#watch the fuck out I'm feeling myself
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OH my god we just watched Dr.Who "Human Nature" and "Family of Blood"
#doctor who#WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!#I feel like I just watched five movies in just the last 20 minutes#Paul Cornell I'm in your walls#He also wrote Father's Day yeah that checks out#this episode really made sure everyone suffered as much as possible in every conceivable way including myself#god I loved it so much in a traumatizing sort of way#that hurted#David Tennant acted his ass off and I love him for it#will I ever recover#personal#DW report#nips blogs
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-Self-Portrait Against Red Wallpaper (War of the Foxes), Richard Siken-
#You'll never guess what I started reading today#(Spoiler Alert: it's Eileen because Ottessa Moshfegh has grabbed me by the throat and I need to prepare myself for the movie)#(I can't wait to watch it)#jokes aside this^ was inspired by a fucking skim read#I'm afraid to see what other VP feels this man will bring out of me with his breathtaking poetry#once I properly read his second collection#In the meantime take this#hospital scene my beloved#vegaspete#richard siken#gifset
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Chef greg delivery just for you. it's a wonder I hadn't bearified him yet, he's my fave greg too 🔪
gays literally only want one thing (to be chopped up and eaten by a depressed man) and it's fucking disgusting
#kabukeo#something to bear in mind#other's art#limbus company#project moon#lcb gregor#r.b. sous chef gregor#namesake#i'm sorry for doing a haha funny joke reply i just like#i spent like ten minutes pacing around my house when i saw this in my inbox i'm not exaggerating#thank you for my life i love him so bad#do i need a gift art tag now i just like. i don't even know what to say#i haven't even made any actual proper posts yet i just made a silly blog i feel like i haven't done anything to earn this#to stop myself from blubbering i'm just going to respond to the tags on your rb#no problem for providing details again i think about this grown ass fucking man too god damn much but it's not a problem.#problems are only problems if you call them a problem. it's not a problem.#thank you for seeing the vision on rhino geg.#since kjh refuses to release him that just means that we can continue to acknowledge this as true and canon and there's nothing he can do#[ignore that he has a cameo in a card in game no he doesn't]#to me rosespanner is like. very much the type of guy that when you're crushing on him you try to talk to him#and then you get him to start talking about stuff he's interested in#and then before long you end up agreeing to watch something you don't care for in the slightest#solely for the purpose of having something in common to talk with him about#meanwhile he doesn't pick up on you trying to flirt with him like at all#anyway i could go on about how badly i need hex nail gregor for both bear reasons and thematic Actual reasons#but i'm pretty sure i'm about to hit the tag limit. so i'll just say thank you again for the cannibal i will treasure him forever and alway#it took me like thirty minutes to type this all out after i sat down to actually do it because i kept getting embarrassed lmao#offerings to beargregor#< gift art tag#that's it. thank you for my life once again. keep fighting the good fight soldier. we'll get this to be common fanon one day. trust.
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Man. Genuinely if kai did not have some very specific character details i would NOT be so attached to him. Homie doesn't like coffee but pseudo-drinks it anyway due to addiction and to market it to others. Willing to shill out for money. Genuinely fucking cracked at e-marketing AND does it authentically. Implied to possibly have an eating disorder. Pink with his roots showing. Knows how to make a frappuccino. He was made for me
#i fear i may be outing myself with some of these but. these are my thoughts.#also shout out to the 99.9% of my followers who have no idea who the fuck I'm talking about#kai monteago#ed tw#eating disorder mention#project: eden's garden#p:eg#like i feel. kai is getting the woobified twink treatment in the fandom#esp since kaimon seems to be the dominating ship#and i LOOOOOVE kaimon but#fear in my heart that this will become flower husbands 2#...watch nobody who knows who kai is know who the flower husbands are lol. overlap those fandoms at your own peril
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i promise you won't even know im there
#this is all i could do with stupid fucking davinci resolve#it's something#i “re-watched” a couple of s1 episodes and it was nice#it was kinda funny cuz avatrice just hug in the church in the midst of battle they're so gay and stupid#not satisfied with some of these clips but oh my god beatrice holds ava's face so much#oh that's sickening i will be putting that into the dytik universe#couldn't get this song out of my head#to answer your ask no i'm not killing myself#i'm not doing anything drastic#i'm just trying to get past tomorrow#the song's come around by lisa curtis or something it's not out yet which is (SIDEEYE) a tragedy#tho to be honest this part might be the only good part and then the rest of the song is just mid#more common than you'd think unforchies#idk how to feel about this ask all i know is i don't feel good about it
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I am exhausted, good heavens.
#hey watch this neat trick I can do [cries]#love that for me#BUT#BUT- the actual EFFORT I put these days to not make a suicide jokes is *chefs kiss* phenomenal#actively shitting bricks as I physically have to stop myself from saying I want a car to hit me for the 50th time that day#I am not progressing any more than I am downgressing or whatever the opposite word is. but girlies#and boysies and peepsies#my lipgloss is popping and my eyebags are gucci- and so I shall prevail#MAN this tiredness is BONE DEEP man- it's like it's engraved into my goddamn clavicles#sorry that was like the only bone name I could remember- I don't even know what a clavicle is#anyways- I need to fall asleep forever and never wake up. But not in like a dying way#I just need to stop waking up tired and being tired and going to sleep tired and living tired like GIRL#WTF AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WHEN SLEEP STOPS SLEEPING#I JUST SLEPT 10 HOURS HOW ARE YOU STILL TIRED#I am so tired that i stopped liking shit- like that SUCKS my dudes#I sometimes Don't Like art now and that is WILD to me because that was lowkey the One Thing that got me going#I used to actually LIKE english class! and reading Shakespear and shit!!!! and history class!! Now I don't!! Where did the spark go??????#Now everything feels like a chooooooore and it sucks major dick#and my graaaades are slipping because I stopped giving a damn but I NEED. TO. GIVE. A. DAMN#because those are like highkey lowkey and every-other-key my grades and I need them to go into uni so I don't die <333#I need to spite little mini me who said I wasn't going to live past 13 because BITCH- guess how old I'm turning next week????????#THAT'S RIGHT- 17 YEARS OLD- FUCK YEAH BABY I'M STILL NOT DEAD#SUCK MY BIG ASS SHLONG MINI-ME#and then I have a big biology exam the day after so- funnnnn!!#anywho- should I tag this as vent? this probably counts as vent right? like among us? impostor and shit?#sorry I think my brain is actively rotting out of my ears right now#vent post#personal vent#tw vent#tw sui talk
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I have officially hit a "too stressed to write" state of affairs that I suspect will last until this Sunday. Kinda hoping folks aren't too disappointed in the sudden change in regular update schedule - sorry. :(
#personal#if anyone ever asks me to be in a wedding party again I'm just going to tell them to get the fuck out of my house at gunpoint#normally I wouldn't feel bad about taking a writing break but I don't like leaving chapters hanging orz#but we're at “creative juices dead and also having stress nightmares” which funnily enough are my two major flags#for “hey bellamy! you are stressed!” for when I gaslight myself into forgetting that I am indeed capable of being stressed#at least my stress is on a schedule sigh#at least this particular aspect of it which is tipping things over into “too much”#dear diary#you know what i DO have spoons for however??#binge watching the handmaid's tale#boy does THAT put some perspective on how nice my life is lmaooooo
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sorry i am Strugglin over here i think i blew all my positive brain chemicals beating myself against the bars of Normal Human Communication this week lmao
#i swear to god the longer i'm out of the cult it's like#watching myself get crazier every year and further from being able to connect with people who didn't get told they were a prophet as a kid#i'm kinda thinking of quitting con appearances altogether lately#i'm so fucking tired and paying money to spend weekends watching people get confused about why i#feel the need to do this#or what i am doing full stop#is kind of veering into self harm lol#i can handle low sales i can't deal with this much in-person disconnection hf
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unfortunately the world is too fucking messed up so I am currently unable to give a shit about how messed up everything is because it's all too big and if I get upset about any of it my entire ability to be a person will come crashing in
normal service will resume as soon as possible
#red said#this is not a choice I'm making. to be clear.#it's just that after everything that's happened in the last year or so i am currently incapable of having a feeling beyond 'oh.'#just a kind of blank stare of 'this is certainly information i am recieving'#so I'm giving myself permission. to be numb to the horrors of the world for a short while.#because being mad at myself for not caring enough doesn't seem to be doing much to help and it's sapping me more#so i figure. i just accept that right now i cannot summon any strong reactions to things however much they deserve them#and hopefully a short time of that will help me rekindle my will to fight cause right now frankly I'm getting nowhere#I've still been trying to show up and do what i can but it feels so overwhelmingly pointless i think I'm actively undercutting myself#like I'm actively extending the period in which I can't fully commit myself to any cause or action#i can't even get angry any more and this shit deserves so much anger#but I've been angry for so long i think I've lost track of how to hold it as a live thing#I'm angry about 15 years of social murder in my own country. I'm angry about the ongoing violence against Palestine. I'm angry about Congo.#I'm angry about the death penalty in the US and I'm angry about the ongoing quiet genocide of First Nations people in Canada#and I'm angry about climate change I'm angry that people are burning and freezing around the world. I'm angry and I'm fucking scared#but none of that's GOING anywhere and none of it seems to be worth shit and at some point it just gets ossified#it's not like. a driving force at the moment. it's not propelling me it's not doing anything it's just a constant scab yk#i need. to feel like my anger has any kind of worth or does any kind of good. and that's not there it's just so built up.#i need too flush it out and start with it fresh and keen#cause at this stage yeah I'm just too tired by it to feel it intensely. it's just background noise.#i see the thing about Trump bringing back the federal death penalty or i watch my government debate how best to attack migrants#and I'm just like. 'oh. that's bad. that is a bad thing that's happening.' and i feel nothing#because at this point I'm so used to be information causing anger and fear and hopelessness that it doesn't like. register as a feeling.#this isn't happening about everything. i can still feel things on an interpersonal level. but that like. systems anger.#it's not landing cause i am so struggling emotionally to feel like i can do a single thing with it#like not just stuff happening Over There but here too. people i live being attacked out neglected by structural forces.#I'm succumbing to the 'oh. that's bad.' bc honestly i just have run out of road in being angry#i don't think it's permanent i think I'm just exhausted
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post exam clarity is hitting me like a truck I feel sick
#why did I. do any of that#I'm never gonna be free now am I#it's okay. im gonna forgive myself and move on.#what's the worst that could happen. I've been the butt of the joke my whole life ive been bullied my whole life#last year of school by every fucking gut ganging up on me in the class#i can deal with whatever comes of this#god...#it's fine. fuck it we ball#this isn't enough to faze me. just another embarrassing story for the roster#it all feels like a fever dream omg i legit can't even remember it it feels like i was watching all that happen to someone else#I'm on break now. finished a year of college. fresh start#vagueposting the shit out of tumblr dot com
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this is such a tiny stupid petty dumb sticking point but why do people act like hot-water baths are ludicrously unrealistic in a DnD setting no matter what the setting or context actually is
one time in melliwyk's campaign we were staying in a luxury inn in a dwarven stronghold partially populated by warforged and built inside a volcano and each room had its own private bath with running water on tap and when I/ melliwyk was like 'hot water? 👀' the DM gave me a scathingly incredulous 'no??' like that was the world's dumbest question
what do you mean NO. they've figured out PRESSURIZED INDOOR PLUMBING but not GETTING THE WATER HOT????
#I'M the asshole????#I have to build a fire under my bathtub like a cartoon witch is going to make soup out of me if I want a hot bath??????#there are so so so many things that ARE unique to the modern world and a post-industrial society that just get glossed as 'normal'#and it's fine! to be clear! sure yeah of course you can Buy Clothes at The Clothes Store and that's normal and not a big deal#we're playing by ren faire rules here it's a lot of aesthetics and vibes and that's fine#but if I invoke something actually historical-- not even WEIRD or INCONGRUOUS (I THOUGHT??)-- it's a coinflip whether I get pushback#like WELLLL OKAY IF YOU'RE GOING TO FIGHT ME ABOUT HOT SHOWERS I'M GONNA TALK ABOUT ANCIENT SOCIETIES THAT HAD THEM#'GETTING WATER HOT' IS A PRETTY FUNDAMENTAL TECHNOLOGY DO YOU REALLY WANNA OPEN THE DOOR TO HISTORICAL QUIBBLING#BECAUSE WE CAN TALK ABOUT THE OFF-THE-RACK NONMAGICAL ARMOR AND WHERE THE HELL YOU THINK THAT CAME FROM#IF YOU WANNA PLAY THAT GAME#it's so weird and arbitrary what Feels to people like it has to be Too Modern to exist in a Ye Olde fantasy setting and what doesn't#I've gotten pushback on pocket watches before pointing out that that's straight up a thing that exists in base 5e#(Juniper said something to the sorcerer about them and someone was like 'hmmmmmm' and I had to remind him that the sorcerer owns one)#don't fucking 'mmmmmm I don't knooooow if that's realistiiiiic' ME sir that's her trinket off the trinket table in the PHB.#and accurate mechanical clocks are a LOT more modern and more challenging in real life history than getting WATER HOT.#ANYWAY. rabbitholing wikipedia because I had the thought 'maybe gnomes do sauna. what's up with saunas' three hours ago#and then found myself on a History of Public Bathing timeline and made myself mad looking at all the hot water throughout history lmao#about me
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i can't start my morning with yet another cheeky cry come on now
#life#me @ my brain: be so for real right now#i just have so many thoughts and they all cross each other and make this intricate web of misery#and i feel so... ass#i'm tired of being mentally ill i'm tired of being a fucking weirdo#i'm tired of feeling like i don't belong or don't fit in#i'm tired of watching people have a good time from the sidelines like some creep#i keep circling back to the thought#that maybe if i was diagnosed earlier in my life.. i would've been better#that i would've had tools to deal with everything that i would've known it's not some personal moral failing#i wouldn't have blamed myself for everything all the time#i wouldn't have tortured myself wondering what was i doing wrong why people didn’t like me#and even with that my mind's all “well maybe your mother was protecting you!”#because maybe she didn't want someone to slap a label that would define me for the rest of my life#that would be the first thing people would know before they even had the chance to know me#and i feel so damn conflicted#but it hurts it hurts not every day but on days like this#it hurts somewhere deep in my heart and i can't shake it#i just have to wait it out fam#therapy is literally in a week i'm uh 🤠🔫
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Curate my blog?
Listen, I won't curate FUCK, like ma'am, this is a Tumblr. If I can't spam my latest obsession then what's even the point
#I tag it tho#cause I'm nice like that#and also so I can go back and relive and revel in my obsession.#wednesday posts#hazbin hotel#That's my current obsession#specially#radioapple#Like I watched 3 Disney movies in a row today to try and disengage and feel other feelings#But now I'm back on the bandwagon again#OBSESSING#and like#I need someone to talk to#Cause I'm fucking dying over here#These two bitches are literally dragging me to hell#Like I'ma have to go to work tomorrow#And physically restrain myself from talking about this shit#cause I dont need my coworkers to find out I'm even weirder than they thought#Like fuck me dude
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I kinda really hate how I've been treated throughout my life
#Entire life of abuse and neglect and mistreatment only to always be told none of it happened. To the point where I really struggle with#thinking that I made it all up or that I'm overreacting or faking or playing the victim constantly#I honestly try my best to move forward and I want to be happy. I see absolutely zero point in wallowing. Others can if they wish‚ but I wan#to enjoy my life at some point. I think I've gotten better the past year- In great part of my dearly beloved- but it's still so#deeply difficult. Interactions so commonly feel like a trap and there is the perpetual sense of being watched and monitored#I often feel like a prey animal that is cornered and my only options are to take it in fear and die or to lash out and hurt the other party#I think I'm not as mean as others in this system though LMFAO. I'm not like Roxas who once compared a friend of ours to our parents during#an argument.#<- Not to say Roxas is a bad person. He's a severely hurt and traumatized kid who kinda only knows how to lash out to protect himself#Sighs. It's complicated. I do not wish to be someone angry like Roxas or Lexi. But they actually talk back and stand up for themselves. And#the system as a whole. Whereas I fawn and take it and then wonder why I always want to kill myself 24/7#I don't really know how to speak up for myself because it really feels like every single time I do (Or just voice an opinion confidently in#a group) it goes horribly wrong and people get upset and angry with me#And then people being angry at me causes major fucking spirals because it reminds me of my mother and then I start feeling like I'm going t#be fucking berated and have a metal crate thrown at me again 😭😭😭 Or get kicked out of the car or given the silent treatment etc etc etc#Which is a me problem I need to get over my fear of people being mad at me because it's an inevitable fact of life but. Hashtag severely#traumatized and still actively being traumatized by multiple parties#And also being in my own head and existing is very fucking harmful! Being in a mind that is so aggressive and destructive... It's difficult#to just 'get over' my issues‚ you know? So whenever they come up I try to just isolate so I don't cause any issues#<- Unless it's my histrionic stuff acting up. Then I'm complaining like hell because it feels actually fucking painful to not be receiving#attention during those breakdowns#Anyways! I kinda fucking suck and hate myself right now and want to kms. But that's how I am 24/7 so whatever#tw suicide#⛪️
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Appreciation post for 'girly girl' characters and/or shows that celebrate traditionally feminine things that girls and women are shamed for.
Characters on this list that love makeup, fashion, hair, etc. Characters that are still written as strong, intelligent, brave, etc. That told young girls that these interests are valid, they are not lesser interests. Being feminine and liking traditionally feminine things does not make them weak.
#I'm so glad I got to grow up with these girls#I was originally gonna make a post of Barbie Daphne and Stella and be like. They remind me so much of each other#And how much I love characters like them#Because I do#But then I was like fuck it let's just make a post for all the girly girls because they're so good#So here we are. In a world of misogyny. We still have them. And I am so greatful#I'm sad I missed out on celebrating my femininity and stuff like this in my teen years because of just. Stuff I was going through#But I'm glad I'm doing it now. I've been getting into makeup for the past year. Mostly eye it's so fun#The Barbie movie. Dressing up for it. Being proud makeup and skirts and dressing up like I did as a girl. God it was so wonderful#I've not felt this connected to this part of myself in years. It has helped to much#It reminded me of my love for Barbie. The movies. The fairies and mairmaids. The bright colours and fashions#And my love for all of these shows. The outfits and designs I fell in love with. The friendships and sisterhoods in all of them.#Yes it's just Rarity. I know some of the others girls also fit. But some don't as much so I didn't wanna just put a group one#And I know Kim and some others aren't as girly as others. But she's still a good example.#Her and Monique's shopping trip and other stuff is engraved into my mind. I actually think about them a lot I love them#Daphne was also a masisve awakening for me. I had such a crush on her. And the Hex Girls.#If you're wondering why other shows aren't on here. Like Trollz or Powerpuff Girls or something. It's msotly based on what I watched#And I didn't really watch them I'm sorry but feel free to add more.#We're ignoring how I mispelled mermaids. I'm not going back to change that tag.#Anyway I love women basically. We're awesome.#Barbie#Scooby Doo#Bratz#Monster High#Kim Possible#My Little Pony#Winx#Mew Mew Power
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God, "I missed you" sex is the best
#eep.txt#as soon as we were alone he kissed me hard and just couldn't get close enough#we went to his room and he immediately attacked my neck i don't think i've ever had so many hickeys at once#he kept grinding for so long against me on his lap 😵💫 i was very desperate for more but he just wanted so feel my skin against his#he was sososo cute with his messy hair and the way he kept saying i love you!#i could see myself in the mirror in front of his bed i didn't think i was this fucked out lmao#maybe the first time i moaned this loud and talked this much too#usually i have to keep quiet even though it's hard cuz there's other people but it was so nice having him aaalll to myself#when he finally put his fingers in it felt like heaven i'd been so long#and same he just kept going so deep and so fast my god he said he liked hearing me again#i had to stop him cause i was getting really overstimulated but it was so good#i'm pretty sure it's the first time i've actually like moaned his name without meaning to do it#apparently i didn't realise i was babbling and scratching his back so hard#god i love being a power bottom and calling him cute or my sweet boy and getting him desperate but...#when he goes feral like that after not seeing me for a while? it's the best. i'm so lucky to have such a service top#so happy to be with him again#after we cuddled and we showered and we cooked and then watched videos and then talked and laughed#i'm so happy right now to even see him sleeping next to me :]#sorry i meant to do a sexy post but i guess this is more positive venting i'll make a proper one later#still new to this writing thing i'm probably very bad at it but it's nice to have a place to write down my memories and experiences
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