#very bipolar

[crewtawn]

Kinda messy little comic about my new favorite horror game...

kinito deserved better.

I love him so much. I wish we could have redeemed him like this and kept him. Put him in a little robot body and have him roam around my home. I love him sm. Mwa. Kissy kissy.

BONUS:

[asadgirlwithaprettymind]

a fine gentleman: very demure, very mindful 🐈‍⬛

[dropaheart]

i know that p*tekey wasn't all that what people make it out to be for many reason but one of them is that patrick would NOT be standing next to mikeyway without trying to cause him bodily harm if he actually did hurt pete. patrick number one heychris hater stump would not be hugging that guy if pete was writing about his heartbreak to this day

[local-limebug]

adhd is an emotional storm and NO ONE TALKS ABOUT IT !!! like... executive dysfunction and forgetfulness and time blindness and all are a huge part of it and i see those being talked about all the time but no one fucking talks about the depression, the risk seeking, the hyperactive thinking, the things understimulation can lead to, like?? ADHD IS HELL. AND ALL ANYONE FUCKING TALKS ABOUT IS HYPERFIXATIONS.

[sparkpop]

I lub Ice Boy

[crewtawn]

KINITO MY BELOVED

Tasteful nudity here.

Those new to my blog wont know but I have a Rule34! NSFW drawing requests and commissions are TOTALLY allowed!

[maybe-boys-do-love]

Boss Kuno is really out here giving us heavily bipolar-coded characters in a sympathetic but honest light, and we respect him for that.

[spaciebabie]

i tought i had bipolar but it might've actually genuinely have been the mold that had coated my windows without me knowing for months on end

[theyaremycrocsyoudonut]

Prompt: Blur

Thank you @callivich for this week's @galladrabbles prompt. This was a painful one 😀

---

Ian had a manic episode last week. At first, he was just a bit more energetic than usual. Then, before anyone could grab it, he was having full blown discussions with the Shim. Mickey practically dragged him to the doctor and she had to change his meds. Afterwards, everything was a blur. The only thing Ian remembered vividly when he came back to reality was a conversation:

"I'm sorry I'm such a fuckup."

"You're not a fuckup. And never apologise for this shit, it's not like you asked for it."

His tears were interrupted by a kiss.

"I love you."

[dont-open-dead-inside-net]

*guy who just learned how to do subheaders voice* i'm sooooo cool and organized

[karamazovposting]

On Ivan and bipolar disorder (part one)

I've never seen anyone talk about this and it doesn't surprise me considering most people don't really know what bipolar disorder actually is (the stereotypes are all wrong and good representation in media is rare, sigh) and while I'm not saying my interpretation is the only correct one as I'm a firm believer that anyone can see whatever they want in art and that's a beautiful thing, in my opinion there are enough things about Ivan's behaviour and character that make my bipolar Ivan Karamazov agenda worthy of being pushed a little.

This first part will be more of an introduction where I'll just talk, in general, about what I picked up on in the first half of the novel and then in the next parts (I don't know how many there'll be yet, there's a lot of stuff to say) I'll get more specific by going over Ivan's inner world and the more significant events that made me think yeah this young man definitely needs some lithium.

Let's start with this: I know every Dostoevsky character is fucked up in their own way, that's pretty much his thing, but there is a difference between being a little fucked up and being actually mentally ill. There's just something about Ivan that made something in my brain click and go bipolar, which has never really happened before.

Do I think Dostoevsky deliberately chose to make Ivan so bipolar coded? Considering at the time there was barely a name for this disorder (which isn't even the same name we use today), let alone an actual diagnosis, no. But as someone who is diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I think his character makes a lot more sense if we see him as suffering from it. I even talked about this to my therapist who has read the book and he sees my vision too (lmao).

The thing that I'm sure jumps to someone's mind when it comes to Ivan and the topic of mental illness is the psychotic episode he goes through after Fyodor's murder, and while it kind of sustains my thesis on its own already, I thought he was bipolar coded way before that, because in my opinion there are a lot of subtle signs and behaviours that are kind of like little puzzle pieces that need to be put together to get to see the bigger picture, as bipolar disorder is not just the episodes someone goes through but also the impact those episodes have on them. It's a disorder that shapes the person, their brain chemistry and patterns and therefore their life in an irreversible way.

What initially struck me was how angry Ivan actually is. We don't really see it at first solely because we don't really see much of him in general, but I think that after he pushes Maksimov off the carriage without saying a word or explaining himself to his father we open some sort of Pandora's box. After that, almost every time he appears in the first half of the novel, he's angry. At the top of my head I can only think of two instances where he's not: when talking to Katerina before leaving for Moscow, which is also the first time we see him show an emotion other than anger (and it only took him, what? More than 300 pages? Yeah, relatable), and when he's at lunch with Alyosha shortly after. Other than that, he's always angry, and it's so visceral that I couldn't help but think that he feels that particular kind of deep rage only someone with bipolar disorder is capable of feeling (I personally nicknamed bipolar disorder the always fucking angry disorder). The way he's so deeply and irrationally angry that he feels himself shake and has to collect himself in order to not beat up Smerdyakov? The way he can't let it go and engages in conversation with him even though he himself doesn't even know why he's feeling or doing any of that? The way he treats his father? That's undiagnosed/untreated behaviour, I've been there. It may feel weird or even absurd if you're not familiar with this disorder, but there's a reason why the term bipolar rage is a thing: it is indeed on another level. It also seems like the only emotion he's comfortable with showing is anger and that's why it seems to be his only emotional outlet, as he didn't seem that eager to open up in front of Katerina and even when alone with his own brother you can feel some sort of awkwardness coming from him. I'll go into the specifics of that particular interaction with Alyosha in the future, but I think that after that Ivan's, very emotion-centered, character arc officially starts to develop as his relationship with his own feelings finally and slowly starts to change and becomes a tool to get him closer to the other characters. It's obviously not linear and I really like that, it feels very realistic.

Anyway, at first I thought I was just projecting, lots of people have anger issues and showing one symptom of something doesn't mean you have it, diagnostic criterias exist for a reason. The thing is, the more I read the more I noticed that not only Ivan happens to meet a lot of them, but he also shows some behaviors and has some personality traits that can easily be interpreted as bipolar coded (as I said a few paragraphs ago): his complex and peculiar type of loneliness, the emotional outbursts, his own perception of himself compared to how the other characters speak of him, his traumatic childhood, his attitude towards life (and death), the reasons behind his relationship with God and religion, his curated persona, the fact that no one seems to understand him. Not to mention he's described as having experienced depression and anguish multiple times in the past, and in a particular occasion in the novel not even knowing why (this one point in particular is very important as it connects to his attitude towards life and death, which is the most bipolar coded thing about him to me). All things I'll go over with more detail in the future when I'll get to his inner world.

For now I'll say that the main thing about bipolar disorder is that it fucks up one's emotions a lot, causing "inappropriate" or "abnormal" (for a lack of better terms) and exaggerated emotional responses and reactions in the people who have it (which usually manifest as the epic highs and lows the average person has at least heard of, but it can and does get more complicated than that) and I genuinely don't think Ivan reacts normally to anything, ever; the most noticeable thing to me is that his default reaction to anything, no matter what it is, is laughter. We also see him get extremely anxious to the point of being physically unwell and spiral a little after Smerdyakov and Fyodor tell him to go to Cermašnja due to what the former told him, which made me go damn, no one died yet and he's already paranoid?. His emotional regulation is a mess and he's so real (and bipolar) for that.

Another quite important thing about bipolar disorder is that it makes every emotion more intense to the point of confusion and being all over the place, which causes a person with bipolar disorder's emotional responses and reactions to be the way they are. Now, I'm not proclaiming myself as the one and only True Ivan Karamazov Understander, but I do think people tend to focus too much on his façade of coldness and on the darker side of his story, causing them to forget about how actually fun, passionate and almost childish he is at times. Ivan feels, and he feels deeply, and it isn't fair to overlook that just because he rarely shows it. Extreme rationality and collectedness can often also be a way to try to gain control over your symptoms (I'm guilty of that). We get to see some of his less collected emotionality in how dramatic he gets (like a true Karamazov) when reciting poetry in German to Katerina and in The brothers get acquainted, Rebellion and The Grand Inquisitor, as I already mentioned. At this point of the novel, something in particular happens and at this point in the novel I decide that yes, Ivan is bipolar coded.

I think I'll stop here at this sort of "cliffhanger" because this got quite long and I need one post only to elaborate that last paragraph. This isn't as coherent as I hoped it would be and, honestly, I kind of feel stupid, like I read too much into this and am seeing things that aren't there (how familiar, how fitting), but I wanted to share my perspective (and I'm also open to discussion!). Also, I won't lie, Ivan is my favorite character of The Brothers Karamazov and I don't think he's talked about enough, I've even seen people say he's the least interesting one out of the brothers which kind of broke my heart because I personally think he's the most interesting (no shade to the uninteresting Ivan gang of course). I don't know if I feel like that towards him because for the first time ever I got to see myself in a character and it was very important to me, but I don't think it really matters, "meeting" him made me happy and he will always be special to me, even if his story has its fair share of tragedy. Or maybe because of it. I'm planning on making a post about that and his ending in particular, but for now I'll focus on finishing this bipolar Ivan Karamazov essay.

No idea when I'll write the rest though, but I will.

[quasarkisses]

what if I have autism AND bipolar tho, would that explain why I always feel wrong in every way???

[raviollies]

Damn I just wanted to say the tags on your post really hit me…almost word for word I relate to all of that and I’ve been struggling trying to find a job to keep myself sane. I had a lot of those same thoughts and especially over the pandemic and it was unhealthy and awful and I lost a friendship that meant a lot to me bc of the same feelings you express in your tags. I’ve gotten a lot better, or at least I like to think I have, but learning to live with the knowledge of how you used to be (or at least being more aware of how not to be like that), and knowing you can’t turn back time has been hard. Seeking validation and attention…oof that all just hits so terribly home.

I think a lot of people developed a very unhealthy relationship with the internet over the pandemic - thankfully I was an essential worker so my pause in employment was super brief.

It IS hard to reconcile that that was also you but at the end of the day the best you can do is acting different and making a difference in the positive direction. You can't UNDO those actions - so really...moving forward is the ONLY thing to do. & while it doesn't excuse your actions, I do believe some grace needs to be given when it is coming from an unstable place such as mental illness.

I will admit I still have a very unhealthy relationship with validation. Not just online but it is turned up to 11 due to the whole dopamine hit of comments and likes. It used to be BAD, it would make me cry if a post flopped because I felt like people didn't care. It's an INCREDIBLY tough cycle, especially for someone mentally ill, but even for someone neurotypical it's common to descend into unfathomable toxicity in hopes of getting love from internet strangers. I mean recently there was a pretty prominent Vtuber scandal that was the most HORRID behavior all for the sake of being a popular streamer.

The internet is both a place that can really abate loneliness while worsening it in other aspects.

[wheelie-sick]

bipolar people involved in offline activism spaces- what do you wish your comrades understood about you & how can your comrades support you?

working on a zine and I don't want to make this entirely based on my own experiences

[brw]

I'll be honest while I do appreciate Avengers A.I. very deeply a part of me really wishes they kept with the language of schizophrenia regarding Hank's mental health, just because of like, how that language was initially used in a very sensationalised way? And a lot of his actions in comics in the 70s and 80s are contextualised by ableism specifically on the fear mongering of schizophrenic people, people who experience psychosis, and I think it would have been good to try and like face that legacy more head on? But I also understand the thought process and I don't necessarily think it's even a bad thing, I just wonder how things would be if they kept to his original diagnosis/the original language they used, because schizophrenia in comics especially is heavily demonised and heavily sensationalised and kind of overused for their villains as reasons for why they are the way they are so having a hero also experience that would have been good, I think.