#very traumatic childhood things like abuse neglect addiction etc.

[foxmulderautism]

beau is such a trailblazer of an oc cause he's the first dallonwrites protagonist to have a good relationship with his family

[maddiefriendlovesbilly]

Did you ever review Ghost x Spooker? I cant find it if you did (I checked the spooker tag)

Ghost x Spooker

(If you couldn’t tell, the answer was no haha. I actually had to go check that myself...and got it confused with Ghost x Josh more times than I care to admit tbh,,,)

So, unpopular opinion, I actually think this ship is p cute!

I did a couple small RPs with a friend from the VT Fan Amino a while back

I think I probably prefer PolyPIE over this ship though because the relationship overall seems more balanced in that

I do have some concerns about just the two of them together

But that’s for later

For now, here are the good things™:

So imagine the softness

Ghost isn’t used to affection so he gets super flustered

And when he actually gives affection back (even little things, like holding his hand n stuff, especially when they’re in public) Spooker just goes completely red and has the biggest smile on his face

Which makes Ghost smile too

But like really tiny cause he’s nervous and shy

Look I’m just here for ghost giving little bits of affection and being appreciated for trying and definitely not projecting I mean What

Little smooches

Listen okay listen

Little. Smooches.

Just

Yis

he giv Smooch

Which he you ask? Yes.

So now for the Uh-Ohs™:

I think many of my concerns are similar to those I had with Ghost x Josh

Because canon Ghost is a Bossy Man and Spooker is sort of a softer soul

They also started off quite hostilely - but who doesn’t with Ghost at this point let’s be honest - and honestly from the content I’ve seen (I stopped watching vids a year or so ago? Please let me know if this has changed!) he doesn’t seem to respect Spooker, and barely seems to tolerate his presence - but again, not that this is unusual for him lmao.

I think this relationship could be either very sweet or very unhealthy

Because it could be the story of Ghost learning to open up to people again after many traumatic events throughout his life; OR it could result in one person holding most of the power in a relationship, and either knowingly or - more likely - unintentionally, abusing it and Spooker.

I mean I love Ghost, but he’s got some shit going on man

Like he’s known Toast for almost his entire life, considers him his best friend and partner in crime, and still doesn’t seem to fully trust him with most of his secrets (*cough cough*) - no matter if Toast knows about them nonetheless.

I mean it’s completely valid to not feel comfortable talking about your trauma, but what I’m trying to say is if he doesn’t feel comfortable telling Toast, the person he seems to trust most, would he open up to Spooker? I mean maybe, maybe he’d feel more comfortable trusting that with someone who he didn’t grow up with, that he can cut ties with more easily, who knows.

(Of course this is all assuming he knows about Jimmy/Gregory/CBF/etc.)

Alright! Onto less depressing topics! I lied it gets depressing again

Based on my points above, I think I’d like to see Spooker helping Ghost work through his traumatic memories, maybe getting him to go to therapy, stuff like that

And no one’s ever gone out of their way like that for him before, y’know? I mean, his parents are long gone, and Toast probably doesn’t know how to help at this point - plus the fact that he has his own issues to work through, i.e. macaroni addiction, alcoholism, drug dealing (I’m like 98.6% sure he sells drugs y’all), and maybe childhood neglect or abuse? He doesn’t mention his parents often, if ever, only his grandmother and once in a blue moon his siblings; For instance, why was Jonathan Toast, grandson of the Queen, who - depending on a whole bunch of succession-law-bullshit that I did way too much research on for a post that has nothing to do with Toast or his family - could be as high as 4th in line for the throne allowed to hunt for potentially dangerous paranormal entities unguarded at age 8 with some random kid who, if he does, in fact, have a past or home, is either unwilling to share it or knows just as little as everyone else? Why is Gavin Toast, maybe around 4th or 5th in line, left unattended to a life of crime when he very well should be perfectly cared for, being a member of the royal family? Just some food for thought, and I’m so sorry this turned into a Toast family analysis but I’m keeping it in cause I researched for this shit man.

bACk oN tOpiC: Maybe Ghost doesn’t even realize he’s been through any traumatic experiences, because he’s lived the majority of his life this way?

I’m so sorry if I’m completely misrepresenting PTSD here oh my god please forgive mE

And Spooker sees his reaction to like blood, or CBF, or something, which looks an awful lot like a panic attack to him, and thinks, “Hold on just a frickin moment here–” and maybe he calms Ghost down before he can turn into the Jam Man using some breathing and/or sensory exercises and wow, no one’s ever done that before either!

And like, it takes a while for Ghost to even admit there’s a problem, but maybe a few months later Spooker gets him to book an appointment with a therapist, and Ghost makes it clear the whole way there that he thinks its a complete waste of time and money, and they should just cancel now and go back to base, but maybe by this time Spooker knows him well enough to know he’s actually terrified of going in, of talking about things he’s only just remembering now, of trusting anybody with these parts of his life he only just learned about, let alone someone who he’s never met.

And Spooker can probably see his panic in the way his eyes dart around the vehicle, vigilant in their search for a threat.

So Spooker asks if he can touch Ghost, so as not to startle him, and gets a minute, jerk of a nod in response. He nods back and takes Ghost’s hand from where it strangles the arm rest, lacing their fingers together. Ghost tenses for a long moment, before gradually melting downward, shoulders relaxing and rigid posture slumping to something more comfortable.

And just maybe, they walk into the therapist’s office together, fingers still intertwined, and while the therapist might have to drag the information out of Ghost, and he glares venomously any time a question feels too invasive, the effect is not quite as intimidating as he’d probably like it to be, because never once throughout the appointment does he free their linked hands, which rest on the couch in the narrow space between their thighs.

Y’all I’m so sorry this isn’t longer but my left pinkie is cold from a lack of blood flow and my hands and wrists ache from writing something on my phone earlier, so I’m gonna have to cut it here! Thank you for taking the time to read my shitty, shitty post ♥♥♥

Conclusion: Do I think this pairing would work? Hmmm… I’m really not sure. I think this could honestly go either way, but I think it has the potential to be either really cute or really toxic. I want to give this an “I really hope so!” But looking back I can see there seem to be more cons than pros,,, so logically I think I have to say a “probably not” :’) Thank you anon for suggesting this!

[trainwreck-in-glitter]

WHAT EUPHORIA GETS RIGHT ABOUT MENTAL ILLNESS:

the high fucking highs: EG (“when I feel good I think it’ll last forever, but it doesn’t” at the Halloween party when rues attempted to kiss jules who rejects her again) I can’t relate to rues manic episode, since I don’t have bipolar but her jittery display of chain-smoking, obsessive thoughts, sleep deprivation, numbing the pain with coffee and taking more steps than she needs to captured the obsessive side of OCD very well, as well as the: COUNTING. I’ve had to repeat numbers in my head over and over and watching rue just start hysterically crying as a child during trying to complete that compulsion fucken’ sent me because I’d never seen an accurate nuanced way of this shown on television. I loved that her OCD wasn’t reduced to cleaning obsessively (EX’ Emma from Glee) even though many people struggle with OCD compulsions of that kind it’s a bit of an overused trope almost like a laughing track in sitcoms, and usually doesn’t serve the characters development in any purpose having their OCD solely exist for neurotypical characters to make sarcastic jokes about.

the l-o-w fucking lows: EX’ rue being glued to her bed for two days unable to engage with anyone or even get up to fucking piss resulting in a painful difficult to watch ¿UTI¿ scene. At a time I experienced severe intrusive thoughts I neglected taking care of myself so much that my hair formed dreadlocks and took hours to brush knots all out.

pushing everyone away: EX’ (I mean just look at the first gif, as well as how rue loses it at Lexi when she tries to check in on her.) while people struggling with any kind of mental illness have a tendency to isolate (espesh in cases of severe depression/mood disorders) however it’s not always aggressive sometimes it’s quiet silence in your room for a week and a half feeling completely immobilised (like with Jules during rues own depressive, she unknowningky sinks into one herself to the extent where her dad is concerned).

feeling like a burden: whether it’s because of your mental illness, low self image or like rue your addiction issues impacting those around you, rue confesses this to Lexi who in true Howard fashion holds her and tries to affirm that she’s nothing like that. Often feeling like your own problems are too heavy for anyone to bear or understand adds to the hopelessness and potentially it could be one of the biggest roadblocks to anyone’s recovery particularly Rue’s

being heavily affected by external factors, more so than normal: like social aspects of your life EX’ (Rue’s codependency on Jules, and Jules’ search for affirmation in sexual relationships, Rue’s nerves upon returning to school particularly hit me (I had a three week hospitalisation and received treatment that kept me off school frequently, and the responses from peers was right on). when noticed again Maddy tells Rue herself she thought she was dead and another friend in her car shouts for rue to “get in Casper!”. Things like school, relationships, daily tasks and functioning can feel a million time harder when you’re battling your own head, the way Euphoria demonstrates this is so raw and realistic it really hit home for me. This becomes even more heightened when people are dealing with trauma/grief ex’ (rue still carrying the grief of her dad and wearing his hoodie frequently and maddy going on a bender taking molly at the carnival forgetting to eat for two days after nate assaults her resulting in her having to be rushed into emergency where they find the marks).

addiction and the feeling of needing to escape your own head: rue will take around about any drug just to temporarily forget her own anxieties, she’s willing to lie (in drug tests by using her sober friends pee), and fight tooth and nail even if it’s against the people she loves/cares about eg: her family, fezco, etc). her addictive personality is made apparent by her obsessive behaviours, codependency with Jules, hyperfixations (watching 22 hours of love island straight) and then again in her drug use. zendaya does an amazing job at selling this all, the way her face slowly sinks from the depths of depression into what looks like she’s gotten a relieving breath of air conveys what exactly she’s getting out of this. with any addiction whether it’s substance abuse, sex addiction, eating disorders, skin picking disorders, etc there’s a need to escape but there’s also a sense of safety/reprieve from what’s making you need that escape. for Rue who is heavily characterised by her own self-blame eg: being scared of people she loves being mad at her like in that scene with Jules, the way she cried when she saw her mother and sister sleeping beside her in hospital when she woke up from her overdose, and in one of earliest narrations where she states “if I could be a different person I would, not because I want it but because they want it” and even asks Jules after she admits to being in love with her if she wishes she was different and Jules responded in the negative. she seems to want to dissociate herself because she feels the weight of her as a whole is too much for anyone and will only be disappointing. it’s sordidly relatable for anyone with low self esteem and as a rue stan the candidness can make the scenes hard to watch.

to recover or sink: rue says herself in narration that after rehab she had no intention of staying clean and for the first few episodes or so she was using to the point where she almost had an overdose in front of very traumatised Jules who then sets an ultimatum that in order for them to maintain their “friendship” rue needs to stop using and rue agrees almost immediately. the look of guilt and shame on her face as she cuddles into Jules who is still shocked and upset saying to rue “I’ve had enough traumatic shit in my life, I’m not trying to be best friends with someone who’s trying to kill themselves”. rue remains sober but clings to Jules almost in replacement, most of rues innocent crush was well innocent and very high school realistic in the way that everything feels heightened. and for a while rue is at her happiest, her best friend since childhood even saying to Jules “it’s because of you” which fairly overwhelms her because being somebody’s sole reason for recovery isn’t long term manageable OR healthy for either party. expanding on this the blame Jules gets for Rue’s relapse is a way we’re perpetuating that their codependent dynamic wasn’t detrimental to either of them, which is wrong. Jules felt immense pressure which in turn tainted her relationship with Rue, and Rue was readily giving more to a relationship where the other person wasn’t ready to reciprocate. Jules and Rue ultimately have a beautiful dynamic together and I’d love to see more of them in season 2 but I’d like it to be in some time when they’ve both explored and identified what they’re both wanting. Because I refusE to settle for anything less than #Kethan after the finale. anywho this all meant Rues hinted relapse in the finale had an inevitable quality to it, because she wasn’t changing because she wanted it but because they did. I feel that one line perfectly captures exactly what would have led to that relapse, from personal experience I tried to actively recover from an eating disorder to please my family but quickly relapsed because ultimately challenging thoughts that have been in your head for so long JUST FOR other people stops being rewarding too quickly because as much as they may want to be an active support system they don’t have the access to rewire your brain. I challenged my meal plan but not the thoughts telling me I was disgusting. Rue still felt like a burden, she never challenged that only the drug use. it would be amazing to see Rue in therapy or even just actively attempting self care and explaining how and why that might feel so hard to someone struggling. I think Euphoria this season has set up a perfect segway for the second season, and so far they have managed to portray the complexities of being a teenager with a mental illness in glitter while keeping it relatable and not being exploitative. I think after seeing Rues chronic struggle it would be really cool to see a character representing what recovery actually looks like when it comes from the right place, having that positive representation of trying to be proactive while struggling and still having questions would be a new arc for Rue and it would really show her growth however after the city incident only time will tell 😪

[fiti-vation]

Unpopular opinion: TLC’s My 600-lb Life Story TV show needs improvement

I can never finish watching most episodes of My 600-Lb Life Story on TLC because there is always something that breaks my heart and makes my soul slightly cripple.  Today, I was watching Renee Biran's Story and literally only 15 min in, my eyes were bawling.  Studying in social sciences really made me understand the importance of knowing a person's story before judging them. Not only did Renee's social network (i.e., her family, especially her mother) failed her, but so did the school system and the medical world.

A program such as TLC's 600-pound Life Story has a golden opportunity to shed light on the ever-growing societal problem of obesity, but it fails all too often because it still ignores the fact that health is a multidimensional concept. If you have followed me for years, you know that not only do I promote physical health, but all types of health. As I have emphasized multiple times over the years, being healthy isn’t just about the physical aspects like eating better and getting exercise – it’s about all aspects of your health: physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. In other words, health/wellness goes beyond exercising and eating health. Health encompasses 7 dimensions; each dimension contributes to our own sense of wellness or quality of life, and each affects and overlaps the others. At times one may be more prominent than others but neglect of any one dimension for any length of time has adverse effects on overall health.

The Seven Dimensions of Wellness • Physical • Emotional • Intellectual • Social • Spiritual • Environmental • Occupational

The link between mental health and physical health is often misunderstood. They’re often thought of as separate entities, but the two go hand in hand. In fact, the World Health Organization defines health as a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being.

The problem

What bothers me most about TLC's 600-pound life story program, is that they focus solely on the physical aspect of health. With respect to Renee's story, I do not understand why they did not start with psychological help first. This is a recurrent problem that I have noticed while watching many episodes of My 600-pound life story; many cases revolve around mental and emotional issues.

As stated in one of my previous posts, “the first step to any fitness goals is mental wellbeing.  I am a huge advocate of mental discipline. Most of us think that it is our body that will get the job done when in fact it is our mind. If you’re not right mentally you will never perform well physically. Mental toughness is really what will get you to the finish line. The body achieves what the mind believes! Mental limits will hinder you far behind physical limits will”.  Mental health and physical health are fundamentally linked.

The My 600-pound life story program does the mistake that too many people do when getting into fitness. Too many people get into physical health without cultivating mental health… Mental toughness is really what gets you to finish a workout when you don’t feel like it! Again here, the body achieves what the mind believes! When it comes to training, I feel 90% is mental and 10% is physical.

Although the program has tremendously helped Renee, I feel that they have also done her a disservice. You cannot ask someone who is mentally weak and unstable to be physically strong! It is not realistic and you’re doing that person a disservice.

Poor mental health can affect one’s ability to make healthy decisions and fight off chronic diseases.

The problem - Are they really promoting wellness?

Promoting physical well-being without emphasizing other aspects of health not only minimizes the importance of the seven dimensions of health, but also promotes and perpetuates the misconception that losing weight / being fit equates happiness.

The perceived disconnect between “mind” and “body” creates the misconception that mental illness is not a physical disease. In reality, mental health has a direct impact on your physical health.

Wellness is the pursuit of continued growth and balance in the seven dimensions of wellness. Too many people think about "wellness" in terms of physical health only. The word invokes thoughts of nutrition, exercise, weight management, blood pressure, etc. Wellness, however, is much more than physical health, it involves much more than your pant size. Wellness is a mindset and a holistic way of life. Wellness is a full integration of physical, emotional, mental and spiritual well-being. It is a complex interaction that leads to quality of life.

Shows like My 600 lb Story need to start emphasizing all aspects of health not just the physical part.

Heal Your Soul and The Body Will Heal Itself (Healing first)

Only once one has a clear mind can they have a clear vision of their goals. A clear mind is a healthy, productive mind.

The only way to become mentally, emotionally and spiritually strong is by healing ourselves first. Prior to an aesthetically fit body one’s mind must be aesthetically fit. Train the mind and the mind will train the body. Willpower is like a muscle. The more you use it, the stronger it gets. The starting point of all achievements is desire. Keep this constantly in mind. Weak desires bring weak results.

Whatever part of you is broken internally won’t be affected simply by getting a new body. Simply put, a new body won’t repair a broken soul. A dream body won’t make all of your problems disappear. So many people have “dream” bodies but are internally miserable.

It’s absolutely crazy how much value we put on weight in our lives. It’s as if losing weight is the secret to finding love, having more confidence, more success, more friends and a golden ticket to begin the rest of our lives.

I've seen many individuals lose weight, only to find they still have the same problems and stresses in their lives that they had before the weight loss – they still struggle with the heavy thoughts and beliefs that contributed to the weight gain in the first place. The fundamental thing that has to shift in order to create permanent change is how someone sees themselves, aka your self-image.

Happiness is complex and multileveled. And weight loss is not the antidote to the things that truly make us unhappy.

Research consistently shows that when people start workout programs with "weight loss" as their main motivator, they are automatically less likely to stick with their healthy lifestyles. And, according to findings from the University of California–Los Angeles, after losing weight, most people gain it all back – and then some – within a handful of years.

In regard to Renee, chances are at some point in her life she became disconnected from the authentic, beautiful, brilliant self that she truly is and as a result, became unhappy. It just so happens that unhappiness is one of the biggest triggers to weight gain. In essence, her unhappiness has nothing to do with the weight.  The weight is a by-product of you not being happy. If she wants to permanently change this, it’s necessary to go back to the core where it all started.

We know there are many things that contribute to poor health: smoking, bad diet, sleep deprivation, a lack of exercise. But did you know that exposure to traumatic events as a child also contributes to poor health later in life?

Childhood trauma has been linked to things like cancer, obesity, heart disease, diabetes, and depression. Studies are increasingly showing us that things like physical, verbal, and sexual abuse, physical and emotional neglect, and family instability (substance abuse, death or divorce, domestic violence, incarceration, mental illness) are intrinsically tied to your general health and well-being.

The most critical part of the problem with Renee isn’t her poor eating habits and lack of exercise, but her trauma. The roots of Renee’s emotional eating come from her childhood trauma. That being said, even if Renee manages to get to healthy weight, there is a strong likelihood she may fall back into the same pitfall if she does not deal with her emotional trauma. Instead of taking on weight-loss as a cure-all, the energy here should have been poured into addressing the real sources of Renee’s unhappiness.

When we’re living with blame or shame, we use food to soothe, stay in unhealthy relationships, and let go of all of our boundaries.  

The untold truth of My 600-lb Life

An article written by Lisa Swan for The List touches on everything discussed above. In her article Swan acknowledges that many of the participants on the show have experiences some sort of childhood trauma.

If you've ever watched the TV show Intervention, you know about the clear link between childhood trauma and addiction to drugs and alcohol. My 600-lb Life shows that it's the same deal with food addiction, which is what the participants all appear to be afflicted with. In many cases this is due to the terrible things they endured during their childhoods, such as sexual, physical, and/or emotional abuse. Some participants were raped when they were young, and put on the weight as a protective mechanism. Others ate to make themselves feel better. For example, Ashley Reyes said she used food to cope after her uncle raped her when she was 12. "I didn't know what to do," she said on the show (via The Wrap). "I didn't know how to feel safe. So I would eat to gain back whatever little happiness I could."

That's why when participants start losing weight, emotions often bubble to the surface. Weight loss surgery has removed their coping mechanism (overeating), and that can present additional challenges. For example, it was only when Ashley went through therapy after surgery to deal with the abuse that she started to really lose weight.

Food for thoughts

Society's definition of healthy isn't very good. It's almost strictly physical, which means so many people qualify as healthy when they're struggling with other unhealthy aspects of their lives. We all need a better definition of what being healthier is. And, even if yours doesn't end up being as rigorous as mine, at least find out what your own definition of healthier is.

When more and more people will start to realize that being healthy is not just about exercising and eating healthy, society will no longer consider fitness as just an end goal. Fitness is not an end goal. It is not a number on a weighing scale. It is not a dress size. Fitness is a lifestyle. It is a journey. And along that journey, you must work on ALL aspects of your health, not just your physical health.

Heal your inside and the rest will follow 🍃🔁

[lilydodge]

the trauma epidemic & the crisis at the border: what you can - no, NEED - to do

Immediate places to donate/volunteer

RAICES

Border Angels

Texas Civil Rights Project

South Texas Pro Bono Asylum Representation Project

Lutheran Immigration & Refugee Services

The Young Center

The Florence Project

Our country is currently in the business of traumatizing children and families at an alarming rate. What can we as individuals do about it?

GET TRAUMA INFORMED.

People often say that when you have a hammer, everything looks like a nail - but after 2 years of training, studying, and living this reality, I’m pretty confident in saying that addressing trauma can go far toward addressing a whole host of other problems that we often see as discrete.

Some facts about trauma

First: we need to take trauma seriously. Trauma is an experience outside the scope of normal brain development. Too often, we dismiss survivors by saying that what they experienced was not that bad, or that other people have it worse, or that “bad stuff happens to everyone.”

At the same time, trauma is everywhere. I must confess that when I first entered this world, I would hear stories and think they must be outliers. Sure, stuff like that happened, but incredibly rarely. How many people are really living through some kind of Lifetime movie hellhole as kids? The answer is far too many. So while trauma is “not normal” based on healthy brain development, it is all too normal based on our existing culture. It’s not just the handful of people writing memoirs about lurid abuse or on the news being rescued from torture - it’s people you know. Lots of homes, childhoods, and adults hide incredibly damaging trauma.

So when I say “trauma” in this piece, please know that I mean both intense experiences of fear, pain, humiliation, etc. that do lasting damage AND very common experiences that many people - more than you might guess, if you’re not one of them - endure.

Second: trauma changes the brain. Trauma does lasting neurological damage and can impact someone’s functioning long after the trauma takes place. And this impact is incredibly wide-ranging. Just a sampling of things trauma can leads to: difficulty in relationships, trouble focusing in school, substance abuse, trouble sleeping, disordered eating, low self-esteem, poor impulse control, depression, dissociation, identity disturbance.

Specific discussions of childhood trauma relevant to this crisis:

Nazis separated me from my parents as a child - it caused permanent damage

A pediatric doctor on the trauma caused by this administration’s policies

The toxic stressed caused by family separation

Kids can suffer permanent damage from border separations

Third: Trauma begets trauma. The symptoms of trauma put individuals with trauma at risk for more trauma.

Consider the young man who is sexually abused as a child. The trauma sets his brain into fight-or-flight mode so constantly that he simply cannot focus in school. His shame at not knowing what’s going on around him in the classroom causes him to act out. He gets in trouble at school, which stacks onto the previous trauma, making him feel that no adults and no situations are ever safe. He acts out because he feels ashamed and afraid, and the consequences are that he is made to feel more ashamed and more afraid, so the problem is never solved. He ends up in a classroom with other students who act out, and frequent violent behavior from his classmates stacks more trauma. He drops out of school. Police approach him for loitering, and since he is so triggered by aggressive authoritarian figures and never learned healthy impulse control, he lashes out and is violently arrested and charged with assaulting an officer. Another trauma. He ends up incarcerated, which is an environment seemingly designed to do nothing but deepen existing traumas and cause more trauma.

Consider the young woman who is raised by a mother with untreated mental illness and her own traula. Her mother is distant and neglectful. When she as a young child cries for her mother, no comfort comes. Sometimes mom is playful and attentive; sometimes she is entirely absent. Adults are unstable and frightening. Her brain learns early on that she’s on her own and that others cannot be trusted. As a young woman, she acts “manipulative” and “codependent” - survival mechanisms learned by her trauma. Adults at school and in her family shame and scold her for this, and she has volatile relationships with peers and adults. She seeks sexual attention from older men, since this seems like a way to gain security and a stable relationship. Some of these men are abusive - more trauma. She gets pregnant at a young age. Because of her trauma behaviors and fear of abandonment, she and the child’s father fight loudly and sometimes violently. This traumatizes the child, who becomes whiny and “difficult”. She, never having learned how to parent in a healthy way, grows distant from the child. And the cycle continues.

Fourth: trauma can be healed, but it takes time and effort. None of what I described above is a life sentence. It does not make people unable to function, or impossible to have a healthy relationship. But it does not heal on its own. It takes therapeutic expertise and an environment that can re-teach the brain how to feel safe.

Right now, there are not enough institutions and individuals that are trauma-informed. Schools, rehab centers, jails, prisons, courts, libraries, churches, hospitals, families - we all need to get our act together and work to understand, treat, and prevent trauma. Because I truly believe that trauma is at the root of most of our social ills, from failing schools to addiction epidemics to police brutality. And if we can get all hands on deck to prevent and treat trauma, we can stop the cycle for an entire generation.

ACTIONABLE STEPS YOU CAN TAKE:

Take trauma seriously. If you joke about “triggers” or “daddy issues;” if you think people need to “just get over it” or “be less sensitive;” if you don’t believe survivors, you are part of the problem. If you “refuse to accept excuses” when someone’s behavior is difficult or troubling, because they are struggling to control feelings or impulses due to trauma, you are part of the problem.

Get informed. Read The Body Keeps The Score, The Connected Child, The Boy Who Was Raised As A Dog, and anything else you can get your hands on about how trauma works and how it can be addressed. Lots of trauma survivors keep blogs where you can read about their daily struggles and what helps and doesn’t.

Work on your own trauma. You can make sure the cycle ends with you. If you have the resources, see a trauma-informed therapist. Check out workbooks, online communities, and any other resources that can help.

Vote in people who take this seriously. Police violence, prison abuses, under-funded social programs - these all contribute to the epidemic of trauma we’re facing. Trauma is a political issue. Vote.

Be a village parent. If your cousin is spanking their kids, say something. If your spouse teases your son for crying, put a stop to it. If you’re not teaching your children healthy ways of handling their emotions and relationships, start doing that. Now. If you don’t know how, learn. Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn is a great place to start.

Advocate and educate. Do you have kids? Is their school or daycare trauma-informed? Advocate for a classroom management and discipline solution that is trauma informed. Is your workplace trauma-informed? Your church? Your local library? Set up panels and workshops in your community where people can learn about trauma. If one book particularly helped you, order extra copies and hand them out.

Get your boots on the ground. The world needs more trauma-informed people who put their skills into action. Volunteer with young people who are at-risk. Become a classroom teacher. Or a foster parent. Or a lawyer. Go into jails, group homes, shelters, rehabs.

Get. Your. Boots. On. The. Ground.

I’m dead serious about this. The constant cycle of trauma in our world is an absolute crisis. A crisis that is calling out to us to upend our careers, our homes, and our lives. A woman fleeing a domestic violence situation needs somewhere to stay where the people around her are trauma-informed and can help her heal instead of stacking the trauma. A man with an addiction problem that’s numbing years of untreated trauma needs a trauma-informed recovery environment. A 6 year old with violent symptoms of abuse needs a trauma-informed foster family, not a situation where adults attempt to control and discipline him out of the behaviors. Can you provide any of those? Can you support people who are trying to provide those?

The world needs more trauma-informed, therapeutic environments. Learn how to provide one, then do it. Open your home. Open your life. Open your budget. Open your career. It will be messy and difficult and inconvenient. Do it anyway.

Ask yourself: what’s really stopping me from using my time and skills to heal cycles of trauma? And how can I get around that obstacle? Self-work? Therapy? Training and workshops? Changing how you spend your free time? Budgeting? A career change? This is critical. Find a way to get involved.

This is true regardless, but since we as a nation are now causing this sort of trauma to thousands more children at an alarming rate, it’s more pressing than ever. Counseling services, therapeutic families, and other programs intended to help kids with trauma are already under-funded and over-taxed. While it’s critical to stop traumatizing kids at the border ASAP, the fact remains that at the time of this writing, we already have over 2,000 children who are going to grow up needing trauma-informed schools, communities, churches, doctors, families, police, teachers and courts. This problem is only growing and it’s critical that we all start working to shrink it. Now. 

[theemperorsfeather]

A bit lengthy. Very worth reading the whole thing.

He says: Addiction shouldn’t be called “addiction”. It should be called “ritualized compulsive comfort-seeking”.

He says: Ritualized compulsive comfort-seeking (what traditionalists call addiction) is a normal response to the adversity experienced in childhood, just like bleeding is a normal response to being stabbed.

He says: The solution to changing the illegal or unhealthy ritualized compulsive comfort-seeking behavior of opioid addiction is to address a person’s adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) individually and in group therapy; treat people with respect; provide medication assistance in the form of buprenorphine, an opioid used to treat opioid addiction; and help them find a ritualized compulsive comfort-seeking behavior that won’t kill them or put them in jail.

...

Learning about ACEs more than two years ago was a big turning point for his understanding of addictions, explains Sumrok. “I was working in an eating disorders clinic and someone told me ‘90 percent of these folks have sexual trauma’. I remember thinking: That can’t be right. But that was exactly right. Since I’ve learned about ACEs, I talk about it every day.” 

...“I’ve seen about 1,200 patients who are addicted,” he says. “Of those, more than 1,100 have an ACE score of 3 or more.”

Sumrok knows that score says a lot about their health and ability to cope: ACEs comes from the CDC-Kaiser Permanente Adverse Childhood Experiences Study (ACE Study), groundbreaking research that looked at how 10 types of childhood trauma affect long-term health. They include: physical, emotional and sexual abuse; physical and emotional neglect; living with a family member who’s addicted to alcohol or other substances, or who’s depressed or has other mental illnesses; experiencing parental divorce or separation; having a family member who’s incarcerated, and witnessing a mother being abused. Subsequent ACE surveys include racism, witnessing violence outside the home, bullying, losing a parent to deportation, living in an unsafe neighborhood, and involvement with the foster care system. Other types of childhood adversity can also include being homeless, living in a war zone, being an immigrant, moving many times, witnessing a sibling being abused, witnessing a father or other caregiver or extended family member being abused, involvement with the criminal justice system, attending a school that enforces a zero-tolerance discipline policy, etc.

...

Learning about ACEs helped him understand that the original definition of PTSD, which many people still cling to, is not accurate. In the 1980s, PTSD was defined as a result of trauma that was outside the realm of normal experience.

“That was just wrong,” says Sumrok. “Divorce, living with depressed or addicted family members are very common events for kids. My efforts are around helping people to see the connections, and that their experiences are predictable and normal. And the longer the experiences last, the bigger the effect.”

He also says, “Drop the ‘D’, because PTSD is not a disorder.” It’s what he learned from van der Kolk, who wrote The Body Keeps the Score. “Bessel says we’ve named this thing wrong. Post-traumatic stress is a brain adaptation. It’s not an imagined fear. If one of your feet was bitten off by a lion, you’re going to be on guard for lions,” explains Sumrok. “Hypervigilance is not an imagined fear, if you’ve had one foot bitten off by a lion. It’s a real fear, and you’re going to be on the lookout for that lion. I tell my patients that they’ve had real trauma that’s not imagined. They’re not crazy.”

[kiseki-the-great-nuisance]

Theory on Goro Akechi’s mental health

I might be wrong but just a theory, I am not a psychologist or anything but, Goro might have a ‘Reactive Attachment Disorder’ I am copying the descriptions and all, I’ll link everything below.

First off: 

What is reactive attachment disorder?

Attachment disorder is the inability to form loving and lasting relationships, to give or receive love or affection, form a conscience, or trust others. Attachment difficulties are on a continuum of disturbance that range from attachment issues all the way to reactive attachment disorder. Reactive attachment disorder falls under many names and categories.

In children, these names include:

Reactive attachment disorder or RAD

Attachment disorder

Oppositional defiant disorder

Post-traumatic stress disorder

Childhood trauma

PDD

Pervasive development delay

In adults, these names include:

Borderline personality

Histrionic personality

Antisocial personality

Narcissistic personality

Dependent personality

Obsessive-compulsive disorder

What causes reactive attachment disorder?

The attachments we form as humans early on critically impact our entire lives. If we form healthy and consistent bonds early on, healthy attachments most often continue. When a child misses that window of opportunity, reactive attachment disorder is a likely result.

We are not typically born with reactive attachment disorder. Reactive attachment disorder occurs when a child misses the chance to bond with an adult. Sometimes, that happens before birth due to maternal drug or alcohol use. Other times, babies miss the chance to bond with their mothers due to illness on behalf of mother or baby. More often, reactive attachment disorder begins after birth and within the first three years of life.

Here are some situations that break a person’s ability to attach:

Abuse

Neglect

Abandonment

Multiple changes in caregivers

Foster care

Adoption

Painful illness

Exposure to alcohol/drugs in utero

Maternal depression

Inconsistent daycare

Loss of a parent due to death or divorce

Emotionally distant parents

Why do people with reactive attachment disorder seem to reject love?  

People with attachment issues desire love and acceptance. They just don’t have the cognitive tools to reach that attachment with others. Here at IACD, we’ve learned that past experiences actually change our brain patterns. Simply put, their brains sabotage the very thing people with attachment issues want and need the most—love and acceptance.

How do people with attachment issues reorganize their brain patterns?

As children, we react to our environment—whether safe and secure or scary and sad. We store all those feelings, positive or negative, in the limbic system- or midbrain.

A person who spends the first few years of his or her life in a maladaptive (physically or emotionally painful) environment organizes his/her brain in a maladaptive style of survival behavior. One of the most common maladaptive behaviors is to avoid pain through survival skills.

Our right frontal lobe performs abstract reasoning. To avoid pain, a person with attachment issues reasons with denial rather than normal cause and effect thought. When their limbic systems trigger emotions of fear or sadness, the frontal lobe defends or denies those feelings as a form of protection. Their brain defenses protect them from painful feelings.

Do I have reactive attachment disorder?

Attachment problems vary in severity. Here are some common symptoms of attachment issues in adults.

Symptoms of adult attachment problems:

Difficulty handling conflict with other adults

Denies responsibility for wrong-doing

Controls others through manipulative or overtly hostile ways

Trouble showing empathy, remorse, trust or compassion with others

Lack of the ability to give or receive genuine affection or love. Relates sexual behavior to feelings of acceptance or closeness

Resistant to efforts on behalf of others to nurture or guide them

Lacks cause and effect thinking, especially when around normal thinking

Acts out negatively and provokes anger in others

Lies, steals, cheats and/or manipulates

Destructive, cruel, argumentative and/or hostile

Lacks self-control. Impulsive.

Superficially charming and engaging

Behaves in anger to protect feelings of sadness or fear

Feels isolated and depressed

Feels frustrated and stressed

Addictive behavior i.e. substance abuse, sex addiction, work addiction, gambling addiction, etc.

Behaves hyper-vigilantly and agitated and has trouble concentrating

Confused, puzzled and obsessed with finding answers

Feels blamed by family, friends, and professionals

Feels helpless, hopeless, and angry

Feels that helping professionals minimize his or her family problems

Let’s look at Akechi’s description:

Akechi is a high school student who conducts a detective business. His abilities as a detective have been widely acclaimed, since he not only has solved numerous cases, but is also able to deal with people from the investigation agency smoothly. His handsome features draw him public attention, and people comment on him as “The Second Advent of the Detective Prince.”

Behind this popularity, he is actually quite lonely and yearns to be loved. He was abandoned by his father, subsequently lost his mother to suicide, and never had any real friends. Akechi even calls himself an unwanted, cursed child. This combined with being passed around in the foster care system as an orphan has resulted in a far more jaded worldview than Akechi initially lets on. He has a desperate desire for fame, affection, and attention, which he is forthright about being the primary drive for his actions as a detective. However, the public only supports him as long as he upholds the pretense of being a charismatic idol detective, and his fans are quick to turn on him if he makes mistakes, such as when the Phantom Thieves quickly garner support from the public after their successful heist of stealing Kaneshiro's heart, and their triumph over Medjed. Akechi states he is extremely careful about his life, public image and grades, so that someone will want him around.

His wish to be acknowledged pushes him to do anything his father tells him in order to earn his acceptance. He is also unable say no to Shido due to the latter threatening him when Akechi even mildly dares question his orders. However, Akechi secretly resents his father for abandoning his mother while she was still pregnant with Akechi, as he believes having a bastard child was what caused his mother to eventually commit suicide. He's sworn revenge on his father, even going as far as being a hitman for Shido and acting as his right-hand-man, all in pursuit of his goal to ruin him when Shido is at the apex of his power.

I’m not saying that all of it applies to him but, you can see that it’s somewhat do. He was neglect by adults and pretty much abandoned by his parents if you look at some point. He probably saw his mom hanging on a noose, gets passed by foster care on that. Hell, he is a fictional character but his life is too realistic tbh. On the side note,

Japan treats illegitimate children as a curse, nothing but a scandal. His mother can abort him but she never did.

Oh well, that’s all.

[Source: http://instituteforattachment.ong/learn-about-attachment-disorder/common-questions/

http://megamitensei.wikia.com/wiki/Goro_Akechi]

[dfwbeautyguide]

DFW Beauty Guide: Are You Dating A Narcissist?

With more and more people turning to dating apps and websites to meet people, we see a relatable pattern. You see someone’s photo. You’re attracted. You read their profile or brief description of who they claim to be. You reach out. You exchange emails. You text. Maybe you’ll speak briefly and then, you meet. You’re hitting it off. Things seem great. However, it seems almost too good to be true. Is it?

According to Dr. Sanam Hafeez, a NYC based licensed clinical psychologist, teaching faculty member at the prestigious Columbia University Teacher’s College and the founder and Clinical Director of Comprehensive Consultation Psychological Services, narcissists are everywhere and in varying degrees. She explains that the current “swipe right” dating culture only feeds their agenda, it’s important to understand who they are and how to spot them.

What is narcissism?

Many mental health specialists agree that narcissism is basically an individual who has an excessive interest or admiration of a false self they created to cope with early hurts as children. “Narcissists are disconnected from their true selves and are constantly working to appear better than others. They have an idealized self-image and are in love with that image which hides their true wounded self,” says Hafeez.

Dr. Hafeez shares some “red flag” characteristics of narcissists along with tips and insights that can spare many people the heartache and mental anguish that comes with dating a narcissist.

1. Narcissists are off the charts charming. 

They are incredibly upbeat and bombard you with compliments. Immediately you are captivated by them and their focus on you. They have quick wit, can read people and know what to say to make them feel good. “Narcissists are great at building rapport quickly; however, they are doing so to serve themselves first and foremost. In other words, they feed off the attention, admiration and validation of others so they charm with an agenda,” cautions Dr. Hafeez.

2. In their mind, it's really all about them. 

The interesting thing about the narcissist is that they make it seem as if they are interested in you however they will always turn the conversation and back to them. “These are not team players. They look to their partner to be the source of their happiness and much of that happiness comes from getting approval or even sympathy,” explains Dr. Hafeez. “Early on in their childhoods the narcissist didn’t get the nurturing they needed to feel secure. They were neglected or made to feel as if they were bad, so they spend their time and energy showing how great they are,” she adds.

3. Rules don’t apply to the entitled narcissist.

They’re most likely to have a handicap tag hanging from the rearview mirror of their Porsche. When asked about the handicapped tag they'll launch into a descriptive, detailed 20-minute story about how they injured their knee, entitling them to the handicapped tag. They want to gain your sympathy. Other rule breaking behaviors, disobeying traffic laws, parking illegally in front of places leaving you waiting as they quickly "run in," cutting lines, and even stealing. “They truly believe the world revolves around them and expect others to cater to their needs. This is due to needs being unmet earlier in life,” says Dr. Hafeez.

4. They disrespect boundaries. 

Be mindful of your boundaries! Narcissists will do things like invade your physical space, borrow or take belongings or even money without returning or repayment. They break promises without remorse and may even blame the victim. “Protecting your boundaries is incredibly important when dealing with a narcissist. When over stepping is permitted, it leads to codependence and a lost sense of self,” warns Dr. Hafeez.

5. They look great on the surface.

Their desire to impress others may lead them to a lot of time and money on their physical appearance. They are all about status and achievement. They’ll brag about their education, their possessions, who they know, their accomplishments and typically, it’s exaggerated. “This again stems from the desire of approval. They care what others think of them so much that they use people and situations to fuel the false self they created,” explains Dr. Hafeez.

6. They’ll disappear like a ghost and you’ll feel discarded.

Narcissists will put you on a pedestal as they complement and charm you. You will feel incredibly special, caught up on their intent gaze upon you. However, once they see you’re just as interested in your own well-being, that you’re protective of your boundaries, that you have other interests and put them in their place; they swiftly move on. When they see you won’t allow manipulation, they disappear and will be incredibly cold. They may even give the silent treatment and blame you. 

7. Their past relationships are all drama.

They will make it seem like their exes were all crazy, will share horror stories and make you feel as if you are the best thing they found. They paint themselves as the victim and may add that their ex still wants them. “Pay very close attention to how the person speaks about their past relationships,” advises Dr. Haffeez. “Narcissists typically won’t keep answers brief, positive and forward moving when it comes to past relationships,” she adds.

Dr. Sanam Hafeez PsyD is a NYC based licensed clinical psychologist, teaching faculty member at the prestigious Columbia University Teacher’s College and the founder and Clinical Director of Comprehensive Consultation Psychological Services, P.C. a neuropsychological, developmental and educational center in Manhattan and Queens. 

Dr. Hafeez masterfully applies her years of experience connecting psychological implications to address some of today’s common issues such as body image, social media addiction, relationships, workplace stress, parenting and psychopathology (bipolar, schizophrenia, depression, anxiety, etc…). In addition, Dr. Hafeez works with individuals who suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), learning disabilities, attention and memory problems, and abuse. Dr. Hafeez often shares her credible expertise to various news outlets in New York City and frequently appears on CNN and Dr.Oz.

Connect with her via twitter @comprehendMind or www.comprehendthemind.com