#wait is this a remix of that old sword fight game song

[guerilla935]

The Advantage Of A New IP

In the fashion of it being a brand new year we get asked a pretty general and not at all specific question. What game do you want to see this year? In every new years edition podcast and youtube channel this is hot debate. Of course in your mind you have limited options. You say to yourself, do I want a sequel of something we already have? Has a production company that I’ve heard of before not made anything in a while? You can only answer in what you know. And in the most recent years, the devs have been listening. Do you want The Last of Us Part 2? Naughty Dog will deliver. Expecting a new Legend of Zelda game? Nintendo will probably keep making them until the sun super novas so you are good there. But you would never answer that question with: “I want a (insert adjective here) game.” I mean you might, in which case you must have a very specific itch to scratch good on you for knowing what you like. In any case I will valiantly fight for every game that is still on the drawing board that is not a number 2, 3, or 4. Not a sequel or a prequel. Not an HD remix 2.5 remake. This is why we need to be excited for original games that still have yet to be conceived in a game engine or drawing board.

CD PROJEKT RED

To prove my point I am going to break down what makes CD PROJEKT RED’s The Witcher series so indigestible and why it is so popular now. This company makes a very good video game, but if you jumped into The Witcher 3 you would have been pelted with so much lost exposition that you have already lost interest by the time you have killed the Griffin which is where every person I have talked to (including myself) has stopped playing that game the first time they had picked it up. The game plays very non traditionally, the combat is scarce, each battle takes crafting and social preparation that is tiresome if you were not expecting to work so hard to get to the action, and the travel time is tolerable but not the greatest thing. But the story is amazing and you are waiting on that to pull you through. However we are looking for Yenefer, who is that? Why is this old guy following me around? Why does everybody hate me? Kaer Mohren is uh, a place? Not anymore? The story comes in at a weird place. So you say okay lets go play the first two games, wrong, the first game is unplayable if you have updated windows since windows 10 came out. You could have an awesome time playing just The Witcher 2 and then 3 but lets assume that you just gave up. Fast forward to 2019 and Netflix releases the first season of The Witcher series based on some fantasy novels written by a Russian dude in 1993. Whether you liked the show or not you and 100,000 people actually start playing through The Witcher 3 because you know who Yenefer is, you kind of know who Vesemir is, you know why everybody hates you and how to deal with it, and you have that catchy song stuck in your head. My point in all this is that until a Netflix series taught you how interesting this story and this world is you and most people had every intention of not touching the game at all. CD PROJEKT RED has now announced a cyber punk crime drama starring Keanu Reaves, it is also based on a lot of prior source material but the average player like me would have no idea about that kind of stuff. It sounds awesome and it probably will be, but it is gaining a lot of steam because it’s new and exciting and we can dive in blind which is an awesome feeling.

The Remake

Three of 2020′s most anticipated games are full remakes. Final Fantasy VII, Doom Eternal, and Resident Evil 3. Before we have this argument I’m not going to admit that Doom Eternal is not a remake because it really is, it is awesome plot-less demon shooting and as long as they keep using the Doom name it is all just a remake of Doom. The problem with the hype for these games is that it is hinged on if the fans consider Final Fantasy VII (2020) to be as good as their memory of Final Fantasy VII (1997) and people have pretty exaggerated memories. Doom Eternal also has to upstage Doom (2016) and Resident Evil 3 (2020) has to be better than Resident Evil 3 (1999) and make more improvements than Resident Evil 2 (2019) which will still disappoint fans because Capcom wants to make it more action based which is what killed the franchise back in 2009. But what is really sad is talented writers are adapting content for a modern generation when they could be writing new content for a new era. Video games age worst out of any type of media and I am glad that these are getting restored but we are seeing so much effort put into showing our kids why we were crying when we changed from disc 1 to disc 2 in Final Fantasy VII that we may not get to see Final Fantasy XVI until the far future.

Hideo Kojima

Before I start this section I want to say that Hideo Kojima is one of my personal favorite people. As soon as Mads Mikkelsen and Norman Reedus got hypnotized by Hideo Kojima to work on Death Stranding the games development cycle that involved nobody, not even Hideo Kojima, knowing what in the heck what was being put together in his offices made so much noise in gaming that it could not fail. There are a few games that need only a few seconds to prove that they are worth playing and having Norman Reedus incubate a baby on screen and nothing else is probably the most surreal experience anyone has ever had seeing a game trailer. This original IP whether you loved it or hated it was really exciting to live through the launch of, and when we see game trailers in the future I can only hope that they are as exciting as this one.

The Difference

So what is the difference between seeing a trailer for Final Fantasy VII (2020) and seeing a trailer for Ghost of Tsushima? For me the difference is that when I see Cloud appear with the buster sword I am excited to know what they kept, to see how they improved it. When I see a samurai on screen do crazy ninja moves and disappear I want to see more, a lot more. I know what to expect from the next Legend of Zelda, I know what to expect from Call of Duty, for Assassin’s Creed, and I love when they do blow those expectations away. But when Naughty Dog sends me a YouTube video of the Planet Earth clip where the ant goes psycho and grows a mushroom out of its face then the game comes out and I never knew it would be so sad and intense and rewarding it is unlike anything else. We spend most of our time as gamers anticipating the next rush and I can tell you exactly what it’ll feel like to play the next Doom or Metroid Prime but I will never be able to put into words the next time I will get to play a new game for the first time will be like.

[rational-mastermind]

I’ve been meaning to make a review about Breath of the Wild for a while, but at least wanted to wait until after I finished the shrines.

SCREW. THAT.

I’m gonna just say it up front; it’s not one of my favorite Zelda games. I mean, yeah, I have a personal history with Majora’s Mask, but that’s not the only thing. I’ll start at the beginning, under the cut. Cause this is gonna be long-winded.

I’m not gonna make a lot of complaints about how it sucks in comparison to Ocarina of Time or make too many mentions about the timeline issue, cause we all know that it was bullshit since the moment they said anything. But there are just...so many things that bother me.

I will say that Breath of the Wild has a lot of great thing going for it and it’s easy to be impressed when you first sit down to play it. The graphics are gorgeous and the voice acting was done very well. There are so many wonderful little bits of lore, call-backs, and even general mechanics of the game that just made everything amazing. (I was so fucking excited to jump without running off a ledge.)

However...there was a lot of the story itself that bothered me. Not to mention a few other things. One of which, was the music. Or....serious lack thereof.

One of the things I loved the most about Zelda, was the music in nearly every game. Background music is very essential in making up the environment of any level. From your typical fire temple, to underwater, to creepy ghost town. And for Zelda, it wasn’t even just that, but that song itself had a large to-do with a lot of the lore and story. Song tells others you have something to do with the Royal Family. It changes the universe around you. It soothes the dead. Not just in Ocarina of Time either. So it was really weird to...not have any of that in Breath of the Wild.

Yeah, we have some soundtrack but..it felt so..threadbare. When you go into a shrine/town/battle, I barely register the music. Walking through the open field...nothing. When I’m galloping on the Lord of the Mountain, the fast-paced piano feels more high-tech than race-horse and makes me feel uneasy about a guardian lurking nearby. Then when you DO face a guardian, or any mini-boss of a monster, it gets so fucking intense, so damn fast, I was worried about challenging a Hinox for the longest damn time. (Geez, I felt stupid for that after I realized how easy they were to beat.) Everything just felt...off. And it was weird that you didn’t have to repeat any song 10 fucking times. I mean, yeah, I was really sick of Elegy of Emptiness after going through the Stone Tower in Majora’s Mask, but I’ll listen to the 50th remix of Song of Storms. It was like...one of the few things that kept the whole timeline thing connected. It was that there was always a harp, there was always a song, there was just...something that connected us to the higher powers. And it’s kinda cool for a game to give something like music, so much power.

But I’ll stop bitching about that and get to my real problem. The story.

Now the basic crux of it, I’m fine with. They attempted to beat Ganon, failed, and had to pay the price 100 years later. Cool. That’s interesting. A nice premise. But gosh DAMN if the details don’t fucking trip me up! Let’s run through this chronologically.

Okay so Zelda, being the nerdy princess that she is in this life, discovers that yeah, they reincarnate every several hundred years and beat an evil known as Ganon. There’s supposed to be her, the physical embodiment of the goddess Hylia, and Link, a young knight sworn to protect her. Hooray, self-awareness.

Apparently, she also discovers that, what was it? 1,000 years ago, the Sheikah... the shadow people who are skilled ninjas that protect the family...built 120 shrines, robots, and massive weapons of terrible destruction...just to help beat this one guy that two kids and a magic sword handles on a regular basis. Actually no, I shouldn���t just say it’s two kids and a magic sword.

It’s a knight with a magic sword, three pendants, six sages, and the final seventh sage (aka the fucking goddess-child) that defeat the Evil.

It’s already upsetting enough that the Sheikah are stupidly advanced in technology (cause ancient magic tech from the gods is always the way to go...), and that the 1,000 year span makes the whole timeline thing confusing as FUCK (even if it is in the broken world timeline), but that they just...do that. They just fucking dissed the fucking premise for like, so many of the games. You find three pendants/orbs/stones/things, the master sword, six sages, and then help Zelda. Thanks for reducing everything else to nothing. Thanks for making 6 sages fucking nobodies. And yeah, I’m gonna harp on that.

One of the things that was nice about Ocarina of Time is that the 6 Sages became one from each race. In Link to the Past, it was the descendants of 6 powerful wizards. In Wind Waker, it was at least the last 2 other species left alive after the whole flooding incident (cause those three gorons are gonna fucking die and I wanna cry thinking about it). It just...it made sense.

So why. The fuck. ARE WE RELYING ON ONLY THESE FOUR????

We still have the Sheikah and the Koroks. What, just cause Impa’s old now? Cause the Korok’s are tiny as fuck? That never stopped anything before. We could’ve had Purah, or Paya take up the mantle. If size was an issue, how about Hetsu? Koroks can choose their shapes and try to put on brave faces. Saria was willing to help with the fight. Makar was willing to go through a whole temple to help. I don’t see what makes this generation a bunch of pussies! What the great and all-knowing fucking Sheikah just..FORGOT about the other sages???

Like, don’t get me wrong. Again, there’s a lot of good. I wouldn’t say gorons would be my favorite race but dammit I love Daruk and I love his grandson. They’re just sweet and adorable as fuck. (and I have a weakness for soft-hearted big-guys. ^//^) I’m glad they fixed the Rito’s appearance (though I hate Rivali’s fucking attitude). I liked their stories and their powers. But you could’ve at least rounded it out to be EVERYBODY. And further more, as great as it was to see their spirits put to rest, it doesn’t make a lot of sense for ghosts to pilot giant robots. It could’ve made a bit more sense for maybe the later generations to take up the mantle and help out. (Since that’s what a lot of them seem to imply.) It would’ve been kinda cool to go through the Divine Beasts with the Next Gen and let them help us fight the blights and let them take control.

Also on a fashion note: WHY THE FUCK IS EVERYTHING BLUE?? Thanks for dissing Farore. I guess she wasn’t a very important Goddess! Certainly not the one that LINK correlates to. Yeah, I get it, he’s supposed to get his signature outfit later, but I’m gonna get back to that problem in a bit. You could’ve at least kept the design and made it fucking GREEN.

Cause yeah, I get it, it was supposed to signify their unity and shit and that’s great and all, but BLUE had a purpose and that was WISDOM. Link isn’t WISDOM. He’s COURAGE. That was the whole rite of passage thing in Wind Waker!

Also, Zelda. Zelda, babe. Hon.

Zelda... What the FUCK ARE YOU WEARING???

Like, DAMN girl’s got hips for DAYS but do we really need the thicc shown in fucking leggings?? I mean, okay, her normal princess outfit is fine. Would’ve liked it to be a liiiiitle more traditional, but whatever. You look the part. And her normal adventure outfit is...okay?? It doesn’t look very practical nor comfortable for travels so it seems a little weird?? It just looks really uncomfortably tight and really draws attention to the thighs. But see, it’s the fucking Goddess getup that I have the most problems with.

Like, I’m just gonna start with saying that she looks fucking pregnant.

The empire waist wasn’t a good choice, especially cause she’s already just so damn thicc. And then you mix it with a sleeveless top and you have these fucking layers that just exaggerate the hips in the most unflattering way possible. I’m not saying she needs to look sexy but for a goddess, she could’ve looked more elegant? I’m sure with some kinda alterations, this would’ve looked great, or maybe on a different body, but like! I don’t like the dress for Skyward Sword either but at least she looks more goddess-like than this! (and that was a VERY boring dress...) She looks like Ariel putting on that sail cloth when she turned human. I mean, she could’ve had like, three-quarter sleeves with a v-neck or sweetheart neckline and then let the skirt flare out with the Hylian buckle around the waist. But this looks.. it just looks uncomfortable. I wouldn’t wanna practice goddess magic in this either.

So aside from forgetting about important races and a lack in fashion design, then you move on with the story. So since Zelda’s such a nerd and cause she lost her mother when she was younger, I guess that means I should feel sorry for her long-ass struggle with her goddess powers but um... I’m not. I don’t feel sorry for this woman. I just feel annoyed. I feel very annoyed every time I run all over Hyrule, trying to find these fucking memories, only to get five minutes of her bitching at US for her own failure.

Link is a soldier. And on top of that, he’s burdened with the heavy duty of carrying the Master Sword. HE is the one who has to fight Ganon. And instead he just runs around escorting Princess Twilight Sparkle while she geeks out over learning and frogs and then insults him, yells at him, and pushes him away from doing HIS FUCKING JOB. Unlike her, LINK IS DOING HIS JOB. I don’t blame him for shutting the hell up while she bitches and cries. I’m gonna side with Zelda’s father on this one, she found out about the prophecy, but SHE NEEDS TO DO HER JOB. Not for the sake of reputation (which seemed unusually dickish for him to say....) but because that’s her damn job. Everyone else knew what it meant to be a soldier. They knew when to dig in their heels and get ready to fight. WHY. DIDN’T. SHE?? Or at least why didn’t we see her trying like she kept talking about?? Yeah we saw her pray to ONE FUCKING FOUNTAIN. And it wasn’t even supposed to be her damn goddess! The whole mess wouldn’t have happened if she had just SHUT THE HELL UP and thought about someone else besides her own problems.

Also, if you were gonna show the tender moment where she finally does unleash her powers, maybe you SHOULDN’T make that a “secret ending” after you run around and try to guess where the rest of the memories were based on poor-quality pictures. And yeah, Zelda. you took a lot of shoddy pictures with that damn tablet. HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DIFFERENTIATE ONE FOREST FROM A THOUSAND OTHERS??

Maybe I would’ve felt more sorry if I didn’t have to climb through a fucking castle full of guardians, avoid tripping the cut scene, and THEN read in a long-ass diary about her mother dying, but you know, that just didn’t happen. I don’t feel sorry for her. I don’t feel excited for her to unleash her powers. Actually, I’m rather sad that despite the games being called “Legend of Zelda”, I REALLY didn’t wanna focus on THIS incarnation of her. The idea of it would’ve been fucking fantastic, but did Nintendo really have to make her such a whiny bitch?

Okay okay okay. Now before you send me hate mail, I will point out some things I like about her. She had a nice voice. She was cute (in a good outfit). And she wasn’t a total bitch. It was a good idea for Nintendo to try to focus on the titular character for once. I just don’t see this excusing all the other problems though.

Moving on, I mentioned earlier how I hated Rivali. That was the understatement. I am so glad he fucking died at the hands of one of the easiest damn bosses. I know some people may have liked him but I can’t stand ego. It’s an immediate turn-off and the sad part is that he had a sexy design and voice. He could’ve been redeemable if he showed some kinda humility after being dead for 100 years, but no. They just...didn’t give him that. Not willingly at least. Again, this is where I would’ve LOVED the next generation to take up the mantle instead, but... Yeah. No. We didn’t get that. (And I swear he was jealous that Link had Mipha and Zelda’s affections. Especially Zelda’s.)

Urbosa was good, but I felt like we didn’t get to know her personality too much? And the same goes for her grandchild. Also even though the Gerudo are known for hating men, they HAVE accepted men into their clans before. What happens if these women marry?? They have to leave town? Link was genuinely accepted as one of the Gerudo in OoT and was free to walk around! And that was just for debunking their strongest warriors. BotW!Link saved the whole fucking town, saved one from dehydration and another’s husband, and is a renowned champion! You think that would give him a get-out-of-jail free card!

I already talked about how I liked Daruk cause he’s definitely a strong leader and a gentle-soul. I do like the Goron City but it feels a little weird how....corporate they became. I mean, it makes sense. They can make a good profit from the gems they harvest but it’s still a little weird considering how tribal and relaxed the gorons were before. Still, they were a cute bunch and I really liked going to Goron City again.

And Mipha was sweet and I really loved her one-sided relationship with Link. I felt really sad thinking about Sidon growing up without his sister and I see why everyone shipped him with Link. Sidon himself was pretty good but....personal preference dictates that a super excited, extroverted, supportive type...doesn’t suite me. Don’t get me wrong. He’s very sweet and cute and I can see why a lot of fangirls were into him. It’s just the over-exuberant extrovertedness that gets to me. Also I was really surprised that this game made the ZORAS racist, out of all of them. I mean like, fucking damn... I know your princess died but fuck! Finally, last note, I...really didn’t care for their designs. I know the Zoras have been through a hell of a lot of redesigns over the years and they’ve certainly improved, but I think Ocarina of Time’s era was just enough of Fish and Human to make it a good hybrid? Rather than making...a shark..humanoid...with another shark...on his head?? And somehow related to a whale??? With a...manta ray...for an advisor.. I mean, I get it, he was suppose to look old, but it’s literally just a stingray on his head.

I liked Hetsu too, though collecting korok seeds is kinda annoying. I hate it when games make you have to gather more for just one thing, it’s just..not a fun mechanic to have? And the koroks themselves are still cute, though it’s taken me a while to accept that they replaced my beloved Kokiri and Dekus. (I only had OoT/MM growing up, so when I finally played Wind Waker as an adult, yeah I was pretty upset about the change in the species.) I still wish they had a bigger role to play in all of this.

Lastly, Ganon had a pretty great design, though it was a little weird he was like...semi-solid for this game. Like.. What? What was with all the...”malice”? (Which is an actual word, guys. You could’ve called it something besides that...) I really liked how he merged himself with the technology and it was interesting that he was controlling the guardians, but honestly when she said “Given up incarnation” I was a little disappointed he still went by Ganon cause you know... His original form wasn’t called Ganon. It was called Demise. Also for having a giant smoke-pig with a huge gaping mouth hovering around the castle, it would’ve been a little more interesting for him to...still retain that when you walked in? But design aside, fighting Ganon wasn’t actually all that hard after you freed the Divine Beasts and it’s...a little disappointing. I mean, I’m running around, fighting lynels and dragons and guardians and really, I had more trouble with THOSE than I did with HIM. And that’s REALLY disappointing when Ganon is the long-standing Ultimate Bad Guy (tm) and I was REALLY looking forward to feeling more accomplished beating him than I did when I beat a silver-maned lynel.

Finally some last complaints:

I wish the Sheikahs didn’t have their hands in everything. Who said that THEY should determine who Goddess Hylia’s chosen hero should be? Why were THEY the advanced race when you have one that harvests iron on a regular basis? And I hate that they don’t have any actual temples cause one of the things I liked about the whole thing is that there was a running religion and the Sages and Temples actually had some significance? Even though it’s pointless, I like history and archeological search in a game, even if I’m the only one doing it for my own amusement, cause it just helps me to connect more to the world that I’m playing in but I don’t get that when I walk into a weird-ass abyssal room with small puzzles or fights.

Also there are seriously WAY too many fucking shrines. None of them make any sort of callback to old games. The spirit orb system is confusing cause if that’s a callback to Skyward Sword, then at least say it was by Link’s own doing and not these dead monks that have been preserved in suspended animation for 100 years. Why didn’t Link do the shrines to start with 100 years ago? Also I HATE that you have to collect 4 spirit orbs for hearts or stamina. I mean, we all know stamina sucks, but this just making it REALLY obvious? And seriously it was so fucking easy to die early on into the game, especially if you ran out of stamina or were still fumbling with the new controls.

Why didn’t he ask more questions in this game? If you have voice acting, why didn’t you actually give Link any dialogue? I think that would’ve made a stronger impact for Zelda to get her powers or something.

Seriously the three dragons bug the shit out of me. I know they were supposed to represent the goddesses and it was really cool to first come across them and shit but 1) it’s really hard to keep up with any of them. 2) they don’t really add anything to the plot. 3) was Zelda supposed to pray to a dragon?? 4) Did the dragons from Skyward Sword just like...de-evolve? (devolve?) Cause they spoke and wore clothes??? Why didn’t these??? 5) (and this goes to Skyward Sword too) why is the one who represents the fucking forests, you know, FARORE, have lightning powers? I think Pokemon already took the cake with mythical creatures representing Fire, Ice, and Lightning. This would’ve been better with Fire, Water, and Grass, y’know?

I fucking cringe looking at the map cause it feels like so much it just out of place... Like, how do you move a whole Forest from the south to the north? Why is the volcano moved like, way far to the back? The WHOLE Lake Hylia was moved like, so far from the original spot. Really the only things that stayed in place was Hyrule Castle and Gerudo Desert.

Also don’t give us giant skeletons and then NOT ACTUALLY EXPLAIN WHAT THEY REALLY ARE. Leviathan is not just a blanket term for Giant-Ass-Monster. Was that the Dodongo King at the volcano? The Sky Dragon from Skyward Sword?? What the fuck froze to death? Why was that and the one in the desert more similar the one at the fucking volcano??

Seriously your mini bosses shouldn’t be harder than the Ultimate Bad Guy. The blights were harder and I especially had trouble with the lynels and guardians. And seriously WHY was there a fucking guardian on the fucking Plateau?? I was fucking terrified of these killer robots and it’s seriously unfair that I barely ever get any proper armor or shields to deal with them! Also seriously, why did there have to be a whole graveyard of them right underneath a stupidly challenging maze??

Also I don’t mind teleporting everywhere in a game, but when there’s literally secrets over every last inch of this game (from shrines to korok seeds to weapons, food, and needed pictures) it gets REALLY boring to travel on foot. Especially when climbing mountains in freezing conditions. I mean, I love that it’s so open-world and I love that we get to go exploring whatever we want, but there are a few problems with that. The other being that it’s hard to follow the plot of a game when you hardly have any reason to go do it or to follow any intended order. I did Rivali last, not because I wanted to, but because I didn’t bother to explore that side of the map until it was all that was left. I WISHED SOMEONE SAID SOMETHING EARLIER IN THE GAME CAUSE THE GALE WOULD’VE HELPED TREMENDOUSLY.

Finally I swear someone on the staff has a giant fetish, and not that there’s a problem with that? But can we have ONE game where the Great Fairies aren’t horrifying to look at?? Like, if some people like it, fine, I guess? But gosh damn these bitches just look so GAUDY. There’s too much glittering, there’s too much...just too much everything. Also you should be able to up all your armor, not just a few things? It would’ve been awesome to walk around as Shadow Link and have it upped to be at least decently protective.

Okay.. I think I’m done complaining. Now I’ll stop my own bitching and actually give the game its proper praise.

The game does have some amazingly gorgeous graphics and it blows me away every fucking time. When it does want to intimidate you, it does so very well. And so many things were designed so well. Despite earlier complaints, I love how the dragons were designed to vary from one to another. I love how all the baddies were designed. I love the large array of wardrobe that you get for Link and it’s so much fun to change his looks and dye them different colors. (though, again, you should be able to dye the Champions tunic to GREEN.)

Some of the characters were fun and had some great personalities. I liked the bits of lore this game generated. I also loved whatever small callbacks it did make (like mentioning Naboru, and Makar’s island). I liked that you could catch and ride so many things and it’s fun that there’s a motorcycle (I haven’t unlocked that yet, but I’m sure it’ll be fun ^^). It was fun exploring different worlds within this game and just really see some of these beloved races expand and grow and see how the world is affected by such an apocalypse.

I like hunting for your food and surviving that way rather than random hearts coming out of the grass. The whole sense of survival is pretty awesome and thrilling. It’s fun to discover things in this world and it’s fun to just go around, explore, and make up your own adventure. (I just wish there was a bit  more guiding for the story...)

Some of the reactions in this game are so much fun. Like walking up to people naked, or riding the Lord of the Mountain to any stable. Actually that entire story about the Lord of the Mountain is really sweet and heartwarming. But the actually dialogue that’s written into this game is really fun and pretty spot-on.

I really liked the side mission of buying your own(old?) house and creating an entire village from the ground up. It was such a sweet side-story to the whole thing and was a lot of fun to to. The other side mission of helping the korok through the woods was super cute. ^^ It was little moments like these that really did make me enjoy the game. And I did like being able to stumble into Zelda’s room or study and read about her life in the past, seeing her figure out Link and such.

And the challenges of conquering the Divine Beast was actually fun, but again, would’ve liked a bit more direction. Actually getting through this game was kinda fun, but it was easy for the magic to get sapped out of everything with stupid shit.

Overall, I wouldn’t say this was the worst Zelda game. Heaven know Skyward Sword did much worse. It could’ve been better though and that’s what really makes me sad. I was really looking forward to playing something new and amazing, especially having just finished Wind Waker for the first time before it and was honestly, disappointed after the magic of the new features wore off. It wasn’t the best. But it wasn’t the worst. It just really needed some work on in a few areas. Over all I would rate it 7/10.

[yukithesnowman314]

In celebration of the 30th anniversary of the Fire Emblem series (with the release of the first game of the series, “Fire Emblem: Dark Dragon and Sword of Light released on April 20th, 1990), I will be doing a bit of a low-brow, personal “retrospective” of the games I played from the series. Join me as I talk about my first experience with the series through my first and second favorite Fire Emblem game: “Genealogy of the Holy War”.

[Warning: Foul language, low-brow commentary, and crude remarks  on the characters of  Fire Emblem.  Go watch some boring elitist cornballs with no real talent who think talking about video games on YouTube  is a real, viable job on YouTube if you want a serious retrospective on the series]

As with many of my peers who grew up playing video games throughout the 90s, I played such classics from that era such as Super Mario World., Street Fighter II, Sonic, Gran Turismo,  Final Fantasy, and Pokemon to name a few.  It was thanks to the 1996 capsule monster catching RPG that I would find love within the RPG genre.  As my first RPG, I loved the idea of capturing and raising monsters to dominate the world of Pokemon  Blue.  Later, around the early 2000s, I was introduced to two of my top favorite RPGs of all time: Paper Mario and the original Final Fantasy 3 on the Famicom; which happened to be my first Final Fantasy game.

(For those wondering how and why Final Fantasy 3 was my first FF game: grew up in Nintendo dominate household and my Pentecostal mother thought RPGs were the devil because Christians, especially Black old-school Baby Boomer Christians,  live in fear of thinking for themselves and questing religion; so emulation was the way for me.)

I loved the idea of taking a traditional  2D-platformer Mario game and reimagine it as a turned- based RPG spanning across the Mushroom Kingdom as Mario, once again, must save Princess Peach from the clutches of Bowser. As for FF3, the 8-bit charm of four young orphaned youths being the chosen ones of legend to save the world from darkness. While both games’ story could be consider “basic” to some (which, to a degree, they’re sort of right especially on FF3’s front), I enjoyed and loved them.

I would continue my RPG journey as the early 2000s progressed with classics such as Chrono Trigger, Shin Megami Tensei II, Final Fantasy IV, V, VI, and finally VII (mostly 16-bit emulation because, again, scared Pentecostal Christian mother).  They told such amazing stories of their worlds.  Time travel.  Nuclear holocaust. Tales of hope, life, and death. Yet, despite all of that, there was something missing from those games. Something that I could say in confidence would impact me for life.

Don’t get me wrong: it was a shock to see teen pregnancy used as a narrative theme in Final Fantasy VI with realism as Katarin struggles with the fact of becoming a teen mother in an world of ruin. Katarin, along with her lover and baby’s fathers Duane, the oldest member of the destroyed village of Mobliz in the World of Ruin. Chrono Trigger made me thought about my own existence in the universe as I watched Crono and crew ponder about how the universe and its inhibitors became to be during the campfire scene.

Chrono Trigger campfire scene

  Yet – those things didn’t fulfill a certain need of true, down-to-earth realism.  I needed something more grounded. Something that would make such sense to me as a young man. Something that I could relate to with absolute:

Super Smash Bros. Melee. for the Nintendo GameCube!

2001:

Through a summer school event, I managed to get my hands on a copy of a Nintendo GameCube demo disc for the PC.  Featured on the disc were video demos of upcoming launch titles for the GameCube: including Luigi Mansion, Star Fox Adventures, NBA Courtside 2002, and of course, Super Smash Bros. Melee.  Super Smash Bros. 64, the game prior to Melee, felt dwarfed compared to the raw graphical power and scale of Melee. I was aware of and hyped for Melee being created by Nintendo through elementary schoolyard conversations and magazines.  Seeing a demo of the preceded flawless game’s action and mass scale drove my desire to get a GameCube and Super Smash Bros. Melee for the 2001 holidays season.

So, did I eventually get Super Smash Bros. Melee for the Nintendo GameCube and the GameCube for Christmas of 2001 like every other good little boy and good little girl?

Of course fucking not!  My parents went bankrupt after buying a new house, having to bury my mother’s parents who both died a month apart from each other, and finally — said new house’s kitchen catching on fire; thus, causing us to  living in a downtown hotel then a temporary luxury apartment because we all have shit lungs (asthma). I was lucky to get a DVD/VCR combo for Christmas with a few DVDs.

  2004:

For three years, I had to live the Melee (and by proxy, the early 2000s gaming) life vicariously. One day, while working on a paper on the history of video games in 8th grade (2004), I discovered  the MIDI (Musical Insturmental Digital Interface) video game vgmusic.com. Musically inclined fans could upload their recreation, remixes, and close-to-the-original MIDI files for the nerdy gaming massive to indulge in.  Being curious about how the music of Melee sounded, I led myself to the Super Smash Bros. Melee section which had an impressed library of fan made songs from the game.

Scrolling through, there was one track that caught my eye: Hyrule Temple: Fire Emblem.  “I don’t remember a Fire Emblem in Majora’s Mask, OOT, nor Zelda II. Maybe I missed something like a secret item named ‘Fire Emblem’ when I had played those games.” I ponder to myself.

Curious, I clicked the link to the song.

Four taps on the artificial hi-hats rang out followed by Latin-like horns, a heavy bassline, and drawn out bass strings and horns building up to the meat of the song.

“Okay, did Link went to Mexico and fight Zorro in a Zelda game because this song sounds super Mexican as hell.”.  Rather than do the incredibly smart and not racist thing and Google search Fire Emblem (because I was too busy googling Princess Daisy, Terra Branford , Ayeka Jurai, and Sailor Pluto hentai images and doujins) I just assumed that it was some a weird Zelda thing.

  Months later, after my parents recovered from their bankruptcy, they gifted me a Nintendo GameCube for Christmas (they couldn’t find Melee in any store sadly).  No worries.  I was given a Blockbuster gift card by a family member for Christmas, so I decided to rent Melee the day after Christmas.  Wanting to know how to unlock everything, I went online for answers when I came across two Nintendo characters whom which I’ve never heard of: Roy and Marth.

Again,  rather than doing the smart thing and Google search “Roy and Marth” (I was googling how to torrent anime illegally this time instead), I decided to play Melee for my answers. After defeating the original 13 fighters, I was alerted with the “Challenger Approach” alarm.  A shadowy figured appeared with a male wielding a sword.  We’re transported to Kirby’s stage with me wondering who I was going to face off against.

Then, that familiar Mexican sounding melody starts to play.

“Okay, this song sounds ever more Mexican than before now I’m hearing it how it meant to be heard.  Why is this white boy speaking Japanese to some  Mexican sword fighting music? Is this Zorro’s cousin? Kirby’s friend?”

After defeating Zorro’s half Japanese/Half Mexican cousin from Kirby (I assumed) I’m greeted with the following message:

“Direct from Fire Emblem, it’s Marth, the swordsman supreme!”

“Okay, what’s Fire Emblem, who’s this Marth dude, and why he’s a white boy speaking Japanese to Mexican music?”

Upon unlocking Marth, I ran him through his Classic Mode route to unlock Roy. Fought Roy.  Figured out why I thought Fire Emblem was Zelda related after a year (you fight Roy in Hyrule’s Ruins because I guess Roy was sleeping with Zelda behind Link’s back after she slept with Gannondorf). Whoop Roy’s ass and got Marth’s trophy. Wanting to learn more about Marth, I deiced to check out his trophy.

“MARTH

            The betrayed prince of the Kingdom of Altea, the blood of the hero Anri flows in Marth’s veins.  He was forced into exile when the kingdom of Dolua invaded Altea.  Then, wielding his divine Falchion, he led a revolt and defeated the dark dragon Medeus. Afterwards, Altea was annihilated by King Hardin of Akanea.

Fire Emblem JAPAN ONLY”

“Wait, he saved his kingdom only to have it annihilated by another king? So, a Nintendo hero failed at saving the day for once? That’s interesting.” Reading Marth’s bio deepened my curiosity towards Fire Emblem.  “Why was Marth forced into exile? Who betrayed him? How did he escape it?  Who’s Medeus and Hardin and how did they manage to destroy his kingdom?”

There was only one way to find out: download Fire Emblem through emulation.  But,  which one?  Visiting my preferred emulation site at the time, Emuparadise, I sought answers through the form of three Fire Emblem games: Mystery of the Crest (FE3), Genealogy of the Holy War (FE4), and Thrica 776 (FE5).

First Try: Mystery of the Emblem

The game boots up with a shield with five circular groves and a flame crested embedded in the middle while a trumpet and French horn fanfare plays for a few seconds. Next, I’m treated to a tapestry with scrambled text. However, the imagery of men burned alive by dragons, sages praying to the heavens, a god armed with a mighty sword and shield descending to earth from the heavens to slay a dragon, and humans giving praise to their savior to a medieval musical motif told the tale for me.

Following, the intro ends with three strikes of lighting; causing the screen to flash. A known fanfare plays as the words “FIRE EMBLEM: MYSTERY OF THE EMBLEM” fades into the foreground as the Falchion pieces through the text.  Finally, I’m introduced to the playable classes and their stats through the game’s attract mode.

Due to the state of the game’s translation, the pre-chapter’s screens were an unreadable mess (a most common issue of Fire Emblem early fan translations days). For all I could had known, this could had been Roy’s game, which I would had been cool with, but I wanted to know Marth’s story.

Skipping past the mess of the “translation”, the game starts.

Axe-men swarming a lone island: pilaving and killing.  A young woman on a Pegasus flies away from the carnage to a castle.  It is here I’m introduced to Fire Emblem’s first ever characters: Jeigan/Jagan, Ceada/Shiida, and the poster boy of the series: The legendary Prince Mars!

“Yo, who the FUCK is Mars? Where’s Marth?” I asked myself in confusion.  I mean, he had blue hair like Marth. Wears a tiara like Marth.  Look like a chick like Marth. But, he was clearly Mars. Not Marth.  Disappointed (and utterly unaware that Mars is Marth and the translator took the Marusu name too literal), I stopped playing I FE3 and booted up FE4.

But MAAAAAAARRRRRRSSSSS!

Second Try: FE4 (or, my true first Fire Emblem experience)

  Immediately, I’m blown away by audio/visual presentation. While the opening text aren’t a jumbled mess unlike the “translation patch” of Mystery of the Emblem, they were in Japanese; a language which (at the time), I lacked understanding of. Regardless, I could understand the story though the art and sound.

Dreadful music plays as the red and black hellfire serves as the background while mighty warriors and fearsome dragons engage each other in brutal combat.  Twelve flames, representing the twelve  holy gods of Jugdral surrounding a lone tower. As the music reaches a peak and fades out,  A dragon of darkness and a dragon of light entangled in a fierce battle  and the screen goes black. Silence. Then, a golden wheel fades in with slow strings building up. The wheel is surrounded by glistering weapons in a celestial blue shade before flying off.

Finally, this specular ends with the Japanese Fire Emblem logo proudly appearing as the theme of the series plays in vigorous pride: as if it was an anthem for a militaristic nation.

Even if this wasn’t Marth’s game and even if I lacked the knowledge to understand the Japanese language, the ominous scene displayed for me alongside with the introduction of the actors and players of the world of FE4, I wanted to dive deep into the blood soaked tale of Jugdral.

After the marvelous introduction, I created a new file, got hip to the story of Jugdral thus far, and proceeded to play.

“Finally! That’s Mart- no, who’s the hell is Sigurd and why does he looks like he could be Marth’s older cousin? If that’s Marth’s cousin maybe Marth will show up in this game.” I proceed to play FE4; impressed by the scale of the map compared to FE3’s Book 1 first’s map.  FE4’s first map felt like a long-standing war was about to take place while FE3’s first book seemed like a meek, short skirmish.  In a way, this set the tone of the overarching theme of FE4’s maps: large armies clashing with one another non-stop.

Needless to say, this was going to be a long, uphill battle –and I was going to love it.  By that detail alone at was then that I knew that not only Genealogy of the Holy War was going to be something special for me, but the Fire Emblem series in general.

*****

Three turns passed.  The blue hair axe dude, Lex, wasn’t Marth.  The other blue hair guy, Finn, wasn’t Marth neither. At this point, I realized two things:

1. I’m racist against blue hair mid-90s anime-inspired  fantasy characters. 2. This wasn’t Marth’s game.

In any case, the first few minutes of gameplay impressed me. How should I  move my units?  Which weapon is best against the enemy’s?  Should I keep Arden guarding the castle or should I be bold and reckless by leaving the castle defenseless?  Midir wasn’t a girl? Azel have a thing for cute young nuns and so do I.

Hooked, I spent an entire weekend getting through the first three chapters of the game (Birth of the Holy Knight, Maiden of the Spirit Forest¸ and Disturbance in Augstira). By the time I reached Chapter 2, I realized something: I suck.   Ethlyn (Sigurd’s sister) got wounded, so these left the game alongside her husband, Quan: causing me to lose two units at once.

I accidently killed Ayra with Alec and my dumbass saved my game after the fact.  I also got Jamke killed because Adean, the priestess whom was supposed to talk to him so he could join your cause, was at the other side of the map. I made Azel kill him.  But, it didn’t matter.  All it matter was that I was having fun with the game and I kept at it.

Why?

Well first, I simply fell in love with the game’s story.  Who would had known that Sigurd  recusing his friend Aidean from the savages of Verdane was actually a part of a much more diabolical plot orchestrated by the underground cult, The Loptr Church and their leader, Manfory to control the world.

Manfory was the man running the show behind the scenes in an attempt to find the last two surviving decedents of a twisted, dark, demonic dragon god (Lopotsu) in order to revive said dark dragon to plunge the world into disarray, death, destruction, and darkness.  Using his pull and promise of power to politicians throughout the land, Manfory was able to install his plan of bringing the world into darkness.

Second, as a teenager, I wasn’t one for politics. It was a topic that bored me to no end. Yet, Genealogy of the Holy War opened my eyes to how brutal and ruthless politics can be. No. Inferior words such as brutal and ruthless are understatements.  Cutthroat fits better.   I was filled with disgust with Chagall killing his own father, King Imuka, to gain power in Agustria.  I took note at how one set of dukes and lords of  Agustira  bid their time as Sigurd cross blade against the other dukes and lords of their land.  Levin’s uncle was willing to kill him and his mother if it meant controlling their nation.

(As Leptor told Sigurd: “Politics is all about power!)

Now, let it be known that politics alone wasn’t the sole reason why I fell in love with Genealogy of the Holy War despite it being the driving force behind why I loved the game.  The countless tragedies after tragedies that transpired throughout Sigurd’s tale got me as well.  To understand where I’m coming from, let’s go deeper into what I mean by this.

Towards the end of Chapter 1 (Maiden of the Spirit Forest) we’re treated with a touch of “love at first sight” story narrative.  Upon conquering Marpha Castle, Sigurd encounters the beautiful and alluring maiden, Deidre, being harassed by a brigand.  After running the thug off, Sigurd and Deidre exchange a few words; with Sigurd being shocked that Deidre knows his name (through Aiden) and admitting that he’s everything  she imagine him to be. Sigurd ask for her name, which Deidre asks for his pardon for not revealing it before running off loves struck.

Curious about her (and not being able to shake off the feelings of love) , Sigurd asks a local elder about her.   The elder informs Sigurd of Deidre’s name, background, and warns Sigurd not to engage in any sort of relationship with Deidre; least disaster shall befall upon the world if she left the forest and found love. Not wanting to believe in such superstitions, Sigurd sets out to find Deidre. They encounter one another and admit that they had fallen for each other…

…And like any good woman and man who fall for each other upon a chance, first meeting, they both fucked later that night. This isn’t me being lowbrow (for once): that scene is in the official Fire Emblem 4 manga written and drawn by Mitsuki Oosawa.  Deidre totally fucks on the first date  (must be due to of all those years of living a sheltered life).

Without context, this scene can be taken completely wrong…

  Anyway, after conquering the Kingdom and Verdane, Sigurd and Deidre got married.  From their marriage, Sigurd started to change.  His sister, Ethlyn, notes how much Sigurd changed thanks to Deidre.  He’s no longer a slob.  His hot-headed attitude has all but disappeared.  He became more upbeat. From their love and marriage came their first and only son, Celice, whom they both loved dearly.

Sigurd was happy. Deirdre was happy.

And then, Chapter 3 hits – hard.

After receiving news of Sigurd subduing Madino Castle, Deidre decides to leave their army’s home castle to check on her husband.  Despite pleas from Shanan (Prince of Issac, his backstory on why he’s in Sigurd’s army  is a tad long for this post for me to explain) to ensure that Deidre do not leave the castle as per Sigurd’s request, Deidre leaves; assuring Shanan that she’ll only be but just a second. As Deidre walks outside, she is attacked by Manfory, brainwashed, and taken away by the dastardly villain.

(Keep in mind: Sigurd is prepping to engage in combat against his own best friend, Eldigan)

After subduing Evans Castle, Sigurd is alerted by Shanan that Deidre went missing (in the manga version, Shanan engage in combat against Manfory and fails to rescue Deidre). Sigurd, still stressed out due to discovering the beheaded body of Eldigan in Silvali Castle, sets out to find Deidre.

To worsen matters, Sigurd hears that he and his father Vylon are accused of murdering Prince Kurth of Grannvale  (in truth, Vylon’s rivals, Lombard and Leptor, murdered the prince as an attempt to frame Vylon and take Castle Chaply from him).

Sigurd and company are forced to flee to the faraway frigid mountain lands of Silesse. Despite his justified anger/desires to storm Grannvale and expose Lombard and Leptor for their crimes, Sigurd is forced to resolve the civil conflict of Sileese while living as a refugee.

Once the civil conflict in Sileese subsides, Sigurd sets off to Granvale to combat against Leptor and Lombard. He revives his family heirloom, the Holy Tyfring from his father, who has been morality wounded by Lombard’s squad.  Sigurd is helpless as his dad dies in his arms and promises to rain wrath and revenge upon Lombard and Reptor for their crimes against the Chaply family and the land of Grannvall. Keeping to his promise,  Sigurd successfully slew Lombard and set his sights against Reptor and his unit.

During this time, Quan and his Ethlyn, along with Leonster Lance units, are to aid Sigurd and his army.  However, King Tribant (introduced in Chapter 3) ambushes their squad: killing them and leaving behind no survivors sans Cuan and his Ethlyn’s 3 year old child, Altena. Sigurd hears of this news and is devastated by yet another tragic event in his life.

Following, Sigurd eventually take the battle to Leptor, effortlessly defeating him with the help of his army.  Sigurd is greeted by Arvis’ aide, Aida, who tells him that Arvis and Kurth’s father knew Sigurd and his father weren’t involved in Prince Kurth’s death.  This relives Sigurd, a man who for the past two years dealt with soul-crushing pain.  For once, Sigurd is able to take a break and repay his allies  for their work.

Yet, all isn’t what they may seem.

While Sigurd and company are welcomed to Belhalla by Arvis in a faux celebration party, Arvis reveals to Sigurd that everything that has transpired within the past three years of Arvis’s doing.  He doesn’t pardon neither nor his father for crimes to conspiracy to usurp the Grannvall throne by murdering Prince Kurth. Sigurd is sentence to death.  Sigurd, now in absolute disbelief and believing that Arvis is joking, asks if this is a cruel joke, to which Arvis replies that he is not. Before killing Sigurd, Arvis reveals something that Sigurd has been looking for the past year:

Deidre – now recognized as the wife of Arvis.

Arvis insists that Sigurd must be confronted by the daughter of his victim. Deidre, lacking any sort of recollections of her (true) marriage with Sigurd, questions if Sigurd murdered her father. The man snaps, yelling at his wife that he’s married to him, not Arvis, and that he did not do such a horrible thing to his wife who, he loves dearly by killing her father.  Deidre is confused.  She ponders why Sigurd, the man who supposedly murdered her father, is speaking to her as if he was her familiar. She requests to Arvis that she is given more time to speak with Sigurd to clear things, only to have that requet deny by her new husband.

As Deidre is courted away by Arvis’s royal guards, Arvis believes that Sigurd has said more than enough and orders the execution of Sigurd and his army.

My jaw dropped as I helplessly watched the army whom I raised and the characters I grew to love lives come to a brutal end.

“Nintendo a company for kids and family…Did they just really let one of their main characters die so violently like that?” My teenage mind couldn’t compheren that Nintendo allowed the death of a main character (among many other controversial things) in one of their games.

Continued in Part II.

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15 years ago, I learned that Sigurd is not Marth's cousin and that I might a racist towards and against any Fire Emblem with Blue Hair (they all look alike to me -- i am not sorry). In celebration of the 30th anniversary of the Fire Emblem series (with the release of the first game of the series, “Fire Emblem: Dark Dragon and Sword of Light released on April 20th, 1990), I will be doing a bit of a low-brow, personal “retrospective” of the games I played from the series.

[therealeagal]

Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild

Not to say that Breath of the Wild is not a fun game, because it very much is, but just off the top of my head I can name seven Zelda games that take a big smelly shit on BotW in literally every way. Well, not literally since the graphics are obviously better. So then just almost literally every way.

Best Zelda game ever? LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

No. Not by a long shot.

Problem number one: bring back random drops. I don’t give a shit if it’s not realistic that a Keese would be holding five arrows when I kill it.

There are two ways to get arrows in this game. 1: Find an enemy with a bow and wait for it to fire at you and dodge the arrow and hope the arrow wasn’t broken wherever it struck. 2: Shell out five gajillion rupees for at most 15 at a time. Thanks but no thanks.

And rupees! There are no more rupee drops except for the odd Yiga clan attack, which I guarantee won’t net you enough money to pay for all the arrows you’ll need. To unlock all the great fairy fountains you need, if my memory serves me correctly, over 16000 rupees!!! The only other way to get money is to occasionally find them in chests or sell monster parts for a dozen or so rupees depending on the particulars.

You can also own a home in this game, but it costs upwards of 4000 rupees to get it all decked out.

Problem number 2: Breakable weapons. Fuck. This. Mechanic. And the Master Sword isn’t even immune to it!!!! It’s reusable, but if you use it too much it will break and you have to wait for it to recharge. Even if the MS alone were unbreakable that would make the mechanic about a gajillion times more tolerable.

Problem number 3: Rain. The rain in the plains. Or more problematically, the rain in the mountains. You see, my children, when it rains in Hyrule, it becomes impossible to scale any sort of scale-able surface. Guess what Hyrule is covered in? Yes, that’s right. Mountains. And hills and oodles of climbable shit.  All of which is 100% off limits in the rain.

There’s a wait feature. You set down a bundle of wood and a piece of flint. Strike the flint with a metal weapon and voila. Instant campfire. Guess what doesn’t work in the rain? Yes, that’s right. Campfires. So you have to wait out rain the old fashioned way.

Again, sacrificing game quality for the sake of realism. IT’S A MAGICAL KINGDOM WHERE YOU HAVE TO FIGHT A PIG GHOST DEMON WITH THE HELP OF ROBOT ANIMALS WE DON’T NEED REALISM.

Problem number 4: The horses. This is more of a nitpick than a problem since there’s only one point in the story where a horse is significant, and even then its use isn’t required. So why bother putting them in?  Just give me one horse. Epona. Give me Epona and make her control perfectly without randomly deciding to turn off the path you were on or pull up short in the middle of a dead sprint because there was a patch of ground that was .001 microns higher than the ground around it.

You can register the horses you catch at any stable, so that you can board them and retrieve them later at a different stable elsewhere in the world, perhaps so that you can fast travel and still be able to ride your cool steed, which is a nice touch.

You know what isn’t a nice touch? You can only register horses you catch. You want to register that Stalhorse you caught and name Bonethony (like Anthony but with Bone in it)? Nope. You want to register that stag you’re forced to catch for that one Shrine Quest and name it Bambi? Take a hike, chump. You want to register that super badass glowing horse thing you caught at the top of Satori Mountain that has infinite sprinting and name it Awesome Glowhorse? Fuck you, you can’t.

Problem number 5: Link’s durability. This rendition of Link has the constitution of a wet paper bag. When there are enemies that can one-shot you in the first goddamn area you’ve got a problem. The ability to dodge is at an all time high, except that oops, enemies with ranged weapons can lead their shots and oops most high end enemies have AOE attacks so unless you want to spend half your time playing this game reloading from the last save because Link just got OTKed by a Guardian with pinpoint accuracy from the other side of fucking Hyrule, you’ll spend most of your time in the menus shoving food down Link’s gullet.

“But Eagal!” I hear you say. “You can fight from afar with your mighty bow!” Good point. Except for A: The previously mentioned arrow scarcity and B: Arrows do jack shit to any enemy worth using them on. They can be used to stun most enemies if you get a headshot, but alas, they’ll typically remain stunned for less time than it takes to actually run up to them and attack with your sword or whatever, especially if you’re using a two-handed weapon.

“But Eagal!” I hear you say. “You can use your mighty shield to block enemy attacks!” Except that again, no you can’t. Because AOE ignores shields and any shield not named the Hylian Shield are trash when it comes to blocking attacks from enemies worth using them on and if you do use the Hylian Shield, which is often erroneously reported as unbreakable, it  will inevitably break and at such time you can either A: go back to relying on inferior shields or B: shell out 3000 more rupees to a guy in Tarrey town.

Problem number 6: Link’s stamina. Ok, so let’s include the ability to run in this game. But let’s make that run feature utterly meaningless by trying it to Link’s incredibly small stamina meter. There’s a sex joke in there somewhere.

-------------

The music. Mainly the remixes, as opposed to the original songs, which I believe I liked all of. Some of it I liked, some of it I wasn’t crazy about. Off the top of my head I don’t think I actually disliked any of it, just didn’t love it.

-------------

So what did I like about the game? One of the game’s primary gimmicks is the clothes. You can equip different sets of armor which may provide different bonus effects and varying levels of protection. You can get a climber’s set that lets you climb faster or the Hylian guard set that gives you really good defense. Or my personal favorite the Barbarian set that boosts your attack power.

Or you can have Link run around in his skivvies. He wears boxer briefs, which is funny because I would have pegged Link as a boxers kind of guy. Not that I often think about the state of Link’s undergarments....

In any event, whatever you’ve got him equipped with, that’s what Link will be wearing during cutscenes. Alas, no cuckoo costume. You can get a Dark Link outfit by doing a sidequest to unlock a certain merchant. Lets you run faster a night, though come to that, so does the upgraded sheikah outfit, which has an added benefit of increasing your stealth. I bought it anyway, because why not.

There’s also a bunch of amiibo costumes but I don’t have any of those.

The other primary gimmick of the game is the Sheikah iphone slate which replaces items in this game. You can create a block of ice in the water to climb upon  or you can freeze time for objects or enemies or you can take a picture with the camera function...which actually does have a use because the map has a search function that will alert you if a certain thing (items, enemies, shrines) is nearby.

------------

THE MOST TRAITOROUS THING about this game. Link doesn’t get to wear green!!!!! Well, ok, he does. If you get the amiibos which give you access to the signature tunics of his predecessors in Linkage. Or if you complete all 120ish shrines so that Link can get his own set. Still.

These are my only thoughts for now.

In summary, good, not the best. Not by any stretch of the imagination.

Anyone who disagrees with me is wrong.

[operationrainfall]

Title Old School Musical Developer La Moutarde Publisher Plug In Digital Release Date September 13th, 2018 Genre Rhythm Platform Steam, Nintendo Switch Age Rating E for Everyone – Fantasy Violence, Mild Blood Official Website

As a fan of rhythm games, I knew I had to be the one to review Old School Musical. It looked like it was chock full of chiptune goodness, but that was all I knew about it initially. Then once I started playing it, I quickly saw this was a game that embraced and celebrated video game history. It tells the story of two brothers, Tib and Rob, who live with their antagonistic mother on an island. As they grow up, their mother pushes them to train so that they can one day become true heroes. One day years later, their island starts glitching out, and Tib and Rob find a note left by their missing mother, telling them only they can stop the glitches. Thus they set off on a hilarious and fourth wall breaking adventure.

The concept of a world glitching is a smart decision that allows Tib and Rob to warp into unusual situations. They wander into other worlds full of very familiar faces, such as a Mega Man-inspired world, one that looks awfully like Hyrule, deep space and much more. As they explore, they exchange banter back and forth, often full of humor and inside jokes. Their interaction also does a good job of showing the different personalities of both brothers. Tib is the oldest, and also the shortest, of the two, and likes to act mature and collected. Rob, the youngest and tallest, is quick to emotion and often does things without thinking first. Their mother, or Big Mama as they call her, is portrayed as a cruel and often sadistic character, spurring the boys to action with harsh training regimens and verbal abuse. Nevertheless, she’s the only parent they’ve ever known, so they are earnest in their desire to find her and save the day.

Tib and Rob’s mom definitely has echoes of The Binding of Isaac.

It might seem strange to spend so long talking about the story in a rhythm game, but the Story mode is surprisingly robust in Old School Musical. I grew to love Tib and Rob in their meandering adventures through dimensions, and while there is no in-game clock, I estimate I spent somewhere between three and five hours playing through the story. As for how gameplay is handled, it should be familiar to any who have ever played a rhythm game, with some unique twists.

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Like most rhythm games, Old School Musical has notes flying at you which you need to press in time. You can use either the directional buttons or the YXAB buttons to hit them, as well as the shoulder buttons. By consistently hitting them with precise timing, you’ll fill up your Fury meter. Once that’s full, you’ll get rainbow-colored Cools and Perfects when you hit notes, as well as regain lost HP for each successful button press. To keep things interesting, as you wait for notes to hit the center of the screen, there’s a lot happening in the background. And I mean a LOT. As you’re pressing buttons, Tib and Rob scamper about the screen, fighting foes, racing cars, infiltrating facilities, swinging swords and the like. It’s very easy to get distracted, and that’s part of the game’s charm. Thankfully, they don’t introduce any gameplay twists in Story mode. Additionally, each song will be interspersed with dialogue between Tib and Rob, which gives you a much deserved break. Just don’t expect any breaks in the other modes of the game, as they are pure note bashing.

Getting eaten by a giant snake might be a bit distracting…

As Story mode progresses, there are lots of cutscenes full of delightful insanity. I especially appreciated nods to series like Pokémon, with you choosing commands for Tib and Rob as they’re attacked by hateful creatures. Later in the game, you’ll encounter some areas where Tib and Rob can explore and talk with townspeople. This led to further hilarity, as well as providing some actual backstory for the brothers. Suffice to say, they’re not exactly human, but that’s all I can say about it. I invite you to play through the story yourselves and appreciate the emotional crests and humor of the plot.

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While the Story mode is certainly a highlight of Old School Musical, and it’s sad when it’s over, there’s still more that the game offers. Once you beat the story you unlock another mode called Chicken Republic. Put simply, the chickens that have suffered abuse in videogames have had it, and form a republic for all like-minded fowl. While you briefly encounter these ornery cluckers in the story, in Chicken Republic they throw some neat twists at you. At the start of each of the 50 stages, you’ll have a chicken wizard enchant you. As you play through the stages, tons of visual status effects hinder you, such as snowflakes falling onto your screen, changing the color to old Game Boy palettes, warping everything on the screen and much more. Honestly I kept expecting them to run out of ideas, but this postgame segment was just as robust if not more so than the Story mode. Perhaps the most hilarious status effect is one stage where a pixelated shirtless man climbs up the screen and then spends the rest of the level dancing in front of your notes. I won’t ruin it by telling you which stage, but I will say it’s delightfully twisted and worth playing yourself.

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Besides Story mode and Chicken Republic, there is also the Arcade mode. This lets you select any song you’ve played and try and get a better score. The best you can do is an S, which means you hit 100% of the notes in a stage perfectly, without any misses. While I love the game, I was not able to get any S grades, usually getting A’s instead. Though I played through Story on Normal difficulty, you can always change it to Easy if you need a break, or if you want a challenge, choose Hard. Just don’t expect to get through that difficulty unscathed, as even the first song in the game is a true challenge, let alone the more fast-paced songs. I felt Normal was a very fair difficulty for the game, as it made me work for my victories but wasn’t overly cruel. Besides this there is also a Multiplayer mode, but I was unable to try it for my review.

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I’ve spent a while talking about all the gameplay, but it wouldn’t be right not to cover the aesthetic design in Old School Musical. Though it’s not overly complex, there’s a lot of color and cartoonish humor in every pixel. I loved the cutscenes as well, as our heroic brothers are visually transformed to fit into the various worlds they encounter. I also enjoyed watching them scamper about the screen, and only found a few stages visually hard to look at. This was due to a blurriness caused by a cobbled path constantly scrolling, but it was a minor setback.

On the music side of things, Old School Musical is a delight. La Moutarde enlisted the aid of several talented musicians to aid them with crafting the sound of the game, including the following: Dubmood, Hello World, Le Plancton, Yponeko and Zabutom. There is a wonderful range of songs, from high-flying space operas to fantasy-laden adventures to completely crazy stuff. Some of my favorite songs were the ones that referenced other games, such as the R-Type-inspired stage playing music that sounds like remixed Tetris. I normally don’t focus much on the music in games, but in this one, the following were songs I especially liked: Ballad of the Cool Fish, Bloody Beaks, Confucius Slam, Datasalen, Ghost… GHOST!!!, Hundred Dollar Volvo Road Trip, Keygen 23, Korobeiniki, Making Music on the Internet, Matriarchy and Megalonaan. With over 50+ songs, there’s a lot to love here. Aesthetically speaking, Old School Musical will make fans of retro games very happy.

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In closing, I had a fantastic time with Old School Musical. It’s quirky, different, full of humor and charm. For $12.99 you’re getting a hell of a bargain, providing at least 10 hours of gameplay, and that’s without trying to get high scores on all the songs in Arcade mode. La Moutarde wasn’t on my radar before, but they certainly are now. If you own a Switch or game on Steam, Old School Musical is rhythm game you should not miss. Go help Tib and Rob save the day; you won’t regret it.

[easyreview cat1title=”Overall” cat1detail=”” cat1rating=”4.5″]

Review Copy Provided by Publisher

REVIEW: Old School Musical Title Old School Musical