#usually i just make something up that feels right tho
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✦ make it worse. | b.e
warnings: smut, oral, strap usage, hair pulling, tit sucking (all !r receiving), degrading, spanking, brat !reader, brat tamer !billie, mentions of safe word (not used), jealosy, billie being sweet at the end.
summary: how you should react to that? some random girl calling your girlfriend ‘mommy’ right in front of you, after weeks that billie hadn’t fucked you properly… well, maybe you ill had to tease her until you get what you want.
“baby please, i have to get ready to enter the stage in a few minutes.” billie said as you two were cuddling on the dressing room couch. your legs crossed on both sides of her waist, holding her sides tightly. “im gonna miss you so much.” you said with your usual whiny dramatic tone, making a pout face.
“is just one show… you will be watching it in your usual vip spot tho, ur already being privileged, my girl.” she says giggling and kissing your forehead softly. her fingers go up to your head, caressing your hair gently. the ‘my girl’ never failed in getting you flushed. “let me be selfish, bills.” you said with a pout face again, she just smiled gently at you. billie loved the way you wanted to be glued with her 24/7. she gave you multiple fast kisses, getting up and entering the box she was transported in.
the show was starting now, you could hear all the fans screaming and shouting at billie while she sang. her voice was almost angelic, she sang all those lines with all her heart. billie couldn’t stop herself of looking at you, no, she looked at the crowd, but at you? she boldly stared. those lines at her song ‘lunch’… she was almost singing them just for you. at many moments you cried, hearing her soft voice sing the most beautiful lines in the world.
but one in specific was your favorite, when the party is over. and it was a big moment in her show too, you felt so proud remembering that you gave her the idea of synching the vocals, she didn’t thought it was going to work because of the silence but it did. and it was fucking beautiful everytime. when she was preparing herself, she started her usual speech.
“guys.. i need you to be quiet right now.” she said and shortly after you could hear a girl screaming from the crowd, and it just made your blood boil. “yes mommy!” the girl said, clearly kidding, but after that billie started giggling. she was fuckin’ laughing at that, in front of you? it wasn’t a big deal, but, your blood just boiled, knowing that other girl called her that, and she fucking thought it was funny.
you would usually think it is funny too, but after she dragged you into a tour and almost refusing to fuck you, you were almost insane. billie didn’t want to take a night off to pay an hotel to be alone with you just because all of you were going to give the first tour break in like, 3 days. you were trying really hard to fight the urge of fucking her every single night, but this? this was too fucking much. as soon as the show ended, she leaded you towards the backstage.
“hi my angel” she said gently, holding your waist and walking with you by her side towards the dressing room. “hi billie.” you answered in an raspy tone. giving a clear hint that something wasn’t okay. “what happened?” she says closing the door behind her, looking at you with true concern. “you tell me, laughing at those fucking stupid things.” you didn’t look directly at her eyes, crossing your arms, you were acting childish, but you couldn’t help it.
“its because of that? seriously?” she said in misbelief, giggling getting closer to you, holding your waist. you still refused to stare at her, those goddam eyes, the smirk you could feel on her face, it was all to much. you took her hands out of you, going towards the other side of the room. sitting on the couch and going through your socialmedia, completely ignoring her.
“ignoring me huh?” she said standing in front of you, grabbing the phone from your hand and lowering herself to make you stare at her. her hair was messy and down now, but her black liner was still perfect. billie’s eyes just drowned you into them, it was some sort of magical power. “js showing you what you should’ve done with that girl.” you said raspy, staring at her with a nonchalant face, trying to hide how bad you wanted to make her take you right there.
“stop bein’ a fucking brat, you know damn well it was a joke.” she said with a serious tone, but you knew her. she wasn’t being serious, she wanted you to misbehave. just with that phrase you knew, she was going to fuck you tonight. “maybe i wouldn’t be if you just fucked me like you usually did, now im here, having to watch other girl call you ‘mommy’ while the ‘mommy’ here is just an lazy bitch.” you said trying so hard to not smirk, it was kind of your game… you would push her to her limits, until she was fucking you brainless.
“you’re such a slut, are you even hearing yourself right now? you can’t stand not being fucked by a week? maybe i will gift you a fucking vibrator if you need to cum that bad all the time.” she said mockingly, smirking at each word. “maybe i wouldn’t need a vibrator if my girlfriend wasn’t so incompetent, why im even dating you if you can’t make me cum properly?” you said getting up, staring at billie, getting closer trying to intimidate her. as she just grabbed your arms tightly. “i can’t make you cum? you are really sayin’ that?” she says with an smirk, you knew that you reached it, you made her mad enough.
billie’s hands were now grabbing your hair, not in a gentle way. she forced you to sit on the couch as she refused to kiss you. “gonna show u what i can do, slut.” she said almost ripping your tank top off, now staring at your exposed tits. “no bra?” she said sliding a hand underneath your skirt, and realizing that you were not wearing nothing underneath. “no underwear? desperate slut almost begging to be fucked.” she said in a low teasing voice. “stop being a fucking bitch and do it.” you said smirking and looking at her eyes, the next thing you felt was a harsh slap across your face, as billie grabbed your chin and pulled your face closer to her.
“fuckin’ behave, this is not going to end well to you, so you might as well don’t make it worse. keep this up and ill edge you all night, not letting you cum even a single fuckin’ time. understood?” she says with a even lower voice. staring deep at your eyes, you knew she was serious, because she already did that. and it was fucking hell on earth. she slapped you like thirty times just because you touched your clit. “yes..” you said giving in, in a more fearful tone.
“already tamed? weak slut, can’t stand the thought of not cumming huh?” she said mocking you, smirking as she layed down, giving her lap gentle pats. you understand the signs and go to sit on it, straddling her sides. billie’s hands quickly find their way to your skirt, lifting it up to exposed your bare ass. you try to kiss her, but she puts you away. “if you act like a slut, you get treated like one.” she says grabbing your ass tightly, feeling your soaked cunt starting to grind on her crotch. “fuckin’ stop that, sit on my face, now.” she demanded you, as you started going up. finally fitting the lower half of her face in the middle of your thighs.
“you’re dripping baby.” she said before entering your needy hole with her tongue, and after that, making her way to suck on your clit. you could feel every way she flicked her tongue on your sensitive spot. you covered your mouth with your own hands, trying not to scream in pleasure right now. it was not a fucking hotel, it was an dressing room, and you knew that all her team was on the room beside this one.
“taste s’ good, mamas.” she was fucking devouring you, like she was a starving beast. you could feel your hips grinding billie’s face as you were almost cumming. she could feel your insides tightening around her tongue, and then, she stopped. “do u really think im goin’ to let u cum this easy? after all you did?” she smirked giggling as she took your hips off her face, getting up of the couch and grabbing her bag.
that fucking bag.
billie took two straps out of the bed, one black and one red, you were used to the red one… but the black? that one was new. your eyes widened as you saw the size of it, it was fucking huge. “what do u wanna take first? huh? the black is 9 inches and the red is 7,5.” you were so fucking screwed, you were sure it wasn’t going to fit inside of you. “9 inches??? bills… i can’t take that.” you said with genuine concern.
she opened an gentle smile. “but you will.” her smile started to turn into a smirk. “ill get you prepared to it, and if it really is too much, you know what do to.” she said refearing to your safe word. you knew she wasn’t ever gonna do something to hurt you, so you trusted her. now she was unbuckling her belt and placing the red strap on her, getting closer to you again. “face down, ass up.” you obeyed her without questions, getting on the position she demanded you to.
"such a good girl." she says placing the faux cock on your folds, teasing you. you kept quiet, whimpering as you were being teased... it turned billie on, but she wanted to hear you. she harshly slapped your ass cheek. "are you behaving because you´re a good girl or a needy slut who got tired of acting up, huh?" she says chuckling, and grabbing a fistfull of your hair, pulling your head back. "don´t get cocky, you know i had to act up. or else you would keep me here insatisfait... then maybe i could write a song just like "over now".." you said giggling, mocking her, she kept quiet, but you still decided to hum the lyrics of her song.
"It's not that complicated"
"I wasn't satiated"
"You weren't that bad, just lazy"
you were so focused on humming the lyrics that you couldn´t realize that she was placing her cock right on entrance with the hand she had free. billie slammed her whole cock into you, making you unable to continue teasing her. she was rough, but she didn´t want to hurt you. after slamming her faux dick on your insides, she kept it there for long seconds, making you get used to it. after that, her pace was brutal. you could tell that she just kept quiet in that moment for you to burn yourself even more, and give her an excuse to be even rougher with you.
"never gonna tease m' like this again, mama." she almost growled as one of her hands holded on your waist as the other slapped your ass in a way that you knew that you´d be all sore. you tried your best to keep quiet, failing miserably. in a stupid attempt you shoved your head into the couch cushion, trying to muffle your moans that were coming out as almost screams of pleasure. "im gonna teach u a fuckin' lesson, cock addicted slut." you just whined, your whimperings being muffled by the cushion. "such a fucking whore, only able to behave with my cock filling you up, huh?" she mocked you, but you were unable to even form a sentence.
billie could feel your insides tightening around her, and then, she pulled it out, not letting you cum. you whined, with your legs trembling. "do you think you deserve to cum that easy huh? pathetic slut." she says as you turn yourself to lay on the couch and stare at her. she walks towards the bag again, taking the 9 inch strap from there and handing it to you. "you want to cum with wich one angel? do you think you can handle that one?" she spoke softly, with genuine concern not wanting to take it too far. "yes... i think i can bills, jus' let me be on top.. okay?" you said looking up at her with your usual sweet eyes. "whatever you want, angel." she said giggling "seems like i fucked the bratiness out of u so easily, huh?" she chuckles, taking the dildo from your hands and strapping it onto her crotch.
billie sat on the other side of the couch, because you made a mess on the other one. "come here angel." she pat her lap, as you crawled towards her, now straddling her sides. she holded you by the waist, pushing your sore body towards her. she gently caressed your cheek, pulling you into a slow and soft kiss, that just turned you on even more. you broke the kiss after she started to play with your neglegted clit, not being able to be quiet anymore. her skilled finger just played with it slowly, it felt like a torture. her half lided eyes just staring at you with a smirk on her face. she stopped, not wanting you to cum just yet... she took her strap and took your hips up, placing it on your entrance and staring at you, with both of her hands.
"whenever you´re ready, angel." she said as you took a deep breath and started to lower yourself in her cock. "so good baby, you´re doing such a good job." you managed to get half of it inside of you, taking another deep breath. "if you want to stop, just say the word, okay?" she says remembering you "i-im okay.." you say with your shaky voice, lowering yourself slowly until your cunt hits the base of it. "such a good girl, taking all of me." she says kissing your neck, and then going down to your exposed tits, sucking on it briefly as you are getting used to the size. "can i see where im at?" she asked and you nodded, allowing her. one of her hands started press a few places on your belly, until she saw the bump that were on your tummy, smiling knowing she was that deep inside of you.
you started moving yourself, riding her, it was slow. she helped you with your moviments, holding your hips and guiding you. "doing so good for me baby, so good." at this point, you were already in a fast pace, riding her cock as you got used to the size, it hit your g spot just right. your moans were increasing, so you took your hand to cover your mouth. she was staring at you, admiring how pretty you were while fucking yourself on her cock, how pretty you sounded being filled with her. "wanna hear you, mamas... don´t worry about them, you can fuckin' scream if u want to." she says grabbing your arm and putting it down, you soon took both of your hands to the sides of the couch, leaning on it to help you move, you were so fucking loud.
the room was filled with sounds, the sound of billie´s cock being shoved into your drooling cunt, of her sucking your tits, or even the wet sound of her playing with your clit... but it was clear that the loudest one was of you moaning, whining, screaming while being filled by her. "you´re so gorgeous fuckin' yourself on my cock, such a angel." your walls tightened around her faux dick as your moviments slowed down due to your now tired hips.. "i-im so close, can you help me.. bills?" you say staring at her with your tired eyes "don´t even need to ask me twice." she grabbed your hips, pulling you up, as she started to pound you in that position. she wasn´t gentle, but she didn´t hurt you. "gonna cum huh? gonna let you cum now, such a good slut." she mocked you, trying to get back to her dominant self. her pace was fast, hitting your g spot over and over again.
but she ended you in the moment that she stopped holding your hips with one hand and started to play with you clit again. in that moment you could feel your orgasm hitting you in one way you never experienced before. your whole body was trembling, as you were almost unable to moan. her pace slowed down, letting you ride through your orgasm in a way that you felt like you were on heaven. "can i pull it out already, babe?" she asked you, bringing you back to earth after pulling you onto the edge of pleasure. you nodded, as she gently took it out of you. holding on your waist gently while she pushed you closer to kiss her.
billie kissed you slowly, letting yourself rest after all she put you throught. "you know that you´re the only one, right my love?" asked you.. "i know." you answered it in a lazy tone. she quickly took her phone, texting someone. "what is it?" you ask "gonna take you to a good hotel tonight okay? gotta take care of you now, prepare yourself, gonna to spoil you all night baby.." she said in a soft tone "really huh?" you said giggling with a wicked smirk "gosh not in that way... you´re so naughty sometimes... can´t be a good girl even after i had railed you?" she says slapping your exposed ass again. "so no naughty spoil?" you said in a playfull sad tone.
"only if you can take it, my love."
taglist: @chrissv4mp @karaeilishh @iluvapplesxh @hkkuugu @bilsdillldough @n0vabug @certifiedwomenlover @dollyvuu
#billie eilish#billie eilish blurb#billie eilish oneshot#billie eilish smut#billie eilish x reader#billie eilish concert#billie eilish fic#billie eilish fanart#billie eilish fanfiction#wlw#hit me hard and soft#billie eilish hmhas#hmhas tour#hmhas billie eilish#hmhas#smut
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ok op agreed HOWEVER two things:
ONE, I think jujutsu society is very well integrated into normal society, and it often used in fairly insidious ways. hiding an entire extra species from all of humanity is not actually a very aboveboard thing to do. Like we can all agree on that right? esp when its causing massive amounts of death? if that happened with a virus or something in a country and their government just Never Told Their People that would be bad. That's bad.
So with the Fushiguros I dont know that the govt or it being 'illegal' COULD really have stopped what was happening. If police investigates, officers would have gotten paid off/been fired, etc. Orders from the top, shut your mouth or lose your job. What are you gonna do? They're not even supposed to know about this stuff.
There's a lot of powerful and rich people in the jujutsu world and they can and WILL crush you. Not even necessarily for the greater good. Just so that things will keep on going the way they always have been, because that's the system, and to them, it works.
TWO, I dont think megumi's well-being was of no priority to gojo at all I think hes just maddeningly good at compartmentalization which for him is a skill that is absolutely necessary. it is for any corcerer but him especially and clan kids especially. they dont have a choice so better figure out how to make your peace with it now before you get your feelings hurt about it and end up dead or like toji.
whether he could save megumi or not was not something he had the luzury to be thinking of int a practical sense when thousands of people- sorcerers and ordinary humans- were in danger of being massacred by Sukuna should the fancy strike him Also Kanjaku's plans were still in high gear and they needed that to Stop Now because it was going nowhere good, and fast.
so he has to defeat sukuna anyways for at least three reasons. he doesnt have time to be sentimental about the kid he helped and taught (and 'raised like a treasure' in Maki's words, partially to be used as a weapon and instrument of change, yes, but he was pretty much clear about that from the beginning and never acted in a way contrary to that) and if he DID have any fondness for him that needed to go in The Box ASAP.
so i think youre right on some level and im not here to fight with you BUT i also think that there can be nuances to the character at the same time. hes selfish and progressive but i dont think hes usually manipulative in an ill intentioned way.
also he doesnt exactly keep it a secret when he is being manipulatve so im not sure the term holds its meaning anymore cause like, if anyone asked him about his plans for jujutsu society that he even moderately trusted he'd spout off until they told him to shut it.
also yeah his empathy is like rock bottom lol. tho i think he does get better after suguru leaves probably cause hes always wondering what he missed and how and why and unconciously starts looking for it in other ppl.
HOT TAKE #11
Gojo’s character flaw isn't that being the strongest makes him lonely. His flaws is he thinks that being the strongest makes him exist in a category above all other human beings, and therefore he doesn't have to bother trying to empathize with them. He describes everyone else as plants, they're not even animals, they're unthinking plants.
It's a flaw that shows in all of his behavior. He throws his weight around, bullies people to get what he wants, generally doesn't respect other people's autonomy. He loves his students but he also uses them as tools for his scheme to reform jujutsu society. This actually hurts his students, especially Megumi. His students don't even realize they're being used because they all are indoctrinated into thinking they owe him. Gojo is actually pretty manipulative guys, he just happens to have very progressive ideals at the same time.
Literally, everything he did to Megumi. Gojo had the option of putting Megumi into foster care, because hey guess what human trafficking is illegal the Zen'in had no real claim on him. Making an eight year old work to earn room and board by selling away his future is bad actually, it's bad.
Megumi's mental health and well-being is like a tertiary priority to Gojo at best. He literally says out loud to Sukuna he feels no qualms about beating Megumi up. He literally said that. The whole fight he cared more about having a fun fight with Sukuna then the issue of saving Megumi.
Anyway all of this is good because if Gojo were a traditional good mentor he would be boring.
#anyway.#just my opinion#i saw your post and got Interested#thanks for the brain exercise that was fun#again theres more than one interpretation to a character and i think youre def valid#i just am not a fan of like Dark!Gojo or any character actually because i dont like reading it its just not fun for me#theres enough AwfulnessTM in daily life i dont need it in my comfort characters#i mean i still think it can be interesting im just not really gonna go looking for it#anyway i just wanted to put my own two cents in cause those are some things i thought of#jjk#jujutsu kaisen#gojo satoru
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Joker vs Batman
How it would be dating one of them, kinda a comparison. I won't specify on 1 Batman and Joker, just in general as a character from the universe.
☁️Fluffy fluff fluff ☁️ (If u want a smut version let me know! (I will do it anyway, u guys know me))
_
First the Joker: 🃏
How u met: Well...Not like you'd imagine..You randomly crossed paths, frightened by seeing him cuz you hated him and didn't feel safe at all in your own city. You caught his attention with your eyes full of fear, he thought you're easy to manipulate and fear would benefit him. So he kidnapped you, held you captivity to turn you into his puppet that he could use for his plans, wishes, missions and such.
Later in time you developed the Stockholm syndrome and kinda fell attached to him. When that happened he freed you from captivity cuz he knew you wouldn't try to escape anymore.
Lets see..Toxic asf
Manipulative
Allows you to cuddle him but tries to quickly push you off
What he does tho is give you love if he needs something.
Very narcissist (I know what I'm talking about I have a dad like that)
Let me explain: He cuddles, kisses you, a lot of gifts, words of affection and such only if he needs you for something.
Which is a popular way narcissists use to manipulate and get you to do whatever they want.
Kinda abusive at time, especially if things don't go as planned for him or if you talk back
Shit I don't envy you at all being with him
Tho later in time he develops kind of an attachment
He never felt that before, he would try to drink it away, talk it away, ignore it or even curse at it but nothing helps
He falls in love on his own psychopathic way but hey, at least he won't treat you like his puppet anymore.
He lets you cuddle and kiss him and doesn't rush to push you off. He somewhere enjoys it
He for the first time feels something. Like warmness whenever you're with him.
He puts you second, even before batman. Obviously for the Joker he is his own number 1 but after that you.
And who knows, maybe he will change his mind and put you first. Let's wait and see.
Batman to Joker: "Let her go, stop using her as a puppet and take me. I'm right here."
Joker: *laughs at him* "Oh but she doesn't want to go. She chose her side."
Batman to you: "So he manipulated you to believe he really loves you, huh? He doesn't. He is just using you for his personal gain."
Joker: "Wrong. I would burn the world for one of her tears"
Now the Batman 🦇:
How you met: I'll give you 2 options. First one being: You were invented to one of his parties and when he saw you he couldn't take his eyes off of you and just had to hit you up, or else he wouldn't forgive himself for missing such an opportunity. Your outfit, hair, make up and body did it to him pretty hard.
Second option: Joker and the bat had a fight again and while you were trying to run home, he hit you with a hard object which was meant to fly in Jokers direction but that maniac used you as a shield, not caring for your innocence in that fight or that it might have killed you. The bat quickly rushed to you not caring about the Joker escaping. He would usually just call an ambulance or so and continue his fight but he couldn't let you be like that. Something about you warmed his heart. He picked you up, brought you to his apartment and waited for the ambulance. Poor guy felt so bad.
Okay so now that we have this settled let's continue with the headcanons.
Shit that guy is romantic asf
Charming, warm hearted and carrying
Would buy you everything you want no matter how expensive
You're his top 1 priority
Would do everything to keep you save
Tho one day the Joker kidnapped you to use you for his plans and against the bat to blackmail him or so.
That was like a death wish from that clown
Batman couldn't handle his anger and did everything to save you and keep you save
He swore to never let it happen again to you
He loves your cuddles and kisses and does it for hours in bed
He would love you as his housewife, cooking for him, taking care of him, stitching him up when needed and just do everything to make him relax after his batman things.
You to the bat: "How much do I mean to you, Bruce?"
Bat: "A lot but you already know."
You: "Define "a lot". "
Bat: "I would give you the whole world"
—
Yes this one didn't save..I was fr sitting there like: *the image of joker*
#the joker#dc joker#joker comic#batman#the batman#batman comics#batman x joker#batman x reader#batman x you#dc#dc comics#dc characters#dc batman#batman fandom#batman fanfiction#joker x reader#joker#joker x batman#joker x you#arkham asylum#batman arkham series#clowncore#clown#bruce wayne#bruce x reader#bruce wayne x reader#bruce wayne x you#yandere#yandere x reader#joker folie a deux
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|Bump in the Night|
✨Pairing✨: Tim Rockfordxblack!reader
Summary🪄: You can always count on Tim
🚨: attempted break in/breaking and entering, mention of stalking, brief mention of gun(s), language, violence (man-man), ends in fluff tho💕
A/N🎤: hello☺️! This is my submission to @burntheedges Roll-A-Trope event (I’m so sorry that it’s much later than the deadline/expected😓). Everyone please support the other works that were submitted and I hope you enjoy what I came up with🌸
*DISCLAIMER!: I DO NOT CLAIM OWNERSHIP of pictures used as they were all found via Pinterest. Although my works are imagined with a black reader, all are welcome to read💕*
Trope: friends to lovers
Hearing the familiar address come across his police scanner, Tim couldn’t care less about the lawyer that was supposed to be under his surveillance. His silver Honda Civic practically floating over the asphalt as he sped towards the apartment complex.
Specifically, yours.
“No apparent injuries to occupant. No ambulance needed.”
Tim’s grip on the wheel slightly loosens at that. Although he was still stressed not completely knowing what happened yet, at least you were currently safe and unharmed. Minutes later, his car screeches to a stop in the parking lot already occupied by a flashing patrol car.
“Detective Rockford?,” the young officer - he still couldn’t remember his name after all this time - asks slightly startled from seeing the usually stoic and aloof man. “What-?”
“Where is she?” His steps never falter and the younger officer - Davey? Casey? - has to lightly jog to catch up with the detective on a mission.
“She?”
“The victim.”
“Oh! Currently with Daniels as he does a final sweep.”
“Still nothing?,” Tim asks as they both finally arrive on your floor from their ascent up the stairs. He wasn’t surprised to see the elevators out again. There was always something wrong with this place which is why he tried urging you to another complex.
“True it’s not perfect, but it’s not terrible. I’ll be fine Tim,” you assured with that sweet smile that could warm the coldest of hearts.
“Just some shifted furniture, nothing missing yet. We tried dusting for prints, but perp was smart enough to use gloves.”
Walking in to see your nervous expression - lip worried between your teeth as your arms wrapped around yourself - had a storm of emotions swirling he’d never experienced all at once. Relief that he could physically see you were unharmed. Rage at whoever did this. Finally, a sense of protectiveness wanting to make sure this never happened to you again.
By any means.
“T-Tim?,” you asked finally meeting his eyes. Immediately he’s crossing the few feet between you to hug you close. Gently rocking you back and forth as you savor the much needed comfort.
“Let’s uh give them some privacy Kaz,” Daniels whispers. “Kazinski!,” Tim thought as he finally remembered the man’s name. Wow he was way off.
“What happened?”
“Well,” you sigh, “I came home and the door was cracked open. Something didn’t feel right this time though-,”
“Wait, this time? Someone’s done this before?”
You slowly nod. “Well, then again I could’ve accidentally-,”
“We both know you didn’t leave it open. You never leave your door open or unlocked.”
Too many times you were the one reminding him to make sure he’d locked up both his house and car. Always on the go with mind focused on other things, there’s a very strong chance he’d leave his head home if it wasn’t attached to him.
“Why didn’t you call me?,” he asks with deep brown eyes full of concern and slight hurt.
“I didn’t wanna interrupt your case. Plus it’s nothing I can’t handle on my own.”
“But you don’t have to do it on your own,” he sighs. Your hyper-independence just might be the death of him. “Grab some clothes and whatever else you need, you’re staying with me.”
“Tim-,”
“If you think I’m leaving you here tonight you don’t know me as well as I thought,” he simply counters sitting in one of your wooden dining room chairs waiting for you to get your things with arms crossed against his chest.
There’s no use in arguing when his mind is set - which tends to be often. All you can do is what he says swiftly turning towards your bedroom and softly padding down the short hall.
-
Phone to his ear, Tim can’t help the smile that forms at your sweet voice. Deep inside he feels like that giddy teenager again excited and in slight disbelief that he finally gets the chance to talk to the prettiest girl in school.
“Hey, just uh wanted to check on you. Make sure you made it in okay.”
“Yep just got the last of the groceries in,” you smile locking the door behind you. “Hey don’t pick up anything to eat! I’m making lasagna.”
This is how it’s been for the past week. Tim checking to see you made it in and how your day had gone before you both discussed your plan for dinner that night.
And he loved the domesticity of it all. Never did he think he’d say that, typically preferring to be alone so he could come and go as he pleased with no one constantly in his ear. But there was something about coming home to warm meals and music softly playing in the background that had an unexpected calm rushing over him.
Then again, maybe all those new things he was feeling - now wanting every day and wondering how he thought life was better without it - was from you.
“Sounds great, I’m gonna be a bit late getting in though so don’t wait on me to eat.”
“Oh, okay.” Your disappointed tone has him ready to quit if it’ll make you happy again. “I take it there’s good news on the case?”
“Yea and new evidence that potentially puts us closer to solving this.”
“And freeing-?”
“That I can’t discuss. You and I both know,” he softly chuckles. At your little huff he can already picture you rolling those dangerously perfect eyes.
“Okay,” you pout, “I guess I’ll see you later then. Be careful.”
“I will. I’ll try not to be too long.”
Saying your final goodbyes, he’s embarrassingly greeted by the smirk of officer Daniels while he leans against the doorframe of his office.
“Soo the infamous friend..,” he states with a knowing grin.
“Don’t.”
“Can’t blame you, she’s really sweet. Not to mention beautiful-,”
The mix of annoyance and anger on Tim’s face is enough to stop Daniels in his tracks making him deeply chuckle with hands up in defeat. “Relax, I come in peace.”
“Wishing you didn’t at all,” Tim mumbles causing more chuckles from the man in front of him.
“Don’t think you’ll say that after you see this.” Gently placing the folder on his desk, Tim’s brow raises as he curiously flips open the gray cover. “Pretty sure this is our guy.”
-
You think you’re still dreaming when you hear that first click. Another - followed by a scrape against the hardwood - has your eyes quickly opening trying to register what was happening. You can faintly make out the bedroom thanks to the sliver of yellow-gold coming from the hall light as you slowly sit up. Not finding Tim asleep in his usual recliner in the corner of the room, you wonder if it’s him finally returning home.
“Tim?!”
The heavy footsteps - seemingly pacing back and forth - pause, and you feel an uneasiness creep over you at the momentary silence. A shadow of something to come you couldn’t quite place.
As the footsteps grow closer, that unease sets off alarms at the realization that those steps were heavier than Tim’s. He doesn’t wear boots…
It’s as if the intruder senses they’re caught in that same moment increasing their speed towards your bedroom. Luckily you bound from the bed locking the door mere seconds before they reach the knob furiously twisting and banging against the door trying to enter.
Amid the pounding in your chest and ears, you’re focused enough to lock yourself in the adjoining restroom and lie in the tub with trembling hands covering your mouth. Tears slowly slipping down your cheeks while wishing for the darkness to take you before the stranger can.
On the third hard thud, the room door breaks from its hinges startling you and sending screws scattering to the floor - and no doubt chips of wood.
“I know you’re in here. Might as well come out now, it’s only a matter of time before I find you.”
That familiar voice sends goosebumps down your body and bile stinging your throat.
His laugh isn’t a humorous one stepping across the threshold. Wood creaking and cracking under his weight. “I don’t know why you’re making me do this. Things could be so much easier if you’d just…listen.”
The echo of your vibrating phone carries into the bathroom making more tears spring from your eyes. Tim would be home any moment coming face to face with this man who wouldn’t stop until he got what he wanted. Possibly unarmed not expecting danger in what was supposed to be his safe haven.
A danger you ultimately caused.
If something happened to Tim-
“You run to him, but he’s not even here for you! Huh, some protector.”
If you weren’t so terrified, you’d easily be ready to defend your friend. Fight for him just as he’s always fought for you.
Hearing the bed squeak, you know he’s probably leaning on it to lift the cover’s edge and peek in the space under. Not finding you there, you figure there’s only seconds before he’s barging into your hiding place and doing God knows what.
“Guess you won’t believe me until you see for yourself though.” His tone hushes to just above a whisper taking a step closer. Then another, and you’re surprised he hasn’t said anything about your heartbeat how it surely could be heard thudding in your chest. “Fine with me doll.”
Flashes of what that could mean enter your mind only making you sob harder. A sheen of sweat breaking along your body anxiously waiting on that fearful moment the life you once knew would be over.
Rather than the cracking of another broken door, you’re met with Tim’s gruff voice yelling for the intruder to freeze and allowing you to finally breathe. His trusty black handgun drawn and trained on his target daring the stranger to move. “It’s over Kane. Down on your knees with hands on your head.”
Surprisingly he follows Tim’s instructions, slowly kneeling down on one knee then the other. Once his hands are in the right position, handcuffs are being tightened around his wrist and a solid blow sent to his ribs causing Kane to painfully grunt as he keels over.
“That’s assault!”
This time his cheek receives the punch immediately reddening the tan skin under his left eye - and Tim’s knuckles in the process. “Where is she?!”
Kane just darkly chuckles. “You tell me. Aren’t you the detective?” His smug jokes are no more feeling cold metal against his temple. A quick click signaling how the weapon was ready to fire at any moment Tim chose.
“Last fucking chance! Tell me-,”
He hears your cries the same moment Daniels and Kazinski rush into the bedroom with guns drawn themselves. Immediately they take over, hoisting the slightly battered man to his feet and reading him his rights, while Tim hurries to retrieve you. His heart breaking the moment he sees you visibly shaken in the tub with tears staining your face.
“I’m here honey it’s okay,” he attempts to soothe quickly gathering you in his arms. Your face instinctively buries itself in his neck finding comfort in the scratch of his beard and smell of tobacco mixed with sandalwood and his earlier cups of coffee. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t here sooner.”
It’s a few moments before you can find your voice again; even then it prickles climbing your throat and escapes in a hoarse whisper. “H-How did you know?”
“Your coworker told us about him. How he was banned because he came to the job every day bothering you. Daniels looked into him and we found…”
The way his Adams Apple bobs you can tell he’s struggling for his next words. Probably trying to soften a blow that would surely worsen your already destroyed mental and emotional state.
He clears his throat rubbing a soothing hand up and down your arm. “There was enough evidence that led us to believe he’d try something. We rushed here as soon as we could.”
Just when you thought your heart had been through enough. You could read between the lines and knew what Tim meant by evidence, and it made that queasy, unsettled feeling return. Kane found the somewhat secluded house of your best friend, who’s to say another of your friends wasn’t next? Your family even.
Hot tears - summoned from some unknown hidden reserve - begin to soak his shoulder as he slowly rocks you back and forth. Tim’s thick arms holding your shaking body tighter. Little did you know it was as much for him as you.
“He-He’s n-never gonna stop…is he?,” you direct more so to the open air. “Everyone I know-,”
“Hey hey listen to me,” Tim gently starts. His hands slightly pushing you away before moving to caress your face so you’d have no choice but to meet his sympathetic and caring eyes. “We got him. He can’t, and won’t, do anything to you or anybody else.”
“But-,”
“Even if - and it’s a very very small if - he tried something, I love you too much to let something happen.”
Maybe it was the overwhelm of emotions from such an eventful night. Maybe it was how Tim cradled your face - practically dwarfed by his larger hands - looking at you as if you were his most prized possession given by some high deity themselves. And maybe it was your hidden feelings finding a hopeful hook to latch onto that he felt the same about you. Either way, you couldn’t stop your lips from meeting his; moving so smoothly together it’s as if you’ve done this plenty of times.
Just pulling back an inch, Tim’s quick to follow smashing your lips together again as if he was addicted already. Inwardly, it makes you giggle. Feeling fuzzy and light as if dancing on the brightest sun ray on a spring day.
“We’re gonna take him downtow- oh..”
Forgetting where you were, Daniel’s voice is a startling reminder as you quickly part turning your heated face away from the bathroom’s entrance. Meanwhile, Mr. Rockford appears dazed attempting to act anything but trying to focus on his co-worker who just said..something important? “Um…y-yea Kane! We gotta-,”
“It’s taken care of Rockford,” Daniel’s answers professionally hiding his chuckles in his rock solid chest. Wait till he gets home to tell his wife this tea. Hell, he’ll have to text her on the way this was too good. “You uh take care of things here. I’ll keep you updated. Have a good night guys.”
And just as he said, Tim’s kept to his word almost a year later. Lying in your now shared bed with you perfectly molded to his side - your new home just outside of town in the relaxing countryside - he presses a loving peck to your forehead careful not to disturb your pleasant sleep. Watching you go so long without, it gives him a new layer of joy that Kane could no longer steal that from you. Your arm slung over his middle, his chest swells looking at the square cut diamond shining on your finger just waiting for you to wake up and notice it. To say yes to the question he’s been hoping you’d give him the chance to ask for some time now.
And down the line, maybe even build your little family giving you both a reason to decorate and fill the empty room across the hall.
#tim rockford#tim rockford x reader#Tim Rockford x woc#Tim Rockford x black reader#merge mansion#pedro pascal x woc#pedro pascal characters#pedro pascal x reader#pedro pascal#roll a trope challenge
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Eeeeee ty for answering my dandadan ask!!!
Though I love both of them I'm a bit biased towards okarun so Ill focus on him (tho I might come back for momo later)
Curious about when the random fevers started after he started transforming, how did discovering that side effect go? When did they start, and how often do they happen, and any other details you have about them? How worried do people get about him too
I am a sucker for fevers, esp when someone does the tender hand on forehead check it's so cute, and the thought of momo (or anyone else) feeling okarun's forehead got me giddy
- danon (dandadan anon lol)
DANON.....that's like the perfect name welcome back!!! This is kind of related to that fic I'm writing so I've already thought about this a lot and am very happy to answer LOL...
- 12-24 hours after Okarun transforms is when the fevers usually start and they started pretty much right away after gaining that power. The first few times he didn't transform for any great length of time and as a result just dealt with drawn-out low grade fevers where he just feels terrible and doesn't know why.
- Momo notices the change in behavior because she watches him like a hawk and is The Overthinker...he's always tired and seems sore and slow the day after using his Yokai form but she doesn't usually connect that it's a fever. A few times she notices he has a fever, she's nervous about taking care of him but (forcefully) makes sure he's drinking water and taking medicine lol💖
- It Slowly starts to get worse though...the longer he uses that form, the worse he feels after, and the change is sudden and drastic enough for Momo to notice that something is very wrong. He's visibly stumbling or ends up passing out, maybe even hallucinating (Momo always worries it's real, after all, who knows what all these aliens are capable of). If she's ever concerned to any degree she makes him come home with her (and her excuse is always that she'll be too worried about him not taking enough care of himself that she won't be able to sleep...not cause she's in love with him or anything pshhh...)
- I love the idea of one day he's so sick from it that he can hardly lift his head, he's in Momo's room on a mattress on the floor, she thought he was acting weird at school but it seemed like he completely fell apart as soon as they got home 😭 She ends up involving Seiko and she deduces pretty quickly that it's Turbo Granny's power's fault (to which Turbo Granny has no input because how could she have known this was a side effect lol)
- They never last long though, never more than 12-24 hours, and he always feels fine after no matter how bad the fever was, and Momo is always keeps an extra close eye on him in case he's lying to avoid her worrying about him lol...she's checking his forehead all day long and she does Not Care how many times her friends tease her for it!!
- The Gang coming around obviously joins in on the concern...Jiji noticing that Okarun isn't feeling well and Okarun begging him to not tell Momo (Jiji does not listen, he Will be telling Momo), and Aira being overprotective too (to Momo's dismay), Okarun is so glad that he has friends that care about him like this but he's embarrassed and shy about the attention lol💔💔
#this is so long im sorry#anon: danon!#i wanted to deliver because i love them#you are welcome back any time danon#dandadan#dandadan headcanons#momo ayase#okarun#ken takakura#momokarun#okamomo#illness#sick#ask box#fever#high fever#hurt/comfort#whump#fluff#caretaking#trope#sickfic trope#jiji enjoji#aira shiratori
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Hi amarantine
I'm compiling (how many things am I compiling now? Halp) a list of names resources so the next time someone (Ghosty) asks me for help with names I can just have a treasure trove at the ready. Do you have any place you frequent for name harvesting that you could offer me?
a classic but fantasynamegenerators.com! I usually look up "[xyz] name generator" and click on that link for it. ex- victorian names generator, dark souls name generator, etc.
i also use babynames.com to look up the names I "made up" and see if they're real. it's an especially good one bc it gives you the name's meaning and a list of similar names.
nameberry.com is good for lists of "names that mean [xyz]" I've recently used that to look up night themed names for the RCU moon fae ^-^
hope these helped!! :D
#fantasy name generator will forever be a great starting point#esp for side characters#usually i just make something up that feels right tho#or in the case of many RCU characters like annie and nelly - literally just the first thing that comes to my mind#writing#writing resources#asks#sleepyowlwrites
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#NOT TO BE NSFT ON MAIN#But I'm going through it... and by it I mean well... the horn knee#but like. lots of Thoughs about- HFH how Valentin is probably the first trans guy for Mitch#not that its rare by 2077 but because I HC him as demisexual#his first time was late-ish compared to his friends - he didnt had a lot of lovers - then there was Scorpion#who was more of a brother than a boyfriend but I DO HC THAT THEY ROLLED IN THE HAY Alright#But back to the thingy-- He's probably not experienced when it comes to Well Tdicks right#Mitch start to develop feelings for Val too the whole vets group start to notice it hardcore#cause these two gonkasses arent exactly subtle - they're just blind#and so one night while the vets are chillin drinkin the usual#subject comes up like eyy hows it going with V you gonna rizz him up or what#Mitch going PFFF idk what yall talkin about but he's red and suddenly don't know what to do with his hands#conversation goes and he's all like awkward cause Well Duh#Boys take showers together so everyone knows Val isnt Cis- there's others trans folks in the camp too its nothing unusual just an info#and get this... what if. its Butch Grease Queen Carol who gives him tips on how to get his boy all rilled up#while drunk ofc - Mitch wishin he could disapear from the discussion cause it's just too much but lowkey taking notes HKGJDKZKG#while some other vet goes on about how good it feels in there tm and all-- YNOW WARM N WET AND ALL#Mitch just nervously laugh and thanks them for the advices tm even if nothing will ever happen and just change the subject#he def jerk off in his tent tho cause he can't keep the vision out mH. hhhHHFHHF 👁👁#and he'd be like damn here I go doin it over a friend again and feels guilty next time he sees Val#(val def does it too in his northern appartment#idk where im going with this don't mind me JHGJ#sex is such an insignificant part of their love - its present and they explore all type of stuff together#but its not something that would ever be source of problem or doubts if that makes any sense#while simultaneously being important - cause Mitch was Val first time - and in a way Val was Mitchs first too#and his boy sure does feel nice /)UwU(\ weeeee#tbd
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I was going to write this in the tags of your last post but i think it's important actually so I'm gonna send an ask
On a more serious note I'm actually kind of obsessed with psychoanalyzing Zoro specifically. Because he actually has some pretty big issues I think, mentally
He takes his self appointed job as protector of the crew very very seriously, and he's really hard on himself if he thinks he's failed in any way. I mean just look at him right after Little Garden, or how mad he is after losing his shadow on Thriller Bark.
So yeah there's nothing in that brain but swords and I fucking love that about him, he sure is sharpening them to an unhealthy degree isn't he. He's never strong enough, after all, to protect everyone.
I just,, really like combining silly ideas with serious ones, it's fun
GOD listen is 12:25 am but I just couldnt go to bed without at least STARTING to jot down my thoughts on this but like YEAH. for SURE. Zoro for all that he’s shown to be a pretty simple guy with a single-minded focus, has a LOT to chew on in terms of character depth and layers. There’s lots of fun contradictions to him too. He’s prideful and self-assured but also so often self-punishing, and he’s also someone who is fiercely independent and a free spirit, while having a habit of building his own identity around others (both his dreams are shared with others, they belong other people as much as they do to him and that’s a LOT to think about).
You may have actually caught me red handed here cause that ‘Journey to the Center of the Mind’ story concept maaaay be kind of something i’ve played around with for months now. I think I once tried to write out like a basic premise, but the only thing I really remember is is wanting Luffy to be the primary person to undergo the journey cause. if every Strawhat was present it’d feel less intimate, less personal, and I feel like Luffy would want to explore Zoro’s mind alone to preserve his privacy. Unaware that he’s the person Zoro has the most to hide from. I think the levels of Zoro’s willingness to put the Strawhat’s well being first has the potential to truly frighten him, if the visuals Zoro’s mind provides him are right.
#The idea I had written down is a little embarrassing to talk about too in depth tho dkfjd its silly#It’s a very vague rough draft at best and I dont have a lot of practice in writing. It’d definitely be too ambitious in execution for me#I just remember being very excited to use the wisteria symbol throughout the story… since Oda said it was like ‘his’ plant#I thought that maybe the reason Zoro was put into a situation where he NEEDED to be saved from his own mind could be#smth very mysterical and magical some unexplainable grandline phenomenon#I pictured a big wisteria tree that preys on human’s will#Zoro would lay down to nap under its shade unknowingly and it would quickly plant its roots right into his brain.#and slowly make it so he feels more and more emotionally fatigued until he can’t even bring himself to wake up#He’d have to be reinvigorated somehow#and maybe at first Luffy would think that the way to do that is by reminding him that he has to fight for the crew and his dream#(which is a reasonable assumption as that usually works)#and later realize that maybe what Zoro needs to be reminded of is that he needs to fight for HIMSELF.#Something that he hasn’t 100% done since he promised to Kuina their dream would be shared#ANYWHO. ITS ABOUT TO BE 1 AM NOW#I am not a night owl!!! Sorry for any typos and for the longass tags skfjsk#my post#ask#💚
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Ur tags about how Miles and Pavitr are the ones who say "I can do both" because it IS quintessential spiderman thinking AND because they're too young to have seen that devastatingly not work yet. BUT the thing is they are RIGHT but only if it's "we"! Spiderman's mythos is inherently a lonely one reinforced by Miles and Gwen's isolation and by every. single. intro. reminding us that every spider person is the "one and only spider person"! And yet!! These films are just about relationships (1/2)
YES YEAH YOU GET IT !!!! and (quite recently rewatched it and mentioning it here cause i can't believe i forgot to mention it in the post you're talking about) it really gets me that gwen also says 'i was doing both' in regards to protecting miles and protecting the canon event, and i love that the phrase was reflected like that, even tho (at this point of the movie) miles and gwen pretty much oppose each other in views/priority !!
it also absolutely kills me the way that gwen begins (like you say) atsv quitting the band and isolates herself, and then throughout the whole thing she finds something/someone that she wants to take that leap for, all over again :') she (and the entire spider-team!!) is willing to bet everything on miles and is ready to fight for him, and i really just love the idea that miles just is a force that inspires good !!!! IT REALLY IS ALL ABOUT LOVE!!!
#and . i dont think she would have done this without reconciling with her dad and that entire speech.#i do think that acceptance and love meant everything to her when she was at her lowest and it pushes her to do more +#AND it shows her canon events arent necessarily end alls. and it reflects in how she tells miles parents how much he loves them#just feel like. gwen now believes that love he has couldnt ever be bad. and it shouldn't have to make the world end...#and she believes it wont. AUGH#also been thinking that it's such a fun way to reflect that 'parker luck'#where yknow . where peter just cannot balance his two identities#and usually a spider-man success means something in his personal life goes badly#and idk i love when things are acknowledged to be like. the RESULT of being spider-man .#its fun to me. perhaps i am analysing media wrong. but tragedy magnet spider-man is so fucking depressing on many levels#and that opens up barbie dreamhouse levels of fun to me#generally superheroes creating their own enemies on accident . like ssm's venom was a goldmine to me i enjoyed that interpretation so much#i dont think miguel was right tho . fate of the multiverse/anomaly/etc I DONT CARE OLD MAN. UR OPINION WAS OVER WHEN U STARTED BEEF W MILES#and so sorry this took forever to reply to omg i adored reading this meta !!!!!#answered#disinherits#long post#sorry everyone the floor was open for my deranged takes again
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1/ this bout of comms almost done and 2. spawndate in 3 days so I have! been fixin up some stuff for the itch store. that'll go live on the 29th! right now there Is a pack of the lineart stuff I did last year for folks who found that agreeable, still free to grab! for practicing coloring, or if you wanna mess around with colors when ur not feelin like doing lineart, or if you wanna try to figure out colors in a drastically different style than what you usually go for. or if u just wanna look at it that's cool too. small announcement that is all see u in a few
#bakuspeech#update on the situation: is mostly contained. it'll take a fair bit to make up for how much it's kicked us in the nuts#but it's doable. just Very annoying and tedious and sudden and overall it just sucks#esp. like right up close to my birthday lmao. like if it happened earlier this year I'd be like alright. sucks shit but par for the course#this year has already been so fucked up. this might as well happen#but since it's happened in december it really brings on the feeling of like. fr bitch?#right in front of my cake? me the birthday boy? the specialest fucking boy?#but well. theres a Thing around here that's ur birthday usually being the unluckiest day#but also we're the kind of folks who track death dates rather than birthdays. like up until very recently#all four of my grandparents have unspecified birthdays. their birth years aren't even correct. on paper they're like#a few years older than they actually are#and my granddad on my dads side was even from a family of some means so it wasnt even a class thing#man. last year Something was happening around this time too. idr what but it also sucked#mmm. well. what is really just is. and I've already taken a hammer to it anyhows#I'll do the same for the birthday thing. it Will be fucking good. I take a hammer to it#I'm very glad I still get some commissions even tho it was practically right up to noel#you guys are very generous. I don't say it as often as I should I think but I'm very very thankful for the support#glad to hang out around here still. glad to have the folks I have here. thank u for chillin with me#please look forward to the itch store update. got a new thing along with the old things ported over. stay tuned
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on one hand. it's deeply funny how whenever I'm in a new situation/I'm busy my bodies just like yeah we don't need food right it's fineee and then I barely eat because I forget to/don't feel like it. on the other hand I would really like to. yk. try more Japanese food while I'm here? like cmon man work with me here
#its like#im not not eating yk#ive been living off seven eleven sandwiches and onigiri#and a shit ton of drinks while I'm out#i think its a combo of like#a. me kinda shifting into the same mindset i get at cons where its just go go go make the most of it do everything you can eat and feel like#shit when you get home#b. food expensive. not that expensive but it feels like a cost yk#c. shit ton of unfamiliar food and again. dont want to waste money on something i wont like. my ass is bad with certain textures and tastes#i feel bad getting boring western food bc migjt as well try something new while im here right but also all the new stuff scares me#d. going anywhere that isnt a self serve conbini/fast food place is uh. terrifying? idk.how to do that#e. i just forget food is a thing i need#idk im bad with food in general#hashtag autism thingss#but i think theres just a lot of compounding factors that lead to more stress around this#(new country so new things so i dont know if ill like them but i need to try them while im here bc i migjt never get to again and then ill#regret it forever but idk how but i cant just keep going to the same two or three places but going anywhere else takes forever ajd feels#like a waste of time but-)#so my brain just kinda goes. lmaao yeah no and then avoids thinking abt it?#or maybe im just overthinking it who fuckin knows#probably overthinking. and oversharing#lol. lmao even#idk im not really a huge food person anyway? still seems like a waste ig#drinks are fucking incredible tho#and hey im getting hydrated while im walkong aroind thats more than i usually get#imngonna. shut up jow#me.txt
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#honestly they moved me to a different office right now so im not alone in my place anymore and tbh i should not be complaining bc at least#this one gets warn fast and im not in the open first to call usually and all but idk i feel like an intruder there and miss having lots of#place and the fact noone seen my screen etc and just overall i would prefer sitting next to the guys but also 😶 idk i just dont like anyone#hearing my phone calls etc and also i fucked up at work today BADLY but noone knows yet and this sounds like i fuck up a lot but i always#called the smaller mistakes this too i guess shskd also i almsof argued with a man who's our client on the phone but for gods sake i do know#i am right and idk if he's making me feel stupid or something or is he using one of my mistakes for his own good idk idk idk it will be a#nightmare to make this work now#and also we are having some kind of meeting with food etc tomorrow in the office upstairs but also rhe atmosphere is so not it and dudes not#at work tomorrow and he should be the one in there and like idk it all works like a fucked up chaos i also almost argued with the d irector#today bc of this lmao almost on dude's behalf bc tht waa the situation that pissed me off first#and i got to walk or catch a bus home tomorrow and like my mind does work so fast and keeps overthinking lately 😕#walking isnt the best best for me tbh#also i made plans with my friend and i do hope i open to her during the weekend bc i want to talk about everything so badly but at the same#time idk like i cant talk about personal things anymore (except here) she doesn't know what is making w suffer 😔#i think i made a decision about monday tho not the best one but both were bad so at least here i am...#anyone i am still helpless and that's what the sentence will end at bc i don't want to say the same thing again and again and again#anywya i have to delete this bc its too much details soon
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Cancelled the in person interview for today after discussing phone interview with Mum and Housemate last night (and the numerous red flags and cost of the lyft there and back for a job that ultimately the place wouldn't be able to convince me to take if offered, bc the general consensus was 'this is literally likely to be as bad as the current job BUT with the added cost of lyfts back and forth that they wouldn't be paying enough to offset, why on earth would you (me) take this job lmaooooo')
Which works out good bc the ongoing Mum trauma stuff is hitting hard as soon as I've woken and maybe I can get the Big Cry out today. Or write down any of the memories that have been playing on repeat in my mind
(with all this said, yes, I still asked and do legitimately care abt my mum's opinion and experience with jobs despite this; yes it feels weird; no I don't know how healthy that is or not lmao but I'm gonna lean towards Not Healthy bc im discovering that the work my previous doc did certainly uncovered this codependency and trauma which absolutely was a great help but like...we didn't actually really untangle any of it so I could try and untangle myself from my mum, even from 1600+ miles from one another. So. probably not healthy.)
#text post#Housemate was the far more helpful one of ae and mum tho and im very grateful ae took the time to talk over the interview with me#to help me figure out if doing the in person was worth it#mum did kind of help in that she pointed out several dakota eye like red flags from the employer that in retrospect yeah#were flying right in front of my face but i just. want to find better work so it's hard to ignore the red flags sometimes#until someone else goes uhhhhh hey maybe not this job no matter how desperate you feel#which is what it boiled down to more or less in discussion with both of them last night#it's just a weird thing of mum was still helpful and im glad i had a call with her but also it was low key triggering#and part of me wants to call her back and ask if she knows that she's a major part of why i struggle to say no to anyone#who feels even vaguely an authority figure over me no matter what my feelings are or if im being hurt#because id rather be obedient and pleasing than independent and honest (& possibly disappoint ppl with the latter)#but let's be real she wouldn't have an answer. it's beyond her to even think of this stuff#she'd be upset and offended and I'd be groveling like usual to try and make up for daring to question any part of our relationship#the same groveling i do on autopilot for any potential offense because it doesn't matter even if i asked & was given permission#im still always finding there's something i need to ask her forgiveness for anyway#but i love her and am incredibly grateful for her and how much she's given of herself to me as a single mum#idk im gonna shut up abt emotions for now and figure out what on earth im doing with myself today
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every time i think im finally moving on i think something or read something that makes me realize that i am, in fact, NOT moved on yet
#and to think that before i took that trip i didnt rly think much of our relationship#like i just thought 'yeah we r probably gonna end up together at some point but i dont have feelings anymore'#i barely took a hit when we broke up. this is hitting me harder than when we broke up. probably bc it didnt feel real ig#ive talked this over so much w my friends and every time i still find a new angle to interpret something from#and it always makes me feel like shit#like if i have to explain it to someone wtf do i even say#'yeah no so we broke up 2 yrs ago and we only rly saw each other twice and we dated for like 7 months#and weve been friends for longer than weve been together (pre and post breakup) but i still have feelings for them#even tho i thought i didnt but it hit me hard when we talked abt stuff and reacted unexpectedly to something they told me#even tho i shouldnt have reacted like that bc WE WERE NOTHING AT THAT POINT even though when we last saw each other#we basically acted like a couple??? like we just went right back to how we acted the few times we've seen each other#(which might have something to do w it btw) and idk man the way /i/ acted was completely different from other times#and the way THEY acted was. well. it was how they usually acted w me before BUT w [redacted thing] happening#(which i learned afterwards) thinking abt it now IS WEIRD. and now idk what to do or how to stop thinking abt the whole situation'#like. how do i say all this to someone. without sounding crazy or like im losing my mind#anyways guys im fine soooooooo fine. so so so fine. not like i need to talk to someone about it and wallow in my misery again#not like ive been wallowing in misery for the past like. 3 weeks#actually its been more like. switching between wallowing in misery and seething in anger. no in between.#and also blaming everything on myself. for being in a bad mental spot when we broke up (which was the reason we broke up)#for acting like i did. for being like this w my feelings. for EVERYTHING#z xarre
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choked so hard swallowing my drink down the wrong way that I almost puked and I'm still kinda nauseous hours later, so lol. also, friend (the mutual work friend of me and my man that actually hangs out with him outside of work) witnessed and started saying something about how some people choke on things like that bad enough that it kinda spooks them from drinking and they get dehydrated out of paranoia (no idea if that's true, sounds fake but whatever, he's one of those people yk?) and my dumb ass, full of autism and pure thoughts only, said "damn, if that were a problem I wouldn't be able to put nothing in my mouth, my gag reflex is shit 😞😞" which has probably made it's way to my man. because I'm stupid and was really woozy from coughing til I almost vomited and totally didn't think of what I was saying.
#doesnt help that a few days ago we were all hanging out smoking#and i dont get high easy with others evidently but they all have MAJOR tolerance and experience and im baby#so i feel pretty mellow and dazed pretty quick when we do anything despite them all feeling almost nothing#(even though my man is very quick to tell me when something isnt even strong so idk what everyone else ive smoked with is smoking)#(because i hardly get the slightest bit chill from it any time i smoke with anyone else usually)#(but i digress)#and so i was higher than i mayhaps should have been from what i had because again hella baby#but i heard friend say *SOMETHING* that 100% had my name and i think had the word “head” in it#in like a whisper to my man who was sitting on the couch between us#and i was like “okay im feeling kinda dazed and shit and i have hearing issues and hes very much talking so i cant hear--”#“--so i shouldnt make assumptions on what he said because im probably REALLY mishearing what i did hear lol”#but then my man kinda glanced at me and made a noise (an almost laugh??) and said “nah not yet” quiet but not as much as a whisper as friend#so i do lowk wonder if i heard right lol#and if i did thats a whole other story#because pooki cmon#babygirl get real#i sleep over there not infrequently and we cuddle hella intertwined and kiss and all#ive told him that im stupid as fuck and have anxiety so i need things EXTRA communicated with me#ive hinted at kink#ive told him that i trust him fully not to force me to do anything that i dont wanna do and that as long as hell take no for an answer--#--id have no issue with him telling me what to do more often because i again trust him and would say no if i really didnt want to#(in nonsexual situations like him asking if i wanted to go run an errend with him or wait for him at his place and such)#that i was hoping hed be more confident in making a move by now#but im acespec and in zero rush because sex is take it or leave it to me#id do it for him and i really do want to but its so not a need or even much of a craving#but i might bring it up eventually if he doesnt because he is so sweet and cute and i think he just doesnt wanna assume#because he had to be told that its okay to kiss me and that he can and should talk to me at work like a normal person#so i deadass think he just doesnt want to force me into anything but is also bad at communicating so he doesnt really ask either#its just funny that i think they were talking about me giving head a few days ago and i choked and said something stupid today tho#whores lovesick musings
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Thinking about what happened in the summer
Kids are... Really different when it comes to spending three weeks without their parents
Some start crying near the end of first day
Some start crying after couple of days
And some don't show anything while feeling the same
And being... I think English has a good word for that, let's go with a teacher but mix it with caretaker a little bit
I think seeing a kid cry at the end of that first day finally short circuited my brain, teens are way harder to understand that pre-teens who are literally still kids
They come around after a week, settle down and find new friends and your job stays the same mostly to be the one controlling their behavior
And then you'd have a kid crying again, because they miss home and the only thing you can really do is comfort them that they're not stuck here forever and that time flows so fast they won't notice it
And maybe they didn't. Time really did flew and they were leaving
Parents visited kids sometimes, of course, and it was so scary at first but they were mostly friendly and nice
Maybe because of that group chat that let them see that their kids are fine and are having fun
In the end for kids it was painful at first, but fun in the end. I got hugged more times than I could count when they were all leaving
And then poof
Back to your own life you go, like nothing happened
#not art#irl stuff#some thoughts#Every time I tried mixing my 'usual' behavior with the one I had back in the camp it felt like adding acid into water in the wrong order#Because it didn't feel right and it felt right at the same time#Like I just suddenly got a brand new way of behavior all together and it was so different that I stopped recognizing myself#Literally I'd work all day without much of a thought head full of WHERE EVERYONE IS ARE THEY SAFE??? And then at break near night go 'huh'#And at first I tried desperately to catch the usual behavior and bring it back on the break#And it never led to anything good because I'm supposed to be fully like in daytime 24/7#I did that one sketch of silly guys to just keep at least something in my head aside from being fully aware 24/7 of every passing second#I still don't know if I miss that or not#It felt so nice to not feel like I have no goal in mind anymore#A goal of 'get to the end of this with all of the kids fine and safe' without ever swearing or making them feel threatened was... Exhaustin#I never became some super sweet person to know so I did what I knew best - talked a lot telling about the things they liked#And if a kid is curious being interesting by telling stories that they didn't know about the things they liked is a way to be liked#Most of them probably forgot about me existing there but some probably didn't and would return next year again#Honestly I don't know why I failed so many exams when becoming a teacher is the only thing that makes me truly happy now#And super tired because THAT'S WORK and it's exhausting as hell some kids love to fight and you need all your diplomacy to work with it#Maybe that's just me missing my time with siblings when they were little I didn't get much time being a good elder sibling to them#I can't associate this work with becoming a parent for a month because I'm still not so different from those kids#Like... I've literally have been told by older kids that they mistook me for a teen like them#Excuse you but I'm like 7 years older than that#It was funny tho because I was considered a bit closer to them all instead of being a big bad grown-up#Yet some kids despised me because of that in the first group because welp not being an authority figure sucks#That being my first job sucks even more because I had no idea about the unspoken rules while everyone had aside from me and mom#Second try was way better because I knew exactly what I had to do even if I was terrible at making us participate in dances and songs#Thankfully it started raining and don't you dare let kids get cold from being in the rain at night that's just ridiculous#So it was like we had a slumber party with me letting them watch GF on my laptop and read some comics#It was way better than being forced to look at the other groups winning all over again. Kids disliked losing so many times in a row#And in the end the things we planned weren't exactly enough but when they were kids were happy and I was happy because we put so much effor
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