#wait i got distracted anyway this is probably why my blog is like 50% me talking about some highly specific thing

[bmpmp3]

THE PROBLEM with me is I’ve always had a tendency to get really, really into painfully niche things (sometimes its niche in the sense of obscurity but most of the time its just niche in the sense of like, nobody’s all that interested lol) which in theory is fine like im enjoying myself and i end up with a decent amount of interesting stories to tell BUT ALSO i just discovered that Girls’ Fashion Shoot has been delisted from the 3ds eshop and now I’ve been thinking about the nicola model series of games nonstop for the past two days and like WHO am i supposed to TALK to about this!!!

[txemrn]

How do you approach writing intense sexual scenes? Do you write from experience or what you've seen? I want to try to write things, but I'm afraid what I write will come across as awkward and cringe-y. 🤦‍♀️

Hey, anon! Thank you so much for the ask!

Believe me when I say that you and I are in the same boat! I get fairly anxious when it comes to writing smut for the exact same reasons you have: you want it to flow; you want hearts in your eyes while your fanning yourself, waiting for round 2. I have several smut scenes to write in some upcoming fics, and I can feel the excitement... and dread because I need fireworks, not a forest fire.

You don't want a trainwreck, something that literally makes you feel violated, wanting to scrub your skin afterwards. But, when you develop the perfect scene for your characters, it is soooooo delicious and beautiful. 🥰

I'm NOT the expert, but here's what I do... 🍋🍋🍋

First things first: ask yourself, "Does this fic/chapter even need an intimate scene?" I have mapped out fics before, where I think, "Oh yeah, let's get it on in this chapter!" And when it comes time to write, my characters want to tell a different story. Or, I realize it distracts from the purpose of the chapter.

Something to also consider that I think is just as powerful as having sex is what I call my "foreplay writing": just like it sounds-- the characters sexually teasing one another verbally and physically in a way that will probably lead to intimacy; I usually have a character say 1 or 2 moment-defining lines; then I end the scene delicately, leaving it to the reader's imagination.

One of my favorite characters to do this for is Liam from TRR. Here's a little excerpt of what I'm talking about:

This is the first chapter of my series called "Pour Two Glasses". In this particular chapter, Liam has a limited time with his wife before he goes back delegating peace treaties. The whole chapter has been this delicious love (and sexual) tension between them, feeling their connection as husband and wife. And... THEY FINALLY CAN HAVE A MOMENT ALONE, and they are stumbling over each other like teenagers, making out. They finally make it to their room, and Liam can't take it anymore. He passionately pushes his wife against the wall. She suggests that they have a bedroom. And he responds with this:

“We have walls,” he gruffly whispers, snapping his teeth just above her pulse point. “Now, open your legs.”

Anyway, the point of the story, though wasn't the sex. It was their connection, and I felt like if I added a smutty scene (which, I originally wanted to do), it might distract from the impact of what was about to happen.

Sorry, I need a minute now.... 🤣🤣🤣

Moving on...

Second, RESEARCH!

-READ! READ! READ! There is so much smut right here on tumblr. Pick out your favorite series for fanfiction, then look for the lemons! You'll get a good taste (pun not intended) of how to create it, how to build it up and fluff it up. How to make it loving, how to make it intense. Even the most intense of BDSM scenes can be lovely.

-Also, consider smutty books and harlequin novels. Yes, I'm talking "50 Shades..." Go to that section in Wal-Mart and pick out a few. Read and take note! For example, I have a desire to write a BDSM piece after hearing a song. Because I want to do it justice, I just ordered a book with some hardcore BDSM online to do some research.

-Don't be afraid: search the net! I have actually google searched "writing smut for beginners" and there are SO MANY blog sites that will teach you a TON. There are even sites that will tell you words that are generally accepted by audiences and words that generally make people cringe.

-Turn to trustworthy and helpful writing friends for 2 reasons!

Not the ones that simply say, "Oooo, that's hot," (even though we LOVE them, too), but the ones that will make your smut well-rounded and stellar! For example, I was writing a blurb about oral sex last week, and I turned to one of my peeps. She was encouraging and told me I was on the right track, told me what she loves, and then offered thoughts and sensations that could make my writing blossom.

EXPERIENCE. We all have different perspectives when it comes to intimacy. Now, I know, you can't talk about it with just anyone. But surely there is SOMEONE you can chat sex with, maybe even a best friend that is clueless about fanfiction! The purpose of this is to expand your knowledge of what people enjoy. What you personal enjoy might not be what someone else enjoys and they can offer intel as to why.

-Finally, and this might sound crazy, create a word/phrase bank. You know when you're reading some smut, and you read something that just... takes your breath away? Jot. It. Down. I actually have a word/phrase bank, and I abuse it. The bank includes words related to body parts, smells, sensations, tastes... but it's tailored to what I'm willing to personally write. There are certain words I personally cannot write seriously, and so I vow not to. But anytime I can think of a clever and beautiful way to say something, I add it to the bank.

I hope this has inspired you in some way. I know you kept yourself anonymous; BUT if you ever need some help, I am always here to brainstorm ideas. You've got this--writing smut is just like jumping into the deep end of the pool; YOU CAN DO IT, and it's going to be so THRILLING when you do. Good luck to you! 💜💜💜

[popculturebuffet]

Blacksad: Somewhere In the Shadows Review

Hello you beautiful people! I have a WEIRD relationship with Noir. It’s weird because i’ve never really dived into the films of type, though I really should, But as a kid I absolutely LOVED the tracer bullet arcs in Calvin and Hobbes, where everyone’s favorite hyperactive and imaginative six year old would plant himself as the hero in a noir pastiche.. ironically like myself Bill Watterson was also not a huge noir buff and just relied on Cliches but hey, it worked. 

Still love these. So from fourth grade on it imprinted a lifelong love of a good bit of detective noir. Not enough to you know, get me to read any traditional noir books or watch any noir tv shows or detective procedurals but I still love a good mystery from time to time and some of my favorite comics such as Howard the Duck by Chip Zdarksy and Peter David’s second run on x-factor run on the genre while having fun with it’s cliches. 

I also love anthropormphic animal stories. Dunno why, I just do, so once I found out about Blacksad, a comic that combines disney quality art from a former disney animator with gripping, adult noir that rips your heart out... I couldn’t resisit trying it. Telling the tale of John Blacksad, a cynical private detective and the cases he steps into via gorgeous, straight out of a disney storyboard art, the series is by  Juan Díaz Canales (writer) and Juanjo Guarnido (artist), the latter a former Disney artist who worked on several Disney films, meeting in the 90′s while working on licensed works and hitting it off, leading to this series.  That’s.. really all I could find about the making of the series in English. The only other fact is the series is designed for first release in France, which has a huge comics market, hence the various volumes being called “Albums”, with them later being released in Spain and then english, currently in the latter through Dark Horse Comics, who last year collected the current 5 albums and some side stories into one big volume. And with Dark Horse having infrequent sales including Blacksad on comixology it’s easy enough to pick up all 5 volumes in one complete package on digital for 9 bucks, as it is right now. Seriously I’m not trying to shill for Comixology or Dark Horse, I just love these comics and suggest picking them up. The creators DO intend on new volumes... it’s just both have been busy with other work so they’ve been stuck in development hell since 2013. However given there have always been, if much smaller, the biggest being 5 years, gaps between the Albums, I don’t think the series is dead quite yet and with Dark Horse fully backing it, taking the series from only two volumes getting translated to both translating the first four AND translating the fifth within a year of it’s release, we’ll undoubtly get the next one quickly. The series has also spawned a game, Under the Skin, which i’ll probably also cover some day as i’m dying to play it, but i’m waiting for a sale because it’s around 30 bucks and I can wait. It’s also been nominated for an Eisner three times to no suprise and has had fans in Stan Lee, Jim Steranko, Tim Sale and Will freaking Eisner. Yes the GUY the awards were named after liked the series.  So yeah, I love this series and highly support it, but the thought of covering it hadn’t occrued to me.. in part because I already had three comic retrsopectives going, my looks at The Life and Times of Scrooge McDuck, Scott Pilgrim and New X-Men, and simply because I just hadn’t thought of it till Kevin, frequent patron and comissioner of the blog whose paid for tons of reivews, suggested covering the second Album, Arctic Nation, which has our hero searching for a missing little girl he feels has been taken by the titular white supramacist movement.. and if your wondering “Wait how the fuck does that work their animals”, John is black coded due to his black fur, while the white suprmacists are all Arctic Animals.. a touch I really like as I’d honestly never thought of that as a metaphor but it fits like a glove, especially given that most white furred arctic mamals are pretty agressive looking. So yeah I’ll be covering that one next month for Black History Month, among many other things, but I felt I wanted to cover the series in order and since again, it’s only the second of five and I had a free space on the schedule. So without further adew, join me somewhere in the shadows and under the cut as we enter the world of one John Blacksad. 

We open as you’d expect for a Noir with a heady narration and a murder. John was brought in by Smirnov, the chief of police and an old aquantice who serves as his Commissioner Gordon. Since the victim is John’s ex, he was brought in to see if he knows anything and as you’d expect warned not to look into it further, as John dosen’t buy this was a simple robbery. His response is exactly what you’d expect. 

I mean.. what did you expect? You called him out of bed to see his former lovers corpse, KNOWING he’s one hell of detective, dosen’t give up on things easy, and would probably be curious. For him to say “Cool gonna go smoke some reefer and take in a looney tunes short at the theater, call me when you find the murderer?” Also  this series takes place in the 50s. Because of course it does. 

So John goes back to his office to brood, reflecting that the office feels like the remains of an ancient civlization because “It seems to be all that remains of the civlized person I used to be”. Hell of a line. 

We then get his backstory with the victim, Natalia. She’s a famous actress, who John first as a younger man when hired to investgate some death threats she’d received with a boquet of flowers. John shows off just how good he is at his job in just a few panels. 

IT not only shows in just a few panels just how ferocious our hero can be when needed and how good he is at his job, easily having tracked down the man responsible and scared him shitless without breaking as sweat, but how fucking gorgeous the art is. I meant it when I brought up the old disney comparison, as Steranko even mentioned in his introduction to the collection of the first three volumes how it looks like animation cels on the page. IT’s utterly breathtaking and ONLY gets even more lush and beautiful as the series goes on and perfectly fits the noir stylings with it’s realisim, making it’s animal characters feel utterly human and real while still keeping their animal traits in perfect detail. 

John impressed her, and as we see in the next page under his narration they not only had really steamy passionate sex, and why yes we do see them naked even if the bits are covered it’s still very much nsfw and we saw Natalia’s naked corpse earlier, so that ship had already sailed anyway, with Natalia taking him on both as her lover and her on staff detective and the two were much in love.. until the fame apparenlty got to her judging from the visuals, and the realtionship fell apart. 

Before we move on i’d like to talk about the narration which CAN be a bit overwrought here or there and is a bit overused.. but does have it’s mometns of being utterly effective as with above, contrasting John’s statments about a sucessful job and being hired on.. with the beginnings of his and Natalia’s relationship and their passionate lovemaking. IT’s not BAD and it works for the setting, but it can be distracting, but thankfully the series levels this out as we go and they learned from it so no harm done. Just the kinda thing that happens early in a series life when the creators are getting a handle on things, so no harm done. 

But naturally John isn’t going to take the love of his life, responsible for the happiest days of said life, being brutally murdered lying down and is going to find the bastard who did this. So he goes to an old friend, Jake Ositombe, a championship boxer and Nat’s former bodyguard who he recommended to her. Given we see him knock the shit out of his opponent without the slightest effort, yeah good call. Also yes we share the same name and no it’s not weird to type about another Jake, adventure time sorta.. knocked that out of me. Jake dosen’t know much since she fired him a long time ago as one of her lovers hired private security, and the last one he knew of was a guy by the name of Leon.  John, naturally, easily finds the guy’s apartment, Leon Kronkski, a screenwriter.. but also rules him out as the guy lived in a humble apartment and clearly didn’t have the cash to hire his own hired goons. 

He does find a clue, a matchbook for some place called the Cypher Club.. and another when the man’s sweet  mouse landlady shows up, who John charms by pretending to be Leon’s friend and flashing a big smile, finding out a msyterious man with “big bulging eyes”, took him. This scene also to me is great in subtly showing off John’s skill. While the previous flashback showed how badass he is, shoving a gun down the throat of a stalking wannabe murderer with pure rage in his eyes.. here we see a lighter approach, how despite his serious and dour nature.. he easily slips into being cheery and looking like an average joe off the street. He bluffs the landlady not because the plot says so.. but because like any PI he’s just that good at slipping into whatever roll he needs to get the info he needs. He can be his dour self or a charming happy go lucky guy without missing a beat. 

So with that he goes to the studio leon worked for where his boss.. is a walrus j jonah jameson?

But yeah J. Jonah Walruson wants pictures of spider-man.. moving pictures.. but he can’t film them with his star dead and his screenwriter indefintiely gone, with the same bulging eyed man having told JJ he’d be gone indefintely. Nothing suspicious about that!

So naturally John’s next plan is to find the guy.. who is already after him as you’d expect with both a knife to slash at our hero with and the fog covering him so he can hit and run. But unluckily for him .. well i’ll let john say it...

John  headbutts the myserious snake, who only managed to get his coat before and tries to interogate him.. but gets a quick jab to the gut and the guy gets away. 

We soon meet our big bag, who has a big speech about insects and things being usefufl.. and once they stop being useful.. they become dead and collectable, telling the snake man to back off John.. and sending his right hand man to go take care of the Snake who apparently took something from the office. Realizing his numbers up the Snake Man goes to a lizard bar, picks up a package from a friend and runs out the back, knowing he’s being followed.. and we get some hints there’s also racial tension between lizards and mammials here as the bartender, said friend, has the entire bar circle around the guy preventing him from following our mysterious bulging eyed man. 

Meanwhile John goes to the Cipher Club, a wretched hive of scum and villiany. Given Nat was a glamorous movie star, it’s very clear she was here to hide from something or someone, and the bartnender, a wild pig. 

No not you sweetie. The wild pig tells John leon was indeed here and a local rat, in both senses of the word, offers to take John to him.. though understandably John is supscious of the guy he just met in a seedy bar taking him anywhere except to get some heroin. Did Heroin exist yet? Questions for later. But he’s got a case so he follows. Though suprisingly the guy DOES actually come through and it’s not ENTIRELY a trap: he takes john to a tomb for Noel Krinsok.. an anagram for Leon’s name. Unsuprisingly he’s dead. And also unsuprisingly, two hired goons

Show up. As I said not ENTIRELY a trap but it’s obvious given the rat split moments before that our mysterious big bad knew where john would be headed next, and thus while giving him a clue, also set him up to get his head knocked in. And while John is badass.. these guys are a bear and a rhino,  both stronger, bigger, and with suprise on their size, as well as a tombstone to knock john’s head into. They easily beat him senseless and hope he got the message, though john gives a defiant fuck you before being punched out for it. He returns home, feeling like he’s aged 20 years “But no one respects the elderly anymore”, PFFT, and heads home to his rathole, not literally this time, apartment to lay on his cot and think as he gets some rest. 

And while the trail for Leon is cold. our mysterious murderer accidently tipped his hand: only someone with a LOT of money and influence could make a man disappear like this, and it tracks with what we’ve seen so far. The guy has multiple henchman and despite being a big star with plenty of clout, Natalia had to hide in a dive bar just to get away from him and even THEN clearly wasn’t so lucky given she and her new lover both wound up dead.  But Blacksad has bigger problems.. he wakes up in a jail cell.

Turns out Smirnkov had him arrested.. but for his own protection as the case is getting too hot and while he was late on that front given John’s face is hamburger, it’s clear from his tone and demeanor that while he may of been harsh with John earlier.. the two are old friends, and the Chief is simply worried about him winding up dead, and John takes you know being thrown in prison in stride. Which while not a bad scene it is a BIT suspect that a black coded character was thrown in jail for nothing and it’s treated very lightly and as a simple protection between friends, though given they wouldn’t think of coding john like that till next volume, I brush it off as accidental implications in hindsight. 

Smirnkov though also called John here.. because he needs his help. Since Natalia’s Murder Case is pointing very high up, so his superiors have ordered him to bury the case and as he puts it “the bastards know where to squeeze”. And given in volume 3 we learn Smirnov has a wife and children, it’s very obvious where they squoze and to the volume’s credit while we don’t know that yet it’s VERY clear from Smirnov’s body language they went after some form of family. So while he has to give it up.. John does not. So he brought him to jail to offer a proposal: John goes after this son of a bitch and nails him to the wall.. and Smirnov will FULLY protect John no matter what he has to do.  Now naturally given the rightful reckoning for police that’s been going on for almost a year, this SHOULDN’T play well. You have an officer outright telling an outside party that he and his boys will cover up his crimes. But.. honestly even in that framework.. it still works. That’s because.. the system has failed here. The higher up and more corrupt cops put pressure on the honest and hardworking family man Smirnov to stop a legitimate investigation into a horrible murderer.. because the guy is rich. And even now we’ve seen time and time again how rich assholes effortlessly escape the consequences of their action: How our own president who actively asked other nations to interfere in our election escaped his first impeachment trial, but hopefully not the second, aquitted. How Jeffery Epstien took YEARS to bring down with his years of ellicit parties involving innocent women and children he fucking enslaved. How Bill Cosby got away with all kinds of sexual assault for decades. The rich are often literally above the law in this country, so having a down on his luck detective, who retroactively himself is a minority, go after him with the full support of an actually GOOD police officer who genuinely believes in these people being held accountable but is held back by his family’s safety.. it works. John isn’t able to skirt consequences BECAUSE of a corrupt system.. but because the system’s so broken and slanted in the rich’s favor, that the ONLY option an honest officer like Smirnov has is to go outside it. And when asked WHY he’s doing all of this, Smirnov merley replies

... I got chills, their multiplyin. So John plans to find the bulge eyed snake after a hot shower.. only for the guy to hold a gun to John’s head, having been waiting for him and wave the murder weapon, in a baggie around, the item he had retrieved, feeling John’s trying to replace him as number two. However before he can do anything our snake  pal is shot full of holes by the rat from before, who John dispatches with his own gun. 

So the Snake starts to expire.. but feels a kinship with John “We are nothing right cat? Spent so much time waiting for the right chance and when it happens it all falls to pieces”. The Snake explains his roll in things: He was one of the private security our big bad hired to guard Natalia. But being supscious he also hired the rat to follow her around, and thus found out about her affair, brutally torturing and murdering Leon and shooting Natalia in the head. And we finally get a name as our snake friend tragically expires. 

The snake’s death and tragic dying moments are something I forgot about.. but damn if their not really good writing, taking a character who before was seemingly just a murderous goon.. and comparing him to our hero. Another working class joe, and one who just caught up with the wrong asshole at the wrong time. He easily could’ve been john in another life and vice vers and it’s a good parallel. 

So John’s nightmares finally have  name and he naturally goes to confront the guy since he has an almost literal get out of jail free card. Turns out Smirnov is the richest man in town, and has his own big tower. Huh.. sounds familiar, and John simply sneaks his way up and once Statoc’s guards from before hear him rustling about.. sneaks up on them and clocks both one at at time with a fire extinqusher. 

Statoc warmly welcomes our hero inside, and has the fucking lizard balls, as he’s some sort of lizard himself, to offer John a JOB

I mean he’s clearly lost a lot of his goons and most of them were incompetent. He fails to realize that John can’t be bought, is here for vengeance and has no intention of selling his soul to some rich asshole who killed someone he loved for the creepiest and most asinine reasons imaginable. He says john’s Concisence is why he can’t pull the trigger and that he lacks “cold blood”.. before we cut to the next page, where John’s shot the fucker in the head and left a gaping hole where his lack of a brain was. 

And again what makes this work is the aftermath: John is clearly shaken, having ONLY been able to pull the trigger beause of Statoc’s smug grin and clearly not taking the sight of Statoc’s dead body bleeding out well. And while Smirnov keeps his word, covers for him despite the two guards clearly providing an iron clad argument against john and knoiwng thier blatantly covering this up.. he’s not happy about it. 

This is WHY the narrtive still works. Statoc stacked the law against the bad guys. .but despite this being a necessary evil.. it’s still an evil and subverting teh law at this rightly leaves him not in a great place mentally. John himself isn’t even if he plays it off as otherwise, as we get our final bit of narration and one hell of a closing line. 

Final Thoughts:

Somewhere in the Shadows is a bit rough around the edges, leaning a bit too heavily into the noir pastiche and Blacksad being a harboiled detective, something the next volume would ease up on. That being said.. it’s still a masterpiece, with gorgeous art and masterful pacing. While it’s the shortest of the stories, like those after it the pacing is sublime and never feels like it has any down moments or stuff that could’ve been cut, and the mystery keeps you on edge the whole time. Having forgot a lot of the details since last read I was on the edge of my seat the entire story and loving every second of it. Somewhere in the Shadows is the perfect starter for the series, introducing an important charcter in Smirnov and the noir nature and giving us a case personal to John so we can see who he was before, what he is now.. and what he WILL be for the rest of the series. The moment that MADE him into an even harder man than the one we follows here.. when he took a life in cold blood. A masterful story, seriously check it and the other volumes out, on comixology, in stores, great stuff. Next time we look into john and as I said, he’s taking down some racists and we also meet his sidekick weekly for the first time. As for me tommorow I dive back into my Tom Luictor retrospective but hit pause on our boy for a bit to take care of some of the larger plot.   Until the next rainbow, it’s been a pleasure. 

[our-time-is-now]

May, 24 2019 (1): At least you got the signatures

(previous play)

You can find more information about the authors, translators, content warning and additional information about the plays in the pinned post on our blog.

Friday, 6:05 pm:

David: *went back to Laura’s and his apartment sometime in the afternoon with Matteo and has been chilling with him on the bed playing some computer game* *is totally concentrated when Laura suddenly comes into the room without knocking* *looks at her indignantly because she usually never does that and is just about to complain when he sees and hears her talking on the phone: “Yes, Mama… no, otherwise everything is okay with us… no, he didn’t forget. He’s right next to me and waits for his turn on the phone… okay… yes… say hello to Papa… see you”!* *sees Laura hold out her phone to him with an apologizing look and immediately grimaces and shakes his head* *hears Laura whisper: “Today’s the 24th, it’s her birthday”!!!* *sighs and grimaces even more* *knows that if he doesn’t talk to her now, she will hold it against him in every future conversation* *briefly looks at Matteo, who is looking at him questioningly, and briefly shrugs – is going to explain all of that later – takes a deep breath and then takes Laura’s phone, who immediately disappears from his room* Hello Mama… Happy Birthday!... *listens to her for some time while she thanks him and tells him which of the relatives visited and who she celebrated with and what a shame it was that he and Laura weren’t able to come* Hmmm… yes, maybe again next year… No, I’m not really done… I still have to study in case I have to go to the oral exams… went quite well… yes… no… no… no, I think I’ll stay in Berlin… *sighs and tries to not sound annoyed* … still filmmaking… or art… *only adds the latter to annoy his mother* … yes, there are a few good ones… it’s Berlin, after all… *looks over at Matteo and slightly rolls his eyes* … quite good, actually… yes, like always every three to four weeks… no, I’m still waiting for the answer from the insurance… yes, I’m sure… *sighs* … yes, I thought it through… I know, that’s the point… *tries to change the topic* … and how is Papa? *listens to her for some time and hums every now and then* *at some point clears his throat* Listen, Mama, I have to go… I have a visitor… you don’t know him… Matteo… from school… *hesitates, but eventually says* We’re together… yes, together together… no, he knows… yes, imagine, he’s okay with it… *can feel again how much it hurts him that apparently it always surprises his mother that someone could like him even though they know that he’s trans* … I don’t know yet… yes, I’ll ask him… we’ll see… okay, see you… *ends the call, closes his eyes for a moment, groans, lets himself fall on the bed backwards and takes a deep breath* *always finds it really exhausting to talk to his mother* *looks at Matteo, who looks at him questioningly, and shrugs* Sorry… *grabs some chocolate from the nightstand and breaks some off* *needs either that or some beer right now* *holds the chocolate out to Matteo questioningly*

Matteo: *just like David, is surprised when Laura comes into the room without knocking* *realizes quickly that it must be their mother on the phone and tries to not make any noises* *listens to him and realizes that it must be about his injections* *would love to hug him but doesn’t want to interrupt or distract or make a sound* *grimaces slightly when David has to emphasize again that he has thought it through* *realizes that he doesn’t even know what David’s parents think about the whole thing* *bites on his bottom lip when David says his name and immediately shakes his head in case David looks at him* *doesn’t expect David to immediately tell his parents about it* *suddenly feels some anger rising when David says that he’s okay with it* *briefly has the urge to grab the phone and give his mother a piece of his mind* *sees David hang up the phone and fall back on the bed* *leans on his elbow, head on his hand, and looks at David* *would really like to say exactly the right thing, something nice, encouraging* *can only think of a stupid joke and simply tells it* I thought you killed your parents? *smiles a little and pushes some hair from his forehead with his free hand* *keeps his fingers in his hair and hopes that David knows that he’s there for him in case he wants to rant*

David: *looks at Matteo when he basically lies down beside him* *has to grin broadly at his next words* In my mind at least 50 times… *closes his eyes for a moment when he feels Matteo’s hand in his hair and realizes that he slowly relaxes again* *is used to such conversations but usually it takes longer to come down again* *opens his eyes again and looks up at Matteo* *then notices that Matte doesn’t know anything at all about his parents and explains* Don’t know… my mother somehow still questions all of that. I believe she’s been thinking for 10 years that it’s only a phase. And my father… he doesn’t really say anything. Really nothing. And if he does say something then I feel like he ignores the fact that I’m trans. He’s not really okay with it, at all… *shrugs* *is actually really glad that he doesn’t have to put up with it on a daily basis since he came to Berlin*

Matteo: *laughs slightly* Who hasn’t? *can practically see David relax a little and is somehow proud that he has that effect on him* *tilts his head a little when David starts to talk and listens to him attentively* *grimaces* Ugh, only a phase… sounds exhausting… *shakes his head* *carefully asks* Did you move in with Laura because of that? Well, I mean… a father who doesn’t talk to you, a mother who doesn't understand you… or… *shrugs*

David: *nods when Matteo says that it sounds exhausting and laughs drily* Oh yes… *hears his question and thinks* *would probably have to explain much more for Matteo to understand how it was really like with his parents, but first starts with answering his question* One of the reasons… it didn’t go that well in general. In school, everyone witnessed the transition and… well, they didn’t really know how to deal with that to say it nicely… and my mother always acted a little bit as if it was my fault and that I should show understanding that not everyone can accept it and always suggested that I should adapt a little bit more and stuff like that… the only one where I felt like she really understood me was my therapist. She has really strengthened me. But the situation at school didn’t get any better and then the sleep problems came along and… I had a couple of light panic attacks. And Laura had already been living in Berlin for a few years and suggested to my mother that I could move in with her. My mother was totally against me changing schools so shortly before Abi and we were arguing about it for a long time and at some point it was especially bad at school again and… well, you know my flight instinct… I simply got on a train to Berlin and showed up at Laura’s. *had been looking at the ceiling while he talked to be able to concentrate better, but now looks back at Matteo and smiles* *is glad that all of that is over now and that he mostly doesn’t have to deal with most of these things here in Berlin* *simply continues while looking at Matteo and grinning slightly* … and then… both Laura and I told my mother that I won’t come back… and then… I went to the new school here… and there I met this guy… and fell in love with him quite hard… and since then I’m really well distracted and only on birthdays do I get forced by my sister to talk to my parents…

Matteo: *listens to him* *frowns more and more while he talks* *feels the urge to protect David from al these stupid opinions and views flame up inside him* *is incredibly thankful right now that Laura exists and that she welcomed David with such open arms* *hasn’t taken his fingers out of David’s hair all this time and “squeezed” him a little more during some parts* *sees David look at him and hopes to have stopped his frowning and grimacing in time* *has to grin automatically when David is obviously talking about him and gets a little embarrassed* *under different circumstances would joke and ask who that guy is and that he would finish him off, or how insulting it is that he’s “only” a distraction, but somehow he doesn’t feel like it right now* *simply smiles and leans down a bit to give him a quick kiss* *quietly says* I love being your distraction. *smiles carefully* And I think it’s great that Laura helped you so much… and hey, you’re 18 now, now they can’t do anything anymore, anyways…

David: *smiles up at Matteo when he kisses him and declares that he loves being his distraction* Fits perfectly! *gets a little more serious and nods* Yes, Laura is awesome! I’m really grateful to her… *reaches for Matteo’s hand in his hair and entwines their fingers* *sighs quietly* Yes, but it still doesn’t stop my mother from arguing… *grins slightly* What do you think how long I had to argue for my mother to finally agree that I could get puberty blockers prescribed?! Or testo… *laughs quietly* … or the constant discussions why I cut off my hair!? *in hindsight and with the distance he has to his parents now, actually finds these discussions amusing, but back then it was a different matter* *sighs quietly* But at least now I don’t need their signature anymore… *plays a little with Matteo’s fingers while he talks*

Matteo: *keeps hold of his hand and keeps looking at him* *nods slightly and grimaces* *thinks it’s shitty that David’s parents didn’t think of the wellbeing of their child and only considered their own problems with that topic* *therefore asks* Didn’t they do research? *sighs quietly and shrugs one shoulder apologetically* And you haven’t seen them since you moved out? They don’t come here?

David: *thinks for a while about Matteo’s question and shrugs* I don’t even know… they did realize that I wasn’t totally the typical girl… and I went to therapy relatively early. When I finally knew what was going on with me and I told them, they didn’t really know what to do with it. They weren’t mad or anything, but they didn’t really take it seriously, either. And back then, there was a conversation with my therapist every 3 months where my mother had to come along. And she really talked to her about the topic together with me and gave her flyers and addresses. I do think that she did research, but I think that she was still hoping that it was all only a phase… *turns to his side to better look at Matteo and smiles slightly* *even though it’s a difficult topic, he likes telling Matteo about it* The doctors also gave her a lot of information… she did have to come along to the consultations and for the consent forms for puberty blockers and testo. *presses his lips together for a moment and continues* … but sometimes I think she only gave in so that the discussions would stop and because she was scared that otherwise I would pull back even further… *stops for a moment and then continues* And my father… I think he doesn’t want anything to do with it… he suppresses it somehow. He also avoids calling me by name or to use “he” when he talks about me. *shrugs again* No clue if he ever read anything on that topic. *turns back on his back, looks at the ceiling and shakes his head at Matteo’s question* They haven’t been here, yet… but I think it’s better like this. Laura and I went back once with a friend of hers, who owns a van, to get some of my stuff… Then, my mother was somehow… I don’t know… overprotective or something like that… but it somehow felt wrong. Laura says that she often asks when we’ll visit… she also just asked on the phone… *grins slightly* … she even said that I should bring you… but to be honest, I’m glad that I don’t have to argue anymore and that I’m left alone. And she isn’t serious about it, anyway! *looks back at Matteo to see if he has any more questions*

Matteo: *listens to him attentively* *in the meantime plays a little with his fingers* *nods and grimaces at the appropriate spots* Like I said, at least she signed… *is surprised that his mother said he could come along* Well, if you have to go there, I’ll come with you… as a distraction… I’ll wear run-down clothes for the occasion and only give short answers… then they can get upset about me… *grins slightly*

David: *smiles when Matteo says that he’ll come, but shakes his head* Believe me, you don’t want to do that to yourself… *then laughs at his next words* The way she is at the moment, she probably wouldn’t even get annoyed if you came naked… at least not in my presence… No idea what Laura then gets to hear because of that… *pushes his arm between Matteo’s propped-up arm and his head to pull him closer and to put his head on his shoulder and kiss him on his forehead once he has Matteo lying in the position he wants him in* *murmurs* But it would still be nice if you came along one day… at least we can complain about her together afterwards… *smiles at the thought of not having to face this alone anymore*

Matteo: *laughs slightly when he says the thing about being naked* I would distract them from you… *lets himself get moved by David and presses his nose against his neck* Of course I’ll come if you want to… and afterwards we’ll go get some ice cream and vent together… *looks up at him and presses a kiss on his chin* *then there’s a knock on the door and Laura comes in* *doesn’t move, Laura sees them on top of each other constantly, anyway* *sees her look at David worriedly and eventually say: “Wanted to get my phone back… and? How was it”?*

David: *smiles* Sounds good… *looks at Laura when she comes in but doesn’t move and only wraps his arms around Matteo more, so that it won’t even cross his mind to move* *points his head at the nightstand where he put Laura’s phone and then says with a shrug* Like always… school, university, if I’m sure I want the surgery… *huffs quietly* Oh, and she was surprised that I’m with Matteo even though he knows that I’m trans… and now I’m supposed to bring him along, one day… *sees Laura lift her eyebrows: “Seriously”!?* *nods and shrugs* *sees Laura address Matteo: “Think about it, if you want to do that to yourself… it’s not without reason that we fled to Berlin…”*

Matteo: *laughs and shrugs* Sure I’ll do that to myself… I’ll prepare a lot of bad jokes… and mention in every other sentence that I have no use for girls... it will be fine… *sees Laura laugh a little and look at him thankful: “Sounds like a plan… oh, by the way, are you guys going to stay? Do we want to cook something later”?* *nods* Yeah sure… I’ll be there in a minute to help you, ok? *sees Laura nod and grin and then leave* *looks at David when the door closes behind Laura* Everything all right?

David: *grins at Matteo’s answer to Laura and nods to the cooking* Oh, yes, I’d love that! Conversations with Mama are always so exhausting that I’m starved afterwards… *smiles when Matteo says that he’ll come help and adds* And I’ll come to watch you… *laughs quietly and looks after Laura before looking back at Matteo* *smiles when he sees his look and nods* Everything’s all right! *slightly smiles to himself when he thinks about the conversations from yesterday and today and says* Well, we wonderfully checked off the parent-topic within two days… and now we can turn our attention back to nicer things… *tries to pull Matteo on top of him and searches for his mouth to kiss him*

Matteo: *smiles when David says that everything’s all right* Okay, then… *also grins* Yes, you’re right… well done… *rolls slightly on top of him when he pulls and kisses him back* *pushes his leg between David’s and makes out with him for quite some time until he can hear Laura call from the kitchen* *lets go only reluctantly but does it anyways* I’m afraid we have to go help…

David: *enjoys the closeness to Matteo and even forgets for some time that they wanted to cook but then also hears Laura call* *at first tires to ignore it and grumbles quietly when Matteo lets go* *sighs* Okay… *waits for Matteo to climb off him and then gets up* *goes to the kitchen with him to help Laura*

(next play)

[twisted-trunk]

 I Don’t Have Time for This [A Day In The Life]

I drag myself up from my bed, heaving heavy winter blankets off of me. I take one step away from my place of rest and despair. My medicine, pills placed in two separate containers; morning and night, lay on the dresser that functions more as a tall nightstand. Choosing the one closest to the door, I squint and try to remember the day. It shouldn’t be so hard between taking my meds and keeping my medical diary. Good thing I don’t fully close the tab from the day before. 

I take my medicine: some float on the water in my mouth, some are small, some are big. I down half my water bottle. My heating pad clinks to life as I tap the remote on the cord three times then slink back into place. I maneuver my laptop in front of me, slightly tilted then click on a YouTube video.

The window for sleep is gone. 

I’m tired. 

I open my phone. 

The time flashes brightly at me then gives way to my home screen. I click the weather app. The barometer reads 1023 hPa (hexopascals; normal or one atmosphere is 1013 hPa), last night ended at 1018 hPa. What’s the point in this, I ask myself even as I dutifully record it in my medical diary; I feel like shit either way and it’s been doing fucking backflips. 

Next, I record the time: 6:35. It’s winter. The sun isn’t up. My birds are, for the moment, quiet. The house isn’t awake. Save for the annoying neighbor that straight-piped their muffler, the world is quiet. The fish tank’s filter pours water back down into the tank. Car lights flash on the wall through the slight opening my layered curtains allow. Soon, the sun will come and the light will force its way into my world far before I’m ready. 

I can already tell it won’t be a cloudy day. 

I click a new YouTube video, something’s ought to catch my attention. I pray the depression med will finally do something. I pray the rest of the medicine with do something. The dose of one has been upped, there has to be a difference, right?

Through muscle memory, I click through apps. Weather. Instagram. Solitaire. Tumblr. Instagram. Safari. Solitaire. 

I check the time. 

6:53 am. 

Unconsciously, I sigh. I check my blogs though I know nothing’s new, no one has interacted with them; no notifications tell me otherwise. Still, though, I check. Maybe someone will want to talk with me. I think I expressed that enough? I hope I did. 

I don’t want the disaster or awkwardness from attempting to make conversation first but then really having nothing to say besides please talk to me, give me something, anything, I need something to take my attention away. Let me know I’m not alone. 

7:03 am. 

Light is invading more of my space. I pull the stiff blankets up as a pathetic barrier against it. I exit the YouTube video and search my recommended for something. 

I refresh. 

I refresh again. 

One more time. I click on something. I play with my phone again. The water continues to fall and splash. I open a different app. The noise grates on my thin nerves if I focus on it. I try my mindless games. Nope. 

I flow through Instagram and tumblr and instagram again. 

8:59 am. 

It’s bright and I don’t want to get up but I’m thirsty, and it’s a horrible feeling and my mouth is dry and my doctor even prescribed me to drink more and I don’t want a kidney stone. 

I don’t know how long it takes, but I get up and trample around my bed to fold the curtains in. The best it’ll get. The room is shaded only slightly; more so if it were darker out. Winter, I think, it’ll be darker, I think, but as ever, I remind myself that snow reflects light and it will be worse than a bright summer’s day.  

I grab the same cup I used the day before. My inner germaphobe winces but nothing’s been in there but water; I barely had enough energy yesterday to make myself a small bowl of pasta. 

I throw my forlorn, now warm compress into the freezer and ensure it’s shut with a knee to handle. I hate this freezer. 

I refill my glass and go to the bathroom. 

I come back and stand in front of my bed. Just do it, it think. You’re already up, I think. 

I shame myself into doing my physical therapy—at least the exercises I am able to do. Halfway through my first, I remember the ones I could have done before ever getting up to warm myself up for the rest. That was the plan I’d had for two weeks yet could never quite do it without flipping the order. I’ll lay down again anyway, after this I won’t have much pith and vinegar left. 

I never do. 

A few in, the hardest ones, I feel sick. Whether it be the “exhaustion” or unintentional dehydration or my poor eating habit courtesy of a very sickly stomach, I don’t know. 

I grit my teeth and focus on whatever distraction I’d last clicked on. 

I do some stretches in the middle, finish what’s left of it all while I’m still up. Then I lay down. I open my phone again as I begin this round of exercises and stretches. 

10:15 am. I write down when I started in my medical diary, giving a very wide birth of time considering my... inabilities. 

I click through apps again. YouTube plays in the background. My birds rise to an unknown challenge. I get up and whisper sweet nothings at them, half chiding them for being so damn loud. They direct their complaints directly at me. I give them food and open their cage doors. One flies directly onto my shoulder. Another makes declaration and flies past me to a tall perch. Two others share the same shyness. The rest take their time. Despite the time I’ve spent with them and my attempts at training over the last year or so, the second two flee my attempts to hold them. The last addition plain out tries to bite me. He doesn’t do it hard and still takes my finger as a perch, but his cuddlebug-ness needs direction. Still, he has his moments. I mumble at him and lightly chide him, petting him with my cheek as one hand has my phone and the other is holding him. I set my phone down and make entreaty towards the shyer two. They make exclamation and half hearted attempts to flee. They’ll come around. They all will, eventually. But now I have to lay down again. 

I pause in my room again. I look around. At what, I’m not quite sure, the thoughts come and go, barely a thing left behind. I mull on the thought of food. 

Nah. Nothing’s “ready.” Pulling something together seems too much. I set my cuddle bug on a perch on their birdy playground I have set up in my room. It’s next to the bike I got as an early Christmas present. 

I gather my laptop and make myself comfortable on the bike. I watch a YouTube video, my phone still open on solitaire. 

The video ends. I catch a glimpse of the time: 11:45 am. 

Nearly time to take my midday pills, I think as my legs continue to move and my finger clicks on another video. 

Finally, something catches my attention. 

I still play solitaire on my phone. 

I add a science-y video to my watch list. 

I check the barometer. 

1019 hPa. 

I keep peddling. 

1:51 pm. 

I get up and take my midday pills. 

I blow kisses to my birds as I refill my water. 

I stare at the counter for a minute. Food, I think, it’s about time. I need food. I evaluate my appetite and what my stomach would accept. Spaghetti, I decide. I retrieve my laptop and listen to a tiktok while I wait for the water to boil, and eat. 

I retreat back to my room to lay down and record the time I took my meds and ate. 

I text a friend. Something they say triggers me. I take a breath. That’s not how they meant it, I say to myself and do my best to tone down my response. It still comes off rudely. I hope they don’t take it the wrong way. 

3:47 pm. 

The light has faded some, the shadows have shifted. 

My friend and I make light conversation. Something viscerally in me feels off. It’s like when I dread something. 

I try to distract myself. 

3:51 pm. 

I move back to my bike. 

3:56 pm. 

I keep peddling. 

4:03 pm. 

I keep peddling. 

4:08 pm. 

I keep peddling. 

4:12 pm. 

I keep peddling. 

4:16 pm. 

I refill my water bottle. 

4:23 pm. 

I keep peddling. 

4:27 pm. 

I keep peddling. 

4:34 pm. 

I keep peddling. 

1022 hPa. 

My room is slightly darker than before. A YouTube compilation drones in my vision. 

Tomorrow will be rinse and repeat.

For the nth time, I think about all that I could be doing. I know why I can’t yet I shame myself all the same. 

I find something interesting to watch. 

Then refresh. 

And refresh.

And refresh. 

And refresh. 

I give up and turn to Netflix. 

Nothing. 

Something borderline interesting. 

6:50 pm. 

Dinner, maybe? Energy level? Nada. I’ll think about it later. 

Another video plays. I play on my phone, half interested in everything. 

7:13 pm. 

Dinner? 

I need food, I think. 

Can’t. 

I’ll regret it, I know. 

I’ll probably binge some in the morning whenever I get up. 

I don’t move from my place. I try to down talk myself for bed, for the hope of not staying up half the night. 

I drag myself up from my bed, heaving heavy winter blankets off of me. I take one step away from my place of rest and despair. My medicine, pills placed in two separate containers; morning and night, lay on the dresser that functions more as a tall nightstand. I take my medicine: some float on the water in my mouth, some are small, some are big. I down half my water bottle. My heating pad clinks back to life as I tap the remote on the cord three times then slink back into place. I close my laptop and set it further from me. 

That sickly feeling comes back. 

I realize it’s dread. 

I open my phone. 

[NOTE: this is not about suicide—I noticed after writing this that some things could be taken in such a way, hence this note.]

12/7/20

To those suffering: I see you; I support you; I love you.

~Rosa ❤️

[soysaucevictim]

Final week of current challenge/program!

-

Nov. 21

I woke up barely before 1PM, today.

After some browsing and while listening to the Final TS YouTube Member Stream...

First, today’s DD. 30 side [elbow] plank knee taps with EC (15/15). Admittedly gotten through by the skin of my teeth and slightly sagging form.

Second, Day 25 of the YAC. 3 sets: 50″ boat pose + 50″ knee hug hold. Definitely taking some digging in. This final week is going to really kick my ass, I can tell. (As is frequently the case with these things.)

Last, Day 25 of TEN. Tendon Strength day. Counted 5 sets completed within time, +1 more overtime (to even things out at 3/3). Very manageable work.

I then got some dishes done and made today’s Hello Fresh meal. Chicken sausage and tomato risotto. It had lemony zucch ribbons, but one of them didn’t survive shipping too hot. I personally liked it and it was okay/accessible for pops. Never had zucch this way (marinated & uncooked), but I rather liked it (I ate all of it myself d/t dad’s dental situation and bro’s past complaints about sourness in things)!

Hit the showers and spent most of my night chatting and making Incorrect Sanders Sides Quotes from Metalocalypse. Which was pretty fun, ngl.

Got to bed in the red zone again, roughly same time as yesterday.

-

Nov. 22

I somehow woke up before 11AM... even tho that meant I was undersleeping by a few hours.

Spent time browsing before getting in my workout pretty early.

First, today’s DD. 2′ butt kicks with EC. I counted 250 reps, happy I maintained a bit above a steady 2/sec pace. I was re-listening to Inverness’s “Lost My Mind“ as BG noise. That song had a great and sustainable tempo to work along.

Second, Day 26 of the YAC. 3x50″ supermen holds, 50″ rest. Similar feelings as yesterday - things are getting pretty tough!

Last, Day 26 of TEN. Cardio day (and/or abs). I counted exactly 7 sets completed withing time. I kinda upped the pace in the latter 2 sets to try to gt all 7 in time. I did opt for stepping in/out of plank rather than jumping - just because of my energy levels. The up and downs were pretty tough - and plank rotations the least fun to do. Think there was a typo too and was told to always go by illustration > text. So I did plank jacks not plank kicks, too.

Spent good deal of rest of night chatting, watching Back to The Future with a friend, and other miscellany.

Got to bed a bit earlier than yesterday.

-

Nov. 23

I woke up a bit before noon.

After a bit of the usual and some errands, I did my exercise fairly early today.

First, today’s DD. 1′ hollow hold with EC. Intense, but manageable work. The minute felt a bit shorter than I expected today. Maybe because I was excited about a delivery I was expecting to arrive later.

Second, Day 27 of the YAC. 3 sets: 50″ boat pose + 50″ knee hug hold. Still a bit tough, but happy I could get through it.

Last, Day 27 of TEN. Cardio day. I counted 8 sets completed within time, +1 more overtime. I was mostly done with that last one by the time the chimes sounded. Noted a bit of complaining in left ankle and right knee - but I tried to mind how I made the impacts. Guts weren’t super happy and distracting - but I enjoyed it otherwise.

Made the family some dinner, installed that SSD with the tool kit that arrived today (which was a bit nerve-wracking, didn’t want to break or fry anything in the new laptop), and spent rest of night working on setting it up (while also chatting).

Got to bed a couple hours later than yesterday.

-

Nov. 24

I woke up after 11AM.

Spent a few hours setting up the new computer further and some dishes, before today’s exercise..

First, today’s DD. 2′ skiers with EC. I counted 85 reps by the end of it. Given the ROM of these, it was physically a challenge to get all that close to 1/sec. Regardless, a fun one.

Second, Day 28 of the YAC. 3x50″ supermen holds, 50″ rest. This took some doing - might’ve been made a bit tougher after all those skiers (which kinda has a deadlift action to it - as far as the lower back muscles are concerned.)

Last, Day 28 of TEN. Arm day. I barely managed exactly 15 sets in the duration - kinda sped up that last one to get it done in time. Tough, but not too shabby!

Spent a good chunk of the night getting the new computer set-up for art streaming. Me and friend eventually hit a soft wall for energy to go forward with that that night. Spent rest of it chatting and the usual BS.

Got to bed a little earlier than yesterday.

-

Nov. 25

I woke up after 11AM. Grossly underslept.

Got to group again today. I was there early so I threw down a couple sentences into that fic while I waited in the meeting room. Group went well enough, talked about grounding stuff.

Got home and did my exercises shortly after.

First, today’s DD. 10 cross tricep extensions with EC. I fully admit my form was a bit sloppy, but acceptable. I know you should drive the action equally between the arms, but I often leaned into one side to start the action before drawing on the other arm more.

Second, Day 29 of the YAC. 3 sets: 1′ boat pose + 1′ knee hug hold. That got pretty brutal, but I’m happy I was able to get through all the sets without dropping.

Last, Day 29 of TEN. Ab day. I counted 7 sets with in time, and 1 extra overtime. Neck was happy it could take a break for this sequence.

I then made today’s Hello Fresh Meal. Thai ginger curry. I was pretty much the only one who liked it (but then I do enjoy curry.) Probably won’t see a reprisal anytime soon.

I spent rest of day in kind of an overtired haze (with some Thanksgiving anxiety in the mix). Mostly the usual stuff and chatting.

Given how exhausted I was, I have no idea WHY I stayed up to around the same hour as last night.

-

Nov. 26

I woke up proper around 2PM.

I’m glad I elected to stay home for Thanksgiving today (and that Dad decided to stay too, he definitely thought Grandpa crossed a line last time I was over there.) Bro brought home some of what grandma made for the family, though.

Anyways, after some YouTube + Tumblr stuff, did my exercises...

First, accidentally redid yesterday’s DD because [stress] brain thought it was the 25th still. :P

Second, Day 30 of the Yoga Abs Challenge. 3x1′ supermen holds, 1′ rest. I made the dubious choice of eating some of the Thanksgiving dinner today. Did contend with a lil bit of heartburn after set 2, but I’m happy I could get through it.

Third, Day 30 of the TEN Program. Tendon strengthening day. I counted at least 3 completed circuits, maybe the 4th was within time. But my computer display went to sleep and didn’t hear the chimes before confirming timer was stopped.

Last, today’s DD. 1′ toe tap hops with EC. I counted 92 reps by the time was up - hovering at 1.5/sec. Not too shabby, was tempted to try to hit 2/sec, but at the rate I was going at, i didn’t feel up for it today. A pretty fun little exercise.

Did some dishes, spent time chatting and watching some stuff with a friend. Did a little bit of writing too.

I got to bed later than yesterday.

-

Nov. 27

I woke up after 11AM.

After some YouTube, I did my only intended exercise for the day (active rest day) - today’s DD. 20 up/down planks with EC. Wearing long sleeves always helps. Took a bit of grit - but mission accomplished.

I spent some time archiving my fitness blogging again.

Then I made today’s Hello Fresh Meal. Mozzarella and herb chicken. This was an enjoyable one for the family. I also appreciated that it was mostly a “set it and forget it“ kinda recipe too. Sometimes it’s nice to not have to babysit the meal so much and chill. (Especially on low energy days.)

After some of the usual, I did some dishes and updated my sleep data logs and revised some of the fitness archive. Spent rest of night chatting about that and about writing stuff.

I got to bed a little earlier than yesterday.

-

Summary of Experience:

I completed my challenge and program on the 26th.

The Yoga Abs Challenge started to really kick my butt in the last week - but I’m glad I got through it. The boats were a little relaxed (knees bent) - but no less a cakewalk. Though specified otherwise, I’m kind of glad I did this before my main workout. (Probably would’ve dropped earlier on the ab days, that’s for sure!)

I really enjoyed going through the TEN Program! It was fun to try to challenge myself to get as many circuits/sets in those ten minutes as I could. My numbers (minimum completed in time; might be worth charting this data by category of WO - such as “cardio” vs “arm” days):

3 sets: 2 days

5 sets: 7 days

6 sets: 4 days

7 sets: 7 days

8 sets: 3 days

9 sets: 3 days

12 sets: 1 days

14 sets: 1 days

15 sets: 2 days 

And I counted 16 days where I did at least one extra set overtime, either for symmetry (especially in the cases of “tendon strengthening” days) or because I was mostly done with it before the chimes sounded!

[janaonthepct]

Why I’m leaving the trail...

Wow. What a way to start off a blog post guys, am I right? To keep the story arch intact and to possibly annoy you a bit longer with the question of whether the headline actually means what you think it means, let's start where we left off last time:

Day - I don't really know what day it was - at mile 152 sitting at the Paradise Valley Cafe devouring a typical American breakfast: pancakes, eggs and bacon. We had left camp pretty early in the morning to cruise down the last 10ish miles to the Cafe fast enough to have breakfast at an appropriate time because everyone told us it's definitely worth the 1 mile detour off of the trail and because we were craving a proper breakfast. Let's say this: they didn't lie ;)

We were going so fast that I even missed the 150-mile marker of the trail. Oh well, technically these little markers aren't supposed to be there anyways. A big principle on the trail is the LNT - leave no trace - principle and apparently even rearranging stones to form a number is too much of a trace to have. But the big milestones usually still have them anyways. We arrived at the Cafe where we met a ton of other PCT hikers that had started that day with the same idea as us. Talking to them we heard a lot of rumors and reports of the upcoming miles being decently sketchy and snowy enough to be needing micro spikes and possibly even an ice axe. Stories were going around of people having fallen off of ridges, getting injured and helicopter rescues and everyone was starting to worry and having to estimate the personal risk they were willing to take.

Every time we got out of the mountains and off of the trail at least for me it has been a very overwhelming experience. On the trail I barely used my phone, for one because I didn't really have that much cell service anyways and also because I enjoyed being fully out there without all the noise and distractions of modern technology. Some people enjoy hiking with music or podcasts, I literally only used my phone to take pictures and to locate myself with GPS to keep track of the trail and where to get water and such. So whenever we'd end up in a "more civilized" place, meaning a town or a restaurant, immediately many things would happen at once and in a very condensed time: While trying to get some proper food into your system, you are also faced with figuring out the next steps (whether that means where to hike to further that day, booking a room in a town or figuring out all the things you need to resupply on), your phone is going insane with a ton of messages, there is a lot of noise and people around you (more then you usually experience in one or two full days on trail), you’re probably also contemplating whether you already smell so bad that a shower and a laundry are needed and at the same time you are socializing with all the other hikers you haven't seen in a couple days exchanging stories of things you've seen or heard or comparing gear and food choices.

Back at Paradise Valley Cafe I was still chewing on my bacon and pancakes while Zack had already decided with Paul and Alex to hitch into Idyllwild quickly to grab some new micro spikes to tackle the upcoming section that afternoon, Nadine had already organized a ride from an amazing trail angel Jodie (we had met her at the barbecue before Warner springs) to get back to San Diego, where she was going to rent a car for the last couple days she'd be in the US before heading back the UK (she had only intended to hike the first two weeks with Paul and had done so amazingly covering over 150 miles!) and I was left with a difficult decision: I could either continue hiking with the boys, either having to buy new micro spikes in Idyllwild as well or not going with any spikes and risking injuries and sliding off or I could take the ride to San Diego with Nadine and wait for my micro spikes. I thought I wouldn't need them until the Sierras (the big mountains in Central California) and had left them in my friend's car and Olive had left the US to go to Mexico for a couple days so I had to wait for her to get back before getting to the car... (it's a long story I know)

Since Zack was already on his way to Idyllwild and I also didn't fully see a point in getting new micro spikes since mine were so close and perfectly fine also (yes, this is my German side speaking), I decided to join Nadine for the ride back to San Diego and luckily had an amazing friend there which was spontaneous and kind enough to let me stay at her place for another two nights after only getting notified literally 10 minutes before I was planning to leave the Cafe (you are the best Allison!). So here I was, back at the starting point in San Diego, two weeks and 150 miles later. I was kind of glad Olive was still in Mexico because that gave me three days off of the trail to get some perspective and to figure some things out.

Let me preface this by saying two things: 1. I absolutely LOVED every minute and every step of the trail! 2. None of what I'm writing here has to make any sense to anybody else, it's just some truths I have found to be fitting at the current time and place for me.

Ever since I stepped foot on the trail I was having a wonderful time. Being out there, living simply, being active and challenging your body, meeting like-minded people and having space for yourself, it just all made perfect sense to me. I realized I'm great at doing these things too and enjoy them a lot. I also realized some other things though. But since I don’t want to turn this blogpost into a novel (it’s getting there I know) here’s the short summary: - Although I’ve been having a grand time on the trail I just realized that I am currently in a point of my life where I want to commit to something, get working and stay somewhere for a while. I realized finishing the trail might not get me any further in knowing what a next step could be and instead of avoiding this decision, I knew I wanted to take action now. - I want to give back rather then receive. The trail is so much based around receiving help and kindness, which makes it very special. I feel like I am at a place in my life right now where I am capable of giving and I want to use that knowledge and spread joy. I guess I want to be on the giving end. - As much as this might be a once in a lifetime experience or chance I don’t feel like it has to be and I know that this isn’t going to be my last time going to the US and seeing all my amazing friends here again. So, I didn’t feel like this chapter really needed closure or a full stop. Instead I just absolutely rejoiced in reuniting with friends here, exploring new places and remembering old ones.

Anyways. Here I was having found these truths but also still really enjoying the trail and my hiking group. After Olive got back from Mexico we talked some more about it and came to the conclusion that I was going to reunite with my hiking group for a couple more days and then leave the trail from Big Bear Lake, a small hiker town in the mountains just off of the trail. The boys had successfully conquered San Jacinto in those days so I joined them about 50 miles later in Cabazon and did another 70-80 miles with them. And what a beautiful and rewarding 4 days those were. The landscape was absolutely gorgeous, we had super-hot desert, river crossings, snow and below freezing temperatures all within 24 hours. Lots of elevation gain and loss, lots of wind, lots of beautiful valleys and outlooks, lots of flowers and lizards. We got to Big Bear and had another full Zero day together. It was a wonderful way for me to come to an (at least temporary) end of the trail. I never wanted to leave on a bad note hating the experience, getting injured or feeling homesick or whatever. The trail and everything it entails has been nothing but outstanding and I am very grateful for this! It was hard to say goodbye to the boys but I hope it’s more of a “see you again very soon”. I am now their personal cheering squad.

(Some impressions from the last days on trail and saying goodbye to the boys)

I’ve been off of the trail for about 10 days now. Me and Olive had a super fun week together driving a little bit of the distance back north, meeting friends and also having a couple days just as the two of us roadtripping. We went to Santa Barbara, back to Monterey and then had two days in San Francisco and Point Reyes (a super cool national park right across San Francisco over the Golden Gate bridge). I then took the train back north to Portland where I had two days exploring a bit more and spending time with special and beautiful people and now I’ve been back in Port Townsend. I’m leaving the US next Monday, flying to London (because there were no good straight flights to Germany but also mainly because that means I get to see Nadine again, see London for the first time and even meet some other dear friends who live there). I will have another week there and then I am BAAAACK.

Super stoked to see you all again and to get started. The adventure definitely isn’t over. More steps coming. Let me know if you want me to keep the blog running though.

(Photos from the days after the trail)

Ihr lieben, der Blogpost ist definitiv zu lang geworden um hier eine komplette Übersetzung zu schreiben. Die zentrale Aussage: Ich komme zurück nach Deutschland :) Nicht weil mir das Wandern keinen Spaß macht, oder weil etwas Schlimmes passiert ist, sondern einfach weil ich gemerkt habe dass ich aktuell lieber einen nächsten Schritt in meinem Leben gehen will und an einem Ort ankommen will. Ich erzähle euch gerne mehr dazu, wenn wir uns mal wieder in Person treffen. Bin ab Anfang Mai wieder in Deutschland, nach einem kurzen Zwischenstopp in London. Freue mich euch wiederzusehen!!! Cheers, Jana

[theragamuffininitiative]

Tagged!

@dearponty tagged me in this one, thanks friend! ^_^

@notatypicaldimension, @thisbibliomaniac, @crazytwist09, @party-with-books, @enchantedblackforest, @mariposamonarch (if you wonderful peoples want to. And even if I didn’t tag you, feel free! That’s a constant rule on this blog. :) )

— what was your last…

1. drink: orange juice

2. phone call: My mom or my grandmother.

3. text message: My sister-in-law.

4. song you listened to: "He’s Not Here!” from !Hero

5. time you cried: It’s been a little while. I’ve gotten teary over a lot of beautiful things especially over Easter, and I got pretty upset over something dumb that made me want to cry in anger, but I haven’t actually cried in a bit.

— have you ever…

6. dated someone twice: Nope

7. kissed someone and regretted it: Nada

8. been cheated on: Negatory

9. lost someone special: Yes.

10. been depressed: Yup.

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: Nope-aroo.

— fave colours

12. Purple

13. Navy + assorted blues

14. Peach/Coral <<same as Ponty

— in the last year have you…

15. made new friends: Yesss. Love them. ^_^

16. fallen out of love: You have to first be in love for this one, right? XD

17. laughed until you cried: Yeahhh lol

18. found out someone was talking about you: Yes but so far not in a bad way?

19. met someone who changed you: I think everyone you meet changes you, but yeah I can think of a good few.

20. found out who your friends are: I love how this assumes we all constantly get ourselves embroiled in toxic relationships we have to discover aren’t true. Like, I am way too cautious in initiating relationships for that. It may happen, but not yet. I’ve got good friends and I love them.

21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list: Ew. No.

— general

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl: Most all of them, but most of them not very well.

23. do you have any pets: I MISS MY PUPPER AND MY KITTEHS. Technically I have a godchild cat...or niece cat...something like that. She’s a percentage mine. XD

24. do you want to change your name: Nah.

25. what did you do for your last birthday: I spent time with family, spread out over a couple days and tbh I kinda don’t remember a whole lot. I think I watched a movie, my fam made me dinner and there were sweet cards and gifts. ^_^

26. what time did you wake up today: 9 am. I stayed up late last night. XD

27. what were you doing at midnight last night: Watching !Hero: the Rock Opera, and also getting distracted not watching !Hero.

28. what is something you can’t wait for: This askjdlgs episode of Supergirl - alternatively, “Jeremy Jordan returning to Broadway.” Also, getting to see The Lion King in about a month. !!!

30. what are you listening to right now: Traffic outside my apartment. Birds in the courtyard. Occasionally my neighbor moving around upstairs.

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom: Yup. A couple Thomases, and I worked with a Tom previously, and work with a much nicer Tom now.

32. something that’s getting on your nerves: Supergirl’s deeply flawed existence is a constant mood, and I’m having frustrations with a relationship that I don’t know how to solve. :/

33. most visited website: Youtube and Tumblr are probably about equal.

34. hair colour: Hehe wouldn’t you like to know. <<I second Ponty. ;) ;)

35. long or short hair: Longish. Thinking about getting it cut, but idk how short.

36. do you have a crush on someone: I get friend crushes a lot. Like I fall hopelessly in love with somebody, but not in a romantic way, just in a “I want to hang out with you and do dumb fun stuff together because you seem so cool” sort of way.

37. what do you like about yourself: I always seem to answer these the same way, but whatever? I like my (semi dormant?? ha) creativity, and that I’m usually a pretty patient, forgiving person. That might sound weird, or bragging, but it’s not something that comes without practice, so I think it’s okay for me to like/be proud of that.

38. want any piercings: I’ve been saying I should get my ears pierced for like ten years now.

39. blood type: I honestly have no idea, why don’t they give you this information when you get a copy of your birth certificate, or have a check-up? Seems kinda important. XD

40. nicknames: Here? “Rags” and many variations thereof. I also have a lot of nicknames irl but a lot of them have kind of petered out of usage.

41. relationship status: Single pringleeeeee.

42. sign: Aquarius I think but it has no relevance so.

43. pronouns: she/her

44. fave tv show: Fringe or White Collar or Psych maybe.

45. tattoos: I don’t have any, but if I ever got one, it’d be Needtobreathe lyrics.

46. right or left handed: Right. Which is funny because in the artistic circles I run in, I’ve often been the odd one out. XD

47. ever had surgery: I split my head open once. That explains a lot. ;)

48. piercings: Noooone

49. sport: BASEBALL

50. vacation: NYC (literally just to see shows) or the mountains somewhere or Europe, particularly Edinburgh and London. And anywhere honestly on the East coast of this country, because it’s so rich in history.

51. trainers: Shoes, right? Or people who have trained me?? I’m confused. I buy from Payless. I like Converse but who can afford them. XD I’d rather wear something sensible but stylish anyway, and the one shoe I actually care about is Oxfords. I want me a pair of Oxfords.

— more general

52. eating: I am so hungry. I’m going to swing by a cafe and eat because I have a freebie there. But generally, I love pasta and pizza and eggs and toast for breakfast. And fruit.

53. drinking: Water, tea, orange juice, Pepsi.

54. I’m about to watch: I have a bunch of things in my Youtube “watch later” list, including some talks by Jason Robert Brown. Oh! I’m going to rewatch Doctor Strange with some of my favorite peeps tonight. ^_^

55. waiting for: “Schott Through the Heart” and Lion King again. Also, the lunch rush to pass before I go to the cafe.

56. want: Actual furniture in my bedroom. It’s beginning to bother me. I just want a little desk, a little shelf, and a little nightstand like thing. I can wait longer for a proper bed.

57. get married: Maybe someday. I’m not seeking it out right now. :)

58. career: I’ve just started my first job in a theater, and though it’s not with the production process itself, I am loving it, and hoping to move backstage sometime soon. I want to have a career in theater, probably as a writer or at least writing scripts/novels on the side.

— which is better

59. hugs or kisses: hugs

60. lips or eyes: eyes

61. shorter or taller: shorter?

62. older or younger: older?

63. nice arms or stomach: ?? what kind of a. Smile. Nice smile is 100% the most attractive thing.

64. hookup or relationships: relationships. 100%. <<amen

65. troublemaker or hesitant: In a relationship?? Hesitant, I guess, if it means they/you are being careful and serious.

— have you ever

66. kissed a stranger: Nope

67. drank hard liquor: No why would i put myself through that miserable experience lol <<<saaaaame

68. turned someone down: A couple of times.

69. sex on first date: no

70: broken someone’s heart: Doubtful.

71. had your heart broken: Nope.

72. been arrested: Ha. No.

73. cried when someone died: Yes.

74. fallen for a friend: Again, no. Although idealistically that’s a cool way to go. :)

— do you believe in

75. yourself: To a healthy extent, I think. I believe in other things more, but I definitely believe in what I ought to be doing and how I have to work to do. I’ve gained a lot of self-confidence in the past four years, kind of a totally different person now - thank heaven.

76. miracles: I see them all the time.

77. love at first sight: Ish? Appreciation/attraction/clicking immediately can happen, and that can grow into love.

78. santa claus: He exists in every way that counts.

79. angels: Yes.

— misc

80. eye colour: Wouldn’t you like to knoooooow. ;) Idk, it’s probably in another tag/ask post I’ve done on here somewhere lol.

81. best friend’s name: I don’t know that I have one exact best friend rn. There are a handful of individuals I am super close to, and people I know I can tell anything to, and people I just love to hang out with, and I always want to make them happy. <3

82. favourite movie: Newsies Live. It counts, and I know for a fact I have watched it more than any other movie so there.

83. favourite actor: Jeremy Jordan. (woooooowwwww shooockkkerrrrrr)

84. favourite cartoon: Tangled: the Series, and Trollhunters. (Those count, right?) I didn’t watch a lot of traditional cartoons growing up. Just Disney movies.

85. favourite teacher’s name: If I say anyone other than my amazing mother who homeschooled me and my siblings, I’d have to say: Clint. He taught me how to play guitar, and he was pretty fantastic as a role model too. I loved being his student, even if I was too withdrawn at the time to properly take advantage of it or show my appreciation for him.

[foundcarcosa]

ccc.

1. Favorite childhood book? >> (Three hundred surveys posted to this blog, wow. --I mean, over the course of nearly a decade I’ve probably filled out at least ten thousand, but.) I think that distinction would have to go to The Phantom Tollbooth. It’s one of the only books I remember owning, probably because I’d paged through it so many times. I also modified all the illustrations with pen so that Milo looked like a woman. 2. What are you reading right now? >> Condensed Chaos by Phil Hine -- more like limping through it, because I stopped setting aside time specifically for reading so I just end up grabbing a half a chapter here and there. I’ll have to do something about that. I’d started The Poisonwood Bible a while ago, too, but I keep forgetting to continue it. 3. What books do you have on request at the library? >> I rarely borrow books from the library unless they’re e-books because of my tendency to have to repeatedly renew and eventually take it back before I’m finished because I ran out of renews. 4. Bad book habit? >> Not reading. 5. What do you currently have checked out at the library? >> I don’t, for the reasons stated above. But for all the shit I talk about Grand Rapids, it has a lovely main branch, so I’ll probably end up stopping in again soon, maybe spending a few hours there for a change of scenery.

6. Do you have an e-reader? >> I have a phone, which functions as my e-reader. I also have a Kindle, but between its wack amount of storage space and its quick-draining battery, it’s been relegated to the position of glorified mousepad at this point. (It’s too bad, because I like the screen size.) 7. Do you prefer to read one book at a time, or several at once? >> Two or three at once. I think it’s interesting to see if/how they subconsciously weave themselves together in my imagination, even if -- especially if -- they’re about completely unrelated things. 8. Have your reading habits changed since starting a blog? >> It’s the internet in general that interferes with my reading habits, not just tumblr, but tumblr obviously plays a part. 9. Least favorite book you read this year (so far?) >> I quit on Cormac McCarthy’s The Road like 10 pages in, and I don’t usually do that but for some reason I got bored really quickly and couldn’t see the point in pushing through. That’s not a total vote in its disfavour because I didn’t actually form a full opinion. Sometimes I just pick up a book at the wrong time and have to wait until I reach the point in my life when I’ll need it. I’ll probably try again in a couple of years. 10. Favorite book you’ve read this year? >> I really enjoyed Reincarnation Blues, I thought it was an amazing story. I also got a lot out of M. K. Asante Jr’s It’s Bigger Than Hip Hop. When the Stars Are Right by Scott R Jones was fascinating as hell, and then of course there was my long-overdue (or maybe right-on-time, considering...) American Gods reread... 11. How often do you read out of your comfort zone? >> Occasionally. The thing is, there are so many books in my comfort zone that I want to read... 12. What is your reading comfort zone? >> I don’t know if it’s quantifiable. I like a lot of different kinds of books. I usually know within 10-15 pages of a book if I’m going to like it or not -- I try not to judge books by their covers, but I definitely judge them by their first chapter. 13. Can you read on the bus? >> Sometimes, but I generally prefer to listen to music and look out the window.

14. Favorite place to read? >> In bed. 15. What is your policy on book lending? >> I’ll give books away. Just take it, read it. Pay it forward. I don’t like to hoard books. 16. Do you ever dog-ear books? >> Hell yes, I do. They’re not a sacred object to me; their contents may well be sacred, but their contents already exist in me because I ate them.  17. Do you ever write in the margins of your books? >> Nah. 18. Not even with text books? >> I don’t use textbooks. 19. What is your favorite language to read in? >> I can only read in English. 20. What makes you love a book? >> It’s a very visceral and subconscious thing, and it’s not dependent on genre or the politics of the author or any of that as much as it’s dependent on who I am at that moment in time, what story I need to hear, and how lovingly the author told it. That sounds like it only applies to fiction books, but it really doesn’t.  21. What will inspire you to recommend a book? >> Some level of understanding of the person I’m recommending it to. 22. Favorite genre? >> I don’t know, honestly. 23. Genre you rarely read (but wish you did?) >> I wish I read more science fiction. The thing is, most of the scifi stories I love I kind of stumbled into accidentally. Whenever I go looking for scifi specifically, I run into a lot of duds (not that they’re badly written or anything, just that they’re bad for me). I’m going to try Philip K Dick soon and I hope that works out okay. 24. Favorite biography? >> I don’t have one. 25. Have you ever read a self-help book? >> Sure, but I don’t make a habit of it.

26. Favorite cookbook? >> I don’t have one. Well, okay, Feeding Hannibal is pretty cool, ngl, but mostly for the information rather than the actual recipes. We can’t afford to (or don’t have the room/appliances to) make most of that stuff. 27. Most inspirational book you’ve read this year (fiction or non-fiction)? >> Definitely American Gods, but that’s a hard-to-explain thing, lol. The Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are is a good runner-up, because as far as inspiration is concerned, Alan Watts probably had more than his fair share of it. (Do comic books count, because if so I’d like to also add in Promethea.) 28. Favorite reading snack? >> Alcohol. (But also anything I can eat with one hand, or doesn’t require a lot of, like, attention.) 29. Name a case in which hype ruined your reading experience. >> I don’t think that’s ever happened. 30. How often do you agree with critics about a book? >> I don’t read critic reviews often enough to know what the ratio of agreement to disagreement would even be like. 31. How do you feel about giving bad/negative reviews? >> A negative review is just as valuable as a positive review. I’d prefer people not be nasty in their negative reviews, but like... I also don’t have to read their review if I don’t like it. It’s not that big of a deal to me. 32. If you could read in a foreign language, which language would you chose? >> Russian, probably. I imagine untranslated Russian lit would be amazing to read. 33. Most intimidating book you’ve ever read? >> And actually finished? Ha! Let’s see... as far as length, I’d probably pick whatever the longest Stephen King book that I’ve read is. (He meanders, man. He fucking meanders. It’s great, but dear god.) As far as content, I’m probably gonna go with Atlas Shrugged. For, I mean, obvious reasons, really. 34. Most intimidating book you’re too nervous to begin? >> That doesn’t really happen to me. If I want to read something, I’ll start reading it. If it proves prohibitive to my limited ability to understand shit, then I’ll put it down and move on. 35. Favorite poet? >> I don’t have one. 36. How many books do you usually have checked out of the library at any given time? >> Zero. When I do check out from the library, I stick to three books max. 37. How often have you returned book to the library unread? >> Quite often. Usually because I ran out of time. 38. Favorite fictional character? >> YEAH, OKAY. 39. Favorite fictional villain? >> Actually that is almost impossible for me to determine because I don’t even put the “villain” flag on characters unless it’s super fucking obvious (like in a comic book) that they’re supposed to be the Token Bad Guy. I just don’t even think in those terms. -- Now that I say that, though, I remembered that Stephen King characters are written very polarised despite my personal interpretations of them, so I suppose my favourite villain is Walter O’Dim. 40. Books I’m most likely to bring on vacation? >> I don’t know, I don’t usually have time to read on vacation. Unless it’s on the plane or something, in which case I just bring whatever I happen to be reading at the time. It’s usually on my phone, anyway. 41. The longest I’ve gone without reading. >> I mean, I don’t go a day without reading something, even if it’s just articles I saw on my facebook feed. 42. Name a book that you could/would not finish. >> Fifty Shades of Grey. (I did try. I wrote detailed posts about my thoughts during my attempt to read it. They’re still on my old blog.) 43. What distracts you easily when you’re reading? >> Everything. It’s just hard for me to turn the “noise” (literal and figurative noise) of the world off in general, which is why I like it quiet when I’m trying to focus. 44. Favorite film adaptation of a novel? >> Well, LOTR. I was going to say Predestination but All You Zombies isn’t a novel. Uhh.... :/ 45. Most disappointing film adaptation? >> Good god, so many. 46. The most money I’ve ever spent in the bookstore at one time? >> Around $100, I guess. I don’t have much money in general so I try to just... avoid bookstores. 47. How often do you skim a book before reading it? >> I don’t. The first-chapter test usually works just fine. 48. What would cause you to stop reading a book half-way through? >> Boredom. 49. Do you like to keep your books organized? >> Well, we don’t own enough for a complex system to be required. 50. Do you prefer to keep books or give them away once you’ve read them? >> I really prefer to give them away. It’s just... I’m not a hoarder (I don’t even mean that in the negative sense, I just mean I don’t like hanging onto stuff I’m not actively using). I spent just about all of my adult life up until 2 years ago homeless or some version of transient and having to be ruthlessly exacting about how many belongings I had at any given time really changed the way my brain works regarding material items. I love being able to own things now, but it’s... hard to enjoy having too many objects. I get tetchy. It feels inorganic. Maybe that’ll change in the future (these things often do), but for now owning more than 20 or so books feels like an overindulgence. 51. Are there any books you’ve been avoiding? >> I don’t think so. 52. Name a book that made you angry. >> I can’t think of one right now. 53. A book you didn’t expect to like but did? >> The Fountainhead. Any Rand book, actually, because Vlad couldn’t stand her and we had such similar tastes in media that I figured I wouldn’t either. But the immense amount of annoying peer pressure from Sigma eventually got me to pick it up just to get them off my back, and..... well, the rest is hilarious “I’m in love with a crazy Russian woman who makes me want to yell at her constantly” history. 54. A book that you expected to like but didn’t? >> I don’t know. That doesn’t happen very often. 55. Favorite guilt-free, pleasure reading? >> All of it? I don’t feel guilty about anything I read.

[deliverydefresas]

we push and pull like a magnet do

look at me forcing myself to stay on schedule lmao. not even close to proofread but y’all know that already. 

part 1 | part 2 | part 3  

au: famous!simón meets college!ámbar

“It wasn’t a date.”

“It was.”

“It wasn’t.”

“It so was!”

“For the last time, it wasn’t a date!”

“Honey, he invited you for coffee, paid for your food, you both asked personal questions, he gave you a ride home… he freaking met your mom! It screams date. With capital d.”

Ámbar scoffed. “Freaking? What, you stopped cursing now?”

“I’m trying to quit; I almost said ‘fuck’ when my I.L. teacher asked me a question yesterday, he gave me the death glare and I thought for sure the vein in his forehead would pop and cover me in blood.” Emilia paused, “dammit, you’re a bad influence, I was doing so good.”

She raised her brow, “I’m not in charge of what you say, you idiot.”

“But you encourage me to curse, like the wicked witch you are.” She flipped her off, then. Emilia just puckered her lips up, sending her a kiss. “Anyway, your distraction ends now, stop swimming in your river and accept it; you and pinkboi went on a date.”

“My river?”

“Y’know, the Nile? Denial.”

“Hilarious.” She deadpanned.

“I would slay as a comedian.”

Ámbar decided she’d ignore her best friend for the rest of their lunch. It’d been almost three weeks and Emilia still hadn’t dropped the subject. So, what if it sounded like she had a date? Ámbar had very clear that it hadn’t been one, and she was sure Simón knew it too. Besides, she didn’t like him. Sure, they had fun, and sure, he wasn’t nearly as bad as she’d expected; but never, not once, did it cross her mind to see it as anything but an interview.

Which, by the way, had broken records on the Fab & Chic. Jazmín and Delfi hadn’t been happy at first that she’d gone solo and met Simón on her own, or that it’d been her who he gave the exclusive (that she didn’t know it was an exclusive in the first place) about the band nearly splitting up years ago; but the exposure (and money) other media and fans had given the blog in the last two weeks was more than enough to shut their mouths and be appreciative of it. Thanks to it, Jazmín and Delfi had been offered internships on two of the best magazines in the city, and a potential place for a future job to start their careers.

Ámbar, however, got enough money to pay next semester’s scholarship without her mom’s help. Maybe two more if she worked a summer job, and her dad sent her allowance on time; which he most likely would, since he didn’t have to pay two months of his little brother’s school.

She had thought of sending Simón an e-mail to thank him, or maybe even a card; but decided against it since the dude was, well, famous, and probably received thousands of those daily. The chances of him reading it were slim to none, and most likely than not, it’d go to junk-mail.

Plus, Simón really didn’t strike him as someone who read his e-mails.

“- Mrs. Álvarez.” Emilia caught her attention. “Ha! You responded to that! You must be thinking of marrying that dude and picking your children’s names and everything!”

She glared at her. “It was just a coincidence I tuned into your delirious words when you said it.”

“Nah-uh. Tell me, are you marrying in white? Beige? Are you changing your name to his? Will you have a girl or a boy first? It’s totally a girl, isn’t it?”

“We don’t change names here!” Her best friend ignored her, continuing her ranting.

“I can totally see it. A girl, with fake blonde hair, his curls, your face and his dimples; hopefully with his butt because, no offense, but yours is none-existing.”

“Are you sexualizing my hypothetic child?” Again, she was ignored.

“You should name her after me because I’m awesome. Think about it: Emilia Álvarez Smith. Oh, or maybe like that Mean Girls girl. Huh, Regina Álvarez Smith doesn’t sound that nice, forget I said that. What about a stuck up, bitchy girl? I had this classmate in México and she sucked. Her name was M-”

“Stop naming my non-existing daughter!”

“I’m sure pinkboi would love my names, no worries.”

“Then you have kids with him!”

“I have Benny already, and no offense, but he’s hotter than your boy.”  

“You’re an idiot and I hate you a lot right now.”

Emilia smirked. “Now, now, don’t bring out the claws just because you wish your boy was hot like mine.”

Before she could retort with a sarcastic answer like she wanted, her phone vibrated on the table. Seeing Jazmín’s name on the screen threw her off; because she never called unless she needed Ámbar to do something for her and the blog.

“Hello?”

“Can I give your number to Simón?” As usual, the redhead never disappointed with her greetings.

“What?” Emilia arched her brow, silently asking who it was. When she mouthed Jazmín, her friend pretended to gag; she just rolled her eyes at her antics.

Jazmín’s sigh of annoyance was heard through the phone. “He e-mailed the Fab and Chic asking for your number. I’m asking you if I can give it to him since you’d probably kick my ass if I just gave it to him without warning.”

She would. “How are you sure it’s him? Does the guy even use his e-mail?” At this point, the other blonde was gesturing wildly to turn on the speaker. Ámbar just flipped her off.

“I e-mailed his agent and he confirmed it was his personal account.”

What did that guy want, now?

“Fine. But if I’m kidnapped or something it’s on you.”

Jazmín just hung op on her. She had been bitter two weeks ago, and she probably still was. Simón was her celebrity crush, and she was the biggest Rollerband fan she knew of; buttchin trying to contact her specifically must’ve been salt on her wounded pride. Not like she actually cared, but the boy wasn’t some thing, he was someone and Jazmín couldn’t call dibs on him like it was her property.

But, again, she didn’t like him. She just cared for his right to not be objectified.

“Well, goodbye to you too.” She muttered before locking her phone and putting it away on the table.

“What did gingerbread want now?” Emilia asked eagerly.

“Buttchin e-mailed the Fab & Chic and asked for my number. She was just asking if she could give it to him.”

The gasp that came out from her friend’s mouth should be illegal. The girl actually shrieked, “I told you! I fucking told you so! He liiiiiikes you!”

By now, half the lunch counter was glaring at them. “Would you shut up?” She hissed, “he doesn’t like me. He’s probably asking because the idiot forgot to ask for his beanie back.”

“Yeah, right. You seriously buy that bullshit? The dude is probably naming your kids right now.”

“What’s with you and thinking people are naming their kids?”

“Benny and I have. We’re naming one Bernardo and the other Esther.”

“Do you want your kids to be bullied?”

“My kids will be bad-asses, if anything they’ll bully.”

Sometimes Ámbar wondered why she was even friends with her.

She was relieved when she got home. Her classes had gone smoothly, and the workload had been reasonable; but Emilia’s teasing had hit a nerve on her that made her unable to turn off the topic in her mind.

She just wanted a shower, ice cream and a nap. Ámbar knew herself enough to accept that trying to do any work in that moment would be pointless and a sure headache.

Her bed was calling her.

And, according to her vibrating bag, so was someone on her phone. It was a blocked number, so she just let it go to voicemail and went to take a shower; if it was anything important they’d leave a message or something.

When she got out, she had ten unread texts.

Hey Ámbar, it’s simón

As in, Simón Álvarez

From the Rollerban

*Rollerband

I asked Jazmín for your # and she gave it to me, she told me she told you?

If you’re not ambar ignore these messages

I’m not actually simón from the rb

If you are tho please text me back

Or call me

Or something?

“He’s such a weirdo.” She muttered to herself, before texting a simple ‘it’s me.’ It only took seconds before he responded.

Can I call you?

No

He called her anyway.

“I told you no, buttchin.”

Simón didn’t seem to mind her greeting, as he sounded more amused that anything. “Then why did you pick up?” She didn’t answer, which only made him chuckle. “Sorry, but I really needed to confirm this was your number. It’s not like I don’t trust Jazmín but…”

“She hates me?”

“… It sounded like that, yes.”

She sighed. “She doesn’t. I think she’s just jealous you didn’t ask for her number.”

“Well, she’s not the one who stole my beanie. I have no reason to call her.”

“I didn’t steal it. You forgot to ask for it and I forgot to return it.”

“Sounds like stealing to me.”  

“Do you want me to mail it to you or something?”

“Or something.”

“Well that surely tells me what you want to.”

He chuckled again. “One of my friends goes to your uni, and they offered to pick it up for me; if that works for you I can tell them to meet you in your faculty.”

“Wouldn’t it be easier for you to come to my house?”

“As much as I liked your mom’s food and having dinner with you, I can’t. The boys and I are actually out of the country right now, that’s why I couldn’t contact you earlier.”

She was surprised when she felt a wave of disappointment course through her body. Did she want to see him again? Well, yes. But she knew she didn’t need to, and she was obviously not going to ask him to wait until he was back in Buenos Aires. Her pride was bigger than that.

“Then sure. Just tell me when and I’ll bring it over.”

“Awesome! Do you have free time tomorrow?”

She nodded, even if he couldn’t see her. “I have a couple minutes before my noon class. If they can meet me at 11:50 in the square, I’ll be waiting by the fountain.”

“11:50, square, fountain; got it. I’ll text them and confirm it later, alright?” She shrugged it off with an ‘okay’. “So, how are you? How were your classes?” Ámbar smiled.

He stalled their goodbye’s for another hour, promising to call her tomorrow after uni to see if everything had gone alright.

She didn’t do any work that afternoon, but she couldn’t bring herself to care that much.

The next morning, she was next to Emilia with the beanie on her hand; waiting for whoever Simón had sent, and just couldn’t believe what she was seeing.

Out of everyone is this world, she really wasn’t expecting to her there.

“Da-amn.” Emilia whispered as Luna walked their way, the brunette’s grin as bright as the sun. Ámbar forced herself to smile back.

Only Simón would send her ex’s actual girlfriend to pick up his stupid hat.

[fullmetalgunfire]

Happy New Year, @blackwolfchimera!

So one of the times I was poking around your blog, I stumbled on a High School Musical related post, and I was... A little surprised how well that works as an AU. So I wrote a fic, which isn’t my usual thing, but seemed like the best way to do it so I went for it. And Eurydice helped me a little with the editing, so hopefully it’s not too rough...

And yeah, one of the reasons I waited to start posting this was because I could not resist posting this chapter on New Years Eve. XD

Anyway, I hope you enjoy! I’ll be posting a chapter a day from here on out (right now it’ll probably be eight chapters, because I’m apparently incapable of doing anything short). And uh, warning for cursing, I guess? I mean, it’s mostly Ed, so I figure that’s expected, but...

(Ship information for everybody else: Mainly Roy/Ed, and in the later chapters some mention of Roy/Riza (in an old crush that didn’t go anywhere sense) as part of a plot point, and some very background Al/Mei)

- Erin

“Seriously?”

Ed blinked, glancing up from his book to his brother, standing with his arms crossed and a disapproving frown on his face, backlit by the party lights behind him.

“What?”

“You’re seriously reading right now? At a party?”

“Since when is that new?” he snorted, rolling his eyes a bit, “Come on, this one’s actually interesting. I don’t even know why you dragged me to this stupid party...”

“It’s New Years, we should be social, and this place is popular,” Al shrugged.

“The bar is popular,” Ed pointed out, gesturing toward the stairs, where downstairs one of the most popular New Years parties for adults was going on, “This is just to keep the kids who’s parents cant think of something more family friendly occupied. And why do we need to be social, anyway? I don’t know anyone here!”

“Well, Winry was supposed to meet us here, but she got busy...” Al sighed, “But that’s kind of the point. We just moved into town, we should get to know other kids our age around here, right?”

Ed gave him a look. “Moved back into town, you mean. I don’t think we need to meet the neighbors when we used to live here.”

“In a completely different part of town. When we were kids,” Al huffed, raising his eyebrows at him, “Who do you even remember?”

Ed opened his mouth to answer.

“Besides Winry.”

Ed promptly shut his mouth again and scowled at his brother, who just looked triumphant.

“See?” he said, grinning, “Come on, make some friends. There’s all these activities, even this sort of karaoke contest thing... It’ll be fun! You can read more when we get home...”

“Not interested, Al,” he huffed, going back to his book, “You go make friends or whatever, I don’t care about that shit.”

Al huffed and went silent for a moment, eyeing him. “If you stop reading for a few minutes we can go home early?”

Ed didn’t take the bait, not looking up from his book. “I’m good where I am.”

Al just huffed again, and Ed completely ignored him. Which meant he didn’t notice how Al’s eyes fell on the sign up table for the karaoke contest, his eyes lighting up with an idea.

“I’ll be back, I’m not letting you read all night,” he warned before heading off, Ed too absorbed in his book again to notice.

“I never want to come to this party ever again.”

“Oh come on, Roy, it’s not that bad,” Riza said mildly, barely even looking away from her phone to take in how Roy had flopped in the chair beside her, rolling her eyes a bit at his dramatics.

“I have been to this party... Every single year... Since I was ten,” Roy said, giving her a look but not moving from his sprawl. His aunt was the one who owned the bar, and ever since he had started living with her... “It’s exactly the same. Every. Single. Year. Tell me that I don’t have a reason for being sick of it.”

“Karaoke’s new,” she replied, finishing whatever it was she’d been doing and putting her phone away.

“What are you talking about, we always have Karaoke,” Roy said, frowning at her, then at the table. Vanessa, one of his aunt’s girls and therefore his honorary sister, caught him looking and waved to him with a smile.

“She’s running it differently this year,” Riza hummed, “I didn’t catch the details, but there’s some sort of contest. With a prize.”

“Huh,” he said, eyeing the table curiously for a moment before standing and heading over. “Good evening Vanessa...”

“Hey Roy,” she laughed, amused by his flirtatious tone... He’d been doing it ever since he figured out what flirting was, and they were both well aware what a joke it was by then. “Are you going to sign up this year?”

“Depends,” he hummed, watching as a short haired blond boy he didn’t recognize came up and scribbled down a name, “Riza said you made it a contest?”

“Yeah... Going to pair people up and chose a duet for them to perform, then everybody can vote on who was their favorite,” she said, grinning and holding up a pair of gift cards, “Winners each get to pick one of these two gift cards. 25 each.”

Roy eyed them, definitely starting to get interested. One was for a craft store, which he couldn’t care less about, but the other was for a bookstore and... Well, there were several he’d been eyeing for ages but hadn’t really had the money to spare.

But then he thought about it, and frowned. “Wait, you seriously spent 50 dollars just to make this a contest?”

“Well, someone did,” she shrugged, laughing at his confusion, “I’m regifting. I’m not going to use them, so...”

“Right...” he chuckled, eyeing them still.

“Going to join in, then?” she said, looking at him knowingly. He wouldn’t be surprised if she’d included the one gift card purely to tempt him into signing up. And he was tempted. But he never really sang in front of strangers, or anyone really, and it wasn’t like he’d never have the money...

“You should do it,” Riza said from right behind him.

Roy promptly jumped, then glared at her, which she just looked amused by. She always did that when he was distracted... “You’re a damn ninja, Hawkeye,” he huffed, rolling his eyes and shaking off the mild annoyance at his friend, “I don’t know, I hardly sing...”

“So? Think anyone else here does?” she shrugged, then smirked, “I dare you to.”

Roy sighed. She knew him entirely too well... He hated backing down from a dare.

“Alright, fine,” he said, reaching over to the sign up sheet, glancing at the instruction to try to keep the two columns even, then scribbled his name in the shorter of the two without looking any further, “But if I embarrass myself, I’m blaming you.”

Vanessa got the contest started just a few minutes later, starting to call people up, apparently one person from each column at a time. Which led to some... Interesting matchups. Roy didn’t pay much attention to the duets, though, just wandering around the room (Riza was busy again... A friend of hers was apparently having a minor crisis of some kind) and trying to occupy himself before his turn came up.

He ended up in the corner by the drinks table, where another blond he didn’t recognize was holed up with a thick book. He was... A little bit jealous, honestly. Reading seemed much more appealing then this party... He was about to ask the other boy about it, when that same blond he’d spotted earlier at the sign up table came up to the other boy.

“Still reading?” he said with a sigh.

“Yeah,” the other one replied, looking up, “Told you I don’t care about this stupid party, Al... We going home soon?”

“Yeah, we have to soon, though-”

Roy didn’t hear the rest of the statement, Vanessa’s voice calling over the speaker. “Alright, let’s get our next duo up here. We’ve got...” Roy, who was watching her now, saw her grin almost deviously. “Roy Mustang and... Edward Elric.”

Roy groaned a little, wondering what she was planning to do to him, but the thought was quickly pushed out of his head by the exclamation beside him.

“What the fuck?!”

The boy who’d been reading dropped his book and practically jumping to his feet, clearly surprised by the announcement. Roy wondered for half a second how he could be, since he would have had to sign up, before the other one, Al apparently, tried and failed to suppress a laugh. Well. That would explain it...

Edward, apparently, put it together just as fast, because he rounded on Al, looking furious. “You signed me up behind my back? What the fuck, Al?!”

Roy cringed, and headed for the makeshift stage, not sticking around for the response. Al seemed to be trying to placate him somehow, but Roy had a feeling this duet wasn’t going to go well. Still, he was going to show up, because he wasn’t going to give Riza any reason to tease him for backing out of a dare.

He was a little surprised when Ed trudged up there a couple moments after him, arms crossed and fuming. He glanced over at Vanessa, hoping she might show mercy on him, but judging from the look on her face he wasn’t going to have any such luck.

This wasn’t just not going to go well, it was going to be a disaster.

“Roy, you’ll be singer one,” Vanessa explained to them, still grinning deviously, “And... Edward? You’ll be singer two. And the song you’ll be singing is...”

Vanessa hit a few buttons, calling up whatever song she had picked, and Roy looked over to the screen, almost immediately groaning when he saw the text on display and the song started to play.

You’re The One That I Want - Grease

He was going to kill Vanessa later. Yeah sure, he secretly liked the movie (one of the girls had shown it to him because she loved it, he’d grown fond of it) and the song was fun, and he’d normally love a chance to do something a bit flirty with someone cute (and this Edward was indeed cute, and exactly his type, and Vanessa would know it too, damn her), but now was not the time. Especially with how Edward had just started scowling more even before she’d announced the song...

Still, he was going to do his bit, even if it fell apart after. So when the words came up on screen, he sang, and while he didn’t try to have fun with it or anything he didn’t think he sounded half bad.

He half expected Edward to just refuse to sing, and made a small move to step away from the mic, but to his surprise the other boy started singing his part without any hesitation. A great deal of reluctance, sure, and he still seemed pissed, but no hesitance. And he sounded good, too.

Roy almost missed his next lines with his surprise, but he managed to hit them just fine.

Then they started to sing together, and... It actually sounded pretty damn good. Better than that, even. Maybe even great... Edward started to relax a little, and even smiled a bit when he glanced over and noticed the way Roy was grinning. Or maybe it was just because the song was so fun. Whatever it was, he seemed to be slowly getting into it.

When he hit his next verse, he even got a little playful with it, getting just a bit suggestive with the way he moved. Roy immediately gave him an over the top reaction to that, making the other boy burst out laughing. He almost expected him to miss his next line completely, he was laughing so much, but he just barely raised the mic in time to sing along, laughter still in his voice.

By the time they were done with the song, they weren’t even looking at the screens anymore, just grinning at each other and even dancing a bit on the makeshift stage, not paying any attention to the rest of the room.

“Well, I think we’ve definitely got a contender for the best duet of the night,” Vanessa said over the speaker, and the outside world came crashing in.

Roy couldn’t stop smiling, though, as he stepped away from the makeshift stage. Edward couldn’t seem to either, following him with a laugh.

“That was way more fun than I thought it’d be,” he admitted, grinning at Roy, “You sounded way better than most of the people tonight. I’ve been trying to tune them out, seriously, it sucked. You sing at all? Like in a band or something?”

“Not unless you count in the shower,” he snorted, “But I try. What about you... Edward, right?”

He promptly made a face. Well, maybe that was part of the reason he’d been scowling so much... “Ed. Call me Ed. Seriously, no one calls me Edward. Unless they’re mad at me.”

“Ed then,” he chuckled, “But seriously, what about you? You sounded better than me.”

“Al and I used to do these sing alongs with our mom when we were little,” he replied with a shrug, “Guess it stuck.”

“Your brother, I’m guessing? The one that snuck you into the contest?”

“Guess I was a bit loud about that, wasn’t I?” he said with a bit of a laugh, “Yeah, he was trying to get me to be social. I was going to kill him for that, but...”

“You had too much fun?”

“Don’t ever tell him I admitted that.”

“Promise,” Roy replied with a laugh of his own, “Is there a reason he wanted you to be social? Or is he one of those it’s rude to read at a party types?”

“You saw the book, too?”

Roy hummed and nodded. “I was a bit jealous. Looked interesting.”

Ed perked up. “You like chemistry?”

“Always liked science, those classes are usually some of my better subjects,” he replied, grinning, “You didn’t answer my question, though.”

“Wait, what question again?”

“If there was a reason he wanted you to be social, or if he just thought it was rude.”

“Oh, right,” Ed said, suddenly looking hesitant, “The first one. I mean, knowing Al it’s probably a bit of both, but definitely the first one. He thinks I need to make friends since we moved back here.”

“Well, that explains why I’ve never seen you at this party before...” Roy hummed, eyeing him with a small frown, “Moved back here?”

“Yeah. Used to live here when we were little, before our mom...” he started, looking a little uncomfortable before he cleared his throat, “Yeah. But we just got a new foster family so we’re back. Different part of town, though.”

“Oh,” he said, feeling a little uncomfortable himself. He’d clearly stumbled across a sensitive subject... He tried to think of what to say to make it better, but before he could Al came up to them, looking sheepish.

“Hey, Ed? We really ought to go back home...”

“Oh, right...” Ed said, giving Roy a weaker smile than before, “Nice talking to you?”

“Yeah, it was,” Roy replied as Ed started to walk away, “Hey, wait, can I give you my number? Maybe we could text about that book you were reading...”

Ed perked up at that, eagerly grabbing Roy’s phone out of his hand and handing over his own as they quickly added each other to their contacts.

Moments later, as he watched the brothers walk away (trying to ignore the way that the muted lighting made the elder Elric’s hair almost glitter), he felt a tap on his shoulder. Speaking of blonds…

“Hey, Riza.”

“You looked like you were having fun up there,” she said, trying not to smirk at him,  “Glad I made you sign up after all?”

“Actually... Yeah,” he said with a small smile of his own, “I really only did it because you dared me, but it really was fun. I’m pretty sure Vanessa was seriously messing with me though.”

“With that song? Oh yeah,” she snorted, shaking her head. “You wanna go?”

“Yeah, lets-”

“-the winners of our New Year’s Karaoke Contest are…Edward Elric and Roy Mustang!”

Roy gaped, his eyes widening at the announcement.  He stood there for a moment, unsure of what to do, when he felt Riza elbow him lightly in the ribs.  “What…?”

“Go get your prizes, dumbass.” She laughed softly, shaking her head. “And don’t pick between them yourself, talk to that guy first. Gives you something to text him about...”

“Honestly I think we’re just going to end up fighting over the one for the bookstore,” he said with a bit of a laugh, heading up to the front to grab the gift cards. Regardless of the outcome, though, he was glad for another excuse to talk to him. They’d probably have to meet up for him to give Ed his prize... He grinned as he pocketed the two cards. This was going to be great.

[matthillica]

Pandemic - Day 50

When I picked this blog back up again back in March, we were still very much getting used to the word “pandemic”. Although I’d been preparing since mid-January for a worst-case scenario, 50 days in and I’m still not sure I’ve fully reckoned with whatever the hell this new reality is. 

I’m not sure why I’ve left this sitting for the last month. I guess once the initial shock and fear of that word subsides, life becomes deceptively boring. Thanks to the internet, we’re constantly connected and have plenty of memes and TikToks to take the edge off our situation, but the number of experiences we now encounter on a daily basis that, three months ago, would have been completely foreign to us is pretty striking. 

Grocery store trips are a perfect example. 

Three months ago, our family made weekly trips to the grocery store, typically on Saturdays or Sundays. They were leisurely, especially since moving to Atlanta where there’s a grocery store on almost every corner. We usually circled the lot once or twice looking for a race car cart Caroline could ride in. She loved using the steering wheels to drive the cart and the distraction helped us keep her in the cart and shop more quickly.

I can’t remember the last time Caroline was in a grocery store... probably late February? When you pull up to the store now, the race car carts are all lined up neatly curbside, waiting for kids who probably also haven’t been to the store in months. I can’t remember the last time I saw a child at a grocery store. 

Our trips now are biweekly. We usually plan them four or five days in advance. We’re now buying for our family of three plus Laura’s folks. I think they’re still secretly stealing off to the store now and then for produce or a six pack. It definitely causes anxiety, but I think I need to just get over it and keep telling myself that by shopping for them, we’re making their trips to the store fewer and shorter... at least that’s the hope. 

I think I’ve taken about 3 post-pandemic grocery trips at this point. Enough that they’re becoming more routine, but I still tend to lose sleep the night before I go. I’ve started going to the Parkaire Kroger, which is about 10 minutes further from our house, but it is a larger store with much wider aisles, so it’s a lot easier to avoid other shoppers.

On Monday, my boss’ boss reached out to me to let me know that I’d be receiving a letter extending my furlough through July 6, at least. She said that although she’s still working, she hasn’t been to the office in over a month. She also said that as the company struggles to restructure and stem the losses, that my position will likely be eliminated after July 6 and I should start hunting for new work. I asked her if there was even a chance that I’d be brought back and she said no, very flatly. I mean, it is what it is... not surprising since I’ve only been there a few months, but man... back to square one again. In a pandemic. With 30+ million other people also searching for work. This should be fun.

I’m definitely disappointed about losing my job, but I think of all the jobs I’ve either lost or left, I feel the least “bad” about this one. Completely out of my control and there are lots of others in the same boat... small consolation, but consolation nonetheless. 

The good news is that I’ve got content creation work coming in from old coworkers, so that’s helping to make ends meet while we wait for the state/federal government to get their butts in gear with Unemployment Assistance.... I’ve still received nothing except my Trump Bux check a few weeks ago. Just one more headache. 

I’ve talked for years with my wife about becoming an independent contractor, so maybe now’s the time.

Mom sold her house in Kansas last week, in other good news. I really didn’t think there was even a chance, particularly in McPherson, Kansas, people would be buying a house right now, but I was wrong. She managed to push the closing date back to July 1, so hopefully some of this will have subsided by then and she’ll be able to make the trip safely. 

The last few days have been a mad scramble of Skype calls and emails with our agent here as Mom set to work trying to find a place to live. 

In case you’ve never done a house hunt from a different state during a pandemic where you can’t leave your house or travel or go get tattooed freely (inside joke for us GA folks), it’s an interesting process. 

Mom is ridiculously organized, so she had a list of about 10 properties she’d found and was interested in seeing. I connected with our agent Josh and, amazingly, he was able to get appointments to see all of these homes in one day.

So that was most of my day yesterday. I met Josh at the first property. We drove separately, we each wore masks and gloves. I’d pull up to the property, get out my phone and call Mom on Skype. We’d spend the next 10-20 minutes walking her around the house, answering questions, trying not to touch stuff but also trying to look at closets, pull back shower curtains, get into attic spaces. 

Four weeks ago, if you’d told me I’d be going through that process at 10 different houses, I’d have been too afraid. I think the fear is still there, there’s just been a numbing of sorts. I keep thinking this must be what soldiers in war experience... I know that’s probably a really unfair comparison for me to make, but there you go. It’s like... you can’t be terrified of being shot forever... you can’t be paralyzed by it for ever. Your body just runs out of terror. Your brain knows the potential for harm is still there, it’s just out of the resources you had at the beginning to be completely gripped by fear and all the potential for harm. You’ve resigned to it a little bit. At least that’s what I imagine being in a wartime situation must be like... I don’t know.

I digress... we saw a bunch of houses Mom liked and she wound up making an offer on the second to last one. After some quick back and forth with the owner, who wasn’t thrilled about a July 2 close date, they accepted her offer. So now it’s fingers crossed that the inspection process, appraisal, etc. all go through without a hitch and she’ll be here in a little over 2 months... another, huge, silver lining.

A bit of a rambling post, but they probably all will be for a while... when I get around to writing them anyway. 

50 days in and we’re still kicking. Although the country is still shut down, GA is starting to reopen... many think too early, but only time will tell. There is plenty to fear, lots to be anxious about, and I think we’re all coming to terms with the passing of life as we knew it a few months ago and understanding that it may be a very long time before we’re able to get back to that, if ever.

But you know what? That’s okay. We’ve survived joblessness before. We’ve survived fear of death, we’ve survived anxiety, we’ve survived health scares, and we’ll survive this. 

We have so much to be thankful for. We have our family and their health, we continue to grow closer to one another and we have new appreciation and love for those people we hold close. Most of all, we’re so thankful for the people who are out there in this. We are incredibly fortunate that we’re able to quarantine in our house for weeks on end and couldn’t possibly do it without the grocery store clerks, gas station attendants, farmers, and truck drivers who are soldering on through all of this. 

I’m grateful and optimistic... and ready for this shit to be OVER.

[jamiekturner]

100 Excuses for Designers

Sketch style guides can only get you so far, but designers like us still make mistakes.

Like… a lot.

No seriously… all the time.

So here are 100 [goofy] Excuses for Designers to help you cover your ass next time you make a mistake that you’re too afraid to admit.

Results may vary!

Regarding Inspiration

1. This is what Apple does. 2. It’s a Material Design thing. 3. _____ does it like this, and they have like 500M users. 4. This is how everyone does it. We should do it this way. 5. This is how everyone does it. We shouldn’tdo it this way.

Regarding Design

I wanted to try something different. 7. I saw a design on Tumblr that looks like this. 8. Whitespace looks better. It looks so clean! 9. We’re industry leaders. Sometimes you just have to take risks. 10. That must be an older version you’re seeing. 11. I [got a Masters/did online training/saw a tweet], so trust me on this. 12. I just read* a great article on Medium about this (*saw the title). 13. We’ll just revisit this after the launch (we won’t). 14. Our team loved the design. 15. [The most important stakeholder] loved the design. 16. Dribbble and Behance loved the design. 17. The old man sitting on the couch with me at Starbucks loved the design. 18. We can go with function or form, but not both. 19. We can change it, I’m not married to it (our honeymoon is tomorrow). 20. It’s like Uber, but for [super specific, unrelated B2B software app]. 21. It’s like [app no one has heard of], but for [some worse idea]. 22. We’ll just put some charts there.

Regarding Animation

23. It’s a delighter! 24. It’s not choppy on my screen. 25. GIFs are all the rage right now. 26. All the best companies use parallax. 27. Don’t you think it’ll look boring without it? 28. I’m not worried. A dev should be able to implement this pretty easily. 29. But if I make it a PDF then you won’t see the animation… 30. Computers are fast! Page size and load time aren’t an issue anymore.

Regarding Fonts

31. You must not have [that obscure font I used] installed. 32. Microsoft is notorious for bad font rendering. People don’t use Windows. 33. I can’t share TypeKit fonts, so you’ll have to wait until we present it. 34. The sharpness is probably just too high on your screen. 35. We won’t look premium if we don’t use [some obscure font]. 36. Too small? How can you not read that? 37. The text is already dark enough. I like it #FAFAFA.

Regarding Colors

38. Your [TV/phone/monitor/tablet/Palm Pilot] probably isn’t calibrated. 39. The brand palette is too limited for what we want to do. 40. It’s softer on the eyes this way. 41. I wanted it to really stand out. You know…super punchy. 42. It’s the Pantone color of the year!

Regarding Design Tools

43. InVision must be acting up. 44. You’re probably looking at a cached version. 45. It must not have synced to [Dropbox/Google Drive]. 46. That’s just a bug in Sketch. 47. It screwed up the design when I updated my app. 48. That’s probably a limitation of the app. 49. We’re still on the free version. 50. Sorry, I’ve been updating Adobe applications all day. 51. My design application keeps crashing.

Regarding Development

52. Dev must have screwed it up. 53. No one uses IE anyway. 54. That must be a bug in Chrome. 55. That effect should be supported in the latest nightly build of Chrome. 56. Just have dev draw it in CSS. 57. I think this should be really easy with a framework. 58. A user would never do that anyway (they will). 59. Our users all have MacBooks and use Chrome. 60. Oh come on, no one builds Android apps anymore.

When a presentation doesn’t look right:

61. What do you mean your projector isn’t 4K? 62. You shouldn’t have your screen brightness all the way down. 63. Hmm, it doesn’t look like that on my computer. 64. Isn’t your display retina?

When things went awry over email:

65. Maybe it got caught in your spam. 66. I’m guessing it just looks bad in “Preview” mode. 67. Ah sorry, the file is too big to send. I’ll show you next week. 68. Oh, I sent it to the wrong “Petr Rozhdestvenskiy.” 69. I just sent it over (lie). Did it not go through? 70. My colleague was supposed to send it (oh sh*t, I completely forgot). 71. I forgot to add you to that email thread (I didn’t).

When they want to see your progress:

72. I’m almost done, but don’t want to spoil it (I haven’t started yet). 73. We can figure out the details in code. 74. I’m not worried about that right now. 75. We have it designed on the whiteboard back at the office (I’m stalling). 76. I don’t want to distract you with low-fidelity. 77. It’s not what you asked for and I’m afraid you’ll get mad. 78. It’s taking longer than I thought (again…I haven’t started yet). 79. Sorry, my computer has been really laggy today. 80. Can we do a remote meeting today (so I can work on another project)?

When they ask why you haven’t started:

81. I can’t start until I have all of the requirements. 82. I can’t start until research is done. 83. I can’t start until we document all edge-cases. 84. I can’t start until we decide on a color. 85. I can’t start until we decide on a name. 86. I can’t start until all 29 people join the conference call. 87. I was watching the Apple Keynote.

When they don’t like the design:

88. We can always iterate on this (we probably won’t). 89. This isn’t the final design (lol, yes it is). 90. We should probably use a hamburger menu. 91. We’re definitelynot using a hamburger menu. 92. That wasn’t in the original requirements (I skipped that intentionally). 93. Design rules are meant to be broken. 94. Dev has really been holding me back. 95. You just haven’t seen it done this way before. 96. This is what your napkin sketch looked like, right? 97. I basically just did what my PM told me to do. 98. We’ll work on it next sprint. 99. It’s better than what we have. 100. We’ll just put it in a modal.

Next time you need an “uxcuse” (UX excuse), head over to uxcuses.com to find the perfect one!

Big thanks to Kamal Nayan for building uxcuses.com for us!

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