#unrelated but does anyone remember the episode three years ago

[screechingfromthevoid]

Good news! Even two weeks later watching the confession still makes me physically ill!

[bloody-bonesaw]

WTNV 192 + AN IN-DEPTH ANALYSIS OF SCREENSHOTS FROM ‘CAT BALLOU’

I told you I was gonna do it. 

-

First, I’m just gonna acknowledge how cool it is that Fink and Cranor even bothered to make these moments from the episode match up with the timestamps from the film, I love that they’re always trying to include their audience in fun little ways like that.

So the way I’ve decided to do this is go through the episode and compare every moment the movie is given any sort of description, until the point I’ll elaborate on later, where Fink and Cranor clearly take over.

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“the television turned itself on, and there she was: the Columbia Pictures statue famously morphing into a cartoon and firing off her pistols. I knew exactly the movie, and I couldn’t turn away.”

Yep, this is completely accurate to the film, not much to speculate on here, here’s that clip for anyone interested:

-

“But soon, I started to notice the face. At around 15 minutes and 30 seconds, between the two balladeers, in the far background there’s the city courthouse. Just to the right of the front door is a man. He appeared as a black smudge at first, but the longer I looked the more I could see that thin mouth, those threatening, beckoning eyes.”

First thing I wanna pick up on here is that this line is actually delivered wrong in the episode. Cecil accidentally says “around 15 seconds, and then 30 seconds” instead of “15 minutes and 30 seconds”. Clearly, this isn’t a big deal, I just enjoy finding little things like that when I go through the transcripts.

Here’s the screenshot of 15:30 from the movie:

I wasn’t able to capture the exact moment as screencapping movies is a pain in the ass, but within the red circle, behind the horse’s head, there is what appears to be an extra wearing a hat, who does indeed appear as just a black smudge. At no point in this shot does the camera get close enough to reveal any sort of facial features whatsoever, so the part about the “threatening, beckoning eyes” was clearly what I will henceforth refer to as, a night-valeism.

Let’s move on

-

"Again at 23 minutes, he’s in the crowd watching the square dance. Everyone’s heads are facing left into the circles of dancers. Every head except one. He’s looking right at the camera again. Not at the camera… at me."

This one was very difficult to analyse as “in the crowd” is a very vague description of this scene, and so they could have been referring to any one of the extras here that weren’t dancing.

Here’s the screenshot:

There were two male extras in this scene who I could make out not looking left at the dance, but the one I circled in red is the only one who actually glances at the camera. Unfortunately, it’s only on screen for a split-second before it cuts so I couldn’t get the exact moment he stares into the camera. I noticed this guy does seem to be a little less ‘in character’ than some of the extras, which is weird considering he’s pretty obvious compared to some of the other extras.

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“But at 36:55 in the top right, behind the stone well in the thicket, he’s there again. If you have a copy of this movie at home, go watch it, and tell me I’m not imagining this. It reminds me of The Ring [...]”

The interesting thing about this one is that this is the first timestamp included where there is clearly no extras. Here I’ve circled a few smudges that could potentially be mistaken for figures but in this case it’s more likely that Fink and Cranor KNOW there isn’t anyone there- (cont)

-But decided to include it anyway so they could draw that comparison to ‘The Ring’. Look at the well to the right surrounded by trees and tell me it doesn’t remind you of this:

Speaking of ‘The Ring’...

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“But then at 56 minutes and 56 seconds in, Jane Fonda stands in front of an old shed and throws rocks [...] And behind her on the left, a man stands with one arm on his hip, the other resting on a shovel. His hat hides his face. Then he walks slowly forward, lifting the shovel. He keeps walking forward, downscreen of Jane Fonda, who is still giving the performance everything she’s has, as if some rogue extra isn’t ruining the shot.

The man then lifts the brim of his hat and looks right into the camera. His lips are moving, but not like speaking, more like undulating. It’s hard to hear if he is making any noise, because the audio mix on this movie was terrible. I could barely discern any other sounds beneath the electrical hum of the owls.”

I’m not gonna lie, I’ve never actually watched ‘The Ring’, but I know enough about it to recognise that this scenario, intentional or not, is part of a horror trope popularised by the film. (Interestingly, I noticed Cecil and Jeffery actually covered ‘Ringu’, the Japanese original on their podcast ‘Random Number Generator Horror Podcast Number 9′ (try saying that ten times fast lol) about three weeks ago. Probably unrelated since I doubt they wrote the episode less than three weeks before its release but still, maybe it was just on their minds that day.

All that aside, this is my favourite screenshot they included and you’ll see why:

That’s right, the figure is (pretty much) EXACTLY as described (if you’ll excuse the fact that his hand is on his knee, not his hip, and he’s holding a rake, not a shovel.) As you’ve probably guessed, the second part of that paragraph is a complete Night-Valeism but that shouldn’t be a surprise. 

-

What I love about this whole thing is how it really plays into the idea that Night Vale has suddenly become a part of our universe, what with the movie going from previously being played entirely by eternally-thirty-year-old Lee Marvin (except the balladeers played by Nat King Cole of course) to actually being how it is in the real world, and yet, still containing the Night-Valeisms that make it feel as if our universes have collided. I’d love to hear if anyone had watched this film before the episode came out and if perhaps you felt yourself double checking the scenes in a sort of Mandela-effect fuelled panic.

If you do want to watch the movie for yourself, it’s important to note that what Cecil says in the beginning about outdated and offensive jokes is also, unfortunately, entirely accurate. The film is full of mysogyny disguised as humor and casual 60s racism, so be prepared and remember to view it with a critical eye.

-

If you’re still reading, thank you so much! (And also what on earth are you doing I mean really.) I think it goes to show just how much I care about Welcome to Night Vale that I watched a whole 90 minute movie I wouldn’t have otherwise cared about just so I could give context to this 20 minute episode. I love this damn show so much.

[femalechibiblogger]

5 Underrated Video Games

1. Night in the Woods

Margaret "Mae" Borowski is a 20-year-old college dropout, who relocates back to her hometown of Possum Springs, which has been struck by the closure of the coal mines and the stagnating economy. She meets up with her old friends, including gloomy but intelligent Beatrice "Bea" Santello, hyperactive delinquent Greggory "Gregg" Lee, and Gregg's quiet, modest boyfriend Angus Delaney. Mae also learns that another one of her old friends, Casey Hartley, has mysteriously disappeared.

Mae spends several days exploring Possum Springs and spending time with her friends, but she also begins to have strange and vivid dreams. At the town's Halloween festival, Mae witnesses a teenager being kidnapped by a mysterious figure. The four friends begin working together to figure out what is going on, with Mae's mental health slowly deteriorating with every one of her dreams. After intensive searching, the four stumble across a strange group of cloaked figures in the woods, who chase after them; Mae ends up falling and lapses into a coma.

Mae eventually wakes up and returns to her friends, and she reveals that the reason she dropped out was due to her increasing dissociation from people and the world (it is implied that Mae suffers from some sort of depersonalization disorder), seeing everything as merely shapes. Mae's journal, in which she draws pictures for each major event in the game, was given to her by a doctor to write down her emotions after she bludgeoned a student with a softball bat six years ago as a result of a dissociative episode. Due to this incident, the townsfolk became wary of Mae and caused a financial and emotional strain in her family. As her dissociation worsened at college, Mae mustered up the strength to leave and return home, hoping that being back in Possum Springs would help her return to normal.

Still wounded, Mae decides to venture out into the woods alone to find the group who chased her and the others, only for Gregg, Bea, and Angus to refuse to let her go by herself. The group enter the old mines and meet the mysterious group, who are revealed to be a cult. The cult turns out to be behind the kidnappings of several residents, including Casey, taking those whom they deem useless to society and whom they say will "not be missed" into the mines to sacrifice them to a god-like chthonic entity called the Black Goat in hope that the Black Goat will revitalize the economy of Possum Springs. The cult's leader allows the group to leave, threatening them never to tell anyone about the cult – however while riding up the mine's elevator, a member of the group attempts to kill Mae. The others manage to save her and the elevator falls, collapsing the mine and presumably trapping the cult underground.

Depending on who the player interacted with the most throughout the course of the game, Mae will sit down with either Bea or Gregg and talk about the events of the previous night, and all the things that have happened in Possum Springs. The others join them shortly after, and Mae tells them that although they will all be forced to grow and adapt to life as it goes on for better and for worse, they can still enjoy their time together now. The game ends as the four decide to forget about their problems for the time being and have band practice.

2. Among the Sleep

Among the Sleep is a first-person exploration game seen from the view of a toddler. The player can move the cursor to walk or crawl around, the latter of which is faster and is required to slide through obstacles blocking the way. Running is also an available option, though the player will fall down if it is done for too long. The player can interact with and push objects, and open doors and windows. Sometimes, the handle to open doors is too tall to reach for the player, in which case the player will have to push and climb chairs for additional height. Other than chairs, the player can climb boxes, tables, and various things to reach otherwise unreachable ledges and heights. Certain objects can also be held as well as thrown away. Others can be stored to the inventory and taken out again for later use.

For most of the game, the player is accompanied by a sentient teddy bear named Teddy, a birthday present from the toddler's father. The player can hug Teddy, who emits light that helps the player navigate through darker environments. The light will wear down after a while, but will recharge if left unused. If the player drops Teddy, which always happens whenever they arrive from sliding through pipes to a new level or environment, they will have to pick it up first before advancing again.

Throughout the game, the player is followed by two monsters: a feminine figure that haunts the first three levels, and a trench coat-wearing figure that haunts the final level. The monsters' appearance is indicated by the blurring of the vision, grating sounds, and in the case of the feminine figure, a slow lullaby (Trollmors Vuggesang), "Trollmother's Lullaby") hummed about. There is no way to fend off the monsters; if they appear, the player will have to run away or hide under tables or chairs until they go away. If the player is not quick enough to evade the monsters, a short cinematic will show the monsters taking hold of the player, which results in a game over, followed by a continue screen with a pacifier. Clicking the pacifier restarts the game from the last checkpoint. The player can also get a game over by other means, such as falling into water or chasms.

The game is largely linear and involves going from point A to B, though the expansive environment with multiple obstacles may induce the feeling of being lost. After some time exploring the player's house, the player is taken to a dreamlike location with a gingerbread house-like hut that serves as a sort of hub level. The house contains a circular door that leads to a new level, surrounded by four containers where "memories" obtained from each level are stored. After the player finds a memory and heads to a tube at the end of the level, they will be returned to this hut. Once four memories are stored, the player can insert Teddy's right hand below the circular door to return to the player's house.

In the extra DLC level, instead of exploring dreamlike locations, the player is taken to another house with the objective of finding and thawing five frozen dolls by playing music or turning on the TV. The gameplay is still the same, with the feminine figure haunting the player, but the player is also confronted by a fireplace monster in the underground section that advances and closes in through an aisle.

3. Rule of Rose

Described as "essentially an interactive movie" by its director Shuji Ishikawa and associate producer Yuya Takayama, the narrative of Rule of Rose centers on the traumatic childhood memories of Jennifer, "an ordinary, vulnerable girl"; these memories sometimes manifest in exaggerated ways. Set in England, the game opens in 1930, as 19-year-old Jennifer is led to an abandoned orphanage by a boy. She follows him to a grave in the courtyard, where she digs up a coffin with a bloody sack inside it. Four children sneak up on her and pour water on her, before shoving her into the coffin. She awakens in a largely abandoned airship in flight to an unknown destination, ruled by a cruel group of young girls known as the Red Crayon Aristocrats, despite the presence of adults on board. Under the threat of death, Jennifer must appease the Aristocrats by bringing an offering for them each month. Assisting her is Brown, a dog she frees from confinement in the airship, and the chronically sickly Wendy, who is the only child to be friendly to her.

Jennifer eventually regains her memories of being cared for by the farmer Gregory Wilson, after she was orphaned in an unrelated airship crash. There, he was kind to her, though he confused her with his dead son Joshua, kept her prisoner, and periodically slid into melancholy alcoholism. Discovering her one day, Wendy began to exchange letters with Jennifer and eventually convinced her to escape, but not before Wendy stole his gun. The two then renewed their oath of "everlasting, true love," with Jennifer's stuffed bear exchanged for Wendy's brooch. Back on the airship, Jennifer ascends to becoming part of the Red Crayon Aristocrats, after retrieving the stuffed bear for the Princess of the Red Rose, the co-leader of the Aristocrats.

The game's setting then transitions to the now-inhabited orphanage. Bullied by the children, Jennifer is horrified to find that she has become the offering of the month; meeting up with Wendy in the courtyard, she loses Brown and later finds his corpse in the Aristocrats' meeting room, where he had been killed in her place. Wendy then reveals herself as the Princess of the Red Rose. Jennifer, now a child, slaps her and casts aside her brooch, hating the Aristocrats and herself for being too cowardly to oppose them. Afterward, the Aristocrats approach Jennifer, now an adult, in the hopes that she will replace Wendy as their leader, whom they have deposed. Wendy, however, retaliates against the children by mentally conditioning Gregory into assuming the persona of "Stray Dog," a dangerous creature she had invented to assume power over the other children. She then brings Gregory, as Stray Dog, to kill everyone in the orphanage. Only Jennifer escapes the onslaught. Before being killed off-screen, Wendy, now remorseful, confesses her role in it, which had been sparked by her jealousy over Brown. She then gives Jennifer Gregory's gun. Gregory then returns to kill Jennifer, and in a moment of lucidity, he asks "Joshua" to give him back the gun, which Jennifer does. He then kills himself.

Rule of Rose concludes with Jennifer, as a child, waking in the large empty orphanage and reflecting on the events and characters. Jennifer vows to remember the other children, especially because the media coverage of the children's deaths had diminished after it came to light that Jennifer had been the survivor of two horrific events, and meets with Wendy and Gregory. In the final scene, Jennifer visits Brown, now a puppy, in the shed and puts a collar on him. She completes a Bucket Knight nearby, symbolizing that she can always remember and return to her memories of Brown. Promising to protect him for eternity, she then closes the door on him.

4. Tattletail

The game takes place in 1998 over the course of 5 nights, beginning on December 20th and ending on Christmas Day. The player wakes up on Night 1 to open their Christmas present early. The present is the new fad toy, a purple Baby Talking Tattletail (based on a Furby). After playing with the toy briefly (which involves feeding and grooming it), the player puts it back into its box and goes back to bed.

On Night 2, the player finds the same Tattletail in the tumble dryer, with no indication of how it got there. The player then charges it, wraps it back up into its box and goes back to bed.

On Night 3, the player encounters the contents of an old nursery in the basement. In the corner sits the now-recalled Mama Tattletail, along with a cassette tape which can be played using the toy. The tape contains a snippet from a story in a read-along style - including prompts to "turn the page" - about how "the children thought that Mama would never find them as long as she couldn't see them" but Mama would find them nevertheless. The player returns upstairs to find that Tattletail has made a mess. Tattletail asks to be taken to “Mama”. The player returns to the spot to find that Mama has disappeared. Mama Tattletail then starts to hunt down the player when they try to clean up after Tattletail.

On Night 4, after a lengthy hide-and-seek session with another Tattletail, the player finds a VHS tape that shows several interchangeable camera feeds from what seems to be a Tattletail commercial (which is actually footage from the trailer). After some time, some of the camera feeds' names turn red, the lighting changes from blue to green and trash bags and obscured parts of inanimate or writhing human bodies appear.

On Christmas Eve, Baby Talking Tattletail invites the player to the basement to join a "party" with a yellow and blue Baby Talking Tattletail, with two more that the player must fetch. After the player gets them, they must pick up their own Tattletail and get some supplies from upstairs. The player then finds out that the Talking Tattletails have made a pentagram out of the Christmas lights with the VHS tape in the middle, and have begun chanting in a seance. After rewinding the VHS tape, Mama appears and steals the candles and the player must find them in vases scattered around the basement while avoiding being attacked by Mama. Once the seance reaches its climax, the tape begins to levitate and the player must destroy it. The seance then ends and the player goes back to bed.

5. Duck Season

Summer 1988 and your mom has just rented the coolest new game for your Kingbit Entertainment System. As you play over the course of the day it becomes apparent something is different about this game than the other games you own. Duck Season is a throwback to the golden age of 1980's gaming and movies with a hint of horror in a Spielburgian universe. Re-live a slice of childhood as you transported to an eerily familiar memory and play out the dark story that unfolds over a single day/night as your imagination takes over.

[trollhuntersshardborn]

Act 1 Summary

Okay, so since the fic will probably never be updated again, I wanna tell exactly how it was supposed to go down. I just don’t have the inspiration or energy from it, and I just need to put the story to rest.

Okay, act 1. Let’s briefly go over chapters 1-4.

The story takes place in medieval Europe. The year 1315 to be exact. The prologue covers the gumm-gumm trolls rampaging through a castle looking for a past occupant. A princess from three hundred years ago. Apparently, she was deemed a witch and burned at the stake, but that’s like, oh well, to the trolls. Why they are looking for her would be addressed later. 

Later that night, the gumm-gumms raid a nearby farm for food (humans). This is the Ward family farm, owned by Larkin Ward and his six children. The oldest daughter is named Nadia, and she’s just a peasant girl trying to live her life and in perpetual fear of being married off and taken away. In the raid, Nadia runs away in fear as her entire immediate family is killed and/or eaten. But before the same thing happens to her, the Trollhunter Nakrik shows up to fight off the bad trolls. And he’s joined by a woman with super strength! But this seems to be for naught as Nadia’s heart gives out due to fright. But it’s okay, she gets better. She comes back to life for some reason.

So the Trollhunter and his “human” friend take the survivors (Nadia, her granny, and a visiting boy named Edwin/Edmund (I kept forgetting his name)) to the Royal Trollmarket nearby. Now, Royal Trollmarket was the largest market in Europe, housing a massive cavern with every good and ware you can think of, and in the middle of it is not a Heartstone, but a massive fortress that serves as the palace! Nadia is introduced to the world of trolls, fae, and other things, as well as made aware that now she’s an immortal being called a Shard. This is explained to her by a fellow Shard, the “human” friend named Elisi.

The basic story of Shards is that they’re immortal beings created by Merlin himself. Magic pulled from a Life Stone (which did as the name suggests, creates life from two separate souls) so Gunmar couldn’t use it to raise an army overnight. Merlin separated this magic into eight segments and had them enter eight human maidens upon birth. The point was to keep this magic AWAY from Gunmar, so these girls could be anywhere in the world and their powers and immortality wouldn’t activate until their very first death. Merlin also gave each girl a unique “gift” to protect herself and her life magic, but basically Shards still use their Life Magic to create new life between other souls, so anyone who had a Shard on their side could theoretically create a bunch of living beings overtime. So in this time of war between Gunmar and whoever is Trollhunter, having a Shard would come in handy. That is, if she feels like creating an army.

So far, no Shard is willing to be a baby factory to make this army for either side. Elisi is married to a troll named Richta, a gentle potion maker who’s very protective of his family. Nadia has an underlying phobia of being reduced to a perpetual mother, and doesn’t take well that this is now what she is. Reduced to a blubbering mess, she retreats into the market and ends up in a small library. The librarian, Dictatious, begrudgingly lets the girl hide there, but realizes she’s a fast learner when she tries to read and interpret trollish.

Now, the Gumm-gumms realize there’s now not one, but TWO of the eight Shards in one place right now: in the Royal Trollmarket. Bular decides to go on the offensive, and with the help of a changeling underling named Corvis, he unleashes a pack of creatures called rust rats. Now, rust rats exist to kill and eat trolls, however whatever's left comes back to life as a rust zombie, and they infect anything they touch with their rust. So with zombie trolls in the market, everyone runs for the closest safe place: the palace. The only people not marching there are the Nakrik, Elisi, and another character named Grim or Black Knight Grim, for long. Grim is another human in Team Trollhunter, decked out in sweet black armor, a fearless horse, and basically any weapon you can think of to get the job done. He’s from a family of monster hunters who specialize in killing trolls, and he’s so skilled and well prepared that he’s taken on an entire squad of gumm-gumms alone. More on him later.

The fighters in our cast wipe out the zombie trolls and zombie causers, which is the signal for the gumm gumm army to storm the place en mass! Out numbered and outmatched, the remaining party makes a run for the castle. Nakrik, the noble trollhunter and good friend that he is, makes sure the others get in safely before squaring off against the entire army by himself. But he not only fights all these gumm gumms, but also Bular the Butcher, and a general named Alora Darren the Undying, mother to Bular, wife to Gunmar and (HOLY SHIT) a Shard herself! More on her later!

Fortunately for Nakrik, he’s saved by the king of Royal Trollmarket, King Gholgolm the Fourteenth, a thirty foot tall centaur troll who’s so big he can’t even get out of the front door of his palace. But just making it half way out the door to kick some ass is enough to scare the army away for a time. The palace fortress closes itself off so the invading forces can’t get in, and everyone just hunkers down tight for a plan. See, now all the survivors are trapped with no way out since the gumm-gumms have all the exits covered and are occupying the surrounding trollmarket. So while the heroes are trying to come up with a plan, news of Nadia, another Shard, reaches the king’s ears and he asks her to the throne room. He asks her to be the Shard that makes the army he needs to win, and she tearfully declines. Nadia just can’t bring herself to be reduced to a baby machine as she’s always feared, but has no other way to be of help. But Dictatious does see a use for Nadia, and to calm her brings her to the royal library. 

Here in the library are more characters to be introduced to (I hated how chapter 4 is a character dump episode, how do I get you guys to care about everyone?!), there’s Dic’s brother Blinky, also there’s the royal wizard Rundle and his family, Vendel (son and apprentice) and Kilfred (elder who’s barely understandable and laughs with a grandfatherly “ho ho ho ho.”) Everyone’s excited to meet Nadia, but Dictatious explains something about Shards that wasn’t addressed. Each Shard has a unique ability to protect herself with based on their title. Elisi is the Maid of Fortitude, and possesses “the strength of ten trolls.” Alora, still outside the palace and trying to get in and kill everyone, is the Eternal Arsenal, and can create any weapon she’s well versed in. Dic has deduced that Nadia is the Maid of Intelligence, who is a fast learner with a perfect memory. She can be a living archive, and recall knowledge used for tactics. Nadia... doesn’t take being this inferior well and nearly has another breakdown. But her grandmother lets her in on a little secret. Unrelated to being a Shard, Nadia has magic in her bloodline. Turns out granny is a witch, and the family gift of magic tends to skip a generation and is only present in the girls. So Nadia, with her newfound magic talent, and her ability to remember all knowledge she’s learned could be a living magical archive and the potential to be a powerful witch is very likely. She’s hesitant, but once Rundle starts showing her how to cast spells and how to recite them, she quickly becomes fascinated. 

Meanwhile, the gumm gumm army is trying to invade the castle, but can’t seem to find a weak link in the walls or “moat” of indefinite voids that troll caves seem to have. But Edwin has managed to sneak out in his “trolls are going to eat me” panic, and when confronted by Alora and Bular, promises to show how he was able to sneak out/in if he’s left alive and can get “his girl” out. Turns out he has a huge crush and Nadia and wants to get her out of here with him. It’s agreed and Alora sends him back in along with her own wizard troll, Skeeziel, to sneak inside the fortress and open the front doors from inside. Edwin goes to get Nadia to get her the hell out of here while Skeeziel sneaks around and assasinates whoever gets in his way and manages to get the doors open. So now everyone needs to evacuate further into the castle, closing off the outside halls as the army starts to make their approach. Edwin somehow manages to escape the chaos, without Nadia, and makes it to the surface... only to run into Gunmar, who promptly eats him.

Everyone’s in a near panic! Gunmar himself is going to storm the now vulnerable palace and there’s no way to fight in these much more cramped corners. King Gholgolm decides he’s going to fight Gunmar and give everyone enough time to live/escape. Rundle figures he can open a portal to the surface with help from his father and son, along with Nadia. The four of them can keep a small portal open long enough to get everyone out. Nadia only has the confidence to try and help with the others nearby. The portal is a success, and Nadia desperately tries to hold up her side of the magical baggage as the castle is slowly evacuated. King Gholgolm faces off against Gunmar at the entrance of the castle, but its not even a fight. Even as such a large troll, he’s no match for Gunmar’s prowess and sheer determination (foolish horse-monster! while you sat stuck in your own castle, I practiced the blade!). Gunmar then wrestles what he really wants from the king: the location of the Heartstone rumored to be growing in the east. The King does say there’s one in China, before Gunmar kills him. The rest of the army storms the palace.

Seeing that the King has failed, Nakrik then rushes off to fight off the army and Gunmar himself as well. Elisi goes with him. The stress of her friends probably not going to make it gets to Nadia, but she’s kept on course. Nakrik is soon stuck fighting with Alora, and he yells at Elisi to fall back and protect the survivors. She reluctantly does, leaving Nakrik to his fate. Soon, the army is about to overtake the portal room. Only Nadia, Vendel, Rundle and Kilfred are left. They start to debate who should stay to keep the portal open long enough for the others to flee, but little old Kilfred makes the decision for them. He shoves Nadia, and his son and grandson into the portal just as Gunmar manages to break through. The portal closes, and Kilfred looks up to Gunmar with a large grin and one last “ho ho ho ho” before snapping his staff and causing an explosion of light bright enough to be sunlight. Kilfred is dead, the survivors are safe on the surface, and Gunmar is temporarily blinded and enraged. His victory in Royal Trollmarket is a hollow one.

Among the survivors on the surface is young Prince Thalfie, Gholgolm’s son, who now must lead his scared and frightened people to somewhere safe. As soon as Elisi insists that they need to wait for Nakrik, the amulet makes its way to the group. Nakrik didn’t survive. And the amulet chooses Elisi’s husband, Richta, to be the next trollhunter.

Act 1 ends with Nadia still frightened by this terrifying new world, but now has the hope to survive it with her new skills. Elisi is now horrified that her husband is going to suffer the fate of all Trollhunters, and Thalfie begins to lead his people to the Black Forest for shelter. Rundle promises to continue to train Nadia. End of Act 1? Not quite.

The last thing to see in Act 1 is Alora wandering the surface, heavily injured, fighting off tears, with the Sigil of Angor Rot on the right side of her face.

Okay, now Act 1 is over. 

Act 2 and 3 will be tomorrow, since part of the reason I had such trouble writing was I couldn’t fully plot out Act 2 much.

Oh, shit, that’s right. Then there’s Forged in Darkness. Remind me to tell you guys about that first before getting into Act 2.

And...... that’s it for Act 1.

[into-september]

MLB dub stuff

Re-run of “Cat Blanc” and “Felix” today. Given how whatshisname did as Cat Blanc and in “Chameleon”, I’m very certain that he could’ve handled voicing Felix as well, but that judgment clearly wasn’t shared by the people in charge. 

Since they’re already working with a not terribly long list of actors they’ve got on cast, recycling happens and I’m 70% certain that Felix was voiced by whoever does Luka. And that’s admittedly pretty funny, that rooftop scene with Ladybug considered. 

But let’s talk “Cat Blanc”, which my dub-nerding self has watched in some three different languages before, but only once in Norwegian. But boy oh boy did I have thoughts about their translation choices, because there is one key scene that would be very difficult to get right thanks to the long-established choice of pet names: Cat Noir doesn't call her "my lady" around here.

He doesn't call her "my lady" because the expression is foreign to the point of nonsensical in a country that hasn't had any native nobility since 1350. Presumably, they also don't trust the target audience to understand neither the words nor the historical framework behind them. This is common for all the Scandi dubs; it's "min sköna" ("my beautiful") and "min kære" ("my dear") in Swedish and Danish, and I highly doubt that this choice to ix-nay the ladyword was coordinated.

Because in Norwegian, it's "unge dame", literally "young lady" and used in the exact same way as in English. It should be mega weird in the "cross father talking to sulky daughter" kind of way, but he makes it work. SOMEHOW. If nothing else, it sounds suitably oldfashioned.

So I was curious to hear them solve that one in THAT SCENE in “Cat Blanc”. I mean, all the money said they’d leave it as “young lady”, which thanks to the lacking ambivalence misses out on the massive change of meaning “my lady” has undertaken during the course of the episode. Second, that also means that Marinette’s echoing “my prince” which is BAD ENOUGH IN ENGLISH would sound even worse here because it’ll be lost that she is, in fact, echoing his last words to her and not just using the worst possible pet name.

Unrelated but also fascinating is that there are a bit of variation on the translation of “Bugaboo”. I’ve been rewatching some random episodes, and these are the ones I’ve noticed:

- "lille bille" ("little beetle", v. cute)

- "billeba" (once. might or might not be a real name, the only person I've known to carry it was a karen in some nineties soap opera. It might a beetle pun on "lilleba", a cutesy nickname common enough to have been used two generations ago on both sides of my family. Either way, the possibility is high indeed that it is a low-key shoutout to a nineties scandinavian soap opera that nobody remembers these days and I find that absolutely hilarious)

- "jenta mi" (once. lit. "my girl", does NOT have the same connotations as the corresponding English. Would not be used by anyone under fifty, and depending on who uses it, would come across as condescending enough to set MeToo trending. Fun usage note though, Hawkmoth goes "my boy" at Cat Noir right before akumatising him and IIRC also when he’s begging him to transform in “Gorizilla”, and that’s pretty heartwarming in a horrible kind of way)

One last inconsistency that might or might not be intentional: I remember two instances of Adrien calling his father the equivalent of “dad”. I think the first one might’ve been a way early episode, but the second one was “Sandboy”. At that point, they’d long since clued in on the fact that things are Awkward between father and son there, and consistently stuck with “father” (has not been used for adressing your male parent the last fifty years, yikes Gabriel). 

Then we see Adrien Agreste living his worst nightmare, and desperately calling for help - he calls for Nathalie. And he calls for "dad", which given the situation - he’s helpless and terrified in a situation he cannot escape - would suggest that he’s reverting to some older speech pattern. That he used to once call Gabriel that, but at some point changed that to a formal and extremely dated way of talking to his father. It reflects the “vous” adress in the French, I guess, and hearing him break out of it - to suggest that his happy childhood wasn’t just his mother being around, it was his father being a father - 

well, that was some heartbreak happening in this dub only. 

[booknerddoesroswellnm]

Here’s my Roswell,New Mexico Theory

**SPOILERS**

**WILD FAN THEORIES**

**VIOLENT PROCRASTINATIONS**

Ok y’all hear me out, cuz it’s about to get weird and twisty.

I think Alex killed Rosa.

There are several stages to this, so please bear with me. And maybe it doesn’t make sense, but I have a big test I’m procrastinating so I’ve gone full conspiracy-theory over here.

Part 1: Max didn’t kill Rosa.

Max didn’t kill Rosa. He’s so hurt that Liz thinks that is even possible, which is so sweet I mean come on that’s a full CW-swoon. But the whole danger of his electric personality and not being in control is a red herring, and an easy one for a confused Liz to fall for, but the bottom line is, if he killed Rosa, there’s no show. That’s not something this Liz Ortecho would forgive and be with him just because he wants her. Nope. No way. And it shouldn’t be. It violates Liz as a character, and women everywhere would be shaking their heads and hitting the “off” button on the remote. But it also violates Max as a character if he killed Rosa and knows that he did it and is still for real pursuing her. Because his whole answer to Isobel’s being pissed at him is “sorry your relationship is built on a lie.” If he killed Rosa, that goes out the window.

But Max knows what happened to Rosa. When Liz accuses him, he doesn’t just say “no you’re crazy you don’t know what you’re talking about,” he also doesn’t lie and say “no this other thing happened,” he also doesn’t say “hey I know I’m an alien but that is entirely unrelated to what happened to your sister like not all weird things are related. Sorry.” This show has taught us to read the weird things as related. So Max says leave the past in the past there’s nothing we can do to change it. He knows what happened. What happened isn’t that he killed Rosa. But he says Liz can’t ever know “what happened to Rosa” which means it implicates him and Isobel and Michael.

Part 2: Ten years ago, Isobel erased Liz’s memory and made her leave town to keep her away from Max.

In the pilot Michael says “if Max is wrong (about trusting Liz) you will get into her head and make her forget, make her leave Roswell and Max like you did ten years ago.” I definitely interpreted that at the time as “mess with her head in general like you messed with someone’s head in general 10 years ago” but I think actually it’s specific. When she tries to brain revise Liz in episode 3 Isobel says don’t come back THIS TIME. 10 years ago, Isobel actually erased Liz’s memory and drove Liz away, and bonus if Max doesn’t know, but Isobel and Michael know and have been keeping it from him. That’s why Isobel says that it’s her fault he’s been unhappy all this time: because she sent Liz away before thinking it was a high school crush and not that it was Full-On-CW-Flavor-True-Love. She gets really overwhelmed by her guilt when she realizes that deep down Liz loves Max back the same way. So why would she have had to erase her before? Why would Isobel and Michael get together and decide that Liz needs to be erased and sent away?

A) Max would have followed Liz when she left. He admits it. They can’t let that happen. We know Max and Isobel are unhealthy-codependent and Isobel might be that bad. The day Max and Liz went to the desert, right around when Rosa died, Liz touched Max’s mouth with her dang thumb and he UFOgasmed the school into a blackout. You know that Isobel and Michael knew that was Max, which meant that Liz + Max was a threat to them being discovered. That’s one possible reason. That ties up neatly and doesn’t have to be involved with Rosa’s death to make sense. But it is clear that the three of them are implicated in some way by the events surrounding Rosa’s death. So, while that could stand alone as a secret, it doesn’t work in the world of the show, which has taught us to read it so that the cluster of “too many secrets” directly involves “what happened to Rosa.” Sending Liz away without it being involved with Rosa doesn’t fit the mythology of the show thus far.

Ok so, how could that be related to Rosa’s death? Why else would 10-years-ago Isobel have used alien brain revision on Liz? To protect Max and Michael—that still stands. What would they have needed protection from? Two options: someone knowing/finding out they’re aliens, or someone they love needing protecting, or some situation that involved both. Which means that the most likely case is:

B) Rosa knew about them. At the very least, Rosa knew about Max. She knew enough to tell him-who she previously thought was “so vanilla”- to stay away from Liz in a shovey kinda way. Rosa told Liz, or wanted to, or tried to. Rosa did the scavenger hunt of clues because she realized that somehow people were getting/could get memory wiped. Viewers have been complaining a bit about how the scavenger hunt of clues is hokey, but it actually can work if it’s not just a “weird Rosa has a secret and is dramatic” thing, but is a result of the fact that she actively knew people were messing with her head. She maybe was using drugs to try and make her mind not-mess-with-able. Or she was just using drugs I mean people just use drugs too. But she left these clues FOR A REASON- to try and make sure Liz knew or could figure it out even if she got memory wiped again. How do we know that the scavenger hunt directly reveals that Rosa knew something was up with them, at the very least, if not specifically the alien-aspect? Because one of the clues was Max’s entire love letter. She hid it from Liz so she couldn’t find it when he wanted her to. But she hid it FOR LIZ to find later. Liz knowing about them because Rosa knew—and was determined enough to make a town-sized scavenger hunt to make sure Liz would be able to remember again even if she got brain wiped or something happened to Rosa—is definitely enough of a reason to wipe Liz and send her away from Max. Rosa was clearly volatile, it could have turned into a whole thing. But despite the threat that Rosa posed if she knew:

Part 3: Neither Isobel nor Michael killed Rosa.

They’re making a big deal out of the fact that they’re keeping the secret of Liz’s memory wipe from Max. Probably. That’s a believable secret, and a bad one. A you-sent-away-the-only-woman-I’ve-ever-loved-and-it’s-the-ultimate-betrayal-in-this-galaxy-or-any-other kind of secret. But keeping the secret that one of them murdered Rosa from him? Nope. He knows exactly what happened to Rosa. And, back to violating character, I don’t think Max would still try to be with Liz—including telling her the truth—if Isobel or Michael had killed Rosa. Even by accident. Because that’s too slippery a slope. He couldn’t classify telling her about them being aliens as damage control because it would be directly and immediately linked to One of Us Three Aliens Killed Your Sister. But he’s also working the guilt thing pretty hard, and I think there’s a chance this Max wouldn’t believe he deserved to try to have Liz in his life if Isobel or Michael killed her sister. Also, the whole scene where Isobel and Michael show up and knife-throwing and threatening becomes a problem if they murdered Rosa. It’s not a kinda-funny, showing-off-powers montage and no really don’t tell. Then it’s actual murderers of your sister also threatening you with knives flying through the air by your body who btw can get into your house any time. That’s a big dark jump compared to what else is going on here. It is out of the context of the show, in a sense. OK—here’s where I’m going to lose some of you:

Part 4: Unknown Other Aliens Didn’t Kill Rosa

Yep, there are other aliens on the CWRoswellNM-Earth for sure, and for sure they could have something to do with Rosa, and I believe that right now anyone familiar with the source material or previous adaptation is being counted on to think that because there’s a direct parallel in those sources. But here’s where it becomes a problem for the show as it’s imagined now: If it was Other Unknown Aliens, there aren’t enough reasons Max couldn’t tell her that. “We don’t know who it was, or where they went, but there is apparently a bad alien out there and he killed Rosa. Sorry we let you think she died from drugs and let the whole town hate your family. The military covered it up because that’s what they do.” Yes, that’s sad and would hurt Liz, but there’s no reason he couldn’t have told her. It doesn’t answer enough of the other questions, or why Isobel and Michael think Liz finding out would be the worst thing in the world. They’ve written it as though what happened to Rosa also explains these other elements, that they’re all intertwined, and that just doesn’t accomplish that. That’s only one secret, again, the Rosa secret reduced to a singular root cause, not “so many secrets” that are reasons Max “can’t ever be with her.” In addition, and potentially more importantly from an ideological standpoint, that violates the anti-essentialism political message of the show. If Unknown Other Aliens killed Rosa, and that’s the thing Liz can’t ever know about, then the reason she can’t ever know is because if there’s one bad alien they’re potentially all bad aliens and Liz either can’t forgive/love Max or would turn them in to the authorities to be monitored etc. With the very clear political statement regarding undocumented immigrants that has been in every episode of this show, that brand of essentialism is simply a violation of the world of the show.

OK, so. Let’s agree to humor me that none of the aliens (known or Unknown) killed Rosa. Rosa knew about them, at least about Max. Liz got memory-wiped and sent away ten years ago when the whole Rosa thing was happening. Why the heck does that make me think Alex killed Rosa? Because we’re only halfway into the well of deep dark secrets festering in the alien heart of Roswell, New Mexico. Follow if you dare…

Part 5: Something Big happened 10 years ago to separate Malex, and it left its…handprint…on the whole Scooby Gang.

A) Alex says that when Michael looks at him he’s seventeen again--not eighteen which he had to be to join the military, so I don’t think enlisting is what separated them. It happened before he enlisted. Do I have more evidence than the use of the word seventeen for that? You bet.

B) We know from extra-textual materials (interview, twitter, etc.) that Alex’s character is the one who has changed the most in the last 10 years. He’s the only actor who had to read a flashback scene at his audition, supposedly because the character is so different now from what he was then that they needed to see him do both. And 10 years of military service could be responsible for that. Absolutely. Fully supporting and respecting the impact of ten years of dedicated military service and being wounded in action. But it also could have been something else. Something that made him change, and change so drastically that he became someone who decided to join the military rather than rebelling as the youngest gay skater-punk member of the super-duper military family he had been up until then.

C) That’s not the only character-shifting we learn happened at that time. Maybe whatever happened to make Alex join the military is the same thing that made Max want to be a cop—the thing that made him want to help people instead of being a writer— the thing he deflected and he wouldn’t tell Liz about in the Pilot. What’s more, Michael went from being high-achieving AP student to living in a trailer and working in a junkyard, and Liz notes that she is surprised by that, as if it would have been out of character for the Alex she knew in high school. We’re also told that he’s a literal genius and so this wasn’t on the path he was on. Cha-Cha-Cha-Changes all around. Still with me? Cool.

D) Something happened to Michael’s hand that caused permanent damage. Something related to Alex, and something from back then. Looking at a picture of himself and Alex together in high school made Michael think about it and look down at his injured hand with a loaded yearning gaze. They also make a point to show the damaged hand and Alex’s amputated leg in the same shot during their morning-after scene.

E) Michael and Alex tell each other in episode 3 that Alex is still the guy looking for a reason to walk away and Michael is still so good at giving them to Alex. So, something happened that Alex blames Michael for, something that made him walk away. Michael does not agree. Maybe because what Alex thinks happened isn’t actually what happened…because someone changed what he remembers.

Alright, so we’ve established a parallel 10-years-ago mystery with the whole gang. How is Alex at all connected to Rosa’s death? Bad things can happen to unconnected people at the same time on television, right? Yep. Totally. However, there’s something that connects all these dots, and I’m not talking about a swoon-worthy-yearn-tastic 90s soundtrack.

Part 6: Maria knows what’s up.

A) High School Buds: Alex and Liz were friends in HS, but Alex and Maria were definitely friends because he kinda told her about Michael. And if those two were that close, the odds that he wasn’t friends with Rosa—Maria’s actual BFF—are slim to none.

B) Super Strong Face Acting: In Episode 3, Heather—who plays Maria—does a great job laying down the thickest of dramatic irony as Liz is telling her that Max said he loved her then and maybe now and that he’s harmless. Excellent direction. Excellent acting. Audience, the I-don’t-trust-those-aliens-and-harmless-is-not-the-word-for-it looks Maria was dishing out were for us, and we picked them up loud and clear. The fandom is rife with Maria-the-all-knowing energy this week, so I’m just gonna leave that one here. Does she necessarily know that they are all three full stop aliens? no idea. Does she know they’re dangerous? hells yes. Hence, she doesn’t follow Rosa’s scavenger hunt herself: she doesn’t need to, because she knows, which is why it’s not for her, it’s for Liz, which is why Max’s letter he wrote to Liz makes sense as a clue.

C) Maria—gently, subtly, and somewhat unwillingly—helps Liz with the scavenger hunt. When she realizes she’s not gonna be dissuaded, she guides her. Gives her hints. Also keeps trying to dissuade her like “she’s not what’s hidden in the dusty corners of this town” or whatever that line was, but then “hey the drive-in is not a small-town Saturday night for Rosa. Our spot is. That you don’t know about. And so could only find the clue if I took you there. And when you were stumped worked into the conversation that we used to find Pisces which your sister thought looked like an arrow also OMG A CLUE LOOK AT THAT?! Episode 3 was well-written, arguably the best-written episode of the show so far. That wasn’t lazy writing: we were supposed to see it.

So: Rosa knew, and Maria knew/knows. Do you think they would keep their as-we’ve-established-friend Alex in the dark about that? Especially if the day came that they suspected that Michael was the boy who could keep Alex in Roswell with only the power of his luscious sustained lip action and also might be at least dangerous at most extra-terrestrial? I think not, my friends. These Roswell buds are loyal as all hell.

Part 7: The Isobel/Rosa connection hinted at in Episode 3 wasn’t what we thought.

It’s tempting to think there was a connection between Isobel and Rosa and that’s how Rosa knew the truth. Maybe that’s the case. The writers have laid it on thick that Rosa was hearing voices and that caused her self-medicating, so sure the material is there. However. In the preview for episode 4, Michael tells Isobel she can’t get into a dead girl’s head. Let’s go ahead and assume he means Rosa because we’ve had a consistent number of dead girls so far, and we see a flash of Rosa-alive-with younger and longer-haired Maria in the promo. If Isobel is the one who told Rosa, and that caused the whole thing, Isobel wouldn’t need to try to get into Rosa’s head, because she would know what Rosa knew—she being the one who told her. That plot point doesn’t make sense if Isobel told Rosa and that’s the whole story.

It’s also possible that “I wish it could always be this way” is something Rosa said to Liz pre-memory-wipe because they were having a good honest sober moment together and Rosa knew it would be taken away/erased from Liz’s memory and was sad about that. It didn’t have to come from Isobel’s memory. It could have come from previously-erased memories of Liz. That is not Isobel’s first time splashing around in that particular kiddy pool.

So, Isobel telling Rosa could be something, but it can’t be the whole secret, in part because of the episode 4 plot point, but also because Michael’s hand injury is being made important, and the connection to Alex is being made important. So, more than just Isobel-to-Rosa went into Rosa knowing more than she should have, such as perhaps Michael somehow telling Alex telling Rosa and Maria, which would also explain how Maria knows more than she’s letting on (which we all know she does).

Part 8: The Alien3 played a direct part in Rosa’s death, but didn’t actually do it, so what on earth else could have led them to be involved? And, besides them saying TOO MANY SECRETS five times an episode, how do we know they were involved?

a) Max also says everything he’s ever done is “to protect Isobel and you (Michael).” That’s not a “I’m sneaky and don’t tell people secrets” thing to say, that’s an “I’ve actively done things” thing to say. This also explains, in part, why he won’t admit what happened. He helped cover up the truth.

b) That defensive statement (see 8:a) was in response to Michael saying “How could you do that to Isobel.” Full stop. To Isobel. Which means they all know Isobel is involved, and that it’s Max’s acknowledged responsibility to protect her specifically as his adopted sister. Cool. But then, back at Max’s house, when Max says he’s going to tell Liz the truth about them being aliens, Isobel says “Michael would never forgive you.” Hmm. That stands out, doesn’t it? Why would Michael specifically not forgive him for telling Liz? And why would that be a rhetorically convincing argument for Isobel to make? It doesn’t make sense if it’s just “because none of us want it to get out.” Nope. It has to be specific. It has to be something that impacted Michael a different way than it impacted the other two of them. Something that helped turn him from AP Wonder-Boy into junkyard car repair man. Something that he still hasn’t recovered from. What could that be? The Michael we know doesn’t really care about anything—Max as much as said so in the Pilot. Except. Except that Isobel asks if there really isn’t anyone he’d risk everything to save. And we get the most longing of looks from Michael, because there is someone he’d risk everything to save. There is something that would be a rhetorically effective parallel situation to try and use when Isobel wants to convince Max he can’t tell the person he loves the truth. There’s exactly one thing that would check all those boxes. Because, ten years ago, when things got real and Rosa died and they all got tied up in that mess, Michael lost Alex.

Part 9: Conclusion

So, it goes something like this: Alex, somehow, killed Rosa. And Michael was involved and that’s when he hurt his hand. Car crash makes sense. Isobel had to brain edit Alex because Michael asked her to protect him, but she couldn’t erase everything of that kind of trauma. Maybe she made Alex think something different happened, something involving Michael that gave him the reason to walk away. Maybe he remembers the accident but not details and fault or had to pretend he wasn’t there. We know there are limits to Isobel’s abilities because Michael asks her in episode 3 if “you weren’t strong enough” to control Liz’s mind which, if she’s always been able to make people think what she wanted, wouldn’t occur to him. (This might also explain why Maria still knows something). This means that both Michael and Isobel would have been implicated in Rosa’s death, that they both would have needed protecting, that Michael could also have been injured, that Michael and Alex could have had to lose each other—either by choice or by side-effect of brain-erasure—and that Max would have been implicated trying to protect them because that handprint was sure there in that photo. If Max tried, but failed, to save Rosa, this would all almost add up. We have evidence for Max having tried to save Rosa, or at least that he’s tried to save someone before. He says he never saves people, but he could also tell Liz how long it would take for the handprint to go away and knew how to use it to show memories. Liz is not his first-time of the handprint variety.

Admittedly, it’s not perfect. But it would explain what separated Malex back then. It would explain multiple secrets they’re all involved with in a way that keeps them interconnected. It would explain Michael’s eagerness to brain erase Liz from the start, and why he’s Jeep-kicking mad in the promo for Episode 4 when the three of them talk about Liz accusing Max of killing Rosa. Y’all, we know Michael doesn’t fight for himself, doesn’t fight for any kind of life of his own. But would he fight to protect Alex? Is Alex someone he would risk everything to save? Hell yes. What if what he’d have to risk was Alex? Their relationship, memories of them together, etc? What if he was saving him from a memory of killing one of his friends? From where I’m standing, that’s something Michael would risk losing him for. It would also explain why Max just doesn’t freaking tell Liz what happened. Alex was her friend, was Rosa’s friend, and–as Kyle pointed out last episode—the town threw him a parade when he came home from overseas. The man—the white man, with the white military family—who killed her sister—child of undocumented immigrants—is a town hero. Of course, they couldn’t have known ten years ago that would be how Alex ended up, but does that kind of conflict fit the world of CWRoswellNM as we know it so far? Yep. If Liz knew it was Alex... if she knew that Michael and Isobel helped cover it up... That would be huge. And it would explain Max’s guilt over what happened to Rosa, even if she wasn’t capital-M-murdered. Even if it was an accident. And why Isobel and Max are so adamant that she can never know, why Max is so adamant. In this scenario, they all have something to lose. Including Liz.

Part 10: Loose Ends

I know what you’re thinking: if it wasn’t an alien coverup, how or why did the military fake Rosa’s accident with a fake appendix-having body or at least fake medical records when they had the real evidence with that terrible picture? I am going to point you to Alex’s dad and his recently-revealed attachment to reputation. How much wouldn’t he do to protect his soldier sons? The image of his family? I don’t think there’s much he wouldn’t do if he knew of Alex’s involvement, but I don’t think he needed to know to engage in the cover-up. The handprint could have been there from Max trying to save Rosa after the crash, and OG Sheriff Valente called Alex’s dad and was like UM ALIENS and then the faking commenced. After all, we know OG Valente knew: we saw those drawings in the supposedly-crazy letters. In addition, the conflict between those two over the event could also explain their falling out and why there would be things in OG Valente’s letters that Alex’s dad didn’t know.

So who is Ophiuchus, you ask? I have no clue.

[kakosindustries]

The Live Episode from February 10th, 2019 in Phoenix, Arizona. CW: References to Euthanasia/Suicide.

[[Kakos Bells]]

Intro: What you are about to hear is positive, honest, and uplifting entertainment.

[[Guitar Intro]]

Greetings. Welcome. Take your seats. Feel free to get a drink at any time because you’re going to need it. It’s really best that you stay lubricated for this.

Just so you know, we are now recording this show so that we may better market to you in the future and exploit your every weakness, so if you don’t want what you have to say to go on the Internet, then please keep your mouth shut. Laughter is fine. Screams of terror are fine. Coughing and sneezing are frowned upon. Talking to your buddy about something totally unrelated is a capital crime.

I have just received word that the outside world as we knew it ended moments ago. It is chaos, carnage, death, and destruction out there. The fortunate news is that we are all still alive. That will remain fortunate news right up until we have to start eating each other. In that case, then the people who died instantly above will be the lucky ones.

Tip your bartenders well because money is meaningless now. Everything from here on out is social currency and sexual favors.

My name is Corin Deeth III. I am CEO of Kakos Industries, the sponsor of tonight’s event. You see, even though the world as we know it has ended, Kakos Industries, the company that specializes in helping its clients to Do Evil Better, will continue on. We will continue to do Evil and to advance Evil, and to help everyone everywhere, at least everyone who’s left, to do Evil. Kakos Industries has its innumerable tendrils in everything. From technological advancements, to new techniques for economic exploitation, to the feeling you have when you’re fucking someone you like, but they like like you and you’re really not sure you can keep fucking them with the constant guilt of obviously caring less. We help the world to do Evil. Additionally, if you were going to ghost your date after tonight… whoops.

And that’s where you come in, guests. You see, we need you. Now that the vast majority of humanity is either exterminated or in the process of being exterminated, we need you. Without humanity, there can be no Evil. Nature sets itself apart from humanity in its total and complete neutrality. With humanity, good and Evil can exist. So we need some of you miserable bastards to stick around to stay miserable. It’s really an honor, if you think about it. And the price of admission? Just five dollars? Eight at the door? To be given the privilege of rebooting society? That’s pretty nice.

[[Heat Lightning]]

Quick FAQ:

What has caused the apocalypse? We do not know at this time. It currently seems as though it was a lot of things all at once. Or one thing many times. We’re looking into it and we will bring you details as we get them.

Who caused the apocalypse? Was it the guy we’re thinking of? No. It was us. We did it. We caused it. And as soon as we figure out how, we’ll brag about how we did it. No one has paid us to take blame. Not even with luxury apocalypse bunkers. We already have those. We did it. Just for fun. It was all us.

What does this mean for my loved ones? They are so fucking dead. So fucking dead. We hope that you brought the people you like the most here because everyone else is just fucking toast at this point. And if they’re not, then they are in danger of being crushed, impaled, dissolved, or eaten at this very moment, and I’m not an actuary, but they likely won’t survive long.

Can I leave to try to save my family and friends? No. We’ve locked the bunker, and we are all in here permanently. Take a look around you. Take in your surroundings. These are your new digs for the rest of your life. Take a look at the people in the room. These are your new best friends. These are your new enemies. These are the grandparents to your grandchildren. Assuming this apocalypse takes that long to work its way out. If there’s no radiation or renegade AI, we might be out of here in a year or two.

What about these people that keep filtering into the room? Aren’t they breaking the immersion? Well, those people have come here through the huge series of access tunnels that connect all basement spaces like this one. They escaped the apocalypse at the same time as you, but they just got here a little later. Nothing to worry about.

Was this whole thing planned? How did you know to bring us down here? Another thoughtful question. Yes. Probably. We’re still working out the details of exactly what we did, but I can assure you it was very intentional. Everything we do is very intentional. And well planned.

Is my student loan debt really gone? Can it be true? Have no fear. We will find a way to keep you in debtors’ hell forever.

Other important rules. You have to ride the electricity generating bike if you want a turn with the bluetooth speaker. Well that about covers it.

[[Unpointedness]]

Take a look under your seat. You will have a card under there outlining your new social class here in the apocalypse and your expectations. Some of us will have to work with our hands, others will work with our brains. Some will collect the muck slime, others will prepare the muck slime, but we will all eat the muck slime. Who’s a mage? Just kidding, that’s not a real class. Who is a soldier? You will need to do violence on our behalf, especially keeping the eventual tide of monsters at bay. We thank you in advance for your sacrifice. If I were you, I would tune out the rest of what I’m saying, and start eyeing up what you can use from around the room as a weapon.

The janitors will be responsible for cleaning all of the floors and rooms, and also the people who get so depressed that they can’t shower. Who is the scribe? Please begin writing down everything I say. In fact, if you could write down everything I’ve already said, that would be super.

After the show, we will have two of you fight for our entertainment. Please look at your new social class cards. Who’s a fighter? Oh, three of you? It’s thunderdome then.

Who is the golden child? You are now the luckiest, most talented, and most successful among us, and we will all love and resent you.

Who got bad joke recipient? You will now have to listen to all of the jokes that we as a subterranean society can come up with, and laugh at every single one of them. Even the bad ones. Even the ones that you personally disagree with.

Who is the werewolf? Just kidding. We’ll all close our eyes later for that part.

Also, there will be no elections. I am in charge. The end. Except for mine inspector. We will continue to elect mine inspector. It’s a critical position.

Now that we have the ground rules laid, it’s time to take part in the apocalypse pledge of allegiance. Hands over hearts. Repeat after me. We promise to Do Evil at all times, except when that Evil might mean the extinction of the species, without which Evil cannot continue. We hereby promise to walk that fine line and Do Evil Better. Amen, brother. Thank you for doing that. It is legally, as well as morally binding.

So how many of you were Shareholders in Kakos Industries before tonight? (some sort of response) Well, you are all shareholders now, which means that you can rest easily knowing that your contributions have helped to promote the spread of Evil everywhere in the world. Income inequality. Hunger. Political meddling of all kinds. And everyone’s favorite: Sex. Anyone planning on having sex today? (We’ve got some confident people in the audience today.) In the bunker. Wow. We haven’t even given you your room assignments yet.

[[Elusiveness]]

Before we get too far, we should probably check in on that apocalypse. Right now, we’ve got our field agent Titus Lachlan on the surface, risking life and limb so that we might be able to learn a bit more about the disaster on the surface.

Corin: Come in, Titus. Can you hear me?

Titus (ADAM): Yeah, Corin. I can hear you. I just found some cover.

Corin: What’s going on out there?

Titus: I am as of this time still uncertain. It’s quite dusty out and I am finding it difficult to see.

Corin: Dusty… everywhere?

Titus: Well, I stopped to have a beer under a tree, and it is very dusty right here in particular.

Corin: Well, can you move to another location to give us some useful details?

Titus: I would love to do that, Corin. Just as soon as I finish my bitter.

Corin: Titus, I don’t mean to dwell on the negative here, but you could die at any time. Isn’t there something useful you can tell us?

Titus: Well, that’s where you’re wrong, Corin. I am totally impervious to apocalypses. The worst thing that can happen to me is that I will be the only one left alive when this is all said and done, which, admittedly, is pretty bad now that I think of it.

Corin: How can you be impervious to apocalypses?

Titus: An experiment went wrong, and here I am.

Corin: But how could you know that you’re impervious? The only apocalypse to happen is the one that just happened.

Titus: The scientists used concentrated apocalypse beams in the lab and I withstood all of them. No matter if it’s the biblical end times or a sciencey one, I’ll be right as rain.

Corin: How much beer do you have left?

Titus: It’s a tall boy, Corin. I’ll be sipping for another few minutes at least.

Corin: Well, radio in when you have something.

Titus might not have anything of use, but we can still listen in on what’s going on at the nearest listening station.

([1] – some distorted screaming, explosions, gunshots, fire sounds, etc)

Well, that sounded pretty bad. Remember that all of that is out there waiting for you if you feel the need to go smoke. Might want to wait a little bit.

I have in front of me a list of all the possible causes of the apocalypse. First item is giant robot AI. That is interesting. I should double check that with our resident robot expert, Dirk Cornelius Sexplosion, CEO of Giant-Ass Robots to Kick In Your Face. I say resident expert because he made the mistake of coming to live in this bunker, making him a resident.

New shareholders and old shareholders alike, you will enjoy hearing from Dirk. He is a man of such tremendous Evil, such dastardly masculinity, such malicious ingenuity, that we are truly lucky to have him here. He makes enormous metal machines that cause unfathomable amounts of damage worldwide, but his strength of will is even stronger. He is the master of manliness, the zenith of zero compassion, and the pinnacle of penility. Let me introduce Dirk motherfucking Sexplosion.

[[Pythonidae]]

(Dirk sobs)

Corin: Oh, for fuck’s sake, it’s the apocalypse, man. Get yourself together!

Dirk (ANWAR): I’m trying! It’s… It’s not the apocalypse.

Corin: What’s the problem?

Dirk: It’s… my family, Corin. My wives. My husband. Our dogs and hedgehog.

Corin: They’re all here. We evacuated them before we definitely caused the apocalypse.

Dirk: It’s not that. They’re safe and sound and set up in our luxury apocalypse bunker away from all of these filthy normal people. But they’re just so angry at me, Corin.

Corin: Dirk, it’s not unusual for friends and family to not understand your relationship with or appreciation of Evil. We have support groups for that.

Dirk: It’s not that, Corin. It’s… They think I caused the apocalypse.

Corin: That’s ridiculous, Dirk. We caused the apocalypse. Possibly using your robots, but it was us, not you. I have lists here of everything you were working on and none of them could have ended the world individually.

Dirk: There’s more than just that, Corin.

Corin: Go on.

Dirk: Well, you see, you’re always pushing me to be more Evil. Harder. Toxically manlier.

Corin: Well, Dirk, you tend to bring me really wimpy shit. Like giant dog robots that humans pilot so they can feel like puppies.

Dirk: Well, I decided I had enough of being so sad about stuff like that and I was just going to push through it. I was going to make a giant robot that could destroy the world. I kept it off the books. No one was to know about it until it was done. The MegaDeFuckulatrix 9 Quadrillion.

Corin: I’m going to set aside my frustration at your dishonesty for a moment. Don’t tell me this robot could feel the desperation of aging or some bullshit like that.

Dirk: (through sobs) It had rocket launchers firing spent uranium.

Corin: That sound sick as shit.

Dirk: It had enormous blades to destroy entire forests!

Corin: Rad.

Dirk: It could set fires large enough to change the weather hundreds of miles away!

Corin: I’m really loving this robot.

Dirk: Its fuel source was people!

Corin: Fuck yeah.

Dirk: I mean, not just people, but people are its favorite.

Corin: Dirk, I’m not mad at you. I’m just amazed. I love the MegaDeFuckulatrix 9 Quadrillion. You did all of this on your own without our help?

Dirk: It took everything I had. And I went too far, Corin! I killed all people. Now there’s no one left. And my family is so mad at me.

Titus: Come in, Corin.

Corin: What is it Titus?

Titus: The dust where I’m sitting has started to subside and it looks like there’s a giant robot here.

Dirk: MegaDeFuckulatrix 9 Quadrillion!

Titus: Ah, yep. That’s what it says on it. Right on the shaft of its big robo dick.

Corin: Dirk, you gave the robot a dick?

Dirk: We’ve been over this, Corin. If the robot doesn’t have a dick, then none of the other parts fit together. You just have a pile of robot parts on the floor. And that’s not going to feast on any humans, is it?

Titus: Well, the robot is now rocking back and forth on it’s robo buttocks, and it appears to be sobbing. It is trying to eat the trees nearby, but it is not having a good go of it.

Dirk: But it eats people. For fuel. Not trees.

Titus: Well, it looks like it might have grown a conscience. It didn’t even do that much damage first. Looks like maybe one factory destroyed, no more than maybe seventy five people. I don’t think this big guy caused the apocalypse.

[Robot Crying]

Dirk: He sounds so sad! But that means… I’m in the clear?

Corin: It looks like it. Thank you, Titus. Please let me know if you discover anything else.

Titus: Right-o. Titus out.

Dirk: MegaDeFuckulatrix 9 Quadrillion is just like me. It tries so hard, but then, it’s just so sad.

Corin: Just like you.

Dirk: I’m so relieved, Corin. My family will be so happy to hear this.

Corin: So the next item on my list is AI robot swarms. Do you know anything about those, Dirk?

Dirk: Huh? No. We don’t use artificial intelligence. We only use artificial stupidity and artificial emotional instability.

Corin: I think I can see what happened here. Well, you can go back to your family, then.

Dirk: But… my son is out there, Corin.

Corin: MegaDeFuckulatrix 9 Quadrillion?

Dirk: He’s so sad and out there all alone. I should help him, Corin. I can teach him to eat plants if that will make him happy.

Corin: It’s the apocalypse out there, Dirk, and you’re not apocalypse proof. I think this will sort itself out. And you can’t leave.

Dirk: I just want my boy to be happy, Corin!

Corin: Go to your family, Dirk.

Dirk: Yes. You’re right, Corin. My boy will be fine out there.

Corin: That’s not what I said– I mean, yeah, he’ll be fine.

[[Bawdry]]

Talking to Dirk, I almost forgot about our impending doom for a minute there. Let’s check in on the horror outside.

([2] – Another really terrible sound)

That still sounds pretty bad. Maybe it’s mutants. That would be fun. To tell us more about mutants, we have Mitch Grody from the Division of Mutants and Freaks, author of What to Expect When You’re Expecting to Severely Mutate to tell us more.

Mitch (ADAM): It’s great to be here, Corin.

Corin: So what do you have to tell us today?

Mitch: Well, Corin, as you know, I’m a mutant. And I just want to tell everyone in here that there’s nothing to worry about. In the event that this apocalypse has been caused by radiation or some virulent mutagen that the shareholders were unable to avoid for any reason, I am here to tell them that it’s okay to be a mutant. I’m a mutant, and I live a full and happy life.

Corin: How did your mutation come to be?

Mitch: Well, I used to be a lab tech testing new and strange genetic modifications. One day, I noticed we forgot to put the right specimen in the chamber and I went to switch it out real quick when the gene laser hit me right in the family jewels. I didn’t think much of it at the time, but when I woke up the next day, I had two penises, Corin. I thought that was pretty neat. The next day, I had three penises, and I think we can all agree that’s too many. Right ladies? Clap if you think three penises is too many.

Corin: So what was the rest of the transformation like?

Mitch: Well, as you can see, the rest of my skin got kind of weird. Lumpy. Flaky. Weird. And I also have a few other organs that have split in three. My liver being one. Alcohol doesn’t affect me any longer. And then my life took a pretty steep decline. My girlfriend couldn’t keep up with my three dicks. They all have different personalities, you know. Different needs. And tastes. So my girlfriend left. Then my landlord kicked me out. I mean, all I had done was cover my apartment in moss. People don’t realize how nice it is to sleep on moss when your skin is so lumpy and flaky. This was in the days before the Mutant Non-Discrimination Act. Things are so much better now.

Corin: How did you learn to cope? It’s important for our shareholders who might be mutating at this moment to know there’s hope.

Mitch: Well, I found a new lover with three vaginas. And a penis. I didn’t think I’d like that, but it grew on me. Not literally. Still just the three penises here. Anyway, she and I are very much in love, even after she found out that I caused her mutation due to my own loneliness. I needed another mutant freak to be with, and I arranged for her to have an accident. It seems that no one else will love her now. I call that a victory, Corin.

Corin: You are a mutant, and a monster. Do you have any recommendations for people just beginning to mutate?

Mitch: Thank you, Corin, for pitching my book. I would tell anyone feeling the tug of the mutated fates that they should begin to study mutation. Know it inside and out. Learn everything you can from everyone you can. Begin experimenting as much as possible. And when the time comes, act as selfishly as possible and patch things up later. And by that, I mean find someone special, and dose them with just the right mutagens to get them to be your perfect missing piece. And if you happen to end up with four vaginas and three penises, my lover and I are currently looking for a swinging partner.

Corin: Well, I don’t know how anyone can be depressed about their progressing mutation with advice like that. Thank you, Mitch.

Titus: Come in, Corin.

Corin: I’m here.

Titus: I just tasted the dirt up here. It does not taste like radiation or mutagens. That is conclusive evidence.

Corin: Well… okay. I’ll take your word for it.

[[Aerator]]

So as shareholders in Kakos Industries, it is important to have pride in what you are now a part of. I would like to tell you about a few of our ongoing programs that will be contributing to Evil in the post-apocalyptic future.

The first program is The Better Mutants from our partner Better Mutations Inc. While we just learned that there will be no mutants in the post-apocalypse due to radiation or mutagens, we all have certain expectations for what should be out there when we finally surface. For this reason, The Better Mutants project was undertaken. As we speak, ordinary animals like crows, pigeons, lizards, and rabbits are all being modified to be larger and far more hazardous. Sharper teeth, a thirst for blood, and acidic secretions they shoot out of their eyeballs. It will really help to sell the post-apocalypse stylistically speaking in the future, which I think we can all appreciate. Or at least our great grandchildren will. They will think, “Thank Evil this wasteland is so dangerous. My immersion would have been broken otherwise!”

We also occasionally spend time working with fashion. While it’s great fun and great Evil designing clothes that no one can fit into, or clothes that make us look so sexually exciting that it’s difficult to think about anything other than sex, until the clothes come off and we realize just how deeply unappealing all of us humans are at the base level when undoctored by makeup and wardrobe. But for now, our Division of Adornments has taken a much more serious task. That is, to keep the wasteland sexy. I know for a fact that none of you in this room would be satisfied to see a wasteland where no one is hot. So they’ve been leaving stashes of ripped and torn clothing, but in like better ways than would happen at random, so our descendants will look amazing while still fitting into that scavenger aesthetic. This way, we can imagine an apocalypse the way we might like to imagine it, especially as we are quietly satisfying ourselves so as not to disturb our neighbor in the next bunk.

([Noise 1])

[[Melantha Keys]]

Melantha (BECCA): Corin. I’m interrupting you.

Corin: Ah, Melantha Murther, CEO of [Competitor – Corin Pronunciation], our largest competitor.

Melantha: You sound like you have a speech impediment. Or damage to the speech processing section of your brain. It’s pronounced [Competitor – Melantha Pronunciation].

Corin: Ah, I see. My mistake.

Melantha: It happens all the time. It’s a useful Shiboleth for finding out who around me is a complete idiot.

Corin: How is your apocalypse, Melantha?

Melantha: It’s fantastic. So hot! We finished the hole under our building just in time, and we just dropped the whole thing down underground to safety. Now, nothing can touch us, and we can keep doing Evil.

Corin: That’s comforting news. It seems that our rivalry will go on, then.

Melantha: Rivalry? Don’t be silly. It’s not like you caused the apocalypse.

Corin: What? Of course we caused the apocalypse.

Melantha: No. You didn’t. We did. Because we are far more Evil than you. No Evil Left Undone. That’s our motto, and the apocalypse was the obvious next step when we had finished all the other Evils.

Corin: Then how did the apocalypse happen?

Melantha: Well… it was… obviously an extremely infectious venereal disease from our lab. It makes people just do it a whole lot, all over the place, in all the positions. Doing it. And spreading the disease until everyone is doing it. But then your nose falls off. And then you die.

Titus: Come in, Corin.

Corin: Go ahead, Titus.

Melantha: Are you taking another call? Right now?

Titus: I just got lucky, Corin. Just rooted a woman here on the surface. She was looking to feel something other than fear for a few moments and pulled me aside to do the deed. I can safely confirm that venereal disease has not caused the apocalypse. I am detecting nothing abnormal about my loins at all. The woman ran off, so I couldn’t do any, uh, further testing. But, Definitely not VD.

Corin: Excellent news, Titus. Do you hear that, Melantha? You didn’t cause the apocalypse.

Melantha: Then what did?

Corin: Well, obviously, it was… drugs?

Titus: Corin, I have just snorted some of the dirt. No buzz at all. Not a thing. Not even a little bit. It wasn’t drugs either.

Melantha: Then you don’t know either! Ha! It seems this is a draw, Corin! I’ll just keep investigating until I figure out that I caused this and then I will rub your face in it. Hahahahaha!

[Noise 2]

Corin: Or maybe I caused it! I mean… I could have. We’ll get to the bottom of this, shareholders.

But first, let’s take a brief intermission. If you haven’t already, please tell us what is most Evil on the pad of paper here at the front, and throw your name into the Ruin-A-Life Drawing.

[[Stop Music]]

INTERMISSION

We will now need a volunteer from the audience. Who wants to read? (Don’t make me pick one of you at random)

[[Flathead]]

What’s your name? Thank you for coming to the stage. Ladies, gentlemen, and everyone else, this is X. Thank you so much for joining us today. Now, as I understand it, you have volunteered to seal the tunnels from the outside and brave whatever terrors might be waiting for you out there to save all of us. This is truly a dangerous and terrible task, and we thank you for that.

Guest: I have no idea what you are talking about.

Corin: Ah, yes, I did hear about the head injury you encountered earlier. It can play havoc with your memories.

Guest: I did not volunteer to do anything dangerous.

Corin: Don’t be ridiculous. It was very brave. We were all very impressed.

Guest: Just a moment ago, you asked for volunteers to come read a part.

Corin: That doesn’t sound right. I introduced you, you came to the stage and now you are telling me about the brave and dangerous feat ahead of you, and I am telling you just how brave and courageous we think you are. Thank you for your service.

Guest: You asked me to come read. Anyone in the audience will remember that.

Corin: The audience does not remember that. And if they do, then there’s a kind of thing called a collective hallucination. If anyone remembers me asking for you to come up here from the audience, they are just remembering wrong. You are a guest like any other on this show. We talked about it earlier. Your family did mention you might have some memory troubles, though.

Guest: I have no idea what’s happening.

Corin: None of us do. It’s the apocalypse. It is all very scary and we are all thankful that you are going to do this selfless thing and go battle with escaped monsters and terrible biological pathogens that are certain to be lining the tunnels now until you finally fall to one of their attacks, saving all of us.

Guest: This is crazy. I volunteered for none of that. I just came here to watch a show because you asked me to on Facebook.

Corin: Oh, bless your heart. We will never forget your sacrifice.

Guest: I simply will not do this thing.

Corin: That’s okay. We have several people standing by to escort you to your new task. Everyone please applaud as this brave soul goes to do something unimaginably brave and selfless for all of us. And die a terrible death. (You can go now)

It’s been a minute since we checked outside. Let’s have a listen.

[3] (More Terrible sounds)

At Kakos Industries, we are known for our parties. Of course, we’re Evil and we take the time to party whenever we can. I know that some of you long time shareholders might be concerned about how we might continue this critical part of our operations in these new, dramatically worsened circumstances. Obviously, we will all have to make some modifications, and that includes how we will celebrate. Right now, we should be having the Shareholders’ Ball, the most extravagant party of the year for us at Kakos Industries. It’s that time when we celebrate you, the shareholders. We spare no expense, and violate whatever morals we might have left, to bring you a feast and entertainment to truly remember. We’re still working out the kinks, but it’s likely the entertainment and the food offerings will be human suffering themed. Because we’ve got a lot of it right now. Those of you with chef on your new class cards should get to work so I don’t look like a fool when the time comes.

There’s also the Festival of Books. We do have a few books. They are all Dan Brown novels, though. Sorry about that. Not quite as exciting as we’re used to.

The CEO Festival is the festival where you all celebrate me. I did mention the thunderdome, right? It’ll probably be a thunderdome kind of thing. And the Festival of the Dance? Probably thunderdome. The Festival of Darkness will occur any time someone uses the bluetooth speaker without using the electric bike. It’ll trip the breaker and turn out the lights. Festival of Somnambulation? That’ll also be a thunderdome. The Thunderdome Festival will be a quiet game of cards, though.

I mentioned our low supply of books, but it would seem that the rest of our media is somewhat limited as well. The Internet has been completely destroyed. (pause) That’s what I thought. We’re not really that sad about it, are we? We’ve been kind of like, waiting for it to go for a while now, right? Before the apocalypse we tried to archive as much of the Internet as possible, so we could pretend like it still exists for some time, but the only things we managed to save were extreme right wing terrorist forums, so we deleted them. Also we saved the most recent meme to be posted to the Internet right before everything went to shit. It’s not a good one, but it is the last thing humanity did before the end of the world. It’s a kitten, on a blue background, and it says “This apocalypse shit is freaking meowt.” Congratulations, humanity.

[[Overdraught]]

To speak with us a bit more about the limited media we still have access to, we are now joined by Lisa Librera, the curator of what remains of our archives of entertainment. So, Lisa, what do we have to keep ourselves busy?

Lisa (KELSEY): Thank you, Corin. In addition to the books you mentioned and the lovely meme that will need to sustain us for the rest of time, we also have a small collection of VHS tapes, but they are all either commercial releases of Showgirls, the Ernest collection, or television taped in Super Long Play mode by someone’s grandmother. We know whose, we’re just not comfortable sharing that information right now. You will have to check them out and return them in one piece. Also, there is only one VCR, and it stays in the break room.

Corin: That seems difficult, but I assume we will adapt quickly.

Lisa: We also have a complete collection of Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass on Vinyl, and an extremely worn copy of Thriller. The stylus has broken on our turntable, however. For other auditory entertainment, we also have this kitschy digital remote control that just plays fart sounds. Please use this responsibly.

Corin: If anyone can be trusted with such a power, it is our shareholders.

Lisa: We also have many of the Earth’s greatest works of art that you can look at through a window on the far side of the break room. Please do not concern yourselves with the identities of the masked figures who move the art around and sort it, and do not concern yourself with how we got any of it either.

Corin: I can think of nothing concerning about any of that. At least not to my sensibilities.

Lisa: There are six decks of cards. You will need to show proof that you will be playing cards with at least one other person before you will be allowed to check one out. No solitaire. We don’t have the resources for solitaire. We also have some dice, but they are exclusively for gambling.

Corin: I was going to ask about gambling. I’m glad that particular aspect of humanity will continue into the apocalypse.

Lisa: There is one puzzle. We don’t know what it’s supposed to look like when completed, or if all of the pieces are there, or if all of the pieces are even from the same puzzle.

Corin: I’m sure we will find out quickly.

Lisa: There are also several copies of Monopoly that I expect none of you to play. We also have a Bop-It, and a Skip-It. We expect them to be completely broken by tomorrow.

Corin: I can see that.

Lisa: There is also just one remaining porno magazine. It will be kept under lock and key. You will have to make an appointment, look at it, memorize whatever you need, and then go about your way, leaving it in the case. I am told, however, that there is something for everyone in it.

Corin: What about people who need more physical activity to keep themselves sane?

Lisa: You’ve already mentioned the exercise bike and the blue tooth speaker, but we do have a complete weight room in case you feel like getting prison jacked while you’re down here, and why not. We also have the GED prep book for anyone who wants to better themselves. We cannot guarantee that the information in this book is going to be valuable in the post apocalypse, but it’s about time you got yourself back into school.

Corin: That makes sense. It’s never too late for self improvement.

Lisa: We also have a limited supply of a variety of colors of paint so that you may while away the hours watching them dry. There’s also this cup and ball thing that I think we’re all going to be experts at soon enough, and a single puzzle cube, but it’s missing two of the face stickers. We don’t have the right color markers to do anything about that.

Corin: Well it seems like we might be just about set for the rest of our lives down here. Is there anything else?

Lisa: We also have one of those floor mats that promises to teach you to do the Jitterbug, but we lost the instructions. And the music.

Corin: That’s too bad. Thank you for joining us.

[[Helena]]

Corin: Hey, Titus.

Titus: Yes, Corin?

Corin: Is there any chance the apocalypse was caused by boredom?

Titus: I certainly don’t think so, Corin. If anything, it is quite exciting out here. I am positively riveted. It reminds me of my youth, when I used to cliff dive into waters just infested with jellies to show them who was boss.

I have a note here saying that our next guest is Deborah Highlow, from the Division of Animal Husbandry. Well, okay.

Deborah (BECCA): I appreciate you asking me here, Corin.

Corin: I definitely didn’t do that.

Deborah: I have something very important to talk about today.

Corin: Okay. Go ahead.

Deborah: It’s about the animals we have here in the bunker. Our livestock.

Corin: Do you want to talk with us about how to handle the animals and make sure that they last for generations to come?

Deborah: No, all of that is automated. I have something more important to talk about. May I address the shareholders directly?

Corin: Uh, yeah. I guess.

Deborah: Hello shareholders. My name is Deborah. I work with animals every day. I love animals and all that they have to offer us, so I want to talk to you about the most pressing issue facing us now that we are locked in this basement with the livestock. And that is overcoming your lust for them.

Corin: I’m going to cut you off right there, Deborah.

Deborah: Corin, this is important. Let me finish.

Corin: No guarantees.

Deborah: We’ve all been there. You catch the eye of that beautiful, glistening pack animal, and you think, there is nothing I want inside of me more than that animal.

Corin: Like to eat?

Deborah: No, Corin. Not to eat.

Corin: Please let’s not do this.

Deborah: You start by stroking its mane.

Corin: No.

Deborah: and maybe you get a little bit experimental.

Corin: Please stop.

Deborah: But this is wrong. We cannot fuck the animals.

Corin: Didn’t even cross my mind.

Deborah: You say that now, Corin. But just wait three months, down here, with all of these people. You’ll fuck half of them by next month. But then what will excite you?

Corin: Three months sounds like a short amount of time for this kind of change.

Deborah: You’ll start looking to the cows. Or the chickens. Or the horses.

Corin: There aren’t any horses down here.

Deborah: Oh, what a relief then. Actually, it was primarily the horses I was worried about. Now I feel silly for even bringing this up.

Corin: Well, I feel… silly isn’t the right word.

Deborah: Goodbye, Corin.

So… we’re going to have to get someone to fuck Deborah. Like a human person. Fall on that sword, guys. Because there will be no animal fucking in here.

Now we recognize it can get kind of boring down here, especially if you don’t have a whole lot of friends in this group, which is why we’re starting up some extracurricular activities to stay busy. We will have a choir. We currently only have the sheet music for acapella Sweet Caroline, but I’m sure you resourceful people will figure out some other songs.

We’re also going to have some roleplaying groups, but each group will have that guy that tries to game the system in a super unfun way. We also have one amongst us who can teach everyone else to make pottery. I am told that there is also an inflatable hot tub, but the heater is broken, and it probably has a hole in it.

I am now joined by Dennis Leelio, Director of The Intergalactic Network For Otherworldly Industry Liaisons, or TINFOIL for short.

[[Automat 2]]

Corin: What do you have to talk about today, Dennis?

Dennis (ANWAR): Well, usually, COrin, I deal with outer space shit. Aliens. Making alliances. Maintaining trade. Getting the good Froobberries from Markalon 99, okay? But now, we’re underground. I could have been in space for the apocalypse, but you decided to bring me back to Earth so that I could join you guys in the fucking ground. Real, exciting, Corin. Just a great fucking time for me. And now what do they ask me to do, Corin? They ask me to keep an eye on the drug stash. They know that I get a little cranky when I have chardonnay. They know I’m not going to touch the blow, or the blizz, or the weed cigarettes. But now I have the unenviable task of keeping these fucking drug fiends out there away from the stash so it lasts a while. There are no more drugs, Corin. What we’ve got is what we’ve got. No pens, no powders, no leaves, no flowers. We’re not getting any more, okay? So we’ve got to let everyone down real easy. Did you see that, Corin? Half of your damn shareholders just stiffened up knowing that they can’t smoke their jazz herbs every day for the rest of the apocalypse. Their buttholes just got real tight, Corin. And look at that guy. He’s fucking itchy just at the thought of not having any nose sweets. This is real great for me, Corin. Just dealing with a bunch of drug addled people looking for their fix. People that you got addicted. And you know I can’t leave anyone else in charge of the stash. Not even Derek. He’ll do all the drugs, Corin. I left him at the stash for five minutes and I bet he’s done half of the stuff already. In fact, the longer I’m here talking to you, the less drugs we’re going to have because my idiot assistant has a serious meeblebock problem. That’s not even a drug we have here, Corin. He is so fucked when the sweats start, and you know who’s going to have to take care of him? You know who’s going to have to breastfeed him back to health? It sure as shit isn’t you, Corin. It’s me. I’m going to have to change his bedding when he soils himself, and what thanks do I get for any of this? None. No thanks. No thanks for Dennis. Maybe I should do the drugs, Corin. Maybe I should just stick my face in there and just snort, smoke and swallow, and inject until I’m a fucking vegetable. Then I won’t have to deal with this garbage. The apocalypse? Go fuck yourself, Corin. Go fuck yourself.

Corin: I’ll let you get back to the stash.

Dennis: Thank you.

Corin: Hey, Dennis.

Dennis: What?

Corin: Thank you.

Dennis: Oh, go fuck yourself, Corin. Go fuck yourself. I deserve better than this shit.

Titus: Come in, Corin.

Corin: Yep. Go ahead.

Titus: I have determined that the end is not due to lack of cheese. There’s still plenty of cheese up here.

Corin: That’s not even on my list of possibilities. Can you look into electromagnetic pulses or superstorms? Maybe global warming?

Titus: I’m on it, Corin. Just as soon as I sample some more cheese.

[[Landlike]]

Shareholders, I have just received a note from my grandfather. If you’re a new shareholder, then you should know that my grandfather wrote me a lot of letters before he died to cover a wide variety of contingencies. This one is titled “The Apocalypse”. He writes, “Well, Corin, it was bound to happen, wasn’t it. The end of the world. And you were bound to cause it. I didn’t, and my predecessors didn’t either, so we were due. Don’t feel too bad sport. Everything was always headed this direction. In this letter, I’ve included a key. It opens a lockbox in storage 38-99-A in the bunker. There’s a bottle of DarkMegaScotch in there. Toast the world for me, would you? Also, if the apocalypse is anything like those months I spent underground in the seventies researching our internal clocks and how Evil they are, then it’s important to put on pants every single day. Every day, Corin. You promise me. Every day. If you don’t, that’s when the problems start. Put your pants on. Even when you don’t want to. You have to. Every day. Every day. Love ya, kiddo.” Well, I’m wearing pants now. Advantageous start, I guess.

Let’s take a listen outside again.

([Not so terrible sound] Something silly, like a carnival or something. Geese. Laughter.)

That doesn’t sound right.

The Division of Incredibly Boring things is still at work, shareholders. This is one of my favorite divisions. They’re always doing such interesting things. Well, not interesting. The opposite, actually–

([Noise 1])

Corin: Who is it now?

Svetlana (MASHA): My name is Svetlana. I work for DarkMegaKGB.

Corin: Ah. New shareholders, the DarkMegaUSSR is one of our rivals. But their leader took almost everyone and started a colony on Mars.

Svetlana: It is the reddest of planets. Even if Vodya was a bit misguided in his desire to get there so soon. He has left some of us behind on Earth to continue bringing collectivized Evil to the world.

Corin: So why did you call? Are you going to take credit for the apocalypse?

Svetlana: This is just like you capitalists. You think that it is always competition and that person who goes biggest wins. And it is your short sightedness that brings us to this mess. This apocalypse. Communist Evil would last a hundred thousand generations. No History. No social unrest. Just Evil. But you, and your consumption, and your need to exploit every one of Earth’s resources in pursuit of shiny things, you have gone too far. Capitalism has done this, and now there is no one left to do Evil to. No one left in gulag. No one left in frozen wastes. All is wasted.

Corin: You think capitalism did this? I mean, sure. Why not. We’ll take the blame.

Svetlana: Short sighted as always.

Titus: Corin, I did some looking into the weather patterns.

Corin: Forget about that for a minute. Did capitalism cause the apocalypse?

Titus: Ah, Capitalism? Well… That’s a tricky one, Corin. I am not economist. Hold on.

(Titus makes nibbling sounds)

Titus: Well, Corin, I’ve just chewed some bark here. I can detect notes of runaway capitalism, notes of financial oligarchy, a hint of cronyism, and a lot of greed, but no, Corin. Capitalism may have helped, but it’s not the root of the problem.

Corin: Do you hear that Svetlana?

Svetlana: In that case, we will take credit for the apocalypse. Thank you for conceding, Mr. Deeth. It has made our job much easier.

([noise 2])

Corin: Oh, fuck.

Corin: Okay, Titus, tell me what you’ve discovered about the weather patterns.

[Wind]

Titus: Okay, here goes: It    is windy.

(pause)

Corin: That’s it?

Titus: This wind did not cause the apocalypse.

Corin: Then find out what did!

Titus: Ah, yep. That’s the point, Corin. Working on it. Titus out.

[STOP Wind]

Corin: This is getting pretty frustrating.

[[Equivocacy]]

Now to try to perk us up, I am joined by Francine Drow to talk with us about Euthanasia options. Wait, that doesn’t sound pleasant at all.

Francine (JESSIE): It most certainly isn’t, Corin, but we have to have this conversation.

Corin: I suppose I agree. We have to make sure that we have mature conversations about things like this.

Francine: And we also don’t want anyone making a fucking mess all over the bunker for everyone else to see and clean up. We understand, you know. This is all terribly depressing and the desire to leave it all behind is not difficult to empathize with. Why, I’m thinking about it right now myself. And that’s why we’ve decided to set up safe, sanitary, and most importantly, tidy ways of ending it all. The last thing we need is brains all over the fucking walls, or gallons of blood staining the floor for the rest of eternity. We also don’t want your bowels releasing anywhere other than the designated areas for that. It’s really about morale.

Corin: Morale?

Francine: Obviously. If we have a bunch of corpses piling up everywhere, and leaving remnants in the most difficult to clean nooks and crannies, then it will have a seriously negative effect on morale. People cannot be content in those circumstances.

Corin: So what do you recommend?

Francine: Well, we have a variety of ways to take you out for good that are far more agreeable than leaving yourself hanging like a flag, waving for all to see. We have drugs and a variety of painless poisons. And best of all, the emotional impact you have on the rest of us is far less with these methods. We can’t stop you from doing it, but we can ask that you not make it a whole thing, you know?

Corin: Do you have anything hopeful to say after all of that?

Francine: No matter how you die, we will harvest your sperm or eggs if you have any and use those to make more people in the future. We just can’t lose the genetic diversity.

Corin: I’m not sure that’s all that hopeful.

Francine: Did I forget to smile?

Corin: Thank you for joining us, Francine.

Let’s check in with the sounds outside to see how things are progressing.

[4](More terrible sounds)

That’s about what I expected.

[[Overt Operation]]

[Fire]

Titus: I have another update.

Corin: Go ahead.

Titus: It’s regarding global warming. It is rather warm where I am, but I am inside a burning building.

Corin: Titus, get out of there!

Titus: Don’t you worry, Corin. I’m apocalypse proof, remember?

Corin: Fine. But this isn’t useful information.

Titus: I’m only one man, Corin. I’m doing the best I can.

Corin: Well, keep at it. It seems like we might not figure out the answer to this enormous question before the end of the show here. We’ll have to distribute literature later or something. Or maybe have another show.

Titus: Whatever you think is best, Corin. I’m going to have another beer in the meantime.

[Can]

[STOP Fire]

They say that Evil once ate one half of each of two babies and sewed them up into one baby. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. New shareholders, this is the segment where we announce that we’re taking credit for Evil things around the world. We definitely did do these things, but it’s not always easy to prove how. Today, we are taking credit for ________, _________, and the apocalypse. I guess I said that one already. If you happen to disagree that we did any of these things, prepare to experience the apocalypse head on. Outside.

X has won the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, the life of X’s nemesis will be ruined. X has selected Y for this punishment. We spun the Wheel of Misery with an Evil amount of force and it sailed right past apocalypse to land on the space designated for Nonjudgmental. That’s right, from this day forward, Y will be 300% more nonjudgmental. This includes situations where being judgmental isn’t really helping anyone, but also situations where some judgment would actually be a pretty good idea. Like picking your friends and lovers. For Evil Measure, X will be 30% more judgmental. That may take a toll. Congratulations on the win and best of luck.

[[Tautologize]]

And that brings us to the end of the show. No more word from Titus. The apocalypse just happened and now we have to deal with it. Not the best outcome, but Evil perseveres.

[Laser]

Titus: Corin.

Corin: What is it, Titus?

Titus: Well, it’s the apocalypse.

Corin: It is the apocalypse. What about it?

Titus: Do you remember when I told you about that ray that they used to test my apocalypse-proofness?

Corin: I remember thinking that it made no sense.

Titus: Well, this is embarrassing, but it looks like one of the scientists in the lab left the ray on, and it looks like it slipped, so it’s no longer hitting the apocalypse-proof panel on the wall. Instead, it’s hitting a glass of water and being reflected out of the window, where it is hitting the Earth. I believe this apocalypse ray may be causing the apocalypse.

Corin: That is so incredibly stupid.

Titus: I agree, Corin, but you just can’t make this stuff up.

Corin: Well, turn it off.

[Laser Off]

Titus: It is off, Corin.

Corin: And the apocalypse light on my desk turned off. Titus, you ended the apocalypse.

Titus: Are you sure, Corin? I still feel like everything is terrible.

Corin: Oh, it is.

Titus: Nothing makes sense. Everyone is mad at everyone else.

Corin: Yep.

Titus: It feels like democracy is crumbling and no one cares about truth anymore.

Corin: uh-huh. But it’s not the apocalypse anymore. I’ll see you back at work, Titus. Corin out.

Well, shareholders, this is embarrassing. But on the other hand, at least it was us here at Kakos Industries that caused the apocalypse, and not any of our competitors. I suppose we can let you go now. Hopefully your loved ones survived the few hours of apocalypse.

Please tip your bartenders. We will have merch in the back. Have an amazing night. The numbers are next.

[[The Numbers]]

11

22

69

120

220

12

40

440

4

8

76

79

69

69

420

49

42

99

4

4

4

4

I suppose now that everything is back to normal we can take one more listen outside.

[5] (Another terrible sound)

Where the hell did we put that microphone?

[[Kakos Bells with Reverse Reverb]]

[[Potency]]

Kelsey: This special live presentation of Kakos Industries was written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth III. The introduction is read by Kitty McCauley, and the credits are read by Kelsey Kemmer, the current thunderdome champion after squashing a fly in there. Special appearance in this episode by Adam Miszuk, Anwar Newton, Rebecca Ryan, Jessie Marie, Masha Zapalova, and Kelsey Kemmer. Please visit KakosIndustries.com for news, extras, and more episodes. There are also transcriptions on the website if you’d like to read along with the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please visit store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers and get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at kakosindustries.com/patreon. You can also buy stuff in the lobby! Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at inquiries@kakosindustries.com. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on YouTube (YouTube.com/KakosIndustries), Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), and Twitter (@KakosIndustries). We encourage fan art and listener participation on all our social media platforms. We’ve recently expanded our social media team, so please visit the website to view their credits and current projects.

Kelsey: Kakos Industries can be heavy sometimes. Try exercising to take your mind off of all of the darkness.

[[Stop Music]]

[som3thingcr3ative]

Khaleesi

This was a totally self-indulgent idea I had. I don’t fuck with season 8 of GoT, so this is set in two different times- in Westeros, Daenerys has just freed Mereen and is staying there for a little while until she has gathered her strength for a play on the Iron Throne. Beyond that, this will be pretty canon divergent. GRRM himself will even make an appearance in later chapters. 

Synopsis:  It started at a party one fall night. Everything can be traced to this fateful day- the time travel, the wizard, the magic, the dragons… even the government involvement. It all started here.

Rhaegar Shade has never truly known what it is to be normal: he’s never looked normal, he’s never acted normal, and he sure as hell doesn’t have normal pets. He has tried to fit in, but he never truly found a place where he belonged- until the Mage George R. R. Martin decides it’s time. D&D aren’t taking GoT seriously on screen. Up until now, they were showing what needed to be shown- but GRRM knows exactly what will happen if they remain in control, so he does the only thing he can about it. 

He adds a pawn to the board, one who was removed from play long ago, if only to keep him alive. 

Pairing: (In later chapters) Daenerys x Jon Snow, Rhaegar / Daenerys and Rhaegar / Jon.

Warnings: Concussions, break-up, almost-rape, self-doubt, bad coping mechanisms (running away from problems)

Game of Thrones season seven episode seven played on the massive television attached to the wall of Rhaegar Shade’s basement as the twenty-somethings assembled there became increasingly drunk. 

“Cheers to our own Targaryen, Rhaegar the King of Parties!” One frat boy loudly announces, standing on Rhaegar’s couch with a sloshing red solo cup of beer in one hand. Rhaegar smiles and nods graciously, used to this at his age. His white hair and violet eyes had won him the name from his adoptive mothers, who were massive Game of Thrones fans at the time of his adoption. Two years old and diagnosed with Alexandria’s Genesis, there was no doubt that the name fit. He truly did look like a Targaryen. Now twenty-three, an ER nurse at the local hospital, Rhaegar had submitted himself to a night of torture- but only for his girlfriend. 

“Cheers!” Jasmine yelled, squeezing her boyfriend’s middle with the arm wrapped around him, raising her own, well-policed red cup in excitement. Rhaegar smiled at her, this time a true smile. The two had met a year before and had been dating for seven months at this point, Jasmine instantly taken with his unusual looks and sweet demeanor. She was the reason for the party. Twenty-one years old, in college for graphic design, she had decided to host a viewing party for the infamous show before the eighth season came on. Rhaegar thought it was useless; everyone there -save himself-would be too drunk to remember what happened. 

His girlfriend, thoroughly intoxicated, slipped her hand down his back to squeeze his ass- he flinched, watching her stagger away toward the alcohol. He followed, grabbing her hand to stop her. 

“I think you’ve had enough.” He says, turning her to face him. 

She rolls her eyes. “Babe, don’t you think it’s about time we had sex?”

He flinches again, watching her sway in place. “No,” He says, entirely sure, “For two reasons.” Jasmine frowns, reaching around him to grope him again- he smacks her hand away. “You’re drunk, and you know I don’t want it.”

“You’re a guy, you’re supposed to want it.” She complains, her words slurring. “I think it’s just an excuse.”

“You’ve had enough.” he repeats, sick of this same conversation. Every time she has a drink, the ‘issue’ of his sexuality- or lack thereof- comes up. Every single time, she complains about his Asexuality, despite their agreement. He knew, reasonably, that she would have needs that he didn’t. Instead of letting it fester into a problem, he’d told her that should she have those needs, she was free to have sex with other people- so long as she was safe and he knew where she was. When she was sober, it was never an issue. Now, however, she was getting handsy and disrespectful. He takes her drink and sets it on the nearby counter, then, guiding her by the hand, takes her up to his room to sleep it off. 

While she stumbles up the steps in front of him, he keeps a steady hand on her back. She mumbles something under her breath that he can’t hear. 

“What?”

“I said… I said I want to have sex!”

He shakes his head, keeping an eye on her feet and the stairs. She trips, but he quickly catches her and sets her right again. “I’d say there’s plenty of guys around, but they’re all drunk and so are you. You can do whatever you want in the morning.”

“I don’t want them, I want you.” She complains, turning around to him, nearly falling backwards. 

“We’re not having this conversation on the steps.” He says, finally just lifting her bridal-style in his arms and carrying her the rest of the way. Once she’s safely on the bed, he lets her go. “You’re not like this sober, Jasmine.”

“But I want you…”  She purrs, grabbing him by the front of the shirt and kissing him- hard. 

Rhaegar can taste the alcohol on her breath. He knows, logically, that when she’s sober, Jasmine is sweet and kind- but this side of her, the drunk side, the side that he’s seeing in a new light- this side scares him. He pushes her away, but she only rears back and smacks him across the cheek. 

Shocked, he simply stares at her. 

He closes his eyes and turns away from her. For a split second he feels her hand against his back, but he moves away- she knows better than to force him, he thinks. She respects him more than that- but he’s wrong and her hands return, insistent, tugging at his jeans. 

“Jasmine,” He growls, “Let go!” He grabs her wrists, trying to release her grip on him to no avail, so he takes her shoulders and shakes her lightly. “Stop!” 

She only becomes more and more aggressive- she smacks him again, then kisses him. He pushes her away, tells her no, tries to leave, but she’s stronger and more angry when drunk, and the logical, sweet woman he has come to trust is gone. 

His breath coming too quickly, Rhaegar shoves her away a little harder than he should- a little harder than he intended, but it does the trick. She backs into the headboard, staring at him with lust-blown eyes. He stares back, trying to remember to breathe through the realization that he was almost raped. 

Still, her next words hurt. “I’m done.” she says. “With this. With you.” 

“What?” He breathes, head spinning. 

“We’re breaking up, dimwit.” She says. 

He takes a deep breath, closes his eyes and gathers his thoughts. “Because I won’t have sex with you?”

“Because you’re a broken toy and I’m done trying to fix you.”

“I’m not broken.” He growls, fists clenching. Targaryen fire, he thinks as his blood heats. Maybe my moms were right about that. “There’s nothing for you to fix. We’ll talk about this when you’re sober.” 

She huffs, but slips under the covers nonetheless. “Find somewhere else to sleep.”

“It’s my bed,” he protests, but even as he says the words, he realizes he doesn’t want to be near her. Rhaegar still places a cup of water and tylenol on the nightstand for her, a trash can beside the bed. He leaves the room quietly, his heart still pounding. 

In the basement, the party has continued unrelenting. The credits are rolling on screen, so he shuts off the TV and climbs onto the sofa.

“You guys know the drill.” He says, loud enough for the party to stop around him. “Call your Ubers, finish your drinks before they come. I’m not going to have any drunk drivers.”

He climbs down from the couch amid the groans, but the drunks pull out their phones anyway and arrange for their rides. He’s quiet as he starts to clean up- unattended drinks get poured out and thrown away, trash collected, the passed-out party-goers left where they are. He gets Ubers for them himself, then makes sure each person goes into the right car, awake enough to get home safely. 

When everyone is gone, Rhaegar falls into his couch and stares at the ceiling toward Jasmine. 

“Seven months.” He mutters. There’s a dull ache in his chest, the crash of adrenaline still in his veins. Just how much he didn’t want what happened can’t be overstated- he didn’t have the urges everyone else seemed to have, didn’t want the same things they did. For him, things were simpler- he was driven by work, a passion for what he does. He worked so that he could live comfortably, so he could pay for his animals- the horse and his two wolf-dogs. He hadn’t been looking for a relationship when he met Jasmine, but it seemed that they were a good match. 

At the time, he thinks bitterly. Yeah, he realizes, It’s over.

He can’t be with someone who almost raped him. 

And he can’t tell anyone, either. He knows that it wasn’t his fault- he’d told the exact same thing to rape victims all the time at his work- but when he was the victim, it was harder to believe. 

He stops himself from thinking what if- he shuts down the part of his brain that is telling him he’s weak for being at her mercy. I didn’t want to hurt her, he thinks. Even though she was hurting me.

Rhaegar won’t be that guy. He’s not a violent person, despite the occasional anger. He’s never hit a girl outside of the sparring ring- jiu-jitsu, karate or muy-thai- and had never raised a hand against Jasmine. 

Shaking his head, he resolves to go do the one thing that never fails to clear his mind. 

He leaves a note on the counter for Jasmine-

Gone riding. Be back tomorrow. -R

Then Rhaegar Shade, his mind in shattered pieces, packs a bag, gathers his two wolfdogs and leaves his house behind in favor of the barn.

The barn is quiet when he arrives at four in the morning. He lets the dogs out of the trunk of the SUV, then takes his bag and walks into the main barn, heading for the last stall in the row. Around him are the calming sounds of horses chewing hay, nickering to each other or sleeping. He flicks on only the most necessary lights to avoid bothering them, then sets his bag down and opens the stall. 

Runar, his black friesian, greets him with a puff of warm air. Rhaegar’s heart finally slows at the sight of his horse, his long-time companion. He takes a deep breath of the barn’s warm air and wraps his arms around the horses’ large neck. 

“Hi buddy,” he says. “I missed you.”

Runar nickers, folding Rhaegar against his chest and raising his front leg in a hug. Rhaegar laughs, feeling the weight on his shoulders and heart lift. Clarity is an odd thing, but it comes to him in that moment. He realizes that he’s better off without Jasmine. He doesn’t need someone who pressures him to have sex- he doesn’t need someone who thinks he’s broken or in need of fixing. Before her, he’d had plenty of time to come to terms with the fact that he’d never experience sexual attraction, that he could very well be alone all his life because of it. 

He realizes that he doesn’t need to worry about it. 

With Runar in front of him and the two dogs sniffing around behind him, he realizes that everything he needs is right there.

So it’s with a smile that he grooms his horse, with a calm heart that he puts on the saddle, breast collar and bridle, then the saddle bags with his phone, water bottle, pocket knife and snacks. Rhaegar leaves a note for the barn staff that he’s out on the trails and won’t be back until that night, just so that they won’t worry about the empty stall. He leads Runar and the dogs out of the barn, then puts on his backpack, mounts his horse and rides off into the first rays of morning light. 

~

Back to reality, Rhaegar slips into his house quietly, having put the wolf-dogs in their enclosure in the backyard. It’s seven in the afternoon, the outside world is dark and he’s pleasantly tired- but when he looks up, he sees Jasmine leaning against his kitchen counter, still in the clothes from the night before. She’s nursing a drink.

“We need to talk,” Rhaegar says, dropping his keys into the basket by the front door. He takes an immediate right into the kitchen, digging through the fridge for a snack.

“That’s never good.” Jasmine replies, raising her eyebrows at his back.

He doesn’t bother to answer her snide comment; when he turns to face her, his eyes are dark and emotionless. To her credit, she notices and seems to realize that he’s being very serious. “What do you remember from last night?”

Jasmine frowns, her eyes losing focus as she concentrates. Slowly, the words come. “I remember…the ninth episode… A couple of shots from Brad, a drinking game.” She pauses. “I remember trying to get some, then waking up with a hangover.” Again, she stops. “Are you mad that I had sex? I thought we had a deal?”

“You didn’t have sex last night.” He answers, matter-of-factly. “When the last episode was over, you were wasted. I took you up to my room to sleep it off.” Her eyes widen.

“I tried-“she stumbles over the words. Then: “you?”

“Me.” He affirms, his gaze stone-cold. “You tried to force me.”

She just watches him for a very long second.

“I can’t do this anymore Jasmine. When you’re drunk, you’re brutally honest- I know you can’t either. We’re done.” Rhaegar turns away from her, intending to get a plate from the cabinet when something breaks over his shoulders- there’s a sharp sting as glass cuts his face and neck, then shock as he raises his hand to the cuts. The alcohol in whatever she was drinking soaked the back of his shirt and added an extra insult to injury. He looks at her without feeling anything- anything but cold. Rhaegar leans against the counter, supporting his weight on his arms. “You need to leave.”

Jasmine spits at him- he flinches, but otherwise doesn’t react, doesn’t even move until she has gathered her things and slammed the door behind her, leaving him to clean up her mess once more.

He gets every last piece of glass from the floor and counter, then cleans up the mess in the basement almost robotically, the whole time feeling cold and empty. How did I ever fall for her? He wonders, thinking about the abusive qualities she showed from the very beginning; she was manipulative, bitchy, vain and untrustworthy. There wasn’t any substance to her- she was shallower than the kiddie end of a swimming pool, with all of the bland personality of a stale ham sandwich. What did I ever see in her? He thinks, numb. I guess I was attention-starved. Makes sense.

When his mind threatens to drift to the night before, he shuts it down, turning instead to other things; he has the next three days off from work before working 18 hours straight, so he decides he’ll spend it with Runar and the dog-beasts in the woods. That thought in mind, he cleans up the basement, puts the trash on the curb, then starts packing for an overnight trail ride.

 ~

The next morning cannot come fast enough. There’s something in the air, something he can’t quite define that sets his senses on edge. He hadn’t slept well, plagued by nightmares. All of these things make him eager to get out of the house- with his bags packed the night before, Rhaegar gathers the dogs and leaves for the barn.

Runar seems to feel the uneasiness as well- he’s pacing in his stall when Rhaegar arrives, puffing at the window. He only calms down long enough to be groomed and tacked, then sets off at a trot toward the state park lands.

Barely two hours in, Rhaegar’s skin prickles with electricity. He turns in his saddle, staring up at the trees and the sky beyond- nothing. They are about half an hour out from the electric lines and there’s not a cloud in the sky- and he’s not alone in feeling the odd sensation. Fenrir, the darker of his two wolf-dogs, snarls into the tree line, hackles raised. Runar stops suddenly, leaving the four in a small clearing. Bane joins Fenrir, the two circling around Runar’s legs. 

Something’s off- Rhaegar knows that. He can feel it deep in his bones. Anxiety creeps up his limbs as he checks the woods. There’s nothing around for miles. Most of the other riders aren’t at the barn until the afternoon, and none of them ride as far as he goes. He could be gone for days at a time and no one would think to look for him. 

A tree cracks behind him with an earth-shattering sound. He hears it whistle through the air, hears the wolves bark and snarl as they retreat from it, hears Runar scream in a way only horses can scream- and then he feels the horse rear. Everything happens in a split second. The first tree slams into a second tree as a rip appears before him- a black, writhing mass in what had been open air, like a claw rent through fabric. The electric charge runs through his body and muscles that had been holding on for dear life suddenly go slack. He can’t do anything as he falls off backwards, sliding over Runar’s back to the unforgiving ground. 

Rhaegar doesn’t even have a chance to yell before his head slams into the ground and he is rendered unconscious. 

[izzyizumi]

Digimon Adventures -> Timeline References (Japanese version) + Timeline Inconsistencies (??) “Twelve years ago, he married your real mother and they had you.” “But [the Izumi’s biological son] died when he was just a baby.” “Then, when we were asked if we could take care of you...” Interesting Notes: - the US / American dub seemingly made up the line that Koushiro’s parents “died when [Koushiro] was a baby” - in the Japanese version, that line does not exist. In fact, instead, we get only the reference that the Izumi’s biological son died when he was a baby. - “Twelve” years ago is mentioned despite Koushiro being officially 11 years old in Adventure (only one year behind Taichi, Yamato, & Sora exactly in all official age references). It’s possible this could be referencing Koushiro’s biological parents married around a year before having Koushiro, but the line instead of elaborating further like that literally just transitions right into “and they had you”, as if indicating that he’s actually around twelve years old by this point of the timeline, when that’s maybe not possible going by the official ages (since Adventures begins on August 1st, and this scene takes place before August 3rd wraps up.) [*the one exception would be if Koushiro’s birthday was actually August 2nd - August 3rd and he literally hides it from everyone, or they don’t find out until some time later.] - director Kakudou, however, has also stated that officially, the Adventure characters do not have set birthdays [this would also include birth years] - the Adventures timeline has multiple other potential inconsistencies and timing errors, not even including the OWG issue with Sora’s supposed “birthday” - All this in mind, since that line about Koushiro’s real parents “[dying] when [Koushiro] was a baby” seems made up by the dub... - (unless an official reference can be found via Japanese publications, in which case, please link them with an actual source) -- WHAT AGE WAS KOUSHIRO IZUMI ACTUALLY WHEN HIS REAL PARENTS DIED ??? - Is it possible Koushiro (initially) remembered more than he let on, but he shut the memories out or his memories faded over time due to the circumstances (ala Greymon vs Parrotmon battle in Hikarigaoka ???) - was he already with the Izumi family in Hikarigaoka ?? - if so, was the Greymon vs Parrotmon battle around the time he found out / realized he was adopted ?? OR - if he wasn’t with the Izumi family already in Hikarigaoka ...... - (note: the Adventure novels, written by director Kakudou, do describe the adoption discovery scene, but not that it took place during the exact timeframe of Hikarigaoka.):

Before now, before he had come to the Digital World, Koushiro had considered himself an insignificant and worthless human being. He knew computers, but what use was that? Even he was aware that he stuck out like a sore thumb in class, and he had thought that even if he wasn’t around, the world would still go on.   It wasn’t completely unrelated to the moment when Koushiro found out the secret of his birth.   When he was very young, he had heard his parents talking quietly to themselves in the drawing room when he was heading to the toilet one night.   Hey, honey. When are we going to tell him the truth?   Let’s wait just a little longer. If we tell him now, Koushiro will be shocked…   From those few words alone, Koushiro knew that he was not his parents’ real child.   He didn’t know who he belonged to. His very existence itself was uncertain.   He didn’t know how to approach his parents and naturally grew timid about interacting with other people. Digimon Adventure novel #2 translation credit (during the scene with Koushiro figuring out the cards at Vamdemon’s castle)

(note how the above scene only mentions “when he was very young” and doesn’t reference Hikarigaoka at all, but his parents’ deaths likely could have occured around a similar timeframe, if not when he was literally a “baby”.)

EDIT:

(Koushiro voice ‘to support my hypothesis, I would like to provide further evidence--------’)

(more timeline evidences under the read more !!)

[keeping in mind Digimon’s conflicting ages issue and timeline inconsistencies] ‘ wow I wonder when Japanese kids begin [primary] school ? ----- ’

* Children who have their 6th birthday on or before April 1 enter the first grade of elementary school of that year. * School year starts in April and ends in March. * For Japanese nationals, six years at elementary school and three years at junior high school (total nine years) are compulsory. [source] ‘ . . . . . right ’

A COUPLE OF MONTHS A COUPLE OF MONTHS A COUPLE OF MONTHS Taichi comments ‘that’s pretty short.’ in a kinda slightly surprised tone they were basically asking Koushiro what had happened “I don’t know” / “saa..”

cue Jou running up basically all ‘[hehe I can probably explain what happened!!]’

[note: i also didn’t hear the -kun honorific here but maybe that’s just me ?? ? ?]

“four years ago” “four years ago” “four years ago”

@ DIGIMON ADVENTURES MAKE UP YOUR MIND

WAS IT 4, 3, OR 5 YEARS AGO ?!? anyhow, thanks to Jou, we don’t get to hear from KOUSHIRO HIMSELF what he possibly remembered until a bit later on in the episode. Koushiro, meanwhile, took Jou’s answer as the reason for why his family moved. However .....

wow isn’t it AMUSING how the one who LOSES HIS FAMILY IN A

‘TERRIBLE [CAR] ACCIDENT’

---- REMEMBERS MEMORY FLASHES OF

A BUS . ‘ACCIDENT ’

(Sora is the one who remembers the charred phone booth previous, btw)

er. (thanks Natsuko / Yamato’s mom ......)

meanwhile, right after, a younger Takeru remembers the incident / Hikarigaoka; implying anyone who was still a [very young] child / came in contact with the Digimon either partially or fully remembers (ala Hikari). However, they’d have had to seemingly be closer to Takeru or Hikari’s ages in order to fully remember, while Hikari appeared to remember the most [note: a reference in a very early Japanese Tri interview mentioned Hikari’s actually older than Takeru. However, Hikari was in more direct contact with the Digimon than Takeru was during the Adventures movie, too.]

Takeru was maybe 4-5 in this flashback. (if he was 4~5, he’d still be younger than Koushiro if Koushiro was 5~6) Meaning.

KOUSHIRO WAS AT LEAST 5-7 YEARS OLD

AND HE BARELY REMEMBERED A THING ABOUT WHERE HE LIVED DURING HIS ENTIRE CHILDHOOD !?? (THANKS HOMEOSTASIS)

and also ... “You met her [Hikari]?” - Patamon to Koromon “It must have been a different Koromon.” -Koromon . . . . . “but...” -Koromon

N E G L @ THIS FANDOM

IT WASN’T A PLOTHOLE

(YOU ALL JUST DIDN’T WATCH THE JAPANESE VERSION)

(I MEAN KOROMON LITERALLY SAYS THIS)

KOUSHIRO

KOUSHIRO.

LOOK I KNOW HOMEOSTASIS MESSED WITH AT LEAST YOUR MEMORIES AROUND THE TIME OF THE HIKARIGAOKA INCIDENT

BUT WHY DON’T YOU REMEMBER THE YEARS BEFORE THAT OR WHERE YOU POSSIBLY LIVED BEFORE THAT

IF EVEN TAKERU COULD ?

[tjkiahgb]

Episode Recap: 2.15, “Perfect Day 2.0″

The episode starts with the GHC thinking about how to spend their last week together. Cyrus says, “It’s the world’s saddest countdown,” which isn’t true.

This is the world’s saddest countdown:

(This is a joke about someone doing a poor cover version of the song “The Final Countdown” by the band Europe. They were big in the 1980s. Ask your parents what the 1980s were.)

They decide they’ll recreate their perfect day, which, in my opinion, is a mistake. Perfect is a crazy bar to clear. You shouldn’t aim that high. I say aim to recreate a fairly good to decent day, like the time I spent a whole day eating Bagel Bites and watching a marathon of “House Hunters International.” Or the day I had three meals that were just fine and saw a cool cloud. Or the day I slept through.

The GHC commits to the plan, though, and get their bikes fixed up to take off on adventure.

They begin by doing some of the shakiest bike riding I’ve ever seen and Andi says this:

Which feels like a personal shot at me, because that’s all I’m doing here. I’m reading into everything. Including this line of dialogue. Which is a personal attack.

The GHC bikes through the countryside into the woods in search of pumpkin donuts, which seems like an Autumn-based seasonal product? Is this Autumn still? I thought last episode they were trying to get Buffy to stay until the end of the school year, so I assume it’s Spring-ish? I’ve lost all control of the timeline. I want to assume it’s Spring, but I have a tough time believing this store would do something so stupid as to sell pumpkin donuts out-of-season when there’s so much good, fresh fruit available! Who runs a small business out in the middle of the woods like this?!

Also, this seems way off the beaten path. They did this same trip years ago? Like when they were small children? That’s a lot of rope to give 8 year olds. Celia let Andi bicycle into the woods and buy sugary treats, huh? Ok.

Anyway, the GHC get cider and pumpkin donuts.

Back in town, Jonah gets an anxiety-induced attack.

Jonah appears to just be going everywhere now in a constant state of panic. He bursts into the music store where Bowie’s hanging out, panting and pacing. 

He’s also wearing half of a Def Leppard shirt and half of another shirt that’s also maybe a different Def Leppard shirt? I can’t make heads or tails of it. It just says “Def Le” and becomes another shirt. Like Jonah’s having so many panic attacks, he’s ripping his shirts in half and piecing them back together at random.

Bowie tries to calm him down and teach him some guitar chords. Jonah plays the chords with body language of someone defusing a bomb.

Bowie asks if he wants to play more. Jonah asks if the store manager will mind, which, of course not. If you don’t want hippy-looking dudes and teenagers just hanging around your store, playing music and not buying things, then you don’t open a guitar shop! It comes with the territory! Bowie invites Jonah to come watch him play a show sometime. Jonah agrees.

The GHC get ready to leave the food shack in the woods when they discover 2/3 of their bikes have been stolen, which is horrible. Used to be you could go out into the middle of the woods and not have to worry about crime. Nowadays? The world’s going to heck in a hand basket, I tell ya.

I wonder where TJ is.

Buffy says they should call Bex. Andi doesn’t want to because they need to recreate their perfect day down to the smallest detail. She thinks they can all ride on her old bike, which they can’t, so they start walking.

A bee, possibly the one that came near him earlier in the episode, comes after Cyrus. Cyrus takes off running.

I don’t know if it’s Josh the person bleeding through or Josh the actor is doing an amazing job pretending to be a very uncoordinated character, but every physical thing Cyrus does, from bike riding to running, looks incredibly laborious.

Cyrus ends up with his foot in a hole. He loses his shoe to nature. They try to figure out how they’re going to continue when, dear God a county sheriff officer is right up on top of them in her SUV. She came up really quick and out of nowhere like some kind of spirit guide of the forest that drives a very quiet Ford Explorer and rescues lost children.

The sheriff offers them a ride and they start getting into the car.

Meanwhile, Jonah and Bowie are having themselves a little jam session.

Bowie figures out there’s more going on with Jonah and that he’s having panic attacks. Jonah admits he’s not seeing a doctor about it, and though he doesn’t want to keep having them, it seems his plan is to just tough it out, ducking into random places to wait out his constant attacks until he either finds himself back in a relationship or... dies of old age? I’m not here to judge anyone’s choices regarding their mental health, but I got to say, I feel like that’s not going to work.

Jonah asks Bowie not to tell Andi. He says he won’t, but adds that he thinks she’d understand, which, yeah, probably. She’s been friends with Cyrus for this long and he’s like a walking panic attack. I’m sure she’s figured out some stuff by now.

Bowie says Jonah has talent and offers to give him lessons. I guess it’s a pretty lucky thing Jonah came into the music store where Bowie was and didn’t run into the bakery or something. Although, he could also have a talent for making pastries. The world will never know now.

Back in the woods, the GHC finally finish getting into the sheriff’s car. It took them a very long time. At least two static scenery transition shots worth. They see their stolen bikes being ridden away and ask the sheriff to stop the thieves, but the sheriff gets a call about a grand theft auto, so she’s got to go to that. Used to be you could park your car in town and not have to worry about it getting stolen. Nowadays? Heck in a hand basket. Heck in a hand basket.

What do you think TJ’s up to at this very moment?

The sheriff drops them back off at the donut place. They realize too late that they left almost all of their stuff in the back of the cop car. The sheriff is gone before they can get her attention. (Life pro tip: if you want a police officer to come to you, all you need to do is commit a crime, like violating a noise ordinance, or getting publicly intoxicated, or armed robbery. There’s almost literally no place you can’t commit a crime. Get creative. The GHC, for example, could’ve burned down the closed donut shop. Arson would’ve brought the sheriff back with all of their stuff in a hurry.)

Cyrus’ phone has 2% life in it. Buffy wants to call Bex to come get them, but Andi doesn’t want to give Bex the satisfaction of knowing she was right. Andi goes to tell Bex, but then bails as Cyrus and Buffy scream and the phone dies. Bold move on Andi’s part. I, too, would rather die in the woods than let my parents know they were right about something trivial.

Andi admits this craziness is all because she wants Buffy to leave with a good memory. The bee returns and stings Cyrus.

Look, off-topic maybe a little here, but I’m with Cyrus in his hatred of bees. I know, I know, everyone now is all like, “Bees are important. The bees are dying and we don’t know why. It could ruin the planet! Save the bees! Save the bees!” I’m like, nah, kill ‘em all. Do it. And while we’re at it: wasps, yellow jackets, any bug that can sting or bite. Dead. All of them. Also, cockroaches. They don’t sting or bite, but I hate them, too. Let’s just do it and see what happens. I bet we’ll be fine. And if not, the human race can go extinct knowing that at least we took the bees with us. That’s enough of a victory in my book.

Anyway, the GHC march through a field and are saved by a Deus Bex Machina (this is a really good joke, trust me). Bex takes them all back to town and to The Spoon where they joke about their misadventure. It won’t be remembered as their worst day, but possibly their craziest.

They then see two boys wearing shirts from the Alpine slide they never made it to and jump to the wild conclusion that those are the bike thieves. With rage in their eyes, and madness in their hearts, the GHC vows to get revenge.

They run out of the restaurant and steal the two boys’ bikes. They get 30 feet away before realizing the bikes they’re on aren’t theirs. Then they laugh wildly about their larceny.

Used to be a time you could park your bike outside the local diner and not have to worry about it being stolen by a group of maniacs. Heck, hand basket, and all that.

They suddenly remember they only have a week together again and the mood sours. They hug and say they’ll see each other tomorrow. Andi and Cyrus go to return the bikes and Buffy does this:

She turned around! Which, as anyone who’s paid attention to the show understands, means she:

a. likes Andi

b. likes Cyrus

c. likes stolen bikes

We’ll have to wait to find out, though, because that’s where the episode ends.

Unrelated, but I bet whatever TJ was up to during this episode was good. Like, I bet he was off practicing free throw shooting, or helping the elderly eat food or something. Whatever he was doing, I bet it wasn’t thievery, which is more than I can say for some of the characters on this show.

[whalefairyfandom12]

Your Love’s a Fucking Drag (But I Need It So Bad)

Summary: Dan likes black and leather jackets, Phil likes reading in solitude and playing video games. But they have one thing in common as new roommates at uni: They are both completely straight. Just because they like to get each other off every once in a while doesn’t make it any different. 

A/N: So I just checked the masterpost and apparently it’s almost been a year since my last chapter. Open apology to Rachel and anyone that still reads this for the massive delay--hopefully I won’t take another year next time haha. Also the Halloween parts are because I was going to post this in October/November until I lost power so enjoy some seasonally appropriate spooks.

Word Count: 3383

tw; language, smoking, smut

co-written with botanistlester

Masterpost

Chapter Ten

There were certain facts in life that were indisputable. Beyonce was queen, Jar Jar Binks was a stain on humanity, water was wet, and Dan Howell was hot. And because it was indisputable acknowledgment of the latter was normal, healthy even. It didn’t mean Phil was gay or anything, just that he had eyes and appreciated aesthetically pleasing things.

So noticing the strangely attractive combination of sexy and adorable that was Dan’s still damp hair was a perfectly heterosexual thing to do. Phil was just confident enough in his masculinity to notice.

Dan was surveying himself in the mirror, arms crossed. A black and white plaid shirt tapered around his waist over a pair of black skinny jeans. “How do I look?” he asked, turning to pose dramatically. It should’ve looked ridiculous--and it did, but Dan broke character, smiling widely enough for his dimple to show and fuck if he didn’t look good.

“Yeah. Really good.” Phil cleared his throat, mouth dry. “You’re leaving your hair curly?”

“I was thinking about embracing the hobbit hair on a more permanent basis.”

“Why?” The word emerged more incredulous than Phil had intended, but the unrelenting curliness of his roommate’s hair had always been one of his favorite subjects of complaint.

Dan made a contemplative sound, reaching for his jacket. “It never stays straight for one. I step outside and if there’s any humidity I look like a deformed hedgehog. And…” he trailed off, shrugging. “I guess it doesn’t look that bad when it’s shorter.” He slung his coat over his arm, popping open the door. “You sure you don’t want to come?”

Phil shook his head. “I don’t want to crash your date,” he said, supportive smile strained.

“What?” Dan blinked at him uncomprehendingly. “What are you talking about?”

“Your romantic evening with Cheryl?”

“We’re just going as friends,” Dan clarified. “We talked a few days ago and realized there was no point in letting something like what happened ruin a perfectly good friendship.” Personally, Phil wasn’t sure how cheating could be summed up as casually as ‘something like this,’ but he nodded anyway. “So you wouldn’t be crashing. I think Jo and Avery are coming too.”

Phil choked on his own spit, book tumbling to the floor. Dan was there in a flash, dusting the cover off and handing it over. “Sorry,” he said, clearing his throat. “I was just surprised.” Surprised was putting it lightly, considering one of the last times he’d seen Dan and Avery together they looked like they were going to punch each other. He sighed, making a face as his gaze returned to his English. He did have the whole weekend, and part of him wanted to be there in case anything happened. “Okay,” he said finally. “If you’re sure.”

Dan’s expression lit up. “Positive.”

Phil rolled off the sofa, shoving his feet into his trainers. He wasn’t anywhere as dressed up as Dan, but he figured Illuminati t-shirts were always in style. “One condition, you have to share your popcorn.”

Dan rolled his eyes, lips pressing together in a smile. “And here I thought you actually wanted to spend time with me.”

“I do, but it’s mostly about the food.” Phil ducked through the door, Dan following and locking it behind them. “Did you grab the key?”

Dan jangled the keys in his pocket. “What kind of fool do you take me for?”

“One that usually does.”

The boy elbowed him in the ribs. “Shut up, spork.”

Phil elbowed him back, smiling. Dan’s nicknames devolved on the daily, and he’d be lying if he said they weren’t at least a little endearing. “What movie are we watching?”

“It. I’m excited to see it, but in terms of movies coming out at the end of this year I think I’m more hyped for Star Wars,” Dan said. “I really hope they don’t show the trailer because I’ve been trying not to watch it. I want it to be full immersion.”

“For it to be a ‘star war’ does it have to involve multiple planets or does it just have to happen on a planet far far away?” Phil mused. “Like if someone on Tatooine was learning about World War II would that be a star war or an earth war?”

“I think it has to involve other planets?” Dan said, frowning. “So earth war? I still don’t understand why Kylo Ren built what was basically a clone of the first death star. I get he had a thing for Vadar but that was stupid even for him.”

“I think that’s just called bad writing,” Phil said wryly.

Dan laughed. “I think you’re right. There’s a special place in hell for plot holes. They’re not even a pet peeve anymore--they’re ruining my life.” He pulled out his phone, turning it on to reveal a picture they’d taken at Marzia’s last month. Dan’s arm was slung over his shoulder, free hand making his signature peace sign. Phil had pulled a face at the last minute, crossing his eyes and making a fish mouth. “We’re running a few minutes late,” he said.

“I don’t mind missing the previews.” Phil gave him a wary look. “Are you going to fall off your chair when there’s a jumpscare?”

Dan’s eyes widened in horror. “I hadn’t even thought of that. Jesus.”

“I’ll pretend to spill my Pepsi so no one sees.”

“Thank you Phil. What a true friend.”

“I try.”

“Seriously though,” Dan said, with another glance at his phone. “We were supposed to be there ten minutes ago.”

“I’ll race you there,” Phil offered. “And by race I mean run three meters before collapsing on the ground from lack of exercise.”

Dan was grinning, already getting into position. “It’s on Lester.”

-

“Are you going to make me sleep with all the lights on again?” Phil asked.

Dan nodded. “Protect me dad. And also move over.”

Phil rolled his eyes, sliding further into the booth nonetheless. They were grabbing dinner post movie before heading back to campus, and he was crammed in between Jo and Dan in the middle of the bench. Cheryl and Avery were draped over each other across the table, and the rest of them had come to a mutual agreement not to disrupt them for the sake of everyone’s innocence.

“I didn’t think it was that scary,” Jo said, winding one of the straw wrappers around her finger. “More suspense than horror.”

“I might have some clown related nightmares,” Phil said. “But only for tonight, not the whole week unlike someone I know.” He turned towards Dan, nudging him with his foot. “I could always tie a red balloon to your bed when you’re least expecting it.”

Dan narrowed his eyes. “Only if you want to me to put knives in the cereal.”

“What? Why?”

“Because then,” he said empathetically, face centimeters away from Phil’s. “Maybe you’d learn your lesson Lester.”

“Save the domestic shit for the bedroom,” Avery interrupted loudly. He and Cheryl had finally remembered they were two separate entities and dismounted, though Phil noted with some amusement that their knees were still pressed together under the table.

“Only if you do,” Dan retorted.

Avery huffed amusedly. “Fair point.” Surprisingly, he and Dan had gotten along fine so far. He and Cheryl spent most of the evening off in their own world, and the few interactions had been civil enough.

“Hey Phil.”

Phil looked up at the sound of Cheryl’s voice, chewing on the end of his straw absentmindedly. “Yeah?”

“You’re coming to my party this weekend, right?”

He spat his water onto the placemat, Dan patting him on the back helpfully. “Sorry?”

“Dan already said he was coming,” Cheryl continued.

“I did?”

“--And you can be his plus one! It’ll be so much fun.”

Phil couldn’t help but remember what had happened the last time he’d attended a party Cheryl had promised would be fun. “I’m not really a party kind of person.”

“Please?”

He met Dan’s eyes, raising a questioning eyebrow. Dan inclined his head, shrugging as if to say if you’re in. Resigned, he looked back to Cheryl. Hopefully the alcohol would be stronger this time. “Okay.”

-

Thursday afternoon Phil came home to two boxes of flying saucers, enough Cadbury eggs, Aero bars, and Galaxy chocolate to feed his entire English class, and another box of what he was pretty sure were Maltesers sitting on the floor. Dan was sprawled across the carpet, phone in one hand and a Mars bar in the other.

“I’m glad you remembered to buy food for game night,” Phil said. “But I think you might’ve overdone it a little.”

Dan smiled innocently, holding aloft a bursting bag. Phil didn’t even want to know where he’d been hiding it. “Actually, that’s mine. This is for tonight.”

“I don’t understand how you we haven’t died from a heart attack yet.”

“Says the one who ate all the marshmallows last time we tried to bake.”

“I have no idea what you’re on about.”

“Or the chocolate chips last time I wanted to bake cookies?”

Phil shook his head disapprovingly. “We really need to take care of the mouse problem. They keep eating all of our hard earned ingredients.”

“Yes, because I’m sure the mice have developed opposable thumbs advanced enough to open packaging.”

“It’s possible. Can I at least have a Cadbury egg?” Dan tossed him one wordlessly. “Thanks.” He settled next to the other boy, back resting against the sofa. “Do you want to watch the episode of Riverdale we missed?”

Dan held up a finger in the universal wait for it symbol, pulling his laptop out of his bag and opening it. The page was already queued to the episode, and the cursor hovered over play. “I thought you’d never ask.”

-

Phil adjusted his grip on Susan’s arms, eyes widening in amusement at his reflection. Because he wasn’t already broke enough, he had a slightly unhealthy hobby of investing in strangely wonderful crap that had very little actual use. The stress mushroom had been bad enough, but he thought maybe the inflatable gargoyle could be considered slightly worse. Or better, depending on your point of view.

“What the hell is that?”

Phil patted Susan’s head, beaming. He spun to face Dan, throwing his arms out in a dramatic pose. His inflatable Halloween costume had arrived this morning, but he was only just getting a chance to try it out. “What do you think? It’s for Cheryl’s party.”

“I think it should go back to Hell where it belongs,” Dan said. He reached out and poked Susan’s head, making a face. “Do I even want to know where you found this?”

“Her name is Susan, and you know how Amazon suggests things for you?” Phil shrugged, an impressive feat given his current position.

Dan shook his head. “I’m not even surprised anymore.”

“I think they had a pink version if you’re interested.”

“You know, I think I’m good.”

Phil bent over, giving him a headbutt from Susan. “Try laying on it. It’s really comfortable, actually.”

Dan gave him a look. “No thanks.”

Susan gave him another headbutt. “Come on.” His roommate gave a long suffering sigh, resting his head against the gargoyle’s shoulder. “Weirdly comfy, right?”

Dan sighed, pressing a hand against his forehead. “Yes Phil, I love having an air pump bore a hole into my pocket.”

“It’s okay Susan,” Phil said. He leaned further back and patted one of her horns reassuringly. “I still love you.” He jumped as something vibrated in his pocket, locating his phone. A picture of he and Maria at their senior prom flashed across his screen as he swiped to answer. “Hello?”

“Hey Phil! Are you still coming up this weekend?” Susan knocked into the refrigerator. Shit. Maria correctly took his silence as an answer. “You forgot, didn’t you?”

Phil wondered if it would be too much to ask the floor to swallow him whole. “Maria I’m so sorry. I can’t believe I forgot.”

“So you’re not coming?”

He collapsed on his bed, cradling the phone against his ear. “I was invited to a party this weekend and I said I would go.”

She made a disbelieving sound. “You hate parties. Can’t you just cancel?”

“I would, it’s just…” he glanced towards Dan, who was graciously studying through his phone like it held the basecode of the universe. “I promised Dan I would go.”

There was a pause. Maria’s voice was icy when she spoke again. “Dan, huh? Well you promised me you would visit a month ago and I’m the one you’re dating. Or have you changed your mind?”

“Of course I haven’t changed my mind,” Phil said defensively. Okay, so maybe he’d been bad at remembering to call and he’d almost forgotten to wish her luck on her last exam but he’d been spending a lot of time with Dan lately, and maybe it wasn’t so strange Maria was questioning his feelings.“I love you, Maria. You’re the only person I want to be with.”

Her tone softened fractionally. “I love you too. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have gotten upset. I really am glad you’re making friends. I guess I just miss you.”

Phil winced, shrinking under the guilt. He was really losing points in the boyfriend department. “I miss you too,” he said. “But next weekend I’m all yours. I promise.”

He could hear Maria’s smile through the phone. “I’m holding you to that. Have a good time at your party.”

“Thanks. Happy Halloween.”

“You too. Class is starting, but I’ll talk to you later.”

Phil ended the call and returned his phone to his pocket, waving a hand in front of Dan’s face. “You can stop pretending to play Angry Birds.”

“I never pretend about Angry Birds.” He held up his phone. “I almost beat my high score too.”

“Sorry to kill the streak.”

“Is everything okay? It sounded like it was getting pretty intense.”

Phil sighed, starting to roll over before remembering Susan and thinking better of it. “I completely forgot I was supposed to visit her this weekend.”

“I don’t mind if you’d rather do that,” Dan said. “She is your girlfriend, after all.”

“It’s okay, we rescheduled for next weekend.”

Dan stared at him for a moment, expression uncharacteristically unreadable. “If you’re sure.”

“Positive.” Phil reached for the Susan’s kill switch, watching it the gargoyle deflate. “Remember? It’s going to be the most fun I’ve ever had.”

-

Phil was not having the fun he’d ever had. At least there hadn’t been any crying so in that aspect it was already better than last time, but he supposed that was a pretty low bar. In the end he’d left Susan at home, but he wasn’t sure if he stuck out more being the only person not in costume. He’d worn a Halloween themed jumper at least, and Dan was similarly dressed, but even Avery had made a lame attempt at a zombie costume.

“I feel slightly underdressed,” Dan said, echoing his thoughts. “Maybe we should’ve looked harder for the cat ears.”

“I don’t know,” Phil said. “I think my costume as ‘internet introvert that finally left the house’ is pretty scary.”

Dan laughed before screwing his features into a mask of terror, pressing a hand to his heart and backing against the wall. “Get it away from me! It’s hideous!”

Dan’s laugh was infectious, and for a moment Phil was able to forget the stares from everyone around him and the way his shoulder was plastered uncomfortably to the arm of the person beside him. “You should’ve gone as a rat to embrace your true self.”

“I take back everything I said earlier. You’re a terrible friend.”

Phil shot him a look of pure betrayal, or as close a one as he could muster anyway. “How fickle of you Daniel.”

Dan opened his mouth to respond when a third year shoved him into Phil as she pushed past. Her breath smelled like beer, laugh loud and intoxicated. Phil staggered under her and Dan’s combined weight, bracing himself against the wall and knocking into the man behind him. Dan managed to regain his balance, mouthing an apology. The music swelled as the song switched to an electronic remix of Call Your Girlfriend that was a little too loud to be comfortable. Phil wondered how bad it was that he’d only been here for half an hour and he was ready to leave.

Dan wrinkled his nose, plugging his ears. His lips were moving again, the sound inaudible. Phil made an ‘x’ and pointed to the door, inclining his head in question. Dan frowned, shaking his head. Phil sighed, leaning in. “Do you want to get out of here?” he asked, raising his voice.

Dan looked relieved. “I thought you’d never ask!” he shouted. It was all the warning Phil had before he turned and plunged headfirst into the crowd.

Despite his roommate’s height Phil lost track of him after a few seconds, and quickly found himself pathetically and hopelessly lost. Sweat was starting to gather at the base of his neck, and he stumbled to a halt, standing on his tiptoes and scanning the crowd. Still no Dan--not that he could see or hear him anyway over the blood rushing in his ears that was almost as loud as the music and infinitely more headache inducing, He took a step and tripped over the couple beside him, the boy’s elbow catching him in the throat and knocking the air out of his lungs.

Phil had gotten lost the first and only time he’d ever gone to America. He and his family had taken an afternoon trip to the mall, but he’d gotten distracted by the Pikachu plushies and when he looked again everyone had disappeared. He’d been seven then, but the feeling of abandoned terror was the same.

He forced in a shuddering gasp of air, pulse thudding under his fingertips. The room felt like it was getting hotter, or maybe it’s just him because he can’t breathe and he doesn’t know where the door is or even a bathroom and he can’t find Dan and everything is so loud and he thinks he might die here and--

“Phil!” Dan shoved through the crowd, coming to a halt with visible relief that quickly turned to concern. “What’s wrong?”

He shook his head, forcing himself to speak past the tightening of his throat. “Outside.” Dan’s expression softened in understanding, and he reached for his hand. The pressure was familiar, grounding and reassuring as Dan led him along the edges of the room to the door. The exit had never looked better, and Phil fumbled for the handle with his free hand, sweat slicked fingers slipping over the brass. Dan nudged him out of the way and pushed it open, ushering him outside.

He relaxed at the first breath of fresh air, sinking against the wall. He exhaled shakily, head resting against the brick to face the stars. From out here he could tune out the music, and he dropped Dan’s hand to wipe his palms against his jeans. “I’m sorry for making you leave,” he said. “I don’t mind if you want to stay.”

Dan smiled, something in the gesture subdued. Guilt twisted at the knowledge that it was probably because of him--because he couldn’t walk the fifteen meters to the door like a normal person without almost having a panic attack. “Trust me, I’m more than happy to leave. Do you feel any better?”

Phil nodded. “A little. Thanks for not leaving.”

“I would only consider it if you actually did put a red balloon in my room. I think we still have Chinese in the fridge,” Dan suggested lightly. “And there’s season two of Stranger Things to finish.”

Phil managed a weak smile. “That sounds great,” he said, conveying as much gratitude in those three words as he could. He wondered what he could’ve possibly done to deserve someone like Dan as his roommate, but whatever it was he was thankful. Somehow he always knew he what he needed, even if Phil himself hadn’t figured it out yet.

Without thinking he reached for Dan’s hand again, falling into step beside him as they headed home.

[theinquisitivej]

Doctor Who Series 10 Reviews Finale: Ep.12 - The Doctor Falls

If it's alright with everyone, I'm going to skip the plot summary this time. As the second half of a two-parter, and the finale to a series, I have a lot to get through, and any plot information I impart to the uninitiated is going to do more harm than good. Developments this time hinge on the twists and turns of last week's EXCELLENT 'World Enough and Time'. I have no wish to spoil anything for those catching up, and I don't think I can talk about my feelings towards 'The Doctor Falls' without getting into specifics.

          The spoiler-free version is that this is a very strong episode overall that may not have as impressive a tone or be as tightly structured as last week's episode, but is nevertheless chock full of terrific stuff. It has one glaring flaw which does spoil my opinion of the episode a little bit, but I don't think it will be as big an issue for other people. Check it out, as well as the rest of what has probably been the most consistently solid series in Capaldi's tenure. Now, for the last time until we next step through the TARDIS doors at Christmas...

SPOILERS AHEAD. SIDE-EFFECTS MAY INCLUDE ELECTROCUTION, CRISES OF IDENTITY, AND, IN SOME EXTREME CASES, REGENERATION.

          I'm torn on this one.

The general consensus is that this is a fantastic episode, the best finale Moffat has written in a tenure that has always struggled with satisfying endings, and one of the top Capaldi episodes. I'm not sure that I disagree with any of these points particularly, but I just don't think I can sign off on everything without some strong reservations. But I do think that the episode's positive elements are really good, and worth praise and deconstruction. Well, I'm ever the optimist, so what I'll do is dive into my problems with the episode before I go on to talk about the many things I did like. That way my biggest issues are vented, but we still end on a positive note.

          Let's talk about Bill. Her characterisation as a Cyberman was excellent, no doubt. The way she perceived herself as being her regular human self is a clever way of ensuring Pearl Mackie gets plenty of screentime to act her socks off, and also fits with what we know about Bill's personality. Bill regularly creates imaginary conversations with her mum which she is so invested in that they may as well be real to her, and this mental determination is so strong that it defeated the monks, as they refer to in this episode. It is completely believable that she would hold onto her humanity even after it had been stripped away from her. The Master's cruelty towards her was also heartbreaking, even if I was enjoying Simm's brand of dickish behaviour as the Master. I was very happy with the direction they decided to take her character in.

          And then the Oil Girl from the first episode of the series came in. I've seen some people say they thought it was set up well enough for them, and others who have suggested that what happens to Bill after Oil Girl appears is left open to interpretation, which they appreciated. I don't want to step on anyone's toes, because those are completely fair reactions to have. But as far as my own experience with the episode went, I was left confused, frustrated, and very unsatisfied with this ending for Bill. I know the flashbacks showed how this was set up back in episode 1, but that was 11 episodes ago, and there has been zero discussion of Oil Girl's character in the intervening time! It's difficult to remember the fine details of how Oil Girl was set up almost three months ago, so to have the ultimate resolution to a main character's story hinge on her involvement is out of left field and seems unrelated to this already crowded story! What I do remember about Oil Girl was that I felt she was not very well thought out as a character. Ultimately the creature that infected her was sentient rocket fuel from an alien species, and yet this rocket fuel, which is common enough to be a consumable resource used by an entire alien civilisation, has the capacity to travel anywhere in time and space by itself! And then when she shows up here, she whisks Bill out of her Cyberman body making her into God-knows what, transports the Doctor to the TARDIS, and talks about how she can make Bill a human body because "it's all just atoms", meaning Oil Girl has god-like abilities on the same level as Dr. Manhatten! The term 'deus ex' is thrown about, and I feel it's often prematurely used by people dismissing a plot development because they didn't understand how it fit into the story, and maybe I’m guilty of the same thing. But when a character comes out of left-field with god-like abilities and resolves a situation, that's an egregious case of a deus ex in my book.

          It's infuriating, and feels so unsatisfying as an end to Bill's story. I know that assistants have been disposed of throughout the franchise's history in a variety of off-hand ways (Peri Brown being left somewhere and marrying Brian Blessed is hilariously unexpected to this day). However, I don't think 'oh it's always been that way' is an excuse to not try harder and improve the series' writing by giving characters a sense of completion with the close of their arc. I think what would have fit better, even if it was a sadder, more tragic fate for Bill, is if she had remained a Cyberman. Perhaps after taking the Doctor to his TARDIS, she could leave to live the rest of her life fighting the Cybermen on the ship and protecting the farmers. She may not know if she can make much of a difference, but, inspired by the Doctor to fight, and keeping hold of her humanity by having her mother’s spirit for company, she stands as a bulwark between the Cybermen and the farmers, never seeing herself as anyone other than Bill Potts. I know it’s after the fact, and I know it’s easy to say ‘oh, I would’ve done this’, but whatever ending we could have gone with for Bill’s character, there are definitely issues about the one they went with that bug me.

          I could mention how the episode also dismisses how the Doctor could survive taking multiple Cyberman shots before being in the heart of an explosion (regeneration, I know, but that doesn’t make you invincible), but I think that’s enough complaining on my part, because the rest of the episode is very good, if a little crowded. The Cybermen unfortunately don’t get as much attention as they did in ‘World Enough and Time’, where they were phenomenally effective as an unsettling presence. Still, they continued to be an imposing threat who felt like a real danger that cannot be overcome with what our heroes have available. Some of the shots were very well composed, particularly the one with the Cyberman Bill holding the Doctor’s body in the smoke. The music was emotional and bombastic, and alluded to some classic themes (including my beloved ‘This is Gallifrey’), but the episode also knew when to take the music out and let the full impact of the dialogue and performances of a scene sink in.

          Speaking of which, both of these elements were the stand-out successes of the episode. Everyone was on top-form, and had the very best material to work with. I don’t know if we’ll see Nardole again, but if we don’t, Matt Lucas gave us a lovely final adventure with the humour, heart, and sarcasm that made so many of us appreciate his presence throughout Series 10. Likewise, Pearl Mackie really sold the pain that Bill was going through in this episode, but still had the character’s bright spirit shine through, right to the very end. Michelle Gomez and John Simm both succeeded at giving their very best performance as Missy and the Master respectively. I’ve always liked the unique energy Gomez brings to the table, and think she was the right casting choice for the first female Master, but I’ve never had that one episode that made me think she was the Master, rather than a new, different kind of villain for the Doctor to go up against. To a certain extent, I felt the same way about John Simm when he was the Master during Tennant’s run. Simm is a wonderful actor, and he picks up any role and marks it with his own manic style. I did love his performance in ‘Doctor Who’, and still think he was a fascinating villain, but he took the Master in a very different direction to how he was depicted in Classic Who. However, by pairing the two together, their similarities began to shine through, and I finally saw each of them as the Master. The best thing is that they didn’t need to abandon their particular take on the Master to do this; each of them had numerous moments that highlighted their distinct characteristics, such as Gomez’s authoritative viciousness, or Simm’s smug cruelty and perverse depravity. While the story with these two may not have ultimately contributed much to the main plot, their final encounter was a wonderful character study. It showed a person looking back with true joy on their selfish past, but sadly knowing that they cannot do this anymore in a character arc that makes good on what was planned all those years ago for Roger Delgado’s final episode which he sadly never got the chance to perform.

          And finally, Peter Capaldi was exceptional. He poured everything he’s ever injected into his role as the Twelfth Doctor into that speech about choosing to stand here not because he expects a reward, or even because he thinks he can save that many people, but because dammit, it’s the right thing to do. The Twelfth Doctor has been sceptical and critical of people, but he still tries to help people, even if, deep down, he’s becoming disillusioned with his life’s work. This episode exemplified all of that, and Capaldi put so much into his performance that both he and the Doctor seemed more vulnerable than ever. Once we get to the end, and the regeneration process has begun, we start to worry, because the Doctor is acting in a way we’ve never seen before. He’s avoided regeneration in the past, particularly as the Tenth Doctor, and, while I have defended the reasoning for why he didn’t want to regenerate that time, I think it makes a lot more sense here. It’s not the idea that he will go on to be someone else, but rather the notion that he will go on at all that upsets him. The Doctor is tired of reinventing himself time and time again when it doesn’t seem to make any difference. He still loses people he cares about, he still struggles to do the right thing, and he will just keep going and going without an end in sight. It’s powerful, and despite being a dilemma about a fictional process, different people can relate to it for their own unique reasons. We all struggle to carve out an identity throughout our lives, and in many cases, we will always be looking for that magical way to approach life which will make everything easier, or make sense. If the Twelfth Doctor has become so disillusioned with the point of this struggle, then that will make for a powerful final episode at Christmas. Especially when, in the last minute, we hear a familiar voice who, when told by Capaldi that he is the Doctor, replies “you might be a Doctor, but I can assure you I am THE Doctor. The original, you might say!”, and we see the First Doctor emerge from the snow, played by David Bradley. This made me so, so happy, because I loved ‘An Adventure in Space and Time’, and to see Bradley be folded into main continuity as one of the actors performing their own take on William Hartnell’s performance as the original Doctor is a wonderful delight.

          When I started writing this review, I had a more negative opinion towards ‘The Doctor Falls’. Those final moments with Bill, as well as certain things that were dismissed without proper explanation, really do frustrate me, and represent a sour note in an otherwise impressive finale. But after going over the episode’s strengths, the bad stuff doesn’t sting as much, and I think it may fade even more over time. When I look back on this finale, I won’t think about the technicalities of how the Doctor survived, what Bill was doing when the Doctor was making his stand against the Cybermen, or what the hell even happened with Oil Girl. Instead, I’ll think back on the best performances Gomez and Simm ever gave us as the Master, the painful descent as Bill became resigned to her fate as a Cyberman, and the Twelfth Doctor’s finest hour.

8/10.

Most of the time this episode has 9/10 dialogue and performances, but that stuff with Oil Girl definitely makes for a befuddling character ending. Otherwise, a very satisfying finale.

          Series 10 has done well across the board. The majority of episodes were solid, the Monks are a compelling new threat, there were only one or two weak episodes, and the final two-parter gave us a lot of what this series does best. Bill was a likeable companion who I will be sad to see go, and I will be even sadder when Christmas comes, and we will have to say farewell to another fantastic Doctor. In the meantime, I will be rewatching the Twelfth Doctor’s episodes so I can put together an analysis of his character and Capaldi’s performance, similar to the Top Doctors articles I did back in 2013 for the 50th Anniversary, and possibly even a Top 10 list of Capaldi’s best episodes. Until then, happy travels, and I hope we can all take a leaf out of the Doctor’s book and just keep trying to do the right thing.

[jeremyau]

Travis Kalanick Resigns, Uber’s Dangerous Delusion, Uber Going Forward

Posted onWednesday, June 21, 2017 Author by Ben Thompson

Good morning,

Subject: A hard decision

I never thought I would be writing this.

As you all know, I love Uber more than anything in the world, but at this difficult moment in my personal life, I have accepted a group of investors’ request to step aside, so that Uber can go back to building rather than be distracted with another fight. I will continue to serve on the board, and will be available in any and all ways to help Uber become everything we’ve dreamed it would be.

Thank you for everything.

And with that Travis Kalanick has resigned as CEO of Uber. On to the update.

Travis Kalanick Resigns

From the New York Times:

Travis Kalanick stepped down Tuesday as chief executive of Uber, the ride-hailing service that he helped found in 2009 and that he built into a transportation colossus, after a shareholder revolt made it untenable for him to stay on at the company.

Mr. Kalanick’s exit came under pressure after hours of drama involving Uber’s investors, according to two people with knowledge of the situation, who asked to remain anonymous because the details are confidential.

Earlier on Tuesday, five of Uber’s major investors demanded that the chief executive resign immediately. The investors included one of Uber’s biggest shareholders, the venture capital firm Benchmark, which has one of its partners, Bill Gurley, on Uber’s board. The investors made their demand for Mr. Kalanick to step down in a letter delivered to the chief executive while he was in Chicago, said the people with knowledge of the situation.

After promising more coverage of Uber last Monday, I ended up not writing anything the rest of the week, even after the release of the Holder recommendations and the instantly infamous staff meeting that resulted in an Uber board member resigning for making a sexist remark.

You will recall that before said board meeting it was announced that Kalanick was taking a leave of absence, and he did not appear at the meeting. What you may have missed is that, later that night, Kalanick was emailing the company about the aforementioned board resignation. It was a small thing, but it heightened my suspicion that things weren’t over.

And how could they be? As I wrote in February I believe Kalanick’s fatal mistake, the one that ultimately led to his resignation, was back in 2014 when Vice President of Business Emil Michael was accused of suggesting the company might dig up dirt on journalists critical of the company:

That, though, is why the 2014 Michael episode was such a missed opportunity: it is always incumbent on CEOs to define what is or is not acceptable, but that responsibility was especially heavy at Uber:

The very nature of the company’s business model required pushing up to the line, which meant egregious offenses had to be disciplined to ensure folks didn’t go too far

As I noted last week, Uber’s dominance is about controlling demand, which means the company’s public perception matters greatly

The company is based in San Francisco, which means it is in one of the most competitive talent markets in the world

I don’t think this last point can be underestimated when it comes to evaluating Uber’s response: the number one thing that seems to motivate Uber accountability is its own employees, and the threat of either losing them or not being able to recruit new ones. That, though, is why Uber should have drawn the most obvious of lines three years ago.

Michael was finally let go last week; his defiance in this Bloomberg report is pretty incredible:

Michael believes that a weak board of directors, a lax internal legal team, coupled with his tight friendship with co-founder Kalanick, ultimately led to his downfall — not the scandals, two people close to Michael said.

This is delusional, and, frankly, goes a long ways towards explaining Uber’s problems, many of which go beyond the workplace environment.

Uber’s Dangerous Delusion

At the end of that February piece I concluded:

This is rapidly becoming an existential question for Uber: exactly how much of the company’s success was due to the idea, and how much was due to the executives? The surest route to a company allegedly rife with the behavior documented this week is to strongly credit people, who soon come to believe that nothing matters but the (short-term) bottom line; the potential casualty for being wrong, though — for rewarding people who just happened to be in the right place at the right time — is the very idea itself.

As I think I’ve made clear, I do credit Kalanick specifically for much of Uber’s success (and, by extension, the success of Lyft in particular but also Didi; Uber paved the regulatory way for the former, and forced the latter into the correct business model). The thing to remember, though, is that Uber has far more going for it than just its CEO. This is a point I’ve made several times in the context of Airbnb:

This matters when it comes to understanding Airbnb’s regulatory challenges, particular relative to Uber. The most important reason why Uber (and Lyft) has overcome regulatory challenges most of the time is that the company has positive externalities: not only is the service “good” for passengers (who get a liquid transportation option) and drivers (who get a job), it benefits people who don’t use the service. There are fewer drunk drivers, fewer parked cars, restaurants and bars get more business, underserved neighborhoods become accessible, travelers have better experiences, etc.

It follows that a lot of the opposition to Uber was due to regulatory capture: regulators may have been materially captured by taxi companies or non-materially captured by virtue of the fact that, having spent decades in a symbiotic relationship with taxi companies, they couldn’t imagine how the transportation industry might operate differently. What Uber did so successfully was get the public on their side such that regulators felt more pressure from the general public than they did from the industry, which had no way to fight back: taxi companies offered an inferior service, were already disliked by riders, and they treated drivers even worse than Uber did!

Kalanick was brilliant at overcoming regulatory capture, but don’t miss the crucial point: Uber, at least the idea of it, is a good thing. It actually does make the world better. That has always been Uber’s best asset, not Kalanick (and, for heaven’s sake, not Michael).

It has long been weird to me that Uber hasn’t pushed this narrative more consistently: oh sure, the company made these points aggressively when threatened in places like Austin, Texas, but by that point it was too late: valid points were dismissed as political positions, and many were primed to dismiss them because of Uber’s unrelenting controversies.

This is why I find Michael’s delusion so illuminating: while I’ve long criticized Kalanick specifically and Uber generally for giving too much credit to, well, themselves, and not nearly enough to the general idea, I never really considered that the delusion might go so far that Uber itself forgot the point, so consumed as it was by petty grievances and the all out drive to win.

This, ultimately, is why Kalanick had to go: the idea of Uber is bigger than even the person who is more responsible than anyone else in making that idea a reality. And while the motivation of the investors that ultimately convinced Kalanick to step down may not have been so prosaic, the desire to protect their investment is, ultimately, the same sentiment: transportation-as-a-service is not only the future, it is one of the biggest investment opportunities seen in years, and Kalanick had crossed the line from asset to liability.

Uber Going Forward

Let me be super clear: losing Kalanick is a massive blow; it may be fatal. That alone should give an indication of just how delusional Michael was about the scandals engulfing the company: that Uber’s investors would risk a future without Kalanick shows just how damaging the last few months have been. That said, the path forward is, in my estimation, relatively straightforward, and, I’d add, something that Kalanick would have been unable to execute:

Hire a CEO: This is a rather obvious point, but it’s an important one. The Uber COO job was not a very attractive one given Kalanick’s dominant position in the company. CEO, on the other hand, is much more intriguing, even if Kalanick is still on the board, and the company should be able to pursue much better candidates. I imagine Sheryl Sandberg is at the very top of the list.

Fix Accounting: As I detailed a few weeks ago, I’m suspicious that Uber is calculating its unit economics correctly (and, I’ll note, Bill Gurley, the VC and Uber board member who reportedly led the effort to convince Kalanick to step down, has written a couple of posts that almost seem like letters to Uber). I suspect this has led to a sub-optimal strategy in terms of winning drivers from Lyft: Uber has focused on monopolizing drivers via bonuses instead of simply paying more and winning via network effects.

Settle With Waymo and Retrench in Self-Driving Cars: Uber’s entire self-driving car saga, including the Waymo lawsuit and the allegations contained therein, are arguably a fireable offense on their own. It’s unclear if Waymo will succeed in implicating Uber in Anthony Levandowski’s transgressions, but the truth is that Uber’s entire self-driving effort is arguably a strategic error; certainly driving Waymo to partner with Lyft is a massive blow. Uber should seek to put the whole affair behind it and focus on partnering with the Intel/Here/BMW/Mercedes coalition.

Retrench Internationally: I will admit, this is the part I have the least conviction about: international markets are even more attractive than developed ones because most potential customers don’t own cars (the car in the garage is Uber’s biggest competitor). That said, it feels like Uber has pushed the fundraising envelope as far as it can, and a focus on fiscal discipline will help the internal culture nearly as much as a change in leadership. At the end of the day, Uber will either IPO or not on the back of North America and Europe (and that fortuitous investment in Didi), and it is past time to focus all of its resources on locking down those market.

Sell Uber: This is the most important: I firmly believe that Uber has positive effects on the cities in which is operates, and the company needs to start singing that reality from the rooftops. This is not simply about ginning up more riders or drivers: this is also about rebuilding internal morale, and, even more importantly, it is about reminding Uber’s leaders — and its board members — that Uber is not about any one person, but rather about a new way of approaching transportation that is uniquely enabled by technology.

You’ll note that I haven’t said anything about Uber’s internal culture problems; that is because, as I explained in The Curse of Culture:

Culture is not something that begets success, rather, it is a product of it. All companies start with the espoused beliefs and values of their founder(s), but until those beliefs and values are proven correct and successful they are open to debate and change. If, though, they lead to real sustained success, then those values and beliefs slip from the conscious to the unconscious, and it is this transformation that allows companies to maintain the “secret sauce” that drove their initial success even as they scale. The founder no longer needs to espouse his or her beliefs and values to the 10,000th employee; every single person already in the company will do just that, in every decision they make, big or small.

Uber’s internal culture will be fixed not by fiat but rather by a new approach to its business that emphasizes the good Uber does, instead of venerating (and excusing) its executives. That is why “Selling Uber” is the most important point: the ultimate customer is Uber itself.

The Daily Update is intended for a single recipient, but occasional forwarding is totally fine! If you would like to order multiple subscriptions for your team with a group discount (minimum 5), please contact me directly.

Thanks for being a supporter, and have a great day!

[mindthump]

Why I Spent $1.5 Million on Our Domain http://ift.tt/2kr15lM

SumoMe.com is now the former SumoMe.com. After six-plus years and 1.5 million cold hard dollars, we have finally rebranded as Sumo.com.

Yes, you read that right. It cost us $1,500,000 for that domain name. That ties Sumo.com with Russia.com for the 83rd most expensive domain purchase ever. But it’s not like we just chucked a briefcase full of cash at someone to make it happen. It was way more work than that. We hired multiple private domain sleuths to help us acquire the domain (#failed); we bought SumoS.com to help make us feel better (it didn’t); people sent fake emails on our behalf to see if the owners would sell (they didn’t). And, I sent this email every six months for seven straight years:

Related: The Psychology Behind Choosing a Killer Domain Name

Finally, after all that effort, we got the domain name we wanted.

Which is funny, because when the sale went through I thought of everything we could’ve bought with that money. A McLaren F1 supercar. A NetJet private membership. Five houses in Austin. You can’t even sleep inside Sumo.com! But still, I knew it was the right decision. Here’s why:

 1. It’s one word.

Mark Zuckerberg hired me to work at thefacebook.com (the guy in the image is me). The name sounds weird, doesn’t it? Mark thought so, too. He realized how important it was to own Facebook.com, so he went out and bought every Facebook domain available. A friend of mine (who’ll go unnamed) owned Facebook.org. He ended up selling it for 3,500 shares of Facebook. Let me do the math for you. That’s now worth more than $800,000. Just imagine how much they spent on the rest of the domains...

Anyone can have a two or three word name. But one word names? They carry more prestige. Just ask Madonna.

Related: 4 Branding Lessons That You Don't Want to Learn the Hard Way

2. Those four-letter words.

Get your minds out of the gutter. Four-letter words are impressive and easy to remember. But I never believed that until a few years ago.

When worked with Aaron Patzer at mymint.com I was vehemently against him buying Mint.com. I didn’t think it customers would care. “It only matters that you have a great service and product,” younger Noah said.

Fortunately, Aaron was the founder and gave 3 percent of the company to acquire the domain. At the closing sale of Mint.com, that was worth $8.1 million. That’s how important the domain was to Aaron. To his credit, which domain would you trust more:  Mint.com, which sounds like a trusted finance company, or Wesabe.com, which sounds like an ecommerce fetish site?

The point is, at the time Wesabe was our biggest competitor. When’s the last time you heard about them? Exactly. That four letter domain sounded more trustworthy than that weird competitor’s name. There’s just something about those four letter words.

Related: How to Find the Perfect Domain Name, Create Infographics and More

3. Plant your flag on top of the hill.

Do you know how many companies have “Sumo” in their name? It’s a lot. You wouldn’t believe how many times someone has come up to me and said, “Oh, are you also like (completely unrelated to us) sumo?”

You may find yourself in the same situation where there are tons of variants of your name. Standing out just gets harder when people confuse you with other companies. That’s why we went right to the source. There are many copycat Sumo names in the market but by owning Sumo.com (free marketing tools for websites), we’re positioned as the original. We are the Sumo.com.

Ultimately, $1.5 million is a lot to spend on a domain. But Sumo is a brand we will have forever. I’ve come around on the importance of branding because it shows our customers, future employees and competition that we’re serious and here to stay.

What does your name say about you? Go see what $1,500,000 looks like. Visit Sumo.com, free marketing tools to grow your online business.

If you want even more behind the scenes, check out my podcast episode.

Related: Marketing Lessons from the Fake Bacon Shortage Why I Spent $1.5 Million on Our Domain A 5-Step Checklist to Maximize Press Coverage for Your Business

[fluffandfiteme-archived]

#JustKeepWriting 1/13/17

Not 15 minutes ago I was planning to go to sleep. Between the ping pong game the medical “professionals” are playing regarding my mother’s well being and my own matters, I have been drained and exhausted. An unrelated note, the death of diets is mothers. I haven’t given up on eating less, but today certainly took a hit.

But no, as I went into my mother’s room to say good night, she read a question of her social media site of choice-Quora, a privately run question and answer site. A single question ignited me, and now I must write on a topic I have before, and likely will again.

“What is a Mary Sue and how do I avoid writing one?”

I sucked in my breath before answering. You see, in my dozen years of dabbling in social circles based on movies, games, and shows I have encountered this term. It has been used to terrify young women who really want to write a character who happens to be extraordinary. Most often it was used to refer to fan created characters who appeared in fan fiction or role play, frequently pairing off with a pre-existing character and potentially changing the course of canon.

I mean not that that it doesn’t make complete sense that a new character of substance could change the course of a history. Because you know what? It really does.

It was usually used as a shaming technique on female writers or writers who created female characters. Often called overpowered, too perfect, too happy, and too tragic and angsty all at the same time.

Over the years, the name calling of Mary Sue has moved to canonical characters, in other words, characters in the main narrative by the same writer as everyone else who do appear in the work. A fresh example was regarding Rey, in Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens. Before that, I remember Xion who appeared in Kingdom Hearts Days. Technically there’s a number in that title, but it was confusing and false advertising so everyone calls it Days. Bella Swan from Twilight and the character that was once literally her in fanfiction, Anastasia Steele from 50 Shades of Grey have both been called it. (Yes, I read it. Will probably continue to for research to further tear it apart and write alternate reality fiction. Who knows, maybe I’ll knock off 50 to expose the dangers and conflict caused by the so called romance).

During the brief questioning regarding Rey, I wrote on my old blog comparing her to Anakin and Luke Skywalker as they appeared in the previous trilogies. Except I did it without identifying any of them until after their scores were in. My scoring methods were simple: did they follow the core components of Wikipedia’s definition, and how high did they score on the Universal Mary Sue Test.

[The mentioned Quiz is found here ]

[The full posts can be found here and here

Shockingly of the three leads, Rey scored the lowest on both counts. She was the most balanced of the characters. Anakin was inching onto the Sue scale. And Luke was no holds barred.

But you know what the funny thing I noticed in my own experiences are?

I have never once heard someone call a male character a Mary Sue. Now, there is a term for it-Gary or Marty Stu. But I have literally never heard it used.

(I mean, there are characters that are just really badly written, but this is about the Mary Sue stigma used to keep female characters demur, weak, and undeveloped.)

Now, the wikipedia intro blurb defines a Mary Sue as:

“An idealized and seemingly perfect fictional character, a young or  low rank person who saves the day through unrealistic abilities. Often this character is recognized as an author insert or wish fulfillment.”

Author insert aside, because fuck you I have two characters that started that way but both of them and I have diverged and developed completely independent and because I write them well, no one could guess, and most enjoy writing against them in role play.

Idealized and seemingly perfection fictional character, often young or low rank who saves the day through unrealistic abilities.

Literally any and all Jedi could be shoved under this category.

Kingdom Hearts is literally full of lead characters and supporting cast fitting this classification-not to speak of Square Enix and Disney, the parent companies.

One could say Bella qualifies, given her unique resistance to vampire abilities, her teenage status, and how all the boys and girls lobe her.

The same cannot actually be said about her fanfiction counterpart, Ana Steele? I refuse to count 21 as young, she doesn’t save the day through unrealistic abilities, and she is not perfect.

But you know what? By that definite, Steve Rogers, aka Captain America, is a Mary Sue. He was a kid from Brooklyn, barely old enough to be drafted, if he had ever qualified. He was poor as dirt, so also of low rank. He has no real character flaws of note, Civil War not withstanding because that’s a separate issue but the narrative still displays him as in the right. And suddenly through the power of science, he becomes a super human and saves the world time and time again.

Or hey kids, how about Batman? Little Bruce Wayne is orphaned, but over the years trains and uses the family fortune profits to run the company, improve Gotham City’s socioeconomic structure, win multiple hearts and minds, and oh yeah, create an arsenal of super advanced and cool tools and weapons with a bat theme, including a car, a super computer, a suit, and a secret lab.

Oh! Aragorn! You know, the Ranger, Strider, Aka, Aragorn, Son of Arathorn, Isulder’s heir from Lord of the Rings? His mother literally died dropping him on the doorstep of the elves in Rivendell. Thus he became a human raised among them, and oh yeah, he’s a Dunedin (not sure how that’s spelled) with super ranger tracking abilities and extra long life expectancy. Not like elf long, but easily topping dwarf or Hobbit. Wins the heart of Arwen, then Eowyn, basically the only two female characters that aren’t Galadirel. Who by the way is Arwen’s aunt so that would be weird. He unites the previously warring peoples of Elves, different nations of man, and even a few hobbits and a dwarf. And I mean like literally the day before he gave King Theodan a pep talk, Rohan was of the mind Gondor could go screw themselves. And the elves had been completely indifferent. Oh, and lets not forget the special chosen prince totally not Excaliber sword he used to summon the army of ghosts that wiped out the entire force attacking Minas Tirith.

Captain Kirk. Even before the reboot, he was mister Captain Perfect Hair. He could do no wrong, and generally had a different lover interest every episode. And oh yeah, he was born in Iowa, pre reboot, a good old country boy.

Lets see, Marvel, DC, Fantasy, Scifi…

I feel like I need anime and video game examples next.

Bleach. An old favorite though some of the final arc decisions-well, let me be honest, the final pairing decisions, left me put off. Anyway. Ichigo Kurosaki is the lead character. Spoilers ahead for anyone not familiar. It turns out he’s a half Shinigami on his father’s side, half Quincy on his mother’s side, and a pinch of Hollow because house Isshin met his mother. Which means all three main races, that DO NOT GET ALONG THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE SERIES, he is part of. Even at the beginning of the show, he’s got the ability to see ghosts and spirits, and seems to be able to take on entire gangs on his own. He is a poor boy whose father runs an urgent care clinic, and is guilt stricken constantly about the death of his mother. Which later becomes a major plot point like twice over to give him angst. Once given Shinigami powers, or once his powers awaken, he is an instant bad ass, having more abundant spirit energy then anyone has ever seen. Literally every time a rule is explained in Bleach, you know its purpose is for Ichigo to break that rule. And oh yeah, with the exception of the lesbian and his sisters, literally every female character of note who encounters Ichigo has a a desire or longing for him of some form. Rangiku might be an exception, but I know Rukia, Orihime, Neliel, and Tatsuki all have a thing for him. And yes, he saves all of existence pretty regularly.

Video games are rife with examples of this blatancy. Cloud Strife comes to mind, a well known character from Final Fantasy VII. Multiple unlockable date scenes, boy from the country, tragic story. Low rank, still saves the world with the power of friendship. (TELL ME I’M WRONG). But I will also cite a much older known character.

Mario. Mario of Super Mario Brothers, Mario Party, and Mario Cart. Among many others. He is a plumber, who accidentally found up in the Mushroom Kingdom through the pipes. There he learns he can crush enemies by jumping on them, double in size if he eats the right mushroom, and develop a number of abilities such as pyrokinesis or growing a tail and being able to fly. And of course, he defeats the dragon and saves the princess. Remember: he is a plumber.

Now here’s my point. All of these characters would fulfill the qualifications of a Mary Sue. But none of them have ever been called one. Why not? I assume because they each have a penis. (Except maybe Cloud. I maintain Cloud is a gender fluid female).

There is literally an anime out about a dude who wins everything in one punch. If it was a chick I guarantee it would not have gotten past an episode.

The point I am making here is: most stories feature a hero that starts at a low point of some form, be it tragedy, rank, or age. They may develop a love interest, and eventually save the world through extraordinary means. This is actually a skeleton that can be applied to almost any movie, book, game, or show.

But that doesn’t mean they can’t be enjoyed. I encourage you to keep loving Batman and Captain America and Aragorn, and everyone else I highlighted. What I also encourage is to compare a female character if she wasn’t female to Batman, Superman, Captain America, or Aragorn. You may find Mary Sue falls apart. I know I have.

I have a friend. A chosen sister. We butt heads for a while because I got so paranoid about making overpowered characters, I didn’t like writing with them-even if they weren’t mine. I’ve now realized that’s not the point. If you write a character well, and let the reader or viewer understand that through the narrative, that’s all that matters. Male, female, power level, rank, and number of love interests just don’t matter.

Mary Sue doesn’t matter.

Perhaps I’ll bring back Mary Sue Monday...