#vs myself who exists and like that's fine bc we all have a right to exist and be here and live but at the same time the rule doesn't

[izzy-b-hands]

I'm ngl this show really did call me the fuck out re: my own trauma and lack of addressing it. In many ways, but I'm sitting here trying to write cute s2 fic and I keep coming back to Izzy having to learn to open up enough to accept others caring about him, in a way that's comfortable to him and shows they accept who he is, and fucking. That line from Pete. Bro. How dare you but also yeah

Not a bad question. I focus a lot on the ways I've nearly died. But I haven't ever let myself think in detail about the fact that I've lived. Isn't that a motherfucker of a question lmao

[jean-meowreau]

I see what you mean but I think there's this huge hypocrisy. When Nora said Andrew used to fuck Renee in past drafts, everybody lost it. Because they hated seeing someone suggest a gay man, even in a previous draft where he was bi, slept with a woman.

But then you have an ace character. And I understand different interpretations exist, but Neil in canon is very clear about this - he says he doesn't swing, doesn't look at others differently after his attraction to Andrew, etc. Canon couldn't be clearer. But like I said, people are fine with it when we're putting an ace character with somebody their sexuality and how they experience it would make it impossible for them to be with.

I think anyone who realistically thinks Neil would sleep with somebody other than Andrew and tries to claim it as in interpretation is lying to themselves, or others, to avoid any criticism for what they're doing (altering a characters sexuality in such a way that if somebody did it to a character who isn't ace they wouldn't like it)

Hell, people hate it and will attack you if you don't see Kevin as bi. And he's not even canonically bi! I'm sorry, but as an ace person myself, it infuriates me. It's such an obvious double standard, and I hate it.

When it's a bi or gay character it's all "Oh if you see them any other way it's erasure!"

But when it's an ace character it's suddenly "Oh there's room for interpretation!"

I block people who do it and will continue to do so. And if they don't like it when I call them out for it, they can block me too.

like this shite right here is about Neil being aromantic but you're making it about him being under the ace label. Get your shite together before you wanna argue this BS with me again. I've sat on these to see if my emotions shift but they don't. yall were talking some mad dumb shite you don't even fully understand. Your point IS VALID but this isn't about Neil being ACE but ARO. Make the correct argument and I won't have a problem with you. ♡

Neil being poly =/= Neil being ace. It's also part of the fucking books that attraction was met with punishment from his mother, so there's a chance he isn't even aro and after some therapy he would be more comfortable and open to shite. Yeah? So actually fuck off. You get on my nerves almost as much as the dumb fucks saying Andrew could never be comfortable sexualising himself even though Nora talks about his therapy and growth from his trauma. He is a young man with a healthy sex drive and trauma.

Stay out of my inbox. I'm tired of people trying to be some moral superiority when they don't even know what they're doing. Block me so we don't have to hear from each other. Because I'm SO TIRED of people assuming every ace person is aro and vice versa. WE AREN'T!

edited to add this bc i got so frustrated and sent post early: the possibility of Neil sleeping with someone else hinges on his romantic inclination because we can see with how he feels about Andrew leading to those feelings. Romantic feelings -> sex for Neil. The possibility of Neil having sex with someone else would be dependent on his romantic attraction. He's not at the end of the ace spectrum where he has no sex whatsoever, so making this argument and it's just about him having sex and not about actually understanding that his aromantic label and where he sits on that spectrum is what influences it is why I'm so heated. Because I know I'll blow a couple fuckin minds when y'all find out I'm ace and poly. And I have had and will continue to(if the situation arises) have sex with multiple partners. Realistically, Neil is demisexual, and he's highly aromantic. Demisexual falls under the ace umbrella, just PLEASE for the love of everything, learn to distinguish romantic vs sexual when you're trying to make your arguments in the future. I am on my hands and knees begging.

[painonthebrain]

I’m gonna be honest watching everything with @/emmettworld go down is just kinda sad and also makes me. Conflicted?

Idk proship vs anti shit below cut im just . I probably shouldnt be writing anything rn bc my brain isn’t functioning for. Some fucking reason but whatever i do what i want

Like I don’t define myself as proship bc I think the whole pro vs anti thing is like. Ugh I can’t find the words. Idk it’s like.

Like I don’t want to call myself proship because. I have so many friends who will tear me apart for that and itll ruin our relationships and I love them and also I hate like. Having to attribute myself to a “side” but like. I’m completely fine with everything fictional. Yes. I don’t care, as long as it’s properly tagged, warned, etc.

Also I ship stuff like selfcest and clonecest so. Idk I don’t think antis do that.

And anti culture reeks of ew ew ew this (fiction) is gross! It shouldn’t exist AT ALL! And proship culture reeks of oh my god these stupid baby minors this is FICTION. DUH. Youre all beneath me

Anyway I know theres at least one moot i i can think of who has proship dni in their intro and like... if ur reading this. hi. I dont call myself proship but i certainly have some of the beliefs which is why i interact but if you’re uncomfortable u can totally block me like. Im not doing this to be some shady imposter who lurks in the dark i just dont label myself as any of this shit!!

im like. Lowkey terrified of how people are going to react to this post bc im HORRIBLE at using my words rn but like.

Like i just want people to make whatever tf they want to make! It shouldn’t be a person’s problem to “sanitize” themselves! And also fictional characters are quite literally made up people we create to do whatever the fuck we want to them! But also it’s important (in my opinion) to be at least a little critical of what you make. But also you shouldn’t have to file down your expression. But alsO-

Like there are so many factors to well. Factor in when it comes to fiction! And i try so hard to develop my media literacy (even with my underdeveloped baby frontal lobe) every day but even so these topics can be hard to navigate

Anyway yeah no conclusion paragraph because as you can probably tell from my writing. I have no idea what im saying i just feel the need to say something

Idk i just feel like a neurotic prey animal right now like im like.

Ok ok time to get personal guys

I have like MAJOR irrational fears that i am a horrible person like. Almost constantly and pro vs anti discourse makes that shit go fucking WILD. anyway. Yeah i have like this almost fanatic paranoid fear that no matter how hard i try i am a Bad Person and that im like. Metaphorically rotting from the inside and eventually i will expose it to everyone that i am Bad and Awful and Nasty and that even then when everything goes bad ill be completely unaware of my own inherent corruptness and that i will eventually hurt people or whoever i have the capacity to hurt and that things are doomed to fail for me because im such an abhorrent person

Anyway yeah those thoughts are obviously NONSENSICAL because… what??? The fuck????

But then my brain is like ooh yeah lets introduce some fucked up thoughts in here. Intrusive thoughts, if you will. Which all span many nasty awful things that are usually highly morally corrupt and wow I wonder if that ties into all that i said before? Yep it probably does!

Which makes me anxious as hell because then im also convincing myself that those thoughts are real and are my own thoughts and wants. Which FUCKS ME UPPP

So anyway that’s why I don’t label myself as pro or anti because proship makes me feel like im a horrible person who will hurt people and is disgusting and awful (also the intrusive thoughts) and the anti label goes against my very strong beliefs of freedom of creation and expression etc.

Yay rant vent brain barf over!!!!

[spynorth]

i haven’t watched this show in so long and i was looking for gifsets the other night and some commentary from people in the tags (my god thats a terrifying tag) had me asking hunter a lot of questions because while he hasn’t seen spooks in years either, that eidetic memory helps out a lot when it comes to remembering every absolute fucking detail but anyways, as to the headcanon post this triggered - I’m gonna get rambly because it’s hard for me to organize disjointed thoughts so just hold on, mates ... don’t abandon ship yet.

There seems to be this idea in the lucas north fandom that he has some sort of break/schism as far as believing he actually is lucas instead of john bateman and while I agree with some of that .. it’s not how my brain is wrapping around it. Are we close enough for this yall? let’s hope we’re close enough for this. anyways, obviously the giant TraumaTM from being in russia causes a whole host of shit days and flashbacks and i know people argue that the entire arc of john vs lucas doesn’t make sense and that the writers destroyed his character but you know what .. it makes for some good fucking food when it comes to character complexities. Ignoring russia and going way back to the beginning, i know that obviously 8 years in a prison and like 17 days of torture really fuck up/break a person ... but there was a trauma response in him way before that. Sketching lightly over the details (i don’t wanna set anything from canon rigidly down bc then i’m beholden to it), when he blows up the embassy and then as a result murders lucas north and assumes his identity ... I’m pretty sure thats some TraumaTM right there, my mates. But the thing is - I don’t think you have to have a sort of psychotic break to start believing the lies you tell yourself. And actually, I don’t even have to say think - I can say know.

I am 32 years old and I’m super comfortable with myself now but I spent upwards of 30 years with my parents lying about how i was down to crazy little details. I had different friends, different social circles, different jokes, different things we did that day, different career choices, different college courses, different hobbies, different favorite foods, different books i read and different music i listened to, i didn’t play videogames, yada yada yada... I had an entire completely different life. When we first moved in together, Hunter would be like ‘what the absolute fuck??’ because i would talk to my mom on the phone or they would visit us and I just slid so easily into this role that i was supposed to play. I knew every detail, I could recall memories of things I had told them in junior high and high school to keep the charade alive and it wasn’t until I started CBT after my mental break in 2016 that I realized that I still to this day have things that are a part of me that make me go wait, did that happen? because i was so dedicated to the role, so to speak, To pull it off completely, I had to embrace it. Think of it as like real life roleplay. I got super good at lying and crafting an insane life for my parents to the fact they were literally none the wiser. Their kid was strung out on drugs and alcohol and had said fuck this to his master’s program and I was ‘put together’ every time they saw me, so it was fine. Mentall illness, being gay, being a nerd .. it’s all super frowned upon in our family so i learned to hide it and not be a disappointment.

 You embrace the lies in order to pull it off. You live it. Your memories sometimes become ‘real’ and you have to really work on sifting through them, but you don’t just forget that it’s not true. I was very aware of who I was and what I was doing so my logic is that my lucas north would be too. he doesn’t forget. does he reach a point where he pushes it to the back of his mind and gives himself the biggest lie of all? that everything is ok? that whole don’t think about it and it doesn’t exist approach? yes. and i think the trauma from russia sort of broke into that. which i mean, was i tortured for 17 days? no. but i had my breaking point in 2015 (blows a kiss to hunter) which people can definitely attest to. and i was so overwrought by the idea of living that double life and having to choose/face consequences or face the fact that i wasn’t who my parents thought i was or who they wanted me to be .. I almost pulled a season 9 plot twist as well (ifkyk). but i was stopped and I got help and I hung in there and I finally am me and my parents have been told to suck it .. but my point is - Lucas is not a hapless victim in my opinion and i will never write him as such. He is very aware of what he is doing. He knows deep down he is not lucas north. he is just trying to ignore that part of him that tells him so.

[foundthe8wing]

Okay, doing this over here because my main tumblr is usually a place for me to vibe and I don’t want all the bullshit tied to that account, but basically: I’m really angry and disappointed with the dndads cast for how they’ve put a lot of the minors in their fanbase in danger. Everything below is a repost from twitter (with permission from the OP, crypticjoy), and I’ll link the thread in a reblog. 

Under a cut because it’s long and potentially triggering (content warnings for grooming, sexualizing minors, and sexual assault)

[OP tagged the relevant cast accounts; I added slashes here bc I’m not sure if those same urls exist on tumblr and I don’t want to be randomly tagging people over here]

5:49 PM Sep 5, 2020

“I don’t usually do this, but: the way that the cast of @/dungeonsanddads engages with their audience is actively dangerous to minors, and they need to get it together. (cw for discussion of grooming, sexualizing minors, sexual assault)

First off, there are some iffy jokes and situations in the podcast itself. I’m not going to get into all of it right here, but have a google doc: [doc will also be linked in reblog]

Yes, the kids in #dndads are fictional, but that doesn’t mean this stuff doesn’t affect real kids listening. a. it normalizes talking/joking about kids in that way and b. There’s a lot of inconsistancy and confusion on the lines they draw--

Paeden saying “baby” is weird but Ron sitting in Terry Jr’s lap isn’t? I’m confused. You know who the fuck relies on that type of confusion and unclarity? Fucking predators

And I’m not saying every in-character decision has to be perfectly moral or acceptable, but the way the cast, out of character, discuss what’s weird and what’s not sends a lot of mixed messages. And that’s legitimately dangerous.

So then you take all of this, and you add a patron discord server that lets nsfw discussions run virtually unchecked--you create a fandom space that allows adults to discuss kinks, and porn searches, and just, all this other stuff, with teenagers...

... and it becomes a breeding ground for grooming and abuse.

The creators aren’t responsible for babysitting their fanbase or for how people engage with their content outside of their spaces (though, again, I’d urge them to be very careful about what kind of messages they’re sending)

But  they ARE responsible for taking basic steps to keep the spaces that THEY create and engage with safe.

“But the rules for the server say 18+!” The rules say you have to be 18 *or have parental permission.* They also say to keep things PG-13. That’s vastly different than establishing something as an adult-only/nsfw space.

“Minors shouldn’t be joining/listening anyway!” The cast can’t control who listens and neither can I, but there’s a difference between knowing teens are listening to you discuss sex with your adult friends vs facilitating conversations between teens and adults on those topics.

“If people are uncomfortable they can just leave.” First off, this situation isn’t just uncomfortable, it’s unSAFE. Second: fuck that. It’s not on minors to set and maintain boundaries about this stuff; a lot of them literally do not know how

Not because they’re stupid, but because they’re young and inexperienced. It’s the responsibility of adults to set and enforce healthy boundaries around sexual discussions, and this particular group of adults has done a fucking terrible job

(Maybe don’t encourage listeners to DM you about kinks! Maybe especially don’t do that when you’ve communicated, intentionally or not, that making and escalating sexual jokes is a really good way to get a reaction from you guys)

I get that they didn’t expect to have so many young listeners, but to be aware of that fact and make no adjustments whatsoever is irresponsible and it WILL lead to someone getting hurt. Does their “young, thirsty, female” audience only exist to them when they can laugh about it?

And let’s be absolutely 1000% clear: this isn’t an issue they’re unaware of. The stuff I’m talking about is an ongoing problem with how their server is run, but it came to a head with one specific situation very recently:

They released a bonus, patron-exclusive episode about the dads taking the bdsm test. Given the general state of the server, I was worried about where those discussions might lead, so before it dropped, I reached out to @/anthony_burch to express my concern

He told me he raised the issue with @/fwong and Ashley, meaning at least three members of the dndads team were aware of the situation, and decided it didn’t warrant any type of preemptive action on their part

(alternatively, it means Anthony lied, which would be a whole separate issue)

[Image ID: a discord DM conversation from Sep 1, 2020, between a crossed out username and reverendanthony. It reads: 

OP: heyyyyy have you guys considered that releasing an episode focused on the bdsm test is almost inevitably going to lead to a bunch of 15 year olds sharing their results in your server because you might want to get ahead of that before someone gets hurt

reverendanthony: oh holy shit, really good idea

OP: thanks, I know it's easy to veer into that territory just because of the nature of your show but I wanted to bring it to your attention because I figured you don't want to create a situation that's like, actively dangerous (and for the record I'm willing to discuss what I think would make it safer but I'm also not going to assume you want/need my input, obviously you can handle it however you see fit)

reverendanthony: No, thank you for bring it up, I really appreciate it -- I just raised the issue with Freddie and Ashley

OP: Good to know, thank you /End ID]

I’m not overreacting. I have seen this shit happen, to my friends and to myself, and watching the dndads cast take absolutely no meaningful action to prevent situations like that from occurring directly under their noses makes me fucking livid

I can guarantee that the #dungeonsanddaddies fanbase includes both predators and survivors of abuse, grooming, etc (including those currently living through it), and I need them to think very, very hard about which group they’re prioritizing.

And I need that choice to be evident through more than just their words, because it doesn’t fucking matter how much you “really appreciate” that I brought up my concerns if you do fuck-all to address them.

It doesn’t matter how many times you say the word “consent” if apparently everyone was okay that “Darryl gets sexually assaulted” was almost a plot point played for laughs.

(His dare from Scam  would have been rape, straight up. Just because no one said the word doesn’t mean it wasn’t coercive and gross).

I’d like to think the @/dungeonsanddads cast isn’t intentionally encouraging abuse, but they’re sure as hell enabling it, and they needed to get their shit together ages ago, because they’re not the ones their negligence hurts.”

Quote retweet by OP 6:51 PM Sep 7, 2020

“So, they updated the rules for the patron server, but I want to be really clear that from my perspective, it’s way too little, way too late. 

The new rules don’t adequately address the core issues and they certainly don’t absolve the cast of the harm they’ve already caused. 

[Tweet includes 2 screenshots: one of a bot asking people to click thumbs up to confirm they’re 18+ (or have a parent’s permission) and agree to the rules, and one that includes two of the rules. It reads: 

“This is an 18+ space. Them’s the rules: per Patreon’s policy, you must be 18+ or have parental permission.

Use language as if you’re at your parents dinner table. Don’t get people in trouble because of your SPICY POSTS. Keep conversation polite. NSFW content is not allowed!”]

(and before anyone says I should bring up my concerns privately, a quick refresher on how well that went last time I did it:) 

[links back to the “(alternatively, it means Anthony lied . . .)” tweet from the original thread]

So hey, @/fwong, some thoughts:

1.The rules are vague and unclear: what /exactly/ do you mean when you say “NSFW content is not allowed!” when the content of your show itself is so often nsfw? And how are you planning to enforce this?

Does it mean you’ll shut down the MBIC conversation that is literally just kink discussion? I need you to be clear on where the line is, because, again, predators rely on that confusion. Don’t give them a gray area to play in. 

For an example of a more clear policy, it’s pretty easy to say, “yep, ‘Henry gets pegged’ sure is a sentence we said on our show and you don’t have to pretend it’s not, but if you’d like to discuss it in any more detail at all, you need to move”

2. Remember how I said I needed to be clear on whether you’re prioritizing survivors or predators? While I doubt it was intentional, the language you’re using here is prioritizing predators.

It’s not “don’t get people in trouble,” it’s “don’t make people uncomfortable.” It’s “we all have a responsibility to make sure this space is safe for everyone, especially the younger members of the community.”

You’re setting people up to be afraid of expressing concerns for fear of “getting people in trouble” or “inciting unnecessary drama.” Even if it’s not what YOU meant, it’s very easy for those words to be manipulated, so +

You absolutely have to be explicitly clear that if someone expresses their discomfort, you’ve got their back. Being safe is more important than being polite. 

3. I need every cast member to take responsibility for their own actions. I’ve gotten no indication from any of you that you understand the ways in which the in-show things I brought up were harmful.

Acknowledging that harm is important not just because of the immediate effects of that content, but also because it implicitly sets an example for how similar complaints should be dealt with going forward.

When someone says “hey, I was uncomfortable that you seem fine with the Glennary ship, because she reads as very young to me,” I don’t need a dissertation on how the perception of characters can evolve due to your improvisational nature

I need to hear “oh, I interpreted her differently, but you’re right, we should have been more clear, and I’m sorry for making you uncomfortable.” Because your responses to your own mistakes set the tone for any other situations like that going forward.

How comfortable is someone going to be with coming to you, or Ash, or any of the mods about someone making them uncomfortable if they’ve seen that when people call YOU out, they’re argued with and shut down?

Don’t tell people you’ve “made it clear that you won’t go there” when they tell you that you ARE there. Listen to them and do better. 

Set the expectation that people will be respected when they raise their concerns. “If you want to come at me you have to bring the heat” is not an appropriate response on a subject that made people genuinely uncomfortable. 

In essence: set people up to be supported and protected, not dismissed. 

[It’s like a matriosche of tweets over here. This one links to another thread, also by crypticjoy. That thread reads:

A non-comprehensive guide to keeping discord servers safe for minors:

1. Make designated channels for nsfw/18+ discussion. Generally speaking, this is a lot more effective than banning those discussions altogether, because it’s a lot easier to say “hey, can you move this conversation?” than “hey, I need you to stop”

In fandom spaces, it’s usually a good idea to have separate channels for talking about nsfw fiction vs discussing your personal sex lives.

2. Give everyone minor/adult roles; make sure your 18+ channels are locked to people who don’t have an adult role. It’s important that there’s more of a barrier there than just checking a box.

3. NSFW channels shouldn’t necessarily be a free-for-all; be aware of people’s boundaries and respect them (for example, r*pe jokes aren’t funny or okay, even if you’re not making them around kids)

4. Explicitly state in your rules that people should feel free to come to mods if anyone is making them uncomfortable. Actually listen to people and resolve the situation if they do approach you.

5. Make it clear that creepy behavior via DMs or other means is also not tolerated--you can’t control what people do outside your server, but you can make the choice to not allow people like that in your space

6. Make sure mods are on top of things BEFORE people have to say anything; sometimes being a mod means being willing to be the “asshole” who shuts things down before they get out of hand, even if they’re not asked.

Be generally aware of signals that people are uncomfortable or that things are escalating too far, and address those situations sooner rather than later.

*It should be noted that safety involves a lot of components beyond just containing nsfw discussions; this thread just happens to be focused on that one specific element.

oh also! It's a good idea to provide resources on grooming so people know what to look out for [links to some resources; again, this’ll be in the reblog]]

So, @/dungeonsanddads, if you’re interested in anything beyond just having a flimsy excuse you can point to to cover your own ass, I’m gonna need you to try again.

Sorry I can’t be nicer about it, but I’ve given so many benefits of the doubt I could be running a successful charity, and this isn’t an issue I’m willing to drop. 

10:02 PM

Thought I was done but actually I've got a few more questions: to what extent were @/HeyBethMay, @/WillBCampos, and @/mattLarnold included in conversations about this issue/the new rules? Is this something your whole team is involved in?

Have you discussed what you're doing on a team and individual basis to keep your fan interactions safe, and are you on the same page about how much it matters? Are you holding each other accountable? Is everyone okay with where this ended up?”

[zhuhongs]

なんか私の想いが溢れ出した. i went out with some friends last night and every time i go out i always realize just how bad i am at communicating and how bad I am with people. (long meandering post under the cut. feel free to ignore its unfocused and long.. like 2k words under there)

I’ve mentioned this before but I don’t really talk much irl. I don’t talk, I can’t connect properly. Every time I’m out with people I just feel fundamentally, like… different. So a group of my irls friends plus me were going to the movie theatre and I personally really hate movie theatres. I knew we were going to one and prepared myself thinking “oh it’ll be fine bc you'll be with friends, just enjoy their company '' But god I really hate movie theaters. It’s been so long, i forgot how much I really really hated them. They’re so loud and bright. I’d much rather watch a movie at home but tbh I also just don’t like movies bc I can’t sit through them and I can’t focus and I don’t get invested easily and I need to be doing something with my hands at all times. To make matters worse, my friend's friend that I really don’t like came along. I just, I don’t like her. She’s just too loud and attention seeking and childish. Like she says things for a reaction, like rlly not okay things sometimes and I just can’t stand her. like we went to see godzilla vs king kong and then entire movie she kept YELLING "IF THEY DONT KISS I WANT MY MONEY BACK" and i was like... you are 21 yrs old oh my god.. this isnt ur tumblr blog in middle school. shut up. But here’s the thing, I don’t know how to tell her or anyone that. Like I just can’t figure out a good way to say it, so I put up with it. Things like this just make me feel incredibly annoyed. I always talk on here about how if I have an issue with anyone, I’ll just say it like an adult. But in face to face situations I just don’t know how to say things. Well I do know how to say it - it’d be easy.  I just hate having to do it. Like I don't have to say the whole thing about how I don’t like her but when she says like “simp” when she’s nonblack I could just be like. “Hey don’t say that, here’s why” and I’m sure she’d stop. Yet I can’t bring myself to have that one moment of discomfort to tell her to stop yelling in my ear or stop saying things that make me annoyed. I feel useless in a way. ちゃんとできない。 ちゃんと伝えない。During the entire movie I was thinking to myself that I’d rather be home watching a drama by myself and doing hw. I also hate going out for other reasons. I hate being seen. I hate my appearance. I know I don’t have to be pretty, I only need to exist for me. Like wow, I just have so many body image issues, and they all manifest heavily as soon as I go out in public. 

But afterwards I changed my mind a bit. There was a moment where we were outside running around in the street and it reminded me of that one scene in AIB episode one with Chota, Karube, and Arisu in the street and I was rlly like… wow… maybe human connection really is good. It doesn’t matter if I’m pretty or good at talking, sometimes, to laugh and be silly wth others is all you need to make your night. Just one moment, just one person really is all it takes. We all went out for dinner afterwards and it was really really fun. I enjoyed it, there really is something about eating with someone that brings you closer to them.  

The entire time though, I didn’t talk much. I don’t really know when to cut in in a conversation to a point where it feels right. I feel like by saying my piece I’m interrupting others just to say something that wasn’t really of any use. Really, I prefer silence with others. I’m bad at talking in social situations but I’m great at talking in classes and at work because of the context. Because I’m expected to engage there. The pretense is different. Like you’re supposed to contribute in those places. It’s acceptable to talk there. But for me, it doesn’t really feel acceptable to just share about myself like that in a social group setting. I wish I could always communicate like how I am doing here. It’s so much nicer online. I get to post my full complete thoughts without bothering any of you. My words can easily be disregarded and just flipped through. It’s passive. Posting is passive, talking is active. And sometimes, people don't really want to talk to others, they just want to say their piece. Like when talking about their problems, often we just want to say it and the act of saying those words is all we need. We don’t want input, it annoys us. I don’t like to cut in, and I can never find the right words to say. Even right now, none of this feels like it’s coming out correctly. None of my words feel like they’re coming out correctly nowadays, but this is the only way I know how to be. If I can’t post my thoughts on here, even if they come out crooked and ugly, I may never speak again. I have to keep talking, and typing, and trying otherwise I’ll never get any better. And I know it’s okay to do things wrong, but still, I can’t let myself do that. Again, I do fine when I’m at work and school. I’m functional, normal, you would never be able to tell how much is going on in my head. But in private, I may never speak again if I wasn’t spoken to. 

When I was younger, around 12 or 13, I remember something a friend posted on my first online community. They posted, quite honestly, that they never wanted to meet anyone on there irl. No matter how close we are, it would never be the same IRL. I didn’t get that sentiment at the time. To me, why wouldn’t you want to see your friends everyday in person? That would be great. But I think I get it now. I’m afraid that if I ever met any of you someday it wouldn’t be the same. I’m not really the same in person. I’m bad at talking, bad at connecting. I’m not a proper person. But I feel like that’s okay. It’s okay to just exist on here as I am. While my friend was talking to me on our drive back to her place (we carpooled) she was telling me about her life. And she was apologizing like “oh I’m sorry I keep talking about myself” but quite honestly I was glad to just be able to listen. At some point my friend kept asking me what was up so I decided maybe I’ll tell them the arcane secrets of how I’ve been into guardian and how all the characters rlly hit for me for personal reasons. That was really the only thing I thought that was of note to tell her about. Really I don’t think I’ve done or felt much new since I last talked to her. But as I was trying to explain I just wasn’t doing it right. She just didn’t get it and trying to talk about something like that just made me embarrassed to the point where I just dropped it and tried to just say, “oh yea, you got it, that’s it.” and move along bc I didn’t think she’d get it. She’s the type that doesn’t really get how you can make meaningful connections online. So whenever I try to talk to her about certain things, it just doesn’t register. I’ve learned to choose my battles. I didn’t really think she wanted to get it. So I didn’t tell her. I tried telling her about stuff I liked in the past and I just always stop halfway through. I can’t communicate properly. I can’t speak in a way that I think is worthy of being heard. So I don’t talk. It frustrates me to no end. It feels like everyone else can do it so easily, that I’m the wrong one. 

I had another friend from Uni message me about something and she was like “so what’s new with you, twin” (we have similar bdays and get along well so we call each other that) and tbh I just, didn’t know what to tell her. I had talked to her in a long time, so things had happened but nothing so easily said that I could just tell her over text. SO I just was like “work, school, yk how it is” and yea. I really am the one choosing not to let people in. It frustrates me to no end but I don’t know what a good starting point is ever. I feel like I should just send all my IRLS my long reflection essays next time they wanna know what's up. All the secrets to why I am the way I am are in there.

I’m scared of telling people how I feel about anything. IRL when I say something I often speak quietly, moreso like I’m only talking to myself. People often don’t hear what I had to say. And I don’t repeat myself. If it was something someone didn’t hear, in my head, that means that it wasn’t important enough to repeat. I’m afraid of talking and being misunderstood and never being able to be interpreted the way I mean. I want to convey all my thoughts correctly the first time. So i don’t repeat myself, not bc I’m mad at the person who didn’t hear me. It’s not about them, it’s about me. I don’t believe my words to be worth repeating. I don’t want anyone to stop the conversation for me. Just keep going, it won’t come out the right way anyways. I was taking a uquiz a week or so ago and one question was “what power do you want” and one option was smth like the power of comprehension. Which would make it so every time you spoke, that person would understand you the way you intended. That is the most ideal power for me to ever possess like it was unreal. I’m still thinking about that quiz. It was good.

I know that I’m worth being listened to and that my words are valuable enough to be heard but I don’t want to do that. I’d rather listen. I only like talking when it’s safe like it is here. I’m trying my best to get better though. I keep saying that I want to be a proper adult. I want to live right and without regrets and i really think communication is key to that. I’m trying. It’s hard but I’m trying. But still, I can only talk here a lot.  I can’t talk any other way. I don’t tell my friends about my interests, it embarasses me to no end. 

Being on here is comforting though. When I talk about stuff like this, I always see a lot more people than usual like my post. I feel like you can all relate. Really, people are more similar than not. We all have very similar burdens and pains and baggage. It’s comforting, I'm not alone. My words might be able to help someone. Because when all of you talk about the same things, i also feel seen and comforted and since we are so similar, then the same is true for the things I say.

But anyways, I did a lot of listening tonight, and it reflects the sentiment above. People are the same. I was listening to my friend’s friend talking about her mom earlier and the entire time, I really resonated with what she was saying. I got it. Her mom’s situation was really similar to my own mom’s situation in the past. And I was just amazed at how I barely knew this girl but I felt really similar to her. I saw her differently after learning all that. It was really a great thing. ANd on the way home, my friend was telling me about her life recently and some things andi really understand what she was going through. I didn’t say anything, because again, I don't like to interrupt. And when I try and be like ‘oh me too, it's the same for me too” I feel like I’m derailing. I know I’m not but I really think she needed to say her piece. So I let her. But the entire time, I thought about the things in my life that were the same as what she was feeling and it was beautiful. Life and human bonds are beautiful. Even when they are hard and messy and annoying, people all want the same things. They want to be loved and seen and understood. And in those moments when we feel seen, it’s worth more than any of those complicated feelings that come along with it. Not to be cheesy but wow… in order to reap the rewards of being loved, you really do need to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known. I was glad I didn’t stay home watching a drama. I was glad that I went out. No matter how alienated I feel from others, there’s still merit in being around other people. No matter how much others may misunderstand you and annoy you, they are almost always worth more than being alone. That;s because deep down, we’re all the same.

I’m not good at reminding myself that. As I said here, I don’t let people see me. I don’t let people in, I’d rather keep them out. I’m a picky, boring person. I don’t like people easily and I don’t tell them much. I stay inside my own head and I don’t like to come out. I was raised that way. But people are worth it. Communication is worth it, no matter how hard. It’s all worth it. I need to try harder so I can be a person who is able to see and enjoy more beauty in this world. I spent my hr long drive home listening to music and ruminating on these thoughts, trying to plan out all the words I wanted to say here. I don’t think I said any of it right. I’m not satisfied with how I write nowadays. But writing, talking, conveying emotions, all of these things are worth doing. So no matter how crooked and awkward it comes out, I will keep doing it. It is my goal. 

[lynndoublelegacy]

just a cool dnd meme i saw

Yook so it’s less a meme and more like. a big ol questionare but hey, might as well do it. originally saw it on @/probablyottrpgideas, go check them out

1. Game Master, Player, or both? Why?

Ok so technically I’ve DMed twice but I really don’t find it fun? and don’t ever want to do it again. so. Player. I like building characters and their connections with fellow PCs more than building worlds

2. When did you start roleplaying? How old were you?

oh god, if we’re talking about roleplaying in general? I’ve been doing it basically as long as I can remember. As a kid I would play House, and then once I got older in like 5th grade I actually started making characters and playing out their stories with friends. Google+ is what made me realize this was actually like, a THING, though, and I got into some roleplaying groups there, then on DevaintArt. Dungeons and Dragons is a newer development? I got into it in late 2018 when my sister’s friend invited us to a one-shot, and... well, yea, I got hooked lol

3. What was the first roleplaying book you ever owned?

dude, bold of you to assume I really own any. I don’t have that kind of money and literally only own the Guide to Wildemount, and that was a gift

4. Describe the first game you ever ran or played in.

I mean... it’s not a game but ima describe the one shot, bc my first campaign was a hot mess without a true storyline and I used the same character for it anyway. I played a tiefling bard called Aisling Kai (I didn’t know this was a cliche combo at this point, and I honestly played her like a rogue with a music motif but Whatever) and we were a little group tasked to figure out why the hell anyone who goes into this cave never comes out. So we go in, make our way through the dungeon, fight some frog people (I made one of their ears bleed just by getting a nat 20 on a performance check to play a high f# on flute, that was fun, FWEET), and turns out yep, theres a hill giant down here. We kicked his ass and collapsed the cave on top of us (dw I think we were fine but my memory is a little screwy)

5. What system did you grow up with? / 6. Which system do you play now?

i learned on and currently play dnd 5e. I don’t really know anything else, but I’m debating checking out Vampire of the Masquerade.

7. Longest campaign you’ve run or played in?

That would be my Tal’Dorei campaign group, aka The Fatefallen! Started in the Fall of 2019 and still going to this day, just played our 45th session last week. I play Ilia Liadon, the drow grave cleric, and the only member of our party who has been there for every single session since the beginning.

8. Where did you meet your current gaming group?

...well first I feel the need to mention that I have 3 different groups (2 of them are on hiatus now for pandemic related reasons but! we’re still groups). My first group (with Aisling) was formed slowly over time as friends adopted friends into the group, I think it started as a school club? but that didn’t last long. The other two started from a different school club as well, though one has since branched out into other people as well. 

9. Strategic combat or dramatic plotlines?

I am a roleplayer first and a gamer second. Give me all of the backstories and dramatic plotlines. Don’t get me wrong, I still like combat, but story takes precedent for me.

10. Favorite RPG genre?

I don’t tend to define myself by genre? But I tend to fall into more of a fantasy, at most arcanapunk style. Give me all of the magic, and magic powered tech.

11. Your first character.

I got into her a little bit earlier, but my first character was Aisling, aka Calypso Kai. She was a homebrew subclass bard with a criminal background, who honestly? should’ve been a rogue. I’ve since rebuilt her into an Assassin Rogue/College of Eloguence Bard multiclasser, but this iteration was like. Baby her, baby me new to dnd, I did not know what I was doing. She tried to be edgy, but my mom energy came through HARD and she just. Never really had a set characterization. She deserves better and I plan on playing her better sometime in the future.

12. Your favorite character.

You are making me choose between my children. BUT, if I had to pick, either Ilia Liadon, or! Ashe Wednesday, a protector aasimar drunken master monk and my profile picture. Ashe also deserved a lot better from their campaign, so I have a massive soft spot for them, they were made during a really tough time in my life (as was Ilia) and was going through an equally rough time in-game, since I made them for a Curse of Strahd campaign without understanding what I was getting into. They’re my little rebellious asshole and I love them dearly, someone get this kid therapy. Ilia, on the other hand, is just... she’s a comfort character for me at this point. mostly soft edges, such a mom- while Ashe was me yelling “come at me” at the world while crying, Ilia was just... embracing it. Making it better. basically, if they actually existed, I would die for both of them.

13. Your most ridiculous character.

I don’t usually play super ridiculous characters, but! I would say Keothi “Bookfinder” Vaimeil counts. She was basically me looking all of the goliath barbarian stereotypes in the eye, and going “nah. she’s a nerd.” She’s literally a massive puppy dog, just the sweetest big old thing, sitting in her house and reading all the books she can get her hands on in order to make up for her amnesia. Oh, and did I mention that she’s a zombie? ...yea. She’s wacky, but I love her.

14. The best in-character line you’ve ever had.

“I need sleep. I don’t even sleep and I need sleep.”

~Ilia, after a particularly tough fight and an emotionally draining day

15. Your most epic death.

Ok so... none of my characters in game have ever actually died during the storyline? Keothi obviously has in her backstory, and Ilia might have in hers as well, it was never explicitly stated, but during the game? Nope. Ashe got stupid close, but nope. Since Keothi is my only death period, and her death was pretty epic, I’m just gonna describe that. Her parents and siblings in her Goliath tribe had all fallen ill, so she decided to go searching for a possible cure, and ended up getting conned into helping this cult, since they said they would cure her family. Turns out, yea, they were lying, they just needed a goliath willing to sacrifice themselves with a cursed sword. They made the mistake of revealing this before Keothi was actually dead, so as she was dying, she brought the entire goddamn cultist temple down to the bottom of the sea and took the cultists with her. The sword was why she was undead, in the Shadowfell, and couldn’t remember anything.

16. Your most disappointing death. 

As mentioned, I’ve never died in campaign, but I feel like I have to mention this one that happened to our party in Curse of Strahd. We were in the death house, all 5 of us, still level 1, and our barbarian falls into a pit trap with spikes. None of us realize she’s actually dead, so we send out paladin down to get her... with the monk, the bard, and the warlock holding the rope. ....yea both of them died.

17. Something that shouldn’t have worked, but it did.

I’m stuck between two options for this one. First one was the time our water genasi paladin/rogue bloodbended our gnome cleric into a bridge to keep her from falling all the way down a ravine. The second time was when our party managed to defend a small seaside town from a pirate raid with just an NPC with Control Water, a ballista, ourselves, and some explosives. Neither should’ve worked, but both did. Having a triton in your party can really come in clutch in a seaside campaign.

18. Something that went hilariously awry.

I have one that’s hilarious and one that’s horrifying. Hilarious one: in my first ever campaign, someone from Aisling’s backstory popped up and our sorcerer went “that’s shady” (to be fair, he was) and then went to investigate BY HIMSELF. He obviously got kidnapped by the mafia, and then we went all stealth mission to break him out. Stealth was immediately abandoned after our other bard used a SCREAMING SWORD to break open the locks, then we proceeded to go out the way we came, setting everything on fire on the way out, and with our bard lying their way out the front door (with the rest of us in tow as “prisoners”) by pretending to be a fellow mafia member. It was great. Horrifying one: Ilia tries to Send to a member of the party who left in order to let him know that a fellow party member had died. Forgot that he left bc his mind was invaded by a previously dead, very evil old god, and ends up trapped there with him for a while. Ended up with all of our main spellcasters trapped in their own heads while the barbarian paced around worriedly and the rogue decided he was going to get smashed instead of worrying himself silly.

19. Your most memorable in-character moment.

There are a LOT in Ilia’s campaign, but! If I had to pick one, it would actually be a pretty recent one involving Ilia and our party’s wizard, Liara. They’re basically the embodiment of head vs heart? Anyway, Liara is currently suffering from something called magic corruption, though idk if suffering is the right word. Anyway! It basically resulted in her getting... possessed? by her own magic during the night during Ilia’s watch, and they had a really, really interesting conversation regarding guilt, death, and grief, and yea basically I love them. Honorable mention to our druid’s death (he’s back and better now, but that was my first long-time death in a game, we didn’t know he was coming back) and also the moment that Ilia realized that her childhood bff/crush had been revived in a new body and that this NPC was her best friend. That was a trip.

20. The coolest item you ever got and how you came to possess it.

I got this item in the revamp of my first ever campaign and nothing has topped it since which is Sad but hey. Anyway! I got this really cool, possibly cursed dagger after I threw a knife at an absolutely eldritch being and it got stuck in him as he transformed. It looked really badass, and allowed me to cast Inflict Wounds on occasion when I stabbed someone with it. So yea, we love that. Honorable mention to my paladin/bloodhunter’s Helm of the Aberrant Gladiator which allows you to basically do a bunch of fear based affects and psychic stuff.

Numbers 21 through 30 don’t apply to me but. yea. enjoy this summary of my dnd history I guess

[mnogorgannik]

2 10 n 11 :)

this is basically an essay im so sorry. watch how hard i can infodump (ill put this under a cut hopefully it works bc sometimes tumblr decimates the keep reading things if theyre in asks)

2. Who’s your favorite of the Bound? What do you think of the different ideologies they have? Which of the factions are you most aligned with?

WE ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER I AM A PETER LOVER THROUGH AND THROUGH!!!!!! oh baby i love that morally questionable architect. pretty early on in getting into pathologic (it’s coming up on a year now...) i thought about peter stamatin too hard and now i’m here. but really i find him to be such a fascinating character!

the thing about pathologic that i love is how almost every character can be as complex as you want. pathologic does an excellent job of implying a lot of character traits while only exploring some in further detail, which in some games is frustrating but patho does it so well! it consistently hints at traits and lets you fill in the details yourself. peter’s character is extremely interesting to me... and maybe a little more relatable at times than i want to admit lol.

i think i’ll talk about both stamatins though! their dynamic hurts me a lot. i’ll start with andrey bc i’ve been thinking about him lately. although i’ll bounce back and forth between both stamatins.

i’ve said this before but i’ll say it again.... andrey’s role as a protector who inadvertently hurts the people he cares about really gets to me. he is not a shield but, in his own words, a battering ram. and the problem is that battering ram has a recoil.

i have to wonder how that mentality of his came about, anyways. the implication is that it’s always just been him and peter, so did he take on that role because there wasn’t anyone else to do it?

in his efforts to protect peter from... military, i believe, he kills four people. which leads to daniil getting mistaken for andrey, which leads to daniil getting shot. and almost dying. he protects peter but to a smothering extent, peter even says he’s been suffering for ten years bc of andrey which is a LOADED line. he protects on a physical level but he kinda fucks up on the emotional.

there’s a horrible irony in peter and eva being the people he cares about the most and both attempting suicide. with eva once she’s missing he immediately goes running off trying to look for her, and . ahh i can’t remember right off hand what exactly he thought happened. but ik he was probably expecting a fight. with peter he says that after that he’ll never let peter leave his side, at least “as far as his knife can fly”... it sounds cheesy but the one thing he can’t save anyone from is themself.

and god the way andrey bases his ENTIRE sense of self worth on peter fucking hurts. they’re not peter and andrey, the architects. they’re Peter And Andrey, The Architect. (thinking about “one architect, two brothers” here.) andrey thinks he’s larger than life and all but he’s constantly living in peter’s shadow. their theatre of death positions come to mind here, with peter standing up, looking down at andrey. but andrey is on his knees in front of peter, arms limp to his sides.... separated by a wooden beam...

peter’s side of this dynamic is fascinating too. his dependency on andrey is. ow. leaving all practical matters and decision making to him... there’s this resentment (That’s Fine I’ve Been Suffering For Ten Years Because Of Him) and lack of communication that especially shows through for him.

while in p2 andrey completely crumbles if peter dies, peter doesn’t seem to care...... at all....?? which hopefully is elaborated upon in p2. he’s willing to talk to aspity about worrying if andrey is angry with him but he can’t bring it up with andrey himself. when he asks how andrey is doing he stops and says andrey is a “tough man” and can handle anything. in general, while it’s definitely there for andrey, themes of dependency are really glaringly obvious for peter.

one of my favorite peter things i’ve talked about before is still his ego!!! peter has a gigantic ego!!! he really does think that even though he’s hit the ceiling and can’t go any further he is still “a true architect” and “the rock upon which is built the stairway to tomorrow”. he has a blunt edge to him and he doesn’t ever tell you more than he thinks he needs to which i love. if he doesn’t want to tell you something he isn’t gonna do it. this is a character trait i think ppl miss which is sad because it’s so good and adds another layer of depth to him!

it really does hurt me how he’s valued for his mind alone (AHEM AHEM AHEM. GEORGIY) but it’s the thing nobody understands about him. i’m nowhere near as smart as peter lol but i do know that pain of feeling like none of your ideas can be understood because you just can’t express them the way you’d like, and then feeling like you’ll never be able to make it happen.

also, here’s a little thing  i’ve picked up on. this connection probably doesn’t exist but i’m making it because the stamatins make me lose my mind and start becoming one of those people who looks for connections in everything i guess. peter standing in the theatre of death, andrey below him. peter’s loft being at a high point in the town, the broken heart being underground. peter’s loft is also higher north on the map but the broken heart is lower south. just smth interesting

i have more thoughts on them of course! but this is all getting awfully long. i feel like i’ve only just gotten to the tip of the iceberg  even though i’ve written so much skfjskfjs this just feels quite surface level or. at least what is surface level for me who thinks about the stamatins so hard.

anyways i’ll keep my answers to the other two parts of this question quick! peter and andrey’s more creative vs practical mindsets are rly neat. especially because i would actually argue peter is a little more grounded in reality in certain aspects. not all, but certain ones...... their take on the utopian ideology is interesting. hot take: peter’s version of utopianism leans a tad towards humility. and andrey /does/ feel “straightforward utopian” but i think in certain regards? this man has a bit of a termite streak..... (hi al if you’re reading this). but i won’t get into that right now i’ve already gone on so long. saving that for later.

i think all of the factions kinda suck in their own way sometimes, honestly? although all of them are well written and have their pros and cons. were i in pathologic and i had to choose one i’d probably be a termite but everyone around me seems to think i’m a utopian. is it bc i love peter so much

10. What would you be like as a Pathologic character?

this question is a hard one! i did make a self insert once, mile-a-minute, but they’ve become their own oc by now. i think i’d be very...... very afraid...... probably isolating myself why does every pathologic character break quarantine???? also you could trade beetles with me :) thats about all i’ve got sorry this is real short

11. What is something you would change, writing-wise, about either game?

UGH i’ve been gushing about pathologic because. obviously i love this game so much. but the way it handles racism & such (in both games!) leaves much to be desired :/

i see a lot of the points it’s trying to make but i think the way they’re handled can be very messy. there are moments that work very well but. a lot that don’t. (i am aware that dybowski writes partially from his own experiences)

all too often the game “validates” the kin’s oppression and... at times paints them as oddly antagonistic? i don’t like how often as artemy you’re able to be like “i’m not one of those beasts” and i think there are better ways to touch on his internalized racism. in general the constant comparisons to animals is weird. you get big vlad who is obviously explicitly racist comparing them to animals, but then sometimes it’s like “ACTUALLY calling them animals is fine :)”

i think the herb brides are kind of. Hm. in their portrayal. also using parts of the buryat alphabet to denote an accent is weird. making odongh and herb brides inhuman is weird. connecting the kin to Magic is weird.

and, listen, i’d really like to not be playing Artemy Burakh Experiences a Microaggression Simulator every time i’m playing the haruspex route. hate that you either can’t call ppl out on their shit or if you can it ends the conversation/bars you from getting necessary information. glad you at least get to drag the vlads, i guess?

i also was talking about this but wrt peter specifically, and this issue is present throughout the game but it’s especially visible with peter, i don’t like how often you can mock him for his addiction.

he’s obviously in an extremely rough patch! being able to be just so plain cruel to him about the dependency on alcohol (and iirc in p1 hallucinogens, bc aglaya mentions it) he’s formed to cope with his mental illness & trauma just feels bad. especially because yes it is not a healthy coping mechanism at all but... it still is a coping mechanism, if that makes sense?

the way you’re able to constantly rub it in his face feels awful. peter is fully aware that it isn’t good for him and shows a desire to quit. even if he didn’t it would still be awful to say because. it’s just insensitive. like you don’t just go up to someone and keep being like HEY YOU DRINK A LOT YOU SHOULD STOP DOING THAT DO YOU KNOW WHAT WATER IS? feels really bad to keep harping on something that causes him pain and that he struggles with every single day.

however peter does have moments where he tells you Not to say that, or if you pry into why he drinks he’ll outright say he doesn’t remember you being his friend, which is better than nothing.

in p1 moreso than p2 i hate how you can be like oh he’s craaaazy he’s off his rocker he’s delusional!!!! that “why, i never... an architect of schizophrenia!” comment sticks in my mind because it’s just... so genuinely mean. especially because if i remember correctly that line is from when he’s planning on LITERALLY FUCKING BURNING HIMSELF ALIVE

i think if they were going to have all of this they should have gone more in depth on how it’s really. not good that he’s treated so poorly. and i do believe that’s what they were going for, a la the art book w/ the whole “not to be made into a drunken clown, this is a tragic character”, etc. but it just doesn’t land. i’m holding out for the bachelor and changeling routes in p2 to see if they expand upon any of it but i highly doubt i’ll be satisfied in this regard.

i stand by the One time it was really fucking funny to clown on peter being the time you can tell him little girls eat raspberries and earthworms and he just believes you

[philip-seville-archive]

Dinos at the Beach || Tap Texts

Summary: Party planning between Pip and Tad aka Pip asks Tad questions and makes 95% of the decisions 

@i-am-obnoxious

Pip Seville:

okay hi

This might seem awk but i need like a detailed breakdown of all your allergies as i put together this birthday menuuuu

like most cakes have dairy in them but is that okay? or is like milk in batter fine? like once its cooked?

Samwise Theodore Tad Fiske:

uhhh

milk is just a no go in general my dude

Pip Seville:

right and eggs too right? is it all dairy

jesus u live like the saddest life

Samwise Theodore Tad Fiske:

bro :(

Pip Seville:

I said it in solidarity!

Samwise Theodore Tad Fiske:

I dont think its

I think it's the lactod thing

Pip Seville:

oh wow there's a difference? i had no idea

oh wow i googled ur right thats insane

Samwise Theodore Tad Fiske:

yeah. Sucks :(

sometimes I still risk it all for ice cream my dude

but it sure hurts

Pip Seville:

i understand. i too would probably risk it sometimes

but this is great news! we dont have to worry about dairy free, just lactose free!

Samwise Theodore Tad Fiske:

!!!! :grinning:

Pip Seville:

any other allergies i should know about here

Samwise Theodore Tad Fiske:

uhhh dont think so

Pip Seville:

great! okay so my og question: cake vs. cupcakes

Samwise Theodore Tad Fiske:

hmmm

cake. More to eat! :laughing:

Pip Seville:

well i mean technically we can probably make twice as many cupcakes for the same amount as a cake but cakes are a classic

considering your guest list which is very long i would actually recommend cupcakes...

Samwise Theodore Tad Fiske:

ohhh

I'm confused

Pip Seville:

which part was confusing

its just that people can have like two cupcakes if we do cupcakes but if we do one cake then it might actually be less cake

per person

Samwise Theodore Tad Fiske:

just like if youre vibing with one why give me the choice my dude

Pip Seville:

i am giving you all the details! its your choice though, if you want a cake we can do a cake

Samwise Theodore Tad Fiske:

ohhhhh

Pip Seville:

and you said you wanted more cake. so despite the fact that cupcakes are little cakes, you can have more of them

sorry if this is too complicated we can totally do a big big cake

Samwise Theodore Tad Fiske:

nah it's cool bro

cupcakes n stuff

Pip Seville:

so thats a go on cupcakes

Samwise Theodore Tad Fiske:

sure thing bro

Pip Seville:

great! so what about flavor of cake and frosting?

i think chocolate has more lactose, we can still get like a lactose free chocolate option but it might not taste as good idk

Samwise Theodore Tad Fiske:

awww man 🤔

Pip Seville:

its possible! my aunt knows a lot about this stuff (she's going to make it) so if you want chocolate we can find a way to make it happen

Samwise Theodore Tad Fiske:

wait ur serious? Broooo 😃

will others think its gross?

Pip Seville:

um idk i have not tried it because we have not made it yet lol

id say doing a vanilla or something might be safer if you're concerned

Samwise Theodore Tad Fiske:

bro what if like

we did that thing where you like

test the vibe

Pip Seville:

a taste test? i mean we could

the only thing is my aunt is pretty busy soooo i would probalby have to follow her recipe and hopefully not fuck it up if we do a test batch

Samwise Theodore Tad Fiske:

ohhh

could try at my place my dude. Gilly's kinda good at this stuff

Pip Seville:

yeah okay i'll ask amy to make a recipe. so chocolate cake. do u want chocolate icing too?

Samwise Theodore Tad Fiske:

ooo

yeah dude!!!!

Pip Seville:

got it, double chocolate

ok for drinks i was thinking we could do virgin pina coladas and margs and and then a sangria, plus like, we can buy a bunch of sodas does that sound good

Samwise Theodore Tad Fiske:

oooo

does the UK have Dr. Pepper?

Pip Seville:

yes we do

Samwise Theodore Tad Fiske:

duuuude yes

Pip Seville:

okay i will write down dr pepper lolol. any other drink requests

Samwise Theodore Tad Fiske:

nah bro that's pretty good for me

Pip Seville:

great! what about snacks?

Samwise Theodore Tad Fiske:

uhhhh chips?

Pip Seville:

you mean potato chips right

of course you do

okay! i was also thinking we could do like cute little pigs in a blanket (but they'd be like pigs-in-a-towel lol, beach theme), and then fruit-kabobs for a vegetarian option

Samwise Theodore Tad Fiske:

yeah bro

not vibing with the piggies though

Pip Seville:

why not?

Samwise Theodore Tad Fiske:

dont really like the hot dogs

Pip Seville:

okay...

do you like chicken fingers?

Samwise Theodore Tad Fiske:

yo yessss

does this place do those dino ones? Those are hilarious

Pip Seville:

we could get dino ones but i was actually thinking starfish

staying on theme haha lol

Samwise Theodore Tad Fiske:

oh

Pip Seville:

Ooooor we could do 

dinos at the beach

Samwise Theodore Tad Fiske:

😂 duuuude yessss

Pip Seville:

perfect!

okay any other must-have snacks? do you like goldfish?

Samwise Theodore Tad Fiske:

who doesn't like goldfish my dude? They got milk in them tho bro

Pip Seville:

wow really

rip

Samwise Theodore Tad Fiske:

yeah  😞

Pip Seville:

oh cheese DUH

okay here was another idea i had which idk about lactose options here but i mean they HAVE to make lactose free marshmallows and stuff right bc like

bonfires are very popular

i was thinking we could build one in your garden if your parents are okay with it

toward the end, you know? people can sit around and talk, roast marshmallows

Samwise Theodore Tad Fiske:

ooo. Well you know we could do the regular mallows bro. I don't have to eat that stuff

Pip Seville:

are you sure? i mean i can get some

Samwise Theodore Tad Fiske:

there are other kinds?

Pip Seville:

i dunno? i was just saying if there is a lactose free marshmallow, i can get you a bag and then we can get regular marshmallows for everyone else

Samwise Theodore Tad Fiske:

if they exist my dude then yeah!

Pip Seville:

okay! do you think your parents will be ok with a bonfire?

Samwise Theodore Tad Fiske:

hang on I'll go ask

[5 minutes later] yoooo we're good

Pip Seville:

brilliant!

okay i will send you a list of all the items i have to purchase for this party, without cake stuff (that will be part of my present to you) so your parents can approve bc like i cannot afford all this myself lmfao

Samwise Theodore Tad Fiske:

yeah that sounds good my dude. Thanks

Pip Seville:

my pleasure  😉 if you have any ideas yourself or other requests just text me

Samwise Theodore Tad Fiske:

oh oh

so bonfires nice n all but uh I noticed it's still kinda

cold outside bro

Pip Seville:

well thats why we do the bonfire

it wont be cold around it

Samwise Theodore Tad Fiske:

yeah. Could also like vibe with some extra blankets

Pip Seville:

yes, exactly! i was thinking we could do beach chairs and stuff but people could also brnig towels and blankets to sit on

this is as close as i can do for a beach in january lmao

Samwise Theodore Tad Fiske:

duuuude youre so awesomeeee

Pip Seville:

i know 😎

Samwise Theodore Tad Fiske:

  😂 its gonna be so lit!

Pip Seville:

hopefully!

okay im sending you the playlist to approve too

and the draft of the new invite

we should probably arrange a time for the taste test sometime this weekend

Samwise Theodore Tad Fiske:

sick

u got it

Pip Seville:

i'll text u my availability i have to get my new schedule

Samwise Theodore Tad Fiske:

sweet. Just let me know bro

[riskeith]

ooo! how was playing? what do you think about the event? i’m really enjoying it actually... always nice getting new daily things to do hehe.

yeah i think everyone knows The Cover now. i still can’t believe they did that... not complaining tho... oh really? you’re absolutely right and judging by the way they’re taking the story it seems like those two will have a lot more growth to their relationship. who knows maybe we’ll even get a part where bakugou apologizes or even talks about their past etc. one can only wish. YEAH i’ve seen both the movies and i love them!! they’re super fun and such a nice break from everything that happens in the anime sjskjssk kiribaku in the first one was so gay i.... we get it boys y’all in love fhjsjdjfk (THE SIDEWAYS TODOBAKU SMILE... one of my favorite moments ever) i am all caught up now.. waiting for s5... :(

no clue!! it’s just my theory so it might be wrong. the blue one was cute too so was the pink one.... they’re all cute why do we have to pick just one :( HEY you do know how to draw 😡 pretty amazingly too! but i’d love to see that in your style chongyun is so precious.. <3

omg i gotta hustle hard for AR 35 then i already miss him. i’m at 26 now and god.. it’s getting more and more difficult i can’t imagine how it is at like 45... 😭

oooooh!!! honestly barbara healing is godsent if you don’t get him you should consider it (hopefully you do though!!) IVE SEEN VIDEOS OF OCEANID AND HE LOOKS SO SCARY CLUNA.... no thoughts head empty only boy scouts party. looking at others with amazing parties: ok but do you have boy scouts party?

i mostly have sword users! but like i mentioned i’m starting to fall in love with book users (and even bow users) shskfhdkd so i might consider investing in those some day idk they just shoot of attacks and it’s so sexy. no hands dirty. ningguang seems so op 😭 plus geo is so nice!! like an all around element.

HE’S TALL? he has a short person voice...

i’m making a twitter i wanna see some fluff 😭 wait really? even this fandom is shit? why 😭 i sometimes see yt comments and the thing i’m iffy about is how people talk about spending money on it etc but is there more?

i’ve never heard anyone do that that’s so interesting!!!! do you write it down in the same doc and then delete it or do you write it separately?

ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS!!! i’ve had so many ideas come to me before bed and i always think that i’m gonna remember them but i never do it makes me so upset. especially if it’s an idea of how to continue a story i’m stuck with... god it’s the worse. writer things 🤪

“stan loona” aka bane of my existence. i don’t usually tell ppl i used to stan because of that reason sksksj. god that was the worst sheesh. anyway. yelling at ALL of these!!! ofc i know daddy issues slowed!!!!!!!!! it’s like one of the most popular slowed songs we’re all just a sad horny bunch loving sexy vibes huh. i listen to slowed songs a lot when i write actually it sets the mood. it doesn’t even have to be anything racy sometimes it’s just calms you down. do you listen to music while you write? also i don’t listen to any of those you mentioned except troye 😭 i’m sorry 😭 but if you’re have recs i’d love to hear them ofc!!

“after school” time that’s so cute. it reminds me of when you’re younger and you run back home and eat a snack and watch cartoon (i say that as both of us still watch cartoons... yee) speaking of crying; would you consider yourself a crybaby? (such a random question hskshdjdfhhd)

before i leave; let me blow your mind with a little something... https://twitter.com/primo_fates/status/1347780975078506496?s=21

hehe... mwah. ;)

it was good!! i tried to get some ominous masks and weathered arrows, but drop rates are always shit lolll. and i think the event is alright! i don’t love it but yeah as you said it’s fun to have something more to do every day.

ikr omg... it’s such a good cover LMAO. omg a bakugou apology 😩😩. what did you think of deku vs kacchan part 2?? i regularly rewatch clips of it and cry LMAOOO god bakugou.. “why did i become the reason for all might’s end?” heart broken wow. NICE!! yeah i remember everyone freaking out over the kiribaku scenes in the first one and honestly,,,, how else do you explain it LMAO. (AND THAT SIDEWAYS SMILE!!! holy shit i watched the movie like the day after i got into todobaku and that scene obliterated me.... absolutely destroyed!) aw nice! but yeah now it’s just the waiting game i guess lol welcome to the club 🤪

IKR??? i saw the “once you pick one the others are gone” and i was just nooooooooooo whyyyy. you can’t give us all these options then don’t actually give us an option 😭 AHAHA thank u but i always joke that i can only draw well like once every 10 tries so... yeahhh we shall see! i have this thing envisioned in my mind but i am unable to execute it fskhfkdsjfs

yeah omg when i reached 45 i was like “wow i’m gonna have to do the ascension quest soon” but it’s taking me so long to reach ar 46??? yikes how am i meant to get the experience with no quests fkhdsfkjsd

i use barbara a lot in the fire domains and with the pyro regisvine!! it’s kinda funny that i’m bringing a level 40 into a level 70+ fight LOL but yeah she’s good! AND YEAHHH OCEANID LEGIT GIVES ME NIGHTMARES I JUST. as soon as i had an actual team that could beat it i grinded it as much as i could before my world level went up and it became impossible again.... but since mine might go up again soon maybe i should grind some more... and maybe i’ll be able to level up both xingqiu and barbara lol. EXACTLY!! can they pls interact in game somehow omg.. we need a bennett story!! and more razor!!!! and chongyun too!! i forgot he hasn’t actually appeared in game hfsdkjfds. and ofc xingqiu <3

fdfjlsjfs are you gonna go from a no long range team to an only long range team ahahah. and you like geo??? omg no... i hate it bc it’s so like. inert FHKDJFSD. but i guess the shields are really nice!

HE’S 172 CM!!!!! he has a baby face too so it’s pretty wild fhskdjds

ooo wdym how they talk about spending money? i don’t really look at youtube comments tbh lol. and i haven’t really seen people talk about spending money much on twitter? tho some content creators i follow open commissions for money for the gacha fhsdfksj. if you do end up joining genshintwt i hope you have fun!! 

same doc and then i delete! but sometimes if the plan is really long i’ll make a new doc so i can see both at the same time (but recently i’ve just been opening the same doc again so i can see both that way lol). do your dotpoints go into the same doc as your writing one?

LMAOOO yeah i’m always like “hnghhh okay it’s fine.. i will Remember... trust myself” and then i never do and it’s just like welp goodbye to that amazing idea. but also bc it was thought up at such a weird time maybe it isn’t actually that good after all LOL

oh nice!! yeah slowed songs are soooo good. and i usually do listen to music! it’ll depend on what i’m writing bc i like the songs to have a similar vibe, but sometimes it’s too distracting so i put on lofi or something so there are no words ahaha. oh rippp LOL! hmm well badlands by halsey was my klance/voltron album writing soundtrack for a really long time.. i wrote a few fics with that in the background i think! melanie martinez’ k-12 album has a whole free movie to go with it! if you wanna check that out. bastille’s pompeii was really popular but i also really like flaws and of the night from them.. a lot of these are older bc i don’t listen to new stuff fhsdfkjds. and hmm pentatonix (they’re an acapella group!) do a lot of covers so maybe you can find one of a song you like and check them out that way? ahah that’s a lot feel free to not listen to any!! no stress at all lmao

oh fun fact melanie has a idk what to call it character? and song called ‘crybaby’! so very coincidental you asked. but yeah i think i am? LMAOOO like if i’m alone in my room watching something and it’s sad i Will Not hesitate to cry.. like sometimes you just gotta get it out you know? and sometimes maybe it’s a little boy singing a korean cover of colours of the wind but it’s so ethereal you just burst into tears but that’s fine! FHDSKJFHDSFKJS. how about you?

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MY GOD!! i legit. my jaw is dropped. i. oh my god 😭😭😭😭😭😭 FHSJFKHSKDJF1!!!! 😭😭😭🥺🥺🥺😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 this is so atmospheric and cosy and warm 😭😭😭 i can go at peace now.. fhskfhdsjf

thank you always!! - c.r. xoxo

[ayankun]

Sooooooooooooo can we talk about SPN S6?

Ok so Eric Kripke had a five year plan, and that worked out somehow and then the show kept going.  And I’ll be honest, the whole “gotta save Sam from himself even though he’s basically fine all the time and isn’t actually a risk even though everyone keeps saying he is” storyline was dragging and I was looking forward to this arc finally wrapping up so we could discuss something else.

Be careful what you wish for, right?  I wanted serialization and when I got it, I wanted to go back to the episodic stuff.  I wanted to finish this story and start the next, but now that it’s started I ... I’m hoping the next ten seasons aren’t as awkward as this season’s been so far. :/

IDK.  S1-5 are dated in their own ways, and I was insanely curious as to how busting into the 2010s was going to affect the style of the show, especially as the decade progressed, but -- WOW I wasn’t expecting it to go full CW dreck overnight.

And it’s not just the storylines (which have been unfocused and meandering so far (I’m on ep 6)), but the whole production quality took a hit.  I can understand how changing up the chain of command at the top can trickle down, but should changing showrunners mean that you bring different cameras to different locations, and when you splice the scene together it looks like it comes from two different shows?  There seems to be more studio work, too, with crappy studio equipment, and all the evocative “Americana” backwoods of BC has been traded for and compressed into downtown Vancouver. 

What happened to the budget?  Wasn’t this show at the top of its class at the time?  Did they not trust the change over and told them to make do?  Did the whole network just downgrade overnight?  Arrow won’t be on the air for another two years, and I’m already well familiar with the overall production quality for this network from there on out.  So am I burdened with foresight?  Is SPN doomed to ride out another ten years as a vapid vehicle for ads like everything in the Flarrowverse will do?

Ok so look.  Back to storylines, and back to overall style.  I’m having a hard time describing, even to myself, what this bad taste is, because it’s the sum of its parts.  So where, specifically, are the differences?  Storylines -- no, let me correct myself, I mean to discuss structure.  S1 blew me away because the monster of the week plots were just glorified MacGuffins upon which character work could be safely installed.  And the character work was so good!  Sam and Dean, on the road!  Chasing mysteries!  Saving folks!  Having so many daddy issues!!!  Having each other’s backs until that one time where they keep never having each other’s backs until they suddenly do again?!!  Who cared about whether you can trust a crossroads demon, or who Michael was going to wear to prom??  NOT ME.  Just string enough cause and effect together to support the weight of those sad tortured repressed looks Dean can’t stop giving Sam.  Please.  That’s all I need.  Keep giving me enough narrative runway to let Sam go wild with his SAINTLIKE patience as he tries and fails and tries again to convince his stupid brother that the weight of the world can be split between two pairs of shoulders.

Where is this connection, in S6 so far?  We had a whole episode about Bobby, and I will not be shy to say I skipped through most of it.  No offense to Bobby (and none to Jensen, who evidently directed it), because obvs this story has opened up so much since S1 and the surviving supporting characters don’t mean nothing, BUT.  But.  You can’t even reward me with a little Sam and Dean bonding moment for all that?

Oh, right.  This season isn’t about Sam and Dean.  It’s about Dean.  Dean is the main character now, and heaven help me he’s been the main character since somewhere back in S5.  This is a story about Dean, the survivor, who is shackled not only with survivor’s guilt but guilt about having the thing he always wanted AS WELL AS guilt about not knowing how to do that thing right.  I’m fine with this, for the record.  I want to see Dean’s emotional trauma.  That is literally what I’m all about.  But ... where is Sam in this dilemma?  What part does he play?

I read ahead a little, and I know that some of Sam’s not-Samness is literally part of the plot, so I’m acknowledging that it’s there on purpose and not a horrible mistake.  As of this last ep, this season is clearly setting the stage for Dean vs Sam, and not in a brotherly way.  In a “if I didn’t know any better, I’d say Sam is the Big Bad of the Season and I bet the next 15 episodes will be similarly strained” way.  It’s that different kind of storyline I asked for, but didn’t want.  Dean can’t engage with Sam in the same way as before, so I can’t engage with Dean (engaging with Sam) at all.

Also, I know there’s no law that says villains have to be likable, but Samuel Campbell isn’t just unlikable, he’s un-engagingly so.  Even if there’s some kind of 11th hour twist and he’s not some kind of mega evil, they’re not shy about leading you down the road where he is that ultimate adversary to overcome.  I mean, I’m being told not to like him, and he’s honestly not characterized as someone I’d like anyway, so I just end up putting all my “meh >:/ “ feels onto not just the character but his narrative reason for existence.  I want this to be a different story (one that I like), but it’s not, and he’s in it because it’s not, therefore the story he’s in is a bad one (that I don’t like).

And I’m still not sure how to express the way the mise en scène screams “CW bitchezzzzz!!!” whereas before it just politely stated “This is Supernatural, a show from the late 2000s on network television.”  This undefinable shift in cinematic tone really rubs me the wrong way and I can’t even discern what the shift is!!!!!!!!!

Also the poor hapless nobodies in the monster of the week episodes seemed to be framed differently.  More intimately?  Like they were real people having a bad day.  So far S6 nobodies really feel like nobodies.  ALSO, TANGENT, there was a particular fine line to the comedy in S1-5 which has become just ... simultaneously garish but also flat in S6 so far.  Compare Pestilence wiping exorcist goop off his face with a subtly outlandish sound effect to, idk, Jared and Jensen lifelessly needling Twilight.

ok so that takes me to my last thought.  We spend five seasons wondering and worrying and panicking about what some demon blood is going to do to Sam, but now in S6 Dean can just be a vampire for like, half an episode and that’s fine.  There’s no gravitas.  No weight.  No stakes (sorry, that’s a pun we’ll just have to live with).  And no payoff!  Sam’s POV is not on the table anymore, for narrative reasons.  He’s not allowed to open himself up for the audience to get a crack at what’s going on in that big ol’ noggin.  So we’re stuck on the outside, with Dean, alone, and that’s the opposite of what I ever wanted to see.

(sorry this literally only just hit me as I was going to post -- where is the rock?  Better question: where is the foundation this show spent five years laying?)

[vrainsrewatch]

episode 9 thoughts

revolver vs playmaker round 1 hype! i somehow took another 19 screenshots this episode, even though it was mostly dueling. i guess these are just getting longer as the plot picks up, lol. 

so first off:

this line, plus the little montage that follows it, i love. i love how they demonstrate what is going on in his head without telling us straight up yet. i love the air of mystery vrains managed to keep for it’s first season. we didn’t learn about our protag’s backstory until episode 20 or so. that’s so cool! 

but yeah, yeah, mr. emissary of revenge.

i’ll talk a bit more about yusaku later. this is our first full episode with revolver, so he’ll be what i talk a lot about for this one. first off,

this line makes me laugh so much now that i know what’s to come. yeah, you didn’t care who he was at first, but later on you care so much that you risk eeeeeeeverything because of it, you absolute fool. i love you.

he also brings up the ignis, to yusaku’s surprise.

more so he acquired it and gave up trying to figure out what it is. again, i love the mystery here. how this line gets you questioning what is it? what do you know? and for me, originally, it also had me wondering are you really the bad guy here? 

i love that shit. arc v has some amazing foreshadowing, but i feel like nobody really talks about how vrains actually had some and some really cool set ups, too. i don’t think it tops a5′s, no matter how... ridiculous, we’ll say, it got at the end, but this sets up the 43 reveal really nicely, because he doesn’t really explain anything else other than ignis bad here lol.

this also sets up revolver as a character pretty well, and also i did kind of laugh bc it sets up the rest of vrains, as well. everything in this show is so high stakes lol. a lot of people complained that it made some of the death scenes feel cheap, because every fuckin duel was life or death, and while i agree to an extent, it also is kinda cool when you think about how yusaku’s perspective on dueling was only challenged once, and that happened in the first 10 episodes lmao. dueling really is life or death in vrains, and i like that it doesn’t try and prove yusaku wrong for the most part on that.

moving onto everyone’s favorite meme speech:

i know people meme this to death, but i think it’s a good look at who revolver is, and sparks the beginnings of why part of the fandom thinks him an anti hero. because what he’s saying isn’t... it isn’t an evil thing to say, he’s even saying he wants people to wake up so they don’t destroy themselves and the world they’ve built, but i digress on the anti hero thing.

for another thing, though, we don’t really know right now that AI can have free will. i talked about it in my episode 1 thoughts, but vrains is a series that asks a lot of questions regarding free will, and what it means to be a human -- or to be real. revolver talks about breathing and having a heartbeat, but does that mean you don’t have emotions? your own thoughts and feelings? does that mean you can’t connect to others? revolver thinks yes, because he’s been conditioned to think of the ignis as evil and world destroying. had ai not gone off the deep end after s2, i think he would’ve come to accept that free will means that you can choose for yourself whether you’re good or bad, or whether you want to do good or bad things.

the other thing that’s interesting here is him referencing fake bonds. i think he’s talking about the KOH lackeys that they utilize throughout this season. they don’t really understand, they don’t believe in his cause, they just think he’s cool or they’re doing something cool or whatever. it’s a fairly thoughtless existence, and revolver recognizes it for what it is.

it also calls to question his relationship with his father -- the internet world is fiction. yes, the KOH were able to recreate his father’s brain into LV. but he’s essentially a dead man in the real world. he obviously understands this well, considering he’s the one that takes care of his father irl. i wonder if he holds some resentment, since it really seemed like he didn’t get to spend much time with his father until he was recreated in LV.

also, he apologizes here. you could not think much of it, but because i’m me, and clearly i like thinking way too much about everyone in this show, i’m going to do just that.

this is a stark contrast from the finale of s2, where revolver has completely lost himself and doesn’t care about anything else but fulfilling his father’s wish. it’s also a stark contrast to how he thinks of playmaker after he says his three things speech and revolver starts putting the pieces together on his identity. 

he’s enjoying himself a little here,

but ultimately, he doesn’t care who he’s dueling. he himself doesn’t ever go after anyone he deems unnecessary -- hence the amount of lackeys. watching him lose himself this season all over again is going to be fun, lmao.

anyways, though,

honestly, much as i loved s3, i missed ai’s little quips like this lol. vrains has such a serious tone to it, which i love, but i also love these quick little moments of fun.

as a filthy shipper, i could go on and on about this, but i won’t. all i’ll say is i love how they are two sides of the same coin, and i love how vrains paints that picture here for us.

all we really know about yusaku so far is 

1) he’s awful with people/doesn’t care about making friends 2) he’s got a strong, but self centered, sense of justice and 3) he will fulfill his mission at all costs

the reason all the revolver vs playmaker duels were so enjoyable for me, at least, was because of how determined they both were. i love a5, it was my second fave series for a long time, but reiji vs yuya never felt like this. i haven’t watched zexal yet (i know, shame me), but in 5ds, jack vs yusei had a bit of this, but they were friends at their core. best friends. and gx was a mess with the rivalries, lol, so we won’t go there. anyways, my point here is that i really, really missed that. these two felt like actual rivals.

anyways, though, then we get this:

to which ai asks how long have you been able to do this? and after a quick shot of yusaku during the lost incident, he says:

this is the biggest thing i wish they hadn’t dropped or just starting ignoring for the most part in vrains. was this why yusaku was the sixth child??? i know takeru doesn’t really have this, or at least not that i remember, but do any of the other children? spectre could sense when earth was erased -- is that because earth was born from him, or is it because of link sense to some degree? or is the LI why yusaku developed link sense? if that’s the case, what made him different? ryoken’s interference?

and speaking of ryoken when it comes to link sense,

is that where his ability to control datastorms comes from??? i know he does one single thing with the storms in s2, but is that like, it? do we ever get to hear about why he can do this? i don’t remember oof. you’d think for how much i write about him, i would know this off hand lol. but seriously, i wonder if his influence in the LI caused yusaku to gain his link sense, and if it somehow effected him, too. that would’ve been so cool to see as a mini arc, or plot point, in s2, but kmoney had to shill a certain deck LOL (i kid i love takeru a lot)

moving on again, though,

if this was how this card worked in the TCG i’d actually still have it in my rokket deck, probs LOL

i love how vrains uses the link summoning chants as a way to get into character’s heads. not as hype as other summoning chants from other series or even vrains, but i really like them.

this is obviously a reference to stardust road. it’s subtle, but it’s there, and that’s so nifty. i didn’t even realize until i was rewatching this episode today that it was a reference to stardust road, or could at least be taken that way.

also,

this. this is so funny to me. ai is so offended that revolver somehow ripped this program. also, does this imply that windy, too, ripped ai’s program? or that he gave it to windy, back before he went all corrupt-y?

then there’s more duel stuff, but this is getting really long again, so i’ll stop myself there lol. i’ll probably watch another episode or two later since it looks my tentative plans have been cancelled lol. that’s fine by me tho, i’m sleepy, and there’s nothing more relaxing then getting to watch my favorite show~

[flowerslut]

1/2: hiii, i was wondering if you have the time (and/or patience), could you please explain further about vampire age vs. human age when turned and how that effects how they act and what teenage tendencies the vampires will be prone to? like i get the whole child development frozen. can't be taught. but for like the cullens physical age (17-20s?) you're telling me their 50+ years won't affect them at all? like they won't mature mentally at all? learn? does this make sense? it confuses me too tbh

I always have time to procrastinate my real life responsibilities to talk about twilight are you joking

this is going to be long. so uh, apologies, I guess.

I'm no neuroscientist or anything (fucking duh) and I feel like smeyer makes all of her science-esque explanations vague enough to be left up to some sort of interpretation, but with my understanding it all has to do with what the brain can actually do. so, again, while I’m not a neuroscientist, I am a teacher. I did study child development pretty thoroughly back in school and I work with kids that range from infants to 12 year olds. so I’m going to start with an example on child vampires before I answer your question about teen vamps.

here’s the way I see it:

say you’ve got a two year old. alriiiight, lets make that baby a vampire! now, two year olds are basically large babies who are just beginning to function as people. words are there because vocabularies are being built. fine and gross motor skills are lacking but still being actively improved upon. their understanding of the world as a whole is also pretty basic because they can’t grasp larger concepts. sitting down a vampire toddler—even one who has been a vampire for 5 or 10 years—and saying “hey. you’re illegal. which means we have to keep this on the down-low, meaning you have to like, listen, or both you and I are going to to be straight-up murdered by our immortal lawmakers.” isn’t going to get you any results. your little abomination is just going to ignore you after the first 6 words and start to wonder why you’re making such a funny face.

in the words of Piaget, children aren’t “little adults” and literally cannot function as such because their young brains prevent that. they just don’t have the tools. 

I know smeyer took all sorts of “it’s supernatural!!” liberties with Advanced-Functioning-and-Brain-Development Renesmee but the way I make her existence work in my head canons is by headcanoning the opposite with her: I want to see the vampire side of her show in more realistic (and less idealistic) ways. where her parents are frozen vampires, I want to see her slowly developing, as opposed to the weird hyper-developing thing smeyer had going in order to age her faster to get her with Jacob quicker, but uh *coughs* we won’t go into that nasty fact. I want to see a Renesmee at her 2 year old birthday party and she’s still the size of a 6 month old. (Emmett blows a noisemaker too close to her head and she bursts in to tears; he’s subsequently banned from the cottage for a month but it’s not like he misses out on anything. Next time he’s over Renesmee has barely grown anyways.)

so while we have Renesmee’s frankly disturbing case, let’s go back to the actual topic:

the thing is, vampire children’s brains aren’t developing. they’re learning, as all children do, but what makes (human) kids wild from a general standpoint is how fast they do it. but again, with the rate at which their brains develop and their bodies grow, of course they’d pick up things so quickly. they sort of have to in order to help them navigate this world around them in which most pieces of information they’re introduced to are 100% new concepts to them.

now, the real question: can vampire children learn. yeah, to an extent, they probably can. but they’re not learning the way you and I do, or the way a normal kid might. let’s go back to our hypothetical two year old baby vamp for a second. so this kid is frozen in time, right? so that means that while they might practice or perfect skills that are usually developed as they grow, they won’t be able to build off of those learned skills and advance them into something more or something better.

for example, a two year old who has learned to catch and throw a ball with someone else will eventually learn how to throw and catch the ball by themselves because their motor skills and hand-eye coordination will improve as they develop.

not with our vampire baby, though. imagine anything you can teach a two-year old with one full day of practice: catching a ball. hopping with two feet instead of just one. putting on a hat by themselves. now, imagine anything you can teach a five-year old in the same period of time. how to tie a knot. how to do a cartwheel. how to recognize specific words. so, with a two-year old vamp who is technically 5 years old, they wouldn’t be able to further their skills like a human 5 year old because they don’t have the tools to build their skills. so while you may have a 2 year old who can catch a ball from a literal half-mile away, they aren’t going to figure out how to tie their shoes even if you worked on it for 6 months. it aint going to work. they’re going to be figuratively left in the dust developmentally and they’re going to stay that way because, you know, the unchanging nature of the vampire deems it so........

now with our poor, unfortunate immortal teenagers. oof. I really feel for them. I mean, as a grown woman I think back to seventeen year old me and cringe sometimes. all people do, but then I imagine if her development had been stunted and she’d been trapped in that body and mindset for an eternity. it really gives a gal some fucking goosebumps, that’s for sure.

I know everyone likes to joke about how Esme is the only person with braincells in the family because she’s the only one with a fully developed pre-frontal cortex, but when you think about the fact that developmentally she really is the only one who should be calling any shots for that family it makes you wonder why smeyer didn’t make the Cullens a matriarchal family (I mean, we know why, but I digress...)

since the Cullens are written by an adult (and Bella, too, for that matter) that’s why when we read the books when we were younger we all most likely thought “oh! they’re all so level-headed and mature!” and they are a little bit. but that’s because they’re written like that. if the Cullens were as developmentally stunted as smeyer claims they are then they’d be every bit as chaotic as the fandom likes to head canon them as. poor impulse control. bad decisions nearly every step of the way. and sure, they’d learn from mistakes. but when faced with a split-second to make a decision it doesn’t matter if you have 50 years of lived experience behind you. that 17-year old brain in that head of yours is going to act and react. ain’t nothing you can do to stop it.

that’s why Edward being like “alright. fuck it. I'm killing myself” in new moon makes sense to me. and it’s why Rosalie being angry and jaded for nearly the entirety of the series makes sense to me. combine their ages and their last human moments and look back on where there development was stunted: a lot of the shit that people complain about their characters will feel like it makes a shitload of sense. it doesn’t matter if they’ve been ‘alive’ for 100 years.

(this whole thing is also why I made Esme the head of ‘the family’ in CotN, for all intents in purposes. bc of fucking course she would be.)

but think about how frustrating it would be, even with the super-vampire-memory, to look back at every single time you gave into the same impulses. sure, you’ll tell yourself you’ll do better next time. and maybe you will. but the brain calls the shots y'all. and while you might think you’re fully in charge of what it has to do or say, you really are only a passenger in this thing. along for the ride.

to finally answer your question: I think, yes. you are going to have teenage vampires who give off an air of maturity to them because of all of their lived experiences. but I still believe having even a 23 year old in charge (because now I look back on 23 and I’m like, hm, yeah. still a baby.) of a coven of vampires is fucking foolish as shit. but I mean, if Carlisle were as ‘smart’ as his medical degrees say he is, with him at the helm of the family the Cullens wouldn’t get into half the shenanigans they do. that pre-frontal cortex development is vital in making sure someone doesn’t give into impulse, can make thoroughly thought-out decisions, and has proper judgement in a variety of ways. without that, it’s a recipe for disaster (i.e. see: the entirety of The Twilight Saga.)

[dragonlands]

Friendship vs queerbaiting

"Can we stop shipping all (m/m) friendships as romance?"

First of all, no. Why should we? Shipping is supposed to be fun, and we can ship whatever we want as long as the characters are fictional. With real people it's a little trickier but this is not about real people shipping so I'll leave it at that. People don't usually choose a ship, shipping happens a little like falling in love: we find ourselves attracted to the dynamic of certain characters and the ship just kind of happens.

Shipping is not activism, like people often remind here. We fans don't need to ship the ship with the most under represented dynamic, we should ship the ship that makes us happy. It's not homophobic if you don't ship the popular gay ship. Its not racist if you ship the main character with the white person instead of poc bc you feel like these two have a better dynamic. And so on. But I need to add here that if a queer/interracial couple is canon but you ship them in a straight/white relationship with someone else it's a little... questionable at least. It depends the dynamic and the history of these characters and so on, but I'm just saying that there are exceptions to the rule I just presented.

So, if you feel like friendships between two men are under represented you have no right to tell people they shouldn't ship it because you prefer their dynamic as something else than romantic. And also: where did the idea come that they are under represented? The sole reason why so many non canon ships are m/m friendships is because THEY ARE EVERYWHERE. Plus, all kinds of friendships are shipped, f/f and f/m too but they're much rarer in mainstream fiction which is why they are also less popular in fandom. If you think "Fandom only ships canonically straight white men", look at Clexa for example. They only had one season together, and it got to the top of tumblr's most shipped list immediately. Stormpilot is very popular and it's interracial while neither is white. Don't blame the fandom for something the creators are responsible for.

The idea that we shouldn't ship friendships tells something about how our society portrays romance - an instant connection, physical attraction, something that consumes your soul after the first glance and makes you leave everything, even your friends and family behind. As if you were ready to die for them after one conversation, one night together, sometimes even just one look. This doesn't sound healthy or even normal to me.

Romance and friendship are not mutually exclusive. Healthy romances are often build on friendship, and even if infatuation comes first and dating second, any couple who has been married for years will tell you that the secret to a happy marriage is being good friends too. Best friends, actually, since they have to spend most time together. Of course I'm not saying we shouldn't ship different kinds of dynamics, I enjoy love/hate relationships as much as the next person, but popular ships that are accused of queerbaiting are usually canonically close friendships.

Drawing a line between close friendship and queerbaiting can be tricky, I admit. Sometimes even if I do think something is queerbaiting I understand the opposite opinion, sometimes not. Often, the opposite argument is something like this: "Yes, they clearly do love each other very deeply, deeper than most friends, but that's because they're like brothers/siblings." And I'm like... no. I know brotherly love is a saying but it isn't really... a thing. For people who aren't actually brothers. Because there are two things that make people siblings: 1) Biology, as in they are genetically siblings. 2) They have been brought up as siblings, they have the same parents and have known each other since birth.

Often siblings are both, but there are adopted siblings, and biological siblings who haven't met each other before adulthood. So if you can't check either of these for your ship, it's not incestuous. No matter how brotherly you think their love is. Because yes, people can form strong bonds to people outside family, but even childhood friends don't have the experience that siblings have. They don't have the same parents and the same happy family memories or shared trauma. They've never had the kind of authority that a parent is, who is close for both and able to decide who's right about the fight and who gets a punishment, who gets the bigger cake slide etc. And when you're biologically related the biology actually affects your relationship: it's just part of surviving the natural selection that we protect those who are genetically like us. Also there's a natural repulsiveness towards our relatives which prevents us from getting mutant babies. These things obviously apply to adoptive siblings too, but not to "bros".

So if someone says that these two characters have a deep connection but it's brotherly, sure, they can think that, but they have no way of getting actual evidence for their claim. Whereas if I think some characters are in love I can present evidence. I obviously can't prove it unless it becomes canon, but I can make it pretty clear why I think so.

Now, I'm all for having male characters be close friends without it making them gay. We need to show that men should be able to talk about their emotions with each other, just like female friends do. It's proven by many studies that straigh men are likely to have their girlfriend/wife as their only emotional support, and that needs to change. Male friend supporting the other when he talks about his crush on a girl: hell yeah. Male friend supporting the other when their parent dies: hell yeah. Male friends talking about games and selfcare and literature and their interests just like female friends do: HELL YEAH! I would like to see male friendships where they need each other because they have shared interests and memories and because they can be open with each other. Being physically comfortable with each other. All that.

But, you see, most so called friendships that are popular as ships and accused of queerbaiting, are not what I just described. These friendships are codependent. If the other died or was taken away from the other the other wouldn't just be sad for a year or so, but they would lose their grip of life and themselves. They are contradictory, and the characters are bad at describing their feelings for each other, unaware whether the "friendship" is mutual, surprised when the other shows that they care. They are full of misunderstandings, and the narrative seems that there's something that they're going towards. Normal friendships are solid and stationary, and while they do change with time and circumstance, they're not constantly evolving as if what the people involved have right now is not what both want.

Friends have fights over petty things, and sometimes just can't be around each other. These characters usually fight - if they fight - because they leave things unsaid and the viewer is forced to think: what did they mean to say? There's tension, neither of them knows how to quite be around the other but they need them like they need air. It is sometimes even shown that even if the other is in a relationship with another person, they can't share the most important parts of their life with that person - they need their "friend" for that. As if love was just physical, no common interests or chemistry needed.

Obviously there will always be some things that can only be shared with a certain person and that person may not be your lover, but at least in my opinion it makes sense if your romantic partner is the one who gets you the most. Especially if the love is supposed to be ideal or even supported by the audience which mostly is the case in fictional romance. And if the "friends" have most in common with each other, have shared their most vulvenerable moments with each other and seem to have romantic chemistry to many of the viewers, why not make them a couple? Because they are both straight men? (Or women, but most often men since most main characters are men.)

The argument against queer ships is usually just "not everyone is gay". Yes, well, obviously not. Some people are straight, that's true. They don't feel attraction to the same sex even if their life depends of it (So I've heard. As a bisexual myself this sounds like a weird concept. Whatever.)

And the conversation continues: "I think these two men you ship together are both straight, so they can't feel attraction towards each other."

"Fine, that's your opinion. But how do you prove that?"

"He slept with a woman/flirted with a woman/ loved a woman etc."

"Bisexuality. Exists. Also, some gay people try to date the opposite sex before they admit they are gay, because society teaches that's the normal thing to do. They could be in denial, or pretend to be straight so they don't get beat up or something like that, it's often hard to be queer. But once again: BISEXUALITY EXISTS."

So, the person saying they're straight is usually just basing their thoughts on heteronormativity, thinking that they're straight until proven otherwise. Fandom, on the other hand, looks at how the character acts around different genders and bases their opinion of their sexuality on that.

Back to "Not everyone is gay". What do people even mean when they use that phase? I look at the fictional universe that I love and see zero canon queer people, or maybe two minor characters that were in one episode. The world is filled with characters, and I'm only pointing at a few of them and saying that they seem to have potential for a romance, why not? Straight people already have almost every popular character, is it really too much to ask if we could get one or two too? That's not everyone.

The fans don't want the show/book/movie to become a romance suddenly, we're in this fandom because we like the thing that makes it what it is. We're just asking to acknowledge the romance that literally is already there. WE'RE NOT ASKING FOR A SEX SCENE. We're asking for something that could make the people who watch/read the thing from their heteronormative viewpoint see that it was actually queer all along. So that they would stop ridiculing us queer people for "seeing things that aren't there." Something very small will do: Hannigram didn't even have to kiss because everything needed to make a romance were already there, they just needed one conversations to make it clear that yes, Hannibal was in love with Will and yes, Will did ache for him too. Simple. Korrasami just walked off together in the end. With both cases the fans were happy, and it proves that the idea that "fangirls just want to see two men fuck" is wrong. We just crave to be represented.

The final argument against the queer interpretation is: "Relationships are complex, and sometimes you don't fall for the person who seems to be the perfect match for you." Yes. Real life is complex. Sometimes love is just physical, often you don't fall for your friend. BUT. As a writer, you're not trying to recreate real life. You're showing things and emotions that are important to the story, so why make a multi season/movie/book arch for a relationship between two men if you're just going to pair them off for someone else?

As a person who's into writing I get really confused by these things. One of the first lessons I learned that I still hear daily is: "show, don't tell". If you've shown us the two men falling for each other, telling that one or both of them suddenly love someone else won't fix it. And if every other character in the universe seems to think these two are a couple then it's not very hard for the viewer to see that too.

I am tired of hearing about "platonic love stories". The creators have called so many popular ships that, as if it somehow excused their queerbaiting. Platonic and love story are each other's opposites, and platonic love stories don't exist - unless they're talking about the platonic concept of love: that humans had four legs, four arms and two heads but they were too powerful so the gods divided them in two, and that's why people need a soulmate. But usually they don't mean that - however, sometimes they do. Thank gods for Hugh Dancy. But when creators literally call the ship a love story between two men yet insist it's not romantic, it probably aren't the fans who are reaching. If it's a love story, let it be a love story.

[naernon]

@exventospes

aliceth’s trans??? aliceth’s my favorite of yours already (but i love them all anyways) but that makes me love him even more oh wow. that makes me so happy i cant even put it to words

but exactly hdfihfdhufddfh i just wish i could say they’re trans and be done with it. and im entirely capable of doing so, it’s just i feel like something’s holding me back; whether it be a particular part of me, other people’s intensely developed trans backstories, etc. etc.

@alifelongpassed

this is going to be significantly more ramble-y and tense than what i just said bc i typed this up when i first made this post and u responded, and i got a bit carried away gfhghfdhghghd sorry. put it under the tag for convenience.

(well, i also typed what i just said right when i got the replies, but it was after i typed that long tirade so i just. was kinda worn out and realized i might be rambling too much so i toned it down)

both of u managed to get this out of me and so i’m moderately thankful because it feels nice to talk this out.

I know what you’re saying. Like I said, no one is forcing me, but I just feel pressured to. I’m torn between two things; make him trans and be done with it. As you said; so what? Let him be free, unrestricted, as I wish to be and likely always will. Make the fictional society tolerant and accepting, make the transition and accepting process easy and simple. But sometimes that hurts. It’s something I’ll never be able to have. It’s a confidence I’ll never be able to have.

But then I see others writing their characters with struggles, with full-arcs of coming to terms with it all, and the vast majority are other trans people; and so it makes perfect sense to put intolerance in society and their character’s ways of dealing with it in order to cope with the reality of our own. And I want to, in some ways. Why not be realistic with myself? That can help. Write of him coming to terms over years with being trans. Choosing a new name for himself. Mimicking my own struggle in his story. But that hurts, too, even more so than the former, but I feel like I must. Because people can’t let trans people live. Because we need to write these things because otherwise we seem in far beyond our heads, writing of an imaginary world where we’re accepted and for once, for once in my damn life, envisioning a world where I won’t be called a goddamn mother nor woman just because I have the reproductive system that people associate with it. That’s silly, that’s ridiculous, that’s unrealistic.

Unrelated but related; some in the Warrior Cats fandom are very liberal with trans headcanons. By trans people, for trans people. Everyone’s trans. Great. You see it in every fandom. I love it; but this particular blogger who talks of it a lot is bombarded with messages. WHY does this character need to be trans. WHAT, when you look at this character, makes you think they are? Stuff like that. And you can tell the vast majority of these damn people are cis/have no grasp of how trans people experience things. It’s ridiculous.

And I don’t get it. I don’t get it. Must there be elaboration? Why can’t we just exist? And so, now I’m stuck. Because I have Estryon as trans. That should be enough. He’s trans. He’s just like me; I can move on from that fact if I wish to because he’s my character, dammit, and I can do what I damn well please.

But I feel as if I can’t. I feel like I have to give him struggles, suffering, an in-depth transition, give him what I feel, because a society in which its nonexistent is unrealistic to a lot of people. I feel like my writing is weak because of my lack of elaboration. I know I shouldn’t feel as such, it’s unreasonable, I do what I please, but I just… I do feel that way. I don’t want to make him hurt, or cry, or hate himself for the same reasons I do on the daily (yeah, he’s just a character but he’s my character and he means a lot to me) but I feel like I must and that hurts so, so bad.

And there’s also a certain amount of guilt because there’s quite a few trans people who do put detailed transition and accepting processes in their character backstories and that’s fine. That’s understandable. But it makes me feel bad. Reality makes me feel bad. I want to stay in my fantasy world with full-tolerance of trans people existing and acceptance and be done with it, and that’s fine, I feel; but I also feel as if I’m weak in writing that and not putting enough backstory or lore or realism.

Like a cop-out. A cop-out of proper representation, of good writing, of a true trans character.  I feel as if I’m not doing enough for trans people. I mean, yeah, Estryon still has dysphoria no matter what, I have that typical “chest = no touch” thing going on with him even in intimate matters, because that’s how I feel and we all know how Estryon has a lot of projection from me, but. Still. In real life, it’s often times more complex and intricate, and I don’t know if just having my characters be trans and a-ok without anything more is unrealistic, or inevitably hurts us and how cis people view us, or what. I don’t know. I just don’t know.

I’m just making this so difficult for myself. I just wanna have Estryon and do whatever I please with him (within reason) and live with it. But I don’t want to be obnoxious or somehow problematic.

I think I’m viewing this too black and white, too. I’m viewing it as if I have to go all the way, have Estryon be 100% confident and out and transitioned, OR that I have to give him so many details for “realism” to the point where it hurts me, bad. I don’t think I have to. I just need to find a balance between healthy realism/trans-development vs unrealistic trans escapism so I’m finally truly comfortable with my own damn characters but I don’t know how.

I drive myself up the wall with these little self-reflective, venting tirades because I feel like I show the thought process and self-reflection to help myself get better but I can never really do it. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just want to help myself but no matter what I do I don’t seem to get better. It’s all okay until my mood drops again or dysphoria hits and it’s like I go a hundred steps backwards.

[mermaidsirennikita]

Have you seen the movie Jackie? What did you think of it?

This is about to get REAL nerdy up in here anon.  I had such a painfully obvious boner for Kennedy!history and legends for like... my last year of high school and most of freshman year of college that my mom gifted me with a first edition copy of Profiles in Courage by (but not rlly, he was too busy politicking to write a whole book) JFK for my birthday.  And like, that wasn’t even the only Kennedy-related birthday present I got that year.

I have seen it!  I think it could have been better as a story about Jackie and a Kennedy-oriented history fan (I hate myself for identifying with that) but as a movie it is a Work, imo.  And I mean that in a good way, there were bits of the movie where I was like yeah I’m watching something really intentionally artistic here and it’s pulling it off.

The thing is that while the movie is OVERALL accurate (I’ll expand on my criticisms of accuracy later lol) the history isn’t the point, aside from when it relates directly to our perception of Jackie vs. the Real Jackie, and though obviously I don’t know the woman and I wouldn’t say this movie covers her entire personality (it spans over just a few days, it can’t) it nails certain aspects of her that we don’t discuss often, imo.

Jackie is as iconic as Marilyn Monroe, exactly because she was the antithesis, or so it seemed, of Marilyn.  Marilyn was sex; Jackie was love (romantic love, maternal love, patriotic love).  Marilyn was dirty, but in a touchable way that made you want to touch her; Jackie was clean, but in a way that made you want to put her behind a pedestal and maybe never even get to know her because that might ruin the image you have in your head.  You don’t want her to be human.  You don’t want to fuck her.  You want to love her.

The thing is that just as with Marilyn, the image was really, mostly, a lie. Jackie actually had a lot in common with Marilyn--she probably wasn’t faithful to Jack, though he started it, I’m sure.  She struggled with loving a man who could never really open himself fully to her (Marilyn chased these types like craaaazy).  Hell, they both even had fertility issues (Jackie had multiple miscarriages and actually lost a two-day-old son less than a year before Jack died).  She was saddled with legacy, and like Marilyn she really couldn’t be herself.  Even their interviews, ESPECIALLY if you listen to them (as a MASSIVE DORK I really recommend listening to those, like, 18 hours of interviews with Jackie done after Jack died, which this movie definitely pulls from).  She was never as raw, imo, as she even is to the interviewer in the movie. More vulnerable than usual, maybe, but never Raw.  Like, the movie has her saw really honest shit and it’s probably what she was thinking but then she’s like--strike that from the record.  Imo, the real Jackie slipped up and struck things from the record, but she never slipped up and was as honest with a reporter as she is in the movie.

Listen, I’ve got issues with Natalie Portman, but she NAILS those aspects of Jackie Kennedy that the movie is interested in, and I don’t like her as a person but she was robbed of a second oscar tbh.  She wiped the floor with Emma Stone.  There is more nuance to a single scene of her in this movie (the one where she’s sort of drunkenly dancing about the white house, as one example) than Emma conveys in all of La La Land, case closed.

The Jackie in this movie is an inner part of Jackie that I am certain existed.  She’s constructing a legacy for Jack as soon as he dies, because he never got a chance to make that legacy for herself.  She understand the myth of this family, of her, and she’s making sure that the myth lives on because that’s all they’ll have.  He’ll never get to his second term, which some historians opine would have been much more groundbreaking than the first, as is often the case (first term presidents don’t want to offend because they’re thinking about reelection; second term presidents can lay it all out on the table).  She’s been indoctrinated into this myth of this family (and the movie never covers this, but she was apparently Joseph Kennedy Senior’s favorite daughter-in-law, and maybe he was just being a creep and thought she was hot but I think he recognized in her a similar ability to go along and play for the cameras that his wife possessed, except better--she elevated the family, the Bouvier blood was much bluer than that of the Kennedys at that time) but she’s also making it what she wants it to be, because this is her greatest act as First Lady.  As much as Jack and Joe Sr. and Bobby and Ted adored Jackie, she didn’t get along with the women of the family because I think tbh there was some intimidation going on within both sides and she never fit in, but damn, in this moment, she gets to MAKE the family.  

The movie also both embraces and shies away from Sentimental Jackie, which we so often see.  Jackie is usually either a bitch who didn’t really love her husband but is annoyed with his embarrassing infidelities and is in it for the glory, or a weepy messy who’s always on prescription drugs to dull the pain and going “Jaaaaaaack” whenever he comes home after fucking some lady.  This Jackie is ABSOLUTELY played as deeply in love with her husband, and in some ways more sure of his love for her than I think most fictionalized Jackies are, in a very period-appropriate way.  Sure, her husband has mistresses.  But he’s also a brilliant man  in her opinion, and he puts her on a pedestal and she’s the one he comes home to, she’s the First Lady, she’s the mother of his children, so...  The infidelities are painful, but not the end of the world.  There’s a line she says to a priest in possibly my favorite part of the movie where he sort of broaches another part of her pain they’ve only alluded to--the affairs.  And she fucking SNAPS, it’s one of the only times she really loses control, being like “I was the goddamn First Lady of the United States, don’t you dare pity me” and it’s GREAT.

Now.  If you’re looking for a biopic, this isn’t it.  It’s a study in grief (grief for a beloved husband, trauma over how he died which is very graphically portrayed, grief for everything that will never be) and a character study of Jackie.  The entire Kennedy story isn’t as delved into as it should have been.  And to be honest, the biggest gap here is Bobby Kennedy.  If you’re going to tell a story of Jackie Kennedy’s grief, you gotta feature more Bobby.  I mean lbr I’m fascinated with the relationship anyway, but they completely turned to each other immediately after Jack died.  Literally nobody else understood how they were feeling.  Jackie devoted her life to this man, giving up so much to make his dreams come true... and so did Bobby.  Shit, Bobby and Jackie could finish each other’s sentences, and both professionally and personally they were hugely codependent in the last years of Jack’s life.  And Bobby, like I said before, worshiped Jackie at one point in his life.  They were both into literature and poems (especially after Jack died, she got him into poetry to help him grieve) and they’d visit the graveside just them two.  Bobby’s first concern after Jack died was Jackie; he immediately took up a more paternal role with Caroline and JFK Jr.  But this wasn’t just because Jack died, they were genuinely best friends--when JFK was away on a yacht or something after Jackie’s first miscarriage, Bobby was in the hospital with her.  Whether they ever crossed that line is irrelevant; if you’re doing a good “Jackie grieves Jack” moment you have to have a good Bobby and vice versa.  This guy... has none of the literally insane grief Bobby had (people thought he was gonna lose it for real, including Jackie).  He isn’t as acquiescing to Jackie as he reportedly was irl after the shooting, and yes he did resist the massive funeral she wanted from what I’ve read, but this is played a bit less like Bobby Is Going Into Guilt-Driven Paranoia and Is Worried His Niece And Nephew Are Gonna Be Assassinated and more like... ooh, this man is trying to put Jackie down, but she’s gonna have a Feminist Moment and fight him on it.

It’s the one big weak point of the movie, ESPECIALLY SINCE HE ISN’T DOING THE ACCENT AAAAAGH THE ACCENT EMBODIES THE FAMILY LINGUISTS HAVE STUDIED IT AND IT’S SO INDIVIDUALIZED THAT NOBODY ELSE REALLY EVER HAD IT THAT’S HOW RICH AND “YOU CAN’T SIT WITH US” THEY WERE.  This is especially glaring because JFK doesn’t have an accent for his little speaking role either which could be fine bc he’s barely alive in the movie but theeeeeen Natalie is WRECKING the Jackie voice, she got it just right.  Like fuck, I know this is a Portman Project but you’d think someone would want to not phone it in and maybe get some best supporting actor noms because Bobby Kennedy is a meaty role.  Look at Barry Pepper, he was in a legit not great at all miniseries but he killed the role of Bobby and did the accent so well (and I admit Bobby’s is apparently harder to do bc his voice was also super distinct without the accent) and the awards just came rushing in.

Basically: this is a very, very good movie that should have won Natalie Portman an oscar, I think it got so much right about Jackie but it wasn’t quiiiiiite as fucking nerdy as I’d like.  Also, I say this as someone whose favorite Kennedy is very obviously RFK (he was shady AF like all of them but he had good ideas and was viciously effective when he wanted to be, tbh his assassination is one of the great “what could have beens” of American history imo).  But yeah, I think this is a really impressive, well-directed movie if not necessarily the movie I would have made about the family.