#watch the fucking mummy come back for some stupid ass reason

[marzipanilla]

idk maybe it's bc I have so much going on rn but it feels like a lot didn't stick. or maybe I'm just hopeful I somehow forgot something and something else will be there on a rewatch lol

A show TPK after a crap season is just : / ouch. being relieved they're all dead is not a mood you want to be in I presume.

Pushing Daisies is a show by Bryan Fuller about a pie maker who can bring people back to life if he touches them (with caveats) : ) it is so whimsical, and so wild, and has such an amazing cast! it getting cancelled was truly a crime against all good taste, but it is VERY much worth watching. It is impossible for Bryan Fuller not to ask interesting questions about death, imo. all his Star Trek eps are about it too xD

I'm with you on viltrumites being able to stare at the sun, bc if these fucks travel in space they would need to be able to orient themselves without going blind, presumably. I also go with them being colder than humans on average, due to the fact their bodies need to shed heat quickly or they'll cook themselves by going too fast. Again, they have to be spending some kind of energy to do all they do, and there might be no friction in space but there is on planets and they do spend most of their time in some kind of atmosphere! so. they just don't retain heat, bc they can keep themselves 'warm' by how fast they go and the problem isn't heating up its cooling down. I also figure their skin is a bit more rubbery, bc yeah, you arent strong enough to cut them, but if they arent some kind of stretchy they'd just be brittle and we know they arent that. I think most of my other headcanons are just personal neurosis I think Nolan has and not necessarily viltrumites et al things xD

tho if I think about viltrumite biology too long I immediately start to wonder how any part of them breaks down once its no longer a part of them. like. shouldnt his blood never congeal (out of body) and never oxidize? wouldnt there be landfills of Nolan's shit on Earth bc there is no bacteria or creature capable of breaking it down?? did he have to provide enzymes from his own spit in order for them to create something to break down his own waste ??? if they could not find anything to harm them it is truly a horrifying thought bc things are more interconnected then people generally think about

anyway

I guess for as violent as they are as a species, I actually don't think they had that violent of upbringings. mainly bc if your entire population is that keyed up you'd have problems controlling them, so I think like, the military and expansion forces were hyped up that way, but even post-purge I think the vast majority of citizens weren't actually that hardcore physically trained. there's actually a fun detail in the comic when Nolan explains the expansion force to Mark he mentions that he actually failed the first few times he tried to join! and like! it such a small thing, but I like it. there is also something else from the comic that was definitely retconned by later issues but I cling to it and no one will take it from me until the day I die tho it has to do with Earth and not Viltrumites lol

them just fly/floating everywhere is such a mood, bc yeah its using a muscle, but so is walking. its part of why the 'dont fly in the house' thing this season annoyed the fuck outta me, not sure if we've covered this before or not xD cause like.. first two seasons plenty of mofos flying in your house without issue Debbie. if they wanted to keep a cutesy super hero version of dont run have it be no superspeed in the house. that makes sense. not something she had zero issue w before hand.

If you are calm enough to sneak up on Spiderman you get a raise. Peter has the worst month of his life in the process lol

God idk about Spiderman timeline that well or even watch age we're arguably thinking of for him here but- JJ just being like PETER! Go with my new friend and photograph stuff for his new book : ) think of it as a paid vacation! and it's fucking Nolan. Mark just being like, oh man, this is going to suck : / and Peter just being like ?? what ?? you are planning on killing me arent you. and Mark just being like lol no why do you have such a morbid sense of humor, no, my dad just takes my mom w him to a lot of these events and they're super horny at all times so like. good luck w that. So Peter is just on like a fucking wine tour across Europe w Nolan w his brain screaming this man can kill you at him the entire time and then yeah, unfortunately Mark was right, his parents are obnoxiously horny and it is not helping w the anxiety levels.

Nepo baby punch clock hero Mark just fucking looney toons'ing his ass through life bc the world is cardboard but he is not. casually causing untold nonsense in his wake bc, what the fuck you gunna do about it? Donald just having to be like, sir, unless we arrest him for jaywalking we have nothing :/

That's the thing, isn't it? in a world where superheroes are common place, why would Mark want to do something so mundane?? oh im gunna live a thousand years and im indestructible??? time to build me a weekend underground base on the moon! like. give him weird ass goals. fuck becoming detached from reality as an immortal way down the line, have this kid not even fucking start there. 'hey guys wanna see the worlds biggest diamonds??' -bear hugs a bag of coal then carves it into a statue w his bare hands- you dont need to eat drink or sleep except like once a month !! get fucking weird w it !! you literally have all the time in the world !! I get the caveat w Mark is that he basically started human, but if his mom treated life as insanely blase as his father I dont think the shift would be much for him lol

While I'm not too familiar with the DCU- your batfam meta posts are intiguing- so in transfering some of the broader strokes from them- I think you tackling a 'Mark isn't Nolan's biological son' fic would be fascinating. Sort of a step to the side of the 'what if Mark never got his powers' fic that sometimes pop up in the fandom

OOOOOO chewing on this currently, hm, the much a distinct flavor of exactly what you’re talking about, but the potential for more family drama depending on WHO knows. Does Mark know?? Is he waiting every day only to be crushed? Does he confused non-Debbie features with Nolan’s? I suppose I’m not the most enthusiastic about non-power AUs, but I think there’s something very fun to explore about Mark having to settle with, if he knows all his life, he will never have powers? I think the trajectory of his dreams will obviously shift, I can see him still having that distinct fatherly idolization, but perhaps embraces being useful to the GDA? Cecil’s number one intern—only intern—curtesy of nepotism, ha! There is something tickling me about Mark taking the Robin Route/Role for the Teen Team in terms of having no powers, just insane skills, BUT there’s something way more delicious about intern Mark when s1e01 happens and Mark tries snooping around to find out the truth about what happened to his Dad.

I wonder if, with Mark having a whole another father, if they’re more or less distant relationship, depending on WHEN Nolan entered Mark’s life? Like if Debbie met Nolan later for this, or just for fun, they dated once, separated (Mark being born during then), then they happened to stumble into each others lives again and Mark’s already been born, anywhere from tween to teenager so there’s a gap in how close they are. I feel like one important aspect of the whole Family Drama is how close they’re supposed to be, a functional, loving family turned upside down? So I wonder what more distance does. I wonder how Nolan copes when his family is entirely human and he can’t project onto Mark.

I love thinking about these, omg.

[kuroopaisen]

like breathing. (bokuto koutarou)

➵ you’d never really thought of getting a partner. not when bokuto was around. 

wc: 2.6k

warnings: none!

a/n: this one’s dedicated to chia and @jupiturde! you’re both so cute, and thank you for being so kind to me :( and for tolerating my endless ramblings hhh 

“Finally!” Bokuto’s groan rattled through the small apartment as he rushed towards you. “I’m hungry!”

You laughed as he threw his arms around you, pulling you into his chest. “It’s not my fault they were busy,” you mumbled, holding the takeout bag away from your bodies in a bid to stop it from getting crushed.

He grunts, but he pulls back and gives you a brilliant smile.

“What?” you laughed, reaching a hand up to ruffle his hair.

“I haven’t seen you in ages,” he pouted, and you couldn’t help but marvel at how expressive his face was. You’d missed it.

“I’m sorry,” you frowned, the brief shot of energy seeing him gave you crumbling away. Truth be told, you were just exhausted. It was Friday, and you’d just dragged yourself through the worst three weeks of your life. University had whacked you in the ass with a baseball bat, and what little structure you’d set up for yourself had collapsed inwards. On top of that, work had been merciless.

Worst of all, you hadn’t been able to find time to see Bokuto. So, you’d texted him only a few hours ago to tell him that you were coming over. You couldn’t wait any longer. You just had to see him. 

“What’s wrong?” He tilted his head at you, golden eyes round and sad, with a hint of panic. He’d read your emotions effortlessly. Like always.

“It’s just… been a tough month,” you offered him a smile. But you knew it was weak. But, you had to be honest with him. He wouldn’t stop pestering you otherwise.  

The takeout bag was whipped out of your hand, tossed onto the counter. Bokuto was gone, dashing down his hall. You took the opportunity to take off your boots.

He was back in a flash. You weren’t quite sure what happened next, but you didn’t fight it. Everything went dark for a second as a blanket was thrown over you, and you a pair of strong arms lifted you into the air.

A few steps, and he damn near suplexes you onto the couch with a ‘hmph.’ You snort, tugging at the blankets in an attempt to find the light.

By the time you manage to wriggle your head out of your swaddle, he’s already got Netflix up on the Xbox. His brow was creased, and the tip of his tongue peeking out of his mouth as he concentrated on the menu.  

Whoops, you thought, still unwrapping yourself. I’ve sent him into overdrive.

He always got like this whenever you were down. It’s why he was your first port of call whenever you were feeling down. The easiest way to pick up your spirits was to go to his place, put a shitty movie on, and lie in his arms.

There wasn’t much point in getting a partner. Not when Bokuto was around.

Bokuto had always been the very best friend you could’ve asked for. Loving him was like breathing; so easy, so natural. You’d met in the first year of high school, and you’d been damn near inseparable ever since. You’d never been as comfortable with anyone as you had been with Bokuto. And he felt the same way about you. And thankfully, your friendship had survived graduation. If anything, you were closer than ever, even if you didn’t see each other every day anymore.  

But in all those years, the two of you had never even thought about dating. Each other or anyone else.

You’d thought that would change after graduation. A lot of your friends had taken university as an opportunity to find a partner. You’d wanted to try something similar, at first. There was more time for that sort of thing now. You hadn’t really dated anyone in high school; you’d spent so much of your time trying to get into university, and none of the boys at Fukurodani had taken your fancy.

But, as the semesters ran on, the whole thing just sounded taxing. Getting a partner meant dating. Dating meant meeting people and trying to navigate your way through that excruciating introductory phase. Would you get along with this person? Were they normal? Were the two of you going to find each other dreadfully boring? Besides, you wanted to focus on your studies. Some people could juggle their studies, a partner and a fulfilling social life with grace, but you felt like you weren’t capable of that. And you didn’t want to risk it. Especially not after you’d finally gotten a job.

Bokuto had been far too busy to even think about having a proper relationship. Life had been a complete whirlwind for him these past few years. And he loved it. He was doing the only thing he’d ever wanted to do, and he was thriving. He was part of a V-League team, for goodness sake.

It was easier – and far more comfortable – to fill your spare time with each other.

You couldn’t quite remember how the affection had begun. You’d always been quite affectionate with each other; enough to have confused some people in high school, at least. The Black Jackals gave you shit for it too. Well, Atsumu gave you shit for it; but he was very good at rallying the team and getting them all the look at you two with sly smiles while Bokuto’s back was turned. It was embarrassing, but you didn’t go to practices enough to let it get to you.

But, ever since you’d moved into adulthood, more and more evenings were spent in each other’s arms. Had it been the late nights, where in your drowsiness you’d sought each other out? Was it because you were both starved for that kind of contact? Whatever the reason, it had become the natural order things. And frankly, you had no desire to change that. It was too convenient of an arrangement.

Why risk going on out with someone you didn’t like when you could just pop over to Bokuto’s place and get all the cuddling you needed?

“Alright!” He turned and beamed at you as the movie began to play. The Mummy Returns. A solid choice.

You smiled, tossing a corner of the blanket over him. He tugged it with enough force to pull you – still more or less wrapped up in it – towards him. He didn’t flinch, slipping his free arm around your waist and tugging you over to sit between his legs. You melted into his chest, curling towards him. You could’ve swore you heard him hum, but you were too preoccupied with calming the thrumming of your own heart to be sure.

“Hey Bokuto?”

“Yeah?”

“Can you tell me about your day?” You murmured.

“Sure!” You could hear the smile in his voice.

He launched into his story without a moment’s hesitation, actually starting from the moment he woke up. You smiled, closing your eyes.

God, you loved being like this. His toned arms wrapped around your waist as you lay against his chest, which was rapidly rising and falling as he rambled on. The sound of his voice, loud and dynamic as it was, gave you more comfort than anything else.

Being with him felt comfortable. It felt like home.

You could feel every part of him pressed against you. And as usual, you were trying to ignore it. Trying to ignore that little feeling that’d been nagging you for the last year or so. Since that morning you’d woken up in his arms, terrified by how unashamed you felt. Terrified that if you weren’t careful, you would ruin everything.

Bokuto was affectionate with you, yes. Maybe more affectionate than the average friend would be. But, that was him. What if he didn’t feel the same way? How would he feel, if he found out what was going on inside your head?

You were sure he would fight through the awkwardness for the sake of your friendship. But having to go a few months where things were unbearable? Having to adjust to that distance being between the two of you? No. You didn’t want to go through that.

He was still talking.

“And then,” he huffed, “the blockers were too fast, so I was gonna glance the ball of their hands. But the ball was too low, so it…” He was pouting, his cheeks puffed up a little. “So it rebounded right into my face.”

You laughed. You threw your head back, and you laughed.

Bokuto’s heart stuttered in his chest. He’d seen you laugh plenty of times, sure. Hell, you’d laughed at things he said more times than he could count.

But he knew he’d never quite get used to what that did to his heart.

And, he realised, this was the first time he’d seen like this in a long while.

Those last three weeks had been damn near unbearable. Usually, you two managed to see each other at least once a week. That alone was too long of a wait. But three weeks? Three whole weeks of not seeing you? That had been agony. He’d never had to go that long without seeing you before. You’d even moved to Tokyo within a week of each other.

He needed you around. He needed to hold you like this, to spend time talking about nothing of consequence while watching stupid movies. He needed to see you or else his motivation would be off all week.

But there you were, back in his arms as you laughed at something he said. And that look on your face? Seeing you happy like that? Nothing made his heart feel so full, so fond. He didn’t quite understand it, but you always managed to make him feel so, so... 

He leant forward and kissed your cheek.

You froze.

The gesture alone would’ve been innocuous in any other setting. Any other circumstance. But kissing of any kind was a boundary you’d never breached. You personally had been too afraid of them, and he’d never done anything like that himself. Until now.

You forced yourself to look up at him, shifting your entire body to face him.

He was red. His hair looked even stiffer than usual. If you were freaking out, the poor boy looked like he was collapsing from the inside.

“I—Uh—” His body was taut, eyes looking everywhere but you. “I didn’t mean to—I just felt—It seemed—”

Fuck it. You pushed upwards and placed a gentle kiss to the tip of his nose.

He froze. You froze. What the fuck were you going to do next? You didn’t know. The only certainty was the pounding in your ears.

Sure, you’d thought about this before. But you’d never acted on it. Not even after practice, when he stood there looking so hot. Or when you lay on his bed, close enough to feel his breath on your face when he laughed. Not even then.

But now?

He was staring at you, eyes wide and mouth formed in a little ‘o’.

You bit the inside of your cheek, in some weak attempt to hold yourself back. Even your palms felt all fuzzy. Was that normal? God, all you wanted to do was wrap your arms around his neck and--

“Can I-I kiss you?”

Had you imagined those words? Had he really just said that?

No time to think. You surged up and kissed him.

Fuck, he was good.

His hands were now gripping your waist as yours found their way into his hair, pressing yourself against him. His lips moved against yours, hot and soft and desperate. All hesitation was gone. And the sheer intensity of it all was starting to go to your head.

The blanket slipped off the two of you, and you shivered as the cool air hit your skin. His fingers grasped at your waist, and you sighed.

Something snapped. Bokuto flipped you over, laying you out on the couch as he propped himself up with his elbows. He didn’t break the kiss as he hovered over you, one of his legs pressed between yours. Your hands are gripping his shoulders, and you feel like your entire body is burning up.

You don’t know how he’s so good, but he’s giving it his all. Without thinking, your hands trace their way down his torso – you’d always known he was muscular, but shit. Next thing you know, he’s shirtless. And you’re losing your damn mind.

Why did it take you so long? You should’ve done this ages ago--

“Disgusting.” Oh shit. Sakusa.

“Called it.” Fucking Atsumu. You didn’t need to look at him to know his face was a little too smug.

You braved a glance at the door; a door that you hadn’t even heard open.

Fuck, even Hinata was there. He was just gasping, his mouth hanging open and takeout bag in hand.

Bokuto’s head snapped up, and you covered your burning face with your hands. Of course this was how it was going to go.

“Aw, come on, guys!” All things considered, Bokuto was remarkably unphased.  

“What are you doing here?” You managed to whine out, hands still clamped firmly over your face.

“Well, we thought today was games night at Bokuto’s,” Atsumu smirked. “But I see he’s found other ways to entertain himself.”

You peeked up at Bokuto from between your fingers. He was still positioned over you, but at least his face, neck and chest were starting to blush. And there was no word to accurately describe the look on his face.

“Oh,” he swallowed, seemingly at a loss of where to look, “we did agree to do that, didn’t we…”

“Koutarou, I’m going to kill you.”

He looked down at you again, expression caught between the sheer joy at hearing you call him by his first name and the absolute mortification of the situation at hand.

“Ooh, Koutarou,” Atsumu laughed. He was second on your hit-list, and you were going to make him suffer. “We’ll leave you to it!”

The door closed with a resounding thud. Were they… gone? Oh, yep – that was the sound of Hinata’s yell fading down the hallway.

Your hands fell from your face, a rush of relief hitting you. You’d really been through it tonight, huh?

You looked up at Bokuto. He was looking… somewhere.

“Koutarou.”

His gaze snapped to you immediately, eyes bright and hopeful.

“How did you forget?”

“You told me you were coming over,” He pouted. “I was so excited to see you that

“You are… unbelievably stupid,” you groaned. But you couldn’t ignore that feeling of lightness in your chest.

“But you still love me, right?” He’s pouting. And then he realises what he’s just said. So do you.

It’s not a word you would’ve thought about, in any other context. You’d made your love for each other quite clear. But there were so many ways in which you could love someone. In which you could love him.

You simply rolled your eyes, tilting your head up and pressing another kiss to his lips.

He melts.

“I love you, you dumbass,” you mumbled. But you couldn’t quite contain your smile.

You could feel his entire body perk up. He propped himself up, looking down at you with the brightest eyes in the world. You could get used to him looking at you like that.

“I love you!” With that, he peppered kisses on every inch of your face he could reach.

You ran your hand through his hair as he traced his way along your jaw.

Wait.

“Hey Koutarou?”

“Yeah babe?”

“We should probably reheat our food, huh?”

He groaned, burying his head in your shoulder. You laughed, your head lolling back.

Maybe this whole relationship thing is less work than you thought.

After all, loving him was like breathing.

[vtmb2s]

I had this from an ask meme from like 2 months ago or so and deleted the og post, I dunno why -_-  anyway it was in my google docs so I’m reposting it

🔥

How did they first meet? What was their first impression of each other?

You know… fun Zion Canyon trip!! (credit for this one goes to Dany cause I don’t have good ideas but the whole ordeal would actually happen pre-game, because that’s when the courier would most likely sign up for a caravan I think) 

Audrey thought Follows-Chalk was just messing with her when he said who they were gonna meet, no way this guy is still alive. Needless to say she hates him, she’s heard enough horrendous things about him in her NCR days to form her opinion. He didn’t like her much either aaaghhh how can you see through my fake atonement thing where I’m basically doing the same as before. (she doesn’t really see through it initially, she’s just too stubborn to buy the whole redemption arc thing from the beginning and ends up realizing that she just happened to be right). Understanding why she doesn’t trust him but also resenting that. 

Who felt romantic feelings first?

fjjhdsjhd he does probably, vaguely. She has a much harder time accepting it considering his background and all that, so that came later.

Did either of them try to resist their feelings?

YEAH! Both actually, enemies to vaguely friends to lovers and all that but like I said, Audrey has a much harder time coming to terms with this, she feels a little stupid about it because she knows what this guy has done!!! ( and he knows that, hence why he’s pushing it all down in favor of his stupid little revenge thing) He’s so weird and just looks like a mummy, what is there to like objectively. But she does. What thematic parallels do to a mfer 😔

Who initiated the relationship?

She did… Canyon visit nr 2, she technically fucking hates it there but for some reason she wants to go back (well. you know why), perhaps just a little vacation. And well there was clearly something there so why act on it. The most embarrassing moment of her life but it’s worth it I suppose. 

Who said “I love you” first?

Also her… Sorry queen you have to do all the work

Who gets jealous easily?

I think him but not in a way where he’d say anything, he’s just like 😐 but you can’t see it because. bandages. And Audrey has no competition lol so. 

Who is more protective?

Also him, she gets into more stupid shit and isn’t as crazy. 

Who remembers the little things?

She does :)

Who uses the cheesier pickup lines?

God neither. They’re too weird for pickup lines. If anything Audrey would list a few bad ones she overheard on the strip as a joke.

What does a first date look like for them?

They don’t go on dates lmao. What is there to do in a canyon, they’d just go to some random place where there are no other people and talk about whatever.

What do they like to do together?

Just mundane things, doing random shit while one is talking about whatever. A lot of times it’s just Audrey chatting about something funny or weird that happened to her on her travels while she puts on one of her favorite holotapes and does something, her stories are more light-hearted after all :/

Other than that… nothing too insane, they’re too weird to have proper hobbies. Her making him read his stupid mormon bible out loud so she can hear his sexy grandpa voice 😍

Do they like PDA?

No -_- maybe hand holding when no one’s looking, if anything. 

What are their big spoon / little spoon arrangements?

God he’s probably gonna die if she tries to spoon.

Does one like the cuddle more than the other?

She does but it’s not really possible sometimes. Leans against him until he's like aha. okay that’s enough :/

Who hogs the blankets?

Audrey does. She never sleeps much when she’s travelling so when she finally does get a proper night’s rest it’s limbs thrown around. Taking the entire blanket for herself. Sleeping for 20 years.

Do either of them like to cook?

I can’t imagine either, she just does it out of necessity. She can’t cook though, it’s blamco mac and cheese every mf day.

If they get married, who proposes first?

Godddd realistically he would at least think about it but they don’t get married lol. The mental image of it makes me cringe too much.

What kind of wedding do they have?

:/

Did any of their friends or family want them to get together? Does anyone object to their relationship? 

NO LMAOOOOO no one wanted them to get together and pretty much everyone would object to it if they knew. She probably doesn’t tell her family but if they knew they’d be against it, for obvious reasons. She doesn’t tell her friends either except Callisto lol, who thinks it’s epic somehow. Great Khan past and all that, not that she agrees with the legion in any way but 🤷‍♀️

Do they have any kids?

Maybe they do… maybe not. Who knows, I don’t control them.

(I made up two but Idek if they exist. a son named Ben and a daughter, Rachel. they’re weird and that’s all you need to know)

Do they have any pets?

I was gonna say no but she still has Rex who she forgot to return to the King 💔

DIANA/KING

How did they first meet? What was their first impression of each other?

In the followers' camp, not long after she moved to Freeside :) iirc the King tells a story about how he went to the Followers Camp to seek help regarding Rex and ended up yelling at them and even knocking out a few doctors.. something similar, one of his guys got their ass beat and the King got impatient and asked why tf this is taking so long. And Diana told him to sit his ass down and wait, which resulted in an argument 🙄 As for the first impression. Diana thought he was just your typical annoying man, maybe sexy and in a cooler suit than the guys on the strip, but annoying nonetheless. And the King thought she was being rude and had a big mouth. But again, kind of in a sexy way.

Who felt romantic feelings first?

THE KING… pretty quickly actually. A few months after the argument they had at the old mormon fort. For Diana on the hand it took a little bit longer :/

Did either of them try to resist their feelings?

Hm not really, but like I said Diana didn’t really fall that fast for him. She met him shortly after she left the Gomorrah (she was a dancer, not a prostitute but that doesn’t mean she hasn’t seen and experienced some shit) so she’s not really thinking about men and pretty much ignores him flirting with her (also he stops once he finds out about her past lol). She figures she likes him because they do have the same principles and something about being good people in a shitty world and all that so there’s a lot of admiration there, also their shared love for music and stuff. Elvis things. But she’s trying to heal from the shit she witnessed at the strip so no thanks!! Until… until...

Who initiated the relationship?

Well… technically him, he was the first one to flirt with her probably but she never really paid any attention to it. The actual relationship though.. her.

Who said “I love you” first?

Diana but I think he would have said it too… she was just faster 😌

Who gets jealous easily?

Both do. She’s sexy so nasty old men will flirt with her while she’s doing her job but the King doesn’t have to know that because he would be MAD. Diana on the hand will act like she’s mad at him when random people are being a little too friendly with him -_-

Who is more protective?

HE IS… that one text post about saying “that’s my wife” and punching someone. Yeah.

Who remembers the little things?

He does :) Little things she likes, her favorite song or stupid little things she finds funny… sigh

Who uses the cheesier pickup lines?

THE KING but unironically. Some Elvis shit, telling her she got him “all shook up” or something and she’s into it!!!

What does a first date look like for them?

He wouldn’t say this counts (she would) but technically that one time she was doing some random music thing with her freeside kids for fun and he showed up to talk to her and Diana was like. Hey wait, why don’t you stay and sing something for these kids :-) it was stupid but fun I guess and they hung out after, her saying how impressed she was because her kids were having a good time and so was she :)

What do they like to do together?

Like on the (unofficial) first date, doing random performances together. I guess he can sing (I think?? all Elvis impersonators can sing in my mind) and she’s a dancer so.. fun!! Other than that, watching random Kings member #58 perform on their little stage, going to ugly Freeside Casinos and leaving immediately after they lose 3 caps, just fun things!! Also he likes to listen to her talking about random stuff she read in her magazines. 

Do they like PDA?

Fuck yeah… Diana constantly having her legs in his lap whenever possible, him having his arm around her shoulders or on her waist all the time. Physical contact but in a cool way. 

What are their big spoon / little spoon arrangements?

They wouldn’t spoon I think but she’d sleep on his arm :) wakes up and it’s numb but that’s okay

Does one like the cuddle more than the other?

Like I said. constant physical contact (but in a cool way) but actual cuddling WOULD be a thing in private.

Who hogs the blankets?

Diana -_-

Do either of them like to cook?

l can’t imagine him being able to cook but she can. Yes I do the cooking yes I do the cleaning. 

If they get married, who proposes first?

There’s no real proposal probably, It would just come up in a conversation and they’d decide to have one of these quick Las Vegas weddings.

What kind of wedding do they have?

Again. One of these quick Las Vegas weddings… people get married by the King but who marries HIM 😔 (probably one of the other kings). It’s not much but it fits them, I don’t think huge wasteland weddings are much of a thing anyway (or weddings in general) sooo...

Did any of their friends or family want them to get together? Does anyone object to their relationship? 

No one objected, except maybe annoying ass Pacer for literally no reason and some random followers :/ As for Pippa and Isabel (Diana’s besties), they didn’t meet before she started dating the king so they obviously weren’t rooting for them to get together but they wouldn’t object to it either, I think. Isabel certainly doesn’t, she likes the King and thinks they fit. Idk what Pippa thinks she’s not my oc, but I don’t think she’d object to it either.

Do they have any kids?

NO lmao. No biological ones at least, Diana has her Freeside orphans though that she takes care of (kinda), they’re basically her kids. She even refers to them as such :-)

Do they have any pets?

Heh… Rex :-)

GEORGIE/C*RVO

How did they first meet? What was their first impression of each other?

In the distillery district 😳 On the first mission, Georgie prob caught him sneaking around her clinic (by accident) and was like. WTF get out with your creepy mask… wait ACTUALLY since you’re good at sneaking can you get me [random thing for her medical research that she has tried to get her hands on for ages] and i can give you a discount on health potions and free leeches 😏 NPC behavior… 

Georgie thought the mask looked fucked up and he seemed mysterious but well. She meets strange people every day so 🤷‍♀️ Also she thinks it’s kind of sexy. He thought she was a bit strange, but ig he liked her. She’s funny. 

Who felt romantic feelings first?

GEORGIE. relatively quickly actually, she really likes him early on but she doesn’t really say anything with Jess’ death being so recent :/ He does… later on, about two or three years after dh1, probably when she’s on official business in dunwall tower (YES underqualified royal physician Georgie is a thing now 💕) and she remarks a random cut he has on his cheek & turns his face to get a closer look and he’s like 😳😳😳😳 why do I like that she just did that. Love Wins.

Did either of them try to resist their feelings?

Her kind of, again with the whole Jessamine thing because it was so recent and she’s like aaagh i'm not gonna hit on a guy in mourning so she tries to ignore it 😐 

Who initiated the relationship?

GOD technically Georgie, she didn’t say anything of course because she’s too weird but she does kiss him first... and makes him leave right after :/

Who said “I love you” first?

He does… Georgie would NEVER say it first and doesn’t say it right back immediately but. He knows she’s weird about things so it’s okay.

Who gets jealous easily?

Her. That is a thing. 

Who is more protective?

Both :-) 

Who remembers the little things?

Also both but mostly him. Remembering the weird little things she offhandedly mentioned she likes. Or her little plague research things. 

Who uses the cheesier pickup lines?

Both but they’d just whisper them to each other for funsies when they’re somewhere. In public.

What does a first date look like for them?

They wouldn’t have a proper official first date but it’d likely be some random event they’d both be at when she’s the royal physician (I don’t think she’d get invited to anything but well. Maybe the Boyles run out of crazy things to do at their parties and invite her) Or taking a walk at Dunwall’s somewhat nicer-looking docks. Something boring. 

What do they like to do together?

Also boring things. They’re old, nothing too crazy. Chatting about random stuff whenever she’s over at Dunwall tower, taking walks in the gardens together and watching ships or something, talking shit about aristocrats that they find annoying or just about weird hobbies, maybe she can bring him along to meet her friends (who he already knows) to look at rats in alleyways but he eats them idk. Summons a whole swarm of rats but they end up trying to kill them 

Do they like PDA?

NO. I don’t think she’d be too much into the whole ~aristocrat life~ after becoming the royal physician and just does business-related things but neither would want people talking about this. Semi-secret relationship for no reason and they’re both more private sooo

What are their big spoon / little spoon arrangements?

She’s the little spoon.. likes being held :)

Who hogs the blankets?

He does -_-

Do either of them like to cook?

No lol

Did any of their friends or family want them to get together? Does anyone object to their relationship? 

I think the only person really knowing of this is Marzanna (AGAIN. by dany… Georgie is also besties with Slackjaw… the Rat Smackers. but she wouldn’t tell him about this lol), who would probably not object to it?? but I don’t think anyone else would be rooting for them. I guess Emily likes her as her cool doctor but NO WAY that’s gonna be her stepmom :/

Do they have any kids?

No :/

Do they have any pets?

Georgie has a cat. Not together though, Pluto is hers.

[tellywoodtrash]

immj2 13 + 14.11.20 lbs

13.11.20

i’m just gonna skim through this one, coz i don’t wanna dwell on the death and maatam and all.

hahahahahahahahaha riddhima is screaming at god for letting this happen and kabir is like “bhagwaan ko beech mein kyun laa rahi ho, mujhe bhi toh credit do!” i truly love this crazyass fucker.

riddhima continuing to scream at god about vansh jissne “KOI KABHI BURA KAAM NAHI KIYA HAI” ?!?!?!!?!?!?!? sis what the fuck???? first of all, none of us over the age of like...... 7, are truly sinless. and THIS MAN PARALYZED AND THREATENED TO KILL YOU MULTIPLE TIMES, FFS.

KABIR IS MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, I AM KABIR

now she trying to throw herself off the cliff and for some reason i cannot understand, kabir is holding her back????? literally why, my bro????? let her die, saaari musibatein khatam. ugh, you still have some kinda residual feelings for her from your not-that-kameena days, don’t you?

asalkdjaldkjsaldkjsalkdjl riddhima ke andar OG prerna ka bhoot chadh gaya, she hitting kabir with danda the way Mother India did dhulaayi of yudi in the disco (still one of the most iconic scenes of tellywood for me, istg)

dude, idk if it’s just ego waale possesive issues or he still has feelings for her, but kabir def wants riddhima to be “his girl”. even after danda beating he’s trying to help her as she stumbles around in sadma.

anyway she sauntered off rubbing that stupid muffler of vansh’s on her face. SIS YOU GONNA BREAK OUT IF YOU RUB SUCH GANDA KAPDA ON YOUR FACE.

5 min of flashbacks of vansh. fwding.

family (dadi, chanchal, and all the rest of the riff-raff) has come back home and ghar is all dark.

weird how angre is also with them. i woulda thought he’d be on whatever tasks vansh set him on, instead of doing mandir yatras with these assholes.

mummy has decided to break news in most non-tactful way ever. wearing all white and has set up photu with haar already.

yeah, requisite screaming and crying blah blah. nahi dekhna.

i’m only here for ishani and angre’s reactions. bechaare look genuinely devastated. i mean dadi does too, but bohut hi zyaaaada overdramatic and i’m getting uncomfortable.

riddhima has returned.

to her surprise everyone already knows. zara dimaag lagao behen, how they even found out before you reached??? (ok no i understand you’re numb from trauma rn and can’t think of all this, but i hope your idiot brain thinks of it later.)

WHY THE FUCK IS DADI YELLING AT RIDDHIMA KI TERE HOTE HUE KAISE HUA YEHHHHHH, WHO THE FUCK IS SHE TO TAALOFY GIANT COSMIC DECISIONS LIKE LIFE AND DEATH????? isse apni khud ki jaan nahi sambhali jaati, let alone someone else’s.

holy shit she’s actually saying, “tu toh uski dhaal thi, uske liye tuney goli khaayi thi, iss baar kaise chook gayi????” MAN, FAMILIES OF DESI BOYS REALLY BE FUCKIN WILDDDDDDDDDDDDDD WITH THEIR EXPECTATIONS FROM BAHUS. one time she took a bullet for him wasn’t enough????? you want her to actually fucking die before something happens to him. god forgive me but i really wanna slap this dadi rn.

mummy cooking up some fucking ridiculousssssss story about gunde in the house and how vansh was chasing them and gaadi khaayi mein gir gayi and god knows whatttt

ok she’s saying siya got the call about it and she was running down the stairs while in shock and now whoopsie daisy, she’s in critical condition (probably in a coma or some shit.)

aryan looks sad at the siya news. thank god this mummy ka niyana has basic consideration for someone else other than himself and his mother.

mummy ka rona dhona drama fwding.

ishani is now yelling at angre. which..... kinda deserved. you’re his safety person dude.

ok too much crying. fwding.

riddhima asking mummy why you lie to family about how he died. mummy like how tf i tell them police dragged him out and he died in an encounter for trying to escape. it’s better for them to not know the truth. which.............. ok fair, but coming from this shadyassss woman......

god this mummy ka ainvayi praising vansh waala scene is going on too long. fwding.

riddhima back to room. some more flashbacks. OUFF. FWDING.

obligatory kamre ka tod-phod scene. FWDING!!!!!!!!!!

fell asleep crying and holding one of his coats.

LMAO ISHANI KA MANN NAHI BHARAA GHAR KE ITNE CASUALTIES SE............ SHE’S LIKE WHAT’S ONE MORE????

dadi slapping ishani for doing what any one of us would do, honestly, so.... whatever. fuck off dadi.

ishani telling 100% truth ki jabse this useless b has entered my bhai’s life, his problems have been never ending, i’m fucking sureeeeeeeeee she’s the reason he’s dead. the only voice of reason in this show, truly.

dadi all WOH EK HAADSAAAA THAAAA, NOONE CAN CONTROLLLL THOSEEEE, oh yeah, not the sentiment that you were expressing to riddhima when she walked in, you stupid old bat. whatever, i’m fwding this scene.

kabir and mishra have entered house. coz they are awwal no. ke sadists. need to get off on watching this family cry and suffer.

LMAO THE LOOK RIDDHIMA GAVE KABIR. HE’S LEGIT SCARED OF HER.

angre bhi staring daggers at kabir. chal hatt, i know for sure you’re behind saving vansh and stashing him somewhere to crawl out whenever it’s the right time. 

body nahi mili blah blah blah

lol this one’s face clearly says milegi bhi kaise, main tum logon ki tarah nikamma nahi hoon. i have 16% success rate. it’s low but it’s more than y’all 0%.

lmaoooooo oh DOW DIGGY DIGGY DOW DIGGY DOW DOW, i love you sooooooooo much.

ALSO WHAT A MISSED OPPORTUNITY TO MAAROFY THE PUN KI “MAINE VANSH KE VANSH KO MITAAAAA DIYAAAAAAAA” severely disappointed in you, kabir.

yup. appropriate response. to just generally all the men in your life.

lmao riddhima like you arrested vansh ONLY COZ I LOVEDDDDDDD HIMMMMMMMMMMMM. lol the amount of self delusion. sis, his feelings for vansh were faaaaaaar more powerful and intense than anything he ever felt for your dumb ass.

kabir saying there’s nothing left for you here, why don’t you come back to me and lmao............... he tried.

 “riddhima nahi. riddhima vansh raisinghania.” 

ok whatever you say, sis. i’m just grateful to god this manhoos episode is finally over.

———————————————————————

14.11.20

redo of last scene.

lmao kabir is like I HATED VANSH WAAAAAAAAAAAAY BEFORE YOUR DUMB ASS FELL FOR HIM. YEAH I DON’T LIKE THAT YOU PICKED HIM OVER ME, BUT I’M NOT SO BAD THAT I’D TAKE REVENGE FROM HIM FOR THAT. yeah, dude. he just wanted his money; not youuuuuu. like..... chillll. kahaan se aata hai logon ko itnaaaaa confidence khud pe???

kabir saying i had proof vansh killed ragini, i found his watch there next to the body. she’s like i had it, i took it to repair it, and ragini died in front of me. vansh wasn’t anywhere near there.

lmao she’s back to shoving him around. what an annoying bitch she is. 

kabir like did you SEE who shot ragini? no????????? then it could very well have been vansh, right????? plus i got that footage from 3 years ago.

she’s like hein hein heinnnnn where you get it from when i burnt that chip????????? OH NOW SHE’S USING HER BRAINNNNN. SO WAS VANSH THE ONE RENDERING HER SO FUCKING STUPID? NOW HE’S NOT ADDLING HER BRAIN WITH LUST HORMONES, HER 3 BRAIN CELLS ARE FINALLY WORKING AGAIN!!!!!!!!!! take this as proof, ladies. MEN MAKE YOU FUCKING DUMB AS SHIT BY JUST MAKING YOU BREATHE THE SAME AIR AS THEM.

kabir saying someone from inside the house probably saved it and sent it. and that vansh made all this happen by taking mishra’s gunnnn and forcing them to take the sunsaaaan paaath and he tried to runnn and blah blah blah.

again he’s asking her to come be with him and she’s like gtfo i don’t wanna see your cuteass face anymore, you’re dead to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ok she didn’t say the cute bit, i did. i think y’all already knew that. but how to resist??? he sho cute!!!!!! 

mishra like this b kuch zyaada nahi bol gayi???? 

“dil par jo chot lagti hai, woh nazar nahi aati, but ghaav bohut gehra hota hai. yeh dard maine bhi mehsoos kiya tha, jab riddhima mujhe chod ke chali gayi thi vansh ke paas.” heinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn? now he suddenly is/was truly in love with her again???? bhai, tu decide karle, ki if she’s just a pawn to you or something more. ainvayi jhool raha hai idhar udhar.

mishra like, ok whatever, but where vansh’s body tho???

clearly not him. the head shape alllllll different.

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS THEY FINALLY PUT RRAHUL’S FINE ASS IN JEANS!!!!!!

again, no wedding ring. dead body is not vansh.

“bhagwaan jaane kahaan chali gayi uski laash.” lmao i really loled the way he delivered the line. i really love him the mostttttttttt.

kabir you are honestly suchhhhhhhhhhhhhh an idiot, if you think not getting his body is a good thing. DON’T YOU KNOW HIM AT ALL??????? AT ALLLLLLLL????? NO BODY MEANS HE’S STILL OUT THERE, BIDING HIS TIME TO FUCKING COME GET YOUUUUUU.

he’s like good, vansh didn’t even get antim sanskaaaar. who knew kabir was sooooo religious??????

vansh so efficient and independent ki khud ka kriyakaram kar raha hai. aatmanirbhar ho toh aise!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

not before he maarofied his own pocket tho.

“bohut jald iss VR mansion ke aage KR mansion ka signboard hoga.” hein???????? the R in there is for RAISINGHANIA. why the hell would you add one random surname to your name??????

YEAH. I KNOW THOSE CHITTAAA-ASSS EARSSSSSSS.

OMFGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG BHAGWAAAAAAN NE MERIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII SUNNNNNNNNNNN LIIIIIIIIII THEY MADE HIM SHAAAAAAAAAAAAAVE ASALKJDLKJDSLAKJDLASKAS

OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG THE DUMBASS FAKE DEEEP VOICE IS GONE TOOOOOOOOO ALKSDJSALKDJLASKJDLSAKJDLASKJDLASKJDLKJLKS I JUST

styling also EXAAAAAAACTLY HOW I LIKE IT.

helllllllllllllllllllllllo hunny. NOW YOU’VE MADE THIS SHOW FINALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLY WORTH WATCHING. bas thodaaaa saa tharakkkkk ka maska i need to make my tellywood viewing experience sooooooo much easier. AUR WOH MUJHE AAAAAAJ SE MIL GAYAAAAAAAAAAA.

ok 13 days later.

bitch looks better after going through life-altering trauma than i do on my most stable mental health days.

talking to portrait about how the misery is unending, etc. etc.

kabir still calling her. WHY??????? dude just take the L and move the fuck on.

lmaooooooo mummy is like 13 din rone ki acting kar karke aankhon ki band baj gayiiiiii. 

standard mwahahahahaha we succedded bufoonery from too complacent evil ppl. dumb dumb dumbbbbb!

but let’s admire this evil cutie bean.

riddhima’s mangalsutra which she justttttt set down on that bureau missing. she in a panic.

ofc these two are behind it.

ishani wants the truth about that dayyyyyyy and aryan jumping in about how riddhima never loved vansh and just always doubted him and blah blah.

my question is since when aryan loves vansh bhaiiiiiii so much huh???????

anyway. this happens. and those two are left plotting some more about getting the truth out.

VIHAAAAAAAAAAAN is the new name.

seeeeee????? i knew his ass had some lucrative skill in the current economy. he some tech bro types.

CAN YOU BELIEVEEEEEEEEE THEY HID THAT FUCKING JAWLINE AND THOSE DIMPLES UNDER THAT BEARD FOR 5 WHOLE MONTHSSSSSSSSS. FUCKING HUMAN RIGHTS CRIMEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

unf, boy got cake. that ass just needed shirali to stay tf away from it.

also askdjalskjdlsakdjlaskjdlkj they turned ragini’s container waala room into his hacker man cave. what a wonderfully multipurpose room!

honestly, i’m just soooooooooo relieved i can just watch this show for eyecandy now. kaleje ko suchhhhhhhh thandak, yougaizzzzz.

banda khud vansh ke net worth (5000 cr.) ko dekh kar hairaan pareshaan. yeah, this much wealth accumulation is fucking immoral, asshole. you vansh did deserve to get thrown off a fucking cliff.

show laaaaaaaaaakh convince karne ki koshish karle ki yeh koi aur hai, my bullshit meter says it’s vansh vansh and no one else but vansh.

unrealistic af, someone PRINTING photos out in this day and age. what kinda tech person are you???????

lmao he’s checking out each photo for each family member and the commentssssssss.....

rudra chacha and chanchal chachi: “kaafi expressive faces! koshish bhi kare chupaane ki toh bhi chupaa nahi paa rahe ke lomdiii hain yeh ghar ke.”

aslkdjaslkdjlsakjdlskjdlksj i already like him better than old vansh.

aryan: “doosron ke bharose jeene waala.”

ishani: “raisinghania hone ka bohut ghamand hai, magar bechaari ki shaadi angre se ho gayi.”

how he know that if he not vansh????? angre not even in this set of pics.

siya: “kehte hain jo chal nahi sakte, unka wifi network bohut strong hota hai..... kab, kahaan, kya pakad le, koi nahi jaanta.”

“aur yeh hai....... RIDDHIMAAAAA....... iss parivaar ka most special aur khoobsoorat member.”

“moh aur maaya...... dono ka mel [...]”

yup, i definitely like this cheeky and cheesy persona better than the murder-threatening-paralyzing shit we had to put up with earlier. happy days, you guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! happy days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[anotheronechicagobog]

The Crackship Sails To Molly’s - Jay Halstead x Ethan Choi

written by @anotheronechicagobog​

A/N: Homophobia, the Catholic church, Catholic guilt, mention of canon-compliant violence, mention of two men having sex, it’s all pretty mild but I wanted to make sure it was all in the warnings, also I don’t like Doris and it shows

A/N 2: What do you guys think their ship name would be? Choistead? Haloi? 

A/N 3: If you have a problem with LGBTQ people please go fuck yourself

They ran into each other at the last place they thought they would. Since Jay and Ethan had both been in the military, though in different factions, they figured they might run into each other at military events, they already had. But literally bumping into each other at an LGBTQ+ military personnel picnic? That shocked both of them. Ethan took notice of Jay’s pansexual flag pin and Jay looked at Ethan’s bisexual one. After the initial shock wore off, Ethan smiled, he was happy to know that he wasn’t alone in his social circle. Sure, Leslie Shay was a loud and proud lesbian, but they didn’t have anything in common and just made sure to say ‘hi’ whenever they ran into each other and buy each other nachos whenever they ran into each other at pride events (don’t ask, it just became their thing). Ethan went to give him a ‘dude hug’, as Leslie had dubbed them, when he noticed the fear etched onto Jay’s face. “Halstead, are you okay?” Honestly, he looked like he was about to burst into tears. “Jus- uhh” Jay hiccuped and Ethan was now justifiably worried. “Don’t tell Will.” And then Jay ran away from Ethan and the gentle arm he’d had on his shoulder like a bat out of hell. Jay could still feel the warmth of Ethan’s hand on his right shoulder as he drove away.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ethan didn’t tell Will. He didn’t give any indication that he knew something Will didn’t. He understood how important it was for him to keep quiet, but at the same time, it was so hard. Ethan wanted nothing more than to march up to the redhead and beat some sense into him. Will had obviously made to Jay that he wouldn’t be accepted if he came out. And he didn’t care, quite frankly. He had absolutely no sympathy for homophobes, he was done giving kindness and sympathy to people who wished that others wouldn’t exist because it deviated out of what they considered ‘normal’. So he’d gone back to being impassive and straight-faced. He pushed all of his feelings down because if he allowed himself to feel anything it would be complete and utter rage.

The next time he saw Jay was when he’d come into the ED to interview an assault victim. Apparently, there was a group of men catfishing and then assaulting LGBTQ+ men. Ethan’s heart ached just thinking about the case, all of the injured, betrayed victims. And Jay. Ethan didn’t want to know what was going through his mind, he probably viewed this as another reason not to come out.

The eye contact between them was brief, but Jay showed him vulnerability, and then thanks when Ethan gave him a sympathetic smile. Just trying to untangibley reach out and connect with his aching soul. And then suddenly it was gone, the grace that had bound the two of them temporarily, and Ethan had to watch with a sinking heart as Jay emotionally shrunk in on himself. “How’s our victim doing, Choi?”

“Not great, I’m afraid. He’ll live, but there’s going to be long lasting health problems for him.” 

“That’s terrible.”

“Yeah, it is.”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two days later, after the catfishing homophobes were caught, Ethan ran into Jay outside of Molly’s. His eyes were dark, broad shoulders were slumped, and he moved like his mind possessed all the strength his body just couldn’t muster. “Hey Choi- uh, Ethan?”

“Yeah?”

“Could we go somewhere to talk? Maybe get a drink?”

“Well, we are standing outside of a bar.”

“Somewhere that’s not packed to the seams with nosey people who know who I... Don’t want to hear what I want to talk... About. Y’know what? This was stupid-”

“How about Osso’s? Over on Folger street? It’s not a bar, but I’m starving and their booths have curtains.”

“Yeah, that sounds great, actually, thanks.”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I figured out that I was bi when I was fourteen. I was watching The Mummy for the first time and I couldn’t stop thinking about how hot Brendan Fraser was. I mean, don’t get me wrong, Rachel Weisz was hot too, but Brendan really got my attention. When the movie was over, uh, well let’s just say that my Catholic guilt took hold. My mom knew, I told her when I was seventeen, and she kept trying to set me up with her friends’ daughters. She didn’t care, just told me that she loved me and that there was nothing wrong with me, but that I shouldn’t tell my dad or Will. She didn’t sugarcoat anything, she took me to this secluded spot on the pier and told me about homophobia and how bad it was, not just morally, but that it ran rampant, and that my father and brother were two heavy believers in an institution who made it their mission to oppress as many people as possible. Looking back, I think my dad knew, don’t know how or if he actually does, it’s just more of a gut feeling. My brother is still incredibly Catholic, he’s become more accepting over time, but it’s clear that while he’s okay with strangers being LGBTQ+, he’s not okay with anyone he’s close to being anything other than straight. The, uh, my first time I was nineteen and it was during my rangers training, with one of my now best friends, who I dated during that time for a while. Everything kinda fell apart when we got discharged. Mouse or-”

“Greg Gerwitz. I remember him.”

“Yeah, we broke up after we were discharged. Well, he broke up with me. Neither of us were handling being back well but he was handling it worse. It hurt like he;;, I missed him so much. After I started in Intelligence I brought him in as a CI. I just wanted to know he was okay, be near him again. But he was not the same man I’d fallen in love with. He was an addict, had a record, a small one, but still. I broke my heart almost as much as our breakup did. A little later I got him a job as our tech guy. It was good having him around, especially cause he was coming back, y’know? He’d quit his habits, became a law-abiding citizen. It was great. Then, he asked me out, asked me to take him back, and I did. Without a second of hesitation. Being together again felt amazing, but then he got his record expunged, dumped me, again, and went back to the rangers. It completely tore me to pieces, I got time off and didn’t get out of bed for two weeks after he deployed. Uh, wow, sorry to unload all of that on you. And that was probably a lot of information you didn’t want to hear-”

“No, no, Jay. It’s actually nice to talk about this, even though I’m out and open, I don’t actually get the chance to talk about it all that much. I’d actually like to share if you don’t mind.”

“Not at all, go ahead.”

“I was twenty-one when I figured it out. I was on brief leave in the navy, just a couple of days without duties while we were docked in Puerto Rico. I got pretty drunk, a guy I was dancing near was pretty drunk too, he kissed me, I kissed him back, and one thing lead to another. When I got back to port the next day, my friends all asked where I’d gone off to. I told them I got laid. It didn’t really hit me until the following night when I was in my bunk, lying awake because I couldn’t forget the feeling of his lips, or the callouses on his hands, or... Other quite honestly filthy details I probably shouldn’t share in a public place. I couldn’t sleep properly for two weeks, I come from a traditional Korean family. All I could think about was how they’d react. What would they do if they found out? I found out when I was twenty-nine. My sister, Emily, had somehow found out, and when she burst through the door, drunk off her ass, at the first Thanksgiving I’d been able to attend in five years, she announced it to everyone when I tried to calm her down and get her up to bed. The look, on my parents’ faces, I couldn’t even look at my grandparents. I just said sorry and ran out. I crashed at a fling’s place for a week. I couldn’t bring myself to pick up the phone or to go see them. I felt like someone had put my chest through a trash compactor, I couldn’t stop crying. I had lost my entire family in less than ten seconds. You know that subtle, back of the mind dread you feel when you’re boarding a plane for your next deployment? Normally, you push it away, accept it’s a possibility but try not to think about it. I welcomed it. I hoped I’d get killed, that I wouldn’t make it home. But then... My grandparents were at my gate. Their faces just lit up and they welcomed me with open arms. They both hugged me and made me promise to come home, not to be a hero. They gave me hope. They loved and supported me, went toe-to-toe with the rest of my family for me. I’ll never be able to thank them enough.”

“They sound really great, I’m glad that you have them.”

“Yeah, me too.”

Suddenly the heavy curtain closing off their booth from the rest of the world was pushed to the side. “Gentlemen, your food is ready. Who ordered the grilled salmon?”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ethan and Jay had grown much closer, having bi-weekly dinners. Sometimes at Osso’s, sometimes at Bartoli's, sometimes at their own apartments. They’d become close, close friends. But because drama followed them around like a moth to a flame because it felt like they lived in an overly dramatic tv show sometimes, it couldn’t stay that way.

Jay started to watch Ethan when he licked his lips after he took a sip of a drink, when the muscles in his arms lengthened themselves when he reached for something, that twinkle he got in his eyes whenever he got cocky. Jay knew what was happening from the first moment he found himself looking at Ethan’s lips for more than a millisecond. He was falling in love. And all that he could do was loathe himself for boarding a vessel with impending doom.

Reasons I Can’t Fall In Love With Ethan

Will doesn’t know I’m bi 

Ethan works with Will

Ethan is in the reserves and Mouse left me to go back to a warzone, it would kill me if it happened a second time

His ex, April, is currently trying to get back together with him

April also works with Ethan and Will

Ethan doesn’t love me so I’d just be ruining our friendship

Jay looked down at his list and recited it in his head, over and over again. He needed to memorize it, live by it. If he didn’t his entire world, which he just finally found comfort in again, would crumble to the ground.

Jay didn’t distance himself from Ethan, his heart wouldn’t let him, but it got harder and harder to ignore his ever-growing feelings. But he couldn’t tell Ethan, he couldn’t be with Ethan, he knew that far too well. So the next time Ethan confided in Jay that April had made a move on him Jay did something incredibly, fabulously, thoroughly idiotic. “You should ask April out, man. I think that you guys would be great together.”

Yup. 

He actually did that.

Sigh.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Alright, who is she?”

“Excuse me?”

“Come on Jay, I’m your brother. I know you. The last time you looked like this and were drinking vodka, of all things, was when Erin left. You only drink vodka when you’re experiencing troubles of the heart.”

“I drank vodka when Mouse went back to the rangers.” 

“After he’d broken up with you to go back to the same warzone he’d almost died in.”

Jay choked on his drink and felt his heart plummet out of his body and onto the floor. Burning tears blurred his vision and Jay felt more afraid than he’d ever felt in his life. He’d been shot at, blown up, shot at again, taken hostage, tortured, and he never felt this scared, this small. “Jay? Oh my god, Jay are you okay? Breathe, man.” But he couldn’t. Why couldn’t he breathe? Why was his chest so tight? Why couldn’t he move? Suddenly he was yanked off of his couch and onto the floor, his head shoved between his bent knees. “Deep breaths, Jay. Just take slow deep breaths, in and out, just like me... Okay... Good, name five things you can feel, four things you can see, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste.”

“Uh... floor, couch leg, carpet, coffee table... you... Um, I, uh, I see...”

“Four things you can see.”

“Jeans, scrubs, crumbs, Kim’s wine stain... Hear, u-uh, Netflix, heating system, the Needlers arguing again...”

“Your neighbours sure do fight a lot, but you’re doing great. Keep going. Two things you can smell.”

“... Pizza and your terrible cologne...”

“Ignoring that, one thing you can taste.”

“Your terrible cologne. Seriously, Will, your supposed to spritz it, not douse yourself in it.”

“Well you’re feeling better, but you’re still shaking. You feel a bit cold, get back on the couch I’m gonna grab you a blanket.” Will was right, he was still shaking, and he felt cold to the bone. His heart was pounding so hard it was terrifying and his chest was still tight... But he was feeling better. Panic attack. He’d gotten them before, along with anxiety attacks, night terrors, and paranoia. All connected to his PTSD. He’d just never had a panic attack about his sexuality before, only about the action he’d gotten overseas and in Chicago. When Will returned with a thick fluffy blanket he’d gotten from Kim for secret Santa, the same night she’d made that wine stain on his carpet, Jay was on the couch and gripping his knees tightly, trying to get a grip on himself. Will had also brought Jay’s first aid kit and was checking him over, after he’d been wrapped up like a traumatized child, and Jay released a shaky breath, unable to look his brother in the eye before speaking at the same volume as a mouse. “How long have you known?”

Will stopped what he was doing and regarded his brother. Jay was older and had always been Will’s hero growing up but right now... He just looked like he needed a hug. “I’ve known since you were nineteen. You brought Mouse back to visit with you while you guys had leave and when mom and dad had work and I had school, you guys had the place to yourselves. I realized when I was a couple of minutes away from the house that I’d forgotten my lunch, so I went back to get it. When I walked in you guys were making out on the couch. You were really... into each other, you didn’t even notice me. I was gonna bolt to the kitchen and back... But then you took off each other’s shirts and started reaching for belts so I bolted. I love you, Jay, and I don’t care who you have sex with, but I never want to actually see it.”

“Jeez, I’m sorry we must have traumatized you.”

“No you didn’t, I would’ve reacted the same way if I saw you with a girl... Which we both know is true cause you and Erin had a very bad habit of not closing your bedroom door.”

“Sorry about that... If you’ve known all this time, why have you never said anything? I mean you used to make these weird comments about being related to gay people, but...”

“I thought that you needed to be the one to tell me. It was your closet to exit, I thought it would’ve been rude to force it. And about those comments, I don’t know, it’s just you never told me. More and more time passed, and from the letters you were sending mom I could tell you and Mouse were still together but you never said anything. I was trying to give you hints that I don’t care, your sexuality doesn’t matter to me. I love you no matter what. The only reason that I brought up any of this now, forced you out of the closet... I’ve never seen you like this. It rivals when you came back. You are hurting and I want to be there for you, but I can’t if you won’t talk to me, if you won’t let me in.”

“But I’m sinning. You’ve always been more devout than me.”

Will scoffed. “Have you been reading the news? The Catholic church really can’t decide what’s right and wrong considering all they’ve done and covered up. Plus, did you really think I was going to make all my life choices based on the teachings given to me by men who forced us to wear plaid suit jackets for elementary and high school? Really, I can’t wear plaid anymore, I don’t understand how you can tolerate it, I swear I’ve got plaid PTSD.”

“Well, maybe it’s cause I actually have PTSD and there are far worse things to go through than having to wear plaid to school every day.”

“That was a bad comment, I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright... So you’re really okay that I’m bi?”

“As long as you're happy, I’m happy.”

“You have no idea how much it means to me to hear you say that and mean it.”

Jay was tearing up again, but this time they were happy tears. Will just wrapped his big brother in a hug and relished ina feeling of closeness that he hadn’t felt since they were kids.

“Okay, now seriously Jay, who’s giving your heart trouble?”

“I don’t know, Will...”

“As long as it’s not Connor Rhodes I don’t care.”

“Well...”

“Oh no-”

“Ha! Just kidding! Your face, seriously, what did that guy ever do to you?”

“We’re not talking about the man who thinks he’s smarter than me. C’mon, tell me who it is. Is it someone I work with?”

“It’s Ethan Choi...”

“You guys have been spending a lot of time together over the past year, so I can see that. And he’s pan, right? Yeah, I think that you guys would be cute together and I think he’s got a thing for you, honestly. Why don’t you ask him out?”

Jay fell back and groaned. “I told him to ask out April the next time she hits on him.”

Will just blinked and stared at his masochistic and self-sacrificing moron of an older brother. “Why would you say that?! You clearly like him! You idiot!”

“... I’m gonna need the vodka back if we’re gonna keep talking about this.”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jay felt like the weight he’d had on his shoulders was traded for another. He wasn’t worried about Will despising his existence anymore, but now he had to watch Ethan date April. And on top of all that, Will was always on his case about his miserably non-existent love life. So yeah, he wasn’t really enjoying his life at the moment. He was currently sitting up at the bar at Molly’s, avoiding ‘chexton’. He could hear April’s giggles and Doris squawking “you’re so perfect for each other!”, “I’m so glad you got back together!”, and “I call maid of honour!” over and over and over again. He knocked back the last of his beer when his phone buzzed.

Mouse: Hey Jay, I’m back on leave for a couple of days, just got off the plane. Want to meet up?

Jay: Sure, you up for a beer at Molly’s? I’m here right now.

Mouse: Actually I was thinking of a different kind of meet up. Your place? Just the two of us?

Jay: Sounds like a plan.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jay and Mouse spent the two days he was home screwing each others’ brains out. That really was the best way to put it. Their time together was hot, heavy, and passionate. They wouldn’t get back together, no, but there was a bond there that would always remain. They’d both had tension that needed to be released and release it they did. Jay dropped Mouse off at O’Hare early on the third day. “Hey, thanks for this weekend. It was nice, it was good to see you again, Jay.”

“Yeah, you too. Stay safe Greg.”

“It’s Greg now?”

“You’ll always be important to me. You were the first man I loved, but you’ve left me twice. I need to move on.”

“It sounds like you already have. I’m happy for you, you deserve nothing but happiness, Jay. But, uh, should you have just spent an entire weekend naked with me if you’re with someone?”

“He doesn’t love me back.”

“Is he straight?”

“No, but he’s pan and got a girlfriend.”

“I’m sorry Jay. For your situation and everything else.”

“I know. Stay safe.”

“I will.”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jay turned on his phone for the first time since he told Mouse to come over. He was met with an abundance of texts and missed calls. The texts were mostly from his colleagues, asking if he was going to be at Molly’s. A couple were from Will, asking if he wanted to get together to watch a game. The person who’d sent him the most texts and had made most of the missed calls was Ethan. Jay didn’t bother going through them all, he just sent his brother and Hailey quick text messages letting them know he was alive and would be at work on time, he’d just spent the weekend with a friend. He called Ethan as he made his way through the city. “Jay? Are you okay? Where have you been? I’ve been so worried, I called your brother and Hailey and none of them could tell me anything.”

“I was okay, I was at home the whole time.”

“But I went by your place, I knocked on your door, no one answered.”

“Oh, that was you? I thought it was Karen from down the hall. I was a little... Busy.”

“All weekend? Alone in your apartment? With no assigned case or old case that’s been bothering you?”

“Well, I wasn’t alone, actually.”

“What?”

“Yeah, Mouse was on leave for the weekend so he came over.”

“... You were alone with your ex-boyfriend for an entire weekend... Doing what?”

“Each other.”

“Damnit, Jay.”

“Eth-” And then Ethan hung up. Jay was confused and distressed, but he’d arrived at the district so his relationship with Ethan would have to wait. Well, friendship, not relationship.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When Voight needed someone to go collect a statement from an accomplice at MED Jay’s reaction rivalled that of Katniss Everdeen. He was given a couple of odd looks, but he and Hailey made their way to the hospital, Hailey side-eying him the whole way. “Do you need to talk to Ethan?”

“Yeah, how did you know?”

“He hounded me for two days because you weren’t texting him back. He was really worried, Jay. What’s going on with you two? I mean, he was acting like...”

“Like what?”

“Like a worried boyfriend.”

“We’re not dating Hailey. Why would you think that?”

“Because you two look at each other the way Trudy and Mouch look at each other. Like you’ve hung the moon and the stars for each other. I don’t judge, Jay... You’re always really happy around him. I think you’d be good together.”

“He’s dating April.”

Hailey scoffed and rolled her eyes so hard her head rolled with them. “No, they’re not dating. She was acting like it, and Doris was yapping away about it on Friday at Molly’s, but Ethan was just quietly sitting there the whole night, he looked really uncomfortable honestly. A couple hours after you left he asked April if they could speak in private. It didn’t stay that way for long. Ethan had tried to tell her that he didn’t want to get back together and didn’t love her anymore, and she was upset, obviously. But it seemed like she understood. She hugged him and went to sit back at the nurses, but I guess she told them and Doris blew up, screamed at him, made a huge scene. April had to actually take her home. Ethan immediately came up to me and asked where you were.”

“Oh.”

“So you volunteered us to talk to him?”

“Yeah.”

“Good.”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Hey Ethan.”

“Can we talk, Jay?”

“Yeah, I’d really like that.”

“The doctor’s lounge is free, we can talk in there.” They entered the darkened gray room together, both feeling the tension between them. It felt strange to just stand there, in the middle of the room, and Ethan wasn’t meeting his gaze. So Jay sat down, hoping that Ethan would follow his lead. He did. “I’m sorry that I worried you.”

“Don’t apologize, I should actually be apologizing to you. You didn’t owe me an explanation, we don’t have the kind of... Relationship that warrants you letting me know when you’re going to disappear for a weekend with your ex. We’re just- We’re just friends.” Jay was silent for several moments, trying to think of what to say. How to phrase what he was feeling. There didn’t seem to be an eloquent way to phrase it, so he decided to just jump in and hope he didn’t get hurt. “I don’t want to be friends with you Ethan. I want to be more than that, I love you. I understand if you don’t feel the same way, but- I’ve never felt this way about anyone. I’ve been trying to distract myself, with Mouse most recently, but it didn’t work. It doesn’t change that I really want to kiss and date and be loved by you. Will you go out on a date with me?”

“Yes, there is quite literally nothing else I’d rather do. How about tonight, because I don’t think I can wait any longer. And I love you too.”

“I know that the wall behind us is basically just a window but I really want to kiss you-” Thankfully Ethan didn’t care about that, and gave Jay a kiss so incredible, he saw stars.

... And missed Hailey and Will high-fiving behind him.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After informing the accomplice that he was being arrested for armed robbery, obstruction of justice, and public urination, Jay and his partner left MED. Jay was so happy he was practically vibrating as he skipped out of the hospital. His, highly amused, partner got into the passenger side of his truck and thumped his shoulder. “See? I told you that he likes you.”

“How did you figure out I’m not straight, anyway? I’ve... Played that pretty close to the vest. I only told Will a week ago.”

“You know Nico’s Diner over in Greektown?”

“Yeah.”

“My family owns it. I started working there when I was nine, I think? I worked there through high school and college. And I go there once a month to catch up with my brothers. You used to go there all the time with this guy and you’d hold hands and kiss him quite a bit, so I figured you were more than friends. I recognized you when I walked onto that robbery scene a couple years ago.”

“So you knew, this entire time, that I was bisexual and you didn’t say anything to anyone? Why not?”

“It wasn’t my place to tell Jay, besides, I didn’t know that you were bisexual, just that you liked men. I just spoke up now because you were really hurting Jay, it was so obvious, and it was obvious that Ethan was hurting too. I really hope that you guys are happy together.”

“Thanks, me too.”

“Soooo... Where are you gonna take Ethan on your big date?”

[popculturebuffet]

Legend of the Three Cablleros: Pyra-Mid Life Crisis Review “Get Back, Ya MonkeyBatDonkeyRat”

Saludos Amigos! After four days of working on intensly exausting and through projects, my best of the year list and second Scott Pilgrim review, it’s nice to get back to some fun hyjinks with my boys. And boy oh boy.. did I get that. This one was a fun one.. not the best so far and we’ll get to it’s flaws as we go but damn if it wasn’t hilarous and insanely weird. 

So let’s get right to it, on with the show.  We pick up where we left off, Leopold, Felldrake’s mummified monkeybatdonkeyrat, as the boys come to refer to him, is carrying donald off and after a game of “What the fuck is this thing” And Jose understandably asking Xandra what the fuck is that, they try freeing him wiht Xandra successfully shooting him down... before the boys nearly kill donald with spikes and other pointy things before using Panchito’s hat to catch him. 

So Leopold returns to his master, and Feldrake reveals his plan for the episode: Their going to egypt. Okay so FELDRAKE is the reason Ancient Egypt is so evil. Huh, you learn something every day.  Meanwhile the boys try to hide because well.. Donald just got kidnapped and they’ve been at this one day. After some meh shenanigans, Xandra reveals her world map, where she can fast travel to any location with a “spark point”. Oh boy that means we’ll be getting  Zoey’s Infinite Playlist Crossover any day now... but while we ait for that, and we get a nice bit of the boys comparing the map to a GPS and Xandra for once being the one whose totally lost with the girls just nodding for her to accept it. But she can also track felldrake with it. You may be wondering “Wait why and how” but I thought of that: Because the original cabs mission once freeing Xandra was undoing Feldrake’s damage, she likely set up the atlas to track traces of his magic, and any flare ups in case he somehow returned.

So our heroes are off to egypt, though while the girls are staying behind, they give Donald the magic mirror from last episode so they can call them if they need them. HOnestly.. a pretty clever setup and a way to let April, May and June help without having to shove them into every episode. And being a fan of Ducktales, having it feel organic that a character isn’t going and still finding things for them to do is just.. it’s nice okay. Seriously Frank why didn’t you watch this. You still have hte better show so far but come on. 

My griping about another show aside our boys are off to Egypt.. anddddd in the middle of the desert.... wait so Xandra set up fast travel world wide to alls orts of leylines and stuff.. but the best she could do in freaking egypt.. was in the middle of one of the many stretches of uninhabitable desert. 

I mean I get it for some locations but this is freaking Egypt.. why isn’t the pyramid their going to the fast travel point. Start making sense making sense! Anyways so Feldrake gets an easy lead because Xandra took her stupid pills when picking this spot while Xandra and the cabs sweat it out, eventually arriving after them. We also get a really great bit where Panchito and Jose give the camels their water, and then Donald naturally needs some. I”m.. i’m not giogn to questoin where theyg ot suplies or anything, again the bigger issue of “why was your mystical fast travel point in the middle of nowhere” still stands. I mean at least say it was the best she could do or it screwed up or something. Not just “whoops guess we gotta somehow get camels to get the pyramids. “ Sheldgoose and Feldrake are ahead of them, and while obviously I can’t cover EVERY single bit.. there is a TON of good banter this episode, as Kevin Micheal Richardson shows a humerous side to feldrake, constnatnly insulting Sheldgoose, rightfully so, and just in genereal being throughly hilarious. Which given I was expecting him to be a pretty 1 dimensional bad guy, It was a nice suprise. My faviorite being when they fall on a skeleton “You are useless.. not you Carla, I like you... liked you”. The point is our villians are ahead and our heroes have to get past Leopold. Xandra suggests strategy.. but Donald’s already ahead to do a Donald and yell at it, wanting revenge. Before Donald can die horribly, Xandra simply blinds him and they run inside, accidently triggering all the traps and taking out leopold. Leopold finds his master.. just in time for the Cabs to find a control room.. 

Oh.. the what has not even begun as a button Panchito presses.. sends a rocket off to the MOON. 

Yup their going there. As Feldrake explains to sheldgoose, rapidly as he dosent have the patience for it but to Sheldgoose’s credit he picks up on all of it, the pyramid is a ship, aliens built the pyramids in this universe, they  mysteriously vanished but left a city full of robot soldiers on t he moon, hence why we’re going there. 

Yeah this is GLORIOUSLY weird stuff, our heroes having to go into space to fight an army of astro-mummies and ancient robots copotped by an ancient sorcerer. Yes.. yes just.. gimmie. This is insane in the best ways. WHat’s not is that the boys can’t work the ship together as they approach the dark side of the moon... huh I wonder why the moonlanders left all this here. Questions for later.  Oh .. and theirs an astro mummy on board, forcing Panchito to reveal he’s a famous luchador and he and xandra hold him off while Jose and Donald TRY to pilot the ship but can’t translate the manual and just make things worse. Thankfully he remembers the mirror and asks the girls for help, so they put the instruction manal through a translator. 

So with our heroes subuding the mummy and having instructoins they finally encounter feldrake and sheldgoose, whose in a cool looking hood with a mask and is naturally baffled to find his idiot neighbors who screwed him over are on this spaceship with him, while Panchito asks to donald’s reply. “You ever been to a party where everyone knows everyone but you? “ “Every day of my life”. PFFT.  But the whole group notices their about to crash so the bad gys use the escape part which Xandra condems as cowardly.. before admitting that was her plan too. Thankfully the girls come through, and they land.. I mean kinda.. Donald insists on landing, but their alive so better than Jose expected.  So on the moon.. wait let me cue the approraite music. 

There we go. Scrooge is on the other side though, long story. Point is our boys disembark sharing the astromummy suit and Xandra says they need to work as a team. The.. where did this moral come from? No seriously their incompitent sure, ti’s part of their charm.. but this dosen’t reallyc ome up till the last act. Them not working together. Sure they push a lot of random buttons but this seems like they pulled a teamwork moral out of their ass, especailly since them learning to work together is a GOOD idea, it’s a classic trope for a reason teams take time to get the rythum right, it’s just sorta shohorned into an otherwise unrealted space adventure. But they soon find the bad guys have taken over a giant super robot, and have the army preparing to blast off for earth. Uh-Oh. While Xandra prepares to stand and fight the boys.. flee. 

And while this is played off as their usualy incompetence... their the right ones this time. Xandra is thor with hawkeye , the good one from the comics, aim. She is VERY powerful.. but as it bears out even she can’t take down a whole army. She can fight them well enougha nd destroys man, in a very awesome sequence reminscent of Claude from Fire Emblem three houses, been playing that lately good game, but... she’s one person. And the boys are three normal guys with no combat training in a clunky robot suit. What’d you EXPECT them to be able to do? They made the right call.. as while they ran off they also found a giant robot of their own so we get an evil sorecer versus donald duck, panchito and jose, both in giant robots on the fucking moon. 

Look at times i’m a simple man. But if you can’t enjoy donald duck and his two best friends fighting an evil sorecerer, his descedant voiced by Wayne Knight, and a donkey bat rat, with both parties in giant robots .. I don’t get you and enver will. Our heroes end up finally working together smoothly with each boy taking a leg and donald? “I’ll take the fists!”.. bad...ass. And he does and despite a tense fight our heroes win, destroy the ships and donald FUCKING UPERCUTS FELDRAKE’S MECH’S HEAD OFF AND SENDS THEM INTO SPACE. Our heroes won, relfect ont heir teamwork because apparnelty that’s the lesson and Feldrake and Sheldgoose head home, with Feldrake pointing out that those idiots being next door means their just an easier target for him. 

Fianl Thoughts; This was a fun episode. While the teamwork thing is kinda.. shoved in there everything else is just a brisque, fun and rediclous adventure episode. And this is from someone who dosen’t like the ancient aliens idea for the pyramid as it has racisim at it’s core.. but works here because clearly their just being rediclous. I didn’t even get to the flight attendant or half the jokes. This is just a really fun, charming, delightfully cheese episode. And sometimes.. that’s all you need. Unitl the next rainbow, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye. 

[evolsinner]

⊱┊30

i don't need 'looking after'! i am perfectly capable of taking care of my own damn self. from the moment kayrem has walked back into our lives, he's been showing off. he's trying to prove his 'worth' to the family, and it's annoying the heck out of me!

first, he takes me away from isaac against my will, then he does this elaborate show of how much he still has an effect on me. i mean, the only reason i called him is that there was no one else to call!! and now he's brought a fucking dog for maxi? sucking up to father? it's not fair! he just doesn't get to be gone for this long and then have the easiest welcome back party.

i hate him!

after grumpily hopping out of the shower, i crash straight into bed. mum's doing overtime which means i'll get to see her first thing in the morning. this is good because i'm still figuring out what to say to her.

my parents always change roles, either one of them is too mad and the other is understanding or vice versa. so i guess she’s gonna be playing the ‘mad’ role tomorrow.

i slide out of bed and creep down the hallway, pausing at the source of the problem…in me.

"what are you doing?" i push the door further in.

without looking up from his crouching position, kayrem’s like, “the dvd player is jacked up. i'm tryna get it to work," and takes a gulp from his redbull.

"can't you wait till tomorrow to do it?"

"tomorrow can wait."

ugh, i never seem to make sense of his comebacks like these. just answer properly, jeez. "what are you tryna watch anyway?"

"get in the bed and you'll see," he grins.

the fuck? wait... i mean, i do kinda need to tell him something so..

"oh, and, shut the door. make sure to lock it too."

"'lock it'?" i stand there nervously.

"we don't want anyone walking in."

huh?

"if one of those scenes happen to come on," he adds like an afterthought.

"oh..." i shut the door and crawl into his bed, sitting up and crossing my legs. "why not just netflix and chill? that dvd player is pretty old; i don't think you can get it to work." i immediately shut my mouth, realising what i said could be taken the wrong way too.

he quits messing about with the player and looks over his shoulder at me with an amused frown, "huh?"

"i meant, like, watch a movie on the laptop. not..y'know. like, literally only a movie and nothing else."

"fine, i suppose you do have a point," he turns off the tv and dvd player before grabbing the laptop and climbing into bed with me. "fuck,” he taps away at the keys, “forgot it was flat.”

"can you just sleep with me instead?"

he raises his eyebrows, surprised.

"next to me! n~not with me!" i quickly clarify before laying down, all red and hot.

i hear the lid of the laptop shut, followed by a swift motion of a shirt being pulled off. the bed dips as a body lies down behind me. gradually, i feel warmth shifting closer to me and the smell of red bull breath. like magnets, we stick together. a hand weaves its way underneath my shirt and i tense up.

"relax," he coos.

his fingers trace over my mini love handles, nearing my belly button. i don't know if i want him to go higher or lower. slightly, i back up into him, rubbing my ass in circular motions on his dick. a grunt leaves his mouth, his hot breath hitting my nape. my respiration elevates and the follicles on my forearms stand up.

"sorry," i sigh.

"don't be. if you like it, keep doing it."

i back up into him further and rest my ass on his bulge. his hand goes higher, tracing the side of my boob, to my underboobs, then to the other side; forming a 'w' in the process.

"you're not wearing a bra.”

"..they're uncomfortable."

he slowly goes up the slopes of my boobs and runs his thumb over my tits, kneading them for a while. "you like this?"

"mhm.."

"how about this?" he skims his hand all the way down to the top of my panties.

i turn a little on my back and buck my hips up, desperately inching my body closer to his fingertips. he inserts his hand and goes past the stubble to reach my throbbing clit. now i can feel the pressure of his dick getting erect and also his hand on my pussy.

"here?" his finger hovers.

"y..yes.."

he tenderly presses down and a moan escapes my mouth.

"you're so sensitive, babysis," he whispers. "i haven't even started."

he rubs my button in a figure 8 which makes me squirm like a worm. his fingers slide in between my moist folds, massaging me, as they go back up again to torture my clit.

"kayrem, please, in..in me."

he puts his mouth next to my ear, "how many?"

"as many as you can fit.."

"on one condition, you have to call me by my middle name from now on, sis."

knots get created in my stomach. knots and crosses. clusters and ravels. memories and misery. no, this cannot be happening again. i was here to talk to him, not play with him.

"stop.”

"what?"

"lavanda," i pull his hand out, "i'm sorry."

he doesn't say anything, but i can tell he's not that happy. i turn to face him. he's lying on his back with an arm crossed behind his head, in a pensive mood. there's a sense of nostalgia dancing in his distant expression as he stares out the skylight. i cuddle up to him, laying an arm and a leg over his torso.

“missed my room,” he murmurs melancholically.

“yeah, think i liked it better as a guest room.”

“shut up,” he rolls his eyes. "…why did you come back, marie?"

"i have something to tell you."

he glances at me curiously with those hazel eyes. how can i get lost in them when i have the exact same colour? his other sleeveless arm lingers over the blanket. i shift closer to him so that my body gently presses into his. he’s warm.

"i'm pregnant."

nothing but tensive as hell silence fills the room.

finally, kayrem exhales loudly, his stomach deflating and my arm lowering with the motion. "why the fuck are you telling me that?" he shoves me away. "i don't care about the shit you do with him. i also don't appreciate you bringing his shit back here."

"your shit."

"what?" he faces me with a blank expression.

"it's yours."

he opens his mouth to say something, but nothing comes out.

i sit up criss~cross applesauce. "that night when we did it, i..i haven't gotten my.." i clear my throat and start again. "i haven't gotten my..my.. ugh, sorry," i apologise, picking at my cuticles.

"it's okay. you can tell me. i’m your big brother," kayrem leans up on his elbow and stops me from fidgeting.

"i haven't gotten my period since. isaac said that he could deal with me being.." i gesture with my eyes to my tummy, "but he doesn't know that it's yours. and if he did, i don't know what he'll think of me. i just thought you should know before i did anything.”

“i..uhh…” kayrem scratches the back of his head. "do you know how far along you are?"

i shake my head.

"have you been to the doctors?"

i shake my head again.

"jesus, marie, have you done anything for it?"

no…

"i'm taking you to the docs tomorrow, i don't care," and he slumps back down.

"what, no!"

"you're going."

"i'm not!"

"like, hell."

"for fuck's sake!" i throw my hands up in the air. "i'm not keeping it, okay!”

he glares at me, trying to remain pragmatic, "i'm pretty sure this is the hormones talking, not you."

"don't you dare blame this on the hormones!"

"fine then," he spits out, "why even tell me all this when you could've gotten rid of it back there?! huh!?"

"because you had the right to know,” i murmur sadly.

he closes his eyes and shakes his head with a sigh, "you don't have to get rid of it because of how it came to be. it's selfish..heedless."

i shrug.

“if you’re worried about mother and father, don’t be. as long as i’m here, nobody can hurt you.”

yet he hurts me from simply uttering those weighty words.

"you can still give it up, but don't kill it.”

"we need to… incest and stuff. it’ll look like an alien.”

“incest or love?”

“i don’t love you, loser.”

“listen, we made the risk the moment we decided not to use..” he stops himself, clearly agitated. “anyways, the point is, marie, you're not a killer. you're nowhere close to being like him."

“what did you say?”

"nothing.”

“no, you said something, tell me.”

“dang it," kayrem rolls his eyes frustratedly. "i wasn't supposed to say anything till morning."

"what are you talking about?"

"hey," he grips my hand softly. "c’mon, let's go to sleep."

"no," i snatch my hand back. "i don't want you touching me right now."

he scoffs, "for real?"

i stare at him.

“whatever, get some sleep," and he turns on his other side, throwing the blanket over himself.

"i hate you, kayrem, i really do."

no answer.

i was about to leave his stupid room when the door sways open quietly.

"rosé, are you in here?" maxi's fragile voice wonders.

"buddy, what's up?" kayrem lifts his head up.

"wasn't talkin' to you," maxi mumbles.

"maxi, what happened?" i ask him.

"rosé," he says with relief when he hears my voice, "i..i had a nightmare and it was... it was..." he breaks into tears before having the chance to finish his sentence.

"naw, baby, come here," i hold my arms out.

"it was really scary!" he squeals and runs to me.

"it was just a nightmare, maxi, a bad dream," i console him, wiping his tears away. "it's not real. you have nothing to worry about, i promise."

"can i sleep with you guys, please?" he asks innocently.

“let’s go to my room, okay?”

"of course," kayrem grips my arm. "jump in, maximus. you can sleep in the middle, between me and marie."

"the... the house was on fire," maxi lays down, and i pull the covers over him. "i couldn't find you, rosé. i couldn't find mummy or daddy or kayrem too. when i looked out the window, i saw all of you standing there and smiling at me."

"jesus..." kayrem mutters.

"you know us, maxi," i sweep his locks to the side. "we would never leave you if the house was ever on fire. that wasn't us in your dream. they just looked like us."

"but you left me ~ twice, already."

i have trouble replying, sorta embarrassed, and give kayrem a glance.

"hey, bud, it was just a nightmare, alright?" he decides to step in for me. "nightmares can scare you, but they can't hurt you."

"see, you're safe with us," i add. "now go to sleep," i kiss him on the forehead. "kayrem and i will make sure the monsters can't come and get you."

"yeah, lil bro, your sister and i...we have our ways," he sends me a wink.

ew.

maxi nods, sobbing in my chest, and tries to fall asleep.

"what the fuck kind of movies have you been letting him watch lately?!" i hiss at kayrem.

"just an ep or two of supernatural," he informs me. "didn't think it'd be that bad."

"you didn't think..??" i shake my head in irritation. "you're such an idiot..!"

after 10 minutes or so, i can hear little snores coming from maxi.

kayrem puts his arm across maxi and rests the hand at the end of it on my waist. "kinda like seeing you like this," he whispers. "all protective of him. turns me on...a little."

i punch his shoulder, "nothing's gonna happen between you and i with him here. now shush, you're gonna wake him."

with my eyelids closed, the scent of red bull breath comes even closer, and before i know it, a pair of wet lips have enveloped over mine. i am caught a bit off guard because, like, our little brother is with us, and what if he wakes up? however, this doesn't seem to bother my big brother in the slightest.

there's something mellow about the kiss. it makes me feel safe and sound. i try not to make a sound or get lost in it, but i'm kinda losing it already. he tastes of sin, taurine and the colour red if red had a taste. he sticks his hand under my shirt, egging me on. we're both lowkey squishing burrito maxi in the process.

"fuck, stop, stop..!" i quickly retract.

"he's asleep," kayrem says calmly. "he ain't seein' nothin'," and attempts to find my lips again.

"i don't care. goodnight."

a moment later, kayrem snuggles his head inches away from mine and is like, "this could be us, you know. keep it, please.”

[daniellesimagines]

❀❀ a list of lines from every single work-in-progress to be linked later when i actually post them just bc i’m bored ❀❀

ashton irwin

And I get that it may seem obviously to other people, but... I’m not watching this on TV and you’re not here and I don’t know what people are saying about me being my back

If she’s not back by sunset, I’m leaving camp to look for her. And if something happened to her, you’re dead

I don’t care about what everyone else will say -- I care about you and your safety, so you can either stay with me at my place until everything with him is sorted out or I can sleep on your couch, but I am not leaving you alone

She deserves better than that, Ashton! She deserves better than you!

I’m a burden on everybody! That’s why I’m here -- that’s why they threw me in a mental hospital and left!

Nothing ever means anything to you anyway

She’s still my ex! Just because she ‘needed help’ doesn’t make it less weird!

Remember how you said if I needed anything, you’d do it...? C-Can I just have a hug?

You fucking heard me. Stop the fucking car

I’m not dating your ex. I asked her out if that’s what you mean

Maybe you could argue that ‘just friends’ do that too, but it’s not ‘just friends’ when Ashton does it for you

I just... I can’t...handle losing someone right after I almost lost you

Are you tall enough to ride the merry-go-round at the fair by yourself?

I’m all for taking credit for my work, but I’m not taking credit for this because 1) I didn’t do it, and 2) it’s sloppy as hell

She clearly needs someone right now and unfortunately for me, she chose you

I’ve heard your friends talking... I know no one thinks he’s still alive

I may be desperate for money, but I’m not selling my body for some rich, entitled frat guys to jack off to!

If you want to be embarrassed, that’s fine, but I’m not going to stand here and listen to you berate yourself like this

Those spirits at the prison we investigated a couple weeks ago really liked you

awsten knight

What could possibly be so hard for her?! She’s a Princess, for Christ’s sake!

Can’t imagine keeping everything bottled up is any easier than letting someone in

calum hood

I know you don’t like her, but telling her she’s not allowed to hug me around you is fucking ridiculous

Do you make it a habit to spy on people or am I just today’s lucky winner?

You can’t lie just to get me there -- I would have gone anyway

I’m not lying to Calum; I’m just not telling him how I feel

You know how you said I should be falling in love instead of living in that house...? I’m glad it’s gonna be with you

How am I meant to have fun with him around?

You wouldn’t do the things you do if you really loved me

When you’re not here, it’s easier to pretend you still love me

I have a question -- why is that guy looking at his corn dog like that?

Please don’t make me say it again -- the first time was embarrassing enough

If he knew he was going to meet you, he never would have told her those things

I can guarantee you that baby’s not his

I never stopped wanting you either

He wouldn’t have dumped me if he was still in love with me

If you were getting tired of me, you could have just said so

Always knew I’d cry if I met you guys -- just didn’t think this would be the reason

I can’t just not pay you for watching my dog for 5 months

Will you at least let me know what it’s like to kiss you?

Do you know how weird it is to have feelings for your boss?

If they want nothing to do with you, then I want nothing to do with them

Secrets don’t stay that way forever; They all have to come out eventually

He keeps asking if he can call you Mummy

It’s heartbreaking in all the right places

I told you getting the blonde put into your hair was a bad idea

cody carson

The day you get something different from Starbucks is the day I let Pistol sleep in your bedroom

At least I’ve never lied when I told you I love you

Wait, someone tried to kidnap that little girl on your lap?

dacre montgomery

My worst nightmare is disappointing Steve Irwin

damien haas

Am I even on this show right now? Is this all just some freakishly realistic dream?

harry styles

Would you have apologized if your daughter hadn’t made you?

Daddy doesn’t love me anymore

Since when are you afraid of getting rejected? 

jamie follese

I can’t help when I disappear! The cake batter calls to me and I must answer her!

He asks if I love you all the time even though I always say yes

I think I could talk my way out of jail

louis tomlinson

Nothing’s ever scared me more than the thought of losing you

luke hemmings

If I’m feeling this bad about meeting his friends, I don’t know what I’m gonna do when he wants to tell the fans

We’re only here for a few days; You’re just going to have to deal with sharing a bed until we leave

We made a bet on which one of you would confess your feelings first

Even if it wasn’t what he wanted to hear, he still needed to

She closes the store alone tonight -- you didn’t hear it from me

How many strings did my husband have to pull for this?

She doesn’t even want him! She’s only with him because she knows I do!

You know I don’t like when you do this to yourself

I got my ass handed to me by an 11-year-old and her Pokemon master of an aunt

I have nightmares almost every night, but I only come in here when they’re about you

She’s a hostage in a bank robbery! Of course I care about her being in there!

You’re by yourself in the stables at 11pm with tears on your face. Don’t tell me nothing’s wrong

Don’t be mad just because your siblings love me more than they love you

You know that means nothing to me! Stop bragging about having colors!

Even I’m not heartless enough to leave you without a dance partner

marshall traver

Nobody is alone -- not even in this world

You’re only apologizing because I’m the Princess; You wouldn’t be if I were a nobody

maxx danziger

I told him you hate water; I told him and he decided to try and throw you in anyway

Too used to blowing me off on the phone, you forgot how to talk to me in person?

I think they deserve a teacher who wants to see them succeed

If she’s still wearing her ring, she’s clearly not ready to date other people

You’re staying even though my dad’s an idiot, right?

We’re gonna circle back to the fetish thing later because I don’t believe you don’t have one for a second

michael clifford

Wouldn’t want you to stay longer than you have to just because of me

If you never say ‘I love you’ back to me, that’s completely okay

You’ve been crying, kitten; I can tell

Is there any point when you’re not going to be useless to us?

You fired her because you’re in love with her?!

What can I say? His parents are raising him right

Don’t even think about touching my brother again

Hit me like you mean it

Last day of camp -- won’t be able to do this until next summer

I know you paid my rent

Nothing would piss off that asshole more than getting the girl he wants

Since when would he jump at the chance to defend me?

I know you’ve seen how different he is with me now

The first thing I heard when I woke up was ‘I wish that I could wake up with amnesia and forget about the stupid little things’ and I did 

Unlike the girls you sleep with, I actually like being with a guy who can make me cum

It can’t possibly get worse than the hell you’re living right now

I love Michael... Oh my God... Ashton, I’m in love with Michael

Please bless us with this work of art

The only good thing about this tie is that it’s blocking some of the brightness from how pale you are

Why do you even have this song on cassette in the first place?!

She’s safe -- that’s all I’m allowed to say

How did two 11-year-olds manage to pull off the biggest switch ever?

You know they’re not going to let you marry me

I’m not a stranger to staying with people who treat me poorly

If I can handle you, I think I’m prepared for pretty much anything

You make Mumma forget about him and be happy and I like when Mumma’s happy

You said you weren’t going to let go of me

Can you write a song telling your soulmate to be less depressing? It’s really starting to worry me

I’m not stupid; I’ve seen your face -- I know I’m not getting out of this alive

I can either push past you or you can let me go, but I am going to go kiss my wife whether I have your permission or not

Not the worst injury I’ve ever had and definitely won’t be the last

This is not who I expected to be kissing when I put this dress on

ryan follese

Best of luck with your engagement to the Princess

I can’t put myself in a relationship I know won’t last

spencer reid

I didn’t marry a profiler, Spencer! I married you!

Any of us would have gone in to save your daughter -- it just happened to be me this time

tom holland

I know you love me, Tom -- I know you do... But it hurts that you don’t want other people to know it too...

trevor collins

I kinda wanted to wait and see if you were actually real before I said anything...

You may not be irreplaceable to the company, but you’re irreplaceable to me

I know you’re not sick; I know you just said it because you wanted to leave work early

zach dewall

I told you they were gonna be angry when they said it...

[justjessame]

Avery Emerson Clay: Safety First...And After

How best to describe Franklin Clay the First? Alright, I’ll do my very best, while trying to choke back the fact that he just heavy handedly outdid old Junior in blocking my full court press to my bedroom with Jake.

Take a snapshot of Franklin Junior. You have that stuck in your brain? Alright, now sharpen his edges, the angles of his face, tighten his body a bit. He’s still a brick shithouse, but he’s a leaner shithouse. Take that dark curly hair that Junior has, now add a shit ton of salt to that pepper. They’re the same height, have eerily similar voices, and they are annoyingly the same when it comes to allowing me to live my life the way I want to, although to be fair, Junior is rarely around so with him it’s rarer to see him exercise it.

“Sweetie,” Dad’s deep voice intoned, eyes lining up with Jake’s hand wrapped around my waist. “Are you going to introduce us to your new friend?” Shit, I nearly growled when I felt Jake’s hand slip away, and a return of his awkward geek.

“Daddy,” I felt my smile arch up into creeptactular territory. “I thought you were coming home in ‘a few days’. It’s been ONE.” Remain calm, Avery, throwing things never gets you anywhere other than sentenced to more yoga.

“Avery, honestly,” Mom, the voice of some reason, pushed past Dad shaking her head. “You know that once your father gets an idea into his head, he has to plow through.” She smiled at Jake, and I knew precisely what he was seeing. Me, slightly older, far blonder, and much more cultured. “You must be one of my Clay’s team members.” She held out one of her perfectly manicured hands, glittering with just the right amount of jewelry, and waited patiently while Jake blinked and tried to catch up. “I’m Amelia Clay, and you are?”

Jake finally caught on, genius that I felt sure he was underneath that heavy layer of geeky uncertainty. His huge man paw came out and clasped my mom’s hand carefully, and he found his smile wherever it had disappeared when my dad had announced himself. “Captain Jake Jensen, ma’am,” he nodded as he gave my mom’s hand a small careful shake. “It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

“Captain?” Dad’s voice sounded less than impressed. “Captain of what, precisely?” Shit, Daddy, could you tone down the fucking interrogation for like two minutes? “Guess I’ll have to wait until your brother gets his clothing rearranged into a more modest arrangement for the full story of his team.” I nearly laughed, somehow knowing that Daddy and Mom had gotten to Clay first made the blocking of my first round with Jake slightly less irritating than it had been. Very slightly. “Jensen,” Jake swallowed so hard I was sure that Clay heard him in the kitchen. “Let’s sit down and you can tell me all about yourself, and your interest in my little girl.” FUCK.

I don’t know how fucking long it takes a NORMAL human being to put on a pair of fucking pants, a white button down, and a pair of goddamn boxer shorts, but I know my brother was taking a fucking LIFETIME to put his shit back on. Jake had managed to nervously chuckle through his basic information, stumble over his interest in computer hacking and possibly admit to actually backdooring some GI files - yeah, that was something I DEFINITELY think Daddy wanted to pat him on the back about, and I realized that I could actually steer the conversation to safer territory when my mom nudged me with the very pointy end of her stiletto.

“Fuck,” I muttered, wondering if I had a hole in the top of my foot, but when I looked up ready to ask Mom if she’d lost her fucking mind, her eyes were wide and so were her nostrils and I realized she had the same concerns about my intelligence as I had for hers. Fucking duh. “Jake has a sister and a niece nearby, Daddy. Jessica, wasn’t it?” I reached for Jake’s hand and linked our fingers, solidarity, remember? “His sister, Jessica and his niece -” my elbow dug into his ribs, urging him to pick up the thread I left dangling. Safer territory, honey, grab it, go with it.

“Yeah, my niece -” and he was off. He told Daddy about the Petunias and the game he nearly caused an international incident at, but it was completely warranted during, which brought a similar event to Daddy’s mind and they were bonding. Thank the Lord.

By the time Clay finally got his shit together, and I had a fucking irritating inkling that he got his fucking rocks off THEN dressed, Daddy and Jake were on firmer and more friendly footing than when they first met. We were far less tense and were actually all holding glasses filled with drinks and Daddy was regaling Jake with a story about my post hospitalized four year old self beating an older neighborhood boy to a pulp for kicking a dog, when my erstwhile brother and his newest ladylove came strolling into the library.

“And there she was, bandaged around her middle like a miniature mummy, standing over this boy who outweighed her by about thirty pounds and he was covered in his own blood, snot, and piss,” Daddy was grinning with pride and humor. “All because he had the stupidity to kick a damn dog in front of our little avenger.”

“Seems like we missed a hell of a story,” Clay offered, moving toward the bar, the gleam of his white teeth shining like the sun and daring Daddy to knock his ass down a few notches. “Sorry for the -” he stopped while he poured a glass of bourbon, considering his words no doubt. “Delay.”

“I’m sure you had your reasons, darling,” Mom indulged, her little boy to the bitter end. “We’re just happy you’re safe and home.”

Daddy snorted into his own drink, eyes meeting mine with one eyebrow raised in sudden comradery. “Safe and home,” he muttered, glaring as Clay joined us, Aisha blending into his side. “Safe, home, and one man down.” Yep, there it was, the start.

“Roque wasn’t prepared for the sacrifice that comes from -” Clay started, but Dad cut him off.

“He wasn’t prepared to give up shit when you got burned.” He shook his head and leaned back, Mom curling into him, hoping to curb his ranting. “You had a snake in your nest, you took an order that didn’t pass the barest of sniff tests, and now here you are, with your tail between your legs hoping to figure out how the fuck to fix it all?” He studied Clay through narrowed eyes. “And have you, son? Have you figured it all out?”

Clay was silent, staring back, holding his glass in a relaxed hand. A standoff, and tense if anyone outside was looking in, which two were. But for me and Mom? This was a random fucking day in the house, any day that ends in “Y” honestly. I sighed.

“Does it matter?” Neither of the ball wielding Clays bothered looking my way, but I knew that wasn’t happening during Alpha Male Fun Times. “Does it matter if Clay has the answers yet?” Still nothing. Again not a shock. “No, Avery, it doesn’t matter.” I deepened my voice, and then went on in another slightly gruntier voice. “All that matters is that Clay’s not dead and he’s home. With all of us together, along with the team he has left, we can figure this shit out together.” Still nothing, at least nothing a layperson would notice, but Mom and I could see the slight twitch of their lips. “You’re so RIGHT, together we get shit done, IT IS THE CLAY WAY. Now Avery can go get laid. Meeting adjourned.”

That did it, it got the silence broken at least. Both Clay and Daddy looked at me with their mouths dropped open and I grinned. “What do you mean Avery can get laid?!” Daddy growled, eyes moving from me to glare at Jake.

“I mean that I’m an adult and so is Jake,” I stood up, pulling at Jake’s hand that was still linked with mine so he followed me upright. “Which means, whatever happens in Avery’s bedroom, stays in Avery’s bedroom.” We started toward the hallway and I could hear Daddy and Clay both muttering at one another, Daddy blaming Clay for bringing Jake to the house and Clay blaming Daddy for assuming I didn’t have free will. “Oh and don’t worry,” I called back, smiling as silence descended. “I will be very careful if we go with the Pruisk head knot, I’ll be super careful of the tension, no loss of limbs on MY watch.”

[ourloveisforthelovely]

On the Mend. Part 2

Harry Potter AU

Link to Part 1 

Pairings: Regulus Black x Reader. Sirius Black x Remus Lupin 

Rating: M- later chapters

Song in Chapter: The Night We Met by Lord Huron 

______

I am not the only traveler Who has not repaid his debt I've been searching for a trail to follow again Take me back to the night we met

And then I can tell myself What the hell I'm supposed to do And then I can tell myself Not to ride along with you

I had all and then most of you, some and now none of you Take me back to the night we met I don't know what I'm supposed to do, haunted by the ghost of you Oh, take me back to the night we met

When the night was full of terrors And your eyes were filled with tears When you had not touched me yet Oh, take me back to the night we met

I had all and then most of you, some and now none of you Take me back to the night we met I don't know what I'm supposed to do, haunted by the ghost of you Take me back to the night we met

Walking into the house, you immediately smelled Regulus’ cologne. You fought the urge to turn and run out of the house. It didn’t matter how much your heart was screaming to run to the man and never let him go. You had to think with your head this time. Renee deserved that much. She didn’t deserve to be torn between two parents. The child also didn’t need to see Regulus hurt you over and over again.

Your mind was also on Ambrosia Parkinson...Black...whatever her last name was now. What if she and Regulus repaired their relationship? Would she be unkind to Renee? What if she wasn’t? The 13-month-old wouldn’t be able to tell you if her stepmother was cruel. Would Regulus even pay enough attention to notice anything strange? Something told you, no.

The better question was how would Ambrosia handle the news that Regulus had a child with another woman? You smirked at the thought of the whole Black family having a major hissy fit because Regulus royally fucked up. Regulus went and knocked up the “Potter girl.” You could see Walburga’s scowl in your mind. The horrible woman would either be on the floor screaming or burning Regulus’ name off of the family tapestry. What a scandal that would be! Sirius was already gone, now her youngest “good” son had sunk to a whole new level of low.

Regulus was lucky that James wasn’t alive right now. Your older brother would have probably tried to kill him by now. James would definitely not sit back and leave it to his best friends to help raise Renee. He would have gone to Grimmauld Place and hexed Regulus until he left Ambrosia to take care of his responsibility.

You had to shake the thoughts of James from your mind. If you wanted to face Regulus and not be sobbing you had to stop thinking of your brother. Regulus didn’t deserve you taking that wrath out on him. He didn’t have anything to do with James or Lily’s deaths.

The hallway to the sitting room was dark. You took a few deep breaths before stepping in. Both Regulus and Remus immediately stood when you walked in. Regulus was paler than you remembered as he opened his mouth to speak a few times but nothing came out. He was still the same handsome boy that you loved so much.

Your attention went to Remus, who was nervously looking between the two of you.

“Remus, we have insurance on this place...right?”

Remus nodded, slightly confused.

“Yes. Why?”

You reached over for the vase that was sitting on the table beside you. Right away you started throwing whatever you could get your hands on at Regulus. Whether it be the shock of you coming after him so violently or something else, Regulus didn’t move quick enough and was pelted by several objects. Finally, he resumed his quick seeker’s reflexes and started smacking stuff away from him as you tossed it.

Remus jumped back, not about to get hit before yelling for Sirius. By the time Sirius put the baby in her playpen and ran into the living room, you had your wand out and was hurling hexes at Regulus. Sirius blinked a few times as Regulus quickly dodged whatever you threw his way.

“A little help here?”

Regulus snapped toward his brother, who shrugged.

“She’s being a lot nicer than I would be.”

Sirius wasn’t about to step in on this one. In his mind, you deserved the right to do whatever you wanted. Remus, meanwhile, quickly wrapped his arms around you from behind.

“Think about Renee. I know that you are hurt and angry but this is her father. Please...this is not you Y/n.”

He whispered in your ear. Remus kept his voice low enough so that only you would hear. You trembled a few times before lowering your wand and putting it in Remus’ outstretched hand. Remus gave you a gentle smile before turning to the wrecked living room.

Regulus meanwhile, looked slightly scared as you turned to face him. He expected you to be hostile but he didn’t expect to get attacked. This behavior wasn’t you. Regulus decided that he had himself to blame for this extreme change in character and he hated it!

You were still the beautiful girl that he had fallen in love with during 6th year. Everything about you was the same. You still had those hazel eyes that could change shades by your mood. There were those full lips that were screaming to be kissed. Everything about you was what Regulus wanted and needed. Only now he was afraid that you would never accept what he had to offer...which wasn’t much.

“What are you doing here?”

You asked, coldly. Regulus regained his calm composure. Moments before he was close to panicking himself. There was no way that he had control of what you had just done to him but maybe if he could just speak...

“I needed to talk to you.”

You narrowed your eyes.

“There are letters and telephones. Both of those work nicely.”

“And you would ignore me.”

Regulus replied. You shrugged.

“Most likely. It would be your own fault. When will you learn foolish boy that if you play stupid games you will win stupid prizes?”

Sirius leaned back and held a hand up.

“She’s got a point.”

Regulus glared at his older brother.

“I didn’t come to talk to you.”

Sirius smirked as you turned back to Regulus.

“You should go home to your wife and be a good husband. I have nothing to offer you.”

You actually had a lot to offer him and both of you knew it. After some time of healing, you could open your heart to him again and love him as you did. There wouldn't have to be any more hiding in the shadows to kiss your lover. You could kiss and hold him as you so desperately wanted to.

He left you! He left you for some pureblood princess who his FAMILY found acceptable. It didn’t matter then that you are a pureblood and it won’t now. Regulus didn’t stand up for your love then why would he now? Don’t let him hurt you again!

Your mind hissed.

It didn’t take Regulus knowing everything about you to know that you were giving yourself some little pep talk that was geared against him. If he could just gain control of this conversation….

“You actually have a lot to offer me. I’m not married to Ambrosia anymore.”

“That’s a pity.”

You muttered before turning and taking the glass of water that Remus was holding out to you.

You actually have a lot to offer me.

You internally snorted at the thought. The only thing that you had to offer him was the heir that sat in the other room happily playing with her blocks. Hell would freeze over before you let the Black family sink their claws into your precious little girl.

Regulus only blinked. He expected your sarcasm to be thrown his way.

“Not really. I didn’t want her anyway.”

You turned.

“Where was that attitude before? I’m sure your mummy is having a fit about her little splendid plan falling apart.”

Regulus frowned.

“I didn’t come to talk about my parents.”

“Well, I don’t know what you want from me, Regulus. You made your feelings quite clear. I loved you. Now you're just a page torn from the story that I’m living.”

Remus, meanwhile, motioned Sirius out of the room. This conversation was becoming a bit more personal than he cared to witness.

Regulus waited until they were out of the room before stepping closer to you.

“I’m sorry that I hurt you. You didn’t deserve to suffer because I didn’t want to upset my parents. If I could go back and do things differently...it would have been you that I married...not her. I love you. I never loved her as I love you. Why the hell do you think that she left me? Ambrosia is a lot of things. Stupid isn’t one of them.”

You raised an eyebrow.

“She knows that you love me...me specifically and not some other girl?”

Regulus nodded. He didn’t let his eyes leave yours.

“Yes. I told her.”

When you started laughing, Regulus felt a bit confused. What was funny about this whole situation? There was nothing funny! Regulus missed the birth of his daughter and broke your heart for no reason yet here you were laughing.

“What’s funny about this?”

He snapped. You had to swallow back another fit of giggles as you turned to see Remus and Sirius watching you looking as baffled as Regulus. Sirius leaned over to Remus and muttered “when a woman starts laughing at you over something stupid that you did that is how you know how fucked you are.” You made a mental note to congratulate him on that comment later before turning back to Regulus.

“What’s funny is all of this bullshit could have been avoided if you would have been a man and stood up to your parents. We wouldn’t have had to go through anything that we would have. Ambrosia wouldn’t be out there wondering what the fuck she did wrong. I must really be crazy because I am sticking up for her ass. By the way, you married a woman named after some kind of fruit salad. At least my name makes sense.”

Regulus crossed his arms over his chest with a scowl.

“Are you done?”

You shook your head. Hell no, you had enough material to make the poor guy listen to for hours. Regulus wasn’t with you when you were going through your own personal hell. He wasn’t there when you had to put your brother and best friend in the ground. When you lost custody of your nephew to a couple of muggle shitheads or when you were in labor for 20+ hours with Regulus’ child. That was Sirius and Remus there. They went through that whole ordeal with you! It was Sirius who did what Regulus was supposed to do when a child was born. Sirius and Remus were the ones walking the floors comforting a colicky Renee at three am when you were so frazzled that you wanted to cry yourself. The keywords here were Sirius and Remus, not Regulus.

“I have a lot of material. You should stick around.”

You replied with a smirk before sitting down on the couch. Regulus was silent for a few moments as he tried to get himself in check. Finally, he couldn’t stand it or remain calm any longer. Expressing his emotions was hard enough but at the moment he wasn’t feeling too shy either.

“Merlin, I fucked up! Fucked up big! What else can I say, Y/n?! I want to be a part of yours and Renee’s life. What about our child? I deserve to be in her life too...if I would have known before I would have been there. As you said, there are telephones and letters. I didn’t get anything that I deserved to get.”

The guilt began to fill your senses again.

“You made it clear that you wanted nothing to do with me. You had your wife and that is where your heart was.”

“I just told you that I didn’t love her. That would have been all the more of a reason for me to walk away.”

Your eyes dropped to his feet.

“You still wouldn’t have left.”

Regulus waited a moment before closing the distance between you. His fingers tilted your face to his.

“I’m here now.”

You stared into his eyes...those beautiful grey-blue eyes that you loved so much.

“Please, love. I’m not going anywhere ever again. You want the lover that you were supposed to have..the father that our daughter should have had from the beginning...I’m right here.”

You put your hand on top of his. Feeling his skin against yours felt more heavenly than you wanted to admit. Regulus’ hand was trembling beneath yours as you pulled away.

“I can’t trust you yet.”

“I’m not a death eater anymore. If that’s what you're scared of too…”

You didn’t turn to face him again.

“I’m not afraid of you being a death eater. I’ve dealt with that since we were 16. I’m afraid of having my heart broken again. That is what I am afraid of.”

You walked out of the room. At the moment, you needed to get some air and fast!

Sirius waited until he heard the front door close before leaning down and scooping Renee up. He smiled down at his little niece.

“Time for you to shine, sweetheart.”

Regulus was still staring at the place where you had been standing when Sirius walked back into the sitting room. The younger brother’s eyes weren’t blinking as he fought the urge to cry. He thought for a brief moment that you would let him kiss you. If he could give you just one kiss...just show you the passion that he still felt...maybe things would be alright? Now he didn’t know where he stood or if you would ever let him back into your life again. As you said, he was just a page torn from the story that you were living.

“You’ll have to give her some time. The last little bit hasn’t been too kind to any of us. We are all afraid to open up to anyone right now.”

Regulus’ head snapped up at his brother’s voice. He froze seeing the little girl in Sirius’ arms. Regulus would have recognized this baby as his from anywhere. She was everything that Regulus could have ever dreamed about.

Sirius smiled down at her.

“She has your eyes and Y/n’s sweet personality...most of the time. You both have dark hair so take that how you want it. Renee, want to say hi to your daddy?”

The little girl looked between her uncle and father before shoving her face in Sirius’ neck. Sirius’ smile faded when Regulus looked down. It didn’t take Sirius being Regulus’ brother to know that the other man was questioning every choice that he had ever made in his life.

“She’s a bit shy at first. Once she warms up to you, you aren’t going to have another quiet moment in your life. She’s finally starting to talk and we are still working on the walking thing. She doesn’t have much desire to learn when someone is always willing to pick her up.”

Renee had slowly turned her attention back to Regulus with a little sly smile.

“See what I mean?”

Sirius said with a smile. He turned his attention to the little stuffed lamb that was laying on the couch.

“Get that toy and bend down.”

Regulus quickly did as he was told as Sirius stepped within arm's length of his brother and knelt down. Sirius gently turned Renee around.

“Sugar, why don’t you go tell your daddy hi and get your little toy?”

Renee focused her attention on Regulus as he held a hand out. She watched him for a few moments before wrapping her hand around his fingers and taking a few shaky steps. Sirius smiled as she made contact with Regulus’ chest. Regulus gently adjusted the baby in his arms before slipping the stuffed lamb into her hands.

“Daddy.”

Renee said with a smile. Regulus leaned down and snuggled his face against her head. Dark curls tickled his nose as the scent of your perfume mixed with baby lotion filled his senses. This was the scent that Regulus didn’t want to forget as long as he lived.

Sirius, meanwhile, sat down with a smile on his face.

“Regulus, I normally wouldn’t say this in front of the baby but if you plan on lea…”

“I’m not leaving.”

Regulus replied, firmly.

“I can’t...not now. I need to talk to Y/n.”

Sirius smiled, sadly. After the last conversation that the two of you shared, it would probably be a good idea for Regulus to wait for you to go to him. Sirius had politely put the sitting room back in order and really didn’t want to risk it being destroyed again. It would only take one good hex or heavy object to really bruise Regulus up.

“Give her some time, Reg. She needs it.”

Regulus nodded before looking back down to his daughter. Her attention was still glued to the stuffed animal that she was now chewing on. He stroked his finger over Renee's cheek with a soft smile. If he had to wait for you it would be worth it. Patience wasn’t something that Regulus didn’t have much of but maybe it was time to develop a new skill.

_____

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[ihatethesims4]

Ranking Sims Movies So You Don’t Have To

The whole Movie Hangout Stuff Pack is just... top tier gameplay. Truly Iconic. That is why it’s completely necessary I force my Sims to hangout at the Newcrest Cinema & VR for 8 hours while I critique all the high quality masterpieces The Sims Team decided to bless us with.

As soon as I walked in, I wasted my last 10 dollars on popcorn thinking I was going to get a classic campy experience. I forgot my Sim was a Vampire. I guess it didn’t completely go to waste, though, because the Preppy guy from Get Together with the pink sweater wrapped around his neck gobbled it, swallowed it. He’s welcome.

After that little fiasco, I just took my ass into one of the theatres and went into first person mode for the most quintessential experience. These are my results:

10. College Cram

This movie literally has no plot.

Me and my Sim suffered through it. ⭐/⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

9. The Adventures of Spaceship Simulation

Right off the bat, this one is boring me with the title alone. It starts off with some... stuff... happening. I don’t even know what happens. It was so boring I was literally looking somewhere else 30 seconds in. Then, suddenly, an Alien Frog and a Robot get in a slow motion fist fight. Robot was getting its ass kicked. The Robot flies back home looking like the chump he is.

I would not recommend this movie to my worst enemy. ⭐/⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

8. Diamonds are for Sims

The movie starts off with the Sim.B.I. chasing down this diamond smuggler on yachts. He is caught and while being investigated, escapes again. Not before blowing up the Chief Director and stealing the diamond again, though, of course.

Boring. Unexpectedly ruthless. ⭐/⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

7. Superkids: Cortex Catastrophe

Two normal kids are not normal at all. They need to defeat Period Man. They superspeed their way into Period Man’s evil liar and Period Blood brings out his evil bunnies in retaliation. Evil bunnies are no match for prepubescent unmuscular children, though. It ends with the kids going back to their normal life for not-so-normal-kids—where they play chess while Period Man screams in the background.

It’s not bad, but it ain’t Rodriguez either. Not my style.⭐/⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

6. Lost Dog’s Journey Home

A stupid household didn’t build a fence around their yard, and as a result, their daughter loses the family dog to a cat while playing in the yard unsupervised. The cat leads the dog to... Egypt??! and jumps in a Mummy��s lap. The dog decides to give up on that and start the journey home. He travels through all kinds of green screenery until he finds his girl again.

It’s really a two star flick, but I added a extra one because the Mummy thing genuinely surprised me. ⭐⭐⭐/⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

5. Sims of the Dead

Like every other great zombie movie, it starts off with two hotties making out on a park bench. But uh-oh—a zombie bursts out of the ground for a midnight snack. As expected, soon the whole town is infected. Or at least it seems that way. A girl who looks like she’s coming back from a rave starts doing a Gangnam Style/Thriller dance routine and the zombies follow her. The power of dance brings everyone together and the zombies and humans agree to live in harmony.

I’m a sucker for horror, but the ending left me wanting. ⭐⭐/⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

4. Moonlight Massacre III

A group of teens are on their way to a camping trip in the middle of nowhere when they decide they need supplies & gas. They stop at the typical rinky dink rank stank gas station and somehow piss off the owner. Later, at the campsite, they’re getting juiced and failing to recognize Peeping Tom watching them through the bushes. One of the teens goes to take a piss and is immediately taken out by Tom. Another teen goes to check on Mr. Pee and he gets chased off a mountain and falls to his death. The gas station owner and Tom dance, satisfied.

I have so many questions... Why only two dead? What did they get from doing that? Will the other kids just go home, no-questions-asked? We’ll never know.  ⭐⭐/⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

3. Roaring Vice

A cool sexy older guy picks up a girl from Coney Island with his convertible. Literally. He then takes her to a downtown dive bar (that’s swanky as Hell) and gets arrested for seemingly no reason. He’s locked in jail for a whole ass time, and every day he writes a letter to his lover. When he gets out of jail, he’s old and wrinkly but his also old and wrinkly girlfriend is waiting for him with the car.

I’m not gonna lie, I thought this was gonna be a completely different movie. It was ok, though. Average at best. ⭐⭐/⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

2. The Khlumzee Sisters

The Khlumzee Sisters is a silent film about three sisters who scam their way into a job at a Michelin restaurant. The girls are obviously pretty shitty chefs, and unfortunately the Head Chef finds this out on an busy night. Somehow, a bunch of animals break into the kitchen and start wreaking havoc everywhere. The movie ends with the girls getting fired and chased out of the restaurant.

There is no happy ending. Only a good one. ⭐⭐⭐/⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

1. Simder

A girls’ day is broken by a real date. Samantha gets a text on Simdr asking her if she wants to come over and get painted. Samantha decides that sounds exciting and heads on over. The painting is ass, so she goes back home and deletes him from her mutual likes. The second guy she meets is a catfish. She also deletes him.

Samantha is damn near a mental breakdown from all these matches and goes to the club with her gorls to party out the single. She sees Prince Charming staring at her from across the dance floor. They dance. He falls and cracks his spine. She cries and leaves him to die.

Later, she’s crying in her kitchen again when the ghost of cracked spine comes up and feels on her ass. She turns around, surprised, but aroused. My Sim (watching the movie) literally threw his hands up in a what-the-fuck shrug when he saw him. Same. Samantha gets married and lives happily ever after.

This was... a wild ride. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐/⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

[queenofbaws]

UD/MoM: Of Mummy Men & Bathtub Soup - 4

Chapter: 4/? Chapter title: (Spooky scary) skeletons in the closet Fic rating: T - Language, blood, light comedic body horror Chapter summary: Conrad says WAY too much. Author’s note: Reminder - this is also on AO3, where the texting actually looks like, uh…texting! Previous | Next ---

“You did.”

“I did not.”

“You absolutely did, and the more you say you didn’t, the more I’m convinced that you did!”

Drumming his fingers against the unpleasantly sticky surface of the apartment’s coffee table, Conrad exhaled an exhausted breath through his nose. “I’m a grown-ass adult who is perfectly aware of his bodily functions and I am telling you asshats that I know for a fact I did not piss myself.”

“Methinks the lady doth protest too much…” Hartley snickered, reaching over to meet Wash’s hand in a high-five.

Thirty minutes. He’d been in their grimy apartment for thirty fucking minutes and this had been the sum total of conversation: Ha ha ha, hee hee hee, isn’t it so funny how we almost gave Conrad a heart attack back at the house? We’re so whimsical and funny and smart, ho ho ho, har-de-har-har-har. Even Ash had gotten in on it, though Sam at least seemed to have enough decency inside of her to keep from outright jeering at him.

Didn’t have enough of that decency to, y’know, say ‘No guys, I won’t be part of this super stupid prank,’ but beggars couldn’t be choosers.

The details of their stupid goof weren’t important. They’d kept searching the basement. It’d been dark. Ash had ‘gotten sick.’ He’d been a good fucking person and gone to check on her—like good people do!—and what had he gotten in return? Well, he’d gotten the fuck (but not the piss!) scared out of him.

To his credit, he absolutely would’ve noticed something was off if he hadn’t been so distracted by the fact that the gang’s matching hoodies had the word ‘CREPES’ printed on them for some reason. If he hadn’t been trying to puzzle that one out, there was no question in his mind he would’ve noticed that Ash was acting suspicious or that there were lumps under the cuffs of her sleeves or something like that. As it was, though, he’d been trying to figure out why the fuck the CREEPS ghost hunting team had matching sweatshirts that said CREPES instead, so no. No, he hadn’t been expecting it when she’d lunged at him with her stupid white-out contacts and all that fake blood Wash was always carting around in the back of his car like some sort of discount dollar store Patrick Bateman.

Assholes. Oh, they thought it was the funniest thing that had ever happened in the history of the world. It had been days! Days! And they were still laughing!

He’d come here to watch the episode they’d put together and to okay the segments he was in—he had not come here to have a bunch of idiots without enough charisma between them to fill a teaspoon point and giggle at him. Of course, that hadn’t turned out a whole lot better because, see, these boneheads thought they were real funny; they’d turned his episode (the one they’d insisted on titling ‘MUMMY MANSION – EXPOSED!!!’) into the one offering on their stupid YouTube channel where everything was—surprise!—easily explained away by science and/or common sense. Not ghosts. Or ghouls. Or mummies. Or…shit, what else was there? Vampires? Goblins?

He was seriously beginning to doubt that working with these fuckers would be worth spooking Alex and Julia after all.

“Okay,” he groaned when the bullying became too much for his itty-bitty feelings to handle and a change of subject felt just as necessary as his next breath, “Serious question time, if you lugs are done busting my chops.” He adjusted his position on the couch, leaning in closer to the center of their group, “Have you guys ever seen anything that could possibly be real? Shit you couldn’t explain?”

Sam was the first to bow out of the conversation. “Don’t look at me, I’m the newbie here. I haven’t gone looking for anything creepy or crawly until I joined up.”

“Fair enough. Dorks?” He turned his gaze towards the other three, less than surprised when they all sort of grimaced.

“Uh…n…no. No, I don’t think so?”

“Hey, that’s not true! What about that Polaroid from Cochise’s aunt’s house? That shit was pretty convincing…”

“Dude. For the millionth time, that was a fucking moth.”

“Oh please. That was a top quality orb, my doubtful friend. Legit ghost material.”

“It was a moth.”

“Orb.”

“It had eyes!”

“Haunting, ghostly eyes. Stared right into my very soul. Laid my whole person bare. The pure sense of knowing in those eyes…the hatred in that stare…”

“It had wings and antennas!”

“Antennae.”

“Thanks, Ash. No one would’ve understood what I meant otherwise.”

He was used to their shtick by that point, so he just let them go, leaving them free to act out their little Three Stooges act to their hearts’ content. Really, he knew there wasn’t much on Earth that could stop them once they got started anyway…it was better to keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times when dealing with Wash and his horror harem, honestly, and he was in too good a mood today to risk getting one of his fingers caught in the gears of that particular merry-go-round. Way too good a mood.

He did have a date tonight, after all.

“Ghost moth,” he said with a nod, “Cool. Super spooky. Y’know, if you guys really wanted to scare your audience, not sure why you stopped with the whole comedy thing…shit sure gave me nightmares.”

Oooh, that one must’ve hit close to home, because Hartley actually turned around in his little swivel chair and looked away from his computer for the first time since Conrad had knocked on their door. “For your information,” he began, “We were hilarious. I-i-it’s not our fault Vine went defunct, that was all on—”

There was a snort from Ash’s side of the couch, and uh oh, trouble in paradise, Hartley’s attention shifted to her instead. “What? I mean…he’s right,” she said, a wicked curve to her lips. “Seriously though, the cooking stuff was wayyy scarier. Like geez Louise, did you guys pay attention in Home Ec even once?”

“The answer to that one’s gonna be a resounding, uh, no.”

Rolling his eyes and holding his hands up as though to defend himself from this bloodthirsty onslaught of (totally fair) criticism, Wash pointed out, “Hey, never once have I had a reason to know how to cook, okay?”

“Uuuntil the cooking show,” Ash interrupted.

“Until the cooking show,” he ceded. “If you hadn’t noticed, I’m an artistic, talented, wealthy individual with a solid metabolism and very generous genetics. I can afford to eat all of my meals fresh out of the microwave, thank you very much. Now Cochise, on the other hand—”

“Fuck you too, dude.” And aw man, was that an actual crack in his voice? Precious. So precious. Getting a rise out of Hartley was the easiest goddamn thing in the world—all you had to do was say anything, literally anything, halfway witty with Ash in the same room. Guy was twice as transparent as any ghost they’d ever claimed to come across.

…speaking of ghosts…

Conrad leaned back on the couch, not exactly thrilled at the strange lump poking him just underneath his left shoulder blade, and nodded towards Wash. “You fucks were too busy doing your whole Friday the 13th bullshit to really explain when I asked the other night, so pardon me for belaboring the point, but uh…what’s up with the breakfast club hoodies, huh?”

Washington plucked at the front of his own, looking down into the face of the dorky ghost on his chest, its comical nerd glasses cracked as though it had been beaten up by a bigger, stronger, less blobby phantasm. Then, eyebrows slowly rising the lower his eyes went, he reached the lettering. “Yeahhh…Cochise screwed the pooch on that one.”

“So what else is new?”

“Hey. Watch it, Connie.” There was a warning note in Ash’s voice, and why wouldn’t there be? She was just as easy to mess with—poke fun at Hartley one time too many and pow! God, he wondered if they realized they were so obvious. He doubted it. Highly. Sincerely. Ash and Hartley were two of the stupidest smart people he’d ever met in his life, and that was a stone-cold fact. The world was likely to enter a second ice age before either one of them made anything even resembling a move.

“Why don’t you get new ones, then?” he asked, “I mean, don’t get me wrong, something about the whole misspelling thing is def fairly representative of your group as a whole, but…”

Clearly rubbed raw over his typo, Hartley rolled his eyes and groaned, “Stop acting so high and mighty, Connie, it—”

Oh, good mood or not, that would never fucking do. “Dude, for the last time, don’t call me Connie.”

“Everyone calls you Connie! I just want in on that action.”

“Ohoho, no everyone does not.” He hunkered down to show them how dead serious he was about the whole thing (and he was, in fact, quite fucking serious), explaining in the careful tone of a kindergarten teacher telling a four-year-old about the dangers of sticking craft scissors in their nose, “‘Connie’ is exclusively for family and the ladies. Ladies such as our lovely, lovely Miss Brown, here.” He swept an arm out towards Ash, who promptly made a noise of disbelief…but unless he was wrong (he wasn’t), who also might’ve also gone a bit pinker in the cheeks and ears.

Wash leveled his stare at him. “Am I not a pretty enough lady for you? You are unbelievable, man. You come into my home, insult my feminine wiles…”

“You’re not a pretty enough anything for me, Washington.”

“This is why no one likes you, Bishop.”

“Uh, pretty sure your mom does. Pretty sure she likes me a whole lot, in fact.” Well, now this was a well-travelled path, wasn’t it? (Much like Wash’s mom.) Grinning, he leaned in again, preparing an all-out, full-frontal ‘Your Mom’ assault, when Hartley interrupted him.

“Heyheyhey, not to press the pause button on this meeting of the minds, but…let’s do this scientifically. Can I call you Connie?”

He bared his teeth in what wasn’t a grimace but wasn’t exactly a smile, either. “Only if I can call you Cochise.”

Ah, that seemed to drive the point home. Hartley’s mouth flattened into a line. “Okay, so that’s a hard no. Can Ash?”

“Yeah. I literally…” Conrad sighed, dramatically dropping his head into one of his hands. “I just said that. Keep up, Cochise.”

“I said no. How about Michelle Obama?”

This was why he didn’t hang out with these assholes more than once in a blue moon. This right here. He watched Hartley for a grip, blinking a single, tired blink when he saw there was no escaping the upcoming list. “I mean, sure? If she wants to. I wouldn’t turn her down.”

“Nic Cage?”

“No.”

“Wow, okay, rude, I’m sure you’ll be hearing from his people about that. The man is a national treasure. What about Josh?”

“Abso-fucking-lutely not.”

“Interesting! And Sam?”

“I—” He��d been too distracted by the others’ idiocy to really pay much attention to what Sam had been doing up until that point, but at Hartley’s mention, he found himself compelled to look her way. It was then, looking at her profile as she flipped through her notebook, that he realized with a fair amount of surprise that the answer that had immediately popped into his mind had been ‘no.’ “I mean…”

She perked up at the sound of her own name, eyebrows first arching upwards and then knitting. “Oh, uh. Should I be insulted?”

“No—no. You could call me Connie if the spirit moved you,” he said slowly, tilting his head this way and that, an itch tickling the grey matter at the very back of his brain. It was like there was something he was missing and it was on the very tip of his tongue…

“Uh, thanks.”

“Nice, man. Real nice. You come into my home, you insult Sammy’s feminine wiles…”

“No, I…it’s nothing personal, you just…” And then it clicked. Oh, holy shit did it click.

“What?” Wash taunted. “Say it.”

Without turning to him, Conrad flipped him the bird. Now that it had occurred to him, saying it out loud felt stupid, like running into your parents’ room to tell them how terrifying your nightmare had been only to realize, oh whoops, maybe there wasn’t actually anything inherently scary about being in an aquarium where the all the water and fish were purple. Then again, he needed to remember he was talking to a bunch of people who willingly told the internet at large that they poked around abandoned McDonald’s PlayPlaces to find ghosts, so like.

They could probably deal.

“You look just enough like my sister that it would be weird. Like, you don’t look exactly like her, but it’s really, really close, and—” Something else occurred to him then. This was a primo opportunity to get the creepy crawlies back on track! Forgetting Sam entirely, he whirled around to Wash, grinning that innocent down-home grin that showed his dimples so well. “Hey! So, speaking of my sister…do you remember the terms of our little arrangement?”

If he was moved by the dimples, Wash didn’t let on. “Uh, yeah. You took us to a dingy, late-80’s split-level with no ghosts and lots of dust, and in return, you got to pretend like you had friends for a night.”

“Ooh, burn!”

Conrad ignored Hartley entirely, sticking an accusatory finger in Wash’s face as he got up from the couch to more efficiently round on him. There was no way he was going to let this weasely weasel weasel out of their deal…sel. “And! And you said you’d scare someone for me.”

“Pretty sure we did that too.” With a wave of his hand, Wash had Hartley play (and replay…and replay again) the part of their exploration through the mansion where, wow, how hilarious, Ash had scared the fuck out of him. He was still fairly convinced they’d edited the video in some way to make his voice sound shriller than it actually was, but he knew damn well neither of them would ever admit to it.

“Ha ha. Funny. Real funny. You guys are a real Abbott and Costello, huh? Look, if you’re gonna be a little shit and renege on our deal…”

“Oh blah blah blah…would you quit yapping and get to the point already, man?”

He clapped once, rubbing his hands together in what was most certainly a very business-like manner and not at all reminiscent of a cartoon villain preparing to tie someone to the railroad tracks. “Okay, okay, so. The chump in question is JJ’s boyfriend. Just need to get a good scare in to fuck with his bullshit macho act—”

“Wait, Alex?”

For a second there, his brain cramped up. Something about hearing Alex’s name out of Hartley’s mouth just hit pause on the whole shebang. “How did y…oh shit, right, you’re friends with Brad, aren’t you?” Shit. Oh shit. If they mentioned any of this to Brad, he was SOL. “Ugh! God—don’t you bring him in on this! I think we all know Bradical’s a man of many talents, but subterfuge? Not one of ‘em.” Which was being kind, really. Exceptionally kind. The kinda kind only doddering old grandmothers could usually achieve.

Thankfully, he found no resistance from the peanut gallery. “Yeah, no.”

“Bless his little heart, he tries.”

“Does he?”

Meanwhile, Wash’s posture had changed in a small, subtle way, his head inclined at an angle that years of experience had taught him meant he was listening especially carefully. He sniffed disinterestedly, which again suggested that he was, in fact, extremely interested. “What, precisely, did the elder Smith do to get in your bad book? Never pegged you as the protective sort, Conman.”

He blew a raspberry that tapered off into a snicker. “Protective? Nah, not me. This is just, uh…” Ah, but here was…a crossroads.

The less these fuckers knew about his actual intentions, the better. He’d seen how they handled themselves, and he was not about to get himself into some sort of shitty Monkey’s Paw situation where he got them to agree to this prank only for them to fuck him over in the end. Like, say, how they’d managed to fuck him over with the stupid Mummy Mansion episode. Nuh-uh, no way. Not in this lifetime. Wash would find out about the inevitable wedding when his parents made their bi-annual call to check in on him and mentioned something about ‘that sweet Bishop girl getting married.’ No sooner. So help him God.

“Initiation! What are we older brothers good for, if not putting the fear of God into baby sis’s prospective datemates, right? I mean,” he chuckled, nudging Josh with his elbow, “You know what that’s like. It’s our job!”

It came to him a moment too late that, uh.

Fuck.

Wash’s sisters weren’t exactly in need of protecting anymore, were they?

Mmm.

Yikes.

Whoops.

Wash’s smile tightened. “I’ll fucking think about it.”

Conrad pretended not to realize this was a grade-A foot-in-mouth situation, doubling down in hopes that it would get them out of the conversation that much faster. “Think about it? You promised!”

“Yeah, and you promised us a mummy man, so…”

“I did not promise you a mummy. I said—”

“Ah, and now you’re gonna make up a whole new load of crap and try to sell me on it, huh? Not how it works.”

“I’m not making anything up!” He kept the indignation in his voice, but phew was he glad they’d waltzed their way out of Dead Sibling Station.

“Oh bull-fucking-shit, dude, you’re—”

“All I did was tell you what my mom told me, okay? I can’t control the information that’s passed on to me—I can only convey it to you…”

“Christ alive…”

“…in a manner that’s both truthful and entertaining! I didn’t say we’d find a mummy, I said someone else did! Once. A while ago. But—but!” Oh thank God for his dad’s big fucking mouth, and thank God he’d been attentive enough that night at dinner to get a workable story out of it, “That wasn’t the only story she got from the previous homeowners!” Oho, that got ‘em. The girls might not’ve cared, but Wash and Hartley were both watching him expectantly.

Fantastic. He had…such a story ready for them. “For real,” he continued, “Get this: The guy who owned the place before the most recent couple? He died in there!”

“Uh huh.”

“In the shower! He didn’t have any family or anything, so it took the mail people noticing that his mailbox was crammed full to go ‘Huh, wonder where this sad sap is.’ So they called in a welfare check, the cops came, and they found this guy in the bathroom, dead in the tub, with the shower still running! It’d been going the whole fucking time! They said by the time they found him…” He paused for dramatic effect, eyes flicking from Wash to Hartley and back again, “…they couldn’t tell the difference between him and the shower!”

“They…wait. Wh…what does…Conrad. What in the fuck could that possibly mean?!”

“It means—”

“D-d-did he fucking become a shower? Is that the scary part of this story?”

“No, asshole! His skin like—”

“Became porcelain tile?! I’m pretty sure I could tell the difference between a spongy-ass skeleton corpse and a shower!”

How were they not getting this?! This was the grossest story of the century! Why were they just looking at him like that, like he was some kind of loony rambling about the moon being hollow?! This was a serious tale from the crypt! A yuck-fest the likes of which no human had ever heard before! “You obtuse morons are missing the point!”

Fingers rubbing slow circles into his temples, Washington craned his head back until he was staring at the ceiling’s recessed lighting. “The point,” he repeated, “What would the point be, exactly? That through the alchemy of simple city tap water, a man in the house we found nothing—repeat: nothing—in was transmogrified into grout-proof ceramic?”

He was going to murder them. Both of them. Fuck strangling, he was just going to bash their heads together until they were nothing but pulp. “Don’t you do this,” he said, shaking his head with something like betrayal, “Don’t you dare pretend like this isn’t the sickest shit you’ve ever heard.”

“It’s not, though,” Wash said slowly.

“I-i-it doesn’t make sense,” Hartley agreed.

“How does it not make sense?! His body was eroded away until it was unrecognizable, and—”

“You can tell bones from a shower!”

He raised his hands, flexed his fingers, balled them into fists, flexed them again, dropped them to his sides with a groan that bordered on a scream. “He fucking disintegrated! The man became soup! Why don’t you get that?! The motherfucker became a goddamn stew!”

“Not possible. Absolutely not possible. I don’t claim to be a whiz at biology or anything, but—”

“Why is this an argument?” Hartley stood from his chair, shaking his head. “This is…this…fuck this! Fuck this and fuck you. Look.” He jerked his hand towards the back of the apartment, and the three of them filed through one of the bedrooms to make it to the bathroom. The shower curtain’s hooks screamed bloody murder when the curtain itself was flung open, making him recoil. “You look into that tub. And you explain to me. How a human being. Could be that.”

As he looked down into the basin of the tub, it did stand to be said that he realized perhaps he had worded his claims a little, well, loosely. Unfortunately for everyone involved, Conrad Bishop might’ve been a man who could recognize when he’d been wrong, but he was not a man who admitted when he’d been wrong. So he joined Hartley in front of the tub, pointing just as furiously. “He kicked it in the tub. The water kept running. His body plugged the drain, so it just collected, and the water beat at him until it—”

“The worst,” Wash interrupted, butting in between the two of them to also stare down into the tub, “That could’ve possibly happened…is that he fuckin’ filled the thing with little jelly-bits of himself that kinda coagulated or whatever, but I don’t think when the first responders got there that their initial thought was ‘Aw shit. Look at that. Man’s a shower now. Damnedest thing.’”

“They—”

“It’s not even scary, that’s the thing! Like, you get that, right? You get that it’s not scary? Are you trying to say that like, there’s some kind of gooey flesh-colored Jell-O ghost in that house? Th-that, what, we should’ve gone in there and shot something like ‘Mummy Man and Bathtub Soup Guy: The Sitcom?!’”

“He’s a desiccated raisin…and he’s human-flavored oatmeal,” Wash interrupted, speaking with a tv narrator’s projection and panache, “What hijinx will they get up to? Find out next week.”

“Really not sure I appreciate the tone, fuckwits.” …fuck! He was doing it again! He was letting their bullshit infect him. “Y’know, I don’t need to stand here and defend myself—”

“Uh, you kinda do. You came in here talking about—”

“I just need you guys to fucking agree that you’re still going to help me scare the pants off of Alex. That’s it. That’s all I need. I thought maybe you’d find my tale of bone broth man charming and delightful, but clearly I can see that I was wrong—”

“Clearly.”

Reaching into the deepest depths of his heart, he found it within himself to ignore that snide aside instead of yoinking Hartley’s glasses off his face and playing keepaway. “So? Are we still square? You’re gonna give him the works, right? The works.”

The two of them traded a look he wasn’t really the biggest fan of, but eventually Wash rolled his eyes and heaved a long-suffering sigh through his nose. “Yeah, sure. Fine. We’ll figure something out.”

The relief that washed over him was immense.

“After break.”

His eyes flew open from his impromptu moment of bliss, opening his mouth before the numbers added up.

After break?

After break.

Well that was…fuck. He still hadn’t gone through Julia’s Facebook to check their stupid anniversary date, but…he was still feeling spring. It was probably spring…right? Spring was, after all, the most romantic of seasons, what with the flowers and the sunshine and all the animals doing the deed to make a bunch of baby animals, so…after break was…probably okay.

“Suuure…” Conrad said slowly, stretching the word out until it had something like five or six syllables. “I…yeah, sure, after break. Cool. I have some ideas, by the way, in case you guys—”

“You insist on leeching off the wild popularity of my internet show,” Wash started up again, ignoring Harley’s low ‘Our internet show’ as he squeezed his gangly-ass body between the two of them to worm his way out of the bathroom, staying a few steps ahead even as they followed him into the living room. “You give me nothing to work with. You try to tell me about the finer points of decomposition. And then you have the audacity—the gall—to suggest that your ideas for scaring people are better than mine. I don’t know what they taught you in all those manners classes your mom made you take back in junior high, but I have half a mind to tell her she should look into getting a refund.”

From the floor, a new voice offered its two cents: “Oh, absolutely. She should definitely put in a formal request.”

“Okay, first off, wow, that was entirely uncalled for, but secondly, I sure don’t remember inviting you into this conversation.”

Ash wasn’t much in the way of a smirker, but she gave it her best shot. Kind of precious, really. “You guys have been literally screaming about dead guys in bathtubs this whole time. I’d be shocked if the neighbors didn’t start knocking on the door to give their opinions.” She pulled her knees up to her chest as she leaned back against the front of the couch, and for a horrendous moment he was positive she was about to launch into her own explanation of how human bodies decayed in water…but that wasn’t exactly what happened. Ash opened her mouth to say something (probably the aforementioned scientific explanation), simultaneously nudging Sam with her shoulder, and something must’ve felt off about the whole thing because her smile wavered as she turned towards her and away from him and the guys.

It was then that he realized Goldilocks wasn’t looking so hot. Last he’d actually paid attention to her, she’d been going through her notebook with a pencil tucked into the loose knot of hair at the back of her head and a highlighter in her hand, but now? Now she looked…to put it frankly, Sam looked like she was about to blow chunks all over Wash’s carpeting.

“Is she, uh…oookay?” Conrad asked under his breath, unsure whether he should be anticipating (another) stupid jumpscare.

“Uh…”

“Sam? Hellooo…Ground Control to major Sam?” Wash pushed past him and walked the few steps to the couch, crouching down to wave a hand in front of her face. “You feelin’ okay there, Sammy?” he asked when she seemed to shake herself out of it.

While he still wasn’t totally convinced this wasn’t about to be another dumb prank getting pulled at his expense, Conrad felt himself begin to frown. Ash might’ve acted sick back at the house, but Sam looked ill—like legitimately ill—sort of grey in the face and lips, and that shit was hard to fake.

A sympathetic puker by nature, he readied himself to make a beeline for the door, should it come to that.

“I…yeah, yeah, sorry…” Sam mumbled, sounding just as out of it as she looked. Without explaining what sort of stick she’d jammed up her ass, she started shoving her things into her bag, paying absolutely zero attention to what was going where. He could hear papers getting crumpled. Not a great sign. “I just, uh…I think I’m coming down with something.”

“Oh nooo! Really?”

“Yeah, it’s…I’m gonna, um, head out, I think?”

He didn’t say as much, but that sounded like an excellent idea. He’d seen that look on people’s faces before—that was the look that came after ‘I can absolutely handle one more shot, guys, seriously!’—not the sort of thing one wanted to see on their houseguest’s face.

“You want a ride?” Wash asked, ever the gentleman, reaching over to help her up before she waved him away.

Sam stood, wobbling unsteadily on her feet, and shook her head way too quickly for someone who was knock-knock-knocking on Good Lady Pukington’s front door. “Nope, I could use the air. It’s fine.”

Welp, this felt like as organic a time as any…Conrad checked his watch and made the all the requisite sounds of disappointment when he saw the time. “I should be heading out too.” Again he paused for effect, taking a moment to actually straighten his shirt out a bit as he added, “Got a hot date tonight.”

The other three were still obviously concerned with Sam…and yet it didn’t stop them from getting in one last jab apiece.

“Doubtful,” Ash said flatly.

“Sounds fake, but okay,” Hartley added.

“Aw, you didn’t tell me your mom was coming over!” Wash said, rounding out the three of them. There wasn’t, however, the usual smarmy grin accompanying the insult; nah, he was too busy watching Blondie stagger her way towards the door.

Well, whatever. Weirdness followed those freaks like a shadow in a well-lit room. All he knew was he had places to be, and those were places he’d prefer to go without any sort of vomit on his person, so he was gonna go while the getting was good. One last halfhearted wave to the CREEPs and he was off!

Unfortunately, it seemed Sam was heading the same way. He couldn’t just…overtake her in the hallway (he wasn’t a monster), but man, he didn’t need to be dealing with this on top of everything else he’d just had to endure back at Mystery Inc. “Hey, seriously, you sure you’re gonna be okay to get back to your place?” he asked as he caught up to her, slowing his stride so they were going at the same pace.

No answer.

Great. He watched as she shakily started down the stairs and goddamn his proper upbringing—he couldn’t just leave her to handle that alone! Moving at a speed that would’ve made a snail look like Speed Racer, he made his way down the stairs one riser at a time, watching Sam’s expressionless face from the corner of his eye. “If you want me to like, call someone or go get one of the idiots back there I ca—”

“Hey, so…weird question for you.” She said it so suddenly that he nearly banged his elbow into the railing in surprise.

Well, talking was a good sign, wasn’t it? Sure it was. “Lucky for you, weird questions are sort of my specialty! Right after mixing highballs and bullshitting essays. Hit me.”

He’d made it to the bottom of the stairs but she hadn’t. He turned to see her still standing there on the second to last step, her face grey and her arms hugged tightly around herself. …maybe talking wasn’t as good a sign as he’d hoped.

“Earlier, you said something…uh…this is gonna sound real dumb if it’s nothing, so I’m just gonna ask it anyway.” Sam heaved a sigh, and even that seemed to wobble. “You said something to Josh about wanting to scare your sister’s boyfriend?”

“Well yeah, just as a joke, though!” His grin took a decidedly defensive kind of edge as he backpedaled. How much of his motivation was he going to have to explain to her about this? If word got back to Wash, there was no telling what sort of bullshittery he’d have to deal with. “Alex is cool and all, just kind of super, super uptight, and God help me, sometimes it’s li—”

“No, I—no. Literally, I don’t care about that.”

“Oh!” He laughed…then paused, watching her warily again. “Wait, what?” He felt like he was missing a very important piece of this puzzle.

“When you guys were talking about that, you said he ‘knows what it’s like?’”

He continued to stare at her. When her words simply trailed off, his confusion only deepened. “Uh…okay? Did I?”

“Were you saying, like…he knows what it’s like to…I thought Josh was an only child?”

“I mean, he is…well, now, anyway.” It didn’t occur to him that maybe that was the sort of thing you didn’t say aloud to a person you didn’t know all that well until she grabbed his arm.

For how tiny she was, Sam had a hell of a grip. He could feel each of her fingers digging into his arm like she was Iron Man or some shit. Standing on that stair as she was, the two of them were almost of a height, so he had no choice but to look into her eyes, wide and scared and not totally there as she asked, “What does that mean? What do you mean ‘now?’ Like, like…like his parents have plans for more kids, or—”

He wasn’t sure why he didn’t pull away from her, considering she was absolutely acting like a crazy person (and a crazy person on the verge of hoarking up her lunch onto him, at that), but he didn’t. “Uh, I meant his si—” Conrad froze, his bafflement melting away into shock, then suspicion, then realization, then finally…fuck. Oh fuck. Oh fuck him sideways. “Oh holy shit, you don’t know about that, do you?”

Sam stared at him.

Well that was great.

“Fffffff—okay. Okay. I think maybe I should…stop…talking…”

“Conrad.” Sam’s voice had gone dry and cracked, making her sound exactly like a spooky ghost child from a bad horror movie. “I need you to tell me about his sisters.”

“Sam, I—wait.” Anxiously, he glanced over his shoulder towards the door of the apartment, turning back to her only once he was sure it was still closed. “How did you know I was gonna say sisters?” That was an awfully lucky guess she was about to make. Suspiciously lucky.

“Please.”

Oh this was fucked. This whole situation was fucked. This wasn’t something he should’ve been talking about—hell, when it had gotten brought up earlier, he’d just sort of made an ass out of himself until he and Wash had paraded themselves past it. But it didn’t look like Sam was going to be so easily swayed. Nope. Not even a little. “I probably shouldn’t…look, I’ve already…this is a real dick move, and—”

“Was it a car accident?”

It was his turn to stare blankly at her.

“Were they twins?”

Conrad did pull away from her then; slowly, yes, but deliberately. “So what’s the deal?” he asked, clearly trying to figure out what the fuck was happening, every inch as lost—as terrified—as she seemed. “Do you know the story or not? Make up your mind!”

A second, maybe two, and then Sam sprinted past him, the front doors to the apartment complex banging shut behind her as she all but flew out of the place. Then she was just gone, leaving him standing in front of the stairs like some sort of dipshit, his stomach tied up in knots and his mouth tasting like crushed-up aspirin.

He shot another nervous glance up the stairs, almost as though he expected the CREEPs to be standing at the top, shaking their heads judgmentally or…shit, throwing balled up garbage at him or something. Of course they weren’t—why would they be?—but he couldn’t shake the feeling that he’d just gone and done something he shouldn’t have.

Sam must’ve known something about Wash’s sisters…right? She sure seemed to know they’d been twins. And fuck, the thing about the car crash? Fucking spooky, that’s what that was! She had to have known. No question. It wasn’t like he’d just told her about them, he couldn’t have told her about them if she already knew, but…

Then why did he feel so absolutely godawful about the whole thing?

His phone buzzed in his pocket, causing him to jump about a mile into the air. The people walking by must’ve thought he was having some sort of fit, Jesus Christ…he grabbed his phone to check it, again expecting to see a flurry of furious, indignant messages (‘How could you?!’ ‘So not cool!’ ‘What gives you the fucking right?!’ ‘Who do you think you are?!’ ‘You’re such a douche!’). And again, there was nothing like that. Because…why would there be? The way Sam had run out of the place at full-tilt, he doubted squealing to the dorks was going to be her number one priority.

Fliss: You’re still coming, right?

He brought his other hand up to rake through his hair. Maybe Sam had the right idea after all. Maybe he just needed to take a good, long walk to calm the chaos going on in his chest and in his head. It was worth a shot, wasn’t it?

Conrad: Yeah, running a couple minutes late, my b! Conrad: Save me a seat, wouldya?

Without waiting for a reply, he pocketed his phone again and stepped out into the chilly air, hoping against hope that he hadn’t just really, really, really gone and fucked up.

He had a sinking suspicion, though, that he had.

[master-sass-blast]

Tricks, Tricks, Tricks!

I hate doing intros when I’m tired bc it feels like it takes forever.

Summary: You and Wade set up a haunted house for the kids at Xavier’s --and prank Scott Summers, of course.

Pairings: Piotr Rasputin x Reader.

Rating: G. Just ignore the swear words. Pls.

Set before “Questions and Answers” but after “THIS IS HALLOWEEN.”

Taglist: @marvel-is-perfection, @chromecutie, @super-darkcloudstudent, @girl-obsessed-with-things, @nebulous-leo

It’s not every day that you and Wade stumble onto a legitimately, objectively good idea.

Granted, you guys have tons of great ideas. The fallback of nearly all of them, however, is that they usually involve some sort of destruction and-slash-or generally deviant behavior.

Which, in yours and Wade’s opinions, makes the entire shebang that much more fun, but dealing with the “post brilliant idea clean-up” and the temporary social fallout among your peers –depending on who you target and piss off—isn’t quite as fun.

However.

It’s Halloween season. And the teachers at Xavier’s tend to do some sort of Halloween-y thing for the students there because a lot of places that host seasonal events –surprise, surprise—won’t admit mutants.

Plus, Piotr loves Halloween, which means the two of you have a “non-deviant” spokesperson to advocate for your plan.

And, the cherry on top of it all, is that Scott has been an absolute asshat as of late, meaning that he needs to get the shit pranked out of him to whack his massive ego back down to a more manageable size.

You and Wade grin at each other as you look up various “how to make a haunted house” tutorials. This is gonna be awesome.

 ***

 Convincing Piotr to back your idea is easy.

First, you convince him without Wade around. You’ve learned that Piotr doesn’t necessarily mind if you and Wade come up with ideas, but that Wade’s manner of “selling them” completely frustrates your darling boyfriend and puts him off even the most benign suggestions.

Second, you present the idea as something fun and seasonal for the students at Xavier’s; Piotr, essentially, is a massive mother hen that loves nothing more than making his “kids” happy, which means that he’s on board for just about anything that involves doing special stuff for the students.

Third, you’re his girlfriend and he thinks you’re cute, which means all you have to really do is bat your eyelashes at him and say please.

(And, granted, you’d had other tricks up your sleeve if he’d hesitated, but sometimes life just lets you knock one out of the park. It’s a great feeling.)

***

 With Piotr’s seal of approval, you wind up selling the idea to the rest of the X-Men with no problem –and, since Jean’s out of town visiting family, she’s not here to rat you out to Scott, either.

Granted, Xavier still could, but you’re starting to think he’s less of a “lawful good” and more of a “neutral” or “chaotic good” type than he lets on. There’s been plenty of times he could’ve sold you or Wade out on any of your pranks, but he usually keeps his mouth shut.

Ah, well. Best not to question the freebies life sends your way.

Better yet, you and Wade already have a list of ideas and necessary supplies, thanks to your “haunted house research binge” that you two did earlier. Granted, Piotr outright naysays half of the suggestions due to them being too expensive, too destructive to the building, or too gross –Wade—but all in all it’s a success.

Hell yeah.

 ***

 The official set up goes as such: on the designated “haunted house day,” you, Wade, and a few volunteers get to spend the morning and part of the afternoon setting up the haunted house in a sectioned off part of the mansion –except it’s for the elementary aged students, so it’s technically “Haunted House Lite,” but that’s fine. Then, at four in the afternoon, the elementary aged students will get to walk through, enjoy some G-rated spooks, and get little bags of candy at the end to enjoy.

Lovely. Wonderful. Wholesome.

And then the fun comes in.

Because, beknownst to Piotr only because he caught you and Wade conspiring with everyone else, you and Wade managed to get all the middle school and high school students in the room and fill them in on your idea to scare the everliving shit out of one Scott Summers.

And, because teenagers are basically little shits that run on caffeine and entropy, they’re all super down to watch Scott get pranked.

So, once the little students have had their seasonal fun and have been ushered off for dinner with everyone else, you and Wade and your volunteers have five paltry hours to beef up your haunted house with some higher grade spooks and also set up your prank for Scott.

Granted, it’s not a lot of time to work with, but the two of you have worked with less before.

 ***

 The prank itself, compared to yours and Wade’s usual fare, is… unremarkable, actually.

“Go figure,” Wade grumbles under his breath while he wrestles with one of the several smoke machines he’d purchased for the prank. “Captain Vanilla-Save-For-the-Pole-Up-His-Ass doesn’t watch horror movies. Leave it to a fucking jumpscare. Fucking stupid. He’s literally the single most boring person to exist!”

“Hey, at least it makes it easy for us,” you reason as you work on dying a bunch of cheesecloth with a massive mixing bowl of tea. “Why go through the extra effort for a dill-hole like him?”

“Fair enough. Hey, I think I got this working!” Wade tries turning on the smoke machine, then pulls a scowl when it makes an alarming grinding noise, turns it back off with a disgusted huff, and turns in his chair to shout down the hall. “Nathan! Get your ass in here and talk to your cousin! This fucking thing won’t work!”

You snort and shake your head.

(Nathan does, in fact, get the smoke machine to work, but only because he bothers to read the instructions first.

Wade calls bullshit anyway.)

 ***

 The day of is nothing short of busy.

The two of you –and your volunteers—set up shop in one of the unfinished wings meant to be proper classrooms. You’ve got the entryway, the flight of stairs going up to the second floor, the hallway, and a few of the rooms of the rooms to set up your little “house of horrors” in (along with the back stair case that leads back down to the main hallway on the first floor, but that’s only for an easy exit for everyone).

The main order of business is such: put up the most labor intensive props –curtains to black out the windows, a curtain to block off the first floor hallway from view, spiderwebs, anything hanging from the ceiling or the walls that isn’t going to be switched out—first so that the bulk of the work is done for the day, since you won’t have much time between the littler students and the older students (and, most importantly, Scott).

The smoke machines get put in next, along with any special lights –including some cool black lights you and Wade had gotten their hands on, which go next to a mirror at the end of the walkthrough so the students can see what their costumes look like under the effects of the lights.

After that is the rest of the props, which are all switch out stuff. The younger students get some relatively innocuous skeletons, some cartoonish looking zombies, a couple mummies, and a bunch of pumpkins, black cats, and otherwise tame Halloween fare. The older students get much gnarlier, gorier stuff, including a demonic clown statue that actually gives you the creeps.

You grin as Wade sings “Spooky Scary Skeletons” –the dubstep remix, no less—while the two of you fill up goody bags for the students. This is going to be great.

***

 Piotr stops by after lunch with a bag of costumes –yours and his—and some extra supplies Wade had asked for.

You kiss his cheek as he hands off the bag of decorations to Wade. “Hey, babe. Had a good day?”

He nods. “Students are very excited to go through haunted house. Especially younger ones.”

“Well, here’s hoping we can give them some good, old-fashioned, spooky fun,” you say with a grin. “Ready to get changed and transform into creatures of the night?”

He does a scarily perfect Dracula laugh and winks at you. “But of course, moya lyubov’.”

Your costumes –for today and also for this year’s Halloween—are Dracula and the bride of Dracula. Piotr made nearly all of it, save for his shirt and slacks (and your two’s shoes, obviously), and between the costumes, the makeup, and some fake fangs, the two of you actually look the part.

(And Piotr sounds the part, what with his Russian accent and all. It’s almost like he was born for the role of Dracula.)

The two of you get to set up in one of the rooms with two doors, which also boasts a cauldron with a smoke machine in it, a bunch of fake spiderwebs, a couple of fake coffins, and some skeletons hanging on the walls. You get dressed, do each other’s make up, and then Piotr helps you put on your fangs before doing his own.

“So, tell me how to do a good Russian accent,” you say, lisping slightly around your fangs. “I gotta match what you’re selling.”

“I think you do just fine,” Piotr replies as he puts a glob of denture cream into one of his fangs and sticks it to his upper canine tooth. “Just try to avoid cheesy mobster accent, and you will do great.”

“Are we gonna do the whole ‘I want to suck your blood’ thing?” you ask. “I think we probably should.”

“If you want to.”

“Okay. I’m gonna practice, you tell me how I sound.” You clear your throat, get into your mental zone, then let out an accented, ominous, “I want to suck your blood!”

Piotr chuckles as he tests the fang’s hold on his tooth. “Very nice, myshka.”

You preen, then practice a few more times at varying pitches and speeds. Then, once you’re certain Piotr’s adjusted to your fooling around, you lean in and murmur, “I want to suck your dick.”

Piotr sputters, cheeks flushing –even under the pale make up you’d put on him—and looks around for anyone that might’ve overheard you. Once he’s certain that no one heard you –especially Wade—he exhales and shakes his head. “Later.”

You giggle and kiss his cheek.

***

 Right at four, the elementary aged students are ushered into the haunted house.

You can hear them from the room where you and Piotr are set up, giggling and gasping as Ellie and Yukio –who had volunteered to walk the younger students through—escort them along.

“Alright, before we enter this room, we all need to practice our brave faces,” Yukio says outside the door furthest away from you and Piotr. “Because in this room are Dracula and his wife!”

There’s some gasps and “oohs” from the kids, along with a couple expected “Dracula isn’t real”s.

“Don’t get too close,” Ellie says warningly. “Or else they might try to suck your blood!”

You grin at Piotr as the kids gasp again –he grins back and winks at you—then put on your “game face” as Ellie opens the door so the kids can enter the room.

It’s hard to keep a straight face, though, in the presence of the elementary students. It’s easy to tell that they’re really enjoying the mini haunted house, what with how they’re bouncing and grinning, and that combined with their adorable costumes –skeletons, princesses, pirates, pumpkins, there’s even one of the kids dressed as Iron Man—makes the entire thing downright heart-melting.

The kids all gasp, giggle, and whisper amongst themselves as they approach you and Piotr, flocking together like a bunch of baby birds—

And then one of the kids in the back shouts, “That’s not Dracula! That’s Mr. Piotr!”

Ellie, Yukio, and you all snort, while Piotr just winks at the kid in question.

“What do we have here, my love?” you ask, slipping into your “vampire accent” as you make a show of looking over all the kids, which prompts another slew of gasps and giggles from them. “It seems someone has brought us a bunch of tiny treats to eat!”

Piotr “hmms” as he stands, looming over the students in his long, flowing black cloak. “So it does, moya Koroleva. I must say, I am feeling peckish. Perhaps we should have afternoon snack.”

“Oh no!” Yukio exclaims. “Do you guys think they should be able to do that?”

“No!” the group of students all shout at once (which, admittedly, is a little rough on the ears).

“Well, I think we can do whatever we want,” you retort, looking over at Piotr to make sure the two of you time everything properly. “And…”

“We want to suck your blood!” you and Piotr declare while simultaneously fake-lunging at the group of students.

The students shriek, then run out the other door at Ellie and Yukio’s encouragement.

You and Piotr “pursue” the students –which is less of an actual pursuit and more just angling yourselves in their direction—until the last of the kids “escape” into the hall, then stop and grin at each other.

“I think that went well,” you say –quietly, so as not to disrupt the students’ experience.

“I agree.” Piotr holds out his arm to you. “Shall we, moya Koroleva?”

You giggle and place your hand on his arm. “Absolutely, my love.”

The two of you head out the door at the far end of the room –the door the students had originally entered in—and into the hall. Fortunately, there are a couple curtains blocking the rest of the hall from view, meaning that there’s no risk of anyone seeing the two of you sneaking through the hallway and down the stairs to the main floor.

Piotr ducks into one of the storage closets by the staircase and pulls out a box with various goody-bags stashed in it. “These looks very nice, moya lyubov’.”

“Thank you. I tried to make sure everyone got one of everything –oh, wait a second.” You reach into the closet and pull out a bag you’d stashed separately from everyone else’s. “This one’s Timothy’s. I wanted to make sure it didn’t get mixed up and he get peanuts by accident.”

“Good thinking.” Piotr sets the main box of treats on a nearby table, then turns back to you and kisses the top of your head. “How are you feeling, dorogoy?”

“I’m feeling good; I’m really looking forward to the big prank tonight!” The corner of your mouth turns up when he makes a “hmmm” of disapproval. “I take it you’re not a fan?”

“I just… I am concerned about how you and Wade target Scott,” Piotr says diplomatically. “The two of you seem to ignore everyone else.”

“Well, there’s not really a need to prank everyone else,” you reason. “And it’s not like we prank Scott all the time, either.”

“I would just worry about team dynamics.”

“He already fucks that up by being an asshole, honey,” you argue, careful to keep your voice down so the kids don’t hear you swearing. “Scott’s a total dick! He’s objectively horrible to Wade; he’s also a jerk to Russell. Like, massively.”

Piotr sighs. “I… I do not think pranking helps the situation.”

“Look, sometimes when people refuse to listen to polite conversation, you have to smack them around a little to keep them from letting their asshole behavior ooze all over everyone.” You grin. “Wade and I are just the smacking team.”

Piotr glances towards the door where the back staircase opens onto the main floor; there’s sounds of little voices and footsteps, meaning the kids are almost done. “Just… be considerate. That is all I ask.”

“Already done, baby,” you reassure him. “It’s a super basic jumpscare prank. Nothing about him, nothing about being a mutant, all Halloween themed. I made sure Wade didn’t get too crazy or destructive this time around.”

Piotr relaxes a little at that and kisses your temple—

And then the door opens, and the group of students rush into the main hallway.

“I told you it was them!” one of the students shouts, prompting everyone else to laugh.

“It was,” you admit, foregoing the vampire accent. “Did you guys like the haunted house?”

“Yeah!” the group choruses at once.

You and Piotr both grin, then work on handing out bags of candy to the students –and make sure that Timothy gets his special bag, no allergy episodes today, no sir—

And it’s good. Life is good.

 ***

 Once the younger students exit for dinner, everything switches to a mad scramble to flip the space for the second walkthrough.

Granted, it doesn’t sound like much, until you realize that it involves taking down basically all the props and putting new ones in.

It’s sweaty work, and by the time you’re done you have to reapply all your vampire make-up –because you and Piotr are still doing the vampire bit. And then—

And then.

Once the older teams exit the “vampire room,” you’ll sneak out the “entry” door and down the hall, then hover over the door everyone exits out into the main floor hall at the end of the walkthrough, and when they do, you’ll drop down next to Scott and scare the everliving shit out of him.

Simple. Stress-free. Borderline stupid.

It’s gonna be great.

 ***

 The second walkthrough is just as much of a success as the first one. The older students aren’t as giggly or excitable as the younger group, but it’s still easy to tell they’re enjoying the haunted house –at least, if the occasional screams and comments about “how cool” everything looks is anything to go by.

Better yet is that Scott is jumping and gasping at, like, everything. He’s so easily scared that you won’t even have to try when you drop down next to him. He’s so easily scared that the prank almost isn’t fun.

Keyword being: almost.

You and Piotr do your vampire schtick again –which, unlike what you did for the elementary students, this round involves the two of you lunging out of dark corners and acting, objectively, much scarier—and when the older teens and Scott run out, you grin, give Piotr a kiss, then dart out the other door.

It takes basically zero time to get positioned over the door everyone exits out of. You tuck yourself up into the corner where the walls and ceiling meet, then resign yourself to being bored while the older students finish their haunted house walkthrough.

Scott, predictably, is the first one out of the door. He looks annoyed by the entire situation, and is trying to brush fake cobwebs off his shirt.

Perfect.

You wait until there are a couple of students in the hall as well –you can’t have the prank go unwitnessed—then count down from five before dropping down next to Scott while screaming “Trick or treat!” at the top of your lungs.

He jumps five feet into the air and shrieks like a teenage girl in a horror movie, and the students laugh.

Mission: accomplished.

[tessatechaitea]

Justice Society of America #8

Oh no! Hate! It must be stopped!

That caption sounded sarcastic, didn't it? It sort of sounds like a centrist arguing against somebody saying something that nobody should be on the other side of. "Of course Black Lives Matter! Nobody is saying they don't! Why even bother bringing it up?! You're just causing trouble!" is the kind of thing that has made me hate people who identify as "non-political" or "centrist" or "libertarian" or "Proud Husband. Father. Christian." Nobody needs to hear from you if the only thing you have to say is that nobody needs to be fighting for the things they need to be fighting for! "If it's already a crime, why do we need more stringent laws for punishing crimes motivated by hate. Aren't all criminal acts hateful?" says the person ignoring reality for their own selfish interests of which I can't even begin to guess. Enough about people who have chosen to be non-people. Let's discuss a comic book from 1993 that probably takes a stronger stance against fascism than a frightening large number of Americans today.

This advert on the inside front cover would be better if the picture over "very rare" was a cow. I mean, it wouldn't work for baseball cards but I would like it better.

I think the best part about actually living in a world where superheroes are real is that day in 5th Grade when Hawkman and Hawkwoman visit your class to talk about Egyptian archaeology. The issue begins by catching up with Hawkman and Hawkwoman as they continue their quest to steal Egyptian cultural artifacts. You have to give them a pass on this though! In 1993, people just believed archaeology was a thrilling way to bring treasures into museums for everybody to share! It's not like we had hundreds of years to reflect on how terrible this practice was. You have to do some cultural math by subtracting the number of years Western culture believed whatever it did was right and just from, I don't, negative 100? Do you think we'll have learned some humbleness and respect in one hundred years? Most kids who grew up in the 70s wanted to be boring ass truck drivers but by the 80s, thanks to Indiana Jones, they wanted to be boring ass archaeologists. Kids aren't the greatest at determining what a fun adult job might be. Did you know there are people who get angry at the supposition that digging up and taking cultural artifacts and treasures from other countries to bring back to your own might be theft? Generally they're the same type of people who believe that all advances to civilization were brought about by white culture. They hold this opinion through absolutely no evidence at all. How do I know they don't have any evidence? Because if they looked for evidence, they'd wind up reading history and realize their claim was too ludicrous to continue defending.

You might think Hawkgirl is commenting on the gigantic sarcophagus the native archaeologists are opening but I know she's making an innuendo about Hawkman's cock because she's doing that thing with her hat where she lifts it up and down and waggles her eyebrows.

It's not really much of a joke though because nobody expects Hawkman's penis to be as large as a fifty foot long sarcophagus. I mean, I'm sure it's big but it's not going to be unwieldy! It's probably almost exactly the same size and shape as his mace. Interlude: here are some Facebook posts I made on several different July 26thes because I guess I think of it as a holiday to entertain my future self every July 26th? Whatever the case, I love Past Me more than Future Me and possibly even more than Present Me. Because of the Hays Code, Alfred Fatcock had to change his name to keep making films. How patriotic would you consider a person who got a flag pregnant? War Games is my favorite movie because it taught me that trying is pointless. The first item on my bucket list is to buy a bucket. End of Interlude. Can you tell I'm stalling because maybe eight issues of this comic book was too much? Here's an adult riddle: What's twenty-five feet long, wrapped in bandages, and has an eye in the middle of its head?

This guy's penis!

I don't recognize the guy with three eyes but I'm sure he's some immortal wizard named Amn Thoth or something. While the Carters discover ancient mummy curses, Johnny Quick tries to convince Rex that his hour of strength doesn't come from a drug at all but deep inside him. He doesn't need to pop pills to be a superhero; he just needs to balance his chakras and figure out his mantra. Then he'll tap into some deep spiritual part of himself that is probably just a meta(l)gene and whammo! Hourman is back and straight edge! But Rex doesn't buy it. Especially since learning his mantra isn't going to cure his son's cancer (which he got from taking Miraclo). Also in the hospital is Wesley Dodd who is doing therapy to recover from his stroke. Plus his friend Bishop Tumutuu who was some guy who fought against Apartheid. And because the Bishop is in the hospital, the white supremacists are gathering outside to not wish him well.

Shouldn't they hear what they have to say and debate them to better strengthen their own side of the argument on why all people should have equal opportunity with all rights and freedoms promised by this country?

I'm absolutely for freedom of all speech. But the problem that the American media and a lot of people on the Internet have fallen into is the idea that all speech needs to be discussed and debated equally. That's the whole "freedom of speech" trap. Whenever somebody on Twitter wants to debate some terrible topic that nearly all kind and forward thinking people realize is a monstrous and terrible idea and you simply mock them for their terrible beliefs or tell them to shut up, they think you're clamping down on their free speech. No, sir. You were able to say the stupid thing you wanted to say. What you actually want is for a Constitutional Amendment that forces me tor respect what you said and debate it as if the matter has yet to be resolved. The media does this all the time by allowing both sides of an opinion to debate which only legitimizes the side with the terrible take. Sure, we should allow racists to go on CNN and declare their stance on race relations. But the people on the other side shouldn't be debating that topic with them. They should just laugh at them and point and tell them how terrible they are. Maybe get some of that slime from You Can't Do That on Television for rebuttals. Freedom of speech needs way more mockery and far less debate if it's going to recover. Hourman responds to the white supremacists with a "None of my business!" because he's a terrible centrist who believes that if the status quo isn't making his life rough, why rock the boat? Also his son is dying of cancer so maybe he's a bit distracted. I shouldn't be so hard on him when he's wracked with the guilt of probably killing his son with his drugs. The white supremacists begin making trouble so it's time for the JSA to put an end to hate! Or will hate win out? I mean, this comic book was written in 1993 and I don't feel like hate has backed down.

Sure, he's against metahumans now. But just wait until one of them decides to wear on of those stupid hats and silly robes!

Watching the speedsters begin to get pummeled by the huge mass of white supremacists, Hourman accidentally balances his chakras! He's suddenly powerful without the drugs or the black lights or the Doctor Fate deep muscle massages! Now if he can convince his son that the power of Miraclo has been inside him all along, his son will have the strength to battle the cancer! Why did I use an exclamation point on that previous sentence when I don't really fucking care about Rex Tyler and his son! Hourman crashes out of the hospital window to save Johnny Quick. He lets Jesse do her own thing because he's heard about women's lib and also she's not an old man whose powers have significantly dwindled over time.

My adrenal gland just got bigger too!

In the end, the Bishop is saved and even Wesley Dodd joins the fight! Or he just absentmindedly shot off his sandman gun and coincidentally put the Bishop's assassin to sleep. It's hard to tell since he's still suffering from his retirement party stroke. The issue ends with Green Lantern surfing the television when he comes upon Carter Hall's interview program where he's interviewing the mummy they dug up, a man named Edmund Kulak. Since Green Lantern recognizes him, I guess he's one of the JSA's foes. According to the Who's Who, Kulak can use his third eye to cause everybody on Earth to hate each other. I guess that's why the white supremacists were acting up (and also wearing eyes on their hats and robes). Having a magical reason for racism is always a better comic book story than acknowledging a lot of people are racist of their own free will. Imagine all the angry letters that the pre-Comicsgate generation would have had to write in! "I'm not racist but I don't think you should portray all white people as racist because that is racist! Logic for the win!" That might seem like I created a 1993 Strawman but have you read the letters reacting to the Tales of the Teen Titans Spotlight on Starfire about Apartheid? My pretend letter was practically verbatim of one or two of the letters Mike Gold had to respond to on that series! Justice Society of America #8 Rating: B-. I think I've read enough old stories about old people fighting immortals. The whole mortality angle is really bringing me down!

[slytherin-puffskein]

The King’s Secret Side

Modified version of an rp I wrote with @thecursedvaultchild

Summary: Smith, Slytherin’s old Chaser, is back and ready to get his spot back now occupied by Summer Charn.

- - -

Today was Quidditch practise day, and even though the next official match was months away, that in no way prevented Lau from being his bossy captain self. When it came to Quidditch, the kind, generous boy would entirely vanish to introduce instead a completely different person: one who strived to win, and nothing else.

Sure, his teammates' health was his main priority, but he would never miss the opportunity to correct someone about their posture or their playing method... not that any complained about that. Laurent was good, and no one doubted why Snape had chosen him as the captain. It was as if he was made for being a leader, and the team absolutely loved him. Comradeship was at it's best ever since Smith had been forced to leave the team due to his sprained ankle. His replacement, Summer Charn, would cast a ray of sunshine over the shadow Smith has been happily spreading out, and with that darkness now gone, everything was heaven-like... a heaven which included her snogging their Keeper, but oh well. 

"C'mon, Avery! You almost missed that Quaffle! Miller, stop swinging your bat so hard, you're going to dislocate your own damn shoulder!" Lau called out to his players, attempting to keep some order in the pitch.

The silver-haired Chaser whipped by the Keeper's goal, chuckling as she snatched up the Quaffle from Avery's hands and did a barrel roll around the demanding captain. Flying is fun! Though she'd be hard pressed to admit it, Summer had been thoroughly enjoying the past few months, playing Quidditch with the team. Her flying skills had improved as well as her dexterity. And she was just happier overall. Avery was definitely a plus. "Calm down, Lau. We've been practicing for hours. You're killing us." Movement on the ground caught her eye and her face darkened. "We've got company coming."

"The harder we practise, the better we get! Come on, no slacking, especially for you, Williams!" The other beater let out a dramatical gasp, and suddenly Lau noticed that Summer's smile had vanished... and he quickly understood why as he registered his friend’s last sentence. We've got company coming. 

That only meant one thing... and as Lau dared to look down, he saw what he has been fearing: Jeremy Smith, fully healed and ready to claim back his spot as a lousy Chaser. Swiftly, Lau landed right next to the younger man, dismounting his broom and forcing a smile to appear on his lips. Do not let him know you crashed into him on purpose. "Hello, Smith. I see that you don't need crutches anymore."

The fourth year puffed up his chest and tried to be as tall as possible so he and the sixth year were at eye level. Not that it really worked but it was important that he tried. It's time to reclaim what's mine and I won't take no for an answer. "Yeah, no thanks to you, Captain. I was lucky Pomfrey was able to heal me after months of work." He cracked a grin. "But I'm good now. Ready to take my spot back on the team and lead us to victory. Thanks for keeping my spot warm for me like a summer day, Charn." He looked over King's shoulder to wink at the hovering girl. Hot and I'm totally gonna get her. After I get her out of my spot, of course. Not like she doesn't prefer watching anyway.

Just as Lau feared: Smith was back, and ready to take back his spot. Upon hearing the boy’s words, he had to hold back from grimacing and did his best to focus, even though right now his dearest wish was to get away from him. He opened his mouth to gently turn him down, but then the wink came. Not a teasing wink like the ones Avery would make, but a gross, disgusting one, that basically showed one thing: he was considering Summer as some sort of trophy to claim for himself, and nothing else.

Straight men, some of them are truly terrible. Laurent raised an eyebrow, staring as the young boy attempted to make himself look intimidating. However, he was more similar to an angry baby kneazle... although less cute. Way less. "You sure you can come back, Smith? After all, maybe you're rusty from months of not training... you know the saying, ‘Slytherins only take the best of the best’, and Summer largely improved her technique. Sometimes, Avery isn't even able to catch the Quaffle..." 

And never has Smith been able to score during training sessions, not even once. Summer's face was flushed pink with embarrassment and discomfort. This twerp thought he could just waltz right in and take what she had worked so hard on, dismiss her out of hand while flirting with her. Smith took her face as a blush and sure sign she liked him. He stood up straighter. "Avery could never catch the Quaffle when I played. Besides that's my spot. I made it onto the team, Charn didn't. She's just a backup and would rather watch, isn't that right?" He didn't wait for a response. "Besides, she's only on the team at all because she's your friend, King, and is snogging your stupid Keeper. She gets around and that's how she took my place. I'm the one with talent, now give me my spot back!"

Lau couldn't help but take a step, towering over the feeble player and folding his arms against his chest, displaying his muscles which were much more developed than Smith's. Attempting to intimidate him, maybe ? If you knew Lau enough, you could easily tell that it was the case. He titled his head, sightly, and raised an eyebrow. 

"I didn't let Summer in for the sake of it, Smith. I tested her, and then saw she had potential. She decided to work on it and to become the player she is today. I only was her helper, I told her she could step off whenever she wanted... and she didn't" Soon enough, he was leaning towards the fourth-year, smiling. "And as much as I recall," he whispered into his ear. "you cried during the first training session because of how hard it was. Summer never shed a tear no matter how many pushups I told her to make."

The smaller boy couldn't help the step he took back. But his face contorted into a cruel snarl. That was it. "I don't know what Snape sees in you. You're talentless and a fag. I don't what kind of Muggle thought it'd be funny call themselves 'Kings' but you sure aren't good enough to be with us who were born into magic. Avery is a slacker who's barely not thickheaded enough to fall off his twig he calls a broom. Charn is a whore who wheedles her way into whatever she wants. She's got you tied around her pinky finger." Jeremy pushed up onto his tiptoes to get face to face with him. "And at least I don't cry over my dead Muggle mother."

Following Smith’s hateful words, the Quidditch pitch fell into silence, and even Avery who usually always comes up with scathing comments in situations like these had no idea of what to say. All gazes were fixed on the Captain and the old Chaser, breaths held back as everyone was waiting for Laurent's answer.

The Captain was being oddly silent, his face expressionless, and for a short moment Avery thought he might just walk away and try to gather himself in the lockers. However, he was gravely mistaken as a glimmer had now passed through Laurent's eyes. Not a sparkle, not a glint. A glimmer. Small, wavering... but preluding to something much bigger. While Laurent was supposed to scream, to cry, to run away, he smiled. A small smile, which revealed dimples. "I'm not sure I heard you quite well, Smith" He took a step forward. "Would you mind..." Leaning down to face him, reminding him of just how short, how weak he is. "Saying it again?"

Summer wanted to say something. But nothing came out. Her hand went for Ave's and she squeezed it for dear life. He... Smith had just said all of that. It was unbelievable. Even Snape would have snapped at that talk. The tension was palpable. Summer could only watch, eyes wide. The smile on Lau's face was... terrifying. For once, she had no idea what he was going to do.

Jeremy shoved him back. "You heard me." He pointed at Avery. "Dumb." He pointed at Charn. "Whore." And he pressed his finger into King's chest. "Talentless fag who still has nightmares about mummy dying."

As soon as Smith's finger pressed against his chest, Laurent immediately grabbed his wrist. Squeezing it. Crushing it. No matter how small and gentle Lau seemed, he remained the Captain of the Quidditch team, and he earned that spot for reasons, including relentless training. Forcefully, he pushed Smith's arm down, tightening his grip around his wrist as he stared down at him. 

"I'm wounded, Smith. I thought you liked your team and acted like a total ass to hide it, but it turns out that it isn't the case. I'm heartbroken, truly" He brought his other hand to his chest, sticking out his bottom lip and pretending to look truly devastated... but soon enough, he reverted back to his hard, cold stare. "I'm going to give you one, I repeat one, chance to take your things and get the fuck away. If you do, no one will know that you acted like a pissy crybaby because you couldn't get your spot back. I can be kind and not spread informations, sometimes"

The kid gasped in pain, weakly struggling against the powerful grip of the Seeker. Summer let go of Avery and sped towards the ground. She jumped off, running over and grabbed Lau's shoulder, panic rising in her eyes. "Lau. Lau, listen to me. This ball of Doxy droppings isn't worth it. Lau, you could be expelled. He's learned his lesson. Just let him go and forget him and we can just go back to Quidditch practice." Her voice was somewhat desperate and uncertain but pleading. "Shove off, you whore! Always interfering where you don't belong. You can't try and put me in detention, you slutty prefect!" Blue-green eyes widen and she stumbles back a little, letting go of Lau.

Whore. Slutty prefect. Smith could insult Laurent as often as he damn liked, King would always let it slide. But hearing him insult his friends? Insult Summer? That was clearly the final straw. Now, there wasn't a glimmer in his eyes anymore. Nor a sparkle or a glint. 

There was an entire storm. Soon enough, his upper lip pulled itself back into a snarl, and... he closed his eyes. No, no, calm down. Remember what Mom said. 'You often lose your tempter, Laulau. Take deep breaths and calm down'. Take deep breaths and calm down. Take your broom and shove it down his throat. Make him suffer and cry. His eyes snapped open, and he smiled again. Giggled, even. "Can't say I didn't give you a chance" And with that, he punched him on the face, feeling his nose crush under his knuckles. Crack

"GAH!" The spindly little kid landed flat on his back. Tears flooded down his cheeks as he sobbed in pain. There was blood everywhere. It gushed out of his broken nose and covered the ground. His wrinkled white shirt was stained with it. If Summer hadn't actually witnessed Lau punching Smith's face, she would have sworn that a curse like Sectumsempra had just been cast. But it hadn't. It was just the power of Lau's bare fist making contact with Smith's face.

He just did that. For me. Cold eyes coupled with a heartless giggle and smile... Ruthless. Utterly ruthless. A chill ran down her spine. For the first time, Summer truly understood what the Sorting Hat had seen and why it had placed him in Slytherin. She pitied those who crossed him.

Almost. 

"YOU FAG! I'M GOING TO GO TO THE HEADMASTER HIMSELF! I'M GOING TO GET MY SPOT BACK FROM STUPID CHARN!" The threat was pathetic considering it came from a child covered in his own tears and blood.

Laurent, however, barely reacted to Smith's words. Instead, he only stepped closer, crouching down and looking at what he just did. Not a hint of remorse was present in his eyes. His smile had vanished, however, only for his face to display a truly bored expression... as if he didn't have anything to do anymore, and that he was utterly disappointed by that. Gently, he threaded his fingers through Smith's hair, caressing them as if he were a friend. 

"And how will that look, hm ? 'Headmaster, I tried claiming back my Quidditch spot by calling my Captain a fag and calling the new Chaser a whore. Surprisingly enough, they both got angry at me'. Do you really think Dumbledore will be by your side ? I doubt it, Smith. And I told you, you just refused to listen: we, Slytherins, take the best of the best... and the best do not drag other people down to push themselves up. So remember that before you turn up to Dumbledore's office, because you might get dearly disappointed..."

He pulled his wand out of his boot, and tapped Smith's nose. "Episkey, happy now ? Now get up and get the fuck out before I get angry"

Smith spat out blood on the ground and just ran for the castle. He glanced behind him and tripped over his own robes. But just kept running. The whole team was staring in shock. Laurent Dorian King, one of the nicest and sweetest people to walk the planet, just did that. Some of them shifted their feet uneasily. Avery coughed a little. Charn's gaze quickly lost their shock and were narrowed carefully. Her eyes didn't leave him. Watching like a cat reassessing whether to attack or live another day. "Thanks, King." Her voice was quiet but heavy, carrying underlying meaning to it.

Laurent wasn't answering, however. Clenching his fists, then unclenching them, and clenching them again, he was trying to register what he just did. It happened naturally, without a second thought, and--

'All Slytherins are evil !' someone had once claimed during Transfiguration class. Lau had swore himself that he would never be like those assholes. He swore that he would be kind and generous... and now, this bullshit just happened. These few minutes during which he was the opposite of who he generally was. He felt sick. He felt disgusting... and as he turned to look at Summer, she could see the true terror in his eyes, spreading and spreading through his whole body and freezing him. 

"Ah-I... f-finish up the training. I have... stuff" And before anyone could say something, Lau had vanished, tears welling up in his eyes.

Avery snapped out and whirled around, bossing the other players. "C'mon! You heard the captain! Couple more rounds and then we'll hit the showers. Move it, move it! Get back on your broom, Miller!" He nodded at Summer, gesturing for her to go after Lau. She didn't need to be told twice. Snagging up his fallen broom, she hurried after the blur in the distance he was. 

She finally caught up to him in the locker room, standing there with his fists clenched, back to her. His shoulders were shaking. Carefully, she set his broom against a wall and made her way over to him, slipping an arm around his shoulders and gently rubbing them. And she said nothing. She would stay there as long as he needed.

He had wanted to spend some time alone, but... as he recognized the sound of Summer's footsteps, he couldn't bring himself to tell her to go away. He would have scolded Avery. He would have scolded anyone else in the goddamn team... but not Sum. Never Sum. He wouldn't handle chasing her away, no matter how bad the situation was.

Without a word, he let her get closer to him. Physically, obviously, but also psychologically. It was known that Laurent hated being seen while crying, and he had always managed to never be caught when shedding tears... and yet, there he was, opening crying right next to Summer with not even an ounce of shame. Dried blood decorated his knuckles, as well as his Quidditch gloves. A terrible sight, truly, at least to Lau. Because no matter how mean Smith was, he remained a child. A fourth year child. 

"I'm disgusting" he whispered.

Legilimens. She had gotten pretty good at casting the spell non-verbally. His mind was... stormy. Hard to read. Just glimpses and her own guesses. But it all pointed to one thing: he hates himself. "No. You're not. Smith is a prat who can't keep his mouth shut or his ego down. He had it coming." Her words were soft, warm. Like a light breeze floating off a lake through a summer's day. Gently, she pried the bloodied gloves off his fingers, setting them aside. Remembering the handkerchief she had tucked into her pocket, she pulled out and started cleaning off the blood. Casting Scourgify would've been faster but... he needed her. Not her magic. She could do that. Just be there. Be his friend. "You gave him a chance and he spat on it. He deserved it."

Deserved it? Did he truly deserve getting punched and threatened? How was that making Lau better than him, really? Could he really consider himself as a good and just Captain after pulling this sort of stunt? No, no way. I'm gonna resign, let Avery become the new Captain, and he'll find a new Seeker. End of the story. He truly considers that option for a short moment, feeling the coldness of his tears against his cheeks. I'm gonna quit. No one deserves a Captain like me. 

He squeezed his eyes shut, attempting to control his breathing as well as his emotions... without much success, quite frankly. This is pointless. Staring as Summer kept cleaning his hands, he sighed softly. "Why do you even bother...?" he whispered. "I saw how you were looking at me. You were afraid" He was too.

She shrugs. Her calmness was almost... scary, in a way. She was relaxed and chill about what had just happened. Shouldn't she be more tense? But she just kept wiping the blood off. "Just never seen your ruthless side before. Good to know it's there. Wouldn't want to be the poor soul crossing into it. But it hardly changes who you are." Her hand gently lifted his chin up so his eyes met hers. "You... You've seen what I've done. What I'm capable of. Dark magic and the like. But you still let me stick around. Why?" Summer's tone made it clear she already knew the answer; she just wanted to hear him say it. For whatever reason, that seemed important for this conversation to go forward.

You still let me stick around. Why? Of course she knew the answer, that was obvious for Lau... but the it naturally slipped from his lips anyway. He couldn't just say nothing. "Because I love you" 

Yes, he loved her. A different kind of love, of course, Summer was well aware of it. A love that pushed him to want to do anything in his power for her. To see her smile, to see her laugh, to see her being only happy and carefree, with nothing plaguing her. No Vaults in sight, no prats calling her a whore, just her being free and joyous. Seeing Summer like this, that was his biggest wish.

A smile parted her lips. "Exactly. That's why I 'bother' with you. You can't get rid of me very easily, King. I'm like a leech." She winked and snickered, leaning back on her hands. Instead of making a big deal about what just occurred, the girl seemed unconcerned. Like he had just fumbled catching the Snitch. Not like he had just punched a fourth year in the face.

"If you want to get all philosophical, we are all capable of good and bad. Now my definition of what's good and bad is looser than what others probably use. But the general principle still applies. We choose what we do. Your purpose outweighs the action. You were trying to end his bullying and protect us all. If you hadn't done something, who knows what he could've done next? I'm sure he knows lots of nasty curses that he'd be awful at casting and that wouldn’t have been good in the slightest. Lot more damage. And you stopped it. Controlled the situation. I'd call that a job well done." All of this came out like it was nothing, as if she was telling him about the cool bird she saw the other day. Not discussing deep morals and consequences of people's actions.

And at this very moment, Lau wondered who Summer Charn really was. Was she really that unfazed by Lau punching a younger kid in the face? Was she really that unaffected? It very seemed like so, and... it made Laurent somewhat confused. He had been raised under the rule that punches were bad, and now there was Charn, telling him that it was fine depending on the purpose. However, he found truth in her words: our purposes do direct our actions. He acknowledged that Summer's grey thinking was much more efficient than the usual black and white one. Slowly, his hand placed itself on hers, squeezing softly. "Thank you, Sum..."

"Don't mention it, Lau." She squeezed back, fingers interlocking with his. People all the time saw that and thought they were dating. But no. There was more to it. They were friends. Who loved each other deeply. They got each other. This boy with his strawberry hair and many freckles and sparkling eyes. The delighted sound he'd make holding a flower or cute creature. His nose wrinkling in disgust of Transfiguration. She'd kill for him. Wasn't sure if she'd ever said it before, but she would. Without hesitation. "Hey. You'd know I'd kill for you, right? Can't live in a world where those who hurt my favorite strawberry child go unpunished." Her eyes glimmered with amusement and there was a faint smirk pressing her lips. It was hard to tell if she was being serious or not. Very hard.

A smile was now etched to Laurent’s face, and he even gathered the strength to giggle. "Shall I call you my knight in shining armour, then? I'll have you and Barnaby to defend me. How perfect" But even though he was joking now, his eyes said everything as they delved deep into Summer's: I, too, would kill for you. He is aware of her uncle and his meddling with the Death Eaters. If she ever has problems with them, Lau will be happy to dispose of them... by whatever means necessary.

There he is. She had learned something new about him. He could be absolutely ruthless. But it was good to know the Puffskein was still there. She made a little face, sticking her tongue out. "Knight? Despite what Sir Cadogan thinks, I'm a witch through and through. Weird hair, dark robes, black cat companion, spend my days brewing potions and meddling with Dark magic. Witchy witch." Getting to her feet, she hauled him up to. "C'mon. You need a shower. Badly. And then how about we head back the common room and..." She sighed. "I go cat and let you pet me?"

Immediately, Lau's eyes regained their usual sparkle, and he nodded excitedly while removing his shirt. "Yes! Yes, a thousand times! You know how I love placing ribbons in your lovely fur" And with that, he can't help himself but pull her into a huge, much needed hug. His skin was still gross and sweaty from all the training, but it remained one of the best hugs Lau had ever given. As he pulled away, he smiled, patting her shoulder. "Go join Avery, now. A man needs to shower in peace~"

"Ick! Now you got your sweat all over me!" But she doesn't break the hug, enjoying it. Until he pulls away. Then she starts trying to get it off. Unsuccessfully. "Just don't weigh me down so much that I can't walk. See ya." Shaking her head, she left the lockers and went to look for Avery.

[klutzdeluxe]

My Second Ritual - Omaha 11/6/2018

Okay. Finally, my second ritual. So it was over a month ago at this point, and I cannot believe I never put up my notes about it! It was amazeballs. Just as good as my first one in Kansas City! I met up with some super cool fans from a Facebook group beforehand and we got some supper. Some of us were VIP/photo op, so after we ate, we waited in line together. They helped me keep my sanity because I was absolutely FREAKING OUT about meeting the Cardinal. Thanks, guys! I’ve never met any sort of celebrity before. EVER.

~The moment I stepped through that curtain, I was a goner. I briefly made eye contact, felt my soul leave my body, and couldn’t look him in the face again. I shook his hand and he said, “Oh that’s quite the tight grip you’ve got!” or something along those lines. My brain short-circuits and I think I’m hurting him or some shit. I yelp, “I’m sorry!” and practically drop his hand. He wraps an arm around me and helps guide me to the photo spot because all I can do is mumble about never having done a photo op before and look at my feet. He holds me and we take the photo. I get my wits together enough to tell him, “Take care of yourself on the road!” and the Cardinal says he will and thanks me. I was so starstruck that I forgot to give my name, ask for a hug, or tell him basically anything I wanted to, so I was upset about it for a few days.

~In the end, the picture turned out decent, which is rare because I’m unphotogenic af. Plus I wrote him a card (with a cat on the front) with everything I wanted to say in it and was able to get it to another fan to give to him at their photo op. In that, I had some closure.

~We chatted with a few security guards before the show, and they really didn’t know anything about Ghost but seemed eager to learn about them. Later on, I saw the same guards bobbing their heads during the performance and taking a million pictures on their phones. It was great to see.

~To the ritual! I was third row in the orchestra pit, to my left, in which the seating was a bunch of folding chairs that would definitely not be staying in place. BOOM. Ended up right in Aether’s line of view this time. Eye contact immediately when the curtain went up during “Ashes.” Persisted throughout the whole night.

~For the record, if you’re toward the front during any show, it’s really not that hard to snag the attention of the band members. Especially if you’re a jumpy, bouncy bitch who sings along to everything like me. I was at it with my hands up the entire way through. INSTANTLY this was different than the Kansas City show. They sounded so fresh and ALIVE. You could tell they had the day off before.

~Periodically throughout the show, Aether would be jumping in time with my bunny-hopping, looking at me. It made me so freaking happy. What a goof!

~The Cardinal was annoyed about it being a Tuesday, so he made us pretend it was a Friday night instead.

~I think I got to hear him say, “For shits and giggles” at one point. I’ve never felt so blessed.

~I was one of the few belting out “Lord of silence/Desolated one/Vengeance is his” during the bridge of “Idolatrine.” Copia stared at me, gestured at me, and conducted my screechy singing.

~Waving my hands around, conducting the ghouls while they played “Devil Church” and getting various head tilts and “wtf” stares from them.

~At this point, I had been interacting with Aether from my spot quite a bit, so I cheered him on as loudly as I could during the pre-Cirice duel with Dewdrop. This time, he lost on trying to pick out A-ha’s “Take on Me.” For some stupid ass reason, my brain couldn’t figure out what the song was until I saw a video of it the next day.

~THE LITTLE GIRL GETTING CIRICED. I DIED. IT WAS SO PRECIOUS. We were all clapping so loudly for her. Also props to her for having the coolest dad in the world. I believe she did the photo op too.

~As “Cirice” ended, Aether pointed at me and attempted to throw me a guitar pick. He whiffed it, as it ended up in the hands of a man in front and to the right of me instead. Now, I missed his pick in Kansas City due to a similar circumstance, so I kind of just shrugged and pouted at him, and Aether shakes his head and throws his hands up in an apologetic gesture. I’m a bit sour about missing yet ANOTHER pick from him.

~Conducting the ghouls again during “Miasma” and just absolutely losing myself dancing to it, as you do. Aether was watching me dance. At this point, the chairs have really been moved around, in and out of the rows.

~Copia telling us to clap on the 2 and 4 of “Jigolo Har Megiddo.” The dude next to me sassed him saying, “So, 1 and 3?” very loudly. Copia stopped short and said, “NO! No, that’s stupid!”

~Copia conducting us during the vocalizing at the end of “Pro Memoria.” There’s nothing like it. It’s one of my favorite bits. Cue my screechy singing again in order to be loud.

~Dew didn’t come over to our side of the stage much but he did at some point and gave me a head tilt. I doubt he remembered me from KC. I’m kind of plain-looking.

~Swiss noticed me and started copying my dance moves during “Witch Image.” Just different ways of swaying and small hops.

~So it’s “Life Eternal” again and I’m crying. No meaningful interactions with the ghouls this time, BUT I got the smug satisfaction of seeing Dewdrop NOT interact with anyone during the song like he did with me in Kansas City. I’m horrible, sorryyyy. Chatted with some wonderful people around me during intermission.

~”Spirit” and “From the Pinnacle to the Pit” go by, and I’m getting real antsy about not still having a pick from Aether. I noticed that there is a wide open space (due to chairs being shifted and people not coming back from intermission) right in front of the stage, directly in front of Aether. “Majesty” starts up and I see that a few people have already jumped rows. I debated for a bit, looked security (who weren’t giving a rat’s ass), and climbed over seats to the open spot at the front. All of us in the VIP section paid the same price to be there, after all. Aether cocked his head at me, seeming surprised to see that I moved, and then just nodded.

~OMAHA, I’M SO PROUD OF YOU. We sang that chorus loud and proud during “Satan Prayer.” Copia was SO satisfied with us! Also his cape didn’t fasten properly so it was undone for most of the song; I nearly imploded. Also, several pairs of panties and maybe a bra were tossed onstage during this song. Copia picked up one pair and cracked a joke about, “Someone in the audience standing there bare-assed.” The other undergarments sat up there sadly, to be carried off by an unfortunate stage crewman when the song ended.

~Have I mentioned that ”Faith” is such a jam? I threw my neck out again. During the live performances, the Cardinal adds a growl during the intro that I can feel in my ass. Also Copia acts like he’s waving away a fart behind him during the “A fecal trail across the land” line. I died because it looked like he was sneaking away from cropdusting someone.

~Poor Dewdrop was so sick. During “He Is,” (I think), I saw him lift his mask a little and wipe his dripping snot on his sleeve. He went about it in a “Ewwww” kind of way.

~At the end of that one, Aether ONCE MORE points at me and tosses me a pick. It hits my fingers and falls to the floor. I drop to my knees IMMEDIATELY and scramble to find it. I do fairly quickly, stand up, and kiss it, elatedly holding it above my head in victory. Aether pumps his fist in the air when he sees me waving it around. I tuck it into my bra because “Mummy Dust” is about to start and we’re going fucking crazy. Sadly, very few bills were dropped. I did have Copia thrusting like five feet from my face though. I am eternally grateful for that experience.

~After Aether was introduced during the break in “If You Have Ghosts,” I blew him a kiss, and he caught it and clapped his hand to the side of his face, acting all bashful and cute about it. HE’S SUCH A SWEETHEART.

~For some reason, I was thinking that this was the last song, despite having been to the KC ritual. So when they played “Dance Macabre,” I was thrilled there was still more to the show and boogied around like the idiot I am. That song makes me so happy. Again, Swiss starts imitating my dance movements, adding a little more shimmying around this time. All right. Boi’s got my attention now.

~I’m trying to get good photos of Swiss now, but Aether is pouting and keeps photobombing them whenever I point my phone in that direction, pointing at himself to redirect my focus back to him. I stuck my tongue out at him. Brat.

~Have I ever said how much I love “Square Hammer” live? FUCK. THE ENERGY. Due to it being the “last song,” I blow a kiss to Swiss when it’s all over and get one from him in return. I have perished and am very distracted for the rest of the evening.

~Copia changing his mind about pretending it’s a Friday and telling us, “It’s Tuesday. Go home!” And we boo.

~During his speech before “Monstrance Clock,” he again takes note of the little girl he sang to during Cirice and asks her how her evening was. He also substituted the word “organism” for “orgasm,” for her. Such a soft father.

~I am fully watching Swiss now and his “Monstrance Clock” hips now and GODDAMN HIM. He put me in heat with those moves, I swear. I was instantly a hot mess. I was transfixed and soooo mad that I hadn’t paid more attention to him sooner.

~There was a cute lil’ stuffed dragon sitting at the front of the stage during the song. I’m not sure if it got picked up or not.

~That moment when the lights come on at the end of “Monstrance Clock” and the stage is completely empty as the song fades out is the most HORRIBLE feeling. Because it’s over and the absence of the band members is so profound. “Monstrance Clock” still occasionally makes me sad.

~A few of us waited outside by the buses for the band to come out. IT WAS FREEZING OUT. I hate the Midwest. We didn’t see Tobias (I think they snuck him out the back to their hotel across the street) BUT we did see both Ghoulettes (THEY’RE SO BEAUTIFUL. QUEENS!) and Dewdrop (Per) walk out, along with another member I wasn’t too familiar with at the time, so that was pretty rad.

I know my summaries might come off as a little self-indulgent, but it’s how it happened in my mind. Plus everyone else’s are too. And honestly, my rituals are something I want to remember. Major kudos to the Omaha crowd. Best crowd I’ve seen at a show in a while.