#used to be that i believed in love [ mercedes ; youth ]

[ummick]

Mick Schumacher At the Crossroads Between WEC and F1: "I Still Don't Know Where I'm Going"

Interview with the young 25-year-old German, who is finishing his endurance season because he is unable to compete in the final 2024 F1 GPs.

He could have been with Williams in F1 this weekend in Baku. More than one believed that he was going to replace Logan Sargeant at Grove from Monza. Instead, Mick Schumacher is at Fuji to continue his hypercar program. In Japan, we felt the young German was somewhat bitter at not being in Azerbaijan. It is clear that he has unfinished business with Formula 1, he who still wants to prove what he's worth in a better context than the one he experienced in 2021 and 2022. In the meantime, he takes stock of this year, where the Alpine program in WEC was a bone to gnaw for him. "When I started my career on circuits, I never imagined one day doing endurance," Mick told us in the Fuji paddock. "It was a year of firsts for everyone. My first time in WEC, but also the first year of the Alpine LMDh. Nevertheless, we've done good things while being in the learning phase. We must keep in mind that we're beginners. There's still a lot of work to do for all of us."

The transition to long-term races was also not easy for the 25-year-old, who nevertheless established himself as a valuable element of the Alpine team throughout the races. "I had to learn to drive with cars of different categories on the track, something I had never experienced in the single-seater era," continues the ex-Haas driver. "Fortunately, my teammates Nicolas Lapierre and Matthieu Vaxivière helped me a lot and still help me today. In addition, the Alpine is heavier while having less power and downforce than an F1 car, so it's less exhilarating to drive. But it's comparing apples and pears since they are two completely different categories of cars." Having already tamed old F1 cars that marked the career of his illustrious father Michael, the former Formula 2 champion did not remain indifferent to a Silver Arrow which was synonymous with a springboard in the Kaiser's career. Ironically, the prototypes served as a fallback for both Michael and Mick at a time when their careers were at a crossroads. "Of course, I love driving the cars that my father once raced with. Not long ago I was able to try the Sauber-Mercedes that he raced in Group C in the early 90s. It was really nice." If the doors of F1 were to definitively close for Schumi Jr, it's not excluded to see him try legendary races in the future. "I haven't yet put myself in a position to know if I can freelance elsewhere. Of course, I'm keeping an eye on the Indianapolis 500 or even the Dakar. But I haven't yet thought about whether it was doable for me in the near future, but it's true that it would be fun to participate in the Dakar one day, even if this event requires a lot of preparation."

Or, racing at Le Mans with Uncle Ralf and cousin David? The latter recently hit the headlines by successfully racing in LMP3 and dreams of eventually being in Sarthe. "Unless David and Ralf choose to do hypercar, it would be complicated to organize that. I still don't know where I'm going in my career. At the moment, I'm not saying yes or no because I don't know where I'll be in a few years." While waiting to know what the future holds for him, Mick will try to achieve a good result at the foot of Mount Fuji. "The two Alpines performed very well in Austin. We can be proud of what we've done. We of course hope that this will be confirmed, even if it's a very different track. We remain cautious, but we hope that it'll go well. If everything falls into place in the race we can fight for the podium, but out of respect for the youth of the program, we avoid thinking about it too much." And to decide if it will stop or still for him in the WEC next year.

[f1crecs]

'Megaverse Monday - Week Six

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Carlos/Charles

you let me in, and baby that's when by @betzykielberg | Not Rated | 193.7k | WIP

Carlos and Charles witness a crime and end up in witness protection posing as a couple. Alpha!Carlos, omega!Charles. This author has a way of writing that makes the characters feel so real and present, and I always find myself swept away by the emotions their writing induces in me. This fic follows the developing relationship between Charles and Carlos, who both have been hurt by their significant other before and have the emotional scars to prove it. It is a fic that makes you believe that while love can be the thing that hurts you the most it can also be as good and wholesome as in the movies, if you work for it.

Charles wasn’t a good Omega, he'd never been, and would never become, a good Omega, and in his teenage years after coming to the conclusion that an Alpha would never want someone like him, he'd decided that there was no point in trying to conform to the societal expectations that were pushed upon him. Thusly, he'd been a very bad Omega, enjoying his youth for all it was worth and it had worked for a while. When he'd met Peter, he had almost started to doubt this, wondered if an Alpha could want him after all, that he could be good enough, but it had turned out that he'd been right all along. No Alpha would ever want him, it wasn’t in the cards for Charles to live his life happily mated, he was destined for other things.

nsfw: 18:16 by venerat | E | 8.9k

Carlos, an alpha, is in a contented and comfortable relationship with Lorenzo, a beta. When Carlos meets Lorenzo's omega brother, he experiences temptation unlike anything he has ever known. What I liked about it: This fic is bittersweet. Carlos's relationship with Lorenzo is good, and stable, if maybe a little settled, and he is a good man and a good boyfriend. Charles is something of a force of nature, however, and once Carlos sees and scents him, it's the beginning of the end for him and Lorenzo.

God, if he was fruit, Carlos would have been sent down from the garden in an instant. He would have eaten Charles whole.

George/Toto

nswf: And Silver, And Samarium by @on-softs | E | 5.2k

Drivers are required to submit to their team principals in order to form a mental connection. George has difficulty doing so. (There is a dubcon warning on this fic, I would call it mild but YMMV) Why I liked it: The George POV is very believable, his desire to submit is strong but his anxiety about not doing it well enough is interfering with the mental process of it. Toto is authoritative and gentle with him, and applies his problem solving abilities to the problem at hand.

When he imagined it actually happening, submitting to Toto, there was no real setting. White light, like how the afterlife looked in films, because his brain hadn’t wanted to expend the power to render the rest of it. It was all just Toto and the warm folds of his face and how they’d crease while smiling down on George from such an unfamiliar, acute angle, George at his heel, combining himself perfectly into his vast, sweeping presence, lunging at the chance. George was ready to belong to Mercedes. Ready to be fast. He’d proven it. He supposed that was a childish way to imagine things, but that was always how he thought of it.

Charles/Max

nsfw: sweet kiwi (your juice is dripping down my chin) by @amarynas | E | 5.8k

One day, Charles wakes up with a pussy, and he isn't sure what to do with it. In comes a vibrator, and Max Verstappen. This was super hot (big chussy fan) and the plot is also so so funny. Charles wakes up in an alternate universe pretty much, and although it's supposed to be straight up smut, it's really really funny.

People couldn’t read clocks in dreams, right? He hurdled back to his bed, trying his best to ignore the missing feeling of his cock slapping against his thigh, and tapped on his phone screen. Wednesday, 2. August it read, and underneath 08:38. Since when did he have his phone set to English? Another thing he could, and should, worry about later. For now, the pussy problem was his biggest issue.

thank you to @lydia-petze @blueballsracing and @frickinsweet for compiling this week's list 🤍

[fortunebuoyed]

mercedes tag dump 2/2

[stephspurs]

A Family Affair | Euro 2020 Football Fanfiction

hey besties!! here is part 8! Part 8 see's Amelia in a change of colours, her friendship with Jorgi explored more, an awkward Chelsea player and a cheeky Villa boy. Please enjoy & send me your thoughts! Love always, Steph xx

Part 8. | parte otto

word count;  1569 writing tools; third person until dashed line, first person thereafter. next update; Wednesday 11/08 5pm AEST. Updates are three times/week (Monday, Wednesday & Friday)! tags (as requested by users); @footballffbarbiex @obsesseds-world @abysshaven link to fic masterlist here

Landing in the rarely-sunny but always wonderful London town, Amelia was swiftly picked up from the airport by a man in a blacked out Mercedes van and driven away to her new club-appointed accommodation in the royal borough of Kensington and Chelsea. The 24 year old couldn’t help but feel a sense of home resonating through her body. Yes, Italy was also her home for the last 3 years, but there was something in the air in London that really made her believe that this is where she was meant to be.

Whilst happy that her quintessentially-British townhouse was a mere stones throw from Stamford Bridge and her family home just on the other side of the park in Holland Park she was still a 30+ minute commute, without traffic & one way, from Cobham. Beggars can’t be choosers, at least this way she was close to the hustle and bustle of London City, as well as her family and old friends.

A few days had passed since her talk with Fede, her swift departure from bella Italia saw only a small gathering occur at her apartment with some of the juventus boys on the eve before her flight. Constant check-ins from La Cosa Nostra whatsapp group chat, of course the word had spread to the rest of the Italian national team before she had even returned home from Fede’s place, meant that she was never left alone to her thoughts for too long.

Keeping the promise he had made when she phoned to tell him the news, Jorgi was knocking on her front door at 7:30am the following Monday morning, ready to drive the both of them to Cobham for Amelia’s first full day of work. He was the only person who knew she was taking this offer, other than the professional staff at Chelsea FC who had to organise her contract, so it was very much a nerve-wracking drive to the suburban training ground.

“Sapevo che stavi bene con il blu Azzurri, ma il blu Chelsea è un'altra benedizione che mi è stata conferita” (i knew you looked good in Azzurri blue, but Chelsea blue is another blessing bestowed upon me) Jorgi exclaimed as she opened the door to his car and slid in, having stopped right in front of her house in a no-park zone.

“Morning Jorgi, Thanks so much for picking me up - i’ll sort out a car this weekend i suppose”

“It's not a problem, I'm only a couple of streets away anyway so it's not out of my way.”

The pair caught up on the past couple of weeks without each other, speaking on the Fede situation and Amelia’s feelings. The best thing about Jorgi was how he was able to see both sides of the story. He valued Amelia's opinion and feelings as much as his long-time friend, Fede. He knew how hard it was for both parties to come to an amicable separation & he was making a mental note to call his italian pal to thank him for letting the girl go.

Amelia’s first day at Cobham was heavily administrative, spending a lot of time sorting out paperwork, meeting the team of staff she would be joining, getting her uniform, sorting out her office. After a quick bite to eat with the head analyst, Paolo (she just couldn’t seem to escape the Italians altogether), she collected her leather bound notebook and followed her colleague to the first team wing of Cobham. Whilst she was strictly working with the first team, she had expressed interest early on & stipulated it in her formal acceptance, that she wanted the opportunity to work with the academy players and the freedom to dip into the talent pool of Chelsea youth, to assist in perfecting her tactical plays.

She couldn’t deny that the blue of her uniform was the perfect shade to bring out the blue in her more-often-than-not grey eyes, she felt comfortable in it, she felt part of the team. Pushing open the door ahead of them, Paolo stood to the side like a true gentleman and gestured to Amelia through the door first.

______________________________________________________________

Walking in, I noticed that the scene in front of me was similar to the first time I met with some of these players. With their backs to me, facing the front, listening to every word that Tuchel was saying to them. I snuck in, stood to the side and waited for my introduction which came very shortly after.

“I want you all to meet the new tactical analyst that the club has appointed following a very successful european campaign this past summer, Amelia White” Thomas directed towards me, and just like that, a slight bit of deja-vu settled in as i watched 30+ sets of eyes turn to look at me. Some were happy to see me, some were polite and offered a small smile, and just one set looked a little shocked and very guilty.

“I trust you all will treat her with the respect that you show me, Paolo and all other members of this professional staff. We had to fight tooth and nail for this girl to join us and I can’t express how lucky we all are to be learning from her.” Tuchel dismissed his team, Jorgi pushing through the chairs to get to me.

“Amelia! What a surprise! Why didn’t you tell me about this!” Jorgi rushed over to me and wrapped me in a hug that I didn't return. Less than impressed with the boy's antics and sarcasm.

“Oh be quiet, you drove us both here today.” I spoke with a smile and rolled my eyes.

“Always the trouble maker Jorgi!” Mason Mount spoke from behind him.

“Amelia, nice to see you again! Can’t believe you didn’t tell us in the group chat!” Mason continued as he greeted me hello.

“Haha yeah, it all happened very quickly & to be honest, my decision wasn’t final until a couple of days ago. I had a few opportunities and I had to weigh up my options, Chelsea were willing to go a bit above the other clubs so it became obvious. Besides, someone once told me I would look good in the Chelsea blue” That someone also being the person who avoided my messages, and who is currently avoiding my eyes.

Later that evening.

“As if I deserved to know you picked the blues on sky sport?” Jack questioned the girl over facetime that evening, keeping their friendship tradition alive and cooking together.

“It all happened so quickly Jack, I was in talks with a few clubs and there was a bit of a tussle and negotiation stage and then I just had to pick one. Chelsea offered me the opportunity to foster the youth team talent and no one else was willing to cross-contaminate their professional staff” Amelia hurried down the phone, afraid that she hurt the brummie lad’s feelings.

“Calm down Mils, it's fine! I’m only playin wiv’ya. I’m happy for you - and me too, now I can come visit ya and have a place to stay in the city” He joked back to her. Jack had a certain way of calming the girl down, he reminded her a lot of Fede. He could read her before she came to terms with her own thoughts and feelings.

“Are you trying to tell me that you, with all of your friends and all of your money, need to rely on little old me for a place to stay in the city?” The joking tone went back to normal with the two flirtatious friends.

“No, I'm just saying that I'm happy you’re in the city. Ya know, it’s only a 2 hour drive. I could easily come down on a Friday after training and be back before a Sunday game…”

“2 hours is far too long to be in the car just to spend the day with me”

“That's where you’re wrong, it would be two nights and one whole day. Besides, 2 hours in the car is better than having to fly to get to you. I was prepared to do the latter anyway before your big move back to London” Oh did her heart swoon inside her chest, a quick blush spread across her cheeks and a little chuckle left her lips - unable to find the right words to say back to him.

Amelia knew the dangers of the situationship, this was exactly how it happened with Fede. She couldn’t help that she was naturally playful and flirtatious, she often didn't know she was doing it. Normal conversations to her often appeared like a hardcore flirt-fest to anyone who happened to be around the girl. She didn’t want to cross that line with Jack, she knew better than to do that, especially with how she hurt Fede in the end. She didn’t know where she was going to be in a few years, nor where he was going to be.

What she also recognised in the older lad that Fede also possessed, and she would be surprised if he didnt considering he is a professional football player, is that he was determined. Too determined that sometimes it was more about the chase and the challenge, rather than the aftermath or the reward. She knew Jack wouldn’t give up on her and would always be there for her. Was it bad that she enjoyed it?

Part 9. | nona parte

[rpmemes-galore]

buffy the vampire slayer : season 1 ... sentence starters

“Very suave. Very not pathetic.“

“It's just...been a really weird day.“

“God, every day here is the same.“

“They're obnoxious. Professionally.”

“If the apocalypse comes, beep me.“

“Gee, can you vague that up for me?“

“Thanks for having confidence in me.“

“You really haven't been dating lately.“

“You're sick. And you'll always be sick.“

“You were destined to die! It was written!“

“You're that amped about Hell? Go there!“

“Well, it beats being alone all by yourself.“

“I'm sixteen years old... I don't wanna die.“

“I should've known that wouldn't stop you.“

“It's rather poetic... in a maudlin sort of way.��

“To read makes our speaking English good.“

“Okay, at this point you're abusing sarcasm.“

“Rivers of blood, hell on Earth. Quite charmless.“

“Nobody knows. It's like we've got this big secret.“

“What, they were all out of boils and blinding torment?“

“I think boys are more interested in a girl who can talk.“

“This is madness. What could you have been thinking?“

“I know. And everyone else thinks it's just a normal day.“

“Well, I think that's all the vampire information you need.“

“Does it say how he's gonna kill me? Do you think it'll hurt?“

“Honestly, what is it about them that bothers you so much?“

“What's the fun of burying someone if they're already dead?“

“I laugh in the face of danger! Then, I hide until it goes away.“

“Right. Wasn't here. Didn't see it. Couldn't have stopped you.“

“Okay, first of all, what's with the outfit? Live in the now, okay?“

“There's a reason why you're here, and a reason why it's now!“

“Mostly they're just gonna kill you. Why am I still talking to you?“

“Bright, sunny, beautiful... However can we escape this torment?“

“That's what a secret is, when you know something other guys don't.“

“Maybe you could blow something up. They're really strict about that.“

“Did you really think you could best me here when you couldn't below?“

“I was hoping I wouldn't have to, that there was some way around it. I...“

“I may be dead, but I'm still pretty. Which is more than I can say for you.“

“I really believe if we all reach out to one another we can beat this thing.”

“Let's face it: none of us are ever gonna have a happy, normal relationship.“

“You mean there's actually someone in this town who doesn't know already?“

“You have no idea what it's like to have done the things I've done... and care.“

“It may be that we are all that stands between the Earth and utter destruction.“

“Well, I gotta look on the bright side. Maybe I can still get kicked out of school.“

“Now, we can do this the hard way, or... well, actually there's just the hard way.“

“It's funny how the Earth never opens up and swallows you when you want it to.“

“I make allowances for your youth, but I expect a certain amount of responsibility.”

“I know you have feelings for this guy, but it's not like you're in love with him, right?“

“I'm not worried. If there's something bad out there we'll find, you'll slay, we'll party!“

“Well, uh, maybe I'll see you around... maybe at school... since we... both... go there.“

“The influx of the undead, the... supernatural occurrences, it's been building for years.”

“It's not like any of them really know me. I don't even know if they like me half the time.”

“Well, this is nice. It's a little bare, but a dash of paint, a few throw pillows... call it home!“

“You’re sullen, and rude, and you’re not nearly as bright as I thought you were going to be.“

“It's devastating. He's turned into a sixteen-year-old boy. Of course you'll have to kill him.“

“Whew, that's a relief! I'm telling you, having a secret identity in this town is a job of work.“

“For hundreds of years I offered ugly death to everyone I met, and I did it with a song in my heart.“

“This is just too much. I mean, yesterday my life's like, 'Uh-oh, pop quiz.' Today it's 'Rain of Toads'.“

“Are you sure? Now, this is not gonna be pretty. We're talking violence, strong language, adult content...“

“You think I want anything to happen to you? You think I could stand it? We just gotta figure out a way...“

“Hey! You think I'm never lonely because I'm so cute and popular? I can be surrounded by people and be completely alone.“

“Let's just say there was me, there was a really mean demon, there was a curse, and the next thing I know, I'm not me any more.“

“To make you a vampire they have to suck your blood. And then you have to suck their blood. It's like a whole big sucking thing.”

“Gosh, you don’t even see what’s right in front of your face, do you? Well, big surprise there, all you ever think about is yourself.“

“I'm just saying when tragedy strikes, we have to look on the bright side. You know? Like how even used Mercedes still have leather seats.“

“So he is a good vampire? I mean on a scale of one to ten. Ten being someone who's killing and maiming every night, one being someone who's... not.“

“People who think their problems are so huge craze me. Like this time I sort of ran over this girl on her bike. It was the most traumatizing event of my life, and she's trying to make it about her leg! Like my pain meant nothing.“

[fe-semi-decent-scenarios]

How would the blue lions react to facing/killing their s/o from pre-timeskip in battle?

[Wow, this actually upset me pretty hard when thinking about it lol. This kind of trope always gets me even if it’s being done by two characters that I don’t really like. It doesn’t help that there’s a thunder storm outside that’s making me feel emo. Thank you for the request, I hope you like it!] 

Dimitri: 

He’s slaughtered so many enemies that there is no more hesitance. His past self felt remorse for those he killed, and after each battle he would reflect on the dead. Unlike now. 

He still remembers, but he doesn’t feel guilty. They opposed him and stood in the way of his revenge. To Dimitri, the people he faces in battle are nothing but walking corpses awaiting his blade 

The professor had given him orders not to approach any of his old classmates. They wanted to try and save them 

He brushed it off as a wasteful effort

“An enemy is an enemy. I care not for who they are or were, I will kill them if they stand in my way” 

A regret he’ll live with for the rest of his life 

The entire battle was a blurred frenzy. In his state of mind all the cries of those he killed mixed together. He knew not of who or what met his blade 

Only when he saw the distress among his inner circle did he realize: he killed you, and he did it without pause

The professor didn’t get their opportunity to talk with you, and you barely stood a chance against his onslaught 

Another soul to haunt him 

Another loss he has no right to mourn 

Another reason to be called a monster 

Dedue: 

Once reacquainted with his fellow Lions Dedue swore himself to the cause. He would fight without pause till his dying breath 

It seemed that having him back was a boost for moral on their end as well, and he felt genuinely relieved to see that ‘everyone’ was alive and safe 

Originally he assumed that you weren’t recruited for the battle at Gronder and that he could visit you at the monestary. 

When inquiring about your whereabouts to his highness he only received a scowl. It wasn’t something new for Dimitri’s personality so Dedue decided to search during his free time

He spent ages walking around with the expectation of finding you...so, why weren’t you there? 

He’d ask the professor if you’ve gone on another mission only to see one of their rare grimaces

Hearing that you’re fighting for Edelgard confuses him. He was certain that your loyalties lied with the kingdom. With a stoic demeanor he’d drop the topic and never bring it up again 

Dedue may seem like a blind puppy who serves Dimitri, but he does have his own opinions. He just holds them back well 

People mistake it for indifference. Felix takes a few shots at him for his lack of emotion 

“You’re telling me that (Y/N)’s not here and you don’t care? Weren’t they your s/o?”                                                                                                 “My personal feelings do not matter. If they oppose his highness then there is nothing left to discuss”                                                                “You two really are a match made by the goddess. A heartless dog for a feral boar” 

When the time comes to cut you down he hovers near your body after the battle. When your buried the grave will never be empty. Every week comes with fresh flowers, and never is there any debris on your stone 

Felix:

It was your own fault. If you had backed down like the others then this could have been avoided 

If he didn’t do it then someone else would have. If he didn’t then you would have killed him instead

No. No you wouldn’t. 

Felix knows that if the roles were reversed he would still be alive

How many people is he going to lose for the sake of the boar? First his father...now- now this 

He assumed that after not seeing you in battle once that he was in the clear. You weren’t at the reunion so clearly something else must have been keeping you from coming back 

He still could find you after this ended and you both could test your metal like the old days 

It was the one relief he had  

He wasn’t expecting to see you fighting at her side. Despite his stubborn behavior his affections towards you were obvious to everyone during his youth; something the ‘Emperor’ must have saved as a trump card 

It was his responsibility to either make you see reason, or to end it all. He had not come this far just to die from old sentiments 

“I will say this once. Get out of my way (Y/N) or I will cut you down” 

You wouldn’t move or even fight back. They obviously made you into a human blockade. It was a swift death, something he continues to remind himself of

That was his final battle, one that left his sword heavy and thoughts lax 

The future he longed for is gone, so this damn war better have been worth it 

Ashe: 

Ashe doesn’t like violence. He’s a firm believer that everyone is worthy of a second chance and that people sometimes do bad things for the right reasons. A life is a life, and it is precious 

Each morning he wakes is a reminder of how lucky he is to be alive. There is no guaranteed tomorrow, and each day could be his last 

He knows because he watches. He watches as the people he used to call friends die for what they believe in. In their mind they are fighting for what they think is right, just as he is 

but he wasn’t prepared to fight you

Anyone but you. He prayed to the goddess the moment he noticed that you weren’t at the reunion. He wished for your safety, and hoped that you were not on the opposing side

He prayed that the goddess wouldn’t take you to her side 

Despite being away for so long, he still loved you. That feeling was one of the few things he still held onto from his teen years 

All faith was shattered when you appeared at the Valley of Torment. What a fitting scenery for how he felt 

“Professor, let me try to convince them. No matter what happens I have to try” 

and try he did. He begged you to switch sides once you were defeated but it was no use. You were doing what you thought was right 

He couldn’t kill you, his bow wouldn’t hold steady even if he tried. The professor took it upon themselves to do it in his stead 

He was grateful for their interference, but the image of your body won’t ever be erased from his mind 

From then on he visits the church after every battle. He’ll sit at the same pew for hours and reconcile over what he could have done differently 

He’d wonder why good people had to die for another’s benefit 

Sylvain: 

Sylvain finds the situation deplorable. Yet another person fallen to the system

Seeing you on the other side reminded him of Miklan, except you weren’t fighting to gain something. You fought for the side that wanted complete reorder

He thought your loyalties lied with the Kingdom, with him, but people change. The fire behind your attacks only fueled the questions within him. 

Questions that he wasn’t 100% sure that he wanted answers to 

Sylvain knows hatred, but just what happened to make you willing to give up everything? 

He knows better than to blame himself. People didn’t know him for being the perfect partner, but there was nothing he or anyone else could have done to change your mind 

What was he supposed to do? Lock you in the prison?Then what? It would only cause more issues. Seeing you in chains or in a cell isn’t something he could handle 

You were one of the few people to break his barriers and see beyond the stigmas that others gave him. It was his turn to try and see your side of things, but he was too late 

Just one more failure to add to the list. He failed his house, his brother, his friends, country, and now you 

After the encounter he’ll be even more unmotivated than before. He only trains because Felix forces him, and never attends any of the extra lectures offered. His humorous mask basically dissolves to reveal what he’s always been hiding: exhaustion and despondence 

If anyone tries to comfort him they’ll be brushed off

“Look, would you leave me alone? Don’t act like you understand when you can’t”

No one can, and he doesn’t want them to. He wouldn’t wish this hurt onto his worst enemy. 

Annette: 

She knew. It wasn’t the first time someone important had vanished from her life. People do not leave without reason 

She knew that you were on the Empire’s side. She knew that there was a high chance of facing you in combat 

Her father even brought up the possibility when they were alone together. He encouraged her to back down, but she insisted that all would be okay

It did not brace her for the hollow feeling of seeing your corpse 

Normally when Annette is sad she’ll garden. If she can’t sleep then the first thing she does is go water the plants while humming one of her little tunes 

So, she does. She pretends as if you two never reunited because it’s the only way she can push forward. With the situation as it is there is little optimism among the troops, she can’t afford to give in 

She turns her grief into strength and volunteers to help around the monastery 

As long as she’s busy then it’s okay. When she’s working then her thoughts can’t wander 

Eventually it will settle in though, and she’ll want to vent. Out of everyone she’ll most likely go to Mercedes since she also has someone dear to her on the other side 

“I-I don’t know what to do Mercie. It h-happened so fast but I can’t forget it!” 

Annette is strong, and will remember you as you were to her. Not a ruthless enemy, but as someone she cherishes 

Mercedes: 

After the fight she’ll visit your old room. It hadn’t been touched in so long that dust coated nearly everything 

The Empire had claimed Emile, and now you as well. When you fell it took all her willpower not to cast a healing incantation 

It wasn’t what you wanted. The professor had offered mercy, but you chose death 

A freedom she had no right to take away. With swift words she ended your life as peacefully as possible 

It came as a shock to those nearby. If she had let the professor handle the deed then perhaps the pain would be lessened  

But for some reason she couldn’t do it. Despite the tears in her eyes she refused to let you be pierced by a blade. An incantation would be more swift, painless, and leave your body as it was 

While reminiscing in your quarters she’ll tidy up the space. She’ll admire your handwriting on the withered papers, sift through what books you had been reading, and eventually the room will be good enough to be inhabited again 

Except no one would ever sleep here again, she knew it in her heart 

However, Mercedes also knows that it was your choice. She won’t blame herself over your death, but instead use it as a driving force to protect the people she cares about who are still alive 

“May the goddess guide you to eternal peace. I will never forget our time together (Y/N)” 

Ingrid: 

She wonders if it’s ‘her’ that’s the issue 

Everyone she loves is gone. Dimitri is a shell of his former self, Glenn passed, her family’s in shambles, and now you have vanished as well

Ingrid doesn't like to show weakness in front of others, but there’s only so much one person can handle 

Even a war-machine feels anguish from striking down people they care about. Ingrid has felt the hardship of losing a lover, but to be the hand striking the blow? How much strain can someone put on their emotions before everything snaps 

The days after the world is unanimated. She continues on with her normal regime as if it was a minor bump in the road. Yet food has no flavor, training leaves her body weak, sleep is difficult to come by, and when people speak it’s as if there’s no tone to their voice 

He sorrows become rage. She focuses all her negative feelings towards ending the war and it’s horrifying. Ingrid is known for her composure but if you gave her an eye-patch then the prince might have a twin

“This fight has drawn out for too long. Too many innocents have perished, and at the rate we’re going at there will be no future to speak of. Professor, my sword is yours. Let us finish this once and for all”

Pity those who cross her path. If women truly are made of ‘sugar, spice, and everything nice’ then your death has tossed five tablespoons of cayenne pepper into her mix.

[undefined5posts]

Credit: Jordan J. Lloyd

I've been trying to dive deeper into politics, discover the genuine roots of our society, the origins of our beliefs, and the consequences of our economic system. It's a big, long, wide journey and through multiple sources such as articles, images, videos and multiple social media platforms, I've been trying to educate myself more on important subjects.

Communism, capitalism, libertarian, conservative, the left, the right, the history, the impact. It is scary to commit to everything because once you start, you simply cannot stop, once you start waking up your conscience about the horrible reality, the lies, the truths, you cannot put it back to sleep. You can't just ignore prejudice, especially when you're extremely conscious of it's omnipresence. I have continually tried to build my own opinions all while actively creating bullet point arguments in my mind because I just know that at some point I will have to defend my thinking, and I want to do it right.

Now, I am so far from being enlightened, I am a beginner and an amateur in all of those themes, but I am trying, which is the only way to start and grow.

So to tell you about my beliefs, I am a militant human rights activist, I believe in equal opportunities regardless of gender identity, sex, religion, sexual orientation, ethnicity, race and disability. This is a fact, not a belief, but the system was obviously not built to protect all people, its wasn't created to serve everyone equally but to grant a privilege to some and harm others. The current state of the world is not a slip, an accident or a misfunction of our brilliant system but a testament of it operating remarkably well. I believe that equity leads to equality, and I believe that we cannot "fix" methodologies that were immorally created with absolutely no honor whatsoever. I believe in reproductive rights, in legal, safe abortions for anybody who needs one. I believe in the decriminalization of marijuana. I believe that the death penalty is a despicable punition that should be banned as soon as possible. I believe in defunding the police and the military. I believe that it is a shame that I even have to talk about police brutality, I don't want to have to say that it is one of the most horrible things our world has originated, I feel extremely dense when I do because it seems like the most obvious certitude and I refuse to believe that this is a controversial statement. I believe that everything I have just stated, along with many more, isn't anything grand but the bare minimum, the bar is low, and yet, we still have the fight for basic human decency.

Humanity has become an option. We have normalized supporting people that represent everything wrong in this world under the name of tolerance. The left has never claimed to be tolerant towards hateful beings, We have never accepted homophobia, transphobia, racism, ableism and sexism. We cannot, for exemple, accept nazis, as too much tolerance inevitably leads to intolerance. This picture explains it perfectly:

I consider myself a communist/ socialist. The two terms still confuse me a little, some say they are the same, some say they differ quite a bit. What I know is that socialism is the transitional period between capitalism and communism. At the end of the day, the final result and goal is a stateless, moneyless and clasless society that will provide to each his need.

Our capitalistic society has brainwashed us way more than you may think. It is the root of so many of our issues, the underground demon of our problems. Every idea, thought, belief, and misconception of ours were all affected by our current economic system. It has sold us the billionnaire dream which is one of the most toxic things capitalism has offered. We have looked up to billionaires for way too long, why are they so idolized? Most of them come from high upper class families that can easily afford to invest in their inventions and creations. After starting up their companies and occasionnaly stealing other's people ideas to ultimately get undeserved merit, they then can start to properly exploit their hardworking employees's labour. And for unlimited hours and a minimum wage which probably won't even suffice you to survive, you will have to either pick up more shifts or a second or even third job, especially if you have a family to support. All while the CEO barely does any of the work and gets all the praise and money. So no, they don't all come from really poor families and have built everything for nothing.

The worst thing is that we've been so gaslit and brainwashed that we're proud of our own exploitation, we are wired to think that to be successful we have to suffer, work 10 jobs we all hate, constantly pick up extra hours, have 2 hours of sleep, have no free time to do anything we love, waste our entire youth, be depressed our entire adulthood, to finally have a few pennies to spend when we're eighty. We so strongly believe that this is the only right way to be successful that I don't think many of us have dared to question it's authority, and even if we do, we quickly accept that this a truth, a fact we cannot change and this is just the way things are.

We have capitalized water, food, land, forests, oceans, space, and everything in betweeen. Money is social construct and we have deliberately let it take over our lives. To think about the wasted opportunities and the misery that we have to endure so others can enjoy life truly angers me.

Also, communism is not an ideology that has every actually taken place. Despite what they say, there was never actually a communist country. However, every nation that has attempted a socialist system, for exemple Burkina Faso, has thrived. But of course, once capitalist countries noticed that, they decided to murder it's leader. So in conclusion, the only reason socialism failed is because of capitalism and it's interventions.

"As President (1983-1987), Sankara initiated economic reforms that shifted his country away from dependence on foreign aid and reduced the privileges of government officials; he cut salaries, including his own, decreed that there would be no more flying in first class or driving Mercedes as standard issue vehicles for Ministers and other government workers. He led a modest lifestyle and did not personally amass material wealth. President Sankara encouraged self-sufficiency, including the use of local resources to build clinics, schools and other needed infrastructure. [...] President Sankara promoted land reform, childhood vaccination, tree planting, communal school building, and nation-wide literacy campaigns. He was committed to gender equity and women’s rights and was the first African leader to publicly recognize the AIDS pandemic as a threat to African countries. Although Sankara became somewhat more authoritarian during his Presidency, his ideas, and the possibility that they could spread, were viewed by many as posing the greatest threat. President Sankara was assassinated during a coup led by a French-backed politician, Blaise Compaoré, in October 1987. Compaoré served as the President of Burkina Faso from October 1987 through October 2014, when he himself was overthrown."

Via:https://africandevelopmentsuccesses.wordpress.com/2015/02/28/success-story-from-burkina-faso-thomas-sankaras-legacy/

I have been reading and watching some amazing human rights activists, notably Angela Davis, Malcolm X and James Baldwin. The people that were villainized, labeled as violent and radical, when every single word that came out of their mouhs were pure facts. They are probably some of the most eloquent people I have had the pleasure of hearing. Every sentence, every argument, every single detail made so much sense and opened my mind to so many new realizations. This is the perfect exemple of how the media tarnishes the reputation of wise black women and men. I would strongly advise you to research more about them.

"Socialism & communism are demonized in the west to the point of erasing influential individuals' socialist advocacy. Heres a short list of people you may not have known were socialists/ communists:

MLK

Albert Einstein

Nelson Mandela

Frida Kahlo

Tupac Shakur

Mark Twain

Malcom X

Oscar Wilde

Bertrand Russell

Hellen Keller

Pablo Picasso

George Orwell

Shia LaBeouf

John Lennon

Woody Guthrie

Socialism & communism are not dirty words. Some of the most brilliant minds of our history were socialists and communists. Embrace it." Via @sleepisocialist on twitter

So what else can I say, capitalism has ruined our society and the way we act and think. I know a lot of people refuse to support communism because they think it's too much of a perfect ideal utopian world for it to ever actually exist. And to that I say, first of all, so you agree, it is a wonderful theory, and second of all, a world without racism, sexism, homophobia or any kind or discrimination could also be perceived as "too ideal to actually exist", but does that mean I'm giving up on talking, educating myself and others, protesting and trying to build a better future? Absolutely not. This is the objective, it would be so dumb to think that we just couldn't achieve that so let's not even try.

I want to talk more in detail about communism, theory, human rights, etc... but I don't want to make this post any longer. I will however be posting more about it soon enough.

I know this is a little different than what I usually post, but I want to speak, tell you all my own opinions, I don't want to just repost activism related stuff. I'll continue to do that, but not exclusively. I know it won't get as many interactions as my other posts, but this is what I needed at some point in my life, and if I could make understanding some basic informations easier to some people, it'll already be a great accomplishment.

Thank you for reading.

[elexica]

Second Chance Christmas: {{ December 25 }}

https://archiveofourown.org/works/27832405/chapters/69387498

Christmas Day. *not the last chapter*

Merry Christmas y'all! Thank you for your readership, your comments, your kindness. It means so much to me. Last chapter will be up within 24 hours.

Full chapter after the read more.

Joey was rudely awakened by the thump of his entire son against his chest.  Aforementioned son was practically vibrating as he and his sister continued their complete attack, disrupting the significant quantity of pillows around.  The duvet was bouncing from the combined child-energy.

“It’s Christmaaaaaassss!!!” Atticus shouted before burying his head in a pillow.

Kaiba loomed in the doorway, sipping from a branded mug with a smug look on his face as Joey tried to calm the chaos that was Alexis jumping up and down on their bed.  Kaiba was already dressed for the day in yet another black turtleneck, and was completely devoid of any festive costume.

Shit, Joey thought.  Half the presents weren’t wrapped and should be on full display on his desk… None of them had been placed under the tree when he and Kaiba had gotten distracted and…

“Shall we see if Santa visited?” Kaiba offered.  Joey leveled a frustrated glare before his eyes managed to fix on the desk in the room which was… devoid of any trace.  The wrapping paper and remaining presents were gone.  Even the tape had been restored to its position in the caddy.

It was enough for Joey to believe, for a second, in Christmas magic.

The kids accepted their victory gracefully, scampering from the bed to the stairs and rushing down towards the stockings and the tree.

“Did you…” Joey asked, morning grogginess still sticking to him like sweet molasses.

Kaiba tossed Joey’s bathrobe onto the bed, and smirked into his mug as he stalked out.

The tree was illuminated and so thoroughly surrounded by presents, the kids couldn’t get within a three-foot radius of the base of the tree.  Still, like monsters, they ripped through the presents with alarming speed.  A hurricane of wrapping paper flew across the living room—with no regard for the delicate job of some of them, or the pretty fluffy bows affixed to the gifts.

“A yo-yo?!” Atticus announced, unwrapping a box containing a competition grade yo-yo.  Joey looked on in horror as Kaiba’s smile grew more devious.  “The string isn’t even on?!”

Atticus handed it to Joey, intuitively knowing that it wasn’t the sort of thing Kaiba was going to respond to.

Joey’s face blanched at the weight of the device in his hand.  Like everything else that had happened that week, it was intimately familiar, buried deep in the recesses of his memory, and slightly nausea-inducing.

It was a high quality yo-yo, matte jet black and from the feel of it in his hand, the ball bearings were perfectly aligned.  The crimson string was just waiting to be looped on, which Joey expertly did—carefully unwinding the twists enough to slip them over the yo-yo.  And then, balancing the yo-yo on the string, he rewound the yo-yo by sliding it along the thread.

In his mind, the process took forever, even if only a few seconds had passed.

“Thanks Dad!” Atticus chirped, retrieving the yo-yo from his hand to begin playing with it.

Joey slowly returned to the present, where Kaiba commented, “You should ask your dad to some you some tricks.”

Eventually they had shredded all of the wrappings and the kids were completely occupied with their gifts.  Alexis was tearing open the booster packs and struggling her way through the more complex words on some of the cards.  Atticus had his deck out, too, and he leaned over her shoulder and explained some of the text and card effects patiently.

Joey glanced over at Kaiba, who was smiling the same smile from Mokuba’s wedding photos.

“Remembering what it was like to be a big brother?”  Joey prodded.

Kaiba nodded.  “Things were rarely this peaceful, but when they were… I did not always know how to appreciate it.”

Joey reached a hand to Kaiba’s back and stroked over the soft cashmere of the black turtleneck reassuringly.  “I wish things had been different too.”  And Joey leaned his head onto Kaiba’s shoulder.  “But they’re pretty good right now, huh?”

Kaiba nodded, hair shifting against Joey’s.

Atticus fired up the latest model of the Duel Disk, and the hologram took over half of the room, consuming the Christmas tree and the better part of his sister, who screamed.

Kaiba and Joey were on their feet in an instant—Kaiba showing Atticus how to adjust the settings on the Duel Disk and Joey to rescue Alexis from the belly of a dragon.

. . .

As Kaiba flipped a chocolate chip pancake, he spared a quick glance to a shiny Rolex watch.  Another one of the treasures that Kaiba had left behind years ago, and Joey hadn’t had the nerve to mail back or pawn off.

“What time will your sister be coming by?”

The question was said in an innocent tone of voice, overshadowed by the sizzle of the pancake against the cast iron.  But Joey knew what it meant—the timer on their holiday magic was running low.

The snow of the snow globe was settling on the fantasy of a happy family.  Joey would have to either shake it up again or accept that time had sucked out the hope, like glitter and plastic pooling at the bottom.

Kaiba would do anything to avoid having to face Joey’s sister.  Even after moving to New York, Joey’s mother was not really a part of his life due to a mixture of built up resentment and a genuine lack of connection.  But Serenity was a frequent visitor, and a huge source of love and support—especially during and after the divorce.

As much as it bothered Joey, Kaiba was probably right to try to avoid her.  Serenity wasn’t very pleased with Kaiba after the divorce—or before it—and frankly it was a reasonable act of self-preservation to try and dodge. Joey considered lying, trapping Kaiba right there, letting Serenity lay into him.

Anything to make him stay a little longer.

But Joey had grown into an honest man, unfortunately for him, and he answered with the truth: “She gets off shift at noon.”

Kaiba nodded, plating up the pancakes.  There was something a little magic to seeing Kaiba in the apron, making breakfast.  Joey thought he might be getting used to the sight of Kaiba, surrounded by ingredients, carefully putting together meals.

Joey was inclined to agree with Mokuba, Kaiba was pretty good at the staples.  It’s hard to go wrong with chocolate chip pancakes, but sometimes the chips can get too burnt, and the chocolate chips can get stuck to the pan.

Atticus and Alexis seemed to share the sentiment, as Kaiba continued to flip pancakes for another forty-five minutes to make enough for the family.

Just as Kaiba sat down to his own pancake, his eyes darted away.

Kaiba had a preternatural sense for trouble, honed through the nonstop turmoil of his youth.  Like Spiderman’s extra-sensory perception, Kaiba stared at his untouched breakfast plate and immediately announced, “I’ve got to go,” popping up from the breakfast table.

He didn’t seem to have much packed up, other than a briefcase with his work laptop.  Joey wondered if he was going to keep leaving all of the other shit here.  The traces of Kaiba that the other man hadn’t managed to take back with him, the books, the whiskey, the scar cream, the turtlenecks…

Reminders that Kaiba was here, little touches of his ghost clinging to the bookcase, the end tables, the closets.  Just like dust, Kaiba had settled into the hard-to-reach crevices of his life.

Joey feigned ignorance.  “What?” he asked, “It’s still Christmas.”  As if he didn’t know that whatever magic they had between them had to disappear before another adult saw.  The great Seto Kaiba learning and growing?  No outsiders were allowed to see a travesty like that.

The man was already headed to the door, and Joey had to pursue him.  Serenity’s car was visible from the front hallway.  She had gotten off shift about a half an hour ago, and had made a beeline for the family home.

“As far as the children are concerned, the main events of the holiday have concluded.”  Kaiba pulled out the Mercedes keys.  He had obviously been thinking about his getaway.  The schemer.

“That doesn’t mean you have to go now,” Joey positioned himself between Kaiba and the door.

“Don’t.”  Kaiba said it like a warning, low and serious.  There was a note in his voice that was too harsh.

The entire week had felt like he had been rifling through different versions of Kaiba.  The savage man he used to know, the love of his life, the impermeable shadow who lurked in his study, the father of his kids.

Now, once again, Joey was facing the most intense version of Kaiba—determined, cornered, cruel.

“Come on, it doesn’t have to be, you can just…���  Joey didn’t know what to say, but he did spread his arms out, making a better barrier between his ex-husband and the exit.

Kaiba bowed his head, more threatening, more looming.  “I don’t know what this is, you don’t know what this is.  It’s not fair to the children to have us… so undetermined.  Unstable.  Whatever this armistice was, it was above all temporary.”

Joey was never that easily cowed.  “I don’t remember having that conversation?!” He spat back.

Kaiba stood taller again, reaching past Joey to undo the deadbolt.  “Can you, for once, not make this harder for me than it has to be?”

Joey hesitated.  Maybe Kaiba was right, maybe this was too unstable.  Maybe it just wasn’t fair to the kids.  Darting back and forth from a loving family to practically strangers.  From the soreness in his chest, the anxiety he felt at the thought that Kaiba would vanish from his life again—all that presence, gone in a flash—he knew it wasn’t fair to himself to play the game either.

“If you really want to go that bad, I won’t stop you,” Joey said, finally.

Kaiba passed by Serenity in the driveway.  She wished him a Merry Christmas but he just kept walking.  

. . .

“You did what?!” Serenity choked on her eggnog.  They were watching Atticus and Alexis duel in the snow, holograms bouncing and leaping through the wintry landscape.  The snowflakes disappeared as soon as the reached the holograms, hidden by the solidvision programming.

Joey remembered, somewhat, when Kaiba was first trying to get the software to play nice with foreign particles.  And Joey hated that he was impressed with the result.

“Look, he as here for a week and… he’s different.  I really think he, y’know, he got it.  He understood what he was missing,” Joey said, more into his own eggnog than to his sister.

She shook her head.  “I saw him, he didn’t seem all that different to me,” she paused to sip her eggnog.  “But that’s none of my business.”

“That was… he’s not great with…” Joey could hear himself, hear the excuses rolling off of his tongue.  He hated being in the position of defending the other man’s frustrating decisions and bad attitude.

She put her hand on his shoulder.  “I get it.  I’ve know him a long time, right?  I get that he can be… I don’t know, he has to be warmer with you, right?”

Joey nodded, realizing that tears were pooling in his eyes, the beautiful snowy backyard dissolving into a soft watery mess.

“But I also know he’s driving to the airport now.  And I highly doubt Seto Kaiba waits on the tarmac for long.  If you’ve got something to say to him, maybe you should get out there.  I can watch the kids.”

. . .

Joey flashed whatever fancy looking crap he found in the top drawer of Kaiba’s desk in the study to the airport security checkpoint.  He had no idea which ones went to what at the airport, but no one had stopped him when he had driven, perhaps recklessly, very close to the tarmac.  He only had to jump on fence to be on the asphalt—and it was never difficult to tell which plane belonged to his ex-husband.

No one else who parked their private jets at the Westchester airport had the same fondness for the Blue Eyes White Dragon, that was for sure.

Joey had never felt as insignificant as he did on the tarmac.  Even though Kaiba was only in the jet, the distance between them made him feel like Kaiba was already airborne, and he was the size of an ant—a speck in the map, a pixel.

“Hey.  I got something to say to you!” Joey shouted at the plane.  He assumed Kaiba couldn’t hear him, but the body language would have to be enough—waving his arms, clothed in his bathrobe, thick fabric flapping in the chilling wind.  From his peripheral vision, he could see the airport staff already streaming out to take the civilian off of the dangerous runway.

But instead the stairway descended, and the door opened.  Kaiba’s imposing silhouette cut a nerve-wracking shadow.  Joey was taken back to the days when the man would hang off of helicopter ladders and yell about card games.

“Jounouchi, it is not safe for you to stand in the tarmac!” The outline yelled back.

“Well, I got something to say to you!” Joey screamed over the sounds of another airplane taking off.

Kaiba descended a few steps, but not all the way.  He couldn’t be bothered to touch the same ground as Joey.  Kaiba extended a hand gracefully, wordlessly gesturing for Joey to continue.

“Do you wanna stay?”  Joey asked.  It was a simple question, honest, and more sincerely curious that even he had expected.

“I have work, Jounouchi,” Kaiba turned around and ascended again.

“What do you want?!” Joey yelled at his back.

Kaiba spun back, with a shocking amount of frustration pulling at his face.

“What do you want?” Kaiba shouted down with absolute vitriol.  

What did Joey want?  He wanted him to change, he’d said that in the past, and Kaiba had answered that he couldn’t.

And then he did.

Joey just wanted that—what Kaiba had already become.  All he had to do was say that, right?  Stay. That’s what he wanted.  And, keep trying. And, I want you to want to keep trying.  

But that would be giving in to Kaiba’s demands, right?  Letting him win, letting him off the hook.  All the shitty days, all the half-assed affection, all the last priority moves.  There was a little block there, a clot in the artery between his feelings and a reality that he could accept.  Kaiba never apologized, so he didn’t deserve forgiveness, did he?  Had Kaiba ever even figured out what he had done wrong?

The guards were closing in.

“I want you to apologize.”

If Kaiba could say he was sorry, Joey could say that he wanted him to stay.  To come back for real.

Kaiba looked at him, and all the anger that had made it to his face evaporated.  It melted away to his old mask—a casual disdain for everyone else in the world.

“I will not apologize for who I am.  You should know better than that.  Good bye, Jounouchi.”  He disappeared from Joey’s vision and returned to the cockpit.

Joey could have taken the five security guards, in his heyday.  But he found himself passively wandering back into the airport under their glares.

That wasn’t quite not what he wanted an apology for.  He didn’t need Kaiba to apologize for being a mess of a man, an impatient man, at times uncaring, frequently distant and harsh.  He just wanted Kaiba to apologize for the way he had made Joey feel, and for leaving without even trying.  For leaving again. For being so criminally unwilling to admit his own happiness, capitulate to his own fulfillment.

Really, Joey didn’t want much.  He just wanted enough that he could bear to drive Kaiba back home.

But, maybe Kaiba was right about himself.  Maybe he really didn’t change.  Not enough, maybe even not at all.

[sineala]

Queer novel recs

[A repost from my Patreon.]

By request of the one person who is pledging at a Patreon tier that lets them make meta/review requests of me, some recommendations for queer novels. Fiction-wise, I read pretty much exclusively science fiction and fantasy, with the occasional excursus into historical fiction, so that's what you're getting.

SF/F these days is, happily, getting queerer and queerer. As a general recommendation, a good place to start is the lists of winners and nominees of the Otherwise Award (formerly the Tiptree Award), which, according to their website, "encourages the exploration and expansion of gender." There's also the Lambda Literary Awards, which are awarded to both fiction and non-fiction LGBT books across various categories, including genre (mystery, romance, SF/F & horror). It's obviously not going to be a guarantee that you'll like any particular one of these books, but at least it means that somebody did.

A whole lot of the Hugo award nominees and winners this year coincidentally happened to be queer fiction, especially in the longer categories. The Best Novel winner, Arkady Martine's The Memory of Empire, is a sprawling space opera starring a diplomat who incidentally (very incidentally) happens to have some Feelings for her cultural liaison, and it's a really good book, anyway. I actually voted for Tamsyn Muir's Gideon the Ninth, which is billed as "lesbian necromancers in space," and it is pretty much exactly that. It's a murder mystery, which you'd think would be less mysterious in a book where half the characters are necromancers, but this doesn't actually help them much. I thought it was delightful and I have the sequel sitting here on my Kindle waiting for me to read it. But had Gideon not stolen my heart, I would have voted for Kameron Hurley's The Light Brigade. Everything else I have read by Hurley -- well, okay, that's just the Bel-Dame Apocrypha series, actually -- has starred kickass queer people, and this one's no exception. It's military SF in the vein of Starship Troopers or The Forever War with a really well-done time travel plot, in which the twists just keep coming. The narrator's gender is intentionally obscured for about 95% of the novel, and for added fun, they're bisexual. (Charlie Jane Anders' The City in the Middle of the Night also had queer characters but it didn't really grab me.)

(I have to admit I bounced off a lot of the Hugo novella nominees this year, including most of the queer ones, but Amal El-Mohtar & Max Gladstone's This Is How You Lose The Time War (lesbian time-travel agents) did win, although it wasn't really my thing, and Rivers Solomon's The Deep (lesbian mermaids) appears to have gone on to win this year's Lambda instead, although that one wasn't really my thing either. Becky Chambers's To Be Taught, If Fortunate also had some lesbians and I liked that a bit better, but none of those got my #1 vote.)

I have not read it yet and cannot vouch for it but my wife is reading N. K. Jemisin's new short story collection and she says they're very good and a lot of them are queer.

Okay. So. What about less recent queer SF/F, you ask?

I started reading SF/F in the mid-90s, and there wasn't a whole lot of queer SF/F out there in the mainstream SF market, so I imprinted pretty heavily on what there was that I could find, which was basically, at first, the blink-and-you'll-miss-it gay dragonriders of Anne McCaffrey's Pern series. Pern is what The Youth these days would probably call problematic in several ways, but there wasn't much else out there. I also then read Mercedes Lackey's Valdemar series, which is basically iddy iddy whump fic with magic telepathic animals who love you, so I'm not saying it's a complete literary masterpiece but Confused Baby Lesbian Sineala sure spent a lot of time wondering why she was identifying so very hard with Vanyel from the Last Herald-Mage trilogy. (I also really enjoyed Marion Zimmer Bradley's Darkover books, especially the ones about the Renunciates (the lesbian ones), Heritage of Hastur (the gay one), and The Forbidden Tower (the one where a telepathic orgy solves everyone's problems) but owing to the, uh, terrible things we all found out about MZB after she died, I don't think I can recommend them. Or read them ever again.

Other older queer SF/F that was beloved among my friend group: Ellen Kushner's Swordspoint and its sequels are about a duelist and his boyfriend and a lot of people liked this one, but I never liked it enough to keep up with all the sequels. The first few of Lynn Flewelling's Nightrunner books, however, punched me straight in the id; the protagonists are a pair of spies and thieves who are, more or less, this fantasy world's version of elves. There are a whole lot of grätúìtôūs dīåcrìtïcs and after the third book everything gets a little too horrific for me, but I really loved the first three.

But if I had to pick a top three list of authors who have written queer SF/F, this would be my list:

(1) Diane Duane. She is pretty much my favorite author ever, so I am biased here. I first discovered her work with her Star Trek tie-in novels (which, if you like Vulcans and Romulans, are amazing) and then her YA series Young Wizards, which is about teenagers who can do magic and use it to make the universe a better place and it's about ten thousand times more meaningful to me than Harry Potter ever was. But, anyway. She also has a fantasy series called The Tale of the Five, which is an everyone-is-bi-and-poly series started back before that kind of thing was even cool. Also there's a group marriage involving, like, six people, one of whom is a fire elemental. There are three books out in that series, she's still writing novellas set in it, and she swears that she's going to write the fourth and final book that we've been waiting about 25 years for.

(2) Melissa Scott. Everything I have ever read by Melissa Scott, either as a solo author or with her late partner Lisa Barnett, is queer as hell and has amazing worldbuilding. I first encountered her work when I randomly picked up Trouble and Her Friends (lesbian cyberpunk) at a used bookstore and ended up adoring it. Her other works include Shadow Man (set in a future where humanity has a whole lot more intersex people), The Kindly Ones (which has a protagonist whose gender is never specified), and The Armor of Light (alt-history involving Kit Marlowe and a demon). But my favorite series of hers is the Astreiant series, which is a Professionals AU with the serial numbers filed off, but they're filed off really well. It's a series of police procedural mysteries set in Fantasy Matriarchal Renaissance Netherlands, starring a m/m couple, and the fantasy gimmick here is that astrology is really real and really works. They're a lot of fun.

(3) Nicola Griffith. All of her books are about queer women. She has a few that are modern-day thrillers that I didn't so much care for, but I really love her SF. The first book of hers I read was Ammonite, about an anthropologist who gets sent to a planet of only women to try to figure out how they reproduce and ends up going native instead. I really adored it. I also remember really liking Slow River although I no longer remember the actual plot, except that the main character worked at a sewage facility. And it's historical fiction rather than SF, but she's probably most famous for Hild, a novel about Hilda of Whitby. I liked it a lot except for the part where it annoyed me that Griffith invented out of whole cloth the idea that women would have a special female companion and made up a name for it in Old English and everything, and most people who read the book probably believed it was a real thing. But, uh. I did really love Ammonite. I am so weak for planet-of-women books. (This is why I am so sad that I can't ever read the Renunciates of Darkover books again.)

That's about all I can think of right now. I hope some of those recs are, at the very least, new!

[limafm]

AMBER RILEY, FEMALE, SHE/HER, BISEXUAL; Is that MERCEDES JONES I see getting a cup of joe at the Lima Bean? Sounds like them. Apparently, they’re THIRTY-TWO years old and I know from Instagram they seem to be HARDWORKING but also STUBBORN and are a RETIRED R&B SINGER/OWNER OF MERCY’S SALON AND SPA. Not to mention their feed reminds me of PURPLE SUNSET WITH PINK UNDERTONES, SWEET AND SASSY, HIGH HEELS AND HIGHTOPS, CINNAMON, BROWN SUGAR AND APPLES. Here’s to hoping they get out of Lima soon! 

TW: mentions of drug overdose

CHARACTER INFO:

Birthday: February 14th, 1989

Family: Jones

Relation: Full Sibling (Solo, open to twin)

Birth Order: Open

Secret: Mercedes husband didn’t die from a heart condition the media believes, he died from an overdose and her management team covered it up.

THREE THINGS ABOUT MERCEDES:

Mercedes grew up in a town where everyone knew her name and her family. With her dad’s dental clinic, the Jones Family various volunteering and donations and her performing every Sunday at Church. She was brought up to believe in doing good and being the change she wanted to see in the world. It’s a motto she carries with her to this day.

The moment she realized she wanted to sing, her family gladly supported her. Getting her start in the church, vocal lessons, and talent shows were where she shined. Anyone who heard her sing knew that she was meant for great things. And when she left for L.A., no one was surprised to see her rise to fame through the years while still holding the values she had growing up.

Taking the world by storm, Mercedes spent the last 14 years building herself up, creating, and touring. She was at the top of her game, with plenty of awards under her belt. And when she met Marco, she knew he was the one. She loved him and when the two married it was a bit of a surprise. But that was only because Marco was so different from her; while he was an upcoming R&B singer/rapper, he loved to party, loved to be out and be seen. Usually, she wouldn’t have even given him the time of day. Still, he asked her out every day until she finally gave in, and when she did, they fell hard and blissfully in love.

But that was short-lived because after four months of marriage she learned the truth about him. About his addiction. She had no idea he even used drugs. She threatened to leave him if he didn’t get help and he promised he would while she went onsite for a movie. So she left and hoped and prayed that he would get the help he needed. She had high hopes until she returned from a 4-month stay in Georgia filming a movie, and was met with her husband, lying in bed, cold and with a needle in his arm.

She was devastated and of course, the story was covered up, and she had to lie and say he passed due to a medical condition. She didn’t want to lie, but her legal team and management forced her to go along with the lie, not wanting to taint him in the eyes of his family, his fans, nor taint her for being his wife. And for a few months, she pretended. Pretended she was okay with the lies, but she wasn’t. She couldn’t handle it. She realized that she couldn’t stay in that environment. Not after that.

Mercedes returned home, keeping to herself; very few knew she was home, even fewer knew why. It’s been 8 months, and she finally let everyone know she was official “back” and officially done with singing. Wanting to keep herself busy, she decided to open her own Salon and Spa, start her life over and out of the spotlight. She also became an advocate to help those youths and young adults struggling with drug addiction. Giving large donations to send those kids to rehab, anything she can do to help.

With her new Salon up and running and her new life waiting for her, she wasn’t ready to tell anyone about why she gave up the glamorous life. All people needed to know was she was a widow, and she was starting over; she didn’t need the judgment; she didn’t need the hate; what she needed were her family and friends.

Mercedes is very down-to-earth and loyal. She prided herself on her ability to help. And though she could have a temper, she did her best to control it, control the way she handled her anger. Handled her stress. She is very loving and protective, kind and stubborn, sassy and sweet. But she also has a mean streak and no tolerance for bullies and jerks. She is soft and angelic but fierce and determined.

[harleyquinnbluemoonlove]

Welcoming the new Social Movement/Platform/Political Party in the World

Official Name:  Blue Dog Bite Mafia 888 *BETA*

Owner/CEO/Founder/Dealer/Player/Delivery BAD B: 

Current Name:  Monica Gill   FUTURE Name: Mercedes Lynnette Giovanni

Email:  fairytalesexist2020@gmail.com

Current Financial Status:  $0.00     ---- You may DONATE by using CASH APP Cash Tag #$bluedogbitemafia888

***MY CYBER FAMILY MUST ENSURE THAT DONATIONS ARE NOT HIGHJACKED/STOLEN****

BASIC IDEA/PLAN OF ATTACK/EXECUTION OR POSITIVE WORDS LIKE “LAUNCH”.  We can issue an ATTACK or a LAUNCH CODE.

I will dumb it down a little bit. I am taking advantage of my position of power, now that I am a Celebrity in the World. Its the greatest feeling in the world, feels better than good sex and that is a hard thing for me to admit because I love some good, hot, sweaty sex and I’ve been going without for several weeks. I almost fell like a Nun because I cannot even pleasure myself because I was molested as a child by Lovie Price’s boyfriend “Frank Parker” a gasoline man from an early. I told Connie Price about it when I was 15 and her name at the time was Connie Dunford. It was the same day Brandie Ann Thompson said Curtis Triplett tried to rape her in the bathroom at the house In Frayser, Memphis TN. Brandie Ann in her hayday, resembled a youthful Cameron Diaz. Cameron Diaz dated Justin Timberlake once upon a time. She played in the move “The mask” and the mask was green. At the end of the movie, the dog put on the mask. You all know, when you wear that mask---you become a Shape Shifter, transforming into anything/anyone you think will grab the Hot or Not Rated #10 Woman’s ATTENTION/HEART/LOVE and will do anything, I mean anything to get it. The secret to my success is a compilation of everything good, bad, dirty, evil and let’s call it “The Struggle” or the “Human Experience”. 

Old School (OS) Operating System (OS) Back to Basics (B2B) Brandie Thompson (BT) Barry Thompson (BT) Blue Tooth (BT) Brandie Smith (BS) Bull Shit (BS) Rent A Center (RAC) Roger Adren Crawford (RAC) $1K (RAK) Rags to Riches Richard Abernathy (RA) **secret boyfriend shh!!** Douche Bag (DB) or Douglas Belknap (DB) Thomas Jones (TJ) County Road (CR) Danny Thomas (DT)  Deanna Thomas (DT) ... Trying to show you how I think period dot. In ya’ll are slow, period dot also equal two dots. You must have two dots to play connect the dots and draw the lines to illustrate inspiration into a masterpiece. The best pieces of Art are very old, have a solid reputation, and is properly curated to ensure it maintains its value for infinity times three.

Basically, you can get with my program, drink my Kool Aid, swallow your pride, do the right thing, if you have done something wrong, you really need to return to your basic religious beliefs what they may be, get right with yourself, because what you have done will come to light, exposed, we are moving on from there. We are, as a society going to change and deliver the children and the children’s children: a brighter future with more options, a limited amount of privacy, give them the world and see what they can accomplish with living in a world of positive vibes, beautiful colors, great music, entrepreneurship, dreams, and now, the little girls if we get married will truly believe in fairytales. This right here is whats up because we have an opportunity, once in a lifetime opportunity, to fix society, establish unity and peace, competition is good but everyone needs a chance to win sometimes to boost their confidence and pride. When there is monopoly or kingdom, it fosters the seven deadly sins, seven capital sins, and the seven cardinal sins, which is systemic to original sin. 

Genesis clearly explains that certain things were created on certain days and back time was measured. You cannot just create a man or a woman. First, you need the Universe. Then, you need the Galaxy which creates Space. In Space, you have the moon, stars, sun, planets, black holes, asteroids, comets, shooting stars, orbit, gravitational pull. Here we are on planet Earth with 7 continents and 7 oceans. I like the number 8 because it represent a number, a symbol, and no limitations--infinity. My son was born on 3-8-03 weighing 8 pounds, 8 ounces and 19.5 inches long, color: BLUE, life: No sign of it. It took 10 minutes and PLEADING WITH THE LORD AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS SCREAMING PRAYING TO PLEASE GIVE HIM LIFE, I DON’T WANT TO HAVE GONE THROUGH 35.5 HOURS OF LABOR AND 7 HOURS OF HARD PUSHING WITH NO PAIN MEDICINE, NO EPIDURAL, GAVE BIRTH TO A STILL BORN BABY NATURALLY AND THE GOOD LORD ANSWERED MY PRAYERS AND THAT BOY CRIED AND WENT TO THE NICU AT BETHESDA NAVAL HOSPITAL IN MONTGOMERY COUNTY, MARYLAND. ITS ALSO REFERRED TO AS “THE PRESIDENTS HOSPITAL”.

He is 17 years old, already a MASTERMIND and a Professional Gamer. He is so smart like me, that he had to design/build/code his own computer because there is not a computer on the planet that can keep up with his level of gaming. I saw a photo of it. Its a desktop computer with the case taken off the side--lit up with blue LED lights

It’s Confession Time and Holy Communion Time that means confess your sin, wrongdoing, break bread, eat bread, drink wine, not whine. No days off, no excuse, no immunity, no setups, no blame game, no liars, no stealing, checks and balances, no absolute power because absolute power fosters absolute corruption, which is why were in this position right now with COVID-19, Corona Virus.

I think one person needs a pardon because he has stayed on the job, even though he was originally lied to by the Feds. He deserves a pardon, record expunged, and an opportunity. I see great potential, just needs an opportunity, believe in himself, and have the courage to escape his own prison of gold diggers, groupies, fans, and whores.

In this triad, it is a rags to riches story times three. There is only 1 TRUE VERSION of ME, and its right here in Memphis TN, age: 41(Birth Cert).

To succeed in any sports game, you must be fit, educated, content with yourself to include your pros/cons/demons and knowledgeable & intelligent enough to know that I am certified True OG, I got your back no matter what because to me money ain’t a thing, fame fades just like stars, but loyal dogs do not turn on their master unless they are abused or hungry. I am a Blue AKC Royal Bloodline Pitbull, Staffordshire Terrier. Pitbull is the image you need to have in your mind when you think of ME.

#donations #loyalty #888 #TRUMP2020 #IG #WHISTEBLOWER ACT #RULES #ESPNSPORTS #RAPGODS #GREEKGODS #GOD #CLASHOFTITANS #THEGAME #THEROCK #GLUE #DOCTORS   #LAWYERS #COWBOYS #DANCE #L.I.F.E. #LOVE #SM #EM 

#NEED SOME COM[ANY AND VITAMIN D

BLUE, COME ON UNLESS YOU ARE “CHICKEN” “SCARED”

I PROMISE I WILL NOT BITE. BUT, I AM STARVING, LONELY, NEED MONEY TO CREATE AND LAUNCH MY DREAMS TO POSITIVELY AND EFFECTIVELY CHANGE THE WORLD WHICH WILL PLACE ME AND PRESIDENT TRUMP IN THE HISTORY BOOKDS. AND THE HISTORY BOOKS ARE GOING TO BECOME FACTBOOKS, AND HISTORY CLASSES WILL BE MANDATORY THROUGHOUT LIFE REGARDLESS OF AGE, POSITION, JOB, FINANCIAL STATUS BECAUSE THE BEST EDUCATION IS A “CONTINUOUS EDUCATION”. IF YOU DO NOT CONTINUE LEARNING, YOU BECOME RUSTY AND THEN, YOU CANNOT KEEP UP THE FAST PACED CHANGES OF ADVANCE TECHNOLOGY IN THE REAL WORLD AND IN THE REAL GAME OF LIFE.

RECOMMENDATIONS ARE AS FOLLOWS:

1.  DONATE MONEY TO MY CAUSE ON CASH APP 

$BLUEDOGBITEMAFIA888 

DO NOT HACK MY PHONE OR MY LAPTOP, DO NOT HACK ANYTHING OR ANYBODY BC YOU CANNOT DO IT BETTER THAN U.S. BC U.S. CREATED THE INTERNET IN WASHINGTON DC AT THE PENTAGON CALLED “DARPANET” IN 1974. THE FIRST COMPUTER WAS AN APPLE, SECOND COMPUTER WAS MICROSOFT. A GOOD BRAND IS A HP WITH MS WINDOWS. I HAVE A BLUE HP LAPTOP STREAM, I HAVE A BLACK APPLE IPHONE 7. I AM ON A WIFI WITH A VPN THAT KEEPS GETTING DISABLED. THE SOUND ON MY PHONE DOES NOT WORK. I AM BACKING UP BOTH DEVICES AND GOING TO RESET TO FACTORY SETTINGS SO I CAN GURANTEE EFFECTIVE DIGITAL SECURITY.

2. I NEED COMPANY TO SIT WITH ME, DRINK WITH ME. I WOULD LOVE SOME JACK AND COKE OR A BUD LIGHT. I WOULD ALSO LOVE SOME FOOD THAT CONTAINS RED MEAT TO ASSIST ME WITH MY BLOOD PROBLEMS. BUDDY OR BLUE OR YO -- FIGURE IT AND SEND ME SOMEONE I KNOW. I AM TOO PRETTY AND TOO COOL TO BE CHILLING BY MYSELF WITH NO FOOD, NO ALCOHOL, NO MONEY, NO WEED, ETC. 

3.  SELF EVALUATE OR DO A PEER REVIEW/. SELF EVALUATION IS LOOKING AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR AND THINKING ABOUT YOUR LIFE. I LIKE TO WRITE THINGS DOWN, IF HELPS ME. IT WILL BRING ABOUT A SENSE OF UNDERSTANDING WHO, WHAT, WHY YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE, HOW YOU BECAME PERSON, AND DESIGN YOUR OWN ROADMAP TO BEING A BETTER PERSON AND OPENING YOUR HEART TO REALIZATION THAT THE CHILDREN ARE THE FUTURE, RIGHT WE ARE THE WORLD, WE CAN ACHIEVE GREATNESS, A NEW TYPE OF MAGIC “UTOPIA”.

WHAT ARE YOU ABOUT? WHAT DO YOU WANT OUT OF LIFE? ARE YOU HAPPY WITH YOURSELF? CAN YOU FREE YOUR MIND? CAN YOU OPEN YOUR HEARTS? CAN YOU COMMIT? DO YOU KNOW WHEN TO WALK AWAY? WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE IN? DO YOU HAVE CONFIDENCE? ARE YOU IN YOUR OWN PRISON--YOUR MIND, YOUR FEELINGS, YOUR RELATIONSHIP STATUS?

WISDOM COMES WITH TIME, EXPERIENCE, EDUCATION, HARD WORK, SERVICE, LOYALTY, PURPOSE, AND TRAVELING.

At the end of the day, who do you want to be with? 

Woman - Wise can deliver the world or drop the world, age 41 -- looks better than 20 & 30 year old GIRLS. Does not care about money, fame, status, power because the game was scheduled and unfortunately, unaware of the OP -- she walked, ran, sprinted STOLE the Flag, and won the game. 

Everyone wants to still run their mouths, try to control a man, and those hos, have no power, position, fame, etc. They are with or around you because of who you are, what you have done, and what you can give them---in my opinion that is abuse of power and targeting someone to manipulating them to do what you want them to do.

I like structure, things to be done a certain way because I like cleanliness, organization, faith, love, hope, trust, and loyalty. 

I would not cop an attitude with everyone, if  I did not feel like the world was against me. Hint, hint -- I don’t trust authority figures because I was molested, abused, targeted, almost died several times, lied to, cheated on, setups, smear campaigns, gossiped about, bullied, beat on, yelled at, called names, jealous women everywhere so dumb they forget I have a hunger against Human  Trafficking. People are on this RACISM BULL SHIT. 

Its 2020, Racism = IGNORANCE AND IGNORANCE IS NOT BLISS ANYMORE, IGNORANCE IS DEADLY. 

Basic belief system of Karma, it is a metaphysical/paranormal reality that is mixed with real, artificial, and soon-to-be virtual reality. It is what it is. 

What you set your mind, what you do and the thoughts and actions you put into the world will either grant you your dreams or come back times three by the of karma, what goes around, comes around.

I want/will do good and be a good role model for everyone. I am going to teach, help you, do what I want, when I want, how I want because I know my worth, my value, and what I can GURANTEE/DELIVER.

Greed, jealousy, laziness, and all the ugly things that are in the world

                                                  WILL

 get you no where but hungry, lonely but free, penniless, candy-less, eliminate sports.

                                        COMMIT OR QUIT

MY MISSION WILL ENDURE AND CARRY ON UNTIL I FEEL MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. I DO NOT HAVE A FAILURE TO THRIVE AND I DO NOT LACK A WILL TO LIVE. 

MY ISNT OVER, YET;

[lianadrayton]

**CURRENTLY UNDER CONSTRUCTION 11/19**

UPDATED: NOVEMBER 19th, 2020

@tupeloextras

KANE // 24 // SHE/HER // EST

DISCORD: whiskey#6583

I work nights so my replies on the dash and in discord are kind of all over the place time-wise

I am irresponsible so here is a 3rd I said I’d never have

LIANA DRAYTON-CRAWFORD

Full Name: Liana Selene Drayton-Crawford 

Nickname(s): Lia, Duchess 

Birthday: July 5th, 1978 (42) 

Hometown: Chanute, Kansas

Education: Bachelor of Science in Chemistry with a minor in Biochemistry from Northeastern University

Occupation: Waitress at Red’s Diner

Faceclaim: Amy Adams

Content Warning(s):

Divorce, Emotional Manipulation/Abuse (Implied), Cheating, 

BACKGROUND:

Liana was born & raised in Chanute, Kansas to young parents (18, 19) who had no concept of the amount of work it took to raise a child

She was raised on hard work, thrift shops, and Sunday mass by her maternal grandparents as her parents never stepped up to the plate to try their hand in raising their daughter

Already absent in much of her life, the couple broke up in their mid-20′s and her father moved to Washington state and was not heard from after that point 

Her mother never ended up going to college and ended up marrying a lineman and moved away against the wishes of her parents, officially leaving Liana behind with her grandparents

Though her parental situation was different her life with her grandparents was great

They may have been some of the poorest people in the already poor, little midwestern town.. but they were all rich in love which was what mattered the most 

The moment that Liana could get a job she did and her first job was working in a local flower shop and then moved to picking up shifts at the diner 

All of the money she made went to help her grandparents with bills even though they would protest and downright refuse her offer to help. Liana would often secretly go and pay off some small bills anyway behind their backs to help 

Anything extra of Liana’s that could be spared was saved so she could purchase a car. Her first vehicle was a 1985 Ford Escort (9 years old by the time of purchase). Issues with the vehicle were worked on by her grandfather (and sometimes Liana herself) as he used to be a mechanic in the town

Even with juggling working and school Liana managed to post outstanding scores and was named the valedictorian of her class (even though it was a small class it still felt like a great accomplishment with the way her parents had both barely graduated from high school) 

She was accepted and granted a scholarship to attend Northeastern University in Boston, Massachusetts for chemistry

While in Boston, Liana met Alexander “Lex” Crawford who was attending Harvard University in the neighboring Cambridge, Massachusetts for law 

The two began dating officially roughly 6 months after meeting

During Liana’s 4th year at Northeastern and Lex’s final year in law school, Liana found out that she was pregnant with Lex’s child (~2 months before graduation)

After graduation Lex proposed to Liana and the two had a fast-tracked wedding late that summer

The two would end up having 3 children in total and remain happily married for over 10 years before issues arose

MARRIAGE & DIVORCE: TW Divorce, Emotional Manipulation/Abuse, Cheating 

They welcomed their first child in 2000, a boy, named Theodore “Theo” Crawford

Even though Liana had her degree her dreams of pursuing a career were cut short and she instead became a stay-at-home mother to care for Theo full time (as per the request of her husband and his family)

Five years after the birth of Theo, Liana and Lex had another child in 2005 - this time a girl named Ava Crawford

For the first few years of marriage Lex was fairly sincere and loyal to Liana but was often swept up in the scandals of his own family’s bad behavior 

This bad behavior was often praised by other members of his family and he grew to resent Liana for keeping him from enjoying his youth 

Liana spent much of her time with the children and trying to be the perfect housewife 

In a matter of years she had gone from the only thing in her name being a 1985 Ford Escort to having access to a house in the Hamptons, cars, lake homes, and expensive time shares overseas 

She cooked, cleaned, decorated the house for each and every occasion and was always the parent who attended parent-teacher conferences and was also part of the PTA/PTO 

Lex started to go behind Liana’s back with other women (most of whom were college interns or assistants for the law firm) 

Everyone knew about it but no one would say anything since Liana never brought it up as she preferred to pretend that it wasn’t always the hot gossip amongst the circles she was in 

Lex would reel Liana back in by preying on her love for her children, informing her that if they were to divorce he would take the children and she would be left with nothing 

He would also often switch between threats against Liana and grand romantic gestures (empty, of course) to keep her attached to him just enough to not leave

She preferred to wear the rose colored glasses as long as she could though eventually they would break

The worst came when Liana would have their third child together, another boy, in 2015 (Benjamin “Bear” Crawford) 

From there things escalated quickly between Liana and Lex and they divorced in 2018 

Lex would gain full custody of the children at this time by accusations against Liana that she was alienating the children from him

The Crawford reach extended into many of the rich and elite in New England so there was no concern from Lex about keeping custody no matter what Liana did, in fact the custody battle was an attempt to lure her into doing something uncharacteristic then using that against her to ensure that the children would stay with him (though he did it for revenge against her, not because he cared for the children)

Additionally, the Crawford family did not care for Liana that much overall, believing that she was still “some girl from a cornfield in Kansas” and they often called her Dorothy 

Liana would battle with Lex in court over custody until the money ran short, additionally she would see how much of a toll the fighting took on the children and knowing she would never be able to beat her then-husband in court she stopped fighting 

Lex also took out a restraining order against Liana after their legal proceedings were finished

Even though the children had spent 90% of their lives with their mother, their father’s words (and Black Amex) proved to be much more alluring than staying with the person who had seen them through everything in their lives 

By the time the legal battles had settled down, Theo was of-age and went to college. Liana tries to keep in contact with him but he has not been that responsive (reasons not known, suspected influence from his father paying for his schooling) 

Lex offered Liana a large share of money during the divorce as well as vehicles and vacation homes all of which she rejected, only taking what was in her name only 

PERSONALITY:

Liana is very dedicated and loyal to her friends and family (even if sometimes they don’t deserve it) 

Strong work ethic! She never lost this even while being married to someone who would’ve rather just paid for everything to be done rather than do it himself

Very maternal, she tries not to mother everyone but kind of accidentally does it sometimes (she’s working hard on reeling it in) 

She’s very sweet, likes to help others when possible

Tries to see people for the best instead of the worst (hence staying with her husband for so long) even if it comes back to bite her in the ass

Can be almost a little too kind, this usually lead to her being used like a door mat but her divorce gave her some strength to push back once things got to be too much 

Walking Pinterest board, she’s creative and enjoys her little projects. Often subjecting friends to testing them out with her (whether it’s building something or baking a recipe that looks good) 

FAST FACTS:

Liana moved to Tupelo as an attempt to go somewhere where no one would know her 

She could not go home as her family there is no longer around and no one could ever track down her father after he moved to Washington 

She has deep regrets and embarrassment over not being able to get custody of her children and does not speak of them (as she does not want to explain anything) 

Her home is bare of any photographs that would hint that she has children 

She will speak of her ex-husband, but only briefly and not mention what he did but instead say that they split due to differing opinions on where they wanted their lives to lead 

She still enjoys cooking and decorating as they are some of the few things she finds comforting, she also finds having live flowers in her home 

Liana has two pets - a Great Dane named Salem and a brown tabby cat named “Billy the Kitten” based off the character of the same name from the popular mobile app Neko Atsume (both pets were handed over to Liana during the divorce) 

Liana now lives in small home with a decent yard, using the remaining money she had to purchase it mostly for the yard for Salem (the inside of the home is lined with carpet runners for the dog and there is not an abundance of furniture that is not necessary as to accommodate Salem’s size) 

Liana can be seen walking Salem often or having Salem outside with her while she gardens, Salem can wander freely around the property when Liana is outside - otherwise he is limited to the fence (which he can stick his head over) 

She has a Mercedes (which she hates) and can never get it worked on without taking it to a larger city 

She kept the Crawford part of her last name as (for whatever reason) it makes her feel closer to her children in some small way 

BEST FRIEND FROM COLLEGE TM:  (Taken WC by Ethan Morris, Jake Gyllenhaal FC)

These two met while attending Northeastern and quickly became close friends 

Just because they were close didn’t necessarily mean that he always supported or even liked the fact that Liana was dating Lex Crawford

He & Lex shared a mutual distain for one another

Even with this, the two would eventually attend each other’s weddings 

Right before he got married he asked Liana to leave Lex and to essentially have a modern-day runaway sequence with him (no points for timing) 

Unfortunately, she could not bring herself to divorce her husband at the time 

After he got married they began to drift apart

CONNECTIONS:

Friends! 

People she mothers on accident 

Other dog people (and cat)

Those who benefit/are subjected to taste testing random recipes she finds

Regulars at Red’s 

Her kid?? This could be a WC at some point I guess (We out here being flexible on most of that)

She’s not really looking for anything romantic at all - but y’know sometimes it hits you when you least expect 

Maybe someone who actually did know her from the east coast (whoops)

Everything!!

[moonvoiid]

i am writing on two hours of sleep in the past twenty-four hours so please excuse me and all of my mistakes,  both grammatical and overall.    i swear i’m usually in a playful,   cryptid in a sexy way kinda mood...   fhsduifhds SO.    so !    ian moon.   alright,   i’m leaving important links down below !!   the google docs document contains his biography in a slightly    ( re: no big improvement )   better state than what i’m giving you under the read more,   so if you’d like 2 give something    (  SLIGHTLY )   more comprehensive a read i’d recommend it !!!   

( jeon jungkook, cismale ) hey ! have you seen IAN MOON around ? HE works as a SKI INSTRUCTOR (KID) at big bear resort, but they must be off their shift by now. well, if you do see them can you let me know ? they’re 22 years old & they’ve been working here for THREE MONTHS. they tend to be +SPONTANEOUS & +CHARISMATIC, but can also be -MANIPULATIVE & -DESTRUCTIVE. the other employees have labeled them THE REVELLER. thanks a lot !    ( charcoal-stained fingertips, cat hair on dark hoodies, frowning lips around an e-cigarette , distressed pokemon cards & the gleam of a new mercedes benz under street lights. )

google doc   +    playlist    +    pinterest board

THE PAST, a brief summary:

ian was born with a silver spoon in his mouth.    as soon as he could make demands,    he got everything he wanted whenever he asked for it and then more.    i wish i could sum up his childhood in those sentences alone,    but the bitter reality of his early youth was that he was a lonely kid.    his mother was a rather young trophy wife who married into his father’s family and became pregnant to tie herself into the family’s empire and his father was a ceo of a real estate company who only cared about making ian a suitable heir to the title.   he was allowed too much freedom from the start–   his dad only involved himself in ian’s life when it came to academics and his mom…   well,   his mom lazed around the house enough for ian to see her every few days or so.

he rebelled around his first years of university in seoul.   he was studying business to follow the path that was set for him when all of the pressure that had been building up finally made him SNAP.   ian ruined what little relationship he had left with his father and decided to leave home altogether after making a massive mess he couldn’t fix.    with a subsequent agreement he made with his mom,    he got to choose where to live,    if to study right away,    and what to do for the time being with a bank account full of funds.    now THAT’S the ian living and working in big bear village you know  !

ADDITIONAL HEADCANONS:

his job !    ian works as a ski instructor for kids.   back when he was a child himself,    he and his family would often go on vacations and that frequently included leaving korea to go play in mountains of snow.   ian is really good at skiing because it was one of those skills that he worked his naive ass off to be wonderful at so his parents could have something to brag about.   besides choosing it because he’s good at it,   though,   ian also enjoys really active atmospheres in general.   he likes being kept busy and interacting with others and he likes being out in the cold like a mama duck since he ended up getting assigned to teach children how to skii.   he quickly warmed up to the job and he has a ton of fun working with kids which is hard to believe considering how generally insufferable ian is in any other setting.

mimi !    a short one but definitely worth mentioning because if i don’t mention her,   he will.   mimi is ian’s    (   and roman’s   )   beloved cat,   he would literally die for her.   she began living with them in their chaotic apartment after ian rescued her tiny kitten self and took her home.   she is extremely spoiled by him even though she herself is lowkey feral. 

postive habits !    so ian is truly a man of habit.   the pros are that some of his habits are really,    really good...   and the cons,   of course,   is the flipside that his negative habits are rather...    very bad and annoying.   but these are the good ones !!   it seems like he doesn’t really notice it,   but he makes an active effort to treat his friends because he doesn’t really know how to express affection unless it’s within an inappropriate joke or comment.   he’s quite loose with his expensive belongings and will quietly pay for his friend’s drinks throughout the night.  he works out a lot,   he would be a gym rat if he wasn’t busy being a disaster.   he makes up for all of the alcohol he drinks by eating really healthy    (   unless he’s high or,   again,   drunk and needs oily unhealthy food or else he’ll die   )   and keeping up with workout routines !    i don’t recommend having him as a gym buddy because he’ll show up at your doorstep at four am with protein shakes and a really shitty workout playlist.    he is very into art !!   his favorite medium is charcoal and he keeps his drawings / occasional paintings very greyscale.   he can be seen sketching the mountains during his free time like a true buffering romantic,   and his future plans include going to art school !!   he’s real organized with his general space n etc !    a tidy boy.   

negative habits !    alright,    so ian has a lot of these.   perhaps the biggest one is that he doesn’t accept criticism on his character even though he cares about how he’s perceived which is really very annoying for many people who know him.   he’s...   how u say...    irritating.    he never,   ever takes anything seriously and he’s always making a dumb joke,   so he has this persona of being a charming flirty pretty boy who sleeps around like a god taken straight out of greek mythology.   in other words,   he’s 100% a fuckboy.   the reason this is a bad habit is that ian is actually really smart and reliable but he wears 50 coats of shallow asshole that cover that up.    it’s his thing.    he thinks it protects him or whatever.   he can b...    manipulative...   he’s just really good at lying and will never hesitate to do it.   he is BAD at relationships !!    he treats them as things to pass the time or avoids them altogether in lieu of just getting the fun part of people and honestly...    it’s lowkey evil...   he’ll string people along and then blame them for getting attached ?    of course he goes on to feel very empty !!    because he does this stupid impulsive shit !! all the time !!    but anyway ian smokes e-cigarettes and he’s always got a fancy one in his pocket that he WILL use during any free outdoor time that he has.    he likes 2 party a lot and make bad choices while he’s drunk and then do that over and over and over again fhdisufh.   that’s the reveler for u babey !! 

misc headcanons !    ian is a huge weeb and loves video games.   he plays all big three gaming consoles + PC and u BET he hosts super smash bros hangouts w/ snacks and weed and everything u need basically every weekend when there’s not already a party goin’ on.   tbh in general ian rlly likes to start parties up like he’ll b the first to text ‘ aye where the party at ’    all the time and there’s no party invite he’ll say no to.    /    he’ll randomly start sketching u if ur sitting across from him n there’s a pen in his hand.    /    he wears absolutely no colors like this boy rlly only owns dark or pure white clothes.   /    he has only 1 tat:    a palm-sized heart on the side of his right hip.   ton of ear piercings tho !!   /    nnnn....    i’ll leave this lil section at that fr now !! 

to sum it up,   ian is a mix between a charming socialite boy and a messy fuckboy.

[jeanjauthor]

This is it, folks.

This is the genuine explanation of why you “get hungry an hour after eating Chinese food.”

Writers, read through it to understand what your characters will be going through, based on their dietary choices.

And yes, vegans, you can survive on a no-animal-protein diet, but your nutritional needs will be difficult to meet in full...especially before the modern invention of dietary supplements and fortified foods.

Why do I bring that up?  Because it’s important for writers to know these things when they’re describing the diets of their characters as they grow up.

Someone raised on a diet of rice and greens and vegetables will not be as tall or muscular as someone who had regular access to things like calcium and proteins from milk, fish, eggs, and so forth.  Also, those who grow up on a low-fat diet will risk not having their full physical development, either, as fat is a huge energy source that is far easier to burn than going through all the trouble of burning through over twice as many carb calories to create the same amount, gram for gram, of fat calories...and on top of that, your brain NEEDS healthy fats, including fish oil and animal fats, to develop properly.

If a writer wants to write someone growing up “a healthy young farmboy/farmgirl” or whatever... we need to know that this means a well-rounded diet, including various sources of protein & fats as well as various starches & nutrient-rich but calorie-poor vegetables & greens.

We also need to know what being deprived of these things can do to a growing child’s body.  In the Collegium Chronicles series (Valdemar universe) by Mercedes Lackey, the character of Mags was severely starved as a child sent to work as a mine slave, before being rescued to become a Herald of Valdemar.

Why is this relevant?  The books talk about how his growth was stunted as a youth...which would be accurate...but at one point, the author (much as I love her work) failed.  (*mild spoiler, the books have been out for years now*)  Mags winds up discovering he has a cousin named Bey, who looks almost exactly like him, enough that people would do double-takes...but nowhere is it mentioned that Mags is shorter than Bey.

Mags should be shorter than Bey, because Bey was not raised a mining slave on a starvation diet of a couple slices of badly made barley bread and cabbage soup that was far more water than anything else.  It should be mentioned.  But it isn’t, not even once.  And Mags is a character who was trained to be observant of others.  Including how to imitate them, as a spy-in-training.  If he’s such a good observer and imitator, he should’ve thought at least one time that “My cousin is a thumb-length taller than me!” or “over a finger-length taller!” to help indicate how much his poor early diet stunted his growth.

However, the Lackey lass slacked on the job, and the story lacks for that particular observation, alas.  (This is not to say I’m perfect in writing, but to say that we all have to keep an eye out for this kind of stuff.  Continuity is important, and breaking continuity will drive your readers nuts.  With me, it’s a short drive to begin with, so it obviously didn’t take much, lol.)

Anyway, when you’re creating your worlds and your cultural foods, be aware of how a surfeit or a lack of key elements in a well-rounded diet can cause problems.  Because vegan isn’t the only problematic diet:  Ketogenic diets (heavy in meat & fat but very low in carbs) are also problematic for growing young bodies, because they lack certain other essential nutrients.

It’s very difficult to put on weight on a ketogenic diet, and growing kids literally need to put on weght. That’s the literal definition, part & parcel, of growing.  Reserves of fat (”baby fat”) are vital for young bodies, because when a kid hits a major growth spurt, the thing that will keep them healthy is their fat-reserves that they’ve built up to that point.  That is why healthy kids don’t lose their baby fat until their late teens to early twenties.  (Our bodies don’t finish maturing, including our brains, until our early to mid twenties.)

And when it comes to infants in a starvation situation, if they start out with reserves of literal baby fat, they can survive a long time on just water, longer than kids through to adults with far less useful reserve ratios of body fat to muscle, bone, organs, etc.

Diet is important, folks.  Diet shapes your genealogy.  When nutrition was being studied in earnest in the mid 1900s, and being paired up with paleontology & archaeology, scientists realized that hunter-gatherer societies--rich in proteins, fats, carbs, and a wide variety in diets, with children being raised on breastfeeding for a couple years at a time--grew very tall and muscular.  Comparatively, agricultural groups who relied primarily and heavily upon grain as the greatest bulk of their diets tended to be short and slight by comparison. 

This is how you got very tall Celts, versus very short Romans...who thought the very tall, woad-dyed Celts of the British Isles, with enough fat on their bodies to shirtlessly withstand the cold northern air compared to Romans used to Mediterranean heat, were Frost Giants.  (Seriously, they believed that for a little while.)

By the same token, in the 1800s when everyone in America was relying mostly upon grains and legumes that could be stored long-term, with only a few things pickled and preserved, with meat difficult to come by in large quantities and hard to preserve long-term...a lot of people were short.  But after the introduction of refrigeration techniques and foods being shipped in from all over the place, Americans in the 1900s started growing taller & taller, thanks to the variety in their diets.

In just 5 generations, American males grew a full 5 inches (roughly 13cm), going from an average of 5′5″ to 5′10″ in height, and a lot of that had to do with the lowered prices & heightened availability of meat, cheese, eggs, fish, & the shifting of chickens from being primarily egg layers to being egg layers, friers, roasters, and more.  (Speaking of which, writers, prior to industrialized agriculture, chickens, ducks, & geese were kept & bred for their eggs far more than their meat.)

So when it comes to “starving an hour later” after eating a particular type of food...you may not have realized that pasta will make you feel this way, too, especially if it’s low on the meat & cheese.  Same goes for cereal eaten without sufficient milk--oh sure, rice crispy treats are delicious, but you will feel hungry an hour later, if that’s all you have.  It’s not just Chinese food...and it happens for the exact same reasons why.

[ashalaughs]

An Annotated List of Men’s Tinder Profiles part 9

Well friends, I figured we could all use a little joy during this bizarre time. So here we are, the next installment of annotated tinder. As always, ranked from mildly confusing to capital YIKES.

I am a person with certain capacities or attributes such as reason, morality, consciousness or self-consciousness, and being a part of a culturally established form of social relations. I love to get to know people.: Definitely not the profile of an alien sent to earth to study the human race.

Want buy an omlette for five dollars?: Not gonna lie, reading this one made me laugh out loud.

A Mercedes in the streets but a Jeep in the bed.: Can a car person explain this one to me?

Congratulations you stumbled across my profile which means you have excellent taste and you’re going to meet your future husband, but it won’t be me, why because I’m the one before the one. We’ll exchange some texts and go on a few great dates and then Bam you’ll meet your future husband.: This is the profile equivalent of a chain letter, right?

Be the GOAT or live like a goat: I mean, goats have pretty good lives.  

If you read this far please don’t hesitate to say hi. Some of the greatest achievements in human history might not have been done if those who endeavoured just shrugged and moved on with Thier lives: I love that this guy is comparing swiping right on him with the, like, discovering insulin.  

Don’t make fun of my distinguished way of walking. I can’t help that! I too have been shamed for walking to much like a fancy gentleman.

Well I could bedazzle you with how amazing I am. But would you believe it??: Believe that you’ve used an ‘80s novelty toy to cover me in rhinestones?  

I play guitar and ukelele (and I might use it on one of our dates): Is that a threat?

If you don’t love a dog back, it wont burn you in hell!: That’s...not something I was worried about?

Smoke weed so I don’t cry.: Get 👏some 👏therapy👏

If I like you. You have to follow my policy.: I’m gonna need some details here, chief.  

“Trump got a pet dog, guess what is it called?” Trumpet.: This is such a mind-boggingly incompetent joke.  

If we happen to match and you have a cat picture then you have a great ass or boobs or both, I mean smile!: We’ve got a wit on our hands, ladies and gentlemen.  

Looking to try being a fuckboy for a while.: Admirably honest if almost certainly ineffective.

Trust is a two-way street, and I ride the subway.: I just can’t parse this metaphor. You are below trust? You only go one way at a time?

My friends call me Rimjob for obvious reasons.: What are those friendships like even?

I’m open to dating and making friends but one day find the one. She who sends shockwaves and soul. Explores my temptations and traces my constellations. Reminding me of the star I’ve always been.: Was “in search of manic pixie dream girl” too succinct for you?

Tinder. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villany. We must be cautious.: Cool, yeah, very chill.  

I’m somewhere between too ugly to date and just hot enough to fuck.: Uh, yikes.  

You can be a honkey. And still be hung like a donkey.: Defending his people through the time honoured practice of poetry.  

I’m 6’4 and I like to lift weights drunk. My skull has a colossal 24” circumference at the browridge. You wish to have sex with me indeed.: Clearly this guy is joking but in a way that makes him seem like an old timey eugenicist?  

Unionists swipe left: This guy does not want to unite with any of the workers of the world and that is his loss.

My beliefs are of my own construct; There is no good or evil. Only one thing to abide by which is to die naturally. I guess it is good to have manageable goals.  

I’m an aspiring white person who dabbles I’m being a foody: File that under saddest profile I’ve read in a good while, please.

I do amateur standup comedy. Just looking to talk about it and maybe get a handjob. Literally, a nightmare.

I just know it straight - the reason of joining Tinder is to keep myself warm by giving maximum pleasure to the hole I will be serving.: What an unnecessarily gross way to phrase that.

F**k it. Being polite and honest only has prostitutes/escorts matching me. Time to be an a**hole.: Somehow I don’t think your politeness (your genteel self-censorship notwithstanding) is the thing that’s holding you back, my dude.

Where have all the woman gone that just wanna suck dick and call it a night?: To a dinner party with the Loch Ness monster and Big Foot.

Finally, this is a long one but it was too wild to pass up: I’ve kissed Lust’s forbidden lips and got drunk with the fountain of youth...I shall show you many things. And once you do, you’ll come to me, again and again. Whether you go right or wrong is of no consequence; I’m here for those that crave what lies beyond the cave of illusions. Who else deserves to have her legs tremble while her eyes fade into white?: Truly, the “grandiose yet douchey” genre is as popular as ever. Somehow I can’t imagine that Plato would appreciate you claiming you can sex people into enlightenment.

[drchrismurray]

|| I’m A Mess ||

who: Chris Murray and Dr. Marietta Winslow with mentions of Brittany Pierce, Santana Lopez, Sam Evans, Mercedes Jones and Noah Puckerman 

when: Friday Morning

why: Chris has therapy

“Chris… Chris are you with me?” Chris blinked a few times, his mind completely elsewhere other than in the small room he was seated in. He looked around at the blank walls, painted what he could only assume was supposed to be a calming grey. It looked much like his own office where he met his clients. Comfy seats, walls that made his patients feel safe. And pictures of him and his family that made him relatable so his patients felt that they could talk to him. He knew the tricks were just that. Tricks. Which was why he was having such a hard time in this particular session. “What?” he finally replied. “I asked if you were okay,” Dr. Winslow leaned foward. “We started talking about your family and you sorta blanked out.” Christ adjusted in his seat and shrugged. “What do you want me to say Doc?” The older woman sighed and leaned back. “Chris… this isnt new for you. Not only do you do this for a living but we’ve been meeting each other for nearly two months and you’ve made progress but today it’s like you dont actually want to be here. So why are you here?” “Because I’m paying you $100 an hour,” he quipped, not earning a response from her. He sighed deeply and rubbed his now sweating hands on his pants before clearing his throat. “I’ve just been having a hard time.” “Chris,” she said again. “You were diagnosed with depression, something that millions of people deal with. And on top of that, your life hasnt exactly been a walk in the park. Your mother died when you were a child, and your father shipped you off to live with relatives when you were 16. You became a father at 17, and eventually married a woman who tried to kill your cousin. You have had more than a hard time…I just want to help you. Or we can sit here for the rest of the hour and not talk at all.” He tried to ignore the ripping in his chest and stared out the window. “Today was hard,” he started. “I didnt wanna get out of bed this morning. I felt pretty empty and I know you said these new meds would kick in soon but I feel like I’m drowning…. Last night I couldnt sleep and I just stared at Brittany… I just kept wondering why the hell she was with me.: “Why do you think she’s with you?” Dr. Winslow asked. “Do you want the real answer or what I tell myself?” “Both.” Chris swallowed and looked down at the ground, knowing that honesty was actually the best policy. He wasnt dumb, he knew that if he was going to be able to manage the storm that was his brain, he needed to lay all his shit bare. Even if it made him feel gross. “Most days I tell myself it’s because she loves me. Because she realized that she wanted to be with me. Other days I think it’s just because we have Ari. Because I’m convenient. Because... Puck isnt here.” He hated thinking it. That he was second best and that he didnt deserve to be with Brittany. Most days he was okay. Most days he knew he deserved to be happy. But those days were overshadowed by the days when he felt completely and utterly useless and unwanted. Dr. Winslow nodded. “Have you always felt like that?” “I dont know,” he shrugged. “Maybe? I always wondered what if we hadnt gotten pregnant? What if she’d had an abortion or if we just hadnt dated at all… would we be together right now?” “And?” “And… the answer scares me.” “Why?” “Because I knew that had we not had Ari. Had we not dated at all, I’d still have been with Santana and I would’ve married her…And she’d still be with Puck. He mightve still cheated but it wouldnt’ve been with Steph and maybe just maybe he’d still be alive.” “That’s a lot to put on yourself Chris. How does that make you feel?” “I dont know. I know that I love Brittany. So much. And I dont regret a single bit of our life together. And I want to be with her forever. But had she and Puck not broken up, she wouldnt have given me the time of day.” She nodded. “Does that make you feel insecure? Or unworthy?” Chris shrugged with a small nod.. “Look I know I’m good looking. I know I’m charming. I can turn it on whenever I want but the people who I fall in love with rarely love me back. Shawn was too deep in the closet to admit ever feeling anything for me. And Santana well I cant blame her because she barely loved herself when we dated as kids. And Stephanie was insane and cheated on me repeatedly. What makes me so sure Brittany is different?” “Is this why you have such a hard time thinking of marrying her?” Chris licked his lips and frowned. “Maybe? I wanna give her the world but marriage just sounds like something I never wanna do again. I mean everyone’s marriage has fallen apart. Charice and Dylan are divorced, Sam and Cedes never even made it down the aisle even though they’ve tried a combined number of three times. Why would I be the exception?” Dr. Winslow sighed softly and leaned forward. “Chris… I think when it comes to dating you’ve faced a lot of rejection. With Shawn, he rejected not only his sexuality but you as well. With Santana, she hid a lot of things from you and while I dont believe you were perfect, I think that’s added to your current mindset. With Stephanie, she cheated on you and then hurt someone you care about. I think it’s totally valid that you feel like marriage isnt something you want because you are yet to feel stable in any romantic relationship you’ve been in. But I think right now is a chance for you to try creating your own stability.” “How so?” he questioned. “Chris, have you told Brittany you’ve been meeting with me yet?” He started to shake his head. “Doc, I told you I cant. Look we’ve all been through so much shit the last year, I cant add this on. She’s already having a hard time with Cedes being gone and these new damn friends of hers that frankly suck. If I add depressed boyfriend to that, I dont know what she’ll do.” “Perhaps you arent giving her the chance to react. You’re basically taking her option away because you’re afraid she’ll reject you… maybe this even plays into the fact that you feel like you need to be the shoulder for everyone else. It’s a coping mechanism. You deal with other’s problems because maybe if they see you have a use for them they wont reject you much like your romantic partners and even your own family did as a youth.” Chris winced and clutched his chest due to the honesty in her words. “Ouch… Jesus Doc.” She shrugged a shoulder. “You dont pay me to lie to you,” she said. “Next week, I want to hear that you’ve not only told Brittany but that you’ve given her a chance to prove that you are in a stable, healthy relationship. One that wont end in rejection. Allow her to prove you wrong Chris.” Chris nodded, not wanting to do what she said but knowing that it would be helpful. “What if she proves me right?” he whispered. “Then you two made a beautiful little girl. And being with her taught you a lot. But she isnt the one you’re gonna end up with and that’s okay too. Stability starts in you first. Not in someone else.” Chris sighed loudly and rubbed the back of his head before standing. “Wow Doc, I feel like they need to pay you the big bucks.” “Aw Chris,” she grinned. “They already do. See you next week?” “Next week it is.”