#uplift medicine cabinet

[queen-moors]

Kids - Contemporary Bathroom Inspiration for a large contemporary kids' brown tile and porcelain tile porcelain tile doorless shower remodel with flat-panel cabinets, white cabinets, a one-piece toilet, beige walls and an undermount sink

[animationsuccessstories]

Transitional Bathroom - Kids A picture of a corner shower in a mid-sized transitional kids' bathroom with multicolored tile, stone tile, flat-panel cabinets, gray cabinets, granite countertops, a two-piece toilet, and brown walls also features an undermount sink and flat-panel cabinets.

[krispeetersvisitingthings]

Bathroom in Boston Mid-sized transitional kids' tile and stone tile corner shower design example with an undermount sink, flat-panel cabinets, gray cabinets, granite countertops, a two-piece toilet, and brown walls.

[iluvapplesxh]

hii!! if ur comfortable can u do billie x f!reader who sh’s? like a comfort fic maybe. ive been getting alot of urges to sh after being clean for a long time and i kinda just need this rn

⧽⧽baby, don't cut⧼⧼

❀ pair: billie eilish x fem!reader

✰ summary: The bliss, the lightness of every single gush of blood felt more and more freeing and you thought it would be for the best to finally make your mind shut off, but one person is always there, helping you, reminding you that you're not alone and that you're worth it. Worth living this life even if it's hard.

✯ warnings: self harm, blood, crying, angst, comfort, fluff, !ENGLISH IS NOT MY FIRST LANGUAGE!

✒ a/n: I legit teared up writing this...| also this is kind of rushed but I just didn't really know what to write. so sorry, anon!

A long, sickeningly satisfied sigh left you. Your back was against the wall, the cool surface palpable through your clothes against your skin. Your knees were pulled up against your chest, ankles pressed tightly against each other. Your arm was resting on top of your knees, the deep red substance seeping onto your pyjama pants, painting them that beautifully crimson colour.

The tears which were once streaming down your face now dried up, red puffy eyes tracing the harsh, deep lines on the soft flesh of the underside of your forearm, the stinging pain was dulling by each passing moment. 

The weight which was once pushing harshly against your chest, making it hard to breathe, now faded. Your heart calmed from its previous fast beating and you didn’t know if it was because of the way the blood was flowing down your arm, or because of that disgustingly amazing feeling, but your tears have stopped too a while ago.

It felt incredibly freeing, uplifting. Like the overwhelming feelings of the day have been washed away. All those thoughts that told you, you needed this. You had to do it. You deserved it. They were now quiet and your breaths weren’t as ragged, your lungs filling with air completely before it flowed out slowly.

Yeah, this was what you deserved. This was what you needed to feel okay….

But those thoughts fought a harsh battle every time your gaze wandered around your room and your eyes locked on the framed photo propped up on your nightstand. A photo of your amazing girlfriend. She was always so sweet. Asking if you were okay even after you’ve reassured her 10 times throughout the day. Now she was the one thing you didn’t  deserve. So why did she stay? Why, when all you do is push her away when your mind becomes too much and you feel like you can’t breathe without that sweet relief of the blade sliding across your already torn skin. It felt even more painful every time it glided over a fresher cut and that just made every breath intake that much clearer. 

Why?

And although you felt like there was absolutely no reason for her to be with you, you couldn’t bear the mere thought of her leaving you finally. The possible look on her face if she saw under your sleeves. It made you cry harder every time you thought about it at the wrong time and you didn’t want her to leave. You needed her. She was the only reason you didn’t press the blade down any harder, the reason you didn’t drown yourself in your medicine cabinet. She was the reason that you had rushed to the medical supplies in your bedroom when your blade hit that vein and then when the ambulance arrived you told them it was an accident. And when she asked about it you just told her the same. She was the reason you were alive.

But even if she was, you couldn’t just stop. No, you needed it like air in your lungs. 

With every hug from her, every squeeze she gave your hand when she’d hold it, every kiss of her soft lips on yours, life was breathed back into your soul until those damn thoughts. Your fucking head pushed it out time and time again and it made you sick.

You just wanted to love her.

You just wanted her to stay, to love you, to hold you when your ears rang and your eyes burned with tears. 

But you couldn’t anymore. Your lungs felt heavy again by the time you’d cleaned yourself up and then you started again, and again and again until you passed out for hours.

That also must be the reason for your blurry vision right now. Or for the sweat littering on your forehead as the back of your head leaned back against the wall. 

The love, the need to stay seemed to slip farther away just like the blade held in your other hand, falling against the floor with the quietest thud. But even though your knees soon stretched out, your arm falling to your side, you felt like you were floating. It felt like you were finally done with all of this. All these fucking problems and thoughts and you. 

And maybe it was due to the dull thumping of your heart in your ears, or your brain slipping in and out of consciousness that you didn’t hear the phone thrown on your bed ring. But it was, and the screen was flashing, lit up with a photo of Billie smiling at the camera. It rang over and over again but you didn’t hear it, not when your body went numb and your senses were duller than that first blade in your drawers under your clothes.

It was when you felt a soft, hurried touch on your cheek that you came back to your senses once more, eyes still slightly blurry and you could feel the stinging of your unwashed cuts on your arms. 

“Baby? Baby, look at me, please” 

Billie’s voice was soft but you could hear the strain in it, the slight crack in it when the nickname rolled off her tongue. You heard a sob rip through her chest and your vision cleared, eyes meeting hers.

“Oh thank God” Billie leaped forward, cupping your face with her trembling hands as she helped you sit up. “It’s okay, sweetheart. Help is on the way, okay? I’m here”  Tears clouded her own vision and her chest felt awfully tight.

You moved slightly, hand reaching out to her but she stopped you with a shake of her head. And for a brief moment her blue eyes snapped away from yours and raked over your body, the blood on your clothes, almost dried, but when her gaze fell onto your arm, another sob escaped her and she looked away, one of her hands leaving your cheeks to slap against her mouth.

Your throat felt tight with guilt, your heart feeling like it was being squeezed tightly as you watched the one tinge of hope in your life sob in front of you and when you finally muttered out some words, your voice was painfully hoarse.

“I’m-...I’m sorry, baby-..” Your eyes filled with tears and your head shook. “I didn’t–” You took in a deep, shaky breath as your own gaze averted from her tear stained face. “I tried to–...I’m sorry”

Billie quickly looked back at you and shook her head, turning your head to look back at her. “Sh, sh…I don’t need an explanation. I just…–” She swallowed around the lump in her throat, tears still rimming her eyes. “I don’t know how I didn’t fucking notice” Frustration laced her voice and she pulled back.

It obviously hurt her. 

When she had come over to you in worry after you didn’t answer her calls, she didn’t even think about this. And when she barged into your bedroom to see you lying against the floor by the wall, the deep red coating your shirt, it made her whole being freeze with harsh flashbacks. Her breathing had grown faster and she had muttered a string of ‘no’s as her feet brought her closer to you. She had fallen to her knees, one of her hands scrambling for her phone to call help as the other desperately used a paper tissue to dry up your gushing arm.

“Don’t move, baby.” Billie said, her voice quiet. “I’m here now.” She leaned forward, pressing her lips against your forehead while tears fell on her cheeks.

–

The two of you didn’t exchange any words when the ambulance arrived and took you away. Nor when you were lying on the hospital bed, being kept for the amount of blood that has left your body.

It made you angry and sad when she’d left, saying that she needed to collect herself. You knew she needed that. She shouldn’t have had to see you like that but fuck you didn’t want her to leave. God knows if she’ll come back. And your eyes filled with tears again as you were lying there, watching her leave that room with soft hiccups leaving her throat.

You hurt her. You made her leave just like you were afraid to do so and your chest felt tight, breathing becoming a problem. The doctors had come in quickly, calming your breathing with some kind of medicine and you wish it was Billie’s hand caressing your hair as your eyes closed and your body fell asleep. The deep green eyes of the nurse trying to calm you missed that warmth which hers held and even though deep down you knew that all of this didn’t mean she was leaving for good. But it felt so much like it.

–

About 24 hours later, you were let home, but she never came back. 

You were now sitting on the couch of your home, an emotionless expression on your face as your bandaged up arm rested on  your lap.Your head was a mess once more and your hands twitched the slightest bed, your eyes darting towards the door of your bedroom from time to time.

The sudden sound of your doorbell ringing was what snapped you out of the suffocating depths of your own mind and you mindlessly stood, walking towards the door and unlocking it before pulling it open. When the door was fully open, you didn’t have a chance to look up before your body was engulfed by a warmer one, arms wrapping around you tightly while your head was pulled against a shoulder and when you breathed in her familiar scent, your body relaxed. Your own arms circled her torso while you turned your head, burying your face into her shoulder with a deep breath.

“I’m sorry I left.” Billie whispered softly, leaning her cheek against your head.

“No-...I understand…” You mumbled onto her hoodie, palms spreading flat against her back.

Billie swallowed harshly and pulled back, guiding you back inside your home as the door closed behind her and she lifted a hand, placing her palm against your cheek. “Are you okay?” 

The question which you usually simply and swiftly answered with a ‘yes’ made you pause this time before you shook your head, throat tightening up. “N–...No” Your eyes welled with tears.

Billie’s heart clenched in her chest and she took a deep breath in, her thumb caressing your skin gently. “I know. I know, baby” She sighed and swallowed harshly again. “I’m sorry I didn’t notice” Her other hand reached out, she placed it hesitantly on your bandaged arm. 

A soft gasp of air filled your lungs and your teeth dipped into the flesh of your bottom lip. “I thought you left…” You whispered, eyes wandering away from hers.

Billie’s eyes watered and she nodded. “I know, I’m sorry” She whispered back.

“I don’t want you to leave. Please” Your voice cracked brokenly as your eyes found hers again.

She took a step closer, her hand on your cheek going behind your head. Billie’s head shook rapidly. “I won’t,  won’t, baby. I promise. I’m here, I’m staying” She gently pulled you close to her, pressing her lips onto the top of your head. “I’m going to help you, okay? We’ll get through this together” She murmured against your hair before you pulled back and your eyes met. The softness in her blue seas made your mind ease up the smallest bit and then her soft lips slotted against yours tenderly. The kiss was full of emotions, sadness, anger, guilt. 

“I won’t let you hurt yourself again” She whispered against your lips, and her words were like another promise. A promise that everything is so wrong right now, but she’s here and she’s going to make everything good again. That it may seem like the darkness of your mind was going to consume you and you were gonna slip up, and maybe you were going to, but even then, she’ll help you go straight. She’ll be there when it feels like everything around you is slowly falling apart and she’ll whisper in your ear that it’s okay and she’s here. 

She saved your life again and again, with or without trying and she will continue to do so until you feel like you are ready to fully live again.

✒ a/n: hey, anon, I just really hope that you'll be able to hold on with the help of this and if not I want you to know that whatever or whoever you think is worth enough to give it up is not worth it and you'll get through it, even if it's not going to be easy.

[gsstownmedicinal]

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[nnightskiess]

𝐟𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐤𝐬 𝐢𝐧 𝐦𝐲𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐨𝐮𝐬 𝐰𝐚𝐲𝐬.

𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐟𝐨𝐮𝐫: 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐢𝐬 𝐦𝐞 𝐭𝐫𝐲𝐢𝐧𝐠

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ ₊° -𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐝𝐬 𝐱 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫 𝐬𝐡𝐞𝐥𝐛𝐲 𝐠𝐨𝐨𝐝𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐝 𝐱 𝐟𝐞𝐦!𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫 𝐬𝐥𝐨𝐰𝐛𝐮𝐫𝐧 𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞 ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ 𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐞𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐝 𝐧𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐢𝐬𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐢𝐬 𝐨𝐟𝐟 𝐭𝐨 𝐚 𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐝𝐨𝐞𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐚𝐮𝐠𝐮𝐫 𝐰𝐞𝐥𝐥 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐝𝐚𝐲 𝐭𝐡𝐫𝐞𝐞 𝐰𝐡𝐢𝐜𝐡 𝐢𝐬 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐚𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐜𝐨𝐫𝐧𝐞𝐫.

series masterlist

☾ ⋆*·ﾟ:⋆*·ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:·ﾟ .: ⋆*·ﾟ: .⋆

i kindly ask you to not copy, republish, translate or reproduce this imagine on wattpad or on other platforms. respect the author’s work <3

By day's end, the campfire crackled and it was hard not to let yourself get lulled to sleep after the tiresome walk up the hill and the few hours of sleep you'd had the night before. You were in the sand with your arm over your forehead, but your eyes shot open when Shelby's enthusiastic voice filled the silence,

"Look what washed up!"

A black duffle was thrown in the middle of the group, a proud and cheerful Shelby standing behind it,

You sat up on your knees, hoping this was your duffle, but you definitely weren't the grey-haired guy on the nametag picture.

"Gotta figure this was our pilot... Davis Michael Crane..." Dot mumbled.

"Guess we found our John Doe."

Leah playfully shook her head at your inside joke.

"Now, sir, I don't have a great feeling about where you're at right now, but the shit you left behind will not be wasted." Dot spoke before throwing the nametag away and opening the duffle bag,

"Dottie, don't be morbid."

"Uh, well, sorry-" She turned to Shelby, "-but this bag is a haul... Pain pills... disinfectants, basically a whole medicine cabinet. Y/N, get over here so I can clean that wound of yours."

"It's nothing." You shook your head and hid your elbow, not wanting to accept the help.

"She's going for that hot castaway busted-lip kind of look, don't you get that?" Fatin shot a smirk your way, "It'll have all the ladies at your feet the moment the press posts our photos after we get rescued."

"The hell, Fatin? Way to expose my secret."

She sent you a flirty wink, "I can read you like the back of my hand, I'm onto you."

"That's not intimidating at all."

Fatin laughed, then pointed at the obvious recent scar on your underarm, "Bank robbery of '33, Bonnie?"

"No, actually- got this when I was held hostage in my own house after they broke in and tore the place apart because I couldn't give them any money."

"That was a really descriptive story, I feel like shouldn't believe you."

"It happened." You shrugged.

"Y'all, listen-" Dot stood up to address the group, "I know we're all down in the dumps after the news they brought back... but we have some cokes, some food from the plane, a fire to keep us warm and a bag of medicine. I know it doesn't look too promising, but if we need to, then this will bring us through the next couple of days until help has arrived. Let's not lose hope, okay? We can't afford to."

"I never thought we'd still be here by now..." Martha spoke softly.

Rachel nodded, her eyes focused on the flickering of the flames, "Really thought we wouldn't have to spend another night sleeping here. Do you think they at least know where we are?"

"Vaguely, perhaps."

"Modern-day's technology is smart enough to pinpoint the exact location." You tried to give her an uplifting smile, already hating how you had fought with her. You were not that kind of person, "Help will come soon."

She tried to smile back but it was clear she didn't totally believe you. However, your effort hadn't gone unnoticed because as you sat alone to watch the sunset an hour later, Rachel appeared next to you.

"May I?"

"Sure, but keep your distance, I might go all Cena again."

She rolled her eyes when she saw you were joking but sat down nonetheless.

"About that...Sorry if I came across too strong...and for targeting you."

It took you a second to hide the shock on your face. She was apologising to you? Someone... was apologising to you?

"Uh... oh- yeah, I mean... we all use different coping mechanisms, don't we? Yours has just caused you to butt heads with me... twice."

"Third time's a charm?" A playful grin washed over her face.

"Please, no, you're scary when you're angry."

Rachel chuckled, "Thanks for climbing up the hill with us and um... for putting me in my place."

"I didn't like doing it, but I'll do it again if I need to."

"That's fair." She nodded absentmindedly but cracked a tiny smile again when you offered her a handful of peanuts, "Thanks."

It got a little awkward, the munching of the peanuts the only sound filling the silence, but you were relieved that this conversation had taken place.

You felt Shelby hover again before you saw her, and when you looked over your shoulder, you saw the familiar blonde ponytail bounce sideways when she quickly turned around. You had been too occupied watching your step walking up that hill to also be busy stopping yourself from breaking down your walls, but the tiny crack she had seen, you had already cemented shut again. Whatever tiny slip-up had happened up there, whatever tiny smile you had given her, was past tense now and you weren't too keen on facing her again.

So when Nora approached to talk to her sister, you dusted yourself off and walked back towards the light of the camp.

"Back home, whenever the air gets this stuffy, it usually means you've gotta brace yourself for some heavy rainstorm."

"If you're trying to lift our spirits then you're doing a really shitty job." Toni grinned and moved aside to make room for you around the campfire.

A harsh gust of wind made the campfire flicker. It lost all its fire momentarily before slowly picking up again. The wind rose again, blowing sand in your faces. The army of dark clouds advanced. It began to drizzle.

"Um, that might become a problem."

"You're kidding."

"Don't think that's going to be our only problem." Toni held up a finger, signalling for you all to listen to the rumble of the sky.

"That doesn't have to mean anything. It might pass us."

☾ ⋆*·ﾟ:⋆*·ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:·ﾟ .: ⋆*·ﾟ: .⋆

"It might pass us?!" Fatin yelled out over the howling wind.

The booming of the thunder crashed through the night and mixed together with the screams of all of you girls.

The sand blew into your eyes, making them irritate and water. But the water in your eyes could also be from the rain. Your vision was a teary blur while you tried your best to stop things from getting taken in the wind.

"Please make it stop!"

"Come here, I've got you-"

Strands of hair stuck to your face, your whole body was drenched. Some girls scrambled together to hide under jackets, others were out stopping things from flying away as well. Shirts and other clothing articles flew out of Fatin's suitcase which she tried so hard to close, but the wind made it difficult.

"I used to think thunderstorms were, like... majestic."

"That still your take?!"

Another thunder clapped through the sky, and soon after your faces lit up for a short second.

"No..." Leah mumbled out.

"All right, come on- everyone grab an end! Get under!" Dot grabbed the emergency slide she had found that day, "Leah, come on!"

The thunder rumbled again, making you shrink at the sudden loud clap that followed. It was close.

"Y/N, get under!"

"The meds!" You yelled back, "Where are the meds? And the food!"

"Forget about that! Grab an end!"

"No, we need-" A thunder interrupted you.

"Y/N, let's go-" A hand grabbed a fistful of your shirt and pulled you backwards, under the slide.

There you all sat, shivering and shrinking with each loud clap of thunder. The wind howled through the trees, and the waves of the sea seemed to answer with loud clashing in return.

"My ankle's so itchy." Martha's voice trembled from the cold.

"My leg is kind of itchy, too..."

"Yeah, mine too."

"Shit, sand fleas." Dot spoke from next to you.

"Sand what?!" Fatin snarked with obvious distaste.

"Sand fleas! Well- they're not really fleas, they're more like tiny little shrimp."

"They're not lethal!" She continued after Fatin's whining and words of protest, "They're just annoying. Once the rain stops, we can just go scrub them off."

"What do you mean scrub them off?! I don't want to scrub them off!"

Not being able to hold it in any longer, you started to scratch and scrape at your exposed skin.

"Uh...you know... before they get a chance to burrow."

Fatin let out a strangled yelp, her skin getting even itchier thinking about it.

"Can't the rain was them off?!" Leah wondered, she too being busy scratching her legs open.

"Um... all I know is that the rain makes them climb to the surface of the sand."

"So we're sitting on an Atlantis filled with fucking shrimp?!"

"Pretty much."

Fatin turned to shout at the uncaring sky, "Fuck my life!"

☾ ⋆*·ﾟ:⋆*·ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:·ﾟ .: ⋆*·ﾟ: .⋆

Each girl had shivered all throughout the night, even when the rain had stopped, you being no exception. The storm had left you drenched and the fact that you were still in only a t-shirt had made it worse.

Wanting to provide for the group, you had offered to walk around to find stuff that had gotten lost in the storm. So there you were, trailing along the coastline, with the wind trying to blowdry your clothes simultaneously. So far you had found two bags of nuts, a red crop top, purple joggers and one of the swagbags, as Fatin liked to call them.

When you walked back, you stumbled upon Rachel, Nora and Leah who seemed busy preparing for something.

"What are you guys doing?"

"Gonna swim to the plane wreckage, wanna come with?" Rachel asked.

"No, thanks. Deep water isn't my thing."

"You're probably scared of what's in the depth of the waters, not the water itself."

You turned to Nora, "Still not going. Good luck, though! Be careful."

"We'll leave in five, if you change your mind."

The smoke that Dot wafted into the air and filled your lungs when you walked to the group made you think of home. It maybe wasn't the best memory to think of right now, but it happened.

"Hey, you're back! Anything new washed up? What did you find?"

"Just some nuts, more of Fatin's clothing and a swagbag." You put emphasis on the last word and threw it against Fatin's chest.

"Yeah, no, this is your Hawaii souvenir. It has your name on it." She threw it back.

"Fantastic." You muttered sarcastically before dropping onto the sand next to her.

Fatin snorted, "You look like a wet dog."

"You look like Pink Panther."

"Wow, add witty comebacks to the list too. It's getting longer and longer, girl. It's a leopard, by the way."

You let out an indifferent grunt, still grumpy from the events of the night before and the lack of sleep, "Potato, potato."

Fatin just snickered from beside you.

"How's your ankle, Martha?"

The girl looked up at you, immediately sending a tired but grateful smile your way, "Better, thank you."

"Anyone hungry? Toni?" You pulled the bags of nuts you had found out of your pocket and gave her a package.

"Thanks."

She started sharing with Martha. Fatin dismissed your offer.

"Um, Shelby?"

"Oh... yeah, sure! Thank you, Y/N." She accepted the other one.

"How are you all so dry already? Did she hide a blowdryer in that overpriced suitcase of hers?"

But your eyes took in the new clothes they were all wearing, which probably belonged to Fatin.

"I would need an outlet for that, dipshit."

"One-thousand dollars and it does not have an outlet?! Abomination."

Fatin rolled her eyes, and the other girls smiled.

"Whatever. Want a sweater? Pants? A hairbrush? A thong? You name it. Mi suitcasa es tu suitcasa." Fatin had already gone to open her suitcase but you stopped her.

"No, thank you, it's alright."

"Suit yourself."

"Dottie- what is that?" Shelby watched Dot work on the fire.

"Wet wood gets us black smoke, gets us a signal fire. Probably a good idea to keep it going during the day." Dot stood up when she noticed Nora, Rachel and Leah were about to leave,

"And, guys... I was pretty slack on this yesterday and it cost us— we've got to get real about shelter. If we all, you know, pitch in, grab the materi-"

Fatin’s hand went up like a missile and she wiggled her fingers to get Dot's attention,

"-Yes, lady in the leopard?"

"That sounds really unappealing and I'm exhausted... and there's rescue coming, so for those reasons... I'm out."

"Hey- where y'all going?!" Shelby walked to the three girls that had left quietly.

"We're swimming out to the wreckage, see if we can find anything useful."

"All right, just real quick- what do you guys think about building a shelter?" She rose her voice so that her message could be heard over the distance that grew now that they started to walk away.

"Not interested in laying down roots!"

"Au revoir!"

Shelby turned to Dot, who begrudgingly put on one of the swagbag visor on her head and grabbed a stick, "Dot, where are you going?"

"If we're not building a shelter, I'm at least gonna look for a cave or some kind of big rock that we can duck under...because believe it or not—the elements don't fuck around and neither should we."

"Wait, Dot-" You followed her, "I'm going with."

"Good to know there's at least one other person with a decent brain."

She waited for you to catch her pace,

"Hey, so, I'm thinking we should go inwards a bit. We're so out in the open and vulnerable to all the elements on the beach."

Dot pondered over your option, "I agree, but if rescue's coming, it's best we stay in sight. For now- at least." She explained with assurance when you had already opened your mouth to discuss, "Besides, fewer threats of dangerous animals and insects when we're not in the woods."

"Gotcha. I guess you heard them too, then."

"Those low growls and weird-ass screeches? Shit, yes. I did."

"Yeah... those kept me up all night. I couldn't tell where they were coming from exactly— left, right, behind me..."

"With your plan, to go into the woods, you probably wouldn't sleep a wink." Dot flicked some sand your way with the stick, a teasing grin on her face.

"But at least we wouldn't have to worry about sand storms, disgusting sand-shrimps, the harsh wind and the sun burning us alive."

"Touché." She nodded at you, "I guess there's just no such thing as finding a functional place for a shelter without any downsides. There's a risk to everything on this island."

"But hey, if we do need to build a shelter then I'm willing to help. I was a Girl Scout when I was younger and each year they sent us on these wilderness trips where we had to hone expertise in outdoor survival skills."

Dot stopped walking and looked at you, "Shit, I would've never guessed."

You nudged her with your elbow, "Well, the more you know."

"Did you sell those cookies too? Because-"

"Dottie! Y/N, hey! Wait up."

A big sigh left Dot's mouth as Shelby approached. You wiped the sweat off your forehead and looked away. The universe wasn't making things easy for you.

"Figured you could use the help. Hope that's alright with you guys. The others weren't keen on doing anything anyway."

Dottie looked away, leaving you to mutter under your breath, "Three's a crowd..."

"What?" Shelby squeezed her eyes at you and tilted her head, acting oblivious, "What did you say?"

"That it would be rude to make you walk all the way back, so, why not." You sarcastically lifted your arm and gestured for her to walk. She stared you down, seeing through your act.

Dot cleared her throat, "Let's get going then."

Deciding to trail behind them, you listened to their talk about their town back home, about the school picture debacle, about Dot's father having coached their youth soccer team. Soon, you realised there was a sharp edge to the conversation. It seemed like Dot didn't want to engage in it at all, but Shelby kept it going. Finally, she engaged in a topic you knew something about.

"I bet we're gonna be big news back home."

It took you a lot of self-control to not mumble out an unhappy, Sure, as if I wasn't already, but they didn't need to know about that.

"I guess so."

"I'm wondering how it's going back there."

"It's probably chaos. A flight with ten girls crashes and goes missing? Talk of the week." You flailed your arm when a bug flew in your proximity.

"Do you think our parents are aware of what has happened by now?" Shelby looked over her shoulder only to see that same distant expression take over your face. She corrected herself, "Or- you know, whoever we care about."

Your eyes met Shelby's and you realised she meant your broken family back home. You fell quiet, thinking of them.

"Sure, I guess." Dot shrugged, "I mean, they must be. It's been... what? Gotta be at least more than 24 hours? I have no idea what time it is."

The three of you walked along the crescent coastline.

"I heard, by the way, about your dad. That he was, you know, sick."

Dot shook her head in disbelief and stopped her step, "We don't have to do this, you know?"

"I'm sorry, do what?"

"Go all Breakfast Club on each other, peel back the layers. As far as I'm concerned, you can go on thinking I'm the "not pictured" girl, and I can go on thinking about you not at all. Have a lovely day." Annoyed, Dot turned around and walked a good ten paces in front of you before the two of you followed.

You blew a low whistle, "She got you good."

"Y/N." Shelby shot you a warning look, but not one that said she was mad or upset with you. She could never be, not even when you kept pushing her away. Besides, she saw this as the perfect opportunity to reunite and catch up, now that you were together.

"Hey, so, how are your grandparents? How's Riley?" Although her voice sounded cheery again, you could sense she was testing the waters.

"I don't know, Shelby, how are they? I haven't been able to call them."

She sighed, "You know what I meant."

You started to fumble with the bracelet on your wrist, "I'd rather not talk."

A tug on your hand suddenly pulled you back, "Come on, Y/N/N, how long will you keep on doing this?"

"I need space."

"Hear me out, please, let me explain. I really think you'll see things differently if you'll just-"

"I said I need space."

"Please, I just need you to know-"

"No."

"Y/N! Come on-" She yelled after you, but you had already stormed off into the woods.

"What's up with her?" Dot had stopped as soon as she heard the ruckus and walked back to meet Shelby halfway.

"Asked something I shouldn't have. I suppose."

"Did you put your nose in her business?" Dot's reply was sarcastic, but Shelby's cheeks flushed and she stammered and stumbled over her words,

"Excuse me?"

"Word of advice? Don't pry. People don't like that shit."

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Another dried fawn was fumbled into the swagbag. Your hands were dirty from rummaging through the piles on the ground but you couldn't care less as you wiped the droplets of sweat from your forehead. The forest was no joke. The sun wasn't blazing onto your skin, but there was no wind to cool you off either. Like Dot had said— there was a downside to everything on this island.

The confrontation with Shelby had been inevitable, although you knew you had barely even grazed the tip of the iceberg. It was childish of you to run away and not give her a chance to speak, to not hear her side of the story. Somewhere you knew that, but your frustration with whatever had happened couldn't just be brushed under the carpet. And after Shelby had brought up your grandparents and your sister, she had practically ruined all chances of a peaceful conversation with a good end.

You didn't know Shelby had joined Dot again, you didn't know of what had gone down and why her voice now sounded from somewhere to your right, in the woods, while Dot's yells came from the beach.

"Dot! Dot!" Shelby's voice echoed through the trees, making exotic birds finding their rest nearby, fly away.

"Shelby, where are you?"

The panic in her voice was not played. Without thinking, you dropped the pile of branches you had foraged and made a run for it, towards the sound of Shelby's cries.

Shelby's pleas and cries neared and soon you saw the back of her head as she sat perched against a rock, her eyes focused on something on the ground.

"Shelby!"

She squeezed her eyes shut at hearing your voice. Relief washed over her, knowing you used to make every problem of hers seem less severe and wanting to find peace at the thought of you helping her out this time as well. But these were very different circumstances. Your had voice made her want to whip her head around to calm herself down after taking a look into your familiar eyes, but the creature hissing in front of her made her body frozen in place as if she had just looked into Medusa's eyes. Shelby trembled and soft sobs shook her body while her eyes followed your approach.

A bundle of brown vines started to recoil in front of Shelby's feet and you then realised it wasn't part of the jungle's greenery. It was a slick and slimy snake that hissed and rattled its tale at the blonde.

"Holy fucking mother of-"

"It's a snake, it's a snake, it's a snake-" She rambled,

"Fuck, okay, don't worry. You'll be fine." Your subconscious took over and answered for you. Of course, she should worry. Of course, she wouldn't be fine, not if you didn't do something to help her anyway. You looked around for anything to keep her safe.

Although cliché, Shelby knew the saying was right when she saw her life flash before her eyes. Her memories flitted from one random image to the next. From her first soccer game to the daisy chains she used to make with Becs when they were kids, to the first time seeing your face on her screen, to her dad finding her phone and demanding answers. She shot her eyes open,

"Y/N, I'm so sorry I left you and-" She whimpered.

The snake's mouth opened slightly to reveal a set of sharp teeth and red, swollen gums.

"Shelby- shut up! Stay still!" Now was not the time, you needed to act quickly. But the blonde had other plans,

"No! Please, listen to me this time, I really need you to-"

You shut her voice off, letting her ramble on, as you searched the ground. You grabbed a large rock and approached, your arms already feeling like spaghetti as you tried to get your aim right.

The snake lunged right before you threw the rock. It missed its target completely.

"You scaly bitch!"

"Y/N, please!"

"Hey!" Dot approached fast, the stick in her hand and outstretched in front of her, "Don't move! Okay?!"

"Please, kill it, please, please-"

"Shelby- hey, it's okay." You forced her to look at you, "It'll be alright."

Dot's first attempt missed, causing the snake to hiss and shoot forward slightly. It was beyond angry right now, that much was clear.

"Oh, my God. Get it, get it, get it!"

Another hit and the stick perched through the snake entirely. Shelby lunged forward as soon as she saw the opportunity, and accepted the arms you held outstretched. Her hands clawed at the back of your shirt. She squeezed her eyes shut and buried her face in your shoulder.

"See? You're alright." You whispered into her hair.

"You piece of fucking reptile shit."

Shelby let go of you and the two of you turned to Dot, who started to slam into the snake,

"I was supposed to be in fucking Hawaii-" She breathed heavily, "-the 50th fucking state, at an aromatherapy massage, not in this fucking hellscape... trying not to die!!"

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Deciding to give Dot some space, you stood to the side and kept to yourself. No one said a word. Each of you needed to take a breather after the confrontation with the snake.

Shelby's eyes had watched you carefully. Her mind had been a whirlwind ever since she had locked eyes with you on the plane. She had beat herself up about everything that had happened once more, had felt every available emotion all at once, but had also caught herself realising how good it felt to have you close. To not have to imagine what it would be like. Even just the knowledge of having you around had calmed her down. But whenever her eyes had occasionally and sometimes accidentally gazed over you, she had also been caught with an immense feeling of shame, guilt, fear and pressure. Right now, though, all she could think of was how thankful she was.

"Hey." She mumbled and a soft smile was sent your way while she rubbed the dirt off your forehead with the back of her sleeve. It took you off guard. And just like that, with that kind gesture of her, or maybe because of the look she gave you that had made your heart quiver, she had made you forget that you were supposed to hate her.

"Thank you," Shelby spoke as she looked right into your eyes, the hazel colour on full display for you.

"Dot's the hero here. Not me."

"You tried. You were there. You came."

You nodded your head sheepishly, still unsure of what to make of this all.

Her voice turned to a whisper only the two of you could hear. For all Dot knew, you could be talking about her emotional breakdown just now, "Listen, I know I messed up, majorly, incredibly so, and I'm not looking for excuses. But you do deserve an apology. So... um, whenever you're ready... come find me. I want to explain." She played with her hands, "I hate that I've hurt you, all I ever wanted was to put a smile on your face. And I-" She paused but shook her head— this needed to be said, "I have missed you every day since."

"Shelby-" A deep sigh left your mouth.

"I'm so sorry, Y/N/N. If it had been in my hands, I wouldn't have done the things I did. I'm still here should you need me, okay?"

A faint smile appeared on your face.

You cleared your throat, wanting to get out of this situation. And quick, if you didn't want to lose yourself again, "I'm gonna... go back to camp. See what's happening there... if they need help."

"Are you sure?" Shelby's eyes flashed towards the dead snake momentarily, afraid there were other surprises waiting for you all in the woods.

"Yeah, I'll be fine. I left some kindle somewhere back there, should pick that up."

"Sure, okay. Be careful."

Shelby watched you leave before going to check on Dot.

"Hey, uh, thanks for saving me... us, just now."

"Least I could do."

"So...this might not be the best time to ask for a favour, but... could you not tell anyone about...my teeth."

Dot chuckled tiredly, "Take it to the grave."

"No, I mean... seriously."

Dot rose an eyebrow, "Sure."

"Even Andrew doesn't know."

"No offence, but you should probably lighten up about it. My fucking kingdom for a problem as big as some dentures."

"It's not dentures... it's just two of my- Anyway..."

A silence fell upon them.

"In my mind, it feels like...i-it feels like this super-thin wall...holding back all of this...I don't know. Ugliness.... He's cheating, isn't he?"

"Don't know. Just gossip, really. But for what it's worth, I think you deserve better."

Shelby stared aimlessly into the abyss, her mind going to you and how she had ruined that.

"This one time, we were on a mission trip to Mexico and we were watching the sunset together. Because the light was just right, the sun made this beautiful green flash just before it sunk below the horizon...and I was like-"

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"-isn't that just the purest thing you ever saw?"

Andrew's arm was wrapped around Shelby's shoulder, but all she could focus on was the buzz of her phone in her pocket, the realisation you had texted back, that you had seen the beautiful sunset picture she had sent you with the most cheesy line in existence— 'it reminded me of you'.

She so badly wanted to grab her phone and see your reply, to text you back, to call you and hear your voice and to have this moment together. But she had already made Andrew get her a drink so she could send you the picture in the first place, and couldn't come up with a new excuse to check your message. This one had to wait. And although you weren't with her in person, if she squinted her eyes, she could try and pretend like the warmth of his arm around her shoulder belonged to you, and that you'd make a comment that would make her grin from ear to ear, that your legs and hands would be entangled with her own while you watched the sun go down. That the safety of having you close would calm her down, ease her senses. Maybe someday, and if never, she always had her imagination to fall back on.

Andrew shook his head and smirked, "You're so random," Then his hand moved up her shirt. It ruined her daydream of having you there, not only because it was a strong reminder whose large and rough hand slithered up her shirt, but also because she knew you would never cross her boundaries like that.

A fake laugh left her mouth as she softly pushed him away in a playful manner, "Andrew, you can't do that!"

He smirked, "What if I want to?"

Suddenly, all she wanted was to swat his arm away, to push him off, to create some distance, to run and to run and to run. To run to you. All she wanted was you.

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"Dear Leah, I dreamt about you last night. You wore a dress like this, only it was red, and you were also wearing rollerblades. A person only gets a handful of perfect dreams in one's life. For me, this was one of them..., Juicy, right?"

"Hey, what are you two getting up to?" Your mouth formed an 'O' as soon as you saw the book on Fatin's lap, the book Leah had been glued to ever since the plane had crashed and the reason behind why she hadn't given you the light of day during the flight.

"He's written all these kind love notes for Leah to find. He's super in love with her." Martha beamed.

"Oh, you're snooping?"

She shrunk slightly, embarrassed, but Fatin kept turning the pages, "Here he just wrote, 'Shetland ponies forever.'"

"What does that mean?"

"Well, they are very adorable."

"It's obviously an inside joke. God, there is nothing grosser than couples and their inside jokes."

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

Fatin stopped, reclined and gave Martha a once-over, "Do you want some solid relationship advice?"

"Uh-huh!"

"Enlighten us." You crossed your arms over your chest, knowing whatever Fatin had to say would probably entertain you.

"Okay... there are only three things that you have to remember— skip the handy, dry humping is underrated, and always carry a stash of Uqora."

"What's Uqora?"

"It's for UTIs, like, after you have a lot of sex."

You snorted and looked away, shaking your head, "Martha, ignore everything she just said."

Fatin feigned offence and held her chest.

"Listen, as cliche as this sounds— don't look for love. You'll never find it when you seek for it around every corner."

"Well, that is true. You just stop paying attention to them and then they just, like, appear out of nowhere."

The thud of something being put onto the sand made you all look up, where Toni stood with the upper half of a male mannequin, "So this guy washed up. Is he good for anything?"

"See?! It's already coming to fruition." You gave Martha a cheeky grin, "He needs a good scrub first, though. He looks disgusting."

"Oh, that's easy— just let him sleep a night on the sand with us and his whole body will have had a good sandy scrub, even his buttcrack."

"Speaking from experience?"

"Don't look at me." Fatin deadpanned, her face stoic.

"So, what do you say, Martha? How about that first date?" Your voice was a few octaves deeper as you stood behind the mannequin.

"The fuck is this about?" Toni laughed.

"Operation Help Martha Get A Boyfriend."

"Wow, Marty, you're in luck today then? Although, see, he doesn't really read as straight to me. I mean, look at those abs. Straight boys don't rock an eight-pack that hard."

"Hmm, he could also be a straight gym-rat fuck boy, you know? All about his 'Gram channel, sprays Acqua di Gio on his balls, and he will always leave you on read."

"Speaking from experience again?"

Fatin turned to you, "Girl-"

You playfully held up your hands and snickered together with Martha.

"Marcus here will break your fucking heart."

"Marcus?"

"Yeah, where did Marcus come from?" Toni made a face.

Fatin shrugged, "It's a vibe."

"I mean, it's kind of close to my name," Martha spoke.

"It must've been written in the stars."

Fatin playfully eyed the mannequin, then Martha, "Honestly, I feel the chemistry."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, Marty, get it."

You all laughed. The moment got interrupted by the return of Shelby and Dot,

"We are back. Unscathed." Shelby announced. You noticed she looked at you with a different kind of air around her. She seemed calmer, more like herself, more like the Shelby you had gotten to know. She didn't hide anything behind a smile this time. This was your Shelby. She smiled at you.

Dot continued, "And we found a cave. So, if rescue doesn't show in the next couple of hours, I suggest we get a move on."

"Thank God!" Fatin piped up from above you and leaned on your shoulders, "I cannot take another night with wet sand in my crack."

"Knew it." Your mumble immediately received a playful slap to your cheek from above, from Fatin.

"Who is this?"

Martha turned the mannequin around, "This is Marcus. Toni found him."

"Marcus and Martha... sitting in a tree-"

Now your other cheek received a slap.

Shelby watched the interaction, felt her chest tighten and her eyes turn cold again. But she couldn't deny that she loved seeing you comfortable and joking around. She cleared her throat,

"I don't have a ton of experience, but doesn't that seem especially large?" She gestured at the male genitals Martha had cheekily drawn onto the mannequin with one of Fatin's lipsticks.

"Martha likes them hung."

Now it was your turn to slap Fatin, your slap hitting her thigh. Before she could shoot a witty reply your way, Rachel's yell sounded from a distance and echoed over the beach,

"Hey!"

Rachel, Nora and Leah approached— all drenched, shivering and looking exhausted from their time spent in the water, but it was what Rachel was carrying that caught all your attention. With a proud smirk, she put it down— the black box.

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"Why's it called the black box when it's orange?"

"Orange is an alarming colour, it stands out and is easier to find. The phrase originates from World War II but the concept of a black box has changed over time. That's why it's not an up-to-date name anymore." Nora shrugged, giving you the answer.

"Well, that makes sense."

"So what do we do with it?"

"What are you all looking at me for?" Dot spoke up, "I don't know shit about planes. Two days ago was the first time I'd ever even been on one."

"We should open it." Leah stared the thing down, needing to know whatever information was held inside.

"But it says right on the thing-"

"-Martha, I know, but if we were to get inside, we might find the actual recording, like...like, the actual tape of what happened to us up there."

"Don't we kind of already know what happened?"

"Do we? Can somebody tell me, like, the full account? From the turbulence to the moment you woke up here?"

The circle of girls fell quiet. No one remembered a second, and you all knew it.

"Fuck no! We're not opening it." Rachel spat.

Your eyes flickered to hers, a silent warning that she was doing it again, but she didn't look at you.

"You said there was maybe, like, a transmitter in here, beaming out our location?" Dot turned the attention away from Rachel and back to her sister.

Nora nodded, hugging her legs close to her chest in an attempt to keep herself warm, "Yeah, it's called a beacon... I think. It's a... nautical term?"

Shelby sat up on her knees, "Okay, but it's been three days. If they haven't found us yet, can't we assume that this beacon thing is busted? I mean, maybe if we just try..."

"Do Not Open! What part of that is unclear?" Rachel started again, "What if we open it and break a completely functional beacon? That would wipe us off the grid entirely. Is that what you want? 'Cause if it's what you all want, you're fucking damaged."

"Rachel-"

"No! Y/N! I was out of line before but we should take this seriously! What if opening this will ruin our chances of being found?! Do you fucking want that?! Huh?!"

Leah and Fatin shared a look, obviously because of Rachel's intense outburst again.

"There's a bulb inside, but it's out."

"Okay... so... that means it's definitely broken, right?" Martha tried, hoping that would make everyone agree it would be wiser to open it.

"If someone suggests opening it one more time, I swear to God." Rachel tried to keep her cool, but struggled.

Fatin rolled her eyes and turned to Dot, "What do you think, Dorothy?"

You inspected the girl's face, she was clearly still shaken up from the snake attack and whatever emotions and memories had resurfaced after. You looked towards Shelby and nudged your head. Shelby took the hint,

"Okay, y'all, what we choose to do right now should not be in the hands of just one person. Okay? Not that Dottie couldn't handle it, but we shouldn't put that much responsibility on her. So, all those in favour— raise your hands."

Everyone's hands went up except for Rachel's, and Nora who seemed to do it because she wanted to back her sister. Her face was buried in her lap, as if she didn't want to face what would come next. A sour frown took over Rachel's expression and she crossed her arms.

"All righty, then. Majority rules."

You sat next to Dot as she fumbled to get it open. When she found the trick behind opening the lock, a click was heard and the orange container could be slid open. Inside were all kinds of metal boxes that looked like the back of a very old desktop computer. Lots of wires and buttons and nubs seemed to have kept the thing going. Dot played around with it all until a beep was heard.

"Holy shit."

"What's the sitch, Wade?" When no one seemed to catch on or laugh your smile faltered, "Okay, guess not."

"Do you think that means it's working?"

Dot turned to Nora again, who seemed to know a lot about whatever situation they found themselves in. It had come in handy already.

"I mean, I don't know, but we have to assume... yes."

"So it's on? Now they're gonna find us?"

Rachel's eyes started to glow. The girls had a renewed sense of hope.

Toni pulled a grinning Martha into a side hug, "Yeah, boy! Fuck to the yes!"

Relief washed over most of your faces at the realisation of the end of your island trip coming near, but Dot spoke up again,

"Wait a second. I think this is it..." She pulled an audio device out of the black box, "...the recording from the flight."

Leah took it and didn't waste time. She pressed play,

"This is November Delta 294, are we cleared for departure?"

She pressed forward,

"294 out of range, engaging distress signal. We've gone off course. Mayday, Mayday, May-"

The mood changed and no one was seen smiling anymore.

"Lost thrust in both engines. We're off course—"

Your skin started to itch, grow hot and cold, your chest tightened, and a boulder was dropped on your shoulders again. A sudden sweat made its entrance and you couldn't breathe. You put your hand on Leah's to stop her from pressing play again,

"I-I.... I don't think I want to listen any longer?" It sounded like a question, since you suddenly felt so vulnerable and weak again, as if you had been shepherded into that same corner that had become so familiar to you back home. You tilted your head to the side, the anxiety already back in tenfold at even the thought of the terror you had felt right after waking up after the crash.

But Leah's curiosity was too hard to tame.

"Cabin pressure is gone, Captain. The girls are unconscious. We got complete engine failure, I'm gonna have to put this down in the water."

An ever so soft and begging please left your mouth, but the audio device beeped again as Leah fasted forward.

"Leah! Stop it!" Shelby raised her voice, having noticed your behaviour, but Leah's bright blue eyes were filled with focus.

"Unlatch the exits! Make sure the girls have flotation devices! 294, Mayday, Mayday, Mayday! We've lost thrusts in both engines and are attempting a water landing!"

Your shallow breathing had started to make you lightheaded. You stumbled away from the circle, from the girls, from the sound of hearing your doom get played again.

"Hold on for the attempt! Oh, shi-"

The Captain's words got cut off as Fatin slapped the device out of Leah's hands and onto the ground,

"Read the fucking room or learn some boundaries, you fucking idiot! What the hell was that?!" She gave her a shove. It was as if it had shaken Leah out of her haze, since now her big eyes followed you stumble away in a panic, Shelby close behind.

"I'm-I'm sorry... I just wanted... I just needed to-"

"-let us relive our trauma?" Fatin shot her a nasty look before going in the direction she had seen the two of you leave.

You clumsily sat yourself down into the sand, your limbs too shaky, and at the same time incredibly heavy. Your hands were ice cold and clammy and the shaking of your fingers made you move to open your pocket until Shelby's face filled your view.

She sat crouched down in front of you, holding you up.

"Shit, Y/N, shit, shit-" She cursed, not having the slightest clue what to do. You had always been so composed and had seemed to confident and in control. This was new to her and she had no clue what to do. Usually, you had been the one to calm her down, not the other way around.

She squeezed your knees and your eyes fluttered open.

"I don't know what to do,-" You mumbled, "I don't want to feel like this, please, I don't know what to do, Shelby-"

She sensed this was going very badly when your breathing turned shallow and fast, she squeezed your knees again and your eyes opened once more.

"Hey, hey, hey- Listen, I'm here... I'm here. I'll help you through this." It was scary and intensely unsettling to see you like this. She tried to keep her own panic under control and cleared her throat,

"Feel the warmth of my hands on your knees?" She squeezed them. She did not get a reply so she continued. Her hands moved up to where you were tightly holding onto your legs, dinging your nails into your skin.

"Do you feel the touch of my fingertips?" She lightly tapped each knuckle on both your hands, then massaged the hills and valleys of your knuckles, "Remember to take a deep breath in, push it all the way to your belly."

She had learned that taking deep breaths whenever she was anxious before a show usually worked to take the edge off her nerves.

Shelby softly pried your fingers off the bracelet that you held tightly. So tightly that she was sure it would snap if you continued. Her ponytail hung over her shoulder and she got an idea.

"Does that tickle?" She moved the tips of her hair across your underarms and you twitched slightly at the ghost of a tickle. You suddenly felt the pad of her thumb grazing along your collarbone. Then it appeared in a pattern on the back of your hand again. Then the tip of your nose got a few soft taps. She squeezed your knee, then started on your knuckles again.

"Deep breaths." She reminded.

After Shelby did the same pattern once or twice more, you knew where her touch would follow next. Having kept yourself busy by counting and following Shelby's touch, eventually, you realised your breathing had started to normalise again. The cold sweat still coated your back and forehead, you were still exhausted and shakey, but the itching of your skin and the boulder on your shoulders had left.

"That's it, Y/N/N." She coaxed you through it.

Fatin watched, not uttering a word, not wanting to announce her arrival. She knew it would put a spanner in the works of calming you down. So, she gave the two of you some space and stood to the side.

You dared to open your eyes again and a sigh of relief left your mouth when the world was no longer blurry or spinning. Although your anxiety still hadn't disappeared, Shelby had helped you through the worst of it. Still, your hand ghosted over your pocket. When you moved around and felt the strip poke your side, another relieved sigh left your mouth. You were too tired to give a flying fuck that both girls had witnessed this moment of your weakness, that it had been Shelby that had calmed you down, the girl you had sworn to ignore.

"Fatin." You croaked out, seeing the girl watch you with worry flashed across her features.

Shelby turned around in an instant, her cheeks grew hot. She stood up and walked a few paces back, "Um, I should see how the others are holding up... after the whole... debacle."

Fatin furrowed her brows and gave Shelby a confused side-eye. She approached you and sat down in the sand next to you.

"It was a lot to take in, wasn't it?"

You merely nodded.

"You'll be alright, Bon-Bon." She awkwardly patted your knee when your head dropped to rest on her shoulder. "Don't worry, I gave her a good beating. Not literally-" She added when she felt you make a move to remove your head.

Your voice sounded exhausted but you smiled nonetheless, "Thanks, Clyde."

☾ ⋆*·ﾟ:⋆*·ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:·ﾟ .: ⋆*·ﾟ: .⋆

"Listen, guys, about that cave we found earlier today- we should probably get a move on if we want to reach it before dark. Try to pack up everything and carry whatever you can. I know some of you don't feel like doing it, but it was really cold the first night and last night we had that storm. I really think the cave is gonna be a better shelter." Dot spoke like a true leader.

And so it went. The nine of you walked along the crescent coastline, the waves serving as calming background noise.

"Toni?"

"Hm?" The girl glanced back as much as she could while pulling the bundle of tied up stuff along with her.

"Did you by any chance take a basketball with you on the place because if that thing washes up, we'll have our very own Wilson."

She laughed, "The fuck are you going on about?"

"From that movie? Cast Away?"

"That was a volleyball!" Dot yelled from her place upfront. "Get your facts straight." She teased.

"Yeah, well, I haven't watched it in years, excuse me."

"It was too iconic to not remember it was a volleybal. You should watch it again in honour of our adventures as soon as we get back home."

You let out a sound of indifference, "Don't think I'll want anything to do with anything tropical or deserted island-ey."

"That's fair. Hey, but, one of us should, like, totally write a book about all of this."

"Not me."

"Yeah, no, not me either."

"Leah, wanna take that one? Since you seem to be glued to that book." Rachel played around.

Toni nodded, "That shit will probably sell like crazy."

Fatin piped up, "As long as you'll share the royalties with me. If you're gonna write to the whole world about how I woke up with sand in my crack then I at least want to get something in return."

"You sure mention that a lot, don't you?"

She gave you a look, and then puckered her lips to make kissy faces at you.

Although you had started the conversation and seemed to be in for a joke again, Shelby kept a close eye on you, still unsettled at what you had gone through a few hours ago. You seemed fine now, but was that the same as what was going on inside your head? Was this just an act? Besides, it had appeared that she barely knew you anymore, so whatever ability to be able to read you she'd had in the past, was sure gone now.

"It's.... cave-y," Martha noted, getting chills as soon as she stepped into the cool cave.

"It's a cave, what did you expect?" Dot smiled slightly.

Each girl took her time to help set everything back up. You yourself had decided to re-organize the kindle you had found that afternoon into piles for signal firewood, dry wood and dry logs.

A soft tap on your shoulder broke your concentration.

Leah.

You clenched your jaw. You hadn't had a problem with Leah before, on the contrary— she had been one of the first girls who you had felt comfortable around. But the stunt she had pulled earlier, the thing that had filled you to the brim with anxiety and had made you relive an anxiety attack again, hadn't been forgiven or forgotten yet.

"Hey, um, so, I was way out of line... back there... earlier. I don't know what I was thinking. I mean- I don't think I was, truth be told— which is, like, totally not an excuse or me trying to swerve my way out of an apology because this is... an apology. So, I'm so sorry, Y/N. I shouldn't have done that. Are you... are you alright?" She shifted in her spot and bit her lip when you kept staring at her, barely blinking.

You rose to your feet, levelling your gaze with hers.

"I told you to stop. Did you not hear that?"

"I-I don't know, I don't remember. You have every right to be mad at me but... listen-"

"-Listen?! Oh, so the thing you did not do?"

"Y/N-"

"Leah, this place is already horrifying enough as it is. I did not want to go through any additional hell but that was exactly what happened after you kept playing that tape."

"You could've walked away earlier," She tilted her head, unsure of her own comment. "I really needed to hear it all, we all did... I think."

"Oh- so now I'm the one at fault?"

"No! I said sorry, Y/N! And I wholeheartedly meant that! I fucked up, okay?"

"You triggered an anxiety attack, did you know? Have you ever had one?"

"Y/N, I am so sorry."

Taken aback by the glistening of her eyes, you blinked... once, twice as you stood there, dumbfounded. Someone was actually sorry for what they had done to you, for the first time in ages. This wasn't your fault, and she had admitted that.

She looked at your outstretched hand with a puzzled look on her face, but grabbed it when you gestured for her to shake it.

"Never again."

"Never again. I promise."

She gave you a hesitant smile when you left to walk outside, walking into Dot and Shelby who stood to admire the sun going down.

"Oh- hey." Shelby whispered softly when she stepped back, letting Dot have her moment alone, "It's beautiful isn't it?"

You hummed, being enamoured by the view.

"Reminds me of-"

"-that picture."

"I mean, yeah!" Shelby breathed out, surprised that you would acknowledge it, that you even remembered it at all.

"Good times, good times." You mumbled, somewhat sarcastically, under your breath before retreating back inside, realising you wouldn't find your much-needed peace outside either.

After the sun had gone down, the sky only stayed slightly alight for a few more minutes, leaving you all in total darkness until Nora helped Dot with the campfire.

Still, the flames and the heat that bounced off the walls of the caves barely kept you warm. You rubbed your arms and put your head in your lap, your breathing now trapped in a small space and therefore warming your face.

The soft fabric of a jacket was thrown around your shoulders and you pulled your head out of your lap. Fatin stood over you, smiling softly.

You pulled the jacket off you and inspected it. It was red with a black panther print and stripes.

"You sure do love your panther prints, huh?"

"Rawr. You're welcome, bitch." She clawed her manicured nails at you before wanting to turn on her heel, but frowned when she saw you neatly fold her jacket up and put it beside you.

"I'm pretty sure it's not allowed to return or refuse gifts from royalty."

"Royalty?" Martha joined the conversation, which caught Toni's attention as well,

"Says who?"

"Says the literal royal rule book!"

"What else is in that book of yours?"

Fatin cleared her throat, getting ready. She tilted her chin, "Uh-hum, no politics!" She playfully wagged her finger, "When the Queen stops eating, everybody does. Royalty cannot eat shellfish!"

"The hell-"

"I call bullshit."

"Do you want to smell like Seaworld when you're royalty? No, exactly."

"You're taking the piss with us." Dot laughed, glad that there was someone doing her best to lighten the situation.

"Actually, everything she said was all true." Nora chuckled dryly.

"Even the seafood bullshit?"

"Yeah... but not for those reasons. Just because it's risky food."

"Risky food? It's fucking delicious. When I went to Thailand with my family, we went to a place that had the best Poo Cha in the area. Let me tell you- when it touched my lips—" She kissed her fingers and made a sound.

Toni rolled her eyes, "Way to make me feel like a fucking commoner."

The conversation had taken the attention away from you, but Fatin remembered why the discussion had even started. Deciding to involve the whole group so you had no other way but to answer her, she raised her voice,

"Why do you keep refusing my clothing?"

Eight sets of eyes stared at you.

You shrugged, focusing on the ground where you were drawing circles in the dust of the cave with your finger. You felt all their eyes on you and you could slap Fatin right about now for putting you on an unwanted pedestal with her comment.

"I've also got this leopard camo jacket if red is not your colour?" She tried to play it off as a joke but already started to rummage through her suitcase again, "Or wait... maybe..." She pulled out a fluffy dark green coat from the bottom of her suitcase. She tamed the hairs to get it neat again, "This will definitely keep you warmer than that shirt of yours."

"I'm fine. Thank you."

Her smile dropped and she stared at you, trying to read the expression behind your eyes while you kept busy patting the non-existent dust off your pants.

Without saying another word, Fatin sat down next to Dot, who leaned over to whisper, "It’s probably not my place to assume, but I always hate when people give me stuff I know I can’t repay them for."

"It's just a jacket?" She shot back.

"And it's just an assumption."

Fatin stared back at you, letting her mind run with every possibility of why you just wouldn't take any of her clothes, in contrast to the other girls. But if you thought that she would let you shiver through the night while she had a suitcase filled with things to keep you warm, then you definitely thought wrong.

"Goodnight, everybody." Marthe yawned, curling into herself on the ground, close to the fire. A cacophony of goodnights followed, and you decided it was time to try and sleep as well.

Your hand grazed your pocket, where the strip of pills was still safely tucked away. The thought crossed your mind for only a split second, but no, you would not cave. Not today.

The anxiety attack had left you exhausted, so it was no surprise that you fell asleep almost immediately.

i kindly ask you to not copy, republish, translate or reproduce this imagine on wattpad or on other platforms. respect the author’s work <3

[tipsycad147]

All About Lavender – 19 Science-Backed Health Benefits & More

Written by Sass Ayres

Loved for its sweet fragrance and beauty, and un-ironically named for the color of its blooms, lavender is an herb of great culinary and medicinal versatility. The benefits of lavender range from its potential to help us sleep better and digest more easily to helping to heal our wounds, ease our aches and pains, and more. Plus, it’s the ultimate herb for relaxing and pampering yourself with botanicals.

Learn more about this incredible plant including 19 science-backed health benefits and uses, key botanical features, history, and more.

HERE YOU’LL FIND: Meet Lavender, Botanically Speaking… Culinary Uses of Lavender 19 Science-Backed Health Benefits of Lavender Try These Recipes With Lavender

Meet Lavender, Botanically Speaking…

There are about 39-45 different species of lavender. Among them, Lavandula angustifolia is the most commonly cultivated.

Lavender is a small, herbaceous perennial shrub in the mint family that matures to about 2-3 feet tall and 2-4 feet wide.

Leaf shape is pretty diverse across the Lavandula genus, but they’re typically grey-green in color. The characteristic flowers range from light violet to deep purple.

This plant is a sun lover! Just picture her basking in the sun on the Mediterranean coast, getting spritzed by the cool, misty breeze coming off the sea. Lavender loves a sunny, but mild climate, not too hot and not too cold.

Lavender is generally pretty draught-tolerant. In fact, overwatering or trying to grow in a climate that is too wet is the most common problem with growing lavender.

Typically, lavender is grown as an ornamental or for its essential oil, but it’s also a great pollinator species and natural pest repellant.

The word lavender comes from the Latin word lavare, meaning to wash, referring to the traditional use of lavender infusions.

Culinary Uses of Lavender

Lavender is one of those ingredients that people either love or don’t love. We’ve all heard the comparison between lavender and our grandmother’s soap. And I’ll be honest, there’s some validity to the comparison.

Too much lavender can leave a soapy aftertaste in your mouth. But don’t let that stop you from including this beautiful and versatile herb in your spice cabinet. Learning how to use lavender in your food and beverages is simple. As a general rule of thumb: go easy on the lavender. A little goes a long way.

Due to its antimicrobial properties, lavender found itself in many traditional foods, perhaps more for practical reasons than flavor. Before refrigeration and our modern food sanitation practices, we had antibacterial and anti-fungal herbs and spices. Using these in our cooking helped to preserve our food and protect us from food-borne illnesses.

Both the leaves and flowers are edible! The leaves can be used anywhere you’d use rosemary leaves. Although, lavender has a much milder flavor than rosemary, and using the flowers in food is much more common.

Lavender’s versatility is perhaps its most fascinating culinary aspect. It suits both sweet and savory foods. You can find lavender in everything from infused oils and vinegars, herbal salt rubs, spice blends like Herbs de Provence, herbal honeys, shortbreads and cookies, cakes and ice creams, cocktails and mocktails, and more!

Science-Backed Health Benefits of Lavender

Lavender has a long history of medicinal use. Today, many of the folk medicine traditions of using lavender have been validated by modern science. Most of these studies evaluate the health benefits of lavender essential oil and its wide variety of internal and external uses.

Insomnia & Sleep

SLEEP QUALITY: Many studies have found lavender aromatherapy (using lavender essential oil) to be effective in improving sleep quality (but not necessarily quantity). Studies included college students, hemodialysis patients, postmenopausal women, and those experiencing sleep apnea. Lavender essential oil is a non-toxic, easy, and affordable addition to a healthy sleep routine with many potential benefits. It may help to improve insomnia, decrease frequency of sleep disturbance, and enhance overall sleep quality. Its soothing effect has been found to also increase feelings of being well-rested.

Herbal Products You May Enjoy! You’ll find lavender essential oil in many aromatherapeutic sleep blends like this Sleep Essential Oil Blend and Sleep Ease Aroma Oil with clary sage, bergamot, and chamomile from Mountain Rose Herbs. This lovely Lavender Linen Spray is the perfect accompaniment to sweet dreams. Or sip on this Sweet Repose Tea with chamomile, peppermint, rose, and more before bedtime.

Hair Health

Lavender has also proven itself a great tonic for the hair, scalp, and skin.

HAIR GROWTH: Topical application of lavender oil to the scalp has demonstrated hair growth promoting effects in mice. This suggests its possible application in treating alopecia in humans. Many hair growth promoting products heavily laden with chemicals come with the possibility of many negative side effects. These side effects include an increased risk of allergic reactions. Thus, lavender may be a much safer alternative to these products.

DANDRUFF: As an antimicrobial, lavender can help to prevent bacterial and fungal infections that can lead to a dry, itchy, and flaky scalp. Lavender shampoos have been proven an effective treatment for dandruff, as well a pleasant addition to overall hair and scalp hygiene.

HEAD LICE: A 2011 study found that both tea tree oil and lavender essential oils were effective in the treatment of head lice due to their anti-microbial properties. This essential oil combination demonstrated greater effectiveness than using eucalyptus and lemon tea tree oil. And again, lavender oil may be a safer alternative to conventional treatments for head lice.

Skin Health

CANDIDA & OTHER FUNGAL SKIN INFECTIONS: Another amazing benefit of lavender’s antimicrobial and anti-inflammatory properties is in helping to treat fungal skin infections such as Candida albicans, athlete’s foot, ringworm, and more.

Many of these common fungal skin infections are becoming resistant to anti-fungal medications! Lavender may be a safer, more effective treatment without the possibility of developing resistance.

ECZEMA: In more severe cases of eczema that may lead to skin infections, treatment with lavender essential oil may be an appropriate alternative to prescribed antibiotics

However, lavender oil also contains a certain compound that may actually cause an allergic reaction. Those with particularly sensitive skin (ie. if you commonly react with laundry soaps and cosmetics) may want to avoid using lavender oil. Overall, lavender oil allergy is incredibly rare.

SUNBURN: Lavender sprays are popular sunburn remedies. Its anti-inflammatory properties are really soothing to sunburned skin. However, lavender can also be drying. Combine it with a moisturizer like aloe vera or coconut oil.

There are so many different ways to use lavender to help with sunburn relief. A popular herbal sunburn spray consists of water, aloe vera, jojoba oil, and a few drops of lavender essential oil.

MOSQUITO REPELLANT: Lavender is commonly used by gardeners to help deter rabbits and deer from munching on their garden goodies. It’s also an effective mosquito repellant! The essential oils in the plant that humans find so lovely and relaxing are the same essential oils that mosquitos can’t stand!

The smell is so strong that lavender works in a way similar to DEET in that it overloads their senses and keeps them away. Lavender essential oil sprays or roll-ons are also a much safer alternative to DEET-containing conventional bug sprays.

Stress, Anxiety, & Depression

GENERALIZED ANXIETY DISORDER (GAD): Lavender has proven itself a safe and effective alternative to benzodiazepines, prescription medications commonly prescribed for Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Because prescription medications for anxiety can be sedating and come with a high risk of drug abuse, anti-anxiety herbs like lavender are much-needed alternatives.

DEPRESSION: The relaxing aroma of lavender has directly led to its therapeutic use in treating mood imbalances. Studies have found that lavender oil taken internally can also be effective in treating depression.

One study found that 80 mg per day of a high-quality lavender essential oil demonstrated an effectiveness that is comparable or better than both benzodiazepines and kava. Plus, lavender is also a safer alternative without the risk of side effects or the potential of drug abuse.

STRESS-INDUCED HOT FLASHES: One 2016 study found that aromatherapy with lavender essential oil (20 minutes twice a day) effectively reduced hot flashes in menopausal women. While hot flashes don’t pose any medical threat, they are incredibly uncomfortable and can cause a significant decrease in quality of life.

Herbal Products You May Enjoy! Both herbal teas with lavender and lavender essential oil are great ways to use lavender for stress, anxiety, and depression. Try this Peace Tea with cinnamon, passionflower, and rose. Or take advantage of lavender’s mood-elevating properties with this Uplifting Aroma Spray with lavender, jasmine, and clary sage.

Cognitive Function & Memory

ENHANCED COGNITION & MEMORY: Both lavender and rosemary have long histories of use in enhancing memory. One 2018 study on short-term memory found that lavender helped to enhance image recall in students aged 13-17.

Interestingly, lavender does not seem to help with numbers! Instead, lavender oil aromatherapy seemed to actually weaken the memorization of numbers. You may want to skip the lavender oil when taking math tests!

DEMENTIA: One 2010 study demonstrated that topically applied lavender oil can be effective in reducing agitated behaviors in nursing home patients with severe dementia. This suggests that lavender oil may be a safer alternative to traditional treatments for these behaviors that may include pacing and aggression.

Pain & Inflammation

MIGRAINE HEADACHES: Lavender essential oil has also shown to be beneficial to those that suffer from migraine headaches. One study showed that inhaling lavender essential oil for 15 minutes significantly reduced migraine severity. And another study showed it to be effective as a preventative in helping to reduce the frequency of migraine headaches.

ACUTE & CHRONIC PAIN: Lavender essential oil comes to the rescue again! Massage with lavender oil has been found to significantly reduce neck and back pain. It can also help improve movement in the cervical and lumbar spine.

Lavender may also help with pain associated with arthritis and childbirth. Lavender’s antioxidant and anti-inflammatory properties may be beneficial for a wide variety of pain and inflammation.

MUSCLE TENSION: Lavender is a popular ingredient in many massage oils, and for good reason! Not only does the smell of lavender serve as a stress tamer, but its anti-inflammatory actions serve to also help relax muscle tension. Muscular jaw tension causing limited mouth opening has been found to be improved by massage with lavender oil, as has menstrual cramping of the uterine muscles.

Digestion

HEALTHY DIGESTION: Lavender is an amazing carminative herb that helps to support health digestion by helping to relax the smooth muscles in our guts. In doing so, lavender tea can help to prevent gas and bloating, painful stomach cramping, indigestion, and other symptoms of poor digestion.

The calming effects of lavender can also have a beneficial effect on digestion. When we’re less stressed, we digest more efficiently.

Immune Health

IMMUNE SUPPORT: By way of its ability to help calm us down, put us into more of a rest and digest state (as opposed to a fight or flight stress response), and support healthy digestion, lavender can also help to boost our immune systems.

When we’re less stressed and less inflamed, our overall health is in much better shape.

Blood Pressure & Heart Health

HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE: It always comes back to stress and inflammation, doesn’t it? One 2017 study found that placing a cotton swap dipped in lavender oil under the oxygen mask of open heart surgery patients effectively reduced both blood pressure and heart rate.

The positive effect on vital signs demonstrated in this study suggests so many potential benefits to those experiencing chronic high blood pressure or other negative cardiovascular events.

You Might Enjoy These Recipes With Lavender

Use lavender to make your own All-Natural Herbal Bug Spray. Throw this Chamomile, Rose, & Lavender Bathtub Tea into your bath and call it a night! Indulge with these healthy Elderberry & Fig Galettes with Lavender-Tulsi Honey. Make your own Anti-Anxiety Herbal Tea blend with lemon balm, lavender, and rose hips.

Lavender’s benefits cover such a wide range of uses that it’s deserving of a place in our every day lives. Even if you’re one of those who think it tastes like soap, I hope the information here will convince you to give it another try.

Science has proven over and over again that lavender can not only be an effective treatment for many different conditions, but that it’s often a much safer one. There are so many ways to reap the rewards of this incredible plant medicine!

DISCLAIMER: The information given in this article is intended for educational purposes only and is not meant to treat, diagnose, or prescribe intervention. Always consult with your healthcare practitioner before consuming certain herbs & medicinal foods, especially if pregnant, nursing, or taking any prescription medications.

https://www.botanyculture.com/health-benefits-of-lavender/

[anxiety-and-witchcraft]

Hot take no. 2 / life advice: essential oils work as amateur medicine as long as you get the nice stuff.

I know this from experience because my mum has a whole cabinet of essential oils which she mainly uses for soap making, but also makes roll-ons for me and my siblings whenever we’re feeling a bit ill, but not ill enough for proper medicine. I know a lot of people say that oils are just for superstitious anti-vaxing entitled mums, but just no. Firstly, my mum is not an entitled anti-vaxer. Secondly, notice I said amateur medicine, like for a stuffy nose or a bout of nausea, or just for when you’re in a bad mood. Even the smell of my favourite ones (I’m partial to the smell of citrus and flower oils, eg. wild orange, lemon or lavender) in enough to make me feel good. I’m not saying that modern medicine isn’t good, because it’s really great, but the natural stuff humans had been using for thousands of years before modern medicine came about is still valid too. I’m going to go ahead and explain what a few of the more common ones are good for, to make sure that if you are going to take my advice and buy some of the nice, usually more expensive (seriously, in this case, cheap = bad quality. I suggest buying from the DoTERRA company) oils, your money is well spent.

Lavender: This is quite a soothing oil, good for bruises, and also smells really good.

Peppermint: cooling, great for rolling on the back of your neck if you have nausea or on a hot day, you could also put it in tea.

Wild orange: Uplifting, can encourage contentness, but it’s also good if you have a mouth ulcer.

Lemongrass: This is better for cleaning. Put a few drops onto some kitchen roll, it may help you clean off that irritating sticky residue from barcode stickers that don’t come off properly.

There are about a gazillion more useful essential oils, but that’s about as much as I can think of at the moment. Just, please at least think about my advice - it may be incredibly useful to you one day.

[theshy1sout]

Poppy’s extraordinary playlist

You know, it will be a bit longer chapter. I told myself to use three songs per chapter. It definitely won’t be a rule - sometimes there will be more songs than three, sometimes less. I planned this fanfic to be 20 chapters long, but I feel like it can change XD

I also lost my inspiration for writing on the final of this chapter... heh... I hope you won't burn this crap.

Enjoy.

_________________________

Chapter 3

- I'm glad you finally came back - Doctor said, looking at Poppy suggestively.

She tried to smile widely and look like she's really sorry.

- I made many decisions in the heat of the moment and I really regret most of it - Poppy said honestly. - I'm sorry...

- Ok, ok, I get it - Doctor interrupted her. - We really need to talk about the results of your research.

Poppy's smile dropped on the floor with a crash.

- It's not bad - She said and Poppy breathed a sigh of the relief. - You have a little embryo of the tumor in your brain. We can easily cut it in operation. No problem. You'll take some medicines after that for a month and You'll forget about the tumor.

The doctor almost smiled being happy for that easy way to problem-solution. But Poppy was really nervous about the operation. She gulped so loud thinking about it.

- Is it... Hurt? - Poppy asked shyly.

- No, we'll fall you asleep and desensitize you - She said dispassionately, doing something on her computer.

Poppy took a deep breath. She knew she shouldn't have run of her problems and she mustn't have delayed the operation. But she was really scared. She decided to ask Creek if he could company her.

And then she realized that she left Creek yesterday without a word of explanation and didn't see him for a long while. A really long while. She had to find him and apologize.

- So... - Poppy tried to calm herself down during asking this question. - How fast should I go to the operation?

The doctor looked at her thinking.

- Can you go today?

- Today?? - Poppy asked nervously.

- Yes, I think we can do it today evening or only next Saturday - She said splitting her hands. - The sooner the better I think.

Poppy took another big deep breath, preparing herself for this decision.

- Ok - She forced herself to say that. - Let's do it tonight.

The doctor smiled and wrote something on the computer.

- Should I... - Poppy was afraid of answer on this question. - Should I stay in the hospital till the operation?

- No, I think it's not necessary - Doctor said and Poppy was relieved once again. - You have to come here two hours before, we have to prepare you for the operation, but until that you can leave the hospital. You can also bring with you some company to make your spirit up before cutting the tumor.

Poppy was really uplifted. She put her hand on her heart feeling big relief.

- Thank you so much - She said gratefulness.

- Eh, just leave my cabinet right now. There are so many patients sitting on the hall - She answered still looking at the computer and waving a hand toward Poppy.

Poppy laughed and thanked once again leaving the cabinet. She had to find Creek until the operation, but first, she wanted to visit her dad. From yesterday she felt like she wanted to visit him every day. They needed it.

She went into his room. Cause if he was retired King he got his own hospital room, but it made him more lonely. Poppy didn't want to tell the whole Village that their lovely King Peppy was dying in the hospital but maybe if she'd do, he would be less forlorn. Trolls would want to visit him every day, so... Why not? But it'd make him more tired, maybe he really needed rest right now.

Poppy decided to ask him.

- Hi, dad - She greeted him with a tender smile and hugged him as tight as she could.

- Hello, sweetie - Peppy said smiling widely. - How's you going?

- Em, daddy... I've got a tumor too - Poppy said nervously.

Peppy's smile melted.

- No no no, but it's ok - She tried to comfort him. - I have an operation tonight. It's the only embryo so they'll cut it off easily. Don't worry about me. I’m only a bit nervous... about the operation - She added, rubbing her arm.

- Hey, you are the bravest woman in the village - Peppy said squeezing her hang and smiling comfortably. - It will be ok.

Poppy smiled at him a bit sadly.

- There’s something more in your mind - Peppy said trying to catch her look.

- I’m just thinking about... - She hesitated a bit. - Should I tell trolls that you’re in the hospital? Maybe they would visit you and you wouldn’t be so alone.

Peppy stared at her narrowly.

- You know I don’t need it - He answered after a while. - I like peace and silence.

- Are you sure? - She asked uncertainly.

He answered something, but she didn’t hear it. She felt like room filled by slow music. Poppy looked around and then came back her look to her daddy. He started singing:

Say what's on your mind 'Cause I can't read you now My hands can't figure out How to hold you like they don't know you 

She felt as he held her hand a bit tighter. She couldn’t hold his sight. She looked down feeling guilty for some reason.

Wanna dream crazy dreams, be a team like we used to Share a drink, sleeping bag, anything like we used to Wish I could share all doubts with you like I used to, like I used to do

- Okay, there is something on my mind! - Poppy interrupted him sharply, closing her eyes so tight.

Peppy blinked like he didn’t expect she could react that suddenly.

- But please don’t think I’m crazy - She went on. - Perhaps... I am crazy... Dad, I’m... I’m hearing trolls thoughts - Poppy finally looked into his eyes. - I hear them singing their thoughts. To me. Out loud. Trolls sing to me their thoughts. - She gulped. - I feel like a nut.

Peppy stared at her shocked. She hoped he didn’t get her as she was joking. She found her eyes wet as she thought it would be possible. She stayed silent on the edge of her seat.

- I heard the doctor singing a depressing song - She continued trembling. - I heard the whole village singing to me about they need help. My best friend sang that she’s blue and then... I argued with her. - She looked down ones again. - And this gray troll in the forest... Named Branch... - She rubbed her eyes. - Have you ever heard about him?

- Yes - Peppy said, calmly. - I have a memory of him from our escaping from BergensTown. He was the saddest kid I’ve ever met. He wasn’t happy about freedom, he didn’t dance, didn’t sing, didn’t...

- I’ve already heard him singing - Poppy interrupted him once again. - Even twice. And I talked with him. He advised me that maybe you’re the only person who can help me.

Peppy was silent, staring at some point on the blanket and thinking.

- And then, I mean, like minutes ago, I heard you singing - She was finishing the story, feeling a bit better as she saw dad listening to her without interrupting. - You sang about that you couldn’t read my mind like you used to. And it was because I haven’t told you about those things until now.

- I don’t really know what to say to you - He said after a while of silence. - How long is it happening?

- From the MRI - Poppy answered. - I didn’t want to talk about it with anybody, especially the doctor, because it sounds really ridiculous.

- Yes, it does - He agreed with a worried tone. - And... How does it make you feel?

- Firstly, I was terrified and confused - Poppy said. - But then I thought that I could help trolls with that sort of... power. But then again, it’s so overwhelming - She took a deep breath. - I have to hide it so it makes me feel affected and... alone. The good side of it is I don’t feel physically any difference - She tried to joke, but her smile was just crooked.

- You can tell me about anything if it makes you feel better - Peppy said concerned, holding her hand as tight as he could. She felt it and smiled more nervelessly.

- Thanks, Dad - She said, sighing calmly. - To be honest, It makes me feel much better.

Peppy smiled back. He lifted up his other hand.

- Come here - He said and she got down to hug him tightly. - I love you, sweetie

- I love you, Dad - Poppy whispered, hiding nose into his arms.

- I wish I could be with you anytime you need help - He added sadly. She smiled wider as she heard that. But he pushed her away and looked at her seriously. - I was scared to talk to you about it finding this topic really embarrassed, but now I see that I can’t delay a talk about it with you.

Poppy looked at him curiously, feeling his stronghold her arms.

- Poppy, you can’t be alone as a queen, and especially now, when you have this overwhelming power - He spoke really seriously. - I know you’ve got a friend, many of them, but I know you and I know what means to be a leader so I think... I think you need a one really close and trustworthy person in your life, who will company you anywhere you’ll go. Someone who would die for you or our kingdom. You need a King.

Poppy smiled as she heard that word.

- I’ve already got Creek - She answered without hesitation.

Peppy gulped, his holding on her arms tightened.

- That’s why I was scared to talk and with you - He said, looking down. - Poppy... I feel like Creek isn’t that person...

- What - She stood up really shocked. - Why do you think that?

- Poppy...

- He’s a lovely man and caring boyfriend, why he could be wrong?

- Poppy, listen...

- But, why could he fail me? He IS trustful and loyal and

- Poppy! 

She finally fell silent.

- Calm down - Peppy said softly. - Come here - He added giving her his hand.

Poppy came to him with a little hesitation. She let him hold her hand one again.

- Look at me, sweetie - He tried to comfort her. He spoke so slowly - It’s only your decision and it’s only my feels. I am not infallible, yes?

- Yes - She said still a bit outraged.

- I just want you to know it’s really important. Not only for you but for our kingdom too. Am I right?

Poppy sighed heavily.

- Yes

- I want you just to think about it. Make yourself certain. Could I ask you about it?

She took a deep breath again before answer.

- Yes, dad...

- I’m sorry if I make you upset - He finished.

- It’s okay - She said, putting a hand on her forehead and closing her eyes slowly recover. - I’m sorry that I zoomed out.

Peppy smiled at her affectionately.

- It’s a week filled by emotions, am I right?

Poppy chuckled suddenly feeling really tired.

- Yea, It is

- Go rest, you have operation tonight - He reminded her.

- Oh. Yes... Operation - Poppy felt exhausted. Dad was right, she really needed some rest before it. She smiled at him gratefulness thinking how much he cared about her. She got down and hugged him once again before saying goodbye and leaving the room.

Now she felt like she really needed to find Creek and talk with him. Maybe she could just go to her pod with him and rest, it would be nice too.

She went outside the hospital and felt fresh air. She took a one deep breath till she started walking around to find her boyfriend. She wasn’t thinking, just walking onward, feeling emotionally tired. Trolls were greeting her, but she couldn’t force herself to more than only slightly nodding. She wasn’t in the mood to smile at all. But she told herself that she wasn’t sad or blue like Suki, she was just weary. Not more than that. Just weary.

When she finally found Creek, she felt like her mouth formed in the mildly smile.

- Hi, honey - Creek said, kissing her on her cheek. - I didn’t see ya for a while. Are you okay? You look really tired.

- Yea, I’m fine - Poppy sighed, hugging him. - I’m just... Thinking too much... Feeling too much...

Creek put his chin on the top of her head, hugging her back.

- And how is your dad? 

- Good... - She answered, but this question reminded her of the talk with her dad. She sighed heavily and pushed Creek away, but only a bit. - Creek? - She asked grudgingly.

He smiled at her calmly.

- Yes, sweetie?

- Can I ask you a question?

Creek looked at her worriedly.

- I was just thinking... - She started, looking down. - If I’m... dying in the hospital like my dad, would you...

- Shh - He put his finger on her lips. And then he started slowly and calmly: - Stop thinking like that. You’re not dying, even better, your father isn’t dying right now. - He smiled at her so sweetly, moving a strand of hair from her eyes. - You just worry too much right now.

Poppy sighed tiredly once again.

- Maybe you’re right... - She looked at him, smiling back. - You’re right.

He smiled a bit wider and then she heard music started playing. She frowned. “Creek will be singing? - she thought. - Maybe something like “don’t worry, be happy” or some sweetie love song. That would be nice!” But music sounded a bit unsettlingly. Creek stepped back from her and sang:

I put a spell on you

Poppy blinked. She didn’t expect those words.

Because you're mine.

Words echoed through her head when she looked at his ambiguous sight.

You better stop the things you do. I tell you, I ain't lyin', I ain’t lyin’. No.

- Creek? - She tried to stop him, this song was unbearable. But he didn’t react, he came closer making her feeling uncomfortable for some reason. She gulped.

You know I can't stand you're foolin' around. I don't care if you don't want me. 'Cause I'm yours, yours, yours anyhow.

It was super weird! Poppy didn’t know what to say or do. She wanted just escape from him singing. And then she heard another song, a bit muffed by Creek’s. She pushed him away from her and looked around to find Suki.

I put spell on You

She ran through her without thinking. She just didn’t want to hear Creek even one second more

I put spell on you....

When she left him alone, she felt like she ran  squarely into another song. Much more depressed, much more overwhelming. Poppy slowed down to hear what Suki was singing.

I walk a lonely road The only one that I have ever known Don't know where it goes But it's only me, and I walk alone

It didn’t feel right, but Poppy joined Suki and started walking by her side and listen to her sad song, trying not to turn around to look at Creek.

I walk this empty street On the boulevard of broken dreams Where the city sleeps And I'm the only one, and I walk alone

I walk alone, I walk alone I walk alone and I walk a

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me Till then I walk alone

DJ Suki fell silent. They walked in silence for a while. But Poppy just couldn’t stand seeing her best friend sad.

- Suki...

Suki jumped, screaming. She covered her head by her arms.

- What?? You?? Here?? How! - DJ was really shocked. Poppy just forgot that when she heard someone’s singing, they didn’t know about it. It was embarrassing...

- Sorry! I didn’t want to scare you! - Poppy showed her open hands in the calming gesture.

They both froze like that. And then they started chuckling awkwardly, seeing each other’s face.

- You really terrified me, Pops! - DJ smiled, but not so widely. 

Poppy giggled briefly rubbing her neck.

- Suki, I... - She tried to start, but the DJ interrupted her.

- Yea, I know. You apologize for yesterday - Suki waved one hand.

- No, Suki! - Poppy tried to be serious. - I really need to talk with you.

Suki sighed briefly.

- I agree that I don’t spend time with you like I used to - Poppy confessed. - ... Because of Creek. And I’m not that good friend like I thought about myself. There were many things in my life, that changed in the last time and... I lost them. But now I’m sorry. If you forgive me, I promise that I never leave you alone anymore - She held her elbow shyly. smiling. - Can you give me a chance to upturn?

Suki smiled dorkly at her. She rolled her eyes.

- Of course, your Silver Tongue  - She said, bowing for a giggle. Poppy laughed. And their hugtimers lighted on. They both laughed and hugged each other.

- I missed you so much, Pops - Suki said. holding her really tightly.

- You’ll burke me! - Poppy shouted, chuckling. They pushed themselves away. - You know, I also miss Snack Pack. You think we can meet them?

Suki’s smile faded.

- Like.. right now?

- Yes! - Poppy beamed excitedly.

- Oh... You see... - Suki looked down. - I don’t know if there is Snack Pack...

Poppy straightened up and flew right.

- What?

- You see.. - Suki started grudgingly. - When you stopped going to our meetings...Guy Diamond started be busy... Satin and Chenille too... And also I stopped going to the meetings...

- But why??

- I dunno... I just didn’t feel like I wanted to... - Suki twisted her face.

- Well, then... We have to meet tomorrow! - Poppy ordered.

- ....you’ll come to the Snack Pack meeting?

- Oh, yes, I will! - Poppy threw her hands up.

- Oh, gosh... So will I - Suki laughed. But Poppy got a little serious once again.

- Suki... There is one more thing you have to know...

- What’s that? - She asked curiously.

- I’m having an operation tonight... Could you... come there with me? - She asked shyly.

Suki was shocked. She just stood in awe.

- Why are you having an operation? - Suki finally asked.

- You know... - Poppy looked down. She realized that she didn’t tell her anything at all. -  Wanna walk?

_________________________________________________________

I have to mention that sometimes I change the lyrics of songs a bit. But just a bit.

And also thank you @livinginithilien-blog once again for editing this crap.

King Peppy - Used to

Creek - I put a spell on you

Suki -  Boulevard Of Broken Dreams

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[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #273

ew, wtf is this new /tagged formatting???? ugh.

What is something you dislike about the dating world? I haven't dated around enough to have first-hand experience, really. But from an outside view, people don't seem all that interested in serious commitment. Don't fwm if you aren't into the idea of working towards a whole lifetime together. What gives you confidence? Bitch nothing lmao. Have you ever dated someone with very different sexual tastes than you? No. What is the most meaningful gift you’ve ever given? Both Jason and Sara got a huge list of reasons I love them for certain relationship "milestones," both which really did take a long time because there were loads. I did it with each because I really did feel like it was a very personal, uplifting, and full-of-adoration gift, not just for the sake of recycling an idea because I had no others. I have a shitload of romantic ideas, ngl man. Do you feel as though someone ‘won’ in your last break up? Neither of us "won" or "lost," really. It was a mutual agreement that now just isn't the time for a relationship between us. Whatever happened to the first person you ever loved? Sometimes I'm scared to know. Do you still shop at the same stores you liked when you were a teenager? Yeah. Thankfully Hot Topic became more accessible to plus-size people. Is there anyone significantly older than you that you would date? No. I won't go over like... nine years. Even eight it pushing it. Please share your embarrassing and weird celeb crushes. Post pictures. What do you like about them? I don't have any "embarrassing" or "weird" ones. What is something your partner does that is unattractive to you? N/A What is something that would have made the show better/you would have liked to see happen on one of your favorite series? I honestly wish Weed in Ginga Densetsu Weed was more realistic and realized Hougen was worth killing himself. The lightning seemed cheap and anti-climactic. He had EVERY reason to kill him, and it sounds weird to consider killing as a form of growth, but I feel like it would've been. Maybe that's just a personal thing, believing killing is sometimes justified, but it actually annoyed me. Nevertheless, fucking fantastic show. How do you feel about celebrities that are silent about political or human rights issues? Do you think celebrities should use their platform to speak out? I have... mixed feelings. I think most of me says to use their prominence for good, to be a loud voice to look up to and bring greater attention to issues, but at the same time, some people just like/feel safer being non-political. When you were a kid, what child characters did you admire or relate to most? BINDI IRWIN!!!!!!!!!! I still follow and fucking adore her. Y'all she recently got married and she is just so beautiful and so happy and the Irwins are just genuinely angels on this earth. Tell me about a time that you were bored in a relationship (can be romantic or friendship). What was it about them/the situation that bored you? I've never been romantically bored, and not really with a friendship, either. Sure, I've been bored in another's presence, but it was never a consistent issue. Who’s your favorite Tiktoker? I have never even touched it. How high or low is the barrier to entry in your field or desired field? It's tough, but not that high. More than anything, photography depends on who you know to help get you out there, sadly. It's luck, too. There is most certainly skill involved, but yeah... building your brand up to stand out with only your own hands is ridiculously hard. But that's really any small business/self-employed position. Where would you look if you were looking for a job (e.g., indeed.com, company websites, asking a friend…)? I've pretty much always used Indeed, or I hear from family/friends. How much lower than your ideal salary would you take? What would the job have to entail for you to take a less than ideal wage? Hi, I live in America, where the government doesn't give a fuck if you can support yourself on minimum wage or not. :^) But anyway, this is a difficult question to answer with how little experience I have. I can say, however, that I will fucking not work to just barely scrape by with minimum wage. If I'm going to bust my ass, it's gonna be fucking worth it. Even if you were able to support yourself/your own family, would there ever be a situation in which you would choose to live in a shared house with another family or individual, be it your parents or a sibling’s family, or some other housemate? Sure, I wouldn't mind. Especially family. Do bridges make you nervous? To a degree. Are there any movies that you find so dumb, you find funny? Napoleon Dynamite, of course. How often do you vacation? Pretty much never ever. Do you think it’s cruel to leave a live fish to die in an ice box? I am genuinely concerned for you if you say no to this. Have you ever done anything sexual with someone of the same sex? Yes. Have you ever pawned anything off at a pawn shop? No. Do you have stomach abs? OH, HUNNY- Do you know anyone who is trying to physically impersonate a celebrity? No. Have you ever seen a shuttle launch? I mean, on TV, but even then I didn't seriously watch it. Are we having signs of the apocalypse? I don't believe in the "apocalypse." We're going to fall through natural methods. We're definitely heading deeper into destruction in some ways, though, by our own hands. I'm quite sure humans themselves will be the end of humanity. Would you rather see The Blue Man Group or Fear Factor live? BLUE MAN GROUP!!! They're dooooope. Do you have any exciting plans for this upcoming weekend? No. I'm staying in the goddamn house like we're fucking supposed to. What color of colored contacts would you like to have? To wear regularly? Sapphire blue. Ohhh, maybe one that, and the other icy blue. What’s on your bedside table? It's more a shelf than a table, so I have quite a bit. My medicine basket, fan, a drink, books, sketchbook, some other miscellaneous things. What’s on your bed? A bedsheet, comforter, two pillows, and me, ha ha. Your floor besides furniture? Nothing. Your dresser? All my meerkat stuffed animals, plus some others. The top shelf in your closet? Ha, good question. Are there any dead stuffed animals in your house? No. What’s the best prize you’ve won on an amusement park/carnival game? *shrug* Have you ever done anything sexual in a school? No, I was a good noodle. Have you ever been indoor skydiving? No. Would you have any interest in going on a cruise? Not really. What did you have for dinner last night? I made some hot wings. What's your ideal indoor temperature? High 60s, ig. It’s hard to really tell because my room is always the hottest in the house and I have a fan on me, so I don’t really feel the “normal” temperature most of the time. Does your kitchen have a theme? No. What's the grossest thing u have found in your food? Probably nothing worse than a hair or something, idk. Are you a flip flop lover? I am NOTORIOUS for wearing flipflops absolutely year-round. A little bit of snow on the ground? I’m wearing my gd flipflops because they’re just easy to slide on and I care about convenience probably too much lmao. What namebrand dishwashing liquid do u use? … Dawn, I think? I don’t really pay attention. Do you like ice cream sandwiches? UGH yesssssssssss hunty. Do you prefer hard or soft shell tacos? I hate tacos, but I’d definitely rather have a soft shell than hard. Ever worn a flower in your hair? Maybe as a kid? Name five random things in your kitchen? Nothing abnormal, really… no, wait. You know those sticky cylinder things that flies are attracted to and die a slow death for their brazen intrusion upon your property? We have one of those hanging up in there. Magnets and pictures on the fridge is considered pretty normal, right? Name four things in your fridge? Milk, apples, a bigass bag of pepperoni, and some cold water bottles because I strongly prefer cold water. Name two things in your meds cabinet? We’ve got a load… Different kinds of pain pills, things like Pepto, etc. Name six things in your family room? A couch, a reclining chair, the TV, Mom’s bed, loads of pictures on the walls, and uh… sidetables? Name three things in your bedroom? My snake, my bed, and my dresser. Name three things in your yard? A bird feeder that squirrels like to steal from, a random fucking dolphin statue thingy that deadass looks like a distorted dick (it’s been here since we got here, idfk), and two sheds. Name two things in your bathroom? Our bathroom is tiiiny, so very normal stuff. Y’know, a toilet and sink. What health problems do you have? A lot that I don’t feel like thinking through. Fave name brand of water? Essentia. Do you have a trampoline? Not since I was a teenager. The last time you were in the fridge, what were you looking for? Jam to make a pb&j. Do you like clowns? No opinion. Are you listening to anything at the moment? Surprisingly nothing, but Halocene’s cover of “My Immortal” is seeeeeriously jammed in my head. Do you twitch when your falling asleep? YES. They’re more like muscle spasms. Are your dishes in the dishwasher clean or dirty? We don’t have one; we have to wash by hand. Buuut that house we’re moving into has one! :’) When is the last time you were on a bicycle? Not since I was a teenager. I used to love love loooove to ride my bike after school. What have you eaten today? Special K cereal and aforementioned sandwich. Do you own a strapless bra? Fuckin Y I K E S that would not work w/ my size lmfao. Does the person you like know it? Ye. Did anything brighten up your day today? Our lawn FINALLY got mowed and the bushes trimmed. We had to tidy it up before we can move. It looked like a jungle, deadass serious. Do you ever wonder how other people see you? Only all the time. What is one good thing you're known for? I write well. How about one bad thing? I’m very dependent. When was the last time you sang an ENTIRE song? Wow, no clue. I rarely sing, never mind an entire song. What is one thing that is currently bothering you? Actually my stomach kinda hurts. What did you do today? Wander around the Internet looking for something to even mildly entertain me, play World of Warcraft for a very brief period since I’m going through a bored phase of it, read for a bit, showered… not a lot, but later today we’re celebrating my mom’s birthday early, actually. Do you consider yourself to be attractive? No. I think my dimples are kinda cute, but that’s it. Do you regret going out with the last person you did? Not at all. Do you realize it when you curse? It’s so normal in my vocabulary that generally, no. I’m very mindful around kids, though. I still remember the first time I said “fuck” in my mom’s presence without realizing it and she just like f r o z e. Have you ever been extremely tired but refused to go to sleep? Yeah, for various reasons. That is veeeeery rare nowadays, though, partially because I’m so fucking bored that I’m just happy to close the day. What's the longest amount of time you've been stuck in traffic? An hour or so is my guess while traveling. I don’t recall any specific instances. Best field trip experience? We went to the zoo!!!! It was the one and only time thus far that I’ve seen meerkats irl. What is the most amount of money you've spent on a meal before? I’ve never really been able to buy my own meal, never mind something expensive. What museums have you visited, if any? Just local ones centered around art or science, generally. What's your worst traveling experience? Idk. Sims 1, 2, or 3? Why? Never played. Not my kinda game. What area of math are you best at? Worst? lol I suck at them all. How do you feel when you meet someone with the same music taste as you? It’s exciting! Do you believe in luck? Why or why not? No, because I don’t believe in any “magical” influence over events that occur. Shit just happens, sometimes to good people, sometimes to bad people, and everything in-between. How often do you "half-ass" things (put little effort in)? IIII tend to do that a lot.. Do you ever feel self-conscious when you eat around other people? Not really. Have you ever missed a meeting/event that was required/necessary? You could say so, but it turned out fine that I missed it anyway. What's something that makes you incredibly nervous? Talking to people I don’t know or being alone with a man. If you don't have glasses, how would you feel if you had to get them? N/A If you do have glasses, how would you feel if you didn't need them anymore? I’d be fuckin’ stoked, I could get my undereye dermal without it looking stupid. How many vegetarians do you know? I’m not sure. Have you ever considered going to art school? Does Photography count? I majored in that. Otherwise, no. Have you ever had problems falling asleep in class? No, I was always very attentive in class. Are your parents supportive of you? Very.

[rusty-guitar-strings]

They Were Roommates (Human AU)

Summary: Remy can’t sleep, per usual. Insomnia perks. He also has no idea how to work through his feelings. Luckily, his roommate is willing to help with both of those things.

Rating: G

Pairing(s): Remile (Remy/Sleep x Emile Picani)

Word count: 2200

Warnings: mentions of pain, slight anxiety attack maybe?, a dude with his shirt off but nothing happens

——————————————————

3:19 AM. What a time to be alive.

Remy Dox was not fond of insomnia, nor was he fond of late nights, nor was he fond of unexplainable pain. But, as he had learned, life had a certain way of doing whatever it wanted. In Remy’s case, that meant cramming all of his literal least favorite things into a singular human being: himself. It was delightful, carrying painkillers everywhere and having almost half of the medicine cabinet dedicated solely to melatonin supplements. Really, he pitied his roommate more than himself, because while Remy had to deal with his issues, Emile had to deal with Remy dealing with his issues. The poor man did all he could and more, but not much could be done besides waiting out the pain or sleeping it off, the latter of which rarely happened. A sleep-deprived, pain-wracked diva wasn’t always the best thing to wake up to. 

Remy considered himself lucky, really. He didn’t have it as bad as some people. He could usually push through, and it didn’t hurt all of the time. Just most of the time. Admittedly, that wasn’t much better, but it was the attempt at positivity that counted. He found himself slowly turning into one of Emile’s uplifting Instagram posts. ‘Thinking positive is the first step to being happy!’

Staring blankly at the ceiling, sunglasses discarded on the nightstand, he decided to attempt his roommate’s method. Think positive. I’m positive this is the worst my shoulder and back have ever been. I’m positive I’ll get no sleep tonight. I’m positive Emile is going to make me stay home from work tomorrow. I’m positive- Remy suddenly winced and let out a low, muffled groan as the dull ache in his shoulder increased. He rolled onto his side, but the position hurt his shoulder still. He tried the other side, which made his back pain worse. He growled, frustration only increasing as he tossed and turned. Finally, he twisted onto his stomach and buried his face into his pillow and screamed as quietly as he could manage. He stayed that way for a while, shuddering and and having issues breathing. That was probably due to the pillow Remy was currently trying to suffocate himself with. He actually registered that the pillow was wet before he realized his eyes were watering and pulled back in alarm. It’s not even that bad! Why am I crying? He whined in frustration and rolled onto his back again, rubbing his eyes harshly and sniffing. Eventually he ended up on his side again in a tight ball as the pain increased tenfold. Did anyone say that anymore? Tenfold?

A light knock on the door startled Remy out of his thoughts and awakened his mind to the pain again, which wasn’t much appreciated. But given who it most likely was, he couldn’t be truly upset. Sure enough, the door was nudged open a sliver, and the tea-fanatic could almost make out the brown eyes peering through. “Rem?” A soft voice murmured from the door. “Are you still awake?”

“As always, hun.” Remy winked tiredly at the door, still flirty as ever when sleepless. Emile hypothesized that the lack of sleep only added to his brassy personality, and he and Logan stewed over this theory several times a day. “What brings you to my humble abode?”

“We live in the same house, Remy,” Emile reminded him gently, pushing the door open further to step inside. “And I could hear you tossing and turning from my room.”

“Did I wake you?” The shorter man sat up, genuinely a little worried. “I was trying to be quiet in my suffering.” This pulled a giggle from Emile, who made his way over to sit on the bed’s edge.

“It doesn’t matter if you woke me up or not, I want to help you.” He looked back over his shoulder at Remy, lacking in glasses for once, and the diva found it difficult to look away. “Is there anything you need? Is it sleeping troubles again?”

“What else would it be?” Remy rested his chin in his hands, making a sour face at the pain it caused. You’d think he’d be used to it by now. But alas, as Roman would say, it was not so.

“That,” Picani pointed out, tone low. Even at the current, blasphemously early time, his eyes were bright and shining with worry. “Did you hurt yourself? You look like you’ve been crying.”

“A little,” Remy admitted quietly, though it wasn’t even specified which statement he was responding to. He found himself tearing up a little bit at even just being reminded of crying. That was one thing about Remy. Once he’d already broken down, almost anything could set it off again. He studied the stitches of his blanket in painful, awkward silence, chest tight. It was like the air in the room suddenly thickened and refused to enter his lungs, or his mouth grew smaller or something. Inhaling was like trying to drink in oxygen through a straw.

“Steady, Rem. I need you to breathe slowly. You’re okay, everything’s fine.” Gentle hands rested on Remy’s shoulders, guiding him in a breathing pattern he knew almost by heart. Breathe in for four seconds. Hold your breath for seven seconds. Breathe out for eight seconds. He could hear Picani echoing the words faintly. Four, seven, eight. Four, seven, eight. To think something to small could be such a big issue for some people. They couldn’t breathe normally and sometimes couldn’t breathe without help. Remy was lucky, really. “Focus,” Emile murmured. “Four... seven... eight. There you go, you’re doing fine.” Personally, Remy thought he was doing fabulously, but he supposed that was a matter of opinion. Four, seven, eight. Four, seven, eight. After a few more minutes, he was able to breathe correctly without thinking too much about it. “How are you feeling?” His roommate squeezed his shoulders just a little, but it was enough to make Remy flinch. Emile removed one hand to gently tilt the smaller’s chin upward. “Look at me,” he urged softly.

“That’s not difficult, sweetheart,” Remy whispered with a small smirk, rolling his free shoulder and shuddering at the ache. Emile smiled a little bit, letting go of his roommate’s jaw to push back some of the hair falling in his eyes.

“What hurts?” He asked softly.

“My heart.”

Picani giggled. “I’m trying to be serious, Rem!”

“If you’re Sirius, does that make me Remus?”

Emile let out a little snort in his laughter and Remy felt the heat rise in his face. He struggled to keep on the smug look. After a moment, his friend managed to compose himself. “Really, Remy. Please talk to me. I can tell something’s hurting you, and I just want to help.”

There was a brief moment of silence in which Remy considered attempting to lie and play everything off as just exhaustion. His gaze lowered to the blanket again. “...my back,” he explained quietly, for once admitting defeat. It felt strange and blank to be open with someone, but oddly... refreshing. “I get pain in my back and shoulders a lot, maybe from work I guess? It’s kinda in the upper back and right shoulder at the moment but it varies from day to day. It doesn’t always bother me but it’s pretty frequent. It’s not that bad though, just kind of an ache.” Remy shut his mouth and wiped his face, mustering a shaky laugh. “I’m talking a lot. Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, I’m glad you told me.” Emile looked worried, pulling away from Remy. “Was I hurting you earlier? Is that why you were flinching?”

“Just a little. It wasn’t bad, I promise.” He smiled tiredly. “Sorry for keeping you up with me, girl. I know it’s not any fun.”

“I’m here to help, Remy. I think getting to be with you is pretty fun in itself.” Emile smiled in return, the Picani-smile that crinkled the corners of his eyes and lit up his entire face and definitely didn’t make Remy swoon. Not one bit. He shivered a little and smirked.

“I’m flattered, Picani.”

“Are you cold?” The smile faded into a worried, pout-like frown that was equally as cute.

“Are you offering to cuddle with me, sugar?” Remy grinned smugly.

“If you want me to!” His roommate looked suddenly excited, and Remy was a little stunned.

Oh. Well, okay. This could work.

Remy laid down on his side, stiffening a little when he felt the bed shift beneath him. Light hands roamed his back, thumbs settling to press lightly between his shoulder blades as Emile’s palms and fingers worked the tension from his shoulders. Caught by surprise, Remy flushed again to the point where he thought he might pass out. It didn’t help when Emile asked him to take his shirt off. “Heyy...moving a little fast now, aren’t we, hun?” Remy laughed nervously.

“Oh, hush. You can say no. I just want to be able to rub your back better.” Picani moved backward a little to give his roommate space.

“Really? Because it seems to me like you just want to get me out of my shirt.” Remy laughed.

“No, that’s just a plus.”

There were a few long seconds of silence before Remy heard a muffled whine from behind him. “Oh my gosh why did I say that?!”

Choking back a laugh, Remy rolled over and took his roommate’s hands gently. “Em, hey, hey, it’s fine! That was really smooth, I just didn’t expect that from you.”

Emile, bless his soul, had the most adorable flush across his face and looked like he wished he could sink into the bed and never come back up. “It slipped out.”

“I don’t mind it, sweetheart, I promise.” He let go of Emile’s hands to shimmy out of his shirt, but got stuck halfway. “Ow.”

There was a little snicker from in front of him. “Do you need some help, Rem?”

“Please.” The shirt was tugged off carefully and Remy was met with the sight of his grinning friend. He managed an awkward smile. “Thanks.” Then he rolled over quickly to try and avoid any more awkwardness. He shivered a little as Emile’s fingers ghosted lightly across his skin before settling again and working into his strained muscles. He couldn’t keep back the relieved sigh, eyelids drooping.

“Is this good?” Remy could hear the smile in Emile’s voice, and it made him smile a little as well.

“ ‘s great, love. Thanks.” He hummed and closed his eyes, just realizing how sore they were. He felt a hand brushing through his hair just before he finally, finally drifted off to sleep.

•*•

Remy was startled awake later in the morning by a face pressed into the back of his neck and arms looped around his waist, and he had a few moments of panic before he remembered the events of the previous night. He felt remarkably more rested than he ever recalled being before. “Em?” He murmured, shifting a little bit. “Emile, hun, lemme go, I need to get to work.”

The grip on his waist tightened, and that was when Remy realized his roommate was, in fact, not asleep. He knew exactly what he was doing. “Stay here,” he urged softly.

“I need to go to work, though believe me, I’d be more than happy to stay with you.” Remy squirmed in his friend’s grasp. “Come on, sugarplum...”

“Please..?” Picani pressed further, hugging Remy close. He was much stronger than most people gave him credit for. “I’ll make you tea...”

“I can get tea at work though,” the diva excused, persisting in his struggle.

“Maybe, but it’s not my tea.” Emile yawned, breath brushing his roommate’s neck and making him shudder. “And it’s more expensive. And you’ll have to leave.”

Remy froze. “You make a valid argument.” He paused, thinking for a moment. “Green tea?”

“With a smackeral of honey,” Emile agreed, smiling a little.

“Sold.”

Picani giggled and let go. “Perfect! I already called to let your boss know you wouldn’t be coming in, and my only client today had to reschedule.”

“So you were planning this all along?”

“Pretty much.” Emile slid out of the bed and came around to Remy’s side, giving him a wink. Remy sat up slightly, smirking at the gesture.

“I think I’m beginning to rub off on you, hun.” He snickered, and his friend smiled.

“A little bit,” he agreed cheerily. “But I don’t think I mind.” He bent down a little and brushed Remy’s hair back to press a soft, brief kiss to his forehead. He scampered out of the room, leaving a flustered and gaping Remy in his wake. “Be back with your tea in a jiffy!”

Remy stared out the door his roommate had left through, struggling to process what had just happened. Oh. That was certainly something. I don’t think I’d mind it happening again. The voice in the back of his head was screaming with joy, and he decided he definitely, definitely wanted to do that again.

Perhaps Remy would have to refer to Emile as more than just his roommate.

[96thdayofrage]

In their ACLU report, “Cracks in the System: Twenty Years of the Unjust Federal Crack Cocaine Law,” Deborah J. Vagins and Jesselyn McCurdy noted that The Anti-Drug Abuse Act of 1986:

…established mandatory minimum sentences for federal drug trafficking crimes and created a 100:1 sentencing disparity between powder and crack cocaine. The Act provided that individuals convicted of crimes involving 500 grams of powder cocaine or just 5 grams of crack(the weight of two pennies) were sentenced to at least 5 years imprisonment, without regard to any mitigating factors. The Act also provided that those individuals convicted of crimes involving 5000 grams of powder cocaine and 50 grams of crack (the weight of a candy bar) be sentenced to 10 years imprisonment.

Race was not explicitly written in the 1986 law. Otherwise, it would have been easier to combat it, such as in the Supreme Court case of Brown vs. Board of Education of Topeka.

Still, what makes this law racist? During the 1980s and 1990s, the United States experienced a rise in crack cocaine, which became widely associated with Black people, particularly in working poor urban communities. On the other hand, powder cocaine was associated with affluence and particularly, white people.

By heavily penalizing “crack” versus “powder cocaine” the federal laws targeted racial groups without naming it.

In their study, “Powder Cocaine and Crack Use in the United States: An Examination of Risk for Arrest and Socioeconomic Disparities in Use,” Palamar, Davies, and associates explained:

Compared to whites, racial minorities were at low risk for powder cocaine use, and Hispanics were at low risk for crack use. Blacks were at increased risk for lifetime and recent crack use in unconditional models, but this association was lost when controlling for all other socioeconomic variables. Therefore, it appears that blacks are in fact at higher risk for crack use and associated outcomes, but this may be driven by socioeconomic factors—suggesting that SES may be a fundamental cause of racial disparities in crack use. In the conditional models for lifetime use, higher educational attainment was associated with increased likelihood of powder cocaine use and decreased likelihood of crack use, and higher income was associated with decreased likelihood of crack use.

Despite socio-economic factors, for decades, Black people were tied to a narrative of crack cocaine and white people were linked to powder cocaine. In 2003, although over 66% of U.S. crack cocaine users were white or Latino, Black people made up more than 80% of the convictions under the federal crack cocaine laws (Vagins and McCurdy, 2006).

Structural racism in a colorblind nation looks like Black people serving as much time in prison for drug offenses (58.7 months) as white people convicted of violent offenses (61.7 months) (Vagins and McCurdy, 2006). The incarceration approach to the drug epidemic that was disproportionately enforced on African-Americans ruled the day until 2010, when President Obama changed the sentencing from 100:1 to 18:1.

Presently, as the nation deals with a drug epidemic that is not popularly associated with African-Americans, our government has miraculously seen the racial white light in their approach. Instead of criminalizing, targeting, and heavily penalizing people with opioid addictions with mandatory minimums, there has been a broader appeal to sympathy and treatment.

The narratives give a backstory where the people tend to come from “good” families who are victims of structures beyond their control—targeted by the “evil” large pharmaceutical corporations.

They receive reparations for their victimhood in the forms of taxpayer supported treatment and settlements against pharmaceutical companies.

Despite all of these changes and talk of treatment, Black people are still targeted with an incarceration approach.

Bad Black Mothers and Vulnerable White Girls

I recall a different narrative from the United States’ War on Drugs. I recall the media working over-time to dehumanize Black mothers and families crippled by drug dependency and the disproportionate over-policing and heavier penalties. The media helped shape a narrative to shame and justify the lack of empathy and investment in treatment/care.

Sensationalized media portrayals about Black mothers on crack given birth to a new generation of crack babies out of wedlock sought to reinforce stereotypes and controlling narratives of inherent cultural deficiency among African Americans.

Bad Black mothers and fathers who use and deal crack were a plague to society to be controlled and destroyed. One day, as I was watching television, I saw a commercial focusing on the opioid crisis about “Amy’s Story” from Truth Initiative. On their website, they share part of her story:

When Amy was 14, a knee injury on the soccer field put her in the hospital and resulted in a prescription for Vicodin. Over the next five years, she endured several surgeries on that knee and received a flood of opioid prescriptions.

In this vulnerable state, Amy developed an addiction to Vicodin. When her supply ran out, she took drastic measures to get more. She started relying on self-harm to secure prescriptions for opioids. She would cut herself and smash her injured knee. At age 18, she reached the peak of her desperation. In hopes of getting more pills, she intentionally crashed her car into a dumpster at over 40 miles per hour…

The framing of the story signals virtues by which Amy is worthy of treatment and care. Amy gets the benefit of being young and innocent that more easily happens for white youth compared to Latino and African-American youth. She played soccer, became injured, “endured” surgeries, and received a “flood” of highly addictive pain drugs in her “vulnerable” state. In other words, Amy was a “good kid” who was a victim to a system out of her control. She was not portrayed as a culturally deficient junkie from a broken home who needed to take responsibility and be locked away from society.

Was Amy heavily penalized for possible insurance fraud, reckless driving, and destroying property?

Where was the public service campaign featuring a 14-year-old African-American girl in the 1990s who turned to recreational drugs to numb her pain and stole property to generate money to buy more? She had to be responsible and not a victim.

Young African-American girls do not tend to get funded national media narratives about being “vulnerable” with a dominant narrative that inextricably connects Blackness with innocence, not until a social issue impacts white middle-affluent youth. The National Women’s Law Center found that Black girls in every state in the United States are more than twice as likely to be suspended from school than white girls, and it is not because they misbehave more.

Overall, Black girls are over 5.5 times more likely to be suspended from school ad 2.5 times more likely to be expelled without educational services than white girls.

To their credit, Truth Initiative shares stories of individuals from diverse backgrounds to show that opioid addiction can impact anyone. Also, they have committed to creating a culture where all youth and young adults live free of tobacco. According to their website, Truth Initiative’s “20 years of lifesaving work has prevented millions of young people from becoming smokers — including 2.5 million between 2015 and 2018 — and helped drive down the youth smoking rate from 23% in 2000 to 4.6% in 2018.”

Nevertheless, the stories selected seem to appeal to dominant White middle-affluent definitions of worthiness of empathy. For example, Truth Initiative features the story of Chris, who can be visually identified as Black and possibly male. He experimented with opioids as a teen, after discovering his mother’s prescription pills in her medicine cabinet.

Later, after being injured on a job, he became addicted. This narrative has more marketing appeal in a colorblind racist society, for one about an unemployed Black man doing drugs for the sake of fun becoming addicted will not bode as well.

Examples of other stories include diverse youth taking drugs to cope with the stresses of school and being an overachiever or developing an addiction after being prescribed opioid painkillers after an injury. These narratives make the opioid crisis something that is not inherently a white problem and justify the need to support a treatment (instead of a heavy-handed incarceration) approach to the epidemic.

By doing so, White middle and affluent class mothers are spared the over-sensationalized news reports of their poor parenting. White fathers are not deadbeats because their children become dependent.

They are victims just as much as their children.

These same kinds of humanizing stories about opioid dependency could have been promoted during the years of the crack cocaine epidemic.

White mothers are spared from being essentialized by the media as broken sources of our social ills. They do not have to deal with the stereotypes of being welfare queens who give birth to crack or heroin babies.

Within a white supremacist society, there is a wrongfully assumed moral superiority connected the white race that denigrates certain Women of Color and uplifts white women in times of crisis.

A greater attempt exists to show that the opioid addiction is not a reflection of white cultural deficiency and that such drug dependence is not the result of some inherent racial flaw.

It is a fact that countless Black and Latino folks have been saying for years. When drug dependency was explained away on the flawed basis of our supposed cultural and even biological inferiority, numbers of people across race pushed back against the narrative to little to no avail.

Silence about the resulting racial devastation that still occurs from the racist approaches to handling drug epidemics further exacerbates the long-standing problem. Any person and organization dedicated to drug dependency and treatment have to contend with the deeply entrenched racist realities of how empathy and sympathy have a clear racial hierarchy in the social imaginations of U.S. individuals and enforcement of laws.

Many people might believe that we sympathize and empathize the same across race. The sad reality is that a blond hair teenage white girl who plays soccer will garner more empathy (and financial support) than an African-American teenage girl who drove her car into a dumpster like Amy to get more drugs.

Consequently, the use of Black people’s stories of drug dependency within this current colorblind framing of drug epidemics helps to further manipulate the greater public into ignoring decades of the adverse effects of racist drug laws and practices involving African Americans.

Is it just to pretend none of it happened? Is it just to ignore the long-lasting impact—the generational consequences? Is it empathetic to ignore that due to our racist drug laws and practices, that approximately twenty years ago, the United States had more Black men in prison than in college?

It is unsympathetic and unempathetic to point out these truths?

No.

It is possible to empathize with individuals like Amy, Chris, and their families and simultaneously address and hold accountability the legalized oppression that has been long ignored and condoned by the much of society.

To put it bluntly, it is sleazy, uncaring, underhanded, and racist use empathy to turn this matter into choosing between either to focus on the opioid epidemic or the handling/residual impact of the crack epidemic. It is a low-down attempt to escape any accountability and is the same tired melody about how racism works in this country.

This matter is a “both/and” issue desperately begging for resolution.

Signs, Frames and Ibu-fu*%king-profen

I saw signs of the emerging opioid crisis and the changing language approaches to “drug epidemics.” Here and there, I noticed that even local law enforcement talked about the epidemic in different way-less war and criminalizing to a greater ethic of care. It was a change for the better, and yet it was not better.

When they discussed treatment approaches for one group, did they forget about the others they locked away after criminalizing their addiction?

Signs in the Suburbs

Years ago, I was in a southern city with my husband, waiting in line at a restaurant that was a local and tourist favorite. In front of us were a group of African-American women, all friends on a girls’ trip from another part of the state. As they laughed and talked, I slowly became part of the conversation.

Two of the women had careers in the healthcare industry. Their voices lowered in the way as if keep a secret from the surrounding white people. They began discussing their observations about the drug addiction and use back home.

The middle class and wealthy white youth and adults were increasingly being affected by the opioids “White kids in the suburbs were dropping dead,” as one woman put it. White people were growing concerned and now they are looking for ways to help and treat them.

The mood became heavy with something that was not being said-a history revisited each of us. 1986 never went away. This part of the conversation also became a social test, for the women gave each other knowing looks and looked at me to determine if I was a Black woman who “got it.”

I got it.

In that moment, there was this shared knowing, as one woman looked off.

Another shook her head.

Then, one of the women in medicine, gave voice to what we seemed to thinking and only expressing on our contorted faces and changed countenances.

“They didn’t care about treating us. They were locking us up. When it is a white kid in the suburbs, now there is government money for programs and treatment.”

By “us,” she means the Black community.

As for the “they”—Again, 1986.

My stomach tightened. I was noticing the rhetoric, and I had not talked about it with anyone, yet. I was wondering if it was just me—or my imagination, as I watched the gentle crafting and shifting of the drug addiction narrative in a way that garnered sympathy and financial support for white people and used the same appeal for sympathy to ignore years of lack of it towards African-American people.

The story of “learning from the past” to move to a treatment approach became a tool to racially whitewash a host of atrocities against People of Color.

I wanted my suspicions to be wrong.

She confirmed it.

[casabuildingservicesuk]

Bathroom Renovation Trends That You Cannot Wait to Try!

If you are planning your home renovations, the bathrooms should be the first place to get an instant uplift! It is very crucial to keep your bathrooms moisture-free and well-ventilated. Invest in budget-friendly ideas and give yourself a retreat in your own home! Watch out for these trends that will provide an excellent appeal to your upcoming bathroom renovation:

Use of large format wall tiles:

 The format of bathrooms implementing large-sized tiles will never go out of trend. Whether you have a large or small bathroom space, cut-out tiles will act as a colossal disaster. So, in your upcoming bathroom renovation in Ilford, try to implement the use of large format tiles on the walls. 

Pro tip: If your bathroom is too small, do not make the mistake of using patterned tiles as they create a very messy and chaotic look.

Floating vanities:

Have you ever heard of floating vanities? It is time that you embrace the addition of floating vanities to your bathroom renovation project in Wanstead. The crisp and floating lines of the vanity add in a lean contemporary look but gone are those days as now people like wall-mounted vanities to conserve space! A freestanding vanity will make your bathroom appear more spacious! They have many storage compartments for proper storage of amenities.

Pro tip: A wall-hung vanity will keep the moisture build-up under check!

Backlit mirrors with medicine cabinets:

Mirrors add magic to any space! If your bathroom is too small in size, then doing a mirrored wall will be a great idea! The bathroom renovation experts of Essex advise the homemakers to use mirrors as a part of their medicine cabinets. Backlighting the countertop mirrors is also an excellent way of adding glamour to your bathroom.

Use of warm colours and durable paints:

When it comes to your home renovation in Richmond, deciding on the colour scheme is very important. Bathrooms receiving ample sunlight must be painted in calm and neutral hues. While the ones having several mirrored additions should be painted with varying shades of blue, teal and lemon yellow. A fresh coat of paint always does wonders to the walls. If you want darker hues, then try to complement them with lighter tones of the same colour.

The bottom line: Planning your bathroom renovation might be a hell of a task. Hence taking professional help will be beneficial. Seek inspirations from the above trends and use skilled renovation experts to implement them in a definite manner.

[cougarpaws4thecause]

TIPS FOR CREATING A PET-FRIENDLY HOME

There are a lot of responsibilities that come with being a pet owner. You have to rewire your whole daily routine to ensure your new animal is well-kept. One of the most overlooked topics when planning for a new pet is how to make your home pet-friendly. Here are some ideas you can use to make your home more comfortable for you and your animal. 

Invest in pet-friendly furniture

Unless you are going to adopt a hairless pet who minds its own business then you are going to want to pick up some stain-resistant furniture. Pets have way more hair than us on average. This means you are bound to get hair all over your house. A simple lint-roller is a quick and easy trick to battle excess fur.

Do not forget about the potential stains animals can bring inside. Therefore you will want to pick out the right fabrics to make cleaning up easier. Velvet, silk and tweed are not good options because they are easily ruined by scratches and stains. Synthetic microfibers and leather are a better choice. When it comes to colors, always choose darker shades. This way if any stains arise, they will be less noticeable. If you have a cat, invest in a scratching post. Training your cat to use this will prevent them from destroying your favorite couch cushions. 

Keep potentially hazardous ingredients in a safe place

If you have ever left your pesky pet home alone, you might be familiar with the consequences. Sometimes they like to get into trash cans or get into containers they are not supposed to be in. Make sure everything you find to be valuable has a secure lid. Trash cans often attract pets looking for an extra snack. If it is easily accessible you can bet your pet will find its way into it. Make sure it is shut tightly when out of use. You will thank yourself later when you do not find your trash can tipped over with garbage scattered around your home. 

If your animals decide to unknowingly snack on your prescription medicines, you will need to make an emergency trip to the vet. The same thing goes for any dangerous cleaning products. Always make sure these products are kept away from your pets so that they cannot access them. Utilize spaces like cabinets that are high from the floor. 

Keep strong scents out of the house

According to an article published by PBS, a dog’s sense of smell is about 10,000 to 100,000 times as acute as a human’s. This means you should always be careful with the kind of perfumes you wear and the items your use to freshen the smell of your home. Many people love aromatherapy for its calming and uplifting factors. However, some essential oils are too strong for animals and can lead to adverse health effects in them, For example, the pet poison helpline lists wintergreen, eucalyptus, peppermint, ylang-ylang and many more as toxic for cats. These oils can give cats watery eyes and cause burning in their nose/throat. 

April 15, 2021

[andygirl13-blog]

The Moon’s Turn to Play

In general, my life is an open book. I've never minded telling anyone the story of my life, for better or for worse, in the case that another person might be able to relate on some level. Sometimes they need to hear it, and sometimes I need to tell it. Sometimes, I just like finding people who understand. Because this is how I've lived my life, my friends and family typically know what is going on. That isn't the case these days and I'm not exactly sure why, but today I shared what has been happening with a dear friend, who in return, gave me a very positive and uplifting message. Thought I'd share this in case one of you out there can relate. 

For a few months, I've been really down in the dumps. Maybe it's the weather. Maybe it's because I only see my son half of the time. Maybe it's the loss of dreams that I had built simply not coming true. Whatever the reason, I'm pretty sure that Norman Reedus staying fully clothed on The Walking Dead has something to do with it. But, I digress. I've just not been myself. There are times when my heart feels so empty and cold and I'm so engulfed by my own haunting thoughts that I completely lose it. I feel forgotten. Cue meltdown. 

Usually, I can pick myself back up fairly quickly. That hasn't been the case these past few months. The worst is at night when I'm trying to fall asleep. I think about all of the things that could have been, or should have been, and all of the dreams that didn't happen. And in those moments, I'm ANGRY. I'll never be able to give my son the same life that I had, because I had two parents who loved each other living in the same house. My fear is that he will grow up thinking I'm a failure, or thinking I didn't try hard enough for him. During the day (for the most part), I know this isn't true. But during the day, I feel nothing. Nothing at all. And no one knows. 

How do I express this? It's as though I'm grieving in a sense. But, shouldn't this have happened a year ago? Shouldn't I be over this by now? Because I'm not. It seems to be just beginning. Lately, I've had two major breakdowns, and I am not proud to say that they happened in front of my son. Scrambling to find my Ativan, I tore apart the medicine cabinet with no luck... I haven't needed it in almost a year, after all. So there I sat, sobbing and shaking in front of my 3.5 year old who immediately came over and held onto me for dear life. The first time this happened, all I could do in that moment was to let him comfort me. He pat my back and said,

               "It's ok, Mommy. Take a deep breath."

                               So, I did.

               "Take one more."

                               I did.

               "Now another. Do you feel better?"

                               Yes, I do. What just happened?

Remarkably, my young child had temporarily fixed me. How? Furthermore, how was I supposed to explain to him what had just happened? Why was mommy so sad? When he asked, I just told him that sometimes mommy gets sad that it's ok to cry, but that he made me feel so much better by being there for me. I told him how proud I was of him and thanked him for being such a wonderful person... because in that moment, I realized that that is exactly what he is. A person. His own person. 

So, here I am thinking that it was a one and done incident. I'm, cool like that, I'm chill like that, I'm peace like that. WRONG. I'm a total mess. Sorry, kid. Same thing happens, and there is the little person comforting me in a way that no one else can. When it started, the look on his face completely changed and there he was, saving me from sadness. Snuggling with him never felt so nice. Somehow, I felt protected and secure, yet had the most incredible sense of guilt in the world.

               This isn't the way it's supposed to be.

I've walked around with this guilt for several weeks, and just told a friend, we will call her Susan (Because that is her name... I will not protect the innocent) what has been going on. Of course, she is comforting in and of herself, but her response to this blew me away. And this is why I am sharing this with the masses, if they've read this far, that is. I told her that I was ok with having my son see me cry when I am sad. I want him to know that is a normal reaction and to know it is ok to feel that deeply. But I am NOT ok with him seeing me have a breakdown. Especially since I can't explain why it's happening. She said that he is seeing me recover.

               Recover? Am I recovering?

She said that yes, he is seeing his mommy when she is sad, and that he is also seeing her get back on her feet. She also said that he is learning empathy and not to feel bad about him acquiring that skill so young. I guess he did learn that... but how? How do kids know? Which makes me wonder why I don't know! When did I lose whatever it was to fix myself? Does this happen to anyone else? You've completely rejected any type of warmth in your everyday life and then absolutely lose your mind at night?

               It happens to me. Is this normal?

When the sun is up, I can get by. That's all I'm doing though is just barely getting by. I ignore what is happening in my head and put it on pause. I feel nothing for anything or anyone and find myself just not caring. About anything. Then when it's the moon's turn to play (A phrase I came up with for my son), I turn into an emotional basket case running every scenario through my head a million times. But I guess this is part of recovering, of leaving dreams behind and creating new ones. I suppose part of the journey to happiness is living through and conquering sadness... because then how will you know when you are truly at your happiest?

               Right? 

For now, I guess I won't beat myself up so much. I guess I'll try to start forgiving myself and accepting the fact that my son won't live the same type of life that I did. But... maybe that's ok. I never did find that bottle of Ativan.  

               I am glad. 

And someone be a doll and tell Norman Reedus that I'm single.