#vyvanse better save me

[shoveitevil]

[gorey]

it's like I'm just fucking nowhere rn not even the vyvanse is saving me i need to do laundry and probably some other stuff i don't even remember at the moment idk what put us off our groove so much this week but our memory is full of holes and the only thing we can really do is make music apparently which is better than nothing but damn

[anarchywoofwoof]

so i wasn't going to put CVS on blast like this.. but fuck them, what do i care?

when i picked up my Concerta, not only did my doctor send it to the wrong pharmacy (not her fault), but that pharmacy, despite the order being for 72mg... filled the prescription for 27mg.

the label on the bottle says "Take 1 tablet (72 mg) once per day in the morning) and below, it says "Concerta ER (27 mg)"

after being without my meds for 2 months and realizing what had happened (they transposed the numbers), i said fuck it, i'm not dealing with the hassle and i went ahead and took the 27 mg Concerta for the last two days. and as i said above, it helped. but it still wasn't quite doing what my Vyvanse was doing for me, so my plan was to call my psychiatrist and explain the mix up, and hopefully get the 72 mg Concerta.

this evening as i am making my grocery list, the phone rings. i google the number before picking up because i'm a millenial and duh. it's CVS. the one i picked my prescription up from.

turns out, they realized they fucked up two days later and were calling to get it straightened out. they already spoke to the doctor. apparently, they have difficulty getting the 72 mg in stock. surprise!

hopefully they can fill a prescription for 2x 36 mg Concerta. if not, then i'm stuck with the 27 mg for now. which is fine, i guess. but it would be nice to feel fully regulated once again.

anyway. two take aways:

cvs is a garbage company who needs to train and pay its employees better than they are paid before they inadvertently kill someone or several people filling bad scripts

oh Vyvanse. Vyvanse save me. Save me Vyvanse.

few things will make you declare to yourself "yeah i definitely have ADHD" like being medicated for a long period of time and then suddenly being even sub-optimally medicated for any short period of time.

i went thirty years without knowing i had ADHD. i've been medicated for almost 3 years.

the first time i have been without my medication for a prolonged period of time has made me wonder how the fuck i was waking up every morning and pretending that i could just make it through the day on a matter of sheer will and resentment for anyone who said otherwise.

anyway shout out to to my new beautiful mistress (her name is Concerta i think its french) for booster-seating me through 9 hours of work without being tortured by the woes of fetish-level virulent desires of self harm and for allowing me to subsequently accomplish [1] load of laundry, [1] load of dishes and taking [1] trash and [1] recycling out all in one singular whole ass day

[ko-eko-ev-go-ms]

You ever be like hmm maybe I should take (specific) medication every day instead of “when I need them” like they say as if it’s only about productivity 🤔🤔🤔

[chaoticcpht]

alright whores since i’m back i might as well bring some good tips with me. i’m a pharmacy tech; we understand how expensive medication can get and i have some tips and tricks that may help some of y’all.

-DISCOUNT CARDS

many people use websites like GoodRX that help find good prices for your medication but one thing I can tell y’all is that there are actually better websites that have better deals compared to GoodRX, one of my favorites is an app called RXSaver and they find the cheapest coupon card for you, I’ve seen copays go from $500 to around $50-75 because of them

-Manufacturer Coupons

some drug manufacturers such as Vyvanse or Myrbetriq have online savings vouchers you can use towards your prescriptions. you have to have a valid prescription and insurance to use these, but they save a LOT of money.

-Switching from Brand to Generic or vice versa

This all depends on your insurance company (if you have it ofc) but some only cover brand and some offer a cost saving generic. If your condition requires you to take the brand version of a product, your doctor can submit a PA request on your behalf and explain to your insurance why they’re prescribing it to get approval for coverage. If this doesn’t work then you can always switch drugs to another one on the formulary list your insurance company covers (requires a new prescription tho)

I really hope this helps :)

[compo67]

How have you been?

Oof. Big oof. 

That’s a damn good question, anon. CN: housing, trauma, depression, safety

I have been... not the greatest. I can relate to a lot of memes right now. There are so many, I can’t pick just one. I save a lot of them to my phone. 

I have been displaced from my home and living with my mom/extended family for about a month now. At first, I thought it would be like any other time I’ve been housing insecure and displaced. I’ve experienced homelessness as a result of traumatic situations many times in my teens and twenties. I was like. Pft. I got this.

Narrator voice: Cal did not got this. 

But you know, in all the years I’ve been in therapy, working on shit, not a single therapist warned me that this shit would only hit you harder as you age. 

Kinda would have been nice to have that warning. Anyway. It’s had a serious impact on my mental, physical, and emotional health. Combine that with the shared trauma of /gestures to everything in the world right now/ and chronic health issues, May has been an incredibly difficult month. I don’t really want to share many specifics, but it has been tough keeping myself safe at some points.

Rest assured though, I am currently safe. And doing better than yesterday and yesterday was better than the day before. 

I haven’t uploaded anything to Patreon, AO3, or Tumblr in a while. I feel so depressed about that, but when I try to write, nothing happens. I’m also not taking my Vyvanse because it amplifies my anxiety, so focusing is an issue. And just. My brain. Is. Tired. All it wants to do is consume media, not produce it. 

I’m trying to remind myself that the shit in my head lies. Y’all don’t hate me because I’m not writing my heart out and posting every single day during a global pandemic. Y’all don’t hate me because I’m not writing while I’m crashing at my mom’s. It’s pressure only I put on myself. But anxiety is so LOUD. 

There is good news though. I managed to survive the layoffs and furloughs at my job, thank goodness. I depend on my job for my insurance, which includes and covers transplant with my chosen hospital. I’m actually working more these days. 

I’m happy to be with my sister and my extended family. They bring me a lot of joy. I missed them fiercely when shelter in place started. I was so lonely at my dad’s, where it’s just me and him, I didn’t realize how lonely until I came here. I’m eternally grateful that my sister and I set up a plan ahead of time for something like this. 

I’ve kept a lot of my doctor appointments thanks to telehealth. My MRI has been pushed back, but that’s okay. I’m starting Humira again tomorrow to shake off this Sjogren’s flare. I am better at managing POTS and my resting heart rate isn’t consistently 130 bpm anymore. The subluxations in my knees and hips (damn femur bones) aren’t as frequent. 

I need to buy a home. It’s just clear to me that this is the next step in my life, like it or not. I’ve shied away from even thinking about buying a home because you know, that millennial life. For the entirety of my adult life, even if I worked two jobs, I was never able to even rent anything on my own. I’ve never ever permanently lived somewhere that I felt 100% safe in. 

So, I’ve been researching ridiculous amounts. Calling agencies and nonprofits trying to figure out how someone who is disabled and can only work part time could possibly ever hope to own a home. I have a spreadsheet titled, “I don’t know what I’m doing, but I’m doing it anyway.” 

If you have tips on buying a home--especially if you’re disabled--please share.

I have the world’s tiniest down payment, but I have other things in my favor. If anyone can research something to death, it’s me.

What a strange time to be alive, right? 

I’m super anxious about Illinois reopening prematurely, being an immunocompromised person. I’m still grieving about this whole liver transplant within the next 10 years thing. That stuff makes it really hard to be hopeful or to plan anything long-term. But I’ve been talking about this more. I don’t live in my head 100% anymore. Maybe like 90% but that 10% really helps. 

I just hope folks continue to be patient with me in all aspects of life. Writing wise. Friendship wise. Family wise. Job wise. Me wise. 

I hope y’all are okay. I hope y’all are surviving /and/ thriving. I hope you have lots of moments of joy throughout your day. I hope there are times when you feel happiness. 

I reread Post Hole Diggers today and wow. I’m still so proud of that fic. 

Now I just have to make my way back there. And get a bunch of other things sorted out at the same time. Fingers crossed. 

-Cal

[sexhaver]

Last anon here, thanks for the reply! Really made me feel better about not wanting to take these meds, obviously my health should come first regardless of how productive I can make myself. Time released would be the shit, I took time released vyvanse and it saved my ass academically. Surely there’s something generic I can get into, bc all this shit reminds me of when I was like 5 and cracked out on Ritalin all the damn time lmao. love your blog you’re always cool as hell, take care !! 🏳️‍🌈

aww thank you! and yeah your personal health should always come first. personally i stopped taking my meds when i noticed that i literally ground permanent holes into my molars in my sleep. also i would wake up the most hungry i had ever been in my life because id forget to eat all day and wake up not having eaten in like 18 hours. no point being a perfect little cog in the capitalist machine if the price is your body

[infiniteglitterfall]

Hi! I have atypical autism and I’m having trouble at work. I feel like no work place is working out for me because of my diagnosis. I’m uncomfortable around my colleagues, I’m quiet, I don’t know when to speak or what to say etc. I’m sad, mad and frustrated that this ruins every work place for me and I don’t know what job would fit me. I’ve never told my bosses that I have atypical autism and I don’t want to do it either. I want advice on what I should do

this is a great question!  I didn’t know what atypical autism was, but I googled it and it sounds like  they came up with this because they can’t call it asperger’s anymore? “a subthreshold diagnosis, presenting with some symptoms of autism but insufficient to meet criteria for a diagnosis of childhood autism (or autistic disorder). Alternatively, atypical autism can be diagnosed when there is a late onset of symptomatology.” Aka DDNOS, apparently.  From my perspective, it doesn’t sound different from any other autistic experience. FWIW. I think they tend to base their diagnostic labels more on how we seem from the outside than what our experiences really are. just my onion It sounds like you’re struggling with social anxiety, in that special vicious-cycle kind of way where not knowing how to interact with people makes you more anxious, and that makes it harder to interact with them, which makes you more anxious....?  The nice thing about vicious cycles is that you only have to knock out part of the cycle to make the whole thing fall apart. Like: if you didn’t feel anxious about not knowing when to speak or what to say, it would be easier to figure out when to speak or what to say. Which, in turn, would give you less reason to feel anxious about it, et cetera.  Or, if you knew what to say to them and how to hit it off, you would have fewer triggers for your anxiety, which would then make it easier to.... you get the idea.  There are a lot of things that help with social anxiety. I am going to give a shout-out to medication, first of all. There are a lot of life hacks and therapeutic techniques that help a lot. And for yeeeeeaaaars, I didn’t realize that I really had anxiety, and also, thought that I “should” see if I could manage anything myself before “resorting to” meds.  Turns out, medication saves me a TON of spoons, which I was previously using to “manage” depression, anxiety, and ADHD. You would not BELIEVE how much more energy and just general functionality I had when I finally got my meds right. OMFG.  It can be a pain in the ass to find the right medication, especially if it means first having to find a medical practitioner that can help you and then having to explain the situation. Sometimes you find something that helps you right away. Sometimes you have to try different things to find something that works well enough. Sometimes you get the fun of “doesn’t work for me AND has bad side effects for me.” (OTOH, when looking at side effects, always remember that you might not get any of the side effects.)  IMHO, the hardest part of finding the right medication is that a lot of practitioners don’t know how to track whether it’s helping you or not. Or whether it’s helping ENOUGH. Like: I got on anxiety meds that were starting to help, but which were making my ADHD meds not work.  I tried a bunch of other things, and finally got Vyvanse to work for my ADHD. But I managed to FORGET that my anxiety meds weren’t doing anything, for a full year, until things got really bad and I was like “wait a minute... these should be helping????” And I did some research, accidentally found a competent psychiatrist, and found that Cymbalta worked for me... but even then, if I hadn’t found decent tools for assessing if it was enough, I would’ve stopped at like half the dose I actually needed to be on.  This post is gonna be long as it is, so I’m gonna reblog to add different tools you can use to gauge what’s working, and which will help medical professionals understand what you’re experiencing. (Because tbh, they’re often just plain ignorant about this shit.)  You do not necessarily have to go to a psychiatrist to get medication for anxiety, social or otherwise! My partner’s OBGYN prescribed him depression meds. My family doctor was willing to prescribe stuff for depression and anxiety, but only if it was something that didn’t potentially interact with ADHD meds. My chosen brother’s doctor was asking EVERYBODY, after the 2016 election, how they were doing and if they needed depression/anxiety meds. (And they’re in North Carolina!) He had never really thought about it before, and in fact, when he started taking them, his social anxiety got so much better that he was doing shit like going back into the store to tell them they’d given him too much change. He was the one who got me to think about taking them. He had a little kid, and he was like, "I’m doing this for my family.”  Ok, medication aside:  Some kinds of therapy are really good for figuring out how to interact with people. I’ve been learning a lot about different modalities, and I would recommend finding someone who does what’s called “relational therapy” or “relational-cultural therapy.”  Basically, relational therapy is ALL about learning how to interact with people and have better relationships of all kinds. It’s very connected with issues of marginalization: people who are into relational therapy learn about how marginalization, and abuse, affect us and our relationships. Like, how we can internalize a ton of shame, just from being autistic and being devalued by the people around us. Even just from existing in a world that doesn’t value or understand how we communicate, and how we experience things.  And it’s really good for identifying that stuff, healing from the struggles of trying to interact with people, and learning how to relate to people in a way that works for you.  I found an organization that explains it pretty well (”Are you anxious when it comes to social situations like the workplace?... If we are depressed or anxious, inevitably it can be traced back to tension or breakdowns in relationships, or an inability to connect”), has a blog post in the sidebar called “Signs of Aspergers In Adults - Sound Familiar?” and apparently does therapy globally via Skype. I have never used them, I don’t know anything about them, I just googled “relational therapy” “online therapist.” (Shockingly, tho, that blog post not only links to one by an actually autistic person, but is very positive about autistic traits. I’m impressed so far. And I’m sure there are other options out there, too.) Lastly (as far as Things That I Personally Know Work go), I’ve gotten a LOT of recovery around social anxiety, and learned how to build relationships at work, from 12-step programs.  The reason it works for that, as far as I can tell, is:  • It’s a peer-led model, where everyone is equal. (this was huge to me, because I really struggled for a long time with feeling like everyone knew better than I did and had more of a right to talk about anything than I did, and therapy was a tough way to deal with things at that point because I saw the therapist as A Professional who’s In Charge.)  • There’s a lot of emphasis on the fact that the newcomer who just walked into the room has as much of a right to give input in a business meeting, or to volunteer to help out with something that doesn’t require specific experience, or to share what’s going on with them, as anybody else.  • Everybody there has gone through the same stuff as you, and anybody who’s helping you is showing you what worked for them, not what they were taught would work for people. That can be a pretty big difference, especially in terms of being able to relate to them and share personal things with them.  • Working the steps involves a lot of writing about your fears and resentments, and looking at, basically, what has and hasn’t worked for you, and why it hasn’t worked. Really, what you're doing there is seeing where you can reclaim your power. And then you deal with a lot of shame, and get to discover how much you’re like other people, and how much you’re equal to other people, and that you’re a good addition to the world. • You also connect with your intuition, when working the steps, and develop a better sense of what’s intuition and what’s fear/anxiety. That, and sharing in meetings, REALLY helped me get a sense of what to say to people and get comfortable saying things. (A lot of people shorthand what I’m calling “intuition” as “god,” but it’s very much supposed to be a nonreligious idea of “god.” and IME, it’s basically your intuition, whether your belief system says that’s god talking to you, or a psychological thing, or a mystical force, or what.)  Plus, 12-step stuff is free, which I’m very much in favor of lol. And most 12-step orgs have phone meetings and online meetings, so you don’t even have to go in person if that’s a barrier. (and in a phone meeting, they might not even know you’re there!) The tricky part can be figuring out which 12-step groups are good in your area and what might work for you. Because they range from Alcoholics Anonymous to, like... what’s the most obscure one I can think of? ARTS Anonymous, I guess. (it’s for artists who are stuck, it’s not saying art is an addiction)  But if you wanted to try 12-step for this, I would say that Emotions Anonymous is really good for dealing with all sorts of emotional and mental health stuff. (and holy shit, they have an app????) Adult Children of Alcoholic and Dysfunctional Families has, iirc, a good book, (as well as all the meetings and whatnot) and most people probably qualify for that. If you have any experience with sexual assault, abuse, harassment, or being cheated on, COSA is good, and you end up working on all your other relationships and emotional stuff along the way. 

[ckingsbridge]

So I’m going to do something a little unusual for this blog and talk about something that has nothing to do with writing. I don’t do this a lot, but I think this is something I should share.

As you all know, last week I started taking medication to treat newly diagnosed ADD. This medication - Vyvanse - has already profoundly changed my life for the better. A lot of prescribers prefer Vyvanse for ADD because it has an extended release over the course of the day, which helps maintain focus without the unpleasantness of dumping a bunch of amphetamines into your brain all at once. It works incredibly well for me, with no side effects.

The problem? Vyvanse has no generic equivalent, and won’t until at least 2023 (which is when the patent expires). So the manufacturer charges over $300 for a 30-day supply - which is why my insurance company was so resistant to authorizing it.

Now, I have pretty good health insurance (through the Marketplace) for living in the US. My monthly premiums aren’t crushing, I have no deductible, a $2500 out-of-pocket max, and relatively low copays if I stay in-network. For a medication like Vyvanse, I have to pay 40% of the cost. That’s $118 a month. With good-quality health insurance.

I got this first month as a free trial with a card from the manufacturer. Since Vyvanse ended up working so well for me, I do want to keep taking it. But I’m not paying $1400 a year - more than half my out-of-pocket max - for one medication.

Because I was a hospital social worker, I know that most manufacturers have monthly savings cards. The one for Vyvanse would bring my copay down to $58, which is still too much, and it’s only good for 12 months. So I did a little more digging and learned that my income is low enough to qualify for their patient assistance program, and spent a good chunk of my morning gathering all the necessary materials for the application. If I’m approved, my cost will be drastically reduced - possibly free - and I can apply for renewal after a year if I still meet the eligibility criteria.

As I was doing this, it occurred to me how much my own privilege is giving me a leg up in this situation. From start to finish, I needed:

The knowledge that programs like these exist, and where and how to find them

A computer with internet access

The level of English literacy and reading comprehension necessary to read the application, figure out if I met the requirements, and fill it out

To be a US citizen (or legal resident), because these programs aren’t available to undocumented immigrants

The knowledge, skill, and means to seek out and obtain all of the required supporting documentation, such as proof of income, proof of copay amount, proof of insurance, etc.

Access to a printer

A state of mental health where I feel comfortable bringing this up with my practitioner at my next appointment, asking her to complete her part, assertively following up when she inevitably dawdles, and persisting until I’ve ensured that my complete application is sent in

The level of mental, emotional, and physical ability necessary to initiate and complete all of these steps on my own

Look at that list. Look at how many places a patient could be confronted by an obstacle they don’t have the means to overcome, and therefore not be able to afford the medication they need even when they qualify for available assistance.

And I know that happens all the time, because I saw it when I was a social worker. A big part of my job was helping patients obtain prescription assistance, but there was only so much I could do. I could find the programs for them, explain the applications and requirements, help them fill out the forms, and hound the doctors until the physician’s sections were completed.

But I couldn’t go home with those patients and help them track down things like their proof of income or unemployment. I couldn’t be there to make sure that their depression, or lack of internet access, or the fallout from their hospital stay didn’t obstruct the process and prevent it from being completed. So quite often, those applications weren’t ever completed, the patient couldn’t pay for their medication, and they were back in the hospital a month later for something that was completely preventable.

My point in sharing this is to try to spread awareness that there are prescription assistance programs out there. Because it wasn’t until I needed one myself, and already knew what to do and how to do it, that it occurred to me how many people might have no idea. My practitioner certainly never mentioned any of this to me.

If you find an assistance program through the manufacturer of your medication but are having difficulty understanding it, completing it, obtaining supporting documentation, etc., there’s usually a number on the form you can call for help. And if there are other barriers for you - for example, if you’re so depressed that even thinking about the process is too overwhelming - please consider asking a trusted friend or family member to help you. Similarly, if you know someone who might benefit from programs like this but would have trouble getting through the application process themselves, see if they’d be okay with you giving them a hand.

We shouldn’t make it so difficult for people to get the medication they need. But until that changes, we need to look out for each other.

[fanahannah]

A Mind Unraveled

I had never experienced a psychotic episode before. No one told me Vyvanse could cause them. I was already in the thralls of it before I or my partner could do anything about it. Lots of inventing new “math”. Sleep became secondary. That time is all a haze to me at this point, almost a year later. I’ll skip most of it, and save it for a later date. I will talk about how I was treated because of it. We’re going to start on February 2nd, groundhog’s day.

I’m wearing a crop top, and sweats that a friend and neighbor gave me. She convinced me to put on pants and begged me to stay inside while she went to work. I couldn’t listen. I walked outside in the snow with no shoes on. I flagged down a car and begged them to take me to the hospital. A short time later, I was in the back of a squad car, surrounded by at least a dozen police officers. I admitted to taking substances which I hadn’t, and I was arrested without confirmation of my story. They would believe me, when I was making absolutely no sense as long as it fit their beliefs. Only drugs could cause this. I couldn’t explain that the drugs I were on was prescribed by a doctor. Public intoxication was my charge. They took me to the police station, a large toddler sitting in their backseat. I tried desperately to take the hat from the front seat because I really wanted to wear it. It was resting on the barrel of the officer’s gun.

The officer trying to book me had the same tattoo as me. He tried to make small talk, and all I could do was say “I’m going to pee my pants now. I’m sorry.” I tried to sleep in wet pants until I was transferred to county jail. I was placed in a cold room and tried to sleep on the cold floor. It was a room filled with telephones and I tried to figure out how to call home. A guard came by and angrily replaced the phones on the receivers without really acknowledging my existence.

They attempted to book me several times. I wasn’t hostile, but I also wasn’t cooperative. I was in the mindset of three year old. I would wander off as they were trying to pry information out of me. I thought they were aliens and I had been abducted. If I could be polite and just not give them information, they would let me go. They tried at least 3 times to get my information. Then they would send me back to my cell, 120. All concrete. All cold. The last time, I took interest in the plexiglass sneeze guard at the central desk. I poked it with my finger to test the simulation I was trapped in. A guard bellows “Don’t touch that”. I found a flaw in the game. I have to exploit it. I touch it again.

I’m slammed against the wall. My hands are forced behind my back. I’m attempted to shove my hands through what they call the “bean door” a little slot in the giant metal door. It doesn’t work. I’m shoved in the cell. I’m bodyslammed to the floor. Here comes another guard. I later learned it was his 3rd day on the job. He seemed energetic and scared. They desperately want me to go on my back. I do not want that. I don’t want to suffocate in the prone position. I can’t vocalize that in my psychotic state. They try and try. They have two sets of cuffs on me, but still no budging. I start to laugh. It’s still a game. I’m fighting off two full grown men with ease. I feel no pain. I feel no contempt. No anger. I feel like I’m doing the right thing, self preservation. The man who body slammed me starts saying “I’m going to tase you” over and over again. He unhoslters, and unloads his stun gun into my leg. No effect. He does it again. And again. And again. I don’t budge. He has this look of immense fear on his face. He goes for my stomach as the rookie tries to get a better position in front of me instead of beside me. I lurch forward as taser meets just below my belly button, and my face lands into the shoulder of the rookie. I feel the electricity for the first time, but in my mouth as I tase the rookie with my open maw. They seem pleased with this. “You’re gonna get it now, you were just here for a misdemeanor and now that’s a felony. You’re in it now. You drew blood. That’s it for you. It’s over.” The blood was from my ankles and wrists from being repeatedly slammed onto the concrete and having cuffs tightened over and over again. The evidence photos don’t even show teeth marks. They back off of me since they got what they wanted, and I go limp. The lights are bright. I close my eyes while laying on my back looking up at the fluorescents. Even with eyes closed it is blindingly bright. They leave me alone for a while still cuffed.

Time passed, they uncuffed me, and I curl up in the corner of the room. I stay there for hours. The food they shoved through the door sits motionless. I think they’re trying to trap me with it. I don’t eat for a few days. I repeat nonsensical words over and over because I think It creates a force field protecting me. I try and create a transportation whistle from my hair and some foam from the metal door. It worked through whistling, and I whistled so hard and so loud. I felt the first taste of freedom since going in. It doesn’t last.

The lights never turn off. I’m still in the underwear I pissed myself in days ago. I sleep on the floor, wrapped up in tattered scratchy blankets with an eye slit always watching the door. Around day 3 or 4, they start bringing me some kind of antipsychotic. I start to come out of my psychosis, and I feel sore. I feel broken. I’m in a haze. I finally get to talk to my family. They sound depressed and disappointed. My partner sounds so happy that I’m alive and guilty that he couldn’t help me. I finally get a plastic bed that they call a boat. I’m promised new underwear, but it never comes. I’m given a pencil and an envelope that I unravel to write what happened to me. I’m also given a bible. I read the Samuel chapters and learn that David was in a gay relationship with a man named Johnathan. Two days before I’m scheduled to be bonded out, I get a shower at midnight. Time doesn’t mean anything to me at this point. I leave my underwear on to have them be at least a little bit washed. I don’t really wash because I’m convinced it’s a gas chamber that they’re going to use to kill me with. The sounds outside of my cell sound like people laughing and loading guns over and over again. I’ve slept in 2 or 3 hour increments for almost a week. The lights never went off except for the last night that I’m there. No one would tell me the time, and they would close my viewing door to prevent me from being able to see the clock. I had to learn the guards names to ask them what time it was. Other people on the ward would scream all night incoherently.

My first moments out of the jail, I hug my dad for what most likely will be the last time. He hasn’t spoken to me since I transitioned. My partner took me home, and I sang all the way home at the top of my lungs. I tickled my son while he was sitting in his car seat because his laughter was immediately a healing sound to hear. I feel disheveled and broken, but I escaped and made it out alive. We crest a hill while driving and I can see for literal miles. The open blue sky is foreign. It’s completely breathtaking, and not in a good way. I felt like all the air was being sucked out of my lungs. I cried and cried and cried. I did my hormone injection and showered for real. I start to feel some semblance of normalcy. I lay in my california king bed with my partner, my dog, and we watch TV.

The normalcy fades in the coming weeks, and I have to start dealing with the trauma that I suffered. I had nerve damage in my thumbs from the cuffs. I had bruises from the walls and floor I was slammed into. I had burns on my legs and stomach that had to heal. The part that has taken the longest to heal is my mind. I was agoraphobic for months. I had to stop watching my favorite shows because I had been convinced they were killing me through some government white light death ray. I still can’t watch some of them because it’s too triggering.

I’ve come so far from that time. I feel alive. I’m reminded of the events that took place every time I go to my probation visits. I can never fully distance myself from those memories and experiences. I’m still not okay, but I’m getting there. All the misgendering and dehumanization almost made me detransition. I’m so glad I didn’t. I feel more comfortable in my skin now than ever before. The reminders of that time are cold and sting. One day, enough time will have passed and I’ll have progressed far enough that I won’t have to feel the pain of those things. They’ll be distant. I’ll still be here. I love myself. I was tested to my breaking point, and I made it out.

[burntupbabydoll]

I have the most efficient, self destructive way of life.

9:30 am, get up, stare at myself and figure out what I have to do.

10 am I take my meds, 30 mg of prozac, 150 of Wellbutrin and 20 mg of Vyvanse.

The Wellbutrin makes my head completely empty, I guess no thoughts means no sad thoughts. The Vyvanse makes me focus so I can participate with day to day activities and not have a panic attack instead. And the prozac, good god prozac is amazing, it’s my saving grace if I’m honest. As long as I take my prozac I can handle anything.

Then to take off the edge of the Vyvanse I usually smoke a joint, a good joint can cure anything if I’m honest. It’s definitely an addiction no doubt but I’m fucked up anyways, better weed than benzos.

At some point I usually have pre workout and a joint or some rips off a THC pen, I can go even harder at the gym because I can’t really feel it anyways. The pre workout gives me the energy akd everything else either makes me focus or not feel anything.

No matter what I finish the day with knocking myself out with a couple bowls and sometimes a few yummy tabs of melatonin, you know what I’m talking about.

Everyday I get up and do the same thing, function, move through the actions but never truly being able to get into character.

(I feel like such an angsty young person writing this…)

But anyways, the main point is, why is my most destructive life my most efficient?

[turtle-to-eternity]

300 Days of Remaking: Days 3 & 4

Physically, the past 2 days were also failures. I don't know how bad exactly.

Nov. 3rd: 5000?/1800 calories

Nov. 4th: 5000?/1800 calories

We had to bring Hunter to the vet after his arthritis got so bad he could barely walk. After some medication and a new laser procedure, he's significantly better.

But that also meant I barely slept. No exercise got done, since I 'compensated' by sleeping until I had to leave for work again. I bought the ab wheel though.

I want to buy a punching bag, it sounds like a good way to unwind. Also punching is a skill in itself, an important one. Possibly as life-saving as CPR.

It's been 3 weeks in the new home, but boxes keep piling up as we buy more stuff. I guess it's a good sign, but man do I hate looking at boxes in my house after 8 hours of working with them.

Physical Rating: 1/10

Emotionally, I'm still quite depressed, but still hopeful for the rest of this journey. Despite the stress, I've committed to trying a new food this weekend. Maybe it'll help my meal planning in the future.

I took another Friday double dose of Vyvanse after my drug vacation, which has me feeling calm and competent. My goals are attainable, I don't need food to be sane, and chores are worth doing. I'll take another double tomorrow and then hopefully my doctor's appointment will set me up with something that works better. I'm still undecided about whether to try something new or just increase the dosage of what I already know is decent.

On one hand, going with what currently works lets me focus on other things from now on. On the other hand, my experience with Vyvanse might just be a shadow on the cave wall, and the best medication for me is just around the corner. Who knows.

I got a cheap wax warmer and some wildberry cheesecake scented wax. It's something I've daydreamed about since before we moved, and now I have it. My room smells like happiness.

She's still washing dishes and picking up after herself, for the most part. Hasn't walked her dogs at all though. I do that from now on.

My grandmother continues to grate on my nerves, but it's not as bad as at the camper. Not nearly as bad. On that topic, I'm gonna write out some happy thoughts about this. It might cheer me up.

In the camper:

~ There was no space, whenever I got up I had to walk right past grandma and her constant stream of literal and metaphorical trash.

~ My only personal space was also the path to the front door. It had no room for personal items, and my 'desk' was a tiny square table that barely fit a keyboard and monitor.

~ There was no privacy. Sound traveled freely both inside and out, and every movement could be felt from across the whole camper.

In my new home:

~ There is room for everyone to walk, even in the kitchen.

~ While not huge, my room has enough space for a full size mattress, a large desk, a possible TV, and it even has a closet. Even if I do add another table with a TV, I have enough room for yoga and pushups!

~ My room is also highly soundproofed, lockable, and sits isolated at the end of a long hallway. I can completely separate myself from my dear grandmother and her dogs for as long as I choose.

In social news, I talked some more at work yesterday. It's getting easier still. My first microphone is here too. I plan on using it at least a little this weekend. I am scared.

Emotional Rating: 4/10

Mentally, I haven't learned anything yet. I continue to work on my mental growth strategy with task lists and special alarms that require effort to disable. I still plan to begin this after I manage to stick to my diet, chores, and workout regimen.

Mental Rating: 2/10

Financially, I have spent too much.

Gifts for grandma, a $250 chair, a $100 microphone, lots of junk food, and a myriad of other things drained my bank account. Fortunately I planned well enough to pay all my bills regardless.

Food has always been the biggest ouch though. So yesterday I bought 2 different flavors of ramen noodle soup. I'm going to pick what I like more, and eat a lot of that from now on. Not for every meal, but certainly for most meals. It's going to make a big difference.

Financial Rating: 3/10

[kaylabliss]

Since I'm posting again...

I figure I'll post about why I've disappeared from Tumblr for about a million years. I missed all you people that I don't actually talk to but enjoy seeing posts from.

This year has been total shit. I don't know what my last "update" was, but I doubt anyone else will remember either.

I'm finally on ADHD medication (as of November), which has made a very slight difference in my ability to function. However, I'm thinking of asking for something different. I'm on Adderall XR, and I'm wondering if Vyvanse would be more helpful. It costs twice as much, but if it helps, it would be worth it.

Despite taking daily amphetamines, I've gained even more weight and I'm at my highest weight since pregnancy. (I'm not taking Adderall for weight loss, of course, but it would have been a really nice side effect. I have little to no appetite, but I still eat way too much because depression anxiety and laziness.)

In January, we found out Toys R Us was closing. My partner has been a supervisor there for ten years, so this was a pretty devastating blow for us. His last day was in April. Fortunately, he was only unemployed for about a month. In the week after TRU closed, he helped a local mom and pop toy store owner move some shelves that they'd bought from the TRU liquidation. That got his foot in the door, and now he's actually making more money there than he was at TRU.... To the tune of an extra $250 a week. Better yet, they love him. And his boss? Small world, he was my favorite patient at my old job. So we're going into this with me already knowing and liking his boss! And a fun bonus: when new movies come out, they rent out entire rows at the theater and all the employees and whoever they want to invite can go see it. Eric went to see Solo with them-- I've been trying to convince him to go out and do things with people for literally our entire relationship, so I was THRILLED about this. Also, the store sells mostly older collectibles, so when he saw what his toys were worth, he was psyched. He sold two of his old action figures this week for $400, and he gets 60% of that on consignment.

The salary increase and extra money is great, because in February, my car broke down. The transmission died, and as it was a POS 1996 Lexus, it would have cost four times what the car was worth to fix it. So we've been sharing a car, which has been difficult, but thankfully both our jobs close at 8 and we're right across the street from each other. While he was still at TRU, he was sometimes getting off around 10, which meant keeping my daughter out way too late. But now we can start saving for a down payment on a car, and actually afford car payments without having to live on ramen.

Also in February, his mom was diagnosed with lung cancer. This has been hard. Last week, she had her final surgery to remove the cancerous mass from her lung. She came home on Thursday and she's doing well. Aside from the anxiety over her diagnosis, this has been hard in about a dozen other ways. She had some moments where she was legitimately scared that she wouldn't get to see Shilo grow up, and this was made even harder when she lost her hair. She looked different, and Shilo acted scared of her. I don't know if she was having trouble recognizing her or what. And then to top it off, they've always been pretty well off financially and have always been able to help out their kids when needed-- including us. But there was a lot of things their insurance didn't pay for, and they had a $100 copay for each radiation treatment for six weeks. We haven't needed help with money, thankfully, but under normal circumstances they may have been able to help us get a new car. They also missed their granddaughter's graduation in Texas, which I know was disappointing. Eric's unemployment was actually helpful though, because he was able to stay home with Shilo for the greater part of his mom's chemo and radiation.

All that aside, there have been a lot of daily stressors and disappointments for me. I don't know how much I should really go into here, since someone could stumble into my blog.... Eh, I think I have it locked from public view, so.

One of the biggest things that bugged me was my mom. I didn't get to see her for Christmas because on Christmas eve, it was more important to her to go pass out coffee at a local men's shelter. (I know it sounds noble, but sometimes I wonder. She's wound up dating several of the men there.) I had to work on Christmas day. I didn't see her until the end of January at my niece's birthday party. She didn't bring Shilo's Christmas presents with her, because we had planned to do lunch before the party but neither of us felt well enough for it, so she decided not to bring the presents. I brought her and Lily's presents, because I knew it could be a while before we could get together, and it was already a month late. After that, she said several times she would come over with them. One day, she had told me she was going to be down the street at Walmart and would drop by... She actually called me from Walmart to ask me for diet advice.... And didn't come over when she was done.

In May, she finally just brought the presents to me at work, because she was at a dentist appointment in the same complex I work in. I didn't ACTUALLY see her until last week.

In all that time, she knew about all the crap I've been going through, and she hasn't checked on me one single time. In fact, the week after my car broke down, she called me to brag that she had traded in her perfectly good, brand new car for an even newer car. This was particularly infuriating to me, because I was busting my ass working overtime and working every single holiday and I was barely making rent (forget any chance of getting even a cheap functioning car), but she's on SSDI and is taking on this huge car payment for literally no reason.

Then, when we finally did get together and go to lunch, she spent the first fifteen minutes listing every celebrity who has ever @ her on Twitter (despite me saying repeatedly "I have no idea who that is" and showing zero interest in the discussion because c'mon), talked about herself the whole time, and didn't ask me any questions about how things are going. When I did manage to get a word in, it was about Shilo's behavior at school, and she took over the conversation again to tell me about this place where you can drop autistic kids off for a few hours (but they're not even a licensed childcare facility, which makes me nervous, and they don't list their prices on their website which means I can't afford them). They also have family classes and actives and whatever, but still, I'm sure I can't afford them.

One of the things that really hurt me though? She had been "too busy" to see us for nearly six months, but she had time to make a 400 mile round trip to the other end of the state to spend time with my high school roommate and her children... Two weekends in a row, including on Mother's Day weekend. But yeah, too fucking busy to see her own daughter and granddaughter. When I tried to confront her on it, she was really blasé about it and deflected the conversation.

And? She didn't tell me that she broke up with her boyfriend months ago, and was not living where I thought she was living. In fact, I'm pretty sure she straight up lied to me about it, because she sent me what appeared to be an accidental text about moving, and when I said "wait what, you're moving?" she said "oh yeah from one trailer to the other" (they were living in a trailer park where you can only stay six months due to the sewage system or something, so they bought two trailers so they could move to the second every six months).

It's all made me feel really alone. I miss my grandma, because she never would have treated me this way. My mom is the only "family" I have, and she has zero interest in being part of my life.

Anyway, done with that section.

Shilo has been very violent at school, to a point where we actually got TWO behavior referrals in one day (a slip explaining her behavior and consequences-- usually involves missing recess, having to eat lunch in the principal's office, and/or writing an apology letter). It's been frustrating, and I haven't been sure what to do since I work so much and have my own issues with executive function and lack the ability to keep a stable routine. I'm hoping next year will be better, and I'm going to get a behavior intervention plan added to her IEP so we can figure out WHY she acts this way instead of just trying to correct the behavior after it happens. They do try to circumvent the behavior, mostly using social stories before transitions and things, but I don't think it's working.

Another big thing is that I got my IUD removed, and while I'm pissed about having a real menstrual cycle again, I'm shocked at some of the effects the IUD had on me that I didn't even realize. It turns out it was really dampening my sex drive, and portions of my personality. Suddenly I was interested in sex again and attracted to anything that moves lmao. An increased sex drive is a bad thing for me though, which I won't go into here.... But in short, let's say that it's caused some hurt feelings due to rejection.

So yeah, that's most of it. If you actually read my wall of text and whining, thanks! You're a champ.

[maximuswolf]

So I finally swallowed my pride at 40 years old and discussed my symptoms with my doctor. He prescribed Vyvanse, but my high deductible plan means I have to pay full price apparently. Are you guys on much better insurance, on different meds, or are you just shelling out these big bucks every month? via /r/ADHD

So I finally swallowed my pride at 40 years old and discussed my symptoms with my doctor. He prescribed Vyvanse, but my high deductible plan means I have to pay full price apparently. Are you guys on much better insurance, on different meds, or are you just shelling out these big bucks every month?

So I've suspected I have ADHD for a long, long time. My teenage son has been diagnosed for years now, and after learning more about it for his sake I realized that I presented most of these symptoms as well. But I just kept coping as I have my entire life.

This past year has made it glaringly obvious though, and I've been suffering from crippling brain fog and mental exhaustion that is severely hampering my ability to work. So, I finally swallowed my pride and talked to my doctor. He agreed with my assessment and prescribed me Vyvanse, the same as my son's prescription.

My son however is on both my insurance and his mother's. I'm otherwise healthy and have no other prescriptions, and the difference in cost to me for a high deductible plan vs the PPO option is nearly $2500 a year because it covers both me and my son. The yearly deductible on the HD plan is $2800 before insurance starts covering stuff. So I figured, why spend that $2500 up front when I can just roll the dice on remaining healthy for the time being and just pony up the deductible if need be? Math seems to make sense, and has worked out in my favor for years as I've never needed any serious medical attention.

I never thought of potential prescriptions though, and my son's mother picks his up and had never mentioned anything about an exorbitant cost. I guess I didn't fully understand how prescriptions worked with my plan because the pharmacy is telling me it will be $325 for 30 damn pills. I asked my son's mother and she said the pharmacy originally told her something similar, but they applied some coupon magic and now she only pays $30. I don't know if there's something else being covered by her insurance instead though, but it sounds like originally there was not if they also were going to charge her $300+.

So I found the coupon on Vyvanse's site here, but this seems to suggest the best that's going to do is knock $60 off each fill.

https://www.vyvanse.com/coupon

I really can't justify almost $300 a month, this is nuts. Wondering how you guys manage?

The way I figure is this, I can buy this first fill just for the hell of it, to test out and report back to my doctor (I have a follow up in a month to see how it's working out for me.) At that time I could either ask him about other, cheaper medications?

Or I could just keep filling it for insanely expensive amount and just hoard it, only taking one when I feel particularly bad? But is that really a good treatment option? Am I missing out on real, lasting effects by not taking it on a regular schedule?

Or I just suck it up and pay out the ass like that? It'll essentially be the whole year to hit my deductible, which is just stupid. Then I guess I could bump my plan to the PPO option next year, but all that really does in the end is hide the cost behind a big increase in my paycheck deduction instead of me paying in cash up front. I think it would ultimately save me in the end, but it will still be at least a couple thousand extra a year.

Anyone else out there on some cheaper meds that are still helpful and don't have any significant side effects? This really sucks, I was so looking forward to getting some help and now I'm considering just going back to being miserable.

Submitted January 21, 2021 at 08:59PM by jmc323 via reddit https://ift.tt/39SYKc2

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[actuallyadhd]

ADHD Awareness Month

Hi, my name’s Amy. I’m 16 years old and I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 14, but wasn’t medicated until very recently. My whole life I’ve been jumpy, distracted; I hyper focus like nobody’s business, obsessing over characters in my favorite books, movies, you name it. My imagination has always been my greatest ally (and probably my greatest flaw). I did well in school up until 5th grade, where I almost buckled from stress over homework. I was always told that I was “lazy” or “better than this,” and I know my parents didn’t mean too, but it hurt when they put that pressure on me. Because I was doing the best I could, and that didn’t seem to be good enough. When I got to middle school things didn’t get much better, because they were prepping us for high school, the workload got worse and so did my health. Finally, because I have a very supportive mother (and a lot of supportive friends), I met with a specialist after explaining my need for some other kind of solution. She had me tested and I was told I had ADHD. I started taking medicine, which negatively effected me and then I was put on anti-depressants. My doctor told me that my reactions to Vyvanse didn’t make sense, so she swept my ADHD diagnosis under the rug. Things didn’t get worse, but they didn’t get better.

Now I’ve had almost two full years and counting at my high school, a safe haven, an art school where I get to practice my passion- creative writing. I met with a new specialist, who tested me on every kind of medication until we found something that worked for me. I’m not saying medicine saved my life, or even that it makes everything better. I still have bad days, weeks, months even. But because I’ve been given the access to learning more about myself, and people like me, as of this year- I feel incredible. I’m going to keep pushing forward, through bad days and good ones, because I’ve come to the conclusion that this is just me. And I’m proud of me.