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megamindsecretlair · 1 month ago

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Make Me Weak, Part 1

Pairing: Sex Therapist!Terry Richmond x Sub!Black!Fem!/ Plus Size reader

Warnings: 18+, Minors DNI, You are in charge of your own reading experience. Intentional use of AAVE. Cursing, mentions of depression, anxiety, and description of sex acts and sexual issues. Power imbalance, Shy!reader. Dark!Terry. Dom!Terry, AU Terry, all consensual. Sorry if I missed some. I'm not a therapist and while I do not make light of therapy, this is purely for my own fun. Please seek real medical attention when necessary.

Summary: Desperately at your absolute limit, you decide to see one last therapist to try and help with your condition. After one session, Dr. Richmond manages to put you at ease, giving you enough tools to start you on your journey. As the exploration continues, your true hope is that you don’t get burned.

Word Count: 4,648k

AO3 Link | Part 2

A/N: Don't judge me for this chile. I saw that beautiful man in a black turtleneck with glasses and lost my marbles. I had TOO much fun writing this and you will not hurt my feelings if you don't want to read this one. However, I must tag to keep my taglist updated. Forgive me, my loves. Toss a coin to your blogger by leaving a comment, gif, or unhinged ask.

You

He came highly recommended. That was the only reason you were here. You’d stared at his pictures and read all of the available posts recommending him but you couldn’t get over the fact that he was so damn pretty. And intimidating.

But after going through nine different therapists, most who ended up as creeps or couldn’t help you, you were at your wit’s end. It was already embarrassing enough starting over with a brand new therapist, but this had to take the cake.

The hallway was quiet, with muted browns and reds. Supposedly academic, soothing colors. As if the darker the color, the less likely you were to think about anything sexual. You stared at the imposing brown door with his name embossed on a placard. Dr. Terry Richmond.

You bit your lip and stared at the slip in your hand with the referral scrawled across it. He took on special cases. Pathetic cases.

“Fuck this,” you said to yourself. You turned on your heel and stepped down the hallway. The door opened and the man himself looked down the hallway.

“Are you my two o’clock?” He asked. His deep baritone was unexpected. Soothing. Calming. Unnerving.

“Uh,” you sighed.

He continued to stare so you continued to stare back. He wore an all black outfit, right down to his black tennis shoes. He wore a long sleeved black T-shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his forearms. Black, form fitting pants that only highlighted how tall he was. He had to be 6’1. Hell, possibly 6’3.

He cleared his throat, looking for an answer. Light refracted off of his frames, temporarily hiding his eyes. You gripped the straps of your purse and squared your shoulders. “Yes,” you said.

Dr. Richmond nodded his head and waved you inside. You walked behind him, feeling like you were walking to your doom. Inside his office, it was just as drab as outside.

Bookshelves lined the walls, stuffed with medical texts and non-fictional books on powerful Black figures through history. The office was small, but clean, with a golden brown sofa pushed against a solid wall of taupe. He had a painting above the sofa, showing a serene ocean view with a boat out on the water.

Natural light filtered into the room from a window showcasing the cityscape outside. His office was high up in the building, letting you look down on all the people living their normal lives.

The door closed behind you and you jumped, whipping around to see Dr. Richmond leaning away from the door. He raised his hands. “I’m sorry, would you like it to remain open?” He asked.

You shook your head. Closed was preferable. You watched Dr. Richmond take his seat behind a massive desk, everything in a neat stack and in its proper place. He rolled forward and then opened a black folder, picking up a pen.

“Please, have a seat. Tell me about yourself,” he said.

“My thick ass file didn’t give me away? Sorry, I shouldn’t say ass. Sorry,” you said and winced after cussing so much. You pointed to a thick file on his desk and you knew without a doubt that it was yours.

It was crazy how you had a full record of your insanity, detailing how you started down this deep, dark path. Cataloged every doctor, every note, every nasty thought in your mind. Okay, you were being a little dramatic, but this was just so…embarrassing. And it didn’t help to have someone who looked like that hearing what you had to say.

“There’s no rules here. You want to say ass, go for it,” he said and shrugged.

You giggled, feeling more at ease. You nodded and took a seat on the sofa. There was a clear coffee table in front of it that held a zen garden complete with little trees, shiny rocks, and…were those Lego figures? You looked from it to him and he smirked, drawing your attention to his full, lush lips.

“Some people find it easier to occupy their hands during discussions. You can give it a try if you want,” he said.

You sat back on the sofa. Maybe later. You felt too awkward as is. Like you were some alien visitor testing out your disguise on the human population. You rubbed your sweaty palms on your leggings and shook your head. “What, uh, did my file say about me?”

Dr. Richmond shrugged and leaned back in his seat, fixing his thin gold glasses on his face. “Those are words and opinions from other doctors. I’d rather hear what you have to say,” he said and leaned back in his seat.

He was so…disarming in a way that allowed you to release the ironclad control you held on to. You picked at your nails and focused on that, rather than his stormy eyes. “I think I’m broken. And I’m not entirely sure why I’m even entertaining this,” you said.

“Why are you then?” He prompted.

You shrugged your shoulders. “Tired of feeling like a freak,” you said.

“A freak? Why would you use that term?” He asked.

You snuck a glance at him. He no longer held the pen. He rested his hands against his stomach, clasped, and just looked at you. Even that was different from all your other therapists combined.

“Because that’s what it feels like. Like I’m in a freak show. I–,” you stopped and licked your lips. But you were here now. May as well rip the bandaid off. “I can’t cum! And I know, it’s normal. I know plenty of people experience it. I know that women especially have a hard time doing it. But no matter what I fuckin’ try, I just can’t. I feel it coming, I know it’s coming, but then it sort of…goes away? And then I’m sitting there embarrassed that I can’t and when I’m with a partner, they pretend that it’s cool, but then I never hear from them again.”

You clicked your teeth shut as you realized you were rambling. You picked at a stiff hangnail, tugged at it until it started to hurt. You continued flicking at it, egged on by your awkwardness. And realizing you were being awkward was only making it worse. So you picked. And picked, until the hangnail tore and hurt worse.

“Why is it important that you cum?” He asked.

“What?” You asked. You looked at him, expecting to see pity. Disgust. Curiousness. Dr. Richmond held none of those things. His face was a pillar of stoicism, balancing the perfect mix of professionalism and empathy.

“Why is it so important to you? If you know that it’s normal and plenty of people experience it, shouldn’t the journey matter more than the destination?” He asked.

Your mouth fell open on a silent gasp as you looked at him. Your mind emptied of every single possible answer to that question. It was important because…it was. Because you never got anything else right either. You were always a step behind, slow on the uptick, feeling like you were taking up too much space in the world even after shrinking yourself to the smallest possible point.

Not easy to do considering your size. You loved your body and wouldn’t trade it for the world, but it wasn’t exactly easy to hide. You were unassuming, sweet, kind, and a great friend. But beneath all of that, you wanted desperately to fit in. This was a basic human release. It was part of the big three things that humans needed. Food, safety, sex. And you could only achieve one of those things.

But how did you word that without sounding like a pathetic kook? You pulled at the hangnail, felt the burn as it ripped, and shrugged your shoulders. Might as well tell the truth. “Because I feel like a freak when I can’t. Like I waited too long. To have sex, to experience life, to explore what I’m into,” you said.

“Do you think there are goal posts for life?” He asked. He may as well have been a statue for how often he moved. He retained his position, chair turned slightly towards you, as he looked at you like you were a puzzle.

“Isn’t there? That’s why we call them milestones? Reach your 18th birthday, yay you’re an adult. Find the love of your life, yay you’re married. Pop out some kids, yay, you’re continuing the bloodline. I feel like now, at my age, I should know what one fuckin’ orgasm feels like,” you said.

“How do you know you haven’t had one already?” He asked.

“I know my body. There’s nothing. There’s the build up, there’s the excitement, there’s everything leading up to it. But I never get over that peak. It just…goes away,” you said.

Dr. Richmond nodded and turned his attention to the pad. He wrote down a few sentences and it was so quiet in his office, you could hear a clock ticking nearby. You also heard his pen scratch against the paper. He must be using some fancy, fountain pen. He looked the type.

“What do you hope to achieve through therapy?” He asked.

You shrugged. “If I knew, you wouldn’t be my tenth therapist,” you said with a heavy sigh. When you first thought about going to therapy, you thought it wasn’t truly for you. There was nothing that really bothered you outside of life’s stress. Everybody had that.

But you ended up finding some that encouraged you to dig deep and find the woman within. The one comfortable in her skin. Encouraged you to explore your sexuality and think about it in depth. You crawled through so many forums, so many health websites, so many articles that you had a great idea of what ailed you.

“There has to be a reason you keep trying,” he said.

You leaned back into the sofa with a huff. “You definitely ask the easy questions. What happened to the intake and whatever?” You asked.

Dr. Richmond chuckled. He tapped his pen against your folder. “You’ve done plenty of that, don’t you think?”

Your lips twisted with a smile. Okay, maybe you were starting to see why he was so highly recommended. He was comforting without being condescending. Soothing without being smarmy. He treated you like an adult and for the first time, you had a little beacon of hope.

“I keep trying because I want it. I don’t have the words right now to describe why I want it. I want to know the hype. I want the relief. I want to know what post nut clarity feels like,” you said.

Dr. Richmond chuckled and you chuckled with him. It sounded funny, but you were so serious. It was exhausting at this point. Pretending like you knew what the fuck you were talking about when others asked you. Your group chat blew up with your equally single friends who were less discerning about who they took to bed.

Every other night, there were stories about dick sizes, oral, and a whole treatise on the lack of finesse these guys had. You almost snorted thinking about your best friend, Brooklyn, and how she said that no wonder men were trapping women in marriages in the past. It was the only way they could get women to be with them. It certainly wasn’t because of their pornographic sexual prowess.

“What’s been your journey with sex so far?” He asked.

You took a deep breath and told him all about it. The way that you picked up a book one day with sex in it and never looked back. In a lot of ways, that book probably shaped how you viewed sex and your sexual kinks. Before long, you were searching for more and more books with the exact same tropes. A sexy, semi-asshole alpha male that was too big to be real. 7’8, long dick, and a short attitude. Typically bad boy types with tattoos and “touch her and die” vibes. The kind to only be soft with the female main character.

You could wax poetic about why it appealed to you. Blah blah blah, you had a terrible childhood where you felt invisible. It was all there in the file if he wanted to take a gander.

“I know I’m submissive, that I want to be dominated in bed. But, whew, the game out here is ridiculous,” you said. “The men I wouldn’t mind submitting to are too damn weak to take control. The men I would never submit to act like I’m their pet already and can speak to me however they want.”

“Do you think you’re being too picky?” He asked.

You were startled into a laugh. “What gave me away, Dr. Richmond?” You asked.

Dr. Richmond chuckled. “I have a process, bear with me,” he said. That ain’t all you wanted to do. He was fine as hell. You mentally shook your head. No, you could not go there. Not at all.

You continued to discuss how you led to certain conclusions. Yes, you were picky. But why shouldn’t you be? You weren’t seeking perfection. You just wanted something normal. Something healthy. Something toe curling, mind numbing, sickeningly disgusting and sweet. Was that too much to ask for?

Dr. Richmond asked more questions and you relaxed fraction by fraction, getting right to the core of why you were seeking professional help. You told him about some of the partners you had. Some who were sweet and really tried. You had a long term boyfriend at one point who was attentive and caring. But he fell short of making you cum.

He ate you out long enough to get you wet and going and then jumped straight to sex just so he could cum. You often lied about cumming until it got too exhausting to keep up with. He promptly got mad, hurt that you lied, and possibly embarrassed that he wasn’t God’s gift to sex. His loss.

It was awkward at first to discuss such intimate details with Dr. Richmond but you often forgot he was even there. Until he asked you to expand on something you said or ask a clarifying question. Even the scratch of his pen faded into the background as you spoke about how you arrived in his office.

Dr. Richmond finally finished and leaned back in his seat once more, squaring his broad shoulders against the high back of his chair. He crossed his leg and looked at you and you briefly wondered what he’d look like without the glasses.

“We’re nearing the end of our session but I think I’m getting a clearer picture of why you’re here. After hearing from you and looking through your file, it seems like your perception of what sex really is has been skewed. Either through these books, these movies, or even porn. It’s perfectly okay to consider what you like in bed or what you prefer in a partner. But most people’s foray into their sexual journey starts with themselves. What’s your relationship like with your body?”

“I love my body,” you said, immediately. Why wouldn’t you love your body? You were gorgeous. Sure, you struggled with your weight, but you didn’t want to be thin anyway. You just wanted to roll out of bed without being out of breath sometimes. Or cut your toenails without having to stop every few minutes for air.

Dr. Richmond licked his lips and your eyes dropped immediately to it. He rubbed the corner of his mouth with his thumb and it drew your attention to his big hands. Too damn bad you hadn’t met him under better circumstances. You bet he could make you cum. Often.

“What else?” He asked.

“What else is there?” You asked, clearing your throat, and drawing your attention away from how drop dead gorgeous he was. Your thoughts ran wild still, picturing him in all sorts of nasty scenarios. If nothing else, your imagination was always there to show you a good time. Your own perfect world where you experienced back to back orgasms.

“What has your personal sexual journey encompassed besides you loving your body? Do you touch yourself?” He asked.

You fought every urge you had to squeeze your thighs together. How the hell did this man end up in this profession? He missed his calling as a phone sex operator. Or an erotic audio content creator. Good lord, he could have people eating out of the palm of his hand if he so wished. Swimming in a tub full of money earned from hundreds of thousands of horny bitches who could cum to his voice alone. Lucky bitches.

You shrugged. “Of course I touch myself. I can’t cum that way either,” you said.

Dr. Richmond chuckled. “This only works if you lower them walls you try so hard to hide behind,” he said.

You kissed your teeth and rolled your eyes to the ceiling. The hell did he know. So what if he had fancy doctor diplomas behind his chair. So what if he had a MD in this field. What the hell did he know?

After cursing him out two ways from Sunday in your mind, you deflated. “I know I’m not relaxed when I masterbate. I lock my door, I put on headphones, and I still feel like I’m…”

“Like you’re…?” Dr. Richmond prompted.

“Being watched? Being judged? You can probably guess I grew up religious. It’s not like I had enough time or space to explore my body. My room was directly next to my parents’. If I so much as sighed too loud, my mom was banging on my wall telling me to fix my attitude,” you admitted. That had been oodles of fun. Growing up, you couldn’t even roll your eyes without someone telling you to fix your face.

“What does relax you then?” He asked.

“When I find out, I’ll tell you,” you said.

Dr. Richmond smiled, showing off a dazzling, mega-watt movie star smile that made your knees weak. If you weren’t already sitting down, you’d fall flat on your face.

“I believe I can help you, but you have to be willing to do the work. I need total, focused commitment from you. Do you think you can do that?” He asked.

“Yes,” you said instantly. There wasn’t even a question. You wanted this more than breathing, more than eating. And that was saying something because you would happily drive far and wide for a good meal.

Dr. Richmond nodded. “Good. I’m giving you homework. I want you to spend the next week exploring your body. Nothing sexual. Spend time in your body and with your body. Touch yourself, but no masterbating. When you shower, acknowledge your body. When you lotion up, pay attention to every mole, every scar. This is the only body you’ll ever have so it’s time to think beyond simple body maintenance. Admire your body. I also want you to keep a journal. You won’t share it with me unless you want to, but this exercise is to get you in tune with your body. Rewire how you perceive sex and sexual completion. Does that sound doable?”

You nodded, not trusting your voice at the moment. He must not know the effect he had on those around him. He had to be completely clueless. Batshit fucking oblivious. The wreck he was having on your libido was absolutely insane.

Joking aside, you were taking this seriously. In just one session, Dr. Richmond managed to give you a tiny spark of hope. That maybe you weren’t a lost cause. You immediately tempered your thoughts. Hope hurt. You’d been hopeful so many times in the past, with different therapists, who seemed like they had a plan to help you.

Only for them to diagnose some other problem. You had anxiety, duh. You had depression, shocker. You had a laundry list of diagnoses from doctors and therapists who just thought you were obsessed with sex. That was like saying the sky was blue. Who wasn’t obsessed with sex? Besides asexual people.

“I’ll do it,” you said.

“Good,” he said. He went over your schedule, working out a time to see him once a week until you would eventually graduate to fewer sessions. That bummed you out. Not seeing his gorgeous face ever again? Could you fake another issue and continue seeing him?

Dr. Richmond dismissed you and you left his office feeling a smidgen lighter than when you entered. Maybe this would actually work out. Maybe.

Terry

Terry finished with his last client of the day and went over his notes, inputting his clearer thoughts into the patient portal on his laptop. When he ran across your file, he paused and opened it once more.

Your case fascinated him. He couldn’t stop pouring over your files, doctor’s notes, direct quotes. There had been plenty of therapists before him, all trying to help the beautiful woman who entered his office earlier in the afternoon.

He wasn’t immune to his patients. Some were beautiful and charming and all tried to flirt their way into his bed. He never crossed that line. Never. Yet…when you discussed your story, the rawness of it captivated him. He held onto your every word like you were a theater production right before his eyes.

He hardly took notes because he was so fascinated with the dichotomy of you. On the outside, you were a bit shy. Perhaps too self-aware which led you to shrink, hide who you really were. He got the sense that there was an entire universe wrapped up in your mind and he began asking deeper questions than he ever had on a first session.

The hour had gone by too fast for his tastes. He wanted to hear more. Learn more. Know more. He hated to admit it, he even got semi-erect as you told your tale. He was understandably disgusted and it wasn’t the first time; occupational hazard. But it was the first time he’d ever cursed his medical degree.

You were perfect. Absolutely perfect. When you admitted to being submissive, his dick even twitched. Ached. Why couldn’t he have met you somewhere else? Surely, fate hadn’t been so cruel as to put the perfect sub within reach and then ensure that he could never have you? Never touch you?

Describing your previous lovers actually made his chest boil. You had been subjected to ignorant men who wouldn’t know what to do with a woman like you. And they had you believing that you were the problem. It was laughable. It was maddening. It was cruel.

He frowned at your file. He had gone over it so many times in preparation for the session. He didn’t know what would walk through the door. A file this thick? He thought he’d have a sex-obsessed, delusional fiend on his hands that he’d have to contend with.

Your wish of cumming was almost cute. Terry sighed. He shouldn’t be thinking it was cute. If anything, he should be passing your case off to his colleague down the hall. Dr. Crawford was as capable as Terry was, their ideas often aligning in regards to treatment.

He preferred a holistic approach. Most problems could be resolved within a few months, once people began to shift their idea of sex and their role in it.

“Everything is about sex, except sex. Sex is about power.” That was one of his favorite quotes, said so many times that no one truly knew where it originated.

It was a quote he often repeated to his patients at the right moment. When they were beginning to discover a part of themselves previously unexplored. He wondered how long it would take for your moment? That dawning realization.

He was only sad he couldn’t see it in real time. That moment when you let yourself feel. Let yourself relax and sink into that subspace you so desperately needed. Terry grunted and closed your file.

He was about to crack you open like an egg and watch a brand new woman emerge. He was about to hand you off to the first man who pretended to understand your needs. He took out his fresh notepad, every patient got one, and scribbled some more notes. He’d have to make sure you understood the difference between a real dom and a little boy playing dress up.

His eyes scanned across his earlier notes, little things he jotted down while you spoke. Areas you skipped over, areas you expanded on. They were only a sentence or two long, something to kickstart his memory. Because at the time, his eyes were focused on you. On your face, your voice, your mannerisms.

It was both a curse and a blessing to notice so much. See so much. Understand so much. But it worked when necessary. You deflected about your sexual partners, retreated when he tried to push further about how you reached these conclusions. What methods you tried.

Usually, Terry did a whole song and dance to ease patients into talking about sex. Sex was taboo until it was time to have it. Now everything was awkward, unbalanced, and led to too many instances of abuse.

But between your file and how skittish but determined you seemed, you didn’t need a song and dance. You needed someone to give you guideposts. You didn’t truly need therapists. You just needed a nudge in the right direction. A nudge to someone else.

Terry pursed his lips and looked at your name on the file. He had to be careful. If he wasn’t, you would end up being trouble in more ways than one.

He finished up the last of his notes and then scanned through for anything he might have missed. He wrote down what your homework assignment was. He hadn’t truly known where that came from.

Perhaps it was the look in your eyes. Perhaps it was the helpless, frantic twist to your mouth that had him going from zero to one hundred where you were concerned. But the more he described it, the lower your eyes went. The way your mouth slackened just a bit. As if you were caught in some picture in your mind that he couldn’t see.

Terry leaned away from his desk and looked outside of his window. The tinted glass showed the sun in the distance, sinking lower towards the horizon. A bird flew, twisting and turning with the hot currents it found.

He ought to do the right thing. There was no way to remain objective in this manner. Not when he was strangely drawn to you, drawn to your file, and drawn to the unique challenge it presented.

You could very well end up a case study in some medical textbook or journal, name changed, but the presentation exactly the same. He didn’t relish the thought of being the one to put you there. But your case could end up helping someone else. It was the way the world worked.

He only hoped that he had enough self-restraint to walk away if he found himself compromised. If he couldn’t reign in his personal tastes and habits to help you. If he found himself looking at your lips as you spoke, your smile as you made self-deprecating jokes, or the shy way you licked your lips.

“Shit.” He took his phone out of his bag and hit up his on again, off again submissive play partner, Tasia. Perhaps it’d been too long since he took care of his own needs. Perhaps what he needed was to release the pent up tension he carried around all the time.

How long had it been? He didn’t know. But even as he set up the details with Tasia, he couldn’t help wondering if you were following his directions to the letter.

I said don't judge me! LOL. Thank you for reading, truly.

The Secret Terry Richmond Files | Part 2

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mcflymemes · 1 year ago

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THINGS MY FRIENDS' MUSES HAVE SAID * assorted dialogue written by my talented mutuals, adjust as necessary

you are stronger than you think.

there's so much you don't know.

sorry to unload this on you. i just don't get to talk about this much.

i'm sorry for misleading you.

you ought to know that. someone ought to tell you.

you really don't tire of this, do you?

i'm running out of patience for this.

you don't owe me anything. i don't think any of us should owe each other anything.

it's... hard to explain, actually.

sorry for waking you.

the opportunity was just too good to pass up.

i know you're just being nice.

i'll take the blame for this.

you're unbearably ridiculous.

i'm leaving after i get my coat.

quit your grinning.

what if we stayed up later tonight?

i'm still figuring it out myself.

you know i'm just gonna keep asking.

i spilled coffee all over not one, but two shirts.

as treacherous as i thought it might be, this journey has been rather... well. interesting, to say the least.

where did you learn to dance?

why the sudden declaration? you're not leaving me, are you?

maybe we should head back to camp.

the stars looked too pretty last night. i couldn't sleep inside my tent.

i love you. i care about you... but you're scaring me.

i hope you don't think you're going to lure me into your bed after a few charming words.

aren't you supposed to offer your assistance with stuff like this?

maybe you could help me from time to time.

you're a heck of a lot cuter than me.

i'm open to suggestions.

what was that for?

you don't have to tell me, if you don't want to.

why the stubbornness?

there's nights i don't sleep easily.

i'll see you at sunrise.

guess it's a good thing you haven't heard.

been a while since i told anyone about that.

what a damn shame i didn't bring a rose.

you're gonna have to be more specific.

i do live to make your life absolutely awful.

wait for me. promise you will.

i'll keep it safe. i promise.

you don't need to say it.

i'm not a bloody mind reader.

haven't you heard?

i know better than to tell you to stay behind.

you can say no. i won't be mad.

you're even sweeter than i remember.

i would have been even happier if i saw you more often.

honestly, i want to get inside before i start to turn blue.

hope you like meatballs.

not being kind. just being honest.

i'm taking us somewhere sandy.

you'll have to hold onto me for a while.

i want to catch up on my reading.

i'm in trouble. it's really bad.

the guest bedroom is all yours.

#rp meme #rp memes #rp prompt #roleplay memes #roleplay prompt #rp starters #ask meme #ask memes #roleplay meme #roleplay inbox prompts #rp inbox meme #inbox prompt #inbox meme #sentence starter prompt #sentence starter #sentence starters #mcflymemes #mine

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meanbossart · 5 months ago

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Hello! I really love your art!!! Im a big fan of horror and erotica, do you have any toughts to share about being a horror-orinted artist? Im also an artist and contantly want to draw (and share) some darker stuff but am too afraid of internet judgment i guess (a coward lmao). In your journey on the internet, do you were harassed or something because if your subject? Sorry if it is a weird ass ask - im genuinely curious.

Heya, glad you enjoy my stuff!

I've never really experienced any harassment because of my art. I've gotten unkind reactions/opinions about it but one individual expressing their dislike for what you do every once in a while isn't really noteworthy enough. I do, sometimes, get the impression that people online are very reactionary about getting negative feedback of any kind, which makes sense with how over-exposed we are to the worse-case-scenarios of true, nightmarish harassment. But, truth be told, MOST of us will A) never make it "that big" B) While it may be kind of rude, receiving occasional negative attention is just a part of the human experience and it will always be sprinkled into otherwise positive feedback. You just have to be okay with that and take it maturely.

I think one of the main reasons why me and my partner never received severe negative attention for our comics (besides for being mind-numbingly boring as people with our internet presence) is because we are explicitly clear about what they are and what they contain. I have seen a LOT of horror/shock-content artists be... Very euphemistic about their work for whatever reason? Like, trying to sell the themes of their work but somehow failing to explicitly disclose the triggering content within it, or they just leave it at "gore/horror" when a more in-depth description of what the work contains would have been necessary. Sometimes, people seem to do this because they are preemptively scared of the backlash they might receive; but other, much more infuriating times they seem to be tricking people into giving them money before being fully informed.

As an example, here's what the content warning for one of our comics looks like:

Could a "sexual content and assault, death and bigotry" warning have sufficed? Maybe, and at some point I would have argued about the necessity of this level of thoroughness. But nowadays I really think my boyfriend's insistence for detailed TWs are to thank for keeping the people who DON'T want to read about this stuff away, and the people who DO to be able to find it and """enjoy""" it responsibly.

So, be objective about what it is that you're making, not only with others but with yourself. Is there a more complex point that you're trying to convey with your work? Probably. Is being cagey about the work's content and refusing to acknowledge that it may still be triggering, pornographic, repulsive and shocking going to make people see that point more clearly? Absolutely not.

#ask #advice

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cyb3rtarot · 1 year ago

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Pick a Pile: Message From Your Inner Child + How You Can Nurture Them

Disclaimers: choose the pile you feel intuitively drawn to; you can choose more than one! Take what already resonates and leave anything confusing or stressful. Readings are not replacements for professional advice. I used a mix of tarot, oracle, and my intuition.

pile 1->pile 2

pile 3->pile 4

░░░

Pile 1

Message [Justice||nine of hearts rx, king of pentacles, nine of wands rx, three of pentacles rx]: hi pile one! Your inner child wants to express feelings of dissatisfaction or being stifled. Many of you are in a good place financially/with work, at least compared to where you used to be. This came from working very hard without much support from others—maybe even being hindered by others. Other people might look at your life and wish they had it, but your inner child does not seem fulfilled by whatever your position is. I don’t sense ungratefulness, but it does seem like your inner child is more interested in something “deeper” or more meaningful than your physical reality is providing. If you’ve had to claw your way out of hard situations, your inner child seems to be looking for some kind of justice or retribution regarding that. You may feel like you deserve more happiness after what you’ve had to go through, or want people who have done you wrong to be punished.

How you can nurture your inner child [the fool, the emperor, king of pentacles rx, three of swords rx]: a more proactive approach to finding meaning and happiness in your life will nurture your inner child. You might be used to going with the flow—especially if you’re materially comfortable or seeking such a lifestyle. Remember that you have the power to initiate new beginnings; you don’t have to stay the same! Give your inner child space to grow and discover what feels right to them, even if it doesn’t make sense to others. Don’t force yourself to remain in an unhappy spot when there are changes within your grasp. Uncertainty is a necessary part of life. There’s also a big emphasis on balancing your work for outer stability with this search for inner happiness; perhaps some of you unnecessarily overwork yourselves which leaves little time for other things.

For some, this soul searching may involve letting go of past hurts. I’m not trying to force you to forgive others, but to identify how your current reality has formed as a response to pain, and how you can choose to respond differently.

Extra details: isolation, loneliness. Past betrayals and enemies. Being “self made,” supporting oneself. Not being seen and understood, wearing a facade/mask. Music as solace, singing, pop stars (Ariana Grande again lol?). Balance. Being the tough kid, defending yourself. Paying your own way through school. Aggressiveness. Continuous conflict with colleagues or family, unhappiness at work. Wanting to leave a “good” job, or wanting to “run away” (some of you may be daydreaming about “drastic” action, like suddenly quitting and going on a long trip, far away from everyone you know).

░░░

Pile 2

Message [the star rx, seven of wands rx|| nine of swords, the star, four of pentacles rx]: hi pile two! There is a lot of past hurt and trauma in this pile, and your inner child is highly encouraging healing/shadow work. Your inner child is wanting you to lower some of those internal walls so those uncomfortable emotions and memories can be processed. If you feel you need someone like a professional to help you, that is absolutely okay. Healing is hard, trauma is messy, and the “despair” in this pile seems particularly heavy.

How you can nurture your inner child [two of hearts, the tower rx, queen of pentacles rx, the lovers, six of cups rx]: a major focus for your healing journey is examining how past hurts—especially in relationships or childhood—are projected onto present day relationships. You may have developed certain traits or behaviors to survive the past, but now they block you from experiencing the intimacy your inner child craves. This is not to say you should compromise boundaries, but know that intimacy and vulnerability themselves are not the enemy. Thinking or acting like they are can even be a way of self-blaming, as if you not needing love would have prevented others from being toxic or abusers. Examine how past patterns can lead to current self-sabotaging, and also give yourself grace if you feel like you made a mistake. Learning how to navigate relationships of any kind is hard, and trauma can make it harder! Know your inner insecurities are not reflective of the relationship, how others see you, or the truth. If you do wish to work on some aspect of yourself or your healing journey, it’s very much within your capacity.

Extra details: fruit is significant, maybe nostalgic memories of someone cutting or giving you fruit growing up? A house with a tile or distinctive roof, roof decorations. The quiet/shy kid. Feeling like you’re falling apart. Clumsiness. Alone. A lot of yelling and hurtful words (particularly in the past). Childhood or domestic trauma. Catastrophizing. I feel like a lot of you are in a romantic relationship that is triggering anxiety. Practicing healthy communication with your partner may be one part of the healing work mentioned above. I also feel like a lot of you jumped from a very toxic home into a very toxic relationship as you came of age; a current relationship may be difficult due to this pattern that developed.

░░░

Pile 3

Message [ the hermit, the fool rx|| Queen of cups, the chariot, justice rx, ten of pentacles rx, the hanged man rx, the tower]: hi pile 3, your inner child had a lot to say! You might repress them a lot. They want you to know you are living with old mindsets and approaches that are no longer aligned with you. You have a very large inner, emotional world and self awareness, but you don’t let this shine through to the outside. There’s a big nihilistic vibe of just going through the motions and accepting your lot—even when you’re miserable—and even when there’s changes you can make. An imbalance exists between the energy directed towards your mind versus the outside world. There’s a sense of solitude and a “what’s the point?” approach. However, there’s also a sense of restlessness. Your inner child is feeling stifled by this lifestyle; they want to come out and experience enthusiasm! It seems major changes are present or coming in where this can be addressed.

How you can nurture your inner child [the lovers rx, king of swords, knight of wands rx, the emperor rx]: your inner child is encouraging you to embrace excitement for life. It feels like your nihilistic or apathetic approach functions as self-punishment by denying your desires. You’re aware of which things are not working for you anymore, but you’re avoiding tough conversations or decisions. Your inner child wants to break free and to go after what gives them joy; they do not want their emotions to be judged, repressed, or punished. Some of the self awareness you’ve developed in your inner world can be used to help navigate the disappointments and uncertainties of life. You have to wade past these things to reach the treasures in your journey.

Extra details: restlessness, emo (some of you were in middle school), quiet, hurting, simmering anger, Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day, taking an analytical approach to emotions, singing, not being allowed to express emotions growing up. You might say “perhaps” a lot. Water, wanting to live in or visit a location close to water.

░░░

Pile 4

Message [seven of wands rx, king of hearts, the hermit, strength rx, queen of swords|| queen of pentacles, queen of cups rx, five of cups rx, death rx]: hello pile four! The focus of your message is healing vulnerability. You guys have had to be strong by yourself for a long time. For those working on spirituality, it feels like that was the focus of this period. This “hardened” time can come to a close and give way to a new era where you’re more able to face feelings and express them authentically. Your inner child is pointing to a past experience (or multiple) you can revisit to do healing work. This may be a very disappointing heartbreak in a past relationship (of any kind). You might have had to end it with someone who was very attached to you and make that first “hurtful” move so you both could move on and heal. Or, you became disillusioned from lack of emotional fulfillment. Most of you have already done a lot of healing/shadow work and reached a more stable place with your inner sense of security. But, there’s difficulty translating this into being vulnerable with others. Due to the amount of emotional work you had to do, you’re leaning into logic and practicality when there needs to be a balance with emotion. Maybe you can easily identify and scrutinize emotions, but you default to this mental approach to avoid actually feeling it or confronting what you’ve repressed—especially if others’ reactions to your emotions have been disappointing. Protecting yourself is necessary and so is analyzing emotion. But sometimes feelings just need to pass through! We can only “think” our way so far into understanding life lessons. Vulnerability with ourselves—and knowing healthy ways to be vulnerable with others—are both healing.

How you can nurture your inner child [the hierophant rx, king of wands, princess of wands, page of cups rx, the devil rx]: you’ve done a lot of self-discovery and learning lessons on purpose. This has made space for beautiful growth—however, there’s an emphasis on being open to developing with other people, too. You may want to continue working on yourself in isolation, but some growth and self-knowledge can only be discovered through others. You may repress your inner child’s desire for connection—forcing yourself to be independent. This seems comfortable for you, but not necessarily fulfilling. You may not know where to start with allowing others inside your world. This pile is stuck in the middle of not wanting to deal with toxic BS and yearning for something new + authentic. You may really have to push yourself to leave your comfort zone when it comes to others, and remember that your past experiences don’t define every experience you could have. I’m not suggesting to do things that feel wrong to you, but I am suggesting to notice where you squash your curiosity towards others as a defense mechanism. If you remain true to the things you’ve learned during this time, you’ll be much more adept at spotting insincere people and setting boundaries. And, you’ll be equipped for the inevitable challenges that occur when we get closer to others. These aren’t necessarily bad challenges, but for someone who has learned to love being alone, the metaphorical social “dance” can seem daunting. People are lessons, but not everyone is going to be a hard lesson.

Extra details [TW abuse, self harm, suicide mention]: using spirituality as a reason to not feel (example, not letting yourself feel disappointed because “that’s how it was meant to be”), likes to rhyme or make puns a lot, tendency towards being nonchalant/apathetic, trying to “think” emotions away, not knowing how to stop being so independent. Spiritual, wise, eccentric/enigmatic, self-assured. “Nice” relationships but very few “deep” relationships. Wanting to be friendly but getting alarmed when someone want to be friendly back lol. May have been in a relationship with a very imbalanced power dynamic; someone may have had the power to punish you? In & out the hospital as a child or a very big medical incident. Working in medical (specifically getting nursing) or as a coach, trainer. Surgeries & surgical scars (especially emergency surgery to save your life), medical implants & devices, physically disabled. SH scars. Past attempt on one’s life. Unwilling to feel emotion in fear of getting swept away by them. Stoic on the outside, emotional inside. Always trying to “solve” your emotions

░░░

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ladykailitha · 1 month ago

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Around the World Part 1

Welcome to the sequel, but not the epilogue! It a bit confusing and I'm sorry. Essentially this story takes place before the sobriety celebration in the last chapter of Icarus. Which I would absolutely read first if you haven't yet. It's 25 chapters of Steddie on tour.

The epilogue takes place SIX years AFTER Gareth's celebration. And is only two chapters. It is an unmasking of The Fallen. I wrote when I was trying to flesh out Shane, Spence, and Simon.

Summary: After a grueling tour, Steve wants nothing more than take a vacation with his boyfriend and just be regular people for three months. Only Eddie isn't just anyone, he's the frontman for the world's most popular heavy metal band. So Chrissy and Robin come long to act as beards (provided they keep their hands off of each other long enough). Join the fruity four as they travel the world looking for the spooky, the kooky, and the all together weird.

The tour was finally over and Steve was ready to collapse. He couldn’t wait to be himself again.

It would be two weeks with Jim Hopper and the rest of his band to deprogram them from their alter egos then a three month trip with Robin and Eddie.

Everyone else had made plans too. Spence and Nadia were going to see a few of the national parks. They were going to start with the ones in California and then go from there. They were planning on making it a yearly thing, if they lasted that long.

His friends really hoped they did. One of them needed a healthy relationship that wasn’t kept in the shadows.

Steve showed up first and waited for his bandmates to trickle in. Shane arrived first. With coffee for all six of them. Robin and Hopper included. Steve gratefully took his syrupy sweet iced coffee with a grateful smile.

Shane was doing better too. He had started therapy too after talking with Gareth about his. Gareth had told him that it was better to start when the cracks were beginning to show, then after the damn had burst. And Shane had really taken that to heart.

Him and Gareth were taking a vacation together later in the summer. To places where drinking and partying wasn’t the only way to have fun. Both their therapists recommended it, to have a friend with them who was going through a similar journey to help keep them on the path to recovery.

Simon came in next. He gratefully took his black coffee with two sugars from Shane and flopped on the sofa next to Steve. He was the only one of them that didn’t have plans. But privately Steve thought that was a good thing. He needed to learn to be more independent and not rely on other members of the band so much.

Then it was Robin and Hopper together, they were talking about business things that made Steve’s head spin. He knew it was a necessary part of what they did, but he was glad he someone else to do it for him.

They each took their coffees from Shane with grateful mumbles and sat down in each the arm chairs.

Spence arrived last and looking rather harried.

“If I see one more out of state driver thinking that they know how to drive on the instate better than Californians I might actually commit murder.”

Shane held up a white Americano and Spence broke down into tears. “I love you, man!”

Spence gave him a huge hug and Shane just patted his back awkwardly. Once Spence stopped crying he went to go sit on the sofa with Steve and Simon.

“Sorry about that,” he said with a sniff. “It’s just been a horrific morning and the sweet smell of coffee was like balm on my soul.”

Steve was about to ask what was wrong, when Hopper cleared his throat. “All right, everyone. I’ve made everyone videos that I want all you of you to study for the next couple of hours and then we’ll slowly work on deprogramming all of you.”

They buckled down and got to work. Steve kept an eye on Spence though. And when they both got a break he pulled his drummer aside.

“Hey, bud,” Steve asked soothingly, “what’s wrong?”

Spence ran his fingers through his long curls and sighed. “Nadia has to go back to India for a few months because her grandfather is dying. Only she’s not sure how long it will be so most likely the vacation is off.”

Steve blinked at him for a moment. “And you’re not going with her, why?”

Spence raised his head and blinked back at him. “What?”

“You’re a multi-millionaire, dude,” Steve pointed out, “you could go with her to India. Meet her family, enjoy and learn a whole new country and culture.”

Spence’s eyes went wide. “I–I didn’t think of that...” he made a dive for his phone but Hopper was faster.

“It can wait until you’re done for today,” he growled. “You have a lot to do before you can contact people in your life.”

Spence blushed a dark red.

“Holy fucking hell, Spencer Peters,” Hopper snapped. “I told you not go see her. And ya did it anyway.”

“I figured I was okay,” Spence muttered. “After all I don’t talk as Azrael.”

Hopper smacked the back of his head. “Yeah and how did you explain your rough voice?”

“Traveler’s cough?” Spence said with a wince and a shrug.

Hopper squeezed the bridge of his nose with finger and thumb and sighed. “Don’t do that again, yes?”

Spence nodded, wide eyed.

Things progressed naturally from there. Every day, them becoming more like themselves and less like two separate people.

On the last day of “training” Robin came bouncing up to Steve.

“So...” she said nervously, “Vickie wants us to take a fourth on our vacation so it doesn’t look like I’m chaperoning you. Preferably another woman.”

Steve sighed.

He really should have seen that coming. Even though Robin/Celeste are known homosexuals, having another woman there would dispel the rumors that Eddie and Steve were dating.

“It would have to be someone straight,” he said, resigned.

“Would another chaotic bisexual work?” Robin asked chewing nervously on her lower lip.

“Chrissy.”

Robin grinned. “Yeah. It’ll be awesome because like me she was friends with the band before she became their manager so her and Eddie are really close, like you and me and with her with us, you ‘dating’ a manager isn’t as gold digger-esque as dating a international rockstar. Plus, she really likes the spooky and supernatural stuff too, so she wouldn’t be a killjoy about it–”

Steve grabbed her by the shoulders and said firmly, “Breathe.”

Robin took a massive inhale and gulped.

“I don’t mind Chrissy coming along,” he said with a wry smile, “but are you sure you don’t just want her along because you have a crush on her?”

She opened her mouth to refute it, but Steve raised an eyebrow and she slammed her mouth shut.

“That’s what I thought,” he said smugly. “Just know you cannot do anything even remotely couple-y with her otherwise that will completely counter the whole reason she’s there in the first place.”

Robin raised her hands in surrender. “I promise to keep my hands to myself until we get home.”

“Then of course she can come.”

“Yay!” Robin cried jumping up and down.

Steve was packing for his trip and was starting to worry that maybe this was a bad idea. He hadn’t thought about how it would look with him spending so much money on clothes and accommodation. Travel and food made sense on a PA’s salary, but staying in the places that Eddie would want to stay in without being labeled a gold digger was starting to weigh on his mind.

Which is of course when Eddie came to his rescue without him even needing to say a word.

The man in question came bounding into his room, him long since having had a key to the place, even well before he knew Steve was Abbadon. It was just now, he also had the biolock to Steve’s studio, too.

“Baby,” Eddie said giddily. “I found these haunted bed and breakfast places we can stay in on trip. With motels on standby in case they really are haunted. What do you think?”

Eddie let out a startled squawk when Steve tackled him onto the bed and completely ravished him.

When they were lying in bed afterward Eddie asked what that was about.

“Like, I loved the welcome,” he hedged. “But damn sweetheart, what did I do to deserve that in particular?”

Steve blushed and tucked his head into Eddie’s shoulder. “I was worried about it looking like I have too munch money for a PA or looking like a gold digger, then you come in with a plan of small bed and breakfasts and motels and I honestly couldn’t love you more in that moment.”

Eddie blinked for a moment as he took that in.

“Sweetheart,” he said softly, “you’ve gone on more lavish vacations with me before, what’s all the worry for now?”

“It’s just after the tour and the press accusing me of riding on your coattails and only being your friend for your money...”

“Oh, baby,” Eddie cooed, pulling Steve in impossibly closer. “I’d forgotten about that bullshit. Of course you’d be worried about that.”

“And then you came barreling into my intrusive thoughts,” Steve huffed in faux annoyance, “and just by being your sweet lovable self, scared off all my doubts and worries. Which is why I absolutely could not keep my hands off of you.”

Eddie tilted his head to the side. “I approve.”

Steve giggled and rolled on top of him to shower him with kisses. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too, baby,” Eddie murmured. “So the B&Bs are a hit?”

Steve sat up, straddling his hips. “Yeah, Eddie, it’s a hit. It’s perfect and low key. Most of those places wouldn’t even recognize you.” He paused for a moment. “Wait... that’s why you picked it isn’t?”

Eddie blushed and shoved a lock of hair in front of his face, nodding shyly.

Steve started kissing him again and again. “I think it’s a perfect idea, honey. I love that you thought of everything. Now we can absolutely go and everyone can have a good time. Thanks to you.”

“I want to take all the credit for be smart,” Eddie said bashfully, “but I was just going for as much fun and as silly as possible.”

Steve kissed him fiercely. “Well, still take credit, babe, because you cinched it for everyone.”

“Mmk,” Eddie said, then he grabbed Steve waist and flipped them over. “For being so sweet, I think it’s time I repaid you.” He slid down Steve’s body, hands roaming over sensitive skin the further down he went.

Steve let out a gasp as Eddie’s mouth enveloped around his dick. It would be sometime before either of them got out of bed.

The day of their departure came and all their bandmates came out to see them off. Simon had decided to take a wine tour of Italy and France to brush up on his language skills. An endeavor Robin heartily endorsed.

Steve secretly hoped that he would find a nice European woman to settle down with and get married. He could bring her back to LA so that it didn’t break up the band, but...

Yeah, he knew it was pipe dream. Simon still got too far into his head especially with his anxiety.

They hugged and kissed everyone goodbye and started their journey of all things, spooky, kooky, and the bizarre at Alcatraz Prison.

The long white corridors and echoing chambers was exactly what they wanted in a place they visited.

They all listened with rapt attention as their tour guide went on about the notorious prisoners and the daring escape that to that day was still unsolved. They even talked about how the Mythbusters had proven that they could have survived.

That night in their first haunted bed and breakfast, they pulled up the episode on Chrissy’s laptop and they all huddled around it to watch.

Then the girls went into one room and Eddie and Steve went into the other. They probably could have afforded to have all of them having their own room, but Eddie and Steve wanted the privacy. The one place they could act couple-y.

“Just think!” Eddie said excitedly. “All the mobsters that were interned there. Machine Gun Kelly! Al Capone! Fucking Al Capone! Whitey Bulger!”

Steve nodded. “And that famous escape from the Anglin Brothers and Frank Morris! God, that place was creepy as hell though.”

“Yeah,” Eddie agreed. “If that’s what solitary is like it should be against the law. What the honest fuck.”

“Just don’t commit any murders and I think we should be okay,” Steve assured him, rubbing his arm gently.

Eddie cocked his head to the side and put his finger to his lips thoughtfully. “No promises!”

Steve laughed and tackled his boyfriend to the bed. “God I love you.” He kissed Eddie deeply. “How quiet do you think you can be?”

“Right...” Eddie snorted, “like I’m the loud one, Mr. Screamer.” He casually flipped the two of them over, Steve giving a surprised yelp. “Do you think you can be quiet or do you think we need to gag you?”

Steve’s eyes went wide and his jaw went slack. He never thought he’d like the idea of a gag, but with Eddie, he was learning all sorts of new things about himself.

“Ooh...” Eddie said with a grin. “Someone just bluescreened over that suggestion.” Steve could only nodded. “You stay right there, pumpkin, let me go find something to gag you with.”

Steve nodded again, even more enthusiastically then before. He watched eagerly as Eddie went digging through their luggage, hoping he found something quickly.

“Ah ha!” Eddie cried, holding up his prize. It was a blank bandanna with white skulls on it. “This’ll do!”

He came bounding back up the bed and tied it over Steve’s mouth. “Now you just lie there, princess. I’m going to take good care of you tonight.”

Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9

I was going to start from scratch (meaning just putting my permanent list down and have ten new people request to be tagged), but there are a couple from my permanent list that aren't on the list for this one, and as I really don't want to have to go line by line (I will fuck up and do it wrong), I'm just keeping the list from Icarus across the trilogy, sorry!

If you are on this list and want to be removed from this and future sequels, let me know!

Tag List: CLOSED

1- @mira-jadeamethyst @rozzieroos @itsall-taken @redfreckledwolf @zerokrox-blog

2- @gregre369 @a-little-unsteddie @chaosgremlinmunson @messrs-weasley @val-from-lawrence

3- @goodolefashionedloverboi @carlyv @wonderland-girl143-blog @irregular-child @blondie1006

4- @yikes-a-bee @bookworm0690 @anne-bennett-cosplayer @awkwardgravity1 @littlewildflowerkitten

5- @genderless-spoon @y4r3luv @dragonmama76 @ellietheasexylibrarian @thedragonsaunt

6- @disrespectedgoatman @eyehartart @dawners @thespaceantwhowrites @tinyplanet95

7- @iamthehybrid @croatoan-like-its-hot @papergrenade @cryptid-system @counting-dollars-counting-stars

8- @ravenfrog @w1ll0wtr33 @child-of-cthulhu @kultiras @dreamercec

9- @machete-inventory-manager @useless-nb-bisexual @stripey82 @dotdot-wierdlife @kal-ology

10- @sadisticaltarts @urkadop @chameleonhair @clockworkballerina @garden-of-gay

#my writing #stranger things #steddie #ladykailtiha writes #rockstar eddie munson #rockstar steve harrington #rockstar au

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vasiliquemort · 1 month ago

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~Commissions are open!~

Such beauty it could be if you distributed this post - or even had desire to aquire something for yourself!<ззз

Below I have described in detail almost all the information that I could imagine as necessary, yet please do not hesitate to write for any reason in a private message or ask - it will be my absolute pleasure to tell or show you more, and I am always glad to have new delightful acquaintances!<зз

I do portraits in three formats - bust, waist-length and then full-length. They can be various in styling, therefore please pay close attention to the difference in the execution of these formats - the busts are always more detailed in the character's features, the atmosphere is more consistent in waist-length paintings, and full-length drawings are well suited to demonstrate clothing design or depicted scene.

I adore to experiment with styles and learn new tones of this craft - as each meeting is a start of something beautiful, and I desire to create art that is complex and multifaced, but to an important extend I should say that I do not feel comfortable to copy or imitate other's styles of execution and sensuality, and a lot of expressions and detailing in my work are sudden - art is an journey and yet I would love to share this journey with you;з

There is a path of my prices:

- Bust of one character up to the chest: 60$

Background for busts is free to be added<з

- Portrait of one or more characters up to the waist: 70$

For background + 10 $ as base cost, prices over are determined by detailing. For each new character + 20 $

- Character (or several) in full growth: 80$

For background + 10 $ as base cost as well, prices over are determined by detailing. For each new character + 30 $

Cost of more complex and expressive pieces and backgrounds are increased by tips, which I express as an deeply loyal and tactful system - it is absolutely voluntary and happens only at the end of the project, so you have ability to define their cost to your feelings and abilities and nothing over that<зз

Also, if you do not have tumblr account or emailing for you is more preferable - you can also fill the commission form instead!<з

Oh!! And you have read almost everything! Thank you so much! And also there, under the cut, I describe the general process of work and how we pay. This is quite useful information for other questions that you may have if you desire to purchase my work, therefore I may advise you to take a look at it along;з

How do we work on an order?

Please feel free to contact me via Tumblr for any questions you may acquire! ~

After I discuss the content of the painting with the client and receive additional materials from them (a photo of the person I am drawing, or references that are close to what is expected of me), I start creating the first sketch.

In accordance with the request, I make a sketch of the future painting, which will contain all its important elements and an approximate color scheme (if any) that I will use. At this stage, you can freely make your amendments, and when the content suits you, I will ask you for an advance payment of half the cost of the work without additional prices of background or detailing.

After that, work on the portrait will begin. Its duration varies on several factors - to a greater extent on the volume and complexity of the work itself, as well as on my own workload with other projects.

After completing the portrait, I will send you its version in low quality- after you familiarize yourself with it (there is also possible some edits - of tones and color, elements of shading, character features and small details), and after you pay the rest of the amount, you shall receive the final result of our artwork! ~

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muiitoloko · 4 months ago

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Unscripted Love

Summary: At a wedding, actors Alan and You pretend to be a couple, but a heartfelt confession transforms their charade into true love. In a moment of unscripted passion, they discover their feelings have always been real, leading to a new beginning.

Pairing: Alan Rickman × Fem! Reader

Warnings: None.

Author's Notes: I absolutely loved this idea and had so much fun writing about it! Thank you for the inspiration. I hope everyone enjoys the story as much as I did! ��

Request from @eccentricchick here.

First, Second and Third part here.

Also read on Ao3

Alan drummed his fingers on his thigh as he sat in the backseat of the car, his gaze drifting between the entrance of the film set and the conversation with his driver. He spoke softly, exchanging pleasantries and casual remarks, but his mind was clearly elsewhere. He always felt this way when he was about to see you—his heart seemed to beat a little faster, a warmth spreading through his chest.

"She's taking her time today," Alan mused, a hint of amusement in his baritone voice.

The driver, a seasoned professional who had driven Alan for years, chuckled softly. "Must be an important conversation, sir."

Alan nodded, his thoughts wandering back to you. He'd never told you how he felt, never confessed that he was in love with you. The fear of losing your friendship, the worry that you might not feel the same way, kept him silent. So, he settled for the role of "Best Friend," cherishing every moment he could spend with you, even if it meant hiding his true feelings.

Finally, you emerged from the set, your expression a mix of relief and mild frustration. Alan watched as you approached the car, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips. Just seeing you had this effect on him, making everything seem a little brighter.

You opened the car door and slipped inside, an apologetic smile on your face. "I'm so sorry for the delay, Alan. The director just wouldn't stop talking."

Alan shook his head, a reassuring smile on his face. "No need to apologize. Directors do tend to get carried away, don't they?"

You laughed softly, your tension easing as you greeted Alan's driver. "Hello, Tom. How have you been?"

Tom nodded politely, his eyes crinkling with a smile. "Very well, miss. Thank you. Ready to head off?"

You nodded, settling back into the seat. "Yes, please. Let's get out of here."

As the car pulled away from the set, you turned to Alan, a grateful smile on your face. "Thanks for waiting. I know it must have been boring just sitting here."

Alan shrugged, his eyes twinkling with a hint of mischief. "Not at all. Tom and I were having a riveting discussion about the best places to get a proper cup of tea."

You chuckled, rolling your eyes playfully. "I'm sure you were."

The conversation flowed easily between you as the car made its way through the city. You shared stories from your day, the ups and downs of filming, and Alan listened with rapt attention, interjecting with his clever and slightly sarcastic remarks that never failed to make you laugh.

"So, how's 'A Little Chaos' coming along?" you asked, your curiosity piqued.

Alan sighed, a mock-exasperated expression on his face. "Oh, you know, the usual chaos. I swear, directing is like herding cats sometimes. But it's coming together. I'm quite proud of it."

You smiled, your eyes shining with admiration. "I can't wait to see it. I'm sure it's going to be amazing."

Alan's heart swelled at your praise, though he kept his tone light. "Well, if it's terrible, you can always blame it on my questionable taste in scripts."

You laughed, shaking your head. "Somehow, I doubt that will be necessary."

The car ride continued, filled with easy conversation and shared laughter. Despite the chaos of your respective film sets, being in each other's company brought a sense of calm and comfort. Alan cherished these moments, even if he couldn't express how much you truly meant to him.

As the car continued its journey, your cell phone rang with a message notification. You picked it up absently, your attention shifting from the conversation with Alan to the screen. Alan glanced at your phone and casually remarked, "You know, I still haven't figured out how to use these new technologies at all. I'm convinced they're designed to make me feel old."

You smiled softly at his comment, but as your eyes scanned the message, your expression changed. Alan noticed the shift, his own smile faltering as concern crept into his eyes. "Is everything alright?" he asked gently.

Forcing a smile, you nodded. "Yes, it's fine." you replied, quickly putting your phone back in your bag.

Alan nodded, accepting your answer, but he couldn't shake the feeling that something was off. You grew unusually quiet for the rest of the trip, your responses reduced to short, polite phrases. Alan refrained from pressing you, giving you the space you seemed to need.

A few minutes later, the car came to a stop in front of the restaurant. You both stepped out, and Alan led the way inside to the table he had reserved. As you settled into your seats, Alan began to fill the silence with stories from the set of "A Little Chaos."

"The garden scenes are coming along beautifully," he said, his voice warm with enthusiasm. "We had to deal with some unexpected rain, but I think it actually added to the authenticity. Nature's little gift, I suppose."

You nodded, your smile faint but polite. "That sounds wonderful, Alan. I can't wait to see it."

Alan continued, trying to engage you with his usual charm and wit. "You should have seen Stanley Tucci trying to keep his wig on in the wind. It was like watching a man wrestle with a particularly determined squirrel."

You chuckled softly, but the laughter didn't quite reach your eyes. Alan's concern deepened, though he kept his tone light. "I swear, the wig nearly took off and started a new life somewhere in the countryside. Stanley was ready to let it go."

You nodded again, your responses polite but lacking the usual spark. Alan could see that your mind was elsewhere, but he respected your need for space and continued to share anecdotes from the set, hoping to lift your spirits.

As the waiter came to take your order, Alan glanced at you, his eyes filled with quiet concern. "What do you feel like having tonight? Maybe something indulgent to cheer you up?"

You offered a small smile, your voice soft as you placed your order. "I think I'll just have the grilled salmon, please."

Alan nodded and placed his own order, then turned his attention back to you. "So, any exciting projects coming up?" he asked, trying to draw you out of your quietness.

You hesitated for a moment before replying, "Nothing too exciting. Just a few scripts I'm looking at. It's been a bit slow lately."

Alan nodded thoughtfully, sensing there was more to your mood than you were letting on. "Well, sometimes a bit of downtime is just what we need. Gives us a chance to recharge."

You nodded, appreciating his understanding but still unable to fully shake the weight that had settled over you since reading the message. The rest of the dinner passed in a similar fashion, with Alan sharing stories and making light-hearted jokes, while you did your best to engage, though your heart wasn't fully in it.

As dessert arrived, Alan reached across the table, his hand gently covering yours. "You know, I'm always here if you need to talk. About anything."

You looked up, meeting his eyes, and saw the genuine concern and care there. For a moment, you felt the urge to confide in him, to share the burden that was weighing you down. But you held back, not wanting to ruin the evening.

"Thank you, Alan," you said softly, squeezing his hand. "I appreciate it. Really."

Alan smiled warmly, his touch reassuring. "Anytime, love. Anytime."

The two of you continued eating your dessert in relative silence. Alan, sensing the need for a bit of mischief to lighten the mood, reached over and stole a piece of your dessert, a playful grin on his face. Normally, this would elicit a laugh or a playful smack on his hand, but tonight, you didn't react at all. Instead, you continued to poke at your dessert absentmindedly.

Alan's concern deepened. He set his own dessert aside, leaning forward with a serious expression. "Alright, love, enough of this. What's really going on? This isn't like you."

You sighed, still poking at your dessert, before replying softly, "It's nothing, Alan. Really."

But Alan wasn't having it. He reached out, gently placing a hand over yours. "Please, [Your Name]. Talk to me. Whatever it is, you don't have to carry it alone."

Your resolve crumbled under his earnest gaze, and you finally relented. "It's... it's Michael."

Alan's expression darkened at the mention of your ex-boyfriend's name. He'd never liked Michael, especially after discovering how the man had cheated on you. Alan had tolerated him for your sake, but his dislike was palpable. "What did he do now?" Alan asked, his voice laced with anger and concern.

You took a deep breath, pulling out your cell phone and showing him the message. "He texted me. He's getting married and... he's inviting me to the wedding."

Alan's eyes scanned the message, his jaw tightening with each word. "How does this idiot have the courage to do that?" he muttered, barely containing his anger.

"That's not the worst part," you said, your voice trembling. "The woman he's marrying... it's the same woman he cheated on me with."

Alan's grip on your hand tightened, his anger bubbling just beneath the surface. "That bastard," he growled. "He doesn't deserve a moment of your time or thought. How dare he?"

You nodded, tears welling up in your eyes. "I know. But it still hurts. I thought I was over it, but this... it just brought everything back."

Alan moved his chair closer to yours, wrapping an arm around your shoulders and pulling you into a comforting embrace. "Listen to me, [Your Name]," he said softly, his voice filled with warmth and reassurance. "You don't owe him anything. You deserve so much better than him and his pathetic attempts at validation."

You leaned into his embrace, feeling the warmth and comfort of his presence. "I know you're right, Alan. It's just... hard to see it that way right now."

Alan kissed the top of your head, his touch gentle and soothing. "Take your time, love. But remember, you have people who care about you, who want to see you happy. And I'm one of them."

You smiled through your tears, grateful for his unwavering support. "Thank you, Alan. I don't know what I'd do without you."

He pulled back slightly, looking into your eyes with a serious yet gentle expression. "You'll never have to find out. I'm here for you, always."

As the waiter came to clear the table, Alan gave him a polite nod before turning his attention back to you. "Let's get out of here," he suggested. "How about we take a walk? Clear our heads a bit."

You nodded, appreciating the suggestion. "That sounds nice."

Alan settled the bill, and the two of you stepped out into the cool evening air. As you walked side by side, Alan kept a protective arm around you, his presence a comforting anchor in the midst of your emotional turmoil.

The city lights twinkled around you, the sounds of the bustling streets providing a soothing backdrop as you walked in silence for a while. Finally, Alan broke the silence, his tone lighter, trying to lift your spirits. "You know, if I ever meet this Michael fellow again, I might just have to give him a piece of my mind. Or perhaps a piece of my fist."

You chuckled softly, the image of Alan confronting Michael oddly comforting. "I wouldn't want you to get into trouble on my account."

Alan smirked, a playful glint in his eye. "Oh, I wouldn't get into trouble. I'd just give him a very stern talking-to. Maybe with a few choice words from Shakespeare."

You laughed, feeling a bit of the weight lift from your shoulders. "I'd pay to see that."

Alan's expression softened as he looked at you, his eyes full of affection. However, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted some paparazzi lurking nearby. He quickly removed his arm from around you and put his hands in his pockets, not wanting to create any scandal in the media. You and Alan were already often mistaken for a couple, and you had previously commented on how frustrating you found it. Alan didn't want to feed the media's gossip any further.

The two of you continued walking side by side, the city lights casting a warm glow around you. The air was cool and refreshing, helping to clear your mind. After a few moments, Alan turned to you, a thoughtful expression on his face.

"You know," he began, his voice measured and calm, "I read in Michael's message that he said you could bring a date to the wedding."

You nodded, not entirely sure where he was going with this. "Yeah, he did. But I don't think I'd want to go alone anyway."

Alan's eyes sparkled with a hint of mischief as he continued, "What if you... took me as your date? We could... pretend to be a couple, like in those cheesy movies. Show Michael that you're better off without him."

His words took you by surprise, and you stopped in your tracks, turning to face him. "Alan, I don't know if that would work," you said hesitantly. "It's not as simple as it sounds."

Alan paused, considering his words carefully before speaking again. "Think about it, [Your Name]. We're both actors. We've played a couple dozens of times. Pretending to be a couple at Michael's wedding will be like... stealing sweets from children."

You chuckled at his analogy but remained uncertain. "I get that, but what if it backfires? What if people see through it?"

Alan's expression was resolute as he looked into your eyes. "We'll be convincing. We've always had great chemistry on screen. Besides, this is a chance to show Michael what he lost. And more importantly... to remind you of your worth."

You took a deep breath, weighing the pros and cons of Alan's suggestion. It was true that you and Alan had always had a natural rapport, both on and off screen. Pretending to be a couple might not be as difficult as you feared. And having Alan by your side would undoubtedly make the experience more bearable.

"Alright," you said finally, a small smile playing on your lips. "Let's do it. Let's show Michael what he's missing."

Alan's face lit up with a genuine smile, his eyes twinkling with delight. "That's the spirit," he said warmly. "We'll make it a night to remember."

As you continued your walk, the weight of Michael's message seemed to lift, replaced by a newfound sense of determination and excitement. With Alan by your side, you felt ready to face whatever challenges lay ahead, including your ex's wedding.

The next few days were a whirlwind of preparation. You and Alan discussed your plan in detail, rehearsing your "couple" act to ensure it would be as convincing as possible. You coordinated your outfits, planned your arrival, and even rehearsed a few affectionate gestures and inside jokes to make your performance seamless.

On the day of the wedding, you felt a mix of nerves and excitement. Alan arrived at your apartment, looking dapper in a tailored suit that accentuated his distinguished features. He gave you an approving once-over as you stepped out in your elegant dress, his eyes filled with admiration.

"You look stunning," he said softly, his voice carrying a hint of awe.

You blushed, feeling a rush of warmth at his compliment. "Thank you, Alan. You don't look too bad yourself."

He offered you his arm, a playful glint in his eyes. "Shall we, my dear?"

You nodded, slipping your arm through his as you both headed to the car. The drive to the wedding venue was filled with light-hearted banter, helping to ease your nerves. Alan's presence was a calming influence, and you felt more confident with each passing moment.

As you arrived at the venue, you took a deep breath, steeling yourself for the challenge ahead. Alan squeezed your hand reassuringly, his eyes filled with unwavering support.

"Remember," he said gently, "we're in this together. Just follow my lead, and everything will be fine."

You nodded, feeling a surge of gratitude for his unwavering support. "Thank you, Alan. I couldn't do this without you."

With a shared look of determination, you both stepped out of the car and made your way to the entrance. The moment you walked in, heads turned, and whispers filled the air. You could feel the curious gazes of the guests, but with Alan by your side, you felt a newfound confidence.

As you made your way through the crowd, you spotted Michael across the room, his expression one of shock and confusion as he saw you with Alan. You took a deep breath, your resolve strengthening. This was your moment to show him that you had moved on, that you were better off without him.

Alan leaned in, his voice a soft murmur in your ear. "Ready to make a grand entrance?"

You nodded, your heart pounding with anticipation. "Let's do this."

With Alan's arm securely around your waist, you approached Michael, your smile confident and poised. "Michael," you greeted him, your voice steady. "Congratulations on your wedding."

Michael's eyes lit up with a mixture of emotions, but he quickly composed himself, a polite smile forming on his lips. "Thank you, [Your Name]," he said, his voice carefully controlled. "I appreciate it. And Alan, it's good to see you."

Alan's expression was one of polite indifference, reminiscent of one of his on-screen villain roles. His intense gaze seemed to pierce through Michael as he greeted him with a curt nod, his arm remaining firmly around your waist. "Michael," Alan acknowledged, his tone cold and measured.

You could feel the tension between them, and you leaned into Alan for support, your heart racing with a mixture of nerves and excitement. Michael seemed a bit flustered by Alan's presence, his composure slipping slightly. "If you'll excuse me," Michael said, his voice a bit strained. "I need to greet the other guests."

Suppressing a laugh, you watched as Michael hurried away, clearly rattled by the encounter. Alan's grip on you tightened slightly, a subtle gesture of reassurance. "Well, that went better than expected," Alan murmured, his voice laced with amusement.

You smiled up at him, grateful for his unwavering support. "Thank you, Alan. I couldn't have done this without you."

Before Alan could respond, a group of wedding guests approached, their eyes wide with excitement as they recognized both you and Alan. Among them were several younger women who seemed particularly starstruck by Alan.

"Oh my gosh, it's Professor Snape!" one of them exclaimed, her voice filled with awe.

Alan chuckled softly, a hint of amusement in his eyes. "Yes, well, I'm afraid Professor Snape isn't quite as charming as I am in real life," he said, his tone subtly self-deprecating.

The women giggled, clearly delighted by his response. "We loved you in Harry Potter," one of them gushed. "You're such an amazing actor!"

Alan gave them a gracious smile, his baritone voice warm and inviting. "Thank you, ladies. I'm glad you enjoyed the films. They were quite a remarkable experience."

As the fans continued to gush over Alan, you couldn't help but feel a pang of admiration for him. He was so effortlessly charming and kind, making each person feel special with his attention. It was no wonder you had a little crush on him; it was hard not to be captivated by his presence.

One of the women turned to you, her eyes shining with excitement. "And you're so lucky to work with him! What's it like?"

You smiled, glancing at Alan with affection. "It's incredible. Alan is not only a brilliant actor but also a wonderful friend. I'm very fortunate to have him in my life."

Alan's eyes softened at your words, and he gave you a gentle squeeze. "The feeling is mutual, [Your Name]."

The conversation continued with more fans approaching, eager to meet both of you. Alan handled the attention with his usual grace, making everyone feel at ease with his witty remarks and genuine interest. You couldn't help but admire how effortlessly he navigated the situation, his presence a calming influence amidst the excitement.

As the night wore on, you found yourself more and more drawn to Alan, his charm and kindness only deepening your feelings for him. The way he looked out for you, the way he supported you without hesitation—it all made you realize just how special he was to you.

Finally, when the wedding ceremony began and everyone took their seats, you and Alan settled in the back, observing the proceedings. The ambiance was serene, the air filled with the soft murmur of guests and the gentle strains of classical music. You found yourself stealing glances at Michael, your thoughts a mixture of lingering pain and newfound strength.

Alan, sensing your tension, gently took your hand in his, giving it a reassuring squeeze. His presence was a comforting anchor, and you felt a wave of gratitude wash over you. Leaning closer, Alan whispered in your ear, his breath warm against your skin, "Do you remember that movie we made together where our characters got married at the end?"

You turned to look at him, a small smile tugging at your lips. "I remember," you replied softly. "You were quite charming in that tuxedo. Definitely sexy."

Alan's eyes twinkled with amusement as he looked at you, but your next words came out before you could stop them. "No wonder I missed the scene on purpose just to kiss you more times."

Realizing what you had just confessed, you froze, your cheeks flushing with embarrassment. Alan's expression shifted from amusement to something deeper, but before he could respond, the entrance of the bride saved you from further awkwardness.

Everyone stood, including you and Alan. As the bride made her way down the aisle, Alan leaned in once more, his voice a hushed murmur in your ear. "Did you really mess up that scene on purpose just to kiss me more times?"

Your heart raced as you quietly hissed back, "Be silent, Alan. The bride is entering."

Alan obeyed, but you could feel his amused gaze on you, the heat of his presence almost tangible. The ceremony continued, and you found it increasingly difficult to focus on the proceedings with Alan's question lingering in your mind. The truth was, you had indeed missed those scenes intentionally, unable to resist the allure of his kisses, the way his touch made your pulse quicken.

As the ceremony progressed, you felt Alan's hand gently squeeze yours again, his thumb brushing over your knuckles in a soothing gesture. It was a silent promise, a reminder that he was there for you, regardless of the complicated feelings now simmering between you.

As the judge performed the ceremony, his voice a solemn backdrop to the picturesque garden setting, Alan leaned in once more, his breath warm against your ear. "You didn't answer my question, [Your Name]."

You ignored him, your gaze sweeping across the beautiful garden where the wedding was taking place. The fragrant blooms and lush greenery created an almost ethereal atmosphere, but your mind was too preoccupied to fully appreciate it. The ceremony continued, the judge's words blending into the background as you tried to steady your racing heart.

"Do you, Michael, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, as long as you both shall live?"

Michael's voice, firm and confident, cut through your thoughts. "I do."

Just then, you felt Alan's hand gently rest on your knee, a gesture so intimate and unexpected that you couldn't help but turn your attention to him. Your eyes met, and you were a little surprised to see how close your faces were to each other. Alan's hazel eyes, sometimes shifting from brown to green with the changing light, held you captive, their depths revealing an intensity that took your breath away.

"And do you, Jennifer, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, as long as you both shall live?"

Jennifer's soft, clear voice responded, "I do."

But you could no longer focus on Michael's wedding. You only had eyes for Alan, mesmerized by his gaze. His presence was magnetic, and you found yourself drawn to him in a way you hadn't fully acknowledged until now.

The judge continued reciting the ceremony, his words a distant murmur as Alan leaned closer, his voice a low, intimate whisper. "I've been in love with you for some time now, [Your Name]. And I would love to try something with you if you want to."

His confession caught you by surprise, and you felt your heart skip a beat. The ceremony, the guests, the entire world seemed to fade away, leaving only the two of you in that moment. Alan's words echoed in your mind, their sincerity and vulnerability leaving you speechless.

"In the presence of these witnesses, and by the power vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride."

Applause erupted around you as Michael and Jennifer shared their first kiss as a married couple, but you barely registered it. Alan's eyes searched yours, his expression earnest and hopeful.

"Alan," you whispered, your voice trembling with emotion. "I... I didn't know you felt that way."

Alan's hand tightened on your knee, his thumb brushing over your skin in a soothing gesture. "I've wanted to tell you for so long, but I was afraid of losing what we have. But seeing you here, so beautiful and strong, I couldn't keep it to myself any longer."

Tears welled up in your eyes as you realized the depth of his feelings, feelings you had always hoped for but never dared to believe were reciprocated. "I... I feel the same way, Alan," you admitted, your voice barely above a whisper. "I've been in love with you too."

A slow, radiant smile spread across Alan's face, his eyes lighting up with a joy that mirrored your own. "Then let's not waste any more time," he murmured, his voice thick with emotion. "Let's make this work. You and me."

Before you could respond, Alan leaned in, his lips capturing yours in a gentle, yet passionate kiss. The world around you seemed to fade away entirely, leaving only the warmth and tenderness of his embrace. His lips were soft and inviting, and you found yourself melting into the kiss, your hands coming up to rest against his chest.

The kiss deepened, filled with the promise of a new beginning, a future where you and Alan would no longer have to hide your feelings. It was a moment of pure, unfiltered emotion, and you knew that from this day forward, everything would change.

Unbeknownst to either of you, a fan in the crowd had discreetly taken out their phone and was filming the two of you, capturing the intimate moment as it unfolded. The camera caught the way Alan's hand gently cradled your face, the way your fingers tangled in his hair, and the undeniable connection between you.

As the kiss finally broke, leaving you both breathless and smiling, Alan rested his forehead against yours, his eyes filled with love and determination. "I love you, [Your Name]," he whispered, his voice a promise.

"I love you too, Alan," you replied, your heart swelling with happiness.

The fan, realizing they had captured something truly special, quickly put away their phone, eager to share the video with the world. Little did you and Alan know, your love story was about to become the talk of the town, a beautiful testament to the power of love and the magic of unexpected moments.

#alan rickman #alan rickman x reader #a little chaos

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starry-eyes-love · 9 months ago

Text

Blood Within Me

Masterlist Series Masterlist

Ch. 9: Blood Within Me

Pairing | Joel Miller x F!Reader, post outbreak

Summary | You have a bad period and Joel comforts you. Can read as stand alone or as part of My Journey To You Series.

Word Count: 2.5K

Warnings | Mentions of f!reader on her period, mentions of period pain/cramps, talks of pregnancy, reference to gynecological problems, soft!Joel, Joel comforts you, terms of endearment, fluffy. Series is 18+ Minors DNI, but this chapter doesn't have that warning.

A/N: Here's for all my fellow women who have bad periods with cramps. Wrote this one while on a period from hell. Hope you find it comforting, enjoy

Dividers by @saradika-graphics

“I’m here, baby. I’ve got you,” he whispered gently into your ear. He also grabbed your one leg and placed it on top of his hip. His hand then came to your lower back where he was gently massaging the hardened muscles, while his other hand was around your shoulders and gently rubbing his hand up and down the top of your spine. He then started to gently rock you, back and forth, back and forth, to get the pain to subside.

You remember growing up hearing the older folks talk about the night. About how dangerous the night was during World War II, during Nazi Germany. Your grandmother was a child that lived in Germany, and didn't come to America until the end of World War II. You used to be fascinated by her stories, about the way the world was, so different from your own when you were younger. But now, it seemed like history repeated itself, but in a much more cruel way. Now the night, even in its peacefulness, meant death more times than not, if you weren’t careful.

You laid awake in the middle of the night, looking out the window that was in the room both you and Joel were sharing. Domestic life right now in an apocalypse had its perks, but with it came dangerous problems and concerns. Safety, usually out in nature, was something that no one took lightly. Darkness meant hidden shadows, hidden dangers, and always someone on watch. Now in this cabin, darkness meant safety, but it also meant severe complications in survival when one laid in it, awake, while experiencing pain.

You looked up at the window, at the moon’s bright glow that was casting long shadows across the silent space. The only sound you heard was the sound of Joel lying next to you, softly snoring. Life was getting harder, food was something that was becoming more difficult to find. You and Joel were taking turns walking longer distances to obtain food. Larger wildlife was harder to find recently due to the larger snowfall that had occurred, and the lack of tracks seen in the snow. Yesterday, Joel thought he hit the jackpot by killing a small doe. With proper rationing, and turning the meat into jerky, the three of you would be able to stretch the food out for a few weeks, a month if it was absolutely necessary.

As the night continued, you became more restless. You slightly kept rustling the bed sheets as you tried to find a comfortable position. After readjusting the bed sheets for the fifth time in the last ten minutes, you were unable to find a comfortable position to relax in. You laid there quietly, feeling your eyes well up with tears at the constant throbbing of your stomach. You didn’t feel good, on your period and bleeding heavily with horrible menstrual cramps. You wished for a heating pad, and medication that could work. Something that could take the pain away besides the tearing and razor cutting feeling in your lower abdomen that you have felt for most of the night.

You were frustrated, sleep not taking you and if it did, you weren’t able to stay sleeping for longer than 15 minutes. You’ve been awake most of the night, and by your guess, you believed it was around 3 am in the morning. You haven’t had more than maybe 20 to 30 minutes of sleep all night, and it was your turn to look for food again. You felt tears begin to form in your lash line. You were frustrated from the lack of sleep, pain, and exhaustion that was taking over. You didn't want to be the one to leave in the morning, and you didn't want Joel leaving either. You just wanted your pain to stop, and for you to get some sleep.

When you went to move again, you felt a hard stab of pain and discomfort hit your lower abdomen. As it hit you, you let out a high pitched whine, holding your abdomen tight, while a sob left your throat in pain. You weren’t a baby when it came to pain, you were someone that had a high pain tolerance. But right now, you felt like you couldn’t handle or deal with it anymore. You didn’t realize that with your vocal expression of pain, that the man sleeping soundly behind you heard it.

Joel had been sleeping soundly for once, something that usually wasn’t easily seen. But his eyes snapped open at the noise that you made. He thought that he heard you whine. As he slowly came to, blinking his eyes while looking up at the ceiling, he allowed his body to awaken, and his senses to take hold. Taking a deep breath he turned his head to the right to look at you. You were curled up in a ball, facing away from him. Joel thought you were sleeping yet, as you barely moved. He rubbed a hand down his face, exhaling slowly at the thought of hearing someone whine in the darkness. It must have been a dream or somethin’, he thought to himself. But then he heard it again, followed by a quiet sob that escaped your lips.

Joel propped his arm up on the bed and partially sat up. He reached for you and turned you gently on your back, so he could look at you in the face. When he saw you were awake and crying, he got concerned. Here you were, curled up on the bed, whimpering and crying. He scanned your body quickly, taking in your tear streaked face and facial expressions, trying to determine the source of your discomfort. He saw you were gripping your lower belly, not releasing your hands, even though you were now laying partially on your back.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Joel said with a deep raspy voice, one that was still laced with sleep.

“It’s…it’s my cramps, they’re really bad this month” you said, jaw clenched and a hand pressed tightly to your lower abdomen as tears kept welling up in your eyes.

“Oh c’mere baby,” Joel said, gently grabbing you and moving you to lay on your side where you were facing him. He tucked you gently into his chest, and placed his belly tight to your belly for heat. You have always told Joel that he was like a furnace anytime that you cuddled up with him. Heat just radiated off his body, something that always came in handy during the cold nights when you two would share a sleeping bag together while traveling. Now Joel was trying to do the same thing, but this time he was hoping his heat from his abdomen would warm your lower tummy to give you some pain relief.

You had buried your face into his chest, inhaling his scent that was a mixture of pine, cinnamon, sweat, and Joel as you softly wept. Joel held you, slowly reassuring you that you were “doing so good” and that the pain would eventually stop. Joel could feel how tense your body was, especially with each new wave of discomfort that you were experiencing.

"It hurts so much, Joel," you murmured, softly against his chest.

"I know, baby. I know," he said soothingly, now running a hand through your hair and gently kissing the top of your head. "You've got this darlin’, it’ll pass. Trust me, just one breath at a time baby, ok? Shhh.”

He continued to hold you as wave after wave of your period pain came and went. He had asked you if you took anything for it and when you said yes, he just held you even tighter, and got you to focus on breathing through it.

“I j-just wish I could get pr-pregnant to stop this” you said, hiccuping from sobbing so hard. Joel immediately tensed and pulled you back to look at you. When you refused to look at him in the face, he took his index finger and placed it underneath your chin. He gently tipped your chin upwards, looking at you in the face. He knew pregnancy was something that could help with bad menstrual cramps. He remembers Sarah’s mom being told by doctor’s after Sarah was about a year old that she should try for another baby to help stop the pain of her periods. Endometriosis, a condition that causes endometrium (part of the uterine lining) to get outside of the uterus, usually would cause horrible pain like this. Hormonal therapy and pregnancy, besides a hysterectomy, were the only solutions that were offered pre-outbreak.

Doctor’s at the QZ would also make this same statement. They did with Tess, and Tess had opted for a hysterectomy of her uterus instead of wanting to try to have kids with Joel. Joel didn’t know how he felt about the whole kid topic then, and he surely didn't know how he felt about it right now. Kids were a complication that he couldn't afford to have at the moment, for obvious reasons, so your comment completely surprised him.

“Darlin’, I-” Joel said, looking in your eyes with concern lacing his features.

“Joel, just forget about it. I'm sorry, I’m just being stupid,” you said, closing your eyes and tilting your head downward. You didn't want to have this conversation now with him. He sat there examining your features as another wave of pain hit, and your lower lip started to quiver slightly.

Joel noticed the movement and said, “Fuck baby, come ‘ere.” He pulled you closer to his chest, holding you for a few minutes before he spoke again.

“Baby, it’s not safe. Maybe, maybe in civilization once again, if it's safe, but not out here like this. Ok?” he said, referencing the child and pregnancy topic. He felt you stiffen and cry in his arms. Joel knew that when you got cramps bad like this that you got extremely emotional and sensitive. He knew talking about difficult topics, like children, marriage, survival, etc. was hard. He learned a long time ago that if the discussion could wait until later, then that's what he'd do. No sense in working you or him up more about something that didn't matter at the moment.

“Hey now, what's with all the tears?” Joel said gently, pulling back and looking at you. You looked at him with tired, red puffy eyes. “Yeah, you haven't slept, have ya baby?” You didn’t respond , but shook your head no. “That's what I thought, c’mere” and Joel gently tucked you back into his chest, rubbing soothing circles on your back, while starting to hum your favorite lullaby to you.

After a few minutes Joel felt you slowly start to relax. He whispered in your ear “we’ll discuss it all later, okay mama?” You gave Joel a gentle nod with your head as you took a deep breath in. Your cramps were slowly starting to dissipate, Joel's body acting like a heating pad.

“There ya go, darlin’. Doin’ so good f’me.” Joel said, as he felt you completely relax in his arms, knowing that the pain was finally subsiding for you. "You're amazing, ya know that?" Joel whispered in your ear, while slowly kissing your neck.

“How?” you asked gently, taking a deep breath and calming down as sleep slowly crept in.

“Cause despite all of this shit happening in the world and to you, ya still are standing strong, holdin’ your head up high, and fighting for life darlin’,” he said.

“How is having menstrual cramps surviving Joel?” You questioned, not understanding the connection or what he was meaning by his previous statement.

Joel, shaking his head and letting out a huff, pulled you back so you could look at him in the eyes. “Baby, the strongest muscle in the human body for a woman is her uterus. It’s the giver of life, the reason why we still have hope in this goddamn forsaken world. It’s what gave me my baby girl Sarah, and what gave me you. To bring a child into the world, honey, that is nothing short of a miracle. And the pain you experience right now just reminds us of that beautiful gift that can happen when a man and a woman-” Joel trailed off and was desperately looking into your eyes, praying that you saw and understood the amazing gift that you were carrying. The gift that gave him his baby girl, and one that gave him you and Ellie.

“I get it Joel, it is a miracle, the miracle of life. I am grateful. But if I’m being honest, this thing ain’t no miracle of life if I can’t let it do what it was created to do,” you said, hoping Joel understood where you were going.

“Baby, I-” Joel said, shaking his head gently and trying to clear the thump that was caught in his throat.

Taking in his conflicting statements and body language, you knew Joel enough to know that he was confused and having a clash between what his heart and brain felt. Not wanting to spark an argument, you just simply said, “it’s okay old man, probably wouldn’t work for ya anyways. You’re probably shootin’ blanks at your age now, ya old dinosaur,” you said, teasing him and hoping the joking would help ease any uncomfortable tension that you may have caused from your previous statement about children.

“C’mere wiseass, I ain’t shootin’ blanks, now knock it off and go back to sleep before I send ya outside with that damn old dinosaur statement.” He said, kissing the top of your forehead while turning you around and spooning you from behind. He laid his hand on your lower belly, slowly stroking it, envisioning it starting to swell from a baby he could put in there. A child he could have once again. That thought excited him and scared him all together, something to think about for a later date.

“I love you Joel” you whispered, snuggling in next to him and finally letting sleep take you. Joel laid there and listened to your breaths slowly even out, going in and out very slowly. When he knew you were asleep he leaned forward and whispered “You’re gonna kill me woman, ya know that. I promise,�� I’ll give ya everything that you want, even if it’s kids. But first let me find us somewhere safe.”

With that admission Joel finally was able to relax and go back to sleep. It was always in the dark that you and Joel could find strength, comfort, and peace in one another. The darkness might be something of fear for many, but it was the only place that both you and Joel could strip back your layers and be honest with each other. It allowed you both to bleed a little bit for the other person with your emotions, to share those intimate thoughts safely. It is where your unwavering promise to love each other began, and it was the one place where nothing could rip away your happiness (or so you thought).

End Story

Taglist: @punkshort @shotgun-shelby @strawbunnyx @orcasoul @pedritoferg @chiogarza @jesfreedark @untamedheart81 @rainbow12346 @nandan11 @swiftpascal @eliza-8 @joeldjarin @vickie5446 @nastiasnow @staywildflowahchild @ratoonstown @l3laze @its-always-420-on-the-moon @kirsteng42

Strikethrough names won't let me tag :(

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peachesofteal · 1 year ago

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Hey Peach!!

I just read the ultimate angst post you made and I'm literally not ok but I absolutely love your writing. You write angst so so well it's astonishing and I strive to write at your level one day.

But I can't get all these possible scenarios out of my head about that au so I thought I might share them with you.

So I'm thinking Darling is going to the motions of grief and anger as the boys leave and so decides to ignore them completely. Like she goes ghost mode on them. They text her their apologies on the day their leaving and for obvious reasons can't keep in touch after that.

Darling is a complete mess for the first couple of months after their departure. Living in that apartment alone would become too much for her. Every nook every coner holding precious memories of their times together. She would cry looking at the knick knacks they'd left behind accidentally. Fantasizing about what could have been if she had told them, If they hadn't decided to break up on the spot without consulting her, if they had communicated better. But it's too late now, their gone and she can't even let them know she's pregnant, not that she wants to anymore after being dumped like that.

She decides eventually to pull herself together for herself and her growing child. An apartment move was very necessary for her mental well-being so she decides to move somewhere her child can have a fulfilling upbringing. A fresh start somewhere where she isn't consumed by their memories. Somewhere that doesn't remind her of them when she's walking through the park where she would pick wild flowers together with Johnny to put in pretty vases on the dinning table or going to their favourite grocery store and shops looking for ingredients to try new recipes together which might not always turn out great. Or when the local pub owners ask where her pretty men are when their away on ops. Those little things would chip away at her if she had to think about them constantly.

So she moves and begins her difficult and lonely journey as a single parent but still trying to enjoy all her first milestone of her pregnancy. She goes to these wellness classes for expecting mothers where she has to watch couples enjoying their pregnancy together while she sits there all alone. It's difficult to attend these check-ups and classes but she manages for the sake of her child. She might have a little gender reveal by herself or with some friends but in my head darling might go to a bakery with the little slip of paper the maternity nurse had given her and asks them if they could make a cupcake with the adjacent colour filling on the inside so she can celebrate at home, probably with some nice food and her favourite movie. Deciding the name of the child, painting and decorating a nursery, going clothes shopping she wishes she had them there with her as much as she doesn't want to admit missing them, she also might cry alot along her journey but she is constantly learning as she goes along to give her child the best possible life she can provide. But as her mental health fluctuates she finds it increasingly difficult to take care of herself as she nears the due date to give birth.

All this is happening while the boys are on their very difficult and taxing mission. Trying their best to stay alive for each other while dealing with the guilt of hurting darling the way they did . They try to rationalize their decision to break up with her to dissipate their growing guilt but to no avail. They're constantly thinking about her, wondering how she's faring, if she's eating well, if she's recovering from the hurt they caused. They hope to come back alive to talk to explain their reasoning for their decision and try to make it up to her again. Not realising the darling they had left behind was long gone by the time they would get back.

Sorry for going off on a tangent I hope you enjoy my little take on your au. The real angsty parts comes when they get back a realize she's gone for good. Thanks again for blessing us with your writing 💗

I am throwing writing tools at you! Books! Notebooks! Pens! Paper! Laptops! Disco baby au 18+ Mature themes.

I love all of this, but one thing that really sticks with me is the image of Darling, sitting at the kitchen table, alone with a cupcake. You don't have a party, don't have friends over, you just go to the bakery and get this one, singular cupcake, made for yourself.

And then, when you finally get home, after a way too long day at work, your body sore and back tired, you sit down in front of it.

You always thought, that if you were to have a baby, this is something you'd do with your partners, if you even chose to do it at all. You always envisioned not finding out, leaving it for a surprise when the time comes, but this... none of it feels right. None of it feels like it should, and you think that means you shouldn't wait. You should get to know, right now, since there's no one else to share it with, no one else who even cares.

So, when you finally cut into it, and finally see that stupid color on the inside (because also, screw this whole concept to begin with) you don't feel joy. Or excitement. You feel crippling sadness, and you rest your head on the table as you start to cry, cradling your belly with a hand when the baby starts to move.

This was supposed to be good. We were supposed to be happy. You can't not think about the way Johnny would whoop and cause such a ruckus at the news, the way his eyes would light up and how he would pull you in for a devastating kiss. You think about Simon, and the way his eyes would grow wet, even though he swore he wasn't crying, how he would hold you and tell you how happy he is, how much he loves all three of you now. You, Johnny, and little baby girl.

You can almost see them, in the flat, almost hear them, and if you close you eyes, you can picture them sitting on either side of you, holding your hand, kissing your skin slowly. Making you feel loved. Making you feel safe.

But they're not there. You're alone. You, and little baby girl, doing it on your own.

#peaches asks #peaches writes #disco baby au #ghost x soap x reader

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ironunderstands · 4 months ago

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AAAAAAAAA

Genuinely I feel annoying as fuck for saying this but like I can’t stand the way anybody else but me or my mutuals writes Aventio/Ratiorine 90% of the time

So, to vent my frustration, here’s a not in order at all bulleted list of stuff I absolutely despise when seeing content of them. This is not to call ppl out or anything, I just wanna rant about my preferences lol

oh and cw: mentions of slavery, nsfw, suicidal tendencies and non-con

-one or both of them being way to horny/flirty

Maybe this could work in content with an established relationship, but like, these guys don’t fuck, I’m sorry, they don’t. They are the biggest virgin losers ever regardless of if they have had sex in the past or not. Some of yall don’t get that they were acting in Penacony for the most part and Aventurine’s flirtiness didn’t have any weight behind it, he was really just messing with Ratio. I think if he were seriously trying to court Ratio, he’d probably be LESS flirty, but that’s just me. I understand why people make nsfw of them without any kinda buildup because well it’s fun, but for me personally I don’t really like it 90% of the time, however I fully get this is a me thing. I can tolerate it more in fanart bc well it’s fanart so yeah there’s not gonna be 3000k words of lore behind it, but like if I’m reading a fic and Aventio go from not even being in a relationship to having sex on a whim it just confuses me.

-yandere anything

I despise this trope already but it makes me 100000x more annoyed because holy shit neither of them would be a yandere I get it some people like this but WHYY THEMMM it doesn’t make sense. Yandere Aventurine makes me even more mad bc why the fuck would he make someone suffer like he did when he was younger???

-emotionless Ratio

Idk why half the community treats Ratio like he’s an unfeeling logic robot who’s sole goal is knowledge even when the game beats you over the head about how he’s the exact fucking opposite of that, but honestly I think this is just a symptom of the fact that a lot of ratiorine writers don’t give two fucks about him at all and he’s practically written as a plot device for Aventurine’s characterization.

-misunderstanding why Ratio is a tsundere

I’ve seen a lot of people misinterpret how and why Ratio is a tsundere towards Aventurine, citing it as if he doesn’t want to be associated with him/looks down upon him/is ashamed to like him when that’s really not true at all. Ratio respects and cares about Aventurine a hell of a lot, and he isn’t shy at all to show it when it’s necessary (see DSAIWYTBOL or the “if you can’t hold on any longer then tell me”). However, the reason he pushes away Aventurine isn’t exactly personal (although Aventurine’s closeness to him is part of the reason why).

Rather, Ratio tends to downplay his close relationships a lot, likely as a defense mechanism, as he admits himself that he isn’t good with people in one of the dialogue options with trailblazer for the express visits. Now why he is this way is a subject of speculation because Ratio rarely ever talks about himself, and the only character who actually has a voiceline on him is Aventurine himself, so it’s very hard to get an outside perspective on him. His character stories don’t really help that much either, as they are more about his personal philosophy and journey in life rather than his personality.

However, taking what Ratio says towards Aventurine at face value when he has proven the opposite (especially considering how the trope of the tsundere is kinda centered on the character in question spouting bullshit) results in people completely misunderstanding their relationship which can get REALLY annoying. Ratio doesn’t think Aventurine is an idiot in the slightest, he just worries about how his methods put himself in danger, not his capabilities.

-fast burn

You’re telling me these emotionally constipated idiots will get together easily? No. There’s a reason I write the most crazy bullshit happening to them before a confession scene and that’s because that’s the only way you can get them to confront their goddamn feelings quickly.

-slavery aus/anything like this

Self explanatory. If you have fetishized Aventurine’s past or made stuff like this please stay 1000 feet away from me at all times or block me. Thank you 🙏

-babying Aventurine

He’s one of the most competent members of the cast, but somehow people act like his breakdown scene in 2.1 is how he behaves 24/7 when that isn’t true at all. Aventurine is incredibly smart, and single-handedly clawed his way to the top. He does not need Ratio to save him. Would he appreciate Ratio’s support? Of course, and he definitely needs loving relationships in his life, but Aventurine isn’t a damsel in distress and not everything in his life is miserable and related to his trauma.

-or the horrible reverse of babying Aventurine: his trauma doesn’t exist actually and he’s perfectly fine/ they write him like it never happened

This one is rather rare and it has overlap with a few of the other points (seriously I’m gonna tweak out the next time someone writes the character who is implied to have survived sex trafficking being a person who would even dream of crossing others boundaries). Usually this happens because people treat Aventurine’s playboy mask as if it’s his actual personality and not traits he picked up to survive and succeed at his goals, and while admittedly even Aventurine is losing track of where the mask ends and he begins, some of y’all take it wayy to far even going on to unironically call him a fuckboy when he’s anything but that. The thing is, I think this happens when people erase who Kakavasha is from their minds, and act as if that side of Aventurine is a purely innocent child and all the “bad” parts of him are part of Aventurine’s mask. However, that’s not true, and Aventurine’s most admirable traits ARE Kakavasha’s. His strategicness, his intellegence, his bravery, these are all traits he possessed long before becoming Aventurine of stratagems, something which he demonstrated when he for example got his sisters neckless back, or made that bet with his first enslaver.

Aventurine’s purity and Aventurine’s capabilities are not separated between Kakavasha and Aventurine of Stratagems, both of those qualities ARE Kakavasha’s so if you are going to write him with the mask off, you have to write BOTH, not give into one or the other.

The things I tend to drop when writing him with the mask off are his false compliments and niceties, acting like he really gives a shit about the IPC’s goals, turning down the flamboyance and cockiness to reasonable levels and making him seem less like he’s playing pretend. Honestly I don’t think it’s that hard yet this is still a pitfall I see a lot of people stumbling into.

-Ratio talking like a goddamn encyclopedia

I understand he’s like that sometimes, but he also is well versed in internet lingo and seriously nobody unironically talks like that 24/7 because it’s pointless, and Ratio doesn’t use big words to seem smart, he uses them when they are necessary.

Like I’m sorry but if they are in a middle of having sex and unprompted Ratio starts talking like a biology textbook I’m closing the fic and running around my room screaming BECAUSE GOD IS IT CRINGE. Promoted it can be funny because yeah I can see him doing that but oh my god HE WOULD NOT SAY THAT I don’t even want to give an example it pisses me off that bad but trust me it’s a common phenomenon AND I HATE IT

-Aventurine trying to kill himself 24/7

He isn’t an active suicide risk every goddamn day of his life, he’s just self destructive and those are TWO DIFFERENT THINGS.

Yes, he tested if you could die in the dreamscape several times, but that’s because one of the favorable outcomes for his mission WOULD BE DYING in the dreamscape. He’s not doing this during a normal work week and even if I believe he still has suicidal tendencies, he’s not gonna throw his life away randomly or over nothing

-Ratio holds authority over Aventurine in any capacity

No, just no. Like the only other thing he might have over him is being intelligent, although they both are smart at different things so even then does it matter? Like I’m sorry but normal human with the ability to float and make imaginary constructs versus LITERAL FUCKING STONEHEART is not a fair fight on Ratio’s end. It doesn’t matter that he’s physically larger than Aventurine, muscles don’t mean shit in a sci-fi setting, especially when your opponent can just summon 3 bajillion coins to drop into your head at a whim and there’s nothing you can do about it. Not like Aventurine would ever dream of hurting him, of course, but seriously people need to stop acting like their different in stature really means anything. Even in terms of position, Aventurine probably outranks him so this false sense of authority people apply to Ratio in their relationship is confusing at best.

Hmm, well that’s all the things I remember to bitch about although I probably have more complaints. To be fair, whenever they aren’t written like incredibly smart people who are idiots hopelessly in love with one another when together I pop a blood vessel so most of these (besides THAT one) are non issues and if you have made/enjoyed these don’t feel ashamed because of my opinions. I needed to let out my inner grinch every once and awhile, so thanks for reading

#aventurine #dr ratio #aventio #ratiorine #this whole post is just #HE WOULD NOT FUCKING SAY THAT #HE WOULD NOT DO THAT #AAAAAAAAAAAAAA #to enjoy Aventurine/Dr. Ratio you must defeat the 7 evil mischaracterizations #It hurts when your own people don’t get it 😞#Like Noo this isn’t why they are appealing STOPP #I think the Aventurine ones hurt the most though #Because even if Ratio is my baby girl favorite character of all time for some reason Aven’s mischaracterizations irk me more #I think it’s because they make his character really obvious so seeing it done so wrong is annoying

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foxyaries · 3 months ago

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The Journey Of Manifesting My Fairy Companion

So I think it's about time to talk a little about my fairy companion I've mentioned in my other posts :)

If you've read my previous post, you know my first goal was to shift. It was almost successful, too, until my insecurities got the best of me and I got distracted by other things.

Soon after, I discovered a "Manifest A Fairy" subliminal. (Unfortunately, the sub-maker deleted her channel too. I got to know her too and she wanted to focus on other things). And that's when I saw it as my other solution. I've actually got results with that too. :)

So a little about my fairy:

Name: Lily

Size: 7 inches in her fairy form but also has a human disguise if necessary.

Type: Wish granting fairy, water, forest (overall nature), and animals fairy.

My fairy Lily is mainly going to be my best friend, companion, and advisor when needed.

Lily herself is extremely funny, silly, beautiful, and a little mischievous. Can be protective too. Me and her will be able to communicate telepathically so she won't be around me all the time. She will have her own little life and I will have my own. Unless we hang out of course or I need her help with anything.

My results:

Unfortunately, I've been going through some things these past few years so while I never gave up on her it's been on and off. And I know it's going to happen because my best friend's spiritual companion told her that it all depended on me. If I got Lily in days, weeks, months, or 5 years, any time really. It depended on me. So me and my best friend a really looking forward to seeing her now that I've gotten my motivation and determination back.

The RESULT:

It might sound like there is an explanation to some of you but trust me I've asked around and it had to be her. So this happened during the first few days of my manifesting her. Me and my friends got to class (at that time they didn't know about her) and our seats got changed so I sat in the middle at the very front while my friends sat closer to the window a little farther behind me. I was just listening to the subliminal with one earbud while listening to my teacher when all of a sudden I heard this weird loud buzzing behind me and it kept getting closer. At first, I assumed it had to be a bug but when I glanced to each side no one seemed to react and I didn't want to embarrass myself so I tried not to move and ignore it. The buzzing didn't stop. Even the guy sitting beside me had absolutely no reaction so I remember just being confused. And as quickly as it started the buzzing stopped. I tried to hear it anywhere else in class but it was gone. After class I asked my friends if they saw any bug flying around, I mean the buzzing was so loud they had to have seen it right? Guess what, they didn't... not only that.. they didn't even hear the buzzing! So it must have been me. I mean I know my friends looked towards me cause I tried to casually touch my hair behind me to check if there was anything in it and even glanced back at my friends and there was nothing. It was the craziest experience. I see no other explanation other than it had to have been my fairy Lily.

I have not experienced a crazier result than that since but my other best friend who was also manifesting a fairy at that time has. However, that's not for me to talk about it.

That's kinda all about my fairy companion for now:) Next time I talk about her I hope it's going to be when she's finally with me!

Love,

Foxy 🦊

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boywifesammy · 3 months ago

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spn fic rect fest - 9

AUGUST 31 - all time favourites

we’re here, the big fest finale !! i tried to keep this list short but alas it got out of hand... pls go read them because they’re all wonderful and be sure to give the authors your thanks and kind words :) as before, i've tagged authors that have their tumblr public on their ao3. if you'd like me to remove the @, just lmk. @spnficrecfest for more info on the event.

dead dove & sensitive topics under the cut. TWs are given where necessary.

Touch Me Like a Razor Blade by ADeedWithoutaName (@a-deed-without-a-name) Sam/Dean, 18k, E [underage]

"For as long as he can remember, sins have caused Dean physical pain." in my mind this fic is in the golden hall of wincest fame. the idea of materializing dean's guilt is SO CRAZY and ingenious given he is THEE guilt character. especially in a story about the taboo of incest. dean's internal struggle in most wincest fics is already so delicious and painful but to make it a physical sensation that he is constantly aware of puts this perfect bow on him as a character. also because sam DOESN'T KNOW until so late into the story. are you kidding. also an actually GOOD example of bdsm!! a masterpiece, go read it and show the author allll the love!!

The Road Rhythm Outro by brokenlittleboy Sam/Dean, 50k, E [violence]

"A routine hunt goes horribly wrong. A curtain fic dealing with permanent injury, angst, and various types of trauma, and fluffy domesticity." this is my favourite permanent injury fic! the author clearly researched a lot to make it accurate and that makes it hit so much harder. there's not only the initial grief and pain, but also the recovery journey, and a thorough exploration of sam's struggle after his injury and how it effects his relationship with dean.

The voicemail by tattooalecki Sam/Dean, 3k, E [noncon]

Sam masturbates to the infamous S5 voicemail. #1 for hottest samdean smut fic. PLUS a voicemail fix-it! this particular niche of humiliation kink is my fav and i haven't found any other piece of writing that does it quite so well. it's hot and captivating while still feeling in-character. if this sounds like your thing as well then definitely check this out because it's insanely good!

snuff by chinablue (@mpregjohnwinchester) Dean/John, Sam/Dean, 5k, E [underage]

"There's nothing good on TV, and Sam's contemplating killing his father again." i had to control myself from putting all of china's fics on this list. she is SUCH an amazing writer and the way she writes johndean is my absolute favourite in the fandom. this fic manages such a delicious balance between hot, violent, possessive and horrific. i don't know how she does it! @-@

Tethered to You by lily rose/annabeth Sam/Dean, 32k, E [TW necro, violence, major char death, noncon]

"Sam wants Dean, but he'd like him even better dead." yes, this is necrophilia smut. BUT- it's also a character study and an insanely interesting look into the psychology of paraphilias. i firmly believe sam would be into something weird given the way he grew up, and the author really displays that in an accurate way. 10/10 most tasteful necrophilia i have ever consumed.

the one percent by deadlybride (@zmediaoutlet) Sam/Dean, 9k, E

Dean finds out that Sam's too big for most condoms. my fav take on the bigdick!Sam fanon. there is something soo hot about a guy being too big to be contained... it rolls perfectly into sam's gentle giant thing where he's sooo big and powerful yet quiet and unassuming. also sizequeen!Dean. whats not to love.

Brittle by thecapn Sam/Dean, Sam/Jess, 30k, E [TW ED]

"Sam Winchester has an eating disorder." so- i couldn't reread this fic when i was putting together this list. not because it's bad but because it is so beautifully written, raw and accurate that i couldn't read it again because it got me worked up. it's really that good. the ending manages to be positive without feeling preachy, and at the same time has that lingering pain of how difficult recovery is. massive tw for eds obviously, but if you can stomach the content then this is a must-read fic.

I have to live here by Goshen/applecrumbledore (@goshen-applecrumbledore) Sam/Dean, 30k, E

An angel erases Dean's memories, but only the ones about his relationship with Sam. silly amnesia fic from the one and only applecrumbledore. there's some angst as well where we get to see sam's grief over losing his relationship with dean and dean working through all the roadblocks they had to overcome to finally get together. as always the characterization is perfect and the writing is so engaging and witty.

Lima Syndrome by guestwho (@guestwho) Sam/Dean, 20k, E

Sam has extensive facial scarring from the fire. John locks him away, and Dean is as usual, not normal about him. holy SHIT i cannot rave enough about this story. it's one of those fics where you read it and wish there was more or an actual book about it because the author's writing is so compelling. it's an interesting take on the whole sam/dean codependency thing with an angle that's less supernatural focused. also freak!sam in this is sooo captivating and the smut gave me shivers, just go read it, i promise you won't be disappointed!!

hello by allwellandgood Sam/Dean, 4k, T [major chara death]

Dean's dead but his ghost lingers. Sam struggles to reach out to him. this is such a depressing but hopeful fic. it broke my heart the first time i read it, especially considering how dean dies in the finale. in my mind if dean ever died he would refuse to pass on and stay with sam just like in this fic.

With A Bit Of Spit And Luck by elsi/Prince_of_Elsinore (@prince-of-elsinore) Sam/Dean, 7k, E [underage]

"Teenage boys cooped up in a cabin in the dead of winter with nothing but each other and an ancient porno on VHS to keep them warm." weecest smut extravaganza. i loveeee the trope of dean being sam's sexual awakening. the idea of them in a little cabin together while dean shows sam scratchy low quality porn is amazing and the execution of it in this fic is perfect.

lay my bones beside his bones by adastreia Sam/Dean, John/Dean, 6k, E [TW CSA]

Dean has a rape fantasy. Sam indulges him, and things come to light. a perfect mixture of smut and hurt/comfort. i also love how sam & dean's hell trauma is integrated into the johndean CSA. the scene where dean says 'dad'- i genuinely felt my stomach drop. haven't had a reaction like that from fanfic in a LONG time !! very well-written.

#oc #spnficrecfest #supernatural #spn #wincest #samdean #deanjohn #the full house of wincest #dean winchester #sam winchester #john winchester #favourite fics #character study #dead dove do not eat #fanfic rec #fic rec

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multiversal-wanderings · 4 months ago

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How you might unknowingly be holding yourself back from shifting

I’m reading “The Power of Your Subconscious Mind” by Joseph Murphy and wanted to share this quote - it really relates to limiting beliefs, and I even added an example based on my own experiences.

“X” could be a failed shifting attempt.

If I believe everything happens for a good reason, then I must believe my failed shifting attempt occurred for a good reason.

I have always believed in the concept of divine timing, but I believe it to be malleable, rather than fixed.

If you have been stagnant in your shifting journey for a long time, it is possible you’re manifesting your own failure, as your mind accepts failure as a necessary event the universe is testing you with. That you may only shift when deemed “worthy” or “ready”.

I am quite guilty of this myself.

Of course the antidote is to affirm that there is nothing in your way, and that there is no requirement to fulfill before shifting.

Always be gentle with yourself. But remain firm in the fact that you are just as capable as anyone else. If a 13 year old can shift after learning about it from DracoTok and trying it on a whim, then you absolutely can as well.

Happy shifting ♥️

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malwaredykes · 5 months ago

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the untapped Enemy Of The State Potential is one of boones best funniest traits tbh like ok since im in charge of Awesome Flawless FNV Remake Available Exclusively On My Beautiful Mind im rewriting boones personal #journey arc primarily by expanding on it because i mean yeah fatalistic thinking and the question of agency vs authority and having to live with having done something inexcusable and The Denying Of Closure are good themes but to me theyre not enough here. that lack of closure about something that really intrinsically can never entertain the idea of closure is all well and good, but... lets keep going lets put a pin in that. lets turn once again to boones potential for becoming wanted by the ncr government. boone i know you want to go apeshit. its time to admit that its always been about the system youd been conditioned into never questioning and which you continued to mentally cling to as you felt there was no other purpose or direction to your existence in the wake of all the disastrous events in your life. but its time to develop a grasp on your agency as a human being boone. and yes some of that is going to make you feel worse because, Well. The Complicity. bitter springs. but you know what, it is also freeing and the right thing to do. release your inhibitions feel the rain on your skin. youre already there just look around you. youve cut the ropes that held you back, now its time to rip and shred the ropes that still are wrapped around you. its there. youve physically gotten out. and its time to evolve. "now if iiiiii were to assassinate the president 🤔" i know you want to. im not saying you should but i know youve thought about it before. "guess that settler was well-connected" yes isnt that fucked up i know you think thats fucked up. and oh your friend the courier just did something fucked up at mccarran and all these ncr soldiers and staff are trying to shoot them? of course its the courier youre defending when faced with the immediate choice i mean if its between "fuck the ncr. die" and "fuck the person im ride or die for because theyre a force of destiny that entered my life to change it one way or another and now i care about them deeply. die" well of course youre choosing the path of Leave My FACKING FRIEND Alone You Beasts. but of course the situation doesnt have to be this immediately dire. it doesnt have to stem from an immediate danger to your new object of loyalty. we dont have to let it go down this particular route. no need to have something this drastic happen. you can reach this conclusion simply by giving into the desire youve repressed for years to go apeshit at the ncr government and every arm of its hegemony. that bubbling rage? that "if i let this fester inside me im gonna do a fucking murder-suicide about it"? that in a certain timeline you do in fact end up doing a murder-suicide about? thats not just hateful desperation. thats a feeling, hitherto bottled up and unrefined and volatile, that you should allow to breathe and photosynthesize and grow into something beautiful and true and let it blossom and bear fruit. boone, there is no need to feel alone and helpless and directionless in your unfulfilled desire to cut the umbilical cord.

so. enough rationalizing things as rotten spots and necessary burdens in an otherwise inevitable righteous system, you knowwwww thats pure bullshit. my advice, do some reading. reading is fundamental, and luckily for you, you literally know a very literate anarcho-communist. i can guarantee you that you could walk up to arcade and be like "👉👈 hi gannon soooo i want to get into critiques of capitalism and of the military, and into anarchism and other leftist theory. i want to know about Other Ways to run things. could you give me some recommendations? for books and essays and so on. thanks" and he would be like "boone, yes. Absolutely. yes. i will prepare a reading list for you. gosh." and youll be given a stack of books, with notes and a directory. however, if you two are currently on really bad terms to the point where he doesnt wanna talk to you at all, hey, theres other followers of the apocalypse that would be happy to help. providing education is literally one of their main things. either way, youll finally feel vindicated about things that used to make you feel like you were just going insane. boone you werent going insane you were in fact being onto something. baby that time you saw an ncr military police on the strip facing away from you and there was a loose brick on the ground and it was calling to you like the green goblin mask? that time you were at camp forlorn hope and folks kept saying shit like "that red beret is looking good soldier" and you didnt respond or even look at them because you were focused on containing the urge to grab them by the shoulders and start shrieking? well you see those are actually instincts that tell us you have potential. you have the power to end these patterns. you want to. you need to. thats where you should go. theres a world of ideas waiting for you to tap into and be liberated by. you have nothing to lose but your pitiful pension (you can even keep the beret like who cares). there is so much you can do. its not about allegiance or moral debt or soothing personal guilt, its about doing the right thing. there are so many paths in front of you. also youre trans. like, that one also isnt just you going insane, its real and its right and its you, you are transgender

#craig boone #catherine boone #had to make it catherine flavored even if it means a narrower audience of the post. so what. so what. shes real.

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imustbenuts · 2 months ago

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nuts reading in jp 11 - wrap up for vol 2 + i can talk about TriStamp undertaker wolfwood a little!!! whooo!!!

its been hella weird to read trigun in japanese since my first read was in english. i think i dug out a few extra stuff i didnt know existed in the work during this little journey. (thank you for joining in on my rambles!)

no real translation word related stuff today. mostly culture stuff dump.

but man i was right on the money when i said vash was stressed in #10. i forget he actually falls unconscious after dominique quits the narrative. yay~

me after i finish these posts at 5am every time

and then, him.

🥺✨✨raidei the blade. ✨✨ 🥺

listen. this guy. this fucking guy is, personally, the funniest guy in the entirety of trigun. for that line above in the 98 anime, and also for some stuff he represents. ...and it's not for larping reasons. ill get into that another day, please look forward to it. (i say this knowing his backstory was rough.)

anyway its time.... for Wolfwood's 'job change'.

in the manga he introduces himself as a tradesman Priest. it doesnt make much sense to outsiders but despite people getting confused, it mostly gets hand waved off as the guy being a little eccentric. and also prideful.

we then get more information about that being a cover for him being one of the Gung Ho Guns, Chapel. he can fight, hes an assassin, his job is to somehow get at Vash while being technically employed by Knives.

this wolfwood has absolutely no struggle with himself as a Priest specifically. heck, its even giving him some confidence bc he actually knows his stuff and can get by with those priestly things alone. at least, i assume so, bc otherwise the pride thing would be very misplaced as he is revealed that he really wants out of the insane GHG business, and wants nothing to do with his coworkers, as it were.

but TriStamp Wolfwood is... different in that pride regard

this version of wolfwood introduces himself as an Undertaker. he's technically a Priest, but he clearly lacks so much pride that he chooses to be an Undertaker.

the narrative tracks since he's the guide to send Vash to hell in tristamp, but theres at least 1 more layer to this.

so, Shinto! Shinto has played a very big part in Japanese culture and history since idk the beginning of Japanese history, affecting society and culture and governance.

key thing for this post: Shinto has a concept named Kegare/Defilement, which you can think of as an accumulation of evil energy. bad energy. bad enough to attract misfortune, evil spirits, and evil evil evil bad bad bad. (ive actually written about this in video game context before if you wanna read it here)

Kegare is generated upon death, blood, menstruation, and all that. in some modern media, Kegare can also be depicted to be generated by an accumulation of negative emotions from people. but for the longest time, it was mainly Death. (oh and somewhat also women with the whole uh.... you know, menstruation, childbirth, and stillbirths etc.)

but: Kegare is NOT sin, and should not be seen as such.

old japan governance also used Caste System. so combine that with shinto, and society and here's the not fun stuff: we now have a discriminated class of people who did all of society's very necessary but deemed dirty jobs. these are the Butchers, Leatherworkers, Executioners, and Undertakers. (which is wild. a society would not be able to function without them.)

they are shunned, deemed too dirty, too tainted, too polluted to ever have a hope of having a better life. since social mobility wasnt a thing with Caste System. and coming too close to them means pollution on the self too.

the Caste System got abolished, and today the descendants are called Burakumin 部落民. they are still being discriminated against to this day. the remnants of the dirtiness with certain jobs still remain, especially with jobs that involves the dead. its also possible to know who is a descendant of one through family names, which can be used to trace family registry and sus out old residences etc.

youtube

feel free to watch the above video for a clearer explanation by a japanese man instead of just taking my word for it >_>

back to wolfwood.

studio orange making him go from Priest to Undertaker is likely rooted in a logic associated with this. that TriStamp wolfwood lacks the confidence to have a strong identity outside of GHG, whereas manga wolfwood has. that TriStamp wolfwood really does think of himself as trash and worthless even before outsiders' judgement, whereas manga wolfwood's struggle is more about an internal struggle of being lost.

manga wolfwood is also never truly free from his identity as Chapel until the very end.

but TriStamp wolfwood gets a full contract saying that hes free from Chapel (i assume!)

i think theres also additional implications but im losing braincells by the minute. the change makes so much sense and tracks so well that apart from the confidence thing, everything is more or less intact.

(worth possibly nothing also, I think TriStamp wolfwood isnt fully checking boxes of uhhh Normality in japanese context. hes dressed in a mess, hes not clean shaven, his skin is kinda dark and not fair, he speaks in non-standard japanese. but ymmv, he will be ok in kansai at least, but not fully fitting in in Capital Tokyo nor ex-Capital Kyoto.)

i also, admittedly, dont know much about the culture surrounding death and undertakers within the states or europe so i cant comment much on that aspect. im aware i must have missed something. on that front, sorry D:

anyway thats all i got for now! thanks for reading this long ass post! EDIT: IMPORTANT ADDITION - Baptism parallel with Shinto

#trigun #trigun stampede #trigunbookclub #Youtube

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