to say okay let's take ten seconds of a breathing together let's step out of the room and then come back together I will call whatever it is right there's like different tools you can use in an argument or a fight with a loved one or a friend or or anything like that but why don't they seem to work most the time why is that why don't they work when we're having that conversation about what to do next we're in a part of our brain that where consciousness lives this is where we can be separate from ourselves our thoughts our feelings or I do my little like spotlight where we're like this little observational spotlight of ourselves we have access to logic to long-term planning you know that's the part of our brain that makes us human this ability to be conscious to observe ourselves to think about thought beautiful power and gift that we have we're not able to do that in that dress one moment those are the moments that we're having this conversation so a lot of therapy sessions take place very consciously we're I'm beyond some most therapy rooms it's very nice that nice balanced place and so we get it but you're right when we get into the moments where we need to use it we're now functioning from a lower part of our brains called the subconscious which is part of our past I talk a lot about the subconscious the means in which we literally carry our past or all of our wounds live and what causes those emotional reactions so even if I have trouble if I know what I'm gonna do differently we're gonna hey you're my partner and we we love this idea of timeout so when things get escalate we're gonna timeout chances are when an emotion is touched in one or both of us we're right we're shifting right back down to that emotional lower center of our brain and that's gonna dictate what we do and we're probably gonna do the same thing that we always do when we're absolutely at screens create a trauma dissociate I love that one myself is that what you do oh I used to be the queen I used to call my spaceship I used to go away and I got very good at not appearing away so I could still continue but emotionally I was so disconnected from myself the moment my feels you would be there pretty you'd be physically there but not emotionally I never just disconnected most connect so I'd be you know very calm talking or an appearance because I was but here on okay down here there might have been a whole multitude of feelings bubbling up but that was too much too overwhelming so how what's the okay so these tools can only work to a certain point it seems like based on your experience of working with a lot of people one on one and seeing them come back okay we tried timeout we tried this so it seems like the only work to a certain point of our ability to be conscious of the moment right yes is it true or yeah we're there yet consciousness is where we are granted choice otherwise that subconscious is gonna run those same patterns behavioral motion it's almost like we have no choice no choice we are we're

disempowered we are you'll hear me often talk about we've come we become reactive to the environment we live a reactive life toward the environment as in things happen in our world and I only react in the same way typically and that's it makes us feel very powerless very victimized we are a victim of circumstance in that way so how do we change that power this feeling that yeah we have to practice consciousness we really have to I mean change begins when you practice being conscious practice showing up practice observing yourself practice observing all of the patterns not just when it's calm but when it's I honestly don't suggest you begin to practice what it's chaotic practice when it's calm got you so that you can practice when it's chaotic so give me an example like when it's calm how would you be responding in a certain way of love or peace as opposed to hysteria yeah well that'd be like reframed that because I think it's really important and you're not being triggered then how do you practice exactly in a lot of us we eat because oh I only have an issue when I'm triggered right so I'm gonna wait to use this new tool then so we can't just wait till then because we're not going to use something new then we're going to do the thing that was for Miller then so I really am a harbor on the point of consistency and to be just developing a consistent practice of what we're talking enough confidence to that when you really need to be observational of yourself to see why you know that dish that was left out was so offensive there's a trigger right and cream that space then so that distance still be there I still can feel incensed by it because that doesn't go away right away but I might not throw it at my partner or knock it on the floor you know I might choose a different response so it's really a gradual evolution but it starts by practicing consistently all of the time starting in small moments of course because I'm the biggest believer and too much change too quickly overwhelms assistants so you're not gonna your intention isn't gonna be oh I'm completely unconscious so now I'm just gonna start being completely conscious starting tomorrow no no sorry you're gonna start to be conscious in one moment in your day for a good long string of days and then maybe you're gonna try to do it for two moments in your neck and then three I'd say I mean my my girlfriend moved in a couple months ago and I'm so used to a certain routine every single day of the way I like things right and so when she moved in with our dog it was like I had to learn so many new ways of living in my space and our space now and I love to make the bed right away right after I get up she gets up I get up early and I go to the work gym and I like to make my bed right away she likes her sleeping a little longer and doesn't like to make the bed as quickly and I had to learn because we were making the bed quickly and then it's like not being a no I want to be I want to be but I had to like just learn to accept certain changes without reacting and being like even though I'm used to a certain way all the time am i okay with not doing this or it not being done the way I want it to be now they've been in a new relationship and I've been able to observe and practice without getting upset or without getting mad being like okay this is how it's gonna be and if I want it to be done a certain way I can make a request I can wait till she wakes up and then I can do it myself you know or whatever maybe we can create some new type of relationship around it but I need to be willing to evolve and change as well where I'm not always gonna get everything that I want all the time in an intimate relationship is that not true yeah that's sure you also highlighted something very real which is that it doesn't mean that right away you're right on board right you know right away you might wish that she was up and your bed was made and that's okay we shame ourself as humans because if we have that

old reaction or a sign that old meaning immediately we become shameful I should have done that I should it doesn't matter I mean we're gonna have those thoughts they're gonna stick around for a mile we're gonna have those feelings even they're gonna stick around for a while but we can start to create new choices and we don't have to feel badly you know about desiring to live those old familiar patterns it's actually part of being human I have I feel like I'm so proud of myself in the last few months because my girlfriend moved in and it was stressful the first cold months there were so many beautiful days and but then there was like things that would trigger her that then would trigger me how it happens in couple she's a passionate Latina and she likes these we're way too so I could if I remember just thinking to myself like I could easily go back into a pattern of trauma resentment feeling abuse not feeling a sense of fairness whatever my childhood traumas were and there were a couple times where I did argue from that place and I realize this is not gonna work if I come from this place this relationship will not thrive and I'm not saying it's okay for her to come from that place so we're working on things together but I just realized like is it better for me to be right and try to prove my point and argue something or is it better to just listen love come from a place of peace in that moment and then reflect and talk about it later like the next day even though I want answers now I resolve this right now here's why I'm like I want to defend my point but it's been a beautiful shift in my partner since I've been doing that and just letting my ego go of like needing to be a writer of a certain situation it's amazing I'm not saying it's easy but it's amazing the amount of love and I just automatically switch to appreciation right when there's a trigger or something I'm just like I appreciated you so much you're right about that I'm gonna work on this more even if she's not a hundred some writer it's like you're right about this and I can empathize with this and it's been incredible it's so hard to do unless you practice and so what I do every morning is I just shower with appreciation when it's called and I'm like already in that mode and I just think that's a game changer and I'm not I'm not saying I have it all figured out and I have this like perfect relationship but I hear so many people in relationships who struggle and I asked them I was like when's the last time you texted what you appreciate about them so Whitney of what isn't appreciated what could be done differently what you said - really I think beautiful pieces in that which is that I mean first and foremost I want to knowledge you Louis because you changed mm-hmm right you didn't yes a partner change right you said I'm gonna experiment with all I can have a new relationship with this experience so I can do differently and a lot of us when there's discomfort or conflict in a relationship we do very quickly what the other person is this is back to that reactive way of living right if the environment is affecting me negatively that we were describing earlier myself you're my partner and you are the environment that's affected me like I'm late please change so that I can now feel better but change comes within I mean so that was very beautiful that you owned the responsibility I think there's also something to be said about this concept of right and wrong I mean not to go all esoteric but we can make an argument for days about this concept is right is there anything right and you said something beautiful it's not necessarily a fight we can shift from and need to be right or wrong to just an attempt to understand that's it empathize with where the person is coming from where they're why they see that perspective that they are what about and something else I think that is beautiful is your realization that somewhere wrapped up in here was that pass that was very painful for

you but very much alive in this moment it doesn't mean that that this moment embodied the past yes in an objective way it just means that it triggers a part of you that remembers that past right so very really beauty I'm gonna love that illustration that really touches on the work that needs to or that we have in our practice I'm just practicing like I'm doing things I normally wouldn't do but also the things I'd only want to do have never fully worked for me in a relationship you know I just always used to doing things my way mm-hmm because this is who I am and don't change me and don't yeah exactly right and now I'm just like okay even though it may seem a little more time to do this thing or a little more effort here or to sacrifice something else in my life to cultivate this over here if that's what I'm calling a sacrifice just by doing any experimenting these things even though I was resistant to them in the first couple months like him do I really need to go do this thing in my life that I did all the time that wasn't really adding value or spending that extra 10 minutes cultivating this relationship more meaningful it so just shifting the awareness of my life about what I thought I wanted to what's actually more valuable so not to go off on this but I feel like what I wanted to talk about is people practicing when and you're not in conflict and the reason why tools don't work is because I don't think people are practicing enough when there's not trauma or stressful moments and is that is there anything else that could I guess make the tools work except for conscious practicing I guess it's also healing your traumas but how do we start to well that's it actually so the way I think about a healing journey and kind of build it into a foundational pyramid okay with the bottom layer being our physiological body our nervous system about it because to speak to your point that you're very beautifully alluding to which is that we do we carry dis regulations physiological imbalances nervous system dysregulation what's the book the body keeps us cool and keeps us going I've never read about here it's great yeah it's really it's really anyone reading it's it's dense scientifically so I know it can kind of dissuade people away from it because it he does it's an incredibly pivotal impactful book and I definitely suggest people give it a shot but I know that it can be pretty dense the the overall premise is that trauma is stored in the body yeah I'm a believer that most of us have some degree of a traumatic experience in our past I'm a big believer in expanding the definition of trauma beyond that the big t the way we typically think about it it doesn't need to be a physical trauma can be emotional psychological emotional it's interpersonal it's not feeling seen not feeling loved we accept as the authentic being that we are by typically our earliest relationships our caregivers our schools our things like that my best friends or ever you yeah so expanding trauma I mean I throw the net quite wide like I really have yet to meet people that don't take some of the boxes that are in my opinion exactly what's the greatest trauma most people face or feel right now I think not feelings significant not feeling authentic and theirs themselves which began not feeling seen and authentic as being a separate being in their earliest relationships I think we all carry a version of that really because it's incredibly difficult for a human to show up for another human an infant their infant so because the remodeling things directly indirectly so any any conflicts any struggles any imbalances any any conditionings it's not so positive that caregivers a parents you know I've struggled with probably is gonna be modeled in the exact same way and this is where intergenerational patterns happen if you look back in your families you'll see the same sort of patterns you know as you start to become conscious and as you start to observe these your parents and their

parents that this to them and their parents that and if you really want to go into the physiological layer that we're talking about now I mean you're you were grown right as a baby as a as an embryo in a body right so that humans body that's housing this little developing fetus is in some version of physical regulation or dysregulation right so if you really want to go back you know these imbalances are affecting you in development so then you come out and then all of your body and how it functions is affected by the food you eat by the choices you make in terms of how much sleep you got how do you handle stress essentially what you do all day is gonna affect whether your body's regulated or not who do you think is more I'm gonna compare traumatic experiences but whoa who in your mind who do you think would have a harder time the child who feels not seen or taken care of by the parent or the parent who is giving their heart and life to the child but doesn't see don't feel seen acknowledged for their caregiving yeah because I can only imagine oh thank you parents like saying I've given you my life I'm sacrificing my dreams or whatever the conversation might be to you and you're ungrateful you're not loving you're angry you're what do you think is more traumatic the parent trauma or the child trauma I think very equally equally traumatic and I was actually talking about this this morning with my partner there's an aspect of it that whatever the story from the child side and from the parent side that is their truth right there that's their experience oh that's their truth emotionally that is Richard doesn't matter objectively if an observer would say oh no I actually think you did give enough to actually you know appreciative right there doesn't matter because either those parties are living in their truth which can be equally in my opinion as traumatizing and probably chances are that parent when they were a child right probably at some version of that experience similar or almost complete opposition sometimes we kind of go and over a compensation attempt to that so I you know so that my argument then being so now you here to have a caregiver who probably is carrying their own trauma from their caregivers yes and now is carrying their own trauma from having you know a child and then this is where a really big snowball gets created and I think back to the why why now why the popularity of the account I think we're finally at a time and Collective evolution where it's very apparent that these old ways these old conditioning patterns aren't helpful and now we're starting to have the tools the internet being one of them where all this information can come out and be out in the world and now you see a collective evolution happening yes I don't want to cut you off I apologize be said the triangle of healing journey is that a pyramid the body and the physiological ways we are dysregulated or imbalance and then the nervous system because without that imbalance and this was my story for quite some time because I was I lived my life in fight-or-flight all to my whole life and that sympathetic in a nervous system response which means my nervous system as yours does and as yours controls our whole body so when you're in that reach its react we feel very emotionally reactive everything feels like we're waiting for that next draw alright and next draw and everything I mean my water being empty right now could be a straw if I you know if I was like amped up enough living in that really prevented me and this is why I'm so passionate about holistic healing one of the definitions of holistic being of the body also of a whole you know my body I believe soul how all these parts interact we need to include the body because from my life having tools being in therapy being on medication my body was so dysregulated at the nervous system level that it didn't matter if I very insightful II knew that time I need to call this timeout with you Louis I want

it because my body was too dysregulated to give me a change you messed up that's why I put that at the bottom you have to heal the body first is that what I'm doing engage in a process because this is long term we don't make one change again overnight and our body is a decade's long time I mean I've been on the healing journey for some time and I'm still releasing areas of inflammation that I'm carrying in my body my digestive my digestion is still working its way out from a lifetime of digestive issues related to mouth yes yeah so and I'm yours it you know it got significantly better you know and along the way but start by healing the body and definitely if you're out there and you're listening and you have a nervous system dysregulation if you always feel on edge and in that fight-or-flight if you've heard that you have adrenal fatigue now we have a medical diagnosis for it you need to be adding some version of whether it's breath work or some version of nervous system regulation because that's going to give you the balance or some foundation to then be able to dive in and create deeper change okay so the bottom of the pyramid is the body the body look at the choices you're making around your lifestyle how you care for your body is there anything that you can add change decrease and also look at your nervous system and build I do a daily practice of breath work still and I will always do it I just think it's a no-brainer I think there's so many apps and programs and experts out there teaching it because it works it's helping it's powerful and people have been doing meditation and presberg for thousands of years because it keeps them grounded centered calm and not in a stressful environment I definitely recommend practicing it so the bodies first and then what's after that so moving up then to the mind the minds developing consciousness creating for a lot of us it means it means it means creating the distance from our thoughts based in the reality that none of us are our thoughts hmm we believe we are we believe are our thoughts we believe are the story that we've told ourselves about who we are right when I went who are earlier when you're talking as we are all right this is my narrative that's all created it's all created from our past conditioning so even though who we think we are is not the who that we are those are patterns of thinking in our head those are stories that our ego is it's all day long about who we are compared to who other people are who we are is the awareness that sits behind our thoughts so this is what the this kind of tier of thinking mind work is to first create that separation I suggest doing it in a in a meditation practice our goal is to do it all day long but when we're sitting and we're quiet even if we're meditating for one minute which is definitely the amount of minutes that I suggest a new meditator do you meditate for because it's a long time this is difficult for some of us it's the first time we're tuning in so internal world it's not always comfortable in there a lot of us like to run away from it a lot of us spend a lot of our day running away from it so once we learn how to observe our thoughts so by closing our eyes by sitting in a quiet room thoughts are gonna calm that gives you the first experience of being separate because who's watching them you're who's watching them the goal though is to build the bridge and to do that all day long but it doesn't come overnight once we become an observer of our thoughts throughout our day then we get to do the deeper work that I'm always talking about of the ego and the inner child because you're gonna start to see the very repetitive patterns in your thinking that are causing you to then have very repetitive consistent feelings in your body which are physiological that's why they're real - when we're stuck in consistent feelings you know it feels very invalidating to have people to say do well just stop feeling like that alright I can't because

been I've been wanting to blame myself as doing that to people in the past it was not until you really like go through this process you can start to have empathy and compassion for everyone's journey yeah quite literally some we get stuck in feelings feelings are physiological events in our body they become familiar so my story about me in fight-or-flight my most frequently frequently visit emotion with stress was chaos everyday it's all I knew so how long at all how old probably until 37 else oh not very in the distant past I just lived in chaos if you would be talking to me Louis I would say all I wasn't I'm I'm a hippie at heart I just want to throw peace on peace and freedom that's all I want right but the second I would find myself what could have been experience as a moment of peace or freedom maybe I'm sitting quietly somewhere that was so uncomfortable trustful video really it was just it was uncomfortable my body register is unfamiliar you're not used to this so then if no one was around I would start to worry about the thing yesterday that happened or maybe tomorrow right so now I'm creating a change in my body because the more I think a stressful thought the more I release stress hormones right and now I'm having my body's back into that zone of comfort it loves being stressed that's what it knows right person was around me this is where it gets really fun and complicated bringing our relationships into the picture if a person was around me watch out because before I know it if I was in that unfamiliar peaceful space I might agitate the situation before you know what I might be picking a bit of a fight with my partner or whoever's around what are you doing this why this increase the stress back to my zone of comfort that's how I'm used to feeling so that's back to that concept of stock we're stuck because we're subconsciously stuck in our familiarize comfort zone even though that's not the police that's one of the behaviors those aren't the thoughts there's not the ways that we're gonna feel to get us the life that we want but that's what's familiar okay so the more you practice self observation the more you get to see yourself living the also very uncomfortable this is uncomfortable work and you get to reflect and say okay you know on a scale of one to ten how traumatic was that feeling all day or how stressed out was I was an eight all day okay why were you in aids what's allowing you to stay at an aids why are you still Annie why do you stay there what's what's the payoff right what's the price you're paying and what's the payoff you're getting by being at that level what would it take for you to drop at two points or whatever this is how I think what do you imagine what's happen if you dropped it yes well could you create in your life also negative how'd you relationship some of us get caught in a negative feeling as counter to of those counterintuitive as this might sound in fear of what life would be like without right fear of the good things happening it's very complicated why are so many people afraid of more good things happening to them do they think they're not worthy or deserving of it what did you ask me when we first started right what is the trauma the most prolific trauma not being Sene or further off feeling enough as a child Wow so if we have a deep-rooted feeling of not enough or not worthy those are the two frequent iterations actually airings come to us why should they come to us and it doesn't matter if logically you really want that good thing if subconsciously you're an unworthy human being you're not going to get it that's why when people get it they'll sabotage it and I'll lose it right yes so how do we come to a place of worthiness of truly feeling and knowing we are enough and we are deserving of goodness in our life how do we get to that place I usually do in a two-fold process because I think the first layer of the process is observing all the times you're telling yourself you're not enough

all day and stop in that [ __ ] meaning you can't stop it I'm joking when I say that because you can't stop observe it observe it your subconscious is gonna give you that language whatever it is you know we all have different languages that we love to diminish our self around so whatever it is the thing that you're you're a loser you're not worthy whatever your language is place not that four places yeah but you can't stop that so I want to just acknowledge that or this is another moment we could become very shameful frustrated and tell us the works not work why is this still here I know it's there turn it off nope so I observe it being there yeah but I don't you said something important I don't spend that much time in yeah so what mom would still who wants subconsciously this is why I'm gonna stay to fact feelings have an end they commonly go you know depending on who you read or you know how many seconds it is or minutes it is or you know they come and they go we do not allow them to go because I say we bring them up to our mental world and what are those gymnastics for it so if you then repeat so if that thing happens in your environment your subconscious offers you that the reason that that thing happened is because you're a loser right which it probably still will do mmm-hmm you can still show up conscious they say oh you know thank you subconscious thank you for reminding me of that but I'm not gonna that's not how I am that's not who I am so I can now remove my attention put it anywhere else what am i doing maybe I put my attention or my breath just get out of that script stop repeating it to yourself to simplify it because the difference between it going so using your language of changing the script or just removing your attention from your thinking mind yourself in your body reveal the room you're in do those deep belly breaths go for a walk and pay attention to your legs walking as simple as that sounds get out of your mind because the more time you spend repeating I'm a loser I'm a loser I'm a loser now you are gonna carry that feeling you are that home you might carry it in the next week some of us have lived in the past of feelings that have originated decades ago because we're repeating it so we're telling us that story and because then the more we do that the more we scan our environment for more and more evidence so if I something news there happened to me at lunch I'm probably gonna find the loser thing that happened to me at dinner and right before bed and again I can really start a snowball rolling down a mountain and not a helpful way the first thing is observe it observe it what's the next thing remove the focus from it remove focus okay without judgment let me add that part in there that's correct this is where we get really judgmental of course and beat up now we're a loser create a loser thought you know what I mean mmm okay it was there anything out of the two steps are two steps and then remember move focus without judgment and then this is where affirmation work can happen all right if we want to start so that to replace my first we want to diminish the increase I mean decrease the amount of time and the fallout of negative thinking that a lot of us have been over practiced and then we can become impactful if you are someone who like I mean affirmations what they are simply a new thought so then if you do start to practice telling yourself that I am worthy that might have it you might have a chance overtime of actually believing that and then you might have a chance overtime of actually seeing instances in your environment of your worthiness yes but that doesn't work and this is why in my opinion affirmation works affirmation work in it of itself it's kind of called woowoo and a lot of people become frustrated and it doesn't work and it won't because if you do maybe you have a morning routine where you tell yourself some beautiful affirmations if for the rest of your day as a lot of us are you're back

in your subconscious and you're not practicing consciousness the rest of the day your subconscious may be reminding you of how not worthy you are and that's why I don't think affirmations are as successful as they can be so until you start to remove that focus all day long and just be consciously present to what is happening without judgment then you can start to give yourself a chance at believing over time that I am worthy or whatever it is let's refer to believe of your love that you got the body the next step the mind what's after the mo so once we understand so once you've done a significant amount of time observing yourself now you really can dive into the world so like the the the deepest tip if you will over the work is the whole world of the inner child of the ego that we're carrying with us that are coloring our experiences in our environment but you can't do that work as a lot of us want to do until you have these other tools really until you take care of your physical needs the body until you help with breath work meditation calming the body relaxing the body then observing yourself your thoughts why your reactive why things are stressful for you you can't heal the inner child or the ego until you do those first two things why is that well you won't first and foremost you won't be able to see it happen to stress your two because you go I say you unconscious back to our examples right of our arguments I'm unconsciously living in my past in that moment so you can't really see to be observational you need to be there and you're in your content you can't see what's happening you only see the reality at your time what you're feeling you're just feeling in it so I'm upset that you hurt me I'm upset too yes what have you mean right you're not actually observing what happened and what the story told yourself was about the dish go back to that example that led you to be so incensed the dish did nothing in this in this example right the dish is just a dish on a table but but one you saw that dish you said something to yourself you rehearse that you went through some filter that then colored how you're feeling and then what happened next I mean they're abusing me there until you show up consciously in practice seeing observing that you have no idea you actually think that dish was the problem right you're so stuck in it you're unconscious to it so can't be done until you start to develop that distance and that space that I'm talking because even when you're doing the ego work and the inner child work those reactions are still there alive for you so if you don't have that space you're gonna continue to choose those old reactions so as you practice consciousness that's what gives you that space so they can be here and be happening in your world in your subconscious world and you can still be online and making the choices not allowing them to make the choices this alone this part of the same you just could transform so many people's lives just by understanding the process because I think a lot of us try to just do breath work and think we're gonna get healed just think about our ego and healing trauma well the inner child work but you need to do it's like the process is so much clearer and I know you're gonna be writing about this in your book which I'm excited about but this process alone is gonna change a lot of life so I'm very grateful were going through this is there another step to this pyramid of healing or is it the body mind and well then I would ask you to draw a big circle around it and say in repeat for life okay just like a final that's the final piece and that's I joke when I say that wholeheartedly because just as much as I don't know where to start on I want to just work on one thing a lot of people myself included want to hear when the end happens whatever just dunk never done yeah the healing journey is a lifelong journey until the day you die problem and just as much right if you do all this work and you get to

this great place if you stop making these choices if you let your body fall into disarray you're right back into the dysregulated state before you know it right if you stop being conscious before you know what you truly do some others like maybe it's different narratives or different habits that you're now living but you're still living in an unconscious state what is the practice every day then breath work / meditation prayer and then what would the practice be on observing self thoughts in the mind is it kind of just an all-day practice yeah so what I do is never starving so what I do is I show up and I do meditation every day just in a contained way just to keep I mean it's a mental exercise so that I can carry that then practice throughout my day so I I don't know not everyone has to have a structured meditation practice I just think it's helpful you know to have that consistency every day right and to remind myself okay this is what you're you're about Nicole you're not those thoughts that are so some days my brain is much louder than other days all day long depending on what's happening sometimes I have resources to make new choices you know that I want to make in some days I don't I fall right back if I'm tired if I'm hormonal you know sometimes I still react in those old ways so I keep a consistent daily practice as that mental training I said I start my day in peace and then I practice all day long I try to be as conscious as possible I've now learned remember I am someone who I just said a couple minutes ago I spent my whole day dissociated I was on my spaceship so this took me a long time to cultivate the ability to be present in my body and in my moments throughout my day so this did not come overnight and so all day long then it became a practice of I learned to distinguish between when I'm not present I learned how it feels in my body or am I in my interaction it's like I can tell when I'm like somewhere else now cuz everything feels a little fuzzy I feel it more distance I maybe can't feel ground into my body and I can tell when I'm here obviously then I try to make the decision or more all occasions to bring myself back into that conscious state back into that presence so then I do that all day yes and then as I'm journey about my day I am gifted with teachers of triggers you know meaning I you know tell myself stories and I can be observational than in those pivotal moments okay why did this thing that this random stranger said or did to me become so upsetting and then I can start to uncover oh this is my ego still you know telling me this story about myself or oh this is my wounded child who really just wants to be seen in this moment right so it's then it becomes a varied you know experience on the daily but once you're conscious then you can begin to navigate your daily life in a new way what's your biggest trigger not feeling considered by far sooner considered that goes back to that little child who didn't feel considered in the being that I was I was I was rewarded historically over the course of my life for my accomplishments for what I did not for who I was hmm so considered for some reason that's the word that I was for being yeah yeah that's a word that always for whatever reason got attached to that lack of that feeling that childhood wound that comes up now and that's what I'll see myself saying oh my partner didn't consider me in doing this oh this person didn't consider to me when this considerate when they were yeah yeah actually on my way here I should tell you this morning my partner tried to have a conversation with me that I did not want to have and my first thought was she didn't consider what my day looks like today instead of you know and that wasn't true she absolutely knew what my day was like today you know she wanted to have a conversation and I can be flexible and I can just as much say I would like to not have that conversation today because of what my day looks but my first instinct

and still there why should going here know something there's a first thing my subconscious assigned to that I've done a lot of work on that nail so I now know that's not true but I share that as an example after having done a lot of work it's still there I didn't scream I didn't yell you know I was able to you know I mean school greatness don't mess with my morning take a few rest and come back and we were okay but it's still there but that's my core one that's one of my core some ones that comes up and you'd be surprised or maybe not I can make everything an example of me not being concise didn't have a bigger classroom here you do have issues isn't it crazy the stories we can tell ourselves what we're not being seen for considered for enough for or yeah well part of it too and this is where we can also become flexible in our relationships just to keep going back to this when I have such a I've obviously defined the ways in which I accept consideration right which are probably gonna be different it is back to that love languages I'm sure a lot of listeners and now heard about love languages right so I've subconsciously come up with the things that work for me to feel considered that however might be excluding a lot of the things that my partner does do every day that are considering of me considerate that you don't see them because they're not in my equation of consideration so that allows a level of flexibility to you know if I can open up and maybe explore other ways that she very much more authentically to herself is able to consider me I can let that in know so that's another version of flexibility that can happen in a relationship because we all lead in a lot of ways with subjectively what works for us and then we assume the person to be I'll meet to that need exactly the way it works for us and that's not realistic and not always healthy cuz now I I mean can you indirectly in someway or implicitly to change who you are and it's not enough of what you're doing for me yeah and it could be me leaving you feeling minimizing and validate yourself because you could think you're doing this and you likely are but I'm not seeing it I mean this is real life for so many people I always had a stare Perella on last week and we were talking about like the expectations we have for our partner is to be like all things to us at all times you know romantic all the time sexual considerate hmm you know taking care of all these different needs and responsibilities for what we need for what I want for all these things and she was saying like we have such high expectations that we're always going to be unhappy unless we start to change the expectation and start to really adapt in the way you're talking about here I think it's so important to think about where it comes from developmentally a time or place for as humans we actually did need someone to be everything for us I mean when we're born developmentally we are and we are not able to care we are the one species that it cannot care for ourselves so that that need at an infancy time Israel you you are completely dependent having all your needs met on one or two or whomever caregivers of many sort whoever that might be so developmentally though we have to learn how to internalize that process and meet our own needs and a lot of us just don't cuz we didn't have the models to teach us how because our parents weren't doing that yeah I know how do you forgive parents when I know you're publicly have talked about what's the grading boundaries is it boundaries or what's the thing you say yeah you've created a boundary don't speak I have no contact now you have no contact now it's been I think a year or two years or something yeah how do as kids how do we forgive our parents even if what they did was the best they could do or maybe they didn't do such a good job how do we give them either way I mean learned to do that process so that it doesn't keep hurting us I think forgiveness comes when we're able

to empathize or understand sometimes that does come it can only come with distance if we're living in the situation it can be harder to breathe the distance to do this but a lot of times as we age as we just develop physically separate families I'm voting right we can look back and as we gain our own maturity in our own experience in relationship that helps inform the ability to empathize which just means to understand you know from another perspective why or what might have been influencing the choices or the reactions that you may be experienced with in the relationship with them right so once we can understand I think that allows a certain level of forgiveness I think once we're also able to in the process of understanding let me word it this way often what we find is that it was never really about us us us right it was about their own yes their own traumas their own abilities again as a kid we're in what is called egocentric mind our that we develop brain functioning for this way kind of it evolves over time we don't just get all of the abilities that we have and how self-aware or five years old yeah and we go through a very critical developmental age range where we cannot empathize we cannot see a perspective outside of our own everything is happening for us because of us to us that is it it's part of the center of the world we are quite literally and their cognitive Li can't see otherwise okay so that's really problematic because when a bad thing is inflicted upon us by our caregivers we cannot help but assume it's because we're not worthy not good enough what have you all right we cannot do differently but once we've developed a maturity and aged out of that and maybe we do perspective perspective now maybe we can deep personalize it we can see that okay even if it's egregious and who's right we might be able to even trace back you know what had happened to that caregiver that result doesn't okay it when I have these conversations a lot the response I get around boundaries too right is well this your okaying abuse or your okay no it's an end situation I can empathize I can do personalized I can come to the understanding that it's not me and I still might choose to put a boundary within this relationship I still might choose to do whatever I want to choose to do it becomes ad because I can understand this is where I used to struggle a lot cuz I have a in and I have a crazy capacity to understand people and to understand why people do what they do to the extent that I would invalidate my experience of them for so long and then allow them to do what they want to do around me or to me my whole life right so not helpful so I had to evolve into that and I can understand their boundaries and this doesn't work for me and I'm break up with you so my life is gonna now be over here you know and so I say that because empathizing understanding deep personalizing still can allow you to create important boundaries so even if you're able to forgive your parents or whoever we're talking about here doesn't mean that you have to accept them as an active relationship in your life so I feel very forgiving of my family I've always understood why and how these patterns have been put in place and translated and why I've had the experience is within that family structure that I have I'm if you will forgiving of them right and I'm choosing not to have a relationship because for me for now and where they're at with what my choice initially was to step away from the relationship we it just isn't happening in this moment I don't know will be is it because it's too triggering for you when you're around them or you just don't feel you're in a good space in terms of connecting with them again yeah if you wanted it like hang out in for the weekend is it just too triggering for you so in the beginning it was the reason I went full no contact if you try to be because of their the family structure the lack of boundaries tune into last episode I talk all about

it yes that you know being the case and it being triggering so for me to get that stability in my healing I have tried to reengage contact with them now on one occasion I recently actually just sent them a letter to let them know that I'm living out here and it has been met with oh I guess three occasions because I recently sent my nephew a card that was also returned so in little messages trickling my way that they're maybe not interested right now in pursuing that open door yeah so it's not about necessarily I don't know how I would feel in front of them that would be interesting for me now if we were able to find a way back to some sort of person-to-person interaction with one or all of the family member that would be really awesome videotape dad see you know if at some point there becomes you know a reconnection but I have tried and it just seems like the door is is closed on there and I'm sure they're angry yeah of course I can even understand and forgive that yeah of course you know I I know that they daughter does they don't understand of course and I can't expect them to understand Wow okay there is see why am i there any loose ends here we've got the healing journey pyramid trauma stored in the body that's some good stuff right now but I have how to feel enough three steps there that's great I think cuz most people talk about affirmations but it's not enough until you the first two steps yes I love this there's three doing some research on your Instagram lately and there's three posts that essentially did you know three to four times more engagement and comments and reactions and all the other stuff and I wanted to kind of dive into three of these things because I think it'd be really powerful since people need this right now one is how to say no without apologizing I think as a people-pleaser myself from the past and still recovering people please there it's been really hard to say learning to say no over the last few years but I'm getting better and better at it without feeling like I'm letting someone down or someone's gonna be upset with me as a kid who never had friends growing up it's always like I don't want to ruffle the feathers of the friends that I had and so I have to learn how to be like if they're upset and they don't understand there's nothing I can do and I'm giving them my best so how do we say no without apologizing yeah it's hard this is really grounded Louis and a lot you go out of us I mean I totally resonate with people pleasing I've been calling it an epidemic of codependency back to right this childhood where if we're not enough what we do were very adaptive yeah so what most of us do is similar to what you did right with your friends not having much friends you know you became so attuned to whatever you want for the funds that you have to keep those relationships right we do that within our caregiving units our family structures we we find a way to keep the things that we need which are connections with other humans love from another human we are we are interpersonal species that is it we actually need to be bonded together like I said earlier out of developmental necessity and then just generally in life I mean think back to evolutionary days and tribes and there's very real research out there now it the de coeur the stress goes down we are interconnected with other humans aside from the division of labor oh you can help relieve the stress of my objective life just the the emotions and we actually release oxytocin when were connected to another human we need those hormones so we need to be connected so we get very adaptive and we find the ways so if we've developed an in a household right where we're not seen as a separate entity and able to develop connections and relationships with other separate entities in our in our family again I talked a lot about Animesh codependent family in our last talk that's what I've come from we get very externally oriented as what I say right I start to become

so attuned to the outside world so that I can manage how I feel by showing up to friendships or doing the thing or answering the phone call by not saying no so once we come to that realization and we want and we understand the impact that always being available has on ourselves and on our relationship and it hurts our relationship it does because relation with ourselves - yes and what happens I was sadly over time if I always say yes to you and I'm even if I mean no before I know it I don't like you I'm not upset like why are you sitting before you answer yes like not really liking you rejecting the fact that you see me as you but I'm really upset if I really look down at it it's I needed to start saying no how the hell would you know I mean we like to believe that other humans especially when they're our partners are mind reader's we love this idea that people seem right but we're talk about you just all you're never gonna have the same reality is another person so we like that idea so we we say the yeses we and then we get upset at the person so it really is damaging of our relationships and I know I lived the hard way I had to learn how to say no my go-to is not necessarily know with it with an apology I liked apologies I peppered those in my preference was Noah think excuse with the why here's why I can't I need it to validate the reason I was disappointing someone with this belief that it wasn't enough just to not to want to or to feel like it or just to be somewhere else in any given moment so how do we say no without an excuse for an apology then yeah practice I mean it's hard you know it's very very difficult first and foremost it's accepting the reality that you're you have ever you're welcome to say no you're allowed to say no and that's saying no doesn't diminish who you are or the relationship again this is the deeper this is an evolution of work we don't just turn off you know the the belief that I have to say no to maintain these friendships we don't just overnight come by a new belief right so we can practice and I suggest practicing I say look around the periphery right start to say no so what this looked like for me I started to put up boundaries or just say my nose in my professional world where it felt a little easier right so some requests that would come in and from people that I maybe didn't really know it would feel and it's virtual so I can even send an email through my phone which has happened before and run away and come back later you know what I mean so easier for me so I practice there before I practice may be saying no with my immediate family or my partner there's gonna be some sin there might be some relationships that are it might be even easier maybe you do have that one friend that is like casual about it you know you're gonna find the moments of practice but the theme for tonight you have to practice yeah because it's gonna be really hard when you're faced with that saying that no and what's gonna happen is everything that happens in your mind that prevented you from saying that no for however many years you have not said that no it's gonna happen in your mind the second you won't first of all before you say they no trying to convince you out of saying you know so before you know what you're saying yes again right this is where consciously you know you have to say no no pure at the end or no whatever you want to deliver the message being and then on the backside once it's delivered your mind is gonna try to convince you out of that no still oh you're terrible oh this person is gonna hate you oh it's been two hours if they respond it clearly it's the relationship is over right now the work is still on you don't spend time in that thought just like we were talking earlier I'll get the hell out of there but don't expect it not to be there I call them the feel bad the feel bad have haunted me around every boundary I've said set for quite a long time before they diminish and they still are there

every now and again I still find myself feeling bad almost into saying yes maybe I'm even feeling bad once I've said - no but I'm like carrying that but I get to choose how long do I want to live in this feel bad it's not good yeah and a really cool thing happens as you practice you start to learn and see sometimes you do get that feared response sometimes exactly what you imagined would happen that's not positive it does I got that a lot from my family not all the time so if you focus on the moments where the thing that you feared most didn't happen that relationship didn't end those friends still were around and they asked you to come to the movies next weekend that's what I urge you to pay attention to because that's gonna help you keep saying the nose and helping you shift out of the pattern I think if you know it's not the end of the world if someone reacts in a negative way to your no because you think it's so upset that you can unless it's like something so like my wedding or whatever you've told them months in advance or you've given them time like it all depends on the situation but if it's a friend who just like gets upset because you're busy one weekend for whatever reason then is that a great relation to a couple of things that you said on how to say no without apologizing you said a couple responses would be I won't be able to make it and I'm grateful you invited me you're not apologizing thank you for the invite you don't have a reason why mm-hmm you also said that sounds amazing it's just not something I could commit to you right now so simple solutions you can use without having to say I'm sorry I'm not gonna make it I wish I could you know things like that so I really like that how to say no without apologizing or explaining yourself this is another one you posted about relationships but I think is really empower phul now I was in a long-distance relationship for a year and the relationship moved in and things have become more let's say normalized right it wasn't every other weekend where I'm going to visit if she's week visiting and this incredible experience every weekend we still have amazing experiences put it more on each all time and you said this was I think you said I called it normal things in relationships you said feeling bored or unsettled being triggered consistently mourning the loss of single life which I felt that before and needing a loan time because I think it wasn't we getting a relationship that's normal you're rounding to their lot you think you need space right what it why is this such a powerful post that you think that you shared so many messages in response to that post of gratitude of thank you okay I've got people I talk about this with my partner my husband and we're so grateful you make us feel normal we were really worried not like her about she was about no thank you we're feeling these things and we now know that it's okay to feel these things some of it I think I mean first of all the conversation we're having today mostly right some most of it is around the relationships that we were modeled and the relationship that we were in at a young age right so that becomes our model for what relationships should be not all the times of course are we given the healthiest models the relationship you're seeing happen and the relationships were experiencing with caregivers around us appears around us again they're basin conditioning that for most of us intergenerationally transmitted by caregivers and people who are struck you know in their own world with their own issues right so not always a healthiest so I think that's a big part of it you know people just aren't modeled the healthiest type of relationships you know I think that's a big part and there's also like the Disneyfication I think I know but it's like this Disneyland that's another level of message to be like that all the time it's not that way it's also you get to create intimacy passion love like you also in my opinion you shouldn't

make it boring all the time like you get to bring the energy you get to bring the love you get to be creative and care and I think powerful relationships are ones that have caring and creativity I think I heard Tony Robbins talk about that where it's like if you just have a little bit of creativity you can create that spark all the time and if you just show you care it does not to be this grand Disneyfication gesture but just creativity and caring and des will make someone feel seen now is appreciated and enough the thing that is our biggest trauma for most of us right so anyways I love that that post and the last post that I saw that was for whatever reason went crazy he's talking about childhood trauma and what childhood trauma also is which is not just physical or sexual abuse but other types of childhood trauma you said a parent denying your reality which is I think a big trial for people that gets overlooked a parent living vicariously through their child maybe you know the soccer mom or dad or whatever that's always there at the events trying to hype them up because they never got that experience and just not being seen or heard that is trauma for child for children without a trauma is there anything else you want to add to that or I mean that why that's so big for people so so much that could be could be experiences traumatizing in our earliest relationships I you picking up on the denial of reality one I think that's a real again have really met a minimum of people who haven't had that version of experience because reality is subjective so to have a caregiver be able to step out of what their perception of an event was to acknowledge your own takes this level of consciousness that we're talking about and personally I know I was not raised by two conscious human so they were not able to gift me with that so how do you how do you speak to a child who's seven who doesn't have the perception yet who doesn't have the ability to see their own thoughts and observe their own thoughts when you saw an experience happen and you're like calm and relaxed and they're going through stress and chaos how do you communicate to a child about their reality without being like just grow up you know here's what happened it's not that big a deal how do you actually speak to someone in that situation then who has a chaotic reality or stressful reality ask them I can start with as simple as asking them parents I think we'd with telling their kid it and they cut it off or they assume why they think their kid is reacting instead of saying Johnny what is going on you look upset what's happening for you right now you know what's going on for you are you feeling in your body you know what are you feeling like you want to do now just like asking I mean I think that's a really simplified answer instead of just assuming and this happens to I was sharing with my part of the other day one of the most impactful gifts or lessons that I was taught by a supervisor clinically very early on was she pointed out to me that the importance of inquiring especially around concepts that are quite universal so for example I've known anxiety like I've been saying my whole life that's all I know just so happens a lot of people that come into my treatment room or my old office have anxiety right so Lois was bring sure and say I'm anxious oh okay and I could do one of two things I could assume that when I hear you say anxiety well my brain is going to do let me put it this way it's going to a suit is going to overlay my tea my anxiety so I'm going to assume that what you mean my anxiety is exactly how I experience it I'm always on edge I feel irritable sometimes I panic wait I'm gonna make your version of anxiety exactly what vayan is or I could ask so the supervisor really and emphasize the value of not assuming you know even if it's something that you've lived especially when it's something you live ask what that person means okay Lois so anxiety anxiety feels different

for everyone what so Johnny little kid Johnny right you know times like I'm nervous and you know okay Johnny tell me what nervous is for you what's going on for you right now what is making even if you think you know what made Johnny nervous ask Johnny you might be surprised that that's not what made Johnny nervous at all he made up some other story about what happened that's what made him nervous so asking is I think the most within with children with anyone really the most pivotal thing that you could ask any listening with an open mind asking and listening and then containing this is where it's really hard not how you feel about what you're hearing not trying to coach or teacher yeah and not trying to remove the discomfort that you're feeling if Johnny does share something with you that I'm not a parent I'm not going to be a parent so I cannot really I can't empathize with how it must feel when a child that you've born right is happy to feel helpless I can't yeah so that's gonna happen on top of what a million other feelings and as a parent in that moment unfortunately right obviously that's all happening over here they need to learn how to contain that so I can save the space to here and help Johnny because what we do understandably is I don't like how I feel so now I tell Johnny that's not what it was Johnny stop it you're fine anything on and that's not helpful to Johnny so it's that was my childhood my dad saying you're fine with everything yeah he was like nah man pain oh you're fine tall tales which like I was saying we all are traumatized humans raising humans I mean there's no way we don't have to be shameful parents listening moment to feel shameful I get a lot of parents who want the guide book now and how to not [ __ ] up their kids and I'm always a pair of the bad news that you're going to there's gonna be something that's gonna happen here and that's okay if you teach your child resilience and how to process their own feelings yeah they could actually come out the other side a much more resilient human being you know and and things are gonna happen we're humans raising humans that's why intergenerationally there is we're at that point in like I said the collective evolution that we all need to change do you feel like we're as humans more messed up now than ever I feel like the word mental health and the industry of self-help and the industry of therapy is just so much more talked about and bigger now than it was before is it because we're more messed up now or is it because we've always been messed up and now we're just finally using the tools or starting to learn about the tools and talking about it more I think in some ways lifestyle choices that are now being made quite universally are resulting in back to our pyramid physiological dis regulations that are causing symptoms which choices are the I think our food system I think the amount that we're moving or not moving the whole sedentary city life I mean I you know we're in a very big building sitting here filming you know this is unnatural for us humans is actually quite stressful even though I feel very common for a commenter this is actually quite stressful for us humans so even the movement into city is you know it's a stress we have to understand this so there's there's a lot I do believe that shift it just in terms of humanity that is causing symptoms a lack of a major rest you know if you will lack their own so the connection yeah I also think that we're at a very beautiful time for Humanity where we're awakening and we're actually moving toward healing at such a fast rate that I don't see it as we're going to hell in a handbasket and things are just becoming more [ __ ] up or we got me more messed up I actually think we're on the brink of incredible growth an incredible evolution so I think it's that and again but I do think that yeah just the humanity there's a lot of just environments that we're living in that are causing a lot of stress on our systems

what's the thing we need most no matter where we're at in our stage of healing journey what do we need to think about and remind ourselves the most every single day I'm connecting to ourselves coming back coming back home going inward reminding you that there is a self behind it all that you might feel very disconnected from but that's worth getting to know that makes all of this work I'm worth it right as a therapist doing this work what's your biggest fear moving forward with the amount of attention that you've gained in the last year or two years and the amount of attention here to continue to gain do you have any fears around that do any fears of like anything yeah I think securities or yes so this beautifully full circle all right back that little girl who was never considered who desperately wanted to be seen and considered it's one of the most challenging things for me to do and show up for so this has been the case before you know growth I mean this has been the case with 1,000 followers this has been the case the first time I got on camera this has been the case when I hit a million so this will I'm sure the numbers exponentially grow and as I start to do maybe like speak like things where I can see now the people more visually although I have done the googling of numbers of spook myself a book Wow there's that many people in my community right now I've stopped doing that now it's gotten out of hand but a little buffer virtually so I think as I put myself more in front of the people and as I start to kind of conquer ties little girl wants to run for the hills and she's still there when she considers it yeah I mean I'm often joking that I'm getting on the next airplane out of here like holistic but that's that little girl I understand what that is now I don't have to take that to mean anything other than that little girl it's just so unfamiliar being seen so so vulnerably being impacting other people because I'm being seen so long that's that's another reason the impact cuz I'm just being me and putting authentic me out there and I'm being seen and as much as I desperately want that that's scary is uncomfortable so it's not a fear it's more just a discomfort that is is and has always been there when do you feel the most loved when are you considered the way you want to be considered right yeah what makes you feel most considered no feeling uh when someone reflects something that I think I can identify is like uniquely me or me back to me whether or not it's through a gesture whether or not it's because they actually heard what I said I mean this sounds really simplistic but listening in a reflective way where I'm like actually hearing what you're saying as opposed to formulating my response or going down the journey of what Association my mind brought up when you said the thing that's a skill and that's hard and we have to practice doing that so when someone offers me that when I feel like someone is truly present as you even have been this you know interview to me and you're hearing me and you're reflecting back what you heard me say that makes me feel considered huh cuz you heard me something that I said that was uniquely Mayan and you heard it it calls to be a gesture you know where someone like does something that like it's helpful to me makes me feel seen cared for loved for who I am I like that okay so just listening and reflecting back when you feel the most low yeah when you're present and like you just heard me and got me in that moment it could just be a micro moment but I was a human and you were a human and we just had a connection no that's cool and that's what I didn't really feel like I had growing up and that's what makes me feel loved what about when your partner was the thing that she does that makes me feel most loved besides that I think anytime she's present to me fully I think presence is very loving thing that is this presence and it's hard to tell but it's you know so any moment where I feel like

she and it could just be a moment but when I feel like she's we both have a lot going on there's a lot of moments where we're not fully present or at me to where she's talking to something I'm like oh this other thing I have to tell you about you know you know just because a business wise or whatever you know there's just so many places our attention can be so sometimes it's micro moments sometimes it's time we you know consciously carve out to be off our phone and just be us but I think presence is incredibly loving and it's not a gift that we give or it's not the way we love a lot of people or a lot of relationships because we're not practicing it ourselves so before I can be present here with you I have learned how to be present in my own body because once I enter a room now your Energy's here I could be responding to what you're saying I could bonding to what you're doing you know so now I have to learn how to maintain my presence with an external factor that is another human so if I didn't back to this conversation if I didn't practice outside of here the second I come into interact with someone else I could go back into that dissociated state yes that lack of presence so it's much harder then it's much easier said than done but if you can practice presence I think you can give a true gift of love to all of your relationships it's not easy but it's a simple concept simple that's it if you guys want to hear more fill this in our last interview we did together you shared your three truths there your definition of greatness as well so when I ask you that again here now maybe next time I'll ask you to see what's change maybe I'll change how can we support you right now you've got your Instagram you've got your membership where can we go to find everything yeah everything is the dot holistic not psychologist that's the mean of all things Instagram speaking of the membership April 1st you'll probably hear me talk about it next week online I'm going to open up a new launch period for the virtual self healer circle so we've already had the founding members they're all nice and settled in so we're gonna open up another another group for enrollment so I'm super excited let me win every month so every month what that looks like is there's a different topic of healing so members who will join in April will have access to all of the topics that the founding member group has already worked through everything is packaged in a month module meaning we're gonna focus on one area healing and that month we're gonna work for that one area so it can be very much a design your own journey a self-directed pace for people but every month as a full group we address one topic of healing you get worksheets you get PDFs you get a virtual training an hour with myself or other experts that have very generously gifted us with their time you get a month or an hour QA live with me on that topic where I come on I answer everyone's questions live about how they're doing the work or what they could tweak I put guided meditations in there I have a playlist in there a book club so it's really a contained healing experience where we can capitalize on connecting with other people so groups of us all around the world at this point so anyone is interested check out my Instagram you'll definitely hear me talking about it on there there is a website up or I have a waitlist so everyone will get blasted out the link on the first so that's exciting because that's right around the corner and that's gonna allow another whole group of people and healers in there to begin to start doing the work I'm super excited you also have a texting platform where you text out update yeah the text that's on your Instagram yeah everything the Instagram is a hub there's a link tree there I have some free goodies that come out if you sign up for my email list future self journaling so it's amazing everything runs you know I'm a journal yet - not yet not yet but that's what I'm actually it's

funny to say that was in the process this morning of doing some tweaks on the old journal prompts I think when I release a new edition and maybe the journal boy I like it it's amazing I'm gonna acknowledge you again for for being here for showing up for teaching us so much I think your traumas and learning and going through it allows us to heal through our traumas and you by you sharing what you're learning and the practice is for me this is it's a book this interview is a book in itself that we could print off and give to people so I'm excited they dive into this more and it's going to help heal a lot of people and I'm just really grateful for the work you do and you know as your wisdom your the ability to connect to your inner child and really you know have a deeper conversation and share with us how we can do that I think it's really powerful so I appreciate you I'm grateful for you and you're also speaking at summit of greatness so September 10 through 12 you'll be speaking there come out see my little child shake on stage amazing yeah make sure you guys check it out if Corona hasn't taken over by then hopefully it's all settled in the next two months summit of greatness calm you can check that out yeah thank you so much thank you Louis I mean you you've been an inspiration to me beyond just from your personal journey your professional journey so I'm indebted with gratitude every time you have a conversation course we'll do it again soon Garza's love it I'll be here amazing thank you amazing that's great thank you so much for watching this video and if you're looking for more greediest in your life and check out this next video right here when I have to work until 8 o'clock at night because I have to be the best person at my job I'm really hearing the voice of my mother who said you're never gonna amount to anything you're just dirt you are carrying that around with you ...

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h20 · 6 years ago

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growing up in an extremely volatile anti-therapy (and medical care/attention in general) environment to be this adult who DESPERATELY CRAVES AND FANTASIZES ABOUT THE PROCESS OF BREAKING DOWN OUR WALLS AND OPENING UP TO a therapist one day in an extremely calculated and planned order. we know what we would start wth and how we would compartmentalize things and reveal things in a timely fashion while reinforcing our need at the end that we didn’t need therapy all along! like we say this rigjt & then we go to sit across from someone to access feelings or events or whatever the fuck goes on in therapy cause we NEVER HAD APPROPRIATE THERAPY and we just

#yall (family) fucked us up #we were in therapywhen we werw like 12-14 but we stopped going cause mom beat us into hating therapy and everything it was and woud have #screaming matches in FRONT of me with my doctors CPS was contacted Obviously but what good do they do lmao #& then our last therapist disclosed wat we said to my ? Dads mother? Who she just knew as another old lady snd wanted to gossip about her #stupid crazy traumatized grandkid #we fantasize sbout starting fresh with somone not looking fir a trusting relationship just looking for thats sweet v lol (validation)#*goes into therapists office with printed word of life* here you go.#sys.txt

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guqin-and-flute · 4 years ago

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The Soup Incident [Episode 22]

Random Jin Guy: hey u know ur sister

WWX: everyone's mom? best person in the world? beset by terminal heterosexuality? rings a bell

LWJ: i'm sure this is more important than a war

Random Jin Guy: something happened with j

WWX: [overrunning other line] I MUST GO MY MEDDLING IS REQUIRED

Random Nie Guy: oop there he go

LWJ: wow this sounds serious

WWX: what horrors will i find what trauma will this compound what cruelty will i be met with also how did i know exactly where to go

WWX: OH. YOU.

JZX: gross

JYL: oh an audience perfect i'm sure this will de-escalate things

WWX: can we solve this with castration? tell me we can

JYL: no thanks i'd still like the option if it's all the same to u

WWX: it's not let me remove his body parts

JZX: like i'd let u near me u classless hellion

JYL: listen life hasn't been like the greatest lately had a lot of shitty carriage rides i'd like things to chill out and by things i mean namely u in this moment can we go now pls i have an appointment to cry into my pillow that i'm missing

WWX: omg noooo i'll behave i'm here to support u i'll be impartial

JYL: i don't believe that for a single second tho hun

WWX: impartial to how mUCH BLOOD I'M GONNA GET EVERYWHERE HOW IS IT EVERY TIME I SEE UR STUPID FACE I HATE U MORE fuck u u piece o shit

JYL: and there it is

JZX: [angry sleeve flap of disdainful eloquence]

WWX: wtf

JYL: yeah he's good at those

JYL: honey ur not helping urself here he beat the shit out of u BEFORE he marinated in dark energy for 3 months pls use ur words and ur brain

WWX: WAT DID UR SLEEVE SAY TO ME BITCH

JYL: can we just go pls i like to not be reminded of exactly how much stupid i willingly allow into my life

WWX: but shijie M U R D E R

JYL: inexplicably i still want to marry him so no thank u

JZX: oh look mianmian's here

MM: u fuckin bet i am u dipshit

WWX: wtaf is wrong with him

MM: ok listen LISTEN i know i feel u trust me

JZX: time to return to the arrogance corner

WWX: UR YOUNG MASTER'S A BITCH

JYL: a-xian n o

MM: no he totally is u right

JYL: well then he's MY bitch :(

MM: why do i bother to stay up late to practice conversations with u if u don't bother to try all that time wasted am i supposed to cover for u now?

JZX: bold of u to assume u can but go for it still don't know why tf ur all here just wanna eat my soup

WWX: HEY I HAVE A FUN GAME IT'S CALLED HOW MUCH OF CHENQING CAN WE FIT INTO JIN ZIXUAN quick someone pick an orifice

JYL: gross

MM: tempting

LWJ: oh hey i'm here now i walk slow oh shit the nice jiang is crying who would hurt the nice jiang?

MM: ok so u know how ur sister makes soup?

JYL: i never really stop it's a little pathological at this point maybe i should talk to someone...

LWJ: oh more heterosexual antics wei ying's achilles heel best wait outside thank god Xichen is mostly functional and gay as the day is long

MM: so she makes soup right? 2 goes to you chuckleheads and the third goes to emporer perpetual foot-in-mouth over here

JZX: [buffering]

MM: jfc why do i even try

WWX: DID HE INSULT UR S O U P ?!

JYL: sorta i am soup and soup is me

MM: so anyway

JZX: [overrunning previous line] HOLD UP I THOUGHT RANDOM SERVANT NUMBER 62 BROUGHT ME THE SOUP THAT'S NATIVE TO YUNGMENG WHERE MY EX-FIANCE GREW UP

WWX: ur in love with an idiot

JYL: i'm in love with an idiot

MM: I STG UR HEAD IS FILLED WITH JUST HAIRBALLS AND LINT HOW ARE U STILL BREATHING

MM: SHE MAKES SOUP. SHE'S THE SOUP LADY. ASK PEOPLE WHAT THEY THINK OF WHEN U SAY YANLI AND THEY'LL SAY KINDNESS. A N D S O U P . and her murder-brothers but that's not the point rn

JZX: ...u made me soup

MM: i'm so fucking sorry pls marry him i need a competent woman to hang around with i'm getting dumber by the day

WWX: seriously this guy u love this guy?

JYL: xianxian pls romantic idiocy runs in our family it's practically traditional

JYL: i mean...yes i have 2 coping mechanisms; soup and crying neither of them are working rn tho help i don't unlock righteous fury until level 25

JZX: wow she made me soup

WWX: of course she made u soup u human inner-thigh chafe show us the flashback mianmian

MM: [off screen] oh yeah that roll the tape jeeves

[ENTER FLASHBACK]

JYL: i made u soup bb

JZX: ur not servant number 62 go fuck urself

JYL: wut

[END FLASHBACK]

WWX: NO FURTHER QUESTIONS UR HONOR

Random Jin Guy Who Brought Wuxian: perhaps this was a [cursive writing] Mistake™

JZX: ouchie i can twirly fight countless puppets can't dodge a punch of the life of me cultivation jesus that's gonna leave a mark

JYL: GOD I WISH THIS WAS MORE CATHARTIC how does this always happen? who raised this kid? oh right me

Group of Random Jin Guards: we are all well intentioned but ultimately expendable extras fear us

Random Jin Guard: UNHAND HIM FIEND

WWX: cool imma write u a song it's called Don't Care Didn't Ask Gonna Kill Everyone In This Tent Over Soup in b flat tootly toot here comes the murder flute

Random Jin Guards attacked by resentful energy: [keyboard smash]

LWJ: wait hold on that's his shit starting music has shit been started?? wEi YiNg

WWX: are u prepared for the journey i'm about to send u on little man

JZX: i'm actually good here thanks

[unintelligible teenage screaming]

MM: HEY LISTEN U CAN'T DO THAT MURDER IS BAD and i still like him i sympathize but like...u can't

WWX: the semi corporeal black smoke demons that sublet my soul tell me that it's fine sooo

JYL: a-xian if u kill him now i will have put up with so much bs for n o t h i n g

LWJ: take a deep breath us ur words what in the actual hell is going on

WWX: fuck u ur not my therapist

LWJ: u do not have a therapist never has someone so clearly NOT had a therapist except maybe jiang cheng

WWX: SOUP MURDER IS GOING ON

LWJ: wut

JYL: pls understand it's just as dumb as you think

LWJ: ... i refuse to let soup related crimes of passion be something my future husband is known for u stop that

WWX: THEN I'M LEAVING

LWJ: wow

JYL: we're both in love with idiots

JZX: am i still gonna keep getting soup?

[this is a thing i do sometimes so if you would like to see more...]

Scene suggested by @nagisachan1!! (I’m so sorry I forgot to tag/credit you when I posted this!)

#my stuff #cql crack #has the word soup lost its meaning for anyone else yet?#the transcript for this is saved under 'i'm at soup.docx'#brief summary #not so brief #oh well #I swear i'm working on the episode 4 one it's giving me HASSLES #please ignore the fact that I spelled emperor wrong i do that about half the time anyway #my edit

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thisentertaining · 4 years ago

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As the Blue Spirit Howls - Chapter 4

Zuko was not a good shifter.

Azula could switch between her wolf and human skins between steps. Not Zuko, he needed several minutes before he even started the shift, and that was on a good day. If it had been Azula who Animal Control found in that alley, they would have walked away convinced that their eyes had played a trick on them. There had never been a dog there.

But Zuko’s long transformation would have only revealed his kind to the world. Father may think he has no honor, but he wouldn’t stoop so low as that. Even if that meant being dumped in animal shelter, trapped as much by the 24/7 security cameras as by the cage bars.

He had the worst luck. -

“Come on guys!” Aang said as he lead his friends through the clamoring barks of the shelter. “I want to show you my favorite dog! He’s a sweetheart.”

Aang lead the pair to where a monstrous beast of a dog was growling with raspy barks loud enough to drown out the rest of the shelter. His bright white teeth contrasted against golden eyes and a bright red scar that stretched over the side of his face as he lunged against the cage door.

Sokka laughed nervously. “Did the word ‘sweetheart’ change meaning when I wasn’t looking?”

Chapter 1

Read on Ao3

“Wait,” Katara said as they neared the shelter doors. “We should make sure he get’s along with Appa first.”

Zuko sat as they paused, pointedly looking away. He’d been surviving off of disgustingly cheap donated dog food for weeks. Even his wolf side didn’t like it. That had been his first shot at real food in what felt like forever and they had ruined it. He was furious.

No, he wasn’t sulking. He was too dignified to sulk.

“Oh, good point!” Aang said brightly, pivoting from the doors to a fenced in yard to the side. It was a larger yard for the dogs that didn’t react poorly to being around other dogs, allowing them to run around and exercise without a volunteer walking them directly. A smattering of potential future-dog owners were in the yard, petting and playing with the pups.

“Who’s Appa?” Toph asked, her face scrunching softly as they moved off of the sidewalk and onto the gravel, her expression smoothing again when they made it to the grass.

“He’s my dog!” Aang said happily. “He’s the best! A big sweetheart. And he’s a service dog too*! Not a seeing eye dog, but still really well trained. He’s not in his vest right now though so you can pet him.”

Toph opened her mouth, as though to ask what Aang needed a service dog for, but the boy forged on, likely practiced at avoiding the question. “Anyway, Spirit hasn’t been super dog aggressive. He growled at Bosco earlier, and sometimes if other dogs bark too loud he’ll get an attitude, but he isn’t like some dogs who will lunge at or go after other dogs. Well, you know, more so than he is with everyone.”

By the time the boy finished his explanation, they were at the gate of the fence. He whistled, and a dog immediately broke off from a pack that was tussling together. It was a huge white and brown furred beast of a dog, toung out and leaking drool as he happily panted. An orange bandana on his neck proclaimed the words ‘Not Available for Adoption’, one of the many such dogs of the pen. Zuko narrowed his eyes at the stranger. The Saint Bernard’s scent was familiar, Aang was practically drenched with it.

And with drool.

Appa ambled over to the group, waiting patiently as Aang slid the gate open and coming directly to his owner’s side. Zuko was vaguely aware of Sokka advising the two girls to hold on to his leashed and step back for the introduction. He wasn’t paying much attention though, instead eyeing up his opponent. They were fairly close in height, well at Aang’s chest, but Zuko’s shaved fur made him look much smaller compared to the other dog’s floof. Something about the way that the other dog held himself belied strength, confidence. He seemed solid**.

Zuko was still pretty sure he could take him.

He didn’t want to hurt him of course. But he was not going to be bottom of the totem pole. Being dog and having to act like a mindless animal was going to be bad enough, but he refused to defer to an actual dog. If this ‘Appa’ didn’t yield, he was prepared to establish dominance (it hadn’t ever worked for him in the past, but this wasn’t his sister, or his father.)

…he really didn’t want to hurt a kid’s service dog.

Especially not a therapist prescribed service dog. That meant he had PTSD or something, and Zuko shuddered to think what a kid this young and happy had gone through to qualify. Maybe something related to what landed him in witness protection, a traitorous bit of his mind suggested, and Zuko violently shook his head to force the thought out. He couldn’t think like that.

Appa let out a soft noise as Zuko shook his head, not quite a bark. It sounded more like a low moan, and it brough Zuko back into the game. Right. He had something else to focus on. It didn’t matter why Appa was here, Zuko refused to submit to him. He would fight tooth and nail to-

The Saint Bernard bumped their noses together and let out a low ‘boof’ before sitting down beside Aang, evidently no longer seeing Zuko as a threat. Zuko relaxed as well, sitting to show his acceptance. Equals. Probably the best outcome that could have happened.

Aang grinned as the dogs sat and largely ignored each other. “They’re going to be best friends.”

Sokka let out a bark of laugher as Katara lead Toph closer so that she could pet Appa. Reminded suddenly of the presence of the blind girl, Zuko resumed the low rumble that he’d halted during the standoff. He kept careful eye on Appa as he did so, but the other dog seemed to recognize that the noise wasn’t meant to be aggressive.

“Well, let’s just hope he doesn’t like to eat small rodents.” Sokka snarked.

“Why?” Toph asked. “Is your home so gross that you’re attached to the pests? Well, animal pests.” She amended, elbowing Sokka as the other teen came up to make sure their new (temporary) dog didn’t get left out considering the girls were more concerned with Appa.

Aang laughed in reply, seeming to miss the dig completely. “No rats. I have a sugar glider back at home though. His name is Momo and he is the cutest thing ever. He likes to land on my shoulder and I just walk around the house with him attached to me!”

She let out a semi-interested noise, but otherwise seemed to largely dismiss the statement. “I don’t like pets that I can’t tell I’m about to squich.”

Sokka hummed. “That’s fair.”

Aang perked up however. “Don’t worry, he loves new people! If you give him some fruit, he’ll stay on your shoulder the whole time you’re there and you don’t have to worry about it!”

The girl was quiet for a moment, her usual brass and assertive personality falling away for a moment of awkward uncertainty. “You would want me to come over?”

“Sure!” Katara said brightly. “Do you have a… um… phone?”

The girl snorted, her earlier personality restored, but a bit happier. “No, sweetness, being blind prevents me from hearing voices through technology. It’s a real struggle.”

Katara groaned. “Just give me your phone.” She commanded and Toph cackled as she handed it over.

“I can text too, using text to speech. Just put your company as ‘Snarly’ for me, will ya?”

“Sure.”

Zuko rose, sniffing towards the phone in attempt to see the number she was entering. He didn’t trust any hackers enough yet for it to be of use, but it had to come in useful somehow someday. However, the more he tried to get close to the phone, the more Katara lifted it away from his head. Zuko wanted to growl. No one wanted dogs to get too close to something valuable and fragile like phones.

He had not foreseen this problem.

He huffed and sat back down. A flash of irritation hit him, but he forced it back before it manifested into a growl. Instead he focused a moment on relishing in the smell of the grass and the feel of the sun hitting his fur and overly-sensitive skin. He hadn’t gotten the chance to enjoy it much recently, either stuck in the loud, bare rooms of the shelter or working out his restlessness with the Boulder power-walking behind.

Finally, after several moments of fiddling around with phones, Katara started herding them back into the shelter to fill out the paperwork. Long Feng glowered at them when they entered, but since Kuei was still in the corner, arranging the new owner pamphlets for the millionth time, he said nothing as he slapped the paper’s onto the counter. “I’m afraid one of your… friends will have to complete the paperwork. According to your volunteer application, you are underage. I’m afraid we will need to conduct the full new foster interview and-”

“Oh no, its okay!” Aang protested. “I’m a legal adult, I was emancipated.” He pulled a folded certificate out of his wallet along with his license, handing both over to the sour-looking man.

Zuko’s ear’s perked. This was his second chance. He jumped up so his paws were on the counter, pretending to sniff at the ceramic jar holding treats while his eyes sought out the license and certificate. It made sense that they would emancipate a 16 year old who apparently went into Witness Protection without his family. Or at least emancipate his cover. Wait, did that mean he was emancipated or wasn’t?

Zuko eyed the license, trying to catch the address and license number. The name ‘Kuzon Gyatso’ was emblazoned on the front of the card, a smiling picture of Aang adorning it. The rest of the writing was in smaller font and he squinted to read it.

“Ah ah, no!” A voice said from behind as a pair of arms snaked around behind his armpits, pulling him back away from the desk.

Wat.

Zuko blinked owlishly, utterly thrown to have been lifted away like some kind of rag doll.

Does not compute.

“No, no jumping on the table.” Sokka's voice said WAY TOO close to his ear.

Zuko finally brought himself to awareness just as Aang tucked the documents away once more.

This… was going to be harder than he thought.

_____________

* So, to clarify, in the first chapter, Sokka calls Appa a 'therapy dog', he is actually a trained PTSD dog prescribed to Aang after the offscreen events that landed him in witness protection (which will be revealed later). I just didn't think that he would throw out the phrase PTSD in the middle of a casual conversation.

Unlike therapy dogs or emotional support animals, PTSD dogs are considered service animals and are highly trained to do a lot of cool things. They can sniff out if their owner is headed to a panic attack, 'distract' from flashbacks, lead them away from stressful situations, keep them from hurting themselves or others, and a lot of other essential tasks. I'm not a professional, just a person with google, but I have been super interested in PTSD dogs ever since Chef Jet Tila did a cooking competition to raise money for a service that trains shelter dogs to be PTSD service animals. They are real cool. For more information, check out this link: https://usserviceanimals.org/blog/ptsd-service-dog-tasks/

** One of the cool things PTSD dogs are trained to do is to always watch their owners backs and make them feel comfortable knowing someone on their side is keeping lookout. To represent that, Appa walks confidently and self-assuredly to give Aang more comfort. Some of the dogs can be trained to check a perimiter or check out new houses or rooms before the owner enters. Again, I just find them super cool.

#avatar: the last airbender #atla #Zuko #Aang #Katara #sokka #toph #Appa #Werewolf!AU #Werewolf!Zuko #fanfiction #MY FANFICS

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frangipanidownunder · 5 years ago

Text

Objects in the Mirror: fic

This is for my anon who asked: ‘what happens when Scully sees Mulder kissing someone else during their “separation”. This is set pre-season 10.

Willowy. That’s the first word that pops into Scully’s head. The second thought is that at least the woman isn’t a brunette too. Type, much, Mulder? The third thought is that it’s none of her business what Mulder does these days. None. At all. Unless it’s a health issue, he’s an adult. He’s not her…The mental conversation doesn’t supply a word so her brain leaps to the fourth thought, which is how the fuck could he do that? She stops short of adding ‘to her’, so she pulls herself back to the third thought, repeating like a mantra as she strides out, eyes to the sidewalk, desperate to unsee what she saw.

But now there’s a burning itch in her gut, the kind that used to see her pumping more rounds out at the firing range or sending local law enforcement officers running for cover with her machine-gun observations of their sub-par work. Pity she can’t blow her anger/disappointment/betrayal/jealousy off like that anymore; she’s no longer FBI.

Pity she can’t blow off being Scully.

She takes her writhing anger/disappointment/betrayal/jealousy into the café over the road and orders a large latte and a white chocolate and raspberry muffin. She knows she’ll regret it almost immediately and spend a week denying herself any other treats but she needs the sugar hit. Mulder’s still talking to Willow-Blonde, so while Scully’s waiting, she teases ‘Louis’ the barista with a slow smile, holding the seam of her wallet against her cheek, hugging her waist with the other arm and slowly twisting her torso side to side so that her hair falls over her face, then swings back off it again.

It’s a pointless mating dance. It’s reactive. She’s aware of that, but tries not to fall further down the Mulder-profiling-her rabbit hole. The slow-combustion of what she recognises as a misguided sense of dispossession is still taking place in her veins. She hates herself for this weakness but here she is swaying for a bearded barista. Louis blinks her way, finishing the latte art on her order with a flourish. For him, this ritual is part of his training. Keep the customers happy. Especially the older, professional women. They’re the ones who’ll return to the same café time and again, spending their disposable income on cakes and romantic hopes. She’d fuck him though. He’s pretty enough. She wonders what the male equivalent of willowy is. And then tells her mind to shut the fuck up.

Outside, where people are actually living with purpose, instead of imagining petty sex-revenge scenarios, the street is busy. Through the thrum, she spots Mulder again. His outline, his figure, is imprinted indelibly in her mind’s eye. She believes she could find him anywhere, in a ballgame crowd, in the darkened corner of a jazz club behind drifting dry ice, through the misty rain at the end of the yard, arm raised against the twisted apple tree, raging at the brutal sky above him. There was a time when she so desperately wanted him to return home from her imposed exile that she saw him everywhere: in the parking lot, at the line in the bank, across the street pushing someone else’s baby in a stroller.

“Latte for Day-nah,” Louis sings, and as he hands over the cup his fingers brush hers. They’re thin, girlish, two knuckles decorated with calligraphy tattoos. She doesn’t hold his eye, just whips the coffee and cake bag from his hand and heads outside.

The woman has gone but Mulder’s still there, brown paper cup in hand, sunglasses (those ugly sports ones he got from eBay because they were called SpookMeister, what? they’re so me, Scully) across that familiar, broad nose, hair an inch past unkempt and stubble on his chin that hides that fat bottom lip just a little too much. She dips her face to her own cup and watches a moment longer before a car pulls up and he climbs in.

He calls her later. She doesn’t answer the first time, lets the cell buzz and slide over the table top while his name flashes at her. When she does pick up, she feigns breathlessness and gets the desired response.

“Did I catch you at a bad time, Scully?” There’s disappointment laced through his words.

“No, it’s fine. Just doing a workout.” She wheezes out a cough for extra measure.

“Keeping fit for all those kids, huh? You’re a good doctor, Scully. Always going above and beyond for that place. I hope they know how deep your affections lie. Is there some kind of Olympic Games for paediatricians? The Doctors Games?”

It’s hard not to bite back, but they’ve played this game for so long their dysfunction is beat-perfect. “Keeping fit for one’s own personal health and wellbeing is a key component in living a fulfilling life, Mulder.” If only she could convince herself as easily as the words flow.

There’s a shuffle, a few clicks and bumps. He’s changing channels. “I wanted to let you know that I’ve found a new therapist. One that seems to really get me, you know?”

His tone seems genuine and she softens. “That’s good, Mulder.” Despite their issues, she’s only ever wanted him to be well. “I do want to know these things. As your physician…”

“Not that I didn’t like the other one you recommended, but,” he takes in a sharp breath as if to punctuate his point, “we’d run our course.”

She sinks into the chair, letting her head flop back on the rest. One step forward, two steps back. “How often do you see him?”

“You’re letting your unconscious bias show, Scully. Her.”

The small word stings like a needle. She refrains from asking him if she has blonde hair and legs like a foal.

“Fortnightly. We’re still at the heady getting to know you stage.” There’s a small silence where she imagines he’s assessing if he’s done enough damage yet. “She’s young enough to understand Instagram but mature enough to get Prince.”

She laughs gently. The tension diffuses again and she feels a rush of emotion. She can’t help herself. He drags her down then lifts her up with a simple switch of tone. “I saw you today. In town.”

“I do go out in the wild without my Ghillie suit sometimes, Scully. Why didn’t you say hello? I don’t bite.”

Not literally, she thinks. Well, not for a long time. She crosses her legs at the unexpected surge of arousal but the image of him kissing another woman creeps behind her eyes again. “It felt…” If he were here with her, in the same room, he’d lean in to her, tilt his head, quirk his lips, draw the truth from her. But there’s a distance more than miles between them and she can’t say the words. “I was running late.”

“That’s unlike you, Dr Punctual. Is everything okay?”

The way he switches from teasing to caring leaves her off-balance. She waits for the world to right itself.

“Can you schedule me in for an appointment, Scully? There’s something I’d like to talk to you about. Not medical. Are you free on the weekend?”

Tightness in her chest makes her breathing hitch. She adjusts the phone in her grip, gives herself time to respond. She’s faced mutants and monsters, her own mortality and his death, the loss of her children. Surely, his confession shouldn’t be elevated to those ranks. Yet her hands tremble and nausea roils in her stomach. Her brain rocks. It’s stupid, dumb to feel like this. She left him. She turned her back one last time and got herself away before the darkness swallowed her whole. The guilt that followed stripped her bare like a never-ending winter but recently she’s begun to feel the warmth of the sun on her skin again.

“Sure. I’ll come over,” she asserts. That way she can simply leave again. Walk the same walk.

“No, let me take you to dinner,” he says, unexpectedly. “That Thai place you like.”

Her sigh is sharp enough to graze her throat. He can’t be that insensitive as to invite her to eat at the same place they celebrated getting the keys to the house or her news about the job at Our Lady of Sorrows.

“Or the Ethiopian restaurant. You loved their shiro wat.”

“We could order pizza and stay home.” Home. She says it without thinking.

He chuckled. “Like the old days?”

“Something like that,” she says, knowing it will be anything but.

In the end, they agreed on a lunch at the vegetarian café and she orders an omelette she knows she won’t eat. He tucks into his feta and pumpkin quiche with salad and tells her he’s trying to eat cleaner. She doesn’t ask what’s brought on the change.

“What was it you wanted to tell me, Mulder? If it’s just to prove you’re finally paying attention to your diet, you’ve demonstrated it adequately. I believe you.” Her fingers clasp around a napkin and she twists it to a sharp point.

His expression is the same one he used for the victims of the most bizarre kind of crimes. She feels panic welling in her throat and crushes the napkin into a tight ball.

“I wanted to tell you that I met someone. I figured I owed you an explanation. Not an explanation, I mean I haven’t done anything wrong…fuck, this is hard,” he rubs the back of his neck. “Jeez. I feel like a teenager. I…I just didn’t want you to find out from someone else.” He pauses and she nods her head at him, encouraging him to finish, not only because he’s clearly still got stuff to get off her chest, but also because she just wants it over. “Not that anyone else knows because I don’t have friends…so, anyway. I…” The noise he makes is a sad laugh. For her or for him? “That’s, that’s my news.”

His fingers have crept across the table and they’re drumming on the surface, disturbing the small jug containing packets of sugar so that it chinks in time with his beat. He adds a low “sorry.”

If she takes a deep breath, what signal will that send? If she speaks too quickly, would that show a callous disinterest? She tries to smile but her lips refuse to co-operate. She’s never been good at hiding negative emotions, despite her tendency to stoicism. “How did you meet her?”

“Online,” he says. “Where else does someone who spends days at a time in his den meet other humans?”

He’s blushing and it’s charming and she hates it. “Is it serious?” The words are dry on her tongue.

He looks away and she tries to interpret the clench of his jaw. A beat. It softens and his mouth changes from grimace to lop-sided grin. “What does it mean if she left a copy of Why Men Don’t Listen and Women Can’t Read Maps on the coffee table?”

“Well,” she starts, trying to hold his eye despite a rush of conflicting emotions churning through her. “I would jump in the car and take it back to her, but I’m not sure how to get to her place.”

There’s a moment of shocked silence, then his head tips back and he laughs. She sips her tea and enjoys the sound. It always pleases her so profoundly to make him laugh. Not many people could claim to draw out true joy from Fox Mulder.

When he’s collected himself, he rubs his chin. “She took me out last week for coffee, took me out to tell me it was over. At least she did that, I suppose. She…she told me I was too insular. Can you believe that, Scully?” He plays for light. “According to her expert opinion of my psyche, that, I might add, she gleaned from two coffee dates and a meal at some over-priced French place where a dessert the size of a pin cost $50, I was still stuck in the past. With you.” He lowers his eyes and she rolls her lips together to stop herself from adding ‘and your demons and truths’. His shoulders move as he chuckles. “She didn’t really leave me that book, Scully. She didn’t come to the house.”

She’s stupidly relieved to hear that.

“It seemed wrong, somehow,” he says. “And it got me thinking, after her Dear John speech, that maybe this is what we’re…I’m destined for. A kind of relationship limbo. Prevented from going forward because I’m still snagged on a Scully branch. Do you think she’s right? If you…if you met someone, Scully, do you think you could give your whole self to that person?” He blinks slowly. “Or will there always be a small part of you left here?” He pats his chest with the side of his fist.

Her own heart speeds up. She’s had a few dates, a few flings. She hadn’t told him because he wasn’t in the headspace to process her attempts at moving on. And she can see now they were just ‘attempts’. There was an emptiness to the experience. And there’s a grain of truth to his question. It’s exposed just how indelibly tied they are because of their past.

She doesn’t answer him and he plays with the lollo rosso on his plate. “I like the weight of you in here.” He looks down to his heart. “It keeps me balanced.” A waiter retrieves their plates and Mulder watches her for the entire time he’s cleaning the table.

Her chest constricts, burns with such intensity that she’s certain her face is aflame. His fingers meet hers, mid-table, and she lets him squeeze them, such tenderness, such affection, so far removed from the angry, impotent man she’d left.

“Have we fucked each other up entirely, Scully?”

“Is that how she put it, your mystery woman?”

He grins. “I told her I liked being fucked up. It’s the only life I’ve ever known. That’s when she threw in the towel.”

“I don’t blame her,” she says, rubbing his knuckles. “Imagine meeting Spooky Mulder all grown up. At least back in the day your paranoia was justified. Government conspiracies and all.”

“If Dr Dana Scully had met me now, she wouldn’t have lasted one date with Ole Spook, would she?”

She lowers her head as she giggles. “You showed me many things, Mulder. Opened my eyes to wonders and closed them to the black and white life I’d known. I’m a better person because of you. I wouldn’t change a day.”

“You told me that once before.”

“And I still mean it.”

Outside, the day is cooling, sun leaching away behind thickening cloud. They walk in amiable silence down the street. There’s a bookshop she loves and he nods as she lingers at the door. Inside, the comforting smell of words on pages wafts over her and she browses the dark-shadowed shelves.

Mulder emerges with an armful of books from Squatchin’ for Novices to Meals for One. She swallows at the sight of that one. She’s picked up a mystery thriller, and couple of romances that he side-eyes. She bats him over the arm with one. Then she spies the main prize. She picks out two copies. A his and her pair. The teller scans them through and she hands one to Mulder.

He’s still laughing as they walk to their cars. He puts the other books on the passenger seat of his car and clasps his copy of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck to his chest.

“Shit is fucked,” she says, reading from the blurb.

“And we just have to live with it.” He drops a kiss on her head and smiles a full-wattage beam. “You’re still a good date, Scully.”

“You too,” she says. “And I’m glad you told me about��your…”

“Tiffany. That was her name.”

She can’t help the sharp burst of laughter that comes out. “I’m sorry,” she says. “That…was unexpected.”

He snugs a hand in his jeans pocket. “I know. It should have been a warning.”

“Well, unfortunate name aside, it’s good that you’re getting out there.”

“Out there. Where the truth is? I don’t think I’ll be doing it again in a hurry.”

She pulls a sympathetic face, reaches out to touch his arm. “I don’t want to be your snag, Mulder. I thought I was setting you free.”

“We’ll never be free of each other, Scully. And I don’t want to be free in that sense, not if it means never having days like this. I…miss you.” He bounces his toe off the ground and the lump in her throat wedges itself firm.

“I’d better be going,” she whispers. Turns to leave.

“Maybe we can make this a weekly thing,” he says after her. “Just two fuck-ups having lunch, you know?”

She stops, turns back around, smiling through her tears. “Maybe.” And she watches him in the rear-view mirror. Objects in the mirror may appear closer than they are, she thinks as she drives away, and sometimes, they actually are.

#txf fanfic #my fanfiction #msr pre-season ten angst #objects in the mirror

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takonei · 4 years ago

Text

Beta AU - Main story, Chapter 5, daily life (Part 1)

Note of the author: Back to the shitshow, my dudes

I’m very sorry for the long wait! However this chapter is twice as long as a normal daily life chapter. Have fun with this 13k word long chapter lol

Chapter 5: An oath to one’s lost humanity - Daily life

...

"Who..."

...

"Who am I...?"

...

Day 17 since the beginning of the game.

4:40 AM.

Shuichi stared at the ceiling of his room, laying on his bed.

He almost hasn't slept at all.

Each time he tried to close his eyes, each time he tried to sleep, it was a different vision haunting his mind.

The first was back at the warehouse. Then Himiko's corpse. Then the exisal blasting Tsumugi. Then the warehouse again. Then Korekiyo's execution.

Now he was afraid to even close his eyes.

The ceiling was perhaps the most comforting vision he had in hours.

...

He looked at the clock in his room.

At least this one didn't make any sound.

He bitterly chuckled at the thought. Every single insignificant thing was starting to haunt him in some way as this game went on and on.

The violinist sat up, his head spinning from the tiredness.

But he still had to gain back enough energy for the day. They were going to explore the new labs, the new places, and more importantly, they had to investigate Keebo's death.

... But perhaps he could take a walk outside. He would not be able to close his eyes even if he tried to. Not now, at least.

After a long shower, he got dressed up. However, he didn't feel like putting on his vest and tie. Just the shirt and pants would be enough.

Looking at the window, he could see the first rays of sunlight illuminating the sky.

At least that was better than walking in the dark of the night.

Shuichi gently pushed the door of his room. The dormitories were silent. Surprisingly, the food, the medical supplies, and the cutlery they had brought disappeared. Monokuma must have brought them back.

At least they wouldn't have to do it themselves.

Speaking of the motive, he hadn't seen the sanzu key in his room either. At least that meant the motive was truly over.

Although he would have preferred Monokuma not to go in his room for this.

He quietly got out of the building and closed the door.

It felt nice to walk without worrying about being impaled by a spear nor having to run for his life.

Shuichi took a deep breath, enjoying the fresh breeze.

But after he took the first few steps, his eyes landed on the wisterias.

Something was on the pergola. Or rather, someone.

Upon closer inspection, he realized Kirumi was sitting on top of the structure.

... Perhaps she had trouble sleeping as well. Maybe he could try to talk to her.

He approached the place, and the mercenary turned around to look at him.

"Oh. You're awake as well."

Shuichi blinked. "How... did you get up there?"

She huffed, although she didn't look mad. "You underestimate me, Shuichi. I am a mercenary. I can easily climb this."

If she was in her normal outfit, then sure, but... She was clearly in her pajamas -simple grey shorts, a loose white top, and a black chest band- and bare feet.

"... Do you want me to help you get up?" she asked him.

He glanced away. "That looks high, though..."

She pointed at a small tree next to one of the pillars. "If you climb this, I'll be able to reach you."

"No, it's just..."

He was afraid of heights. But perhaps he could try to surpass this fear.

Even though Kiyo had told him that no matter what, he was not useless nor not enough, he could still try.

He approached the tree to climb it. It wasn't that hard, actually. When he managed to get to the highest point possible, Kirumi extended her hand.

After he managed to grab it, she helped him get on the wooden planks.

Even though it wasn't the most comfortable here, it was still a nice view.

Kirumi sat back on one of the planks. "There's more than enough space. I don't think this structure is going to break that easily."

The two made themselves as comfortable as they could.

He noticed she had eyebags -smaller than his, but still here anyway-, but more importantly, he noticed the white patch on her shoulder.

He forgot about her injury.

"Wait- your shoulder! Was it okay for you to help me?"

She waved a hand. "It's fine. The wound healed enough not to be dangerous for me anymore."

...

The sun was slowly rising. Perhaps this wasn't as bad as he expected it to be.

(BGM)

The two stared at the horizon for a while, in silence.

It was relaxing, in some way. Definitely more than staying in his room in the dark, haunted by the visions of the killing game.

At least, he wasn't alone right now. He had Kirumi at his side.

...

"How long have you been here anyway?" Shuichi broke the silence.

She hummed. "I would say 30 minutes."

About the same time he decided to get out of bed, then.

"Aren't you cold?"

"Not that much. It doesn't bother me."

He was bad at small talk, wasn't he?

But perhaps silence was great too.

...

"How are you holding up? It is unusual for you to be up this early." she asked.

He perked up. "I... I couldn't sleep. I kept getting nightmares. What about you?"

She stayed silent for a moment. "... I just had trouble sleeping. I don't get nightmares, but when I get in those types of situations, where anyone could potentially harm me, I tend to stay on guard. It's more of a natural reaction for me at this point."

He nodded.

"You say you keep getting nightmares. Is there something on your mind?" she slightly turned to him.

It was odd for her to say that. But then again, she did tell him he should talk to people if he had worries back after the third trial.

The deaths were still lingering on his mind but something else was making him more uncomfortable.

Or rather, someone.

"This... isn't worth the trouble, don't worry."

She looked at him, a hint of regret on her face. "... I am not Kiyo, I am no therapist and I probably am the last person here to ask for advice but... If you get nightmares from this, perhaps it would be better to talk about it with someone."

Shuichi pondered.

Kirumi was a mercenary. She had experience in killing and was used to dangerous situations. Even though she claims not to be the best person to talk to, perhaps she would be, considering the situation.

"It's... About Rantaro."

He didn't know if to talk about the incident in the warehouse would be a good idea but he had kept the secret for too long. And with his attitude getting stranger and stranger, his worry could only grow.

"About the trial?"

He shook his head. "No, it's something that happened before."

She raised an eyebrow.

"I think it was two days ago, the day we learned about Kaito's leg. We were in the same group for the afternoon locks, I got mine alone since you went back to the dorms because of your injury. I wanted to help Ryoma by getting some tools to help."

She slightly tilted her head to the side. "Didn't you say they were all organized in boxes and you didn't want to disturb it?"

Shit. He forgot about that part.

He hadn't checked anything because of the message on the ground and Rantaro going to get it.

Perhaps he should keep this part to himself.

"Oh, it's just... I thought that by the time I went back, Ryoma or Rantaro would be here..." he lied.

Kirumi paused for a moment. "I see."

"Well... When I went back to the warehouse, I saw Rantaro rummaging through one of the boxes, and when I approached him to ask what I could take, he..."

Shuichi trailed off, the memory of the moment very clear in his mind.

He approached his hand to his neck. "He... He pinned me to the ground without a warning and almost sliced my throat with a scalpel."

She looked at him with wide eyes. "... I wanted to say I was surprised but somehow... I'm not. Not after the last trial."

He looked at her. "Really?"

She paused. "Considering what he probably went through during his missions, I am not surprised. We tend to forget it because he makes it look like it doesn't affect him but I doubt that is really the case."

Shuichi thought about everything that happened the day before. How mad he was at Ryoma, and how mad he was at himself for failing Tsumugi.

Even when they stepped into his lab during the investigation.

The feeling of guilt on his face was stronger than he ever saw him feel- if he didn't count the trial.

"The more I think about it, the more I'm starting to see the big picture."

The violinist turned to her.

"In some way, we can consider this killing game a war, Rantaro said so himself. And thus he started acting like it was his duty to save each and every one of us like we were crewmates."

"He probably thought this would be easier than his usual missions, but it turned out not to be the case."

"By seeing us die one by one, I have a feeling he started to think he was failing us. And that probably weighs a lot on his mind."

She narrowed her eyes. "But that much? It feels odd. I don't think anyone would react that strongly without having experienced something similar in the past."

Shuichi thought about the notebook Korekiyo had given him. Perhaps he could try to see if he talked to him about it.

"But of course that doesn't excuse what he almost did to you. Has he apologized?"

He nodded. "Briefly... But we never spoke of this again."

She hummed. "... I see. While I admit I am starting to get worried about him, perhaps we should let Ryoma talk to him first."

Even though that moment still flashed in his mind... Deep down he felt the same. His attitude in the trial clearly proved something was wrong, and he didn't want to demonize him before hearing the full story.

Was he even going to hear it?

... He should change the subject. The more he thought about this, the bigger the headache got.

"Hey, Kirumi..."

She slightly turned to him.

"What do you think of... You know... Keebo's death?"

She pondered for a moment. "I was about to say that Monokuma giving the wrong judgment was odd but... Is it?"

They all said Monokuma was adamant about the rules but the more they went through those trials, the less it was the case. He was pretty sure the only reason Kiyo was the blackened was so he could have a trial to watch.

And he didn't hesitate to render a wrong judgment and declared Kaito guilty.

What were even the rules of this game?

It didn't feel like an organized killing game.

But a chaotic massacre he cheated at every single instance.

He sighed. "I'm just glad Kaito wasn't executed..."

She stayed silent for a moment. "We should wait until everyone is in a proper mental and physical state to investigate. If the culprit is whoever keeps up trapped here, we can't afford any mistakes."

Shuichi nodded. He himself needed some good rest.

A rest he couldn't get even if he tried.

He hoped things would not be too disastrous today. He did not have the energy nor the will to deal with Monokuma.

Kirumi stood up. "I'll go to Rantaro's lab to search for a replacement for my bandage. This one is getting old and I do not wish to disturb Rantaro for this."

Shuichi looked down. How will he even get off?

He observed Kirumi walking on the wooden planks to reach for the tree and climbed down like it was nothing.

"Do you need some help?"

He carefully approached the same tree she used. "I'll... try..."

He took a deep breath and started climbing down.

The tree wasn't that stable but he somehow managed to get down.

He brushed the dust off his pants. "I'm good."

She smiled. "Let's go, then."

"W-Wait..."

He blinked. "Are you really planning to go bare feet?"

She looked down, almost as if she forgot she wasn't wearing any shoes. "I'll be fine."

"At least put some slippers on!"

Seeing the look on his face, Kirumi sighed. "If you insist."

The two went back to the dorms, Shuichi waiting outside. A few minutes later, the mercenary came back with a pair of plain black slippers.

"Satisfied?"

"Yes."

The two made their way to the main building. It felt nice to walk around carefreely, although the circumstances were not the best.

But the moment they stepped foot inside the building, they saw it.

On the ground was the red monokub, his head smashed to pieces.

... This was not what Shuichi wanted to see right now.

"Boohoo! My sweet... What was his name, again?" a robotic voice appeared from behind.

The two glared at him, not saying anything. The tired eyes told a lot more than they needed to say.

"Still not warming up to them, aren't ya? Show some empathy!"

Kirumi continued her way, not bothering to look at him. "I'll show empathy when you stop making us kill each other for your own entertainment."

Shuichi followed her, not wanting any more business with Monokuma.

"How rude!" he yelled, then tapped his cheek. "Perhaps I should add a rule that it should be mandatory to grieve for my sweet monokubs..."

However, Shuichi wasn't listening anymore. He simply made his way to the stairs.

Once they were on the second floor, Kirumi sighed. "I can't stand this bear anymore. Good thing I don't have a weapon on me right now."

"Agreed."

They made their way to the third floor, approaching the medic's lab. They noticed the door was slightly open.

They quickly glanced at each other. Considering the state it was in yesterday, Monokuma probably had to repair it but shouldn't he leave the door closed?

The two hesitantly went in. Shuichi's eyes immediately widened.

Even though the lab was back to the state it was in before yesterday, someone definitely went in here.

There were several shattered bottles on the floor, liquid staining the ground and pills scattered around. There was also an empty broken plastic cup on the table near the sink. But what made him shiver were the few specks of dried blood on the floor.

It was like someone rushed in here to take what they wanted without bothering to clean.

Kirumi put a knee down to take a look at the bottles and the pills. "... Those are painkillers. It's written on the etiquette." she started regrouping them.

Shuichi approached the sink. The cup was one of those single-use white plastic ones you could easily break by slamming them on a table.

But considering its state, it was safe to say the person smashed it with their hand alone.

"... What happened here?" he muttered with a shaky voice.

She shook her head. "I don't know, Shuichi. I really don't."

She stood back up, a worrying amount of pills in her hand and an empty bottle in the other.

Her eyes turned to the faint bloodstain on the ground.

"I feel like whoever went in there clearly doesn't fear-"

She abruptly stopped.

Shuichi blinked, seeing her expression growing more worried by the second.

She looked around one more time.

"Is something wrong?"

"I was about to say that whoever went in this lab clearly doesn't fear Rantaro but... We cannot exclude the possibility Rantaro went in there himself."

The violinist perked up. "You think Rantaro did this??"

"I don't know, I just said we shouldn't exclude the possibility."

The two looked around the messy room. "... This is something we're going to keep to ourselves for now if we want answers."

They started cleaning up the room in silence. It's not like they had much to do after all.

Cleaning up a medical lab at 5:30 in the morning was not something Shuichi ever expected to do.

It felt both relaxing and very unsettling. They didn't know who went in here, desperately looking for painkillers, also leaving blood on the floor and they were here cleaning up the mess.

At least it was better than having nightmares, Shuichi thought.

...

Once they were done, Shuichi let out a sigh. "How are we even going to investigate this?"

She pondered for a moment. "For now let's just wait for everyone to wake up."

Kirumi took the bandage she was supposed to get, gave one last look at the now clean room, and left with Shuichi.

The walk back to the dorms was silent for some time.

"... What do you plan on doing, now?"

Shuichi looked at his Monopad. 6:00 AM. The sun was still slowly rising in the distance. "I don't know. I don't feel like going back to sleep. Perhaps I'll play some violin in my lab."

As if on cue, the door of the dormitories opened before they could reach for the handle. And out came... Kaito?

He looked as tired as them. But what surprised Shuichi was the absence of his belt-chain and the lack of hair gel. He instead left his hair into a low ponytail.

They stared at each other for a moment.

"So... You guys are awake too?"

"For about two hours for me." Kirumi replied.

"I would say an hour and a half..." Shuichi muttered.

There was an uncomfortable silence between them.

"Wait, were you guys planning to go back to sleep?" the biker went out of the way to let them pass. "Shit, sorry."

The mercenary waved a hand. "I was mostly planning to take a shower. I don't think I'll be able to go back to sleep at this point."

"Me neither..."

"Oh."

Kirumi entered the dorms building. "... Now that I think about it, there is something I would like to ask you, Kaito."

He raised an eyebrow. "Me?"

"May I try your jacket on for a moment, please?"

He almost jumped. "H-Huh?"

She sighed. "Do not take this the wrong way, please. I just want to check something."

He took it off, a bit unsure, but gave it to Kirumi. She put it on and it fit her surprisingly well. "That'll do."

"Hey, that's my jacket! If you really want it, I can fetch you another considering I got about ten of them in my room!"

"That's what I was planning to ask you, actually."

"What?"

She took off the jacket. "You see, everyone knows my real talent at this point. Dressing up as a maid isn't going to help me much. Which is why I wanted to wear something a bit more comfortable."

Oh.

"But isn't there a rule we have to wear uniforms or something?" Kaito asked.

"I already checked. It isn't mandatory."

Shuichi had been wearing the same uniform since the beginning. Perhaps he could try to change it a little as well.

... And even if Monokuma wanted them to wear their uniforms properly, it would feel good to mildly inconvenience him.

"So... Should I fetch one of my jackets for you?"

"Do you have other colors or are they all the same?"

He thought for a moment. "I think I have dark purple and black. You wanna check?"

She shrugged. "If it doesn't bother you."

The three headed to the biker's room. "Just give me a sec-"

He entered the room and closed the door behind him. A few minutes later he reopened it. "Sorry, I tried to at least clean up a little."

"It's fine."

Kaito's room was a bit messy and it was easy to tell he hastily tried to make it look nicer. But that's the thought that counts.

He opened the closet to reveal a bunch of the same jacket in several hues from purple to black.

He gave a black one to Kirumi, who put it on. "It has its charm. Do you mind if I borrow it?"

The biker waved a hand. "It's just a jacket, don't sweat it. Besides I wear the purple ones, not the black ones."

She smiled. "Thank you. I'll make sure not to ruin it."

They left the room and Kirumi started heading back to hers, jacket in hand. "What are you two planning to do?"

Shuichi shrugged. "I did say I would play the violin but since Kaito's there too then perhaps we'll do something else."

He thought for a moment. "Card games? We can take one and go to the tables in front of the dining hall."

That sounded nicer than whatever he had planned. "Sure! You'll join us later, right?"

She nodded. "Alright."

The two boys left the dorms, heading to the main building.

Considering how Kaito took painkillers for his phantom pains, perhaps he was the one who went to Rantaro's lab last night.

He could try to subtly ask him.

"How is your leg? You did mention having phantom pains, right?"

He shrugged. "I did have my usual dose this morning. But I can't exactly predict when I'll be limping like a freakin' pirate."

... Kaito didn't look like he was lying. Besides, even if he had phantom pains, that didn't explain the blood.

Better luck next time.

After getting the cards, the two headed back outside.

He started shuffling the cards. "Same game as ever?"

Shuichi looked down. "To be honest I'm not exactly in the mood to think..."

The biker thought for a moment. "War it is, then."

The violinist frowned, already not liking the name. "War?"

His friend blinked. "Please tell me you at least know this game."

"Uh..."

Kaito sighed. "Just go along with me. It's pretty simple."

The two played this game for a while. It was mostly luck-based. Put a card in front of you and see which one is the strongest.

At least this brought him back a faint smile.

Between two rounds, Shuichi noticed Kaito staring at him.

"Is something wrong?"

"What were you two even doing outside at 5 in the morning?"

... He really hoped he didn't take this the wrong way.

"I uh... I couldn't sleep and I saw her outside the dorms so I joined her."

He looked skeptical. "Yeah, sure."

Shuichi didn't know what to say. He couldn't win, could he?

The biker scoffed. "Can you believe it? We got a freakin' mercenary in our group. I still have trouble believing that. How many has she killed?"

That was not a question Shuichi wanted to think about. "I don't know... But she never showed any sign of hostility against any of us."

"Yeah, but still..."

It's true that despite her talent, they had included her quite quickly in the group. Was Kaito hinting at the fact that they shouldn't have?

"Do you... have a problem with her?"

"Nah it's just..." he scratched his neck. "How do I put it."

"It feels weird to say we accepted a killer among our group."

He bitterly chuckled. "Not that I've got room to talk. For a while, I thought I had killed Keebo."

Was it the context of the killing game that made them act this way? Surely he wouldn't have approached her if there were more than seven of them.

"But then again... Almost everyone here is guilty of something, huh..."

... Not himself, though. But perhaps that wasn't the best thing to say.

"Perhaps for now... It's for the best." he muttered.

"I guess you're right..." Kaito replied.

They played in silence for some time before the biker perked his head up. "Hm?"

Shuichi looked behind him. Kirumi approached them, Kokichi accompanying her.

She was wearing her usual skirt, boots, necklace, and pair of tights, but instead of her maid uniform, she had put on a white shirt and Kaito's black leather jacket. She almost looked like a biker herself, now.

As for Kokichi, he was wearing the same outfit as usual except for the fact that...

... He wasn't wearing the hood of his jacket.

He had never seen his full head before. It was always covered by his hoodie. He never actually knew why he covered his face in the first place.

"Oh, Kokichi!"

The boy slightly jumped. "Y-Yeah I... I wanted to try to take it off for once... But if it bothers you I can put it back-"

Kaito shook his head. "No, that's great! It's just rare to see your face in its entirety."

He gripped the base of his hood. "T-Thanks..."

There was still a lot of effort to make, but it was clear he was trying his best.

Shuichi slightly moved to the side to let one of them sit down, and Kaito doing the same.

Kirumi moved next to the violinist, and Kokichi next to the biker.

"What were you two playing?"

Kaito shrugged. "A game of war, but since it's a 2-person game we'll switch to something else, I guess."

Kokichi bitterly chuckled, eyeing him. "You don't like luck-based games with me, don't you?"

He narrowed his eyes at him. "Listen, I just want a fair game. Got it?"

Shuichi giggled, remembering the last time they played cards with him.

"I am not familiar with any card games, unfortunately. What do you suggest?" Kirumi asked.

Kaito pondered, looking at the three. "Kemps is usually by six but it's doable by four."

Kokichi's eyes widened. "You mean the game by teams of two?"

"You got me! Wait, where did you learn that?"

He sighed. "When the only source of entertainment you have in an orphanage is a card deck with three missing cards, you tend to learn every single game you could possibly play."

"Oh... Sorry..."

"That and you learn how to scam people."

...

Shuichi froze. "S-Scamming people?"

He looked at him, unimpressed. "How did you think we managed to get money?"

"I-I don't know! I just didn't know how you did it!"

Kaito laughed. "Come on! Teach-

"No." he interrupted him. "I am not teaching any of you how to do scams. I can do a demonstration, but I am not teaching you how to do illegal things."

Right... The karma could still impact them.

Kirumi snickered. "I want to see if I manage to get the trick."

Kokichi thought for a moment. "It should be fine if it's just a demonstration. But I haven't done this in a long time, though. I'm still going to need an accomplice."

Kirumi raised an eyebrow. "An accomplice, huh?"

He nodded. "We always did this by two."

"I can be the accomplice!" Kaito exclaimed.

Kokichi smiled. "Very well! Give us a moment, alright?"

The two left.

Kokichi was explaining everything to Kaito in the distance when Kirumi tapped Shuichi's shoulder. He turned around.

"I do not think Kokichi's the one who went to Rantaro's lab. I tried to ask him some things before we came here and I do not think that is the case."

He shook his head. "I tried to ask Kaito if he had phantom pains last night and he said no... He didn't look like he was lying."

She hummed. "... So it's either Miu, Ryoma, or Rantaro."

The mercenary eyed him. "Or you if you lied to me."

Shuichi jumped. "I-I didn't, I swear!"

At that moment, she looked behind him. "... We'll talk about that later."

The two other boys came back.

He would have to talk to Kirumi as well.

After all, there is a possibility she lied to him.

... But that didn't make any sense for her to take painkillers, so he gave up on the idea.

Kokichi took the card deck and started shuffling. His movements were precise, it was almost hypnotizing.

He spread the cards and presented them to Kirumi. "Choose five."

The mercenary looked at the cards and did as told.

"Place them in front of you."

He eyed Kaito, who was slightly behind Kirumi. The mercenary continued paying attention to Kokichi.

"Now choose one and look at it."

He closed his eyes, letting her choose.

She thought for a moment, then picked one of them. It was the queen of spades. She placed it back where it was. "Done."

He took back the five cards with a swift hand movement and grouped them. "I may be taking these cards but I don't have a slight clue what any of these are."

He took the rest of the deck and spread it in front of him, glancing at the others. "And even if I managed to get a look at the rest of the deck, there's no way I would guess that quickly which cards are missing." Kirumi noticed he glanced at Kaito a bit too much, side-eyeing him as well.

He grouped back the rest of the deck and placed it aside.

He looked at the cards for a moment.

"From my sharp ears, I heard you took a card that was on my left, so let's take off this one."

"From my gloved hands, I sensed a lack of touch on this one."

"From my blind eyes, I saw that those two were not the chosen ones."

"And from the eyes of the world..." He pointed at the card in the middle. "... I foresaw a queen of spades."

He turned the card around to reveal the one Kirumi chose.

Shuichi's eyes widened. "Woah.."

Kirumi pondered. "We know Kaito is an accomplice, so I'm guessing he signed something to you."

The violinist looked at the biker. "I saw he was eyeing on his left and doing some hand gestures but... I didn't see what it meant."

Kokichi laughed, along with Kaito. "This was always a challenge not to laugh when I was doing this."

Shuichi frowned. "What do you mean? I didn't see anything?"

Kirumi sighed. "And my back was turned to him. My vision is limited."

"Well, you see..." Kokichi grouped back the cards. "Kaito never signed anything to me."

Shuichi perked up. "Huh?"

The biker laughed. "Man, I didn't think your thing would work! Seriously, how did you invent this?"

"Alright, I'll explain the trick." Kokichi said.

"The goal is to make sure the audience thinks you have an accomplice. Someone who makes gestures odd enough to get the attention. And with only half the attention focused on me, I can do a lot more." He explained.

"While you were focused on Kaito, I did have the time to check which card was yours."

Shuichi frowned. "Wait, really? She still had her attention on you though..."

"You're right, I barely had time to check a second time since Kirumi was mainly focused on me. But you're forgetting one thing."

He moved away the hair covering his left eye. "I can see through here. When I asked her to choose a card, I had only one eye closed."

... Was that it? Was it that simple?

Kirumi stared at him for a moment. "... I can't believe I was fooled by a trick that stupid."

Kokichi chuckled. "It's actually more interesting in the long run since most people tried to guess the trick. They tried to position themselves in front of a supposed accomplice, but it never did anything. Because there was never an accomplice in the first place."

That was actually a smart trick. Who knows how many people got scammed like this.

After that, Kaito taught them the game they were supposed to play. It ended up being Kokichi and Shuichi versus the other two.

They played like that for quite some time. Perhaps a part of them wanted them to be kids again. To forget. To free their minds. To live normally.

But all of this got interrupted when the morning announcement played, with Monokuma doing his usual speech.

"I didn't realize we played that long..." Shuichi admitted.

"Perhaps we could finish this game and then prepare breakfast." Kirumi suggested.

The others agreed.

After the final game, they headed to the dining hall. Kirumi started preparing the basics, with the help of the others.

For a moment, only she and Shuichi were in the kitchen. She rummaged through one of the drawers.

"Hm?"

He turned to her. "What is it?"

"Remember, the morning after the third trial, when a knife was missing?"

He frowned. "... Yes?"

"It's back."

He looked at the set of knives, that was indeed full.

For some reason, that felt... reassuring. He didn't know why.

Perhaps it was the thought that it was back without being used that made him relax.

Once the breakfast was ready, the two went back to the dining hall.

They started eating in silence. No one had a real conversation topic, unfortunately. The deaths of their friends were still lingering on their minds.

It was easy to be distracted when they were playing cards, but eating didn't grant them the same luxury.

Shuichi perked up when the door suddenly opened, revealing Miu, looking as tired as the others. "G'morning..."

"Sup."

"Hey..."

"Hello."

"H-Hey..."

She approached them and took a seat, immediately putting her head in her palms, rubbing her eyes. "I feel like I didn't sleep at all."

Kirumi sighed. "I think that is the case for everyone here."

The street artist looked at her for a moment, like lost in thoughts.

"Is everything alright?"

She suddenly stood up, pointing at her. "Where did you get that jacket??"

The mercenary stared at her for a moment, then pointed at Kaito. "He let me borrow one since I didn't feel like putting my whole uniform on."

Her bright blue eyes immediately turned to him.

"... You want one?"

"Absolutely."

He chuckled, getting up from his chair. "Alright, alright. Back to the dorms, it is."

The two left without adding anything.

"I didn't realize Kaito's jackets were that successful." Shuichi broke the silence.

"I'll pass. I like my hoodie." Kokichi said.

"Would you like a black leather jacket, Shuichi?" Kirumi asked him, a hint of sarcasm in her voice.

"No thanks, I'm good."

They continued eating until the door opened again, this time revealing Ryoma, who instead of his striped blue and white top, had a plain white shirt.

"It's quiet in here. Not that I'm complaining."

He took a seat.

Shuichi looked at him for a moment. "Did you also decide to wear something else?"

Ryoma glanced at the three others, noticing the changes. "This shirt is more comfortable. Don't have any reason not to put it on."

He leaned back into his chair, a piece of toast in his hand. "So Kirumi got Kaito's jacket, Shuichi stopped wearing his vest and tie and Kokichi stopped with the hood, huh."

"I also saw Kaito dropping the hair gel and Miu wanting a leather jacket on my way here." he added.

Kirumi shrugged. "I don't really know why everyone decided to dress up differently today, but it's their choice. I will probably continue wearing this, though. It feels comfortable enough."

Kokichi gripped his hood. "I said I was going to try not to wear it anymore... I want to feel more open but I'm still nervous about this..."

Shuichi faintly smiled. "If you don't want to take it off right now, don't force yourself to."

"No I'll... I'll try. I want to make an effort for this."

The weapons maker shrugged. "Didn't say it as an insult. Do what you want, I'm in no position to judge."

He smiled. "Thank you, Ryoma."

As for Shuichi, it was mostly because he wasn't in the mood to put on his tie and vest at five in the morning. But now that everyone started changing their outfits, perhaps he could keep his outfit this way.

Shortly after, Kaito and Miu came back, the latter having her overall's straps dropped down and a black leather jacket covering her.

"You!" she pointed at Kokichi. "I didn't even notice you dropped the hood!"

He jumped at the accusation. "I- It's nothing, really..."

She approached him, ruffling his hair. "I'm proud of you, you know that?"

He stuttered, not knowing how to react. "I-I guess? Thank you?"

She laughed. "Don't sweat it. It's the first step!"

Looking at those two made Shuichi smile. It was like Miu adopted him. And that just seeing him make efforts to change was enough to make her happy.

They continued eating, the mood brightened up by Miu.

But something was... amiss.

The violinist looked around the room.

Someone was missing.

And it was none other than Rantaro.

The medic hadn't shown up at all.

Ryoma also seemed to have noticed this, judging by how much he glanced at the door.

"Where is he?" the violinist heard him mutter.

"You... haven't seen Rantaro since the trial?"

The smaller man must have just realized Shuichi heard him talking.

"... I told him about Keebo yesterday. But he refused to talk any further, saying he had 'stuff to think about'."

Right after an emotionally exhausting trial... Does this guy ever take breaks?

"I'm just hoping he managed to calm himself down." Ryoma sighed.

As if on cue, the door opened.

Shuichi felt his heart skip a beat when Rantaro came into view.

If the others looked tired, this was nothing compared to him.

His hair was messy, he had rather huge eyebags and his gaze felt devoid of life.

He looked terrible, to say the least.

The others turned to him, all visibly worried.

He didn't even pay attention to them and started walking towards the kitchen.

Was he limping?

The others exchanged concerned glances. Miu stood up and followed him.

Shuichi could barely hear Miu's voice. Rantaro didn't talk, judging by the pitch of the voices. Miu sounded panicked.

Shortly after, he came back to the dining hall with a thermostat, not even glancing at anyone else, simply heading to the door.

"Rantaro, please just-" Miu got back to the room.

The medic stopped, his back turned to the rest of them.

"What... Is going on with you?" her voice cracked.

He stayed silent for a moment. All eyes on him.

"... I'm fine. I'll join you guys later."

Ryoma pushed back his chair and stood up. "Rantaro, please don't go down that path. I'm begging you."

He paused for a moment. "... I. am. fine."

"You're shaking." Kirumi added. "You don't sound nor look fine."

He stared at his empty hand for a moment, clearly shivering like a leaf.

Miu took a step forward. "Ran-

* S L A M *

He suddenly punched the wall, startling everyone.

"... I said I'm fine, didn't I? I'll join you guys when we'll have to explore the new places."

He left the room without a word, leaving the others in awe.

Miu was in shock. She looked like she was holding back tears. "What... What happened to him...? I-I can't..."

Ryoma was staring at the now closed door. "... This isn't like him. At all."

Shuichi quietly glanced at Kirumi, who did the same.

They would have to ask him a lot of questions.

"D-Did he tell you anything in the kitchen?" Kokichi hesitantly asked.

The street artist shook her head. "No, he just... He just poured a litter of coffee into a thermostat, added about ten sugar cubes, and left."

She put both of her hands on her mouth. "What... What happened...?"

No one knew. They had never seen him like this.

Yesterday's trial was already hard for him, they all had thought he would get better by the morning, but...

... That was not the case. If anything, he was in an even worse state than before.

The mood had severely dropped.

Shuichi looked back at his toast. He didn't know what to say. What to do. What to think.

The deafening silence was strengthening the heavy atmosphere.

He wanted to puke.

But of course, that was the moment Monokuma and his green monokub chose to pop up.

"Sheesh! What a mood!"

He didn't even have the strength to argue. Even less than when he saw him in the main hallway earlier.

"Get out." Miu spat.

"My! My! That isn't a way to talk to-

"GET OUT!!"

She threw a glass at him full force, tears in her eyes, but missed her target.

The sound of broken glass echoed through the room as it exploded on the floor.

"It's your fault everyone is like this! It's your fault everyone is turning crazy! Just fucking get out of my sight already!"

"Oh~ You should know violence against the headmaster is prohi-

"I don't care anymore!"

Shuichi's eyes widened.

"I don't care if it's against the rules! I'm sick of you and your bullshit! We've been watching you torment us over, and over, and over again, is that not enough for you??"

"I don't..."

She fell to her knees.

"I don't care anymore, just..."

"... Just get out."

The room fell silent.

Even Monokuma looked like he was thinking his words through.

"... You kids don't even have a sense of humor anymore! I'm not even entertained at this point. Plus, I have better businesses to attend to!"

He left, surprisingly enough.

Monodam, however, kept staring at the girl.

"..."

"HERE-ARE-YOUR-PRIZES. THIS-ONE-IS-THE-LAST-REAL-KEY. AND-THIS-ONE-IS-THE-REAL-LAST-KEY.*"

He put two keys on the table. One looked futuristic, one traditional.

Before they could object to anything, the second bear left.

Kaito stood up and approached Miu, gesturing to them that perhaps they should be left alone for now.

Everyone was on the verge of losing it, whether they were showing it or not.

Shuichi grabbed the keys and the rest of them left the dining hall.

Now it was just Ryoma, Kokichi, Kirumi, and himself.

"Do we... start the investigation?"

Kirumi thought for a moment. "Perhaps it would be for the best."

"Before that, I want to check on Rantaro." Ryoma declared. "There's no way I'm leaving him alone right now."

He nodded. Even if the bare thought of looking at him hurt, they had to, for his sake. As payment for all the times he helped them.

The four started making their way to the third floor, where Rantaro's lab was. According to Ryoma, this was the most plausible place for him to be.

"Stay behind, I don't think the four of us entering will do any good."

They all kept their distance from the lab.

Shuichi heard Ryoma knocking.

After a few seconds, the door opened. He actually hoped to get a grasp on the situation but realized eavesdropping on the conversation would not be possible as Ryoma closed the door behind him.

They could only wait.

Shuichi started examining the keys to distract himself. But every single one of his thoughts was plagued by the current state of the medic.

He was the first person he met in the killing game after stepping out of the locker.

He was the one to help Shuichi calm down at rough times, the one to give advice.

He was the one who gave them the greatest clues during the trials.

He was the one suggesting the best strategies possible to get through the motives.

But the more they went through this killing game, the more his vision of him was tainted by madness.

...

He missed the old Rantaro, if he ever existed. Even if it was just a facade, he missed it.

Shuichi felt a hand on his shoulder. He looked up to see Kirumi. Ryoma and Rantaro had joined them and they were ready to go.

"... Are you okay?"

He nodded.

They made their way to the fifth floor, upon Ryoma's request. He had insisted to go there since there was a chance his lab opened.

The walk in the large corridors was silent, their footsteps echoing through the room.

Shuichi glanced at Rantaro. He seemed to have calmed down a bit but the tiredness on his face still showed.

They approached the door, which of course had a lock.

The violinist inspected the keys to see which one looked more appropriate, then handed the traditional key to Ryoma.

"Thanks."

He turned it to unlock the door.

When he pushed it, the lab was finally in view.

It looked like an ancient military warehouse, with an appearance very different from the one of the first floor. This one had giant wooden boxes in some places, and by looking at the ceiling, he noticed several crane hooks hanged up by iron chains.

The light from the bulbs was faint, but still enough for them to see most of the lab. It was even bigger than any other, actually. They started going around to explore, and finally noticed the part in the back, behind the boxes. It had a giant workbench with an important amount of tools.

This was definitely Ryoma's lab.

The two soldiers approached the workbench.

"Think you can do stuff with this?" Rantaro asked.

"Absolutely. I just need the materials, but I'm guessing that's what those boxes are for."

Kirumi approached one of them. However, no opening was visible. "And how are you supposed to open this?"

Ryoma looked around. He approached what seemed to be a control panel. He pressed a button and the machine came to life.

He paused for a moment, then started pressing several other buttons.

Shuichi looked behind him, and from what he understood, the panel controlled the cranes. However, Ryoma didn't look like he wanted to grab something. He positioned the hook next to a box, almost on the floor.

He approached the chain and to Shuichi's surprise, climbed it up with extreme agility. He made his way to the top of a box with relative ease.

Ryoma inspected the box from above, and after some rummaging the violinist couldn't see quite well, he saw him disappearing into the container.

He came back a few seconds after with a bunch of wires.

"Figured it was something like that."

He put them back and climbed down the chain.

"There's a trap above the box to access the materials. I'll have to investigate further but since those boxes are labeled it should be fine."

... The box with the label "DANGER" on it definitely didn't sound safe, though.

What kind of materials was he working with?

Actually, since he was a military engineer, it was quite normal he worked with dangerous materials.

He thought for a moment. "... I'll probably have to fetch Kaito so I can repair his leg properly. I got the proper tools, now."

"Do you want me to bring him here?" Kirumi asked.

"If you guys are fine investigating the rest by yourselves, then sure."

Shuichi glanced at Rantaro, who didn't seem to react at first. "... I'm fine with it."

Ryoma looked at the others for a moment. "Tell him I'll be waiting here."

The group started making their way out.

The walk was silent until Miu and Kaito themselves showed up. The street artist seemed to have calmed down a bit, but she visibly perked up when she saw Rantaro.

Kirumi didn't waste any time. "Ryoma is waiting for you on the fifth floor to repair your leg. The rest of us will explore what's left."

"Oh, his lab opened? Neat!"

Miu tapped him on the shoulder. "I'll see ya later, alright?"

He gave her a thumbs-up as he made his way to the fifth floor.

The others continued climbing down the stairs to the first floor.

"... I need to check something." Rantaro said as he walked through the corridors.

The rest of them glanced at each other for a moment before deciding to follow him.

He had stopped in front of a door in the hallway in the back, decorated with black and white squares.

The door actually opened with a simple pull, unlike every other time they tried to.

They walked through a corridor before their eyes landed on a spiral staircase. Shuichi looked up to see that the top probably reached above the fifth floor.

"... That's going to be a long way." Kirumi sighed.

But they had to.

Climbing up the stairs was a bit exhausting to him, but then realized neither Rantaro, Kirumi nor Kokichi complained.

... Good thing Kaito wasn't there with them.

After what felt like an eternity, they reached the top of the staircase.

Kokichi's eyes widened when he looked at the door in front of him. It was decorated with stars and planets.

This was Himiko's lab.

He glanced at him for a moment. "Do you... Are you sure you want to go?"

The boy took a deep breath. "... Yes."

Rantaro opened the door.

The lab was quite impressive. There were different machines and desks on the sides, and what looked like a giant telescope in the middle. The lab had an almost magical atmosphere. The black floor had some small white spots emitting light. The walls on the sides looked either grey or white. Shuichi didn't know since it was quite dark in here.

But the most impressive was the dome above. Even if it didn't have any pattern on it, just looking at the metal structure was enough to leave him in awe.

Kokichi approached the telescope. But that's when they realized the footsteps he left emitted a white light for a moment before disappearing. That was actually a really nice touch.

Shuichi tried it for himself. This lab was truly fantastic.

Kirumi went to one side and pressed a button on the wall, which was actually the one turning the lights on.

He realized the walls were indeed white as everything came to view.

This was less impressive this way, but still let them appreciate the room in its entirety.

The mercenary pressed another button, and this time the dome above them slowly opened, revealing the bright blue sky.

Shuichi approached the telescope as well. He didn't have any knowledge of how to use it. No one did, unfortunately.

Looking at the room, he immediately understood why Himiko was so fascinated by astronomy.

But she wasn't there to enjoy it, unfortunately. She would have loved it for sure.

"Kokichi."

Rantaro's voice called the small boy.

"Do you wish to be alone for now?"

The smaller boy stayed silent for a moment. "... Yes, please."

"I'll join you guys later if you find something else but... I want to stay here for a while."

Kokichi didn't look upset. Just pensive.

Perhaps it was better to leave him be for now.

"Alright, just tell us if something's wrong, okay?" Miu grinned at him.

He looked at her for a moment, then glanced away. "Actually... Can you... stay too, please?"

She blinked a few times, surprised. "Sure, of course!"

The street artist glanced at the other three. Shuichi smiled as he made his way out with the two others.

The young woman closed the door behind her.

Now it was just him, Rantaro, and Kirumi.

"Let's go."

Rantaro didn't waste any time and immediately started climbing down the stairs.

The walk was silent, Shuichi was making sure he didn't trip down.

After reaching the first floor, Kirumi spoke up. "Rantaro, I do not wish to force you to do anything, but Ryoma is right. Going down the path of isolation is not going to help you."

He quickly glanced back at her. "I told you I'm fine, didn't I? Besides now is not the time. We have an academy to explore, we have to find out who killed Keebo, we have to defeat the mastermind, we have to get out of here-

"Calm down for a minute, alright? You're one of us, Rantaro. Not some kind of pawn to use however we like."

"You think I got a goddamn choice?" he stopped, approaching the mercenary, staring at her with his now signature glare. "We've lost way too much time doing nothing. If we continue like this there's gonna be none of us left. You saw how easy it is for the mastermind to manipulate one of us into killing, right? I don't want to take more time and risks. We've been through enough."

"That's not the point, we'll not ever get out if we don't think rationally. For now, there are issues you need to address, and that's coming from me."

"You're missing the real problem here." He looked at her dead in the eyes. "I swore to myself that I would get you guys out of here. And if I see one more person dying, I'll never forgive myself for this. So at least let me do the one thing I was supposed to do in this cursed academy."

"If I can't save anyone from this absurd war, then I have no right to call myself a soldier, and I have even less the right to call myself Rantaro Amami, ultimate war medic."

She paused for a moment, the two pairs of green eyes intensely looking at each other.

"Soldier or not, you are no less human than any of us, Rantaro."

"If I'm no soldier, if I can't even accomplish that one damn task, then I'm nothing. I have a duty, and if you got a problem with that, you can give me the key so I can look around for myself."

Shuichi's grip on the item strengthened.

The two stared at him. He didn't know what to do. He was frozen in place.

"I-I..."

The words were stuck in his throat.

"L-Let's just look around together like we first planned to...?"

He was bad at this. He cringed at his own reaction.

"Then let's just go."

Rantaro started walking away.

Shuichi felt guilty. But he had no clue what to say.

When he was far enough, Kirumi turned to him. "... I don't know why he started acting like this all of a sudden, but that's not something I'll turn my back to. We'll have to tell Ryoma about this and ask him for explanations."

"... Agreed."

Just when the two started to move, Rantaro went back to get them. "... I thought you two were following me."

"We're coming."

They got out of the building since there was nothing left to see here. Perhaps another one opened?

They went outside and started walking towards the set of stairs.

Shuichi saw Rantaro reaching for something in his inner pockets and put it in the ones on the outside. He took off his jacket and wrapped it around his waist. He also rolled up the sleeves of his white shirt.

He had never noticed it before, but Rantaro did have scars on his arms. They didn't look like clean cuts, more like old serious injuries.

Rantaro didn't seem to care as he continued walking.

He saw Kirumi narrowing her eyes. She was paying close attention to him.

After going down the stairs, Rantaro's eyes landed on the giant grey building on the right.

Maybe that was the one needing to be opened? There was what looked like one of the locks from the previous motive next to it, but different. A blue keyhole symbol was cut on it. Maybe that's where the second key belonged.

The moment he put the key, the building made a strange noise.

"... Is it open, now?" He asked.

Kirumi approached the door and pushed it. It opened, just like he thought.

The trio entered the building. It had a sci-fi vibe to it. Both futuristic and abandoned.

The corridors were empty. It didn't look like anything was worth looking at, so they continued walking.

They noticed a room that didn't look any different from the corridors. It looked like it had three empty spaces in the walls, giving the room a strange shape. But nothing was worth inspecting here.

They left the room to continue walking through the corridors.

They reached an intersection. The left side was a dead end, but they noticed something odd. There was a small window here.

Kirumi stepped on the pipe to get a better look. "There's a bathroom in here."

"A bathroom?"

He stepped forward to look and it was indeed a futuristic-looking bathroom. Strange.

The window was way too small for them to pass anything but their heads. Ryoma probably could try to pass through it, but they were not sure about whether or not this would work.

They went the other way, hoping they would see something more interesting.

The three of them finally reached the end of the corridor, but what awaited them was a huge shutter, blocking the access to what was supposedly behind.

Kirumi narrowed her eyes. "I have a bad feeling about this. We should be careful."

Rantaro carefully approached the shutter, but the moment he was a tiny bit too close to the door, an alarm started ringing.

Shuichi slammed his hands against his ears. Sometimes he regretted having better hearing.

"W-What's going on?"

Rantaro walked away from the shutter, his also on his ears.

Monokuma appeared right after. "Oh my! Tsk, tsk, tsk! Don't you go setting off the alarm now! C'mon, c'mon, outta the way so I can turn off that alarm."

After a moment, the noise finally stopped.

"Geez! You guys gotta be more careful!"

Kirumi glared at him. "Explain yourself."

Monokuma proceeded to talk about the mechanism of the door, and how that area had to be secured. There was also a digital code that was too long to remember, but he let them go inside anyway.

Although they didn't know what was the point of visiting this room if they couldn't ever come back here.

But when they entered, their eyes immediately landed on what was on the left.

The five exisals were here, sitting in the room.

"T-The exisals??"

Rantaro immediately took a scalpel and a pair of scissors out from the pockets of his jacket, on guard, and his eyes locked on the exisals. "I'm not letting them act twice."

Kirumi raised a hand. "Calm down. They do not look active."

Shuichi didn't know if he should feel terrified or reassured these two had weapons on them at all times.

At that moment, Monokuma joined them once again.

"Ah-hahaha! Surprised? This is actually the Exisal hangar! Yep, this is where the Exisals are stored!"

That... made sense, considering what this place looked like.

"But..." he sighed. "It's almost pointless now."

Rantaro bitterly chuckled. "What, because you have only one of your minions left so you can't control them anymore?"

The black and white bear started sweating, somehow. "What!? No one can control them anymore!?"

"So he's right." Kirumi narrowed her eyes at him.

"Oh, don't worry about my reaction just now. I thought a somewhat over-the-top reaction would put you guys on the defensive."

The two pairs of green eyes glared at him.

"W-Whatever, have fun visiting!"

He left without another word.

Rantaro put the medical tools back into his pockets. However, Shuichi noticed something odd.

There was a faint pink stain on the scalpel.

"Rantaro, could you please take back the scalpel you just put in your pocket?" the mercenary eyed him.

"Hm?"

"The scalpel."

He sighed as he took it out.

"That's blood, isn't it?"

"... I was treating an injury and forgot to wash it. No big deal."

Kirumi wasn't buying it. Neither was Shuichi.

"Go on. What was the injury?"

He stayed silent for a moment.

"... None of your business. Besides we have this room to explore." he put the scalpel away.

"You're not getting away that easily. Who did you use that on."

"Myself, sheesh! Will you quit it already??"

"Then prove it!" The mercenary yelled. "At least prove to us you did use it for medical purposes!"

It was the first time he had heard Kirumi lose her calm. Shuichi felt chills just hearing her.

"You want me to prove it? Fine."

To both's surprise, he started taking his shirt off.

"What are you-"

But before any of them could protest, he was already bare chest, shirt in his hand.

"I got an old scar that reopened and I had to take care of it. Is that enough for you??"

The two stared at him in awe. Shuichi had never seen a wound that horrible.

He had more scars on his arms than he thought. But more importantly, the one on his chest made him shiver. The stitches looked almost hastily put back on, but if Rantaro did it himself then perhaps it was normal.

There was a long silence between them.

After glancing a few times between the two, the medic finally put his shirt back on.

"As I was saying, we have this place to explore. Let's just see if something is worth investigating here."

He turned his back on them and approached what looked like a giant hydraulic press.

Kirumi and Shuichi glanced at each other.

It was the look that meant "We'll talk about it later."

The violinist approached the exisals. They were unmoving, but that was to be expected since only one of the cubs remained.

... Perhaps now they were less of a danger than they were at the beginning.

Even if the hangar was almost pointless for Monokuma now, why would he give them access to those exisals?

His thoughts were interrupted when he heard Kirumi trying to handle one of the machines.

"W-What are you doing?"

She turned to him. "I want to see if they're usable for us."

However, she was unable to even open the thing.

Which meant that plan was out of the window.

There was also a washing machine and a spray painter for the exisals, from what they had guessed.

... If they had the possibility to move the exisals, then Miu would have had fun with this, probably.

Shuichi turned to Rantaro, who was inspecting the safety notice of the hydraulic press.

Apparently, there was a safety function forbidding from fully going down when a living organism was on it.

But then again, it wasn't like they were ever going to use it.

As Rantaro went to inspect the exisals, Shuichi went to the door in the back. Perhaps something interesting was in there?

After opening the door, he realized that...

... It was only the bathroom they had seen from the window in the corridor.

Why even have a bathroom here? It wasn't like the bear could use it. And they were probably not going to be in this room ever again.

So it was useless for absolutely everyone.

Great.

Since there was nothing else to investigate, they left.

Now that he thought about it, they hadn't seen any flashback lights.

Was it normal?

Either way, the only thing they could do was to go back to the main building and tell the others about their discovery, even though now it was pretty useless.

The walk was as silent as ever, none of them in the mood to talk.

But both the mercenary and the violinist knew they had to inform Ryoma about how Rantaro acted.

They went back to the dining hall. Only Miu and Kokichi were here.

"Oh- did you guys discover anything?" the street artist asked, trying to hide her obvious nervousness.

"Perhaps we should wait until Ryoma and Kaito come back?" Shuichi suggested.

She paused. "Hm... I don't even know how much time it will take for Ryoma to repair Kaito's leg... And it's not like he can walk four sets of stairs without it."

Good point.

"At least for now we should just give them a quick sum-up of what we found." Kirumi added.

They explained everything they had discovered in the exisal hangar, but that it would be pretty useless for them since a code was needed to enter, that they had no possible way to remember.

Miu was rather disappointed not to be able to paint the exisals. According to her, it would have been quite an experience.

Since it was almost noon, Miu and Kirumi decided to prepare lunch.

Kokichi joined them as well.

Now it was just him and Rantaro, sitting in uncomfortable silence.

"Do you... Wanna check on Ryoma and Kaito?" he suggested.

Rantaro stood up. "Sure."

After telling the kitchen trio, the two made their way to the fifth floor.

Shuichi wanted to say something. He was never the best at comforting, but he could still try.

"H-Hey..."

The medic briefly turned around. "Hm?"

"I uh..." He trailed off. "I... didn't know you had those scars... I'm sorry if we made you uncomfortable back then."

He was silent for a moment. "... It's fine. Those are old scars. I don't pay attention to them anymore."

That was clearly a lie.

"Please just... I know you probably don't want to talk to me about it but... You're friends with Ryoma, right? He doesn't think any less of you because of the trial... I know he'll talk to you if you ask him."

The violinist saw him narrowing his eyes a bit. "... I'll think about it."

So that was the best he could get out of him.

They reached the lab and Shuichi knocked on the door before entering.

The two made their way to the back. Kaito was sitting on one of the wooden boxes, watching Ryoma working on the prosthetic leg.

"Oh, hey there."

Ryoma perked his head up, taking off his safety glasses. "You're back."

"We wanted to check on you both... How is work going?" Shuichi asked.

He took the prosthetic leg in his hands. "I'm almost done. It wasn't exactly a hard task, it just took time for me to identify the correct materials and get them. It isn't easy when your partner is a one-legged man."

Kaito groaned. "Sorry, sorry... I can't exactly help it, y'know?"

"Never said you could."

The three stayed there as Ryoma kept working.

After some time, he was finally done.

"Here. I did my best."

Kaito examined the leg. "It's as good as new! Thanks!"

The weapons maker snickered. "Don't sweat it. Just don't get another spear or something in the leg, okay?"

He laughed. "I'll try, I'll try."

Kaito put his leg back on and the four finally left the lab to go back to the dining hall.

The three had just finished preparing lunch.

It was nice to eat a real meal after days of bland rice and crackers.

They ate in silence since there was no possible way to make a nice conversation. The atmosphere was tense, Shuichi could sense it.

"So... No flashback light this time?" Kokichi hesitantly asked.

Miu hummed. "That's odd... Monokuma always gives us one after a trial..."

Kirumi sighed. "So we're no further ahead, then."

Too bad. They thought they could at least get a better idea of what was going on, where they were, why they were here, but Monokuma decided not to help them.

Was it because they already knew too much?

After all, they learned that Kaito was not Keebo's killer, they had Tsumugi's notebook to read, Kiyo's notebook would perhaps give him more information on the others...

Was there enough information in there for them to figure out the rest?

He would have to take a look at the notebooks, then.

But right now, he just felt tired.

He wanted to be alone.

After that, everyone parted their ways, agreeing to investigate the rest when they would be in a better mental state.

Kokichi wanted to go back to Himiko's lab, alone this time.

Miu and Kaito were together in the street artist's lab.

Kirumi was not in the mood to be with anyone, which was more than understandable.

And to his relief, Ryoma and Rantaro were hanging out together.

Shuichi didn't know what to do. He simply felt tired from this morning's events.

... Perhaps he could try to get some rest.

He went back to his room and laid on his bed.

He closed his eyes, desperately hoping that he would not be haunted by nightmarish visions this time.

...

5 PM.

Shuichi slowly opened his eyes. He had managed to sleep peacefully, for once.

He sat up, rubbing his face.

Taking a look at his monopad, he tried to see where everyone was.

Ryoma and Rantaro had moved to the casino, for some reason.

Kokichi was still in Himiko's lab.

As for Kirumi, Kaito, and Miu, they were all in the street artist's lab.

... Perhaps he could try to talk to Kokichi. He hadn't spoken to him alone for a long time.

Hopefully, he would accept his visit.

After getting to the astronomer's lab and climbing the huge amount of steps, he knocked on the door.

A few moments later, Kokichi opened. "Shuichi?"

He didn't look mad, thankfully.

"Do you mind if I come in?"

Kokichi nodded as he let the violinist into the lab.

There were open books and papers scattered around the telescope.

"What were you doing?" he asked.

Kokichi reached for one of the books. "I wanted to see what got Himiko so passionate about space... Miu told me I could try to read some books about astronomy, and now I'm trying to look at the stars and constellations."

Carrying Himiko's legacy... That was a nice thought.

"But to be honest... There's something I'm trying to do, but it will take time, I think."

"What is it?"

He took a piece of paper. "I'm trying to retrace what I can find with the telescope, the constellations visible from here and everything. But more importantly..."

He narrowed his eyes at the sky map from one of the books.

"... I'm trying to figure out where we are on this planet."

Shuichi's eyes widened. That was actually a smart idea. Considering how there was a possibility they were thousands of kilometers away from their home, using the stars as a way to locate themselves was a great plan.

"For now I'm mostly trying to figure out how this telescope works... But if I do manage to use it there's a possibility we figure out where we are and which season we are currently in!"

Shuichi grinned. "That's great! I don't know much about astronomy but if it can help us then I'm all for it."

Kokichi smiled, but he quickly dropped it. "T-Thanks... Although I'm sure Himiko would have gladly done it instead of me..."

The violinist put a hand on his shoulder. "I'm sure Himiko would have been proud to see you getting interested in astronomy."

"... Maybe you're right."

The two tried to understand how the telescope worked.

Kokichi was reading one of the manuals while Shuichi tried to move the machine.

It took them a while, but after some time they managed to completely figure out the telescope's basic aspects.

But looking at the time on the clock, perhaps it was better to just go downstairs for now.

That may have been a small step for them, but that could be one giant leap for the group.

The two went back to the first floor. The trio that was in the street artist's lab was now preparing dinner.

"Oh, hey there!" Miu called them.

Shuichi approached the group. "What are you guys preparing?"

"The classic beef ramen, baby!" Kaito exclaimed. "... It's the only recipe I know."

He giggled. "Do you guys need any help?"

"Eh, just set the table. It's not like you can do much right now." Miu shrugged.

The two did as told. While they were doing so, the other two boys came in as well.

They ate in silence. Kokichi explained his plan to find their location, and that he would perhaps try this evening.

Shuichi thought about the two notebooks. He didn't have the energy to read them, but he would surely have to do so at some point.

But just as they were about to leave, the screen of the monitor turned on.

"Ahem! This is a school announcement!"

The others turned to the screen, showing Monokuma stirring a glass.

"Everyone, please gather at the gym immediately!"

They all looked at each other.

What kind of announcement did Monokuma want to make?

They made their way here, Shuichi's heart pounding in his chest.

When everyone arrived, the bear wasn't there.

"... Where is he?" Kaito asked.

As if on cue, the black and white robot popped up, along with his green cub.

"My, my! I have waited wayyy too long for you guys to show up! Don't ever make your headmaster wait that much ever again!"

Miu rolled her eyes. "We are the ones who waited for you, though."

"Cut that shit out." Rantaro took a step forward. "What do you want from us?"

The bear pouted. "Quit being so impatient! Besides..."

He took a look at all of them. "Who told you that you were allowed not to wear your uniforms properly??"

Ryoma shrugged. "Not in the rules, chief."

His passive tone almost made Shuichi snicker.

The bear grunted. "Whatever. I'm here to give you what you all have been waiting for!"

Kokichi raised an eyebrow. "The flashback light?"

"No." Rantaro interrupted him. "If he wanted to give us a flashback light, he would have done so during the explorations."

"Oh~ Perspective, aren't we?" Monokuma put his paws on his mouth. "You are right! There's no flashback light this time!"

"I reunited all of you here to announce the new motive!"

Huh? Already? Monokuma always waited the day after the explorations to announce the new motive. Why the sudden change?

"You see, I was planning another motive, but I am going to put it aside for now. I mean, someone gave me an excellent idea!"

Someone? Who would even give ideas to him?

"Stop the nonsense." Ryoma glared at him. "We already know who you're talking about. And I don't think he suggested you anything."

... Nope. No idea.

"Well, well. Inspired, gave me ideas, same thing!"

Kirumi crossed her arms. "I am supposing this is about Korekiyo, right?"

Shuichi turned to her. "Wh-"

"Ding ding ding! You are absolutely right!"

Korekiyo... Inspired him?

"Your dear friend had a deal with me. He had to make sure the trial went on for at least one hour, and then he was free to do whatever he wanted!"

"So I decided to give you guys the motive you all love from the bottom of your hearts..."

"... A time limit!"

What? Again? But... Why? What did it have to do with Kiyo?

"And since he made the trial last for four long hours, your time limit will be in four days!"

So that's why Kiyo kept on fighting... It was to buy them more time to end the game by themselves.

"That's right! From this moment, you have exactly 96 hours to kill the person of your choice!"

The others looked at the bear in shock.

"Soooo... Do what you want with this, but if no one is dead by the limit, consider yourselves as dead as good ol' Tsumugi!"

He flinched at those words.

And he was not the only one.

The black bear left before they could add anything, leaving the green cub alone.

"..."

"GOOD-LUCK. MAY-THE-ODDS-BE-IN-YOUR-FAVOR."

He left.

Shuichi could only stare at the spot where Monokuma was.

They had thought he wouldn't put another time limit but... They were sorely mistaken.

Did that mean it was never supposed to be the motive until Kiyo acted on his own?

What was the original motive, then?

He glanced at Rantaro, who had his fists clenched, but was silent, like deep in thought.

"... Ryoma."

The weapons maker perked up. "Yes?"

"You have more than enough materials to create whatever machine you desire, right?"

He put his hands in his pockets. "... What are you planning?"

Rantaro let out a chuckle. "Isn't it obvious?"

"We're getting out of here."

Shuichi perked up. The only way to get out was through the...

... Death road of ...

...

That... That was his plan?

To create weapons to go through the death road of despair?

"You want me to create the proper equipment to go through the tunnels?"

"Exactly."

They now had the engineer's lab open, and all the possibilities with it.

Now was their chance. They could do it.

They could escape.

"Wait, wait, wait..." Miu approached Rantaro. "You want us to go through the death road of despair, again?"

"That's our only solution." he replied. "If we can disable the traps in the tunnels, we can get out."

"R-Really??" Kaito exclaimed. "So we actually have a chance?"

"Listen well."

Rantaro raised his voice, stepping forward to make sure everyone could see him.

"Tonight, Ryoma will be making the equipment for the tunnels. I will be preparing medical stuff for if things go wrong."

"If we can get through the tunnels, we can get out of this place for good."

"I'm gonna have to ask you to get some food and water just in case we need it outside."

"We're in the endgame now. If this mission succeeds, we can go back to the outside world without having to worry about a time limit nor a killing game anymore."

"I'm counting on you all. Get some rest tonight, because tomorrow, we're out."

"Did I make myself clear!?"

Shuichi could finally sense some hope. Even though Rantaro looked furious at Monokuma for reminding him about his past mistakes, he could sense his fighting spirit.

The will to end the game, growling from deep inside him.

"Alright!" Miu yelled. "It's decided! We're out!"

"Y-Yeah! We have to do this!" Kokichi added.

"It's about damn time." Kirumi sighed in relief. "The atmosphere here may have been better than before the game for me, but I'm getting tired of Monokuma's nonsense."

"Then we'll fight! We're going to make it!" Kaito exclaimed.

Shuichi was impressed by everyone's sudden will to fight. "Then I'll fight too!"

Ryoma chuckled. "You can count on me for the weapons, boss. It's nice to see the fighting spirit of our medic."

Rantaro looked at them, a determined look on his face.

A determination that was filled with the rage accumulated these past two weeks.

A determination fueled by the shining hope, rising from deep inside their hearts.

"... Let's do this."

The group separated. Ryoma went to his lab, Rantaro went to his own and Miu volunteered to get the food from the dining hall.

They were going to get out of here.

For Gonta. For Tenko. For Kaede. For Maki. For Himiko. For Keebo. For Angie. For Tsumugi. And for Korekiyo.

Tomorrow would be a big day.

The day where this killing game ends.

#ndrv3 #danganronpa v3 #ndrv3 au #beta au #main story

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simplyannamazing · 4 years ago

Text

TAKE CHARGE

14 April 2021

“Why do all good things come to an end”, one writer asked. So we can begin anew,

“TO GROW” ...

“Indeed I grew wiser, stronger, balanced than the year before. I have more energy to take charge of my life. With new attitude to take on each day one at a time”. AFH

HERSENZ ... Reminded me again that no man is an island.

Finding people who share the same burden, put them together in a group and they will thrive.

For the past 9 months, we tackled all the aspects of our being, We are all flawed, our character and personalities were tested, our emotions, our energy levels, what’s daunting to us, what we can still do, what our dreams and aspirations are ...

Working with our therapists, we begin to understand our lives from a different perspective! As we share, we learn to appreciate each other’s handicap. As we face challenges and testing, we become aware of the bond between us.

Our lives are forever intertwined by this VRIENDSCHAP. That it will never be the same again.

What an incredible ride this has been for me! This journey made it all worthwhile.

They will flourish because we inspire, and motivate each other.

MONDAY was my last therapy with Marlieke for Cognitive Rehabilitation. There’s plenty to celebrate ... but first let me say hoorah for the achievement🎊 🥳🎉!

FIRST TIME in my life that I made no excuse NOT to be in class week after week. Even if I don’t have enough sleep, energy or even if my spoken Dutch is not good all the time.

I AM SO PROUD OF MYSELF despite the odds I manage to show up every time.

“Sometimes what we never expected or wanted turns out to be what we need”.

The last day of therapy in Hersenz with our group ~ Forever grateful to my Three Stooges (group mates, sorry guys!), who worked hard in their own way to find healing, acceptance, and independence. We are always fighting our own battles with BRAIN INJURY ... AN INJURY THAT ONLY FEW PEOPLE UNDERSTAND!

Wat neem je me?

PRET and Stop-Denk-Doe are my go-to words. I will take all the positive lessons and experiences that made me realize I’m not alone in my struggle.

~~ I am no less or greater than anyone else~~

My Thoughts:

~~ Life as we know it has to go on ... but ONE STEP AT A TIME!

Before I take my much-needed break, I want you all to remember these words:

If you put your heart and soul into the things you do with a little effort, YOU WILL EVENTUALLY SUCCEED!

BREATHE ... RELAX ... EXHALE ... LET GO of the things you cannot control ... and just live right now in the moment.

Make yourself a PRIORITY. You can be concerned with others but mind your own needs first. You are enough and you do your best ... as one friend said ...

IK BEN TROTS OP MEZELF!!!

#braininjury #keeppushingforward #stroke #on the way to recovery #struggle is real #take charge of your life #my wish and hope for all my friends #Gerard #Alwin #Martin #our therapists

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pandawritespoorly · 5 years ago

Text

With Time: Chapter 12 - Coolest Dad

Author’s Note: Double update, like I said! I'll be back Saturday as usual, though. Reference slide for akuma here!

Chapter Summary: Ladybug deals with an akuma at Marinette's new school.

First | Previous | Saturday

Marinette woke up much later than normal. She could immediately tell that her fever had gone down some. Her memories of the day before were hazy at best, but she was pretty sure Allan, Claude, Allegra, Felix, and Adrien had come over. Maybe Chat Noir too?

Her parents had clearly decided to allow her to stay home from school, which was probably for the best. She sat up, drawing the attention of her Kwami.

“Marinette! You’re awake! How are you feeling?” Tikki flitted up to her face.

“Uh, a little tired? But I think that’s just from the cold…”

Tikki handed her a thermometer so she could check her temperature. As they waited for the reading, Tikki crossed her arms and looked at her disapprovingly, “Marinette, you overworked yourself on Saturday. You probably gave yourself a fever. You have to take care of yourself more!”

The thermometer beeped and Marinette looked at it, 37.7 (100℉). Her fever wasn’t as serious now. That and the heaters that seemed to have been set up probably contributed to the fact that she is lucid now.

When did the heaters get set up?

“Speaking of taking care of yourself…” Tikki draws the girls attention back to her, “Chat Noir told me what you said when you got hit.” Her voice is serious.

“W-what did I say…” How much of a disappointment did she end up being?

“A bunch of nonsense, that’s what! Marinette you are a wonderful and talented girl who deserves every opportunity you’ve gotten! How long have you felt like this?”

“L-like what?”

“Oh Marinette. You called yourself useless. You said all your old friends treated you the way you deserve and are right to hate you. That’s not okay Marinette.”

“O-oh.” Marinette had been dedicated the past few weeks to committing those things into her mind as fact. Tikki might as well have been trying to convince her that 2+2=5. Something just doesn’t add up. “But-”

“Marinette. None of that is true. None of it. I think you should talk to someone.”

“But they can’t know about Ladybug…”

“You still need help.”

“It feels wrong to keep something like that from a therapist. They’re supposed to know everything right? I don’t like the feeling of it…”

“Alright. If you don’t feel comfortable with therapy at least speak to your friends. They care about you.”

“I don’t know…”

Their conversation is interrupted when Sabine opens the trapdoor carrying a tray with a small lunch of soup and water - with some cookies because her parents have noticed her sudden hunger for the treat. Tikki hides behind a pillow.

“Hey sweetie, are you awake?”

“Yeah. Uh, what time is it?”

“Time for you to eat lunch. What’s your temperature? You were pretty out of it yesterday. Your friends were really worried about you.”

“37.7 (100℉).” Marinette accepts the tray, setting it safely on a flat surface. She hears a ‘ding’ from below. Her Maman looks over to her desk.

“Oh, you’ve got messages from your friends! Here!” She handed the phone up as well, “It’s good that your temperature has gone down. Be sure to eat!”

When she’s exited the room, Tikki floats back into view, looking at the phone, she gives Marinette a meaningful look, “You should talk to your friends!”

She floats to sit beside the bowl of soup on the tray. She munches on a cookie and watches the girl.

“Okay…” She opens her phone. There hadn’t been much activity in their group chat because it was a school day. Beneath Claude’s good morning text was another message from the actor. Another appeared just as she opened the chat.

Kid Mime: hey mari are you up yet

Kid Mime: its fine if ur not but we misssss uuuuuu

Patisserie Princess: I’m up

Kid Mime: yayyyyyy!!!!!!!!

Kid Mime: allan sayd to ask wat ur temp is

Patisserie Princess: 37.7 (100℉)

Kid Mime: thats better!

Kid Mime: hey can we facetime? Itll be easier

Kid Mime: neither of us can eat if were typin

That’s a good point. She’s got nothing against it, but maybe she should warn Tikki.

“Hey Tikki, I’m going to facetime them. Is that alright?” “It’s okay Marinette. I won’t show up on camera and they won’t be able to hear me either!”

Right. She’d forgotten about that. She nods, and starts a call. It doesn’t take long for Claude to pick up. She props her phone up so that she doesn’t have to hold it.

“Yay! Hi Mari! Alright I’m at the table now, so I’m going to prop- oh no you fell over - okay there you are!”

The camera clears as Claude moves back. She can see Felix and Allan there too, Allegra is probably still in line.

“Hi guys!” She waves at them in view of the camera.

“Hi! How are you feeling?” Allan sounds concerned, which, given what had happened last he’d seen her, made sense.

“Uh, a little better. I’ve got food, and the fever isn’t as bad as yesterday. I’m a little tired but that’s normal.”

Allegra arrives at the table halfway through her talking and waves at her when she notices the girl.

“What do you mean by that? I recall Adrien mentioned something similar yesterday, but did not have a lot of information.” Felix looks up questioningly from his lunch.

“Oh yeah. I meant to tell you guys when it became more relevant, but uh, then I kind of overworked all my stamina away? Heh. Basically, last year I got diagnosed with a ‘yet-to-be-identified’ medical condition’” She scoffs at the air-quoted words, and the others get the distinct feeling that there’s an inside joke that they’re missing, “The general gist of it is that my body tries to go into hibernation? I get hungrier in the fall and once it gets around November I get really tired - the colder and later into winter the worse it is - and forget to eat and stuff.”

The others look a little alarmed at this and she quickly adds on,”I mean, it’s really not that dangerous for me. As long as I have food I uh, generally remember. And the tiredness isn’t really a problem as long as I stay warm. I probably won’t actually hibernate unless I fall into a snowdrift or something-”

Just as she finishes speaking a school bell rings. It’s from Françoise Dupont, and it’s a reminder of the consequences of staying home today. She tenses immediately, thinking of all of her old classmates who are right there. Right across the street and heading out for lunch. They’re probably with Lila and-

“What would happen then?” Allegra’s voice draws her back. She blinks as she jolts out of her thoughts.

“W-what?” Oh, right, the snowdrift thing…”I would uh, probably just fall asleep and stay there. My parents don’t really want me to go outside alone after there’s snow on the ground.”

“Can’t blame ‘em.” Allan jumps in. So far none of them have mentioned her little ‘moment’ after the school bell. “We can keep an eye on ya’. Don’t want you to freeze.” He sounds distressed, probably at the prospect of Marinette freezing to death.

“It’s really not that likely! I’ll just be really sleepy, so I’ll probably fall asleep on at least one of you by the time winter is over - whichever of you is the warmest in the room. Sorry in advance?” She says the last part sheepishly and shrugs apologetically. She hates to think that she’ll be such a bother to them, but there isn’t much she can do. She’ll try her best to avoid it.

“It’s all good! As long as you’re not in any danger, we don’t mind!” Allan speaks again and the rest nod in agreement.

“Mariiiiii! You haven’t been eating!” Claude calls her out as he swallows some of his own food.

She smiles in apology as she brings her tray into her lap. She can see that, as Tikki reminded her, the Kwami doesn’t show up on camera. Her phone dings as she sits back. Squinting at it as she reads, she flips it away.

“Adrien says he can’t get away, so he won’t be joining us. Uh, do you guys still need his number?” She looks at them questioningly as she starts on her soup.

“Nope!” Claude chirps, “I got it yesterday!” The others give him some odd looks, but she brushes them off. It probably doesn’t matter.

“Yeah, sorry about yesterday. I don’t really remember much. I know you guys came over - I think?”

“Yeah, Adrien thought we should check on you because it was November, and when we got to your place you were pretty out-of-it.”

“You didn’t like we were interrupting your sleep, it took some convincing to get you to actually drink something.”

“Are the heaters set up now? I recall that we did not do so because Allan feared it may cause you to be too hot.”

She nods, though she isn’t entirely sure when that happened. Maybe her parents? Her fevered mind clearly didn’t think it was important enough information to remember.

Their conversation continues as they all eat theirs lunches together. After a little bit she starts to droop. It’s a clear reminder that she isn’t entirely recovered, and that winter is on it’s way.

She doesn’t plan on saying anything because it would be rude to cut off the conversation. Marinette tries her best to seem alert, but the others aren’t fooled.

“‘Nettie, you doin’ okay? You’re looking a little sleepy there.” Allan smiles at her, cocking his head.

She shrugs and any words she was going to say get cut off by a yawn. She blushes.

“We’re going to let you go now. You need some rest.” Allegra flutters her fingers at the camera.

“Rest well my priceless pigtailed pal!” The group waves as the call ends.

Tikki floats up to her,”Marinette, I know you’re tired but you can’t sleep with the tray on your lap.”

“...right” She moves it safely away before she lays down again. It doesn’t take long for her to doze off.

---

Marinette manages to arrive at school the next day at a reasonable time. She gets to their regular spot in the library and lays her head on the table. The only problem with so many heaters in her room is that it makes the outside seem that much colder, especially when she’s still got a (very) slight fever. She isn’t in her heaviest winter gear because she doesn’t want to seem weird and it’s only November anyways, she’ll manage. Her mom gave her a doctor’s note to show all her teachers to remind them of her ‘condition’.

Honestly the most annoying part of it not being that cold is that she feels tired, but she isn’t sleepy to the point where she can actually sleep. She just feels like she didn’t get enough sleep, even though she spent plenty of yesterday resting.

“Oh my good golly gosh, did Marinette beat us to school?” She hears Claude as he approaches the table and forces herself up to look at him.

“Hi guys.” She can’t muster up the energy to add in the appropriate excitement. Maybe they won’t hate her if she’s still friendly. They put up with her through September…

“How are ya’? I wasn’t sure we’d see you today.” Allan sits at his usual spot and the rest follow suit.

“Yeah. I’m basically back to normal. Just tired.”

“It is good that your fever seems to have passed.” Felix says as he gets out his book as usual.

“It is good to have you back!” Claude gives her an excited hug. He glances at Allegra who is finishing her math homework, “Hey, why do you think math books are so sad?”

Marinette is too tired to try and stop him, but Allegra glances up.

“Don’t you da-”

“Because they have so many problems!” He finishes excitedly, giving no heed to Allegra’s pleading.

Allegra drops her head onto the table and sighs heavily. Felix pats her on the back consolingly.

“Did you hear about that guy who got his left side cut off?”

Marinette sighs. At least when she was feverish she couldn’t remember the puns.

“He’s all right now!”

“Claude.” Allegra pleads, “I can’t do homework in the midst of this.”

“What gender pronouns do you use for chocolate bars? Her/she!”

“Marinette I’m sorry that you had to return to this. There’s no end to his madness.” Allegra has yet to remove her head from the table. Claude’s grin only continues to grow. Allan is smiling as he watches. Felix is focusing intensely on his book.

“Ah, ‘legra. Look on the bright side. At least your music class is your last hour.”

The braided blonde finally sits up and glares at him suspiciously.

“That way you can end your day on a high note!” Claude’s looks at her, the pinnacle of innocence.

“No. Nope. I’m done.” She pushes herself up and packs up quickly. Felix glances at his watch and follows suit, “It’s close enough to first hour. Come on Mari, let’s leave these crazies to their insanity.”

“Let’s.” Marinette pushes herself out of her seat, and waves as they leave the library.

---

Allan and Marinette arrive at the lunch room together and claim the group’s usual table. Felix joins soon after.

“Greetings my great, glorious, and grand group!” Claude and Allegra arrive together, taking their seats.

“Please spare us the puns.”

“We’ll see…”

Marinette is about to say something when something catches her eye. There seems to be a girl in a heated argument with her father. She turns from him and returns to her seat, but that’s not what drew her eye initially. She could have sworn she saw…

There.

A purple butterfly floats near the man’s head. Before she can say anything, it makes contact with his glasses.

Marinette stands immediately, drawing the attention of her group.

“Is everything o-”

“Ineedtogonowbye!” With that rushed excuse she hurries off to be out of sight. As she transforms she hears the screams as people realize what has happened. She sends a text to her partner and heads to the roof to await his arrival. It would be strange for Ladybug to show up so soon, especially when there had never been an attack here before.

It would also be for the best. Akumas in smaller spaces could be extra difficult, especially when the duo didn’t know anything about their powers. It may be for the best to just wait for Chat Noir.

“Hey Bug!” Speak of the devil, here’s her partner. He seems tenser than usual. Probably because the last time they’d spoke- no, that isn’t for Ladybug, that’s for Marinette. Ladybug doesn’t need to feel.

“Hey Chat, I haven’t seen much of the akuma yet. I figured it would be best to wait for you-”

An explosion shakes the building they’re standing on. They meet each other’s eyes and move to enter the building. When an akuma causes damage they prefer to finish it quickly to lessen any risk of injury.

They arrive in the mostly empty cafeteria to see a hole blown in the wall and a few… interestingly dressed stragglers wandering about. Some have leaked out into the street. The akuma is in another part of the school, they can hear his voice echoing down the halls and follow the sound. Soon enough, they find him.

The man Marinette saw earlier has doubled in height, and has had an extreme outfit change. He’s donned an oversized hoodie covered in various emoji prints. He’s wearing rainbow tie-dye converse shoes that double as pants and seem to be denim. There are rips in various places up the pants but the lace cross over them, tying near his hips. On top of the shoe-pants he’s wearing Shrek crocs, and is wandering around on a gold light-up hoverboard. Around his neck is a glowing set of headphones with lights and animal ears. He’s got airpods in and pizza hat on his head. He’s wearing oversized glowing neon shutter shades that shift between different colors - much like the other light-up pieces of his ensemble. The source of the explosion becomes clear when he makes finger guns at the wall and an emoji shoots out and explodes it easily.

They remain some distance away, and he hasn’t noticed them yet. Ladybug sighs tiredly, she almost wants to cry looking at this mess, “Sometimes I wish Hawkmoth was some sort of fashion designer because these designs are just…they’re honestly almost the worst part of this.”

“My eyes.” Chat stares, “As a teenager, I don’t know if I should appreciate the effort or feel insulted someone thinks that is an accurate summary of my age group.”

The emojis that are being used as projectiles don’t just get rid of walls though. Ladybug and Chat Noir watch as an unfortunate student get hit by a fire emoji and and gains the akuma’s ridiculous sunglasses. He announces he must go hunt for ‘pokey-mans’ and heads off, passing a group of bottle flippers.

A teacher gets hit and gets an even worse makeover. She gains ripped jeans and a black hoodie that says ‘I didn’t choose the dank meme life, the dank meme life chose me’ and has a dabbing hot dog on it. She has the same headphones as the main akuma but is actually wearing them on her ears. There’s a golden light-up fidget spinner in each of her hands, matching the gold light-up heelys on her feet. Some of the affected students notice her and begin following her around.

“We must stop this.” Ladybug nods at her partner’s statement, immediately moving to get the akuma’s attention.

“Ah! Ladybug and Chat Noir my broskis!!!! It’d be very dank of you to hand over those swag miraculouses you’ve got!!!1!”

“Sir-”

“Why so formal??? I’m the Coolest Dad - so lit!!! No need to call me anything but your bestest bro!!1!” he gestures around him, “Look at all these Cool Dudes!!! Aren’t they sooo hip with the kids now?? IKR!!! So great! Look at all these savage Broskis, so happy to have people who understand!!”

“Oh dear Kwami what is this?”

“Anyways, if it’s all good with you fam, I’m just going to be on my way!!!” a purple butterfly mask appears over his face, “Nah, chill my mothy pal!! These hip teens will get with the program eventually! It’d be very uncool of me to take from them!!! I can get you your Gucci jewels in a moment!!!! For now I’m going to spread this fetch coolness around Paris!!!! #SquadGoals!!!1!!1”

As he rolls away they hear, “Paris will be the fleekest city around!!!”

“Uh, Is that it…?” Chat Noir turns to her.

“Yeah. I think so.” Ladybug hops down to the ground, looking around. There are several ‘Broski’s around, and some ‘Cool Dude’s. She sees a few dabbing and doing Fortnite dances and turns to see if there’s any civilians left in the area.

“Ladybug…?” She turns at the voice, beside her Chat seems to relax.

Allegra stands in the doorway of a classroom, she’s glancing around nervously, but when she can’t see the Coolest Dad she decides to take a few steps toward the heroes. Behind her are Allan, Felix, and Claude. Chat seems to look at the doorway as if waiting for another person. His worry returns.

“Yes? Is everything alright?”

Allegra nods, leading the duo back to the classroom. Inside are several students and staff, hiding from the akuma.

“We helped all of these people to hide, and we were wondering if it’s safe for them to come out now.”

“It is, though the akuma is still around the school, so it would be best to stay close to a hiding spot.” Ladybug assures her. Chat keeps glancing around at those in the room, seemingly checking for something.

“But, actually we had another question. Our friend disappeared just before the attack and we were wondering if you’d seen her.” The worry of the group is clear and Ladybug wonders who they’re talking about. Marinette didn’t see anyone else when she was sitting with them.

Claude speaks up, “Her name is Marinette Dupain-Cheng. I’ve only known her for a few months, but I’ve already fallen deep in platonic love for her!” His usual theatrics do nothing to hide his clear anxiety over- wait.

She’s their friend?!

They considered her their-

Focus.

Chat has stiffened beside her, and she jumps in before he promises to find the ‘damsel in distress’,”I’m sure she is fine. After the cure you can find her.”

“She’s hasn’t been answering her phone. We just don’t know if she’s ever been in an akuma attack before.”

“Oh, she has, though I typically don’t see her much.” She really doesn’t want them to be worried about her alter ego. How can she reassure them? “If I recall correctly, she went on a date with an akuma once so I’m sure she is perfectly capable-”

“She what?!” Allan speaks for the first time.

“Wait you know her?” Allegra sounds surprise. Ladybug doesn’t know how to explain, but Chat helps her out.

“Oh that class…” He has a point. Even if she hadn’t been a student in it, her old class has a concerningly high rate of akumatizitions. The school as a whole really, “My partner is correct. Ma- Ms. Dupain-Cheng is a perfectly capable individual, I’m sure she’s fine She took over City Hall one time, so I trust she’s safe.” He sounds as though he’s trying to convince himself along with the group.

Yelling is heard near the front of the school, “I’m sorry miss, but we have to go now.”

They nod uneasily, and the heroes jump away. At the front of the school the Coolest Dad is shooting emojis at several passer-bys. Alya has arrived, but remains out of sight.

When the akuma notices them, “Sup my dudes!! I have got to ask, have you seen my hip daughter??? I wanted to show her how swank I am!!!!”

“No, uh, we haven’t

“Well let me know if you do!!! I’m like high key worried, and that’s the tea!1!!!”

“Oh I forgot how bad it was…” Chat looks so done already, and this akuma hasn’t even been around an hour.

“I will just have to finesse my search!!!! I feel so uber-not-blessed with her missing!!! I wish she hadn’t yeeted away!!1!!”

As he rolls away, Ladybug is suddenly struck with an idea. She catches up to him, grabbing his attention.

“Uh, actually, TBH, my dude-” The akuma looks to her patiently.

“Oh Bugaboo not you too. Please.”

“-I was thinking that your glasses were just so lit. They’re, uh, so swag my guy, could I maybe get a lit-er look at those, um, dope shades? It’d be very chill of you...”

The man looks delighted, and takes them off and sets them near her. Chat lands nearby, not wanting to leave his partner alone so close to an akuma.

Up close they’re nearly blinding, and Ladybug avoids looking at the Akuma’s face, fearing what his eyes may look like under the glasses. Turning slightly to her partner, she hisses, “Chat, now!”

He nods, and before the akuma can do anything, he rushes forward touching the shades, “Cataclysm!”

A butterfly is released, and Ladybug wastes no time in purifying it.

“Miraculous Ladybug!”

As the Ladybugs wash over the city, Ladybug hears a call of “Ladybug! Care for an interview?” The voice says more, but Ladybug can’t hear.

Alya. No no no.

Not here. She’s not supposed to be here.

This is where Marinette came to get away from her.

No no no nononono…

Chat’s ring beeps, bringing her back to reality. The two fist bump quickly, and leave to detransform. Ladybug doesn’t see where Chat goes, solely focusing on getting back to her school.

To her friends.

She lands in an alley, and after a minute of making sure there is no one around, she speaks, “Tikki, spots off!”

The Kwami groans, landing in her purse to eat a cookie. Marinette spots her group and is about to join them when she sees her.

It’s not really a surprise, she knew Alya was here, but she didn't know that Alya isn’t alone. She brought her.

She brought Lila.

The pair are talking with her new friends and nonononono. Now they’ll like Lila too. They’ll turn on her too. She’ll be alone again, she’ll have to leave, just as she was adjusting. Oh they’ll hate her, they’ll hate her.

They hate her, they hate her, they hate her nonononononono.

---

Adrien is standing in Chat Noir’s place. He knows he’s not allowed to miss school and should really be on his way back, but he needs to check on Marinette.

It was worrying enough to have Ladybug tell him that there was an akuma here, but then he saw Alya, and she brought Lila.

She probably thinks bringing the heroine’s ‘best friend’ will land her an interview.

If either of them see Marinette here- oh he hates to think what will happen.

Just when things were looking up for her too. If only her new friends knew what happened, this wouldn’t be so bad. He understands why she doesn’t want to tell them, but he wants her to realize that they care about her and won’t be upset at her for what happened.

“...but actually we’re looking for out friend-” He hears Allegra talking as he approaches the front of the school.

“Come on! Just a quick interview! A first-hand account of Ladybug’s first battle here!”

“No, we’d like to find our friend.”

“What’s her name? I used to work with an international search and rescue group, I could help!”

Before any of them can answer that question, he hops in, “Alya, Lila! I didn’t think you’d be out of school.”

He can see the confusion of Allegra, Allan, Claude, and Felix. They have no idea what he’s doing over here in the middle of the school day. Lila and Alya on the other hand look delighted. Lila latches onto his arm as usual, he stiffens slightly, but she only continues to hang off of him. Allegra’s eyes narrow.

“Adrien, what are you doing here? I thought you had a photoshoot?”

“It was in the area - got canceled ‘cause of the akuma attack.” He scratches the back of his neck. Lila rests her head on his shoulder.

Out of the corner of his eye he spots Marinette and oh she’s seen Alya and Lila. She looks like she’s having an attack. He can’t do anything without alerting the girls in question, but she is not okay.

“Well, if you’re out of school then you can hang out with us!” Alya seems delighted by this stroke of brilliance, “Nino can skip and we can all go on a double date!”

“Doesn’t that imply that I’m bringing a date?” Adrien knows where this is going.

“She means me, silly!” Lila giggles and runs her hand through his hair.

“Lila, for the last time, we’re not dating-” He tries to pull away, but she’s got an iron grip on his arm.

“Sureee, lover-boy~” Alya winks at him, dragging them away.

He manages to extract himself and sends a couple texts to the OMMAM chat, before excusing himself and heading back to school. He hopes Marinette will be okay.

---

Allegra is seething beside him, “Did you see how she was clinging to him?! Who does she think she is?! He was so clearly uncomfortable! Ugh that little-” Claude drowns out her angry muttering when his phone dings.

Adrien: You guys need to check on Marinette.

Adrien: Now.

He sees that the others have noticed the message. They’re looking at each other in confusion, worry clear. What’s happened?

“Oh dear, look.” Allan is the first to see the girl. Claude turns to where he points, his heart stops when he finally spots her.

The girl is crouched in an alley, her hands digging into her scalp, and breathing erratically. He could see her tears from here. The akuma attack hadn’t been that long, but in the time they’d been separated something had happened.

They all rushed to her immediately, crouching by her side.

“Marinette, hey, can you hear me?” Allan speaks clearly, gently resting a hand on her shoulder.

To their surprise, she reacts immediately, looking at all of them panicked.

“I’m so sorry!”

“What?”

“I don’t know what she said, I don’t know what she told you-”

“Marinette, hey-”

“Just- just- just- tell me and I’ll-I’ll-I’ll”

“Just breathe with me okay?”

“Marinette, we don’t know what you mean dear. Everything’s okay.”

“I’ll find sources, I’ll back it up this time, I’ll-I’ll I’ll call Jagged, please believe me-”

“Marinette-”

“Please, oh no no nononono.” She covers her eyes with her hands, finally breaking her frantic eye contact. Curling into herself tighter, “Oh please, not again, not again no no no-”

Her nails are digging into her skin, and Claude worries she’ll draw blood, but she doesn’t even seem to worry. She entirely distracted by whatever has consumed her.

“Marinette!” Allan stresses her name, gently trying to take her hands off her face before she hurts herself too bad. She doesn’t even notice what she’s doing, “Marinette, listen, it’s alright, just breathe okay? Do it with me…”

Marinette doesn’t seem to notice initially, but eventually her breathing evens out. She looks around at them tearily, wiping at her face. She opens her mouth, but Claude beats her to it.

“Don’t apologize Mari. You were upset, nothing’s wrong with that.”

“But-”

Allegra hugs her gently, “No. No buts. It’s okay to be upset.”

But she’s a hero. A hero who fights akumas. Being upset means failing.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Talk about it? Then they’d know. She wants to trust that they’ll believe her, but that’s what she did last time. They don’t hate her currently, so she shouldn’t do anything to risk changing that. She shakes her head.

She feels her purse move strangely at her side. It’s subtle enough that she isn’t worried that they noticed, but when she hears a tiny cough she begins worrying for Tikki.

“Could I, uh, have a moment? I need to, um, call someone?” They nod at her and walk a little ways away. She ducks out of sight to check on her Kwami.

She opens her purse to see Tikki curled up in an uncomfortable ball.

“Tikki? Are you okay?”

She coughs, “Sorry, Marinette, I think I’m sick again. The Revealer…” she trails off into a coughing fit.

Right. If there are consequences to Marinette overworking herself for an all-day akuma, then the same can be expected of Tikki.

“I’ll go to Fu’s…”

Tikki nods at her, quieting herself as best she can. Marinette doesn’t want to delay helping the Goddess, so she prepares herself to lie to her friends again. She hates to think what they’d say if they found out just how much she lied to them.

Stepping out of the alley, she approaches them carefully and they turn to her patiently.

“Hey Marinette. How are you doing?” Claude speaks to her attentively.

She holds up her phone, pasting on a sheepish smile, “Uh, I have to go talk with my, um… mentor? If I come back late, can you let the teacher know?”

“There is no need to rush yourself. They have cancelled the remainder of the school day due to the akuma attack. Take your time.”

“O-oh. Okay.”

“We’re going to my place now, so you can come over when you’re done!” Claude holds up his own phone, “I can text you the address again if you need it.”

“No no. I’ve got it saved.”

They say goodbye, walking in their respective directions.

---

Author’s Note: Poor Mari. So, uh, that akuma... I, uh, it's... unique? Reference slides here? Suspension of disbelief means believing a school's wifi would allow for a glitch-free facetime call. It also allows me to tweak the climate of a major city somewhat. Thanks for reading, and constructive criticism is welcomed in the comments below! See you Saturday!

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#miraculous ladybug #transfer #with time #fanfic #chameleon salt #marinette dupain cheng #adrien agreste #ladybug #chat noir #quantic kids #allegra #allan #claude #ml felix #original akuma

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