#until I realize that my experience is not universal and not everyone my age has made these books their entire personality as a kid

[writerfae]

I’m one of those people that lived and breathed the Percy Jackson books when I was younger and therefore regularly forgets that not everyone has read it as a kid

[swaps55]

Hiiii currently doing yet another Opus readthrough to help maintain my sanity and have had an absolute earworm of a question; I can't remember if this has come up before, but if Daniel never disappeared, if he was still around by the time the games events roll around, how do you think Sam would be different?

This is SUCH a good question. Because while Sam's desperate need for approval from his mother is one of his primary drivers, another is the guilt he feels about his father. He believes that his very existence robbed his father of the life Sam imagines he wanted - N7 - and he made it his mission to live the life his father didn't get, to repay the debt.

And the thing is, both of those things are integral to him becoming Commander Shepard.

So what happens if Daniel doesn't go missing?

I don't think their relationship is magically fixed. It was only his disappearance that knocked it into Sam's head that his father was so much more than Sam believed him to be. He didn't even know his father had gone through any of the N program until after he was gone. So if he doesn't have that moment of clarity at age 15, when does he have it, if he has it at all?

I still think the N program is something Sam would have pursued - he had his eye on it before Daniel went missing - but I imagine Daniel would have finally told him about his own history with the N program as an effort to talk him out of trying to get back in.

Now, the Sam who went into the N program without losing his father would have been far less angry at the world. The Sam who had Daniel still would have been ready to fight god in the target parking lot, but that Sam picks the fight for lack of something better to do. The Sam who did lost his father has so much anger at himself and at the universe that didn't even bother to look for him, that he'd fight god because he wants to see him bleed.

So when Daniel tells Sam about his own experiences with N1, this Sam might have listened. After all, most of his disdain for his father came from believing he wasn't the brave hero his mother was, because Daniel worked a desk job on a space station while his mother was out exploring the galaxy. Learning that his father gave up the N program because he wanted Sam, when his mother won't give him the time of day unless he's earned a commendation - might have changed everything between them.

And if that happens...maybe he does give up the N program. Which means he doesn't play the same role on Torfan, if he's there at all...which likely means he doesn't even wind up on the 'Yang. Would he still be a hell of a soldier? Yes. Would he be the person everyone looks to when the galaxy is in peril?

No.

One of the many things I love about Sam is how everything that makes him Commander Shepard is the result of Sam's own needs not being met.

But if Sam doesn't suffer that pain - if he gets the nurturing and love he needs and deserves - the price is the entire galaxy. His mother has to emotionally neglect him. He has to lose his father. He has to go down the dark path that almost costs him his soul. He can't realize the love of his life is right in front of him until the weight of the galaxy sits square on his shoulders. He has to die. He has to be resurrected. If any of those things don't happen, if at any point the holes in him are filled by the love and support he deserves...everyone dies.

I've worked out enough of my plan for the end of ME3 to know it will play out in such a way that the only hope this cycle has for surviving the reapers is Sam. Not just because he is the baddest badass who ever badassed, but because the paths he has walked, the things that he has done, and the things that have been done to him create a unique set of circumstances that literally no other being in the galaxy could replicate.

It has to be him. And saying no would condemn the entire galaxy.

So basically, TL;DR, if Sam doesn't lose Daniel, Sam would be so different the reapers would win.

[littleclosetofbyler]

it was me, i was mike

Hello world.

So I got around the byler rabbit hole around 13 days ago (backed up by a comment on the first byler yt video i watched, kinda crazy), and everything went downhill from there until two or three days ago when i realized something extremelly curious: I was Mike Wheeler once.

Now, you might be asking yourself "the f is this woman into" but hear me out: everyone has a past.

So I will tell you a little bit about myself and my first friend crush.

I was around 15-16 when it started, year 2005, she was two years younger than me and my best friend. We went to the same school, she was really really smart, we would hang out because we both liked anime and books and games. Basically I asked her to be my friend during recess one day, of course when you are 15 the interaction goes more like "hey i heard you like anime, me too, wanna hang out after this?"

And hang out we did. A lot.

Fast forward a few years we are in full friendship with me being around 18 and dumb as f. We would go everywhere together and all was great, until I met one of her friends, a guy who was just kind of cool, but I actually just liked his name.

I started dating him, because I had nothing better to do, and my friend and I were okay for around a week, and then this guy asked my friend how he could make me kiss him... and my friend cut me off.

Like that. No longer friends.

In january was her 16th birthday, I called her on the phone and asked why we were no longer hanging out, I told her I missed her and she gave me the answer that has been with me for over 15 years already: "Our age gap is too big".

At the moment I was sad and weirded out, we were friends, best friends, what the hell happened. Until a few weeks later I talked with another friend, a wise dumb kind of guy who told me the second answer that has been with me for years: "She liked you".

I was 19 when I understood my feelings for women were more than platonic, I was 19-20 when I had my first everything with women. I was 19-20 when i came out of the closet.

But when I was 18 and she liked me, I was just... oblivious.

I used to make jokes about gay people, I had a lot of internalized homophobia, I thought things were not very logical at all. It took me years to realize that my "looking up to X older girl" was not a common universally straight experience, not in the way I used to do it. It took me even more years to realize that my first idealization of a "wet dream" was not the man, but the woman in the blue dress and high hair.

A few years more, of should I say, many years more, is what it took me to realize a lot of other things; looking back, my relationship with her was never completely "normal", not for two girls in my country at that age in the year 2007.

Hidden messages, special presents, a folder full of drawings, german music, a little too close in all the photos, sleepless nights on her bed, ice cold tea specially for me, holding hands while watching anime in the darkness of a movie theater, almost hugging while a kiss happened in those movies, sleeping on my shoulder, except that she was never really sleeping.

We were everything and we were nothing, platonic friends only.

Today I am 34, and an openly not straight woman (lesbian? bisexual? I don't know, i don't care).

When I lost her I did not only lost my best friend, I lost so so much more, and it was probably the cathalist for everything that came after.

I miss her to this day.

So I understand the universal not straight experience of the crush on a friend as well as the being the crush of said friend, and let me tell you, I was Mike Wheeler, remember that guy I told you about? Well, I told him I loved him (can´t actually even remember if this happened exactly like this), because he insisted I never said it.

I have never been in love with a man, I am not sure I even ever feel anything for a man beyond platonic whatever.

So, whenever I see people say that Mike Wheeler just can't be gay, or be or anything... oh my sweet summer child, he can be, because I was, at the same age, in a not conservative contry, in 2008; why do you think it might be impossible in the 80's in a conservative town in a pretty conservative country?

Dunno, just asking.

[lilspooky-doll]

True Happiness — pt. 2

pairing — Aegon II Targaryen x Handmaid! Reader

summary — All Prince Aegon wanted growing up with the parents he had was to experience true happiness; not happiness from drinking, not happiness from inflicting insults against others but real happiness you can only experience with someone you feel deeply for. Even at a very early age, he believed he was going to end up drunk and worse than his absentee father until she came along to clean up the pieces.

themes — canon targcest, fluff, aegon is a soft boi, language, blood descriptions, eventual smut (p in v, slight choking, breeding kink, oral (f receiving), not the best descriptions of smut), possessive! aegon, alicent using others to fix her problems, brief child abuse, brat! aegon, au! aegon (he's not a shithead), au! house of the dragon, female! reader, happy ending (for aegon at least), mentions of pregnancy, children (warning enough for that), aemond x heleana,

author’s note — here’s pt. 2 for you all! i will warn you that this is my first time writing any kind of spicy scene/smut so please be gentle with me on any criticisms. this is the end but i have some small imagines & headcanons planned out for this universe. i have a bunch of wholesome shit for this universe to make up for the fact that i have plans for a dark!fic for aegon. anyways, enjoy!

Ever since the incident in the Godswood, it seemed that the Targaryen prince and his handmaid were closer than ever. Before, there were times when one would see the maid going about her chores or see her chatting with Heleana when Aegon would drag her to the courtyard to relax between lessons with them. Now, everyone could see the prince following his maid everywhere. Whenever she was in the room, one could see his eyes drift away from his task at hand to watch her figure move away from him.

Every free moment he had, they were always together and some have seen him give delicate kisses on her maid when they parted ways or she would give a peck on the Targaryen’s blushing cheek. To the gossiping few — those few consisted of virtually everyone within the castle walls — there were talks that the young prince was in love with his handmaiden and that he was stopping the Queen from betrothing him to his dear sister in the odd way Targaryens tend to do. They were rumors but it appeared that all rumors pertaining to the eldest prince rang true.

Yes, the young couple were in love in a way where it was pure and not tainted by the impurities that lived around them. Yes, the prince has fought tooth and nail with the Queen over the betrothal to the point that Alicent saw an ugly side of her son making her immediately change the betrothal from him to her second son, Aemond. It frightened the Queen how determined Aegon was to remain free from that particular duty of his and how fervent he was in making sure Aemond and Heleana were the ones to be betrothed to each other.

Somehow, during their arguments, he was even able to negotiate for his maid to be removed from the servant quarters and be moved into the room adjoined to his chambers. In all of their scuffling, Alicent didn’t even realize she had agreed to his terms until she witnessed that victorious smirk on his pale face. It terrified her as that smirk resembled her father’s when the plan he worked out was going the way he desired for it. She felt a terrible ache in his stomach like it was a deep foreboding sense that something was going to go wrong whether that was in the present or in the distant future. But, she only hoped that everything would go the way her father planned and that Aegon’s obsession with his maid would die out as an innate curiosity.

Within a day of the Queen’s agreement, the prince had — politely — asked the servants to help his dear maid bring her things out of the quarters and into the room beside his. It all worked out spectacularly seeing as his room wasn’t like the apartment that Rhaenyra used to have when she lived in the castle but it still had an attached room that gave both of them easy access to see one another.

━━━━━━━━━━━

The days were lonely for the young couple as the royal family departed to Driftmark for the funeral services of Laena Velaryon. Aegon, of course, had to follow his family as part of their duties to wish the dragonrider a safe return to the sea while she had to stay at the Red Keep on the orders of the Queen to attend to more than just Aegon’s chambers. She had been ordered to maintain all three of the Targaryen children’s chambers whilst they were away and to remain occupied if her tasks were completed.

When the order was given, the prince was agitated — more of anger than anything else — as his mother wanted them to be apart. Aegon wouldn’t admit it but he was scared to be away from his love. This would be the first time they would be apart for days and he was worried something would happen while he was gone. Indeed, he was angered and worried but she became the levelheaded one as she reassured him that all will not disappear while he was away from their chambers. It was simply a short trip to pay his respects not long before having to go on a journey back to King’s Landing.

For the teen of three and ten, this trip was turning out to be a disaster. Just a mere hour ago, he witnessed his mother and his elder sister fight over their children. The Velaryon children attacked the second Targaryen son of Viserys and he paid the price of losing an eye in exchange for claiming Vhagar for himself. Of course, during the war of words between the women, Aemond accused Aegon of being the one to tell him of his nephews being bastards. This had stunned him as he had stopped picking on his brother for not having a dragon and quietly tried to support him without him noticing the little things Aegon did for him. So being accused of this and being smacked for it angered something deep inside of him feeling the burning flames flicker within.

It was a petty thing for his dear brother to do but for his mother to just take his word and punish him for it, that was the simmering coals that Aemond’s flames fluttered upon. Aegon hadn’t felt this kind of anger since that fateful day his lovely maid had been assigned to him and he wasn’t going to allow this to be brushed aside. No, he was going to make things go his way for once and remove himself from the equation in this game.

An abrupt knock disturbed him from his sulking in his guest chambers. Taking a second, he called for the person to enter and in came his mother, still flustered from going after Rhaenyra and their ongoing battle that seems to have been around since before he was born. Making her way into his chambers, Alicent smooths out the front part of the skirt of her green dress before locking her sights onto the hunched teen on his bed whose hands were occupied by a chalice.

“What brings you here, mother?” Aegon snarked out unwillingly to look in her direction, his cheek blazen red with a bold handprint.

A soft huff escaped the Queen at the hostility her eldest son was openly displaying. “There is no reason for you to spread such rumors about your nephews. Your brother has lost his eye because he has spilled the lies you have fed him.” Alicent paused, taking a calming breath before continuing on, “Why must you do things like this, Aegon? Why must you instigate already very fragile situations?”

A bark of laughter exuded from the prince after he sipped from his chalice. “Instigate? You believe me to have instigated this all? It’s a mere rumor that doesn’t hold much merit considering there are many people in our line with dark hair much like Rhaenyra’s children. It’s a stupid thing to believe and Aemond was the one to weaponize this, not me! Is it so hard to believe that your precious son could have some faults?”

His vision grew red with pent up rage at the accusations laid against him and obviously, the bit of ale he decided to indulge himself this one time wasn’t helping him in keeping a clear head. If anything, it worsened the loathsome feeling that made the flames burn brighter in his chest. Distracted by the rage deep within, Aegon didn’t notice that his mother had been making her way closer until he could see the edge of the dark skirts shimmering green in the low light fall in front of his booted feet.

Looking up from the stone floors and towards Hightower's face, Aegon could see the boiling anger in her eyes and the pink of her face took over the usual tone it held. Seeing such a quiet reaction from his mother shouldn’t have warranted the sick feeling of victory in him but, oh did it feel good to see her composure fall in such a tense situation. It was a bit scary to see the always calm Queen attack his half-sister but in a setting like this moment, it was a good feeling seeing as she always had everyone else lose themselves first.

“Do you understand how delicate this all is? Your grandsire believes you should be the one to inherit the throne and you’re doing what?” Alicent snatches the chalice from the loose grip Aegon had on it and sniffed the contents of it. “Drinking? In a time like this?! Every time a situation arises and it all goes wrong, you can’t help yourself to the nearest barrel of ale. You are a drunk and I would not be shocked if you turned into your father — absent from everything!”

Red seeped further into his vision as he bolted up glaring at her intensely. “I am NOTHING like him! I have done my duties and I have no desire to rip the throne from Rhaenyra. I am the furthest thing from a drunk but of course, when I decide to indulge myself once in a while, it makes me a drunkard! I will not be badgered by you when I have done more in these past three years than the last ten I had been alive before her!”

Enraged by him standing up to her, Alicent did what she knows best when it comes to her son; smacking him in hopes of rattling him enough to bring him back to sense. The hit decorated the same cheek as before marking it further. Two smacks in the span of a few hours was enough to cause bruising later on and make it known to everyone how Alicent felt about the incident on Driftmark.

“You will correct yourself,” ordered Alicent, making her way out of the chambers. “We leave in the morning and shall be back to King’s Landing within the day.”

A click of the door closing snapped him out of his trance allowing himself to fall back onto his bed. He curled himself up into a ball clutching onto the extra pillow desperately wishing for some comfort from her — a hug, a hand playing with his hair, just something comforting. Tears began to escape from their keep running down his nose and splashing onto the plush downy of the pillow.

All he wanted was to be home with her.

━━━━

It has been a long day preparing for the royal family to return from Lady Laena’s funeral. Every maid and servant has been rushing to make sure everything was where it needed to be and that every detail was perfect. She had been busy attending to the chambers of the King and Queen’s children, cleaning every surface, tidying up and making sure all of their clothes were clean in their respective places.

All of the insects, alive and preserved, were well kept in Princess Heleana’s room. Each living one was fed and the preserved ones were dusted making sure they did not leave their places. Books and writing utensils were organized and neatly put away in the desk occupying Prince Aemond’s chambers. All extra studying materials were stacked nicely on the polished wood surface. Nothing had to be done for Aegon’s room seeing as she was in his room everyday. Living in his apartment made it easier to keep it all tidy and it made it more exciting to finish her day off by seeing his smiling face.

Smiling to herself, she tidies her prince’s bed once more making sure her lovely little note sat neatly upon the pillow she knew he always placed his head on every night. Working diligently, she didn’t quite hear the opening of the chamber doors but she most definitely heard it slam, the sound rattling most of everything in the room. Shocked by the sound, she whipped her body around facing the creator of the sound who stood shakily against the closed door.

“Oh my, Aegon. How I’ve missed you,” she gushed making her way over to him.

Slowly, she realized something was amiss; his hair waterfalled over his face and he stood pressed up against the door shaking. She closed in on him gently wrapping her hands around his biceps and hoping to meet his eyes again.

“What’s happened? Please look at me, Aegon,” she fretted, worrying that something had happened to him and she couldn’t have been more right in that suspicion.

Taking a moment, he huffed out a breath before lifting his head and effectively moving his silvery white strands away from the disgusting mark tainting his face. A gasp left her lips as she agonizingly looked at the bruise in its dark state of purples and blues. Just the sound of her gasping made the barely held sobs break through their damaged dam unleashing a torrent of horrendously breathtaking cries and rivers of tears making their journey down his face.

“Oh Gods. Please talk to me. Tell me what has happened while you were away,” she pressed using her hands that were already on his arms to guide him to his bed.

She sat him gracefully atop of the blankets and quickly placed herself beside him on the bed. With her dress tucked under her knees, she kneeled, pulling his head into the crook of her neck. Using that as an invitation, Aegon tangled his arms around her body squeezing, relishing in the comfort he so desired since the night before.

Between hiccups, the broken teen muttered, “Aemond was attacked and lost an eye. Mother blames me for it since he partially provoked Rhaenyra’s children. She slapped me. Twice in the span of a few hours.” Taking a moment to catch his breath again, he started up once more, “She called me a drunk for having one cup of ale and said I was going to be like my father.”

Admitting out loud what had happened to him unleashed another torrent of sobs. He was unable to stop himself because after all, he was a broken boy made by the adults in his life. His father was never present in his life, always prioritizing his eldest child over the rest. His mother resented him for being the child first born out of an act that stole the rest of her girlhood. In some ways, he reminded her of herself being pressured by those around them to perform duties that they feel they are not fit for. His grandsire is the second son who’s more ambitious than most, lusting for his own flesh and blood to sit upon the Iron Throne even though the title will never be theirs rightfully. Broken and beaten, Aegon allowed for years of anguish to ripple down the neck of his dearest love soaking the shoulder and neckline of her plain dress.

Brushing his long strands away from his streaked face, she whispered to him, “You are nothing like your father. He may be the King but you will never be like him. You desire for more than what everyone expects of you and you want to be there for the loved ones in your life.” She chuckled to herself about her next statement. “I’m afraid if your mother thinks you're a drunk for having an ale every once in a while, I wonder what she thinks Prince Daemon is seeing, he's the most self indulgent out of your family.”

Laughing at her words, Aegon began to feel the tears lessen and the deep seated sadness lift into something much lighter.

“Obviously, it’s too scandalous for her to say. Mayhaps she believes if she just says what he is, she would be committing a sin on words alone,” Aegon laughed out, taking a second to remove the streaks of wetness off his cheeks being mindful of the swelling on the one side.

Relishing in the moment, the both of them started scooting up the bed making their way to lay down on his bed. Face to face, hand in hand, the young couple gazed into each other’s eyes with their heads resting upon the white downy pillows. This was another moment where they wanted the world to stop around them as they just lived in it never wanting it to stop.

Crinkling of paper sounded under the prince’s head, he lifted his head just enough to snatch the note and bring it into his view. Questioning, he raised a pale eyebrow at her smiling face and all she did in response was gesture for him to read it. Opening the note, Aegon recognized her distinctive handwriting and read the note to himself:

In lavender fields, I feel your touch. Every moment you’re gone, I lay in their softness and gaze to the sun. For the sun, I see your smile. I miss you as you miss I and I am as close to you as you are to me.

I’m in the night sky shining brightly as the moon with the stars around me. I’m the dragon’s breath you touch every time you enter Godswood.

Avy jorrāelan, ñuha vēzos.

Shocked to see the Valyrian at the end of the note, Aegon gripped her arm and dragged her into his embrace squeezing her tightly. She wrapped her arms around him again to the best of her ability and cherished the feeling of being in his arms.

For hours, they laid there in each other’s embrace slowly drifting into a deep sleep — one of the most peaceful sleeps they both have had in ages. Face to face, smile mirroring smile, an image of pure content and bliss.

━━━━━━━━━━━

Time had started to pass Westeros by. Everything was changing and no one knew whether that change was good or bad. All of the Targaryen children grew older and grew more into themselves; Heleana was a woman of ethereal proportions who desired for her insects even with her duties now as a mother to twins, Aemond was the perfect prince who excelled in his studies and with his swords just as much as he excelled at being a doting father and husband to his sister-wife and their children, Daeron was stuck in Oldtown but he never let it get to him that he was missing out on everything with his family and Aegon did his duties as possible heir to the throne with his hair now much shorter and his love stronger than ever before.

At eight and ten, he was now older than his half-sister, Rhaenyra was when she married Ser Laenor and out of all of his siblings — excluding Daeron who is the scholar of them all — he is the only one unwed making his so-called claim to the throne weaker than before. Of course, he was hoping to rectify that problem sooner than anyone was really expecting. He’s been planning this for a while after gaining inspiration from the marriage between Rhaenyra and his uncle Daemon.

The traditions of Old Valyria have always interested him considering that his mother has been pushing for them all to practice the Faith of the Seven. It felt like he couldn’t participate in those traditions and in the Old Gods even though he is of Targaryen blood so, hearing of the marriage between his sister and uncle, it burned the flame in his chest hotter than ever before. A tradition he desperately wanted to follow as a way of taking his love and making her his in every aspect and living the way a Targaryen should, not caged by the rules of others.

Everything has been planned and set in place for at least two moons and he couldn’t have been more thankful for those who were privy to it all on keeping hush-hush about his plans. Tonight was the night he had chosen for this special occasion and he timed it all perfectly so that by the time they came back from Dragonstone, no one would have noticed that they were gone for the entire night. Granted, Aegon wanted more time to appreciate his soon to be bride after their ceremony but timing was of the essence and he wasn’t having anyone stop him from doing what he wished.

He was marrying her tonight and he was determined to ravish her in every physical way possible as well.

━━━━

It was nerve wracking seeing how he’s grown and changed over the years. Alicent could feel the nervous energy consume her as she gazed down at the training yard intently watching her sons do a light training session for the day. She was always so proud of her second son and she always doted on him as he grew up but seeing Aegon so changed from how he behaved as a child until now.

Before she assigned her as his handmaid, Alicent would envision how she thought her eldest would turn out and every time, those images reaped of horrible outcomes to how he would be as an adult. Now, she could visibly see the difference to how she thought he would be to how he actually is. He was longer a spoiled child who needed the attention of those around him, he was a man who she could see ladies of the court desiring for him to be theirs. A gentleman who was patient and reserved, lovely to those lesser than him and he even does what he can to make his siblings happy in their lives.

She knew that these changes were because of the handmaid but she didn’t want to admit that fact. Admitting it would mean that they were far closer than any prince and maid should be, far closer that rumors of an intimacy that should only be between a married couple seem true in some sense. Those rumors frightened her to her core as she had shredded through the skin around all of her nails in knowing that news. Those rumors are what sparked the urgency in her and her father to arrange for a betrothal and hopefully, quick marriage between Aegon and a lady of high standing.

Doing a quick betrothal and marriage aren’t ideal but seeing how lovely Aegon is even towards women not in his family made that worry — worry that he would have ended up rotten like most men in her life — fade away. She had run this by her son briefly a few days prior and shockingly, there was no fight in him unlike when he fought for Heleana and Aemond to be wed. The lack of a battle had a trickle of suspicion shiver down her spine as she hoped he was genuine in the idea of being betrothed to a noble woman. Being married to one of the many eligible women throughout Westeros would better help Aegon stake his claim as a real heir to the Iron Throne.

Hoping all of the work she is indulging her father in would be fruitful and she won’t have him breathing harder down her neck. The pressure could be placed on someone else for once. All they needed to do was get this done quickly and swiftly.

━━━━━━━━

Painted in shades of orange and red, the sun had begun to hide behind the calming waves of the bay. The burning light of the setting sun lit up the chamber room in the same shades as the sky and dozens of candles accompanied the fading light. Soft whispers filled the cool air and a pattern of light footsteps danced around in the background. 

Bathing themselves in the setting sun, the couple embraced in a slow dance seeming to move to a rhythm only they know of. A glow radiated off of them as they smiled at one another enjoying the quiet moment together. Anyone who peaked in on the situation would think that they were a pair of gods painted in their ethereal gleam who have graced their presence amongst the land of mortals. It was a beautiful sight that not even the most skilled painters could replicate this moment of beauty and it was a moment that could only be lived in current time. 

Even though they were the only ones in the room, they never spoke over a soft whisper, keeping their conversation strictly to their ears only. 

“Jaelan ao naejot sagon ñuhon isse ābrar se isse morghon,” Aegon muttered, tightening his grip on her waist and bringing his lips closer to her ear. I want you to be mine in life and in death. 

A soft, quick laugh expelled from her lips at her lover’s statement. “Iā dīnilūks rȳ īlva would dōrī sagon approved, ñuha vēzos.” A marriage between us would never be approved, my sun. Lighthearted, her words were but there was an err of truth to it. “Kesan va moriot sagon aōhon sesīr skori iksā naejot gūrogon iā riña hae aōha ābrazȳrys .” I will always be yours even when you are to take a maiden as your wife. 

Taking the moment as she let it sink in for her prince, she further embraced him in a sweet kiss. Nothing more, nothing less. A delicate coupling in light of a very serious conversation that needed to be had between the couple. 

Snaking his hand out of hers, he wrapped it around the base of her skull pushing her petal lips harder against his. Deepening the kiss, they both began to feel their bodies warm under the intensity of their kissing and it lit a deep desire for more. Wanting more but also wanting to continue their conversation, Aegon tightened his grip on her neck and tugged her lips away from his. A slight string of saliva was all that connected them as it slowly fell away. 

A smirk etched itself into the lines of his face as he gazed down at the dazed, flushed look of hers. “Kesi dīnagon, ñuha hūra.  Nyke kȳvanon naejot mazverdagon ao ñuhon tonight va Zaldrīzesdōron,” We will marry, my moon. I plan to make you mine tonight on Dragonstone, he paused pulling her body even closer to his, relishing in the small gasp she breathed out. “Īlva dīnilūks kessa sagon gaomagon isse se ways hen uēpa Valyria se pār, eminna ao.” Our marriage will be done in the ways of Old Valyria and then, I will have you.

Shocked by his confession, she snapped herself out of her lust-fueled fog and stared him down with her head still tipped backwards. The realization that Aegon had organized for this all to happen on such short notice was startling. She, of course, wanted to be his wife in a way that it hurt from how much she wished for it but, it sounded absolutely ludicrous for them to be wed behind the backs of everyone on the Council and the monarchs. 

“Are you serious, Aegon? Tonight?” She sputtered out trying to catch her bearings. “How?”

Smiling down at her anxious form, Aegon placed a soft peck on her forehead before looking deep into her starry eyes. Those eyes that he’s gazed into for eight long years, the eyes of the woman he is determined to make his in every way possible; in mind, body and soul.

“A small bag has been packed and set upon Sunfyre who will be ready to fly an hour after the sun has set. Ser Arryk Cargyll has already been sworn to secrecy as I have prepared him to act as if we have taken an early night in our chambers.” He brushed a stray hair that had fallen out of its braid away from her flustered face. “Do not worry. Everything has been set up on Dragonstone as well. When we arrive, we dress in the marital robes, perform the ceremony and then I shall finally ravish you, my love.”

A moment passed as she processed the details that Aegon quietly muttered to her in secrecy. Knowing that very soon, they could be finally wed and be free to love one another caused a warmth to boil in her belly. It was exciting and so dangerous to do something as daring as this but she didn’t care considering that she could be with the man she has loved for all of these long years.

“Sȳrī, īlon kessa jiōragon jemēla hēnkirī se sagon va īlva ñuhoso.” Well, we shall get ourselves together and be on our way. A smirk that mirrored the one on the prince’s face stretched across her beautiful face as they plotted their way to a marriage that insulted the King and the Queen.

━━━━━━━━━━━

The cool night air felt chilly when one was soaring through the dusting of clouds that littered the sky but, on the small sandy beaches of Dragonstone, the air was the perfect temperature for such a momentous night. For her first long trip on Sunfyre, it was rather lovely and the landing at the freehold was a bit rougher than landing at the Dragon Pit in King’s Landing causing her to tighten her grip on Aegon’s waist when she was jostled. 

Seeing the castle here for the first time was breathtaking and knowing that they would be wed on such a beautiful island made it even more spectacular. The exhilaration of all this was beginning to make her jittery as Aegon helped her down from the saddle on Sunfyre after retrieving everything else they had brought with them.

Once on the ground, he clutched onto their small bag and intertwined their fingers before making their way up the unmarked path to the castle. Taking in the scenery made all of this so real to Aegon and he couldn’t have been more happy being here with her and finally putting his long awaited plans into place. He took his sweet time guiding her through the sand and rocks making their way to the entrance where he knew the help he employed would be waiting for them.

As she trekked with the help of Aegon’s hand, she huffed out, “I know you’ve planned all of this but, who did you get to help us with the ceremony? Find the priest to wed us?”

Pulling her up through the final layer of rocks before a smooth pathway, he chuckled at her exasperation and her worry that something would possibly fall through. He understood where she was coming from in the state of her worry but he just wanted her to enjoy this night to the fullest without nitpicking the details. 

“Well, I had the help from someone who was much more knowledgeable on the ways of Old Valyria and they were the ones to set up everything – the robes, the priest, the dragonglass and the goblet we are to use.”

Just as Aegon stated that to satiate her curiosity, the path revealed the entrance of the freehold where out of the faint glow coming from within came the heir to the throne, Princess Rhaenyra in a gown clothed in the infamous Targaryen red and black waiting with her hands clutched gently in front of her.

“It’s good to see you, Aegon after receiving your letters for so long,” Rhaenyra smiled at the embraced couple making their way closer to the princess. “Everything has been set up and I’ll have you both escorted to get ready separately before we do the ceremony.”

“I’m glad we are seeing each other under better circumstances this time, sister. I also appreciate all the help you have provided.” Bringing her closer, he gestured to her. “This is the one I have told you so much about.  Ñuha hūra se qēlossās.” My moon and stars.

Stunned by meeting Rhaenyra in such a setting, she dropped to a low curtsy before popping herself back up to meet the motherly smile of the woman across from her. “I’m pleased to meet you, Your Grace. I had no idea that Aegon had enlisted your help in our marriage,” she blurted out.

“Please, call me Rhaenyra. After all, by the time the sun breaks through the darkness, we will be family. Come along now. We should get this ceremony started as swiftly as we can.” Rhaenyra stepped aside for the couple to make their way into the castle and guided them to their chambers to ready themselves.

Rhaenyra followed behind the young couple as she allowed for the servants to escort them all to where they needed to be for the night. Being behind them, she noticed how delicately Aegon held his lover and how he seemed so soft towards her – the gentle kiss on her forehead, the arm wrapped around her waist to pull her close to his form, the faint whispers he would speak to her. It was a young love that has blossomed and has been deeply cared for all these years like Aegon has told her in his letters he sent her these past few moons. This was a love that would never rot away; it would grow bolder with time.

The princess was shocked to find how desperate her half-brother was to marry –and marry a handmaid at that – considering she was to believe he was growing up rotten and spoiled by the treasures of life. The last time they had seen each other was the night that Vhagar was claimed and Aemond lost his eye to Lucerys’ hand. Alicent made it out to be that Aegon was who planted such awful rumors in his brother’s head but she could see that he was the far opposite of those accusations. She could see he was kind and sweet; everything that a maiden wished for their future husband to be. He so dearly loved his handmaiden that he was willing to wed her without the approval of the King and Rhaenyra would see that wish through for him.

━━━━

Amongst the thorny hedges and towering pine trees in Aegon’s Garden, a small gathering sat in the center of it all as they breathed in the sanctity of the ceremony. In robes of blood red faded into mute beige, the couple stood joined hand in hand as the priest spoke the vows in Valyrian. Around them, the witnesses to this marriage watched with varying expressions; Rhaenyra had a soft smile of familial affection, Daemon was woefully neutral and rightfully curious to this dramatic change in his nephew’s character, Jacaerys seemed uninterested but supportive considering how urgent his mother had dragged him and Lucerys was much of the same expression as his elder brother. 

Even with the small gathering of witnesses, all Aegon and his bride could focus on was one another seemingly able to communicate through subtle eye gestures and the occasional eyebrow movement. This was an all-consuming moment in time and they were doing all they could to soak it up for this was going to be a night they will always want to remember. 

For those not truly focused on the ceremony, time dragged on watching the couple stand there with the priest droning on behind them. But, it was anything but boring for those invested in what was transpiring. Even with Aegon and his bride more focused on what was happening between them than what the priest was saying, they were thrilled for such an opportunity and of course, appreciative of the efforts that Aegon’s elder sister went through to make this happen. They would obviously say their thanks when this all came to an end and Rhaenyra didn’t need their words to know how thankful they were. 

The heir knew their thanks and did not need it for she could see the true love and devotion the couple have for one another. Even with the differences in status, it was a love that many only heard of and very rarely seen in person; this was heartful and full of emotion. She would not need their thanks as she felt it was her duty to make this happen before the council went into uproar over a request for this union. All she would ask of them was to continue to grow into their love and have it continuously blossom — of course she would jokingly request for a future child be named after her. Everyone’s focus began to leak from their minds and were back onto the couple. 

Through the guidance of the priest, it was time for the finale of the ceremony; the binding of their souls. With a steady hand, Aegon was the first to retrieve the small blade of dragonglass from their officiant making his way to his bride. As the blade closed in on her bottom lip, he stopped, looking up at her for her consent which was given to him with a happy jolt of a nod. Carefully, he pressed and sliced a thin line through the center of her bottom lip where blood immediately began to dribble to the surface. Exchanging the blade into her empty, awaiting hand, she too repeated the same process of waiting for his consent and slicing through his plump, bottom lip. The little bit of crimson that pooled on his lip contrasted beautifully against his pale skin and made her eager for the end of this to come. 

Without hesitation, they each dip a single finger into the welling of blood upon their lips and take turns in marking their foreheads to signify the continuation of the Targaryen bloodline — even though the bride was not of the Targaryen line. One last time with the dragonglass, their left hands are cut, causing more blood to pool outside of their bodies; none of that was a concern in the grand scheme of this event for obvious reasons. With clasped hands mixing their blood, the vital fluid rapidly flowed due to the pressure of the two hands and as the witnesses watched as it flowed, a chalice was given to them, each taking their turn at sipping from it. 

Upon the final words, they join in a kiss riddled with the mixing of their blood and saliva as they bathe in the glory of being now newlyweds. They are as it is said, 'one flesh, one heart, one soul, now and forever.’ The beginning of forever for them.

━━━━

They couldn’t get to their guest chambers fast enough with how desperate they were to consummate their marriage. Frantic hands gripping each other’s robes and lips in a vicious battle against one another. 

Distracted by the joining of their mouths, it was difficult trying to remove the marital robes and the simple underclothes that lay beneath. Hands continued to tangle with the fabric and get trapped by the desperation and need lit aflame in the couple. Without stopping their sloppy kissing, they figured out that one would start to work on the other’s clothes while the other didn’t try to multitask with them; it was a mess if they both did the same thing at the same time but oh were they ready to pounce. As effectively as they could, layers upon layers of fabric fell from their bodies creating a puddle of clothes to accumulate on the floor, each of them stepping out of their shoes and out of the pile as they made their way to the bed in the center of the chamber. 

Skin to skin flush against one another and as gentle as he could, he sprawled her out on top of the covers displaying her in all of her glowing beauty out of breath and flushed from their kissing. For a moment, Aegon kneeled a single leg between hers and gazed down taking in the feast of flesh that was waiting to be devoured. A solitary “breathtaking” broke through the sounds of heavy breathing and shifting fabric. Leaning himself over her, collectively trapping her between his arms, he gives a long peck on his swollen lips before he starts his journey down her body, sprinkling open-mouth kisses along the way. Each kiss burned hotter than the last the closer her prince became towards where she wanted him most. 

Soft breaths against the wet kisses sent shivers down her spine and decorated her skin in goosebumps leaving him feeling victorious in her reaction. More small kisses were placed down her inner thighs and back before Aegon blew a cold breath over the kisses again reaping the same reaction. A whine escaped her lips urging him to stop teasing her and to finally make his way where she was desperate for him to be. One last breath blew over her soaking slit causing her to jolt before he decided to finally end his torment and devour her.  

Shock was the expression written on her face and electricity flowed through her body at the attention her love was giving her body. It was an odd sensation but oh was it so deliciously satisfying. The feeling of his wet tongue stroking her and drawing her clit into his mouth was like nothing she’s ever felt before but, she wanted more and more. With a shaky hand, she threaded his silky, white hair in between her fingers and gripped tightly eliciting a moan that vibrated against her adding more stimulation onto the devouring Aegon was doing to her. Breathy moans and sloppy, wet sounds were all that could be heard and it was even more erotic listening to while being overwhelmed by the tongue slipping its way into her. 

More and more pleasurable shockwaves rode through her system as Aegon eagerly continued to feast upon the slick dripping from her. The slurping and the moans vibrated through him made the heat in her belly rise higher than the previous second. The heat and the waves began to burn closer together causing her to grip his hair tighter and arch her back to get her even closer to his face. At this point, she was riding his face with every swift thrust of her hips moving on the blanket top. 

The waves began to crash closer and closer with his grip on her thighs tight, almost bruising the soft flesh. She panted out her moans, struggling to catch her breath with the pleasure burning through her and the thin cord deep within threatening to snap under the sucking and licking. As she looked through her lashes down between her legs, her eyes locked with the dark, hooded eyes peering back up at her. His intense, lavender eyes made her even warmer and had her focused on the sloppy, wet sounds being made by him. 

All she needed was just something —anything— to push her over the edge and snap that cord deep within. As if he could read her mind, Aegon brought two of his fingers up to collect some of her slick before slowly and gently inserting them within. The slight intrusion was a bit strange but oh was the curling of his fingers and the gentle thrust of his hand just absolutely fucking perfect. Her moans went up a few octaves as she tried to desperately chase the high she could feel building more and more. 

It was all so electrifying and all it took was him sucking on her sensitive clit and the right amount of pressure from his curled fingers for the orgasm to hit full force where stars exploded within her vision. A tingling sensation exuded from her limbs and her belly’s flame was stoked to be hotter than ever making her want more from her new husband. 

Pushing himself up off the bed, the prince held a sly smirk on his face and from his lips, her arousal glistened in the lowlight of their chambers. Prowling his way up her shaky form, Aegon left feathery-light touches across her flesh reaping more chills to rake through her. 

“ You’re such a good girl for me, my love. Just riding my face as I devour you whole,” he whispered out looking down upon her flushed face like a predator about to pounce on its prey. “Why don’t you keep those pretty legs open for me and allow me to ravish you some more?”

Almost as if it was a command she couldn’t ignore, her legs spread a bit wider allowing for his body to be accommodated better between them. His words and his deep stare made her writhe with wanting more pleasure to be drawn out by him. 

“Aegon, please… Give me more. I want all of you.” A faint whimper followed her words making the smirk grow deeper into his face as he leaned in to feel her breath on his face.

Stealing her air, Aegon pressed their lips together in a deep, all-consuming kiss desiring for her to taste herself upon him. Hse found it even more arousing being able to taste herself on his lips and she was all the more determined to devour him as he is to devour her. Distracted by them making out, he slowly caressed his hands down her shaky body and took himself into one of his hands, stroking it against her, collecting her slick upon his head. 

With enough preparation, he slowly began to push himself into her. The sudden intrusion caused her to gasp against his mouth as he whispered small words of encouragement. It wasn’t an unpleasant sensation feeling him bare within her but the stretch was a tad bit uncomfortable. Aegon continued to slowly push his way further and further in as he whispered and placed tiny kisses upon her face. 

“Eman ao, ñuha hūra.  Bē konīr,” softly, he spoke as he controlled his desire to just fully push in and relish himself in the feeling of how she was squeezing him tightly.  I have you, my moon. Almost there. 

With one final press, their hips were flush against one another and deep moans exuding from the both of them. Aegon nuzzled his head into her neck taking deep breaths to control himself and she wrapped her arms tightly around his neck carding one of her hands deeply into his silky locks. Allowing only their deep breathing to fill the quiet air around them, they let themselves have a bit of time to adjust to this new, all-consuming sensation before Aegon started to slowly move his hips so as to not cause any discomfort from starting off too quickly.

Soft moans left her lips as he started to move his hips faster and faster. Her skin was lit aflame, the lust was overwhelming and needed to have more of him. She shifted her hips to meet his thrusts and she laid a small trail of open kisses onto his shoulder with his groaning filled her ears. Aegon pushed himself up from her soft neck taking one of hands to grip her hip tightly while the other took her hands from his hair and trapped them above her head pushing her chest out further. 

“Tolī, kostilus. Tepagon nyke tolī,” breathlessly, she moaned out urging Aegon on, causing him to grip her hip tighter almost to the point of bruising her supple flesh. The slight twinge of pain from the grip felt so delicious with the feeling of his cock filling her and rutting into her.  More, please. Give me more.

Smirking at her desperation, he moved the hand that captured her wrists making its way down to wrap his hand gently around her throat, not to squeeze but just to make it known to her that he could at any point tighten his grip there. The feeling of his hand on her throat made her smirk back up at him as more pleasure ripped through her form. He kept at a brutal pace rutting into her and they both began to feel their pleasure peak making them desperate to finish. Shifting their bodies slightly, Aegon started to rub her clit relishing in the sensation of her tightening around him.

“Oh, sweetling. I’m so close. Give me one more before I breed your tight little cunt,” he rasped out rubbing his fingers faster against her and keeping up with his furious pace.

With the smacking of their skin, it overpowered the sounds of their gasping breaths and pleasurable moans. She could feel the shockwaves coming back more viciously than before ripping its way through her body and her limbs tingling. Closer and closer to their peak, the louder their moans became. The hot air made their skin flush red and stick with sweat to one another. 

His pace grew inconsistent as he neared his finish and he could feel her squeeze him impossibly more. The shockwaves kept crashing over her faster with a knot growing tighter within her belly. Soon enough, the waves mellowed out as the knot snapped causing her to orgasm yet again under his attention. The squeezing of her cunt made his head spin making him come much sooner than he intended to. His warmth filled her, causing her to exude one last raspy moan into the ear of her new husband when he slumped his exasperated body on top of hers.

Large smiles stretching across the planes of their faces were filled with happiness and a great deal of breathlessness. They both were content with the events of the day and especially the events that had just happened a few moments prior. This was probably the happiest day of their lives and the feeling of having each other in every way possible – mind, body, and soul – was a feeling that could never be replicated the same way ever again. 

Breaking their moment of reprieve, Aegon removed his body weight off of her looking down at her as she was still trying to catch her breath. Grabbing one of her hands, he placed a soft kiss onto the palm of it before locking his eyes with her again.

“Iksan daor olvie gaomagon lēda ao, ñuha jorrāelagon.” He wrapped his arms around her, taking her by surprise as she let out a squeal. He was planning on having her as much as he possibly could that night before they had to leave back to the Red Keep. I am not quite done with you, my love.

━━━━━━━━

“What do you mean, ‘You can not take a bride’? It is your duty to do so and there is nothing standing in your way to having your choice of the most eligible women in the Seven Kingdoms!” exclaimed Alicent who was moments away from utterly losing her shit — to put it nicely —with her smirking son. 

“I shall give you one guess, Mother as to why I can’t take a bride,” the eldest prince paused for effect before he continued on. “And I’m afraid there is no way for it to be stopped since it has already been done.”

Narrowing her eyes on his form, she thought over what he said and what it all meant. Picking at the skin of her thumbnail, she quickly pondered the ominous riddle she was told. Why did she need to guess on this matter? There’s absolutely no reason for him to keep refusing to court a noble lady unless… 

“You imbecile! You fucked your handmaid, didn’t you! And I would be wrong to assume she’s pregnant with your spawn? I can’t believe that you’ve done something like this, Aegon! You are to be placed on the throne  by the hand of your grandsire and you let some lowly whore seduce you into ruining your chance at having the throne, a noble wife and legitimate children. THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE!” Alicent ranted and raved as her face became red with the lack of air she was breathing in. 

Aegon was actually taking great joy in watching his mother absolutely lose every fragment of sanity that hasn’t been frayed by anxiety and the pressures of his grandsire whispering into her ear. It was almost comical how red she was becoming but what wasn’t amusing about what was happening was the complete slander she was talking about. Granted, yes, he did lovingly fuck his handmaid. Yes, there was a small inkling that he hoped she was impregnated by him even so soon after their marriage; if not, well, they’ll have plenty of time to ‘practice’. But, he will not have his mother or anyone for that matter, speak so horrendously about her whether it was behind his back or to his face. 

A deep chuckle broke Alicent’s tirade as her vision focused in on Aegon pushing himself off from the ledge he made himself comfortable on and made his way prowling towards her in her solar. The echoes of the steps and the dark look in his eyes made Alicent believe that she was not the apex here, she was the prey who has been ceaselessly baiting the predator into ripping her apart. 

“Yes, I did fuck my handmaid but, only after I had made her mine in the ways of Old Valyria. It’s quite the insult to the monarchs of our family and it brings me great joy watching you all lose your shit over my marriage. No, I do not believe my bride to be with a babe and I so wish for her to be rather soon. So, I will not be taking some pompous bitch to be my wife in name only to satisfy your need to adhere to Grandsire’s desires and my handmaid will be my wife in every sense of the word and duty. She has been my closest companion and dearest love for eight long years and she will stay that way until we both lay to rest eternally. Have I made myself clear, Alicent?” 

With every step he took during his monologue, Alicent felt smaller and smaller inching closer to her chaise until the back of her legs hit it causing her to drop down. His eyes never left her face and his words were like flames licking her skin and the last words spoken were like ice burning away at the scorched flesh. 

Tears formed on her waterline but they lingered there, never falling from their place. In all of her years, she has never been made to feel so much like the small prey caught while on a hunting expedition. Seeing how well he’s grown over the years, the Queen never expected something so dark to come over her eldest child; it was something that terrified her more than her father and his deceptive ways. Exhaling a shaky breath, all she could do was nod up at her son who continued to glare down at her waiting for a response. 

With her nod, the dark look slowly faded into an expression of neutrality seemingly content with it. Aegon started to back away, turning himself around to head out of his mother’s solar. His steps rang victorious in the quiet air and his body language screamed the same tune yet his face revealed none of it. 

Making his last step to the door, he turned and faced her again with his hand on the doorknob. Rolling his shoulders and clearing his throat, he spoke once more, “I never meant to be truly hostile to you but, I will not have any slander upon her name. Once you truly see that she is nothing like you have perceived her to be, I would be more than happy for the three of us to spend more time together and have her welcomed into the family regardless of her status.”

Taking that as his cue, a small whisper of ‘I love you’ left his lips as he closed the door behind him leaving his mother to take in his words and the situation they had been put in. Those little words were, hopefully, enough for her to put things aside and be more open to her son being so in love with a maid from their castle even though it just about ruins everything her father has been working towards.

━━━━━━━━

The days seemed to be numbered for the King as his ailing body continued to weaken beyond the ability to heal and it was becoming glaringly obvious that the Hand’s plans to usurp the throne were finally within view. The grand scheme of it all was coming together quite nicely and the pawns all seemed to be placed right where they needed to be. The only pieces in this game that had to be utterly compliant and in their perfect place was the eldest son of King Viserys, Aegon the Elder.

Otto Hightower was always a man reaching for what was far beyond his means and determined to get what he desired no matter the cost to others around him. He was set on the King dying very soon unexpectedly and his supposed heir to be left in the dark so he could crown his daughter’s son as the next era of Targaryens upon the Iron Throne. Sure, he would desire for him to be the one on the throne but a child of his child would work just as well; he just needed to rally his grandson and his filthy choices to be completely on board. 

He knew that if he was able to work the conversation the right way, he wouldn’t even need to talk to Aegon — she would just inform him and believe that it was all her idea. If it was her idea, it could be easy later on to blame any of the outcome of usurping the throne on her and all evidence of her and those things will be forever erased. Truthfully, Otto thinks that this is his best plan to date; it was almost like killing two birds with one stone and him being left unscathed as always. 

On such an eventful day, the first thing on his list of devious dues to accomplish was to find that filthy handmaid of his grandson and speak to her about ‘family’ matters. It was quite easy to find her on sunny days like this one; her and the prince had a pretty predictable schedule and have had a predictable one for quite some time. 

In the seclusion of the royal garden, his eldest grandson’s brood took their midday break and hid away from the prying eyes of the council and guards. Everyday, a small picnic was held by the handmaid after she finished her morning routine of chores considering that she still worked under the guise of being the personal handmaid to Prince Aegon even with the evidence of them being much more than employer and employee. 

It was the same image everyday; the maid sitting on the blanket watching as two small children either ate their fill or played with one another amongst the many flowers and greenery. In his eyes, Otto was sickened by the display of ignorance and the so-called “love” that was constantly masking the faces of these people. If Aegon had just set his sights on some easy noblewoman, he would be fine with bastards being born but this is a servant for Gods’ sake! It’s almost as bad as the earlier stories of the King’s brother being a repeat customer to the brothels in the Streets of Silk. 

Making his way through the gardens, the Hand found the small family’s hideaway with the children gone briefly and the maid just sitting upon the blanket laid on the grass. Absolutely perfect; right where he needed her to be. 

The sounds of his steps disturbed the soft peacefulness and the maid whipped her attention away from the rustling of flowers towards the intruder. Alarmed to find the King’s Hand, she bolted up off the ground and immediately curtsied for the man. 

With a small wave of his hand, he dismissed her out of her curtsy and began to speak in his usual arrogant way. “I have been in search of you for quite some time. A few of the other servants informed me that you would be here this afternoon.”

She was taken back briefly by Hightower’s statement at the fact he was looking for her of all people. 

“Well, I am happy to be of service to you, my Lord. What is it you will be needing to discuss?” Her voice was strong, unwavering in his presence unlike many of the other working maids. Overconfident for her status. 

“Well, the Queen and I know how close you are to the Prince and we were curious to know of how the Prince would react to being heir if the chance ever were to arise,” spoke Otto dignified, watching to see if any emotions ran across her face; none did. If anything, her face was wiped clean as a fresh slate and it was impossible for the man to find any insecurity to prey on to push forward his agenda. 

A moment passed during their staring match waiting for the other to break their mask and reveal everything. She knew a day like this would come; she wasn’t an idiot who allowed just anyone to prey upon her emotions. It was only a matter of time before she knew her husband’s grandsire would try to openly play his game; a game that she and Aegon have been planning to possibly ruin since their marriage four years ago. Now was the time to work this conversation into her favor. 

She forced a rather fake cough from her throat before she proceeded to respond to the Hand. “The possibility of the Prince becoming the Heir to the Iron Throne is not something that someone like I, would discuss as a topic with his Grace. One would think that since he is the King’s first son, that he would be optimistic about being King but, of course, I do believe that this is a matter that you should be personally discussing with him, my Lord, not with his maid. I’m sure he will greatly appreciate being approached by you about this.”

Otto heard her words as a challenge but her face and body language revealed a neutral playing field. He was hoping she was going to be much more vulnerable considering she would be in an intimate setting with those heathens that he is somehow related to. Overall, her reaction was proving to be a stark contrast to what he wanted but he could work with the fighting words that she had initiated; he had to make this work if he wanted to be successful. 

“You are very brave to speak that way to a man of status like I am. It makes you very lucky that I don’t find a reason to punish you for your tongue lashing –” 

“If you deem those words as a lashing, my Lord, then what I could say freely would be a massacre upon you,” she snarled, very quickly changing her neutrality into a look of thinly veiled anger.

“What makes you believe that you could just speak like that? There is only one thing I need you to do to make everything fall into place and you will agree to my terms, you whore!” Otto’s face grew red with his anger and he wore it very clearly on his aging face. “You will tell my grandson that he will be taking the throne when the King dies whether he wants to or not! I will not have you jeopardize everything I have done to make sure my family gets what they are owed!”

Every word was punctuated by the rough stomps encroaching on the safe space that the maid had made in the tranquil garden. Every step was like a knife slashing at delicate curtains to reveal the truth behind the fabric and it was revealing a woman determined to protect the sanctity of her family’s safety. Overall, this one sided argument was going to end disastrously for one of the two adults.

Toe to toe at each other’s neck, the opposing forces glared down the other showing the opposite ends of anger; the man had his wrath shown full force as there was no way for him to conceal it and the woman’s rage was under the tight grips of a mask with the only evidence being in the way the stars in her eyes burned like the sun. The silence was deafening between the two and all that played softly in the background was the gentle sway of the garden greenery as small bodies playfully explored through them.

Breaking the silence, she kept her eyes locked onto the Hand’s as she squared herself against his imposing form. “Only this one time will I be a brute in my words and only this once will I speak out of turn. I will not be telling Aegon to do anything that you wish for him to do. He will make that decision on his own without any outside influence and we both know of the little game you have been setting up. We are not pawns in the game for the Iron Throne. You have made yourself out to be this figure who knows the secrets of everyone you wish to manipulate and I’m sorry to tell you, my Lord, but I’m afraid you don’t know everything there is.”

Her words were like her snatching Otto’s attacking knife and burying it deep within his chest. There could be no possible way for this peasant to have secrets that he doesn’t know and this knowledge was going to bother him until he could find out what it was they were hiding from his eyes. The perturbed look on his face was enough for her to feel victorious in this small battle – a battle she felt she needed to fight considering he ruined her afternoon with her children. 

“A last few remarks before you scamper away with your tail tucked between your legs, my children will not be considered bastards by the likes of you and will forever be legally seen as the heirs of Aegon,” she spat at him as he slowly began to sulk his way back to his hermit hole. “And in your search into our secrets, you won’t know the answer until it’s far too late. Let that truth sink into your bones as it keeps you awake at night.”

The urgency of his leaving was met with the more calming presence of two young children – both with large smiles and matching appearances. Their white blonde hair glowed in the high sun illuminating small halos around their heads with eyes of shades of lavender and periwinkle. The eldest child was a boy of four name days and anyone who didn’t know better would think Aegon was turned back into a small child again. He was every bit identical to his father and such a sweet little boy to his younger sister. The youngest also has the traditional Targaryen features as does her brother but there were glimpses of her mother in her face. Aegon swore he could see the same stars in his little girl’s eyes; the same stars that burned in her mother’s. Each of these little ones resembled the very best parts of their parents regardless of the unsavory opinions other adults had about their existence.

“Muña! Muña!” the little voice from the boy burst out as the two ran towards their kneeling mother and jumped into her outstretched arms the second they were within reach. A bright smile replaced the burning glare she had earlier as she held tightly the giggling children. 

“Oh, my darlings! What have you brought for me today?” She looked down to see a small bushel of varying flowers where some still had their roots attached and dirt falling from them.

“Alysanne jiōraton rūkluni syt ao se Kepa!” exclaimed him as the little girl pushed the bundle into her mother’s hands after she released them from her comforting arms. Alysanne got flowers for you and Father. 

“Why, thank you! And thank you for helping her, Baelon,” she chuckled, giving kisses onto her children’s heads before she fully stood up and dusted herself off. “How about we pack up our picnic and go find Kepa to show him the beautiful flowers you both got. Does that sound good?”

Her words were answered in small cheers and hurrying footsteps rushing to shove the blanket and other belongings from their picnic back into the basket. Their rushing was adorable and warmed her heart as she could see how much her children loved their father and being with him. A few moments more and she joined in on their packing. 

Once they were done, she picked up the basket and shifted it to balance on her hip so she could grab the tiny, open hand of her daughter, Alysanne and have Baelon grab the other open hand placing the girl of two name days between them. The peaceful familial image glowed in the sunlight as they made their way through the garden and into the castle searching for where Aegon was at that day.

━━━━

“I received a rather pleasant visit from your grandsire earlier today,” she remarked after she closed the doors that led to the small chambers of their young children connected to their main apartment.

It took a moment for the relaxed prince sitting at his desk to process what his lovely wife said filling the air and once it clicked, his head snapped towards her form almost giving himself whiplash at the words floating. 

“Grandsire? Otto of all people visited you this afternoon?” he questioned her, shaking his head and rubbing a hand down his face before he proceeded again. “I don’t mean to question your words, my love but everyone knows that the Hightower fuck doesn’t do ‘casual’ visits with anyone unless he has an ulterior motive.”

Moving his chair out from under the desk, she placed herself into her husband’s lap and laid her head upon his shoulder resting it into his neck. He wrapped one of his arms around her waist and the other softly began to brush against the exposed skin of her arms. In the comfort of each other, they let themselves brew on the situation before they decided to speak again on it.

“I’m going to be right to assume that the reason Otto sought you out today was to discuss the succession of the throne?” Aegon whispered making sure his voice wouldn’t be heard by anyone other than the two of them.

“And you are right to assume that. He threatened to have you take the throne regardless if you had any desire for it,” she breathed out for a moment. “I don’t take too kindly to him threatening our family and insinuating our children be bastards when they were born out of love. It lit a fire within me seeing him so furious with your choices but it’s up to you what we shall do, ñuha vēzos.”

Processing everything was cumbersome and was invoking an ache in his head that would take ages to be relieved. There was so much that needed to be done and so much to be decided on. Aegon knew the basis of Otto’s goals for him to usurp the throne the moment that the King had been greeted by the Stranger but after reconnecting with Rhaenyra years ago, he had no ambitions about taking her rightful throne from her. She was named heir long before he was born and she was more fitting of the throne than he ever would be. He would be content with his life if he just stayed as Prince Aegon, Second of his Name, husband to his gorgeous handmaid and father to his beautiful children, Baelon and Alysanne. There is no need for something more when he already has everything he could possibly need right at that moment.

He breathed a deep sigh and moved to rest his head upon hers. “I know that Otto won’t stop until he gets what he wants. I am not going to jeopardize the lives of our children to play into his foolish game.”

“Well, I believe now would be the time to implement our plan before Otto’s people dig their claws into us,” she said sadly before she moved herself to stand up in between Aegon’s spread legs. “Everything shall be ready by this time tomorrow evening and we find our way to the checkpoint.”

━━━━━━━━

The deep secret that Otto had searched relentlessly about Aegon and his maid revealed itself the day of the King’s passing – three days after the literary battle in the castle garden. After the small chat that happened that night, Aegon proceeded the next day as if nothing was out of the ordinary while the maid and their children were busy packing the clothes and the few precious belongings they have obtained over the years. The basis of what they were planning consisted of themselves and very few bags strapped to the back of Sunfyre to escape from the reach of the Hightower bastard into the safety of the maid’s family who had been preparing for the day that they would possibly be homing with them.

By the very next night, Aegon had used the secret passageways throughout the day to deliver their belongings to the Dragon Pit where Sunfyre had been anxiously awaiting to spread his wings for a long journey. When the guards were changing out, the adults, each with a child in hand, made their way through the silent castle and as swiftly as they could, they made their way to Rhaenys’ Hill. In their infinite amount of time they used to plan this escape, they knew by the time anyone would come looking for them, the family would be out of King’s Landing and down by the Sea of Dorne hidden away. 

They had every little detail etched out and there was no way that anything could possibly go wrong. Once the family and its hatchlings had reached the maid’s family homestead near the Dornish marshes, Sunfyre was ordered to fly away to the Dragon Pit – not to arouse any suspicions – or head to Dragonstone with the dragons that reside there freely. The family would then live as if they had always been there and Aegon would assume himself under a nickname with his Targaryen hair hidden as a dark, muddy brown; the child’s hair would also be dyed the same color. After enough time hidden away, the few who had to dye their hair could either keep dying it or allow for the dye to fade away back to their beautiful silvery blonde.

Everything was in place and it was working out fantastically.

━━━━━━━━

With Aegon missing and Otto having Aemond to assume his place on the Iron Throne, it caused a slight uproar by the people. Many would never want a woman to sit upon the throne and rule the Seven Kingdoms but the Greens lost many of their supporters when Prince Aemond was going to rule instead of Prince Aegon. Why would people support the second son as he has no real claim to the throne unlike the first born or the first son? 

Even with the few who didn’t support a woman ruling, Rhaenyra had more of a claim than her second half-brother. The small council gathering following the death had convinced the Queen that Rhaenyra would kill her siblings in cold blood as a way to assert herself in her rightful place after being named heir years prior. Of course, for a woman riddled with anxiety and paranoia, she agreed once again to her father’s nefarious plans even though there was an inkling of doubt deep within her chest. Prince Aemond then usurped the throne the days following the King’s passing thus starting the Dance of the Dragons. 

While civil war broke out, Aegon lived happily with his growing family in the marshes spending his days working tirelessly with the family he married into and it was everything he could dream of. He thought he was happy living within the Red Keep with their secret little family but freely being able to love his children and his wife made life so much more worth living. It was everything and more being who he wanted to be without the pressures of being a royal.

Though there was distance between him and his birth family, Aegon still loved them all and wished things would work out after hearing the news of what transpired since he left. Frequently, he wrote to Rhaenyra to quietly show his support as a way of paying her back for helping him years prior but he also wrote to Aemond, telling him in detail that Otto should not have played with Targaryen fire and that he should not listen to his ideas unless he is wishing to die by his hand. It hurt him seeing so much turmoil again after the night Aemond claimed Vhagar and his wife could see it deeply bothered him when they would break for the day.

Corresponding between the warring sides of the Greens and the Blacks, Aegon did the only thing he could think of without getting himself killed – offer refuge for his nephews and niece so they would be spared from the carnage that could outbreak. Without hesitation, Helaena sent her children to the safety of the marshes before the cruelty of war could take them from this plane of life. As if they were on the same wavelength, Rhaenyra sent her youngest children to stay until further notice with the oldest being sent periodically. As payment for acting as a refuge and caring for all the children, eggs of Syrax were sent as Rhaenyra believed every Targaryen child was deserving of an egg to hatch or a dragon to claim.

It all was painful to watch as that messed up family was being ripped apart but, how could he not be grateful for finally experiencing something so pure after so long?

His little family that he created, the relationships that he has made with his birth family and the one he married into and the dragons that he bonded to and raised. That all made this life meaningful and brought him true happiness.

taglist

@shesjustanothergeek

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@fan-goddess

@imsolence

@audigay

@neenieweenie

@whodis-26

@hnslchw

[daftdrac]

Hey scenario smp fans uh

May I give you: my lore / world building headcanons .

So all the people who don't have a consistent skin/any actual features to their skin (Robert, Sean, Sneve, Ryan(?)) are shape shifters. Is this lazy? 100% but I think it's fun, actually, so fuck you<3

UNDER THE CUT !!!!! This is a bit of a read ,,.

Shape shifters in the scenario universe are commonly regarded as types of demons in majority of cultures- usually symbolizing lies, deceit, trickery- the devil has a handsome face, after all. So often times, shape shifters, when they meet, will form nomadic groups- moving from place to place to avoid persecution when found out. This leads to groups of shifters being extremely close, as they really only have each other to live and socialize with.

Shape shifters are the result of extreme cases of spontaneous gene mutation- you can't predict when a child will end up being a shape shifter. This results in tests around the fourth/fifth grade, on the children's first day of school, in attempts to catch shape shifters early before they can gain the power to fully control their abilities. Obviously, every shapeshifter child who is found, is- disposed of.

Sean, as a child, was much more capable with his abilities at a younger age (for reasons I won't get into right now:3), and swiftly learned how to hide them and act normal when the school first started to mention shifters and their 'demonic capabilities.' Robert, born in the same town just a few months after, didn't happen to get so "lucky" (hehehe).

When doing tests on the children as they were readying to enter the 5th grade, Robert was found out. Having not had much control over his abilities and not connecting his own symptoms to the idea of being a shape shifter, he had no idea what was going on, and was surprised when Sean, a strange boy who seemed to be somewhat of an outcast, started dragging him away from the staff- who seemed to be pursuing them like criminals.

He wasn't a criminal, was he? Had he done something wrong? He didn't think so. But they were scaring him, so he turned and ran with Sean.

They made it to a fourth-grade classroom, and opened a window. Sean tugged him out of it, repeating "Trust me," like a mantra to sooth Robert.

As soon as he started to fall, he felt himself change, a familiar tingly feeling washing over his entire body as he quickly realized he wasn't falling anymore. He glanced to his side, and saw a human sized bird (-or was he bird sized..?) gliding next to him, the tips of their wings just barely touching. That's when he noticed he had wings- he was a freaking bird.

Robert had heard about their town's out case, living on the very edge of the village, avoiding the rest of the town members. He'd never seen them, until now. He'd let the bird, who he'd managed to put together was Sean, lead him, and that's where they ended up.

Before he knew it, he and Sean were off. Just the two of them, traveling together.

OKAY THAT'S THE MAIN BACKSTORY I HAVE ACTUALLY WRITTEN OUT RN. I HAVE VAGUE IDEAS FOR EVERYONE ELSES STORIES AND HOW THEY COME INTO CONTACT EITH THE GROUP. I MAINLY HAVE IDEAS FOR SNEVE (Shape shifter), SHADOW (Human→weird human experiment guy), AND LEGUNDO (Human guy.. with an UNNAMED TWIST HEHEHEH. I'm still not revealing some of the ideas I have for this.) BUT IF ANYONE ELSE HAS ANY IDEAS OR SOMETHING RELATED TO KIP (HUMAN) OR RYAN (SHAPE SHIFTER) I'D LOVE TO HEAR THEM.

[vally-vall-vall]

Hello, Forgive me for spamming your blog. I saw your pfp was tfp megatron and then realized your blog was as high quality as the pfp. 👌

My ask is whats your fave transformer and from what universe?

Ah, no worries! I'm glad to hear my blog is filled with scrumptious content! About who is my favourite tansformer. Well, it would be easier to answer who isn't my favourite ifbvkdjfv

I'm a TFP girlie through and through. Prime has been my comfort show since like 2011 and I continue to rewatch it year after year even now. I have indulged in other Transformers media, too, most notably the Bay movies, War for Cybertron, Robots in Disguise and the OG series, tho nothing would come even close to my love for TFP. I truly do think this is the best Transformers incarnation in franchise ever created.

About the fav character (aside from the obvious picks like Optimus and Megatron), this is mega hard for me because all of them are so good dfhvbihvfb. I think I could narrow it down to a few, neither is placed higher or lower than the other because I love them all for different reasons.

Ratchet. Absolutely love this grumpy old fart. He's what started my love for the "grumpy character who pretends they don't care but actually care A LOT" character archetype. He's everything I love and nothing I don't, plus I do think that Jeffrey Combs was made to be his VA in a similar way Robert Downey jr. was born to play Iron Man

Starscream. I will be honest, it actually took me some time before I started to like his character instead of just seeing him as an annoying bootlicker. I mean, he's still an annoying bootlicker, but I came to enjoy him! OG Starscream walked so TFP Starscream could run. He's all of his old traits but amplified and made better. His scheeming, cunning nature, inability to shut up to the point the show itself calls him out for it (Operation Bumblebee) but at the same time, he's a pathetic coward. A wet cat of a man, soggy af. I do think if the show came out in recent years that tumblr would have a field day with him. 10/10 I miss Starscreams like him

Smokescreen. This may or may not be a hot take because he's apparently pretty unpopular with the fandom?? At least he was in like 2012-2015 when I was most active in the fandom. I actually really do enjoy his recklessness and immaturity, it makes him feel more like a youngster that's yet to see the horrors of war. I love how quickly he grows throughout the episodes when he comes to realise their fight isn't about personal glory, it's about survival and about doing what is right. 9/10 because I hate the updated painjob he got in season 3

Miko. Also kind of a hot take, since she seems to be the least favourite among the kid trio. I gotta be honest, TFP is the only Transformers incarnation where I actually like the human companions, and Miko I love the most. She's reckless and bold and immature, like any "punk" teenager of her age would be, and I also absolutely adore the bond she has with Bulkhead.

KnockOut. My first ever experience with a character that was so violently queer-coded it rearanged by neural pathways. Loved him since his very first scene. The sass, the execution, his mad doctor persona, obsession with looks, surprisingly scheeming nature, he's just so full of personality. I also love how he's actually canonically married to BreakDown. My only gripe with the character is that I wished he was depicted to mourn BreakDown more instead of, like, just mentioning he's annoyed that he now has nobody to buff him. But also this was a pre-Steven Universe show back when queer characters weren't as prominent in kids media, so I get why it wasn't implimented. I'm still salty about it though

Arcee. Arcee I had to grow to love, and it didn't happen until several years after the show has ended. At the start, I found her to be a deeply unenjoyable character, grumpy and cold and dismissive towards everyone (and especially Jack) and not in the fun way Ratchet was. However, as I aged, I came to realise that she's not just being an asshole, she's grieving. This is one of the key reasons why I love TFP. It tackles serious topics like death and grief very well for an animated kids show that was mostly made to promote a toy brand, and Arcee's character really shines here. I deeply enjoy seeing her come out of her shell after Cliffjumper's death and slowly form a deep loving bond not only with Jack, but with everyone else too. Also how she helps Miko out with her own grief after Bulkhead gets seriously injured. You know what that is? Growth. Nothing but growth and healing for my sassy two-wheeler.

"Funny. At first I never thought I'd get used to Cliff's constant chatter. But now? Now there's nothing louder to me than the silence."

Bro, this sentence is burned into my memory. Forever. It altered my brain chemisty, I swear. Arcee and her grief over Cliff and Tailgate are so well portrayed and it makes one of the best written characters on the show and I will die on this hill!!

[couchcandy]

Psych x Community ??

I love psych and i love community so this vague concept of them existing in the same universe has been floating around in my head. 

The key connecting factor being the references to Shawn/Britta’s similarly eclectic off-screen pasts. They're close in age so I'm like okay - it would totally be possible for them to have known eachother/dated/whatever at some point before. 

psych aired from 2006 - 2014; Shawn born 1977

community aired from 2009 -2014; Britta born 1980

(Take these two quotes just as an example but it's referenced casually throughout both shows)

Britta’s Dad: I mean, every time we get too close, you run off. We sent you a birthday card to your apartment in New York, and the next week you’re setting fire to a Jamba Juice in San Jose.

Britta: How long is that gonna stick with me?

Britta’s Mom: Until arson is legal, sweetie.

Gus: Shawn, you’ve had fifty-seven jobs since we left high school.

Shawn: Yes I have. And they were all fun. But this one takes the cake.

Gus: Oh yeah? Better than the acupuncture clinic?

Shawn: I didn’t realize experience was necessary.

Gus: What about the summer you spent driving the weiner mobile?

Shawn: I did that for the hot dogs.

I think they fit somewhere in the ballpark of each other's types, both sluts(affectionate) and it makes sense for them to have crossed paths at some point during Britta's “anhercists” days. 

So that establishes a link between the groups, but what would it be like if they interacted? Take the arbitrary scenario; Shawn and Gus have gotten themselves and by extension the SBPD into another whacky shenanigan somehow who cares how i'm not writing this

I imagine initially everyone in the study group has a more or less positive impression of Shawn because he's charming, (with the notable exception of…you got it! Jeff)

JEFF

In typical jeff fashion is immediately threatened by Shawn because he has to be the coolestmostlikeabledude™ in the room at all times while simultaneously has to act like he doesn't care so he's quietly seething and - hey what's this new dude doing here making all my friends laugh that's my job! i must now make it my life's mission to prove this guys a fraud and reclaim my status no matter how much a fool i make of myself in the process (a la: advanced documentary filmmaking)

BRITTA

Normal standard “hey old friend” situation, remember when we *insane thing involving multiple felonies and property destruction* haha anyway let me introduce you to my friends - 

ANNIE

immediate skepticism that Shawn is able to sidestep pretty quickly by being charming/flirty (NOT in a gross way *hisses at the jeffannie shippers*) Her reaction being like when the dean “swaps bodies with jeff” or after abed’s don draper impression.

ABED

Knows Shawn isn't really psychic but goes along with it/doesn’t point out that Shawn’s hyper observant because he's invested in watching the psychic/cop show formula play out. He would! and I would too!

(quote from 5x03 Basic Intergluteal Numismatics):

Abed Nadir: [Pretending to read the crime scenes as a psychic] I see a man... using a social disorder as a procedural device. Wait, wait, wait, I see another man. Mildly autistic super detectives everywhere.

TROY

Obligatory: “you’re wrinkling my brain right now” and just general fascination, awe, and wonderment. Asks Shawn to tell him his future

SHIRLEY

Immediate judgment on Shawn's practices not being christian enough for her standards, but easily swayed to liking him once he picks up on something and comments on her ex husband being an idiot to lose her or something

PEIRCE

Does his peirce thing and tries to seem impressive and fails, something level five laser lotus blah blah - u get it thats enough on him 

THE DEAN

Is facilitating the psych crew being there because it might bring in good press for greendale and he def does the hand on shoulder thing when he meets him you know the one - omg and totally is into Lassiter furrowed brows “im packing heat” Carlton, please. – lassie is Not Amused™ 

CHANG

This depends on what point in community canon this interaction takes place because season 1 chang would prob be normal(for him), but like season 5 Chang would do/say something so insane and so chang that i can't even come up with it

As for our psych guys, Gus points out how weird and fucked up and bizarre Greendale is meanwhile Shawn is LIVING for it - signs them up for the Dean’s PA announcements class, and “Gus! buddy! I hope you don't mind. I used your credit card to sign us up for The History of Ice Cream. Come on, it starts in 20 minutes ! :D” Gus: “Shawn! >:0”

Lassie would just nonstop point out all the health and safety violations- he doesn't want to be here- calls a lot of people hippies, generally grumpy demeanor and we love him for it.

Starburns terribly hits on Jules - gets rejected, proceeds to try and sell her drugs - gets arrested.

[themagnusbane]

I swear, in all these Only Friends discourse that has been raging since the finale dropped on Saturday, I wonder if anyone actually took a second to be like: this story is being told through the eyes of 20-21 year old college students. They are the mouthpiece through which this story is being narrated. Is it possible therefore that their age, their lack of experience, their slightly sheltered lives, might play a role in how they navigate their friendships, the world at large and how they react?

Like @jojotichakorn has started several times, and I agree a 100%; this story isn’t a morality lesson. Nobody is saying casual sex bad. You are evil if you’re non-monogamous. Blah blah blah. As a graysexual polyam person who just uses the term queer cuz it’s easier than me having a 30 mins convo with a stranger about my orientation and how everything intersects for me, this show was everything. Cuz PEOPLE ARE MESSY! People are messy and judgemental and annoying. Just because they’re queer doesn’t mean they WON’T be messy. I was especially a fucking shithead at 21. Hell, I was a virgin until I turned 22 (not quite as sanctimonious as Mew, thank SPIRIT!!). Who I am now at 33 is vastly different from who I was over a decade ago. I moved out at 22. Been living on my own for that time. The person I am today is a product of all I have seen and experienced. I lost the black and white lens through which I viewed the world, in that period of time.

And you know what? I do feel that these kids (cuz they are kids to me. I haven’t sat in a university class in almost 13 years 🤷🏾‍♀️), will grow, and learn and evolve. Boston I think will do fantastically well in New York. He will continue to come into his own. Will figure out what kind of relationships work best for him (both in regards to his friendships and his sexual and romantic—if he wants any—relationships), and he will thrive.

Mew will eventually get that stick out of his arse and get off his high horse. He will realize that people are messy, imperfect, and make mistakes, and that he too is flawed. And that is okay. That he doesn’t need to be burdened to replicate the perfect home life he had with his mothers. That hell, just because he fancies himself better than others, doesn’t mean that he isn’t as capable of the depraved things the human mind can conjure up 🤷🏾‍♀️.

Ray will probably battle with his addiction all his life. Will realize that battling addiction is a life-long process. Will lean on the support he has. Will probably learn to forgive his mum, and come to terms with her frailty as a human being, and what that meant with regards her suicide. He will also probably let himself admit that as much as he loved her, and wanted her to hold him and love him, he is justifiably angry at her that she did neither of those things, and then left him. He will probably confront his dad about the role he played, and didn’t play in all of this. He might decide to break up with Sand later. And they will still be good friends. Or Sand might be that ex he hasn’t spoken to in years, yet he still thinks of and smiles when he hears I Wanna Be Yours.

Same goes for Sand, and Top and Nick as well.

And who knows, at some point Cheum might realize that she can be quite the shitty friend. That she’s been a shitty friend. She might reach out to her now former friends, and honestly sincerely apologize. Or not. That’s another thing. Some people take forever to grow. And some don’t learn a lick from their experiences. And when time has passed and they looked back at all their burned bridges and try to reconnect, they are left with hands fluttering in the wind, and everyone they love out of reach 🤷🏾‍♀️.

But yeah. I don’t know about y’all. Maybe you were well adjusted uni students who were always right and knew the right words to say, and didn’t fuck up every other Saturday, and whose lives were peachy. But I was a dumbass, making dumbass choices, being a sanctimonious dumbass, and being an absolute menace. And that was how I watched the show. Knowing that this is a story of these kids, told to us by THESE kids. P’Jojo was just the conduit for their story. But it is ultimately THEIRS. I just watched it for them. Not for any moral lessons (this isn’t a parable or a fable. And I say this as someone who has been fascinated by mythology since I was 7), but to be entertained by the lives of these messy kids, crash-figuring their way to adulthood, and thanking the universe that my early 20s are way behind me, cuz fucking hell. That era of my life was some shit-show!

[kuwdora]

January Posting Meme

January 2 - What was the first vid you made? What drew you to vid it, do you still follow the fandom, etc. -@colls

Happy birthday colls!

Vid nostalgia time, thank you for this prompt.

My very first vid - Ameno - 2007. Stargate Atlantis.

I made my first vid in 2007 with iMovie. Stargate Atlantis, an ensemble vid about the Ancients. It’s titled “Ameno” by eRa and has chanty vocals that made me think of the Ancients/Lanteans in the Pegasus Galaxy. We were about… what 3 seasons into SGA at that time? Stargate SG-1 was my first internet fandom and SGA fandom in its heyday was certainly an Experience so I was in deep. I voraciously read all the fic back then, participated in the communities, wrote some crossover SGA/SG1 fic here and there. So once I started playing around with iMovie and got an external hard drive it seemed pretty natural for me to try and make a Stargate Atlantis vid.

Several years prior I remember my friend thelinz had sent me a bunch of SG-1 fanvids on CD-ROM that I became obsessed with. I knew I wanted to make Stargate vids. Of course I just had to go and use a song without discernible lyrics and try to tell a story about the Ancients/Lanteans. A people who were almost always featured subtextually and mostly as their tech being a macguffin of sorts for the protagonists to deal with. In my head a Narrative made a lot more sense while I was making it but I was still left rather unsatisfied by the end. But I am very proud of it—especially as a first vid. It’s very interesting to see how my eye for kinetic movement works with the musicality of the song as my first vid. And how I refined that over the years.

As for still following the fandom? It’s in my bones, it’s always there. So many of my fandom friends and I started there. Sometimes I go back and reread old SGA flashfic entries.

I do follow a few Stargate SG-1 and Stargate Atlantis tags on tumblr which has been an interesting time observing that. Mostly on account of folks remarking on Jack and Daniel’s ages (they are too Old). Or how some people have said that Rodney McKay would have Done Numbers on tumblr if the show was airing now and that people should really watch SGA for him. Which just is, you know. Makes me want to pull out that Aslan meme “I was there” old magics etc, since Rodney McKay Was Everywhere, fanon ran with wild abandon and then some while others did slow laps in their own slash and rare-pair niches. But this is part of growing older in fandom, you were there for that history (and all the various wank, which is what it was called and not Discourse).

Anyway. I was never quite satisfied with Ameno. But I went on to make dozen more vids after it with iMovie until I got a Final Cut Edit license. And I came across a song during a summer job and realized the vibe+lyrics…that song was the Ancient Vid I was trying to make the first time around but didn’t manage. And listening to the song I realized I didn’t have the vidding skills yet to pull it together. Very overwhelmed by the idea. I spent 5 years listening and mentally putting it together in my head while casually rewatching here and there. Which is how I managed to make High Voltage - one of the vids I’m most proud of for narrative, structural and thematic reasons.

High Voltage which someone actually made a Fanlore entry about it!

High Voltage which was selected at Vividcon 2011 for In Depth Vid Review where people spent a good chunk of time discussing it in an in-person group setting. Folks who had never seen Stargate Atlantis or SG-1 or Stargate Universe even said they were very impressed and intrigued with the vid because it looked like nothing they’ve ever seen from Stargate vids before. And those who knew the shows inside and out, who knew the fic, who had meta discussions about it every week, everyone there when another surface-level, shoddily executed storyline rolled out. They saw my vid, too, they saw it and got it. It was really, really incredible experience to get that kind of feedback and realize that so many picked up what I was laying down.

Beatrice Otter wrote a lovely fancake rec for it in 2022 — 11 years after it premiered! A rec I have screencapped and saved in my happy folder to look at when I’m feeling down.

I elaborated a little more about my vidding process and reception of the vid on tumblr

So Ameno is my very first vid that I was VERY proud of but still wanted to go and “do over”/“do again” because it didn’t feel quite right. That foundation and growth lead to High Voltage. :)

I highly recommend anyone who wants to make a fix-it to an old fanwork of theirs to do go ahead and do it and see how it feels. You never know where it might lead.

January Posting Meme - claim a date! Send me any kind of prompt!

[topazadine]

Mistakes I Made When Self-Pubbing My First Book (Part 3: Ads and Reviews Edition)

Ah, we have arrived at the final part of my self-own, provided in excruciating detail for your viewing pleasure. Part 1 (mindset) and Part 2 (presentation) are here if you missed them.

This time, we will discuss some of the most critical parts of marketing for self-pubbed authors: reviews. And advertising. But mostly reviews.

Failing to build hype ahead of time

I discussed this a bit in Part 1 of my self-excoriation, but it's so important to start telling people about your work before you're ready to publish.

I kind of just didn't talk about my work with anyone before it was published except for my family, so no one knew I was even doing anything. This make it extremely difficult to get anyone interested when I dropped the book because they weren't primed to look for it.

Paying for Amazon Ads

Most self-pubbed authors warn you not to spend any money on Amazon Ads, Facebook Ads, etc, until you have at least three books out. There are a few good reasons for this.

When you don't have any other products to buy, readers will forget to follow up on you.

People are likely to buy all your books in one fell swoop if they liked the first one, meaning you'll get more sales for each click.

When you are likely to make multiple sales from every click, you can bid higher than if your profit margins are for only one book.

For example, assume that Author 1 has only one book and makes $5 from each one. Author 2 has five books and makes $5 from each one.

Author 1 is going to bid low, like $0.22 per click, and set a lower advertising budget of like $50 a month. Most of those clicks will not convert, so they may spend $50 to get only three sales, each for $5. They have spent $50 to make $15 and are now $35 in the negative.

Author 2 can potentially make $25 per click (5 sales). Author 2 can set a much higher budget and bid much higher than Author 1. I won't bother doing the math because it's pretty self-explanatory.

I did spend money on Amazon Ads for my first book because I assumed I was the special snowflake who would do well. I got like 1 sale from the whole campaign before I realized that was stupid and canceled it.

For Pride Before a Fall, I will not be spending any money on ads except for soliciting ARCs once. (Advance Reader Copies will be opening up on November 7, 2024, just for your information.) The rest will all come from meee, baybay!

Chasing trends in my advertising

The problem with advertising trends is that people get sick of them very quickly.

I made a trope page and a ton of people complained about it, saying they were boring and that the very existence of said trope page made them not want to read the book.

That's their right; everyone is entitled to their opinion, and I am not owed sales. But it also made me realize I should just do marketing that resonates with me rather than chasing trends.

Someone also whined about using the word "queer" and saying that it is a slur, which surprised me. I mean, yes, historically it has been a slur, but many people self-identify as queer, myself included. It's been pretty thoroughly reclaimed.

Given Tumblr's younger age range, I didn't expect someone would get that pissy about the term "queer." But I also think a lot of people just like to be haters, and they will shit on anything they think could be even mildly problematic.

Regardless, it did make me aware that I should not assume that my experiences with terms like "queer" are universal. Since that I write LGBT fantasy (I call it queer fantasy, and I have the right to do that because they are my books), I have to be more mindful of how the rest of the community may perceive these things.

Buying a review from an influencer

So, firstly, a caveat.

Buying a review from an influencer is not the same as buying reviews on Amazon. That is a MASSIVE no-no. If you do that, you can very well be banned from the platform. Do not ever, ever do that.

The Amazon reviews and ratings for 9 Years Yearning are completely real and I had absolutely no hand in their creation. I just want to emphasize that.

However ....

This specific review, which is hosted on a separate site, was purchased; as in, I paid for someone to give me some visibility on their site.

If you look through that site, you'll notice that all the books get 5 star reviews. Even the super weird out-there conspiracy theory ones. That's another warning sign.

I spent a chunk of money on this, so I assumed I'd get at least some ROI.

None. I got none. I cannot track any purchases coming from that review at all.

She also made me a TikTok video which got like 9 views. The woman claims to have thousands of follows, but I got almost no engagement from it at all. And certainly no sales.

Spend as little money as possible on your book and commit to doing most of the marketing yourself if you are self-pubbed. You need to build a brand first before you dump money into your book.

Not running an ARC campaign first

Reviews are critical to visibility on Amazon. The algo works so that the more reviews you have, the more Amazon wants to recommend your book to people, even if you are not paying for ads.

It doesn't even matter if they are bad reviews; Amazon does not take the star rating into account when decided which books are getting popular. You can have 1000 honest 1-star reviews and get more of a boost than if you have three honest 5-star reviews.

The problem is that most consumers are not aware of this. Even though 95% of consumers read reviews before purchase, there's a disconnect between how many want reviews and how many bother to leave them.

In fact, only 5-10% of customers will leave a review on any given product, no matter how many times the company chases them down and begs them to review.

But you need those reviews. One of the best ways to get them without resorting to deceptive means is to run an Advance Reader Copy campaign.

On platforms like Booksprout (what I use), you provide a fee and upload a free copy of the book. You're not paying for the reviews itself, but for the platform soliciting potential readers and managing your campaign for you. The platform then advertises the free copy to potential readers who want free books and are willing to leave some sort of review on it.

Now, the nice thing about Booksprout is that it hounds ARC reviewers on your behalf so that you're not sending out emails to dozens of people, reminding them to uphold their end of the bargain. It will punish freeloaders who constantly sign up for copies and then don't submit a review, and it also puts watermarks on your document so that people can't pirate it.

I did not solicit any reviews for 9 Years Yearning before release, and I got very few reviews as a result. The ones I have are wonderful, of course, but having only 7 reviews (as of writing this) does not boost visibility much.

Thankfully, I've learned from my mistake and am running an ARC campaign for Pride Before a Fall, the second installment.

Not continually soliciting reviews

Being stupid, I did not realize just how important reviews are for visibility, so I didn't continually ask for them at first, and so my first readers never thought to leave one.

Since I haven't sold many books, each one of those was a serious missed opportunity that I can never get back; few people are going to go back and review a book they read months ago because they've moved on to new things.

Now I am being much more aggressive with my review solicitation. I updated 9 Years Yearning to include a page like this ....

... and will be including similar verbiage in the rest of the series as well.

This would seem weird if it were included in a tradpub book, but self-pub is different. Since we're doing things all by ourselves, we're allowed to take a few liberties that tradpub authors cannot, and we shouldn't waste that opportunity.

While Amazon does provide a popup asking people to leave a review when they are done, having a personal CTA from the author is more effective. I know this because I'm more likely to leave a review when I see a page like this, and I am sure that other readers are the same.

Thing I Did Right: Ignoring unsolicited book review offers on social media

If you post about your book on platforms like Twitter, you will inevitably get messages like this:

I've also gotten messages from Book Sirens (competitor to Booksprout, which is what I use) and random marketing firms like this:

... Which is written in horrible English, kind of a warning sign.

You will get many of these, and all of them are bullshit. They want to sell you some scammy promo package that may have absolutely no return on investment. These packages can be hundreds or even thousands of dollars, but they don't always work.

Now, I do pay for access to Booksprout, which is about $90 a year for the cheapest package. This allows you to solicit up to 25 ARCs for one book at a time, though you can pay for more ARC access if you choose.

But Booksprout never reached out to me; I found out about them through my own research on which platforms have the best bang for your buck. (NetGalley, for the record, is absolutely not worth your money because it is geared toward publishers, not self-pub authors. Don't waste your cash on that.)

At first, I sniffed around these messages and asked questions about what their process was. Either the messenger shut up or they eagerly told me how much it would cost, at which time I terminated the discussion.

Unless you seek out a product, or the person proposes a trade for you upfront, ignore these messages. Companies so desperate for money that they start harassing randos are not going to offer you good service.

You may also get weird messages from people if you advertise your book on Facebook through private groups, so turn off your DMs so no one except your friends list can message you.

Ahhhhh, don't we all feel so much better now that we know what not to do? I sure do. I'm revved up and ready to go for Pride Before a Fall, arriving Jan 1, 2024.

All these marketing errors? I will banish them with my next book. I will do better. My writing is solid, and now I just need to accent it with more focus on the business side. We can get this done, lads.

So, if you have gotten any value out of this post, be sure to check out The Eirenic Verses on Amazon. It's a 10 part series (well, more like 10-and-a-half, but that's a special tool we'll be explaining later) so there's PLENTY to love.

The entire series will frolic through a variety of subgenres, including romance, family drama, thriller, and adventure. If you don't like the weather in this book, wait 6 months and you'll see an entirely different side.

While all the books are interconnected, they have been crafted so that you can truly pick it up anywhere and understand the plot. However, those noble readers who start from the beginning will appreciate the subtle interweaving of themes and an overlaying masterplot that hides throughout the series.

I'm delighted to share my brainchild with you, and I hope you'll give it a go.

And if you'd like some more freebies before you commit, that's fine.

I have a masterlist of writing posts that you can access right now, all for free.

It's the culmination of over 15 years of experience, two degrees, and 5 years tutoring young writers, sharing everything I know so that you, too, can begin your writing journey. I want you to succeed!

[shslskaterboy]

Hey bestie tell me more about that phantom theives band au👀

(^is enabling again)

Oh my god Al. My best friend Al. I have so many thoughts this is gonna be such an essay I hope you’re Fuckin ready

No seriously this got so long it's basically the bones of a fic, but uh, I'm kind obsessed with it so here we are

First of all, it’s an aged up non-metaverse au, so everyone is like 23~ give or take. Akira, Ann, Yusuke, Haru, Makoto and human Morgana all met in university, Ryuji is childhood friends with Ann, and Futaba met the rest of them through her adoptive brother Akira, and Akechi is the ex-boyfriend that no one ever talks about.

The band consists of singer/front man Akira who does the song writing. He was one of those child prodigy musicians who primarily played piano and violin, but taught himself guitar despite his parents aversion to his favourite genre (which is emo-punk bc it’s not a true James hc without some MCR influence.) The first beginnings of the band were him and Futaba as teenagers since she also played the keyboard, but the Phantoms would not be a realized dream until he met the rest of them in uni.

He meets Morgana and Ann first, the former who can play guitar, and the latter who knows absolutely everyone. When Akira floats the idea of wanting to form a band, Ann is more than happy to rally up her friends Makoto, Haru, and Mishima to fill the spots of bass, second guitar, and drums. Things actually come together very well at first, they start simple with practices and small shows at Crossroads (Akira works nights there and Lala-chan is very supportive of his endeavours) and eventually they start to be able to handle more complex songs. Haru becomes truly incredible at absolutely shredding, Makoto is the pinnacle of sexy bass-player coolness, and Akira is more confident than ever in his songwriting. They even end up commissioning their friend Yusuke to make posters and design a logo for them (he would've done it for free since he was hanging out anyways, but they insisted on compensating him properly)

Unfortunately there is one person who is not very confident, and Mishima ends up quitting the band because he’s worried he’ll weigh them down, leaving them with a rather open gaping hole to fill. The Phantoms have become fairly well established at this point and are pretty popular among the other university students, leaving Akira very worried about finding an adequate replacement- and none of the people they audition seem to be able to keep up.

Luckily, Ann knows a guy.

Akira is hesitant because this guy apparently has no experience playing in a band and is totally self taught, but Ann swears up and down that he’s really good and “please Kira just give him a chance, what’s the worst that can happen?” And so he eventually caves and agrees to have the guy try out, assuming that it will end up in failure just like all the others.

Enter Ryuji Sakamoto to the chat. He’s loud, he’s energetic, he’s covered in tattoos and piercings, he’s arguably obnoxious, and Akira doesn’t want to be impressed but he absolutely is. Ryuji surpasses all his expectations and it drives him fucking crazy because he shouldn’t be this good and yet. And Yet.

So he begrudgingly agrees to have Ryuji join them for their next practice, and decides to throw all of their most complicated songs at him. Make or break. Sink or swim. Either way he’s determined to push Ryuji hard until he cracks and crumbles under the pressure, ultimately proving Akira correct.

What he does not account for is Ryuji’s incredible stubbornness and determination, pushing him to outlast and out-perform each and every time without fail, even in the face of the rather tense relationship building between them.

Or at least Ryuji thinks it's tense, but Akira is starting to crumble himself, and although he is loathe to admit it, their new drummer is growing on him.

Of course in this au Akira is autistic (bc again it wouldn't be a James hc otherwise) and communication is not his strong suit, so he expresses himself in the only way he knows how, which is music. He writes the songs himself and is usually the one choosing which ones they're going to play, and the ones he picks become gradually more emotional and personal to him in hopes that Ryuji is paying attention.

The culmination of this being when Ryuji overhears Makoto questioning his song choices, saying "but don't you think the new guy..." and assumes (understandably so) that they're still questioning his abilities to keep up. He confronts Akira about it, only to be told "you know I write these all myself right? So listen and maybe you'll learn something."

Ryuji ends up feeling awfully foolish when the song ends up being about deeply personal struggles, but Akira doesn't hold it against him- instead inviting him out for ramen after practice so they can have a real conversation that doesn't involve them bitching at each other. He apologizes for being so standoffish, and explains the autism that went undiagnosed for so long, and the fact that his parents kicked him out when he was 16 because they found out he was gay- which is what lead to Sojiro adopting him.

In turn, Ryuji tells him about his father and the Kamoshida incident (resolved in a non-metaverse way obv) and a new understanding is formed between them, which eventually paves the way to a budding friendship. They bond over shared taste in music, video games, anime, the works, and the band becomes stronger than ever.

And it isn't long before group hangouts become one-on-one hangouts. They'll get takeout and go back to Ryuji's apartment to play games- Ryuji always drives and always makes a point of opening the door for Akira- and each time they'll stay together a little later, and linger a little longer in the car before saying goodbye.

The rest of the gang is understandably intrigued by this turn of events, especially since Akira hasn't seriously shown interest in anyone since his big breakup, but Ann The Matchmaker is confident that she can give them both the push they need to take the leap. Ryuji is skeptical about her insistence that he absolutely 100% does have a shot with Akira, meanwhile Akira has come to terms with his feelings for Ryuji but does not know how to express them, so he does what any reasonable person would do: get everyone to go drinking and dancing so he can have a very convenient excuse to get very close. He even remembers to put the snake bites in for this one

(spoiler alert, his plan absolutely works and he does not wake up in his own bed the next day)

And then things are good because of course they are. They're the sun and moon, adhd/autism, they balance each other out, they respect each other, they bring out the best in one another, and for the first time in over a year Akira feels totally at ease.

But of course we have to have an obligatory "oops we ran into your ex-boyfriend in public and now he knows you have a new boyfriend and is being weird about it" scene, where Akechi susses out their relationship and proceeds to be a massive bitch about it. Of course all of it is ire directed at Ryuji and his general appearance/demeanor, which doesn't really bother him because fuck it, he managed to get through high school and is okay now, why would he care what some pompous twink has to say about him? Akira on the other hand is not having it, and Ryuji has to interject before they can have a full-on argument in public.

This run-in prompts Akira to actually talk about his relationship with Akechi- something that he had never done before- and in doing so can finally come to terms with how much it really affected him, and gain some semblance of closure. (Perhaps I will talk about the Akechi relationship in a different post so that this one doesn't end up being 800 miles long)

In the end, this is all a very long and elaborate pegoryu story that I haven't really thought of a proper end for, and was entirely inspired by me listening to music whilst walking my dog and going "ough but imagine emo Akira" which became "imagine emo Akira singing." That coupled with the fact that Ryuji is the most drummer ever, and I found myself with a recipe for a delightful daydream that became so wild the more scenes I imagined and wrote in my head.

Maybe one day I'll try and turn this into something, or at least just a collection of scenes ranging from fluff to angst to, uh, other, if I'm feeling really crazy about it, but yeah, long story short I am absolutely buckwild insane about them and I think about this a lot

[tcookies777]

Life update - returning to college and how it feels as an older student

First off, for any new TAOL readers here, welcome! Thank you for your comments and for investing so much of your time in binging The Anatomy of Love. I just want to apologize again, to both older and newer readers, for my agonizingly slow comment moderation and my lack in replies. I'm not ignoring your comment out of maliciousness or anything like that - I just lack the time and mental energy but that is not to say I don't appreciate your support!

As many of you who've read my previous post and/or chapter ANs are aware of, I've returned to university to finish my 2nd degree. English/literature had always been a great passion of mine but not the most practical career path for me, so I had to quit it in my youth.

Years later, I'm finally pursuing my dream through the best english program my country has to offer and it is everything I could dream of. The academic quality is superb and every day I am working and studying myself to the bone, reading nearly a dozen books a week and typing papers until the words start swimming on the screen.

Among these joys lie the challenges as well. One being that I lean toward the older side of the demographics, which puts me in a minority as opposed to the many young and fresh-faced college students. I've made many friends and met many classmates who assume I am as young as them but their jaws drop when they realize my real age. There is certainly a discrepancy between us in terms of life experience and more, but it is also refreshing and often enlightening to hear perspectives and ideas from the young, creative minds of these trailblazers.

Being in different generations definitely feels weird at times, but what's truly strange - and even a little heartbreaking - is seeing all these young students strive so far and work so hard to the point that the competitiveness created becomes toxic and detrimental to their health.

I have a classmate who is taking 20 units worth of classes (when 12 is the average given how intense the workload is), has 3 part-time jobs, and commits 20 hours of volunteering a week. During an exam day, a window fell on him and broke his arm. Instead of going to the hospital, he insisted on taking his exam with a broken arm because he could not make time to accommodate for his wellbeing.

I met a freshman girl who suffered a mental breakdown when she got rejected from all the school clubs after dozens and dozens of interviews.

The reason behind all the intense competition is because many of these students are fresh out of high school where they've spent the past 4+ years committing to 10 extracurriculars and 20 Advance Placement classes and 1000 volunteer hours so that they can graduate at the top 1% of the class to (hopefully) attend such top universities. But it gets to the point where we're taught that instead of learning for the sake of learning, we're learning for the sake of getting that piece of paper aka the diploma.

And there are many professors who can recognize the difference between the former and the latter in a student of theirs. And there are many professors who will refuse to give even their A+ students a Letter of Rec because they feel that student is not genuinely passionate enough for whatever grad school or internship.

When I was 18 and crying over the stress of nursing school and feeling I was too dumb compared to everyone else, I wish I had someone to tell me to take a deep breath and RELAX.

So now I want to say it for any new or incoming college students that might be reading this: Relax.

Your career will not be over if you do not get into that club. Your social life is not dead just because nobody invited you to a frat party. You are not a loser if you don't have 10+ best friends. You getting a B or C on a paper does not mean your final grade can no longer be an A.

Yes, go to your professor's office hours but talk to them about things besides the coursework - let them get to know you as a person rather than as just a student. That's how they will really remember you among all the other students, and that's how they'll be able to write about you in their letter.

No, you're not dumber than everyone else. That's your imposter syndrome talking. I promise you that whatever idea, question, or concern you have about the course material, there is 100% another student in your class who shares the exact same thing. If you're struggling, 100% there are other students in your class who are struggling as much as you. Don't compare yourself to your peers because we're all battling our own problems and insecurities but we're just hiding it. Focus on yourself.

Be nice to everyone you meet no matter what because you never know what networking opportunities will arise in the near or far future out of that one interaction. Within 1 month of school, I was already offered an internship at a prestigious publishing house just because I let a girl in class borrow my book and we ended up becoming close friends. That network chain was conceived all because I was just nice enough to share my book with her in class.

Most importantly, be nice to yourself! You are smarter than you think you are. And just because you didn't achieve your goal, that doesn't necessarily mean it's your fault or you're a failure. Sometimes to get to your destination you need to take a different path compared to the path you see everyone else taking. And sometimes it's just not meant to be... yet.

Anyway, I'm extremely lucky and privileged to be able to say I am enjoying my 2nd round of university (especially after much pain and suffering in the first round). Which is a major reason why my updates for TAOL have been erratic and my comment moderation slow, but I will continue to do my best in updating whenever I can!

(And if there's even the slimmest chance one of you readers here might be attending the same uni as me, let's vote Chris Pine as our speaker! We must get the arts some representation and love)

Thank you for reading and I will see you soon in the next update 👀

[whitehotharlots]

The middle distance

Maturity is a form of desperation. You come to a point in life where you realize your will cannot and can never overpower the natural and social forces surrounding you, and, accordingly, adjust your desires and actions and expectations to come in line with that of which you are capable.

This is good, on the whole. If everyone behaved exactly how they always wanted to behave, everyone would die very quickly. And this is why decency and maturity are often confused with one another--although I've never really met an indecent puppy. But the two concepts are distinct in conception as well as function. Decency is more of an inborn disposition; maturity is how you act when you realize how you have to act. Mature people of means are often far more cruel and grotesque compared to their younger selves. It's us socioeconomic normies who have to learn to chill out as we age.

I have aged. Death has happened. Not to me (I don't think), but to many of those I loved. Entire periods of my life have not only transitioned away but become permanently un-revisitable by virtue of the fact that the living being that used to occupy them have gone away, forever, and will never come back in spite of anything I can or could ever do.

Scientific skepticism reigned over my mind the first few decades of my life. Even as I read a profane amount and realized the ethical and empirical dimensions of science, it's, well, it's still science. We need authorities, right? And I will respect those authorities, when they deserve respect. I suppose this means I was was a very mature child.

But growing up, as death and loss become more and more routine, I cannot help but think that maybe, maybe, maybe there's something else? Not because it makes sense, but because it doesn't make sense? Because I cannot conceive of world as deaf and ambivalent as ours as being the result of anything other than some kind of disgusting experiment.

It's not that the world is uniformly awful. That would make sense. Some attempt could be made to animate some kind of protozoan lifeform on the surface of Venus, but that creature would find the conditions immediately intolerable and refuse the gesture. Thanks but no thanks, I'd prefer to never be called into being. Far too hot and heavy here.

Is there a degree of will associated with the simple act of coming into existence and then persisting for however many seconds or centuries we stick around? If not, is there any will whatsoever? Am I alive, really, if I had no understanding of my own life and life itself?

The darkness that preceded everything will proceed it as well. This is one point upon which the most fervent skeptics agree with the puritans. The Big Bang happened, fine. But also there was no light until a god said that light should be.

The Entirety--capital-E Everything, all that is material and haptic and imaginary and hypothetical and everything in between--is ephemeral, almost always short-lived on the scale of personal experience, almost completely minute on the cosmic or spiritual or even the much more modest ecological levels. Everything is middle distant. Even the universe and god.

[joethetoonfanandoutcast]

Four Reasons I Don't Support Suki x Marcus

There is another Sing ship involving the Saluki which I can't stop thinking about or continuing to be tortured by: shipping her with Johnny's dad!

These words cannot escape my mind from the video of Illumination taking risks: "The company is 'going to have to evolve. We can have a commitment strategy to movies as a cinema-going experience and we can layer other business on top of that. There are topics of conversation right now that are very relevant to what we're doing in the future that get into areas that potentially might not please everyone. I think you have to honor the stories that you tell, honor the choices that your filmmakers make, and you have to be willing to not have everybody pleased all the time."

And since high-grossing franchises are constantly milked, that means they'll need new stories and new material, including ones that fans aren't doing yet. Plus, as Illumination insists on animal behavior, it makes sense for a gentle giant like a gorilla to be protective towards a Saluki, one of the most timid dog breeds of all, so that's one "open-minded/I'm not a judgy bastard who should be sentenced to damnation" perspective, and yet, I can't stand the idea of them being romantic partners any more than her and Jimmy being romantic partners.

Here are the four reasons:

1. They've too big an age gap

Okay, Suki is either in her 20's or early 30's, and Marcus...well, most of the characters' ages here aren't clear, but I assume he's in his mid-40's or 50's. And I realize that Sing lacks pairings with the man being two-three decades older than the woman and "HAS TO BE relevant to real life in all ways", but do they really need that? And yes, Johnny could have a stepmom in his life, but does it have to be a woman close to HIS age?

2. They lack the chemistry

Seriously, who thinks Chelsea Peretti and Peter Serafinowicz would have any chemistry?

3. It spells old-fashioned stereotype

I know strong men would be a good shoulder for tough women to be there as a shoulder and make them feel stronger and make them feel more human, but does it have to imply the strong man is as strong as one of those weight-lifters at the circus? Skinny guys can be strong in some way too. And a lot of women today aren't interested in beefcakes, which brings me to this reason:

4. It destroys her better judgement

In her first few minutes of the film, she comes off as this pretty-dresser who comes from the squeaky clean big city and is hard to please (FOR ENTERTAINMENT, btw!) and because she's a lackey for someone muscular and well-dressed (Jimmy) and is loyal throughout the film, due to dogs being loyal, until she betrays him, everyone just automatically assumes she only likes high-quality individuals as much as high-quality shows. Shows and individuals are two different things. Why throw it away other than just to make Ash, Meena, Rosita, Nooshy, and Porsha the girls you want to like that aren't picky?

She has potential to be liked by someone not taller than her and for her to reasonably like them back. That's realistic and not as superficial.

And I can stand the idea of Marcus finding someone to replace Johnny's late mom, just not if it means destroying the mentioned potential Suki had with other characters, or better yet, maybe not have Johnny's mom dead after all. Incidentally, what is it with Illumination and not having characters' spouses present? Marcus, Jimmy Crystal, Clay Calloway (that I can excuse), and we cannot completely conclude that Buster's mom is dead too.

I seriously hope Illumination doesn't force them into being so. I can handle it being done in fanfictions, but not in actual canon because that means they'd have to be canon in every universe (like how Mickey and Minnie are a couple in every universe and so on with other cartoon couples).

[nounpolycule]

This thing for me is fine hate Rose people are entitled to their own opinion, but Dan is the hill to die on?? Dan is peak character writing and representation?? Dan??

Also, the "try liking a character that gets actual sexism and racism on the daily" is getting to me. What does that even mean?? This is talking about working class characters? The way they said it implies that Dan goes through racism and sexism everyday? Dan??

Yeah, honestly I couldn't give two shits about people hating Rose? People have been talking about how Rose is boring and a bitch and too stupid and so on for longer than I've known the show existed (a bit over a decade at this point), and they'll be saying the same shit until the end of the fandom's existence. I take issue, however, with acting like everyone who disagrees with you about a dumb (affectionate) little sci-fi show is stupid, especially when you're actively insulting them.

And yeah, there's like a lot to be said on the concept of "representation" in general. Other people have articulated this better than I ever will. If you focus too hard on a character being "representation", somewhere along the way, you lose the "character" part. Not every character that fits the same demographic(s) as you is going to feel like they match your experiences 100%, and they shouldn't! If no one person's experiences are universal, how can we expect a character to portray universal experiences without losing that piece that makes them feel more like a character than a plot device being used for diversity points? It's good to have diverse characters! I'm not joking when I say Jack Harkness was a stepping stone in realizing I'm a lesbian - would it have taken me less time to realize if I'd had Bill to look up to when I was 13? Would I have felt comfortable with myself at a younger age if I'd seen a lesbian character on my favorite show? I can only hope that that's what happened for people younger than me! But, at least to me, you lose something when you focus on "good representation" over diverse good characters.

The thing about looking at Rose through the lens of representation is that... that's not what she was designed to be? Her experiences inform her character, but her story isn't about that background. Sure, call her bad representation. She was never intended to be representation. It's not a fucking gotcha. She's a character first.

And with Dan... I can't see him as serious commentary. His house gets shrunk as a joke. His house stays shrunk as a joke. We do not see the ramifications of him losing his house, I don't really see that as commentary on poverty or homelessness when we don't actually see what happens to him afterwards. I won't tell anyone they can't see themselves in his character or situation, but to say that everyone should universally agree that he's more relatable is literally bringing us back to square one of "this character resonates more with me and therefore they are better universal representation and if you disagree you're just a basic bitch that needs to grow up." It's not productive. Besides, isn't the point of representation supposed to be that the more a particular marginalized experience is portrayed, the more likely it is that someone will find something that resonates with them?

And as for talking about Rose being a disservice to Dan... I haven't seen anyone comparing Dan and Rose aside from OP. I won't say it doesn't exist, clearly we do not run in the same circles, but it's not something I see at all. Though if we want to get down to it - yeah, I see my experiences (admittedly as an American) more in Rose than Dan. And that's okay. I'm a young adult who has barely left home whose experiences of being poor are colored by that - of course I'm going to see myself in the 19 year old still living with her mom than the 50-something year old who is living on his own. But that doesn't mean I can't respect people who feel differently.

As for "try liking a character that gets actual sexism and racism on the daily", I can only assume that they were talking about Yaz. But of course, as you said, the placement makes it sound like it's about Dan. It's a really weird place to start talking about Yaz, especially since they didn't actually mention her by name and she wasn't being discussed prior. And they did block my friend for pointing out that actually experiencing racism and such is worse than being a fan of a character that is treated that way by fans so... take that as you will.

Also no part of main tagging these posts (including one that begins "rose tyler is so fucking boring"), calling Rose fans "basic bitches" (again - whether or not you think calling Rose a bitch is misogynistic - calling real people, at least some of whom are women, bitches because they disagree with you is, in fact, misogynistic), and saying "#rose stans are so easy to wind up #just say you don't like her or she's bad rep #and they start crying and shitting themselves #it's so funny" reads as attempting to have a discussion about these characters in good faith. It's just so clearly deliberately trying to start shit. Like grow up, it's 2023, get a hobby less reminiscent of a middle school bully.

Also like. You didn't mention it at all but I will talk about Rose's ending (especially looking at Doomsday specifically) being 1. a punishment rather than a reward, and 2. really horrifying to me, actually (from a power imbalance perspective, not just a Rose fan perspective) until I'm blue in the face. And also I do find it funny that someone said that "Rose Tyler and Charlie Bucket are a fantasy, that if you work, behave and are good at heart, you will get the ultimate treasure in capitalist society, capital." Like first of all I know it was someone on the pro-Rose side that brought it up, but I don't think the Charlie comparison is worthwhile at all. Second of all, I love her but what part of Rose's story is her working and behaving and that's how she ends up rich? Babe didn't work for money (though she did work to be undercover for what, a week?) onscreen a single day after the Doctor blew up her job. Since when is Rose "jeopardy friendly" Tyler known for behaving? And if half of your point is that she's a bitch... well that kills "good at heart" a bit, doesn't it?

[waffliesinyoface]

continuing the trend of nonsensical narutoposting, i'm going to share my headcanons for how self-reflective and/or emotionally health all of the akatsuki are. 

itachi: this man has no self reflection skills at all. he thinks he is Fine. if you really pressed him, he might admit to having some "slightly" "controlling tendencies". But other people are wrong anyways, so really, he's just being polite. This is a massive understatement, and is only one of the many, many things wrong with him. (“I’m a pacifist :(,” says Itachi, "Violence is wrong,” he says, genjutsu-ing a man into being mentally eaten by crows until he dies, “I wonder how itouto is doing,” he wonders, casually setting a man on fire.)

kisame: above average self-reflection skills. he has correctly deduced that he is depressed and a little paranoid. however he is also resigned to it, because that's the default state for most ninjas, especially ones from Mist. Probably does not realize that some of his issues are giant red berserk buttons.

deidara: mentally stable? ehhh *vague hand gesture*. honest with himself? he knows exactly what he's about. him bitching about his job and coworkers constantly is probably very grating, but emotionally healthy for him. good for him.

sasori: he knows himself well enough that he knew he would prefer to literally embody his art. however, he is great at convincing himself he doesnt have emotions when in fact he does have quite a few.

hidan: somehow, the most emotionally healthy akatsuki member?? he knows what he wants, what he likes, what he's passionate about, etc. other people might wish he was a bit more conflicted about things but thats Their Problem, not his. However this is not  because he’s better at this than anyone else, this is because unlike everyone else in the group, he has no trauma. Trauma is what happens to other people when they meet him. 

kakuzu: on some level, probably realizes he has Issues™. Does not connect his constant frothing rage to these issues. That’s clearly just his default, he's been like that for ages. (no!!!)

pein: so hilariously bad at this whole emotional/self-reflection thing that naruto’s special talk-no-jutsu caused him to die

konan: she knows that she is, on some level, fucked up, but she has buried that under layers of professionalism and murder and also paper. Deals with things better than pein but like. They were both super codependent on each other and i really wish we could’ve seen what she was like after pein’s death. Because i feel like it could’ve been the stepping stone to her being more unhinged in new and interesting ways. However, she was immediately murdered by obito as part of madara’s plot to get new special eyes. fuck you, kishimoto!!!!!

tobi: this man is somehow, even worse than pein. if the naruto universe was interested in things like “higher education” and “things that dont involve new and creative methods of murder”, there would be so many psychology majors dying to study him like a bug. why are you like this, obito. Your tragic backstory about getting crushed in a cave-in and being manipulated taught by your weird grampa and seeing rin die and everything does not adequately explain anything about you. Not only does he have the self-reflection skills of a mushroom, but I don’t think he even knows why he does the things he does in the first place.

zetsu: disqualified due to being a plant/vessel for an evil alien/guy who got chewed up and spat out by said alien. Asking if he’s emotionally healthy is like asking what the color blue smells like. Curious about the very concept in the same way that he is curious about the Experience of Having To Poop.