#w the ppl in my class actually. and from there we started talking. and im so glad😭

[horrorwebs]

I MADE MORE FRIENDS . !!

[asteroidzzzn]

more than just a dream - spark, 004

pairing: college!ellie x reader

synopsis: you transfer to a new school where you only know one person; your childhood best friend. he invited you to a beginning of the year party to meet some new people, but one person, in particular, catches your eye... his other best friend.

a/n: dina bonding time!

genre: social media au, fluff

series masterlist -- previous chapter -- next chapter

bria 🧚

hey!

dina 💋

hi whats up? :)

bria 🧚

im bored and everyone else went out but i dont feel like drinking rn..

can i come over?

i know the two of us arent super close but this could be our chance to bond outside the group 🤞🤞

dina 💋

omg ofc!! i was feeling the same i just wanted to chill and stay in today 😭 but ya come over whenever

bria 🧚 ❤️ a message

we can watch mission impossible if ur into that!

only if u bring snacks...

bria 🧚

U HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH IVE BEEN WANTING TO SEE THATTTT OK im omw now ill put the best i have in a bag 🙏 cya!!

dina 💋 ❤️ a message

bria 🧚

hey dina, sorry i had to leave right away

i have to study for the first unit test later today

wish i didn't, this is so boring

how are u?

dina 💋

im fine

good

im good im great actually

but i really think we should talk about it

what happened last night

bria 🧚

later, ok?

sorry

i need to go right now stepping into class

dina 💋

oh ok, bye :)

dina woodward

hi y/n im literally going insane r u free to talk

y/n

omfg 😭 whats going on

dina woodward

you'll never believe what happened last night

y/n

ughhh i wish i was there! sorry i wanted to stay in to get some sleep, i have a test next period

dina woodward

oh no worries i actually stayed in too so this isnt ab the outing

do u know who bria volentas is?

y/n

yeah i do!

shes really nice ill sit next to her in history in a few minutes actually

dina woodward

oh 😭😭😭 i wanted to talk to u ab this bc i thought u were the only one in the group that didnt really know her

can u keep a secret? just need to get this off my chest

y/n

u can trust me :)

dina woodward

sooo... ive had a crush on her since the dawn of time

y/n !! a message

and we hung out last night alone!!

y/n

!!AWEEE yall will be so cute together i can see it now

dina woodward ❤️ a message

also im so glad u said that bc i wasnt ab to be the one to com eout first 😭😭

dina woodward !! a message

dina woodward

YOUW AHT?!?!?!?!?!?

i didnt wanna assume but i secretly knew.........

y/n haha a message

y/n

🤝🤝🤝

OKOK GET ON W UR STORY

dina woodward

we were watching mission impossible bc ellie ditched me (i wont forget) and she goes 'im cold' so bc shes the actual loml i let her under my blanket

y/n

awwww

dina woodward

then our feet kinda touched then our hands kinda touched and we were getting rlly close... then we fucked

y/n

AHH????

that went from 0 to 100 sO FAST

dina woodward

I KNOW LIKE IMS TILL SO IN SHOCK RN

y/n

SO YGS ARENT TOGETHER YET THO?? HAVE U TALKED AB IT ALL??? FYB? ONE TIME THING?

dina woodward

IDKK I HAVE NO IDEA

this is the average wlw experience i say while dry heaving and crawling onto the roof and howling

y/n ❤️ a message

y/n

LMFAOOO it literally is tho we have it so difficult

dina woodward

HELPPP ME AND BRIA ARE IN CHAT RN BUT WE'RE NOT SAYING ANYTHING

SPEAK UP WOMANNN FOR THE LOVE OF GOD

i said i wanted to talk ab last night and she was so avoidant so she BETTER say something rn

y/n

yall rn

lurking in chat.....

dina woodward

😭😭😭

i need to be distracted rn

eye starts twitching

tell me smth thats going on w u

y/n

ok u trusted me w ur crush so i can trust u w mine right..

dina woodward

ofc ofc

y/n

so u know her actually like really well from what i know

BLEEEH I HATE TELLING PPL I LIKE THEIR FRIENDS

is ellie williams gay..

dina woodward

take a look at her what do u think

yes she is gay! AND U LEIWFAGJEDFANJ YOU LIKE HER??

y/n ❤️ a message

y/n

angels harmonize and descend from heaven

BLESSS 🙏🙏

yes i like her... i think. its been hard to like anyone since my last relationship but im feeling rlly hopeful about us

im heavily delusional tho she was prob just being friendly when we hung out

dina woodward

she recently broke up w her ex too, and shes been kinda staying away from relationships :(

ur amazing tho youd be so good for her

if she acts like a bitch to u ONCE run

y/n

damn jesse warned me ab her too 😭 what happened with her and her ex? if u know or if ur ok with telling me

i know its not really my business

i just wanna know what lines i cant cross

dina woodward ❤️ a message

dina woodward

yeah i totally get it

i actually dont know all the details

i think she only told jesse bc theyre way closer than me and her

if u want to know everything, id ask him or get it from ellie herself

just get closer with her and she'll tell u everything, and u can decide what to do from there

y/n

ok , thats a good idea

ill just use my amazing charm and incredible beauty to captivate her in chemistry

dina woodward ❤️ a message

dina woodward

HEHEHEHE

speaking of,, she sucks at chemistry. u could get closer to her by tutoring her if youd be up for that?? shed appreciate it sooo much

y/n

#1 wingman award is presented toooooo dina woodward!

dina woodward ❤️ a message

ill def talk to her ab that ill be like heyyy u need help 💋

shit gtg now, test time!

dina woodward

good luck!! with the test and ellie🙏

y/n ❤️ a message

a/n: a lot longer than the last chapter!! but i had a lot to say in this one :D love in the future for my girl dina!!! love to see it

hope u enjoyed as always (✿◠‿◠)

taglist: @ximtiredx @gold-dustwomxn @elliesinterlude @fireflyels @trulygnomed @deluluwh-0-re @toesorhoes @elliewilliamsmissingfingerss @emluvselandabs @ariianelle @jokerpokimoon @lonelyfooryouonly @lil-elliesgf @yuaaa05 @ourautumn86

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

aita for ghosting 2 of my closet friends?

TL;DR: 2 of my closest/longest friendships ive had were ended by me stopping any and all communication, either unprompted or prompted. i dont feel any urge to talk with these people again, and i do not want to rekindle these friendships.

i (19ftm) have had only 2 friendships were i would consider the other person a "best friend". the first one was when i was in middle school (12-13). this other person, we'll call K(at the time 13F). now back in middle school i was what would be considered as the cool kids say: Cringe. super obsessed with undertale AND homestuck, a big 1-2 punch.

i met K through our homeroom class, and we really hit it off well. she was funny, great at art, and also loved undertale (she was the one who actually got me into homestuck, but thats besides the point). we hung out constantly, always chatting and swapping art tips, that sorta thing.

when i moved schools in 7th grade we became distance friends. not long distance bc we lived 30 min. away from each other, but we didn't get to see each other everyday anymore. eventually we started dating, but i didnt really feel content w the relationship at the time (i didnt know i was trans/gay yet lol).

one day i told her i was taking a break from social media/discord for a while until i sorted myself out, and then i would be back. i never spoke with her again after that and i felt like shit for years for ghosting my at the time girlfriend. i didnt take the break with the intention of ghosting K, it just kinda happened. she deleted her discord and i don't remember her tumblr so i have no way of communicating w her anymore. we knew each other for about 3-4 years, and dated for about half of that.

my other friend we'll call T(ftm). I met T my freshman year, when i was 14. T is 2 years older than me, so he was 16 at the time, a sophomore. T and i really hit it off well, and we hung out all the time after school, and talked over discord daily. he did a lot for me ill be honest, and helped me through an identity crisis when i realized i was trans and also gay.

however, when T graduated he started to drift away. i was still a junior at the time but we stayed in contact the best we could. i started driving so i would visit him in his apartment on weekends. however things really nose dived my senior year. i was 17-18 and all my friends had graduated, so i was already feeling pretty alone.

i kept trying to find comfort in T but he just kinda faded away. he found a new friend group of ppl closer to his age and they started hanging out more. i knew some of these people from our school, and was even friends w one of them, but for some reason he insisted on keeping me separate from them.

things boiled over when our mutual friend from this new friend group decided to throw a halloween party, but had to cancel last minute. time skip to november 1st and im picking up T to go rollerskating, and to my surprise he hops in my car out of breath and says "sorry it took so long, i was cleaning up after a halloween party!" and went on about this party he threw the night before with all his friends from the other group. T explained to me that he didn't invite me bc "i wouldn't know any of them".

i was pissed. really pissed. i stopped making plans to hang out with him, but to my surprise so did he. we stopped chatting daily, and the last time we spoke was april of last year. i sent him a final message in may trying to spark another conversation but he never replied. so i gave up. i stopped talking to him.

then i realized the pattern of me growing extremely close with someone only to ghost them. i know T basically ghosted me but i also stopped putting in the effort so i feel i still hold some of the blame. even when i last saw T in person i avoided him like the plague, and i just pray that if we do see each other again he does NOT recognize me.

What are these acronyms?

[enlighten3d]

Hi sorry I know this might be really personal and you obviously don't have to answer if you don't want to but you post a lot about being aroace and I've been thinking about that for myself kind of a lot lately and was just wondering how you know for sure that that's what you are as opposed to not having found the right person yet kind of thing that people always tell you.

Again sorry personal absolutely don't feel pressured.

mmmm okay so! idm answering this, im happy to help (: but for claritys sake: i am asexual by definition, but i dont indentify as such! i only id as aromantic bcs thats the only indentity that actually feels important and like a part of me. might not make any sense but whatever lol

how i knew that im aro? i just. found the label, and was like, 'sure, why not.' and it stuck. its... for the difference between being aro and not having found the right person yet, its that, well. okay, so what if youre not actually aro? you do meet someone you love romantically even after youve ided as aro for years? cool, whatever, you can keep the aro label, or change it. or you never do fall in love romantically, and dont need to do anth abt the label.

what im saying is... mm okay label is a misnomer. i once heard someone say that labels are more akin to fridge magnets - you stick them on, and maybe they stay and you like how they look and make you happy. or maybe you stick them on and they look bad and you dont like them so you take them down. or maybe you stick them on and you like them for a while, but it starts feeling wrong eventually, so you take them down. labels - like magnets - arent permanent.

its impossible to really, truly, make a mistake in finding a label that explains your experiences. even if its wrong, there was smth that felt right abt it at that time. its a part of your journey. we, as people, are ever-changing - its literally impossible to know what will happen tomorrow, nevermind in a few years (sorry the isat reference is mostly unintentional).

so how did i know? i stuck the aro magnet on. and i like how it looks for now, maybe forever. maybe ill find the 'right one' or whatever, or maybe i wont. if i do, then whatever, down goes the magnet. if i dont (and i dont think i will, for the record! i dont have any Reasoning, its just... okay ill explain this next paragraph), then up there it stays. youre free to say youre aro for now and then change it if it ever changes. theres nothing stopping you, nonnie

as for yeah, whatever vague wording i can give to my reasoning, its... standard stuff, sorry. ive never understood romance? i think its completely fucking unnecessary and overrated. stupid, even. i straightup Do Not Get It. i forced myself to say i have a crush on a guy in gr4 bcs everyone else was talking abt crushes. decided i was romantically attracted to this girl in dance class bcs i liked her vibes. trying to conform to actually wanting romance when i just dont. dated this girl in gr8, and then when we broke up (i am bad at communication and unfortunately incredibly fucking clingy), i was like... 'huh, i didnt really feel that different about her than i did abt any of my other friends'. i just really really cared abt her and wanted to be close w her, and the only way i knew how to do that was 'romance'. but that wasnt it. found out abt aro ppl (forget how; memory is Trash), and was like 'oh damn, thats... that makes sense'. i definitely had a crisis and Logic but i do not remember that, sorry. all of this is pieced together from old text messages and half-remembered memories hajdjdzkzos

imo the concept of a 'right one' is pretty damn fucking stupid (/nay; at Society). 8 billion ppl on earth. im not going to find this hypothetical right one who can change absolutely everything about me and my identity. ive got the ppl around me that i already love. im happy w that. chasing after some hypothetical infinitesimal chance of a person whos Perfect for oneself is just a damn waste of time

so just... these decisions dont have to be permanent, nonnie. youre allowed to be wrong and realise that you werent actually aroace. youre allowed to be wrong. so if you want my advice? say youre aroace. stick the magnet on, see if it falls off or not. its still a valid and valuable part of your journey. youre allowed to be wrong. youre always allowed to be wrong.

i mean, afterall, how can one be sure that they ARE allo? that they WILL find that 'right one'? through experience. so fuck around, find out. stick that magnet on.

good luck (: i rly rly hope this is helpful and not just me repeating what youve already heard, sry for yapping so much LMAO. i have a lot to say

[dullahandyke]

yippee yippee yippee yippee eimear con haul!!!!

Hi. It was my birthday recently and I'm bad to shop for so instead of gifts I got money to spend at Kaizokucon. So here's a haul. Under the cut bcos I couldnt fit it nicely in one picture and I wanna ramble

ok we're gonna take it one picture at a time ^_^ the ID in the alt text explains what everything is if u just wanna see what i got without the rambling sure to come with it. links in rambling r to the artists of the fan stuff where i can find em ^_^ only one of them is a direct link to the product tho bcos some ppls shops r down and some ppl dont have all their stuff online. lemons_arent_green youre a real one

Ok the flat stuff!!! black rock shooter poster bcos i already have a figure but i liek her... badass anime girl ily.... was so so sure i saw a reigen keychain but when i went to go get one there weren't any so i got this sticker sheet instead :3 SPEAKING OF KEYCHAINS!!! yippee yippee kaguya i love you youre my special little tiempsy. yue you are a gay anime boy with a cool design. tomoyo ive always felt a kinship with you and its because im a desperate dyke. monokuma is here ig 🙄 i put him on my carabiner and hes fun to stim with. i am not immune to the sdr2 fanboying. also full disclosure ive not watched naruto (its in the spreadsheet) i just thought funko pop sasuke keychain was really really funny. my son who stares into my soul. comparatively i dont have as much to say on the badges!! luka luka fever for real girlie ily. the bandori ones were blind bags and i got himari on my first try <3<3<3<3<3<3 sorry eve i kind of dont care. 🙁 the dr girlies i kinda picked at random based on who i've been vibing w lately.

THE POKEMON DIORAMA!!!! its soooo cool, staff were setting up the trade hall so i was in there all day friday and this shop was one of the first to set up their stands and i was literally staring at it all day... so fucking awesome. the rings n the necklace r from the same shop look at them... im fucking obsessed w the catgirl necklace. literally look at her. i dont thiiink shes supposed to be a specific character but she might be. oh well. cat girl ily. aaaand the arisa stand is actually a little clip for papers n stuff!! she was also a blind box but specifically for popipa so i was gonna b happy w whoever <3

MIIIIKUUUUUU MY PRINCESS MY EVERYTHING!!!!! she was calling to me she beckoned..... shes actually rlly big irl shes the biggest figure i have, replacing my kokoro one... shes the one where i audibly said 'it was my birthday i can buy things' bcos figures spencey... she wasnt too bad actually i just like bitching. 6 euro axel for scale

BOOKS 💥💥💥 i was reading nana a while back and i dropped it but i gotta pick it up again... rlly pretty and awesome... aaaand the summer hikaru died!!! kay if youre seeing this then know you posting abt it convinced me <3 i originally got it bcos i was on door duty in a quiet area and didnt wanna spend my time draining battery life on my phone but after i bought it i realised that that was literally a terrible idea so <3 we'll get around to them soon

FINALLLYYYYYY TSHIRTS!!! the top yellow one was my staff t-shirt, it has 'staff' on the back i was wearing it all weekend and yippee i love it.... emotional bond.... and if this is a safe space can i just say. if kaito was a woman? would. next up FAYE FUCKIN VALENTINEEEE!!! do u remember that post i made going thru all the sellers that were gonna b at the con that started like 'i hate shounen fans. name a woman'? well this is the seller i was talking about but all was forgiven in the name of FAYE ! GODDAMN ! VALENTINE ! ugh i love you girlie. and the last t-shirt was given out free to staff after the closing ceremony!! it was the tenth anniversary of kaizokucon so we got this awesomes design yay.... wore it to classes today hoping somebody would comment on it and nobody did 😌and in the middle i got CLOW CARRRDS BITCHES!!!!!! i saw them and immediately all thought left my fucking brain. i needed them. so important. the seller also recognised the axel in my fanny pack yippee!!!! a few people recognised him over the weekend actually and i was always like yes!! the him

anyway. yippee! yippee! yippee! yippee! yippee! yippee! yippee! yippee! yippee! con con con con con :)

[v1trum]

Lots of tw's.. also please read the entire post if you start reading it. Im not a bad person. This is a specific case and i KNOW this person and have talked this stuff over w ppl that also know him. He manipulated me into hating the ppl i know i love most (as friends) now and did a lot of fucked up shit a lot of which I'll list

Tws include : sh, severe mental illness, "kys" jokes (wasnt rly a joke), ed, trauma, etcetc

Im only saying this shit on here because literally no one knows who im talking about and never will. This is an irl person who doesn't even have Tumblr im pretty sure.. I'd prefer if you only read this if ur a moot or i follow u or vice versa pls 😭

Im gonna throw the imaginary fights i have in my head on here

all the same person cus they side eye me at school and ik damn well he's trying to get ppl to not like me but idc cus im in the right and i have proof 💋

Like i just KNOW he views me as childish n shit

Likr

childish?? ME?? You're the one that said my 7 year old brother should kill himself because he played the same roblox game as you..a 14yo... But, yes, im the childish one...

its a genuine scenario I can't get out of my head and i need to talk abt it

Contrary to what you think, i DO like you. I don't hate you because my online best friend expressed how HE doesn't like you... Its actually crazy that you came into my home for a complete weekend, were as EXTREMELY disrespectful as you were, we didn't say anything and then you're out here saying me and my entire family hate you... Like no babes my parents went out and bought food from the store that we never eat bc you would eat it... No babes, i made cookies from scratch bc cookies are one of the only things you'll eat... No babes, we didn't even comment on the fact that you had three sodas and had two sips out of each of them before you wasted them...

Your "eating disorder" is DEFINITELY fake, too. There might be part of it in there but wdym "my grandparents starve me" when you asked if you could have a random bag of chips and they immediately bought it for you? I fear you just need to tell them when a food is out? They both work a ton bc they had to take you in a few months ago I don't think they notice much when the pantry or fridge is running low. Wdym "ew i hate that" to every food in existence but you scarf up wretched school breakfast and lunch daily...? Again with "i shove it down my throat bc my grandparents starve me" are you forgetting how close we got so quickly? How ik you? You wouldn't eat 95% of that before you starved to death if it was at my house... But you're gonna eat it all up there.

Same with your "personality disorder".... Wdym we're in the middle of English and you go "bro i just spawned in. What am i wearing and why? Omggg why do i have sh on my arms???" Like be so fr rn. You aren't immune to being aware of PHYSICAL PAIN. And i get like.. having a different style but fym "why am i wearing this what is it" ..? (I have talked to a SYSTEM friend abt this and they can confirm its v fake seeming)

Its actually crazy when i didn't kick you out after you said that about my brother, you're actually insane. I get you have very recent trauma but holy hell refrain from making relationships if you're gonna fuck someone up.

You had your "friend" give me back my sweater bc you were too childish to do it yourself and look me in the eye. You moved seats without permission. You glare at me in the class where you can't move seats.

Also, that "friend".. you call her a slut and talk shit abt her to her face because she has HEALED sh scars. Then you walk around campus with gaping wounds acting like you're self conscious of it when you're actually begging for attention. This is NOT me saying ppl who sh are attention seekers btw.. i KNOW him and me and several other people agree he's doing it for attention. My friends have said they'd have relapsed after seeing them if it had been a bad time for them, thats how bad it was.

I genuinely hope he gets better bc he is fucked up in the head, however i also wish the best on his next victim of "we're friends". I hope they get away or meet him after he has gotten better.

To this guy - i hope you better yourself instead of trying to make yourself as bad as possible because you find comfort in that, or rot.

[idealspawn]

been feeling extremely neurodivergent recently. trigger warning i guess.. wanted to hurt myself but remembered that since i moved i dont have my blade w me here. how have i managed to reach the age 21 and still be so socially incompetent. i dont want to stand out i dont want to be different i dont want to be quirky anymore. my head wont shut up about how im on such a different page from everyone else. but it isnt something you can change or name. its just that Something is off. and idk if others can see it but i think they can because when i was younger thats how my highschool and middle school went. apparently ppl just thought i was weird for my mannerisms but never were able to actually specifically name the cause, like something that i acc Did. i started crying in the middle of the class after speaking up in a group discussion and i couldnt even calm myself down because of the setting. then i proceeded to cry in the bathroom between every lecture. and in my other lectures too today. i feel like an alien. i dont have a group for a group project bc i know noone in this class and i panicked and i didnt dare to ask anyone. i dont want to be the dragging link in the group project. they all know eachother and have studied this for 2 years but this isnt even my field of study. ive realized i have noone in my life that i can turn to for emotional support. i have friends but not people who can provide me support. i ended a 5 year long friendship because she made me feel even more alienated and my needs were unmet and she wasnt willing to even try meanwhile she knew i was therapizing her a lot and was willing to consider her triggers in the friendship. i met up for the first time w my internet friend. i think we are relatively close, i feel close to him. but i feel like i am burdening him a lot with my emotional shit bc i am overflowing and desperate to be seen and heard. i am trying so hard to be healed and have a secure attachment style and think like how a person w a secure attachment style would but my fearful avoidant tendencies have started to creep up on me regarding our friendship. i yearn for closeness and connection but i cant seem to get it. sometimes i dont allow it for myself because im so deep in my studies and so behind on work but other times i just am unable to receive it. i havent met my comfort person in a while (my friend i reconnected w this summer). we have crossed paths and hugged and talked for a short while but not long and i think it is driving me insane. i might see her this weekend.

[sunsetstarving]

yooo ty for answering!! and not to give you the same platitudes that ur probably getting from everyone else but it's so okay to go at your own speed!! my friends at community have rlly benefited from being eased into the college experience like you, learning what they want to do and getting used to the class format before moving all the way out.

how is comp sci!! im jealous as hell of computer science kids since so many of them start from nothing in college and come out with tons of knowledging and well paying jobs HAH

you ARE intelligent and hardworking and if colleges do not recognize it then they are stupid as hell. you deserve it

of course!! and tbh i haven't heard this directly for a hot minute so this is actually really reassuring. many of my friends are also going to community college--online and irl--and we've had the same conversations but i have definitely had to like. constantly remember it's like. normal and low cost and not something people will care about unless they are people i don't need to care about yk?

it really has been so cool to get all this experience before i even go to uni of how to interact in classroom settings and what assignments look like and how they vary, it rlly has eased a lot of the stress i had initially of WHAT IF I DIE BECAUSE I CAN'T TALK TO PEOPLE so it!! yeah!! not to toot their horn but community college is pretty great (i also appreciate how many ppl from all these different walks of life there are in all my classes it honestly is so swag)

and compsci is RIDICULOUSLY fun; like i love the social aspect of it the most bc i was learning html and css in hs but i was kind of doing that alone, no classes, you know, so going here and then finding out ppl are having the exact same struggles w things and love complaining like me and yet also love the things they are making and how cool they are? that is community man. i AM still struggling about joining clubs though because i'm like, i know i gotta do it for a better look for colleges but also What if I Am Bad At It. eternal struggle. side note there is also a queer club and like. shoots it with laser eyes of yearning

also :') thank you!! it means a whole lot coming from you considering we have now known each other like. a solid While

[bright-and-burning]

runners au? 👁️

ok there's more abt runners au here but i have soooo many thoughts that youre getting more. ask me abt their majors some time i have Thoughts. like yall i will Always go on abt runners au.

i have more or less everyone’s majors worked out. talking abt my ideas for this also made someone on here realize we graduated from the same university bc apparently other schools don’t have rumors abt the tunnels below a building being used to do brain experiments on monkeys. go figure.

fernando is getting his phd in sports psych. it’s very important to me that ppl know this. lewis has also stuck around after graduating to do a phd.

charles lando alex and pierre are all in the same intro drawing class their freshman year and it is a Nightmare for everyone else involved btw. [charles is an architecture major. lando's doing graphic design and like. ui/ux type comp sci. blegh front end but it does unfortunately make sense for him. pierre is doing something w fashion. alex is a biomedical engineering major but he's doing a minor in art even tho he does Not have the time for it.]

uhhh yeah. i’m trying to sketch out the equivalencies of like . the rises and falls of various careers . which does mean like. injuries etc. i give a few ppl stress fractures </3 (mostly. red bull's fallen angels. they get stress fractures.)

i've laid out what class years everyone was in based on what year they started in f1 and also a little bit their actual age. for like . better understanding of dynamics. the one year they have a Large recruitment class (it's actually quite a bit smaller than my year was now that im looking at it. but it feels long written out lol) that's lando, george, alex, charles, pierre, lance, esteban, max, and carlos.

lewis seb and nico were a class year. under them is checo daniel and nico hulkenberg lol. valtteri and kmags are their own year under them (theyre neuro majors together). then it's the mega class. and then it's like liam oscar logan yuki zhou etc.

[stinkrascal]

A couple things I was wondering is how did you figure out you had BPD? I know there's a couple disorders that can often get diagnosed beforehand, so I guess how did you know there was more going on? Secondly, what kind of therapy do you feel was the most helpful, if any? I have issues keeping a therapist because they tuxedo mask away after realizing I already have CBT down (which only kind of helps me). Thank you for being open about BPD! I feel like there's so much unnecessary stigma.

hiiiiii!! sorry i didnt reply yesterday i spent all day writing my silly sims stories 😴 i will talk about my experience under the cut!! ty for being curious about it!! <3

umm tbh i was diagnosed in a really weird way lol. so, like, where i went to high school was a really conservative and religious town, and when i was a freshman in high school i was one of the only trans/lgbt kids that was vocally out at my school. there were more of them, my friend group was basically all lgbt ppl, but i was the only person in my school who would demand staff to call me a different name/use different pronouns. but anyways so my lgbt friend group was being bullied pretty badly so our school hired this counselor training in lgbt issues that would talk to us individually about our experiences as lgbt kids who were bullied and such. it was actually really cool you know! but anyways i was one of the students who had to participate in this and the lady who was talking to me realized that i was, like, a really troubled kid lol. and on top of that i was failing all my classes and i had been struggling in school my entire life (like consistently making report cards with at least 5/7 of the classes being failed type of shit) sooooo they basically had this like idk meeting with my parents? where they were super adamant that they take me to a doctor and put me into therapy bc i was struggling really badly and yeah. after that my parents put me into therapy and got in touch w a doctor and i got some treatment and eventually a bpd diagnosis. but yea it only happened cuz of my school forcing them to take me ha.

the truth is i didn't really suspect anything was wrong with me because the way i grew up, i thought everyone acted like me 🤷‍♂️ i think the only time i started really thinking i might have bpd was when i got my first boyfriend at 16, that's when my codependency and attachment issues really started to manifest, and those have always consistently been the bpd symptoms i struggle the most with. but even back then i didn't really know what bpd was, so it wasn't like i was specifically thinking i was suffering w bpd. more so that i knew something was Off about me but i couldn't really explain what it was

unfortunately i haven't gone to therapy in a long time :( and the last time i went it wasn't for bpd treatment at all. so i really can't say what could help you there in terms of therapy. i did group therapy during my bpd treatment but it didn't really help me much.

you're probably not gonna like this answer lmao but i use weed to medicate my intense mood swings and that helps a lot. also just being able to recognize when i need to cool off and being able to use my words to tell ppl that i need to be alone for a minute to clear my head, that helps too. basically just being mindful of ur changing emotions and giving yourself room to feel those emotions and allow them to pass u, without feeling guilt for this, and without projecting those emotions onto other ppl bc at the end of the day it isn't really anyone else's fault that u feel the way you do.

also just try to give ppl the benefit of the doubt in general, ik my bpd makes me SO sensitive like for example. ik we make jokes about this but you guys im not kidding, my favorite mutual reblogging a post from someone else instead of me hurts my feelings so bad some days i have to just log off and go cry about it. CRY ABOUT IT YOU GUYS! it's really awful and totally not grounded in reality 😭 but like it's there, it's something i experience and deal with, and it isn't anyone's fault that it happens, it's just the cards i was dealt with.

so instead of projecting that feeling onto my beloved mutuals and being like Ohhhhh so you actually hate me! You actually want me to kill myself! You've actually never cared about me ever, person I've had two conversations with in total! yeah instead of working myself up for something so silly... i just try to put myself in other ppls shoes, try to remember that when i do things it is not with malicious intent and most people are also not doing things with malicious intent. bc for me, my bpd tends to dehumanize ppl... they arent people with nuance and depth and complex and at times contradictory lives, theyre my Favorite Person, person who does no wrong, person who could never do any wrong no matter how hard they try, and that's dehumanizing, that's unfair to the person!! so by humanizing the other person, by remembering we are all people with rich inner lives and struggles and most of us just want to do our best even when we slip and fall... it helps calm me down from those spirals where im like, ohhhhh god everyone hates me because they didn't reblog a text post from meeeee!!! lol

[magnoliamyrrh]

I thought radical feminism opposed hijab

dont worry, no offense taken lol, i dont mind ppl just asking questions, and youre far from the first to ask me abt this. if anything tks for asking lol ive been wanting to make a post abt this on this blog, just hadn't gotten around to it

so. this is going to b a long and tangeled one. my opinions and feelings on hijab are quite complicated and conflicting and they have been so for years, and i think its important that i say a)in all honesty by this point i dont know what my stance is 100% and im not going to pretend otherwise b)i dont think my opinion is the most important on the planet when it comes to this discussion c)opinions among islamic feminists are not uniform on this topic d)i consider myself to be heavily leaning twoards radical feminism, and i engage w the community bc at least youre still allowed to talk abt shit and ill take women who are critical of everything under the sun than women who cant discuss shit; however i wouldnt say im a full on radfem, moreso an orbitor whose mostly on board

i really dislike the way liberal feminism, both from outside of islam and liberal feminism imported into it, approaches this topic. theres a billion nuances and things to touch up on in this discussion which i wont even get to; none of this starts and ends at "choice." and to start and end the discussion at choice is to miss out on any historical, social, psychological, or even religious analysis - how are we to speak of choice when so many muslim sisters believe that an all powerful god is commanding them to do something? this is not choice the way the liberals wish to understand it. also, i always said that i dont think covering is a feminist thing to do really - just bc a woman chooses to do a thing dont make it feminism all of the sudden

it is true that hijab is historically tied to sexism, this is undeniable. in islam it came about mostly after the death of muhammad pbuh; at least, it became more common. the quran is not specific when it tells women to cover. it was also the influence of other cultures and religions of the period which had an affect on islam; orthodox christianity, zoroastrocism, etc. it is indeed true that the hijab is entangeled with patriarchy and patrilinial systems - while it may be about modesty, this modesty exists in a male benefiting system in which the woman is expected to be modest (and sexually "pure") outside of marriage - so that males, in a patrilinial system, may know that a child is theirs. in a way, it was a way to mark a woman as private property; slave women, sex slaves or not for example, were in many cases not allowed to cover their heads, because they were public property, not private - which considering the shit ive been through, i do find to be deeply uncomfortable and angering. its also the case that the wearing of the hijab was often split among classes; at times only higher class women would veil for the most part, at times only lower class women would, depending on the place and time.

now, knowing this, and not denying its origins. its also important to understand that hijab has also taken up other meanings, and has functioned differently through time and cultures.

there is something to be said about its practicality in the place where it originated and where it is still warn, which is the middle of the desert. muhammah himself pbuh for a time grew up among the bedouins. if we look at the clothing of the nomadic peoples of the deserts of north africa and the middle east, its not just the women who are covered; the men as well often cover everything but their eyes. bc in a place with burning sun, sandstorms, winds, and biting cold during the night, this makes sense. i can also say after living in a desert for a bit over half a year, having essentially a thin blanket to wrap yourself in and shield yourself from the elements is actually quite nice. if we look at traditional saudi clothing today, men also wear essentially robes and cover their heads. if we look at ottoman clothing, the men would also often wear robe-like clothes, or both men and women would wear shalvari, loose harem pants;;; theres also something to be said about veiling, or the covering of the head, not being a unique thing to women in many cultures, within islam, and outside of it, from a cultural but also a spiritual perspective. if we look at orthodox priests and monks for example, many wear very similar clothes to nuns. if we look at the sikhs, the men cover as well as the women. etc. if we look at traditional romanian culture, it was also undignified for a man to walk around with his head uncovered (though by a hat and not a veil).

there is something to be said as well abt the veil not functioning the same in many places and cultures. so much of the discourse around muslim women and ~oppressed muslim women circles around the veil, and this has been so since the dawn of conflicts between the west and east - this endless fascination with it, with either demonizing or sexualizing it; youd think the entire islamic world revolves around it. in truth there are islamic societies and cultures in which it doesnt matter that much, in which some women wear it and some dont and some or most wear it in a way that is not "proper" according to some (turbans hands and neck showing jewerly loose veils etc - thinking particularly abt many places in africa but theres plenty of others). there are places in which the veil has become moreso of a focus as a direct result to colonialization than it was before; partially bc when someone invades your country, disrespects your entire culture, and bans you from doing shit, when you get rid of them you're going to double down. but again, there have been and there are plenty of places in which it wasnt... that big of a damn deal. i always love seeing old photos of the balkans for example, bc its just..,, niqabis, hijabis, women wearing traditional clothes but not covering, women wearing western clothes, niqabis wearing western clothes but only covering their faces,,, all together

im not denying the origins of the veil, nor am i denying that on many of our sisters it is pushed; i am not denying that this is an issue. i fully stand by our sisters who are against it, completely or not, i fully stand by our sisters who hate it, i fully stand by muslim and exmuslim and culturally but not religiously muslim women who dislike it or have had traumatic experiences with it - and i wish their voices and concerns and frustrations werent so buried by this whole damn "choice" discussion. it is clear that changes have to be made, that it cannot be forced, neither by threath of violence, neither religiously and culturally by telling women and girls that they have to or else they are sinful, undemn, going to hell, distracting men, or whatever the hell else. we have to completely do away with these concepts; only then could veiling be a truly free choice for a woman. we have to analyze and critique how all these concepts that surround so much of this - purity virginity modesty etc - are in retrospect sexist. we have to look at how modesty in islam is prescribed for both sexes, but it is most often only the sisters who have the rigidity of hijab forced onto them, while muslim men feel comfortable wearing shorts and taking their shirts off, etc, and noone ever really calls them sinners, tempters, undemn, sluts, etc. we have to question how much it matters at all how we personally feel about the veil, if in material reality we are still doing what men want us to do - to not question this would be to fall into the same trap that the postmodernists fall into

at. the. same. time.

the issue of hijab and feminism is deeply entangeled, as i mentioned earlier, with imperialism, colonialism, islamophobia, and racism. this whole rhetoric that the muslim woman must be unveiled to be liberated is an old one, one which predates feminism. example, the forced unveilings in algeria - where as far as i understand the colonizers had to first get women to veil in the first place to then unveil them; they are the ones who made this a focus. what france is doing right now - banning the hijab in public buildings under the guise of "liberating" muslim women - is an extension of this imperialism, this racism, islamophobia, sexism etc. this idea of "liberating" muslim women - from their own culture and religion by enlightening them with the western one - is one that has been used as justification for invading entite countries and wrecking havoc, and the veil has always been a primary focus in this. this has come from both western feminists, but also from western men - who didnt give a single shit about sexism, they didnt give a single shit about the sexism they were committing against their own women, but they suddenly cared abt sexism when it was abt liberating muslim women (of colour) from evil muslim men (of colour)

there is also something to be said abt the hijab being taken up throughout time as a symbol of anti-colonial resistance. per example many muslim women started veiling after both 9/11 and after what happened in palestina, as a symbol of resistance and pushback etc. i do think this is an important aspect to remember and a part of this conversation - that in the west, and outside of it, some have taken up veiling particularly as an act of defiance, and a symbol of solidarity with our fellow muslims. this is technically part of the reasoning for wearing hijab too originally, so that a woman may be known as a muslimah by her fellow muslims - the veil is indeed an identifier among ourselves, but also a target which paints us as clearly muslim to others. i also think its important to point out that there is nuance in who and why and how some women choose to veil; there are those who indeed start veiling completely agains the wishes of their families, husbands, community, etc - and this makes the discussion of hijab both in the west and outside of it more complicated, bc then, by doing so, we are not necessarily even conforming to expectations, if that makes sense.

while the hijab may be part of islamic patriatchy, it is also at the same time the anthises of western patriarchy. there is a quote which goes, about algeria and the niqab, "the colonizer is frustrated by the woman who sees, but cannot be seen." in the western world, where a woman is expected to show herself, to be sexy, to be beautiful, to always be covered in makeup and get plastic surgeries so that she may be attractive to men, to have her beauty and sexisness always to be consumed by any man (and women who refuse to do so are demonized and seen as lesser), a world in which billboards with half naked women are everywhere and sex appeal is used to sell any god damn thing, etc etc etc, it is true that the hijab stands in opposition to this - a refusal to make oneself and attractiveness avaible to the eyes of men. in a world in which a woman is so judged by her beauty, to show nothing but your eyes and hands, and nothing of your shape or beauty, is indeed in opposition to what western patriarchy wants or expects (also not just the west tho, plenty of eastern countries who have taken up these sort of expectations for women: south korea an example). reminds me of a niqabi i know on youtube, whose husband never saw what she looked like before they got married - this woman indeed has the certainty that her husband did not get with her because she was attractive or sexy, but because he genuinely cared for her and her personality, who she is, bc he had no damn idea what the woman he committed himself to looked like. but this frustrates the western man, who thinks he is entitled to see any womans beauty whenever he may please. he is not.

one of the reasons why i still wear it, is less to do with modesty, and more to do with, i hate men seeing me. i spend my childhood being bought, sold, raped, endlessly used and sexualized by males. when i was a preteen men started catcalling me on the streets in romania. etc. i dispise, i truly do, men having their eyes on me to any extend whatsoever, i truly do. to me, it is comforting to have a big veil i can wrap myself around in, whose folds i can dissapear in, with which i can cover my face and the shape of my body. its comforting to wear niqab, bc it means no man is seeing any part of me much, and thats the way i like it. i don't consider this dissappearing from public life - im very much still there, and my loud ass mouth which always gets me in trouble v much means i dont dissappear lol. its a way to be in public without having to worry that any man can see my body, think that i have a nice ass or my hair is beatiful or whatever the fuck else. im also lol deeply traumatized and brain damaged, and maybe autistic, and i get sensory overload easily at times. its also comforting to have essentially a thin blanket to wrap myself around in whenever i want bc of this, i find it to be very grounding and safe feeling. i also like that when i veil, most men understand to keep some distance from me and not touch me, which i appreciate. now. thing is. i shouldnt have to dress any sort of damn way for men to not sexualize me, men should know to keep their damn eyes off of women etc, but. they dont. at the same time veiling truly isnt some sort of ultimate escape let me make that clear - men will sexualize anything and everything, and there are plenty who specifically sexualize the veil. a woman could walk around almost naked, or she can walk around in full niqab and chador; there Will be men who will sexualize her, sexually harass her, assault her, agress her, or at the very least judge her. because theyre pigs

i also still wear it bc its a cultural thing, and this matters to me. when i first started veiling at 14 it was partly to do with spirituality, partially to do with this. i didnt come to america by choice particularly, and ive done a truly bad job at assimilating into its culture - when i did try, it left me with much self hatred and shame, so. yea, at some point i snapped out of that and decided the whole assimilation thing wasnt for me. ive had a habit of dressing traditionally for years, and starting to veil when i was younger was a part of that - even though i am uncomfortable with how this tradition has affected some of the women in my family, and the way i was exposed to it when i was younger - i saw it as something i was, lets say, reclaiming. now, i dont think "reclaiming" the veil is much a feminist thing either btw, i think it is at best perhaps neutral. but it has mattered to me for years as a symbol of both culture, a connection i share with my grandmother and grand grandma, the older generations who were less western, and a symbol of resistance to the expectation and pressure of assimilation. also. lets look at another part of traditional clothing which has sexist origins - jewerly. in the balkans (and many other parts of the world) the jewerly of a woman was her security; if her husband died, or divorced her, etc, a woman would be able to sell her jewerly to survive (this is also why historically women are given jewerly as gifts in many cultures). the jewerly also signified her social rank and "worth" - in the context of weddings (in which a bride price would be payed to the brides family by the husband in an often arranged marriage, aka, she was sold), the woman or girl would often be adorned with much jewerly which had not only spiritual and cultural significance, but it was meant to display the wealth of the families and the worth of the bride, as if she were some precious item bring bought and sold. even so - even with the sexist entangelments of traditional jewelry - im not going to stop wearing that, either; nor do i think traditional jewerly has to be forever entangled in its origins.

and i still wear it bc of spiritual reasons; as said earlier, many cultures and religions have taken up covering as a spiritual thing, for both men and women. i do find that personally it grounds me and reminds me of a series of responsibilities that i have, and it is a constant reminder of the presence of divinity (or the divinity in everything etc). also growing up i always just thought it was beautiful, even when the rhetoric pissed me off, i always wanted to look like one of those orthodox saints. the virgin mary, maryam, had style, thats all im saying

.... no. the choices i am making do not exist in a vaccum of individualism, and im fully aware of that, and ive been going back and forth on what exactly it means to wear hijab for years. but if wearing hijab is a part of islamic patriatchy, i have to wonder if taking it off while im in the west, even as a act of solidarity with our sisters, would not be further feeding into the very old imperialist idea that the muslim woman ought to unveil in order to be liberated and free - as if the west is any less sexist, as if the expectations placed on women here arent also a damn nightmare. none of these "choices" exist in a vaccum, and i very much feel caught in the middle, and no, i dont have some singular answers or solution or opinion on any of this. i really dont

i also think there is something to be said about, there are different ways of going about, lets say, reforming what the hijab means and how it functions, which do not neccessitate its full dissapearance. in marocco for example the younger generation has been switching between wearing hijab one day, and not wearing it the next. this already breaks expectations and some of the values and ideas that surround it, and it normalizes it in a way which makes it just another item of clothing, rather than something that has to be strictly followed, or that has to do with a womans worth and purity or this super important thing. and again, there are many places in which the hijab is warn in a nonstrict manner, taken off, put on, worn loosely, worn with short sleeves or showing the neck or jewerly or whatever - which is also what i do. i think this may be a middle path to this issue to take

i also would like to touch up on briefely on the purdah - the sociatal segregation of the sexes, practiced in islamic cultures as well as hindu ones, and some others - of which the hijab&niqab are a part of. i have written abt this in this post; while the topic is complex, i do not believe the purdah has to be inherently sexist, and rather, id prefer if society was more sex segregated than it is, just in an egalitarian way - partial segregation as far as im concerned allows for a level of saftey and sisterhood for women, in the best cases

so. uh yea. idk probably a lot i didnt get to and this probably wasnt the most clear reply - all this to say, its a nuanced and complex issue which i do not have some sort of solid standing on. and which, again, among islamic feminists is also not a uniform issue. while i cant remember off of the top of my head whose written on this, there is an islamic feminist tag on this blog that you can look through, and you'll come across the names of many authors who have probably at one time or another touched up on it. theres also somewhere there a post with pdfs to several books, which may be a good place to start farther looking into this if you are interested. im sorry if this wasnt a super satisfactory or clear answer, its just an honest and complicated one

[spikeinthepunch]

i wanna say i hate to compare BG3 and DAI buuuuut you know they have similar intentions not including the combat system. theyre both high fantasy RPGs that focus on major story choices/consequences and making a protag that you can shape based on personality options, along with class/race specific effects on the way characters mold with you.

so. i think they can be compared, without any note of the technical advancements from since DAI came out of course.

and i say this just based on my current progress (i guess the first 'part'? i just got to the end of the druid grove stuff). i think the bg3 protag is fine! no issue there really, its different but i like what i can do. but i can feel the issues with romance in this game creeping up, as i had heard some things started before by others... that theres a very quick focus to romance. and honestly.... is it romance even at this starting point? immediately i am just asked about who i want to fuck. i like to fuck, i like the sexual relationships. but i can see where ppl may have their issues here.

on this first celebration with the party members, the woman who i helped do the raid with, who i literally dont know, before i even got to the party was like- i am talking to you in your mind and i want to fuck you in thanks for this. and she is the one character you can just fuck without any relation with. and then i talk to Astarion who is like, who do you want to fuck tonight lol? and even if i hadnt talked w him, every other character there except Gale had the option to suggest i wanted to fuck them. bro i hardly even know these guys still. i want to fuck astarion eventually and im glad he turned me down bc honestly why would he accept?. but shadowheart and laezel were totally up for it!!! and man i hard travelled with laezel bc i dont like her lol.

and listen i am sure i will get to learn way more abt these characters that i romance but the fact i am opened up to the sex option immediately is just. so strange when i compare it to the romances of DAI. i think i could take a few characters who just want sex. thats normal. not everyone wants commitment and i would actually like that nuance. but also, really putting the sex on so quick and so blatantly is a surprise to me even as someone who wants to have sex stuff all the time!! but i like good writing too! and i imagine its even more uncomfy for others who really didnt expect or want that. to just assume you character wants to have sex so fast is weird and the only other option denying everything (no implication you want just romance/are interest but dont want sex) is just wild to me too.

DAI has such well written romances. really. i saw ppl saying they were excited this game would blow bioware's romance writing out of the water but i dont think i can say that at all rn and im not sure this current impression will change enough for me to say otherwise entirely....

this also goes into why "everyone is bi" isnt always good. because i think it takes a lot of potentially personal weight out of the writing. not even in that if one character is gay then there will be oppression angst between them and you for being gay. or that the straight one will voice their straightness in context of gays existing in world. its about how "everyone is bi" isnt actually good, chosen bi rep. its just a game mechanic thrown in to satisfy all ends. we can have bi characters, we just cant have them all being labelled that in order to fill that check mark.

dorian is a really good example in DAI of how a character being strictly gay and also facing in world oppression makes his romance storyline SO good. its so important for sexuality labels to exist bc it makes you an individual of your own. and for it to be EXPRESSED in some form too. a character should be able to voice their thoughst on their unique sexuality when you romance them. but the 'everyone is bi just because' means like no character is every talking about that, let alone in a meaningful way when the reason applies to every other companion.

sorry did not mean for this to become a rant on romances. im still looking forward to the writing that will unfold with these characters but i think its so important to not get lost in the hype (and the hate to DAI? which i think is just hate to bioware really) bc people ALWAYS get to ahead of themself when they hear "you can romance anyone regardless of gender" without thinking twice about whether or not that makes it good writing or rep

[dead-rat-time]

today was pretty good and i was talking w/ my dad and he’s usually pretty chill abt everything, so when i was running out of convo topics i just hadddd to open my mouth and start yapping 😭😭😭😭

earlier me and my friends were hanging out in class and as a joke one of them pulled a chair out from under me and i hit my head on a table (he wasn’t expecting me to actually fall or anything) and even i thought it was funny bc i wasnt that hurt and we usually goof off like that

it was all good and he apologized and it wasnt a big deal, but i got a small bruise lump thing on my head. Later, i was talking with my dad and having a friendly convo and i mentioned it lightly, but he got like concerned and stuff and bc i KNOW a lecture was coming i backed off and stopped explaining bc ik i can yap but GOTDAMNNN my dad can lecture me abt literally anything for hours

(context im transmasc and not out to my family yet) he was all like “thats usually how boys r to other boys and not to girls bc girls are usually smaller and lighter and weaker” like omfg stfuuuu “u hang around boys a lot but it seems like u dont know the boys rules 🤓 u gotta draw the line and not let anyone do that to u. If your friend was joking around like that it means hes rlly immature 🤓thats so dangerous did u know that ppl can die from that”

YEAH I DID KNOW IT COULD BE DANGEROUS but it wasnt serious! like im not stupid, i can read the room! If my friend was being actually mean and dumb i wouldve drawn the line but it was literally a joke gone somewhat wrong, he apologized n we laughed it off bc i wasnt injured!! I literally have been out as a guy to all my friends and they all see me as one and therefore treat me as one, but i cant tell my dad that ughhhh he keeps “reminding” me that girls are weaker than boys and shit ooourghhhdhfhjfjh im gonna corn on the kill myself

like yeah i get why hed be concerned but it was literally just me n my friends goofing off, and i tried to explain that but i couldn’t be 100% honest and maybe he could tell and he thought i was getting bullied or smth??? But damnn this always happensss

i try to have a goofy convo abt my day and he turns it into a lecture abt my future, safety, politics, or whatever omg like can u not???? we were literally having fun and then all of a sudden the whole dinner is awkward af

sorry for the rant its just that this lowkey reminded me of how none of my family actually sees me as a guy. odydidjdhkdkedidufj the only silver lining i can see is that my dad basically confirmed that my friends treat me as a dude 💀 but fr it rlly sucks that i cant speak openly around my family. Its like whiplash when i suddenly remember that oops, gotta keep like half my life a secret and i cant explain most of the fun stuff that happens in my life without accidentally outing myselffff

[jaclynngyn]

Day 3 - 2024/04/18

okok today i passed out around i dont even know what time bruh like 3-4am??? idk but i woke up for class around 10, and then omg i got sm more work done than i thought ALSO i got to see amy and iya today so im happy w that anyways i ate with nikki today (sorry my msg might be longish today) BUT nikki SHORTENED our meeting HAHA but understandable.... but either way she's so silly like i love her sm all her stories are so "for the plot" idk like i literally told her that everytime she makes a decision LMAO it's like she spins a wheel and just goes with it ANYWAYS i loved lunch w her and hopefully we can get chikfila next time... but then i also had dinner w ash AHH her ass was late!! jkjk ms. ash if u read this ily mwah anyways CONVOS ARE SO FUN W HERR like i feel like im talking to ppl from home when im w her its so fun and she literally feels like a best friend from home ahh im trying not to make this long but to shorten I WILL HANG OUT W ASH AGAIN IDC AND FOR WAYYYY LONGER anyways day ended w social and i felt like i got to actually know sm more ppl even tho they lowkey scared the shit out of me at first but day was 9/10 LIKEEE hw goals were not as accomplished but i felt like i did smmmm today HW STARTS TMR IDC [23:27]

[zushimart]

hi idk if this is a weird ask or not bc im half asleep but i just wanted to say that i started following u on my old blog in late 2022 like maybe december and your posts about bpd scara made me feel so seen. i wasn't diagnosed then but it was recently on the table as a diagnosis for me all of a sudden and it was terrifying because i feel like pwbpd are demonized and hated everywhere i look. and just like scrolling thru ur bpd scara tag was like looking at a diary of my own mind or smth. so it was really new to me to see someone talk about borderline as something that brings love and pain into our lives and not just as some scary evil-people diagnosis. like ur definitely my fav writer on this app by far but also u make me feel really validated in my emotions i guess? wow idk sorry like i actually have no idea how to describe it but hopefully u can read minds ‼️ 🤞 i have since been diagnosed with bpd with a criteria score of 9/9 so 😳 idk where id be rn in september 2023 if i hadn't sort of started to learn to love myself from your writings exploring a character. so yea this is probably a strange ask so feel free to ignore it. also im going on anon bc im scared of interacting w ppl. ALSO U R SO FUNNY ND YOUR HUMOR/RANDOM FUNNY TAGS FEEL SO SIMILAR TO MY INTERNAL MONOLOGUE

this is such an open & genuine thing to say to me . i like had to sit with it for a second because it was so .. idk like how to communicate it . my devaluation of ths blog is pretty frequent, treating it sort of like a big boy version of the 2000s children’s diaries with locks.. my thoughts tossed in here nd piled nd piled nd piled, endlessly messy. nd it objectively is a writing blog , like yeah, on a surface level, i own& maintain a writing blog, but i would never tell people that. when people ask my hobbies i always say writing & ill show them my poetry pieces but i never tell them i have a blog because im kind of embarrassed by the very seriously delusional self indulgence i pour into this thing . but then i hear about.. like, for ex. we learned ab and have to maintain our own commonplace book in class, which is essentially where people collected anything and everything they felt needed to be archived from their day and tucked it into the pages of a journal . like how thomas jefferson’s commonplace book will have his serious philosophical & political ramblings side by side a recipe for cornbread because it was just a place to put everything big & small . the practical & the theoretical. just, whatever Means something to u. and leisure, indulgence, pleasure r concepts just as important as virtues imo. anyway i say all this to say that what u said to me makes me want to treat everything better, even this place. it like, makes me feel really proud of my writing& analyses that i might normally b quick to label as inconsequential or childlike because im scared people will think i care too much about something so culturally insignificant. but i do care!! obviously!! a lot. i was like kind of bummed today for a number of reasons frm feeling a bit isolated to feeling like living out my principles& ideals (connecting w community, peer centered thinking etc etc) is almost impossible because im sooo freaking shitty at social convention. so when u sent this in & i read it, it was almost like when ur spacing out nd someone snaps 🫰🫰 in front of ur face to get ur attn. so busy trying 2 b significant to someone to realize that u Already are significant in a myriad of little ways. that it’s not something u search for or insert urself into but rather an inevitable outcome of existing. Anyway . not to b sentimental but i wanted 2 b as candid with u because i really did think it was sweet of u to share & im really happy that i was able 2 positively shape & support a little space of ur life because really thats all i ever want to do. Soooooooooo if ur ask was weird then my response is even weirder. Handwritten thank u:

[prynnehesters]

stupid internship timeline

March: 700 people apply, 270 accept, people on the discord are saying it's a scam cuz too many people joined the internship (they get removed). I'm excited to learn stuff/looking forward to meeting my team

April: We get teams, I become a team lead. My team is all there at first, but more than half of them disappear/are not very active except looking at my posts. We get certified for a program. We spend all the time doing gap analyses but people don't really do any work except me and 1 guy. I feel like all I'm doing is relaying information. Everyone is confused. I ask questions and get empty responses or long winded responses

May: We spend the entire month still doing gap analyses. I get another team fused with mine but a bunch of them drop. Then we get merged with 2 other teams. More people continue dropping. We are shamed by our CEO. They want us to install software that basically tracks everything we do onto personal computers. Also someone accidentally signs up for another service w the company email and then they get removed from the internship. internship almost ends there. They start dropping everyone w/o personal devices. I get my old fart laptop to do it but never use it, just install software. i start sending spam emails to that address lol. i also find out that she tried to be a model in nyc and went by a different name before changing it to a more generic name. also i start dicking around at friday meetings cuz they're mandatory and idc (by that i mean i enter in other tabs w dumbass names or play video games during them). I am getting bad vibes from this internship and do think it is a scam based on red flags i've noticed overtime including the CEO starting off every meeting by ranting about people dropping and also talking about how she's doing this out of the goodness of her heart or whatever and bleeding money to support us (also i think her company has only existed for 1 year and she has no employees and has done this internship once before but it was 2 years ago and smaller). the other red flags i have are the person who leads the internship being into crypto and nfts and me not knowing wtf the company does

June: our CEO posts a job on linkedin but the job is literally just a paid 12-40 week course that costs more than a semester at my university and it will only result in a job if you are at the top of the class. i report the job and then the company. the job gets taken down bcuz it violates linkedin policy (bcuz u shouldn't pay for something that is potentially a job) but the company stays up. our team lead vanishes, we get our next assignment but our mod is an anus and basically tells our team leads to host meetings every day for 30 minutes so they can talk w everyone (that's dumb). i ask a question and am met w a response that's like "you can do more work LOL hashtag girlboss". we have our end of the week all people meeting. i flip out and am removed from the internship and the discord and blocked by the CEO. everyone was basically sucking her dick during the meeting and making fun of me for saying ppl have told me this internship is a scam. one person legit mentioned that she had a blue check on twitter and like...you pay for blue checkmarks on twitter??? but they laughed at me for pointing that out (or don't believe me). also her account on linkedin was suspended despite her having connections and shit. she has yet to get her account back (or it's hidden for the time being). either way idc. fuck her and fuck unpaid internships

anyways, that's it. i hope if i do get another internship, it's either paid or results in an actual job and is not from a company that has no employees

im done posting about this