#watcher x xoti

[starlightcleric]

Cal Deadfire update #2: I've started Xoti's romance! Way earlier than I expected, I was expecting to at least have to release her souls to the adra pillar first. So the gals got cozy... in a random swamp XD

I will probably stick with my previous narrative that they got together after the soul release, or at least... not in a random swamp? XD

[quinttyz]

absoltely destroying myself with the thought of tempest writing letters but aloth never receiving them at all (careless couriers, merciless bandits preying on messengers etc)

Now the former thinks he is either uninterested in keeping in touch or is dead, and the latter thinks she doesn’t care about him anymore. tempest has a huge pile of unsent letters on her desk, aloth keeps scraps of paper tucked in his grimoire, always ready to reply to her. whenever the chance passes him by, he always buys mailing supplies in the market. the attendant always thinks of how lucky the receiver of his letters is..with the care and intricacy Aloth shows in choosing the type of paper..and what color of ink…he seems to be fond of choosing the blue black ink..

Now cAn yoU IMAGINE THEM SEEING EACH OTHER AGAIN IN PORT MAJE?? HAJSKWJWJ THE LOOKS ON THEIR FACES…….

Both relieved and both in disbelief. I like to think they wanted to hug each other but faltered. They didn’t know what to say…or how to act…god what is the SOP when you see the love of your life after 5 years of assuming they were dead/did not care for you anymore

Sailing in the Defiant, Edér studies the two. They are talking but it’s obvious that they were both holding back. Edér doesn’t know the full story but he could throw in guess. It was obvious with how Tempest avoids his gaze and the way the tip of Aloth’s ears turn red. Both were fidgeting with their clothes. Both were in love.

He sighs. It’s gonna be a long night explaining this to Xoti.

[sun-marie]

Aloth for the character breakdown!

How I feel about this character: Aloth my beloved <3 I love him to pieces, I love how he balances snark with kindness. He's uptight and nervous and just a tad hypocritical at some points, but I find him really compelling in the first game and especially the second game. I appreciate how they handled his backstory, in my experience abusive parents in media often justify a "hardened" character's behavior (when they're really just assholes), but I appreciate how the abuse Aloth went through + the fact he had to hide Iselmyr for most of his life have worn him into more of a nervous wreck than some kind of a "badass", and there are several routes he can take to healing. And I really like how in between games he reconciles with his mom and is straight up like "you don't have to approve and I'm glad I did it" to the Watcher, I appreciate that he has boundaries and it gives depth to his unseen relationship with her. I think he's a flawed and well-rounded character, and even though I went into the games expecting to like him I was still surprised by how much!

There are moments in the second game where I did feel like his... attitude, I guess? was a little much for me. I think in the DLCs especially he suffers from just a little bit of flanderization, where nearly everything the group did he had a comment like "we're not seriously doing this, right?" or "wonderful, another x uncomfortable thing" that give the feeling that he's just being dragged around by the Watcher and doesn't wanna be here. And idk by the end of the Forgotten Sanctum I was kind over it? Like I'm sorry you're not having a good time my dude but nobody is. BUT I try not to hold that against his character bc to me, I more have issue with the quantity of the comments rather than the quality, and I can easily see a situation where the writers wrote his reactions to certain situations in isolation, not realizing that it might be too much when it all came together.

Overall, though, I generally prefer him in the second game and think his second arc was handled even better than his first, both paths are incredibly crunchy.

All the people I ship romantically with this character: ...Is it cheating to say my Watcher? Idk I enjoy his very lowkey Deadfire romance a lot <3 I like how a lot is left up to interpretation re: how far they go in their relationship (with Sabina, at least, I don't think they get very far at all), and it has such sugary sweet vibes for such a dark setting.

My non-romantic OTP for this character: As I mentioned in my answer to this question for Xoti, I feel like the entire Deadfire crew could fit this spot for each other, and I also referenced how much I enjoy her relationship with Aloth. For Aloth specifically, though, I have to go with his bromance with Edér, which really benefits from spanning across two games (and with Matt Mercer having great chemistry with... himself). I also read this great fic a while ago that really sold me on the potential of his relationship with Sagani and Grieving Mother!

My unpopular opinion about this character: I have no idea what ending people prefer for him in Deadfire so idk how popular/unpopular this is, but for me I prefer the ending where he gives up his work dismantling the Leaden Key, mainly because it feels like an immense amount of pressure to place on a guy who seems to be under plenty, and the steps he would have to take take to continue feel eerily similar to how Thaos operated. Plus it means he can stay with my Watcher but as an avid tragedy enjoyer I promise it's not just that it's just a bonus

Also, I'm not a huge fan of the "Elves have a super long lifespan" bc I feel it unnecessarily complicates things and I kinda wish he was just his actual age instead of like 65

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: While I like how lowkey his romance is, I would have appreciated just a few extra crumbs. Also, I would have loved to see more Iselmyr if he didn't suppress her, bc while she's fun and I enjoy her I sometimes forget she's there 😅

GIVE ME A CHARACTER: and I’ll break their ass down:

[dragonologist-phd]

I'm on desktop so I can't copy the emojis but the X and the kiwi for Rudi? And one other OC of your choice?

Thank you! I’ll do Rudi and Miervaldis, since they’re my less talked about PoE kids!

Rudi

❌ What kind of things would end any relationship for them? Is there a history behind why these things bother them? Could they ever take someone back despite this? If so or if not, why?

Rudi doesn’t have any particular red flags, other than typical “don’t be an asshole” stuff. She’s kind of independent and would get really impatient with someone who acted clingy and jealous, but she’d give them a little time to get it together rather than immediately ending the relationship

🥝 What does a bad mental health day look like for your OC? Walk us through it with them. What kind of things can help them out of this slump and what kinds of things comfort them when they start to feel like this?

For Rudi, a bad mental health day is a day when her Watcher visions are acting up- they leave her with migraines and stress her out a lot, to the point where she can’t focus on anything else. She can get very snappish in that state and not exactly receptive to other people trying to help her out.

In fact she usually avoids people completely on those days. She likes to go off on her own with Sol, just to explore or walk through the wilderness. It helps to clear her mind and ease the tension, if just a bit. Having Sol around always makes her feel better no matter what; he’s a comforting, he makes her feel safe, and petting his fur is very soothing. The alone time is an important part of how she deals with things, and even if the Watcher visions linger, they’re easier to deal with after a day of decompressing.

Miervaldis

❌ What kind of things would end any relationship for them? Is there a history behind why these things bother them? Could they ever take someone back despite this? If so or if not, why?

The thing about Miervaldis is that he needs someone who’s going to understand and support him in his goals, because he can get very intense in his pursuit of what he believes his purpose to be. That’s why he and Xoti work so well- they’re very similar in that regard, and they can understand what the other needs.

He had an ex back in the White that Wends, and they were fairly serious. They broke up when Miervaldis felt that Berath was calling him to travel the world, and his ex just couldn’t leave his home behind to travel with him. But Miervaldis would readily admit that the fault there laid more with him, and he doesn’t blame his ex for how things worked out

🥝 What does a bad mental health day look like for your OC? Walk us through it with them. What kind of things can help them out of this slump and what kinds of things comfort them when they start to feel like this?

It’s actually hard to tell when Miervaldis is having a bad health today, because he’s really good at masking it. But he has his days of morose moods, and he can retreat into himself and be quieter than usual. He won’t bring it up to anyone, but people who know him well can spot it. On those days, little unspoken gestures- bringing him food, chatting with him, getting him involved with things- can help lift him out of his moods.

Jumbo Ask Game

[adraveins]

#30 harsh whisper for Hakona?

30. Harsh Whisper

Xoti lashes out when Hakona reaches her, weapon drawn quick even in the grip of sleep. But it carries no deadly intent, only the unsteady flailing of a nightmare, and it requires little effort to disarm, as Hakona twists the sickle out of Xoti’s grasp.

The maneuver is silent. Even Xoti’s distressed writhing is quiet. No one else wakes.

Hakona tosses the sickle safely out of reach, and Xoti’s eyes shoot open, panicked and lost and then full of alarm. She spends a long moment gasping, her gaze darting around wildly as understanding trickles in, and then she meets Hakona’s gaze hovering above her.

“Sakes alive, Watcher,” she whispers, horrified. “Did I hurt you?”

“You will have to try much harder than that,” Hakona says evenly.

The jungle around them sings a chittering nighttime chorus, and the fire smolders low and flickering. Hakona smolders too, her light bathing Xoti in soft radiance. Xoti exhales hard and pushes herself up into a sitting position. She quakes with infinitesimal shivers, but sweat beads her forehead as she stares glassy into the remains of the campfire.

It’s a sight that Hakona knows all too well, though she’d only ever seen it reflected in Edér’s eyes, in Sagani’s. She understands, now, the looks they’d given her. “They’re getting worse,” Hakona says, flat, a knot of useless trepidation coiling tight and heavy in the pit of her stomach. Is nothing they’re doing enough?

Xoti sucks in a great shuddering breath. “It’s...” she says and falls dead silent. Only the fire murmurs. Only the jungle chatters. “I’m still hearing it. The dream. Right now. Like I ain’t even awake. Like the souls are whispering to me.”

Her lantern rests close, gleaming, and Hakona restrains the childish urge to kick it away. She remains crouched at Xoti’s side, as still and unmoving as the thick, muggy air. Should she move in closer? Offer some kind of physical comfort? But she’s never been good at... this. Nothing about her, fiery hair or stone skin, is built for comfort.

“Don’t try to listen to the whispers,” Hakona says. “It will only drive you mad.”

Xoti’s head swivels up to look at her, eyes luminous in the dark. Her hands clutch tightly at her knees.

“I have some experience with this,” Hakona adds, and she doesn’t know why. There’s no need to share details, but Xoti looks to her like answers can be found somewhere in her glow, and Hakona continues. “When I... became a Watcher, a past life of mine surfaced as well. I would see the past in my dreams and then in my waking hours. I could see the dead and hear souls at all times. They never shut up.”

“How’d you manage that?” Xoti asks softly, desperately.

Hakona considers it. “Poorly,” she says, frank, and a corner of Xoti’s mouth quirks up. Her hands relax their death grip on her knees. “But those I traveled with... were more patient than I deserved. And... I did not go mad.”

The trail of dead in Hakona’s wake is not so loud, this time. They’re quiet enough to forget, at times, until something jars her into remembrance, until she needs to pull the dead forth for aid. She doesn’t know if it’s because she has experience as a Watcher now, or if it’s merely some aspect of Berath’s power within her. She doesn’t know what to feel about it. But she still remembers, searing and vivid, how hard it had been at first, even if she hadn’t wanted to admit it.

“I will-- we will help you through this,” Hakona adds, and her flames intensify with a hissing murmur, sparks flaring at the edges of her vision. “So that you have other things to listen to.”

There’s enough light by those flames to see that Xoti flushes. “I think you might just be onto something,” she says, a little breathlessly. “I’m feeling right as rain, now.”

The lie is as stark as fire in a dark forest. Erratic shivers still rattle Xoti’s form, and her breathing trembles unsteady. But the haunted look in her eyes has retreated, and in its place rests a bright-eyed interest. She studies Hakona and bites her lip, and Hakona doesn’t know what to do about that, either.

“Still,” Xoti says. “Don’t think I’ll be getting much shuteye just yet. Wouldn’t be wise, I reckon.” Her eyes drop to the ground, then dart back up, just on the far side of hesitant. “Mind if I join you for watch? I’ll be quiet as a barn mouse, promise.”

An instinctive rejection rises up at the back of Hakona’s throat, but she swallows it. She’s one of the few who can understand Xoti’s condition, and Xoti has become one of the few who can understand her in turn. Who always seems to watch her with that interest, that admiration, no matter the Bleak sigil upon Hakona’s armor, no matter the dead around her, no matter the blood dripping from her axes.

In answer, Hakona pushes herself to her feet and offers a hand. Xoti takes it, blushing deeply, and pulls herself up. Her touch lingers, before she pulls her hand away and makes a great show of tidying up her bedroll, and Hakona can’t read it. Bold at one turn, shy and aloof at another. What does this priestess really want?

“So, Watcher,” Xoti says, a loud whisper, when they sit just outside the camp, keeping an eye on the surrounding jungle, on the sleeping forms of the party, “what other things did you have in mind for me to listen to?”

Quiet as a barn mouse indeed. And yet, to her surprise, Hakona finds that she doesn’t mind.

[risualto]

8. a kiss on the nose for Lila/Xoti, sfw?

Thank you so much for this!  I really had a great time writing it; these two are a little insufferable once they’re actually together, but it’s cute.  Sorry for the delay~

8. a kiss on the nose + Lila/Xoti

The tavern was so loud that Lila wasn’t sure where her heartbeat was under the sound of thumping boots from the center of the room.  Someone had started a dance, and so the whole place was filled with whoops and laughter and scrambling footsteps, and Lila reveled in it.  It was as poignant as the alcohol in her blood. Maybe more so, actually, because the beer at this place was piss-poor and honestly might just be slightly mixed seawater.  If Lila wasn’t in such a good mood, she might just complain about it to the barkeep.

Lucky for the poor aumaua who might’ve been her victim in another timeline, being the center of attention as she swooped from partner to partner through the chaotic mess that was maybe once a circle, it was all much more alluring.  She twirled around someone whose face was so bland she didn’t think she’d remember it if she were sober, dipped them, and then flung them towards the crowd that penned in their little dance floor.

“Well?” she asked, running her hands down her sides, over her hips, lingering on the hilt of the blade that never left her side no matter how free she felt.  “Who’s next, huh?  If y’think y’can keep up!”

There was a moment of disappointment in which a few people in front of her just looked to each other, either too drunk or too intimidated to finish what had been started here.  But a creak from behind her had Lila spinning on the ball of her foot, hands raised to grab whoever thought they could sneak up—

“Aha,” chimed a little laugh, and small, human-sized palms brushed against the inside of Lila’s wrists, catching her strength and brushing it aside like water as Xoti danced between the raindrops and right up against Lila’s chest.

“Hey, Lady Watcher,” purred Xoti, brown eyes glittering like stars through her eyelashes.  “I’m game if you are.”  There was a flush on her cheeks, visible even under her dark complexion, that made Lila’s eyes glow a little brighter as she took it in.

A smirk was beginning to form on Lila’s face when she felt a tug down on her wrists.  Xoti used her for leverage to pull herself onto her tip-toes, look Lila right in the eyes, and plant a measuredly-innocent, sickeningly-cute kiss right on the tip of Lila’s nose.  For a second, nothing happened except that the violinist over in the corner did something that sounded complicated and chaotic to cover the brief moment of silence that covered the room.  Then Lila’s hair flared so bright that even Xoti had to squint, face scrunching up. If anyone had made the mistake of touching her bare skin at that moment, Lila was sure they would have been burned as the veins of fire crackling across her body turned from rich crimson to warm gold to hot white.  It was a unique combination of glee and mortification because, really, Lila wasn’t five, so a silly kiss like that shouldn’t make her so happy…!

She reached down and wrapped her hands around Xoti’s waist, almost-but-not-quite bracketing her completely.  “You really need t’stop flirtin’ with danger, little priestess,” Lila said, leaning close enough that Xoti could feel the unnatural heat of her skin.

“Or maybe not,” Xoti shot back, lacing her own hands behind Lila’s neck.  “I think it’s workin’ pretty well.”

[lunarowena]

7 for Cal on the hug prompts?

7. Tired hug 

-

Cal doesn’t hear the knocking at her cabin door at first. Her vision blurs as she stares at the papers on her desk. Her notes, trying to make sense of the situation. Trying to find the right answer. There is no right answer.

The door creaks open. “Cal?” Xoti asks softly.

Cal gestures her in, unspeaking. She should say something. Xoti deserves that from her. But Xoti has always had a way of getting her to actually speak.

Xoti closes the length of the small room and places her hand on Cal’s shoulder. Cal leans into the physical touch, a rare moment where she is not separated by her plate armor. Although less and less rare with Xoti these days.

Xoti squeezes her shoulder. “Nobody’s seen much of you recently, and everybody’s been worried…”

“And they nominated you to check that I was still breathing?”

“Well, we occasionally hear you swearing so we know you’re still breathing. I was sent to see if you were alright.”

“No,” Cal says bluntly.

There’s silence and Xoti stands, waiting.

Cal leans forward on the desk, resting her head in her hands. “It’s all fucked up, Xo.”

“I know,” Xoti says quietly.

“The Huana, the Vailians, the Rauatai… I’m going to have to kill someone.” Cal runs her fingers through her hair. “I have to get to Ukaizo, and I’m going to have to kill someone to get there.” She takes in a ragged breath. “And I have to decide who deserves to die.”

“You are the Chosen of Berath.”

“When I decided to follow Berath, I didn’t realize how much death I would be the cause of.” Cal laces her fingers through Xoti’s. “I’m so… I’m so tired of killing people.”

Xoti pulls Cal up, drawing her into a hug. Cal breathes deeply as she buries her face in Xoti’s hair.

“You’re not alone. We’re all here with you.”

Cal doesn’t say anything. She doesn’t need to be reminded of the blood she’s placing on Xoti’s hands, too. But right now she holds Xoti tightly, trying to pretend she can just be young and in love. Pretending that the Deadfire and her god don’t expect her to be their judge, jury, and executioner.

hug prompts

[nyssaila]

OC PAIRINGS

bold what applies tagged by @rebelfatebinder, ty <3 tagging: @moonrise-dragon, @stardust-wandering, @breitheaman, and anyone else who’d want to Las’Eth x Kalara height difference / mutual pining / first kiss (kalara) / wedding / in-jokes / lgbtq+ / family disapproves / would die for each other / would kill for each other / fake relationship / arranged wedding / cuddlers / pda friendly / and they were roommates / holding hands / secret relationship / opposing worldviews / getting a pet / have kids / want kids / grow old together / relationship failures / rests head on shoulder / share a bed / relationship doubts / they have a song / first date / sharing a blanket / mutual interests / study buddies / bathing together / crash into hello / accidental nudity / laundry / same hobbies / cooking for each other / big fancy gala / sibling rivalry / hair stroking / sitting on each other’s laps / sexual tension / can’t be together / battle couple / friends to lovers / enemies to lovers / lovers to enemies / keeping secrets / love after loss / exes / declaration of love / flirting / love triangle / destructive romance / envy / “I Don’t Want to Ruin Our Friendship” / shared values / slow burn / does not end well / happily ever after / love letters Marian x Thane height difference / mutual pining / first kiss / wedding / in-jokes / lgbtq+ / family disapproves / would die for each other / would kill for each other / fake relationship / arranged wedding / cuddlers / pda friendly / and they were roommates / holding hands / secret relationship / opposing worldviews / getting a pet / have kids / want kids / grow old together / relationship failures / rests head on shoulder / share a bed / relationship doubts / they have a song / first date / sharing a blanket / mutual interests / study buddies / bathing together / crash into hello / accidental nudity / laundry / same hobbies / cooking for each other (marian would) / big fancy gala / sibling rivalry / hair stroking / sitting on each other’s laps / sexual tension / can’t be together / battle couple / friends to lovers / enemies to lovers / lovers to enemies / keeping secrets / love after loss / exes / declaration of love / flirting / love triangle / destructive romance / envy / “I Don’t Want to Ruin Our Friendship” / shared values / slow burn / does not end well ): / happily ever after / love letters Thirza x Xoti x Tekehu height difference / mutual pining / first kiss / wedding / in-jokes / lgbtq+ / family disapproves / would die for each other / would kill for each other / fake relationship / arranged wedding / cuddlers / pda friendly / and they were roommates / holding hands / secret relationship / opposing worldviews / getting a pet / have kids / want kids / grow old together / relationship failures / rests head on shoulder / share a bed / relationship doubts / they have a song / first date / sharing a blanket / mutual interests / study buddies / bathing together / crash into hello / accidental nudity / laundry / same hobbies / cooking for each other / big fancy gala / sibling rivalry / hair stroking / sitting on each other’s laps / sexual tension / can’t be together / battle couple / friends to lovers / enemies to lovers / lovers to enemies / keeping secrets / love after loss / exes / declaration of love / flirting / love triangle / destructive romance / envy / “I Don’t Want to Ruin Our Friendship” / shared values / slow burn / does not end well ): / happily ever after / love letters

[void-slip]

Salla and Xoti enjoying a rare free moment where they can take a break from fighting

[springacres]

And now I'm picturing Iselmyr being the one to tell him. (Although that would make things So Much Worse from Aloth's perspective...)

tekēhu and xoti, hearing about this later on the defiant:

[stylishanachronism]

3, 4, 9 & 10 for the Deadfire ask meme

3. How about a favourite companion? Or a favourite NPC?

Alys is terribly, terribly fond of Xoti, not romantically but very much in a bossy older sister way (It’s something of a novelty; she’s the youngest of her generation), and she’d rather like to keep her in the family, one way or another; it’s not like she doesn’t have enough cousins and/or nebulous extended family to choose from. Please imagine approximately a million conversations over the course of the game in the temple of Gaun that go something like this:

A: Let me introduce you to --, my cousin/nephew/child of someone I knew when I was a girl, they’re very nice/dependable/clever, I’m sure you’ll get along, and you’d be very cute together. You’re a little young to be married, but-

X: I have to go do priest things somewhere else Right Now, I Do Not need one of my awkward crushes trying to set me up with other people.

4. Was there a companion or an NPC that they just couldn’t stand? What was it about them that irritated your Watcher?

Pretty much all of the VTC staff, Pallegina excluded, but particularly the director, who kept assuming things about her motives and loyalties, and not listening to what she was actually saying. (There is a stark difference between ‘based on what I know about the metaphysical effects of x situation, doing y is the only really sane thing, especially given what went down five years ago, and honestly I’d prefer if you all left well enough alone, thank you’ and ‘yep, those Valians have the right idea, they should eat all the adra that sounds great’ and they insisted on assuming the latter, and it was pretty much the thought that her parents would be upset that kept Alys from slapping whoever was currently talking for her across the face)

9. Which faction did your Watcher side with in the end, if any? Was there a particular reasoning behind their decision?

No one! The Watsonian explanation is that she flung her hands in the air because this is no time for politics and her concern is for the Dyrwood’s future, not the rest of them, if she’s being political which they don’t have time for, and in any case there’s a god trying to, as far as she knows, kill them all right the fuck now, y’all can argue she’s going to do whatever she can.

(The Doylist explanation is that the game crashed every time I tried to side with someone, anyone, and it took like, four patches before going it alone worked either.)

10. Where do you imagine your Watcher’s life takes them after the events of Deadfire?

Back home to Caed Nua, which she rebuilds with the help of the original architect and a ridiculous amount of favors (from her family, mostly), because the keep’s in a strategically important location and she’s still in charge of it, and damnit she just got all those tariffs figured out, that road’s staying open.

[starlightcleric]

Conversation with romanced Xoti that I was not expecting!

[dayntee]

[Pillars: Deadfire] Frigid Nightmares

This whole thing came about as a result of me accidentally wandering into the Beast of Winter DLC and being WHOLLY unprepared for it (IE getting my ass utterly handed to me). After rolling back a fair notch, I’ve continued on, but I also tried to mentally justify the detour, backtrack, and continued exploration of the Deadfire and this... whatever it is, is what resulted. 

Summary: Ydwin’s insistence on investigating the invitation from Rymrgand’s faithful rubs Aloth the wrong way; his consciousness (both his own and a suppressed Iselmyr) pulls him in two directions. Should he follow his captain’s orders or push an agenda that’s more personal than he’s willing to admit?

Rating: PG-13, for some depicted gruesome violence

Relationships: Aloth x F!Watcher (unspoken/unresolved, ANGST AHOY)

Spoilers: Deadfire, Beast of Winter DLC (light)

Notes: Still finding Idralia’s accent, but it’s Aedyran with a Deadfire dull to it. Writing it out is almost as challenging as speaking it on stream. Imagine it landing somewhere between Aloth’s mid-Atlantic and Serafin’s super casual pirate cadence. And then trying not to make it sound Dyrwoodan. 

Also available here on AO3

A curled, familiar piece of tanned leather suddenly appeared before Idralia’s face. As she gently pushed it aside, the stern glare of Ydwin appeared from behind it, decisively reaching up with her spare hand to adjust her glasses on the bridge of her nose. 

“Watcher. You’ve had this invitation for weeks. Do you have any intention of investigating its source?” 

Idralia reached up and removed her eye patch, rubbing the protected eye for a moment as it re-adjusted back to the dim light below decks. She had no medical need for the patch, but her experience as a sharpshooter on the high seas had long since taught her the value in keeping an eye dim for travelling above and below deck. She preferred, however, to meet her companions with both eyes when discussing matters of import.

“Of course I do. I’d like to think that in the time you’ve been aboard The Defiant, you’ve noticed I‘m a woman of my word,” she took the missive from Ydwin’s insistent grasp, re-reading the contents over again. The thin, jagged writing in red disconcerted her; things were weird enough on the ship with Xoti’s slow descent into constant bloodlust and a growing tension between herself and Aloth that sailing to the furthest southern reaches to freeze her arse off didn’t seem like a logical next step. “There’s just, you know, this whole matter of Eothas destroying the Deadfire by wading through it like a toddler’s bathing pool, a stack of unclaimed bounties that’re honestly starting to rot, and the needs of our other compatriots to attend to. We’re sort of a busy lot,” 

Ydwin said nothing, crossing her arms and staring intently until Idralia met her gaze again. Once she did, the scout felt a prickling in her senses at the back of her mind as she felt the cipher reach out to her mentally.

And is that to say that my own concerns or interests are not as important as theirs? she questioned, and Idralia winced at the implication. Ydwin had largely been confined to the ship since she had first boarded in Neketaka, and that had been even several more weeks prior to the receipt of the mysterious invitation from whomever this “Vatnir” was. She simply shook her head and she could feel the bubbling frustration from the pale elf. 

“Really wish you wouldn’t do that. It’s not necessary. Listen, I don’t know how much time I have left. I could die tomorrow from this whole splintered soul thing for all I know. It’s like... I don’t know what it’s like, I’m not sure anyone else out there has wandered about with only half of themselves,” she screwed her face in her own frustration, trying to make sense of her rapid string of thoughts. 

This is why I do this. You are conflicted and trying to take on too much. Slow down. Focus on this for a while - perhaps a focused distraction will allow you to more easily sort out your... other priorities. Idralia picked up on the hesitation of thought in Ydwin’s message, but before she could ask for clarification, the cipher had turned abruptly on her heel to exit the captain’s quarters. She dropped her face into a hand, rubbing at the bridge of her own nose and pushing upward to relieve pressure she’d been harboring in her sinuses—missing the unapologetic brush of shoulders between Ydwin and Aloth as he made his way in. 

Aloth cast a glance Ydwin’s way as she pushed past him with no sign of hesitation. While he held respect for Ydwin’s pursuit of knowledge in the metaphysics, her unapologetic approach to animancy rubbed him the wrong way. ‘No matter,’ he supposed, turning his attention back to the distracted Watcher.

It was clear to him for quite some time now that Idralia had been holding back the discussion regarding the nature of their friendship. While he still wasn’t certain he was ready to broach the topic himself, he did recognize she was respecting a boundary she had set years ago with him and he admired her diligence. Catching himself staring, he cleared his throat, and the woman snapped to attention, straightening in her desk chair and dropping a roll of leather to the floor, where it began to rock slowly with the listing of the ship. Aloth bent and picked up the missive before Idralia had fully regained her awareness, and his eyes skimmed its contents before he could stop himself.

“Ah - the Dead Floe is our next course then, captain?” he used the title playfully and enjoyed the pink that traveled up her ears at his use of it. Idralia wasn’t a fan of the title, particularly when used by her former adventuring party. With the plethora of time she had spent teasing him on their previous adventures, he found he was beginning to appreciate turning the tables. 

“Oh, w-well,” she stuttered a moment, regaining her composure with a deep breath before dropping her tricorn unceremoniously on the desk and relaxing in his company. Even when he did catch her off guard, she never took long to return to her more confident, certain bearing. “I think that would be Ydwin’s preference. I’ve been... having trouble focusing on one task at a time, and she requested her own interests take a priority for a time. I s'pose that’s not much different than taking a detour to Ori o Koiki, right?”

Aloth hummed an agreement and nodded. She had a point; it would be rather obvious favoritism if she weren’t equally willing to investigate the needs of their other companions. ‘An’ yet ye dinnae mine a thot ye might be th’ importan one, aye?’ Iselmyr bubbled from deep within his psyche, cackling all the while he silently pushed her back down. Opportunities to poke and prod at his most insecure feelings—that was often the most likely times his elder ego would make herself heard. At least her thoughts rarely, if ever, spilled from his mouth these days.

“That seems fair, to say the least. Still,” he hesitated, and Idralia re-focused her attention on him. 

“Tell me your thoughts, Aloth. You know I trust your opinion,” he felt a smile twitch at the side of his mouth, knowing full well how much she valued his council. It was odd to him that someone who was so certain in her actions would seek insight from someone as unsure as he was; oft before she’d claimed it was because she valued how very differently he perceived the world. As he grew to know her, however, he suspected it was because they were more alike than either cared to admit and he reaffirmed her beliefs rather than than questioned them. 

“Something about it simply seems... off. But I suppose that could be my predisposition for distrust in theological cults with extreme beliefs,” he gave a slight shrug and Idralia laughed. 

“You kind of have good reason to be suspicious. Maybe all the more reason to check this out sooner rather than later,” she waved off the notion and stood with a stretch. “Never mind all that, though, I doubt you came in here to talk about Ydwin. What do you need, Aloth?” she hipped her hand and gave him that carefree smile, the one that made him believe without a doubt she knew exactly where she was going, how she was going to get there, and reaffirmed his decision in tagging along on her adventures. 

In that moment, his heart skipped a beat and, just like that, his resolve was gone again. Logically, he knew better. Fear of rejection was ridiculous because he already knew she harbored feelings for him—she’d more or less confirmed that within hours of his rejoining her group. Emotionally though, there was the fear of hurting her, of breaking her heart... now that was a fate to which he was terrified he might find himself. It was his turn to backpedal. 

“A-ah, oh, I-I’m... afraid you’ve preemptively answered my inquiry. I was merely wondering where we might be sailing to next,” he attempted to shrug nonchalantly once more, but he knew she was far too perceptive to ignore the stiffness in his shoulders and forced movement. She smiled, a sad sort of resignation in her eyes, and she scooped up her eye patch and cap from the desk before moving up to place her other hand on his shoulder. 

“Another time then,” she promised quietly, and his bare shoulder burned with the absence of her warmth as she moved past, donning her headgear once more and moving above deck.

‘Ya bullocksed tha’ one, Corfiser,’ he felt the mockery wave through again and this time he allowed Iselmyr to chide him. Quite frankly, he felt he deserved it. "Not like ye kin run afar offa ship, ye dafty,” he found himself muttering alone, and he bit the inside of his cheek to quell the bubbling criticisms, lest another crew mate overhear. He had maintained fair control of Iselmyr and, even if in this matter she was right, he wasn’t about to let it go again. 

Sighing, he returned below decks, settling himself in his bunk where he might distract his thoughts with his latest grimoire acquisition or simply drift off. Anywhere he could be without thoughts that rang too true.

“It’s casting again! Aloth, can you sto-” Idralia’s command was lost the moment she was blown back by a blast of bitter cold and hail. Already, Ydwin, Xoti, and Cantelope all lay unconscious at the feet of the gargantuan rotting beast, its rancid wings flapping languidly amidst the biting cold winds of the Dead Floe. Idralia’s bow skidded several feet away from her grasp across the icy ground, and it took every last bit of Aloth’s concentration to maintain the spell he was forming. His arcane reserves were burning low, and he only had a handful of spells remaining that seemed to have any effect on the lumbering so-called Herald of Rymrgand. Even Idralia’s normally fearsome powerful shots were barely penetrating its frozen hide. 

Idralia scrambled through the snow, scraping away her eye patch to rely on her full sight, squinting against the bright sky as she adjusted to the sudden influx of light. She whirled about on the ground, bringing up her warbow with both hands just a huge claw came down to attempt to crush her into the ground. She managed to prop it between her and the dragon, straining against an impossible strength, and Aloth knew there was only a moment more he might take advantage of the distraction that could save all their lives—or doom them all.

“Athek werthan roth!” with emphasis, he finished the last fiery incantation he had remaining, watching the fireball form around the rear of the beast and scorching its back flank. ‘It’s not enough!’ he panicked, and the first crunch he heard following the explosion was not half as sickening as the second.

Idralia screamed in pain, one of the dragon’s huge claws pinning her to the ground through nearly the whole of her left shoulder, her leather armor easily sundered and barely enough skin and sinew remaining to keep her arm attached to her torso. Her left fingers spasmed out with raw nerve stimulation, her right hand coming up to grasp the splintered remains of her family heirloom, the only item of purchase she could find. Blood pooled below her, vibrant against the stark white below.

“IDRALIA, NO!” was all Aloth could manage before he was immediately weaving another spell, this time an unerring Minoletta’s. But the enemy was faster yet, unnaturally so, as it slammed a backhanded claw into Eder’s shield, sending the Dyrwoodan man flying back into the remains of the ice sculpture of Rymrgand, his head knocking violently against the pedestal and stilling him at the base.

“A-Aloth,” the elf barely heard his name over the harsh whistling, and he dared to look once more in the direction of the one he had truly come to care for, despite his reticence in letting her know. And there it was. That knowing smile. The one that would normally warm his heart instead sank it deep within his chest, settling in his stomach where he doubted it would ever rise again. 

‘I can’t save them,’ he realized, the spell he was finishing fizzling in his grasp as another claw came down around his captain’s body, covering it from his view, but not without causing a gruesome splatter. His stomach churned and he looked away, knowing his distance from the fight simply meant he would be the last to join them.

He swore the dragon began to chuckle as it inhaled again, filling its chest with frozen air intended to erase him from existence. This foe was just too strong. As once more the icy chill of snow and hail began to rain around him, numbing his core, he was left only with that failure. ‘I can’t save her,”  

He awoke drenched in sweat, a stark contrast from the chill of the nightmare that was rapidly escaping his mind. He was breathing sharply, and pushed his grimoire from his chest, a heavy thud hitting the deck below that caused him to wince. Thankfully, he realized none of the light sleepers were present, with Eder heavily snoring in the hammock below his and Serafin’s smaller form curled up in a cot across the way.

‘A quick walk then,’ he wiped his brow with his blanket, nimbly exiting his hammock and replacing his grimoire among his other belongings before heading above deck, taking his time to avoid eye contact with any of the other crew he happened by. 

“Bad dreams takin’ to you too, Aloth?” Xoti echoed from the hall as he climbed upward, and he tried not to startle at the sudden acknowledgement. She was always where you never expected these days, and it was rapidly becoming disconcerting.

“AAH, ah, yes. You could say that,” he looked anywhere but her eyes as she loomed forward with interest, the soft and eerie glow of her lantern brightening as she grew closer. She unhooked it from her belt and peered within, as though seeking some answer from it, before eyeing him once more.

“They haunt me too. Every night. I wonder if I’ll ever get a proper sleep again...” she chuckled suddenly, as if in on her own joke. “But of course I will. When Gaun’s done with me, that is,” 

“W-well. We can’t all hope for divine intervention. I’ll just be getting some fresh air,” he brusquely shut down the conversation, desiring little more insight to the demons that undoubtedly haunted the Dawnstar priestess, and deeply hoping either she or the Watcher had that situation under control. Xoti shrugged and Aloth quickly exited, closing the door to below decks quite firmly behind him. 

It was just past midnight, partially cloudy, which allowed his eyes to adjust quickly to the deep nighttime sky. He took a deep breath, exhaling just as purposefully and noted the fog caused by his warm breath in the air. ‘We’re heading south,’ he acknowledged, and he shuddered, in part due to the chilly night as well as from the lingering horrors of his dreams.

“Can’t sleep?” he heard from above, and he didn’t bother glancing up. Idralia often spent her time in the rigging or crow’s nest when she wasn’t in her quarters. He hadn’t fully expected to find her out here at this hour, but then her proclivity for wearing a patch often meant she stretched her eyes in the dark rather than the light. 

“I slept well enough, but...” he shook his head. It was a dream, for gods sakes. Divination wasn’t his strong suit or a personally strong belief, particularly after learning the mortal nature of the so-called deities. Surely, dreams could hold meaning, but why would the divine ever reveal a truth to him when they could speak directly to the Watcher?

He heard a gentle thump as Idralia dropped down behind him, and he leaned against the railing of the ship, looking out and anywhere but at her. The memories, even if they were imagined, were still too fresh. Thankfully, she didn’t press, leaning backwards into the railing instead so that they might not need to meet eye to eye.

“You know, I’m not fond of the cold. Hate it, actually. Winter’s my least favorite season,” she wrinkled her nose. “Part of why I like the Deadfire so much. Stick in the right parts and it’s pleasant year-round,” 

“I find it hard to believe that pirates, sea monsters, ghost ships, and conniving bureaucrats are that much better than a bit of snow and wind,” he replied, thankful for the distraction in conversation.

“A whole lot more exciting at any rate. Your ship gets frozen and there winds up being not much to do but sit around. I prefer to keep moving,” he could see the hint of a smile on her lips from the corner of her sight, and he smirked in response.

“Is that why we’ve been everywhere around the Deadfire except Magran’s Teeth?” she laughed uneasily at the question and turned slowly to face out to the water, her smile more sheepish now.

“You’ve got me. There’s a lot I want to end, especially this whole half-a-soul situation, but...” she grew quiet, contemplative, and he saw her glance his way again. Still, he could not meet her eyes. “But not everything,” she finished quietly, and he understood there was so much more unsaid behind her statement. 

That moment hung between them a while, the two listening to the waves hit the side of the ship, the creak of the wood and rigging, the flap of the canvas sails in the night breeze. It centered both of them in different ways and, for a moment, he was back on the roads of the Dyrwood with her, when they might instead be listening to the crackle of the campfire and the crickets in the countryside. 

“Well,” he started, after a time, “I think there’s still quite a lot we have left to do. And we don’t have to start with the coldest tasks first,” he finally turned his head to look at her, and she met his eyes. He smiled gently, encouragingly, and she chuckled.

“What, tell Ydwin to wait her turn?” she sighed, and he could tell she bore the weight of responsibility to her crew and their needs.

“The choice is ultimately yours. You’re the captain, after all—we’re all going to go where you take us,” he reasoned. “Certainly you might need to approach things with more focus but... perhaps consider that focus should be on something for you.” 

Idralia looked at him with a more startled glance and she studied his face for a moment. After a while, she closed her eyes, turned her head back out over the water, and sighed. 

“You give good advice, Aloth. Perhaps I shouldn’t get ahead of myself on this one... and honestly, those bounties actually are starting to rot,” 

“I mean, I wasn’t going to bring it up, but...”

“But they’re stored in a chest below Tekehu’s bunk and you don’t mind his quiet torment?” she winked at him and he suppressed a smile in spite of himself. 

“Even I’m not that cruel,” he raised his hands helplessly and Idralia gave him a gentle shove. 

“Alright, you’ve made your point. I think we’ve got quite a bit to report on back at Neketaka. And honestly... I could use a dip in the bath house again. I doubt the crew would fight me much on that one,” she reasoned, and they both knew full well a shore leave would be well-received. 

“I’ll never be one to complain,” Aloth reassured and Idralia returned a smug grin. ‘Oh no,’ He walked into this one, and he knew it.

She leaned in close, uncomfortably close, and murmured.

“You’ve never been one to complain about a good view, Corfiser,” 

Without giving him so much as a second to sputter in protest, she pushed herself from the railing and headed to the door below decks, casting a last sidelong glance at him to enjoy the bewildered look on his face. The night was too dark to catch the beet red blush across his cheeks, spreading onward to the tips of his ears, but he hardly doubted she needed the visual confirmation of his discomfort. They knew each other far too well. 

He let her close the door behind her before he sighed to himself, sinking his hot face in his hands down against the railing until he felt the cool wooden surface on his forehead. ‘I’ve avoided one catastrophe,’ he reassured himself, though he wasn’t so certain his nightmare was anything more than the feverish imagination of his innate worrywart. 

‘But what else am I walking into?’ he wondered, knowing with growing certainty he couldn’t keep this awkward dance of theirs going on forever.

[weakzen]

11a. companions: tell us about your watcher’s opinions on their inner circle! do they recruit all of the available companions? do they do all of their quests? are there any that your watcher is particularly fond of/hostile towards? do their opinions towards any companions change during the game or their personal quests?

Durance: When he started gleefully recounting the purges and how he relished killing the Hollowborn, she told him that her lady-feelings were becoming too hysterical in his presence, so it would be best if he kindly fucked off forever. He slunk away, cursing her and everyone else, after he realized the entire group was itching to back her up with their fists.

Sagani: She led Sagani to Persoq and, more importantly, helped Sagani realize how much she missed her family. Their relationship was warm and full of friendly teasing. In particular, Sagani gave Seraphina no end of shit when she caught the cipher using her mental binding powers to paralyze a deer before shooting at it. After witnessing that atrocious (yet clever) display, she strongly insisted on teaching Seraphina the proper way to hunt.

They kept in touch initially, after Sagani returned to Naasitaq. But, after sending a few letters and receiving no response, Seraphina figured the other woman just wanted to move on with her life and never sent any more.

Zahau: She and the group helped him find some measure of closure on his past, to the point where he felt comfortable returning home to find a new tribe. When he departed for Ixamitl, she was happy for him. They also did a lot mushroom trips vision quests together, along with the, uh, more adventurous members of the group.

Kana: Two nerdy and nosy extroverts bumping into each other at a creepy, haunted castle? She and Kana clicked instantly. He taught her how to sing (though, she still can't carry a tune) and she encouraged him to keep pushing forward in his goals, despite learning the truth about the Engwithans. She really appreciated his earnestness and gregariousness in the midst their trials and all the terrible things she was going through personally. When he returned to Rauatai, she cried and gave him a good, long hug, and they both kept in touch with each other via regular letters.

Maia: Seraphina accepted her into the crew and, on the surface, they got along fine and quite jovially—but Seraphina listened when Maia said she was a spy and never trusted her. Their relationship cooled after Maia revealed what Atsura had ordered her to do, then it severed completely after Seraphina blew up the powder house and kneecapped Rauatai. It still hurt, though, when she received Maia's missive condemning her and her actions. It hurt even more, then, when she realized her friendship with Kana was probably beyond repair as well.

Xoti: For as much as she liked Xoti and admired her drive and ferocity and bluntness, she was never able to bridge those feelings into a close friendship with the priestess. Ultimately, Seraphina learned that she fundamentally can't respect unquestioning zealotry. She still encouraged Xoti to step back from the darkness though, and helped her find a repository for the souls with the animancers. And when Maia and Xoti finally hooked up, Seraphina felt nothing but happiness for the two of them.

Pallegina: In the Dyrwood, Seraphina was warm and open with Pallegina, and extremely sympathetic to how life had treated her for being godlike. (Quietly, she was also fascinated by Pallegina's godlike characteristics and how they differed from her own). Seraphina's persistent friendliness eventually got Pallegina to loosen up—and even laugh a few times—but it also encouraged her to disobey the ducs.

Their relationship was noticeably colder in the Deadfire, though it did improve slightly when they rescued Giacolo. Seraphina remained friendly and open and hopeful, but she also understood, on some level, that she and Pallegina would never be close because Pallegina blamed her for the exile and resented being forced to depend on her company to regain favor with the ducs.

Grieving Mother: After meeting Lady Webb, she was giddy to encounter another cipher, although that quickly changed. Seraphina appreciated that the midwife truly cared about helping people, but the way she'd gone about using her powers to do it… Well, that only validated that she'd made the correct choice to stay out of other people's minds—including the Grieving Mother’s. She never unraveled the full truth behind the Birthing Bell, but she did learn what her former companion was up to when she visited Edér in Dyrford. And, when she checked, she was heartened to see it was just helping people deliver babies, not messing with their perception and memories anymore.

[dragonologist-phd]

How about 17 for the Spotify Wrapped writing meme? :)

send me a number 1-100 and i’ll write a short fic based on the corresponding top song on my spotify wrapped  

17. Lantern - The Ballroom Thieves

the heart believes in something more than what's been said the heart's a two-faced fortune teller

(this one is actually already on my Miervaldis/Xoti playlist, so of course I had to write something for them!)

(ao3)

Some nights, Miervaldis and Xoti stay awake long after the others have fallen asleep.

It usually happens when they are both particularly troubled by dreams, and neither wish for the struggle of returning to sleep. Instead, they sit in the light of the moon or the dwindling campfire, and they talk. There is much to talk about, after all- the gods they serve, the roads they’ve traveled, the visions which have followed them both throughout their lives.

One night, when the fire has died and the moon is dark and the only light that remains comes from the soft glow of Xoti’s lantern, the priestess pauses in the story she tells to glance sheepishly at Miervaldis. “You’re nice to talk to, you know,” she says. “Most folk can’t stand when I chatter on like this. Thanks for listening so well.”

Nice to talk to. It’s not a compliment Miervaldis receives often. He turns those words over in his mind, then replies, “There is no need to thank me. It feels good to speak with someone who understands.”

Xoti chuckles. “No kidding. Gets kind of old, having everyone treat me like I’m…” she pauses and chews at her lip, worrying over something which she doesn’t voice. “Don’t get me wrong, I know I’m odd. Just don’t see why that’s such a terrible thing. Still, I don’t want to be talking your ears off if you’d rather I’d give you a bit of peace.”

The low light of the lantern throws shadows over Xoti’s face as she speaks, but every now and then a soul will pass near the glass and catch her face in its glow. The lantern’s light is not warm, but her eyes are- she is. She is warm and inviting and, yes, odd. She is different from anyone else Miervaldis has ever known. She is passionate and haunting and unpredictable. She is beautiful.

“Do not worry,” Miervaldis says. “I like talking to you, very much.”

I like you, very much. Those are the words he does not say. He will, someday, but not yet. Not while she still talks about Edér with a sigh in her voice.

Tonight, he just makes her smile, and that is enough.

[eldritchsurveys]

o27.

// Random Survey Questions // By: @x-hallie-x // What was the last thing you spent a lot of time thinking about? >> Keahi, my Watcher (player character) in the Pillars of Eternity series. I was just imagining the differences between em in the first game and em in the second game, and also imagining em being sexy-flirtatious with Xoti (a character in the second game), because I’m a thot.

What do you think about astrology/the zodiac? If you used to believe/not believe in it, what changed your mind? >> I think astrology is neat. I used to hate it because all I knew about it were people saying that Geminis are two-faced and manipulative and all this other shit, and I got tired of hearing insults about me based on some arbitrary star shit (as I thought at the time). But one of my friends got me into astrology by telling me about the cool shit like natal charts and gradually I got into it. Now I’m like “don’t talk to me unless you did your birth chart ;D ;D” (honestly it’s just FUN and I really relate to what my own birth chart tells me, and I’m not going to let fun-sucking people ruin it for me).

What is one conspiracy you believe in? Or one you think is total crap? >> I don’t know... I don’t really believe in any, per se, like whole-heartedly. I just think a lot of them are interesting. I also don’t know much about any, because I never did much research into them. The geo-engineering thing sounded interesting to me because that reminds me of terraforming in science fiction and stuff, and also the X-Files-esque idea of alien conspiracies as coverups for more insidious experiments and what not? That’s pretty cool. I just think conspiracies are cool from a, like... storytelling perspective, if that makes sense.

Where was the last place you traveled to and what did you do/who did you go with? >> I went to Chicago for my birthday weekend at the end of May, with Sparrow. I went to the Shedd Aquarium, the Adler Planetarium, and the Museum of Science and Industry, and Navy Pier, and I also ate a lot of food and drank a lot of cocktails. And I got to meet my friend Loki in person after being mutuals for years! It was great.

Where was the last place you didn’t want to go but had to anyway? >> I can’t remember.

If you could be doing anything right now, what would it be? >> I mean, I’m pretty happy doing what I’m doing right now, and I don’t want to poke at that too hard and make myself dissatisfied for no reason.

What made you pick up the last book you read? Are you glad you did? >> The last book I finished was Dune Messiah, and I picked it up because I’d read the first book and wanted to keep going. Yeah, I’m glad, it’s an interesting series.

When was the last time you yelled/screamed and why? >> I don’t remember, I rarely do that.

Why is your greatest fear your greatest fear? >> I’m not sure. I think I went todash one too many times and I came back with a set of anxieties as a souvenir. I never used to get all up in my brain about death, in fact I never understood people who were anxious about it at all. And now it’s my thing. I don’t like it, but I guess I have to live with it, and I’m doing my shitting best.

What was the last big decision you made? Do you think you made the right choice? >> I’m not sure? I have a hard time remembering stuff like this.

If you could have any animal as a pet (in a magic universe where wild animals can be tame or something!) what animal would you choose? >> A DRAGON. A WHOLE ASS DRAGON. Fuck it.

What Hogwarts house are you in? What do you think about the “stereotypes” regarding your house? >> I’m a Slytherclaw! I used to get annoyed at unnecessarily negative Slytherin stereotypes but like... meh, whatever. The whole House system is based on stereotypes in the first place, so that’s to be expected. 

What is your favorite song to sing? How about dance to? Do the DO to? >> I’m going to pick random favourites since I don’t have just ONE favourite anything, haha. To sing: Some Time Ago... by Dethklok To dance to: This Corrosion by Sisters of Mercy To get freaknasty to: Some Kind of Stranger by Sisters of Mercy

What is something you want to do, but you don’t think you’ll ever be able to? >> I’d like to live in a community, like a real community where people know and support one another, and share things, and look out for each other’s children, and make you feel like you belong to them. I just... I don’t know. I don’t know if I’ll ever have that.

Have you ever given something up for another person? >> Sure, I mean, I can’t think of any examples right off the top of my head, but I’m pretty sure that’s happened before.

What was wrong with you the last time you felt sick? >> Drank too much, probably.

What is something about your personality that you hope never changes? >> I hope I’m always curious about things and eager to learn.

If you could be famous/known for something, what would you want it to be? >> I really don’t know.

Do you prefer to watch movies with other people or by yourself? >> I like watching movies with other people! But sometimes people’s movie rules don’t match up with mine (like, I don’t mind people talking during movies unless they’re really deep ones and I need to concentrate... but a lot of people don’t want any talking at all, and that’s too much for me). And sometimes people are like... just no fun to watch movies with, you know the kind of person, where they complain about everything or say “that looks so fake lol” or stuff like that? Buzzkills. Fuck that. But! other than that, sure, I like to watch with other people. It’s fun.

What, if anything, are you trying to change about yourself? >> I’m not really trying to change anything, more trying to adapt to myself and be kinder and more patient to myself. Trying to live by example, yanno. And also I’m just tired of struggling with myself, lmao.

How would you describe your soul (old, young, wise, like some sort of animal, flower, etc)? >> I’m a Singularity! The infinite fathomless unknown core of a supermassive black hole, which could be anything from a single point of pure light to a silent void to an entire universe in its own right. The fact that we (humanity) don’t know what’s inside of a black hole makes it an infinity of possibilities (and I think that’s what it is anyway, not just ONE THING or THIS OTHER THING, but all things -- the Prim, the primordial soup, taking shapes when observed but otherwise purely infinite), and that’s me!

Where were you when you first listened to your favorite song? Did it become a favorite immediately or later on? >> Hmm... well, I know I was in New Orleans when I first heard Volbeat’s A Broken Man and the Dawn, which is one of my favourite songs. It did become a favourite immediately.

When was the last time you were embarrassed? >> I don’t remember. It’s not something that sticks, which is what I tell myself when I do get embarrassed -- I’m literally going to forget about it in a day, so no point dwelling on it. ...I think that’s a self-fulfilling prophecy, though. If I don’t dwell on it, then I don’t form memory anchors, which is why I forget about it in a day. Ha! Brain: HACKED

When was the last time you felt especially good about yourself? >> Probably either the last time Hallie said something nice about me :’) or the last time Can Calah said something about his observations of me over time.

What was the last thing you ate? Would you have preferred something else? If so, what? >> I ate a veggie burger with spinach on it, and sweet maui onion chips. Also, it took me like four tries just now to remember how to spell “maui”, for some reason, lmfao. And nah, I was cool with that.

The last time you drank alcohol, what were you doing/who were you with? >> I drank a glass of Rosé yesterday because it was World Rosé Day. That’s an improvement, because usually I just drink the bottle lmfao but nope, just that one glass, and it took me like 2 hours to finish it! This is going better than I expected. I have decided not to drink again until Wednesday (because Wednesday, yanno), and I already set out what I’m going to drink that day and I’m not going to deviate from it. If you want to help hold me accountable, here’s what I chose: one (1) bottle of Backwoods Bastard and one (1) glass of 1000 Stories wine. That’s my limit! Anyway, back to the actual question -- I was just hanging out at home with Sparrow tumblin’ and watching Parts Unknown.

What kind of a drunk are you? >> A... talkative one? A giggly one? A maudlin one, oftentimes. I know the big thing is that people drink to forget their emotional stuff, but I drink to access it.

What’s the most fun you’ve ever had on a drug/trip? >> Oh, man, I don’t even know. There have been a lot of fun trips. So many. One time we took dex and went walking around the Upper West Side and ran into this band performing on the street and they said if you give them a word they’ll make up a song about it on the spot and Sigma said “otters” and Crystal said “threesomes” and so they made up a song about otter threesomes. I’ve seen and felt so much of the pure ridiculous amazingness of NYC while tripping that I can’t even process it all.

What’s the most dangerous or risky thing you’ve ever done? Did you enjoy it or regret it? >> I guess the times I’ve shipped myself across state lines to live with people I’d met online and never before seen in person until then. Like, you know, you hear the horror stories. But nothing close to that has ever happened to me.

From how far up have you fallen/jumped before? >> I threw myself down a flight of stairs once. On purpose. I was also todash, so. (I was completely fine after, physically. Yeah, I don’t know how, either.)

Other than this survey, what was the last thing to get on your nerves? >> THIS SURVEY IS BOMB WHAT DO YOU MEAN Uh... hmm. I don’t remember. :/a

What was the last thing to make you laugh? >> I don’t remember but I also just thought about BZONKED and started laughing again.

What is an inside joke you have between you and a friend/etc? >> Well there’s BZONKED and HOT GATORADE and also hey Hallie remember skagit... >:3

What was the last new thing you learned? >> I don’t remember.

How would you describe your blog content? Do you only reblog specific things or does anything go? >> My personal blog is just... stuff I love, I guess, and stuff I care about. But like, there’s stuff I love that I have other blogs for, specifically -- oedonvevo is for memes and shitposts and fandom overflow (stuff that I like but don’t necessarily want to clog my main blog with); and oedon is for my RPG fandom stuff, my OCs and headcanons; and fuzzbones is for cute shit. And this, of course, is for surveys.

When was the last time you left somewhere for forever (or at least don’t plan on returning)? >> I guess when I moved out of New York two years ago.

What is the most destructive thing you’ve done? >> I’m not sure.

What was the last big decision you made? Do you think you made the right choice? >> Psst this one’s a repeat question! ;D

What video game are you playing now? Do you prefer to play alone or with others/multiplayer games/online games? >> I’m playing like 48479837 at once, tbh. Nah, actually, right now I have World of Warcraft, Elder Scrolls Online, Final Fantasy XIV, Guild Wars 2, Pillars of Eternity, and Mass Effect Andromeda (which I feel like I’m NEVER going to finish) going. I also have save files on Torchlight II, Skyrim, Oblivion, Torment: Tides of Numenera, and a couple of others that I sometimes go back and poke around on. I just really love my video games, lmao. And I prefer to play by myself, because I have a low sense of confidence in my ability to play well with others. But as you can see, I also play four different MMOs, so I’m slowly learning how to get over my lack of confidence and just... ignore the assholes and look for the friendly people.

What was the last thing you found? >> MY SANITY yeah just kidding that’s still lost and I ain’t lookin for it

When will you be going out again and where? >> I’m not sure, actually.

Do you prefer to stay at home or do you like to be out and about? Where are your favorite places to go? >> I love to go out and about, but I... really don’t like where I live, unfortunately, so it’s a real downer. I spend a lot of time beating myself up about it, and I’m trying to stop, but you know... old habits. Also, like, I’m used to living in a big city, a big multicultural city, lived in one for most of my adult life, and it’s a hard adjustment, still. I don’t know how to meet people or do things here, nothing makes sense to me. And I feel culturally alienated as fuck. So, you know. I mostly just stay home. :/

Generally (or specificially, hell idc) what would you like your dream life to look like? >> I don’t really have a dream life, I just know I would like to live in a city again -- ideally New Orleans. And I want to have meatspace friends along with my internet friends! And I want to have money to travel.

When was the last time something about your life changed drastically/what happened? >> I guess the biggest recent change is getting back with Hallie, although like... you know how sometimes a big change happens and it should feel more strange, but it... isn’t? Like, I don’t want to diminish how big of a thing this is, but it also kind of just feels... comfortable enough that it doesn’t shake up my life a whole lot. There are things to adjust to, but they’re not like SUPER HARD OMG adjustments or anything, in fact they’re probably pretty helpful to my growth as a person, so I’m cool with them.

What is one talent you wish you had? What about one you are working on? >> Hmm. I’m not sure. I like the skills I have. :3 I guess I’m constantly working on my gaming skills, and I tend to think that I’m not improving but if you look back over the past 6 or so years, I have definitely improved. I can’t even deny that to myself. So that’s good!

What makes you feel “not good enough”? >> Thinking about employment.

What was the last thing you quit? >> I didn’t quit drinking, but I quit drinking the way I was drinking. 

What is one drug you want to try? With who/where? >> Shrooms, but I’m also... well, you know, after all the going-todash and whatnot, I’m understandably anxious about it. But I’d like to try it with a friend who is experienced with them and will do them with me, and a friend who will be sober and kinda just looking out for us (me especially lmao). That would be the ideal situation.

Has any movie totally freaked you out? What’s the craziest movie you’ve ever watched? >> District 9 did, but that was because I had been up for 4 days straight and my understanding of reality was starting to shit itself anyway. The craziest movie I’ve seen is probably Antichrist, or A Serbian Film, for two different reasons. The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus was also pretty wild, and so was Mirrormask. And let’s not discount Sunshine...

What is something you don’t like to do alone? >> Drugs.

What about something you only like to do alone (like, something besides the expected things)? >> I’m not sure. It’s really just the expected things. Most things I don’t like to do with just anyone, but that doesn’t mean I only want to do them by myself, either.

What is something you find difficult that many others do not? >> Employment.

When was the last time you smiled and why? >> I don’t remember. I don’t really notice when I do, all the time.

Do you like to help people? How about animals? Which would you rather help, if it applies? >> I guess so, yeah. Like, it’s not a huge impulse of mine or anything, but generally I’d prefer to be helpful than to be apathetic or hurtful. Although sometimes those other two things happen too, since I’m... a whole person and not just an archetype of one. Anyway, I’m probably biased towards humans, because... I am one, I guess. I don’t know. I like animals and I respect them, but what little affective empathy I have is reserved for people. It’s not an infinite resource, unfortunately. 

What was the last thing you wasted? >> I don’t remember. Probably water, like running the faucet or something.

What was your last purchase?  >> The two Zeal & Ardor albums off Amazon!

As an adult, what is the most & least you’ve weighed? >> 145, I’d say, and 110.

Who was the last person to leave your life and what caused this to happen, if anything? >> Sigma. It’s... well, it really is a long story, and I’m guessing it’ll get told in pieces over the course of survey-taking, but telling it in one shot is nigh impossible. There’s a lot of fucking shit to unpack.

What was the last compliment you recieved? Insult? >> The last compliment... probably from Hallie, in a survey, haha. I don’t remember the last insult.

What did you order at the last restaurant you went to? >> The last place I ordered food at was Wendy’s and I got a chicken sandwich and fries.

When you are sad/etc, what kinds of things help you feel less shitty? >> Funny/cute TV shows, music, stuffed animals (stim therapy in general, like wrapping up in a blanket or finding a way to pressure-stim or doing repetitive motion), people doing silly shit or memes (that depends, though, sometimes it doesn’t get through to me but sometimes it does!), sitting outside on a sunny quiet day for a little bit, watching animals doing animal things, eating a good food (especially if someone brought it for me).

What’s the latest you’ve stayed up this past week? Latest you slept in? >> I haven’t stayed up late at all! I’ve been going to bed at midnight and it’s been working pretty well so far. The latest I’ve slept was to about 10a but that was also because I got woken up in the middle of my sleep so my REM cycle and shit was all thrown off.

Is there anything you feel like you have to do every single day or its not complete? >> Hmm... a survey ;D lmao I don’t know

What was the last chore you did? >> I don’t remember.

What is causing the most stress/anxiety in your life right now? Will this situation end/resolve soon? >> Nothing specific, just like... feelings of personal doom and stuff like that, nothing logical, just... todash leftovers, I guess. I hope it resolves soon, but I’m afraid I might just have to... live like this. :T I wonder if there’s a like... chill anti-anxiety med I can take sometimes or something.

When you think about outer space, what thoughts/feelings come to mind? >> !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What is the most immature thing you do (or laugh at)? >> I laugh at stupid sex jokes all the time. Like, the stupider the better. “hurr hurr bone” that sort of thing.

Have you ever intentionally hurt someone? >> Yeah. I’m a sadist and I’ve known at least one masochist, soooo.... ;p But if you mean like.... in a mean nonconsensual way, maybe? I don’t remember any specific times, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t ever.

What was the last lie you told? Did anyone notice? Did you feel bad? >> I don’t remember. I don’t really have much use for lies. 

When was the last time you went to the doctor? >> February or so.

Have you ever been in therapy? If so, what did you think of the experiences? >> Yes, and now I’ve got all this NEW trauma to unpack! THANKS, THERAPY!!!

What kinds of clothing do you like to wear? >> Oh, a bunch. I just don’t feel like... comfortable in everything, you know? Like even stuff I like! I like it on other people, or I like it in the store, but when I put it on it’s just Wrong. I’m either the wrong height or the wrong weight or my features don’t fit the look or I’m too ungainly in it or... I don’t know. Meh.

What is something you like that no one else you know likes too? >> I mean, I know a lot of people (online lol), so... yeah, I don’t think there’s anything like this.

What is something you don’t like that everyone seems to like? >> Napoleon Dynamite. I just didn’t like it, but it’s not like... a big deal or anything. Sometimes you just don’t like things. I just think it’s funny that I can’t think of anyone else who doesn’t like it.

Do you judge other people based on the foods they eat? >> Nah. Life is short, brah. Eat up (or don’t? hehe).

Do you follow a particular diet/meal-plan/ethic? >> No, I think the closest thing to a “diet” that I’d like to follow is the Mediterranean diet, but that’s because I love Mediterranean food and the whole food culture and everything. It’s really just about what makes me feel good to eat, what I enjoy seeing on a plate, what just speaks to me, and that’s it.

Are you involved in politics or do you tend to avoid them? Is there a reason for this? >> I tend to avoid them, because I don’t know shit about shit and while I care about specific things (like, I think I should be able to live without facing violence because of some aspect of my identity, yanno), I don’t.... I don’t really have enough rage to like... be an activist or anything. I support people who are fighting for these things! I just... it’s not my thing. And actual politics, like who’s in government? I just assume they’re all corrupt -- not because they’re bad people, but because they’re caught in this sticky web of a system where you’re forced to be ruthless and conniving and two-faced and like... after a while it becomes normal for you. I would hate to be a politician, because no matter how you start out, you either end up dying or living long enough to see yourself become the villain. That’s just how it is. :c

What is a subject you tend to avoid with other people, for whatever reason? >> Religion. Because inevitably someone’s going to start talking about how all religion is bad, and then I’ll have to leave. (But like, my friends and SOs are fine! I actually love talking about religion with people that are into it the way I am, like it’s a big special interest of mine and I am so excited when I run into people who enjoy talking about religion and culture and mythology and how important it all is to being human. I even like talking to people who have become disillusioned with organised religion and have ideas about how they’d like it to be, or even just people who have the same religious traumas I have and are trying to cope. But like... well, you know. Some People, lmao. Can’t talk about shit with them.)

When was the last time you changed your mind about something? What made things change? >> I don’t remember, but listen, I’m a Gemini, I change my mind all the time.

If there was a colony on Mars and you could actually feasibly go live there, would you want to? >> HELL YEAH WTF THAT’D BE DOPE AS SHIT but like can I have dual citizenship because I also love Earth and I wouldn’t want to leave it forever-forever :’(

What kinds of things make you homesick, or do you get homesick very much? >> Photos of Jackson Square or the Mississippi River, zydeco music, certain foods and smells, a bag of Zapp’s from Potbelly, Purple Haze beer, certain songs in my library... and yeah, I get homesick all the time. It’s a real problem.

What is the longest (or most involved) thing you’ve ever written? >> I wrote a story that’s still up on deviantART, called Once Thought Damned, and it’s basically really derivative of the kind of books I was into back then (paranormal erotic romance), but I also still really love those characters and the stories I was trying to tell in my fumbling “haven’t found my voice yet” sort of way, and I still think about them all the time. But yeah, I think it’s... at least 50k words long, and took me a few years to finish. So I’m proud of that.

If you could choose, would you be yourself or someone else? >> I don’t know what it’s like to be anyone but me, so how could I choose? Hell, selfhood is weird enough as it is without this question messin me up xD

What is something you really like - it could be anything - just gush! >> Oh, I would gush, but also I need to conserve my energy, this is a long survey! ;D

What about something you just can’t stand, a pet peeve, a resentment, etc? >> I really don’t like when people make fun of people for being excited about things. It doesn’t matter what the thing is. I just... I really don’t like that. You don’t have to like whatever it is, but just... don’t fucking piss on their parade, okay? No one asked for your downer ass opinion anyway.

What is the highest elevation you’ve been to? >> I don’t know! I guess it was probably someplace in Colorado, though.

What do you think of love? >> I think it’s fascinating. I think I don’t understand it most of the time, and that’s okay too. I think sometimes that love is the exact nature of the willful force that shapes reality. I think it’s something science should leave to the poets and mystics, although science never will, because that’s the nature of science, and that’s... actually okay, too.

What is one food you used to like but no longer do? >> Cosmic Brownies. I used to eat them a lot because they’re cheap and calorie-dense and when you’re on food stamps that’s pretty great. But... god. GOD. I could gag just thinking about them, now.

How would you describe your eating habits? >> I don’t know that I can! I try to eat as well as possible but I also try not to give into neurosis about it (that uh... orthorexia? is that what it’s called? that’s a hole that’s really fuckin easy to fall into). I try to enjoy what I eat. I try to go for variety and colour and fun arrangements and weird combinations. I try to show love for myself by eating things that make me feel good.

Do you prefer to live with others or by yourself? Why is this? >> I prefer to live with others because I’m crazy, and I spiral downwards really quickly by myself. I depend on others to keep me grounded, because I’m not exactly fully... In Reality(tm). I also have a lot of, uh... like, weird autistic issues like the idea of cleaning bathrooms making me want to scream and claw my skin off, so it’s nice to live with someone who doesn’t have those issues and is willing to do it for me. Also, I literally cannot afford to live by myself, so, you know.

What scares you about getting older? >> The idea of infirmity isn’t a fun one. I’ve been spoiled by having a healthy body all these years, the idea of the slow decline is therefore unnerving. But I think I can handle that, realistically, I just... fear(tm). Also, of course, I’m afraid I’ll never stop being anxious about death. I want to know that I’ll have enough time to come to terms with it.

What is one thing you find attractive? >> Vulnerability. (Which is probably at the root of a lot of my kinks, like desperation and shit.)

Who did you last tell a secret to? Or just sensitive info? >> lmao I told Hallie who the person was that I had a crush on but didn’t want to mention in the survey I’d taken. :p

What kind of blogs do you follow? >> Man I follow almost 900 blogs, I don’t even know where to begin. (I used to follow around 1200, so that’s actually a conservative number for me.)

Have you made any good friends online? How long have you known them? >> Sure, I suppose I could say that. I’ve had some mutuals for anywhere from 6 months to like 4+ years. And there’s Elle, who I’ve known since my VF days, so since 2009. Almost ten years!

What is something really weird/embarrassing that you’ve done? >> I tried to use one of those menstrual cup things once and then I couldn’t get it out and I had a meltdown in the bathroom and Sigma had to come take it out for me. That’s the first thing that came to mind, lmao. I fucking hate those things with a violent passion and I will never use one again.

What about something you’ve done that sounds too wild to believe? >> I had a one-night stand with Aur-elio Vol/taire. (I put the slash and dash in to keep his name out of searches, lmao.)

What does it mean to you to trust someone? >> I guess that I give them the tools to hurt me with the faith that they won’t use those tools in that way (not intentionally anyway -- so I also have the faith that if they do hurt me, it’s probably unintentional and I should at least give them a chance to explain themselves). Or something like that.

What was the last thing you drank? >> Water.

What’s the weather doing where you are? >> It’s cool and cloudy.

What was the last thing to go completely wrong? >> Oh man I tried to make this fuckin flapjack cup microwave thing last week sometime and I put water in it instead of milk by accident and it just came out so bad. (It says water OR milk but let me tell you, it means JUST MILK, anything else is GROSS)

What kinds of things do you like to talk about? >> I can’t think of too many things I don’t like to talk about. I just don’t like to talk about some things with just anyone.

What was the last thing someone made fun of you for? >> I don’t remember. Probably Sparrow making fun of me for being a thirsty binch.

Name a book or movie from childhood that holds a special place in your heart? >> The Phantom Tollbooth.

What are some of your favorite words/word meanings? >> My mind is starting to melt lmao I don’t want to think this hard

When was the last time you procrastinated something? >> I procrastinated vacuuming and then I just straight up forgot to do it at all.

What mood/attitude do you tend to have when taking surveys, or does it vary? >> Usually I’m just... chill, like I usually am.

Has another survey-taker ever bitched you out for one of your answers?  >> Probably, in the past when the survey-taking crowd was a little more incestuous.

Have you ever bitched anyone out for theirs? >> No, that’s just rude.

How did you celebrate the most recent holiday? >> I don’t celebrate Memorial Day lmao fuck that it was MY BIRTHDAY and THAT’S IT

How does your birthday make you feel? >> Pretty good, usually.

How would you describe your relationship with your parents? Has it always been this way? >> I never knew my mother (she tried to visit a few times but she didn’t seem to want to know who I was, really, and I’m pretty sure at least one of those visits was just a ploy to try to get back in bed with my dad or something), and my relationship with my father has been tempestuous and not entirely great at times because he was not very compassionate and I was a seething bundle of traumas and emotional neglect but I still love and appreciate him. Unfortunately I’ve lost contact with him and I don’t know how to regain it, so that’s that, I guess.

What is the longest amount of time you’ve spent alone (or mostly alone, since this is the age of the internet and all, hah)? >> I’m not sure. I mean, I lived alone for almost a year (2009) with minimal outside contact and that was... hell... but like... normally I’m never alone for that long.

What was the last thing you asked for help with?  >> I don’t remember. But I finished this survey! It was very good. c: