#usually i'd post anything but i'm trying to be careful on certain subjects and i hope you understand <3< /div> Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[konigsblog]

That mlmxreader blog also keeps claiming that you're sending your followers to go attack them and send death threats. They do a lot of arguing that your dark fic is not real dark fic and that you're purposely trying to trigger and retraumatise them - is what I gathered looking at a couple posts...

I think that for one, there are definitely writers who do romanticise some topics unhealthily with things such as rape/assault/torture, but I don't think you're one of those people? Like you frequently tag and keep stating that what you're writing is fiction, it's fantasy.

On that note, they keep trying to argue that CNC is the more "moral" kink to be writing vs. rape. I honestly think that rape fantasy is something people do fantasize about and can sometimes just not be CNC (bc they keep trying to pin it back to that kink). It's the fact that there's no established relationship and discussion like in most BDSM pairings where they talk about rape play. At the end of the day, you tag your works properly. I don't see much issue with writing what you want when you make sure to tag (which you do!) and are aware the subject you're writing about and its usual connotations (which you're also aware!). People can be mad and uncomfortable, but at the end of the day it's them who chose to keep talking about it. I think people need to get used to being uncomfortable on the internet. This is not a new concept and nobody here is a "hero" for anything.

Sorry I just paraphased some posts and asks with some of my own thoughts on it!

i mean, my content is supposed to be dark, it's dark content for a reason, and i'm not describing these characters to be standard; i'm writing them manipulative, vindictive, depraved, ect. i do appreciate you, anon, as you weren't rude, and instead polite. i appreciate it, my dear! 💗

i don't really care about this whole thing, but something i have never said was to send death threats. now, we don't know if they're lying – they could be – but, if they aren't, stop. i didn't tell anyone to send death threats, because i don't condone that. aside from death threats and mocking someone's trauma, i seriously don't care what you want to do. whether you don't block them, block them, whatever, they've made multiple posts directly insulting me in weird ass ways, so i couldn't really care about their immature opinion.

i'd like to point out something they said though, kinda funny, considering they've mentioned me multiple times outside of their callout post. they said they made ONE post about me with examples, that would be their callout post. but, they're not counting how they're talking about me in response to anons, or how they're mentioning me in their hashtags. it's childish. yes, you 100% have the right to not enjoy a certain kink/coping mechanism (because funnily enough, people use different ways to copes) but it's immature to name people, talk about how what i'm doing is "disgusting" or how i'm a "vile cretin" (like what lmfao 😭)

here's some screenshots of what i'm talking about when i say they've even insulted me, or made comments. this is 4/11 screenshots.

and comparing my supporters to an iof soldier... 😬 wtf is wrong with you? that's disgusting.

now, if anyone sends this to @mlmxreader, go ahead and let them know that they're not the centre of the world, them multiple posts taking about me and insulting me is immature on their end.

[rayday-mayday]

Just going to post this real quick to my blog to ward off a specific type of person rq: I don't support transid.

Never have and never will. Argue with a wall if you want to change my mind cuz you won't atp. I've tried to understand where yall are coming from, but can still find faults in your logic + ways you're genuinely harmful.

[ Rant under the cut about why I don't support transid. Fair warning: It's kind of really long ]

I don't care what justifications you have. If you genuinely feel dysphoria over not being abused, traumatized, disabled, a terrible person, or whatever else, then that's something you take up with a professional.

I am strictly anti-harm, anti-abuse, anti-violence, and just anything that causes harm to anyone at all. Even people I hate.

Transid inherently has a percentage of people in their community that want to transition, and considering that it has identities such as transnazi, transabuser, transgroomed, transPTSD, etc, I just can't support it.

You don't plan to "transition" yourself? Why aren't you calling out people who do? Just idly standing by when your community has a really harmful problem is also contributing to the problem. Your silence is a statement, especially if you're extremely active in a specific community.

Even if you don't support "transition" when it comes to harmful identities, where do you draw the line on what's harmful? I'd like to argue that transautistic is harmful. You cannot transition into being autistic. Full stop. Same with being ADHD, actually, but I won't get into that since I don't know much about ADHD personally.

But even if I don't know much about ADHD, what I can say is that both conditions are abnormalities in the way your brain functions and develops. And with that I mean the way it physically functions. You cannot wish your brain into developing at a different rate than an allistic, nor can you wish it into genuinely reacting differently to certain stimuli, or whatever other differences there are.

You also can't take any type of hormones/meds to change how your brain fundamentally develops, processes external stimuli, and/or processes the chemicals your brain is subjected to.

And just to prove that autistic brains in specific are different from allistic's: Here's a study just to prove my point.

That means that you cannot transition into being autistic no matter what, and attempting to do so will be nothing but pretend. And no, you can't liken this to transphobia. Gender is a social construct, unlike autism + your physical sex is malleable due to your physical sex being determines by what hormones your body produces and/or whatever genes you have (mutated or not.)

Then there's identities such as transnazi and transabuser or whatever. I don't care what dysphoria you have, you shouldn't have the want to harm people, and if you do then fucking seek support and professional help so you don't harm others.

Same goes for any type of transabused, transeatingdissorder, transPTSD or whatever else. Wanting to go through worse trauma is a normal reaction to having been through "mild" or ignored trauma, but actively identifying as having gone through "worse," or worse: actively trying to "transition" ( become more traumatized ) isn't okay, and only causes harm to yourself and others.

And no, bringing up BIID isn't valid either. Them having their limbs removed to cope with their dysphoria is a controversial stance/action even in professional spaces. Usually people with BIID get cognitive behavioral therapy, other types of therapy in general, or similar treatment. At most they'll suggest VR to live without having a limb, or suggest using things like crutches, but that's it.

Professional usually want to avoid a healthy limb being amputated, and similarly you shouldn't jump to "transitioning" if you struggle with any type of actual transid-related dysphoria.

There's also transrace, which I won't speak on too much since I'm very much white, but I can say that, in my humble opinion, it borders a little too close to blackface, yellowface, or whatever else. When it comes to POC wanting to transition into being white, maybe talk to a professional cuz there's most likely some trauma causing that urge.

And no, just because race is a social construct does not mean it falls under the same category as gender. Race is usually based off of physical characteristics that labels you as fx. black, asian, white, whatever.

While gender, on the other hand, is also based off of physical characteristics sometimes, but that isn't everything. Gender is more based on aesthetics you attribute to your identity, and includes abstract concepts such as certain colors (pink/blue fx.) being for girls/boys, glitter being seen as more feminine, while mud and that type of stuff is seen as more masculine etc. It also changes more drastically over time fx. men used to wear skirts/makeup/wigs a while back, but now those things are more so seen as feminine.

Even transage is problematic. Not because of predators or anything. While, yes, that is a problem, I have a different reasoning as to why I think it's problematic. And that's cuz it includes kids truly wanting to be treated as adults, and adults wanting to be treated truly as kids. Sure, adults can be treated as kids to some extent, but kids cannot be treated as adults, or as equals in general by adults, due to the fact that actually being 10, and feeling like you're 10 years old while being idfk 20, are two very different things.

Kids being treated as actual adults can lead to harm on their psyche, which they often cannot fully comprehend due to being younger. You know, since kids don't have enough life experience or impulse control to truly know what they're consenting to, what they're doing, etc.

This doesn't only apply to sexual activities and being in sexual communities, but also in regards to viewing violence, having adult responsibilities, etc.

Either way, If the plurality community, the agere community, and autistic community can understand this, then you should too. I'm mentioning autistic people due to the fact some autistic people are often seen, if not outright are, mentally less mature in some cases. But even then, we still shouldn't be outright treated as kids since we're still adults, and if we interact inappropriately with kids, then we shouldn't be excused either due to being "mentally younger."

Sorry if I was incoherent during this rant. I just wanted to shout into the void about my stance on this while also warding off transid people. Cuz honestly? Seeing people support transid frustrates me due to all the harmful things mentioned above.

[dreamsofalifeold]

♥ What's the WORST thing that has happened to you rp wise?

((HOO BOY, y'all are going to have to buckle up for this one, because it's going to be a wild ride. I usually tell the same story for this, but I have a more recent example that I honestly consider worse for how profound the impact it had on me was. I kept it bottled for months, but now I'm comfortable talking about it.

In late 2021, I made a friend in the rpc, I'll just call them friend/my friend. We hit it off really well, became super close friends nearly overnight. I added them on discord, added them to my personal rp server, they added me to theirs, and it was great. We got along like a house on fire...until around March of 2022.

We were both burned by a person we had told things to in confidence, and it really fucked us both up, but ended up kinda bringing us closer together? It was a really stressful month, but we both lost friends over it. As all of this was happening, I was the person who heard everything; this person made me their confidante, their backboard for what is and isn't acceptable behavior, and no matter what advice I gave, they didn't seem to want to listen to me.

I really cared about this person and when they complained to me about their friends not caring enough about them, not putting in enough effort into their friendships, I busted my ass trying to put in effort. Because, you know, I cared about this person. But no matter what, the effort wasn't reciprocal. It was never enough and I pretty much only got more complaints and vents in the meantime.

This person also had no conflict resolution skills and if they had a problem with something somebody in my server did, they basically used me to talk to everyone; I was their mouthpiece/shield from blame. On my literal fucking birthday, I invited them to watch a bad movie with us and they left like 10 minutes in after barely saying anything/not even talking because they felt talked over. i was the only one made aware of this and it ruined the last bit of what was supposed to be a good day. When they took a sarcastic remark from someone in the group seriously? I was the one who had to talk to the other person about it.

When they left my server, they came to me for reassurance and to make sure I didn't hate them, only to immediately insinuate that I was going to run them off tumblr/discord "just like everyone else." I ended up crying, basically having a panic attack, and we talked it out because I was trying to communicate, like a good friend. Any time we had any sort of disagreement, I was reminded how awful every single other friend group they'd been in was. I was criticized for things I didn't even do, because I should "reign my friends in better", and somehow I still didn't see that I was a frog in boiling water.

Oh, but they were always allowed to call me out for things. I apologized, I tried so hard to be better, but it always felt like another criticism was just around the corner. Not to mention their friends, who I had never spoken a cross word to, accused me of being weird/a literal robot??? because I didn't say much in their server or would repeat messages a lot. Nevermind we're both autistic and I tend to do that bc words are hard. Never got an apology for that btw.

And that brings me to December, when I wanted to do that event with my muse rediscovering herself and breaking down. This person pretty much hijacked it and made it all about how Shy sucked and was so mean to their character, it made me so sour for that entire event...I'd wanted this for a long time and hinted at it, and I should have honestly put trigger warnings on the post I made, and for that I do apologize because it was heavy subject material.

I finally told them that I was upset over how things went, and they proceeded to blame me, and say they didn't know I wanted a certain response to things, and said they "didn't know they weren't allowed to not respond" and I brought up the fact that whenever I dislike something they do, they always brought up how all their friend groups turn on them and it felt like I was never allowed to disagree. Their response?

To blame me, of course! And to point out that they're always the target of everyone else's anger and to not take any! accountability! at! all! I apologized for what I did, but did they? Not a fucking chance. They actually told me that if I was upset, I should yell at them and they'd either take it or block me. So I walked away. I said I needed space, and I promised not to tell anyone why we stopped being friends, and they told me that I "had the power to run them off of tumblr."

So I internalized that shit. I didn't tell anyone what happened, not even my closest friends. I gaslit myself into believing I was this horrible shitty person who was a bad friend and made up a reason to leave someone because I didn't like being called out for my bullshit.

And recently, a mutual of ours softblocked me, and it hit me; why am I protecting them? I can only imagine what horrible shit they told that person about me. They told me all the time about how awful and terrible everyone they knew was. Why was I expecting to be any different after they stopped being my friend?

I basically had a near nervous breakdown because of what this person put me through and while I'm not naming names, I know they like to keep tabs on people who've unfriended them in the past, so if you're reading this "friend", you know what you did and that you hurt me. I finally feel okay to talk about this, all the blaming and guilt tripping you did, and all of the nights I had to be your emotional tampon because I gave a damn about you and wanted to be there for you. I wasn't perfect, but god damn neither were you.

The moral of the story is, if someone says "but you're different", it means "jump through hoops so you can keep proving you're different, and when you inevitably get tired of how I act, I'll write you off as just like all the rest of them." The other moral is, don't protect people who hurt you, because they won't protect you.))

[wheelin-after-midnight]

06.

Is your closet disorganized?

No.

Have you ever been to Times Square?

No, I really wanna go to NY though. Babe is originally from there.

What TV shows do you watch on a regular basis?

I feel like since getting rid of cable and just streaming there's nothing I watch on a regular basis. I'll find stuff and binge it all at once. The last show I can think of that I watched again after seeing it already is You, Me, Her.

Have you ever accidentally left something valuable at a shop before?

Yeah. I accidentally left my purse in a Tim Hortons when I was there several years ago with my dad. Had my ID and debit card and everything. I didn't realize til we got halfway back to my house. We turned around and went back and the girl working in the front was an angel and took it and tucked it under the counter with her so no one would steal anything.

What makes your life remarkable?

I think my life has been the furthest thing from remarkable, honestly. But the love and connection I try to extend to others and a conscious decision to be/do different than a lot of folks around me and certain things I grew up around, that offsets some of the struggles and darkness and makes it meaningful.

Are you putting off doing anything that you really need to get done?

Not at the moment, no.

What is the last thing you scribbled down on a Post-It note?

I have no recollection of the last time I even used a post it note.

What are you currently listening to?

Whitney Houston's cover of Stevie Wonder's Love's in Need of Love Today live in Durban South Africa

How would you react in discovering your best friend was seriously obsessed with you?

Uh. That would be disappointing, to say the least. I'd either confront her or get her some professional help, depending on the gravity of the situation. Likely distance myself and cut off the friendship, too.

Do you care if your produce is organic or not?

No.

Do you have any children? If so, how old were you when you had them? If not, do you think you ever will?

I don't and I can't. It's a sore subject and I'll probably never truly get over it.

Do you eat meat?

For now, yeah. I'd like to go back to being a vegetarian eventually.

Do you get enough calcium?

Yeah. Even if not from food, I take a multivitamin.

Do you think before you act or speak?

Absolutely.

Do you have a SwagBucks account?

I have no idea what that is. << me either, sis.

Are you nosy?

Not in the least.

Do you always try on clothes before purchasing them?

No, as I never really get to go out and if I do I need help in the fitting room. I'm not always comfortable asking that depending on who I'm with. I use size charts online and usually order that way.

Is there anything in your closet with the tags still on?

Nope.

Are you happy with the size of your bedroom?

I live in a studio. No actual bedroom.

Do you add people you don’t actually know on Facebook?

I don't even add a good chunk of the people I do know on Facebook. I haven't even made a post since 2019.

What’s your favorite condiment?

Sirracha mayonnaise, regular mayonnaise, sour cream, soya sauce.

Would you even want to know how much of your life has been spent online?

Ugh, no. The digital well-being app that breaks down time spent on different apps on my devices is bad enough. I avoid looking at it as much as possible.

Do you shop at American Eagle?

No.

List 5 things you’re afraid of:

My living situation changing next year, something bad happening to my cat, my disability further deteriorating my body and affecting my ability to be independent and still have decent quality of life. Those are the big ones. I'm drawing a blank on another two.

Have you forgotten anything important recently?

Not recently, but like a month ago I forgot my keys and a neighbour had to let me into the building. Thankfully I hadn't locked the door to my actual apartment.

Would you say you’re an honest person?

Generally, yeah. I lie by omission sometimes when people ask me how I'm doing and I don't feel like going into the actual response, and I do keep a lot about myself and my personal life from my family that I don't want them to know or don't feel like I can open up to them about for various reasons - I've hid a whole entire relationship from most of them for years - for example. But yeah I don't lie for no reason or to be malicious or hurt people.

The last Facebook message you received from the opposite sex, what did it say?

It was some dumbass video my brother sent me lmao. He finds the weirdest shit. His sense of humour is.... Somethin' special, that's for sure, lmaooo.

What does the nicest message in your Facebook inbox say?

Probably Brittany saying something really sweet the last time I was sad and venting to her or my girlfriend asking what she can do the last time I was having a terrible day.

Is your best friend single?

Neither of them are. One is married. One has a boyfriend.

What color was the ink of the last pen you wrote with?

I think it was blue.

What does your pencil-case look like?

I don't have one. I found these cool ones with Whitney on them that I kind of want, though.

Where was the last place you went that was totally new to you, as in, it was the first time you’d been there?

I'm pretty sure I've not been to the Walmart we went to after we last went to the theatre. I could be wrong though.

When was the last time you used someone else’s computer?

Not in years.

Who do you dislike the most? Explain what you dislike about that person.

I don't wanna get into this right now. I'm just gonna get upset and unnecessarily raise my blood pressure, lmao.

What’s the longest you’ve liked someone without doing anything about it?

Like a year.

Do you use straightening irons on your hair? What brand?

I have some, but I hardly use them.

What’s the relationship status of the last person you talked to?

We're dating each other.

Is there anything you would like to complain about?

I'm dreading having to move next year, y'all. I do not feel good about this situation at all :/

What’s the first line of the last song you listened to?

"Don't make no difference if I'm wrong or I'm right, I got the feeling and I'm willing tonight, well I ain't nobody's angel, what can I say? I'm just that way, ehheyyy, say it, say it again."

Think of the person from your past that hurt you the most. Is there anything you would like to say to that person?

Yeah, but she wouldn't genuinely listen or care or change anything, so it doesn't matter.

Does your mom like the last person you kissed?

She doesn't know her.

Now your cell phone, what color is it?

No cell. This tablet is black and silver.

What was so special about today?

Nothing. One of my favorite podcasts drops episodes every Thursday, if that counts.

If somebody tried to steal your best friend’s boyfriend/girlfriend, what would you do?

Tell her/ask if she knew about it, then commiserate/bitch about the audacity people together/laugh it off because we know it's never gonna work out for the person trying to steal them in the end.

What was the last thing you said to your mother?

"Rubber bands for tying trash."

When was the last time you cried?

I cried myself to sleep last night.

Has anyone made you upset lately?

My mum has.

What are you looking forward to?

Seeing Wicked with Brittany next Saturday.

Does anyone completely understand you?

My Nan did, but I don't have her anymore.

Ever stayed up all night on the phone?

Yeah.

Do you miss your past?

No.

Do you have a reason to smile right now?

My cat always gives me a reason when I can't find one.

Are you a forgiving person?

It depends on the person and the situation but not usually, no. I used to be.

Do you say sorry first?

I used to, even if I didn't do anything wrong. I've gotten a little better at only doing it when warranted

Do you like cats?

I love cats, but I love mine the most. I'll see if I can figure out how to insert one of my favorite pictures of her right here.

Has someone promised you something and broke it?

Multiple people. My mother is particularly bad for getting my hopes up and crushing them just because.

Did you kiss or hug anyone today?

Nippy.

Does your phone ring in the middle of the night? It hardly rings in the daytime.

Is there anybody you’re really disappointed in right now?

Kind of.

Have you ever lost someone you wish you didn’t? .

I'll never be okay with having to do the rest of my life without my Nan.

Are you anything like you were a year ago?

Yes and no.

Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?

Many times.

Would you rather spend a day outside with friends or inside alone?

Outside with friends. I'm alone all the time.

Think back to this time last year, were you happy?

No.

Has anyone upset you in the last week?

Yes.

What should you be doing?

There's nothing I need to be doing. Anything that needed doing was done before I started this.

Describe how you feel right now in one word.

Ehhh.

What would you do if you found out one of your friends was going for the person you liked?

This would never happen, but I'd confront them about it and probably not be friends anymore. Might break up with my gf too if she had so little respect for me that she genuinely entertained being with my friend.

Do you prefer drinking water from a bottle or a sink?

Bottle. We're advised not to consume our tap water here.

Will you ever run away and get married in Las Vegas with no notifications to either of your families?

I won't be getting married, but if I could, something like that wouldn't be off the table tbh.

Have you ever thrown your iPod in anger?

I've never had an iPod.

Who did you last have a heart-to-heart conversation with?

Brittany or babe.

Do you believe that there’s good in everybody?

Absolutely not!

Has anything happened to you within the past month that has made you mad?

Oh yeah.

Would you ever get a tattoo?

I have two and want at least two more.

[reach-out-and-research]

🌐🌿Hello World! 🌿🌐

This Blog is dedicated to the Love of Learning!

My Misson: To encourage People to ask questions, and find answers! And then Share their Knowledge with others 🫂🐛

Here on this blog, you are not only Welcome but encouraged to:

•Send asks! Got a question? I'll try to help you find the answer! Already have some knowledge and want to share it too the world? I'd love to hear all about it! Just wanna say hi? Me too, HIIIIII WORLD!!

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♡ Remember there's no stupid questions, even if you just need a slight clarification! I believe no one should be shamed for trying to better themselves and learn more about our beautiful world. ♡

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♤ Don't worry about giving the [100%CORRECT] answer, even if you're wrong or off a little bit, that just means you had the chance to learn! It's always better to try and fail, then never try at all :3 ♤ PLUS! it's suppose to be a game, you can always try again tomorrow. ♤

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I believe firmly in the freedom of speech, however that does not mean freedom from consequences. There are some words and phrases that will not be tolerated unless they are clearly being used for research or respectful discussion.

Non-exhaustive list of disallowed speech:

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All in all: HAVE FUN! And don't be afraid to share your love of learning here :3

[unma]

Uh, mentions of suicide (not attempted, but considered) and suicidal ideation under the cut I guess. And lots of talk about my depression. And a bit of oversharing. Did I say this blog wasn't for venting? Well, I'm unpacking these things as I write them so please be kind with me, okay?

Still thinking about my memory and how it's gone from me being proud of remembering the most specific stuff to barely being able to remember anything past a certain point save for really specific mostly intensely painful (usually mental) periods of my life.

I don't think it's memory issues (or at least the kind where I'm simply incapable of actually recalling things or putting moments into long term memory). I just think that there isn't much for me to remember in my day to day life outside of the internet.

I spend most of my time moping around, looking forward to the day where I'll be free of everything that has plagued me. The optimism younger me had about leaving this life behind and becoming a new me is gone, replaced with a me that has accepted the reality that it would be a long struggle to get to that day that I'm happy. I already had to pull myself out of the pit that was wanting to actively end it all, and now I wallow in despair wondering if it'll happen anyway.

it was only weeks ago (or perhaps months? Time has begun to blur for me since forever ago) that I found out I had friends who were glad I wasn't dead. IRL friends, in specific, as I wasn't too open about my struggles online, for obvious reasons. I mean, I was also gone from this blog for a year or 2 due to related matters, so obviously no one online would know about any of this since I wasn't here.

Back on track, I had a classmate of mine call to see if I was still okay and doing fine. I wouldn't call him that close of a friend—he's the type of person who's an asshole on purpose but friendly enough, so you can tell when he's taking a piss and when he's being genuine, but he doesn't pull it off nearly as well as a much closer friend of mine—but he was one of the few I'd let know that I wanted to die. Even though I'd made it clear ages ago that I wouldn't ever pick up a knife, he was still glad to know I was okay. And upon mentioning that to others who knew about my woes, they all responded that they too were glad that I was doing okay. It felt nice to be cared for.

So it's a shame that the only way I can talk to any of these people is online.

There isn't much for me to look forward to offline. My family's awful, as you can probably tell from today's posts, I hate most of the people I know in church (not to mention that being agnostic and having a horrid experience with the church growing up makes that place a living hell to be in) and there's nowhere for me to go outside. Not to mention it's way too hot. No really, I tried to go for a walk outside today and didn't even make it an intersection before the sun made me turn back. And I'm the one who used to wear hoodies in the blaring sun before I moved. It's way too hot here in the summer.

Every time I try to improve something about myself, be it my posture or not spending all my time in my room, I'm reminded ever so swiftly of why I'm like this now. At some point I resolved to sit in the living room often, but every evening my dad would come home and yell about something that had gone wrong, and because I was the only one nearby I'd be the only one subject to that yelling. And then I remember the reason I never left my room was because child me realized that greeting my mom when she came home from work was never worth it because she would 100% send us to do chores. And she wondered why no one ever greeted her when she came home anymore.

There's a lot of things the internet has done to me that would make me wish I got on here when I was older. But it pales in comparison to how much good it's done for my life. How much it's shaped me into a much better.

And the fact that I'm still alive, I guess.

I think often about how my dad once told me he knew me better than I knew myself. Back then I thought "Do you know your son doesn't want to live anymore?" I still wonder if he'll ever find out. If he'll ever realize that the pressure he and my mom placed on me to get better academically, even as I was one of the best performing students and simultaneously already struggling to keep up with the stress from maintaining those scores. I wonder if they'll ever understand that the hate I feel for them is not childish rage at not getting my way—not a rage that will fade as I grow older and wiser in life—but a deep hatred that will never fade until I'm free of them forever.

I wonder if they'll ever realize that they were horrible parents. Even now they're constantly blindsided by the effects of their own bad parenting. Effects that I, the oldest child, continued to point out to them when they first showed up. Things that I very clearly told them needed to be corrected.

Perhaps the fact that I had to point out that they were failing at being proper parents to my younger sister constantly as I grew up is just another sign of my shitty upbringing. One in which I was forced to learn to be mature at a young age. To be the smart one. Above breaking the rules, above being playful and immature. Perhaps it's no wonder in the end that I simply stopped caring, when fun was something I continually had to fight for, and stress was simply the norm. Even now, as I think back on my past, most of what I remember was the time and effort I spent. How proud I was to pull an all-nighter to finish handwriting my Business Studies notes, as if my rides to school were not already spent frantically catching up on my CRS notes.

My school-assigned advisor once told me that I had to deprioritize writing to spend more time focusing on school-related work. I wonder what he'd think if he found out that writing was perhaps the main reason I decided there was still a point to life. I wonder what my mom would think when she agreed with him.

Oh well, it's not like there's a point in dwelling on that.

Point is, well, there really isn't much for me to look forward to or do, other than eat and sleep. Not to mention that most of the things I can do suck or actively make my mental health worse, which is fun.

As for the point of explaining that? Well, I think the reason I can't remember anything is because there isn't anything to remember, or at least anything good. What's the point of actually remembering things if all there is to remember is enraging conversations and anxious waits for things I dread? Perhaps the reason I don't remember much about my life is simply because I stopped having things to be happy about. Outside of the internet, anyway.

If I have any consolation, it's that I can still vividly remember a lot of my time online, where I had fun and made friends and learned to be myself. And when I put it like that, it feels pointless that I've even slightly worried that I spend too much time online, when there's no reason for me to reduce my time online.

That's all my pondering for now, I guess. Really long post, yeah, but today's event made me think about... a lot of things, I guess.

[septembersghost]

looking at my askbox, there are three separate anons there right now (two of whom have warring opinions, it really is fascinating to me how much all of our perspectives vary), and I’m not entirely comfortable posting what’s been written in full context, so forgive me for answering them in this way -

♥ anon 1: I appreciate reading your thoughts and am here for any and all discussion, angsty, angry, warm, or otherwise, so please know you can speak your mind. the one thing I won’t do is publicly post character hate (except for that one time I ranted about that one character, but we don’t talk about that >___>). and this is just a me thing, really! everyone is free to say and do whatever they want on their own blogs, especially grappling with this like we all are, it’s understandable! 

my stumbling block with it is multifold. for one, when I actively, publicly participate in that negativity on my own page, it seeps into the little crevasses of my brain and begins to leech away my enjoyment of the story. this might not matter so much if I weren’t still braving a rewatch, but since I am, I’d rather...not focus on specific character dislike (since I can’t help but thrash around when the writing itself slashes at my wounds), and just be at home for a while. in truth, my very obvious bias notwithstanding, this really is a story where I care about SO many of the characters for different reasons, even despite the times when they might upset me, and I’ve been seeking reminders of that when possible. this doesn’t mean I don’t want to hear what you have to say or that it isn’t valid! the absolute raw nerve posts that I have here from the worst part of the breakdown were cathartic/necessary, but I’m trying to cope in a less damaging way atm.

the second reason, and the larger one (from me and my overly sensitive heart) is that I know I have mutuals/followers who might love a certain character, and I know how hurtful it can be to see one of your favorites attacked, and I never want to add to that hurt. heaven knows I can be critical and aching and mad too, things I’ve written here certainly indicate that, friends that have sat through my bitter rantings know it too lol, and I’m not denying that at all, but since this is such a tiny haven for me, I want it to be safe for other people as well. I’d tell you we can rant all day in private messages, but I know you want to stay anonymous and I respect that. 💚 so I’ll listen any time! 

♥ anon 2: you wrote, in part: “Just had a dive into your dean takes & fell in love with every single one,” and I need you to know that means the world to me. then you explain why you can’t follow me, and that’s fine, please take care of yourself first. I’m very sorry you’re suffering. even though our grief is different, it stems from the same place of abiding love and I empathize with your hurt.

you concluded: “alas I will love you + your dean love from afar until some of these wounds heal & the bitterness fades. Take care, dear heart.” I hope with time some of those wounds and that bitterness does fade for you (I hope that for all of us), because it causes me such deep sorrow knowing this story was taken from anyone who found themselves or a consoling/worthwhile place along its road. thank you for your kindness, you can always stop by and visit if you want to, and I’m sending soft wishes back to you. 💙

♥ anon 3: who sent me a bunch of rather specific little ficlets...that was unexpected, but I appreciate the distraction? phew. (and then the last one made me cry my eyes out?! love my boy so, so much.) 💖 thank you.

also to beautiful friends who have sent me non-anon messages, I am SO sorry for being bogged down and behind (as ever), colliding real life factors have not been helping me with keeping on top of things, but please remember you’re treasures, and even when I’m bad at responding, I’m here for you.

my blog’s metaphorical garden gate is always open, and I’m sending love to each of you.

[ramblings-of-a-mad-cat]

why are you liking shipping posts made by proshippers? do you agree with their mindset or something? because that actually makes me lose respect for you ngl. although maybe i shouldn’t be surprised if you do seeing how you tolerate in*es*, and shown you like problematic ships such beatrice/mc or at the very least tolerate that kind of thing too seeing how you’ve told ppl who ship bea with mc and their classmates that “it’s cool” and you’re not judging. not to mention the fact that you’ve said stuff about how it being fiction “makes all the difference” to you or whatever. so yeah it really sounds like you’re a proshipper in the making unfortunately. idk how you can be “neutral” in something like this, you either agree with those freaks or you don’t, it’s not that hard.

...

*Deep sigh*

Okay, let's talk about this some more.

Friend, I understand your concerns, but I think you're kind of veering off and going in a completely different direction than me. You may be forgetting what I've explicitly said about this subject in the past (it's also possible that you never saw these posts, I realize that.) but I've never been a Pro-shipper and I'm not really one "in the making" either. I'm sad to have lost your respect (I got several anons who said something similar, so...ouch, but, it is what it is.) But I don't think you've got the right estimate of my feelings on this subject, nor of how invested I actually am. More than anything, I'd rather just stop talking about it. I can't remember, which post was it that I liked? I need to go back through my liked posts as I mostly just "like" posts to anchor them so I can return to them later, usually to reblog them but sometimes just because I don't have time to read them. Either way, I sort of doubt it was a 100% Pro-shipping post? Even if it was, I may have just had an idea to reblog it with my own take in the tags?

Regarding Neutrality

How can I be neutral? Easily. Being neutral is the easiest damn thing in the world, especially if you have no stake in the conflict (and are otherwise terrified of conflict as I am) and if you don't think it's a conflict that particularly matters. Which, yeah, I don't, sue me. I don't think there's anything immoral about remaining neutral either. I have heard it said before that neutrality in the face of oppression is, itself, siding with the oppressor. But first of all, no. Choosing neutrality may be cowardly in certain situations, and it's definitely not compatible with being an ally. But it is not "siding with the oppressor" because by definition, you are not choosing a side. That's what neutrality means, and people might have various reasons for doing it. Trying to erase that choice isn't helpful. "You either agree with these freaks or you don't." I am always wary of ultimatums like that, because a lot of situations aren't that simple for everyone.

Now all that said, that doesn't mean that I think people should choose neutrality in the face of oppression or injustice. They shouldn't. But onto my second point. This isn't one of those debates where staying out of the fight could reasonably be considered cowardly. At the end of the day, it's just shipping, and no, I truly don't care who people want to ship. Is fiction affected by reality? Are these ships truly no concern because they're fictional characters, or does this set a dangerous precedent? Dude, I don't know. I'm not a psychologist or sociologist or anything like that. I'm just a random cat on the internet who likes to analyze the storytelling and characters of the fiction I consume. I am a dork, not a professional. But because I don't know, I'm not going to take up arms for the stance that fiction affects reality, nor will I for the side that it doesn't.

Do some of these ships disgust me? Yes, they do. But the people who ship the problematic pairings aren't going to stop just because Antis on the internet tell them to. They're just going to block you and move on. (Which is...probably what you should do with them, really.) Several anons took issue with my addressing the people who ship Beatrice x Anyone in MC's year (for simplicity I'll just refer to them as Pro-shippers from here on out.) without judgement...but I think some of these anons forgot or didn't notice what I was saying to the shippers, which was asking them to tag properly. I was asking them to keep their content separate from everyone else's. Yes, I was polite about it, so? Approaching them politely is, most likely, the only way they would hear what I have to say. At least, I'd say it's more likely they'd listen to that over another person calling them pedophiles.

Ah yes, that reminds me. No less than three anons called me a pedophile for "supporting" the pro-shippers. Which uh...yeah, thanks for that. Look, I know your hearts are in the right place, and in a way, I really do respect that. But pedophilia is a real and serious danger. It's one of the lowest evils that the human race has ever spawned. In my opinion, it's the lowest, surpassing racism, misogyny, and all the rest. So, yeah, it's not just some all-purpose word that I would slap onto any ship that makes me uncomfortable. Not unless I felt like said ship actually was a depiction of adults preying on minors. Beatrice and MC are both teenagers. Is it creepy to ship them at their current ages? Of course it is. (I'm not sure anyone actually does that but either way.) But is it pedophilia? No...it's really not. In general, I think the reaction to some of these ships is overblown, and I don't think that's unreasonable, nor does it mean I'm "siding" with the pro-shippers.

In general, a lot of people took also took issue with my saying that "Shippers gonna ship" and called it a rather poor excuse. But I wouldn't say it was an excuse...it was more of an observation? My stating a fact about the way of fandoms? I wasn't saying that it was a good thing. As far as fandom communities go, shipping is a force of nature at this point. Nothing will ever stop it. This includes the people who favor the problematic ships. That doesn't mean I don't wish that these ships were never conceived. For a lot of them, I could truthfully say that the fandom would be better off without them. (...side-eyes sn*rry..) but I'm not looking to tell anyone else how to enjoy their favorite stories, because I'm a stranger on the internet. They're not going to listen to me, why should they? It's just not a fight that I'm interested in even having.

I have no doubt that you're a good person, anon. But I'm still not sure what I've done to offend you. I don't even want to get involved in this debate, and yet somehow, everyone wants me to have an opinion and they all want it to be the same as theirs.

[sunfoxfic]

Okay so I have a come across a lot of stuff in the last half and hour and I just want to about it

I came across a lot people being tired of people vague posting about them, and some even leaving the fandom.

Now, I will be frank here. I have vague posted before. I haven't dropped names (which makes me uncomfortable because Idc about WHO says it, WHAT they say is what makes me mad and vaguepost).

This is just my opinion and maybe it is wrong, but I think as long as we are not going into who posted the thing, or just saying "X person is stupid for saying this!" And point at a particular person, vague posting can be relieving. Of course, when you are at the recieving end of it, it is anything but relieving and it makes you upset, but on the other hand it is somewhat better than going and arguing with the person who is definitely not going to change your or their mind.

Or if you are like me - I hate arguements. I come here to have a good time and vibe, not to debate about stuff. Of course, critical thinking is mandatory, and I know to spot problematic elements. But I don't like getting involved in the, "Was this a good writing decision?" Sort of debates because 1. I don't know anything about writing, I lack experience and I can't judge, and 2. I just don't really...care?

In this sort of cases, I'd just rather vaguepost about the post which made me super mad and let it all out. And usually I even delete it before anyone else sees it.

Fandom is a place to have fun. People are going to have different opinions than me, and they may disagree with me. And when someone disagrees so much, it comes off as defensive, but they may just have thought about the counter argument for ages. Maybe they just coincidentally posted it after I posted your post. That doesn't make it vague posting.

Sure, vague posting maybe isn't something I would call nice. But sometimes it becomes stop hard to keep it all in. Sometimes it starts affecting you. Letting it out actually makes it easier to forget.

It's just that I saw people being too upset about the fandom being so "defensive" and basically saying: Vague posting is BAD! But it sometimes helps me and I just...what are your thoughts on this?

Let's ignore for a moment that I maintain a not-unsizeable vaguepost tag myself. A couple weeks ago, a blog I follow and I were in conversation on a Discord server, and I said something. Less than an hour later, they vagueposted about the same topic of the thing I'd said, complaining about not-really what I'd said but kinda what I'd said. It was clearly not a coincidence.

You wanna know what I did?

I DM'd them. I said, "Hey, was this thing about me? I'm sorry if what I said upset you. I understand why you interpreted my words that way but I agree with you and I'll try not to make it sound that way next time." And we handled it civilly. I agreed with this person, and now I'm going to be more careful with my words on the subject, because I didn't realize how upsetting what I said could be, and I was wrong. They explained that it wasn't really about me, that what I said reminded them of someone else who they really didn't like, and that they were glad I was considering their words.

I maintain a consistent vaguepost tag on here because I make vagueposts all the time and I know people may want to filter them out of their dash.

In the past (less so this month than months prior, but that's the exception, not the rule) I've been really loud about ML fandom salt. And sometimes that means vagueposting about certain blogs or certain creators. Because I'm not going to speak up about (random fanartist living off of Patreon) or (fan writer who has a day job as a receptionist) the same way I'm going to speak up about Astruc, or Zag, or one of the actors on the show, or whoever. It's not the same and I refuse to callout someone so blatantly.

And yeah, anon, I think that fandom should be a place to have fun, and the assumption that if you aren't constantly kicking and screaming and arguing against the terrible horrible things that go on in canon and the fandom is a super bad faith assumption. You don't have to constantly talk about being a good person to be a big person. And I drafted a post which I won't be posting until next month because I'm not posting fandom salt this month (with the exception of asks, of course) but the gist of it was: "There are way too many people in this fandom who will salt the show then turn around and maintain the status quo of a canon that they hate, and that's fucking hypocritical."

If you're going to complain about how racist it was for Marinette to be designed with blue eyes, then stop drawing/describing her with blue eyes! Which, you know, is a thing that people do, but the vast majority of people who do it don't draw attention to the way they do it. Or if you're going to complain about lack of LGBTQ representation, and how Marcnath and Julerose were done so dirty? Then you better be creating Marcnath and Julerose content, because if you're not, then you're complaining about canon while doing the exact same thing as canon.

Some people will die on the hill that canon is horrible terrible no good very bad and that if you don't constantly talk about it you're just as horrible, and then they'll.... make fanworks that are just as bad as canon for the same reasons, but it's okay that according to their own logic it's sexist/racist/homophobic/etc. because they're just copying canon.

So yeah, I fully believe that you don't have to be constantly debating, loudly, about the merits of every piece of canon and fanwork that you see, and in general, I find that the people who are loudest about that are typically not the people who are actually challenging the way they use canon in their fanworks. And yeah, I'm vagueing some people by saying that; what are they gonna do, cry about it?

If anyone tells you that you shouldn't vaguepost, then just block them and move on. Maybe unfollow the person who put that post on your dash, or see if it was tagged in any particular way that you can filter out. Because constantly involving yourself in discourse doesn't make you a better person, and you have nothing to prove to strangers online.

(Though, I will say that there's something to be said about keeping your venting about strangers online private. There's one fuckwad in this fandom that my non-ML friends all know about because I've complained about him so goddamn much to them. Keeping negativity out of the fandom is a valid thing to strive for, and I'm not saying you shouldn't vaguepost on any moral ground, but I am saying that this month has forced me multiple times to post positivity in lieu of negativity, and I don't think that's a terrible mindset to have, especially when it comes to how you're spreading negativity to other people.)

[moondustaeil]

𝐫𝐞:𝐦𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐚𝐠𝐞.

↳ Ambrosia's not-so-happy life update.

trigger warning, this post includes: weight loss, food, calorie counting, disordered eating habits, suicide, insecurities, fears.

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟏: 𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐢𝐭, 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐢𝐭?

As I contemplate whether I should make an earnest post look as aesthetic as possible, my eyes are tearing up to Lee Chansub's "Gone". Therefore, this chapter gets named after his lyrics.

Since when was it? It's a question that crosses my mind after deciding on the chapter name, even though I'm well aware of the number of days that have passed. Each day I write that significant number in my journal, but there must be more than the pen can write. Beyond my awareness: there must have been a certain amount of time spent on a prologue to pen down the event that ultimately led to this chapter.

Since where was it? There could be multiple meanings behind the question, but I can only formulate a limited answer despite the openness. As far as I'm in charge of this story, there is no why or where. Yes, I quite literally woke up one day and decided to go on a diet, simple as that. Before that day, dieting never crossed my mind: I never saw my body as too much or myself as too little compared to others. Can you understand now why I think a prologue was written for me and not by me?

Anyhow, let's have a look at how I think I experienced my life before the diet. Sometimes I think I don't even remember how I experienced the last moments of it, but that doesn't mean I don't know how it went. My life before the diet was pretty plain: I didn't engage in any social or physical activities and spent most of my time behind my laptop to write or lurk around on YouTube. Eating-habit-wise, I never ate much: three meals a day with occasional snacks, those snacks probably covering more calories than my meals did. Despite eating calorie-covering snacks, I would have given my all for fruit and vegetables, especially frozen fruit. Back then, I already had significant eating habits: I'd eat nuts when I was stressed, drink smoothies while studying for exams, eat sour sweets when I was bored. My body before the diet wasn't that noteworthy: I maintained the same weight for around three years and only ditched my tight jeans because covid had me feeling too lazy to wear them. A youth like this might sound boring to you, but I gladly lived my life like this and, I don't regret the way I spent it.

I can still recall up to two days before it began: I can tell the contents of those days like I was the supporting cast instead of the main character, simply because I can't remember the emotions. The two last days were spent behind my laptop, waiting for the exam results while eating spicy nuts (to keep the stress level low). When the exam results came, and I realised I passed them all, I must have felt relieved. But in my memory, I didn't and don't feel anything at all concerning my exams. And that's where it stops. I don't even know where it starts again.

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟐: 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐈 𝐰𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐮𝐩 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐧𝐨 𝐦𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐲

It quite literally feels like I woke up with no memories of the first days of the diet: I can recall what I ate, but not what I did or felt.

On the first day, I drank a strawberry oat smoothie for breakfast. It was my first self-made smoothie which was convincingly delicious compared to the bought smoothies I used to have. That same day, I stopped eating snacks: unknowingly, I restricted them and wouldn't allow them for the months after.

That paragraph is all I remember from the first day, and if I were to write one about every day of that week, it would be less each day. Maybe those days just weren't memory-worthy enough as I don't want to search for a reason behind every single thing.

For approximately twenty-eight days after the first one, I have no recollections. The only way I can reflect on those days is by checking my calorie intake and physical activity. Though, it doesn't feel like I was the one who tracked it.

The first proper recollection I have is of a day I ate 180 calories for the first time: a number I can only wonder about now. Though it was my first time having such a low intake, it wasn't the last or lowest. The number 180 seemed to attract me as in the days that followed, 180 would be the maximum amount of calories I'd consume. Back then, I had no idea what TDEE or BMR (of any of the other terms) were, so I can't tell you what my deficit was. But I would burn around 1200 calories a day by exercising, and that should be enough to raise red flags.

From that point on, even though I was probably slowly killing myself, I felt alive. A growing obsession with food, weight loss and exercise was fueling my mind. While my body was left behind, trying to catch up with the pace. If I didn't lose more than 1 gram overnight, I'd starve myself the next day. If I felt too lazy to exercise, I'd punish myself for being lazy by doing more. My weight dropped a lot, up to the point where the scale sometimes seemed to skip numbers.

Then a parent swap came: I would be staying with my dad for two weeks. In advance, I had already figured out everything I thought I needed to know: how I would skip meals without him finding out, at what times I could exercise without him knowing, where I could throw away the food he thought I would eat. The day I packed my bag and left for his house, my plans turned into action.

The two weeks there went as smooth as I planned them to go. Even with bonuses: he worked up to three days a week and did not question it when I didn't eat. In those two weeks, I would replace kpop videos with programs I used to despise: supersize versus superskinny and mukbangs. The videos would satisfy my hunger in some way, even though they caused me to start nailbiting. I wouldn't eat: I would only watch as others fed themselves.

Since I lost the initial subject I wanted to discuss in this chapter (I'm so sorry), I shall be moving on to the next chapter.

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟑: 𝐡𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐨? 𝐃𝐢𝐝 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐞𝐚𝐭?

It was at this point that people were starting to notice things that I hadn't. Sometimes those things were appearance-related and, other times it was personality-related or even habit-related.

It started with a compliment from my aunt, and I felt like I was glowing when she mentioned my visible jawline and thin face. Maybe I was slightly disappointed that she noticed the facial changes before my body but, at the same time, she noticed a difference!

After her, people started commenting on my body, and I worked more to achieve those comments. I saw them as comments rather than compliments: I didn't tire myself out starting from 5:20 am every day just to receive a meaningless compliment. I wanted people to take notice.

And, they did. People that directly surrounded me were starting to notice things that I failed to see. Mostly stuff that changed about my personality while my body was changing. My mother told me that I became the opposite of easy-going and friendly when others were around. My sister told me that my facial expressions had gone even further than my usual resting bitch face. My nephew said that all I would do was try to end up in arguments with others and that he didn't like being around me anymore. It hurt to have all of those things said, but at the same time, I was too in denial to care. The only thing I cared about was food, exercise and losing weight.

On rare occasions, I became aware of the person I became. Mostly when others would try to reach me by calling or coming over but I was too busy to talk to them, and if I did, I would talk about food-related things only. So, I shut everyone out.

I no longer talked to my friends daily, wouldn't reply to my parents sending me messages, didn't go on social media unless it was to look at food or triggering images.

The world consisted of me and was ruled by my obsession.

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟒: 𝐈 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐧𝐞𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐞 𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐯𝐞

There is an unknown amount of time that settles itself between the previous chapter and this chapter. During this time, I once again feel like I'm just a supporting character: my habits develop and my obsession rules over everything I do.

Many of the things I did (which already wasn't a lot, to begin with), were based on stuff I said already. Though even more refined and obsessive.

When I closed my eyes, sleep would take me to dreams about food and weight loss. Approximately three times a night, I would open my eyes, assume it was morning and get ready for another day of exhaustion and starvation. Those nightly hours are still engraved in my mind and current habits: 12:00 am, 3:20 am, 5:28 am.

It is in this chapter that a slow awareness creeps up on me. The side effects are what wakens me when everything else consumes me: constant thoughts about food, the inability to sleep, not being able to think or focus, drifting from reality, always feeling cold, tingling headaches, not leaving the house for days unless it's for shopping (because I would look at food I couldn't eat).

"I need to stop," I told myself while I wrote in my journal how much better I would be if I lost some more weight because the scale is tempting me.

I didn't want to stop. I just wanted it to stop.

Though in reality, I had no control to stop myself or it. I had lost control long ago, and to this day, I still have no idea at which chapter I left it behind. Some days I thought of how to stop, but the exit sign was more like a full-stop as it led me to think of killing myself: it would make my family stop commenting on my condition and could give me a sense of freedom even though I would be dead.

It surely wasn't the first time I passed that exit sign in life, but it was the first time I felt determined to pass it by. All I wanted was to be able to sleep peacefully without thinking of food. *Snort*, such high standards.

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟓: 𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐛𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐦𝐬 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧 𝐦𝐲 𝐝𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐦𝐬

Unexpectedly, a good dream did cloud over my bedroom. Even though it was simple, it's one of the dreams that I hope to keep in my memory forever. And for laughs, I'll share it.

TO1-member Donggeon was standing near my garage but, my mother's car wasn't in the driveway because she wasn't home. I was standing outside with him while he talked with Wei's Donghan (who was invisible to me). They were having a casual conversation in Korean. Then, he wanted to lean against the car that wasn't in the driveway, causing him to fall on all fours. He laughed at his stupidity and, at the same time, his ears were getting red from embarrassment.

That pretty much sums up the first not-food-related dream I had during my entire journey. And I still remember waking up at 3:20 am, laughing: it was stupid and silly but left such a big impression on me. And that's when I told myself: "I need to recover".

It sounds silly but I still, to this day, think that this dream set me off into recovery mode. Even though I felt like I had no control, I tried to take control: calculated a number of calories that I surely had to eat each day, planned Thursday to be my active rest-day, found less intense workouts to do in the morning, tried to replace the mukbangs in my watch later list by relaxing videos or recovery videos, scheduled to journal every day. Though I told myself I would do those things, it wasn't easy to put my words into action.

Yet, I fucking did it.

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟔: 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐤 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐭𝐚𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐦𝐲 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐧

Not going to lie: I spent all night wondering how I was going to write this and all morning putting it into proper words. Hence, the reason why I'm feeling exhausted: too exhausted to continue writing it even though the blooming period is so close. So instead of giving a lecture on recovery: I will try to give my opinion on recovering and how I'm doing these days.

Each day, I still question whether I'm truly in a recovery of something. I never went to see a professional or verbally admitted to my problems, so I never learned whether I'm recovering from something or just making progress after a downfall. I might be familiar with the use of DSM-4 and DSM-5 but, that doesn't mean I'm qualified to judge on whether I had/have a disorder or not. Yet, I opt to use the terms disordered eating and recovery until I'm sure of what it was that I went through.

Some days it feels like I was faking all of it, but then I realise, how was I faking it while I was going through it and experiencing it? Perhaps some of you reading even think I am faking all of the above, but that's your opinion. I don't need to defend myself for feeling things.

Now, I'll update you on where I'm standing today because I guess I wrote six chapters in order to get to this point. We all know I like to write more than necessary.

⋅ My disordered eating habits and calorie intake: I have made quite some progress (even if I say so myself). Each week, I challenge myself to increase my calorie intake by 100 until I reach my maintenance calories. It isn't as easy as it sounds because by the time I actually dared to increase by ten calories, the week is over, and I have to adjust my goal because I wasn't even able to reach close to where I planned to be. This week my goal is to eat 800 calories a day: a number that unexpectedly is paired with a lot of guilt and fear, so I haven't been able to eat that amount yet. The maximum I've eaten is 641 calories a day. Together with that, I also promised myself to eat one fear food or not-eaten food a week: that way, I hope to stop restricting myself and learn to enjoy them again. Some lasting habits I developed: I fear eating too early and will try to push back eating as late as I can because it gives me the feeling that I can enjoy it for longer but I do have strict hours, I cut everything into mini pieces because it gives me the feeling that I have more to nibble on and more to enjoy, I read every single nutrition label multiple times (in the store and at home) because I fear that it might include too many calories or fat, I don't eat anything that I didn't plan and nothing that I can't track calorie-wise, I eat the same thing for breakfast every day because I feel like it's the only food I can trust. The urge to skip meals or lie about them is getting smaller, but the thought always remains in the back of my mind.

⋅ My weight: I'm at a weight that is still considered healthy according to whoever feels qualified to judge. However, I fear gaining weight every single day, which stops me from eating my weekly allowance. Despite eating more than at the start of this: I still lose weight. The weight loss fuels the bad habits once more, but I try to tell myself that my weight is only to indicate whether I'm close to my maintenance calories or not.

⋅ My body: my body kept most of its side effects inside until I started to recover aside from the ones that I've stated before. Yesterday was the first day that I didn't feel cold despite wearing a shirt only, so that was a win for my body. However, I do have constant headaches, get blackouts often and, I easily feel my energy draining whenever I do a little bit too much (which I didn't always feel when I was actively doing it). That being said, my abilities have definitely decreased: you can read what kind of exercise I do in the next paragraph, but it has decreased a lot because I will feel weak sooner than before.

⋅ Exercise: I am between struggling and not struggling with it. The reason why I started to exercise was to burn more calories than I ate. But back then, I had no knowledge of BMR and whatnot. These days I do a lot less impactful exercise than I did before, but I still exercise each day: I do 96 minutes of stationary cycling a day, go on daily walks and have the obsession to take steps whenever I'm standing still. As you might be able to tell, I feel like I'm on the line of having control here.

⋅ My personality/social life/hobbies: even though I was in denial about my changing personality for a long while, I eventually realised that people were right when they said I changed. The realisation came during recovery, mostly because I noticed how I was in a better mood than when I was at my lowest point. My social life is building up slowly and doesn't always include me having to talk about my weight loss or food, though people always mention it so, I do always end up having to talk about it without wanting to. As for hobbies, I found my interest in kpop and writing again but, it's still at a somewhat moderate level. I still find myself lurking at food-related posts or triggering things, but I can control myself better and watch some positive videos instead. Aside from that, I journal every day: I write down what I ate, my physical activity, what I saw as memorable in my day, and more.

𝐞𝐧𝐝 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞

That's pretty much all for the life update. I still left out a lot that I failed to remember while writing or felt too tired to write about, and I bet not a lot of you are interested in any of this anyway. I just felt like I owed everyone an explanation of where I've been and why I haven't been reblogging much or writing.

As I've stated a few times before, I don't know yet when I will get back into writing or posting content. And the past months made me realise that it might be good for myself if I take some time away from Tumblr: I won't be able to look for triggering content, won't be able to trigger anyone else on accident and can focus on working towards my goals.

I hate the word hiatus but I think this means that I will be going on semi-hiatus. On good days, I might still come here to talk to my mutuals or reblog some kpop content that I enjoy. But other times, I probably won't respond or interact much as I'm logged out.

For now, my semi-hiatus will continue until mid to end September. This might be shortened or extended depending on my progress and my personal needs.

Have a lovely day, moonflowers! 💌

[wrongwiredmind]

Before I start saying anything I'd like to warn that the content of this post is both gore and contains suicidal thoughts, if any of that triggers you, please do not read, I care about whoever is reading but I can't hold any responsibility for anything that might follow, stay safe, and remember that no matter what, what comes next in your life will be better, one way or another.

This post is rather long, but that's kinda the point of this page, here we go, then.

So, I had almost my weirdest dream to date, right now, and then I thought, to heck with it!! Let's share something!

So first of all, I need to set some points straight before writing so it might explain a few things, hopefully, without giving a lot away about my personality:

(I have no idea how to put them on order, so they're pretty much a mumbo jumbo. Ah~ My favourite type of writing~. Kidding, of course, I actually prefer reading well written stories and articles)

Anyhow:. 1- I have a really deep unexplainable fear of the vast beast called an ocean (or a sea, or really anytype of deep water), I still go to the beach and pools and whatever, but there's always some sort of an icy grip tightening around my non-existent heart.

2- I love IronMan! So so much, and I kinda adopted Tony Stark!! (no one tell him, please!).

3- my adoration of a certain supernatural series made me love batman! (well, not entirely true, I always loved him, but kinda from afar, you get me?)

4- want me to get hooked on something? Give me a fanfic of it!! (of course like a series or a book, not a substance, you bad bad people!!), that's how I loved Bilbo!! (imagine me saying it in my adorable voice, the one I use when I try to sound cute 😉)

5- I binge read a certain fanfic about those two amazing superheroes saving the world, and themselves!! (I refuse to give up the name since if you think this is me oversharing? You've got another thing coming, honey!) that had a cruise and another prototype of the IronMan suit (don't ask which mark it is but it's so fast it broke the sound barrier!!)

6- I'm a little bit under the weather, (not corona, folks!) and my throat is kinda itchy, to the point that I lost all my vocal prowess for a little more than 24 hours a few days ago, still kinda annoying, and my stomach rebelled so much yesterday (before and during sleeping) that I thought she should take the rebellion symbol from Mr. Che Jivara!! (with all due respect to him, I'm only joking, so please no one takes it seriously).

7- I'm a little bit of a spacetoon (and all that's good and beautiful in our childhood) encyclopedia, want a name of a cartoon or a song you can't remember? I'm usually your best bet, after the second mother, google, of course!!

8- this week is so dead that if you want to see zombies come to our lectures any time in it, seriously we're so under a lot of exams, thank God and the doctors for postponing our tasks and assignments' due-date.

9- if I was a little more of an extrovert I might not have had to write most of these strange snippets about me in a freaking post!!!

And finally, on with the dream! (another thing you probably know by now, that I kinda take you around and under and left and right before I say what I want to say).

So, it was an assignment to some sort of subject (don't ask me which, since as far as I know, not a single thing in our curriculum will make me do what I'm about to do here, or at least, I hope so!!!), we made some type of fall-body suit that needed analysing (who am I kidding, it was the IronMan suit!!), and guess who was picked as a pilot? That's right! Yours truly!!

Anyway, good thing to bad, we had to make the prototype test in the middle of the (as I said above) the vast beast! Mr. Oceanus (I know that that is a Mr. Titan, but who am I, the lowly mortal, to deny his decision to appear in my paragraphs? And no, he didn't show up in the dream, thank God! [ours, not any of the others]),

So, I was put in the cruise, in the middle of the ocean, with the IronMan suit, and a seriously sick stomach, can you guess where we're going with this? (I'm actually kinda enjoying writing this since it reminds me of a certain mad superhero/not superhero who finally joined the XMen!, of course he joined a few years ago but I only watch the second movie circa a month ago) no? let me tell you, a bit of dizziness, seasickness, and an already rebellious stomach? Not a good combination, and remember that I really, really fear the ocean (just remembering the dream and the images in my head is traumatising, let alone living it vividly for a few hours), so, I fell, and strangely enough, I was a good swimmer (ah~ I really count my blessings here since no matter who or when someone taught me to swim, I still can't manage), I was able to stay close to the ship, but couldn't really pull myself up, so all I could do was keep a good hold on a rope tied around the ship and keep my legs in a calculated, slow what feels like a walking-in-place exercise,, (I can still feel the water around me, and the gentle waves of the ocean, it was both a calming feeling and a horrible one) and then...

Something touched the soles of my feet, and it kinda hurt, and it continued to move under me till something hit my toes, it was a shark fin, that's right, a shark choose me as his next meal, how honoured I was!!! Kidding i was kinda terrified, but all that YouTube survival videos came to mind, I left the rope of the ship and kinda dipped under water (triple scare, here, yikes!) and I... pushed.. his muzzle?

Yeah, so not really what they taught you in the videos, my polite nature rears its ugly head again (politeness is not as good as it seems, people! actually once a stray dog entered our home and jumped on the couch, and I was asking nicely and politely if "Mr. Dog would pretty please leave us be", and no, I wasn't scared but mom told me not to touch it, and it kinda was a cute, if a mangy mutt)

I didn't really want to punch the shark, even if my life kinda depended on it here, for a few reasons and actually at least one of them was pretty reasonable, which is, my punch is pretty weak, guys!!

Anyway, of course since its skin kinda scratched my feet there was blood, so it didn't leave me alone, two things I concluded here, first, Mr. Shark was either a lazy guy since he was coming to me slowly as if he either was a giant cat coming for pets no matter how many times you push her, or he was playing with his food, aka, me.

The second thing I discovered was that I was really sick in real life since my imagination couldn't conjure another family member of my guest here (again with the small mercies, can you imagine being alone around all these carnivores? And I bet not all of them will be moving so leisurely!!)

So, I finally decided to be the champ of my cruise and punch the thing in the face, so I pulled up all the power I can in my fist and punched him in his snout!!!

And let me tell you, it's not as easy is they make it sound, first, his nose is actually pretty hard, not the sensitive area they led us to believe, second, my hand really hurt and his skin scratched my knuckles, and I believe it kinda broke a bone in my hand, third, and worse, it actually enraged the mister so much that it left me, J-squared again and this time, flew! in my direction and I swear I still feel his teeth sinking in the shin of my right leg, but before he tore it apart, I actually did the right thing to defend myself, I (and I apologise, Mr. Dream shark, but you really hurt both my leg and my feelings!!) poked his eyes, which made for a very awkward stretch to my body, but finally, I was left alone!! With a mangled leg, of course, but hey!! It's not real life, so let's be glad.

The saltwater stinging my feet, still sick, and more dizzy from blood loss, you have no idea how glad was I that I was still near the ship, a little bit more than a meter but still floating, and then, the bad became worse, I actually goT SWALLOWED WHOLE BY A WHALE!!!!!!!!, YUP!! THE WHALE IN THE PICTURE!!!

And then god with his mercies again, it swallowed the ship but opened his mouth for me to leave, neat, ain't it?

But let me tell you what happened in a little more details, I felt a ripple in the water beneath and around me, and the ship started to sway, and a faint sound of something between a roar and strange song-like-sound, feeling the rumble under me was what made me look, and lo and behold!! The mighty animal wanted the meal that the shark didn't get, bye bye world!! Bye bye the suit that I still didn't to get to wear! And bye bye the report I needed to write for this freaking assignment that because of it I might fail and my friends will rail me when they see me!!

The ship and I couldn't help but enter the mouth of the humongous fish, the sounds of the wood, metal, glass and whatever is the cruise was made of was deafening, so loud and cruel, and I got a more than a few bruises and abrasions, and the feel of his teeth behind my back, sharp and huge and bigger than my own size, was something I don't know how to describe, and suddenly between all the breaking and suffocating water and absolute darkness, something caught my eyes, the slits in the helmet of the suit were lit, I'm sure it was a malfunction because of all the destruction on Mark, but it took all my fear, as if sucking it from my own eyes, and as sudden as it glowed, it vanished, but the calm remained, I closed my eyes, since it didn't matter, and just stopped everything, even trying to hold my breath, but not breathing as well, as if all body functions just... Stopped.

And then my eyes flew open again, not because I woke up, but because of an almost crushing change in the water pressure, it just pushed me forward more inside the huge mouth, and when I thought that this is it, I found the whale mouth moving further away from me, taking the ship and Mark with it, and leaving me alone, in the middle of the ocean that I wanted to say "c'mon!! If you ate me it'll be a win-win situation!!!!" but the second I opened my mouth water rushed inside that I tried swimming up to breath (even though not knowing which way is up was problematic, since something similar happened in real life before I wasn't worried, but that's a story for another time), breaking the surface was a godsend, I tell you! But my misery wasn't in any way over, I was so thirsty I actually wanted to drink salt water a again (and then death, oh wow, how smart?), and once the adrenaline deserted me, my leg returned to trying to kill me, and I don't know if it was a real thing if it happened in real life but it actually stopped bleeding, which was both fantastic, since it means that I won't die of bloodloss, and horrifying since I'm not going to die because of bloodloss, at least then I would have been able to calculate an approximate time for my death, but no, I have to wait and see what kills me next, I almost wished that I just had my previous stomachache and be done with.

Anyway, moving was not really an option, and staying was not either, and the breeze was making me so cold my teeth almost broke from all the shattering they were doing, I wasn't really sure when the others might decide to check on me, and I'm not really sure if I was still in the place they left me at, and I really didn't know what to do, I was so helpless, and cold, and thirsty, in so much pain and so so tired.

I cursed the whale again for not ending my misery, and cursed the shark for being a coward and not finishing what he started and cursing the assignment for being so impossible yet important, and most of all cursing myself, though I don't know why, but my self-loathing decided that now is the time to remember how horrible I am.

As physics does, the water raised me till I was floating on my back, which made me feel even more cold but I didn't have any energy to do anything about it, and strangely, I fell into some sort of doze, not asleep yet not really awake and aware, my whole body half above half into the water, though my right, injured leg, was bend in the knee into the water, which made my pained scream when something took hold of it in its mouth the more agonizing since it made my upper body enter the water, and the thing holding my leg left it alone, and I was able to right myself and look around me for the next threat, the fear was immense that I thought I might get a heartattack, which, admittedly would be better than the pain going to be inflicted upon me any second now, looking around finally led me to what attacked me, and for a moment, with my blurry, and fear filled eyes looked like Mr. Shark has indeed returned to finish what he started, he even returned to his play-with-my-food attitude, but when my eyes finally focused they detected differences, from the lighter shade of colors, to the more smooth curves of the fin and snout, and the gentle, warm (even if it looked sleepy) strange brown tone of the mammels eyes,

The dolphin was about two meters away, and looking at me with intense, twinkling eyes (if they were blue and he wore glasses, or at least marking that looks like it, I would have thought that the dolphin was Dumbledore' animagus and I really wouldn't have hesitated this time to punch his already crocked nose.. err.. snout [which it isn't, the dolphin's snout was perfect] with my broken hand!!) and moved slowly towards me, he pushed me gently with his nose in my abdomen, swam back a few inches, then entered the water and moved towards my leg, not touching it, but he was close enough to feel with my already almost destroyed sensitive nerves, he did all of that while I'm standing/floating, stupefied, hardly even breathing, and then he left, and pushed me again with his snout on my back, this time with more pressure that my body couldn't help but move to the dolphin's right side to let him pass, with my hand just above his back, when my hand touched his prominent back fin, he pushed my hip gently, as if telling me something, and pushed his fin into my hand again, it felt like rubber, and I couldn't help but ask "you want me to hold you?" he made a strange clicking noise then kinda slapped the water with his side fin in the other side of me, and bizarrely, his actions made me feel as if he was saying "are you stupid? Why else would I offer you my magnificent dorsal?!!" I stared, flummoxed, at the creature and couldn't help but throw my head back and laugh, I'm certain that it was the tension, fear and hysteria that made me do it, but for me, the whole situation was so hilarious that it seemed like it made Mr. Dolphin look at me and think "alright, the pathetic, hurt, star-shaped blemish is, indeed, stupid and needs help from my majesty" and then, using his right fin, slapped me non-too-gently on the side of my left hip, squeaking something as well and pushed his dorsal in my left hand again, but when he noticed my wince, he actually kinda rubbed his slippery appendage on my thigh while honest-to-god cooed at me that I couldn't help but smile at him, "it's okay, big guy, and thanks; you know, you kinda remind me of flipper!" and then I petted him a couple of times (which he purred at, I think I need a cat! 🤔🤔) then grabbed his fin in a tight but non constricting grip, my right hand was swollen by now so my only hope was to keep holding using my left hand, after shaking his body a little as if to check my hold, he dove with me into the water!! I almost screamed in fright but then he broke the surface and jumped about three meters high into the air!!!

Hello, there, adrenaline, didn't see you since a few!!

He dove again into the water and this time gradually moved towards the surface, with the water flowing into my hair and pushing me from my saviour, my left leg moved on its own violation and moved around the body as if I was riding a horse,

"WOOHOO!!", I shouted once we were in the air again, it was exhilarating; cold, but thrilling, though the warm body beneath me was perfect, he took me in a straight if slightly curvy line, and when I noticed that, I also noticed that his right fin was not moving as his left, I even thought he was injured for a second, but then a sharp sting in my leg and a slight jerk from him made me understand, my injured leg was beneath his wing-like appendage, and he was being considerate, as a solution, I flattened myself on his back, kept my left leg dangling as if in the horse saddle, my right one, as gently as possible, bend on the knee above the dolphin's back, my left hand gripping the top fin with it touching my shoulder, and my broken right hand above Mr. Flipper's cousin head, and then I came into a a sudden realization!! "does that mean I'm Lopaka????" I asked Flipper the second, and he made a sound suspiciously almost like a snort, but my change of position made him move in a much more pronounced straight line; the speed decreased as I started to doze again, as if he was worried about dislodging me, though the annoying feeling of the salt crusting on my skin woke me up, no idea how much time had past, except that the sun was on either the verge of descending or rising, and finally, finally, I saw land and buildings and what not from afar, and I certainly moved to another continent all together, let alone another country, after reaching the area where I could stand comfortably on the ground beneath the water, people started to come to see what was happening, I ignored them for the sake of my silent companion, suddenly he actually stood on his tail fin, and kinda sort of awkwardly leaned on me without trying to put too much pressure, I didn't understand what was happening though it seemed sorta like a hug?

Anyway, I pat his back again, (and again with the weird purring noise), when he released me I felt buzzing in the back pocket of my jeans, I actually still have my phone!!!

Pulling it out and snorting that after everything that happened my phone was still working!! all I could say is "well, it seems like the time of a picture, Mr. Flipper, sir!" and after an awkward kneeling so I could put my injured arm around him and trying to stretch my bloody leg (both meanings are accurate here, tbh) so it wouldn't interfere with the selfie, I positioned my left hand.

And the last thing I remember is the picture of my (Lopaka the second 😂) wide mouth grin and an equally wonderful grin from Mr. Flipper the second!!!

The End.

It really was a dream I had, with all these details, the only thing that's not entirely true about this post, is saying that this is the weirdest dream I had.

[chriswhitewolf]

Okay so, as a kind of continuation of this post,

My dad is being even more of an asshole than he normally is, which is kinda saying something given he's a pretty big ass most the time (I've given up watching shows on the TV because he'll come home with half an hour left in my movie or whatever and immediately, second he's through the door, tell me he's 'taking his tv back's and will kick me off. So I don't even try to watch anything unless it's on my laptop or it's with my brothers or I'm certain he'll be gone for two plus hours).

But he's being a huge ass, and so I retreat to my room (which isn't really a safe place to me, since it's my parents house and I have severe trust issues with anything and everything, but I digress).

I'm sitting casually on my bed, door closed, just kinda mentally and quietly fuming about his latest bullshit, when suddenly I get a single thought.

If I killed myself neither he nor my mom could do this shit/put me through this shit.

And the second it came to my head I shut it down, but now I'm like actually really friggen concerned? Cause this thought reminded me that I used to have this exact thought All. The. Time.

Like my sophmore year I worked at an ice cream diner place, and would normally get home around two or three in the morning (and then wake up at 6). But I distinctly remember that there were a good six or seven months where I would pull the car up to the house, cut the engine, and spend two or so minutes debating on whether I go inside the house and have to deal with my parents the next morning/afternoon, or if I get out of the car, leave the keys, and walk (in a polo shirt and black slacks, no jacket or nothing) through the snow to the park, which takes maybe ten minutes if you go slowish, and lay down on a snow covered bench and stay there till morning.

It was almost nightly. I'd get home and sit around seriously considering laying on a park bench midwinter in a shirt and slacks instead of going inside. I knew full well that I'd very likely get hypothermia despite having to be awake by five thirty if I wanted to be at school on time, and I knew there was a chance I could very well freeze to death if I did it.

But I still honestly wanted to. I would honestly have rather freeze to death on a park bench than go to my bed because if I went to my bed I knew I would have to see my parents that day.

And it's not just that one instance. I can remember times where I legit thought I should kill myself, or purposely get myself killed by doing something that could very well be deadly, because dying meant Not Going Back.

Dying meant I didn't have to listen to my mom tell me we both needed to lose weight and diet when I was a young teen. Dying meant not seeing my dad and instantly worrying if he was gonna get mad at me for something I had or hadn't done that I hadn't thought of before. Dying meant not sitting isolated in my room because feeling alone was better than seeing them.

I am not a natural introvert. I don't usually crave isolation. I crave people, in a way of wanting to be near another person even if we just sit quietly in a room and do our own stuff.

But sitting alone, completely isolated from everyone in my room for almost the whole time I'm at home? That's easier to bear. It's easier to deal with the suffocating loneliness and my mind screaming at me that no one cares and I don't matter than to step out of my room and be subject to the words and actions of my parents.

I'd rather cry myself to sleep feeling worthless for my thoughts than cry myself asleep because my dad called me any variation of stupid, or because my mom told me I was too heavy or said I was an hoarder or that my emotional attachment issues where I can't bring myself to get rid of anything that's not actual garbage paper and wrappers without a tsunami of depression and dabilitating emptiness hitting me.

Feeling alone I can handle, I've done it my whole life.

Being told how worthless I am by the people who brought me into this world is too much to bear.

I still manage though, I guess. Sure I have huge breakdowns every few months/years, but for the times in between those I manage to pretend everything's fine and it doesn't matter.

I don't know what to do anymore. I can't survive here and there's no real viable way for me to get away.