#very short and fast and easy to read but is lacking a depth in the overall narrative. kinda skips over belivability for Why they're doing i

[aroaessidhe]

2023 reads / storygraph

Bad At Love

short YA romance

a boy who’s recently moved to the US when he joined a popular band through a reality show, and has a bad-boy reputation that he wants to get rid of

and an aspiring journalist who wants to dig up dirt on him to get a scholarship

after a chance encounter, they start dating over the summer for their own goals

demisexual Brazilian and pan Brazilian-American MCs

[ronearoundblindly]

I just want to start this off by saying you are one of my favorite Steve writers of all time I can’t believe I just randomly found you one day. Every time I read something I think “oh this is her best” and then I go to something else and literally the same reaction so thank you of sharing this for free. The comfort reading your Steve stories give me is unexplainable.

LOL the funniest thing is I found your works on ao3 first and at first I didn’t click the tumblr there so when I found the CEO au here I was like “um excuse me who tf is plagiarizing — oh wait no same person. Thank god”

So I don’t know how you feel about writing about pregnancy and kids but Steve having to deal with that especially in the Sun Salt and Shield AU is so hilarious to me. Is there a hc you have about that? Or just in general about them getting more serious. I love that you didn’t take the easy way out and just “Splash”ify the mermaid reader.

Um🥹😚, all of this is great, and I'm not trying to just skip over all your lovely compliments (also, good looking out on the plagiarism because that issue's going around again 🥲). I just want to jump right into the headcanon of pregnancy and kids for Sun, Salt, and Shield.

This is mostly rambling. Sorry it's not well-formed, but there *might* be a chapter of fic percolating from this. No warnings. No detailed talk of pregnancy or birth, only vague reference.

Just the other day I revisited an ask about MissG/Doll not having the more humanoid body of idk-what-to-call-them classical mermaids?? And I wondered if that (the classic look) could have been a blended species from way in the past between deep sea mermaids and humans--essentially, would Doll and Steve have children that looked more like what we typically see as mermaids?

It's an interesting train of thought, and, frankly, perfectly logical. If they had a kid or kids, that's likely how I'd do it.

However--and this is a big HOWEVER,--I am admittedly not a big fan of pregnancy, kidfics, and all that 'adorable' parenthood stuff. Sounds a little cruel that way, but there you have it. I'm me. I make things more complicated than they need to be.

I would make pregnancy a different experience from humans. Doll's kind would have a different mentality toward offspring than humans. Some hilarious and/or angsty misunderstandings could ensue.

For example--because I don't think too deeply into these matters, shhhh--based on the sheer size of her whole species, I don't think deep sea mermaids visibly look pregnant like humans. Their hips simply get wider and they sort of thicken all the way through their torsos to mid-tail. Honest to goodness, humans truly just think Miss G is getting fat, but just in a 'putting on weight' way, not a nasty judgy way. In this event, and since you/G do not have the vocabulary to explain, your pregnancy goes unnoticed until it is very advanced.

To you, this is a common inevitability in the sea between mates, but there isn't the type of hoopla--for lack of a better term--surrounding the process.

So you're pregnant? Big deal?

Ummmm, wow, the wheels are really starting to turn on this, but also your species doesn't have a calculated sense of time. You live in mostly darkness (and the ambient/changing light of other mermaids' tails), so you wouldn't have any real way of explaining how long gestation for a baby is. Likely, the kid would grow super fast, too. Means Tony still doesn't know the average lifespan of your species because there are no common/known markers to describe how long your 'elders' have been alive.

Stuff I haven't worked out yet: would the child of a deep sea mermaid and a human be able to live in either native environment? That's where I'm thinking the lower-depth, classic mermaid comes into play; still has fins, can breathe air for short periods (but longer than you), probably can't handle heavy pressure for very long though (since you spend far longer in a pool, not the pressure chamber asleep, than most deep sea-ers while pregnant), and is lighter colored in scales and features than you due to the shallower water (more affected by sunlight).

I do think it would be cute for the child to have Steve's blond hair and blue eyes simply because that is unheard of in your species (as are the paler scales and armoring. I should mention that since you have lavender eyes--i.e. very light sensitive--human blue eyes are comparatively dark.

You'll notice I'm not saying son or daughter. When newborn young...I don't think anyone can tell if the child is male or female. I don't thing G's species cares, and I think you'd be very confused by how intently Tony and Steve try to figure that out. Conceptually, it simply doesn't matter at all what sex the kid is until puberty, and even then...it still sort of doesn't??

Hmm. That's all I got on this for now, but I sense I could probably come up with some interesting angst with a happy ending from it.

Thank you for asking!

A/N: Not that it matters, but I love 'Splash.' I've learned that it's fine to explore fantastical things to all sorts of degrees, and as almost all of fandom can tell you, fluff is great, fluff is necessary, and fluff keeps us afloat. Big HOWEVER, it is not okay to wash away anyone's race or heritage (in this case--obviously fake--a species' culture). Be respectful. It's that easy.

[Main Masterlist; Light Masterlist; Ko-Fi]

@fandom-has-taken-me-hostage @leah2901 @blogbog710

[lia404]

i can't remember if i sent a ygo character for the ask but if not, spectre :3

So sorry for the late answer, this took forever! No, you haven't requested a character yet, and I am not surprised to receive Spectre from you :D Oh, Spectre... What a challenge. I needed a while to gather my thoughts, and after the disaster that was my answer re: Yusaku, I have enforced a rule that says "no posting on Tumblr after 11pm", so I had to restrain myself and write this answer in short sessions.

I've already written a little about my overall confusion when it comes to Spectre, but I am going to do my best to answer these questions!

Why I like him/why I don’t

I still don't know if I like him or not. He's clever. He's really, really clever. And he's mean. He has an incredible ability to read the people he's facing, and I absolutely love how he's one of the first who really puts Playmaker in front of his weakness and the fact that he is NOT an emissary for revenge, but rather a vigilante with a firm belief in justice. I love how he calls out Blue Angel for thinking she understands people, when she's mostly drawing hasty conclusions and lacks maturity. Honestly, he has to be the one with the strongest understanding of the other characters (...save Ryoken. Ryoken is a blind spot for him. And it's a shame, but we'll see this later.)

So I think what I like most is this ability of deep understanding, for better or worse.

What I like less is his "loyalty" that feels more like some sort of Voluntary Servitude. (Be it to Revolver or to his "Mother Tree".) While understandable, I feel like this is something that limits the dimensions of his character, and it's a shame. Also, the overplayed "psycho" aspect he's given makes him very hot and cold. I like him better when he's condescending and ambivalent, but I guess there's appeal in his very... unbalanced character?

Bottom line: jury's still out on whether I like him or not. No matter the answer to that question, there is no doubt in that he's an interesting character.

What I like about his appearance

HIS EXPRESSIONS. How flexible his face is. Not to say that other characters are not expressive, but Spectre has a full range of facial expressions and he moves from one to another very quickly. I think it's his eyes. He goes from condescending to terrifying to terrified so fast. It works super well with his character too: it's always hard to know which face is the "real" one. He sort of wears his own face like a mask.

Do I prefer his dub names or original names?

Well, at least THIS one is easy and does not apply :D

OTP

Okay, I think it's a super unpopular opinion, but I actually like Blueghostshipping. I feel like they have a lot to learn from each other, the very noticeable idol who's actually an antisocial girl in the shadow who pretends she can understand people, and the "ghost" who pretends he'll go unnoticed when he's frankly hard to ignore, and who says he's weak when he's one of the strongest in the series. There's a LOT of contrast here, and I just find their dynamic interesting and… fun, in that way that it could be a huge source of angst as much as a huge source of confusion and absurdly fun situations. There is a lot of things they have to work through before reaching any type of balance, though.

NOTP

Another unpopular opinion but... I don't really like Respectfulshipping. I won't even say "there is nothing here" because it's a lie, it actually sort of writes itself.

That "SPECTRE!" really came from the depth of his heart.

I believe this is the ONLY time in the series that we see Revolver have such an outburst of emotion. Usually, he mostly speaks a name, whispers, remains rather stern. And then there is... this, when Spectre loses against Lightning. And let us not forget that Revolver goes to destroy Lightning after that. Clearly, there is something between them, and there's a reason it's called respectfulshipping.

I just don't see it as romantic, for three reasons (sorry Yusaku, I used 3-part-bulletpoint lists before you were even born):

First, my brain has sort of filed Ryoken and Spectre as brothers. Very, very annoying brothers. The kind who, when asked "who did this", both claim they did, and then argue and no one knows who's lying because they keep protecting each other.

Second, I feel like there's still this weird power inbalance / somewhat lack of confidence from Spectre that Ryoken 100% believes in him and respects him. If he had been completely secure in this relationship, I feel like Yusaku would have had a harder time manipulating him in season 1 by telling him that Revolver would be disappointed. And while Ryoken's behaviour and reaction from above let us understand that it's likely not the case, it's still a sign for me that Spectre is always looking for Revolver's approbation, as if he were afraid to not have it. To me, this goes with point 2, in that it's more of a siblings dynamic than a lovers one. Ask me how I know I'm the worst big sister.

Third, I am horribly biased towards Datastormshipping and I'm not even going to try and deny it, Ryoken just doesn't want to be shipped with other people, not even Spectre.

So, alas, respectfulshipping is a NOTP for me. But again, I see where it comes from, I see why people ship it.

OT3

Not an easy one, but a certain someone (<3) managed to convince me that Saviorshipping had its merit and... okay, I think I can see it? And funnily enough, I see it more with a basis on Spectre/Yusaku than Spectre/Ryoken. These two definitely have things to talk about. And I like to imagine Ryoken in that: while you'd think he'd be the one binding all three together, he would actually struggle to find his place in there. Maybe I just want Spectre and Yusaku to pair up to bully Ryoken. Dare you to tell me you wouldn't like it too.

Favourite card he uses

That's a really hard question, because his whole deck is so strong. I love Spectre's deck and strategy, it's so savage behind a rather soft and protective look. It's like it blocks all possibilities, all hopes to strike. Can I have the entirety of the archetype? :D More seriously, all of his cards work in a very intertwined way, I find it really hard to pick only one. If I really have to choose, I'd say Sunvine Thrasher, on the purely superficial basis of "I LOVE ITS DESIGN".

It's so elegant!!

That said, there's also one card I'd like to give a special mention, even if I'm pretty sure Spectre doesn't play it in the anime. He did use it against me in Duel Links, and it was part of Savage Strike, which might be the best TCG box of the VRAINS era (I need to get my hands on these boosters), so I say it counts because I work with the assumption that Duel Links is canon. Seriously it would be a shame to not mention it: it's an AMAZING support card for Spectre's deck and playstyle. It helps that it's also one of my ABSOLUTE FAVE Spell cards ever, right out of my "Tiny Nuisance" deck.

"Each time your opponent Summons a monster(s), gain 300 LP. Your monsters cannot be destroyed by battle while you have 10,000 or more LP."

It works for all types of Summons. So, when you're facing someone like Playmaker, who begins his turn with 10 different summons? Deadly.

Favourite moment he was in

There are actually three moments that come to mind, although one may or may not be considered canon, depending on how you feel about Duel Links (again.)

Spectre vs Blue Angel. I absolutely love how he plays along Blue Angel's whole "I'll save you, believe in Blue Angel!" speech.

"I beg you, please save my soul!"

The way it builds up to the moment when he completely switch gears and finally throws into her face that she needs to stop acting all holier-than-thou "I understand your heart and will save you" as she often does. It's something that has always grated on my nerves, from both Zaizen actually, the way they project their feelings onto the other characters and pretend they can understand. So Spectre finally being the one calling her out on this bullshit was SO SATISFYING, go Spectre go.

Spectre vs Lightining: the Extra Link Full Mode. Or really, most of the duel. Because once more, he's calling someone out but this time it's Lightning. Ai points out many times during the duel that he has never seen Lightning this angry before: Spectre is the first who manages to read him and to somewhat manipulate him, or at least play on his fears. I'm here for this. Spectre is not someone nice; actually, he's mean. But in this specific case, it's quite refreshing. I love the "bad versus badder" situation, too. And of course, there's the Extra Link Full Mode. I love that he's able to do it, to go beyond what Revolver did, and I love how the characters react. I just wish we had more time to fully appreciate it, because it's THE moment he should be able to rightfully gloat over everyone INCLUDING Revolver who hadn't managed to do it but the Extra Link is broken really fast.

Look how Bro Revolver is so proud of his Spectre. But this is not about him. Shoo, Revolver, shoo.

And then:

That, by gods, might well be my absolute favourite face of his. He doesn't say a thing, he just takes everything Lightning throws at him and doesn't bat an eye. To me, this is is true face, and I love myself a genuine Spectre—confident, mean, self-aware.

Spectre's Duel Links event. I don't know if people consider DL canon, but it seems to be? It's good post-canon content, honestly. And for his event, Spectre explains what he understood of how DL works, actually manipulating the others to experiment and see if he was right. Among other things, he pushes Soulburner to re-live the Lost Incident, which, well, I DID say that Spectre wasn't exactly nice (even Revolver tells him he went too far afterwards, and I LOVE that Spectre seems petulant at it, not really feeling sorry at all, and more assertive in front of Revolver than he used to be. Well, that's how I read it at least.) And honestly there's just... so much I like in this event. Spectre masterfully antagonises everyone and in doing so, actually manages to have them all walk to his beat. He's really, really good at this. Here are way too many screenshots because I love this event so much.

(Cue explanation that this world exists thanks to this link between consciousness, and as such, the things found in this world are born from the consciousness of players.)

THIS. I LOVE THIS SO MUCH. THIS VERY MOMENT. "NO ONE EVER FORGETS ME—INCLUDING MYSELF." Excellent Spectre moment. Probably my favourite, in the end.

Least favourite moment

When he does this face:

Spectre, please, you're being terrifying!

Okay, more seriously, I already said that in the previous post, but the whole "Blue Angel book" thing has been incredibly confusing for me. I don't know what to get from it, so I just ended up... really not liking this part.

But I believe the moment I really, really dislike the most is when Yusaku manipulates him during their duel on the bridge. The bridge is collapsing. Spectre could win, not by duel, but by letting Playmaker fall. This is not something that would be above him, he really could do it. And then Playmaker basically tells him "Oh, Revolver-sama is going to be so disappointed that you didn't manage to beat me" and just... drops (which, seriously, is quite a power move; and also gives a good view of him gauding people into doing what he wants and hey, would you look at this, maybe Ai did get it from somewhere. BUT THIS IS NOT ABOUT HIM.) This moment makes sense in the narrative, but I just really dislike it, because it shows that no matter what or how strong, Spectre is not his own person. No matter what he says at that point, he lives through the eyes of Ryoken. What Ryoken thinks is still what pushes him to take decisions. And to me, it's a shame. It's exactly what I was talking about in the NOTP part of this ask, the fact that Spectre seems to still be insecure when it comes to his attachment to Ryoken, so much so he feels he still needs to prove himself.

(So basically, as usual, it's all Ryoken's fault. Phew, what a relief, we're back to normal.)

Would I fuck, marry or kill him

I'm going to do the same as I did with Kaiba and Yusaku, and answer by elimination. I would very much not fuck Spectre, I'm sorry Spectre. I highly doubt I would marry Spectre, as his manipulative tendencies terrify me, although I see how his devoted aspect might be appealing (it just terrifies me even more, but that's me.) That leaves to kill Spectre. Would I kill Spectre? ...Eh, I doubt he'd let me.

There you are! Again, sorry for such a late answer, and it got longer than I expected it would, but I'm not kidding when I say I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO MAKE OF SPECTRE. Thanks so much for asking; putting it all together really made me consider a lot of things I had never noticed before! That said, I'm aware that most of it are headcanons and that they are probably not very popular. It's just the way I read it; Spectre's still such a complex character for me, but I try to "understand" (he'd hate me so much), and I'm always open to reading more meta about him!

----------- Since it has been a while now, and because I manages to get lost in my own blog, I'm linking back to the original Ask meme, and the answers I posted for Seto Kaiba and for Yusaku Fujiki.

[slowthinkingreader]

Swordspoint - Ellen Kushner

What a fun book to start off this blog with. My first review! Wow. I'll try to keep these relatively structured. I will be-- mosty likely-- spoiling things as I write these reviews. I'm not especially interested in trying to convince people to read any of these books more than I want to write down my thoughts and maybe start a conversation. I'll try to keep my reviews limited mostly to personal observations, unless I find something that might be worth bringing up outside of the scope of the book I'm reading. Anyway I won't meander.

(Started April 21, finished May 12th, 2024)

Brief summary: Swordspoint is a book belonging to the 'fantasy of manners' subgenre. It centers around St Vier, a swordsman-- which is a profession similar to a hired assassin, only sicker-- and the nobles of a nameless capital city whose dirty politics he keeps getting pulled into. There's romance and betrayal and basically everything you can possibly expect getting out of the genre. There's also gay sex. A lot of it!

I have to note this, because I think it's very funny: I didn't expect this book to be so gay. I'm usually seeking gay books like this out on purpose; this snuck up on me. I have a habit of browsing bookstores without any real aim, and I picked this one out of the shelves on a random good impression. I hadn't heard of the book before. I read the first page and the blurb on the back and, as you may have seen by looking at the cover pictured above, noted that it was well received-- by George R. R. Martin? I like his tastes enough, and I have a running obsession with 80's fantasy novels, so I bought it. Now I'm deeply curious about how well received it was at the time. I'd love to know what George R. R. Martin liked about this book. Really.

I read through this one pretty quickly; if I hadn't put it down for such a long time in between I'd say I could've finished it in a weekend. The prose was easy and sometimes very sharp. It's fast-paced-- it's a Manners book, so of course there's a lot of dialogue-- and the drama does what it needs to. The romance works, it got to me, I loved the dynamic between St Vier and his rude-ass, scholarly, suicidal paramour. That's a romance that will stick in my brain for some time: Alec siccing his swordsman on people that are rude to him just because he finds it entertaining? That's real gay antics. That was good. I feel sometimes that the characters were a little detached from reality, in the sense that their reactions to things felt very out of place or disproportionate at times, but it manages just fine with the momentum of the rest of the book. I was able to roll with it.

The characters were fun. Aside from that... I have to be honest, the plot was OK. It carried itself forward on the premises that it sets out. I felt like I could see every machination in this book laid out perfectly from beginning to end, it didn't exactly try to deviate from its trajectory, so nothing was particularly surprising, but it worked. It did what it had to. It's far from the primary appeal of this book and I don't really care to get into it. It had nothing especially interesting to say about its own politics because they basically don't exist. I couldn't tell you what Halliday's or Ferris' politics were. In the end, I didn't really feel like I got anything especially interesting out of this book in terms of what it had to say about, for example, literature as a whole, or queerness, or rulership. It's just really good, trashy entertainment. Really good entertainment!

If I were to make one serious critique, it would be that Ellen Kushner decided to leave the short story "the swordsman whose name was not death" as a short story, rather than working it into the novel somehow. I don't care how she'd do it. It just frustrates me that it's a side thing. This is main course business. It brought some real depth to Alec that I would have liked to see in the novel, and some real depth that was honestly lacking in every character-- despair and regret that felt real and believable. And it also stopped pretending that women didn't exist. It was so good. Damn you!!!!

Wait actually one more serious critique. Why is everyone so pale in this book? I get that it's winter, whatever, but ghostly pale? Every single one? And bright-eyed?

I'm very interested in seeing where the second book in the series could possibly go. I really have no idea. I hope it gets nastier. I deeply enjoyed the little noble drama in this, but it could've been a lot nastier. Trying to get someone killed is dramatic, but there needs to be more despair. More stakes!!!!

And finally-- my rating. 6/10. I like Swordspoint. It was a lot of fun. Not enough books out there that commit to their premise like this and do it well. Being trash and worth reading is an art.

[teenageread]

Review: The Raft

Initial Thoughts: 

When you finish a book and just think “Yeah that was a thing”, that is what Bodean's novel “The Raft” gives me. The story follows Robie who ends up in a plane crash on a raft and has to survive until someone rescues her. With such an interesting plot, I was excited to see where it led me, only to be disappointed in the repetitiveness and monotone of the voice Bodeen gave Robie. It’s not a bad book by any means, however, it just lacks the thrill and excitement that the novel's synopsis gives that the novel itself lacks. Like Max, where I do love his storyline and how he connects with Robie, I just feel like he should have played a bigger part. Same with Robie and her emotional status, sure she made some smart choices, and some dumb ones as well, but there should have been a more emotional outburst from her that would have made her character more relatable. Especially at fifteen, like Robie should be screaming from the top of her lungs about some boy she never got to kiss, not just sitting in the raft, hoping someone would save her. 

Character:

With Robie spending the majority of this novel lost at sea, there were not a whole lot of characters for her to interact with - besides Max. Thus, Robie and her first-person narrative is what really drove the story, as you and her, both root for her survival in these terrible conditions. Yet, for her survival, there was not a lot Robie could do, especially on the raft as it drifted in the middle of the sea. Bodeen did nothing to make you hate Robie, nor nothing to make you love her either - as throughout her time on the raft there was no deep reflection, profound feelings discovered, regrets about her past - Robie was just in a constant state of survival. Which, where realistic, was not the soul-gripping tug that Bodeen could have had on readers. Yes, it was nice to read about a character not losing all hope in this novel, but I just wish Bodeen made Robie a bit more lively as that would have made her character more in-depth and a bit more relatable. 

Plot:

The plot moves fast as we get to see Robie trying to live her best life in Honolulu, even after her aunt levels. Only to discover the sad truth about city living, and decides home is where she is meant to be. This part made the novel a bit slow and honestly seemed forced. It was like Bodeen was trying to think of a way to get Robie on the plane, without anyone knowing, and gave us some random excuses to make this happen. As you know, based on the cover and art, whatever plane Robie is getting on crashes, leaving her stranded on the raft in the middle of the Pacific, along with Max, the pilot that she doesn't know. Then it's time on the raft, which is monotone and slow, but at least leaves you with the excitement to see what will happen to Robie. Her relationship with Max is a bit surprising, as this is the only twist Bodeen seems to have wanted to have naturally within their story.   

Writing: 

Being stranded on a raft with nothing to do can make anyone monotone towards life, which is exactly how Bodeen wrote their novel. It gave realistic expectations, however, made it a more boring read, despite the novel being so short. The only hook Bodeen has for readers to continue reading the novel is to figure out what happens to Robie, which keeps readers engaged enough to finish the book. With easy writing, Bodeen did make their novel an easy read, however, its repetitiveness and lack of action made this short novel seem very long in parts, as all you really want to know is the outcome of Robie’s life, and not the boring day to day that life on the raft has to offer. 

Conclusion: 

This is not a bad book given its length and the fast paceness of the plot. Sure it's predictable, slow, and monotone, but it does have a decent narrative, and where I would not recommend people to read this novel, I do not mind the time I spent with it, nor regret reading it.

[big-sis-milly]

Okay FINE I'll show you a more in depth example as to why I think using mama is hot

Kind of a long one but hear me out

One can only imagine a rough and tumble cowgirl, piercing eyes and a shot so fast you could've sworn she had six arms, revolvers in each hand. She only needs the one, though.

At some point in time she could have been called a hero, riding around and solving problems where she goes, until she fell off the face of the earth one day. Around the same time, a gang that she regularly scuffles with is growing exponentially. They took a whole town, and scared the cops into giving it to them.

There are rumors that the leader of the gang is a hypnotist, and reports of a new girl who carried the operation looking exactly like our cowgirl made people connect the dots. Obviously, the leader hypnotized our hero into doing this crimes! Right?

A cabin door closes with a creak as the cowgirl steps inside the hypnotists quarters. She looks tired, dusty, and spattered with blood. The hypnotist, dark and beautiful and still, beckons her cowgirl to come closer.

"You have done such a good job today dear, I'm very proud of you." Her voice is soft, but heavy, and it projects in a crowd like magic. She pats the space on the bed next to her. "Come, sit with me."

The cowgirl has an uneasy look on her face, she glances over at the hypnotist with a hint of suspicion. "I... don't want to. The innocent people you made me kill today, I could never..." She trailed off, her hand reaching up to cover her mouth.

The hypnotist clicked her tongue. "Still trying to play hero? Gosh, did my conditioning actually work, or are you just believing your own lies?"

"Wh- what do you mean by that..? What did you make me-" The cowgirl winced as she felt an ache in her forehead.

"Oh please, I don't want to hear any more nonsense about what I 'made you do'. What we agreed on was much more amicable for you than for me." Reaching into her bedside drawer, the hypnotist retrieves a piece of paper. "This is a contract you signed. You can check the writing all you want, I'm sure you'll find it's authentic."

Reluctantly, the cowgirl stomped over and snatched the paper out of the hypnotists hands. Her expression betrayed absolute horror; it was hers. It couldn't be, but it was. She read through each clause, easy to understand and short, but no wiggle room for a loophole she could see.

Not to mention, the clauses of this contract are weird, to say the least. It's kink negotiation. Safewords, rules on how far one can go during sex and impact play, and even a clause to only refer to the hypnotist as... No. No way in hell that's happening. But this last one here, that can't be true, she wouldn't have.

"I'm sorry to break it to you, my dear, but— I haven't hypnotized you to do my bidding." She said, her voice oozing a tainted kind of compassion. "I hypnotized you to forget signing this, though. Besides, not like I could just brainwash you against your will, we had to find something that you would agree to, I was merely following your wishes. 'Course, you didn't specify if I could just tell you what you forgot. Great with a gun, but you're lacking in negotiation."

"Rrgh, don't loop me into this! You had to have tricked me or something, I wouldn't have agreed to that! It's your fault!" Lightning quick, she unholstered her gun, pointing it right between the hypnotists unbothered eyes.

"As quick a draw as ever, love. What's the use if you can't pull the trigger?"

"Heh, is that your plan? You hypnotized me to not be able to shoot you? I don't have to aim at you to take you out, y'know that right?"

"Did you see anything in the contract that said that? No, silly, but I'm certain that you won't hit me. I mean, you're done. Scott-free to stay with me, not like you can help it right? You're under the hypnotists spell." She said with a cute er- over the top spooky voice.

"Why would I ever want to stay with you. Monster."

"Ah, that's not the name we agreed on, is it?"

The cowgirl's disgusted frown would've almost seemed believable if she wasn't blushing. "I didn't agree to nothing! I would never call you th-that, never have never will."

"But you did, my dear." The hypnotist sounded exasperated. "Okay, I think it's just easier to remind you at this point. Heel."

Without a single thought, the cowgirl fell into a lewd, humiliating squat, spreading her legs as far as they can go, her arms pulled up to her chest in a 'begging' gesture. Like a dog at the edge of the bed. "...Huh?"

"Good girl." Her voice considerably softened, speaking in a simple singsongy tone. "When I snap my fingers, I will allow you to remember what we did last night."

"W-what? What do you me-"

Snap.

The cowgirl gasped, struggling to keep herself upright as a dormant part of her brain was unlocked. She remembers now.

The hypnotist straddling your lap, slamming her hips down onto you as her adorable cock leaks onto your stomach. She feels so fucking good, her tight ass milking every drop of cum in your body. You love her, oh god you love her. You've been going at it for what feels like hours, but you just can't get enough.

She starts to slow down and you can't help but whine at the loss of your 5th orgasm for the night, you want to grab her and fuck the daylights out of this little tease until you both pass out, but that's against the rules, isn't it? No moving, she said. It feels better if you just do as she says, and she's right. You try to beg her to speed up, but she leans down into a kiss and slows herself even more. You're in heaven, nothing can compare to her.

As the cowgirl's vision returns, she sees the hypnotist sitting at the edge of the bed, smiling. "Did that jog your memory?"

"Uhm, ah..." She tries to control her breathing, but the recently discovered memory and the prominent tent in her pants is making it difficult. Her face begins glowing red with blush as she shifts herself unwittingly, trying to get any friction against her growing member. "I d-don't know what you're- mmph~ talking about!"

The hypnotist laughs, but she doesn't sound disappointed, more like she finds it endearing. She extends a hand and rests it on her cowgirl's cheek. "Don't be like that dear, I can see you're fit to burst already, aren't you? Is your cock just aching to be back inside me again?"

Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about it. Finding a second wind within herself, the cowgirl glares at the hypnotist. "Go fuck yourself. I don't want nothing to do with you, so you can just let me go and I'll arrest you like I should have ages ago, okay Ma-" As soon as she let it slip, the cowgirl stopped herself, turning her head off to the side.

"Hm? Were you about to say something, pet?" The hypnotist cooed, her hand turning her cowgirl's face back to her before snaking further back to grab her hair lightly. She pulled, and her cowgirl followed, onto the nice, warm, comfy bed.

The cowgirl looked down at her hypnotist, whimpering and kissing her face desperately. A leg pressed gently into her crotch, and the mewl that came out finally broke her. "Mmh, Mamaaa~ P-please let me fuck you. I can't stand it, I need you more than anything in the whole world, please please please please-"

"No need to be so hasty, my love, be a good girl and take your time. We have all night to each other. Now, come and lose yourself to me."

She couldn't help but giggle like a little girl. "Hehe, okay Mama ❤️"

I have a heated on again off again relationship with the word "Mama" because on one hand I find the word reeeaaally funny (super mario's classic mama fucker line, just sounds silly in general, etc.) but I also think it's really hot (you know why. pervert.)

Additionally, I think there has to be a humorous connection between super mario's classic mama fucker line and incest but I don't know how to express that cleverly, so!

[oftenderweapons]

Dirty ABCs | Jungkook and Candy

Let’s celebrate birthday boy with early NSFW alphabet!!! LET’S GOOOOO

Pairing: Jungkook x reader/OC (Candy)

Wordcount: 2.1k

Genre: headcanons

Rating: 18+. Minors, do not interact.

Here’s my masterlist, enjoy!

Trigger warnings: switch!jk, switch!candy, swearing. Unprotected sex (penetrative and oral — REMEMBER TO USE PROTECTION AND GET CHECKED REGULARLY), double penetration, quickies, creampie, cockwarming, cum eating. Marking, biting, scratching. Masturbation, boobjobs. Mention of mommy kink. Public foreplay, semi-public sex, exhibitionism. Degradation, praise kink, dirty talking, edging, sensory deprivation, overstimulation, multiple orgasms. Predator/Prey dynamics. Choking. Bondage. Toys (vibrators, cockrings, sex swing… 👀). Mild torture (?). Platonic spanks.

Beta read by my better half, @joheunsaram

Aftercare: Jungkook likes cuddles and pillow talk after sex. He’s very traditional about it. He enjoys how vulnerable he feels and how tender Candy is towards him. He really enjoys the softness of it all, and most importantly being babied. He wants tiddies and a nap. Candy is all about spoiling her boyfriend after he’s burnt out and satisfied. She loves how pliant and open he feels afterwards, how easy it is to connect with him and just let him vent about his worries.

Body part: Another tiddie man. He just loves how soft and relaxing it feels to rest his head on Candy’s breasts. He also loves her hair and how good it always smells. He lives to nuzzle into her neck and breathe her in. Candy loves Jungkook’s back. It’s the sexiest thing ever and she likes watching his back muscles flex when he’s fucking her. She also loves his waist, so dainty and feline. And of course his eyes. She could stare into his loving dark irises for hours. They’re so expressive.

Cum: Inside. Jungkook always wants inside. Her mouth is a close second, but if given the chance he wants to sink deep into her and bathe in the scent of her while sheathed in her warmth. It feels natural and romantic and loving. There’s no other place he would want to be other than inside her, all the time. Candy is okay with anything he wants. Watching his peaceful, serene expression after he’s fucked her hard and has found his orgasm inside her is ultimately one of the reasons why she loves having sex with Jungkook.

Dirty secret: Jungkook had been secretly nursing a mommy kink for a while. It did pop up once during one of his and Candy's little encounters, but it's not something he feels ready to face. He is so ashamed of it. Candy is really into Jungkook being her whiny, subby, precious good boy. She only wants to spoil him rotten all the time. However she can't stop thinking about all the girls out there willing to give up a lung to have a one night stand with him. Sometimes she just wishes she could dominate him in public. Tie him up, ride him raw till he's dry.

Experience: Jungkook has had only one partner, with whom the sex felt pretty awful. He didn't really think he was into it or could go that wild before he and Candy started sleeping together. Candy is fairly experienced. She has had three or four short term relationships. Maybe a couple flings.

Favourite position: Jungkook can't pick just one. Well, actually yes: missionary, but with Candy's legs pressed together and thrown over his shoulder but also spread apart, her knees pressed to her shoulders. Candy really likes it when he picks her up and fucks her against the wall, or when he gets really creative. That usually entails lots of laughing and joking and communicating.

Goofy: maybe. It depends. If they're making love, then I do see Jungkook getting emotional and Candy brightening the mood with cute jokes and compliments. They do tend to be goofy when they're together, but usually not during sex. It's either a very emotionally raw moment or vicious fucking.

Hair: Jungkook shaves. He's a neat freak and shaves. He does so religiously. Candy is not that consistent, sometimes she shaves, sometimes she trims. Depends on the mood.

Intimacy: it's very demure but it's there. You wouldn't notice it because the moment Jungkook enters beast mode, it's pretty much degradation and overstimulation all over the place. But it's there too! It's in the mere fact that he trusts her enough to forget how to be civil and decent and just unleashes himself all over her. For the first ten times or so it's shy and attempted, he tiptoes around the very edge of control, but once she tells him she loves him, he goes all out and never stops. He explores and pleases. That's his nature. Candy is the one that grants intimacy the most. He knows he can go wild because she's his anchor, keeping things loving and gentle and tender even through the storm. Now, once Jungkook subs though… intimacy galore. Little touches and small kisses and endless tight hugs. Her first goal is to make him feel safe. And that happens through intimacy.

Jack off: These two? Really? No, you didn't understand. If Jungkook has even a remote chance of cumming inside her, there's no way he's masturbating. He will 300% ignore his instincts until he can have her. And it's pretty difficult for Candy not to be in the mood — or not to get into the mood, if need be. She's also not one for masturbating. She does it only when he's not available, be it because he's abroad or he's too busy. But he's always her first choice. Generally speaking it might happen that he's not in the mood and she decides to take a quick shower and deal with it herself, but usually he's joining her after a couple minutes, his mind changed, a bunny smile on his face as he winks and hops in.

Kink: First and foremost, cockwarming. Creampies shortly after. Candy has a thing for marking him, especially scratches down his muscular upper back. Their kinks depend on who's domming: if it's Jungkook, there's plenty of degradation and high chances of predator/prey dynamics. He gets very horny if Candy plays hard to catch, and he discovers it accidentally, after Candy stole the last serving of his favourite snack. Useless to say, the snack was forgotten and they fucked on the floor. Candy likes choking (receiving) and pretty much anything Jungkook is willing to try. She can't wait to try double penetration with him, she's just waiting for him to open up about the topic. When domming, she's into sensory deprivation, bondage, praise kink and edging, especially when boobjobs are involved, since JK is particularly sensitive about the topic. As long as she has him whining and begging below her, she's ready to try anything.

Location: Well, the bedroom is the place of choice for most occasions. Not always though. The shower is a strong opponent. If they do get naughty outside of their home, it's usually in quite private places too. Hotel rooms. Club or restaurant bathrooms. Foreplay in the lift and on the dance floor — mostly Candy rubbing herself all over Jungkook. Well, they did get nasty in a cave once, but that's another story.

Motivation: as I said, playing catch with Jungkook is always a good way to get him in the mood. He's extremely weak for breasts, so anything regarding those is a hot topic too. Candy often wears loose/low neck shirts and leans over, offering him a glimpse of her lack of bra. Low neckline and no bra usually means "please, fuck me across the living room, thank you" in Candy language. While for Candy, watching Jungkook work out or just get sweaty and flirty is a total panty snatcher. You'll find her bent over, ass up, ready for the take.

No: Jungkook doesn't like receiving degradation. Memories of his ex make him uncomfortable with that. Other than that, he strongly opposes to anything that involves hardcore domination. He can be a dom, but he's extremely sensitive about what he does and some acts are a bit too aggressive for his opinion. Candy hadn't tried anything unconventional before Jungkook, and so far all her past no's have turned into hard yes with Jungkook. She's still exploring her limits.

Oral: Jungkook? Hell yes. He likes receiving but he by far prefers giving, especially when Candy is domming or directing him. He could do that for hours, and his love for the act almost rivals that of our local kitty cat Yoongi. His true joy is being rewarded going for multiples with his head between Candy's thighs. Especially if he's cum inside her. Not too fast though, he needs some cockwarming first. Candy is a true fan of giving head. She especially likes doing so when Jungkook is in a subby and bratty mood. Listening to him getting vocal about his appreciation is always the greatest compliment to her, and also an excellent way to discipline him when he gets cocky.

Pace: Fast. Hard. That's all there is. If he's setting the pace, it's outright demonic, hitting at least 74bpm (it's Kiwi by Harry Styles in halftime). Yes, he can go slower, usually when he's in lover boy mode or even better, when he's trying to show Candy who's the boss. Slow, lazy rolls of his hips reaching unknown depths. If Candy's on top/domming it's all about it being intimate, calm, relaxing even. She wants Jungkook to explore a sensuality he is too rushed and forceful for. Through her slow and steady approach she helps him embrace a more feminine and spiritual sexuality that borders on the psychological and tantric.

Quickie: yes. Hard yes. He is the best with quickies. Just get it over with so they're both relieved and they can chat about their day while he's still inside her. There's not much to say. Just yes.

Risk: they prefer avoiding it, however they're young and experimenting, therefore they do sometimes get a bit past the safety line. The biggest risk for them is doing anything where they could be spotted, therefore they're really subtle and overall not too explicit about anything happening in a semi-public context. Except, that one time while they were on holiday, of course. And that other time in which Candy almost jerked him off in a restaurant before blowing him in his car.

Stamina: Insane. Jungkook's stamina is more about endurance rather than control. He can make Candy cum five or six times while he cums twice and is more than glad. He can go for two consecutive rounds without breaking a sweat. For himself he's usually more than happy with a round of foreplay and one of fucking, but if he's determined enough, he can last one more. He usually doesn't push himself that far though, he does when he's been deprived for long enough.

Toy: Although toys aren't usually a part of their sex life, they do use them every now and then. Vibrators, vibrating cockrings, oh! And their sex swing, of course. That's what they use the most, yes.

Unfair: If Jungkook is in hard dom mode, he is very unfair, plenty of teasing and taunting matched with mockery and degradation. He can keep Candy on her toes for a full hour, giving her small reprieve every here and there. Candy is also equally torturous: if she's domming, she's not done edging him until he's whining, sobbing, begging and possibly crying.

Volume: Normally, Candy is very quiet however, Jungkook always goes the extra mile to make her moan and whine, especially if he's eating her out. Jungkook can be especially eloquent with his sounds: grunting and groaning are typically for his dommier side, while whining and whimpering are usually for his subby one. Moaning is all over the place. Consider also a good amount of murmuring and mumbling some dirty talking. Not too much though.

Wild card: Jungkook likes his hair being combed during aftercare. Candy always relaxes while he speaks loving words to make up for the degradation and mockery. She could fall asleep while combing his hair, she's just that tired and comfortable. Also! When he installed the sex swing in their room, he decided it was a good idea to have permanent hooks on the ceiling, mask them with fake plants. Crackhead.

X-Ray: Jungkook has a nice cock. Not too long, not too thick but it has an upward curve that makes stuff interesting. He's probably around six or seven inches. Candy has objectively nice breasts, full, round, truly well structured. And she has a nice ass too, Jungkook likes squeezing it when she throws her leg on top of him during cuddles. He also spanks it a few tens of times a day — not in the sexual way tho, but more in that encouragement/comradery way he has learnt with the guys.

Yearning: Jungkook can go without sex for a long time. I'm talking about a month and more. It's not a priority for him, except right after he and Candy sleep together for the first time, when he needed to get rid of the high. With him, everything is very inconsistent: one week you're having sex every day, and the following one, he's just all about the cuddles and fluff. Candy is up for anything, however she prefers having sex at least once or twice a week. Both feel safe to initiate without fearing being denied. For them, arousal is very easily built through playing and bantering.

Zzz: both take a while to fall asleep after sex. Plenty of time for pillow talking and cleaning up, though they prefer doing so very pragmatically. Any time spent apart during aftercare is a waste to both of them: they just want to talk things out, relax, bask in each other's warm presence.

[sincerelystranger]

author: the high school track&field AU that no one asked for

---

Lan Zhan likes to run.

He likes the simplicity of it. He likes the control.

From the depth of his breath to the length of his stride – whether he wins or loses, it’s really up to him and him alone.

Lan Zhan likes that.

He watches the track as he slows down from his cool down.

If pressed, Lan Zhan would admit that he likes the natural terrain of cross country over the strange rubber of the track, but he’s beginning to find that track has certain other appeals.

It’s fun to watch the other athletes, for one.

His brother on the pole vault, for example. The calm focus in his eyes as he runs. The graceful arc of his body as he flies above the bar. The split second of pure ecstasy that Lan Zhan can see on his brother’s face when he knows he’s made the jump – Lan Zhan never knew his brother could make that sort of expression. It makes him wonder what else he doesn’t know about his brother.

It’s fun to watch the sprinters as well. Everyone running on the track are called runners, but the type of running the sprinters do is foreign to Lan Zhan.

For Lan Zhan, running is like water. There’s rhythm – a smoothness – to it. For Lan Zhan, running is something to get lost in.

Not for the sprinters though. There is something violent about the way they run. The way the shoot out from the start and torpedo through the finish. There’s no time to get lost.

If Lan Zhan’s way of running is about holding onto control, sprinting is about losing it.

Lan Zhan watches Jiang Cheng tear down the track.

Jiang Cheng is the fastest sprinter in their school – probably in their entire prefecture actually. He holds the school records in the 100m and 200m and if sprinting if violence, there is no one more destructive than Jiang Cheng.

Lan Zhan’s a bit disgusted by it, really, if he thinks about it. Sometimes, he wonders why Jiang Cheng runs at all. As Lan Zhan sees it, there’s no joy in Jiang Cheng’s running. Even when he wins he seems dissatisfied.

So the mysteries of the track – the joy it brings his brother and the obvious dissatisfaction it brings Jiang Cheng – they are all part of the appeal that Lan Zhan is beginning to find.

The biggest mystery though…

The one Lan Zhan would never admit wondering about, even if pressed…

Lan Zhan squats down and stretches one leg forward. He tilts his head slightly towards his shoulder. From this angle, he can see his biggest mystery from the corner of his eye.

Wei Ying.

The boys’ cross country coach spent all of second year trying to convince Wei Ying to join the cross country team to no avail. Wei Ying said that long runs bore him.

Aside from Jiang Cheng, Wei Ying holds the fastest 100m and 200m times, but anything longer than 200m Jiang Cheng can’t even compete. (Sometimes Lan Zhan thinks that maybe that that’s why Jiang Cheng is always so dissatisfied.)

Lan Zhan knows Wei Ying doesn’t even like the sprints – he won’t run them unless someone is injured.

Wei Ying likes to run the 800m the best, and his time is so fast that the Olympic team recruits often come watch him.

Lan Zhan always likes to watch Wei Ying cross the finish line. He’ll come to the meet hours ahead of his race time just to watch Wei Ying.

Wei Ying sails through the end, the other runners far behind him, and when he crosses the finish, he always lets his arms swing back a little as he glides through.

It’s… beautiful.

If Lan Zhan was a little more stupid, he might admit that Wei Wuxian almost looks like he has wings in that moment. (He might admit that Wei Wuxian looks a little angelic - but he’s not stupid).

Lan Zhan knows more about Wei Wuxian than he’s comfortable admitting to, and it doesn’t help that Wei Wuxian probably only barely knows Lan Zhan even exists.

It doesn’t matter… Lan Zhan wouldn’t know what to do if Wei Wuxian noticed him anyway.  

He brings his leg back in and turns to stretch the other side. He turns his head and keeps looking at Wei Wuxian from the corner of his eye.

Wei Wuxian is laughing brightly. Talking and laughing with the other mid-range runners.

He’s always surrounded by people. Always bright and happy and having fun… and that’s why he’s Lan Zhan’s biggest mystery.

Because the way Wei Wuxian runs is very…

Lonely.

Wei Wuxian’s steps are light and his strides are long and his breathing is always under control. But he doesn’t seem lost like Lan Zhan.

Or…

Maybe he’s lost, but he’s lost in a different way than Lan Zhan.

Running is a quiet place for Lan Zhan. An easy question with an easy answer. The one place Lan Zhan can’t be found lacking in effort or ambition or any other strange standard his uncle’s set for him.

It doesn’t seem to be a quiet place for Wei Ying.

Maybe Lan Zhan doesn’t know as much as he thinks he knows about Wei Ying, or maybe he’s seeing things that aren’t there, but when Lan Zhan watches Wei Ying run…

It looks like he’s searching for something.

(As beautiful as Wei Ying is when he crosses the finish line, he doesn’t smile when he wins either.)

Lan Zhan stands as Wei Ying walks past him.

He knows it’s silly, but he feels himself hold his breath a little – stand a little bit straighter. He does his best not to let his eyes follow Wei Ying as he walks past.

He would be mortified if Wei Ying found out that Lan Zhan paid him any attention at all.

Lan Zhan stays that way for a few seconds as Wei Ying walks farther and farther away from him. The shoulder that Wei Ying walked past feels a little bit hotter than the rest of his body. There’s a strange tingling in his back at the thought that maybe Wei Ying might have looked back at him.

He feels foolish, but also strangely satisfied with himself. It feels like a little achievement that he’s gone another day without letting Wei Ying know that Lan Zhan... knows anything about him at all.

It’s maybe creepy and strange but hiding his creepy and strangeness feels like an achievement so Lan Zhan decides to be satisfied with that.

He starts walking towards the bleachers to wait for his brother to finish practice, when he feels a hand on his shoulder.

“Lan Zhan!”

Lan Zhan turns, quickly brushing the hand off his shoulder before looking at the face of his assailant.

He knows it’s not possible, but his heart feels like its stopped in his chest.

“Ow,” Wei Ying says shaking the hand that Lan Zhan slapped away. “No – don’t apologize. It’s my fault, I surprised you.”

Lan Zhan hadn’t made any movement or sound close to an apology at all but…

“It’s Lan Zhan, right?” Wei Ying asks, his brows furrowing at Lan Zhan’s continued silence.

“Mn,” Lan Zhan finally says with a nod. He feels a little bit panicked. He feels like maybe Wei Ying read his mind and came to ask him to stop stalking him so much. He feels like if he gives any more information Wei Ying might find out everything and…!!!

“I’m Wei Ying!” Wei Ying says brightly, uselessly - because could there be anyone in the entire school that could possibly not know him? – “We’re actually in the same year, but I’m in class 3.”

Lan Zhan just nods again, because this still feels dangerous and he doesn’t want to give any more information than he has to.

Wei Ying doesn’t seem at all put off by Lan Zhan’s continued silence. “Me and some of the other guys on the team were going to go to the pool hall to hang out after – I just wanted to see if you would want to come with us.”

It’s too much.

It’s really too much.

Wei Ying knowing his name is too much. Wei Ying saying his name is too much. Wei Ying inviting him out is too much.

Lan Zhan really…

Lan Zhan takes a step back. “Mid-term exams are next week and the pool hall is an improper place for runners to… hang out at… there’s too much smoke.”

Wei Ying’s eyes go a little big and round at Lan Zhan’s answer.

Lan Zhan wants to hide in a hole. He feels like the biggest loser in the world and oh gods, Wei Ying is going to think he’s the biggest xueba in the planet. Wei Ying is probably regretting even trying to talk to Lan Zhan. He probably regrets even knowing Lan Zhan’s name. Oh gods…

Wei Ying is quiet for a few seconds…

And then suddenly…

He breaks out in a huge smile and he… laughs…

Lan Zhan feels embarrassment crash over him in waves. He moves to walk past Wei Ying. He doesn’t want to be laughed at – even if the person laughing at him is beautiful and fast and…

“Oh please don’t get it wrong,” Wei Ying says, quickly grabbing Lan Zhan’s wrist so he can’t walk any further. His words are still decorated with laughter. As much as Lan Zhan hates it, he can’t help but find it… charming. “I’m not laughing at you – promise. I’m not!”

Lan Zhan doesn’t move. He doesn’t make any noise. He looks at Wei Ying’s face out from the corner of his eye and he finds that Wei Ying’s face is open and honest…

“I didn’t… say anything funny,” Lan Zhan says.

“Yeah,” Wei Ying agrees warmly, “But it was funnier because I knew you didn’t mean to be funny.”

The waves of embarrassment ebb a bit.

“What was so funny?” Lan Zhan asks.

Wei Ying scrunches his nose a little, as he shrugs his shoulder to one side. “I can’t really explain it,” he says, “It’s just funny to hear someone my age saying that something is improper.”

Lan Zhan tries (and fails) not to stare at the way Wei Ying’s nose scrunches. It’s cuter than Lan Zhan ever imagined and Lan Zhan wants to… save it to his memory…

He shakes his head a little to clear his mind and he pulls his hand away from Wei Ying’s.

“That’s… boring,” Lan Zhan says.

Wei Ying smiles widely again. His eyes are prettier up close, Lan Zhan thinks. “I’ll find something fun next time,” Wei Ying says, “I’ll find a proper place to hang out so you have to hang out with me then, okay?”

He’s off before Lan Zhan can even respond.

Lan Zhan watches him as he runs towards his waiting group of friends. He feels little bit like he might’ve been run over by a truck. He feels more tired from this short interaction than he did from his practice.

He watches Wei Ying runs through the exit and out of the track.

Wei Ying crosses the threshold like it’s a finish line.

Both his arms swing back a little, his head tilts up slightly.

Lan Zhan knows it’s not possible, but his heart stops in his chest.

[rosyl-stuff]

The Hate Between Us

Paring: Jeong Yunho (Ateez) x reader

Genre: forbidden love, fantasy, The Little Mermaid inspired (not really a retelling), a bit angsty, a bit fluffy

Warnings: violence (nothing too graphic)

Word Count: 1.9k (7-8 minutes reading time)

Synopsis: You are a siren who needs to rip out the hearts of humans as a tribute to the Sea Queen. Yunho is a pirate who hunts sirens. Will you two find your happily ever after?

It was a peaceful night. When you broke through the surface of the water, you were not immediately blinded by the sun, so you could spot Yunho straight away. He was standing up to his ankles in the water and wandering around waiting for you.

When your paths first crossed, it was anything but peaceful. You were on the lookout for prey because the Sea Queen was expecting tribute again. Every year, each siren had to prove their loyalty by bringing her a heart of a human. It was the only way to get recognition in your world. Everything else did not matter. Love did not exist for heartless monsters. From a young age, you tore out the hearts of sailors, pirates and sometimes princes who were on adventures so that the sea queen would recognise you as worthy.

Yunho was a pirate. But not just any pirate. He was part of a notorious siren hunter crew. They were known for their swift and brutal style. None of the captured Sirens ever came back alive. A few were given as trophies and compensation for old crimes to the various royal houses of humans. There they were kept in small pools of water and put on display. Sometimes they were even hunted for fun in those pools. Those that were not given away alive died on the ship while their scales were removed. Siren scales have healing properties for humans and were a much sought-after commodity for which people were willing to pay a lot. This is how Yunho and his crew earned their living.

However, they were not the only ones with this business idea. Other pirates quickly followed suit and, pirate fights in waters where sirens frequented became more common. One of these fights took place when you were actually looking for prey. Both crews were too busy fighting each other to notice you. It was an easy game for you. The first pirate to fall into the water, you would grab and rip out his heart before they drowned. You didn't have to wait long until the first one fell into the water. He tried to swim but wasn't very good at it. There was also a big gash on his side. You quickly swam to him and pulled him further into the depths. When you saw his face for the first time, you hesitated. Most people looked at you with love because they were still under the spell of your singing. But he only looked at you curiously. He didn't seem to be afraid either. His face was angelic and, you couldn't help but look at him a little longer. You had hesitated too long because the next moment a harpoon shot only a few centimetres past you. One of the pirates Yunho was fighting against had followed you into the water. He could swim and dive well and was moving towards you. Without giving it a second thought, you swam away with Yunho in tow. He had run out of air by then and fainted. You laid his motionless body on a rock. You didn't want to risk getting caught by any of the pirates and decided to go somewhere else to get your heart for the sea queen, so you abandoned him there.

Luckily for him, his crew found him quickly and, he survived. The lack of oxygen had made him forget what exactly had saved him. He could only remember your face, but he kept it to himself, even though he dreamt of you every night.

As you still did not bring a heart to the sea queen, you were pressed for time and became more careless. So it happened that you were caught in a net and pulled out of the water onto a ship. You tugged at the net, but no matter what you did, it wouldn't let up. When the net was pulled off your head, you saw his face a second time. He recognised you and, you could see his inner conflict in his eyes. You stopped struggling and wondered if it would help to beg him. He glanced over his shoulder at his comrades. Then he held his hand in front of your face. "I know I owe you one. Now bite my hand and then get off the boat and swim as far away as you can." You hesitated while Yunho gave you an encouraging nod. He moved his hand gently to your lips. Then you bit gently into it. "Harder!" he growled, "It's supposed to be realistic!" You obeyed and, his face contorted in pain. Then he cried out and at the same time pushed you back into the water. You swam away as fast as you could. You tasted his blood for days to come and, his face wouldn't let you go now either. You had heard stories of soul mates. Was he perhaps yours?

So you couldn't help but stay close to the ship all the time. Never too close because Yunho probably wouldn't help you a second time. One night he sat alone on the deck and stared into the far distance of the ocean. Your heart longed to see his face. So you carefully swam closer, fervently hoping that no one was sitting by the radar and that everyone else was asleep. Yunho noticed you embarrassingly early. He grinned at you: "Can't stay away from me, I guess."

So you spent almost every night together. Except when you had to fetch a heart, then you disappeared for a while. In the beginning, Yunho was sure that one day you would get his heart and that you just enjoyed playing with your prey. But you also doubted Yunho's sincerity. After all, you saw him regularly dragging sirens out of the water with his crew and killing them. At any time, one of you could become the victim of the other. Nevertheless, you began to trust each other. Yunho was actually a very gentle person and, his brutal way of life affected him more than he wanted to admit to his crew and especially his captain. It was different with you because he could tell you everything without being judged or called weak. You simply listened and comforted him. You were fascinated by his stories and loved to listen to him. But what you liked most was that he simply liked you. You didn't have to prove yourself to be noticed by him. When you were together, it was just the both of you and not the suffering your species caused each other.

But it was not only the hatred of your species that kept you apart. Yunho had no fin, could not breathe underwater and was a terrible swimmer, even if he tried to get better. You had no legs and couldn't move at all on land. Every time Yunho's ship docked at a port, you met in a small, hidden bay. There you could be closest to each other and, the risk of being caught was lowest.

Tonight was one of those nights. You watch Yunho pacing back and forth. Sometimes you wondered what your legs would look like. Would they be as long as Yunho's or be more on the short side? Would you have muscular thighs like him or, would they be thick or thin like other humans? Sometimes it was the other way round and, you wondered what his tail fin would look like. What colour would it be?

Yunho spotted you and in an instant, a grin spread across his face. He got deeper into the water. You swam towards him. When Yunho was waist-deep in the water, you reached him. Without effort, he grabbed your waist and pulled you out of the water so that you were at eye level. You wrapped your arms around your neck and smiled at him.

"Hi love!" he murmured and put his lips on yours.

It was a very loving kiss.

"I missed you!" you breathed against his lips.

"I missed you too!" he murmured and gave you another quick kiss.

You gently stroked his hair and couldn't really stop grinning. Yunho noticed this and asked,

"Did something good happen today?"

You nodded, yet you hesitated. Yunho wanted you to be careful because you would be executed immediately if anyone found out about you. Yunho was close friends with his crew and the captain. They might be angry or disappointed, but they probably wouldn't kill him. Cautious was not a quality you would use to describe yourself. Especially when it came to finding a solution to your problem.

"Now tell me! What have you done?"

"I was in the forbidden library!"

Yunho sighed. As the name suggested, no one but the Sea Queen was allowed to enter the library. But you had managed to bribe one of the guards to let you in. You took your time and looked for a way for you and Yunho to be together.

"Don't worry, everything went well," you said to reassure Yunho.

"And what if it hadn't gone well? Y/N, you have to stop putting yourself in danger like this."

You pouted. Yunho sighed and gave you another kiss.

"Go on, spit it out! What have you found out?"

You gave him a big smile and, he couldn't help but smile right back at you.

“I found a way to make a potion. The potion will give me legs,” you said excitedly.

Yunho looked at you surprised: “Really? What about the ingredients? Are we able to get them without dying?”

You nodded: "Yes, most of them grow on the land, but with your help, it should be no problem!"

Yunho still looked sceptical.

“Come on, Yunho. Please be happy about it. It won't hurt trying it. None of the ingredients is poisonous."

"I'm just worried. There has to be a catch. I highly doubt a potion will just give legs with no side effects."

And he was right. You tried to hide it, but Yunho noticed it right away. He gave you a soft kiss on the cheek as you avoided eye contact.

“What is the side effect?” he asked you softly.

“Please let us try anyway.”

“Tell me first!” Yunho demanded.

You knew arguing wouldn’t bring you anywhere, so you sighed and said: “If I get my legs, every step I take will feel like I’m walking on broken glass.”

You breathed out audibly and pulled you closer to him.

“You know that will be very painful?" he asked.

You just nodded, even if you have never felt how a piece of glass cute into your body. But it can’t be worse than the pain you felt in your heart when you and Yunho are not together.

“I don’t think I can let you do that!” he mumbled into your hair.

“Please,” you begged, “I don’t want to be separated from you any longer. I want to be together with you.”

“You know that I want that as well. I just don’t want you to suffer the rest of your life," he said with a sigh, "Let me think about it, ok?"

You nodded and gave him a feverish kiss. The discussion was over for now and, you both concentrated on giving each other all the love you could.

Maybe you would find another way to be together. Find a way to bring peace to your species. Maybe you are the start of a change. Maybe you find your happily ever after or, you end up in a tragic love story.

Or you are just another story for hopeless romantics?

A/N: Hope you enjoyed this one. If you liked the concept, I would recommend reading "To Kill A Kingdom" by Alexandra Christo.

[awritingcaitlin]

Taryn has short brown hair and hazel eyes. She's very muscular as she will live at the gym without other things to occupy her time. She has a few ocean-themed tattoos as well as some for marksmanship.

More facts under the cut!

She is 72, turning 73 within TBW. As an elf she's basically a baby. She's also lacking in certain life experiences. She's aware that she lacks the depth and breadth of experiences that other elves have.

This doesn't intimidate her however. She's worked in her career for long enough to be well-respected and have a lot of training. She knows she'll get there in time.

Taryn was given her current mission and is sticking to it with resolve and (mostly) professionalism. But things get unpredictable in ways she didn't expect and she has to keep up!

She's got pressure from her boss to recruit Rinnie into a project. But then there's the pressure to keep Rinnie alive as her bodyguard. Not to mention now she's a target too.

She likes her pistol, which she's used for decades now. She's a very fast draw and a very good shot. She'd make a decent sniper, except she keeps throwing herself into the middle of battle.

Taryn learned her family's trade as she was growing up, only to eventually join the Navy. But her brother is taking up the family business and Taryn's father is very proud of what she does.

She gets along well with her father and siblings. Her mother passed when she was younger, and she doesn't talk about her much. She and her family are all doing different things, but they're not estranged.

She's not thinking about marriage or kids yet. Eventually, it's expected of her, but she's not even 100 yet so no one's even wondering why she's not getting on that at the moment.

Also, even having kids is something not at all on her mind. Mostly because she's not really into men. She's not bad with kids who aren't hers though, just a bit awkward overall.

Taryn's pretty neutral towards animals. They're nice, but they're also a responsibility she's not in a position to really keep up with at the moment. Maybe eventually she'll keep pets.

She keeps up with her friends via letters mostly. A telestone crystal exchange with all of them is outside of her (and their) budgets. They'll see each other when they see each other.

Taryn likes drawing and painting. She once tried to make that her career, but realized she'd rather keep it as a hobby. However, if you ask what she ends up doing in her spare time...

...the answer will always invariably be "go to the gym" or "go running." She's a gym rat. Left to her own devices, she will just go to the gym. It's a thing.

Taryn does not often read for pleasure. Her job has her reading a lot of technical information which leaves her little desire to go read more outside of work.

However, again, she loves to draw and paint. She likes recreating landscapes, sunsets, horizons. It's what she does to decompress, to not think. It's a great escape from her daily life.

Back to fitness: Taryn is always active. Her average routine has her in the gym and or running multiple times a day. She trains herself for both physical and mental fitness.

Being physically active helps her ground herself. She has routine cycles based on gains. It also has the benefit of making her better at her job.

Obviously the amount of gym time factors into how much Taryn cares about her appearance. But again, that's less about looks and more about how she feels.

A typical morning will have her running her hands through her short hair and calling it good. She keeps it short and easy to care for, and the minimal makeup (if any) makes that a quick affair, too.

For sleep, Taryn keeps a consistent schedule when possible, but she's not a complete wreck if something abnormal happens. Her workout regimen probably helps.

That regimen also means Taryn tends not to get sick very often. However, when she does get sick, she complains about it loudly. That said, she listens to doctor's orders.

Taryn is a military service member, a Navy Intelligence Analyst in specific. She does special research requiring high clearance. Her daily life was relatively structured for the longest time.

Until, that is, she's also been told to be Rinnie's bodyguard, which means many shenanigans because Rinnie is not a typical charge and Taryn has to work to keep up.

Additionally, Taryn wasn't aware that Rinnie's mom was in Intelligence until after she was Rinnie's bodyguard. This is because Taryn's previous commanding officer didn't even know.

Anyway, Taryn joined the military to do something different with her life than her family's fishing business (her dad supports her decision). She into Intelligence, then never left.

Her work life balance is very good. When she's not working, she's at the gym. And she's perfectly fine with that. Then she'll go do other things as needed.

Taryn learned to drive for her job but would much rather walk or bike. She's also spent a lot of time on a boat (Navy). She's been on trains and airships too.

She grew up in a small island town, though she's seen plenty of other places with the Navy. Even before the Navy though, she'd done a bit of traveling since her dad's a fisherman.

Taryn is very organized and very minimalistic. She keeps what she needs on her, and stays neat. She doesn't like being bogged down by extra things.

She can cook some basics, mostly to meal prep for herself. Other than that, food's not something that's exactly on her radar, she just eats what's at the chow hall.

Taryn lives comfortably and doesn't think much beyond that. She knows how much she makes and plans within it. Having a significant excess of money is almost a foreign concept.

She'll treat herself when she feels she deserves it, like after a promotion or winning an award. She gets easily flustered when people buy her things.

She's not particularly outgoing and won't voluntarily start conversations with people she doesn't know outside of work situations. She's much more of a people-watcher.

Taryn's not usually in charge of anyone. Sure, her rank says she can lead teams and whatnot, but it's never been anything she's personally had to do. She'd rather it stay that way.

She'll follow orders and has no particular issues with authority. However, this latest job starts blurring the lines between her professional and personal life.

Generally speaking, she's a rule follower and law abider. Sometimes, when put between two things that differ, she'll pick the one that she feels is more important, or that she's more called to.

Though she has seen some shitty stuff, Taryn tries to push back against the injustices of the world while staying within the law. But she also has contingencies for if she needs to go outside the law.

Going outside the law when necessary actually dictated for her job, but she cannot abuse that. She needs to protect her charge above pretty much all else.

Taryn lies when she feels necessary and is good at keeping up with the stories she's told. It's best to keep things simple, of course. However, she prefers being honest.

She's a sailor. She swears. She's not your "dainty lady who cannot swear" because she absolutely will cuss you out if she feels it's necessary.

Her job puts her in a position where she needs to listen to others and follow orders. But at the same time, she's given enough leeway for critical thought.

She's not really used to taking risks, but spending time with Rinnie means she's taking a lot more of them as of late. She comes out of her shell though, and it's good for her.

For the most part, Taryn does well under pressure. There are a few situations, usually when her job is on the line, that she might grow a little concerned, but she gets herself in-check fast.

Taryn tends towards cynical. It's largely a product of her job. Dealing in information means you end up a bit more caustic about world affairs and the goings-on of people.

She doesn't have a greatest fear. She doesn't really have fear of much. Sure, she has concerns and sometimes they're Concerns, but Taryn is generally not a fearful person.

When nervous, Taryn will bite her bottom lip or lick her lips. Sometimes, when she recognizes that she has nervous energy, she'll fiddle with her knife.

She pays attention to what she needs and will voice those needs accordingly. She also tries to pay attention to the needs of others, whether they directly relate to her or not.

Taryn's pretty self-sufficient. When she has a problem, she'll try to solve it herself first. But if she continues to hit a wall, she'll go ask for advice or help.

That said, she's somewhat bad at recognizing that she's hitting a wall so it takes her a while to ask for it in the first place. When people offer, however, she won't say no.

Taryn overthinks her decisions. She lets her mind wander and consider all the possibilities. But once she's made the decision, she sticks with it.

Ultimately, Taryn is probably the most level-headed of the whole main cast. She takes no shit but wants to do good. She also manages to blend her emotions and duty in a way that works.

Taryn

📘Intelligence Analyst 📘Loves to run 📘If left unattended, will go to the gym...5 times a day 📘Always carries a gun 📘Won silver in a national shooting contest 📘Takes job really seriously 📘Paints for a hobby 📘Huge dose of imposter syndrome 📘Loves women 📘Dry humor

Pics, picrews, and more vibes under the cut!

🌊Going for a run to feel free 🌊Going to the gym to get swole 🌊Practicing shooting because what if 🌊Disaster lesbian who does not know how *feelings* work 🌊Neat handwriting, must impress

[otomegema]

title: Convergence Theory, ch. 2 pairing: Gojo Satoru x Reader summary: You are a lesser family member of the Gojo clan, so far removed you don’t even carry the name, but you carry the Limitless ability and thus the potential to be a bride to the future head of the clan— a fact you patently reject at fifteen. Twelve years later you are a second grade sorcerer struggling to obtain first grade status when the object of your deepest objections offers you a deal. rating: mature tropes: fake dating/engagement, rivals to lovers, slow romance Link: Archive of Our Own

It had been a logical move to allow Gojo to take down your number, entering it into his contacts with an obscene amount of heart and wishing star emojis by the brief glance you caught over his shoulder. It looked like he was already banking on your acceptance of the deal, but when you parted, your to-go sushi in a small plastic bag, you hadn’t expected to hear from him until tomorrow evening at the latest.

Or maybe even never.

But now, back in the hotel you were being comped for while in Tokyo, you wished silently that you’d never given that man your cell phone number.

Honey

Baby

Future-pretend-love-of-my-life

Have you made a decision?

He wasn’t human. It was barely 6am, did he wake up this early for lessons every day? You groaned, nearly swatting the phone off the nightstand in the dark.

You shot back a fast reply.

-oh I’m sorry

-I’m still recovering from getting electrocuted the other day

-Some asshat led a curse to me

You rolled over, managing to get at least another decent half hour of sleep in before the phone chimed again, lighting up the darkened hotel room.

\(★ω★)/

YOUR asshat

Should you choose to accept this mission

You threw off your covers, forcing yourself up to sit against the stack of pillows behind you as you tapped out a reply.

-My pretend asshat

-Mother will be so proud

The dots of his reply began immediately.

So is that a yes?

You sighed, rolling your eyes to yourself.

-Day isn’t over -Hasn’t even started tyvm

The dots began. Stopped. Began and stopped again, this time not reappearing. You tossed your phone onto the bed and teetered up and over to the coffee maker. The pot was finishing brewing by the time your phone chimed again.

You’re so slow.

The addition of punctuation and the sudden lack of emoji seemed almost like a warning flare that Gojo’s patience was waning. But you hardly knew the man and really, what did you care? A favor for a favor was what he offered. You didn’t owe him anything.

I have other options too.

His text continued and for a moment you frowned, wondering if his intention was to have that sound like a threat. You felt heat rising in your throat— he didn’t want to play that game.

So no pressure. Genuinely.

Oh. Good. That was better. You felt the tension uncoil as fast as it had grown.

Tho I AM your only hope for advancement <3

You could have thrown the phone right through the wall. Your thumbs worked rapidly, shooting out your reply in no time.

-Ah yes, your finest quality

A quick appearance of dots.

My special grade ranking? (･ω<)☆

You smirked.

-Humility

You’re no fun.

Text me when you are done being boring.

This was probably the most you had ever spoken to Gojo, despite having seen him on and off from a distance for the better half of your life. He was hard to miss. Every event at the main house would have him and his immediate family at the forefront. No one ever stopped talking about Gojo Satoru and his accomplishments and his strength and his skill as a sorcerer.

It was nauseating, having to pretend to nod and smile like it was all some great blessing just to orbit near him. It was bad enough he read like a sun to your abilities, as if he needed to be made to think he was anymore of the center of the universe.

Your palm itched. The desire to tap back a response now, a firm denial, very strong. But not stronger than your excitement at the possibility of being a first grade sorcerer. It was everything you had wanted. Prestige, recognition, tougher missions and the pay and rewards that came with them.

You were no weakling. Sure the telemetry technique took you out of commission, but it was hardly your greatest feat. You had finally been able to manifest the cursed technique lapse, blue. Granted, it was a one off and exhausted you so fully afterwards that you nearly fainted on the spot… but your tolerance was getting better. The precision of your manipulation of your cursed energy would never be on par with Gojo, but you could, some day, maybe even manage to shoot the technique off twice.

Reversal Red was next to impossible. And Hollow Technique? Truly impossible. The Six Eyes was needed to even attempt it. Most of your practice had been devoted to perfecting your long distance teleportation skills, fine tuning your telemetry technique and working on establishing your domain. That one was easier. The Unlimited Void crushed your opponent beneath an overload of sensory information, information you could easily channel and tap into with your own unique skills as a Limitless user.

But like all things, you were only second best. And barely. It was a joke. Comparing yourself to Gojo. He was on a level you could never achieve— unless.

You grabbed your phone, hastily dialing the new number and wincing at the loud, cheerful greeting from the other line.

“Good morning, moon of my soul, tenderest heart, darling—!“

“I haven’t even said yes yet, you monster.”

“Ah! A name of my very own? Be still my trembling heart!”

“I wish to make an amendment to the agreement.”

There was a lengthy pause. You could practically hear the slow spread of that sly smile. Content as the cat who caught the canary.

He knew he was about to win.

“Let’s hear it.”

“If you are putting my name forward for first grade, that means you have someone else in mind to be the second backer and someone in mind for me to shadow on missions and train with, yeah?

“I do.” Gojo said, his tone surprisingly serious.

“Have them put my name forward instead. I want to shadow you.”

Gojo laughed, a short mirthless thing, “What makes you think I have the time?”

“You have enough time to play pretend, I’d think any fiancé would leap at the chance to be with his lovely wife-to-be and keep her safe.”

Gojo hummed.

“Why me?”

This was an oddly familiar conversation.

“Purely selfish reasons. You are the best Limitless user. I am a Limitless user. I want you to teach me.”

“You aren’t on my level.” He said, no malice in his words, just simple facts.

“Then teach me what I can handle.”

There was another pause.

“I’m not gonna go easy on you just because you’re my girl.”

The bare utterance of the endearment sent a shiver up your arms and not an entirely pleasant one either. His girl. God, how would you even begin to explain this fake engagement to your parents? Who knew the depth of your jealousy and bitterness over Gojo since you were— what? Five? Younger?

“Since I am just your ‘pretend’ girl, I wouldn’t expect anything less.”

“Your funeral, babe.” Gojo said, “But I’m glad we resolved this early! Because we are having dinner. Reservations are made, I’ll pick you up at seven. Wear something pretty!”

Your words caught in your throat, stuttering across your tongue and unable to force out before the line cut off and he was gone.

You pressed the edge of your phone to your temple, already feeling a headache coming on. Something pretty? Shit.

-Something pretty? -Too vague. I have no idea what I’m supposed to wear.

A dress! Something for the evening. A Line.

V Neck def

Show off what puberty gave ya (＾〃＾)

Chiffon with ruffle lace

And grey-blue

-Why?

To match my eyes <3

-Where in the world do you expect me to find that specific dress in the next few hours

Downstairs with hotel staff I had it dropped off <3 <3 <3

-That’s creepy

(つω`｡) </3 </3

-Enough with the hearts -How much? I’ll pay you back

It is a gift <3

-How’d you even know my size

A gentleman never reveals his secrets

┐(‘～` )┌

You sighed and set aside your phone to call down to the front desk. Sure enough, a few minutes later someone brought up a large white box, tied with a grey-blue ribbon. You set the package on the small counter in your room’s kitchen and opened the lid, brushing aside soft tissue paper.

The dress was ridiculously soft, made of fine, nearly translucent layers of chiffon. It was a lovely color, the sight making you suddenly think of the feeling in the air before a thunderstorm, the smell of rain. The ribbon matched.

You looked for a price tag and found none, but folded away at the bottom of the box was a hand written receipt. You paled at the figure displayed on it.

-Gojo, I can’t possibly accept this.

Don’t be stupid. No one would believe I was serious about a woman unless I was positively spoiling her rotten. s’not like it broke the bank!

-Forget the first-grade rec

-Pay my bills

Too late! Negotiations are closed :)

-So what the hell am I doing at this dinner?

Eating Duh and being seen with yours truly easy peasy right?

You sipped your coffee, keeping the mug well away from the dress. It was certainly nicer than anything you had ever owned in— well. Ever. It was hard to argue that there were clearly going to be some additional perks to this arrangement you hadn’t previously thought of.

Plus we gotta go over some ground rules

-Thought you said negotiations were closed

-This mean we can revisit my bills?

g2g

Students need me!

Ttyl babe

The ease in which that man showered you so soon with endearments was nauseating. Had he ever even had a girlfriend before? Or just those usual moon-eyed women who fawned and petted him?

And now everyone was gonna think you were one of those girls. You drank your coffee faster, relishing in the way it burned down your throat and overpowered the bad taste in your mouth.

“First-grade… first-grade. Remember the first-grade.”

And training. You’d squeeze every possible benefit from this arrangement out that you could. Sorcerers worked in teams, but at the end of the day, it was every man and woman for themselves.

Let them think what they want when you were seen tonight. You would come out on top.

***

The day passed quickly and you found yourself standing in front of the hotel mirror, twisting back and forth to get a feel for the movement of the dress— and half practicing staying upright in the heels that had arrived not even a moment later.

They were high enough to be appealing, but low enough to keep you from falling over on your face. Gojo had texted an explanation that he figured you were out of practice in wearing anything other than sneakers and combat boots and to consider them training wheels.

You’d wanted, once again, to punch him in the face.

The kind of girl he liked was a stilettos kinda girl, you guessed, huffing to yourself as you sat down and twirled one of your ankles, stretching the muscle. Even the low heels were not entirely comfortable, but you’d manage.

Checking your makeup one last time, you picked up your own worn purse and slung it over your shoulder. Women who wore these kind of dresses and came in on the arm’s of other men and women like Gojo never had anything more than the smallest clutch— but you weren’t those women.

You made your way down to the lobby and were surprised to find a chauffeur waiting outside with a very very sleek European car of some kind. You weren’t great about those kinds of things, only noting the seats were made with soft black leather and there was even a divider built in like in a limo to give the passengers privacy.

The chauffeur ushered you into the empty car and you sat back with a sigh as silently he delivered you to the next destination. You had, in some small place, hoped Gojo would already be present.

Why he felt the need for such spectacle was beyond you, but maybe this was what was expected of a clan family son when he courted a young woman. It felt— weird. Nice, but weird. The drive was not overly long, the car coming to stop.

You knew this restaurant. Some fancy French-Japanese fusion place that charged a hundred dollars for a single plate with a broiled pear covered in wasabi or some weird shit. Already you felt your stomach churning with anxiety and encroaching regret.

This was gonna suck.

This was gonna suck so bad.

The chauffeur opened the door and you barely managed not to wobble on the pavement. Feeling stilted and exposed as other guests and couples regarded you with open curiosity and veiled judgment.

Clearly they were used to seeing the same people come and go from this restaurant and you were not one of them.

You clutched your bag tighter to your arm, hand reaching inside instinctively to find your phone and text Gojo you were out. This was over. Find someone else— when your surname was shouted from the door.

All eyes turned as if in sync to Gojo, wearing simple trousers and a white shirt tucked in. He didn’t even have a tie or a jacket, his dark glasses obscuring his eyes even as he looked right at you.

A few people tsked their disapproval, but they may as well have been ghosts for all the attention Gojo paid them. When you didn’t immediately make your way over to him, Gojo shoved his hands into his pockets and strode over to meet you.

He grinned, the lowering of his chin and the slow rise back up an obvious indicator he was sizing you up and didn’t care if you knew.

He whistled.

“Ow, ow!”

“Shut it— you know this dress could cover my rent for half a year?! And these shoes! I could buy a used car with this ensemble.”

“You even drive?”

“Not the point.”

He laughed again, loud and careless.

“Figured since you were dawdling you might need an arm to lean on.” Gojo said, offering your his elbow without removing his hands from his pockets, “Or perhaps…”

He feigned a gasp, “Are you feeling shy?”

“I’m leaving.” you deadpanned, managing half a turn before his hand was on your waist, turning you back. He took your hand, the feeling of his palm on your side still burned into your skin as he hooked your arm in his own.

You allowed it, leaning on him only a little. He looked pleased, smugly so, as he led you inside and to a table that was already set for two.

There was a wine glass sitting by your own plate. The one by Gojo’s was turned upside down and set to the side… a can of soda sitting, bright and out of place, in its spot.

“… where did you even get that.”

“Vending machine.” Gojo said simply and even kicked your chair out a little for you to take a seat. How flattering.

“Wine is for you, if you want it. Figured it might help take the edge off.”

You rolled your eyes, not bothering to wait for the server to return and simply tipping the bottle of red into your own glass.

“What about you?”

“I don’t drink.” He said, cracking the tab on his soda with a loud pop. Several eyes filtered your way, whispers behind hands and napkins as Gojo all but drained the can in one gulp.

“So— ground rules?” you said, unfolding a cloth napkin and settling it in a half folded triangle across your lap the way you saw other women doing.

“Straight in, huh? Alright. Terms.” Gojo lifted one finger, “As already discussed, you and I will be ‘courting’— dating. Whatever the fuck. I’ll take care of arranging the dates, you show up, act sufficiently smitten and in about a year give or take, we break up.”

Gojo lifted a second finger, “Two. In exchange, I have two first grade sorcerers who will back your promotion. And, as requested—“ Gojo’s voice dropped a fraction, almost grumpily, “—you’ll come with me on my missions for your first semi-grade probation.”

“Now ground rules. At any point either of us wants out, it’s done. No questions asked. But don’t think that means you get to ditch and just keep that first grade appointment. I’ll make sure you end up right back at a grade two.”

You sipped your wine, giving your mouth something to do than form some very choice words at that moment. Gojo noticed, his smile almost a snarl, but the expression quickly vanished. You had a funny feeling trying to hoodwink or swindle him would end very poorly for anyone.

“And when you develop feelings for me—“

“If.” You amended quickly, but Gojo ignored you.

“—when you develop feelings for me. You have to tell me and again, the engagement is over. You can keep your rank. No harm no foul. I can hardly blame you for falling for me.” Gojo said with a wistful sigh. You were grateful for the arrival of the first course, forcing you both to fall silent for a moment until they departed.

You had no idea what was on the plate. Some kind of salad? It was hardly a mouthful. Gojo didn’t even touch his silverware and feeling less than impressed with the cuisine, you didn’t either.

You drank your wine.

“Barring sickness or injury you are required to appear for every date I set. Including the ones where you have to meet other members of the main family.”

You frowned, but didn’t object.

“Wait— what about you?”

“What about me?”

“Is the engagement off when you develop feelings for me?” You said lightly, trying to play off your smile as wistful.

Gojo scoffed, his reaction almost enough to hurt your feelings… just a little bit.

“Non-issue. I don’t do feelings.”

“God, you sound like a fuck boy.” The words came out before you could stop yourself, the last syllable off your tongue right at the moment the server had returned to reclaim your plates. An eyebrow was raised and you hid your face down with a flustered cough.

By the time you looked back up, you got the joy of seeing Gojo staring at you from over his glasses, a broad and deeply amused grin on his face.

“Not non-issue. If I get the feelings rule you get the feelings rule. End discussion.”

Gojo shrugged, again not touching the newest course which was, to your extreme annoyance, some kind of grilled pear.

“You should slow down.” He warned in a sing song voice as you poured another glass.

“I’m not a baby— okay. So we got terms, we got ground rules. Anything else?”

“You can’t refuse my gifts.”

Your eyes narrowed sharply and he simply smiled and hummed with a shrug.

“It’s for appearances! Oh. Speaking of appearances—“ Gojo sat up, fishing something from his back pocket and sitting it on the table. You stared at the simple black box, fearing a vein might burst in your forehead at any moment.

“What is that.” You stated more than asked.

“Open it.” Gojo said, his voice light and encouraging as he nudged the box closer, “Come on, open it. Open it. You know you wanna, sweetie, light of my life, fire of my lo—“

You snatched the box up if only to stop him from finishing that sentence.

You swallowed hard, the sounds of the room fading out as you flipped open the box and found, sitting upon a small satin pillow— a… key?

You lifted it from the box, noting it even had a little custom keychain made to look like a white cat with a tiny blindfold.

“It’s to my apartment!” Gojo announced with a giddy laugh, clasping his hands together in a way that was entirely un-adult like.

“… I have my own place. Thank you.”

“In Kyoto. This is here, in Tokyo. Where you will need to stay for this all to work, remember?”

“Where will you stay?” You asked dryly, vaguely hoping his answer would be something other than what it was no doubt going to be.

“Very funny. You’ll have your own room—if you want it.”

“Why—“ your voice nearly broke and you had to take a moment to clear it, “Why uh— why wouldn’t I be wanting my own room?”

“Feelings are off limits, naturally. But if you want to take me up again on that offer from back in the day…”

The surge of cursed energy that rippled off of you was so strong Gojo nearly toppled backwards, his laugh gaining a somewhat nervous lift to it if only for just a moment.

“I’ll have my own room. My own locked room.” You bit out, feeling your face flushing hot and hating every second Gojo seemed to be enjoying your utter mortification, “Unless that is a problem.”

“Nope. Not at all. Probably for the best ultimately, I’ve been told I have a bad habit of dickmatizing folks.”

“… I’m sorry, you what.”

“Dickmatizing! Ya know. Like hypnotizing but with—“

“I got it!” You groaned, pressing your face into your hand. When did it get so damn hot in here? You snatched up your wine glass and finished off the contents, feeling even hotter.

“Is that all?”

“Unless anything comes to your mind, then yep.” Gojo finished, ignoring yet another course. You were almost tempted. The dish was some kind of meat, but the sauce drenched over it smelt sharply of something bitter and sour at the same time. You stomach recoiled at the thought and yet rumbled in protest to its growing hunger.

“So what do you think?”

“You’re disgusting?” you said flatly.

“I meant about the deal.”

You glowered openly at him. It was going to take a lot of practice to turn that deprecating expression you felt naturally pull unto your face at his sight into something loving and tender… but for first-grade ranking? For lessons on your Limitless? Fuck. Fuck you’d do it.

You poured the remainder of the bottle into your glass and polished it off in one shot.

“I accept.”

Gojo clapped his hands together, “Excellent! Now let’s get the hell out of here.”

“Huh?” You barely managed to get the questioning sound out before Gojo was up and out of his chair. You scrambled up, head rushing with the wine and the weirdness of this entire conversation. By the time you managed to catch up with him, he snaked out his arm and wrapped it around your waist, pulling you flush and warm against his side.

You about threw him across the room, but your attempts at a grapple were thwarted by the sudden thrumming of the familiar Neutral Limitless ability, stalling your moments to such a small speed you felt suddenly frozen.

The impulse to toss him passed and instead you let him escort you outside where the car was still waiting.

“Take us to the place, ya know the one.” Gojo said to the driver and in a surprising show of gallantry, actually held the door open for you to get in first.

“And open the back window. If she throws up, I’d rather it be on the pavement.”

You elbowed him in the chest— accidentally of course.

***

The car drive was a bit longer, taking you away from the glitz and glamor of this side of Tokyo and to what looked arguably as one of the most hole-in-the-wall noodle joints you had ever seen. The street kitchen was small, the counter open outside with a few bar stools. The smells of teriyaki and spices and cooking oils were heavy in the air and made your mouth water.

Gojo perched on one of the stools and you came to sit alongside him, watching as he ripped open a set of chopsticks and rubbed the splinters off.

He ordered quickly—yakisoba and yakitori. Along with several packages of mochi they kept behind the counter in the same kinda plastic bags you’d find at a convenience store.

Gojo had been right— you should have slowed down. The world had a light haze to it… a slight tilting. His hand on your back felt massive and overly warm as he guided you back to sitting straight.

“Eat, ya lush.” He ordered, piling noodles and chicken unto a smaller empty plate for you from his own, “C’mon.”

Gojo popped one of the mochi bags and dumped the sticky sweet confection right on top of your yakisoba. You grimaced, picking the sweet off and trying to wipe some of the sauce from it before you took a generous bite.

The food was greasy and delicious and abundant and cheap and your mouth was in heaven. Even having not used your Limitless since yesterday, every taste still felt heightened. Maybe it was the way your cursed powers tried to compensate from the wine, but everything somehow was more delicious.

You attempted to snag another piece of yakitori from Gojo’s plate, only to have your chopsticks blocked with a clack.

“Ah ah ah— hands off.”

“What’s yours is mine, right?” You chided, only to be dodged again in a movement faster than your eyes could perceive. Did he just use his Limitless to counter you? Feeling emboldened, you activated your own, the faint pulse of the energy so close together giving you the sort of deflecting feeling one experiences when holding two sides of the same magnet near together.

Repelling, shifting. Trying to shove the energy into a way that the two forces would collide rather than deflect.

You were concentrating fully. The minuscule movements invisible to even your eyes, but the feeling was there. A sort of blindsight where you didn’t need the Six Eyes to tell you what was happening— but it would have definitely helped. You flicked a glance up and lost your control, your chopsticks shooting away and nearly cracking one in two.

Gojo chuckled. It was the expression on his face that had distracted you. His eyelids were half dropped, his smile soft as he readied himself to deflect you again. Your energy was no match for his… but it matched. It was made of the same stuff. Controlled the same way. He could see, with the sharp clarity of his Six Eyes, every tiny precise movement you made with your cursed energy. A mirror of his own abilities in miniature.

He was playing with you. And all the sudden you felt as if a small knot in your chest had shaken free, the coil coming undone.

Was there anyone else on this Earth you could do such a thing with?

Feeling strange and suddenly shy, you drew your energy back in and refocused on eating from your own plate, grumbling at your loss.

A second later, Gojo’s chopsticks moved over your plate, dropping another helping of noodles in.

A small concession. A victory in it's own right, even if it had not won the yakitori.

“Sober up, will ya? But don’t eat too fast. I’m not cleaning up vomit, no way, no how.”

“You’re always so vulgar.” you murmured, speaking around a mouthful of noodles and mochi. Gojo turned and stuck his tongue out at you. A confirmation or a reprisal, you couldn’t be sure.

But regardless, it did something to you he had never managed to do before.

It made you laugh.

[filmmakerdreamst]

How Xena: Warrior Princess Allowed Me To Accept Myself

I was living in a city all alone and these two characters showed me that it was ok for two women to love each other.

In order to understand the following story, there’s something you need to know about me. I have always loved fiction. From the age of about 5 to 11, I loved books more than I loved people. I was a shy child who found it easier to emotionally engage with fictional worlds than the real one around me.

See, fictional worlds are created for your brain’s enjoyment. Their rules make sense. Events happen for a reason. The narrator tells you why characters behave the way they do, allowing you to empathize with them on a deep emotional level. Easy to understand, easy to identify with, easy to love.

But real people are complicated. The real world is complicated. And things are seldom laid out nicely in a coherent narrative format for you. Real things are much harder to love.

This emotional disengagement continued from the age of 11 onwards, although it was no longer as pronounced. My habit of retreating into fiction would fade during good times and come back in force during difficult or stressful periods. During the stressful periods of college, the rise of Netflix allowed me to become certifiably obsessed with my favorite TV shows. And naturally, I joined Tumblr in order to more easily fangirl with people who shared my interests.

Only for some peculiar reason that I didn’t care to examine, my interests were slowly gravitating towards girl-girl couples. Soon I was shipping, reblogging, and reading fanfiction almost exclusively about female couples. But I, who had always considered myself straight despite lacking interest in the boys around me, didn’t think this meant that I was gay. I probably just found female couples more emotionally satisfying. I was friends with mostly women, I was a woman myself, so it was natural that I just understood them better. Yeah, that was probably it.

Fast-forward to nine months ago. I was living in Boston and incredibly depressed about it. My job and my boss were making my life miserable and I had very few people to socialize with. I was making the rough transition from the constant socialization of college to the isolating pressure of a city where I had few connections. My days and nights were some of the loneliest I had ever experienced. I looked for something, anything, to lift the heart-crushing emotional silence.

My solution was the same one I always chose when I was dissatisfied with the real world; obsession with a new TV show. And thanks to my femslash-focused tumblr community, I knew just what my next feel-good show was going to be.

My tumblr friends had told me this: Xena: Warrior Princess is an action-fantasy show that enjoys a cult status, much like Buffy: The Vampire Slayer (which I watched and loved). The two shows were made in the same mid-to-late 90's era, with similar bad special effects and endearing campiness. But XWP is much… MUCH… more gay.

That was about all I knew about the show going in. And amazingly, that was all I needed to know to be excited about watching it. You’d think that fact would have told me something about myself, but no. The mental walls of denial were years in the building and needed more force than that to be shattered.

For anyone unfamiliar with the show’s premise, Xena: Warrior Princess is about the title character and her quest for redemption. You see, Xena did some bad things in her previous life on another show (Hercules: The Legendary Journeys). In her storied career as a warlord, she committed such petty crimes as genocide, the slaughter of innocents, that kind of thing. But now she has seen the light and wants to atone for her crimes. Except she can never undo the terrible things she did. All Xena can do now is help people on a day-to-day basis and hope that it’s enough for someone to show her mercy.

Which is already fantastic from a character standpoint. But there is a secret mirror to Xena’s journey that is not reflected in the show’s title, and that is Gabrielle and her character arc.

Oh! Gabrielle! When I met her in the very first episode, I loved her straightaway. She is a feisty, naive, talkative small-town girl who accompanies Xena on all her adventures. Her character quickly assumes paramount importance in the narrative. Gabrielle is Xena’s only friend. She comes to know her better than anyone else and love her for who she is, all the while believing Xena can reach redemption. Yet Gabrielle is not just a support system for Xena; she goes on her own heroic journey. The two character arcs intertwine and co-develop in a way I have never seen in any show before or since.

As each episode rolled by and their relationship grew in complexity, I found myself more and more engrossed. And I came to realize: this was something I wanted. The day I accepted my own desire was the day I accepted myself. What could be more strangling than denying the existence of your own feelings? Yet I had been doing this to myself for years — cutting off the possibility of being attracted to other women — without even realizing.

Before beginning the show, I thought the fandom had read in between the lines to construct a romantic relationship between the two characters, the same way as femslash shippers do in all other TV shows. Except not this time. This one is mind-blowingly different.

Not only does the narrative place utmost importance on the relationship between Xena and Gabrielle, but the actresses bring such multi-dimensional love to their parts. When I saw Lucy Lawless (Xena) and Renee O’Connor (Gabrielle) interact, I could so easily believe that these two women loved each other beyond friendship. Xena and Gabrielle display every kind of love you can think of. They protect and sacrifice for each other. They tease and flirt. They cuddle and console. They have inside jokes with each other. They dance sexily. They play pranks and drive each other crazy. They sweetly kiss. They come back from the dead together. They bathe together. They raise each other’s children. They meet in alternate timelines and fall in love all over again.

I could have left my mental walls of denial in place. I could have said to myself “oh yes, I want this. But with a guy.” But no. Lawless and O’Connor’s incredibly attractive faces and bodies broke down the door of my mental closet. Precisely because they were fictional, I felt safe to admit my attraction to them. One of the key mental blocks I had always had towards accepting any attraction towards other women was the thought that I was being creepy. That since they could not possibly feel the same way about me, it was wrong to feel the way I did. But in my mind, that barrier didn’t exist with fictional characters. They couldn’t feel anything for me. Therefore, it was fine to feel whatever I want about them.

The walls cracked. The water came rushing in. Oh my god. I am attracted to other women. Like, every day of my life. Those flickers in my stomach when I talk to an attractive female coworker suddenly make a whole lot of sense now. I now saw my historical awkwardness when talking to beautiful girls, which I always dismissed as “me being weird”, for what it was. All those short-term girl crushes on older girls throughout high school. How was I so sure they were platonic? That heart-aching infatuation I had with my best friend that lasted for years? Yeah, add that to the ‘definitely gay’ list.

Since then I’ve realized that my feelings are valid regardless of what others feel for me. Just because feelings are unrequited doesn’t mean they aren’t real. That’s what Xena and Gabrielle taught me. Their fictional example was the final blow to my rapidly-crumbling resistance to the idea of homosexuality.

In our culture today, so many forms of media reinforce heteronormativity. How many commercials have you seen that assume attraction between a man and a woman? How many billboards tell women that they need to look sexy for the men in their lives? How many times has a movie ended with the guy getting the girl? It’s the combined action of a thousand small rocks shifting to make a cultural avalanche. You can’t move against it. All you can do is stand still and try to maintain your footing against the current, to maintain your identity in the face of a world where you and people like you are often swept away by the mainstream.

Xena: Warrior Princess is one of those rare stories that dares to go against the grain. It celebrates a romantic relationship between two women as the most natural thing in the world. And in doing so, it provides a mirror for me and people like me to recognize themselves in. There we are. Look at us fly.

This story isn’t over yet. I still have a lot of work to do to accept myself, but thanks to Xena and Gabrielle I’ve taken one huge step towards living the open life I want to live. I moved on from that horrible job and lonely city, but in the end I’m grateful. Grateful that circumstances pushed me to the depths of loneliness necessary to bring down the prison I had built in my own mind.

- How Xena: Warrior Princess Allowed Me To Accept Myself by Lyra Hall

[thatkindofwoman]

I’m sweating more than I have in years. It could be the heat. Or the state of these “united” states. It could be my refusal to air condition my apartment. Selfish for that thick air dissipating before a storm comes rolling in. It could be the deep introspection isolation takes, or self education, or the fights I refuse to step back from. 

I remember having friends I no longer have. 

The light of the hardware store sign across the street just flickered out. Maybe a timer...

I find peace in meditating before bed these days. In personal pleasures. Cold brewed tea. A garden filled with the rewards of my singular labor. Dunking my body into the water trough I asked my mom for, now nestled in my backyard, once used for the since passed horses from the farm. 

Remembering. I remember when I did labor for others. So soft, treading carefully to provide for others, then roughly, forgetful, unsure. Those rewards not nearly as sweet. I’ll tell you that. 

I do miss the easy physical nature with friends now gone. God damn, what I wouldn’t give for soft affection, or even a crushing hug. I miss slightly sloppy kisses on my cheek, or even a rough harsh SMACK on the ass, and arms thrown around my shoulders. Flipping off a close friend with a grin on my face even seems nostalgic these days. Mirrored in my 20s, now seeking depth and sincerity while being devilish in my 30s.  

Intimacy seems to be around the corner on a never ending road. Just ahead. Maybe. Sickly sweet humidity makes me think of the wrestling of making out, roaming hands, exalted breaths from smiling mouths, words off the tongue between me and those caught in my web, me in theirs. Soaking wet, nude dancing in the rain, sharing kisses with a beautiful woman. Drenched after a skinny dipping session filled with me throwing back my head and living as a muse of affection and attraction from the callused hands of men who I’ll never speak to again. My bare shoulders pressed against a building as mouths spoke a wordless language. 

What will intimacy look like on the other side of this. Not a question, as you can see by my punctuation. 

I see wooing, yes, even in my impatience. And that I am. Impatient. I type that with a sly smile on my face. Oh, how to freely touch someone, reverence and slight belonging. Some of you lucky assholes don’t revel in the intimacy of free and safe touch these days, and I’m here to glare at you with my words. Complain not to me, fuckers. 

 I am a greedy mother fucker when it comes to the intimacies given to me, allowed to me, gained by me. I am a greedy mother fucker when it comes to the truth syrup of moments made safe. Safe. A laughable word in this current world. 

This lack of safety, and lack of physical affections makes me daydream of violence. A double edged sword I will not be shamed of. Accept me, my love, for exactly as I am. I live on the edge of fantasies of breaking bones, and sharp edges. 

Take my sweaty, conniving, tempted, argumentative, socially starved ass for what she is. Magnificent, learning, trying, the patron saint of failing. I will kiss your brow, and run my fingers through your hair, only to be pulled away wishing you the best as I’ll never see you again, or maybe just because sleep pulls me from you. 

I am finding with myself, moments given and taken away. I am my own keeper these last few years, a pandemic placing even more “responsibility” on my lap, distracted by my own care, I tend to move from here to there with the best of intention. We’ll see how long I can keep keeping. I have faith, but proof comes in reality I made a way too sour bunch of overnight pickles, and mouth puckered I refuse to give up on them. A talent or a torture? Who’s to decide. 

I lick my fingers after eating medium rare steak, I slice a lemon in half dunk it in sugar, and suck the sweet and bitter nature of it, no mercy, not even for myself. I pluck sun ripe tomatoes from the vines I planted and pop them in my mouth, braless, short shorts in my garden, dreaming of 15 acres and no visible neighbors. 

I dance through this apartment, not another soul stepping foot in residence in 133 days, I watch my 13 year old cat wither away daily, and my 2 year old cat chatter with birds on the other side of the screen window. I weep for the woman my grandmother was when I was 17, and I never knew. I weep for my mother as she gave me every good trait I posses, at the expense of her own path. 

I won’t lie to you. I learned how. I promise, I can lie prettier than most. My bottom lip going soft and shoulders dipping just how you’d like. Reading what you most like to hear. But it means nothing anymore, not my lies. They used to comfort. Not anymore. There’s nothing my half-heartedness will give to you that you couldn’t find on some corner of the internet. I won’t even lie to myself anymore, because she really doesn’t need that. 

I soak my hands in rain water, I leave those begging too much of a me, they’ll never see beyond their needs. 

I look in mirrors and love myself with words, and dance moves. I am training right this very moment for everyday for the rest of my life. 

I love myself with my mess, and my talents. The other side of this will surely not distract me from the true lessons learned this time around. 

I won’t be small, I won’t be quiet. I won’t be what someone demands of me, what someone desires of me because god fuck, damn, how fucking terrible to be a projection of someone else’s half-formed opinions, or their understanding. 

I will be the dark and terrifying thunderstorm rolling in, I am the break in humidity. I am the sweat rolling down your chest. I am the tickled of your hair on your neck. I am the way your ass shakes on a jump and skip. I am the flooded lawn, I am the wasp that sneaks into your open window. I am the corner taken a tad too fast on the backroads. I am the crunch of a garden cucumber in your mouth. I am olive oil, fattening you up, I am the perfect piece of ice on your tongue. I am the slippery grilled corn on the cob you’re delighted to eat. I am the flash floods that you watch cautiously on the road. I am the movie you devour to fill your soul when it feels empty. I am the sunset after a fucked day. I am foremost these things to myself, and I’d like to maybe someday be those things for you. Or maybe just one or two. 

[icharchivist]

Hi same nonny as usual haha! You asked for my thoughts on the spring troupe so now that I've finished the summer troupe debut I'm going to knock out two birds with one stone! I liked summer troupe a lot more then spring troupe. Not that I didn't like spring troupe! I just think that they didn't really communicate with each other?

The only reason why sakuyas issue with swordfighting was resolved was because masumi happened to be eavesdropping on a convo with the director, and why someone knew about itarus injury was because of citron noticing. I'm not saying there was no communication at all these two issues just. Bothered me so much the swordfighting one a lot more then the injury. The thing that bothers me about the injury is that itaru wasn't like. Told off for not telling anyone about his injury. Cause he could have seriously damaged his foot or something. I get that in the future there's probably going to be character development for itaru that lets him open up more to his troupemates. The swordfighting one just felt like a cop out to have a "moment" between sakuya and the director instead of having sakuya discuss that stuff with his troupe (which, bleh do not care for the characters flirting with the director at all. wish it wasn't there but I get why they do it.)

Despite my griping I did really enjoy spring troupe! They were fun! They just felt less trusting of each other then summer troupe at the end of day. And I get that char Dev will prob happen bout that but still haha. That's my thoughts on spring troupe! I could just be horribly misremembering the entire episode but oh well!

I know I said I'd also do summer troupe in this ask but it's already horribly long and I'm writing this on my phone. I'll get to that later. Thanks for reading my rambling that has not been proofread at all or edited. Hopefully it makes some sense hahaha. Thanks for introducing me to a3 it's tons of fun.

aaahh thanks for sharing!!!

honestly i kinda get where you’re coming from. I really love Spring, but it’s especially now in insight of their development. On first read, i think the thing especially was that the chapter was more about setting up some of the most major issues of the universe (the debts, the way  to arrange themselves in that new environment ect..) that therefore the characters issues may be not as focused as the others chapters?

(also for character flirting with MC there will be only 2 in main stories that do that a lot, one of which is Masumi, and the other isn’t much flirting as just hopelessly in love. Not much we can do about it but honestly once you move on from spring if this really holds you down, it will ease off at least, even if there’s a few thingss here and there stil)

Summer was the moment i really fell in love with the game, i really, really adore Summer’s dynamic and it was just. so good to go through.

As for the things you bring up about Spring, on one hand on first read i think i get you, but yeaaaah in insight of all we learn about the characters, it’s really not that far fetched ahah.

For Sakuya imo it’s really just that he freaked out because of his abandon issues and i don’t really see him discussing it with Spring yet at this point? Like. Sakuya is terrified of not being good enough and being abandoned as a result, like all of his relatives ever did. So he tries to compensate. When Masumi just brought up that they’ll just replace him, i don’t find it far fetched that Sakuya freaked out about it and failed to explain it to Masumi at the time. 

Those very same issues also lead Sakuya to hold on everything bad ever to himself. The reason he opens up to Izumi, more than her just coming to him there, is that she already proved before that she wasn’t willing to abandon him, if only by how she took up the theater because of his passion to start with. And, just, timingwise. 

And i think Sakuya wouldn’t have taken reassurances from his others troupesmates who have already made clear they believed in him, because i think Sakuya would be more crushed with the idea that they’re just being polite and kind with him. Because he knows he’s failing and the others’s way to reassure him would probably have made it worse. He needed reassurance 1) from the director who at this point has already started to be giving more constructive critisms, 2) Masumi, who’s the one who caused those insecurities by the fact he doesn’t hold back. But i don’t see him reach of to Masumi with how hostile Masumi has been to everyone up until that point. (i have more thoughts but that’d be me overreading it too but dKJFDLKF a3 makes my brain go brr)

As for Masumi, this kid has serious communication issues (only child with no friends and no parents around? oof) and i don’t think he would have reached out to Sakuya or even figured something was wrong otherwise.

Are those just easy way out for the writers? maybe, but that’s just how writing is isn’t it? if you want to make even some “artificial” conflict, you need to make it believable why this conflict exist even in the first place. 

Honestly the swordfighting issue doesn’t strike like that to me, and those are all about things that are shown in the Spring chapter itself, but i suppose since i also know those things are expended on, it does add a layer of “this was made with depth for their characters in mind” imo.

Also i think if Masumi hadn’t eardropped, Izumi would have talked to him about it, being the mediator and all of that, and i think Masumi would have understood then. I don’t think Masumi was unwilling to understand, but that he lacked the groundwork to understand it. and we mostly were spared from having to repeat the scene with Izumi telling him about it.

Idk if i see Sakuya managing to tell it to Masumi even after this talk? I think Sakuya is the kind to take all of his pain in silence and assume responsibilities for everything that goes wrong, and i don’t think he would have felt comfortable opening up with that, especially since, as he tells Izumi, he genuinely feels like *he’s* the failure about it (and as Izumi tells him, it’s not his fault if others people don’t try either. Sakuya was made to believe that he had to take full responsibility when a relationship doesn’t work because of his relatives, and i think he was set on doing the same with this Massu’s situation, and the reason he could share it with Izumi is because she’s not the person he’s taking responsibility for). On top of that, Sakuya remains Masumi’s elder, and Sakuya does want to be someone people rely on - he wants to be a big brother figure, and i think he wouldn’t have wanted or known how much of this responsibility he could share with Masumi knowing that. And i don’t think it’s healthy! but it’s perfectly understandable from Sakuya’s perspective and the specific way he shoulders responsibilities because i will fistfight his family his family sucked.

As for Itaru, on this one we only got the reveals about how deep this lack of trust Itaru had for people ran only recently, so imo early on you just need to take it at face value and hope when you get to know more, it’ll click. Realizing he doesn’t want to be alone anymore and wants to be more with Spring is a turning point from this set up about him, so he can only develop from here.

For why no one really told him off about it, i guess i can understand the grip ahah. imo i think everyone worried already enough that he was talking about leaving the company this was the priority to discuss and i do think talking about his ankle at that point may have not worked with the pacing of the emotional moment. I wouldn’t have minded seeing some of them being more worried about it in general though.

In the end the thing with Spring is that aside from Tsuzuru, they are all people who come from background where communication isn’t their forte. Sakuya fears he’s never good enough, Masumi never even had to face how lonely his life had made him until now (and i think he specifically lashes on the director because it’s the first time he feels like he wants a connection with anyone in his life and he doesn’t know what to do with it. I find his obsession creepy imo but i also see where it’s coming from), Itaru has severe trust issues and rather be solo in general, and Citron hides a lot about himself.

and i think, we have Tsuzuru has never been really alone ever, and he takes a lot of responsibility, (though there’s a few things about his background we learn later that shows he still has similar struggles than the rest of his troupe regarding some.. broken connection, which he vagues at in the Spring chapter (... which is something i only noticed on my reread knowing that so i wouldn’t blame you for not catching it))  but he’s also trying to do things for himself for once in his life. Ultimately he knows how to communicate more in general but he has that going on for him, and especially, i think his way to communicate or connect may be too foreign for the rest of the troupe for a smooth connection off the bat.

All of them are trying to connect in their own ways coming from those complicated feelings they have about connection imo... and i do find it fascinating. 

I see Spring a lot like, the kids who had to grow up too fast and the adults who are unhappy with where their adult lives have taken them and the expectations pushed upon them who yet are trying to cope on their own mostly because they have reasons to feel unsafe otherwise. (Tsuzuru is a bit in between imo bc he’s not “unsafe” yet and he’s already taking himself back in hands with the expectations things, but anyway, i am. trying to keep it short, believe it or not) And they’re still navigating where that leaves them as people, and where that leaves them in their connection with others, and especially with each other because in the end they’re all yearning to connect especially with one another, and just don’t know how to reconcile this desire with who they have been all this time to cope through all of this.

All of this is present in the Spring intro chapter but ^^” i could imagine that without having the full picture those aren’t things that may be easily picked up as important for their characterizations. But honestly there’s a throve of details in the writing to flesh them out when you know where to look and i find it fascinating. (but also i like. relived this chapter 5 times, 4 of which after i’ve seen most of their development, and my first read is so long ago i think i just overthink everything DLKJFDLKF and like, Spring was one of my least favorite at first read bc i struggled to connect with them, so it’s not like i don’t get you, it’s just. nowadays, spring is care spring is love and i cry over their intro chap a lot.)

Anyway i guess i get what you felt still, but, idk maybe i feel strongly about it ahah, i like the way the characters stand out from one another even in the moments that are probably just.. stupid, but in a “they wouldn’t know how to do better because of what’s holding them back” way.

i feel like “lack of communication” is a problem every troupe have to various degree and for different reasons, but the whole thing is about trying to figure out how to fix that and work it with them. Some are more forward than others (like, Summer, mostly because Tenma and Yuki are stubborn and loud and straightforward in their own way)(”than others” i have so much to say about this i’m holding back dLKFJD) but i think it depends also a lot on some thematic it wants to tackle and the spirit of the characters in each troupe. It changes as the story progresses but yeah after all, they are all strangers. And while the game mentions they have a few months to prepare for their play, it was reckoned that every play takes one month to prepare, so it doesn’t really give a lot of time on their first play to really figure out everything they need to work on.

Spring, in essence, as a season, is about blooming back after Winter, after sadness and hardship, and learning how to slowly open up again. So imo their intro chap have to reflect that slow progress for them. While Summer can afford to be more loud, straight to the point (and even there it’s not always easy), Summer is full of learning from their mistake, living in the Now, in the Moment. So their season thematic reflects a bit in their intro chap at least. (ofc they all grow from there though but that’s still interesting imo).

anyway i rambled LDFJDLKFJFDLK

I didn’t mean it in a way to say your reading is invalid though!! sorry if it feels that way, i’ve tried rewriting it a few times DLKFJDLFK i just have a lot of emotions about Spring and the points you mentioned made me think about some stuff about it. 

ANYWAY

if you want to share your thoughts about summer too and the rest you’re always welcomed o7 i’m glad you’re still enjoying your stay, and i hope you’ll keep enjoying the ride!

And Take care!

[hoaxsen]

| angst has been coming to me easy now and idk how to feel about that.

| tw; character death, in depth talk of death, mentions of blood and other gruesome parts, season three spoilers.

| word count; 1.8k.

It was all over, spreading like a plague inside the walls upon their arrival. The victory of Wall Maria, along with the near extinction of the Scouts. How many supplies were lost during it? How much destruction was there while it all went down? Does anyone have a true number on how many bodies were being carried back on those flatbed carts after that expedition? 

They were mostly parts of bloodied and mangled things, some weren't even able to be called a body. More like a massive piles of mixed dirt, debris and whatever part of the human body there could be. One hundred and ninety nine people, turned into one enormous jigsaw puzzle that anyone has ever seen. How many carts were used for that, and which cart did this specific body rest upon? 

This body held the features of bright blue eyes, that the captain of the Scouts could sometimes find himself staring into for hours on end. Unknowingly at that. Blonde hair just swept back and kept so neat with its undercut. Sometimes Levi wonders if it was soft to the touch, it doesn't look to be hard, or dirty. Just right, minus those brows. If anything there were times where Levi wanted to trim the blonde bricks of hair off Erwin's face himself. 

Now, days like that will never come. For the sole purpose, of Erwin Smith being deceased. Giving his life up to his stupid cause and dream, this isn't what Levi meant by plundering your dream and lead those crying brats to hell. Was it selfish of him to think that Erwin might come back alive for him? It was, wasn't it? The man having to live through this shit as the leader, making gambles that no one knew how the hell they paid off. Let's not forget about the cadets and soldiers lost along the way in his gambles. A devil among men, though it was Levi wanting to be the one to raise hell right now. Bring a darker hell to the one on this very Earth for the fact that he chose to revive Armin instead of Humanity's Hope. 

Cold, and hardened steel grey hues watched as his body was pulled away, riding alongside on his own horse with this cart. Levi felt only himself at fault, what if he did revive Erwin? Despite the small specks of rocks, falling out and shredded intestines, and lack of life in the blonde's eyes, how would he look taking on the power of the colossal titan? Would he have looked the same as the treacherous Bertholdt, or better? If anything, he'd be alive right now. . .fighting a war once more in this hell. Yes, it was selfish, but Levi Ackerman had his reasons to be selfish in a time like this. Bringing back Erwin instead of Armin wasn't just going to be for humanity, it was also going to be for his own desires. To stop toying with the feelings the ravenette has for the blonde, to stop the daily lies about his ' small crush ' being just a phase. 

The captain never even got to make good on his promise before the commander passed. Wanting so hard and bad to end the Beast Titan, to make him feel the pain Erwin did before his final moments. Hopefully that chance comes back for him some other time. How badly Levi needs it, it'd only be fitting since Erwin gave up his dream for the wall retake to even have happened and succeed. 

For all Levi could do now, was regret and hope that Erwin's funeral would bring him into a small state of piece. Since the ex-commander was already in a permanent state of his own, never to be disturbed. The Ackerman slowly starts to wonder to himself, which kind of suit would really bring out a dead man's eyes? For blue, it had to be a subtle white, right? An ashen grey? Whatever color it was going to be, Levi knew he'd detest it. Knowing it'll be the final suit he sees Erwin in. 

Fast forward a bit to the lowering of the old Scouts' commander into the ground, Levi stayed behind a little ways after the ceremony. Standing before Erwin's grave, a short sigh leaving him as he placed a hand on Erwin's tombstone. 

Erwin Smith 

xxxx - xxxx 

Humanity's Beacon of Hope.

The words Levi read over, and over, and over again. Humanity's Hope, snuffed out a little ways too soon. Levi just had to wake up and face the music, it was bound to happen one day or another. He just wishes that day came a little later than this. Brushing his hand over the words, better now to say this before he keeps it inside for too long. He already regrets not saying this to him when he was alive. 

" How many of these have we attended for our fallen? Now look at you, dumbass. Right there with them, tell Petra I said hi when you see her. " 

His last chance to say this all know, because whatever God out there knows that Levi wouldn't visit Erwin's grave again after this. For the small grudge he'd hold against himself for using the syringe on Armin. 

" I followed you into the fire, made it out with a few scrapes. Though you were burned, still had the guts to carry on more bravely than me. . .even make a choice with that odd line. ' What if there is humanity outside the walls. ' Or some shit like that, and then I realized, and knew. . .that was how you were plundering your dreams and leading those crying brats to hell. " 

Unbeknownst to the captain, he wasn't alone. Just standing from afar, was another grieving heart. Armin Artlet, another soul wanting to say an unspoken peace to their old commander. But ended up seeing Levi there before him. 

" It's not fair you know, Erwin. Or that just might be me being selfish right now, yeah sounds like it. A biased opinion, since I fucking loved you and didn't have the guts to say it. Wanna know why? Cause I'm a coward. Since people I love keep leaving me in ways like this, death. Am I that detestable that death is the only way out? Gotta be, shitty way to go if you ask me, but probably your only way. Call it a curse, I guess. Sadly shit like this happens in the fucked world. I didn't even want to use it on Artlet, but you made your choice. So I had to make mine, fucking bastard. " 

Now that was a surprise to the little eavesdropper in the back, covering his mouth with his hand to not make a sound. Azure eyes bugging out of his head as the captain droned on. Armin himself wasn't even sure why he was saved, wouldn't Erwin have been a better pick? The power of the titan wasted on him, that's how it sounded. On the bright side, the colossal titan was in their arsenal with Eren's titan. Just with the wrong user in Artlet's mind. 

" It's not fair, you asshole. You get your peace, and leave me behind in this hell with a bunch of brats! Yes, they can pull their own weight. But you're not leading them anymore, instead it's gonna be someone else who can't live up to your name. All because I got emotional and saved that runt, when I knew, even with Hanji, that you were the better pick! A massive fuck up on my end, but then a small lived victory right? We have another titan ready to fight for us when needed. But I want you here! It's not fair, you trusted me to do the right thing with that weird liquid, and I don't know if I did! I promised myself that I'd follow you wherever, why did you have to go somewhere I can't go yet?! You and your stupid gambles, well make one with the devil down there and win, come back goddamn it! " 

At this point, Levi was screaming to a grave on the verge of tears. From standing to dropping on his knees, the turned up dirt from a freshly dug hole in the ground was staining his pants. Giving him the feelings of touching the underground floors, though this time he didn't care. Fighting back an attack of tears, his hands digging into the soil and gripping it. Dirt being trapped in his fingernails, a fierce look on his face with a few stray falling tears from his eyes. 

" I promise you, I'll make that sonva bitch pay. Along with aiding in to see that your final goal, your final dream is fulfilled. Even if I have to  die to make that happen. " 

It was a footstep, and the use of sharp senses that brought Levi out of his moment. Spinning around quick as could be, just to be met with a crying, tear stained face of one of his cadets. This was Levi's moment of vulnerability, being seen by Armin as if privacy wasn't a thing. Though now, the man couldn't hold it against the boy, dusting off himself to be free of the dirt and grime. Levi sent Armin a small glare, no words have been spoken yet, and not one really knew what to say. 

" Captain . . . I'm sorry, but you should have us--. " 

" Can it brat, I dunno how much you heard, and I hate repeating myself. But I'll make an exception, Erwin made his choice. I acted on it, now you might have to step up to bat. " 

Levi's words drew a small gasp from Armin, making him want to roll his eyes. 

" No one can live up to be Erwin, but I trust that you know what you're doing. Don't make me regret saving you now. " 

" Y-Yes sir! But can I ask a question? " 

That made a brow raise on Levi's face, a sign for Armin to carry on with what he was saying. The boy had to take a deep breath to even get the first word out. It almost made Levi scoff at a time like this. 

" Y-You l-love Commander Erwin, sir? Is-Is that true? " 

The stuttering fool really had the balls to ask. The captain almost looked impressed, but at the same time angered somewhat. 

" Yeah, I loved him, Artlet. A main factor playing on in why I wanted to use the syringe on him. But something happened during it, like I said. Don't make me regret it. " 

All he got was a frantic nod from the other blonde, even a salute for some reason. Levi responded with his own nod back, figuring now that his time alone with Erwin was up. Looking behind him at that grave, he sighed, his eyes narrowing somewhat. 

' Don't worry, Erwin. You won't be along for long, I said I'd follow you right? Into that same fire I'll soon be going. ' 

He whispered out, making his way to leave now. Going as far as to pat a startled Armin on the shoulder. His own line echoing inside his head to help cope with this, just tweaked a bit this time. 

' Plunder all your dreams, and lead those crying brats to victory. In his name. ' 

[daily-dose-of-imagines]

ᴍɪꜱᴜɴᴅᴇʀꜱᴛᴀɴᴅɪɴɢꜱ ᴀɴᴅ ᴛʜᴇ ᴛʀᴜᴛʜ | ᴍᴀᴛꜱᴜᴋᴀᴡᴀ x ꜰ!ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ | [ᴀᴅᴍɪɴ ᴋᴏ & ᴀᴅᴍɪɴ ᴛ ᴄᴏʟʟᴀʙ]

Hello hello~! This goes out to our anon from when we first reached 1000 followers! We apologize this took so long to get out, but here it is! Long story short, as we reached our 1000 count we had received this request from one of our followers~! Admin T and I had then decided to put a collaborative effort to write this out~! It’s quite long, but we really hope you like it!

Writing wise, Admin T was the POV of lovely reader, and I was the POV of Matsukawa~! 

Again, thank you so much for the love and support you all have given us~! We really appreciate it~!

» » Admin 𝕋 & Admin ᴋᴏ

»»————-　♡　————-««

She always loved him. From the very first time they met, to the first time he held her in his arms when she felt like the world was collapsing around her. He was her best friend, advisor, confidant, right-hand man. His name was like chocolate on her tongue; sweet, delightful, and always made her giddy when she tasted it. He made her chest tightened with a heat she had never felt for anybody else, a feeling she never wanted to let go of. His touch, his laugh, his words. All of it was everything and anything she ever wanted.

But, she couldn’t tell him, She couldn’t even utter the words “I love you,” too afraid of what the result could be. Too afraid she would lose her best friend, her confidant, her right-hand man. It would be lonely, without him.

And that is something she could never live with. 

Intimidating and ever the observant male, it comes to the surprise of many-- mainly his teammates-- when he announces his feelings for their manager. She was, in short, the only one who could ever make his heart flutter in the most unexplainable ways. A smile worth a thousand words. Brilliant (e/c) hues that could without a doubt light up even the darkest of rooms. It was cheesy without a doubt. Even Matsukawa couldn’t grasp the fact that he was feeling such emotions. 

Yet why hadn’t he confessed his emotions? Even Oikawa, the residential ‘popular with the ladies’ captain had sat down with him in hopes of persuading the middle blocker to confront his own emotions. With their captain talking to him, the team was sure that the male would follow through. Instead, they were all delivered a shock when Oikawa had announced that they should mind their business and to allow their middle blocker to go at his own pace. No matter how painful and irritating it was.

When questioned why the response was simple: 

“She deserves better than me.” 

A heavy atmosphere would soon follow the softly spoken phrase and the conversation itself would be dropped. Noticing this, the middle blocker would avidly navigate the conversation out of the awkward silence that would follow after being pestered about his -- what he liked to call -- lack of a love life.

Despite this, the usually easy-going giant couldn’t read the signals being sent his way. The obvious signs that were practically being smacked in his face flew right over his head. 

Before any of his teammates could elaborate as to why (y/n) and him are the perfect couple, Matsukawa’s crush lightly knocked on the locker room door, then opened it, looking around cautiously. “Sorry to interrupt whatever was going on, but I need to close the gym and locker soon, so I need you guys to hurry up.” (y/n) said to the team, glancing towards Matsukawa a couple of times, but never quite looking him in the eyes. 

“We’ll be out soon, (y/n), thank you.” Oikawa said in a sing-song voice, waving her off as she closed the door. But before it could fully block her view, she called out to Matsukawa. “I’ll be at the front of the school until you’re done so that we can walk home together. I have some important news to tell you.”

And with that, (y/n) gripped the doorknob and closed it, quickly walking away from the locker room. She grabbed her school bag, and let out a deep sigh, her heart beating way too fast for her liking. Telling Matsukawa she needed to talk to him was entirely improvised, she didn’t even know why she told him that. It wasn’t a lie, she did have something she needed to talk with him about, but (y/n) didn’t think she would tell them then and there. With everyone watching the two of them, their eyes boring into her face as she stumbled on her words. It was embarrassing to say the least. 

(y/n) heaved out another sigh and crouched down near the gate located in the front of the school, rubbing her forehead in exhaustion. Hopefully the guys don’t think anything of what she said and just let it go.

Of course, they didn’t let it go.

Back in the locker room, the boys all looked at each other, silently asking each other just what she needed to tell Matsukawa privately. “I wonder what she wants to tell you.” Oikawa piped up, voicing what everyone was thinking. He gazed over to Matsukawa, watching the flow of curiosity, suspicion, and anxiety flash through his eyes. Ever so slowly, Oikawa grinned, knowing exactly what was going to happen. “Well, since it’s just for your ears, Matsukawa, you better hurry up so you can figure it out, and then tell all of us!” He exclaimed, Matsukawa’s teammates whooping in agreement. 

Even with the cheerful and supportive atmosphere, the male in question couldn’t help but feel a sense of anxiety overwhelm him. He should’ve felt excited, nervous, hell even ecstatic. Instead, he felt an odd sense of dread build up in his throat as he could only thickly swallow the unwanted emotions. This itself was seen more so as a general nervous tick by the rest of his teammates as the congratulatory slaps to his back were nothing more than empty motions. Perhaps he was overthinking things, but even Matsukawa couldn’t deny the fact that despite his normal mellow and somewhat aloof attitude, he could still feel the strong emotions of jealousy and want.

It didn’t help that he had heard strange rumors circulating throughout the classes about (y/n). Initially speaking, Matsukawa didn’t seem to invest himself into her personal life; but as his crush on her grew and the relationship between them blossomed into something where it could go in either direction, he couldn’t help but feel the need to be involved in her everyday endeavors. 

“I’ll..be heading out first.” 

The slight tremble in his voice went unnoticed by his teammates-- and even if it was noticed, none felt the need to bring it up-- as he hurriedly packed his belongings before subconsciously making his way towards the front entrance. What exactly would she tell him? With all this mind-numbing thinking, the middle blocker hadn’t even noticed that he was brought before the beautiful sight of (y/n) leaning against the wall. 

It should’ve been cheesy. A cringe-worthy moment that anyone could say looked like a typical anime scene, but even with those accusations, Matsukawa couldn’t deny the fact that she looked ethereal. The warmth of the evening sun glow framed her features in a fairy-like way that made his heart skip a couple of beats. Perhaps he was overthinking this, maybe he should listen to her words instead of the baseless rumors that fluttered throughout the school.

“What did you need to tell me?”

“Oh--” (y/n) stuttered out, letting out a surprised squeak, “Jeez, don’t scare me like that.” She muttered, putting her hand on her chest, trying to get her breathing to become even again. “How about we start walking before I start talking. I need to, uh, build up my courage, so to speak.” She told him and smiled when he nodded his head in acceptance. (y/n) started to walk to the direction of her home, Matsukawa directly beside her, closer than usual. She could feel his heat from his body since he was so close. It made her own body tingle with the need for him to wrap his arms around her and make her feel safe and secure. But, she coughed into her hand, and distracted her mind from those types of thoughts. “So about the thing I wanted to talk to you about.” (y/n) started, making Matsukawa gaze down at her.

She saw a glimmer of something in his eyes when he peered down to her, though she couldn’t quite pin what the emotion was, but it didn’t look like anything positive. (y/n) watched as he fumbled with his school bag, shrugging back onto his shoulder, looking to the ground and then back to her. “Oh. Yeah. What is it?”

(y/n) chuckled at how uncomfortable he looked, but could also feel the discomfort rolling off her own body. “I--I have a date this weekend.”

A jolt of pain. One that he was unaccustomed to quickly shot down his spine as he fought the urge to suddenly clutch at his chest. He knew. Matsukawa knew very well that when she had asked for his appearance that something was going to be brought up. Whether it was good or bad, the middle blocker wasn’t sure, but the telltale sign of the gut-wrenching emotion he had felt earlier was suddenly unwelcome. Perhaps he should’ve avoided this. An excuse of sorts to avoid the inevitable. 

“...Is, is that so?”

The words felt foreign on his tongue. The voice that came out practically unrecognizable to the male as he forced a carefree smile on his face despite the raging waves of jealousy that splattered across his heart and mind. 

It should be me.

Simple yet complex in its way, the words stayed hidden in the depths of his mind as he forced his gaze away from her towards the breathtaking scenery. A chance to distract himself from the desires he locked away deep into his chest.

She witnessed as his eyebrows furrowed and his breathing stopped, but only for a moment. It looked like Matsukawa was going to vomit any time now. And as any good friend would do she stopped her walking and patted him on the back. “Hey, you okay? You suddenly got really pale and sick looking.” She asked, setting down her bag to further examine his condition.

He now looked like he was going to either cry or punch a wall. But, he didn’t move, just stood there, booking through her, as (y/n) tried to catch his attention. The setting sun was behind her, making the glisten of unshed tears more apparent to her than before. “Matsukawa, seriously, what’s wrong? Is it because I said I have a date this weekend? I’m sorry, I knew we were going to do something this weekend, but I totally forgot and when he asked me out, I completely blanked, and the fact that Oikawa of all people would ask me out. I was  shocked.” She explained, taking her hands away from his body and started to fidget.

A bitter taste decimated his taste buds as he fought the urge to show his clear displeasure at the newfound information. Though it wasn’t like it wasn’t unexpected, if he was being honest with himself Matsukawa had the aching feeling that this was part of Oikawa’s strange elaborate scheme. Though for what? The middle blocker wasn’t sure. It was true that Aoba Johsai didn’t have a manager -- much like any other volleyball team they’ve met; save for the select few -- thus the deliberate doting and strange protectiveness that he felt, and was sure his fellow teammates felt, was one of mutual understanding.

So why did he still feel this piercing pain in his chest? 

“Ah no, it’s not that. I just thought of something rather unpleasant. I didn’t mean to worry you. We can always move our plans, what matters is that you’re still able to live how you want to. I’m sure being the manager of the team and being a student has it’s woes. So if someone takes interest in you, you should try it. Right?”

A hypocritical statement. Mentally grimacing, Matsukawa made a mental note to follow his own advice. Even with that in mind, the sudden urge to call the team captain rang prominently in his mind, and before he knew it he began to project some of his subconscious thoughts.

“...not like I could treat you any better anyway…”

Soft and ghostlike, the words gently graced the space they shared. It took him a moment, but after realizing those words parted from his lips Matsukawa offered her a forced smile as an awkward laugh tumbled out of his mouth.

“Ah, sorry. Ignore what I said. I genuinely hope you enjoy your time with Oikawa-san, (y/n).” 

She watched his back as he continued to walk toward his home. She wanted to catch up and take him by the hand, tell him that she’ll cancel and they can just hang out in his room for the weekend. They can play his favorite games. 

But. That face. That horrible expression that contorted on his face made her want to cry. He looked like he was in so much pain. And the worst part is that she didn’t know why. She didn’t know how to help him. That’s all she wants to do. She never, ever, wants to see him like that.

Without thinking she started running toward him, taking him by the hand and pulling him back. “Matsu, What is wrong? Tell me, please.” she pleaded. He slowly inhaled, then exhaled before turning his body to face (y/n).

A jolt-- rather a sign that brought him out of his haze induced state. Slowly he brought his gaze to her. Impenetrable dark brown orbs bore deeply into her own (e/c) as he couldn’t help but feel a smile grace his features. Why? Matsukawa wasn’t quite sure himself. In all honesty, it felt natural to him. 

“...it’s nothing munchkin. You know me if there was something on my mind I’d tell you the moment I’ve gathered my bearings. Stop being such a worrywart.”

Despite the jovial and teasing tone that escaped his lips, Matsukawa couldn’t help but feel a headache begin to formulate in the back of his mind. It was without a doubt that once in the comfort of his own room he’d have a chat with his captain. 

“Come on, let’s get you home before you get lost. The team would have my head if I let our only manager get lost on her way home.”

She saw that he didn't want to talk about it. The way he smiled and how strained it was, she knew it was the end of the discussion.

So, she played along. She played along because whatever was happening, she didn't want it to explode in her face. "I could never get lost, not with you here, right?" She said, putting on her own fake smile. (Y/n) started walking again, this "time using a faster pace than usual. 

She went ahead of Matsukawa, so he wouldn't have to see her face, and the way it showed her confusion and pain. It was silent between them, her best friend not saying anything and neither did she. What could she say anyway? It was starting to become awkward and if she were to sputter a phrase out now, it would just be even more awkward. 

And for the rest of the way, until she stood in front of her home, with Matsukawa beside her, did she say something. "Well, I'll tell you all about the date when it's over, okay?" She told him, hoping for some type of positive response that didn't result in Matsukawa pursing his lips to hide the continuous pained expression.

Another pang of guilt pierced his heart as he couldn’t help but feel a wave of sorrow overtake his mood as he kept his gaze from her distant form. Despite this, the middle blocker pushed forth with a gentle smile and his usual calm and leisurely soothing tone of voice. 

“I expect all the juicy details. You wouldn’t keep them all from me now, would you?”

The teasing remark came by briskly, a change in which he hoped would lighten the dampened mood that begrudgingly made itself well known between the pair on their journey of dropping one another off. 

"Of course I will. We are friends after all. I tell you everything!" (Y/n) said then waved him off before going inside her to take a well deserved bath.

Returning the wave with a slight gesture of his own hand, Matsukawa watched as she hurriedly rushed into her home. Once she disappeared behind the wooden door, the male finally turned in the direction of his own home before finally making the quick journey home. Throughout the small trip, his mind was muddled. Emotions of all sorts ranging from raging jealousy to utter confusion and lastly betrayal intermingled with one another in his heart as a storm brewed over his head. 

Upon arriving home, the middle blocker made a direct beeline for his bedroom. A couple of half-hearted spoken words of return were given to his parents as he brushed past their curious expressions. Once the door to his bedroom clicked shut, a breath he didn’t know he was holding was finally released as he slumped against the sturdy frame.

“What the hell is he even thinking…”

With a shake of his head, Matsukawa pushed himself off of the door and towards his bed. Along the way, he let his backpack slowly drag itself down from his shoulder and onto the floor as he fished his phone out of his pocket. A moment barely passed as his fingers had instinctively dialed the captain’s phone number as he free-fell onto his bed. The dull thump that echoed in his room became nonexistent as he hyper-focused on the ringing dial tone. Distracted brown pupils found themselves searching for something-- anything to keep him from blowing up the moment Oikawa answered the phone; and luckily a peculiar speck on his wall managed to serve as a perfect distraction as Oikawa’s voice rang clearly into his ears.

“Ya-hoo~ Mattsu-kun~!”

“...Captain.”

“Eh? Why the cold shoulder? Didn’t you like what our lovely manager told you?”

“Cut the bullshit and explain yourself before I tell Iwaizumi-san what’s going on.”

He didn’t mean to sound like a jealous boyfriend-- but the instinct came almost naturally. It wasn’t a secret that Oikawa had a Fanclub, nor was it a secret that he had quite the flirtatious streak. It just riled up the middle blocker. Out of all the girls, why did it have to be her? Oikawa was well aware of his feelings for her, so why? The confusion and bitter feeling he felt did nothing but stay in the forefront of his mind as he barely paid a dime to Oikawa’s pointless blathering.

That was until the captain said something he never expected to hear.

“This was part of my plan to get you and (y/n) together you know! I didn’t think our Matsu-kun would get so jealous and protective so easily~ It’s admirable~!”

“...Plan?”

“Were you not paying attention? Oh, how my heart aches! My own teammate is not even paying attention to his captain when he’s giving you such wonderful advice!”

“Cut the dramatics and explain...please.”

“Hehe~ Well since you asked so kindly, the plan was going to be me asking her out, but you’d be the one actually attending the date!”

“...huh?”

“Oh come on, you can’t tell me it isn’t foolproof! It also gives you the chance to properly confess! I expect to see great news this coming Monday! Now I have to go~ there’s a new theory on extraterrestrials coming out and I’m making Iwa-chan watch with me after this volleyball match!”

Before he could even get a word in, the line went dead as nothing but silence filled his ears. It took him a moment, but as Matsukawa finally processed the information he was presented a flush of red finally overtook his features as he brought an arm up to shield his eyes as he couldn’t contain the giddy smile that now graced his features.

Despite the chaotic mess that his captain had managed to scrounge up, it seemed that he had a good heart. Even with his quirky attitude and flamboyant personality, the captain of Aoba Johsai never failed to bring all sorts of challenges to the team. 

“Damn you Oikawa, you could’ve at least warned a guy before you decide to act like cupid…”

Once properly calmed down, the male persistently texted the alien fanatic of a captain, the underlying details of said conversation being that he had to prepare for the new upcoming date with (y/n). The only thing that really sat in his mind now was giving her the perfect confession he could muster up whilst giving her a wonderful first date. 

That following weekend, Matsukawa began his morning bright and early. The questionable looks his parents gave him became ones of utter glee and mischief as they watched their son prepare for his first date. The small and adoring antics of perfecting his outfit whilst mannerisms were overlooked by his parents as they gave him a knowing smile. 

Even if he wanted to say something in defense, the middle blocker couldn’t help but shy away at his parents’ knowing glances. With a brisk wave and a mention of his leave, Matsukawa made his way towards the designated meeting spot that Oikawa had originally planned for. With his heart beating erratically in his chest and the sudden rush of adrenaline that flooded his veins, he couldn’t help but feel a sense of fear and excitement as he neared the familiar scenery of the town plaza.

Wearing a long flowery dress, (y/n) nervously walked to the nearby town plaza , where she was planning to meet Oikawa for their date. The dressed up girl didn't get a lot of sleep last night, her nerves keeping her up. She didn't even like Oikawa, but she needed to do this. To forget about Matsukawa, so that her and Matsukawa could remain friends, and not ruin their relationship. 

Gripping her purse, she continued to the designated location, looking left and right to see if she can find her date. Huffing, she stomped around the plaza, peering around people to see if she can find Oikawa. But surprisingly, she found her best friend instead, sporting a nice button up and jeans. Tilting her head, she saw him fidget with his shirt before looking around, then making eye contact with (y/n), smiling at her, his eyes gleaming.

She started walking toward him, still confused as to why he was there. "Matsu, what are you doing here?" She asked him. 

Heavenly. That’s all he could think of as his gaze fell on her confused form. To him, it was endearing to see the tilt of her head. The light change in the pitch of her voice as she questioned his sudden appearance. Instinctively, he walked towards her with his hands in his pockets. Though when finally faced before her, he removed one of his hands. A brisk move and he suddenly found himself gently ruffling her hair as an endearing smile graced his features.

“Something that I should’ve originally taken into my own hands. Don’t tell this to him, but he has my thanks for today.”

Before she could further interrogate him, he went to gently grasp her hand. Almost instantly, he felt a sense of warmth flood his heart as he wove their fingers together. A light blush dusted his cheeks as he gave her another smile before gently tugging her along.

“Besides, I’m pretty certain that I can prove to you that I can be a much better date than Oikawa. Now let’s go, don’t think I forgot about your tendencies to forget to eat when you’re nervous (y/n).”