#var can be a bitch

[navramanan]

that's just mental

[antiquepearlss]

Why Eugene never has sleepovers with Varian anymore:

Varian at 10 pm: won’t let Eugene sleep because he has to finish this blueprint and no Eugene he’s not going to do it in his lab he already brought it here also he has to write a list of formulas he’s trying tomorrow also did you see Lance’s new hat it’s so ugly right?

Varian at 12 am: keeping Eugene awake by “reading too loudly”

Varian at 1 am: sleep kicking Eugene in the ribs. Sleep talking about Pythagorean Theorems.

Varian at 2 am: “Eugene omg wake up I just had an idea on a machine that can fold socks more effectively”

Varian at 3 am: getting a post-midnight snack consisting of seven apples, a meatloaf sandwich, and a pint of ice cream

Varian at 4 am: “I just had the weirdest dream about Ruddiger becoming king of Spain after a chicken nugget eating contest”

Varian at 5 am: somehow stole all the blankets and pillows. Bit Eugene for trying to take them back. He’s sleep cranky.

Varian at 6 am: sleep talking about apple juice being a superior beverage to wine

Varian at 7 am: Dead because Eugene smothered him with a pillow

[fingertipsmp3]

So currently my problem is that I don't know how to do my homework so I end up copying the code of people who did it correctly. But then I'm like "are my instructors going to notice and be mad" so I fuck up the code a bit so that it's less obvious. And then it breaks

[mamashenanigans]

Y&Y Worldbuilding—The Wilk

Y&Y is my original work that I’ve been working on for decades. Yes, you read that right: decades. It’s finally at a place where I know I can make the story bible(which has been started) and start on scripts. I’d love to hear from any of you concerning this!

These are some worldbuilding points for The Wilk, a race of beings more central to the story than some others.

Basic background of the story to understand the rest

Y&Y is a low-fantasy story that takes place in an alternate reality of Earth. In this world, there are beings called Q’dai: powerful, sentient monsters that are “forced” into a human form when they enter the Blessed Realm, our Universe. These beings range in power and size, but are often relatable to myths and legends from human cultures.

The story revolves around the re-emergence of a powerful God called Yogg, the God of Death. The unwilling, powerful protagonist, Ember, is tasked with finding the Guardians, souls imbued by the good deity, Yggdrah’s, power in the hope that bringing them together will call the absent Yggdrah back to fight off Yogg.

The story deals with Ember’s reconciliation with her mission and her wants, culminating in grand reveals that explore mental illness, destiny, parent-children relationships, past versus present, and the blurring of lines between heroes and villains.

-This is a low-fantasy story. This means that it takes place in a world similar to ours but with fantastical elements.

-Two gods are central to the story and is where the work gets its name. They are Yggdrah, the Life God, and Yogg, the Death God. Right after they came into existence, the rest of reality took form.

-Monstrous beings called Q’dai exist on our world and outside of it. They come in various sizes, strengths, and powers. Many resemble legendary and mythical monsters in human history.

-Q’dai are forced by a strange power to take on human forms, referred to as Masks, when on our world.

-Outside of our world, their’s are called Realms and each Realm is inhabited by Q’dai that match its Nature, which are types of power. I.e. fire, water, mind(psychic), and etc.

-The oldest known Q’dai are called Ancients. Each Ancient represents a type of Nature and they are singular beings incapable of reproduction.

-The Ancients, then the other Q’dai, were the first sentient creations of the Life God, Yggdrah. Before her disappearance, she created The Blessed Realm, our universe.

-The terrible event that led to Yggdrah’s disappearance is called The Calamity. It was when Yogg broke through the Veil between the Kingdoms of Life and Death to attack Yggdrah for an unknown reason. In his path of destruction, he devoured multiple Ancients with only the few that took shelter at Yggdrah’s citadel surviving.

Okay, that should be good enough to understand the rest. I’ll insert a Read More as this is pretty long.

The Wilk

Q’dai Species Information

The Wilk are a species of Mind Nature Q’dai. They are the first species to be introduced in Y&Y and important to the overall story.

Species: Wilk

Nature: Mind

Family: Canid Q’Dai

Genus: Dire Wolf

Realm: Psyche

Ancient: Var

The Wilk are one of the youngest species of Q’dai that showed up not long after the creation of the Mind Nature and Psyche Realm. Their Realm is smaller than most, only comprised of a handful of inhabited planets, resulting in a small pool of Mind Nature Q’dai.

Their species are psychic dire wolves and closely resemble their honored Ancient, Var. They are incredibly adept at using their Mind based powers which allows them to use objects otherwise too difficult to master with their paws. This includes writing implements, architecture, food preparation, and other society improving skills. This has allowed the Wilk to keep detailed notes concerning their history dating back to the creation of their Realm.

The Wilk are a matriarchal society with their Head Bitch having final say on most of their society’s decisions as well as approval of hunts. Packs are important to the Wilk and there are four Skill Packs in total, each representing a different Mind Nature discipline an individual Wilk can concentrate on, but typically already born into. These are Shield, Brawl, Ranged, and Direct. Only a Wilk that has mastered all of the Mind Nature Skills is crowned the Main Pack Leader. The Main Pack comprises the entire species and this Wilk has the power to delegate the other Packs. Smaller Hunting Packs can be approved by the Main Pack Leader after communing with the Head Bitch. Hunting Packs can have a total of 7 Wilk: that pack’s leader and any combination of Skilled Wilk.

The Mind Nature Skills are:

Shield: able to project psychic shields and quickly suture injuries.

Brawl: use their mind power to strengthen them physically for close combat.

Ranged: can use their mind power to attack from afar and see farther into the battlefield.

Direct: can directly affect the enemy’s physical form and mind with their power. The skill also makes the user capable of teleportation and opening temporary psychic links to other areas.

Each Skill Pack has their own Pack Leader that represents them when meeting with the Main Pack Leader and Head Bitch in the Council. The Wilk inhabit 4 regions on their planet, each region composed of a Skill Pack. The main region, which houses the Head Bitch, trade hubs, and delegations, is the Shield Pack.

The Wilk may be capable of further technological advancements with the use of their Mind powers, but instead prefer to live humble lives honoring their Ancient, Var.

Their culture upholds honor and protection of both their Packs and other Q’dai. This has also extended to the Blessed Realm, where humans reside. They have been known to send Masked Hunt Packs to the Blessed Realm when other species of Q’dai have tried to take control over various human cultures throughout mankind’s existence.

Their almost zealot-like belief in Var and his heroic sacrifice during the Calamity, keeps them from using their incredible powers for conquering and controlling other Q’dai. They also acknowledge the importance of all other Ancients, but see Var as the most powerful and greatest of them all. Due to their written history, the Wilk know the Tongue of the Ancients and often sing songs to embolden their packs before a hunt and during to give glory to Var. (Songs by Heilung closely resemble what the Wilk’s songs sound like.)

Most Q’dai institutions acknowledge the Wilk's devastating power as the Mind Nature is considered one of the most powerful and dangerous of all the Q’dai Natures. Some theorize that, if it wasn’t for their obsession with emulating Var, they could conquer most of the Q’dai Realms by themselves.

A Mind attack only the most powerful Wilk can wield was made illegal to use by the Federation of Realms and the Safety for Realms Organization. This is due to its terrifying ability to enter the mind of a combatant and fighting them in their thoughts which results in physical damage. Most victims of this power do not realize that they are no longer fighting physically until it is too late. Only the Wilk have been known to use this attack and it is most often only capable of being wielded by the Main Pack Leader.

Interesting notes about the Wilk: every Wilk’s fur is some variation of purple/pink and all Wilk names contain 3 letters in honor of Var.

The two most prominent Wilk characters are Psy and Tas. Psy is the deuteragonist of Y&Y and Tas is his Uncle.

I have info for both Tas and Psy typed up if anyone is interested in learning more about these two Wilk.

[pockcock]

Dedicate songs to your mutuals, let them know what you think of them.✨

OKAY!!! HERE WE GOOOOOOOOOOOO

@maries-gallery Ludovico Einaudi - Experience (soft, powerful and emotional. She's everything to me <3) and an honorable mention: Doja Cat&Starboi3 - DICK (you know why)

@ivystoryweaver Runaways - Cherry Bomb (Idk why but you're giving me energetic and fun vibes!!)

@doubletalkingmaeve Metallica - Ain't My Bitch (This could be your theme song for real)

@xbellaxcarolinax Hozier - Dinner & Diatribes (just elegant and sweet <3 you're awesome)

@satans-helper Şebnem Ferah - Can Kırıkları (this is a verrry powerful song, I feel like it suits you so much)

@itsmyyear86 Black Sabbath - Paranoid (I associate you with Eddie and I feel like you and Eddie would just scream sing to this song everyday)

@0tivez Athena - Arsız Gönül (nedense bu şarkı sana çok uyuyor gibi geldi, seviyorum seni <3)

@yaggmur Cem Karaca - Islak Islak (MFÖ vibe'ın da var ama sana Cem Karaca veriyorum)

@poursomesunaonme Alizade - Şu An (THE VIBES!!! IT'S ALL ABOUT THE VIBEESSSS!!!!!)

@honey-tsuki Zaz - La vie en rose (soft baby deserves a soft song hehe)

@saphhonic Hozier - Like Real People Do (please give sybil, I MAY HAVE BUTCHERED THE SPELLING, a kiss baby <3)

@fittsythesnail Cupcakke - CPR (peebis destroyer <3)

@doulyeah Marc Lavoine - Elle a les yeux revolver (MY FRENCH BABY <3

pLEASE I'M SORRY IF I MISSED YOU 😭😭😭😭

[dailyreddevils]

FT

Football is a stupid sport. Arsenal can kiss my ass and VAR is a hateful little bitch.

At least it is now the international break and I don't have to think about these clowns for a lovely lovely week

[player1064]

That "Who you smiling at? HIM." video is just the "me and the bad bitch i pulled by being autistic" meme

oh gary 😂

LITERALLYYYYYYY also this is Not the first time he's zoned out bc he got distracted by a noise in the stands he literally did it during the forest var discussion too 😭😭

anyway (jamie voice) autism be damned my boy can kick a ball

[queerian]

time for another comfort re-read of the Imperial Radch books

starting with Ancillary Justice!

(also because after reading the Translation State ARC I have THINGS I must revisit and THINK about)

the more I read (rather, listen to, because I have the audiobooks until I can obtain a pretty box set of the series) Ann Leckie's books, the more I delight in how she writes abrasive characters who are also liked and loved.

You don’t have to be good and pleasant to be loved You don't have to fawn to be loved You can be stubborn and sulky and selfish and bitter and unhappy and still be loved You can be messed up and still be loved You can be someone that is barely considered a person and still be loved

also god. every time i get to the part where Awn goes to Var deck my heart clenches. that anaander has such "mad king" vibes, she straddles the line between unhinged and probably very close to correct so intensely!!!

i keep thinking about gender inside and outside the radch and this description breq gives of the crowds of people she sees on omaugh station, chefs kiss!!

"An eddying crowd of unnervingly, ambiguously gendered people. I saw all the features that would mark gender for non-radchaai. never, to my annoyance and inconvenience, the same way in each place. short hair or long, worn unbound, trailing down a back, or thick curled nimbus, or bound, braided, pinned, tied. thick bodied, or thin. faces delicate featured or coarse, with cosmetics or none. a profusion of colors that would have been gender-marked in other places. all of this matched randomly with bodies curving at breast and hip, or not. bodies that one moment moved in ways various non-radchaai would call feminine, the next moment, masculine."

also the slow reveal of how seivarden actually cares about breq beyond just ensuring the provider of seivarden’s basic needs won’t suddenly drop her.... like she comes back from her appointment having been set up with clothes, food, and lodging, and immediately notices that breq looks uncomfortable in her meeting with skaaiat and bitches breq out for neglecting her own needs and insisting she’ll be fine [on her own now that she’s registered with the station], she'll see breq tomorrow (willingly! Not out of need anymore!) and breq should rest her injured leg!!!! seivarden.... best worst girl!!! "you don't have to take care of me now, see, please look after yourself!!" (and soon we'll start seeing seivarden more and more forcefully trying to take care of breq!!!)

breq on watching musicals for entertainment: "It was mindless, but the songs were nice and improved my mood considerably" SAME, BREQ, SAME

seivarden, "everything that happens on my watch is my fault", echoing awn unknowingly, and breq does not make even the tiniest internal monologue PEEP while getting visibly more and more uncomfortable!!!

and then seivarden goes off on/about the snooty conservatives!! The Radicalization of Seivarden Vendaai!!!! we're watching her go slowly from "I am important because of my bloodline" to "I am important not because of the circumstances of my birth but because this person has made it eminently clear that my bloodline is irrelevant and I matter to them anyway"

god i would love a seivarden POV from Justice. what she thinks is going on with Breq and what she notices and realizes before things are made clear!!

AND i am once again pining for Anaander backstory. Breq muses "the Radch had used ancillaries long before Anaander Mianaai had made herself into what she was, there just hadn't been quite so many of them." i wanna know what ancillaries in pre-anaander radch were like and i wanna watch anaander's transformation from individual to lord of the radch!!!

"Ancillaries were notorious for their expressionless faces. I could easily keep from smiling." Sure, Breq.

Seivarden standing up to Omaugh Anaander because she's more loyal to Breq than the Lord of the Radch….. god. I love Seivarden

[footiehoemcfc]

if there is no camera angle where var can see if the ball went out or not why on earth would they not give the goal? I did think the ball was out but you really can’t see shit.

Idc if ur an arsenal fan or chelsea, united, liverpool idc. All the rivals fans always saying “oh city paying the refs again” after a decision doesnt go your way against a team that is NOT city 😂 is hilarious and just shows how pathetic you are. These are the people that live with victim mentality and believe there is an agenda against them all the time. But when the roles are reversed oohhhh boy….

Btw having this mentality and thinking you lose not bc you didnt do enough but bc “var hates us😞the world is against us” is why you never win anything. Var and refs have been so shitty with every team, not just u, stop bitching about it and get over it. 👍���

[astaldis]

Chapter 4: Sometimes I fall to pieces

@cake-shop-rarepair-bingo

@witcher-rarepairs

Chapters: 4/5 of ‘You're brave because they broke you ...’

Bingo Prompts: Bedsharing, temporary or permanent blindness

Challenge Prompt: Write a disabled character

Fandom: The Witcher (TV)

Pairing: Cahir Mawr Dyffryn aep Ceallach & Fringilla Vigo

Rating: Mature

Archive Warning: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Witcher_Rarepair_Prompt_Fest Prompt: Post Season 2: After their lie is uncovered by Emhyr var Emreis, Cahir and Fringilla are arrested and thrown into the dungeons - in the same cell. With only one bed. First they bicker and bitch and blame each other for their failure, but this changes drastically when Cahir is tortured, and badly so, and Fringilla has to take care of him.

"Cahir, you have to tell me exactly what happened," Fringilla urges. "Was it a curse? Curses can be broken. I'd only need the exact wording of the spell and as soon as—" She does not finish the sentence as he is shaking his head. Not a curse.

"How then?" she asks, puzzled. Fringilla has not detected any visible damage to his eyes. Definitely not gouged or cut or burned out, she would have noticed drastic injuries like that even in the dim light of the dungeons. No, both eyeballs seem perfectly intact. What can do something like this besides a curse, or the black sun? A potion? Some kind of poison?

"My sword. The one they took from me when we were arrested. They heated it in the fire," he starts to explain, his voice hoarse and shaky, the words slightly slurred. Talking about this must be painful, and not only because of the traumatic experience but also because of the physical anguish it causes. Still, Fringilla needs to know. Only then there might be a chance for her to help.

"They - they held it in my face and made me look at it. It was brighter than the sun burns. It - it hurt like hell." He swallows. "Then everything went dark." The last words are hardly more than a whisper. More tears come and trickle slowly down his cheeks and into the rag that is supposed to be some sorry excuse of a pillow. He gives a hiccoughing sob. And another one ...

Continue reading on Ao3: 

https://archiveofourown.org/works/47540179/chapters/120025675

[beachesgetpeaches]

the one thing we croatians will have is most experts saying that the PK was clearly not a PK, and it came after corner kick for croatia was not given to us. that shit changes the game.

the entire wc VAR is being used for the smallest things (see: croatia losing a PK for supposed "offside" for example, among many others), but in world cup semi-finals the ref does not consult VAR before saying something is a PK even though he was near 20 m behind the situation? i'm sorry but that's laughable.

argentina scored two extra goals after that, but keep in mind that the first of the two (the second goal) came minutes after that entirely nerve wracking call by the ref - this game could have easily ended at 1:0 if not for the psychological impact of it. i mean just looking at the stats croatia "was better" (which means nothing if you don't score but bare with me).

croatia does what it does best, holds the reins to the game, keeps a cool head, and waits for an opportunity. we rely heavily on our defence and mid-field, and you can say what you want but croatia did not get to top 4 by "not playing football well" or "dragging it out to shootouts" (bitch, you try playing for 2 hours at a decent level).

in this game that cool head and control of the game was not there after that PK, if you rewatch the game you see that in the first half hour croatia holds it well.

anyway, gg argentina they still scored the two other goals and alvarez is fuckin speedy like man wow BUT I will remain very salty and sus over that ref call with no VAR involved at all.

[garrulus]

The way you bring up Croatia so they bring up.... An Irish guy?

They say celebrations are a European thing that they just hate on Brasil for, but all countries perceivably in Europe (I say perceivably because countries close to or inbetween continent borders often get debated a bit) are different and have different football cultures? The Irish guy in question who said he didn't like the celebrations is someone who for the most part just ran around and stuck his hand in the air for a celebration, he didn't do a lot of dancing or anything. People also get punished in some form by refs for celebrations deemed too exuberant anyway (Brasil's celebrations weren't over the top, but I'm using it as an example just to show that celebrations are not all treated equally)- it's not like all celebrations are loved by all footy fans or by sporting officials. Beyond that Roy Keane? Yeah, he also said he didn't like it when Ireland celebrated a goal in a friendly because it was "over the top". It's not like he's directing his dislike for goal celebrations at one nation or one group or ethnicity, he's directed em at a few people. He said Parrott had an important goal but that the celebrations were still over the top, this was the only goal of the game, and he still had an issue with that. Compare that to him getting upset about Brasil celebrating every goal, or which they had many? It doesn't seem targeted to me- it just seems like he doesn't enjoy goal celebrations that much.

I also saw someone respond to that post using the fact that Croatian players grabbed onto the Brasilian players shirts and that nothing happened to them as if that was proof of the point of the post... I've seen many MANY a match where there's been no real rigging or bias where nothing happens due to shirt pulling lol- most players do it at some point. It's also difficult to see, they aren't gonna VAR every shirt pull because it's common in the game and if an official doesn't see it they can't do anything about it. It's also just, not actually a food in of itself anyway, it can be depending on the situation (if it has impact in the game, stops someone from being able to move or from being able to take a shot on goal for example.) but normally it doesn't. I'm tired of people trying to make things issues when they don't even know what they're talking about lol.

nah people will just find anything to bitch about.

that post wasn't even about celebrations. (honestly, dancing isn't my cup of tea but i would literlly never say anything about it cuz it's their thing....and it's kinda cute honestly to me 🤷)

as for grabbing.... i saw brazilians grabbing croatians. when you are watching your team you alway only see fouls AGAINST your team, that's normal!!!! 😂

what bugs me is people bitching now when last time it was croatia against denmark, then russia, then england...and it was fine. and now suddenly ---- its rigged against BRAZIL.

(it was also 'rigged' against argentina last time but it was in the group stage so it didn't matter much?)

....... honey.... 😂 i am also so tired. just watch some football and shut up honestly. people just wanna play victim so much smh. i mean... just because you won some years ago does not mean everybody should just bend over and give it to you lol 😂

i literally have nothing against brazil

if we lost today, i would have SUPPORTED BRAZIL ALL THE WAY CUZ IMHO THEY SHOWED THE BEST FOOTBALL SO FAR ON THIS CUP 🤷

nah ppl are just crazy on this site.

thank you so much, it's so nice to get some sane and nice people in my askbox 😘😘😘

[anchanted-one]

Legend of Lightning Chapter 35: Unsafe

https://archiveofourown.org/works/43208574/chapters/110880382

Nar Shaddaa, An inn near the Promenade

Kira Carsen forgot to knock before entering her Master’s room. She cursed, but the other Jedi hadn’t been doing anything she needed to shy away from anyway.

He was speaking to Captain Stede and her crew via holo.

“Well, after what you did there’s no way I wouldn’t return the favor,” Vajra was saying amiably.

The First mate—Jerre, was it? —gave a gruff chuckle and answered. “Well, you’d ‘ave to possess a heart uh stone not to help free innocent people used as lab rats. Or, you’d have to be Risha. Oww,” he added half-heartedly as the shifty woman had smacked him on the back of the head.

“Do not judge me before walking a mile in my shoes,” she snarled.

“Cuz after that, ye’re safe,” Stede grinned. “Cuz you’re a mile away, and wearing her shoes.” Vajra, who clearly hadn’t heard that one before, burst out laughing as Risha rolled her eyes.

“You guys make it sound like I’m a cruel, heartless bitch,” Risha pouted. “It’s true that I often don’t act when there’s no profit in it, but that’s because ‘profit’ implies ‘business.’ Meaning, someone offers you terms, and you have the opportunity to try and weigh gains versus risks. You’ll find I never take up even good contracts if I don’t have time to think. In our line of work, sentiment and emotion get you killed.” She bit her lip.

“Sounds like you lost someone. Who was it?” Kira asked.

Risha’s answer was surprisingly reasonable, even though her expression grew sour as a Corellian lemon. “I might tell you, once I’ve gotten to know you. You’re clearly a sharp girl, so there’s a chance we could be friends.”

Kira gave a cheeky wink. “How about a date then? Just as soon as we’re done defusing Var Suthra’s bombs.”

“Pass.”

“She didn’t have to hurt me this bad,” Kira complained.

“I don’t plan dates months in the future, Jedi. We either have drinks today that ends with a night in bed, or nothing at all.”

“Healthy,” Kira nodded firmly. “I like it. Wish I’d known when you were right in front of me though.”

Risha rolled her eyes. “Well. You snooze, you lose, birdie.”

Vajra laughed. “Was the compensation suitable?”

“Twenty-five thousand credits, and a Jedi friend on speed dial? Perfectly suitable!” Juun said heartily. “Don’t forget, I’ve got dibs on taking you to your first real party once you turn adult!”

“So long as I can bring my friends with me.”

“Sweet! A bigger party! See you around, little Knight!”

The call ended, and Kira’s Master turned his attention to her. “What’s up?”

“I found it kinda fun to flirt right in front of my Master,” Kira noted. “Master Kiwiiks would have sent me to bed without supper. And given me scolding soup for breakfast.”

“And I just sat there cheering. I think I’m a bad Master. Perhaps the kind saint can mend my wicked ways?”

“Down, boy!” Kira smirked.

“Is there anything I can help you with?”

“Yes. I want my next lesson.”

“Really? Okay then, sing me a lullaby to show me how good your voice is—”

“Not a singing lesson, you dumbass! Err, I mean: dear, sweet Master. Lightsaber Forms!”

“Oh, right!” He flipped onto his feet. “T7?”

The droid, which had been at rest, woke up with a “Dwoooo?”

“Keep watch till I return, would you? My Padawan here needs to be taught a lesson.”

<Acknowledged!>

Waving her over, the younger Jedi ran for the window.

“Umm… I’m using the door, thank you. Don’t feel like falling seventeen floors.”

He had disappeared by then, but he obviously got the gist, since she got a call seconds later. “Consider this a warmup!” he said, the sound of wind sighing over his voice.

A grumbling Kira caved, following her Master’s exit so that she could freerun her way after him. “It’s good exercise,” she muttered to herself grudgingly. Her body was still rusty after all.

She had to make her own way to the warehouse, since she had no idea which way her Master had chosen. But perhaps that was a good point in favor of the lesson. It would teach her a way to get to out-of-reach objectives in the field. Given how busy it was, the people of Nar Shaddaa didn’t pay attention to the rooftops. There were many walkways and cranes this high up. Scaffolding. Droid-pilots that paid no mind if people leapt on and off their trawlers. The occasional startled sentient.

Kira took a few more leaps, before jumping for a window. Unfortunately, her fingers weren’t strong enough to hold on, so there was a moment of stark fear before a hand shot out of the window and grabbed her.

“Hello again, stranger,” her Master grinned.

Kira almost screamed. “How did you know—”

“I stayed close enough to keep an eye on you. What kind of Master would I be if I let you fall to your death?”

“But the window! How did you know?!”

“Oh, that? I saw the path you were taking. I had a feeling the window might prove a weak point. Work on your fingers, eh?”

“Um. Sure. Pull me up, maybe?”

He considered her before shaking his head. “I think you’ve got this.”

Kira was annoyed for a flash, but relented. While Vajra would always have her back on the field, that didn’t mean she should slack off. Her ultimate goal was to become strong enough to defend herself against the great Sith, after all.

Gritting her teeth, she tried again. With a mighty effort, she pulled herself onto the ledge, and from there, got inside the abandoned room beyond it.

“Calming breaths,” she told herself. As she meditated on her breathing to calm her nerves, her Master rubbed her hands for her. “Treating me like a queen, aren’t you?”

“How am I supposed to treat you?” he asked.

“Like a student? Give advice, or encouragement?”

“Oh.” He patted her head roughly. “Good girl!” he said in a deliberately unenthusiastic tone.

She snorted before laughing. “You’re a fucking riot, Boss!”

“Take your time. The warehouse is just across the street, so we can take the boring way from here. I think we’ve achieved sufficient warmup, no?”

Kira followed her Master down the stairs. They were clean, for Nar Shaddaa. No sticky, smelly stuff “Boss?”

“Yes, Minion?”

“You seem to have gotten close to Captain Stede’s crew.”

“They’re… friendly. Stede, especially. Besides, I saw them fighting the good fight on two separate occasions. They really stepped up, even when our Military didn’t.”

“I’m just saying. Remember that they’re smugglers. There’s always a chance they’ll try to get you to help them sneak some contraband past customs.”

“You got a point. But I thought you liked Risha?”

“What, the queen of all the conceiteds?” Kira pulled a face. “No, absolutely fucking not! I was just practicing. I plan on going hunting soon. This may be Smuggler’s Moon, but there’s a lot of decent people my age. I really want to get one good fuck in before my twentieth birthday. It’s been more than a year now.”

It was just a few days off now…

“Is there anything I can get you for your birthday?” the boss asked.

“I don’t need anything big. A tiny token of appreciation will do. Like what I gave you!”

“Right,” he nodded. “I understand. I still have no fucking idea what to get you. Would you like a puppy?”

While Kira wanted nothing more than to coo at a lil black floof all day long, she had to shake her head regretfully. “That falls under ‘attachment,’ Master. Bad for Jedi and saints.”

“Oh, right,” he frowned. “Oh, I know!”

“What?” Kira asked interestedly.

“I’ll make it a surprise—”

“Oh no you don’t! Spill it!”

“Just something I saw in a shop nearby. In addition, let’s see if we can’t finish up early over here, and get that vacation you were asking for!”

“I like that idea!” Kira rubbed her hands eagerly. “We can invite Jazz along, too!”

“Hopefully, Master Kiwiiks will make it in time too.”

“Yep! Even if the Council lets me switch Masters, I still love her to the two moons and back. I want her there with me when I cut that cake! But who else do we call… Ranna?”

“The Kalikori still won’t leave their region, let alone Tython.”

“Ah, right.”

“You want to call the ‘Party Crashers?’”

“I like them,” Kira admitted. “But not that much.” They stopped at the crossing, waiting for the change in traffic signals. Nar Shaddaa had quite a strange selection of speeders, or rather, strangely decorated speeders. They were all painted in neon colors, with holographic stickers slapped all over them. Some even gave off a lot of nontoxic smoke, more like a fashion statement than burning primitive fossil fuels.

This place was full of neon lights. It had never bothered her before, but Tython had undone her acclimatization.

“Do you get much sleep in this kind of place?” she asked her Master, who grunted.

“After what we’ve seen, I don’t know if I want to,” he sighed.

Kira shivered. “Shit. I’d managed to ignore that for nearly four hours today. I know what you’ll do with the project, but what will you do with the sub—the people?”

The boss took a long time to answer. “Rehabilitation.”

“And if that’s not an option?”

“It has to be,” he said, shaking his head. “I can’t take the alternative.”

“Well, come on! I’m ready for my lesson!” He dithered nervously, obviously daunted by the mess of vehicles. Kira took his hand. “It’s okay, Boss. No sweat. See? Nothing to it.”

*

The Promenade, The Next Day

Vajra heard the music as the elevator door took its first crack open. Before he could do more than register the fact, the doors parted and allowed him an unobstructed view of the SIS Safehouse. That was indeed music being played on the base’s sound system, and some of the people were weakly dancing to it. Several serving droids went from group to group, offering food and beverages to the employees.

Several of the larger monitors were tuned into a live game of Huttball, which was what held most of the people’s attention. They all reacted enthusiastically to goals, tackles, passes, and pitfalls, each providing their own commentary.

“Did I miss something?” Kira wondered. “They seem so relaxed!”

“Ahhh, Jedi, come on in!” Chief Rieekan called, sounding like he’d had at least a few glasses of the harder drinks. “We’re celebrating your success in the Power Guard project! You really came through! Found a needle in a haystack in record time, then sent the Imp bastards packing! Amazing victory! Haven’t had an occasion to celebrate like this in years!”

“But we’re not done yet,” Vajra reminded him. “We still have Power Guards unaccounted for. Agent Galen is still missing too. And then there’s the matter of Lord Sadic.”

“Agent Galen is probably dead by now,” Rieekan said somberly. “It’s been a while since he’s gone missing, but we still haven’t seen any signs that the Imps got Intel out of him. As for Sadic and the missing Guards, he’s probably taken them back to his Master.”

“Don’t we have to confirm that first?” Kira questioned. “While those scenarios do seem quite likely, we can’t just assume that’s the case.”

“And we’re not,” Rieekan reassured her. “It’s been a rough few weeks, so my people need the morale boost. But I promise, we’ll get back to work by 16:00. In the meantime, have some food! We got takeout from a good Corellian restaurant nearby.”

With that, he turned and loped back to the party, immediately cheering at a good pass.

“For what it’s worth, I agree with you,” a Twi’lek sidled up to them. “Now’s not the time to get lax.”

“You’re… Agent Tander, right?” Vajra confirmed.

“That’s right. Listen, can you do me a favor? There’s stuff happening nearby. Unusual foot traffic into several nearby warehouses. More than the ordinary amount of comm static. Power fluctuations too.”

“You want me to check it out?”

“Please,” Tander nodded furiously. “Please! I’ll send you the locations of the warehouses. Call me directly if you need support. Or have anything to say whatsoever.”

*

“What’s the plan?” Kira asked, as she followed the Boss out onto the shop floor.

“We have to split up,” he replied. “I’ll check out the warehouses—if anyone wants to muster an assault force, that’s where they’d put them. You ask around the Promenade. See if it’s just the base that’s been getting the comm problems. Don’t ask around too long. Once you’re done, head over to the nearest comm tower. See if there’s anything wrong there. T7, look at the generators. See why there might be problems. If you find any hostile forces, call me in at once, do not engage. Both of you.”

“Got it.” <Affirmative!>

Kira decided to try the cantina before stopping random passers-by in the markets. She joined the queue of people waiting to get inside. There weren’t many yet, just seven. It was a good number, Kira thought. Perhaps she might get lucky and a few guards might discuss what she needed to know.

Or, she might see the disturbance for herself.

She paid close attention while attempting to appear the non-suspicious kind of impatient. She tapped her foot and craned her neck. She looked around and grumbled from time to time, trying to give the impression of a girl who wanted to grab a quick drink before her superior noticed she was missing.

The guards stirred eventually.

“Think the game’s still on?” the Nikto asked.

“I hope so,” replied the Houk. “Our shift ends soon. It’s always fun to watch those mooks fall into the stun traps!”

“Really? The shock cage traps?” the Nikto laughed. “Not interested in the brawls, the tackles, the biting, the hairpulling?”

“Yeah, those are fun too!” the Houk laughed. “But nothing beats the expression on a poor sod’s face when the shock cage goes off!!

Both men laughed. “Speaking of shocks, do you think there might be another—”

“I doubt it. Things feel stable now. Gave me a headache, though!” He suddenly bit his lip and looked around. “Careful what you say, you moron! Want to get us in trouble?”

“Right. Sorry.”

Kira turned that exchange over in her head. To her, that sounded like talk about the power fluctuations. But it had been rather vague! It could have been anything else, including a malfunction in the sound system. Or an influx of rowdy, would-be patrons who got turned away.

She flashed her ID, submitted to the security scan, then handed over her lightsaber to the guard. Most patrons simply checked in their weapons at this counter, but others, like Mandalorians, Sith, Jedi, Cartel bosses, refused to be parted with theirs. Some there were, who came with expensive weapons, and were wary of handing over their weapons to security. For such people, this cantina allowed them to keep them on their persons so long as they consented to a device which stopped them from being fired.

The man behind the counter slapped on this device, then pressed the button a few times to ensure that it was working. He then handed it back to her with a nod and a “Have a good day, Miss!”

Kira went inside and walked to the bar. The muscled barmaid turned to her with a bright smile after catering to a short Twi’lek with blue skin.

“What can I get you, hon?”

“I’ll have a pomace brandy and some nachos, please. And a salsa dip, if that’s not empty yet.”

“For you, anything!”

“Nice morning, isn’t it?” Kira asked as the cheerful woman worked. “The sort which makes you think nothing can go wrong?”

“I know what you mean,” she replied. “Sadly, that kind of thing’s rare here on Nar Shaddaa. Always some kind of trouble brewing. Nothing wrong today, thank the stars!”

“Cept for the crazy lights, eh, Marge?” someone behind her put in. “Rare for the Promenade to get hit with spotty power.”

Marge went stiff for a second, enough that some brandy spilled onto the counter. “It happens,” her cheer was sounding a bit forced. “Anything can cause that kind of problem. Routine maintenance, unexpected damages…”

“But some of the biggest deals on the planet are conducted here,” her coworker insisted. “Including the biggest Hutts. Wouldn’t they be unhappy with even the smallest distractions?”

She cleared her throat. “Yes. I suppose.” She shoved the drink at Kira. “Oh, your nachos.” She hurriedly scooped some into a small bowl for her, and put a small tub of salsa to go with it. That’ll be seven credits… thank you hon! Have a good day!”

As Kira walked away, she heard her whisper furiously “Haven’t you been here long enough to know that we pretend the signs aren’t happening when a customer’s around?”

Kira moved to one of the more distant tables, listening in on the conversations. She didn’t always hear anything of interest. A trio of young women were comparing notes on their hunt for employment.

“Ivorn accepted my application,” the raven-haired Zeltron said happily. “They’ve called me in for an interview.”

“They rejected me,” the dark human said. “But Ostek Solutions told me they’d be calling sometime today!”

“Ostek?” The lighter human asked. “I’ve never heard of them.”

“They’re a big cybernetics company…”

At a table several rows down were a pair of Republic soldiers, only identifiable by the badge she hadn’t seen until she was this close to them. They returned Kira’s friendly smile.

“Morning, Jedi! You look familiar…” said the male, a tall human with caramel hair.

“Hey there, Soldier. Not interrupting a date, am I?”

“We’ve probably been here too long anyway,” the woman was a Nautolan with blue skin.

“Wish we could be here longer. Today’s been a real mess!”

“Damn! I’m sorry to hear that,” Kira said sympathetically. “Not the ‘people are getting hurt’ kind of mess, I trust? Going by your tone!”

“Oh, we’d love that kind of mess!”

“We joined up to shoot and blow stuff up after all!”

“No, our problem is more on the level of electrical malfunctions. Our main server got fried from all the power surges!”

“We keep getting static on comms.”

Kira looked around covertly. “I’m actually in here for a favor to SIS right now,” she said softly. “There’s this agent who’s spooked by this. Worried that it means something is building up. Have you been on Nar Shaddaa long? Have you seen this happen before?”

Kira’s words had caused a change in the soldiers’ bearing, slight though it was.

“We weren’t worried, but I can see why it might be a red flag,” the woman replied.

“Yeah… on larger worlds, this kind of problem was sometimes seen when the Imps were masking a major raid. Can’t believe I didn’t think of it before.”

“We’ll head back to our unit,” the woman said. “The Ambassador might be in danger.”

“If the Imps do something in the Promenade—”

“Not openly, but there’s always that risk. Especially if they’ve found themselves a scapegoat.”

“Thanks for the info, guys. Hopefully it’s just an Astromech that had one too many memory wipes.”

The soldiers left at once, and Kira hurriedly finished off her meal before following suit. The man at the door removed the suppressor on her Lightsaber before bidding her a good day.

Kira thought she had what she needed. She made straight for the comm tower next. It was an effort to maintain a slow pace. Indecision plagued her. She wondered if it was a good idea to check the tower at all.

“I’ve scoured the second warehouse,” the boss whispered on his comm. “It’s empty. Moving on to the third."

“Master,” Kira whispered. “Something definitely feels wrong. The people at the cantina were on edge, and some soldiers I met agreed that it was fishy. Maybe I should just go back to the safehouse. If the enemy attacks, the Agents will all need someone to defend them.”

There was silence for a moment.

“Master?”

“It’s too dangerous. Don’t go in without me. I’ll meet you by the South Entrance. T7, do you have anything to repo—”

T7 interrupted suddenly, which almost made Kira drop her comm. “Trouble = located! Sabotage = confirmed! Bypasses found = 133! Low-yield detonite charges found = 26! Timer countdown: 58 seconds! Blackout = imminent!”

“Kira, please wait for me! Kira!”

“Tell you what, Boss. I’ll give you three minutes, then I go in.”

There was no response, only the sound of wind blowing.

*

Vajra arrived only a few seconds after Kira’s timer ran out. He’d pushed past his limits today, so he was breathing hard when he finally caught upto her.

“Master!” Kira whispered. “Did I make you run?”

“You almost made me scream,” he replied. “And not in the good way. You’ve gotten better, but I think you’re a week or two away from being able to handle a small army on your own.”

The words seemed to delight his redheaded friend. “Only that long?”

“What can I say? You’re a quick study. Honestly, it’s only your endurance that we need to work on for now. When you can stay in the zone for close to an hour—”

Kira didn’t have to ask why he had trailed off. They could see a small queue entering the shop. While it wasn’t out of the ordinary for armed guards to escort a legitimate buyer inside, they did not hesitate when the alarm bells rang in their heads.

But they were forced to obey the neutrality laws while out in the open, and therefore did not charge. It took a further forty agonizing seconds to close the gap. When they were close enough, Vajra killed the pair on guard with a stab through the chest. Their bodies stayed upright; Kira having Seized them through the Force.

“Master—”

“I noticed. We have no choice; we have to defend the agents, and these guys don’t stay down easy. Fast and hard!” Vajra’s voice sounded dead in his own ears, but he felt his old trepidation quivering at the back of his mind.

The second they entered the door, Kira Pulled in the frozen bodies so that they could be hidden from prying eyes, while Vajra continued on ahead to begin fighting the invaders, those poor, desperate people he had tried his best to protect.

The Power Guards. Ten of them, not counting the two Kira had stopped, had taken up position close to the elevator.

They had Imperial Commanders, of course, as they couldn’t themselves make decisions. This one, a ruddy female with a cruel sneer on her lips, screeched the command to attack in a voice like a vulture’s.

Vajra surged forth like a whip; vanishing from one spot, only to reappear in another, where his target felt his sting. The first six Guards tracked him fairly well, definitely better than unmodified soldiers could. Shots whipped through the air a heartbeat after he’d passed through. Indeed, to any outsider it might appear as though these Guards were a success, but to him they might as well have missed by a mile.

Indeed, Vajra knew that over they were no match for most higher-level Padawans, let alone full Knights.

The next four guards dropped their rifles and took out heavy viobroswords to take him on in melee combat. Vajra sidestepped their heavy blows, which sunk into the floor and pillars thanks to their awesome penetrating power.

Unfortunately for the cyborgs, this turned out to be their downfall. All four blades were momentarily stuck, leaving them momentarily exposed for the single strike which claimed their heads.

The formerly smug overseer started screaming wildly, but Vajra found no pity in his heart. He Pulled her with the Force, stabbing her through the chest.

The elevator beyond her was damaged, the doors torn out of their grooves.

Vajra leapt down the shaft, his landing and the sound it made both cushioned by the Force. He rushed out at once, and was not afforded the time to take stock of the situation; the SIS agents were being exterminated like rats.

Reigniting his Lightsaber, he first killed the overseer for this group—a light-skinned male—before going for the cyborgs, who were fanning out.

Four fell to his blade before anyone even realized what had happened, and another three before even their cybernetically enhanced reactions could keep up with. Of the seven remaining, two were definitely Mk-5s, given their obvious cyborg bodies. The other five were possibly Mk-3s or 4s.

Both 5s closed in for melee with massive vibroaxes while the others tried to surround them. They did not seem worried about friendly fire at all, opting to pepper everyone with a barrage. The 5s attacked in concert; one engaging face-to-face, the other flanking. Vajra’s blade blocked all three downward attacks while also reflecting the fire from the shooters back at them. Some of the blaster bolts bounced off an invisible wall around the 5s. He feinted a couple of hits at both of them, only to find that the Lightsaber blade bounced just like the bolts. He wondered if the shield was any stronger than one used by an elite trooper. He slipped out of the flanking 5’s attack vector when his instinct told him, and the axe crashed onto the ground and stuck there for a second. Momentarily clear of both 5s, there were a lot more shots that weren’t blocked before he needed to worry about them. His blade sang through the air, returning the bolts back where they came from.

The shooters took hits, but did not go down, their enhanced bodies better able to take such deadly blasts. He also noted that their wounds showed signs of healing already; the burns began to fade within seconds. Their regenerative factor was clearly working in high gear.

As Kira popped out of the shaft behind him, he called, “Stay back! I’ll handle these guys!”

He probed the 5s’ shields for weaknesses, hoping that they were upgraded versions of the personal shields that elite soldiers used. They were; it took three strikes to overload them, not counting the hits they took from their allies. But that didn’t mean they were vulnerable, at least not to blaster fire. The shots just bounced off their thick, armored shells.

But he did not think they’d last long against his Lightsaber, but he didn’t press his attack just yet; the agents were safe since he had the enemy’s attention after all.

No, he wanted to test these cyborgs, since there was a slight chance that the designs would get back to the Empire.

Which was why he drew out the fight, allowed them two hulking brutes the chance to push themselves to their limits.

The 5s were being hit by not only direct fire, but bolts reflected off his blade as well. The constant attacks were quite damaging to their armor, and pretty soon, chunks of metal were falling to the floor and leaving their weak inner parts exposed.

In addition, their speed was fueled by the many gears, pistons, and other moving parts in their cyborg frames. Powerful though they made them, such parts quickly built-up heat. Just as Vajra anticipated, the large Mk-5s began to overheat after just a few minutes of going toe-to-toe with him.

He decided not to risk a self-destruct. Going on the offensive, he sidestepped an attack before stabbing at a gap in her armor. His blade sank all the way into her heart, and he felt himself stumble for the fraction of a second, literally tripped by guilt.

He spun around and stabbed the second cyborg in the throat. Moments before his blow connected, he was shocked to see tears flowing in the otherwise emotionless face, a glimpse of sentience peeking through whatever programming that had been used to enslave them.

Anger and pain made him shudder and stop in his tracks for a moment, though he continued blocking all blaster bolts that came his way. Several of the shooters started going for their vibroswords while their comrades continued their relentless barrage.

He had slain the ones in the shop quickly in order to save the agents, but these, he tested. He swatted aside one strike after the next, barely needing to move. They responded alright to his feints at this speed, though they were slightly shaken by the strength in his blows. Only slightly.

Having tested their strength, Vajra decided to move on to reflexes and coordination. Abandoning his almost lazy defense, he began weaving in and out of their formation, pushing them into each other when someone charged too recklessly.

They crashed without uttering a sound, and rose again a few seconds later to resume their mindless attack.

Guns were starting to overheat now, and the remaining shooters noticed. They dropped their smoking weapons and also closed in. But now Vajra was certain he’d seen what he needed to.

Moving quickly, he began the grim task of slaying them; these poor, lost souls whom the overseer at the recruitment center had called ‘heroes.’

He gave them clean ends; his Lightsaber striking their hearts. Once they had fallen, he took a moment to gaze upon each of them. They became Power Guards to fight the Empire, or at least—as Jasme had put it—so that they could emerge from the shadow of their own weakness. Instead, they had become pawns in a game they should never have been forced to enter.

Their minds were gone; he was certain of that much. But he saw tears on several faces.

The sight conjured up a cold fist in his gut, which clenched and grabbed, twisting his inside into knots and making him dizzy.

“Master!”

“I’m alright, Kira. The Agents—”

“Those who aren’t already dead will probably live.” The voice had come from Agent Tander. “Two minutes. They tore through our fortified base in two minutes!”

“What the hell were these things?”

“I can’t tell you,” Vajra answered.

Tander’s eyes glowered. “Well, that’s just fine. Coz we’re not telling you anything either!”

“What?”

“Our people are dead! Dead! I kept telling Rieekan that we needed to leave, but we stayed here for YOU! And now look where that got us!”

“Shut your yap, Agent!” Kira barked. “I’m sorry for your loss, but your chief knew what was at stake! Why didn’t you? Did you think SIS stood for ‘Bake Sale Club’ or something? You’re doing dangerous but essential work here! And you think you had it hard? My Master here has been marked for death by DARTH FUCKING ANGRAL! He's been fighting for his life every ten steps!"

The Agent flinched.

“Kira,” Vajra said weakly, but she ignored him.

“You want to run away? Fine! Try finding a job in the SIS which is a hundred percent risk free! Up until this moment, you were part of an investigation into those things—” Kira pointed at the Power Guards. “At stopping more from ever being made, from another Sack of Coruscant. Or worse. But if you need to be forced to do the job you signed up for, maybe you shouldn’t be here at all. Go. Go! GOOOO!”

Tander bit his cheek, then headed for the elevator. “Yeah. If you need help, you can talk to Rieekan. He’s over there.” He pointed at a burned-out corpse close to the elevator.

“It’s been wrecked,” Vajra sighed. “You’ll have to wait till reinforcements arrive. Or use cables.” The Twi’lek snarled in fury, kicking the head of the Imperial overseer.

“Listen, Jedi… we don’t all feel the same way as him,” another agent said hesitantly. “You tried to keep us safe. You saved our lives. And like the Miss said, this is what we signed up for.”

Tander had whipped around. “No! I’m the ranking officer here now! I order you to remain silent, Agent Diaz!”

“Can’t hear you, Sir. Concussion.”

A Zabrak woman nodded. “Not the first time I’ve seen this happen. I hate it, but we need to act. The mourning can come later. And therapy. And a few stiff drinks.”

Several of the surviving techs began combing through the implants on the fallen Power Guards, the others joining in hesitantly.

Tander tried to intervene by grabbing one of the techs, but Vajra restrained him. “Words only. If you try to manhandle them, I will intervene.”

Tander gave him a sour look, then growled and sat on a seat closest to the elevator.

About half an hour later, help came. Several squads of Republic soldiers, led by a pair who greeted Kira like a friend.

“What are these things?” A soldier asked.

“Not a question I can answer,” Vajra shook his head. “Have you secured the building?”

“Yeah,” the soldier replied uneasily. “Hard to believe the Imps would attack a Republic building in broad daylight—right next to the kriffing Promenade! I hope they get kicked off world for this!”

“We can hope,” Vajra replied. “Unfortunately—”

“Right.”

“Get the bodies prepped for evac. Including the cyborgs. We can’t let the Hutts or Imps have them. Var Suthra will contact you about where they need to be taken.”

“Yes, Sir.” The man looked doubtful. Trust in Var Suthra had been shaken deeply. Perhaps rightfully so. Vajra clenched his teeth, thinking about the Power Guards’ cruel fates, fury burning in his chest.

It was nearly an hour after the soldiers had arrived, that the techs found a lead.

The first one to have spoken up earlier came up to him looking tired but satisfied. “We got lucky. These Mark Threes… they’re constantly tracking not just each other, but other higher models too. I think we found where the final bolt hole is.”

“Where is it?”

“At these coordinates.” He pressed a datapad into his hands. “Take these guys down, Sir. Kill the Imp at the other end.”

*

[emirhanizm]

Ben bu şarkıyı sana yazdım

Yüzüne yüzüne söyleyeceğim. İyi dinle. Göt. Özlemek kavramından bahsederek başlamak istiyorum. Eğer şu an bulunduğun basamak önceki basamaktan daha aşağıda ise özleme olayı gerçekleşiyor. Şu an bulunduğun basamak bir öncekinden yüksekte ise asla özleme gerçekleşmez. Güzel yemek yiyen biri çirkin yemeği özlemez. İyi sex yapan biri kötü sex yapmayı özlemez. Van'dan California'ya taşınan biri van'ı neden özlesin amk? Kürt milleti tabi anlamak mümkün değil..

Gelelim senin bendeki genel notuna. Daha kendin 8-9 aylık ilişkini unutamadın kaç aydır. Kime aşık olduğunu kendin bile çözemedin, bi öyle bi böyle diyorsun... Ama benim 4 senelik ilişkimi 1 senede tamamen unutmamı bekledin. Çok zor değil mi olm bu istek? Yapacaktım bunu elbet ancak o kadar kısa zamanda asla mümkün değildi. Seninle geçen 1 ayda nasıl yapayım ben bunu? Sen yapabildin mi he göt? (Sana sikik demek istiyorum). Unutmak için yola çıkmıştım neticede, gidiyordum.. ancak daha varamamıştım ama tabi ki unutacaktım. Yarı yolda indirdin beni amk. O sebeple senin bana yaşattıkların hiç hoş şeyler değil aslında önce bunun farkına var! Sen cidden bana yaşattıklarının farkında mısın beybi? İyi kötü gelmişim işte, anlatmışım durumu, bana iyi bak savaştan geliyorum demişim. Ben seni üzmem sen de beni üzme, az izin ver dinleneyim demişim... Sen naaptın peki? Elindeki bazukayla sağa sola sıka sıka gezdin. Bi vardın 5 yoktun. Göstermiyoz diye üzülmediğimiz mi sanılıyor? Sen beni üzdün. Bu duruma "X durumu" diyelim. Şimdi gelelim benim hayatıma. Elimde özlememe engel olacak ne var şu an? Bulunduğum yer bir öncekinden daha mı iyi? Çok düzgün iyi bir ilişkim mi var? Kimim var? Ne yapıyorum hayatımla? Her şey çok mu süper? Hayır. O zaman ben özleme fiilini gerçekleştirebilir miyim? Evet.

Şu an sik gibi tek başıma bir ömür geçirmeye mahkumum. Bunu gerçekten anlıyor musun? Farkında mısın?? Edebiyat değil bu. 75 yaşımda napacam ben evde? Hastalığımda kim gelecek? Yalnız ölücem! Bu duruma "Y durumu" diyelim. Doğal olarak "Y durumu"na düşmemek, yani yalnız ölmemek için elimdeki alternatiflere bakıyorum. Elimde hiç bir şey yok şu an. Sen "elimde alternatif miydin?" Asla değilsin. İlk günden beri bunun asla olmayacağını, inanmadığını söyleyip, bi bana bi ona aşık olduğunu söyleyen, nerde kimle ne yaptığı belli olmayacak derecede beni hayatından uzak tutan bir kadınsın sen! Bu iş olmasın diye özel emek vererek beni defalarca uzaklaştıran sensin! Defalarca bi şekilde "naber" diye kafasını kapıdan içeri sokan benim. Her seferinde dövülerek uzaklaştırılan da benim. Yani o sebeple yaRak kürek konuşacak biri varsa o da benim. R büyük. Biz birbirimiz i��in yaptıklarımızı bir teraziye koysak benim tarafımın ağır basacağını ikimiz de biliyoruz. Sen sadece oyunu bozan bi tipsin. Kendi içinde bişeyler yaşıyorsun hepsi o. Şimdi gelelim senin en sikko sikko konuştuğun kısma. Bizi bu hale getiren sensin. Ben değil. Önce bunun bi farkına var. Öyle mesaj atarak üste çıkamazsın! Aptal biri olsam belki. Ama bitch please... Yalnız ölmek istemiyorum. "Y durumu" beni korkutuyor. Ancak sen de "X durumu" olarak beni düzenli üzen ve güvensizlik abidesi olan bir durumdasın. X durumuna düşmek de istemiyorum. Bakıyorum etrafa, geçmişime. "A durumu" da olmuş. " A durumu" muhteşem miymiş? Yoo, aksine o da problemiymiş ancak en azından kasıtlı yapılan (sonra da hiç bir şey olmamış gibi davranılan bir kötülük yokmuş. "A durumu" can yakan, üzen veya kasıtlı yapılan hareketlerin olduğu bir yer değil. Kendince başka problemleri var. "Y durumundan" ise" A durumunu" tercih ederim. Basit matematik bak. Anlıyor musun? Sen de X durumu olarak dön bi hareketlerine bak amk. Neler yaşattığına bana. Elimde X durumu olsa tutup A durumunu özlesem bana kızmakta haklısın. ANCAK ELİMDE Y DURUMU VAR! Elimde hiç birşey yok alooo!!! Ama bişey diyim mi seni sandığından daha iyi anlıyorum. Aslında o kadar benziyoruz ki. Tane tane dizdiğimiz bir züccaciye dükkanımız var. Her şey o kadar zor elde edildi ki. Sergilenmesi lazım yani o kadar güzeller. Fakat bir taraftan da o dükkana girmeye çalışan bir fil var kapıda. Züccaciye dükkanını anasını skebilecek çok ciddi bir potansiyel. Koskoca fil. Sevimli de bir şey. Ama.. Nasıl alayım içeri? Nasıl alasın içeri? Sen sanıyor musun ki A senden daha değerli? He? Göt? Sana yıllardır sayfalarca şey yazdım. Ne geçti elime? Ne değişti? Şimdi başkası için yazılan 1 sayfaya mı bilendin? Sikik! Ben kırayım dediydim duvarı, fil girsin diye. Ama filin amacı dükkana sıçmakmış. Sadece "sıçabileceğini test etmekmiş" hatta. Fili tebrik ediyorum. Gayette sıçtı. Ne geçti eline bilmem. O egon yok mu o egon.. Kendi cehenneminde yan şimdi!

[lunlumo]

VAR you can be the funniest bitch right now

[nxiousxpsistence]

bir işi düşünmeye başladıysam gerisi gelir

kendimi kontrol etmem asla mümkün olmadığı için, kendime güvenmeye karar verdim.

vardır bir bildiğim vol. 5.65.

sana yine bak söyleyemediklerim var. hani kulağına giderse, gözüne değerse sınır ihlali olacaklardan. ne sana'sı hatta, size. topunuza.

hani gerçek oluversek bir anda kim olduğumuzu unutucaz da o yüzden mecbur var olana razıymışız gibi.

ama diğerleri duymasın, çok mühim değil, senin duymaman sıkıntılı olur benim için, en azından uzun vadede.

10 parmak öğrenmem lazım, yardım eder misin bana?

uWu

Bugün sana "bak bir parçam da sende ama söyleyemiyorum" yazdım yazdım, sildim. öyle çünkü.

senden yine güç alıyorum çünkü. keşke bana kendini daha çok anlatsan, I'm really not very good with listening to what ppl have to say nowadays and I know damn well it shows.

sorry, not sorry. thank you for winning the war against you.

I am more me because of the space you've let me give you.

You're practically the only person I'd consider an authority worthy of my consideration.

My cognitive cogs eat money for gas.

So I do love you and it's this kind of love that'd die rather than invade any of your space with. I feel like you (and he) are like rare flowers I'd very much enjoy watching grow, as I grow - hopefully but maybe not.

I want to be there, the non-anxious one, the always horny one, the bubbly yet dark one, the one who wears her hair high just so they can be seen as an old person. Hey, IT'S FUCKING FUN.

Like, I don't know, I've been without human touch for so long that I can easily publish a better version of myself (my trick is to reduce myself to momentous pleasures rather than meeting my own god) out there and catch his eye. Why the fuck not?

And I don't know. I may just do that. Ppl grow exponentially when they come to hate me.

Like he can hate me.

But I can't bear the thought of you seeing me for who I am and not liking it - I trust your judgment. I know you'll tell the truth. It's not even a deep kind of thing - I understand how your mind works, am curious to know more, and perhaps be there for you when we can have happiness together? Like in any capacity whatsoever?

My only expectation in life is to be able to seize what I choose to add to my life. I'd like you to choose to be with me - even if it is for a moment. We can be real to each other, get naked hopefully in more ways than one - or none - and I can finally say "Well, I must surely exist NOW?"

The mirage I've built for myself would like to be perceived by you because you have the most well oiled machine I've seen around. If you see something that doesn't sit right, I'll consider it. I may not agree with it, but I'll consider it.

With him, it's too early to tell, but the feeling doesn't smell nice. It's there and it's fun and it's exciting and it gave me new life and new inspiration

BUT

his way of thinking does not intersect my way of thinking on enough number of points along the way.

he needs to see a home in me, I have built a magnificent home for myself, which I won't allow anybody to touch for a while.

he's unwavering in his quest for the ultimate love, thinking my annoying habits will brush themselves off with good sex, and oh boy is he wrong.

his claim of me feels unnatural. he doesn't know me, still. I'm practically the fun, bubbly, curvy bitch who is overconfident,

oh and a gaybie who's merely living through queer euphoria. like a stage I'll grow out of soon? Why?

I didn't realise it until you mentioned how toxic this is. Exhibit 1A, Your Honour!

Like he walks on eggshells around me and we won't get anywhere until he realises I haven't put those there, on the floor there.

It's surely me evading responsibility as the inherent mistake we've been born with tells us to assume responsibility over others when we feel stuff.

We take responsibility without authority. This is where the balance gets askew.

I want you to talk to me more, but I don't know how to do it. I can't believe I find regular flirting (romantic) easier than I do intellectual flirting, which I'm actually supposed to be good at.

Are you actually making me blush and feel awkward? Investigate when not high.

I really wonder what thoughts you had as you shared those stories and let us know how you were and made me happy just to see you and Baris happy.

Like I'm dying to know about the depression, the void calling you again.

I literally need your experience with withdrawals and self-medication as I don't know how to navigate it - and your experience will be like a good book for me to enjoy. You're so ingenuous in your ways!

02.07.2023 - I really needed you to discuss asexuality a couple of days ago. Your insight would've added clarity to my deliberations. I wish you'd been there.

You shine and I see you. Is it too foolish to say exactly that?

You make me feel like it is.

He makes me feel like I'm claimed and I don't like it.

Maybe I've driven it this far but it's no longer in my control.

Perhaps this is the dance and I shall just play along as I really need the touch of a person who makes me feel fuzzy and warm inside.

And oh boy is he promising!

02.07.2023 - I didn't enjoy it and he's not that promising.

-- Not me getting high on my own romantic thoughts, the figurative flowers I've bought for you, the meals I had with you in candlelight --

Maybe you'll read all this when we meet in September.

And me laying myself bare to you may have just given me a will to be seen.

I hope you're the above to my below and we run around naked for a while.

I mentioned you at the picnic, to somebody who I was amazed to find has the same exact thinking as I did - I'm more spontaneous. I said, there was this person who was open about their gender and I started following them. I learned from them. I felt things for them. Today, I realised how this all started as a parasocial relationship. I enjoyed the thought of me growing just enough to ask you to have a chat with me. I knew I was missing things, I knew I had some more exploring to do. I kinda knew the pandemic was coming (I actually did). But I knew our paths would cross someday and they did.

I enjoy waiting for people who I kinda suspect would enjoy my company.

19.07.2023

I can't believe I've been going in circles since this all started.

It didn't start with me having a crush, it started with you unblocking me.

The laughter came when I made you blush.

My joy is delayed often and I get overwhelmed by happiness more easily than I do by sorrow nowadays.

I like to think I did my bit.

But there you are, as glorious as ever. I was just today anxious about this huge ball of feelings and yuck and more yuck and lovely pussy smell and boobs and feelings and yearning (for servitude?) being a side track to my feelings for him and ALAS FUCKING ALAS he was the distraction the whole time.

I literally couldn't even check if you unblocked me before rising and roaring and being (pretty loud). I was a shadow of myself.

Everything brings me back to your bedroom and I can't believe how incredible this feeling of being free to love you and NOT HURT YOU at the same time is.

I'll be your awkward toy and for that you do deserve some running around, but that's for a separate discussion, one we may never have - and it's ok.

There's a catch, tho, as this flow of juices has unfortunately damaged the ceiling downstairs and the council needs to be involved soo

Should I curse myself for this ability to experience love so deeply, so joyfully, so hornily, and so like bathing in a warm pool of bubble tea bubbles, all the while making reasonably adult plans to let you know about all this and letting you decide how to deal with this on your end. I'll be busy melting more the whole time, I know where mine goes.

I need to be brave and honest. I need to kill it just so it can make a conscious choice to respawn or not. Otherwise dimensions will collide.

I need to tell you all this.

It wouldn't be fair otherwise.

I knew I needed to write a love letter to you.

Never thought it'd be a love-love letter, tho.

Now this IS awkward.

Oh I want you so bad.

Ask yourself:

Would anais do this?