#very fun situation to see from the outside without any horse in this race

[vonlipvig]

i know nothing about br1dgerton and apparently there's some drama brewing on twitter because they genderbent a character and potentially made that couple gay women and the book fans are mad, and like, without any knowledge of the source material and what that would entail, i kinda understand at least some of the outrage? i mean, i'm not naive, i know they're probably just homophobic which sucks ass, but i'm someone who's annoying as all shit about adaptations and would probably be miffed by any minuscule change (tho i'd then watch the show and probably be like OH! ok it wasn't bad yay), so like...i get it.

...and then i saw a passage from the book about this originally male character and oh no. this can't be the hill you're choosing to die on. c'mon.

[sweetsmellosuccess]

The Best Films of 2020

The 15 Best Films of 2020

Normally, when I assess a full year of cinematic offerings, I consider both sides of that coin  —  the outstanding entities, and the least successful —  but the year of our lord two thousand and twenty provided more than enough misery for all of us, I do believe. Ergo, in my own small way to bring better vibes into the universe, for this year’s round-up, I’m staying solely on the positive tip, highlighting those films whose unfortunate release date during the Year of the Hex shouldn’t preclude them for being fully appreciated. Let’s take a year off from negativity and schadenfreude, shall we, and just stroll amongst the poppies and bright sunshine of some of the best releases of the year.  

15. The Invisible Man

“Leigh Whannell’s film is thoroughly modern in approach and sophistication, but the film it most reminded me of was made back in 1944. George Cukor’s Gaslight starred Charles Boyer as a loathsome husband who attempts to convince his already anxious wife (Ingrid Bergman) that she’s going insane by secretly rearranging things in their house and taking things from her so she thinks she’s always misplacing them. He preys on her emotional vulnerability in order to mask his own pathology and emotional detachment. The effect is absolutely enraging: Onscreen, he’s one of the more hateful villains ever committed to celluloid.”

Full Review

14. The Killing of Two Lovers

“From the opening sequence, with a distraught, estranged husband standing over the bed of his wife and her new boyfriend with malice in his heart, and a gun in hand, the film spirals out into incredibly well structured compositions, taking us inside and outside of David’s recurring psychosis, utilizing a bevy of techniques: The framing shrinks down around him, the sound gets muffled, as if underwater, save for the incredibly unnerving metallic sound of cables being stretched taut, and the sickening kathunk of a heavy car door slamming shut.”

Capsule Review

13. Another Round

“Typically, Vinterberg avoids simple conclusions  —  and God help us all if this film gets picked up by a U.S. studio and remade with, say, Vince Vaughn, Kevin James, Steve Buscemi, and Chris Rock  —  providing more or less equal examples of the delirious fun drinking with your friends can be (the film opens with a group of high schoolers gleefully doing “lake races” whereby teams compete to drink a case of beer while running around the nearby body of water; and closes with the same teen crew, and some of their teachers, whooping it up in celebrating their graduation); and the horrorshow it can become (one teacher ends up peeing the bed, and on his wife in the process, another wakes up bloodied and out of it in front of his neighbor’s house), leading to very real and horrible consequences.”

Capsule Review

12. Soul

“Co-director Pete Docter is the creative force behind many of Pixar's best titles, having a hand in the Toy Story franchise, WALL-E, Up, and also directing Inside Out, a brilliantly moving treatise on the subject of emotional upheaval. This film, which he co-wrote and made along with fellow co-director Kemp Powers, is his first film back at the helm since that high-water mark, and he has again dug into the fertile earth of our mortality and come back with a particularly vibrant crop.”

Full Review

11. The Burnt Orange Heresy

“Based on the novel by Charles Willeford, the film briskly moves through its paces, clouding the waters with the schemes of duplicitous men, who have sold out any love of art for their greater obsession of cash and prestige. A literary thriller in the vein of The Talented Mr. Ripley, it’s become a genre all too rare in the era of blockbuster bravado. This film will remind you what a mistake that is.”

Full Review

10. Lovers Rock

“In the course of the party, the fuses blow while the house DJ is spinning Janet Kay's "Silly Games," a fan favorite at the time. Undaunted, the guests continue dancing away, singing the lyrics a capella in delirious unison, as McQueen's camera swirls around the living room as if nothing happened. Such a heartfelt moment of unbridled togetherness, putting into distinct bas relief the sense of community we've been denied as a species in 2020, feels like a benediction, an epitaph for the year, and a salve for what we've all been so desperately missing.”

Capsule Review

9. Time

“Ostensibly, it’s about the strain of incarceration on even the most grounded of families (an experience naturally disproportionate for POCs); but, on a deeper level, it’s also about the manner of our use of the limited number of revolutions we get to enjoy situated on this earth. It is a profound knock-out.”

Full Review

8. New Order

“Meet the new boss, only in Michel Franco’s damning portrait of a society locked forever in cycles of oppression, revolution, and new oppression, it makes no difference who you are, what your belief system is, or whether or not you subscribe to a moral set of ethics.”

Capsule Review

7. Dick Johnson is Dead

“Utilizing stunt people and special effects, Johnson kills her father off a number of different gruesome ways, as a means of softening the blow of actually losing him as his mind slowly slips away. This eventually culminates in a final gambit, both acutely painful and deeply moving, in which our sense of things gets seriously upended. As Johnson put it during the post-screening Q&A, the film serves as a “doomed experiment trying to keep my father alive forever.” This film won’t make him immortal, alas, but it does make him indelible.”

Capsule Review

6. Martin Eden

“Marcello packs the film with offbeat bits and pieces of other films, including strips of what appear to be vintage home movies, sometimes in juxtaposition to what Martin is feeling  —  a group of kids swinging wildly from the bar of a fence, to a full galley ship taking in water and suddenly sinking like an iron ingot – which adds a more winsome, timeless element to the narrative. It’s clearly set in the past, but avoids being too dependent on that particular sense of place and time. Martin is a young man, at first, just coming into himself, and the actions he takes, what he goes through, the film seems to suggest, would be similar in any age.”

Full Review

5. Minari

“The film is certainly charming, but that’s not to diminish its straightforward approach to its characters’ plight. It doesn’t shy away from their difficulties, and as a result, it doesn’t cheat towards smarmy emotional closure.”

Capsule Review

4. Collective

“The breath of hope in the film, when the inept Minister of Health resigns, leading to the placing of a new, emboldened director who works quickly to clean the quagmire left by his predecessors, is just as quickly expelled after the next round of elections, in which the Social Democrat party  —  the very ones in charge of this catastrophe in the first place  —  gets re-elected with an even greater majority than what they had before. A perfect reflection of what happens when a government is allowed to exist without any meaningful oversight, other than from a bedraggled press and a disenchanted electorate.”

Full Review

3. First Cow

“Reichardt, a naturalist at heart, is not known much as a humorist, but there is a lightness to her screenplay -- co-written by Jonathan Raymond, her frequent collaborator, who wrote the original novel upon which its based -- that keeps it as sweetly airy as one of Cookie's fried confections. The two friends are so out of step with their surroundings -- the party of men Cookie initially travels with are little more than brutish thugs, and the fort upon which they end up is no better -- they almost had to find each other. They are reunited in the local bar of the fort only because literally every other patron runs out to egg on a brawl between two loutish combatants.”

Full Review

2. Never Rarely Sometimes Always

“Hittman’s eye for detail and emotional complexity  —  her characters can rarely articulate anything they’re experiencing  —  is incredibly acute, and she pulls tremendously understated performances out of her two leads.”

Capsule Review

1. Nomadland

“Perhaps no American director since Terrance Malick has made more of the collapsing light of dusk and twilight than Chloe Zhao. Much of her new film, which stars Frances McDormand as a transigent woman (“not homeless, houseless”), who traverses back and forth across the west in her beat up live-in van, doing seasonal work, takes place in that particular kind of vibrant half-darkness that shrouds the desert and its mountains with a magic kind of mystery.”

Capsule Review

Other Worthy Mentions: 7500; Assassins; Bacurau; Beanpole; Beginning; Black Bear; Bloody Nose Empty Pockets; Boys State; Come Play; Emma; Gunda; His House; Horse Girl; I Am Greta; Jacinta; La Llorona; Let Him Go; Limbo; Mangrove; Mayor; MLK/FBI; One Night in Miami…; Palm Springs; Possessor Uncut; Red, White & Blue; Relic; She Dies Tomorrow; Shirley; Shithouse; Shiva Baby; Some Kind of Heaven; Spring Blossom; Swallow; Tenet; The Dissident; The Invisible Man; The Nest; Sound of Metal; The Vast of Night; The Viewing Booth; The Way I See It; Vitalina Varella; Welcome to Chechnya

Inexplicably Underrated: 7500; Shithouse

Biggest Welcome Surprise(s): The Vast of Night; His House; She Dies Tomorrow

The Best Two Films I Saw This Year, Period: Satantango (1994); Harlan County, USA (1976)

[prettywordsyouleft]

Forsaken | Part 10

Summary: As one of the Forsaken, Jinyoung had no right to covet anything as his own. When he stumbles across you standing in the middle of the village he had plundered, the memories of old make him risk it all, clutching at the past in hopes for a better future.

Pairing: Park Jinyoung x reader

Genre: warrior au / star crossed lovers / angst / romance

Warnings: death, kidnapping, cursing, a myriad of emotions - this is a really sad love story.

Index: Prologue | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 

“I don’t know about you but it feels so freeing to be out here like this,” you commented with a skip to your step, Youngjae casting an exasperated look in your direction as he hobbled along with a cane to support him.

“Oh yes, how very wonderful when there’s not a soldier in sight to protect us.”

“Precisely!” You spun around and then grinned at Youngjae. “We could even run away together now.”

“What about Jinyoung? Don’t you worry about his heartache?”

You grinned. “He’ll find me. He did after all these years.”

“You’re foolish to think the Gods above would give you another chance if you threw away everything now.”

“I know, don’t worry I’m joking. Being completely free right now is all a pipe dream. Especially since we’re not without a warrior either.”

“Please don’t go saying because you’ve played with some weapons that you can now protect us-” Angling Youngjae to the tree line, you pointed out the shadow that you had noticed following along twenty minutes prior. “Oh. Not you then.”

“Still, I have my dagger so if anyone tries anything in the village, mark my words, I’ll stab them with it! Fear not, Youngjae!”

“I still don’t feel comfortable with you, but knowing we have Jackson following us puts me completely at ease.”

“Why, because I’m a woman?!”

“No, because you’re used to stabbing trees and stuffed bags, not humans.”

“Come a little closer and I’ll stab you instead!” you grumbled, folding your arms across your chest.

Youngjae chuckled heartily then and with the look in his eye, you called it a truce.

You were grateful for Jinyoung letting you leave the base. You hadn’t thought he would allow you out of his sights ever again, not that you would blame him for being like that. Whilst you craved the world being brighter and fuller than it was within that mountainside, you knew you couldn’t cope without seeing Jinyoung for long either.

Half the reason you were moving so fast, you realised, was so you could get back to him before dark.

Still, it was nice to head out with Youngjae. You liked him a great deal and could tell you complimented one another as friends. You were excited that he was coming along with you on your escape to Nowhere, and were determined to protect him at all costs.

You weren’t joking when you said you would stab anyone who threatened his safety.

It was nice to be doing something outside of the forest boundary line though. If you could pull off this trip to town with Youngjae, then surely you would be up for more in the future. You were hopeful that once settled in your new place together that you and Youngjae could journey to gather supplies more often, and Jackson could do so at your sides, not lurking within the shadows as he had so far.

The trip to the village took most of the morning, and after grabbing the order and a meal at the inn, you headed back in the direction you had ventured from. It was an hour into your journey home when you were startled to find Jackson running out from under the cover of the trees towards you both, throwing Youngjae over his shoulder and grabbing onto your hand. Diving behind a derelict building and the verge of a tree line, Jackson signalled for you all to be silent as he peered out from behind the wall at whatever it was that threatened your travels.

“Must we-”

He silenced your hushed question and continued to look out towards the road. It was then that you heard thundering hooves, and with a glance around Jackson, you saw the flag of the Rebellion held within a couple of the riders’ hands.

They were another battalion. Pressing yourself against the wall as flashes of the day you were kidnapped plagued you, you weren’t even aware they had fully passed by until Jackson was shaking you out of your reverie.

“Y/N, we must hurry now!”

“Why did Jinyoung let me go out if he knew there could be a battalion on the…” You trailed off then, your thoughts racing as your eyes peeled in the direction of the camp. You started to run, panic coursing throughout you.

Jackson caught up with you and pulled you back to his side. “He’ll be okay; it was you he was protecting in the first place.”

“He sent me out because he knew they were coming?”

“We had a spy tell of our plans to leave the Rebellion. Jinyoung knew Argo and his hunting team would come to interrogate. If he found you there then-”

“Then?”

“It doesn’t matter. Let’s just hurry back to safety. Youngjae, come on!”

“Do you know who the spy is?” you asked once Youngjae was at your side and Jackson shrugged. “Well, surely you have suspicions?”

“The ones in the radio tower,” Jackson offered and Youngjae gasped noisily.

“BamBam and Yugyeom?! Surely not. They’re boisterous but good kids.”

“BamBam was the last to be transferred to our base. He’s always been a bit on edge. He’s the perfect suspect to me.”

“Maybe he has a reason. He doesn’t seem like someone who would do it just to have fun.”

Jackson sighed. “Either way, he broke Jinyoung’s trust and he’s not one to be all that forgiving about it.”

“Then we must hurry to-”

“To?” Youngjae repeated at your sudden stillness, reaching out for your hand. “Y/N?”

“They’re coming back,” you murmured, hearing hooves once more.

Darting to glance over your shoulder, you were confused when you didn’t see the horses on the path behind you.

“It’s an ambush. They knew something was up, after all,” Jackson murmured, kicking himself into gear again. “Come on into the trees, the horses will find it harder within here.”

“We can’t expect Youngjae to rush! Jackson, this won’t work.”

“Go on without me,” the latter urged and you shook your head, latching onto his arm and helping him through the bramble and roots.

“I won’t leave you!”

“Nor will I. We’ll stay together,” Jackson announced, eyes peeled towards the road.

It was tough going getting deeper into the woods and yet, it seemed to help you disappear from the army searching for you. Jackson made you hide when it was needed, and then efficiently assisted you both over the overgrown territory.

You could tell this terrain was tiring Youngjae. “I don’t know how much more I can handle.”

“We need to get to safety, Youngjae.”

“You need to, not me. I’m meant to be dead anyway.”

Jackson grunted. “No one’s dying today.”

“Besides, I’m also meant to be rid of this world and here I am. Come on, Youngjae, lean on me.”

For some time, you managed to travel without any intrusion. Being this deep into the forest meant you had no idea if you were travelling the right way, and the lack of lighting made it harder for you to rely on your compass. You were certain you had made it away from your attackers when you neared a road that separated the density of the trees. It was quiet, and Jackson nodded once.

“Follow after me,” he instructed lowly, cautiously stepping out onto the road. You followed, holding Youngjae’s arm in yours.

It wasn’t until you were in the middle of the road when you realised just how deadly this was about to become. The swoosh of an arrow hurtled passed your ear and you pushed Youngjae behind you, trying to find your dagger amidst the open fire. However, Jackson’s scream startled you, your eyes widening as you watch him fall to the ground.

“Well, looky here. I found a wandering shadow. And what’s this he brings into my pathway? It wouldn’t be what that silly cat thinks he could hide from me, now would it? Catch them, boys.”

“Run, Y/N,” Youngjae said with a shove but you didn’t budge, unable to uproot yourself from his side.

You weren’t cut out for this world after all. In the face of danger, your mind blanked and you couldn’t protect either of the men you had grown fond of. You weren’t prepared for anything. Much like the daze you had been in when the fires began to burn all around you in your last home, you were far too easy to catch and incapable of helping Jackson spluttering on the ground behind you as the rough men captured you and threw you on their cart alongside Youngjae.

Gripping at your compass, you closed your eyes and willed your voice to make it to Jinyoung.

He was your only hope now.

The shock drove you into a dreamless slumber, in which you woke from when you were roughly tossed into some sort of holding cell. Youngjae landed with a cry beside you and you crawled over to his side, trying to check him over.

“How dare you hurt him, you monster!” you cried and the men merely laughed in good humour at your feeble statement.

“Did you hear that Tatum, we’re monsters.”

“Monsters seem to roam these lands a lot. Silly girl doesn’t know her place.”

“Rather be a monster than a prisoner, I’d say.”

“Don’t bother with them, Y/N. They are too rotten in the mind to care,” Youngjae breathed, trying to straighten up.

Your tears were falling freely. “I’m sorry.”

“What for?”

“I didn’t do what I was trained to do by Jinyoung and-”

“There was no way you could have helped either of us in that situation. Maybe if you ran you would outdo them, but chances are, they would have caught you. It was what they set out to do in the first place.”

“We should have never left the camp.”

“It would have been a bloodbath if we hadn’t.”

You heaved out a shaky breath. “It could have still been.”

“Jinyoung is the cat he referred to. That man thinks he’s outwitted Jinyoung in some way. If Jackson is alive, he’ll alert Jinyoung, don’t you worry.”

“That’s what worries me. Jinyoung’s reflexes will react impulsively and we’ll all end up dead before we can escape this hell. We need to try and do something ourselves. If we can meet him in the middle, then maybe we have a better chance of getting away.”

“How? We’re locked up.”

“Not without back up,” you mentioned quietly, hiking your pant leg up just enough to show the hilt of your dagger. Youngjae grinned, reaching to smooth the fabric back down to conceal your weapon.

“What should we do next?”

“Do you ever wonder what you would do in the face of danger?”

Glancing at the older woman across the room, you sighed. “I’m not sure.”

“You should have a plan, my dear.”

“Why? Those with power will always stamp out the weak.”

“Are you saying you’re weak?” she wondered, coming over with a tray of cut fruit. She set it down on the table and then smiled warmly at you. “You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for.”

“Maybe, but I don’t feel like I could fight.”

“If it meant your parents could come back?” she suggested and you blinked back the instant rise in emotions. “Or that boy, the one who owns your heart. If it was for them?”

“I wouldn’t hesitate to throw myself in harm’s way.”

“We should always prepare for the worst, and live for the best, my dear.”

“Hasn’t the worst already happened for me? I’m without them all.”

“You still hold onto your life, and that is most precious.”

“Some days…” you started, sighing heavily at her reproachful stare. “Grandmother, I really don’t get the lesson you are trying to teach me right now.”

“It’s okay not to have the answers in the beginning. It’s okay to feel hopeless. But I hope with time in your situation, you will know what your best move will be.”

Thinking of Jinyoung and how he always looked over his shoulder for what-ifs, you shook your head. “I can’t keep thinking like this. If something bad comes my way, then fate can decide if I’m worthy or not.”

“Why should you put such a burden on poor fate like that?!” she chastised, holding out a piece of pear to you. “Use your surroundings to your advantage. Think of what must be done to reach out and hold onto your loved ones again. One day you might be on your own without me in this world, and I need to know you will continue to fight even then.”

“What would I do in the face of danger?” you mused, taking a bite of the pear distractedly.

If it meant seeing your loved ones one last time, you hoped you would give it your all.

_________________

Part 11

All rights reserved © prettywordsyouleft

[GOT7 Masterlist] | [Main Masterlist] | [Request Guidelines]

[smallheathgangsters]

Business Deal (Part Four)

header made by the amazing @flowers-in-your-hayr​ 🌻

A/N: Here it is!! So glad I was finally able to work on part four and finish my first mini-series! I had so much fun with this and I can’t wait to start my next (mini-)series :) Please let me know what you think and please excuse any mistakes I made ❤️

Tags: @captivatedbycillianmurphy @tranquility-or-chaos​ @zodiyack @claire-loves-music @cubedtriangle

Pairing: Thomas Shelby x Reader

Word Count: 2716

Type: angst, mentions of violence, fluff

--------------------------------------------------------------

The men Gerald had sent back to the betting shop never found Tommy. It was as if he had vanished from the face of the earth. But it had been something you had to expect, because he had probably known that your people were coming back and that this feud wasn’t over for you.

Your mother had taken over your father’s business, but she unfortunately fell sick only a few months later. You believed her heartbreak over the loss of her husband had made her ill and she was ripped from your life shortly after you had lost your father. She was buried in the large backyard garden where your father was already waiting for her. You didn’t have much time to grieve. The business and the family name rested on your shoulders and you were completely overwhelmed with the situation. Luckily, Gerald was always by your side, supporting you and helping you keep everything going as good as possible. You were able to keep the mansion and started getting into the training of racehorses. Although, soon you realised that your last name was a danger to yourself and the loyal people who still worked for you and didn’t care that it was now you in charge and not your father. Therefore, you made the tough decision to strip yourself from the old one and take on a new one.  

It took you two years to get a hold of Tommy Shelby. Only that he didn’t know it was you.

The office you owned in the middle of Birmingham was spacious and neatly furnished. Your green thumb was the reason for the many plants decorating the room, giving it a friendly ambiance, one would rarely find in a city like this. You were trying to concentrate on the papers on your desk. You had a lot of potential clients interested in having their horses trained by you, but the meeting that was coming up took up every thought in your head. You weren’t somebody to get nervous easily. Especially thinking back to the day when you met Tommy for the first time. You had been very unimpressed by him and hadn’t let him make you feel uneasy or self-conscious. Though, this time it was different. Your heart was beating violently in your chest and your hands were slightly trembling. You cursed under your breath, annoyed by the way you were reacting.

It was Gerald who eventually told you about the deals your father had made with the Americans behind Tommy’s back. It ended in Tommy losing a large amount of bottles of alcohol and not earning a penny. You were disappointed in your father’s decisions but mostly because it had gotten him killed, underestimating Tommy’s short fuse. And it didn’t matter if you thought that it had been an overly exaggerated reaction by the Shelby. It wouldn’t bring your father back. So, you settled on simply accepting the fact that your father’s business had included risks like those, and he had been one of the unlucky ones. Nevertheless, you missed him dearly. You missed the conversations about horses at the dinner table and how he loved to make you laugh. He had always made you feel important and valuable. Not that your mother hadn’t done that, but the bond you had had with your father had been special. Now, after losing your mother as well, you had trouble finding the meaning in life and your own worth.

There was a knock on your door. Gerald popped his inside the room and announced that Thomas Shelby was here to speak to you. You braced yourself for anything that could happen and ordered Gerald to bring him to you. He did as you said and a few seconds later the man, who was still as beautiful as you had remembered him, entered your office.

At first, he was confused. You saw it in the way he halted when stepping through the doorframe. How his eyebrows frowned, and his eyes flickered. Then you saw it click in his head.

“Fuckin’ hell.”

You huffed. Of course. What kind of other reaction had you been expecting?

“Yes, Tommy. Fucking hell,” you said, holding your position behind your desk. You weren’t going to approach him too soon. You didn’t want to look as if you needed him close to you.

You saw him roll his eyes, laughing to himself in disbelief. “Billie Carter? Really?”

“Would you have agreed to meet up if I had used my real name?” you asked him. He snorted, shaking his head, most likely still not being able to grasp the fact that you had lured him into a meeting without him noticing something being off. Obviously, you had started your horse racing and training business with your new name in order to bury your old one. The unisex name made most masculine business partners expect a man and gave you a chance at expanding your business easier and quicker. It was hard to build up an influential reputation as a woman, so you and Gerald had the idea of turning you into a man. At least for the time until they met you. At some point, everybody would know that a woman was hiding behind the cover of Billie Carter. But since you had only just started resurfacing after taking a break following both your parents’ deaths by concentrating solely on your work with the horses in your stable, word hadn’t yet spread too far, and it would have been very hard for Tommy to find out that it was you.

“Am I here for you to take revenge on me?” Tommy questioned, raising an eyebrow curiously. You shook your head. “No, I’m not.”

Tommy nodded slowly, taking out a cigarette from his case, placing it between his lips. “How generous.”

You cleared your throat and looked him straight into his ravishing eyes. “Not really. While you’re in here, my men are putting bullets through the brains of your men waiting outside.”

Tommy was about to light his cigarette when he stopped in his movements. But instead of getting angry or even being slightly upset about what you’d just told him, he just started grinning. Then his hand continued the motion and brought the lighter to his smoke. You watched him put away the metal piece and take a long drag.

“Can I pour myself a glass?”

Tommy pointed at your liquor cabinet next to himself with his cigarette.

“Does this not anger you?” you asked dumbfounded. This was absolutely not going the way you had expected.

“Is that a yes?”

He was avoiding your question skilfully. Defeated, you let yourself fall into your chair, throwing up your hands. “Go ahead.”

Tommy went over to the cabinet and studied the bottles carefully. “Was this your father’s collection?”

“Don’t fucking mention my father,” you hissed. “Choose something and then we can get back to what we’re actually here for.”

Tommy laughed. It was a taunting laugh. “What are we exactly here for, Billie? To kill my men? Or for you to admit that you still like me?”

“Why the fuck would I still like you?” you spat, getting up from your chair and striding over to him. All you wanted to do was punch him in the face.

Tommy didn’t seem too impressed by your physical approach. He looked down at you almost patronisingly and then grabbed a whiskey bottle from top shelf. Unexpectedly, he filled two glasses, handing you one as if you were on good terms. You grabbed it and downed it in one go, the burning in your throat reminding you that this was really happening.

“I’m impressed, Y/N.”

Hearing him say your name sent shivers down your spine. You hated yourself for letting him have this effect on you, even after killing your father and after spending the last two years loathing him for the reason he did it. Even now. Every part of your body should find him repulsive for acting as if his men didn’t mean anything to him and still casually bringing up your father to push your buttons.

But you just couldn’t fight it.

“I’m impressed by your loyalty and the way you went against every single principle you had,” he said, taking a sip from his glass and then putting the cigarette back between his lips. The smell of tobacco took in the room.

“But there is still one weak point showing,” Tommy added. You huffed. “And what would that be?”

“You just can’t kill me.”

“You’re underestimating me,” you countered.

Tommy shrugged. “I used to. But I think you’ve shown me the real you clear enough that I know who you really are.”

Your let your tongue dart out, running it over your lips to moisten them. You walked back to the chair behind your desk and let yourself fall into it, setting the empty glass on your desk. “What do you want from me, Tommy?”

“I thought you wanted something from me. After all, you invited me here.”

You sighed deeply and ran your hand over your face frustratedly. “I wanted to talk about horses.”

Tommy moved over to the empty chair opposite your table and sat down, crossing his legs. “Okay, then let’s talk horses.”

You rummaged through the piles of paper on your desk. “I believe I have a few stabled at my place that you might be interested in. I would offer to train them for the races. I also have connections that could be of importance for you, like Frederick Darling. He’s trained a couple Epsom Derby winning horses.”

You collected a few sheets and handed them to Tommy. “You can take these with you and give them look whenever you have time. If you want to see one of the horses, just give me a call.”

Tommy took the papers and flicked through them quickly while puffing on the cigarette. When he got to the last page, he put the cigarette out in the ashtray on your desk. A last cloud of smoke floated to the ceiling in a swirling motion.

“Why exactly are you willing to get into business with me?” Tommy questioned when he placed the pile back onto your table.

“As you probably already know, getting into business with you is of secondary importance for me. I primarily wanted to get a hold of you,” you answered, taking out a cigarette out of the drawers for yourself. You tapped it on the surface of the desk a few times before pushing it between your with red lipstick painted lips.

“So, I was right when I said you were seeking revenge.”

Probably out of habit, Tommy fished his lighter out of one of his pockets and held the flame to your cigarette. You slightly leaned forward to catch the fire.

Taking a quick drag, you let yourself fall back into the chair. “I wanted to see how you were doing. Sadly, I was disappointed. Your business is still flourishing and nothing bad seemed to have happened to you since the deal between your family and mine got off tracks.”

Tommy cocked an eyebrow. “Are you wishing me bad things?”

“I just don’t think you deserve the influence you have around here or the money you hold.”

Tommy let out a laugh. “Too bad.”

You flicked the ashes off your cigarette. “If you don’t have any questions or remarks left, I believe we are finished here.”

“Kicking me out, eh?”

“I’m not kicking you out. But I don’t want to spend more time with you than I have to.”

That made Tommy lean onto the table, his strong hands resting on the top of the countless papers spread over it. “You didn’t have to spend time with me at all, Y/N. You invited me here and I’m pretty fucking convinced that you’re lying to yourself when you say you want me to leave.”

“I beg your pardon?” you huffed surprised and somewhat offended.

“You look fucking desperate.”

You gasped. The feeling spreading out in your body was shock. You were absolutely shocked about the way he was talking to you. But still … that spark. It was still there. And the undeniable sexual tension.

“Fuck,” was all you were able to breathe out in the state you were in. Every part of your body was tense, and you noticed yourself gripping the armrests of your chair, nails digging into the leather. The combination of disgust and attraction towards the gorgeous man across from you made your mind go hazy.

You knew he was trying to wind you up and you had to stop letting him.

“Desperate? You’re no better, still sat in your chair when I just told you that our meeting was over.”

Tommy smirked at you. That stupid smirk. You felt your heart flutter and your stomach twist nervously. This could not be happening. You just couldn’t understand what this man was doing to you. He had killed your father. And still … you were so incredibly attracted to the way he looked and the confidence he gave off. You knew it was wrong and that your mother would turn in her grave if she knew about the rollercoaster of emotions you were on right now.

“At least I’m not afraid to admit that I’m still very intrigued by you. I knew you were more like your father than you wanted to show,” Tommy said, licking his lips.

“You know I killed Chester?” you blurted out, hoping that at least this revelation would throw him a little off track. It didn’t.

“I do. I’m impressed. I heard you shot him perfectly between his eyes?”

You let out a frustrated growl, running your hand through your hair and eventually getting up, not being able to keep still on your chair. This whole situation was too absurd. What would it take for you to get him out of your head? What would you have to do to stop being so captivated by him? What even made him so special?

You closed your eyes and tried to calm your breathing. All the thoughts and emotions were too much for you. You wanted to escape, wanted to hide yourself away and let everything go through your head in peace. Him being in your office, being cocky, arrogant and seductive at the same time was messing with you severely.

All of a sudden you felt two cold hands cupping your face. Your eyes fluttered open. The blue in his washed over you like a wave. You felt like drowning.

“Y/N … I know what you’re feeling is guilt,” Tommy’s deep voice murmured. He didn’t break the eye contact you two had, intensifying it even. That was when every emotion you were trying to keep inside tipped over the edge. Salty, wet tears started streaming down your face. You let out a whimper, embarrassed by the way you were behaving.

Tommy ran his thumbs over both your cheeks, catching the tears and wiping them away. “You’re the toughest woman I’ve ever met. I’m sure your father is very proud of you.”

You chuckled sarcastically in between your sobs. “Of course. I’d love to see my daughter meeting up with the man who made the order to get me murdered.”

Tommy sighed. “I’m sure your father knows that I’m speaking the truth when I say that I’ll do everything to keep you safe. Even though we both know you don’t need my help.”

You closed your eyes again, inhaling his scent. Cigarettes, wood, pine.

As wrong as being in Tommy’s arms was, you suddenly noticed how much less lonely you felt. Being held made you realise how alone you’d been all this time. You were worn out psychologically, but also physically. The only thing you craved in this moment was Tommy’s touch. The reassurance that you weren’t alone.

Tommy must have sensed you crumbling and wrapped his toned arms around you, pulling you to his chest. “We all have a weakness, Y/N. It is nothing to be ashamed of. Yours is loneliness and mine …”

He paused. You heard him hold his breath for a moment.

Then he sighed deeply, his chest rising and sinking slowly. “Mine … you’ll get to know mine very soon …”

[twinkleallnight]

Marshmallow

Losing her (Chapter 3)

Book : The Royal Romance

Pairing: Liam x MC, Drake x ??

For previous chapters: catch up here

Prompts: This is my first attempt at prompt challenge that I accepted. It was posted by @riseandshinelittleblossom and I was given these lines by @openheart12 . The lines appear bold in the story.

Special thanks to my dear friend @bbrandy2002 for pre reading and keeping up with me at all the odd hours. Can't forget to mention @speedyoperarascalparty who helped me with the texting message video in the begining of the story. Thank you so much dear.

Tags: @ao719 @bbrandy2002 @choiceskatie @drakewalker04 @gkittylove99 @hopefulmoonobject @jovialyouthmusic @mrswalkers-blog @mom2000aggie @speedyoperarascalparty @texaskitten30

Part 3:

In the morning my eyes open to the notification sound from my phone. It’s from Livy.

That last message makes me jump out of the bed. It is my favourite event- The Derby.

As I get ready my thoughts wander around the little banter I had with Livy over chat. I find myself smiling as I remember all those times, we had these talks growing up. It has always been like this. Every reply would always be to tease each other. Two years ago, she officially took over her duchy from her aunt Lucretia, who was a caretaker till Livy grew up. I shied away from there, as I found it inappropriate for a commoner to be a regular visitor to a Duchess. And now, we are left only with messaging each other. I hardly look at her in public. I shake my thoughts as they turn serious.

I need to go to the stables early. I quickly get ready and head to Liam’s room. I knock on the door and walk in without waiting for Liam’s reply.

“In the name of good Lord! Can’t you wait for a moment before I answer the damn door!” Liam shrieks trying to cover himself.

I give out a laugh and turn my back. “Okay, I’m sorry. I wanted to tell you that I am heading to Honeyhill downs a bit earlier then our plan. Ember is not well and she may feel left out while other horses are out for the race. I’m going to stay back with her. I will join you at the tents just before the race.”

Liam puts on his robe and comes to face me. “Do you realise you talk about that horse as if she is your girlfriend? Seriously, if you show even a tiny bit of same affection towards a human being you may have a real lady to call yours. And why didn’t you inform me last night?”

“I would have but that would have meant disturbing your little precious moment at the maze with your”, I say using air quotes, “girlfriend.”

Liam’s eyes give away a surprised look just for fraction of a second before composing himself. “I really like her!”, he says solemnly. “And I hope things work in our favour. But with this crowd of nobles I fear I will lose her.” Suddenly his demeanour changes and he looks at me with pleading eyes. “Can you help me by looking out for her? Especially when I am drowned in the rituals of the court.”

I know his feelings are sincere and I understand that this is important to him as Liam never asks anything of me-ever. He is a man who knows giving away for everybody. So I immediately agree and assure him that I will watch out for Riley.

I drive my truck and reach the stables well in time to give a quick check of all the horses. As planned, I stay back with Ember. When it’s about time I give her a pat, “Next time you will be fit enough to race, sweetheart! For now, you relax. I will come to check on you again tomorrow.”

As I move out of the stables I find Riley wandering nearby. “You seem to be lost.”

“Oh! Hi! Yes. Maxwell instructed me to move to the pink tents after meeting the press. But I can’t find pink tent anywhere.”

“Misinformed! You need to go to the white tent. Come on and I will show you the way.” We start walking in the right direction.

“You will be watching it from the same tent ?” she asks .

“No. I will be with Liam in his private tent.”

“May I join in too?”

“I am not sure. Let me check.” I quickly message Liam and get a prompt positive reply. “Lets go.”

We walk to the enclosed private tent around the racetrack. “There you go.”

She signals me to be quiet by placing a finger on her lips. I look at her puzzled. She moves in the tent behind Liam. He is staring at the racetrack busy in his thoughts. She makes a sound to scare him “Booh!”

He jerks up out of his seat, scared, but takes her in his arms within the next moment. She giggles in his warm hug and he has the broadest smile on his face. He looks up at me n mouths the words, ‘thank you!’ I m unknowingly smiling wide looking at the spark in my friend’s eyes.

As we settle down the race begins and we place our bets. I excuse myself in between to give the two love birds some time with each other. As the race comes to an end I escort Riley to the ladies group.

As I leave her, I get a glimpse of Livy's eyes staring at her. There is a flash of sadness before she covers it up with her cynical smile. I turn back to join Liam as we head to the lawn picnic. My mind is still trying to process what I saw in Livy's stare. I need to talk to her.

Queen Regina makes appearance at the lawn picnic. But what surprises everyone is Madeleine accompanying her. The former crown prince Leo abdicated the thrown after his social season. Madeleine is his ex fiancé. So everyone is wondering why is she here now?

Soon it is made clear that she is participating in Liam’s social season, as well. I look at Liam and we share our uncomfortable feeling over this awkward moment.

The teams are declared, Queen with Madeleine and Liam chooses Riley in his team. The game begins but my attention is caught by the pain in those green eyes.

I am not able to keep my eyes off Livy's face. What is it dear? I want to hug her right now and ask but I know I cannot be near the duchess without any urgent matter to discuss.

I lose interest in all the fun and game because, my mind is revolving around the same thought. I am going to meet Livy soon after this. I don’t realise when the game ends and when Max drags me along to the tea table.

Riley and Liam are seated already. There is another lady at the table. Riley perks up to make introductions. “ I am pleased to make your acquaintance with Lady Hana. Though we are competing as suitors here, I have found a great friend in her.” Hana’s brown eyes light up as she smiles and nods in curtsy. I acknowledge.

I settle down next to Liam. He senses my uneasiness and raises an eyebrow. I try to convince him with a smile and shake my head.

“Nothing that can’t wait for later.” I whisper.

We start eating the tiny tarts and just spoonful of snacks, something I hate about these events. I complain in the end that I m still hungry. Riley brings up cronuts and the rest of the table gets excited about trying the cronuts at a nearby bakery. I look at Liam wide eyed when I see him agreeing to sneak out of palace on Riley’s proposal. Liam is going all head over heels; my friend is planning to break rules! Whatever happened to the ‘stick to the rules' guy? Anyways, we plan to meet near the maze after sunset.

As we break off, I rush to the palace to catch up with Livy. I walk around her room for some time till I find the corridors clear and then tap urgently on her door.

“Come in,” her sharp voice calls out.

“Livy, it’s me!” I say as soon as I enter in. I feel weird. It’s been almost an year since I met her in private.

She is standing in the balcony, holding a glass in her hand, her eyes lost in the landscape somewhere in front of her.

“Livy?” I call out again as I get closer to her.

“ I don’t like it.” She says.

“Don’t like what?”

“This,” she shows her hands thrown out in general. “All this! I am stuck. We are stuck.”

“What’s going on in your mind, Livy?”

She frowns and glares at me. “First you move away now Liam is moving out.”

“I am pretty much here.”

“Yes, you are. Like everyone else is. For the crown.”

“I am still not getting what you want.” I purposely tease her more. She needs to lash out to get back to normal. Her Nevrakis' blood needs to boil enough before the outburst. “The events are going great and everyone is enjoying. Liam is happy, I think, really, very happy.” I push into her barriers a bit more.

I see the emeralds of her eyes getting clouded red with tears. There it comes. I brace myself. It is not an easy feat to stand alone against the wrath of Olivia Nevrakis.

“Just a year ago, I had all three of you, who called themselves my friends, with me!” she snarled. “ I was fine handling the heavy weight of the duchy of Lythikos all alone because I knew I had all of you to lean on. To keep me alive and human enough. Not the robotic royal machine I have to be in front of those high-headed nobles.”

“But you”, she jabbed a finger in my chest making me loose my balance. “ You were the first to conveniently wiggle out of the warmth that kept me together.” I stand straight again. “And now Liam is going all goofy puppy around that American. Fine! He is in love. I am happy for him. But he forgets,” she controls a sob, “forgets to be with me even on my parent’s death anniversary! Something that we have been doing together since I lost them.”

“ I am sorry Livy! I am so so sorry. I didn’t realise..” I don’t know what to say. I have always been worse, never having the right words in handling such situations. I try to move ahead and hug her, comfort her. But her palm faces right at me, stopping me.

“No. Not now. Not anymore.”

“Livy please!”

“I can see it’s getting worse. You kept treading outside my room long enough.” I looked at her with a shock. Nothing is hidden from her. She knew it was I outside her room!

Gauzing my thoughts, she continues. “I can recognise your footsteps. You should better know that by now.! You are scared to come and meet me or talk to me. I told you when I took up the duchy that I don’t care if you are a commoner. But you still continue acting Mr. Weird. I can’t take it anymore.”

She wipes the tears now rolling down her burning cheeks. With a new resolution, she blurts out, “It’s better that we stay away. I don’t want to be in and out of the comfort zone every other day. It’s better I take all the pain and hurt for once and all.”

I make another attempt to mellow her down. “Don’t do this Livy. Please!” I try to change the mood. “Riley has planned a sneak out cronut party. Come! We will enjoy ourselves together. It will be a nice change from the formal events. Max will be there too.”

She looks into my hopeful eyes one last time and then turns her back. “ I think I made myself pretty clear there. I don’t want to get hurt again. One day you're going to wake up and notice that you should have tried. I was worth the fight. It was nice knowing you. Enjoy your cronuts. Good bye!”, she walks away to her private chambers.

I stand there dumbfound. Suddenly my shoulders slump and I feel a heavy weight on my chest. After few minutes of inaction, I drag myself out of her room to the lawns outside. Somehow this is one moment where I don’t care if anyone catches me coming out of her room. I wish I had been brave enough earlier too, to not bother about who was watching me.

It feels like the worst day of my life. Losing her.

[screensirenfic]

Menthol Cigarettes - Chapter 35

I barely slept a wink that night; too busy tossing and turning as I tried to come up with a reason why this had happened. Why he had done this to me.

I mean; it wasn’t like she actually saw him doing anything, and El insisted that he was fully dressed, but still; it was pretty obvious what was going on.

She liked to believe that that girl was in trouble; that somehow, for some reason Billy was hurting her, even after I tried to explain the ‘other’ possibilities that seemed much more likely.

I don’t know if I’d have preferred it; honestly?!

I mean; sometimes Billy acted a total psycho, and I knew that it wasn’t always aimed at me, but was I really gonna talk myself into this instead of just accepting he was cheating?!

So, that was why we were here, marching up to Max’s house, because El honestly believed that girl was in trouble, and I was too much of a paranoid bitch to leave everything to chance.

“It’s going to start pouring soon. We should be at the mall, or watching a movie, or something...” Said Max, for once being the naysayer in the situation.

“You don’t believe me?” Eleven asked; still set on confirming her vision with her own two eyes.

“I believe you saw some super weird stuff; totally!” Max reassured her; unwilling to come across as the skeptic, no matter what the reality was.

“But you said Mike’s senses you in there before, right?” Max asked, trying her best to sound reasonable.

“So maybe it was just like that. Maybe Billy sensed you somehow.”

Maybe she’d like to think that was true, but needless to say, it had Eleven’s hackles up; mine too, although that was for an entirely different reason.

I mean; could he really be that much of a scumbag?!

I thought we’d gotten over this months ago; Billy finally realising that just because he had a reputation as a ladies man, didn’t mean he had to keep it up when he was in a relationship.

Of course; this wasn’t just a simple case of harmless flirting.

This was a full on, hardcore fu-

“His car’s not here.”

Max stated; her and El having managed to trail ahead of all my fretting as we now stood in front of the house.

“Are you sure you both wanna do this?” She asked, to which both nodded resolutely.

Whatever laid in wait inside Billy’s room; I could handle it.

I’d already had to deal with much worse.

——————————————————-

Sometimes I was grateful my upbringing hadn’t been exactly conventional, and this was one of those times…

Some girl’s dads taught them to change a tire, or put up a shelf, but mine had taught me to shoot rifles, throw punches, and in this case; pick locks.

Not to say it was an easy task, especially with two teenagers breathing down your neck like this was an episode of Jeopardy!

“Almost got it…” I said; thankful that my bobby pin hadn’t decided to break on me yet.

A click sounded, and the pin turned.

“There…” I smiled, turning the handle and pushing the door open wide.

“Why do I get the feeling we’re gonna find all kinds of wrong in here?” Max asked, lingering by the doorway whilst I walked straight in, already intimately familiar with the room in question.

I don’t exactly know what we were planning to find in here.

I mean; I’m pretty sure we all had very different explanations of Billy’s weird behaviour; some wilder than others.

El was expecting to find a body, or something; too many late nights spent watching cop shows with dad to have any real grasp on what to expect in an investigation.

Max was…

Well; I’m not entirely sure what Max was looking for. Probably something to prove her brothers innocence; as weird as that sounded when referring to a boy like Billy Hargrove.

And I wanted to find… Well; nothing.

I wanted to find the place exactly how I’d left it in the vain hope that it would put my anxiety to bed, and I could go on living like I had before; with one dedicated, if a little over-possessive boyfriend, who’d never dream of hurting me.

El launched straight into investigator mode, heading over to his closet to sort through hanger after hanger of double denim and cotton shirts, whilst I stuck to the edges of the room; eyes and fingertips skimming over the culmination of my boyfriend’s existence.

It didn’t look like the room of a cheater.

Not with copious amounts of photographs of us together plastered on whatever surface they’d stick to.

Whether it be cute little polaroids of us in the Camaro when the sun hit just right and made us look like movie stars; or dumb photo booth print outs where we’d pull faces that he’d never let see the light of day outside his safe space; he kept them all.

My hand lingered over a particularly memorable one; a polaroid just bordering on decent of the pair of us in bed together, my bare chest barely covered by the sheet as Billy held the camera high in the air, grinning up at it whilst I buried my face in his neck.

I remembered the day he took that photo;

I’d just bought him that camera as a late birthday present, and he was complaining that I could’ve got him something more fun; “fun” being the key word here that usually translated as “obscene” to Billy.

I’d insisted that we could have plenty of “fun” with his polaroid camera, which proceeded in him coercing me into letting him take a couple of “artistic” shots; cuing the start of his little photograph collection that he was so keen on expanding.

After he’d finished, and taken liberties to indulging in a near dizzying amount of birthday sex, he’d reached across to take “one last photo”; this being one he could keep on his wall, despite my insistence otherwise.

I’d been nervous and embarrassed of it back then; not wanting him to get in trouble if his dad happened to find it taped to his mirror of something, but now; I could finally see the beauty in it.

Billy looked so relaxed and carefree; like it was honestly one of the happiest moments in his life, and even with my face half hidden against his skin, I was smiling too; a clear sign that despite my protests, I was loving every minute of-

“Ugh! Gag me with a spoon!”

Max groaned; having stumbled across Billy’s so-called “underwear” drawer in his nightstand, which was actually filled with girlie magazines and “souvenir” pairs of my panties.

“Hey; Lo. This has got your name on it-“

I darted over to her, snatching the labelled envelope from her hand, absolutely adamant that the kid should never be exposed to its contents.

“Trust me. You do not want to see that.” I warned, watching as the kid’s face crinkled in disgust; probably already guessing exactly what Billy would keep in there.

I shoved the envelope back in the drawer, slamming it shut; because who knew what else Billy kept in there, and with that Max took the opportunity to further the parameters of her search to the bathroom, El following behind.

———————————

It was weird being here without Billy, looking at his things with a strange sort of detachment which I couldn’t quite grasp.

Everything in this room held so many memories for me; whether it be the spicy scent of his cologne triggering flashbacks of his arms around me, or the sight of his leather jacket slumped on a chair; my mind racing bak to all the times I’d seen him in it before and felt my heartbeat pick up.

I walked over to it, picking it up and just holding it for a minute, thumbs running over all the bumps and creases in the worn leather, reminding me of the first time he’d asked me to dance; a once bittersweet memory gotten sweeter with time and circumstance.

He’d been such an ass back then.

Still was, if I was being honest; but I’d learnt to love that about him, even when he drove me crazy half the time.

I wondered if he’d known back then?

That beneath all that macho horse crap, and maschoist sadism, that he’d seen the possibilities of what this really could be.

I lifted his jacket to my face, inhaling the scent of cigarette smoke and stale cologne that always seemed to put my mind at ease.

“Lola;  I think you’re gonna want to see this…”

———————————

I walked into Billy’s bathroom, fully expecting my world to come tumbling down at the inevitable evidence of his cheating.

Instead; my heart dropped for another reason;

“Where did you find that?”

My eyes fell upon the red and yellow form of a lifeguard whistle; blood bright against the yellow plastic as it hand from Max’s hand.

“From the trash.” Max replied; picking up the dread in my tone.

“Do you think it could be-“

I opened my mouth to express denial, when Eleven interrupted;

“No. It’s hers.”

[novamm66]

Chapter 6 – Shrine of Dumat & Pre Adamant

It’s Friday! Which means it’s time for the next chapter of my Varric/Cass story.

Note: This chapter starts with major character injury. I have steered clear of anything too graphic and it will only hurt for a bit. 😘 There are also some steamy bits at the end.💗💗

—

Nothing felt right. The Shrine was burning before they had even got there. The bulk of the enemy fighters had fled, so the fighting had been relatively easy. The Red Templars had been tipped off and had left almost nothing behind.

The whole situation had Varric on edge. They were standing outside the gates. Cassandra was speaking to Cullen, who was barely staying on his feet while Kiaya was issuing orders.

“Smudges, we need to get away from here,” Varric interjected in a pause in the conversation.

“I know.” Kiaya shot a worried look at Cullen, but before they could make a move, a new scout appeared, and Kiaya was pulled into another conversation.

Varric’s palms itched, and the hairs on his neck rose. Something was here. Varric’s eyes watered as he scanned the rubble, and he moved closer to Kiaya.

It was the smoke that gave the Assassin away. It changed direction when it shouldn’t have, but Varric only noticed out of the corner of his eye when it was almost too late. He barely had time to call out and throw himself against Kiaya before he felt the pressure of the blow meant for her against his back. He felt a searing pain, and Varric’s vision narrowed to Kiaya’s pale face, her eyes filled with horror as she stared at him. He tried to ask if she had been hit, but his voice wasn’t working. All he could hear was a pounding in his ears. Varric realized that it wasn’t his heart he was listening to, but the pulse of the red lyrium. It beat a different cadence from his heart and lungs, forcing his body to synchronize. Varric fought the pull but gasping air against the taint's pulse was agony, and he was losing. It was getting hard for Varric to think. He gasped and forced his eyes open, red fog blurring his vision, but he could see a face close to his. Cassandra. Varric tried to say her name, but he didn’t seem to have enough breath, so he repeated it over and over in his head, focusing on her to fight against the red trying to claim him.

Suddenly the lyrium pulse stopped. Varric felt his heart take a few thumps on its own, and he gasped, pulling air into his lungs. Then the screaming started.

Whatever was happening, Varric would have gladly gone back to pulse, pulling him towards the darkness. He felt like he was being turned inside out while set on fire. The blackness that rushed towards him wasn’t that of peace and rest, but Varric was grateful all the same.

—

Guilt was crushing Cassandra.

She needed Varric to wake up. More than that, she needed him to wake up as the person he was, untainted by the red lyrium. She had been waiting for days. Cassandra had stopped listening to the whispered conversations between the healers. It was a miracle he was still alive at all. Varric was lying on his front, propped up on pillows to protect his stomach and back. His skin was pale and waxy, and without his shallow breaths and the pulse fluttering in his neck, he looked dead. Cassandra hadn’t followed what Kiaya and Dorian had done to remove the spear of lyrium from Varric’s back. Cassandra understood that Kiaya had used the mark to remove the red taint from Varric’s blood, but until he woke up, there was no way to know if it was successful.

Eventually, Cassandra surrendered to her fears, letting them race through her as she knelt by Varric’s cot. Time lost it’s meaning as Cassandra prayed until sleep claimed her and pull her into the fade.

—

The smell of lavender, mint, and steel pulled Varric awake. That and the desire to sneeze, but he couldn’t. He felt like a druffalo was sitting on him, and no part of his body didn’t hurt. He was unable to move if he wanted to and sneezing was out of the question. Whatever was tickling his nose was beyond annoying. Opening his eyes took all his concentration, and it felt like ages before he succeeded. His vision swam in the dim light.

Once his muddled brain was able to process shapes and colours, he no longer cared about the tickle. It was Cassandra’s hair that brushed his face.

She was asleep, resting on her arm on the side of his cot. His lips formed her name, but he didn’t actually make a sound. After a few attempts, he managed a gasping hiss, and her eyelashes fluttered open. She didn’t look at him right away, focusing first on where her fingers rested in his. Varric hadn’t noticed before, but suddenly he could feel her skin against his own. Her touch was gentle as her fingers slid to Varric’s wrist, settling on his pulse, which jumped at the touch. Varric gasped again, and Cassandra’s eyes went wide and snapped to his face.

I want to see her face first thing every time I open my eyes.

This time when Varric tried to speak, it worked, although it sounded nothing like him. “Seeker-“

Cassandra kissed him. Varric no longer cared if he was alive or dead; whichever it was, he would take it. Her lips were soft and gentle against his, better than anything he had imagined. It was over too quickly for his liking; Cassandra pulled back with a look of shock on her face and stared at him.

With a fair amount of effort, Varric managed to tighten his fingers around hers and get enough breath to whisper. “Am I dead? Not that I mind either way at the moment, but it would be nice to know.”

Cassandra blinked, and a sound halfway between a laugh and a sob escaped her lips. “You are alive, Varric. Thank the Marker, you are alive.” she stood and turned away, hiding her face but not before Varric saw tears shimmering in her eyes. “I must tell the healers immediately.” Before Varric could catch up, she was gone.

Varric exhaled. ”Alive is good.”

—

“You should not be coming with us.” Cassandra had tried to wait until they had reached Varric’s room before she spoke, and she almost made it.

“I gathered that from your exclamation in the War Room.” Varric grinned at her over his shoulder as he unlocked and opened the door of his room. “But I have been out of the fun for long enough now, and I will not stay behind while people important to me face a fortress of Wardens.”

Cassandra tried to swallow her irritation and worry. She had stayed by him through his recovery, but the two had settled into a comfortable friendship. By the time they had reached Skyhold, Cassandra had convinced herself that it was enough

Varric crossed the room to his bed. “As much as I appreciate the help, don’t you have to pack yourself?”

Cassandra waved the question off. “I am already packed. Varric, this is a bad idea. You are just now back on your feet. You shouldn’t be rushing into battle so soon.”

“I’m not.” Varric lifted a mostly full saddlebag onto his bed next to the stack of clean laundry. “I’m rushing into a very long, very uncomfortable horse and wagon ride. By the time we reach them, I’ll be one hundred percent.” He topped off the bag then placed what clothes wouldn’t fit into the backpack. He crossed to the table he used as a desk. He quickly sorted papers, add some to his portable writing box, and that too went into his backpack. He added it and his bedroll to the pile on his bed before turning back to where Cassandra was watching him.

“Alright. I’m ready.”

Cassandra glared at him. “You were already packed!”

“Yes, and so are you.” Varric pointed out calmly.

“Varric,” but Cassandra didn’t get any farther before Varric interrupted her.

“There is no way you are running away from me again,” Varric said as he crossed the room in two strides and pulled her into a kiss. With the warm press of his lips, the heat of his hands on her face and neck, Cassandra was burning, and she would gladly burn forever.

Varric pulled back, just enough to meet her eyes. “Do you want me to stop?” Varric whispered.

Cassandra couldn’t answer fast enough. “No.”

“Good.” Varric kissed her again. Cass slipped her hands under his shirt collar and down his back, rasping her nails against his skin. Varric groaned, kissing her jaw and neck, pulling a similar sound from her.

Her hands continued travelling over his skin, down his chest until they were halted by his shirt.” You are wearing too many clothes.” She said.

“Says the woman wearing armour.” Varric laughed against her throat, and the vibrations made Cassandra’s toes curl.

She leaned into him, placing her own kisses against his neck. Varric shuttered, and Cassandra whispered against his ear. “What is your plan, exactly?”  

“I hadn’t actually thought this far ahead.”

Cassandra laughed and nipped his ear before she pressed her lips against his again. There was a knock at the door behind Cassandra’s back, and the two broke apart with a gasp.

Varric’s frustration was evident when he answered. “What?”

“Master Tethras? I have a message for the Seeker. Have you seen her?” A voice called.

“Not as much as I would like to.” Varric murmured against her ear before answering the messenger. “You just missed her. What’s the message? If I see her, I will pass it on.” Cassandra pressed her face into his shoulder as Varric began nipping at her ear and neck again. She barely registered the message from Cullen, requesting assistance, or the departure of the messenger.

“You are horrible.” She gasped when she thought it was safe.

“With horrible timing.” Varric agreed.

“I should go,” Cass said, the reluctance clear in her voice.

Varric nodded, cupped her face in his hands and kissed her tenderly. “To be continued,” he said.

“I will hold you to that.”

—

If you would like to read from the beginning, the master post is here. (bare with me, I am having trouble getting the links to work but we will get there.)

I also post to AO3 if you prefer.

[writingonjorvik]

Can We Discuss Passive Cooperation?

Another topic I can mostly discuss before the interview. Y’all, I promise it’s coming out soon. We’ve got one more person to hear back from, but with the recent outbreak and work from home situations, things will continue to get backed up. I promise it will be out soon, hopefully within the next week or two so you can listen while you run around doing Soul Riding. With that said, let’s get into this actual topic.

So if you’ve been following WoJ for a while, you know that I think SSO is lacking in providing on that MMO experience. And I also know statistically that that isn’t necessarily a popular opinion that folks want to see more. However, I think a lot of folks think when I say I want more multiplayer experiences, they mean content that’s locked behind having to PUG, and that’s not it.

Again bringing up GW2, one of the reasons I love it is because of its passive cooperation. There are a lot of ways that game encourages you to interact with others without needing to be in a group. Did someone die? You get experience for rezzing them. Is there a big event going on? Everyone participating gets experience for jumping in and helping. Want to do a meta? Just follow the one commander willing to give instructions and you’re good. That doesn’t mean GW2 gets it perfectly. There are plenty of folks who can be standoffish in more difficult content, but overall, the game has a really solid passive cooperation built into its PvE and reward players for playing together, without locking off a lot of its content by forcing them to.

And that is what I want to see more of from SSO. Right now, the only really supported co-op mechanics are all PvP, which in a lot of ways goes against the laid back vibes of SSO. Other co-op activities, like picnics and the disco, have only gotten minimal updates over the years. By in large, the only other co-op scene is role plays, and that’s got its own can of worms. Not that it’s bad, but it can be a little bit to get into. There are very little incentives to interact with others, to include that a lot of players want a block all option, something I hope doesn’t get added outside of maybe a reduce players loaded bar of some kind. This is supposed to be an MMO after all. While it would be nice in photo mode, it’s supposed to be multiplayer.

So, what are some ways SSO could bring more cooperation without forcing people to interact? Well, here are just a few suggestions to get folks already in groups and out of groups to interact more:

1. Quest Support

I think while SSO’s story should always be soloable, I think having extra dialogue options for bringing a group with you, particularly for people who like SSO canons where there are multiple chosen ones, is fun. It also adds a much easier way to help other players find hidden objectives if you can actually see their quest goals too, even if you can’t complete it for them. Things like being able to catch hens with friends or help them get their fish for the day are all options that would make some more grindy options more tolerable. Also, with the new quests building in this “candidates” potential, I think there’s more room in the narrative for other powerful druids.

2. Championships

I know I just said we don’t need more PvP content, but championships really need an update. I’ve talked about this before and in the interview, but I really feel like these need an update to feel rewarding again to do, and also combat small groups of players dominating these races.

3. Kudos

Something else that got brought up in the interview, so here’s your little sneak peak for now. Was suggested there is some kind of system where you can give kudos to a player for being helpful. This would be particularly helpful for encouraging players to help out newer players, to host events, and generally be a chill person. Potentially could be linked to some kind of reward, like the team can review players who got a lot of kudos in a month and give them rewards, or as a recommendation for future ambassadors and moderators.

4. Dungeons

I am only going to talk about this very briefly, because I have a full post planned on this topic and it’s in the interview, but I think some kind of escape room dungeon system would be amazing, particularly if some kind of instruction pinging system were added to the game.

5. Team Competitions

Ok, again with a PvP suggestion, but I know folks had hella fun in the old SML meet-ups where we did team competitions or club competitions. Even if it’s just 2v2 to fit in the current group system, that would be great. And I imagine clubs would have so much fun with that system, or dressage teams if we could ever make our own courses in game.

6. Events

I already talked about this in events and I’m sure the system is catching up, but what if during the Yule Goats, everyone collecting the goats built towards closing a portal? Like, there are still the basic ones as there were before, but repeating the whole day, every 15 minutes, another group portal opens up and everyone in the area needs to bring 10 babies as a whole effort. There’s no talking required, and it adds another source for a relatively grindy currency.

7. Other systems I’ve already suggested

Imagine getting to collect crafting supplies as a group. Imagine running around with friends to find the things you need to finish your home. Imagine a neighborhood system in Jorvik City for housing and getting to go see your friends’ homes in game. Imagine a daily login rewards system where doing group races is an option. Imagine these systems in game.

8. Co-op collection

Combined with the pinging section mentioned above, I think there should be a collection you can only get with friends, like that one star near Forgotten Fields. I think it should be separate from the stars, so there are these soloable collections, but there’s also this one you can do with your friends. Maybe they’re a little more challenging, or precursors to a bigger system (like a dungeon system), but I just think it would be cool. Even better if it’s replayable, so you can play it again every day for a small reward, and also so you can go back and help new folks gather them too.

9. Club Collections

Riding clubs so desperately need an update. But like, what if there was something to do while you’re in them? What if there were club only collections to unlock and/or upgrade the club hall? What if there were tools for making club races? What if riding clubs just got an actual update after SIX years? Look, I think this is just an underloved feature and I want to see it updated.

10. Community Objectives

I loved the “get to this many races” social media thing SSO did. I think they should do that more often, though with a variety of challenges that can be measured in game and don’t require social media. If there was a bi-weekly or even monthly goal like that, to get the community to get on and engage on something frequently, it’s more likely then that people will connect. It is technically co-op, on the biggest scale and I just think that would be amazing to see more of. 

11. More Fox Hunts

Another topic I recently brought up, the fox hunt. Y’all, I loved this and doing this was the most engaged I felt with the community since the first batch of stars. I want to see more of this moving forward, with loads of hidden achievements put in to encourage the community to get out there and look for secrets and work as a team with different skill sets. Just, there’s something amazing about seeing the community come together for something like this, and I love it.

12. Incentivizing Co-op

I think another thing SSO doesn’t do well is actually encouraging people to play co-op. Doing races in a group doesn’t provide any reward outside of achievements and champ rewards. There’s no reason to go back and do races in a group outside of maybe getting pictures in the circus. I know this gets into balancing economy, but having some kind of reward for actually doing group races would be a great way to encourage people to actually do those over just soloing the races with a group, like how most people will do group training. Like double horse exp, or a shilling reward, or something that makes doing a race in a group worth it outside of...bragging rights? Even if these were like, temporary tonics you could buy, like lures in Pokemon Go, but for horse exp, that would be something. I guess this depends on how competitive you are, but there’s not really a reason mechanically to get you to do races this way.

13. New Race Modes

I know this is another big system one, but imagine the Cloud Kingdom race with friends. Imagine the chaos of everyone bringing Shires to block everyone’s view of the race. Imagine a very basic item system with like a knockback, a stop, and a speed boost (all things already in the Cloud Kingdom race) as magic items. I suggested a full on 5v5 magic training race in the finale of SSL’s map which I still think would be amazing to teamwork out closing the seals and getting out while the other team hunts you down to run out the clock. Just like, these things would be amazing.

14. PUG Menu

I think a PUG menu is vital to not only easily finding groups to say do collections with or get help with quests, but also to get club and role invites out of Global. Why advertise in Global when you can just open the PUG menu and find or make an open group? It just organizes it a lot better, and it would probably cut down on spam.

And I’m sure there are a dozen more, but until I think of them, what are some of the things that would encourage you to play with others? Do things like the Chaos Stampede encourage you to hang out with the community? Is there some kind of co-op content that would get you to engage more with new players? Be sure to let me know!

[trashcanband4]

Cuddles

Summary: Daryl surprises the unnamed oc one cold night. Set between seasons 2 and 3. Pairing: Daryl x Oc Word Count: 2,298 Warnings: None

 Staying warm when there's no electricity, no gas and no way to even start a fire is hard. That's where we were in life right now. Stuck in a six bedroom mansion that I would have killed for in the old world, but now it was just a brick structure that would protect us from the dead for the night. However finding housing was never the issue. Food, heat and water were the things we looked for most often. Luckily though, this house had a decent stock of food and water. So the only thing we lacked was heat.

 But this wasn't the first night we had gone without heat and we knew without discussion how to deal with it. We would forgo individual sleeping bags and sleep in pairs to share body heat. The pairings over time had preset themselves and rarely changed. Hershel shared with Beth. Lori with Carl. Maggie of course always shared with Glenn. Daryl usually shared with Carol or no one because he could be as stubborn as a horse. Rick usually shared with me or no one and T-Dog bounced between me and Carol.

 This night was particularly freezing. As I slid into my sleeping bag in one of the many rooms of the huge house I found myself wishing I had someone in the cold fabric with me, but Rick was on watch with Daryl. T had chosen Carol for the night. So I was stuck in the bag by myself...in a dark room only lit by the full moon outside. I couldn't tell you the last time I had been completely alone and to be honest I didn't like the feeling. So I decided to just push the feeling of unsettlement aside and forced myself to go to sleep.

 I woke up in the middle of the night to the rustling of clothing then a cold, obviously male figure sliding into the bag behind me. He lightly, almost hesitantly, slid his arm around my mostly exposed waist and pulled me back into his chest. He sighed as my body heat thawed his freezing skin. I assumed it was Rick, but had I been fully awake I would have realized otherwise. Rick always put his back to mine, as did T-Dog. This man was spooning with me. But being the middle of the night I thought nothing of it and went back to sleep.

 I was never very alert in the mornings, even back before the turn. I always woke up slowly, one sense at a time. The first sense that made it's way into my semi conscious state was smell. Rick usually smelled of himself and deodorant, but what assaulted my nose now was something new, yet oddly familiar. Dirt, manly musk and the very faint smell of cigarettes. Still more than half asleep I let it slide. The next sense to awaken? Touch. Hairs tickled my nose where my face was pressed into a nude, warm chest. My hands were tucked under my chin, our legs were intertwined and one heavy arm held me to this mystery man.

 Now fully aware that this was not Rick or T-Dog I opened my eyes. I didn't move for fear of waking the sleeping person. But as soon as I opened my eyes and saw the tattoo in front of them that said "Norman" I knew who was holding me, Daryl. But...Daryl? Why the hell was he in my bed? I mean, dudes hot as hell so I'm not complaining, but he had never come to me before despite me telling him that he could if the occasion ever arose.

 I never expected him to take me up on my offer, but I'm not going to lie I had thought about sharing with him and what it would be like. I never thought it would be like this. The only word for what we were doing is cuddling. When Daryl was awake he was anything but cuddly. As I tilted my head up to look at him now, sound asleep, he looked years younger and a lot less intimidating. I smirked softly to myself and pressed my face back into his chest.

 As the reality of the situation sank in, my heart started to race. I'd had a thing for him since he found me camped out in the woods near Hershel's farm, struggling to stay alive. He was attractive, gruff and somehow still sensitive and selfless and here I was cuddled up to him like my life depended on it.

 I took in a deep breath and let it out slowly in an attempted to slow my heart rate, all that did was cause Daryl to groan. I knew he was awake when his arm around me stiffened. In a silent request for him to not let go I snuggled in closer to him. Since my head was tucked below his chin he had no way of seeing that I was awake. Now his whole body was stiff, but he didn't let go.

 We laid there like that for what felt like forever and eventually I decided to see exactly how comfortable he was with our current position. He was uncomfortable with any show of affection. I knew because I rubbed his back once in a show of thanks after he shot a walker that was about to bite me and he acted like the simple loving touch burned him.

 My hands that were tucked under my chin had been clinched into fists, so I flattened them out on his taunt chest reveling in his warmth. He grunted, but otherwise didn't react. So after a few seconds I started rubbing his chest with my thumbs. It was obvious that I was awake and he pulled back, much to my dismay, to look me in the eyes. "Hi" was all I could think to say.

 "Hey" he replied, sleep making his voice even more gruff. 

 "So, uh whatcha doin'?" I drawled curiously.

 "Was sleeping till ya started movin'." He answered without a beat.

 "No I mean, whatcha doin’ here, in bed...with me?" I asked with a glance around not able to make myself look him in the eyes.

 "Ya said I could." His nonchalant tone didn't fool me.

 "Yeah, but I never expected you to take me up on my offer." I admitted.

 "I can leave if ya want me to." He said as he started to move away from me.

 "No!" I snapped a little too loud and too quickly. He quirked an almost cocky brow at me. "I mean, please don't?" I asked a lot calmer now. "I'm really warm and comfortable and if you leave we'll both be cold."

 He just settled back and pulled me close. We lay there for a few minutes comfortable and content lost in our thoughts. While I was thinking about where I was and who it was keeping me warm a smirk appeared on my face. "What ya smilin' at woman?" He asked with a glance down at me.

 "I know something no one else does." I told him with a grin and he cocked an eyebrow at me. "Unless you cuddle with Carol. If that's the case then she and I know something the rest of the group doesn't." I said my smirk growing into a grin. He scoffed and shook his head. "You're snuggly and you know it." I mocked in a sing song manner and instantly regretted it because his face turned red and he unzipped and threw the sleeping bag off of him. "I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry." I spat out quickly and grabbed his hand hoping to pull him back into bed. 

 Instead of coming back to bed he stared down at my hand in his. When he finally looked away from our hands his eyes connected with mine and I rubbed my thumb over the back of his hand before I have it a light tug. He obeyed and got back into the sleeping bag with me. Instead of cuddling with me face to face he put his back to me.

 I had pissed him off, or embarrassed him, or both. I hadn't meant to and I needed to apologize. So I gently slid my arm under his that lay on his side, to wrap around his waist. He stiffened, but didn't completely recoil at my touch. "I'm sorry." I told him more sincerely as I propped my head up with my elbow. From this view I could see the profile of his face. "I didn't mean to make fun. You just surprised me is all. You're always so...tough. It threw me off to see you go from a grizzly bear to a teddy bear." I said as I took in the side of his neck that was clean for once thanks to the spit baths we had all taken with solar warmed water from a nearby river.

 "Ain't no teddy bear." He grumbled.

 "No?" I asked rhetorically. "Are you sure?" I whispered as I leaned down and grazed his neck with the end of my nose gauging his reaction. He flinched a little but didn't pull away. "Because I think you can be when you want to." I grazed my lips over his neck until they got close to his ear. "And to be completely honest, I kinda have a thing for men who know how to cuddle." I admitted, but got no reaction from him. He simply remained stiff so instead of pushing him too far I decided to back off. I had made my point and made my intentions clear. If I kept going I feared I would come on too strong.

 I started to slide my arm out from under his but his hand suddenly grasped mine making me freeze. "Where ya think yer goin'?" He asked in a deep husky voice I'd never heard him use before.

 "I, uh, don't know." I stuttered as he turned over to look at me, keeping my arm over his waist as he did. His eyes were just slits illuminated by the pail morning light as he gazed at me.

 "I think you mean nowhere." He said with a small smirk as he moved to place his hand on my hip. "Come 'ere." It wasn't a question, but a demand and there was no way I could resist, not that I wanted to, when he pulled my hips into his and intertwined his legs with mine.  "How's this for cuddles?" He asked sounding cocky.

 I smirked to myself where my face was tucked into the bend of his neck. I kissed it enjoying his scent as I worked my way to his ear.  "Perfect." I whispered. Then gave his earlobe a nibble. He grunted and held me tighter.

 “You, uh,” he started to ask something but stopped.

 The sudden awkwardness in his tone had me curious. “I, uh, what?” I asked pulling back to look into his eyes.

 “You ever cuddle with anyone else?” he asked not looking me in the eyes.

 “You mean before the turn?” I asked and he still didn’t look at me or answer me. “or are you asking if I cuddle with Rick or T-dog on a regular basis?” his eyes finally met mine when I asked about Rick and T. So I knew that’s what he meant. “It’s strictly survival with them. We sleep back to back. T-dog tried something a few weeks ago, but he’s not really my type.” You answered. “What about you? Do you cuddle with anyone else?” I asked.

 “Na, we’re just friends.” He answered with a head shake.

 “Then what does that make us?” I asked without thinking that it might make things even more awkward. “Um, you don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to.”

 He simply placed his hand on the back of my head and pulled it into his chest. We stayed like this for a few minutes before we heard a knock on the bedroom door. “Daryl, you in there?” Rick’s voice came from the other side and I picked my head up to look at Daryl. “If you are, meet me on the porch, I need help checkin’ the traps before the eaters get to ‘em.”

 We just stared at each other until he heard Rick walk away. “As much as I don’t want you to, you should probably go.” I suggested.

 He nodded and set up as he tossed the sleeping back aside, letting cool air in. I quickly reached for my jacket and put it on as he grabbed his button up blue plaid shirt and shrugged it on. He stood up before me, and reached a hand out to help me up. I took it letting him haul me to my feet. I gave him a nod of thanks, getting a small nod and smile in return. After we had finished getting dressed he headed to the door and grabbed the knob, but stopped and looked back at me. He looked like he was thinking about something then all of a sudden he grabbed my hips, pulled me in and placed a light kiss on my lips. Within seconds the kisses deepened then softened before he pulled back and we opened our eyes. “Wanna share again tonight?” he asked with a glimmer in his eyes that I had never seen before.

 “Definitely.” I answered without even having to think about it.

 “Alright then.” Daryl grumbled with a nod then leaned down and pecked me on the lips. He smirked at me as he pulled the door open then turned and walked out.

 As I rolled up my sleeping bag, I thought about what was to come tonight when Daryl and I slept together again.

Authors note: And once again, sorry if this sucked. It’s been sitting incomplete on my phone for a year now so I figured it was time to finish it the best I can and post it. I am finding it hard to get inspired since losing my mother. It just has me in a weird mind set. So I apologize for the lack of updates. I’m still working on training sessions two. Hopefully I can get that finished tonight and posted tomorrow but don’t hold me to it.

As always if you asked to be tagged and didn’t, didn’t want to be tagged and did, or if you want to be tagged. Please let me know so that I can make those changes. I am horrible at staying up to date on my tag lists.

Daryl Story Tags: @jodiereedus22  @mtngirlforever   @zzeacat   @winchester-angel   @moodygrip   @beegnc   @hells-mistress   @lighthope08   @sapphire1727 @luisadontcurr   @Chloebabyboo @ilkaeliseb   @twdeadfanfic   @ravengalaxia   @1lluminaticonfirmed   @my-current-fandom-is   @Nikkiloves-bailey  @coffeebooksandfandom   @lonewolf471  @khloekiddo

[twilightangel004]

The Princess Of Hope And Beauty - Chapter 3

Hey everybody I’m with chapter 3. I am so sorry that I have not wrote this sooner. I am going to try harder to write this on a more consistent schedule. Hope you all like this chapter.

Here is the link for chapter 1 and chapter 2

                                   Chapter 3

                            A Foolish Decision                                                                                                            

            It was dipping into the afternoon in Hope Kingdom and a young princess was sitting by her window, sighing as she played the violin. Princess Alanna would usually play it as a way to let out her feelings of depression, frustration or sadness. The princess had suffered from these feelings for several years, but they had been amplified by the recent tragedy of the death of her grandparents, and how the kingdom was adjusting to this change.

            As she thought about these life changing events, Alanna played her violin so quickly and so tensely, that she cut her index finger on the strings.

            “Oh no.” Alanna said in slight annoyance. The cut did not really upset her, but rather how her parents would react to it. They wanted nothing bad to happen to their daughter even if it was the most miniscule thing. Alanna was irritated by their mindset, but she knew why they thought like that.

            Ever since the night Alanna was almost taken away by the forces of despair. Towa and her husband, Shut became very protective of her. They made sure that she would never be in any kind of danger, so they assigned guards to stand outside Alanna’s bedchambers and on the castle grounds near her window. In addition to that, whenever the princess was out to a royal event or just wanted to go to the marketplace or any of Hope Kingdom’s lush meadows to admire the scenery, there were always people to chaperone her and watch her like a hawk. Alanna did not really mind this when she was a little girl, because she hated to be alone. However, as she was entering her years of adolescence, she began to hate the extra attention because almost everyone treated her like she was permanently six years old.

            Soon Alanna heard a knocking at her doors, and without warning her mother entered the room.

            “Hello Alanna, I just wanted to check on you. What have you been up to?”

            “Nothing Mama. Just playing my violin.” She said as she was putting her hands behind her back to hide the cut. Unfortunately, her mother was quick to know that something bad happened.

            “What do you have behind your back?” Towa said as someone who was curious, and not like a mother demanding her child obey her. Alanna took a deep breath and prepared herself for the reaction she hated. She put her injured hand out in front of her mother as a small drop of blood fell on the floor     “Alanna, what happened?” the mother princess asked as she looked at her child’s cut.

            “It’s nothing Mama. I was just playing my violin, and I accidentally cut myself.” Alanna tried to tell her mother that it was something not to be concerned about, but Towa was more fixated on the injury than her daughter’s words.

            “Well, we should go and clean it up.” Towa said as she escorted the princess out of her chambers to get some water and antibiotics. Alanna really wanted to tell her mother that she could do this by herself, but she had given up on telling her parents anything of the sort. Instead of seeing her as a young teenager, her mother still saw her as a dependent, vulnerable little girl that needed her parent’s protection all the time.

            As they were walking across the castle halls, Alanna was hoping that the worst was over for now, until she heard a voice.

            “Hello. my sweet princess.”

            Alanna internally groaned as she realized that her father was just a few feet away from her this was what she had been dreading.

            “What are you doing?”

            “Alanna cut herself, so we were going to cle...” Towa tried to tell her husband but was cut off when Shut quickly ran up to them in the same way a loyal dog would come to their troubled owner.

            “Alanna, are you alright? What happened? You didn’t do this on purpose did you?” Shut kept frantically asking his child which overwhelmed her. She knew that her mother could slightly overreact, but it was nothing when compared to her father, who would treat every small incident as if it would have apocalyptic consequences. Alanna did love her father a great deal but at the age of fourteen, she was starting to be embarrassed by him whenever they were out because of those mannerism.

            “Papa, I was just playing my violin. It really is noth...”

            “It’s alright Alanna. Just please be careful next time.” Shut told his daughter as he was trying to calm himself down.

            “You do realize that she just has a tiny cut. It’s not like she severed her arm off.” The striped scarf around Shut’s neck spoke in an annoyed tone.

            “I realized that Lock! You don’t have to tell me.” Shut told his supposed friend.

            Thank you, Lock. Alanna thought in relief. Even though he could be very grumpy almost all the time, Lock could be the voice of reason when her parents are overreacting. In some way, Alanna believed he was doing this as a favor for her because he saw her as a friend, even though he never let down his apathetic attitude. 

            The mother princess and the royal image consultant escorted their daughter to the nurse’s chambers, and in just a few minutes, Alanna’s cut was cleaned up. She could have sworn that she saw both her parents sigh in relief. She could not really blame them for why they acted like this when their child would have an injury or fall ill, because it was those things that took away the lives of her grandparents. 

            It was only three years ago when Alanna’s grandmother, the queen, had lost her life to a horrid disease that made it difficult for her to breath. In addition, five months ago, her grandfather, the king died from an accident when riding his horse. The doctors tried their best to help him recover, but a few days later he was no longer part of this world. She remembered how saddening the funeral was. The entire kingdom was mourning, and Alanna was sad for losing her beloved grandparents. However, that sorrow was miniscule in comparison to how Princess Towa and Prince Kanata felt for they were now orphans, and they were now given full responsibility to look after their kingdom.

            Alanna was walking down to her bed chambers while her mother and father were right behind her. Suddenly she heard a familiar, cheerful voice.

            “Alanna- daizu!” Shouted a beagle like fairy in excitement as she raced up to the princess for a huge hug that almost knocked Alanna down. Alanna giggled in amusement of her closest friend.

            “Good, morning Daisy. You sure are in a good mood.”

            “That’s because I love seeing you – daizu.”

            “I apologize your majesty,” said the guard who was posted at the entrance to the princess’s bed chambers. “I told her that you were not in your chambers and as soon as she saw you, I could not stop her in time from tackling you.” He said in slight agitation as he stared at Daisy. Alanna just smiled as the beagle fairy looked at her and gave a sad expression as if she did something wrong.

            “It’s alright. I know you were trying to do your job.” Alanna said in a considerate tone, but once again her father had to give his thoughts on the situation.

            “You should be more alert when trying to protect my daughter.” Shut spoke to the guard as if he had sovereign power like his wife. “It may have been a fairy this time, but what if next time it’s an 

assassin, and if anything happens to my little girl, you will lose your status.” Shut almost intimidated the guard with his over dramatic mannerism.

            “Dear, I think he understands.” Towa tried to calm her husband down.

            As her parents were talking to one another, Alanna used this time to talk to her friend.

            “What were you up to today?”

            “I wanted to know if you could come to the marketplace with me – daizu.”

            “I don’t know Daisy. Tomorrow’s the coronation and I think they may want me to do something.”

            “Just ask them if you could do it later – daizu.” Daisy responded in a casual way, as if she were not talking to a princess. Alanna never seemed to mind that, in fact she was happy that she had someone who saw as an ordinary girl, because the rest of the citizens saw her as their princess. With the persuasion of the beagle fairy, Alanna decided she needed to get out of the castle for a little bit. Although she had to ask her mother and father if she could go. This was a rule that they taught her at such a young age that now she had become accustomed to this routine.

            “Mama, Papa can I go to the marketplace with Daisy?” Her parents had a brief pause and looked at one another as if they were trying to hear what the other one had to say mentally.

            “Alright, you can go, but I would like someone to come along with the two of you.” The mother princess stated.

            “Can Puff and Aroma come?” Alanna asked. She really hoped that those royal fairies would be her chaperones for that day.     

            Sometimes her chaperone would be one or two of the royal guards which would become very awkward because they mostly kept a serious attitude with them while Alanna just wanted to enjoy her time away from the castle. There were other times when her father wanted to go with them which embarrassed Alanna most of the time, for he would treat her like a small child. Shut would also boast to people about how beautiful his precious daughter was which made Alanna blush with such embarrassment, especially when she was trying to socialize with children who were her age.

            These situations would extract much joy from Alanna’s trips to the marketplace, but thankfully she would have a break from that when the fairy siblings were assigned to the task. Occasionally when the guards could not escort her due to other duties, her Uncle Kanata would have his butler Aroma and the maid Puff escort the princess. Alanna always loved it when those two were with her because they were easier going than the guards and despite Aroma being somewhat nagging and both of them treating her too much like a princess, they were still sweet and fun to be with.

            “You would have to see if they’re busy, but yes, it is alright for them to come.” Towa continued “Alanna, will you please comeback before sunset though you do need to prepare for tomorrow.”

            “And by that time, I’ll find the most gorgeous of dresses for you to wear.” Alanna’s father chimed in.

            “Thank you, Mama and Papa. I promise I will be back before then.” Alanna spoke and went off to find Puff and Aroma.  

            The fairy siblings were with the soon to be King Kanata in the throne room helping the servants decorate for the coming coronation. Kanata was the crown prince to Hope Kingdom, so after his parents’ death he had to take their place as ruler. His younger sister Towa was never envious of her brother. Even though she would never be queen, she would still take as much responsibility as her brother had to look after their homeland.

            “Look, it’s Alanna-sama – pafu.” The little poodle fairy said in cheer as the princess and Daisy arrived at the throne room.

            “Good afternoon Uncle.” Alanna curtsied to Kanata, Daisy also tried to mimic but tripped over her own paws.

            “Well what brings you here, Alanna? Are you excited for tomorrow? It is an important day for you as well.”

            Those words made Alanna chock a little. The coronation was manly going to involve Kanata, but Alanna was going to have a part in it as well. Since he had never found a girl that he wished to be his wife, it was decided that Towa’s daughter Alanna would become the crown princess of Hope Kingdom. Everyone in her family was overjoyed to hear that she would be destined to be the next ruler of Hope Kingdom, even Alanna at a young age would have adored having that responsibility. However, at the present time, Alanna did not really want to have that duty.

            “Yes, I am really excited.” She spoke as she tried to hide her nervous stutter. It was difficult for her to lie to people with how she really felt about things, because she did not want to offend anyone.

            The little beagle fairy sensed her friend’s difficulty in trying to talk about tomorrow, so she interrupted her and asked the prince, “Your highness, Alanna and I wanted to go to the marketplace, and we wondered if Puff and Aroma could join us. Is that alright- daizu?”

            Kanata looked over at the royal fairy siblings. Puff was waging her tail in excitement of the idea, and Aroma was trying to keep a professional attitude, but his eyes showed a gleam of eagerness.

            “I think it will be alright. Puff, Aroma please escort the princess to the marketplace.”

            “Yes, your highness- roma.” The butler fairy responded. With that permission Puff and Aroma left the castle with Alanna and Daisy.

            The whole kingdom was covered in pastels of pinks, blues, yellows and reds. There were decorations all over the towns and marketplace in celebration for the coming coronation.

            “So pretty- Pafu.” The pink poodle said in wonder as if she were still a young puppy.

            “Yeah. It is nice – daizu.” The beagle responded with half the enthusiasm as Puff.

            Even though the dog fairies got along very well they had major differences besides appearance and age. Puff still had the mindset of a child but was very dainty and always showed extreme respect to the royal family. Daisy was more boisterous, feisty and did not show much respect to important figures. That did not mean that she was rude, she still showed kindness to people who she thought were good.

            “Now what would you like to do- Roma” The parrot fairy asked the princess.

            “How about we go to the dress shop?” Alanna asked the others more like a friend rather than a princess to her servants. All of them including Daisy agreed to go in an adorable synchronized yes.

            As the girl and the fairies entered the quaint little shop, a woman watched them from a distance. She was wearing a long dark purple hooded cloak that shown its age from the tattered and worn out markings. She expressed a small smirk on her lips, as if she would get something that she long desired very soon.

            The owner and seamstress were very familiar with Alanna for this was the store where she received most of her outfits that she wore in her whole life. They were also very familiar with Shut, who would sometimes take his daughter to the store to pick out a new dress or have the seamstresses make a brand new one of a kind gowns for his precious daughter.

            Alanna use to have wonderful times with her father when they did that, but in the recent years those trips became more stressful. Shut had become a bit too critical over any small imperfection for his daughter’s new outfit. Alanna had never really cared about little mistakes the seamstresses made whether it had a missing rhinestone, or it was not the exact color she wanted. She knew that they put their heart and soul into the gowns that they made for her, and she appreciated that. Her father could never ignore these errors which would lead to him arguing with the shop owner and making it seem like it was a bigger issue than it was. Alanna was always embarrassed when this happened, but she could never really speak up to her father because she did not want to hurt his feelings. He was only doing this because he loved her and only wanted the best things for her.

            As Alanna was walking around the store looking at all the lovely new dresses, there was a loud thud from one of the corners.

            “Uhhh.” The shop owner groaned in exhausted agitation. Alanna walked over to see what the problem was. Puff and Aroma also came to see what distraught the shop owner.

            “I can’t believe it- Roma.” Aroma said as he slapped his forehead with his wing. There on the ground was Daisy who was almost hard to identify because she was covered in rainbows of ribbons, beads and other accessories which were all tangled up in huge knots what looked like it would take hours to undo. This would explain the shop keepers rang of expressions from the horrifying dread for the long hours fixing this mess to utter anger that looked like she was about to strangle Daisy.

            Alanna looked at Daisy, who’s big blue eyes were still visible under all the string, with a glance that said why did you do this. The beagle fairy had seen this look countless times for as long as she was friends with the princess to the point where she did not need Alanna to say a word and just explain what happened.

            “I was just trying to find something pretty for you -daizu. So, I dug through the box and suddenly I fell, and everything was dark- daizu.”

            Alanna silently forgave her friend’s mess however her eyes viewed the shop owner, who’s face now looked like a swollen cherry. She knew she had to get her beagle friend out of the store before things got worse.

            “Puff, Aroma, could you please be so kind as to help clean up this mess. I have to take Daisy out to have a talk to her on proper store etiquette.” The princess spoke in a false firm command as she picked up Daisy.

            “As you wish your majesty.” The royal fairies responded in a synchronized way and with a puff of smoke they transformed into their human forms because it would be easier for them to untangle the accessories rather than as a poodle and small bird.

            As Alanna opened the front door outside, she felt something continuously touching her chest like a bird was trying to flap away from her. She looked down to see the it was Daisy waging her tail in excitement of going outside. The princess smiled at the little beagle and was reminded of another peculiar trait that made Daisy different from all the other fairies in Hope Kingdom. Many of the fairies looked up to the royal fairies which were not just Puff and Aroma, but also the royal teachers Miss Shamour and Mr. Kuroro, because they had the ability to transform into humans. That was a privilege to only fairies who worked hard on pursuing their goals, which inspired almost all the fairies in the kingdom to work harder. All except for Daisy.

            This question came to the princess on the day of her birthday a few months ago. It became a normal routine for a ball to be held for any of the royal family’s birthdays or other special occasions. A normal routine for Alanna on her birthday was to have small talk with guests and dancing with almost all the boys who attended. Even thought She would have a good time, she would always become emotionally exhausted by the end of the night, for she had to wear the facade of confidence as if it was a mask and the ball was one of masquerade. Most of the guests would speak a bit too properly for her taste and she sometimes would look at what the other children were doing. She would see them laughing and causally talking to one another without any fear of embarrassing themselves, she wished she were like that. There was one part in the night where Alanna could relax and that was when she sat with Daisy who was delightfully eating as many deserts as possible. Both watched the activities of the guests and they soon overheard some fairies resembling kittens and puppies awing in wonder at the royal fairies in human form. They said things such as “Aren’t they amazing?” or “I wish I could turn into a human.” and “I don’t know what fairy wouldn’t want that.” As the princess overheard them, she turned over to Daisy and pondered the question.

            “Daisy…”

            “Yes- daizu.” The little beagle looking up from a pink frosted piece of cake she was munching.

            “Do you wish to have that?”

            “Have what- daizu?”

            “A human form.” This question had the little beagle pause for a moment and really think about it, until replying with “No. Not really- daizu.” In a happy go lucky manner. This further peeked the princess’s interest.

            “But all the other fairies would want a chance to have that.”

            “Alanna, I’m happy the way I am – daizu. And I know you would be my friend no matter what- daizu.” Hearing those words made Alanna smile. It was true that she would be Daisy’s friend no matter what. She admired the little fairy’s confidence in who she was as an individual. The princess felt a little bad for thinking that maybe one day Daisy could be the catalyst for her to discover her own self confidence. 

            This bubble of thought burst when the little beagle hoped out of the princess’s arms. Daisy started to run in the direction of a little cart.

            “I know that smell – daizu. Come on Alanna, let’s go see what the flower cart has- daizu.” Daisy spoke as her run evolved from a prance to bunny like hops.

            “Wait Daisy!” The princess expressed as she lifted her dress to walk a bit faster. She was not in the right outfit to run and catchup with the fairy. The little beagle was not perfect by any means, but if there was one trait that was aggravating for Alanna it was when Daisy picked up an interesting scent and would have to search for the source of it. No matter how far. This was frustrating for Alanna because she always wore long skirts which constantly slowed her down and she could never catch up to Daisy, and half of the time Daisy would wind up lost. Thankfully, Alanna would always find her because her beagle friend would howl in distress.

            As Alanna was trying to get through a crowd of people, Daisy collided into a person by accident. The bump made Daisy sneezed.

            “What was that? Did I run into someone?” Asked the bumped person who sounded embarrassed. Daisy was almost going to ponder why the lady would not look down to see her, however she quickly understood why. The woman was taping the ground with a long wooden cane, she wore a raggedy purple cloak that covered her head with only a few strands of her lavender hair showing, which looked like she had not washed it in a long time. Her face was youthful but mature. Any sign of beauty was hidden by a black blindfold that covered her entire forehead and the top of her cheeks. She was holding a can in one hand and a handled cup in the other.

            Alanna caught up in time to see the little beagle bowing her head in apology as she said “No mam I was the one who ran into you -daizu. I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to do that -daizu. I had no idea you were bli…”

            “Oh, there you are Daisy.” The princess interrupted her friend before she would say something she would regret later. As she picked up the beagle, the princess apologized for her friend.

            “It is really alright” The stranger said “I am surprised that was the first body I bumped into today. There are so many out and about.”

            “How do you know tha…” Daisy was going to ask out of curiosity, but Alanna put her hand on her mouth to prevent her friend from accidently offending the woman.

            “Oh, I may not have my eyes, but my hearing is much stronger than you think. I can hear at least hundreds of people out today.” The stranger did not take offence to the fairy’s question but knew it came from innocent curiosity. “I can understand why so many people are so noisy, it’s hard to be quiet when we are going to have a new king for our land tomorrow. I do hope that Prince Kanata will be a fine, justly ruler.”

            Alanna realized that the woman had no idea that she was talking to the kingdom’s princess. She did not want to bring up her status because she was curious what a citizen thought of the royal family. It would be a different experience than hearing it from someone who knew who Alanna was.

            “I think he will be a great king; he seems very wise and kindhearted.” She said genuinely, for she knew he was in fact, a good man. He done so much for his niece over the years.

            “Yes, I have heard that he is kind and wise, but I do wonder if he is brave and strong enough to protect us?”

            “Protect us from what?” The princess asked with concern. She wondered if the blind peasant was talking about invaders from neighboring kingdoms, but she knew that her homeland had good ties with other kingdoms which would never create conflict.

            “It may seem silly, but I wonder if the king, his sister and niece will protect us from the forces of despair, if that witch ever reforms again.”

            This made Alanna pause, she had no idea how to respond to the blind woman’s statement. She wished she could say that the royal family could stop Dyspear if she ever returned once again. Her mother always told her that she and the other PreCure did battle the witch and won many years ago. She never wanted to scare Alanna, but she said that the forces of despair will never truly vanish, that they gather power for many years before they become a true threat. She did calm her daughter down by saying that when it does come back, there will always be those to oppose it and become the new PreCure.

            Alanna was told this many times in her life, but she pondered at that moment; what if there are no PreCure next time Dyspear reappears?

            “I don’t know myself, but I am sure the royal family will do everything in their power to stop it, and I do hope that new legendary guardians will aid them.” The princess tried to say in a confident tone not to worry the disabled woman.

            “Yes, the Precure are truly powerful, but I believe that the royal family should not force other people to aid them in their battle. They are supposed to be our people’s symbol of hope. If they cannot battle despair by themselves, wouldn’t that make them a false symbol? You may not agree with me but that is not my idea of a true noble ruler. I remember when the prince would frequently check the status of the forest to see if anything sinister was occurring, but it seems like he stopped doing that, even after what happened to Princess Alanna. I did hear that years ago that she was influenced by that cursed forest and we almost lost her. It really upsets me that Prince Kanata never investigated that forest and burned any traces of that witch’s dark magic. I’m really uncomfortable with him taking almost all of the responsibility of our kingdom when he does not take an urgent action of that.” The peasant woman paused “I am so sorry; I didn’t mean to ramble on like that.”

            “No, you don’t have to apologize, you actually had some very interesting views that I never really thought about.” Alanna said with honesty, for she had a new view on her family. She than realized that she still had her hand over Daisy’s mouth this entire time.

            “Sorry Daisy.” As she moved her hand.

“That’s okay-daizu.” The beagle said with no hard feelings. They then briefly heard Puff and Aroma shouting for them.

            “I apologize but I have to go, it was really nice to talk to you miss.”

            “Wait, before you go, can I ask maybe for the smallest copper you have?” The peasant woman asked as she lifted her cup.

            “Oh sure, here you can have a gold coin.” After she showed generosity, Alanna ran off to the royal fairies.

            The peasant woman walked to a dark alleyway where no one could view her. She dropped her cane and pulled off her blindfold to reveal dark purple eyes that had vision. She picked up the gold coin and gave off the smirk of a mischievous child who had won a game.

            “Well that wasn’t too much work. Hopefully, my words pierced the little brat’s thick head. Did not have to do much pretending, I just said it as it is.” Suddenly a pair of ruby eyes shined in the shadows. “Now will just have to wait. Guess we should prepare the ritual in the meantime. You’re sure that we will know when she’ll go into the forest?” The question was responded with only silence, but the ruby eyes gave off an aura for the answer. “Alright, you haven’t failed me yet.” As the woman walked away the owner of the red eyes flew and landed on her shoulder. It was a menacing bird, but one that has been in the kingdom for years, and one that had formed a second plan involving the princess and her family.

            It was evening at the castle. Alanna had to do dress rehearsal for the coronation the next day. She was not very talkative because she spent most of the time trapped in a mental whirlpool of thoughts and emotions as the rest of her family were doing tasks for the coronation. Once the rehearsal was over, Alanna and Daisy talked in her bed chambers.   

“Alanna are you alright- daizu?”

            “No, Daisy I am not all right. Remember what that blind woman said about my family?”

            “Oh, you shouldn’t listen to what a stranger says- daizu.”

            “But it’s so true. My family have not done much since the forest incident, except increase the protection only for me. What about our people? What if that evil influence would taint an innocent’s heart?”

            “I’m sure someone would tell your family about that and they will step in- daizu.”

            “That isn’t enough Daisy, we have to make sure that it never gets to that situation.” The princess sighed and with a slight hesitation. “If I’m going to be the crowned princess and future queen of this Kingdom, I have to prove myself. I am going to have to face my fear for my people….I’m going to see if the evil is forming again…..I’m going to the Forest of Despair.”

[kamino-ink]

Lacuna | Seo Changbin

✧  lacuna - a blank space; a missing part

✧ Genre: Fantasy!au, fluff, cutie changbinnie

✧ Summary: as a little girl, you absolutely adored horses - but one day, you’re thrown off of one in the middle of a race, leaving your legs crippled. when your parents finally muster up the courage to ask ylanta’s court wizard for help, you end up being stuck inside a palace with no one to talk to - except the cute stableboy that just won’t leave your side.

✧ Word Count: 2.3k

✧ PSA!! this installment is a bit more serious in a sense; while i’ll let you find out what I mean for yourself, please know that this piece can potentially hit home for many of us in the world in regards to loving yourself and finding happiness outside of whatever might be holding you down in life

✧ Other installments in the series: woojin, chan, jeongin, hyunjin, minho, jisung, felix, seungmin

                                         ✧

the country-side land known as grimsby had been the place you’d grown up in, and much like the other kids, you were raised around farms and livestock

rather than worrying about the length of your nails or the cleanliness of your dapper shoes, you strode over to your family’s farmhouse and helped pile bales of hay onto a makeshift wagon so your mother could tow the yellow bales to the livestock

you owned one pair of boots that looked normal and tattered, splashed with long-since dried mud and other substances found on the common farm

except, your family had been running the quaint farm for centuries; in fact, whenever they would go out riding through town, the harness and saddle of whatever horse they were using was always painted the two colors of your family emblem: a dainty green and pigmented gray

honestly you could have cared less about the family business, you simply cared for the horses

the pigs were damn cute, of course, but they never seemed to get along with you

and sure the sheep were soft as pillows, but they screamed at you whenever you walked past their pasture

meanwhile the grazing horses let you stroke their manes and clean their bodies, not once flinched or shying away from your demeanor, which is why you simply adored them

then came the month of ayrith, where the royal family and other special guests from all over the country would travel to grimsby to watch what was called the greatest sporting event in the entire country

from endurance runs to throwing barrels full of flour across the field, all of the events were entertaining and made for some friendly competition

the biggest event of them all, however, was the horse-race

one representative from each family in the town could participate in the race, although the scary part is that everyone in grimsby took this particular race very, very seriously

including your parents

both of your mothers (your father is a case we won’t speak of, the conniving twit-) were dead set on having you make your racing debut this year, as in two years time, ylanta would be hosting an even bigger racing competition with the bordering countries

so it was likely that whoever won this race would be chosen to represent the whole country in the next two years

which was nerve-wracking, to say the least

you had grown up around horses, obviously, and held a natural bond with the stunning creatures that you could’ve flaunted all day

except... you’d never properly rode on one

your mothers refused to listen to your concerns the day of the race, and the days before that, saying that you were such a natural that you would have no problems competing (which was by far the most idiotic thing you had ever heard, but you were younger, more easily influenced by the talk of your dear mothers, hence why you didn’t doubt them... sort of)

when it came time to mount your horse, who’s name was redwick, you just barely managed to pull your body up onto the saddle

maybe you would be fine after all

you knew there was no possible way you could win, having no racing experience beforehand; but you were eager to see other racers in action just feet away from you

you kept reassuring yourself of this as you were led to the starting line, redwick not making a noise of complaint the entire time

even as the whistle went off in the background you kept saying that everything would be alright - even as redwick started to trot at a faster pace than you expected

then he started to go too fast, and you were nearing a sharp turn

you tried to stop him, or at least make the horse slow down, to no avail

you just didn't know what to do

you were helpless

the second you hit the curve you were thrown off of his back, your hands slick with a nervous sweat so that you were unable to cling to the reigns

with a sickening thump you hit the ground, the lower part of your back completely and utterly numb at the harsh impact

you could still hear the faint screams of the concerned audience, the worried shouts of another racer who showed good sportsmanship in falling behind to help you up

you remembered everything

those retched nightmares haunted you each night after that, even as another three years passed by like a ticking timebomb

“now, sweetheart,” one of your mother’s began to speak quietly, causing you to glance over at her blankly, “once we arrive at the palace, we are going to go speak with the court wizard about your legs. you have already been given permission to roam around, just don’t try to sneak upstairs into their chambers, alright?”

“yeah, sure.” you brushed off her sickly sweet tone with a roll of your eyes, going back to staring outside the window of your carriage, watching as the people of the capital giggled and ran around without a care in the world

you missed that feeling of utter freedom, the feeling of being able to dip your toes into the sticky brown mud after a rainstorm, or the feeling of being able to pop the joints in your legs even after being scolded about it by your mothers

you would give anything to be able to walk again

within another few minutes the carriage has slowed down to a complete halt just inside the palace walls, having been taken over a bridge of sorts

the sliding door opened, revealing a boy who couldn’t be much older than yourself, one hand held nervously out to you while the other rested on the handle of what seemed to be a makeshift wheelchair

“miss y/n, correct?” he asks softly, his voice carrying a hint of natural roughness. after your nod of confirmation he gently helps you down from the carriage and into the wheelchair, which has a plush pillow meant for your own comfort

“alright babygirl, we’ll come find you after the meeting,” one of your mothers hums lovingly, leaning down to peck the top of your head while the other scrunches her nose and looks away from your pitiful form, stuck in the wheelchair, “be careful.” and with that, they’re gone, following a pair of guards clad in red armor into the castle

you tilt your head to look back at the boy who had assisted you into the wheelchair, “what’s your name, shorty?”

“changbin - my name is changbin - and please don't call me that.” he pleads in an exasperated tone, making you snicker quietly in amusement

“so, changbinnie, where can a cripple girl get some food around here?” you ask him nonchalantly, expecting him to flinch at your self-deprecating joke, though he instead playfully rolled his eyes and set his hands firmly on the handles of your wheelchair and swiftly whisked you around towards the entrance of the castle

“where anyone else can find some decent food in this place, y/n - to the royal kitchen!” he let out a giggle as he started to push you inside, your lips parted in a shriek when he continues to pick up the pace and whisk you away into the wonderous castle

this keeps going for quite some time; changbin, who you learned was the resident stableboy, would recklessly whisk you away to different parts of the castle at any given time of the day - or night

of course, him being tasked as the one to help you around each day in the castle didn’t exactly help the situation either

not that you wanted it to be any different

because for once you weren’t being given pitiful looks or being treated like a porcelain doll; you were already cripple, anyway, so you personally didn't see the big deal in letting you have fun for once

and by fun, you meant changbin waking you up in the wee hours of the morning, wheelchair in tow as he helped you get dressed (which wasn’t even a big deal in itself, as you wore underwear that resembled shorts, so he couldn’t even try to see anything more than the already exposed skin)

he would take you anywhere and everywhere, even though you knew you could wheel yourself around

a couple of weeks had passed since you had arrived at the palace, but still there was no promising words coming from the court wizard named minho

he was a high elf skilled in magic of all areas imaginable, but he had never dealt with someone who had no further feeling in their legs

even he couldn't offer any surefire results

while you probably would’ve had a fit about it ages ago, you found that you could still be yourself and do the things you loved without the feeling in your legs

if you wanted to go to the market, changbin was there to push you along the sandstone paths through the bustling crowds, politely asking for someone who got too close to back away before they could accidently hurt you

or if you wanted to swim in the lake behind the palace, which was technically forbidden, changbin was right by your side, attaching a pair of floating devices he had minho conjure the night before onto your arms to make it easier for you to float

within a matter of a few weeks the self-titled ‘dark’ stableboy had become someone you depended on - someone you indefinitely needed by your side

whenever he would take you out to the palace garden, lunch in hand, he would make sure to place a red and white blanket on the ground and voluntarily help you sit up on the fluffy material, placing a pillow on the back of your wheelchair so you could lean against it properly

he would hand you a haphazard attempt of a sandwich and a glass of lemonade, blushing each time you playfully teased him on his poor skills in the kitchen

still you would eat anything he made for you for lunch, all because he made it

seo changbin, the stableboy who had been by your side the entire time

then came the day you had forgot about - hell you never expected it to even happen at this point

“y/n, come quick! minho finally found a cure for your legs!” your parents had cried out joyfully in the middle of your lunch with changbin, effectively plopping you back into your wheelchair and dragging you off to another part of the castle, even as you hissed in surprise and gestured for a stunned changbin to follow

but they had already pulled you into a strange room, shutting the door and preventing the stableboy from following you into the court wizard’s chambers

“alright miss y/n,” the high elf hummed, ignoring the excitement radiating from your mothers while they impatiently waited for him to do whatever he needed to do, “as a precaution, I am going to tell you everything about this spell and even where I got it from, as to make sure you are satisfied completely. understand?” you of course nod, your eyes not once leaving the elf as he adjusts the bowtie on his robe and continues to flip through a book on his desk, not once looking up at you or your parents

“so this particular spell actually came from a witch in arbington; I have an acquaintance down there who knows her... well enough,” he pauses, a small smirk twitching onto his thin lips, “anywho, she’s skilled in the art of healing magic - its something all magical beings can learn, but it is hard to master. she taught me the incantation and confirmed that she has used it before, so no need to worry. the one downside is that this spell can only heal one person every twelve months - its a reasonable cost for how powerful and draining it is, so be careful after this, okay? just, sit back and relax - you do want this, right?”

“of course she does-”

you quickly interrupt your mothers’ protests, nervously gripping onto the sides of your wheelchair. “I - I... no, I don’t want this.”

and you don’t, you realize, the stunned silence of your mothers and the intrigued wizard only further supporting your sudden decision

if he could only use it once per year, you didn't want to use it on yourself

you knew that there were other people who needed it more, who couldn’t feel happy with themselves being crippled

but you - you had found your happiness even without the use of your legs, with changbin

he had somehow taught you to love yourself no matter the circumstances, he showed you that the world could still be beautiful and loving

surely if you were happy, there was someone else out there who could benefit more from the powerful spell

it wasn’t a case of you settling for the fact that maybe someone out there in the world had it worse - it was you realizing that you did still love yourself, and that you deserved happiness in the form of whatever, or whoever, you wished it to be

and that person happened to be the short stableboy still waiting outside the wizard’s chambers

ignoring the baffled stutters of your parents, you swiveled yourself around and pushed the door open so you could find changbin - who had been pacing up and down the hall, nibbling on his fingernails nervously

when he saw you, he didn't ask why you weren’t up on your two feet; instead he leaned down and nearly crushed you with how strong his arms wrapped around you

“changbinnie~” you cooed beside his ear, gently pushing him away just enough so your temples were now pressed together, his eyes searching yours for any sign of regret for refusing the spell, “thank you.”

“w-why are you thanking me?”

“because you make me so fucking happy, shorty.” you laugh softly, quickly pecking his parted lips before he could protest, pulling back just as fast, your cheeks heating up to a degree you didn’t know was even possible

“thank y-you, y/n.”

“now why are you thanking me, binnie?”

“for kissing me.”

                                         ✧

[colitisandme]

There seems to be some kind of misconception, that having an invisible illness makes you invisible. It does not. Although it certainly can make you feel like you are. An invisible illness, by its very nature may present no visible symptoms, may appear like nothing is wrong. You may look perfectly ‘normal’, you may sound ‘normal’ but an invisible illness is sneaky and disguises itself so it can surreptitiously slink it’s way into situations, circumstances, meetings or gatherings undetected and rip apart your body from the inside, cause chaos and general destruction in every part of your being whilst leaving no trace on the outside. Much like a spy, a ninja or an assassin. And yet whilst silent and unassuming on the outside, on the inside this invisible illness is violent, loud, angry, suffocating, deadly and consuming. It can consume your whole world and just because it’s not seen, it doesn’t mean it can’t devour everything in its path.

My first invisible illness of glandular fever was met with raised eyebrows and suspicious glances. “You don’t look ill” my teachers would say. What the hell does that mean? Don’t look ill? If they meant my leg wasn’t hanging off then no I didn’t look ill. If they meant I wasn’t vomiting on my fellow classmates then no I didn’t appear ill. If they assumed because I wasn’t standing in the middle of R.E wailing and clutching my stomach whilst turning a lovely shade of puce, foaming at the mouth and gnashing my teeth I wasn’t ill, then no, obviously I wasn’t ill. Not at all. Sure. On the outside my body was playing tricks with people. I may have looked okay. I may have been able to speak in coherent sentances, bid hello to my fellow man, and go through a whole day without turning yellow, develop cold sweats and break out into a pox. It doesn’t mean I wasn’t ill. I was ill. I assure my bullies who liked to debate if I was ill or not whilst verbally and physically pummelling the crap out of me, that every day my body and mind felt like I had run a marathon wearing a space suit, weights and flippers, that to concentrate on the joys of Physics, I had to harness every ounce of concentration I could possess, not to curl up on the floor and go to sleep because the tiredness was enveloping me coaxing me to give in and take a nap on my study book. That the shaking in my right arm was not there for shits and giggles, nor was it because I woke up and decided that a fun way to spice up my English lesson was to become a human vibrator. Funnily enough it wasn’t on my agenda.

Why does an invisible illness have to have a face? Why, because you can’t understand it does it make it, any the less real or any the less life changing? It’s ironic that the more invisible the illness made me feel, the more I wanted to scream out “I’m here” so people would see me, understand my illness, accept my illness and as a result would treat me like I was visible. But the more visible the symptoms were, the worse treatment I would get, so I tried to make myself just as invisible as the illness and hide the symptoms as much as I could to stay safe and in control.

An invisible illness doesn’t have to be a physical illness. Depression, anxiety, MH difficulties, Chronic fatigue syndrome, self harm, ME, IBD - there are so many numerous invisible illnesses. Although different in their make up., The results of having an invisible illness can be very similar. Isolation, loneliness, lack of finances, sadness and frustration can all be bi-products of an invisible illness, and several of these made me feel worse than the diagnosis itself.

When I became diagnosed with IBD, My life changed over night. I have always been incredibly sociable. My whole world revolved around people and making others happy. Because I couldn’t fix myself I would help others. I guess I wasn’t comfortable being around my own self nor listening to my own thoughts, which to me sounded like a very loud, very enthusiastic, one man band, playing the one tune he knows over and over again, and even though the audience has gone home, he yells the lyrics anyway, screeching over the symbols and accordion hoping to get some attention and maybe applause, but instead he gets shouted at to ‘shut the hell up,’ and ends up with fruit thrown at him by angry neighbours trying to sleep. But when I imploded in spectacular fashion, I was forced to spend huge amounts of time on my own. I had no choice. My husband worked, my friends were busy, my family doesn’t live near me. I couldn’t get out of the house because I was physically and also mentally too unwell.

At the beginning, just walking to the bus stop felt like I was drowning in quicksand. Being in a crowd used to make my heart race, eating out used to cause me distress and anxiety. Because my body and mind simultaneously waved the white flag at the same time I had no reserves. I was signed off sick, so was let go from work, I couldn’t pop out to see my friends so I spent days by myself. I was stuck. I couldn’t fight. Whereas before I would stubbornly kick and scream and drag myself through what ever I was thinking or feeling until I saw light on the other side, I couldn’t do that. I had to ask for help (which I hate doing) but even when I did, help didn’t come. I waited 3 months to get mental health support for depression and anxiety and I have so far had zero help, support or guidance from conventional doctors since being diagnosed. I became incredibly lonely, isolated and invisible again. All those feelings I dealt with when I was in Secondary School came flooding back. It was an effort to get myself out of bed in the beginning. It was hard to eat, I looked like a ghost but because my body likes to deceive others, especially my doctors, my blood work, my temperature my SATS were all okay and so I remained invisible. Even though I was admitted to hospital because I felt like my insides were being torn apart by wild horses, I remained invisible. Every time my surgeon came round to my bed he genuinely looked like he might cry, because he couldn’t patch me up, take something out or put something in to ‘fix’ me. At this point I felt like I was being held together with blue tac and sticky backed plastic, but still remained invisible. I left hospital with 9 boxes of drugs, still in pain and feeling like I might turn into a human sprinkler due to all the holes they put in me, not fixed, not better and still very invisible. Apparently looking like the Crypt keeper was not enough to make me less see-through, and because my illness was invisible I was thrown to the back of the line.

I am not going to lie, spending every day by yourself bar a couple is hard. Evenings were better because I had company, but the days were hard. I spent huge amounts of time by myself and I was very scared, as I only had myself for physical company and I didn’t like myself. I was worried how myself and I would get along in confined spaces, and I had genuine concern we would tear each other apart like savage dogs. But then a wierd thing happened. Because I was so physically ill, I had no room to deal with my mind. The physical symptoms took over my body with such force, I had no time to think. I had no mind space to worry about anything other than my body and getting through the next moment. And so all those worries and anxieties and pressure I piled on myself that seemed so important before, pailed into insignificance. So strangely little by little, I started to get along with myself. I tried crafts for the first time (my friends got me a care package when I first became ill and one of many items was a make your own felt sloth) and when I finished him I was truly proud. I got a happy diary and wrote in that, every single thing I accomplished, be it walking to the bus stop by myself, chasing up an appointment, cooking dinner, having a shower, getting dressed etc took on such huge significance, I truly became proud of myself, because of the monumental effort it took to complete each task, every little thing I did was a victory. Every step I took in the right direction I congratulated myself, and so the negative thoughts I had about myself faded and I started to live for myself. Which was a novelty.

As my confidence grew, I began speaking to inspiring, beautiful people. I nourished my soul by meditating, practicing mindfulness and gratitude as well as working on healing my body and as I did I realised, that my whole life I hadn’t just been living with an illness without visible symptoms, and wasn’t just invisible to others, I was invisible to my self. And now slowly, I was beginning to see myself without the criticism and self hatred and it was eye opening.

Even though IBD is still invisible to others, to me, it’s visible. It raises holy hell in my body and makes me look like a bum with eyes. I hate that there is such a stigmatism and lack of awareness and understanding surrounding invisible illness. I despair that professionals and the community close their eyes because it’s easier to do that then look at the bigger picture. And I am sad that there is not the same help and services around for those living with invisible illness than other illnesses. And I guess that even though others may not see, understand or accept us and the illnesses we present, the most important thing is we make ourselves visible. That we see, love and accept ourselves and not let our invisible illnesses control us, govern our lives with fear or isolate ourselves. By loving ourselves. By celebrating our achievements and our victories and by embracing ourselves, illness and all, We come out of the shadows, push through loneliness and isolation these illnesses bring, and with a little bit of self love, and self kindness, we cease to be invisible to others but most importantly, we cease to be invisible to ourselves anymore.

[juni-ravenhall]

writings about juni as an oc

30 questions about Juni (with unnecessarily long answers), from this SSO OC asks posts except i just filled it all out in one go. i want to try developing her into a more detailed character just for fun so this seemed like the best way to start! i hadn’t decided anything about her besides “non-binary and pan” until starting to fill this out hahah, i just tapped into my jorvegian feels and went along with what felt right.

this is already stated on my “about” page but, to be clear, Juni is some kinda persona/OC thingy and not “me”, while having some traits and details inspired by my real self. (you can definitely get to know about me by reading this, but, it’s not me me.)

BASIC CHARACTER INFO (remember her details are not mine!) Name: Juni Ravenhall Age: around 18-20 i guess, don’t wanna make her too old to fit with the other characters in the story. Gender: non-binary / genderfluid?, but more or less OK with her female body, and she’s fine with any pronouns. Sexuality: panromantic pansexual.

1. What is their home stable in-game? Why?

South Hoof Peninsula (headcanon:ing that there is a home stable there, obviously) because it’s her home. While travelling she makes use of stables and accomodations anywhere, so some people know her in the places she stays over a lot (Valedale, Moorland, others).

2. Where do they actually live in Jorvik?

Her home is on South Hoof, although she doesn’t stay there for long periods of time anymore with all the travelling and adventures going on. She was born in Valedale, but was taken to South Hoof as a small child. (My headcanon is that there’s a few more people living on the peninsula than what’s shown in-game.) It’s worth noting she’s an orphan (or is she...?! *dun dun dun*) so she grew up without a biological family. (btw, that’s not just to be dramatic... I’m from an abusive home and parents mean nothing to me, so I wouldn’t be able to relate to her as much if I gave her some kind of normal, caring parents, I don’t know that stuff. I’d much rather she has no parents / doesn’t know her parents, than that she has to grow up with awful ones.)

3. Who is their favorite NPC?

Hmm, I would make up some OCs for her proper personal story, but out of the NPCs that exist..... (these are not all my favourites, just some of them that I think works well for her story.) - She knows everyone at South Hoof to some degree since she grew up there, I think she’s especially close with Jonas as a parent-figure of sorts, and of course, Madison. She helps the hermit and is on good terms with him. When Hugh moved there, she started making friends with him, I imagine they’ll get close as Juni really cares about animal rescue. - She's fairly close to Conrad, mix of mentor, friend and parent-figure. (He’s taught her more than what’s shown in canon, and she visits him anytime she’s staying in Moorland.) - She likes helping Agnetha and Björn with their garden projects so they have a friendly relation, though casual. It’s the kind of thing where she’ll stay over and help them for a few days, and at the end of the day they have cozy outdoor dinners outside the house, watching the sunset view from the cliff and smelling the roses. They probably get some great fresh food from around Silverglade. - I think she's somewhat friends with Ed at Wolf Hell Inn (or stays over and sees what crazy stuff he’s up to often enough). - She definitely likes Rania and like going out for rides with her, whether there’s a special cause or not. I forget the name of that crazy ranger girl... but she likes her and Alonso too. - She likes hanging out with Mario, and they’ll have picnics on the mountain or on top of the observatory after she’s been helping him out, watching the stars together (platonically). - She’s a wary friend of the Bobcats and Justin, like, they could be friends (since she’s at Moorland often enough) but they aren’t quite. I think she gets along with Josh (pole bending guy). - I was going to write about the soul riders and druids... but I think in my made-up headcanon, Juni's situation and role in the soul rider team would be different. I’ll have to think more about it.

4. Who is their Soul Steed? What breed are they? Do they have any markings or look different in some way from the in-game appearance you could give them?

Winterborn, a Jorvik Warmblood stallion (here’s his tag on my blog). He’s a brave and loving companion, thoughtful sometimes, a bit silly and spoiled sometimes. His bond with Juni is very strong. He probably does look a bit different in my headcanon but I’d have to draw/edit it to make a decision, so let’s leave that in the air for now...

5. What is their favorite location? (Ex, Hollow Woods, Greendale, Silverglade Manor Library) Why?

- South Hoof, as her adopted home, and because of the ancient and “wild and free” energy it has. She feels relaxed and at home there, and somehow connected to the magic of the land (even before she learns about magic). - Valedale and the surrounding areas like Hollow Woods, where she feels a nagging sense of nostalgia and belonging, a tingling mysterious feeling (similar but not the same as what she feels on South Hoof). She loves the flowers, buildings and nature there. - Moorland Forge, for Conrad. - Agnetha and Björn’s gardens. - Wolf Hell Inn, she likes it there and (as mentioned) she likes seeing what weird stuff Ed is up to. - Dino Valley, she loves the winter, the solitude, and the challenge of survival (she’s an adventurer after all). - Crescent Moon Village, just for how cozy it is, and the Mirror Marshes, for its beauty. There’s a lot of spots around New Hillcrest and Epona she likes in general too. - Goldenhills Valley, she loves the autumn colours and the ruins, and takes an interest in the witchcraft that she sees, starting to wonder what’s good and bad magic. - Cape West, a cute little village to visit now and then. - Jarlaheim, as a place to hang out and shop / rest, after a day of helping out with farm chores around the area. - Greendale, where it seems like faeries might pop out if you’re quiet enough. - Ydris’ circus, because she can’t help but get curious about it. (I love circus / fairground aesthetics personally... I’m one of those people who’s always loved clowns and everyone else is like “what?! clowns are creepy man!”) - Mistfall and Firgrove are places she likes both for the nature and buildings, but she doesn’t tend to stay there long. - The Observatory, and other spots high up with great views, like the shortcut between Firgrove and Valedale, and the secret path up the mountain in Firgrove, too. - Aideen’s Plaza in Jorvik City, a cozy and fun place when you need a break from the countryside, especially if there’s an event / festival / market going on. - Pandoria? -- there’s certainly something about it...

6. Who’s their favorite horse? Why?

I’m going to say Juni doesn’t own any other horse than Winterborn, at least at this time. (Obviously I have lots in-game but for this OC story it doesn’t really make sense, so let’s say the rest aren’t canon, haha. Maybe they’re horses she’ll own later in life.)

7. What are their powers? Are they stronger with one Circle over any of the others?

Hmm... I dunno, I have to think more about this one. I probably want to draw some pictures to figure out more about her relation to magic and Pandoria and all that.

8. What’s their usual style? Any favorite tack sets or color themes for them?

She likes all colours and likes putting together new outfits and tack sets of various styles, but some particular favourite colours are red and purple, and overall her style tends to be bold and graphic rather than soft or gentle. She can do soft and gentle too though, when she feels like it!

9. Thoughts about Jorvik City? How do they feel about Rania’s petition for a horse-friendly Jorvik City?

She likes it there (especially Aideen’s Plaza as mentioned), but definitely thinks that there’s such a thing as “too much city” and has to retreat to nature after some time there. A horse-friendly city would be nice, as Winterborn would probably really enjoy getting spoiled with treats at the Plaza on a warm evening, getting petted by nice strangers.

10. Thoughts about Justin? (I’m sorry, I’m curious, he shows up so much)

She pities him in a kind way, thinks he’s sensitive and immature. She wouldn’t mind being friends with him once he starts growing as a person. She also likes lasagna, so they could organise a lasagna party together with the Bobcats sometime.

11. How do they feel about the magical horse race at the circus? Did they enjoy being a horse?

While she doesn’t like how Ydris treats people, she thought it was really interesting and insane, and had a lot of thoughts about what magic is / what magic can do after starting to come into contact with all its different types (Pi, Ydris, the soul riders and druids, etc etc). Maybe being able to turn into a horse at will and gallop around with Winterborn would be really cool!

12. Do they trust the Druids? Or how do they feel about them?

Once she starts getting to know about them, she trusts them as soon as she knows Conrad is involved with them, because she trusts him. Of course she doesn’t trust them 100%, due to all the weird stuff that goes on, but she trusts that they have good intentions even if it doesn’t always come out right, or maybe the right people aren’t in charge.

13. Least favorite NPC?

That’s a tough one... let’s just say she doesn’t like when people use or abuse others. However, she believes that anyone can change and become a better person, it’s just exceptionally hard for some people (and nobody is entitled to forgiveness). (Honestly it’s just difficult because I’m an open-minded person and I appreciate villainous *fictional* characters for their roles in a story, just as well as I appreciate the heroes and background characters. I don’t see a point in being pissy about fictional villains, they’re just part of a story, and in fiction everyone has a chance at bettering themselves. Plus, the victims of their actions are all fictional... nobody really got hurt. I wouldn’t think IRL people like Tr*mp is going to change for the better, plus even if he did he’s caused a lot of people a lot of harm, so IRL is another thing. but I can accept any character’s change and redemption in fiction because... it’s fiction, a fantasy.)

14. How do they make their money?

Before travelling she made them by doing odd jobs around South Hoof, now she does odd jobs around Jorvik. Often she’ll take a trade and do work for food and someplace to stay for the night instead of getting paid. She sells things she’s found and things she’s made now and then (having some skills in crafts).

15. How many horses do they own?

Same answer as before, as an OC she only owns Winterborn (right now).

16. How many pets do they have? What kind? What are their names?

I don’t think I want her to have any at this time, I might change my mind later. She loves the farm animals and the wild horses on South Hoof, of course, and helps take care of other people’s pets when needed. (I love my baby seal in the game though.)

17. How do they feel about the Soul Riders? Do they trust them? Feel like an outsider? Are they closer to some over the others?

I’ll have to decide on her role in the story and relating to the soul riders before I can answer that, so I’ll leave that for now. I don’t think she’s very close with any of them, if anything it’d be a somewhat good relation with Linda and Alex, I think.

18. Do they believe something mystical, magical, or otherwise strange really exists in Dino Valley? How did they feel about the leaving of the Kallter and the roar/scream/screech in the Valley?

There’s absolutely something strange about it, and her heart beats at the idea of more adventures there. The Kallters must have had a reason to leave.

19. Thoughts about Jorvik Wild Horses?

I think for headcanon OC story purposes, Jorvik Wild Horses and Starbreeds are probably the same thing? Just like, I’d go with that there’s a one type of magic horses with Jorvegian magic (or Pandorian) flowing through them, but then they can look different from each other. In the headcanon there wouldn’t be random Jorvik Wilds running around or anything, it’d be super special rare stuff like the Starbreeds are.

20. Do you think they are a Wild Whisperer? Or are they just bonded with their Soul Steed?

I’m not sure, leaning towards that she’s mostly just bonded with Winterborn. Maybe she has some level of whispering abilities but it’s definitely not one of her strongest skills.

21. What’s their favorite Jorvegian holiday or celebration?

All holidays, any excuse to celebrate, although she prefers peaceful and homely celebrations over parties or high-tempo events. Life is precious, so she celebrates every day to some degree (like I mentioned... sunset picnics, enjoying nature).

22. What do they think or feel about Pandoria? Have they or do they visit outside of the quests (using the rifts)? If they have or still do, why?

I think at the time I would place Juni’s story, she’s only starting to learn about Pandoria and is still confused and thoughtful about the different types and uses of magic. So what she’s going to think of Pandoria and what she’ll do about it would be something to figure out.

23. How has their visit(s) to Pandoria affected them? Do they have scars? Has it affected any of their life views?

See above. But also, since I want to explore Juni’s relation to magic, I’ll say I think the magic (or something else about Pandoria) might start to eat at her, and maybe she starts losing herself a bit the deeper she gets into those thoughts and the magic itself. (Hint... I think it’ll have to do with being an orphan and feeling alone and depressed.)

24. Would they ever consider working for Dark Core or believing their side?

No, I can’t imagine she would unless there was some very specific reason.

25. What or who is Garnok to them? A dark presence? A squid-like monster? A child with a ridiculously complicated jumping course (fuckin @’s Lizzy)?

I love Lizzy’s course lol, but maybe Garnok did have a hand in it... Anyway, I don’t think Juni knows anywhere near enough to have an understanding of Garnok at this point, so it’s just some vague thing the druids aren’t describing enough.

26. Do they ever go to the Disco? If they don’t, would they ever consider going? What would it take to make them go?

She goes sometimes, but she quickly gets tired of both dancing and socialising in crowds and has to wind down afterwards, maybe just sitting down at the disco balcony to look at the ocean, or heading down to the beach to lie down and rest. The evening ride back to her home on South Hoof (or to a place to stay in Moorland if the ferry stopped running) is a moment of winding-down, too.

27. Disco or Moorland Beach party?

The beach party is probably a little more chill, which suits her.

28. Are they interested in helping with archaeology or fishing?

She likes trying to do archaeology, and finds ancient (or just old) things really interesting, but she’s not necessarily the best at it. It’s something she does from time to time, or when someone asks for help. Fishing is something she’d only do when hanging out with someone else.

29. How do they feel about Igor, the waiter/manager of the Dino Valley cafe, and whom seemed interested in your horse for… “culinary reasons?”

She hopes he was joking, and appreciates his efforts in starting up the café since the Dino Valley crew is so small, and everyone needs each others’ help to survive and explore there.

30. Do they like the perpetual winter of Dino Valley or the perpetual autumn/fall of Goldenhills Valley, or is it strange to them? Do they prefer one over the other, or neither?

She likes them both, but she’s curious about what they’d look like if the seasons did change.

[ssocatherine]

100 OC questions - Answered!

@hobbithorsewhat you asked for this

1. What do they smell like?

Catherine smells like lavender all the time, she is obsessed with natural scents like essential oils and is constantly putting lavender oil on. Sometimes, she smells a little like cigarettes.

2. What is their voice like?

Catherine has a somewhat gravely voice, with a light Irish accent.

3. What is their biggest motivator?

Catherine is most motivated by the peace she finds in nature. Her way of life is that she believes that in life, do what you can. This doesn’t mean go and search for ways of changing huge things in jorvik or the world, she just focuses on helping who she can at the time.

4. What is their most embarrassing memory?

Catherine’s most embarrassing memory is when she was first learning to ride, she and Justin decided to take a little trail ride. She was so distracted staring at him, she didn’t see the low branch in the path and ended up hanging onto it with her arms when her horse walked right out from under her. Justin had to ride under her and lift her off of it due to her fear of heights.

5. How do they deal with/react to pain?

Catherine is a big baby when it comes to pain and has little tolerance. When it comes to emotional pain, Catherine is very good at hiding it and doesn’t expose her feelings to many people at all.

6. What do they like to wear?

Catherine really likes to wear leather jackets, sweaters and denim. She also appreciates lace. Most often, she can be found in a cozy sweater, jeans, her black leather riding boots.

7. Which of their relationships have impacted them most positively?

Justin was her first real friend on the island and he taught her how to ride and even convinced his father to sell her her beloved Thorn. She never stops worrying for Justin and often draws him in her sketchbook, wondering what he is doing.

8. What’s the weirdest thing they’ve ever eaten?

Probably octopus.

9. Describe the way that they sleep.

Catherine sleeps on her side, tucking her knees to her chest and holding a stuffed lobster her mother gifted her as a child.

10. What is their favorite food/kind of food?

Catherine’s favorite food is undoubtedly corn beef and cabbage. Her mother used to cook this for her every holiday and eating it feels special.

11. What do they feel most insecure about?

Catherine is insecure about very little, but if she had to pick something she would probably say her hands, only because she has somewhat thick, calloused fingers.

12. How do they like to dress?

See question 6

13. How do they react to feelings of guilt?

The guilt will bother Catherine until she makes right what she has done wrong.

14. How do they react to/deal with betrayal?

When Justin betrayed Catherine she was filled with rage, and threw out many of the things she had drawn of him. Knowing what he went through now, she regrets it but probably would have done the same thing if it happened again.

15. What is their greatest achievement?

Catherine believes her greatest achievement is savings moorland stables. She can’t imagine Jorvik without it and still keeps her horses there.

16. What are they like when they’ve gotten too little sleep?

Very cranky

17. What are they like when they’re drunk?

Catherine doesn’t drink, but if she did she would be very honest when drunken and probably reveal secrets she meant to keep to herself.

18. What kind of music do they enjoy?

Indie-rock and pop. She likes passion pit a lot.

19. Are they right or left handed?

Right handed

20. Fears?

Stable fires, losing her ability to ride, public speaking

21. Favorite kind of weather?

Fall, nice and cool and sunny

22. Favorite color?

Black and red

23. Do they collect anything?

Catherine collects gems and geodes and also herbs

24. Do they prefer either hot or cold weather more?

Cold

25. What is their eye color?

Blue

26. What is their race/ethnicity?

White

27. Hair color?

White-blonde (light brown naturally)

28. Are they happy where they are currently?

Absolutely

29. Are they a morning person?

Yes!

30. Sunrise or sunset?

Sunrise

31. Are they more messy or more organized?

A little bit of both but mostly organized

32. Pet peeves?

She hates when people hurt those who cant fight back like animals, and also unwarranted advice.

33. Do they own any objects of significant personal importance?

Justin’s jacket tbh

34. Least favorite food?

Tuna fish

35. Least favorite color?

Purple

36. Least favorite smell?

Cooking mushrooms

37. When was the last time they cried?C

Catherine doesn’t cry often but after Justin was arrested, she went home and had a good cry.

38. Were they with anybody the last time they cried?

No

39. Tell us about one of the times they got injured?

She fell off of a green appaloosa, her horse Flurry to be exact, and broke her wrist.

40. Do they have any scars?

A scar under her eye from a dog bite, and a cigarette burn on her upper arm

41. Do they struggle with any mental health issues?

Anxiety is somewhat prevalent but getting better.

42. Do they have any bad habits?

Smoking

43. Why might someone dislike them?

Catherine can be somewhat annoying in the fact that she doesn’t like to be told what to do, so if someone told her how to do something she might annoy them by not doing it that way or not listening.

44. Why might someone love them?

Catherine is very kind and devoted to those she loves. She is selfless and beautiful and dedicated.

45. Do they believe in ghosts?

Absolutely

46. Is there anyone they would trust with their lives?

Yes, though Catherine would trust her life to very few people they do exist.

47. Are they romantically interested in anyone?

Yes, Catherine is deeply crushing on Justin Moorland and has been since day one.

48. Are they dating/married to anyone?

Things between her and Justin are confusing right now, and she hopes that he makes a move soon because waiting is growing more difficult.

49. Do they like surprises?

Yes!

50. When is their birthday?

November 8th

51. How do they usually celebrate their birthday?

Not really

52. Do they have any family?

Yes, a mother and a sister

53. Are they close to their family?

Geographically, no. Emotionally, yes.

54. What is their MBTI type?

The doer

55. What is their zodiac sign?

Scorpio

56. What Hogwarts House would they be in?

Hufflepuff!

57. What D&D alignment are they?

Chaotic good

58. Do they ever have nightmares? If so, what about?

Very often, and they’re often about her horses being stolen for some reason

59. What are their views on death?

Though she is scared of her own, she looks forward to what comes after

60. What is something that they’re sure to laugh at?

A crappy pun tbh

61. When bored, how do they pass time?

She loves to draw and listen to music

62. Do they enjoy being outside?

She would always be outdoors if she could

63. Do they have an accent?

Yes, Irish

64. Upon seeing a slice of chocolate cake, what is their first reaction?

Probably a grimace, she likes vanilla cake

65. If they knew they were going to die, what would they do/say?

She would probably tell her family she loves them, and tell Justin to have her horses and that she loves him aswell.

66. How do they feel about sex?

Catherine was somewhat of a promiscuous person back in Ireland and enjoyed the act but she has had other focus’s in Jorvik.

67. What is their sexuality?

Catherine is Bi but prefers men mostly.

68. Do they become squeamish at the sight of blood?

No, though she is a baby about pain she is somewhat fascinated with blood, sick as it may be.

69. Is there anything that they find really gross?

She hates mold and rotten food!

70. Which TV Trope(s) best describes them?

I honestly cant pick one!

71. Do they enjoy helping people?

To a point. Catherine does like to help, but she hates being taken advantage of.

72. Are they allergic to anything?

Pineapple

73. Do they have a pet?

Many horses and a few cats!

74. Are they quick to anger? What are they like when they loose their temper?

Yes, but she gets over things relatively quickly. When angered, she will go off in a rant and then storm off, possibly returning to go off again.

75. How patient are they?

Catherine is very patient

76. Are they good at cooking?

Very good! Her mother was a waitress and while waiting for her mom to finish her shift, Catherine often learned from the chef at the diner.

77. Favorite insult? Do they insult people often?

You idiot! Catherine says you idiot only when extremely angered

78. How do they act when they’re particularly happy?

She will say hello to everyone and practically skips when walking and becomes very generous.

79. What do they do when they learn about other people’s fears?

Depending on the person, she will usually ignore them

80. Are they trustworthy?

Somewhat. Catherine is very kind but depending on the situation, she isn’t afaid to do what needs to be done.

81. Do they try to hide their emotions? Are they good at it?

Yes, Catherine often his how she felt growing up because her sister struggled so much she didn’t want to be a burden on her mother.

82. Do they exercise regularly?

Not really, except for riding.

83. Are they comfortable with the way they look?

Very. Catherine is beautiful and she knows it.

84. What are some physical features that they find attractive on people?

Freckles, brown eyes, and especially height.

85. What kind of personalities do they find attractive?

She finds men who are kind and gentle attractive, especially when they aren’t afraid to be honest or afraid.

86. Do they like sweet foods?

Yes! Especially ice cream.

87. What is their age?

22 years old

88. Are they tall or short or somewhere in between?

Relatively tall at 5’7

89. Do they wear glasses or contacts?

She sometimes wears glasses just for fun.

90. Do they consider themselves attractive?

Yes

91. What is their sense of humor like?

She makes very dark jokes but also enjoys a good pun

92. What mood are they most often in?

Happy and content

93. What kinds of things anger them?

People who are inconsiderate

94. Outlook on life?

Be the change you want to see

95. What kind of things make them sad/depressed?

Hurt/dead animals

96. What is their greatest weakness?

Justin moorland

97. What is the greatest strength?

Justin moorland

98. Something that they regret?

Justin moorland

99. Biggest accomplishment?

Moving to Jorvik!

100. What is catherines favorite hobbies besides riding?

Catherine loves to paint, draw, and dance but most presently, she loves to practice shooting her bow and arrow.

[queenjunoking]

Wolf Taming Pt 21

CW: Noncon - Shock Collar - Pain - Petplay - Drugs - Kidnapping  - Manipulation  

“Good afternoon Miss Eos.” I hated having to talk with her. The last few days had been fairly nice without her checking constantly.

“Sweetheart for the last time you can just call me Eos. We don’t need formalities, we’re friends!” She was trying to put on a friendly face. She did it with everyone. I knew when someone was putting on a fake face like that though.

“Is there something wrong? I got a red notification. I hope you’re doing alright.” I tried my best to ignore what she had said, I wanted to get through this as fast as I could.

“Well there is something very wrong darling, you haven’t been answering the phone! I was worried something might have happened to you. You had gotten that big beast and you’ll have to excuse me if I was a little worried something may have happened when you weren’t answering.” She put on a look of concern. I doubted she was actually concerned I was hurt. She would have sent someone over if she was.

“I-” I tried to answer her, but she cut me off as usual.

“I’m not saying that you’d make a mistake darling, I’m just saying your pet is quite a bit bigger than you are and accidents happen. I worry and answering the phone would help quell those worries.” Eos did little else but treat me like a child who couldn’t do anything myself. 

“I’m sorry E-” I was cut off again.

“Are you doing ok sweetheart? You have bags under your eyes. Are you actually sleeping?” She loved to ask these questions. It made her look like she was concerned about anyone other than herself.

“I’m sleeping fi-” Cut off again. I hated these rapid fire questions. She rarely let me answer before changing the subject.

“Where is your… what were you calling her? A coyote?” She was feigning ignorance to press my buttons.

“My wolf. Sasha is over there.” I pressed a button to flip the video to the other camera so she could see Sasha wandering around the garden. She turned to look at me when she heard her name.

“Oh my. No leash or anything? Whenever my pets get let out of their cages I make sure their handler keeps them on a tight leash.” Micromanaging as always.

“She doesn’t need a leash right now Eos. You know that the garden is secure. It’s not like she can run anywhere in the leg binders.” 

“Speaking of leg binders, I see you have some of the doggy restraints on her, but why not the bitchsuit? It was such a lovely purchase.

“She can’t get up and down two flights of stairs in a bitchsuit Eos.”

“Oh nonsense. Of course she can, she’s just not trying hard enough. If you don’t push her she’ll never learn. I never expected you of all people to have a soft side for something like a pet. I’ve seen Penny recently and she’s doing well enough. I just didn’t think you’d take an entire 360 degree turn from what you were doing to her to your new methods.” That got Sasha’s attention. She tilted her head at that statement.

“Everyone is different and requires different approaches. My approach is the correct approach for Sasha.” I was tired of having to explain myself to her. She always thought her methods were best even though she mostly took a one size fits all approach to her slaves. She trained ponies in one way, cows in another way, maids in yet another way. No variance.

“Aw, you have such a soft heart Z. It must be nice to have the time for a one on one approach. I got a new filly and two new mares just today and sold a stallion.” I wasn’t much into ponies, but I had recognized the terms from being around Eos. Mare and filly were size categories for women. Five foot four and under were fillys, mares were taller than that. Stallions were male ponies. “It’s nice to have that one one one ti- oh! Look at that your doggy is coming towards us.” I looked up to watch Sasha walking towards me. I had been so focused on Eos I hadn’t been paying attention to her.

“She’s just kind of wandering around. I’m letting her out as a treat. Three new additions must be difficult to handle.” I wanted to steer the conversation away from Sasha, I was tired of her offers to buy her and I knew a new one was going to come from this.

She ignored me. “Such a lovely girl. Have you taught her any tricks?”

Now this was a trick question. Telling her no would make me seem lazy, like I hadn’t been teaching her anything. But if I said yes that meant I’d have to place my hopes in Sasha playing along. There was no good answer.

“I know a few tricks.” My blood pressure rose as Sasha decided to talk out of turn, standing a few feet away from us. She had a smug look on her face.

“Oh.” Eos’s voice suddenly iced over and her face became more stern. “It talks. Without permission and without honorifics.”

“Sasha does not know how the society works Eos and I have decided to let her vent her emotions as she is trained. It is one of the reasons I haven’t been answering your calls. I’ve been spending a lot of time with her and I didn’t want this situation to occur.” It was bullshit. I didn’t care whether Sasha knew the honorifics or not. But I thought Sasha would be smart enough not to talk out of turn.

“Well, if it keeps talking there are options you know. Some owners get their vocal cords clipped. I’ve heard it's good for pets that can’t learn when they should be speaking.” She was speaking to me, but I could tell she was really talking to Sasha. It was a threat and a window into how our world worked. The smug look on Sasha’s face was wiped away.

“I have my own methods. I have the collar on her. I just have it in a different mode. I was unable to change the mode back to the standard one because of the red notification. My apologies.” While it might not have stopped her from trying to talk, I wish I could have changed the mode. I had pointlessly left it in pet mode.

“It’s alright darling.” Her demeanor instantly changed back like nothing happened. “How about she shows me a few tricks?”

I didn’t have much of a choice anymore, it was time to see if Sasha would play along or not. “Sasha, sit.” A few seconds ticked by and Eos was getting quickly impatient. But she listened and sat down.

“I see it takes a little while for commands to reach it’s tiny brain. I could have sworn it’s file said it was quite intelligent. Apparently it was wrong.” I watched Sasha’s eyes narrow, there was nothing I could do to get her to stop. Eos could see us both so I couldn’t give her any signal to tell her to knock it off. Eos noticed Sasha’s gaze and her voice turned icy again. “It’s pretty feisty as well. You know Z, I’ve never known a slave to be feisty after getting one on one time with you. I hope you aren’t losing your touch. Soft trainers make bad pets.”

“I want to take my time training her. I’m not selling her, she’s mine. There’s no reason I need to expedite her training. It will all fall into place.” I hated how Eos micromanaged everything. She did the same thing when I was training Penny. She always thought she knew best.

“Well I hope she knows another trick by now. Can she bark? Bark doggy.” I wanted to roll my eyes. This interaction was just getting more and more on my nerves.

“Bark Sasha.”

“Woof.” I wished I could have shocked her. She knew she was doing it wrong and was doing it on purpose. Either she didn’t believe my threat or thought embarrassing me meant more than the harm she was doing to herself.

“Oh.” Ice covered her words again. “I guess it really is that stupid. Oh well.” Instantly she was back to her cheery self. “You know Z, there’s no shame in admitting you’re having trouble training someone. It's basically your first time. It’s hard to count Penny since she broke almost immediately. Saying anyone trained her is a stretch.”

“What are you trying to get at Eos?” Unfortunately I couldn’t suppress a sigh and I could see her getting irritated with me.

“All I’m saying dear is that I could take her off your hands. How about… 120k? Enough for you to buy another less high maintenance pet? Maybe some other fun things for yourself? I could train her here on the farm and you could even come visit her whenever you want too!” She gave me a smile as she laid down her latest offer.

“I don’t want your money Eos, I want Sasha. I appreciate the help you’ve been giving me but I’m doing fine.” Sasha decided to undermine my point again by rolling her eyes.

 “Well, I’m sure you’ll teach her proper tricks soon enough darling. Just keep my offer in mind darling. I must really be going and please don’t ignore my calls. I just want to be sure you’re ok. Ta!”

WiIth that she ended the call before I could respond.

“How’s it going Z? Not much of a name. Can’t remember the rest of it or something or is it some dumb codename?” Sasha seemed proud of herself.

I walked over to her and unlocked the leg binders. “I said I’d unlock these independent of the call so you can enjoy the outside without them for a while.”

“That Eos seems like a real bitch. Can’t imagine what that’s like Z.” Her face lit up with a smirk.

“Collar is on Sasha. No more talking for the rest of our time outside. I set the collar to 8.” She grinned, stretched out, and laid out in the grass.

Sasha really thought she won in some sort of way. Sure, I was embarrassed. But in the eyes of the Society an owner not being competent with their property was a problem that could be fixed with some training. But an unruly slave was something that required more than training. 

I don’t think Sasha could comprehend what that could entail.

Eos

Poor Z was in over her head. She had chosen such a nice specimen, unfortunately she didn’t understand that her plans were wasting her potential. Sasha would have made such a fantastic show pony. Maybe a work horse if I could find others that would match her physique. She might have even been able to cut it as a race horse.

“Mimi!” I called for my personal maid. After a few seconds I could hear the clicking of her heels on the hardwood and she rushed as fast as she could. Admittedly “as fast as she could” was fairly slow due to her uniform.

“Yes Mistress Eos? I’m terribly sorry it took so long I was gathering the status reports of the new additions to the barn.”

I looked over at my maid. Every time I got a look at her I knew the modifications I paid for were worth it. Mimi was a pink mess. Her nails and hair were made permanently pink. She had undergone eye surgery that turned her eyes from the dull and boring brown they were before into a pink that matched her hair. Her locking pink latex maid dress and ballet boots just completed the look. Mimi wasn’t capable of being the fastest maid I owned, but she learned very quickly learned to be my hardest working maid. Mimi had been a bubbly girl before I bought her. Obsessed with pink so I knew she’d love the changes I did to her. Most of them at least, she didn’t appreciate the permanent chastity I placed her in.

“Oh? And how are they adjusting?” New arrivals were difficult on their first day. They came too late in the day to put them in their normal day one training so left orders for them to be locked in their sleep cells for the day.

Mimi looked at a piece of paper she brought with her. “Well, one of the mares tried attacking a stable hand and the stable master had her whipped in front of the other two as an example. After that the other mare became quiet. The filly however experienced a breakdown and has been crying nonstop in her cell. The stable master wishes to have your input on the matter Mistress Eos as they don’t want to take additional steps without knowing your plans for her.” Mimi had long since gotten used to how things worked around here. Had she not been a slave she would have made a fantastic assistant.

“I see. I’m going to be busy for a little while unfortunately. I’d like you to to tell the stable master that she is to leave the filly to weep until I go down. Dismissed Mimi.”

“Yes Mistress Eos.” She turned to hobble back downstairs.

“Oh, wait one moment Mimi.” I motioned for her to come back in.

“Yes Mistress Eos?” She hobbled back into the room, stood at attention and waited eagerly for orders.

This is the way a slave should act. They should listen. They have no need to make eye contact. They should be eager to serve. They shouldn’t be the mess that I watched frolic in Z’s garden.

“Tell the stable master to prepare another cell. I’m expecting another new addition by the end of the week.”

[justinjohn]

Vegetarianism. 2/17/18

I recently went vegetarian. Not because I want to be vegetarian- all I can think of are those people who ask for a new dish at a restaurant if they find out the spatula used for the potatoes touched the meat- but because 1. I like animals and it upsets me how we’ve commoditized them, like the forks and knives we use to eat them, for our own pleasure, and 2. literally who the hell knows what the process is in this country in converting a living cow into the final hamburger paddy we consume. I just don’t trust what’s happening behind the scenes in that process, and in my mind, I would rather worry about the lentils I’m eating having fallen on the floor than why, when I bit down on the hamburger paddy, it crunched.

But don’t get me wrong-- I mean I loved meat. It’s delicious, especially in the form of meatballs or chicken wings-- it’s just I have this hang-up that won’t allow me to order these foods anymore because recently my heart thawed for animals in light of discovering I despite the human race. 

But like anything, when you’re trying to quit, it seems omnipresent in all that you do. Like, the other day at lunch, I ordered a salad which tasted like I was forking up garden soil, while and the girl next to me got a submarine sandwich- and not just any sub- one of those subs that has every type of meat on it imaginable-mortadella, soppressata and everything else that rhymes- dripping in olive oil, and tried (with difficulty) to fit the sandwich in her mouth with each bite.. It was like a TV commercial. And there I was, scooping up piles of quinoa on my fork hoping each bite be more dressing-soaked than the one before, so it wouldn’t taste like earth-medicine. 

Or sometimes you fuck up, not even because you want to. The other night at dinner I ordered a vegetarian pasta, and my friend, Jess, asks, “Hey, you want to try mine? It’s delicious!”

“Sure, what’d you get?” I asked, as I took the plate from her hand she passed across the table. 

“The ravioli. It’s soo good.”

And as I flicked one of the wavy-edged dumplings from my fork into my mouth and bit down, the flavor of meat filled my mouth, and I suddenly realized I was suddenly chewing short rib.. of which I haven’t had the likes since October of last year. 

And then, of course, when something like that happens, you’re shocked, right, but can’t make a scene, so I was like, “Mm-mmm.” Suddenly making the connection, “That. is.. delic-ious.” Fuck me and the horse I rode in on; I just ruined my streak and ate a cow.

--

And then, of course, there are the times you just make people outright feel bad. Today, my boyfriend was like, “Hey, I defrosted these two cornish hens for us for us tonight..”

[First of all, what the fuck is a “cornish hen”? Does it have corn stuffed inside of it like a pinata? Is it from a place called ‘Corn’ such that it is Corn-ish? What is that word and why is it there as a descriptor? Also, let’s call a spade a spade, it’s not the 18th Century, it’s chicken.

“Tom.. I .. you know that I..”

He just stared at me from the couch.

[Also, let’s get something straight. If I am going to cheat on my veg diet for something, it’s going to be a fat $70 steak or Bon Chon chicken wings or Korean bulgogi or something. I’m not going to ruin my streak for cornish hen. Can you imagine?  “Why yes I am vegetarian but my boyfriend was cooking a luscious cornish hen last night and I just couldn’t resist myself.” Hard no.]

“Maybe you can make it..” I tried.. “for yourself..?” 

“You know what?” He threw down the remote. “I’m just not cooking for you anymore, you are such a pain in the ass.”

“No.. wait but.. I want you to.. I-”

“No-- I defrosted these and I need to cook these tonight or they’ll go to waste.” 

Again I just stared back. I am not going to eat some bony-ass mini-chicken to appease someone, especially if it’s on the verge of going bad.

‘I’ll eat anything else.. Like.. that pasta dish! I love that one.. Can you make that this week? The one with the peas..!”

“Justin, that has ham in it.”

Fuck.

“Ahh, well.. Can you just make half..? And then put my portion to the side ..And then add the-”

“I’m not doing that.”

“I’ll just eat cereal. It’s fine.”

Which is what it’s come down to essentially because no one wants to deal with me because apparently I am the most demanding piece of self-righteous garbage on the earth. 

--

So it’s been touch and go. Mostly go (as in ‘jump off a bridge’). It’s hard to just function with people at a table without being the most annoying person in the room or the subject of intense interrogation. Are you trying to be skinny or do you have a moral issue? Why must you dissent?  But the worst part is being stuck in a situation with someone who is just wildly opposed to your ideology: a carnivore.

Which is why it was exceptionally awkward last week when I walked into a meeting to which I was summoned, and I sat down across the table from a man who started talking about a project he needed help marketing: a slaughterhouse.

This is not happening. I thought as I smiled at him from across the table. This is not happening. Over and over. 

“Yea.. and so you know.” He began. “It’s really nice and industrial on the outside and you open the door and the kill room is as clean as can be.” He remarked. “No blood or anything.. It’s wild.”

Can you imaging having to take notes on that? 

::typing::  Industrial slaughterhouse. Kill room very clean.

I couldn’t believe it. 

“You know.. they have a unique model where none of the animals hang on the racks for very long so the bacteria can’t fester.. They clean it out real fast so the turn is crazy fast.”

:: animals quickly rotated from hang racks extra quickly for human profit ::  [delete, delete]  :: rotated for efficiency ::

“The mom is actually really involved in the business,” He spoke jovially about the family. “She does a lotta things.. She takes care of the books but also suprervises the kill floor.” 

:: Mother --> accountant, angel of death::  [delete, delete] :: manages kill floor ::

Like, these are going to be the notes I save in the file on the corporate shared drive; so I hope that’s cool. 

“And the meat.” He continued emphatically. “It’s so good, it’s the leanest meat you’ll ever see, no fat..because of the way he cuts directly out of the back and on a diagonal, he gets it just right-”

Do you want to just slaughter the cow in front of me and demonstrate for me what you’re saying? Jesus Christ. Why don’t you show us the saw?

:: Hacks directly into animal’s most sensitive area, probably very slow,painful death. best steak you’ll ever have::

“And with the pigs..? They only do sausage..” He added. “You know.. because in the hotdogs you get the heart and the tongue and..”

“Oohhh-” I blurted out, looking at my watch suddenly (which stopped a month ago), like I had no idea I was late for the conflicting imaginary meeting I’d made up, and let myself out.

:: Only pig sausage b/c people who eat hotdogs are animal garbage disposals::  

Double click ‘Save.’  

Perfect notes. I deserve a promotion. 

--

Anyway, so it’s been quite a ride thus far. Every day is another challenge.. whether because you find out that they surprised you with a vegetable soup made with chicken stock, or the salad you ordered comes sprinkled with some candied bacon that wasn’t mentioned on the menu description. 

It’s fine. A fun journey for sure. And one that I think only gets better when you can go back later and, well, review the notes. 

---

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