#vegan treats are hard to come by where i live and i don't go out much anymore so i always splurge if i find good vegan sweets anywhere

[olivesjaw]

[mywheelieweirdlife]

Shout out to everyone else who has stupid digestive issues and every life change you do or don't make for it.

For me, 98% of changes I make feel worth it, but I know for others it's not.

But every time I spend a few days not at home on my very specific eating habits and schedules; I feel it and I hate it.

Normally people don't treat peanut butter and dates as a main part of their diet to the point where a jar of peanut butter going up in price is worthy of crying over bc it fucks the whole budget and you do in fact budget to buy both pitted dates and dried apricots in bulk.

Normal people don't treat yoghurt as a holy grail because your digestive system is so messed up that daily probiotics are also a life saver.

And peanut butter, Up&Go's and protein supplements worthy of the highest of fitness bros? Yeah; that's because I can't eat red meat regularly or meat regularly because my body refuses to tolerate it.

Do I take supplements like a vegan should because I have to eat vegetarian and eggs are expensive so I use cheese and milk as primary sources of calories? Yes yes I sometimes do when I can afford supplements; or more accurately I buy foods and juice with supplements... sometimes specifically made for elderly people who struggle with pills and food intake because I'm poor and that's the easiest way to do it. (And generally, they do taste good)

Do I live off coffee, dates, apricots, fibre supplements and slippery elm and lemon&honey tea because my body likes to refuse to digest food and I don't want to pay for or take laxative pills and the drinks are gross and expensive? Yes, unfortunately.

Do I also have to physically massage my entire digestive tract three times a day to physically move it because my muscles don't work? Unfortunately.

Does all of this lowkey scare me because I do want to get pregnant one day and I have no clue how that'll impact it? Yes, very much yes. Will be eating so much gentle high fiber food in the third trimester if I ever get pregnant knowing that's coming (not just because pregnancy... specifically for postpartum. If you know, you know).

Like do I feel incredibly sick and have for the last two days because of the changes while I was gone? Yes, it was awful.

Do I know have to fix my entire body because of it over the next two weeks? Yep, unfortunately. While having very little money to my name.

Did it once again highlight how much energy, effort and time my body steals from me? Yes, I spent a full hour and a bit on the toilet because of my stomach being a dick yesterday before therapy while my mother was out on a walk. And a good 30 tonight low key crying in pain which is fun.

I will also acknowledge that there's two sides of this:

I can spend the hours of planning and preparing and working with my body, acknowledging that it will never function normally but fuck I can try my best to live pain free.

Or...

I can do what I did while I stayed with others this weekend and pretend that I am fine and that food is not a problem... and pay for that in pain and constipation and bloating and all the other fun issues that come with my conditions.

And I personally choose change my lifestyle because I live with enough issues; but I have friends who choose 'normalcy' all the time not just for convenience on mother's day weekends.

But it's hard and it sucks and I can't get laid when I'm off my routine because it's too fucking painful. I have blood pressure spikes and drops when I'm off my routine. Hell; I never feel more dysphoric than when I'm off my routine because suddenly the pain reminds me of everything and I'm so tired my mental health drops like an avalanche on Mt Everest; fast, hard, all consuming and deadly.

And this is one part of my chronic illness management.

This is only 1 change.

It's not the nerve pain management, it's not the mental health management, it's not the connective tissue issues, the dislocations... anything else that impacts my life.

It's just the impacts my stomach and intestines have on my dietary requirements and the extra symptoms they add and exacerbate when I don't maintain a specific schedule for management that took years to learn and control and occasionally fluctuates.

Like I will never live a normal life and it's hard af but it's still mine and I want to live it.

But there's more than just me and we all deserve the recognition and acknowledgment for how much it takes and what fucking badasses we are for surviving such bullshit.

[bluemoontarot]

Realigning again after reading the replies, bc there's some good examples of both sides.

Yes, humans are overpopulated and that has caused an imbalance in the environment. Our spaces we need for shelter destroy habitats. But it is nearly impossible to create a plan to reduce the number of humans in one space without stepping on ethical treatment for US. Humans need space. Lots of it. I don't know the answer, few people do.

Yes, factory farming and capitalism is the issue here. Not ppl hunting for food. I had a great conversation with the same vegan at work after they made a jeer at me eating beef. Factory farming is causing the environment issues veganism is against. 200-400 yrs ago when a community had 2-3 local farms that provided the meat eggs and dairy to that small village or town? It wasn't causing that damage. They weren't breeding 1000s of cows. It was dozens and every part of the cow was used. Organs and all. The skin went into tanning for leather. If we could go back to that...imagine how much the environment would heal? But my vegan co worker pointed out that even the small city we live in couldn't sustain on that...most places can't now bc we are too dense population wise. And she's right.

It's a very complex issue. I live in a state with a huge AG focus. I work in the arts and law BUT even I grew up being involved with learning how farming worked, the basics. Factory farming was invented to tend to the demand of large populations, large populations require a lot of resources and space.

Deer culling is also done near me yearly. And the meat is brought back for the community, what meat the hunters don't save, it's very common to see deer meat and deer jerky being sold in local grocer parking lots or at farmers markets.

Again, I don't have the answer. Veganism, at its core, has a good battle to fight. Reduce the damage we humans have made with animal consumption. But it's a battle that is going to be long fought.

What can you do as a non-vegan?

Eat local. That is one of the biggest impacts. Majority of our produce and meat in my home comes from farmers markets where we get them from local farmers. Ppl at my work bring in tomatoes and corn and zucchini they grew and have an abundance of. We don't buy beef often, it's a treat. All our pork, chicken, eggs, and sausage are from a local farm. Fruit is probably one of the few non local things we get bc strawberries and bananas are not local but we like them.

Support native farmers in your area. Support their artwork and their tanning and their meat and crops.

The answer is not clear. Bc you can't just "stop all hunting" without hurting rural communities that rely on hunting.

Another tip: stop being picky on meat cuts. It's hard! We grew up with am aestehtic of what good meat looks like. But 200-400 years ago that beef tongue was dinner, and can still be bought. If communities and general mainstream consumption was less picky now...we'd waste less. Bones and hooves would make stock, organs would be eaten or put to use.

Sustainability is possible but it's gonna take a lot of work, communication, and social change to get there.

And as we know...social change is like pulling teeth.

A frustrating part of the mainstream vegan “love all animals and protect the environment” mindset is the fact that things need to die in real-life ecology all the time but deer hunting season makes icky feelings and carp culls aren’t cottagecore

[hawkinsharlot]

Thank you for your answer! 😊 Oh and since I haven't told you that in the last ask, I will do that now real quick : I love your Argyle writings and rambling, especially your portrayal and passion for him! That's so sweet 😍

Okay, here it comes :

Can I have a Stranger Things match up please? 💕

I've got really pale skin (which I love), white blonde shoulder-length hair with the tips dyed dark purple on one side and dark green on the other, a few ear piercings, I'm somewhat curvy (which I'm not insecure about), around 5'5 high and I'm always wearing only black clothing with a gothic/punk/metal/alternative style.

My own love language is gift giving and words of affirmation and from others it's physical touch and quality time. I'm female, interested in men, but I'm also open for women, so it's kind of both.

Meeting new people, being in crowded places and in the center of attention make me really anxious and uncomfortable. Although it's easier if I can relay and concentrate on someone really close to me. That's one of the reasons why I prefer staying inside and leaving the house only when absolutely necessary.

I have deep emotions, but they tend to overwhelm me and I struggle with communicating and procressing them alone, which leads me to relying on others (and annoying them with it) but also understanding others and the world around me on a deeper level. I believe that's also why I'm so accepting, supporting and open-minded.

I love to help others, I tend to always put their well-being before my own and try anything possible to make it easier for them and take some weight off their shoulders, to lighten up someone's mind and make their worries less overwhelming. To put it simply, I hate to see others suffering and will do anything to help them.

I'm the happiest when the people I love are happy, when someone truly listens to me, my thoughts and feelings.

I hate the summer, but love autumn and it's aesthetic, flavours, scents and weather!

I'm a very loving, warm and passionate person. I care about the people who're close to me and I will go to great length to help them. Furthermore, I'm ultimately loyal and would never betray or let people I love down!

I hate when people believe they can define or generalize what's normal or beautiful, boring or annoying, typical or effective. All these are personal views and usually I find beauty where others don't, enjoy unusualness and uniqueness and despise mainstream and stereotypical things. Being like everyone else or fitting into some kind of box annoys me so much! That sometimes leads me to avoid people who're considered normal or fit easily in.

The nightsky inspires and fascinates me, just as much as rain calms me down and fills me with serenity, passion and happiness. My biggest passion is music and I could never live a day without it, it's like the air to breathe. I especially love (symphonic-,heavy-) metal!

I'm extremely shy, insecure and self-doubting, always believe that I'm annoying those around me. That's why I tend to distance myself and don't speak/act at all, in fear of embrassing myself even more. It helps if there's someone who helps, grounds and understands me in these times! With the right person, I can actually be quite sarcastic.

I firmly believe in the power of honesty and wish to be respected and accepted as much as I do show others.

My senses are pretty strong and my surroundings, especially combinated with my high social anxiety, sometimes lead me to anxiety and panic attacks, which I obliviously hate and am ashamed of. I struggle to get out of them on my own, but to someone really close to me it's actually not so hard.

I love watching movies and TV shows. To be honest, I prefer living in fictional worlds and daydreams over the real world. I'm especially enthusiastic about horror and fantasy.

I'm living vegan and I'm really passionate about it. I wish to never ever harm an animal and to treat them with all the love my heart is capable of! If I could, I would help and adopt every single animal and care for them lovingly.

I'm quite clingy and like to be surrounded by everything that's even remotely that of someone who's close to me. If I could, I would spend every minute with them and feel as (physicially and emotionally) close to them as possible.

I'm longing for someone to fall in love with me, accepting and supporting me just as I'm. I'm not easy to get along with and I'm used to feel like a outcast and weirdo, I believe that putting up with me is quite a burden, which I also don't wish to put upon someone. I don't need a lot of people around me, just one fully by my side is more than enough!

Thank you so much! 💕

sorry this took so long, my dude, i've been busy as hell lately :(

I ship you with... Steve Harrington!

I ship you with Steve Harrington! The biggest plot points in your relationship would be your shared desire for a deep connection with someone and both of you being hopeless romantics. Steve doesn't want just a girlfriend, but he wants someone who would he can confide in and who can be his other half. He's a good person to rely on too, he'd take the time with you to understand your complex emotions and thought and make sure you feel heard and seen at all times when it comes to that. He'd admire how passionate you get about the things you enjoy and the things you stand for. Even if you can't speak your mind loudly at times, Steve will always make sure you're taken care of <3

What he likes about you...

physically speaking, he'd love everything about you even if you have a ton of doubt about yourself. he'd love your curves and he'd especially love how much shorter you are than him. perfect height for forehead kisses! he also loves your style. he was a bit intimidated a first, but it evaporated as soon as he started talking to you

he'd love how you sit and you take your time with things and how passionate you are about your interest and your beliefs. honestly, he'd probably try and go vegan with you but he's not too ready to give up meat just yet.

he loves how you opened up to him once you both started becoming friends and talking more. at first, he was intimidated, funnily enough, by your clothes and demeanor, but was pleasantly surprised once he started to get to know you. it wasn't long before he fell, and steve harrington falls hard. he felt so fucking lucky once he got to know you, he couldn't imagine it any other way

Dating him would include...

get ready to never have another moment of alone time ever again. he's literally the clingiest person alive, but honestly it goes great with you! he's very physically clingy, that's for sure. you're never gonna go anywhere without him having an arm around you and showing you off to everyone. even when you're alone with him, he'd be holding your hands or cuddled up against you. and man, there'd be a shit ton of kisses. all the time, everywhere <3

him comforting you a lot. once you both start dating, he notices a lot of unease on your part, which is crazy to him. you're the most perfect girl in the world, how could you be nervous about dating him? once he figure it out though, it's non stop comfort from there on out. lot's a nights would be spent of him cuddled up next to you and making sure you feel nice and loved !!

attention. just in general, you're gonna be getting a lot of attention from him, and a ton from his friends as well. dustin would definitely like you, and just like that, you became dustin's other other mom along side steve. he'd introduce you to all the people he hangs out with on the daily or often, including robin! sooner or later, the all of you would become a little trio. if you didn't have friends before, you definitely do now :)

[secret-kpoplibrary]

In Your Dreams Pt. 4

Pairing: Baker!Seokjin x Lawyer!Reader

Word Count: 3.1k

Warnings: no warnings here we chillin

Genre: idk again- fluff probably

Summary: You wouldn't necessarily call yourself cynical or pessimistic, but when it comes to the topic of soulmates, well you're certainly not the most agreeable person. It's not that you don't believe in love but, when your career exposes you to what happens when 'love' isn't enough, when being soulmates doesn't bring your happy ending- it can be hard to put your faith in such things. Still, just like everyone else you have the dreams, the ones of your soulmate's memories. The ones you'll continue to have until you find them. Unfortunately for yours, meeting him does little to change your outlook- at first. He's certainly got his work cut out for him.

***

You're sitting in your living room looking through emails that need answers by Monday when Lisa comes strolling into your apartment.

"Hello!" She yells as she plops down beside you.

"Hello Lisa, I wasn't aware you were coming over today." You tell her, not looking up from your laptop.

"I wasn't planning on it actually- but I was in the area and said to myself, 'self- we should go visit y/n, we haven't done that in a while' and went 'you know what self you are so right' and so- here I am." She says flinging her arms out like she's presenting herself. You chuckle a little.

"Alright well make yourself comfortable then." You hum.

"No no no we are going out!" She says.

"Out where and for what-?" You scoff.

"You know where we haven't been in a while?" She asks.

"I can think of several places including the library and that vegan place we went to last month." You say.

"We should go back there- they had really good food." She muses, "but no neither of those answers are correct." She shakes her head.

"Alright, so what is the correct answer?" You look at her.

"Sweeter Than Sweet!" She says. Your face twists into a look that you know says 'what the fuck'

"You go there almost every single day." You scoff.

"I know but you haven't gone with me in like two weeks." She says.

"And the problem with that is-?" You trail.

"I think it should be our regular spot." She nods her head.

"Why? So you can flirt with Jimin?"

"No! I just like their treats." She says blushing and looking away.

"If you say so hon." You scoff.

"Whatever- can we go to Sweeter Than Sweet or not?" She huffs.

"You're asking that like you're actually giving me a choice. If I have to go- we're also going to the vegan place after. I'm dying for a chicken cheesesteak." You tell her.

"Deal!" She agrees easily hopping off your couch. You save and close out what you're working on and shut down your computer.

"Just let me grab a jacket." You tell her walking down the hall to your coat closet. It's nearly the end of October now and while it's not particularly cold yet, sometimes it can be chilly, so you grab a leather jacket and follow Lisa out of your apartment.

"We're taking my car." She announces unlocking the vehicle and getting inside of her car. You slide into the passenger side.

"So how's your design going Lis?" You ask her.

"I finally finished it- I've just gotta decide on a pattern so I can get started on a mock-up." She says excitedly.

"That's great. Do you have fabrics in mind?" You ask her.

"Hm not yet- I was actually going to the fabric store when I came over."

"Are we still gonna stop there then?"

"Nah, fabric decisions can wait." She waves it off. The two of you reach the bakery shortly after and she quickly parks her car and gets out. You wonder how she can come here so often and still get excited about it every time. If you had to guess, you'd assume it's that she's crushing on Jimin- but who can say for sure really. The two of you enter the bakery and you barely notice Jimin darting towards the back. Barely, but you choose to ignore it as it may be unrelated. Or at least you thought so until Jin comes strolling out and takes Jimin's place. Suddenly his running to the back seems a lot more calculated. When you reach the counter Jin is quick to greet you both.

"Hello and welcome to Sweeter Than Sweet, what can I get for you ladies today?" He smiles brightly.

"Jin? Oh my gosh- I've never seen you taking orders before!" Lisa smiles.

"Yes well, Jimin's on his lunch break right now so- I'm filling in for a bit." Jin explains.

"Well when he comes back from his break tell him to come say hi." She tells Jin.

"Of course! In the meantime though, what can I get for you?"

"I will take the raspberry orange scone please oh and a cup of tea." She says.

"And for you?" Jin turns his attention.

"Blueberry scone and a cup of coffee please." You say politely. This time Lisa is faster than you with her card and hands it to Jin before he's even said the price.

"I'll bring your order over to you momentarily." He says handing her back her card.

"Thank Jin." She says.

"Since when did you and him become friends?" You ask Lisa as the two of you pick a table and sit down.

"I wouldn't say we're friends. We've only spoken a few times, since he's usually in the back, but he's quite friendly. Which you know nothing about." She jokes.

"Right of course." You say. It takes a very short while for Jin to waltz over with your scones and requested drinks.

"Thank you Jin." Lisa says.

"You're welcome. If you need anything just holler." Jin says before slipping away.

"You know, if you tried talking to him- I think you and Jin would get along well." Lisa muses. Oh if only she knew.

"Okay." You respond biting into your scone.

"Y/n-"

"Why does it matter if I get along with him exactly? I'm not going to be rude to him obviously but it's not like I need new friends or anything."

"I know I just feel like you'd get along." She shrugs.

"Hm." You hum taking a sip of your coffee.

"Do you disagree?"

"Girl I don't know him. Not saying I don't trust your judgment I'm just not looking to expand my circle." You roll your eyes.

"You're so weird." She shakes her head.

"Thank you." You wink at her. She chuckles at you and bites into her own scone presumably giving up on her advocation for your friendship with Jin.

Lisa is telling you a story about something that happened to her at work the other day maybe ten minutes after your conversation about Jin ended when the sound of someone clearing their throat halts your conversation. You both turn to find Jin standing awkwardly at your table.

"Oh hi again Jin. Everything okay?" Lisa asks while you busy yourself pretending to be occupied on your phone.

"Yeah! Everything's totally fine. I just, have a question." He smiles at her.

"Ask away." Lisa says.

"Actually- it's a question for y/n." He says softly. You barely manage to hold back a sigh as you're forced to look at him when he says that.

"What can I do for you Jin?" You ask placing your phone face down on the table and looking directly up at him. You knew you wouldn't be able to avoid it forever, might as well face the music especially since it's blasting in your ear.

"Well, I was wondering if you'd be interested in going on a date with me." He says sheepishly. Lisa squeals at this. She's practically bouncing in her seat as she waits for you to answer.

"No thanks." You say flatly, sipping your coffee.

"Wait what?" He blinks at you in surprise as you pick up your phone again.

"Y/n!" Lisa scoffs.

"What? I answered the question." You look at her.

"I- I don't understand. Y-you're turning me down?" Jin is caught extremely off guard by your response. He couldn't believe you would turn down a date with your soulmate.

"Not used to rejection I see. Must be hard." You mutter without looking up from your phone.

"I can handle rejection just fine. I'm just confused." He huffs.

"Why? My answer was very clear. No. Thanks." You say.

"Wait, do you not know?" He asks trying to look at your face.

"Do I not know what?" You ask.

"We're soulmates. You have to have realized that by now."

"Oh that. Yes, I know." You shrug.

"Wait stop you guys are soulmates!? And y/n you knew and didn't say anything?! Since when?" Lisa scoffs.

"The first time we came here." You say with a sigh knowing she'll only continue pressing.

"What?!" She practically yells.

"Calm down." You roll your eyes.

"No no no you've known for that long!?"

"Yes. We came here, I went back to your place with you and that night I had a dream about the opening of the bakery. Jimin was talking to him. Congratulating him about opening this place." You explain.

"And you didn't wanna share that information?" She crosses her arms.

"I know how you are about the whole soulmate thing. Not to mention it's not technically your business."

"Wait so Jin, a few weeks ago when you came over to introduce yourself to us, it was because you knew too. Wasn't it?" Lisa asks him.

"Yes. Because I'd seen you in a dream. I mean- I've seen you in several dreams, but I had one of you here. So when I saw you I asked Jimin if he remembered you coming here with anyone else-"

"And of course since you hadn't been here with anyone but me he said no. Which led the two of them to conclude that I was his soulmate. And then Jimin told him to come over and talk to us." You finish Jin's story.

"How do you-"

"After we left that day I had a dream of your conversation with him." You answer his incomplete question.

"I cannot believe you kept this from me." Lisa frowns at you.

"Lisa we've had a million conversations about soulmates- it really shouldn't surprise you."

"Hi, yeah, sorry to interrupt but now I'm even more confused. If you've known we're soulmates for that long why didn't you say anything back then? And why did you turn me down just now?" Jin frowns.

"I have no interest in soulmates really. Sorry to disappoint you. A series of random memories that don't belong to me is not enough to convince me that we are at all compatible." You tell him.

"Are you scared to find out that we are?" He asks.

"You can't possibly know if we're compatible. You don't even know my last name." You tell him matter of factly.

"Well that's what the date was for. To get to know you." He says.

"Just go it's only one date." Lisa pouts.

"Lisa." You say in warning.

"She's right, it's only one date. What's the harm in that?" He asks.

"The harm would be my wasted time." You tell him.

"It's only wasted if you don't gain anything. In one scenario, we go on the date, we learn we're not compatible, and then we both know for sure and can go our separate ways. In the other, we have an amazing time and consider the possibility of a relationship. Sounds to me like either way you come out of this with something. At the very least a free dinner." He shrugs at the end of his explanation. You look at him for a long moment and while this decision doesn't affect her you can tell Lisa is holding her breath as they both wait for your response.

"Fine. One date." You secede.

"Perfect." He says. Lisa scrambles for a sheet of paper from her bag and scribbles something on it, handing it to Jin quickly.

"Her number. So you can call and set it up." She explains to him.

"Seriously Lisa?" You roll your eyes.

"If he gives you his number there's a high chance you just won't use it." She says.

"I already agreed to it. I'm not one to go back on my word." You say.

"Better safe than sorry." She shrugs.

"Thanks Lisa. I'll be in touch y/n." He smiles and leaves your table.

"I cannot believe this is happening." You sigh.

"I cannot believe you kept this a secret from me! Is that why you didn't want to be friends with him!?" She asks.

"Not really. I don't need new friends Lisa. As for not telling you- initially I didn't want you to meddle, and then you became associated with him directly and I couldn't tell you because I know you wouldn't be able to help yourself." You tell her.

"Yes I would have!" She protests.

"Lisa- you and I both know that is not true." You say staring at her blankly.

"I can control myself, if you told me to stay out of it I would have." She insists.

"You have literally never stayed out of anything I have ever asked you to stay out of in the decade we've been friends." You tell her.

"I only meddle when I think it'll help."

"And you expect me to believe that you wouldn't see meddling here as helping given how much you think I need a relationship?"

"I- no comment." She says.

"That's what I thought." You say. She rolls her eyes but simply takes another bite of her scone instead of responding. The two of you eat quietly for a couple minutes. It's not an awkward one, you're best friends after all, but it doesn't last long as you're interrupted once again, but this time it's Jimin who walks up to your table.

"Hello ladies!" He says brightly.

"Jimin!" Lisa says.

"Hey Jimin." You nod at him.

"Someone told me I was to report here after my break. Everything alright?" He asks.

"Everything's fine. I just wanted to say hi." Lisa shrugs.

"Well then hi to you." He smiles at her.

"You'll never guess what just happened!" Lisa says.

"I think he knows." You tell her, positive Jin already informed his employee and friend about your upcoming date.

"What happened?" He asks, humoring her.

"Jin just asked y/n on a date and she said yes!" Lisa announces.

"Technically I was persuaded into it." You correct her.

"Semantics. Isn't it so cool that they're soulmates?" She asks him.

"Totally. Jin's a great guy so you know she'll be treated right." Jimin says.

"Hey Jimin, question for you." You say.

"What's up?" He turns to you.

"You wouldn't by chance have anything to do with what just happened before you came out?" You quirk an eyebrow at him.

"What makes you say that?" He asks- you note that he completely dodged the question.

"Well it's just that your break conviently ended right after he got a yes from me and besideds- you usually don't take breaks this early into your shift." You tell him.

"Okay so I may have helped- but all I did was take a little break when you walked in. And maybe I advised him to come back over here and ask you out. But maybe I didn't." He shrugs.

"You sneaky little-"

"He was never gonna do it on his own! You make him so nervous I swear he looks like he might spontaneously combust if you so much as breathe a certain way! Which is weird because he's usually super confident." Jimin says cutting off whatever insult he knew was coming.

"You and Lisa are cut from the same cloth I tell you." You scoff.

"W-what? No we're not! We're completely separate individuals." Jimin says looking literally anywhere but at your table.

"Well- duh you just act the same. She definitely would've done something equally as meddlesome if she knew about Jin before now." You say.

"I still can't believe you didn't tell me." Lisa shakes her head.

"Because you cannot help yourself but meddle. Seems like you've got yourself a partner in crime now though. Two peas in a pod if I ever saw." You say.

"Partner in crime? Nah I don't think so." Jimin waves his hand.

"Jimin can I- bother you over there for a second?" You ask standing up.

"Why?" His eyes widen.

"I just have a quick question." You shrug as if it's nothing.

"Well why can't I know." Lisa pouts. You wave her off.

"Jimin?" You look at him.

"Uh- sure." He nods. You grab his arm and lead him back over by the register.

"Okay spill, why are you acting so- weird all of a sudden?" You ask leaning against the counter.

"Well- uh- the truth is, I'm pretty sure Lisa's my soulmate." He says.

"Wait seriously?!" You blink at him. What are the odds of that- your best friend's soulmate being friends with your soulmate. How bizarre.

"Well I don't know for sure, she doesn't seem to know and I'm not sure how to tell her. What if she responds like- weirdly. Especially since she recently got out of a serious relationship-"

"Well you'll have to tell her sooner or later. I recommend sooner. She already thinks you're cute. As long as you can prove you're soulmates to her- I think you'll be golden." You shrug.

"You think so?" He asks.

"Totally! I'm surprised she hasn't figured it out yet- I'm sure at least one of her dreams has taken place here. Piecing it together shouldn't be that hard." You muse.

"Well she did ask me one day who all works here- maybe that was her trying to narrow it down-?" He frowns.

"Probably. Just tell her, I mean you already get along great so- the odds are in your favor." You shrug.

"You're right. I should tell her. But not today. Promise you won't say anything until I decide to tell her?" He asks you.

"I promise. But only if you promise to do it soon okay?"

"I  promise." He nods.

"Good- now if you'll excuse me, I have a scone to finish." You say turning around. You can hear him laugh as you walk back to your table.

"So what was that about?" Lisa asks as soon as you sit down.

"Nothing important." You shrug.

"It must be if you felt you had to walk away from me to do it." She says.

"I just- had a question- about Jin and I didn't want you to be all weird about it." You shrug. Yeah, that's a believable lie.

"Oh?! Taking interest I see." She wiggles her shoulders.

"See this is why I walked away you weirdo." You roll your eyes. She laughs loudly as you sip your coffee. The two of you are there long enough to finish your pastries and coffee before you head off to your next stop on your impromptu hangout day. You glance back to catch Jimin watching as you and more importantly Lisa leaves, you shoot him a thumbs up on your way out the door and he smiles back.

You put away thoughts of the bakery and the two men there who're implanting themselves into your lives but man, if only Lisa knew what was in store for her. ***

Part 4/???

[punkscowardschampions]

Cosmo & Amber

Amber: [okay so the clerb was a whole mood ™ before his ⚽ mates make it awkward and she goes off with some other lad, but we wanna say anything happened between them before then or is it just a VIBE] Cosmo: [I say a VIBE] Amber: [if you wanted you could do your own #necklaceapology here unless you wanna say that already happened] Cosmo: [probably not now 'cos of the leaving with someone else element of it all, even though he deffo changed and blanked her basically, 'cos you know] Amber: [ah the joys] Cosmo: [fun times all 'round] Cosmo: get home safe? Amber: I will when he takes me home Amber: how are you feeling? Cosmo: fantastic Amber: 9 lives Cosmo: no need to compare numbers Amber: did you have a game today? Cosmo: friendly Amber: and was it? Cosmo: you wanna know if I got carded? Amber: and if you scored or helped someone else to Amber: I want to know everything that happened Cosmo: We lost Amber: and you don't want to talk about it or we can? Cosmo: we've had enough of an ear-bashing off the management but if you reckon you've got any suggestions feel free Amber: why do you think I'd be coming from a place of 😠? Cosmo: losing = bad Amber: not if it means you win next time Amber: everything's a learning experience when your dad's a teacher Cosmo: I was just off my game Cosmo: it's not going to happen again Amber: I do remember saying that maybe Saturday wasn't the best night to take my clubbing 🍒 Cosmo: you wanted to go, you got what you wanted Amber: do you want to talk about it? Cosmo: about what, exactly Amber: that dig which implies you didn't get what you wanted Cosmo: There's no dig, I lost, that's not what I wanted Cosmo: I don't need you coming in after the fact with an 'I told you so' Cosmo: you saw the rest of my team out, it's a weekly occurrence Amber: then don't put the blame onto me Cosmo: where'd I say that Amber: I wanted to go, it's my fault Cosmo: You didn't force me to take you Cosmo: you couldn't Amber: I know, so I don't appreciate the tone Cosmo: I'm so sorry Amber: I'm sorry you lost Cosmo: sure you are Amber: it's genuine, unlike yours Cosmo: I'm not apologising to you, what the fuck have I done but take you out Cosmo: and you clearly had a good time Amber: you could apologise for how you acted last night or how you are now Amber: but I won't wait for either Cosmo: I weren't acting Amber: not before your friends got there Amber: only after Cosmo: other way 'round Cosmo: that's who I am Amber: why did you invite me out if you don't want to be seen with me? Cosmo: it's not that Cosmo: I knew they weren't your people, you wouldn't have enjoyed hanging with them Amber: you don't get to make those kind of decisions for me Cosmo: I wasn't going to let them be dicks to you Amber: neither would I Amber: I can defend my own honour, thanks Cosmo: Well if I can, then I'm going to, simple as Cosmo: it didn't need to be a thing Amber: no, if you can keep me separate from them, you're going to Amber: that's what you mean Cosmo: I told you, you're not my type of person, I'm not yours Cosmo: that includes my friends Amber: you spelled out to me in great detail how I don't fit into your life the way it is, so why did you invite me out?! Amber: you made it into a thing Cosmo: you wanted to Amber: I wanted to, the way you said it would be, not THAT Cosmo: they usually go [different club] Amber: we could've left, I'd have gone to a different club with you Cosmo: wasn't my plan either Cosmo: you would? Amber: of course, I would've, I meant everything I said about not adding to the pressure that you're under Amber: but that doesn't mean I'm going to make it easy for you to smuggle me into dark corners like it's such a shameful secret that we're friends Amber: you don't get to treat me however you want because your life is hard Cosmo: I know it's fucked up Cosmo: and yeah, it saves me hassle, not going to deny it, but I don't wanna hear the shit they'd have to say about you, any more than I'd want you to hear it Amber: address it and you wouldn't have to hear it again, about any girl Amber: stop giving them a free pass to say things like that Cosmo: yeah, it's that easy Amber: It's not easy, nor is it easy being a girl getting treated like an object Cosmo: this is my career we're talking about Cosmo: I make their lives hard, they make mine hard for me right back Cosmo: I'd be off the team before I knew it Cosmo: it's not like they're rapists or anything crazy Amber: you've got better excuses than your brother, I'll give you that Cosmo: don't compare us Amber: why not? it's a variation of the same behaviour and I'm tired of it Cosmo: I'm fuck all like my brother Amber: at least you're sorry Cosmo: What's he done to you now? Amber: he hasn't done anything to me and this conversation isn't about him anyway Cosmo: Amber Cosmo: you can tell me Amber: you already know what he's like, I don't need to Cosmo: Sure, he's a little prick Cosmo: but why are you upset with him right now Amber: because there are girls there that are more vulnerable than me and the way you're acting like you need to stand up for me against your friends is what they need and aren't getting Amber: it was brought to my attention and I should've realised before Cosmo: what does that mean though Amber: I need to do something to help, I don't know Cosmo: you mean he's like hurt someone Amber: not physically, don't worry Cosmo: okay, good Cosmo: it sounded like you meant he'd like Cosmo: assaulted someone Amber: I'm sorry, no, it's not that Amber: like your friends, I'm sure he wouldn't Cosmo: don't girls have a whole code Cosmo: put the word out about him being whatever type of dick he's being, then you won't have to feel bad, it'll be on him and them Amber: I have Cosmo: there you go then Cosmo: they'll have the info to make their own decisions now Cosmo: opposed to whatever bullshit he might come out with Amber: I don't want to talk about Dash Cosmo: okay Amber: was your dad at your game? Cosmo: no, he was doing something with his girlfriend's family Cosmo: so I'll have to tell him now, that we lost Amber: how upset is he going to be? Cosmo: when he realizes why Cosmo: quite a bit Amber: you could lie, I won't sneak in through his window and tell him Cosmo: he'll see Cosmo: or talk to the managers Cosmo: I can maybe think of something that makes it sound better but he isn't big on excuses so Amber: they don't know why, do they? unless they were also at the club which is a bit hypocritical and strange Amber: but I was asking to see if you wanna do a meditation or something with me before you tell him Amber: this boy doesn't have a yoga mat, I could improvise though Cosmo: One of the lads practically sprayed the pitch Cosmo: weren't me but it's a sort of if one of us is in shit then we all are Cosmo: but no one else's dad will make 'em do extra training on top of the extra training Cosmo: it's fine, just not ideal Cosmo: I think you should leave, though Amber: why do you think I should leave? Cosmo: you don't even know who he is Amber: he's making brunch and I have manners Cosmo: if you had manners you wouldn't be using me for entertainment whilst you wait Amber: I'm not Amber: I'm making sure you're okay because I haven't seen or heard from you since last night happened the way it did Cosmo: You don't need to check up on me Cosmo: go enjoy your brunch Amber: you didn't need to either but you started this conversation to do exactly that Cosmo: I had no idea you were having brunch Amber: relax, 9, it isn't candlelit Amber: he's on his phone too Amber: just because I sleep outside doesn't mean I was born in a barn Cosmo: Does he know how old you are Amber: yes, I don't seduce men via deception Cosmo: how old is this man then Amber: 18, he's a boy really Cosmo: 🙄 Amber: what? Cosmo: bit weird on his part Amber: where did you meet all your stalkers and girlfriends? Cosmo: I've not gone out with an 18 year old Amber: you're behaving like I said 28 Amber: if I'd met him at school, it wouldn't even be an issue Cosmo: it'd still be weird Cosmo: you're a kid Amber: ⭐ Cosmo: Whatever Amber: it's not, stop trying to make me feel bad about this Cosmo: I'm not, I'm saying he's weird Amber: do you know him? Amber: because after your reluctance to let your friends anywhere near me, I don't think you're in any position to judge Cosmo: he's 18, you told him you were 15 Cosmo: speaks for itself Amber: boy, you're in the wrong career 👮 Amber: I'm fine thanks, officer Cosmo: 'cos sound lads can never get girls their own age Cosmo: it isn't my fault if you feel bad Amber: yes it is because last night is a weekly occurrence for you and it you know it wasn't for me Amber: so you don't get to tell me how I can or can't decide to make the best of something Cosmo: Then you should listen to me and go home Cosmo: for fuck's sake Amber: I can't walk home from here in this outfit, it's too far Amber: you think he's weird that'd be nothing on what I'd get from actual grown men if I do Cosmo: you can't make him give you money for a cab? Amber: I don't want to ask, because if he says no then you're right, and I don't want you to be right Cosmo: I'll ping you some now alright Cosmo: then we don't have to find out Amber: don't, I haven't got any way to pay you back Amber: you've spelled out your feelings about 🍏🍊🐓 Cosmo: would you rather chance it and get a lift back from someone you don't even want to ask about the taxi Cosmo: how else are you going to do it, don't be stupid Amber: 😠 okay Amber: but I'm staying angry at you Cosmo: do what you like, I don't care about the money or paying you to be nice Amber: what do you care about? I'll do something that'll benefit that Cosmo: just get home unmurdered, yeah Cosmo: that works for me Amber: are you home? I could make you brunch Cosmo: you just want two brunches Amber: yes, but I also want you to have one Cosmo: What are you going to make? Amber: after extensive research, a lot of footballers are vegan, are you? Cosmo: for the most part Cosmo: I eat fish sometimes Amber: oily fish is good for ⚽ that was part of the research and 🍣📸 is apparently part of the lifestyle Amber: but avocado toast with blueberry, banana and chia seed pancakes won't get me voted out of the commune Cosmo: alright nerd Cosmo: is he a footballer or what? Amber: no, he goes to some catholic school, I don't know it Cosmo: definite weirdo then Cosmo: nah, thanks though Cosmo: sounds good Amber: his parents house is pretty close to yours so don't ruin your appetite with snacks Cosmo: I don't eat snacks Cosmo: not even to piss you off Amber: never?! Amber: What about 🍏 🍎 🍐 🍊 🍋 🍌 🍉 🍇 🍓 🍈 🍒 🍑 🥭 🍍 🥥 🥝 ? Amber: or 🥜? Cosmo: if I was dying but nah Cosmo: little and often Amber: I'm relieved you're not dying Amber: it sounds like you and your friends partied harder than I did after we separated Cosmo: They did anyway Amber: you didn't? Cosmo: I never get as fucked up as them Amber: because you don't want to or because you're 💪🏽? Cosmo: I don't wanna be the one making us lose Cosmo: or losing my spot on the team Amber: it stops being fun Amber: if I make a decision I'd like to know that it wasn't my blood alcohol level that really did Cosmo: yeah Cosmo: think a lot of people do the opposite for the excuse Amber: not to side with your dad before I've even met him but I don't love excuses either Cosmo: it's a good rule, if a little tough Amber: I did think you were saying that was why you weren't as focused though Cosmo: can be, if you like Amber: but what's the answer? Cosmo: nosy Amber: secretive Cosmo: it doesn't matter does it Amber: it must matter to you if it's why you lost Amber: but it doesn't matter if you don't want to tell me, I'm still making brunch Amber: [show up and knock 9 times again gal] Cosmo: [shooketh lowkey like didn't think you were that close, also so many knocks, saying Indie is home so being over your shoulder like it's fine I know who it is as you open the door] Amber: [we know the vibe she's making herself at home immediately because she's that bitch, saying hi to his mum and asking her if she wants brunch too or just tea or coffee all the while in last night's extra af club lewk because awkwardness doesn't exist for her and we're getting in that kitchen and putting on music and dancing and cooking like we live here] Cosmo: [just introducing her because we're freaking out but then you're like, idk what to even say so you're calling her 'Dash's friend' which frankly makes this stranger though I guess explainable lol, lowkey not even looking at her because we cannot for all the reasons] Amber: [that hurt her heart because boy I'm literally making you brunch, we're friends, but we're not correcting that sentence, we're just chatting to his mum and doing all the things like he's lowkey not there] Cosmo: [oh boy, so lowkey rude truly on accident because you don't want the conversation I highly doubt your mum would start rn like OOOOOOOOH lol, gonna make your dad call you like he's found out so go outside and promise all the shit you're gonna do to stay on top] Amber: [Indie would never do you like that boy but we know where you're coming from and Amber isn't coming for your life rn either even if she doesn't understand because she literally tells her parents everything] Cosmo: [come in in a bit visibly more stressed even though you already were/always are, poor boy[ Amber: [at least the food would probably be ready by then because none of the things she was making would take that long and I assume his dad was going off for a while so she can just put the food in front of him] Cosmo: [look like ? as if you literally didn't compute she was really doing it until it's fully in front of you like oh 'thank you' also piss off now Indie/Billie sorry bye] Amber: [take your coffee and go gal before he has a breakdown please, the bae who isn't the bae needs to smile at him in a really genuine and adorable way because he remembered his manners] Cosmo: [smiling back but we're just distracted by all things so it's not as real as it can be though we trying 'what did you have for your first brunch?'] Amber: ['oatmeal' not said in a shady way but it's just reinforcing that the boy wasn't bringing his A game here] Cosmo: [just raising a brow and trying not to smile too smugly 'glad you put more effort in'] Amber: [😠 lowkey because he doesn't get to be smug like at least that boy made something he hasn't even made her a drink like excuse you 'I'm glad you like it'] Cosmo: [nudging her under the table with his foot like what] Amber: [a look like you know what] Cosmo: ['you want more oatmeal?' doing a bad mimic of her voice] Amber: [hitting him on the arm like stop, even if she has to lean across the table to do it] Cosmo: ['what?' well done for saying it] Amber: ['I like oatmeal more than you right now' because we're cross] Cosmo: ['hey' and reaching across the table to do the squeeze-of-the-hand-apology and then gesturing at her plate like let's just eat] Amber: [when he literally hasn't touched her before this so we're dying but eating like it's chill] Cosmo: ['this is a better way to do the footballer diet than I have been' for a compliment moment 'cos like everything we're being overly regimented duh] Amber: [leaves the pancake recipe in the chat for him because quick and easy tbh] Cosmo: 👍 Cosmo: [then doing it IRL like a nerd] Amber: 🤓 Amber: [but we're amused] Cosmo: that's you Cosmo: I'm evil, I remember Cosmo: [jokey 😒 'cos wants to be a Gryffindor 'good guy'] Amber: no, you're brave but not stupid Amber: [goes on a little slytherin pride style rant like this is how great you are] Cosmo: [just like 'say how you really feel about me' like it's all bants but listening to all her nerding out] Amber: ['I feel like you'd be a good friend to have' because we haven't forgotten what he said earlier] Cosmo: [penny dropping moment 'cos boys are that oblivious facts lol, shrugging like come on but clearly awkward 'what should I have said? after last night-' like are you even my friend now] Amber: ['You said what you were comfortable with' again not said in a shady way, just like yet again I'm not trying to make your life hard boy 'but after last night, if I were you, I'd want to pacify me'] Cosmo: ['how would you suggest I do that?' saucy saucy] Amber: ['I would suggest it comes from you, to be like, actually sincere'] Cosmo: [🤔 then being like hold up and go get that necklace honeyyy] Amber: [we're immediately putting that on even though it doesn't go with this outfit] Cosmo: [nodding our approval 'cos not risking saying anything rn] Amber: ['it's not a good luck charm, right?' like I'm not getting blamed if you lose again] Cosmo: [shakes his head 'if you start doing that kind of thing, can get a bit OCD, like'] Amber: [playing with this necklace casually 'maybe it will be for me' cos we're happy now that he's being nice] Cosmo: ['what do you need luck for?' actual question not being rude lol] Amber: ['next time you take me clubbing' we got bants] Cosmo: [just like alright, alright 'it was me who ended up having a shit night anyway'] Amber: [doing the hand squeeze apology back to him] Cosmo: [pulling away, not too dramatically 'cos not an ew moment, but clearly not her fault so like nah girl] Amber: [getting up to wash up because even though they've 100% got a dishwasher she wouldn't have ever lived anywhere that does cos hippie life so it wouldn't occur to her honestly] Cosmo: [finding a tea towel like I'll dry] Amber: [how coupley of you, love that, just grooving while we do this because of course] Cosmo: [gonna lowkey check you out 'you didn't do enough dancing...we'll have to go again, actually'] Amber: [just giving a horrified look like they're no such thing as enough dancing thank you but then loling 'we could do a friday night instead, if that works better for you'] Cosmo: ['alright' then pausing 'probably not for a while' 'cos we have all this extra training to do and people to appease so we gon' be busy] Amber: ['okay' genuine because she will wait and that's the tea, then I'm gonna take the bathtub moment from the OG convo we did because #mood and it actually works better now cos she does need to bathe lol so I'm saying she goes upstairs, making herself at home again obvs and calls 'bring me tea' over her shoulder as she goes like the queen she is] Cosmo: [it does work better and is needed so go ahead, though he is truly confused where she is going and why but like okay, pop off at this point] Amber: [excuse us Indie because you're assumedly still here lol] Cosmo: how do you take your tea Cosmo: we don't have green Amber: I don't like green tea, don't worry Amber: but I still take black tea that way, no milk Amber: what colour is your sugar? Cosmo: I think we might have some 🤎 in the baking shit if it's a dealbreaker Amber: if there is, I'll have some but it's not Amber: we run out of everything at home Cosmo: I'll be amazed if we have any left but 🤞🙏 Amber: at least you have hot water Cosmo: that's what you're doing Amber: 🛀🏽🧜🏽 Cosmo: don't get in yet Amber: why? Cosmo: your tea will get cold Amber: you're supposed to bring it to me, boy Cosmo: how am I meant to Cosmo: leave it at the door? Cosmo: close my eyes? Amber: I won't be able to reach it if you leave it there, and you don't need to be embarrassed Cosmo: I'm not embarrassed Amber: fine, neither of us will get accidentally scolded by hot tea that you're carrying around with your eyes closed then Cosmo: not clumsy, for one, do more research nerd Amber: oh, are you carrying it with your feet? I didn't realise, sorry Cosmo: you reckon all my skill is in my feet only? Amber: and your head, if footballers are still allowed to do that? Amber: but you're not a goalkeeper Cosmo: yeah, headers are valid Cosmo: rest assured, I can still get a full mug to you Amber: they are banned for children because the risk of brain damage is valid too, according to my research Amber: chronic traumatic encephalopathy Cosmo: big words Cosmo: all I know is rugby is rougher Cosmo: or I could be a boxer, so Amber: it also happens to boxers, I don't know about rugby players Cosmo: anything where you're getting bashed about the head too much Cosmo: most only do it when necessary but it's some people's 'thing' to assist or score rather than lose it in the scrabble of feet Amber: that makes sense, but we've digressed here away from the debate of how good you are, or aren't, with your hands Cosmo: what you mean is, we've digressed away from you getting your tea in a prompt manner Cosmo: diva Amber: yes and yes Cosmo: 😏 Cosmo: it's brewing Amber: thanks Cosmo: you can take back what you said about my lack of skills later, like Amber: if you have foraging skills for sugar, maybe I will Cosmo: see if you taste the difference Amber: now you're doubting my skills? I guess I deserve that Cosmo: your taste? Cosmo: happened last night tbh Amber: 😠 Cosmo: come on Cosmo: I could've said when we met Cosmo: I was being well nice Amber: if you'd said it when we met I'd have agreed with you Cosmo: I suppose anything's a step up Amber: the sex absolutely was Cosmo: thrilled for you Amber: there's still plenty left for you to make fun of him, and me, about Cosmo: I'd rather not Amber: I'd rather you didn't either but it hasn't stopped you so far Cosmo: just stop talking then Amber: talking to me like that isn't going to provoke me into giving you the silent treatment Cosmo: [just bring this tea up moodily] Amber: [taking it and saying thanks again as if you're just at the kitchen table or whatever instead of naked and chilling in this bath lol] Cosmo: [we are not looking and just shrugging like whatever idc] Amber: [splashing him obvs like stop being rude] Cosmo: [when you can't even be mad like your ma uses this bathroom 'cos clearly not so you're just scowling but not 👀 her] Amber: [just smelling everything that's on the side of this bath because you don't want to use anything that's Dash's] Cosmo: [doing our hair in the mirror as if we need] Amber: ['are you always like this when a girl wants to spend time with you?' do we mean rude or checking yourself out instead of her or both tbh] Cosmo: [big sigh and rubbing our temples 'you wanted a bath'] Amber: ['and you'd also rather I didn't do that?'] Cosmo: ['do you not think this is weird?'] Amber: ['You're making it bizarre now' because genuinely doesn't think it's weird obviously or she wouldn't do it] Cosmo: [scoffs like oh yeah, me] Amber: [splashing him bigger than before] Cosmo: [turning 'round like STOP but then you're just looking at her the most intense] Amber: [obviously looking back like please just say something or do something before we both die lol] Cosmo: [when you shake your head microscopically to say you can't 'cos you wanna so bad obvs] Amber: [when you're not even doing the pout for a pisstake it just happens naturally because likewise, soz for drawing even more attention to those lips like] Cosmo: [the noise you're barely holding back here 'you know we can't'] Amber: ['I know we could' because it would be so easy rn to let this happen and they both know it lbr and I can only imagine how her voice sounds rn, soz again] Cosmo: [shaking your head more vigorously to snap yourself outta it 'cos you must, and throwing a new towel down for her like there you go and making your exit] Amber: [doing such a cinematic and dramatic lay down in the water moment because ffs] Cosmo: [lord knows what you're gonna do with yourself boy] Amber: [she should literally leave right now immediately but we in this bath now so blatantly getting clean first, a lot quicker than she would of but still the idea makes me lol] Cosmo: [lmao, just glad you no doubt have a gym sesh or something now so get that frustration out but lord] Amber: [just gotta awkwardly leave here in that club lewk because we can't ask him for an outfit rn, oh gal] Cosmo: [ah the awks awks awks] Amber: [such fun, this is why I love you two, he cockblocks himself so we don't have to] Cosmo: [truly but also hate it lol] Amber: [we 100% need to give him a WAG girlfriend like remember when Joe had that cringey Blake Lively one back in the day] Cosmo: [oh lord yes] Amber: [I'm trying to think who looks like a WAG so we can give her a face for the lols] Cosmo: [I was thinking a character like Ruby from sex education, she's the only one I can think of rn, but that's a WAG-ish vibe] Amber: [I vibe that and I also have an idea how he could meet her like what if she's to do with the dad's girlfriend like when people are really extra about their goddaughters pretending like they are fam when they're for real not even] Cosmo: [that's a fat mood, just using your godmother to get a mans lowkey lol] Amber: [anyways that's for another convo, you can post this if you like]

[shadow-dracat]

1) Try to see if there are any vegan online communities for your country/region. They might share resources and you can find friends there.

2) Would be good if there are any resources on checking the ingredients/testing or sharing products that someone's checked. The thing is, others often don't understand the nuances of veganism, so you can't trust the word "vegan" on the package. Are they confusing vegan and vegetarian? Veganism and healthy dieting? Do they care about insect products? (mainly carmine, honey and beeswax). Did they really check everything, even small components? (some dyes can be based on gelatin, some ingredients may come from either plants or animals, bacterie may be raised on animal product substances, D3 is often made from lanolin (wool fat/grease)). Sometimes they think that a little bit of animal products in ingredients is no big deal (and I'm not talking about traces) :/

Even certificates aren't always trustworthy. For example, some organisations may still give certificates for cosmetic products sold in my country, but a local vegan organisation's founder reached out to them to confirm how they check testing on animals/animal products... and they said they don't know enough to check that 🥴

Vegan brands make mistakes too, and also you don't always know how thorough they are.

But it depends. If you have a vegan certification organisation that's trustworthy, it's good. Where I am, we have a non-profit organisation that has a website with confirmed vegan products, they're pretty thorough and I trust them. They're only working towards actually being able to certify profucts though.

3) Yeah btw, this applies to restaurants and cafés too :( One time a café here released something with tofu, even advertising it with "here you go, vegans, we made something for you!"... the sesame seed sauce contains some eggs snd dairy, of course...

Usually what you see on menus is just a description and not the full ingredients list

4) However, veganism has levels. It's easy to exclude some obviously non-vegan products like meat, dairy, eggs, honey, leather and wool, but I understand that emailing the manufacturers to ask if their beta-carotins have gelatin as a base or no is much more of a hussle. Especially if you don't have trustworthy vegan certificates or a community that confirms things. Even regular sugar in countries like US or Japan may be made using bone meal. Testing is also hard to check (where I am we sometimes email manufacturers and ask for documents of the tests, but they far from always send them)

Plus, there are things people don't usually try to find out the vegan status on. Are your printer inks vegan? Pens? Pencils? Glue? Paper? That local vegan org did begin checking stationary and even some house building/renovation supplies, but who usually cares about this? Some things might be tested on animals by law, and some of them you can't replace (for example, medicine. Please don't try to exclude/replace actual medicine. You may choose some that don't contain animal products like lactose or gelatin, but only do that if you have options and your doctor approves or smth)

So, accept that we live in a carnist world and that it's almost impossible to not use any products involved in animal exploitation. What you're doing is good, and you should not give up - the more veganism grows, the more vegan stuff there is. Take veganising your life at your own pace, just do your best :3 It is still doing a lot.

5) Speaking of positivity, it's good to realize that veganism is not just restrictions or sadness over animals' treatment. It is also community. The joy when you realize you are trying your best to oppose treating animals like people's belongings or objects. I really felt proud of myself when I switched to making my own detergent (all household chemichal products must be tested on animals where I live :/)

6) Traces/may contain ≠ actual ingredients. You can still avoid foods with them if you want though, just understand the difference between a product that actually contains animal ingredients VS a product that is manufactured near ones.

7) B12 is needed. Supplement it if you don't eat many products fortified with it. I have Natrol strawberry ones, they're tasty and you can take them without water, they dissolve. With taking ~ 1 dose per 1.5 weeks it should last 2-3 years :3

8) Peanut butter jelly sandwiches are my main dessert, they fill that role well

9) You can search for some apps with plant-based recipes. That's how I found lentil burgers that I now make often (it was from EatMorePlants, I think)

10) Find something for the savoury/umami taste. Letting go of cheese may be hard, but know you can get similar feelings with stuff like nutritional yeast, soy sauce or taste enhancing additives. I often make Caesar, and honestly, garlic + vegan mayo fills the sauce role pretty well and even reminds me a little of cheese (I also add tumeric and curry spices mix)

11) Don't be too harsh with yourself if you find out you've been using sonething non-vegan you could've avoided. We make mistakes sometimes, and that's ok

12) There are some vegans you can follow here (like @vegance, @oediex or @acti-veg (I've seen you've been recommended that blog alredy), there are also sometimes lists of people to follow). But also anti-vegan views on tumblr are quite popular 😔

13) btw there's also a discord server, I'll maybe search for the invitation post after this

14) feel free to dm/ask me any questions, if you want :3

15) thank you for showing interest 💚

Think I’m finally going to go up another level of lesbianism and try to commit to being vegan. Any tips and tricks are welcome 🙏🏽

[deliciousanarchist]

Don't talk foody to me!

About diet talk and body positivity

This text started as an attempt to write about why I don’t like people commenting on (my) food when eating in public. While writing I realised I had to share more of my personal life and where I’m coming from, so it is more understandable why I’m having such a hard time with diet talk. In the end, this became a blog about diets, intuitive eating, self-care, and about respecting our own bodies and the bodies of others.

Society is pretty hung up on perfect bodies and, thus, food – those two seem to hang closely together. “We are what we eat”, right? Sounds legit. Or does it rather cut something very complex down to a simplifying and, well, blatantly incorrect sentence?

First of all, what we eat depends on so many things – like on the place we grow up, in what country we are born, and in what social part or class of society we were raised in. Also, when we look closely, stuff like what gender we are assigned with could be seen to make us choose different food. A lot of people believe that a “real man” needs to eat meat, or that women should generally eat less than men do. So “you are what you eat” strongly ignores social inequalities and, even worse, it judges you on things you did not decide by yourself.

It also sounds like a religion or a fatal cult. By this logic we are the sum of the food we eat. If we do “good” we get rewarded, if we do “bad” we will be punished. And if we get sick and some doctor tracks that back to our lifestyle (like to what we eat), then we supposedly brought it all on ourselves because we should have known better. We knew the rules of “health”, right? So if we have a heart attack, it’s because we ate too much fatty food. If we get diabetes, we ate too much sugar or simple carbohydrates. If we get an auto-immune disease, we exposed ourselves to too much to the “wrong” food like gluten, milk, or red meat. In all cases we definitely omitted to exercise enough, too, I’m sure.

And in the final consequence, if we brought our ‘unhealthy’ bodies on ourselves, then why should anyone, doctor or health insurance, help us and treat our disease? We made our bed, now we must lie in it, right?

A new diet theory every year

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that our food and lifestyle does not have any impact on the condition of our bodies, but I’m sure that we get the cause wrong most of the time. The human body is so complex. Who are we do think that we figured it all out? Watching some new food being demonized every other year should have proven this to us by now, shouldn’t it?

We are exposed to so much information about diets and nutrition in the course of our lives: Don’t eat wheat. Oh wait, but you can eat older wheat like dinkle. Drinking milk will kill you. But milk is so healthy, because calcium, you should drink milk every day. Butter is better than margarine. No, margarine is better. Or are both equally bad for you but for different reasons? Fat is bad for you no matter what. No wait, some fats are actually good and we need them for our body to process other food groups. Vegetables are always good for you. Unless it’s corn. And watch out for canned foods because of all the salt and sugar in it, but frozen vegetables are fresh and untreated. Fruits are healthy. In general we should eat vegetables and fruits 5 times a day. Oh no wait, fruit has sugar in it, so it’s not good after all. But oh, vitamins. That’s a twist, I guess. Red meat is bad, white meat is good. Or is meat always bad and should we replace it with fish? Let’s all go vegan to save the planet! (At this point I’m not going into the debate on if we Middle/Northern Europeans should or shouldn’t eat stuff like avocados or quinoa, and how fish is tricky anyway because of overfishing. Food production in capitalism in general, oh my.)

If you speak/read German, I highly recommend the book “Fa(t)shionista” by Magda Albrecht from 2018. She shares a lot of personal stories about the relationship to her body but also scientific info like the history of BMI or where the diseases (and “diseases”) of modern society more likely come from. Did you know that the BMI was never meant for categorizing individuals? And that in 1997 the WHO just set a new BMI for ‘obesety’ which made millions of people become overweight overnight? Also Magda writes: “[A]uch bei Bluthochdruck, Blutzucker oder dem Cholesterinspiegel [hat] die Lobbyarbeit der Pharmaindustrie dafür gesorgt [...], dass Grenzwerte so lange gesenkt wurden, bis die Mehrzahl der Bevölkerung in mindestens eine der zahlreichen Risikofaktoren fielen: Alles für die Gesundheit, natürlich! Oder vielleicht auch nur für die Geldbeutel großer Unternehmen?” (p. 157 // in english: “It’s the same with blood pressure, blood sugar or cholesterol. The drug industry kept declining the setpoint values for those too, so now most of our society suffers from at least one of those risk factors. All for the sake of health, of course! Or is it for the sake of the wallets of large companies?”)

Life is all about diversity

When I was 17 I stopped eating meat, and I was  immediately told from a lot of different people whose opinions I never asked for that becoming a vegetarian is really unhealthy. (Of course now, in 2019, that viewpoint has shifted from vegetarians to vegans, so…)

Whenever my iron was low my doctors told me it was probably from being a vegetarian. Or from having my period. Or if they had been honest with me and themselves – they had no idea. Sometimes blood levels change, and who is to say that everybody has the same range of components in their blood? For example, my leukocytes are so low all the time that I would constantly be sick from colds and other infections. Surprisingly, I hardly ever have those. I do have other issues though. We’re all different, and our bodies react differently to medications, food, and different lifestyles. It’s a little like hormones. If you use hormone levels to prove that there are only two genders you won’t get very far. Like using blood components to divide people into healthy and unhealthy. Let’s give biology some credit and see how diverse we are on so many levels, shall we?

All my life I have been interested in food theories and diets. At some point in my life I even wanted to become a nutritionist, but then got scared of chemistry and all the science behind it. But I also had a dark interest in diets, too. Being a teenager I had a phase of body hate that resulted in an eating disorder that resulted in drastically cutting down my food until I lost more and more weight. I soon looked very thin and according to a lot of people in my life, “really great”. The doctors who had suggested I “lose a few pounds” were happy too. Myself? I felt like crap. And even after all that weight loss, I didn’t even see my body as thin, so disconnected was I to body image and the reality of it. Looking back on those pictures today, I feel fear – I can’t even recognise myself in them, I look so gaunt.

Good bye, diet mentality

However, I learned something from that experience: Being thin doesn’t automatically make me happy. And realizing that back then I felt betrayed by science. It should have worked, right? Lose weight, feel great!? I guess not.

I wish I could say that this made me come to peace with my body for good, but it didn’t. Later in life I still tried to change my body and/or weight by regulating my diet and using sports, very often against the will of my body. Yet I was never one of the people who did an official diet, I never used concepts like the “Ornish Diet”, “The Grapefruit Diet” or the new “Brigittte Diät”. But at some point in life I realized I became an “unconscious dieter”. This is a term I found a few years ago in a book called “Intuitive Eating” (Tribole/Resch 1995/2012: 9) and resonated. For example, at times I felt like I should cut back on chocolate or processed food only because I felt like I should strive for a more healthy lifestyle and a healthier body (whatever that’s supposed to be). I never would have called this “being on a diet”, but in fact I was: I acted on internalised food rules, was not listening to my body, and was very judgemental about my eating behaviour (in the privacy of my thoughts) while dividing food into good and bad.

Every time I changed the food on my table I got disappointed again to find that my body did not react the way I expected it to. For weeks I rationalised my chocolate consumption, but it only lead to me being unsatisfied because I wanted more chocolate or I wanted it at a time I wouldn’t allow myself. Sometimes I did not want it at all when scheduled but ate it anyway because I felt like I should not let the opportunity for chocolate pass me by.

Giving your body what it doesn’t want and withholding your body from what it needs can’t ever be healthy. In other words, quoting Tribole/Resch: “A dieting body is a starving body” (Tribole/Resch 1995/2012: 59).

Listen to your heart... or your body in general

Later in life I stopped consuming cow’s milk and everything that is made from it on the advice of various therapies. It’s common if you have an immune-disease like I have, to look for clues in your diet, too. Meanwhile I started avoiding eggs and coconut milk, because they didn’t leave me feeling well. But, occasionally, I get the feeling I want to eat them and, when I listen to my body, that impulse is right and I don’t feel sick afterwards. Body intuition for the win.

Realising that I actually have a good sense of what food is good for me and what isn’t, the whole diet problem began to make more sense. I was trying to press my food schedule into the desires or the nutrition that other people came up with. This would never have worked. Actually, I think we all have that sense of what is good for us, but it’s covered with all the public opinions on diets and the “perfect” body.

When I really allow myself to listen to my body, most of the time I can feel what it needs and what it doesn’t. Nothing is off limits.

If only it was that easy. Because by listening to my body, I have to ward of constant urges society has given me to divide my food into “good food” and “bad food”. I have to push aside the illusion that a thin body would make me happy. I have to push aside all the body shaming I have internalised. The thought that our body is something to be hated or be feared and that it has to be punished if we are too weak to stay on our fancy paleo or whatever diet.

In the end, it’s all about self-respect, body-positivity, and about acknowledging that our body is not a machine. Our body is a complex system and no one else but us can say what it needs.

You eat tomatoes, I want potatoes

Listening to my body is getting me different results every day. Some essential things stay kind of the same though. Like, my body has almost zero problems with carbohydrates, and I love eating potatoes in any form imaginable. Gluten and yeast are fine with me, bread making an appearance in my meals every day.  Occasionally I like things made of soy/tofu, but they’re not my go to protein. I love legumes and vegetables of all kinds, but I only like to eat (raw) fruits on rare occasions. Green salad and raw food in general is tricky, and mostly repulsive. Yet from time to time I crave a green salad with a simple vinegar-honey dressing. Especially in public spaces, vegan food works best for me because then I can be sure there is no meat and no cow milk in there. Also I just love vegan food.

But that’s just how my body works right now. I believe for everybody there’s different food that works best. Let’s not act like there is one diet that works on all of us. Also our body and the food we need changes over time. And I guess in theory we all know that, but our routines are still hard to change.

The other day I read a tagline online saying, “Being obsessed with health doesn’t make you healthy. It only makes you obsessed”. And had to take a minute at the truth behind it. Especially as we can’t say what makes us healthy anyway. But we can say if something makes us feel good or not. Eating according to my intuition is the thing that has made most sense to me up to now, compared to all other diets and nutrition theories. Being happy while eating and the simple feeling that my body is having a good time is more important than eating what society thinks is right.

My struggle with intuition

I have to admit there is still one thing I have not figured out yet, and it’s something that’s overshadowed by my eating disorder from my teenage years that sometimes catches up with me: How many meals a day work best with me? So far I think it’s not three big meals, but more meals of different sizes. And eating at what time of the day works best for me? I try to listen to my body and eat when it feels right. Whereas, I can get a good feeling what I want to eat, I’m not that good in knowing when to eat. And having experienced an eating disorder, I know I can very well suppress the feeling of hunger, sometimes unconsciously. I have a lot of awful strategies to trick my body. There is a part of me that likes to punish my body by keeping it from eating. So this is really tricky and I’m still working on it.

And of course there is a major problem for all of us: our other-directed daily routines. Eating intuitively would work way better if only we could decide what and when to eat everyday. But with having to work to make money to pay for rent and – oh right, food (ha) and everything else, a lot of my meals are not all decided by myself. I can’t arrive to work at any given time, so I often have breakfast earlier than I’d like to. Then my day is filled with projects and meetings and private dates, so I have to plan my meals around them.

Not only that, too much stress makes it hard for me to hear what my body needs. I love chocolate (in case I haven’t mentioned this before ;)), but when I am too stressed out by work I eat chocolate for stress release. This is not bad in general. But after a while of this happening again and again I don’t even enjoy eating the chocolate. So next time I want to eat chocolate, instead I try questioning that decision and try to listen to my body: Is this really what would make me feel good now? And sometimes it is and I eat chocolate. Sometimes it’s not, and then I try to figure out what I want instead and what would really make me feel better. I do like things such as sugar, beer, and even smoking a cigarette from time to time. But I do not like it when I stop enjoying these things and only use them because I am stressed or sad or angry. Sure, I sometimes have a beer after a shitty day and that’s okay, but I would hate to make a habit out of that. Both the shitty days and the beers.

So I guess my theories don’t always work perfectly yet. It’s a work in progress.

Relearning the rules

In the last couple of years I had to relearn a lot of opinions and reflexes I was taught about eating when being young. And I’m still (un)learning, like: There is no good food/bad food. I don’t have to finish my plate if I am not hungry anymore. It’s okay to eat something else instead too. I don’t have to eat lots of fruits and vegetables every day if the thought of eating it makes me sick. I don’t have to stick to a fix count of meals a day. I don’t have to eat the same amount of food every day. And so on.

One more thing I try to learn is not to explain why I eat or won’t eat something right now. I used to say stuff like “I’m not hungry”, “I already ate so much today” or “Nothing for me, I had a late breakfast” or “It’s too late in the evening for me to be eating now” or thinking “I already had fries for lunch, I can’t have fries for dinner again”. Nope. No explanations, no regrets, no diet talk, no body shaming anymore. Three carbs-only-meals in a row because it feels right? I’ll do it. Eating dinner at 11pm because my body longs for food right now? Sure. If I’m not ravenous, but still feel my body would love something to eat? I’m having it.

Sharing’s not always caring

Something I don’t enjoy a lot for many different reasons is eating in public. I’m easily stressed by social situations in general but especially when it comes to sharing a meal, so I don’t often eat together with other people.

The other reason for that is that I hate it when people comment on my food. Or the food of others. Or their own food. And I don’t mean comments like “Wow, that looks so good!” or “I think I will order that myself”, I would love those comments. No, the comments I hear and hate a lot are comments that appear harmless, but really mess with my head. Like when I order and the person next to me says “Wow that’s quite a big portion!” or “Oooh, that looks like pure sugar” or “That would be impossible for me to eat.”

It’s tricky even if people make that comments about their own food. When someone eats half of the food on their plate and then says, “This was so much, now I’m going to be full for the rest of the day.” How will that make the person feel that sits next to them that ate all the food on the plate and is still hungry? Especially when that person commenting is thinner than the other one? 

Sorry, but in a world that condemns sugar (or even all carbs) and divides good and bad food and wants us to eat less food in general, those comments can’t ever be neutral observations or harmless notes.

Keeping your diet talk to yourself

“I get through the day easily without eating much at all.” “Eating a lot of fast food makes me feel toxic.” “Gluten is pure poison for my body.” “Since I’m doing [insert new diet] I feel like a human again.” “I can’t eat anything right now, I had a generous lunch.” “I could never function when eating toast with Nutella for breakfast.” “I’ll burn off the calories in the gym later.” “Alright, today is my ‘cheat day’.”

All of these comments are steeped in society's expectations.

I totally get that these are things people say about themselves in that moment, and if I’d only see them as self-revelation it guess it would be fine in a way. But that’s not how communication works, especially not with topics that are so morally pre-shaped like diets, food, and bodies. On good days, I can brush these words off, but on bad days I fall into despair: Why don’t I want to eat salad more? Why do I have to like chocolate so much? Maybe gluten is poison for me too, but I just don’t know it yet? My lunch was also generous, but I’m hungry again. What’s wrong with me? Why didn’t I get through today without much food? (This is an especially hard sentence for me as it cuts right into my eating disorder whispering that I could too, and all I have to do is… yeah, let’s not go there.)

Sometimes I wish I could just share meals without anyone making comments on the food beyond if they like it or not – their eating habits, and their or my body, all disguised as small talk. I think we should all be more careful how we talk about food because it’s a minefield full of stereotypes, preoccupations, shame, and it mostly comes with our personal past full of hurtful experiences with diet talk. So let’s think about how what we say can make other people feel like, and maybe let’s remember that most of us carry trauma from the topics of diet and food in one or another way.

~Sam Chills, 2019

[bravagente]

hello dear mod, thank you for everything you do. i have a question i apologise if it's heavier than the tone on this blog. recently a popular italian blogger said that race in italy is racist&was a product of il ventennio. i am french&i understand that we in europe don't like to say the word 'race', but i just want to understand how the construct of racism in italy, especially with all the far right/macerata from an italian persepective. I did read amara lakhous. thanks for everything you do!

Hi! Sorry for the late answer, it’s just such a complex matter to talk about and I’m not entirely sure I have the right perspective to handle it properly both as a white woman and as someone who lives in a city where that’s still relatively not diverse. Plus I study languages so I’m not really in the area - I basically really wanted to do right by this and I hope I will.

Disclaimer: it is true that in Italy the very concept of race, at least the way we know and use it in English is racist and a product of the ventennio. Whichever its etimology and original denotation, the word race (razza) has been very clearly connotated since Fascism: if you say men have razze, you’re implying some men have a pure, superior razza and some don’t. Nowadays in Italian dogs and horses have razze, not people. So, usually, if someone uses ‘race’ in italian as opposed to, say, ethnicity (etnia, colore), you’ll be quite sure they’re racist. It’s not that just because people don’t use the word they can’t be racist, but it does say something about how hard it is for us to cope with the American concept of race and the discourse that follows. The paradox is Americans are rightly very sensitive and careful about what they call race, when from our pov they’re just seeing it all from an inherently racist perspective: there are whites and then there are “people of colour”, all of them. Basically, a white race and then all those other races. Again, all of them. We can’t quite wrap our head around it, especially since we don’t really have a concept of, say, “brown” people. Come over in August, we’ll all be brown. We like a tan. It’s just beyond us.

Moving on to racism. It is possibly the most divisive thing in Italy right now and any conversation about it will escalate quickly because a) no one ever admits to being racist b) not everyone necessarily knows they are, if they are. Like everywhere else, it’s not always glaring. It’s not always a “racist slurs” kind of thing. There are subtle forms of it even here and not just in the alt right: I believe many liberals are actually as racist as one gets, they just don’t show because they never deal with people of colour in the first place. I once interviewed an otherwise pretty decent man who told me immigrants today don’t actually come here willing to work and therefore should be sent back home, another one praised a city he visited because he saw no blacks selling stuff there. I think it speaks volumes on how complex this thing is getting: you can deal with assholes who are 100% assholes. You can ignore them and decide they’re not worth your time and energy. But when they’re half-decent it’s just disheartening and makes you wonder where we’re going. Another reason conversations about racism often won’t end well is they slip into politics and fascism is far from over. Even though more-or-less openly fascist parties didn’t do well at the latest elections, the winners (League and the Five Stars) are firmly anti-immigration, making it about law and order as any Trump of the world would.

Having said this, race as we discussed it might be rooted in Fascism, but is the same true for racism? It is and it isn’t. There’s evidence that sub-saharian Africans were of always discriminated against. We had our own slave markets we don’t learn much of in schools, and while it’d buy and sell people of any race black Africans were definitely amongst them. There’s recently been a lot of discourse about how (in)accurate Still Star-Crossed was, with someone arguing that Alessandro de’ Medici was just an example of a class of black nobles. I’m afraid that’s not true. If I’m referencing to this particular period of time it’s because Renaissance is a personal interest of mine: The Ugly Renaissance will offer information about racism against dark-skinned Africans in 15th-16th century Italy. While light skinned Africans were considered as white as any European, sub-Saharans were thought to be strong and valuable workers, but also “uncivilized simpletons who could never hope to occupy a position of parity with the white majority”. That was a long time ago, sure, but it was bound to remain embedded in people’s mindset. And it did in ways we’d think were behind us by now.

Now, subtle forms of racism aside, there are many racists of the in-your-face, insulting type, more and worse than I ever thought possible growing up. They’ve actually probably always been there, it’s just now they have the Internet so they feel somehow validated and it’s made them unashamed to be openly hateful and ignorant with the support of the right.

However I have to stress that there many, many many more, non-racists. When fascists parade in our streets, anti fascist marches will follow. There’s always a firm reaction, it’s just decency doesn’t make any noise and rarely makes it to the headlines. Anyway I’ll give a few pieces of news  encapsulating the two souls of Italy:  

Refugee drowns in Venice as people film on their phones and do nothing

Teenager saves black child from getting hit by a train in Milan

Mein Kumpf-owning man shoots black immigrants on sight

Italians protest against racism

Refugee killed in Fermo after defending his wife from slurs

1500 in march to commemorate him

Black man shot to death in Florence

Italians join black people in march to commemorate him

So there’s the bright side I guess, we are genuinely engaged and young people who actually read books know we’re a country with very diverse genes, owing much of our language and culture and even food to “others”. This matters deeply to me because I think othering is the root of most, if not all, issues in our societies. This is a cultural problem first and foremost and I actually believe that. We often speak of inclusiveness or tolerance, but these are all patronizing concepts to me. Who the hell do I think I am to include or “tolerate” someone? No, I have to know in my heart of hearts that “others” aren’t to fear.

Anyway, racism is definitely an issue that exists and that’s getting worse. I’ve personally come to conclude racist behaviours in Italy are caused  and fueled by three broader factors that often inform one another.

Ideology is the most glaring: most racists are unapologetic fascists and racism is mounting and growing together with a wave of nostalgia for Mussolini’s party. A lot of fascists obviously never lived under the Duce in the first place, but they have a misguided perception of the ventennio as a time of justice and order where trains would run in time and so on. Something you’ll hear from time to time is that the duce “ha fatto anche cose buone” (also did good things). To these people, the presence of black people or muslims goes hand-in-hand with crimes and chaos: they’ll rape women! They steal and murder! They’re drug dealers! The fact that these things are sometimes true because eventually a rapist or killer or drug dealer will statistically have to be black is irrelevant: if caught off guard they’ll admit to believing every racist stereotype out there.

Xenophobia is more nuanced. The reason I don’t necessarily associate xenophobia with racism is that, until just a few years ago, the most feared foreigners in Italy were the very white Romanians and even Albanians before them. The media are also to blame for the way headlines were worded and they still tend to, often unwillingly, magnify the one crime someone black commits as opposed to those commited by Italians. The Macerata episode was most probably “inspired” by the killing of a young girl cut into pieces by at least one Nigerian immigrant. What do you now, since the news spread every Nigerian person has become a public enemy. Another huge media-related problem is they’ve created an unjustified alarm on the refugee emergency, treating it as if more people than in the past were arriving in our country (they weren’t) and as if the situation was completely out of control (it isn’t, although it’s not easy either). Crime is just one thing, though: people are afraid because our times are scary and dangerous, there are no jobs and the welfare is dying. They are hoping the government will help them and fearing that we’re too many for it to be sustainable. There’s a common misconception for which every immigrant in Italy is being hosted in a hotel and given 30 euros per day while unemployed Italians don’t have any money to buy food: while you can argue that the immigrant will only get 3 of those 30 euros, Italians still live this as if those resources are being spent on foreigners as opposed to themselves because scapegoating is a human, if wrong, thing. Clearly this is turning into a war of the underprivilegeds that will only result in diffidence and hatred, and the staggering misinformation about black people being all but enslaved in some areas of out country isn’t helping.

Conservativism, finally, is a branch of ideology but it’s not necessarily related to actual racism (though it can be). There are some who are entirely cool with people of other ethnicities as long as they “don’t bother” them. They’re too culturally lazy to accept anything different than what they knew as children, they fear Christmas will be cancelled and they don’t want, say, mosques, because they hardly know what they even are. They’re usually the same people who are annoyed by vegans: probably harmless, but they certainly don’t help.

Again I hope this helps. I really tried to be clear and truthful and not offend anybody.